KINGDOM SMASH'D
by azgbchdfjlvhmnsshwawprytthking
Summary: After the events of LOK: MULTIVERSE CROSSOVER things are still happening in the mulitverse!
1. Chapter 1 And its going to Happen again

Kingdom Smash'd

This takes place after the events of LOK: MULTIVERSE CROSSOVER

Kairi: So, suppose you get to another world. What would you do there?

Riku: Well, I haven't really thought about it. It's just... I've always wondered why we're here on this island. If there are any other worlds out there, why did we end up on this one? And suppose there are other worlds... then ours is just a little piece of something much greater. So we could have just as easily ended up somewhere else, right?

Sora: I don't know.

Riku: Exactly. That's why we need to go out there and find out. Just sitting here won't change a thing. It's the same old stuff. So let's go.

Sora: I've been having these weird thoughts lately... like is any of this for real or not?

Ansem: This world has been connected. Tied to the darkness... soon to be completely eclipsed. There is so very much to learn. You understand so little.

Ansem: One who knows nothing can understand nothing.

Squall (Leon): Still hard to believe that you of all people are the chosen one. Well, I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

Sephiroth: I am the chosen one!

Riku: [to Sora] Take care of her.

Riku: [his last lines, to Sora] Take care of her.

Sora: Gimme a break, Kairi.

Kairi: Sora, you lazy bum. I knew I'd find you snoozing down here.

Sora: No, no, this big black dream swallowed me up! I couldn't breathe, I couldn't - ow!

Kairi: Have you been dreaming again?

Sora: It wasn't a dream. Or was it? I don't know.

Kairi: Yeah, sure.

Sora: So Kairi, what was it like in your hometown, like where you grew up?

Kairi: I told you before, I don't remember.

Sora: Nothing at all?

Kairi: Nothing.

Sora: Would you ever like to go back?

Kairi: Hmm... Well, I'm happy here. But I wouldn't mind going to see it.

Sora: I would like to see it too, with any other worlds out there. I'd like to see 'em all.

Kairi: So what are you waiting for?

Ansem: [In Riku's body, facing the ocean] Look at this tiny place. To the heart seeking freedom, this island is a prison, surrounded by water. And so, this boy sought to escape his prison, and he opened his heart to darkness.

[Turns toward Sora, changing into Ansem]

Sora: Riku!

Ansem: Don't bother. Your voice can no longer reach him where he is. His heart belongs again to Darkness.

Squall (Leon): The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade. That's why they'll keep coming after you no matter what.

Hades: That little squirt took down that Heartless! Who'd have thought it?

Jafar: Such is the power of the Keyblade. The child's strength is not his own.

Ursula: Why don't we turn him into a Heartless? That'll settle things quick enough.

Captain Hook: And the brat's friends are the king's lackeys. Swoogle me eyes, they're all bilge rats by the look of them.

Oogie Boogie: You're no prize yourself.

Captain Hook: Shut up!

Maleficent: Enough. The Keyblade has chosen him. Will it be he who conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him? Either way, he could be quite useful...

Doorknob: Must you be so loud? You woke me up.

Goofy: Good morning.

Doorknob: Good night! I need a bit more sleep.

The Queen of Hearts: This girl is the culprit. There's no doubt about it. And the reason is... because I say so, that's why!

Alice: That is so unfair!

Alice: I've done absolutely nothing wrong! You may be queen, but I'm afraid that doesn't give you the right to be so... so mean!

Goofy: We're outsiders, so wouldn't that be muddling?

Donald Duck: "Meddling"!

Jack Skellington: Oogie Boogie, give me back the heart!

Oogie Boogie: You want it? Well then, come on over here and get it!

Riku: What? You'd rather fight me? Over a puppet that has no heart?

Sora: Heart or no heart, at least he still has a conscience.

Riku: Conscience?

Sora: You might not hear it, but right now it's loud and clear. And it's telling me you're on the wrong side!

Mayor: And now, allow me to introduce the master of terror, the king of nightmares... Jack Skellington!

Jack Skellington: The ingredients for a heart: Pulse.

[Frog]

Jack Skellington: Emotion.

Dr. Finkelstein: Terror.

[Spider]

Jack Skellington: Fear.

[Scratching glass]

Jack Skellington: Hope and despair.

[Two snakes eating each other, forming a circle]

Jack Skellington: Mix them all together, and we have a heart!

Oogie Boogie: A heart? That bonehead Jack is really making a heart? I'll be jiggered! That works for me! Ooh, when I get my hands on that... Well, I've got no hands, but I'm still gonna nab that heart and control the Heartless.\

Dr. Finkelstein: What is a heart anyway?

Riku: Giving up already? C'mon, Sora, I thought you were stronger than that.

Jafar: [Sora's party had defeated Clayton] What drew the Heartless to that world?

Maleficent: The hunter lured them there. It was his lust for power that was the bait. But it seems the bait was too tasty for his own good.

Oogie Boogie: [laughs] Yeah, he got chomped instead!

Jafar: A weak-hearted fool like him stood no chance against the Heartless. But the boy is a problem. He found one of the Keyholes.

Maleficent: Fear not. It will take him ages to find the rest. Besides, he remains blissfully unaware of our other plan.

Ursula: Yes, the princesses...

Maleficent: They're falling into our hands, one by one.

[Alice is revealed, having been captured]

Maleficent: Speaking of which...

Donald Duck: We've got a problem, Goofy! But don't tell anyone...

Goofy: [looking past Donald] Queen Minnie?

Donald Duck: Not even the queen!

Goofy: Daisy?

Donald Duck: No, it's top secret!

Goofy: G'morning, ladies.

[Donald turns and sees Minnie and Daisy standing behind him]

Goofy: While we're in other worlds, we can't let on where we're from. We've gotta protect the world border.

Donald Duck: Order, Goofy, order!

Goofy: Right, world order.

Riku: Once we set through, we might not be able to come back. We may never see our parents again. There's no turning back. But this may be our only chance. We can't let fear stop us! I'm not afraid of the darkness!

[on board Captain Hook's ship]

Captain Hook: What? So Wendy's not one of the chosen ones?

Riku: There are seven, supposedly, and Maleficent says she's not one of them. Hoist anchor as soon as possible. Leave all the dead weight behind, including her.

Captain Hook: After the trouble of capturing her? And why those seven? What is Maleficent planning, anyway?

Riku: Who knows? As long as it means getting Kairi's heart back, I couldn't care less.

Captain Hook: You're wasting your time! The Heartless have devoured that girl's heart. I'll stake me other hand it's lost forever.

Riku: I will find it no matter what.

Sora: Kairi! Remember what you said before? I'm always with you too. I'll come back to you... I promise!

Kairi: I know you will!

Ansem: Darkness conquers all worlds!

Phil: ...I hearby dub thee junior heroes.

Donald Duck: Hey, what do you mean "Junior Heroes"?

Sephiroth: [During battle] I will take you to the promised land!

Aerith: Okay, you know there are many other worlds out there besides your castle and this town, right?

Donald Duck: Yeah.

Goofy: But they're supposed to be a secret.

Aerith: They've been secret because they've never been connected. Until now. When the Heartless came, everything changed.

Goofy: Ansem?

Aerith: He was studying the Heartless. He recorded all his findings in a very detailed report.

Goofy: Gwarsh, uh, can we see it?

Aerith: Its pages are scattered everywhere.

Donald Duck: Scattered?

Aerith: To many worlds.

Sora: Well, I didn't ask for it.

Yuffie: The Keyblade chooses its master. And it chose you.

Squall (Leon): So tough luck.

Sora: I wonder if I can find Riku and Kairi.

Donald Duck: Of course.

Goofy: [aside] Are you sure?

Donald Duck: [aside] Who knows? But we need him to come with us to help us find the king.

[the trio introduce themselves to one another]

Donald Duck: Donald Duck.

Goofy: Name's Goofy.

Sora: I'm Sora.

Goofy: All for one, one for all.

Sora: Let Pincchio go, Riku!

Jimminy: [crying] Pincchio, Pincchio.

Riku: [proudly] A puppet that lost its heart to the heartless.

Pincchio: [slowly] Jimminy, I'm not gonna make it.

[nose grows a little]

Pincchio: I guess I'm okay.

Phil: Two words: you-guys-ain't-heroes.

Hook: Ahh! P-Peter Pa- blast you.

Peter Pan: Ready to make a splash, codfish? Now it's your turn to walk the plank!

Hades: Hey, it's like that old goat says: Rule 11: It's all just a game, so let loose and have fun with it! I mean, a casualty or two along the way is no big deal, right?

Hades: Geez. Stiffer than the stiffs back home.

Hades: Oh, right, there was one other rule I forgot: Accidents happen.

Phil: Kid, I've got two words of advice for you: attack!

Sephiroth: [during battle] Descend, heartless angel.

Ursula: You pathetic fools! I RULE THE SEAS NOW! ALL OF THE SEAS BOW TO MY POWER!

Phil: You rookies still don't understand what it takes to be a true hero.

Goofy: So, what does it take?

Hercules: Well, that's just something you'll have to find out for yoursevles. Just the way that I did.

Phil: I still can't believe that squirt actually beat Cerberus.

Hercules: [Aside] Just between us, I'd already worn Cerberus down by the time the little guy jumped in.

Phil: [Aside] My lips are sealed.

Cloud: I'm looking for someone. Hades promised to help. I tried to exploit the power of darkness, but it backfired. I fell into darkness, and I couldn't find the light.

Hades: He's strong, he's kind. He's always there for you, and he's handsome to boot. He's perfect. Perfect. Perfectly infuriating! He makes me crazy.

Hades: Who invited you to the party? Stay out of this. This is my show.

Maleficent: As you wish. Fight to your heart's content.

[as they're inside Monstro, something falls]

Goofy: Ya know, I think that big ol' whale Monstro just swallowed us. And for today's weather, expect showers.

[as something else falls]

Goofy: Heavy showers!

Sora: Look, I got separated from my friends. Have you seen them?

[Tarzan looks at him, not understanding]

Sora: Friends...

Tarzan: Friends!

Sora: Right, my friends! There's two of 'em. The loud one is Dona...

[Sora pauses, deciding not to mention Donald or Goofy]

Sora: You know what? Never mind. I'm looking for my friends, Riku and Kairi.

Tarzan: Jane!

Jane Porter: Tarzan! Oh, and who is this?

Sora: Uh, hi there. I'm...

Jane Porter: Oh, you speak English! So, then, obviously, you're not related to Tarzan... Are you here to study the gorillas?

Clayton: Highly doubtful.

Clayton: A circus of clowns. Not much use for hunting gorillas.

Clayton: Blasted gorillas! I'll hunt down every last one of them! I'll track them down somehow. I'll stake my life on it.

Tarzan: Friends, same heart. Clayton, lose heart. No heart, no see friends. No heart, no friends.

Maleficent: Don't steep yourself in darkness too long. The Heartless consume the careless.

Jafar: Your concern is touching, but hardly necessary.

Aladdin: Legend has it that whoever holds the lamp can summon the...

Genie: Please, kid, leave the intros to a professional. The one and only GENIE OF THE LAMP! Rub-a-dub-dub the lamp and have your dearest wishes granted. Today's winner is... Aladdin! Congratulations!

Captain Falcon

"Show me your moves!" - Taunt

"Come on!" - Taunt

"Falcon Punch!" - Performing his trademark attack

"Falcon Kick!" - Performing his trademark attack

"Come on! Blue Falcon!" - Final Smash

"Yes!" - If Up Special Connects

Falco Lombardi

"Hands off my prey!" - Taunt

"Don't try me." - Taunt

"You aren't worth the trouble!" - Victory

"Had enough already?" - Victory

"Personally, I prefer the air!" - Final Smash

"These guys are weaker than overcooked noodles!" - In special taunt

"You're outta your game, Fox." - Victory against Fox McCloud

Fox McCloud

"Here I come!" - Taunt

"Come on!" - Taunt

"Landmaster!" - Final Smash

"This is Fox. Returning to base." - Victory

"Mission Complete!" - Victory

"Better luck next time, Falco." - Victory against Falco Lombardi

Ike

"Prepare yourself." - Taunt

"You'll get no sympathy from me." - Victory

"I fight for my friends." - Victory

"Great... Aether!" - Final Smash

Kirby

"Pew!" - Taunt

"Hiiiii." - Taunt

Lucas

"PK Freeze!" - Neutral Special

"PK Thunder!" - Up Special

"PK Fire!" - Side Special

"PK... Starstorm!" - Final Smash

Luigi

"Let's-a go..." - On-screen appearance

"Bang! Bang!" - Victory

"Hiii-Ya!"-up A attack

Mario

"Let's-a go!" - On-Screen Appearance

"Oh yeah! Hiyaaah!" - Final Smash

Marth

"みんな、見ていてくれ!" ("Minna, miteite kure!" which is Japanese for "Everyone, eyes on me!"). - Taunt

"今日も生き延びることが出来た。" ("Kyou mo ikinobiru koto ga dekita", which translates to "Today I have survived.") - Victory

"今回は僕の勝ちだね。" ("Konkai wa boku no kachi da ne?" which translates to "This time it's my victory, isn't it?") - Victory

"僕は負ける訳には行かないんだ。" ("Boku wa makeru wake-ni wa ikanainda!" which translates to "There's no way I can lose!") - Victory

Meta Knight

"COME!" - Taunt

"Fight me!" - Taunt

"Behold...!" - Final Smash

"Know my power!" - Final Smash

"Come back when you can put up a fight." - Victory

"You have much yet to learn." - Victory

"Victory... is my destiny..." - Victor

Ness

"Okay." - Taunt

"PK Flash!" - Neutral Special

"PK Thunder!" - Up Special

"PK Fire!" - Side Special

"PK... Starstorm!" - Final Smash

Peach

"Sweet." - Taunt

"La-la-la, la-la, la." - Taunt

"Oh, did I win?" - Victory

"This is fun!" - Victory

Pikachu

"Pika! Pika!" - Taunt

"Pikaaaaaa!" - Taunt

Pit

"The fight is on!" - Taunt

"You're not ready yet!" - Taunt

"Great Palutena, victory is ours!" - Victory

"All troops, move out!" - Final Smash

"You can't defeat me!" - Victory

"Too easy!" - Victory

"Great Palutena" - Victory

"Goddess Palutena, victory is ours!" - Victory

Pokémon Trainer

"Good job, Squirtle!" - Victory with Squirtle

"Way to go, Ivysaur!" - Victory with Ivysaur

"You did it, Charizard!" - Victory with Charizard

Solid Snake

"Kept you waiting, huh?" - Onscreen Appearence

"Tasty!" - Occasionally after eating food

"Not even close!" - Victory

"This is Snake. I'm done here." - Victory

"Colonel, mission accomplished." - Victory

Solid Snake conversations

Bowser

Colonel Roy Campbell: Careful, Snake! That's the great and terrible Bowser!

Solid Snake: Bowser? Looks like a cheap movie monster.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Hardly. Bowser leads an entire army of monsters. But I'd worry more about his claws and fire if I were you.

Solid Snake: Doesn't look that tough to me. Seems kind of slow, actually.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Well, he is the king of Koopas. It's only natural he'd be slow. But that's only because he's the heaviest fighter here-by far. He's a powerhouse of destruction. Careful he doesn't flatten you.

Captain Falcon

Solid Snake: Hey! That's Captain Falcon, isn't it!

Otacon: Good eye, Snake! He's F-Zero pilot number 07!

Solid Snake: You know, seeing Captain Falcon here reminds me... We should do that thing we've always wanted to try...

Otacon: Ohhhh yeah! That thing! Good idea! OK, ready? Go!

Solid Snake: Falcon Puuuuunch!

Otacon: Falcon Kiiiiick!

Diddy Kong

Solid Snake: Otacon, there's a chimpanzee here wearing a Nintendo hat.

Otacon: That's Diddy Kong. He's Donkey Kong's partner. Not only is he lightweight, he can use a wide range of weapons as well. He can fly using those barrel jets on his back, and he can shoot nuts with his Peanut Popgun.

Solid Snake: Peanuts? As in the ones in the little shells? Are you serious?

Otacon: Wait, here's the best part. You see them lying on the ground after he shoots? If you pick up some of those peanuts, they'll restore your health a little.

Solid Snake: Hmm. Edible ammunition, huh... Times sure have changed.

Donkey Kong

Solid Snake: Otacon, there's a gorilla wearing a tie here. He's huge.

Otacon: That's Donkey Kong. As you can tell, he's got strength to spare. He may be king of the jungle, but he lives in a house just like you or me. And he seems pretty smart-well, for an ape, anyway. The Donkey Kong who fought that epic battle with Mario was this guy's grandfather.

Solid Snake: That was a long time ago. What about this Donkey Kong? Does he get along with Mario?

Otacon: Nope, they're still at it. Seems like they're always competing in something-kart racing, sports, you name it.

Solid Snake: A chip off the old block...

Falco Lombardi

Solid Snake: This is Snake...

Slippy Toad: Copy, Snake! This is Slippy!

Solid Snake: Whaa-! Who is this? What are you, some kind of frog?!

Slippy Toad: Easy there, buddy! Just thought I'd hop on the wireless and give you a holler. Don't get mad!

Solid Snake: Hacked right into my channel, huh...

Slippy Toad: But I'm not here to mess nothin' up. Don't worry.

Solid Snake: ...

Slippy Toad: Just so ya know, Falco uses a Blaster and Reflector that I designed, just like Fox does. But Falco will kick his Reflector and send it flyin' around. Just showin' off, if you ask me.

Solid Snake: No reason a weapon can't have more than one use. In fact, I'd say its versatility shows how well you designed it.

Slippy Toad: Hey, maybe so! I feel all fuzzy now! Thanks, Snake!

Solid Snake: Maybe next time we meet, you can design me a weapon...

Fox McCloud

Solid Snake: Colonel! That fox is fast!

Colonel Roy Campbell: You're fighting Fox, eh, Snake? His full name is Fox McCloud. He's the leader of the commando-for-hire unit Star Fox. They're mostly active in a galaxy known as the Lylat System. Fox and his comrades pilot all-terrain fighter crafts called Arwings. His skills in combat can turn the tide of any battle. ...You seem to have a thing with foxes, don't you, Snake?

Solid Snake: Don't remind me. First FOXHOUND and now this guy... I'm sick of foxes.

Colonel Roy Campbell: You and foxes have a long history together. You ought to be proud.

Ganondorf

Solid Snake: This guy is giving off a murderous vibe! Even getting close to him makes my skin crawl...

Otacon: Snake! Ganondorf is dangerous! His ambition is to rule the world, and he's got the power to do it. It's no wonder they call him "King of Evil."

Solid Snake: Do modern weapons even work against him? Do I even have a chance?

Otacon: Take a look around you. There are plenty of people fighting with swords or even their bare hands. At least you've got firepower! Count yourself lucky! It's not like you to whine, Snake.

Solid Snake: I was just asking, sheesh. Well, it's back to the mission for me.

King Dedede

Solid Snake: Look at the size of that hammer...

Colonel Roy Campbell: That's King DeDeDe you're fighting, Snake.

Solid Snake: DeDeDe? You mean it's not a penguin, Colonel?

Colonel Roy Campbell: He's the king of Dream Land. Well, so he says, anyway.

Solid Snake: Are you sure he's not a penguin?

Colonel Roy Campbell: One full swing from that hammer can level an entire building. It may look like just a big wooden mallet, but it's actually outfitted with special mechanical systems like turbo jets and precision bearings to boost its effectiveness.

Solid Snake: I don't think I could even lift that thing. And he's swinging it around like it was nothing...

Colonel Roy Campbell: But he also leaves himself wide open. Just make sure you avoid the swing, Snake.

Kirby

Otacon: Snake! Watch out!

Solid Snake: For what? That pink marshmallow?

Otacon: That's Kirby, also known as "Kirby from Dream Land." He's from another planet-in other words, an extraterrestrial. He's got a powerful stomach that lets him swallow and digest anything. And he also has a "Copy Ability" that allows him to mimic opponents, steal their moves, and use those moves against them. On top of that, he has the power to fly around the stage, so once he's got you in his sights, there's no place to run.

Solid Snake: ...Huh? Yeah, got it. I'll... keep an eye out.

Link

Solid Snake: Otacon, who's the guy with the sword?

Otacon: That's Link. He's the hero of Hyrule. That blade in his hand is called the Master Sword, also known as the "Blade of Evil's Bane." He also has a whole arsenal of items at his disposal-bombs and arrows, a shield, a boomerang, and a Clawshot. He's a force to be reckoned with.

Solid Snake: Gear is only useful when it's used at the right time and place. Just lugging a ton of it around dosen't do you any good.

Otacon: ...I, uh... I wouldn't be talking if I were you, Snake.

Solid Snake: What's that supposed to mean?

Otacon: You tell me, Mr. Utility Belt.

Solid Snake: ...

Luigi

Solid Snake: That guy with the mustache...

Colonel Roy Campbell: Ha. You mean the "King of Second Bananas"?

Solid Snake: Hey, that's Luigi! Show him a little respect!

Colonel Roy Campbell: Look at that pale skin. He's been living in his brother's shadow for too long.

Solid Snake: That's a low blow, Colonel!

Colonel Roy Campbell: Face it, Snake! Once a kid brother, always a kid brother!

Solid Snake: Colonel, what's gotten into you?!

Colonel Roy Campbell: La li lu le lo. La li lu le lo. La li lu le lo.

Solid Snake: Colonel, snap out of it! Colonel! COLONEL!

Mario

Colonel Roy Campbell: Snake, you know who that is?

Solid Snake: You're kidding, right? It's Mario.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Mario made his first appearance in 1981, and since then, he's become a worldwide phenomenon. There's probably not a single person who doesn't know Mario. He's that famous.

Solid Snake: Good thing I survived long enough to meet him on the field of battle, huh.

Colonel Roy Campbell: This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, Snake. Now get out there and show him what you're made of. No regrets.

Solid Snake: Got it.

Meta Knight

Solid Snake: Mei Ling, there's a mysterious masked man flying around here with a sword...

Mei Ling: That's Meta Knight. He's a knight from Dream Land. They say his sword can break the sound barrier. Whatever you do, don't get caught in one of his furious barrage attacks. He also commands the Halberd, a flying battleship.

Solid Snake: Mm, I've seen it. The bow looks like his mask. What kind of weirdo puts his face on the bow of a ship, anyway?

Mei Ling: Umm, maybe he's a little narcissistic. Kind of like someone else I know.

Solid Snake: Really... And who would that be?

Mei Ling: Use your imagination...

Ness

Colonel Roy Campbell: That kid... Isn't that Ness?

Solid Snake: Ness?

Colonel Roy Campbell: He may look like a mere boy, but don't let that fool you. He has PSI abilities that defy all scientific explanation.

Solid Snake: Just like Psycho Mantis...

Colonel Roy Campbell: Exactly. He can use teleportation, levitation, pyrokinesis, and psychokinesis.

Solid Snake: Yeah, but the question is, can he read minds?

Colonel Roy Campbell: Not to my knowledge, no.

Solid Snake: Good. Then I won't have to worry about him predicting my every move.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Even if he had telepathic powers, I don't think he'd use them to mess with you like that. I hear he's a good kid.

Peach

Solid Snake: Mei Ling, tell me what you know about Peach.

Mei Ling: Princess Peach is the beloved ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. She's been kidnapped numerous times by Bowser.

Solid Snake: Sounds pretty serious...

Mei Ling: Yes, but every time it happens, Mario ends up saving her. Sure, he may not look like your ideal "knight in shining armor." A little on the short side, I'd say... But still, don't you think it's romantic? I mean, to have a guy who's always there for you?

Solid Snake: If he was smart, he'd tell her to stop getting kidnapped.

Mei Ling: ...You don't get a lot of dates, do you, Snake?

Pikachu

Mei Ling: Ooh, how cute!

Solid Snake: What? The yellow thing?

Mei Ling: That's Pikachu. It's a Pokémon. They're popular all over the world, you know. And it may look cute, but be careful, It can store up large amounts of electricity in those adorable little cheeks. It'll try to pepper you with electric shocks.

Solid Snake: Couldn't be much worse than Ocelot's old torture device...

Mei Ling: Oh, and, Snake?

Solid Snake: What?

Mei Ling: I was wondering, could you maybe try and catch Pikachu for me? Pleeeeease?

Solid Snake: Give me a break! What do I look like, a Pokémon Trainer?

Mei Ling: Fine... Sorry I asked.

Pit

Solid Snake: Otacon, there's a kid with wings out here. Is he a mutant? Or is he just into costumes?

Otacon: That's Pit, Snake. Pit is an angel from Angel Land. He's the captain of Palutena's Army.

Solid Snake: Angels. Give me a break!

Otacon: I dunno, maybe he's from a different species. But those wings on his back and those mysterious weapons he has are the real deal. He may look young, but he's a veteran warrior. Watch yourself. He used to be a weakling, but countless trials over the years have toughened him up.

Solid Snake: And by trials, you mean, "Game Overs"?

Otacon: Yeah, you should know all about that.

Samus Aran

Solid Snake: Hey, Otacon. I got a woman here in a Power Suit...

Otacon: Huh? How'd you know she was a woman? Yeah, that'd be Samus Aran, the most renowned bounty hunter in the galaxy. Her Arm Cannon packs quite a wallop. If you get hit with a charged shot from that thing, you can kiss your butt good-bye.

Solid Snake: Sounds like my kind of woman...

Otacon: Yeah, well, just don't get too close, Snake. Samus is deadly. After Space Pirates killed her parents, she was raised by the Chozo and trained in the fighting arts. She's been places and seen things that you and me can't even begin to imagine.

Solid Snake: But underneath that cold, metal exterior beats the heart of a woman...

Sheik

Solid Snake: What's going on here? What happened to Zelda?!

Mei Ling: Snake, Princess Zelda transformed into Sheik. I can understand the clothes, but to change her skin and eye color? That must take some powerful magic.

Solid Snake: ...Magic...?

Mei Ling: Come on, Snake! Don't get all grumpy and start talking about how unscientific it is. Science is basically just another form of magic that makes our lives easier.

Solid Snake: I never thought I'd hear that coming from you, Mei Ling.

Mei Ling: Don't you think talking to someone halfway around the world is a kind of magic? Or flying across entire continents?

Solid Snake: No, I think this is completely different.

Toon Link

Solid Snake: Mei Ling, who is this kid with the cat eyes...?

Mei Ling: Oh, they call him Toon Link. Doesn't he look familiar?

Solid Snake: Yeah, he looks just like Link.

Mei Ling: But you know there've been several people who've gone by that name, right? They all have certain things in common-green clothes, a sword, a shield... But they all came from different lands and lived in different eras. And yet the spirit of the hero of the Triforce is timeless. It's an essence that transcends history.

Solid Snake: I think I can relate to that.

Mei Ling: Huh? What do you mean?

Solid Snake: There's been more than one "Snake," too, you know...

Wario

Solid Snake: This guy kind of gives me the creeps.

Colonel Roy Campbell: That's Wario, Snake. Wario first appeared as Mario's rival, but he really made his name in the WarioWare games. Watch out for Wario's bite. It's not just damage you take from it.

Solid Snake: What do you mean, Colonel?

Colonel Roy Campbell: Wario loves garlic. He eats whole cloves of it day and night. So try not to get caught in his mouth. Once that smells gets on you, it'll stick to you for quite a while.

Solid Snake: ...That's a scary thought.

Colonel Roy Campbell: He also attacks by farting. He can fart to fly around, too.

Solid Snake: By farting?! Are you kidding me?!

Colonel Roy Campbell: Sadly, no. I am not kidding. If his belly starts to bulge, watch out.

Wolf O' Donnell

Solid Snake: Colonel, there's a guy in here who looks like a wolf...

Colonel Roy Campbell: You mean the fighter named Wolf.

Solid Snake: "Wolf". Real imaginative name...

Colonel Roy Campbell: He's the leader of a ragtag team called "Star Wolf". They're the longtime rivals of Star Fox.

Solid Snake: Kind of strange for a wolf to have friends, isn't it?

Colonel Roy Campbell: Well, I don't think he works well with others. I suppose they're more like hangers-on than actual comrades. But he's a remarkable pilot. And his ship, the "Wolfen", is no slouch, either.

Solid Snake: But this is hand-to-hand combat, Colonel. He's out of his element.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Careful, Snake. Those claws of his aren't just for show.

Yoshi

Solid Snake: Otacon! What's this lizard thing?

Otacon: That's a Yoshi. It's a dinosaur from Yoshi's Island. Watch out for its long, chameleon-like tongue. If it gets you, you'll be swallowed whole.

Solid Snake: It lays eggs and throws them, right? ...Then it must be female.

Otacon: ...Actually, it's a "he." At least, that's what it says.

Solid Snake: It talks!?

Otacon: Yes! It talks! Well, kind of...

Solid Snake: Now you've got me curious. ...How about I capture one so we can see what they taste like?

Otacon: Uhh, Snake...

Zelda

Colonel Roy Campbell: Snake, I see you're fighting Zelda.

Solid Snake: Yeah, I guess. Doesn't feel right fighting someone in a dress, though.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Don't underestimate her just because she's a woman. Zelda's attacks are backed by powerful magic. Her hand-to-hand combat may look weak, but her magic makes it cut to the bone.

Solid Snake: So this rose has thorns... Interesting...

Colonel Roy Campbell: ...This is no time for pickup lines, Snake.

Solid Snake: Don't worry. I know from experience that it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Zero Suit Samus

Solid Snake: Mei Ling, Samus took her clothes off!

Mei Ling: That's just her in her zero suit, Snake.

Solid Snake: Without that bulky power suit, she's gotten alot more agile. You know, I bet if I took of all this heavy gear, I could catch her...

Mei Ling: Um, yeah, you wish. Even without the Power Suit, all that training she did with the Chozo has made her a super athlete. I don't think a normal human could keep up. Just look at her.

Solid Snake: ...Her loss.

Sonic the Hedgehog

"You're too slow!" - Taunt

"C'mon, step it up!" - Taunt

"Too easy! Piece of cake!" - Victory

"Sonic's the name, speed is my game!" - Victory

"Hey, we should do this again sometime!" - Victory

"Now I'll show you!" - Final Smash

Wario

"Wah-ha-ha!" - Taunt

"Wah! Wah! Wah!" - Taunt

"Yes!" - Victory

Wolf O'Donnell

"What's the matter...scared?" - Taunt

"Weaklings, the bunch of you!" - Victory

"I will be the one to... take you down." - Victory

"Playtime's over, Star Fox." - Victory against Fox McCloud

"We're gonna have fun with this thing!" - Final Smash

Yoshi

"Yoshi!" - Taunt

"Yoshi! Yoshi!" - Taunt

Zero Suit Samus

"Try me." - Taunt

"Is that all?" - Taunt

"You're mine." - Taunt

"Be still." - Victory


	2. Chapter 2 Told Ya So!

Andross: I've been waiting for you, Star Fox. You know that *I* control the galaxy. It's foolish to come against *me*. You will die just like your father.

Andross: [after appearing to Fox as a giant floating brain] Only I have the brains to rule Lylat!

Fox McCloud: So Andross, you show your true form.

Andross: If I go down, I'm taking you with me!

Andross: Those tin cans are no match for me!

Andross: HA HA HA! YOU can never defeat me!

Andross: I've been looking forward to this day! To see you again, Fox McCloud!

Andross: [after being hit by a bomb] Urgh!

Falco Lombardi: Hey, McCloud! Different time, different planet, and you still need Falco's help.

Andross: [off screen] Scales, you are no longer any use to me.

General Scales: Who are you? I DEMAND you show yourself!

Andross: I am the one who brought you to Krazoa Palace. The EarthWalkers could see me, but you could not.

General Scales: I don't understand.

Andross: No, I didn't think you would. Your desire for power overwhelmed you, and blinded you to the truth inside.

[after X explains everything to Mega Man, Roll, and Dr. Light]

Mega Man X: But there is still good and evil, if Vile gets those lightanium rods, evil might just win.

Dr. Albert Wily: Time to give Mr. Mayor a "friendly" call.

Cut Man: I'm going to make paper dolls out of you!

Mega Man: Maybe you should have used full power Wily, then you wouldn't have missed us!

[repeated line]

Mega Man: Sizziling circuits!

Mega Man: For a minute I forgot myself! You're more twisted than a car wreck!

Protoman: Hey! I'm doing my best to straight, and you STILL mistrust me? You think you're too good for your brother!

Mega Man: You've got it all wrong. I've always wanted a REAL brother relationship with you.

Protoman: Y-You do?

[repeated line]

Mega Man: Plasma power!

Protoman: Whatever turns yah on, Doc.

Protoman: Whatever turns yah on, Doc.

Protoman: I wish you'd never been constructed!

Mega Man: And I hope you get melted in a waffle fryer!

Mega Man: [in Wily's accent] I feel all mooshy und tingwy inside.

Guts Man: Cut the cards.

[Cut Man cuts the cards with his blade]

Guts Man: Hey!

Cut Man: You said to cut the cards.

Mega Man: It's a good thing Dr. Light built me stronger then Humpty-Dumpty.

Mega Man X: Take your choice, Vile! You can come back in one piece or one pile of circuits! Doesn't matter to me.

Mega Man: The only thing that gives me cavities is dynamite.

Mega Man: I'm sorry to take the joy out of your joystick, Dr. Wily.

Protoman: Mega Man, you're late.

Mega Man: Sorry to disappoint you robo-bro, did I win or lose?

Ice Man: Air Man, get the gate!

Air Man: Don't order me around. I'll get the gate because I want to!

Ice Man: It's not fair, Dr. Wily! I was supposed to make the glacier, not Fan-Face!

Roll: I'm one of your biggest fans, Air Man! And here it is!

Air Man: Ha ha ha! And I'm even a bigger fan of yours! Now, blow!

Wood Man: [about Mega Man] I don't think he likes us.

Protoman: Wily didn't give you a lot of brain power, did he?

Guts Man: I feel like I want to crush that little blue dweeb right now!

Cut Man: Hold onto your circuits, Guts Man! You'll get your chance.

Bright Man, Needle Man: Mega Man! Long time no see!

Mega Man: Bright Man!

Bright Man, Needle Man: That's me! Haha! And I'm here to light up your life - with 10,000 volts, that is!

Protoman: I guess I know why they call you Bright Man. Retreating's the *brightest* thing you've done all day!

Dr. Thomas Light: You are one smart Mega Man.

Mega Man: You made me that way.

Dr. Albert Wily: [He has been spying on Mega Man] Aw, what a touching father-son moment.

Dr. Albert Wily: It's a shame to destroy such an interesting looking device... bwahahaha! But I just can't help myself!

Protoman: Nobody destroys Mega Man but me!

Mega Man: Thanks, brother, but nobody's destroying Mega Man today!

Dr. Albert Wily: Goodbye, Dr. Light. It's been miserable knowing you...

"Roxas... are you really sure that you don't have a heart?"

— talking to Roxas after the opening.

"Sure! Here you are, out in the field, working for the Organization... Today, you're one of us."

— talking to Roxas about his first day.

"Sheesh, don't talk my ear off... You ready or what?"

— talking to Roxas.

"You mean laughter? Sometimes people with hearts do that even when it doesn't make any sense."

— talking about laughter.

"Hey, Roxas. Let's meet up for ice cream again after your next mission. I mean, who wants to spend their days just bouncing between work, and the castle, right?"

— while on the Clock Tower with Roxas.

"The Organization's got a second castle situated in the world between worlds. It's called Castle Oblivion. Got it memorized?

— talking about Castle Oblivion.

"Looks like it's my show now, Keyblade master. My name is Axel. Commit it to memory."

— meeting Sora.

"Good, you learn quick. So, Sora, now that we're on a first-name basis... don't go dying on me!"

— before battling Sora.

"Congratulations, Sora. You passed! You're ready to take on Castle Oblivion. Follow your memories. Trust what you remember, seek what you forget...and you will find someone very special."

— talking to Sora and company.

"That's my kind of answer. Just what I'd expect from the Keyblade master. But be forewarned... When your sleeping memories awaken, you may no longer be you."

— before disappearing.

"He became a Heartless, Larxene—and you know what happens to people who do."

— talking to Larxene.

"He's partly one of us."

— talking about Sora.

"Can we help you, Vexen? It's not very often we see you topside."

— talking to Vexen.

" Heh heh... I know exactly how you feel. Don't get your hopes up. Nobodies can't be somebodies. But think, Naminé. I'm sure there's SOMETHING you could do..."

— talking to Naminé.

"He'll really do it, you know. He's got no choice."

— talking to Marluxia.

"Done. There's no taking that order back later."

— after Marluxia orders him.

"NOW you can tell me I don't respect my elders."

— before he slashes and kills Vexen.

"Marluxia, you used Vexen to test Sora's strength, right?"

\- talking to Marluxia.

"You're all he's got left. If you don't stop this, no one will."

\- talking to Naminé about Sora.

"Oh, I don't think you should give up just yet. By the way, Naminé. I don't see Marluxia around. Do you?"

\- talking to Naminé about Marluxia.

"There's no one here to stop you. Do it right."

\- before Naminé escapes.

"Hm Hmm... Ha ha haaa! Now THIS should be good. All the actors are in place. Now, Sora! Naminé! Riku! Marluxia! Larxene! It's about time you gave me one hell of a show!"

\- Talking about everyone.

"Right, your big plan. You use Naminé to rewrite Sora's memory piece by piece. He becomes her puppet. Then, using Naminé and Sora, you and Larxene overthrow the Organization. Did I get it right? 'Cause that would make YOU the traitor, Marluxia. Not me."

— talking to Marluxia.

"Larxene paid the price for disloyalty. You're next, Marluxia. In the name of the Organization you betrayed, I will annihilate you!"

— talking to Marluxia about his betrayal to the Organization.

"Hmm... Listen, Sora. We've got more in common than you think. I'd rather not fight you... but I do have a reputation to think of!"

— before battling Sora again.

"Sorry... I'd hate to kill the suspense."

— after disappearing.

"Whatever, Vexen. Do what you want. But cut the act. Testing Sora is just an excuse to test your little follower."

— talking to Vexen about Sora and the Riku Replica.

"Larxene's out of the picture, too. Naminé turned on her. Gee, I wonder who's next?"

— talking to Zexion.

"Me? Naah. I already took my pounding from Sora. He thinks I'm done for good. I don't plan on doing a repeat performance anytime soon. No, I think Marluxia's next in line to go."

— talking about whose next to go from the Organization.

"Well, you can. All you need is strength that the real Riku doesn't have. Get that, and you can be a new person, your OWN person. Not Riku, not anybody else. You won't be someone else's copy. You'll be you."

— talking to Riku Replica.

"Sorry, Zexion. Saving you doesn't seem half as entertaining as observing Sora and Riku."

— before Riku Replica absorbs Zexion.

"Whatever, Vexen. Do what you want. But cut the act. Testing Sora is just an excuse to test your little follower."

— talking to Vexen about Sora and the Riku Replica.

"Larxene's out of the picture, too. Naminé turned on her. Gee, I wonder who's next?"

— talking to Zexion.

"Me? Naah. I already took my pounding from Sora. He thinks I'm done for good. I don't plan on doing a repeat performance anytime soon. No, I think Marluxia's next in line to go."

— talking about whose next to go from the Organization.

"Well, you can. All you need is strength that the real Riku doesn't have. Get that, and you can be a new person, your OWN person. Not Riku, not anybody else. You won't be someone else's copy. You'll be you."

— talking to Riku Replica.

"Sorry, Zexion. Saving you doesn't seem half as entertaining as observing Sora and Riku."

— before Riku Replica absorbs Zexion.

"My show now, Keyblade master. Who am I? Oh, my name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

— meeting Sora.

"Good, you're a quick learner. So Sora, now that we're getting to know each other better...don't you go off and die on me now!"

— before battling Sora.

"And you passed. Congratulations, Sora! You're ready now-ready to take on Castle Oblivion. You will need to follow your memories. Trust what you remember and seek what you forget. Then you will find someone very special."

— talking to Sora and company.

"You will just have to give some more thought to who it is that's-most important to you. Our most precious memories lie so deep within our hearts that they're out of reach. But I'm sure that you can find yours, Sora."

— talking to Sora and company.

"You have lost sight of the light within the darkness. And it seems that you've forgotten that you forgot."

— talking to Sora and company.

"Good answer. Just what I'd expect from the Keyblade master. But be forewarned... When your sleeping memories awaken, you may no longer be who you are now."

— before disappearing.

"There was a time he became a Heartless. And if one becomes a Heartless-"

— talking to Larxene.

"Right. But not Sora. He held on to his feelings, even as a Heartless. And there's only one other man who's been able to do just that."

— talking about Sora.

"How can we help you, Vexen? It's not very often we see you topside."

— talking to Vexen.

"Does it hurt, Naminé? Watching your two childhood friends fight all because of you? You have my sympathies. From the heart. But don't waste your time. We Nobodies can never hope to be Somebodies."

— talking to Naminé.

"You give a challenge like that to Vexen and he'll seriously want to eliminate Sora."

— talking to Marluxia.

"No taking that back later."

— after Marluxia orders him.

"We are just Nobodies who have no one to be, yet we still "are." But now you can be nothing instead of just being a Nobody. You're off the hook."

— before he sets Vexen on fire.

"You're all that he's got left. So then, if you don't stop this, no one will."

— telling Naminé to end her manipulation after Sora yelled at Donald and Goofy.

"Say, Naminé. Have you noticed? Marluxia doesn't seem to be around."

"Just that there's no one here who would want to get in your way."

"Just make it count."

"Now THIS should be interesting. Try and make it enjoyable, Sora. It's the least you can do for me, you know. Wait a sec, I'm enjoying this, you guys are something else."

"Ohh, right, your big plan. You use Naminé to rewrite Sora's memory piece by little piece. And he turns into her total puppet. Then, using Naminé and Sora together, you and Larxene overthrow the Organization. Am I right? I would say that YOU are the traitor, Marluxia."

— talking to Marluxia.

"Remember the order: "You must eliminate the traitor". I always follow orders, Marluxia. Larxene paid the price for disloyalty when she disappeared...You must do the same!"

— talking to Marluxia about his betrayal to the Organization.

"Hmph. Now, Sora. We've got more in common than you might think. I'd really rather not fight you... But I can't dishonor the Organization, now, can I?"

— before battling Sora again.

"Sorry... I would hate to kill the suspense."

— after disappearing.

"Vexen, Larxene, Lexaeus... I wonder who will be next in line."

— talking to Zexion about the loss of members.

"Me? No way. I already took my pounding from Sora. He thinks I'm done for good. Nope, I think it'll be Marluxia next. For defying the Organization and targeting Sora. I hope he moves exactly as his heart commands him to. So, what about you? I thought you guys had plans for Riku."

— asking Zexion about his plans.

"All you need is the kind of power that the real Riku doesn't have. If you can get that, you can be a new person-not Riku, nor anybody else. You won't just be a copy of someone. You will be unique, your OWN self."

— goading Riku Replica to attack Zexion.

"So sorry, Zexion. You just found out way too much."

— after Zexion's demise.

"Correction: the weaklings were annihilated."

— talking to Roxas about the members in Castle Oblivion.

"Come on, I would have told you that much. I gotta hand it to you... You were right. About Marluxia, the traitors... You knew exactly what was up."

— talking to Saïx about the traitors.

"Change of plans, Roxas! Our new mission is following Lunkhead there."

— talking to Roxas about following Pete.

"So what's your story? Why are you down here?"

— talking to Pence.

"Wish there was. But... it's just like Xion said. No Keyblade, no can do."

— talking to Roxas about trying to help Xion.

"Couldn't tell ya. I don't have one."

— while talking about best friends.

"Exactly. It's because of you two and the Keyblade that we're finally making some progress. We might finally get hearts of our own."

— talking to Xion.

"Hey hey! What are you grinning about?"

— while on the Clock Tower.

"So what, now I've gotta rat on my friends to you? Get out of my room, man."

— talking to Saïx.

"Oh, hey, Roxas. You hear about this vacation? About time we had a day off."

— talking about vacation to Roxas.

"Well, they do get a little help. Their teachers dish out plenty of homework. Trust me, it's over before you can blink."

— talking about vacation to Roxas.

"Ha ha, relax, would ya? I'm kidding. I just gotta keep my mouth shut about it, or else Saïx will get on my case. You know how he gets."

— talking to Roxas about his secrets.

"Hmm, true, but... I don't think that's quite the same. I guess the closest thing we Nobodies have got is our past. You know, memories of the stuff we couldn't bear to lose, back when we couldn't bear to lose it."

— talking about hearts and memories.

"Because you're not so complicated. But don't take it personal. Most Nobodies aren't."

— talking to Roxas.

"Once Kingdom Hearts is complete, you'll be able to do all kinds of things."

— talking about Kingdom Hearts.

" But he did say he would take back calling her broken—IF she proves herself more capable going forward. The best thing you can do for her now is keep up the good work."

— talking about Xion.

"You wanna know why I do? Because you're my best friends. The three of us... we're inseparable."

— talking to Roxas about friends.

"I can fly... I can fly!?"

— while flying.

"Then how 'bout I tag along? I know Castle Oblivion better than anybody else in this outfit."

— talking to Saix about the fraud in Castle Oblivion.

"I can't make that decision for you. You're no puppet in my book. You're my best friend. Mine and Roxas's. Got it memorized?"

— talking to Xion.

"It was rigged so you two would battle each other."

— talking to Roxas and Xion about the mission being a setup so that Roxas and Xion to fight.

"Once you finish your ice cream bar, check the stick. It might say WINNER."

— talking to Roxas about the ice cream.

"I didn't let her go. The old man needs to get his eyes checked. Anyway, she wasn't taking no for an answer."

— talking to Saïx.

"The Organization made her to duplicate your powers. She's a puppet"

— talking to Roxas about Xion.

"You really think the truth is going to make you feel better? It won't."

— talking to Roxas.

"You can't turn on the Organization! You get on their bad side, and they'll destroy you!"

— talking to Roxas about leaving.

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! You both... think you can do whatever you want. Well, I'm sick of it. Go on, you just keep running. But I'll always be there to bring you back!"

— talking to Xion before battling her.

"How did this happen?"

— before opening the letter with the "WINNER" ice cream stick.

"Hey, Roxas. It's been a while. What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I gotta check in with the boss. Or he's gonna let me have it."

"You know, I sure wish the Heartless would hold still once in a while. I fell right on my butt chasing them around."

"Keep your mouth shut."

"You're a replica whose original purpose was to copy Roxas' powers. So if you see Roxas' powers getting weaker, while your powers are getting stronger... it could be that you're robbing Roxas' powers more than you oughta be."

You gotta think for yourself. Cuz I know you're not just a puppet. We're best friends. You, me, and Roxas that is. Got it memorized?"

"Finding out the truth doesn't always work out for the best!"

"No way! It's too soon! You can't seriously get rid of him."

— Upon hesitating on his orders to eliminate Roxas on Day 4.

"But it's not like that! He didn't betray us! He CAN'T come back!"

— Contradicting Xaldin's explanation on Day 4.

"So you'll turn me into a Dusk..."

— Seeing Xemnas prepare for his worst punishment.

"All right. I'll do it! If that's what you want."

— Upon giving himself no choice to eliminate Roxas on Day 4.

"Roxas. All right. Fight fight fight."

— meeting Roxas.

"Talk about blank with a capital "B". Man oh man, even the Dusks aren't gonna crack this one."

— talking to Roxas.

"This town is his creation, right? That means we don't have time for a Q & A. You're coming with me, conscious or not. THEN you'll hear the story."

— "gently" forcing Roxas to come back with him.

"Number 13. Roxas. The Keyblade's chosen one."

— before fighting Roxas.

"So it was you."

— talking to DiZ.

"Roxas, don't let him deceive you!"

— convincing Roxas.

"Look at what it's come to. I've been given these icky orders to destroy you—if you refuse to come back with me."

— cornering Roxas with Dusks.

"The Roxas that I know is long gone. Fine, I see how it is..."

— after Roxas runs away from him.

"Simply amazing, Roxas."

— after some Dusks are defeated.

"You really do remember me this time? I'm SO FLATTERED... But you're too late!.. Two!?"

— before fighting Roxas again.

"Silly. Just because you have a next life..."

— before disappearing.

"Guess that's that."

— upon realizing Sora's departure from Twilight Town.

"Go where? It's not like we have homes to return to. We don't exist, remember?"

— bewildered by Riku's suggestion.

"Same here. So, you think you might let us go? I know you're here to get rid of us, but..."

— upon agreeing with Naminé and sensing DiZ's orders for Riku.

"You sure about this?"

— shocked at Riku's suggestion.

"Heh. You don't have to tell me twice."

— before opening a Corridor of Darkness.

"My thoughts exactly! If you have a dream, don't wait. Act. One of life's little rules. Got it memorized?"

— talking to Kairi.

"We've got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about. Hey, I feel like we're friends already."

— before Kairi goes into the portal.

"What took you so long, Kairi?"

— meeting Kairi in Twilight Town.

"Somehow I just knew you'd be here. I tell ya, Kairi, you've got a lot of guts, jumping right into the darkness like that."

— before taking Kairi through the portal.

"Way to fall right into their trap."

— talking to Sora and company.

"C'mon, it's a set-up by Organization XIII. Xemnas is using you to destroy the Heartless—that's his big master plan."

— talking about the Organization's plan.

"The guy you just saw. He's their leader. Got it memorized? X-E-M, N-A-S."

— talking about Xemnas.

"Man, you're slow. Every Heartless slain with that Keyblade releases a captive heart. That is what the Organization is after"

— talking about the Keyblade and the Organization.

"Bingo. The name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

— after Sora says that he kidnapped Kairi.

"Don't stop moving, or the darkness will overtake you! Get going!"

— when Sora and company are surrounded by Dusks in Betwixt and Between.

"Don't ask. Just do it!"

— before being pushed down by some Dusks.

"I kidnapped Kairi, but she got away from me. After that, Saïx caught her. He's a member of Organization XIII. Saïx. Got it memorized? Now go save her!"

— explaining Kairi's whereabouts.

"I think I liked it better when they were on my side."

— after defeating countless Nobodies.

"Nah... I can handle these punks. Watch this!"

— before causing a huge explosion.

"Well, that's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean? Not that Nobodies actually HAVE beings... right? Anyway, I digress. Go, find Kairi. Oh, almost forgot... Sorry for what I did to her."

— beginning to fade away.

"Think I'll pass. My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one."

— while fading.

"I wanted to see Roxas. He... was the only one I liked... He made me feel... like I had a heart. It's kind of... funny... You make me feel... the same... Kairi's in the castle dungeon. Now go."

— lamenting on his true motive.

"Look who's finally awake."

— talking to Roxas.

"Or, maybe I have it wrong. Might be time to sleep. Soon, we won't be able to talk like this anymore."

— while talking to Roxas.

"You know, I've been thinking about something Naminé said. Roxas, are you really sure that you don't have a heart? Is it possible that we ALL have one? You, me, her... Or is that just wishful thinking?"

— while talking to Roxas.

"Yeah, I guess not."

— while talking to Roxas.

"C'mon, don't leave me hanging."

— while talking to Roxas.

"True enough."

— before offering a sea-salt ice cream to Roxas.

"Man, I miss the old times. Still got it memorized? The day we met, when you got your new name, you and I sat right here, and watched the sun set."

— while talking to Roxas.

"You'll see them again. I know you will."

— while talking to Roxas.

"Yeah, I suppose he is. Man, this is some good ice cream, huh?"

— While eating the sea-salt ice cream.

"Right back at ya, buddy."

— before disappearing.

"Heh...best friends forever."

— before Lea's revival.

"You asked for it!"

— activating his Limit Break.

"Don't say I didn't warn you!"

— activating his Final Limit

"Burn!"

— using Fire Wall.

"Let the flames burn you!"

— using Fire Wall.

"Come here, I'll make it all stop!"

— when reloading.

"Got it memorized?"

— when finishing an attack combo.

"Gimme a break."

— when defeated.

"Whats the problem?"

— throwing his chakrams.

"You won't forget this!"

— using Firetooth.

"Oookay!"

— when attacking and using Firetooth.

"Burn, baby"

— when using Firetooth

"Burn!"

— when using Fire Wall.

"Let the flames burn you!"

— when using Firetooth or Fire Wall.

"Come here, I'll make it all stop!

— when reloading.

"So, this is it."

— when defeated.

"That's more like it!"

— at the start of the battle.

"Burn!"

— striking his chakrams.

"Don't make me mad!"

— using a continuous fire attack.

"Hey, do I ring any bells yet?"

— after using a continuous fire attack.

"Not bad, Roxas."

— upon defeat.

"No you don't!"

— striking his chakrams.

"Out of the way!"

— using his fire rush attack.

"Want more!?"

— hitting the ground when inside the flame ring.

"I'll wipe you all out!"

— using a continuous fire attack.

"Come here, I'll make it all stop"

— at the start of his second battle with Roxas.

"Burn, baby!"

— changing the field into fire.

"Roxas!"

— throwing his chakrams.

"Get back!"

— striking his flaming chakrams.

"What's the problem?"

— after using his normal or flaming chakrams.

"Oookay!"

— leaping into the fire wall.

"Take that!"

— leaping onto the ground.

""You won't forget this!"

— surrounding himself with fire for his continuous fire attack.

"Got it memorized?"

— after using his continuous fire attack.

"Roxas..."

— upon his second defeat against Roxas.

"Sora!"

— throwing his chakrams in the Data battle.

"You got me."

— upon his defeat in the Data battle.

Genie: Oi! Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck.

Aladdin: [saving Jasmine from an irate merchant] Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her.

Aladdin: [to Jasmine] I've been looking all over for you!

Princess Jasmine: [whispering] What are you doing?

Aladdin: [whispering] Just play along.

Farouk: You, uh, know this girl?

Aladdin: Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy.

Farouk: She said she knew the sultan!

Aladdin: [gesturing to Abu] She thinks the monkey is the sultan.

Princess Jasmine: [bowing to Abu] O wise Sultan, how may I serve you?

[Abu mutters gibberish]

Aladdin: Tragic, isn't it? But, no harm done. Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor.

Princess Jasmine: [to a camel] Oh, hello, Doctor. How are you?

Aladdin: [through his teeth] No, no, no, not that one... Come on, Sultan.

Genie: [as a group of cheerleaders] Rick 'em, rack 'em, rock 'em, rake! Stick that sword into that snake!

Jafar: [as a snake] You stay out of thisss!

Genie: [weakly] Jafar, Jafar, he's our man. If he can't do it, GREAT!

Genie: I'm free. I'm free. Quick. Quick. Wish for something outrageous. Say, "I, I want the Nile." Wish for the Nile. Try that!

Aladdin: Uh... I wish for the Nile.

Genie: No way!

[laughs]

Genie: Oh, does that

Genie: [as a female flight attendant] Thank you for choosing Magic Carpet for all your travel needs. Don't stand until the rug has come to a complete stop. Thank you. Goodbye now. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye.

Genie: [back to normal] Well, how about that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa?

Aladdin: Oh, you sure showed me. Now, about my three wishes.

Genie: Dost mine ears deceive me? Three? You are down by one, boy!

Aladdin: Ah, no, I never actually wished to get out of the cave, huh. You did that on your own.

[Genie's mouth drops]

Genie: Oh, I feel sheepish.

[he turns into a sheep]

Genie: All right, you ba-a-a-ad boy. But no more freebies.

Genie: So, what'll it be, Master?

Aladdin: You're gonna grant me any three wishes I want, right?

Genie: [as William F. Buckley] Uh, almost. There are a few, uh, provisos, a, a couple of quid pro quos.

Aladdin: Like?

Genie: [normal] Uh, rule #1: I can't kill anybody.

[cuts his head off]

Genie: So don't ask.

Genie: [fixes his head] Uh, rule #2: I can't make anybody fall in love with anybody else.

[turns into a pair of lips and kisses Aladdin]

Genie: You little punim there.

Genie: [turns into a cross between slimy Genie and Peter Lorre] Rule #3: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!

[he returns to normal]

Genie: Other than that, you got it.

Genie: [as Jack Nicholson] All right, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady, you gotta be a straight shooter. Do ya got it?

Aladdin: What?

Genie: [pointing to each word on a blackboard] Tell her, the TRUUUUUUTH!

Aladdin: You're a prisoner?

Genie: It's all part and parcel, the whole genie gig.

[grows to a gigantic size]

Genie: Phenomenal cosmic powers!

[shrinks down inside the lamp]

Genie: Itty bitty living space!

[Genie and Carpet are playing chess]

Genie: So, move.

[Carpet makes a move]

Genie: Hey! That's a good move.

[as Rodney Dangerfield]

Genie: I can't believe it. I'm losing to a rug.

Aladdin: Provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? Huh.

[to Abu]

Aladdin: Some all powerful Genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't even get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna have to find a way outta here.

Genie: [stomps his foot to stop Aladdin, Abu, and Carpet from leaving] Excuse me?

Genie: [scoffs]

Genie: Are you looking at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden you're walking out on me? I don't think so, not right now. You're getting your wishes, so sit down!

Genie: But, oh, to be free! Not to have to go "Poof! What do you need?", "Poof! What do you need?", "Poof! What do you need?" To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world! But what am I talking about? Let's get real here, it's not gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus.

Genie: [leaving to travel the world] I'm history! No, I'm mythology! Nah, I don't care what I am. I'm free-hee!

Woman: Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Aladdin?

Aladdin: Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught.

Razoul: [snatching Aladdin by the collar] Gotcha!

Aladdin: I'm in trouble.

[last lines after credits, special edition only]

Genie: You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos!

Iago: Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's gone nuts. Jafar! Jafar, get a grip!

[Jafar grabs Iago by the throat]

Iago: Ack! Good grip.

Genie: Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that, or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side. Do I look different to you?

Iago: [taking Genie's lamp] Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you.

Jafar: [he switches to Jafar's voice] Excellent work, Iago.

Iago: Ah, go on.

Jafar: [again] No, really. On a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven.

Iago: Oh, Jafar, you're too kind. I'm embarrassed. I'm blushing.

Merchant: Look at this! Yes! Heh, heh. Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes julienne fries. Will not break!

[taps it on table]

Merchant: Will not...

[it falls apart]

Merchant: It broke!

Genie: Enough about you, Casanova. Talk about her.

Aladdin: Huh?

Genie: She's smart, fun. The hair, the eyes. Anything. Pick a feature.

Genie: Yo, Rugman! Haven't seen you in a few millennia. Give me some tassel.

[Abu is swinging a stolen sword at the guards]

Guard: [frightened] He's got a sword!

Razoul: [to his subordinates] You idiots.

[louder]

Razoul: We've all got swords!

Merchant: [holding up an oil lamp] Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life; a young man who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits... with a dark purpose.

Aladdin: All this for a loaf of bread?

Aladdin: Wow. The palace looks pretty amazing, huh?

Princess Jasmine: [glumly] Oh... It's wonderful.

Aladdin: I wonder what it'd be like to live there, and have servants, and valets.

Princess Jasmine: Oh, sure. People who tell you where to go and how to dress.

Aladdin: That's better than here. You're always scraping for food and ducking the guards.

Princess Jasmine: You're not free to make your own choices.

Aladdin: Sometimes you feel so...

Princess Jasmine: You're just...

Aladdin, Princess Jasmine: ...trapped.

Genie: [after explaining to Aladdin that he can grant any wish his heart desires] You ain't never had a friend like me!

Genie: [sniffs tearfully] No matter what anybody says, you'll always be a prince to me.

Sultan: That's right! You've certainly proven your worth as far as I'm concerned. It's that law that's the problem.

Princess Jasmine: Father?

Sultan: Well, am I Sultan or am I Sultan? From this day forth, the Princess shall marry whomever she deems worthy.

Princess Jasmine: Him! I choose... I choose you, Aladdin.

Aladdin: [chuckles] Call me Al.

Sultan: Prince Ali Ababwa! Of course! I'm delighted to meet you.

[he shakes Aladdin's hand]

Sultan: This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He's delighted, too.

Jafar: [very dryly] Ecstatic.

Sultan: Jafar, you vile betrayer!

Iago: That's Sultan Vile Betrayer to you!

[last lines]

Genie: Made you look.

Merchant: Welcome to Agrabah, city of mystery, of enchantment. AndthefinestmerchandisethissideoftheriverJordanonsaletoday! Come on down!

["Snake" Jafar has Aladdin in a tight squeeze]

Jafar: You little fool. You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth.

Iago: Squeeze him, Jafar. Squeeze him like a- Awk!

[Genie elbows Iago and knocks him into the air]

Jafar: Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing.

Aladdin: The Genie... The Genie! The Genie has more power than you'll ever have!

Jafar: What?

Aladdin: He gave you your power. He can take it away.

Genie: [smiling uncomfortably] Al, what're you doing? Why are you bringing me into this?

Aladdin: Face it, Jafar. You're still just second best!

Jafar: [slightly shocked] You're right. His power does exceed my own. But not for long.

Jafar: [from inside the lamp] Get your blasted beak out of my face!

Iago: Oh, shut up, you moron!

Jafar: Don't tell me to shut up!

Genie: [taking the lamp off Aladdin] Allow me. Ten thousand years in a Cave of Wonders ought to chill him out!

[flicks them into the distance]

Genie: Oh, Al. I'm getting kinda fond of you, kid. Not that I wanna pick out curtains or anything.

[Princess Jasmine is in disguise, and hanging out with Aladdin, when the guards capture him]

Princess Jasmine: Let him go!

Razoul: [laughs] Looky here, men. A street mouse.

[throws her down]

Princess Jasmine: Unhand him!

[pulls off the hood of her cloak]

Princess Jasmine: By order of the Princess.

Razoul: [everyone falls silent and bows] Princess Jasmine!

Aladdin: The Princess?

Abu the Monkey: [peaks out from a jar] The Princess?

Razoul: What are you doing outside the palace? And with this street rat?

Princess Jasmine: That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him!

Razoul: Well, I would, Princess, except my orders come from Jafar. You'll have to take it up with him.

Princess Jasmine: Believe me, I will.

[repeated line]

Cave of Wonders: Who disturbs my slumber?

Genie: [as tailor] First, that fez and vest combo is much too third century. These patches. What are we trying to say? Beggar? No. Let's work with me here.

[after taking measurements, turns Aladdin's rags into fine clothes]

Genie: Ooh, I like it! Muy macho!

Genie: I'm telling you, nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi! Where you from? What's your name?

Aladdin: Uh... uh, Aladdin.

Genie: Aladdin! Hello, Aladdin, nice to have you on the show. Can we call you Al, or maybe just Din? Or how about Laddie?

[turns into a Scotsman]

Genie: Sounds like, 'Here, boy!'

[whistles]

Genie: 'C'mon, Laddie!'

[turns into a dog]

Aladdin: I must've hit my head harder than I thought.

Genie: Al, I can't help you. I work for Senor Psychopath now.

[when Gazeem tries to steal the lamp from the Cave of Wonders, the latter swallows him whole]

Iago: I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get ahold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting.

Jafar: Patience, Iago, patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy.

Iago: Oh, there's a big surprise! That's an incredib... I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise! What are we gonna do? We got a big problem here, a big... Mmph!

[Jafar grabs Iago's beak to shut him up]

Jafar: Yes. Only one may enter. I must find this one, this... diamond in the rough.

Aladdin: [singing] Riffraff, street rat. I don't buy that. If only they'd look closer. Would they see a poor boy? No, siree! They'd find out there's so much more to me.

Aladdin: [sighs, no longer singing] Someday, Abu, things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all.

Jafar: Just... where did you say you were from?

Aladdin: [as Prince Ali Ababwa] Oh, uh... uh, much farther than you've traveled, I'm sure.

Jafar: Try me.

Genie: [whispers] Psst. Your line is "I'm going to free the Genie." Anytime.

Princess Jasmine: [after their magic carpet ride around the world] It's all so magical.

Aladdin: [as Prince Ali] Yeah.

Princess Jasmine: [sneakily] It's a shame Abu had to miss this.

Aladdin: Nah. He hates fireworks. He really doesn't like flying either. Uh... that is... um... Oh, no!

Princess Jasmine: [pulls off Aladdin's turban] You *are* the boy from the market. I knew it! Why did you lie to me?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I'm sorry!

Princess Jasmine: Did you think I was stupid?

Aladdin: No!

Princess Jasmine: That I wouldn't figure it out?

Aladdin: No! I-I mean... I-I hoped you wouldn't. Uh... no, that-that's not what I meant!

Princess Jasmine: Who are you? Tell me the truth.

Aladdin: The truth? The truth, um... The-the truth is, I... I-I sometimes dress as a commoner, um, to escape the pressures of palace life. But I-I really am a prince.

Princess Jasmine: Why didn't you just tell me?

Aladdin: Well, you know, uh... um, royalty going out into the city in disguise, I mean, it sounds a little strange, don't you think?

Princess Jasmine: Hmm... Not that strange.

Aladdin: Jasmine? I'm sorry I lied to you about being a prince.

Princess Jasmine: I know why you did.

Aladdin: Well, I guess... this... is goodbye?

Princess Jasmine: Oh, that stupid law. This isn't fair! I love you.

[Genie wipes away a tear from his eyes]

Genie: Al, no problem. You've still got one wish left. Just say the word, and you're a prince again.

Aladdin: But, Genie, what about your freedom?

Genie: Hey, it's only an eternity of servitude. This is love! Al, you're not gonna find another girl like her in a million years. Believe me, I know. I've looked.

Aladdin: Hey... can you make me a prince?

Genie: [opens 'Royal Recipes' book] Uh, let's see. "Chicken à la King"?

[chuckles]

Genie: Nope. "Alaskan king crab".

[pulls out a crab clamped to his finger]

Genie: [flicking it off] Ow. I hate when they do that. "Caesar salad-"

[arm with a knife raises from the book trying to stab him]

Genie: Aah! Et tu, Brute? No. Aha! "To make a prince."

Princess Jasmine: Father, I choose Prince Ali!

Jafar: Prince Ali left.

Aladdin: [standing in the doorway to the balcony] Better check your crystal ball again, Jafar!

Princess Jasmine: [to Jafar] At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am Queen, I will have the power to get rid of you.

Sultan: Well, now. That's nice. All settled then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business. Jasmine? Jasmine!

[the Sultan notices that Jasmine is running out of the room, and runs after her]

Jafar: [scowls in their direction] If only I had gotten that lamp!

Iago: [mocking Jasmine] "I will have the power to get rid of you." Dahhh! To think we gotta keep kissing up to that chump, and his chump daughter, for the rest of our lives.

Jafar: No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she'll have us banished. Or beheaded.

Jafar, Iago: Ew.

Iago: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! Jafar, what if you were the chump husband?

Jafar: What?

Iago: Okay, okay. You marry the princess, all right? And and, uh, you. Then you become the sultan!

Jafar: Marry the shrew. I become sultan. The idea has merit.

Iago: Yes, merit. Yes! And then, we drop papa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff.

[he dives off Jafar's staff headfirst, then hits the ground]

Iago: "Yah. Ker-splat!"

Jafar: [laughs] I love the way your foul little mind works!

[both laugh evilly]

Princess Jasmine: Please, try to understand. I've never done a thing on my own. I've never had any real friends.

[Rajah grumbles in protest]

Princess Jasmine: Except you, Rajah.

[Rajah purrs happily]

Princess Jasmine: I've never even been outside the palace walls.

Sultan: But, Jasmine, you're a princess.

Princess Jasmine: Then maybe I don't wanna be a princess anymore.

Sultan: [exasperated] Oh! I, I...

Sultan: [to Rajah] Allah forbid you should have any daughters!

Rajah: Huh?

Genie: What would you wish of me?

[as Arnold Schwarzenegger]

Genie: The ever impressive...

[as if trapped in a box]

Genie: ... the long-contained...

[as SeÒor Wences]

Genie: ... the often immitated, but never...

[multiplies himself]

Genie: ... duplicated... duplicated... duplicated... duplicated... Genie of the Lamp!

[as Ed Sullivan]

Genie: Right here, direct from the lamp. Right here for your very much wish-fulfillment. Thank you.

Aladdin: Wait, wait a minute. I'm... your master?

Genie: [gives Aladdin a mortar cap and diploma] That's right! He can be taught!

Prince Achmed: You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you!

[the palace gates slam shut in front of Aladdin]

Aladdin: I'm not worthless. And I don't have fleas!

[he scratches his head]

Aladdin: [sighs] Come on, Abu. Let's go home.

Merchant: [holding up a box] Ooh! Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen.

[he lifts the lid of the box a little and blows a clandestine raspberry]

Merchant: Ah, still good.

Iago: I can't believe it, I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get a hold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at thi - look at this, I'm so ticked off that I'm molting!

Aladdin: Wish fulfillment?

Genie: Three wishes, to be exact. And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. That's it. Three. Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.

Jafar: You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.

[Iago is disguised as a flamingo. He turns around and finds a real flamingo smiling in his face]

Iago: You got a problem, pinky?

[he hits the flamingo with one of his stilts]

Iago: Jerk.

Razoul: [to Aladdin] We just keep running into each other, don't we, street rat?

Guard: You won't get away so easy!

Aladdin: You think that was easy?

Jafar: [hypnotizing the Sultan with his snake staff] You will order the Princess to marry me.

Sultan: [hypnotized] I... will order... the Princess... to...

[suddenly breaks out of the trance]

Sultan: But you're so old!

Jafar: [shoving his staff into the Sultan's face again] The Princess *will* marry me!

Aladdin: [picking up the lamp] This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to...

[sees Abu take a ruby]

Aladdin: Abu! Nooo!

Cave of Wonders: Infidels!

Abu the Monkey: Uh-oh.

Cave of Wonders: [thundering] You have touched the forbidden treasure! Now you will never again see the light of day!

Aladdin: So, three wishes. Hm, I want them to be good. What would you wish for?

Genie: Me? No one's ever asked me that before. Well, in my case... Ah, forget it.

Aladdin: What?

Genie: No, I can't tell you.

Aladdin: C'mon, tell me.

Genie: Freedom!

[Abu goes crazy and leaps onto Aladdin's head as they escape from the destructing Cave of Wonders]

Aladdin: Abu! Abu, this is no time to panic!

[sees that they're about to hit a wall]

Aladdin: Start panicking!

Jafar: I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince Abubu.

[Aladdin is close to drowning, and his unconscious body falls and rubs against the lamp]

Genie: [appearing with a bathing cap and washing his back] Never fails. You get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.

[squeaks rubber duckie]

Genie: Hello!

[sees Aladdin]

Genie: Al? Al! Kid! Snap out of it! Oh, you can't cheat on this one. I can't help you unless you make a wish. You have to say, "Genie, I want you to save my life." Got it? Okay!

[shakes Aladdin]

Genie: Come on, Aladdin!

[Aladdin's head droops]

Genie: I'll take that as a yes.

[he changes into a submarine and pulls Aladdin out of the sea]

[first lines after the opening song]

Merchant: Ahh! Salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend. Please, please, come closer.

[camera hits him in the face]

Merchant: Too close! A little too close.

[camera backs up]

Merchant: There. Welcome to Agrabah.

Aladdin: [singing] Let's not be too hasty!

Heavyset Harlem: [scoops Aladdin up in her arms and sings] Still I think he's rather tasty!

Genie: [on Carpet] In case of emergency, the exits are here-here-here-here-here-here-here-here-here-here-here - anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet!

[zapping Carpet out from the cave]

Genie: We're... outta here!

Sultan: Jasmine? Jasmine! Jasmine...

[suddenly Rajah rears up in front of the Sultan with a rag in his mouth]

Sultan: Confound it, Rajah!

[he pulls half of the rag out of Rajah's mouth]

Sultan: So! This is why Prince Achmed stormed out!

Princess Jasmine: Oh, Father. Rajah was just playing with him. Weren't you, Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you?

[Jasmine and Rajah chuckle, drawing an angry look from the Sultan]

Iago: We gotta get outta here! We gotta get out! I gotta start packing, Your Highness! Only essentials, we gotta travel light. Bring the guns, the weapons, the knives...

[suddenly comes across a photo of himself and Jafar as he is rummaging through his possessions]

Iago: And, uh, how about this picture? I don't know, I think I'm making a weird face in it.

Genie: Do you mind if I kiss the monkey?

[kisses Abu's head then coughs up small ball of fur]

Genie: Oh! Hairball.

Sultan: It's this suitor business. Jasmine refuses to choose a husband. I'm at my wits' end.

Iago: Awk! Wits' end!

Sultan: Oh.

[laughs and pulls out a cracker]

Sultan: Have a cracker, pretty Polly.

[Iago gasps and shakes his head. Sultan stuffs the cracker into Iago's mouth]

Jafar: [laughs as Iago chokes] Your Majesty certainly has a way with dumb animals.

[Iago gives Jafar an angry look]

Jafar: [disguised as a prisoner] You've heard of the golden rule, haven't you? Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Aladdin: [hanging from the entrance of the Cave of Wonders] Help me out!

Jafar: [in disguise] Throw me the lamp!

Aladdin: I can't hold on! Give me your hand!

Jafar: First give me the lamp!

[Aladdin does so]

Jafar: [laughs triumphantly] Yes! At last!

[he grabs Aladdin's wrist]

Aladdin: What're you doing?

Jafar: Giving you your reward - your eternal reward!

[he pulls out a dagger and is about to stab Aladdin; Abu bites his arm, forcing him to drop the dagger; Jafar then throws Aladdin and Abu back down the Cave, just as it closes]

Jafar: [chuckles, removing his disguise] It's mine. It's all mine. I...

[he searches for the lamp, but can't find it]

Jafar: Where is it? No! Noooooo!

Aladdin: They wanna make me Sultan. No, they wanna make Prince Ali Sultan. Without you, I'm just Aladdin.

Genie: Al, you won!

Aladdin: Because of you. The only reason anyone thinks I'm worth anything is because of you. What if they find out I'm not really a prince? What if Jasmine finds out? I'd lose her. Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I... I can't wish you free.

Genie: [disappointed] Fine, I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, Master!

[disappears into lamp resentfully]

Sultan: [hypnotized] Jasmine.

Princess Jasmine: Oh, Father. I just had the most wonderful time. I'm so happy.

Sultan: [hypnotized] You should be, Jasmine. I have chosen a husband for you.

Princess Jasmine: What?

Sultan: [hypnotized] You will wed Jafar.

[the other door opens and reveals Jafar and Iago]

Jafar: You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.

Jafar: You are late.

Gazeem: A thousand apologies, Oh Patient One.

Aladdin: Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?

Jafar: A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how snakelike I can be!

[he turns into a giant snake]

Iago: I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers. Bam! Whack!

Jafar: Calm yourself, Iago.

Iago: And then I'd grab him around the head. Whack, whack!

Jafar: Soon I will be sultan, not that addlepated twit.

Iago: And then I stuff the crackers down his throat. Ha ha.

[worried about Jasmine's refusal to choose a suitor]

Sultan: I don't know where she gets it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky.

Sultan: [of "Prince Ali Ababwa"] Jasmine will like this one.

Aladdin: And I'm pretty sure I'll like Princess Jasmine.

Jafar: Your Highness, no! I must intercede on Jasmine's behalf. This boy is no different from the others. What makes him think he is worthy of the Princess?

Aladdin: Your Majesty, I am Prince Ali Ababwa. Just let her meet me. I will win your daughter.

Princess Jasmine: How dare you? All of you! Standing around deciding my future? I am not a prize to be won!

Aladdin: [seeing Achmed ride toward the palace] Look at that, Abu. It's not every day you see a horse with two rear ends.

Iago: Oh, nice shot, Jaf...

[Abu whacks him over the head, and Iago passes out]

[Prince Achmed comes storming in from the palace gardens after being rejected by Princess Jasmine]

Prince Achmed: I've never been so insulted!

Sultan: Oh, Prince Achmed, you're, you're not... leaving so soon, are you?

Prince Achmed: [walks away, pants at the butt area are ripped off, revealing spotted underwear] Good luck marrying *her* off!

Genie: [as he is being released] You know, Al, I'm getting really...

[notices Jafar]

Genie: I don't think you're him.

Genie: [reading a script] Tonight the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man.

Jafar: I am your master now!

[crushes Genie under his foot]

Genie: [muffled] I was afraid of that.

Jafar: Genie, grant me my first wish. I wish to rule on high, as Sultan!

[Aladdin has tricked Jafar into wishing to be a more powerful genie than Genie]

Jafar: The universe is mine to command! To control!

Aladdin: Not so fast, Jafar! Aren't you forgetting something?

Jafar: Huh?

Aladdin: You wanted to be a genie? You got it!

[cufflinks form on Jafar's wrists]

Jafar: What?

Aladdin: And everything that goes with it.

[Aladdin holds up a black genie lamp, which sucks Jafar in]

Jafar: No! No!

Iago: I'm getting out of here!

Aladdin: Phenomenal cosmic powers...

[Iago tries to flee, but Jafar grabs him]

Iago: Come on, you're the genie. I don't want, I don't...!

[both Jafar and Iago disappear in the lamp]

Aladdin: ...itty bitty living space.

Genie: Al, you little genius, you!

Iago: Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Agrabah welcome for Sorcerer Jafar!

Jafar: Now where were we? Ah, yes abject humiliation!

[He zaps Jasmine and Sultan with his staff, and they both bow to him. Rajah comes running at him]

Jafar: Down, boy!

[He zaps Rajah, and the tiger turns into a kitten. Rajah meows]

Jafar: Oh princess

[lifts Jasmine's chin with his staff]

Jafar: there's someone I'm dying to introduce you to.

Aladdin: [Flying towards him on Carpet] Jafar! Get your hands off her!

Jafar: [zaps Aladdin, Carpet flies away. Singing] Prince Ali, yes, it is he, but not as you know him. Read my lips and come to grips with reality.

Jafar: Yes, meet a blast from your past. Whose lies were too good to last! Say hello to your precious Prince Ali!

[zaps Ali back to Aladdin as he says it]

Iago: [mockingly] Or should we say Aladdin?

Princess Jasmine: [shocked gasp] Ali?

Aladdin: Jasmine, I tried to tell you. I just.

Jafar: [still singing] So Ali turns out to be merely Aladdin.

Jafar: Just a con, need I go on? Take it from me, his personality flaws, give me adequate cause,

[sends Aladdin and Abu in a pillar, Carpet flies in after them]

Jafar: to send him packing on a one way trip so his prospects take a terminal dip, his assets frozen, the venue chosen, is the ends of the earth.

Jafar: [sends the pillar in the air]

[Spoken]

Jafar: Whoopee! So long!

Iago: Goodbye. See ya.

Jafar: [sings] Ex-Prince Ali!

[laughs maniacally]

Aladdin: Abu? Abu! Oh, this is all my fault. I should have freed the Genie when I had the chance.

Aladdin: Abu! Are you okay?

Abu the Monkey: [shivers] Uh-huh.

Aladdin: I'm sorry, Abu. I made a mess of everything, somehow. I gotta go back and set things right. Yeah! All right! Now, back to Agrabah! Let's go!

Jafar: How many times do I have to kill you, boy?

Jafar: Trust me, my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you.

Iago: What's coming to you. Awk!

Aladdin: Princess Jasmine, you're very...

Genie: Wonderful! Magnificent! Glorious! Punctual!

Aladdin: Punctual!

Princess Jasmine: Punctual?

Genie: Sorry.

Aladdin: Uh, beautiful!

Genie: Nice recovery.

Aladdin: Genie, I wish for your freedom.

Genie: One bona fide prince pedigree coming up. I... What?

Aladdin: [holds the lamp up to Genie] Genie, you're free!


	3. Chapter 3 Another Day at the Office

Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.

Diversity Day

Michael: Hi, I'm Michael Scott Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Pam: [during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.

Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo!

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.

Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.

Jim: Oh, great.

Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?

Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.

Pam: Nice.

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Jim: Dwight, don't you need health insurance?

Dwight: Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam: Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight: So I can lower it.

Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."

Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.

Meredith: I... get it.

Michael: When I retire, I—I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But— it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"

Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.

Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.

Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

Dwight: Gimli.

Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

[a hot girl walks in]

Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?

Jim: Cute, sure.

Roy: Why don't you get on that?

Jim: She's not really my type.

Roy: What are you, gay?

Jim: Mmm... I don't think so, nope.

Kevin: Well what is your type?

Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.

Roy: That is disgusting.

Kevin: Stay away from my mom.

Jim: Too late, Kev.

[MEANWHILE]

King Candy: [puts on glasses] You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?

[Ralph smacks the King with the glasses]

King Candy: You hit a guy, with glasses. That's... that's... well-played.

[last lines]

Wreck-It Ralph: Because if that little kid likes me, how bad can I be?

Surge Protector: Step aside, sir. Random security check.

Wreck-It Ralph: Random, my behind. You always stop me.

Surge Protector: I'm just a surge protector doing my job, sir. Name?

Wreck-It Ralph: Lara Croft.

Surge Protector: Name?

Wreck-It Ralph: Wreck-It Ralph.

Surge Protector: And where you coming from?

Wreck-It Ralph: Uh, "Pac-Man."

Surge Protector: You bring any fruit with you?

Wreck-It Ralph: [hides the giant cherries behind his back] No! No, no fruit.

Surge Protector: Okay, then, where you headed?

Wreck-It Ralph: Uh, "Fix-It Felix, Jr."

Surge Protector: Anything to declare?

Wreck-It Ralph: I hate you.

Surge Protector: I get that a lot. Proceed.

Fix-It Felix: What's he say, what's he say...?

[imitating Ralph]

Fix-It Felix: I'm gonna wreck it!

[Felix hits the prison bars with his hammer... which reappear, thicker and stronger]

Fix-It Felix: Why do I fix EVERYTHING I touch?

[last lines]

Wreck-It Ralph: [voice-over] But the best part of my day is when the Nicelanders throw me off the roof. Because when they lift me up, I get a perfect view of "Sugar Rush," and I can watch Vanellope racing. The kid's a natural, and the players love her, glitch and all, just like I knew they would.

[Over at Sugar Rush, Venellope wins her race, receives her trophy, and fist-bumps the girl playing the game]

Wreck-It Ralph: Turns out I don't need a medal to tell me I'm a good guy. Because if that little kid likes me...

[Vanellope, holding her trophy, smiles and waves at Ralph. Ralph waves back, smiling contentedly]

Wreck-It Ralph: How bad can I be?

Wynchel: Are you hurt sir?

King Candy: No, he just glazed me. Hoo-hoo.

Vanellope von Schweetz: You're not from here are you?

[ELSEWHERE]

Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

[Later while Canvasing]

Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.

Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?

Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?

Mark: Oh, how old are your kids?

Man: No kids.

Tom: Uh-oh.

April: I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."

Mark: Don't do that.

Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.

Mark: April, please stand behind me.

Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck.

Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady.

[A Reporter shows up]

Leslie: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular...

Ron: Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble.

Tom: I know. You're destroying me.

Ron: You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks at camera] And she's a bitch.

Tom: Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.

Ron: Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

[Hanging out at a Strip Club after work]

Tom: When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind of politician.

[cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart]

Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. [turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the next one.

Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.

[Later at the Baquet]

Leslie: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into rainsticks. And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used every part of the pioneer.

Ann: Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine Restrepo?

[In the Lego Dimension]

Emmet

Good morning apartment, good morning doorway,good morning wall, good morning ceiling, good morning floor! Ready to start the day!

(Hums) Ah, here it is. Instuctions to fit in, have everybody like you, and always be happy!

Step 1, breathe. (breathes)

Step 2, greet the day, smile and say: "Good Morning, City!"

Step 3, Exercise.

Jumping jacks, hit'em! 1... (click) ...2... (click) ...3! (click) I'm so pumped up!

Step 4, shower.

And always be sure to keep the soap out of your [screams AAAAHHH! while having a shower as the soap lands in his eyes]

Shave your face, Brush your teeth, Comb your hair.

Wear clothes!

Ooop, I almost forgot that one!

(Tries to find construction clothes) No, no, uh-uh, got that wrong. And that's it, check.

Step nine, eat a complete breakfast with all the special people in your life.

Hey, planty, what are you going to do this morning? Watch TV? Me too!

You have a great day too, President Business. Man, he's such a cool guy. I always wanna hear more of...wait! Did he say put to sleep?!

What was I just thinking? I don't care.

Step eleven, greet your neighbors.

Oh, hey Jasmine, Dexter, Angie, Loki, Brad, Leroy, Fluffy, Fluffy Junior, Fluffy Senior, Jeff.

Step twelve, obey all traffic signs and regulations.

Step thirteen, enjoy popular music.

Oh my Gosh, I love this song! [Everything is Awesome turns on]

Hey pal, I hate to tell you this, I don't think you're supposed to be here. Well, I'll just have to report yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

I want to go home! [A house appears in front of him] This is not what I meant!

Oh my G-O-S-H!

Hey, listen do you think you can explain to me why I'm dressed like this, and what those big words in the sky were all about, and, like where we are, in... time?

Great. I think I got it, but just in case, tell me the whole thing again. I wasn't listening.

You guys are so talented and imaginative... but you can't work as a team. I'm just a construction worker, but when I have a plan and we were working together, we could build a skyscraper. Now you guys are Master Builders. Just imagine what you could do if you did that! ...You could save the universe!

But I can't do any of the things the prophecy says I'm supposed to do.

I would not rather he died!

President Business is going to end the world? But he's such a nice guy! And Octan, they make good stuff: Dairy products, TV shows, coffee, surveillance cameras, all history books, voting machines...wait a minute.

Well howdy there! I'm a cowboy! Bang, bang, bang. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Bullet, bullet, gun. Zap, pow, zap, pow. What are they all looking at?

Well I'm dark and brooding too- guys, look! A rainbow!

But there's no signs anywhere! How do you know what not to do?

Hello! I'm Emmet... oh and this is the Piece of Resistance.

That is against the instructions!

That's not true. For instance, one time I wanted to have a bunch of my friends over to watch TV.

Not unlike this TV that just showed up magically. And not everybody could fit on my one couch.

And I thought to myself, well, what if there's such a thing as a bunk bed, but as a couch?

Introducing "the double decker couch", so everyone could watch TV together and be buddies!

Who's The Man Upstairs?

Does he have super gross hands that look like they're made out of big pink sausages, like eagle talons mixed with squid?

Wow! That's what I was just thinking about!

I had this weird dream when I touched the Piece. Well, I...I mean I wasn't asleep, so it wasn't really dream...

But I can't do any of the stuff that the prophecy says I'm supposed to do.

I don't know what I'm doing. (screams Aaahh!)

Ah! I got pigs! I hate pigs!

Wyldstyle, we could really use your help!

No, let's not let Emmet try! I haven't had any training!

What are we gonna do?

Batman!

That's your boyfriend?

Batman, huh? Where did you guys meet?

Oh, no. You're boyfriend's gone.

So, uh... Hey, guys? I think we're about to crash into the sun.

Uh...is this Cloud Cuckoo Land? I don't see any clouds, or cuckoos.

Am I just gonna keep...falling...forever?!

Is this another vision?

Where am I? Is that...the Office Tower?

Bricksburg! What was that?!

What in the world is that?

It's adorable.

Uhhhhh...Hi?

More Kragles?!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! All of those are my friends! No! Stop it!

The Piece of Resistance! I can still save them.

Well for what it's worth, this has been about the greatest 15 minutes of my life.

I'm dark and rooting too. Hey guys, look a rainbow!

I gotta get the Piece of Resistance. If I could get the attention of the smaller creature. I gotta move.

Sorry, street.

I can see everything!

I am a Master Builder.

Lucy, I'm going inside that thing.

Take that! Ha-ha! Come here! (destroying Micromanagers)

No! Quit tearing me apart!

Come on!

Eeerrrragh! (Still destroying micromanagers, finally manages to break into Lord Business's aircraft)

No, stop! Please! If you do one thing and I'm gonna unleash my secret weapon!

Yes. It's called "The Power of the Special".

Alright. Here it comes. My secret weapon...is this.

It's my hand. I want you to take it.

I want you to join me. Look at all the things that people built. You might see a mess. For what I see are people inspired by each other, and by you. People take things from what you have, are making something new out of it.

You...don't have to be...the bad guy. You are the most talented, most interesting, and most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things. Because you are the Special. And so am I. And so is everyone. The prophecy is made up, but it's also true. It's about all of us. Right now, it's about you, and you...still...can change everything.

Oh, we got a hugger.

Be careful. I have been told...it might explode.

Hey, everyone! Is everyone okay? Where's Lucy?

Well, things sure have a way of working out smoothly. Am I right, guys?

Oh man.

[At the Trailer Park]

Bubbles: We're going to have to play ourselves boys. I'm going have to be to be Bubbles in the movie.

Julian: These people are terrible.

Ricky: What if I want to be Bubbles?

Julian: You're going to play yourself. Think, okay. You're going to be Ricky.

Bubbles: Now you're being a dick right now. You do just that.

Lucy: Ricky, I don't love Sonny.

Ricky: I don't love him either. I think he's a fucking dick.

Ricky: Fuck this court. Fuck Jim Lahey. Fuck Randy. Fuck those two idiot cops right there. Fuck suit dummies; as a matter of fact fuck legal aid. Fuck Danny and Terry's Buffalo Chicken Wings. Fuck all the old wood in here. Fuck the moon, fuck corn on the cob, fuck squirrels. Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything!

Ricky: Fuck you, Lahey!

Ricky: I knew it. You're attracted to Julian.

Donny: I'm not attracted to Julian, I'm attracted to his-

[stops himself, clears throat]

Donny: I'm not attracted to Julian.

Ricky: You just gotta make sure the cops don't get your prescription, cause once they have your prescription, you're fucked!

Bubbles: [afer smelling a kitty that spent the night in ricky's car] Ricky! Smell him! He smells like cigarettes!

Ricky: [Smells kitty] Yeah he does smells like cigarettes a bit I guess.

Bubbles: Kitties aren't supposed to smell like cigareets, they're supposed to smell like kitties!

Ricky: Suck it Donny!

Donny: You suck it Ricky, MORE!

Ricky: What the fuck kind of comeback was that? You said the same thing thing that I said, but you just added 'more' to it.

Donny: No! More! You suck it more!

Ricky: You're a fuckin' dick!

Minister: We are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of two people, Richard and Lucy, who have decided to write their own vows.

Ricky: Thank you, your honor.

Ricky: Do you want to take it to Fucktown Lahey? Cause that's where this is headed: Downtown Fucktown!

Bubbles: No Mr. Lahey, PLEASE, we don't want to go to Fucktown!

Ricky: Can I please go to jail for a week to play hockey?

Ricky: [from trailer] What kind of English is that?

Bubbles: He's speaking Spanish Ricky.

Ricky: Boy here let's clear something up. Is it galapeno or halapeno?

Hispanic Auditionee: It's jalapeño.

Ricky: No, it's galapeno. Next.

Bubbles: Ricky, I think you might have hurt Corey and Trevor's feelings there!

Ricky: Bubbles, look at them. They're the stupidest fuck-giraffes in the dumb-dumb salad.

Bubbles: Fuck giraffes?


	4. Chapter 4 The First Signs of Trouble

[an alarm goes off]

Catwoman: What's that?

Cyborg: It's the "None of Your Damn Business" Alarm.

Batman: [First Lines] The nuke, where'd you get it?

The Joker: Why, you want one? Copy bat.

[as Batman grabs The Joker, Superman bursts into the Interrogation room]

Superman: Get away from him!

Batman: I'm handling this.

Superman: [Slowly approaches The Joker, pushes the table aside and pins The Joker to the wall] You drugged me! Made me... Lois... my son.

The Joker: First Krypton, now Metropolis. People you love tend to blow up, don't they?

[Superman raises his fist to The Joker]

Batman: Superman, don't!

[Superman Punches the wall right next to The Joker's head]

The Joker: That's why I like you, Superman. You are more gullible than...

[Looks towards Batman, then Superman tosses The Joker to the other wall]

The Joker: You think you can have a family. That locking me up would *magically* reform me, and they'll be safe.

[Sits back down]

The Joker: So big. So dumb. Now run along so I can break out of here. I got lots of planning to do to top this.

[Superman grabs The Joker by his neck]

Batman: That's enough!

[Walks towards Superman to stop what he's doing, but Superman pushes Batman aside]

The Joker: I know it's soon, but... think you'll ever love again? Maybe you won't kill your next family

[Superman's eyes glow and then punches The Joker in the stomach, killing him]

The Joker: Hi, gang. What'll we do now? Anyone up for pancakes?

Wonder Woman: Joker.

[She twists his arm]

The Joker: What? Ow! Why does she hate pancakes?

Green Arrow: [while fighting Nightwing] He took you in, trained you. Sure, he can be an uptight jerk, but you abandoned him for Superman?

Nightwing (II): [Knocks down Green Arrow] I'm not Dick Grayson.

Batman: [Coming in] This is Damian Wayne.

Green Arrow: Wayne?

Nightwing (II): His son.

[Batman pushes Nightwing aside]

Nightwing (II): But Superman's been more of a father than you ever were.

Batman: You stopped being my son when you killed Dick Grayson. *He* was my son.

[Defeating him in a fight]

Batman: You're dead to me.

Green Arrow: Grundy, say "Fire bad!"

Solomon Grundy: You're not funny!

Harley Quinn: [after fighting him] It's you. The way you move... The way you...

The Joker: Pummel?

Harley Quinn: Well... Yeah.

The Joker: It's the love. You could feel the love, right?

The Joker: [using a dead body as a puppet] Watch out, Joker, this one looks kinda tough.

The Joker: Really? I think you underestimate me.

Scorpion: You are no Sub-Zero!

Batman: I'm Batman.

The Joker: Smile!

Batman: I am smiling.

Killer Frost: Do you ever shut up?

Green Arrow: Every other Tuesday.

Batman: You push that button and eight million die.

The Joker: Eight million and two die. I was going to enjoy the fireworks from a safe distance, but now that you're here, what say we have one last dance.

The Joker: [after defeating Batman] Now, where was I before I was so rudely...

Harley Quinn: [Coming in] Pumped full o' lead?

The Joker: [Turns around and sees an alternate Harley Quinn] Harley?

Harley Quinn: Har*leen*. A little bird told me some creep was dressed up as The Joker, fighting a Batman wannabe. You got the look, and a lot of nerve. What you don't have is the right.

[Nudges The Joker]

Harley Quinn: The Joker was a hero, you're not fit to lick his boutonniere.

The Joker: Harley, it's me. I'm The Joker. Look. it says so right here on my underwear.

[Looks at his pants and Harleen fires a shot next to The Joker]

Harley Quinn: Not funny, creep. No one pretends to be my Mr. J.

Green Arrow: How's your sister, Hoar?

Killer Frost: You are SO dead!

The Joker: [setting the nuke] Let's see, baldy said remember to... Ah! There we are.

Harley Quinn: Mr. J, it works! Oh!

[she sees Batman coming]

Harley Quinn: Uh-oh.

The Joker: Harley, wait in the van. Batman and I have to talk.

Harley Quinn: But...

[he slaps her]

The Joker: Go. No one likes a third wheel.

Green Arrow: Shit!

[He fires an arrow, but Killer Frost freezes it]

Green Arrow: Killer Frost.

Killer Frost: Playtime, Grundy.

Solomon Grundy: Arrow Man!

Scorpion: Get over here!

Superman: For truth and justice!

Scorpion: There is no justice!

Green Lantern: Oppressing your home planet isn't enough, Sinestro?

Sinestro: The One Earth Government is similar to mine on Korugar. An alliance was logical. So for now, I tolerate humans. Even Hal Jordan.

Green Lantern: My Doppelganger *has* joined your side.

Green Lantern: As do all who wish to live.

Green Lantern: [after defeating Sinestro] I'm resisting arrest... again.

[Goes to Wonder Woman]

Wonder Woman: Hal.

Yellow Lantern: [Coming in] Someone call me?

Green Lantern: [Upon seeing his alternate self] You're Sinestro Corp.?

Yellow Lantern: Sinestro's right. Fear is more effective than willpower.

Green Lantern: So, you ditched green and went yellow: The color of cowardice.

[Uses his ring to attack his alternate self, but Yellow Lantern uses his own ring to deflect]

Yellow Lantern: I'm still about Order, like the Guardians.

[Attacks Wonder Woman and Green Lantern tries to attack Yellow Lantern]

Green Lantern: [Sarcastically] I'm sure they're very proud of you.

Yellow Lantern: Sanctimony is easy when you don't know what...

Green Lantern: [Interrupting] Save it. Time to kick my ass.

Deathstroke: [after defeating Killer Frost] Too easy. Your tactics are one-dimensional.

Raven: You cannot win.

Bane: You know nothing of strength!

Green Arrow: Grundy, say "Fire bad!"

Solomon Grundy: Fire is bad.

Cyborg: Booyah!

Deathstroke: Whatever history we have with our counterparts, you and I have none.

Cyborg: I downloaded your history. You tried to kill this world's Titans.

Deathstroke: Only a couple times.

Cyborg: Just don't expect any warm fuzzies from me.

Batman: Those eyes. Pure evil, just like his.

The Joker: Who, Superman? His buddies took Batman. My Batman. Our Batman.

Batman: Quiet, or I'll leave you for the police.

The Joker: Then why did you save me from them?

The Flash: Stop what you're doing!

Deathstroke: It's not what I'm doing... It's what I've done.

Raven: This is no game.

Batman: Overgrown gorilla.

Solomon Grundy: Me Grundy, not Grodd!

Superman: These duplicates... Do you think there's a Lois where they come from?

Lex Luthor: There was only one Lois.

Lex Luthor: You're interrupting tonight's entertainment, Raven

Raven: I detest violence, Luthor. But I'm even less fond of you.

Batman: The calm before the storm.

Aquaman: And here's the storm!

Batman: I know your moves!

Scorpion: As if it matters!

Batman: Wrong Move!

Lobo: I Never Move Wrong!

The Joker: Is it Bane or "Ba"ne?

Bane: Do not mock me!

Akuma

(vs. Ryu) "You will feel the pain of the Satsui no Hadou!"

(vs. Thor, Amaterasu or Shuma-Gorath) "It's always fun to kill a god."

(vs. Sentinel) "What is this, mockery!?"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "The Shun Goku Satsu will show you true penance!"

Arthur

(vs. Chris Redfield) "You, too, are looking for someone. Let's be quick about this then!"

(vs. Akuma) "You have the air...(sniff)...of a demon!"

(vs. Doctor Doom or Iron Man) "Ah! A knight of a foreign realm! Huzzah!"

(vs. all villains except Akuma, Doctor Doom & Firebrand) "I will not forsake my duties!"

(vs. Firebrand) "Ah, a tricky devil has appeared!"

Captain America

(vs. Zero) "Your name's Zero? Hope you don't fight like one."

(vs. M.O.D.O.K.) "There's only one way to deal with a maniac like you."

(vs. Nathan Spencer) "Metal parts don't make a man. It's what's inside that counts."

(vs. all villains except M.O.D.O.K. and Taskmaster) "Surrender is your only option."

(vs. Thor) "I never thought it would come to this, Avenger..."

(vs. Iron Man) "You think I'm going down to some pampered punk like you?"

(with any combination of Hawkeye, Thor, and/or Iron Man): "Avengers, assemble!"

(vs. Taskmaster) "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

(vs. Hawkeye) "You always wanted to prove you're better than me. Now here's your chance."

(vs. Frank West) "I hear you've covered wars. Pity you've never actually fought in one."

(vs. Strider Hiryu) "You remind me of Batroc the Leaper, which means you don't stand a chance."

Chris Redfield

(vs. Jill Valentine) "Something's come up. Gotta go."

(vs. Albert Wesker) "I found Wesker. I'm bringing him in."

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Found a new B.O.W. I'll take care of it."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "There's a, um...heavily-armed woodland creature."

Chun-Li

(vs. Ryu) "You never stop fighting, do you?"

(vs. all villains) "That's enough! Surrender now!'

(vs. She-Hulk) "Don't think you can win with power alone."

(vs. Iron Fist) "All right 'Iron Fist', let's see what you got."

Crimson Viper

(vs. Chun-Li) "It's an Interpol agent. Don't worry, I'll take care of her."

(vs. M.O.D.O.K.) "I found M.O.D.O.K., the leader of A.I.M...Understood."

(vs. Captain America) "Yeah...this one could be a problem."

(vs. Strider Hiryu) "Strider Hiryu?!"

Dante

(vs. Viewtiful Joe) "It's all right, Joe. We cool!"

(vs. Dormammu) "I'm not gonna pull my punches!"

(vs. female fighters except Trish and Amaterasu) "How come I never meet any nice girls?"

(vs. Trish) "Don't think I'm gonna go easy on ya!"

(vs. Vergil) "What a touching reunion. Right, brother?"

Deadpool

(vs. Wolverine) "Short and short on deodorant is a REAL bad combination, stabby."

(vs. Dante) "How did anyone ever enjoy these games without me in 'em?"

(vs. Magneto) "HAHAHA! Magneto! Welcome to die!"

(vs. any Street Fighter character) "Hey, I frickin' LOVE Street Fighter! ...Autograph your spleen for me?"

(vs. Spider-Man) "Gonna rough you up like a Broadway musical!"

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Hey hey! It's Doctor Normal. Well...normal compared to me anyway."

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "OBJECTION! Oh man, that is really fun to say!"

(Wearing CablePool costume) "And you thought Cable wasn't in this game..."

Doctor Doom

(vs. Crimson Viper) "You fight with primitive toys."

(vs. Amaterasu, Thor, or Shuma-Gorath) "It is Doom who should be worshipped!"

(vs. Dormammu) "This dimension is not big enough for the both of us!"

(vs. any Avenger except Thor) "Earth's Mightiest Heroes... Bah!"

(vs. the X-Men) "I'll make you wish you were facing Magneto!"

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "There is no other law but Doom's!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "I shall send you back to the Hellfire that spawned you, Blaze."

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Doom's mystic powers are more than a match for your own."

Doctor Strange

(vs. Hulk) "I imagine you're still upset about us shooting you into space..."

(vs. Dormammu) "Dormammu! Come forth!"

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "You know...you've always disgusted me."

(vs. Arthur) "No fairy tale can prepare you for a true sorcerer!"

(vs. Hsien-Ko) "Oh, and they call ME strange."

(vs. Firebrand) "I've battled Mephisto and Nightmare. You don't even rate."

(vs. female characters except Hsien-Ko) "I'm starting an all-female Defenders; what do you say?"

Dormammu

(vs. Thor) "Not even the power of Asgard can humble the Dread Dormammu."

(vs. Dante) "I shall strike you down, Demon Hunter."

(vs. Trish) "You DARE challenge me with magic?"

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Ancient One, what is thy will?"

(vs. any villain character [including himself] except Shuma-Gorath) "I have no use for you..."

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Concern for others is your greatest weakness, Strange."

(vs. Doctor Strange) (unused, but found in sound test) "Dr. Strange, let this be our final battle!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "Never again will you defy my influence, Blaze."

Dormammu

(vs. Thor) "Not even the power of Asgard can humble the Dread Dormammu."

(vs. Dante) "I shall strike you down, Demon Hunter."

(vs. Trish) "You DARE challenge me with magic?"

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Ancient One, what is thy will?"

(vs. any villain character [including himself] except Shuma-Gorath) "I have no use for you..."

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Concern for others is your greatest weakness, Strange."

(vs. Doctor Strange) (unused, but found in sound test) "Dr. Strange, let this be our final battle!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "Never again will you defy my influence, Blaze."

Felicia

(vs. Amaterasu) "Come here, puppy!"

(vs. X-23) "Wow! I love your claws."

(vs. Dormammu) "Hey! Your head's on fire!"

(vs. Frank West) "Ready for my close-up!"

Firebrand

(vs. Arthur, Amaterasu or Thor) "This could be fun...!"

Akuma

(vs. Ryu) "You will feel the pain of the Satsui no Hadou!"

(vs. Thor, Amaterasu or Shuma-Gorath) "It's always fun to kill a god."

(vs. Sentinel) "What is this, mockery!?"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "The Shun Goku Satsu will show you true penance!"

Arthur

(vs. Chris Redfield) "You, too, are looking for someone. Let's be quick about this then!"

(vs. Akuma) "You have the air...(sniff)...of a demon!"

(vs. Doctor Doom or Iron Man) "Ah! A knight of a foreign realm! Huzzah!"

(vs. all villains except Akuma, Doctor Doom & Firebrand) "I will not forsake my duties!"

(vs. Firebrand) "Ah, a tricky devil has appeared!"

Captain America

(vs. Zero) "Your name's Zero? Hope you don't fight like one."

(vs. M.O.D.O.K.) "There's only one way to deal with a maniac like you."

(vs. Nathan Spencer) "Metal parts don't make a man. It's what's inside that counts."

(vs. all villains except M.O.D.O.K. and Taskmaster) "Surrender is your only option."

(vs. Thor) "I never thought it would come to this, Avenger..."

(vs. Iron Man) "You think I'm going down to some pampered punk like you?"

(with any combination of Hawkeye, Thor, and/or Iron Man): "Avengers, assemble!"

(vs. Taskmaster) "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

(vs. Hawkeye) "You always wanted to prove you're better than me. Now here's your chance."

(vs. Frank West) "I hear you've covered wars. Pity you've never actually fought in one."

(vs. Strider Hiryu) "You remind me of Batroc the Leaper, which means you don't stand a chance."

Chris Redfield

(vs. Jill Valentine) "Something's come up. Gotta go."

(vs. Albert Wesker) "I found Wesker. I'm bringing him in."

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Found a new B.O.W. I'll take care of it."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "There's a, um...heavily-armed woodland creature."

Chun-Li

(vs. Ryu) "You never stop fighting, do you?"

(vs. all villains) "That's enough! Surrender now!'

(vs. She-Hulk) "Don't think you can win with power alone."

(vs. Iron Fist) "All right 'Iron Fist', let's see what you got."

Crimson Viper

(vs. Chun-Li) "It's an Interpol agent. Don't worry, I'll take care of her."

(vs. M.O.D.O.K.) "I found M.O.D.O.K., the leader of A.I.M...Understood."

(vs. Captain America) "Yeah...this one could be a problem."

(vs. Strider Hiryu) "Strider Hiryu?!"

Dante

(vs. Viewtiful Joe) "It's all right, Joe. We cool!"

(vs. Dormammu) "I'm not gonna pull my punches!"

(vs. female fighters except Trish and Amaterasu) "How come I never meet any nice girls?"

(vs. Trish) "Don't think I'm gonna go easy on ya!"

(vs. Vergil) "What a touching reunion. Right, brother?"

Deadpool

(vs. Wolverine) "Short and short on deodorant is a REAL bad combination, stabby."

(vs. Dante) "How did anyone ever enjoy these games without me in 'em?"

(vs. Magneto) "HAHAHA! Magneto! Welcome to die!"

(vs. any Street Fighter character) "Hey, I frickin' LOVE Street Fighter! ...Autograph your spleen for me?"

(vs. Spider-Man) "Gonna rough you up like a Broadway musical!"

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Hey hey! It's Doctor Normal. Well...normal compared to me anyway."

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "OBJECTION! Oh man, that is really fun to say!"

(Wearing CablePool costume) "And you thought Cable wasn't in this game..."

Doctor Doom

(vs. Crimson Viper) "You fight with primitive toys."

(vs. Amaterasu, Thor, or Shuma-Gorath) "It is Doom who should be worshipped!"

(vs. Dormammu) "This dimension is not big enough for the both of us!"

(vs. any Avenger except Thor) "Earth's Mightiest Heroes... Bah!"

(vs. the X-Men) "I'll make you wish you were facing Magneto!"

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "There is no other law but Doom's!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "I shall send you back to the Hellfire that spawned you, Blaze."

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Doom's mystic powers are more than a match for your own."

Doctor Strange

(vs. Hulk) "I imagine you're still upset about us shooting you into space..."

(vs. Dormammu) "Dormammu! Come forth!"

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "You know...you've always disgusted me."

(vs. Arthur) "No fairy tale can prepare you for a true sorcerer!"

(vs. Hsien-Ko) "Oh, and they call ME strange."

(vs. Firebrand) "I've battled Mephisto and Nightmare. You don't even rate."

(vs. female characters except Hsien-Ko) "I'm starting an all-female Defenders; what do you say?"

Dormammu

(vs. Thor) "Not even the power of Asgard can humble the Dread Dormammu."

(vs. Dante) "I shall strike you down, Demon Hunter."

(vs. Trish) "You DARE challenge me with magic?"

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Ancient One, what is thy will?"

(vs. any villain character [including himself] except Shuma-Gorath) "I have no use for you..."

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Concern for others is your greatest weakness, Strange."

(vs. Doctor Strange) (unused, but found in sound test) "Dr. Strange, let this be our final battle!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "Never again will you defy my influence, Blaze."

Felicia

(vs. Amaterasu) "Come here, puppy!"

(vs. X-23) "Wow! I love your claws."

(vs. Dormammu) "Hey! Your head's on fire!"

(vs. Frank West) "Ready for my close-up!"

Firebrand

(vs. Arthur, Amaterasu or Thor) "This could be fun...!"

Frank West

(vs. female characters including Amaterasu) (camera intro) "Oh, nice! Hold that pose!"

(vs. female characters including Amaterasu) (camera intro) "Looking good! Keep it up!"

(vs. female characters including Amaterasu) (camera intro) "Okay, one more shot."

(vs. Hulk) (camera intro) "Last one! Smile!"

(vs. Deadpool) (camera intro) "Take off that mask and let me get a shot of the real you!"

(vs. Spider-Man) (camera intro) "I'll show that Parker kid who's the better photographer!"

(vs. Nova) (zombie intro) "Don't just stand there and watch, help me out!"

Ghost Rider

(vs. Dante) "Fighting demons won't prepare you for what you face now."

(vs. Dormmamu) "One of our flames will be extinguished this day. Won't be mine."

(vs. Albert Wesker) "The darkness in your soul disgusts me."

(vs. Morrigan Aensland) "Your wiles won't work on me, succubus."

(vs. Trish) "I eat demons like Mundus for breakfast."

(vs. Phoenix Wright and She-Hulk) "Do you have any idea how many lawyers are in Hell?"

(vs. all villains except Albert Wesker, Vergil & Dormammu) "The day of judgment is upon you, scum."

Hawkeye

(vs. Captain America) "Them Cap's Kooky Quartet days are over, old man."

(vs. Taskmaster) "You're gonna try to out-archer me?! Good luck with that."

(vs. Iron Man) "You underestimated me from day one. Big mistake."

(vs. Zero) "An angry space midget with a sword? Yeah, I've been at this too long."

(vs. Crimson Viper) "Take it up with Fury if S.H.I.E.L.D. rejected your application. Not me."

(vs. Frank West) "Lights, camera, asskicking."

(vs. female characters except She-Hulk, Crimson Viper & Amaterasu) "Sorry, I'm married. Can't blame you for wanting me, though."

(vs. She-Hulk) "You remember when we used to be friends, Jen? Yeah, neither do I."

Hsien-Ko

(vs. herself) "Huh, didn't know we were quadruplets."

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Ugh, I don't even wanna touch that."

(vs. Taskmaster) "I can tell this one likes weapons, too."

(vs. Nemesis) "Whoa... Man, your face is scary!"

Hulk

(vs. Mike Haggar) "You look strong, BUT HULK STRONGEST THERE IS!"

(vs. Wolverine) "Hulk break your claws this time, little man!"

(vs. Iron Man) "HULK WILL BREAK METAL MAN OPEN LIKE A TIN CAN!"

(vs. She-Hulk) "Hulk no like fighting girls."

(vs. Nemesis) "HULK SMASH MONSTER MAN!"

(vs. Doctor Strange) "DUMB MAGICIAN ONCE FRIENDS WITH HULK - BUT NOW HULK SMASH!"

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "Puny man not Phoenix! Phoenix a bird lady. Hulk confused."

(vs. Nova) "HULK FIGHT HUMAN ROCKET? HULK NOT LIKE ROCKETS!"

Iron Fist

(vs. Ryu) "Come on, let's see what you've got."

(vs. Arthur) "My Iron Fist will shred that armor like paper."

(vs. Chun-Li) "Daughters of the Dragon called. They want their everything back."

(vs. Akuma) "I look forward to fighting a real warrior."

(vs. Vergil) "A dragon will always beat a demon-spawn, boy."

(vs. Iron Man) "Technology is no substitute for skill."

Iron Man

(vs. Nathan Spencer) "Just the arm? What...? Can't afford the rest of the suit?"

(vs. Hulk) "Probably could use that Hulk-buster armor right about now."

(vs. any female except Amaterasu) "So, you doing anything after this?"

(vs. M.O.D.O.K. or Doctor Doom) "Let's see who really has the better toys, shall we?"

(vs. Captain America) "This armor knows your next move before you do, Steve."

(with any combination of Hawkeye, Thor, and/or Captain America) "Avengers, assemble!"

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "If I win, you're gonna call off that lawsuit against Stark Industries. Deal?"

(vs. Hawkeye) "You were a two-bit punk when we first met. You're a two-bit punk now."

(vs. Nova) "Nova Force power versus Stark tech, huh? Bring it, flyboy!"

(Wearing Iron Patriot costume) "I can still smell Norman Osborn's hairgel."

Jill Valentine

(vs. Chris Redfield) "A-All enemies...will be destroyed!"

(vs. Albert Wesker) "Ready for training."

(vs. M.O.D.O.K or Doctor Doom) "Target acquired."

(vs. the X-Men, Magneto & Deadpool) "Ready to seize mutant target."

(vs. Nemesis) "Nemesis has been spotted."

Magneto

(vs. She-Hulk) "The time of Homo Superior has come!"

(vs. Sentinel) "Mutant-hunting abomination!"

(vs. any X-Men except Wolverine) "I grow weary of these encounters."

(vs. Wolverine) "How foolish for a man with metal bones to face me."

(vs. Wesker) "Mutants are born, not created."

(vs. Ghost Rider) "You claim to protect innocent humans. Quite the oxymoron."

(vs. Vergil) "Your appearance reminds me of my son. Let's see if you boast his speed in battle."

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "You offer to 'defend' me? Most offensive, human..."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Your form is most curious, mutant."

Mike Haggar

(vs. Hulk) "Don't worry. I'm more than a challenge for you."

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Doesn't look like an arm lock's gonna work on you... Whoa!"

(vs. Hawkeye) "Arrows, guns, whatever - bring it on!"

M.O.D.O.K.

(vs. Captain America) "The ultimate battle of brains versus brawn!"

(vs. Arthur) "Hmm... A little creature with a surprisingly big head..."

(vs. Galactus) "Now I can add killing a god to my résumé."

(vs. Nemesis) "I've had experiments like you. I call them failures!"

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "Laws? M.O.D.O.K. is above the law!"

(vs. Iron Fist) "Your chi can never compare to the powers of science!"

(vs. Doctor Strange) "I will prove once again that science prevails over magic!"

(vs. Nova) "I look forward to taking your Worldmind after I kill you."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "You're cute. Time to die!"

(vs. Frank West) "Your pain will fuel my experiments!"

Morrigan Aensland

(vs. Tron Bonne or X-23) "Aren't you just the cutest!"

(vs. Magneto) "Allow me to help release your hate."

(vs. Phoenix) "You need to strip off those prosaic morals."

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "Don't be so stiff. Let's have some fun."

Nathan "RAD" Spencer

(vs. Felicia) "I'll wipe that smile off your face."

(vs. Chris Redfield) "Is that it? You're seriously outgunned."

(vs. Iron Man) "How much of that suit is bionic?"

(vs. Spider-Man) "You don't know nothing about swinging!"

(vs. Captain America) "I really didn't think it'd come to this."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "I think you've seen combat before..."

Nemesis

(vs. Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine) "S.T.A.R.S..."

Nova

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Sorry, but there's no way I'm losing to an extra from Bambi."

(vs. Super-Skrull) "Act like jerks. Your planet gets eaten. It's called karma, dude."

(vs. Captain America) "Earth's Mightiest Heroes, huh? How limited."

(vs. Mike Haggar) "Geez...steroids much?"

(vs. Viewtiful Joe) "Really? I mean...REALLY?!"

(vs. Strider Hiryu) "Cute little ninja tricks versus Nova Corps? Come on now."

Phoenix

(vs. Morrigan Aensland) "Are you sure you're not with the Hellfire Club?"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "Part of me feels I deserve your punishment. Just part, though".

(vs. Wolverine) "How I wish this wasn't you, Logan."

(vs. Chun-Li) "You're about to deal with forces you can't possibly comprehend."

(vs. Akuma) "There's darkness in you. And I know darkness."

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "Not even you could defend the actions of Dark Phoenix..."

(vs. Vergil) "Now you're REALLY playing with fire, boy."

Phoenix Wright

(vs. She-Hulk) "Ms. Walters. Your witness!"

(vs. all villains except Firebrand) "Give up your life of crime!"

(vs. Firebrand) "Man or demon, all are equal under the law!"

Rocket Raccoon

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Space raccoon versus demon squid. Yeah, this isn't weird or anything."

(vs. Deadpool) "Again...that wasn't me going through your garbage cans last night."

(vs. Albert Wesker) "So what's this I hear about a place called 'Raccoon City'?"

(vs. Chris Redfield) "You've fought zombies, mutants, tyrants... But nothing's prepared you for...a RACCOON."

(vs. Nathan Spencer) "Military tactical genius meets military screw up. You do the math."

(vs. Nemesis) "You sort of remind me of The Hulk. Only much stupider."

(vs. Hulk) "You called me 'puny' once, Jade Jaws. Didn't much care for that."

Ryu

(vs. Chun-Li) "Nice form. Now, let's go!"

(vs. Spider-Man) "Spiders. I hate spiders."

(vs. Akuma) "I will surpass...the Satsui no Hado!"

(vs. Wolverine) "Interesting... You fight like a wild animal!"

(vs. Iron Fist) "Master of the Iron Fist? Show me!"

Sentinel

(vs. Akuma or Shuma-Gorath) "UNKNOWN ENTITY. PROCEEDING WITH EXTREME CAUTION."

(vs. Zero or Tron Bonne) "UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT FOUND. ENTERING COMBAT MODE."

(vs. the X-Men, Deadpool, or Magneto) "MUTANT ENTITY DETECTED."

(vs. Firebrand) "Query: Is subject a mutant? ANALYZING. ANALYZING. ANALYZING."

(vs. Nova) "Is subject Richard Rider a mutant? ANALYZING..."

She-Hulk

(vs. Hulk) "You know what they say: The female is the deadlier of the species."

(vs. Mike Haggar) "Consider yourself impeached."

(vs. Chun-Li) "Honey, just turn around and leave before you get hurt."

(vs. Hawkeye) "Fighting me? You were always headstrong, Clint. Didn't think you were stupid, too."

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "Soon the defense will rest...her fist upon your face."

(vs. Deadpool) "I can break the 4th Wall too, you know!"

Shuma-Gorath

(vs. Hsien-Ko) "A living corpse! How quaint!"

(vs. Vergil) "I'll eviscerate you, half-breed!

(vs. Ghost Rider) "I assure you, demon-hunter, you have NEVER faced my like before!"

(vs. Mike Haggar) "You govern...but without any REAL power!"

(vs. Dormammu) "You could not hope to defeat me, hellspawn!"

(vs. himself) "What a handsome devil you are!"

Spider-Man

(vs. Viewtiful Joe) "Awww. Ain't you just the cutest wittle thing."

(vs. Ryu) "You got a black belt in stupid if you think you're gonna beat me."

(vs. Taskmaster) "Huh...You kiss your mother with that face? Jeez."

(vs. Wesker) "My slimeball sense is tingling."

(vs. Firebrand) "So... any relation to JJ?"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "If it's souls you're looking for, there's a guy named J. Jonah I'd like you to meet..."

(vs. Doctor Strange) "Time for a butt-whooping supreme!"

Storm

(vs. Jill Valentine) "Now you encounter REAL power."

(vs. any X-Men) "There is a reason I lead the X-Men."

(vs. Magneto) "Will you never learn, Erik?"

(vs. Firebrand) "I've defeated N'garai demons before. And I'll defeat you."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Guns and knives can only do so much against a force of nature."

(vs. Nemesis) "A monstrosity such as yourself insults the very laws of nature!"

Strider Hiryu

(vs. Taskmaster or Hsien-Ko) "Prepare yourself, to meet Cypher's edge."

(vs. Crimson Viper) "Something I don't like about you..."

(vs. Ghost Rider) "I am the hunter. You are the prey."

Super-Skrull

(vs. Chris Redfield) "You should stick to fighting zombies!"

(vs. himself) "Enemies of the Empire shall be executed!"

(vs. Ryu) "You are the pinnacle of human perfection, which means nothing to me!"

(vs. Nova) "Once we stood as allies. But today you will be annihilated!"

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Guardians of the Galaxy? Prepare to guard yourself..."

(vs. Strider Hiryu) "A human martial artist. How quaint."

Taskmaster

(vs. Captain America) "Long time no see, Cap!"

(vs. Ryu, Akuma, or Tron Bonne) "I do this for cash, not for the thrills."

(vs. Hsien-Ko) "Ooh, hidden weapons. This'll be fun."

(vs. Iron Man) "I could use that armor in my classes."

(vs. Spider-Man) "Hey there, slick! We meet again."

(vs. Hawkeye) "Don't take it personally when I bullseye an arrow through your skull."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Hmph. Any money in pest control? Guess we're about to find out."

Thor Odinson

(vs. Amaterasu) "'Tis fitting that two gods meet in battle thusly!"

(vs. Hulk & any Avenger except Captain America) "Surely, wicked Loki is behind such an encounter!"

(vs. Captain America) "Because of my respect for thee, I shall end this quickly."

(vs. Shuma-Gorath) "Midgard shall now be rid of your stench, foul creature!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "We once allied our forces as allies, demon-spawn. Today, we meet in battle!"

(vs. Vergil) "I sympathize with Dante. I, too, know what it's like to have a wicked brother."

Trish

(vs. Dante) "I'll try not to leave visible marks."

(vs. Thor) "So you're the God of Thunder. Really?"

(vs. Wesker) "What kind of magic trick are you gonna show me?"

(vs. Vergil) "I thought a twin of Dante would be more...fun?"

Tron Bonne

(vs. Ryu or Akuma) "Ugh, I smell the stink of poverty on you!"

(vs. Iron Man, Doctor Doom, Sentinel, or Zero) "I found me some new robot parts!"

(vs. Chun-Li) "Please. I'm not dumb enough to be caught by the cops!"

(vs. Phoenix Wright) "Uh-oh... Am I being sued?"

Vergil

(vs. Dante) "Sorry I was late for the party."

(vs. Trish) "How repulsive."

(vs. Ghost Rider) "You? Judge me? Hmph."

Viewtiful Joe

(vs. any Marvel hero character except Nova) "Whoa! You're a real hero? For real?"

(vs. Dante) "It's stylish versus viewtiful! OK then!"

(vs. any Marvel villain character) "You will stop your evil ways! ...Did I say that right?"

(vs. Nova) "Whoa! Nova! Can I have your autograph?"

Wesker

(vs. Chris Redfield) "It's time...to close the book on us."

(vs. Jill Valentine) "Let's see how good you really are."

(vs. Amaterasu, Thor, or Shuma-Gorath) "I am the only god."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Looks like I've found a new guinea pig... Interesting..."

Wolverine

(vs. Ryu) "Let's see those karate moves, kid."

(vs. Phoenix) "It doesn't have to be like this!"

(vs. Hulk) "This time we ain't ending in a draw."

(vs. Sentinel) "Yo, bucket head! Let's have some fun."

(vs. Magneto) "Sorry, Erik, you just ain't gonna win this."

(vs. X-23) "No need to hold back, Laura."

(with a team of Hero X-Men characters) "C'mon, X-Men! We got work to do!"

(vs. Ghost Rider) "You really think your Hellfire's gonna scare the guy who beat the devil?"

(vs. Nova) "You're gonna need that bucket to carry around your severed head."

(vs. Frank West) "Me and guys named Frank don't get along so well..."

X-23

(vs. Dante or Zero) "Enjoy those looks while ya still got 'em."

(vs. Felicia) "There's more than one way to skin a cat."

(vs. Wolverine) "Time to see if the student's become the master."

(vs. Sentinel) "Consider me a trash compactor!"

(vs. all villains except Sentinel & Nemesis) "I'm the second best at what I do."

(vs. Nemesis) "I was gonna carve up your face, but it looks like someone beat me to it."

(vs. Iron Fist) "A lot of good that Iron Fist's gonna do you after I cut it off."

(vs. Rocket Raccoon) "Claws versus paws, huh? ...Claws win."

Zero

(vs. himself) "Another souless copy."

(vs. Sentinel) "Found a Maverick. I'll take care of it!"

(vs. Captain America) "Stop lecturing and show me what you got!"

(vs. Frank West) "A civilian? What are you doing here?"


	5. Chapter 5 Back to Work!

Jack Gallo: Our meetings have been a disorganized mess lately. So last night I wrote down ideas on how to improve them.

Dennis Finch: Let me see. All it says here is the word "Ideas" and drawings of fighter planes blowing up Godzilla.

Jack Gallo: Not bad, eh?

Nina Van Horn: Sorry I'm late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Dennis Finch: Oh, did Dorothy's house fall on you?

Nina Van Horn: Back off, Munchkin.

Jack Gallo: Will everyone please focus?

Dennis Finch: Jack, your new Slushie machine is here.

Jack Gallo: Meeting adjourned.

Nina Van Horn: Dennis, is it worth cutting off a toe to fit into a really great pair of shoes?

Dennis Finch: They make your legs look great.

Nina Van Horn: Good bye, little piggy.

Nina Van Horn: Oh, my God! Carol Flankenship. Where can I hide?

Dennis Finch: Quick, behind this pencil.

Maya Gallo: Get me a meeting with him. Today, if possible.

Dennis Finch: That's not my job.

Maya Gallo: What is your job?

Dennis Finch: No one knows.

Kurt: What kind of freak writes this?

Dennis Finch: He's kind of a loner. Rides from town to town on a Harley. Running from a crime he didn't commit, but taking time out to keep the ladies happy.

Kurt: It's you, isn't it?

Dennis Finch: Yes.

Dennis Finch: You think I asked for this talent? I'ts a curse. You think Peter Parker wanted to be bitten by that radioactive spider?

Kurt: No.

Dennis Finch: That's right. But being a superhero, he did his duty. And by the way, that guy wore spandex, which is way gayer than anything I'm doing.

Dennis Finch: Thank God you could make it.

Kurt: Make it fast. I'm getting ready for a deposition.

Dennis Finch: Calm down, you're not a real lawyer, you're a professional victim.

Kurt: I have three days to nail down the symptoms of rabies. I won't get a nickel unless I'm foaming like the Jersey shore.

Kurt: Finch, you suck.

Dennis Finch: You suck.

Kurt: Well, guess what? My sister called and she said you have hands like a girl.

Dennis Finch: Yeah, well, she has boobs like a boy.

Dennis Finch: If word of this got around where I work, the teasing will not stop, and believe me, I have it coming.

[On some sort of Battlecruiser in a zero G. space environment location unclear]

TOM 1.0: So, it's a brand-new Toonami, but the mission objectives remain the same. My name is TOM. I'm the new Moltar. Welcome aboard the Ghost Planet spaceship Absolution, Cartoon Network's first and only interstellar broadcast and exploration vehicle. I'll give you the tour later. From this day forward she is completely responsible for all Toonami transmissions. I'm taking you guys into the new millennium. Not much is changing now—same shows, same attitude, new place to do it, new guy to do it with. I'm not going to waste any more time, let's get back into it. Later.

[back at the office]

Michael: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who's going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.

Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"

Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.

Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...

Michael: That's what she said!

Michael: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's not really a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Dwight: [to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?

Toby: [talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm... sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Dwight: I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And yes, I've heard "women and children first". But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace by law. So if I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?

Dwight: I'm a Sith lord!

Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.

Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.

Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

Dwight: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections... there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [sighs] He is very real.

Phyllis: Everyone, this is my boyfriend Bob.

Kevin: Kevin Malone.

Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Stanley: Stanley Hudson.

Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Ryan: Ryan Howard.

Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

[pause]

Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael: Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Michael: Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anyone.

Michael: You know what Brenda, could we have a moment alone?

Brenda: Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no.

Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

Michael: *throws up in barf bag* I'm on medication.

Brenda: Really? What?

Michael: Vomicillin.

Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon—sue me—and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Michael: [calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.

Pam: Tell me before I come there.

Michael: [Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.

Pam: No.

Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

[Jim and Michael are driving a concussed Dwight to the hospital in Meredith's van. Dwight is opening a bottle of whisky]

Michael: Dwight, what're you doing

Dwight: I found it under the seat.

Jim: Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!

Dwight: I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!

Jim: Give the bottle to Michael.

Dwight: No. I'm thirsty.

Michael: Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.

Dwight: You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

Michael: Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]

Dwight: No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]

[On the Battlecruiser]

TOM 1.0: There's no substitute for guts, I'm talking about gumption, bravery, courage. Courage means having the strength to resist opposition, danger or hardship. It can be a lot of things. Sticking by your friends can take courage. Being yourself takes courage. Think of many of your favorite heroes they have courage in spades. Even some of the bad guys have it, but most don't. Size isn't a factor neither is strength. It can't be measured except in actions so you gotta let your actions speak for you. Take it easy for now, store up that courage you never know when you're going to need it

[MEANWHILE Back on Earth]

Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?

Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.

April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Ben: Hey.

Leslie: Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?

April: What do you mean?

Leslie: How does this work?

April: Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

Derek: It's not that complicated.

Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.

[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him to the hospital. April enters.]

April: Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?

Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.

Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Leslie: You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change it for...obvious reasons.

Leslie: I was uh, dropping my niece off.

Ann: What's your niece's name?

Leslie: Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece... my niece's name is Stephanie?

Jerry: Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.

Mark: That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.

Donna: Oh snap!

Jerry: What?

Mark: You didn't know that, huh?

Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted...

Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.

Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.

[cut to Leslie being interviewed]

Leslie: Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

Greg: Are you crying?

Andy: I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!

Leslie: Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.

Ann: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.

Leslie: In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.

Ron: We didn't talk. We made love.

Leslie: Oh my. Mm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—

Ron: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?

Leslie: Yeah...

Ron: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have... that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

Leslie: This seems like a private matter, but I'm—

Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis.

erry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—

Tom: You said "murinal!"

[Everyone laughs]

Jerry: No, I didn't.

Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry: Anyway, she—

April: Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom: Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated]

Jerry: ...Just wanted to show you my art...

Everyone: Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie: Disqualified!

[cut to Jerry being interviewed]

Jerry: It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—

Tom: [from other room] No one cares! At all!

Leslie: Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision: we're playing it safe.

[On the Battlecruiser]

TOM 1.0:We've all been angry before. Some of us let it go, some don't. There's nothing wrong with being angry, it's all in how you deal with it. Anger can be a motivational tool, Rage can hold you back. Vegeta is a perfect example of a rageaholic; he can't let go, so he stays angry for a long time. Piccolo handles his anger, it helps him focus; that's what makes him so dangerous. The key is to not let your anger fester. You have to turn it into something positive, otherwise you'll never learn from your mistakes and be angry forever. Later...

[In Canada]

Julian: Ricky, I'm telling you, you gotta stop growing pot.

Ricky: Come on, man, you can't tell me to do that.

Julian: I'm serious Ricky.

Ricky: You can't tell me to do that. It's like telling the NWA to stop being black.

Ricky: Get two birds stoned at once.

Ricky: [to Trevor almost everytime he sees him] Smokes, let's go.

Ricky: Make like a tree and fuck off.

Ricky: [to Randy] Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian: [pronouncing Jalapeño correctly] Yeah, pick me up a bag of Jalapeño chips.

Ricky: Jalapeño? What flavor is that?

Julian: Ricky, the J is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles: The J is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno", not "ja-lap-ano".

Ricky: [confused] What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Bubbles: "Hal-a-peeno". That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Mr. Lahey: Why don't you get a life Rick? Why don't ya go to community college like Julian here. Hey, I got a good idea. You could teach, livin' in a car and growin' dope 101.

Ricky: Hehe. And you can teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force become a... lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fuckin' idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good... 101.

Sarah: No, J-Roc's not crazy. He just genuinely believes he's black.

Ricky: I'd say we got about a ten per cent chance of gettin' out of this one boys.

Officer George Green: [from out the window] Attention, this is the police. Come out with your hands up...

Ricky: Is that George Green?

Bubbles: That's definitely George Green.

Ricky: Wicked. Okay, forget what I said, our chances just went up to about ninety five per cent.

[Back on the Battlecruiser]

TOM 1.0: "Have you ever worked with anything... high-tech?"

[In New York]

Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it…? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

Jerry: Right.

George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.

Jerry: Lip area.

George: You know, a hug: definitely good.

Jerry: Hug is definitely good.

George: Sure.

Jerry: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

George: That's so brutal, I hate that.

Jerry: You know how they do that?

George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad.

Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

George: Hand sandwich.

Jerry: Right.

George: I see. Well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.


	6. C6 Anew Threat Arises Withinthee Hour

TOM 2.0: "So I got this game for the PS2. It's called Dropship. The setup is: it's the future. You're part of a multinational anti-terrorist peace force, and you pilot dropships and fighters on seek-and-destroy missions, to ground forces, blah blah blah. Doesn't look too sharp, but it plays okay. Now, here's the problem: I can't get beyond the sixth level. It's driving me nuts! I've played it, like, nine thousand times and I can't-*ughh*... I mean, it's only the sixth level! I wanted to review the whole game, but... ugh... whatever. I don't even know what rating to give this game. I'll get back to you, if I ever beat it. Maybe one of you guys can do it."

THE HOOD: My name is Oliver Queen. For five years, I was stranded on an island with only one goal: survive. Now I will fulfill my father's dying wish - to use the list of names he left me and bring down those who are poisoning my city. To do this, I must become someone else. I must become something else.

Dr. Neil Lamb: [to Moira] The Oliver you lost might not be the one they found.

Laurel Lance: Why are you here, Ollie?

Oliver Queen: To apologize. It was my fault. I want to ask you not to blame her.

Laurel: For what? Falling under your spell? How could I possibly blame her for doing the same thing I did?

Oliver: I never meant...

Laurel: She was my sister. I couldn't be angry because she was dead. I couldn't grieve because I was angry... That's what happens when your sister dies while screwing your boyfriend... We buried an empty coffin.. because her body was at the bottom of the ocean where you left her...it should have been you.

Oliver: I know it is too late to say this but I am sorry.

Laurel: Yeah, I am sorry, too. I had hoped you'd rot in hell a lot longer than five years.

Tommy: By my rough estimate, you have no had sex in 1839 days, as your wingman I highly recommend Carmen Golden.

Oliver: Which one is she?

Tommy: The one that looks like the chick from Twilight.

Oliver: What's Twilight?

Tommy: You're so better off not knowing.

Oliver: Laurel, you always saw the best in me. Right now, that's what your'e doing, looking at me and you wondering if that island changed me somehow, if it made me a better person, It didn't. Stay away from me, otherwise I am just gonna hurt you again, but this time it will be worse.

Laurel: You know what, Oliver. You are wrong, that island did change you, at least now you are honest.

Oliver: [Voiceover] She says the island changed me. She has no idea how much. There are many more names on the list. Those who rule my city through intimidation and fear. Every last one of them will wish I had died on that island.

[repeated line]

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Jack Bauer: The only reason that you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you.

Ramon Salazar: [about Jack Bauer] That man has more lives than a cat.

George Mason: Believe it or not, I used to want to be a teacher. A long time ago. You know why I didn't? DOD offered me more money. That's how I made my decision. So I made myself miserable. And I made everybody else around me miserable. For an extra five thousand dollars a year. That was my price.

Michelle Dessler: I'm sorry.

George Mason: You know, Michelle, I'm not a big advice giver, but under the circumstances... Don't wait around for your life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy, and do it. Because everything else is all just background noise.

Nina Myers: He is gonna put a bullet in my head before I can say hello, and then he'll turn the gun on himself.

Jack Bauer: We'll make sure he doesn't turn the gun on himself.

[On the Battlecruiser]

TOM 2.0:"Uh huh... what's going on here? Well, they are kinda cute."

[Back on Earth]

Jack Gallo: Our next issue is one article short. I need new ideas.

Dennis Finch: How about a feature on America's most voluptuous prisoners? Felons with melons.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, for the eightieth time, stop pitching that.

Nina Van Horn: I should be in that retrospective. I mean, when you think of famous models in the seventies, you think of Nina Van Horn.

Dennis Finch: No, when they think of models in their seventies, they think of Nina Van Horn.

Nina Van Horn: Finch, I promise you, when they drop, your voice will change.

Jack Gallo: It's just that when you model, you can be... how can I put it delicately?

Dennis Finch: A pain in the ass?

Jack Gallo: Dennis, please!

Dennis Finch: A huge pain in the ass?

Jack Gallo: That's it.

Maya Gallo: What are you most passionate about?

Dennis Finch: You know... cats, Britney Spears, porcelain figurines... just typical guy stuff.

Dennis Finch: Write me a new poem.

Maya Gallo: No.

Dennis Finch: I'll be humiliated.

Maya Gallo: No.

Dennis Finch: I have one month to live.

Maya Gallo: No.

Dennis Finch: I'm one-sixteenth Cherokee, and you owe it to my people.

Maya Gallo: No!

Jack Gallo: Dennis, who's the fourth Monkee?

Dennis Finch: Peter Tork.

Jack Gallo: Thanks. That kept me up all night.

Nina Van Horn: Now, you may have heard about how I drink during shoots.

Vicki Costa: Don't worry. I don't listen to rumors.

Nina Van Horn: No, I mean I'm going to need a blender on the set.

Vicki Costa: I can't believe I'm working with Nina Van Horn.

Elliot DiMauro: Easy for you to say. I'm the one she's going to make fun of all through the shoot.

Nina Van Horn: Good morning, everyone! Isn't it a beautiful day? The sun is shining...

Elliot DiMauro: I know, like my big, bald head. I get it.

Nina Van Horn: Here, I bought you a croissant.

Elliot DiMauro: Oh, because I'm flaky and pretentious? Let's all laugh at Elliot DiMauro! Ha, ha, ha!

Jack Gallo: You know, Dennis, you're a lot smarter than I give you credit for.

Dennis Finch: Thanks. I have an idea for the December issue. Santa's bustiest helpers. Elves with shelves.

Jack Gallo: I'll think about it.

Nina Van Horn: Stop! I can't do it.

Elliot DiMauro: Why not?

Nina Van Horn: This fruit is cold.

Elliot DiMauro: Fruit is supposed to be cold. Who eats hot fruit?

Nina Van Horn: I'm not going to eat it. I just don't like looking at cold fruit. It freaks me out!

[On the Battlecruiser]

TOM 2.0: "And of course, coins, coins, coins. I've seen coins in my sleep."

[On Earth]

[To Julian]

Ricky: I don't do as much coke as you do. We're not on the same wavelength.

[To Cory and Trevor]

Ricky: Knock knock, boys?

Cory: What?

Ricky: Knock knock.

Cory: Who's there?

Ricky: Two fucking dumb idiots that drive a big piece of shit from the trailer park that don't know when to come buy fucking dope. Now get the fuck out of here!

Ricky: B and E? That's Grade 10 shit and I'm sick of it.

[To officers investigating the disturbance]

Patrick Lewis: Officers, these guys, they're trying to kill my dog.

Ricky: This man is drunk and he is soliciting us for prostitution.

[Off Camera voice]

Young kid: Hey, Reveen!

[To Julian]

Ricky: Do I fuckin' look like Reveen?

[To Young Kid]

Ricky: Come on down here, ya little bastard, I'll fuckin' 'Reveen' ya.

Ricky: Apparently people think I look like this man they call Reveen. I don't even know who the fuck Reveen is. Apparently he's this ventriloquist or psychic or some guy and I look like him. Which is kinda cool people think I look like a famous person. And that's kinda neat, I guess, but I don't like all these little fuckers running around calling me Reveen.

Static Noise

Cory: Reveen...

[Trevor laughs]

Cory: I- I mean I call him Reveen too, but he calls me dick. So I'm justified.

Trevor: I'd rather be called a dick than Reveen.

[Chastising Ricky into not fighting an Off Camera Heckler for calling him Reveen]

Julian: No, this is a problem at home that has nothing to do with me. You've got a lot of anger built up inside of you.

[Off Camera to Julian ]

Heckler: Hey Patrick Swayze!

Ricky: See how does that feel?

Julian: All right-

Ricky: How the fuck does that feel?

Julian: Yeah, that's a bad one. Don't worry about it-

Heckler: It's Patrick Swayze and Reveen!

Julian: Did they just call me Patrick Swayze?

Ricky: Yeah they did.

[Three second pause]

Heckler: It's fucking Patrick Swayze and Reveen!

Ricky: You little fuckers.

Heckler: Hey, 'Dirty Dancing'!

[On the Battlecruiser]

TOM 3.0:"He's got ninety-nine problems, and these bitches are the main ones."

[On Earth]

Nina Myers: You're lying.

Jack Bauer: Yes I am. But you're still going to have to trust me.

Jack Bauer: [to George Mason] Why don't you explain it to me. You've got five seconds.

[prepares to press *enter* button on laptop]

George Mason: You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Jack Bauer: Why don't you explain it to me. You've got five seconds.

[prepares to press *enter* button on laptop]

Jack Bauer: My name is Jack Bauer, and this is the longest day of my life.

Jack Bauer: I was thinking we should try to remember what it was like when we were kids.

Teri Bauer: It's a different world now, Jack.

Jack Bauer: Yeah, I know.

Jack Bauer: Tony. I need detailed background on everyone on Senator Palmer's staff now.

Tony Almeida: Why?

Jack Bauer: Because I think this is about him and I want us to be prepared.

Tony Almeida: If it leaks out that we're screening Senator Palmer, people might think it's because he's black.

Jack Bauer: Well, it is because he's black. It makes him the most likely target.

Richard Walsh: How are you doing?

Jack Bauer: I can't complain.

Richard Walsh: Can't or won't?

Jack Bauer: George. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call your boss so I can get clearance on the identification of the source.

George Mason: I thought we just agreed that it didn't matter.

Jack Bauer: Yeah, but I still have to call Walsh and tell him I did everything I could. I would like to cover my own ass.

George Mason: Jack, you're finally learning how to play the game.

Laurel: I'm a lawyer. I live to argue.

Quentin Lance: I'm your father. I live to keep you safe.

Laurel: How am I supposed to stay away from you if you won't stay away from me?

Oliver: I...

Laurel: What are you doing here, Oli?

Oliver: My sister took...she put it out to me that I have been distant since I got back and that it would probably be a good idea if I let somebody in.

Laurel: So, you thought to start with the first person you pushed away?!

Oliver: I did that to protect you, and I saw you yesterday and I realized that I hurt you.

Oliver: My mother wants me to join the company. Yeah, take my rightful place.

Laurel: I can't exactly picture you as master of the universe.

Laurel: I thought I didn't need police protection any more.

Quentin: I thought I didn't need a reason to see my own daughter.

Oliver: [speaking to his father's tombstone] I didn't know how painful it would be to keep my secrets. You asked me to save the city, to right the wrong. I will, I swear, but to do that, I can't be the Oliver that everyone wants me to be, which means that sometimes...to honor your wishes, I need to dishonor your memory.

TOM 3.5: "Ever get blamed for your classmates getting murdered? Now you know how Ganta feels."

[In Earth's Timeline]

Ten years ago, the machines who rule the future sent an unstoppable Terminator to assassinate the yet unborn John Connor. They failed. In 1991, the machines will try again.

Sarah Connor:Three billion human lives ended on August 29, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the Machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human Resistance, John Connor, my son. The first Terminator was programmed to strike at me, in the year 1984, before John was born. It failed. The second was sent to strike at John himself, when he was still a child. As before, the Resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for John. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.

John: Now don't take this the wrong way, but you are a Terminator, right?

Terminator: Yes. Cyberdyne Systems Model 101.

John: [pokes at one of Terminator's bullet wounds] Holy shit! You're really real! I mean, you're like a machine underneath, right? But sort of alive outside?

Terminator: I'm a cybernetic organism. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.

John: This is intense. Get a grip, John. Okay, um, you're not here to kill me. I figured that part out for myself. So what's the deal?

Terminator: My mission is to protect you.

John: Yeah? Who sent you?

Terminator: You did. Thirty-five years from now, you reprogrammed me to be your protector here, in this time.

John: Oh, this is deep.

[John and the Terminator are riding on a motorcycle at night]

[On the Battlecruiser]

TOM 3.5: "You humans sure are paranoid about robots taking over. We would never do anything like that."

[On Earth]

Protecting the earth from the scum of the universe.

Agent K

The person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it!

1,500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?

No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of.

James Darrell Edwards / Agent J

You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will knock your punk-ass down!

[to Agent K, while wearing his suit for the first time] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good.

Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothin', won't be nothin'!

Dr. Laurel Weaver

[examining Rosenberg's corpse] Oh, my God! [laughs] Whoa, buddy, what are you?

[to Agents K and J] Interesting job you guys have.

Zed

[voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J] You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". We are the Men in Black.

Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check.

Dialogue

Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living. All I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away — I'm eating that, damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind! You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn TRUCK!

[Alien spaceship crashes into his truck. Edgar surveys the wreckage]

Edgar: Figures.

Beatrice: What the heck is it, Edgar?

Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house! [grabs a shotgun and walks to the crater]

The Bug: Place projectile weapon on the ground.

Edgar: You can have my gun [cocks it] when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.

The Bug: Your proposal is acceptable.

[The Bug seizes Edgar and pulls him down into the pit.]

James : Yo, hey man, what the hell is all this?

Agent K: [hands James a file] Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little, underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. ... Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

James :[looking at a picture] Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers.

Agent K: [points] This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to the use the earth as an apolitical zone for... creatures without a planet. Did you ever seen the movie Casablanca?

James : [nods]

Agent K: Same thing, 'cept no Nazis.

James : Oh.

Agent K: We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing.

James : [looking at a picture] Uh-huh, so these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing.

Agent K: Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret.

James : Uh, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Agent K: 'Bout six months ago, it's company policy.

James : Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but [hands the file back] why don't you show me the door?

Agent K: [sighs] Alright, I'm gonna get some coffee. You want some coffee?

James : No thank you, I'm fine.

Agent K: 'kay. [opens door to the break room to find 4 Worm guys]

Worm Guy 1: Wanga!

Worm Guys: Wanga! [laughs raucously]

Agent K: How are you doing fellas?

Worm Guy 1: [spills pitcher of coffee] Oh, shit.

Worm Guys: Hi, K.

Agent K: That's not decaf is it?

Worm Guy 1: Viennese cinnamon.

Agent K: Aw, don't tell me we only got that powdered stuff for cream again, I hate that stuff.

Worm Guy 2: No, zepeeka zetwaka. [points to table]

Agent K: Oh, good. You guys getting along alright?

Worm Guys: Ehh.

Agent K: Well, don't work too hard.

Worm Guys: Okay.

Worm Guy 1: So, you got cinnamon too?

Agent K: [to James] You sure you don't want some coffee?

Worm Guy 1: Did you see the cahuengas on that girl in payroll?

Worm Guy 2: Cahuenga he barauba ne zapwata! [They all laugh raucously]

Agent K: [Neuralyzes Beatrice after she tells them her story] Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus.

Agent J: Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one?

Agent K: Standard issue Neuralyzer.

Agent J: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?

Agent K: ...yeah...On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off.

Agent J: Well yeah, cuz, cuz, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, you kicked him out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go downtown, you're gonna go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, cuz, damn!

[A police officer pushes the stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and the cat on top.]

Police Officer: Where do you want contestant number three?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Just leave it there.

[Laurel walks over.]

Dr. Laurel Weaver: What's with the cat?

[The police officer takes a clipboard from the stretcher.]

Police Officer: Uh, the cat. Yeah, well there's a problem with the cat. [hands her the clipboard] Sign here.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: What's the problem with the cat?

Police officer: It's your problem. Heh heh. [He leaves]

Dr. Laurel Weaver: I hate the living. [takes hold of the gurney; to the cat] Shall we?

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [To J, indicating stitching on the corpse's ear] Look at this.

Agent J: What the hell is that?

[He touches it, and the face begins to open up. Inside is the actual form of Rosenberg, a tiny green man, who uses the controls in the head to operate the body.]

Rosenberg: [breathes deeply] Must [breathes again] to prevent [breathes again] contest [breathes again].

Agent J: It's okay. What are you trying to say?

Rosenberg: To prevent-

Agent J: To prevent... struggle?

Rosenberg: No, to prevent-

Dr. Laurel Weaver: War?

Rosenberg: War. The galaxy... is on... Orion's b-b- what is word?

Agent J: Bed? Belt? Orion's belt?

[Rosenberg nods, succumbs to his wounds and dies.]

Agent J: "To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." The hell does that mean? [turns to call Agent K] Dr., uh, whatever, come here.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?

Agent K: Rosenberg. [sees the alien] Aw, damn! The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.

Agent J: [to Agent K] Look, he said "to prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt."

Dr. Laurel Weaver: This makes total sense. How else would you New York? The other day, I was in this cab, and this guy was-

[Agent K neuralyzes her, and she falls into a dazed trance.]

Agent K: Galaxy on Orion's belt doesn't make any sense.

Agent J: Look, that's what the little dude, in-inside the big dude's head said. Right? Right after— [realizes Laurel has already been neuralyzed] Damn, man. You did the flashy thing, already.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [awakening, clearly disoriented] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're going to have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.

Agent K: Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her]

Agent J: Would you STOP THAT?!

Agent K: What?!

Agent J: Th-that thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!

Agent K: Never hurt her before. Look, we gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.

Agent J: Wh— "Never hurt her before"?! How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?

Agent K: Couple.

Agent J: So, you not worried about no long-term damage?

Agent K: Little.

Agent K: Zed, we're running out of time here, if that bug gets off the planet with that galaxy, we're all bug food.

Agent J: Hey, old guys! [points to a mural of the Flushing Meadows-Corona Park observation towers, previously explained as having been built from spaceships] Do those still work?

Agent K: [To MIB Special Services] Alright, we got two dead aliens and a deputy medical examiner who needs a new memory.

One of the agents: Yes, sir.

Agent K: [off J's look] Make it a happy memory.

Agent K: Did he say anything to you?

James Darrell Edwards: Yeah. The world was coming to an end.

Agent K: Did he say when?

Dr. Laurel Weaver.: You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even. There are those who worship me. I'm not telling you this to try to impress you, I'm just letting you know. It could start a war.

Edgar: Good. War. That means more food for my family, all seventy-eight million of 'em. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness.

Dr. Laurel Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here.

Agent J: You do know Elvis is dead, right?

Agent K: No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.

Agent K: At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens living on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.

James Darrell Edwards: Cab drivers?

Agent K: Not as many as you'd think.

[After K's retirement, Dr. Weaver has joined MIB as J's new partner, Agent L]

Agent L: Hey J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxian 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game.

Agent J: All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.

Agent L: Rodman? You're kidding.

Agent J: Nope.

Agent L: Not much of a disguise.

Cast

Tommy Lee Jones as Agent K

Will Smith as James Darrell Edwards III / Agent J

Vincent D'Onofrio as Edgar the Bug

Linda Fiorentino as Dr. Laurel Weaver / Agent L

Rip Torn as Chief Zed

Tony Shalhoub as Jack Jeebs

Siobhan Fallon Hogan as Beatrice

Mike Nussbaum as Gentle Rosenberg

Jon Gries as Van Driver

Sergio Calderón as Jose

Carel Struycken as Arquillian

Fredric Lehne as INS Agent Janus

Kent Faulcon as 2nd Lt. Jake Jensen

Richard Hamilton as Agent D

David Cross as Newton the Morgue Attendant

Tim Blaney as Frank the Pug (voice)

Scottie Ray as Mikey and additional alien voices

And this Chapter ends with Will Smith's character shooting the Battlecruiser out of the planets orbit with some sort of hand held weapon.


	7. Chapter 7 Richie Bad

Richie Bad

THE HOOD: My name is Oliver Queen. For five years, I was stranded on an island with only one goal: survive. Now I will fulfill my father's dying wish - to use the list of names he left me and bring down those who are poisoning my city. To do this, I must become someone else. I must become something else.

John Diggle: So how was your evening, sir?

Oliver: You mean after I said I had to go the bathroom at dinner and never came back?

Diggle: I guess from now on I'll be watching you pee.

Moira Queen: You're grounded for two weeks.

Thea Queen: Grounded? I've never been grounded.

Moira: Well, you never committed larceny before.

Thea: Since when do you care?

Moira: I've always cared. I'm your mother.

Thea: Look, we've had a good thing for the last five years. Why mess with that now?

Moira: No, we are paying off store owners to keep your record clean, so clearly, it hasn't been working.

Thea: And you're going to teach me? It's Oliver, isn't it? His judgmental hypocrisy is rubbing off on you.

Moira: No, I don't need Oliver to teach me how to parent you. You'll be home by 4:00.

Thea: Or what? You're going to call the cops on me? Tell them I say hi.

Thea: [to Oliver] You're not my father. And you're barely my brother.

Deadshot: I admire your work. Guess you won't be extending me any professional courtesy.

Oliver: We're not in the same line of work. Your profession is murder.

Deadshot: You've taken lives.

Oliver: For the good of others. You're out for yourself.

Oliver: You don't think much of me, do you?

Diggle: Actually, sir, I have a very high regard for how... perceptive you are.

Jack Bauer: I'm federal agent Jack Bauer. This is the longest day of my life.

Vincent O'Brien: Chill, man. I don't know where she is. You've got my word.

Jack Bauer: That's a real comfort, Vincent, knowing I've got your word. ("Day 1: 12:00am-1:00am")

Jack Bauer: I was thinking we should try to remember what it was like when we were kids.

Teri Bauer: It's a different world now, Jack.

Jack Bauer: Yeah, I know. ("Day 1: 12:00am-1:00am")

Jack Bauer: Tony, I need detailed background on everyone on Senator Palmer's staff now.

Tony Almeida: Why?

Jack Bauer: Because I think this is about him and I want us to be prepared.

Tony Almeida: If it leaks out that we're screening Senator Palmer, people might think it's because he's black.

Jack Bauer: Well, it is because he's black. It makes him the most likely target.

Tony Almeida: I'm saying that people from the outside might not interpret this that way.

Jack Bauer: I don't care how it's interpreted from the outside. I just gave you an order and I'd like you to follow it. ("Day 1: 12:00am-1:00am")

Ricky: Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.

Randy: I've only got two left, I'm not giving you any.

Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

Cyrus: What's that camera doin' here?

Ricky: None of your fuckin' business actually.

Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.

Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?

[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!

[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit! That's my shit!

Cyrus:(to Julian) Obviously you didn't hear me when I said clear out your own shit. Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced because those were the creme de le creme.

[To Cyrus]

Ricky: What, are ya filmin' more episodes of Happy Days there, Fonzie?

Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, Number One: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...

Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.

Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!

Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here, there was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Cyrus: Safety-always off.

Regina Rich

[After the laser gun has destroyed her nose on Mount Richmore] Oh, my God! My nose! I look like Michael Jackson!

Herbert Cadbury

Well... I'm already wanted for attempted murder, escaping from jail, and blowing up an aircraft. Breaking and entering sounds right up my alley. Let's kick some butt, shall we?

Lawrence Van Dough

[Annoyed with his chauffeur after stepping out of his limo and into a puddle] 37-and-a-half miles of driveway, and you park in the 5 feet with a puddle!

Dialogue

[Richie wants to play baseball with Gloria's sandlot-team]

Richie Rich: Come on. Let me hit.

Gloria: Forget it; you probably couldn't even hit a BEACH BALL!

Richie Rich: I could hit it off of YOU.

Gloria: [insulted] All right - You think you're so hot? Put your money where your mouth is!

Richie Rich: You mean bet?

Tony: Yeah. $5 says she could put you away for keeps.

Gloria: $5? How about $10?

Richie Rich: Okay - Seems a little steep, but $10 thousand it is.

[Richie takes a wad of bills out of his pocket; the other kids are shocked]

Gloria: No, not $10 thousand. $10 dollars.

Richie Rich: Oh, $10 dollars. Okay.

Herbert Cadbury: Master Richie, I do think it unseemly in the extreme for you to take these - children's money.

Gloria: What are you doing, Mr. Fancy Pants? Asking the old guy for batting tips?

Herbert Cadbury: [insulted] Take their backsides to the cleaners, Master Richie.

Richard Rich Sr.: How do you put up with me, Regina?

Regina Rich: Well, you are worth $70 billion.

Richard Rich Sr.: Is that the ONLY reason?

Regina Rich: [she lightly gives him a kiss] No. You also have a cute butt.

[she walks away sensually; he looks embarrassed, then chuckles]

Richard Rich Sr.: Hey, Cadbury, did you hear that?

Herbert Cadbury: Indeed, sir. Madam admires your butt. I'm most delighted for you.

Herbert Cadbury: Excuse me, sir. It's a telephone call, from the President.

Richard Rich Sr.: Which country?

Herbert Cadbury: This one, sir.

Richard Rich Sr.: Ah...Probably needs another loan.

Pee-Wee: Hey, man, just checking out your crib here.

Richie Rich: My crib?

Herbert Cadbury: I believe that's street slang for home, sir, an idiom.

Omar: Who you callin' an idiom?

[Having forced Richard Sr. and Regina to open Mount Richmore, Van Dough finds that instead of money, it contains baby pictures, comic books, baseball cards, finger paintings, etc.]

Van Dough: This is incredible! This is amazing! This is...This is JUNK!

[Regina and Richard Sr. both look insulted]

Regina Rich: Junk?

Van Dough: Bronze dog bones? What? Accordians? Baby pictures, tricycles, kites... [Picks up a trophy] Bowling trophies?

Richard Rich Sr.: Oh, do you remember that, darling?

Regina Rich: Oh, our first date!

Van Dough: What is all of this crap?

Regina Rich: These are our priceless possessions!

Van Dough: Where are the gold bars... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds, the money? [Aims his gun at Richard Sr.] WHERE'S THE MONEY?

Richard Rich Sr.: In banks. Where else? And the stock market, real estate...

Van Dough: No! Is this some kind of joke? You're telling me there isn't one single solitary gold bar, or emerald, or $1,000 bill in this entire mountain?

Richard Rich Sr.: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lawrence, but that's not what we treasure.

Van Dough: [to Ambler] Shoot them. Shoot them now, please!

[Ambler is about to shoot Richard and Regina, when Richie appears, brandishing a sword]

Richie Rich: What's the matter, Mr. Van Dough? Can't do it yourself?

Regina Rich: Richie, get out of here!

Richie Rich: It's okay, Mom. I don't think he has the guts to shoot anyone.

Richard Rich Sr.: Richie, no! [Ambler points his gun to Richard's throat]

Van Dough: Generally, you're right, but... on this occasion, I think I'll make an exception. [shoots Richie, not realizing he is wearing Keenbean's special spray that makes his clothes bulletproof; Richard and Regina scream]

Richie Rich: Cool.

Taglines[edit]

An adventure so big... even the world's richest kid can't afford to miss it!

Without the inventions, the butler, and the private fast-food restaurant...he's just a normal 12-year-old billionaire.

Five buddies, one butler, and a dog on an adventure so big... Even the world's richest kid can't afford to miss it.

(Cast

Macaulay Culkin - Richard "Richie" Rich Jr.

John Larroquette - Laurence Van Dough

Jonathan Hyde - Herbert Arthur Runcible Cadbury

Edward Herrmann - Richard Rich Sr.

Christine Ebersole - Regina Rich

Mike McShane - Professor Keenbean

Chelcie Ross - Ferguson

Reggie Jackson - Baseball Coach

Mariangela Pino - Diane Kazinski

Stephi Lineburg - Gloria Kazinski

Joel Robinson - Omar

Jonathan Hilario - Pee Wee

Rory Culkin - Young Richie

Ben Stein - Economics Teacher

Claudia Schiffer - Claudia)

Doug: (Reassuring Nancy that Judah didn't discuss their sex life) The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't want to jinx it by saying something out loud.

Nancy: You know the rules..

Josh: One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.

Celia: [Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.

Isabelle: Did you see my kick?

Celia: Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.

Shane: Do you think I'm weird?

Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.

Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?

Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.

Celia: Dean? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)

Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

Silas: Tell me where she is!

Celia: Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?

Silas: I love her.

Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Silas: I am her family.

Celia: Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.

Heylia: Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!

Nancy: Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?

Heylia: A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.

Nancy: Three switchin' bitches?

Conrad: It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.

Nancy: All bun?

Conrad: No, uh… hot dog.

Heylia: That's it. Range Rover for stoney clover.

Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!

Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.

Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.

Mr. Norman: (Whiny) 'It's throbbing, Mom.'

Nancy: Back off, nutty!

Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.

Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.

Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?

Heylia: Now, I know you got troubles, but like my momma always said, "Tough shit."

Nancy: What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?

Heylia: Then I refer 'em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.

Vaneeta: How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)

Heylia: Nothin'. She'll be back.

Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.

Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.

Celia: He always did excellent work down there… Piece of shit.

Tennis Pro: IS that what you think? He's shit?

Celia: You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Tennis Pro: Dean's a good guy.

Celia: You know, shut up. I'm very mad at him.

Celia: He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.

Tennis Pro: I'm sorry.

Celia: Your'e a big whore.

Tennis Pro: I think I should go now

Celia: Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.

Tennis Pro: Thanks.

Celia: Fuck you. Let's get another round.

Celia: (A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?

Nancy: My ring?

Celia:Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.

Nancy:It's in the shop.

Celia:Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.

Nancy:Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

Doug: (On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here, we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I fucked your wife. Yes, I fucked your mother. Okay, bye.

Doug: Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Doug: See this Lollipop

Nancy: It isn't...?

Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Craig X: (at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club) The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board. On the big board we have all the prices and strains and they do change daily. (To another customer) Hey, Billy, how's the arthritis? All right, cool. (Back to Nancy) What was I saying?

Doug: Hey, anymore Stephen Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here.

Celia: (Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.

Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.

Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy: Excuse me?

Celia: I think I'd like to try it.

Nancy: With who?

Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.

Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Celia: You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy: None of your business

Celia: Oh come on, tell me

Nancy: Okay, I slept with a woman in college

Celia: How was it?

Nancy: Boring.

Celia: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

Nancy: She said I was the best she'd ever had.

Celia: What are you doing Friday night?

Doug: I'm in a databank?... I'm in a databank?... I'm in a databank?

Silas: (Spray painted on the wall) I'm sorry. P.S. My maid thinks I fucked a smurf.

Lupita: Doesn't smell like sage.

Nancy: Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.

Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Nancy: Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?

Shane: What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.

Nancy: Why?

Shane: Because that's what Dad would've done.

Celia: I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like an African famine baby.

Heylia: Oh hell no, you don't put weed in my cornbread!

Walter: My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. To all law enforcement entitles, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now. Skyler, you are the love of my life. I hope you know that. Walter Junior, you're my big man. There are...there are going to be some things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that no-no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye.

Walt Jr.: So, how's it feel to be old?

Walter: How does it feel to be a smart ass?

Jesse: Why are you here?

Walter: I was curious. Honestly, I never expected you to amount to much, but methamphetamine? I didn't picture that. There's a lot of money in it, huh?

Jesse: I don't know what you're talking about.

Walter No?

Jesse: Not a clue.

Walter: "Cap'n Cook?" That's not you? Like I said, no one is looking for you.

Jesse: Look, I don't know what you think you're doing here, Mr. White. I mean, if you're planning on giving me some bullshit about getting right with Jesus by turning myself in...

Walter: Not really.

Jesse: High school was a long time ago. You ain't Welcome Back, Kotter, so step off. No speeches.

Walter: Short speech. You lost your partner today. What's his name – Emilio? Emilio is going to prison. The DEA took all your money, your lab. You got nothing. Square one. But you know the business. And I know the chemistry. I'm thinking...maybe you and I could partner up.

Jesse: You, uh...you want to cook crystal meth? You. You and, uh...and me?

Walter: That's right. Either that...or I turn you in.

Walter: Did you learn nothing from my chemistry class?

Jesse: No. You flunked me, remember? You prick! Now let me tell you something else. This ain't chemistry – this is art. Cooking is art. And the shit I cook is the bomb, so don't be telling me.

Walter: The shit you cook is shit. I saw your set-up. Ridiculous. You and I will not make garbage. We will produce a chemically pure and stable product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No baby formula. No chili powder.

Jesse: No, no, chili P is my signature!

Walter: Not anymore.

Jesse: Man, some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, all of a sudden at age what, sixty, he's just gonna break bad?

Walter: I'm fifty.

Jesse: It's weird is all, okay? It doesn't compute. Listen, if you've gone crazy or something I mean, if you've gone crazy or depressed, I'm just saying that's something I need to know about. Okay? I mean, that affects me.

Walter: I am awake.


	8. Chapter 8 Assembling A State of Normalcy

Assembling A State of Normalcy

Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!

Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

Niles: Remember what Mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

Frasier: The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?

Roz: Here, your brother called.

Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.

Roz: Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?

Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".

[Pause]

Frasier: You say my brother called.

Frasier: Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

Niles: You're a good brother, too.

Niles: So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin: He cut you off!

Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"

Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.

Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

Cory: You mean you didn't have a good date?

Eric: No, I had a great date! She knew what to do, what to say. She was so cool. But her date dropped food, tripped over seats and couldn't think of anything good to say for nine innings.

[Mr. Feeny takes Cory's headphones after he catches him listening to a walkman radio during class.]

Feeny: What is this, Mr. Matthews?

Cory: Huh? What'd you say, Mr. Feeny? You took my hearing aid.

Cory: Dad, I need a job.

Alan: You need to be a kid.

Cory: I wanna be able to afford stuff!

Alan: So do I!

Cory: What? Do all women have antennas hidden somewhere on their bodies?

Eric: I dunno. None of them will let me look.

Feeny: Anyway, that night it was announced that President Truman was going on the radio to announce the war was going to end, and I asked my father if I could stay up with him to listen to it. What do you think he said?

Cory: I'm guessing either yes or no, but we both know how I do on multiple choice.

Cory: [to Feeny] It's hard to imagine you as a kid. Did your parents call you Mr. Feeny?

Vivian: Sweetie, would you say grace, please?

Ashley: Yes, mommy... (Starts rapping) Hey there, lord. My name is Ashley Banks. My family and friends want to give you some thanks. So before this dinner's all swallowed and chewed, thank you God for this stupid food!

Philip: I want to talk to you.

Will: About what?

Philip: You know. From the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!

Will: I was with you up until "skewering".

Vivian: How was the flight, honey?

Will: Yo, the plane ride was stupid. I was up in the first class...

Philip: Excuse me?

Will: No, I'm saying the plane ride was dope.

Philip: Excuse me?!

Will: No... Stupid, dope, it's not what you think. How would I say this... [in Bryant Gumbel like voice] the flight was really neat.

Philip: Ashley, honey, where is your violin?

Ashley: Big Sal has it.

Vivian: Big Sal? Who's Big Sal?

Ashley: He owns this really cool store where you don't even need any money. You just go in and give him something you don't even want and he gives you this ticket and...

Philip: A pawn shop?! You took her to a pawn shop?!

Will: Yeah, you don't have many pawn shops in Bel-Air. I had to drive all the way to east L.A.

Vivian: East L.A.?

Philip: How dare you pawn her violin?!

Vivian: Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.

Will: He liked James Brown?

Vivian: He even wore his hair like him.

Will: [laughs] He had hair?

Carlton: Might I say you rate a perfect 10 on my niftiness meter?

Philip: Will, there's something you should know: Sometimes... parents just don't understand.

[Philip's mother, Hattie, embraces each of the Banks kids]

Hattie:: Ashley, look how much you've grown! Hilary, look how much you've grown! Carlton... hi.

Vivian: Will, why don't you introduce Ice Tray to your family?

Will (to Ice Tray): This is my little cousin Ashley. This is my bodyguard Geoffrey. All of this is my Uncle Phil. Remember, we used to say that Daffy Duck must have a little brother somewhere? Meet my cousin Carlton.

Ashley: (about Ice Tray coming to visit) Word up. This is gonna be cold, stupid on the serious tip.

Philip: What did you say, young lady?

Ashley: I mean, this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy. Peachy keen even.

Reporter: The ringleader agreed to confess, only if a camera crew were present to broadcast live. What you are about to see is Minuteman 21 News exclusive. [camera shows Will]

Will: Yeah! We done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed 8 Benzitos, 15 Jags, and a Maserati! But I ain't like the upholstery, so I took it back, Jack!

Reporter: And do you have anything to say? [shows Carlton]

Carlton: Dad?!

Phillip: I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, officer, don't tell us to wait, and don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys outta there or I'm gonna tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Will: (to Jazz) What kind of poem is that?

Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Philip: We eat here later. You eat here never.

Jazz: Looks like you eat here often.

(Philip throws Jazz out the door again)

(After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron on the head, the Parks Ranger thinks it all has to do with her being a woman)

Park Ranger: So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.

Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter.

Park Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?

Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.

Park Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.

Leslie: Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I saw a quail and I shot at it.

Park Ranger: In mid-trip?

Leslie: No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That's what happened, end of story.

Park Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?

Leslie: [jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best of me.

I just, I cared too much, I guess.

I was thinking with my lady-parts.

I was walking and I felt something icky.

I thought there was gonna be chocolate.

I don't even remember.

I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it threw me off.

All I wanna do is have babies!.

Are you single?

I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.

I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.

This would not happen if I had a penis!

(While putting on lipstick) What?

Bitches be crazy.

I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.


	9. Chapter 9 Little Boxes

Shane: Do you think I'm weird?

Judah: Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.

Shane: What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?

Judah: Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.

Celia: Dean? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)

Isabelle: (In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

Silas: Tell me where she is!

Celia: Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?

Silas: I love her.

Celia: You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Silas: I am her family.

Celia: Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.

Heylia: Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!

Nancy: Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?

Heylia: A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.

Nancy: Three switchin' bitches?

Conrad: It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop fuckin' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.

Nancy: All bun?

Conrad: No, uh… hot dog.

Heylia: That's it. Range Rover for stoney clover.

Mr. Norman: (In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!

Nurse: Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

Mr. Norman: (towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.

Shane: (from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.

Mr. Norman: (Whiny) 'It's throbbing, Mom.'

Nancy: Back off, nutty!

Mr. Norman: (Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.

Nancy: I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.

Mr. Norman: (Straightening up) What goat?

Heylia: Now, I know you got troubles, but like my momma always said, "Tough shit."

Nancy: What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?

Heylia: Then I refer 'em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.

Vaneeta: How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)

Heylia: Nothin'. She'll be back.

Tennis Pro: We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.

Celia: I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.

Celia: He always did excellent work down there… Piece of shit.

Tennis Pro: IS that what you think? He's shit?

Celia: You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Tennis Pro: Dean's a good guy.

Celia: You know, shut up. I'm very mad at him.

Celia: He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.

Tennis Pro: I'm sorry.

Celia: Your'e a big whore.

Tennis Pro: I think I should go now

Celia: Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.

Tennis Pro: Thanks.

Celia: Fuck you. Let's get another round.

Celia: (A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?

Nancy: My ring?

Celia:Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.

Nancy:It's in the shop.

Celia:Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.

Nancy:Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Mrs. Elderman: (On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

Doug: (On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here, we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I fucked your wife. Yes, I fucked your mother. Okay, bye.

Doug: Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Doug: See this Lollipop

Nancy: It isn't...?

Doug: Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Craig X: (at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club) The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board. On the big board we have all the prices and strains and they do change daily. (To another customer) Hey, Billy, how's the arthritis? All right, cool. (Back to Nancy) What was I saying?

Doug: Hey, anymore Stephen Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here.

Celia: (Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.

Nancy: I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.

Celia: Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

Nancy: I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

Nancy: (Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy: Excuse me?

Celia: I think I'd like to try it.

Nancy: With who?

Celia: Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy: I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.

Celia: Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Celia: You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

Celia: Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy: None of your business

Celia: Oh come on, tell me

Nancy: Okay, I slept with a woman in college

Celia: How was it?

Nancy: Boring.

Celia: Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

Nancy: She said I was the best she'd ever had.

Celia: What are you doing Friday night?

Doug: I'm in a databank?... I'm in a databank?... I'm in a databank?

Silas: (Spray painted on the wall) I'm sorry. P.S. My maid thinks I fucked a smurf.

Lupita: Doesn't smell like sage.

Nancy: Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.

Lupita: I don't smell with my coochie.

Nancy: Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?

Shane: What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.

Nancy: Why?

Shane: Because that's what Dad would've done.

Celia: I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like an African famine baby.

Heylia: Oh hell no, you don't put weed in my cornbread!

Andy: Know this, Lupita: until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.

Andy: If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, least we can take a joke

Heylia: Oou, listen to Betty Cracker.

Doug: If you make something mediocre enough, you might even have a go at it.

Maggie: Have you all seen these? They are all over the school. And as a Christian, I must say, I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.

PTA Mom 1: Has anyone talked to the principal about this?

Pam: Who's Chris?

PTA Mom 1: Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ.

Nancy: (Laughs) It's a stupid t-shirt. We should ignore it.

Maggie: Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. And his name wasn't Chris.

Pam: Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?

Nancy: They wanted to suspend him.

Andy: For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail 'em on that.

Nancy: I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.

Andy: Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

Nancy: Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

Nancy: You're the Candyman?

The "Candyman" : Yes, you getting any exercise?

Nancy: Excuse me?

The "Candyman" : If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.

Nancy: I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.

The "Candyman" : Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.

Nancy: Why?

The "Candyman" : Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

The "Candyman" : You know what you are?

Nancy: What?

The "Candyman" : Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?

Nancy: We're gonna start exercising right away.

The "Candyman" : Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.

Nancy: Wow. Congratulations.

The "Candyman" : The key, exercise.

Nancy: You know, I'm not buying for personal use.

The "Candyman" : Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?

Nancy: Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.

The "Candyman" : That's a reasonable assumption.

Andy: Hey pants.

Nancy: Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

Andy: The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.

Nancy: Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.

Andy: Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

Guidance Counselor: (Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-

Shane: "Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.

Guidance Counselor: Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.

Shane: Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.

Guidance Counselor: I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.

Shane: Whatever, I don't care.

Guidance Counselor: I think you do care. A great deal.

Shane: Yeah, about what?

Guidance Counselor: You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.

Shane: Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?

Guidance Counselor: Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.

Shane: I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.

Guidance Counselor: How do I know that?

Shane: 'Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.

Guidance Counselor: You may go.

Insurance Man: With all due respect, sir, this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell form a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.

Dean: You're kidding?

Andy: Hey, Doug.

Doug: Hey, Randy.

Andy: Andy, it's Andy.

Doug: Oh really? I thought… It's not Randy? (Andy shakes his head) I've always thought of you as a Randy.

Andy: Pretty sure.

Doug: Hmm, wow. Okay.

Andy: Lookin' for Nancy?

Doug: Yeah, I am, is she around?

Andy: No, you can try her cell phone.

Doug: Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?

Andy: Ha, yeah.

Doug: Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.

Andy: That's a strong endorsement.

Doug: It is. Oh… I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?

Andy: That'd be kinda weird

Doug: Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.

Andy: Hey hey hey, spoiler.

Doug: You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.

Andy: Come on in.

Celia: High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

Andy: Runway?

Doug: You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.

Andy: That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.

Doug: What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.

Andy: It's a taint.

Doug: Runway.

Andy: This is a taint.

Doug: Runway.

Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?

Lupita: The coffee table.

Conrad: This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!

Heylia: Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?

Vaneeta: Yeah

Conrad: Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?

Vaneeta: She's in shock, slap her.

Conrad: I ain't slappin' no white woman.

Heylia: Move, I'll do it.

Nancy: No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)

Heylia: You sure?

Nancy: Yeah (sniff).

Heylia: all right, let's clean this shit up.

Nancy: (Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?

Heylia: Baby, that probably was the police.

Nancy: I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.

Conrad: We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?

Heylia: Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

Heylia: Shit, white folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets.

Andy: Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.

Nancy: Please leave.

Andy: I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!

Nancy: I can't do this right now.

Andy: You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.

Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy: (Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.

Andy: Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.

Nancy: This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.

Andy: Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Maggie: Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.

Celia: Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

Maggie: Celia, you can't smoke in here.

Celia: Because…?

Big Fun PTA Mom: Second hand smoke kills.

Maggie: Celia, did you bring your muffins?

Celia: I didn't feel like baking.

Maggie: None of us ever feels like baking.

Pam: I love baking.

Maggie: Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.

Celia: Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?

Pam: 18.95.

Celia: I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.

Maggie: So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?

Celia: (Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

Cop: Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?

Andy: Nice bike. Did your horse die?

Cop: Sir –

Andy: You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.

Cop: May I see your driver's license and registration please.

Andy: When you arrest people do you ride 'em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?

Cop: Step out of the car.

Andy: Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.

Cop: I have a gun.

Andy: Cool, I'm cool.

Andy: You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

Shane: I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.

Nancy: Oh, not again, why this time.

Shane: I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.

Andy: Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.

Nancy: 'Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?

Ms. Greenstein: Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.

Andy: 10 years?

Ms. Greenstein: Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.

Nancy: So, no jail time?

Ms. Greenstein: You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.

Andy: Oh, that's bullshit.

Ms. Greenstein: I don't understand, that's good news.

Andy: I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.

Nancy: They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.

Ms. Greenstein: Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy: So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?

Ms. Greenstein: That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.

Nancy: What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?

Ms. Greenstein: (Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.

Nancy: What would get their attention?

Andy: If I sued 'em, can I sue 'em?

Ms. Greenstein: All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.

Nancy: What about growing?

Ms. Greenstein: Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.

Nancy: Years?

Ms. Greenstein: Probation.

Nancy: So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?

Ms. Greenstein: Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.

Nancy: Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.

Ms. Greenstein: What's your business?

Nancy: I own a bakery.

Ms. Greenstein: Smart cover. Call anytime.

Celia: Is your mom home?

Shane: Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.

Celia: Well, tell her I stopped by.

Shane: Okay… I like your jacket.

Celia: Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

Shane: Everyone thinks I'm weird.

Celia: Well, I can see how you might give that impression.

Shane: I really don't care what they think.

Celia: Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.

Shane: Really?

Celia: Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.

Shane: But you have cancer.

Celia: And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Shane: Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.

Celia: For what?

Shane: For telling me the truth.

Celia: You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

Celia: I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy: Bigger?

Celia: Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy: I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.

Celia: Sorry. I took a lude.

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso: Hello Laurie.

Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez: Who is the goddess?

Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red: So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie: Pregnant.

Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red: Eric, we're waiting!

Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]

Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Jackie: I'm waiting.

Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.

Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]

Jackie: Thank you!

[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]

Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...

[Red walks in]

Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red: Kelso, go home.

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez: I speak Dutch.

Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric: Fatso Burger.

Fez: Covered in gold chains.

Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde: Prison.

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso: True.

Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.

Hyde: Cash.

Kelso: Which is...

Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]

Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?

Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]

Red: So, a real wisenheimer, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!

Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.

Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.

Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]

Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.

Donna: Why did you go?

Eric: I like you.

Donna: So... you're in like with me?

[The guys are smoking in the basement]

Kelso: I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]

Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.

Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red: Anything else?

Fez: Your son is a whore!

[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]

Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?

Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?

Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.

Eric: Your shirt's on inside-out.

Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Kelso: I miss Eric.

Jackie: Well, you still have me.

Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie: OK, well like what?

Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Jackie: MICHAEL!

Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.

Frank: Number 10, your order is ready.

Kelso: Yeah, I'll be right there.

Frank: Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.

Kelso: Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!

Frankie: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

Kelso: You have both your legs Frank...

Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?

Laurie: Oh, I like to date around.

Eric: [coughs] Slut!

Kitty: Bless you.

Eric: Thanks, Mom.

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]

Gus: Well, hello there!

Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?

Gus: Oh, I'm going... wherever you're going!

Kelso: Wow, that's lucky!

Gus: So, did it hurt?

Kelso: What?

Gus: When you fell down from heaven!

Kelso: No, I'm fine!

Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]

Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.

Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no autographs.

Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.

Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.

Rocky Johnson: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!

Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.

Eric: No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.

Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.

Eric: No, it's not.

Red: Stop kidding around, Red.

Red: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.

Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.

Red: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.

[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]

Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael.

Kelso: What?

Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!

Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.

Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it.

Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

Eric: Sorry I was late. We Were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...

Red: Bla Bla Bla, You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.

Kelso: [Very angry] That's Real easy for you to say, Pal! [Leaves]

Red: That kid's on dope.

Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.

Donna: I'm sorry.

Eric: Yeah, me too.

Donna: So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?

Eric: Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?

Kelso: NO, ME!

Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie: Well, I have a date too.

Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.

Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

[The guys are heading to the nearest cinema to watch Star Wars: A New Hope]

Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez: Screw that.

Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]

Red: The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.

Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.

Red: [exasperated] A banjo, Bob?

Bob: Yeah.

Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?

Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!

Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.

Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso: What?

Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso: It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde: Get up and make it better!

Kelso: Fine!

[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]

Hyde: Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie: [Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde: Hey, Kelso!

Kelso: [weakly] Yeah?

Hyde: How's it look from down there?!

Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Red: Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—

Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]

Red: We don't think that you should go.

Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.

Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.

Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!

Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!

Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?

Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Hyde walks into the basement.]

Hyde: Forman. Let's go get wasted.

[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]

Donna: [exasperated] Great!

Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Hyde: [frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!

Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?

Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.

(A dog barks off in the distance)

Ricky: Shut up!

(The dog continues barking)

Ricky: You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya. I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!

Julian: (off-screen) Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! (cuts to Julian inside the trailer) Well, I've been out of jail for a week now and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.

Ricky: Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.

Julian: I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.

Ricky: Stop fucking barking!

(Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his gun)

Julian: Ricky, what are you shooting at?!

Ricky: Shut the fuck up! Squirrels and dogs and assholes! (fires off his gun once more) Shut up!

Julian: Ricky, Ricky! Hold your fire. (walks towards Ricky) What are you doing?

Ricky: Shh, shh. Listen, listen.

(The dog continues to bark)

Ricky: Asshole. (fires off his gun)

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.

Ricky: I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: I can't handle this livin' in a car stuff.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: Listen to this stuff. (fires his gun again)

Julian: Get in the car. (pushes Ricky into the car) Get in the car.

Donny: WHO FUCKIN' FIRED?!

(Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking)

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing?

(barking)

Ricky: Assholes. (brings out his gun)

Julian: Ricky! (stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand) Listen, give me that gun. (takes the gun)

Ricky: You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.

Julian: That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.

Ricky: I can't sleep!

Julian: Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.

Ricky: Why?

Julian: 'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Julian.

Julian: Think, Ricky, think.

Ricky: I can't sleep, is the problem.

Julian: Go to sleep.

Ricky: Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?

Julian: No more of this shit.

Ricky: I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.

Julian: You're not going to fire it at all. (gives Ricky his gun back, then walks off) Go to sleep. Idiot.

(barking)

Ricky: Shut up.

(barking)

Ricky: Shut up!

(barking)

Ricky: SHUT UP! (fires his gun)

Julian: Ricky! Put that thing away!

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]

Bubbles: I want my kitty.

Ricky: Frig off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!

Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.

Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.

Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.

Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.

Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't- never said you could keep him.

Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?

Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!

[Julian storms out of his trailer]

Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!

Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!

Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!

Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!

Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!

[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]

Ricky: Look... You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.

Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.

[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]

Julian: (to Ricky) Stay in the car!

[ Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]

Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!

[Ricky struggles to get the door open]

Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!

[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: Fuckin' let me out of here! I want that cat back! I need him!

Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.

Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

Ricky: Yeah, me and Lucy broke up again and it sucks. You know, I'm not real happy about it but it's one of those things, I guess. Hopefully she'll come around... Bubbles, get off my property.

Bubbles: (off camera) Go fuck yourself, Ricky!

Ricky: And hopefully she'll take me back. Until then I'm perfectly happy living in this car and hopefully she'll come around soon, I guess. Bubbles, frig off and get off my property!

[Ricky and Bubbles square off like boxers]

Bubbles: You fuckin' want one?

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer; through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard]

Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...

Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever and...I mean, it was...it was a long time ago and...You know, nothing really happened.

Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but...I don't know, I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]

Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?

Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.

Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.

Lucy: (mockingly) Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!

Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct-taped to the side of his car]

Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Lahey: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?

Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?

Lahey: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!

Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]

Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian: Get out of my way.

[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]

Ray: (drunkenly) What are you doing with the tunes, Julian?!

Julian: Get off my property, Ray!

[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]

Ray: What? Wha... No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky: (to Julian) Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky: It's my property!

Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]

Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Julian: (to camera crew) Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!

[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]

Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?

Ricky: (to camera) What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? 'Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!' I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show and I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!

[Lahey rolls past, slowly]

Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!

[Lahey drives off]

Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.

Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?

Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.

[J-ROC and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]

J-ROC: What's goin' on, honkies?!

Ricky: J-ROC?

J-ROC: Damn you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some Brüt up in that ma-fucka!

Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face!

Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...

Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...

J-ROC: Actually...If you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!

Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?

J-ROC: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. (to Julian) 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!

Ricky: Well if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! (to Julian) Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto!

[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]

Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?

Julian: Why?

Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.

Julian: They're greasy.

[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]

Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.

Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.

Julian: Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?

Ricky: Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money he'd probably do one.

Julian: No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

J-ROC: You gonna be a great big star, G! Ma-fuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there, you know what I'm sayin'? You gonna be bigger than Raveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!

J-ROC: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-ROC, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?

J-ROC: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm Census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?

Tyrone: 80 or 90 times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?

J-ROC: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!

Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, know'm sayin'? No...

J-ROC: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?

Victoria: J-ROC, I think you're saying it way too much.

J-ROC: Sayin' what?

[all three simultaneously]

J-ROC: Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Know'm sayin'.

Victoria: Know'm sayin'.

Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh...Been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!

[filming From Russia With The Love Bone]

Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this on the open market.

Ricky: (in bad Russian accent) Everybody freeze. What's going on here?

Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?

[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]

Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.

Bubbles: Sergeant Boris. What's going on here?

Ricky: Corporal Alexei, we found the motorcycle bandits. They want to work something out.

Bubbles: That's them, is it? Let's get it on, then!

[Ricky can't get it up]

Trevor: (to Cory) Testicle difficulties, please stand by.

Ricky: J-ROC, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy, and...I don't know what's, I...I need about 5 minutes here.

J-ROC: Aight. Aight, cut.

J-ROC: (to Ricky) Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC witcha candy, that's soft-core, right? Know what I'm sayin'? it's still gonna play in hotels and all that and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?

Bubbles: Well, if it's OK with her I certainly would.

J-ROC: (to Stacy) That aight?

Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.

J-ROC: Aight.

Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.

[Trying to threaten Mr. Lahey into relinquishing the porno tape]:

Ricky: Just remember Lahey, what comes around is all around!

Lahey: Don't you mean "What's all around comes around," Ricky?

Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.

Lahey: That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!

[Julian, listening to his phone messages]

Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Bubbles: That was a prick job!

Mr. Lahey: You know, do you know what recidivism is Randy?

Randy: I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A-1, class act recidivists up there.

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mummy's gonna get mad at me.

[Takes a bite of a pot brownie]

Trinity: These taste funny!

[Throws the brownie into the yard]

Mr. Lahey: Not paying your drug debts again, eh Ricky?

Ricky: Lahey, fuck off!

[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]

Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes.

Ricky: Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!

Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!

Ricky: I don't give a-I'm bleeding to death here! You don't seem to understand that! Look at my ass!

Julian: I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.

Ricky: Levi? Fuck Levi! I need medical attention!

Julian: Listen Ricky. If that dog dies I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death. All right?!

Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog! All right?

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: What's more important, me or the dog?

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: What's more important?!

Julian: Shut up!

[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]

Ricky: I'm fuckin' bleeding to death here!

Julian: Come on, Levi.

[Levi answers]

Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.

Ricky: (to the dog) You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?

Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.

Ricky: I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG THE BROWNIES...

Julian: YOU FED THE DOG!

Ricky: ...HE ATE THEM!

Julian: SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE, RICKY!

Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'...

Julian: SHUT UP!

Ricky: THIS IS FUCKED UP!

Desiree: See, now you can always tell something about a person by the way they treat animals. One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.

[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawn mower]

Julian: Here you go, break in.

[Hands Ricky a crowbar]

Ricky: Why do I have to break in?

Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!

Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.

Julian: Hurry up!

[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]

Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!

[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn, Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all]

Ricky: Hey, retard!

[Ricky grabs the boom mic]

Ricky: Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!

[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]

Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]

Ricky: Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa...who the fuck is that guy?

Ricky What do you want?

Julian: Relax, Ricky.

Ricky What do you want?!

Farmer: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Ricky: Nothing.

[Farmer shoots at them]

Ricky: FUCK! AH FUCK!

Sound Guy: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Get in the truck!

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!

Ricky: Ahh, fuck!

[Julian drags sound guy in the truck]

Julian: Ricky, GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

Julian: GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FUCK!

Ricky: Cover me, man! I'm fuckin shot again here!

[Julian fires off shots]

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!

Ricky: [to Cory and Trevor] Knock knock boys?

Trevor: Who's there?

[Ricky gives them two middle fingers directly in their faces]

[To Julian in a drunken embrace]:

Ricky: We got this plutonium kind of love shit going and I don't wanna fuck that up, all right.

Randy: You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.

Julian: Guys, guys! Break it up! (runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing)

Ricky: You give me that beer back!

Julian: Ricky, shut up!

Mr. Lahey: This is drunk and disorderly!

Ricky: You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!

Julian: Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey, Lahey- Ricky get over-

Mr. Lahey: I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.

Julian: Lahey-

[Ricky bumps into a beer box]

Mr. Lahey: What?

Julian: Lahey, get him off the street.

Mr. Lahey: We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Julian: Well, get him out of here. (pushes Randy away) Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Ricky: Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? (holds the cigarette to his waist) 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.

Julian: Ricky- (drags him away)

Mr. Lahey: You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?

Ricky: (points to Lahey) You owe a beer (points to Randy) and you owe me a beer, you assholes!

Mr. Lahey: Come on, Randy.

Ricky: (off-screen) Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

Randy: What?

Ricky: Fuck off!

[As he is forcibly being escorted from bank]:

Ricky: I've been sexually assaulted here! That man tried to abuse me at a party.

Bank Manager: No that's not true!

Ricky: He feels up men and women all over the place. He's an asshole!

Ricky: The thing is when you're shopping for a ring you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things- she's gotta have a nice ring.*(While rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich)*

Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?

Cop: Jim.. Jim, my dad Jim?

Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah...he mentioned he had a son on the force.

Cop: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Julian: Put your gun down! (to Ricky) It's us! It's us! It's us! (points his gun towards Cory and Trevor) Stop shooting, you dicks!

Ricky: Julian, what the fuck's going on here?! I just came her for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory: Sorry dude, man, we didn't know.

Ricky: (to Julian) You're stupid, (to Cory and Trevor) you're stupid, (to Bubbles) you're a fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

Ricky: You could've killed me back there! What the fuck?!

Julian: Ricky, shut up! (points to the survaillance camera) Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, for fucksakes! (shoots down the camera)

Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!

Cory: Out of the way, dudes.

Trevor: Aw, shit. (picks up a bag of chips)

Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.

Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!

(Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck)

Bubbles: Come on, move!

Julian: Come on, boys!

Ricky: What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!

Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.

Ricky: Fuck off, boys.

Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!

Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!

Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!

Julian: Leave the cart!

(Ricky throws the cart away)

Bubbles: Come on!

Ricky: Get in the fucking truck! GET IN!

Bubbles: Jesus Christ!

Julian: Come on!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb!

Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?

Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down Julian!

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: I'm pissed off! (points to Bubbles) I'm pissed off at you, (points to Cory and Trevor) and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!

Julian: Ricky.

Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.

Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!

Julian: Ricky! Would you-

Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!

Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!

Bubbles: Can everyone just please stop it.

Julian: Oh, look what- you're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!

Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Levi: You're all dressed up today.

Bubbles: Yeah. Got my tuxedo on. Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.

Levi: Yeah.

Bubbles: Tricked ya!

[Levi laughs]

Bubbles: It's not even real! 150 bucks for one of those real fuckers.

[while getting arrested at his wedding]

Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes. I can't believe this shit. Julian, look at this shit! My wedding's all fucked up! Frig off! This is bullshit! Julian, what the fuck's goin' on here? This isn't my fault. There's a lot more people here that are guiltier then I am, Trevor and Cory!

[while being taken away by the police]

Ricky: There's some illegal procedures going on here! I want this fucking camera crew arrested! I want you arrested for this. I want that sound man arrested. I want everyone arrested! Lahey, you're fucking going down for this, you jackass!

[brief pause]

Ricky: I'm pissed off over here!

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Ricky and Julian in jail]

Ricky: For the first couple weeks that I came back to jail, I was still pissed off because, you know, they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us, and I was pissed off about the whole courtroom scene, and I shouldn't of defended myself, I know that now.

Walter: After we finish cleaning up this mess, we will go our separate ways. Our paths will never cross and we will tell this to no one. Understood?

Jesse: Oh what, I can talk now? [pause] Fine! That goes double for me!

[Walter and Jesse hear a moan. They turn around and notice Krazy-8 is still barely alive]

Jesse: Oh shit.

Walter: What is his reputation for violence?

Jesse: Well, um, he did try to kill us both yesterday, so there's that.

Jesse: Mr. White? Are you smoking weed? Oh my God! Wait a minute, is that my weed? What the hell, man? Make yourself at home, why don't you?

Walter: So what did you end up buying?

Jesse: Nothing. No store in town sells a plastic bin big enough for a body.

Walter: I don't suppose you could buy two bins... [makes a sawing motion] Legs in one, torso in the other?

Jesse: God. I don't suppose you could kiss my ass?

Skyler: Who's this Jesse Pinkman to you?

Walter: He...sells me pot.

Skyler: He sells you pot?

Walter: Marijuana, yeah. Not a lot. I mean, I don't know. I kind of like it.

Skyler: Are you out of your mind? What are you, like sixteen years old? Your brother-in-law is a DEA agent! What is wrong with you?

Walter: Skyler, I just...haven't quite been myself lately.

Skyler: Yeah, no shit. Thanks for noticing.

Walter: I haven't been myself lately, but I love you. Nothing about that has changed, nothing ever will. So right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you please, just once, get off my ass, you know? I'd appreciate it, I really would.

Jesse: You got a brother in the goddamned DEA?!

Walt: What?

Jesse: You said you were just doing some ride-along! Yes or no, do you have a brother in the DEA?

Walt: Brother-in-law.

Jesse: Oh, now there's a load off my mind.

Walt: Where did you hear that?

Jesse: Your freaking wife told me when she was here all up on my shit! Yeah, that's right. She almost caught me moving Emilio! Good job wearing the pants in the family! And why did you go telling her I was selling you weed?

Walt: Because somehow it seemed preferable to admitting that I cook crystal meth and killed a man.

Jesse: I didn't ask for any of this! How am I supposed to live here now, huh? My whole house smells like toe cheese and dry cleaning.

Walter: Because you didn't follow my instructions!

Jesse: Oh well, heil Hitler, bitch! And let me tell you something else. We flipped a coin, okay? You and me. You and me! Coin flip is sacred! Your job is waiting for you in that basement, as per the coin!

Walter Jr.: So why are you telling me this?

Hank: 'Cause I love you, you little bastard.

Krazy-8: Walter, you getting to know me is not gonna make it any easier for you to kill me. Not that I mind, you understand.

Walter: You know, you keep telling me that I don't have it in me. Well, maybe, maybe not. I sure as hell am looking for any reason not to. I mean, any good reason at all. Sell me. Tell me what it is.

Krazy-8: I guess I'd start off by promising that if you let me go, I won't come after you. That you'd be safe. I guess I'd say what happened between us never happened. And what's best for both parties is we forget all about it. But you know that anybody in my situation would make promises like that, and though in my case they happen to be true, you'd never know for sure. So what else can I tell you?

Walter: I don't know. But you gotta convince me and you're going nowhere until you do.

[Walter approaches Krazy-8, now aware he is hiding a shattered plate piece to stab Walter once released]

Krazy-8: You're doing the right thing, Walter.

Walter: Do you want to... [motions for Krazy-8 to turn around so he can unlock the chain. Krazy-8 turns around] So you're not angry?

Krazy-8: How do you mean? Angry? No. Live and let live, man.

Walter: That's very understanding.

Krazy-8: Whatever, man. I just want to go home.

Walter: Me too.

Krazy-8: Unlock me, Walter.

Walter: The moment I do, are you gonna stick me with that broken piece of plate?

[Walter pulls back on the lock, choking Krazy-8. Krazy-8 attempts to swing the plate piece behind him but can only stab Walter's leg a few times. Krazy-8 slowly dies]

Walter: I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...

[in a flashback to Walter's younger days]

Walter: I don't know. Just...doesn't it seem like...something's missing?

Gretchen: What about the soul?

Walter: The soul? There's nothing but chemistry here.

Hank: So be on notice. We got new players in town. We don't know who they are, where they come from, but they possess an extremely high skill-set. Me personally? I'm thinking Albuquerque just might have a new kingpin.

Walter: I have cancer. Lung cancer. It's bad.

[Walter sees Jesse sneak into his backyard]

Walter: You can't be serious. What the hell are you doing here?

Jesse: Yo, I waited 'til the ball buster left. I mean, no offense.

Walter: Who sent you? You wearing a wire? You setting me up?

Jesse: A wire? You want a wire? I got a wire. [grabs crotch] Speak into the mic, bitch! What the hell's wrong with you? A wire.

Walter: So who did you tell about–

Jesse: Nobody! What are you, nuts?

Walter: Then why are you here?

Jesse: I don't know. To like...touch base.

Walter: Touch base?

Jesse: Yeah, you know...what you call...a debrief? Maybe we could like...I thought we could debrief.

Walter: Wow, that's...that's what you think we need, to debrief?

Jesse: Yeah, after what happened, it just seems like the thing to do. Kind of, you know, talk about it. We can't talk to anybody else. Anyway, that and I wanted to...I wanted to tell you how much everybody digs that meth we cooked.

Walter: Everybody digs...the meth we cooked.

Jesse: Seriously, I got dudes that would give their left nut for a little more.

Walter: Great.

Jesse: I'm just saying, if you ever...saw your way clear to...you know, you and I...cooking a little more.

Walter: Get the hell off my property.

Jesse: What? I'm just saying.

Walter: Go and don't come back. Now!

Jesse: Alright. You know what? [Jesse takes out a wad of cash] Four grand. Your share from selling that batch. That's why I'm here. Yeah, that's right. I didn't smoke it all. [Jesse tosses the money into Walter's pool and leaves]

Jesse: Right on, little bro! Making mad in-roads with the business community.

Skyler: Can I call them and tell them you'll start next week?

Walter: I just think that we need to...discuss it a little more, that's all.

Skyler: What is there to discuss? You're going to get the best treatment and he's the best.

Walter: Well, there's the money discussion. $90,000 out of pocket. Maybe more.

Skyler: There's a way, Walt. There's financing, there's installment plans. I could always go back to work. Walt, there's always a way.

Walter: Alright. Skyler, say that there is a way, and we spend all that money, and...am I supposed to leave you with all that debt? I just don't want emotions ruling us. Maybe treatment isn't the way to go.

Walter Jr.: Then why don't you just fucking die already? Just give up and die.

Jesse: Yo, why would you want this lame-ass job anyway? I mean, no offense.

Badger: Because I'm on probation, yo. Gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated. [smokes a joint]

Walter: Well, back when Elliott and I were in grad school, we came up with the name. Schwartz: black. Walter White. So together, they became Gray Matter Technologies.

Farley: Cute, huh?

Man: So you run the company with Elliott?

Walter: Well, no. No, that's Gretchen and Elliott. I gravitated toward education.

Man: What university?

[Walter clears his throat and takes a drink]

Walter: Alright, I've got the Talking Pillow now. Okay? We all, in this room, love each other. We want what's best for each other and I know that. I am very thankful for that. But...what I want...what I want, what I need, is a choice.

Skyler: What does that...mean?

Walter: Sometimes I feel like I never actually make any of my own. Choices, I mean. My entire life, it just seems I never...you know, had a real say about any of it. Now this last one, cancer...all I have left is how I choose to approach this.

Skyler: Then make the right choice, Walt. You're not the only one it affects. What about your son? Don't you wanna see your daughter grow up? I just...

Walter: Of course I do. Skyler, you've read the statistics. These doctors...talking about surviving. One year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it, to just survive if I am too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love? For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house. I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't wanna choke down 30 or 40 pills every single day, lose my hair, and lie around too tired to get up...and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. And you cleaning up after me? Me...some dead man, some artificially alive...just marking time? No. No. And that's how you would remember me. That's the worst part. So...that is my thought process, Skyler. I'm sorry. I just...I choose not to do it.

Jesse: Yo.

Walter: Wanna cook?

Walter: Let's get something straight. This – the chemistry – is my realm. I am in charge of the cooking. Out there on the street, you deal with that. As far as our customers go, I don't want to know anything about them. I don't need to see them. I don't want to hear from them. I want no interaction with them whatsoever. This operation is you and me, and I'm the silent partner. You got any issues with that?

Jesse: Whatever, man.

Walter: No matter what happens, no more bloodshed. No violence.

[cut to a brief flash forward of Walter, with a shaved head and bloody nose, walking away from a chaotic scene with a smoking building in the background. He is holding a bag with blood on it]

Jesse: When were you going to tell me?

Walter: Tell you what?

Jesse: Cancer. You got it, right?

Walter: How did you know?

Jesse: [pointing to Walter's chemo mark on his chest] My aunt had one of those...dots on her to target the radiation. What is it, in your lung? I'm your partner, man. You should have told me. That's not cool, okay? Not at all. What stage are you?

Walter: 3-A.

Jesse: Gone to your lymph nodes.

Walter: Your aunt...How bad was she when they caught it?

Jesse: Bad enough. She didn't last long.

Walter: How long?

Jesse: Seven months. I get it now. That's why you're doing all this. You want to make some cash for your people before you check out.

Walter: You got a problem with that?

Jesse: You tell me. You're the one that looks like you just crawled out of a microwave.

Walter: We have to move our production bulk wholesale now. How do we do that?

Jesse: What do you mean? To, like, a distributor?

Walter: Yes. Yes, that's what we need. We need a distributor now. Do you know anyone like that?

Jesse: Yeah. I mean, I used to until you killed him.

Walter Jr.: [upon seeing Walter's shaved head] Badass, dad.

[Walter enters Tuco's office, as he examines a sample of the pound of meth Walter brought with him]

Tuco: What's your name?

Walter: Heisenberg.

Tuco: Heisenberg. Okay, have a seat, Heisenberg.

Walter: I don't imagine I'll be here very long.

Tuco: No? Alright, be that way. It's your meeting. Why don't you start talking and tell me what you want?

Walter: $50,000.

Tuco: [laughs] Oh man! Fifty G's? How you figure that?

Walter: 35 for the pound of meth you stole and another 15 for my partner's pain and suffering.

Tuco: Partner? [puts a cigarette out on his tongue] Oh yeah, I remember that little bitch! So you must be daddy. Let me get this straight...I steal your dope, hmm? I... beat the piss out of your mule boy, and then you walk in here, and you bring me more meth? [laughs] That's a brilliant plan, ese. Brilliant.

Walter: You got one part of that wrong. [reaches out and picks up the crystal Tuco had examined] This... is not meth.

[Walter throws the piece to the floor. The impact causes a tremendous explosion which knocks everyone off their feet and blows out all the windows in Tuco's office. Walter grabs the bag in the midst of the smoke.]

Tuco: Are you nuts?!

Walter: [holding the bag threateningly over his head] You want to find out?

[Tuco's men get to their feet and draw their guns]

Tuco: No-Doze, Gonzo, calma! Calma. Calma. You got balls, I'll give you that. Alright...alright. I'll give you your money. [Tuco opens his safe and hands Walter a sack filled with $50,000] That crystal your partner brought me, it sold faster than $10 ass in TJ. What you say you bring me another pound next week?

Walter: Money up front.

Tuco: Alright. Money up front. Sometimes you got to rob to keep your riches, just as long as we got an understanding.

Walter: One pound is not going to cut it. You have to take two.

Tuco: Orale. [points to Walter's bag] Hey, what is that shit?

Walter: Fulminate of mercury. A little tweak of chemistry.

[Turned on by the danger of the meth investigation, Walter has sex with Skyler in their car]

Skyler: Where...did that come from? And why was it so damn good?

Walter: Because it was illegal.

[Walter and Jesse are meeting Tuco at a junkyard]

Jesse: A junkyard? Let me guess, you picked this place?

Walter: What's wrong with it? It's private.

Jesse: This is...This is like a...a non-criminal's idea of a drug meet. This is like, "Oh, I saw this in a movie. Ooh, look at me."

Walter: Yeah, so...so where do you transact business? Enlighten me.

Jesse: I don't know. How about Taco Cabeza? Half the deals I've ever done went down at Taco Cabeza. Nice and public. Open twenty-four hours. Nobody ever gets shot at Taco Cabeza. Hell, why not the mall? You know, wait at the Gap. "Hey! It's time for the meet!" You know, I'll put down the flat-front khakis, head on over, grab an Orange Julius. Skip the part where psycho lunatic Tuco, you know, comes and steals my drugs and leaves me bleeding to death.

Jesse: Four pounds. Four pounds – like two pounds wasn't bad enough. We're talking two – three-hundred boxes of sinus pills. There ain't that many Smurfs in the world.

Walter: We're not going to need pseudoephedrine. We're going to make phenylacetone in a tube furnace, then we're going to use reductive amination to yield methamphetamine. Four pounds.

Jesse: So no pseudo?

Walter: No pseudo.

Jesse: So you do have a plan! Yeah Mr. White! Yeah science!

[Walter is making home-made thermite in Jesse's kitchen for the purpose of stealing methylamine.]

Jesse: And that'll cut through a lock? Because this is supposed to be one big-ass lock.

Walter: In World War II, the Germans had an artillery piece – it's the biggest in the world – called the Gustav Gun, and it weighed a thousand tons. And the Gustav was capable of firing a seven-ton shell and hitting a target, accurately, twenty-three miles away. [chuckles] I mean, you could drop bombs on it every day for a month without ever disabling it. But, drop a commando – one man, with just a bag of this – and he could melt right through four inches of steel and destroy that gun forever.

[He tosses the bag of thermite to Jesse, who flinches as he catches it.]

Jesse: Jeez.

Walter: So yes, I think it'll cut through any lock we're likely to find.

[Walter and Jesse meet Tuco and his men at the junkyard with their new meth]

Tuco: What is this shit? This is blue.

Walter: We used a different chemical process, but it is every bit as pure.

Jesse: It may be blue, but it's the bomb.

Tuco: [snorts meth] Tight! Tight, tight, yeah! Oh, blue, yellow, pink. Whatever, man. Just keep bringing me that.

No-Doze: [weighing the bag of meth] Four point six.

Tuco: Uh! Come on. [Gonzo hands the money to Walter and Jesse] What did I say, man? This guy can cook! You're alright, man. You're alright. We're going to make a lot of money together.

No-Doze: [with a lot of attitude] Just remember who you're working for.

Tuco: [angered, he turns and faces him] What did you say?

No-Doze: I'm just saying they got to know that they're working for you.

Tuco: Like they don't already know that? Are you saying they're stupid?

No-Doze: No, I'm just...I'm just saying.

Tuco: Oh yeah, so you're not saying they're stupid. So I don't understand. Are you saying that I'm stupid?

No-Doze: No, come on, Tuco. I'm just...I'm just saying.

Tuco: No, you're just speaking for me! Like I ain't got the goddamn sense to speak for myself! Is that it? Is that what you're doing?

Walter: Tuco. Tuco, hey, why don't we just all relax, huh?

Tuco: [laughs] Heisenberg says "relax". Orale, holmes. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

[Tuco punches No-Doze in the face. Tuco proceeds to punch him over and over while he is on the ground, leaving him bloody and possibly dead]

Tuco: [showing off his bloody knuckles] Damn, man! Look at that! Look! Yeah, that's messed up! Okay, Heisenberg! Next week. [chuckles]

[Tuco and Gonzo drive off with No-Doze's bloody body. Walter and Jesse look at each other in horror]

Tony Montana: You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

[Tony shoots]

Tony Montana: What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!

Tony Montana: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.

Tony Montana: The only thing in this world that gives orders... is balls.

Tony Montana: I never fucked anybody over in my life didn't have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one. Do you understand? That piece of shit up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. But that's history. I'm here, he's not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it. You don't, then you make a move.


	10. Chapter 10 Out of Toner

Blossom: Gee, I sure hope we can find a trail.

[After changing everyone in Townsville into dogs with the Anubis Head]

Mojo Jojo: All right, you flea-bitten curs! Heel! I, Mojo Jojo, am your master, and you shall obey my commands like the dogs you are! Because I am your master, it is I who you will obey! Obeying commands is what you will do! I will give you commands, and you will obey them!

Blossom: Not so fast...

Buttercup: Mojo...

Bubbles: Jojo!

[The Girls are changed into dogs]

Mojo Jojo: Too late, Powerpuffs! Or should I say, "Power-pups"?

Narrator: THE CITY OF TOWNSVILLE IS ON FIRE!

Mugger: [Holding an old woman at gunpoint] Uh... everybody freeze or the old lady gets it!

[The crowd gasps in terror]

Major Man: Halt, vile villain, or taste the bitter flavor of justice that Major Man will serve you!

Buttercup: [Sing-song voice] Cor-ny!

[The crowd shushes her.]

Narrator: It appears our Girls are being secretly monitored. But by who? [upon seeing who it is, he is suddenly scared] Oh, no! Not... I- I- I can't say it! This is a villain so evil, so sinister, so horribly vile, that even the utterance of his name strikes fear into the hearts of men! The only safe way to refer to this king of darkness is simply... Him!

Him: [watching the monster being beaten up by the Girls, he speaks in an effeminate voice] Oh, snake beast. You didn't destroy them at all, did you? How could the Powerpuff Girls [speaks in a demonic voice] humiliate you [effeminate] so completely, hmm?

Bubbles: I hate it when you guys fight.

[Him, hearing what Bubbles said from his television, rewinds what she said a couple of times before grinning evilly]

Him: [effeminate] Yes! Yes! [demonic] Well, I love it when you girls fight! [effeminate] I think you should fight more often. Oh, Bubbles, don't cry, little one. I'm here for you. [chuckles]

Bubbles: Oh, I don't like arguing. Why can't we all just get along, instead of fighting and arguing?

[A voice suddenly comes from Bubbles' toy, Octi]

Octi: Bubbles... Bubbles...

Bubbles: Who said that? [gasp] Octi?

Octi: Yes, Bubbles. I can talk. And I heard what you were saying about your sisters. You're right, Bubbles. It's wrong for them to fight.

Bubbles: You are talking!

Octi: Yes, Bubbles. Come closer so I can tell you more. Let's not listen to that anymore. Listen, in my opinion, Blossom is being far too bossy for her own good.

[The camera pulls back to reveal Him in his lair, speaking through a microphone; he is the voice inside Octi]

Him: [in a whisper voice] In fact, I think that Buttercup should be in charge. Yeah, that's it. Bubbles, you should talk to Buttercup and tell her that she should be running the show.

Narrator: Oh, what did I tell you about Him? Evil... evil, pure and simple!

Him: [Watching Blossom and Buttercup fight, speaking in his Octi voice] Well, I suppose it was inevitable. I always knew they wouldn't last... [Speaking normally in effeminate voice] on the same team! With Blossom and Buttercup busy fighting, Bubbles doesn't stand a chance! [Cackles demonically]

Bubbles: Oh, Octi, now they're fighting more than ever. I'm so confused. Octi, tell me what to do. Octi? Why don't you say something?

Him: [Speaking through Octi in his Octi voice] Stupid little girl!

Bubbles: Huh?

'[Octi turns red and begins to grow into a giant. Him's voice is heard]

Him: [effeminate] They're fighting because of you, because you believe your toys can really talk, and you actually do what they tell you to do.

Bubbles: I know that voice. You're...Him!

Him: Very good. I'm flattered! But thank you, Bubbles. Thank you for helping me break up the Powerpuff Girls once and for all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go [demonic] AND DESTROY THE WORLD!

[Bubbles confronts Him in his giant Octi form]

Bubbles: Stop! You used me!

Him: [effeminate] Oh, is that what I did?

Bubbles: That's not fair!

Him: No, it isn't. Neither is [demonic] THIS!

[He grabs Bubbles with his tentacle]

Narrator: The city of Townsville! And what a beautiful city she is, full of- [A phone rings] Oh, excuse me. [Answers phone] Uh... hello?

Ace: [Over phone] Yeah, listen, jerkface, you good for nothin' toad!

Narrator: You can't talk to me like that!

Ace: [Over phone] How 'bout this? I THINK YOU STINK! I CAN SMELL YA OVER THE PHONE!

Narrator: Why I oughta... WHO IS THIS?! [The caller hangs up] Hello?! Hello?!

[The Girls break into Mojo Jojo's lair and beat him up]

Mojo Jojo: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF- [they shove the back of his chair down onto him, then throw him against the wall]

Blossom: Don't play dumb! We know you've got some evil plot underway!

Mojo Jojo: What are you talking about?

Buttercup: Oh, like you don't have a giant robot ready to smash Townsville!

Mojo Jojo: No.

Blossom: [surprised] No diabolical plans to destroy the world?

Mojo Jojo: No.

Bubbles: [scared] Turning everyone into zombies to scare people?!

Mojo Jojo: Oh, for crying out loud, NO! I have no intentions of committing any crimes... today.

Blossom: Then what were you doing before we got here?

Mojo Jojo: Sleeping!

Buttercup: Before that!

Mojo: Reading the paper!

Blossom: [deflated] Oh. [long pause] Well... you better behave yourself, or we'll be back!

Mojo: [sarcastically] Oh goodness, I'd better not snore!

[The Girls have just broken into Him's lair to find him doing aerobics]

Him: [effeminate voice] Hello, girls! What a pleasant surprise! Ooh, what's the occasion?

Blossom: Uh, we were wondering...

Him: How I stay so fit? Well, now you know!

Blossom: Uh, no, actually. Did you do anything evil today?

Him: No, not today. Why do you ask?

Blossom: No reason, just wondering.

Him: This figure doesn't come easy, you know. I took a little time off to get into shape.

Blossom: So, you haven't been...?

Him: Nope!

Blossom: [Chuckling nervously] Okay, I guess we'll see you later.

Him: I guess you will.

Blossom: Okay, bye, then.

[The Girls fly off]

Him: Goodbye, girls! Come back soon! Goodbye...

Mojo Jojo: Alright, alright, Fuzzy, I heard you the first time... I know.[the line beeps] I kn... hold on, Fuzzy. There is someone on the other line.

Him: [To Mojo Jojo on the phone; demonic voice] Mojo! It's me... [effeminate voice] Him!

Mojo Jojo: Yes, sir! What is it?

Him: [demonic] You wouldn't believe what just happened!

Mojo Jojo: The Powerpuff Girls just broke in unexpected?

Him: WHAT?! How did you know?!

Mojo Jojo: The same thing happened to me and Fuzzy Lumpkins. He's on the other line.

Him: Well, put him on!

[Mojo puts Fuzzy on the line]

Fuzzy Lumpkins: [shaking with fury] BUSHWHACKED IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!

Him: This is an outrage!

Mojo Jojo: You are right! We are all citizens! Evil citizens, but citizens nonetheless!

Fuzzy Lumpkins: BIRTHDAY SUIT! [Cries]

Him: We should complain!

Mojo Jojo: But to whom?

Big Billy: Hello?

Him: [demonic voice] I demand to speak with The Mayor!

Big Billy: He's not here right now. Can I take a massage?

Him: Do you know when he'll be back?

Big Billy: Uh...I don't know. See, Grubber tricked the Mayor into leaving so we could break in and use the Powerpuff hotline to make crank calls.

Him: Huh?! [effeminate voice] You don't say. Well, to whom might I be speaking?

Big Billy: Uh, this is Billy.

Him: Billy who?

Big Billy: Big Billy from the Gangrene Gang. Who is this? [Him hangs up the phone] Hello?

[A crash suddenly shakes the room, snapping the Gangrene Gang awake. Him, Mojo Jojo, and Fuzzy Lumpkins have come in, looking enraged]

Him: So, you guys like to make [demonic] crank calls?!

[Him, Mojo, and Fuzzy quickly beat up the Gangrene Gang]

Narrator: Those little scamps are so adorable! How we just love the Powerpuff Girls!

[Him is in a bathtub, looking angry]

Him: [effeminate voice] Oh, how I [demonic] HATE THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!

Narrator: Hate the Powerpuff Girls?! Who could hate the...? Oh, no. Please don't let it be...Him!

Him: [effeminate] Oh, Powerpuff Girls, save us! Oh, Powerpuff Girls, we need you! Oh, Powerpuff Girls, we love you! [demonic] Powerpuff Girls! Powerpuff Girls! POWERPUFF GIRLS! [Looks at a rubber ducky; effeminate] Oh, Mr. Quackers, am I the only one who [demonic] hates those [effeminate] miserable little brats? [Squeaks his ducky] You hate them, too? Oh, I knew I could count on you! But how can I possibly beat them with all that [demonic] love surrounding them?! [Squeaks his ducky; effeminate] What's that you say? [Squeaks his ducky again] Yes! [demonic] That's brilliant! [effeminate] Oh, Mr. Quackers, you are so smart. Quite a positively evil scheme you've hatched. And I'll finally be rid of those girls... [demonic] FOREVER!

Him: [effeminate] Poor, ususpecting Townsville, all snug in your beds. Unaware of the evil that lurks above your heads. And so, with a flick of my wrist and a twirl of my claw, I'll be rid of those girls once and [demonic] for all.

Buttercup: Wow, this has turned out to be one freaky day.

Bubbles: Yeah. Something strange is going on.

Narrator: [affected by Him's evil gas and yelling] Aw, for crying out loud, WOULD YOU THREE SHUT UP FOR ONCE?! Always griping and moaning about something! Sheesh, you give me a headache!

[All the citizens of Townsville, all affected by Him's evil gas, are cornering the Powerpuff Girls, preparing to destroy them]

Buttercup: Why are you people doing this?!

Bubbles: Don't you love us anymore?

Blossom: Yeah, you act as if you, as if you...

Him: [offscreen; effeminate] Hate you?

Blossom: Yeah! Hate us! [Realizes who responded to her question] Wait, who said that?

[Him appears]

Him: Why, I did, of course.

Powerpuff Girls: [gasp in horror] It's Him!

Him: [demonic] Right you are, girls! [Appears in front of the Professor; effeminate] And right you are about your loved ones.

[He licks the Professor's face]

Blossom: Take your claws off of the Professor!

Bubbles: What's he ever done to you?

Him: Oh, it's not what he's done to me, but what he's going to do [demonic] to YOU! [effeminate] You see, I've taken all of their love for you and [his head rotates] tuuuuuurned... it into... [demonic] HATE! [The girls gasp in horror; effeminate] Now they will destroy you. [demonic] And you poor, helpless creatures won't be able to fight back. [effeminate] Because the Powerpuff Girls would never hurt the ones they love. Oh, no, they wouldn't! [demonic] NOW DESTROY THEM!

[The people of Townsville, affected by Him's evil gas, are battling with the Powerpuff Girls, who are on the losing end, until Buttercup rises and knocks the mob away with one punch, stunning Him]

Buttercup: Come on, you guys! Get up and fight!

Blossom: Buttercup, what are you doing? We can't hurt the ones we love.

Buttercup: Those people aren't our loved ones. Our loved ones would never want to hurt us!

Blossom and Bubbles: [getting the point] Hey, yeah!

Buttercup: [points to Him] They're just pawns in his evil scheme!

Him: [giggles; effeminate] Well, you know...

Buttercup: Which means...

Powerpuff Girls: Let's get 'em!

Him: [frowns] Uh-oh.

[After the Powerpuff Girls defeat their loved ones and rid them of Him's evil gas, they confront Him]

Blossom: Don't ever make us have to do that again!

Buttercup: Or it will be your last!

Him: [effeminate] Tsk, tsk, tsk. You girls underestimate me. I never give repeat performances. But I assure you, I'll be back!

Professor Utonium: How many times have I told you girls not to keep barging in like that? [turns around, looking scary] IT'S NOT NICE!

[at the hospital]

Blossom: So now you know why we had to do what we did. We all feel really bad, and hope that you'll forgive us.

Bubbles: Besides, it hurt us a lot more than it hurt you.

Citizens: Well now, we wouldn't say that! (all laughing)

Narrator: (laughing, then groaning) Don't worry. We forgive you. So once again, the day is saved, thanks to The Powerpuff Girls! Oh, nurse, isn't it time for my sponge bath?

Buttercup: EAT THIS, PASTE EATER!

Loyd & Floyd: Hey dude...

Mitch Mitchelson: What!

Loyd & Floyd: Dude... Dude...

Blossom: You know what you have to do!

Buttercup: No! Anything but that!

Blossom: Buttercup!

Buttercup: No, no, no, no, no! All right! ELMER!

Elmer: Huh?

Buttercup: Uh…I-I-I'm…s-s-s-so-s-s-so-o-o…o-o-r-r…r-r-r-ry!

Elmer: (normal voice) Wh-wh-what?

Buttercup: I'm…sorry if I picked on you, and…I'm sorry if I called you a…paste eater.

Buttercup: [To Elmer, who has turned into a giant paste monster, and is covered in flour; sing-song voice] You can't stick to me! You can't stick to me! Nyah nyah nyah-nyah-

[Elmer grows a hole in his stomach and Buttercup flies through it]

Buttercup: -Nyah?

Bubbles: [Picks up the phone] Hello?

Mojo Jojo: Hello. May I speak to Professor Utonium?

Bubbles: Who shall I say is calling?

Mojo Jojo: Oh, no one he'd know, just a curious stranger.

[Pause]

Bubbles: [Yelling] PROFESSOR! There's a stranger on the phone!

Professor: [picking up the phone] Hello, Mr. Stranger, what can I do for you?

Mojo Jojo: Oh. [Clears throat] Ah, hi, I'm calling from Townsville Community College and I'm doing a report on the Powerpuff Girls, and I was wondering, what exactly are those little girls made of?

Professor: Ah, oh, well, the Powerpuff Girls. Oh, let's see now, eight cups of sugar, a pinch of spice, one tablespoon of everything nice, and, now this one's important: accidentally add a drop of Chemical X. And voila!

Mojo Jojo: That's it? I mean, wow. Thanks.

Professor: I also have a great recipe for pound-

[Mojo hangs up]

Mojo Jojo: Let's see, snips and snails and a puppy dog's tail . . . all that leaves is Chemical X. There must be something around here with that potency. Aha! [it's a stinky toilet] Yes, definitely Chemical X!

[After creating three Puff-esque boys, Mojo hugs them in a fatherly manner]

Mojo Jojo: Ah, my children!

Brick: [grabs him threateningly] Hands off! Who do you think you are anyway, Pops?!

Mojo Jojo: Why, yes, I am your father, children!

Boomer: Hey! We ain't no babies!

Rowdyruff Boys: WE'RE THE ROWDYRUFF BOYS!

Boomer: Boomer!

Brick: Brick!

Butch: Butch!

Brick: We're here to kick some butt! And since yours is the only one around, we're gonna start with you!

Mojo Jojo: Oh, no, boys. You don't want to kick my butt; my butt is as rotten as yours. What you want are butts settled on the throne of justice!

The Rowdyruff Boys: Yeah!

Mojo Jojo: Butts planted in the soil of nobility!

The Rowdyruff Boys: Yeah!

Mojo Jojo: Butts nestled between the pillars of peace and love! The butts you want to kick are the butts of the Powerpuff Girls!

The Rowdyruff Boys: Let's get 'em!

Brick: Hey! What's wrong with you girls?! You're supposed to start crying when we hit ya!

Boomer: Yeah!

Blossom: What are you guys, new?

Bubbles: Yeah! We're the Powerpuff Girls!

Buttercup: And it takes a lot more than a couple of cheap shots to make us cry!

Brick: [smirking] Well, then. I guess we'll just have to serve it up...

[Bubbles is thrown through a shop window]

Mr. Cooper: Bubbles, are you ok?

Bubbles: Yeah. Sorry about your window, Mr. Pooper.

Mr. Cooper: It's Cooper! COOPER!

The Mayor: And furthermore, every Wednesday shall be pretzel day! [Blossom is thrown against the window of his office] Hello Blossom! [She slides down] Goodbye, Blossom. [Bubbles is thrown against the window of his office] Hello Bubbles! [She slides down] Goodbye, Bubbles. [Buttercup is thrown against the window of his office] Hello Buttercup! [She slides down] Goodbye, Buttercup. What sort of pretzels do you suppose the girls like, Bavarian, or tiny twists?

Miss Bellum: Sir, I think the girls may be in trouble.

The Mayor: Whatever makes you say that?

[After the Rowdyruff Boys zoom past the Powerpuff Girls, the exhaust leaves the Girls weakened and coughing]

Butch: Good thing we had those burritos for lunch!

Boomer: [laughs] Yeah, dude!

Brick: [snickers] Word! [fiercely] NOW LET'S FINISH THOSE SISSIES!

Miss Bellum: What do little boys fear more than anything in the world?

Bubbles: Bugs!

Buttercup: No, Bubbles, that's what you're afraid of.

Bubbles: Oh, yeah.

[After the Girls magically kiss the Rowdyruff Boys, destroying them]

Mojo Jojo: Curse you again, Powerpuff Girls! I'll be back, but next time I will not be defeated! It is you who will be defeated! And when you are defeated, it is you who will have lost!

Narrator: Oh, Mojo, shut up!

Blossom: I kinda liked kissing.

Bubbles: Yeah!

[She and Blossom giggle]

Blossom: How about you, Buttercup?

[Buttercup starts spitting in disgust]

Buttercup: Yuck! Buck!

[Blossom and Bubbles laugh]

[After defeating Mojo]

Buttercup: Give it up, Mo-joke!

Bubbles: You will never defeat us. So there.

[She blows a raspberry at Mojo]

Blossom: [Resting her hands on her hips] The Powerpuff Girls never lose!

"It's Tuesday, on Tuesdays we multiply fractions for dessert. Nothing is sweeter than knowledge."

"No one man can own the Internet! I'd know, I've tried!"

"Thank you corrective dentistry!"

(after Timmy took Chester's emergency kit) "Tell me I'm pretty!"

"Go A.J. Go A.J.!"

hahasaahah

Anti-Cosmo

"Oh, Anti-Wanda, how I do love you, but you are such a twit!"

"You're our hero. Our big and stupid hero!"

"You ignorant boob!"

Chester McBadbat

"Boys like comic books; girls like dolls. Boys like video games; girls like makeup. We're DIFFERENT! THAT'S WHY WE HAVE DIFFERENT BATHROOMS! (sees Veronica in the boys' bathroom because there is no girls' bathroom) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!"

(after Timmy sees Chester's mailbox broken on the ground and says: "Isn't that your mailbox?") "NOT AGAIN!"

"OH NO! There is a tornado, and I live in a trailer park! Oh, they told me this would happen, BUT I DIDN'T BELIEVE THEM!

(disguised as a girl so he and A.J. can avoid couple-skating) You better call me after this.

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch the hands!"

"Those tickets were impossible to get! I know, I've tried!"

A.J.: "Look at all the cheese he ate in fourth grade!" Chester:"No wonder he was constipated the entire year!"

(in his torn Squirrel Scouts uniform, facing off with a coyote) "And now, you're about to get your "Beaten By A Chester" badge."

"The meat is more sweet when flattened on the street."

"NOOOO! I'm allergic to girls!"

"Girls give me the hives!"

"Chester McBadbat, ace photographer, always gets his shot."

Chet Ubetcha

"I'm Chet Ubetcha saying _".

"Bottom of the Ninth. Bases loaded. One out to go. I'm extremely handsome."

"And now I'm off to run a marathon!"

(when Crocker takes over the world) "This is Chet Ubowdown, reminding you...to bow down!"

(when Timmy wished for a life size action figure which tried to destroy the city) "It's Doomsday in Dimmsdale, I mean Doomsdale! On other news people are flipping over Flipsie! :(Flipsie barks) "Man, I never get tired of that!"

"In other newsi'm being attacked by a racoon!"

Cosmo

"What's wrong with being naked in public?"

[sniffs the air] "Wow! Freedom stinks."

[referring to Philip] "It's a girl nickel!"

""We" can refer to anything, we three, we the people and my favorite wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

[singing] "And I know I'm stupid I know I'm dim and even though I've just eaten I know I'll swim."

[After Wanda says "pudding"] "She said "pu" and then "ding"!" [laughs hysterically]

[right after Vicky cries for help] "Sorry, the secret word was "pie"." [throws pie in Vicky's face]

"Uh, Binky did it! TO THE ESCAPE POD!" (rocket flies up and then goes down and crashes)

"Ah...good times, good times..."

"And corn is niceeee"

"A nickel! Mine!"

"I hope he wishes for pudding!"

"Oh, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! What about my needs!?"

"I regret nothing!"

"There's still enough pretty color left for one of us to slide down the rainbow bridge! Wow! There wasn't a single manly word in that sentence!"

[To Wanda] "Do you mind?! Your disembodied head is nag nag nagging next to my severed ear!"

"Ha! I'm licking the popcorn so I don't have to share it!"

" To much clogging!"

" I like monkeys!" (head flattens)

" Whoo Whoo Baby! Whoo Whoo!"

" Let's do the nag! You nag it to the left! You nag to the right! Come on everybody let's Nag tonight! I'm a livin' doll!"

" Ducky!"

" Wanda! You have some explain' to do!

" Uh... Babbaloo?"

[The Cosmo Show] "It's a show about nothing! How do we know when it's finished?"

"Phillip!"

"I'm not bright, big words confuse me, I have the attention span of a rodent and Wanda loves me anyway!"

"Czzcht! Czzcht! Uh, you're Czzcht! breaking up. I'm going through a tunnel! This tunnel's itchy." [Calling Wanda while being swarmed with cockroaches]

"I LIKE PIE!"

Timmy "I have good news and bad news." King Gripullon "What's the good news?" Cosmo "I named my nickle Philip!" King Gripullon "And the bad news?" Cosmo "It's a girl nickle!"

"Nothing like the smell of hot garbage and roasting biceps on a summer day in January!"

Crimson Chin

"Justice!"

"You mispelled 'Chin'" [To Timmy]

"Of all my muscles, my brain is one of them!"

"Without gravity, we'd float into space!"

"Justice, thy name is Chin!"

"By my mother's mandible!"

"H2Olga! Don't look, she's not nice"

"Every Chin needs a Cleft."

Dad

"Oh Vicky, I've come for my money back. Because Double-T says you stink."

"Why don't I get to go to the nice clink?!"

"We're making a movie called 'Stupid Questions Our Son Asked Us'!"

"Now we're making a sequel! It's called, 'Stupid Questions Our Son Asked Other People'!"

"Must commit evil deeds...Must leave lousy tip...under fifteen percent!... And then I'll send my dinner back, even though it's exactly what I ordered!"

"Why do I have to eat "mold merial" (cold cereal) while he's eating maffles (waffles)?" (Mom pulls a rope; dumping multiple boxes of cereal on top of him) "Oooh, a prize!

"DINKLEBURG!"

"DINKLEBOT!"

CURSE YOU DINKLEBURG!

"Gah? He's Norwegi-licious!"

"Gotta run, son! I have a big meeting on how to plan big meetings!"

(Examining Cosmo dressed as Timmy)"Warm?! Green?! Those are all the symptoms of steamed broccoli! Get the thermometer...and the salad shooter!"

"We're getting Dimmy award-winning gold here, and Trixie will totally talk to us!

"Electricity bills are for squares... LIKE PANTS!"

"Hey, my favorite shirt!... You (Mom) said it was stolen by Canadians!"

"Hey, I had a dream where I was you but with a better voice. And there was peanut butter, everywhere!

"Hey, nice door! If they made a pencil out of it, it would be a #1!"

"Pants are for squares!"

"Egad!"

(crowd) "WE WANT CHIP!" (Dad) "OR ELSE!"

[Mr. Turner is being eaten by a dragon] "It looks and feels like I'm getting real third degree burns! Ow! I mean, neat!"

"He's GOERGEOUS!" (talking about Mr. Crocker)

"Eureka! I think I've broken my Eureka!"

(Waving his arms in the air to Timmy) This is not a bulldozer! (Pretends to ride a bike) This is not a fudgesicle! (Rows on the floor backwards) And how is this Ghostbusters 2?!

"I'll just feel like a woman named Linda." (Puts on lipstick)

"Timmy-O's? Those are for pack mules!"

"And this is where I put a trophy. IF I HAD ONE!"

Denzel Crocker

" FAIRY GODPARENTS! "

"F! F's FOR EVERYONE!"

"Good news, Turner, you've taken F to a new level! I'm going to give you A SUPER F!"

"Those people would assume it's the work of the hacker..."

"If they survive, they're FAIRIES! If they don't, I have TENURE!"

"There's only one explanation: Turner must have ignored Tootie's multiple birthday invitations, thus ruining her birthday. Feeling guilty, he impulsively loans her his FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

"Is it a D? Is it an E? No! It's Super F!"

"It's an F-a-palooza! All you can eat F's!"

"FAIRIES!" (also said by Dad)

"Curse this obsolete one month old technology!"

"Hey, Turner exploded! That's one less mouth to teach!"

[Principal Waxelplax has locked everyone inside the classroom] "No! I can't be locked in a room with children! I'm not a people person! I'm barely a person!" [ducks behind his desk] "HELP!"

Denzel Crocker: "Stupid two bit room! Stupid two bit van! Stupid two bit life!" Crocker's Mom: "Denzel! Would you like your stupid two bit dessert? I made your stupid two bit favorite!"

Denzel Crocker:"Timmy Turner, he's.."

Both Norm The Genie and : "[both saying it happily] MY MORTAL ENEMY!" (Back To The Norm)

(to Jimmy Neutron) Another reality avoidance costume, eh Turner? Very well. Since you're clearly Timmy Turner, here's your daily F!"

Jimmy: "AHHHHH! An F! IT BURNS, Auggggh!"

"Good news children, the F's are in! Mmmm, smell those hot, fresh F's!"

"What? This is impossible! A.J. got every answer wrong! This is the kind of grade I would expect to give Turner... who got an A! This has to be the work of... FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

"High marks for the Death-to-Turner motif."

"Goodnight Mother! I'm off to hunt fairies...disguised as aliens!"

"Excuse me while I hit my head while changing all of Turner's F's to A. OW! A! OW! A! OW! A!"

(While high on sugar, extremely fast )"F, F, F, F, F, A for AJ, F! And now I'm off to run a marathon! But first...FAIRY GODPARENTS! FAIRY GODPARENTS! FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

Head Pixie

And I'm surrounded by people who tell me what I want to hear. Watch." [Dials Pixies] "Who's the greatest?" Pixies "You are, sir" HP "Suck-ups." [Pixies grin]

Jimmy Neutron

"AHHHHH! An F! IT BURNS, Auggggh!"

"To Retroville!" (ends up in Timmy's room every time.)

(To Cosmo and Wanda) My name's not Timmy Turner! I'm Jimmy. Jimmy Neutron.

Jorgen Von Strangle

"Well, no plan is perfect"

"Tough toenails, Binky!"

"There's only one thing to do: blame Wanda, and hit you! (Binky)"

"I don't have too many friends, okay? You punch them once and it's 'Please don't punch me any more'"

"Being buff means nothing if I don't have my lady's love!"

"You have a problem with that?"

"My mighty muscles spun the board too hard. I'll call you back when it stops. Until then, have a nice millennium!"

[Blows up Cosmo & Wanda]

(At Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda) DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

"I know that you are upset, and also on fire but let me explain something..."

(In the F.L.A.R.G. episode after Mark Chang blows up Fairy world) "Which one of you is responsible for this mess?"

"Scrambling the fairies? I LOVE SCRAMBLING THE FAIRIES!"

"Hey, stop! (to Calamitous) You must reconsider! Or at least come closer so I could bite you!"

"SCRAMBLE THE FAIRIES!"

"Life better with you? Ask the brace-less Chester, the boil-less Elmer, and the World Series Champion Chicago Cubs!"

"That's so funny! Even my muscles are laughing!"

"Someone is about to wish for the B word! (Timmy Turner, Cosmo and Wanda poof in front of him) Oh, Turner... Big suprise..."

"Aha! That is where you are wrong!"

"That is where you are wrong again, Timmy Turner! Your wish will come true, but this is only ..."

(Timmy interrupts) ."..the beginning, bla bla bla... have no idea what I've done blah blah you'll be watching me blah blah."

Princess Mandie

"It's Man-DIE! And nobody leaves me at the altar! NOBODY!

"You! Prepare to accept wedded bliss... OR EAT HOT PLASMA!

"Now, marry me...OR DIE!"

"I know you're out there, Mark Chang! I'm waiting for you... VIOLENTLY!"

"I'm back!"

"Its time to play Hide And Go Die!"

"Mark, darling! Did you miss me?! Because this time I'm not going to miss you!"

"It was an apple."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! IS THERE ANYTHING IN THIS BUILDING THAT ISN'T MADE OUT OF SUGARY, JELLY-FILLED, DEEP-FRIED DOUGH?!"

"What just happened?"

Mark Chang

"NON-PUNY HUMANS, I'm outta here!"

"My untimely death has, like, untimely come!"

[appears in front of the White House] "I'm back! A hostile alien bent on taking over the world!" [Secret Service officers handcuff him] "I mean, a harmless Girl Scout! Who wants cookies?"

Timmy: Dude, if you're gonna be a human, you gotta eat school food.

Mark Chang: (eating out of a trash can) "Wait... *gritty whispery voice* Government food... OH! Is there no end to your delicacies?!"

The "R" day of F.L.A.R.G.: No, you don't eat it, I eat it, get sick, and blow huge 'intergalactic chunks at my gracious host.' (to Timmy) That's you."

AAAHH! THE CUTENESS! IT BURNS!

AWWWW, I would make a RIGHTEOUS PIXIE!

Vicky: Now start spreading that (cow manure) on the flower bed.

Mark: (excited) A jumbo bag of cow manure?' WHY WOULD YOU BE WASTING THIS DELICIOUS TREAT ON SUCH HIDEOUS PETUNIAS?!

Mom

"If Chip doesn't get here soon, I'm going to punish our child for no reason!"

"We'd never forget your birthday, Tommy!"

"You know you're not allowed to touch the money, dear!"

"Oh, waah. Do you ever stop nagging?"

"I've gone ga-ga over Gah!"

"[Seeing Cosmo disguised as Timmy] "Oh sweetie, you feel warm. And you look positively green!"

"I better get the fish a thermometer too!"

"Yams! I should show them my yams!"

"Everything I touch dies!" (Everyone backs away.)

"I use the hideous and clearly dangerous things your father makes me because I love him, and it makes him happy!"

"You need to be more secure in your masculinity, like me!"

[to Trixie Tang] "Hey, that's a great costume! You look just like a bratty, stuck up, snotty little rich girl!"

"Oh, Internet, breakfast is ready!"

"And now it's fish wrap. Really NICE fish wrap."

Mr. and Mrs. Turner

Both: "Bye, School! Have a nice day at Timmy!"

Mom:: "That's the seventeenth bath this night, and he(Timmy) still smells like...Pheew-alien barf!

Dad:: "I've got some steel wool in the garage!"

Timmy:: "As long as my parents don't have to use the bathroom in the next 10 minutes I should be okay."

(cut to Mom and Dad at dining table)

Dad:: "Hey Honey, wanna challenge me to a water drinking contest?"

Mom:: "Okay, let me just add these chocolate laxatives to my High-Fiber-O's. And for added fun, let's make it prune juice."

Dad:: "PRUNE ME UP, BABY!"

Mom: "Was that the Dinkleberg's car?

Dad: "I hope so, that's what I was aiming for!" (both laugh)

Mom: "I punished Timmy by making him eat chocolate, which in retrospect, wasn't such a good punishment after all. "

Dad: "Unless it's that reindeer chocolate, eew!"

Dad: "Dinkleberg..."

Mom and Dad: (After Vicky accused Timmy of what she did) TIMMY!

Dad: (In Crocker's body) Narrow hips... hunch on back... ear on neck... peculiar tattoo... single kidney? I'm gorgeous!

Norm the Genie

[to Crocker] "Hold on there, Hunch Back of Never-Dated-A-Dame."

[to Crocker] "Seriously, have you ever *talked* to a girl?"

[about his hatred for Canada] "They've had it too good for too long."

[about wishing for more wishes to Crocker] We always tell them they can't, but actually, you can. We've been bluffing for centuries.

[to Crocker] You're not as stupid as I thought. Or maybe it's too soon to tell.

Timmy Turner

[repeated, right before disaster] "What could possibly go wrong!?"

"Boring conversation. Can't focus."

[Jimmy & Timmy shake each other's hands between universes] James Isaac 'Jimmy' Neutron: "Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius." Timmy Turner: "Timmy Turner... Boy."

"Hi. I'm Timmy. I have a short attention span and..." [walks away]

[to Dad] "No amount of therapy will ever make this moment okay."

[to Tootie] "It'll be our little secret... of LOOOOOOVE!"

"Awesome- boys fighting over me!"

"I don't care what my therapist says. I will always love you Trixie Tang!"

"Uhh, the internet!

"Internet!"

"I wish for.. [random wish every time]"

Tootie

"TIMMY!"

(first line) "Is that you Timmy!?"

"I'm so wet, you can't even see how much I'm crying!"

"Why won't you give my love a chance?"

[Timmy is being jeered by every girl at his school] Fat girl: "Who'd want to be HIS valentine?" Tootie: "I WOULD! I think he's dreamy!"

Timmy: "Tootie, I'm gonna kick myself for this tomorrow, but... Tootie, would you be my valentine?" Tootie: "Yes! YES! YES!"

[to Francis] "You leave Timmy Turner, my one true love, alone you big gray bully!"

"You're here? In my house? My Timmy Tracker must be malfunctioning."

"You trashed Vicky's room! You've done what I've always dreamed of, and never had the courage to do! You're my hero! Even if you are in a dress..."

[speaking through Timmy's You Doo doll] "I love Tootie, she's smart, she's funny, and she's so much prettier than anyone, especially that icky yucky Trixie!"

"Your holding my hand!"

"Your holding my hand again!"

"Timmy! I gotta go potty!... Oops, no I don't!"

"Don't hurt him! He hired all these actors and rented out this whole stadium all because of me! I love him more than ever!"

Tootie: "Don't worry! Your parents will be here to pick you up any minute!"

Timmy: "How did you know that?"

Tootie: "I didn't tap your phones!"

Dark Laser: "Aren't you too young for lipstick?"

Tootie: "Don't push my buttons bub, and I won't push yours."

"Hi Timmy! I just got my mouth to mouth resuscitation badge!"

"Now pucker up, LOVER BOY!"

"I don't care what my therapist says, I will always love you Timmy Turner!"

"Kiss me, you fool!"

Trixie Tang

"Hello empty bus seat."

"Oh my gosh! I just realized I'm totally in love with rock stars!"

"You're rejecting me? Oh my gosh! I'm so into you now! I'm going to leave 1,000 messages on your answering machine!"

"Tell me I'm pretty!"

"I'm ignoring you. I said I'm ignoring you! STOP IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU!"

"He's so unfeeling! That makes him cool!"

(under You-doo) "I-think-I'll-sit-here-with-my-favorite-pink-hatted-buck-toothed-loser".

"Get away from me! You're a monster! A totally hot MONSTER!"

"I knew it! You were trying to gnaw your own arm off in a desperate attempt at freedom!"

(observing that she and Timmy are the only two people on Earth) "But... that means there are less people around to adore me... I NEED SOMEONE TO ADORE ME!"

(going crazy after Timmy goes to the bathroom) "Where did you go?" Don't lie to me. Who's in there? What's her name? TELL ME I'M PRETTY!"

"LOVE HURTS! And it makes a fine mulch for your lawn or garden."

"Missiles sold separately!?"

"I missed you, Timmy. Did you miss me? WHERE DID YOU GOOOOOO!?"

Trixie: "WHY AREN'T YOU HERE COMPLIMENTING ME?!"

Timmy: "I just did.."

Trixie: "NOT IN THAT LAST SENTENCE!"

"Timmy! You've killed my seemingly harmless plant! You are SO not my boyfriend!"

Veronica

[blinded by Timmy's shiny teeth] "MY EYES! My perfect blue eyes!"

[about Timmy's sudden popularity] "Trixie! It's a trap! See, I told you, I knew!" *looks around crazily*

[about Timmy] "Actually, my love for him burns with the white-hot intensity with of a thousand suns, but I can't let Trixie know that."

"Call me Trixie! TRIXIE!"

"I AM TRIXIE!"

"How many pink hatted, buck toothed losers does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"I'm Hawk Gal! I can fly at speeds of 20 and 40 miles per hour and have all the powers of a hawk and a girl!"

[Timmy reading Veronica's mind in Mind Over Magic] "Why ISN'T that loser talking to me?"

"What do you think of my new outfit? It's made of tissue paper, sugar and powdered milk!"

"I still can't see, but those two kids sound really unpopular."

"Look who decided to wear clothes today. Hahahaha." [Timmy doesn't react] "Insults not working... AHHH!" [faints]

Vicky

[repeated, often screamed] "TWERP!"

Vicky:"All right twerp, time for bed!"

Timmy Turner: "But it's only six o'four!"

Vicky: "Well, it's nine o'four on the East Coast. BED!"

"Gah? What kind of name is Gah?"

"Gah-ah...! Playing hard to get only makes me want you more!"

"But I'm miserable. Why won't anybody believe me? I'm-(A large sundae appears) Ooh, vanilla!"

"[The actor playing Crash Nebula is] a hunksicle!"

"Hey! That punk's tryin' to steal the car I'm stealing!"

"Pick up the trash and the octopus!"

"Okay, I believe you. Try not to get trampled. Your screaming will disturb my quality 'Ignore Timmy' time."

"I ooze brilliance!"

"When I was eight, my mom said my turtle ran away. But he didn't run away, TURTLES CAN'T RUN!"

"When I get up there, you are going DOWN!"

"Knock, Knock! Heeeere's Vicky!"

"Check out the fun, destructive things you find lying around a stately mansion!"

"Today's episode is brought to you by the letter 'V'."

"I only wish that someday I can make the whole world this miserable!"

"Your temperature's normal, and so's your cholesterol. I want you to sit back and play mindless video games while I run and do those nasty chores, you cute little imp of a boy, you!"

(Practicing cheerleading) "Fe-fi-fo-fum, who's the girl who sucks her thumb? I am! I am! Why did I say that?"

(Again Cheerleading) "1, 2, 3, 4, I shoplift from every store!"

(Cheerleading) "I lie a lot, I cheat in school, I'm scared of cows but love being cruel! I pick my nose when no one looks, and wipe them in your history books!"

"I don't mean to be mean all the time. I just am."

"I'll be busy sleeping."

"Pink hat and buck teeth on a kid? Ewwwwwww! Pink hat and buck teeth on a Norwegian male supermodel? Yeahhh!"

"We have time for one more ride together: The Marriage-Go-Round!"

(Visibly sick) "Ugh...I don't ever want to see another piece of candy again." [Huge pile of candy falls on her] "IT BURNS!"

"You're not hiding anywhere! You have chores to do!"

"I'VE LOST MY NORWEGIAN SUPER MODEL!" Polar Bear: "And that's the password!"

"I had the greatest dream. I almost took over the world and destroyed everybody."

"Shut-up you little TWIT"

Wanda

"Thanks a lot, Mr. Contagious! Now I have the fairy flu!"

"Oh, shut up and kiss me, will you?"

"Oh blah, blah, blah...YOUR needs!"

"You bet me for a nickel?!"

"What's strange, that I'm not strangling Cosmo?"

"My Cosmo-is-about-to-make-Timmy-dead senses is tingling!"

"Two fairies had a thought in their head, had a bet to decide who'd I wed, But when during their bout, their big secret got out..." (Juandisimo) "...And now both of those morons are dead?"

"And here's Wanda with the news: Vicky's going to kill you when she finds out what you're up to!"

"The Double-T in the Morning show is brought to you by 'Vicky Stinks!' Remember: Vicky Stinks!"

"Oh, waah. Do you ever stop nagging?"

"I told you, You-Doo dolls are dangerous. [goes under You-Doo spell] But what the heck do I know? In fact, poof up a whole big box full of You-Doo dolls! And let's wish up more pudding for Cosmo! I'm a nag! Let's do the Nag Dance! [singing] You nag it to the left, You nag it to the right, I love to nag my husband all day and night!"

"Zappy fight! Oh, that's right: You don't have one!" (Wanda to Blonda)

"Whoever you are, you're going down" (Cosmo) "Whoever I am, no I'm not!"

"Cosmo, you idiot!"

"Cosmo, stop spinning the newspaper!"

"...Nag Nag Nag..."

Cosmo: I married the smart one!

Wanda: I married the- (pauses) -well, he's cute, right?

(To Timmy in "Just Desserts!") "Make the wish!"

[Judy puts a plate in front of someone]

Judy: Sorry about the toast, dear. I had to make it in the oven because I cannot find our toaster anywhere.

Hugh: Oh, looky. Well, this oven toast is brilliant, sugar booger. And the yolks are absolutely perfect, too. Run away with me, my love. (gasps when he reads the box)

Judy: Okay. But we have to take my car because you transmitter needs a new compression cup.

Hugh: Whatever. (peeks inside box to take out a prize toy duck) Oh. this is a good one. Quack quack quack. (chuckles)

Judy: Will you try calling Jimmy? He is going to miss the bus again.

Hugh: Jimmy! BREAKFAST! Time to come down! (sing-song with his toy duck) Down down down down down quack. Down down down down down quack quack.

[Sheen is up for show and tell at school]

Sheen: This is Ultra Lord!

(the class groans)

Ms. Fowl: Sheen. This is the seventh week in a row you've shown Ultra Lord in class!

Sheen: I'm sorry, Ms. Fowl... but this one is different! This "Purple Vengeance" edition with power fists and nuclear knees is in rare, never-before-seen condition; making it HIGHLY COLLECTIBLE!

Cindy: "Never-before-seen," huh? Well, then, how do you know it's even in there?

Sheen: Hmmmm...

(Sheen takes Ultra Lord out of the box and mockingly waves it in front of Cindy)

Sheen: Nyah-nyah.

(Cindy gives Sheen a smirk. Sheen suddenly frowns, realizing what he has done)

Sheen: NO!

Cindy: After class, I'll be happy to demonstrate how boy dinosaurs got their butts kicked by girl dinosaurs on a regular basis!

Carl: (takes out inhaler) This is my inhaler. It provides fast-acting relief of bronchial swelling due to asthma or allergies. One touch of the button and-(accidentally sprays his eyes) AAAAAAHHHHH! OH! I CAN'T SEE!

[Sheen notices a poster for Retroland theme park]

Sheen Juarerra Estevez: Hey! Hey! Retroland theme park! Check it out! [Takes poster off pole] "Meet Ultra Lord! Live!"

Jimmy Neutron: Oh look! [Takes poster from Sheen] Its the "State of the arts Gravity Rides!" [Sheen takes back poster]

Sheen Juarerra Estevez: I could hang out with Ultra Lord!

Carl Wheezer: [Takes poster] And there's a petting zoo!

Jimmy Neutron: [takes poster] But look at this!

Sheen Juarerra Estevez: [Takes poster] No! "Meet Ultra Lord live!"

Carl Wheezer: [Takes poster] Llamas and Capybaras!

Sheen Juarerra Estevez: Who cares!? "Meet Ultra Lord live!"

Carl Wheezer: [Dances in excitement] Yeah! But I'm going to touch a llama!

Judy: (calls from downstairs) Jimmy!

(Jimmy comes out of the fireplace.)

Jimmy: Hi, mom.

Judy: Oh! Oh, Jimmy, you scared the bajeebers out of me.

Jimmy: Oh, sorry about your bajeebers, Mom. And might I add how lovely you look today?

Judy: Jimmy, I'm covered in transmission fluid.

Jimmy: Exactly! And might I say filth never looked so good.

Judy: Yes. Well, how was show and tell today?

Jimmy: Was okay. But first, (pulls out bouquet of flowers) happy birthday, Mom!

Judy: (takes bouquet) Jimmy, these are beautiful! But sweetie, it's... not my birthday.

Jimmy: Oh, it's not? Well, (pulls out a pearl necklace and earrings) then whatever will I do with these lovely pearls and priceless earrings?

Judy: (takes necklace and earrings) These can't be real.

Jimmy: Oh, but they can, and they are! (snaps fingers and Goddard grows a speaker, disco ball, and spotlights with 40s style music playing) And all these fabulous gifts and prizes could be yours if you know the correct answer to this question: Please may I go to Retroland tonight?

Judy: (gives Jimmy bouquet) No. It's a school night.

Jimmy: Thank you so much mother! And might I say-(music stops) Did you just say no?

Jimmy: What good is it to be a genius if you can't even go out on a school night? Goddard, options.

Goddard: (viewing options after Jimmy gets grounded) Apologize, your parents love you.

Jimmy: (After some silence) Next.

Goddard: (viewing next option) Create a time capsule, escape to the future.

Jimmy: That'll take too long. Next.

Goddard: (viewing next option) Build Goddard a female poodle.

Jimmy: GODDARD! This is serious!

Goddard: (viewing next option) Sneak out.

King Goobot: Tell me. When did it come unacceptable to approach my royal throne UNANNOUNCED?!

Yokian Guard: Oh yes. Of course, my King.

King Goobot: SPACE HIM!

Yokian Guard: But, hey...

(Yokian Guard gets spaced out)

Ooblar: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!

(screaming)

Ooblar: Ohhhh!

(crash)

Ooblar: Oh, I missed it... Can I, can I space another?

King Goobot: No.

Ooblar: Oh, please, brother?

King Goobot: I said "No", Ooblar.

Ooblar: (sing-song) Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, Oh please, Oh please...

King Goobot: I would love for that to stop.

Ooblar: (continuing) Oh please, Oh please, Oh pleeeeaaassse. (spots the toaster) Oh, what have we here? (clears throat) As the king's royal assistant, I am the offical checker of the new things to be checked.

King Goobot: Ohh.

Ooblar: (plays with the toaster until the toast pops out) It's all right, it's all right! I'll handle this.

(starts to interact with the toast)

Ooblar: Hello!

(silence)

Ooblar: WHAT GALAXY ARE YOU FROM?!

King Goobot: Ooblar.

Ooblar: WHERE IS YOUR LEADER?!

King Goobot: Ooblar, stop it. It's toast.

Ooblar: Oh. (takes the toast) Hello, Toast! I greatly admire your ship

Sheen I'm peeing, in the shower!

[later]

Sheen I'm still doin' it! Go, go, go!

"My Clothes Don't Match" Kid: (singing) My clothes don't match, my clothes don't match! I'm out in public and my clothes don't match!

(Sheen emerges from a large pile of popcorn)

Sheen: What a battle. Are there any survivors? (falls back in the popcorn; his hand rises out; desprate) Help me.

(Jimmy sees a TV that says "KIDS SPECIAL REPORT.")

Oleander: (Arnie laughs and throws a piece of paper over Oleander's head) We interrupt this program to bring you this special report. (Arnie puts his hand on the camera and messes around with it) Hey, knock it off, Arnie! (clears throat) "Trouble in Paradise." (Arnie holds up two fingers behind Oleander's head) That's what some kids are saying in the aftermath of yesterday's "Mom and Dad are gone" celebrations. (the cameraman moves the camera away from Oleander; Oleander pops out) Here's Courtney Tyler. (chuckles)

Courtney Tyler: What started as an awesome day has become, like, a real bummer.

Kid #1: (runs past) Help us!

Kid #2: (runs past) I don't know how to make lunch!

Kid #3: (offscreen) I want my parents!

(Kid #1 runs up to the camera.)

Kid #1: Somebody hold me!

(Courtney Tyler is interviewing Nissa, who is holding her hurt knee.)

Nissa: I-I was playing on the teeter-totter, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground and my knee hurt!

Courtney Tyler: (clears throat) Reports of tummy aches, owies and constipation have reached epidemic numbers over the past few hours, with little indication of slowing down.

(Courtney Tyler is interviewing another kid.)

Kid #4: And so we were going to see who could eat the most cotton candy... (camera zooms out, revealing he's bloated) And I won! (sobbing) I want my mommy! (burps)

Courtney Tyler: So, there you have it... I want my mommy too! (sobs)

Judy Neutron: James Isaac Neutro-BURP!

Tommy: Everything's back to Norman.

Angelica: You dumb babies, monsters are just frigments of your infactuation.

Tommy: Hang on to your diapies babies, we're going in.

Angelica: You babies are so dumb, I can't believe you lived to be one.

Charles Finster Sr.: When I was a kid, Christmas was always kind of disappointing. The best gift I ever got was a rubber glove and a tongue depressor.

Chuckie: They're scary just like the English Muffins!


	11. Chapter 11 The Old Ones

Abholos[4] Devourer in the Mist A grey festering blob of infinite malevolence, described as the lesser brother of Tsathoggua or spawn of Cthulhu, born from his bile and tears. DM7

Alala[5] Herald of S'glhuo An entity of living sound, native to the Gulf of S'glhuo, manifesting as a huge monstrous being. He is served by the Denizens of S'glhuo which are made of his same substance. PL, VA, WP

Ammutseba Devourer of Stars A dark cloudy mass, with tentacles, absorbing falling stars. LO, SK

Amon-Gorloth[6] Creator of the Nile and Universe's Equilibrium A gigantic mysterious entity whose cult is perhaps coincident with that of Egyptian God Amun. Once dwelling in a gigantic palace known as Gz-eh near the Valley of the Kings, his dreaming force was able to shape reality. Causing life to eventually flourish within the Nile Valley, over 3,000 years ago, before the stars ceased to be right, and the advancing desert entombed his titanic body beneath the sands. Priests of his cult have built up secret subterranean mausoleums to access the Great Old One's body, and please the slumbering god by giving cattle as sacrificial victims. XN

Aphoom-Zhah The Cold Flame,

Lord of the Pole Appears much like Cthugha, but grey and cold. AF, HG, LP

Arwassa The Silent Shouter on the Hill A humanoid-torso with tentacles instead of limbs, and a short neck ending in a toothless, featureless mouth. AY4

Atlach-Nacha The Spider God,

Spinner in Darkness A giant spider with a human-like face. AT, PS, SG

Ayi'ig The Serpent Goddess, Aeg, Aega Daughter of both Yig and the Outer Goddess Yidhra, appearing as a gigantic octopus-like horror with serpentine eyes, and detachable tentacles, which may move independently. She dwells within the cavern of a deep canyon somewhere in Texas. ME

Aylith[7] The Widow in the Woods, The Many-Mother A tall, shadowy humanoid figure with yellow glowing eyes, and strange protrusions like the branches of dead trees. She is a servant of Shub-Niggurath. TT13

Baoht Z'uqqa-Mogg The Bringer of Pestilence A huge, flying scorpion with an ant-like head. MT4,[8] VG

Basatan Master of the Crabs Not described, possibly a humanoid crustacean or a gigantic crab.[9] MC

B'gnu-Thun The Soul-Chilling Ice-God Appears as a cyanotic humanoid, followed by an eerie blizzard. CC2, SS2

Bokrug The Great Water Lizard,

The Doom of Sarnath Appears as a gigantic water lizard. DC, S

Bugg-Shash[10] The Black One,

The Filler of Space,

He Who Comes in the Dark Appears as a black slimy mass covered in eyes and mouths, much like a Shoggoth. DI, EL, KB, RS

Byatis The Berkeley Toad,

Serpent-Bearded Byatis Appears as a gigantic multicolored toad with one eye, a proboscis, crab-like claws, and tentacles below the mouth. BY, RC, SF

Chaugnar Faugn The Horror from the Hills,

The Feeder,

Caug-Narfagn A vampiric elephant-like humanoid, with a mouth on the end of its trunk. FO, HF, HM, RH

Coatlicue Serpent Skirted One[11] Appears as a gigantic reptilian humanoid with two facing snakes in place of an actual head, as depicted in the Coatlicue statue. She was the former mate of Yig, revered in K'n-yan along with her consort. FS15, RS2

Coinchenn[12]

—

A marine tentacled horror made of fish, whale, and octopus-like features. Comics[13]

Crom Cruach[14] Master of the Runes, Bloody Crooked One[15] Not described, but likely something gigantic and serpent or worm-like. DS11, WW9

Cthaat The Dark Water God A formless mass of shape-shifting water. DV, PS4

Cthaeghya

—

(Half-)sister of Cthulhu, which spawned the Star-Spawn of Cthulhu. OO

Cthugha The Living Flame,

The Burning One Appears as a living conflagration. DD, EL, HC, LM

Cthulhu The Call of Cthulhu A mix between a giant human, an octopus, and a dragon. He is usually depicted as being over hundreds of meters tall, with webbed human-looking arms, legs, and a pair of rudimentary wings on his back. CC, DV, PS4

Cthylla Secret Daughter of Cthulhu Appears as a huge winged octopus-like creature with six eyes. Youngest of Cthulhu and Idh-yaa's progeny. HW11, ID, TC

Ctoggha The Dream-Daemon No description available. GD4

Cyäegha The Destroying Eye,

The Waiting Dark Appears as a gigantic black mass of tentacles, with a single green eye at the center. DM, SN11

Cynothoglys The Mortician God, She Whose Hand Embalms Appears as a formless mound, with one arm-like appendage. PR, SS11

Dhumin The Burrower from the Bluff A serpentine (likely Tremors-like) earth-shaking horror dwelling in the subsoil of Memphis, USA. BB7

The Dweller in the Gulf Eidolon of the Blind Appears as a huge, eyeless, black, soft-shelled tortoise with a triangular head, two whip-like tails, and suckers on the end of each tail. WL

Dygra The Stone-Thing A jewel-facetted, semi-crystalline geode with mineral tentacles. CC2, SS2

Dythalla Lord of Lizards A gigantic saurian creature similar to Bokrug, but terrestrial, and endowed with a mane of tentacles.[16] BB3, LD5, SS2, TH4

Dzéwà[17] The White God A ravenous plant-god who arrived from Xiclotl to Earth, awed by the Insects from Shaggai. He appears as a white orb hiding an enormous magenta excrescence, like an orchid or a lamprey-like mouth, with emerald tentacles, tipped with hands emerging from within the hideous mass. LJ, IS

Eihort The Pale Beast,

God of the Labyrinth Appears as a huge, pallid, gelatinous oval with a myriad of legs and multiple eyes. BS, FP, GS8

Ei'lor The Star-Seed, The Plant-God A plant-like parasitic horror native to the jungle planet Kr'llyand, which orbits a dead, green star. CC2, EO, SS4, SS8

Etepsed Egnis[18]

—

A formless monstrosity with a huge, arm-like appendage. EE, GS2, UI

Ghadamon A Seed of Azathoth A bluish-brown, slimy monstrosity riddled with holes, and an occasional malformed head. CD2, OF, PC6

Ghatanothoa Lord of the Volcano, Thoa[19] Appears as a colossal horror with multifarious appendages, and Gorgon-like powers. OE, RL, TP, DS11

Ghisguth The Sound of Deep Waters A titanic mass of jelly-like material. PN, OO

Gi-Hoveg The Aether Anemone A cosmic-entity manifesting as a gigantic, spongy, and fleshy mass covered in a myriad of both eyes and spines. He is said to be the nemesis of the Outer God Uvhash, usually summoned to contrast this deity. AD, CC2, HR7, SS2

Glaaki The Inhabitant of the Lake,

Lord of Dead Dreams Appears as a giant three-eyed slug with metallic spines, and tiny pyramid-like feet underneath. GL, IB, IL, RK

Gleeth The Blind God of the Moon An eyeless and deaf Lunar deity worshiped in the ancient continent of Theem'dra, as well as in the Dreamlands, often mentioned as similar to Mnomquah, though apparently not related to each other.[20] MD, HC2, SY5

Gloon[21] The Corrupter of Flesh,

Master of the Temple, Glhuun Usually manifests through a Dionysian sculpture, but its true form is that of a gigantic wattled slug-thing. MM, II, TE

Gobogeg[22] The Twice-Invoked Appears as a colossal pillar of amorphous alien flesh, with a cyclopean head. It drags up the continent it is summoned in, and causes the entire world to suddenly cave-in on itself. Games[23]

God of the Red Flux

—

A vaporous red entity haunting the rainforest of Central Africa. It has the power to turn humans into zombie-like servants, the Tree-Men of M'bwa. MW

Gog-Hoor Eater of the Insane A gigantic entity dwelling in some reverse dimension, resembling a huge bullet with a long proboscis. SC6

Gol-goroth Golgoroth,

The Forgotten Old One,

God of the Black Stone, Golgoroð Appears as a gigantic, black, toad-like creature with an impossibly malevolent glare, or a tentacled, scaled, bat-winged entity. BP, FO, FR, GB, SC12

Golothess

—

An entity cut in ten pieces by Yig during a time of great battle (one of these pieces is an alabaster dish found in Egypt, dated back 1,300 BC). It resembles and has a similar domain as the Greek god Bacchus. YV

The Green God The Horror Under Warrendown A sentient plant-like entity dwelling within a series of subterranean caverns, where it is always served by mutant rabbit-like worshipers. HW2

Groth-Golka The Demon Bird-God, The Bird-God of Balsagoð A monstrous bird-like fiend with sharp teeth, dwelling beneath Antarctica, vaguely resembling an extinct pterosaur. BP, FO

Gtuhanai The Destroyer God of the Aartna A destructive entity manifesting as a ravenous metallic vortex. He seems to be another half-brother of Cthulhu, like Hastur, and related to the slug-like Glaaki as well. He dwells somewhere in the Pleiades stellar region, and when summoned, he brings devastation. FN

Gurathnaka Eater of Dreams, Shadow of the Night A shadowy incorporeal entity dwelling in the Dreamlands. PV

Gur'la-ya Lurker in the Doom-laden Shadows A great shadow thing, with two glaring red eyes, able to transform the skull of its victims into green glowing stones carved with strange symbols. DS2, SY3

Gwarloth

—

A tentacled amoebic horror with multiple eyes, orifices, and a dangling gland forming a hideous face. SD15

Gzxtyos Mate of Othuyeg The consort of Othuyeg, likely similar to her bridegroom. GS2, SD14

Han The Dark One A being made of cold, howling mist bound to Yig's worship. SF

Hastalÿk The Contagion A microbial entity, responsible for plagues. rpg

Hastur The Unspeakable,

He Who is Not to be Named,

Lord of Interstellar Spaces,

The King in Yellow, The Peacock King, Zukala-Koth His true form is unknown, but usually manifests either as a polypous, ravenous floating mass endowed with tentacles, drills, and suckers, or more frequently, as the King in Yellow, a humanoid being wearing tattered, yellow clothes and a mask hiding the face. He is said to be Cthulhu's (half-)brother. FA, HS, LT, RH, SS, VE, WD, YS, CT10

H'chtelegoth The Great Tentacled God A towering greenish trunk with a "crown" of tentacles, a row of multiple eyes, and a series of additional lateral grasping appendages. HL, BM9

Haiogh-Yai The Outsider a monstrous, amorphous, whirling entity living within a wandering black hole called Vix'ni-Aldru, which also hosts a city made of titanic blocks, inhabited by mysterious creatures resembling either worms or lizards. CC2, SS2, TR10

Hnarqu The Great One Lesser brother of Cthulhu, manifesting as a gigantic mouth surrounded by countless tentacles, similar to a titanic sea anemone. TT2

Hziulquoigmnzhah The God of Cykranosh, Ziulquag-Manzah Has a spheroid body, elongated arms, short legs, and a pendulum-like head dangling underneath. He is the brother of Ghisguth, and uncle of Tsathoggua. DR14, DS, OO, PN, TA

Idh-yaa Cthulhu's Mate, Xothic Matriarch A gigantic, pale, worm-like horror dwelling beneath the crust of the star Xoth. She has been Cthulhu's first bride, and with him spawned three sons - Ghatanothoa, Ythogtha, and Zoth-Ommog - and a younger daughter, Cthylla. OA

Inpesca The Sea Horror A formless expansive bluish-black mass, haunting both the Ecuadorian and Peruvian coasts, mentioned in Cthäat Aquadingen as inimical to the Deep Ones. YE

Iod The Shining Hunter A levitating, sinuous glowing creature. HU, IN, SZ

Istasha Mistress of Darkness A cat-like deity, similar to Bastet, but vicious and malignant. Her sister is the sylvan Lythalia. SS2, SS4

Ithaqua The Wind Walker,

The Wendigo,

God of the Cold White Silence A gigantic, corpse-like human, with webbed feet and glowing red eyes. BW, CD, IM, IQ, SW, TW, WE

Janai'ngo Guardian and the Key of the Watery Gates, The Lobster of the Deep A crustacean-like, tentacled, half-amorphous marine horror which serves Cthulhu, dwelling in the depths of the Bay of Rhiiklu, somewhere within the eastern coast of the United States. TL

Juk-Shabb God of Yekub Appears as a great shining ball of energy. CF

Kunt The Ravenous One[24] Likely a gigantic larva-like horror, dwelling in the nebulous realm of K'gil'mnon, along with the Gharoides, its parasitic insectoid servants. GI, HG3

Kag'Naru of the Air[25]

—

Mentioned in the American comics "Challengers of the Unknown" (1977) as the sister of M'Nagalah. Comics

Kassogtha Bride of Cthulhu, The Leviathan of Diseases A huge mass of coiled, writhing tentacles. She is Cthulhu's sister and mate, who bore him the twin daughters Nctosa and Nctolhu. NH

Kaunuzoth The Great One, Cannoosut A squat, sea cucumber-like monstrosity with five eyes, three-toed, taloned appendages, and a large mouth. He is described as one of Glaaki's brethren, and dwells within the Moore Reservoir of Vermont, in the United States. MR10

Khal'kru[26] All-in-All, Greater-than-Gods A dark octopoid horror, similar to the Norse Kraken, but dwelling inside a temple somewhere within a hidden warm valley in Alaska. DM9

Klosmiebhyx

—

Sister of Zstylzhemghi. OO

K'nar'st Spawn of the Forgotten An amphibious humanoid with four, seven-clawed arms, and tentacles in place of legs. The head is lion-like, but bony and his mouth encases three long tongues. He lies trapped beneath the seafloor, inside a mysterious seamount called Nayghof. KN5

Krang[27] The Dead One A monstrous, brown, leathery, alien entity native to a mysterious planet, currently slumbering within a gigantic mausoleum lost in the desert-wastes, set to guard a priceless treasure made up of the oldest decayed planets. J5, FG8

Kthaw'keth The Supreme Unknown, Scourge of Yaksh A six-eyed, crocodile-snouted monstrosity covered with both tentacles and tripod-like limbs. Revered by the ancient Egyptians as the deification of both darkness and chaos. Comics

Kurpannga The Devil-dingo A giant hairless dingo-like fiend living in the Dreamlands (or the Dreamtime of Aboriginal myths). DL

Lam The Grey[28] An alien entity, similar to Grey aliens, dwelling in the dark side of the planet Mars.[29] GW6, MR11, rpg

Lexur'iga-serr'roth He Who Devours All in the Dark A photophobic bat-winged monstrosity, with both a thousand-eyed misshapen head and huge maws. BT9

Lythalia The Forest-Goddess A female seductive humanoid-entity, covered in both vines and vegetal parts. Somehow, she has been the mate of the Elder God Nodens, bearing him the twin gods Vorvadoss and Yaggdytha.[30] The feline Istasha is the sister of Lythalia. SS2, SS4

Mappo no Ryujin Harbinger of Doom, Mappo's Dragon A dragon-like entity, covered in pseudopods, regarded as the mother of the Snake-God Yig and said to be imprisoned beneath the sunken continent of Mu. JN

M'basui Gwandu The River Abomination A spider-eyed bat-winged horror lurking within the Congo River. NT8

M'Nagalah[31] The Devourer, The Cancer God[32] A mass of both entrails and eyes, or a massive blob-thing. NH, TU, comics[33]

Mnomquah Lord of the Black Lake, The Monster in the Moon A very large and eyeless lizard-like creature with a "crown" of feelers. MD, MQ, SB

Mordiggian The Charnel God,

The Great Ghoul,

Lord of Zul-Bha-Sair, Morddoth[34] A shape-shifting cloud of darkness. DT5, CG, GD7, IC, NS7, RE

Mormo[35] The Thousand-Faced Moon Mormo appears in many forms, but three are most common: as a mocking vampiric maiden, as a tentacle-haired gorgon, or as a hunched toad-like albino with a mass of feelers instead of a face. This last form is the appearance of her servitors, the Moon-beasts. BX, HR2, TR5

Mortllgh Storm of Steel A lustrous orb floating at the center of a whirling vortex of razor-sharp, metallic-looking blades. KN2

Mynoghra She-Daemon of the Shadows A succubus-like fiend with alien traits, and tentacles in place of hair. She is mentioned as a cousin of Nyarlathotep in the O' Khymer Revelations, and worshiped by witch cults in Salem, Oregon. WN2

Nctosa & Nctolhu The Twin Spawn of Cthulhu Twin daughters of Cthulhu, imprisoned in the Great Red Spot of the planet Jupiter. They both appear as huge shell-endowed beings, with eight segmented limbs, and six long arms ending with claws, vaguely resembling their "step-sister" Cthylla. NH

Ngirrth'lu The Wolf-Thing, The Stalker in the Snows, He Who Hunts, Na-girt-a-lu A ferocious and towering wolf-like humanoid with bat wings. He is served by werewolf servants known as the Lupine Ones. SS2

Northot[36] The Forgotten God, The Thing That Should Not Be[37] A mysterious entity related to Yog-Sothoth, Shub-Niggurath, and possibly Azathoth as well which manifests either as a faun-like humanoid with color-changing hair, or as a glowing halo of unknown color. NT4, RE3

Nssu-Ghahnb[38] The Heart of the Ages, Leech of the Aeons A sort of gigantic pulsating heart secluded in a parallel dimensions. It is responsible for spawning all of the various monsters which exist within the known Universe. rpg

Nug and Yeb The Twin Blasphemies Two horrid nebulous masses of shape-changing vapor from which eyes, tentacles, maws, and hooves emerge; somewhat like Shub-Niggurath. They have been spawned by Yog-Sothoth, and both (or either) are regarded as the blasphemous parents of Cthulhu. BF, EH, LA, OA, TO

Nyaghoggua The Kraken Within[39] A blurry, dark, kraken-like entity mentioned in the Song of Yste, and said to dwell in Outer Space. AB, NY7

Nycrama The Zombifying Essence A tall larva-like monstrosity, with hundreds of segmented taloned tendrils, exiled by the Elder Gods into a parallel dimension, with close connections to the rainforests of South America, where he lures human victims to enslave from other dimensions. Formerly, he was too an Elder God. NY4

Nyogtha The Thing which Should Not Be,

Haunter of the Red Abyss Appears as an inky cloud of shadows. AF, HG, SH, SR, SY4

Ob'mbu The Shatterer A giraffe-like reptilian monster. NH

Oorn[40] Mnomquah's Mate Appears as a huge, tentacled mollusk. HW10, MD

Othuum The Oceanic Horror A twisting tentacled mass with a single alien face somewhere in the center of the slimy squirming mass. OT, RS

Othuyeg The Doom-Walker Appears as a great tentacled eye similar to Cyäegha, but much more similar to the monster featured in the horror movie The Crawling Eye.[41] He currently dwells within the subsoil of Kansas, in the fabled Seven Cities of Gold. DF, SD14, SP, VC

Perse[42]

—

A maddening, twisted-minded, alien entity appearing as a feminine figure in a red cloak, with three eyes, and an utterly alien face. Likely coincident with Classical Underworld goddess Persephone, she manifest aboard a ghost ship and contact traumatized humans, with hidden artistic talent, to spread both chaos and despair across the world. DM10

Pharol Pharol the Black A black, fanged, cycloptic demon with arms like swaying serpents.[43] The entity normally dwells in another dimension—a "seething and sub-dimensional chaos" beyond the mundane universe.[44] The wizard Eibon of Hyperborea sometimes summoned Pharol to query him for arcane information.[45] AF

Poseidon

—

A powerful extragalactic entity, awed by 'Ymnar. It battled against the Elder God Paighon. NN

Psuchawrl The Elder One A tall humanoid with an eyeless sea anemone-like face, and a beaked grinning mouth, who can be summoned like a jinn. OJ

Ptar-Axtlan The Leopard That Stalks the Night A mysterious entity related to zoomorphic shapeshifters, especially were-cats. CD8

Quachil Uttaus Treader of the Dust Appears as a miniature, wrinkled mummy with stiff, outstretched claws. KU, RU

Quyagen The Eye of Z'ylsm,[46] He Who Dwells Beneath Our Feet Worshiped as a deity in a lost continent located in the southern Atlantic Ocean. He appears related to Nyarlathotep, and his form is likely octopoid, with myriads of horns along a maddening body. TL, TN5, VC

Q'yth-az The Crystalloid Intellect A towering mass of crystals, residing on the lightless planet Mthura. EF

Raandaii-B'nk

—

A shark-like humanoid native to the Bermuda Triangle, possibly similar to Cthulhu's avatar the Father of All Sharks. FD

Ragnalla Seeker in the Skies A titanic raptorial fiend with a huge, single eye and a crown of tentacles. CC2, RA, SS2

Raphanasuan The One from the Sun Race[47] A gigantic and likely multi-armed fiend. WT10

Rhagorthua Father of All Winds A fiery entity similar to Cthugha, able to absorb nuclear radiation, and imprisoned somewhere within the subsoil of New Mexico. HD2

Rhan-Tegoth Terror of the Hominids, He of the Ivory Throne A three-eyed, gilled, proboscidian monster with a globular torso, six, long sinuous limbs ending in black paws, with crab-like claws, and covered in what appears to be hair, but is actually tiny tentacles. AF, HM, LT, PD, RR

Rhogog The Bearer of the Cup of the Blood of the Ancients A black leafless oak tree, hot to the touch and with a single red eye at the center. RG

Rh'Thulla of the Wind[25]

—

Mentioned in American comics "Challengers of the Unknown" (1977), as brother of M'Nagalah. Comics

Rlim Shaikorth The White Worm A gigantic, whitish worm with a huge maw and hollow eyes made of dripping globules of blood. CW, HG, LP

Rokon

—

A mysterious extra-dimensional entity, regarded as the brother of Yig, ruling over a dimension called Zandanua. SS10

Saaitii The Hog A gigantic, ghostly hog. HG5

Scathach

—

One of Hziulquoigmnzhah's children, supposedly female.[48] OO

Sebek The Crocodile God A crocodile-headed reptilian humanoid, equal to the Ancient Egyptian god Sobek. EK

Sedmelluq The Great Manipulator, Ishmagon A colossal glowing worm, with a starfish-shaped head, dwelling in Antarctica and served by the Mi-go. IO

Sfatlicllp The Fallen Wisdom The granddaughter of Tsathoggua, an amorphous mass which mated with a Hyperborean Voormi and spawned the legendary thief Knygathin Zhaum. In Chaosium's Dead Leaves Fall RPG supplement, she appears as a fiend with oily snakes skin, and prehensile dreadlocks like a Gorgon. BT11, ES4, PN, VH

Shaklatal[49] The Eye of Wicked Sight A dark-skinned humanoid horror with tentacles sprouting from his head, and glowing red eyes, worshiped by the earliest African civilizations as the god Amun. He is said to be rival of Cthulhu. UF

Shathak Mistress of the Abyssal Slime, Death Reborn, Zishaik, Chushaik Not described, likely an amorphous mass. PN

Shaurash-Ho

—

Mysterious entity mentioned in Howard Phillips Lovecraft's letter to James F. Morton[50] as a descendant of Cthulhu which spawned other two horrid descendants (K'baa the Serpent and Ghoth the Burrower). The latter would have sired with a Roman noblewoman Viburnia the legendary ancestor of Lovecraft himself in a fictional family tree. The appearance of Shaurash-Ho has never been described. S4

Sheb-Teth[51] Devourer of Souls An eyeless alien humanoid entity, massively overgrown with both strange flesh and machinery. MN3

Shista[52] God of Fidelity A shape-shifting entity, often manifesting as a spiny five-legged crab, with a spider-like head and metallic bracelets on each limb. FG8

Shlithneth[53]

—

A gigantic slimy worm, with a mass of black tentacles surrounding its maw. CT4

Sho-Gath The God in the Box, The Big Black Thing A dark smoky column, with red malevolent eyes and a grotesque face, imprisoned inside a vintage box. GO

Shterot[54] The Tenebrous One A starfish-like horror spawned by the Outer God C'thalpa. It has been cut into pieces, but individual fragments live independently. AF2

Shudde M'ell The Burrower Beneath,

The Great Chthonian Appears as a colossal worm with tentacles for a head. BU, BT3, CS, LO, TC, WU,

Shuy-Nihl The Devourer in the Earth A dark blob of darkness endowed with tentacles. CC2, MT13, SS2

Sthanee The Lost One[55] A gigantic marine horror with twelve snaky-limbs, endowed with suckers, and a beard of tentacles, both served and revered by vicious merfolk, known as the "Children of Sthanee". Comics,[56] NY7

S'tya-Yg'Nalle The Whiteness An invisible entity made of both snow and chill, servitor of Ithaqua. WT2

Summanus Monarch of the Night,

The Terror that Walketh in Darkness A mouthless, grotesque humanoid with pale tentacles protruding from underneath a dark robe. FH, WG

Swarog[57]

—

A hideous being appearing as a dark, gigantic, legless bird-like horror swathed in dark flames, with its long neck topped by a black lump, half of which endowed with a big glowing eye and the other being covered in innumerable tentacles. It was revered by Slavic and Viking folks as the Solar god Svarog, though sharing almost nothing with the traditional deity. JS

Thanaroa[58] The Shining One A mysterious evil entity, manifesting as a pillar of dazzling light, dwelling in the ruins of Nan Madol, near Ponape. Its name recalls that of Polynesian creator god Tangaroa. MN9, MN10

Tharapithia The Shadow in the Crimson Light Slavic and Ugric God-like creature, photophobic and burrowing fiend awed in the Middle Ages. It cannot endure sunlight, and eludes it by tunneling deep underneath the roots of oak trees. CL2

Thasaidon Master of the Endless Void A malignant entity manifesting as a mace-wielding armored warrior. He is revered as the Principle of Evil in Zothique, but his cult dates back to the time of Mu. DD9, IS3, SS30, TB, WH, XE

Thog The Demon-God of Xuthal[59] An octopoid monster of Hyborian Age, which haunts the underground city of Xuthal. SS28

Toth[60]

A colossal, burrowing arthropod-like horror. UU

Th'rygh[61] The God-Beast A monstrous entity manifesting as a horrible patchwork of flesh, soil, and alien matter. VT

Tsathoggua The Sleeper of N'kai,

The Toad-God,

Zhothaqqua, Sadagowah Appears as a huge, furry, almost humanoid toad, or a bat-like sloth. BC, DS, IU, OL, PN, RT, SG, TZ

Tulushuggua The Watery Dweller Beneath A mysterious subterranean horror, dwelling deep within the flooded caves of Florida, served by the eel-like horrors known as the Tulush. SN9

Turua[49] Father of the Swamps, The Bayou Plant God A fungine entity with both tentacles and tendrils, which haunts the swamplands of Florida, somehow similar to the The Green God. UF

Uitzilcapac[62] Lord of Pain[63] A sadistic entity trapped by the Elder Gods in a remote dimension of the Space-Time continuum, and appearing as a 4-m tall lizard-like horror with six legs, and a mouth filled with vicious fangs. MT21

Ut'Ulls-Hr'Her The Great Horned Mother, Black Glory of Creation A huge faceless creature with various appendages sprouting from its head, a beard of oozing horns, many reddish teats, and fish-like fins sprouting from an egg-shaped body. NH

Vhuzompha Mother and Father to All Marine Life, The Hermaphroditic God An amorphous monster of prodigious size, covered in a multitude of eyes, mouths, projections, and both male and female genitalia. BV, CC2, SS2

Vibur The Thing from Beyond A huge, furry, and rapidly shifting entity casting radioactive stones. MT3

Vile-Oct

—

A dragon-like or reptilian entity said to be familiar of Yig. CC10

Volgna-Gath Keeper of Secrets A slimy shape-shifting mass, which can be summoned with mud and the blood of the invoker. SC2, SS2

Voltiyig Yig's Terrifying Son Spawn of the Snake-God Yig, appearing as a winged and feathered serpent with flaming nostrils, somehow similar to the Aztec God Quetzalcoatl, trapped inside a dark tower topped with a giant five-pointed star. IS13, TL

Vthyarilops The Starfish God A tentacled horror similar to a Sun Star, but endowed with branching tentacles, spines, myriads of blue glaring eyes, and gaping-maws. KN6

Vulthoom The Sleeper of Ravermos,

Gsarthotegga May appear as a huge, unearthly plant. VU

The Worm that Gnaws in the Night Doom of Shaggai A massive, worm-like fiend similar to a Graboid from Tremors. AG

Xalafu The Dread One A titanic, globular mass of various dark colors, endowed with a huge single-eye in the middle of the alien bulk. ZS

Xcthol[64] The Goat God A sadistic, mind-controlling, faun-like humanoid, likely related to Shub-Niggurath. RS7

Xinlurgash The Ever-Consuming A bristly-mass with large gaping maws, made up with tentacles and spider-like limbs. MN7, MN8

Xirdneth Maker of Illusions, Lord of Unreality An illusion-making entity with no true form. KI, SS2, SS4, TH4

Xitalu Being of Higher Dimension A tentacled, multi-eyed, soul-devouring abomination which dwells between dimensions. Comics[65]

Xotli Lord of Terror, The Black Kraken of Atlantis, Demon-God of Elder Night[66] A rolling cloud of ebony darkness or a vortex of boreal cold, revered by Atlanteans priests of the Hyborian Age. IS14

Xoxiigghua[67]

—

A three-eyed, octopoid, and parasitic horror trapped inside a Central American mountain range. OL7

Yegg-Ha The Faceless One A 10-foot tall winged being which rules over the Nightgaunts, before being defeated in ancient Britain by a centuria of Roman soldiers. IE

Y'golonac The Defiler Appears as a naked, obese, headless humanoid with a mouth in the palm of each hand; other features are nebulous. CP, LN6, PN6, PR12, TN12

Yhagni

—

A hideous female or hermaphroditic entity of tremendous power, cousin of Cthulhu and Hastur, imprisoned by the Great Old Ones being themselves aware of her powers. She dwells within the "Temple of Pillars," in the depths of Kyartholm located somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere. Her appearance is never described, but likely formless, larva-like, and tentacled as depicted in the minion-spawn which serve her parasitizing human victims. PS6

Yhashtur The Worm-God of the Lords of Thule A worm-like monster dwelling at Northern Polar latitudes, said to be the rival or inimical to Nyarlathotep. SC4

Yig Father of Serpents A giant snake with human-like arms covered in scales. Son of the Mappo's Dragon, children of his are Ayi'ig and Voltiyig, whereas Rokon is regarded as the brother of Yig. CY, SJ, VY

Y'lla Master of the Seas A monstrous, barrel-shaped sea worm with tentacles, and a lamprey-like mouth. CC2, DR12

'Ymnar The Dark Stalker A shape-shifting entity spawned by the Outer God Ngyr-Korath to serve him only. It may grant great powers to whoever chooses to serve him and his master, but his final aim is the destruction of all sentient and intelligent life in the Cosmos. FS4, HW3

Yog-Sapha The Dweller of the Depths,[68] Lord of the Things Which Dwell Beneath the Surface A gigantic, amoebic, glowing, and multihued gelatinous mass living within the dark depths of Earth. TH3

Yorith The Oldest Dreamer A huge crystalline-being residing in the seas of the ocean planet Yilla. Its hypnotic abilities force those spacefarers, who stray too closely, to suddenly plunge into the depths of its lethal sea. OR

Ysbaddaden Chief of the Giants[69] One of Hziulquoigmnzhah's children, supposedly male and gigantic.[70] OO

Ythogtha The Thing in the Pit Appears as a colossal Deep One, with tentacles surrounding its one eye. OA, PD, TC, TP

Yug-Siturath The All-Consuming Fog A vampiric vaporous entity which adsorbs vital forces. DY

Zathog The Black Lord of Whirling Vortices A festering, bubbling mass that constantly churns and whirls, putting forth vestigial appendages and reabsorbing them. Bubbles burst on the surface to reveal hate-filled eyes, and slobbering mouths form or close randomly about his horrible body. He dwells in the Xentilx galaxy, served by the Zarrian aliens. FB, WZ

Zhar and Lloigor The Twin Obscenities Both appear as a colossal mass of tentacles, trapped inside the "Plateau of Sung," somewhere in Burma. LS, MT11, SA, SX, TP

Zindarak The Fiery Messenger A mysterious fiery entity, that shall release Cthulhu from his prison once the stars are right. DX

Zoth-Ommog The Dweller in the Depths A gigantic entity with a cone-shaped body, a reptilian head, a beard of tentacles, and starfish-like arms. HG, OA, TC

Zstylzhemghi Matriarch of Swarms,

Zystulzhemgni Spawn of the Outer God Ycnàgnnisssz, described as a living alien swarm. She also has a sister named Klosmiebhyx. OO, PN, TA, ZY

Zushakon Dark Silent One,

Old Night,

Zul-Che-Quon,

Zuchequon Appears as a swirling, black vortex, revered by the Mutsune Native Americans as a dire death god. He is also worshiped by the mysterious servitors known as the Hidden Ones.[71] BH, DN, EB, KD

Z'toggua[72]

—

An obese bat-winged humanoid with a long polypous snout and a wide mouth, opening in the belly, served by the Deep Ones. CG8, SY6, ZG

Zvilpogghua Feaster from the Stars,

The Sky-Devil,

Ossadagowah A bat-winged, armless toad with tentacles instead of a face. LT, RM, SV

Abhoth

See Clark Ashton Smith deities.

Aiueb Gnshal

Aiueb Gnshal (The Eyes Between Worlds, The Child-Minded God)[75] is a mysterious Outer God, who has his abode in a forgotten temple located somewhere in Bhutan. He appears as a formless black void, with seven pulsing orb-like eyes, and is mainly worshiped by ghouls, which tribute him in a defiled cult described in the mysterious Cambuluc Scrolls of the wizard Lang-Fu, dating back 1295 AD. Peering through the eyes of this god, after a hideous and devastating ritual, allows one to see straight into Azathoth's court. It is rumoured that the powers of Mongolian warlord Temujin, was a favour of Aiueb Gnshal.

Ref

ET9

Azathoth

See Azathoth.

Azhorra-Tha[76] is an Outer God imprisoned on planet Mars as it fled from Earth after the imprisonment of the Great Old Ones. Its appearance is that of an insectoid to toad-like squid, but its shape continuously changes emitting an awful buzz. The Mi-Go discovered the prison of Azhorra-Tha the millennia after, and made everything to not reveal its location to any human being.

The Blackness from the Stars

The Blackness from the Stars is an immobile blob of living, sentient darkness, torn from the primal fabric of the cosmos at the center of the universe. It is distinguishable in darkness only as vaguely shimmering oily pitch. Although intelligent, it speaks no known language and ignores attempts to communicate.

The Cloud-Thing

A man-eating cloudy mass, unnamed Outer God at the court of Azathoth.

C'thalpa[54] (The Internal One)[77] is a huge mass of living sentient magma, located in the Earth's mantle. She is mother of the Great Old One Shterot, and other five unnamed hideous children. She is also served by a race of mole-like humanoid burrowers known as the Talpeurs.

Cxaxukluth (Androgynous Offspring of Azathoth) is one of the Seed-Spawn of Azathoth, grown to adulthood and monstrous proportions. In appearance, Cxaxukluth resembles something of a cross between Azathoth and Ubbo-Sathla: an amorphous, writhing mass of bubbling, nuclear, protoplasmic-gel. He normally dwells alone within an unnamed dimension beyond time and space, unless disturbed or summoned away.

Darkness

Darkness (Magnum Tenebrosum, The Unnamed Darkness) is a mysterious entity spawned by Azathoth, and is the progenitor of Shub-Niggurath.

D'endrrah[54] (The Divinity) is sort of blurry female entity of supernatural beauty, living inside a dark palace located on Mars' Moon Deimos. She lives in a hall with myriads of mirror altering her actual image, which is that of a tentacled dark abyss. This Mythos entity is somewhat inspired by C. L. Moore's Shambleau, the illusionary Martian she-vampires of lust.

Ialdagorth (The Dark Devourer) is both the cousin and servant of Azathoth, appearing as a black, shapeless, malevolent mist. The sight of such a fiend is unsettling if not traumatizing.

Kaajh'Kaalbh

Kaajh'Kaalbh[78] is a lesser Outer God, servitor of Azathoth, but secluded in a parallel chaotic-dimension where everything is unstable. The god itself is constantly formed or disrupted, and has no true form at all. Whoever attempts summoning this entity needs the aid of a Dimensional Shambler, and the deity may manifest in variety of forms, often as an immense lava lake or a vast pool of solidified quicksilver.

Lu-Kthu

Lu-Kthu (Birth-womb of the Great Old Ones or Lew-Kthew) is a titanic, planet-sized mass of entrails and internal organs. On closer examination it appears a wet, warty globe, covered with countless ovoid pustules and spider-webbed with a network of long, narrow tunnels. Each pustule bears the larva of a Great Old One.

Mh'ithrha

An invisible wolf-like fiend similar to Fenrir of Norse mythology (if not coincident). Mh'ithrha (Arch-Lord of Tindalos) is the lord of the Hounds of Tindalos, and the most powerful. Although not an actual Outer God as such, its form and awesome powers defy standard classification. Mh'ithra's eternal battle with Yog-Sothoth is said to be legendary.

Mlandoth and Mril Thorion

See Mlandoth and Mril Thorion.

Mother of Pus

A Lesser Outer God composed of slime, tentacles, eyes, and mouths. The Mother of Pus was spawned through an obscene mating between a human and Shub-Niggurath. When summoned to Earth, the Mother of Pus seeks refuge in pools of stagnant, foul water.

The Nameless Mist

The Nameless Mist (Nyog' Sothep?) is a misty, shapeless thing.

Ngyr-Korath

Ngyr-Korath (The Ultimate Abomination or The Dream-Death) is a dark blue-green mist which causes a sense of terror as it approaches. Once close, an eye of flame forms within. He spawned by fission the Great Old One (or the avatar of his) 'Ymnar, and his nemesis is the Elder God Paighon. He may coincide with the entity known as the Magnum Tenebrosum.

Ref

NO, FS2, HW3, HX

Nyarlathotep

See Nyarlathotep.

Nyctelios

Once an Elder God, Nyctelios[79] has been punished by his peers - especially Nodens - for having created a race of foul servitors. He has been permanently banished from the Elder God's olympus, and imprisoned beneath the eastern Mediterranean Sea, near Greece, in a dark, basalt-built citadel named Atheron. However the exiled deity is not dead, but just sleeping, and one day he will rise again from his abyss manifesting himself as a blue, 6-meters tall, cyclops-like monstrosity, with the bulk of his body covered entirely in crawling worms.

Ny-Rakath

A goat-like fiendish horror with bat wings and multiple horns, mentioned the as brother of Shub-Niggurath.

Olkoth (God of the Celestial Arcs)[80] appears as a demoniacal god-like entity able to reincarnate in human bodies if the stars are right (sort of a "Cthulhian" Antichrist).[81] Olkoth may emerge in our dimension through an eyeless, grotesque statue of the Virgin Mary.

Shabbith-Ka appears as a shapeless, roughly man-sized purplish aura, spitting and crackling with powerful electrical arcs. A sense of power, malignancy, and intelligence accompanies it and persons able to gaze at its form long enough can see a rudimentary face or faces within the glowing mass.

See Shub-Niggurath.

The Star Mother appears as a chunk of yellow-green stone about the size of an infant. Its shape suggests a plump, huge-breasted, faceless female figure. From it extend dozens of pencil-thin root-like strands. It is one of the Larvae of the Other Gods and has no cult, although served by zombie slaves.

Suc'Naath is one of the mindless gods which twist and dance in the court of Azathoth. It appears as a formless spinning hurricane-like thing with strings of violet and golden colors across its shape, constantly emitting, sickening, smacking, and screeching noises, while showing pain-stricken faces appearing on its body.

Suc'Naath's essence is currently divided into three parts, one in a comet called Aiin, the other in some sort of statue located somewhere in the World, while the third has been genetically passed on for aeons through prehuman, and now human races of earth, mostly in the middle east. The carriers of the Outer God's gene are said to have done great acts of magic and/or to have been insane. If these three parts are ever to be combine, Suc'Naath will be freed. This entity is served by a small middle eastern cult or sect known as the Golden Hands of Suc'Naath, which collect deranged intellectuals, and trained assassins, who wish to set Suc'Naath free (they may have connections to the old Hashashin cult as well).

Tru'nembra (The Angel of Music) is the name given in Malleus Monstrorum Call of Cthulhu roleplay game guide to the entity described in Howard Philips Lovecraft's novel "The Music of Eric Zahn". It has no shape, but manifests as haunting music.

Tulzscha (The Green Flame) is the name given in Malleus Monstrorum Call of Cthulhu roleplay game guide to the entity described in Howard Philips Lovecraft's story The Festival. Tulzscha appears as a blazing green ball of flame, dancing with its Lesser Outer Gods at the court of Azathoth. Called to our world, it assumes a gaseous form, penetrates the planet to the core, then erupts from below as a pillar of flame. It cannot move from where it emerges.

Ubbo-Sathla

Uvhash (The Blood-Mad God of the Void) appears as a colossal, vampiric, red mass of both tentacles and eyes. It dwells within the realm of Rhylkos, which matches with the red planet Mars, and whoever summons Uvhash witnesses an atrocious death. He has affinities with the star vampires ,and is rumored to have been one of mad emperor Caligula's eldritch sponsors as well. There is enmity with both the Elder God Nodens and the Great Old One Gi-Hoveg.

Xa'ligha (Master of the Twisted Sound or Demon of Dissonance) is an entity made of maddening sound, somehow similar to Tru'Nembra. There is some affinity with the Great Old One Hastur[82]

Xexanoth

Ycnàgnnisssz

Ycnàgnnisssz is a black, festering, amorphous mass that constantly blasts and erupts violently, spewing out bits of churning lava-like material. She spawned the Great Old One Zstylzhemgni by fission.

Yhoundeh

Yibb-Tstll

A gigantic, bat-winged humanoid with detached eyes, wearing a green robe. This horrible deity sees all time and space as it slowly rotates in the centre of its clearing within the Jungle of Kled, in Earth's Dreamlands. Beneath its billowing cloak are a multitude of nightgaunts, suckling and clutching at her breasts. Having a close connection to the Great Old One Bugg-Shash,[83] so should Yibb-Tstll be regarded as a Great Old One - specifically in the Drowners group introduced by Brian Lumley, parasitic alien entities which thrive by vampyrizing the Great Old Ones themselves[84] - though in RPG materials she is classed as an "Outer God".[85]

Yidhra

Yidhra (The Dream Witch or Yee-Tho-Rah[86]) usually appears as a youthful, attractive, earthly female, though her shape may vary.

Yidhra has been on Earth since the first microorganisms appeared and is immortal. To survive in a changing environment, she gained the ability to take on the characteristics of any creature that she devoured. Over time, Yidhra split herself into different aspects, though each part shares her consciousness.

Yidhra is served by devoted cults found in such widely separated places as Burma, Chad, Laos, Sumer, New Mexico, and Texas. Members of Yidhra's cult can gain immortality by merging with her, though they become somewhat like Yidhra as a consequence. Those who serve her are also promised plentiful harvests and healthy livestock. She usually conceals her true form behind a powerful illusion, appearing as a comely young woman; only favored members of her cult can see her as she actually is.

Yog-Sothoth

Yomagn'tho

Yomagn'tho (The Feaster from the Stars, That Which Relentlessly Waits Outside) is a malevolent being who wishes nothing more than the destruction of mankind for unknown reasons. He waits in his home dimension in Pherkard, until he is summoned to Earth. When first summoned, Yomagn'tho appears as a small ball of fire that quickly expands to a large circle of fire with three flaming inner petals. The reptilian burrowing folk, the Rhygntu, are known to worship this malignant deity.


	12. Chapter 12 Changing the Subject

[Harold got hit by a baseball]

Iggy: Say something, Man.

Harold: Goodnight, Mommy.

Harold: Who taught me how to play ball? Your looney grandma?

Arnold (Short Man): Hey, Grandpa, I've got a problem.

Grandpa Phillip (Phil): Shoot it at me, short man.

Arnold: You see there's this big jerk who says...

Grandpa: — says he's gonna beat you up, eh?

Arnold: Yeah.

Grandpa: Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?

Arnold: That's right!

Grandpa: Wants to pound you flat and use your face for 2nd base, eh?

Arnold: Yeah, yeah! What should I do?

Grandpa: I have no idea. But there's one thing I do know, never eat raspberries. [Holds his stomach] Excuse me a sec.[Grandpa runs to the bathroom]

Helga Stone (Pataki): Arnold? Hey Arnold, Twenty-four hours, fifteen minutes and thirteen seconds until you die!

DJ Nocturnal Ned: It's 7:00 on KILL. This one goes out to Arnold, who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes, and 47 seconds, from Helga who hates you.

Harold "Pink Boy" Berman: Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club?

Helga: Boys are so stupid.

Tommy: [in an Italian New York accent] Hey, Maria, come over here!

Maria: Hey vato, why don't you come over here?

Tommy: Just come over here!

Maria: Come over here!

Tommy: Aw, forget you!

Maria: Forget you!

Rhonda: Should we do our own make up, or will the crew do it?

Mr. Simmons: Do your own.

Helga: I'd rather watch paint dry.

Helga: Let's go practice being spontaneous.

Arnold: [to Abner at night] Y'know boy, you're more fun than a hundred dogs put together.

Arnold: [on Abner] Must be getting a drink out of the toilet again.

Grandma: [the morning after Abner goes missing] Anyone for bacon?

Arnold: [describing Abner to the dog catcher] And his tail is so curly when you pull it out it goes 'spoing'!

Gerald: [on the missing pig] Well, did you try going down to the dump and yelling 'sooey'?

Pig Skins R Us crew: [yelling at Abner] Come back here you football.

Grandpa: Brilliant does pretty much describe me. He falls off chair.

Gerald: [on Arnold's brilliant idea] Well, it's not working, and it's making me sick.

Ernie: [overwhelmed at the end] It does kinda bring a tear to your eye.

Grandpa: That's just the onions

Helga: Thanks, Arnold. I really appreciate all that you've done for me. You know, except the part where you made me go blind.

[Arnold is carrying "blind" Helga across the street and a taxi cab is speeding towards them]

Helga: Arnold, look out for that cab!

[Arnold jumps and they land on the sidewalk]

Helga: Arnold, are we alive?

Arnold: We're fine.

Helga: Whew. Good thing I saw — uh, I mean — smelled that cab coming.

Arnold: You smelled the cab?

Helga: Yeah, you know how it is when you lose one of your senses. The others just kind of kick into overdrive. [sniffs Arnold] Speaking of which, you might want to try a stronger deodorant, football-head.

Grandma: Oh, Happy Groundhog's Day, everybody. Yippee! I saw my shadow — and you know what that means!

Grandpa: We know, Pookie... [With Arnold] Twelve more days of Christmas...

Stinky: Um, fellas. Is it just me, or is the floor moving?

Helga: [thinks when she dances with Arnold] I'm actually dancing cheek-to-cheek with Arnold! He's holding me tight, his hair smells yummy... Oh, who am I kid din'?! I love this guy! Maybe I should stop torturing him? Nah, this is way too much fun!

Arnold: [thinking when he dances with Helga] Oh, man, I really hate this!

Helga: [thinking] Oh, man, do I love this or what!

Arnold: Gerald, I think, you're thinking what I'm thinking.

[Gerald whispers something in Arnold's ear]

Arnold: That's even better than what I was thinking!

Oskar: But Suzie, where am I going to sleep?

[Suzie throws sleeping bag and teddy bear at Oskar]

Oskar: Arnold, I can't believe how handsome you're getting, the way your body's growing to match the unusual shape of your head.

Oskar Kokoshka: [about to bet Arnold's CD player during a poker game] Don't worry, Arnold, there's no way I can lose. [next frame] I can't believe I lost.

Oskar Kokoshka: You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka: What did you say?

Oskar Kokoshka: You keep the money.

Suzie Kokoshka: Oh, Oskar! That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said to me.

Oskar Kokoshka: "You keep the money"?

\- [Rhonda, Nadine and Lila have just found the words "Arnold Loves Lila" written on the wall. Unknown to them, Helga has written it, originally writing "Arnold Loves Helga" then changing it when she heard them coming.]

Nadine: Do you think it's true?

Rhonda: Of course it's true, it's written on the wall: Arnold Loves Lila.

[Helga is watching as Lila and Arnold spend time together]

Helga: The worst part is, I did this to myself! If only I had left what I wrote on the wall, if only I wasn't so gutless, maybe Arnold would be cosying up to me, instead of that Little Miss Perfect phony Lila.

Rhonda: It means weird, and that's a major understatement. I mean, the boy's wearing pajamas for heaven's sake.

Harold: And look, there have little bears on them!

Sid: Boy howdy, talk about embarrassing!

[Arnold blushes]

Arnie: Lets go on a hayride. [Snorts]

[Lulu is flirting with Arnold, but she is making him uncomfortable by being too forward, and he tells her to stop.]

Lulu: [innocently] I can't help it, Arnold. I like you-like you.

Hilda: Oh most luminous orb in indigo sky, looketh you upon my ideal guy. Oh all-knowing lunar sphere taunting from above, whilst thou never guide me to my one true love- [is cut off by Arnold tripping over her]

Arnold: [smiles instantly] Hi.

Hilda: Hello.

Arnold: Do I know you?

Hilda: I don't think so.

Arnold: I've never met anyone like you, Hilda, and I really like you a lot.

[Note: Hilda is essentially a version of Helga without her bullying exterior, therefore Arnold actually does like the "real" Helga.]

Kim: A naked mole rat? Ron, ever think about getting a normal pet?

Ron: Like what?

Kim: I don't know, something... not naked.

Ron: Never be normal! That's the Ron Stoppable way.

Ron: Tokyo! I love the French!

Kim: Doctor Drakken...

Ron: Our arch enemy!...Well, your arch enemy. I... err... ...You know, I don't think he even knows my name.

[Ron fires a grappling hook, which tears his pants off.]

Ron: AH!

Kim: Ron, stop playing around!

Ron: Okay, I'm going...

[fires a second grappling hook, which tears his shirt off.]

Ron: Oh, c-, are you kidding me?!

Kim: Very funnyǃ

Ron: The third time's the charmǃ

Drakken: So, Kim Possible, you think to thwart my plan...!

Shego: (Cuts him off) Don't stop to tell her the plan!

Mr. Possible: Kimmie, let's not talk about "hotties" at breakfast anymore.

[Mrs. Possible comes in]

Mrs. Possible: Who's a hottie?

Mr. Possible: We're not talking about it!

Ron: So...Heinrich! Got any teenage daughters who might want to go to a big American dance party?

Heinrich: Nein!

Ron: Nine? One's plenty!...Well, maybe two.

Heinrich: NEIN MEANS NO!

Ron: Hey, I helped with that avalanche too, you know.

Kim: You STARTED it.

Ron: You want to steal Christmas!

Drakken: Not even close.

Kim: So this is a take-over-the-world thing, Ron.

Ron: That would be so cool if it wasn't going to hurt us.

Drakken: Why did she have to be a cheerleader?! If she was on the debate team, I would have vaporized her by now!

Ron: Kim, Drakken's in jail. Christmas was saved! What's the big?

Kim: Okay, first of all, he was not trying to steal Christmas!

Kim: Thanks for the lift, Heinrich.

Heinrich: Aw, Kim, you silly! After you save our village from that avalanche!

Kim: No big.

Mr. Barkin: Stoppable, you know the lay of the land?

Ron: Every rock, every tree, every bloodthirsty tick... it haunts me.

Mr. Barkin: Good. Where's the phone?

[Flashback:]

8-Year-Old Ron: Mom, hey, it's me again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I just called three minutes ago. But I just wanted to ask you one more time... CAN YOU PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE?!

[Flash-forward]

Ron: I seem to recall a payphone.

Ron: This place holds a lot of memories for me. Some bad, some...No. No, no, all bad.

Ron: We'll see who's the squeeb at the end of the summer when you're all wrinkled up like a prune, and I gotta a suitcase full of hand-made wallets, pot holders and lanyards.

Gill: Oh, I am no longer Gil, now I am Gill!

Ron: ...What's the difference?

Gill: I added an "L". You know, as in gill, as in, these things that grew when I mutated?!

Gill: So, Ron, did you ever hear why they shut down the camp?

Ron: Uhhh... no.

Gill: It turns out - oh, you're gonna love this - the lake had been polluted with runoff from the Science Camp!

[Cuts to Science Camp]

Ron: I thought that was Band Camp.

Gill: No, that's Band Camp.

[Cuts to Band Camp]

Ron: Really? I thought that was Clown Camp.

Gill: No, that's Clown Camp!

[Cuts to Clown Camp]

Ron: Oh, yeah. I loved those clowns.

Kim: Gill, we can get you help. We know a lot of scientists who-

Gill: Science?! Science made me this way!

Ron: Are you sure it wasn't the clowns?

Ron: Part of me is terrified... But part of me is flattered.

Barkin: This is sick and wrong!

Ron: Hey, Gill, maybe this is a good time to sing the Camp Wannaweep Friendship Song?

Barkin: CHEESE and CRACKERS, I'M MUTATIN'!

Gill: He's out on the lake? My lake? How dumb can he be?

Bonnie: You know, just because you saved us doesn't mean you're not still, you know, you. But it would really stink if that jerk had turned us into mutants. And you were kinda brave, and all.

Ron: [high-fives Rufus] Who rocks?

Bonnie: [sighs] You do.

Kim: I know what's best for Ron. Even if he doesn't.

Kim: Your house sucks up so much power, it's causing blackouts all over Europe.

Senor Senior, Sr.: And these people without power, they are... inconvenienced?

Kim: Very.

Senor Senior, Sr.: You see, Junior, how awful it is to be poor?

Ron: You've got doors that go – that go "whoosh"!

Senor Senior, Jr.: I always wondered about the "whoosh"...

Senor Senior, Sr.: I like the "whoosh." It's the door saying, "I am closed."

Kim: Oh, good. Missiles. I am so glad you told him to get missiles!

Ron: Oh, so I made a few suggestions - does that make it my fault?

Kim: One hundred percent.

Ron: Oh, man, I have a zit on my nose!

Kim: Will you get over yourself?

Ron: You do too! Right there!

Kim: Self-activating lasers! [She pulls Ron away, and they dive beneath the table. Kim looks accusingly at Ron] He threw in some traps.

Ron: Hey, on the positive side, this guy is clearly a terrific listener.

Kim: [to Ron] Never, ever tell anyone to go out and buy spinning tops of doom.

Senor Senior, Sr.: The piranha won't be here till Monday, but I assure you, the koi have not been fed in days.

Kenan: Who loves orange soda?

Kel: Kel loves orange soda!

Kenan: Is it true?

Kel: Mm-hmm! I do! I do, I do, I do-oooh!

Kenan: WHY!?

"The Tainting Of The Screw"

Kel: I... DROPPED THE SCREW... IN THE TUNA!

"Fenced In"

Chris: Kel could you please toss me the duster? [Kel looks around and sees a can of pees, shrugs it off and throws it at Chris] Ow! ah! What'd you do that for?!

Kel: Well you told me to throw a can of Pees at you.

Chris: I asked you to toss me the duster!

Kel: Oh, I'm sorry. It sounded like you said "throw a can of Pees at you".

Chris: Why would I Ask you to throw a can of pees at me?

Kel: I don't know. I thought it seemed kind of strange.

Chris: You seem kind of strange!

Chris: I have a radio in my car.

Kenan: He knew I had a crush.

Chris: Who?

Kenan: Kel.

Chris: You have a crush on Kel?

Kenan: No man, don't be gross!

"Pilot"

Chris: They just stank so good.

"Ditch Day Afternoon"

Kel: Aww man, i knew we shoulda went to school.

"Oh, Brother"

Kel: You just lost a customer bub, I'm never taking any free stuff from this store again!

"Oh, Brother"

Kenan: All we have to do is make it seem that Chris' life is interesting. Give me the phone.

Kel: Oh I see where your going with this. When Chris' brother sees him with this phone he will be so impressed!

"Mental Kel-Epathy"

Kel: I'm not psychic, I can't predict the future, I'm still confused about the past!

"Safe and Sorry"

Kenan: Come on, man. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't go check out that safe.

Kel: That safe doesn't belong to us.

Kenan: So, Finders Keepers.

Kel: Losers Dead!

Kenan: Would you quit blubbering?

Kel: I need to blubber.

"Baggin' Saggin Kel"

Kel: "Help! Can anybody hear me? I'm trapped down here with a can of tuna fish! Kenan!"

Kenan: "What'cha doing in the bag, Kel?"

Chris: "You're letting us down, Kel. Rigby's is going to lose and it's gonna be all your fault!"

Kenan: "Kel! You're not supposed to put yourself in the bag, kooky!"

Kel: "I think I'm dreaming or something."

?: "Kel! Kel!"

Kel: "Who are you?!"

Bottle of Orange Soda: "I'm Orange Soda! And you'll never drink me again!"

Kel: "AAHH! NO!"

Angus: "Hi Kel, it's Angus. You can't even win this contest in your dreams! *laughs evily* LOSER! LOSER! KEL'S A LOSER!"

Kel: "I can handle this myself!"

Kenan: "You can't even handle cartoons by yourself!"

"Baggin' Saggin Kel"

Chris: "Wait a minute! Are you trying to tell me that we beat Angus through trickery and deceit?!"

Kenan and Kel: "Yeah...we're sorry...I guess...I'm terribly sorry..."

Chris: "...I LOVE YOU GUYS!"

"Pilot"

Chris: Kenan, this is coming out of your paycheck! Now, clean up these puffs, pronto! (to Kel) Kel, you're fired!

Kel: I don't work here.

Chris: Well, see to it that you don't!

Kel: (to the audience) On tonights episode, Tommy and Chuckie lose Angelica's hair-scrunchy.

Kenan: Uh, Kel, aren't you thinking of another show?

Kel: No, no, no. See, it says it here in TV Guide monthly [takes out a TV Guide, clears his throat, and begins to read] "Tommy and Chuckie lose Angelica's hair-scrunchy".

Kenan: Man, you lookin at the wrong show. See, that's the Rugrats.


	13. Chapter 13 Something One Shouldn't

Dexter: [voiceover] Tonight's the night. And it's going to happen again and again. It has to happen.

Mike Donovan: I couldn't help myself. I couldn't. Please, you have to understand.

Dexter: Trust me, I definitely understand. See, I can't help myself either. But children? I could never do that. Not like you. Never … ever … kids.

Mike Donovan: Why?

Dexter: I have standards.

Dexter: [voiceover] Harry was a great cop here in Miami. He taught me how to think like one; he taught me how to cover my tracks. I'm a very neat monster.

Dexter: [voiceover] There's something strange and disarming about looking at a homicide scene in the daylight of Miami. It makes the most grotesque killings look staged, like you're in a new and daring section of Disney World: Dahmerland!

Doakes: I'm watching you, motherfucker.

Dexter: [voiceover, about the doll parts in his freezer] I suppose I should be upset, even feel violated, but I'm not. No, in fact, I think this is a friendly message, like "Hey, wanna play?" And yes, I want to play. I really, really do.

Dexter: [voiceover] I can kill a man, dismember his body, and be home in time for Letterman. But knowing what to say when my girlfriend's feeling insecure … I'm totally lost.

Dexter: We have an elephant in the room, and its name is sex.

Rita: [laughs weakly] Tell me about it.

Dexter: Hey, as far as I'm concerned, it can just stay in the corner and mind its own damn business.

Rita: [softly] Easier said than done.

Dexter: Yeah, [gently brushes her hair back] but it needs to be right, for both of us. Or it won't be right for either of us. I don't want that, do you?

Rita: No. [pause] You know, [hugs Dexter tightly] I can't believe I found the one good truly decent man left on the planet.

Debra: Watching ice melt. This is fun.

Vince: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart.

Angel: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex!

Dexter: Huh?

Vince: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way.

Debra: Yeah, from vine to vine

Maria: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off.

Dexter: [voiceover] My sister puts up a front so people won't know how vulnerable she really is. Me? I put up a front so people won't know how vulnerable I'm not.

Dexter: [voiceover] The worst thing about finally putting together a puzzle is finding there are missing pieces. He came back and left nothing behind but a message: "Come find me", and I will. There are no secrets in life, just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface.

Dexter: [voiceover] Most people have a hard time dealing with death, but I'm not most people. It's the grief that makes me uncomfortable. Not because I'm a killer. Really, I just don't understand all that emotion, which makes it tough to fake. In those cases, shades come in handy.

Debra: I'm real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. How are you holding up?

Dexter: I'm managing. [voiceover] No, I'm not. Keeping my face pinched in sorrow for two hours is a real chore.

[At the ice hockey rink]

Dexter: [voiceover] I knew he'd be back. It feels like Christmas morning. [approaches the body in net] Look at that, a miracle on ice. Stunning.

Angel Batista: You all right, Dexter?

Dexter: This is like a dream. [confused look from Angel] Standing on the home ice of the Miami Blades?

Harry Morgan: When you take a man's life, you're not just killing him. You're snuffing out all the things that he might become. As a cop, I only fire my weapon to save a life – that's a code I live by. Killing must serve a purpose. Otherwise, it's just plain murder.

Dexter: [voiceover] Harry taught me that death isn't the end. It's the beginning of a chain reaction that will catch you if you're not careful. He taught me that none of us are who we appear to be on the outside. But we must maintain appearances to survive. But there was something Harry didn't teach me. Something he didn't know, couldn't possibly know. The willful taking of life represents the ultimate disconnect from humanity. It leaves you an outsider, forever looking in, searching for company to keep.

Dexter: [voiceover] Human bonds always lead to messy complications. Commitment. Sharing. Driving people to the airport.

Dexter: [voiceover] I love Halloween. The one time of year when everyone wears a mask … not just me. People think it's fun to pretend you're a monster. Me, I spend my life pretending I'm not. Brother, friend, boyfriend – all part of my costume collection. Some people might call me a fraud. Let's see if it will fit. I prefer to think of myself as a master of disguise.

Dexter: [voiceover] Harry was the only one who saw me, really saw me. So he taught me to hide and that's what's kept me safe. But sometimes I'm not sure where Harry's vision of me ends and where the real me starts. If I'm just a collection of learned behaviors, bits and pieces of Harry, maybe my new friend is right. Maybe I am a fraud.

Dexter: [voiceover] Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply you have to be reminded it's even there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are altogether... I'm not the monster he wants me to be. So I'm neither man nor beast. I'm something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I'm Dexter. Boo.

[Dexter is staring off into space at a crime scene]

Dexter: [voiceover] I like to pretend I'm alone. Completely alone. Maybe post-apocalypse or plague … whatever. No one left to act normal for. No need to hide who I really am. It would be … freeing.

Doakes: Stop grinning like a fucking psycho and get back to work!

Officer Gerard: Freedom's just another word for one more way to get fucked.

Mindy: So, are you going to go to the spring formal?

Teenage Dexter: Why would I want to do that?

[Hurt, Mindy leaves]

Harry Morgan: She wanted you to ask her to the dance, Dexter.

Teenage Dexter: That's not what she said.

Harry Morgan: Well, you have to learn their signals.

Teenage Dexter: Yeah, well, I don't really care about girls.

Harry Morgan: Oh.

Teenage Dexter: I just like being alone.

Harry Morgan: But most normal people don't, and it's important that you seem normal.

Teenage Dexter: Even though I'm not.

Harry Morgan: Because you're not.

Angel: Don't go down that emotion road, just go down on her. She'll be distracted.

Dexter: [voiceover, packing supplies for a kill] "Be prepared" – that's my motto. The Boy Scouts and I have that in common. Of course, there's no merit badge for tonight's outing.

Harry Morgan: Keeping the truth from the people closest to you is how you'll survive, and how you'll protect them if anything goes wrong.

Dexter: [voiceover] Nothing lasts forever. Just ask a Ford Pinto. Eventually, most serial killers get caught. There's really not much of a retirement plan; but, it can't end like this; it's too soon; I'm not ready.

Debra: The guy's missing body parts because of this Ice-Truck Killer asshole, and he's still hitting on me!

Doakes' Mother: That's because men only think with one body part, and that one was not cut off.

Angel: Sounds like she got what she had coming to her. Personally, I'd like to shake the guy's hand.

Dexter:[voiceover] Sure, you say that now...

Dexter: [voiceover] Rita will be devastated if I'm arrested. Her husband was a crack-head and her boyfriend's a serial killer. It's kinda hard not to take that personally.

Dexter: The FBI estimates that there are less that 50 serial killers active in the United States today. We don't get together at conventions, share trade secrets, or exchange Christmas cards … but sometimes I wonder what it's like for the others.

Dexter: When'd you first notice it? This darkness inside the guy you fell for?

Rita: Well, I always knew it was there. I guess I just didn't think I deserved better – until I met you.

[Long pause]

Dexter: I have a dark side, too. [Rita laughs] What? I do.

Rita: Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter. You're not like Paul; you don't hurt people.

Dexter: [another pause] Innocent people. I don't hurt innocent people.

Dexter: The Ice-Truck Killer drains the blood from his victims, freezes the bodies, and only then severs their limbs. It's clean and efficient, that's his psychological signature. Neil Perry, on the other hand, stuffs roadkill.

Debra: Yeah! And turns 'em into fucked up fantasy shit.

Dexter: But the fantasies are all wrong! The guy we're looking for wouldn't turn dead dirty things into living cartoons, he'd find that pathetic.

Debra: How do you know?

Dexter: [pause] Because it is pathetic.

Dexter: [voiceover, about Paul] He might be a crack-addled, wife-abusing yahoo, but he refuses to abandon his kids. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Dexter: You killed again. I told you, I warned you. Don't kill anyone who doesn't deserve to die. Why did you do it?

Jeremy Downs: To feel something different.

Dexter: Different than what? What do you normally feel?

Jeremy Downs: Nothing. Fucking nothing at all. I hate every fucking goddamn second of it. I can't stand it – living my life in my head.

Dexter: Does killing make it better?

Jeremy Downs: No. Worse. Fucking worse than ever.

Dexter: I'm a lot like you, you know.

Jeremy Downs: [scoffs] Yeah, right. You're a killer?

Dexter: [gives him a look] I'm empty. But I found a way to make it feel less … bottomless.

Jeremy Downs: How?

Dexter: Pretend. You pretend the feelings are there, for the world, for the people around you. Who knows? Maybe one day they will be.

Dexter: [at a crime scene] What are we looking at here?

Angel: I'm thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?

Dexter: Nah, looks like a lobster. See the claws?

Angel: Why do bloodstains always look like crustaceans to you?

Dexter: I like seafood.

Angel: Rorschach would say you have a hard time relating to others.

Scott Solomon: Meridian? Best thing that's ever happened to me … so far. How about you? You finding him helpful?

Dexter: I'm a sociopath; there's not much he can do for me.

Scott Solomon: Cute and funny. Let me guess, taken?

Dexter: Girlfriend.

Scott Solomon: Lucky girl.

Dexter: [voiceover] My therapist wants me to accept the things that are out of my hands. Tragically for him, he's not out of my hands.

Dexter: [voiceover] I can't have sex with Rita. Every time I sleep with a woman, she sees me for what I really am. Empty. Then she's gone. But I don't want Rita to go, which means I have to deal with this. [pause] I can't kill Meridian yet – I need another therapy session.

Dexter: I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone before.

Dr. Emmett Meridian: Okay.

Dexter: I'm a serial killer. [pause] Oh God. That feels … so amazing to say out loud.

Dr. Emmett Meridian: Well, you must be letting go, 'cause I've never heard you make a joke before.

Dexter: I'm not joking; I kill people. Whoo. There it is again. [pause] You should try it. I know — your big bad wolf has racked up a tidy little death toll.

Dexter: [voiceover] I know the truth, because Harry always told me the truth. He had to, he was teaching me principles. A Code. He knew what I would become without it.

Rita: Hello.

Paul: Hey babe, it's Paul. Just making sure dear Dexter is dealing decently with his dead dad.

Rita: We're fine, everyone's fine. Alright, we'll see you on Monday.

Paul: Talk to me, you having fun? Cause I'm not.

Rita: Paul.

Paul: Would've if I'd have taken my kids to the circus. We'd be eating peanuts right now, stepping in elephant shit.

Rita: Paul, this is not helping my confidence in you.

Paul: Oh, I think you've got enough confidence for both of us.

Rita: Look if you want to work towards building more visitation days and not less, you need to avoid this kind of behavior right here. Now I think you might just politely hang up.

Paul: OK, you're right, I'm sorry. You have a great weekend. [hangs up phone]

[Dexter calls Vince]

Vince Masuka|Vince]]: Masuka.

Dexter: Hey, it's Dexter Morgan.

Vince: Dude, I know your last name.

Dexter: Yeah, I need a favor. A DNA comparison.

Vince: I thought you were away for the weekend with the girlfriend. What, she surfin' the crimson wave?

Debra: [answering her phone] Morgan here.

Vince: Wait, did I call the hot Morgan by mistake? Freudian. My subconscious has been exposed.

Debra: Well, zip it up and tell me what's going on.

Debra: [eating cake] Hey, you want some? It's Kirk Wylocks' cake.

Doakes: I had some, at Kirk's birthday. 10 days ago. See, if you have lunch every day with your boyfriend, you miss a thing or two around here.

Debra: Cake's still good; it's mocha, I think.

Doakes: It started out vanilla.

[Examining a jar of blood received in the mail]

Assistant: Maybe you should open it.

Dexter: What if there's an airborne toxin in here waiting to be released?

Assistant: I've got to wash my hands. [rushes past]

Dexter: So gullible. ... It's definitely blood.

Dexter: [voiceover] My sister's right, I don't share my problems with her. Or with anybody. Harry taught me that. Secrecy, self-reliance … and a well-stocked cupboard of Hefty bags.

[After stuffing Paul into the trunk of his car]

Rita: Where were you?

Dexter: Taking out the trash.

Dexter: [voiceover] So this is doom. I've been the architect of so much of it, it's only fair that I should know what the fuss is all about. He left me this room for a reason. Five women gave their blood, their lives for this moment. There's only one way to find out why.

Dexter: [voiceover] I've never had much use for the concept of Hell, but if Hell exists, I'm in it. The same images running through my head over and over. I was there. I saw my mother's death. A buried memory forgotten all these years. It climbed inside me that day, and it's been with me every since. My Dark Passenger.

Rudy/Brian: [while gift-wrapping dismembered parts] Deck the halls with parts of bodies, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Dexter: [voiceover] Thinking Rudy attacked Batista doesn't make any sense. He's a loving boyfriend, he spends his life helping people in need. He brought me steaks. [lock-picking attempt thwarted] Now, that's just rude. Why would loving and helpful Rudy need an industrial-grade lock? And a security camera?

Rudy/Brian: Debra Morgan, will you marry me?

Debra: I knew it, I fucking knew it!

Rudy/Brian: Is that your version of a yes?

Rudy/Brian: You know the one thing I've been dying to ask you? How did you not know who I was? You're a cop.

Debra: This isn't funny.

Rudy/Brian: I think a real cop would at least have a sense she was in the presence of the person she was hunting.

Dexter: I've lived in darkness a long time. Over the years my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see.

Doakes: Surprise, motherfucker!

Dexter: Are you following me now?

Doakes: You better have a hell of a reason for being here.

Dexter: I'm looking for my sister.

Doakes: In a cargo box?

Dexter: Yeah. I'm kinda working on a theory.

Doakes:You forget your work for the fucking cops? We love theories. Come on. Spin a story, asshole.

Debra: [sobbing] This isn't you.

Rudy/Brian: Pretty sure it is.

Debra: No, no there's more. I've seen it.

Rudy/Brian: I never wanted to hurt you.

Debra: I know. I know.

Rudy/Brian: [pause] Does this make it easier for you? Because I can keep going.

Rudy/Brian: I just wanted to have a beer with you before we got started. Made that kind of difficult.

Dexter: Sorry.

Rudy/Brian: You don't ever have to apologize to me, Dexter. Not for who you are, or anything you do.

Rudy/Brian: Your victims. Are they all killers?

Dexter: Yes.

Rudy/Brian: Harry teach you that?

Dexter: He taught me a code. To survive.

Rudy/Brian: Like an … absurd avenger?

Dexter: That's not why I kill.

Rudy/Brian: You can be yourself around me. Who. Am. I?

Dexter: A killer. Without reason or regret. Free.

Rudy/Brian: You can be that way too.

Dexter: But the code …

Rudy/Brian: [laughs] Dex! You don't have a code. Harry did. Now he's been dead ten years. You can't keep – keep him sitting on your shoulder like Jiminy Fucking Cricket! You need to embrace who you are now.

Dexter: I don't know who I am.

Rudy/Brian: 'Course you don't. You've been away from your family since you were three. But I'm here now. I can help you. We can take this journey together.

Dexter: I can't. Not Deb …

Rudy/Brian: No – no, don't say that.

Dexter: I'm very … fond of her.

Rudy/Brian: You can't be a killer and a hero. It doesn't work that way!

Dexter: [voiceover] Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for everything inside me that's denied and unknown to be revealed. But I'll never know. I live my life in hiding. My survival depends on it.

Frank Underwood: [watching a dog that has been hit by a car] There are two kinds of pain. The sort of pain that makes you strong. Or useless pain. The sort of pain that's only suffering. I have no patience for useless things. Moments like this require someone who will act. To do the unpleasant thing. The necessary thing... [puts the dog out of its misery] There, no more pain.

Claire Underwood: My husband doesn't apologize, even to me.

Frank Underwood: [of his wife] I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood.

Frank Underwood: [of Michael Kern] I almost pity him. He didn't choose to be put on my platter. When I carve him up and toss him to the dogs, only then will he confront that brutal, inescapable truth.

priest: I'd like to speak today on the subject of humility. A lot of you have just won re-election. If you hadn't, you might not be sitting here. And, of course, we should enjoy our success and be grateful for it, but never let your gratitude sour into pride. You'll have many challenges ahead over the next couple of years, and a person's character isn't determined by how he or she enjoys victory but rather how he or she endures defeat. Nothing can help us endure hard times better than our faith.

Zoe Barnes: Wait. We're in a very gray area. Ethically. Legally. Which I'm okay with -

Frank Underwood: I just love this painting, don't you? We're in the same boat now, Zoe. Take care not to tip it over. I can only save one of us from drowning.

Frank Underwood: Centuries from now, when people watch this footage, who will they see smiling just at the edge of the frame?

Frank Underwood: Every Tuesday I sit down with the speaker and the majority leader to discuss the week's agenda. Well, discuss is probably the wrong word. They talk while I sit quietly and imagine their lightly salted faces frying in a skillet.

Frank Underwood: Such a waste of talent. He chose money over power - in this town, a mistake nearly everyone makes. Money is the McMansion in Sarasota that starts falling apart after 10 years. Power is the old stone building that stands for centuries. I cannot respect someone who does not see the difference.

Frank Underwood: [to Zoe] You might very well think that. I couldn't possibly comment.

Frank Underwood: [aside] What a martyr craves more than anything is a sword to fall on, so you sharpen the blade, hold it at just the right angle, and then 3, 2, 1-

Donald Blythe: It should be me. It was my bill.

Doug Stamper: [to Peter Russo] When it comes to your life, Peter, and what I know about it, you should assume that there's no such a thing as a secret.

Frank Underwood: Nobody can hear you. Nobody cares about you. Nothing will come of this. Why don't you let these nice gentlemen take you home?

Frank Underwood: I grew up here, in the up country - Bibles, barbecues, and back breaking. Everything gets just a little bit thicker this far south - The air, the blood, even me. I try to make it down here at least once a month. Every trip is a reminder of how far I've come. I hated Gaffney as a kid, when I had nothing, but now I've come to appreciate it. It's not as suffocating as it once was, except when I have to deal with the sort of nonsense that makes me want to hang myself.

Frank Underwood: When Oren gets the jury to weep a river of shot over this dead girl, when Gaffney goes tits up because you can't afford to pay a seven-figure award in damages, when you all get booted out of the office and I lose to Chase, then you can chew my ears off about principles because we'll all have nothing but time on our hands. Until then, you either contribute or you keep it shut, Travis.

Zoe Barnes: I've been offered a spot on Nightline.

Frank Underwood: You want my advice?

Zoe Barnes: I don't want it, I need it.

Frank Underwood: Close your eyes.

[Zoe closes her eyes]

Zoe Barnes: Okay.

Frank Underwood: It's 11:25, Nightline is about to come on, millions of people are watching. Where are you - home?

Zoe Barnes: No.

Frank Underwood: At the studio?

Zoe Barnes: Yes.

Frank Underwood: And what do you see?

Zoe Barnes: I see lights. I see a camera.

Frank Underwood: And that little red dot goes on. Tell me what you hear.

Zoe Barnes: I hear my voice.

Frank Underwood: And those millions of people, what do they hear?

Zoe Barnes: My voice.

Frank Underwood: And what do they see?

Zoe Barnes: My face.

Frank Underwood: So you don't need my advice.

Zoe Barnes: Hammerschmidt's gonna freak.

Frank Underwood: You don't want to work anywhere you're not willing to get fired from, Zoe. Treading water is the same as drowning, for people like you and me. Good luck, I'll be watching.

[Frank is giving a service at the funeral of a teenage girl]

Frank Underwood: You know what no one wants to talk about? Hate. I know all about hate. It starts in your gut, deep down here, where it stirs and churns. And then it rises. Hate rises fast and volcanic. It erupts hot on the breath. Your eyes go wide with fire. You clench your teeth so hard you think they'll shatter. I hate you, God. I hate you! Oh, don't tell me you haven't said those words before. I know you have. We all have, if you've ever felt so crushing a loss. There are two parents with us today who know that pain, the most terrible hurt of all- losing a child before her time. If Dean and Leanne were to stand up right now and scream those awful words of hate, could we blame them? I couldn't. At least their hatred I can understand. I can grasp it, but God's wantonness, His cruelty, I can't even begin to...My father dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of 43, and when he died, I looked up to God and I said those words, because my father was so young, so full of life, so full of dreams. Why would God take him from us? [aside] Truth be told, I never really knew him or what his dreams were. He was quiet, timid, almost invisible. My mother didn't think much of him. My mother's mother hated him. The man never scratched the surface of life. Maybe it's best he died so young. He wasn't doing much but taking up space. But that doesn't make for a very powerful eulogy, now, does it? [to the congregation] I wept. I screamed, "Why, God? How can I not hate you when you steal from me the person I most love and admire in this world? I don't understand it, and I hate you for it." The Bible says in proverbs, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Lean not on your own understanding. God is telling us to trust Him, to love him despite our own ignorance. After all, what is faith if it doesn't endure when we are tested the most? We will never understand why God took Jessica or my father or anyone. And while God may not give us any answers, He has given us the capacity for love. Our job is to love Him without questioning His plan. So I pray to you, dear Lord, I pray to you to help strengthen our love for your and to embrace Dean and Leanne with the warmth of your love in return. And I pray that you will help us fend off hatred so that we may all truly trust in you with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. Amen.

Zoe Barnes: You can speak to me like an adult, Tom. You don't have to lecture me like a little girl.

Tom Hammerschmidt: You haven't earned the right to be treated as an adult. You think a few front-page stories and some face time on TV makes you the next Judy Miller? You've got a long way to go. Don't be so arrogant.

Zoe Barnes: Okay, so you think when a woman asks to be treated with respect, that's arrogance?

Tom Hammerschmidt: Are you accusing me of sexism?

Zoe Barnes: Just making an observation.

Tom Hammerschmidt: No TV for a month.

Frank Underwood: [to Dean Masters] Would you like me to resign, Mr. Masters? Just say the word, and it's done. If it will bring you any satisfaction. I asked the reverend once, "What are we supposed to do in the face of so much senseless pain?" And he said to me, "What else can we do but take what seems meaningless and try to make something meaningful from it?" He's right. That's how God works: through us. Will you let me work for you? [aside] What you have to understand about my people is that they are a noble people. Humility is their form of pride. It is their strength, it is their weakness, and if you can humble yourself before them, they will do anything you ask.

Margaret Tilden: Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together. One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut. The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains. The girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi! Where y'all from?" The girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition". The girl from Georgia says, "oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from? Cunt?" You heard that one before?

Tom Hammerschmidt: A version of it. With softer language.

Margaret Tilden: Tom, we don't need people who follow the rules. We need people with personality. We want Zoe's face, her energy. We want to get her on TV as much as possible. It helps us cut through the noise. See what I'm saying?

Frank Underwood: Love of family: most politicians are permanently chained to that slogan, family values. But when you cozy up to hookers and I find out, I will make that hypocrisy hurt.

Frank Underwood: It's so refreshing to work with someone who'll throw a saddle on a gift horse rather than look it in the mouth.

Frank Underwood: You see, Freddy believes that if a fridge falls off a minivan, you better swerve out of its way. I believe it's the fridge's job to swerve out of mine.

Tom Hammerschmidt: I don't think you appreciate anything. I think you're an ungrateful, self-entitled little c-

[Tom cuts himself off]

Zoe Barnes: Little what? Little what, Tom? Say it!

Tom Hammerschmidt: Cunt. You're a cunt.

[Zoe takes out her phone and begins typing]

Tom Hammerschmidt: What are you doing? Don't you dare-

Zoe Barnes: You don't even know what I'm typing.

Tom Hammerschmidt: Get out, Zoe.

Zoe Barnes: Just a second. I'm almost done.

Tom Hammerschmidt: Get out. You're fired.

Zoe Barnes: Whatever you have to tell yourself, Tom.

Tom Hammerschmidt: Get out!

Zoe Barnes: So should I press "send"? I think I should. Call me whatever you want, but you should remember, these days, when you're talking to one person, you're talking to a thousand.

Marty Spinella: [to Frank] Either you assure me right now that amendment is out, or I'm walking out that door and I'm gonna start launching missiles.

Frank Underwood: Marty and I have a good working relationship. Or used to. You can see he has a temper, but I can usually cut through that and reason with him. But I may have pushed him too far, which is worrisome. Friends make the worst enemies.

Tom Hammerschmidt: I know how to run a paper, Margaret. What I don't know how to do is run a paper staffed with people I can't control.

Margaret Tilden: Was she really out of control?! To my understanding, she simply turned down a new position.

Tom Hammerschmidt: It's her attitude. It's the way she turned it down.

Margaret Tilden: Did you think to ask her what she'd rather do instead?

Tom Hammerschmidt: Is it my job to pander to all my employees-

Margaret Tilden: My employees. And if they have something to offer that you don't, yes, it is your job. We've been through this, Tom. The paper's operating at a loss. We need people like Zoe.

Tom Hammerschmidt: I'm very aware of how much we're hurting, Margaret. Staff reductions, dip in circulation. Each one of those faces and every subscriber we lose, they keep me awake at night. Now, I won't argue the business side of things. It's neither my place nor my area of expertise, but know this- Zoe Barnes, Twitter, blogs, enriched media, they're all surface. They're fads. They aren't the foundation this paper was built on, and they aren't what will keep it alive. We have a core readership that thirsts for hard news. Those are the people I work for. And I won't be distracted by what's fashionable.

Zoe Barnes: Nobody tells me when to work and when to play.

Frank Underwood: [to Peter] Everyone in that room wanted to cross you off the list. I said no. I stuck up for you. I said, "Peter Russo, he's got potential. He's young. He's capable. He's going places". I made them keep you in contention. You're still on that list. You show up at my house in the middle of the night, drunk, to whine, to try to shift the blame on me instead of taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions. Maybe they were right in that meeting. Maybe you are worthless. I'm the only person who believes in you, Peter, but maybe that's one too many. The hot water will open up your capillaries. The aspirin you just took will make your blood thinner. It's up to you, Peter. Oh, and if you do decide to take the coward's way out, cut along the tracks, not across them. That's a rookie mistake.

Linda: So you've been wrong twice about this. Why should I believe you're right about holding out?

Frank Underwood: This is the worst possible position to be in. If I water down the bill, the president will still see me as a failure. If the strike doesn't end in a week, I forced myself into a corner. Only total victory will put me back into his good graces. The alternative is exile, which would mean the last five months were for nothing. I cannot abide falling back to square one.

[on live television, regarding the brick incident]

Marty Spinella: Mrs. Underwood, Claire, I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through that ordeal, truly. And it actually sickens me that someone made you feel unsafe in your own home. And I give you my word that to the best of my knowledge, none of our people had anything to do with it. But you know what sickens me more? That right now, your husband is using you as a prop on national television to try and win a debate. So I think you're the one that owes your wife an apology, Frank. And when you're done apologizing, can we please get back to the issue here of educating our children?

[Frank's gaffe during his CNN debate with Spinella has gone viral]

Candy Crowley: Congressman Frank Underwood says he got quote, "schooled" by AFT spokesman and chief strategist Martin Spinella during a debate last night on this network. In the past 24 hours, reruns of the gaffe have played nonstop on TV news programs and the Internet. A YouTube clip set to techno music has logged more than 300,000 hits and spawned dozens of other spoofs.

President Garrett Walker: Are you letting pride cloud your judgment, Frank?

Frank Underwood: Respectfully, sir, you're allowing fear to cloud yours.

Claire Underwood: You know what Francis said to me when he proposed? I remember his exact words. He said, 'Claire, if all you want is happiness, say no. I'm not gonna give you a couple of kids and count the days until retirement. I promise you freedom from that. I promise you'll never be bored.' You know, he was the only man - and there were a lot of others who proposed - but he was the only one who understood me. He didn't put me on some pedestal. He knew that I didn't want to be adored or coddled. So he took my hand and put a ring on it. Because he knew I'd say yes.

Frank Underwood: You know the difference between you and me, Marty?

Marty Spinella: What?

Frank Underwood: I'm a white-trash cracker from a white-trash town that no one would even bother to piss on. But here's the difference — I've made something of myself. I have the keys to the capitol. People respect me. But you, you're still nothing. You're just an uppity dago in an expensive suit turning tricks for the unions. Nobody respects the unions anymore, Marty. They're dying. And no one respects you. The most you'll ever make of yourself is blowing men like me. Men with real power. Yes. I can smell the cock on your breath from here.

Marty Spinella: You think you can get under my skin?

Frank Underwood: I know I can.

Zoe Barnes: [looking out the window] I can see your security guy.

Frank Underwood: Meechum?

Zoe Barnes: He's cute.

Frank Underwood: He'd never go for you.

Zoe Barnes: Why not?

Frank Underwood: You're too intimidating.

Zoe Barnes: He's the one with the gun.

Frank Underwood: But you're the one with the congressman.

Walter Doyle: I've been doing this a long time, congressman. I know when I've scraped all the shit off the shoe.

Peter Russo: Do you get off on this or something?

Walter Doyle: Does a doctor enjoy it when he cups your balls and asks you to cough?

Frank Underwood: There's no better way to overpower a trickle of doubt than with a flood of naked truth.

Doug Stamper: But the most important count I do has nothing to do with work. It's the number of days since April 4, 1999. As of this morning, that's 5,185. The bigger that number gets, the more it frightens me, because I know all it takes is one drink to go back to zero. Most people see fear as a weakness. It can be. Sometimes for my job, I have to put fear in other people. I know that's not right. But if I'm honest, like the fourth step asks us to be, I have to be ruthless, because failure is not an option. The same goes for my sobriety. I have to be ruthless with myself. I have to use my fear. It makes me stronger. Like everyone in this room, I can't control who I am. But I can control the zero. Fuck the zero.

Frank Underwood: The Citadel, South Carolina's premier military college. They taught me the values of honor, duty, and respect. They also hazed me, tried to break me, and, senior year, nearly expelled me when I volunteered for a Senate race and my studies suffered. But that didn't stop them from soliciting a hefty sum for their new library 30 years later. How quickly poor grades are forgotten in the shadow of power and wealth.

Mrs. Russo: [to Christina] So, you're fuckin' my son? [Christina says nothing] Relax. I'm just messin' with you.

Peter Russo: You elected me to represent you, but I couldn't forestall the inevitable. The shipyard was gonna close. If not this year, then next year, or the year after that. You all know that. Here's another truth that's gonna be hard to swallow: I'm all you've got.

Frank Underwood: I'm not going to lie. I despise children. There. I've said it.

Peter Russo: The more of my words, the fewer of yours, the better off we'll both be.

Reporter: If I didn't think you were such a liability to yourself, Congressman, I might even like you.

Peter Russo: If your circulation was as high as the Wall Street Journal, I might like you back.

Janine Skorsky: [to Zoe] So, a piece of advice as far as career strategies go: It's not worth fucking your way to the middle.

Frank Underwood: Proximity to power deludes some into believing they wield it.

Frank Underwood: A great man once said, everything is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.

Frank Underwood: I have zero tolerance for betrayal, which they will soon indelibly learn.

Remy Danton: I don't eat pork.

Frank Underwood: When did that happen?

Remy Danton: When we started lobbying for the meat packing industry.

Peter Russo: You don't understand, I'm not afraid of you anymore, Frank.

Frank Underwood: Then you're misguided.

Claire Underwood: Such a shame, how naive you are.

Zoe Barnes: I'm not naive.

Claire Underwood: No? I've known everything from the beginning, Zoe. My husband and I tell each other everything. Don't you believe me? Is there a spider I can trap? I'm not here to punish you or to tell you to stop. I just thought I should open those big bright eyes.

Frank Underwood: We never played chess before, have we?

Doug Stamper: I don't know how.

Frank Underwood: You want me to teach you?

Adam Galloway: What were you interested in?

Claire Underwood: Being more than an observer.

Adam Galloway: You wanted to be seen.

Claire Underwood: Not just seen. I wanted to be significant.

Claire Underwood: I envy your free spirit, and I'm attracted to it, but not all of us have that luxury.

Adam Galloway: Which is what I find so frustrating about you, Claire. You-you had a choice. You chose not to be free.

Claire Underwood: No. What I chose was a man I could love for more than a week.

Peter Russo: [to Frank] When did your help ever help me? You can live your life the way you want to. I'm done being told how to live mine.

Peter Russo: Failed. I failed myself. I failed my family. I failed the campaign.

Raymond Tusk: Can I ask why you do that?

Frank Underwood: Do what?

Raymond Tusk: Tap your ring like that. I've seen you do it on TV. Two taps every time you get up from a table or leave a lectern.

Frank Underwood: Something my father taught me. It's meant to harden your knuckles so you don't break them if you get into a fight. It also has the added benefit of knocking on wood. My father believed that success is a mixture of preparation and luck. Tapping the table kills both birds with one stone.

Raymond Tusk: Your father was a peach farmer?

Frank Underwood: Yes, he was. Not a very successful one.

Raymond Tusk: Lack of preparation or lack of luck?

Frank Underwood: Lack of both. He was better at giving advice than following it.

Raymond Tusk: Decisions based on emotion aren't decisions, at all. They're instincts. Which can be of value. The rational and the irrational complement each other. Individually they're far less powerful.

Frank Underwood: I said to my professor, "Why mourn the death of Presidents, or anyone for that matter? The dead can't hear us." And he asked me if I believed in heaven. I said no. And then he asked if I had no faith in God. I said, "You have it wrong. It's God who has no faith in us."

Raymond Tusk: Fact, I have something that you want. You have something that I want.

[Frank chuckles]

Raymond Tusk: Have I said something amusing?

Frank Underwood: I've sat too many times on your side of the table not to enjoy the irony of finding myself on this side of it.

Frank Underwood: [about Tusk] He doesn't measure his wealth in private jets, but purchased souls.

Frank Underwood: Of all the things I hold in high regards, rules are not one of them.

Frank Underwood: [speaking to God] Every time I've spoken to you, you've never spoken back, although given our mutual disdain, I can't blame you for the silent treatment. Perhaps I'm speaking to the wrong audience. [Looks downward] Can you hear me? Are you even capable of language, or do you only understand depravity? Peter, is that you? Stop hiding in my thoughts and come out. Have the courage in death that you never had in life. Come out, look me in the eye and say what you need to say. There is no solace above or below. Only us - small, solitary, striving, battling one another. I pray to myself, for myself.

Gillian Cole: [putting Claire's hand on her belly] Do you feel that? The kicking? I won't let people like you fuck up the world my child has to live in. If I have to tell a few lies to do that... I've learned one valuable thing from you.

Claire Underwood: [to Gillian] I am willing to let your child wither and die inside you, if that's what's required. Am I an enemy you want to make?

Raymond Tusk: I'm must say, I'm surprised, Frank. You have a reputation for pragmatism.

Frank Underwood: And I've also avoided a reputation for indentured servitude.

Raymond Tusk: I never make an offer more than twice, Frank. Tell me now if I can count on your cooperation.

Frank Underwood: You're not offering cooperation, you are demanding tutelage. So let me make you a proposal. I am absolutely willing to work together as equals. I will take your opinions seriously, just as the president does. But I will not bind myself to them in advance. If that doesn't interest you, fair enough. Good luck finding a vice president in the next four days who will prove as pragmatic as I. You can't purchase loyalty, Raymond. Not the sort I have in mind. If you want to earn my loyalty, then you have to offer yours in return. And if we can agree to that - well, you're a man with imagination.

Tattooist: Most guys, you knowytr for the first time, they start with something small— mom, girlfriend's initials, something like that. Not you. You got a full set of lop all in a couple of months. Takes guys a few years to get the ink you got.

Michael: I don't have a few years. Wish to hell I did.

Veronica: I've known you my entire life, you don't have a violent bone in your body. And I know you didn't need the money.

Michael: Veronica.

Veronica: Why won't you let me help you?

Michael: Veronica. You've been good to me — my whole life — you have. But you've got to let me deal with this. Okay?

Judge: Rarely in a case of armed robbery do we hear a plea of no contest. Are you sure about this, Mr. Scofield?

Michael: I'm sure, Your Honor.

Judge: Given your lack of prior criminal conduct, I am inclined to a probation. However, the fact that you discharged a deadly weapon during the commission of the crime suggests malice to me. For that reason, I find it incumbent that you see the inside of a prison cell, Mr. Scofield.

Judge: The closest level one facility would be Fox River State Penitentiary. As for the term of your sentence, I'm setting it at five years. You'll be eligible for parole in half that time. Sentence to be carried out immediately.

Bellick: You a religious man, Scofield?

Michael: Never really thought about it.

Bellick: Good. Because the Ten Commandments don't mean a box of piss in here.

Bellick: There isn't any flying under my radar.

Michael: Good to know.

Sucre: [to Michael] Suggest you take seat, Fish. Nothing to do up here but serve time—and nobody gonna serve it for you.

Sucre: [to Michael] Welcome to Prisneyland, Fish.

Sucre: [to Michael] I'm telling you, the guards are the dirtiest gang in this whole place. The only difference between us and them is the badge.

Michael: [about D. ] Doesn't look like the type.

Sucre: Who does?

Sucre: I wouldn't get excited if I were you, Fish. You aint sniffin' none of P.I. (prison industry).

Michael: Why is that?

Sucre: Cause John Abruzzi runs it.

Michael: "John Abruzzi" John Abruzzi?

Sucre: "John Abruzzi" John Abruzzi.

Lincoln: [to Michael] All I keep thinking, looking back onto this, I was set up. I know whoever it was who set me up wants me in the ground as quickly as possible.

Sucre: What's another word for love?

Michael: What's the context?

Sucre: Oh, you know... yeah, "I love you so much, I aint never knockin' over a liquor store again" context.

Sucre: I'm proposing to my girl, if you gotta know.

Michael: In a letter?

Sucre: You got a better way?

Michael: Face to face works pretty good.

Michael: [to Lincoln] I'm not here on vacation, trust me.

Michael: Maybe you ought to hear what I've got to say.

Abruzzi: You got nothing I need.

Michael: Wouldn't be too sure of that. [places an origami swan on the table]

Abruzzi: My mistake—just what I need—a duck.

Michael: Wouldn't think you'd find the daughter of "Frontier Justice" Frank working in a prison—as a doctor, no less.

Sara: I believe in being part of the solution, not the problem.

Michael: Hmm. Be the change you want to see in the world. What?

Sara: Nothing, that was just my senior quote.

Michael: That was you? This whole time I thought it was Gandhi.

Sara: I've got news for you, Michael. "Trust me" means absolutely zero inside these walls.

Sucre: [about the word Michael suggested to be used in a letter Sucre was writing to his girlfriend] 'Passion', what were you thinking?

Michael: Hey, you went for it.

Sucre: She probably thinks I went sissy up in here.

Sucre: No good, Fish. No one gets an audience with the Pope—not unless he's real interested in what you got going on.

Pope: I can't help wondering what someone with your credentials is doing in a place like this.

Michael: Took a wrong turn a few months back, I guess.

Pope: You make it sound like a traffic accident.

Michael: [about warden's miniature of Taj Mahal] The Taj... it would be a shame for the eighth wonder of the modern world to collapse because the stress isn't properly propagated.

Pope: Properly propagated?

Michael: Properly propagated.

Pope: Son, it's better for me to owe you one in here than it is for you to owe me one, I can promise you that.

Michael: I'll take my chances.

Michael: [to Lincoln] I'm getting you out of here.

Lincoln: It's impossible.

Michael: Not if you designed the place, it isn't.

L.J.: I don't have a father.

Lisa: It wasn't an immaculate conception, honey, trust me.

Veronica: What if they'd sent you to Taylorville or Marion and not here?

Michael: I think I'd be doing the same thing I'm doing in here. Eating Jell-O, drinking Kool-Aid.

Veronica: [referring to Lincoln] I loved him as much as you did.

Michael: Past tense for you maybe, not me.

Kellerman: You have a habit of answering a question with a question.

Bishop McMorrow: And you have a way of asking questions that beg more questions.

Lisa: [referring to Lincoln's son, LJ] I figured he could use some fatherly advice before he's...

Lincoln: Gone forever?

Lisa: I didn't mean that.

Lincoln: I know you didn't.

Lincoln: I'm not asking you to love me, I already screwed that chance up long ago. I'm asking you to love yourself. You still can put the break on this thing.

LJ: So, that's what fatherly advice is like? [LJ stands up]

Lincoln: [looking at LJ] Where are you going?

LJ: [to Lincoln] I got homework.

Lincoln: They're putting me to death, L.J. In a month's time I'll be dead. You get that?

LJ: You're already dead to me.

Abruzzi: [to Michael] Kudos, Fish. You've got spine.

Lincoln: You've seen the blueprints.

Michael: Better than that. [shows his tattoos] I've got 'em on me.

Bellick: You're in the old man's back pocket, are you? I got news for you fish, he may run this place during the day, but I run it during the night.

Inmate: You best speak with respect, Fish. Man kidnapped half a dozen boys and girls down in 'bama, raped and killed 'em all. Wasn't always in that order either.

Michael: Does T-Bag have a real name?

T-Bag: [walks up] That is my real name. [Michael gets up] No, no, no please, sit. So you're the one I've been hearing all the rave reviews about. Scofield! One thing's for sure, you're just as pretty as advertised. Prettier even.

Michael: You ever think about Boston?

Westmoreland: Sure.

Michael: Think you'll ever see it again?

Westmoreland: I'm a sixty year old man with sixty years still left on my ticket. What do you think?

Michael: I'm thinking of going.

Westmoreland: Well there's going, and then there's going. Which one do you mean?

Michael: The one you think I mean.

Abruzzi: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer...!

[Two CO's are carrying Michael to the infirmary. They come out of an elevator and then ask for someone to help Michael]

CO: We need some help here! [They rush him in through the hall till they find Sara]

Sara: Take him up in the three. Katie I'm gonna need ten cc's of xylocaine. [The CO's bring Michael into the infirmary and help him to seat in the stretcher. He's almost crying and covers his eyes to hide it. Sara puts her gloves on and looks at the CO's]

Sara: Thanks guys, I'll take him from here. [They hesitate. Sara looks them again firmly] I said 'Thank you, I'll take him from here'. [One of the CO's threws Michael's boot to the floor]

CO: Let's go. [They leave. Michael's foot is cover with a sock and and is bleeding badly. Sara looks the CO's leaving and then she turns to Michael]

Sara: Ok, let's take a look at you. [Michael is finally crying. Sara is about to remove the bleeding sock but Michael stops her]

Sara: [Sweet, softly, while she's uncovering the wound] You're Ok, you're ok. [Michael sees that two of his toes have been cut off a big tear escapes from his eyes, then he lays back in the stretcher covering his eyes with his hands]

Sara: What happened? [Michael takes a deep breath and swallow]

Michael: Uh, nothing.

Sara: [Worried] This isn't nothing Michael, I need you to tell me what happened.

Michael: [Painfully] Don't make me lie to you. [Sara looks at him, surprised by the answer. Michael takes another deep breath trying to bear the pain as he slowly lies back on the stretcher] Please.

[Sara comes out the infirmary room to talk with Bellick, he start walking off, she follows him. He stops and takes off his cap to speak to her]

Sara: I think you'd better have I.A. start an investigation. [Offering him a report. He doesn't take it]

Bellick: Oh, there's no need. We know what happened.

Sara: [Ironic] Uh, perhaps you'd be good enough to enlighten me?

Bellick: There was a pair of gardening shears left on the floor of the shed. Evidently, he stepped on them.

Sara: Blade went right through his boot huh?

Bellick: Yeah.

Sara: So, uh, why wasn't the boot still on his foot?

[Bellick smiles at her frigidly]

Bellick: Like a said, doc. We've got it taken care. [Puts his cap on again and talks to the CO's] Let's go.

[Inside the infirmary room. Michael is sitting on the stretcher, and Sara is on her seat, just in front of him]

Sara: [Putting a sticking plaster on the fresh bandage] No redness or swelling, so it's no sign of infection. I'll keep you on antibiotics for the next ten days. [Michael is looking at his foot, serious] You should be good. [She looks up to Michael and gets up walking to a desk next to the door] Michael, you understand by law I'm obligated to file a report if I feel there's been prisoner misconduct? [Sara looks at him. Michael's still serious. Putting his sock on, slowly] There's no way this injury happened by stepping on a blade in a garden shed.

Michael: If you fill a report things could get a lot worse for me.

Sara: They're not already?

Michael: Not compared to what they could be. [Sara looks down. He smiles] I've made some enemies.

[Sara breaths and look at him again, worried]

Sara: Yeah... Scared?

[He looks at her]

Sara: Men. OK. Here's what I think. I think you are scared and you wouldn't be human if you weren't scared in a place like this.

Michael: When I was young, I couldn't sleep at night because I thought there was a monster in the closet. But my brother told me there wasn't anything in the closet but fear. And fear wasn't real. He said it wasn't made of anything just…air. Not even that. He said you just have to face it. You just have to open that closet and the monster would disappear.

Sara: Brother sounds like a smart man.

Michael: He is. In here though, you face your fear, you open that door and there's a hundred more doors behind it. And the monsters that are hiding behind them are all real.

Sara: If you want, I could recommend you be sent to Ad-Seg.

Michael: [Gets up] With the rape victims and the snitches.

Sara: [Still trying to convince him to take care of himself] It would keep you safe.

Michael: Thanks, but I think I'd like to face the monsters on my own.

[He leaves. Sara looks away, worried]

Sucre: Are you crazy? You think I wanna break out of here? Sixteen months from now I'm out the gate. I'm getting married, Papi, and I sure as hell ain't doin it with a posse on my ass. Man I oughta beat you six days till Sunday. I lost my conjugals because of your little parcel.

Michael: I had to test you. See if you could keep a secret.

Sucre: You want a secret, well I got a secret for you, fish. You dig in my cell when I'm there and I'm gonna split your wig. [walks off]

Lincoln: That went well.

Michael: Lincoln, we have a problem.

Michael: Preparation will only take you so far. After that you got to take a few leaps of faith.

Sara: Good afternoon Mr. Scofield. (She closes the door behind her)

Michael: Hello.

Sara: How you feeling today? (Takes a look at him)

Michael: We're good. (Rolling up his sleeve)

[She looks at him again and sees the band aid on his eyebrow. Leaves the tray at a table and sits down next to him.]

Sara: What happened?

Michael: Uh, caught an elbow playing basketball.

Sara: Uh-huh (Looks at him, doesn't believe it. Looks down to put her gloves) Mind if I take a look ?

Michael: By all means.

[She removes the band aid and takes a look. Her face turns more serious.]

Sara: (Takes a small breath) You know you're going to get killed in here, right? If you're not careful.

[Michael is looking at her with a little smile on his face. Then looks away and back to her again]

Michael: I'll make you a bet. When I get out of here... alive, I'll take you to dinner... [She's still serious and doesn't answer. Starts cleaning the wound] ...lunch? ...cup of coffe?

Sara: Michael. This, um... (looks at him) ...this charm act could be exactly what's getting you into trouble out in the yard.

[They look at each other. Michael doesn't keep the eye contact and that makes Sara looks away.]

Sara: Lean forward.

[He does it, little pensative, with a sweet gesture in his face, maybe in response to the sweetness of Sara changing the band aid of his eyebrow, worried for him. We hear the effervescence noise at the sewer again and see how both liquids are reacting over the pipes.]

Sucre: You see these hands? They're digging machines. You want to go to China? I'll get you to China. I'll dig like a psychotic rodent if I have to!

Haywire: He's got the pathway on his body. It leads somewhere. It leads to hell. It's the pathway to hell.

Michael: Let's just say someone's gonna get hurt.

Haywire: There is a maze in your tattoos. Where does the maze take me?

Michael: Get away from me.

[Michael is banging his head against the bars]

Haywire: What, are you nuts?

Michael: Officer... I need an officer.

C.O Patterson: What the hell is the problem down here. What. Son of a bitch open up on 40. [takes out his mace] Back off, Haywire.

Haywire: He's got the pathway in his body.

C.O Patterson: Haywire, I said back off. You want a hot shot?

Haywire: I'm telling you look at his [screams after C.o Patterson maces his face].

Haywire: (While Michael is pouring out toothpaste)I crapped myself once in junior high. We were playing badminton, and I had to walk past the other kids to get to the locker room. So I thought I would make fun of it- you know before the other kids had a chance to- so I said "Look I have a tail!"... I just told you a secret. Now it's your turn.

Michael: You want to know what the tattoos mean?

Haywire: Yeah.

Michael: Nothing.

Bellick: [while the inmates are yelling and Sucre is singing] NOT ONE MORE WORD. NEXT INMATE THAT OPENS HIS MOUTH GOES IN THE HOLE.

Michael: The reason we're all here today is we have a decision to make…English, Fitz or Percy. If we're gonna pull this off…we need to take one of them out.

Abruzzi: And you want us to tell you which one?

Michael: I just want you to help me get to them. I'll take it from there.

Sara: I'm supposed to give you a physical this evening. Let me apologize in advance for the heavy dose of irony we're about to participate in.

Lincoln: It's all right, just doing your job.

Sara: Yeah, well letting the State know that you're healthy enough to execute is not why I went to medical school.

Michael: I thought you said your cousin was moving in on your girl.

Sucre: That's my other cousin, but thanks for bringing that up, jackass.

Pope: The thing is, Mr. Scofield is not our problem any more. Seems there was an error in his paperwork. He's going to be transferred after all.

Michael: That's not possible.

Pope: Escort the prisoner back to his cell.

Michael: Warden, all I need is three weeks. Get off of me! Henry, please! I just need a little time, just give me the time.

Michael: We're not breaking out of a Jamba Juice, gentlemen.

Abruzzi: And how do you plan to do that, Fish?

Michael: With a little help from my friends.

Kellerman: Mr. Pope, in our line of work, we've discovered that just about everyone has done something that someone doesn't know about.

T-Bag: So you see, "friends", either I'm through that hole with you, or I'm gonna sing like Johnny Cash!

Michael: I need you down there. It's a two man job. Let's hang a sheet.

Sucre: No way, man. You only hang a sheet when you and your cellie want to get friendly, you know?

Michael: You wanna protect your prison reputation, or do you wanna get out of here?

T-Bag: Not that hot?!

[He points to a black inmate]

T-Bag: When this guy woke up this morning, he was white!

Inmate: We got you a little get well gift.

T-Bag: Awww. Its just the right size. Thank you, boys. I'll catch up with you later.

[T-Bag walks into the cell]

T-Bag: Whats your name?

Seth: Seth.

T-Bag: You new, Seth?

[Seth nods his head]

T-Bag: Look at me, boy. You probably heard stories about me. They're not all true.

[T-Bag pulls out his left trouser pocket]

T-Bag: What do you say we go for a walk.

Michael: It's just math.

Sucre: What if your math is wrong?

Michael: You'll drill into one of a dozen gas lines behind the wall. There'll be an explosion and we'll be burned alive.

Sucre: But you're good at math, right?

T-Bag: Why don't you send us all someplace cooler- like Africa.

T-Bag: What do you call a guy who couldn't pass the cop's exam and now makes less than a mailman? A CO.

Bellick You know Teddy, you've really disappointed me, and that's hard to do; because I don't expect much from the inbred son of a retard. That's right Teddy, I read your psych profile. Your father rapes his mongoloid sister, and nine months later little Teddy pops out.

Abruzzi: Give me that thing! Demolition runs in the family...

Abruzzi: You're drilling holes with an eggbeater?

Sucre: I know. Crazy, huh? It's the Fish's idea. It's called the "Hooker Law." It says that if you poke the exact right holes in something big and strong, it gets very weak. that's the plan.

Abruzzi: yeah, it's always the plan!

[After T-Bag kills the rookie guard]

T-Bag: One for the team.

[Michael has a red dot on his chest]

Sara: Michael!

Michael: What?

Sara: They see us.

Michael: [to Sara] Come on, I won't hurt you.

Michael: [to Sara] You needed help and I..I came to find you...

Michael: Ever been to Baja? Mexico?

[Sara looks at him like she doesn't know what he is talking about]

Michael: There is this great place down there. Twenty bucks a night, hammock on the back deck. Beers are 50 cents. 25 cents at happy hour.

[Sara smiles and shakes her head]

Michael: Ever been to Thailand? Thailand's great.

Sara: Michael, if you're trying to calm me down, you're doing a terrible job.

Michael: But I am trying. [both laugh]

Sara: Wait, I can't leave you here.

Michael: You have no choice. I'm one of the bad guys, remember?

Michael: Think of this place like it is a map of the U.S. Our cell over there, that's New York City. The infirmary, our exit, is California. The pipes beneath our feet that connect the two...

Sucre: Route 66.

Michael: Route 66. Our ticket out of here.

T-Bag: I'm feelin' kinda left out. New York, California, St. Louis. What are we discussing?

Michael: Talkin' baseball actually.

T-Bag: Huh. Now that's a subject I just happen to know quite a bit about.

Abruzzi: What a shame. The conversation's over.

T-Bag: Ugh,ugh yeah, Hold up here a minute, oh, hold up here huh... Seems to be a little confusion... I'm suppose to be on this brigade...

Abruzzi: [to the C.O] I don't think so.

T-Bag: Huh, John, you can't be serious, not after all the long and illustrious histories we shared together. All those nights in New York City, in California, in St. Louis. They were good times, weren't they John?.. Tell the badge here about it... but if you don't want to... I certainly could.

Bellick: [to Westmoreland] If you don't tell me who killed Bob before I leave this cell, our friendship goes with it. [Bellick rises] That's a nice cat.

Sue Parsons: I have a source that tells me, if you accept what happened and stop fighting your execution, your son will be left out of this. If not, I hope you said goodbye to him when he left here this morning.

Lincoln: Who are you?

Sue Parsons: One Burrows is going to die. Up to you which one.

Westmoreland: Maybe I did hurt my knee. I did steal that car, and I did accidentally hit that poor lady. But how could I have hijacked a plane in Portland on November 24 when I was in Folsom finishing up a 30-day drunk and disorderly?

Guard: What the hell are you doing' here?

Michael: Clean-up detail - we thought this was storage.

Guard: This look like storage to you, you idiot? It's a restricted area. It's the CO break room. Now back it up!

Nick: If I didn't know any better, I'd say Lucas is sweet on you.

T-Bag: I'm comin' along on this endeavor whether you like it or not. I've got a hell of a singin' voice otherwise.

Katie: Can I ask you something?

Sara: Yeah.

Katie: Why do you care so much?

Sara: Because he lied to me.

Katie: They all lie to you.

Sara: Maybe because he is the one guy in here I can actually get to. One guy I can...make a difference with.

T-Bag: [about Tweener] Boy's a bit confused about his pigmentation, but he sure does have spunk.

T-Bag: [to Tweener] Blacks don't want you... Whites don't want you. You're a regular tweener.

T-Bag: Freshman!

Michael: [to T-Bag] If you want to sing, then sing.

Veronica: [in text message to LJ] Dump the phone, they're tracking you. We're in New Glarus.

Michael: The man you're talking about died the moment I stepped inside these walls.

Mrs. Steadman: If we talked about who had motive to kill Terrence, we'd be here all day.

Veronica: I'm sorry?

Mrs. Steadman: Look around. Half the people in this place were shareholders in his company.

Kellerman: [cocks pistol] Did you hear that? Did you hear it? Know what that means? Why don't you ask your mom what that means? Oh, sorry, you might have trouble getting an answer out of her right about now.

Lincoln: Are you alright?

L.J.: No. Nowhere near it.

Sucre: You think he found the hole?

Bellick: I checked my balance online, it is looking seriously deficient.

Abruzzi: It's gotta be some kind of mistake, like an accounting error or something.

Bellick: Yeah. Tell Falzone I don't stand for "accounting errors."

Nick: You know, I think you seem to be forgetting something here. I'm in the crosshairs same way you are, all for your ex-boyfriend who, unlike my father, is a scumbag criminal who just happens to be in prison for the one crime he didn't commit.

C-Note: [to Michael] Concrete is my specialty. Can you dig it?

Kellerman: [to the Vice-President, about Quinn] You woke a sleeping beast when you called these guys in. They have a bigger agenda than any of us and they get real nasty, real quick if things don't go their way.

Hale: I swear to God, it just gets deeper and deeper.

Kellerman: What's that supposed to mean?!

Hale: I'm saying that if I knew that this was how things were gonna turn out, I would have taken that crap job with the feds. Sitting by a desk all day drinking coffe and sharpening pencils. God, that sounds good.

Kellerman: Keep talking like that, I'll be forced to put a bullet in your head.

Michael: You threw away your flowers.

Sara: Like I said, they don't last.

Michael: I don't think they're dead yet.

Sara: I don't like getting attached to things if I know they won't last.

Michael: Why are you so cynical?

Sara: Michael, I think there's cynicism and then there's realism -

Michael: - and there's optimism? Hope? Faith?

Sara: This coming from an eight-toed guy locked away in a penitentiary!

Michael: (smiles) Toes are over-rated.

Sara: Thank you for trying to make me smile. Not today

Michael: You never know

Michael: Still interested in getting in on P.I.?

Tweener: Does my momma got big breasteses?

Michael: I wouldn't know.

Tweener: Hell yeah she does and hell yeah I do.

Michael: [Referring to PI pay] It pays 19 cents an hour.

Tweener: 19 cents an hour?! That's slavery, yo!

Michael: It's prison, yo.

C-Note: [to T-Bag] Are you telling me that there's a hole in Fox River that you don't want to get into?

Abruzzi: OK, let's rotate! [to T-Bag] Sergeant Sodomy, you're up next!

C-Note: You know, I got a question. :[About Abruzzi] How come Fencili over here ain't grabbin' a shovel?

Abruzzi: I'm handeling arrangements on the outside.

C-Note: Really? So what is that? Transport, papers? What?

Abruzzi: Exactly. Makes me manager.

C-Note: And that makes us just labour, right?

Abruzzi: Hm hm. No you're getting it.

Michael: We've got too many people. One of them has to go.

Sara: I'm not a jealous woman. But I'm a careful one. And for some reason, when I'm around you, I'm not...careful.

Michael: You don't have to be.

Sara: Yes, I do. There are so many questions surrounding you, Michael. There are way too many.

Sara: So you're married.

Michael: Uh, well, not in the traditional sense of the word.

Tweener: Why you need this watch so bad anyway?

Michael: Let's just say it means a lot to someone in my family.

Bellick: Says here they got married the day before Scofield robbed that bank.

Geary: Why the hell would he do that?

C-Note: You know, your parents must be so proud of you, man. I mean, hitting the trailer-park trifecta: racist, pedophile, and stupid.

T-Bag: You know, it, it vexes me that I'm made out to me the bad guy in the room. It's not like y'all were incarserated for stealin' girl scout cookies.

Abruzzi: Well, none of us murdered any girl scouts in the process.

Guard: Scofield, move it. It's time for your conjugal - your wife is here.

Sucre::[to Michael] I tell you everything about me and Maricruz and you can't even tell me you're married?!

Lincoln: Shut up and dig, T-bag

Nick: We just learned that Vice President Reynolds funneled millions of dollars in research grants into her brother's company. That money was filtered into millions of small accounts that made millions of small donations to her campaign, setting her up to be the next leader of the free world. This doesn't end with us stopping an execution any more.

Veronica: For me it does.

Michael: You kept it.

Sara: Kept what?

Michael: The flower.

Sara: Well, I'm a pack rat, I never throw anything out.

Michael: Yeah. The clutter in here is, uh... overwhelming.

Sara: You should see my apartment.

Michael: Whoa! We haven't even been on our first date and you're already inviting me in. I thought you were a nice girl.

Sara: Michael, everyone knows that nice girls finish last.

Michael: So where do you finish?

Sara: That depends on where I start. Deep breath.

T-Bag: [to Westmoreland] You know what I can't understand is why somebody like you wants to get out of here anyways. How you gonna survive, huh? The world is all different now, scary. They got computer phones, boobies made out of silicone, you won't know what to do!

Bellick: Maybe "whore" is too strong. What do you call a girl who married a felon to get into the United States? What'd she have to come here for anyway? No strip clubs in Whatzit-stan?

T-Bag: What's that smell? It smells a little like... conspiracy.

T-Bag: After all I've done, maybe I do deserve to die. Maybe I do, but you are no better than me.

Abruzzi: But I can be, if I want! God has given me the chance to choose. Maybe I should give you a chance as well.

T-Bag: Hey John, you know actually, about Jesus, [slits Abbruzi's throat] say hi to him for me, will ya?

Michael: We're not getting out of here.

T-Bag: Unfortunately, pretty, that ain't an option.

T-Bag: Remember Pretty, I am serving life plus one. So if I get busted for attempted escape, I'ma throw in a homicide, no problem, that's like a parking ticket to me!

Sucre: [on the phone with the hospital] The name is John Abruzzi, A-B-R-U-Z-Z...I don't care what protocol is, I just wanna know if he's okay. Hello? Hello? [dial tone]

C-Note: Now, you know what? There are two things that everybody needs to get with here. [to T-Bag] First, hillbilly, you have got to learn some respect. The man here made everything possible. [to Michael] And you, Fish, you have got to get with that we are doing this thing this afternoon, as soon as we get on PI.

Michael: [laughing] So you're just gonna make a run for it, in the middle of the day?

C-Note: Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, huh, baby?

Michael: You are gonna screw this whole thing up...

C-Note: It's not for you to decide anymore. Now, this train is leaving the station, and I suggest you get on it.

T-Bag: Get on the train, Fish, get on the train...

Michael: Well you know what, you sons of bitches? I won't let you do it.

T-Bag: What you gonna do, blow the whistle on your own escape?

Lincoln: I came in here a man. Give me the strength to walk out of here a man.

Lincoln: I've never given a damn about what people thought of me. Never. Last couple of days - got to admit, you know... Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes Booth... Lincoln Burrows. I'm going to go down in history with these freaks. [pauses] Bitch of it all is - I didn't do it.

Governor Tancredi: [to Sara] It's not like you're asking me for a new bike here, kid.

[Michael hums tunelessly while looking at a hand of cards]

Lincoln: You letting me win, Michael?

Michael: No...

Lincoln: Mm hmm, show me your cards.

Michael: I'm not going to show you my cards.

Lincoln: Show me your cards.

Michael: I'm not going to show you my cards!

Lincoln: Give me your cards!

[grabs the cards out of Michael's hand and slaps them on the table]

Michael: [sheepishly] Gin.

Lincoln: Funny that...

Michael: Is there any news on the appeal?

Lincoln: Don't know.

Michael: 'Cause there could still be a ch...

Lincoln: Stop... Michael, please - this is going to happen. I gotta get my head straight. Let's just share memories, swap stories, talk about the damn weather - anything but torturing myself with the idea of hope. I can't take it anymore.

Michael: So if something happenes to the chair, he's got three more weeks?

Westmoreland: There's a lot of protocol in killin' a man, new death warrant, another medical clearance.

Michael: A lot can happen in three weeks.

Tweener: Yo, what scripes yo.

Michael: Thanks,

Tweener: What y'all talkin' bout?

Westmoreland: Nothing.

T-Bag: Remember, pretty, I am servin' life plus one. So if I get busted for attempted escape, I'm goin' to throw in a homicide no problem, that's like a parkin' ticket to me.

T-Bag: [to Michael] You owe me a ticket out of here, pretty. And I will collect.

Guard: Is everything alright, Doc?

Sara: Yeah, everything's fine.

Guard: [referring to Lincoln] Why isn't he handcuffed to the table?

Sara: What's he gonna do? Steal a cotton ball?

Bellick: So you like doing that too?

Tweener: Dippin' the fry in the shake? Hells yeah.

Bellick: Mmm, good times, good times.

Bellick: How's it going in here?

Jerry: Ready for lift-off.

Bellick: [to Tweener] You better start selling your ass.

Bellick: My God, you cons are slower than a spelling bee full of stutterers!

C-Note: Wait a minute - why are you changing the plan, man? We're already through that room beneath the infirmary, that's all we gotta do is get through that pipe and we're home free!

Michael: There's a reason they replaced it with a twelve-inch pipe, Darwin - people can't get through it.

Sara: Painkillers?

Michael:How bad is it?

Sara: I'd take the pills.

Michael: Do I get to see it?

Sara: No, bandage stays on for now. Take the pills.

[Michael takes the pills, Sara is watching him]

Sara: Cellmate did this to you?

[Michael smiles, then shakes his head]

Michael: Sucre? No.

Sara: Then who did?

Michael: This is the part where I don't answer you.

[In Pope's office]

Bellick::[To Sucre] So you got so sick of Scofield's smart mouth, that you decided to deep-fry him. Is that it?

Sucre: I didn't do anything to him. I swear!

Bellick: Let's review. A locked cell. Two inmates. One gets branded like a South-Dakota steer. You think we should call Madlock in on this one?

Sucre::[looks from Bellick to the Pope and back] Who's Madlock?

Henry Pope: Fernando, you are only going to make things more difficult if you don't cooperate.

Sucre: I told you, I didn't burn him! I found him like that!

Bellick::[sarcastic] You found him like that.

Sucre: He was acting kind of weird when we lined up for final count. He was sweating you know. But he is not a big talker anyway so I didn't think much of it. Middle of the night I get up, you know, shake hands with the president, and there he is, face down on the floor.

Bellick: My. Ass.

T-Bag: You tellin' me to get to the infirmary we gotta go through the Whack Shack?!

C-Note: We'll be like ducks in a shooting range, you feel me?

Guard: Hurry it up con!

C-Note: Your plan sucks, snowflake.

Veronica [while saying goodbye to Lincoln] : I've loved you since the first time I saw you!

Lincoln: [while in the electric chair about to be electrocuted] It's him! Michael!

Veronica: What's he saying?

Lincoln: Michael, turn around! It's him!

Veronica: What do you think he's saying?

Lincoln: Michael, turn around!

Michael: Rough night? I got your message, what's the problem?

Lincoln: I lost my keys. [Michael drops them into Lincoln's hands] Where'd you find them?

Michael: About four feet that way.

Lincoln: I must have dropped them.

Michael: I have to get back to work. Speaking of which, I heard you got fired a few weeks ago, what was it this time?

Lincoln: Do you really wanna know, or are you just enjoying the view from your high horse?

Michael: You know what I want, to not have to be the older brother for my older brother.

Veronica: You want to know what the 90 grand was for?

Michael: I think I do.

Veronica: You!

Michael: What do you mean?

Veronica: The money you got when you were 18, from your mother's life insurance, the money that paid for your degree, that got you this job, that bought you your loft. Your mother never had life insurance, that money came from Lincoln.

Michael: How?

Veronica: He borrowed it, knew it'd be tough to pay back, but that didn't matter because he thought you deserved it. He also knew you'd never accept it if you knew it came from him. Michael, you are where you are because of your brother.

Michael: You're telling me... he is where he is because of me.

Michael: [as they are about to kiss, the phone rings] I'm sorry.

Veronica: What? [looks at phone and sees Lincoln's name] You gonna answer it?

Michael: He'll leave a message, he always does.

Michael: They didn't even let her testify.

Lincoln: Who?

Michael: Leticia Berris, and that cop changed his story a dozen times.

Lincoln: What part of move on don't you get?

Michael: After Mom died, when it was just you and me, I remember having trouble sleeping, never knowing where you were, but when I'd wake up in the morning there'd be this paper bird, an origami crane sitting next to my bed and I never knew what it meant exactly, but I figured it was your way of letting me know you were checking in on me. Anyway... I looked it up, the crane, stands for familial obligation, watching out for your own. Maybe it's my turn to watch out for you.

Michael: Here's the part I don't understand, all the evidence is lining up in a path that leads directly to you. They say they have you on tape, pulling the trigger. If you didn't kill Terrence Steadman, how the hell did someone make it look like you did?

Michael: Linc, I owe you an apology.

Lincoln: For what?

Michael: The night you called, if we'd talked, maybe I could have stopped...

Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, this isn't your fault.

Michael: Then whose is it?

Lincoln: Listen up, you need to forget about this, move on, work hard, do what you do.

Michael: I can't do that.

Lincoln: Oh yes you can, and you will.

T-Bag: You brought that old dirty bastard right on home, there was a candle in the window just waiting for me to walk up those front steps. You know I'm gonna get out of here someday, and when I do, don't think that I won't remember what your front steps looks like, Susan.

[Susan spits at T-Bag's viewing window]

Michael: Honestly Linc, I don't know how it's come to this. And you can't keep blaming mom for dying and dad for leaving cause I was there too. The difference is I got out. Mom had life insurance, I took my half, put myself through school. What'd you do with your half Link?

Lincoln: Everything is not always how it looks, Michael.

Michael: I hope for your sake that's true.

Michael: So... same time tomorrow?

Lincoln: They're.. um.. transferring me to a prison, where I'll wait until they execute me.

Michael: Can I still visit?

Lincoln: Yeah, not that far... a place called Fox River.

Michael: Fox River?

Lincoln: Yeah... why?

Michael: Nothing.

Avocado: [referring to Tweener] Look at it... she's just a baby.

Avocado: You prob'ly don't have a hair on your body, do ya?

Tweener: Just back yer punk ass up.

Tweener: Come on man I just need some time.

Bellick: You had your time, you're a waste of my fries.

Tweener: [after the whole crew dumps their dirty paint brushes in Tweener's bucket for him to clean] A'ight, sorry I busted up the party, yo.

Michael: I put my blood into this. [starts punching the wall frantically]

Michael: I need for you to draw the picture for me.

Haywire: Who are you?

T-Bag: Trust me, son. When I play cards, it ain't gamblin'.

T-Bag: What are we, the A train? Everyone gets to ride with us?

T-Bag: Woo! Looks like the bank of Africa wasn't allowing any withdrawals.

Michael: Geary.

Pope: Geary.

Michael: He shakes cons down for money, anything he can get his hands on. He knew I went to college, so he must've... he must have thought I was rich or something.

Pope: I've never seen one of these requests granted before...not ever.

Lincoln: Good lawyers.

Pope: No lawyer is that good.

T-Bag: A full house...that's a concept a Mexican should be quite familiar with. Eh, Zazu?

Westmoreland: Outliving your wife, that's bad enough. Outliving your daughter, no man should have to do that.

Haywire: It's the pathway to hell.

Michael: No it's not, it's just the opposite.

Haywire: I remember.

Guard: What the hell are you staring at, anyway?

Lincoln: Everything...

Tweener: Believe me what I got is worth it, so you gonna step up or what?

Bellick: This is your last chance Tweener, blow smoke again and I'll be scraping you off the heel of my boot.

Tweener: Scofield and this whole PI crew, they're escaping.

[Michael kisses Sara]

Sara: What do you want from me, Michael?

Michael: Sara... I need you to do something for me.

Sara: What?

Michael: Wait for me... it won't always be like this. In this room, in this place.

Sara: Until then, I can't... we can't... damn it... I can't... and I gotta go.

Michael: How are you?

Sara: I'm fine, you?

Michael: Fine.

Sara: Can I have your hand please?

Nurse Katie: Here they are.

Sara: Here what are?

Nurse Katie: Your keys. They were right over there by your endbox. You got a maintenance guy waiting outside here said you wanted to change the locks. You want me to call him off?

Sara: [she glares at Michael] No, send him in.

Maintenance man: Is it okay if I...

Sara: Yeah, we're about done here. [Michael looks worried] Is there something wrong?

Michael: No. Unless you want to talk about what happened this morning.

Sara: I think I have a pretty good idea. We're done here.

Tweener: I'm dead no matter what.

Michael: There may be another way out of here.

Tweener: Yeah, in a body bag.

Michael: I need to know if I can trust you.

Tweener: I'm straight up as they come, you know.

Michael: No, I mean really trust you.

Lincoln: You know what you've done, the mother of my child is dead.

Dad: I know.

Lincoln: Do you? [smashing things] Then I'm guessing you know Michael's in Fox River and L.J.'s rotting in some prison.

Dad: I know all this.

Sucre: Have you figured out how you're gonna get the key to the infirmary yet?

Michael: Not quite.

Sucre: You working your game on her, or what?

Michael: I don't know.

Michael: I'm glad you're back.

Abruzzi: I'm surprised you're still here, I thought you'd be gone by now.

Michael: Well, we had a few setbacks.

Abruzzi: Still planning on it?

Governor Tancredi: What was it your mother used to say? It's always nice to be invited to the dance even if you don't have the right shoes.

Sara: Yeah. She also used to say that your father is a lying bastard.

Governor Tancredi: [to Sara] I will not discuss morality with an addict and a thief.

Avocado: How many times I gotta say it? You only got one thing I need.

Sara: I was part of your plan. Was it all an act?

Michael: At first, yes. I needed to be here. But then I wanted to be here. With you.

Sara: Right.

Michael: And it's killing me to know that you'll never believe that. Whatever you may think of me, this is about Lincoln. Don't make him pay for my mistakes.

Michael Scofield: [holding a shank to the Warden] I'm breaking out, and you're going to make sure my brother goes with me.

T-Bag: [about being handcuffed to Michael] I guess it was just meant to be, eh fellas?

Abruzzi: [chops off T-Bag's hand] He's lucky I didn't take this to his head.

Sucre: You... you cut his... you cut his...

Lincoln: Sucre, shut up! C'mon, let's go.

Sucre: [gesturing to T-Bag] We can't just leave him here...

C-Note: You wanna stay here, be my guest.

Sucre: [looking at the police approaching them] What do we do now?

Michael: We run.


	14. Chapter 14 Ex Nihil Absurdum

Noein has ceased to exist because no one acknowledged his existence.

The scar on Fukurou's left eye is caused by a stab wound he received during his high school years when he saved one of his friends from being stabbed.

Haruka is an observer, which allows anything that she sees come true, which is why Ai didn't want her to see Yuu's body dead while his living counterpart was drifting in Shangri-la.

Haruka, with her evergrowing powers, sends the raiding units of Shangri-la away, successfully protecting her hometown.

Kosagi disconnected her pipeline in order to witness the moment Karasu is annihilated.

Ai in the future still has the cell phone strap and ornament that Isami gave her when they were children.

Fukurou is Isami of the future.

We see the birth of Quantum Teleportation in Uchida's meeting.

This is the first episode in which Karasu smiles.

Miyuki and Asuka used to be good friends, and even contemplated running away to Tokyo together.

Haruka's mother's name is Asuka.

Yuu's aunt died in a car crash during her High School years.

Yuu's grandmother died two years prior to this episode.

Soldiers who sign up as dragon knights are given new names, which is why Karasu is referred to "Karasu" and not "Yuu".

Yuu's mom's real name is Miyuki.

Amamiku is Ai of the future.

Lily is the daughter to the future Miho.

Karasu is seen carving crow sculptures. Karasu means crow in Japanese

The title of this episode can be read in two ways: Ie de (家で; at home) or Iede (家出; running away from home). What happens in this episode and the topic of conversation between the two main characters in episode 1, it's more likely that the title means "running away from home."

When Karasu (Japanese for crow) appears in a scene, he's often surrounded by crows, such as in the graveyard scene.

Haruka's dog appears to be a Great Pyrenees.

Metalseadramon: This my moment to shine! Does my hair look alright?

Divermon: Ya.

T.k Takaishi: How boring. I'm not having any fun at all!

Puppetmon: (aghast) What? I'm the life of the party...I put the fun in fungus.

TK Takaishi: (scoffs) HA! You just play the same game over and over again...boring!

Puppetmon: (distraught) I'm not boring!

T.k Takaishi: (Being held at eye level by Matt) Gee, Matt, you look different, have you done something with your hair?

Matt: (deadpan) No, I'm just not using as much hair gel that's all.

Sora: What kinda sicko turns people into keychains?!

Piedmon: I'm not a sicko. I'm a collector, and these new items have such sentimental value to me.

Kari Kamiya: His smile makes him look so gentle.

TK Takaishi: Yeah, but his hair makes him look a bit' like you, Kari.

Kari: I can't leave now, there's a magician coming over and I've already promised to get sawed in half!

Tai: Well, make sure the half with feet comes home as soon as possible!

Mimi: Ew, what's that awful smell?

Tai: Heh, sorry. I guess now we know why they call them sweat socks huh?

Tentomon: Whenever my skin gets dirty, I just shed it.

Izzy Izumi: That would be difficult for me.

Ken: You will bow down before me.

T.K. Takashi: Sorry, the floor's kind of dirty.

T.K. Takashi: When you can't think of anything to say, do you always resort to fighting?

Ken: I guess...

T.K. Takashi: That's your problem. You don't know when to talk and when to fight. Now's a good time to talk... on the other hand... it's also a good time to fight! (punches Ken).

[about Piedmon]

Joe: He made them all disappear.

Tentomon: Well, at least he didn't saw them in half.

Matt: I've been living a lie.

Gabumon: You're not a real blonde?

Cherrymon: Behold the face of your rival!

Matt: So you're saying... I have to fight Tai, is that it? [laughs] Nice try, foliage face! You had me going there! You'll have to do better than that!

Cherrymon: I had nothing to do with it. The Lake of Truth reflects only what is in a person's heart, hence the name.

Matt: You gotta be kidding.

Cherrymon: Sorry, kid. It's never wrong.

Matt: That right? Well, I got news for you. It's off this time, way off!

BlackWarGreymon: I'm going to a place were all things get lost.

Davis: You should try my sock drawer.

Davis: Sorry I'm late. I was supposed to get a haircut but when I looked in the mirror, I realized my hair was already perfect.

Yolei: The only thing is he was staring in the mirror for over an hour.

Arukenimon: Oh, don't go anywhere. I'll be back to destroy you in a minute.

Mummymon: Ditto that.

Davis: Destiny Stones can break my bones, but you guys are real losers!

Davis: Alright, if you're gonna destroy me, then will you please proceed to wash your hands first? I like to keep things clean.

Veemon: Good thing he hasn't seen your room...

Ken: (Thinking) It looks like Cody still hates me. Well, here it goes.

Cody: (Thinking) It looks like Ken still hates me. Well, here he comes.

Ken: Here you go, Cody. You're invited, too.

Cody: Really? I'm glad I made your list!

Ken: Ahem. I request the honor of your presence at a holiday celebration. That is...

TK: Say no more. You're having a Christmas party. We're in!

Veemon: Hey Ken, can we come?

Ken: Of course! Maybe you'll even catch Gatomon under the mistletoe!

Ken: Come on, Davis! Can't we move any faster?

Davis: Don't be a backseat driver, Ken!

Davis: Hey, it's getting pretty dark in these woods. Here, Kari, I'll hold your hand so you won't get scared.

Kari: I'm not scared.

T.K.: And it's not her hand... it's mine.

[Joe is doubled up on the floor in pain and clutching his stomach]

Kari: Joe, what is it?

Joe: My stomach.

Kari: What's wrong does it hurt?

Joe: No. I'm just doing this 'cause it's fun.

Mimi: Everyone's being so nice, so sweet!

Palmon: Must be because of your charming personality!

Ogremon: Something tells me we should just nod our heads and go along.

Meramon: Yeah, right.

Gomamon: Come on, admit it Joe! Say it! She's charming!

Joe: (blushing) SHE'S NOT CHARMING! I mean she is! I'm... not going to have this conversation!

Sora: Cheer up. Tell me how you like your eggs and I'll do the best I can.

Joe: I prefer my eggs to be covered in salt and pepper, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

Tai: I like soy sauce.

Matt: How about salsa?

Sora: How about a reality check?

Izzy: I'll have mine with mustard and jellybeans, please.

Matt: How gross!

T.K.: Jellybeans. That sounds good.

Mimi: What? You're all weird! My favorite is eggs covered in maple syrup! Sometimes I like to eat them with cherries on top!

Tai: Now that's weird!

T.K.: But I bet it's good.

Joe: You guys are completely making me lose my appetite! I mean, come on. Jellybeans and cherries on eggs? That's just crazy talk! Salt and pepper is all they need. Keep it simple. That's always been my motto.

Tai: Be ready when I give the signal.

Izzy: Roger.

Mimi: He forgot his name!

Joe: [looking at a picture of Gommamon] Alright, look at Gommamon!

Gomamon: I'm cuter in person.

Gennai: You must never forget that you are the Digidestined.

Joe: I'll never forget this stomachache.

Koromon: How did you know my card was the fake, Tai?

Tai: I didn't. I kept your card because you're my friend.

Koromon: (sarcastically) Oh, how nice.

Sora: There are millions of kids like us in the world.

Biyomon: You mean there are millions of Soras?

Sora: (yelling) There's only one of me!

Tai: Did you find anything down there, Izzy?

Tentomon: You could say that, Tai, but the thing is we're up here and you're down there.

Agumon: I think you guys may need glasses. We're way up here above you.

Izzy: But that can't be! That's scientifically impossible!

Davis: See that guys? I got a noogie! It means I'm one of the guys now!

Demiveemon: Davis? If you're one of the guys now, does that means you were one of the girls before? Why can't you humans ever make up your minds? I'm so confused...

Davis: Let's go, T.A.!

TK Takashi: T.A.?

Kari: He forgot how to spell T.K.!

Tentomon: Exactly, but TK and Kari not only have moms and dads, they have something else too.

Izzy's Father: They have brothers.

Tentomon: In a word, bingo!

Izzy: Why would you want them shooting arrows at your loved ones? Sounds kind of dangerous to me.

Izzy's Mother: They're angels, Izzy. Maybe they're like Cupid, he was sort of like an angel. When he shot arrows, they were arrows of love.

Izzy: Mom, isn't that a little corny?

Tentomon: It may be corny, but I believe it. All we have to do is get Angemon and Angewomon to hit you guys with their arrows of love.

Izzy: Hey! Let's not be too hasty here!

Matt Ishida: Well, what do you think?

Tai: It's worth a shot. Kari!

Matt: T.K.!

T.K.: You sure you wanna?

Tai: Let's see these arrows of hope and light!

Matt: You two have got to get them to shoot at us.

Tai: They'll only do it if you tell them to.

Kari: You really want them to shoot you?

TK: What if you get, like, dead or something?

Matt: Never happen.

Kari: Okay. Angewomon!

TK: Angemon, listen up! I know this maybe sounds crazy but shoot Matt and Tai with your arrows.

Kari: You too, Angewomon.

Angemon: He's right.

Angewomon: Sounds crazy, but...

Gabumon: Wait! You sure about this?

Agumon: What if that prophecy's all wrong?

Tai: You guys want a miracle to happen or not?

Matt: Yeah, miracles require a little faith. Scared, Tai?

Tai: No, no at all. How 'bout you, Matt?

Matt: Course not! Piece of cake! (Matt takes Tai's hang) But maybe I'll just hang onto you to make sure you don't chicken out or anything.

Tai: Yeah. right. I'll do the same for you, buddy. (Their crests start to glow)

Angemon: One miracle...!

Angewomon: ...comin' up!

[Joe catches Gomamon eating]

Joe: Did I just hear you eating again?!

Gomamon: Uh-huh.

Joe: Didn't I tell you not to eat all the food, since we don't know when we'll find land?! I told you that we need to ration, which means save food for later, as in "much later"!

Gomamon: But it is later Joe. You told me that 20 minutes ago.

Joe: [shakes his partner] 20 minutes is not much later! Please tell me there is still some food in the bag!

Gomamon: Well, no. Since you can't handle eating and floating on the ocean at the same time, I ate it all. Besides, I need food to Digivolve in case we run into bad Digimon.

Joe: [shakes his partner again] So, have we seen any bad Digimon?! NO! If I starve, who are you gonna protect?!

[he retches and heaves over the side of the bed]

Gomamon: That's enough about food. Things'll get better soon. Hang in there buddy.

[both see a crate coming near the bed]

Gomamon: That crate is gonna hit us!

Joe: Maybe it's full of fruit, vegetables, bread, milk, cereal, hot dogs, cookies, candy, and soda?!

Gomamon: I wish!

Joe: [shakes his partner yet again] You wish?! We wouldn't need more food if you hadn't eaten ours!

Gomamon: You're strong when you're hungry!

Joe: Starvation is a good motivator. Looks like we'll need a jackhammer to open this.

Yolei: I hate Go Fish. Can't we play something else?

Davis: Sure, let's play strip-

Patamon: Aren't cats supposed to land on their feet?

Gatomon: Oh, shut up.

Veemon: Now that Ken's run Tentomon out of his tree, maybe we can climb it and have a look around.

Davis: You bet!

Tentomon: Stay out of my tree! I know exactly how many pieces of bark are on it.

[After Davis makes an unamusing joke about cutting ShogunGekomon's hair]

Kari: Davis, sometimes you're so insensitive.

Davis: (jumps around flailing his arms) I'm so sensitive that I use a special toothpaste so my teeth don't hurt when I eat ice cream! Ahhh!

[Kari giggles and laughs]

Apocalymon: Do you think it's fair that I have to live with all this agony?! Why should you get to laugh, while I am forced to cry?! Why do you get to taste the best that life has to offer, while all I can do is choke on its leftovers?! Answer me this! WHY DO ALL OF YOU GET THE PIZZA, WHILE I GET THE CRUST?!

Mimi: Ahh, I can't take all these metaphors!

Izzy: Boy, this guy really holds a grudge.

Apocalymon: I will rule the world and plunge it into darkness, so that I don't have to be alone anymore in my misery! [laughs madly] Wait a minute, what am I laughing at? I'm supposed to be depressed!

Mimi: Oh my! I would just love to take on home and put it on my bed with all my other stuffed animals!

Matt: There she goes again. Do you think Mimi hears the same things we hear? I'm not so sure anymore.

Izzy: Maybe she's an alien spy.

T.K: Smells better than broccoli. Who knows, it might taste better.

Matt: Has anybody noticed? We talk a lot about food.

Sora: Nah, I'm not hungry.

Joe: I'm skipping this one too. I just don't like to eat on an empty stomach. Besides, I don't even know what that stuff is, but I'm sure I'm allergic to it.

Agumon: Now let's try some solo performances, starting with Mimi.

Tai: Mimi?

Sora: Mimi?

Izzy: Mimi?

Matt: Singing?

Mimi: Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam... (Singing badly)

Joe: Avoiding your song.

Mimi: Oh come on I had singing lessons for three years.

T.K: Oh you did? Did it help?

Izzy: Mimi, you should get a refund. That's what I think.

Kari: [after Wizardmon sacrificed himself to save her and Gatomon] Wizardmon, you're gonna be all right. Please don't leave! Wizardmon!

Wizardmon: [weakly] Are you all right, Gatomon?

Gatomon: [in tears] You saved me. I'm sorry.

Wizardmon: About what?

Gatomon: I'm sorry that I got you involved in this.

Wizardmon: Don't be sorry. I don't have any regrets. If I wouldn't met you, my life would have no meaning. I'm glad you and I were friends.

Gatomon: That's forever.

Wizardmon: Thank you for everything, Gatomon. [dies]

Gotsumon: [Pumpkinmon runs right into a teenager who falls down on the ground] Wow, you hit down some kind of monster!

Pumpkinmon: Even worse, I think I hit down a teenager!

Matt: You're a thief! We worked so hard we could afford a trip to Hawaii!

Digitamamon: [Growing furiously] Hawaii is not on the schedule, but if you insist I'll send you to the moon! [Attacks]

Myotismon: [To Wizardmon] Did you really think you could betray me and get away with it?

Wizardmon: [Protecting Gatomon] How could I betray you? I was never on your side to start with!

[non American dub] (while Angewomon and Deviwomon (LadyDevimon) are slapping each other)

Taichi: Is that how women fight?

Koushirou: Yeah, they must slap each other to death!

(The bitter fight between Angewomon and Deviwomon (LadyDevimon) has become a heated, and comical, slapping catfight. The guys all stare.)

Tai: Wow... Look at 'em go.

Izzy: I know I shouldn't be watching, but I can't take my eyes off them.

Kari: Get her Angewomon! That's right! Knock that witch's block off! Go!

Angewomon: Vamdemon. Not only did you interfere with the Chosen Children's mission, but you have invaded the real world and killed my friend, Wizarmon. Learn the full weight of your sins!

Vamdemon: I will change everything in this world into darkness! After fusing this place with the Digital World, I will become its sole ruler! I only did what I was destined to do!

Angemon: Vamdemon. Does this mean you have no intent of repenting for your sins?

Vamdemon: Hmph. Dead-

Angewomon: Saint Air!

Vamdemon: Ugh!

MetalGreymon: My strength is being restored!

WereGarurumon: Now!

Garudamon: Give our power to Angewomon!

AtlurKabuterimon: Horn Buster!

Lillymon: Flower Cannon!

Zudomon: Vulcan's Hammer!

WereGarurumon: Wolf Claw!

Garudamon: Wing Blade!

MetalGreymon: Giga Blaster!

Angemon: Hand of Fate!

Angewomon: Celestial Arrow!

Vamdemon: Don't! Uuuu... Uuuuaaarrrghhh!

Finster: Oh, it's good to be free after 10,000 years!

[to fleeing astronauts]

Rita: Don't leave! You'll miss my coming-out party. That's when I destroy the nearest planet!

[the nearest planet happens to be... Earth]

Alpha: Danger! Danger! It's the big one! I know it! We'll all be destroyed!

Zordon: Calm down, Alpha! It's Rita. She's escaped, and she's attacking the planet.

Alpha: Ay-yi-yi! What do we do?!

Zordon: Teleport to us five overbearing and over-emotional humans.

Alpha: No! Not that! Not teenagers!

Zordon: That's correct, Alpha.

Alpha: I was afraid of that.

Billy: [sees Alpha] A fully sentient, multifunctional automaton. I've never seen anything like it.

Zack: Mastodon!

Kimberly: Pterodactyl!

Billy: Triceratops!

Trini: Saber-Toothed Tiger!

Jason: Tyrannosaurus!

All 5: Power Rangers!

Jason: Back off, fang-face!

Zack: The good guys are here!

Billy: Get off our planet!

Trini: 'Cause we're the Power Rangers!

Kimberly: And we're not backin' down!

Goldar: You and your weapons are no match for me!

Rita: Goldar, you failed!

Goldar: It won't happen again, empress!

Rita: Shut up! I've got a headache!


	15. Chapter 15 work work work

Work Work Work

My name is Oliver Queen. For five years, I was stranded on an island with only one goal: survive. Now I will fulfill my father's dying wish - to use the list of names he left me and bring down those who are poisoning my city. To do this, I must become someone else. I must become something else.

Dexter: I've lived in darkness a long time. Over the years my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see.

Doakes: Surprise, motherfucker!

Dexter: Are you following me now?

Doakes: You better have a hell of a reason for being here.

Dexter: I'm looking for my sister.

Doakes: In a cargo box?

Dexter: Yeah. I'm kinda working on a theory.

Doakes:You forget your work for the fucking cops? We love theories. Come on. Spin a story, asshole.

Debra: [sobbing] This isn't you.

Rudy/Brian: Pretty sure it is.

Debra: No, no there's more. I've seen it.

Rudy/Brian: I never wanted to hurt you.

Debra: I know. I know.

Rudy/Brian: [pause] Does this make it easier for you? Because I can keep going.

Rudy/Brian: I just wanted to have a beer with you before we got started. Made that kind of difficult.

Dexter: Sorry.

Rudy/Brian: You don't ever have to apologize to me, Dexter. Not for who you are, or anything you do.

Rudy/Brian: Your victims. Are they all killers?

Dexter: Yes.

Rudy/Brian: Harry teach you that?

Dexter: He taught me a code. To survive.

Rudy/Brian: Like an … absurd avenger?

Dexter: That's not why I kill.

Rudy/Brian: You can be yourself around me. Who. Am. I?

Dexter: A killer. Without reason or regret. Free.

Rudy/Brian: You can be that way too.

Dexter: But the code …

Rudy/Brian: [laughs] Dex! You don't have a code. Harry did. Now he's been dead ten years. You can't keep – keep him sitting on your shoulder like Jiminy Fucking Cricket! You need to embrace who you are now.

Dexter: I don't know who I am.

Rudy/Brian: 'Course you don't. You've been away from your family since you were three. But I'm here now. I can help you. We can take this journey together.

Dexter: I can't. Not Deb …

Rudy/Brian: No – no, don't say that.

Dexter: I'm very … fond of her.

Rudy/Brian: You can't be a killer and a hero. It doesn't work that way!

Dexter: [voiceover] Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for everything inside me that's denied and unknown to be revealed. But I'll never know. I live my life in hiding. My survival depends on it.

Tommy Merlyn: Wow. You look just really lovely.

Laurel: Lovely. Well, it's nice that you've extended your vocabulary from words like hot and mega hot.

Tommy: You can just say thank you, you know.

Oliver: I think you have the wrong impression about what is it I do.

Diggle: You take out bad guys with a bow and arrow.

Oliver: I don't fight street crime. That's a symptom of what's wrong with this city; I'm trying to cure the disease.

Diggle: CEOs and crooked entrepreneurs, I get it. Listen, Oliver, I'm just saying maybe you can make a difference if you think beyond the scope of those pages. I'm sure your father wouldn't mind.

Oliver: No, you don't get it. My father died so that I could live. Live and make a difference by fixing the city that he and the people in this book ruined. Every name that I cross off this list honors that sacrifice.

Diggle: Oliver, there's more than one way to save this city.

Oliver: Not for me. Crime happens in this city every day. What do you want me to do? Stop all of it?

Diggle: Sounds like you have a narrow definition of being a hero.

Oliver: I'm not a hero.

Moira: I expect you to be there.

Oliver: I have plans.

Moira: That's fine. Brunch is tomorrow.

Thea: Hmm. inches from a clean getaway.

Moira: Well, you too, Thea.

Oliver: Snap.

Thea: Nobody says that anymore.

Oliver: What?

Oliver: You lied to me.

Diggle: You asked me to work with you, not for you. And when you did, you said it was because you understood the kind of man I am. Well, Oliver, I'm the kind of man who doesn't walk away when there's a chance to make a difference. And neither does Stan Washington. Oliver, I'm not finished talking. Where are you going?

Oliver: To make a difference. Let's catch some bank robbers.

Diggle: Please don't tell me you're going where I think you're going.

Oliver: Diggle, why do you even ask?

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

Michael: You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

Dwight: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?

Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.

Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.

Dwight: Yeah...

Michael: What's his name?

Dwight: ...Crentist.

Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.

Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam: What time is it there?

Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.

Pam: Uh, oh, yeah, right.

Jim: How far away did you think we were?

Pam: I don't know. It felt far.

Jim: ...Yeah.

Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Jim: I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.

Dwight: [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO!

Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.

Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy: On the contrary.

Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.

Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!

Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?

Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Michael: I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!

Angela: Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?

Prison Mike: Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!

Jim: Where did you learn all of this?

Prison Mike: Internet.

Jim: So, not prison.

Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?

Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.

Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.

Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!

Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

Dwight: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!

Toby: C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Michael: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.

Stanley: You can't cancel a holiday.

Michael: Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.

Stanley: What's that mean?

Michael: Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.

Ryan: I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.

Michael: Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.

Michael: Why do I feel like crap?

Jim: You just had a rebound.

Michael: A rebound?

Jim: Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like— the one that broke your heart.

Pam: [seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?

Michael: No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.

Michael: Jan? You complete me.

Jan: ...Oh god.

Drill sergeant: Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!

Andy Botwin: What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.

Celia Hodes: Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?

Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

Sullivan Groff: [Of a french restaurant chain]Same menu, same framed posters, same smell. It has a certain ... comforting predictability to it.

[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]

Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?

Pam Gruber: Silas!

Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?

Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?

Pam Gruber: [when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?

Silas Botwin: I'm fine.

Pam Gruber: You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.

Silas Botwin: Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?

Pam Gruber: Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?

Silas Botwin: I guess not!

Pam Gruber: [suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!

[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]

Walter: After we finish cleaning up this mess, we will go our separate ways. Our paths will never cross and we will tell this to no one. Understood?

Jesse: Oh what, I can talk now? [pause] Fine! That goes double for me!

[Walter and Jesse hear a moan. They turn around and notice Krazy-8 is still barely alive]

Jesse: Oh shit.

Walter: What is his reputation for violence?

Jesse: Well, um, he did try to kill us both yesterday, so there's that.

Jesse: Mr. White? Are you smoking weed? Oh my God! Wait a minute, is that my weed? What the hell, man? Make yourself at home, why don't you?

Walter: So what did you end up buying?

Jesse: Nothing. No store in town sells a plastic bin big enough for a body.

Walter: I don't suppose you could buy two bins... [makes a sawing motion] Legs in one, torso in the other?

Jesse: God. I don't suppose you could kiss my ass?

Skyler: Who's this Jesse Pinkman to you?

Walter: He...sells me pot.

Skyler: He sells you pot?

Walter: Marijuana, yeah. Not a lot. I mean, I don't know. I kind of like it.

Skyler: Are you out of your mind? What are you, like sixteen years old? Your brother-in-law is a DEA agent! What is wrong with you?

Walter: Skyler, I just...haven't quite been myself lately.

Skyler: Yeah, no shit. Thanks for noticing.

Walter: I haven't been myself lately, but I love you. Nothing about that has changed, nothing ever will. So right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you please, just once, get off my ass, you know? I'd appreciate it, I really would.

Jesse: You got a brother in the goddamned DEA?!

Walt: What?

Jesse: You said you were just doing some ride-along! Yes or no, do you have a brother in the DEA?

Walt: Brother-in-law.

Jesse: Oh, now there's a load off my mind.

Walt: Where did you hear that?

Jesse: Your freaking wife told me when she was here all up on my shit! Yeah, that's right. She almost caught me moving Emilio! Good job wearing the pants in the family! And why did you go telling her I was selling you weed?

Walt: Because somehow it seemed preferable to admitting that I cook crystal meth and killed a man.

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]

Bubbles: I want my kitty.

Ricky: Frig off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!

Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.

Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.

Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.

Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.

Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't- never said you could keep him.

Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?

Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!

[Julian storms out of his trailer]

Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!

Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!

Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!

Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!

Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!

[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]

Ricky: Look... You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.

Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.

[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]

Julian: (to Ricky) Stay in the car!

[ Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]

Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!

[Ricky struggles to get the door open]

Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!

[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: Fuckin' let me out of here! I want that cat back! I need him!

Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.

Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

Ricky: Yeah, me and Lucy broke up again and it sucks. You know, I'm not real happy about it but it's one of those things, I guess. Hopefully she'll come around... Bubbles, get off my property.

Bubbles: (off camera) Go fuck yourself, Ricky!

Ricky: And hopefully she'll take me back. Until then I'm perfectly happy living in this car and hopefully she'll come around soon, I guess. Bubbles, frig off and get off my property!

[Ricky and Bubbles square off like boxers]

Bubbles: You fuckin' want one?

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer; through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard]

Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...

Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever and...I mean, it was...it was a long time ago and...You know, nothing really happened.

Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but...I don't know, I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]

Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?

Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.

Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.

Lucy: (mockingly) Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!

Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct-taped to the side of his car]

Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Lahey: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?

Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?

Lahey: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!

Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]

Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian: Get out of my way.

[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]

Ray: (drunkenly) What are you doing with the tunes, Julian?!

Julian: Get off my property, Ray!

[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]

Ray: What? Wha... No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky: (to Julian) Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky: It's my property!

Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]

Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.

Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

Donna: I'm out.

Tom: Why?!

Donna: I hate that guy.

Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."

Tom: So you weren't thinking.

Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

Evelyn: What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?

Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.

Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.

Leslie: ...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?

Evelyn: No!

Leslie: No.

Evelyn: He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.

Leslie: Ew.

[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]

Tom: This thing is a mess.

Carl: WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.

Tom: What's this one?

Carl: THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.

Leslie: Why didn't you just tell everybody the truth?

Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]

Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What'd you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?

Leslie: Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.

David: I thought you were dead, Clarence.

Clarence: No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.

David: Screw you, you old coot.

Michael: Classic David. You're worse than Ron.

Ron: Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.

Leslie: OK great, let's go!

Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?

April: The super old one.

Andy: Really?

April: Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

Maya Gallo: What position do you play?

Dennis Finch: Catcher. Also the manager. Because of the three P's: poise, patience, and psex appeal.

Glenn: I, for one, do not enjoy looking like a fool.

Dennis Finch: You're gonna have to take that one up with God.

Jack Gallo: Dennis, have you seen my Louisville Slugger?

Dennis Finch: Don't you remember? You were swinging it around in your office and it flew out of your hands and out the window.

Jack Gallo: Doesn't ring a bell.

Dennis Finch: Oh, come on. It fell twenty-three stories, went through the roof of a Gypsy cab and gave that German tourist a deep thigh bruise.

Jack Gallo: Oh, yeah. Master race my ass. That guy was crying like a baby.

Maya Gallo: I didn't know we had a softball team.

Dennis Finch: Yeah, we have our annual game against Cosmo this Saturday.

Maya Gallo: I don't remember a game last year.

Dennis Finch: Well, it was called on account of a minor incident the year before. Nina provided protein drinks and we had to forfeit the game because we thought the world was being attacked by giant hummingbirds.

Dennis Finch: I just got off the phone with my contact from the National Weather Center.

Elliot DiMauro: You mean the recording?

Nina Van Horn: Hey, Maya. We're thinking on a nickname for you.

Maya Gallo: I don't want a nickname. I wanna pitch.

Elliot DiMauro: How about Swifty?

Glenn: Rocket?

Dennis Finch: Screamer?

Nina Van Horn: Already taken.

Elliot DiMauro: [thinking] Springtime. Hope. Baseball. Through all our tribulant times, one thing never changes: baseball.

Dennis Finch: Hey, Clueless Joe. Cup goes in front.

Dennis Finch: Hey, new guy. Can you hit?

Steve Garvey: Well, I was the National League MVP...

Dennis Finch: Yeah, whatever. Grab a bat.

Maya Gallo: Shouldn't we go practice?

Dennis Finch: Not in this weather. There's something about my shape and chemical composition that makes me a human lighting rod.

Maya Gallo: It's just rain! You're not going to melt!

Nina Van Horn: Sure. That's what they told my best friend Binnie.

Dennis Finch: Maya, I'm taking you out of the game.

Maya Gallo: Yeah? You and how many Green Berets?

Dennis Finch: I know you like to think of this as your team, but remember, this is my team. My team! I don't ask that you to love me, but I do demand your respect.

[to pretty woman]

Dennis Finch: Scratch that. I ask you to love me.

David Palmer: All right, "On this historic occasion..."

Patty Brooks: Well, it is a historic occasion, sir.

Kim: So, is she still giving you the cold shoulder?

Jack: If by "she" you're referring to your mother, I'd appreciate if you called her by her name. Mom. And no, she's just busy.

Kim: She's busy a lot.

Vincent O'Brien: Hello?

Jack: Vincent, Jack Bauer. You planning on seeing Kimberly tonight?

Vincent O'Brien: No way, man. We broke up, you know that.

Jack: I just wanted to make sure you knew that.

Vincent: Snuck out on you, huh?

Jack: Don't screw with me, Vincent.

Vincent O'Brien: Chill, man. I don't know where she is. You've got my word.

Jack: That's a real comfort, Vincent, knowing I've got your word.

Jamey Farrell: How long is this going to take?

Nina: Why, are we interrupting your social life?

Jamey Farrell: At least I have one.

Nina: Funny.

Jack:Tony. I need detailed background on everyone on Senator Palmer's staff now.

Tony: Why?

Jack: Because I think this is about him and I want us to be prepared.

Tony: If it leaks out that we're screening Senator Palmer, people might think it's because he's black.

Jack: Well, it is because he's black. It makes him the most likely target.

Richard Walsh: We have reason to believe that by the end of the day an attempt will be made on David Palmer's life.

Richard Walsh: How are you doing?

Jack: I can't complain.

Richard Walsh: Can't or won't?

Richard Walsh: If Palmer gets hit, the first African-American with a real shot at the White House, they'll tear this country apart.

Nina: You're lying.

Jack: Yes I am. But you're still going to have to trust me.

Jack: I was thinking we should try to remember what it was like when we were kids.

Teri Bauer: It's a different world now, Jack.

Jack: Yeah, I know.

Jack: George. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call your boss so I can get clearance on the identification of the source.

George Mason: I thought we just agreed that it didn't matter.

Jack: Yeah, but I still have to call Walsh and tell him I did everything I could. I would like to cover my own ass.

George Mason: Jack, you're finally learning how to play the game.

Jack: You can look the other way once, and it's no big deal, except it makes it easier for you to compromise the next time, and pretty soon that's all you're doing; compromising, because that's the way you think things are done. You know those guys I busted? You think they were the bad guys? Because they weren't, they weren't bad guys, they were just like you and me. Except they compromised... Once.

Nina: Tony, I need you to do something for me.

Tony: For you or for Jack?

George Mason: You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Jack: Why don't you explain it to me. You've got five seconds.


	16. Chapter 16 That Flash Effect

My name is Barry Allen. And I am the fastest man alive. When I was a child I saw my mother killed by something impossible. My father went to prison for her murder. Then an accident made me the impossible. To the outside world I am an ordinary forensic scientist, but secretly I use my speed to fight crime and find others like me. And one day, I'll find who killed my mother and get justice for my father. I am the Flash.

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso: Change one thing, change everything.

Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso: If anyone finds this, it means my plan didn't work and I'm already dead. But if I can somehow go back to the beginning of all of this, I might be able to save her.

Hyde: Get up and make it better!

Kelso: I'll come back for you.

[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]

Hyde: Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie: [Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde: Hey, Kelso!

Kelso: I've already lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again.

Hyde: How's it look from down there?!

Kelso: Yeah, you remember me? We had a nice chat once when I was seven...

Red: Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—

Red: My foot kicking your ass.

[after finding Clark]

Jonathan Kent: Kids just don't fall out of the sky, Martha.

Martha Kent: Then where did he come from?

Jonathan Kent: I don't know. But he must have parents.

[they both find the space ship]

Martha Kent: Well, if he does, they're definitely not from Kansas.

Jonathan Kent: Sweetheart, we can't keep him. What are we gonna tell people? We found him out in a field?

Martha Kent: We didn't find him... he found us.

Lana Lang: Nietzsche? I didn't know you have a dark side, Clark.

Clark Kent: Doesn't everyone?

Lana Lang: So what are you: Man or Superman?

Clark Kent: I haven't figured it out yet.

Jonathan Kent: Your real parents weren't exactly from around... here.

Clark Kent: Where are they from?

[Jonathan looks up at the sky]

Clark Kent: What are you trying to tell me, Dad? That I'm from another planet? [sarcastically] I suppose you stashed my spaceship in the attic?

Jonathan Kent: Actually, it's in the storm cellar.

Chloe Sullivan: Pete, do you want to take a commercial break from the soap opera in your head? I've told you a hundred times; I'm not interested in Clark.

Pete Ross: Your vehement denial has been duly noted!

Clark Kent: I didn't dive in after Lex's car! It hit me at 60 miles an hour! Does that sound normal to you? I'd give anything to be normal.

Oliver Queen: So why come to me? Something tells me you didn't just run 600 miles to say hi to a friend.

Barry Allen: All my life I've been wanting to do more. Be more. And know I am. And the first chance I get to help someone, I screw up. I was chasing the bad guy and... and someone died.

Oliver: If you really do this, you're gonna make mistakes. I've made mistakes. But the good you do will far outweigh the bad.

Barry: What if Wells is right? What if I'm not a hero. What if I'm some guy who was struck by lightning?

Oliver: I don't think that bolt of lighting struck you, Barry. I think it chose you.

Barry: I'm just not sure I'm like you, Oliver. I don't know if I can be some vigilante.

Oliver: You can be better because you can inspire people in a way that I never could. Watching over your city like a guardian angel, making a difference, saving people in a flash. Take your own advice. Wear a mask.

Barry: I wasn't the only one affected by the particle accelerator, was I?

Dr. Harrison Wells: We don't know for sure.

Barry: You said the city was safe. That there was no residual danger. But that's not true. So what really happened that night?

Wells: Well, the accelerator went active. We all felt like heroes and then... it all went wrong. A dimensional barrier ruptured unleashing unknown energies into our world. Anti-matter dark energy. X-elements.

Barry: Those are all theoretical.

Wells: And how theoretical are you?

[Barry uses Detective Chyre's pen to pick up fecal matter]

Det. Fred Chyre: My Dad gave me that pen before he died.

Barry: Sorry.

Wells: You can do this, Barry. You were right. I am responsible for all of this. So many people have been hurt because of me, and when I looked at you, all I saw was a potential victim of my hubris. And yes, I created this madness, but you, Barry, you can stop it. You can do this. Now, run, Barry, run!

Clyde Mardon: It's time to think big.

[after saving a boy from an explosion]

Clark Kent: You need to talk to Mom. I think I really freaked her out this time.

Jonathan Kent: You also made her really proud, Clark.

Clark Kent: Dad, something else happened to me this morning. When I woke up, I was... kind of floating.

Jonathan Kent: Floating?

Clark Kent: As soon as I woke up, I crashed. I mean, Dad, what's happening to me?

Jonathan Kent: I honestly don't know. As soon as you start breaking the law of gravity, we're definitely in uncharted territory.

Lex Luthor: [to Clark] Save any more lives on your way over? Keep it up and you could make a career out of it.

Chloe Sullivan: I hate it when you do that.

Clark Kent: Do what?

Chloe Sullivan: Just shut me out. It's like one minute, you're here; the next, you're gone. Clark, you're not outgrowing me as a friend, are you?

Clark Kent: Chloe, I could never outgrow you. Other than vertically.

Chloe Sullivan: It's amazing how far that Kent charm will get you.

Lana Lang: Life is about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both.

[talking about Lana's boyfriend]

Lex Luthor: The kid that Kent saved today?

Lana Lang: I just came back from seeing him. He's lucky Clark was there.

Lex Luthor: I know the feeling... kinda makes you wonder if you're with the right guy. One chucks footballs; the other helps save lives.

Lana Lang: For someone who just moved into town, you've got a lot of opinions.

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]

Red: We don't think that you should go.

Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.

Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.

Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!

Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!

Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Chloe Sullivan: Clark Kent is a football player and Lana Lang is a waitress.

Pete Ross: What's the matter with that?

Chloe Sullivan: Nothing, I just want to click my heels and get back to reality.

Lex Luthor: You both stood your ground and are doing what you want. I caved. You two have inspired me.

Clark Kent: [sarcastically] Oh yeah. Joining the football team and pouring some coffee. We're a couple of real rebels.

Lana Lang: Long live the revolution.

Lionel Luthor: You get one.

Lex Luthor: One what?

Lionel Luthor: One chance to defy me.

Lex Luthor: I can't figure out what you hate more - the fact that my plan works, or that you didn't come up with it first.

Lionel Luthor: Just remember - empires aren't built on clever bookkeeping.

Lex Luthor: Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of.

Lex Luthor: My father sent me to Smallville because he'd rather surround himself with drones than people who challenge his archaic business practices.

Lionel Luthor: You know perfectly well how I feel about you.

Lex Luthor: Hence I'm at a crap factory in Smallville.

Lionel Luthor: Did you know the Caesars would send their sons to the furthest most corners of the empire so they could get an appreciation of how the world works?

Lex Luthor: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Dad.

Barry: I'm dealing a lot right now.

Det. Joe West: Look, I know you are. Believe me, I'm dealing with it, too. I've always had a very simple set of beliefs. Gravity makes things fall. Water makes things wet. And up until a few weeks ago, I believed the fastest man could run a mile in four minutes. Not four seconds.

Barry: I could do it in three. [Pause] Not relevant.

Barry: Yeah, I might be in the suit doing all the running... but when I'm out there helping people, making a difference... you're all out there with me. Finally realized something, we were all struck by that lightning.

Barry: Joe, what I said to you about not being my father...

Joe: Barry, I know. I know I'm not your father.

Barry: You're right, you're not. You're just the man who kept me fed and in clothes, who sat by my bed every night until I fell asleep because I was afraid of the dark, helped me with my homework. You taught me how to drive, and shave... and you dropped me off to college. Sounds a lot like a dad to me.

Barry: [voice over] Every kid dreams about being a superhero. Having powers, saving people. But no kid thinks about what it's like to be a hero and not saving people. Truth is, not much else changes. You still hurt, you still love, you still wish and hope and fear things, and you still need people to help you with all of it. In some ways, that's the best part.

Simon Stagg: Wells. Who the hell let you in here?

Wells: You been having a party out there?

Simon: Well, I'm sure you saw on TV. Former employee of mine tried to kill me.

Wells: Former employee with the ability to replicate... faced off against a man who could move at super speed.

Simon: You've seen him too, haven't you?

Wells: Indeed I have.

Simon: Extraordinary. The power he possesses, it's like... it's like the gods of olds! Like Mercury on Earth! Could you imagine if you could control his power, if you could... if you could harness it, you could change what it means to be human. The man in the red mask is the key, and I'm gonna get him.

Wells: [takes off his glasses] The man in the red mask. He's called the Flash... or at least he will be one day. [stands up from his wheelchair]

Simon: What the hell...?

[Wells stabs Stagg in the stomach with a knife]

Wells: Forgive me, Simon. I worry that you will think this is personal, and it's not. It's just that the man in the red mask, the fastest man alive... he must be kept...

[draws his knife out of Simon's stomach, and he falls over dead]

Wells: ... safe.

Lex Luthor: I promise I'm not a criminal mastermind.

Clark Kent: I know; a criminal mastermind would have worn a mask.

Clark Kent: You go through life with a gift you have to keep a secret. When you see everyone around you being normal, you get jealous. You just want to be somebody else.

Lex Luthor: You came into my life, thinking you could shake me down 'cause I'm just some spoiled rich brat who needed his daddy's protection. Trust me - when I make things disappear, they stay buried.

[using x-ray vision to find a body]

Clark Kent: It's Tina's mom.

Pete Ross: Damn. How'd you know she was in there?

Clark Kent: Because I can see right through the door, Pete.

Pete Ross: Very funny, Sherlock. How do you think she died?

Clark Kent: Broken neck... I'm guessing.

Clark Kent: Mom, if you could see anything, what would you do?

Martha Kent: Learn to close my eyes.

Fez: So you're telling me, if were to go to up to someone's house and say "trick or treat!" they would give me a free piece of candy?

Eric, Donna, Hyde, Kelso, and Jackie: YES!

Fez: Oh I don't believe you!

[Cutaway to Fez at someone's door dressed as Batman]

Fez: Trick or treat! [person drops an apple into Fez' bag] An apple? WHERE'S MY CANDY, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!

[Person slams door in his face]

Hyde: Wait a minute, you're 18?

Kelso: Jesus speaks to me in my dreams.

Hyde: You mean to tell me this whole time you could have been buying us beer?!

Fez: [Gasps] You bastard.

Kelso: I guess charisma and eyeliner go a long way.

Hyde: You're dead to me.

Kelso: You think you know me? I don't even know me!

Hyde: And if I had a beer, I'd be getting over it right now.

Chloe Sullivan: This is what I love about high school parties. People will gather anywhere as long as there's illegally-purchased alcohol and even the slightest chance of hooking up.

Jonathan Kent: We already talked about that.

Martha Kent: I talked, you grunted.

Jonathan Kent: I thought that I was rather articulate.

Clark Kent: Hello, citizens.

Martha Kent: I'm not familiar with this child. Where's the moody one? Lives upstairs, runs real fast?

Clark Kent: Maybe I can help.

Jonathan Kent: You already have. Last season you saved us four part-time hands.

Clark Kent: I'm thinking bigger picture. You know, forget about this whole high school thing. Try for a pro sports team. I could make a ton of money in endorsements... [smiles] just trying to lighten up the mood.

Martha Kent: As much as we'd love to see your face on a cereal box, we'd settle for you getting to school on time.

Lex Luthor: The hardest thing in the world is telling someone you love, that you like them.

Barry: It doesn't matter if you're the slowest kid in gym class or the fastest man alive, every one of us is running. Being alive means running; running from something; running to something or someone. And no matter how fast you are, there are some things you can't outrun; some things always manage to catch up to you.

Barry: [answers cell phone] Hello.

Cisco Ramon: Code 237 on Way Boulevard.

Barry: Public indecency?

Cisco: Wait, I think I meant a 239.

Barry: Dog leash violation?

Dr. Caitlin Snow: Bad man, with a gun, in a getaway car. Go!

Barry: My dad has spent 14 years in a six-by-eight foot cell for a crime he didn't commit. I couldn't save my mom, but I can save him.

Joe: Didn't I promise you that we would get your father out of prison, together?

Barry: I don't need your help Joe. I can be in and out of there with him before anyone even sees me.

Joe: Okay, you break him out of there, then what? He's on the run for the rest of his life. Something tells me he's not as fast as you are.

Barry: You don't know what it's like there.

Joe: You think I don't understand what you're feeling? I have been a cop for almost as long as you've been alive. So you should know, putting on that suit does not make everybody safe. For every person you save there's going to be someone you can't. And the hardest thing you're going to have to face is not some monster out there with powers. It's gonna be that feeling of uselessness when you can't do anything. Or the guilt that weighs on you when you make a mistake. Some things Barry, you can't fight. Some things, you just have to live with.

Barry: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, leaving like that.

Caitlin: It's okay, I get it, you had to go. It's just... that's the last thing Ronnie said to me that night.

Barry: My mother died 14 years ago. I used to think that the further away I got from it the less it would hurt, but some days the pain is worse than the day that it happened. Some things you can't fight.

Caitlin: For so long I've been terrified of going into that hole.

Barry: What if I went with you?

[They go down to the particle accelerator and Caitlin flashbacks]

Caitlin: He saved so many lives that day, and no one will ever know what he did.

Barry: I do. He was a hero.

Caitlin: I didn't want him to be a hero, I wanted him to be my husband.

Barry: Turns out no one can outrun pain. Life is tragedy, but it's also precious and sweet and extraordinary. And the only way I know to honor my mom's life is to keep running.

Cassandra Carver: Because we both know... you're not like other people.

Clark Kent: Sure I am...

Cassandra Carver: No Clark, I've seen you. Before we ever met. More than once, I've touched people and seen such pain and despair and - But then you were there and the pain was gone. I think that's your destiny, Clark. To save people from fear and darkness. You can fear the future or you can embrace it. The choice is yours.

Lex Luthor: Life's a journey, Clark; I don't wanna go through it following a roadmap.

Clark Kent: It still wouldn't kill you to drive more slowly.

Lex Luthor: I once read about a rich man who survived a hotel fire. He hung onto the ledge for an hour before the fire department rescued him. Afterwards he bought the hotel...always stayed in the room. When they asked him why, he said he figured Fate couldn't find him twice.

Clark Kent: You might consider rounding those curves at a speed that won't actually break the sound barrier.

Lex Luthor: Hey, where's the fun in that?

Lex Luthor: You see, I don't want to do good things, I want to do great things.

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?

Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Hyde walks into the basement.]

Hyde: Forman. Let's go get wasted.

[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]

Donna: [exasperated] Great!

Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Hyde: [frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

Clark Kent: [doesn't see Lana] Dad, I got the posts in the west field. I hit some granite, but I jammed it through.

[sees Lana, pauses]

Lana Lang: Very impressive.

Clark Kent: Well, I had a sledgehammer.

Chloe Sullivan: Getting your morning Lana fix?

Clark Kent: Chloe, don't you ever knock?

Chloe Sullivan: It's a barn, Clark.

Clark Kent: Is there a reason you're here early or do you just enjoy busting my chops?

Chloe Sullivan: Little of both.

Lex Luthor: I don't care about the past - I believe in the power to reinvent yourself.

Clark Kent: I can't believe we're creeping around looking for road kill.

Chloe Sullivan: The deer's in there... the door's locked. I'm gonna go find a maintenance worker.

[Clark uses super strength to open the door]

Clark Kent: Chloe, it's open.

Chloe Sullivan: How'd you do that?

Clark Kent: Kent charm.

Chloe Sullivan: This is Smallville, Clark. Land of the weird, home of the strange.

Leonard Snart: Once the armored car called 911 we had 182 seconds before any cop could be on the scene. No one could get there fast enough to stop us. But something did. And you lost your cool. You know the rules, we don't shoot guards or cops unless it's the only option. We don't need the heat.

Iris West: I am dating Eddie whether you like it or not.

Joe: Eddie's my partner.

Iris: I know.

Joe: But you don't. You're not a cop. You don't know what having a partner means. Wherever I go, he goes, and where I go isn't always safe, Iris. I need to be 100% focused. Now, there's a part of me who isn't focused, who doesn't see Eddie as my partner but as your boyfriend. So if he gets hurt, or worse, and I'm there? How am I gonna look at you? How are you gonna look at me? Now I'm not mad at you, but that's why this is so hard for me. Do you understand?

Barry: I mean, if you had just told me, I could have been prepared. But instead, someone died tonight.

Cisco: And I have to live with that.

Barry: No, Cisco, we all do

Felicity Smoak: Believe me. It took much more than seeing Oliver do the salmon ladder for me to trust him. I've seen first hand what this life can do to people. It's a lonely path. Don't make it any lonelier than it has to be.

Felicity: Remember when you told me you had a little experience, liking someone who didn't like you the same way? That was Iris, right?

Barry: How did you know?

Felicity: It's the little things. The way you linger on her when she isn't looking, the smile you fake to play the part. The quiet dreams you keep to yourself.

Barry: Like you and Oliver. Takes one to know one. I'm afraid it will change everything.

Felicity: It will, but maybe that's not such a bad thing? What is wrong with us? We are perfectly perfect for each other.

Barry: Yet we're sitting here pining for people we can't have. I guess what they say is true. Opposites do attract.

Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!

Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

Lex Luthor: I hear you're taking a tour of my plant tomorrow.

Chloe Sullivan: It's a class field trip.

Lex Luthor: What'd you do wrong?

Clark Kent: It's that bad?

Clark Kent: Look, Earl worked on the farm for six seasons. I spent 12 hours a day with the guy out in the fields. He even tried to teach me how to play guitar. He said it was a good way to impress women.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah, we're all a sucker for a guy with a 6-string. How come I've never heard you play?

Clark Kent: I kept snapping the guitar strings. I think Earl got sick of replacing them.

Gabe Sullivan: Welcome to LuthorCorp, where we give a crap.

Chloe Sullivan: (to Clark) Okay, somebody kill me now.

Gabe Sullivan: A little fertilizer humor there. Before we go inside I need you to remove all your cellphones, pagers, jewelery. Anything that jangles, dangles or rings can go in these plastic trays right here. All right? Any other questions?

Clark Kent: I heard there was a third level to the plant, is that true?

Gabe Sullivan: Yeah, that's where we do the alien autopsies.

Chloe Sullivan: (to Clark) Don't encourage him.

Pete Ross: What are you gonna do now that you're officially home alone?

Clark Kent: I was thinking of having a few people over.

Chloe Sullivan: Do my ears deceive me or is Clark Kent actually suggesting a party?

Clark Kent: A small gathering. You guys, a few other people, maybe even Lana.

Chloe Sullivan: With or without her posable action-figure boyfriend?

Martha Kent: We called six times last night, spoke with six different people, none of whom knew who you were.

Clark Kent: It was supposed to be an intimate occasion.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, where have you been?

Clark Kent: The hospital.

Martha Kent: That's it. I'm never leaving home again.

Barry: How often do you think about why your friends came into your life? Was it random? By design? Or maybe a little of both? Regardless of the reasons, some friends you just know are gonna be by your side for a while. Others, you're not so sure. And then there's that one friend who... well, you hope one day becomes something more, but friend will have to do for now. And that's okay, I guess.

Barry: Guys? I have a problem.

Cisco: We all do when guys like him exist.

Caitlin: [looking at Eddie] Yeah, he's so hot. Uh, I mean, genetically speaking. Because I'm a geneticist, of course. Oh, my God, do I sound like Felicity?

Barry: Don't ask.

Cisco: I'm gonna ask. Where's my suit?

Barry: It's... gone.

Cisco: What do you mean, it's gone? What did you do with my suit?

Barry: It blew up, dude. I managed to get out of it before it went "kaboom."

Cisco: My suit went "kaboom"?

Barry: Fun fact about Bette Sans Souci. She's not carrying bombs. She touched the emblem on the suit and turned it into a bomb. She's a meta-human.

Wells: With the ability to cause spontaneous combustion upon tactile contact.

Cisco: She blew up my suit.

Caitlin: You have, like, three more.

Cisco: Okay, I have two. And I loved that one.

Joe: So, human bomb. Must be Tuesday in Central City.

Caitlin: [to Barry] You can walk on water. Puts you in a pretty interesting company.

Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?

Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.

[Lex points to a breastplate with an "S" symbol.]

Lex Luthor: You know it belonged to Alexander the Great? They said the design symbolizes strength and courage.

Clark Kent: I can't exactly see myself going into battle with that on my chest.

Lex Luthor: Darker times call for darker methods. His opponents thought he was invincible.

Clark Kent: I didn't know you were such a history buff.

Lex Luthor: I'm not. I'm just interested in people who ruled the world before they were thirty.

Lana Lang: Don't worry, Lex. You still have a few years to go.

Chloe Sullivan: It figures you'd side with her.

Clark Kent: I'm not taking anyone's side.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah right, Clark, you're completely objective in all things Lana.

Victoria Hardwick: He understands you may have certain negative feelings towards your father.

Lex Luthor: Sir Harry has always had an incredible grasp of the obvious.

Clark Kent: Phelan came back after you were arrested. I got so angry that I grabbed him. And for a second, I wanted to... I wanted to kill him.

Jonathan Kent: But you didn't, right?

Clark Kent: Yeah, but I was close.

Jonathan Kent: Believe me, son, I know all there is to know about losing your temper. But you can't afford to do it. This is Phelan's game, and he will play your fear and your anger but you cannot let him get to you.

Clark Kent: I don't care. I won't let anybody hurt you and mom.

Jonathan Kent: And he knows that. But once you cross that line, there's no going back.

Lana Lang: Clark, what happened to you last night?

Clark Kent: I wasn't feeling well. Guess I'm not much of a city guy.

Chloe Sullivan: You can take the boy off the farm but you can't take the farm out of the boy.

Iris: To understand what I'm about to tell you, you need to do something first, you need to believe in the impossible. Can you do that? Good. Because all of us, we've forgotten what miracles look like. Maybe because they haven't made much of an appearance lately. Our lives have become ordinary. But there is someone out there who is truly extraordinary. I don't know where you came from. I don't know your name. But I have seen you do the impossible to protect the city I love. So for those of us who believe in you and what you're doing, I just want to say thank you.

Wells: What exactly are we debating?

Cisco: The average number of bugs Barry swallows in a day of running.

Wells: I look forward to seeing you accept your Nobel.

Cisco: Dude, that had to feel great.

Barry: You have no idea.

Caitlin: Almost as proving me wrong about the supersonic punch?

Barry: Actually, that part hurt. Like, a lot.

Iris: I've been trying to get answers from him. Where does he come from? How does he do what he does? But he dodges everything. Literally, with this super-speed power. When he moves, Barry, you don't even see him. He comes and goes in the blink of an eye, in a...

Barry: Flash?

Iris: In a flash. Yeah.

Iris: Today, I was saved by the impossible. A mystery man. The fastest man alive. Then a friend gave me an idea for a new name, and something tells me it's gonna catch on.


	17. Chapter 100,000? ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND!

Contents [hide]

1 Star Fox

1.1 Fox McCloud (フォックス・マクラウド, Fokkusu Makuraudo)

1.2 Falco Lombardi (ファルコ・ランバルディ, Faruko Ranbarudi)

1.3 Slippy Toad (スリッピー・トード, Surippī Tōdo)

1.4 Krystal (クリスタル, Kurisutaru)

1.5 Peppy Hare (ペッピー・ヘア, Peppī Hea)

1.6 ROB 64 (ナウス６４, Nausu Rokujūyon)

2 Star Wolf

2.1 Wolf O'Donnell (ウルフ・オドネル, Urufu Odoneru)

2.2 Leon Powalski (レオン・ポワルスキー, Reon Powarusukī)

2.3 Panther Caroso (パンサー・カルロッソ, Pansā Karurosso)

3 Others

3.1 Pigma Dengar (ピグマ・デンガー, Piguma Dengā)

3.2 Andrew Oikonny (アンドリュー・オイッコニー, Andoryū Oikkonī)

3.3 General Pepper (ペパー将軍, Pepā Shōgun)

3.4 Beltino Toad (ベルツィーノ・トード, Berutsīno Tōdo)

4 Aparoid Queen (アパロイド女王, Aparoido Joō)

5 The Queen using voices to trick Fox

Fox McCloud (フォックス・マクラウド, Fokkusu Makuraudo)

Team Star Fox, Ready for duty!

OK, I see now. So we're here because...?

All ships! Avoid the armada's fire! Aim for Oikonny's flagship!

What's that? Some kind of prototype?

All right! This time we take that ape down!

It's too quiet...

Something is wrong here...

Uhh!... Its a trap!

It's the Aparoids, after all.

Peppy! Send the Landmaster, will ya?

Well I got my hands full, but what else is new?

Nah! All I need is the Landmaster.

Great... Good to see the transmission's targeting system's as sterling as ever.

These things just keep appearing!

So... the leader, huh?

We didn't come here to fight with Wolf and his team.

Where are you, Falco?

So, is this like an amusement park to a former gang member?

Tricky- Ooh! (Tricky tackles Fox)

Tricky... So heavy... ouch!

What? What are you, nuts? We're not... we're not yet... Uh... I mean... Uh.. This isn't a conversation for children!

Then stop acting like one!

The Wolfen? Wolf!

Wolf! What are you doing here?

I owe you my life on that one, Wolf. Thanks

Blasted bugs! Die already!

Dang! I've been flanked!

Wolf...

No!

Whoaaaa!

Don't say that! I can't...

Why... Why is this happening?! No!

Let's go, team.

I'm counting on you. Let's do this!

Understood. We won't let the gate fall.

Everyone! Let's give the queen her present!

Here I come, you evil space hag!

Falco Lombardi (ファルコ・ランバルディ, Faruko Ranbarudi)

We're here because we got to put this creep on ice.

Slippy, you've already got bogeys on your tail!

You haven't changed a bit, Frog Boy.

That scum Oikonny's gettin' away!

Where did that crazed chimp Oikonny go?

Bah! We got careless! We've got bogeys on our tails!

What's this? An Andross wanna-be?

That doesn't look friendly.

(Few Aparoid's wing destroyed by Fox) That's it! It's working!

(When the fire rocks start falling for the third time) Incoming! Evasive maneuvers, everyone!

(When taking too long to defeat Aparoid) Fox! This is no to drag you're heels!

Use that machine gun to blast the whole lot of 'em!

Show 'em what that Landmaster can do!

Smash anyone and anything that get in your way!

You're doing great, Fox! Destroy the rest of 'em!

(Fox gets hit repeatedly in an on-foot mission) You're not doing too well, are you Fox?

Lemme know if you get lonely and I'll drop by.

That thing is giant... and ugly.

Sorry, Fox. I'm not too proud of what you just witnessed.

(refering to Panther, who's flirting with Krystal) Huh? Who's this idiot?

What was that!?

Playing the hero again, eh Foxie?

Hey, more power to ya, buddy. Me? I hate the cold.

Don't even think about dying before I get there!

(Fox Jumps onto Falco's Arwing's wing)Hey, just do me a favor and try not to fall off.

Hey, sure-shot! Get out your blaster and take care of our admirers, will ya?

Yo, Fox! You think blasting me is fun or something?

This is ridiculous! Fox, take care of that stupid frog, will you?

Another enemy ship sighted. I'm off to anbush it.

(To Slippy rescued by Fox an umpteenth time)Unbelievable... You're such a basket case!

Great...it's the lizard boy, Leon.

(If Fox attacks him while riding his wing) What!? Is it bird season all of a sudden!?

Someone on the ground's got a beat on me!

Uh...they kinda got a lock on me, get em' before I get smoked!

Eat this, scumbags!

Don't start whining! I'm almost there!

What? Going solo again?

Yeah, whatever. Just get outta here and those blasted radar jammers, will ya?!

Sorry about what happened earlier,Fox.

Calm down, Fox!

I told you, cut that out, Fox!

Yo!

You've gotten better eh, Foxie?

Not bad for a fox!

Pay attention, Fox! You're suppose to shoot the bad guys!

Great... I guess I owe you one.

Unstoppable! Way to go!

Enemy ship down!

Fox! Use this!

That makes us even!

Oof! Can you tell your friends from your enemies?!

Give up already!

You're going to help out with the battle upstairs, right?

You're not pulling your weight, Fox!

You're going back to the base now?!

Everything's fine here. How's the hideout?

I guess I should be thankful.

Slippy Toad (スリッピー・トード, Surippī Tōdo)

Aw, leave these losers to the pros. We'll beat 'em in no time!

Uh-oh! I'm in trouble!

Thanks Fox! I thought I was a goner!

Got something on radar! It's ahead and coming this way!

Whoa! Get off me!

Ow, ow, ouch!

Shield analysis complete. Bringing it up on the monitor.

Yeow! Gotta get... outta... the way...!

Ewww... There's just something creepy about this guy.

Dad? You're the Research Director? You never told me that!

Yeow! That thing's HUGE!

Don't go, Fox! I need your help!

There're more enemy types around now. Be careful, Fox.

There has be some way to get inside that building.

No Mercy!

Woah! There's a machine shooting out baddies!

I can't stand to see Fox like this.

Brrr! It makes me hibernate!

I'm coming to help too!

Well...that was kind of a thrill.

Give it a rest, Falco. Seriously, shut your beak for once.

You stink, Fox! You're gonna make us do all the work?

It's me, Fox!

Aw, that wasn't nice, Fox!

Wow! Take me for a ride someday!

Hey! That's a good idea. You're quick!

Apoptosis, huh? You mean they contain cells that are created for the purpose of self-destruction?

Stupid Aparoids! Haven't you ever heard of windows?

Don't do it, Peppy! [Great Fox is going on kamikaze run on the Aparoid Homeworld Core's shield]

Enemy ship down!

The anti-air fire is too heavy! I can't get through...

Shut up already!

Krystal (クリスタル, Kurisutaru)

(Refering to Andrew's army) They're quite dedicated for a bunch of hired guns.

Hey, Slippy, don't get cocky!

All right! Hit 'em hard and don't hold back!

Excellent! The enemy's offensive power is down.

Look! Troops down below!

A stealth squadron! Look out, Fox!

Huh? Look out! The enemy's waiting for us!

Here we go!

Enemy ship down!

Aim for the palms of his hands, Fox!

I can feel it... His weak point is that center spot.

Somehow, we beat it.

By yourself? It's too dangerous! I'm going too!

Fox! I've got enemies on my tail!

This isn't looking good... I'm in real trouble!

No way! I can't shake them! Unbelievable!

Check inside building for targets too, Fox.

It must have a weak point, everything does!

Aim for it's underside, Fox!

Now, Fox! It's weak point is on the top!

C'mon, Fox! Get a move on!

Be careful, Fox!

Looks like Pigma was planning ahead.

A mission together at last!

Poor, beautiful Sauria... They won't get away with this!

That's right. This place recalls many memories for us.

Sauria should be safe for a long time to come.

You did it, Fox!

Really taking a beating, haven't you?

Those aparoids are serious. Watch your tail Fox!

All right. That's enough, boys.

Should we search places that radar doesn't show?

You have to get on top of it to beat it? What a pain...

Hey! That's mine!

OK! Got them!

(Refering to the Aparoid homeworld) This base is so complicated.

Don't hesitate, the Queen's afraid of us!

Hey, stop joking around!

Enemy ship down!

Peppy Hare (ペッピー・ヘア, Peppī Hea)

Oikonny is no pushover. So be careful out there.

This is it team! Are you ready? Launch all ships!

Falco and Slippy,take the left side. Krystal and Fox, hit the right. Everyone strike NOW!

That beam's devastating! Watch out, Fox!

Roll to deflect its attack!

Watch how he moves his hands!

It's too early to celebrate... Look!

You're the real deal Fox!

Boy, watching you takes me back to when I was a lad...

Attack whenever you have the chance!

(When taking too long to defeat the Aparoid) Fox! What are you waiting for?

(Taking Fox is taking too much damage) Fox! Are you all right?

Grr... Fox... Grab that thing and get out of there!

Nicely done. I see you have'nt lost any groove.

(Aparoids hatchers landing in Kataina outpost) Hmm... This looks bad. Our scan show those things can spawn more aparoids.

You must be able to get inside using the elevators.

Fox! Your survival is priority number one!

That energy reading's huge! Move your tail, Fox!

*Laughs* Looks like I'll never make retirement now. Urgh!

Contact the Medical Corps. One way or another, my duty's done.

Too bad! we're going out in style!

Back off, all of you!

Yes, this is my duty, Fox. And now you must fulfil your duty as well!

YAR!

What are you fools doing? That shield will be right back! Go! Get out of here!

You can use a sniper rifle to pick off foes at a distance.

The air fight's lookin' grim...attack those flying aparoids!

We're being overrun here..blast the space fighters!

Never give up. Trust your senses.

What? It's accelerating!

That's a transfer device! Hurry up and destroy it!

Use your boost to catch up.

See anything that looks like an entrance near there?

Looking good, Fox! Only two more shield generators to go!

My Friends... Will you destroy me, too? (when possesed by aparoids)

Give in. This is not sacrifice; It is evolution.

Do a barrel roll!

ROB 64 (ナウス６４, Nausu Rokujūyon)

Aparoid! Aparoid! Aparoid!

The Landmaster will not fit inside the center.

Unknown vessel approaching at high speed.

Missile approaching. It is targeting the gate.

The climate control center shield has been disabled.

Missile approaching. It is targeting the gate.

Probability of Star Fox team victory is... zero... (when possessed by aparoids)

Wolf O'Donnell (ウルフ・オドネル, Urufu Odoneru)

You fools! What are you idiots up to now?

You're on my turf now. Watch...Your...Step...Fox!

Pigma? Don't know anything about Pigma. But there is one thing: I'm owed an apology, and I WILL have it!

That's easy to say after all you've done. Enough small talk! Let's settle this, Fox!

Don't get uppity, you amateurs!

Don't mess with me, Fox!

(If you stay in the base instead of fighting him) No hiding, Fox. Show your face!

Now you've done it...

Go down, Fox!

Aaagh!

Can't believe I'd get beat...

What's the problem? You done already?

(to Peppy) You still haven't gotten rid of your Arwing, eh, old hare?

When I'm finished with you, I'll have a foxtail for my spaceship!

I'm gonna burn your brush!

You've gotten soft, pup!

(Fox gets shot down when Wolf is nearby) You ain't your father, after all!

Pigma's no longer part of Star Wolf. And if he had shown his filthy hide here, my men would have driven him out.

(To Panther after revealing Pigma's location on Fichina) You talk too much.

Panther! Leon! Let's go!

Remember this, Fox: Star Wolf will take you down one day.

You're a pitiful sight, pup!

(After Wolf saves Fox, Fox asks him what he's doing in Corneria) You're the one who dropped in unannounced... And if anyone's gonna tan your hide, it's gonna be me.

Wipe that stupid look off your face... we're not done yet!

So, how long do you plan on taking up space on my wing?

(if Fox attacks him while riding the wing of his Wolfen) You stupid dog! Get ahold of yourself!

(if Fox attacks him while riding the wing of his Wolfen) What are you aiming at?!

(if Fox attacks him while riding the wing of his Wolfen) Point that thing at me and you'd better be ready to die, pup.

(if Fox attacks him while riding the wing of his Wolfen) What are doing to my darling Wolfen!?

(if HP is below 1/3 while Fox is riding the wing of his Wolfen) Uhn...I'm not used to...being the one taking damage.

(if Fox fails to protect the Wolfen's HP from going to zero) Curses!

(if Fox doesn't do anything while fighting General Pepper) Uh, in case you haven't noticed, the enemy's attacking!

They're all over us! The rest is up to you, Fox!

Fox! One of these scum has a lock on me!

I can't shake 'em! Grrr! Do something, Fox!

Bah! Fox! Do you even see the enemy?!

The more we're hit, the worse off we are, Fox!

They look like sturdy little monsters, don't they?

Curses! Someone's locked on me!

I hate that frog.

Quit your croaking, toady!

(if Fox takes moderate damage while riding his Wolfen's wing) Nicely done, Fox.

(if Fox takes no damge while riding his Wolfen's wing) You got some skills, pal.

(if Fox takes substantial damage while riding his Wolfen's wing) You're not slipping, are you, Fox?

(if Fox takes heavy damage while fighting General Pepper, Krystal rebukes Wolf) Hey, hey! I'm the one who's taking damage here!

Looks like they got a thing for us... The battle's on, Fox!

These things again? They aren't worth the time!

Don't hesitate, Fox! You've got to do it!

Fox! Missiles! Shoot 'em down!

OK. Looks like the aparoids are in bad shape!

Grr! Fox! Don't let 'em attack!

Unh...Looks like I'm not as sharp as I used to be.

Unh... I'm not used to...being the one taking damage.

Don't start sounding like a coward now, Fox!

Leave this missile to us!

(After shooting him at Orbital Gate) You want some, boy?!

Hey now, what's all this about?

Ha! Missile down! That was too easy...

Fox! Leave the enemies around the gate to us!

(If Fox shoots his missile at Orbital Gate) Didn't you know that was my prey?

(If Fox's HP gets low at Orbital Gate) You okay? You look ragged.

What are you waiting for? Shoot that thing down!

So I guess you survived, huh?

These scum are proving to be quite a handful.

Let's do this.

C'mon, you stinking bugs! Catch us if you can!

I thought I told you, I didn't come here to save you.

Mm.

Fox, let me give you one piece of advice: Don't hesitate! When the time comes, just act!

Keep your advice to yourself and your eyes front, pup.

(Default taunt in VS mode) I'll take care of everything.

(Second taunt in VS mode) Is that all you've got?

(If shot down in VS mode) Oh, a big shot, huh?

(Upon entering a vehicle in VS mode) That's mine!

(VS mode victory pose) Victory is mine. (Draws two Machine Guns from behind him and starts firing).

Leon Powalski (レオン・ポワルスキー, Reon Powarusukī)

*Laughs* I think I'll torment you a bit before I cook you!

Who do you think I am?

Me? ME?!

Go ahead and blunder…and you'll end up as a target.

Ugly bugs… It's no fun fighting unshakable enemies.

That's quite a wingmate you've got there.

(If fox attacks him in the Orbital Gate level.) A wise guy, Huh!?

Annoying bird, I am the Great Leon!

(If Fox attacks him in Corneria) If you fools really want to die, just say the word.

Panther Caroso (パンサー・カルロッソ, Pansā Karurosso)

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Panther. All who see my rose meet death! (growling)

Make me mad and your life's as good as gone!

How could this be? I.. I've been...

*whistles* Ah, the lovely Krystal. Words do you no justice. I am Panther Caroso. Here's to us. (growling softly)

Quiet, Bird.

How can I resist this beauty? I believe the com record will point you towards Fichina.

Oh no! One of my favorite cafes got totaled. When this is all done, I'll have a first-class meal.

You want to ride on my wing, Krystal?(Krystal:As long as I'm covering Fox)Panther: Okay,fine

The General's a tough old hounddog.

I look forward to seeing you again when this is all done.

(If Fox attacks him during the orbital gate level) You looking to die, runt?

You're looking good, big guy.

Pigma Dengar (ピグマ・デンガー, Piguma Dengā)

*Laughs* Thanks for helping me out!

*Laughs* Long time no see, Fox!

Since I'm here, I'll just help myself to this!

Is it that important? *Laughs* Then I'm gonna be rich!

Smell ya later!

Yep, it's true! And the one who's pulling the strings is me, Pigma! *Laughs*

I wouldn't bother with me right now! That thing looks like it means business!

Obey us... Obey us... Obey us... Obey... *snort!* Wha.. Was I just talking in my sleep? No! I won't turn a profit by obeying them! I... I... obey...

[Transforming into Aparoid] *Laughs* Incredible...

[Transforming into Aparoid] You must join us... Raah!

[Transforming into Aparoid] Wroo... Wrah... Rrrraaaaaarrrr!

[As Aparoid] Do not resist. You have been warned.

[As Aparoid] We will answer. We are the ultimate existence. You cannot resist us. You will join us.

[As Aparoid] Join me.

[As Aparoid] Hrrnn! Resistance is useless.

Andrew Oikonny (アンドリュー・オイッコニー, Andoryū Oikkonī)

Star Fox, eh? Work him over!

Is this guy some kind of demon? Bah! I'll handle him!

Blegh! Persistent little pests, aren't you?

That's enough hide and seek!

Let me show you my true power!

I must bring an end to our relationship! Die! Hahahaha!

W-watch your mouth! I'll show you!

Hahahaha! Is that all you've got?!

(If Fox attacks Andrew's head while fighting.) You can't hurt me with that!

(Loses one of the arm, then pounding) Gah! It's not over yet!

Ahahahaha! Is that all you fools have got!? I am the one and only true heir to the great emperor Andross! The new emperor... Andrew Oikonny- (Oikonny's ship is blasted by an off-screen Aparoid) Uncle Andross...

[In combat with Cornerian fleet] No quarter! Show these dogs we mean business!

You think you're tough, eh? Well, in that case, it's secret weapon time! Stealth Squadron, open fire!

Uncle Andross! [when he's shot down by an aparoid]

General Pepper (ペパー将軍, Pepā Shōgun)

Well Fox, Looks like we're not too late!

The leader of this rebellion is none other than Oikonny.

I'm counting on you, now get prepped and go!

The source of all aparoid will, the queen herself, makes her vile nest on their home planet. As long as the queen exists, the aparoids will continue to multiply.

This is my final request: Destroy this ship! Destroy me!

I never thought I'd be fighting all of you…

Honor… Let me keep my honor, Fox!

Is that you, Peppy? What have you done...?

Beltino Toad (ベルツィーノ・トード, Berutsīno Tōdo)

Hello again, everybody!

I believe it date back about 17 years ago...

A whole fleet was destroyed by a sole aparoid.

We were somehow able to survive that trial, but that was just a taste of what's coming.

I've discovered that the aparoids are vulnerable to apoptosis.

Right! And I'm making a program to set off a chain reaction in those cells.

Now all we have to do is gift-wrap it for the Aparoid Queen.

Do your best, team.

My apologies, I need a little more time.

Aparoid Queen (アパロイド女王, Aparoido Joō)

All for us... everything in the universe exists for us...

All for us... all things in the universe... will be ours...

Bow before us... Submit to us...!

We are perfection. We possess all knowledge.

Such pointless actions...

No! We are true! Only US! No!

The Queen using voices to trick Fox

(Pigma?) Fox...

Fox, don't be a fool. Stop all this nonsense...

(General Pepper?) Star Fox team, admit defeat...

(Peppy?) Give in. This is not sacrifice. It is evolution.

(James McCloud?) Fox...

That's enough, there's no need for you to be hurt anymore.

Let us live as one...

(General Pepper?) Let us live together...together...

(Pigma?) Live as one...

(James McCloud?) Fox.. There's no need to fight anymore.

(Peppy?) Whatever you do, you cannot win, Fox.

All of you...Join us... It's your only salvation...

(Pigma?) You're fools... Get smart and surrender...

(ROB?) Probability of team Star Fox victory is zero...

(James McCloud?) Stop right there, Fox!

Fox... I'll show you a brand new world...

Minor Characters

Ruffian: Don't you idiots know this is part of Lord O'Donnell's terroritory?

Ruffian: We don't know about no Pigma or any other fool. And now that we know you're Star Fox, you aint' goin' nowhere!

Ruffian: C'mon, you lazy scum! Let's skin this fox and his whole crew! Get more guys up here! Come on!

Ruffian: Gah! Scum!

Ruffian: Ahh! I'm done for!

Ruffian: Are they really this tough or just lucky?

Ruffian: Listen up scum! We protect the elevator till the end!

Ruffian: Let 'em have it, boys!

Sentry Bot: Destroy intruder

Tricky: Fox! Krystal! I knew you'd come! Thank you so much!

Tricky: Yeah, yeah! I'll take care of things here so you two can come back on your honeymoon!

Tricky: You said you weren't going to treat me like a kid anymore!

Tricky: You're just mad cause you don't want to talk about it.

Ruffian: Shoot! They made it all the way up here?

Ape Soldier: Star Fox is headed this way!

Ape Soldier: What? Are you...

Venomian Ship Commander: The Cornerian fleet has broken through our front lines! They're everywhere!

Dog Soldier: I feel a lot more confident with you around!

Dog Soldier: Is this the end?

Ape Soldier: Our final line of defense has been penetrated!

Dog Soldier: Commander! Aah!

Dog Soldier: Great Fox?! Command! It's the Star Fox Team!

Sora

I've been having these weird thoughts lately... Like, is any of this for real... or not? (opening movie plays, Simple and Clean plays in the background)

The darkness may destroy my body, but it can't touch my heart. My heart will stay with my friends. It'll never die!

Although my heart may be weak, it's not alone. It's grown with each new experience. And it's found a home with all the friends I've made. I've become a part of their heart, just as they've become a part of mine. And if they think of me now and then, if they don't forget me, then our hearts will be one. I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power!

The heart may be weak. And sometimes it may even give in. But I've learned... that deep down there's a light that never goes out!

Kairi, remember what you said before? I'm always with you, too! I'll come back to you. I promise!

It doesn't matter how much we see each other, but how much we think of each other.

I still can't believe it. I really flew. Wait 'til I tell Kairi. I wonder if she'll believe me. Probably not.

Forget it! There's no way you're taking Kairi's heart!

[Startled by Kairi's appearance] Whoa! [Sits up] Gimme a break Kairi!

You're not Riku!

Falling... Falling... Into darkness...

No... the Keyblade! It's mine...

Well, whoever you are, let Riku go! Give him back his heart!

Where... where am I? Who are you? Where's Kairi? Riku...

Our hearts are connected.

Another world safe from darkness!

That's the power of the Keyblade!

Oh, yeah? Well you'll see. I'm gonna get out and learn what's out there!

Heart or no heart, at least he still has a conscience.

Wait a minute! What happened to my home? My island? Riku... Kairi...

Don't let your heart be a prison.

I know now, without a doubt, Kingdom Hearts... IS LIGHT!

Donald Duck

Aw, phooey. I'm not scared.

But you can't come along looking like that. Understand? No frowning. No sad face. Okay?

This boat runs on happy faces.

[to Goofy] YOU'RE COMING TOO!

Well, now what do we do?

Let's just get out of here!

[to Goofy] Aw, what do you know, you big palooka?!

All for one and one for all!

Goofy

[Holding his shield above his head] Uh, ya know, I think that big ol' whale Monstro just swallowed us. And for today's weather: expect showers. [An item falls on Goofy's head.] Heavy showers!

But no worries. Even if this place goes poof, our hearts ain't goin' nowhere. I'm sure we'll find our pals again. Yup, I just know that we will.

Not on your life! But I'm not gonna betray Sora either. 'Cuz he's become one of my best buddies after all we've been through together!

Yeah, you gotta look funny, like us!

Name's Goofy.

All for one, one for all!

We've gotta protect the world border. NOTE : "Border" is a malapropism of the word "order".

But we're outsiders, so wouldn't that be muddling? NOTE : "Muddling" is a malapropism of the word "meddling". Oh yeah, and that's against the rules.

Now, Sora, just remember what Donald said to ya: No frowning, no sad faces.

Hey, why don't you come with us? We can travel to new worlds on our vessel.

Don't you mean junior heroes?

Hiya guys.

Thanks pal! (said when given an item during a fight)

Somebody come quick! (said when hurt during a fight)

Kairi

I'm making a necklace of thalassa shells. In the old days, sailors always wore thalassa shells. They were supposed to ensure a safe voyage.

So, suppose you get to another world. What would you do there?

No matter where I go or what I see, I know I can always come back here.

Take this. It's my lucky charm. Be sure to bring it back to me, okay?

Don't ever forget, wherever you go... I'm always with you.

Sora let's take the raft and go! Just the two of us!

Sora, you lazy bum!

This time, I'll protect you!

Maybe... You know, I was a little afraid at first, but now I'm ready.

I just can't wait. Once we set sail, it'll be great.

Sora, are you really...? No, he can't be! I WON'T LET HIM GO!

Sora, don't ever change.

I know you will!

Maybe... waiting isn't good enough.

Thinking of you, wherever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish. And who knows: starting a new journey may not be so hard, or maybe it has already begun. There are many worlds, and they share the same sky - one sky, one destiny.

Riku

Hey, aren't you guys forgetting about me?

It's just... I've always wondered why we're here on this island. If there are any other worlds out there, why did we end up on this one? And suppose there are other worlds... then ours is just a little piece of something much greater. So, we could have just as easily ended up somewhere else, right ?

Exactly. That's why we need to go out there and find out. Just sitting here won't change a thing. It's the same old stuff. So let's go.

Thanks to you. If you hadn't come here, I probably would've never thought of any of this. Kairi, thanks.

If two people share one, their destinies become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each other's lives, no matter what. Come on, I know you wanna try it.

The door has opened, Sora! Now we can go to the outside world! Once we step through, we might not be able to come back. We may never see our parents again. There's no turning back. But this may be our only chance. We can't let fear stop us! I'm not afraid of the darkness!

I get to share the paopu fruit with Kairi. Deal? The winner gets to share a paupu with Kairi.

You were just the delivery boy!

Only the Keyblade master can open the door, and change the world.

Giving up already? C'mon Sora, I thought you were stronger than that.

[To Sora] Take care of her.

Fair enough... Mickey.

I have some unfinished business with this puppet.

Possessed by Ansem

Yes. A Keyblade. But unlike yours, this Keyblade holds the power to unlock people's hearts. Allow me to demonstrate... behold!

Now, open your heart, surrender it to the darkness! Become darkness itself!

Open the door! Lead me into everlasting darkness!

It is I, Ansem. The Seeker of Darkness!

Behold the power of darkness!

She won't wake...

Kairi's heart rests within you!

A fitting end for such a fool.

Well, what now?

You're nothing!

Show me your power!

Here it comes.

You're finished!

Give up yet?

Is that it?

Try to heal this!

Welcome oblivion!

Now witness true power!

Behold the power of darkness!

It's over.

Open your heart to darkness!

My skills failed.

Chrono Trigger (クロノ・トリガー)

Crono[edit]

What ARE you two doing? I thought you said something about a nice little slideshow?

Said at the end of the "Slideshow" ending

During the course of the actual game, Crono never talks

Lucca[edit]

Machines aren't capable of evil. Humans make them that way.

All of our history... our art and science... All to meet the needs of that... beast.

Nothing can beat science!

Even a door of this caliber can't keep science at bay!

Where have they been keeping her!?

Referring to Ayla

Frog[edit]

Lower thine guard, and thou'rt allowing the enemy in.

Mine name is Glenn! Cyrus' hopes and dreams…and now the Masamune, these will now become my burden! forthwith I will slay Magus and restore honor!

Thou hast lost thy friend before thine eyes; there art no words to comfort thee.

We have'th our own will!

When facing Lavos

Ma'am, you're mistaken, I'm not a pet, I'm a Knight and master swordsman.

When Crono's mom called him Crono's "pet".

Ayla[edit]

Ayla fight while alive! Win and live. Lose and die. Rule of life. No change rule.

Old man breathe, but dead on inside!

After a village elder tells her to surrender to the reptites.

Ayla's word! "La" mean fire. "Vos" mean big.

When Lucca mentions Lavos in Ayla's presence.

No rubbish for Ayla, or head go boom!

As Robo tries to explain what a robot is

Yummy frog! For Ayla eat?

A question in reference to Frog when he awakens

Magus[edit]

I... it's that stupid frog! Kissed any princesses lately?!

Ah...! The Masamune! I bet you're just dying to use it! The black wind begins to blow... Okay... give me your best shot... If you're prepared for the void!

The black wind howls... One among you will shortly perish...

Janus (Magus as a child, in the year 12,000 B.C.)

Don't waste your time. Alfador only likes me.

Janus, when the player tries to talk to Alfador the cat

... go away!

Janus, when the player tries to talk to him

What a filthy hovel!

Janus, surveying the Terra Cave

I survived the Darkness to defeat you!

To Lavos

Idiots... Nothing can live forever.

Do you wish to fight me?

At the North cape, after being confronted by the player

Unimaginable is the power of Lavos. Anyone who dares to oppose... it... meets certain doom.

I never imagined that we would settle our score in this dusty old era. Come, let us finish this charade!

At the North Cape, to Frog before the one on one duel

There's a letter here. Shall we burn it?

The weak always strive to be weaker...

You got whacked 'cuz you're weak.

To Crono at the End of Time

Oh, how dreadful. Say, do you hear that? It's the sound of the Reaper...

To Ozzie, at the end of his castle before facing him

The past is dead. It was all just a dream...

We were created only to be harvested. All people... and all living things... It's over for you... Your life ends here!

When facing Lavos

If history is to change, let it change! If the world is to be destroyed, so be it! If my fate is to be destroyed... I must simply laugh!

Marle[edit]

Crono! We can't keep sponging off my dad! Go and get a job!

Enough with the false modesty! You have a real gift! I would trade my royal ancestry for your genius in a heartbeat!

To Lucca

I didn't "pick up" anything from outside! It's called "common sense!"

Reacting to King Guardia's remark about the things she learns outside the castle

It was awful. I can't recall it all... I was somewhere cold, dark, and lonely. Is that what it's like to... die?

Returning from being written out of history

Like we're in another world.

About 2300 AD

You cocky boxes of bolts!

Robo[edit]

Good morning, mistress. What is your command?

To Lucca after she repairs him.

Name? Ah, my serial number. It is R66-Y.

Something is written in archaic script. I will translate... R...o...i...h...c...l...e...m? Roihclem? System error! I reversed it! It says "Melchior!".

Upon finding the broken hilt of Masamune.

The Time Gyro says... What!? 12,000 years in the past?! That was some trip!

Upon first traveling to the Dark Ages

Systems reactivated. Wh, where am I? Ahh... Chrono, how nice to see you. For you, it was a quick hop, but for me 400 long years have passed. The effort was worth it! The forest has grown back! Now, let us celebrate our 400th year reunion.

After reviving Fiona's forest.

After 400 years of experience, I have come to think that Lavos may not be responsible for the Gates... It is unknown, whose memories these are. It may be something beyond our comprehension. Our journey may come to an end when we finally discover the identity of the Entity. ... shall we turn in for the night?

Contemplating the origin of the gates.

I'll give you my legs! They're lightweight and well balanced. You could mount some treads on me instead.

To Lucca after she fails to save her mother from the accident.

I'm sorry but... I cannot afford to lose anything else... Not my precious memories, or my irreplaceable friends... Humans have taught me much. Crono, Marle, Lucca, Frog, and Ayla... I will not betray my friends.

To Mother Brain

A.D. 1999! At 1:24! Data confirmed!

Time of Lavos's Apocalypse.

Lucca, YOU have taught me these emotions. Thank you.

To Lucca before he returns to the new future.

Caution! Oil has washed over my sight sensors. Sight diminished...

Before entering the gate to the new future.

Others[edit]

You're a marshmallow, Glenn.

Cyrus

All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth! This is my belief! ...At least for now.

Belthasar in "The Mystery of Life" Vol. 841 Ch. 26

It all began aeons ago, when man's ancestors picked up a shard of strange red rock. Its power, which was beyond human comprehension, cultivated dreams... in turn, love and hate were born... Only time will see how it all ends.

Belthasar's book in Kajar

This is the eternal kingdom of Zeal, where dreams can come true. But at what price?

Doreen in Enhasa

I'm Doreen. Seek the hidden path, and open the doors of knowledge, each in turn.

Doreen in Enhasa

Am I butterfly dreaming I'm a man? Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of sashimi? Never assume what you see and feel is real!

Doreen (playing on a famous quote by Zhuangzi)

Water summons Wind, Wind makes Fire dance!

Code to unlock Nu secret room in Enhasa and Kajar

In our world, every storm has an end. Every night has a new morning. What's important is to trust those you love, and never give up. We must all keep hope alive...

Nun at Cathedral in 600 AD

Just as you touch the energy of every life form you meet, so, too, will their energy strengthen you. Fail to live up to your potential, and you will never win.

Gaspar

Male...female...what's the difference? Power is beautiful, and I've got the power!

Flea

dear me...! Crono! how many times have I told you to keep your pets outside!

Crono's Mom, about Frog

Congrats on finishing the game. Now get a life!

Eiji Nakamura in the "Programmers'" Ending

Stop degrading yourselves! We Enlightened Ones were once the same as you. The only difference is that we are under Lavos' control.

Schala

Behold, my pretties! Destiny, in its most brutal form. All the dreams that might have been. All the happiness and sorrow you might have experienced. Gone forever! For you there will be no tomorrow! The Black Omen transcends time and space, waiting for Lavos to awaken! Destiny has led you here. And here you shall rest forever, unless you defeat me, and smash the Omen! Perhaps I can persuade Lavos to share his dreams to you! Did I say dreams? I meant his eternal nightmare!

Queen Zeal

This weapon represents considerable power... Your actions may either save or destroy life. Wield your sword with full knowledge of the consequences!

Melchior

To bring back lost loved ones... It's what everyone wants... Crono must be proud... to have friends like you...

Gaspar

My name is Gato/I have metal joints/Beat me up/And earn fifteen silver points!

Gato (singing)

(When exiting a portal that came up in a closet in a imp's house) Did you guys just come out of the closet? Get out of here!

Imp in Medina

HP/MP restored! But you're still hungry.

2300 A.D., after using a sleep chamber.


	18. Chapter 18 ABCs

The First Book of Moses, Called

Genesis

[Genesis]

1

The Creation

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without form, and void ; and darkness was upon

the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of

the waters.

¶ And God said, Let there be light : and there was light.

And God saw the light, that it was good : and God divided the light

from the darkness.

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.

And the evening and the morning were the first day.

¶ And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the

waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were

under the firmament from the waters which were above the

firmament : and it was so.

And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the

morning were the second day.

¶ And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered

together unto one place, and let the dry land appear : and it was so.

And God called the dry land Earth ; and the gathering together of

the waters called he Seas : and God saw that it was good.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding

seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in

itself, upon the earth : and it was so.

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his

kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his

kind : and God saw that it was good.

And the evening and the morning were the third day.

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6 Genesis 1

¶ And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven

to divide the day from the night ; and let them be for signs, and for

seasons, and for days, and years :

and let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give

light upon the earth : and it was so.

And God made two great lights ; the greater light to rule the day,

and the lesser light to rule the night : he made the stars also.

And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light

upon the earth,

and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light

from the darkness : and God saw that it was good.

And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

¶ And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving

creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the

open firmament of heaven.

And God created great whales, and every living creature that

moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their

kind, and every winged fowl after his kind : and God saw that it was

good.

And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill

the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

¶ And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after

his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his

kind : and it was so.

And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after

their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his

kind : and God saw that it was good.

¶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness :

and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the

fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over

every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created

he him ; male and female created he them.

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7 Genesis 2

And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and

multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it : and have

dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and

over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed,

which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which

is the fruit of a tree yielding seed ; to you it shall be for meat.

And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to

every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have

given every green herb for meat : and it was so.

And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was

very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

2

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of

them.

And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made ;

and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had

made.

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it : because that in

it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

Man in the Garden of Eden

¶ These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when

they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth

and the heavens,

and every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every

herb of the field before it grew : for the Lord God had not caused it

to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole

face of the ground.

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8 Genesis 2

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and

breathed into his nostrils the breath of life ; and man became a

living soul.

And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden ; and there

he put the man whom he had formed.

And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that

is pleasant to the sight, and good for food ; the tree of life also in the

midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

¶ And a river went out of Eden to water the garden ; and from

thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

The name of the first is Pison : that is it which compasseth the

whole land of Havilah, where there is gold ;

and the gold of that land is good : there is bdellium and the onyx

stone.

And the name of the second river is Gihon : the same is it that

compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia.

And the name of the third river is Hiddekel : that is it which goeth

toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

¶ And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of

Eden to dress it and to keep it.

And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of

the garden thou mayest freely eat :

but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat

of it : for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

¶ And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be

alone ; I will make him a help meet for him.

And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the

field, and every fowl of the air ; and brought them unto Adam to see

what he would call them : and whatsoever Adam called every living

creature, that was the name thereof.

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and

to every beast of the field ; but for Adam there was not found a help

meet for him.

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9 Genesis 3

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he

slept ; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead

thereof.

And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a

woman, and brought her unto the man.

And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my

flesh : she shall be called Woman [heb. Isha], because she was taken

out of Man [heb. Ish].

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall

cleave unto his wife : and they shall be one flesh.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not

ashamed.

3

Man's Disobedience

Now the serpent was more subtile than any beast of the field which

the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath

God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden ?

And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of

the trees of the garden :

but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God

hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die :

for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes

shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that

it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise,

she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her

husband with her ; and he did eat.

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they

were naked ; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made

themselves aprons.

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10 Genesis 3

¶ And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden

in the cool of the day : and Adam and his wife hid themselves from

the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.

And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where

art thou ?

And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid,

because I was naked ; and I hid myself.

And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked ? Hast thou eaten

of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat ?

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me,

she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou

hast done ? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I

did eat.

¶ And the Lord God said unto the serpent,

Because thou hast done this,

thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field ;

upon thy belly shalt thou go,

and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life :

and I will put enmity between thee and the woman,

and between thy seed and her seed ;

it shall bruise thy head,

and thou shalt bruise his heel.

Unto the woman he said,

I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception ;

in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children ;

and thy desire shall be to thy husband,

and he shall rule over thee.

And unto Adam he said,

Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife,

and hast eaten of the tree,

of which I commanded thee, saying,

Thou shalt not eat of it :

cursed is the ground for thy sake ;

in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life ;

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11 Genesis 4

thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee ;

and thou shalt eat the herb of the field :

in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread,

till thou return unto the ground ;

for out of it wast thou taken :

for dust thou art,and unto dust shalt thou return.

¶ And Adam called his wife's name Eve [living] ; because she was

the mother of all living.

Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of

skins, and clothed them.

¶ And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us,

to know good and evil : and now, lest he put forth his hand, and

take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever :

therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to

till the ground from whence he was taken.

So he drove out the man : and he placed at the east of the garden of

Eden cherubim, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to

keep the way of the tree of life.

4

Cain and Abel

And Adam knew Eve his wife ; and she conceived, and bare Cain

[gotten, or acquired], and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.

And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of

sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the groun

Differences arise also in friendships based on superiority; for

each expects to get more out of them, but when this happens

the friendship is dissolved. Not only does the better man think

he ought to get more, since more should be assigned to a good

man, but the more useful similarly expects this; they say a

useless man should not get as much as they should, since it

becomes an act of public service and not a friendship if the

proceeds of the friendship do not answer to the worth of the

benefits conferred. For they think that, as in a commercial

partnership those who put more in get more out, so it should be

in friendship. But the man who is in a state of need and

inferiority makes the opposite claim; they think it is the part of

a good friend to help those who are in need; what, they say, is

the use of being the friend of a good man or a powerful man, if

one is to get nothing out of it?

At all events it seems that each party is justified in his claim,

and that each should get more out of the friendship than the

other – not more of the same thing, however, but the superior

more honour and the inferior more gain; for honour is the prize

of virtue and of beneficence, while gain is the assistance

required by inferiority.

It seems to be so in constitutional arrangements also; the man

who contributes nothing good to the common stock is not

honoured; for what belongs to the public is given to the man

who benefits the public, and honour does belong to the public.

It is not possible to get wealth from the common stock and at

the same time honour. For no one puts up with the smaller

share in all things; therefore to the man who loses in wealth

they assign honour and to the man who is willing to be paid,

wealth, since the proportion to merit equalizes the parties and

preserves the friendship, as we have said. This then is also the

2736

way in which we should associate with unequals; the man who

is benefited in respect of wealth or virtue must give honour in

return, repaying what he can. For friendship asks a man to do

what he can, not what is proportional to the merits of the case;

since that cannot always be done, e.g. in honours paid to the

gods or to parents; for no one could ever return to them the

equivalent of what he gets, but the man who serves them to the

utmost of his power is thought to be a good man. This is why it

would not seem open to a man to disown his father (though a

father may disown his son); being in debt, he should repay, but

there is nothing by doing which a son will have done the

equivalent of what he has received, so that he is always in debt.

But creditors can remit a debt; and a father can therefore do so

too. At the same time it is thought that presumably no one

would repudiate a son who was not far gone in wickedness; for

apart from the natural friendship of father and son it is human

nature not to reject a son's assistance. But the son, if he is

wicked, will naturally avoid aiding his father, or not be zealous

about it; for most people wish to get benefits, but avoid doing

them, as a thing unprofitable. – So much for these questions.

Book IX

1

In all friendships between dissimilars it is, as we have said,

proportion that equalizes the parties and preserves the

2737

friendship; e.g. in the political form of friendship the shoemaker

gets a return for his shoes in proportion to his worth, and the

weaver and all other craftsmen do the same. Now here a

common measure has been provided in the form of money, and

therefore everything is referred to this and measured by this;

but in the friendship of lovers sometimes the lover complains

that his excess of love is not met by love in return though

perhaps there is nothing lovable about him), while often the

beloved complains that the lover who formerly promised

everything now performs nothing. Such incidents happen when

the lover loves the beloved for the sake of pleasure while the

beloved loves the lover for the sake of utility, and they do not

both possess the qualities expected of them. If these be the

objects of the friendship it is dissolved when they do not get the

things that formed the motives of their love; for each did not

love the other person himself but the qualities he had, and

these were not enduring; that is why the friendships also are

transient. But the love of characters, as has been said, endures

because it is self-dependent. Differences arise when what they

get is something different and not what they desire; for it is like

getting nothing at all when we do not get what we aim at;

compare the story of the person who made promises to a lyreplayer,

promising him the more, the better he sang, but in the

morning, when the other demanded the fulfilment of his

promises, said that he had given pleasure for pleasure. Now if

this had been what each wanted, all would have been well; but

if the one wanted enjoyment but the other gain, and the one

has what he wants while the other has not, the terms of the

association will not have been properly fulfilled; for what each

in fact wants is what he attends to, and it is for the sake of that

that that he will give what he has.

But who is to fix the worth of the service; he who makes the

sacrifice or he who has got the advantage? At any rate the other

seems to leave it to him. This is what they say Protagoras used

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to do; whenever he taught anything whatsoever, he bade the

learner assess the value of the knowledge, and accepted the

amount so fixed. But in such matters some men approve of the

saying 'let a man have his fixed reward'. Those who get the

money first and then do none of the things they said they

would, owing to the extravagance of their promises, naturally

find themselves the objects of complaint; for they do not fulfil

what they agreed to. The sophists are perhaps compelled to do

this because no one would give money for the things they do

know. These people then, if they do not do what they have been

paid for, are naturally made the objects of complaint.

But where there is no contract of service, those who give up

something for the sake of the other party cannot (as we have

said) be complained of (for that is the nature of the friendship of

virtue), and the return to them must be made on the basis of

their purpose (for it is purpose that is the characteristic thing in

a friend and in virtue). And so too, it seems, should one make a

return to those with whom one has studied philosophy; for

their worth cannot be measured against money, and they can

get no honour which will balance their services, but still it is

perhaps enough, as it is with the gods and with one's parents, to

give them what one can.

If the gift was not of this sort, but was made with a view to a

return, it is no doubt preferable that the return made should be

one that seems fair to both parties, but if this cannot be

achieved, it would seem not only necessary that the person who

gets the first service should fix the reward, but also just; for if

the other gets in return the equivalent of the advantage the

beneficiary has received, or the price lie would have paid for the

pleasure, he will have got what is fair as from the other.

We see this happening too with things put up for sale, and in

some places there are laws providing that no actions shall arise

2739

out of voluntary contracts, on the assumption that one should

settle with a person to whom one has given credit, in the spirit

in which one bargained with him. The law holds that it is more

just that the person to whom credit was given should fix the

terms than that the person who gave credit should do so. For

most things are not assessed at the same value by those who

have them and those who want them; each class values highly

what is its own and what it is offering; yet the return is made on

the terms fixed by the receiver. But no doubt the receiver should

assess a thing not at what it seems worth when he has it, but at

what he assessed it at before he had it.

2

A further problem is set by such questions as, whether one

should in all things give the preference to one's father and obey

him, or whether when one is ill one should trust a doctor, and

when one has to elect a general should elect a man of military

skill; and similarly whether one should render a service by

preference to a friend or to a good man, and should show

gratitude to a benefactor or oblige a friend, if one cannot do

both.

All such questions are hard, are they not, to decide with

precision? For they admit of many variations of all sorts in

respect both of the magnitude of the service and of its nobility

necessity. But that we should not give the preference in all

things to the same person is plain enough; and we must for the

most part return benefits rather than oblige friends, as we must

pay back a loan to a creditor rather than make one to a friend.

But perhaps even this is not always true; e.g. should a man who

has been ransomed out of the hands of brigands ransom his

2740

ransomer in return, whoever he may be (or pay him if he has

not been captured but demands payment) or should he ransom

his father? It would seem that he should ransom his father in

preference even to himself. As we have said, then, generally the

debt should be paid, but if the gift is exceedingly noble or

exceedingly necessary, one should defer to these

considerations. For sometimes it is not even fair to return the

equivalent of what one has received, when the one man has

done a service to one whom he knows to be good, while the

other makes a return to one whom he believes to be bad. For

that matter, one should sometimes not lend in return to one

who has lent to oneself; for the one person lent to a good man,

expecting to recover his loan, while the other has no hope of

recovering from one who is believed to be bad. Therefore if the

facts really are so, the demand is not fair; and if they are not,

but people think they are, they would be held to be doing

nothing strange in refusing. As we have often pointed out, then,

discussions about feelings and actions have just as much

definiteness as their subject-matter.

That we should not make the same return to every one, nor give

a father the preference in everything, as one does not sacrifice

everything to Zeus, is plain enough; but since we ought to

render different things to parents, brothers, comrades, and

benefactors, we ought to render to each class what is

appropriate and becoming. And this is what people seem in fact

to do; to marriages they invite their kinsfolk; for these have a

part in the family and therefore in the doings that affect the

family; and at funerals also they think that kinsfolk, before all

others, should meet, for the same reason. And it would be

thought that in the matter of food we should help our parents

before all others, since we owe our own nourishment to them,

and it is more honourable to help in this respect the authors of

our being even before ourselves; and honour too one should

give to one's parents as one does to the gods, but not any and

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every honour; for that matter one should not give the same

honour to one's father and one's mother, nor again should one

give them the honour due to a philosopher or to a general, but

the honour due to a father, or again to a mother. To all older

persons, too, one should give honour appropriate to their age, by

rising to receive them and finding seats for them and so on;

while to comrades and brothers one should allow freedom of

speech and common use of all things. To kinsmen, too, and

fellow-tribesmen and fellow-citizens and to every other class

one should always try to assign what is appropriate, and to

compare the claims of each class with respect to nearness of

relation and to virtue or usefulness. The comparison is easier

when the persons belong to the same class, and more laborious

when they are different. Yet we must not on that account shrink

from the task, but decide the question as best we can.

3

Another question that arises is whether friendships should or

should not be broken off when the other party does not remain

the same. Perhaps we may say that there is nothing strange in

breaking off a friendship based on utility or pleasure, when our

friends no longer have these attributes. For it was of these

attributes that we were the friends; and when these have failed

it is reasonable to love no longer. But one might complain of

another if, when he loved us for our usefulness or pleasantness,

he pretended to love us for our character. For, as we said at the

outset, most differences arise between friends when they are

not friends in the spirit in which they think they are. So when a

man has deceived himself and has thought he was being loved

for his character, when the other person was doing nothing of

the kind, he must blame himself; when he has been deceived by

2742

the pretences of the other person, it is just that he should

complain against his deceiver; he will complain with more

justice than one does against people who counterfeit the

currency, inasmuch as the wrongdoing is concerned with

something more valuable.

But if one accepts another man as good, and he turns out badly

and is seen to do so, must one still love him? Surely it is

impossible, since not everything can be loved, but only what is

good. What is evil neither can nor should be loved; for it is not

one's duty to be a lover of evil, nor to become like what is bad;

and we have said that like is dear like. Must the friendship,

then, be forthwith broken off? Or is this not so in all cases, but

only when one's friends are incurable in their wickedness? If

they are capable of being reformed one should rather come to

the assistance of their character or their property, inasmuch as

this is better and more characteristic of friendship. But a man

who breaks off such a friendship would seem to be doing

nothing strange; for it was not to a man of this sort that he was

a friend; when his friend has changed, therefore, and he is

unable to save him, he gives him up.

But if one friend remained the same while the other became

better and far outstripped him in virtue, should the latter treat

the former as a friend? Surely he cannot. When the interval is

great this becomes most plain, e.g. in the case of childish

friendships; if one friend remained a child in intellect while the

other became a fully developed man, how could they be friends

when they neither approved of the same things nor delighted in

and were pained by the same things? For not even with regard

to each other will their tastes agree, and without this (as we

saw) they cannot be friends; for they cannot live together. But

we have discussed these matters.

2743

Should he, then, behave no otherwise towards him than he

would if he had never been his friend? Surely he should keep a

remembrance of their former intimacy, and as we think we

ought to oblige friends rather than strangers, so to those who

have been our friends we ought to make some allowance for our

former friendship, when the breach has not been due to excess

of wickedness.

4

Friendly relations with one's neighbours, and the marks by

which friendships are defined, seem to have proceeded from a

man's relations to himself. For (1) we define a friend as one who

wishes and does what is good, or seems so, for the sake of his

friend, or (2) as one who wishes his friend to exist and live, for

his sake; which mothers do to their children, and friends do

who have come into conflict. And (3) others define him as one

who lives with and (4) has the same tastes as another, or (5) one

who grieves and rejoices with his friend; and this too is found in

mothers most of all. It is by some one of these characterstics

that friendship too is defined.

Now each of these is true of the good man's relation to himself

(and of all other men in so far as they think themselves good;

virtue and the good man seem, as has been said, to be the

measure of every class of things). For his opinions are

harmonious, and he desires the same things with all his soul;

and therefore he wishes for himself what is good and what

seems so, and does it (for it is characteristic of the good man to

work out the good), and does so for his own sake (for he does it

for the sake of the intellectual element in him, which is thought

to be the man himself); and he wishes himself to live and be

2744

preserved, and especially the element by virtue of which he

thinks. For existence is good to the virtuous man, and each man

wishes himself what is good, while no one chooses to possess

the whole world if he has first to become some one else (for

that matter, even now God possesses the good); he wishes for

this only on condition of being whatever he is; and the element

that thinks would seem to be the individual man, or to be so

more than any other element in him. And such a man wishes to

live with himself; for he does so with pleasure, since the

memories of his past acts are delightful and his hopes for the

future are good, and therefore pleasant. His mind is well stored

too with subjects of contemplation. And he grieves and rejoices,

more than any other, with himself; for the same thing is always

painful, and the same thing always pleasant, and not one thing

at one time and another at another; he has, so to speak, nothing

to repent of.

Therefore, since each of these characteristics belongs to the

good man in relation to himself, and he is related to his friend

as to himself (for his friend is another self), friendship too is

thought to be one of these attributes, and those who have these

attributes to be friends. Whether there is or is not friendship

between a man and himself is a question we may dismiss for

the present; there would seem to be friendship in so far as he is

two or more, to judge from the afore-mentioned attributes of

friendship, and from the fact that the extreme of friendship is

likened to one's love for oneself.

But the attributes named seem to belong even to the majority of

men, poor creatures though they may be. Are we to say then

that in so far as they are satisfied with themselves and think

they are good, they share in these attributes? Certainly no one

who is thoroughly bad and impious has these attributes, or even

seems to do so. They hardly belong even to inferior people; for

they are at variance with themselves, and have appetites for

2745

some things and rational desires for others. This is true, for

instance, of incontinent people; for they choose, instead of the

things they themselves think good, things that are pleasant but

hurtful; while others again, through cowardice and laziness,

shrink from doing what they think best for themselves. And

those who have done many terrible deeds and are hated for

their wickedness even shrink from life and destroy themselves.

And wicked men seek for people with whom to spend their

days, and shun themselves; for they remember many a grevious

deed, and anticipate others like them, when they are by

themselves, but when they are with others they forget. And

having nothing lovable in them they have no feeling of love to

themselves. Therefore also such men do not rejoice or grieve

with themselves; for their soul is rent by faction, and one

element in it by reason of its wickedness grieves when it

abstains from certain acts, while the other part is pleased, and

one draws them this way and the other that, as if they were

pulling them in pieces. If a man cannot at the same time be

pained and pleased, at all events after a short time he is pained

because he was pleased, and he could have wished that these

things had not been pleasant to him; for bad men are laden

with repentance.

Therefore the bad man does not seem to be amicably disposed

even to himself, because there is nothing in him to love; so that

if to be thus is the height of wretchedness, we should strain

every nerve to avoid wickedness and should endeavour to be

good; for so and only so can one be either friendly to oneself or

a friend to another.

2746

ARIEL. No.

PROSPERO. Thou dost; and think'st it much to tread the ooze Of the salt deep,

To run upon the sharp wind of the north,

To do me business in the veins o' th' earth

When it is bak'd with frost.

ARIEL. I do not, sir.

PROSPERO. Thou liest, malignant thing. Hast thou forgot

The foul witch Sycorax, who with age and envy

1816

Was grown into a hoop? Hast thou forgot her?

ARIEL. No, sir.

PROSPERO. Thou hast. Where was she born?

Speak; tell me.

ARIEL. Sir, in Argier.

PROSPERO. O, was she so? I must

Once in a month recount what thou hast been,

Which thou forget'st. This damn'd witch Sycorax,

For mischiefs manifold, and sorceries terrible

To enter human hearing, from Argier

Thou know'st was banish'd; for one thing she did

They would not take her life. Is not this true?

ARIEL. Ay, sir.

PROSPERO. This blue-ey'd hag was hither brought with child, And here was left by th'sailors. Thou, my

slave,

As thou report'st thyself, wast then her servant;

And, for thou wast a spirit too delicate

To act her earthy and abhorr'd commands,

Refusing her grand hests, she did confine thee,

By help of her more potent ministers,

And in her most unmitigable rage,

Into a cloven pine; within which rift

Imprison'd thou didst painfully remain

A dozen years; within which space she died,

And left thee there, where thou didst vent thy groans

As fast as mill-wheels strike. Then was this islandSave

for the son that she did litter here,

A freckl'd whelp, hag-born-not honour'd with

A human shape.

ARIEL. Yes, Caliban her son.

PROSPERO. Dull thing, I say so; he, that Caliban

Whom now I keep in service. Thou best know'st

What torment I did find thee in; thy groans

Did make wolves howl, and penetrate the breasts

Of ever-angry bears; it was a torment

To lay upon the damn'd, which Sycorax

Could not again undo. It was mine art,

When I arriv'd and heard thee, that made gape

The pine, and let thee out.

ARIEL. I thank thee, master.

PROSPERO. If thou more murmur'st, I will rend an oak

And peg thee in his knotty entrails, till

Thou hast howl'd away twelve winters.

ARIEL. Pardon, master;

I will be correspondent to command,

And do my spriting gently.

PROSPERO. Do so; and after two days

I will discharge thee.

ARIEL. That's my noble master!

What shall I do? Say what. What shall I do?

PROSPERO. Go make thyself like a nymph o' th' sea; be subject To no sight but thine and mine, invisible

To every eyeball else. Go take this shape,

1817

And hither come in 't. Go, hence with diligence!

Exit ARIEL Awake, dear heart, awake; thou hast slept well;

Awake.

MIRANDA. The strangeness of your story put

Heaviness in me.

PROSPERO. Shake it off. Come on,

We'll visit Caliban, my slave, who never

Yields us kind answer.

MIRANDA. 'Tis a villain, sir,

I do not love to look on.

PROSPERO. But as 'tis,

We cannot miss him: he does make our fire,

Fetch in our wood, and serves in offices

That profit us. What ho! slave! Caliban!

Thou earth, thou! Speak.

CALIBAN. [ Within] There's wood enough within.

PROSPERO. Come forth, I say; there's other business for thee. Come, thou tortoise! when?

Re-enter ARIEL like a water-nymph

Fine apparition! My quaint Ariel,

Hark in thine ear.

ARIEL. My lord, it shall be done. Exit PROSPERO. Thou poisonous slave, got by the devil himself

Upon thy wicked dam, come forth!

Enter CALIBAN

CALIBAN. As wicked dew as e'er my mother brush'd

With raven's feather from unwholesome fen

Drop on you both! A south-west blow on ye

And blister you all o'er!

PROSPERO. For this, be sure, to-night thou shalt have cramps, Side-stitches that shall pen thy breath up;

urchins

Shall, for that vast of night that they may work,

All exercise on thee; thou shalt be pinch'd

As thick as honeycomb, each pinch more stinging

Than bees that made 'em.

CALIBAN. I must eat my dinner.

This island's mine, by Sycorax my mother,

Which thou tak'st from me. When thou cam'st first,

Thou strok'st me and made much of me, wouldst give me

Water with berries in't, and teach me how

To name the bigger light, and how the less,

That burn by day and night; and then I lov'd thee,

And show'd thee all the qualities o' th' isle,

The fresh springs, brine-pits, barren place and fertile. Curs'd be I that did so! All the charms

Of Sycorax, toads, beetles, bats, light on you!

For I am all the subjects that you have,

Which first was mine own king; and here you sty me

In this hard rock, whiles you do keep from me

The rest o' th' island.

1818

PROSPERO. Thou most lying slave,

Whom stripes may move, not kindness! I have us'd thee,

Filth as thou art, with human care, and lodg'd thee

In mine own cell, till thou didst seek to violate

The honour of my child.

CALIBAN. O ho, O ho! Would't had been done.

Thou didst prevent me; I had peopl'd else

This isle with Calibans.

MIRANDA. Abhorred slave,

Which any print of goodness wilt not take,

Being capable of all ill! I pitied thee,

Took pains to make thee speak, taught thee each hour

One thing or other. When thou didst not, savage,

Know thine own meaning, but wouldst gabble like

A thing most brutish, I endow'd thy purposes

With words that made them known. But thy vile race,

Though thou didst learn, had that in't which good natures Could not abide to be with; therefore wast thou

Deservedly confin'd into this rock, who hadst

Deserv'd more than a prison.

CALIBAN. You taught me language, and my profit on't

Is, I know how to curse. The red plague rid you

For learning me your language!

PROSPERO. Hag-seed, hence!

Fetch us in fuel. And be quick, thou 'rt best,

To answer other business. Shrug'st thou, malice?

If thou neglect'st, or dost unwillingly

What I command, I'll rack thee with old cramps,

Fill all thy bones with aches, make thee roar,

That beasts shall tremble at thy din.

CALIBAN. No, pray thee.

[Aside] I must obey. His art is of such pow'r,

It would control my dam's god, Setebos,

And make a vassal of him.

PROSPERO. So, slave; hence! Exit CALIBAN

Re-enter ARIEL invisible, playing ad singing;

FERDINAND following

ARIEL'S SONG.

Come unto these yellow sands,

And then take hands;

Curtsied when you have and kiss'd,

The wild waves whist,

Foot it featly here and there,

And, sweet sprites, the burden bear.

Hark, hark!

[Burden dispersedly: Bow-wow.]

The watch dogs bark.

[Burden dispersedly: Bow-wow.]

Hark, hark! I hear

The strain of strutting chanticleer

Cry, Cock-a-diddle-dow.

1819

FERDINAND. Where should this music be? I' th' air or th'

earth?

It sounds no more; and sure it waits upon

Some god o' th' island. Sitting on a bank,

Weeping again the King my father's wreck,

This music crept by me upon the waters,

Allaying both their fury and my passion

With its sweet air; thence I have follow'd it,

Or it hath drawn me rather. But 'tis gone.

No, it begins again.

ARIEL'S SONG

Full fathom five thy father lies;

Of his bones are coral made;

Those are pearls that were his eyes;

Nothing of him that doth fade

But doth suffer a sea-change

Into something rich and strange.

Sea-nymphs hourly ring his knell:

[Burden: Ding-dong.]

Hark! now I hear them-Ding-dong bell.

FERDINAND. The ditty does remember my drown'd father.

This is no mortal business, nor no sound

That the earth owes. I hear it now above me.

PROSPERO. The fringed curtains of thine eye advance,

And say what thou seest yond.

MIRANDA. What is't? a spirit?

Lord, how it looks about! Believe me, sir,

It carries a brave form. But 'tis a spirit.

PROSPERO. No, wench; it eats and sleeps and hath such senses As we have, such. This gallant which thou

seest

Was in the wreck; and but he's something stain'd

With grief, that's beauty's canker, thou mightst call him A goodly person. He hath lost his fellows,

And strays about to find 'em.

MIRANDA. I might call him

A thing divine; for nothing natural

I ever saw so noble.

PROSPERO. [Aside] It goes on, I see,

As my soul prompts it. Spirit, fine spirit! I'll free thee Within two days for this.

FERDINAND. Most sure, the goddess

On whom these airs attend! Vouchsafe my pray'r

May know if you remain upon this island;

And that you will some good instruction give

How I may bear me here. My prime request,

Which I do last pronounce, is, O you wonder!

If you be maid or no?

MIRANDA. No wonder, sir;

But certainly a maid.

FERDINAND. My language? Heavens!

I am the best of them that speak this speech,

Were I but where 'tis spoken.

1820

PROSPERO. How? the best?

What wert thou, if the King of Naples heard thee?

FERDINAND. A single thing, as I am now, that wonders

To hear thee speak of Naples. He does hear me;

And that he does I weep. Myself am Naples,

Who with mine eyes, never since at ebb, beheld

The King my father wreck'd.

MIRANDA. Alack, for mercy!

FERDINAND. Yes, faith, and all his lords, the Duke of Milan And his brave son being twain.

PROSPERO. [Aside] The Duke of Milan

And his more braver daughter could control thee,

If now 'twere fit to do't. At the first sight

They have chang'd eyes. Delicate Ariel,

I'll set thee free for this. [To FERDINAND] A word, good sir;

I fear you have done yourself some wrong; a word.

MIRANDA. Why speaks my father so ungently? This

Is the third man that e'er I saw; the first

That e'er I sigh'd for. Pity move my father

To be inclin'd my way!

FERDINAND. O, if a virgin,

And your affection not gone forth, I'll make you

The Queen of Naples.

PROSPERO. Soft, Sir! one word more.

[Aside] They are both in either's pow'rs; but this swift busines

I must uneasy make, lest too light winning

Make the prize light. [To FERDINAND] One word more; I charge thee

That thou attend me; thou dost here usurp

The name thou ow'st not; and hast put thyself

Upon this island as a spy, to win it

From me, the lord on't.

FERDINAND. No, as I am a man.

MIRANDA. There's nothing ill can dwell in such a temple.

If the ill spirit have so fair a house,

Good things will strive to dwell with't.

PROSPERO. Follow me.

Speak not you for him; he's a traitor. Come;

I'll manacle thy neck and feet together.

Sea-water shalt thou drink; thy food shall be

The fresh-brook mussels, wither'd roots, and husks

Wherein the acorn cradled. Follow.

FERDINAND. No;

I will resist such entertainment till

Mine enemy has more power.

[He draws, and is charmed from moving] MIRANDA. O dear father,

Make not too rash a trial of him, for

He's gentle, and not fearful.

PROSPERO. What, I say,

My foot my tutor? Put thy sword up, traitor;

Who mak'st a show but dar'st not strike, thy conscience Is so possess'd with guilt. Come from thy ward;

For I can here disarm thee with this stick

And make thy weapon drop.

1821

MIRANDA. Beseech you, father!

PROSPERO. Hence! Hang not on my garments.

MIRANDA. Sir, have pity;

I'll be his surety.

PROSPERO. Silence! One word more

Shall make me chide thee, if not hate thee. What!

An advocate for an impostor! hush!

Thou think'st there is no more such shapes as he,

Having seen but him and Caliban. Foolish wench!

To th' most of men this is a Caliban,

And they to him are angels.

MIRANDA. My affections

Are then most humble; I have no ambition

To see a goodlier man.

PROSPERO. Come on; obey.

Thy nerves are in their infancy again,

And have no vigour in them.

FERDINAND. So they are;

My spirits, as in a dream, are all bound up.

My father's loss, the weakness which I feel,

The wreck of all my friends, nor this man's threats

To whom I am subdu'd, are but light to me,

Might I but through my prison once a day

Behold this maid. All corners else o' th' earth

Let liberty make use of; space enough

Have I in such a prison.

PROSPERO. [Aside] It works. [To FERDINAND] Come on.-

Thou hast done well, fine Ariel! [To FERDINAND] Follow me.

[To ARIEL] Hark what thou else shalt do me.

MIRANDA. Be of comfort;

My father's of a better nature, sir,

Than he appears by speech; this is unwonted

Which now came from him.

PROSPERO. [To ARIEL] Thou shalt be as free

As mountain winds; but then exactly do

All points of my command.

ARIEL. To th' syllable.

PROSPERO. [To FERDINAND] Come, follow. [To MIRANDA]

Speak not for him. Exeunt

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ACT II. SCENE 1

Another part of the island

1822

Enter ALONSO, SEBASTIAN, ANTONIO, GONZALO, ADRIAN, FRANCISCO, and OTHERS

GONZALO. Beseech you, sir, be merry; you have cause,

So have we all, of joy; for our escape

Is much beyond our loss. Our hint of woe

Is common; every day, some sailor's wife,

The masters of some merchant, and the merchant,

Have just our theme of woe; but for the miracle,

I mean our preservation, few in millions

Can speak like us. Then wisely, good sir, weigh

Our sorrow with our comfort.

ALONSO. Prithee, peace.

SEBASTIAN. He receives comfort like cold porridge.

ANTONIO. The visitor will not give him o'er so.

SEBASTIAN. Look, he's winding up the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

GONZALO. SirSEBASTIAN.

One-Tell.

GONZALO. When every grief is entertain'd that's offer'd,

Comes to th' entertainerSEBASTIAN.

A dollar.

GONZALO. Dolour comes to him, indeed; you have spoken

truer than you purpos'd.

SEBASTIAN. You have taken it wiselier than I meant you

should.

GONZALO. Therefore, my lordANTONIO.

Fie, what a spendthrift is he of his tongue!

ALONSO. I prithee, spare.

GONZALO. Well, I have done; but yetSEBASTIAN.

He will be talking.

ANTONIO. Which, of he or Adrian, for a good wager, first

begins to crow?

SEBASTIAN. The old cock.

ANTONIO. The cock'rel.

SEBASTIAN. Done. The wager?

ANTONIO. A laughter.

SEBASTIAN. A match!

ADRIAN. Though this island seem to be desertANTONIO.

Ha, ha, ha!

SEBASTIAN. So, you're paid.

ADRIAN. Uninhabitable, and almost inaccessibleSEBASTIAN.

YetADRIAN.

YetANTONIO.

He could not miss't.

ADRIAN. It must needs be of subtle, tender, and delicate

temperance.

ANTONIO. Temperance was a delicate wench.

SEBASTIAN. Ay, and a subtle; as he most learnedly

deliver'd.

ADRIAN. The air breathes upon us here most sweetly.

SEBASTIAN. As if it had lungs, and rotten ones.

ANTONIO. Or, as 'twere perfum'd by a fen.

GONZALO. Here is everything advantageous to life.

1823

ANTONIO. True; save means to live.

SEBASTIAN. Of that there's none, or little.

GONZALO. How lush and lusty the grass looks! how green!

ANTONIO. The ground indeed is tawny.

SEBASTIAN. With an eye of green in't.

ANTONIO. He misses not much.

SEBASTIAN. No; he doth but mistake the truth totally.

GONZALO. But the rarity of it is, which is indeed almost

beyond creditSEBASTIAN.

As many vouch'd rarities are.

GONZALO. That our garments, being, as they were, drench'd in the sea, hold, notwithstanding, their

freshness and

glosses, being rather new-dy'd, than stain'd with salt

water.

ANTONIO. If but one of his pockets could speak, would it

not say he lies?

SEBASTIAN. Ay, or very falsely pocket up his report.

GONZALO. Methinks our garments are now as fresh as when

we put them on first in Afric, at the marriage of the

King's fair daughter Claribel to the King of Tunis.

SEBASTIAN. 'Twas a sweet marriage, and we prosper well in our return.

ADRIAN. Tunis was never grac'd before with such a paragon to their queen.

GONZALO. Not since widow Dido's time.

ANTONIO. Widow! a pox o' that! How came that 'widow'

in? Widow Dido!

SEBASTIAN. What if he had said 'widower Aeneas' too?

Good Lord, how you take it!

ADRIAN. 'Widow Dido' said you? You make me study of

that. She was of Carthage, not of Tunis.

GONZALO. This Tunis, sir, was Carthage.

ADRIAN. Carthage?

GONZALO. I assure you, Carthage.

ANTONIO. His word is more than the miraculous harp.

SEBASTIAN. He hath rais'd the wall, and houses too.

ANTONIO. What impossible matter will he make easy next?

SEBASTIAN. I think he will carry this island home in his

pocket, and give it his son for an apple.

ANTONIO. And, sowing the kernels of it in the sea, bring

forth more islands.

GONZALO. Ay.

ANTONIO. Why, in good time.

GONZALO. Sir, we were talking that our garments seem now

as fresh as when we were at Tunis at the marriage of

your daughter, who is now Queen.

ANTONIO. And the rarest that e'er came there.

SEBASTIAN. Bate, I beseech you, widow Dido.

ANTONIO. O, widow Dido! Ay, widow Dido.

GONZALO. Is not, sir, my doublet as fresh as the first day I wore it? I mean, in a sort.

ANTONIO. That 'sort' was well fish'd for.

GONZALO. When I wore it at your daughter's marriage?

ALONSO. You cram these words into mine ears against

The stomach of my sense. Would I had never

1824

Married my daughter there; for, coming thence,

My son is lost; and, in my rate, she too,

Who is so far from Italy removed

I ne'er again shall see her. O thou mine heir

Of Naples and of Milan, what strange fish

Hath made his meal on thee?

FRANCISCO. Sir, he may live;

I saw him beat the surges under him,

And ride upon their backs; he trod the water,

Whose enmity he flung aside, and breasted

The surge most swoln that met him; his bold head

'Bove the contentious waves he kept, and oared

Himself with his good arms in lusty stroke

To th' shore, that o'er his wave-worn basis bowed,

As stooping to relieve him. I not doubt

He came alive to land.

ALONSO. No, no, he's gone.

SEBASTIAN. Sir, you may thank yourself for this great loss, That would not bless our Europe with your

daughter,

But rather lose her to an African;

Where she, at least, is banish'd from your eye,

Who hath cause to wet the grief on't.

ALONSO. Prithee, peace.

SEBASTIAN. You were kneel'd to, and importun'd otherwise

By all of us; and the fair soul herself

Weigh'd between loathness and obedience at

Which end o' th' beam should bow. We have lost your son, I fear, for ever. Milan and Naples have

Moe widows in them of this business' making,

Than we bring men to comfort them;

The fault's your own.

ALONSO. So is the dear'st o' th' loss.

GONZALO. My lord Sebastian,

The truth you speak doth lack some gentleness,

And time to speak it in; you rub the sore,

When you should bring the plaster.

SEBASTIAN. Very well.

ANTONIO. And most chirurgeonly.

GONZALO. It is foul weather in us all, good sir,

When you are cloudy.

SEBASTIAN. Foul weather?

ANTONIO. Very foul.

GONZALO. Had I plantation of this isle, my lordANTONIO.

He'd sow 't with nettle-seed.

SEBASTIAN. Or docks, or mallows.

GONZALO. And were the king on't, what would I do?

SEBASTIAN. Scape being drunk for want of wine.

GONZALO. I' th' commonwealth I would by contraries

Execute all things; for no kind of traffic

Would I admit; no name of magistrate;

Letters should not be known; riches, poverty,

And use of service, none; contract, succession,

Bourn, bound of land, tilth, vineyard, none;

1825

No use of metal, corn, or wine, or oil;

No occupation; all men idle, all;

And women too, but innocent and pure;

No sovereigntySEBASTIAN.

Yet he would be king on't.

ANTONIO. The latter end of his commonwealth forgets the

beginning.

GONZALO. All things in common nature should produce

Without sweat or endeavour. Treason, felony,

Sword, pike, knife, gun, or need of any engine,

Would I not have; but nature should bring forth,

Of it own kind, all foison, all abundance,

To feed my innocent people.

SEBASTIAN. No marrying 'mong his subjects?

ANTONIO. None, man; all idle; whores and knaves.

GONZALO. I would with such perfection govern, sir,

T' excel the golden age.

SEBASTIAN. Save his Majesty!

ANTONIO. Long live Gonzalo!

GONZALO. And-do you mark me, sir?

ALONSO. Prithee, no more; thou dost talk nothing to me.

GONZALO. I do well believe your Highness; and did it to

minister occasion to these gentlemen, who are of such

sensible and nimble lungs that they always use to laugh at nothing.

ANTONIO. 'Twas you we laugh'd at.

GONZALO. Who in this kind of merry fooling am nothing to

you; so you may continue, and laugh at nothing still.

ANTONIO. What a blow was there given!

SEBASTIAN. An it had not fall'n flat-long.

GONZALO. You are gentlemen of brave mettle; you would

lift the moon out of her sphere, if she would continue

in it five weeks without changing.

Enter ARIEL, invisible, playing solemn music

SEBASTIAN. We would so, and then go a-bat-fowling.

ANTONIO. Nay, good my lord, be not angry.

GONZALO. No, I warrant you; I will not adventure my

discretion so weakly. Will you laugh me asleep, for I am very heavy?

ANTONIO. Go sleep, and hear us.

[All sleep but ALONSO, SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO] ALONSO. What, all so soon asleep! I wish mine

eyes

Would, with themselves, shut up my thoughts; I find

They are inclin'd to do so.

SEBASTIAN. Please you, sir,

Do not omit the heavy offer of it:

It seldom visits sorrow; when it doth,

It is a comforter.

ANTONIO. We two, my lord,

Will guard your person while you take your rest,

And watch your safety.

1826

ALONSO. Thank you-wondrous heavy!

[ALONSO sleeps. Exit ARIEL] SEBASTIAN. What a strange drowsiness possesses them!

ANTONIO. It is the quality o' th' climate.

SEBASTIAN. Why

Doth it not then our eyelids sink? I find not

Myself dispos'd to sleep.

ANTONIO. Nor I; my spirits are nimble.

They fell together all, as by consent;

They dropp'd, as by a thunder-stroke. What might,

Worthy Sebastian? O, what might! No more!

And yet methinks I see it in thy face,

What thou shouldst be; th' occasion speaks thee; and

My strong imagination sees a crown

Dropping upon thy head.

SEBASTIAN. What, art thou waking?

ANTONIO. Do you not hear me speak?

SEBASTIAN. I do; and surely

It is a sleepy language, and thou speak'st

Out of thy sleep. What is it thou didst say?

This is a strange repose, to be asleep

With eyes wide open; standing, speaking, moving,

And yet so fast asleep.

ANTONIO. Noble Sebastian,

Thou let'st thy fortune sleep-die rather; wink'st

Whiles thou art waking.

SEBASTIAN. Thou dost snore distinctly;

There's meaning in thy snores.

ANTONIO. I am more serious than my custom; you

Must be so too, if heed me; which to do

Trebles thee o'er.

SEBASTIAN. Well, I am standing water.

ANTONIO. I'll teach you how to flow.

SEBASTIAN. Do so: to ebb,

Hereditary sloth instructs me.

ANTONIO. O,

If you but knew how you the purpose cherish,

Whiles thus you mock it! how, in stripping it,

You more invest it! Ebbing men indeed,

Most often, do so near the bottom run

By their own fear or sloth.

SEBASTIAN. Prithee say on.

The setting of thine eye and cheek proclaim

A matter from thee; and a birth, indeed,

Which throes thee much to yield.

ANTONIO. Thus, sir:

Although this lord of weak remembrance, this

Who shall be of as little memory

When he is earth'd, hath here almost persuadedFor

he's a spirit of persuasion, only

Professes to persuade-the King his son's alive,

'Tis as impossible that he's undrown'd

1827

As he that sleeps here swims.

SEBASTIAN. I have no hope

That he's undrown'd.

ANTONIO. O, out of that 'no hope'

What great hope have you! No hope that way is

Another way so high a hope, that even

Ambition cannot pierce a wink beyond,

But doubt discovery there. Will you grant with me

That Ferdinand is drown'd?

SEBASTIAN. He's gone.

ANTONIO. Then tell me,

Who's the next heir of Naples?

SEBASTIAN. Claribel.

ANTONIO. She that is Queen of Tunis; she that dwells

Ten leagues beyond man's life; she that from Naples

Can have no note, unless the sun were post,

The Man i' th' Moon's too slow, till newborn chins

Be rough and razorable; she that from whom

We all were sea-swallow'd, though some cast again,

And by that destiny, to perform an act

Whereof what's past is prologue, what to come

In yours and my discharge.

SEBASTIAN. What stuff is this! How say you?

'Tis true, my brother's daughter's Queen of Tunis;

So is she heir of Naples; 'twixt which regions

There is some space.

ANTONIO. A space whose ev'ry cubit

Seems to cry out 'How shall that Claribel

Measure us back to Naples? Keep in Tunis,

And let Sebastian wake.' Say this were death

That now hath seiz'd them; why, they were no worse

Than now they are. There be that can rule Naples

As well as he that sleeps; lords that can prate

As amply and unnecessarily

As this Gonzalo; I myself could make

A chough of as deep chat. O, that you bore

The mind that I do! What a sleep were this

For your advancement! Do you understand me?

SEBASTIAN. Methinks I do.

ANTONIO. And how does your content

Tender your own good fortune?

SEBASTIAN. I remember

You did supplant your brother Prospero.

ANTONIO. True.

And look how well my garments sit upon me,

Much feater than before. My brother's servants

Were then my fellows; now they are my men.

SEBASTIAN. But, for your conscienceANTONIO.

Ay, sir; where lies that? If 'twere a kibe,

'Twould put me to my slipper; but I feel not

This deity in my bosom; twenty consciences

That stand 'twixt me and Milan, candied be they

1828

And melt, ere they molest! Here lies your brother,

No better than the earth he lies upon,

If he were that which now he's like-that's dead;

Whom I with this obedient steel, three inches of it,

Can lay to bed for ever; whiles you, doing thus,

To the perpetual wink for aye might put

This ancient morsel, this Sir Prudence, who

Should not upbraid our course. For all the rest,

They'll take suggestion as a cat laps milk;

They'll tell the clock to any business that

We say befits the hour.

SEBASTIAN. Thy case, dear friend,

Shall be my precedent; as thou got'st Milan,

I'll come by Naples. Draw thy sword. One stroke

Shall free thee from the tribute which thou payest;

And I the King shall love thee.

ANTONIO. Draw together;

And when I rear my hand, do you the like,

To fall it on Gonzalo.

SEBASTIAN. O, but one word. [They talk apart]

Re-enter ARIEL, invisible, with music and song

ARIEL. My master through his art foresees the danger

That you, his friend, are in; and sends me forthFor

else his project dies-to keep them living.

[Sings in GONZALO'S ear] While you here do snoring lie,

Open-ey'd conspiracy

His time doth take.

If of life you keep a care,

Shake off slumber, and beware.

Awake, awake!

ANTONIO. Then let us both be sudden.

GONZALO. Now, good angels

Preserve the King! [They wake] ALONSO. Why, how now?-Ho, awake!-Why are you drawn?

Wherefore this ghastly looking?

GONZALO. What's the matter?

SEBASTIAN. Whiles we stood here securing your repose,

Even now, we heard a hollow burst of bellowing

Like bulls, or rather lions; did't not wake you?

It struck mine ear most terribly.

ALONSO. I heard nothing.

ANTONIO. O, 'twas a din to fright a monster's ear,

To make an earthquake! Sure it was the roar

Of a whole herd of lions.

ALONSO. Heard you this, Gonzalo?

GONZALO. Upon mine honour, sir, I heard a humming,

And that a strange one too, which did awake me;

I shak'd you, sir, and cried; as mine eyes open'd,

I saw their weapons drawn-there was a noise,

1829

That's verily. 'Tis best we stand upon our guard,

Or that we quit this place. Let's draw our weapons.

ALONSO. Lead off this ground; and let's make further

search

For my poor son.

GONZALO. Heavens keep him from these beasts!

For he is, sure, i' th' island.

ALONSO. Lead away.

ARIEL. Prospero my lord shall know what I have done;

So, King, go safely on to seek thy son. Exeunt

SCENE 2


	19. Chapter 19 伊曼努爾 · 康得

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div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.4337042800616473"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"先驗地包含一個流形在純淨的直覺。現在一次超越/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.2050131622236222"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"時間的確定到目前為止是均勻的類別，其中/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.15649999026209116"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"構成的統一，它是普遍的並取決於規則/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.9200050991494209"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"先驗。另一方面，它是到目前為止均勻的現象，/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.9138661248143762"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"因為中所載的時間是每天的經驗表述/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7110177967697382"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"流形。因此應用程式類別的現象變得/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.4927623914554715"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"可能，利用先驗的時間，作為/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8047823419328779"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"該架構的概念的理解，介導/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.5654748408123851"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"後者在前者假定實施。/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7176456744782627"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"我們演繹類別，沒有人證明後什麼/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.6041509083006531"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"它是希望，能猶豫關於的問題，正確的決定/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.6026354206260294"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"是否理解這些純概念的就業/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.1924419105052948"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"應該只是實證或也超越/span/font;font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"換句話說，無論/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.5511079607531428"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"類別作為條件的可能的經驗，涉及先驗只/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8132649024482816"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"現象，還是會在事情的可能性的條件/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.23079734854400158"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"一般，他們的應用程式可以擴展到物件作為自己的事情。/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.43044165545143187"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"我們已經那裡見過概念也是相當不可能的和/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.646395988529548"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"完全沒有意義，除非給他們，或者，至少是到元素/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7224430975038558"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"他們所組成的得到了一個物件/span/font;font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"而且，因此，/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8211006452329457"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"他們不可能適用于物件作為本身沒有方面的事/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.3495188490487635"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"問題是否以及如何這些可能會給我們/span/font;font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"和，/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.9305926144588739"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"進一步，在其中的物件可以給我們的唯一方式是通過/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.15635026758536696"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"我們的情感/span/font; font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"改性的手段以及最後，純粹先驗/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8453258881345391"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"除了在類別，理解功能的構想/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.44017666717991233"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"必須包含敏感性 （內部的先驗形式要件/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.9644233412109315"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"感覺，即），其中又包含一般情況下，/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.16337390849366784"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"單獨的類別可以應用於任何物件。這正式和純/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.024957702262327075"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"情感，理解的概念是條件/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.9634598146658391"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"限制在它的就業，我們要起個名字概念的架構/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.4392957244999707"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"理解和與這些理解的程式/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.060310369823127985"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"圖式我們稱呼純理解的圖式。/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.24339550081640482"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"架構，本身是，總是想像一個純粹的產品。但是，/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.39300872664898634"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"所合成的想像力為其目標沒有單一的直覺，但/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.39566311379894614"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"只是敏感性的合一測定，該架構是敏感性的清晰可辨/span/font/span/div  
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div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.5724691632203758"...font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"這是一幅五號。另一方面，如果我只想/span/font/span/div  
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div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.10965897585265338"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"純粹理性批判/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.644130734493956"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"削皮的概念。現在這種表示方法的一般程式/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.5141568686813116"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"呈現到一個構想及其形象的想像，我叫/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.012148676672950387"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"這一概念架構。/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.05138773820362985"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"說實話，它不是圖像的物件，但圖式，躺在基金會/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.26862947922199965"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"我們純淨的感性構想。沒有圖像可能永遠充足/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.181268650572747"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"我們在一般三角形的概念。為的通用性/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.33787034125998616"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"概念它永遠不能達到，這包括根據本身所有/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.1351846184115857"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"三角形，是否直角，急性棱形等，雖然圖像會/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8422527702059597"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"總是被限制到這一領域的單個部分。三角形的架構/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7686379188671708"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"可以存在比別的地方的思想，和它指示合成規則/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.9320450571831316"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"有關純網際空間的想像。更不是/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.5170109996106476"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"物件的經驗或圖像的物件，曾經到實證的構想。/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7332687696907669"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"與此相反，概念總是涉及到立即/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7423533301334828"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"架構中的想像，作為一項規則的測定我們/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.6930658069904894"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"直覺，根據某些一般的概念。概念/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.07766143907792866"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"一隻狗的指示一項規則，即我的想像力可以/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.26194407511502504"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"一般情況下，不被限制的情況下劃定四足動物的圖/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7945574966724962"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"對任何特定的個別形式的經驗介紹給我，或/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.118268326157704"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"事實上對任何可能的圖像，可以對自己具體。/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.47043324378319085"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"現象我們理解這個圖式和他們/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.01000238535925746"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"單純的形式，是靈魂的一門藝術，人類，其真正的深藏不露/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.6223523444496095"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"我們應僅是有困難的行動模式發現和公佈。因此/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.127951294882223"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"多隻能我們說/span/font:"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"形象是產品的經驗性能力/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7271468532271683"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"生產性的想像力 — — 的感官 （的數位概念架構/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8819994619116187"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"在空間，例如） 是一種產品，和一樣的會標/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.8405458277557045"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"單純的想像先驗性的藉以和根據的圖像/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.0508997249417007"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"第一次成為可能，不過，可以連接的概念/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.3001029905863106"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"只有立即安所意味著的架構，它們表明，/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.6045340683776885"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"在自己從來沒有充分適合於它/span/font"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"。另一方面，架構/span/font/span/div  
div style="color: #555555; font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"span id="noHighlight_0.7977855780627578"font face="Nimbus Mono L, monospace"span lang="zh-CN"純/span/font/span/div 


	20. Chapter 20 WEED PARK BOYS BAD EXPRESS

Hollywood had it coming

Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!"

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

Mother mother fuck,

Mother mother fuck fuck,

Mother fuck mother fuck,

Noise, noise, noise.

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,

Noise, noise, noise.

Smoking weed, smoking whizz,

Doing coke, drinking beers,

Drinking beers, beers, beers,

Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts.

Who smokes the blunts?

We smoke the blunts!

Rolling blunts and smoke the b...

15 bucks, little man,

Put that shit in my hand

If that money doesn't show

Then you owe me, owe me, owe

Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

What the fuck is The Internet?

What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

(While humping Silent Bob) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!

(On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to do. No one rules C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Silent Bob: The sign on the back of the car said "Critters of Hollywood"! You dumb fuck!

[MEANWHILE BACK AT THE OFFICE]

Ryan: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp". It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a midrange paper supply firm". [pause] That'll show 'em.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. [shrugs] There'd be no way of knowing.

Michael: You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

Dwight: [crying] The Sebring is cool! The Sebring is so cool! Please don't fire me Michael, I'll do anything!

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?

Dwight: ...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.

Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.

Dwight: Yeah...

Michael: What's his name?

Dwight: ...Crentist.

Michael: Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Dwight: Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Michael: I lost Ed Truck... and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.

Dwight: When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.

Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam: What time is it there?

Jim: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.

Pam: Uh, oh, yeah, right.

Jim: How far away did you think we were?

Pam: I don't know. It felt far.

Jim: ...Yeah.

Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?

Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.

Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!

Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Jim: I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.

Dwight: [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO!

Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. They're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

Andy: I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.

Dwight: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.

Dwight: So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy: On the contrary.

Dwight: My title has "manager" in it.

Andy: And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!

Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?

Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.

Dwight: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Michael: I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!

Angela: Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?

Prison Mike: Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!

Jim: Where did you learn all of this?

Prison Mike: Internet.

Jim: So, not prison.

Prison Mike: And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Jim: What did you do, Prison Mike?

Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.

Jim: That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.

Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!

Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.

[Back in Canada]

Julian: Put your gun down! (to Ricky) It's us! It's us! It's us! (points his gun towards Cory and Trevor) Stop shooting, you dicks!

Ricky: Julian, what the fuck's going on here?! I just came her for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory: Sorry dude, man, we didn't know.

Ricky: (to Julian) You're stupid, (to Cory and Trevor) you're stupid, (to Bubbles) you're a fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

Ricky: You could've killed me back there! What the fuck?!

Julian: Ricky, shut up! (points to the survaillance camera) Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, for fucksakes! (shoots down the camera)

Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!

Cory: Out of the way, dudes.

Trevor: Aw, shit. (picks up a bag of chips)

Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.

Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!

(Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck)

Bubbles: Come on, move!

Julian: Come on, boys!

Ricky: What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!

Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.

Ricky: Fuck off, boys.

Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!

Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!

Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!

Julian: Leave the cart!

(Ricky throws the cart away)

Bubbles: Come on!

Ricky: Get in the fucking truck! GET IN!

Bubbles: Jesus Christ!

Julian: Come on!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb!

Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?

Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down Julian!

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: I'm pissed off! (points to Bubbles) I'm pissed off at you, (points to Cory and Trevor) and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!

Julian: Ricky.

Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.

Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!

Julian: Ricky! Would you-

Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!

Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!

Bubbles: Can everyone just please stop it.

Julian: Oh, look what- you're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!

Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Levi: You're all dressed up today.

Bubbles: Yeah. Got my tuxedo on. Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.

Levi: Yeah.

Bubbles: Tricked ya!

[Levi laughs]

Bubbles: It's not even real! 150 bucks for one of those real fuckers.

[while getting arrested at his wedding]

Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes. I can't believe this shit. Julian, look at this shit! My wedding's all fucked up! Frig off! This is bullshit! Julian, what the fuck's goin' on here? This isn't my fault. There's a lot more people here that are guiltier then I am, Trevor and Cory!

[while being taken away by the police]

Ricky: There's some illegal procedures going on here! I want this fucking camera crew arrested! I want you arrested for this. I want that sound man arrested. I want everyone arrested! Lahey, you're fucking going down for this, you jackass!

[brief pause]

Ricky: I'm pissed off over here!

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Ricky and Julian in jail]

Ricky: For the first couple weeks that I came back to jail, I was still pissed off because, you know, they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us, and I was pissed off about the whole courtroom scene, and I shouldn't of defended myself, I know that now.

[Elsewhere]

Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman's house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...

Ron: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Ann: So are you happy to be back at work?

Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally can't buy [bleep].

Chris: Stop...POOPING.

Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was... that was Leslie Knope.

Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have... network connectivity problems.

Leslie: [flu ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't have faith in Ben. Also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.

Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! [exasperated] My body is a microchip...

Leslie: [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.

Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado."

Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."

Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I'll tell you that much.

Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm do okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.

Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.

Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!

[Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two again.]

Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.

Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.

Ron: So did I.

[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]

Eric: What the...?

Red: You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.

Eric: Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.

Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.

[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]

Kelso: I don't wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.

Laurie: Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?

Kelso: Uh...sure! [Realizes what he's doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I'm serious. We're over.

Laurie: Wow. I think you really mean it.

Kelso: I totally do.

Laurie: [sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you're free! You know what I'd like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.

Kelso: Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]

Jackie: Michael!

Kelso: [lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...

Laurie: Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]

Eric: [after hearing Kelso's song] Well...I think that you should draw her a picture.

Kelso: Hey pal, you think you're funny? Well someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart, too!

Eric: Yeah...see, I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening. For instance, I don't sleep with other women.

Kelso: Yeah, well it's only because you're chicken!

[Kelso continues to write his song and practice the chords]

Kelso: "I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me. Downright coerced me." [pauses] That's kinda good. [writes lyrics]

Eric Forman: Man, I just asked her (Donna) for a root beer.

Fez: You tried to control her Eric, and the women always controls the men.

Kelso: That's true.

Eric: Donna does not control me!

Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.

Kelso: I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash. [pauses, and strums guitar again] "Put the SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!"

Eric: Kelso, uh, let me see that for a second. [picks up guitar and smashes it on table]

Kelso: [laughs] You know that was kind of funny, that was your guitar. [pauses] BURN!

Kelso: So, did you kiss her? 'Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her.

Fez: No, I didn't want to kiss her. I wanted to hand her a napkin... There was not a moment when she didn't have a face full of food. I was disgusted.

Eric: Okay, Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.

Laurie: What are you talking about, loser?

Eric: The camp story. Doctor Pee Pee. You're dead.

Fez: [whispering to Hyde] what's going on?

Hyde: Shh. Pretend it's TV.

Eric: Well, I know some stuff about you, little lady. Fellas, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes, and shoulder blades.

Laurie: In the fifth grade, Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kit 'cause a girl kicked sand in his face.

Eric: You stuffed in high school.

Laurie: So did you.

Eric: Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager; which isn't fooling anyone, by the way.

Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as the time I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all—

Eric: Laurie was born with a tail!

[Fez gasps.]

Hyde: What?

Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!

Laurie: I HATE YOU! [runs upstairs]

Eric: It's true. [puts hands together and makes a tail]

Pastor Dave: Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.

Kitty: See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.

Dave: Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.

Hyde: No man, it's Eric Clapton.

Eric: Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.

Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.

[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]

Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... [frightened] Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

[Red scolds Eric on picking up boxes]

Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm gonna-

Eric: [as he logs the boxes in a clipboard] -kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah yeah yeah...

[Kelso leaves with Laurie]

Hyde: No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]

Red: What you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?

Kelso: Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -

Red: Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.

Kelso: Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -

Red: No no, see...that's not gonna work either.

Kelso: This is hard, Red!

Red: Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!

Kelso: Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.

Red: [threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]

[After Jackie mauls Laurie]

Donna: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.

Eric: Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.

Jackie: Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?

Hyde: Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.

Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]

Hyde: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!

Eric: Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.

Kelso: [whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.

Jackie: God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.

Eric: Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]

[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]

Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!

Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?

Nancy: [scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!

Andy: Pretty steady.

Nancy: That's what I'm talking about.

Andy: Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?

Nancy: No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.

Andy: [after Nancy tells him to cater a party] I don't remember volunteering my services. Maybe I have plans tomorrow. Maybe I have a play date. [Nancy grabs him]

Nancy: You live here for free.

Andy: Yes.

Nancy: You eat my food. You wipe your ass with my toilet paper. I don't have to ask you shit.

Shane: Can you convince Mom that I'm better off sitting home all summer than stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots proselytizing a form of fundamentalism that's two clicks away from jihad?

Shane: Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Tara: Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.

Shane: So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?

Tara: Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.

Shane: Oh, what about-

Silas: Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the fuck up.

Nancy: Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord! Where the fuck's Andy?

Nancy: Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen. There's a reason for that?

Doug: Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.

Nancy: Oh, that's nice. [picks up an envelope on the counter]

Doug: Oh, that's from the tall one. Leif Garretty, "Blue Lagoon"-ish?

Nancy: Silas?

Doug: Yeah. Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde. Tiny tits, big cross?

Nancy: Tara.

Doug: And your other one. Big vocab, creepy eyes?

Nancy: Shane.

Doug: He's outside with what's-her-name. Celia's dyke.

Nancy: Isabelle.

Celia: Did you know that we're poor? We're really poor.

Isabelle: Maybe we should cut down on our liquor purchases.

Celia: Oh, no. All the poor drink. Yeah, I saw the poor this morning. They all had bottles in paper bags. That's what I need... A paper bag.

Dean: Wonderful idea. You could put your bottle in it and then vomit in it when you're done.

Celia: I don't vomit from drinking. I vomit when I think about my life.

[Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]

Conrad: Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?

Eve Meriweather: Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]

Conrad: Someone stole your cross?

Eve Meriweather: Yes.

Conrad: That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?

Eve Meriweather: Jews.

Conrad: Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.

Eve Meriweather: Well, they're mostly urban.

[Vaneeta, who carries her baby, approaches Celia's rented drug grow house and stumbles into Eve Meriweather]

Eve Meriweather: Well, look at him. Hello, baby. Uh...why are little black babies always so adorable?

Vaneeta: Why are white babies always so ugly?

[Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]

Eve Meriweather: [with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...

Conrad Shepard: Sure. Church. Praise the lord.

Vaneeta: Hallelujah.

[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]

Isabelle Hodes: She's got a great ass, your mom.

Shane Botwin: Don't be gross.

Fireman: [upon entering Conrad's grow-house] Holy shit! I think they shot "Peckers of the Caribbean" here!

[at the evacuation center]

Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]

Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.

Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?

Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?

Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?

Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.

Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

Guillermo: [talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]

Nancy Botwin: [whispering to his ear] You're facing west.

Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.

Nancy Botwin: Hand off the ass.

[at the evacuation center]

Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

News anchor: Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?

Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.

Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

[after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]

Celia Hodes: Nancy Botwin.

Hank: So be on notice. We got new players in town. We don't know who they are, where they come from, but they possess an extremely high skill-set. Me personally? I'm thinking Albuquerque just might have a new kingpin.

Walter: I have cancer. Lung cancer. It's bad.

[Walter sees Jesse sneak into his backyard]

Walter: You can't be serious. What the hell are you doing here?

Jesse: Yo, I waited 'til the ball buster left. I mean, no offense.

Walter: Who sent you? You wearing a wire? You setting me up?

Jesse: A wire? You want a wire? I got a wire. [grabs crotch] Speak into the mic, bitch! What the hell's wrong with you? A wire.

Walter: So who did you tell about–

Jesse: Nobody! What are you, nuts?

Walter: Then why are you here?

Jesse: I don't know. To like...touch base.

Walter: Touch base?

Jesse: Yeah, you know...what you call...a debrief? Maybe we could like...I thought we could debrief.

Walter: Wow, that's...that's what you think we need, to debrief?

Jesse: Yeah, after what happened, it just seems like the thing to do. Kind of, you know, talk about it. We can't talk to anybody else. Anyway, that and I wanted to...I wanted to tell you how much everybody digs that meth we cooked.

Walter: Everybody digs...the meth we cooked.

Jesse: Seriously, I got dudes that would give their left nut for a little more.

Walter: Great.

Jesse: I'm just saying, if you ever...saw your way clear to...you know, you and I...cooking a little more.

Walter: Get the hell off my property.

Jesse: What? I'm just saying.

Walter: Go and don't come back. Now!

Jesse: Alright. You know what? [Jesse takes out a wad of cash] Four grand. Your share from selling that batch. That's why I'm here. Yeah, that's right. I didn't smoke it all. [Jesse tosses the money into Walter's pool and leaves]

Jesse: Right on, little bro! Making mad in-roads with the business community.

Skyler: Can I call them and tell them you'll start next week?

Walter: I just think that we need to...discuss it a little more, that's all.

Skyler: What is there to discuss? You're going to get the best treatment and he's the best.

Walter: Well, there's the money discussion. $90,000 out of pocket. Maybe more.

Skyler: There's a way, Walt. There's financing, there's installment plans. I could always go back to work. Walt, there's always a way.

Walter: Alright. Skyler, say that there is a way, and we spend all that money, and...am I supposed to leave you with all that debt? I just don't want emotions ruling us. Maybe treatment isn't the way to go.

Walter Jr.: Then why don't you just fucking die already? Just give up and die.

Jesse: Yo, why would you want this lame-ass job anyway? I mean, no offense.

Badger: Because I'm on probation, yo. Gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated. [smokes a joint]

Walter: Well, back when Elliott and I were in grad school, we came up with the name. Schwartz: black. Walter White. So together, they became Gray Matter Technologies.

Farley: Cute, huh?

Man: So you run the company with Elliott?

Walter: Well, no. No, that's Gretchen and Elliott. I gravitated toward education.

Man: What university?

[Walter clears his throat and takes a drink]

Walter: Alright, I've got the Talking Pillow now. Okay? We all, in this room, love each other. We want what's best for each other and I know that. I am very thankful for that. But...what I want...what I want, what I need, is a choice.

Skyler: What does that...mean?

Walter: Sometimes I feel like I never actually make any of my own. Choices, I mean. My entire life, it just seems I never...you know, had a real say about any of it. Now this last one, cancer...all I have left is how I choose to approach this.

Skyler: Then make the right choice, Walt. You're not the only one it affects. What about your son? Don't you wanna see your daughter grow up? I just...

Walter: Of course I do. Skyler, you've read the statistics. These doctors...talking about surviving. One year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it, to just survive if I am too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love? For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house. I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't wanna choke down 30 or 40 pills every single day, lose my hair, and lie around too tired to get up...and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. And you cleaning up after me? Me...some dead man, some artificially alive...just marking time? No. No. And that's how you would remember me. That's the worst part. So...that is my thought process, Skyler. I'm sorry. I just...I choose not to do it.

Jesse: Yo.

Walter: Wanna cook?

Walter: Let's get something straight. This – the chemistry – is my realm. I am in charge of the cooking. Out there on the street, you deal with that. As far as our customers go, I don't want to know anything about them. I don't need to see them. I don't want to hear from them. I want no interaction with them whatsoever. This operation is you and me, and I'm the silent partner. You got any issues with that?

Jesse: Whatever, man.

Walter: No matter what happens, no more bloodshed. No violence.

[cut to a brief flash forward of Walter, with a shaved head and bloody nose, walking away from a chaotic scene with a smoking building in the background. He is holding a bag with blood on it]

Jesse: When were you going to tell me?

Walter: Tell you what?

Jesse: Cancer. You got it, right?

Walter: How did you know?

Jesse: [pointing to Walter's chemo mark on his chest] My aunt had one of those...dots on her to target the radiation. What is it, in your lung? I'm your partner, man. You should have told me. That's not cool, okay? Not at all. What stage are you?

Walter: 3-A.

Jesse: Gone to your lymph nodes.

Walter: Your aunt...How bad was she when they caught it?

Jesse: Bad enough. She didn't last long.

Walter: How long?

Jesse: Seven months. I get it now. That's why you're doing all this. You want to make some cash for your people before you check out.

Walter: You got a problem with that?

Jesse: You tell me. You're the one that looks like you just crawled out of a microwave.

Walter: We have to move our production bulk wholesale now. How do we do that?

Jesse: What do you mean? To, like, a distributor?

Walter: Yes. Yes, that's what we need. We need a distributor now. Do you know anyone like that?

Jesse: Yeah. I mean, I used to until you killed him.

Walter Jr.: [upon seeing Walter's shaved head] Badass, dad.

[Walter enters Tuco's office, as he examines a sample of the pound of meth Walter brought with him]

Tuco: What's your name?

Walter: Heisenberg.

Tuco: Heisenberg. Okay, have a seat, Heisenberg.

Walter: I don't imagine I'll be here very long.

Tuco: No? Alright, be that way. It's your meeting. Why don't you start talking and tell me what you want?

Walter: $50,000.

Tuco: [laughs] Oh man! Fifty G's? How you figure that?

Walter: 35 for the pound of meth you stole and another 15 for my partner's pain and suffering.

Tuco: Partner? [puts a cigarette out on his tongue] Oh yeah, I remember that little bitch! So you must be daddy. Let me get this straight...I steal your dope, hmm? I... beat the piss out of your mule boy, and then you walk in here, and you bring me more meth? [laughs] That's a brilliant plan, ese. Brilliant.

Walter: You got one part of that wrong. [reaches out and picks up the crystal Tuco had examined] This... is not meth.

[Walter throws the piece to the floor. The impact causes a tremendous explosion which knocks everyone off their feet and blows out all the windows in Tuco's office. Walter grabs the bag in the midst of the smoke.]

Tuco: Are you nuts?!

Walter: [holding the bag threateningly over his head] You want to find out?

[Tuco's men get to their feet and draw their guns]

Tuco: No-Doze, Gonzo, calma! Calma. Calma. You got balls, I'll give you that. Alright...alright. I'll give you your money. [Tuco opens his safe and hands Walter a sack filled with $50,000] That crystal your partner brought me, it sold faster than $10 ass in TJ. What you say you bring me another pound next week?

Walter: Money up front.

Tuco: Alright. Money up front. Sometimes you got to rob to keep your riches, just as long as we got an understanding.

Walter: One pound is not going to cut it. You have to take two.

Tuco: Orale. [points to Walter's bag] Hey, what is that shit?

Walter: Fulminate of mercury. A little tweak of chemistry.

Jack: You are Marshall Goren?

Marshall: Yeah.

Jack: Eight counts, kidnapping a minor. Two counts, child pornography. First-degree murder.

Marshall: Yeah, uh-huh. Hey, look: I already made my deal, and I don't need to hear this noise. All I've gotta do is testify against Wald, and I walk. [smirks]

[Jack regards Marshall for a moment, then draws his weapon and shoots him in the heart]

George: Oh, my God, Jack! What are you thinking?!

Jack: I need a helicopter and a backup team ready to leave here in fifteen minutes.

George: Are you out of your mind?

Jack: You want to find this bomb? This is what it's gonna take.

George: Killing a witness?

Jack: That's the problem with people like you, George. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I'd start rolling up your sleeves... I'm gonna need a hacksaw.

Paula Schaeffer: I didn't know how you liked intel presented impromptu. Whether you like it sorted chronologically with an alphabetical key or if you just like separate folders with access tabs...

Tony: Uhh…I don't really care.

Mason: Send somebody else. I need you here.

Tony: To do what, watch Paula die?

Jack: Did you pick this area for a reason? Or would anywhere outside the blast zone work?

Nina: My contact is in Visalia. I'm not gonna tell you who it is 'til we get there.

Jack: Fine. Then we can just sit here and wait for the blast to hit.

Nina: Stop wasting time. I'm sitting here looking at the President's signature.

Jack: I'm here. He's not. And I'm not gonna make a move until I believe you're credible.

Nina: I'll only get the pardon if I help stop the bomb. Why wouldn't I do everything I can?

Jack: Because you're worse than a traitor, Nina. You don't even have a cause. You don't believe in anything. You would sell anyone and everything out to the highest bidder. So, (Jack overturns the table between them) stop wasting my time! Give me a name!

Nina: Don't even bother, Jack. You lay a hand on me, you'll be taken off the case. You're just gonna have to follow my lead.

[Jack glares. Nina finally smiles. This sets Jack off, who then charges at Nina-pushing her against the wall, grabbing her by throat as she chokes. The CTU surveillance races towards the interrogation room]

Jack: You are gonna tell me everything I want to know, or I swear to God-I will hurt you before I kill you. And no one will stop me, do you understand that?

Nina: He is gonna put a bullet in my head before I can say 'hello' and then he's going to turn the gun on himself.

Jack: We'll make sure he doesn't turn the gun on himself.

Michelle: I just got off the phone with Ed Mueller.

George Mason: How is it going with Jack and Nina.

Michelle: He doesnt't know. Apparently, Jack drugged him and got on the plane without him.

George Mason: Please tell me you're kidding.

Michelle: (Shakes her head) What do you want me to do?

George Mason: He is on a plane to Vasailla. There is nothing anyone can do...

[Recalling Teri talking with an old woman the Sunday before her death]

Jack: The Sunday before you killed my wife... Teri and I went to the boardwalk in Venice just watching all the roller-bladers and musicians, laughing at the crazy people, spending time together. And Teri sees this sno-cone stand. She giggles like a kid. She takes off running, she wants to get in line, she wants one. I remember I was watching her, I was just... I couldn't help myself. When I look up at her she's talking to this old lady in line behind her and the two of them are laughing, and I'm thinking to myself, how the hell does she do that. How does she strike up a conversation with an absolute stranger? And they just start laughing. Like they'd been friends forever. That's a GIFT. I remember thinking, God, I wish I could do that. But I can't. That was Teri. My wife. That's what you took from this world, Nina. That's what you took from me, and my daughter. I just wanted you to know that.

[Nina stares impassively]

Jack: I just wanted you to know that.

Tony: Hey, your neck's bleeding here.

Michelle: [after feeling it] It's somebody else's blood.

Tony: Look, Michelle. Why don't you take a few minutes, get cleaned up and change. You'll feel better. [whispers] We're gonna survive this day, all right?

[Nina has taken Jack hostage and is going to kill him.]

Nina: This isn't how you thought it would end, is it, Jack?

Jack: This isn't over yet.

[on her betraying CTU]

Nina: It didn't have to be like this, Jack. I never meant for this to be personal.

Jack: It felt pretty personal when you killed my wife.

Nina: I had to. Teri overheard something that compromised my escape route.

Jack: What about bombing CTU? All those people you used to work with?

Nina: I didn't bomb CTU, I just sold the plans.

Jack: You believe what you have to, Nina, but you killed your friends.

Nina: SHUT UP, JACK! SHUT UP!

[Jack is backing away from Nina, who is threatening to kill him]

Jack: You kill me before they verify the information you gave 'em, you'll be in violation of your agreement and they'll slap your ass back in jail.

Nina: And you'll be dead.

Jack: I'm already dead.

Private Greg B. Miller : I feel like a slice o' butter melting on top of a big ol' pile of flapjacks.[pause] Yeah.

Saul: (Jumps into a dumpster)I think we should stay here.

Dale: Why?

Saul: 'Cause i am in the dumpster already.

Saul: My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.

Red: You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!

Saul: Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!

Saul: I can't see. The wipers don't work!

Dale: Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do?

Saul: (kicks his leg through the windshield) Ouch! Fuck, I think I pulled my groin!

Saul: Why are we even here? This place is so fuckin' scary!

Dale: At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!

Saul: That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".

Dale: What else?

Red: Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're, like, in a drug war, right now.

Dale: The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!

Saul: It's true.

Dale: What Asians?

Red: Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um-

Saul: Viet Cong?

Red: Yeah, little-little-just, little Asian people, like-the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.

Dale: Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?

Saul: Um, heat seeking missiles, um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.

Dale: I'm just-I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.

Saul: Thank you.

Dale: Not a compliment.

(while Dale and Saul are visiting Red)

Dale: Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. (to Saul) Just ask him.

Red: (while frosting a cake) Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here...

Dale: That's great. Just-

Red: We got a lot of time to hang out, I'm making a fucking cake.

Dale: No shit. (to Saul) Just ask him, man.

Saul: Can I have a piece of that?

Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.

Saul: (to Red) I can't have a piece of that?

Red: (is almost done frosting the cake) No, you cannot have a piece, this is private. You know what today is?

Saul: Tuesday.

Red: This is my cat's birthday today.

Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?

Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh? All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.

Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to Heaven.

Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to Heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to Hell.

Dale: Is your, uh, is your lip okay, man?

Saul: You been crying?

Red: (clearly bruised and cut) Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so uh, I started to cry. I think it's like, a lot worse than it looks, though. It's like a simple kind of...

Saul: (interrupting Red) S-so... does that mean fuckin' herpes?

Red: Yeah, y-yeah, yes it does.

Saul: Wow! Fuckin' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?!

Red: I know, I'm a disgusting person...

Saul: Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!

Red: Ya, well im gonna try to definately put some sort of medical.. ointment on it. I've been taking vicoden. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.

Dale: Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?

Red: You don't think I can handle danger?

Dale: What are you talking about?

Saul: He can!

Red: I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? Cause look at this!

(Red shows Dale his armpits and points to them along with Saul)

Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here bro! Okay?

Dale: What's the significance of that?

Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!

Dale: Aren't you angry at Ted?

Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him...

Dale: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?

Red: Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...

Red: Seriously! I know this sounds weird but can we be best friends? Just us? Forreal?

Dale: I think we should ALL be best friends!

Red: We should be! You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.

Saul: You guys are like, both of my best friends and you didn't even know it but now you know it and we'll all be best friends!

Dale: You know what we should get?! You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a 3-way one of those, man!

Saul: (while Dale is talking) 3-way! 3-way!

Red: I don't even know if they fucking MAKE those!

Dale: We should make the first ones!

Saul: 3-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!

[Dale and Saul just evaded the police]

Saul: Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.

Dale: I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here, okay?

Saul: All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First things first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]

Dale: Don't... do that, okay?

Saul: [stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not?

Dale: Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened, because we were smoking marijuana.

Saul: Naw, man. That happened 'cause those fucking kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man.

Dale: In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING, EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the fuckin' time!

Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?

Dale: Okay. Well, that would be true... if you HAD saved me, but you didn't save me, she was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of fuckin' crazy shit!

Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.

Dale: Oh, yeah. She must be proud of you for that.

Saul: She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?

Dale: You mean besides stay in my home, for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about LIFE! Giving lessons about life!

Saul: Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!

Dale: You are an asshole. That's all you are, you're an asshole.

Saul: I'm not an asshole!

Dale: You are an asshole!

Saul: No, you know what? I'm- I'm- I feel pretty- pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm, like, a totally nice guy.

Dale: I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. YOU WERE COLD, AND I CLOTHED YOU!

Saul: What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.

Dale: Well, that's easy, it's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other, I like the drugs you sell, that's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.

Put this in your pipe and smoke it.


	21. Chapter 21 DOGMANATURAL

My name is Oliver Queen. For five years, I was stranded on an island with only one goal: survive. Now I will fulfill my father's dying wish - to use the list of names he left me and bring down those who are poisoning my city. To do this, I must become someone else. I must become something else.

Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.

Metatron: Behold, the Metatron, herald of the almighty, and voice of the one true God.

I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.

[When asked why he speaks for God] Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that; human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest- we went through five Adams before we worked that one out.

Say you're the Metatron, people stare at you blankly. Mention something from a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?

Nun: So, you don't believe in God...because of Alice in Wonderland?

Loki: No, Through the Looking Glass, that poem "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god Lord Ganesha – that takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out of fear of some intangible parent figure, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says "Do it, do it and I'll fucking spank you!" The existentialists can keep their Kierkegaard and their Sartre — give me Lewis Carroll any day. That guy knows what time it is!

Nun: The way you put it... I've never thought about it like that before. What...what have I been doing with my life?

Loki: Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you take this money you're collecting for your parish, and go out and buy yourself a new dress. Fix yourself up. Find some man. Find some woman. Find anyone you can connect with, even for a moment. Because that's all that life really is, Sister — it's a series of moments. Why don't you go seize yours? Attagirl.

[The nun smiles gratefully and leaves. Loki sits next to Bartleby.]

Bartleby: Here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there's a God. You've been in His presence, He's spoken to you personally. And yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.

Loki: I just love to fuck with the clergy, man, I just love it. I love keeping those guys on their toes!

Loki: Our last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.

Bartleby: What's that?

Loki: Let's kill people.

[A woman standing next to them does a spit take]

Loki: Oh, not you.

[Metatron's fiery entrance in Bethany's room]

Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...

[Bethany sprays Metatron with a fire extinguisher; Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke in human form as Bethany rushes to her bed and grabs a baseball bat]

Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!

Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!

Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... fucking Christ...

Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now!

Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish?

[Bethany realizes the extinguisher she's holding is now a large fish, and drops it in shock]

Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit!

Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.

Metatron: Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! (Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be) See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? (Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry) Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.

Bethany: What are you?

Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.

Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.

Metatron: Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.

Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.

Bethany: What's the fine print?

Metatron: [Mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.

Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Metatron: [Annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!

[Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from Azrael's minions]

Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except...

Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?

Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.

Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.

Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?

Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!

Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around?

Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany: Excuse me?

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.

Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...

Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.

Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.

Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.

Loki: I rained down sulfur, man, there's a subtle difference.

Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Loki: [defensively] Hey, you know, fuck you, man; any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial, man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.

Jay: So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?

Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.

Bethany: Sixteen Candles John Hughes?

Jay: You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. 'Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking Breakfast Club; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking Weird Science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fuckin' fat man weep.

Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay: See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Jud Nelson, he was fucking harsh! But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinios, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.

Bethany: When are you going back to Jersey?

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. [to Bethany] Tomorrow.

Bethany: [to herself] Tomorrow...

Jay: Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?

Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.

Jay: I'll take head.

Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?

Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.

Bethany: No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.

Jay: Really?

Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.

Jay: Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

Bethany: Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.

Jay: What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?

Bethany: Do you believe in God?

Jay: Holy fuck! [to Silent Bob] All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Lets the fuck outta here- [both get up to leave]

Bethany: No, wait!

Jay: I'll scream rape.

Bethany: I can pay you.

Jay: Pay? [both him and Silent Bob sit back down]

Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersy anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked up bar! [to Bethany] What about sex?

Bethany: No sex.

Jay: All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?

Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.

Jay: Yeah? [to Silent Bob] She's the slut. Booong!

Jay: You believe this shit?!

Rufus: You know, that's a lot like the good people of Antioch were saying, right before they stoned my ass!

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!

Bethany: You knew Christ?

Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Jay: Yo, man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Ah, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [walks off]

[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

Bethany: You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus: I just think it's better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they're successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Whitland: Morning. Has anyone seen the overnights?

Board: No

Whitland: We creamed 'em. Last night was a re-run which says to me... Do I smell onion? (Loki and Bartleby are noticed seated, Loki peeling onions with a knife) 'Excuse me. May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?

Loki: You may proceed, mon ami.

Bartleby: I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.

Loki: Oh come on!

Bartleby: Relax, I'm doing this. Mooby, the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1989. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991. Broadcast nationally as the "Mooby Fun-Time Hour." Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films... and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes. Not to mention bicoastal theme parks... dubbed "Mooby World." Did I miss anything?

Whitland: You forgot Mooby Magazine.

Bartleby: Damn it!

Whitland: Is there a point to this?

Bartleby: You and your board are idolaters.

Loki: I can't believe you forgot the magazine. That's you. Do you know much about voodoo? That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of. More an arrangement of superstitions the most well-known of which is the voodoo see, a mockup of an individual is subjected to various pokes and desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.

Whitland: Call security, now! (Loki throws a the knife into the phone)

Loki: All lines are currently down.

Bartleby: I'm gonna have to apologize.

Loki:-Would you knock it off?

Bartleby: You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about? Ahem. You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the First Commandment. More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend... while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.

Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.

Bartleby: Mr. Newman. You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself three months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an Oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe because it was, survey says... less costly. You, on the other hand [addressing the only female board member] are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland. You have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. (Whispers into Whitland's ear)

Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck! - Good.-

Bartleby: Not bad, man.

Loki: That's great work.

Bartleby: Very good. (Walks out)

Loki: Well, alone at last. With the exception of Miss Pryce here there isn't a decent human being amongst you. Not one. Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power hiding behind your false idol,far from judgment lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another. But not from God. (Walks off) Oh, forgot my little voodoo doll. Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it? Look, if I believed enough in this... I wonder.[smashes doll into table. The board scream in terror before realising nothing's happened. Loki snickers] Come on. I don't believe in voodoo. Voodoo. [Loki exits the boardroom. The board members collect themselves, but then Loki re-enters with gun drawn] But I do believe in this!. [Opens fire] DON'T RUN! DON'T RUN! FAKES! FAKES, ALL OF YOU FAKES! AND YOU! IN THE BED THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHARE NO LESS!

Bartleby: [Reading Mooby magazine) I do believe in this... What does that even mean?

Loki: (All but the innocent woman are dead) Gum? Go on it's ok you've done nothing wrong, those guys were finks and your a pure soul. (Points gun at her) But you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed.

Bartleby: LOKI!

Loki: You gettin off light. (Walk off) You're so lucky.

Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See in the beginning, it was just us and Him, angels and God...and then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship, and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us — He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no — We're servants!

Loki: [alarmed] Okay... You know, all I'm saying is that maybe one of us needs a little nap...

Bartleby: Wake up! These Humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise — they threw it away. They were given this planet — they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from paradise! Where was His infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time, don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.

Loki: Wait, wait, wait...kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion, for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were alright.

Bartleby: Don't, don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me, once. Scion or not... she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul.

Loki: [horrified] My God... I've heard a rant like this before.

Bartleby: What did you say?

Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.

Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me.

Loki: You sound like the Morning Star!

Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth!

Loki: You do, you sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby — you're talking about fucking war on God! Well, fuck that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin.

[Bartleby slams Loki against a wall]

Bartleby: We're going home, Loki! And no one — not you, not even the Almighty Himself — is going to make that otherwise.

Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!

Bethany: [sarcastically joking] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! [Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?

Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family.

Bethany: His mother and father?

Rufus: His brothers and sisters.

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.

Rufus: Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!

Bethany: Meaning?

Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

[Bethany has just found out that she is the last descendant of Jesus]

Bethany: [looking skyward] WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I FUCKING HATE YOU! (now crying) I hate you.

Metatron: He can't hear you, you know.

Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?

Metatron: Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.

Bethany: I don't want this. It's too big.

Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back. He begged me to 'make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.

Bethany: Everything I am is a lie.

Metatron: No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't make you any less who you were. You are Bethany Sloane — no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.

Bethany: [chuckles mirthlessly] I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.

Metatron: [smiles] To say the least.

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Cardinal Glick: Who sent you here?

Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!

Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute.

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!

Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!

Rufus: Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?

Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made.

Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.

Bartender: Never heard of it.

Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

Serendipity: Don't...

Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No? (Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads) Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... (pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically) Get it?

Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?

Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

Azrael: Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. (referring to Bethany)

Serendipity: Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?

Azrael: I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...

Jay: [suddenly starts sniggering] Holy Bartender! I get it, that's great!

Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!

Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.

Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!

Azrael: [furious] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a false belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the hoarded imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! [calms himself] I'd rather not exist than go back to that...and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Bethany: [Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing?

Jay: I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.

Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?

Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Get "touched" by an angel.

It Can Be Hell Getting Into Heaven

Faith is a funny thing.

Prepare Thyself.

Look out Below

Oliver: What?

Felicity: Nothing. It's just - you went over there to get all Grrr. Stop being bad or I'll arrow you. And now you want to rescue him?

Oliver: I don't like the idea that somebody dangerous is out there... [Diggle and Felicity stare] Somebody else. Because typically they don't show my level of restraint.

Thea: Why do you have a gun?

Roy: Because I'm no good with knives.

Thea: I could use some advice. I'm sort of dating this guy who would definitely be described as a bad boy. I've figure as someone who's dated a gajillion of them...

Laurel: I haven't dated a gajillion. [Thea stares] All right, guilty as charged. You want my advice? Run. As fast as you possibly can.

Diggle: Oliver, you've been spending a lot of time under that hood the last couple of weeks.

Oliver: Keeps my ears warm.

Oliver: Laurel, if you wanna have a dinner, or coffee, I don't know... Call me.

Laurel: Why?

Oliver: [pauses] I don't wanna be on an island anymore

Oliver: Oh, look at these. What sort of business has a lost and found that's just filled with women's underwear?

Tommy: Best business ever? Ohh, having this much fun should be against the law.

Quentin: Oh, if wishing made it so.

Quentin: [about The Count] You could have just said he was nuts.

Shado: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Oliver: Confucius, great. I'm starting to see the family resemblance.

Shado: Laozi, actually.

The Count: You have failed this city! YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY!

The Count: Looks like I'm the last one standing... sitting... spinning... Something to do... What was I going to do? Memory not what it once was. Nothing what it once was. Is there a name on the gravestone? No, it's new, and clean, and waiting...

Felicity: I thought it would be helpful to track A.R.G.U.S' manhunt for Floyd Lawton aka Deadshot. So I decrypted their communication logs. Which means, I just hacked a federal agency. Kind of makes me a cyber-terrorist, which is bad because I really don't see myself fitting in well at Guantanamo Bay.

Oliver: Don't worry, Felicity. They don't send blondes there.

Felicity: I dye it, actually. [to Oliver] I keep your secret!

Quentin: You look after them, all right?

Tommy: I spend most nights at your daughter's anyway. [beat] There was probably a better time to tell you that.

Quentin: Probably not.

Felicity: Couldn't you be friends with someone who's less complicated than your ex-girlfriend, who's your ex-best friend's current girlfriend?

Oliver: I wear a hood and I put arrows into criminals. So when it comes to complexity... I grade on a curve.

Diggle: I'll kill you for what you did to Andy.

Deadshot: I'd be pulling these triggers right now, except there's nobody paying me. There's space for you right here, right next to your brother. You'd do best to remember that. [hits John]

Yao Fei: [to Oliver] Your time on this island is at an end.

Oliver: I'll be with you the entire time

Felicity: Thanks. It feels really good having you inside me. And by you, I mean your voice. And by me, I mean my ear. I really need to stop talking now.

Oliver: That would be my preference.

Diggle: I guess you do know where I live.

Oliver: I've always known where you live. May I? [pushes past Diggle]

Oliver: I'm sorry. You were right. I was wrong.

Diggle: About Deadshot?

Oliver: About everything. About my mother, and about her involvement in the Undertaking. She lied to me, to Thea. She's working with Malcolm Merlyn, and they're planning something, something... terrible. I don't know what yet, but... I just know one thing. I need your help to stop them.

Laurel: I only bring this up because your mom busted me yesterday, and obviously we can't hang out at my house?

Oliver: Why? Because your father threatened to tase me the last time that I closed the door to your bedroom?

Harold Backman: Call Cayman Fidelity. Tell them their favorite accountant is flying in to make a special deposit for a... special client.

Oliver: [to Laurel] This is Felicity. She's setting up my internet.

Oliver: Malcolm Merlyn... You have failed this city.

Malcolm: And how have I done that?

Oliver: The Undertaking. It ends now.

Diggle: [on earpiece] Oliver, the device... It's gone.

Oliver: Where's the device?

Malcolm: Safe. I don't know how you got that trojan onto my system, but it prompted me to take precautions. There is noting you can do to stop what is about to happen. And you shouldn't. This city needs what is about to happen in order to survive. The people who are destroying it from the inside need to be erased from the map.

Oliver: Fine. Let's start with you.

Malcolm: Ironic, isn't it? Last Christmas, I almost killed you. A few months ago, you saved my life. And now you're here to trying to kill me. You should makeup your mind.

Oliver: Done.

Felicity: Are you okay?

Oliver: My Mom and my best friend's Dad are involved in a conspiracy that may have dire consequences for the city. And I'm pretty sure they murdered my father. I'm not planning on using the word "okay" again any time soon.

Quentin: Arrows are black, not green.

Lucas Hilton: Copycat archer again.

Quentin: Psychopaths are color-coding themselves now. That's helpful.

Oliver: We have to find out what this Undertaking is.

Oliver: I got the ask her.

Felicity: Well, no. The last time the vigilante paid your Mom a visit, you got shot, and I got to play doctor with you. Ahh! My brain thinks the worst way to say things.

Oliver: This time it'll just be me asking. Friendly mother-son chat.

Laurel: What are you trying to say?

Oliver: That you you know me better than anyone, and that you are more important to me than anyone. I just I didn't wait to long to say it. [Laurel kisses him]

Laurel: You didn't wait to long. [wraps her legs around his waist] You're right on time.

Quentin: You're not exactly a hardened criminal, are you?

Felicity: No, I'm not any kind of criminal.

Quentin: What do you call computer hacking?

Felicity: A hobby. That I do not engage in.

Oliver: I spoke to Malcolm.

Moira: You what? He could have killed you. He killed your father.

Oliver: No, he didn't. After the "Gambit" went down, Dad and I both made it to the life raft. Then we drifted, for days. In the end, there wasn't enough food and water for both of us. So he shot himself in the head.

Moira: I don't want to hear this.

Oliver : He sacrificed himself so that I could live. Do you really think that I could go on living knowing that you sacrificed thousands more in my name? Mom. Please. You have to help me stop Malcolm. We need to know where the device is.

Tommy: It's over. Laurel and me, I mean. She's with Oliver, again. Always.

Malcolm: I'm sorry, son.

Tommy: Yeah, and he said you wanted to nuke The Glades or something. You know, it's funny, scotch doesn't make it any more believable. Maybe after your Jihad, we can grab some steaks.

Malcolm : Welcome, gentlemen. I've been waiting for you. I wanted to see you watch your city die.

Oliver: Where's the transmitter?

Malcolm: Somewhere I can easily get to it.

Diggle: I doubt it. You'd be too dead.

Malcolm: Don't struggle. It's over. There was never any doubt in the outcome. Don't worry. Your mother and sister will be joining you in death.

Oliver: [stabs Malcolm with arrow] Thank you for teaching me what I'm fighting for. But my father taught me how.

Sam Winchester: I swore I was done hunting for good.

Dean Winchester: Come on, it wasn't easy, but it wasn't that bad.

Sam: Yeah? When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45.

Dean: Well, what was he supposed to do?

Sam: I was nine years old. He was supposed to say, "Don't be afraid of the dark."

Dean: Don't be afraid of the dark? What, are you kidding me? Of course you should be afraid of the dark! You know what's out there!

Sam: I swear, man, you gotta update your cassette tape collection.

Dean: Why?

Sam: Well, for one, they're cassette tapes. And two: Black Sabbath, Motörhead, Metallica?! It's the greatest hits of mullet rock.

Dean: House rules, Sammy. Driver picks the music; shotgun shuts his cake hole.

Sam: You know, Sammy is a chubby twelve-year-old. It's Sam, okay?

Dean: Sorry, can't hear you. The music's too loud.

Sam: Hey, Dean. What I said earlier, about Mom and Dad, I'm sorry.

Dean: [holds up hand to stop Sam] No chick flick moments.

Sam: Alright…jerk.

Dean: Bitch.

Sheriff Pierce: So you want to give us your real name?

Dean: I told you, it's Nugent. Ted Nugent.

Sheriff Pierce: I'm not sure you realise just how much trouble you're in here.

Dean: We talking, like, misdemeanor kind of trouble? Or, uh…"squeal like a pig" kind of trouble?

Dean: You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are.

Sam: And who is that?

Dean: One of us.

Sam: We cannot let that Haley girl go out there.

Dean: Oh yeah? What are we gonna tell her? That she can't go into the woods because of a big scary monster?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Her brother's missing, Sam. She's not just gonna sit this out. Now we go with her, we protect her, and we keep our eyes peeled for our fuzzy predator-friend.

Sam: Finding Dad's not enough? [slams trunk] Now we gotta babysit, too?

Haley Collins: And you're hiking out in biker boots and jeans?

Dean: Sweetheart, I don't do shorts.

Dean: You wanna tell me what's goin' on in that freaky head of yours?

Sam: Dean…

Dean: No, you're not fine. You're like a powder keg, man; it's not like you. I'm supposed to be the belligerent one, remember?

Dean: This is why. [holds up their dad's journal] This book. This is Dad's single most valuable possession. Everything he knows about every evil thing is in here. And he's passed it on to us. I think he wants us to pick up where he left off, you know, saving people, hunting things—the family business.

Sam: That makes no sense. Why, why doesn't he just call us? Why doesn't he tell us what he wants; tell us where he is?

Dean: I dunno. But the way I see it, Dad's given us a job to do and I intend to do it.

Sam: Dean, no. I gotta find Dad. I gotta find Jessica's killer. It's the only thing I can think about.

Dean: Okay, alright, Sam; we'll find them, I promise. Listen to me. You've gotta prepare yourself. I mean, this search could take a while, and all that anger, you can't keep it burning over the long haul, it's gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man.

Sam: How do you do it? How does Dad do it?

Dean: Well, for one…them. [looks over at Hailey and her brother] I mean, I figure our family's so screwed to hell; maybe we can help some others. Makes things a little more bearable. I'll tell you what else helps: killing as many evil sons of bitches as I possibly can.

Haley: Must you cheapen the moment?

Dean: Yeah.

Andrea Barr: [looking at Dean] Must be hard with your sense of direction—never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.

Sam: "Kids are the best"? You don't even like kids.

Dean: I love kids.

Sam: Name three children that you even know.

[Dean thinks; Sam begins to walk away; Dean scratches his head]

Dean: I'm thinking!

Dean: So crayons is more your thing? That's cool. Chicks dig artists. Hey, these are pretty good. You mind if I sit and draw with you for a while? I'm not so bad myself. You know, I think you can hear me, you just don't want to talk. I don't know exactly what happened to your dad, but I know it was something real bad. I think I know how you feel. When I was your age, I saw something…anyway…well, maybe you don't think anyone will listen to you, or uh…or believe you. I want you to know that I will. You don't even have to say anything, you could draw me a picture about what you saw that day with your dad on the lake.

Lucas Barr: [continues drawing]

Dean: Okay, no problem. This is for you. [hands Lucas the picture he drew] This is my family. [points to the people he drew] That's my dad. That's my mom. That's my geek brother, and that's me. Alright, so I'm a sucky artist. I'll see you around, Lucas.

Dean: You're scared. It's okay, I understand. See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom, and I was scared, too. I didn't feel like talking, just like you . But see, my mom—I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day. And I do my best to be brave. And maybe…your dad wants you to be brave, too.

Dean: [puts a box of sandwiches in car] All right, if you're gonna be talking now, this is a very important phrase, so I want you to repeat it one more time.

Lucas: Zeppelin rules!

Dean: That's right. Up high. [raises hand for a high-5] You take care of your mom, okay?

Lucas: All right.

Andrea: [kisses Dean] Thank you.

Dean: [embarrassed] Sam, move your ass. We're gonna run out of daylight before we hit the road.

Sam: So what, all of this never keeps you up at night? [Dean shakes his head] Never. You're never afraid?

Dean: [shakes head again] No, not really. [Sam reaches under Dean's pillow, pulls out knife] That's not fear. That is precaution.

Sam: Ah, whatever. I'm too tired to argue.

Sam: Yeah, I know what an EMF metre is, but why does that one look like a busted up walkman?

Dean: [proudly] 'Cause that's what I made it out of. It's homemade.

Sam: [sarcastically] Yeah, I can see that.

[Dean looks hurt]

Sam: Alright, it's time for plan B. We're getting on that plane.

Dean: Wha…what? Hang on a second—

Sam: Dean, that plane is leaving with over a hundred passengers on board, and if we're right, that plane is gonna crash.

Dean: I know.

Sam: Well, okay. We need to get on the plane, we need to find that demon, and exorcise it. Look, I'll get the tickets and you just go get whatever you can from the trunk, whatever will get past security, and meet me back here in five minutes. [Dean looks shocked] You okay?

Dean: No, not really.

Sam: What? What's wrong?

Dean: Well, I kinda have this problem with, um…[makes the movement of plane taking off with his hands]

Sam: Flying?

Dean: It's never really been an issue until now.

Sam: You're joking, right?!

Dean: Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?

Sam: Alright, uhh…I'll go.

Dean: What?!

Sam: I'll do this one on my own.

Dean: Are you nuts? You said it yourself: that plane's gonna crash.

Sam: Look, Dean, we can do it together, I can do this one by myself. I'm not seeing a third option here.

Dean: Come on! Really? Man….

Sam: Are you humming Metallica?

Dean: Calms me down.

Sam: Look, man, I get you're nervous, alright, but you gotta stay focused.

Sam: What if she's already possessed?

Dean: There's ways to test that. I brought holy water.

Sam: No, I think we can go more subtle. If she's possessed she'll flinch at the name of God.

Dean: Uhh, nice. [stands]

Sam: Hey!

Dean: What?

Sam: Say it in Latin.

Dean: Yeah, I know. [begins to leave]

Sam: Hey!

Dean: What?!

Sam: Uhh…in Latin, it's Christo.

Dean: Dude, I know, I'm not an idiot.

Sam: Hey, night vision? [looks at Dean through digital camera's night vision]

Dean: Do I look like Paris Hilton?

Dean: Alright, you know what? That's it! [pulls car over, turns to face Sam] This is about Jessica, isn't it? [Sam says nothing] You think that's your dirty little secret? That you killed her somehow? [Sam is silent] Sam, this has got to stop, man. I mean the nightmares and…and calling her name out in the middle of the night. It's gonna kill you. Now listen to me, it wasn't your fault. If you want to blame something, then blame the thing that killed her. [still no response from Sam] Alright, why don't you take a swing at me? I'm the one who dragged you away from her in the first place.

Sam: I don't blame you.

Dean: Well, you shouldn't blame yourself, 'cause there was nothing you could've done.

Sam: I could have warned her.

Dean: About what? You didn't know it was gonna happen. Besides, all of this isn't a secret. I know all about it. It's not gonna work with Mary anyway.

Sam: No, you don't.

Dean: I don't what?

Sam: You don't know all about it. I haven't told you everything.

Dean: [looks slightly confused] What are you talking about?

Sam: Well, it wouldn't be a secret if I told you, would it?

Dean: [shocked] No…I don't like it. It's not gonna happen. Forget it.

Sam: Dean, that girl back there is going to die unless we do something about it. And you know what? Who knows how many people are going to die after that? Now, we're doing this. You've got to let me do this.

Dean: [after surveying room full of broken mirrors] Hey, Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: This has gotta be like, what, 600 years bad luck?

Sam: Charlie? [Charlie turns around] Your boyfriend's death. You really should try to forgive yourself. No matter what you did, you probably couldn't have stopped him. Sometimes bad things just happen. [Charlie acknowledges, leaves]

Dean: [taps Sam on shoulder; he turns around] That's good advice.

Dean: Hey, Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Now that this is all over, I want you to tell me what that secret was.

Sam: Look, you're my brother. And I'd die for you. But there are some things I need to keep to myself.

Dean: …then head south, Bisbee by midnight. [seeing no reaction from Sam] Sam wears women's underwear.

Dean: I hate to say it, but that's exactly what I'm talking about. You lied to your friends because if they knew the real you, they'd be freaked. It's just…it'll be easier if…

Sam: …I was like you.

Dean: Hey, man, like it or not, we're not like other people. But I'll tell you one thing. This whole gig, [takes out gun] it ain't without perks.

Shapeshifter as Dean: I am your brother. See, deep down, I'm just jealous. You got friends. You could have a life. Me? I know I'm a freak. And sooner or later, everybody's gonna leave me. [backs away]

Sam: What are you talkin' about?

Shapeshifter as Dean: You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. No explanation, nothin', just poof. Left me with your sorry ass.

Dean: That better be you, Sam, and not that freak of nature.

Sam: Yeah, it's me. He went to Becca's house…looking like you.

Dean: Well, he's not stupid; he picked the handsome one.

Dean: Sorry, man.

Sam: About what?

Dean: I really wish things could be different, you know? I wish you could just be…Joe College.

Sam: Nah, it's okay. You know, the truth is even at Stanford, deep down, I never really fit in.

Dean: Well, that's 'cause you're a freak.

Sam: Yeah, thanks.

Dean: Well, I'm a freak too. I'm right there with you…all the way.

Sam: [chuckles] Yeah, I know you are.

Lori Sorensen: Oh, God! Too Martha Stewart?

Taylor: Here! Wear this!

Lori: Um…I don't know if this is really "me."

Taylor: Lori! There's a hot chick buried in there somewhere! Damn, girl! He's not gonna know what hit him!

Lori: Okay! That's probably him! So I'm gonna go downstairs!

Taylor: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Lori: There's nothing you wouldn't do!

Taylor: It's true!

Dean: Your, uhh, half-caff double vanilla latte's getting cold over here, Francis.

Sam: Bite me.

Dean: I told him you were a dumbass pledge and that we were hazing you.

Sam: What about the shotgun?

Dean: I said that you were hunting ghosts and spirits were repelled by rock salt. You know, typical Hell Week prank.

Sam: And he believed you?

Dean: Well, you look like a dumbass pledge.

[at a frat party]

Dean: Man, you've been holding out on me: this college thing is awesome!

Sam: This wasn't really my experience.

Dean: Let me guess: libraries, studying, straight As. [Sam nods] What a geek.

[preparing to search]

Dean: Alright, take your pick.

Sam: I'll take the house.

Dean: Okay. Hey, stay out of her underwear drawer.

Dean: [digging up Karn] That's it! Next time, I get to watch the cute girl's house.

Dean: Hunting's our day job. And the pay is crap.

Sam: Yeah, but hustling pool, credit card scams…it's not the most honest thing in the world, Dean.

Dean: Well, let's see. [weighs the two] Honest…fun and easy. [pause] It's no contest. Besides, we're good at it; it's what we were raised to do.

Sam: Yeah, well, how we were raised was jacked.

Sam: Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease.

Dean: [confused] Huh?

Sam: Human Mad Cow Disease.

Dean: Mad Cow…wasn't that on Oprah?

Sam: You watch Oprah?

[Dean looks embarrassed]

Larry Pike: Let me just say. We accept home owners of any race, religion, color, or…sexual orientation.

Dean: We're brothers.

[later, another agent approaches the Winchesters]

Linda Bloome: We accept home owners of all race, religion, color, or…sexual orientation.

Dean: Right. Um, I'm going to go talk to Larry. Okay, Honey? [smacks Sam on the butt]

Sam: I respected him. But no matter what I did, it was never good enough.

Dean: So what are you saying? That Dad was disappointed in you?

Sam: Was? Is…and always has been.

Dean: Why would you think that?

Sam: Because I didn't want to bow hunt…or hunt spirits because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which in our whacked-out family made me the freak.

Dean: You know, you're kinda like that blonde chick in The Munsters.

Sam: Dean, you know what most dads are when their kids score a full ride? Proud. Most dads don't toss their kids out of the house.

Dean: I remember that fight. In fact, I seem to recall a few choice phrases comin' out of your mouth.

Sam: You know, truth is, when we finally do find Dad…I don't know if he's even gonna wanna see me.

Dean: Sam, Dad was never disappointed in you. Never. He was scared.

Sam: What are you talkin' about?

Dean: He was afraid of what could've happened to you if he wasn't around. But even when you two weren't talkin'…he used to swing by Stanford whenever he could. Keep an eye on you. Make sure you were safe.

Sam: What?

Dean: Yeah.

Sam: Why didn't you tell me any of that?

Dean: Well, it's a two-way street, dude. You could've picked up the phone.

Sam: Joe White Tree? [the man nods] We'd like to ask you a few questions, if that's all right.

Dean: We're students from the university.

Joe White Tree: No, you're not. You're lying.

Dean: [seems taken aback] Well, truth is—

Joe: You know who starts sentence with "truth is"? Liars. [Dean exchanges a look with Sam]

Sam: Have you heard of Oasis Plains? It's a housing development near the Atoka Valley.

Joe: [to Dean] I like him. He's not a liar.

Dean: [to his Dad's voicemail] Dad, I know I've left messages before. I don't even know if you get 'em. But I'm with Sam and we're in Lawrence and there's something in our old house. I don't know if it's the thing that killed Mom or not…but…[tears up] I don't know what to do. So whatever you're doing, if you could get here…please. I need your help, Dad.

Missouri Moseley: Don't worry about a thing, your wife's crazy about you. [client leaves] Whoo, poor bastard. His woman is cold-banging the gardener.

Dean: Why didn't you tell him?

Missouri: People don't come here for the truth, they come for good news.

Missouri: Sam, oh honey. I'm sorry about your girlfriend. And your father…he's missing.

Sam: How'd you know all that?

Missouri: Well, you were just thinking it, just now.

Dean: Where is he? Is he okay?

Missouri: I don't know.

Dean: Don't know? You're supposed to be a psychic, right?

Missouri: Boy, you see me sawing some bony tramp in half?! You think I'm a magician?! I may be able to read thoughts and sense energies in a room but I can't pull facts out of thin air.

Missouri: Boy, you put your foot on my table and I'm gonna whack you with a spoon!

Dean: I didn't do anything!

Missouri: You were thinking about it!

Dean: Mom?

Mary Winchester: Dean. Sam. I'm sorry.

Sam: For what?

Mary: [to poltergeist] You get out of my house. And let go of my son.

Missouri: That boy…he has such powerful abilities. But why he couldn't sense his own father, I have no idea.

John Winchester: Mary's spirit—do you really think she saved the boys?

Missouri: I do. John Winchester, I could just slap you. Why won't you go talk to your children?

John: I want to. You have no idea how much I wanna see 'em. But I can't. Not yet. Not until I know the truth!

Dean: Hey, Sam, who do you think is a hotter psychic? Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or you?

Dean: Let me know if you see any dead people, Haley Joel.

Kat: Hey, Gavin?

Gavin: Yeah?

Kat: If we make it out of here alive, we are so breaking up.

Dean: Sam, put the gun down.

Sam: [possessed by Dr. Sanford Ellicott] Is that an order?

Dean: No, just a friendly request.

Dean: Really? You really hate me that much. Well, here. [hands Sam his pistol] This'll do the job a lot better than rock salt. Go on, Sam, pull the trigger. Shoot me! DO IT!

[Sam pulls the trigger; it clicks on empty. Dean lunges at him, gets the gun away, knocks him unconscious.]

Dean: Dude, I'm not gonna give you a loaded gun.

Dean: When someone says a place is haunted, don't go in.

[Sam has woken up after Dean has burned Ellicott's bones]

Dean: You're not gonna try to kill me, are you?

Sam: No.

Dean: Good. 'Cause that would be awkward.

Sam: Dean, if this demon killed Mom and Jess, and Dad's closing in, we've gotta be there. We've gotta help.

Dean: Dad doesn't want our help!

Sam: I don't care.

Dean: He's given us an order.

Sam: [firmly] I don't care. We don't always have to do what he says.

Dean: Sam, Dad is asking us to work jobs, to save lives—it's important.

Sam: Alright, I understand, believe me, I understand. But I'm talking one week here, man, to get answers. To get revenge.

Dean: All right, look, I know how you feel.

Sam: Do you? [Dean seems shocked at Sam's tone] How old were you when Mom died? Four? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel?

Dean: Dad said it wasn't safe. For any of us. I mean, he obviously knows something that we don't, so if he says to stay away, we stay away.

Sam: I don't understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean, it's like you don't even question him.

Dean: Yeah, it's called being a good son! [Sam exits car, starts getting his stuff out of trunk] You're a selfish bastard, you know that? You just do whatever you want. Don't care what anybody thinks.

Sam: That's what you really think?

Dean: Yes, it is.

Sam: Well, then this selfish bastard is going to California.

Dean: Come on, you're not serious.

Sam: I am serious.

Dean: It's the middle of the night! Hey, I'm taking off, I will leave your ass, you hear me?

Sam: That's what I want you to do.

Dean: Goodbye, Sam.

Sam: The scarecrow crawled off its cross?

Dean: I'm telling you, Burkitsville, Indiana: Fun Town.

Dean: I hope your apple pie is freakin' worth it!

Emily: So, what's the plan?

Dean: I'm working on it.

[several hours later]

Emily: You don't have a plan, do you?

Dean: I'm working on it…

Dean: How'd you get here?

Sam: I stole a car.

Dean: That's my boy!

Dean: Should I drop you off somewhere?

Sam: No, I think you're stuck with me.

Dean: What made you change your mind?

Sam: I didn't. I still want to find Dad…and you're still a pain in the ass. But Jess and Mom…they're both gone. Dad is God-knows-where. You and me. We're all that's left. So, uh, if we're gonna see this through…we're gonna do it together.

Dean: Hold me, Sam. That was beautiful.

Sam: You should be kissing my ass; you were dead meat back there.

Dean: Yeah, right. I had a plan; I'd have gotten out.

Sam: Right.

Dean: Have you ever watched daytime t.v.? It's terrible.

Sam: [sighs] I talked to your doctor.

Dean: That fabric softener teddy bear. Oooh! I'm gonna hunt that little bitch down.

Sam: Dean.

Dean: Yeah, alright. Well, it looks like you're going to leave town without me.

Sam: What are you talking about? I'm not leaving you here.

Dean: Hey, you better take care of that car or I swear I'll haunt your ass.

Sam: I don't think that's funny.

Dean: Ah, come on. It's a little funny. [pause] Look, Sammy, what can I say, man? It's a dangerous gig. I drew the short straw. That's it, end of story.

Sam: Don't talk like that, alright. We still have options.

Dean: What options? You got burial or cremation. I know it's not easy, but I'm gonna die and you can't stop it.

Sam: Watch me.

Dean: I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot.

Dean: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you?

Sam: I'm not gonna let you die, period! We're going!

Dean: Why? Why me? Out of all the sick people, why save me?

Roy Le Grange: Well, like I said before, the Lord guides me. I looked into your heart, and you just stood out from all the rest.

Dean: What did you see in my heart?

Roy: A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn't finished.

Dean: Layla. I'm not much the prayin' type, but…I'm gonna pray for you.

Layla Rourke: Well, there's a miracle right there.

Sam: Oh, and you might also want to mention that other thing.

Dean: What other thing?

Sam: The serious unfinished business. Dean, what is going on between you two?

Dean: Alright, so maybe we were a little bit more involved than I said.

Sam: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Dean: Okay, a lot more. Maybe. And I told her the secret about what we do, and I shouldn't have.

Sam: No, look, man, everybody's gotta open up to someone, sometime.

Dean: Yeah, I don't. It was stupid to get that close, and look how it ended. Would you stop? Blink or something.

Sam: You loved her.

Dean: Oh, God.

Sam: You were in love with her, but you dumped her. Oh, wow. She dumped you.

Dean: Get in the car.

Sam: You told her?! The big family secret? Rule number one: we do what we do and shut our mouths about it? For a year and a half, I do nothing but lie to Jessica and you go out with this chick in Ohio a couple of times and you tell her everything? [Dean is silent] Dean!

Dean: Yeah! Looks like…

Sam: And you think this vanishing truck ran him off the road?

Cassie Robinson: [embarrassed] Oh, when you say it aloud like that…. Listen, I'm a little sceptical about this…ghost stuff, or whatever it is you guys are into.

Dean: [chuckling] Sceptical. Yeah, if I remember, I think you said it was nuts.

Sam: Dean, where are you?

Dean: I'm in the middle of nowhere with a killer truck up my ass!

Dean: So, I guess I saved you from a boring existence!

Sam: Occasionally I miss boring!

Dean: So this killer truck…

Sam: I miss conversations that didn't start with "this killer truck".

Dean: Maybe? Maybe! What if you were wrong?

Sam: Huh. Honestly, that thought hadn't occurred to me!

Dean: [mocking Sam] "It honestly didn't occur to me"? [hangs up phone] I'm gonna kill him!

Sam: You mean you dated someone? For more than one night?

Dean: Am I speaking a language you're not getting here?

Dean: Don't leave the house.

Cassie: Don't go getting all authoritative on me, I hate it.

Dean: Don't leave the house, please?

Sam: Well, I know one thing I have in common with these people.

Dean: What's that?

Sam: Both our families are cursed.

Dean: Our family's not cursed. We just…had our dark spots.

Sam: [chuckles] Our dark spots are pretty dark.

Dean: You're…dark.

Sam: We're not gonna kill Max.

Dean: Then what? I hand him over to the cops and say, "Lock him up, officer; he kills with the power of his mind."

Sam: Well, I'll tell you one thing. We're lucky we had Dad.

Dean: I never thought I'd hear you say that.

Sam: Well, he could've gone a whole 'nother way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less demon-hunting, and we would've had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay—thanks to him.

Dean: All things considered.

Sam: Aren't you worried, man; aren't you worried that I could turn into Max or something?

Dean: Nope. No way. You know why?

Sam: No. Why?

Dean: 'Cause you've got one advantage that Max didn't have.

Sam: Dad? Because Dad's not here, Dean.

Dean: No. Me. [smiles] As long as I'm around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you.

Dean: I know what we need to do about your premonitions. I know where we have to go.

Sam: Where?

Dean: Vegas. [Sam 'harrumphs', walks out] What? Come on, man! Craps table? We'd clean up!

Deputy Kathleen Hudak: So, Gregory.

Dean: Yeah.

Deputy Kathleen: I ran your badge number. It's routine when we're working on a case with State Police, for accounting purposes and what have you.

Dean: Mmhmm.

Deputy Kathleen: And, uh, they just got back to me…says here your badge was stolen. And there's a picture of you. [turns screen towards Dean, on which there is a picture of a portly, black police officer]

Dean: [long silence] I lost some weight. And I got that…Michael Jackson skin disease…

Pa Bender: But the best hunt is human. Oh, there's nothin' like it. Holdin' their life in your hands. Seein' the fear in their eyes just before they go dark. Makes you feel powerful alive.

Dean: You're one sick puppy.

Pa Bender: Tell me, any other cops gonna come lookin' for you?

Dean: Eat me. Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait—you actually might.

Dean: Don't ever do that again.

Sam: Do what?

Dean: Go missing like that.

Sam: You were worried about me!

Dean: I'm just saying, you vanish like that again and I'm not looking for you.

Sam: Sure you won't.

Dean: No, I'm not.

Sam: So, you got sidelined by a thirteen-year-old girl?

Dean: Shut up.

Sam: I'm just saying, getting a little rusty there, aren't you, kiddo?

Dean: Shut up!

Pa Bender: You hurt my family, I'm gonna bleed you, bitch.

Deputy Kathleen: You killed my brother.

Pa Bender: Your brother. [laughs] Now I see.

Deputy Kathleen: Just tell me why.

Pa Bender: Because it's fun. [laughs again]

[Deputy Kathleen shoots him]

Dean: I talked to the bartender.

Sam: Did you get anything…besides her number?

Dean: Dude, I'm a professional. I'm offended that you would think that. [smiles and chuckles as he displays a napkin with her phone number] …All right.

Sam: You mind doing a little thinking with your upstairs brain, Dean?

Sam: I'm just saying, there's something about this girl I can't quite put my finger on.

Dean: But I bet you'd like to. Maybe she's not a suspect, maybe…maybe you've got a thing for her. Maybe you're thinking a little too much with your upstairs brain.

Dean: What are you gonna do?

Sam: I'm gonna watch Meg.

Dean: [laughing] Yeah, you are.

Sam: I just wanna see what's what. Better safe than sorry.

Dean: All right, you little pervert.

Sam: Dude.

Dean: I'm goin', I'm goin'.

Dean: You wanna go back to school?

Sam: Yeah, once we're done huntin' the thing.

Dean: Huh.

Sam: Why, is there somethin' wrong with that?

Dean: No. No, it's, uh, great. Good for you.

Sam: I mean, what are you gonna do when it's all over?

Dean: It's never gonna be over. There's gonna be others. There's always gonna be somethin' to hunt.

Sam: But there's got to be somethin' that you want for yourself—

Dean: Yeah, I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam.

Sam: Dude, what's your problem?

Dean: Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?

Sam: 'Cause Dad was in trouble. 'Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom.

Dean: Yes, that; but it's more than that, man. You, me, Dad. I want us to be together again. To be a family again.

Sam: Dean. We are a family. I'd do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before.

Dean: Could be.

Sam: I don't want them to be. I'm not going to live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you're gonna have to let me go my own way.

[Dean looks sad]

Dean: Hey, Sam…?

Sam: Hmm?

Dean: Next time you want to get laid…find a girl that's not so buckets-of-crazy, huh?

Dean: What's the matter, you afraid you gonna get a little Nair in your shampoo again, huh?

Sam: All right. Just remember, you started it.

Dean: Oh, bring it on, baldy.

Sam: And after his time, too. The reversed cross has been used by Satanists for centuries, but this sigil of sulfur didn't show up in San Francisco until the sixties.

Dean: [looks at Sam strangely] This is exactly why you never get laid.

Ed Zeddmore: This stuff right here—this is our ticket to the big time. Fame, money, sex. With girls, okay? Be brave. Okay, WWBD. What would Buffy do? Huh?

Harry Spangler: What would Buffy do? I don't know, but, Ed, she's stronger than me.

[Sam and Dean walk up to Hell House, notice an ambulance and police cars parked around it]

Dean: What happened?

Man: Couple of cops say that poor girl hung herself in the house.

Sam: Suicide?

Man: Yeah. But she was a straight-A student. And a full ride to UT, too. It just don't make sense. [walks off]

Sam: What are you thinkin'?

Dean: I'm thinkin' we missed something.

[after Ed and Harry leave, explaining they have to meet a producer for rights to a movie]

Dean: [laughing] Wow.

Sam: I have a confession to make. I'm the one who called them up and told them I was a producer. [both laugh]

Dean: Well, I'm the one who put the dead fish in their back seat.

[both laugh]

Sam: Truce?

Dean: Yeah, truce…at least for the next hundred miles.

Dean: Well, maybe he's gonna meet us there.

Sam: [scoffs] Yeah, 'cause he's been so easy to find at this point.

Dean: You're a real smart ass, you know that? [pauses] Don't worry, I'm sure there's something in Fitchberg worth killing.

Sam: Yeah? What makes you so sure?

Dean: Because I'm the oldest…which means I'm always right.

Sam: No, it doesn't.

Dean: Yeah, it totally does.

Sam: I'm surprised you didn't draw on him right there.

Dean: Yeah, well, first of all, I wasn't gonna open fire at a freakin' pediatrics ward.

Sam: Good call.

Dean: Second, it wouldn't have done any good 'cause the bastard's bullet-proof unless he's chowing down on something; and, third, I wasn't packing, which is probably a good thing, 'cause I probably would have just burned a clip in him just out of principle alone.

Sam: Getting wise in your old age, Dean.

Dean: Well, we'll be right in the next room. We're gonna come in with guns, so as soon as we do, you roll off this bed and crawl under it.

Michael: What if you shoot me?

Dean: [shakes head] We won't shoot you. We're good shots. We're not gonna fire until you're clear, okay? [Michael nods] Have you ever heard a gunshot before?

Michael: Like in the movies?

Dean: This is gonna be a lot louder than in movies so I want you to stay under the bed, cover your ears. Do not come out till we say so, you understand?

Sam: Hey, Dean, I'm sorry.

Dean: [looks confused] For what?

Sam: You know. I know I've given you a lot of crap for always following Dad's orders. But I know why you do it.

Dean: Oh, God…kill me now.

Sam: It's too bad.

Dean: No, they'll be fine.

Sam: It's not what I meant. I meant Michael. [pauses] He'll always know that there are things out there in the dark. He'll never be the same. You know…sometimes I wish that…

Dean: What?

Sam: I wish I could have that kind of innocence.

Dean: [pauses] Well, if it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too.

Dean: [about Sarah Blake] Alright, you like her; she likes you. You're both consenting adults.

Sam: What's the point, Dean? We'll just leave. We always leave.

Dean: Well, I'm not talking about marriage, Sam.

Sam: You know what, I don't get it. What do you care if I hook up?

Dean: 'Cause then maybe you wouldn't be so cranky all the time.

Dean: You know, seriously, Sam, this isn't just about hooking up, okay? I mean, I—I think that this Sarah girl could be good for you. And I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm—I'm sure that this is about Jessica, right? Now, I don't know what it's like to lose somebody like that, but I would think that she would want you to be happy; God forbid, have fun one in awhile. Wouldn't she?

Sam: Yeah, I know she would. Yeah, you're right—part of this is about Jessica, but not the main part.

Dean: What's it about? [Sam is silent] Yeah, alright.

Sam: Sarah, you saw that painting move.

Sarah Blake: No…no…I—I was seeing things. It's impossible.

Dean: Yeah, well, welcome to our world.

Sarah: Is there something here between us, or am I delusional?

Sam: You're not delusional.

Sarah: But, there's a "but" coming.

Sam: But, I don't think this is a good idea.

Sarah: Can I ask why?

Sam: 'Cause I like you.

Sarah: Wait…you lost me.

[both laugh]]

Sarah: So, why did the girl do it?

Sam: Killing others, killing herself. Some people are just born tortured. So when they die, their spirits are just as dark.

Dean: [on cell] How're we gonna waste her?

Sam: I dunno. She was already cremated, there's nothin' left to burn.

Dean: Well, then, how's she still around?

Sam: There must be somethin' else.

Sarah: Sam wait! We used to handle antique dolls at the auction.

Sam: Well, that's fascinating, Sarah, but important right now?

Sarah: Well, back then, they used to make the dolls in the kid's image—I mean everything, like they—they would use the kid's real hair!

Sam: Dean? Sarah says the doll might have the girl's real hair. Human remains, same as bones.

Sam & Dean: The mausoleum!

Sam: What kind of house doesn't have salt? Low sodium freaks!

Sarah: Um…Sam? You're the expert on all this "ghost stuff"! Should the painting look like that? Where's the little girl?

Sam: And the razor…Dean!

Dean: Sam? [calls him]

Sam: [answering phone] Hey!

Dean: Please tell me you slammed the front door!

Sam: No, I think it's the little girl!

Dean: Little girl? What little girl?

Sam: The girl from the painting! I think it was her all along!

Dean: Wasn't the dad looking down at her? Well maybe he was trying to warn us!

Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Let's re-cap later!

Sarah: Sam!?

Dean: "Vampires nest in groups of eight to ten, smaller packs are sent out to hunt for food. Victims are taken to the nest, where the pack keeps them alive, bleeding them for days or weeks." Wonder if that's what happened to that 911 couple.

Sam: That's probably what dad's thinking. [sullenly] 'Course, it'd be nice if he just told us what he thinks.

Dean: So it is starting.

Sam: What?

Dean: Sam, we've been looking for dad all year. Now we're not with him for more than a couple hours and there's static already?

Sam: [scoffs] No. Look, I'm happy he's okay, alright? And I'm happy that we're all working together again.

Dean: Well, good.

Sam: …It's just the way he treats us, like we're children.

Dean: [rolls eyes] Oh, God.

John: Sammy.

Sam: What?

John: I don't think I ever told you this, but the day you were born, d'you know what I did?

Sam: No.

John: I put a hundred bucks into a savings account for you. I did the same thing for your brother. It was a college fund. And every month I'd put in another hundred dollars, until— Anyway, my point is, Sam, that, this was never the life I wanted for you.

[…]

Sam: Hey, Dad, whatever happened to that college fund?

John: Spent it on ammo.

[both laugh]

Dean: What happens if you die? Dad, what happens if you die and we coulda done something about it? You know, I've been thinking, and I think maybe Sammy's right about this one. I think we should do this together. We're stronger as a family, Dad; we just are, you know it.

John: We're running out of time. You do your job and you get out of the area. That's an order.

John: So, boys.

Sam: Yes, sir.

John: You ignored a direct order back there.

Sam: Yes, sir.

Dean: Yeah, but we saved your ass.

[beat]

John: You're right.

Dean: I am?

Dean: For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault.

Sam: Yeah, you're right, it's not my fault; but it's my problem!

Dean: No, it's not your problem; it's our problem!

John: Okay. That's enough.

Meg: Well, I've lied…a lot. I've stolen. I've lusted. And the other day I met this man—a nice guy, you know? And we had a really good chat…sort of like this. Then I slit his throat and ripped his heart out through his chest. Does that make me a bad person?

Meg: John, you made it. Too bad, really. I was hoping to kill more of your friends.

John: Sorry to disappoint.

Meg: I can see where your boys get their good looks. But I must admit, considering what they say about you, I thought you'd be…taller. [John says nothing] Well, aren't you the chatty one? You wanna get to business? Fine. Why don't you hand over the gun?

John: If I give you the gun, how do I get out of here?

Meg: Well, if you're as good as they say you are, I'm sure you'll figure something out.

John: Maybe I'll just shoot you.

Meg: You wanna shoot me, baby? Go ahead. It won't end anything. There's more where I came from.

…

Meg: You're dead, John. Your boys are dead.

John: I never used the gun, how could I know it wouldn't work?

Meg: I am so not in the mood for this, I've just been shot!

John: Well then, I guess you're lucky the gun wasn't real.

Meg: That's funny, John. We're gonna strip the skin from your bones, but that was funny.

Sam: Dean, uh, I want to thank you.

Dean: For what?

Sam: For everything. You've always had my back, you know. Even when I couldn't count on anyone, I could always count on you. And, uh, I just wanted to let you know, just in case.

Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you kidding me?

Sam: What?

Dean: Don't say "just in case something happens to you"; I don't want to hear that freaking speech, man. Nobody's dying tonight, not us, not that family, nobody. Except that demon. That evil son of a bitch ain't getting any older than tonight, understand me?

Sam: If you had just let me go in there, I could have ended all this.

Dean: Sam, the only thing you would have ended was your life.

Sam: You don't know that.

Dean: So, what, you're just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right I am.

Dean: Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen—not as long as I'm around.

Sam: What the hell are you talkin' about, Dean? We've been searching for this demon our whole lives. It's the only thing we've ever cared about.

Dean: Sam, I wanna waste it. I do, okay? But it's not worth dyin' over.

Sam: What?

Dean: I mean it. If huntin' this demon means you gettin' yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing.

Sam: That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom.

Dean: You said yourself once…that no matter what we do, they're gone. And they're never comin' back.

Sam: Don't you say that! Don't you—not after all this, don't you say that!

Dean: [emotionally] Sammy, look…the three of us—that's all we have. And that's all I have. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holdin' it together, man. Without you and Dad…

Dean: To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure if we should come.

Bobby: Nonsense. Your daddy needs help.

Dean: Yeah, but last time we saw you, I mean, you did threaten to blast him full of buckshot. Cocked the shotgun and everything.

Bobby: Yeah, well, what can I say? John just has that effect on people.

Meg: No more crap, okay? I want the Colt, Sam—the real Colt. Right now.

Sam: We don't have it on us. We buried it.

Meg: Didn't I say, "No more crap"? I swear, after everything I heard about you Winchesters, I've got to tell you, I'm a little underwhelmed. First, Johnny tries to pawn off a fake gun, and then he leaves the real gun with you two chuckleheads. Lackluster, men. I mean, did you really think I wouldn't find you?

Dean: Actually, we were counting on it. Gotcha.

Dean: You and dad are a lot more alike then I thought, you know that? You both can't wait to sacrifice yourself for this thing, but you know what? I'm gonna be the one to bury you.

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): He's gonna taste the iron in your blood.

Dean: Let him go, or I swear to God…

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): What? What are you and God gonna do? You see as far as I'm concerned, this is justice. You know that little exorcism of yours? That was my daughter. The one in the alley? That was my boy. You understand?

Dean: You got to be kidding me.

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): What? You the only one that can have a family? You destroyed my children. How would you feel if I killed your family? Oh, that's right, I forgot I did. Still, two wrongs don't make a right.

Dean: You son of a bitch.

Sam: I wanna know why. Why'd you do it?

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): You mean why'd I kill mommy and pretty little Jess?

Sam: Yeah.

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): [to Dean] You know I never told you this, but Sam was going to ask her to marry him. Been shopping for rings and everything. You wanna know why? Because they got in the way.

Sam: In the way of what?

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): My plans for you, Sammy—you, and all the children like you.

Dean: Listen, you mind just getting this over with, because I really can't stand the monologuing.

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): Funny, but that's all part of your M.O., isn't it? Mask all that nasty pain, mask the truth.

Dean: Oh, yeah? What's that?

John (possessed by the yellow-eyed dæmon): You know you fight, and you fight for this family—but the truth is, they don't need you, not like you need them. Sam, he's clearly John's favorite. Even when they fight, its more concern than he's ever shown you.

Dean: I bet you're real proud of your kids, too, huh? Oh wait, I forgot, I wasted them.

John: Killing this demon comes first. Before me, before everything.

Sam: [looks at wounded Dean] No, sir. Not before everything.

Sam: Get back. Or I'll kill you I swear to God.

Possessed Trucker: You won't. You're saving that bullet for someone else.

Sam: (cocks the Colt) You wanna bet?

Dean: (to Sam) Come on, you're the psychic. Give me some ghost whispering or something!

John: Here. (hands Sam a card) Give them my insurance.

Sam: (sceptically) Elroy McGillicuddy?

John: And his two loving sons.

Sam: I'll find some hoodoo priest to lay some mojo on him.

(This is exactly what Dean suggested earlier; Sam had unconsciously heard it)

John: Where's the Colt?

Sam: Your son is dying and you're worried about the Colt?

John: We are hunting this demon, and maybe it's hunting us too. That gun might be our only cover.

Sam: ...it's in the trunk. They towed the car to a yard off of I-83.

Sam: Hey Dad, you know, the demon, he said he had plans for me and the children like me. Do you have any idea what he meant by that?

John: No, I don't.

(Sam leaves the room)

Dean: (to John) Well, you sure know something.

Sam: Oh man, (looking at the Impala) Dean is gonna be pissed.

Bobby: Look, Sam, this just ain't worth a tow. I say we empty the trunk and sell the rest for scrap.

Sam: No, Dean would kill me if we did that. When he gets better he's going to want to fix this.

Bobby: There's nothing to fix. The frame's a pretzel, the engine's ruined... there's barely any parts worth salvaging!

Sam: Listen to me, Bobby: If there's only one working part, that's enough. We're not just going to give up on... (realizes he's no longer talking about the car)

Dean: Come on, Dad. You've got to help me. I've got to get better, I've got to get back in there. You haven't called a soul for help, you haven't even tried. Aren't you going to do anything, aren't you even going to say anything?! I've done everything you've ever asked me, everything. I've given everything I've ever had. Now you're just going to sit there and watch me die? What the hell kind of father are you?!

John: I have a plan, Sam.

Sam: That's exactly my point! Dean is dying, and you have a plan! You know, you care more about this demon than you do saving your own son!

John: Do not tell me how I feel! I am doing this for Dean.

Sam: How? How is revenge gonna help him? You're not thinking about anybody but yourself- it's the same, selfish obsession!

John: Oh that's funny, y'know what, I thought this was your obsession too! This demon: killed you mother, killed your girlfriend! You begged me to be a part of this hunt! Now if you'd killed that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would've happened!

Sam: It was possessing you dad, I would've killed you too!

John: Yeah, and your brother would be awake right now!

Sam: Go to Hell.

(After swiping a glass of water off a table in anger)

Dean: Dude, I full-on Swazyed that mother!

Tessa: What are you, some kind of New Agey guy?

Dean: (annoyed) You see me messing with crystals and listening to Yanni?

Tessa: I just think, whatever's going to happen is going to happen. It's out of my control; it's just fate.

Dean: That's crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die or you can keep fighting, no matter what.

Sam: Hey. I think maybe you're around, and if you are, don't make fun of me for this, but, um, there's one way we can talk.

(Sam pulls out a "Mystical Talking Board")

Dean: Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Sam: Dean? Dean, are you here?

Dean: God, I feel like I'm at a slumber party.

Dean: Thanks for not giving up on me Sammy.

(John has just performed the ritual that will summon the demon)

Custodian: The Hell are you doin' down here, buddy?

John: I can explain.

Custodian: Yeah? You're gonna explain to security. C'mon, follow me.

John: Hey. (draws the Colt) How stupid do you think I am.

Custodian: (turns, and his eyes turn yellow) You really want an honest answer to that?

Yellow eyed demon: You, conjuring me, John? I'm surprised. I took you for a lot of things, but suicidally reckless wasn't one of them.

Sam: Dean, are you here? Couldn't find anything in the book. I don't know how to help you. But I'll keep trying, alright? As long as you keep fighting. I mean, come on, you can't— you can't leave me here alone with Dad, we'll kill each other, you know that. Dean, you gotta hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again. Can you hear me?

Dean: There's no such thing as an honorable death. My corpse is gonna rot in the ground and my family is gonna die!

Yellow eyed demon: It's very unseemly, making deals with devils.

Yellow eyed Demon: Why John, you're a sentimentalist. If only your boys knew, how much their daddy loved them.

Yellow eyed demon: You know the truth, right? About Sammy? And the other children?

John: Yeah. I've known for a while.

Yellow eyed demon: But Sam doesn't, does he? You've been playing dumb.

John: I'm gonna wanna make sure that Dean's okay, with my own eyes.

Yellow eyed demon: Oh, John, I'm offended. Don't you trust me?

John: So we have a deal.

Yellow eyed demon: No, John, not yet. You still need to sweeten the pot.

John: How you feeling, dude?

Dean: Fine I guess. I'm alive.

John: That's what matters.

Sam: Where were you last night?

John: I had some things to take care of.

Sam: Well, that's specific.

Dean: Come on, Sam.

Sam: Did you go after the Demon?

John: No.

Sam: You know, why don't I believe you right now?

John: Can we not fight? You know, half the time we're fighting I don't even know what we're fighting about. Just butting heads. Look, Sammy I've, I've made some mistakes. But I've always done the best I could. I just don't want to fight anymore, okay?

Sam: Dad, are you all right?

John: Yeah... Yeah, I'm just a little tired. Hey Sam, would you mind getting me a cup of caffeine?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Dean: What is it?

John: You know... when you were a kid, I'd come home from a hunt. And after what I'd seen I'd be...I'd be wrecked. And you... you'd come up to me and you, you'd put your hand on my shoulder and you'd look me in they eye and, you'd say 'Its okay, dad.' Dean, I'm sorry.

Dean: Why?

John: You shouldn't have had to say that to me. I-I should've been saying that to you. You know, I put- I put too much on your shoulders. I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that. And you didn't complain, not once. I just want you to know that I am so proud of you.

Dean: This really you talking?

John: Yeah. Yeah, it's really me.

Dean: Why you saying this stuff?

John: I want you to watch out for Sammy, okay?

Dean: Yeah dad, you know I will. You're scaring me.

John: Don't be scared, Dean.

Sam: Before...before he... [He stops, unable to get the words out] Did he say anything to you? About anything?

Dean: [pause] No. Nothin'.

Dean: Stop it, Sam.

Sam: Stop what?

Dean: Stop askin' if I need anything, stop askin' if I'm okay. I'm okay. Really. I promise.

Sam: All right. Dean, it's just…we've been at Bobby's for over a week now and you haven't brought up Dad once.

Dean: You know what, you're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, hug –- maybe even slow dance.

[Dean and Sam are forced to drive a Dodge Caravan while the Impala is still being repaired]

Dean: I feel like a freakin' soccer mom.

Dean: [looking around Harvelle's, the barrel of a rifle is placed against his back] Oh God, please let that be a rifle.

Jo: Nah, I'm just real happy to see you.

Sam: So look, if you can help, we could use all the help we can get.

Ellen: Well we can't. But Ash will.

Sam: Who's Ash?

Ellen: ASH!

[A man in a red plaid jacket with a mullet sleeping on the pool table jolts awake]

Ash: What? Closin' time?

Sam: That's Ash?

Jo: Mmm hmm, He's a genius.

[Skips to a discussion at the bar with Ash, John's journal is presented to him]

Dean: You gotta be kidding me; this guy's no genius. He's a Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie.

Ash: I like you.

Dean: Thanks.

[Discussing John's research]

Ash: There are non-parametrics, statistical overviews, prospects and correlations, I mean... damn! They're signs. Omens. Uh, if you can track 'em, you can track this demon. You know, like crop failures, electrical storms... You ever been struck by lightening? It ain't fun.

Sam: Can you track it or not?

Ash: Yeah, with this, I think so. But it's gonna take time... uh, gimmie... 51 hours

[Ash gets up to leave.]

Dean: Hey, man?

Ash: Yeah.

Dean: I, uh, I dig the haircut.

Ash: All business up front, party in the back.

Dean: I know what you're thinking, Sam: why did it have to be clowns? [reference to Raiders of the Lost Ark "Why'd it have to be snakes"]

Sam: Gimme a break.

Dean: [laughs] You didn't think I remembered, did you? C'mon, you still bust out crying whenever you see Ronald MacDonald television.

Sam: At least I'm not afraid of flying.

Dean: Planes crash, Sam!

Sam: And apparently, clowns kill!

Dean: Excuse me. We're looking for a Mr. Cooper. Have you seen him around?

Amazing Papazian: What is that? Some kind of joke? [removes his glasses, showing he's blind]

Dean: Oh God, I'm sorry...

Amazing Papazian: You think I wouldn't give my eye teeth to see Mr. Cooper, or a sunset, or anything at all...?

Dean: [Aside, to Sam] You wanna give me a little help here?

Sam: Not really.

Midget Clown: Hey Barry, is there a problem?

Amazing Papazian: Yeah, this guy hates blind people.

Dean: No, no I don't...

Midget Clown: Hey buddy, what's your problem?

Dean: Nothing, it's just a little misunderstanding.

Midget Clown: Little? You son of a bitch...

Dean: No, no, no, I'm just... Can somebody tell me where Mr. Cooper is? Please?

Mr. Cooper: You two have never worked a show in your lives before, have you?

Dean: Nope. But we really need the work. So... and ah, Sam here's got a thing for the bearded lady.

Dean: Hello?

Sam: Hey, man.

Dean: What's the matter? You sound like you just saw a clown.

Sam: Very funny.

Dean: I just think it's really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It's like, "Oh, what would Dad want me to do?" Sam, you spent your entire life sluggin' it out with that man. I mean, hell, you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he's dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry, Sam, but you can't. It's too little, too late.

Sam: Why are you sayin' this to me?

Dean: Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this! I'm dealin' with Dad's death! Are you?

[Jo and Dean stare at Sam, giving him the hint to leave.]

Sam: Oh, yeah. I've got to, uh…I've got to go…over there…right now. [He leaves.]

[After Dean and Sam return to the roadhouse, Ash emerges from his room]

Ash: Where you guys been? Been waitn' for ya...

Sam: We were working a job, Ash. [Ash looks blankly at Sam] Clowns?

Ash: Clowns? What the f-

Dean: [Interrupting] You got something for us Ash?

[Ash has rigged a laptop to an alarm if any of The Demon's signs appear anywhere in the world]

Sam: Ash Where'd you learn to do all this?

Ash: MIT. Before I got bounced, for fighting.

Sam: MIT?

Ash: It's a school in Boston.

Sam: You were right.

Dean: About what?

Sam: About me and Dad. I'm sorry that the last time I was with him, I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know, he died thinkin' that I hate him. So, you're right. What I'm doin' right now - it is too little. It's too late. [pause] I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. [He is on the verge of tears.] And I'm not all right. Not at all. [pause] But neither are you. That much I know. I'll let you get back to work. [He leaves.]

[Dean is overjoyed to have his Impala back]

Sam: You know, if you two wanna get a room, just let me know Dean.

Dean: [to the Impala] Don't listen to him, baby. He doesn't understand.

Sam: (talking to Dean) Give you a couple of severed heads and a pile of dead cows and you're Mr. Sunshine.

Sheriff: What newspaper did you say you worked for?

Dean: World Weekly News.

Sam: Weekly World News.

Dean: World...

Sam: Weekly World News.

Dean: Wor... I'm new.

Sheriff: Get out of my office

Dean: John.

Jeff: Jeff.

Dean: Jeff, I know that. Dr. Dworkin needs to see you in the office.

Jeff: But Dr. Dworkin is on vacation.

Dean: Well, he's back and he is pissed, he's screaming for you, man, so if I were you, I would…

Jeff: Okay!

Dean: Okay… Those Satanists in Florida, they marked their victims, didn't they?

Sam: Yeah. Reverse pentacle on the forehead.

Dean: Yeah… So much f'd up crap happens in Florida.

Dean: All right, Open it.

Sam: You open it.

Dean: Wuss.

Sam: Dean, get me a bucket.

Dean: Find something?

Sam: No, I'm going to puke.

Sam: So... we're looking for some people.

Bartender: Sure, its hard to be lonely.

Dean: Did you check out that Barker farm?

Gordon: It's a bust. Just a bunch of hippie freaks. Though they could kill you with that patchouli smell alone.

Dean: You all right, Sammy?

Sam: Yeah, I'm fine.

Gordon: Well, lighten up a little, Sammy.

Sam: He's the only one who gets to call me that.

Sam: (sighs) Look, I'm not gonna bring you guys down, I'm just gonna go back to the motel.

Dean: (groans slightly) You sure?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Hey, Sammy! Remind me to beat that buzz-kill out of you later, alright?

Dean: He was just one of those guys... took some terrible beatings... just kept coming. So you're always saying to yourself, he's indestructible, he'll always be around... nothing can kill my Dad. And then just like that...he's gone. Can't talk about this to Sammy-I've gotta keep my game face on. But, ah, the truth is I'm not handling it too well.

Sam: I thought you said he [Gordon] was a good hunter?

Ellen: Yeah, and Hannibal Lecter's a good psychiatrist.

Gordon: You know why I love this life?

Dean: Hmm?

Gordon: It's all black and white. There's no maybe. Find the bad thing, kill it. You see, most people spend their lives in shades of gray. "Is this right, is that wrong?" Not us.

Eli: Why are we explaining ourselves to this killer [Sam]?

Lenore: Eli...

Eli: We choke on cows blood so that none of them suffer. And tonight, they murdered Conrad. And they celebrated.

Lenore: Eli, that's enough.

Sam: Yeah, Eli, that's enough!

Dean: And I'm supposed to listen to her? We barely know her, Sam. No, thanks. I'll go with Gordon.

Sam: Right, because Gordon's such an old friend. You don't think I can see what this is?

Dean: What are you talking about?

Sam: He's a substitute for Dad, isn't he? A poor one.

Dean: Shut up, Sam.

Sam: He's not even close, Dean. Not on his best day.

Dean: You know, I'm not gonna talk—

Sam: You slap on his big fake smile but I can see through it. 'Cause I know how you feel, Dean. Dad's dead, and he left a hole, and it hurt so bad you can't take it. But you can't just fill that hole with whoever you want to. It's an insult to his memory!

Dean: Okay... [He turns around and hits Sam.]

Sam: You hit me all you want. It won't change anything.

Dean: You're good. A monster pain in the ass… but you're good.

Dean: (to Gordon) I might be like you, and I might not. But you're the one tied up right now.

Sam: Ready to go, Dean?

Dean: Not yet. (to Gordon) I guess this is goodbye. Well, it's been real... (punches Gordon) Okay, I'm good now. We can go.

Dean: Sam.

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Clock me one.

Sam: What?

Dean: Come on. I won't even hit you back. Let's go.

Sam: No.

Dean: Let's go. You get a freebie. Hit me. Come on.

Sam: You look like you just went 12 rounds with a block of cement, Dean. I'll take a rain check.

Dean: Think about the hunts we went on,Sammy, our whole lives.

Sam: Okay.

Dean: What if we killed things that didn't deserve killing? I mean, the way Dad raised us-

Sam: Dean, after what happened to Mom, Dad did the best he could.

Dean: I know he did. But the man wasn't perfect. And the way he raised us to hate those things? And, man, I hate them. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill I didn't even think about it. Hell, I even enjoyed it.

Sam: You didn't kill Lenore.

Dean: Well, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna kill her, I was gonna kill them all.

Sam: Yeah, Dean, but you didn't. And that's what matters.

Dean: Yeah. And because you're a pain in my ass.

Sam: I guess I might have to stick around and be a pain in the ass, then.

Dean: Thanks.

Sam: Don't mention it.

Dean: Come on, Sam, I'm begging you. This is stupid.

Sam: Why?

Dean: Going to visit mom's grave? She doesn't even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire.

Sam: She has a headstone.

Dean: Yeah, put up by her uncle, a man we've never met. So you wanna go pay your respects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on

Sam: Dean, that's not the point.

Dean: Well, then enlighten me, Sam.

Sam: It's not about a body or a casket. It's about her memory, okay? And after dad, it just-it just feels like the right thing to do.

Dean: It's irrational, is what it is.

Sam: Look, man, no one asked you to come.

Dean: Why don't we swing by the Roadhouse instead? I mean, we haven't heard on the demon lately. We should be hunting that son of a bitch down.

Sam: That's a good idea. You should. Just drop me off. I'll hitch a ride, And I'll meet you tomorrow.

Dean: Right. I'll be stuck with those people, making awkward small talk until you show up. No, thanks.

Sam: Okay. So what are you thinking?

Dean: I don't know, unholy ground, maybe.

Sam: Un...

Dean: What? If something evil happened, it could easily poison the ground. Remember the farm outside of Cedar Rapids?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Could be the sign of a demonic presence. Or the-the Angela girl's spirit, if it's powerful enough.

[Sam nods, rolls his eyes and walks away]

Dean: Well, don't get too excited, you might pull something.

[Dean gives Sam an angry glare after he brings up John's death]

Sam: You want to take another swing? Go ahead if it'll make you feel better.

Television that Sam is watching: [sultry voice] Next on the skin channel, Casa Erotica IV a tale of two Latin beauties...

[Dean enters and Sam quickly turns off the television]

Sam: [off-handedly] Hey. ...What?

Dean: Awkward...

Dean: I'm still not getting that powerful 'angry spirit' vibe from Angela. I have been reading this though. [holds up a pink book]

Sam: You stole the girl's diary?

Dean: Yeah, Sam, and if anything, that girl's a little too nice.

Sam: So what do we do?

Dean: Keep digging, talk to more of her friends.

Sam: You get any names?

Dean: You kiddin' me? I have her bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Dean: Burn the bones.

Sam: Burn the bones? Are you high? Angela died last week!

Dean: So?

Sam: So, there's not going to be bones! There's going to be a ripe, rotting body in the coffin!

Dean: Since when are you afraid to get dirty?

[repeated line]

Dean: What's dead should stay dead.

Dean: Sam, if you bring Dad's death up one more time, I swear...

Sam: Stop. Please, Dean, it's killing you. Please. We've already lost Dad, we've lost Mom, I've lost Jessica and now I'm gonna lose you too.

Dean: We better get out of here before the cops come. I hear you, okay? Yeah, I'm being an ass and I'm sorry. But right now, we got a freaking zombie running around, we need to figure out how to kill it. Right?

Sam: Our lives are weird, man.

Dean: You're telling me. Come on.

Dean: We can't just waste 'em with a headshot?

Sam: Dude, you've been watching way too many Romero flicks.

Dean: You're telling me there's no lore on how to smoke them?

Sam: No, Dean, I'm telling you there's too much. I mean, there's at least a hundred different legends on the walking dead, but they all have different methods for killing them. Some say setting them on fire... uh, one said [flipping through John's journal] ...where is it? Right here. "Feeding their hearts to wild dogs." That's my personal favorite.

Dean: Neil, it's your grief counselors. We've come to hug.

[Searching Neil's house and finding a heavily bolted door above the stairs to the zombie pen]

Dean: [jokingly] Unless this is where he keeps his porn...

[upon finding the empty zombie pen]

Sam: You think Angela's going after somebody?

Dean: [knocking aside a grate to reveal a large hole in the wall leading outside] Nah, I think she went out to rent Beaches.

Sam: Look, smartass, she might kill someone. We gotta find her, Dean.

Dean: Yeah. Alright, she, uh... She clipped Matt because he was cheating, right?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Well, it takes two to, you know... have hardcore sex.

Dean: I've heard of some people doing some pretty desperate things to get laid, but you, you take the cake!...

Neil: You're crazy.

Dean: Your girlfriend's past her expiration date and we're crazy?

Sam: Did we have to use me as bait?

Dean: I figured you were more her type. She had pretty crappy taste in guys.

Sam: I think she broke my hand.

Dean: You're just too fragile. We'll get it looked at later.

Dean: I'm sorry.

Sam: You - For what?

Dean: The way I've been acting. And for Dad. I mean, he was your dad too. And it's my fault that he's gone.

Sam: What are you talking about?

Dean: I know you've been thinking it - so have I. Doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Back at the hospital, I made a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later Dad's dead and the Colt's gone.

Sam: Dean.

Dean: You can't tell me there's not a connection there. I don't know how the demon was involved. I don't know how the whole thing went down exactly. But Dad's dead because of me. And that much I do know.

Sam: We don't know that. Not for sure.

Dean: Sam ... (He starts to cry) You and Dad ... you're the most important people in my life. And now ... I never should've come back, Sam. It wasn't natural. And now look what's come of it. I was dead. And I should have stayed dead. You wanted to know how I was feeling. Well, that's it.

[Sam nods]

Dean: So tell me. What could you possibly say to make that all right?

Sam: So, I'm a freak now?

Dean: You've always been a freak.

[Sam knocks on Ash's door, which bears the sign "Dr. Badass is: In/Out"]

Sam: Ash. [knocks again] ...Hey, Ash!

[Dean knocks]

Dean: Hey, Dr. Badass!

[Door opens and Ash is completely naked]

Ash: Sam. Dean. Sam and Dean.

Sam: Hey, Ash... We need your help.

Ash: Well, hell, then, guess I need my pants.

[Ash is searching unsuccessfully for information on the case]

Sam: Alright, try something else for me. Search Guthry for a housefire; it would be 1983, fire's origin would be the baby's nursery, night of the kid's 6th month birthday.

[Ash stares]

Ash: Okay, now that is just weird, man. Why the hell would I be looking for that?

[Sam put a bottle on the counter]

Sam: Because there's a PBR in it for ya.

Ash: Give me 15 minutes.

[Jo puts music on and takes tray of glasses to counter, Dean gives her a look]

Jo: What?

Dean: REO Speedwagon?

Jo: Damn right, REO, Kevin Cronin sings it from the heart.

Dean: He sings it from the hair, there's a difference.

Dean: If I ran off with you, I think your mother might kill me. [gives Ellen a sheepish grin as she glares at him from across the room]

Jo: You're afraid of my mother?

Dean: [turns back to Jo] I think so.

[Dean is singing "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon in the car]

Dean: "And even as I wander, I'm keepin' you in sight/ You're a candle in a window on a cold dark winter's night..."

[Sam appears confused and annoyed]

Dean: [continuing] "And I'm getting closer than I ever thought, I might-"

Sam: [staring at Dean] You're kidding, right?

Dean: I heard the song somewhere; I can't get it out of my head. I don't know, man.

Server: If you want to find him [Andy], try Orchard St. Just look for a van with a barbarian queen painted on the side.

Dean: Barbarian queen?

Server: She's riding a polar bear, it's kinda hard to miss.

[Dean and Sam are observing Andy's van from their car]

Dean: I'm sorry, I'm starting to like this dude. That van is sweet.

Dean: What's wrong?

Sam: Nothing.

Dean: Sam, you look like you're sucking on a lemon. What's going on?

Andy: This is a cherry ride.

Dean: Yeah, thanks.

Andy: Man, a '67. Impala's best year, if you ask me. This is a serious classic.

Dean: Yeah. You know, I just rebuilt her, too. Can't let a car like this one go.

Andy: Damn straight. Hey, can I have it?

Dean: Sure, man!

Andy: Sweet! [He gets inside.]

Dean: Hop right in there…there you go.

Andy: Nice! Take it easy.

Dean: All right.

[Sam calls Dean on his cell phone]

Sam: Dean! Andy's got the Impala!

Dean: I know! He just sort of asked me for it, and then I let him take it...

Sam: You what?!

Dean: He full-on Obi-waned me! It's mind control, man!

[Upon finding the Impala intact]

Dean: Oh, thank God! I'm sorry baby, I'll never leave you again! At least he left the keys in it.

Sam: Yeah. Real Samaritan, this guy.

Dean: Well, it looks like he can't work his mojo just by twitchin' his nose. He's gotta use verbal commands.

[Looking through the items in a van]

Dean: And Moby Dick's bong.

Dean: Argh! You know, one day I'd love to just sit down, and eat something that I didn't have to microwave in a Mini-Mart.

Andy: Hey! You think I haven't seen you two? Why are you following me?

Sam: Well, we're lawyers. See, a relative of yours has passed...

Andy: [Interupting.] Tell the truth.

Sam: That's what I'm...

Dean: We hunt demons.

Andy: What?

Sam: [Shocked.] Dean!

Dean: Demons, spirits, things your worst nightmares wouldn't even touch. Sam here, he's my brother...

Sam: Dean! Shut up!

Dean: I'm trying. He's psychic, kinda like you. Well, not really like you, but see he thinks you're a murderer and he's afraid that he's gonna become one himself because you're all part of something that's terrible and I hope to hell that he's wrong, but I'm starting to get a little scared that he might be right.

[After the boys determine Andy to be innocent, Andy and Sam are discussing their abilities]

Andy: You get these premonitions... of people about to die? [Sam nods] ...That's impossible.

Sam: A lot of people would say the same thing about what you do.

Andy: [Pause] But death visions?

Sam: Yeah.

Andy: Dude, that sucks. When I got my mind thing, it was like a gift, you know? It was, It was like I won the lotto.

Sam: But you still live in a van. I don't get it. I mean, you could have anything you ever wanted.

Andy: I...I have everything I need.

Sam: So, you're really not a killer, huh?

Andy: That's...That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Sam: That's good. It means there's hope for both of us.

Office Clerk: Probably shouldn't have let you kids in here...

Andy: No, it will all be fine. Just go get a cup of coffee, alright? 'These aren't the droids you're looking for.'

Dean: Awesome.

[Reviewing county birth records]

Sam: Andy, it's true. Holly Beckett was your birth mother.

Andy: Does anyone have a Vicodin?

Sam: Dr. Jennings was her doctor too... I mean, he oversaw the adoption. You have a solid connection to both of them.

Andy: Yeah, but I didn't kill them.

Dean: We believe you. But who did?

Sam: I think I've got a pretty good guess. Holly Beckett gave birth to twins.

Andy: [Holding his head, awestruck] I have an evil twin...

Sam: Dean, you should stay back.

Dean: No argument here. I've had my head screwed with enough for one day.

Andy: How did you do that?

Webber: Practice, bro. If you'd just practice, you would know. Sometimes, you don't need to use your words. If you have to, all you need is this. [He points to his head] Sometimes, the headache's worth it.

[Speaking with his "evil twin", Webber]

Andy: Are you really...Are you really this stupid? Is it...You you you learn you got a twin: You call him up, you...you go out for a drink! You don't start killing people!

Andy: Why did you kill our mother? And why, why Dr. Jennings?

Webber: Because they split us up! They ruined our lives, Andy! We could've been together this whole time, instead of alone. I...I couldn't, I couldn't let 'em do that, I couldn't let 'em get away with that. No.

Dean: That was mind control! That was…that's like being roofied, man. It doesn't count.

Sam: What?

Dean: I call do-over.

Sam: What are you, 7?

Ellen: You mind your tone with me, boy. This isn't just your war, this is war. Now, something big and bad is coming, and it's coming fast, and their side holds all the cards. Now, at best, all we've got is us, together. No secrets or half-truths here.

Dean: Who knows how many of them are really out there?

Ellen: Jo, honey?

Jo: Yeah?

Ellen: You'd better break out the whiskey instead.

Dean: Young girl's been kidnapped by an evil cult.

Sam: Yeah. Girl got a name?

Dean: Katie Holmes.

Sam: That's funny... and for you, so bitchy.

Dean: We rarely drink before 10, anyway.

Jo: [impatiently holds out a case file] Take it, it won't bite.

Dean: No, but your mom might.

Dean: That's ectoplasm. Well, Sam, I think I know what we're dealing with here. [beat] It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Dean: What the hell are you doing here?

Jo: There you are, honey. [She walks over to him and puts her arm around his waist.] This is my boyfriend, Dean, and his buddy, Sam.

Ed: [shaking their hands] Good to meet you. Quite a gal you've got here.

Dean: Oh, yeah, she's a pistol. [He chuckles.]

Jo: So, did you already check out the apartment? [He doesn't answer.] The one for rent?

Dean: Y-yeah, yes. Loved it. Great flow.

Ed: How'd you get in?

Dean: It was open.

Jo: Now, Ed, uh, when did the last tenant move out?

Ed: Oh, about a month ago. Cut and run, too. Stiffed me for the rent.

Jo: [laughing] Well, her loss, our gain. 'Cause if Dean-o loves it, that's good enough for me.

Dean: Oh, sweetie. [He hits her on the back.]

Jo: [handing Ed a wad of cash] We'll take it.

Dean: Hunters don't tip that well.

Jo: Well they aren't that good at poker either.

[Dean passing back and forth behind Jo and Jo twirling a knife in her hands]

Jo:(to Dean) Would you sit down please?!

(Dean after an annoyed look sits down)

Dean: (after saying something to Jo) Would you put the knife down?!

Jo: So you gonna buy me dinner?

Dean: What are you talking about?

Jo: It's just if you're gonna ride me this close, it's only decent you buy me dinner.

Dean: Oh, that's hilarious.

Dean: Jo, you've got options. No one in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me on this when I was so young, I wish I could do something else.

Jo: You love the job.

Dean: Yeah, but I'm a little twisted.

Jo: You don't think I'm a little twisted, too?

Dean: Jo, you've got a mother that worries about you, who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don't throw things like that away. They might be hard to find later.

Dean: Ah! Should have cleaned the pipes.

Jo: What?

Dean: Uh, just wish the pipes were clean.

Jo: [elbows Dean] Shut up!

Dean: (answers the phone) Yeah.

Ellen: You lied to me. She's there.

Dean: Ellen.

Ellen: No, Ash told me everything. The man's a genius, but he folds like a cheap suit. Now you put my damn daughter on the phone.

Dean: She's gonna have to call you back, she taking care of... feminine business.

Ellen: Yeah, right. Where is she? Where is she?!

Dean: Look, we'll get her back.

Ellen: Get her back? Back from what?

Dean: The spirit we're hunting, it took her.

Ellen: Oh my God.

Dean: She'll be okay, I promise.

Ellen: You promise. That is not the first time I've heard that from a Winchester.

Jo: How do you like that? Pure iron, you creepy-ass son of a bitch!

Sam: So, this job as glamorous as you thought it would be?

Jo: Well, except for all the pee-your-pants terror, yeah, sure.

Jo: You ripped off a cement truck?

Dean: I'll give it back.

Jo: You can't keep me here!

Ellen: Don't you bet on it sweetheart!

Jo: Well, what are you going to do? You gonna chain me up in the basement?

Ellen: You know you've had worse ideas than that! Look you don't like it here? Fine! Go back to school!

Jo: I didn't belong there! I was a freak with a knife collection!

Ellen: Oh. Getting gutted of some dusty backroad! That's where you belong?

Jo: I...(goes to answer but sees Sam and Dean staring with mouths open)

Ellen: (turns and sees them) Guys, bad time!

Sam: Yes, Ma'am!

Dean: Yeah, we hardly drink before ten anyway!

Jo: (storms over to them) Wait! I want to know what they think about this!

Ellen: I don't care what they think!

Tourist 1: Hey are you guys open?

Ellen: (at the same time as Jo) Yes!

Jo: (at the same time as Ellen) No!

Tourist 1: We'll just try the Arville's down the road!

Sam: We saw the second-largest ball of twine in the continental U.S. Awesome.

Diana Ballard: Sam, you seem like a good kid. It's not your fault Dean's your brother. We can't pick our family.

Dean: What do you think, Scully, want to check it out?

Sam: I'm not Scully, you're Scully.

Dean: No, I'm Mulder. You're a red-headed woman.

Sam: Anthony Gyles' body was found right about here. (reads) "Throat slit so deep, part of his spinal cord was visible."

Dean: (whistles) What do you think? Vengeful spirit, underline "vengeful"?

Sam: Wow, I'd say we've officially crossed over into weird.

Jeff Krause: I'm with the public defender's office. I'm your lawyer.

Dean: Oh, thank God. I'm saved

Krause: Do you understand how serious these charges are?

Dean: I'm handcuffed to a table. Yeah, I get it. Humor me.

[Sam calls his public defender Matlock minutes after Dean gives him the same comment]

Krause: [surprised] You really are brothers, aren't you?

Dean: My name is Dean Winchester. I am an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. And I did not kill anyone.

Sheridan: You murdered them in cold blood just like that girl in St. Louis.

Dean: Oh, yeah, that wasn't me either. That was a shapeshifter creature that only looked like me.

Sheridan: Get up! (grabs Dean, pulls him to his feet, and slams him into the wall)

Ballard: Pete, that is enough!

Dean: You asked for the truth.

[Ballard comes in to Dean's interrogation room]

Dean: Can we make this quick? I'm a little tired. It's been a long day, you know, with your partner assaulting me and all.

Ballard: I wanna know more about that stuff you were talking about earlier.

Dean: Time Life. "Mysteries of the Unknown". Look it up.

Ballard: How did you get those? Those are from crime scenes and booking photos.

Sam: You have your job, I have mine.

Sam: This is bothering me.

Ballard: Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Sam: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

Dean: Pee break? So soon? I think you might wanna get your prostate checked.

Sheridan:(talking about Dean) We can pin the whole thing on him. Right? No trial, nothing, just, just one more dead scum bag.

Dean: Hey!

Ballard: Unless... I just happened to turn my back, you walked away, I could tell them the suspects escaped.

Sam: Wait, are you sure?

Dean: Yes, she's sure, Sam!

Sam: Nice lady.

Dean: Yeah, for a cop. Did she look familiar to you?

Sam: No, why?

Dean: I don't know. Anyway, are you hungry?

Sam: No.

Dean: For some reason, I could really go for some pea soup.

Sam: So much for a low profile. You've got a warrant in St. Louis, and now you're officially in the Feds' database.

Dean: Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something.

Sam: Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder. We've got to be more careful now.

Dean: Well, what have they got on you?

Sam: I'm sure they just...haven't posted it yet.

Dean: Wait - no accessory, nothing?

Sam: Shut up.

Dean: [laughs] You're jealous.

Sam: No, I'm not!

Dean: Uh-huh. All right, what have you got on the case there, you innocent, harmless, young man, you?

Sam: Whatever they are, they're big, nasty...

Dean: Yeah, I bet they could hump the crap out of your leg. Look at that one, huh? [chuckles] What? They could!

Sam: So?

Dean: The secretary's name is Carly. She's 23, she kayaks, and they're real.

Sam: You didn't happen to ask her if she's seen any black dogs lately, did you?

Dean: Every complaint called in this week about everything big, black or dog-like. There's 19 calls in all. And I don't know what this thing is.

Sam: You mean Carly's MySpace address?

Dean: Yeah, MySpace. What the hell is that? [Sam laughs] Seriously, is that, like, some sort of porn site?

Sam: We gotta find out if anyone else struck any bargains around here.

Dean: Great. So, we've got to clean up these people's mess for them? I mean, they're not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to play "Let's Make a Deal."

Sam: So, what, we should just leave them to die?

Dean: Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel, you gonna jump in and try to save them?

Dean: This house probably isn't up next on MTV Cribs, is it?

Sam: Yeah, so whatever kind of deal he made...

Dean: ...it wasn't for cash. Aw, who knows? Maybe his place is full of babes in Princess Leia bikinis.

Dean: So, what is that stuff out front?

George: Goofer dust. [Sam and Dean exchange a look.] Oh, you boys think you know somethin' about somethin' but not goofer dust? [He tosses a bag of the dust to Dean.]

Dean: Well, we know a little about a lot of things. Just enough to make us dangerous.

Dean: You did it to save her?

Evan: She had cancer, they had stopped treatment, they were moving her into hospice. They kept saying, "Matter of days." So, yeah, I made the deal. And I'd do it again. I'd have died for her on the spot.

Dean: Did you ever think about her in all this?

Evan: I did this for her.

Dean: You sure about that? I think you did it for yourself…so you wouldn't have to live without her. But, guess what, she's gonna have to live without you now. But what if she knew how much it cost? What if she knew it cost your soul? How do you think she'd feel?

Dean: So you know who I am.

Demon: I get the newsletter.

Demon: You're lucky I've got a soft spot for lost puppies and long faces.

[The Demon tries to convince Dean to sell his soul]

Dean: You think you could...throw in a set of steak knives?

[The Demon kisses Dean.]

Dean: What the hell was that for?

Demon: Sealing the deal.

Dean: You know, I usually like to be warned before I'm violated with demon tongue.

Dean: Shut your mouth, bitch.

Dean: How could he do it?

Sam: He did it for you.

Dean: Exactly. How am I supposed to live with that?

Sam: Hey Dean.

Dean: Yeah.

Sam: When you were trapping that demon, you weren't...I mean, it was all a trick, right? You never considered actually making that deal, right?

Dean: [doesn't answer]

Dean: Well, I'm sure I had a good reason.

Sam: I sure hope so.

Dean: What does that mean? [Sam doesn't answer.] Sam, I'm not gonna waste an innocent man. [No answer.] I wouldn't!

Sam: I never said you would!

Dean: Fine.

Sam: Fine. Look, we don't know what it is. But whatever it is, that guy in the chair's a part of it. So, let's find him and see what's what.

Dean: Fine.

Sam: Fine.

Sam: Did you pay any attention in history class?

Dean: Yeah. The shot heard 'round the world, how bills become laws…

Sam: That's not school! That's Schoolhouse Rock!

Dean: ...Whatever.

Dean: Line's dead. I'll tell you one thing – if I was gonna massacre a town, that'd be my first step.

Dean: That was kinda creepy, right? A little too Stepford?

Sam: Big time.

Sam: What do you think? Multiple demons? Mass possession?

Dean: If it is a possession, there could be more. God knows how many. It could be like a friggin' Shriner Convention.

Sam: Great.

Dean: 'Course, that's one way to wipe out a town. You take it from the inside.

Sam: I don't know, man. We didn't see any of the demon smoke with Tanner, or any of the other usual signs.

Dean: Well, whatever. I mean, something turned him into a monster. And you know, if you would have taken out the other one, there'd be one less to worry about.

Sam: I'm sorry, all right? I hesitated, Dean, it was a kid.

Dean: No, it was an "it". Not the best time for a bleeding heart, Sam.

Dean: I'm gonna go ahead and see if I can find some help. My partner'll stick around, keep you guys safe.

Doctor Lee: Safe from what?

Dean: We'll get back to you on that.

Man: Say, why don't you get out of the car and we'll talk a little.

Dean: Well, you are a handsome devil, but I don't swing that way, sorry.

(Dean and the Sergeant are both pointing guns at one another)

Sergeant: What's going on with everybody?

Dean: I don't know.

Sergeant: My neighbor... Mr. Rodgers, h-

Dean: You've got a neighbor named Mr. Rodgers?

Sergeant: Not anymore.

(Dean and the Sergeant are both in the Impala, and are staring and pointing handguns at one another, both suspecting that the other is infected with the virus)

Dean: Well this oughta be a relaxing drive.

Duane: Has anybody seen my mom and dad?

Dean: (has shot and killed both) Awkward.

Dean: For what? For him to Hulk out? Infect somebody else? No, thanks, can't take that chance. [Sam stops him from leaving.] Hey look, man, I'm not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job and you know that.

Sam: It's supposed to be tough, Dean! We're supposed to struggle with this, that's the whole point!

Dean: What does that buy us?

Sam: A clear conscience, for one.

Dean: It's too late for that.

Sam: What the hell has happened to you?

Dean: What?

Sam: You might kill an innocent man, and you don't even care! You don't act like yourself anymore, Dean. Hell, you know what? You're acting like one of those things out there.

Dean: Mm-hmm. [He pushes Sam out of his way. He leaves the room, locking the door behind him.]

Dean: Doctor, check his wound again, would you? [She doesn't move.] Doctor!

Sergeant: What does she need to examine it for? You saw what happened.

Doctor Lee: Did her blood actually enter your wound?

Sergeant: Come on, of course it did!

Dean: We don't know that for sure!

Duane: We can't take a chance!

Sergeant: You know what we have to do.

Dean: Nobody is shooting my brother

Duane: He's not gonna be your brother much longer. You said it yourself.

Dean: Nobody's shooting anybody.

Duane: You were gonna shoot me!

Dean: You will shut your pie hole, I still might!

Sam: Dean, they're right. I'm infected. Just give me the gun and I'll do it myself.

Dean: Forget it.

Sam: Dean, I'm not gonna become one of those things.

Dean: Sam, we've still got some time—

Sergeant: Time for what? Look, I understand he's your brother, and I'm sorry. I am. [He takes out his gun.] But I've gotta take care of this.

Dean: I'm gonna say this one time. You make a move on him, you'll be dead before you hit the ground, you understand me? Do I make myself clear?!

Sam: Dean!

Sergeant: Then what are we supposed to do?! [Dean pauses a long time before tossing his car keys to the Sergeant.]

Dean: Get the hell outta here, that's what. Take my car. You've got the explosives, there's an arsenal in there, you two go with them. You've got enough firepower to handle anything now.

Sergeant: What about you? [Dean gives him a knowing look.]

Sam: Dean, no. No. Go with them. This is your only chance.

Dean: No, you're not gonna get rid of me that easy.

Sergeant: He's right, man. Come with us! [Dean gives him another look.] Okay, here's your funeral. [The two of them leave. Dr. Lee goes to leave also.]

Dean: Actually, we're not really marshals.

Doctor Lee: [looks wearily from Sam to Dean] Okay.

Dean: I wish we had a deck of cards or a foosball table or something.

Sam: Dean, don't do this. Just get the hell out of here.

Dean: No way.

Sam: Give me my gun…and leave.

Dean: For the last time, Sam no.

Sam: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Dean: I don't know about that. Remember that waitress in Tampa? (shudders)

Sam: Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you.

Dean: No?

Sam: No, you can keep going.

Dean: Who says I want to?

Sam: What? [Dean sits down and pauses before talking.]

Dean: I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life. This weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it.

Sam: So, what? So, you're just gonna give up? I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know the stuff with Dad had—

Dean: You're wrong. It's not about that. I mean, part of it is, sure, but—

Sam: What is it about?

Dean: I don't know, man. I just think maybe we oughta…go to the Grand Canyon.

Sam: What?

Dean: Yeah, you know, all this driving back and forth, cross-country. You know I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Or we could go to T.J. Or Hollywood, see if we can bang Lindsay Lohan.

Sam: Dean, you're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit.

Dean: I can't I promised.

Sam: Who?

Dean: Dad.

Sam: What are you talking about?

Dean: Right before dad died, he told me something. He told me something about you.

Sam: What? Dean, what did he tell you?

Dean: Before Dad died he… he told me something. Something about you.

Sam: What? Dean, what did he tell you?

Dean: He said that he…he wanted me to watch out for you. Take care of you.

Sam: He told you that a million times.

Dean: No, this time was different. He said that I had to…save you.

Sam: Save me from what?

Dean: He just said that I had to save you. Nothing else mattered. And if I couldn't, I'd…

Sam: You'd what, Dean?

Dean: I'd have to kill you. [Sam looks at him, confused.] He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy.

Sam: Kill me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Dean: I don't know.

Sam: I mean, he must've had some kind of reason for saying it, right? Did he know the demon's plans for me? Am I supposed to go dark-side or something?! What else did he say, Dean

Dean: Nothing. That's it, I swear.

Sam: How could you not have told me this?!

Dean: Because it was dad and he begged me not to.

Sam: Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself, Dean! You had no right to keep this from me!

Dean: You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth! And I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming in my head all day!

Sam: [after a long pause] We've just gotta figure out what's going on then, what the hell all this means.

Dean: We do? I've been thinking about this, I think we should just lay low, you know? At least for a while. It'd be safer. And that way, I could make sure…

Sam: What? That I don't turn evil? That I don't turn into some kind of killer?

Dean: I never said that.

Sam: Jeez, if you're not careful, you will have to waste me one day, Dean.

Dean: I never said that! Damn it, Sam, this whole thing is spinning out of control! Alright? You're immune to some weirdo demon virus, and I don't even know what the hell anymore. And you're pissed at me, and I get it. That's fine, I deserve it. But we lay low until we figure out our next move, okay?

Sam: Forget it.

Dean: Sam, please, man. [He grabs Sam's shoulder] Hey, please. Just give me some time. Give me some time to think, okay, I'm begging you here. Please…please. [Sam nods]

Ash: And one other name, Scott Kerry.

Sam: What, you got an address?

Ash: Kinda. The Arbor Hills Cemetery in Lafayette, Indiana. Plot 486.

Ellen: Now, Dean, they say you can't protect your loved ones forever. Well, I say screw that- what else is family for?

Ava: [to Sam] Why can't you just leave town, please? Before you blow up!

[Sam passes in front of the window on the building's edge]

Ava: Holy crap!

Shrink: What? [looks behind]

Ava: [to shrink] Uh, I just remembered, when I was a kid I swallowed, like, 8 things of pop rocks and then drank a whole can of coke. You don't think that that counts as a suicide attempt, do you?

Sam: You okay?

Ava: Am I okay?

Ava: I just helped you steal some dead guy's confidential psych files. I'm AWESOME!

Dean: [seeing Sam through motel window] Thank God you're okay. [sees Ava with Sam] Oh, you're better than okay. Sam, you sly dog!

Sam: These are .223 Caliber, subsonic rounds, the guy must've put a suppressor on the rifle.

Ava: Dude, who are you?

Sam: I ah...I just I...I just watch a lot of TJ Hooker.

Dean: [over the phone] Just got here myself. It's a real funky town. You ditched me Sammy!

Sam: Yeah, I'm sorry. Look, right now there's someone after me.

Dean: Wha- Who?

Sam: I don't know, that's what we've gotta find out. Where are you?

Dean: I'm staying at 5637 Monroe Street, why don't you meet me here?

Sam: Yeah, sure.

Gordon: [to Dean] Now was that so hard?

Dean: Bite me.

Ava: What is it?

Sam: My brother's in trouble.

Ava: What?

Sam: He gave me a codeword. Someone's got a gun on him.

Ava: Codeword?

Sam: Yeah. Funkytown. (beat) Well, he thought of it. It's kind of a . . .long story. I ... come on.

Gordon: What, you think this is revenge?

Dean: Well we did leave you tied up in your own mess for three days. [snickers] Which was awesome. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh.

Dean: Well, you son of a bitch.

Gordon: (slaps him) That's my momma you're talking about.

Dean: [chuckles] This is a whole new level of moronic, even for you.

Dean: Come on, man, I know Sam, okay, better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do. The guy feels guilty surfing the Internet for porn.

Dean: [off screen the chair he's sitting on breaks] I'M FREE!

Gordon: Do it. Do it! Show your brother the killer you really are, Sammy.

[Sam slugs him]

Sam: It's Sam.

[cops pull up and arrest Gordon]

Sam: Anonymous tip.

Dean: You're a fine, upstanding citizen, Sam.

Dean: Well, Gordon should be reaching for the soap for the next few years at least.

Dean: Dude, you ever take off like that again...

Sam: What? You'd kill me?

Dean: That is so not funny.

Sam: All right, so where to next, man?

Dean: One word, Amsterdam.

Sam: Dean!

Dean: Come on, man. I hear the coffee shops don't even serve coffee

Sam: Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean I ran all the way to California, and look what happened. You can't run from this. And you can't protect me.

Dean: I can try.

Sam: Thanks for that.

Sam: So if you really want to watch my back, I guess you're going to have to stick around.

Dean: Bitch.

Sam: Jerk.

Sam: We've gotta save as many people as we can.

Dean: Wow, that attitude is just way too healthy for me. I'm officially uncomfortable now. Thank you.

Dean: Dude, this is sweet! I never get to work jobs like this.

Sam: Like what?

Dean: Old-school haunted houses. You know: fog, secret passageways, sissy British accents. We might even get to run into Fred and Daphne while we're inside. Mmm, Daphne...love her.

Susan: Well, congratulations. You could be some of our final guests.

Dean: That sounds vaguely ominous.

Susan: Let me guess. You guys are here antiquing?

Dean: How'd you know?

Susan: Oh, you just look the type. So, uh, a king-size bed?

Sam: What?! No, uh no, we're... Two singles. We're just brothers.

Susan: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Dean: What'd you mean that we look the type?

Dean: Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?

Sam: Well, you are kind of butch. They probably think you're overcompensating.

Dean: (uncomfortable chuckle) Right.

Dean: Hey, are those antique dolls? 'Cause this one, this one here, he's got a major doll collection back home. (grins at Sam) Don't ya? Huh?

Sam: (reluctantly) Big time.

Dean: Big time. Yeah, you think he could come…well, we could come in and take a look?

Susan: I don't know…

Dean: Please? I mean he loves them. He's not gonna tell you this, but he's always dressing 'em up in these little tiny outfits and I mean, you'd make his day. She would, huh? Huh?

Sam: (glaring at Dean) It's true.

Dean: Wow! This is a lotta dolls. Er, they're nice, they're not super-creepy at all...

Sam: You're bossy.

Dean: What?

Sam: You're bossy... and short. (laughs)

Dean: Are you drunk?

Sam: Yeah! So? ...stupid.

Sam: (Leaning over the toilet) I can still taste the Tequila.

Dean: You know there's a really good hangover remedy, it's a greasy pork sandwich served up in a dirty ashtray.

Sam: (groaning) I hate you.

Dean: I know you do.

Dean: Hey, it turns out when Grandma Rose was a tyke, she had a Creole nanny who wore a hoodoo necklace.

Sam: So you think she taught Rose hoodoo?

Dean: Yes I do.

Sam: All right. (gets up from toilet bowl, sighing heavily) I think it's time that we talked to Rose then.

Dean: (groans in disgust) You can brush your teeth first.

Dean: You know, she could be faking.

Sam: Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick? (Dean nods) Dude, you are not gonna poke her with a stick!

Susan: What the hell happened out there?

Dean: You want the truth?

Susan: Of course.

Dean: Well at first we thought it was some kind of hoodoo curse. But that out there, was definitely a spirit.

Susan: You're insane.

Dean: That's been said.

Susan: I don't believe this.

Dean: Listen, sister, that car didn't try to run you down by itself, okay? I mean I guess it did, technically, but if a spirit can... forget it.

Tyler: I don't like it up here! I'm scared!

Maggie: It's okay, all you have to do is jump!

Tyler: (voice breaking) I can't swim!

Maggie: I know! But it won't hurt...I promise! And then we can be together and no-one will bother us!

Tyler: Why can't you just come with me and Mommy?

Maggie: Because I cam't leave here! (firmly) And you can't leave me! (sees her sad face then says softer) Please? I don't want to be alone!

Dean: Feels good to get back in the saddle, doesn't it?

Sam: Yeah. Yeah, it does. But it doesn't change what we talked about last night, Dean.

Dean: (evasive) We talked about a lotta things last night.

Sam: You know what I mean.

Dean: You were wasted.

Sam: But you weren't. And you promised.

Dean: Well, thanks, Frannie, I think that's all I need.

Frannie: Really? I mean, 'cause I've got more. You know, if you wanted to interview me... some time, in private...?

Dean: Yeah... Yeah, I think that's a good idea. You're a true patriot, you really are. Why don't you write your number down there for me, that'd be good.

Dean: Frigging cops.

Sam: They're just doing their job.

Dean: No, they're doing our job. Only they don't know it, so they suck at it.

Ronald: The thing I let into the bank... wasn't Juan. I mean, it had his face, but it wasn't his face. Ah, every detail was perfect but too perfect, you know, like i-if a dollmaker made it, like I was talking to a big Juan doll.

Sam: A Juan doll?

Ronald: Part man, part machine. Like the Terminator but the kind that can change itself. Make itself look like other people.

Dean: Like from T2.

Ronald: Exactly. See, so not not just a robot. More of a-a-a-a ''mandroid''.

Sam: A mandroid?

Dean: Man, that has got to be the kicker, straight up. I mean, you tell that poor son of a bitch that - - Wh-what did you say ? Remand the tapes he copied? Classified evidence of an ongoing investigation? That's messed up.

Sam: What, are you pissed at me or something?

Dean: No, I just think it's creepy how good of a fed you are. I mean come on, we could at least thrown the guy a bone. He did some pretty good legwork here.

Sam: [laugh] Mandroid?

Dean: Except for the mandroid part. I liked him. He's not that different from you and me. People think we're crazy.

Sam: Yeah, except he's not a hunter Dean. He's just a guy who stumbled onto something real. If he went up against this, he'd get torn apart. Better to stay in the dark and stay alive.

Dean: Yeah, I guess.

Sam: Shapeshifter. Just like back at St. Louis. Same retinal reaction to video.

Dean: Eyes flare at the camera. I hate those freaking things.

Sam: You think I don't?

Dean: Well yeah, but one didn't turn into you and frame you for murder.

Dean: I like him [the security guard], he says 'okey-dokey'.

Sam: What if he's the shifter?

Dean: Well, then we follow him home, put a silver bullet in his chest.

Dean: Looks like Mr. Okey-dokey is... okey-dokey.

Ronald: This is not a robbery! Everybody on the floor, now!

Dean: And you said we shouldn't bring guns.

Sam: I didn't know this was gonna happen, Dean.

Dean: Yeah, just let me do the talking. I don't think he likes you very much, Agent Johnson.

Ronald: I knew it. As soon as you two left. You ain't FBI. Who are you? Who are you working for, huh? The Men in Black? You working for the mandroid ?

Sam: We're not working for the mandroid.

Ronald: You shut up! I ain't talking to you, I don't like you!

Sam: Fair enough.

Dean: I'm not just gonna walk in here naked!

Sherri: (about Dean) Who is that man?

Sam: He's my brother.

Sherri: He is so brave! (Sam rolls eyes)

Ronald: It's so weird. Its robot skin is so lifelike.

Dean: Okay, let's get something straight. It's-it's not a mandroid. It's a shape-shifter.

Ronald: Shape-shifter?

Dean: Yeah. It's human. More or less. Has human drives, you know. In this case, it's money. But it generates its own skin. It can- it can shape it to match someone else's features. You know. Tall or short or male - -

Ronald: So, it kills someone and takes their place?

Dean: Kills 'em, doesn't kill 'em. I don't think it matters. [Taking a knife on the desk.]

Ronald: What are you doing?

Dean: Nice. Remember the old werewolf stories? Pretty much came from these guys. Silver is the only thing I've seen that hurts them. Come on, Ronald.

Dean: Are you nuts?

Ronald: That's just it, I'm not nuts. I mean, I was so scared that I was losing my marbles, but this is real! I mean, I was right! Except for the mandroid thing, thank you.

Dean: Yeah, don't mention it.

(Dean opens vault where hostages are being hidden)

Sherri: Oh my god! You saved us. You saved us!

Dean: Actually, I just found a few more. C'mon everybody, let's go, let's go. (pushes more hostages in)

Dean:Ron! Out of the light.

Police Officer: Crap.

Lt. Robarts: What?

Police Officer: The Feds are here.

Lt. Robarts: Ah crap.

Lt. Robarts: (about the Feds taking over the situation) Let me guess. You're lead dog now, but you would just love my full cooperation.

Hendrickson: I don't give a rat's ass what you do. You can go get a doughnut and bang your wife for all I care.

Hendrickson:: [on the phone, in the command center] This is Special Agent Victor Hendrickson.

Dean: Yeah, listen, I'm not really in the negotiating mood right now.

Hendrickson: Good. Me neither.

Dean: So-

Hendrickson:It's my job to bring you in; alive's a bonus but not necessary.

Dean: Whoa. That's kinda harsh for a Federal Agent, don't you think?

Hendrickson: Well, you're not the typical suspect, are you, Dean? [Dean looks horrified] I want you and Sam out here, unarmed. Or we come in. And yes, I know about Sam, too. Bonnie to your Clyde.

Dean: Yeah, well, that part's true, but how'd you even know we were here?

Hendrickson: Go screw yourself, that's how I knew. It's become my job to know about you, Dean. I've been looking for you for weeks now. I know about the murder in St. Louis, I know about the Houdini act you pulled in Baltimore. I know about the desecrations and the thefts. I know about your dad.

Dean: [darkly] Hey, you don't know crap about my dad.

Hendrickson: Ex-marine, raised his kids on the road, cheap motels, backwood cabins. Real paramilitary survivalist type. I just can't get a handle on what type of whacko he was. White supremacist, Timmy McVeigh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

Dean: You got no right talking about my dad like that. He was a hero.

Hendrickson: Yeah. Right. Sure sounds like it. You have one hour to make a decision or we come through those doors full automatic.

Dean: [pounds his forehead in frustration as he hangs up the phone.]

Dean: Is that community theater or are you naturally that good?

Dean: We are so screwed.

Sam: So, no disturbances lately?

Gloria: You mean am I stark raving cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

Sam: And this angel…

Gloria: Spoke God's word.

Sam: And the word was… to kill someone?

Dean: Man, you gotta to try this because there really is magic in the magic fingers.

Sam: Dean. You're enjoying that way too much. It's kinda making me uncomfortable.

Sam: She's living in a locked ward, and she's totally at peace.

Dean: Oh yeah, you're right. Sounds completely sane.

Dean: You know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns, too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams, and they shoot rainbows out of their ass!

Sam: Wait. There's no such thing as unicorns?

Dean: That's cute.

Dean: I'm just saying, man, there's some legends that you just...you file under "Bull Crap".

Sam: And you got angels on the "Bull Crap" list?

Dean: Yep.

Sam: Why?

Dean: Because I've never seen one.

Sam: So what?

Dean: So, I believe in what I can see.

Sam: Dean, you and I have seen things most people couldn't even dream about.

Dean: Exactly, with our own eyes. That's hard proof, okay? But in all this time, I have never seen anything that looks like an angel. And don't you think that if they existed, that we would have crossed paths with them, or at least know someone that crossed paths with them? No. This is a demon or a spirit. You know? they find people a few fries short of a Happy Meal and they trick them into killing these randoms.

Dean: Well, I think I learned a valuable lesson. Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year's, or you might get filleted by hooker from God. HA!

Sam: I'm laughing on the inside.

Dean: Did you bring quarters? (Sam glances at the timer)

Sam: Dude, I'm not enabling your sick habit. You're like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food button until it dies.

Dean: What are you talkin' about, I eat!

Father Reynolds: So, you're interested in joining parish?

Dean: Yeah, well you know, we just don't feel right unless we hit church every Sunday. So-

Father Reynolds: Where'd you say you lived before?

Sam: Uh...

Dean: (interrupting) Freedmont, Texas.

Father Reynolds: Really? That's a nice town. St. Theresa's parish. You must know the priest there.

Dean: Sure, yeah... no, it's Father... O'Malley.

Father Reynolds: I know a Father Shaughnessy.

Dean: Shaughnessy. Exactly...what did I say?

Dean: Look, I'll admit, I'm a bit of a skeptic. But since when are you all Mr. 700 Club? No, seriously, from the get-go, you've been willing to buy this angel crap, man. What's next, you're going to start praying everyday?

Sam: I do.

Dean: What?

Sam: I do pray everyday. I have for a long time.

Dean: Things you learn about a guy.

Sam: Dean, I saw an angel! (Dean offers him flask) I don't want a drink.

Sam: It appeared before me and I just... this feeling washed over me. You know? Like peace. Like grace.

Dean: Okay, ecstasy boy. Maybe we'll get you some glow sticks and a nice Dr. Seuss hat.

Sam: Dean, the angel hasn't been wrong yet! Someone's gonna do something awful, and I can stop it!

Dean: You know, you're supposed to be bad, too, Sam. Maybe, maybe I should just stop you right now.

Sam: You know what, Dean, I don't understand! Why can't you even consider the possibility?

Dean: What, that this is an angel?

Sam: Yes! Maybe we're hunting an angel here, and we should stop! Maybe this is God's will!

Dean: Okay, all right. You know what? I get it. You've got faith. That's-hey, good for you. I'm sure it makes things easier. I'll tell you who else had faith like that –- Mom. She used to tell me when she'd tuck me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me.

Sam: You never told me that.

Dean: What's to tell? She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power, there's no God. There's just chaos and violence and random, unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere. It rips you to shreds. So, you want me to believe in this stuff? I'm gonna need to see some hard proof. You got any?

Dean: We'll summon Gregory's spirit.

Sam: What? Here? In the church?

Dean: Yeah. You know, we just, we need a few odds and ends, and that séance ritual in Dad's journal.

Sam: Ha! A séance, great. I hope Whoopi's available.

Dean: If Father Gregory's spirit is around, the séance will bring him right to us. If it's him, then we'll put him to rest.

Sam: What if it's an angel? It won't show, nothing will happen.

Dean: Exactly. It's one of the perks of the job, Sam, we don't have to operate on faith. We can know for sure. Don't you want to know for sure?

Sam: Dude, all right, I'll admit, we've gone pretty ghetto with spell work before, but this takes the cake! I mean, a Spongebob placemat instead of an altar cloth?!

Dean: We'll just put it Spongebob-side down.

Father Reynolds: What are you doing? What is this?

Sam: Father, please, I can explain. Um... actually, maybe I can't. Um, this is, uh, a séance.

Father Reynolds: A séance? Young man, you are in a house of God!

Sam: It's based on early Christian rites if that helps any.

Father Reynolds: Enough! (grabs Sam's arm and starts leading him back to the main church) You're coming with me. (a bright light starts shining, behind them)

Father Reynolds: You are not an angel, Thomas. Men cannot be angels.

Father Reynolds: I prayed for God's help, not this. What you're doing is not God's will. Thou shalt not kill. That's the word of God.

Sam: I don't know, Dean, I just, uh... I wanted to believe so badly. It's so damned hard to do this, what we do. All alone, you know. And…there's so much evil out in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up…

Dean: Yeah, well, don't worry about that, all right? I'm watching out for you.

Sam: Yeah, I know you are. But you're just one person, Dean. And I needed to think that there was something else watching too, you know? Some higher power, some greater good. And that maybe I…

Dean: Maybe what?

Sam: Maybe I could be saved.

Sam: Dean, what did you see?

Dean: Maybe... God's will.

Sam: I don't think it's my blood.

Dean: Whose is it?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: Sam, what the hell happened?

Sam: Dean…I don't remember anything.

Sam: What'd you find out?

Dean: You checked in two days ago under the name Richard Sambora. Of course, I think the scariest part about this whole thing is the fact that you're a Bon Jovi fan.

(referring to an old, beat-up VW bug)

Dean: Oh, please tell me you didn't steal this.

Dean: You getting any goose bumps yet? God-this-looks-familiar, déjà vu vibes?

Dean: This guy? (to Sam) You were drinking malt liquor?

Clerk: Not after he whipped the bottle at my friggin' head!

Dean: This guy?

Clerk: Wh-what, am I speaking Urdu?...

Clerk: Why don't you ask him?

Dean: 'Cause I'm asking you. Now, please, you'd be doing me a huge favor, okay?

Clerk: Oh, do you a favor? Well, that is what I live for.

Dean: You saw him (Sam) smoking?

Clerk: Yeah, guy's a chimney.

Dean: What's going on with you, Sam? Hm? 'Cause smoking, throwing bottles at people –- I mean, that sounds more like me than you.

Dean: You never told me this.

Sam: I didn't want to scare you.

Dean: Well, bang up job on that.

Dean: No one can control you but you.

Sam: It sure doesn't seem like that, Dean. It feels like no matter what I do, slowly but surely, I'm-I'm just becoming—

Dean: What?

Sam: Who I'm meant to be. I mean, you said it once yourself, Dean. I've gotta face up to who I am.

Dean: I didn't mean this!

Sam: But it's still true! You know that! Dad knew that, too! That's why he told you if it ever came to this—

Dean: Shut up, Sam!

Sam: Dean, you promised him. You promised me.

Dean: No. Listen to me. We're gonna figure this out, okay? I mean, there's gotta be a way, right?

Sam: Yeah, there is. [He takes his gun from his bag and holds it out to Dean.] I don't wanna hurt anyone else. I don't wanna hurt you.

Dean: You won't. Whatever this is…you can fight it.

Sam: No. I can't. Not forever. [He begins to tear up.] Here, you've gotta do it. [He puts the gun in Dean's hand]

Dean: You know, I've tried so hard to keep you safe.

Sam: I know. [Dean pauses for a long time, looking at the gun.]

Dean: I can't. [beat] I'd rather die. [He drops the gun on the floor.]

Sam: No. You'll live. [He picks up a second gun and turns to Dean.] You'll live to regret this. [He knocks Dean out with the gun and leaves the room.]

Manager: It's past checkout and I've got a couple here who needs a room.

Dean: (looks at hooker and customer in hall) Yeah, I bet they do.

Dean: (talking on the phone) Hi, so sorry to bother you but, my son snuck out of the house last night and went to a Justin Timberlake concert.. What?.. yeah.. Justin is quite the triple threat.

Sam: (sing-song to Jo) My daddy shot your daddy in the head.

Dean: Sam!

Sam: I begged you to stop me, Dean!

Dean: Put the knife down, damn it!

Sam: I told you, I can't fight it! My head feels like it's on fire, all right?! Dean, kill me, or I'm gonna kill her! Please! You'd be doing me a favor. Shoot me. Shoot me! [Dean pauses a long time, ready to shoot.]

Dean: No, Sammy, come on. [He lowers the gun.]

Sam: What the hell is wrong with you, Dean? Are you that scared of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die?!

Dean: Why didn't you kill me? You had a dozen chances.

Meg possessing Sam: Naw, that would have been too easy. Where's the fun in that? See, this was a test. I wanted to see if I could push you far enough to waste Sam. Should've known you wouldn't have the sack. Anyway, fun's over now.

Meg possessing Sam: One look at Sam's dewy, sensitive eyes, they'll let me right in their door.

Dean: I'll call you later, okay? (leaves)

Jo: No, you won't.

Bobby: Where's Dean?

Meg possessing Sam: Holed up somewhere with a girl and a twelve-pack.

Bobby: Yeah? Is she pretty?

Meg possessing Sam: You ask me, he's in way over his head.

Bobby: Don't try and con a con man

Meg possessing Sam: Dean, back from the dead. Getting to be a regular thing for you, isn't it? Like a cockroach.

Dean: How 'bout I smack that smartass right outta your mouth?

Meg possessing Sam: Oh, careful now. Wouldn't wanna bruise this fine packaging.

Meg possessing Sam: Sam's still my meat puppet. I'll make him bite off his tongue.

Dean: No, you won't be in him long enough. Bobby? [Bobby starts chanting an exorcism] See, whatever bitch-boy master plan you demons are cooking up –- [Sam screams in pain] –- you're not getting Sam. You understand me? 'Cause I'm gonna kill every one of you first.

Meg possessing Sam: You really think that's what this is about? The master plan? I don't give a rat's ass about the master plan.

Meg possessing Sam: You know, when people wanna describe the worst possible thing, they say, "It's like hell." [He punches Dean.] Well, there's a reason for that. Hell is like –- [he punches Dean again] - well, it's like hell. Even for demons. [Another punch.] It's a prison made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. [Another punch.] And you sent me back there.

Dean: Meg.

Meg possessing Sam: No. Not anymore. Now, I'm Sam. [Another punch.] By the way –- [he grabs Dean's shoulder, where Dean has a very tender bullet wound] –- I saw your dad there. He says, "Howdy." All that I had to hold onto was that I would climb out one day, and that I was gonna torture you, nice and slow. Like pulling the wings off an insect. But whatever I do to you, it's nothing compared to what you do to yourself, is it? I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your dad. And deep down…you know that you can't save your brother. They'd have been better off without you.

Dean: Sammy...

Sam: (demon had just left Sam's body): Did I miss anything?

(Dean punches him)

Sam: By the way, you really look like crap, Dean.

Dean: Yeah, right back at ya.

Bobby: Here, take these.

Sam: What are they?

Bobby: Charms. They'll fend off possession. That demon's still out there. This'll stop it from getting back up in ya.

Dean: That sounds vaguely dirty, but er, thanks.

Dean: You OK?

Sam: [doesn't answer]

Dean: Sam? Is that you in there?

Sam: No matter what I did, you wouldn't shoot.

Dean: It was the right move, Sam. It wasn't you.

Sam: Yeah, this time. What about next time?

Dean: Sam, when Dad told me... that I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you.

Dean: [starts to laugh]

Sam: What?

Dean: [continues to laugh] Nothing.

Sam: Dean! What!?

Dean: Dude, you [chuckles] you like full on had a girl up inside of you for like a week. [both laugh]That's pretty naughty.

Sam: Dude you mind not eating those on my bed?

Dean: No, I don't mind. How's the research going?

Sam: You know how it's going? Slow. You know how it would go a heck of a lot faster? If I had my computer.

Dean: Mm.

Sam: Can you turn that down, please?

Dean: Yeah, absolutely. [He raises the volume louder.]

Sam: You know what? Maybe you should just go somewhere for a while, huh?

Dean: [turning the music off] Hey, I'd love to. That's a great idea. Unfortunately, my car's all screwed to hell.

Jen: So now she haunts the building, and anyone who sees her… they don't live to tell the tale.

Curtis: Well, if no one lives to tell the tale, then how does the tale get told?

Dean: Woah, woah, woah, woah... hold on a minute!

Sam: What?

Dean: C'mon dude, that's not how it happened!

Sam: No? So you never drank a purple nurple?

Dean: Yeah maybe that, but I don't say things like "fiesty little wildcat" and her name wasn't Starla.

Sam: Then what was it?

Dean: (pauses) I don't know... but she was a classy chick. She was a grad student. Anthropology and folklore. We were talking about local ghost stories.

Starla: My God, you are attractive!

Dean: Thanks. But no time for that now. You need to tell me about this urban legend. Please? Lives are at stake.

Starla: [staring at Dean] I'm sorry, I just… I can't even concentrate. It's like staring…into the sun.

Sam: Dean. this is a very serious investigation. We don't have time for any of your blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah... blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah!

Bobby: You're bickering like an old married couple.

Dean: No, see, married couples can get divorced. Me and him? We're like, Siamese twins.

Sam: [angry] It's conjoined twins.

Dean: See what I mean?

Trickster: Mr. Morality here, he brought a lot of girls up here. Got more ass than a toilet seat.

Sam: Dude... were you on my computer?

Dean: ...no...

Sam: Oh really? 'Cause it's frozen now, on...uh ?

Sam:Dean! Would you just –- don't touch my stuff anymore, okay?

Dean: Why don't you control your OCD?

Dean: You've gotta give those Purple Nurples a shot!

Curtis: They did tests on me, and um…[he takes a shot] –- they, uh…they probed me. [Dean and Sam try not to laugh.]

Dean: They probed you?

Curtis: Yeah. They probed me. Again and again and again and –- [takes a shot] –- and again and again and again and then one more time.

Dean: [deadpan] Yikes.

Curtis: And that's not even the worst of it.

Dean: How could it get any worse? Some alien made you his bitch!

Curtis: They… they made me…slow dance!

Sam: I'm telling you, Dean. This was made by some kind of jet engine.

Dean: What? You mean some saucer-shaped jet engine?

Sam: Look, man, I know this all has to be so hard.

Frat Boy: Um, not so much...

Sam: But I want you to know…I'm here for you. You brave little soldier! I acknowledge your pain. C'mere… [hugs frat boy] You're too precious for this world!

(cuts back to Sam and Dean telling the story to Bobby)

Sam: I never said that!

Dean: You're always saying pansy stuff like that.

Dean: These punishments, they're almost poetic. Well, actually they'd be more like a limerick, but still…

Dean: Why would I take your computer?

Sam: Because no one else could have, Dean. We keep the door locked, we never let any maids in.

Dean: [smirking] Looks like you lost it, Poindexter.

Sam: Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you.

Dean: What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around!

Sam: Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink? Your food in the fridge?

Dean: What's wrong with my food?

Sam: It's not food any more, Dean! It's Darwinism!

Dean: [to himself] I like it.

Sam: How would you feel if I screwed with the Impala?

Dean: It'd be the last thing you ever did.

Bobby: Did you take his computer?

Dean: It serves him right, but no.

Sam: Well, I didn't lose it. 'Cause I don't lose things.

Dean: Oh, that's right. Yeah, 'cause he's Mister Perfect.

Dean: This couldn't get any weirder.

Sam: Yeah, maybe we should get some help. I'll call Bobby. Maybe he's run into something like this before.

Dean: Oh, I'm sure he has. It's just your typical haunted campus, alien abduction, alligator-in-the-sewer gig. Yeah, it's simple.

Sam: Hey, give me back my money.

Dean: Oh, no. No. Consider it reparations for emotional trauma.

Sam: Yeah, very funny. Now give it back. [He tries to grab it, but Dean swipes it away.]

Dean: No.

Sam: Dean, I have had it up to here with you.

Dean: Yeah, right back at ya.

[Sam tries again to grab the money, but Dean keeps it out of reach. Sam keeps grabbing until they both fall onto the bed, wrestling for the money.]

Dean: Get off me!

Sam: Give it back!

Bobby: I'm surprised at you two. I really am. Sam, first off –- Dean did not steal your computer.

Sam: But I—

Bobby: Shh! And Dean, Sam did not touch your car.

Sam: Yeah!

Bobby: And if you two bothered to pull your heads out of your asses, it all would've been pretty clear.

Dean: What?

Bobby: What you're dealing with.

Sam: Uh…

Dean: I've got nothing.

Sam: Me neither.

Bobby: You've got a Trickster on your hands.

Dean: [snapping his fingers] That's what I thought.

Sam: What? No, you didn't!

Dean: Look man, I gotta tell you, I dig your style, Alright. I mean, I do. I mean… phew! And the, uh, the slow dancing alien...

Trickster: One of my personal favorites.

Sam: Look, Dean, um, I just wanna say, that I'm, uh...um...

Dean: Hey... me too.

Bobby: You guys are breaking my heart. Can we please just leave?!

Molly: Isn't this argument a little archaic? Men can ask directions these days.

David: No we can't. It's against our genetic code.

Dean: Did he look like he... lost a fight with a lawnmower?

Molly: How did you know that?

Dean: Lucky guess.

Sam: It wasn't a coincidence that we found you, all right.

Molly: What are you talking about?

Dean: We weren't just cruisin' for chicks when we ran into you, sister, we were already out here... hunting.

Molly: Hunting for what?

Dean: (pauses) Ghosts.

Sam: (sarcastically) Don't sugarcoat it for her.

Dean: Follow the creepy brick road.

Dean: You know, just once I'd like to round the corner and see a nice house.

Molly: I don't understand how a guy like this can turn into that monster.

Sam: Well, spirits like Greely are like wounded animals. Lost... in so much pain they... that they lash out.

Molly: Why? Why are they here?

Sam: There's some part of them that... that's keeping them here. Like their remains, or unfinished business.

Molly: Unfinished business?

Sam: Yeah. It could be revenge. It could be love, or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped. Caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over.

Molly: You sound almost sorry for them.

Sam: Well, they weren't evil people, you know. A lot of them were good, just something happened to them. Something they couldn't control.

Dean: Sammy's always gettin' a little J. Love Hewitt when it comes to this. Me, I don't like 'em. And I'm sure as hell ain't makin' apologies for 'em.

Dean: It smells like old lady in here.[after seeing the corpse] And that would explain why.

Sam: It's an old country custom, Dean, planting a tree as a grave marker.

Dean: [Pauses] You're like a walking encyclopedia of weirdness.

Sam: Yeah, I know.

Molly: [after Dean saves her from Greely] Oh, thank God!

Dean: Call me Dean.

Sam: Dean, I don't think she knows she's dead.

Sam: Look if you wanna go in there, we're not gonna stop you.

Dean: Yeah, but you are gonna freak him right out.. for life.

Dean: I guess she wasn't so bad. For a ghost. You think she's really going to a better place?

Sam: I hope so.

Dean: I guess we'll never know. Not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?

Sam: It doesn't really matter, Dean. Hope's kind of the whole point.

Dean: Well alright, Haley Joel, let's hit the road.

Dean: And the lunar cycles?

Sam: Uh-huh. Yeah, month after month all the murders happen in the week leading up to the full moon.

Dean: Which is this week, right?

Sam: Hence the lawyer.

Dean: Awesome.

Sam: Dean, could you be a bigger geek about this?

Dean: I'm sorry man, but what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids.

Sam: Okay, Sparky. And you know what? After we kill it, we can go to Disneyland!

[The Brothers are interviewing Madison about her boss]

Madison: You got a few scotches in him and he started hitting on anyone in a five mile radius. You know the type.

Sam: [glances at Dean] Yeah, I do.

[The Brothers are checking Madison's boyfriend's apartment]

Sam: Anything?

Dean: Nah, nothin' but leftovers and a six-pack.

Sam: Check the freezer. Maybe there's some human hearts behind the Haagen Daz or something.

Dean: You go after the creepy ex. I'm gonna hang here with the hot chick.

Sam: Dude, why do you get always get to hang out with the girls?

Dean: Because I'm older.

Sam: No, screw that. We settle this the old fashion way. [They do rock, paper, scissors. Dean chooses scissors and loses.] Dean always with the scissors.

Dean: Shut up, shut up. Two out of three! [They do rock paper scissors again and Dean chooses scissors and loses again.]

[Sam and Madison have just finished watching a few episodes of All My Children, which Sam seems to be enthralled with]

Sam: Wait, so, so Kendall married Ethan's father just to get back at him?

Madison: Yup and now she's set to inherit all the casinos that were supposed to go to Ethan.

Sam: What a bitch!

[At a strip club]

Dean: I found him.

Sam: Good?! Don't take your eyes off of him.

[Dean takes a glance past the stripper whose dancing in front of him to Madison's ex-boyfriend. Then he looks back at the stripper.]

Dean: Oh yeah, my eyes are glued.

Dean: [Walks in and sees Madison tied to a chair.] How you doing? My head feels great, thanks.

Sam: She says she has no idea what I'm talking about.

Dean: She's lying.

Sam: Or maybe she really doesn't know she's changing, you know? Maybe...maybe when the creature takes over, she blacks out.

Dean: Like a really hot Incredible Hulk. Come on dude, she ganked her boss and her ex-boyfriend. That doesn't sound rash and unconscious.

Sam: Yeah, but what if it was Dean? I mean, what if some animal part of her brain saw both of those guys as threats? Hell the cop, too.

Dean: What are you the dog whisperer now?

Madison: You know for a stake out, your car's a bit conspicuous. What are you still doing here?

Dean: Honestly? Ah...We're pretty sure you're not gonna turn tonight, but we gotta be 100%. So...You know, we're...lurking.

Dean: Sammy, check it out. It's Matt Damon.

Sam: Yeah, pretty sure that's not Matt Damon.

Dean: No, it is.

Sam: Well, Matt Damon just picked up a broom and started sweeping.

Dean: Yeah, well he's probably researching a role or something.

Sam: They're saying the set's haunted.

Dean: Like Poltergeist?

Sam: It could be a poltergeist.

Dean: No, no, no, the movie Poltergeist... You know nothing of your cultural heritage, do you?

Dean: What's a PA?

Sam: I think they're kinda like slaves.

McG: Marty, what do you think?

Martin: Not married to salt, what do you want? We still sticking with condiments?

McG: Just sounds different, not better. What else would a ghost be scared of?

Walter Dixon: Aww, ya gotta be kidding me.

Martin: [Aside] What would a ghost be scared of?

Martin: Maybe shotguns.

McG: K, that makes even less sense than salt.

Dean: This map is totally worth the five bucks. Hey, we gotta go check out Joey Ramone's grave when we're done.

Sam: You wanna dig him up too?

Dean: Bite your tongue, heathen.

Sam: You know, maybe the spirits are trying to shut down the movie because they think it sucks. 'Cause, I mean, it kinda does.

Martin: (after Dean saves his life) You are one hell of a P.A.

Dean: (Imitating John McClane) Come out to the coast. We'll get together. Have a few laughs.

Tara: (after Dean leaves her trailer) You're one hell of a P.A.

Dean: (Taking a mug shot photo) I call this one my Blue Steel.

Dean: Well it's about time. I'll have a cheeseburger...extra onions.

Hendrickson: You think you're funny.

Dean: I think I'm adorable.

Dean: (walking into the prison) Don't worry, Sam. I promise I won't trade you for smokes.

Sam: (asking about Mark Moody, the guy Dean consider to be the ghost) You're sure it's him?

Dean: Pretty sure.

Sam: Dean, considering our circumstances I'm gonna need a little bit better than 'pretty sure'.

Dean: Really pretty sure.

Criminal: Are you talking to me? I said are you talking to me?

Dean: Oh great, another guy who's seen Taxi Driver one to many times.

Dean: I said I wish I had a baseball. You know, like Steve McQueen.

Lucas: Yeah? Well, I wish I had a bat. So to bash your freaking head in.

Dean: Yeah. So much for the bonding solitary moment.

Randall: Why're you inside kid?

Sam: Cause I got an idiot for a brother.

Randall: That'll do it.

Dean: (after winning a poker game and collecting the won cigarettes) It's like picking low hanging fruit.

Sam: You don't even smoke.

Dean: Are you kidding me? It's the currency of the realm.

Dean: How we gonna get in?

Sam: I got a plan.

Dean: That's the Sammy I know. Come on, man, you're like Clint Eastwood from 'Escape from Alcatraz'.

Sam: The problem is even if we do find something, how are we gonna burn it? We don't have any accelerant.

Dean: It's a good thing I'm like James Garner from 'The Great Escape'. (continues collecting the cigarettes)

Dean: (asking about Sam's distracting attention plan) Are you sure about this?

Sam: "Pretty sure."

Dean: "Considering the circumstances I'd like a little better than 'pretty sure'."

Sam: "Okay... really pretty sure"

Dean: (lining for noodles) I'd like mine al dente.

Dean: Save room for dessert, Tiny, hehehe. Hey, I'd wanna ask you, 'cos I couldn't help but notice that you are two tons of fun. Just curious, is it like thyroid problem or is this some deep seeded self-esteem issue? 'Cause you know, they're just donuts, they're not love.

Dean: (Talking about a guy who was killed) Poor Tiny, man. Poor giant Tiny.

(After Dean tells Sam that the ghost chased after him.)

Sam: Dean, does it bother you at all how easily you seem to fit in here?

Dean: No, not really.

Deacon: (breaking up Sam and Dean's fight, grabs Dean) Alright, hard case, I see the usual methods ain't gonna work with you. (throws Dean at another guard who handcuffs him, grabs Sam by his collar) You too, sweetheart.

Dean: (receiving letter from the lawyer) Would you look at that? I am freaking velvety smooth.

Sam: You maybe wanna open it up after, you know, you're done slapping yourself on the back?

Dean: (after finding Impala outside the prison) Oh man, are you a sight for sore eyes.

Sam: I thought we were screwed before.

Dean: Yeah, yeah, I know, we gotta go deep this time.

Sam: Deep? Dean, we should go to Yemen!

Dean: I'm not sure I'm ready to go that deep

Sam: Dean?

Dean: Sam.

Sam: What's going on?

Dean: I don't know. I don't know where I am.

Sam: What? What happened?

Dean: The Djinn, it.. it attacked me.

Sam: The Gin? You're drinking Gin?

Professor: Well, I don't think I've seen you in my class before.

Dean: Are you kiddn' me? I love your lectures. You... [thinks, grinning] ... you make learning fun.

[repeated line to Dean] Have you been drinking?

(Sam, his mother, Professor, Carmen)

Dean: How did I end up with such a cool chick?

Carmen: I just got low standards.

Dean: We don't? Well, we should. I mean, you're my brother.

Sam: You're my brother?

Dean: Yeah!

Sam: You know, that's what you said when you snaked my ATM card, or when you bailed on my graduation, or when you hooked up with Rachel Nayv.

Dean: Who?

Sam: Uh, my prom date. On prom night.

Dean: [under his breath] Yeah, that does kinda sound like me.

Dean: I'm dating a nurse. That is so...respectable.

Dean: [to his Dad's grave] So go hunt the Djinn. It put you here, it could put you back. Your happiness for all these people's lives. No contest. Right? But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life, Sammy's not supposed to get married.. Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? It's [long pause] yeah.. [walks away]

Dean: [Sam hears someone downstairs and goes looking with a baseball bat. Dean puts him down] That was so easy, I'm embarrassed for you.

Dean: Bitch.

Sam: What are you calling me a bitch for?

Dean: You're supposed to say Jerk.

Sam: What?

Dean: ... never mind.

Sam: I thought it was supposed to be this perfect fantasy.

Dean: It wasn't. It was just a wish. I wished for Mom to live. Mom never died, we never went hunting and you and me just never... ya know.

Sam: Well, I'm glad we do.

Dean: Don't forget the extra onions this time!

Sam: Dude, I'm the one who's gonna have to ride in the car with your extra onions.

Dean: Hey, see if they've got any pie. Bring me some pie. Love me some pie.

Sam: I have visions. I see things before they happen.

Ava: Yeah. Me, too.

Andy: Yeah, and I can put thoughts into people's heads. Like, make them do stuff. Oh, but don't worry, I don't think it works on you guys. Oh, but get this - I've been practicing. Training my brain, like meditation. Right? So now, it's not just thoughts I can beam out, but images, too. Like, anything I want. It's just like: Bam! They see it. This one guy I know - total dick, right? I used it on him: gay porn. All hours of the day. [laughs] It was just like...you should have seen the look on his face.

Jake: Salt is a weapon?

Sam: It's a brave new world.

Andy: (reading Dean's receipt) D. Hasselhoff?

Sam: Yeah. It's Dean's signature. It's hard to explain.

Dean: (just had a vision) That was about as fun as getting kicked in the jewels.

Sam: I thought we were supposed to be...

Azazel: Soldiers? In the coming war? That's true. You are. But here's the thing. I don't need soldiers. I need... soldier. I just need the one.

Azazel: (To Sam) You're though, you're smart, you're well-trained; thanks to your daddy. Sam, Sammy, you're my favourite!"

Sam: What about my mom?

Azazel: That was bad luck.

Sam: Bad luck?

Azazel: She walked in... on us, wrong place wrong time.

Sam: What does that mean?

Azazel: It wasn't about her, it was about you, its always been about you.

Dean: (to Sam as he's dying, seeing the wound) Look at me. It's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, alright? Sammy? Sam! Hey! Listen to me. We're going to patch you up, okay? You'll be as good as new. Huh? I'm gonna take care of you? I'm going to take care of you; I've got you, that's my job, right? Watch after my pain in the ass little brother. (realizes Sam is already dead) Sam? Sam? Sam?! Sammy?! No. No, no, no, no. Oh no come on. Oh God. (pulls Sam's body against his and yells) SAM!

Bobby: I gotta admit, I could use your help. Something big is going down... End-of-the-world-big...

Dean: [shouting] Well, then let it end!

Azazel: Howdy, Jake.

Jake: I - I'm dreaming, aren't I.

Azazel: I got a genius on my hands. Well congratulations, Jake, you're it. Last man standing. The American Idol. I have to admit, you weren't the horse I was bettin' on. But still, I gotta give it to you.

Jake: [scared] Go... to hell.

Azazel: Been there. Done that.

Dean: [to Sammy, before going to Crossroads] You know, when we were little, you couldn't have been more than five, you'd just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom; why do we always have to move around; where'd Dad go.. when he'd take off for days at a time. I remember I begged you, quit askin' Sammy, man, you don't wanna know. I just wanted you to be a kid. Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you, keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. This was always my responsibility, you know. It's like, I had one job. I had one job. And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy... God... What am I supposed to do? [screams] What am I supposed to do?

Bobby: (about Sam being alive) What did you do? [Dean doesn't answer, Bobby grabs and shakes him] What did you do? You made a deal for Sam didn't you? How long did they give you?

Dean: Bobby...

Bobby: How long!

Dean: One year.

Bobby: Damn it, Dean!

Dean: Which is why we gotta find this yellow-eyed son of a bitch. Its why I'm gonna kill him myself. I mean,I got nothing to lose now, right?

Bobby: [grabs Dean again] I could throttle you!

Dean: What? And send me downstairs ahead of schedule?

Azazel: [to Dean] How certain are you that what you brought back is 100% pure Sam? You of all people should know that: "What's dead should stay dead."

Azazel: [about to kill Dean with the Colt] I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family!

[The spirit of John Winchester appears and overpowers Azazel long enough for Dean to retrieve the Colt and kill him with it. Dean and Sam share an emotional moment with their father before he disappears]

Sam: [Standing over Azazel's dead body] I kinda can't believe it Dean. I mean, our whole lives, everything, has been prepping for this. And now I...I kinda don't know what to say.

Dean: I do. [to Azazel's body] That was for our ma, you son of a bitch!

Sam: How long do you get?

Dean: One year. I get one year.

Sam: You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?

Dean: Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to look out for you. That's my job!

Sam: And what do you think my job is?

Dean: What?

Sam: You save my life! Over and over! Man, you sacrifice everything for me! Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

Dean: [Drops the spent Colt in the trunk] We got work to do.


	22. Chapter 22 The Slide Natural

My name is Barry Allen. And I am the fastest man alive. When I was a child I saw my mother killed by something impossible. My father went to prison for her murder. Then an accident made me the impossible. To the outside world I am an ordinary forensic scientist, but secretly I use my speed to fight crime and find others like me. And one day, I'll find who killed my mother and get justice for my father. I am the Flash.

Quinn Mallory: [season one monologue/opening] What if you could find brand new worlds right here on Earth? Where anything is possible. Same planet, different dimension. I've found the gateway.

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: The answer to the question is U-4, not U2, Mr. Bennish! [pointing to Conrad Bennish, Jr., who was listening to noisy music without paying any attention to the class].

[The Sliders arrive on an ice world after having unknowingly picked up Rembrandt Brown driving his car]

Proffessor Maximilan Arturo: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I think I've just seen God and I could've sworn he was driving a Cadilac!

[after Prof. Maximilian Arturo found out that he is a Citizen General in a world where Soviet Russia rules America]

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: Always a leader of men, no matter what the circumstances.

Rembrandt "Crying Man" Brown: This guy, Q-ball, he's got this, like, gizmo, which sucked up my Caddie into a worm-hole — that's this kinda freaked-out limbo land that sits between Earth's One, Two and Three. So when we got to Earth Two, this big, albino tornado, man, came hammering down on us...

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: Biology is for those who don't have the maths for real science.

Proffesor Mazimilian Arturo: Mr. Bennish, if we survive this I will devote my life to finding the gene that makes you so obnoxious and I will destroy it!

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: Mr. Bennish, appalling as this thought may be, you and I are going to be spending a lot of time together.

Conrad Bennish, Jr.: No way, chief! I've got a girlfriend.

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: Don't be an idiot! You and I are going to make an atom bomb.

[A news anchor talks about the asteroid that is about to destroy life on Earth]

News Anchor: Around the globe, the world braced for the apocalypse with an unprecedented show of peace and amity. In Belfast, Ireland, Catholics and Protestants shared a morning of prayer [footage of both groups praying together]. Elsewhere, in Bosnia-Herzegovina, the six-month truce between Serbs and Muslims continued to hold [footage of both groups hanging along]. Not so in the occupied West Bank, however, where Israelis and Palestinians greeted the second-to-last day with renewed violence [footage of both groups fighting each other].

[after Prof. Maximilian Arturo was forced to slide just as he realized his stolen atom bomb plans were stolen from him]

Conrad Bennish Jr.: Anybody messes with us now...

[turns on loud music]

Conrad Bennish Jr.: ...boom!

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is because God doesn't trust the British in the dark.

[The Prince reads the copy of the Bill of Rights the Sliders wrote for him and then the part Rembrandt added]

The Prince: And James Brown is hearby acknowledged as the Godfather of Soul.

[The Prince and the rebel leader look at each other in confusion]

Prince and Rebel Leader: [together] Who's James Brown?

Quinn Mallory: [pointing at the recurring character of his usually long haired, sunglasses wearing college friend, whose double in this world is a business suit wearing Republican] Look, Professor, it's Bennish.

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: My God. And I can actually see his ears.

Rembrandt "Crying Man" Brown: How much did he win by?

Wade Welles: I don't know. What difference does it make?

Rembrandt "Crying Man" Brown: It makes a big difference, girl! I got Harvard plugged to points!

Wade Welles: You bet on a game that you don't understand?

[Short pause]

Wade Welles: You are an idiot!

The Gambler: If you won't do it you'll be MORAS MAXIMA.

Quinn Mallory: What?!

The Gambler: MORAS, MORTIS, DEAD!

[Quinn says something in Latin to the Gamblers and FBI before Sliding]

FBI Agent: What did he say?

Gambler: "So long suckers!"

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: [after being mistaken for Luciano Pavarotti several times] I am not Mr. Pavarotti! Mr. Pavarotti is an Italian. He speaka likea this. Do I speaka likea this? No. Why? Because I am an Englishman, you blistering idiot!

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: That which is beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful.

Quinn: This is newsprint. How do you divide?

Fire: I have never divided.

Quinn: You stay connected with the other flames?

Fire: I am always one. What they know, I know.

Quinn: Alright, this is wood and graphite.

Fire: Oh I like wood...

Quinn: Listen, there's something important I have to talk about.

Fire: Yes?

Quinn: Very soon, we might be leaving this place and we might have to take you with us.

Fire: I like it here. There is much to burn.

Quinn: If you stay, they will try and destroy you every time you feed. If you survive, you'll only do so by destroying things that we humans care about, and hurting people like me. And one day, all the food will be gone.

Fire: I have decided I will go back where you found me.

Quinn: I'm sorry, I don't know how to get you there.

Fire: I do.

Quinn: Oh, you do. I wish you could tell me how to get home.

Fire: Home?

Quinn: It's a place where we'd like to go someday. It's where we started.

Fire: Where you like to burn?

Quinn: Sort of.

Fire: If you release me in your journey, I will find a way.

Quinn: But.. how?

Fire: Photon solar wave propulsion, and timeslip dimensional access.

Quinn: Come again?

Quinn: You're controlling the television!

Quinn: You can transmit signal waves?

Fire: You do not?

Quinn: No!

Fire: Why have you taken this limited life form?

Quinn: I didn't have a choice.. you did?

[Knock at the door]

Quinn: Go away! We're spraying for cockroaches.

[Rickman sees the wormhole at the edge of the cliff]

Rickman: Not without me! [Rickman jumps for the wormhole, but it closes and he falls screaming to his death at the bottom of the cliff]

Prof. Maximilian Arturo: That which is beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful.

Quinn: This is newsprint. How do you divide?

Fire: I have never divided.

Quinn: You stay connected with the other flames?

Fire: I am always one. What they know, I know.

Quinn: Alright, this is wood and graphite.

Fire: Oh I like wood...

Quinn: Listen, there's something important I have to talk about.

Fire: Yes?

Quinn: Very soon, we might be leaving this place and we might have to take you with us.

Fire: I like it here. There is much to burn.

Quinn: If you stay, they will try and destroy you every time you feed. If you survive, you'll only do so by destroying things that we humans care about, and hurting people like me. And one day, all the food will be gone.

Fire: I have decided I will go back where you found me.

Quinn: I'm sorry, I don't know how to get you there.

Fire: I do.

Quinn: Oh, you do. I wish you could tell me how to get home.

Fire: Home?

Quinn: It's a place where we'd like to go someday. It's where we started.

Fire: Where you like to burn?

Quinn: Sort of.

Fire: If you release me in your journey, I will find a way.

Quinn: But.. how?

Fire: Photon solar wave propulsion, and timeslip dimensional access.

Quinn: Come again?

Quinn: You're controlling the television!

Quinn: You can transmit signal waves?

Fire: You do not?

Quinn: No!

Fire: Why have you taken this limited life form?

Quinn: I didn't have a choice.. you did?

[Knock at the door]

Quinn: Go away! We're spraying for cockroaches.

[Quinn learns the truth about his family from a microdot]

Quinn: I have a brother!

[Quinn, Maggie and Rembrant decide to leave Earth Prime in an attempt to save it]

Quinn: [to Earth Prime just before he leaves] We'll be back! You can count on it!

[Colin Mallory and Maggie Beckett are in a "re-orientation" compound, which resembles 1950's suburbia, they are medicated in a world that mandates it, Maggie has made an attempt at baking, Colin is trying one of her slightly burned cookies, he is attempting to feign enjoyment when eating the cookie]

Colin: Umm, Delicious.

Maggie: You don't like them.

Colin: I do.

Maggie: Colin, you be honest with me.

Colin: But you worked so hard on them, I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.

[Maggie stares into the view of the camera, thinking about what Colin said]

Maggie: I don't think you could, (shows her "Infuser", a medication dispenser that most on the world they're in are using) not while i'm wearing this thing.

Colin: Oh, I keep forgetting, another benefit of pharmacotherapy, well in that case, these are the worst cookies i've ever tasted!

[They both laugh in a mindless way]

[after Quinn, Rembrandt and Maggie finds out that the ghosts haunting the chandler hotel are really their doubles, a brit-punk rock singer Quinn "Howling Man" Mallory, an "exotic dancer" called Maggie Beckett and a Tweed clad version of Rembrandt Brown who is the group's version of Quinn, also with them are Colin Mallory and the manager's son, she is crying]

Matthew: Mom, don't cry, Colin said his brother's gonna get out out of here.

Quinn "Howling Man" Mallory: Well, he bloody well better, (holding up the timer) 'cause we've got your little timer, see, and brainiac told us that if you don't get it back before the numbers run down, you're gonna be right up it! (a la Austin Powers) YEAH, baby!

Alt-Rembrandt: Sorry, who thought he was paying attention.

Quinn Mallory: [trying to reclaim the audience's interest] Did I mention that I met my female double?

Barry Lipsitz: Oh! Did you have sex with her?!

[Quinn looks disgusted while the audience cheers]

[As Diana was about to enter the slide for the first time]

Maggie: The first step is easy. It's the last one you gotta look out for.

[Rembrandt has just finished explaining to one of the mental patients, Malcolm, why he has incited a riot]

Rembrandt Brown: Now if I could just find a neurosurgeon my day would be complete.

Malcolm: Wait! [Rembrandt stops and looks at him] I'm a neurosurgeon. [Rembrandt looks at him doubtfully] Honest!

[Rembrandt brings Malcolm to the other Sliders]

Rembrandt Brown: I've brought some help.

Mallory: He plays a fiddle with no strings!

Rembrandt Brown: Well he's also Doctor Malcolm White, creator of that device. [refering to the remapping device]

[The Sliders don't have the money to buy a Living Gem which they need to fix the timer so they plan to rob a jewlery store which Rembrandt disagrees with]

Rembrandt Brown: [To Maggie and Mallory] What do either of you know about knocking over a jewlery store anyway?

Mallory Well, actually...

Mallory: [last line of the series] What do we do now?

Capt. Maggie Beckett: Looks, brains, and he knows how to cook.

[After the Sliders have another hard landing on a concrete path in the middle of a park]

Prof. Maximilan Arturo: Soft landing there, hard path here and where do we land, unfailingly.

Barry: I wasn't the only one affected by the particle accelerator, was I?

Dr. Harrison Wells: We don't know for sure.

Barry: You said the city was safe. That there was no residual danger. But that's not true. So what really happened that night?

Wells: Well, the accelerator went active. We all felt like heroes and then... it all went wrong. A dimensional barrier ruptured unleashing unknown energies into our world. Anti-matter dark energy. X-elements.

Barry: Those are all theoretical.

Wells: And how theoretical are you?

[Barry uses Detective Chyre's pen to pick up fecal matter]

Det. Fred Chyre: My Dad gave me that pen before he died.

Barry: Sorry.

Wells: You can do this, Barry. You were right. I am responsible for all of this. So many people have been hurt because of me, and when I looked at you, all I saw was a potential victim of my hubris. And yes, I created this madness, but you, Barry, you can stop it. You can do this. Now, run, Barry, run!

Clyde Mardon: It's time to think big.

Barry: I'm dealing a lot right now.

Det. Joe West: Look, I know you are. Believe me, I'm dealing with it, too. I've always had a very simple set of beliefs. Gravity makes things fall. Water makes things wet. And up until a few weeks ago, I believed the fastest man could run a mile in four minutes. Not four seconds.

Barry: I could do it in three. [Pause] Not relevant.

Barry: Yeah, I might be in the suit doing all the running... but when I'm out there helping people, making a difference... you're all out there with me. Finally realized something, we were all struck by that lightning.

Barry: Joe, what I said to you about not being my father...

Joe: Barry, I know. I know I'm not your father.

Barry: You're right, you're not. You're just the man who kept me fed and in clothes, who sat by my bed every night until I fell asleep because I was afraid of the dark, helped me with my homework. You taught me how to drive, and shave... and you dropped me off to college. Sounds a lot like a dad to me.

Barry: [voice over] Every kid dreams about being a superhero. Having powers, saving people. But no kid thinks about what it's like to be a hero and not saving people. Truth is, not much else changes. You still hurt, you still love, you still wish and hope and fear things, and you still need people to help you with all of it. In some ways, that's the best part.

Simon Stagg: Wells. Who the hell let you in here?

Wells: You been having a party out there?

Simon: Well, I'm sure you saw on TV. Former employee of mine tried to kill me.

Wells: Former employee with the ability to replicate... faced off against a man who could move at super speed.

Simon: You've seen him too, haven't you?

Wells: Indeed I have.

Simon: Extraordinary. The power he possesses, it's like... it's like the gods of olds! Like Mercury on Earth! Could you imagine if you could control his power, if you could... if you could harness it, you could change what it means to be human. The man in the red mask is the key, and I'm gonna get him.

Wells: [takes off his glasses] The man in the red mask. He's called the Flash... or at least he will be one day. [stands up from his wheelchair]

Simon: What the hell...?

[Wells stabs Stagg in the stomach with a knife]

Wells: Forgive me, Simon. I worry that you will think this is personal, and it's not. It's just that the man in the red mask, the fastest man alive... he must be kept...

[draws his knife out of Simon's stomach, and he falls over dead]

Wells: ... safe.

Barry: It doesn't matter if you're the slowest kid in gym class or the fastest man alive, every one of us is running. Being alive means running; running from something; running to something or someone. And no matter how fast you are, there are some things you can't outrun; some things always manage to catch up to you.

Barry: [answers cell phone] Hello.

Cisco Ramon: Code 237 on Way Boulevard.

Barry: Public indecency?

Cisco: Wait, I think I meant a 239.

Barry: Dog leash violation?

Dr. Caitlin Snow: Bad man, with a gun, in a getaway car. Go!

Barry: My dad has spent 14 years in a six-by-eight foot cell for a crime he didn't commit. I couldn't save my mom, but I can save him.

Joe: Didn't I promise you that we would get your father out of prison, together?

Barry: I don't need your help Joe. I can be in and out of there with him before anyone even sees me.

Joe: Okay, you break him out of there, then what? He's on the run for the rest of his life. Something tells me he's not as fast as you are.

Barry: You don't know what it's like there.

Joe: You think I don't understand what you're feeling? I have been a cop for almost as long as you've been alive. So you should know, putting on that suit does not make everybody safe. For every person you save there's going to be someone you can't. And the hardest thing you're going to have to face is not some monster out there with powers. It's gonna be that feeling of uselessness when you can't do anything. Or the guilt that weighs on you when you make a mistake. Some things Barry, you can't fight. Some things, you just have to live with.

Barry: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, leaving like that.

Caitlin: It's okay, I get it, you had to go. It's just... that's the last thing Ronnie said to me that night.

Barry: My mother died 14 years ago. I used to think that the further away I got from it the less it would hurt, but some days the pain is worse than the day that it happened. Some things you can't fight.

Caitlin: For so long I've been terrified of going into that hole.

Barry: What if I went with you?

[They go down to the particle accelerator and Caitlin flashbacks]

Caitlin: He saved so many lives that day, and no one will ever know what he did.

Barry: I do. He was a hero.

Caitlin: I didn't want him to be a hero, I wanted him to be my husband.

Barry: Turns out no one can outrun pain. Life is tragedy, but it's also precious and sweet and extraordinary. And the only way I know to honor my mom's life is to keep running.

Leonard Snart: Once the armored car called 911 we had 182 seconds before any cop could be on the scene. No one could get there fast enough to stop us. But something did. And you lost your cool. You know the rules, we don't shoot guards or cops unless it's the only option. We don't need the heat.

Iris West: I am dating Eddie whether you like it or not.

Joe: Eddie's my partner.

Iris: I know.

Joe: But you don't. You're not a cop. You don't know what having a partner means. Wherever I go, he goes, and where I go isn't always safe, Iris. I need to be 100% focused. Now, there's a part of me who isn't focused, who doesn't see Eddie as my partner but as your boyfriend. So if he gets hurt, or worse, and I'm there? How am I gonna look at you? How are you gonna look at me? Now I'm not mad at you, but that's why this is so hard for me. Do you understand?

Barry: I mean, if you had just told me, I could have been prepared. But instead, someone died tonight.

Cisco: And I have to live with that.

Barry: No, Cisco, we all do

Felicity Smoak: Believe me. It took much more than seeing Oliver do the salmon ladder for me to trust him. I've seen first hand what this life can do to people. It's a lonely path. Don't make it any lonelier than it has to be.

Felicity: Remember when you told me you had a little experience, liking someone who didn't like you the same way? That was Iris, right?

Barry: How did you know?

Felicity: It's the little things. The way you linger on her when she isn't looking, the smile you fake to play the part. The quiet dreams you keep to yourself.

Barry: Like you and Oliver. Takes one to know one. I'm afraid it will change everything.

Felicity: It will, but maybe that's not such a bad thing? What is wrong with us? We are perfectly perfect for each other.

Barry: Yet we're sitting here pining for people we can't have. I guess what they say is true. Opposites do attract.

Barry: How often do you think about why your friends came into your life? Was it random? By design? Or maybe a little of both? Regardless of the reasons, some friends you just know are gonna be by your side for a while. Others, you're not so sure. And then there's that one friend who... well, you hope one day becomes something more, but friend will have to do for now. And that's okay, I guess.

Barry: Guys? I have a problem.

Cisco: We all do when guys like him exist.

Caitlin: [looking at Eddie] Yeah, he's so hot. Uh, I mean, genetically speaking. Because I'm a geneticist, of course. Oh, my God, do I sound like Felicity?

Barry: Don't ask.

Cisco: I'm gonna ask. Where's my suit?

Barry: It's... gone.

Cisco: What do you mean, it's gone? What did you do with my suit?

Barry: It blew up, dude. I managed to get out of it before it went "kaboom."

Cisco: My suit went "kaboom"?

Barry: Fun fact about Bette Sans Souci. She's not carrying bombs. She touched the emblem on the suit and turned it into a bomb. She's a meta-human.

Wells: With the ability to cause spontaneous combustion upon tactile contact.

Cisco: She blew up my suit.

Caitlin: You have, like, three more.

Cisco: Okay, I have two. And I loved that one.

Joe: So, human bomb. Must be Tuesday in Central City.

Caitlin: [to Barry] You can walk on water. Puts you in a pretty interesting company.

Iris: To understand what I'm about to tell you, you need to do something first, you need to believe in the impossible. Can you do that? Good. Because all of us, we've forgotten what miracles look like. Maybe because they haven't made much of an appearance lately. Our lives have become ordinary. But there is someone out there who is truly extraordinary. I don't know where you came from. I don't know your name. But I have seen you do the impossible to protect the city I love. So for those of us who believe in you and what you're doing, I just want to say thank you.

Wells: What exactly are we debating?

Cisco: The average number of bugs Barry swallows in a day of running.

Wells: I look forward to seeing you accept your Nobel.

Cisco: Dude, that had to feel great.

Barry: You have no idea.

Caitlin: Almost as proving me wrong about the supersonic punch?

Barry: Actually, that part hurt. Like, a lot.

Iris: I've been trying to get answers from him. Where does he come from? How does he do what he does? But he dodges everything. Literally, with this super-speed power. When he moves, Barry, you don't even see him. He comes and goes in the blink of an eye, in a...

Barry: Flash?

Iris: In a flash. Yeah.

Iris: Today, I was saved by the impossible. A mystery man. The fastest man alive. Then a friend gave me an idea for a new name, and something tells me it's gonna catch on.

Caitlin: You can't just lose your powers. Your DNA was transformed by the particle accelerator blast, OK? There's no way to un-transform DNA.

Barry: Tell that to the Uber driver that charged me sixty five bucks to take me here. I had to tell her I was coming from a cosplay party.

Barry: I haven't had my speed for very long, but now that it's gone it feels like part of me is gone too.

Caitlin: With or without your speed, you're still you Barry.

Barry: No I'm not. I'm not the best version of me. I love being The Flash. I love everything about it. The feeling of running hundreds of miles per hour. Wind and power just rushing past my face. Being able to help people. I'm not sure I can live without it Caitlin.

Barry: So why do you do what you do? Why get up in the morning?

Wells: Because I believe in a better future. One that I very much want to see. One that you are a part of. I might not very much care for people, Barry, but I care for you.

The Flash: I promise I'll never be late again.

Iris: My best friend is always saying that and he is always late.

The Flash: You're worth being on time for.

Wells: Subject has made a great leap forward, causing me to revise my initial thesis. I thought...I thought his attachment to people was a distraction, now I realize the opposite is true. Barry's attachment to people, the people he cares about, is actually key to getting him up to speed.

Oliver: Last month you took on a man named Leonard Snart.

Barry: We call him Captain Cold.

Oliver: We can talk about you giving your enemies silly code names later.

Barry: You mean like over coffee with Deathstroke and the Huntress?

Oliver: There's a difference, Barry, between having powers and having precision.

Barry: When I came here thinking about going out helping people, you said I could be an inspiration.

Oliver: Living this life... well, it takes more than a mask. It takes discipline. And since you are probably as stubborn as I am... [Oliver brings out his bow and arrow]

Barry: What is that for?

Oliver: You're going to run over there, you're gonna come back at me, and you're going to get hit with an arrow.

Barry: [laughs] No, I'm not.

Oliver: Yes, you are.

Barry: Okay. Fine. I will humor you. [runs up the field]

Barry: Ready?

Oliver: Ready.

[Oliver fires an arrow at Barry, he runs towards Oliver and catches it]

Barry: Nice try. [hidden arrows behind Barry strike him in his back] Gah! Ah! What, you shot me?

Oliver: I heard you heal fast. [Oliver pulls the arrows out of Barry's back]

Felicity: How did it go with Oliver?

Barry: You know, to be honest, not exactly the partnership I thought it would be.

Felicity: Did he really do the thing with the arrows?

Barry: [exasperated] You knew he was gonna shoot me?

Felicity: Well, it is practically impossible to tell when Oliver's making a joke.

Caitlin: Barry has super powers. Oliver has a bow and arrow.

John Diggle: Do you have any idea how many people Oliver has killed with that bow and arrow?

Cisco: Recurve bow arrows can travel up to 300 miles per second, so, like, 200 miles an hour. Barry can run three times that fast.

Diggle: Whatever. Oliver's been doing this a lot longer. My money's on experience.

Cisco: My money's on speed.

Felicity: Please tell me you're not actually having this conversation right now.

Oliver: There's one more thing and you're not going to like it.

Barry: Does it involve you shooting me in the back?

Oliver: No. No, the heart. [nods over at Iris] That's not going to work out for you. And you need to let her go, for both of your sakes. [Oliver and Barry look over at Felicity and Iris. Oliver turns back.] Guys like us don't get the girl.

Barry: Who are you?

Reverse-Flash: You know who I am, Barry.

Barry: I don't know who you are.

Reverse-Flash: But you do, Barry. We've been at this a long time, you and I, but I'm always one step ahead. It is your destiny to lose to me, Flash, just as it was your mother's destiny to die that night.

Joe: The witness described seeing a yellow blur. Just like the one that killed Barry's mother.

Cisco: Then we need to get cracking and stop this speed psycho. That - I wasn't trying to give him a name.

Reverse-Flash: Not fast enough, Flash.

Joe: There's only two boxes left.

Barry: You know, at this rate, we'll be finished by Easter.

Joe: Don't even... [Barry decorates the Christmas tree in super-speed] Okay, the only red-suited dude I want in this house right now is Kris Kringle, you got it?

Eddie Thawne: And the Flash. Do you know who he is?

Joe: Yeah, I do. He's the guy that saved both of our lives tonight.

Barry: My name is Barry Allen. I am not the fastest man alive. That title belongs to the man who killed my mother. But not for long.

Wells: Very impressive, Mr. Allen. Your reaction to stimuli at super speed continues to improve.

Barry: It's still not enough.

Wells: It will be. You keep working like you are, you stay focused like you are, and you will be ready the next time the man in the yellow suit comes around.

Cisco: I think you mean the Reverse-Flash. What? He said it, not me. And he's right. Yellow suit, red lighting, and evil - the reverse of Barry.

Caitlin: Meh.

Wells: Actually, I kind of like it.

Snart: This is what we came for.

Mick Rory: That's worth money.

Snart: It's called Fire and Ice. An abstract modern day masterpiece said to represent the dichotomy of being.

Mick: It represents to me that people with lots of money buy dumb stuff.

Mick: You're a friend of his, huh? He's fast... like fire. Fire, it's undefinable. Heat, light, energy. It's an evolution when things burn.

Caitlin: You're sick.

Mick: Maybe you're the sick ones. You ever think about that?

Caitlin: Not really.

Mick: Mm.

Caitlin: You have third-degree burns. Why didn't you get skin grafts?

Mick: The fire revealed my true self, showed me who I really am. I wonder what the Flash will reveal when I burn his suit and skin off.

Caitlin: Do whatever you want to me, but leave him alone.

Mick: Oh, okay. You and this Flash must be really close if you're willing to die for him, hmm? [grabs his flamethrower and points it at Caitlin] You want me to show him who you really are? That'd be really fun. Show you who you... really are.

Wells: So potentially, these two guns could cancel each other out.

Cisco: Yeah, but to do that, you'd have to make them cross streams.

Barry: You mean like Ghostbusters?

Cisco: That film is surprisingly scientifically accurate.

Wells: And really quite funny.

The Flash: It's over Rathaway.

Hartley Rathaway: You know my name. I know some names too. Caitlin Snow. Cisco Ramon. Harrison Wells. I can hear the radio waves emanating from your suit. About 1900 megahertz. Is that them on the other end, listening? Are they going to hear you die?

The Flash: No. They're gonna hear you get your ass kicked.

Barry: Who is Hartley Rathaway?

Wells: Hartley Rathaway is the prodigal son. And he has returned.

Barry: You guys never mentioned his name.

Caitlin: That's because Hartley had a challenging personality.

Cisco: Which she means is he was mostly a jerk. But, every once in a while, he could be a dick.

Wells: Hartley, allow me to introduce to you to Cisco Ramon. Mr. Ramon is one of the finest mechanical engineers I have ever seen.

Cisco: Wow. I can't believe Harrison Wells said that about me.

Wells: I'm sure he'll prove to be an invaluable member of your team. Trust me.

Hartley: You I trust. I don't foresee myself trusting someone who showed up his first day of work at a billion dollar research facility wearing a t-shirt that says "Keep Calm and Han Shot First".

Hartley: Well, well, well, the gang's all here. You've lasted a lot longer than I would've thought, Cisco.

Cisco: And you didn't last ten seconds against The Flash.

Hartley: I was thinking of calling myself Pied Piper.

Cisco: Hey! I decide the nicknames around here. [pause] Although that one's not bad.

Cisco: That was insane. I mean, I'm even having a hard time getting mad at you for dirtying up my suit.

Barry: Okay, when are we gonna start considering it my suit?

Cisco: I'd be more comfortable calling it our suit.

Barry: [under his breath] Our suit.

Cisco: [to Hartley] How can you speak six languages and sound like a dick in every one of them?

Caitlin: Cisco says I don't have a life.

Barry: You don't, do you?

Caitlin: I do! I cook and I eat and I read and I help you.

Barry: So what you saying is, you do everything that has nothing to do with having a life.

Caitlin: [smiling] You don't have to be rude about it.

Barry: Hey, I'm not doing any better than you. My social life consists of running at superhuman speed and Netflix.

Caitlin: We are quite the pair, Mr. Allen.

Barry: Yes, we are, Dr. Snow.

Barry: Every time I got close, she'd disappear. It was like we were playing a game of...

Caitlin: Peek-a-Boo. Come on, can't I name one?

Barry: Dad. If I was the Flash, don't you think that you'd be the first to know about it?

Henry Allen: Yeah. Well, if the Flash were my son, I'd tell him a few things. First off, I'd tell him it's a dangerous world, so be careful. Then I'd tell him he's a hero. And he's saving a lot of lives. But the most important thing for him to know, I feel, is that his father's proud of him.

Cisco: I'm not picking up anything, not even with the superlight.

Joe: Superlight?

Cisco: Technically, it's a multi-spectrum ultraviolet laser-enhanced scanner that detects molecular schisms in the 600 megavolt range, but I figured "superlight" was easier to say.

Cisco: Dr. Wells is a great man. I was nothing when he gave me a job, a chance to change my life. He has helped so many people. He's not a murderer!

Joe: Cisco, I'm a cop. I'm good at reading people, so I know I can trust you with my suspicion. When I go talk to the family and friends of a murder suspect, somebody I know is guilty, and I tell them the person they love is a killer, guess what they all say? "That's not the person I know."

Cisco: I think I'm done being a cop for today.

Dr. Martin Stein: I thought people your age didn't read actual books anymore.

Barry: Oh, I'm the only one.

Stein: [speaking through Ronnie's body] This body's taste buds would obviously be different from my own. Perhaps I'm now a light beer man.

Barry: There are worse things to be.

Stein: You mean like a living nuclear bomb?

Barry: You know.

Stein: Unstable nuclear fission was always a danger in the transmutation process. Plus, you all argue very loudly.

Stein: [speaking through Ronnie's body] You know, Einstein was not only brilliant, he had a great sense of humor. How did it go? "Any man who drives safely while kissing a pretty girl is not giving the pretty girl the attention she deserves." If I learned anything this past year, life's too short not to live.

Caitlin: Beta, Alpha, Theta, Delta - all your brain waves are perfectly in sync. The chances of that happening are next to impossible.

Barry: Impossible is just another Tuesday for us, remember?

Cisco: Yeah, but this is like some Twilight Zone level stuff. And I say that knowing full well that we have a guy locked up in our basement who can turn himself into poison gas.

Ronnie Raymond: Wait, really?

Cisco: Dude, that was like week three.

Cisco: Hey? You gonna miss being able to fly?

Ronnie: Yeah, maybe if I was the one holding the controller.

Stein: Meaning?

Ronnie: Meaning you weren't the most conscientiousness body-mate.

Stein: So you do not consider keeping you alive to be conscientiousness?

Ronnie: Alive? We were living under a bridge eating garbage.

Stein: I did not determine that it would be my mind that would dominate our existence, but thank God it was. I could feel your fear and panic, emotions that could have gotten us killed in that state.

Ronnie: You kept me buried down. You kept me from her.

Stein: Which is likely why she's still alive. Now I believe that you and I have spent quite enough time together.

Wells: You need to hurry, Barry's wounds are starting to heal with the fragments still under his skin.

Cisco: This is just like the time I stepped on a sea urchin. Only much worse.

Barry: Just don't pee on me.

Cisco: Uh, you know that's a myth, right?

Caitlin: I had Ronnie, and then I lost him. Then I found him again, but he wasn't actually Ronnie. Then I got him back but just for a day until I lost him again.

Cisco: You guys are like 10 seasons of Ross and Rachel, but just, like, smushed into one year.

{Reverse-Flash unmasks in front of Eiling, revealing himself to be Harrison Wells.]

General Wade Eiling: Harrison... You're one of them. A meta-human.

Wells: Yes, I am. And I protect my own.

[a growl is heard in the sewer]

Eiling: What was that?

Wells: Now, that... is an old friend of ours.

Gorilla Grodd: General...

Eiling: That... voice... It's in my head. Dear God.

Grodd: Not God. Grodd. [attacks Eiling]

Wells: While I am more than happy to spend an evening watching old movies with you, Cisco, do you not have your brother's dinner to attend?

Cisco: Yeah. I was gonna ask Caitlin to come with me, but then I got a much better idea.

Wells: Which was?

Cisco: To not go at all.

Caitlin: So Clyde Mardon has a brother?

Wells: And both brothers survived the plane crash, and then the dark matter released from the particle accelerator explosion affects them both in virtually the same way.

Barry: Yeah, only Mark's power seem to be a lot more precise. To be able to control the weather like that, indoors?

Cisco: You'd have to be a Weather Wizard. Ooh, I've been waiting since week one to use that one.

Barry: Actually, you know, I could use some advice.

Joe: About what?

Barry: Uh, you know, just relationship stuff.

Joe: Oh, you mean, like, that girl, Linda?

Barry: No, actually. With Iris. Things between us have gotten a little complicated... again.

Joe: [laughs] You're asking your adopted father for advice about being in love with his daughter, who just happened to be dating his partner?

Barry: I know, I know.

Joe: Things have gone way past complicated.

Wells: You're incredibly clever, Cisco. I've always said so.

Cisco: You're him. The Reverse-Flash.

Wells: You and I haven't been truly, properly introduced. I am Eobard Thawne.

Cisco: Thawne? Like Eddie.

Wells: Let's call him a distant relative.

Cisco: The night that we trapped the Reverse-Flash, you almost died. There were two of you.

[Wells uses his speed powers to create two images of himself.]

Wells: It's an after-image. A speed mirage, if you will.

Cisco: Joe was right. You were there that night, 15 years ago, in Barry's house. You killed Nora Allen.

Wells: It was never my intention to kill Nora. I was there to kill Barry.

Cisco: Why? You're his friend. You've been teaching him how to...

Wells: Go faster. I know. A means to an end. And I'll tell you why. Because I have been stuck here, marooned here, in this place for fif-teen long years. And the Flash, and the Flash's speed, is the key to my returning to my world. To my time. And no one is going to prevent that from happening.

Cisco: I can help you.

Wells: You're smart, Cisco. [starts vibrating his hand] But you're not that smart. Do you know how hard it has been to keep all of this from you, especially from you? Because the truth is, I've grown quite fond of you. And in many ways, you have shown me what it's like to have a son. [thrusts his vibrating hand into Cisco's chest] Forgive me. But to me, you've been dead for centuries. [removes his hand, and Cisco falls to the floor dead.]

Barry: [to Iris] I am sorry. I didn't want you to find out this way. [changes into The Flash]

Caitlin: What if I came with you?

Cisco: What? Seriously?

Caitlin: Absolutely. You've done so much for me. Let me be there for you for a change. And I can look at old family photo albums and see what little Cisco looks like without long hair.

Cisco: I'm rescinding your invite.

Wells: You ruptured the time continuum, didn't you? You're experiencing temporal reversion.

Barry: Yeah!

Wells: How long?

Barry: Uh, a day and some change. It's like I'm living it all over again.

Wells: Yeah, well, that's good. That means there's not too much you could've messed up yet. How did this happen?

Barry: I-I don't know. I mean, I was running faster than I've ever ran, and the first time that I lived this day some really horrible things happened. There was a tidal wave and...

Wells: No. Do not tell me. I don't want to know anything about the future you experienced. Nothing!

Barry: Okay, but Dr. Wells, I...

Wells: Barry. Time is an extremely fragile construct. Any deviation, no matter how small, could result in a cataclysm. Now here's what you're going to do. Everything you did before. Every word you uttered, every step you took, you're going to do again. And you're not going to tell anyone this happened.

Joe: So when were you planning on telling me you took down Mardon?

Barry: I-I just haven't a chance yet.

Joe: You got sidetracked, you mean?

Barry: No, Joe, you can't be mad.

Joe: I'm not mad. But I'm curious. I mean, you were acting so weird at the crime scene.

Barry: I always act weird.

Joe: Okay. Weird-er

Wells: Do you have any idea what you've just done?

Barry: Yeah, I do. I just saved a lot of lives.

Wells: I warned you not to mess with the timeline.

Barry: Dr. Wells, if you would just tell you what was gonna happen, you'd understand why I did this.

Wells: What tragedy you think you've just averted, time will find a way to replace it and trust me, Barry, the next one could be much worse.

Snart: It's time for you and your family to pack up. Leave town. Retire to warmer climates. Finito.

Frank Santini: And if we don't?

Snart: You will all freeze.

Mick: Or burn.

Wells: Hey, Joe. Is Barry doing all right? He seems cranky.

Joe: Even The Flash wakes up on the wrong side of the bed some mornings. He's fine.

James Jesse: How many died?

Joe: No one, luckily.

James: You know, when I was free and at my height, a day without casualties was like - well, like the Cubs winning the pennant - it just never happened.

Axel Walker: There's just one thing I've been dying to ask. Why did you choose me?

James: Because I knew you had the strength to fulfill my legacy. Besides, it was in your blood.

Axel: Wait. What do you mean in - in my blood?

James: The real reason I tracked you down and groomed you to be the best you could possibly be, Axel - I am your father.

James: Well, hello. You know, I've been in prison for 20 years.

Iris: Then you'll know the routine when you get sent back.

Wells: Listen to me, Barry. Breathe. Breathe. Feel the air. Feel that wind on your face. Feel the ground, your feet lifting you up, pushing you forward, and the lightning - Barry, feel the lightning. Feel its power. It's electricity pumping through your veins, crackling through you, traveling to every nerve in your body, like a shock. You're no longer you now. You're part of something greater. You're a part of a speed-force. It's yours. Now do it.

Wells: What exactly are we waiting for, Ms. Smoak?

Felicity: Up there.

Caitlin: Is that a bird?

Cisco: It's a plane.

Felicity: It's my boyfriend.

Felicity: What is wrong with you? Is everyone in Central City in a bad mood? I thought Central City was supposed to be the fun one.

Barry: Another bee attack. Folston Tech.

Eddie: I'll see where Joe is.

Felicity: Bee careful.

Barry: For real?

Felicity: Bad pun, Sorry. Just don't die.

Felicity: It is so fun to watch grown men play with their toys.

Caitlin: You're so lucky. Ray's so nice and smart and hot.

Felicity: Yeah, it's kind of like I'm dating Barry but in Oliver's body. A sentence you will never repeat to anyone.

Caitlin: Your secret's safe with me.

Caitlin: I don't understand. What do Dr. Wells and The Reverse-Flash have to do with each other?

Barry: Um... They're the same person.

Caitlin: That's impossible.

Barry: Look, Caitlin, it took me a long time too, but it's him.

Caitlin: Dr. Wells is a speedster? He's paralyzed.

Joe: Is he, though?

Caitlin: And why would he kill Barry's mother? It doesn't make any sense. Cisco. Say something.

Cisco: I've been having these dreams. Mostly at night, but sometimes during the day. But they don't feel like dreams. They... they feel real.

Barry: What happens in the dream?

Cisco: Dr. Wells is The Reverse-Flash. And... he kills me.

Barry: I'm getting faster, faster than I've ever been, and I wonder if it's because lately something's chasing me. I know what it is that's stalking me. It's my past. It's getting closer, and as fast as I am, I can't help but feel like my past has almost caught up with me.

Eddie: Where's Barry?

Joe: He should be here any second. I sent him out for...

Barry: [superspeeds into the house] Pizza!

Cisco: What?

Eddie: From Coast City?

Barry: Supposedly the best in the west.

Cisco: Why didn't I think of this before? Come to papa.

Cisco: How do you know Barry? Are you guys, like, friends or something?

Laurel Lance: Not really. We met last time he was in Starling City visiting my friends. John Diggle, Felicity Smoak, and Oliver Queen.

Cisco: Three people who absolutely have nothing in common. As far as I know.

Laurel: Cisco, I know Barry's the Flash, and Oliver's the Arrow.

Cisco: [chuckles] How do you know that?

Laurel: [whispers] Because I'm the Black Canary.

Cisco: Stop playing.

Laurel: It's true.

Cisco: You stop it right now. No. [laughs]

Laurel: Okay, okay. Calm down.

Cisco: I love you. I mean, I love the way that you beat up criminals.

Barry: Look, you said it yourself, if we don't find Hannibal Bates, you go to prison. For a crime you didn't commit. I'm not going to let that happen. Not again.

Eddie: This isn't like your dad, Barry.

Barry: Eddie, look.

Eddie: When your dad was put away, you were a kid. There wasn't anything you could do. But you're not a kid anymore. You're a scientist. Hell, you're The Flash. You are going to find Bates and you are going to clear me. So go do it.

Eddie: [to Iris] You were right. I was hiding something from you, and you deserve to know the truth. The reason I've been so distant lately... I've been working with The Flash.

[reading a newspaper front page in the Time Vault]

Cisco: "Flash missing. Vanished in crisis."

Barry: "After an epic street-battle with The Reverse-Flash, our city's very own Scarlet Speedster disappeared in an explosion of light."

Caitlin: Barry, look at the date.

Barry: April 25, 2024. Guys, when I fought The Reverse-Flash at Christmas, he said we'd be fighting for centuries.

Caitlin: Wait, you can't really think that this is from... the future.

Cisco: That would mean Dr. Wells, or whoever he is, is also...

Barry: From the future.

Cisco: I have to say, I'm really digging the brighter red suit. And the white on the symbol? That's dope. Wait a second. Suppose we now change the color on your suit. Will it be because we got the idea from this picture? That would mean we're living in a causal nexus. This - wow. This is so trippy. Like, Marty and the Polaroid trippy.

Caitlin: Not as trippy as the name on the byline.

Barry: Iris West-Allen?

Cisco: Mazel tov?

Gideon: Hebrew. Ancient language of the Jewish people.

Barry: You know Dr. Wells?

Gideon: Yes.

Barry: Do you know who he really is?

Gideon: I don't understand the question.

Barry: I... I mean, what is he doing here? W-why did he come here?

Gideon: To kill you.

Eddie: I know the timing might seem off with everything that has gone on, but I want to propose to Iris and I want your blessing.

Joe: No.

Eddie: [chuckles] Come again?

Joe: No. You do not have my blessing.

Eddie: Iris Thawne. Sounds pretty good, huh? [walks off]

Barry: [to himself] I have a feeling she's gonna want to hyphenate.

Eddie: You might as well take that mask off. I know it's you, Wells. Or whoever you really are.

Wells: Well, allow me to introduce myself. [removes mask] My name is Eobard. Eobard Thawne.

Eddie: I don't understand. Why do you have my name?

Wells: Well, 'cause we're family, Eddie.

Eddie: Funny, I haven't seen you at any reunions or weddings.

Iris: Think about your best friend. It could be your wife, your father, maybe someone you grew up with. It's the person you can't wait to talk to at the end of the day. The person that knows everything about you, who roots for you. Now imagine your best friend had a secret. No, not a secret. A universe of secrets. Would you confront him? Would you stay silent? Either way, you know nothing will ever be the same again.

Grodd: [speaking through Eiling] I... am... Grodd. Fear... me.

Barry: What happened to Grodd?

Caitlin: We don't know. After the Particle Accelerator exploded, I went down to check on him, and his cage was empty.

Joe: So he could have been affected by the same energy that hit Barry?

Cisco: When the dark matter hit Grodd, all the drugs and serums that Eiling injected him with could've activated. Maybe the Accelerator explosion created a meta-gorilla. I think we know what happens when a super-intelligent ape who's pissed off at humans escapes captivity.

Caitlin: Cisco's right about the first part.

Grodd: Grodd hate banana.

Barry: You will get what's coming to you eventually.

Eiling: I'm not ashamed of my actions, Mr. Allen. You've seen what these meta-humans are capable of. Soon, your prison won't be enough.

Barry: Not all meta-humans are dangerous.

Eiling: Oh, you're afraid that I know you're The Flash? Don't get your tights in a twist, I've known for months. I wanted to come after you, I would've done it by now.

Barry: But you think you're gonna need me.

Eiling: Harrison Wells turned me over to that beast. He used me as a damn puppet. So like it or not, we have a common enemy, you and I. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a gorilla to hunt.

Wells: I want you to take a moment and think about all the things that define your life. All the people you love. Your job. Your co-workers. Your home. And now imagine if one day in a flash all of that vanished. Do you simply accept your new life, continue on or would you do whatever it takes to get back what was taken from you?

Joe: At what point do we come no different than the people we're fighting?

Barry: We are way different.

Joe: How?

Barry: We only break the rules to help people.

Lisa Snart: How come you haven't given me a code name? I heard you came up with Captain Cold. What do you think I should be called?

Cisco: Female Inmate.

Lisa: Aw, come on. You made my gun, the least you can do is give me a badass alias. Please?

Cisco: Fine. Golden Glider.

Lisa: Smart is sexy, Cisco.

Barry: You gave me your word!

Snart: [laughs] It's true I did, but here's the thing: I'm a criminal and a liar and I hurt people and I rob them. What did you expect me to do? Not be what I am? I saw an opportunity to turn things to my advantage and I did. Who you're really mad at is yourself. This is on you, Barry.

Joe: You know the difference between right and wrong and you weren't willing to blur the lines between the two. That's the kind of man you are and that's what makes you different than the Arrow. So, please, no more walks on the dark side.

Barry: I can save mom.

Henry: At what cost? You said time won't change. What if it changes you?

Barry: I don't care.

Henry: I do. I am in awe of the remarkable person that you are becoming. All the things you achieved and not just as the Flash, but you, Barry. Your honesty, your heart. You're always a hero, and your mom would be just as proud. And if she had a say in this, if she thought for one second that you going back to save her would mean losing what makes you so special, she would never want that! [Barry sobs] Barry, what I hope for you, maybe the greatest thing that a father can hope for his son is that one day you will have a son yourself and then you will know how much I truly love you.

Stein: We're dealing with a lot of big scientific ideas today. But you, Mr. Thawne, might be the most interesting thing here at S.T.A.R. Labs.

Eddie: Me?

Stein: What are the odds that Dr. Wells would travel back in time and get stuck in the exact same city as his great-great-great-great grandfather? Working in the same profession, the same building? And that part of his plan to get home would mean that he'd have to preserve and protect your life. That makes you this rare thing that no scientist can plan for.

Eddie: Which is?

Stein: Coincidence. There is no science to coincidence. You, sir, are an anomaly. A wild card, as it were. You are the only person in this whole story who gets to choose his own future. At least, that's my opinion.

Joe: Barry, you get the chance to grow up with both parents. You don't have to grow up without a mother.

Barry: What about growing up with a father?

Joe: You will have a father - your real father. Wells has messed with our lives long enough. This is why you became The Flash, Barry. To put things right. You saved a lot of people's lives this past year. Now it's time to save yours.

Stein: The calculations. There is a danger.

Barry: I know. I'm ready to take the risk.

Stein: No, not just you, but to everyone. Wells didn't tell us everyone. Barry, even if you do reach the right speed, colliding with the hydrogen particle, there is a chance that explosion could create a singularity.

Caitlin: What's a singularity?

Cisco: A black hole.

Barry: We could destroy Central City.

Stein: For starters. If we create a singularity here and then cannot control it, we could be looking at a global catastrophe.

Cisco: So long and thanks for all the fish.

Barry: I was born with one father, but that tragedy gave me two and I don't think I can lose you.

Joe: You'll never lose me. You hear me? Never.

Bobby: Where's your brother?

Sam: Polling the electorate.

Bobby: What?

Sam: Never mind.

Sam: Let me see your knife.

Dean: What for?

Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out. (laughs)

Dean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.

Sam: That's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean.

Bobby: So, we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we?

Dean: Well, sold my soul. Got a year to live. I ain't sweatin' the cholesterol

Isaac: A family that slays together...

Isaac: I've locked my keys in the car, turned my laundry pink... never brought on the end of the world, though.

Sam: Dean, what're you doing?

Dean: Comforting the bereaved. What're you doing?

Sam: Workin'. Dead body, possible demon attack, that kinda stuff.

Dean: (fake coughing) Sam, I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I don't have much time left. And, uh... (more coughing) ...gotta make every second count.

Bobby: Did you boys find anything around here?

Sam: No sulfur, nothing.

Dean: Well, maybe something. (looks at security camera) See? I'm working.

Bobby: You sure this is the right place?

Dean: No. But I spent all day canvasing this stupid town with this guy's stupid mug, and supposedly he drinks at this stupid bar...

Sam: It's suicide, Dean!

Dean: So what? I'm dead already!

Bobby: Do you have any idea who we're up against?

Dean: No, who?

Bobby: The Seven Deadly Sins, live and in the flesh.

Dean: (laughs) What's in the box? (silence) Brad Pitt... Se7en... no? (shuts up as Bobby hits him with a book)

Dean: What do you want?

Envy: We already have what we want.

Dean: What's that?

Envy: We're out, we're free. Thanks to you, my kind are everywhere.

Envy: Some people crochet, others golf. Me? I like to see people's insides on their outside.

Envy: You really think you're better than me. Which one of you can cast the first stone, huh? What about you, Dean? You're practically a...a walking billboard of gluttony and lust.

Sam: Look, if we're going down, we're going down together.

Bobby: (to Gluttony) "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son".

Dean: I suppose you're Lust.

Lust: Baby, I'm whatever you want me to be.

Dean: Yeah, alright. Just stay back.

Lust: Or what?

Dean: Good point.

Pride: Come on. You really think something like that is gonna fool someone like me? I mean me.

Sam: Let me guess. You're Pride.

Sam: Who the hell are you?

Ruby: I'm the girl that just saved your ass.

Dean: You look like hell warmed over.

Bobby: You try exorcising all night, see how you feel.

Sam: Any survivors, Bobby?

Bobby: Well, the pretty girl and the heavy guy, they'll make it. A lifetime of therapy bills ahead, but still…

Dean: I'm just gonna ask it again... who was that masked chick? Actually, the more troubling question would be, "How come a girl can fight better than you?"

Sam: Three demons, Dean... at once.

Dean: Hey, whatever it takes to get you through the night, pal.

Sam: If you want a troubling question I got one for ya.

Dean: What's that?

Sam: If we let out the Seven Deadly Sin's, what else did we let out?

Dean: (pause) You're right. That is troubling.

Sam: Hey Bobby, we can win this war, right?

Bobby: (silence) Catch you on the next one.

Sam: I've been bending over backwards trying to be nice to you, and... I don't care anymore.

Dean: That didn't last long.

Sam: You're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you go and do the same thing… to me. What you did was selfish.

Dean: Yeah. You're right. Was selfish. But I'm okay with that.

Sam: I'm not.

Dean: Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think I'm entitled.

Dean: I don't know. It's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sam: That's hellfire, Dean.

Dean: Eh, whatever.

Dean: I got a year to live, Sam. I'd like to make the most of it. So what do you say we kill some evil sons of bitches and we raise a little hell, huh?

Sam: You're unbelievable.

Dean: Very true.

Sam: We don't know how many of them there are!

Bobby: Yeah we do! There are seven of them!

Tamara: I don't give a rats ass if they're "the Three Stooges" or "the Four Tops"!

Sam: (trying to cover up his phone call) Oh, I was just ordering pizza.

Dean: Dude, you do realize that you're in a restaurant?

Sam: Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah... (lamely) I just felt like pizza, y'know?

Dean: Okay... Weirdy McWeirderton.

Sam: So let me get this straight. You want to drive all the way to Cicero just to hook up with some random chick?

Dean: She was a yoga teacher. That was the bendiest weekend of my life!

Sam: How many dying wishes are you going to get?

Dean: As many as I can squeeze out.

Dean: Come on, smile, Sam. God knows I'm going to be smiling after 24 hours with Gumby girl. (chuckles) Gumby Girl... does that make me Pokey?

Ben: (about the moon-bounce) You know who else thinks they're awesome? Chicks! It's like hot-chick city out there!

Ruby: (eating a French fry) Mmm, these are amazing. It's like deep fried crack. Try some.

Sam: That knife you had... you can kill demons with that thing?

Ruby: Sure comes in handy when I have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress.

Sam: Where'd you get it?

Ruby: Sky Mall.

Sam: Why are you following me?

Ruby: I'm interested in you.

Sam: Why?

Ruby: Because you're tall. I love a tall man!

Ben: No, don't go over there. Only bitches send a grown-up.

Dean: You're not wrong.

Ben: And I'm not a bitch.

Dean: (points to large kid with Ben's game) Is that Humphrey? The one that needs to lay off the burgers?

Dean: What? Somebody had to teach him to kick a bully in the nads.

Dean: We'll just bust in, drag the kids out, torch them in the front lawn. That'll play great with the neighbors.

Dean: Y'know how I never mentioned my job? This is my job.

Lisa: I so didn't want to know that.

Lisa: Ben may not be your kid, but he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. That's a lot, if you ask me.

Dean: You know, just for the record, you got a great kid. I would have been proud to be his dad.

Sam: You're a demon!

Ruby: Don't be such a racist.

Sam: Why would you wanna help me?

Ruby: I have my reasons. Not all demons are the same, Sam. Not all of us want the same thing. Me? I wanna help you from time to time. That's all... And if you let me, there's something in it for you.

Sam: What could you possibly...

Ruby: I could help you save your brother.

Kubrick: Don't play with my Jesus.

Dean: (reading from trophy) 1995.

Sam: No way. That's my Division Championship soccer trophy! I can't believe he kept this.

Dean: Yeah, it's probably the closest you ever came to being a boy. Oh, wow! It's my first sawed-off. I made it myself. Sixth grade.

Sam: Hi, uh, table for two please.

Waiter: Congratulations!

Dean: Exciting, I know.

Dean: Wow! You suck.

Dean: Sam? You okay?

Sam: (from the floor) Yeah, I'm good!

Sam: (despondently) I lost my shoe.

(Dean leads Sam into a motel room)

Sam: What am I even supposed to do, Dean?

Dean: Nothing, nothing! Come here. I don't want you doing- anything! I want you to sit right here, and don't move! Okay? Don't turn on the light, don't turn off the light, don't even scratch your nose!

Sam: (mouthing the words) scratch my nose? (checks to see that Dean has left, then scratches his nose)

Kubrick: I used to think your friend Gordon sent me.

Sam: (tied to a chair) Gordon-!? Oh, come on!

Kubrick: Yeah, 'cause he asked me to track you down... and put a bullet in your brain.

Sam: Great. That sounds like him.

Dean: So you're only out for yourself, huh? It's all about number one?

Bela: Being a hunter is so much more noble? A bunch of obsessed, revenge driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can't be saved?

Dean: Well, aren't you a glass half-full?

Dean: If it's any consolation, I think you're a truly awful person. (Bela shoots at Dean) See ya!

Dean: I'm Batman.

Sam: (sarcastically) Yeah, you're Batman.

Bela: (training a gun on Sam and Dean) Put the foot down honey!

Dean: You're not gonna shoot anybody. See, I happen to be able to read people. Okay, you're a thief, fine, but you're not gonna - (Bela shoots Sam) Son of a-!

Bela: Back off, tiger. Back off. You make one more move, and I'll pull the trigger. You've got the luck, Dean. You, I can't hit. But your brother? (aims the gun at him again) Him, I can't miss.

(pause)

Dean: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Bela: Relax it's just a shoulder hit! (sees Dean's face) I CAN aim!

Bela: Thanks very much. I'm now out one and a half million and on the bad side of a very powerful, fairly psychotic buyer

Dean: Wow... I really don't feel bad about that. Sam?

Sam: Nope. Not even a little.

Dean: Oh, don't go away angry. Just go away.

Dean: SON OF A BITCH!

Kubrik: Sam Winchester is more than a monster. He's the Adversary.

Gordon And what was it that convinced you?

Kubrik: God led me to him, and His will is clear.

Gordon: (nodding slowly) Okay. That's great. Glad to have you on board.

Dean: There's got to be a demon or two in South Beach.

Sam: Sorry, Hef, maybe next time.

Dean: (about the Colt) So if we wanna go check out these omens in Ohio, think you can have that thing ready by this afternoon?

Bobby: Well, it won't kill demons by then, but I can promise it'll kill you.

Dean: (referring to Richie) No way he gets a girl like that. I mean, look at her. You could fit that ass on a nickel.

Sam: No offense, but what are you doing here, Father?

Father Gil: Like it or not, you go where your flock is.

Casey: Plus the clergy drinks for free.

Sam: You drink hurricanes?

Dean: I do now.

Richie: Wow, this is, er, charming. You sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a bedroom, or, uh, my motel room? I mean, not for nothing, but you know... I got oils.

Casey: But I have toys.

Richie: Yeah, no, toys trump oils.

Sam: (on Dean not eating the hamburger in front of him) You do realize there is red meat within striking distance, right?

Ruby: Cute piece.

Bobby: Who are you?

Ruby: Won't stop a demon, if that's what you think.

Bobby: How the hell would you know?

Ruby: Oh, I don't know... (blackens her eyes) Call it an educated guess.

Bobby: Well, ain't I lucky then? Found a subject for a test fire...

(Bobby raises the Colt)

Ruby:(laughs)Luck had nothing to do with it. But hey, by all means, take your best shot.

(Bobby hesitates, Ruby becomes impatient)

Ruby: Ugh...are you gonna stand there like a pantywaist? Or are you gonna shoot-!

(Bobby shoots her, she looks down at the wound, then looks back at Bobby)

Ruby: Ouch. This smarts a little...

Bobby: What do you want?

Ruby: Peace on earth, a new shirt...Now, do you want me to help you out with that gun, or not?

Hooker: Normally I charge four hundred a night. Why don't we call it an even deuce, and get the hell out of here?

Dean: What do I look like?

Hooker: What do I look like? Cheapskate.

Casey: Did I just see you strike out with a prostitute? How's that work?

Dean: Oh, I forgot to mention, Richie was a friend of mine. When I realized I could track the GPS on his cell phone I swung by earlier, to give him a proper burial. It's better than rotting in some skank's basement.

Dean: What are you laughing at, bitch? You're still trapped.

Casey: So are you... bitch.

Dean: Why do you demons have such smart mouths.

Casey: It's a gift.

Dean: (trying an exorcism from memory) Spiritus emundi, undalara, persona tote… (trails off, lost)

Casey: Nice try, but I think you just ordered a pizza. Guess you should have paid more attention in Latin class.

Dean: I don't know what you're smiling about, you're not going anywhere.

Casey: And apparently neither are you.

Dean: Yeah, but I got somebody coming for me and uh... he did pay attention in class.

Casey: Oh, right - Sam. Everyone say's he's the brains of the outfit.

Dean: Everyone?

Casey: Sure. You Winchester boys are famous. Not Lohan famous, but you know.

Bartender: What's wrong with you? Think, I'm gonna give you a coworker's address just so you can go over there and get your freaky peeping tom rocks off? (Sam hands him money) Corner of Piermont and Clinton. Have fun.

Casey: Why don't you relax?

Dean: Why don't you kiss my ass?

Casey: Why, Dean, you're a poet. I had no idea.

Casey: Hey, I didn't pull any triggers.

Dean: Yeah? You did something.

Casey: You want to know what I did - what I really did? I had lunch.

Dean: Lunch?

Casey: Me and Trotter. He had a cheeseburger, I had a salad, and I just pointed out the money that could be made with a few businesses that cater to harmless vice. So Trotter built it, and, man, did they come. Supposedly god-fearing folk, waist-deep in booze, sex, gambling. I barely lifted a finger.

Dean: That's it?

Casey: You don't get it. All you got to do is nudge humans in the right direction. Some whiskey here, a hooker there, and they'll walk right into hell with big,fat smiles on their faces. Your kind is corrupt, Dean. Weak. Our will's stronger. That's why we'll win.

Dean: And that's how it ends?

Casey: No. That's how it begins.

Casey: (to Dean) I mean this past century, you people racked up a body count that amazed even us. It's our turn now. And we're gonna do it right this time.

Casey: So you see? Is my kind really all that different than yours?

Dean: Well, except that, uh, demons are evil.

Casey: And humans are such a lovable bunch. Dick Cheney.

Dean: He one of yours?

Casey: Not yet. But let's just say he's got a parking spot reserved for him downstairs.

Casey: Why, Dean. If I didn't know better, I'd say that's lust in your eyes. Well, it would be one way to spend the time. But I don't think you'd respect me in the morning.

Dean: That's okay: I mean hey, I barely respect you now.

Dean: Azazel?

Casey: What, you think his friends just called him Yellow-Eyes? He had a name.

Dean: Think something's wrong with my brother?

Bobby: Nah. Demons lie. I'm sure Sam's okay.

Dean: (doubtfully) Yeah.

Sam: For some reason, you're fighting on our side. Now tell me: why is that, again?

Ruby: Go screw yourself, that's why.

Ruby: (to Sam) On the bright side, I'll be there with you - that little fallen angel on your shoulder.

Kyle: This guy, he killed my brothers. How would you feel?

Sam: Can't imagine anything worse.

Sam: Actually, I do have a theory. Sort of.

Dean: Hit me.

Sam: Well, I'm thinking about fairy tales.

Dean: Oh, that's... that's nice. You think about fairy tales often?

Sam: Then we got the three brothers, arguing over how to build houses, attacked by the big, bad wolf.

Dean: Three little pigs.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Actually, those guys were a little chubby.

Dean: I thought all those things ended with everyone living happily ever after.

Sam: No, no, not the originals. See, the Grimm Brothers stuff was kind of like the folklore of its day, full of sex, violence, cannibalism. Now, it got sanitized over the years and turned into Disney flicks and bedtime stories.

Dean: So you think the murders are what, a re-enactment? That's a little crazy.

Sam: Crazy as what? Every day of our lives?

Dean: Touché.

Sam: (staring at frog on the road) Yeah, you're right, that's completely normal.

Dean: All right, maybe it is fairy tales. Totally messed-up fairy tales. I'll tell you one thing, there's no way I'm kissing a damned frog.

Sam: (gesturing to pumpkin on porch) Hey, check that out.

Dean: Yeah? It's close to Halloween.

Sam: Remember Cinderella? The pumpkin that turns into the coach and the mice that become horses?

Dean: Dude! Could you be more gay? Don't answer that.

Sam: I think it's Snow White.

Dean: Snow White? Ah, I saw that movie. Oh, porn version anyways. There was this wicked Stepmother (hoots) she was wicked.

Dean: You find a way to stop Callie, all right.

Sam: What about you?

Dean: I'm gonna go stop the big bad wolf. Which is the weirdest thing I've ever said.

Dr. Garrison: You're not a cop, are you?

Sam: No.

Dr. Garrison: Then who are you?

Sam: Someone who knows a little bit about this kind of thing.

Dean: See you around, Doc.

Dr. Garrison: I sure hope not.

Dean: You know what he said. Some good advice.

Sam: Is that what you want me to do, Dean? Just let you go?

Crossroad Demon: What can I do for you, Sam?

Sam: You can beg for your life.

Crossroad Demon: We were having such a nice conversation. Then you had to go and ruin the mood.

Sam: If I were you, I'd drop the wisecracks and start acting scared.

Crossroad Demon: It's not my style. That's not the original Colt. Where did you get that? Ruby. Had to be. She is such a pain in my ass. She'll get what's coming to her. You can count on it.

Crossroad Demon: Aren't you tired of cleaning up Dean's messes? Of dealing with that broken psyche of his? Aren't you tired of being bossed around like a snot-nosed little brother? You're stronger than Dean. You're better than him.

Sam: Watch your mouth.

Crossroad Demon: Admit it. You're here, going through the motions, but truth is, you'll be a tiny bit relieved when he's gone.

Sam: Shut up.

Crossroad Demon: No more desperate, sloppy, needy Dean. You can finally be free.

Sam: Who's your boss? Who holds the contract?

Crossroad Demon: He's not as cuddly as me, I can tell you that.

Sam: Who is it?

Crossroad Demon: I can't tell you. I'm sorry, Sam, but there's no way out of this one. Not this time.

(Sam and Dean are in the car, Dean looks pissed)

Dean: So, I've been waiting since Maple Springs. You got something to tell me?

Sam: It's not your birthday..

Dean: No.

Sam: (thinks hard) ...Happy Purim?

(Dean gives Sam an angry look, Sam laughs)

Sam: Dude, I don't know! I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dean: There's a bullet missing from the Colt. You want to tell me how that happened? I know it wasn't me, so unless you were shooting at some incredibly evil cans.

Sam: Dean.

Dean: You went after her didn't you? The Crossroads Demon, after I told you not to.

Sam: Yeah, well.

Dean: You could have gotten yourself killed.

Sam: I didn't.

Dean: And you shot her?

Sam: She was a smartass.

Dean: What a crazy old broad.

Sam: Why, because she believes in ghosts?

Dean: Ha ha, look at you. Sticking up for your girlfriend, you cougar hound.

Sam: Bite me.

Dean: Hey, not if she bites you first.

Dean: So what happens? You see the ship and then a few hours later you pucker up and kiss your ass goodbye.

Sam: Basically.

Dean: What's the next step?

Sam: I gotta ID the boat.

Dean: That shouldn't be too hard. I mean, how many three-mast clipper ships have wrecked off the coast?

Sam: I checked that too actually, over 150.

Dean: Wow!

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Crap.

Sam: Mm-hmm.

Dean: This is where we parked the car, right?

Sam: I thought so.

Dean: Where's my car?

Sam: Did you feed the meter?

Dean: Yes, I fed the meter. Sam, where's my car? Somebody stole my car!

Sam: Hey, hey, calm down, Dean.

Dean: I am calmed down. Somebody stole my c... :(starts to hyperventilate)

Sam: Wow, Dean. Hey-hey-hey-hey, take it easy, take it easy.

Bela: The 67' Impala, was that yours?

Sam: Bela...

Bela: I'm sorry, I had that car towed.

Dean: You what?

Bela: Well, it was in a tow-away zone.

Dean: No, it wasn't!

Bela: It was when I finished with it.

Sam: How do you sleep at night?

Bela: On silk sheets, rolling naked in money.

Sam: You shot me.

Bela: I barely grazed you.

(Dean rolls eyes)

Bela: Cute. But a bit of a drama queen, yeah?

Bela: (to Dean) Now, I'd get to that car if I were you, before they find that arsenal in the trunk. Ciao.

Dean: Can I shoot her?

Sam: Not in public.

Bela: I see you got your car back.

Dean: You really want to come near me when I got a loaded gun in my hands?

Bela: Now, now. Mind your blood pressure.

Dean: Hey, Bela, how'd you get like this? Huh? What, your daddy not give you enough hugs or something?

Bela: I don't know. Your daddy give you enough? Don't you dare look down your nose at me. You're no better than I am.

Dean: We help people.

Bela: Come on! You do this out of vengeance and obsession. You're a stone's throw from being a serial killer.

(Dean looks over to Sam)

Bela: Whereas I on the other hand, I get paid to do a job, and I do it. So you tell me, which is healthier?

Sam: Bela, why don't you just leave? We've got work to do.

Bela: Yeah. You're 0 for 2. Bang up job so far.

Peter: You guys aren't cops. Not dressed like that, not-not in that crappy car.

Dean: Whoa, hey, no need to get nasty.

Dean: You can't save everybody, Sam.

Sam: Yeah, right, so, so… what? You feel better now, or what?

Dean: No, not really.

Sam: Me neither.

Dean: You got to understand…

Sam: It's just lately I feel like I can't save anybody.

Bela: So, how'd things go last night with Peter?

(Sam gives angry look)

Bela: That well, huh.

Dean: If you say "I told you so," I swear to God, I'll start swinging.

Bela: I think the three of us should have a heart-to-heart.

Dean: That's assuming you have a heart.

Dean: A Hand of Glory? I think I got one of those at the end of my Thai massage last week.

Bela: What is taking so long? Sam's already halfway there. With his date.

Dean: (upstairs) I am so not okay with this!

Bela: What are you, a woman? Come down already.

(Dean walks down steps, Bela gasps)

Dean: All right, get it out. I look ridiculous.

Bela: Not exactly the word I'd use.

Bela: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.

Dean: (after thinking hard) Don't objectify me.

Sam: Exactly how long do you expect me to entertain my date?

Bela: As long as it takes.

Dean: Look. There's security all over this place, alright. This is an uncrashable party, without Gert's invitation, so.

Sam: We can crash anything, Dean.

Dean: Yeah I know, but this is easier and it's a lot more entertaining.

Sam: You know, there are limits to what I'll do, right?

Dean: Ah, he's playing hard-to-get. That's cute.

Bela: What do you suggest?

Dean: I'm thinking…

Bela: Don't strain yourself.

(about Bela to the Guard)

Dean: You think she's a pain in the ass now, try living with her.

Bela: (to Dean) I didn't want you thinking... you're not very good at that. Oh, look at you, searching for a witty rejoinder.

Dean: Screw you.

Bela: Very Oscar Wilde.

Guard: (knocking on door, looking for Dean and Bela after Bela pretended to faint) Sir? Ma'am? Everything alright?

Bela: (answers door, holding the top of her dress up) Hi.

Guard: Feeling better, I see?

Bela: Yes, much. Thank you.

Guard So if you're done with the room?

Bela: Well...Not exactly. Could we have a few more minutes?

Guard: Um...Yes, ma'am.

(Bela closes the door and the guard starts back down the hall)

Bela Stop it! That tickles!

(the guard runs into Dean coming up the stairs)

Dean: Oh! Sorry. Uh...Nature called.

Guard: Uh-huh.

Dean: (nodding towards the room Bela's in) Thanks for looking after my wife.

Guard: Oh, she's being looked after alright.

Bela: I'm going to go get Gert into a cold shower.

Dean: (to Sam) You stink like sex.

Dean: (about Bela) You know what? You're right. I'm not going to kill her. I think slow torture's the way to go.

Dean: I can't BELIEVE she got another one over on us!

Sam: You.

Dean: What?

Sam: I mean, she got one over on you, not us.

Dean: Thank you, Sam! Very helpful.

Bela: I sold it. I had a buyer lined up as soon as I knew it existed.

Sam: So the whole reason for us goin' to the charity ball was...?

Bela: I needed a cover. You were convenient.

Sam: Look you sold it to a buyer, just go buy it back.

Bela: It's half way across the ocean, I can't get it back in time.

Dean: In time for what?

Sam: What's going on with you, Bela? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Bela: I saw the ship.

Dean: You what? Wow, you know... I.. I knew you were an immoral, thieving, con-artist bitch, but just when I thought my opinion of you couldn't get any lower...

Dean: So who was it, Bela? Hmm? Who'd you kill? Was it daddy? Your little sis, maybe?

Bela: It's none of your business.

Dean: No... right. Well, have a nice life, you know whatever's left of it. (grabs jacket) Sam, let's go.

Bela: You can't just leave me here.

Dean: Watch us.

Bela: Please. I need your help.

Dean: Our help? Well, now how could a couple of serial killers possibly help you?

Bela: Do you really think this is going to work?

Dean: Almost definitely not.

Bela: You boys should learn to lock your doors. Anyone could just barge in.

Sam: Anyone just did.

Bela: (after handing Dean and Sam money) I don't like being in anyone's debt.

Dean: So ponying up ten grand is easier for you then a simple "thank you"? You're so damaged.

Bela: Takes one to know one.

Sam: I don't want you to worry about me, Dean. I want you to worry about you. I want you to give a crap that you're dying! So that's it? Nothing else to say for you?

Dean: I think maybe I'll play craps.

Gordon: Sam Winchester's the Antichrist.

Bela: Ooh. I'd heard something about that…

Gordon: It's true.

Bela: …from my good friend, the Easter Bunny. Who'd heard it from the Tooth Fairy. Are you off your meds?

Bela: You make me an offer and I think you'll find me highly cooperative.

Gordon: Okay, how about you tell me where they are, or I kill you right now?

Gordon: I can wrangle up three grand.

Bela: I don't get out of bed for three grand.

Dean: Well, what can I say? I'm a badass.

Bela: Gordon Walker paid me to tell him where you were.

Dean: Excuse me?

Bela: Well, he had a gun on me. What else was I supposed to do?

Dean: I don't know, maybe pick up the phone and tell us that a raging psychopath was dropping by?

Bela: I did fully intend to call. I just got a bit sidetracked.

Dean: He tried to kill us!

Bela: I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was such a big deal. After all, there are two of you and one of him.

Dean: There were two of them.

Dean: Bela, if we make it out of this alive, the first thing I'm gonna do is kill you.

Bela: You're not serious.

Dean: Listen to my voice, and tell me if I'm serious.

Dixon: You're a big part of why my people are nearly extinct, Gordon.

Gordon: Your "people" are going extinct because you're a bunch of mindless, bloodthirsty animals.

Gordon: Daughters? Try "fang whores."

Sam: That vampire's still out there, Dean.

Dean: First things first.

Sam: Gordon.

Dean: About that, when we find him or if he finds us..

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Well I'm just saying he's not leaving us a whole lot of options.

Sam: Yeah, I know... we gotta kill him.

Dean: Really? Just like that? I thought you would have been like; "No we can't, he's a human, it's wrong."

Sam: No I'm done. I mean Gordon's not gonna stop until we're dead... or until he is.

Dixon: I was desperate. You ever felt desperate? I've lost everyone I ever loved. I'm staring down eternity alone. Can you think of a worse hell?

Dean: Well...there's Hell.

Gordon: They turned me.

Kubrick: Those fangs?...I'm sorry. You know what this means.

Gordon: It means you have to kill me. But not yet.

Kubrick: What do you mean?

Gordon: You have to let me do one last thing first.

Kubrick: What?

Gordon: Kill Sam Winchester.

Kubrick: Gordon.

Gordon: It's the only... it is the one good thing to come out of this nightmare. I'm stronger, I'm faster. I can finish him.

Dean: It's like a giant haystack and Gordon's a deadly needle.

Dean: It's just another day at the office. It's a massively dangerous day at the office.

Sam: You know what, man? I'm sick and tired of your old stupid kamikaze trick.

Dean: Whoa, whoa. Kamikaze? I'm more like a ninja.

Sam: That's not funny.

Dean: It's a little funny.

Sam: No, it's not.

Dean: What do you want me to do, Sam, huh? Sit around all day writing sad poems about how I'm going to die? You know what, I've got one. Let's see, what rhymes with "Shut up, Sam"?

Sam: Drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punchline. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid.

Dean: I'm not!

Sam: You're lying. And you may as well drop it cause I can see right through you.

Dean: You got no idea what you're talking about.

Sam: Yeah, I do. You're scared Dean. You're scared because your year is running out and you're still going to hell, and you're freaked.

Dean: And how do you know that?

Sam: Because I know you!

Dean: Really?

Sam: Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean. Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better that anyone else in the entire world. And this... is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And I mean, I can't blame you. It's just...

Dean: What?

Sam: It's just I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. Cause... just cause.

Gordon: (to Sam, in the dark) You have no idea what I've faced to get here. I lost everything... my life. But it's worth it. Cause I'm finally gonna kill the most dangerous thing I ever hunted. You're not human, Sam.

Gordon: (to Sam) You got a lot of people fooled, but see, I know the truth. I know what it's like. We're the same now, you and me. I know how it is walking around with something evil inside you. It's just too bad you won't do the right thing and kill yourself. I'm gonna... as soon as I'm done with you. Two last good deeds. Killing you and killing myself.

Dean: (to Sam) You just charged a super-vamped-out Gordon with no weapon. That's a little reckless, don't you think?

Sam: What's with the auto shop?

(Dean extends tool to Sam to fix the Impala)

Sam: What? You don't mean, you want...

Dean: Yeah, I do. You fix it.

Sam: Dean, you barely let me drive this thing.

Dean: Well, it's time. You should know how to fix it. You're going to need to know these things for the future. And besides, it's my job, right. Show my little brother the ropes.

Dean: So was I right, was it the serial killing chimney-sweep?

Sam: Yep. It's uh, it's actually Dick Van Dyke.

Dean: Who?

Sam: Mary Poppins.

Dean: Who's that?

Sam: Oh, come on. Never mind.

Dean: So what the hell do you think we're dealing with?

Sam: Actually I have an idea.

Dean: Yeah?

Sam: It's a, it's gonna sound crazy.

Dean: What could you possibly say that's gonna sound crazy to me?

Sam: Um, Evil Santa.

Dean: Yeah, that's crazy.

Sam: He punishes the wicked.

Dean: By hauling their ass up chimneys.

Sam: For starters, yeah.

Dean: So this is your theory, huh? Santa's shady brother?

Dean: What are you talking about? We had some great Christmases.

Sam: Whose childhood are you talking about?

Dean: Oh, come on, Sam.

Sam: No, just... no.

Dean: All right, Grinch.

Young Sam: Is Dad a spy?

Young Dean: He's James Bond.

Santa's Elf: Welcome to Santa's Court. Can I escort your child to Santa?

Dean: Um, no. Uh, but actually, uh, my brother here, it's been a life long dream of his.

(Sam gives confused look)

Santa's Elf: I'm sorry, no kids over 12.

Sam: He's just kidding. We only came here to watch.

(Dean smirks and shakes his head)

Santa's Elf: Ewww.

Dean: [to Sam] Why are you the boy that hates Christmas?

Sam: Look, Dean. If you wanna have Christmas, knock yourself out. Just don't involve me.

Dean: Oh, yeah. That'd be great. Me and myself making cranberry molds.

Dean: What's up with Saint nicotine?

(Sam chuckles)

Dean: What?

Sam: Nothing. It's just that, uh, well you know, Mr. Gung-Ho Christmas, might have to blow away Santa.

Dean: Wreaths, huh? Sure you didn't want to ask her about her shoes? I saw some nice handbags in the foyer.

Sam: (getting off the phone with Bobby) Well, we're not dealing with the anti-Claus.

Dean: What'd Bobby say?

Sam: Uh, that we're morons.

Dean: Christmas is Jesus' birthday.

Sam: No, Jesus' birthday was probably in the fall. It was actually the Winter Solstice Festival that was co-opted by the church and renamed Christmas. But I mean the Yule log, the tree, even Santa's red suit, that's all remnants of Pagan worship.

Dean: How do you know that? What're you gonna tell me next...the Easter Bunny's Jewish?

Sam: Yeah. It's pretty much like putting a neon sign on your front door, saying "Come kill us!"

Dean: Great.

Sam: Huh, when you sacrifice to Holnacar, guess what he gives you in return?

Dean: Lap dances, hopefully.

(Dean to shop owner)

Dean: We were playing Jenga over at the Walsh's the other night, and, uh, well he hasn't shut up since about this Christmas wreath. I don't know. (looks over to Sam) You tell him.

Sam: Sure. (Sam pauses to look at shop owner) It was yummy.

Sam: She didn't charge you?

Shopkeeper: Nope.

Dean: Do you sell them for free?

Shopkeeper: Hell no. It's Christmas. People pay a buttload for this crap.

Dean: That's the spirit.

Sam: I don't get it. You haven't talked about Christmas in years.

Dean: Well, yeah. This is my last year.

Sam: I know. That's why I can't.

Dean: What do you mean?

Sam: I mean, I can't just sit around, drinking eggnog, pretending everything's okay, when I know next Christmas, you'll be dead. I just can't.

Young Dean: First thing you have to know is we have the coolest dad in the world. He's a superhero.

Young Sam: He is?

Young Dean: Yeah. Monsters are real. Dad fights them. He's fighting them right now.

Young Sam: But Dad said the monsters under my bed weren't real.

Young Dean: That's 'cause he'd already checked under there. But, yeah, they're real. Almost everything's real.

Young Sam: Is Santa real?

Young Dean: No.

(Sam and Dean wake tied to chairs)

Sam: Dean, you okay?

Dean: Yeah, I think so.

Sam: So I guess we're dealing with "Mr. and Mrs. God." Nice to know.

Madge Carrigan: This might pinch a bit, dear. [cuts Dean's arm]

Dean: Aah! You bitch!

Madge: Oh, my goodness me! Somebody owes a nickel to the swear jar. Oh, do you know what I say when I feel like swearing? Fudge.

Dean: I'll try and remember that.

Dean: You fudging touch me again, I'll fudging kill you!

Madge: [approvingly, while cutting Dean's arm again] Very good.

[Mr. Carrigan is just about to pull out one of Dean's teeth when the doorbell rings.]

Dean: [muffled, because of the pair of tongs in his mouth] So are you gonna get that?

[Mr. and Mrs. Carrigan look at each other while doorbell rings again.]

Dean: You should get that.

Dean: (holding up Sam's presents) Look at this. Fuel for me and fuel for my baby!

Dean: I hate witches. They're always spewing their body liquids everywhere.

Sam: Pretty much.

Dean: It's creepy. Hell, it's downright unsanitary!

Dean: Freakin' witches!

Dean: Why does a rabbit always get screwed in the deal? Poor little guy.

Dean: I'd like to report a dead body. At 309 Mayfair Circle. My name? Yeah sure my name is...(hangs up)

Dean: They killed the nut job, should we, uh, thank them or what?

Sam: They're working black magic, too, Dean. They need to be stopped.

Dean: Stopped like stopped? They're human, Sam.

Sam: They're murderers.

Dean: Burn, witch, burn.

Ruby: Put a leash on your brother, Sam - if you wanna keep him.

Dean: What the hell were you thinking?

Sam: What? What the hell was I thinking?

Dean: She's a demon, Sam. Period. Alright? They want us dead, we want them dead!

Sam: Look, I know it's dangerous, that she is dangerous, but like it or not, she's useful.

Dean: No! We kill her before she kills us.

Sam: Kill her with what? The gun she fixed for us?

Dean: Whatever works.

Sam: Dean, if she wants us dead, all she has to do is stop saving our lives.

Sam: It's not so simple. We're not- we're not just hunting anymore. We're at war.

Dean: Are you feeling okay?

Sam: Why are you always asking me that?

Dean: 'Cos you're taking advice from a demon for starters. And by the way, you seem less and less worried about offing people, you know, it used to eat you up inside.

Sam: Yeah, and what has that gotten me?

Dean: Nothing, but it's just what you're supposed to do, we're supposed to drive in the friggin car, and friggin argue about this stuff. You know, you go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap.

Sam: Wait, so you're mad because I'm starting to agree with you?

Dean: No, not mad, I'm-I'm...I'm worried, Sam. Because you're not acting yourself.

Sam: Look, Dean, you're leaving, right? And I got to stay here in this crap hole of a world... alone. So, the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this war after you're gone, then I gotta change.

Dean: Change into what?

Sam: Into you. I gotta be more like you.

(Dean dying)

Dean: You want to kill me. Get in line, bitch!

(after saving Dean's life)

Ruby: Stop... calling me bitch.

Dean: You saved my life.

Ruby: Don't mention it.

Dean: What was that stuff? God, it was ass. It tasted like ass.

Ruby: It's called witchcraft, short bus. (she leaves)

Dean: (mutters) You're the short bus, short bus...

Tammi: Nice dick work, Magnum

Tammi: What did you think it was? Make believe? Positive thinking? The Secret?

Dean: So let me get this straight. You were human once. You died, you went to hell, and you became a...

Ruby: Yeah.

Ruby: That's what happens when you go to Hell, Dean. That's what Hell is. Forgetting what you are.

Ruby: The answer is yes, by the way.

Dean: Sorry?

Ruby: Yes, the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later, Hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell bound soul, every one, turns into something else. Turns you into us, so, yeah... yeah, you can count on it.

Dean: There's no way of saving me from the pit, is there?

Ruby: No.

Dean: Why'd you tell Sam that you could?

Ruby: So he would talk to me. You Winchesters can be pretty bigoted.

Ruby: You need to help me get him ready for life without you. To fight this war on his own.

Dean: Ruby? Why do you want us to win?

Ruby: Isn't it obvious? I'm not like them. I don't know why. I... I wish I was, but I'm not. I remember what it's like.

Dean: What what's like?

Ruby: Being human.

Dean: There you are. What are you doing?

Sam: Having a drink.

Dean: It's two in the afternoon. Drinking whiskey?

Sam: I drink whiskey all the time.

Dean: No, you don't.

Sam: But really, the thing is, no one can save you.

Dean: What I've been telling you.

Sam: No, that's not what I mean. I mean no one can save you because you don't want to be saved.

Sam: What was Bobby doing in Pittsburgh?

Dean: I don't know, unless he was taking an extremely lame vacation.

(as Dean impersonates a police detective)

Jeremy: I had the most vivid, super intense dream, like a bad acid trip, you know...

Dean: Totally. (pause) I mean, no.

Dean: I take it we believe the legends.

Sam: When don't we?

Sam: You wanna go dream walking inside Bobby's head?

Dean: Yeah, why not? Maybe we could help.

Sam: We have no idea what's crawling around in there.

Dean: How bad could it be?

Sam: Bad!

Dean: Dude... it's Bobby!

Sam: One problem though, we're fresh out of African Dream Root, so unless you know anyone who can score some...

Dean: Crap...

Sam: What?

Dean: Bela.

Sam: Bela? Crap. You're actually suggesting we ask her for a favor?

Dean: I'm feeling dirty just thinking about it, but yeah.

Dean: (to sleeping Sam) Sam, wake up! (after Sam woke up from his dream of having sex with Bela) Dude, you were out... and making some serious happy noises. Who were you dreaming about?

Sam: What? No one. Nothing.

Dean: Come on, you can tell me. Angelina Jolie?

Sam: No!

Dean: Brad Pitt?

Sam: No. No!

Dean: Well, shall we dim the lights and sync up Wizard of Oz to Dark Side of the Moon?

Sam: Why?

Dean: What did you do during college?

Bobby: Before I knew it was him, he offered me a beer. I drank it. Dumbest friggin' thing.

Dean: Aw, I don't know. It wasn't that dumb.

Sam: Dean, you didn't.

Dean: I was thirsty.

Sam: That's great! Now he can come after either one of you.

Nightmare Dean: What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car—that's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket—Dad's. Your music—Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? No. No, all there is "watch out for Sammy... Look after your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your dad's voice in your head, can't you? Clear as bell.

Dean: Just shut up!

Nightmare Dean: I mean, think about it. All he ever did was train you, boss you around. But Sam—Sam he doted on. Sam he loved.

Dean: I mean it, I'm getting angry.

Nightmare Dean: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you're lived or died! Why should you?

Dean: Son of a bitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam, that was his crap! He's the one who couldn't protect his family! He... He's the one who let mom die; who wasn't there for Sam, I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me and I don't deserve to go to hell!

Nightmare Dean: (with black, demon eyes) You can't escape me, Dean! You're gonna die, and this, this is what you're going to become!

Dean: Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: I've been doing some thinking. And well, the thing is, I don't wanna die. I don't wanna go to Hell.

Sam: Alright, yeah. We'll find a way to save you.

Dean: Okay, good.

(Heat of The Moment is playing on the alarm as Sam sits up.)

Dean: Rise and shine, Sammy!

Sam: Dude, Asia?

Dean: Aw, come on, you love this song and you know it.

Sam: Yeah, and if I ever hear it again, I'm gonna kill myself.

Dean: I'm telling you Sam, this job is small fry. We should be spending our time hunting down Bella.

Sam: Okay sure. Let's get right on that. Where is she again?

Dean: Shut up.

Sam: Man, I had a weird dream.

Dean: Yeah? Clowns or midgets?

Sam: Yesterday was Tuesday, right? But today is Tuesday, too!

Dean: Yeah. No, good. You're totally balanced.

Sam: He'll take the special, side of bacon, coffee black. Nothing for me thanks.

Waitress: You got it.

Dean: Sammy, I get all tingly when you take control like that.

[After Sam tells Dean he got hit by a car the day before]

Dean: Did it look cool, like in the movies?

Sam: You peed yourself.

Dean: Of course, I peed myself. Man gets hits by a car, you think he has full control over his bladder? Come on!

Dean: You mean we can't even go out for breakfast?

Sam: You'll thank me when it's Wednesday.

Dean: Whatever that means.

Dean: Do these tacos taste funny to you?

(Sam wakes up to Asia)': Heat of the moment!

Sam and Dean (in unison): Right, you're a mind reader. Cut it out, Sam. Sam! You think you're being funny but you're being really, really childish. Sam Winchester wears make-up. Sam Winchester cries his way through sex. Sam Winchester keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning when he wakes up-OK, enough!

Sam: My point is I've lived through every possible Tuesday. I've watched you die every possible way. I have ripped apart the Mystery Spot, burnt it down, tried everything I know to save your life and I can't. No matter what I do, you die. And then I wake up. And then it's Tuesday again.

Dean: So you think you're caught in some kinda... what again?

Sam: Eat your breakfast.

Sam: So this is fun for you? Killing Dean over and over again?

Trickster: One, yes it is fun. And two, this is so not about killing Dean.

Sam: (looking at alarm playing Back in Time) It's Wednesday!

Dean: Yeah, which usually comes after Tuesday. Turn that thing off, would ya?

Sam: What, are you kidding? This isn't the most beautiful song you've ever heard?

Dean: No! Geez, how many Tuesdays did you have?

Trickster: Whoever said Dean was the dysfunctional one has never seen you with a sharp object in your hands.

Trickster: Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of yours.

Trickster: Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

Trickster (to Sam): I swear it's like talking to a brick wall. (pause) OK, look, this all stopped being fun months ago. You're Travis Bickle in a skirt pal. I'm over it.

Henriksen: You know what I'm trying to decide?

Dean: I don't know, what? Whether Cialis will help you with your little condition?

Henriksen: I got a lot to celebrate, after all. Seeing you two in chains...

Dean: You kinky son of a bitch, we don't swing that way!

Dean: It's like we got a contract on us. You think it's 'cause we're so awesome? I think it's 'cause we're so awesome.

Dean: (Country accent) Well, howdy there sheriff.

Agent Henriksen: I shot the sheriff..

Dean: But you didn't shoot the deputy. (smirks)

Sam: You were possessed.

Henriksen: Possessed like... possessed?

Sam: That's what it feels like. Now you know.

Dean: I owe you the biggest "I told you so" ever.

Henriksen: What do you need?

Dean: Salt. Lots and lots of salt.

Deputy: Salt?

Dean: What is there an echo in here?

Henriksen: So, turns out demons are real.

Dean: F.Y.I. Ghosts are real too. So are werewolves. Vampires. Changelings. Evil clowns that eat people.

Henriksen: Okay then.

Dean: If it makes you feel better, Big Foot's a hoax.

Ruby: (scratches head) Does anyone have a breath mint? Some guts splattered into my mouth while I was killing my way in here!

Ruby: We'll need The Colt. (Sam and Dean look at each other awkwardly, Ruby looks at them both, suspicious.) Where's The Colt?!

Sam: It got stolen.

Ruby: I'm sorry, I must have blood in my ear! I thought I just heard you say you were stupid enough to let The Colt get grabbed out of your thick, clumsy, idiotic hands! (Sam and Dean look guilty) Fantastic! This is just peachy!

Sam: Ruby-

Ruby: Shut up! Fine. Since I don't see that there's any other option, there's one other way I know how to get you out of here alive.

Dean: What's that?

Ruby: I know a spell. It'll vaporize every demon, in a one mile radius. Myself included! So you let The Colt out of your sight, and now I have to die! So next time, be more careful. How's that for a dying wish?

Dean: Okay, what do we need to do?

Ruby: Aw, you can't do anything. This spell is very specific. It calls for a person of virtue.

Dean: I got virtue.

Ruby: Ha, ha. Nice try! You're not a virgin.

Dean: Ha ha. Nobody's a virgin! [Everyone looks at Nancy] No... No way! You're kidding me, right? You're...

Nancy: What? It's a choice, okay!

Dean: Wait. So you-you've never... Not even once...I mean not even...Wow...

Nancy: It's my decision.

Ruby: Damn straight, Cherry Pie.

Dean: Stop! Stop! Nobody kill any virgins!

Dean: (to Sam) I'm not going to let that demon kill some nice, sweet, innocent girl, who hasn't even been laid. I mean if that's how you win wars, then I don't want to win.

Dean: I got a plan. I'm not saying it's a good one, I'm not even saying it will work. But it sure as hell beats killing a virgin.

Sam: Ok, so what's the plan.

Dean: Open the doors, we let 'em all in, and we fight.

Nancy: When this is all over, I'm gonna have so much sex... (glances at the officer next to her) but not with you.

Ruby: Don't thank me. Lilith killed everyone. She slaughtered your precious little virgin, plus half a dozen other people. So after your big speech about humanity in war, it turns out that your plan was the one with the body-count. Do you know how to fight a battle? You strike fast and you don't leave any survivors. So no one can go running to tell the boss. So next time, we go with my plan!

Ed: We know you've had it hard during the crippling writer's strike

Harry: Lazy fat cats!

Ed: Who needs writers when you've got guys like us?

Ed: Good morning Ghost Facers.

Spruce: It's 7 p.m. dude.

Ed: That's morning to a Ghost Facer.

Harry: Rats are like the rats of the world.

Ed: Listen here, Chiseled Chest!

Harry: (to Sam and Dean) Who made you guys reoccuring guest stars?

Dean: Crap. Crap. Taxidermy, kay. You said Daggett was a hospital janitor?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Eew. We got three toe tags here. One, death by gunshots, train accident, and suicide.

Sam: Eew.

Harry: What?

Sam: Well that explains why all the death echoes are here.

(Ed and Harry look confused)

Sam: They're here because their bodies are here…Somewhere in the house.

(Ed and Harry still look confused)

Dean: Daggett brought the remains home from the morgue to play with.

Ed and Harry together: (After a pause) Eew!

Spruce: Oh, that's nasty dude.

Dean: There's some salt in my duffel bag. Make a circle and get inside.

Ed: Inside your duffel bag?

Dean: In the salt, you idiot!

Spruce: What's this guy Daggett guys problem, anyway?

Sam: Loneliness.

Dean: What, has he never heard of a Real Doll?

Harry: Ed, you gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern.

Ed: Here we were thinking that, you know, we were teaching you. And all this time you were teaching us about heart and about dedication and about how gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day.

Dean: You know I kind of think it was half awesome.

Maggie: Half awesome, th-that's full on good! Right?

Sam: Yeah, I mean it-it's bizarre how y'all are able to uh...to honor Corbett's memory while grossly exploiting the manner of his death. Well done.

Dean: Yeah. That's a real tight rope you guys are walking.

Sam: Yeah Alright guys.

Ed: No that's reality man. Yeah, Corbett gave his life searching for the truth, and it's our job over here to share it with the world.

Sam: Right, uh, our experience, you know what you get when you show the world the truth?

Dean: A straight-jacket. Or a punch in the face. Sometimes both.

Sam: Right

Harry: Oh come on guys don't be Facer-haters because we happen to have gotten the footage of the century.

Ed: Oh yeah.

Dean: ...They got us there.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Well, we'll see you guys around.

Spruce: Peaceout.

(Sam and Dean leave, Ed closes the door.)

Harry: Dicks.

Dean: I just talked to an 84-year-old grandmother who's having phone sex with her husband. Who died in Korea.

Sam: Ugh.

Dean: Completely rocked my understanding of the word necrophilia.

Sam: (about a demon) And it's following you because...?

Dean: I guess I'm big game, you know? My ass is too sweet to let out of sight.

Sam: Dean, it's not Dad.

Dean: Then what is it?

Sam: A Crocotta.

Dean: Is that a sandwich?

Dean's voicemail: This is Herman Munster. Leave a message.

Dean: The only person who can get me out of this thing is me.

Sam: And me.

Dean: "And me"?

Sam: What?

Dean: Deep revelation, having a real moment here. That's what you come back with? "And me"?

Sam: Do you want a poem?

Dean: Moment's gone. Unbelievable.

Dean: I mean obviously I wanna hunt some zombies.

Coroner: So you're cops and morons.

Dean: Excuse me? No, no. We're very smart!

Doctor: Didn't you read my report?

Dean: Of course we did. Oh, it was-it was riveting, a real page-turner. Just delightful.

Doctor: You done?

Dean: I think so.

Doctor: Please, go away.

Dean: Okay.

Sam: I talked to Mr. Beetle's doctor. Turns out his incisions were sewn up with silk.

Dean: That's weird?

Sam: Yeah, nowadays it is, but silk used to be the suture of choice back in the early 19th-century. It was really problematic. Patients would get massive infections, the death rate was insane.

Dean: Good times.

Sam: Right. So, doctors, they had to do whatever they could to keep the infections from spreading. One way was maggots.

Dean: Dude, I'm eating.

Sam: It actually kind of worked because maggots, they eat the bad tissue and they leave good tissue. And get this: When they found our guy, his body cavity was stuffed full of maggots.

Dean: Dude, I'm eating!

Dean: (to his burger) No, baby, I can't stay mad at you.

Sam: Even if you had the Colt, Dean, who're you gonna shoot? We have no idea who holds the ticket!

Dean: We'll, shoot the hellhounds then, before they slash me up! Now, you comin' or not?

Sam: I'm stayin' here.

Dean: No, you're not. Cause I'm not gonna let you go wander out into the woods alone to track some some organ-stealing freak!

Dean: Hiya, Bela. Here's a fun fact you may not know: I felt your hand in my pocket when you swiped that motel receipt.

Bela Talbot: You don't understand.

Dean: Oh, I'm pretty sure I understand perfectly. Y'see, I noticed something interesting in your hotel room. Something tucked above the door, an herb. Devil's Shoestring. Well there's only one use for that. Holding Hellhounds at bay. So you know what I did? I went back and took another look at your folks obit, turns out they died ten years ago today. You didn't kill them. A demon did your dirty work. You made a deal, didn't you, Bela. And it's come due.

Lilith: [flashback, young Bela swinging, crying] I can take care of them for you. And it won't even cost you anything for ten whole years. [her eyes glow red]

Dean: Is that why you stole the Colt, huh? Try to wiggle out of your deal? Our gun for your soul?

Bela Talbot: Yes.

Dean: But stealing the Colt wasn't quite enough, I'm guessing.

Bela Talbot: They changed the deal. They wanted me to kill Sam.

Dean: [sarcastic] Really. Wow. Demons, untrustworthy. Huh. Shocker. That's, uh, kind of a tight deadline too, uh, what time is it? Oh, look at that! Almost midnight.

Bela Talbot: [crying] Dean, listen, I need help.

Dean: Sweetheart, we are weeks past help.

Bela Talbot: I know I don't deserve it.

Dean: You know what, you're right. You don't. But you know what the bitch of the bunch is? If you would have just come to us sooner and asked for help, we probably could have taken the Colt and saved you.

Bela Talbot: [still crying] I know, and saved yourself. I know about your deal, Dean.

Dean: And who told you that?

Bela Talbot: The demon that holds it. She holds mine too. She says she holds every deal.

Dean: She?

Bela Talbot: Her name is Lilith.

Dean: ...Lilith? Why should I believe you?

Bela Talbot: You shouldn't, but it's the truth.

Dean: This can't help you, Bela. Not now. Why are you tellin' me this?

Bela Talbot: Because just maybe you can kill the bitch.

Dean: [long pause] I'll see you in Hell.

[he hangs up on her. Bela hangs up as the clock switches to 12:00 midnight. Hellhounds howl in the background. Bela stands to look out window, and there is a crash as the Hellhounds presumably attack and scene fades to black]

Dean: Why don't we just make a T.J. run. You know, some señoritas, cervezas, uh, we could, what's Spanish for "donkey show"?

Sam: So if we do save you...let's never do that.

Dean: We're going off of Bela's intel? Now, when that bitch breathes, the air comes out crooked.

Ruby: Oh, so you're just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine. You deserve hell. I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones! I wish I could be there to hear you scream!

Dean: And I wish you'd shut your pie-hole, but we don't always get what we want.

Dean: Sammy, all I'm saying is that you're my weak spot. You are. And I'm yours.

Sam: You don't mean that. We're-we're family.

Dean: I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it, too.

Bobby: Where do you think you're going?

Dean: We got the knife.

Bobby: And you intend to use it without me. Do I look like a ditchable prom-date to you?

Sam: No Bobby. Of course not.

Dean: This is about me... and Sam. Ok? This isn't your fight.

Bobby: The hell it isn't! Family don't end with blood, boy!

Dean: If this is my last day on earth, I do not want it to be socially awkward.

Bobby: You're piercing the veil, Dean. Glimpsing the B side.

Dean: Little less new agey please.

Bobby: You're almost Hell's bitch. So, you can see Hell's other bitches.

Ruby: What you don't know about me could fill a book.

Dean: Whoa.

Ruby: What?

Dean: Nothing, I, I just, I, uh, I couldn't see it before, but you are one ugly broad.

Sam: I'm not gonna let you go to hell, Dean!

Dean: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! I'm sorry! I mean this is all my fault. I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me. It's only gonna kill you.

Sam: Then what am I supposed to do?

Dean: Keep fighting.

Lilith: (to Dean) I don't have to answer to Puppy Chow. (opens door and lets the hellhound in) Sick him, boy.


	23. Chapter 23 A LOST NATURAL

My name is Oliver Queen. For five years, I was stranded on an island with only one goal: survive. Now I will fulfill my father's dying wish - to use the list of names he left me and bring down those who are poisoning my city. To do this, I must become someone else. I must become something else.

Oliver: Malcolm Merlyn... You have failed this city.

Malcolm: And how have I done that?

Oliver: The Undertaking. It ends now.

Diggle: [on earpiece] Oliver, the device... It's gone.

Oliver: Where's the device?

Malcolm: Safe. I don't know how you got that trojan onto my system, but it prompted me to take precautions. There is noting you can do to stop what is about to happen. And you shouldn't. This city needs what is about to happen in order to survive. The people who are destroying it from the inside need to be erased from the map.

Oliver: Fine. Let's start with you.

Malcolm: Ironic, isn't it? Last Christmas, I almost killed you. A few months ago, you saved my life. And now you're here to trying to kill me. You should makeup your mind.

Oliver: Done.

Felicity: Are you okay?

Oliver: My Mom and my best friend's Dad are involved in a conspiracy that may have dire consequences for the city. And I'm pretty sure they murdered my father. I'm not planning on using the word "okay" again any time soon.

Quentin: Arrows are black, not green.

Lucas Hilton: Copycat archer again.

Quentin: Psychopaths are color-coding themselves now. That's helpful.

Oliver: We have to find out what this Undertaking is.

Oliver: I got the ask her.

Felicity: Well, no. The last time the vigilante paid your Mom a visit, you got shot, and I got to play doctor with you. Ahh! My brain thinks the worst way to say things.

Oliver: This time it'll just be me asking. Friendly mother-son chat.

Laurel: What are you trying to say?

Oliver: That you you know me better than anyone, and that you are more important to me than anyone. I just I didn't wait to long to say it. [Laurel kisses him]

Laurel: You didn't wait to long. [wraps her legs around his waist] You're right on time.

Quentin: You're not exactly a hardened criminal, are you?

Felicity: No, I'm not any kind of criminal.

Quentin: What do you call computer hacking?

Felicity: A hobby. That I do not engage in.

Oliver: I spoke to Malcolm.

Moira: You what? He could have killed you. He killed your father.

Oliver: No, he didn't. After the "Gambit" went down, Dad and I both made it to the life raft. Then we drifted, for days. In the end, there wasn't enough food and water for both of us. So he shot himself in the head.

Moira: I don't want to hear this.

Oliver : He sacrificed himself so that I could live. Do you really think that I could go on living knowing that you sacrificed thousands more in my name? Mom. Please. You have to help me stop Malcolm. We need to know where the device is.

Tommy: It's over. Laurel and me, I mean. She's with Oliver, again. Always.

Malcolm: I'm sorry, son.

Tommy: Yeah, and he said you wanted to nuke The Glades or something. You know, it's funny, scotch doesn't make it any more believable. Maybe after your Jihad, we can grab some steaks.

Malcolm : Welcome, gentlemen. I've been waiting for you. I wanted to see you watch your city die.

Oliver: Where's the transmitter?

Malcolm: Somewhere I can easily get to it.

Diggle: I doubt it. You'd be too dead.

Malcolm: Don't struggle. It's over. There was never any doubt in the outcome. Don't worry. Your mother and sister will be joining you in death.

Oliver: [stabs Malcolm with arrow] Thank you for teaching me what I'm fighting for. But my father taught me how.

[On an Unknown Island after a planewreck]

Kate Austen: You don't seem afraid at all. I don't understand that.

Jack Shephard: Well, fear's sort of an odd thing. When I was in residency, my first solo procedure was a spinal surgery on a 16 year old kid, a girl. And at the end, after 13 hours, I was closing her up and I, I accidentally ripped her dural sac. Shredded the base of the spine where all the nerves come together, membrane as thin as tissue. And so it ripped open. And the nerves just spilled out of her like angel hair pasta, spinal fluid flowing out of her and I … And the terror was just so … crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. So I just made a choice. I'd let the fear in, let it take over, let it do its thing, but only for five seconds, that's all I was going to give it. So I started to count: One, two, three, four, five. Then it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up and she was fine.

Kate Austen: If that had been me, I think I would have run for the door.

Jack Shephard: No, I don't think that's true. You're not running now.

Sayid Jarrah: You'd think they would've come by now.

Charlie Pace: What? Who?

Sayid Jarrah: Anyone.

Jack Shephard: [about airplane turbulence] It's normal.

Rose Henderson: Oh, I know, I just never been a really good flyer. My husband keeps reminding me that planes wanna be in the air.

Jack Shephard: He sounds like a very smart man.

Rose Henderson: Be sure and tell him that when he gets back from the bathroom.

[The plane is really shaking now.]

Jack Shephard: Well, I'll keep you company until he does. Don't worry it's going to be over-

[the plane tears apart in mid-air]

Hurley: So, I was just looking inside the fuselage. It's pretty grim in there. You think we should do something about the, uh...

[Hurley stops and looks at the young Walt]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: ...b-o-d-y-s?

Michael Dawson: What are you spelling, man? "Bodies"?

Walt Lloyd: B-o-d-i-e-s.

[Kate and Jack get inside the cockpit.]

Kate Austen: So, what does a transceiver look like?

Jack Shephard: Complicated walkie-talkie.

[Kate climbs over the pilot, Seth Norris, looking for the transceiver when suddenly he takes a breath. Jack and Kate are shocked.]

Jack Shephard: Hey! Can you hear me? [to Kate] I need that water. [He gives the pilot some water] Here. Here you go. Hey.

Seth Norris: How many survived?

Jack Shephard: At least 48. Does anything feel broken?

Seth Norris: No, no. Just my head's a little dizzy, that's all.

Jack Shephard: Yeah. It's probably a concussion.

Seth Norris: How long has it been?

Jack Shephard: Sixteen hours.

Seth Norris: Sixteen? Has anybody come?

Jack Shephard: Not yet.

Seth Norris: Six hours in, our radio went out. No-one could see us. We turned back to land in Fiji. By the time we hit turbulence, we … we were a thousand miles off course. They're looking for us in the wrong place.

Shannon Rutherford: I've just been through a trauma here, okay?

Boone Carlyle: We've all been through a trauma. The only difference is, since the crash, you've actually given yourself a pedicure.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [to Kate] I'm a complex guy, sweetheart.

John Locke: Backgammon is the oldest game in the world. Archeologists found sets when they excavated the ruins of ancient Mesopotamia. Five thousand years old. That's older than Jesus Christ.

Walt Lloyd: Did they have dice and stuff?

John Locke: Mhhm. But theirs weren't made of plastic. Their dice were made of bones.

Walt Lloyd: Cool.

John Locke: Two players. Two sides. One is light... one is dark.

Charlie Pace: That's French! The French are coming! I've never been so happy to hear the French!

Sayid Jarrah: Sixteen years. And five months. That's the count.

Boone Carlyle: What the hell are you talking about?

Sayid Jarrah: The iterations. It's a distress call. A plea for help. A mayday. If the count is right... It's been playing over... and over... for sixteen years.

Boone Carlyle: Someone else? Was stranded here?

Kate Austen: Maybe they came for them.

James "Sawyer" Ford: If someone came, why is it still playing?

Charlie Pace: Guys. Where are we?

Sayid Jarrah: If we tell them what we know, we take away their hope... and hope is a very dangerous thing to lose.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Was it a dinosaur?

Jack Shephard: It wasn't a dinosaur.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: If you didn't see it, how do you know it wasn't a dinosaur?

Jack Shephard: Cause dinosaurs are extinct.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Oh, yeah, good point.

James "Sawyer" Ford: You're just not looking at the big picture, Doc. You're still back in civilization.

Jack Shephard: Yeah? And where are you?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Me? I'm in the wild.

Charlie Pace: So, your, uh... your husband, was he on the flight?

Claire Littleton: Oh, no, I'm not married.

Charlie Pace: Oh.

Claire Littleton: I know. How modern of me.

Charlie Pace: Well, who needs men, right? Bloody useless.

Jack Shephard: Three days ago we all died. We should all be able to start over.

Sayid Jarrah: We can find food. There are plenty of things on this island we can use for sustenance.

James "Sawyer" Ford: And exactly how are we gonna find this sustenance?

[A knife is thrown into the seat next to Sawyer's head, everyone looks at Locke]

John Locke: We hunt.

Kate Austen: How did you get that on the plane?

John Locke: Checked it.

Jack Shephard: [pulling out the knife and handing it to Locke] You either have very good aim, or...'[looks at Sawyer] very bad aim, Mr...

Michael Dawson: Locke. His name is Locke.

Jack Shephard: Okay Mr. Locke, what is it that we're hunting?

John Locke: We know there are wild boar on the island. w:Razorbacks by the look of em. The ones that came into the camp last night were piglets, 100, 150 pounds each. Which means that there's a mother nearby. A 250 pound rat, with scimitar like tusks, a surly disposition, who'd love nothing more than to eviscerate anything that comes near it. Boar's usual mode of attack is to circle around and charge from behind so I figure it'll take at least three of us to distract her long enough for me to flank one of the piglets, pin it and slit its throat.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [to Jack] And you gave him his knife back?

Shannon Rutherford: I'm not going to starve.

Boone Carlyle: Right, what are you going to eat?

Shannon Rutherford: The ocean's full of fish.

Boone Carlyle: Hate to break it to you, the ocean's not gonna take your gold card.

Randy Nations: What is it with you, Locke? Why do you torture yourself? I mean, imagining you're some hunter? Walkabouts? Wake up, you can't do any of that.

John Locke: Norman Croucher.

Randy Nations: What? Norman what?

John Locke: Norman Croucher. Norman Croucher, double amputee, no legs. He climbed to the top of Mt. Everest. Why? It was his destiny.

Randy Nations: That's what you think you've got, old man? Destiny?

John Locke: Just don't tell me what I can't do.

Jack Shephard: Everyone who was in the rear of the plane is dead.

Rose Henderson Nadler: They're probably thinking the same thing about us.

Agent: The Walkabouts we arrange here are not just some stroll through the park. It's trekking across vast stretches of desert, rafting bloody treacherous waters-

John Locke: Look, you've got no idea who you're talking to. I'm well aware of what's involved, believe me. I probably know more than you on the subject.

Agent: In any case, it's a trying ordeal for someone in peak physical condition, let alone-

John Locke: Look, I booked this tour a month ago, you've already got my money. Now, I demand a place on that bus.

Agent: You misrepresented yourself-

John Locke: I never lied.

Agent: By omission, Mr. Locke! You neglected to tell us about your condition.

John Locke: My condition is not an issue. I've lived with it for 4 years. It's never kept me from doing anything.

Agent: Look, unfortunately it is an issue for our insurance company. I can't keep the bus waiting any longer. It isn't fair to the other people.

John Locke: Hey, don't talk to me about fair!

Agent: I can get you on a plane back to Sydney on our dime. That's the best I can do.

John Locke: No. I don't want to go back to Sydney. Look I've been preparing for this for years. Just put me on the bus, right now, I can do this.

Agent: No, you can't.

John Locke: Hey, hey, don't you walk away from me.

[Locke moves from under the desk, revealing that he is in a wheelchair]

John Locke: You don't know who you're dealing with! Don't ever tell me what I can't do, ever! This is destiny. This is destiny. This is my destiny. [yelling)] I'm supposed to do this, dammit! Don't tell me what I can't do! Don't tell me what I can't...

Christian Shephard: So, you want to tell me what happened?

Jack Shephard: A couple guys jumped Marc Silverman.

Christian Shephard: A couple guys jumped Marc Silverman. But they didn't jump you?

Jack Shephard: [beat] No.

[Christian goes to get himself another drink]

Christian Shephard: I had a boy on my table today. I don't know, maybe a year younger than you. He had a bad heart. It got real hairy, real fast. And everybody's looking at your old man to make decisions. And I was able to make those decisions because at the end of the day, after the boy died, I was able to wash my hands and come home to dinner. You know, watch a little Carol Burnett, laugh till my sides hurt. And how can I do that, hmm? And even when I fail, how do I do that, Jack? Because I have what it takes. Don't choose, Jack, don't decide. You don't want to be a hero, you don't try and save everyone because when you fail... you just don't have what it takes.

John Locke: Why are you out here, Jack?

Jack Shephard: I think I'm going crazy.

John Locke: No. You're not going crazy.

Jack Shephard: No?

John Locke: No, crazy people don't know they're going crazy. They think they're getting saner.

John Locke: I'm an ordinary man, Jack, meat and potatoes, I live in the real world. I'm not a big believer in magic. But this place is different. It's special. The others don't want to talk about it because it scares them. But we all know it. We all feel it. Is your white rabbit a hallucination? Probably. But what if everything that happened here, happened for a reason? What if this person that you're chasing is really here?

Jack Shephard: That's impossible.

John Locke: Even if it is, let's say it's not.

Jack Shephard: Then what happens when I catch him?

John Locke: I don't know. But I've looked into the eye of this Island. And what I saw was beautiful.

Jack Shephard: I want you to listen to me, okay. Because I'm asking you a favor, Chrissy. I'm standing in front of you in the same suit that I'm wearing to my father's funeral and I'm asking you a favor. In 16 hours I need to land at LAX, and I need that coffin to clear customs because there's going to be a hearse waiting there. And I need that hearse to take me and that coffin to a cemetery. Why? Chrissy, why can't I just bring him to a funeral home and make all the arrangements? Why can't I really take my time with it? Because... because I need it to be done. I need it to be over. I just—I need to bury my father.

Jack Shephard: Leave him alone! It's been six days and we're all still waiting. Waiting for someone to come. But what if they don't? We have to stop waiting. We need to start figuring things out. A woman died this morning just going for a swim and he tried to save her, and now you're about to crucify him? We can't do this. Everyman for himself is not going to work. It's time to start organizing. We need to figure out how we're going to survive here. Now, I found water. Fresh water, up in the valley. I'll take a group in at first light. If you don't want to go come then find another way to contribute. Last week most of us were strangers, but we're all here now. And god knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together, we're going to die alone.

Kate Austen: It's just that you... and the tattoos... don't add up. Were you one of those hardcore spinal surgeons or something?

Jack Shephard: That's me. Hardcore.

Charlie Pace: If you two are done verbally copulating, we should get a move on.

Kate Austen: Hey, Charlie, ask Jack about his tattoo.

Charlie Pace: Oh, you guys have an inside joke. How absolutely wonderful for you both.

[Charlie is standing on a bee hive]

John Locke: Pull yourself together, son.

Charlie Pace: It wouldn't be an irrational fear of bees if I could just pull myself together, would it?

Kate Austen: [About her T-shirt] It was, uh, it was full of bees.

Charlie Pace: I'd have thought C's, actually.

Sayid Jarrah: [to Jack] Is there a reason you didn't consult us when you decided to form your own civilization?

[Jack is looking at Kate's mugshot when she enters]

Kate Austen I take better pictures than that. Smaller, too, if you want something for your wallet.

John Locke: I think you're a lot stronger than you know, Charlie. And I'm going to prove it to you. I'll let you ask me for your drugs three times. The third time, I'm going to give them to you. Now, just so we're clear, this is one.

Charlie Pace: Why? Why? Why are you doing this? To torture me? Just get rid of them and have done with it?

John Locke: If I did that you wouldn't have a choice, Charlie. And having choices, making decisions based on more than instinct, is the only thing that separates you from him [indicating the boar].

Charlie Pace: I'm a bloody rock god!

John Locke: That's a moth cocoon. It's ironic, butterflies get all the attention; but moths - they spin silk, they're stronger, they're faster.

Charlie Pace: That's wonderful, but...

John Locke: You see this little hole? This moth's just about to emerge. It's in there right now, struggling. It's digging its way through the thick hide of the cocoon. Now, I could help it, take my knife, gently widen the opening, and the moth would be free. But it would be too weak to survive. The struggle is nature's way of strengthening it. Now this is the second time you've asked me for your drugs back. Ask me again and it's yours.

Liam Pace: You're still a junkie.

Charlie Pace: You did this to me! It was about the music! The music, Liam. You took that away from me.

Liam Pace: Listen, why don't you stay with us for a few weeks. Karen and me, we can get you help. Sydney's got some really good programs.

Charlie Pace: Forget it.

[Charlie walks away]

Liam Pace: Don't go.

Charlie Pace: Thanks for your help, brother.

Liam Pace: Stay, please. I'm just looking out for you!

Charlie Pace: [angry] You never looked out for me!

Boone Carlyle: [about Shannon's asthma] She's been embarrassed about it since she was a kid. I guess breathing isn't cool.

Jack Shephard: [about Sawyer] I'm going to kill him.

Kate Austen: That's not going to help us get the medicine.

Jack Shephard: Maybe not, but it'll feel good.

Sayid Jarrah: We do not have bamboo in Iraq, although we do have something similar - reeds. But their effect is the same when the shoots are inserted underneath the fingernails.

James "Sawyer" Ford: You know what I think, Ali. I think you've never actually tortured anybody in your life.

Sayid Jarrah: Unfortunately for us both, you're wrong.

Kate Austen: Are you serious?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery. I just got tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a gen-u-ine I-raqi. Of course, I'm serious.

Kate Austen: This letter wasn't written to you. You wrote this letter. Your name's not Sawyer, is it?

James "Sawyer" Ford: It was his name. He was a confidence man. Romanced my momma to get to the money, wiped them out clean, left a mess behind. So I wrote that letter. I wrote it knowing one day I'd find him. But that ain't the sad part. When I was 19, I needed 6 grand to pay these guys off I was in trouble with. So I found a pretty lady with a dumb husband who had some money. And I got them to give it to me. How's that for a tragedy? I became the man I was hunting. Became Sawyer. Don't you feel sorry for me.

Noor "Nadia" Abed-Jazeem: [to Sayid] Am I so different from the little girl in the school yard who used to push you in the mud?

[Hurley has laid out a golf course.]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Welcome to the first and... hopefully last Island Open! It's two holes, for now, three par, and no waiting!

Jack Shephard: Hurley, you built... a golf course?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Rich idiots fly to tropical islands all the time to whack balls around!

Michael Dawson: [incredulous] All the stuff we gotta deal with, man... this is what you've been wasting your time on?"

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dudes... listen. Our lives suck! Everyone's nerves are stretched to the max! We're lost on an island, running from boars and monsters... freakin' polar bears!

Michael Dawson: Polar bears?

Charlie Pace: You didn't hear about the polar bear?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Look, all I'm saying is, if we're stuck here, then just surviving's not going to cut it. We need some kind of relief, you know. We need some way that we can, you know, have fun. That's right, fun. Or else we're just going to go crazy waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Jack Shephard: This is bad.

Michael Dawson: Yeah. I mean, I know what I would do, but... this has gotta be your call.

Jack Shephard: All right... give me the 7 iron.

Sayid Jarrah: This isn't a game, Nadia.

Noor "Nadia" Abed-Jazeem: Yet, you keep playing it, Sayid - pretending to be something I know you're not.

Sayid Jarrah: You'll find me in the next life, if not in this one.

Danielle Rousseau: What?

Sayid Jarrah: The writing on the back of Nadia's photograph. I know what it's like to hold on to someone. I've been holding on for the past 7 years to just a thought, a blind hope that somewhere she's still alive. But the more I hold on, the more I pull away from those around me. The only way out of this, this place, is with their help.

Jack Shephard: That must have been a hell of a nightmare.

Claire Littleton: Who said it was a nightmare?

Jack Shephard: I'd say when someone makes their fists so tight they dig their fingernails a quarter of an inch into their palm they probably weren't dreaming about riding ponies.

Charlie Pace: [imitating Claire's diary] "Dear Diary, still on the bloody island. Today I swallowed a bug. Love, Claire."

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: So, I had an idea. I'm out here looking for some psycho with Scott and Steve, right? And I'm realizing who the hell are Scott and Steve?

Jack Shephard: I'm not following you.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Look, if I was a cop and some woman got attacked, we'd canvas, right? Knock on doors, find witnesses. But we don't even have doors.

Jack Shephard: Hurley, you're not helping me understand where you're...

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Look, we don't know who's living here and who's still at the beach. I mean, we don't even know each other. My name isn't Hurley, it's Hugo Reyes. Hurley's just a nickname I have, alright? Why? I'm not telling. The point is, we've got to find out who everyone is.

Jack Shephard: You want to start a census.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah, a registry, you know, names, what people look like, who's related to who. I mean, we start laying down the law, maybe we'll stop attacking each other. It seems like someone's getting punched, or stabbed, or something every other day here. We've got to find out who did this to her.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: We just had a little incident in the valley last night.

Shannon Rutherford: An incident?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah. Claire, the pregnant girl, you know her. She, uh, kinda got attacked.

Shannon Rutherford: What?

Boone Carlyle: She's okay?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah. She's a little shook up.

Shannon Rutherford: I am so not moving to the rape caves!

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: We got a problem. The manifest. Jack, the census. The names of everyone who survived, all 46 of us. I interviewed everyone, here, at the beach. Got their names. One of them, one of them isn't — Jack! One of them isn't in the manifest. He wasn't on the plane.

John Locke: [to Jack] I hunted with Ethan. I spent time with him. I never sensed anything - off. But for everything that I know about hunting, tracking - whoever he is, he knows more. If we catch up with him, I don't want anything to happen to the only trained physician on the Island. So go back, be the doctor. Let me be the hunter.

James "Sawyer" Ford: So, a tribe of evil natives planted a ringer in the camp to kidnap a pregnant girl and a reject from w: VH1 has-beens. Yeah, fiendishly clever. And why am I getting the evening news from a six-year-old?

Walt Lloyd: I'm ten.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Okay, then it must be true.

Boone Carlyle: Red shirt. You ever watch Star Trek?

John Locke: No, not really.

Boone Carlyle: The crew guys that would go down to the planet with the main guys, the captain and the guy with the pointy ears, they always wore red shirts and they always got killed.

John Locke: Yeah?

Boone Carlyle: Yeah.

John Locke: Sounds like a piss-poor captain.

Ethan Rom: [to a subdued Jack] If you do not stop following me, I will kill one of them. Do you understand?

[Jack fights Ethan and is roundly defeated]

Ethan Rom: No more warnings!

James "Sawyer" Ford: I was protecting you!

Kate Austen: From what? Southern perverts?

James "Sawyer" Ford: [mocking Kate, in a caveman grunt] Me Kate. Me throw rock.

Jack Shephard: [to Sawyer] If I keep giving you the pills you're going to be as right as rain. But I'm going to stop giving you the pills. And for 2 days you're going to think you're all good, then it's going to start to itch. The day after that the fever's going to come and you're going to start seeing red lines running up and down your arm. A day or two after that you'll beg me to take the case, just to cut off your arm.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [handing over suitcase] Hope you got yourselves some jaws of life back in cave town. That's what it's gonna take to pop this bitch.

Rose Henderson Nadler: It's a fine line between denial and faith. It's much better on my side.

(When exiting a portal that came up in a closet in a imp's house) Did you guys just come out of the closet? Get out of here!

Imp in Medina

HP/MP restored! But you're still hungry.

2300 A.D., after using a sleep chamber.

Boone Carlyle: So, not to be too difficult, but we've been coming here for two days just staring at this thing. I'm not really sure what we're supposed to be doing.

John Locke: Ludovico Buonarrati, Michelangelo's father. He was a wealthy man. He had no understanding of the divinity in his son, so he beat him. No child of his was going to use his hands for a living. So, Michelangelo learned not to use his hands. Years later a visiting prince came into Michelangelo's studio and found the master staring at a single 18 foot block of marble. Then he knew that the rumors were true - that Michelangelo had come in everyday for the last four months, stared at the marble, and gone home for his supper. So the prince asked the obvious - what are you doing? And Michelangelo turned around and looked at him, and whispered, sto lavorando, I'm working. Three years later that block of marble was the statue of David.

Boone Carlyle: We're not going to stare at this for 4 months, are we?

John Locke: Hi.

Sayid Jarrah: I didn't hear you.

John Locke: Sorry. I'm sneakier than I give myself credit for.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: [to Jin] Are you sure you don't speak English? There's a rumor that you do... Your wife's hot!

[Jin looks bewildered]

Jack Shephard: [indicating Locke] What do you think his story is?

Charlie Pace: Who, Locke? Guy's a freak of nature. Highly disturbed. Chances are he probably killed all his mates at the post office the day his mum forgot to put a cookie in this lunch tin. That was my first impression anyway. Then he saved my life.

Jack Shephard: Then you trust him?

Charlie Pace: Trust him? No offense, mate, but if there was one person on this island that I would put my absolute faith in to save us all, it would be John Locke.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Got a new tourney lined up. We're playing for the last of the deodorant sticks.

John Locke: Michael, I know it's been difficult to bond with your son. You know why he's formed an attachment to me? Because I treat him like an adult. You still treat him like a boy.

Michael Dawson: He's 10 years old.

John Locke: He's been through more than most people in their entire lifetimes. Maybe you haven't spent enough time with him to see it, but he's different.

Michael Dawson: What did you say?

John Locke: And we're not back home, Michael. As long as we're here, I think Walt should be allowed to realize his potential.

Michael Dawson: Stay away from my son. And me.

Walt Lloyd: Am I being punished?

Michael Dawson: What? You think working with your old man is punishment? No, man, this us taking control of our destiny.

Walt Lloyd: Feels like punishment.

Jack Shephard: What is that?

Charlie Pace: Claire's diary.

Sayid Jarrah: You read her diary?

Charlie Pace: Yeah, I know. I'm bloody scum.

Ethan Rom: [to Charlie about Claire] You bring her here. If you don't, I'm going to kill one of them. And then, if you don't bring her back before sundown tomorrow, I'll kill another, and another, and another. One every day. And Charlie? I'll kill you last.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Looks like ol' Steve drew the short straw.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dude, that was Scott.

Claire Littleton: I remember peanut butter. Why do I remember peanut butter?

Charlie Pace: It was imaginary peanut butter, actually.

Jack Shephard: Do you know how to use a gun?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Well, there's one polar bear that seems to think so.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Winner by a knockout. Nice one, Doc. Now maybe somebody can tell me who or what this son of a bitch is.

[Ethan moves to get up, Sawyer aims his gun at him]

James "Sawyer" Ford: Unh-unh-unh, Jungle Boy. Not even for one second.

Charlie Pace: Hurley, look, I appreciate the help. You don't have to. I killed Ethan, I can bury him.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah, 'til he rises from the dead. Dude, I know how this works. This is going to end with you and me running through the jungle screaming and crying. He catches me first because I'm heavy and I get cramps.

[Kate and Sawyer are playing "I Never"]

James "Sawyer" Ford: I never been to Disneyland.

[Kate doesn't drink.]

James "Sawyer" Ford: Ah, that's just sad.

Kate Austen: I never wore pink.

[Sawyer drinks.]

Kate Austen: I knew it.

James "Sawyer" Ford: The '80's. I never voted democrat.

[Kate doesn't drink.]

Kate Austen: I never voted.

[Sawyer drinks.]

James "Sawyer" Ford: I've never been in love.

Kate Austen: You've never been in love?

James "Sawyer" Ford: I ain't drinking, am I?

[Kate drinks.]

Kate Austen: I've never had a one night stand.

[Sawyer drinks.]

Kate Austen: Bottoms up, sailor.

James "Sawyer" Ford: I've gotta drink for each one.

Kate Austen: Your turn.

James "Sawyer" Ford: I've never been married.

[Kate drinks a small sip.]

Kate Austen: It didn't last very long. I never blamed a boar for all my problems.

[Sawyer drinks.]

James "Sawyer" Ford: I never cared about having carte blanche because I just wanted to spend some time with the only other person on this Island that just don't belong.

[Kate drinks.]

Kate Austen: I never carried a letter around for 20 years because I couldn't get over my baggage.

[Sawyer drinks.]

James "Sawyer" Ford: I never killed a man.

[Kate drinks. Sawyer drinks.]

James "Sawyer" Ford: Well, looks like we got something in common, after all.

John Locke: My sister, Jeanie, died when I was a boy. Fell off the monkey bars and broke her neck. And my mother, well, my foster mother, she blamed herself, of course. She thought she wasn't watching close enough. So, she stopped eating, stopped sleeping. The neighbors started talking, afraid she might do something to herself, I guess. [Sipping coffee] Oh, that's good. Anyway, about 6 months after Jeanie's funeral, this golden retriever comes padding up our driveway, walks right into our house, sits down on the floor, and looks right at my mother, there on the couch. And my mother looks back at the dog. After about a minute of this, of them both staring at each other like that, my mother burst into tears. Beautiful dog, no tags, no collar, healthy, and sweet. The dog slept in Jeanie's old room, on Jeanie's old bed and stayed with us until my mother passed 5 years later. Then, disappeared back to wherever it was she came from in the first place.

Kate Austen: So, you're saying the dog was your sister?

John Locke: Well, that would be silly. But my mother thought it was, thought that Jeanie had come back to tell her the accident wasn't her fault, let her off the hook.

Christian Shephard: You know why they call Australia down under, don't you? Because it's as close as you can get to hell without being burned.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [to bartender] How about you leave the bottles? [to Christian] What'd you handle, back in the States?

Christian Shephard: I was a Chief of Surgery.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Was?

Christian Shephard: Yeah, was.

James "Sawyer" Ford: So, we're in hell, huh?

Christian Shephard: Don't let the air conditioning fool you, son. You are here, too. You are suffering. But, don't beat yourself up about it. It's fate. Some people are just supposed to suffer. That's why the Red Sox will never win the damn series. I have a son who's about your age. He's not like me, he does what's in his heart. He's a good man, maybe a great one. And right now, he thinks that I hate him. He thinks I feel betrayed by him. But what I really feel is gratitude, and pride because of what he did to me. What he did for me. It took more courage than I have. There's a pay phone over here. I could pick it up and I could call my son. I could tell him about all this. I could tell him that I love him. One simple phone call and I could fix everything.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Why don't you?

Christian Shephard: Because I am weak.

Frank Duckett: [to Sawyer, who has just shot him] It'll come back around.

[about Boone]

Shannon Rutherford: Well, if you do see him, tell him to keep his stupid mouth shut. And if he does have something to say, he can leave Sayid out of it, and come say it to my face.

John Locke: Should I be writing this down?

Shannon Rutherford: Just tell him to stay the hell out of my business.

John Locke: Do you like him?

Shannon Rutherford: What?

John Locke: Sayid.

Shannon Rutherford: Are you serious?

John Locke: Because if you do - like him, what's it got to do with your brother? You're a grown woman. Sure, you can yell at Boone 'til you're blue in the face, but all you're doing is giving him what he wants.

Shannon Rutherford: Yeah, what's that?

John Locke: Your attention. Everyone gets a new life on this Island, Shannon. Maybe it's time you start yours.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Folks down on the beach might have been doctors and accountants a month ago, but it's Lord of the Flies time, now.

Sun Hwa-Kwon: My husband is many things. But he is not a liar.

James "Sawyer" Ford: You gonna lecture us about lying, Betty? From the look on his face even your old man here didn't know you speak English!

John Locke: We're so intent on pointing the finger at one another that we're ignoring the simple undeniable truth that the problem isn't here, it's there! [pointing to the jungle] They've attacked us! Sabotaged us, abducted us. Murdered us! Maybe it's time we stop blaming us and start worrying about them! We're not the only people on this island and we all know it!

Jin Soo-Kwon: [about Sun] In a good world... she would hate her father, not me.

Jin's father: It is a good world.

Carmen Reyes: Where are you taking me? You know very well I don't like suprises.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Oh, you're going to like this one, Ma. I mean, after everything you've been through...like Grandpa...

Carmen Reyes: [Crosses self, says prayer in Spanish]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Then at the funeral, Father Aguilar getting struck by lightning. Man, that was a freak storm. And Diego moving back home after Lisa left him for that...waitress.

Carmen Reyes: Don't mention that whore to me!

Martha Toomey: Sam and Leonard were stationed at a listening post monitoring long wave transmissions out of the Pacific. Boring job. Sam hated it, nothing to do but listen to static night after night. Until one night, about 16 years ago, there's something in the static, a voice comes through, a voice repeating those numbers over and over again. [Hurley nearly spills his tea.] A couple of days later we're at the fair in Kalgoorlie and some wally there has got this jar, must have been big as a pony, and it's filled to the rim with beans. Fella's offering 50 grand to anyone able to guess how many beans are in that jar, within 10.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Sam used the numbers?

Martha Toomey: Yep, the answer was exact. To the bean. Men had been running the same scam for 40 years and nobody had ever come close. So we won the money. On the way home a pick-up truck blows a tire on the highway, hits us head on. Lost my leg that night.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What about Sam?

Martha Toomey: Barely a scratch. Most people would consider themselves lucky, but not him. He was never the same after that. He started keeping a record. Anything terrible that happened to anyone around us, he believed it was all because he used those numbers. He moved us out here in the middle of nowhere hoping it would stop.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Did it? Did he ever find a way to make it stop?

Martha Toomey: Yep. He put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. What is it you're looking for Mr. Reyes?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I used them, the numbers, to win the lottery. And now I think I'm under the same curse.

Martha Toomey: Curse? There's no curse.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: But you just told me...

Martha Toomey: You think I'd still have my leg if Sam hadn't have picked the right number of beans?! You think that floods wouldn't have happened?! That homes wouldn't have burned down?! That people wouldn't have died?!

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Well, yeah.

Martha Toomey: You make your own luck, Mr. Reyes. Don't blame it on the damn numbers. You're looking for an excuse that doesn't exist.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What do these numbers mean? Please.

Danielle Rousseau: I don't know.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What? You don't know? Okay, that thing in the woods, maybe it's a monster, maybe it's a pissed off giraffe, I don't know! The fact that no one is even looking for us, yeah, that's weird, but I just go along with it because I'm along for the ride, good old fun time Hurley! Well guess what? Now, I want some friggin' answers!

Claire Littleton: I'm pregnant, single, and on an Island in the middle of nowhere.

Charlie Pace: You think you're the only person with baggage? You know what I was doing when the plane went down? I was snorting heroin in the toilet. I was such a junkie I couldn't even take a plane ride with out having a fix. I suppose that was your fault, as well? - So how about it?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What?

Charlie Pace: I just told you the biggest secret of my life. I thought you'd want to reciprocate.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Okay. Back home I'm worth 156 million dollars.

Charlie Pace: Fine. Don't tell me.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dude.

Charlie Pace: I bare my soul, and all I get is bloody jokes!

Jack Shephard: [on helping Sawyer] ...all I'm gonna get is a snappy one-liner, and, if I'm lucky, a brand-new nickname.

John Locke: [about Emily Locke] She said that I didn't have a father - that I was immaculately conceived.

Anthony Cooper: [laughing] Really? Well, I guess that makes me god, huh?

Jack Shephard: [diagnosing Sawyer] Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?

James "Sawyer" Ford: What's that got to do with my headaches?

Jack Shephard: Maybe a lot.

James "Sawyer" Ford: ...yes.

Jack Shephard: Have you ever contracted an STD? [Sawyer is silent] I'll take that as a yes. When was your last outbreak?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Go to hell, Doc.

Kate Austen: I know he deserved it, but...

Jack Shephard: He needs glasses.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: [on Sawyer's new glasses] Dude, looks like someone steamrolled Harry Potter.

John Locke: [banging on the hatch] I've done everything you wanted me to do, so why did you do this to me?!

James "Sawyer" Ford: The man's got what I call an overzealous work ethic.

Michael Dawson: Try obsession. He wants off this Island bad, man.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Can't say I blame poor Kato. His lady speaks English all this time and he didn't have a clue? I'm surprised he didn't try to swim out of here.

Shannnon Rutherford: Are you lost?

Sayid Jarrah: No, absolutely not. Those trees look really familiar. It's this way...I think.

Shannnon Rutherford: Did you just say 'I think'?

Boone Carlyle: [to Jack] I know you made a promise. I'm letting you off the hook. Let me go, Jack.

Boone Carlyle: Tell Shannon... Tell Shannon... Tell... [dies]

Jack Shephard: He didn't die, he was murdered.

Kate Austen: Where are you going?

Jack Shephard: To find John Locke.

Sayid Jarrah: I didn't know Boone very well, and for that I am sorry. On our sixth day here a woman named Joanna died. She drowned. And Boone was the first one into the water. I didn't know him, but I remember his courage. And I know he will be missed.

John Locke: It was my fault. We found a plane, a Beechcraft, in the jungle. It was lodged in the canopy so - I would have gone up, but I - my leg was hurt so he - there was a radio inside and he thought he could - look, his weight must have made the plane shift and it fell - and - it happened because he was trying to help us. He was a hero.

Jack Shephard: [approaching Locke] Where were you? Where were you? Where the hell were you, you son of a bitch?!

Shannnon Rutherford: You asked if you could do anything for me.

Sayid Jarrah: Anything.

Shannnon Rutherford: John Locke killed my brother. Will you do something about that?

Kate Austen: I crushed up some sleeping pills and put them in your juice.

Jack Shephard: You drugged me?

Kate Austen: Yeah.

Jack Shephard: Oh. Okay.

Sayid Jarrah: [noticing the scar where Locke's kidney was removed] What's that?

John Locke: War wound.

Sayid Jarrah: Looks more like a surgical scar.

John Locke: Like I said, war wound.

Sayid Jarrah: Take me to the hatch.

John Locke: What? I already showed you...

Sayid Jarrah: John! No more lies.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Why are we listening to Arzt?

Leslie Arzt: Because I'm a doctor, and you're a hillbilly.

James "Sawyer" Ford: You're a damn high school science teacher.

Jack Shephard: [about the hatch] Best case scenario there's supplies - worst case, we use it as a shelter.

Sayid Jarrah: Actually, Jack, I can think of much worse cases than that. You notice anything about this hatch? There's no handle. Could the reason for that be more obvious?! Maybe it was never meant to be opened from the outside.

Charlie Pace: Okay, check this out. This is track 2. It's called...Sorry. It's called "Monster Eats the Pilot".

Jack Shephard: Who's coming?

Danielle Rousseau: The Others. You have only 3 choices: run, hide...or die.

John Locke: You booby-trapped your shelter with explosives. You have any more?

Danielle Rousseau: Dynamite, at the Black Rock, in the dark territory.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Well, that's 3 reasons to go right there.

James "Sawyer" Ford: By the time you get back we'll be in the water. Guess this is pretty much goodbye, then.

Jack Shephard: Yeah, I guess it is. Good luck, Sawyer.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [beat] Jack! About a week before we all got on the plane I got to talking to this man in a bar in Sydney. He was American, too. A doctor. I've been on some benders in my time, but this guy he was going for an all time record. It turns out this guy has a son his son's a doctor, too. They had some kind of big time falling out. The guy knew it was his fault even though his son was back in the States thinking the same damn thing.

[Jack starts to recognize who Sawyer's talking about]

James "Sawyer" Ford: See, kids are like dogs: you knock 'em around enough, they'll think they did something to deserve it. Anyway, there's a pay phone in this bar. And this guy, Christian... tells me he wishes he had the stones to pick up the phone, call his kid, tell him he's sorry, that he's a better doctor than he'll ever be he's proud and he loves him. I had to take off, but something tells me he never got around to making that call. Small world, huh?

Jack Shephard: [unable to hold back tears] Yeah...

James "Sawyer" Ford: Good luck, Jack.

Australian Official: [taking Kate's toy plane out of the Marshal's case] What's this, then?

Edward Mars: That's a good story, you want to tell it, huh, Kate? [Mars takes the plane] This belonged to her childhood sweetheart, who she got killed a couple of years ago when she was on the run. Poor guy - a wife, a 2 year old kid. What was his name? Hmm? Well, somewhere along the way during the 3 years that I was chasing her, she starts calling me, at my house, and whining on about her mitigating circumstances. But what she's really doing...is taunting me. So, I tell her that I've got whats-his-name's little toy airplane in a safe deposit box in New Mexico. So, she somehow figures out which bank, which safe deposit box. She seduces some idiot to rob the damn bank, and then she puts a bullet in her new friend because she's done using him. But she leaves all the money. She just takes the plane...because that's the one thing in the whole world that Kate does care about. She has no attachments, and I think she's telling herself she needs it to atone for killing her boyfriend, whats-his-name. God, Kate, c'mon, what was his name?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: So, Arnzt.

Leslie Arzt: No. Not Arnzt. Arzt. A-R-Z-T.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Sorry, man. Your name's hard to pronounce.

Leslie Arzt: Well, I know a bunch of ninth graders who pronounce it just fine.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: How 'bout I just call you by your first name?

Leslie Arzt: How 'bout you don't?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Why not? I remember it from the plane's manifest. I think Leslie's a bitchin' name.

Leslie Arzt: Arnzt is fine.

[at the Black Rock]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: How exactly does something like this happen?

Danielle Rousseau: Are you on the same island as I am?

Leslie Arzt: You know what? I'm - I'm sorry, I'm so... I'm sorry that I'm not cool enough to be part of your merry little band of adventurers.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What?

Leslie Arzt: I know a clique when I see it. I teach high school, pal-y. You know, you people think you're the only ones on this Island doing anything of value. I've got news for you. There were 40 other survivors of this plane crash. And we are all people, too.

Leslie Arzt: Do any of you have any idea what happens to dynamite in 90+ degree heat, huh? [Arzt pries open the crate with a pocket knife] So you know? Any of you? It sweats nitroglycerin. [Jack starts moving toward him] Whoa, hey, what you doing? Did I ask you to come closer? [He removes a stick of dynamite from the crate] Dynamite is nitroglycerin stabilized by clay. Nitroglycerin is the most dangerous and unstable explosive known to man. Hey, Kate give me your shirt. Now, princess, give me your shirt. I need to wrap the dynamite. Just throw it to me, right here. Be careful, c'mon, hurry up. [She gives him her shirt] Okay, good, now back up, back up, back up. Just back up. Get out of my way. Any of you ever hear about the guy who invented nitroglycerin? Probably not - because he blew his freaking face off. [Arzt wets Kate's shirt and wraps it around the dynamite] His lab assistant came into the room, saw that his mentor detonated, and he said, "Huh, I guess this stuff does work." Alright, we're not going to take any more of this stuff than we need because nitroglycerin is extremely temperamental, so we-

[Arzt waves the dynamite carelessly, causing it to detonate and blow himself up]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: [to Jack] You got some... Arnzt on you.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [reading private messages] Who the hell is Hugo and how's he got a 160 million dollars to leave to his mom?

Jack Shephard: What the hell was all that about back there, John?

John Locke: What was what about?

Jack Shephard: You asked me to let you go.

John Locke: That's right.

Jack Shephard: That thing was taking you down the hole and you asked me to let you go.

John Locke: It wasn't going to hurt me.

Jack Shephard: No, John, it was going to kill you.

John Locke: I seriously doubt that.

Jack Shephard: Look, I need for you - I need for you to explain to me what the hell's going on inside your head, John. I need to know why you believe that that thing wasn't going to...

John Locke: I believe that I was being tested.

Jack Shephard: Tested?

John Locke: Yeah, tested. I think that's why you and I don't see eye-to-eye sometimes, Jack - because you're a man of science.

Jack Shephard: Yeah, and what does that make you?

John Locke: Me, well, I'm a man of faith. Do you really think all this is an accident - that we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence - especially, this place? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason, all of us. Each one of us was brought here for a reason.

Jack Shephard: Brought here? And who brought us here, John?

John Locke: The island. The island brought us here. This is no ordinary place, you've seen that, I know you have. But the island chose you, too, Jack. It's destiny.

Jack Shephard: Did you talk with Boone about destiny, John?

John Locke: Boone was a sacrifice that the island demanded. What happened to him at that plane was a part of a chain of events that led us here - that led us down a path - that led you and me to this day, to right now.

Jack Shephard: And where does that path end, John?

John Locke: The path ends at the hatch. The hatch, Jack - all of it - all of it happened so that we could open the hatch.

Jack Shephard: No, no, we're opening the hatch so that we can survive.

John Locke: Survival is all relative, Jack.

Jack Shephard: I don't believe in destiny.

John Locke: Yes, you do. You just don't know it yet.

Michael Dawson: Since the day you told me you wanted on this raft, I couldn't figure it out. Why does a guy who only cares about himself want to risk his life to save everyone else? The way I see it, there's only two choices - you're either a hero or you want to die.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Well, I ain't no hero, Mike.

Jack Shephard: Everybody wants me to be a leader until I make a decision that they don't like. You want to keep second guessing me, Kate? That's your call. There's something that you need to know - if we survive this, if we survive tonight - we're going to have a Locke problem. And I have to know that you've got my back.

Kate Austen: I've got your back.

Tom Friendly: What's going on?! What are you folks doing this far out here?!

Michael Dawson: We were, we were - the plane crashed! We were on the Island for a month, man!

Tom Friendly: Plane crash, huh? Well, how about that?

Michael Dawson: We were on an Island - oh, flight 815 - hey, where are we?!

Tom Friendly: Well, it's a good thing we found you.

Michael Dawson: Yeah, yeah, we survived and there's a whole group of people on the...

Tom Friendly: Well, ain't that something?

Michael Dawson: Yeah!

Tom Friendly: Only, the thing is, we're going to have to take the boy.

[the mood changes suddenly]

Michael Dawson: What? What'd you say?

Tom Friendly: The boy, we're going to have to take him.

Michael Dawson: Hey, what the hell's going on here? Who are you people?

Tom Friendly: Just give us the boy.

Michael Dawson: I'm not giving you anybody.

Tom Friendly: Well, alright then.

[Tom shuts the boat light off, and the Others attack]

Bobby: Where's your brother?

Sam: Polling the electorate.

Bobby: What?

Sam: Never mind.

Sam: Let me see your knife.

Dean: What for?

Sam: So I can gouge my eyes out. (laughs)

Dean: It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam.

Sam: That's a part of you I never wanted to see, Dean.

Bobby: So, we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we?

Dean: Well, sold my soul. Got a year to live. I ain't sweatin' the cholesterol

Isaac: A family that slays together...

Isaac: I've locked my keys in the car, turned my laundry pink... never brought on the end of the world, though.

Sam: Dean, what're you doing?

Dean: Comforting the bereaved. What're you doing?

Sam: Workin'. Dead body, possible demon attack, that kinda stuff.

Dean: (fake coughing) Sam, I'm sorry. It's just, you know, I don't have much time left. And, uh... (more coughing) ...gotta make every second count.

Bobby: Did you boys find anything around here?

Sam: No sulfur, nothing.

Dean: Well, maybe something. (looks at security camera) See? I'm working.

Bobby: You sure this is the right place?

Dean: No. But I spent all day canvasing this stupid town with this guy's stupid mug, and supposedly he drinks at this stupid bar...

Sam: It's suicide, Dean!

Dean: So what? I'm dead already!

Bobby: Do you have any idea who we're up against?

Dean: No, who?

Bobby: The Seven Deadly Sins, live and in the flesh.

Dean: (laughs) What's in the box? (silence) Brad Pitt... Se7en... no? (shuts up as Bobby hits him with a book)

Dean: What do you want?

Envy: We already have what we want.

Dean: What's that?

Envy: We're out, we're free. Thanks to you, my kind are everywhere.

Envy: Some people crochet, others golf. Me? I like to see people's insides on their outside.

Envy: You really think you're better than me. Which one of you can cast the first stone, huh? What about you, Dean? You're practically a...a walking billboard of gluttony and lust.

Sam: Look, if we're going down, we're going down together.

Bobby: (to Gluttony) "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son".

Dean: I suppose you're Lust.

Lust: Baby, I'm whatever you want me to be.

Dean: Yeah, alright. Just stay back.

Lust: Or what?

Dean: Good point.

Pride: Come on. You really think something like that is gonna fool someone like me? I mean me.

Sam: Let me guess. You're Pride.

Sam: Who the hell are you?

Ruby: I'm the girl that just saved your ass.

Dean: You look like hell warmed over.

Bobby: You try exorcising all night, see how you feel.

Sam: Any survivors, Bobby?

Bobby: Well, the pretty girl and the heavy guy, they'll make it. A lifetime of therapy bills ahead, but still…

Dean: I'm just gonna ask it again... who was that masked chick? Actually, the more troubling question would be, "How come a girl can fight better than you?"

Sam: Three demons, Dean... at once.

Dean: Hey, whatever it takes to get you through the night, pal.

Sam: If you want a troubling question I got one for ya.

Dean: What's that?

Sam: If we let out the Seven Deadly Sin's, what else did we let out?

Dean: (pause) You're right. That is troubling.

Sam: Hey Bobby, we can win this war, right?

Bobby: (silence) Catch you on the next one.

Sam: I've been bending over backwards trying to be nice to you, and... I don't care anymore.

Dean: That didn't last long.

Sam: You're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken. And now you go and do the same thing… to me. What you did was selfish.

Dean: Yeah. You're right. Was selfish. But I'm okay with that.

Sam: I'm not.

Dean: Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think I'm entitled.

Dean: I don't know. It's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sam: That's hellfire, Dean.

Dean: Eh, whatever.

Dean: I got a year to live, Sam. I'd like to make the most of it. So what do you say we kill some evil sons of bitches and we raise a little hell, huh?

Sam: You're unbelievable.

Dean: Very true.

Sam: We don't know how many of them there are!

Bobby: Yeah we do! There are seven of them!

Tamara: I don't give a rats ass if they're "the Three Stooges" or "the Four Tops"!

Sam: (trying to cover up his phone call) Oh, I was just ordering pizza.

Dean: Dude, you do realize that you're in a restaurant?

Sam: Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah... (lamely) I just felt like pizza, y'know?

Dean: Okay... Weirdy McWeirderton.

Sam: So let me get this straight. You want to drive all the way to Cicero just to hook up with some random chick?

Dean: She was a yoga teacher. That was the bendiest weekend of my life!

Sam: How many dying wishes are you going to get?

Dean: As many as I can squeeze out.

Dean: Come on, smile, Sam. God knows I'm going to be smiling after 24 hours with Gumby girl. (chuckles) Gumby Girl... does that make me Pokey?

Ben: (about the moon-bounce) You know who else thinks they're awesome? Chicks! It's like hot-chick city out there!

Ruby: (eating a French fry) Mmm, these are amazing. It's like deep fried crack. Try some.

Sam: That knife you had... you can kill demons with that thing?

Ruby: Sure comes in handy when I have to swoop in and save the damsel in distress.

Sam: Where'd you get it?

Ruby: Sky Mall.

Sam: Why are you following me?

Ruby: I'm interested in you.

Sam: Why?

Ruby: Because you're tall. I love a tall man!

Ben: No, don't go over there. Only bitches send a grown-up.

Dean: You're not wrong.

Ben: And I'm not a bitch.

Dean: (points to large kid with Ben's game) Is that Humphrey? The one that needs to lay off the burgers?

Dean: What? Somebody had to teach him to kick a bully in the nads.

Dean: We'll just bust in, drag the kids out, torch them in the front lawn. That'll play great with the neighbors.

Dean: Y'know how I never mentioned my job? This is my job.

Lisa: I so didn't want to know that.

Lisa: Ben may not be your kid, but he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. That's a lot, if you ask me.

Dean: You know, just for the record, you got a great kid. I would have been proud to be his dad.

Sam: You're a demon!

Ruby: Don't be such a racist.

Sam: Why would you wanna help me?

Ruby: I have my reasons. Not all demons are the same, Sam. Not all of us want the same thing. Me? I wanna help you from time to time. That's all... And if you let me, there's something in it for you.

Sam: What could you possibly...

Ruby: I could help you save your brother.

Kubrick: Don't play with my Jesus.

Dean: (reading from trophy) 1995.

Sam: No way. That's my Division Championship soccer trophy! I can't believe he kept this.

Dean: Yeah, it's probably the closest you ever came to being a boy. Oh, wow! It's my first sawed-off. I made it myself. Sixth grade.

Sam: Hi, uh, table for two please.

Waiter: Congratulations!

Dean: Exciting, I know.

Dean: Wow! You suck.

Dean: Sam? You okay?

Sam: (from the floor) Yeah, I'm good!

Sam: (despondently) I lost my shoe.

(Dean leads Sam into a motel room)

Sam: What am I even supposed to do, Dean?

Dean: Nothing, nothing! Come here. I don't want you doing- anything! I want you to sit right here, and don't move! Okay? Don't turn on the light, don't turn off the light, don't even scratch your nose!

Sam: (mouthing the words) scratch my nose? (checks to see that Dean has left, then scratches his nose)

Kubrick: I used to think your friend Gordon sent me.

Sam: (tied to a chair) Gordon-!? Oh, come on!

Kubrick: Yeah, 'cause he asked me to track you down... and put a bullet in your brain.

Sam: Great. That sounds like him.

Dean: So you're only out for yourself, huh? It's all about number one?

Bela: Being a hunter is so much more noble? A bunch of obsessed, revenge driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can't be saved?

Dean: Well, aren't you a glass half-full?

Dean: If it's any consolation, I think you're a truly awful person. (Bela shoots at Dean) See ya!

Dean: I'm Batman.

Sam: (sarcastically) Yeah, you're Batman.

Bela: (training a gun on Sam and Dean) Put the foot down honey!

Dean: You're not gonna shoot anybody. See, I happen to be able to read people. Okay, you're a thief, fine, but you're not gonna - (Bela shoots Sam) Son of a-!

Bela: Back off, tiger. Back off. You make one more move, and I'll pull the trigger. You've got the luck, Dean. You, I can't hit. But your brother? (aims the gun at him again) Him, I can't miss.

(pause)

Dean: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Bela: Relax it's just a shoulder hit! (sees Dean's face) I CAN aim!

Bela: Thanks very much. I'm now out one and a half million and on the bad side of a very powerful, fairly psychotic buyer

Dean: Wow... I really don't feel bad about that. Sam?

Sam: Nope. Not even a little.

Dean: Oh, don't go away angry. Just go away.

Dean: SON OF A BITCH!

Kubrik: Sam Winchester is more than a monster. He's the Adversary.

Gordon And what was it that convinced you?

Kubrik: God led me to him, and His will is clear.

Gordon: (nodding slowly) Okay. That's great. Glad to have you on board.

Dean: There's got to be a demon or two in South Beach.

Sam: Sorry, Hef, maybe next time.

Dean: (about the Colt) So if we wanna go check out these omens in Ohio, think you can have that thing ready by this afternoon?

Bobby: Well, it won't kill demons by then, but I can promise it'll kill you.

Dean: (referring to Richie) No way he gets a girl like that. I mean, look at her. You could fit that ass on a nickel.

Sam: No offense, but what are you doing here, Father?

Father Gil: Like it or not, you go where your flock is.

Casey: Plus the clergy drinks for free.

Sam: You drink hurricanes?

Dean: I do now.

Richie: Wow, this is, er, charming. You sure you wouldn't be more comfortable in a bedroom, or, uh, my motel room? I mean, not for nothing, but you know... I got oils.

Casey: But I have toys.

Richie: Yeah, no, toys trump oils.

Sam: (on Dean not eating the hamburger in front of him) You do realize there is red meat within striking distance, right?

Ruby: Cute piece.

Bobby: Who are you?

Ruby: Won't stop a demon, if that's what you think.

Bobby: How the hell would you know?

Ruby: Oh, I don't know... (blackens her eyes) Call it an educated guess.

Bobby: Well, ain't I lucky then? Found a subject for a test fire...

(Bobby raises the Colt)

Ruby:(laughs)Luck had nothing to do with it. But hey, by all means, take your best shot.

(Bobby hesitates, Ruby becomes impatient)

Ruby: Ugh...are you gonna stand there like a pantywaist? Or are you gonna shoot-!

(Bobby shoots her, she looks down at the wound, then looks back at Bobby)

Ruby: Ouch. This smarts a little...

Bobby: What do you want?

Ruby: Peace on earth, a new shirt...Now, do you want me to help you out with that gun, or not?

Hooker: Normally I charge four hundred a night. Why don't we call it an even deuce, and get the hell out of here?

Dean: What do I look like?

Hooker: What do I look like? Cheapskate.

Casey: Did I just see you strike out with a prostitute? How's that work?

Dean: Oh, I forgot to mention, Richie was a friend of mine. When I realized I could track the GPS on his cell phone I swung by earlier, to give him a proper burial. It's better than rotting in some skank's basement.

Dean: What are you laughing at, bitch? You're still trapped.

Casey: So are you... bitch.

Dean: Why do you demons have such smart mouths.

Casey: It's a gift.

Dean: (trying an exorcism from memory) Spiritus emundi, undalara, persona tote… (trails off, lost)

Casey: Nice try, but I think you just ordered a pizza. Guess you should have paid more attention in Latin class.

Dean: I don't know what you're smiling about, you're not going anywhere.

Casey: And apparently neither are you.

Dean: Yeah, but I got somebody coming for me and uh... he did pay attention in class.

Casey: Oh, right - Sam. Everyone say's he's the brains of the outfit.

Dean: Everyone?

Casey: Sure. You Winchester boys are famous. Not Lohan famous, but you know.

Bartender: What's wrong with you? Think, I'm gonna give you a coworker's address just so you can go over there and get your freaky peeping tom rocks off? (Sam hands him money) Corner of Piermont and Clinton. Have fun.

Casey: Why don't you relax?

Dean: Why don't you kiss my ass?

Casey: Why, Dean, you're a poet. I had no idea.

Casey: Hey, I didn't pull any triggers.

Dean: Yeah? You did something.

Casey: You want to know what I did - what I really did? I had lunch.

Dean: Lunch?

Casey: Me and Trotter. He had a cheeseburger, I had a salad, and I just pointed out the money that could be made with a few businesses that cater to harmless vice. So Trotter built it, and, man, did they come. Supposedly god-fearing folk, waist-deep in booze, sex, gambling. I barely lifted a finger.

Dean: That's it?

Casey: You don't get it. All you got to do is nudge humans in the right direction. Some whiskey here, a hooker there, and they'll walk right into hell with big,fat smiles on their faces. Your kind is corrupt, Dean. Weak. Our will's stronger. That's why we'll win.

Dean: And that's how it ends?

Casey: No. That's how it begins.

Casey: (to Dean) I mean this past century, you people racked up a body count that amazed even us. It's our turn now. And we're gonna do it right this time.

Casey: So you see? Is my kind really all that different than yours?

Dean: Well, except that, uh, demons are evil.

Casey: And humans are such a lovable bunch. Dick Cheney.

Dean: He one of yours?

Casey: Not yet. But let's just say he's got a parking spot reserved for him downstairs.

Casey: Why, Dean. If I didn't know better, I'd say that's lust in your eyes. Well, it would be one way to spend the time. But I don't think you'd respect me in the morning.

Dean: That's okay: I mean hey, I barely respect you now.

Dean: Azazel?

Casey: What, you think his friends just called him Yellow-Eyes? He had a name.

Dean: Think something's wrong with my brother?

Bobby: Nah. Demons lie. I'm sure Sam's okay.

Dean: (doubtfully) Yeah.

Sam: For some reason, you're fighting on our side. Now tell me: why is that, again?

Ruby: Go screw yourself, that's why.

Ruby: (to Sam) On the bright side, I'll be there with you - that little fallen angel on your shoulder.

Kyle: This guy, he killed my brothers. How would you feel?

Sam: Can't imagine anything worse.

Sam: Actually, I do have a theory. Sort of.

Dean: Hit me.

Sam: Well, I'm thinking about fairy tales.

Dean: Oh, that's... that's nice. You think about fairy tales often?

Sam: Then we got the three brothers, arguing over how to build houses, attacked by the big, bad wolf.

Dean: Three little pigs.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Actually, those guys were a little chubby.

Dean: I thought all those things ended with everyone living happily ever after.

Sam: No, no, not the originals. See, the Grimm Brothers stuff was kind of like the folklore of its day, full of sex, violence, cannibalism. Now, it got sanitized over the years and turned into Disney flicks and bedtime stories.

Dean: So you think the murders are what, a re-enactment? That's a little crazy.

Sam: Crazy as what? Every day of our lives?

Dean: Touché.

Sam: (staring at frog on the road) Yeah, you're right, that's completely normal.

Dean: All right, maybe it is fairy tales. Totally messed-up fairy tales. I'll tell you one thing, there's no way I'm kissing a damned frog.

Sam: (gesturing to pumpkin on porch) Hey, check that out.

Dean: Yeah? It's close to Halloween.

Sam: Remember Cinderella? The pumpkin that turns into the coach and the mice that become horses?

Dean: Dude! Could you be more gay? Don't answer that.

Sam: I think it's Snow White.

Dean: Snow White? Ah, I saw that movie. Oh, porn version anyways. There was this wicked Stepmother (hoots) she was wicked.

Dean: You find a way to stop Callie, all right.

Sam: What about you?

Dean: I'm gonna go stop the big bad wolf. Which is the weirdest thing I've ever said.

Dr. Garrison: You're not a cop, are you?

Sam: No.

Dr. Garrison: Then who are you?

Sam: Someone who knows a little bit about this kind of thing.

Dean: See you around, Doc.

Dr. Garrison: I sure hope not.

Dean: You know what he said. Some good advice.

Sam: Is that what you want me to do, Dean? Just let you go?

Crossroad Demon: What can I do for you, Sam?

Sam: You can beg for your life.

Crossroad Demon: We were having such a nice conversation. Then you had to go and ruin the mood.

Sam: If I were you, I'd drop the wisecracks and start acting scared.

Crossroad Demon: It's not my style. That's not the original Colt. Where did you get that? Ruby. Had to be. She is such a pain in my ass. She'll get what's coming to her. You can count on it.

Crossroad Demon: Aren't you tired of cleaning up Dean's messes? Of dealing with that broken psyche of his? Aren't you tired of being bossed around like a snot-nosed little brother? You're stronger than Dean. You're better than him.

Sam: Watch your mouth.

Crossroad Demon: Admit it. You're here, going through the motions, but truth is, you'll be a tiny bit relieved when he's gone.

Sam: Shut up.

Crossroad Demon: No more desperate, sloppy, needy Dean. You can finally be free.

Sam: Who's your boss? Who holds the contract?

Crossroad Demon: He's not as cuddly as me, I can tell you that.

Sam: Who is it?

Crossroad Demon: I can't tell you. I'm sorry, Sam, but there's no way out of this one. Not this time.

(Sam and Dean are in the car, Dean looks pissed)

Dean: So, I've been waiting since Maple Springs. You got something to tell me?

Sam: It's not your birthday..

Dean: No.

Sam: (thinks hard) ...Happy Purim?

(Dean gives Sam an angry look, Sam laughs)

Sam: Dude, I don't know! I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dean: There's a bullet missing from the Colt. You want to tell me how that happened? I know it wasn't me, so unless you were shooting at some incredibly evil cans.

Sam: Dean.

Dean: You went after her didn't you? The Crossroads Demon, after I told you not to.

Sam: Yeah, well.

Dean: You could have gotten yourself killed.

Sam: I didn't.

Dean: And you shot her?

Sam: She was a smartass.

Dean: What a crazy old broad.

Sam: Why, because she believes in ghosts?

Dean: Ha ha, look at you. Sticking up for your girlfriend, you cougar hound.

Sam: Bite me.

Dean: Hey, not if she bites you first.

Dean: So what happens? You see the ship and then a few hours later you pucker up and kiss your ass goodbye.

Sam: Basically.

Dean: What's the next step?

Sam: I gotta ID the boat.

Dean: That shouldn't be too hard. I mean, how many three-mast clipper ships have wrecked off the coast?

Sam: I checked that too actually, over 150.

Dean: Wow!

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Crap.

Sam: Mm-hmm.

Dean: This is where we parked the car, right?

Sam: I thought so.

Dean: Where's my car?

Sam: Did you feed the meter?

Dean: Yes, I fed the meter. Sam, where's my car? Somebody stole my car!

Sam: Hey, hey, calm down, Dean.

Dean: I am calmed down. Somebody stole my c... :(starts to hyperventilate)

Sam: Wow, Dean. Hey-hey-hey-hey, take it easy, take it easy.

Bela: The 67' Impala, was that yours?

Sam: Bela...

Bela: I'm sorry, I had that car towed.

Dean: You what?

Bela: Well, it was in a tow-away zone.

Dean: No, it wasn't!

Bela: It was when I finished with it.

Sam: How do you sleep at night?

Bela: On silk sheets, rolling naked in money.

Sam: You shot me.

Bela: I barely grazed you.

(Dean rolls eyes)

Bela: Cute. But a bit of a drama queen, yeah?

Bela: (to Dean) Now, I'd get to that car if I were you, before they find that arsenal in the trunk. Ciao.

Dean: Can I shoot her?

Sam: Not in public.

Bela: I see you got your car back.

Dean: You really want to come near me when I got a loaded gun in my hands?

Bela: Now, now. Mind your blood pressure.

Dean: Hey, Bela, how'd you get like this? Huh? What, your daddy not give you enough hugs or something?

Bela: I don't know. Your daddy give you enough? Don't you dare look down your nose at me. You're no better than I am.

Dean: We help people.

Bela: Come on! You do this out of vengeance and obsession. You're a stone's throw from being a serial killer.

(Dean looks over to Sam)

Bela: Whereas I on the other hand, I get paid to do a job, and I do it. So you tell me, which is healthier?

Sam: Bela, why don't you just leave? We've got work to do.

Bela: Yeah. You're 0 for 2. Bang up job so far.

Peter: You guys aren't cops. Not dressed like that, not-not in that crappy car.

Dean: Whoa, hey, no need to get nasty.

Dean: You can't save everybody, Sam.

Sam: Yeah, right, so, so… what? You feel better now, or what?

Dean: No, not really.

Sam: Me neither.

Dean: You got to understand…

Sam: It's just lately I feel like I can't save anybody.

Bela: So, how'd things go last night with Peter?

(Sam gives angry look)

Bela: That well, huh.

Dean: If you say "I told you so," I swear to God, I'll start swinging.

Bela: I think the three of us should have a heart-to-heart.

Dean: That's assuming you have a heart.

Dean: A Hand of Glory? I think I got one of those at the end of my Thai massage last week.

Bela: What is taking so long? Sam's already halfway there. With his date.

Dean: (upstairs) I am so not okay with this!

Bela: What are you, a woman? Come down already.

(Dean walks down steps, Bela gasps)

Dean: All right, get it out. I look ridiculous.

Bela: Not exactly the word I'd use.

Bela: You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.

Dean: (after thinking hard) Don't objectify me.

Sam: Exactly how long do you expect me to entertain my date?

Bela: As long as it takes.

Dean: Look. There's security all over this place, alright. This is an uncrashable party, without Gert's invitation, so.

Sam: We can crash anything, Dean.

Dean: Yeah I know, but this is easier and it's a lot more entertaining.

Sam: You know, there are limits to what I'll do, right?

Dean: Ah, he's playing hard-to-get. That's cute.

Bela: What do you suggest?

Dean: I'm thinking…

Bela: Don't strain yourself.

(about Bela to the Guard)

Dean: You think she's a pain in the ass now, try living with her.

Bela: (to Dean) I didn't want you thinking... you're not very good at that. Oh, look at you, searching for a witty rejoinder.

Dean: Screw you.

Bela: Very Oscar Wilde.

Guard: (knocking on door, looking for Dean and Bela after Bela pretended to faint) Sir? Ma'am? Everything alright?

Bela: (answers door, holding the top of her dress up) Hi.

Guard: Feeling better, I see?

Bela: Yes, much. Thank you.

Guard So if you're done with the room?

Bela: Well...Not exactly. Could we have a few more minutes?

Guard: Um...Yes, ma'am.

(Bela closes the door and the guard starts back down the hall)

Bela Stop it! That tickles!

(the guard runs into Dean coming up the stairs)

Dean: Oh! Sorry. Uh...Nature called.

Guard: Uh-huh.

Dean: (nodding towards the room Bela's in) Thanks for looking after my wife.

Guard: Oh, she's being looked after alright.

Bela: I'm going to go get Gert into a cold shower.

Dean: (to Sam) You stink like sex.

Dean: (about Bela) You know what? You're right. I'm not going to kill her. I think slow torture's the way to go.

Dean: I can't BELIEVE she got another one over on us!

Sam: You.

Dean: What?

Sam: I mean, she got one over on you, not us.

Dean: Thank you, Sam! Very helpful.

Bela: I sold it. I had a buyer lined up as soon as I knew it existed.

Sam: So the whole reason for us goin' to the charity ball was...?

Bela: I needed a cover. You were convenient.

Sam: Look you sold it to a buyer, just go buy it back.

Bela: It's half way across the ocean, I can't get it back in time.

Dean: In time for what?

Sam: What's going on with you, Bela? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Bela: I saw the ship.

Dean: You what? Wow, you know... I.. I knew you were an immoral, thieving, con-artist bitch, but just when I thought my opinion of you couldn't get any lower...

Dean: So who was it, Bela? Hmm? Who'd you kill? Was it daddy? Your little sis, maybe?

Bela: It's none of your business.

Dean: No... right. Well, have a nice life, you know whatever's left of it. (grabs jacket) Sam, let's go.

Bela: You can't just leave me here.

Dean: Watch us.

Bela: Please. I need your help.

Dean: Our help? Well, now how could a couple of serial killers possibly help you?

Bela: Do you really think this is going to work?

Dean: Almost definitely not.

Bela: You boys should learn to lock your doors. Anyone could just barge in.

Sam: Anyone just did.

Bela: (after handing Dean and Sam money) I don't like being in anyone's debt.

Dean: So ponying up ten grand is easier for you then a simple "thank you"? You're so damaged.

Bela: Takes one to know one.

Sam: I don't want you to worry about me, Dean. I want you to worry about you. I want you to give a crap that you're dying! So that's it? Nothing else to say for you?

Dean: I think maybe I'll play craps.

Gordon: Sam Winchester's the Antichrist.

Bela: Ooh. I'd heard something about that…

Gordon: It's true.

Bela: …from my good friend, the Easter Bunny. Who'd heard it from the Tooth Fairy. Are you off your meds?

Bela: You make me an offer and I think you'll find me highly cooperative.

Gordon: Okay, how about you tell me where they are, or I kill you right now?

Gordon: I can wrangle up three grand.

Bela: I don't get out of bed for three grand.

Dean: Well, what can I say? I'm a badass.

Bela: Gordon Walker paid me to tell him where you were.

Dean: Excuse me?

Bela: Well, he had a gun on me. What else was I supposed to do?

Dean: I don't know, maybe pick up the phone and tell us that a raging psychopath was dropping by?

Bela: I did fully intend to call. I just got a bit sidetracked.

Dean: He tried to kill us!

Bela: I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was such a big deal. After all, there are two of you and one of him.

Dean: There were two of them.

Dean: Bela, if we make it out of this alive, the first thing I'm gonna do is kill you.

Bela: You're not serious.

Dean: Listen to my voice, and tell me if I'm serious.

Dixon: You're a big part of why my people are nearly extinct, Gordon.

Gordon: Your "people" are going extinct because you're a bunch of mindless, bloodthirsty animals.

Gordon: Daughters? Try "fang whores."

Sam: That vampire's still out there, Dean.

Dean: First things first.

Sam: Gordon.

Dean: About that, when we find him or if he finds us..

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Well I'm just saying he's not leaving us a whole lot of options.

Sam: Yeah, I know... we gotta kill him.

Dean: Really? Just like that? I thought you would have been like; "No we can't, he's a human, it's wrong."

Sam: No I'm done. I mean Gordon's not gonna stop until we're dead... or until he is.

Dixon: I was desperate. You ever felt desperate? I've lost everyone I ever loved. I'm staring down eternity alone. Can you think of a worse hell?

Dean: Well...there's Hell.

Gordon: They turned me.

Kubrick: Those fangs?...I'm sorry. You know what this means.

Gordon: It means you have to kill me. But not yet.

Kubrick: What do you mean?

Gordon: You have to let me do one last thing first.

Kubrick: What?

Gordon: Kill Sam Winchester.

Kubrick: Gordon.

Gordon: It's the only... it is the one good thing to come out of this nightmare. I'm stronger, I'm faster. I can finish him.

Dean: It's like a giant haystack and Gordon's a deadly needle.

Dean: It's just another day at the office. It's a massively dangerous day at the office.

Sam: You know what, man? I'm sick and tired of your old stupid kamikaze trick.

Dean: Whoa, whoa. Kamikaze? I'm more like a ninja.

Sam: That's not funny.

Dean: It's a little funny.

Sam: No, it's not.

Dean: What do you want me to do, Sam, huh? Sit around all day writing sad poems about how I'm going to die? You know what, I've got one. Let's see, what rhymes with "Shut up, Sam"?

Sam: Drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punchline. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid.

Dean: I'm not!

Sam: You're lying. And you may as well drop it cause I can see right through you.

Dean: You got no idea what you're talking about.

Sam: Yeah, I do. You're scared Dean. You're scared because your year is running out and you're still going to hell, and you're freaked.

Dean: And how do you know that?

Sam: Because I know you!

Dean: Really?

Sam: Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean. Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better that anyone else in the entire world. And this... is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And I mean, I can't blame you. It's just...

Dean: What?

Sam: It's just I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. Cause... just cause.

Gordon: (to Sam, in the dark) You have no idea what I've faced to get here. I lost everything... my life. But it's worth it. Cause I'm finally gonna kill the most dangerous thing I ever hunted. You're not human, Sam.

Gordon: (to Sam) You got a lot of people fooled, but see, I know the truth. I know what it's like. We're the same now, you and me. I know how it is walking around with something evil inside you. It's just too bad you won't do the right thing and kill yourself. I'm gonna... as soon as I'm done with you. Two last good deeds. Killing you and killing myself.

Dean: (to Sam) You just charged a super-vamped-out Gordon with no weapon. That's a little reckless, don't you think?

Sam: What's with the auto shop?

(Dean extends tool to Sam to fix the Impala)

Sam: What? You don't mean, you want...

Dean: Yeah, I do. You fix it.

Sam: Dean, you barely let me drive this thing.

Dean: Well, it's time. You should know how to fix it. You're going to need to know these things for the future. And besides, it's my job, right. Show my little brother the ropes.

Dean: So was I right, was it the serial killing chimney-sweep?

Sam: Yep. It's uh, it's actually Dick Van Dyke.

Dean: Who?

Sam: Mary Poppins.

Dean: Who's that?

Sam: Oh, come on. Never mind.

Dean: So what the hell do you think we're dealing with?

Sam: Actually I have an idea.

Dean: Yeah?

Sam: It's a, it's gonna sound crazy.

Dean: What could you possibly say that's gonna sound crazy to me?

Sam: Um, Evil Santa.

Dean: Yeah, that's crazy.

Sam: He punishes the wicked.

Dean: By hauling their ass up chimneys.

Sam: For starters, yeah.

Dean: So this is your theory, huh? Santa's shady brother?

Dean: What are you talking about? We had some great Christmases.

Sam: Whose childhood are you talking about?

Dean: Oh, come on, Sam.

Sam: No, just... no.

Dean: All right, Grinch.

Young Sam: Is Dad a spy?

Young Dean: He's James Bond.

Santa's Elf: Welcome to Santa's Court. Can I escort your child to Santa?

Dean: Um, no. Uh, but actually, uh, my brother here, it's been a life long dream of his.

(Sam gives confused look)

Santa's Elf: I'm sorry, no kids over 12.

Sam: He's just kidding. We only came here to watch.

(Dean smirks and shakes his head)

Santa's Elf: Ewww.

Dean: [to Sam] Why are you the boy that hates Christmas?

Sam: Look, Dean. If you wanna have Christmas, knock yourself out. Just don't involve me.

Dean: Oh, yeah. That'd be great. Me and myself making cranberry molds.

Dean: What's up with Saint nicotine?

(Sam chuckles)

Dean: What?

Sam: Nothing. It's just that, uh, well you know, Mr. Gung-Ho Christmas, might have to blow away Santa.

Dean: Wreaths, huh? Sure you didn't want to ask her about her shoes? I saw some nice handbags in the foyer.

Sam: (getting off the phone with Bobby) Well, we're not dealing with the anti-Claus.

Dean: What'd Bobby say?

Sam: Uh, that we're morons.

Dean: Christmas is Jesus' birthday.

Sam: No, Jesus' birthday was probably in the fall. It was actually the Winter Solstice Festival that was co-opted by the church and renamed Christmas. But I mean the Yule log, the tree, even Santa's red suit, that's all remnants of Pagan worship.

Dean: How do you know that? What're you gonna tell me next...the Easter Bunny's Jewish?

Sam: Yeah. It's pretty much like putting a neon sign on your front door, saying "Come kill us!"

Dean: Great.

Sam: Huh, when you sacrifice to Holnacar, guess what he gives you in return?

Dean: Lap dances, hopefully.

(Dean to shop owner)

Dean: We were playing Jenga over at the Walsh's the other night, and, uh, well he hasn't shut up since about this Christmas wreath. I don't know. (looks over to Sam) You tell him.

Sam: Sure. (Sam pauses to look at shop owner) It was yummy.

Sam: She didn't charge you?

Shopkeeper: Nope.

Dean: Do you sell them for free?

Shopkeeper: Hell no. It's Christmas. People pay a buttload for this crap.

Dean: That's the spirit.

Sam: I don't get it. You haven't talked about Christmas in years.

Dean: Well, yeah. This is my last year.

Sam: I know. That's why I can't.

Dean: What do you mean?

Sam: I mean, I can't just sit around, drinking eggnog, pretending everything's okay, when I know next Christmas, you'll be dead. I just can't.

Young Dean: First thing you have to know is we have the coolest dad in the world. He's a superhero.

Young Sam: He is?

Young Dean: Yeah. Monsters are real. Dad fights them. He's fighting them right now.

Young Sam: But Dad said the monsters under my bed weren't real.

Young Dean: That's 'cause he'd already checked under there. But, yeah, they're real. Almost everything's real.

Young Sam: Is Santa real?

Young Dean: No.

(Sam and Dean wake tied to chairs)

Sam: Dean, you okay?

Dean: Yeah, I think so.

Sam: So I guess we're dealing with "Mr. and Mrs. God." Nice to know.

Madge Carrigan: This might pinch a bit, dear. [cuts Dean's arm]

Dean: Aah! You bitch!

Madge: Oh, my goodness me! Somebody owes a nickel to the swear jar. Oh, do you know what I say when I feel like swearing? Fudge.

Dean: I'll try and remember that.

Dean: You fudging touch me again, I'll fudging kill you!

Madge: [approvingly, while cutting Dean's arm again] Very good.

[Mr. Carrigan is just about to pull out one of Dean's teeth when the doorbell rings.]

Dean: [muffled, because of the pair of tongs in his mouth] So are you gonna get that?

[Mr. and Mrs. Carrigan look at each other while doorbell rings again.]

Dean: You should get that.

Dean: (holding up Sam's presents) Look at this. Fuel for me and fuel for my baby!

Dean: I hate witches. They're always spewing their body liquids everywhere.

Sam: Pretty much.

Dean: It's creepy. Hell, it's downright unsanitary!

Dean: Freakin' witches!

Dean: Why does a rabbit always get screwed in the deal? Poor little guy.

Dean: I'd like to report a dead body. At 309 Mayfair Circle. My name? Yeah sure my name is...(hangs up)

Dean: They killed the nut job, should we, uh, thank them or what?

Sam: They're working black magic, too, Dean. They need to be stopped.

Dean: Stopped like stopped? They're human, Sam.

Sam: They're murderers.

Dean: Burn, witch, burn.

Ruby: Put a leash on your brother, Sam - if you wanna keep him.

Dean: What the hell were you thinking?

Sam: What? What the hell was I thinking?

Dean: She's a demon, Sam. Period. Alright? They want us dead, we want them dead!

Sam: Look, I know it's dangerous, that she is dangerous, but like it or not, she's useful.

Dean: No! We kill her before she kills us.

Sam: Kill her with what? The gun she fixed for us?

Dean: Whatever works.

Sam: Dean, if she wants us dead, all she has to do is stop saving our lives.

Sam: It's not so simple. We're not- we're not just hunting anymore. We're at war.

Dean: Are you feeling okay?

Sam: Why are you always asking me that?

Dean: 'Cos you're taking advice from a demon for starters. And by the way, you seem less and less worried about offing people, you know, it used to eat you up inside.

Sam: Yeah, and what has that gotten me?

Dean: Nothing, but it's just what you're supposed to do, we're supposed to drive in the friggin car, and friggin argue about this stuff. You know, you go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap.

Sam: Wait, so you're mad because I'm starting to agree with you?

Dean: No, not mad, I'm-I'm...I'm worried, Sam. Because you're not acting yourself.

Sam: Look, Dean, you're leaving, right? And I got to stay here in this crap hole of a world... alone. So, the way I see it, if I'm gonna make it, if I'm gonna fight this war after you're gone, then I gotta change.

Dean: Change into what?

Sam: Into you. I gotta be more like you.

(Dean dying)

Dean: You want to kill me. Get in line, bitch!

(after saving Dean's life)

Ruby: Stop... calling me bitch.

Dean: You saved my life.

Ruby: Don't mention it.

Dean: What was that stuff? God, it was ass. It tasted like ass.

Ruby: It's called witchcraft, short bus. (she leaves)

Dean: (mutters) You're the short bus, short bus...

Tammi: Nice dick work, Magnum

Tammi: What did you think it was? Make believe? Positive thinking? The Secret?

Dean: So let me get this straight. You were human once. You died, you went to hell, and you became a...

Ruby: Yeah.

Ruby: That's what happens when you go to Hell, Dean. That's what Hell is. Forgetting what you are.

Ruby: The answer is yes, by the way.

Dean: Sorry?

Ruby: Yes, the same thing will happen to you. It might take centuries, but sooner or later, Hell will burn away your humanity. Every hell bound soul, every one, turns into something else. Turns you into us, so, yeah... yeah, you can count on it.

Dean: There's no way of saving me from the pit, is there?

Ruby: No.

Dean: Why'd you tell Sam that you could?

Ruby: So he would talk to me. You Winchesters can be pretty bigoted.

Ruby: You need to help me get him ready for life without you. To fight this war on his own.

Dean: Ruby? Why do you want us to win?

Ruby: Isn't it obvious? I'm not like them. I don't know why. I... I wish I was, but I'm not. I remember what it's like.

Dean: What what's like?

Ruby: Being human.

Dean: There you are. What are you doing?

Sam: Having a drink.

Dean: It's two in the afternoon. Drinking whiskey?

Sam: I drink whiskey all the time.

Dean: No, you don't.

Sam: But really, the thing is, no one can save you.

Dean: What I've been telling you.

Sam: No, that's not what I mean. I mean no one can save you because you don't want to be saved.

Sam: What was Bobby doing in Pittsburgh?

Dean: I don't know, unless he was taking an extremely lame vacation.

(as Dean impersonates a police detective)

Jeremy: I had the most vivid, super intense dream, like a bad acid trip, you know...

Dean: Totally. (pause) I mean, no.

Dean: I take it we believe the legends.

Sam: When don't we?

Sam: You wanna go dream walking inside Bobby's head?

Dean: Yeah, why not? Maybe we could help.

Sam: We have no idea what's crawling around in there.

Dean: How bad could it be?

Sam: Bad!

Dean: Dude... it's Bobby!

Sam: One problem though, we're fresh out of African Dream Root, so unless you know anyone who can score some...

Dean: Crap...

Sam: What?

Dean: Bela.

Sam: Bela? Crap. You're actually suggesting we ask her for a favor?

Dean: I'm feeling dirty just thinking about it, but yeah.

Dean: (to sleeping Sam) Sam, wake up! (after Sam woke up from his dream of having sex with Bela) Dude, you were out... and making some serious happy noises. Who were you dreaming about?

Sam: What? No one. Nothing.

Dean: Come on, you can tell me. Angelina Jolie?

Sam: No!

Dean: Brad Pitt?

Sam: No. No!

Dean: Well, shall we dim the lights and sync up Wizard of Oz to Dark Side of the Moon?

Sam: Why?

Dean: What did you do during college?

Bobby: Before I knew it was him, he offered me a beer. I drank it. Dumbest friggin' thing.

Dean: Aw, I don't know. It wasn't that dumb.

Sam: Dean, you didn't.

Dean: I was thirsty.

Sam: That's great! Now he can come after either one of you.

Nightmare Dean: What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car—that's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket—Dad's. Your music—Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? No. No, all there is "watch out for Sammy... Look after your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your dad's voice in your head, can't you? Clear as bell.

Dean: Just shut up!

Nightmare Dean: I mean, think about it. All he ever did was train you, boss you around. But Sam—Sam he doted on. Sam he loved.

Dean: I mean it, I'm getting angry.

Nightmare Dean: Dad knew who you really were. A good soldier and nothing else. Daddy's blunt little instrument. Your own father didn't care whether you're lived or died! Why should you?

Dean: Son of a bitch! My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam, that was his crap! He's the one who couldn't protect his family! He... He's the one who let mom die; who wasn't there for Sam, I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me and I don't deserve to go to hell!

Nightmare Dean: (with black, demon eyes) You can't escape me, Dean! You're gonna die, and this, this is what you're going to become!

Dean: Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: I've been doing some thinking. And well, the thing is, I don't wanna die. I don't wanna go to Hell.

Sam: Alright, yeah. We'll find a way to save you.

Dean: Okay, good.

(Heat of The Moment is playing on the alarm as Sam sits up.)

Dean: Rise and shine, Sammy!

Sam: Dude, Asia?

Dean: Aw, come on, you love this song and you know it.

Sam: Yeah, and if I ever hear it again, I'm gonna kill myself.

Dean: I'm telling you Sam, this job is small fry. We should be spending our time hunting down Bella.

Sam: Okay sure. Let's get right on that. Where is she again?

Dean: Shut up.

Sam: Man, I had a weird dream.

Dean: Yeah? Clowns or midgets?

Sam: Yesterday was Tuesday, right? But today is Tuesday, too!

Dean: Yeah. No, good. You're totally balanced.

Sam: He'll take the special, side of bacon, coffee black. Nothing for me thanks.

Waitress: You got it.

Dean: Sammy, I get all tingly when you take control like that.

[After Sam tells Dean he got hit by a car the day before]

Dean: Did it look cool, like in the movies?

Sam: You peed yourself.

Dean: Of course, I peed myself. Man gets hits by a car, you think he has full control over his bladder? Come on!

Dean: You mean we can't even go out for breakfast?

Sam: You'll thank me when it's Wednesday.

Dean: Whatever that means.

Dean: Do these tacos taste funny to you?

(Sam wakes up to Asia)': Heat of the moment!

Sam and Dean (in unison): Right, you're a mind reader. Cut it out, Sam. Sam! You think you're being funny but you're being really, really childish. Sam Winchester wears make-up. Sam Winchester cries his way through sex. Sam Winchester keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning when he wakes up-OK, enough!

Sam: My point is I've lived through every possible Tuesday. I've watched you die every possible way. I have ripped apart the Mystery Spot, burnt it down, tried everything I know to save your life and I can't. No matter what I do, you die. And then I wake up. And then it's Tuesday again.

Dean: So you think you're caught in some kinda... what again?

Sam: Eat your breakfast.

Sam: So this is fun for you? Killing Dean over and over again?

Trickster: One, yes it is fun. And two, this is so not about killing Dean.

Sam: (looking at alarm playing Back in Time) It's Wednesday!

Dean: Yeah, which usually comes after Tuesday. Turn that thing off, would ya?

Sam: What, are you kidding? This isn't the most beautiful song you've ever heard?

Dean: No! Geez, how many Tuesdays did you have?

Trickster: Whoever said Dean was the dysfunctional one has never seen you with a sharp object in your hands.

Trickster: Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of yours.

Trickster: Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

Trickster (to Sam): I swear it's like talking to a brick wall. (pause) OK, look, this all stopped being fun months ago. You're Travis Bickle in a skirt pal. I'm over it.

Henriksen: You know what I'm trying to decide?

Dean: I don't know, what? Whether Cialis will help you with your little condition?

Henriksen: I got a lot to celebrate, after all. Seeing you two in chains...

Dean: You kinky son of a bitch, we don't swing that way!

Dean: It's like we got a contract on us. You think it's 'cause we're so awesome? I think it's 'cause we're so awesome.

Dean: (Country accent) Well, howdy there sheriff.

Agent Henriksen: I shot the sheriff..

Dean: But you didn't shoot the deputy. (smirks)

Sam: You were possessed.

Henriksen: Possessed like... possessed?

Sam: That's what it feels like. Now you know.

Dean: I owe you the biggest "I told you so" ever.

Henriksen: What do you need?

Dean: Salt. Lots and lots of salt.

Deputy: Salt?

Dean: What is there an echo in here?

Henriksen: So, turns out demons are real.

Dean: F.Y.I. Ghosts are real too. So are werewolves. Vampires. Changelings. Evil clowns that eat people.

Henriksen: Okay then.

Dean: If it makes you feel better, Big Foot's a hoax.

Ruby: (scratches head) Does anyone have a breath mint? Some guts splattered into my mouth while I was killing my way in here!

Ruby: We'll need The Colt. (Sam and Dean look at each other awkwardly, Ruby looks at them both, suspicious.) Where's The Colt?!

Sam: It got stolen.

Ruby: I'm sorry, I must have blood in my ear! I thought I just heard you say you were stupid enough to let The Colt get grabbed out of your thick, clumsy, idiotic hands! (Sam and Dean look guilty) Fantastic! This is just peachy!

Sam: Ruby-

Ruby: Shut up! Fine. Since I don't see that there's any other option, there's one other way I know how to get you out of here alive.

Dean: What's that?

Ruby: I know a spell. It'll vaporize every demon, in a one mile radius. Myself included! So you let The Colt out of your sight, and now I have to die! So next time, be more careful. How's that for a dying wish?

Dean: Okay, what do we need to do?

Ruby: Aw, you can't do anything. This spell is very specific. It calls for a person of virtue.

Dean: I got virtue.

Ruby: Ha, ha. Nice try! You're not a virgin.

Dean: Ha ha. Nobody's a virgin! [Everyone looks at Nancy] No... No way! You're kidding me, right? You're...

Nancy: What? It's a choice, okay!

Dean: Wait. So you-you've never... Not even once...I mean not even...Wow...

Nancy: It's my decision.

Ruby: Damn straight, Cherry Pie.

Dean: Stop! Stop! Nobody kill any virgins!

Dean: (to Sam) I'm not going to let that demon kill some nice, sweet, innocent girl, who hasn't even been laid. I mean if that's how you win wars, then I don't want to win.

Dean: I got a plan. I'm not saying it's a good one, I'm not even saying it will work. But it sure as hell beats killing a virgin.

Sam: Ok, so what's the plan.

Dean: Open the doors, we let 'em all in, and we fight.

Nancy: When this is all over, I'm gonna have so much sex... (glances at the officer next to her) but not with you.

Ruby: Don't thank me. Lilith killed everyone. She slaughtered your precious little virgin, plus half a dozen other people. So after your big speech about humanity in war, it turns out that your plan was the one with the body-count. Do you know how to fight a battle? You strike fast and you don't leave any survivors. So no one can go running to tell the boss. So next time, we go with my plan!

Ed: We know you've had it hard during the crippling writer's strike

Harry: Lazy fat cats!

Ed: Who needs writers when you've got guys like us?

Ed: Good morning Ghost Facers.

Spruce: It's 7 p.m. dude.

Ed: That's morning to a Ghost Facer.

Harry: Rats are like the rats of the world.

Ed: Listen here, Chiseled Chest!

Harry: (to Sam and Dean) Who made you guys reoccuring guest stars?

Dean: Crap. Crap. Taxidermy, kay. You said Daggett was a hospital janitor?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Eew. We got three toe tags here. One, death by gunshots, train accident, and suicide.

Sam: Eew.

Harry: What?

Sam: Well that explains why all the death echoes are here.

(Ed and Harry look confused)

Sam: They're here because their bodies are here…Somewhere in the house.

(Ed and Harry still look confused)

Dean: Daggett brought the remains home from the morgue to play with.

Ed and Harry together: (After a pause) Eew!

Spruce: Oh, that's nasty dude.

Dean: There's some salt in my duffel bag. Make a circle and get inside.

Ed: Inside your duffel bag?

Dean: In the salt, you idiot!

Spruce: What's this guy Daggett guys problem, anyway?

Sam: Loneliness.

Dean: What, has he never heard of a Real Doll?

Harry: Ed, you gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern.

Ed: Here we were thinking that, you know, we were teaching you. And all this time you were teaching us about heart and about dedication and about how gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day.

Dean: You know I kind of think it was half awesome.

Maggie: Half awesome, th-that's full on good! Right?

Sam: Yeah, I mean it-it's bizarre how y'all are able to uh...to honor Corbett's memory while grossly exploiting the manner of his death. Well done.

Dean: Yeah. That's a real tight rope you guys are walking.

Sam: Yeah Alright guys.

Ed: No that's reality man. Yeah, Corbett gave his life searching for the truth, and it's our job over here to share it with the world.

Sam: Right, uh, our experience, you know what you get when you show the world the truth?

Dean: A straight-jacket. Or a punch in the face. Sometimes both.

Sam: Right

Harry: Oh come on guys don't be Facer-haters because we happen to have gotten the footage of the century.

Ed: Oh yeah.

Dean: ...They got us there.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Well, we'll see you guys around.

Spruce: Peaceout.

(Sam and Dean leave, Ed closes the door.)

Harry: Dicks.

Dean: I just talked to an 84-year-old grandmother who's having phone sex with her husband. Who died in Korea.

Sam: Ugh.

Dean: Completely rocked my understanding of the word necrophilia.

Sam: (about a demon) And it's following you because...?

Dean: I guess I'm big game, you know? My ass is too sweet to let out of sight.

Sam: Dean, it's not Dad.

Dean: Then what is it?

Sam: A Crocotta.

Dean: Is that a sandwich?

Dean's voicemail: This is Herman Munster. Leave a message.

Dean: The only person who can get me out of this thing is me.

Sam: And me.

Dean: "And me"?

Sam: What?

Dean: Deep revelation, having a real moment here. That's what you come back with? "And me"?

Sam: Do you want a poem?

Dean: Moment's gone. Unbelievable.

Dean: I mean obviously I wanna hunt some zombies.

Coroner: So you're cops and morons.

Dean: Excuse me? No, no. We're very smart!

Doctor: Didn't you read my report?

Dean: Of course we did. Oh, it was-it was riveting, a real page-turner. Just delightful.

Doctor: You done?

Dean: I think so.

Doctor: Please, go away.

Dean: Okay.

Sam: I talked to Mr. Beetle's doctor. Turns out his incisions were sewn up with silk.

Dean: That's weird?

Sam: Yeah, nowadays it is, but silk used to be the suture of choice back in the early 19th-century. It was really problematic. Patients would get massive infections, the death rate was insane.

Dean: Good times.

Sam: Right. So, doctors, they had to do whatever they could to keep the infections from spreading. One way was maggots.

Dean: Dude, I'm eating.

Sam: It actually kind of worked because maggots, they eat the bad tissue and they leave good tissue. And get this: When they found our guy, his body cavity was stuffed full of maggots.

Dean: Dude, I'm eating!

Dean: (to his burger) No, baby, I can't stay mad at you.

Sam: Even if you had the Colt, Dean, who're you gonna shoot? We have no idea who holds the ticket!

Dean: We'll, shoot the hellhounds then, before they slash me up! Now, you comin' or not?

Sam: I'm stayin' here.

Dean: No, you're not. Cause I'm not gonna let you go wander out into the woods alone to track some some organ-stealing freak!

Dean: Hiya, Bela. Here's a fun fact you may not know: I felt your hand in my pocket when you swiped that motel receipt.

Bela Talbot: You don't understand.

Dean: Oh, I'm pretty sure I understand perfectly. Y'see, I noticed something interesting in your hotel room. Something tucked above the door, an herb. Devil's Shoestring. Well there's only one use for that. Holding Hellhounds at bay. So you know what I did? I went back and took another look at your folks obit, turns out they died ten years ago today. You didn't kill them. A demon did your dirty work. You made a deal, didn't you, Bela. And it's come due.

Lilith: [flashback, young Bela swinging, crying] I can take care of them for you. And it won't even cost you anything for ten whole years. [her eyes glow red]

Dean: Is that why you stole the Colt, huh? Try to wiggle out of your deal? Our gun for your soul?

Bela Talbot: Yes.

Dean: But stealing the Colt wasn't quite enough, I'm guessing.

Bela Talbot: They changed the deal. They wanted me to kill Sam.

Dean: [sarcastic] Really. Wow. Demons, untrustworthy. Huh. Shocker. That's, uh, kind of a tight deadline too, uh, what time is it? Oh, look at that! Almost midnight.

Bela Talbot: [crying] Dean, listen, I need help.

Dean: Sweetheart, we are weeks past help.

Bela Talbot: I know I don't deserve it.

Dean: You know what, you're right. You don't. But you know what the bitch of the bunch is? If you would have just come to us sooner and asked for help, we probably could have taken the Colt and saved you.

Bela Talbot: [still crying] I know, and saved yourself. I know about your deal, Dean.

Dean: And who told you that?

Bela Talbot: The demon that holds it. She holds mine too. She says she holds every deal.

Dean: She?

Bela Talbot: Her name is Lilith.

Dean: ...Lilith? Why should I believe you?

Bela Talbot: You shouldn't, but it's the truth.

Dean: This can't help you, Bela. Not now. Why are you tellin' me this?

Bela Talbot: Because just maybe you can kill the bitch.

Dean: [long pause] I'll see you in Hell.

[he hangs up on her. Bela hangs up as the clock switches to 12:00 midnight. Hellhounds howl in the background. Bela stands to look out window, and there is a crash as the Hellhounds presumably attack and scene fades to black]

Dean: Why don't we just make a T.J. run. You know, some señoritas, cervezas, uh, we could, what's Spanish for "donkey show"?

Sam: So if we do save you...let's never do that.

Dean: We're going off of Bela's intel? Now, when that bitch breathes, the air comes out crooked.

Ruby: Oh, so you're just too stupid to live, is that it? Then fine. You deserve hell. I wish I could be there, Dean. I wish I could smell the flesh sizzle off your bones! I wish I could be there to hear you scream!

Dean: And I wish you'd shut your pie-hole, but we don't always get what we want.

Dean: Sammy, all I'm saying is that you're my weak spot. You are. And I'm yours.

Sam: You don't mean that. We're-we're family.

Dean: I know. And those evil sons of bitches know it, too.

Bobby: Where do you think you're going?

Dean: We got the knife.

Bobby: And you intend to use it without me. Do I look like a ditchable prom-date to you?

Sam: No Bobby. Of course not.

Dean: This is about me... and Sam. Ok? This isn't your fight.

Bobby: The hell it isn't! Family don't end with blood, boy!

Dean: If this is my last day on earth, I do not want it to be socially awkward.

Bobby: You're piercing the veil, Dean. Glimpsing the B side.

Dean: Little less new agey please.

Bobby: You're almost Hell's bitch. So, you can see Hell's other bitches.

Ruby: What you don't know about me could fill a book.

Dean: Whoa.

Ruby: What?

Dean: Nothing, I, I just, I, uh, I couldn't see it before, but you are one ugly broad.

Sam: I'm not gonna let you go to hell, Dean!

Dean: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! I'm sorry! I mean this is all my fault. I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me. It's only gonna kill you.

Sam: Then what am I supposed to do?

Dean: Keep fighting.

Lilith: (to Dean) I don't have to answer to Puppy Chow. (opens door and lets the hellhound in) Sick him, boy.


	24. Chapter 24 24 HEROES NATURAL

I do believe in this evolution of consciousness as the only thing which we can embark on, or in fact, willy-nilly, are embarked on; and along with that will go the spiritual discoveries and, I feel, the inexhaustible wonder that one feels, that opens more and more the more you know. It's simply that this increasing knowledge constantly enlarges your kingdom and the capacity for admiring and loving the universe.

~ Conrad Aiken ~

Michelle Dessler: I'll go anywhere with you…as long as I don't have to cook.

Tony: Sweetheart, if you promise not to cook, I will take you with me anywhere.

Jack: What the hell do you know? My wife died because of this job. I almost lost Kim too. I'm not going to let that happen again. I will do everything I have to, to protect her. Do you understand me? Everything! Damn it Chase, you can not have a normal life and do this job at the same time.

Chase: Are you saying I shouldn't have a relationship with anyone?

Jack: That's exactly what I'm saying... and especially with my daughter.

Jack: Shut up, stupid! You just fired at a federal agent. You better start talking to me, or I will let you bleed to death right here on this landing.

Anne: David, no reason to be suspicious. God knows, you've been betrayed by the people you trust the most. I'm not Sherry.

Luis: Unless Hector has a key to this place, you aren't going anywhere.

Ramon: But he does have a key. And when he turns it, the last 2 years of your life, all the hours you spent away from your family, all the work you've done to put me here will go away (he snaps) just like that. I wanted you to hear it from me. I wanted it to be the last thing you ever heard.

(The guard comes and kills Luis)

Gael: Don't get in my way, Michelle!

Michelle: External security is already in position, you're not going anywhere. You take one step outside, you know exactly what will happen.

Ramon: Hello Jack. The party's going well, I wanted you to know. There's something else I wanted you to know. For some reason Hector wants you alive. Maybe he wants to kill you himself. Or maybe he wants to watch me do it. I'm just not sure I can wait that long.

Chappelle: I'm not so sure this is gonna work out well for you, Almeida.

Tony: Maybe not, but right now I gotta help Jack get this virus and I don't need you looking over my shoulder, alright?

Chappelle: You work for me. You don't give orders; you take them.

Tony: Yeah, except the president put me in charge of this particular operation. Now, if you object, give him a call. I may be wrong, but I didn't get the impression that he's in the mood for any bureaucratic squabbling today.

Jack: A few years ago my wife was killed because of my job; my daughter's never been the same since. This last year, well you know what I went through to bring you in, what did I get for it? A pat on the back, in the

end-a demotion, and a heroin habit. I'm tired of putting my ass on the line for nothing. I'm done putting my ass on the line for nothing.

Nina: You really did break Salazar out of prison.

Jack: I'm not the man you knew before.

Nina: Well, I don't know about that.

[Nina begins to caress Jack.]

Nina: But for 20 million dollars, I'm gonna keep an open mind. So, Jack…if we're gonna go forward with this, I have to know one thing. Are you gonna be able to forgive me for killing Teri?

Jack: If I wanted revenge, Nina, I would have killed you already. You know that. It's like I said, I just want to finish this deal and disappear for good.

Nina: Convince me.

Nina: I'm sorry, Jack. I wanted to believe that you'd changed, but I can feel it. You're lying.

Tony: [While interrogating Nina, he tells her about Alvers' medical history] Being treated for a knee injury, treated for HIV.

[In the other room, they could tell Nina's pulse raise slightly upon hearing Alvers' HIV treatment]

Michelle: [Talking to Tony over comm] It is likely Nina had sex with Alvers.

Tony: Now see Nina, my collegues in the other room has just informed me that there is something in Alvers' file that, concerns you. I'm guessing it's not the knee.

Amador: You betrayed me, Jack. You were with CTU all along.

Jack: That's right, Amador. You betrayed me, too. I'm just better at it than you.

Stephen: You are no longer in control of your country. And if you do not use the full power to execute my wishes, the virus will be released and it will be impossible to stop.

David: (to Sherry) I despise you for what you've done. And I despise my role in helping you get away with it. Get out of my sight.

Stephen: Mr. President?

David: Yes.

Stephen: It's time for your first assignment. A very simple one, but one necessary to our future relationship.

David: We don't have a relationship.

Stephan: No, you don't negotiate with terrorists. Well, I don't negotiate with heads of state, so just do what you're told

Jack: Sorry we let you down, Ryan. (pauses) God forgive me.

Jack: The only thing you need to know is that I need these files decrypted now.

Chloe: Well, I'm doing my very best. Your tone of voice is not exactly a morale booster.

Jack: (exasperated) Chloe, please just do it!

Jack You and I have been doing this long enough to know that there is no such thing

as a meaningless lie. How are you involved in this?

Tony: You're not making any

sense, Jack. That intel was good. Without it you'd have never been in the white house to save the President.

Jack: What is your involvement?

Tony: You're not thinking straight.

Jack: How were you shot? Does Galvez even have a second man or was it just you?

Tony: Just stop and listen to what you're saying. It's insane. It's paranoia. Now, why don't you put the gun down?

Jack: Don't you move!

Tony: The toxin is starting to affect your judgement. That's what's happening. You can see that, right? Is this what you're looking for? I never wanted to hurt you, Jack. I told you to stay out of it. But you wouldn't listen, would you?

Tony: Chloe, I'm getting real tired of your personality.

Tony: My God Jack, didn't you learn anything from what happened to Teri?

Jack:(pushing him away) SHUT UP, TONY! Shut up!

Tony: Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm gonna sacrifice mine!

Stephen: Let her go! Do as I say now, Jack!

Jack: When your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die.

Tony: [to Michelle] Baby, you're alive. And nobody else got hurt because of what I did. Now that's more than I hoped for. I can live with that. Even in prison.

James Heller: Spare me your sixth-grade Michael Moore logic!

Jack: What is happening at eight o'clock?! I am not messing with you.

[He flips the table.]

Jack: You are going to tell me what is happening at eight o'clock!

[He shoots Sherek's leg.]

Jack: What is your primary objective?! What is your primary objective?!

Sherek: Secretary of Defense!

Jack: Secretary Heller? Secretary Heller's the target! Call Secret Service now!

Tony: My God Jack, didn't you learn anything from what happened to Teri?

Jack:(pushing him away) SHUT UP, TONY! Shut up!

Tony: Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm gonna sacrifice mine!

Stephen: Let her go! Do as I say now, Jack!

Jack: When your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die.

Tony: [to Michelle] Baby, you're alive. And nobody else got hurt because of what I did. Now that's more than I hoped for. I can live with that. Even in prison.

Carmen Reyes: Where are you taking me? You know very well I don't like suprises.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Oh, you're going to like this one, Ma. I mean, after everything you've been through...like Grandpa...

Carmen Reyes: [Crosses self, says prayer in Spanish]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Then at the funeral, Father Aguilar getting struck by lightning. Man, that was a freak storm. And Diego moving back home after Lisa left him for that...waitress.

Carmen Reyes: Don't mention that whore to me!

Martha Toomey: Sam and Leonard were stationed at a listening post monitoring long wave transmissions out of the Pacific. Boring job. Sam hated it, nothing to do but listen to static night after night. Until one night, about 16 years ago, there's something in the static, a voice comes through, a voice repeating those numbers over and over again. [Hurley nearly spills his tea.] A couple of days later we're at the fair in Kalgoorlie and some wally there has got this jar, must have been big as a pony, and it's filled to the rim with beans. Fella's offering 50 grand to anyone able to guess how many beans are in that jar, within 10.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Sam used the numbers?

Martha Toomey: Yep, the answer was exact. To the bean. Men had been running the same scam for 40 years and nobody had ever come close. So we won the money. On the way home a pick-up truck blows a tire on the highway, hits us head on. Lost my leg that night.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What about Sam?

Martha Toomey: Barely a scratch. Most people would consider themselves lucky, but not him. He was never the same after that. He started keeping a record. Anything terrible that happened to anyone around us, he believed it was all because he used those numbers. He moved us out here in the middle of nowhere hoping it would stop.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Did it? Did he ever find a way to make it stop?

Martha Toomey: Yep. He put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. What is it you're looking for Mr. Reyes?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I used them, the numbers, to win the lottery. And now I think I'm under the same curse.

Martha Toomey: Curse? There's no curse.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: But you just told me...

Martha Toomey: You think I'd still have my leg if Sam hadn't have picked the right number of beans?! You think that floods wouldn't have happened?! That homes wouldn't have burned down?! That people wouldn't have died?!

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Well, yeah.

Martha Toomey: You make your own luck, Mr. Reyes. Don't blame it on the damn numbers. You're looking for an excuse that doesn't exist.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What do these numbers mean? Please.

Danielle Rousseau: I don't know.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What? You don't know? Okay, that thing in the woods, maybe it's a monster, maybe it's a pissed off giraffe, I don't know! The fact that no one is even looking for us, yeah, that's weird, but I just go along with it because I'm along for the ride, good old fun time Hurley! Well guess what? Now, I want some friggin' answers!

Claire Littleton: I'm pregnant, single, and on an Island in the middle of nowhere.

Charlie Pace: You think you're the only person with baggage? You know what I was doing when the plane went down? I was snorting heroin in the toilet. I was such a junkie I couldn't even take a plane ride with out having a fix. I suppose that was your fault, as well? - So how about it?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What?

Charlie Pace: I just told you the biggest secret of my life. I thought you'd want to reciprocate.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Okay. Back home I'm worth 156 million dollars.

Charlie Pace: Fine. Don't tell me.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dude.

Charlie Pace: I bare my soul, and all I get is bloody jokes!

Jack Shephard: [on helping Sawyer] ...all I'm gonna get is a snappy one-liner, and, if I'm lucky, a brand-new nickname.

John Locke: [about Emily Locke] She said that I didn't have a father - that I was immaculately conceived.

Anthony Cooper: [laughing] Really? Well, I guess that makes me god, huh?

Jack Shephard: [diagnosing Sawyer] Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?

James "Sawyer" Ford: What's that got to do with my headaches?

Jack Shephard: Maybe a lot.

James "Sawyer" Ford: ...yes.

Jack Shephard: Have you ever contracted an STD? [Sawyer is silent] I'll take that as a yes. When was your last outbreak?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Go to hell, Doc.

Kate Austen: I know he deserved it, but...

Jack Shephard: He needs glasses.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: [on Sawyer's new glasses] Dude, looks like someone steamrolled Harry Potter.

John Locke: [banging on the hatch] I've done everything you wanted me to do, so why did you do this to me?!

James "Sawyer" Ford: The man's got what I call an overzealous work ethic.

Michael Dawson: Try obsession. He wants off this Island bad, man.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Can't say I blame poor Kato. His lady speaks English all this time and he didn't have a clue? I'm surprised he didn't try to swim out of here.

Shannnon Rutherford: Are you lost?

Sayid Jarrah: No, absolutely not. Those trees look really familiar. It's this way...I think.

Shannnon Rutherford: Did you just say 'I think'?

Boone Carlyle: [to Jack] I know you made a promise. I'm letting you off the hook. Let me go, Jack.

Boone Carlyle: Tell Shannon... Tell Shannon... Tell... [dies]

Jack Shephard: He didn't die, he was murdered.

Kate Austen: Where are you going?

Jack Shephard: To find John Locke.

Sayid Jarrah: I didn't know Boone very well, and for that I am sorry. On our sixth day here a woman named Joanna died. She drowned. And Boone was the first one into the water. I didn't know him, but I remember his courage. And I know he will be missed.

John Locke: It was my fault. We found a plane, a Beechcraft, in the jungle. It was lodged in the canopy so - I would have gone up, but I - my leg was hurt so he - there was a radio inside and he thought he could - look, his weight must have made the plane shift and it fell - and - it happened because he was trying to help us. He was a hero.

Jack Shephard: [approaching Locke] Where were you? Where were you? Where the hell were you, you son of a bitch?!

Shannnon Rutherford: You asked if you could do anything for me.

Sayid Jarrah: Anything.

Shannnon Rutherford: John Locke killed my brother. Will you do something about that?

Kate Austen: I crushed up some sleeping pills and put them in your juice.

Jack Shephard: You drugged me?

Kate Austen: Yeah.

Jack Shephard: Oh. Okay.

Sayid Jarrah: [noticing the scar where Locke's kidney was removed] What's that?

John Locke: War wound.

Sayid Jarrah: Looks more like a surgical scar.

John Locke: Like I said, war wound.

Sayid Jarrah: Take me to the hatch.

John Locke: What? I already showed you...

Sayid Jarrah: John! No more lies.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Why are we listening to Arzt?

Leslie Arzt: Because I'm a doctor, and you're a hillbilly.

James "Sawyer" Ford: You're a damn high school science teacher.

Jack Shephard: [about the hatch] Best case scenario there's supplies - worst case, we use it as a shelter.

Sayid Jarrah: Actually, Jack, I can think of much worse cases than that. You notice anything about this hatch? There's no handle. Could the reason for that be more obvious?! Maybe it was never meant to be opened from the outside.

Charlie Pace: Okay, check this out. This is track 2. It's called...Sorry. It's called "Monster Eats the Pilot".

Jack Shephard: Who's coming?

Danielle Rousseau: The Others. You have only 3 choices: run, hide...or die.

John Locke: You booby-trapped your shelter with explosives. You have any more?

Danielle Rousseau: Dynamite, at the Black Rock, in the dark territory.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Well, that's 3 reasons to go right there.

James "Sawyer" Ford: By the time you get back we'll be in the water. Guess this is pretty much goodbye, then.

Jack Shephard: Yeah, I guess it is. Good luck, Sawyer.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [beat] Jack! About a week before we all got on the plane I got to talking to this man in a bar in Sydney. He was American, too. A doctor. I've been on some benders in my time, but this guy he was going for an all time record. It turns out this guy has a son his son's a doctor, too. They had some kind of big time falling out. The guy knew it was his fault even though his son was back in the States thinking the same damn thing.

[Jack starts to recognize who Sawyer's talking about]

James "Sawyer" Ford: See, kids are like dogs: you knock 'em around enough, they'll think they did something to deserve it. Anyway, there's a pay phone in this bar. And this guy, Christian... tells me he wishes he had the stones to pick up the phone, call his kid, tell him he's sorry, that he's a better doctor than he'll ever be he's proud and he loves him. I had to take off, but something tells me he never got around to making that call. Small world, huh?

Jack Shephard: [unable to hold back tears] Yeah...

James "Sawyer" Ford: Good luck, Jack.

Australian Official: [taking Kate's toy plane out of the Marshal's case] What's this, then?

Edward Mars: That's a good story, you want to tell it, huh, Kate? [Mars takes the plane] This belonged to her childhood sweetheart, who she got killed a couple of years ago when she was on the run. Poor guy - a wife, a 2 year old kid. What was his name? Hmm? Well, somewhere along the way during the 3 years that I was chasing her, she starts calling me, at my house, and whining on about her mitigating circumstances. But what she's really doing...is taunting me. So, I tell her that I've got whats-his-name's little toy airplane in a safe deposit box in New Mexico. So, she somehow figures out which bank, which safe deposit box. She seduces some idiot to rob the damn bank, and then she puts a bullet in her new friend because she's done using him. But she leaves all the money. She just takes the plane...because that's the one thing in the whole world that Kate does care about. She has no attachments, and I think she's telling herself she needs it to atone for killing her boyfriend, whats-his-name. God, Kate, c'mon, what was his name?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: So, Arnzt.

Leslie Arzt: No. Not Arnzt. Arzt. A-R-Z-T.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Sorry, man. Your name's hard to pronounce.

Leslie Arzt: Well, I know a bunch of ninth graders who pronounce it just fine.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: How 'bout I just call you by your first name?

Leslie Arzt: How 'bout you don't?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Why not? I remember it from the plane's manifest. I think Leslie's a bitchin' name.

Leslie Arzt: Arnzt is fine.

[at the Black Rock]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: How exactly does something like this happen?

Danielle Rousseau: Are you on the same island as I am?

Leslie Arzt: You know what? I'm - I'm sorry, I'm so... I'm sorry that I'm not cool enough to be part of your merry little band of adventurers.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What?

Leslie Arzt: I know a clique when I see it. I teach high school, pal-y. You know, you people think you're the only ones on this Island doing anything of value. I've got news for you. There were 40 other survivors of this plane crash. And we are all people, too.

Leslie Arzt: Do any of you have any idea what happens to dynamite in 90+ degree heat, huh? [Arzt pries open the crate with a pocket knife] So you know? Any of you? It sweats nitroglycerin. [Jack starts moving toward him] Whoa, hey, what you doing? Did I ask you to come closer? [He removes a stick of dynamite from the crate] Dynamite is nitroglycerin stabilized by clay. Nitroglycerin is the most dangerous and unstable explosive known to man. Hey, Kate give me your shirt. Now, princess, give me your shirt. I need to wrap the dynamite. Just throw it to me, right here. Be careful, c'mon, hurry up. [She gives him her shirt] Okay, good, now back up, back up, back up. Just back up. Get out of my way. Any of you ever hear about the guy who invented nitroglycerin? Probably not - because he blew his freaking face off. [Arzt wets Kate's shirt and wraps it around the dynamite] His lab assistant came into the room, saw that his mentor detonated, and he said, "Huh, I guess this stuff does work." Alright, we're not going to take any more of this stuff than we need because nitroglycerin is extremely temperamental, so we-

[Arzt waves the dynamite carelessly, causing it to detonate and blow himself up]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: [to Jack] You got some... Arnzt on you.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [reading private messages] Who the hell is Hugo and how's he got a 160 million dollars to leave to his mom?

Jack Shephard: What the hell was all that about back there, John?

John Locke: What was what about?

Jack Shephard: You asked me to let you go.

John Locke: That's right.

Jack Shephard: That thing was taking you down the hole and you asked me to let you go.

John Locke: It wasn't going to hurt me.

Jack Shephard: No, John, it was going to kill you.

John Locke: I seriously doubt that.

Jack Shephard: Look, I need for you - I need for you to explain to me what the hell's going on inside your head, John. I need to know why you believe that that thing wasn't going to...

John Locke: I believe that I was being tested.

Jack Shephard: Tested?

John Locke: Yeah, tested. I think that's why you and I don't see eye-to-eye sometimes, Jack - because you're a man of science.

Jack Shephard: Yeah, and what does that make you?

John Locke: Me, well, I'm a man of faith. Do you really think all this is an accident - that we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence - especially, this place? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason, all of us. Each one of us was brought here for a reason.

Jack Shephard: Brought here? And who brought us here, John?

John Locke: The island. The island brought us here. This is no ordinary place, you've seen that, I know you have. But the island chose you, too, Jack. It's destiny.

Jack Shephard: Did you talk with Boone about destiny, John?

John Locke: Boone was a sacrifice that the island demanded. What happened to him at that plane was a part of a chain of events that led us here - that led us down a path - that led you and me to this day, to right now.

Jack Shephard: And where does that path end, John?

John Locke: The path ends at the hatch. The hatch, Jack - all of it - all of it happened so that we could open the hatch.

Jack Shephard: No, no, we're opening the hatch so that we can survive.

John Locke: Survival is all relative, Jack.

Jack Shephard: I don't believe in destiny.

John Locke: Yes, you do. You just don't know it yet.

Michael Dawson: Since the day you told me you wanted on this raft, I couldn't figure it out. Why does a guy who only cares about himself want to risk his life to save everyone else? The way I see it, there's only two choices - you're either a hero or you want to die.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Well, I ain't no hero, Mike.

Jack Shephard: Everybody wants me to be a leader until I make a decision that they don't like. You want to keep second guessing me, Kate? That's your call. There's something that you need to know - if we survive this, if we survive tonight - we're going to have a Locke problem. And I have to know that you've got my back.

Kate Austen: I've got your back.

Tom Friendly: What's going on?! What are you folks doing this far out here?!

Michael Dawson: We were, we were - the plane crashed! We were on the Island for a month, man!

Tom Friendly: Plane crash, huh? Well, how about that?

Michael Dawson: We were on an Island - oh, flight 815 - hey, where are we?!

Tom Friendly: Well, it's a good thing we found you.

Michael Dawson: Yeah, yeah, we survived and there's a whole group of people on the...

Tom Friendly: Well, ain't that something?

Michael Dawson: Yeah!

Tom Friendly: Only, the thing is, we're going to have to take the boy.

[the mood changes suddenly]

Michael Dawson: What? What'd you say?

Tom Friendly: The boy, we're going to have to take him.

Michael Dawson: Hey, what the hell's going on here? Who are you people?

Tom Friendly: Just give us the boy.

Michael Dawson: I'm not giving you anybody.

Tom Friendly: Well, alright then.

[Tom shuts the boat light off, and the Others attack]

Dean: Surprise.

Bobby: I, I don't...

Dean: Yeah, me neither. But here I am. [Suddenly, Bobby attacks Dean.] Bobby! Bobby! It's me!

Bobby: My ass!

Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! Your name is Robert Steven Singer. You became a hunter after your wife got possessed... you're about the closest thing I have to a father. Bobby. It's me. I am not a shapeshifter!

Bobby: Then you're a Revenant!

Dean: All right. If I was either, could I do this... with a silver knife? [cuts his arm]

Bobby: Dean?

Dean: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Bobby: It's... It's good to see you, boy.

Dean: Yeah, you too.

Bobby: But... how did you bust out?

Dean: I don't know. I just, uh, I just woke up in a pine box...

[Suddenly, Bobby splashes water in Dean's face. Dean pauses, spits.]

Dean: I'm not a demon either, you know.

Bobby: Sorry. Can't be too careful.

Bobby: But... that don't make a lick of sense.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah, you're preachin' to the choir.

Bobby: Dean. Your chest was ribbons, your insides were slop. And you've been buried four months. Even if you could slip out of hell and back into your meat suit,

Dean: I know, I should look like a Thriller video reject.

Bobby: What do you remember?

Dean: Not much. I remember I was a Hellhound's chew toy, and then... lights out. Then I come to six feet under, that was it.

Girl: So where is it?

Dean: Where's what?

Girl: The pizza... that takes two guys to deliver?

Dean: I think we got the wrong room.

Sam: (walking into view) Hey is-? (cuts off when he see Dean and Bobby)

Dean: Heya, Sammy.

Sam: Dean?

(Dean walks in and Sam attacks him. Bobby pulls Sam away from Dean and restrains him)

Sam: (struggling against Bobby) Who are you?!

Dean: Like you didn't do this?

Sam: (Still fighting Bobby's hold on him) Do what?

Bobby: (still holding Sam back) It's him, It's him, Sam. I've been through this already. Its really him. (releases Sam)

Dean: I know. I look fantastic, huh? (Sam and Dean hug)

Girl: So are you two like... together?

Sam: What? No. No. He's my brother.

Girl: Oh... got it. I... I guess.

Dean: So tell me, what'd it cost?

Sam: The girl? I don't pay, Dean.

Sam: I tried everything. That's the truth. I tried opening the Devil's Gate. Hell, I tried to bargain, Dean, but no demon would deal, all right? You were rotting in Hell for months. For months, and I couldn't stop it. So I'm sorry it wasn't me, alright? Dean, I'm sorry.

Dean: It's okay, Sammy. You don't have to apologize, I believe you.

Bobby: Don't get me wrong, I'm gladdened that Sam's soul remains intact, but it does raise a sticky question.

Dean: If he didn't pull me out, then what did?

Bobby: How you feelin', anyway?

Dean: I'm a little hungry.

Dean: (points to an iPod in his car) What the hell is that?

Sam: That's an iPod jack.

Dean: You were supposed to take care of her, not douche her up.

Dean: Who's Jesse? [referring to the text "Jesse Forever", which is tattooed on Pamela's lower back]

Pamela: Well, it wasn't forever.

Dean: His loss.

Pamela: Might be your gain.

Dean: Dude, I'm so in.

Sam: Yeah, she's gonna eat you alive.

Dean: Hey, I just got out of jail. Bring it.

Pamela: (to Sam) You're invited too, grumpy.

Dean: (to Sam) You are NOT invited.

Pamela: Right. Take each other's hands. And I need to touch something our mystery monster touched.

Dean: Whoa. Well, he didn't touch me there.

Pamela: My mistake.

Female Demon: Dean, to hell and back. Aren't you a lucky duck?

Dean: That's me.

Female Demon: So you get to just stroll out of the Pit, huh? Tell me, what makes you so special?

Dean: I like to think it's because of my perky nipples.

Dean: That's a hell of an art project you've got going there.

Bobby: Traps and talismans from every faith on the globe. How you doin?

Dean: Stakes, iron, silver, salt, knife. I mean, we're pretty much set to catch and kill anything I've ever heard of.

Bobby: This is still a bad idea.

Dean: Yeah, Bobby, I heard you the first ten times. What do you say we ring the dinner bell?

Ruby: So. Million dollar question: you going to tell Dean about what we're doing?

Sam: Yeah, I just gotta figure out the right way to say it. Look, I just need time, okay? That's all.

Ruby: Sam, he's going to find out, and if it's not from you he's going to be pissed.

Sam: He's going to be pissed anyway. I mean, he's so hardheaded about this psychic stuff he'll just try and stop me.

Ruby: Look. Maybe I'll just take a step back for a while.

Sam: Ruby, you...

Ruby: I mean, I'm not exactly in your brother's fanclub. But he is your brother, and I'm not going to come between you.

Sam: I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Hell, I don't even know if I trust you.

Ruby: Thanks.

Sam: But what I do know is that I'm saving people. And stopping demons. And that feels good. I want to keep going.

Dean: You sure you did the ritual right? [Bobby gives him a look] Sorry. Touchy, touchy, huh?

Dean: Who are you?

Castiel: I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.

Castiel: We need to talk, Dean. Alone.

Castiel: Your friend's alive.

Dean: Who are you?

Castiel: Castiel.

Dean: Yeah, I figured that much, I mean what are you?

Castiel: I'm an Angel of the Lord.

Dean: Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing.

Castiel: This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith. (wings appear)

Dean: Some angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes.

Castiel: I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be... overwhelming to humans, and so can my real voice. But you already knew that.

Dean: You mean the gas station and the motel. That was you talking? (Castiel nods.) Buddy, next time, lower the volume.

Castiel: That was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong.

Dean: And what visage are you in now, huh? What, holy tax accountant?

Castiel: This? This is... a vessel.

Dean: You're possessing some poor bastard?

Castiel: He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this.

Dean: Look pal, I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?

Castiel: (frowning) I told you.

Dean: Right. And why would an angel rescue me from Hell?

Castiel: Good things do happen, Dean.

Dean: Not in my experience.

Castiel: What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?

Dean: Why'd you do it?

Castiel: Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you.

Ruby: (walking through the door) Getting pretty slick there Sam! Better all the time!

Sam: What's happening here, Ruby?

Ruby: I wish I knew!

Sam: We were thinking some high level demon pulled Dean out!

Ruby: No way! Sam! Human souls don't just walk out of hell and back into their body's easily! The sy bleeds, the earth quakes...it's cosmic! No demon can swing that! Not Lilith...not anyone!

Sam: What can?

Ruby: I'm not sure!

Dean: Look, all I know is I was not groped by an angel.

Dean: Don't you think that if angels were real, that some hunter somewhere would have seen one... at some point...ever?

Sam: Yeah. You just did, Dean.

Dean: I'm trying to come up with a theory here. Okay? Work with me.

Sam: Dean, we have a theory.

Dean: Yeah, one with a little less fairy dust on it, please.

Bobby: You two chuckle heads want to keep arguing religion, or do you want to come take a look at this?

Bobby: Airlift your ass out of the hot box? As far as I can tell, nothing.

Dean: I mean, I've saved some people, okay? I figured that made up for the-for the stealing and the-and the ditching chicks. But why do I deserve to get saved? I'm just a regular guy.

Sam: Apparently, you're a regular guy that's important to the man upstairs.

Dean: Well, that creeps me out. I mean, I don't like getting singled out at birthday parties... much less by... God.

Sam: Okay, well, too bad, Dean. Because I think he wants you to strap on your party hat.

Dean: You're gonna get me some pie.

Sam: [On phone] Yes, Dean, I'll get the chips. Dude. When have I ever forgotten the pie? Exactly.

Ruby: Is it true?

Sam: Is what true?

Ruby: (rolls her eyes) Did an angel rescue Dean?

Sam: We're not sure but we think so!

Ruby: Okay! Good bye Sam!

Sam: What?

Ruby: (not believing his confusion) Sam they're angels. (states the obvious) I'm a demon! (sarcastically) They're not gonna care if I'm being helpful! (serious) They smite first and ask questions later!

Sam: What do you know about them?

Ruby: Not much! Except the scare the holy hell outta me!

Sam: I'm not scared of angels!

Ruby: (sarcastically) Watch yourself, Sam!

Dean: Dude?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Where's the pie?

Dean: Olivia was rocking the EMF meter.

Sam: Spirit activity.

Dean: Yeah... On steroids. I've never seen a ghost do this to a person.

Bobby: I called some hunters nearby...

Dean: Good. We could use their help.

Bobby: ...except they ain't answering their phones either.

Sam: Somethings up, huh?

Bobby: You think?

Dean: Come out, come out, whoever you are.

Meg: Dean Winchester, still so bossy. You don't recognize me? This is what I looked like before that demon cut off my hair and dressed me like a slut.

Dean: Meg.

Meg: Hi! It's okay, I'm not a demon.

Dean: You're the girl the demon possessed.

Meg: Meg Masters. Nice to finally talk to you when I'm not ... you know ... choking on my own blood. It's okay. Seriously, I'm just a college girl... sorry, was. I was walking home one night and got jump by all this smoke. Next thing you know I'm prisoner... in here. You know I was a wake? I had to watch while she murdered people.

Dean: Sorry.

Meg: Oh, yeah, so sorry you had me thrown off a building.

Dean: Well, we thought...

Meg: No, you didn't think. I kept waiting, praying, I was trapped in there, screaming at you" "just help me, please". You're supposed to help people, Dean, but why didn't you help me?

Dean: I'm sorry.

Meg: Stop saying you're sorry.

Meg: But it wasn't just me, Dean! I had a sister. A little sister. How she worshipped me! you know how little siblings are right? How they'll do anything for you! She was never the same after I dissapeared! She...she just got lost! And when my body was lying there in the morgue...beat up? Broken? Do you know what that did to her? She killed herself! Because of you, Dean! Because all you were thinking about was your family! Your revenge and your demons! 50 words of latin a little sooner and I'd still be alive...my baby sister would still be alive!

Sam: Okay, where are we going?

Bobby: Some place safe, you idjit.

Sam: You built a panic room!?

Bobby: I had a weekend off.

Dean: Bobby.

Bobby: What?

Dean: You're awesome!

Dean: See, this is why I can't get behind God.

Sam: What are you talking about?

Dean: If he doesn't exist, fine. Bad crap happens to good people. That's how it is. There's no rhyme or reason. Just random, horrible, evil. I get it, okay. I can roll with that. But if he is out there, what's wrong with him? Where the hell is he while all these decent people are getting torn to shreds? How does he live with himself? You know, why doesn't he help?

Bobby: I ain't touching this one with at 10-Foot pole.

Sam: Okay, so, what do we do now?

Dean: Road trip. Grand canyon, Star Trek experience. Bunny ranch.

Bobby: It's a spell to send the witnesses back to rest. Should work...

Sam: Should. Great.

Bobby: ...if I translate it correctly. I think I got everything we need here at the house.

Dean: Any chance you got everything we need here in this room?

Bobby: So, you thought our luck was gonna start now all of a sudden? Spell's gotta be cast over an open fire.

Sam: The fireplace in the library.

Bobby: Bingo.

Dean: That's just not as appealing as a ghost-proof panic room, you know?

Meg: You saw how I suffered for months. I thought you must have learned something. I thought I died for something.

Sam: Meg.

Meg: But what you're doing with that demon, Ruby? How many innocent bodies has Ruby burned through for kicks? How many girls just like me? And you don't send her back to Hell? You're a monster!

Dean: Ronald. Hey, come on, man. I thought we were pals.

Ronald: That's when I was breathing. Now I'm gonna eat you alive.

Dean: Well... come on, I'm not a cheeseburger.

Castiel: Excellent job with the witnesses.

Dean: You were hip to all this?

Castiel: I was, uh, made aware.

Dean: Well, thanks a lot for the angelic assistance. You know, I almost got my heart ripped out of my chest.

Castiel: But you didn't.

Dean: I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos - You know, Michael Landon. Not dicks.

Castiel: Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I'm a soldier.

Dean: Yeah? Then, why didn't you fight?

Castiel: I'm not here to perch on your shoulder. We had larger concerns.

Dean: Concerns? There were people getting torn to shreds down here! And, by the way, while all this is going on, where the hell is your boss, huh, if there is a God?

Castiel: There's a God.

Dean: I'm not convinced. 'Cause if there's a God, what the hell is he waiting for, huh? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The freaking Apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?

Castiel: The Lord works...

Dean: If you say "mysterious ways," so help me, I will kick your ass. So, Bobby was right... about the witnesses... this is some kind of a... sign of the Apocalypse.

Castiel: That's why we're here. Big things afoot.

Dean: Do I want to know what kind of things?

Castiel: I sincerely doubt it, but you need to know. The rising of the witnesses is one of the 66 seals.

Dean: Okay. I'm guessing that's not a show at Seaworld.

Castiel: Those seals are being broken. By Lilith.

Dean: She did the spell. She rose the witnesses.

Castiel: Mm-hmm. And not just here. Twenty other hunters are dead.

Dean: Of course. She picked victims that the hunters couldn't save so that they would barrel right after us.

Castiel: Lilith has a certain sense of humor.

Dean: Well, we put those spirits back to rest.

Castiel: It doesn't matter. The seal was broken.

Dean: Why break the seal anyway?

Castiel: You think of the seals as locks on a door.

Dean: ... Okay. Last one opens and...

Castiel: Lucifer walks free.

Dean: Lucifer? But I thought Lucifer was just a story they told at demon Sunday school. There's no such thing.

Castiel: Three days ago, you thought there was no such thing as me. Why do you think we're here walking among you now for the first time in 2,000 years?

Dean: To stop Lucifer.

Castiel: That's why we've arrived.

Dean: Well... bang-up job so far. Stellar work with the witnesses. That's nice.

Castiel: We tried. And there are other battles, other seals. Some we'll win, some we'll lose. This one we lost. Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of heaven should just follow you around? There's a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in.

Castiel: Hello Dean. What were you dreaming about?

Dean: What, do you get your freak on by watching other people sleep? What do you want?

Dean: Can you, uh, tell me where I can get reception on this thing? (referring to his cell phone)

Young John: The U.S.S. Enterprise?

Dean: Thanks...nice threads. You know Sonny and Cher broke up right?

Young John: Sonny and Cher broke up?

Dean: What is this?

Castiel: What does it look like?

Dean: Is it real?

Castiel: Very.

Dean: Okay, so what? Angels got their hands on some Deloreans? How did I get here?

Castiel: Time is fluid Dean, it's not easy, but we can bend it on occasion.

Dean: Well bend it back or tell me what the hell I'm doing here!

Castiel: I told you, you have to stop it.

Dean: Stop what? Huh? What, is there something nasty after my Dad?Dean turns as a car horn sounds. When he turns back Castiel is gone. Oh, come on! What, are you allergic to straight answers, you son of a bitch?!

Dean: Sammy, wherever you are, Mom is a babe. I'm going to Hell. Again.

(realizing he and Sam were named after their grandparents)

Dean: Samuel and Deanna?

Dean: What about the rest of the town? Well, did you find anything on the web? ...of information that you have assembled.

Deanna: Electrical storms maybe, the weather service graphs should be here on Friday.

Dean: By mail?

Samuel: No, we hired a jet liner to fly 'em to us overnight.

Samuel: Father, I see you beat me here.

Dean: The Lord is funny that way. Beth Whitshire, this is my associate, our senior- senior priest, Father Chaney.

Dean: I know you guys think I'm crazy.

Samuel: You seem like a really nice kid, Dean, but yeah you're crazy.

Young Mary: You know the worst thing I can think of, the very worst thing? It's for my children raised into this like I was. No, I won't let it happen.

Dean: Yeah.

Young Mary: Hey, you okay?

Dean: Yeah. No, I'm fine. Hey, Mary? Can I tell you something?

Young Mary: Sure.

Dean: Even if this sounds really weird, will you promise me that you will remember?

Young Mary: Okay.

Dean: On November 2nd, 1983, don't get out of bed. No matter what you hear, or what you see. Promise me you won't get out of bed.

Dean: So what? God's my copilot is that it? Castiel just looks at him, and Dean glances over again. Well, you're a regular chatty Kathy. Tell me something, Sam would have wanted in on this, why not bring him back?

Castiel: You had to do this alone, Dean.

Dean: And you don't care that he's tearing up the future looking for me right now?

Castiel: Sam's not looking for you.

Dean: Alright, if I do this, then the family curse breaks right? Mom and Dad live happily ever after, and- and, Sam and I grow up playing little league and chasing tail?

Castiel: You realize, if you do alter the future, your father, you, Sam, you'll never become hunters. And all those people you saved, they'll die.

Dean: I realize.

Castiel: And you don't care?

Dean: Oh, I care. I care a lot, but these are my parents, I'm not gonna let them die again. I can't, no, not if I can stop it.

Samuel Campbell: She wants to hunt, she doesn't want to hunt. Is this some female "time of the month" thing?

Azazel: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, no one's breeding with me. Though, Mary? Man, I'd like to make an exception, so far, she's my favorite.

Azazel: (to Dean) You know what I'm gonna do to your sibling? I'm gonna stand over their crib and I'm gonna bleed into their mouth, demon blood is better than Ovaltine, vitamins, minerals it makes you big and strong!

Dean: For what? So they can lead your discount demon army? Is that your big plan?

Azazel: Please. My endgame's a hell of a lot bigger than that, kid.

Dean: I couldn't stop any of it. She still made the deal. She still died in the nursery didn't she?

Castiel: Don't be too hard on yourself, you couldn't have stopped it.

Dean: What?

Castiel: Destiny can't be changed Dean. All roads lead to the same destination.

Castiel: Your brother is headed down a dangerous road, Dean. And we're not sure where it leads. So stop it... or we will.

Castiel: We know what Azazel did to your brother. What we don't know is why, and he went to great lengths to cover that up.

Sam: Where's Lilith?

Demon: Kiss my ass.

Sam: I'd watch myself if I were you.

Demon: Why? Huh? Because you're Sam Winchester, Mr. Big Hero? And yet here you are, slutting around with some demon. Real hero.

Sam: Shut your mouth.

Demon: Tell me about those months without your brother. About all the things you and this demon bitch do in the dark.

Dean: So... Anything you wanna tell me, Sam?

Sam: Dean, hold on, okay? Just let me...

Dean: You gonna say, "let me explain"? You gonna explain this? How about this? Why don't you start with who she is, and what the hell is she doing here?

Sam: Ruby! Stop it!

Dean: Well, aren't you an obedient little bitch?

Sam: Dean, what are you doing? What, are you, are you leaving?

Dean: You don't need me. You and Ruby go fight demons.

Sam: Hold on. Dean, come on, man. (Dean punches Sam in the face) You satisfied? (Dean hits him again) I guess not.

Dean: Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?

Sam: I'm just exorcising demons.

Dean: With your mind! What else can you do?

Sam: I can send them back to hell. It only works with demons, and that's it.

Dean: What else can you do?!

Sam: I told you!

Dean: And I have every reason in the world to believe that.

Sam: Look, I should have said something. I'm sorry, Dean. I am. But try to see the other side here.

Dean: The other side?

Sam: I'm pulling demons out of innocent people.

Dean: Use the knife!

Sam: The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year.

Dean: That what Ruby want you to think? Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers? Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends.

Sam: I'm not gonna let it go too far.

Dean: It's already gone too far, Sam. If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you. And so would other hunters.

Sam: You were gone. I was here. I had to keep on fighting without you. And what I'm doing... It works.

Dean: Well, tell me. If it's so terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me? Why did an angel tell me to stop you?

Sam: What?

Dean: Cas' said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

Sam: I should have told you. I'm sorry.

Dean: You've been saying that a lot lately, Sam. But whatever. You don't want to tell me, you don't have to. It's fine.

Dean: Are you sure that's him?

Sam: Only Jack Montgomery in town.

Dean: And we're looking for...

Sam: Travis said to keep an eye out for anything weird.

Dean: Weird?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Alright, well, yeah, I've seen big weird, little weird, weird with crazy on top. But this guy? I mean, come on, this guy's boring.

Sam: I don't know, Dean. Travis seemed pretty sure. (Jack Montgomery starts to eat raw meat) I'd say that qualifies as weird.

Travis: You still a.. oh, what was it... a mathlete?

Sam: No.

Dean: Yep, sure is.

Dean: Well, he had a hell of a case of the munchies, topped off with a burger that he forgot to cook.

Travis: Boys, we got a rougarou on our hands.

Dean: A rougarou? Is that made up? That sounds made up.

Dean: Hungry for what?

Travis: At first for everything, but then, the long pig.

Dean: (doesn't get it) Long pig?

Sam: He means human flesh.

Dean: And that is my word of the day!

Dean: Sam loves research. He does. He keeps it under his mattress right next to his KY.

Sam: You want to know why I've been lying to you, Dean? Because of crap like this.

Dean: Like what?

Sam: The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I'm a freak!

Dean: I do not.

Sam: You know, or even worse, like I'm an idiot! Like I don't know the difference between right and wrong! What?

Dean: Do you know the difference, Sam? I mean, you've been kind of strolling a dark road lately.

Sam: You have no idea what I'm going through. None.

Dean: Well then enlighten me!

Sam: I've got demon blood in me, Dean. This disease pumping through my veins and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean. I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this - this curse... and make something good out of it. Because I have to.

Sam: (to Jack Montgomery) Listen to me, you've got this dark pit inside you. I know. Believe me, I know. But that doesn't mean you have to fall into it. You don't have to be a monster...It doesn't matter what you are. It only matters what you do. It's your choice.

Dean: You did the right thing, you know. That guy was a monster, there was no going back. Sam, I wanna tell you I'm sorry. I've been kind of hard on you lately.

Sam: Don't worry about it, Dean.

Dean: It's just that your, uh, your psychic thing, it scares the crap out of me.

Sam: Look, if it's all the same... I'd really rather not talk about it.

Dean: Wait. What? You don't want to talk? You?

Sam: There's nothing more to say. I can't keep explaining myself to you. I can't make you understand.

Dean: Why don't you try?

Sam: I can't. Because this thing, this blood, it's not in you the way it's in me. It's just something I gotta deal with.

Dean: Not alone.

Sam: Anyway, it doesn't matter. These powers... it's playing with fire. I'm done with them. I'm done with everything.

Dean: Really? Well, that's a relief. Thank you.

Sam: Don't thank me. I'm not doing it for you. Or for the angels or for anybody. This is my choice.

Dean: Where are you going?

Ruby: The ER! Unless you want to go another round first!

Dean: It's like the good old days! An honest-to-goodness monster hunt! It's about time the Winchesters got back to tackling a straightforward, black-and-white case.

Dean: We still got to see the new "raiders" movie.

Sam: Saw it.

Dean: Without me?

Sam: You were in hell.

Dean: That's no excuse!

Jamie: Guten Tag.

Dean: Guten Tag yourself.

Dean: I'm a maverick, ma'am. A rebel with a badge. One thing I don't play by- the rules.

Sam: Can you describe her assailant?

Ed Brewer: Oh, he was a vampire.

Dean: Okay, right. And by that you mean...

Ed: A vampire.

Dean: So...he looked like-

Ed: He looked like a vampire. You know with the fangs and the slicked back hair and the fancy cape and the little medallion thing on the ribbon.

Dean: I've been re-hymenated!

Sam: Re...hy...Please. Dean maybe angels can pull you outta hell, but no one could do that.

Dean: Brother, I have been re-hymenated. And the dude will not abide.

Dean: I don't think we're staying on the case.

Jamie: What, is it too weird for you?

Dean: Not weird enough.

Sam: [tries to tear off Ed's ear] It's supposed to come off.

Ed: No, it's not!

Pizza Delivery Guy: Uh, pizza delivery?

Dracula: Ah, you have brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Uh-huh. That'll be $15.50.

Dracula: Tell me…

Pizza Delivery Guy: Yeah?

Dracula: Is there… garlic on this pizza?

Pizza Delivery Guy: I don't know. Did you order garlic?

Dracula: No!

Pizza Delivery Guy: Then no. Look, mister, I got four other deliveries to make. You want to just pay me the money so I can go?

Dracula: Of course. Yes. But I have a coupon.

Dean: Although, if I was turning life into a movie, I wouldn't do this Abbot and Costello meet the Monsters crap.

Sam: Yeah. No, I know what you'd pick.

Dean: Heh, no, you don't.

Sam: Yeah, I do.

Dean: No, you don't. You don't.

Sam: Porky's 2.

Dean: What?

Sam: You heard me.

Dean: Lucky guess.

(Dean's running down the street in sheer panic)

Dean: Run! It'll kill you!

(camera pans down to a Yorkie wearing a pink ribbon)

Sam hands Dean a handgun

Dean: Oh, I'm not carrying that. (Sam gives him a look) It could go off. (grabs a flashlight) I'll man the flashlight.

Sam: You do that.

Sam: 1...2...3! (Opens locker to reveal a meowing kitten)

Dean: (Lets out a long, girly scream) That was scary!

Dean: What are we doing?

Sam: We're hunting a ghost.

Dean: A ghost, exactly. Who does that?

Sam: Us.

Dean: Us, right. And that Sam that is exactly why our lives suck. I mean, C'mon, we hunt monsters! What the hell? I mean, normal people, they see a monster and they run. But not us, no no no, we...we search out things that want to kill us! Yeah, huh? Or eat us! You know who does that? Crazy people! We ... are insane! You know, then there's the crappy diner food and the-and the skivvy motel rooms and then truck stop waitress with the bizarre rash. I mean, who wants this life, Sam? Huh? Seriously! I mean do you actually like being stuck in a car with me eight hours a day every single day? I don't think so! I mean, I drive too fast and I listen to the same five albums over and over and over again and I- and I-I sing along, I'm annoying, I know that. And you…you're gassy! You eat half a burrito and you get toxic! I mean, You know what, you can forget it.

Sam: Dean, where're you going?

Dean: Stay away from me Sam, okay? Because I am done with it. I'm done with the monsters and the-and the-and the hell hounds and the Ghost Sickness and the damn apocalypse. I'm out, I'm done, I quit.

Sam: Yeah. How you feeling, by the way?

Dean: Fine.

Bobby: You sure, Dean? 'Cause this line of work can get awful scary.

Dean: I'm fine. What? You want to go hunt? I'll hunt...I'll kill anything.

Sam: Awwww.

Bobby: He's adorable.

Sam: Really? After that guy choked down all those razor blades?

Dean: It's Halloween, man.

Sam: Yeah. For us, every day is Halloween.

Dean: Don't be a downer. Anything interesting?

Sam: What about you? Find anything on the victim?

Dean: This Luke Wallace - he was so vanilla that he made vanilla seem spicy. I can't find any reason why somebody would want this guy dead.

Sam: Once he's raised, Samhain can do some raising of his own.

Dean: Raising what, exactly?

Sam: Dark, evil crap and lots of it. I mean, They follow him around like a friggin' Pied Piper.

Dean: So we're talking ghosts.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Zombies.

Sam: Mm-hmm.

Dean: Leprechauns?

Sam: Dean...

Dean: Those little dudes are scary. Small hands.

Dean: Yeah, well, if you were a six-hundred-year-old hag and you could pick any costume to come back in, wouldn't you go for a hot cheerleader? I would. Mmm.

Sam: Who are you?!

Dean: Sam! Sam, wait! It's Castiel. The angel. Him, I don't know.

Castiel: Hello Sam.

Sam: Oh my God- er- uh- I didn't mean to- sorry. It's an honor, really, I- I've heard a lot about you.

Castiel: And I, you. Sam Winchester...The boy with the demon blood. Glad to hear you've ceased your extracurricular activities.

Uriel: Let's keep it that way.

Dean: Yeah, okay, chuckles. Who's your friend?

Castiel: This raising of Samhain, have you stopped it?

Dean: Why?

Castiel: Dean, have you located the witch?

Dean: Yes, we've located the witch.

Castiel: And is the witch dead?

Sam: No, but...

Dean: We know who it is.

Castiel: Apparently the witch knows who you are too. This was inside the wall of your room. If we hadn't found it, surely one or both of you would be dead. Do you know where the witch is now?

Dean: We're working on it.

Castiel: That's unfortunate.

Dean: What do you care?

Castiel: The raising of Samhain is one of the 66 seals.

Dean: So this is about your buddy Lucifer.

Uriel: Lucifer is no friend of ours.

Dean: It's just an expression.

Castiel: Lucifer cannot rise, the breaking of the seal must be prevented at all costs.

Dean: Okay, great, well now that you're here, why don't you tell us where the witch is, we'll gank her and everybody goes home.

Castiel: We are not omniscient, this witch is very powerful, she's cloaked even our methods.

Sam: Okay, we already know who she is, so if we work together-

Uriel: Enough of this.

Dean: Okay, who are you and why should I care?

Castiel: This is Uriel, he's what you might call... a specialist.

Dean: What kind of specialist? What are you gonna do?

Castiel: You...uh both of you, you need to leave this town immediately.

Dean: Why?

Castiel: Because we're about to destroy it.

Dean: So this is your plan, you're gonna smite the whole friggin' town?

Castiel: We're out of time, this witch has to die, the seal must be saved.

Sam: There are a thousand people here.

Uriel: One thousand two hundred fourteen.

Sam: And you're willing to kill them all?

Uriel: This isn't the first time I've…purified a city.

Castiel: Look, I understand this is regrettable.

Dean: Regrettable?

Castiel: We have to hold the line; too many seals have broken already.

Dean: So you screw the pooch on some seals and now this town has to pay the price?

Castiel: It's the lives of one thousand against the lives of six billion, there's a bigger picture here.

Dean: Right, cause you're bigger picture kind of guys.

Castiel: Lucifer cannot rise, he does and hell rises with him. Is that something that you're willing to risk?

Sam: We'll stop this witch before she summons anyone. Your seal won't be broken and no one has to die.

Uriel: We're wasting time with these mud monkeys.

Castiel: I'm sorry, but we have our orders.

Sam: No, you can't do this, you're... you're angels, I mean aren't you supposed to- You're supposed to show mercy.

Uriel: Says who?

Castiel: We have no choice.

Dean: Of course you have a choice, I mean, come on, what? You've never-you've never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both just a couple of hammers?

Castiel: Look, even if you can't understand it, have faith, the plan is just.

Sam: How can you even say that?

Castiel: Because it comes from heaven, that makes it just.

Dean: Oh, it must be nice, to be so sure of yourselves.

Castiel: Tell me something Dean, when your father gave you an order, didn't you obey?

Dean: Well sorry boys, looks like the plans have changed.

Uriel: You think you can stop us?

Dean: No, but if you're gonna smite this whole town, then you're gonna have to smite us with it, because we are not leaving. See, you went to the trouble of busting me out of hell, I figure I'm worth something to the man upstairs. You wanna waste me? Go ahead, see how he digs that.

Uriel: I will drag you out of here myself.

Dean: Yeah, but you'll have to kill me, then we're back to the same problem. I mean, come on, you're gonna wipe out a whole town for one little witch. Sounds to me like you're compensating for something. We can do this, we will find that witch and we will stop the summoning.

Uriel: Castiel! I will not let these peop-

Castiel: Enough! I suggest you move quickly.

Dean: Astronaut!

Sam: I thought they'd be different.

Dean: What, the angels?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Well, I tried to tell you.

Sam: I just...I mean, I thought they'd be righteous.

Dean: Well, they are righteous. That's kinda the problem. Course, there's nothing more dangerous than some a-hole who thinks he's on a holy mission.

Sam: But, this is God and Heaven? This is what I've been praying to?

Dean: Don't give up on this stuff, is all I'm saying. I mean, Babe Ruth was a dick, but baseball's still a beautiful game.

Dean: Well, are you gonna figure out a way to find this witch, or are you just gonna sit there fingering your bone?

Castiel: The decision's been made.

Uriel: By a mud monkey.

Castiel: You shouldn't call them that.

Uriel: Ah, it's what they are, savages, just plumbing on two legs.

Castiel: You're close to blasphemy. There's a reason we were sent to save him, he has potential, he may succeed here. And any rate, it's out of our hands.

Uriel: It doesn't have to be.

Castiel: And what would you suggest?

Uriel: That we drag Dean Winchester out of here, then we blow this insignificant pinprick off the map.

Castiel: You know our true orders, are you prepared to disobey?

Tracy: My love.

Samhain: You've aged.

Tracy: This face...I can't fool you.

Samhain: Your beauty is beyond time. [snaps her neck] Whore.

Dean: Zombie-ghost orgy, huh? Well, that's it. I'm torching everybody.

Uriel: The only reason you're still alive, Sam Winchester, is because you've been useful. The moment that ceases to be true, the second you become more trouble than you're worth... One word. One. And I will turn you to dust. As for your brother, tell him that maybe he should climb off of that high horse of his. Ask Dean what he remembers from Hell.

Dean: Let me guess you're here for the, I told you so.

Castiel: No.

Dean: Well, good cause I'm really not that interested.

Castiel: I am not here to judge you Dean.

Dean: Then why are you here?

Castiel: Our orders-

Dean: Yeah, you know, I've had about enough of these orders of yours-

Castiel: Our orders were not to stop the summoning of Samhain, they were to do whatever you told us to do.

Dean: Your orders were to follow my orders?

Castiel: It was a test, to see how you would perform under... battlefield conditions, you might say.

Dean: It was a witch, not the Tet Offensive. So I uh- failed your test, huh? I get it. But you know what? If you would have waved that-that magic time traveling wand of yours and we had to do it all over again, I'd make the same call. Cause see, I don't know what's gonna happen when these seals are broken, hell I don't even know what's gonna happen tomorrow. But what I do know is, that this, here? These kids, the swings, the trees, all of it is still here because of my brother and me.

Castiel: You misunderstand me Dean. I'm not like you think, I was praying that you would choose to save the town.

Dean: You were?

Castiel: These people, they're all my father's creations. They're works of art, and yet, even though you stopped Samhain, the seal was broken and we are one step closer to hell on earth, for all creation. Now that's not an expression Dean, its a literal. You of all people should appreciate what that means. Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?

Dean: Okay.

Castiel: I'm not a…hammer as you say. I have questions, I...I have doubts. I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don't envy the weight that's on your shoulders Dean. I truly don't.

Sam: It just doesn't make any sense, Dean. I mean, why would Uriel tell me you remembered hell if you didn't?

Dean: Maybe because he's a dick. Might have something to do with it.

Sam: Okay. Fine. Then look me in the eye and tell me you don't remember a thing from your time down under.

Dean: I don't remember a thing from my time down under. I don't remember, Sam!

Sam: Look, Dean, I just want to help.

Dean: You know everything I do. Okay? That's all there is.

Sam: Eye witness reports of a ghost that's been haunting the showers of a woman's health facility (Dean chokes on beer then downs the rest). The victim claims that the ghost threw her down a flight of stairs... I can see you're very interested.

Dean: Women? Showers? (Dean throws money on the table to pay the bill) We gotta save these people!

Candace: I'm not surprised the spirit world chose to make contact with me. I'm something of a... Natural sensitive.

Sam: I can sense that about you, Candace, that whole... Sensitive thing.

Candace: So, what did you say you're calling your book?

Sam: Oh, well, um... Well, the working title is... "Supernatural."

Dean: I got to tell you, I'm pretty disappointed.

Sam: [Exhales sharply] You wanted to save naked women.

Dean: Damn right I wanted to save some naked women.

Dean: "Run, Forrest, Run!"

Sam: Excuse us. FBI.

Police Officer: What?

Sam: Yes, sir. We're here about the, uh... That.

Police Officer: About Bigfoot?

Sam: That's right.

Dean: Well, maybe somebody's pumping LSD into the town water supply.

Dean: So,what... Bigfoot breaks into a liquor store, jonesing for some hooch? Amaretto and Irish cream. He's a girl-Drink drunk.

Sam: Hey. Check this out.

Dean: He took the whole porno rack? Well, I'll say it again. What the hell is going on in this town?

Dean: I got nothing.

Sam: It's got to be a joke, right? Some big-ass mother in a gorilla suit?

Dean: Or it's a Bigfoot. You know, and he's some kind of a alcoholo-Porno addict. Kind of like a deep-Woods Duchovny.

Dean: A little young for Busty Asian Beauties.

Dean: What is this, like a Harry and the Hendersons deal?

Audrey: He's my teddy bear. I think he's sick.

Dean: Wow. Uh... Amazing. 'Cause you know what? We... Are, uh... Teddy bear doctors.

Audrey: Really? Can you please take a look at him?

Sam: Sure.

Dean: Sure. Yeah.

Audrey: He's in my bedroom. He's pretty grumpy. Teddy? There's some nice doctors here to see you.

Teddy': Close the friggin' door!

Audrey: See what I mean?

Audrey: All I ever wanted was a teddy which was big, real, and talked. But now he's sad all the time not "ouch" sad, but ouch-In-The-Head sad. Says weird stuff, and smells like the bus!

Teddy Bear: Look at this. (indicates television)

(both look at television, which shows news coverage of an explosion)

Teddy Bear: Can you believe this crap?

Dean: (incredulously, looking at Teddy Bear) Not really.

Teddy Bear: It is a terrible world. (turns to Dean) Why am I here?!

Audrey: For tea parties!

Teddy Bear: Tea parties? (sobs) Is that all there is?!

Sam: Audrey, give us a second, okay? Okay.

(Sam and Dean walk a short way down the hall and pause, clearly struggling)

Sam: (whispering) Are we - should we - uh - (glances toward Audrey, before quickly turning back) are we gonna kill this teddy bear?!

Dean: (also whispering) How, huh? Shoot it? Burn it?

Sam: I dunno, (glances back again) both?

Dean: Well we dunno if that's even gonna work, an' I don't-I don't want some giant, flaming, pissed off teddy on our hands.

Sam: Yeah. Besides, I get the feeling the bear isn't really the, y'know, core problem, here.

Sam: Audrey, where are your parents?

Audrey: My mom wished they were in Bali, so I think they're in Bali

Sam: (to Audrey) I'm really sorry to have to break this to you, but your bear is sick. Yeah, he's, he's got...

Dean: Lollipop disease.

Sam: Lollipop disease.

Dean: It's not uncommon for a bear his size, but see it's, it's really contagious.

Sam: Yeah. So is there-is there someone, maybe a grown up, you can stay with while we treat him?

Sam: What are you gonna wish for?

Dean: Shh! [throws a coin] Not supposed to tell.

Delivery Guy: Somebody order a footlong Italian with jalapeño?

Dean: That'd be me.

Dean: What are we supposed to do, huh? Stop people's wishes from coming true? I mean, Sounds like kind of a douchey thing to do.

Chinese waiter: Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen. I'm sorry. We don't allow people to eat outside food here.

Dean: Well, I am certainly not gonna eat the inside food here. Health department. You, my friend, have a rat infestation. We're gonna have to shut this place down under emergency hazard code 56c.

Dean: Oh, come on. Aren't you a little bit tempted?

Sam: No. Wouldn't be real. I wouldn't trust it.

Dean: I don't know. That bear seemed pretty real.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: Come on, if you could wish yourself back, you know, before it all started... Think about it. You'd be some big yuppie lawyer with a nice car and a white picket fence.

Sam: Not what I'd wish for.

Dean: Seriously?

Sam: It's too late to go back to our old lives, Dean. I'm not that guy anymore.

Dean: All right, well, what, then? Hmm? What would Sammy wish for?

Sam: Lilith's head on a plate. Bloody.

Chinese waiter: Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! You are gonna break my fountain!

Sam: Sir, I don't want to slap you with a 44/16, but I will.

Sam: Dean? You all right?

Dean: The wishes turn bad, Sam. The wishes turn very bad.

[on chalkboard]: Life is meaningless. Signed, T. Bear.

Sam: Dean,wake up!

Dean: What? I'm up. What?

Sam: Sleep well?

Dean: Yeah. Tan, rested, and ready.

Sam: Dean, come on, man. You think I can't see it?

Dean: See what?

Sam: The nightmares, the drinking. I'm with you 24/7. I know something's going on.

Dean: Sam, please.

Sam: Uriel wasn't lying, but you are. You remember hell, don't you?

Dean: What do you want from me, huh? What?

Sam: The truth, Dean. I mean, I'm your brother. I-I just wish you'd talk to me.

Dean: Careful what you wish for.

Sam: Cute.

Dean: Come on, can we stow the couples therapy, huh? We're on a job. I want to work. What do you got? Please?

Wesley: Aren't you the guys from the Health Department?

Sam: Yeah. And florists on the side.

Dean: Plus FBI. And on Thursdays, we're teddy bear doctors.

Wesley: "Be careful what you wish for." You know who says that? Good-looking jerks like you guys, the ones who've got it so easy because you happen to be handsome.

Sam and Dean: Easy?

Wesley: Yeah. Women - Women look at you, right? They notice you.

Sam: Believe us, we do not have it easy.

Dean: We are miserable. We never get what we want. In fact, we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep whatever it is we got.

Sam: But you know what? Maybe that's the whole point, Wes.

Dean: Yeah, people are people 'cause they're miserable bastards, 'cause they never get what they really want.

Sam: Right, yeah, you get what you want, you get crazy.

Dean: Just take a look at Michael Jackson, hmm? Or Hasselhoff.

Todd: Kneel before Todd!

Wes: Well, why can't we just get what we want?!

Sam: Because that's life, Wes.

Dean: Okay, man, no more! No more, okay? I wouldn't mess with this kid any more if I were you.

Dean: You were right. I shouldn't have lied to you. I do remember everything that happened to me in the pit. Everything.

Sam: So, tell me about it.

Dean: No. I won't lie anymore, but I'm not going to talk about it.

Sam: Dean, look, you can't just shoulder this thing alone. You gotta let me help.

Dean: How? Do you really think that a little heart-to-heart, some sharing and caring, is gonna change anything? Hmm? Somehow... heal me? I'm not talking about a bad day here.

Sam: I know that.

Dean: The things that I saw... there aren't words. There is no forgetting. There's no making it better. Because it is right here... Forever. You wouldn't understand. And I could never make you understand. So I am sorry.

Sam: You're not pissed we're going after the girl, you're pissed Ruby threw us the tip.

Dean: Right, 'cause as far as you're concerned that Hell-bitch is practically family. Boy, something major must have happened while I was downstairs, 'cause I come back and you're-and you're BFF with a demon?

Sam: I told you, Dean, she helped me go after Lilith.

Dean: Well thanks for the thumbnail. Real vivid. You want to fill in a little detail?

Sam: Sure Dean, let's trade stories. You first: how was hell?

Sam: I don't want 10 years. I don't want one year. I don't want candy! I want to trade places with Dean.

Crossroads Demon: No.

Sam: Just take me! It's a fair trade!

Crossroads Demon: No!

Sam: Why not? Lilith wants me dead. Just let Dean go, and she can have me.

Crossroads Demon: Don't you understand, Sam? It's not about your soul. Dean's in hell, right where we want him. We've got everything exactly the way we want it. You want to kill me? Go ahead. I've made peace with my lord.

Dean: That's Revelations.

Anna's Doctor: Since when does the Book of Revelations have jack-o-lanterns?

Dean: It's,a uh… a little-known translation.

Anna: (to Dean) It's really you. Oh my God. The angels talk about you. You were in Hell but Castiel pulled you out and some of them think you can help save us. (to Sam) And some of them don't like you at all.

Anna: First words I heard, clear as a bell: "Dean Winchester is saved."

Alastair: Hello again, Dean. Don't you recognize me? Oh, I forgot, I'm wearing a pediatrician. But we were so close...in Hell.

Dean: Alastair?

(Ruby enters a body that has just been disconnected from air in the hospital.)

Ruby: Who do I have to kill to get some french fries around here?

Sam (is cleaning a gun. Someone knocks on the door. He grabs a shotgun and opens the door, revealing Ruby possessing the coma girl. She holds up a piece of paper)

Ruby: Proof. This body is 100% socially conscious. I recycle. Al Gore would be proud.

Sam: You grabbed a coma patient?

Ruby: You didn't want me to take a body with someone in it, and I made sure that the spirit was gone. Apartment was empty. You happy?

Sam: Why are you here?

Ruby: I can't bring Dean back. But I can get you something else that you want.

Sam: And, uh... what's that?

Ruby: Lilith.

Sam: You want me to use my psychic whatever.

Ruby: Look, I know that it spooks you...

Sam: Skip the speech. I'm ready. Let's go.

Ruby: Slow down there, cowboy.

Sa,: Just tell me what I have to do.

Ruby: Look, Lilith is one scary bitch. When I was in the Pit, there was talk. She's cooking up something big - apocalyptic big.

Sam: So let's kill her.

Ruby: You want to go in there and half-ass it like before? We have the time to get it right. Let's get it right.

Sam: Okay. What do you want from me?

Ruby: Well, a little patience... and sobriety. Promise me that... and I will teach you everything I know.

(Dean interrupts Sam's story - right at the part where he's having sex with Ruby)

Dean: Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Too much information.

Sam: Hey, I told you I was coming clean.

Dean: Yeah, well, now I feel dirty. Okay, well, uh, brain-stabbing imagery aside... So far, all you've told me about is a manipulative bitch who, uh, screwed you, played mind games with you, and did everything in the book to get you to go bad.

Sam: Yeah, well, there's more to the story.

Dean: Just... Skip the nudity, please.

Sam: Ruby?

Maid: Okay, yeah, so I'm possessing this maid for a hot minute. Sue me.

Sam: What about...

Maid: Coma girl? Slowly rotting on the floor back at the cabin with Anna, so I've got to hurry back. See you when you get there. Go!

Dean: I guess I...uh... you know?

Ruby: What?

Dean: I guess I owe you. For Sam, I just...you know

Ruby: Don't strain yourself.

Dean: Okay then. Is the moment over? Good, cause that was awkward.

Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know she's wiretapping your angel chats or whatever but that's no reason to gank her.

Uriel: Don't worry. I'll kill her gentle.

Castiel: She's far from innocent.

Uriel: Give us the girl.

Dean: Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate.

Uriel: Who's gonna stop us? You two? Or this demon whore? (grabs Ruby and throws her into a window)

Dean: Iron walls drenched in salt. Demon's can't even touch the joint.

Ruby: Which I find racist by the way.

Sam: Where's Bobby?

Dean: Ahh, Dominican. He said if we break anything we buy it.

Sam: Is He working a job?

Dean: God, I hope so. Otherwise, he's at hedonism in a banana hammock and a trucker cap.

Sam: Now that's seared in my brain.

Sam: She was convinced that he wasn't her real daddy.

Dean: Who was? The plumber, hmmm? A little snake in the pipes?

Sam: Dude, you're confusing reality with porn again. Look, Anna didn't say, she just kept repeating that this real father of hers was mad. Like very mad, like wanted to kill her mad.

Pamela: Sam, is that you?

Sam: I'm right here.

Pamela: Oh. Know how I can tell? That perky little ass of yours. You could bounce a nickel off that thing.

Pamela: You've been eyeing my rack. Don't sweat it kiddo, I've still got more senses than most.

Dean: So, you just forgot you were God's little Power Ranger?

Anna: The older I got, the longer I was human, yeah.

Ruby: I don't think you all appreciate how completely screwed we are.

Dean: That's another question why would you fall? Why would you want to be one of us?

Anna: You don't mean that.

Dean: I don't? A bunch of miserable bastards; I mean, eating, crapping, confused, afraid-

Anna: I don't know, there's loyalty, forgiveness, love-

Dean: Pain-

Anna: Chocolate cake-

Dean: Guilt-

Anna: Sex.

Dean: Yeah, you got me there.

Ruby: What?

Dean: Nothing. It's just… an angel and a demon, riding in the back seat. It's like the setup to a bad joke. Or a Penthouse Forum letter.

Sam: Dude. Reality. Porn.

Dean: You call this reality?

(Anna kisses Dean)

Dean: What was that for?

Anna: You know ... my last night on Earth ... all that.

Dean: You're stealing my best line.

Uriel: Look at that. It's so cute when monkeys wear clothes.

Dean: Don't normally see you off leash. Where's your boss?

Uriel: Castiel? Well, he's, uh, he's not here. You see, he has this weakness. He likes you.

Uriel: You cut yourself a slice of... angel food cake. Didn't you? Huh? You did.

Uriel: How dare you come in this room... you pussing sore?

Alastair: Name-calling. That hurt my feelings... you sanctimonious, fanatical prick.

Dean: Well, what are you guys waiting for? Go get Anna... Unless, of course, you're scared.

Uriel: This isn't over.

Dean: Oh, it looks over to me, junkless.

Dean: I know you heard him.

Sam: Who?

Dean: Alastair. What he said... About how I had promise.

Sam: I heard him.

Dean: You're not curious?

Sam: Dean, I'm damn curious. But you're not talking about hell, and I'm not pushing.

Dean: It wasn't four months, you know.

Sam: What?

Dean: It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years.

Sam: Oh, my God.

Dean: They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore me in ways that you... until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... Like magic... Just so they could start in all over. And Alastair... At the end of every day... every one... He would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack... If I put souls on...if I started the torture. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines. For 30 years, I told him. But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The... the things that I did to them.

Sam: Dean... Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have.

Dean: How I feel... This... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.

Sam: What are you doing?

Dean: What's it look like I'm doing?

Sam: Like you're looking for a job.

Dean: Yahtzee.

Dean: Boy, three bedrooms, two baths, and one homicide. This place is gonna sell like hotcakes.

Sam: It's probably a dumbwaiter. All these old houses had them.

Dean: Know-It-All.

Sam: What?

Dean: What?

Sam: You said...

Dean: What?

Sam: Never mind.

Dean: Well, that's super disturbing.

Sam: Think it got left behind?

Dean: By who? Unless Bill Gibson likes to play with doll heads.

Kate: Did anyone bother to check if we get a signal out here?

Brian: Actually I did Kate, but we decided to move anyway just to ruin your life.

Kate: Another motel? Awesome Dad. I hope this one has hooker sheets like the last one.

(seeing the family in the haunted house)

Dean: Crap! So, what now?

Sam: We could tell them the truth.

Dean: Really?

Sam: No, not really.

Kate: I just got molested by Casper the Pervy ghost! That's what happened!

Dean: What kind of ghost messes with a man's wheels?!

Danny: You hunt ghosts?

Dean: That's right.

Danny: Like Scooby-Doo?

Dean: Better.

Dean: Please nobody grab my leg, please nobody grab my leg!

Sam: You were in Hell, Dean. But maybe you did what you did there... but you're not them. They were barely human.

Dean: No, you're right. I wasn't like them. I was worse. They were animals, Sam. Defending territory. Me? I did it for the sheer pleasure.

Sam: What?

Dean: I enjoyed it, Sam. They took me off the rack, and I tortured souls, and I liked it. All those years; all that pain. Finally getting to deal some out yourself... I didn't care who they put in front of me, because that-that pain I felt, it just slipped away. No matter how many people I save, I can't change that. I can't fill this hole. Not ever.

Charlie: Is he wearing eye-liner?

Vernon: Can't tell. I'm blinded by all the sterling silver.

Charlie and Vernon: What a douchebag.

Vernon: Oh, come on Jay, his misdirect is shaking his ass like an Eighth Avenue hooker.

Jay: Ah, who cares if it kills me? At least I'll go out with a headline.

Dean: What a douchebag.

Sam: That's Jeb Dexter.

Dean: I don't even want to know how you know that.

Sam: He's famous, kind of.

Dean: For what, douchebaggery?

Dean: I can't believe people actually fall for that crap.

Sam: It's not all crap.

Dean: What part of that was not a steaming pile of B.S.?

Sam: Okay, that was crap but that's not all magicians. It takes skill.

Dean: Oh, right, right, I forgot, you were actually into this stuff, weren't you? I mean, you had like a deck of cards and a wand?

Sam: Dude, I was thirteen. It was a phase.

Vernon: What a douchebag.

Dean: Couldn't agree more.

Chief: You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.

Dean: There's been a misunderstanding. I, uh, think I've been had.

Chief: Oh, you ain't been had, till you been had by the Chief. Oh, and before we get started, what's your safe word?

Sam: What are you doing here, Ruby?

Ruby: I should be asking you the same thing.

Sam: I'm working a job.

Ruby: The whole world's about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you're here in Magictown, U.S.A.

Sam: You got something against magic?

Dean: Find anything interesting?

Sam: What? No. You?

Dean: Nothin' I wanna talk about...or think about ever again.

Dean: The Chief, huh?

Charlie: What's the matter? Chief not your type?

Dean: Y'know, I could have you both arrested for obstruction of justice.

Vernon: How? You're no Fed.

Charlie: We con people for a living, son. Takes more than a fake badge to get past us.

Dean: You got us. Yeah, we-we are actually...aspiring magicians.

Sam: Yeah, we-we came to the convention 'cos we thought we could learn somethin'.

Dean: Yeah, get some ideas for our new show.

Vernon: Oooh, what kinda show?

Dean: It's-it's, ah...

Sam: It's a brother act.

Dean: Yeah! Yeah, you know with rings and doves and...rings.

Sam: Do you think we will?

Dean: What?

Sam: Die before we get old.

Dean: Haven't we both already?

Sam: You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60.

Dean: No. I think we'll be dead. For good. Why, do you want to end up like... like Travis? Or Gordon, maybe?

Sam: There's Bobby.

Dean: Oh yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully.

Sam: I just wish there was a way we could go after the source, that's all. Cut the head off the snake.

Dean: Well the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen.

Dean: Yeah, it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailin' him?

Sam: He slipped me.

Dean: He's a sixty-year-old.

Sam: He's a magician.

Sam: Wow, it's like a magic museum.

Dean: You must be in heaven.

Dean: I ain't Steve Guttenberg and this ain't Cocoon.

Jay: Charlie was like my brother and now he's dead because I did the right thing. He offered me a gift and I just threw it back in his face, so now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?

Dean: Today you will have the honor of playing one of the greatest games ever invented. A game of skill, agility, cunning. A game with one simple rule. Dodge.

Sam: Having fun?

Dean: The whistle makes me their god.

Sam: Right. Nice shorts.

Dean: I had to, uh, break into the principal's office to get this. Oh, and, uh, FYI, three of the cheerleaders are legal. Guess which ones.

Sam: No.

Young Dean: That kid's dead.

Young Sam: Dean.

Young Dean: I'm gonna rip his lungs out!

Young Sam: It's not a big deal.

Young Dean: Not a big deal? Sammy, look at yourself. If Dad was here...

Young Sam: He's not.

Young Dean: Well, I am. And as soon as I'm finished with that dick...

Young Sam: Just shut up, okay? I don't need your help.

Young Dean: That's right, you don't. You could've torn him apart, so why didn't you?

Young Sam: Because I don't wanna be the freak for once, Dean. I wanna be normal.

Young Sam: Any word from Dad?

Young Dean: He called this morning, says it's going to be another week, at least. We weren't supposed to be here this long.

Young Sam: At least you got Amanda. She's cool.

Young Dean: Dude, she wants me to meet her parents. I don't do parents.

Mr. Wyatt: Do you want to go into the family business, Sam?

Young Sam: No one's ever asked me that before.

Mr. Wyatt: Well?

Young Sam: More than anything, no.

Dean: That ghost is dead. I'm gonna rip its lungs out! ...Well, you know what I mean.

Dean: Go have your Robin Williams "O Captain! My Captain!" moment.

Dean: Ghost getting creative-well, that's super.

Dean: All right, everybody stay where you are. You'll be okay.

Jock on Bus: Aren't you the P.E. teacher?

Dean: Not really. I'm like 21 Jump Street. The bus driver sells pot. Yeah.

(an athlete collapses on top of Sam)

Sam: Little help.

Dean: He's giving you the full cowgirl.

Mr. Benson: Her name was... Jasmine.

Sam: She was a stripper?

Dean: Dude, her name was Jasmine.

Sam: Rough night?

Dr. Cara Roberts: Fun night. Rough morning.

Dean: (to Sam) Dude, you totally c-blocked me.

Sam: You seem pretty cheery.

Dean: Strippers, Sammy. Strippers! We are on an actual case involving strippers. Finally!

Sam: I just talked to Bobby. We officially have a theory.

Dean: What's that?

Sam: Siren.

Dean: Like Greek myth siren? The Odyssey? Hey, I read.

Sam: What do you think? She infects the men during sex?

Bobby: Maybe.

Dean: Supernatural STD.

Dean: What the hell am I supposed to do with him?

Sam: Just take him to the strip club, keep an eye out for the siren. Come on, Dean. Just, just focus on the naked girls. You'll forget he's even there.

Dean: I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for the girls.

Dean: You know, for a Fed you're not a total dick.

Nick: Aren't we both Feds?

Dean: Yeah, I know, I just... y'know, not a lot of Feds as cool as us, huh?

Cara: Haven't you ever been in a relationship where you really loved somebody and still kinda wanted to bash their head in?

Dean: Did you sleep with her?

Sam: No?

Dean: Holy crap, you did. Middle of Basic Instinct and you bang Sharon Stone? Sam, you could be under her spell right now.

Sam: Dude, I'm not under her spell

Dean: Unbelievable, man, I just don't get it.

Sam: What?

Dean: Nothing.

Sam: No, say it.

Dean: Nah, it's just first it's Madison and then Ruby and now Cara. It's like what is it with you and bangin' monsters?

Nick: Dean's all mine.

Sam: You poisoned him.

Nick: Nah, I gave him what he needed. And it wasn't some bitch in a G-string. It was you. A little brother that looked up to him. That he could trust. And now he loves me, he'd do anything for me.

Dean:Well, I dunno when it happened. Maybe when I was in Hell. Maybe when I was starin' right at you. But the Sam I knew; he's gone.

Sam: That so.

Dean: And it's not the demon blood or the psychic crap...it's the little stuff. The lies. The secrets.

Sam: Oh yeah, what secrets?

Dean: Your phone calls to Ruby, for one.

Sam: So I need your say-so to make a phone call?

Dean: That's the point. You're hiding things from me. What else aren't you telling me?

Sam: None of your business.

Dean: See what I mean? We used to be in this together. We used to have each other's backs!

Sam: Okay, fine, you wanna know why I didn't tell you about Ruby? And how we're hunting down Lilith? Because you're too weak to go after her, Dean. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are. Stronger, smarter; I can take out demons you're too scared to go near.

Dean: That's crap.

Sam: You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell, boo-hoo... You're not standin' in my way, anymore!

Sam: Dean, look, you know I didn't mean the things I said back there, right? That it was just the Sirens spell talking?

Dean: Of course, me too.

Sam: Okay. So... so we're good?

Dean: Yeah, we're good.

Sam: What?

Dean: This job is jacked that's what.

Sam: How so?

Dean: You want me to gank a monster or torch a corpse, hey, lets light it up, right? Bu- But this? If we fix whatever this is people are going to start dropping dead. Good people.

Sam: Look, I-I don't want them to die either Dean, but there's a... natural order.

Dean: You're kidding right?

Sam: What?

Dead: You don't see the irony in that? I mean, you and me, we're like the poster boys of the unnatural order. All we do is ditch death.

Sam: Yeah but the normal rules don't really apply to us. Do they?

Dean : We're no different than anybody else.

Sam : I'm infected with demon blood. You've been to Hell. Look, I know you want to think of yourself as Joe the Plumber, Dean, but you're not. Neither am I. The sooner you accept that the better off you're gonna be.

Dean: Joe the Plumber was a douche.

Alastair: You're stronger, Sam. You've been soloflexing with your little slut.

Sam: You have no idea.

Sam: How you doing?

Dean: I'm in pain that's how I'm doing. I think I have a concussion.

Sam: You want some aspirin?

Dean: No thanks, House.

Dean: Well, how come he couldn't fling you? He chucked you pretty good last time.

Sam: Got no idea.

Dean: Sam, do me a favor. If you're gonna keep your little secrets, I can't really stop you, but just don't treat me like I'm an idiot, okay?

Sam: What? Dean, I'm not keeping secrets.

Sam: Dean, reapers are invisible, the only people who can see them are the dead and the dying.

Dean: Well if ghosts are the only ones that can see them...

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Then we become ghosts.

Sam: You do have a concussion.

Dean: Sounds crazy. I know.

Sam: It is crazy.

Pamela: I can't even begin to tell you how crazy you two are.

Sam: Well, Pamela, you are a sight for sore eyes.

Pamela: Ah, that's sweet Grumpy. What do you say to deaf people?

Pamela: Tell me something, geniuses. Even if you do break into the Veil and you find the Reaper, how you going to save it?

Dean: With style and class.

Dean: I'm so feeling up Demi Moore.

Dean: (as a ghost, sticking his hand in Sam) Am I making you uncomfortable?

Sam: Get out of me.

Dean: You're such a prude. Come on.

Cole: Yeah. Thanks, Haley Joel, I know I'm dead.

Tessa: You don't remember me?

Dean: Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a girl say that...

Dean: How the hell are we supposed to fight that?

Sam: I don't know. Learn some ghost moves?

Dean: By tonight? Yeah, sure. I'll meet you back at Mr. Miyagi's.

Cole: Who's Mr. Miyagi?

Dean: Dude! You are so Amityville!

Sam: Dude, I'm not gonna do Fight Club with a 12-year-old.

Sam: Go to Hell.

Alastair: Oh, if only I could. But they just keep sending me back up to this Arctic craphole.

Dean: What the hell?

Castiel: Guess again.

Uriel: Now, you mind your tone with me.

Dean: No, you mind your damn tone with us.

Sam: We just got back from Pamela's funeral.

Dean: Pamela, you know, psychic Pamela? You remember her. Cas, you remember her. You-you burned her eyes out. Remember that? Good times!

Dean: I want to talk to Cas alone.

Uriel: I think I'll go seek... revelation. We might have some further orders.

Dean: Well, get some doughnuts while you're out.

Uriel: Ah, this one, just won't quit, will he? I think I'm starting to like you boy. [Uriel disappears]

Dean: You guys don't walk enough. You're gonna get flabby. You know, I'm starting to think Junkless has a better sense of humor that you do.

Castiel: Uriel's the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone.

Dean: What's goin' on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?

Castiel: My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.

Dean: Your sympathies?

Castiel: I was getting to close to the humans in my charge: you. They feel I've begun to express emotions; doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgement.

Dean: Well, tell Uriel, or whoever, you do not want me doing this. Trust me.

Castiel: Want it, no. But I've been told we need it.

Dean: You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.

Castiel: For what it's worth, I would give anything not to have you do this.

Alastair: [singing:] Heaven. I'm in heaven. And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak. And I seem to find the happiness I seek when we're out together and dancing cheek to cheek. [laughing] I'm sorry. This is a very serious, very emotional situation for you. I shouldn't laugh, it's just that, I mean, are they serious? They sent you to torture me?

Dean: You've got one chance. One. Tell me who's killing the angels. I want a name.

Alastair: You think I'll see all your scary toys and spill my guts?

Dean: Oh, you'll spill your guts one way or another. I just didn't want to ruin my shoes. Now answer the question.

Alastair: Or what? You'll work me over? But then, maybe, you don't want to. Maybe, you're a little scared to.

Dean: I'm here, aren't I?

Alastair: Not entirely. You left part of yourself back in the Pit. Let's see if we can get the two of you back together again, shall we?

Dean: You're gonna be disappointed.

Alastair: You have not disappointed me so far. Come on, you've gotta want a little payback for everything I did to you, for all the pokes and prods. No? Well, how about for all the things I did to your daddy?

Alastair: I had your pop on my rack for close to a century.

Dean: You can't stall forever.

Alastair: John Winchester made quite a name for himself. A hundred years. After each session I'd... I'd make him the same offer I made you: I'd put down my blade if he picked one up...

Dean: Just give me the demon's name, Alastair.

Alastair: ... but he said nein, each and every time... Damned if I couldn't break him. Pulled out all the stops. But John, he was made of something unique, the stuff of heroes. And then came Dean. Dean Winchester. I thought I was up against it again. But, daddy's little girl, he broke. He broke in thirty. Ah, just not the man your daddy wanted you to be, huh, Dean? No. Now we're getting somewhere. Holy water? Come on. Grasshopper, you're gonna have to get creative to impress me.

Dean: You know something, Alastair? I could still dream, even in Hell. And over and over and over, you know what I dreamt? I dreamt of this moment. And believe me... I've got a few ideas. Let's get started.

Alastair: Go directly to Hell. Do not pass 'Go', do not collect two hundred dollars.

Alastair: I carved you into a new animal, Dean. There is no going back.

Dean: Maybe you're right. But now it's my turn to carve. (twists the knife.)

Anna: Why are you letting Dean do this?

Castiel: He's doing God's work.

Anna: Torturing? That's God's work? Stop him, Cas. Please. Before you ruin the one real weapon you have.

Castiel: Who are we to question the will of God?

Anna: Unless this isn't His will.

Castiel: Then where do the orders come from?

Anna: I don't know. One of our superiors maybe. But not Him.

Anna: The Father you love, you think He wants this? You think He'd ask this of you? You think this is righteous? What you're feeling, it's called doubt. These orders are wrong and you know it. But you can do the right thing. You're afraid, Cas. I was too. [places her hand on top of his] But, together we can s—

Castiel: Together? [removes his hand from under hers] I am nothing like you. You fell. Go.

Anna: Cas...

Castiel: Go.

Alastair: Sorry. Something caught in my throat...I think it's my throat.

Alastair: You know, it was supposed to be your father. He was supposed to bring it on. But in the end, it was you.

Dean: Bring what on?

Alastair: Every night, the same offer, remember? Same as your father, and finally you said sign me up. Oh, the first time you picked up my razor, the first time you sliced into that weeping bitch. That was the first seal.

Dean: You're lying.

Alastair: "And it is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell. As he breaks, so shall it break." We had to break the first seal before any others, only way to get the dominoes to fall, right? Top of the one at the front of the line. When we win, when we bring on the Apocalypse and burn this earth down, we'll owe it all to you, Dean Winchester. Believe me, son, I wouldn't lie about that. It's kind of a religious sort of thing, I think.

Dean: No, I don't think you are lying. But even if the demons do win, you won't be there to see it.

Alastair: You've got a lot to learn, boy. So I'll see you back in class, bright and early, Monday morning.

Alastair: Lilith is not behind this. She wouldn't kill seven angels. She'd kill a hundred, a thousand. Oh, go ahead. Send me back. If you can.

Sam: I'm stronger than that now. Now I can kill. [uses his power to kill Alastair]

Castiel: Lucifer is not God.

Uriel: God isn't God any more.

Castiel: You can't win, Uriel. I still serve God.

Uriel: You haven't even met the man. [punches Castiel between each sentence] There is no will. No wrath. No God. [suddenly a blade emerges from his throat]

Anna: Maybe, maybe not. But there's still me. [removes the blade and Uriel dies in a burst of bright light leaving his wings seared into the floor]

Castiel: Are you alright?

Dean: No thanks to you.

Castiel: You need to be more careful.

Dean: You need to learn how to manage a damn Devil's Trap.

Castiel: That's not what I mean. Uriel is dead.

Dean: Was it the demons?

Castiel: It was disobedience. He was workin' against us.

Dean: Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?

Castiel: Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to Hell. And we fought our way to get to you before you –

Dean: Jump-started the apocalypse.

Castiel: We were too late.

Dean: Why didn't you just leave me there then?

Castiel: It's not blame that falls on you, Dean. It's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it.

Dean: Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me you son-of-a-bitch. What does that mean?

Castiel: I don't know.

Dean: Bull!

Castiel: I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you.

Dean: Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here, I'm not st—I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me.

Ian: What do you think of, uh, Mimi?

Sam: She's okay.

Ian: Might have to hit that.

Sam: Oh, dude, that's totally age inappropriate.

Ian: Experience.

Sam: Eh...Trifocals.

Sam: Can I ask you a question?

Dean: Look, man, I told you, I'm not into the, uh...

Sam: Oh dude, come on, I'm not either. I just wanna ask you one question.

Sam: I just can't shake this feeling like I... like I don't belong here. You know what I mean? Like I should do something more than sit in a cubicle.

Dean: I think most people who work in a cubicle feel that same way.

Dean: We do what I do best, Sammy. Research.

Sam: Okay. Did you just call me "Sammy"?

Dean: Did I?

Sam: I think you did. Yeah. Don't.

Ed Zeddemore: We know why you're watching.

Harry Spengler: You've got a problem.

Ed: A ghost problem.

Harry:A ghost related problem. A ghost, it's like a ghost adjacent pro- it's like a problem that's ghost—

Ed: Whatever.

Ed: First, salt; it's like acid to ghosts.

Harry: Burny acid.

Ed: Not LSD.

Harry: No, it's a bad trip for ghosts.

Ed: Next little trick, we learnt this from those... useless douchebags...

Harry: That we hate...

Ed: ...The Winchesters. Gun.

Harry: Shotgun shell.

Ed: Pack it up with fresh rock salt. Very effective.

Harry: ... very effective.

Ed: Winchesters still suck ass though.

Harry: Affirmative. Suckage major.

Harry: The aforementioned super annoying Winchester douchnozels also taught us this one other thing.

Ed: You have to burn the remains. Okay, this next part gets a little gross. Sometimes you might have to dig up the body. Sorry.

Harry: It's illegal in some states.

Ed: All states.

Harry: Possibly all states.

Ed: Fight well, young lions.

Dean: Details are everything! You don't want to go fighting ghosts without any health insurance.

Zachariah: You should see my découpage.

Dean: [brief pause] Gross... no, thank you.

Zachariah: Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.

Dean: Just to shake things up? Hmm? So you guys can have fun watching us run around like assclowns in monkey suits!?

Zachariah: To prove to you that the path you're on is truly in your blood. You're a Hunter. Not because your dad made you, not because God called you back from Hell, but because it is what you are and you love it, you'll find you to it in the dark every single time and you're miserable without it. Dean, let's be real here. You're good at this.

Zachariah: You'll do everything you're destined to do, all of it. But I know, I know, you're not strong enough, you're scared, you got daddy issues, you can't do it, right?

Dean: Angel or not, I will stab you in your face.

Zachariah: All I'm saying is, it's how you look at it. Most folks live and die without moving anything more than the dirt it takes to bury them. You get to change things, save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse, it's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around: there are plenty of fates worse than yours. So you with me? You want to go steam yourself another latte, or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

Dean: (reading a Supernatural book) This is freakin' insane. How's this guy know all this stuff?

Sam: You got me.

Dean: Everything is in here, I mean everything, from the racist truck to-to me having sex. I'm full frontal in here, dude.

Dean: There's Sam girls and Dean girls. And what's a slash fan?

Sam: As in... Sam slash Dean. Together.

Dean: Like... together together?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: They do know we're brothers, right?

Sam: Doesn't seem to matter.

Dean: Ah, come on. That... that's just sick.

Sam: Well, we're hoping that our article can... shine a light on an under-appreciated series.

Sera: Yeah! Yeah, I mean, because, you know, if we got a little bit of good press, then maybe we could start publishing again!

Dean: No, no, no. God no. I mean, why, why would you want to do that? You know, it's uh...such a complete series. What with Dean going to Hell and all.

Sera: Oh my God, that was one of my favorite ones because Dean was so... strong and sad and brave. And Sam... oh, I mean the best parts are when they cry, you know, like in... in "Heart." When Sam had to kill Madison, the first woman since Jessica he really loved. And in "Home," when Dean had to call John and ask him for help. If only real men were so open and in touch with their feelings.

Dean: Real men?

Sera: Oh... I mean, no offense. How often do you cry like that, hmm?

Dean: Well, right now I'm crying on the inside.

Sera: Is that supposed to be funny?

Dean: Lady, this whole thing is funny.

Chuck: Look, uh, I appreciate your enthusiasm. Really, I do. It's-it's always nice to hear from fans. But for your own good I strongly suggest you get a life.

Chuck: ... Oh, you're still there.

Dean: Yup.

Chuck: You're not a hallucination.

Dean: Nope.

Chuck: Well... there's only one explanation. Obviously, I'm a God.

Sam: We think you're probably just psychic.

Chuck: No. If I were psychic, you think I'd be writing? Writing is hard.

Dean: I'm sitting in a laundromat, reading about myself sitting in a laundromat, reading about myself. My head hurts.

Sam: There's gotta be something this guy's not telling us.

Dean: [reading] "Sam tossed his gigantic darks into the machine. He was starting to have doubts about Chuck, about whether he was telling the whole truth."

Sam: Stop it.

Dean: [reading] "'Stop it,' Sam said." Guess what you do next.

Sam: [turns away from Dean]

Dean: '[reading] "Sam turned his back on Dean, his face brooding and pensive." I mean, I dunno how he's doing it, but this guy is doing it. I can't see your face, but those're definitely your brooding and pensive shoulders.

Sam: ...

Dean: [glances down at Chuck's writings] ... you just thought I was a dick.

Sam: [turns back to Dean] Guy's good.

Dean: It frustrates me when you say such reckless things.

Sam: Well, it frustrates me when you'd rather hide than fight.

Dean: Oh my God! This is delicious! Tofu is amazing!

Waitress: I am so sorry! I gave you the bacon cheeseburger by mistake.

Dean: Behave yourself, would you? No homework. Watch some porn.

Chuck: Dean.

Dean: I take it you knew I'd be here.

Chuck: You look terrible.

Dean: It's because I just got hit by a minivan, Chuck.

Chuck: Oh.

Dean: That it? Every damn thing you write about me comes true, that's all you have to say is "oh"?!

Castiel: (commandingly) Dean, let him go! This man is to be protected.

Dean: Why?

Castiel: He's a prophet of the Lord.

Chuck: You... you're Castiel. Aren't you?

Castiel: It's an honor to meet you, Chuck. I admire your work.

Dean: Whoa whoa whoa. What, this guy, a prophet? Come on! He's practically a penthouse forum writer! (to Chuck) Did you know about this?

Chuck: I uh - I might have dreamt about it.

Dean: And you didn't tell us?

Chuck: It was too preposterous. Not to mention arrogant; I mean writing yourself into the story is one thing, but as a prophet? That's like M. Night-level douchiness.

Dean: (to Castiel) This is the guy who decides our fate?

Castiel: He isn't deciding anything. He's a mouthpiece, a conduit for the inspired word.

Dean: The word? The word of God? What, like the New New Testament?

Castiel: One day, these books, they'll be known as the Winchester Gospel.

Dean & Chuck: You gotta be kidding me.

Dean: Him? Really?

Castiel: You should've seen Luke...

Dean: Why'd he get tapped?

Castiel: I don't know how prophets are chosen. The order comes from high up on the celestial chain of command.

Dean: How high?

Castiel: Very.

Dean: Well whatever. How do we get around this?

Castiel: Around... what?

Dean: This Sam-Lillith love connection! How do we stop it from happening?

Castiel: What the prophet has written can't be unwritten. As he has seen it, so it shall come to pass.

Sam: You think I'll do it, don't you? You think I'll go darkside.

Dean: Yes! Okay? Yes. The way you've been acting lately! The things you've been doing! Oh, I know. How you ripped Alistair apart like it was nothing, like you were swatting a fly. Cas told me, okay?

Sam: ... What else did he tell you?

Dean: Nothing I don't already know. That you've been using your psychic crap and you've been getting stronger, we just don't know why, we don't know how.

Sam: It's not what you think...

Dean: Then what is it, Sam?! 'Cause I'm at a total loss!

Dean: Well, I feel stupid doing this, but... I am fresh out of options. So please. I need some help. I'm praying, okay? Now come on! Please.

Castiel: Prayer is a sign of faith. This is a good thing, Dean.

Dean: So does that mean you'll help me?

Castiel: I'm not sure what I can do.

Dean: Drag Sam out of here now, before Lillith shows up!

Castiel: It's a prophecy. I can't interfere.

Dean: You have tested me, and thrown me every which way. And I have never asked for anything. Not a damn thing. But now I'm asking. I need your help. Please.

Castiel: What you're asking, it's not within my power to do.

Dean: Why, cause it's divine prophecy?

Castiel: Yes.

Dean: So what, we're just supposed to sit around and-and wait for it to happen?

Castiel: I'm sorry.

Dean: Screw you. You and your mission. Your God. If you don't help me now, then when the time comes and you need me? Don't bother knocking.

Castiel: Dean. Dean!

Dean: What?

Castiel: You must understand why I can't intercede. Prophets are very special, they're protected.

Dean: I get that.

Castiel: If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all - an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce. They're absolute. They're Heaven's most terrifying weapon.

Dean: And these archangels, they're tied to prophets?

Castiel: Yes.

Dean: So if a prophet was in the same room as a demon...

Castiel: Then the most fearsome wrath of Heaven would rain down on that demon. Just so you understand... why I can't help.

Dean: Thanks, Cas.

Castiel: Good luck.

Chuck: What're you doing here? I didn't write this.

Dean: Come on, I need you to come with me.

Chuck: What? Where?

Dean: To the motel where Sam is.

Chuck: That's where Lilith is.

Dean: Yeah, exactly, I need you to stop her.

Chuck: Are you insane? Lilith?! I know what she's capable of, Dean. I wrote her.

Dean: This isn't a story anymore, man! This is real! And you're in it. Now I need you to get off your ass, and fight. Come on Chuck.

Chuck: ... no friggin' way.

Dean: Okay, well then how 'bout this? I've got a gun in my pocket, and if you don't come with me, I'll blow your brains out.

Chuck: I thought you said I was protected by an Archangel.

Dean: ... interesting exercise. Let's see who the quicker draw is.

Chuck: I am the prophet, Chuck!

Zachariah: Did you see it?

Chuck: Who are you?

Zachariah: I'm Zachariah. You may know me from your work.

Chuck: What do you want?

Zachariah: Did you see it?

Chuck: Is it true? Is all of that really going to happen?

Zachariah: Have you been wrong so far?

Chuck: I gotta warn Sam and Dean!

Zachariah: I wouldn't advise it. People shouldn't know too much about their own destiny. You try, and I'll stop you. Where are you going?

Chuck: To go kill myself.

Zachariah: Don't be melodramatic, Chuck. We'd only bring you back to life.

Chuck: What am I supposed to do?

Zachariah: What you always do. Write.

Dean: Now I'm thinking about dad sex, stop talking.

Sam: Maybe he slipped one past the goalie.

Dean: Dude!

Adam: He's a mechanic, right?

Dean: A car fell on him.

Adam: Okay, so basically you're saying that every movie monster, every nightmare that I've ever had, that's all real.

Dean: Godzilla's just a movie.

Adam: How can I help?

Dean: You can't.

Adam: This thing killed my mom. If you're hunting it, I want in.

Dean: No.

Sam: Dean, look maybe...

Dean: (interrupting) Maybe what?

Sam: He lost his mother. Maybe we can understand what that feels like.

Dean: Why do you think dad never told us about this kid, Sam, huh? Why do you think he ripped out the pages?

Sam: Because...

Dean: (interrupting) Because he was protecting him!

Sam: Dad's dead, Dean.

Dean: It doesn't matter! He didn't want Adam to have our lives, okay? And we're gonna respect his wishes.

Adam: Do I get a say in this?

Dean and Sam (in unison): No!

Graveyard Caretaker: Tell me, Agent Nugent, have you thought about where you might like to spend eternity?

Dean: All the damn time.

(Montage of Sam and Adam salting all the windows and boarding up all but one of the vents in Adam's house.)

Sam: Alright, we've closed off every other way into the house. If this thing's coming, it's coming through here.

(Sound of front door creaking open.)

Adam: You were saying?

Dean: You know I finally get why you and dad butted heads so much. You two are practically the same person. I mean I worshiped the guy, y'know: I-I dressed like him, I acted like him, I listened to the same music. But you are more like him than I will ever be. I see that now.

Sam: I'll take that as a compliment.

Dean: You can take it any way you want.

Castiel: We need to talk.

Dean: I'm dreaming, aren't I?

Castiel: It's not safe here... someplace more private.

Dean: More private? We're inside my head.

Castiel: Exactly. Someone could be listening.

Dean: Cas, what's wrong?

Castiel: Meet me here. Go now.

Dean: Cas you okay?

Jimmy: Castiel - I'm not Castiel. It's me.

Sam: Who's me?

Jimmy: Jimmy - my name's Jimmy.

Dean: Where the hell is Castiel?

Jimmy: He's gone.

Dean: What were you doing anyway?

Sam: I went for a Coke.

Dean: Was it a refreshing Coke?

Dean: You look terrific.

Anna: Uh, yeah... Not the most appropriate time, Dean.

Claire: Hi Daddy!

Jimmy: Hi baby.

Amelia: Okay, so we have turkey and roast beef... it better be okay, it's all we have.

Jimmy: Oh it's fine. It's more than fine. Should we sit?

Amelia: Yeah.

Jimmy: It's perfect (picks up a sandwich)

Claire: Daddy? Aren't you going to say grace?

Jimmy: No honey, I don't think I am.

Claire: Why are you crying?

Jimmy: Because I'm happy.

Sam: You have to come with us.

Jimmy: How long? And don't give me that "cross that bridge when we get to it" crap.

Sam: Don't you get it? Forever. The demons will never stop. You can never be with your family. So, you either get as far away from them as possible. Or you put a bullet in your head, And that's how you keep your family safe. But there's no getting out and there's no going home.

Dean: Well don't sugarcoat it, Sam.

Sam: I got a little dizzy.

Dean: Look, you can call it whatever you want. Point is, you used to be strong enough to kill Alastair. Now you can't even kill Stunt Demon #3.

Sam: What do you want me to say about it Dean?

Dean: For starters, what's going on with your mojo? I mean it's yo-yoing all over the place. I'm not trying to pick a fight here, okay? I just-you're scaring me man.

Sam: I'm scaring myself.

Jimmy: Castiel you son of a bitch! You promised me my family would be okay, you promised you were gonna take care of them! I gave you everything you asked me to give, I gave you more! This is the thanks I get? This is what you do? This is your Heaven? Help me, please! You promised, Cas! Just help me!

Castiel/Claire: Of course we keep our promises. Of course you have our gratitude. You served us well. Your work is done. It's time to go home now. Your real home. You'll rest forever in the fields of the Lord. Rest now, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Claire!

Castiel/Claire: She's with me now. She's chosen. It's in her blood. As it was in yours.

Jimmy: Please, Castiel. You need to take me. Take me, please.

Castiel/Claire: I want to make sure you understand. You won't die, or age. If this last year was painful for you, picture a hundred. A thousand more like it.

Jimmy: It doesn't matter! You take me! Just take me.

Castiel/Claire: As you wish.

Dean: Cas, hold up. What were you gonna tell me?

Castiel: I learned my lesson while I was away Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you.

Sam: You saw what I did, come on, stop the car, take a swing!

Dean: I'm not gonna take a swing.

Sam: Then scream, chew me out!

(Bobby, Sam, and Dean are standing outside Bobby's panic room)

Bobby: Go on inside, I want to show you something. (Sam walks in)

Sam: Alright. So, uh, what's the big demon problem?

Bobby: You are. This is for your own good (locks Sam inside the panic room).

Sam: I'm not drinking the demon blood for kicks. I'm getting strong enough to kill Lilith.

Dean: How long is this gonna go on?

Bobby: Here, let me look it up in my demon-detox manual. Oh, wait. No one ever wrote one.

Young Sam: The answer is yes, you're hallucinating. That's right, it's me, or I mean it's you

Sam: I'm losing my mind.

Young Sam: Definitely.

Sam: What do you want?

Young Sam: An explanation. How could you do this to me? I thought we were gonna be normal.

Sam: I tried, I did. It didn't pan out that way. Sorry kid.

Young Sam: Sorry kid, that's what you have to say? It's all we ever wanted. We were so close! You got away from dad, you quit hunting, you were gonna become a lawyer and get married. Why'd you blow it?

Sam: Look, they killed Jessica.

Young Sam: Yeah, and if you hadn't run off with Dean, if you had been there to protect her, she'd still be alive.

Sam: I know.

Young Sam: Think Jess would want you to turn into this? She loved you! You think she'd be happy, you using her as an excuse?

Sam: I'm sorry, I am, but life doesn't turn out the way you thought it would when you were 14 years old. We were never gonna be normal, we were never gonna get away. Grow up.

Young Sam: Maybe you're right, maybe there's, no escape. After all, how can you run from what's inside you? [eyes turn yellow]

Dean: Cut the crap. You were gonna tell me something.

Castiel: Nothing of import.

Dean: You got ass-reamed in Heaven but it was not "of import"?

Castiel: Get to the reason you really called me; it's about Sam, right?

Dean: ... Can he do it? Kill Lilith? Stop the Apocalypse?

Castiel: Possibly, yes. But, as you know, he would have to take certain steps.

Dean: Crank up the hell-blood regimen.

Castiel: Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever; most likely he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill.

Castiel: [to Dean] Stand up, and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it.

Castiel: Do you give yourself over wholly to the service of God and His angels?

Dean: Yeah, exactly.

Castiel: Say it.

Dean: I give myself over wholly to serve God and you guys.

Bobby: Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you willingly signed up to be the angels' bitch? I'm sorry. You prefer "sucker"?

(Sam unlocks the door to Bobby's car and sees Bobby standing behind him with a shot gun, Sam slowly stands)

Bobby: (cocks shotgun) Uh-uh Sam, the only place you're going is back inside with me.

Sam: No

Bobby: Damn it, boy.

Sam: You won't shoot me Bobby.

Bobby: Don't test me.

Sam: You won't do it. (walks forward until Bobbby's gun is pressed to his stomach) You can't do it.

Bobby: We're trying to help you, Sam.

Sam: (places one hand on the barrel of the gun and raises it to his heart) Then shoot.

Dean: Yeah, well, I'll tell you one thing. At this point, I hope he's with Ruby.

Bobby: Why?

Dean: 'Cause killing her is the next big item on my to-do list.

Bobby: I thought you were on call for angel duty.

Dean: I am on call, in my car, on my way to murder the bitch.

Sam: Stop bossing me around, Dean! Look, my whole life you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now, I am asking you, for once, trust me.

Dean: No. You don't know what you're doing, Sam.

Sam: Yes, I do!

Dean: Then that's worse!

Sam: Why? Look I'm telling you-

Dean: Because it's not something that you're doing, it's what you are! It means...

Sam: What? No. Say it!

Dean: It means you're a monster.

Sam: You don't know me. You never did, and you never will.

Dean: If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back.

Azazel: I suppose some dumb bastard stood here, felt a jolt of his holy juice and thought "I'm going to build me a nun factory." Well, it was the right idea... wrong angel.

Dean: I'm not even sure if he's still my brother any more. If he ever was.

Bobby: You stupid stupid son of a bitch! Well boo hoo. I am so sorry your feelings are hurt... princess! Are you under the impression that family's supposed to make you feel good? Make you an apple pie, maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family.

Dean: I told him "If you walk out that door, don't come back" and he walked out anyway .. that was his choice!

Bobby: You sound like a whiny brat... No you sound like your dad. Well let me tell you something, your dad was a coward

Dean: My dad was a lot of things, Bobby, but a coward.

Bobby: He'd rather push Sam away then reach out to him... well that don't strike me as brave... you are a better man than your daddy ever was, so you do both of us a favor... don't be him

Dean: How about this? The "Suite Life of Zach and Cas".

Zachariah: Try a burger. They're your favorite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were eleven, I think.

Dean: I'm not hungry.

Zachariah: No? How about Ginger from Season 2 of Gilligan's Island? You do have a thing for her, don't you?

Dean: Tempting. Weird.

Zachariah: We'll throw in Mary Anne for free.

Dean: Bail on the holodeck, okay? I want to know what the game plan is.

Zachariah: Let us worry about that. We want you... focused, relaxed.

Dean: Well, I'm about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking, Chuckles.

Zachariah: We'll do our job, you just make sure you do yours.

Dean: Yeah, and what is that, exactly? I'm supposed to be the one that stops her, how? With the knife?

Zachariah: All in good time.

Dean: Isn't now a good time?

Zachariah: Have faith.

Dean: What, in you? Give me one good reason why I should.

Zachariah: Because you swore your obedience... so obey.

Sam: Where's Lilith?

Demon: I'm not scared of you.

Sam: Yeah, you are, actually. And with good reason.

Demon: Look... what's my upside? Okay, I tell you, you kill me. I don't tell you, you still kill me. I get away somehow, Lilith will definitely kill me. So where's my carrot?

Dean: I'm still pissed, and I owe you a serious beatdown, but...I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm not dad. We're brothers, you know, we're family, and, uh, no matter how bad it gets, that doesn't change. Sammy, I'm sorry.

Ruby: (referring to disemboweled nuns) What's black and white and red all over?

Castiel: You asked to see me.

Dean: Yeah, listen, I, uh, I need something.

Castiel: Anything you wish.

Dean: I need you to take me to see Sam.

Castiel: Why?

Dean: There's something I gotta talk to him about.

Castiel: What's that?

Dean: ... The BM I took this morning, what's it to you? Just make it snappy.

Castiel: I don't think that's wise.

Dean: Well, I didn't ask you for your opinion.

Castiel: Have you forgotten what happened the last time you met?

Dean: No. That's the whole point. Listen, I'm gonna do whatever you mooks want, okay? I just need to tie up this one thing; five minutes, that's all I need.

Castiel: ... No.

Dean: ... What do you mean "no"? Are you saying that I'm trapped here?

Castiel: You can go wherever you want.

Dean: Super, I wanna go see Sam.

Castiel: Except there.

Dean: I wanna take a walk.

Castiel: Fine, I'll go with you.

Dean: Alone.

Castiel: No.

Dean: ... You know what, screw this noise; I'm outta here.

Castiel: Through what door?

Zachariah: Quit hurling feces like a howler monkey, would you? It's unbecoming.

Zachariah: Our grunts on the ground - we couldn't just tell them the whole truth. We'd have a full-scale rebellion on our hands. I mean, think about it. Would we really let 65 seals get broken unless senior management wanted it that way?

Zachariah: The apocalypse. Poor name, bad marketing, puts people off, when all it is is Ali/Foreman. On a slightly larger scale.

Dean: What happens to all the people during your little pissing contest?

Zachariah: Well, can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. In this case, truckloads of eggs, but you get the picture.

Zachariah: When you've won, your rewards will be unimaginable. Peace, happiness, two virgins and 70 sluts...

Dean: Tell me something. Where's God in all this?

Zachariah: God? God has left the building.

Castiel: You can't reach him, Dean. You're outside your coverage zone.

Dean: What're you gonna do to Sam?

Castiel: Nothing. He's gonna do it to himself.

Dean: What's that supposed to mean? Oh right, right. Better toe the company line. Why are you here, Cas?

Castiel: We've been through much together, you and I; I just wanted to say I'm sorry it ended like this.

Dean: Sorry? (Dean hits Castiel) It's Armageddon, Cas, you need a bigger word than "sorry."

Castiel: Try to understand; this is long foretold, this is your-

Dean: Destiny? Don't give me that "holy" crap. Destiny, God's plan... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and keep you in line! You know what's real? People, families - that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?

Castiel: What is so worth saving?! I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you, I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In Paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam.

Dean: You can take your peace... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in Paradise. This is simple, Cas! No more crap about being a good soldier; there is a right, and there is a wrong here, and you know it. Look at me! You know it! And you were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to Bible Camp. Help me, now. Please.

Castiel: ...What would you have me do?

Dean: Get me to Sam, we can stop this before it's too late!

Castiel: I do that, we will all be hunted! We'll all be killed!

Dean: If there is anything worth dying for... this is it... (Castiel shakes his head) You spineless, soulless son of a bitch! What do you care about dying? You're already dead. We're done.

Castiel: Dean.

Dean: We're done.

Chuck: (Speaking on the phone) Oh yeah? Really? At the same time? Really? Wow. That sounds... moist.

Woman: (On the phone, laughs) Well, it can be.

Chuck: What're your rates?

Woman: We can get you one girl, one hour, one thousand.

Chuck: ... okay, then I'll take 20 girls, for the whole night.

Woman: I'm... not sure you can afford that.

Chuck: Lady, sometimes you gotta live like there's no tomorrow. (Turns to see Dean and Castiel standing in his kitchen) ... wh-th-th-this isn't supposed to happen.

Woman: Sir?

Chuck: (Speaks hastily into the phone) No, lady, this is definitely supposed to happen, but... I just gotta call you back. (Hangs up and stares at Dean and Castiel) I...

Lilith: Don't be afraid; we're going to save the world.

Dean: (Reading from Chuck's writings) St. Mary's? What is that, a convent?

Chuck: Yeah, but... you guys aren't supposed to be there; you're not in this story.

Castiel: Yeah, well... we're making it up as we go.

Chuck: (His house begins to shake violently, as light surrounds the room) What-? Oh man... not again! (Sparks fly from his computer) Agh!

Castiel: (Shouts over the noise) It's the Archangel! (To Dean) I'll hold him off; I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!

Sam: I've been waiting for this for a very long time.

Lilith: Then give me your best shot.

Lilith: [Laughing] You turned yourself into a freak. A monster. And now you're not gonna bite? I'm sorry, but that is honestly adorable. [Sam uses his powers to kill her, his eyes turning black]

Ruby: I can't believe it.

Sam: Ruby, what's going on?

Ruby: You did it. I-I mean, it was a little touch and go there for a while, but you did it.

Sam: What? What-what did I do?

Ruby: You opened the door, and now he's free at last. He's free at last! Congratulations!

Sam: No, no, no-he, eh Lilith. I stopped her. I killed her!

Ruby: "And it is written, that the first demon shall be the last seal." And you busted her open, now guess who's coming to dinner.

Sam: Oh my god. I did it! Oh, yes! Finally!

Ruby: Guess again!

[Dean bursts in, drawing Ruby's Knife. She turns to face him]

Ruby: You're too late.

Dean: I don't care.

[Sam grabs a shocked Ruby from behind and Dean stabs her with the knife and then twists it before pulling it out. Ruby falls to the ground, dead]

Sam: He's coming...

Mohinder: Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all. Not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here.

Mohinder: Man is a narcissistic species by nature. We have colonized the four corners of our tiny planet. But we are not the pinnacle of so-called evolution. That honor belongs to the lowly cockroach. Capable of living for months without food. Remaining alive headless for weeks at a time. Resistant to radiation. If God has indeed created Himself in His own image, then I submit to you that God is a cockroach.

Claire: This is Claire Bennet. And that was attempt number six.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Hiro: My clock. I made it go back one second using only my mind, my thoughts.

Ando: Too bad you're not paid by the hour.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Hiro: I have discovered powers beyond any mere mortal.

Ando: Right. You and Spock.

Hiro: Yes. Like Spock. Exactly.

[Hiro's boss suddenly grabs him by the neck and drags him back to his desk.]

Ando: Use your death grip, Spock! The death grip!

Hiro: You don't understand, I want to be special.

Ando: We are not special. We are Japanese!

[Peter encounters Mohinder, who is driving a cab.]

Mohinder: Some individuals, it is true, are more special. This is natural selection. It begins as a single individual born or hatched like every other member of their species. Anonymous. Seemingly ordinary. Except they're not. They carry inside them the genetic code that will take their species to the next evolutionary rung. It's destiny.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Ando: Fine. I'll humor you. Let's say you really do have this power. What do you do with it? Join the circus? No one ever got laid by stopping the second hand of a clock.

Hiro: As I develop my powers, I'll learn to bend space, too. Then I can teleport myself anywhere on the planet.

Ando: Like Star Trek.

Hiro: Every hero must learn his purpose. Then he'll be tested and called to greatness.

Ando: I think I need a stiff drink! "Beam us up, Scotty".

[Translated from Japanese.]

Ando: Tell me one useful thing you could do with this power. Can you make money?

Hiro: A super hero doesn't use his power for personal gain.

Ando: Then what good is it? Can you teleport yourself into the women's bathroom? Now, there's something useful. You won't learn your "purpose" in there, but you might learn something about life.

[Translated from Japanese.]

Hiro: (cheerfully) I did it! I teleported in to the women's bathroom!

Ando: Then you're a pervert!

Peter: It happened two more times. Look, sometimes I'm falling, sometimes I'm flying - sometimes you're in them!

Nathan: I don't have time for this now.

Peter: They're not just dreams, Nathan.

Nathan: Hold this.

Peter: I thought they'd go away, but they're not!

Nathan: Jim, I need this back by six, please. Thanks.

Peter: This morning, when I got out of bed, my foot hovered before it hit the ground - hovered!

Nathan: [to assistant]: Let me see the list

Peter: For a split second, like I was - like I was floating! I'm telling you, I-I think I can fly!

Nathan:[hands clipboard to assistant]: These all undecideds?:[to Peter]:Tell you what, you think you can fly? Why don't you jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, see what happens.

Peter: Maybe, I ought to start with something a little lower, first, just like learning to walk.

Nathan: You're serious?

Peter: Oh, I'm serious.

Peter: You didn't hear anything that I said earlier today, did you?

Nathan: About that bit how you can fly. Yeah I did. I'm gonna pretend for both our sakes you didn't say anything like that.

Sandra: So, what about you, Claire? Do anything special today?

Claire: I walked through fire and I didn't get burned.

Mohinder: This quest. This need to solve life's mysteries. In the end, what does it matter when the human heart can only find meaning in the smallest of moments? They're here. Among us. In the shadows. In the light. Everywhere. Do they even know yet?

Peter: I've been up here all night. Thinking about this. Thinking about my destiny.

Nathan: What you doing, Pete?

Peter: It's my turn to be somebody now, Nathan!

Nathan: Come on, Peter. Quit screwing around

Nathan:[has just flown up and caught his brother in mid-air]: Peter!

Peter:[shocked]: You're flying Nathan! You're flying! How did you...

Nathan: I don't know.:[Peter slips from his grasp and falls]: No! No!

Mohinder: We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate. But have we truly any choice in when we rise? Or when we fall? Or does a force larger than ourselves bid us our direction? Is it evolution that takes us by the hand? Does science point our way? Or is it God who intervenes, keeping us safe?

Peter: What happened?

Nathan: You don't remember?

Peter: No.

Nathan:You jumped, Pete.

Peter: Jumped?

Nathan: Off the roof of a fifteen story building. You tried to kill were a little wound up yesterday, but I thought you were just you being you.

Peter: What are you talking about? I didn't try to kill myself. You were in the alley below. I jumped, and you... you flew.

Nathan: I what?

Peter: You flew up and you caught me.

Nathan: You jumped, Peter, twenty five feet to a fire escape. I climbed up and carried you down. That's what happened. The rest is just crazy talk. You understand?

Detective Furukawa: He says he teleported himself here.

Other Detective: Teleported? What the hell is that?

Hiro: Like Star Trek.

Detective Furukawa: He says he can bend the time/space continuum.

Other Detective: Funny, I've seen all the Star Treks. I don't remember you from the show.

Peter:[standing on the roof, preparing to jump]: Tell me what happened, Nathan. When I me you flew. I wanna hear you say that you flew. Tell me or I jump again.

[Nathan says nothing]

Peter: Good luck on your campaign when I'm splattered all over the ground below.

Nathan: All right. You want the truth?

Peter: Yeah.

Nathan: We both flew, Pete. I caught you and I lost control. You were too heavy. We both started falling to the ground and just before we... just before we hit, you flew. You.

Peter:[incredulous]: Are you lying to me?

'[Nathan shakes his head]

Peter: You are.

[moves towards Nathan]

Peter: You're tryin' telling me what you think I wanna hear. You're lying to me, again!

[Nathan points at Peter's feet. Peter looks down to see himself hovering. Shocked, he drops back onto the rooftop]

Peter: Did you see that? Did you see that? That- I flew!

Nathan: I know, I know.

[Closing voiceover.]

Mohinder: For all his bluster, it is the sad province of man that he cannot choose his triumph. He can only choose how he will stand when the call of destiny comes, hoping he will have the courage to answer.

Mohinder: When evolution selects its agents, it does so at a cost, makes demands in exchange for singularity and you may be asked to do something against your very nature. Suddenly the change in your life that should have been wonderful comes as a betrayal. It may seem cruel, but the goal is nothing short of self-preservation, survival.

Peter: Listen, I-I tried it again

Nathan: Tried what?

Peter: What do you mean what? What do you think that I mean? I-I tried to fly.

Nathan: Would you keep your voice down?

Peter: You were there. Last night I could fly. This morning, nothing. I nearly broke my neck trying.

Nathan: Well, that would have solved one of our problems.

Ando: I'm confused. You said you called me when you went in the future.

Hiro: Yeah. So?

Ando: So, shouldn't I be at home waiting for your call?

Hiro: We're changing the future. By taking action, we've changed something.

Ando: What if we make it worse? And if there's going to be a nuclear explosion, shouldn't we be flying away from the bomb?

Hiro: A hero doesn't run away from his destiny. My only concern is whether I need to hide my true identity. Perhaps a costume?

Ando: You even mention tights and a cape, I'm going home.

Eden: Well, this is macaroni and cheese. It's what Americans eat when they want to commit suicide slowly.

Ando: Who are you calling?

Hiro: The comic book author. To warn him about the future. He keeps hanging up on me.

Ando: That's because you're crazy. I'd hang up on you too, if I could.

Isaac: I don't want to lose you, Simone. But if you don't believe in me, then you shouldn't be here.

Simone: Fine. You can paint the future. Paint one without me in it.

Mohinder: This force, evolution, is not sentimental. Like the earth itself, it knows only the hard facts of life's struggle with death. All you can do is hope and trust that when you have served its needs faithfully, there may still remain some glimmer of the life you once knew.

Mohinder: Sometimes questions are more powerful than answers. How is this happening? What are they? Why them and not others? Why now? What does it all mean?

Claire: Look, you can't say anything. I'm fine. He was drunk and it was an accident.

Zach: Which part was an accident? The rape or the murder?

Claire: It didn't happen.

Zach: Yeah, because he killed you before he had the chance.

Claire: I'm alive!

Zach: Yeah, now, but you weren't on the autopsy table.

Claire: Shhh!

Zach: Look, you said you had a hole in your head. Okay, maybe when - maybe when they pulled whatever was in there, its when you like, rebooted or whatever.

Claire: I'm not a hard drive.

Zach: No, you're little Miss Miracle Gro.

Claire: Don't ever call me that again.

Nathan: Don't insult me. I have trained professionals to do that.

Nathan: You have any kids?

Nikki: That's another question

Nathan: Right

Nikki: One. Boy Genius.

Nathan: Boy?

Nikki: Boy

Nathan: I've got two boys. Not geniuses, just boys.

Mohinder: When a change comes, some species feel the urge to migrate, they call it zugunruhe. "A pull of the soul to a far off place," following a scent in the wind, a star in the sky. The ancient message comes calling the kindred to take flight and gather together. Only then they can hope to survive the cruel season to come.

Nathan: Two million dollars makes me a candidate in your pocket. Four million makes me a congressman.

Future Hiro: Save the cheerleader, save the world!

Nathan: All right, I get it. A guy in his pajamas. Ha ha. Now we can all stare and have a good laugh, or one of you can lend me your cell phone.

Mohinder: [voiceover] Evolution is imperfect and often a violent process. A battle between what exists and what is yet to be born. Amidst these birth pains, morality loses its meaning, the question of good and evil reduced to one simple choice: survive or perish.

Ando: You came from the future and told them to save the cheerleader. Oh, and you had a sword.

Hiro: I had a sword?

Ando: Every hero is on a journey to find his place in the world. But it's a journey. You don't start at the end, otherwise they can't make a movie about it later.

Peter: [to Nathan] Hey, you know what? I'm just gonna fly off the terrace yeah? No? Hey, I can fly. Nathan so can you. Tell you what. Why don't you just race around the Statue of Liberty real quick. Huh? Give this tweedy cat something to write about.

Ted Sprague: Do you have any idea as to what would happen, Cause I don't. Maybe I'll explode. Maybe I'll take out this hospital. Maybe I'll wipe out the city like an atomic bomb!

Mohinder: [voiceover] You do not choose your destiny, it chooses you. And those that knew you before Fate took you by the hand cannot understand the depth of the changes inside. They cannot fathom how much you stand to lose in failure...that you are the instrument of flawless Design. And all of life may hang in the balance. The hero learns quickly who can comprehend and who merely stands in your way.

Lyle: Are you aliens?!

Zach: Yeah, and we're gonna anal-probe you...

Lyle: I'm gonna put this on YouTube and make like, a million dollars!

Zach: YouTube's free, you idiot!

Nathan:[to Peter] I'm trying to make a difference, Peter, the best way I know how. Flying around... how is that going to help anybody. What is it- What am I- What am I going to do when I get there? I don't have a gun. I don't have a badge. I don't know karate. I guess I could put on a costume and fly around and pull cats out of trees. How's that going to make a difference?

Mohinder: [voiceover] The Earth is large. Large enough that you think you can hide from anything. From Fate. From God. If only you found a place far enough away. So you run. To the edge of the Earth. Where all is safe again. Quiet, and warm. The solace of salt air. The peace of danger left behind. The luxury of grief. And maybe, for a moment, you believe you have escaped.

Mohinder: [voiceover] You can run far, you can take your small precautions. But have you really gotten away? Can you ever escape? Or is it the truth that you did not have the strength or cunning to hide from destiny? That the world is not small. you are. And, fate can find you anywhere.

Mohinder: [voiceover] We are, if anything, creatures of habit. Drawn to the safety and the comfort of the familiar. But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe? When the fear that we've been desperately trying to avoid, finds us where we live?

Zach: I know who I am. I like who I am. I like who you are. I just... I just wish you liked who you are.

Claire: I'm finally realizing who my friends really are. And that maybe being different isn't the end of the world. That's just who I am.

Zach: Exactly. You've got to embrace your inner freak. Because the only thing that you'll regret is denying who you really are.

D.L.: It's going to be you and me from here on out. Partners.

Micah: You mean like Batman and Robin?

D.L.: Yeah, like Batman and Robin. Only, I ain't wearing no tights. You can wear tights, I ain't wearing no tights.

Mohinder: [voiceover] We are all at our cores the sum of our fears. To face destiny we must, inevitably, face those fears, and conquer them. Whether they come from the familiar or the unknown.

[Sylar confronts Brian Davis.]

Sylar: You're broken. I can fix you.

[At the Union Wells High crime scene, Agt. Audrey Hanson is skeptical of Sgt. Matt Parkman's marital fidelity.]

Audrey: Well, statistically speaking, law enforcement attracts a certain kind of male personality.

Matt: Ohhh. What personality would that be?

Audrey: Dogs.

Matt: And the female personality?

Audrey: Bitches. We keep it in the canine family.

Claire: You're totally my hero.

[Hiro gets a well-timed cellphone call from Isaac.]

Ando: Who is it?

Hiro: Destiny!

Ando: I wish Destiny would lose our number.

[Peter and Nathan are walking out of the police station. Peter tries to discuss others' powers with Nathan.]

Peter: ... I-I think he was trying to read my mind. They were all like us!

Nathan: Dysfunctional?

[Alone at home, Claire is suddenly grabbed by the Haitian.]

The Haitian: I work for your father! He sent me here to make you forget; like he sent me to your friend, and your brother. And to your mother, so many times. He'll be here soon, expecting that you won't remember anything. But it is very important that you do. Tell me, Claire: Can you keep a secret?

Ando: [to Hiro] Future you doesn't count as you.

Mohinder: [voiceover] In the beginning there was discovery. A confusion of elements. The first snowfall of impossible change. Old lives undone, left behind. Strange faces, made familiar. New nightmares, to challenge sleep. New friends, to feel safe with. Only then comes control. The need to impose order unto chaos, through determination, through study, through struggle. All in defiance of a thundering truth. They're here, and the earth shudders underfoot.

Policeman: If you didn't have a record showing you were in India when some of these people were killed you and I would be having a very different conversation.

Mohinder: How fortunate for me then.

Matt: We didn't look everywhere. Maybe-maybe there's a secret room somewhere. 'Kay Maybe-

Superior: and maybe I can whistle the Star-Spangled Banner out of my ass.

Niki: Death penalty?

Lawyer: Look I know it's a long shot but it might help if you co-operated a little.

Niki: How am I supposed to do that?

Jessica: He's right Niki we should tell him...

Niki: Stop It!...Don't pay any attention to her.

Lawyer: Pay attention to who?

Jessica: God, who am I gonna have to screw to get out of here-?

Niki: I said stop it!

Lawyer: What is this?

Jessica: What's it look like dipstick?

Lawyer: Wait you're going psych on me?

Jessica: If that's what it takes.

Hiro: [pausing infront of a guard and talking slowly] ...Which way to gift store? [Guard points] Thank you!

...

Hiro: [in Japanese] It's one antique, if I don't get it this whole museum will explode anyway. It's a good deal for them.

Hiro: Mr. Isaac bad news, sword not there. Original owned by a man named Linderman.

Nathan: [coming out from behind a painting] Did he say Linderman?!

Hiro: [after spotting Nathan] Flying Man!

[Nathan and Hiro are at Isaac's apartment's window.]

Hiro: The bomb, it come from the street, destroys everything, everything turn into dust, poof!

Nathan: Your English is a lot better.

Hiro: I met a waitress in Texas.

Nathan: Hmm?

Hiro: She teach me many things.

Nathan: Good for you.

Hiro: [in broken English] You will help too!

Nathan: Me? What makes you so sure?

Hiro: You're flying man! Woooooosh!

Nathan: Shh! Will you keep it down?

Hiro: [quietly] Whoooosh.

Hiro: Dunno probably bad guy.

Nathan: Bad guy?

Hiro: Yes. Like billain.

Nathan: What's that..?

Hiro: ..Billain.

Nathan: Billian?

Hiro: Billain.

Nathan: Villain.

Hiro: Vi-

Nathan: Vi-

Hiro: Viiyun

{The Japanese language has no "V" sound}

Hiro: I'm just like Mr. Issac draw me, except my face not so round.

Niki: Oh God, please help me.

Jessica: Who needs God when you've got me?

Mohinder: When we embrace what lies within, our potential knows no limit. The future is filled with promise. The present, rife with expectation. But when we deny our instinct, and struggle against our deepest urges... Uncertainty begins. Where does this path lead? When will the changes end? Is this transformation a gift... or a curse? And for those that fear what lies ahead... The most important question of all... Can we really change what we are?

Hiro: I am very special, I offer myself in trade! Release unspecial Ando!

Hiro: You cannot bribe a hero. My heart is true. My spirit unbreakable.

Hank: I did everything I could. He's dead.

Mr. Bennet: Well, that's less than ideal.

Claude: Nurse who's an empath, very cute.

Peter: What's an empath?

Claude: Means you're a pain in my ass, mate.

Mr. Bennet: It means that an old friend isn't quite as dead as we thought he was.

Peter : The people I love are not distractions!

Mohinder: [voiceover] To survive in this world, we hold close to us those people on whom we depend. We trust in them our hopes, our fears... But what happens when trust is lost? Where do we run, when things we believe in vanish before our eyes? When all seems lost, the future unknowable, our very existence in peril... All we can do is run.

Mohinder: (rings doorbell) Hello? Zane Taylor?

Sylar: Yes. You must be Dr. Suresh. Come on in. Can I get you some tea?

Mohinder: Sorry it took me so long to get here.

Sylar: No, it's no problem. Is Earl Grey okay?

Mohinder: Yes, that'll be fine. (Sylar moves to other room and begins to make tea.) You um, sounded rather alarmed on the phone. You semeed to have calmed down some.

Sylar: I had a kind of epiphany about it this morning. Are you familiar with Abraham Maslow, the peak experience?

Mohinder: No, I'm afraid not.

Sylar: It's, um.. a single moment that takes you out of yourself. Makes you feel very tiny, or very some extent one with life, or nature, or god.

Mohinder: ...I see.

Sylar: Like seeing all the pieces of a puzzle fit together. All this time I was trying to fight it. Deny it. But there is no shame in having this ability, is there?

Mohinder: None whatsoever. It would be like denying you have brown eyes.

Sylar: Right. So um, I guess that you- you want to see my ability.

Mohinder: Yes! I mean, I'm quite anxious to document it.

Sylar: (pulls out toaster.) You might want to step back, that looks like a nice jacket. (He places his hand over the appliance and melts the toaster)

Mohinder: My god.

Sylar: You want to see it again?

Mohinder: (chuckles and smiles nervously)

Mohinder: I'm very interested in how you control this ability.

Sylar: Well it's like... riding a bike for the first time. It's a little wobbly, and then I discovered something. A kind of peace. A sense of purpose that can only be described as destiny.

Mohinder: I'd like to take a DNA sample.

Sylar: From me, okay. Uh, sure.

Mohinder: (takes out a cotton swab and hands it to Sylar) Just swab it on the inside of your mouth. (tea starts whistling.)

Sylar: The tea. If you'll excuse me for a second?

Mohinder: Of course. (Sylar walks to the other room, where Zane Taylor is on the floor.)

Sylar: I just swab it on the inside of my cheek?

Mohinder: Yes, that's right. (Sylar swabs Zane's cheek as Mohinder walks toward the room they're in.)

Sylar: Here you go. The DNA sample. (hands Mohinder the swab.)

Mohinder: Thank you. You know.. you should be careful who you talk to about this ability, Zane. There's some people who might not undestand. Who might want to hurt you.

Sylar: Why would anybody want to hurt me?

Mohinder: I don't know yet. But I do know this, there are others out there like you.

Sylar: Really? How many others?

Mohinder: Dozens. And those are just the ones I know about. With more time and research I could find hundreds, thousands! But, uh... you're the first one who's returned my phone calls. But I am going to find them. All of them.

Sylar: I could go with you. I could help you. Think about it, these people could need convincing. Who better to do that?

Claude: Charles Darwin bred pigeons while he was working out his theory of evolution. Married up various permutations to get maximum potential.

Peter: What'd he mean by that? Maximum potential?

Claude: I think he meant you, friend.

Sylar: Uh, before we go in, I just wanted to say thanks.

Mohinder: For what?

Sylar: Well, you know, for bringing me with you. You didn't have to do that.

Mohinder: It would have been a long road alone. I'm glad for the company.

Sylar: I believe in fate, Mohinder, and karma. And I'm not just saying that 'cause you're Indian. I mean, you really came to my rescue. And I won't forget that.

Dale: Funny, I didn't hear your footsteps.

Sylar: That's because there weren't any.

Dale: That sound, in your heart. What is it?

Sylar: [smiling] Murder.

[While hitting Peter with a large stick]

Claude: Fly, [Hits him] stop time, [Hits him] paint me a pretty picture, [Hits him] do [Hits him] something [Hits him] unexpected!

[Peter uses telekinesis to hold the stick in mid-air]

[As Peter throws Claude over his shoulder]

Claude: What are you doing?

Peter: Something unexpected.

[Jumps off of the roof of the Deveaux Building and flies away]

Claude: And when you've left New York a smoking crater we'll put that on your tombstone. "Here lies Peter Petrelli. [lashes out with his stick] He tried!"

Ted: I'm not gonna nuke the dog!

Ted: No, that was Plan A. Plan B is much better!

Matt: There is no Plan B!

Mr. Bennet: I'm not who you think I am, I'm just a paper salesman.

Mr. Bennet: I'm comfortable with morally gray.

Mr. Bennet: People are fragile. Like teacups.

Mr. Bennet: I don't know what to do.

Thompson: Is that a new sensation for you Bennet?

Claire: You want me to play dead? I'm sorry, I'm not Mr. Muggles.

Mr. Bennet: Claire is not one of you.

Claude: Not yet, but one day maybe, and don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

Mr. Bennet: She isn't, I'll take her, it's done.

Claude: Oh just like that, father of the year you are.

Ted: [to Mr. Bennet] If you're not back in an hour, just look for the mushroom cloud.

Claire: I don't know what I am. I don't know if God made me this way or someone else.

Ted: God didn't make us this way.

Sandra: God makes us all the way we are.

Matt: This son of a bitch is thinking in Japanese!

Noah: My daughter is missing, so right now I don't care if you believe me or what you do to me. I just want her home, safe. You can kill me if you want, I'm gonna find her!

Claire: When can I go back to my family?

Haitian: Shall I lie to you and say it will be soon? You know who we run from.

Sylar: So this is the list?

Mohinder: Yes, what's left of it. Most of these people are missing or dead. I'm going to run your DNA sample against my father's formula. It will take you someplace safe.

Sylar: This is your father's formula? This is how he made this, this is how he found me.

Mohinder: Yes, although I haven't figured out what it is looking for. A specific gene? Codons? It's the proverbial needle.

Sylar: Did my DNA help?

Mohinder: No.

Sylar: Okay, well, Mohinder, you've been driving all night, why don't you just take a break?

Mohinder: I can't! These people are in danger. We have to warn them. If Sylar gets to them first-

Sylar: Exactly! So let me help. I mean, here. This one is in New York - Isaac Mendez. I'll call him, and you just relax. Just take a minute.

Mohinder: You're very kind. Thank you.

Sylar: ...You have no idea how alone I used to feel. How insignificant. You've given me hope.

Mohinder: Hope is great, we need caffeine.

Sylar: So this formula, if you figure it out, how many of us will you find?

Mohinder: Who knows? Hundreds, thousands, maybe more.

Sylar: (dials Isaac's number, receives busy signal.) It's busy. I'll get him later. (Mohinder hands Sylar a cup of tea, Sylar raises his glass.) To new friends. (They clink teacups in toast; only Sylar sips the drink.) This is good, what is it?

Mohinder: Chai. It's a special blend my father brought from India.

Sylar: Who're we going to call next?

Mohinder: No one. (Stands, faces Sylar) I already have you, Mr. Sylar.

(Sylar drops the glass and passes out.)

The Haitian:[to Claire] I do not need you happy, only safe.

Sylar: I can't feel my fingers.

Mohinder: It's the curare. It induces paralysis of the brain. Which means you can't control your abilities.

Sylar: Whoever you think I am, I'm not.

Mohinder: You are the man who murdered my father. Do you still expect me to believe you're Zane Taylor? Zane was killed three days ago. The same day I met you. And you thought you were so clever giving me his DNA. You're a parasite. You killed my father and fed off his work. (taps a tuning fork against the chair and holds it up to Sylar's ear.) Let me hear you say it, tell me your name. Say it. I want to hear you say it!

Sylar: (in pain) Sylar!

Mohinder: There's only one thing to do with a parasite. Kill it before it kills again.

Sylar: You're just like your father, murderers, the both of you.

Mohinder: I'm a scientist.

Sylar: (laughs.) Your father said that but he kept leading me to them.

Mohinder: He had no idea what you were.

Sylar: He knew. He might not have admitted it, but after all, we were making so much progress together. Why would he stop?

Mohinder: (Mohinder brings out a gun and points it at Sylar.) You know nothing about my father!

Sylar: I know everything. He confided in me. He told me things he felt he could never tell you. Things about your sister, Shanti. He thought you were too... what's the word - fragile - to know the truth. That's why he liked me. (Mohinder presses the gun against Sylar's forehead.) You were always seeking his approval while I provided stimulation. He gave up on you, but he adored me. Now who's the real parasite here?! (Mohinder's hand falls to his side.)

Mohinder: You're right. My father did want answers. He called you 'Patient Zero'. You're the template he used to create this formula. You're the key to unlocking his secret. As much as I'd like to, killing you will not give me what I need.

Sylar: So what are you gonna do?

Mohinder: I'm going to take a sample of your spinal fluid. (leans down and whispers in his ear.) And it's going to hurt. You might actually do some good before you die. (Mohinder inserts needle into Sylar's spine; Sylar screams.)

Linderman: There comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.

Nathan: I'd like to have both.

Linderman: Can't be done. Two very different paths. To be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present, no thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future.

Mohinder: I finally found it. That's it, these four simple genes, they answer everything. I can make a new list. I can find them, save them.

Sylar: And what about me? Don't I deserve to be saved? Aren't I just a victim, too? I didn't ask for this.

Mohinder: And what would you have me do?

Sylar: Help find a way. Give me salvation. Give me that damn list so I can sink my teeth in! (Mohinder walks over to him.) I'm a natural progression of the species. Evolution is a part of nature, and nature kills. Simple, right?

Mohinder: What you've done is not evolution, it's murder. (holds gun up and points it at Sylar.) What I am doing is revenge. Now I can fulfill my duty as a son. (Sylar closes his eyes, and a gunshot is heard. The bullet is stopped before Sylar's face, then drops to the floor.)

Sylar: I wasn't begging for my life. I was offering you yours. (Sylar's constraints rip off, and he stands.) You are your father's son. So determined you didn't even notice I stopped the IV. But don't worry, you might actually do some good before you die. Starting with that list.

(knock on door)

Peter: Suresh? (pause as he opens door, walks inside.) Suresh? It's Peter Petrelli. Mohinder? (Peter looks around as something drops on his head.)

Mohinder: (pinned against ceiling) Sylar.

Sylar: I remember you. (pins Peter against wall and holds him by the throat.) You're like me, aren't you? I'd like to see how that works.

[Linderman provides the opening monologue, interspersed with dialouge from previous episodes.]

Linderman: People think I collect art. What I really collect are lives fixed in paint. A perfect moment capturing an entire existence, made immortal. A monster's fight to survive, and live to kill again. A mother willing to fracture her own soul to protect her child. Youth's struggle for innocence, despite life's cruelty. The double-edged lies needed to sustain a double-edged life. A wandering hero's pure joy at success, and his darkest hour, when all the world seems lost. All perfect moments, frozen in time. Alone, each tells a single story. Together, they can tell the future.

Claire: Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Noah: Claire!

Claire: It's all my fault. I tried to do what you said... but they caught me. I'm so scared. (Noah pushes her away.) What is it?

Noah: You. You're not...

Claire: Not what?

Noah: Not you! (Claire's body morphs into Candice's form.)

Linderman: It was beautiful. And then some of my friends, they lost their way. They used their powers for personal gain and all the good that we'd done had amounted to nothing.

Linderman: People need hope, Nathan.

Linderman: This tragedy will be a catalyst for good.

Nathan: If you know all this, then you also know the exploding man is my brother.

Linderman: As I said, we all have our roles to play.

Candice: I could show him things that would make him tear his eyes out.

Noah: Maybe I'm exactly where I want to be.

Thompson: You're on death row.

Noah: If you wanted to kill me, you would have by now.

Thompson: I'm waiting for the order. That's what we do here. We follow orders.

Nathan: Japanese Feudalism. Renaissance. Rome. Mayan. Peruvian. 20th Century. You must bring all your first dates here. What do you do with all this stuff?

Linderman: I protect it. I shield it from a selfish and greedy world.

Linderman: When my day of judgment comes, Nathan, I'll be remembered as a humanitarian. I care about the world, I just want to save it. To heal it. And for that, I need you.

Nathan: What could you possibly know about healing? (Linderman looks over at a dead plant and heals it.)

Linderman: A few things.

Linderman: We all have our roles to play in the events to come. You know, this isn't just a collection of art. This is a road map. These artists envisioned a brighter future. Peace. Prosperity.

Linderman: I said people needed hope, but people trust fear.

Sylar: I remember you. You're like me, aren't you? I'd like to see how that works. (Sylar begins to open Peter's head.)

Peter: (begins screaming in pain, and then heals. Peter flings Sylar across the room against the wall, and Mohinder drops from the ceiling.)

Sylar: Oh no. I'm not done with him yet. (Peter turns invisible.) Interesting, I can't wait to try that one.

Messenger: So, what happens to Hiro in this one?

Isaac: Promise you won't post any spoilers?

Messenger: The future? How do you come up with this stuff?!

Isaac: It's a gift. Speaking of which... (hands messenger his sketchbook.)

Messenger: Your sketchbook? You serious!?

Isaac: Hold on to it. It might be worth something some day.

Messenger: Thank you!

Mohinder: Mrs. Petrelli?

Angela: Yes?

Mohinder: I'm so sorry. It's Peter.

Angela: What about him?

Mohinder: I found this address in his wallet and I didn't know where else to go. I couldn't leave him. He's dead. He was killed. Murdered. He tried to save my life... I was in over my head.

Angela: Get out of here.

Mohinder: I'm sorry.

Angela: Please leave. Now.

Noah: That went better than I expected.

Nathan: Ma?

Angela: Nathan.

Nathan: Where is he? (Nathan approaches Peter's dead body.)

Angela: He's gone, Nathan.

Nathan: (crying) No! Peter! He wasn't supposed to die this way. He wasn't supposed to die this way... What do we do?

Angela: We hide it.

Nathan: What?

Angela: 'Till after the election. The last thing he would've wanted was to bring you down with him.

[Peter examines the glass shard taken from his head.]

Peter: What do you do with something that killed you?

Nathan: You could put it underneath your pillow.

Peter: You saved my life.

Claire: Guess we're even now.

Matt: You're middle management!

Sylar: This is usually the part when people start screaming.

Isaac: I've seen enough of the future. I don't need to watch it happen.

[In studio, Isaac lays dying from Sylar's attack.]

Isaac Mendez: I finally get to be a hero...

Ando: What happened to Hiro? Who was that?

Future Hiro: Homeland Security.

Ando: The government?

Future Hiro: They're taking him to a special holding facility in midtown.

Ando: How do you know that?

Future Hiro: Because that's where they take all the terrorists.

Ando: Why would anyone think Hiro's a— You? A terrorist?

Future Hiro: After Sylar exploded, the world became a very dark place.

Hiro: [to Parkman] You are like me. Special. Why do you want to hurt other special people?

Ando: What happened to me? Where am I? Am I rich? Married?

Future Hiro: I can't tell you that.

Ando: Why not?

Future Hiro: Because ... [translated from Japanese] The whole time/space continuum ... might implode because you were impatient.

Future Nathan: Let's be honest. I can fly. I'm hardly dangerous.

Future Matt: [Examining the tased Future Hiro] We already caught you. Two Hiros. Son of a bitch! He really can travel through time.

Claire: Who are you to decide who's special and who's not?

Future Sylar [as Nathan]: I'm the leader of the free world. For all I know, I'm the most special person there is. Lord knows I've found enough power. Met a lot of special people. Like this girl named Candice, who allowed me to become president. But, I'm done. I just want to eliminate the competition. I don't need anymore power. Especially not after you.

[Claire turns to run but is telekenetically frozen in place. Nathan raises his finger and starts to slice Claire's head open]

Claire: [whispering] Sylar.

[Nathan shapeshifts revealing himself to be Sylar]

Sylar: I've waited a long time for this.

Ando: You've always wanted to become a Kendo master.

Future Hiro: I studied in Tohoku. So, technically, I'm a Battojutsu master.

Ando: [in Japanese] Why do you always have to correct me?

Future Hiro: [in Japanese] Because, there's a difference.

Ando: What difference? You're still a hero. You became everything you wanted to be. And I- - I became dead.

Future Hiro: Peter told you?

Ando: [examining Hiro's sword] Looks like you've seen a lot of battles.

Future Hiro: More than I like to remember.

Ando: How was it?

Future Hiro: Not nearly as fun...without you.

Future Hiro: You.

Hiro: Me?

Future Hiro: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here. None of this is supposed to be here.

Hiro: It was an accident. We time traveled.

Ando: What happened to the city?

Future Hiro: The bomb. The bomb still happened. It was all supposed to change. Five years ago a man named Sylar exploded, changing the world forever.

Hiro: I look upset.

Ando: Go. Talk to yourself.

Hiro: No way... I scare me. You do it.

Matt: I used to be that guy. Wishing it and making it happen are two different things.

Mohinder: Not for Nakamura.

Ando: Is everything alright?

Future Peter: No, let's go fix it.

Future Hiro: Should we freeze time?

Future Peter: Nah, I havent had a good fight in years.

Nathan: Brother versus brother. It's almost biblical.

Peter: My brother can't walk through walls. Who are you?

Sylar: (morphs to Sylar's form.) An old friend. The guy they blamed for blowing up New York, but we know the real story, don't we Pete?

Peter: You're gonna pay for what you did to Nathan. What you did in his name!

Sylar: What I did? (activates his ice ability) When I killed Nathan he'd already turned against his own kind.

Peter: Liar! (Peter activates his fire ability and the two charge at eachother)

Hiro: Now the hard part...

Ando: Why are you smiling?

Hiro: It's exciting! This is our chance to change the future.

Ando: But how? How will we know what to do?

Hiro: I have Mr. Isaac's comic book. It's not finished. It only has the pictures, not the words.

Ando: We could be talking about anything.

Hiro: Let's go ask Mr. Isaac. He'll know what we say. (yelled, in English) Don't worry New York! We will save you!

[over the phone]

Mohinder: Hello?

Sylar: Mohinder. It's me. I need your help.

Mohinder: Sylar?

Sylar: I think I'm gonna do something bad.

Mohinder: You're a murderer. You don't get the luxury of regret.

Sylar: You don't understand. I think I'm gonna kill a lot more people. a lot more. I understood it before, the killing. To take what others didn't deserve. It was natural selection. But this time its different.

Mohinder: What are you talking about?

Sylar: An apocalypse. A massacre. Half the city gone in an instant...They mean nothing...They're innocent. There's no gain, so why would I do it? What possible reason could I have for killing so many?

Mohinder: [dialing on another phone] Wait. Listen. You don't have to - If you are truly repentant about what you've done. Turn youself in.

Sylar: I can hear you dialing 9-1-1. It was a mistake to call.

Mohinder: No. Wait. Sylar? Sylar!

[Sylar hangs up the phone]

Thompson: So, have you thought about my offer? Are you ready to come work for us?

Mohinder: As far as I can tell, you're all a bunch of untrustworthy gunders.

Sylar: That clock's broken.

Virginia Gray: Oh, that old thing. I should've thrown it away years ago.

Sylar: It was Dad's.

Virginia Gray: It's junk.

Sylar: It's a beautiful piece. It just needs a little attention.

Virginia Gray: I can't tell you how proud I am.

Sylar: I haven't done anything.

Virginia Gray: You've traveled the world. Some of us only get to see it in snow globes.

Sylar: I fix watches.

Virginia Gray: That's a hobby. Investment banking is a very lucrative field.

Sylar: I can't be an investment banker.

Virginia Gray: You could be anything you want.

Sylar: Mom, he wouldn't even remember who I am.

Virginia Gray: Who could forget you?

Sylar: Mom, you're not even listening to me!

Virginia Gray: I am listening.

Sylar: No...you're making a tuna sandwich.

Virginia Gray: So?

Sylar: I asked you not to.

Virginia Gray: I made a mistake. I'm sorry.

Sylar: Mom - mom, don't. It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That's okay, to just be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?

Virginia Gray: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more? If you wanted, you could be president.

Sylar: What if I told you I can be special? Important. But to do that I have to hurt a lot of people. Should I?

Virginia Gray: You? You could never hurt anyone.

Sylar: There's a lot of things I can do you don't know about. I have something to show you. (sprays water into the air.)

Virginia Gray: What are you doing?! (Sylar moves his hand over the water and turns it into snow.)

Sylar: I know how much you love snow globes.

Virginia Gray: How did you - Gabriel? Gabriel! (snow globes start spinning with the snow and one hits his mother in the cheek.)

[Hiro and Ando watching Sylar and his mother.]

Hiro: He's so sad.

Ando: He's distracted. Go on, do it!

Hiro: I can't kill a man who is asking for forgiveness. It's not in the Bushido code. Everyone deserves a second chance.

[outside his mother's room, banging on the door.]

Sylar: Please. I'm sorry I scared you, just come out. Mom, I saw a vision of the future and I'm gonna kill a lot of people. Tell me why I would do that. Mom. Mom!

Hiro: Future Hiro killed so much, he forgot it should be hard.

Virginia Gray: I'm leaving. And when I get back I expect you to be gone.

Sylar: Don't say that, mom. It's me, it's Gabriel.

Virginia Gray: You're not Gabriel. You're damned. And I want you out of my house. (Sylar reaches forward and takes hold of his mother's wrist.) Let go! Get away from me! Get away!

Sylar: Calm down!

Virginia Gray: (she tries to pull away.) I want my son! What did you do with my son!? Give me back my boy.

Sylar: Mom, it's me, it's me, please, stop it! (his mother picks up a pair of scissors.)

Virginia Gray: You're not Gabriel! You're not, you're not! (There's a struggle, then Sylar backs away from his mother. Scene reveals he has accidentally stabbed her in the chest with the scissors.)

Sylar: I understood it before, the killing. I had a reason — to take what others didn't deserve. It was natural selection.

Hiro: I understand, Father. To save what is most important... I must be strong enough... to cut out my heart.

Jessica: [to Matt] Didn't I throw you through a window?

Thompson: [while pointing a gun at Matt's head] What am I thinking now, Parkman?

Noah: Your last thought. [shoots Thompson]

Jessica: He's right, D.L.. I want to take the money. I really do. I would even kill you for it. But Niki wouldn't.

Sylar: Boom...

Mohinder: [Voiceover] Where does it come from? This quest? This need to solve lifes mysteries when the simpliest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we would be better off not looking at all. Not delving. Not yearning. But that's not human nature. Not the human heart. That is not why we are here. Yet still we struggle to make a difference. To change the world. To dream of hope. Never knowing for certain who we'll meet along the way. Who, among the world of strangers, will hold our hand. Touch our hearts. And share the pain of trying.

Claire: Tell me you have a plan, dad.

Noah: I have a plan. I love you, Claire.

Claire: I love you too.

[Ando walks into Isaac's apartment and stops to look at a painting. Steps in a pool of blood, turns around, and Sylar pins him against the wall.]

Sylar: Hmm, looks like you dropped something. [Sylar picks up a Ninth Wonder cartoon.] A comic book that predicts the future. What will they think of next? [Sylar turns to page showing Hiro stabbing him.] You're kidding. This is how Isaac thought I'd die? Stabbed by a silly little man?

Ando: Hiro is not silly!

Sylar: You should've seen the look on his face when he tried to kill me.

Ando: You cannot take my brain.

Sylar: Please. What would I want with your brain?

Claire: The future is not written in stone!

Nathan: I'm afraid this one is.

[Having teleported to their Japanese office, Hiro hands Ando the Kensei sword.]

Hiro: It is not the sword. It is the man.

[Ando stops Hiro just as he's about to teleport back to New York to face Sylar.]

Ando: You look bad ass.

Hiro: [smiling] Really?

Sylar: Haven't I killed you before?

Peter: Didn't take.

Sylar: [chuckles] You think I'm gonna let you ruin it all? Take all the glory? [Parkman shoots at Sylar, but he stops the bullets and reflects them back.] Did you really think you could stop me?

Sylar: Turns out you're the villain, Peter. I'm the hero.

Hiro: [teleported in with sword] Sylar!

Sylar: You!

[Hiro runs forward and stabs Sylar in the left lung.]

Hiro: Yatta. (Note: Throughout the series, Hiro says "yatta," which means "I did it" in Japanese)

Claire: Please tell me there's another way.

Peter: There is no other way.

(Nathan suddenly flies in and lands between Claire and Peter)

Nathan: Yes there is, Claire. The future's not written in stone.

Peter: I took his power Nathan, I can't control it.

Nathan: I'm not leaving you Peter. There's another way to end this, and you know it.

Peter: I can't let you die.

Nathan: And I can't let everyone else...

Nathan: You saved the cheerleader, so we could save the world.

[Cut to Kirby Plaza in the aftermath of the confrontation, as Molly watches Parkman moved to an ambulance.]

Mohinder: [voiceover] We dream of hope,we dream of change,of fire,of love,of death,and then it happens,the dream becomes real. And the answer to the quest,this need to solve life's mysteries finally shows itself,like the glowing light of the new dawn. So much struggle, for meaning, for purpose, but in the end we find it only in each other. Our shared experiences of the fantastic, and the mundane. The simple, human need to find the kindred, to connect, and to know in our hearts that we are not alone.


	25. Chapter 25 Game of the DEAD

My name is Oliver Queen. After five years on a hellish island, I have come home with only one goal: To save my city. But to do so, I can't be the killer I once was. To honor my friend's memory, I must be someone else. I must be something else.

[Eddard Stark has beheaded Will as a deserter of the Night's Watch]

Eddard Stark: You understand why I did it?

Bran Stark: Jon said he was a deserter.

Eddard Stark: But you understand why I had to kill him.

Bran Stark: Our way is the old way.

Eddard Stark: The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.

Bran Stark: Is it true he saw the White Walkers?

Eddard Stark: The White Walkers have been gone for thousands of years.

Bran Stark: So he was lying?

Eddard Stark: A madman sees what he sees.

Jon Snow: [Stares down at a mangled deer carcass lying across a bridge.] What is it?

Theon Greyjoy: Mountain lion?

Eddard Stark: There are no mountain lions in these woods.

[The Starks, the Cassels and Theon walk down a path near the riverbank, where they find the body of a female direwolf with a broken antler lodged in her throat; five direwolf pups are huddled close to her]

Theon Greyjoy: It's a freak!

Eddard Stark: It's a direwolf. Tough old beast.

Robb Stark: There are no direwolves south of the Wall.

Jon Snow: Now there are five. [To Bran] You want to hold it?

[Bran takes the pup immediately and wraps it in his cloak.]

Brandon Stark: Where will they go?

Rodrik Cassel: They don't belong down here.

Eddard Stark: Better a quick death. They won't last, without their mother.

Theon Greyjoy: [Draws his dagger, grabs the pup from Bran.] Right, give it here!

Brandon Stark: No!

Robb Stark: Put away your blade!

Theon Greyjoy: I take orders from your father, not you.

Brandon Stark: Please, Father!

Eddard Stark: I'm sorry, Bran.

Jon Snow: Lord Stark? There are five pups, one for each of the Stark children. The direwolf is the sigil of your House. They were meant to have them.

Eddard Stark: You will train them yourselves, you will feed them yourselves, and if they die, you will bury them yourselves.

[Bran smiles, Theon hands the pup back to Bran and sheathes his dagger as the party moves back towards the road; Robb and Theon pick up the other four pups.]

Brandon Stark: What about you?

Jon Snow: I'm not a Stark. Get on.

[As Jon is heading towards the road, he notices something at the base of a tree and heads towards it.]

Robb Stark: What is it?

[Jon straightens up, holding a sixth direwolf pup, an albino.]

Theon Greyjoy: Ah, the runt of the litter! That one's yours, Snow.

[Jon glares at him.]

Eddard Stark: Your Grace.

Robert Baratheon: You got fat. [Eddard raises his eyebrows and nods at Robert's massive belly; they both burst out laughing and hug.] Cat! [Hugs and kisses Catelyn.]

Catelyn Stark: Your Grace.

[Robert steps back, tousles Rickon's hair and walks back over to Ned.]

Robert Baratheon: Nine years! Why have I not seen you? Where the hell have you been?

Eddard Stark: Guarding the North for you, Your Grace. Winterfell is yours.

[Queen Cersei steps out of the carriage after her children, with a distasteful look on her face.]

Arya Stark: [To Sansa] Where's the Imp?

Sansa Stark: Will you shut up?!

Robert Baratheon: [to Robb] And who have we here? You must be Robb. [to Sansa]My, you're a pretty one. [Sansa smiles] [to Arya] And your name is?...

Arya Stark: Arya.

Robert Baratheon: [To Bran] Ohhh, show us your muscles. [Bran does so.] You'll be a soldier!

[[Robert chuckles and moves back towards Ned. Behind him, Jaime Lanniser removes his helmet.]

Arya Stark: That's Jaime Lannister, the Queen's twin brother.

Sansa Stark: Would you please shut up! (

[Cersei walks up to Ned and offers her hand; after a moment, Eddard kisses it.]

Eddard Stark: My Queen.

Catelyn Stark: My Queen.

Robert Baratheon: Take me to your crypt, I want to pay my respects.

Cersei Lannister: We've been riding for a month, my love. Surely, the dead can wait.

Robert Baratheon: [Ignores Cersei] Ned. [Turns towards the crypts, followed hesitantly by Ned.]

Arya Stark: [To Jon Snow] Where's the Imp? [Cersei overhears her and goes back over to Jaime.]

Cersei Lannister: Where is our brother? Go and find the little beast!

Jon Snow: You're Tyrion Lannister? The Queen's brother?

Tyrion Lannister: My greatest accomplishment. And you, you're Ned Stark's bastard, aren't you?

[Jon walks away]

Tyrion Lannister: Did I offend you? Sorry. You are the bastard, though.

Jon Snow: Lord Eddard Stark is my father.

Tyrion Lannister: And Lady Stark is not your mother, making you … the bastard. Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.

Jon Snow: What the hell do you know about being a bastard?

Tyrion Lannister: All dwarfs are bastards in their father's eyes.

[Bran has just caught Queen Cersei having sex with her brother]

Cersei Lannister: He saw us!

Jaime Lannister: [to Bran] It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

Cersei Lannister: He saw us!

Jaime Lannister: [to Cersei] I heard you the first time. [to Bran] Quite the little climber, aren't you? How old are you, boy?

Bran Stark: Ten.

Jaime Lannister: Ten? [pause] The things I do for love. [pushes Bran out of the window]

Tyrion Lannister:(to a servant girl) Bread, and two of those little fish. And a mug of dark beer to wash it down and bacon, burned black. (grunts theatrically as he shifts his nephew Tommen over on the bench; Tommen giggles)

Jaime Lannister: (smiles) Little brother.

Tyrion Lannister: Beloved siblings! (grins at both of them; Cersei gives him a VERY wan smile)

Myrcella Baratheon: Is Bran going to die?

Tyrion Lannister: Apparently not. (Myrcella smiles, Cersei suddenly looks shocked and worried)

Cersei: What do you mean?

Tyrion Lannister: The Maester says the boy may live. (Cersei and Jaime both look at each other; Tyrion watches their reactions)

Cersei Lannister: It's no mercy, letting a child linger in such pain.

Tyrion Lannister: Only the Gods know for certain. All the rest of us can do is pray. (pause) The charms of the North seem entirely lost on you.

Cersei Lannister: I still can't believe you're going. It's ridiculous, even for you.

Tyrion Lannister: Where's your sense of wonder?! The greatest structure ever built- the intrepid men of the Night's Watch- the wintery abode of the White Walkers! (pretends to scare Tommen, who laughs)

Jaime Lannister: Tell me you're not thinking of taking the Black.

Tyrion Lannister: (scoffs) And go celibate? The whores would go begging from Dorne to Casterly Rock! (Jaime grins) No- I just want to stand on top of the Wall and piss off the edge of the world! (Tommen giggles again, Myrcella smiles)

Cersei Lannister: The children don't need to hear your filth. (Tyrion smiles at her impudently) Come. (she leads Myrcella and Tommen out of the room)

Jaime Lannister: Even if the boy lives, he'll be a cripple- a grotesque. Give me a good, clean death any day.

Tyrion Lannister: Speaking for the grotesques, I'd have to disagree. Death is so final, whereas life, ahh- Life is full of possibilities. I hope the boy does wake- I'd be interested to hear what he has to say. (Jaime glances at him)

Jaime Lannister: (half-teasing, half-serious) My dear brother, at times you make me wonder whose side you're on.

Tyrion Lannister: (deadpan) My dear brother, you wound me- you know how much I love my family.

Joffrey Baratheon: We ride for King's Landing today.

Tyrion Lannister: Before you go, you will call on Lord and Lady Stark and offer your sympathies.

Joffrey Baratheon: What good will my sympathies do them?

Tyrion Lannister: None, but it is expected of you. Your absence has already been noted.

Joffrey Baratheon: The boy means nothing to me, and I can't stand the wailing of women.

Tyrion Lannister: [slaps Joffrey] One word and I hit you again.

Joffrey Baratheon: I'm telling mother!

Tyrion Lannister: [slaps Joffrey] Go, tell her! But first you will get to Lord and Lady Stark. And you will fall on your knees in front of them and tell them how very sorry you are, that you are at their service and that all your prayers are with them. Do you understand?

Joffrey Baratheon: You can't –

Tyrion Lannister: [slaps Joffrey] Do you understand?

[Joffery scurries away]

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane: The Prince will remember that, little Lord.

Tyrion Lannister: I hope so. If he forgets, be a good dog and remind him.

Jon Snow: All the best swords have names, you know. (Arya jumps up and hugs him)

Arya Stark: Sansa can keep her sewing needles. I've got a Needle of my own.

[On the Kingsroad, Robert has set up a small table where Ned is seated.]

Robert Baratheon: [returning to the table] Gods, this is country! I've half a mind to leave them all behind and keep moving.

Eddard Stark: I've half a mind to go with you.

Robert Baratheon: What do you say, just you and me on the Kingsroad, swords at our sides, a couple of tavern wenches to warm our beds tonight?

Eddard Stark: If you'd asked me twenty years ago.

Robert Baratheon: There were wars to fight, women to marry...we never had the chance to be young.

Eddard Stark: [scratches his chin] I recall a few chances.

Robert Baratheon: [bursts out laughing] There was that one...oh, what was her name? That common girl of yours? Becca, with the great big tits you could bury your face in?

Eddard Stark: Bessie. She was one of yours.

Robert Baratheon: Bessie! Thank the gods for Bessie and her tits! [both men chuckle] Yours was, uh...Aleena? No, you told me once. Uh...Meryl? Your bastard's mother.

Eddard Stark: [smile fades] Wylla.

Robert Baratheon: That's it. She must have been a rare wench to make Lord Eddard Stark forget his honor. You never told me what she looked like.

Eddard Stark: [looks away ruefully] Nor will I.

Robert Baratheon: [sympathetic] We were at war. None of us knew if we were gonna go back home again. You're too hard on yourself. You always have been. I swear, if I weren't your king, you'd have hit me already.

Eddard Stark: The worst thing about your coronation- I'll never get to hit you again.

Robert Baratheon: Trust me, that's not the worst thing. [pulls out a folded slip of paper from his coat] There was a rider in the night.

Eddard Stark: [opens the note and reads it] Daenerys Targaryen has wed some Dothraki horselord. What of it? Should we send her a wedding gift?

Robert Baratheon: A knife, perhaps. A good, sharp one, and a bold man to wield it.

Eddard Stark: She's little more than a child.

Robert Baratheon: Soon enough, that child will spread her legs and start breeding.

Eddard Stark: Tell me we're not speaking of this.

Robert Baratheon: [angry] Oh, it's unspeakable to you? What her father did to your family, that was unspeakable! What Rhaegar Targaryen did to your sister, the woman I loved! I'll kill every Targaryen I get my hands on!

Eddard Stark: But you can't get your hands on this one, can you?

Robert Baratheon: This Khal Drogo - it's said he has a hundred thousand men in his horde.

Eddard Stark: Even a million Dothraki are no threat to the realm, as long as they remain on the other side of the Narrow Sea. They have no ships, Robert!

Robert Baratheon: There are still those in the Seven Kingdoms who call me 'Usurper'. If a Targaryen boy crosses with a Dothraki horde at his back, the scum will join him!

Eddard Stark: He will not cross! And if by chance he does, we'll throw him back into the sea! [pause]

Robert Baratheon: [ominously] There's a war coming, Ned. I don't know when, I don't know who we'll be fighting...but it's coming.

[Tyrion and Jon Snow watch as several captured criminals are brought in by the band of Watchmen and fed]

Tyrion Lannister: Ah, rapers. They were given a choice, no doubt: castration, or the Wall. Most choose the knife. (Smiles when Jon looks away from them) Not impressed with your new brothers? (Jon looks at him, then at the fire) Lovely thing about the Watch. You discard your old family and get a whole new one. (goes back to the book he was reading)

Jon Snow:...Why d'you read so much?

Tyrion Lannister:(doesn't look up) Look at me and tell me what you see.

Jon Snow: ...Is this a trick?

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles) What you see is a dwarf. (looks up at Jon) If I had been born a peasant, they might've left me out in the woods to die. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock. Things are expected of me. My father was the Hand of the King for twenty years-

Jon Snow: Until your brother killed that King.

Tyrion Lannister: (long pause, smiles thinly) Yes. Until my brother killed him. (pause) Life is full of these little ironies. My sister married the new King, and my repulsive nephew will be King after him. I must do my part, for the honor of my House- wouldn't you agree? (Jon stares at him) But how? Well- my brother has his sword, and I have my mind- and a mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone. That's why I read so much, Jon Snow. (looks back at his book) And you? What's your story, bastard?

Jon Snow: Ask me nicely, and maybe I'll tell you, dwarf.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles, looks up at Jon again) A bastard boy with nothing to inherit, off to join the ancient Order of the Night's Watch (glances at the captured rapers) Alongside his valiant brothers-in-arms.

Jon Snow: (offended) The Night's Watch protects the Realm from-

Tyrion Lannister: Ah, yes, yes (chuckles) against grumpkins and snarks, and all the other monsters your wet-nurse warned you about! You're a smart boy, you don't believe all that nonsense.

Viserys Targaryen: (rides up to a startled Daenerys, brandishing his scimitar) YOU DARE?! You give commands to me!? to me?! (jumps off his horse and storms up to Dany, grabbing her chin roughly) You do not command the Dragon! I'm Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. I don't take orders from savages, or their sluts. (holds his sword near her throat) Do you hear me?! (Rakharo lashes a whip around Viserys' neck and jerks him backwards to the ground, choking. Rakharro asks Daenerys a question in Dothraki)

Irri: Rakharro asks if you want him dead, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: No!(Rakharro says something else in Dothraki, smirking at Viserys, who is choking and clawing to get the noose off his neck)

Irri: (gives Viserys a look of disgust) Rakharro says you should take ear, to teach respect.

Daenerys Targaryen: Please! Please, don't hurt him.(glances at Ser Jorah, who gives her a meaningful look) Tell him I don't want my brother harmed. (Irri translates to Rakharro, shrugging when he looks surprised; he removes the whip from Viserys' neck)

Viserys Targaryen: (literally sputtering with rage) Mormont! Kill these Dothraki dogs! (Jorah looks at Rakharro, and they smile approvingly at each other; Viserys scrambles to his feet) I AM YOUR KING!

Jorah Mormont: Shall we return to the khalasar, Khaleesi? (Dany pauses, then allows Irri to help her onto her horse; they and Ser Jorah ride away. Viserys tries to mount his horse but is stopped by Rakharro, who is holding the reins)

Rakharro:(shakes his head) Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.(gestures mockingly) You...walk.

Jaime Lannister: Um, what's the line? The King shits and the Hand wipes.

Eddard Stark': Very handsome armor. Not a scratch on it.

Jaime Lannister: I know. People have been swinging at me for years, but they always seem to miss.

Eddard Stark: You've chosen your opponents wisely then.

Jaime Lannister: It must be strange for you, coming into this room. I was standing right here when it happened. He was very brave, your brother. Your father too. They didn't deserve to die like that; nobody deserves to die like that.

Eddard Stark: But you just stood there and watched.

Jaime Lannister: Five hundred men just stood there and watched. All the great knights of the Seven Kingdoms, you think anyone said a word, lifted a finger? No, Lord Stark. Five hundred men and this room was silent as a crypt...except for the screams, of course, and the Mad King laughing. And later, when I watched the Mad King die, I remembered him laughing as your father burned...it felt like justice.

Eddark Stark: [disdainful] Is that what you tell yourself at night? You're a servant of justice? That you were avenging my father when you shoved your sword in Aerys Targaryen's back?

Jaime Lannister: Tell me, if I'd stabbed the Mad King in the belly instead of the back, would you admire me more?

Eddark Stark: You served him well. When serving was safe.

Varys: Lord Stark! (comes up to Ned and clasps his hand)

Eddard Stark: Lord Varys.

Varys: I was grievously sorry to hear of your troubles on the Kingsroad- we were all praying for Prince Joffrey's full recovery.

Eddard Stark: It's a shame you didn't say a prayer for the butcher's son. (Varys' smile slips a notch, Ned walks around him and hugs Renly) Renly! You're looking well.

Renly Baratheon: And you look tired from the road! I told them this meeting could wait another day, but-

Petyr"Littlefinger" Baelish": But we have a kingdom to look after. (he and Ned size one another up) I've wanted to meet you for some time, Lord Stark- no doubt Lady Catelyn has mentioned me?

Eddard Stark: She has, Lord Baelish- I understand you knew my brother Brandon, as well?

Petyr Baelish: (smiles thinly) All too well- I still carry a token of his esteem. (gestures at his torso) From navel to collarbone.

Eddard Stark: (smirks) Perhaps you chose the wrong man to duel with-

Petyr Baelish: But it wasn't the man I chose, my Lord, it was Catelyn Tully (Ned's smile vanishes) A woman worth fighting for, I'm sure you'd agree?

Grand Maester Pycelle: I...humbly beg your pardon, my Lord Stark-

Eddard Stark: (smiles) Grandmaester.

Grand Maester Pycelle: (nods) How many years has it been? You were a young man!

Eddard Stark: And you served another King. (awkward pause)

Grand Maester Pycelle: Oh! How forgetful of me. (reaches into the pocket of his robe and pulls out the badge of the Hand, gives it to Eddard) This belongs to you now! Should we begin?

Eddard Stark: (looks around them in surprise as they all sit down) Without the King?

Renly Baratheon: Winter may be coming, but I'm afraid the same cannot be said of my brother.

Varys: His Grace has many cares- he entrusts some small matters to us, that we might lighten the load.

Petyr Baelish: (smiles) We are the Lords of small matters, here.

Renly Baratheon: (passes a scroll to Ned) My brother instructs us to stage a tournament, in honor of Lord Stark's appointment as Hand of the King.

Petyr Baelish: How much?

Eddard Stark: (reading the scroll) Forty thousand gold dragons to the champion, twenty thousand for the runner-up, twenty thousand for the winning archer.

Grand Maester Pycelle: (frowns) Can the treasury bear such expense?

Petyr Baelish: I'll have to borrow- but the Lannisters will accommodate, I expect. We already owe Lord Tywin three million gold. What's another 80,000?

Eddard Stark: (shocked) Are you telling me the crown is three million in debt?

Petyr Baelish: I'm telling you the crown is six million in debt.

Eddard Stark: How could you let this happen?!

Petyr Baelish: The Master of Coin finds the money, the King and the Hand spend it.

Eddard Stark: I will not believe Jon Arryn allowed Robert to bankrupt the Realm.

Grand Master Pycelle: Lord Arryn gave wise and prudent advice. But I fear His Grace doesn't always listen.

Renly Baratheon: Counting coppers, he calls it.

Eddard Stark: I'll speak to him tomorrow. This tournament is an extravagance we cannot afford!

Petyr Baelish: As you will; but still, we'd best make our plans-

Eddard Stark: There will be no plans until I speak to Robert! (awkward pause, Ned puts his head in his hands) Forgive me, my Lords, I'm- I had a long ride.

Varys: (patiently) You are the King's Hand, Lord Stark- we serve at your pleasure.

Maester Aemon: How many winters have you seen, Lord Tyrion?

Tyrion Lannister: Eight, no, nine.

Maester Aemon: All of them brief?

Tyrion Lannister: They say the winter of my birth was three years long, Maester Aemon.

Maester Aemon: This summer has lasted nine, but already reports from the Citadel tell us the days grow shorter. The Starks are always right eventually - winter is coming. This one will be long, and dark things will come with it.

Commander Mormont: We've been capturing wildlings, more every month. They're fleeing south; the ones who flee say they've seen the White Walkers.

Tyrion Lannister: [dismissive] Yes and the fishermen of Lannisport say they see mermaids.

Commander Mormont: One of our own rangers swore he saw them kill his companions. He swore it...right up to the moment Ned Stark chopped his head off!

Maester Aemon: The Night's Watch is the only thing standing between the realm and what lies beyond, and it has become an army of undisciplined boys and tired old men. There are less than a thousand of us now; we can't man the other castles on the Wall. We can't properly patrol the wilderness. We've barely enough resources to keep our own lads armed and fed.

Commander Mormont: Your sister sits by the side of the King. Tell her we need help.

Maester Aemon: And when winter does come...gods help us all if we're not ready!

Tyrion Lannister: I must say, I received a slightly warmer welcome on my last visit.

Robb Stark: Any man of the Night's Watch is welcome at Winterfell- (Yoren nods)

Tyrion Lannister: Any man of the Night's Watch but not I, eh, boy?

Robb Stark: (coldly) I'm not your boy, Lannister- I'm Lord of Winterfell, while my father is away.

Tyrion Lannister: Then you might learn a Lord's courtesy. (the door behind them opens, and Hodor carries Bran into the room) So it's true...Hello, Bran. Do you remember anything about what happened?

Maester Luwin: He has no memory of that day.

Tyrion Lannister: Curious...

Robb Stark: Why are you here?

Tyrion Lannister: (to Bran)...Would your charming companion be so good as to kneel? My neck is beginning to hurt.

Brandon Stark: Kneel, Hodor. (Hodor kneels until Bran and Tyrion are at eye level.

Tyrion Lannister: Do you like to ride, Bran?

Brandon Stark: Yes. Well, I mean, I did like to.

Maester Luwin: The boy has lost the use of his legs.

Tyrion Lannister: What of it? With the right horse and saddle, even a cripple can ride.

Bran Stark: I'm not a cripple.

Tyrion Lannister: Then I'm not a dwarf! My father will rejoice to hear it. I have a gift for you. (hands Bran a scroll) Give that to your saddler- he'll provide the rest. (Bran unrolls the scroll, Tyrion turns to Robb and Maester Luwin) You must shape the horse to the rider- start with a yearling, and teach it to respond to the reins, and to the boy's voice.

Brandon Stark: ...Will I really be able to ride?

Tyrion Lannister: You will. On horseback, you'll be as tall as any of them. (Bran smiles)

Robb Stark: Is this some kind of trick? Why do you want to help him?

Tyrion Lannister: I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things. (He and Bran smile slightly at each other)

Robb Stark: You've done my brother a kindness. The hospitality of Winterfell is yours-

Tyrion Lannister: Spare me your false courtesies, Lord Stark. There's a brothel outside your walls; there, I'll find a bed- and both of us can sleep easier.

Theon Greyjoy: (notices Tyrion preparing to ride to the brothel and smirks) Couldn't resist some Northern ass? (Tyrion looks at him) If you like redheads, ask for Ros. (Doesn't realize Tyrion slept with her on his previous visit)

Tyrion Lannister: Come to see me off, Greyjoy? Kind of you. Your master doesn't seem to like Lannisters.

Theon Greyjoy: (irritated) He's not my master.

Tyrion Lannister: No- of course not. What happened here? Where is Lady Stark- why didn't she receive me?

Theon Greyjoy: She...wasn't feeling well.

Tyrion Lannister: She's not in Winterfell, is she? Where did she go?

Theon Greyjoy: Milady's whereabouts are-

Tyrion Lannister: Milady? (chuckles) Your loyalty to your captors is touching.(Theon looks away angrily) Tell me, how do you think Balon Greyjoy would feel if he could see that his only surviving son has turned lackey? (pause) I still remember watching my father's fleet burning in Lannisport. I believe your uncles were responsible.

Theon Greyjoy: (smirks) Must've been a pretty sight.

Tyrion Lannister: Nothing prettier than watching sailors burn alive. Yes- great victory for your people. Shame how it all turned out.

Theon Greyjoy: We were outnumbered ten to one-

Tyrion Lannister: A stupid rebellion, then. I suppose your father realized that when your brothers died in battle. (Theon looks furious, but has no response) And now, here you are- your enemy's squire (smirks)

Theon Greyjoy: Careful, Imp-

Tyrion Lannister: I've offended you? (rolls his eyes) Forgive me- it's been a rough morning. Anyway, don't despair- I'm a constant disappointment to my own father, and I have learned to live with it. (tosses Theon a gold coin) Your next tumble with Ros is on me- I'll try not to wear her out.

Alliser Thorne: (mockingly to Sam and Jon) You look cold, both of you.

Samwell Tarly: It is a bit nippy-

Alliser Thorne: "A bit nippy?" Yeah, by the fire, indoors. It's still summer- do you boys even remember the last winter? (pause) How long has it been now- what, ten years?

Jon Snow:...I remember.

Alliser Thorne: (mockingly) Was it uncomfortable at Winterfell? Were there days when you just couldn't get warm, no matter how many fires your servants built?

Jon Snow: (angrily) I build my own fires-

Alliser Thorne: (sneering) That's admirable. (pause) I spent six months out there, beyond the Wall, during the last winter (Sam stares at him, Thorne smiles grimly) Supposed to be a two-week mission- we heard a rumor Mance Rayder was planning to attack Eastwatch, so we went out to look for some of his men. Capture them, gather some knowledge. The Wildlings who fight for Mance Rayder are hard men- harder than you'll ever be. They know their country better than we do- they knew there was a storm coming in. So, they hid in their caves and waited for it to pass- and we got caught in the open. (grimly) Winds so strong, they'd yank hundred-foot trees straight from the ground, roots and all. If you took your gloves off to find your cock to have a piss, you lost a finger to the frost. And- all in darkness. (pause, scornfully) You don't know cold. Neither of you do. (pause) The horses died first. Didn't have enough to feed them, keep them warm. Eatin' the horses was easy... but later, when- when we started to fall... (shakes his head) That wasn't easy. We should've had a couple of boys like you along, shouldn't we? (walks around them, comes menacingly close to Sam) Soft, fat boys like you. We'd have lasted a fortnight on you, and still had bones left over for soup. (Sam starts hyperventilating in fear, Jon glares at Thorne) Soon, we'll have new recruits. (walks back around them) And you lot will be passed along to the Lord Commander for assignment. And, they will call you "Men of the Night's Watch"- but you'd be fools to believe it. You're boys, still- and come the winter, you'll die... like flies.

Jon Snow: You can't fight. You can't see. You're afraid of heights and almost everything else, probably. What are you doing here, Sam?

Samwell Tarly: On the morning of my eighteenth nameday, my father came to me. You're almost a man now, he said, but you're not worthy of my land and title. Tomorrow you're going to take the black, forsake all claims to your inheritance and start north. If you do not, he said, then we will have a hunt, and somewhere in these woods, your horse will stumble and you'll be thrown from your saddle to die. Or so I will tell your mother. Nothing would please me more.

Daenerys Targaryen: I am a Khaleesi of the Dothraki! I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me. The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands!

Ned Stark: Lord Baelish, perhaps I was wrong to distrust you.

Petyr Baelish: Distrusting me was the wisest thing you've done since you climbed off your horse.

Lancel Lannister: (trying in vain to fit Robert into his armor, as Ned enters the tent) It's made too small, Your Grace- it won't go.

Robert Baratheon: (irritably) Your mother was a dumb whore with a fat arse! Did you know that? (Lancel dithers, then pulls off the breastplate as Robert turns to Ned) Look at this idiot- one ball, and no brains! He can't even put a man's armor on him properly!

Eddard Stark: (nods to Robert's massive belly) You're too fat for your armor.

Robert Baratheon: (scowls, in a mock-severe voice) Fat? Fat, is it?! Is that how you speak to your King?! (Eddard raises his eyebrows humorously. After a moment, Robert explodes into laughter, which Eddard joins; Lancel smiles, which Robert notices) That was funny, was it?

Lancel Lannister: No, Your Grace.

Robert Baratheon: No? You don't like the Hand's joke?! (Lancel opens his mouth, terrified)

Eddard Stark: (smiles) You're torturin' the poor boy.

Robert Baratheon: (to Lancel) You heard the Hand: the King's too fat for his armor! Go get the breastplate-stretcher, now! (Lancel hurries out, Robert bursts out laughing again)

Eddard Stark: (chuckes) "The breastplate-stretcher?"

Robert Baratheon:(grins, picks up a cup of wine) How long before he figures it out?

Eddard Stark: Maybe you should have one invented.

Robert Baratheon: (wags a finger at him) All right, all right- you watch me out there. I still know how to point a lance. (drinks)

Eddard Stark: (seriously) You've no business jousting. Leave that for the young men-

Robert Baratheon: Why, because I'm King? Piss on that! I wanna hit somebody!

Eddard Stark: And who's gonna hit back?

Robert Baratheon: Anybody who can! And the last man in his saddle-

Eddard Stark: Will be you. There's not a man in the Seven Kingdoms who'd risk hurting you.

Robert Baratheon: (scoffs) You tellin' me those cowards'd let me win?

Eddard Stark: Aye. (defeated, Robert refills his cup and fills a second one)

Robert Baratheon: (holds the cup out to Ned) Drink.

Eddard Stark: No, I'm not thirsty-

Robert Baratheon: Drink. (gives him a humorous smile) Your King commands it. (Ned takes the glass and drinks as Robert sits down) Gods- too fat for my armor.

Eddard Stark: (glances at the entrance of the tent) Your squire- a Lannister boy?

Robert Baratheon: (nods) Mmm- bloody idiot. But Cersei insisted. (Eddard looks away thoughtfully) I have Jon Arynn to thank for her. "Cersei Lannister will make a good match", he told me- "You'll need her father on your side". (sighs) I thought being King meant I could do whatever I wanted. (pause, Eddard stares at him, then Robert stands up) Enough of this. Let's go watch 'em ride- at least I can smell someone else's blood. (moves past Eddard)

Eddard Stark: Robert?

Robert Baratheon: What? (Eddard nods to his open shirt- revealing his enormous belly- and Robert looks down at himself) Oh.(he bursts into laughter again) An inspiring sight for the people, eh? Come, bow before your King! Bow, you shits!

[Having lost a tournament to Loras Tyrell, a furious Gregor Clegane attacks him]

Sandor Clegane: Leave him be! [He rushes to the aid of Loras, and defends him]

Robert Baratheon: [standing up] STOP THIS MADNESS IN THE NAME OF YOUR KING! [Sandor kneels, but Gregor merely stalks off] Let him go! [the crowd parts for Gregor]

Loras Tyrell: I owe you my life, ser.

Sandor Clegane: I'm no "ser".

[Loras grabs Sandor's arm and raises it, declaring him the champion, and the crowd applauds.]

Eddard Stark: (referring to the poison that killed Jon Arynn)...Who gave it to him?

Varys: Some dear friend, no doubt- but which one? There were many. Lord Arynn was a kind and trusting man.(pause) There was one boy- all he had, he owed to Jon Arynn.

Eddard Stark: (turns around) His squire, Ser Hugh?

Varys: (nods) Pity, what happened to him- just when his life seemed to be going so nicely.

Eddard Stark: If Ser Hugh poisoned him... who paid Ser Hugh?

Varys: (shrugs) Someone who could afford it.

Eddard Stark: Jon was a man of peace. He was Hand for seventeen years- seventeen good years. Why kill him?

Varys:...He started asking questions.

Varys: (enters the throne room to find Littlefinger staring at the Iron Throne) The first to arrive, and the last to leave... I admire your industry.

Petyr Baelish: (turns around) You do move quietly.

Varys: We all have our qualities. (stops before Littlefinger)

Petyr Baelish: You look a bit lonely today.(smirks) You should pay a visit to my brothel this evening- best boys, on the house!

Varys: (smiles) I think you are mistaking business with pleasure.

Petyr Baelish: Am I? (steps closer) All those birds that whisper in your ear, such pretty little things- (puts his hand on Vary's shoulder) Trust me, we accommodate all inclinations.

Varys: (gives him a distasteful look) Oh, I'm sure- Lord Redwyne likes his boys very young, I hear.

Petyr Baelish: I'm a purveyor of beauty and discretion- both equally important-

Varys: Though, I suppose, beauty is a subjective quality, no? Is it true that Ser Marlyn of Tumblestone prefers amputees?

Petyr Baelish: (impatiently) All desires are valid, to a man with a full purse-

Varys: And, I hear the most awful rumors about a certain lord with a taste for fresh cadavers. Must be enormously difficult to accomodate that inclination. The logistics alone- to find beautiful corpses before they rot.

Petyr Baelish: (hastily) Strictly speaking, such a thing would not be in accordance with the King's laws-

Varys: (sharply) Strictly speaking. (walks around Baelish, who turns after him)

Petyr Baelish: Tell me- does someone, somewhere, keep your balls in a little box? (Varys turns around, looking bored) I've often wondered.

Varys:...D'you know, I've no idea where they are- and we had been so close. (he and Littlefinger chuckle, Varys walks towards him again) But, enough about me- how have you been since we last saw each other?

Petyr Baelish: (smiles) Since you last saw me, or since I last saw you?

Varys: The last time I saw you, you were talking with the Hand of the King.

Petyr Baelish: You saw me with your own eyes-

Varys: Eyes I own.

Petyr Baelish: Council business. We all have so much to discuss with Ned Stark.

Varys: Everyone's well aware of your enduring... fondness for Ned Stark's wife. (pause, Baelish looks uncomfortable) If the Lannisters were behind the attempt on the Stark boy's life, and it was discovered that you helped the Starks come to that conclusion... (gives Baelish a wry look) To think- one simple word to the Queen-

Petyr Baelish: One shudders at the thought. (he and Varys both nod knowingly) But, you know something? I do believe I have seen you even more recently than you have seen me.

Varys: Have you?

Petyr Baelish: Yes. Earlier today, I distinctly recall seeing you talking to Lord Stark in his chambers.

Varys: (smirks) Was that you, under the bed?-

Petyr Baelish: (sharply) And, not long after that, when I saw you escorting a certain... foreign... dignitary? (Vary's smile vanishes) Council business? (pause) Of course, you would have friends from across the Narrow Sea- you're from there yourself, after all. And we're friends, aren't we, Lord Varys? (pause) I'd like to think we are. So, you can imagine my burden, wondering if the King might question my friend's sympathies- to stand at a crossroads where turning left means loyalty to a friend, turning right loyalty to the realm.

Varys: (scoffs) Oh, please-

Petyr Baelish: To find myself in a position where a word to the King-

Renly Baratheon: (enters) What are you two conspiring about? Well, whatever it is, you'd best hurry it up- my brother is coming.

Petyr Baelish: (surprised) To a Small Council meeting?

Varys: Disturbing news, from far away. (follows Renly out, glances mockingly back at Baelish) Hadn't you heard?

[The Small Council meet after learning of Daenerys' pregnancy]

Robert Baratheon: [angrily] The whore is pregnant!

Eddard Stark: You're speaking of murdering a child.

Robert Baratheon: I warned you this would happen. Back in the North, I warned you, but you didn't care to hear. Well, hear it now! I want 'em dead. Mother and child both. And that fool Viserys as well, is that plain enough for you? I want them both dead!

Eddard Stark: You will dishonor yourself forever if you do this.

Robert Baratheon: Honor?! I've got Seven Kingdoms to rule! One King, Seven Kingdoms! Do you think honor keeps them in line?! Do you think it's honor that's keeping the peace?! It's fear! Fear and blood!

Eddard Stark: Then we're no better than the Mad King!

Robert Baratheon: Careful, Ned! Careful now!

Eddard Stark: You want to assassinate a girl? Because the Spider heard a rumor?

Varys: No rumor, My Lord. The princess is with child.

Eddard Stark: Based on whose information?

Varys: Ser Jorah Mormont. He is serving as adviser to the Targaryens.

Eddard Stark: Mormont? You bring us the whispers of a traitor half a world away and call it fact?

Petyr Baelish: Jorah Mormont's a slaver, not a traitor. Small difference, I know, to an honorable man.

Eddard Stark: He broke the law. Betrayed his family, fled our land. We commit murder on the word of this man?

Robert Baratheon: And if he's right?! If she has a son?! A Targaryen at the head of a Dothraki army! What then?!

Eddard Stark: The Narrow Sea still lies between us. I'll fear the Dothraki the day they teach their horses to run on water.

Robert Baratheon: Do nothing?! That's your wise advice?! Do nothing till our enemies are on our shores?! [to the others] You're my Council, counsel! Speak sense to this "honorable" fool!

Varys: I understand your misgivings, my lord. Truly, I do. It is a terrible thing we must consider, a vile thing. Yet we who presume to rule must sometimes do vile things for the good of the realm. Should the gods grant Daenerys a son, the realm will bleed.

Pycelle: I bear this girl no ill will, but should the Dothraki invade, how many innocents will die? How many towns will burn? Is it not wiser – kinder, even – that she should die now, so that tens of thousands might live?

Renly Baratheon: We should have had them both killed years ago!

Petyr Baelish: When you find yourselves in bed with an ugly woman, best close your eyes and get it over with. [the others cringe at this crude picture] Cut her throat and be done with it!

Eddard Stark: [walks straight up to Robert] I followed you into war. Twice. Without doubts, without second thoughts. But I will not follow you now. The Robert I grew up with didn't tremble at the shadow of an unborn child.

Robert Baratheon: She dies.

Eddard Stark: I will have no part in it.

Robert Baratheon: You're the King's Hand, Lord Stark. You'll do as I command, or I'll find me a Hand who will!

[Eddard takes off his badge of office and tosses it onto the table in front of Robert]

Eddard Stark: And good luck to him. I thought you were a better man.

Robert Baratheon: [growling] Out! Out, damn you! I'm done with you! [as Eddard leaves] GO, RUN BACK TO WINTERFELL! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD ON A SPIKE! I'LL PUT IT THERE MYSELF, YOU FOOL! YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS, TOO PROUD AND HONORABLE?! THIS IS A WAR!

Cersei Lannister: I'll say this for Ned Stark: He's serious enough. Was it really worth it? Losing him this way?

Robert Baratheon: I don't know. But I do know this: If the Targaryen girl convinces her horselord husband to invade and the Dothraki horde crosses the Narrow Sea, we won't be able to stop them.

Cersei Lannister: The Dothraki don't sail. Every child knows that. They don't have discipline. They don't have armor. They don't have siege weapons.

Robert Baratheon: It's a neat little trick you do: You move your lips and your father's voice comes out.

Cersei Lannister: Is my father wrong?

Robert Baratheon: Let's say Viserys Targaryen lands with 40,000 Dothraki screamers at his back. We hole up in our castles- a wise move- only a fool would meet the Dothraki in an open field. They leave us in our castles. They go from town to town, looting and burning, killing every man who can't hide behind a stone wall, stealing all our crops and livestock, enslaving all our women and children. How long do the people of the Seven Kingdoms stand behind their absentee King, their cowardly King hiding behind high walls? When do the people decide that Viserys Targaryen is the rightful monarch after all?

Cersei Lannister: We still outnumber them.

Robert Baratheon: Which is the bigger number: Five or one?

Cersei Lannister: Five.

Robert Baratheon: [holding up his fingers] Five. [holding up a fist] One. One army- a real army united behind one leader with one purpose. Our purpose died with the Mad King. Now we've got as many armies as there are men with gold in their purse. And everybody wants something different. Your father wants to own the world. Ned Stark wants to run away and bury his head in the snow.

Robert Baratheon: Backstabbing doesn't prepare you for a fight and that's all the realm is now: backstabbing and scheming and arse-licking and money-grubbing. Sometimes I don't know what holds it together.

Cersei Lannister: Our marriage. [both burst out laughing]

Robert Baratheon: So, here we sit, 17 years later, holding it all together. Don't you get tired?

Cersei Lannister: Every day.

Robert Baratheon: How long can hate hold a thing together?

Cersei Lannister: Well, 17 years is quite a long time.

Robert Baratheon: [raises glass] Yes, it is.

Cersei Lannister: [raises glass] Yes, it is. [drinks] What was she [Lyanna Stark] like?

Robert Baratheon: [shocked] You've never asked about her, not once. Why now?

Cersei Lannister: At first, just saying her name, even in private, felt like I was breathing life back into her. I thought if I didn't talk about her, she'd just fade away for you. When I realised that wasn't going to happen, I refused to ask out of spite; I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of thinking I cared to ask. And eventually it became clear that my spite didn't mean anything to you; as far as I could tell, you actually enjoyed it!

Robert Baratheon: So why now?

Cersei Lannister: What harm could Lyanna Stark's ghost do to either of us that we haven't done to each other a hundred times over?

Robert Baratheon: [sadly] You want to know the horrible truth? I can't even remember what she looked like. I only know she was the one thing I ever wanted. Someone took her away from me, and seven kingdoms couldn't fill the hole she left behind.

Tyrion Lannister: (sees where they are going) The Eyrie. They say it's impregnable.

Bronn: Give me a few good men and some climbing spikes. I'll impregnate the bitch.

Tyrion Lannister: I like you.

Lysa Arryn: [to her son, Robert] He killed your father, he murdered the Hand of the King!

Tyrion Lannister: [sarcastically] Oh, did I kill him too? I've been a very busy man.

Cersei Lannister: (after Robert tries to defuse an argument between her and Eddard) I took you for a King!

Robert Baratheon: Hold your tongue!

Cersei Lannister: He's attacked one of my brothers, and abducted the other! I should wear the armor, and you the gown! (Robert turns and strikes her across the face)...I shall wear this bruise like a badge of honor.

Robert Baratheon: (coldly) Wear it in silence- or I'll honor you again.

Eddard Stark: (weakened by his injuries in the duel with Jaime) What about Jaime?

Robert Baratheon: (irritated that Eddard won't drop the matter) I'm half a Kingdom in debt to his bloody father! I don't know what happened between you and those yellow-haired shits, I don't want to know! This is what matters! I can't rule the Seven Kingdoms if the Starks and the Lannisters are at each other's throats, so enough! (drinks)

Eddard Stark: As you command, Your Grace. With your leave, I will return to Winterfell and set matters straight-

Robert Baratheon: (shakes his head) Piss on that! Send a raven. I want you to stay. I'm the King, I get what I want. (drinks and sighs) I never loved my brothers. Sad thing for a man to admit, but it's true. (pause) You were the brother I chose.

Tyrion Lannister: [calling out to his gaoler, Mord] MORD! TURNKEY! MORD! MORD!

Mord: [bursts into the sky cell, hitting Tyrion and driving him into a corner] Dwarf man making noise!

Tyrion Lannister: How would you like to be rich?

Mord: [hits Tyrion] Dwarf man still making noise!

Tyrion Lannister: M-my family has rich! They have gold, lots of gold! I'm prepared to give you lots of gold-

Mord: [searches Tyrion] No gold! [hits him]

Tyrion Lannister: Well, I don't have it here!

Mord: No gold! [hits him again and leaves] Fuck off!

Jorah Mormont: (catches Viserys trying to steal Dany's petrified dragon eggs) Don't let them see you carrying a sword in Vaes Dothrak- you know the law.

Viserys Targaryen: (shrugs, stands up) It's not my law. (continues stuffing the eggs into his bag)

Jorah Mormont: (sharply) They don't belong to you.

Viserys Targaryen: Whatever is hers, is also mine.

Jorah Mormont: Once, perhaps.

Viserys Targaryen: (turns around) If I sell one egg, I'll have enough to buy a ship- two eggs, a ship and an army.

Jorah Mormont: (raises his eyebrows) And you have all three-

Viserys Targaryen: (angry and impatient) I need a large army. (pause, comes towards him) I'm the last hope of the dynasty, Mormont. The greatest dynasty this world has ever seen, on my shoulders since I was five years old... and no one has ever given me what they gave to her in that tent. (petulantly) Never- not a piece of it. (pause) How can I carry what I need to carry without it? Hmm? Who can rule, without wealth or fear or love? (pause, Jorah continues to stare him down, Viserys snickers and starts to grin) You stand there, all nobility and honor (comes closer until they are eye-to-eye) You don't think I see you looking at my little sister, hmm? (Jorah looks increasingly uncomfortable) Don't think I know what you want? (pause, smiles and shakes his head) I don't care- you can have her. She can be Queen of the savages, and dine on the finest bloody horse-parts- and you can dine on whichever parts of her you like. But let me go. (starts to move past, Jorah blocks his way)

Jorah Mormont: You can go- you can't have the eggs.

Viserys Targaryen: (angrily) You swore an oath to me- does loyalty mean nothing to you?

Jorah Mormont: It means everything to me-

Viserys Targaryen: And yet, here you stand!

Jorah Mormont: (nods) And yet, here I stand. (after a tense moment, Viserys drops the eggs and Jorah lets him pass)

Tyrion Lannister: About the gold- [Mord hits Tyrion]

Mord: No gold! No gold!

Tyrion Lannister: Listen to me, sometimes, possession, is an abstract concept-[Mord hits him] When they captured me, they took my purse, but the gold is still mine!

Mord: Where?!

Tyrion Lannister: "Where?!" I don't know where, but-[Mord hits Tyrion] Free me!

Mord: You want free? [gestures to the mile-long drop where his cell ends] Go be free.

Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever heard the phrase "rich as a Lannister"? Of course you have. You're a smart man. You know who the Lannisters are. I am a Lannister. Tyrion, son of Tywin. Of course, you've also heard the phrase "a Lannister always pays his debts". If you deliver a message to Lady Arryn for me, I will be in your debt.

[Mord looks at Tyrion incredulously]

Tyrion Lannister: I will owe you gold. … If you deliver the message, and I live, which I very much intend to do.

Mord: [suspicious] What message?

Tyrion Lannister: [gets up] Tell her I wish to confess my crimes.

Lysa Arynn: You wish to confess your crimes?

Tyrion Lannister: Yes, my Lady, I do, my Lady.

Lysa Arynn: (smugly, to her sister Catelyn Stark) Sky cells always break them. (to Tyrion) Speak, Imp- and meet your Gods as an honest man!

Tyrion Lannister: Where do I begin, my lords and ladies? I'm a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated. Gambled and whored. I'm not particularly good at violence, but I'm good at convincing others to do violence for me. (Catelyn looks at him urgently, hoping he will confess to ordering the hit on Bran) You want specifics, I suppose? When I was seven, I saw a servant girl bathing in the river. I stole her robe. She was forced to return to the castle naked and in tears. If I close my eyes, I can still see her tits bouncing. When I was ten, I stuffed my uncle's boots with goat shit. When confronted with my crime, I blamed a squire. Poor boy was flogged and I escaped justice. When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage. I made the bald man cry! (makes masturbation gestures; some of the nobles begin to giggle, others look offended) Into the turtle stew, which I do believe my sister ate. At least I hope she did. (many of the assembled have broken out in laughter) Once I brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel...

Lysa Arryn: (stands up angrily) Silence!

Robin Arryn: What happened next? (Lysa shushes him)

Lysa Arryn: What do you think you're doing?!

Tyrion Lannister: (pretending to act bewildered) Confessing my crimes.

Catelyn Stark: (sharply) Lord Tyrion, you are accused of hiring a man to slay my son Bran in his bed, and of conspiring to murder my sister's husband Lord Jon Arryn, the Hand of the King.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, I'm very sorry. I don't know anything about all that.

Lysa Arryn: (furious) You've had your little joke- I trust you enjoyed it! Mord! (Mord steps forward) Take him back to the dungeon! This time, find a smaller cell- with a steeper floor!

Tyrion Lannister: (angrily, to the room at large) Is this how justice is done in the Vale?! You accuse me of crimes, I deny them- so you throw me into a cell to freeze and starve! Where is the King's justice?! I am accused, and demand a trial! (Catelyn looks uncomfortable)

Lysa Arryn: (looks uneasy) If you're tried and found guilty, then by the King's own laws, you will pay with your life!

Tyrion Lannister: (nods impatiently) I understand the law.

Lysa Arryn: We have no executioner in the Eyrie- life is more elegant here. (to one of the Arryn bannermen) Open the Moon Door! (the bannerman does so, Tyrion stares nervously down through the door) You want a trial, my Lord Lannister? Very well... (both she and Robin smile maliciously) My son will listen to whatever you have to say, and you will hear his judgement. (Robin giggles) Then, you will leave... by one door, or the other.

Tyrion Lannister: (calmly, aware Robin will have him killed no matter what he says) No need to bother Lord Robin- I demand a trial by combat. (the assembled nobles begin laughing, Bronn looks interested; Lysa looks uncertainly to Catelyn, who shrugs)

Lysa Arryn: (irritably) You have that right.

1st Vale knight: My lady, I beg the honor. Let me be your champion.

2nd Vale knight: The honor should be mine! For the love I bore your Lord husband- let me avenge his death! (other knights and nobles begin to call for Lysa's support)

Robin Arryn: (jumps up) Make the bad man FLY! (Lysa pulls him back into his seat)

Lysa Arryn: Ser Vardis. You're quiet- did you want to avenge my husband?

Ser Vardis Egan: (kneels) With all my heart, my Lady. But the Imp is half my size- shameful to slaughter such a man, and call it "justice"

Tyrion Lannister: (nods) Agreed.

Lysa Arryn: (angrily) You demanded a trial by combat!

Tyrion Lannister: And now, I demand a champion- I have that right, same as you.

Ser Vardis Egan: (stands) My Lady, I will gladly fight the Imp's champion for you. (Lysa smiles and nods, satisfied)

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles at him) I wouldn't be too glad, Ser- I name my brother, Jaime Lannister. (Ser Vardis looks startled)

Lysa Arryn: The Kingslayer is hundreds of miles from here.

Tyrion Lannister: Send a raven for him- I'm happy to wait.

Lysa Arryn: (shakes her head, smiles coldly) The trial will be today.

Tyrion Lannister: Do I have a volunteer? (the assembled laugh mockingly as Tyrion looks from one to the next, in increasing desperation) Anyone?... anyone? (Robin giggles)

Lysa Arynn: I think we can assume that no one is willing to-

Bronn: (shrugs, steps forward) I'll stand for the dwarf. (Everyone looks in shock and bewilderment, Tyrion looks surprised and delighted)

[Bronn, fighting for Tyrion, has just slain Lysa Arryn's champion, Ser Vardis, in a trial by combat]

Lysa Arryn: (to Bronn, childishly angry) You do not fight with honor!

Bronn: No. (shrugs, gestures mockingly to his fallen foe) He did. (Mord unlocks Tyrion's shackles)

Robin Arryn: Can I make the little man fly now?

Tyrion Lannister: Not this little man. This little man is going home. (approaches Ser Rodrik Cassel) I believe you have something of mine.(Rodrik looks to Catelyn, who nods; he tosses Tyrion his purse, Tyrion bows to Catelyn and turns to leave. As Tyrion exits followed by Bronn, he tosses it at Mord, whom he earlier promised a reward) A Lannister always pays his debts.

Robert Baratheon: You ever fuck a Riverlands girl?

Renly Baratheon: Once... I think.

Robert Baratheon: You think? I think you'd remember. Back in our day, you weren't a real man until you'd fucked one girl from each of the Seven Kingdoms and the Riverlands. We used to call it "making the eight".

Renly Baratheon: [sarcastic] Those were some lucky girls.

Robert Baratheon: You ever make the eight, Barristan?

Barristan Selmy: I don't believe so, Your Grace.

Robert Baratheon: [laughs] Those were the days!

Renly Baratheon: Which days exactly? The ones where half of Westeros fought the other half and millions died? Or before that, when the Mad King slaughtered women and babies because the voices in his head told him they deserved it?! Or way before that, when dragons burned whole cities to the ground?!

Robert Baratheon: Easy, boy. You might be my brother, but you're speaking to the King.

Renly Baratheon: I suppose it was all rather heroic, if you were drunk enough and had some poor Riverlands whore to shove your prick inside and "make the eight"!

Eddard Stark: I'm sending you both back to Winterfell.

Sansa Stark: What?

Eddard Stark: Listen...

Sansa Stark: What about Joffrey?

Arya Stark: Are you dying because of your leg? Is that why you're sending us home?

Eddard Stark: What? No.

Sansa Stark: Please father, please! Please don't!

Arya Stark: You can't! I've got my lessons with Syrio! I'm finally getting good!

Eddard Stark: This isn't a punishment. I want you back in Winterfell for your own safety.

Arya Stark: Can't we take Syrio back with us.

Sansa Stark Who cares about your stupid dancing teacher? I can't go! I'm supposed to marry Prince Joffrey! I love him! And I'm meant to be his queen and have his babies!

Arya Stark: [Disgusted] Seven hells!

Eddard Stark: When you're old enough, I'll make you a match with someone who is worthy of you. Someone who is brave and gentle and strong.

Sansa Stark: I don't want someone brave and gentle and strong. I want him. [Arya and Ned barely restrain a giggle at Sansa's distress.] He'll be the greatest king there ever was, a golden lion, and I'll give him sons with beautiful blond hair.

[A look of realization spreads across Ned's face after listening to the last part of Sansa's statement.]

Arya Stark: The lion's not his sigil, idiot. He's a stag like his father.

Sansa Stark: He is not! He is nothing like that old, drunk king.

Eddard Stark: Go on, girls. Get your septas and start packing your things.

Sansa Stark: Wait!

Arya Stark: [Grabs Sansa's hand and leads her out.] Come on!

Sansa Stark: But it's not fair!

[The girls leave the room and Eddard sits down at his table, reopening the book of lineages to the page of the Baratheon family.]

Eddard Stark: Lord Orys Baratheon, black of hair...Axel Baratheon, black of hair...Lyonel Baratheon, black of hair...Steffon Baratheon, black of hair...Robert Baratheon, black of hair...Joffrey Baratheon, goldenhead.

[Ned's eyes widen as he puts the pieces together. He closes the book.]

Viserys Targaryen: (stumbles into the feasting tent, visibly drunk) Daenerys! (Daenerys sees him and realizes trouble is coming) Where's my sister?

Daenerys Targaryen: (to Jorah Mormont) Stop him. (Jorah moves to intercept Viserys, Drogo watches Viserys in amusement)

Viserys Targaryen: Where is she? Hmm? Where is she? I'm here for the feast. The whore's feast?

Jorah Mormont: (grasps his arm) Come.

Viserys Targaryen: Get your hands off me! No one touches the Dragon!

Quotho: (in Dothraki) Khal rhae mhar! Me ifa! (Drogo laughs, Viserys hears him and turns to face him)

Viserys Targaryen: Khal Drogo! (waves and swaggers towards him) I'm here for the feast.

Khal Drogo: Nevakhi vekha ha maan. (Pointing in the direction of another room. Viserys turns to Jorah for a translation)

Jorah Mormont: Khal Drogo says there is a place for you. Back there. (points the same direction)

Viserys Targaryen: (smiles angrily and shakes his head at Drogo) That is no place for a king.

Khal Drogo: You are no king. (enraged, Viserys draws his scimitar and brandishes it; the celebrations immediately stop)

Viserys Targaryen: Keep away from me! (presses the blade to Jorah's neck as the knight tries to approach him)

Daenerys Targaryen: (stands up) Viserys, please. (Viserys finally sees her and a nasty grin spreads across his face)

Viserys Targaryen: There she is. (approaches her with his sword raised)

Jorah Mormont: Put the sword down. They'll kill us all.

Viserys Targaryen: They can't kill us. (doesn't notice Drogo looking meaningfully at his Bloodriders) They can't shed blood in their sacred city. (Irri tries to block his way, but Viserys forces her aside and presses his scimitar to Daenerys' pregnant belly, forcing her to sit) But I can. (Daenerys stares levelly back at her brother, who looks back and forth from her to Drogo) I want what I came for. I want the crown he promised me. He bought you. But he never paid for you. (Irri whispers an urgent translation to Drogo, who is watching Viserys worriedly) Tell him I want what was bargained for, or I'm taking you back. He can keep the baby. I'll cut it out and leave it for him. (Daenerys' and Drogo's expressions both turn cold)

Khal Drogo: (in an ominous tone) Anha vazhak maan rek me zala. Anha vazhak maan firikhnharen hoshora ma mahrazhi aqovi affin mori atihi mae!

Viserys Targaryen: What's he saying?

Daenerys Targaryen: He says yes. (Viserys looks surprised) You shall have a golden crown... that men shall tremble to behold. (Viserys looks at Drogo, unable to believe that he's gotten what he wanted.)

Viserys Targaryen: That was all I wanted. (laughs hesitantly as Drogo glares at him) What-what was promised. (laughs weakly and lowers his scimitar. Daenerys stands up; Drogo immediately goes to her and takes her hand; they share a look)

Khal Drogo: Qora mae. (Suddenly, Quotho and another of Drogo's Bloodriders seize Viserys' wrists, breaking his right arm and forcing him to drop the sword)

Viserys Targaryen: (in pain and rage) No! No! You cannot touch me. I am the Dragon. I am the Dragon! I want my crown! Ahh! [The Dothraki force him to his knees as he yells in pain; Drogo unbuckles his belt of gold ornaments]

Khal Drogo: Ammeni haz jolin! [The Dothraki woman empties a soup-pot hanging over the fire. Drogo drops the gold belt into the soup-pot and watches it melt; Viserys, horrified, suddenly realizess what Drogo is going to do to him]

Jorah Mormont: (approaches Daenerys) Look away, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: No.

Viserys Targaryen: (terrified) No, Dany. Dany, tell them. Make them! Dany, make them... No, you can't! Just- please! [To Daenerys, hysterically in tears] Dany, please! [Daenerys remains silent]

Khal Drogo: (walks up to Viserys with the pot of molten gold) A crown for a king. (He upends the pot and empties its contents onto his brother-in-law's head, making Viserys scream in agony, and levels his face in front of Viserys as he dies. When Viserys falls forward, the solidifying gold on his skull makes a metallic clank)

Jorah Mormont: (looking at Daenerys, who is still watching her brother's corpse) Khaleesi?

Daenerys Targaryen: He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.

Jaime Lannister: (reading a letter from Eddard Stark to Tywin, as Tywin sharpens a tanning knife next to a deer carcass) "You are summoned to answer for the crimes of your bannerman, Gregor Clegane 'the Mountain'...er, arrive within the fortnight or be branded an enemy of the Crown. (smirks) Poor Ned Stark- brave man, terrible judgement.

Tywin Lannister: (curtly) Attacking him was stupid. (Jaime looks surprised, Tywin begins skinning the carcass) Lannisters don't act like fools. (dumps the deer's intestines on the ground, wipes his hands) Are you gonna say something clever? Go on! Say something clever.

Jaime Lannister: Catelyn Stark took my brother.

Tywin Lannister: Why is he still alive? (continues skinning)

Jaime Lannister: Tyrion?

Tywin Lannister: Ned Stark.

Jaime Lannister: One of our men interfered- speared him through the leg before I could finish him.

Tywin Lannister: Why is he still alive? (Jaime looks taken aback)

Jaime Lannister: It wouldn't have been clean.

Tywin Lannister: (scoffs) "Clean?" You spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you.

Jaime Lannister: I could care less what anyone thinks of me.

Tywin Lannister: No, that's what you want people to think of you.

Jaime Lannister: It's the truth.

Tywin Lannister: When you hear them whispering "Kingslayer" behind your back, doesn't it bother you?

Jaime Lannister: (angrily) Of course it bothers me.

Tywin Lannister: The lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep.(pause) I suppose I should be grateful your vanity got in the way of your recklessness. (pause) I'm giving you half of our forces-thirty thousand men. You will bring them to Catelyn Stark's girlhood home and remind her that Lannisters pay their debts!

Jaime Lannister: (raises an eyebrow) I didn't know you put such a high value on my brother's life.

Tywin Lannister: He's a Lannister. He might be the lowest of the Lannisters, but he is one of us. And every day that he remains a prisoner, the less our name commands respect.

Jaime Lannister: So, the lion does concern himself with the opinions of the-

Tywin Lannister: (turns around) No, it's not an opinion, it's a fact! If another house can seize one of our own, and hold him captive with impunity, it means we're no longer a house to be feared! (turns back to the deer) Your mother's dead, before long I'll be dead, and you...and your brother and your sister and all of her children. All of us dead, all of us rotting in the ground. It's the family name that lives on. It's all that lives on. Not your honor, not your personal glory, family. Do you understand? (Jaime nods; Tywin finishes skinning and wipes his hands off) You're blessed with abilities that few men possess. You're blessed to belong to the most powerful family in the Kingdoms, and you're still blessed with youth. And what have you done with these blessings, hmm? You've served as a glorified bodyguard for two kings, one a madman, the other a drunk. (walks over to Jaime) The future of our family will be determined in these next few months. We could establish a dynasty that will last a thousand years...or we could collapse into nothing, as the Targaryens did. (puts his hand on the side of Jaime's face) I need you to become the man you were always meant to be. Not next year, not tomorrow...now.

Eddard Stark: I know the truth Jon Arryn died for.

Cersei Lannister: Do you, Lord Stark? Is that why you call me here, to pose me riddles?

Eddard Stark: [gesturing to the bruise on Cersei's cheek] Has he done this before?

Cersei Lannister: Jaime would have killed him. My brother is worth a thousand of your friend.

Eddard Stark: Your brother? Or your lover?

Cersei Lannister: The Targaryens wed brothers and sisters for three hundred years to keep bloodlines pure. Jaime and I are more than brother and sister; we shared a womb, came into this world together – we belong together.

Eddard Stark: My son saw you with him.

Cersei Lannister: Do you love your children?

Eddard Stark: With all my heart.

Cersei Lannister: No more than I love mine.

Eddard Stark: And they're all Jaime's.

Cersei Lannister: [chuckles] Thank the gods. In the rare event Robert leaves his whores long enough to stumble drunken into my bed, I finish him off in other ways. In the morning, he doesn't remember.

Eddard Stark: You've always hated him!

Cersei Lannister: Hated him?! I worshipped him! Every girl in the Seven Kingdoms dreamed of him, but he was mine by oath. And when I finally saw him on our wedding day in the Sept of Baelor, lean and fierce and black-bearded, it was the happiest moment of my life. And that night, he crawled on top of me, stinking of wine, and did what he did – what little he could do … and whispered in my ear, "Lyanna". Your sister was a corpse, I was a living girl, and he loved her more than me!

Eddard Stark: When the king returns from his hunt, I will tell him the truth. You must be gone by then, you and your children; I won't have their blood on my hands. Go as far away as you can with as many men as you can, because wherever you go, Robert's wrath will follow you.

Cersei Lannister: And what of my wrath, Lord Stark? You should have taken the realm for yourself. Jaime told me about the day King's Landing fell. He was sitting on the Iron Throne, and you made him give it up. All you needed to do was climb the steps yourself … such a sad mistake.

Eddard Stark: I've made many mistakes in my life, but that wasn't one of them.

Cersei Lannister: Oh, but it was. When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

Theon Greyjoy: You're a very luck girl, d'you know that? (Osha glares at him and nods briefly before continuing her work) Where I come from, we don't show mercy to criminals. Where I come from, if someone like you attacked a little Lord... at low tide, we'd lay you on your back, on the beach- your hands and feet chained to four stakes. The sea would come in, closer and closer... you'd see death creeping towards you, a few inches at a time.

Osha: Where is it you come from?

Theon Greyjoy: The Iron Islands.

Osha: They far away?

Theon Greyjoy: (incredulous) You've never heard of the Iron Islands? (doesn't realize yet that Osha is mocking him)

Osha: (scornfully) Trust me, you've never heard where I'm from, neither.

Theon Greyjoy: (irritated, steps closer to her) Trust me, my Lord. (Osha gives him a bewildered look) You're not living in the wilderness anymore. In civilized lands, you refer to your betters by their proper titles.

Osha: And what's that?

Theon Greyjoy: (sharply) Lord.

Osha: Why?

Theon Greyjoy:(angrily) Why? What do you mean, "why?" My father is Balon Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands!

Osha: (frowns) What's that got to do with you? If your father's Lord, how can you be Lord, too?

Theon Greyjoy: (impatient) I will be Lord, after my father-

Osha: So you're not Lord now.

Theon Greyjoy: No, he- (pauses, frowns at her suspiciously) You having a go at me? Is that it? (Osha glances at him contemptuously)

Osha: Just don't understand how you Southerners do things.

Theon Greyjoy: I'm not a Southerner.

Osha: You're from South of the Wall- that makes you a Southerner to me.

Theon Greyjoy: (smiles dangerously, comes closer) You're an impudent little wench, aren't you?

Osha: Couldn't say, my Lord- don't know what "impunent" means.

Theon Greyjoy: "Impudent". It means rude. Disrespectful. (stoops next to her and grabs her arm, rattling the chain on her neck) D'you want to lose that chain? (grabs her face and turns her towards him)

Maester Luwin:(enters the room) Theon Greyjoy! (Theon hastily lets go and steps back) The lady is our guest.

Theon Greyjoy: Thought she was our prisoner-

Maester Luwin: (sharply) Are the two mutually exclusive, in your experience? (Osha smirks at Theon; furious, he leaves the room quickly) Chances are, I won't be nearby the next time that happens.

Osha: (smiles) I'm used to worse than 'im. I'm used to men, could chew that boy up an' pick their teeth with his bones.

Maester Luwin: (chuckles, approaches her)...Why did you come here?

Osha: Didn't mean to come here. Meant to get much further South than this- as far south as South goes. Before the Long Night comes.

Maester Luwin: Why? What are you afraid of?

Osha: Those Things... that sleep in the day, and hunt at night.

Maester Luwin: (shrugs) Owls and shadowcats-

Osha: (glares up at him) I'm not talking about owls and shadowcats. (pause, she goes back to her work)

Maester Luwin: The Things you speak of... They've been gone for thousands of years-

Osha: They wasn't gone, old man... They was sleeping. And they ain't sleeping no more.

Renly Baratheon: Lord Stark, a moment...Alone, if you will? [Eddard dismisses his guards] He [Robert] named you Protector of the Realm?

Eddard Stark: He did.

Renly Baratheon: She won't care. Give me an hour, and I can put a hundred swords at your command.

Eddard Stark: And what should I do with a hundred swords?

Renly Baratheon: Strike! Tonight, while the castle sleeps! We must get Joffrey away from his mother and into our custody; Protector of the Realm or no, he who holds the king holds the kingdom. Every moment you delay gives Cersei another moment to prepare; by the time Robert dies, it will be too late for the both of us!

Eddard Stark: And what about Stannis?

Renly Baratheon: [incredulous] Saving the Seven Kingdoms from Cersei and delivering them to Stannis?! You have odd notions about protecting the realm!

Eddard Stark: Stannis is your older brother-

Renly Baratheon: This isn't about the bloody line of succession! That didn't matter when you rebelled against the Mad King, it shouldn't matter now! What's best for the Kingdoms? What's best for the people we rule? We all know what Stannis is; he inspires no love or loyalty. He's not a king...I am.

Eddard Stark: Stannis is a commander. He's led men into war twice, he destroyed the Greyjoy fleet-

Renly Baratheon: Yes, he's a good soldier, everyone knows that; so was Robert! Tell me something, do you still believe good soldiers make good kings?

Eddard Stark: I will not dishonour Robert's last hours by shedding blood in his halls and dragging frightened children from their beds.

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish:(bows to Ned) My Lord Protector.

Eddard Stark: The King has no trueborn sons. (Petyr looks surprised, or pretends to) Joffrey and Tommen are Jaime Lannister's bastards.

Petyr Baelish: So...when the King dies-

Eddard Stark: The Throne passes to his brother- Lord Stannis.

Petyr Baelish: So it would seem. (walks past Eddard) Unless-

Eddard Stark: (sharply) There is no "unless"- he is the rightful heir, nothing can change that.

Petyr Baelish: And he cannot take the Throne without your help; you would be wise to deny it to him, and to make sure Joffrey succeeds. (Eddard stares at him incredulously)

Eddard Stark: Do you have a shred of honor?!

Petyr Baelish:(smiles) You are now Hand of the King and Protector of the Realm. All of the power is yours- you need only reach out and take it. Make peace with the Lannisters- release the Imp- wed your daughter to Joffrey! We've plenty of time to get rid of Stannis, and if Joffrey seems likely to cause problems when he comes into his Throne, we simply reveal his little secret and seat Lord Renly there, instead.

Eddard Stark: We?

Petyr Baelish: You'll need someone to share these burdens, I assure you. (approaches Ned again) My price would be modest.

Eddard Stark: What you suggest is treason.

Petyr Baelish: Only if we lose.

Eddard Stark: (picks up the dagger used in the attempt on Bran's life) Make peace with the Lannisters, you say?(angrily) With the people who tried to murder my boy-

Petyr Baelish: We only make peace with our enemies, my Lord- that's why it's called making peace.

Eddard Stark: No... I won't do it.

Petyr Baelish:(his smile vanishes) So, it will be Stannis- and war?

Eddard Stark: (firmly) There is no other choice- he is the heir.

Petyr Baelish: (irritably) So why did you call me here? Not for my wisdom, clearly.

Eddard Stark: You promised Catelyn you'd help me. The Queen has her knights and a hundred men-at-arms- enough to overwhelm what remains of my household guard. I need the Gold-cloaks. The City Watch is two thousand men strong, and sworn to defend the King's peace.(sets the dagger on the table)

Petyr Baelish: (smiles and shakes his head as he sits across from Ned)...Look at you. You know what you want me to do- you know what has to be done. But it's not honorable, so... the words stick in your throat. (leans forward) When the Queen proclaims one King, and the Hand proclaims another, whose peace do the Gold-Cloaks protect?(turns the dagger until its' point faces him) Who do they follow? The man who pays them.

Robert Baratheon: Give it to the council after I'm dead. At least they'll say I did this right, this one thing. You'll rule now. You'll hate it worse than I did but you'll do it well. The girl...Daenerys. You were right. Varys, Littlefinger, my brother worthless. No one to tell me "no" but you. Only you. Let her live. Stop it, if it's not too late.

Eddard Stark: I will.

Robert Baratheon: And my son...help him, Ned. Make him better than me.

Jon Snow and Samwell Tarly: Hear my words, and bear witness to my vow. Night gathers, and now my Watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the Sword in the Darkness, I am the Watcher on the Walls, I am the Shield that guards the Realms of Men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this Night, and all the Nights to come.

Veteran Ranger: You knelt as boys. Rise, now, as men of the Night's Watch. (Sam and Jon rise, hug each other, and hug the other veterans) Well done, well done. (Ghost walks up to them with something in his mouth)

Samwell Tarly: What's he got there?

Jon Snow: To me, Ghost- bring it here. (Ghost drops the object on the ground- it is the hand of a Wight)

Samwwell Tarly: Gods be good.

[Drogo enters the house where Daenerys and Jorah Mormont await him, along with the man who attempted to poison Dany. Drogo inspects the poisoner, then angrily throws his torch into the fireplace and goes to Daenerys, taking her face in his hands]

Khal Drogo: (in Dothraki) Moon of my life, are you hurt? (she shakes her head, Drogo kisses her forehead then goes to Jorah) Jorah the Andal, I heard what you did. (puts a hand on his shoulder and embraces him) Choose any horse you wish, it is yours. I make this gift to you. (turns back to Daenerys, addresses the room at large) And to my son, the stallion who will mount the world, I will also pledge a gift. I will give him the iron chair that his mother's father sat upon. (walks around the fire) I will give him Seven Kingdoms. I, Drogo, will do this. I will take my Khalasar west to where the world ends and ride wooden horses across the black salt water as no Khal has done before! (the Dothraki begin chanting war cries) I will kill the men in iron suits and tear down their stone houses! I will rape their women, take their children as slaves and bring their broken gods back to Vaes Dothrak! This, I vow, I, Drogo, son of Bharbo. I swear before the Mother of Mountains as the stars look down in witness! As the stars look down in witness!

Petyr Baelish: [after betraying Ned] I did warn you not to trust me.

Ser Meryn Trant: Arya Stark, come with us. Your father wants to see you. [Arya starts to walk toward Trant, but Syrio stops her]

Syrio Forel: And why is it that Lord Eddard is sending Lannister men in place of his own, I wonder?

Ser Meryn Trant: Mind your place, dancing master. This is no concern of yours.

Arya Stark: My father wouldn't send you. [picks up a wooden practice sword] And I don't have to go with you if I don't want.

Ser Meryn Trant: [laughs] Take her.

Syrio Forel: Are you men or snakes that you would threaten a child?

Lannister guard: Get out of my way, little man.

Syrio Forel: I am Syrio Forel...

Lannister guard: Foreign bastard.

[Syrio whacks the Lannister guard on the head with his wooden sword, knocking him out]

Syrio Forel: And you will be speaking to me with more respect.

Ser Meryn Trant: Kill the Braavosi! Bring the girl.

Syrio Forel: Arya child, we are done with dancing for today. Run to your father.

[Syrio proceeds to beat up all four Lannister soldiers]

Ser Meryn Trant: [draws his sword] Bloody oafs!

Syrio Forel: Begone, Arya.

Arya Stark: Come with me, Syrio. Run.

Syrio Forel: The First Sword of Braavos does not run.

[Meryn Trant and Syrio fight briefly, then Trant snaps Syrio's sword in half]

Syrio Forel: What do we say to the god of death?

Arya Stark: [shivering] Not today. [runs]

Varys: (enters Eddard's cell hooded, carrying a torch) Lord Stark- you must be thirsty. (kneels in front of him, offers him a wineskin)

Eddard Stark: Varys?

Varys: I promise you, it isn't poisoned. (exasperated) Why is it no one ever trusts the eunuch? (pulls the stopper out with his teeth, takes a sip and offers it to Eddard, who finally takes it and drinks deeply) Not so much, my Lord- I would save the rest, if I were you. Hide it. Men have been known to die of thirst in these cells.

Eddard Stark: What of my daughters?

Varys: The younger one seems to have escaped the castle; even my little birds cannot find her.

Eddard Stark: And Sansa?

Varys: Still engaged to Joffrey. Cersei will keep her close. The rest of your household though, all dead, it grieves me to say. I do so hate the sight of blood. (smiles wryly)

Eddard Stark: (angrily) You watched my men being slaughtered, and did nothing.

Varys: (shrugs) And would again, my Lord. I was unarmed, unarmored, and surrounded by Lannister swords. When you look at me, do you see a hero? (Eddard looks at him contemptuously, then looks away and drinks again) What madness led you to tell the Queen you had learnt the truth about Joffrey's birth?!

Eddard Stark: The madness of mercy (Varys looks at him in confusion) That she might save her children.

Varys: Ahh, the children- it's always the innocents who suffer. (pause) It wasn't the wine that killed Robert, nor the boar (Eddard looks at him, Varys stares at him reproachfully) Oh the wine slowed him down, and the boar ripped him open, yes, but it was your mercy that killed the King. (pause, Eddard ponders his words ashamedly) I trust you know you're a dead man, Lord Eddard.

Eddard Stark: The Queen can't kill me. Cat holds her brother. (drinks)

Varys: The wrong brother, sadly, and lost to her. Your wife has let the Imp slip through her fingers.

Eddard Stark: If that's true, then slit my throat and be done with it.

Varys: (shakes his head) Not today, my Lord. (gets up to leave)

Eddard Stark: Tell me something, Varys (Varys turns back to face him) Who do you truly serve?

Varys: (pause) The Realm, my Lord. Someone must. (leaves)

Grand Maester Pycelle: (reading a scroll of Joffrey's commands, as Sansa crosses the room; Joffrey and Cersei both smirk at her in a superior manner) "It is also the wish of His Grace that his loyal servant Janos Slynt, Commander of the City Watch, be at once raised to the rank of Lord- and granted the great seat of Harrenhall, and that his sons and grandsons shall hold this order after him until the end of time. (Slynt bows to Joffrey and steps aside). In the place of the traitor, Eddard Stark(Sansa looks fearfully at Joffrey), it is the wish of His Grace that Tywin Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock and Warden of the West, be appointed Hand of the King. Lastly, in these times of treason and turmoil, it is the view of the Council that the life and safety of King Joffrey be of paramount importance."

Cersei Lannister: (leans forward) Ser Barristan Selmy.

Barristan Selmy: (steps forward from the Kingsguard) Your Grace. (kneels) I am yours to command.

Cersei Lannister: Rise, Ser Barristan. (he does so) You may remove your helmet. (he does so, uncertainly) You have served the Realm long and faithfully. Every man and woman in the Seven Kingdoms owes you thanks. But it is time to put aside your armor and your sword. (Selmy stares at her suspiciously) It is time to rest, and look back with pride, on your many years of service. (the court mutters in surprise)

Barristan Selmy: (deeply offended) Your Grace, the Kingsguard is a sworn brotherhood. Our vows are taken for life! Only death relieves us of our sacred trust!

Cersei Lannister: Whose death, Ser Barristan- yours or your King's? (Selmy glares at her)

Joffrey Baratheon: (scornfully) You let my father die. You're too old to protect anybody.

Barristan Selmy: (measured pause) Your Grace-

Cersei Lannister: The Council has determined that Ser Jaime Lannister will take your place as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard-

Barristan Selmy: (disgusted) A man who profaned his blade, with the blood of the King he had sworn to defend!

Cersei Lannister: (irritated) Careful, Ser.

Varys: (trying to be diplomatic) We have nothing but gratitude for your long service, good Ser. You shall be given a stout keep beside the sea, with servants to look after your every need-

Barristan Selmy: (scornfully) A hall to die in, and men to bury me! (Cersei's smug smile fades, Ser Barristan tears off his white cloak) I am a knight! I shall die a knight! ('throws his helmet and cloak at Joffrey's feet)

Petyr Baelish: A naked knight, apparently. (the court laughs. Furious, Ser Barristan draws his sword, and everyone goes quiet; the other five Kingsguard draw their own blades)

Barristan Selmy: (sneers) Even now, I could cut through the five of you like carving a cake! (pause, throws his sword at Joffrey's feet, causing him to flinch) Here, boy! Melt it down and add it to the others! (he storms out of the throne room)

Robb Stark: Treason? Sansa wrote this?

Maester Luwin : It is your sister's hand, but the Queen's words. You are summoned to King's Landing to swear fealty to the new king.

Robb Stark: Joffrey puts my father in chains, now he wants his ass kissed?

Maester Luwin : This is a royal command, My Lord. If you should refuse to obey...

Robb Stark: I won't refuse. His Grace summons me to King's Landing, I'll go to King's Landing. But not alone. Call the banners.

Maester Luwin : All of them, My Lord?

Robb Stark: They've all sworn to defend my father, have they not?

Maester Luwin : They have.

Robb Stark: Now we see what their words are worth.

Maester Luwin : Yeah.

[Maester Luwin goes away]

Theon Greyjoy: Are you afraid?

Robb Stark [showing his hand trembling for fear]: I must be.

Theon Greyjoy: Good.

Robb Stark: Why is that good?

Theon Greyjoy: It means you're not stupid.

Tyrion: What do you want from me, Bronn? Gold? Women? Golden women? Stick with me and you'll have them all, for as long as I'm around and not a moment longer. But you knew that; that is why you took up arms so valiantly to defend my honour!

Bronn: Alright, but don't expect me to call upon your lordship whenever you take a shit. I'm not your toady, and I'm not your friend.

Tyrion: Though I would treasure your friendship, I'm mainly interested in your facility with murder. And if the day ever comes where you're tempted to sell me out, remember this: Whatever the price, I'll beat it. I like living.

Shagga: How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?

Tyrion Lannister: In my own bed at the age of 80, with a bellyful of wine and a girl's mouth around my cock! (Shagga's men roar with laughter)

[The Northern Lords, having answered Robb's call to arms, are dining in Winterfell as they discuss strategy]

Jon"Greatjon" Umber: (slightly drunk, to Robb) For thirty years, I've been making corpses out of men, boy. I'm the man you want leading the vanguard. (Theon and Bran watch for Robb's reaction)

Robb Stark: (firmly) Galbert Glover will lead the van.

Jon Umber: The bloody Wall will melt before an Umber marches behind a Glover! I will lead the van- or I will take my men, and march them home. (Robb slowly looks up at him, with an icy glare)

Robb Stark: (coldly) You are welcome to do so, Lord Umber. (stands up) And, when I am done with the Lannisters, I will march back North, root you out of your keep, and hang you for an oathbreaker.

Jon Umber: (furious) Oathbreaker, is it?! (knocks his cup aside and stands up; all the Northern lords go quiet) I'll not sit here and swallow insults from a boy so green he pisses grass! (he reaches for his sword, but Robb's direwolf, Grey Wind, leaps onto the table and runs towards him, snarling. The Greatjon roars in pain as the wolf bites two of his fingers off)

Robb Stark: (as the Greatjon gets up) My Lord father taught me it was death to bear steel against you liege-Lord. (the Greatjon glares at him) Doubtless, the Greatjon only meant to cut my meat for me.

Jon Umber: (stares at him incredulously for a moment, then glances at the other Lords) Your meat?! (holds up his mutilated hand) Is bloody tough! (after a moment, the Greatjon, Robb, and all the other Northern Lords burst out laughing)

Drogo: Moon of my life, Mago says you have taken his spoils, a daughter of a lamb man who was his to mount. Tell me the truth of this.

Daenerys: Mago speaks the truth, my sun and stars. I have claimed many daughters this day so they cannot be mounted.

Drogo: This is the way of war. These women are slaves now to do with as we please.

Daenerys: It pleases me to keep them safe. If your riders would mount them, let them take them for wives.

Qotho: [disdainful] Does the horse mate with the lamb?

Daenerys: [coldly] The dragon feeds on horse and lamb alike.

Mago: [angrily] You are a foreigner. You do not command me.

Daenerys: I am Khaleesi. I do command you.

Drogo: [chuckles] See how fierce she grows? That is my son inside her, the stallion that will mount the world, filling her with his fire. I will hear no more. Mago, find somewhere else to stick your cock. [Mago spits in disgust and points his sword at Drogo]

Mago: A Khal who takes orders from a foreign whore is no khal at all! [Drogo's other bloodriders raise their swords at Mago]

Drogo: Stop! [the bloodriders back away; Drogo stands up and drops his sword to the ground- a gesture of contempt- then walks slowly towards Mago.] I will not have your body burned. I will not give you that honor. [Mago raises his sword, but Drogo simply presses his chest against the edge, leaving a small wound on his chest] The beetles will feed on your eyes. [Mago makes several swings, but Drogo dodges them easily; he draws his twin daggers and drops them on the ground as well] The worms will crawl through your lungs! [dodges several more attacks] The rain will fall on your rotting skin, until nothing is left of you but bones!

Mago: First you have to kill me! [attacks Drogo again]

Drogo: I already have! [Drogo ducks under the swing, slices open Mago's throat with the reverse edge of his own weapon, and then shoves his hand in the wound, tearing Mago's tongue out from its base]

Bran: What did you mean about hearing the gods?

Osha: You asked them; they're answering you. Shhh. Open your ears.

Bran: That's only the wind.

Osha: Who do you think sends the winds but the gods? They see you, boy, they hear you. Your brother will get no help from them where he's going. The old gods have no power in the south. The weirwoods there were all cut down a long time ago. How can they watch when they have no eyes?

Bran: Are there really giants beyond the wall?

Osha: Giants and worse than giants. I tried telling your brother he's marching the wrong way. All these swords, they should be going the north, boy; north, not south. The cold winds are rising.

Samwell Tarly: (as they burn the two Wights)...They were touched by White Walkers. (Jon, Pypar, Grenn and Rast look at him) That's why they came back- that's why their eyes turned blue. Only fire will stop them.

Jon Snow: How'd you know that?

Samwell Tarly: I read about it in a book. A very old book in Maester Aemon's library.

Jon Snow:...What else did the book say?

Samwell Tarly: The White Walkers sleep beneath the ice for thousands of years. And, when they wake up...

Pypar: And when they wake up...What?

Samwell Tarly: (stares up at the Wall, shrugs grimly)...I hope the Wall's high enough.

[Tyrion- followed by Bronn and the leaders of the Hill-Tribes- enters Tywin's tent as Tywin and Kevan are going over a map]

Kevan Lannister: (looks up) Tyrion!

Tyrion Lannister: (nods) Uncle. Father. (Tywin stares at him coldly)

Tywin Lannister: The rumors of your demise were unfounded.

Tyrion Lannister: (looks away) Sorry to disappoint you.

Tywin Lannister: (glances at Bronn and the Hill Tribesmen) And who are these...companions of yours?

Tyrion Lannister: ('indicates each of them) This is Shagga, son of Dolf, chieftain of the Stone Crows- Timmett, son of... Timmett, ruler of the Burned Men- this... fair maid is Chella, daughter of Shek, leader of the Black Ears- and here, we have Bronn, son of...

Bronn: You wouldn't know him. (Tywin gives him a scornful look, Kevan smiles ruefully)

Tyrion Lannister: May I present my Lord father- Tywin, son of Tytos, of House Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock and Warden of the West. (pause, Tyrion comes forward, smirking) Kind of you to go to war for me. (he sits down and reaches for the wine flask, but Tywin moves it out of his reach)

Tywin Lannister: You left us no choice. The honor of the House was at stake. Your brother would never have submitted to capture so meekly.

Tyrion Lannister: (sarcastically) We have our differences, Jaime and I. He's braver, I'm better looking-

Tywin Lannister: He's been covering himself in glory.

Kevan Lannister: (to Tyrion) Jaime smashed the River Lords at the Golden Tooth- and now, lays siege to Riverrun, Catelyn Stark's homeland.

Tyrion Lannister: And the Starks? Lord Eddard-

Tywin Lannister: Is our hostage. He will lead no armies from his dungeon cell.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles) How did my sweet sister persuade the King to imprison his dear friend Ned?

Tywin Lannister: (smiles) Robert Baratheon is dead. (Tyrion is startled) Joffrey rules in King's Landing. (Tyrion turns to Kevan, who smiles and nods)

Tyrion Lannister: My sister rules, you mean. (Tywin shrugs)

Kevan Lannister: Stark's son has called his banners. He moves south, with a strong host.

Tywin Lannister: (smirks) A green boy... One taste of battle, and he'll run back to Winterfell with his tail between his legs.

Tyrion Lannister: Maybe... though the boy does have a certain belligerence. You'd like him. (Tywin glares at him) While we're on the subject of war, I made promises to my friends here. And a Lannister always pays his debts. We shall require 3,000 helms and shields- plus swords, pikes, daggers, maces-

Lannister scout: (enters and kneels before Tywin's table) If it please my Lord, Ser Adam bids me report that the Northmen have crossed the Neck. (Kevan looks startled)

Tywin Lannister: (stands up) The wolf rushes into the lion's jaws. So be it. Kevan- command the drummers beat assembly! (Kevan nods) And send word to Jaime that I'm moving against Robb Stark.

Kevan Lannister: At once, my Lord. (walks out. Tywin walks around his table and sizes up Bronn and the three Hill-Tribe leaders; behind him, Tyrion grabs the wine flask and fills his cup)

Tywin Lannister: It is said that the men of the mountain clans are great warriors. Ride with me against my enemies, and you shall have all my son promised you, and more.

Shagga: Only if the Halfman fights with us. Until we hold the steel he pledged us, the little lion's life is ours. (Tyrion turns around, looking nervous; Tywin looks from the Hill-Tribesmen to him, smirking)

Varys: (enters Eddard's cell again, hooded and with a torch) You've seen better days, my Lord.

Eddard Stark: (wryly) Another visit- seems you're my last friend. (accepts the wineskin Varys offers)

Varys: Oh, no- many still love you. Sansa came to Court this morning to plead for your life.

Eddard Stark: (drinks) On her knees, begging for me? (angrily) Did you laugh, with the others?

Varys: (mildly offended) You do me wrong, my Lord. Your blood is the last thing I want-

Eddard Stark: I don't know what you want. (drinks again) I've given up trying to guess.

Varys: (long pause, looks away, then back) When I was still a boy, before they cut my balls off with a hot knife... I traveled with a group of actors through the Free Cities. They taught me that each man has a role to play. The same is true at court; I am the Master of Whisperers. My role is to be sly, obsequious, and without scruples.(smiles and shrugs) I am a good actor, my Lord.

Eddard Stark: (nods) Can you free me from this pit?

Varys: I could (nods, glances around). But will I? (shakes his head, Eddard chuckles knowingly) No. As I said, I'm no hero.

Eddard Stark: (impatiently) What do you want? Tell me, no stories, no riddles. Tell me, what do you want?

Varys: (kneels in front of him, looks him in the eye) Peace. Did you know that your son is marching south with an army of Northmen? Loyal lad, fighting for his father's freedom.

Eddard Stark: (shocked) Robb? He's just a boy.

Varys: Boys have been conquerers before. But the man giving Cersei sleepless nights is the king's...the late king's brother. Lord Stannis has the best claim to the throne; he's a proven battle commander and he is utterly without mercy.

Eddard Stark: Stannis Baratheon is Robert's true heir. The throne is his by rights!

Varys: (tuts, stands up as if to leave) Sansa pleaded so sweetly for your life, it would be a shame to throw it away. (pause) Cersei is no fool. She knows a tame wolf is more use to her than a dead one.

Eddard Stark: You want me to serve the woman who murdered my king, who butchered my men, who crippled my son?!

Varys: (angrily) I want you to serve the realm! Tell the Queen you will confess your vile treason, tell your son to lay down his sword and proclaim Joffrey as the true heir! (sees Eddard growing angrier and softens his tone) Cersei knows you as a man of honour. If you give her the peace she needs, and promise to carry her secret to your grave, I believe she will allow you to take the black and live out your days on the Wall, with your brother and your bastard son.

Eddard Stark:(laughs coldly) You think my life is some precious thing to me? That I would trade my honour for a few more years of...of what? You grew up with actors; you learned their craft and you learnt it well. But I grew up with soldiers. I learned how to die a long time ago.

Varys: Pity. Such a pity. (Varys moves to leave, but turns back for one last word) What of your daughter's life, my lord? Is that a precious thing to you? (Ned is visibly given pause by the remark)

[Theon shoots down a raven leaving the Twins; he removes the message it was carrying and hands it to Robb]

Robb Stark: (inspects it) It's a birthday message to his grand-niece, Walda-

Theon Greyjoy: Or so Walder Frey would have you think.

Catelyn Stark: Keep shooting them down. (Theon nods) We can't risk Lord Walder sending word of your movements to the Lannisters-

Robb Stark: He's Grandfather's bannerman! We can't expect his support?

Jon "Greatjon" Umber: Expect nothing of Walder Frey, and you'll never be surprised. Look. (they notice two Frey men-at-arms riding out of the Twins to meet the Northern army)

Robb Stark: (worriedly) Father rots in a dungeon... How long until they take his head? We need to cross the Trident, and we need to do it now.

Theon Greyjoy: Just march up to his gates and tell him you're crossing. We've got five times his numbers- you can take the Twins, if you have to.

Jon Umber: Not in time. Tywin Lannister marches north as we speak.

Catelyn Stark: The Freys have held the Crossing for six hundred years, and for six hundred years they have never failed to exact their toll.

Robb Stark:(pause) Have my horse saddled and ready.

Jon Umber: (stares at him in disbelief) Enter the Twins alone, and he'll sell you to the Lannisters, as he likes!

Theon Greyjoy: Or throw you in a dungeon- or slit your throat.

Robb Stark: (watches the Frey men approaching) My father would do whatever it took to secure our crossing- whatever it took. If I'm going to lead this army, I can't have all my men doing my bargaining for me.

Catelyn Stark: I agree. I'll go. (Ser Rodrik Cassel and the Greatjon protest)

Robb Stark: You cannot!

Catelyn Stark: I have known Lord Walder since I was a girl. He would never harm me.

Rodrik Cassel: (grimly) Unless there was a profit in it.

[Catelyn meets Lord Walder inside the Twins, surrounded by his dozens of children, both illegitimate and legitimate]

Walder Frey: What do you want?

Catelyn Stark: It is a great pleasure to see you again after so many years, my Lord-

Walder Frey: Oh, spare me. Your boy's too proud to come before me himself. What am I supposed to do with you? (fondles his much-younger wife, Joyeuse)

Stevron Frey: Father, you forget yourself. Lady Stark is-

Walder Frey: Who asked you?! (Joyeuse flinches) You're not Lord Frey yet- not until I die. Do I look dead to you?

Ryger Rivers: Father, please!

Walder Frey: Do I need lessons in courtesy from you, bastard? Your mother would still be a milkmaid if I hand't squirted you into her belly!(he glares around at his children, then gestures to Catelyn) All right- you, come forward. (after a pause, Catelyn does so, and Lord Walder clumsily kisses her hand) There. Now that I've observed the courtesies, perhaps my sons will do me the honor of shutting their mouths.

Catelyn Stark: Is there somewhere we can talk?

Walder Frey: We're talking right now. (pause, Catelyn stares at him) Fine. OUT! All of you!(all his children leave, Walder slaps Joyeuse's rear end) You, too. (she leaves, Lord Walder stands up wearily, staring after her) You see that? Fifteen, she is. A little flower- and the honey's all mine. (walks slowly past Catelyn toward the fire)

Catelyn Stark: (hiding her distaste)...I'm sure she will give you many sons.

Walder Frey: Hah! (pause) Your father didn't come to the wedding.

Catelyn Stark: He is quite ill, my Lord.

Walder Frey: He didn't come to the last one, either. Or the one before that. (pause) Your family's always pissed on me.

Catelyn Stark: My Lord, I-

Walder Frey: Don't deny it, you know it's true. The fine Lord Tully would never marry any of his children to mine.

Catelyn Stark: I'm sure there are reasons-

Walder Frey: (pause) I didn't need reasons. I needed to get rid of sons and daughters. You see how they pile up? (pause) Why are you here?

Catelyn Stark: To ask you to open your gates, my Lord. So that my son and his bannermen may cross the Trident and be on their way.

Walder Frey: Why should I let him?

Catelyn Stark: (coldly) If you could climb your own battlements, you would see that he has twenty thousand men outside your walls.

Walder Frey: (scoffs, turns away) They'll be twenty thousand corpses, when Tywin Lannister gets here. Don't try and frighten me, Lady Stark- your husband's in a cell beneath the Red Keep, and your son's got no fur to keep his balls warm!

Catelyn Stark: (angrily) You swore an oath to my father.

Walder Frey: Oh, yes, I said some words- but then, I swore oaths to the Crown, too, if I remember right. Joffrey's King now, which makes your boy and his corpses-to-be nothing but rebels, it seems to me. If I had the sense the gods gave to a fish, I'd hand you both over to the Lannisters.

Catelyn Stark: (unfazed) Why don't you?

Walder Frey: (turns around) Stark, Tully, Lannister, Baratheon- give me one good reason why I should waste a single thought on any of you.

Kevan Lannister: Our scouts tell us that Robb Stark moves south from the Twins- with Lord Frey's levies in tow. They're a day's march north.

Tywin Lannister: Hmm- the boy may lack experience and sense, but he does have a certain mindless provincial courage. (glares at Tyrion as he arrives to the briefing, late, and pours himself wine)

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, do continue- didn't mean to interrupt!

Tywin Lannister: I do hope your savages are going to be of some use, otherwise we wasted good steel on them.

Kevan Lannister: The great hairy one insisted he must have two battle-axes, heavy black steel, double-sided.

Tyrion Lannister: (shrugs and drinks) Shagga likes axes.

Tywin Lannister: When the battle commences, you and your wildlings will be in the vanguard.

Tyrion Lannister: The vanguard? Me and the tribesmen, on the front lines?

Kevan Lannister: They do seem rather ferocious.

Tyrion Lannister: Ferocious? Last night a Moon Brother stabbed a Stone Crow over a sausage. Three Stone Crows seized the Moon Brother and opened his throat. Bronn managed to keep Shagga from chopping off the dead man's cock, which was fortunate, but even still Ulf is demanding blood money, which Shagga and Gunter refuse to pay-

Tywin Lannister: When soldiers lack discipline, the fault lies with their commander-

Tyrion Lannister: Surely there are ways to have me killed that would be less detrimental to the war effort!

Tywin Lannister: There'll be no more discussion on the matter.

Tyrion Lannister: (Pushes aside his plate) It appears I'm not hungry after all. Excuse me, my Lords.

Tyrion Lannister: (enters his tent to find Bronn with Shae, a whore; he appraises her, then turns to Bronn)...Where did you find one so pretty, at this hour?

Bronn: I took her. (Tyrion pours himself wine)

Tyrion Lannister: Took her? From whom?

Bronn: From, uh, Ser...what's-his-name... (shrugs) I dunno, ginger cunt, three tents down.

Tyrion Lannister: And he didn't have anything to say about it?

Bronn: (shrugs)...He said something. (Tyrion stares at him)

Tyrion Lannister: (shrugs, turns toward Shae) Well, the odds of me living long enough for him to retaliate have just dropped drastically. We'll be at the vanguard tomorrow.

Bronn: (looks uneasy)...Ah, well (they both look at Shae) I think I'll go and find meself one. (leaves)

Tyrion Lannister: (looks up at Shae)...Who are you?

Shae: (smiles) Who would you like me to be?

Tyrion Lannister: (frowns) What did your mother call you? ('drinks)

Shae: Shae. What did your mother call you?

Tyrion Lannister: My mother died giving birth to me.

Shae: Is that why I'm here- so we can talk about our mothers? (Tyrion smiles)

Tyrion Lannister: What sort of accent is that?

Shae: Foreign.

Tyrion Lannister: Fo- (he sees Shae smirking at him and smiles ruefully)

Shae:...What do you want from me?

Tyrion Lannister: (frowns bemusedly) What do I want from you? (pause) I want you to share my tent. I want you to pour my wine, laugh at my jokes, rub my legs when they are sore after a long day's ride. I want you to take no other man to bed, for as long as we are together. And, I want you to fuck me like it's my last night in this world. Which it may well be.

Shae: And what do I get?

Tyrion Lannister: One, safety. No one will hurt you, for as long as you're mine. (sits down) Two, the pleasure of my company (smiles) Which I have heard is spectacular.

Shae: Who told you this- women you paid?

Tyrion Lannister: And, three- more gold than you could spend if you lived a thousand years. (pause) Do you accept my proposal?

Ser Jorah Mormont: [sees an infected and incoherent Khal Drogo] Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: Come. He's very strong. No one understands how strong he is.

Ser Jorah Mormont: [inspects the wound] He will die tonight, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: He can't. He can't. I won't let him.

Ser Jorah Mormont: Even a queen doesn't have that power. We must go quickly. I've heard there's a good port in Asshai.

Daenerys Targaryen: I won't leave him.

Ser Jorah Mormont: He's already gone, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: Even if he dies, why would I run? I am Khaleesi, and my son will be Khal after Drogo!

Ser Jorah Mormont: This isn't Westeros, where men honor blood. Here they only honor strength. There will be fighting after Drogo dies. Whoever wins that fight will be the new Khal. He won't want any rivals. Your boy will be plucked from your breast and given to the dogs.

Daenerys Targaryen: I won't leave him.

Jeor Mormont: When does Aemon thinkk you'll be able to use that hand?

Jon Snow: Soon, he says.

Jeor Mormont: Good- then you'll be ready for this, then. (picks up an ornate longsword with a white wolf's head for a pommel) I thought a wolf was more appropriate for you than a bear- so I had a new pommel made. It's called Longclaw- works as well for a wolf as a bear, I think. (holds the sword out to Jon, who takes it and half-draws it)

Jon Snow: (examining the blade)...This is Valyrian steel.

Jeor Mormont: (nods) It was my father's sword- and his father's before him. The Mormonts have carried it for five centuries. It was meant for my son, Jorah. He brought dishonor to our House, but he had the grace to leave the sword behind before he fled from Westeros. (turns away)

Jon Snow: My Lord, you honor me, but I can't-

Jeor Mormont: Oh, you can, and you will. (picks up his ale-cup, turns around) I wouldn't be standing here if it wasn't for you and your beast. (chuckles) Bloody dead man tried to kill me. So, you'll take it- and we'll hear no more about it. Understood?

Jon Snow: Yes, my Lord.

Jeor Mormont: (sits down) Now, don't think this means I approve of this nonsense between you and Alliser Thorne. That's a man's sword- take a man to wield it.

Jon Snow: ...I'll apologize to Ser Alliser tonight-

Jeor Mormont: No, you won't. I sent him to King's Landing yesterday. The hand that your wolf tore off that thing's wrist, I've... ordered Thorne to lay it at the feet of this... boy-king. That should get young Joffrey's attention- and, it puts a thousand leagues between you and Thorne. (Jon smiles) Now, go and put your sword somewhere safe- and bring me my supper.

Jon Snow: (sheathes Longclaw) Yes, my Lord. (walks out)

[Tyrion wakes up after the Battle of the Green Fork, having been accidentally knocked out by one of his own Hill Tribesmen]

Bronn: You're a shit warrior.

Tyrion Lannister: I'm alive?

Bronn: Aye, you're alive. (sheathes his sword)

Tyrion Lannister: Did we win?

Bronn: We wouldn't be having this conversation if we didn't. (they observe the Hill Tribes butchering the wounded and dying Northerners left on the battlefield. Tyrion tries to sit up, flinching in pain from his concussion)

Tyrion Lannister: How did our Tribesmen do?

Bronn: (raises his eyebrows, nods to the small slaughter going on around them) Yeah?... good.

Tyrion: It's nice to see them getting along.

Tywin Lannister: (rides up to Tyrion on his war-horse) You're wounded.

Tyrion Lannister: (sarcastically) Good of you to notice. (glances at Bronn) I hear we won.

Tywin Lannister: (scoffs) The scouts were wrong. There were two thousand Stark bannermen, not twenty.

Tyrion Lannister: (glances around) Did we get the Stark boy, at least?

Tywin Lannister: (impatiently) He wasn't here.

Tyrion Lannister: Where was he?

Tywin Lannister: With his other eighteen thousand men. (rides past)

Tyrion Lannister: (stunned at the scale of the trick Robb has played on them) And where are they?!

Rodrik Cassel: We should go, my Lady.

Catelyn Stark: No.

Rodrik Cassel: (impatiently) My Lady... (Suddenly, the Stark bannermen come charging out of the woods towards them, with Robb riding triumphantly at their head; Catelyn gives a sob of relief that they are victorious. Several Stark men dump Jamie Lannister on the ground before them, his hands bound)

Robb Stark: By the time they knew what was happening, it had already happened.

Jaime Lannister: Lady Stark, I'd offer you my sword, but, I seem to have lost it.

Catelyn Stark: It is not your sword I want. Give me my daughters back, give me my husband.

Jaime Lannister: I've lost them too, I'm afraid.

Theon Greyjoy: Kill him, Robb; send his head back to his father. He cut down ten of our men.

Robb Stark: He's more use to us alive than dead.

Catelyn Stark: Take him away and put him in irons.

Jaime Lannister: We could end this war right now boy, save thousands of lives. I fight for the Lannisters, you fight for the Starks. Swords, knives, teeth, nails; choose your weapon, and we can end this.

Robb Stark: If we did it your way, Kingslayer, you'd win. (Jaime grins) We're not doing it your way.

Jon Umber: (leads Jaime away) Come on, pretty man!

Robb Stark: I sent 2,000 men to their graves today.

Theon Greyjoy: The bards will sing songs of their sacrifice.

Robb Stark: Aye, but the dead won't hear them. [turns to address his army] One victory does not make us conquerers. Did we free my father? Did we free my sisters from the Queen? Did we free the North from those who'd have us on our knees? This war is far from over.

Aemon Targaryen: The gods were cruel when they saw fit to test my vow. They waited until I was old. What could I do when the ravens brought the news from the South? The ruin of my house. The death of my family. I was helpless, blind, frail, but when I heard they had killed my brother's son, and his poor son, and the children. Even the little children!

Jon Snow: Who are you?

Aemon Targaryen: My father was Maekar, the first of his name. My brother Aegon reigned after him, when I had refused the throne, and his son...was Aerys...whom they called "The Mad King."

Jon Snow: You're Aemon Targaryen.

Aemon Targaryen: I am a Maester of the Citadel, bound in service to Castle Black and the Night's Watch. I will not tell you to stay or go. You must make that choice yourself and live with it the rest of your days, as I have.

Eddard Stark: (as he is dragged through the crowds in chains, to the square before the Great Sept of Baelor, he spots Arya watching him from near the statue and warns Yoren as he passes) Baelor...Baelor! (Yoren spots Arya and moves to protect her; Eddard is marched up the steps to where Joffrey stands gloating, flanked by the Kingsguard. With Joffrey are Cersei, Sansa, Pycelle, Varys, Petyr Baelish, the Hound and Illyn Payne. The crowds are in uproar, but they gradually quiet) I am Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and Hand of the King. (hesitates, looks to Sansa, who nods encouragingly) I come before you to confess my treason, in the sight of Gods and men. I betrayed the faith of my King, and the trust of my friend, Robert. I swore to defend and protect his children, but before his blood was cold (pauses, swallows and continues the lie)... I plotted to murder his son, and seize the throne for myself. (the crowd erupts again; someone throws a stone at Eddard and knocks him off-balance, but the Hound helps him upright) Let the High Septon and Baelor the Blessed bear witness to what I say... (swallows, furious and ashamed at having to lie) Joffrey Baratheon is the one true heir to the Iron Throne (Joffrey looks triumphantly to Cersei, who smiles at him) By the grace of all the Gods, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm. (the crowds begin yelling again; Arya and Sansa both look frightened, Arya reaches for Needle. Pycelle steps forward and raises his hands in a placating gesture)

Pycelle: As we sin...so do we suffer. This man has confessed his crimes...in sight of Gods...and men. The Gods are just! But...beloved Baelor taught us... they can also be merciful. (looks to Joffrey, waiting for him to pardon and exile Ned) What is to be done with this... traitor, Your Grace? (the crowds begin shouting, but Joffrey raises his hand, smiling, and they fall silent)

Joffrey Baratheon: My mother wishes me to let Lord Eddard join the Night's Watch. Stripped of all titles and powers, he would serve the Realm in permanent exile. (looks to Sansa) And my Lady Sansa... has begged mercy for her father. (Sansa smiles hesitantly; Joffrey pauses and turns back to the crowd) But they have the soft hearts of women. So long as I am your King, treason shall never go unpunished! (Sansa looks scared again) Sir Illyn! (with savage relish) Bring me his head! (the crowds erupt again; Pycelle, Baelish and Varys look stunned)

Sansa Stark: NO! (As a Kingsguard holds her back, Cersei whispers frantically in Joffrey's ear, trying to stop him; Eddard stares up at Sansa in shock.) Someone stop him! NO! (Arya, horrified, gets down from the statue and tries to force her way through the crowd to her father, but Yoren catches her first. Two of the Kingsguard force Eddard to his knees as Sir Illyn comes up the steps, putting on a black hood. Varys frantically runs to Joffrey in an effort to stop him as well.)

Yoren: Don't look!

Arya Stark: Let me go! LET ME GO!

Yoren: Shut your mouth! Look at me! Look at me! (he pulls her close to his chest as Sir Illyn draws Eddard's own sword, Ice; Sansa is still screaming)

Sansa Stark: Stop him- STOP!

[Eddard looks all around him as Sir Illyn approaches; the sounds fade except for his breathing. He sees that Arya is no longer on the statue of Baelor, and, content that she is safe, bends his head forward as Sir Illyn raises the massive sword and swings. In the crowd, Arya looks up and sees birds flying away in response to the beheading; she closes her eyes in pain]

[Catelyn and Robb Stark have just learned of Ned's death]

Robb Stark: [half sobbing] I'll kill them all. Every one of them. I'll kill them all.

Catelyn Stark: My boy, they have your sisters. We have to get the girls back...and then we will kill them all.

Daenerys Targaryen: [furious] You knew what I was buying, and you knew the price!

Mirri Maz Duur: [unrepentant] It was wrong of them to burn my temple. It angered the Great Shepherd...

Daenerys Targaryen: This is not God's work. My child was innocent!

Mirri Maz Duur: Innocent? He would have been the stallion who mounts the world. Now he will burn no cities, now his Khalasar will trample no nations into dust.

Daenerys Targaryen: I spoke for you. I saved you!

Mirri Maz Duur: [scoffs] Saved me? Three of those riders had already raped me before you "saved" me, girl. I saw my God's house burn. There where I had healed men and women, beyond counting. In the streets, I saw piles of heads. The head of a baker, who bakes my bread. A head of a little boy that I cured of fever just three moons past. So, tell me again exactly what it was that you saved?

Daenerys Targaryen: Your life!

Mirri Maz Duur: Why don't you take a look at your Khal? Then you will see exactly what life is worth, when all the rest has gone.

[The Lannisters are stymied by Robb Stark's recent victories, and Jamie Lannister has been captured]

Tywin Lannister:...They have my son.

Tyrion Lannister: The Stark boy appears to be less green than we'd hoped.

Harys Swift: I'm told his wolf killed a dozen men and as many horses!

Addam Marband: Is it true about Stannis and Renly?

Kevan Lannister: Both Baratheon brothers have taken up against us. Jaime captured, his armies scattered...it's a catastrophe. (glances hesitantly in Tywin's direction) Perhaps we should sue for peace.

Tyrion Lannister: (knocks his glass to the floor, shattering it) There's your peace. Joffrey saw to that when he decided to remove Ned Stark's head. You'll have an easier time drinking out of that cup than you will bringing Robb Stark to the table now. He's winning, in case you hadn't noticed.

Kevan Lannister: I'm told we still have his sisters...

Harys Swift: The first order of business is ransoming Ser Jaime!

Addam Marband: No truces, we can't afford to look weak. We should march on them at once!

Kevan Lannister: First, we must return to Casterly Rock and raise more-

Tywin Lannister:(turns around, furious) THEY HAVE MY SON! (All fall silent) Get out, all of you. (The Westerland Lords leave quickly, Tywin sits down as Tyrion reaches the doorway) Not you. (Tyrion takes a seat, and reaches for the wine jug, but Tywin stops him, then pours wine for both of them) You were right about Eddard Stark; if he were alive, we could've used him to broker a peace with Winterfell and Riverrun... which would have given us more time to deal with Robert's brothers, but now? Madness, madness and stupidity! (pause) I always thought you were a stunted fool. Perhaps I was wrong.

Tyrion Lannister: Half wrong. (pause) I'm new to strategy, but unless we want to be surrounded by three armies, it appears we can't stay here.

Tywin Lannister: No one will stay here. Ser Gregor will head out with five hundred riders and set the riverlands on fire from Gods' Eye to the Red Fork. The rest of us will regroup at Harrenhal. (drinks) And you will go to King's Landing.

Tyrion Lannister: And do what?!

Tywin Lannister: Rule. You will serve as Hand of the King in my stead; you'll bring that boy-king to heel, and his mother too, if needs be. And if you get so much as a whiff of treason from any of the rest- Baelish, Varys, Pycelle-

Tyrion Lannister: Heads, spikes, walls. (Tywin nods) Why not my uncle? Why not anyone?! Why me?

Tywin Lannister: You're my son. (Tyrion stares at him, Tywin gets up and starts to leave, but pauses) Oh, one more thing. You will not take that whore to Court.

Varys: (enters the Throne Room to find Littlefinger staring up at the Iron Throne again) When you imagine yourself up there, how do you look? Does the crown fit? Do all the lords and ladies simper and bow- the ones who sneered at you for years?

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish: It's hard for them to simper and bow without heads.

Varys: A man with great ambition and no morals- I wouldn't bet against you.

Petyr Baelish: And what would you do, my friend, if you found yourself sitting up there?

Varys: (looks at the Iron Throne) I must be one of the few men in this city who doesn't want to be King.

Petyr Baelish: (smiles slightly) You must be one of the few men in this city who isn't a man.

Varys: (scoffs) You can do better than that. (turns away, Littlefinger follows him)

Petyr Baelish: When they castrated you, did they take the pillar with the stones? I've always wondered.

Varys: (amused) Have you? Do you spend a lot of time wondering what's between my legs?

Petyr Baelish: I picture... a gash, like a woman's. Is that about right?

Varys: I am flattered, of course, to be pictured at all.

Petyr Baelish: Must be strange for you, even after all these years- a man from another land, despised by most, feared by all-

Varys: (smiles, glances at Baelish) Am I? That is good to know. Do you lie awake at night, fearing my gash?

Petyr Baelish:- But you carry on, whispering in one King's ear, and then the next. (they stop near the entrance to the Throne room and size one another up) I admire you.

Varys: (nods) And I admire you, Lord Baelish. A grasper from a minor house, with a major talent for befriending powerful men- and women.

Petyr Baelish: (smiles) A useful talent, I'm sure you'd agree.

Varys: (nods, smiles) So- here we stand, in mutual admiration and respect. (bows his head slightly)

Petyr Baelish: (nods) Playing our roles.

Varys: (notices Joffrey entering the Throne Room and bows) Serving a new King.

Petyr Baelish: (To Varys) Long may he reign. (turns around and bows to Joffrey) My King!

Varys: (humorously) My King.

Joffrey Baratheon: (walks past them without stopping, flanked by the Kingsguard) My Lords. Shall we begin?

Jonos Bracken: The proper course is clear; pledge fealty to King Renly and move south to join our forces with his.

Robb Stark: Renly is not the king.

Galbart Glover: You cannot mean to hold to Joffrey, my lord. He put your father to death!

Robb Stark: That doesn't make Renly king. He's Robert's younger brother. Now Bran cannot be Lord of Winterfell before me, Renly cannot be king before Stannis.

Galbart Glover: Do you mean to declare us with Stannis?

Lord Karstark: Renly is not right! [The Stark and Tully bannermen begin to argue]

Greatjon Umber: My lords. MY LORDS! [all fall silent] Here's what I say to these two kings. [spits, drawing laughter from the men] Renly Baratheon is nothing to me, nor Stannis neither. Why should they rule over me and mine from some flowery seat in the south? What do they know of the Wall or the Wolfswood? Even their gods are wrong. Why shouldn't we rule ourselves again? It was the dragons we bowed to and now the dragons are dead. [draws his sword and points it to Robb] There sits the only King I mean to bend my knee to: the King in the North! [kneels]

Lord Karstark: I'll have peace on those terms. They can keep their red castle, and their iron chair too. [draws his sword and kneels] The King in the North.

Theon Greyjoy: Am I your brother, now and always?

Robb Stark: Now and always, Theon.

Theon Greyjoy: [draws his sword and kneels] My sword is yours, in victory and defeat, from this day until my last day.

Greatjon Umber: The King in the North!

Northern and Riverlords: The King in the North! [all drawing swords] The King in the North! THE KING IN THE NORTH!

Pyp: We're taking you back to where you belong.

Jon Snow: (gets off his horse) I belong with my brother.

Samwell Tarly: But we're your Brothers now!

Grenn: They'll kill you if they find out you've gone-

Jon Snow: And they'll kill you if they know you've come after me. Go back!

Pyp: Sam told us everything. We're sorry about your father-

Grenn: But it doesn't matter. You took the oath; you can't leave!

Jon Snow: I have to-

Grenn: You can't. You said the words-

Jon Snow: I don't care! I'm-

Samwell Tarly: "Hear my words, and bear witness to my vow."

Jon Snow: To Hell with all of you. (turns around, but Pyp blocks his way)

Pyp: "Night gathers, and now my Watch begins! It shall not end until my death! I shall live and die at my post!" (Jon glances around him as they each block his path)

Grenn: "I am the Sword in the darkness-"

All three: "The Watcher on the Walls, the Shield that guards the Realms of Men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come." (Sam offers Jon Longclaw; Jon finally takes it)

Jeor Mormont: (stares at his meal) Ham. How many days in a row must a man be expected to start his dinner with ham? Bring me some beer at least. (Jon pours ale) You look exhausted- was your moonlight ride that tiring? (Jon turns around slowly) Don't look so terrified. If we beheaded every man who ran away for the night, only ghosts would guard the Wall. At least you weren't whoring in Mole's Town. (Jon sets the mug of beer in front of him) Honor made you leave... and honor brought you back.

Jon Snow: My friends brought me back. (Mormont looks up at him)

Jeor Mormont: I didn't say it was your honor.

Jon Snow: They killed my father-

Jeor Mormont: (sharply) Oh, and you're gonna bring him back to life, are you? No? Good- we've had enough of that sort of thing. (gets up, walks past Jon to the fire) Beyond the Wall, Rangers are reporting whole villages abandoned. At night, they see fires blazing in the mountains from dusk until dawn. A captured Wildling swears that the tribes are uniting at some secret stronghold. To what ends... the Gods only know. (turns back to Jon) Outside Eastwatch, Cotter Pyke's men discovered four blue-eyed corpses- unlike us, they were wise enough to burn them. (pause) Do you think your brother's war is more important than ours?

Jon Snow: No.

Jeor Mormont: When dead men and worse come hunting for us in the night, you think it matters who sits on the Iron Throne?

Jon Snow: No.

Jeor Mormont: Good. Because I want you and your wolf with us when we ride out beyond the Wall tomorrow.

Jon Snow: Beyond the Wall?

Jeor Mormont: I'll not sit meekly by and wait for the snows. I mean to find out what's happening. The Night's Watch will ride in force, against the Wildlings, the White Walkers and whatever else is out there. And we will find Benjen Stark, alive or dead. I will command them myself, so I'll only ask you once, Lord Snow: are you a brother of the Night's Watch, or a bastard boy who wants to play at war?

Jorah Mormont: (after seeing Daenerys survive her husband's funeral pyre, and her three baby dragons hatch) Blood of my blood.'

Harvey Bullock: [to Gordon] Jim, you seem like a nice guy, but this is not a city or a job for nice guys.

Fish Mooney: You have a little danger in your eye. I wonder what you plan to do with that.

Jim Gordon: You'll have to wait and see.

Carmine Falcone: Pepper was sacrificed so that the people of Gotham would see swift justice done, so they can feel safe and secure.

Jim Gordon: And that matters so much to you.

Carmine Falcone: Of course. I'm a businessman. You can't have organized crime without law and order. I love this city, and I see it going to hell. But I won't let it fall apart without a fight.

Jim Gordon: You make a life of crime sound very noble.

Carmine Falcone: You have a hard head, James, just like your father. Don't be self-righteous. Don't be arrogant.

Jim Gordon: You want me to keep quiet about all this?

Carmine Falcone: Gotham is on a knife edge. What do you suppose bringing down City Hall and the police force will do, even if you could? Would it make things better?

Oswald Cobblepot: Listen to me, there is a war coming. A-a terrible war. Falcone is losing his grip, and his rivals are hungry. There-there will be chaos. Rivers of blood in the streets. I know it! I-I can see it coming.

Bruce Wayne: I'm learning to conquer fear.

Jim Gordon: Fear doesn't need conquering. Fear tells you where the edge is. Fear is a good thing.

Alferd Pennyworth: And you think I haven't told him that, have you?

Harvey Bullock: How now so righteous? Hmm? Not long since you put a man in the river.

Jim Gordon: You want to say that a little louder? Not everybody heard.

Harvey Bullock: Ever since then, you've been a royal pain in the ass. You think I or anybody around here gives a crap about a dead snitch or your guilty conscience?

Oswald Cobblepot: Foolish arrogance led me astray. But I learned my lessons. I'll be back, stronger and smarter than ever.

Sarah Essen: Look it, Jim, it's not like I can order you to break the law, but this is Gotham. You don't bend, you'll get broke.

Fish Mooney: I'll play this thing loyal and bide my time. But I swear, Butch, on my sainted mother's grave, some day soon, I am going to kill that old man with my bare hands and my teeth.

Butch Gilzean: I'll be holding your shoes.

Fish Mooney: [to Gordon] You're just a little sinner like the rest of us. I'm almost kind of sad about that.

Alfred Pennyworth: Bruce's father gave me very firm orders was him and his missus to die. Now, I will raise the boy the way his father told me to raise him.

Jim Gordon: Which is how?

Alfred Pennyworth: Trust him to choose his own course. He is, after all, a Wayne.

Sal Maroni: You see, Falcone is only the boss of Gotham because people believe he's the boss. That's what this Arkham thing is gonna change. People are gonna see that the emperor's got no clothes.

Sal Maroni: [looking at the video of a bishop being killed] See this, this is not good. [while making the sign of the cross] You can't go around killing priests. At least not in public.

Jim Gordon: No body? We calling this a murder?

Harvey Bullock: Call it a public service. Danzer was a bum. He got what he deserved. I'm gonna go get a Danish. That's what I deserve.

Jim Gordon: The city's sick. Sick in a way I hadn't realized.

Oswald Cobblepot: Hello, James. Old friend.

Jim Gordon: I should put a bullet in your head right now.

Oswald Cobblepot: And you would have every right to do so. But you won't, Jim Gordon, because you're a good man. You may very well be the last good man in Gotham, and that's why I want to help you.

Oswald Cobblepot: [to Gordon] Well, as you know, war is just politics by other means. And isn't politics just money, talking?

Jim Gordon: Talking about what?

Oswald Cobblepot: [smirking] Arkham, of course

Harvey Bullock: Ed, what you got?

Edward Nygma: I have a paradox for you.

Harvey Bullock: What?

Edward Nygma: Well, a paradox, Detective, is when you...

Harvey Bullock: I know what a paradox is, smart-ass.

Bruce Wayne: Bad dream.

Alfred Pennyworth: Oh. Was I in it?

Bruce Wayne: Not this time.

Richard Gladwell: [to a victim he's about to burn alive] You know if it were up to me, this would be over quick, without all the fuss. My father used to say, "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." But it's not up to me. And my customer specifically asked me to send a message. And you know what they say: The customer is always right.

Jim Gordon: Where is he? Where is Potolsky?

Isaac Steiner: Those hypocrites! Empty altruism will not erase what they've done. They must pay.

Jim Gordon: Who? Who must pay?

Isaac Steiner: WellZyn. Wayne Enterprises. Everyone will finally see them for what they are.

Jim Gordon: How? Where's Potolsky headed?

Harvey Bullock: What's 'altruism?'

Bruce Wayne: Could you pass me that blue folder over there?

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, I suppose as hobbies go, this is a damn sight better than grilling yourself like a bloody pork chop. Still, not particularly healthy, is it?

Bruce Wayne: Thank you.

Alfred Pennyworth: Are you listening to me?

Bruce Wayne: Y-yeah. yeah, for sure. I'll take a walk later. Thank you, Alfred.

Taylor Reece: WellZyn has no connection to this tragedy. We will vigorously pursue legal action against any individuals making assertions to the contrary.

Harvey Bullock: Do you think we push a button, or does she just rewind automatically?

Sal Maroni: What's your name again?

Oswald Cobblepot: Everyone here calls me Penguin, sir.

Sal Maroni: You don't like that name, huh? Yeah, well, you're wrong. It's a good name. Works for you.

Harvey Bullock: Where the hell have you been?

Jim Gordon: Personal business.

Harvey Bullock: You disappear in the middle of a case, you can't even tell me why?

Jim Gordon: That's what "personal" means.

Detective Dix: Gotham's golden rule, Harvey: No heroes.

Jim Gordon: Barbara... This city... the law, the crime here, they're all... twisted up in each other like a maze. I came here to be a cop. This city needs something else.

Harvey Bullock: I didn't realize this before. You're a hypnotist, right?

Dr. Marks: A hypnotherapist.

Harvey Bullock: Oh, therapist. It's a funny word, therapist. Can either mean "therapist" or "the rapist."

The Goat: Randall Milkie is undone. Gone. This body is moved by the Spirit of the Goat.

Harvey Bullock: Uh, we're going to go with Milkie. I've already done the paperwork.

Detective Dix: He always thinks he's the smartest one in the room.

Jim Gordon: I know, right?

Harvey Bullock: [annoyed] That's because I'm always in a room full of idiots.

Oswald Cobblepot: When you know what a man loves, you know what can kill him.

Sal Maroni: Um, I heard Vic Zasz tore up the G.C.P.D., tracking down Gordon. Did you catch him yet?

Carmine Falcone: We're working on it.

Sal Maroni: Well, good luck with that. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest man, huh?

Victor Zsasz: Hi, Jim. Relax. I'm supposed to take you in alive. Don Falcone wants to talk.

Jim Gordon: Tell Falcone we'll talk. But not today.

Victor Zsasz: Don't be that way. "Alive" is a very broad category. A man with no hands can still be alive.

Sarah Essen: Are you insane?

Jim Gordon: No. Maybe a little. Feels good.

Harvey Bullock: So I've been thinking. You're still a douchebag. But you have the moral high ground. So I'm gonna back your play, whatever it is. I figure I'm doomed anyhow. I might as well join the good guys.

Jim Gordon: Thank you.

Harvey Bullock: So what is your play? I mean, you got one, right? You said you had one.

Jim Gordon: Tomorrow morning, I'm arresting Falcone and the mayor for the framing of Mario Pepper. Conspiracy, POJ, Rico, the works.

Harvey Bullock: Well, that's a…that's a hell of a plan. You sit there with a panel of chimpanzees and a bucket of crack and come up with that one?

Jim Gordon: I figure whatever else happens, we'll stir things up. We might even make the papers.

Harvey Bullock: Oh, yeah, we're gonna make the papers, all right. We're gonna be dead in the streets in time for the evening edition.

Jim Gordon: Well, at least the people will know the truth. And we'll go out doing our jobs, enforcing the law.

Harvey Bullock: That's the best inspirational speech you got? Doing our jobs?

Jim Gordon: You don't have to join me.

Harvey Bullock: No, I'm game. Like I said, I'm doomed anyhow.

Richard Sionis: You see the man without the mask? Whoever kills him…is the victor.

Jim Gordon: Listen to me. I'm a cop. So far, you haven't broken any laws.

Richard Sionis: Let the games…begin.

Jim Gordon: One last chance! Nobody moves!

Richard Sionis: Oh. And I'll throw in a million dollar signing bonus.

Jim Gordon: Ah, crap.

Alfred Pennyworth: Don't you be scared.

Bruce Wayne: I'm not. I'm visualizing what I'm gonna do.

Alfred Pennyworth: 'Cause if you don't want to do this, there's no shame in it.

Bruce Wayne: There would be immense shame in it.

Fish Mooney: I grew up not too far from here. One bedroom, cold water. Just me and my mama. I used to sleep in a bed behind the curtain. It's where I would hide when I entertained men. And that's where I was when he killed her. One of Falcone's men. Didn't like the service. I hid there, silent, until morning. With my mama two feet away from me. That night, I made a promise.

Liza: To get revenge.

Fish Mooney: To never again be powerless. To never let any man, any man, be over me. This is about keeping that promise to that little girl.

Alfred Pennyworth: Don't you miss your mates?

Bruce Wayne: Not really. I've always found them kind of childish.

Alfred Pennyworth: Well, that's what they're meant to be, aren't they? That's what they do. Don't you want to be like a normal kid.

Bruce Wayne: I'm not sure. Define "normal" and make a good case for it.

Alfred Pennyworth: You're going to bloody school. Now start walking.

Bruce Wayne: Alfred? Can you teach me how to fight?

Alfred Pennyworth: Yes, Master Bruce. Yes, I can.

Oswald Cobblepot: [sniffing Mooney] Lilacs. Mmm. You smell good.

Fish Mooney: You don't.

Oswald Cobblepot: Snappy as ever. Oh! Well, good-bye then. Sorry you're grumpy with me. Well, reaching out in friendship is never wrong.

Butch Gilzean: Man, that dude's creepy.

Selina Kyle: (to Bruce) Hit me, and I'll let you kiss me.

[Selina picks up a vase]

Bruce Wayne: It's from the Chinese Ming dynasty. Five…five-hundred-years old.

Selina Kyle: You can get one just like it for $5 in Chinatown.

Bruce Wayne: There's plenty to eat in the kitchen. Alfred will be happy to fix you some...

Alfred Pennyworth: No, he won't be, will he? Because it's not a bloody hotel!

Selina Kyle: Why are you doing that?

Bruce Wayne: Training.

Seilna Kyle: Oh... like the boxing. So, if anyone mugs you with a diving board, you'll be ready, huh?

Alfred Pennyworth: I'm coming with you.

Harvey Bullock: All right. You're pretty handy for a valet.

Alfred Pennyworth: Butler, mate. I'm the butler.

Bruce Wayne: Why can't I call Alfred or Detective Gordon to let them know I'm okay?

Selina Kyle: Because we're disappearing. You got to be like smoke. Smoke doesn't make phone calls.

Selina Kyle: Let me ask you a question. What's up with all the weird homework about your mom and dad?

Bruce Wayne: I'm trying to understand why it happened.

Selina Kyle: There's no why. Bad stuff happens. You-you got to get over it.

Bruce Wayne: Maybe you're right.

Selina Kyle: Of course I'm right. You want to kiss me?

Bruce Wayne: No, thank you.

Alfred Pennyworth: You really scared me, Master Bruce. If you die... who employs butlers anymore?

Bruce Wayne: I know you. You're Mario Pepper's daughter.

Ivy Pepper: Yes. Who are you?

Bruce Wayne: I'm Bruce Wayne.

Ivy Pepper: [bitter] Yes, you are. Billionaire Bruce Wayne.

Selina Kyle: Stay cool, now, Ivy…

Ivy Pepper: I am cool! Why would you tell me to stay cool? Why are you telling me what to do?

Selina Kyle: I'm not. I'm just saying I don't want you to get mad at him. He's a friend.

Ivy Pepper: Why would I get mad at him? It's not his fault. [gives Bruce an accusing look] Is it? Did you kill my father? Did you make my mother cut her wrists?

Bruce Wayne: [stunned] No.

Ivy Pepper: Somebody did. Somebody did, but not him. What are you doing? Are you doing okay?

Bruce Wayne: I'm okay. And you?

Ivy Pepper: [agitated] I'm doing okay. How do I look?

Bruce Wayne: [a little stunned] You look good.

Selina Kyle: [to Ivy] Have you seen Clyde the fence around?

Ivy Pepper: Yeah, he's working out of the Factory on the Narrows. [looks to Bruce] He's cute, isn't he?

Selina Kyle: Yes, he is [takes Bruce by the arm and starts leaving] Uh, thanks, Ivy, good to see you. Uh…we got to go run and see Clyde.

Ivy Pepper: Oh. Okay, fine. Bye, then.

[Selina and Bruce walks away]

Selina Kyle: Keep. Moving.

Bruce Wayne: She's just a little girl. Why are you so scared of her? [looks back to Ivy]

Selina Kyle: [alarmed] Because she's scary! Don't look back!

Sarah Essen: You know I'd bring you back here in a second…if I could.

Jim Gordon: I know. It's all good, Captain.

Sarah Essen: You do look spiffy in the uniform.

Harvey Bullock: Yeah, if spiffy means dorky.

Jim Gordon: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sal Maroni: Let this be a lesson to you, yes?

Oswald Cobblepot: Yes, sir.

Sal Maroni: You're a smart monkey... but you're a monkey. And I'm the zookeeper.

Jim Gordon: What?

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: You're the famous detective Jim Gordon, aren't you?

Jim Gordon: That's my name. I'm not sure about "famous."

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: Notorious, then?

Jim Gordon: Nearer the mark.

Harvey Bullock: Hey, pal.

Royston: In a cow slip's bell I lie, there I crouch when owls do cry.

Harvey Bullock: All right. I can dig that.

Oswald Cobblepot: A simple phone call would resolve things, I'm sure.

Harvey Bullock: But, see, I like having you here. 'Cause I can sit at my desk and look at you. It's soothing. Like a bonsai tree.

Gabe: What's a bonsai tree?

Jim Gordon: [to Loeb] This is the first I've seen you down here with the rank and file. You must be desperate.

Commissioner Gillian Loeb: Follow me.

Harvey Bullock: [to Gordon] Really nice knowing you.

Commissioner Gillian Loeb: Bring your friend Bullock.

Harvey Bullock: [to Gordon] I hate you. I hate you.

Jack Gruber: Now I see the world for what it really is. An abandoned factory full of broken machines. Some-very few-can be fixed. Most... just have to be scrapped.

Harvey Bullock: What are you laughing at?

Jim Gordon: Ah, it's good to be back.

Harvey Bullock: Only a man from a lunatic asylum would say that. You're like a human roller coaster, except you only go down.

Edward Nygma: Wouldn't that make him more of an elevator?

Kristin Kringle: I believe you left this on my desk.

Edward Nygma: It's a riddle.

Kristin Kringle: It's a cupcake with a live bullet sticking out of it.

Edward Nygma: It's a riddle.

Kristin Kringle: It's menacing and weird and inedible.

Jim Gordon: I'm done being careful.

Harvey Bullock: You think you've been careful so far?

Jim Gordon: Men like Commissioner Loeb are never going to trust me.

Harvey Bullock: You think you've been careful so far?

Jim Gordon: So why play nice?

Harvey Bullock: You think... you've been careful so far?

Jim Gordon: Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Let's go grab a beer.

Harvey Bullock: Now you're messing with my mind. I need something stronger than a beer.

Butch Gilzean: Falcone's gonna have the whole city looking for us.

Alfred Pennyworth: Shall I get a broom then? Or would you rather continue crying over the shattered fragments of your young dreams?

Oswald Cobblepot: I bid you welcome to the official grand opening of my newest night spot!

Arnold Flass: Ah, Bullock, still dressing in the dark and smelling like a taphouse whore.

Jim Gordon: Sorry, Harv, I know you had a thing for her.

Harvey Bullock: I don't got a thing for nobody. My thing is for me.

Gertrud Kapelput: I am so proud of you. I could spit.

[Fish calls Maroni from a pay phone]

Fish Mooney: Hello, Sal.

Sal Maroni: Hey.

Fish Mooney: You sound surprised. Let me guess, your little friend Penguin told you I was dead.

Sal Maroni: As good as.

Fish Mooney: I'm just on vacation for awhile. I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was going to end up on top, but I got played. Turns out Penguin has been Falcone's man the whole time. They played us both for suckers.

Sal Maroni: Is that right?

Fish Mooney: Indeed. He told me himself right as I was about to gut him.

Sal Maroni: You understand why I might be skeptical, considering it's you telling me this.

Fish Mooney: Oh, wake up, dummy. You mean to tell me this whole time that you haven't suspected anything? That he hasn't made one slip that he's had to explain away? Or maybe even you wanted to believe his lies. But it still gnaws at you, the doubt.

Sal Maroni: Maybe a couple of times.

Fish Mooney: It's time for you to get your house in order, Salvatore. And remember who put you wise.

Edward Nygma: Good morning, Captain.

Sarah Essen: Morning, Ed.

Edward Nygma: The more you cut me, the bigger I grow. What am I?

Harvey Bullock: We're on a rooftop, Nygma. Don't tempt me.

Sarah Essen: Hey, don't stand so near the edge.

Harvey Bullock: You worried about me, Captain? You know I don't start drinking till noon.

Jim Gordon: You notice I don't ask you about your love life.

Harvey Bullock: My love life is an open book and a short and nasty one. But I'm working on the vic's friend in the phobia support group, and unless she's the killer, I think I'm in there.

Jim Gordon: You see why I don't ask?

Jim Gordon: How long have you been here?

Selina Kyle: Just last night…and a couple times before. I knew your girlfriend was gone, and I heard that you got sent to guard that loony bin, so I figured better here than sleeping on the street.

Jim Gordon: Have you seen Barbara?

Selina Kyle: No. Oh, so things are over between you two, huh? Sure you should be here, then? Maybe you're the one breaking in.

Jim Gordon: Get your things. I'm taking you someplace safe.

Selina Kyle: "Someplace safe", like Wayne Manor? That was your last great idea.

Jim Gordon: So someplace else. You're still the only witness to the Wayne murders.

Selina Kyle: Hmmm. You haven't talked to Bruce since you got back?

Jim Gordon: No, why?

Selina Kyle: Because I told him already. I didn't see anything. I lied. [pause] Sucks about your girlfriend. She's got some really nice stuff.

Oswald Cobblepot: Can I help you?

Edward Nygma: I don't think so. Can you?

Oswald Cobblepot: What do you want?

Edward Nygma: What I want, the poor have, the rich need, and if you eat it you'll die.

Oswald Cobblepot: Is this…are you asking me a riddle?

Edward Nygma: Do you like riddles?

Oswald Cobblepot: No.

Edward Nygma: So do you give up?

Oswald Cobblepot: Friend, lookit…

Edward Nygma: Nothing. The answer's nothing. The poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it you'll die.

Oswald Cobblepot: Who are you?

Edward Nygma: Edward Nygma.

Jonathan Crane: I'm not-I'm not even afraid like you.

Gerald Crane: We're all afraid. Every man and woman on the planet. We're all standing on the abyss, paralyzed by fear.

Oswald Cobblepot: One day soon, you'll need my help. You'll come to me. And walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

Jim Gordon: Three dates, and I still haven't been to your apartment.

Leslie Thompkins: Well, what particular room in my apartment are you interested in?

Jim Gordon: Oh, I don't know. How's the kitchen?

Leslie Thompkins: Small.

Jim Gordon: Living room?

Leslie Thompkins: Dark.

Jim Gordon: What about the bedroom?

Leslie Thompkins: The bedroom I think you'd like.

Bruce Wayne: Well, Alfred... we can only stay if you think you can handle it.

Alfred Pennyworth: If I can handle it? Mate, this place is positively cushy compared to some of the place I've slept at. Cup of tea, you cheeky monkey?

Jim Gordon: Do you know why you're here?

Jerome Veleska: Did you find out who killed my mother?

Jim Gordon: You killed your mother, Jerome.

Jerome Veleska: [stunned] Me?

Jim Gordon: You killed her up on that hill, and Mr. Cicero let you clean up in his trailer. He told you to scratch the Satanist stuff on the hatchet, and throw it off the bridge.

Jerome Veleska: Sir, that's absurd, and offensive.

Jim Gordon: But it's the truth. [looking at Cicero] What I don't know is why this man risked so much to help you. I think he's your father.

Jerome Veleska: You don't know what you're talking about. My father was a sea captain.

Jim Gordon: Am I wrong, Mr. Cicero?

Paul Cicero: Yes.

Jerome Veleska: He was a sea captain. His name was Sven Carlson, and he died at sea.

Jim Gordon: What was the name of his ship?

Jerome Veleska: He worked on a lot of different ships.

Jim Gordon: The one he went down in.

Jerome Veleska: [pause] She never said.

Jim Gordon: We can do a blood test to prove I'm right. It takes only half an hour to get a foolproof result. Isn't that right, Dr. Thompkins?

Leslie Thompkins: That's right.

Jim Gordon: Save yourself a needle.

Paul Cicero: I do hate needles. I'm sorry, Jerome.

Jerome Veleska: What are you talking about?

Paul Cicero: He's right. I am your father.

Jerome Veleska: No you're not! Why would you say that?

Paul Cicero: You must have suspected the truth.

Jerome Veleska: You're not my father. My mother would never have…

Paul Cicero: Your mother was a cruel woman. She was often unkind to me. But she did once love me, in her way. And she loved you very much. That's why she gave you a better father.

[Jerome starts crying; then, suddenly, he begins laughing, and looks at Cicero with a sadistic smile on his face]

Jerome Veleska: My mother was a coldhearted whore who never loved anyone, and she'd never touch a pathetic old creep like you.

Paul Cicero: All these years, do you think I was kind to you because I'm such a good man? If I wasn't your father…would I would have helped you as I have after what you did?

Jerome Veleska: [pause] My father. Hmmm, I'll be damned. That's very funny. [laughs and makes a rimshot noise] Looks like the bitch got me with the zinger in the end.

Jim Gordon: Why did you kill your mother, Jerome?

Jerome Veleska: Oh, you know how mothers are. She just…kept…pushing. And I'm like, "Fine, mom, be a whore. Be a drunken whore, even. But don't be a nagging drunken whore…you know? Don't come yell at me to do the dishes…if you've been banging a clown in the next room! [punches the table] You know? [laughs maniacally]

Leslie Thompkins: There are plenty of things in this world that can't be explained by rational science.

Jim Gordon: Yeah, people who enjoy folk dancing, for instance. Doesn't mean ghosts exist.

Leslie Thompkins: You say you want a strong woman to share this crazy life you've chosen, but when push comes to shove, you want me to stay home and bake cookies.

Jim Gordon: Not cookies, necessarily. Pie. Any kind of pie.

Leslie Thompkins: Ha, ha!

Sarah Essen: Wait, back up a little. So you set the snake loose?

Jim Gordon: Yes, ma'am.

Sarah Essen: To track down the body?

Jim Gordon: Yes, ma'am. 'Cause snakes have an excellent sense of smell.

Sarah Essen: Well, now I know. And your prime suspects are a clown and an acrobat?

Jim Gordon: Yep.

Harvey Bullock: Ain't this one a doozy?

Jim Gordon: Hey. Sorry the date went south.

Leslie Thompkins: Are you kidding? Best date ever. Who gets to see a circus brawl?

Barbara Kean: You know, you're turning into quite a beautiful woman.

Selina Kyle: No, I'm not.

Barbara Kean: Remove the dirt, that old hood, those ratty clothes…I bet we find a princess underneath.

Oswald Cobblepot: Perhaps it's not our friends but... our enemies that define us.

Reggie Payne: The faces. I see them at night... when I'm alone. The faces... the faces of those we killed. Do you?

Alfred Pennyworth: I don't have to look for them, Reg. They find me.

Reggie Payne: He has nothing concrete. Just faces, newspaper articles. There's no grounds for an investigation, just suspicion, cobbled together theories…nothing.

Molly Mathis: Has he had outside council?

Reggie Payne: I don't think so.

Molly Mathis: And his caretaker, Mr. Pennyworth?

Reggie Payne: He's in the hospital.

Molly Mathis: For how long?

Reggie Payne: If he lives, a few weeks, give or take. [with difficulty] Now's the time to make a move on the kid.

[the board members leave, except for Mathis, who hands Reggie an envelope filled with cash]

Molly Mathis: Thank you for your service, Mr. Payne. I doubt we'll meet again.

Reggie Payne: He's just a kid…a good kid.

Molly Mathis: Goodbye, Mr. Payne.

Barbara Kean: You're a true beauty. Something you can use to your advantage. Your appearance can be a weapon, as powerful as any knife or gun.

Selina Kyle: Yeah? What good's it done you?

Arnold Flass: I'm just like the phoenix. I'll just rise again and again and again.

Bruce Wayne: And then I looked at the stars, and considered how awful it would be for a man to turn his face up to them as he froze to death, and see no help or pity in the glittering multitude..

Harvey Bullock: You sure about this, Penguin? You're telling me this is where Loeb keeps twenty years of dirty secrets? Doesn't feel right.

Jim Gordon: Well, maybe that's the point. No one would suspect it.

Oswald Cobblepot: Which would you prefer, Detective Bullock? A sign saying "Super secret blackmail hoard"?

Harvey Bullock: You know, the last time the three of us took a ride, you were in the trunk. I liked that better.

Harvey Bullock: You tell yourself, "I'll just do this one bad thing. All the good things I'll do later will make up for it." But they don't.

Fish Mooney: I've gone great lengths to meet you, Doctor.

Dr. Francis Dulmacher: Indeed you have. I must say you have a remarkable constitution. I wish I could say that same of all my patients.

Fish Mooney: Oh. So I'm a patient now? No longer a prisoner?

Dr. Francis Dulmacher: I confess I don't know what you are. You seize control of the basement, take one my guards hostage, then scoop out your own eye. What am I to do with you?

Leslie Thompkins: New case?

Jim Gordon: Sort of. It's an unsolved homicide that a uni asked me to look into. It's an odd one.

Leslie Thompkins: Ooh, how so?

Jim Gordon: I thought you were hungry.

Leslie Thompkins: What can I say? You had me at homicide.

Jim Gordon: Harvey, the victim deserves justice.

Harvey Bullock: Yeah, and I deserve a mute supermodel who likes pasty Irish guys and loves to cook. It's not happening.

Fish Mooney: Every night when I close my eyes, I pray to God that the nightmare doesn't come. That living, breathing man stitched together with arms and legs that weren't his. That nightmare you created. I've faced dangerous men, but none like you…Dollmaker.

Francis Dulmacher: So, you would rather take your own life than end up one of my creations?

Fish Mooney: Yes.

Francis Dulmacher: Well, Ms. Mooney, try anything like this again, and your nightmare will come true. I will bring you back from the dead if I have to, and make you into something the world has never seen.

Gabe: I still don't get. Why all this trouble for this pile of bricks?

Oswald Cobblepot: This was never about money, Gabe.

Gabe: Not about money? What else is there?

Oswald Cobblepot: All kinds of things motivate people. Lust, ambition, envy.

Gabe: Okay. What motivated you? Why do you want this place so bad?

Oswald Cobblepot: It's simple: This is where I'm going to kill Don Maroni.

Selina Kyle: Could've smashed your head in with a brick, you know?

Bruce Wayne: Why would you do that? Why'd you even say that?

Selina Kyle: Just thought you should know.

Leslie Thompkins: I do like that you think of me as a loved one.

Jim Gordon: I do. I love you.

Leslie Thompkins: It only took a serial killer to get you to say that.

Edward Nygma: I can start a war, or end one. I can give you the strength of heroes, or leave you powerless. I can be snared with a glance, but no force can compel me to stay. What am I?

Tom Dougherty: You got me.

Edward Nygma: Love.

Oswald Cobblepot: You tell Sal it's over. The guns are bought. The killing room is waiting. He doesn't know it, but he's a dead man.

Jason Lennon: The person that I am now, I created. I brought him into being. I can do the same for you. Aren't you tired of playing games? Of hiding?

Selina Kyle: [waltzing with Bruce] Everyone's staring at us.

Bruce Wayne: Well, I am Bruce Wayne. [Selina shakes her head in exasperation] Well, I am!

Jason Lennon: Barbara, I love you. I love you like no one has ever loved you, but if you try to escape I will chain you to the ceiling and gut you.

Jason Lennon: You still don't believe I love you. You think I'm crazy. That's fine. I see the truth. I see your truth. I see that you've spent your whole life trying to kill it, but you can't-it's too strong. You revealed it to me the other night. I want to set that free, I want to set you free.

Leslie Thompkins: I would never try to change you, Jim. Your sense of mission-it's part of what I love about you.

Jim Gordon: I thought it was my devastating good looks. That's a joke.

Sally: [of the Ogre] Promise me, when you find him, don't arrest him. Kill him.

Jim Gordon: You got it.

Kristen Kringle: I mean, why do I keep picking creeps?

Edward Nygma: Sometimes, with men, you need to read between the lines.

Kristen Kringle: Sometimes, with men, you need a drink.

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] Still looking for clues, sir? Or just breaking stuff?

Sal Maroni: Guys! Can you feel the buzz in the air? That's victory. Redemption. Power! When this old man dies, a new day begins. We will rule Gotham. We are building a dynasty. We will whip this town like a rented mule.

Carmine Falcone: That was your father's. He gave it to me a long time ago. A spur-of-the-moment birthday gift. I said no. Such a beautiful knife, and I have men with guns to protect me. He said take it. A knife is a good friend when you have no other.

Jim Gordon: You were that close.

Carmine Falcone: At one time. The point of the story, Jim-your father was the most honest men I ever met. But he carried a knife.

Oswald Cobblepot: I'm going to take your place, old man. I'm going to be king of Gotham!

Carmine Falcone: You? Never. You're going to burn in hell!

Oswald Cobblepot: I do worry about that. But you first, old friend. You first.

Oswald Cobblepot: [after defeating Mooney] I'm the king of Gotham... I'm the king of Gotham!

Bellick: We don't need you. We are on these guys' trail and it's just a matter of time 'til we nail them.

Agent Mahone: The problem I find with being on a trail is that by definition, you'll always be behind your prey.

Abruzzi: These trousers are a little bit too short. Don't you think?

Lincoln: Chop your feet off. You're good at that.

Sucre: This jacket isn't exactly the best thing, you know what I'm saying?

Michael: You want variety? Hit Target.

Agent Mahone:[Addressing reporters at a press conference following the escape] I'd like to uhh... Talk about John Wilkes Booth for a moment here if I could. Abraham Lincoln's killer. Twelve days, that's how long it took to find him. In his journal during that period he wrote that the shadow was his friend, the night his domain. He acknowledged that whatever neurosis drove the criminal to commit the original crime is compunded, magnified, by flight. By the sounds of dogs at his heels. Fortunately for us, while our quarry has night and shade as their their ally we have something far greater: television. I would encourage everyone who is watching, everyone one in this country to take a good look at these faces. [Points at the pictures of the escapees placed on a board] These men right here are now the eight-most wanted men in America.

Agent Ives: The warden down at Fox River called, asking to be kept in the loop. What should I tell him?

Agent Mahone: Tell him he's no longer in it.

Agent Mahone: I really do, professionally speaking, have a lot of admiration for Lincoln and Michael.

L.J.: Cool. Now we are buddies.

Agent Mahone: You know, for someone who's so convinced that the government is capable of so many underhanded things, you sure are playing fast and loose with me.

L.J.: What are you gonna do, throw another fake murder charge on me?

Lincoln: [to L.J., on the phone] On the third, look out for Otis Wright. Until then, keep your head up.

Lincoln: [to Michael] If this doesn't work out and you end up going back to Fox River, I ain't coming to get you. I mean, you are the brains and I am the brute.

Lincoln: Man, it's quiet out here. Inside, there was always noise, you know? Someone yelling, guards making rounds... I got used to it.

Michael: You're right. We should go back.

[Both start laughing]

Michael: Breaking out was just the beginning, now it gets a little more interesting.

Lincoln: Mmm hmm. 'Cos me being strapped into an electric chair wasn't interesting enough.

Lincoln: The car could blow any second, Michael.

Michael: Well, the Feds are going to be here in about two minutes. If it doesn't look like we're dead, we will be. Rock, paper, scissors?

[Lincoln starts to walk towards the car]

Michael: Linc!

Lincoln: It's my turn.

Governor Tancredi: Sara. I paid your bail.

Sara: You took your time.

Governor Tancredi: I'm the governor. I do have things to do...

Sara: Go to hell, dad.

Bellick: I knew the little whore would take us right to 'em.

Kellerman: [to Sara] This really is like the best pie I've ever had. [pause] Do you know what it needs, though?

Sara: Hmm?

Kellerman: Some crack.

Sara: [laughs]

Kellerman: No... you know... not a lot... a pinch.

Sara: A pinch of crack?

Kellerman: A pinch of crack. A pinch of crack, a dollop of smack... mmm... that's good pie.

Sara: That's so wrong.

Sara: [answers her cell phone] Hello.

Michael: Sara. It's me.

Sara: [walks away from Kellerman] What do you want?

Michael: I don't have time to talk and there's every chance that they're listening to this call right now, but there's a lot I want to say. Please don't hang up on me.

Sara: I don't...I don't want to talk to you.

Michael: [rest forehead against the wall] I heard about...I heard about what happened, and I want you to know...I want you to know how sorry I am for everything.

Sara: Sorry's not going to do me a whole lot of good with what I'm up against right now.

Michael: Listen, anyone with any ties to me and my brother is in danger now.

Sara: I have no ties to you and your brother anymore.

Michael: There's a way I can protect you. It's already in your possession.

Sara: [running her hands through her hair] What are you talking about?

Michael: It was real, Sara. You and me, it's real [pause and then hangs up].

Sara: Michael? [Kellerman looks up]

Abruzzi: I kneel only to God. I don't see him here.

Kellerman: [to Sara] I've got skeletons in my closet too, and one of them wears a dress.

Michael (to T-bag walking on the street): Hey Pretty!

Michael: Tell me that's not what I know it is.

T-Bag: Oh it is. But don't worry. Before I destroyed it I committed it to my photographic memory. I would have tattooed it to my body but I didn't have the time.

T-Bag: Don't you feel all warm inside now that we're all working together?

Michael: We're not working together. You're just here to lend a hand.

Lincoln: Before or after Sheep Road?

[silence]

Michael: What's the matter, Theodore, did you forget?

T-Bag: How could I forget a road called Sheep?

Store clerk: Maybe I know your grandpa... What's his name?

Tweener: His name is Grandpa!

Agent: Do you think he's a genius or a whack job?

Mahone: I think we answered that question when we assigned 100 agents to the case.

Lincoln: The ranch is gone Michael.

Michael: Well the 5 million may not be.

T-Bag: And you gonna find it how? What, you got a divining rod tattooed on your ass?

Michael: I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH OTHER THAN WHAT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY SPITS OUT REGARDING THAT MAP!

T-Bag: You watch your tone with me, boy.

Michael: I'll watch you get tossed to the side of the road to fend for yourself, boy. Because if you can't remember where that silo was, you're worthless to us.

Michael:You see these 2 trees? They're shorter than the rest. They were all planted at the same time. But those 2 didn't get as much sunlight.

Lincoln: Something was in their way.

Michael: The silo. Our money should be right there, under that garage.

T-Bag: You better be right, boy.

Michael: This isn't a high end subdivision. They slapped this place up overnight. The silo's foundations might still be there. To save money they probably just laid that concrete for the garage floor right on top of it. We'll dig straight down. If we hit the foundation, we stay. If not, we go.

Jeanette: A systems what?

Michael: Its a systems diagnostics test. Footage from our gopher's cam picked up exactly where your line was... corrupted.

Jeanette: And who corrupted it? You guys?

Michael: Maybe. All I know is that my supervisor called and said that he wants me and my crew to get over here and fix that problem double quick, double time.

Jeanette: So, you're not with the electric company?

Michael: No, ma'am. Now feel free to call your company, but I should tell you all they'll do is send over some tech. Maybe tomorrow, if you're lucky. And he'll spend a whole day trying to find the problem and another day trying to fix it. But we're here right now. And we're ready to turn your juice back on.

Jeanette: (interested) My juice?

Michael: That's right.

T-Bag: We really need to get started ma'am. Wouldn't want a pretty little thing like yourself sittin' in the dark tonight, now would we?

Jeanette: Well that depends on who I'm sitting with.

T-Bag: Touché!

C-note: (To Michael) What's up, snowflake?

Michael: Well as always your timing is flawless

C-note: I don't follow.

Michael: Lemme try and explain it to you. We're trying to run something here. We can't have people walking in from the street.

C-note: Oh! Oh ok, so you want us to leave and then you can just mail us the check?

Michael: (walking over to Fernando Sucre) Sucre, I know you trust me. And you know I'll cut you in on that money. But the two of you being here right now jeopardizes everything.

Sucre: I'm not going nowhere. I want my share of the money.

C-note: Ok man, hold on man. Ain't we did this dance before? Y'know I say I want in. You say no. Then I threaten to tell somebody about what's going on here. And then you decide to play nice and we're one big happy family! Why don't we just stop wasting time, alrite?

C-note: Hey man, you still alive?

T-Bag: And kicking, homeboy.

Jeanette: Could you do something for me?

T-Bag: I'm certain of it.

Jeanette: Come here. (whispers) only you have to be very discreet.

T-Bag: They don't come any discreeter.

Jeanette: You know that big guy? The strong guy that doesn't speak much? Would you go in there and ask him if he would like to have a drink with me after he punches out, please?

T-Bag: [to Michael](referring to Jeanette) She's got the hots for the big, strong one!

Lincoln: (after disarming the lady cop) Let's be civil. Stop. Relax. Here you go.

Michael: Why couldn't it just be a silo? In the middle of a field with no one around?

Lincoln: Figure it out. We can get the money another way.

Michael: Yeah, maybe I can rob another bank. You know what Charles once said to me? He said there's no such thing as an ex-con. Because I used to think there was a way we could wipe the slate clean. Make up for everything we've done. The hat's over the wall, Linc. For everyone.

Sara: Hey Bruce

Bruce: Oh hi, Sara

Sara: I'm trying to get a hold of dad, I need to reach him on his cell.

Bruce: He actually just landed. Should be home soon. I don't know if he's gonna be in much of a mood to talk, though.

Sara: Why?

Bruce: Your father got a call from the White House. They withdrew his nomination.

Sara: What?! I talked to him 2 hours ago, he didn't say anything about that.

Bruce: It just happened. According to them, his confirmation was going to be a problem.

Sara: We had the votes, right?

Bruce: Super majority.

Sara: Ok, so, president Reynolds pulled the plug on a sure thing in order to start over from scratch? How often does something like that happen in politics?

Bruce: Never.

Lincoln: Since when did we become kidnappers? That ain't right.

Michael: Well, we can buy a conscience tomorrow.

Lincoln: Well yeah, closing your eyes ain't gonna make it go away.

Michael: I'll take 5 minutes of a situation I can control over 50 years of one I can't anyday.

C-Note: Why don't you get down in that hole and dig, man.

T-Bag: How 'bout you backin' up, dark fella?

C-Note: You're a long way away from home, trailer park. I can put you in that hole and nobody'd ever hear you scream

Patoshik: You don't move around too well, do ya?

Lincoln: You can still come with me.

Michael: No, I can do this.

Lincoln: And if you can't?

Michael: Then we still meet up. Exactly where we planned.

Lincoln: Bolshay Booze.

Michael: Bolshoi.

Lincoln: Bolshoi. L.J's gonna be with me.

Michael: You remember how to get there?

Lincoln: How can I forget?

Michael: Thursday night. 6 o clock. It's our last shot. If we do this right, we're gone - forever.

Lincoln: Lotta ground to cover in 3 days.

Michael: Lotta ground.

Lincoln: All right. Take care. (hugging Michael)

Michael: They'll be gunning for you. They'll get you any way they can so...

Lincoln: Yup!

Michael: Tell L.J. Tell him I said there'll be a surf board with his name on it.

Lincoln: Nice.

Sara: My father's not a suicidal man.

Lady Cop: What were you in for?

Sucre: I don't wanna talk, lady.

Lady Cop: I'm a prisoner in my own house. Least you can offer me is a little conversation. Alrite, just let me know when I hit it. Murder? Rape? Kidnapping? Sexual abuse? Child sexual abuse?

Sucre: Aggravated robbery.

Agent Mahone: Are you Catholic?

Agent Mahone: Not much good on it. Lot of guilt. But the one good thing is confession. Whatever you got eat in on you, you just give it up. Feels good I have to say, guess is letting it out, letting another human being hear.

Tweener: I have nothing to say, man.

Agent Mahone: What if I told you something, secret nobody else knows. Oscar Shales. Guy I was chasing a few years back. Smart as hell. I kept just missing him. Became kind of a game like chess. Would have almost been fun if it wasn't for the fact that he were killing people all along the way. Bodies kept stacking up and I started to feel that it was because of me because I couldn't do my job, because I wasn't smart enough. Never did catch him, but I did lose it. Saw things when I was driving at night. Bodies. Nightmares to the point that I couldn't sleep. It was a complete break from reality.

Agent Mahone:That's what these little guys are for. Keep me in the game. So now you know. Now it's off my chest. Oughta try it sometime.

Tweener: Like I said before, I ain't gonna tell you nothing.

Agent Mahone:We were talking about confession earlier and I think I owe you an apology because I lied to you about Oscar Shales. Smart-ass just kept pushing it. I snapped. Right there.

Agent Mahone:That's where I put the bullet in him.

Tweener:I don't care about none of this.

Agent Mahone:The thing about that is that forensics will tell the whole tale. Powder burns. The gun was right against his head.

Tweener: Yo, sir. I think we should go back in...

Agent Mahone: See that's what's good about confession. You know, because you say something, you get it off your chest and it just goes out there into the whole world and I'm so sorry about this kid because I really hope you understand.

Tweener: Know what? You were right. Does feel good to get stuff off your chest. Sorry I had to play you like that, bro.

Tweener: Yo, yo. What... What...

Agent Mahone: I got nothing against you kid...

Tweener: What are you doing man?

Agent Mahone: but they do.

Michael: So this is how its gonna go down. After everything? Once a thief always a thief.

Sucre: You just figuring that out?

Sara: Making sure it doesn't look like I did it! People will ask questions if the day the governor was found killing himself, his daughter is found dead in what looks like a struggle.

Michael: Adios amigos, huh?

Sucre: What, too much?

Michael: You were great.

Sucre: (to Michael) Its gonna be OK, rite? I mean, if you can get eight people of prison, you can get my Puerto Rican ass out of this, rite? Can't you?

Agent Kim: What does an origami bird have to do with any of this?

Kellerman: Michael Scofield sent it to her? And since your brilliant plan to eliminate Sara Tancredi from the equation failed so completely -

Agent Kim: - I wouldn't say it failed completely...

Kellerman: There's a dead woman in a phonebooth. Civilian. Certain number of bodies you can sweep under the rug. President's rug is getting so full you can barely stand on it.

Sucre: Look Michael, I understand if you have to keep going, you know?

Michael: Just shut up. I'm not going anywhere.

Sucre: No, no, just think about it -

Michael: You know, if I leave, you drown.

Sucre: No, I know I just...

Michael: The water level's getting higher, Sucre. How many seconds can you hold your breath? 45? 60? That's how long you've got to live if I take off.

Sucre: How long have you got if you stay? How long 'til the dogs lead the cops to you?

Michael: What you're suggesting is not an option.

Sucre: Look, I ain't tryin' to be a hero or nothin'. We both know there's only two things that can happen now. Leave me here, or we both get caught.

Sucre: They say people come into your life for a reason. Maybe my reason was to help you get out of Fox River, you know? To help you save your brother.

Michael: No

Sucre: Its okay, Papi. Let me go.

Sucre: Hey, Petey. Uh, its me. Listen, I've got something to tell you.

Petey: Yeah well I was wondering when you were gonna call.

Sucre: Yeah a lot has come down since we talked, uh...

Petey: Yeah, I know. I heard. You ruined it!

Sucre: Yeah, uh, you heard already?

Petey: Well, brother, everybody's heard man. And let me tell you something man, Hector is pissed!

Sucre: What does Hector have to do with it?

Petey: Well, it was his wedding! Wait man, what are you talking about?

Sucre: Your bike. What are you talking about?

Petey: The wedding.

Sucre: What about the wedding?

Petey: Well you know the part where you say "I do"? Maricruz said "I don't".

Sucre: She did?

Petey: Left homeboy standing at the altar holding his spam in his hands, if you know what I'm saying. What were you telling me about my bike?

(Sucre hangs up)

Sucre: At the river. I told you to leave me behind.

Michael: Yeah, I tried but you know I got tangled up in the rope so...

L.J.: Lemme get this straight. You paid that meth head to whoop my ass?

Lincoln: Yeah. Feds waiting for me to come get you. It worked didn't it?

L.J.: Yeah, it got me four stitches!

Sara: There's one more bird.

Lincoln: Listen, all the charges against you have been dropped. Free and clear to start a new life, a good life. Not constantly running and looking over your shoulder -

L.J.: You want me to leave?

Lincoln: No... no.

L.J.: Good. 'Cause I'm not.

L.J.: Hey, I'm not an idiot. I was on the run too, you know.

Lincoln: Yeah, you were on the run. And you got caught.

L.J.: Yeah, well I'm sorry I'm not a pro at being a con like you, dad!

Lincoln: I saw you checking out those girls back at the diner.

L.J.: What?

Lincoln: C'mon. 'fess up.

L.J.: I was just making sure they weren't staring at us.

Lincoln: With what? Their asses? Beautiful girls in Panama. They love Americans.

L.J.: Cool.

Lincoln: So, how long have you known about girls?

L.J.: Long enough.

Lincoln: Since when?

L.J.: 13

Lincoln: 13. With who?

L.J.: Donna Ensalmy

Lincoln: She was the kid next door. She was about f-

L.J.: Four years older than me?

Lincoln: Your mom was paying her for French lessons.

L.J.: Well, she earned the money.

Agent Mahone: Pam, I really can't talk right now.

Michael: Maybe I should call back.

Agent Mahone: Who is this?

Michael: I think you already know.

Agent Mahone: If you've done anything to Pam or my boy...

Michael: We both know your family's fine, although Pam did seem a little upset about you leaving. But then you had to, didn't you? Because you couldn't let her find out.

Agent Mahone: Find out about what?

Michael: Oscar Shales. You remember? The one that got away. Except he didn't get too far, did he?

Agent Mahone: Ah, you're slippin' Scofield.

Michael: Maybe. Let's hypothesize for a moment. Let's pretend I was the one who caught Shales. I don't think I could've just handed that psychopath over to the court. Not after he'd eluded me for so long. Made me look bad.

Agent Mahone: You been out in the sun way too long, boy.

Michael: You feds make a nice living. But not so nice you go around tearing up expensive sod. Not unless you had to do a little digging. Not unless you had to hide something. Or someone. That's what all the lye was about, wasn't it? See because there are two kinds of lye. In small amounts the first one can be a gardener's best friend. In large bags the other kind decomposes bodies.

Agent Mahone: Ah, you should write mystery novels.

Michael: I don't know about you, but if I'd buried someone in my own backyard, I'd think about it all the time. I'd think... I'd think maybe I should move that body. But then I'd remember that DNA leaches into soil. So even when the body was gone the proof of what I'd done would still be there. I can imagine how it feels. The pressure. The constant fear. Its more than a man can bear. I'm giving you a chance. Back off. Let me and my family disappear. And in return, I'll keep your little secret. How does that sound?

Agent Mahone: Like a dead man talking.

Michael: I know its not how you wanted us to play out. But sometimes things happen that are just... out of your control. This is one of those times. Take care of yourself.

Agent Mahone: I'll see you soon Michael.

Agent Mahone: Oh! and Michael,it just maybe sooner than you think.

Bellick: You tell me where the money is or I'm gonna read it on your tombstone.

T-Bag: Okay. Okay. I'll give you a clue. It ain't here.

Michael: I've arranged for us to meet in Panama. We are meeting up with my brother tomorrow.

Sara: Wait, that's your plan? To run away to Panama with the two most wanted men in America? Michael, I came here because I thought you were going to have real answers for me.

Michael: This is an answer. And right now, it's the only one we've got.

Sara: Running away into the sunset with the man who lied to me? Really? I mean, did you know about the other guys? Did you know that I would be putting T-Bag back out into the street?

Michael: I never meant for that to happen. I was doing what I needed to do. My brother was going to die.

Sara: And my father is dead.

Bellick: Get the stool.

Geary:What stool?

Bellick: The stool.

Michael: First word of advice: Stop. Because when you get close, I will win everytime.

Agent Mahone: You think?

Michael: I'm not the one in the cage.

Agent Mahone: No, you're not. There's one big difference between you and I, Michael. You just proved it. You can't kill. And that's what it's going to take to stop me because I don't have the same reservations. I can't. So whether it's today in Gila, or tomorrow in Albuquerque, or two months from now in Panama... I will get you. [whispers] I don't have a choice.

Sara: Michael, tell me something. You think there is a part of you that enjoys this?

Michael: Peroxide in an open wound? No.

Sara: I mean, escaping from prison and being on the run, and the danger, and the fear, and the rush and all that. It uh... it feels to me like chasing a high? And... and I know what that's like and I should know better by now.

Michael: Never really thought about it like that.

Lincoln: Lincoln Junior.

Aldo: You named him after yourself.

Lincoln: I wasn't going to name him "Aldo".

Kellerman: [Kellerman has brought Sara to a motel room, tied to a chair and gagged with a towel] I can imagine you feel a little betrayed right now [ties Sara's legs together]. Let's start over. As you can see... Hi, my name is not Lance and I am not an addict.

Kellerman: So, where is it?

Sara: I don't know what you are talking about.

Kellerman: Where is it?

Sara: I don't know what you are talking about.

Kellerman: Where is it?

Sara: I don't know what you are talking about.

Kellerman: Sara, there is a next step involved in this and you don't want to experience that.

Sara: I swear to God I don't know what you are talking about. My father didn't give me anything. I don't know what you are talking about.

Michael: If I surrender now, I lose everyone I love.

Priest: But do you lose your soul in the process?

Michael: Well, we all have our crosses to bear.

Lincoln: I'll tell you how it's going to end. Me staring in your dead eye with my hand around your throat.

Agent Kim: You don't even know who I am.

Kellerman: Who are you risking your life for? Lincoln Burrows. Street thug. And why is that your concern? I mean, is there somewhere in the Hippocratic Oath where it says, "I pledge to risk my life for those who don't care about mine" because they don't care about yours. Burrows and Michael Scofield? They just used you.

Sara: Are you surprised that there are people in the world that stand up to people like you? Are you that far gone?

Kellerman: That's cute. Sad... but cute.

Sara: Go to hell.

Kellerman: [pulls Sara's head down to the water] You know what? Drowning is horrific. Don't get me wrong but once you give in, you just let the water come into your lungs and there is a certain euphoria, I hear. I guess as a junkie, I thought maybe you'd appreciate that.

Aldo: We can fix this. I came back so that we can fix this.

Michael: This can never be fixed.

Detective Slattery: You left Chicago to see the sights in Tribune, Kansas?

Detective Slattery: Mr Bellick...

Brad: Brad.

Detective Slattery: Brad, I really don't care what you are doing out here. We are both in the law enforcement. We can both sniff out a perp like a hot fart. Pardon my french. And we both know you're not a criminal. So, I don't care if you boys were out here whooping it without your wives or... going brokeback.

Brad: Hell, no.

Agent Mahone: I'm so tired of playing games.

Coyote: Well, start typing.

Mahone: [pulls the plug from a machine] No external pacemaking. [presses a button] Hey, this is a good one. No morphine drip.

Nurse: Hey, what are you doing?

Mahone: F.B.I., out, out, out! [kicks the door close]

Coyote: What the hell are you doing?

Mahone: Giving you a little incentive.

Micheal: Fly safe, Papi.

Sucre: [steps into the plane] Give 'em hell.

Lincoln: What about your friend out there?

Michael: If we're gonna go down, might as well go down swinging.

Agent Mahone: Turn around. TURN AROUND!

Michael: If you're gonna murder us Alex, you have to look us in the eyes while you do it.

Agent Mahone: Shut up.

Lincoln: You want me, you got me. Let my brother go!

Agent Mahone: I don't want either of you. I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!

Michael: You'd kill two innocent men to get it, huh?

Agent Mahone: Absolutely.

Agent Kim: Give me one good reason why those brothers are still alive.

Kellerman: Bad day, Bill?

Agent Kim: Sorry I thought this was someone who still existed. How's the jerky business, Owen?

Kellerman: Actually it's looking pretty good right about now.

Michael: You know we have no idea what's behind that door?

Lincoln: Nope... you ready?

Michael: No, you?

Lincoln: No.

Michael: Let's go.

T-Bag: Don't be frightened. Teddy's home.

Kellerman: President Reynolds ruined your life, she ruined my life. You wanna take the bitch down? You just found your inside man but it's gotta be RIGHT NOW.

T-Bag: This is what my auntie used to call Hobo Chicken. One part chicken, two parts spice, and three parts actual hobo.

T-Bag: I, uh, know fowl isn't part of a traditional brunch per se, but I have found a lean meat can act as an aparetif to awaken the palet for more subtle flavors and textures such as... Mama mia! Pumpkin cinnamon bread with fresh strawberries and cream!

Sara (To Michael): When you first take the job, they tell you never to fall in love with an inmate...

Haywire: I just wanna go...

Sara Tancredi: You still owe me dinner.

Michael Scofield: Is that so?

Sara Tancredi: Yeah. First week in Fox River you said that if you ever got out of there that you would take me to dinner.

Michael Scofield: Well, maybe, after we wrap this up, we can stop off and get you a burrito on the way back to Pope's house.

Sara Tancredi: Scofield, I don't know what you're used to, but anything short of a filet mignon not going to cut it with me.

Michael Scofield: It's a date.

Lincoln Burrows: You know about this?

Sara Tancredi: (about Scofield) Not until it came out of his mouth.

Michael: If anything happens I love you both.

Caroline: The things you do for your brother, it's impressive.

Michael: I could say the same for you. But I won't.

Caroline:(On tape) It's awful, I know.

Terrence: Mmm.

Caroline: But the choice was clear. You needed to be far away from all of this.

Terrence: I am. I'm the Isle of Terrence, far off to sea.

Caroline: But I'm still here for you. Now, listen to me, don't dwell on the negative.

Terrence: Some people deserve to dwell, Caroline.

Caroline: You know I'm only a phone call away.

Terrence: And 3000 miles. Do you... Do you know how cold it is here?

Caroline: We talked about this, Terrence. You knew that you would be lonely, but it's only temporary. His appeals process has started already. This is gonna fly by quicker then your 20's. And soon the world will forget all about him, and they'll forget about you too. I promise.

Terrence: But, it's killing me not being able to see you, sweet Caroline.

Caroline: I wanna see you, too. But that can't happen right now.

Terrence: This house is so big. I just think of you...lying in bed.

Caroline: I know. Me, too.

Terrence: Your warmth, your touch.

Caroline: [in a televised statement] In the best interest of this country effect of immediately, I am stepping down as president of the United States.

Lincoln: She ain't the president, the tape's useless.

Michael: She can't pardon anyone.

Lincoln: We've got nothing.

Michael: There's only thing we can do. We've got to disappear... forever.

Michael: Listen, Sara, Linc and I are on the ship. This is it. There's no turning back now, so... I know it's not what you wanted from your life, but, in case you're interested, there is room for one more.

Sara: Michael Scofield, you asking me to sail off into the sunset with you?

Michael: Well, it's more of a freighter, but, uh, yes.

Sara: I'll be there.

Michael: I'll see you soon.

Lincoln: How much further?

Michael: Not far.

Lincoln: You know, for what it's worth, no one forced Sara to do what she did.

Michael: Whatever gets you through the night.

Lincoln: What the hell does that mean? I didn't ask you to use her.

Michael: It's not that simple.

Lincoln: Whatever gets you through the night, buddy.

Michael: You know what amazes me, Linc? Nothing ever registers with you. Ever. Just rolls right off your back, doesn't it? We ruined Sara's life and it's like you don't even care.

Lincoln: Is that what you think?

Michael: Well, we're here, and Sara's back there in prison. Does that seem fair to you?

Lincoln: None of it's fair. Just don't make this about boy loses girl.

Michael: Who should it be about, Linc? Westmoreland? Tweener? LJ?

Lincoln: Let me stop you right there.

Michael: Do you remember the name of the guard that was murdered because of the riot I started?

Lincoln: Shut up, Michael.

Michael: Do you even remember his name? I bet you remember Veronica's name, though, don't you?

Lincoln: You mention her name again, I swear to God...

Michael: What about T-Bag!? Linc, he's out there now, because of us! You and me! Every life he takes, that's blood on our hands. And for what?

Lincoln: I didn't ask you to do what you did.

Michael: They were gonna kill you, Linc!

Lincoln: Well, maybe you should've let them!

Michael: Take that back.

Sucre: I'm gonna kill him.

Michael: And go right back to prison.

Sucre: I don't care. Once we get the money and he tells me where Maricruz is, I'm gonna kill him.

Michael: If you find Maricruz, you're gonna marry Maricruz and live happily ever after.

Sucre: Yeah, after I sink a knife in Bellick's chest.

Michael: Bellick and T-Bag will get theirs, trust me.

Sucre: Didn't Fox River teach you anything man? 'Cause the same rules apply out here. It doesn't make a difference if you're guilty or innocent. It's who survives.

Michael: You're not that guy.

Sucre: That son of a bitch took my girl and locked her up somewhere. I am that guy now, Michael. Look at me.

Michael: The only reason I'm not five miles away from here right now is because I want to help you find Maricruz, not kill Bellick. And if that's your game, I'm gone. Believe me, I understand the impulse to pull the trigger. But if we lose ourselves, we lose everything.

[About Sara's sentence]

Sara: Well?

Marty: Twelve years.

Sara: No. No. The jury heard Michael's tape.

Marty: They heard a convicted felon lie for a woman that he clearly cares for. He's got no credibility. Sara, we need to take a hard look at what they're offering.

Sara: Due respect, Marty, we aren't going to prison, I am.

Lincoln: He didn't answer.

Mahone: I certainly hope your brother makes it back to that boat.

Lincoln: And if he doesn't? You should see yourself. You look like you're hanging in there by a thread.

Mahone: I just want this over with.

Lincoln: Then you should never have come down here. In case you hadn't noticed, me and my brother don't quit for no one.

Mahone: Thank God for that. Because it's guys that are accused of things like you were that keep guys like me in business... Kept... guys like me in business, rather.

Lincoln: It's gonna end bad for you, man. Couple of things in this world I'm good at. One of them is looking into a man's eye and knowing when he's beat.

T-Bag: [holding a knife to Michael] What exactly is it that you want, pretty?

Michael: [closes door] I'm turning you in.

T-Bag: Is that it? Really? It ain't about the money? 'Cause if it is, you can tell me. Ain't nobody here but us cons.

Michael: You can walk... or get dragged, that's up to you.

T-Bag: No. See, when you had the gun on me, I afforded you a certain respect. But, uh, here? Well, the scales are tipped back my way. So I'm gonna spell out the present options. Either we split this money, and you can go get your legs tattooed or whatever the hell it is you want, or they're gonna find your corpse slumped over that there chair with your pants down around your ankles, 'cause it's been a long time coming, pretty.

[Michael walks over to counter, takes bottle, smashes it into weapon]

T-Bag: Well, I got my answer.

Michael: Whenever you're done yakking.

T-Bag: ... Bring it, bitch.

[over phone]

Michael: Linc?

Lincoln: I'm sorry, Michael.

Michael: What's wrong?

Mahone: Hello, Michael.

Michael: If you touch my brother, you're a dead man.

Mahone: Oh, please. You don't have to worry about that. But, when it comes right down to it, he's just like you. He has a heart that won't kill a man.

[Camera reveals Lincoln in handcuffs]

Michael: What do you want Alex?

Mahone: I'll tell you exactly what I want. But first things first. When the authorities captured Bagwell today, the money was nowhere to be found. Now, I can only assume... that you've got the money... aboard the Christina Rose, right now. It's an amazing plan, Michael. Take the money, take the boat, disappear forever. But you... are not the only one that needs to disappear. You still there?

Michael: Yeah, I'm still here.

Mahone: Good. Because I'm gonna say this and I'm gonna say this once. Bring me the money, bring me the boat.

Michael: You are out of your mind.

Mahone: Not really. We both have something the other person needs. It all comes down to this, Michael. Your brother for your plan. Five minutes, that's all you have.

Lincoln: How's it feel being on the run?

Mahone: I'll survive.

Lincoln: Not if they catch you. They'll send you to the chair.

Mahone: Do you think that's ironic?

Lincoln: That'd be justice.

[In court at Sara's trial]

Paul: What I'm about to divulge to you will, in all likelihood, get me killed. Actually, I guarantee it.

Lawyer: Then why are you doing it?

Paul: Because this was supposed to be about country, about loyalty, about what's right, but it wasn't, because I wronged people who should not have been wronged. Those orders were given by Caroline Reynolds who was Vice President at the time. Acting on those orders, I planted evidence, I procured a body, I lured Lincoln Burrows into that parking garage that evening under the auspices of a different hit. Ground up, we framed him. See, Lincoln Burrows get executed, people forget about Terrence Steadman, the controversy surrounding him and the Presidency, and nobody ever knows about The Company.

Woman Lawyer: Yes, which is a shadowy cabal of corporations that pretty much influence everything that happens in this country. But I fail to see how any of this is relevant to Sara Tancredi and the fact that she aided and abetted, that she jumped bail-

Paul: She did so because she feared for her life, which was appropriate, as I had orders to kill her.

[In van for prisoner transport while guard is checking engine]

Paul: In the French Resistance, it was considered a high honor to face a Nazi firing squad-

Guard: I thought I told you to be quiet.

Paul: Meant you did your job. The highest honor was to smile when they shot you.

[Van door opens, reveals masked men with machine guns]

Paul: Took you long enough.

Michael: We did it, Linc. We did it.

Lincoln: Yeah.

Kim: No. [camera shows him on dock, pointing gun at them] You almost did it.

Lincoln: You want the money?! [throws bag on ground] Take the money. Take it.

Kim: You think this is about the money? [kicks bag into water] Pocket change like $5 million?

Michael: Then what is it about? My brother's been exonerated. The President stepped down. We're not a threat anymore. It's over.

Kim: You may be done with us, but that doesn't mean we're done with you. The police are on there way.

Lincoln: It started with me. Let my brother go.

Kim: Oh, that's sweet. That's sweet. You don't hear that much anymore, that sort of fidelity in families. Two brothers that'll go to to the ends of the earth for each other. Too bad only one of you will survive.

Michael: Don't!

[Gunshot, Kim falls in water, camera shows Sara shot him, they hear sirens in distance]

Michael: We got to go.

Panama Policeman: My men are ordered to fire if you don't come out of there with your hands first. Murder is not something that we take lightly on Panamanian soil. So come on out of there, and there will be no more deaths.

Sara: [whispering] Michael, I took a man's life.

Michael: Don't think about that now. You and I have got a date, remember? Two limes and a couple of beers, don't forget that.

Policeman: This is your last warning!

Michael: Give me the gun.

Sara: I took a man's life...

Michael: We're going to walk out of here together. We'll tell them exactly what happened.

[Sara starts crying]

Michael: Look at me, look at me, look at me. Then, we're going to tell them what happened.

Sara: Okay.

Michael: We're gonna explain everything. And I'm going to do whatever I can to help you. Okay?

Sara: [nodding] Yeah.

Michael: Now, give me the gun.

Sara: Here. [passes him gun]

Michael: [standing] You ready? [they embrace]

Sara: I love you.

Michael: I love you, too, Sara. [they kiss]

Sara: Okay.

Michael: You ready?

Sara: Yeah.

[They walk outside, Michael grabs Sara from behind and holds gun to her head]

Michael: Don't move! I'll shoot!

Sara: Michael, what are you doing?

Michael: Nobody moves! Nobody! [whispering to Sara] You sacrificed everything for me once. No! Don't move!

Sara: No, I can't let you do this. Michael! Michael!

Michael: Now it's time to say thank you. [lets go of Sara, steps towards police] It was me! It was me!

Sara: No! He's done nothing wrong!

Michael: I did it! I did it!

Sara: He's done nothing wrong! He's innocent!

Michael: I did it! It was me!

Sara: He hasn't hurt anybody, please, Michael! Michael, tell them the truth! Michael! He's done nothing wrong!

[over phone]

Pam: Hello?

Mahone: It's me.

Pam: [Getting impatient] Reminds me of when we were in college.

Mahone: Did you buy the tickets yet?

Pam: No, I'm still looking.

Mahone: Don't.

Pam: What?

Mahone: Forget about them... Forget I ever existed.

Dean: All right, well, first things first; how did we end up on Soul Plane?

Dean: Where's Cas?

Chuck: He's dead. Or gone. The archangels smote the crap out of him. I'm sorry.

Dean: You're sure? I mean, maybe he just vanished into the light or something.

Chuck: Oh, no. He, like, exploded. Like a water balloon of chunky soup.

Chuck: Oh god. Is that a molar? Now I have a molar in my hair? This has been a really stressful day.

Becky: Yes, I'm a fan, but I really don't appreciate being mocked. I know that "Supernatural" is just a book, okay? I know the difference between fantasy and reality.

Chuck: Becky, it's all real.

Becky: I knew it!

Becky: He had a vision. "The Michael sword is on earth. The angels lost it."

Dean: The Michael sword?

Sam: Becky, does he know where it is?

Becky: In a castle. On a hill made of forty-two dogs.

Dean: Forty-two dogs...?

Sam: Uh, are you sure you got that right?

Becky: It doesn't make sense! But that's what he said. I memorized every word...for you. [Becky continues rubbing Sam's chest]

Sam: Um...Becky, can- uh...can you quit touching me?

Becky: No.

Bobby: That's Michael. Toughest son of a bitch they've got.

Dean: Are you kidding me? Tough? The guy looks like Cate Blanchett.

Sam: You guys warned me about Ruby, the demon blood, but I didn't listen. I brought this on.

Bobby: You're damn right you didn't listen. You were reckless and selfish and arrogant.

Sam: I'm sorry.

Bobby: Oh, yeah? You're sorry you started Armageddon?! This kind of thing don't get forgiven, boy. If by some miracle we pull this off...I want you to lose my number. You understand me?

Zachariah: I see you told the demons where the sword is.

Dean: Oh, thank God, the angels are here.

Zachariah: We may have planted that particular piece of prophecy inside Chuck's skull, but it happened to be true. We did lose the Michael sword, we truly couldn't find it. Until now, you've just hand-delivered it to us.

Dean: We don't have anything.

Zachariah: ...It's you, Chucklehead. You're the Michael sword.

Zachariah: You're Michael's weapon. Or rather his...receptacle.

Dean: I'm a vessel?

Zachariah: You're the vessel. Michael's vessel.

Dean: How? Why- why me?

Zachariah: Because you're chosen! It's a great honor, Dean.

Dean: Oh, yeah. Yeah, life as an angel condom. That's real fun. I think I'll pass, thanks.

Zachariah: Joking. Always joking, well...no more jokes. Bang. [breaks Sam's legs]

Dean: You son of a bitch!

Zachariah: Keep mouthing off, I'll break more than his legs.

Dean: You need my consent. Michael needs my say-so to ride around in my skin.

Zachariah: Unfortunately, yes.

Dean: Well, there's got to be another way.

Zachariah: There is no other way, there must be a battle. Michael must defeat the Serpent. It is written.

Dean: Yeah, maybe. But, on the other hand...eat me. The answer's no.

Zachariah: [after giving Dean cancer, and debilitating Sam's lungs] Are we having fun yet? You're going to say "yes", Dean.

Dean: Just kill us.

Zachariah: Kill you? Oh no...I'm just getting started.

Zachariah: How are you...?

Castiel: ...alive? It's a good question. How did these two end up on that airplane? Another good question, as the angels didn't do it. I think we both know the answer, don't we?

Zachariah: No. That's not possible.

Castiel: It scares you. Well, it should. Now put these boys back together, and go. I won't ask twice.

Castiel: You two need to be more careful.

Dean: Yeah, I'm starting to get that. Your frat brothers are bigger dicks than I thought.

Dean: [referring to the Enochian sigils] What, did you just brand us with it?

Castiel: No, I carved it into your ribs.

Sarah/Lucifer: I'm not your wife, Nick. I'm an angel.

Nick: An angel?

Sarah/Lucifer: My name is Lucifer.

Nick: Sure. Naturally, um...could you do me a favor there, Satan, and remind me to quit drinking before I go to bed?

Sarah/Lucifer: Don't be afraid. This is your choice. You need to invite me in.

Nick: Even if this is real, which it's not, but assuming it was, why the hell would I do something like that?

Dean: What if we win? I'm serious. I mean, screw the angels and the demons and their crap Apocalypse. Hell, they want to fight a war? They can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on, we kill the Devil, hell, we even kill Michael if we have to, but we do it our own damn selves.

Bobby: And how are we supposed to do all this, genius?

Dean: [shrugs] I have no idea. But what I do have is a G.E.D., and a "give 'em hell" attitude and I'll figure it out.

Bobby: You are nine kinds of crazy, boy.

Dean: It's been said.

Sam: Dean...is there something you wanna say to me?

Dean: I tried, Sammy. Man, I really tried. But I just can't keep pretending that everything's all right. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother...and look what happened.

Sam: I would give anything, anything, to take it all back-

Dean: I know you would. And I know how sorry you are, I do. But, man...you were the one that I depended on the most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even...I'm just- I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here. You know?

Sam: What can I do?

Dean: Honestly? Nothing. I just don't...I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you.

Dean: What's it been, like three days now? We got to cheer [Bobby] up. Maybe I'll give him a back rub.

Dean: Cell phone, Cas? Really?

Bobby: Enough foreplay! Get over here and lay your damn hands on.

Bobby: You're telling me you lost your mojo just in time to get me stuck in this trap the rest of my life?!

Castiel: I'm sorry.

Bobby: Shove it up your ass.

Dean: [quietly, to Sam] Well, at least he's talking now.

Bobby: I heard that.

Castiel: I don't have much time; we need to talk.

Dean: Okay.

Castiel: Your plan. "Kill Lucifer."

Dean: Yeah, you wanna help?

Castiel: No. It's foolish, it can't be done.

Dean: Oh, well, thanks for the support.

Dean: God?

Castiel: Yes.

Dean: God.

Castiel: Yes. He isn't in Heaven, He has to be somewhere.

Dean: Try New Mexico, I hear He's on a tortilla.

Castiel: No, He's not on any flatbread.

Dean: Listen, chuckles, even if there is a God, He's either dead, and that's the generous theory-

Castiel: He is out there, Dean.

Dean: ...or, He's up and kicking and doesn't give a rat's ass about any of us. I mean, look around you, man; the world is in the toilet! We are literally at the end of days here, and He's off somewhere drinking booze out of a coconut. Alright?

Castiel: Enough. This is not a theological issue; it's strategic. With God's help, we can win.

Dean: It's a pipe-dream, Cas.

Castiel: [angrily] I killed two angels this week. That's my brothers. I'm hunted, I have rebelled, and I did it - all of it - for you. And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.

Bobby: When you find God, tell Him to send legs!

Ellen: Real glad to see you boys (hugs Dean then slaps him across the face)

Dean: Ow!

Ellen: The can of whup-ass I oughta open on you! What you can't pick up a phone?! What are you? Allergic to giving me piece of mind? I gotta find out that you're alive from Rufus !?

Dean: Sorry, Ellen.

Ellen: Yeah, you better be! You better put me on speed-dial, kid.

Dean: Yes, ma'am.

Ellen: My daughter may be an idiot, but she's not stupid.

Rufus: In my experience, demons come at you slower if they're in a body with no limbs.

Rufus: "Stop firing." It usually means "stop firing."

Dean: So. Pit stop at Mount Doom?

Sam: Dean-

Dean: Sam, let's not.

Sam: No, listen, this is important. I know you don't trust me. Just, now I realize something. I don't trust me either. From the minute I saw that blood, the only thought in my head...And I tell myself it's for the right reasons, that my intentions are good, and it- it feels true, you know? But I think, underneath...I just miss the feeling. I know how messed up that sounds, which means, I know how messed up I am...The thing is, the problem's not the demon blood, not really, I mean, I- what I did, I can't blame the blood, or Ruby, or...anything. The problem's me. How far I'll go. There's something in me that...scares the hell outta me, Dean. In the last couple of days, I caught another glimpse.

Dean: So what are you saying?

Sam: I'm in no shape to be hunting. I need to step back, 'cause I'm dangerous. Maybe it's best if we just go our separate ways.

Dean: Well I think you're right.

Sam: I was expecting a fight.

Dean: The truth is, I spend more time worrying about you, than about doing the job right. I just can't afford that, you know? Not now.

Sam: I'm sorry, Dean.

Dean: I know you are, Sam. Hey, you, uh...wanna take the Impala?

Sam: It's okay. Take care of yourself, Dean.

Dean: Yeah, you too, Sammy.

Jess: Hey baby. I missed you.

Sam: Jessica? I'm dreaming.

Jess: Or you're not. What's the difference? I'm here.

Sam: I miss you, so much.

Jess: I know. I miss you too. What are you doing, Sam?

Sam: What do you mean?

Jess: Running away. Haven't we been down this road before?

Sam: No. It's different now.

Jess: [a statement rather than a question] Really.

Sam: Last time, I wanted to be normal. This time...I know I'm a freak.

Jess: Which is all a big ball of semantics. You know that.

Sam: No.

Jess: Even at Stanford, you knew. You knew there was something dark inside of you. Deep down, maybe, but you knew. Maybe that's what got me killed.

Sam: No.

Jess: I was dead from the moment we said hello.

Sam: No!

Jess: Don't you get it? You can't run from yourself. Why are you running now?

Sam: Why are you here, Jess?

Jess: Would you believe I'm actually trying to protect you?

Sam: From what?

Jess: You. Sooner or later, the past is gonna catch up to you like it always does. You know what happens then? People die. Baby, the people closest to you die.

Sam: Well don't worry, because I won't make that mistake again.

Jess: Same song, different verse. Things are never gonna change with you. Never.

Dean: [hunting a vampire] Eat it, Twilight.

Dean: [to Castiel] You were wasted by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Angel? [Raphael]

Dean: [to Castiel] Last time you zapped me somewhere I didn't poop for a week!

Sam's Coworker: You're like this...

Sam: Riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a taco?

Dean: Because. We're humans. And when humans want something, really, really bad...we lie.

Castiel: Why?

Dean: Because. That's how you become president.

Dean: Any idea what set them off?

Castiel: It's angels and demons probably. [Looks at Walt] They're skirmishing all over the globe.

Walt: Come again? What did he say?

Castiel: Demons.

Dean: [at same time] Nothing.

Castiel: Demons.

Dean: [at same time] Nothing. Demons, you know drink, adultery. We all have our demons Walt.

Dean: [referring to Raphael's catatonic vessel] I take it that's not Raphael anymore.

Castiel: Just an empty vessel.

Dean: So is this what I'm lookin' at if Michael jumps my bones?

Castiel: No, not at all. Michael is much more powerful, it'll be far worse for you.

Dean: Where've you been?

Castiel: Jerusalem.

Dean: Oh, how was it?

Castiel: Arid.

Dean: Tell me something; you keep saying we're gonna trap this guy, but isn't that kinda like trapping a hurricane with a butterfly net?

Castiel: No, it's harder.

Dean: Do we have any chance of surviving this?

Castiel: You do.

Dean: ...So, odds are, you're a dead man tomorrow?

Castiel: Yes.

Dean: Oh. Well, last night on earth, what, uh...what're your plans?

Castiel: I just thought I'd sit here quietly.

Dean: Dude, c'mon, anything? Hm? Booze, women?

Castiel: [glances at Dean, then looks away quickly]

Dean: You have been with a woman before. Right? Or an angel, at least? [Castiel rubs his neck in embarrassment. Dean leans down to almost talk in his ear] You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud seeding?

Castiel: Look, I've never had occasion, okay?

Dean: Let me tell you something, there are two things I know for certain; one, Bert and Ernie are gay. Two, you are not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch. Let's go.

Dean: Hey. Relax!

Castiel: This is a den of iniquity. I should not be here.

Dean: Dude, you full-on rebelled against heaven. Iniquity is one of the perks!

Dean: Cas! His name is Cas. What's your name?

Stripper: Chastity.

Dean: Chastity?

Chastity: Mm-hm.

Dean: Wow. [to Castiel] Is that kismet or what, buddy? Huh?

Dean: [gives Castiel cash for a stripper] Hey. Listen. Take this. If she asks for a credit card, no. Now just stick to the basics, okay? Do not order off the menu. Go get her, Tiger. [Castiel hesitates] Don't make me push you.

Dean: [after Chastity storms away] What the hell did you do?

Castiel: I don't know. I just looked at her in the eyes and told her it wasn't her fault that her father Gene ran off. It was because he hated his job at the post office.

Dean: [rolls his eyes, and laughs in disbelief] Oh, no, man!

Castiel: What?

Dean: This whole industry runs on absent fathers, it's- it's the natural order.

Raphael: Castiel.

Castiel: Raphael.

Dean: Oh, you know, I thought you were supposed to be impressive. All you do is black out the room?

Raphael: And the eastern seaboard. It is a testament to my unending mercy that I don't smite you here and now.

Dean: Or maybe you're full of crap. Maybe you're afraid that God'll bring Cas back to life again, and smite you and your candy-ass skirt. By the way, hi, I'm Dean. [Waves]

Rapheal: I know who you are and now thanks to him (glances at Cas) I know where you are

Cas: You won't kill him. You wouldn't dare.

Rapheal: No, but I will take him to Micheal.

Raphael: But there's no other explanation. He's gone for good.

Castiel: You're lying.

Raphael: Am I? Do you remember the twentieth century? Think the twenty-first is going any better? Do you think God would've let any of that happen if He were alive?

Dean: Oh yeah? Well then who invented the Chinese basket trick?

Raphael: Careful. That's my Father you're talking about, boy.

Dean: Yeah, who would be so proud to know that His sons started the friggin' apocalypse.

Raphael: Who ran off and disappeared. Who left no instructions, and a world to run.

Dean: So Daddy ran away and disappeared. He didn't happen to work for the post office, did He?

Raphael: This is funny to you? You're living in a Godless universe!

Sam: It's true. What the demon said, it's all true.

Tim: Keep going.

Sam: Why? You gonna hate me any less? Am I gonna hate myself any less? What do you want?

Tim: I want to hear you say it.

Sam: I did it. I started the apocalypse.

Castiel: If God is dead, why have I returned? Who brought me back?

Raphael: Did it ever occur to you that maybe Lucifer raised you?

Castiel: No.

Raphael: Think about it. He needs all the rebellious angels he can find. You know it adds up.

Raphael: Castiel. I'm warning you. Do not leave me here. I will find you.

Castiel: Maybe one day. But today, you're my little bitch.

Dean: What he said.

Dean: Look, I'll be the first to tell you that this little crusade of yours is nuts, but...I do know a little something about missing fathers.

Castiel: What do you mean?

Dean: I mean, there were times when I was looking for my dad when...all logic said that he was dead. But I knew, in my heart, that he was still alive. So, who cares what some Ninja Turtle says, Cas? What do you believe?

Castiel: I believe He's out there.

Dean: Good. Then go find Him.

Castiel: What about you?

Dean: What about me? I don't know. Honestly...I'm good. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I am, I'm...I'm really good.

Castiel: Even without your brother?

Dean: Especially without my brother. I mean, I spend so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I've had more fun with you in the past twenty-four hours than I've had with Sam in years. And you're not that much fun. It's funny, you know, I've been so chained to my family, but now that I'm alone...hell, I'm happy.

Sam: [to "Jessica"] God knows how much I miss you too. But you're wrong. People can change. There is reason for hope.

Sam: What do you want with me?

Lucifer: Thanks to you, I walk the earth. I wanna give you a gift. I wanna give you everything.

Sam: I don't want anything from you!

Sam: [referring to hosting Lucifer as a vessel] You need my consent?

Lucifer: Of course, I'm an angel.

Sam: I will kill myself before letting you in.

Lucifer: And I'll just bring you back.

Dean: [chuckles] You know, it's kinda funny; talking to a Messenger of God on a cellphone, it's...y'know, like watching a Hell's Angel ride a moped.

Castiel: [speaking on his new cell] This isn't funny, Dean! The voice says I'm almost out of minutes.

Castiel: Where are you now?

Dean: Kansas City...[grabs his room key] Century Hotel, room 113.

Castiel: I'll be there immediately.

Dean: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, come on, man. I just drove, like, 16 hours straight, okay? I'm human. And there's stuff I gotta do.

Castiel: What stuff?

Dean: Eat, for example. In this case, sleep; I just need like 4 hours once in a while, okay?

Castiel: Yes.

Dean: Okay, so you can...pop in tomorrow morning.

Castiel: Yes. I'll just- [Dean hangs up]...wait here then.

Dean: So you're his vessel, huh? Lucifer's wearing you to the prom?

Sam: That's what he said.

Dean: Just when we thought you were out, they pull you back in, huh, Sammy?

Sam: So that's it, that's your response?

Dean: What are you looking for?

Sam: I don't know, uh, a little panic, maybe?

Dean: I guess I'm a little numb with the earth-shattering revelations at this point.

Dean: So what, you're just gonna walk back in, and we're gonna be the dynamic duo again?

Sam: Look, Dean, I can do this. I can. I'm gonna prove it to you.

Dean: Look, Sam, it doesn't matter. Whatever we do. I mean, it turns out that you and me, we're the, uh...the fire and the oil of the Armageddon. You know, on that basis alone, we should just pick a hemisphere. Stay away from each other for good.

Sam: Dean, it does not have to be like this, we can fight it.

Dean: Yeah, you're right, we can. But not together. We're not stronger when we're together, Sam. I think we're weaker. Because whatever we have between us; love, family, whatever it is; they are always gonna use it against us. And you know that. No, we're better off apart. We got a better chance of dodging Lucifer and Michael and this whole damn thing...if we just go our own ways.

Sam: Dean, don't do this.

Dean: Goodbye, Sam.

Dean: I'm you, from the tail end of 2009. Zach plucked my from my bed and...threw me 5 years into the future.

2014-Dean: Where is he? I wanna talk to him.

Dean: I don't know.

2014-Dean: Oh, you don't know?

Dean: No. I don't know. Look I just wanna get back to my own freakin' year, okay?

2014-Dean: Okay. If you're me...then tell me something only I would know.

Dean: Rhonda Hurley. We were...uh, 19. She made us try on her panties. They were pink...and satin-y. And you know what? We kinda liked it.

2014-Dean: Touché.

Dean: What are you, a hippie?

2014-Castiel: [stretching] Thought you'd gotten over trying to label me.

Dean: Cas, we need to talk.

2014-Castiel: [turns to face Dean] Whoa, strange.

Dean: What?

2014-Castiel: You...are not you, not 'now' you, anyway.

Dean: No! Yeah- yes. Exactly.

2014-Castiel: What year are you from?

Dean: 2009.

2014-Castiel: Who did this to you? Is it Zachariah?

Dean: Yes.

2014-Castiel: Interesting.

Dean: Oh yeah, it's friggin' fascinating. Now...why don't you just strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page on the calendar?

2014-Castiel: [turns away and laughs] I wish I could just, uh, strap on my wings, but, uh, I'm sorry, no dice. [Laughs again]

Dean: ...What are you, stoned?

2014-Castiel: Generally, yeah.

Dean: What happened to you?

2014-Castiel: [shrugs] Life.

2014-Dean: You saying my plan is reckless?

2014-Castiel: Are you saying we, uh...walk in, straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the Croates, and we shoot the Devil?

2014-Dean: Yes.

2014-Castiel: Okay. If you don't like, uh, "reckless", I can use "insouciant", maybe.

2014-Dean: Are you coming?

2014-Castiel: [sighs] ...Of course.

2014-Dean: Sam didn't die in Detroit. He said yes.

Dean: "Yes"? ...Wait...you mean-

2014-Dean: That's right. The big yes. To the Devil. Lucifer's wearing him to the prom.

Dean: [quietly] Why he would do that?

2014-Dean: Wish I knew. But now we don't have a choice. It's in him and it's not getting out. And we've gotta kill him, Dean. And you need to see it. The whole damn thing, how bad it gets, so you can do it different.

2014-Chuck: So you're really from '09?

Dean: Yeah, 'fraid so.

2014-Chuck: Some free advice? You ever get back there, you hoard toilet paper. You understand me? Hoard it. Hoard it like it's made of gold. 'Cause it is.

Dean: Thank you, Chuck.

2014-Chuck: Oh, you'll thank me alright. Mark my words.

Dean: So you're human? Well, welcome to the club.

2014-Castiel: Thanks. Except I used to belong to a much better club. And now I'm powerless. I'm hapless, I'm hopeless, I mean, why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence? Right? It's the end, baby! That's what decadence is for. Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out?

Dean: [to 2014-Dean] Hey, uh...me. Can I talk to you for a sec?

Lucifer as Sam : Oh. Hello, Dean. Aren't you a surprise? You've come a long way to see this, haven't you?

Dean: Well go ahead. Kill me.

Lucifer as Sam : Kill you? Don't you think that would be a little...redundant? [Sighs] I'm sorry. It must be painful, speaking to me in this...shape. But it had to be your brother. It had to be. [Tries to touch Dean but Dean flinches back] You don't have to be afraid of me, Dean. What do you think I'm going to do?

Dean: I don't know, maybe deep-fry the planet?

Lucifer as Sam : Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful, in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God. You ever hear the story of how I fell from Grace?

Dean: Oh, good God, you're not gonna tell me a bedtime story, are ya? My stomach's almost outta bile.

Lucifer as Sam : You know why God cast me down? Because I loved Him. More than anything. And then God created...[smirks] you. The little...hairless apes. And then He asked all of us to bow down before you. To love you more than Him. And I said, "Father...I can't." I said, "These human beings are flawed. Murderous." And for that, God had Michael cast me into Hell. Now tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially when I was right. Look what six billion of you have done to this thing. And how many of you blame me for it.

Dean: [voice wavering] You're not fooling me, you know that? With this 'sympathy for the devil' crap. I know what you are.

Lucifer as Sam : What am I?

Dean: You're the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you, is the size of your ego.

Lucifer as Sam : I like you, Dean. I get what the other angels see in you. Goodbye. We'll meet again soon.

Dean: [voice harsh and hoarse] You better kill me now!

Lucifer as Sam : Pardon?

Dean: You better kill me now! Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop-

Lucifer as Sam : I know you won't. I know you won't say yes to Michael either, and I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up...here.

Dean: [tears start falling freely]

Lucifer as Sam : I win...So, I win.

Dean: You're wrong.

Lucifer as Sam : See you in five years, Dean.

Dean: That's pretty nice timing, Cas.

Castiel: We had an appointment.

Dean: [grabs Castiel's shoulder] Don't ever change.

Dean: Sam. [Holds Ruby's knife out to Sam] If you're serious, and you want back in...you should hang onto this. I'm sure you're rusty. Look, man, I'm sorry. I'm...whatever I need to be, but I was, uh...wrong.

Sam: What made you change your mind?

Dean: Long story. The point is...maybe we are each other's Achilles' heel. Maybe they'll find a way to use us against each other, I don't know. I just know, we're all we've got. More than that...we keep each other human.

Sam: Thank you. Really, thank you. I won't let you down.

Dean: Oh, I know it. I mean, you are the second-best hunter on the planet

Sam: So what do we do now?

Dean: We make our own future.

Sam: Guess we have no choice.

Sam: So...what's with this job?

Dean: Dude suffers a head-on collision in a parked car? I'd say it's worth checking out.

Sam: Yeah, definitely, um, but...we've got bigger problems, don't you think?

Dean: I'm sure the apocalypse'll still be there when we get back.

Dean: And how exactly did Jim slam Cal into a windshield with all the force of an 80 mph crash?

Rick Carnegie: ...Drugs maybe?

Sam: [referring to "Little Bastard"] So, what...this is like, Christine?

Dean: No, Christine is fiction; this, this is real.

[Dean slides under the car, Little Bastard, to get its number]

Sam: [kneels down and looks under the car] Need a flashlight?

Dean: [jumps] No. Don't...do anything; just go away.

Sam: Y-uh...okay...

Dean: Don't speak! Alright? In fact, don't even look at her, she might not like it.

Sam: I've been working my ass off here...

Dean: Hey, world's smallest violin, pal; I spent the afternoon up Christine's skirt. I needed a drink.

Dean: So you're saying we've got two super-famous, super-pissed-off ghosts killing their...super-fans?

Dean: [Wearing Abraham Lincoln's hat] Check it out. Four score and seven years ago...I had a funny hat.

Dean: Let me get this straight: your, uh, ultimate hero was not only a short man in diapers, but he was also a fruitarian.

Sam: That's not the point.

Dean: That is good. That is-even for you, that is good.

Sam: How long am I gonna be double-secret probation?

Dean: Until I say so.

Sam: Look. I know what I did. What I've done. And I am trying to climb out of that hole, I am, but you're not making it any easier.

Dean: So what am I supposed to do, just let you off the hook?

Sam: You can think whatever you want. I deserve it, and worse. Hell, you'll never punish me as much as I'm punishing myself, but the point is, if we're gonna be a team, you and I—it has to be a two-way street.

Sam: They're unlike any other seed I've ever seen before Dean.

Dean: Wow. just when I thought you couldn't get any geekier.

Dean: Not a word.

Sam: Dude, you just got wailed on by Paris Hilton.

Dean: ...Shut up.

Dean: [preparing to test a joy buzzer] Are you ready?

Sam: Hit it, Mr. Wizard.

Dean: [after electrocuting a large ham] That'll do, pig.

Dean: Maybe that's the connection. The Tooth Fairy, the Pop Rocks and Coke, the joy buzzer that shocks you—they're all lies that kids believe.

Sam: And now they're coming true. Okay, so whatever's doing this is—is reshaping reality. It has the powers of a god. Or of a trickster.

Dean: Yeah, with the sense of humor of a nine-year-old.

Sam: Or you.

Castiel: [after sitting on a whoopee cushion] That wasn't me.

Sam: I don't get it...Jesse is the devil's son?

Castiel: [sighs] No, of course not; your Bible gets more wrong than it does right.

Dean: [steps between Sam and Castiel] Okay, hey...look, we are not going to kill him. Alright? But we can't leave Jesse here, either. We know that. So...we take him to Bobby's, he'll know what to do.

Castiel: You'll kidnap him? What is going on in this town, it's what happens when this thing is happy; you cannot imagine what it will do if it's angry.

Sam: So we tell him the truth. You say Jesse's destined to go darkside, fine, but he hasn't yet. So if we lay it all out for him...uh, what he is, the apocalypse, everything, he might make the right choice.

Castiel: (coldly)...You didn't. And I can't take that chance.

Sam: You've got choices, Jesse. But if you make the wrong ones, it'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

Jesse: Why are you telling me this?!

Sam: Because I have to believe someone can make the right choice, even if I couldn't.

Dean: You think Jesse's gonna be OK?

Sam: I hope so.

Dean: You know we destroyed that kid's life by telling him the truth.

Sam: We didn't have a choice, Dean.

Dean: Yeah. You know I'm starting to get why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is to mix some poprocks and coke. Protect them from the real evil. You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. More I think about it...more I wish dad would've lied to us.

Sam: Yeah, me too.

Bobby: Brains trumps legs apparently.

Dean: So you were just gonna shoot some old guy, is that it?

Sam: I didn't know what you were. I mean have you seen you? You look like-

Dean: The old chick in Titanic. I know, shut up.

Sam: I was gonna say Emperor Palpatine.

[Watching old Dean and Bobby argue]

Sam: [smiles] It's just like Grumpy Old Men.

Old Dean and Bobby: Shut up, Sam!

Sam: [watching old Dean trying to break into a safe] It's like Mission Pathetic.

Dean: [to Sam, who keeps scratching his crotch] Dude...I believe that he-witch gave you the clap.

Patrick: I'm sorry kid. Aces full.

Sam: [to female witch] You're crying. For a witch, you're so nice it's actually kinda creepy. It's okay. [to Patrick] It was a great hand. Just...not as great as...[Sam lays his hand down, revealing two fours, matching the two fours in the table hand] as four fours.

Patrick: Well played. You know, that whole...'going out of your head' bit...very method. There's more to you than meets the eye. [raises his glass]

Sam: Cash these in for Dean. Please.

Patrick: With pleasure.

Dean: You're not useless, Bobby.

Bobby: Okay...good talk.

Dean: Whoa, wait a moment, listen to me...you don't stop being a soldier 'cause you got wounded in battle. Okay? No matter what shape you're in, bottom line is: you're family. Now I don't know if you've noticed but me and Sam, we don't have much left. I can't do this without you. I can't. So don't you dare think about checking out! I don't wanna hear that again!

Bobby: Okay.

Dean: Okay. Good.

Bobby: Thanks...now we done feeling our feelings? Cause I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts.

Dean: Yeah, we're done.

[The episode opens in the form of a sitcom]

Dean:[Narrating] Supernatural is filmed before a live studio audience.

Dean:[Closes his fridge and looks at a cartoonishly big sandwich] I'm gonna need a bigger mouth.

Audience:[Laughs, then cheers as Sam walks through the door]

Dean: Hey there Sam. What's happening?

Sam: Oh nothing, just the end of the world. [Audience laughs. Sam looks at the sandwich] You're gonna need a bigger mouth. Hey, uh, have you done your research yet?.

Dean: Oh yeah, All kinds of research. All night.

Sam: Yeah?

Audience:[cheers as a bikini clad woman exits the bathroom]

Woman: Ooh, Dean. We have some more "research" to do.[More laughter]

Sam: Dean...

Dean:[Extreme close-up] Son of a bitch! [More laughter and cheers]

[A cheesy opening credits sequence ensues, complete with Sam and Dean riding on a tandem bicycle and mopeds , playing pass football in a park, and hunting ghosts in a very comic fashion]

Sam: What are you watching?

Dean: A hospital show - "Dr Sexy, M.D.". I think it's based on a book.

Sam: When did you hit menopause?

Dean: Ally with the Trickster?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: A bloody, violent monster...and you wanna be Facebook friends with him? Nice, Sammy.

Ellen Piccolo: Seriously. You're brilliant, you know that. And a coward. You're a brilliant coward.

Dean: It's him, it's Dr. Sexy.

Dean: You're not Dr. Sexy.

Dr. Sexy: You're crazy.

Dean: Really? Because I swore part of what makes Dr. Sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots. Not tennis shoes.

Sam: Yeah, you're not a fan.

Dean: It's a guilty pleasure!

NutCracker Host: [Referring to Castiel] No, no, no, no...Mr. Trickster does not like pretty boy angels.

Dean: What do I do? What do I do? I don't wanna get it in the nuts!

Sam: [slowly] I've got...genital herpes.

Dean: [as Herpexia's voiceover] Patients should always consult with a physician before using Herpexia. Possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea.

[Dean and Sam are on the set of a sitcom]

Dean: How long do we have to keep doing this?

Sam: [strained smile] I dunno. [Audience laughs and applauds] Maybe forever? [more laughter] ...We might die in here. [continued laughter]

Dean: [glares at the audience] ...How is that funny? Vultures.

Trickster: Well, you know! Sam starring as Lucifer, Dean starring as Michael! Your celebrity deathmatch! Play your roles.

Sam: You want us to say "yes" to those sons of bitches?

Trickster: Hellz yeah, let's light this candle!

Dean: Calm down?! I am wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags. I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show. And you want to know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows. There's like 300 on television, they're all the freaking same, it's: "oh...a plane crashed here." Oh shut up!

Forensic guy: Well...aside from the ligature marks around his neck, he has what appears to be a roll of quarters jammed down his throat.

Sam: Well I say...jackpot.

Forensic guy: Heh. Also there was a stab wound to the lower abdomen there.

Dean: [pokes stabwound with stick] Well I say...No guts, no glory.

Gabriel: Where'd you get the holy oil?

Dean: Well, you might say we pulled it out of Sam's ass.

Sam: So, which one are you? Grumpy, Sneezy, or Douchy?

Gabriel: Gabriel, okay. They call me Gabriel.

Sam: Gabriel? The archangel?

Dean: Okay, Gabriel, how does an archangel become a Trickster?

Gabriel: My own private witness protection.

Gabriel: You do not know my family. What you guys call the Apocalypse, I used to call Sunday dinner!

Gabriel: You two were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you!

Gabriel: So. Boys. Now what? We stare at each other for the rest of eternity?

Dean: Well, first of all, you're gonna bring Cas back from wherever you stashed him.

Gabriel: Oh am I.

Dean: Yeah. Or we're going to dunk you in some holy oil and deep-fry ourselves an archangel.

Castiel: Hello, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Hey bro. How's the search for Daddy going? Let me guess: Awful!

Dean: No, we're not 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record, this isn't about some prized fight between your brothers. Or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up with your family. (after setting off the sprinkler system) Don't say I never did anything for you.

Dean: All that stuff he was spouting in there...Do you think he was telling the truth?

Sam: I think he believes it.

Dean: So what do we do?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: I'll tell you one thing – right about now wish I was back in a TV show.

Sam: Yeah, me too.

Becky: What? They're gonna wanna see it.

Dean & Sam: See what?

Becky: Oh my god, I love it when they talk at the same time.

Sam: He means the books, Chuck. Why are you publishing more books?

Chuck: Um...for food and shelter.

Dean: Who gave you the rights to our life story?

Chuck: An Archangel, and I didn't want it.

Dean: Well, you sure look lovely tonight. Especially for a dead chick.

Latisha Actress: Buddy, I have heard that line 17 times tonight, okay? And all from dudes wearing MacGyver jackets. But you seem different.

Dean: How so?

Latisha Actress: Well, you don't seem scared of women.

Sam: Dean.

Dean: What? They're freaking annoying.

Dean: No, I am not a fan, okay. Not fans. In fact, I think the Dean and Sam story sucks. It is not fun, it's not entertaining. It is a river of crap that would send most people howling to the nuthouse! So you listen to me. Their pain is not for your amusement. I mean, do you think they enjoy being treated like-like circus freaks?

Demian: Ahh, I don't think they care. Because they're fictional characters.

Dean: Oh, they care. Believe me, they care a lot!

Sam: He uh...He takes the story really seriously.

Dean: [to Sam] Just give her the puppy dog thing, okay?

Chuck: No, there's really no such thing as a Croatoan Virus for...down there. Um...you really should see a doctor.

Demian: I'm not sure you get what the story's about.

Dean: That so?

Demian: Alright, look. In real life, he sells stereo equipment, I fix copiers; our lives suck. But to be Sam and Dean...to wake up every morning and save the world, to have a brother who, who would die for you...Well, who wouldn't want that?

Sam: Oh, hey, Chuck, look. If you really want to publish more books, I guess that's okay with us.

Chuck: Wow. Really?

Sam: No, not really. We have guns and we will find you.

Chuck: Like all authors I started writing because of love. I had a huge crush on Nancy McKeon who played Jo in The Facts of Life. I must have written her forty to fifty letters. She never wrote back.

Chuck: The way I look at it, it's not really "jumping the shark" if you never come back down.

Castiel: The demon Crowley is making a deal; Even as we speak, it's...going...down.

Dean: Going down? Right. Okay, Huggy Bear, just don't lose him.

Castiel: I won't lose him.

Dean: Oh, uh, excuse me for asking, but aren't you kind of signing your own death warrant? I mean, what happens to you if we go up against the devil and lose?

Crowley: Number one, he's going to wipe us all out anyway. Two, after you leave here, I go on an extended vacation to all points nowhere. And three, how about you don't miss, okay! Morons!

Castiel: [After drinking six shots] I think I'm starting to feel something.

Dean: So. Dangerous mission tomorrow. Guess it's time to eat, drink, and, you know, make merry.

Jo: Are you giving me the last night on Earth speech?

Dean: What?

Jo: What?

Dean: No...no. If I was, would that work?

Jo: No. Sweetheart, if this is our last night on Earth, then I'm going to spend it with a little thing I call self-respect.

Castiel: This town's not empty. Reapers.

Ellen: Reapers? As in more than one?

Castiel: They only gather like this at times of great catastrophe. The Chicago Fire, the San Francisco Quake, Pompeii. Excuse me, I need to figure out why they're here.

Castiel: Lucifer.

Lucifer: So I take it you're here with the Winchesters?

Castiel: I came alone.

Lucifer: Loyalty...such a nice quality to see this day and age.

Lucifer: Castiel, right? Castiel, I'm told you came here in an automobile.

Castiel: ...yes.

Lucifer: What was that like?

Castiel: Um, slow. Confining.

Lucifer: What a peculiar thing you are?

Castiel: [notices lesions on Lucifer's face] What's wrong with your vessel?

Lucifer: Yes, um, Nick is wearing a bit thin, I'm afraid. He can't contain me forever, so...

Castiel: [angry] You...[Steps forward, but remembers the holy fire] You are not taking Sam Winchester. I won't let you.

Lucifer: We're on the same side, like it or not, so...why not just serve your own best interests, which in this case, just happen to be mine.

Castiel: I'll die first.

Lucifer: ...I suppose you will.

Dean: Okay, this is it. I'll see you on the other side. Probably sooner than later.

Jo: Make it later.

Jo: Mom, no.

Ellen: Somebody's gotta let them in. Like you said, you're not moving. You got me, Jo. And you're right, this is important. But I will not leave you here alone.

Sam: Dean—

Ellen: Get going now, boys.

Dean: Ellen—

Ellen: I said go. And Dean? Kick it in the ass. Don't miss.

Ellen: I will always love you, baby. Honey?[looks down at her daughter, seeing she is already dead] Jo? [crying] That's okay...that's okay. That's my good girl.

Meg: You're wrong. Lucifer is the father of our race. Our creator. Your God may be a deadbeat, but mine...mine walks the earth.

Sam: Last words?

Dean: I think I'm good.

Sam: Yeah, me too.

Dean: Here goes nothing.

Sam: Hey! [cocks shotgun] You wanted to see me?!

Lucifer: Oh Sam, you don't need that gun here. You know I'd never hurt you. Not really.

Dean: Yeah? Well I'd hurt you. So suck it. [shoots Lucifer in the head]

Lucifer: I know what you must think of me, Sam. But I have to do this. I have to. You of all people should understand.

Sam: What's that supposed to mean?

Lucifer: I was a son. A brother, like you, a younger brother, and I had an older brother who I loved. Idolized, in fact. And one day I went to him and I begged him to stand with me, and Michael...Michael turned on me. Called me a freak. A monster. And then he beat me down. All because I was different. Because I had a mind of my own. Tell me something, Sam. Any of this sound familiar? Anyway. You'll have to excuse me. Midnight is calling and I have a ritual to finish. Don't go anywhere. Not that you could if you would.

Dr. Fuller: You were referred to me by a Dr. Babar in Chicago.

Sam: That's right.

Dr. Fuller: Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?

Dean: I don't know. I don't have any elephant books. Look doctor, I-I think the doctor was in over his head with this one (points at Sam). Cause my brother's, uh... (whistles and makes circles with his finger).

Dr. Fuller: Okay fine, thank you, that's really not necessary. Why don't you tell me how you're feeling, Alex?

Sam: I'm fine. I mean, okay, a little depressed, I guess.

Dr. Fuller: Alright. Any idea why?

Sam: Probably because I started the apocalypse.

Dr. Fuller: The apocalypse?

Sam: Yeah. That's right.

Dr. Fuller: And you think you started it?

Sam: Well yeah. I mean, I killed this demon – Lilith – and I accidentally freed Lucifer from Hell. So now he's topside, and we're trying to stop him.

Dr. Fuller: Who is?

Sam: Me. Him. And this one angel.

Dr. Fuller: Oh, you mean like a, like an angel on your shoulder.

Sam: No no. His name's Castiel. He wears a trench coat.

Dean: See what I mean, doc? I mean the kid's been beating himself up about this for months! The apocalypse wasn't his fault.

Dr. Fuller: It's not?

Dean: No. There was this other demon, Ruby? She had him addicted to demon blood, I mean, near the end he was practically chugging the stuff. My brother's not evil. He was just...high. Y'know, so, could you fix him up so we could get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters?

(Doctor smiles weakly, then picks up his phone).

Dr. Fuller: Urma? Cancel my lunch.

Dr. Fuller: Alright Ted, calm down.

Ted: I am calm. And I'd very calmly like to talk about the monster that's hunting us.

Dr. Fuller: Ted, we're not going to have that discussion again. It's not good for group.

Ted: I agree. You know what else isn't good for group? A monster eating all our faces off!

Dr. Cartwright: I'm Dr. Erica Cartwright. I've been assigned to your case.

Dean: You're my shrink? Well, lucky me.

Dr. Cartwright: And you're my paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious psychosis. Lucky me.

Dean: I've got some questions for you.

Dr. Cartwright: What a coincidence; I've got some for you too.

Dean: Well then, Quid pro quo, Clarice. (hisses.)

Dr. Cartwright: Okay Hannibal, I'll go first. How many hours a night do you sleep?

Dean: Three or four, every couple of nights. What can you tell me about the recent suicides in here?

Dr. Cartwright: They were tragic.

Dean: But you haven't noticed anything strange? Like, uh, I don't know, black smoke, sulfur...

Dr. Cartwright: No, why, what's that supposed to mean?

Dean: Demon signs. I hunt demons, monsters, that kind of thing.

Dr. Cartwright: How many drinks do you have a week?

Dean: Well, I gotta sleep some time, so, uh, with seven days, times...it's somewhere in the mid-fifties.

Dean: [pulls his pants down, shakes his hips] Pudding!

Dr. Cartwright: Why you?

Dean: Why me what?

Dr. Cartwright: Why do you have to hunt monsters? Why not let someone else do it?

Dean: I can't find anybody else that dumb.

Dean: You okay?

Sam: No, no, I'm not okay. I - I - I am...awesome.

Dean: They give you something?

Sam: Oh yeah. They - they gave me everything. It - it's spectacu-lacular. [laughs]

Dean: You always were a happy drunk.

Dr. Fuller: Monsters are the least of your problems. People can learn to live with delusions, but the anger I saw in you...you hurt those two men, and you were going to kill me. The look in your eyes when you came after me, I...it was like you were barely even human. Like a man possessed.

Sam: I know. Please...just...could you give me a second chance?

Dr. Fuller: Well, this isn't a prison. You'll be allowed to go to the day room, under supervision.

Sam: Thank you.

Dr. Fuller: But if there is one more outburst, I will transfer you to a facility that is equipped to handle violent patients.

Sam: The wraith-

Dean: What about her?

Sam: She was right.

Dean: No, she wasn't. She's dead, okay? Let's hit the road. I need a drink...or twelve.

Sam: Most of the time I can hide it, but I am angry. I'm mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and dad, then Lilith, now it's Lucifer. And I make excuses: I blame Ruby, or the demon blood, but-but it's not their fault, it's not them, it's me. It's inside me. I'm mad all the time, and I don't know why.

Dean: Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What?

Sam: No, of course not.

Dean: Exactly. And that's exactly what you're going to do: you're going to take all that crap, and you're gonna bury it. You're gonna forget about it, because that's how we keep going.

Gary (as Sam): Crystal, I would love to have the sex with you.

Sam (as Gary): [finds AP school textbooks] Smart kid. [finds Star Wars t-shirt] Virgin. [finds porno magazine] Frustrated virgin.

Sam (as Gary): Witchcraft, huh Gary? You little Satanic bastard.

Gary (as Sam): I am in way over my head.

Trevor: Everybody knows Dean. He's Hell's most wanted.

Sam (as Gary): Oh, no. Have you idiots been talking to demons?

Trevor: I wouldn't exactly call praying to our Dark Overlord goofing around.

Nora (Possessed): Yum, tastes like moron.

Dean: Adios, bitch.

Gary (as Sam): It's 'audi nos.'

Sam: Rebel a little bit...in a healthy, non-satanic way.

Sam: You know why Nora's into witchcraft?

Gary: What do you mean?

Sam: She doesn't like Satan, you moron. She likes you.

Dean: [After Anna shows up in his stripper dream] Anna! I was just...uh...workin' on a case.

Anna: ...This is what you dream about...?

Dean: This is awkward.

Dean: [referring to Castiel] So what, you're like a Delorean without enough plutonium?

Castiel: I don't understand that reference.

Dean: [referring to Castiel] He's tough for a little nerdy dude with wings.

John: Monsters? Monsters?

Mary: Yes

John: Monsters are real?

Mary: I'm sorry, I didn't know how to-

John: And you fight them? All of you?

Sam: Yeah.

John: How long?

Mary: All my life.

(Dean, Sam, and Mary all try to explain at the same time)

John: Shut up, all of you! Look not another work or so help me, I will turn this car around!

Dean: Awkward family road trip.

Sam: No kidding.

John: Y'all may have treated me like a fool, but I am not useless. I can draw a damn...whatever it is - a sigil.

Dean: Why don't you go help Sam out? 'Kay? 'Cause this has got to be done in...it's gotta be done in human blood.

John: [cuts his hand open] So? How big?

Dean: I'll show you. [laughs softly.]

John: What?

Dean: All of a sudden, you really remind me of my dad.

John: How long have you known about this hunting stuff?

Sam: Pretty much forever. My dad raised me in it.

John: You're serious? Who the hell does that to a kid?

Sam: For the record...Mary's parents did.

John: I don't care! What kind of irresponsible bastard lets a child anywhere near - you know you could have been killed!

Sam: I, uh...came kinda close.

John: The number it must have done of your head. Your father was supposed to protect you.

Sam: He was trying. He died trying. Believe me.

Mary: Why does an angel want me dead?

Dean: [uncomfortably] 'Cause they're dicks.

Mary: Not good enough. I didn't even know they existed and now I'm a target?

Dean: It's complicated.

Mary: Fine. All ears.

Dean: You're just gonna have to trust me, okay?

Mary: I've been trusting you all day.

Dean: It's kind of hard to believe.

Mary: All right then, I'm walking out the door-

Dean: I'm your son.

Mary: What?

Dean: I'm your son.

Mary: [horrified] I raised my kids to be hunters?

Dean: No, no you didn't.

Mary: How could I do that to you?

Dean: You didn't do it. Because you're dead.

Michael: Lucifer defied our Father, and he betrayed me, but still, I don't want this any more than you would want to kill Sam. You know, my brother...I practically raised him. I took care of him in a way most people could never understand, and I still love him. But I am going to kill him, because it is right, and I have to.

Dean: What, because God says so?

Michael: Yes. From the beginning, He knew this was how it was going to end.

Dean: And you're just going to do whatever God says?

Michael: Yes, because I am a good son.

Dean: Son of a bitch. You made it.

Castiel: I did?

Sam: Yeah.

Castiel: I am surprised. [passes out]

Dean: This is it.

Sam: This is what?

Dean: Team Free Will. One ex-blood junkie, one drop out with 6 bucks to his name, and Mr. Comatose over there. Awesome.

Sam Winchester: Alright, I'm just gonna go through some files, you can go ahead and get going.

Dean Winchester: Sorry?

Sam: Go ahead. Unleash the Kraken. See you tomorrow morning.

Dean: [confused] Where am I going?

Sam: Dean, it's Valentine's Day. Your favorite holiday, remember? I mean, what do you always call it? "Unattached drifter Christmas"?

Dean: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well...Be that as it may, I don't know. Guess I'm not feeling it this year.

Sam: So, you're not into bars full of lonely women?

Dean: [sliding a box containing a human heart over to Sam] Be my Valentine?

Dean: [speaking on his cell] Cas, it's Dean. Yeah, Room 31-C, basement level, St. James Medical Center-

Castiel: [appears in front of Dean, still talking into the cell phone] I'm there now.

Dean: ...yeah, I get that.

Castiel: I'm gonna hang up now.

Dean: ...right.

Castiel: What human myth has mistaken for Cupid is actually a lower order of angel. Technically it's a cherub. Third class.

Dean: Cherub?

Castiel: Yeah. They're all over the world, there are dozens of them.

Dean: You mean the little flying fat kid in diapers.

Castiel: What I'm saying is a Cupid has gone rogue and we have to stop him before he kills again.

Sam: Naturally.

[Waiting for the Cupid.]

Dean: So where is he?

Cupid: Here I am! [Picks Dean up from behind in a hug and starts shaking him.]

Cupid: Hello, you! [hugs Castiel tightly]

Dean: This is Cupid?

Castiel: [strained] ...yes.

Cupid: [releases Castiel and turns to Sam] And look at you, huh?

Sam: [shakes his head] ...No.

Cupid: [smiles and nods] Yes.

Sam: [turns to run] No, no-

Cupid: [appears in front of Sam and hugs him tightly] Yes, yes, yes!

Dean: [to Castiel] Is this a fight? Are we in a fight?

Castiel: This is...their handshake.

Dean: I don't like it.

Castiel: No one likes it.

Dean: [Talking to Cupid] Listen, birthday suit.

[Cupid is crying; Castiel, Sam and Dean are uncertain of how to act]

Sam: Should...Should someone maybe go talk to him?

Dean: Yeah, that's a good idea. Give 'em hell , Cass.

[Castiel approaches Cupid, who has his back turned to him, still crying]

Castiel: [uncomfortable] Hum, look...We didn't mean to, um... [looks at Sam and Dean; they encourage him] ...hurt your feelings.

Cupid: [hugs Castiel, still crying] Love is more than a word to me, you know? I...I love love - I love it, and if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Castiel: [hugs Cupid back] Yes, yes. Of course. I, uh - I have no idea what you're saying.

Dean: You're saying that you fixed up our parents?

Cupid: Well not me, but yeah. Oh, it wasn't easy either. Oooh, they couldn't stand each other at first. But when we were done with them, perfect couple!

Dean: Perfect?

Cupid: Yeah.

Dean: They're dead.

Cupid: I'm sorry but the orders were very clear, you and Sam needed to be born. Your parents were just, uh, meant to be. [Starts singing A Match Made in Heaven. Dean punches him then turns around cradling his hand]

Dean: Son of a bitch. [Hear Cupid fleeing.] Where is he? Where'd he go?

Castiel: I believe you upset him.

Dean: Upset him?

Sam: Dean, enough!

Dean: What?

Sam: You just punched a cupid!

Dean: I punched a dick!

Sam: Um...are we going to talk about what's been up with you lately or not?

Dean: Or not. [Storms out.]

Dean: [Talking to Castiel about his meat addiction] What about you? Since when do angels secretly hunger for White Castle?

Sam: So, what, this whole town is just gonna eat, drink, and screw itself to death?

Castiel: We should stop it.

Dean: Uh yeah that's a great idea. How?!

Dean: [Referring to Castiel eating endless hamburgers.] What are you? The Hamburgler?

[Dean is sitting in the Impala. Castiel transports in with a bag of fast food and pulls out a hamburger.]

Dean: Are you serious?

Castiel: These make me very happy. [Dean rolls his eyes]

Castiel: What I don't understand is: Where's your hunger Dean?

Dean: Huh?

Castiel: Well, slowly but surely, everyone in this town is falling prey to Famine, but so far you seem unaffected.

Dean: Hey, when I want to drink, I drink. When I want sex, I go get it. Same goes for a sandwich, or a fight.

Castiel: So you're saying you're just well adjusted?

Dean: God no. I'm just well fed.

Dean: Demons. Do you want to go over the plan again. [Castiel doesn't say anything.] HEY! HAPPY MEAL!

Famine: That's one deep dark nothing you got there, Dean

Dean Winchester: You gave yourself your own nickname? You can't do that.

Digger: Who died and made you queen?

Dean: Do you know how many times we've called? Where've you been?

Bobby Singer: Playing murderball.

Dean: What is that smell? Is that soap? Did you clean?

Bobby: What are you, my mother? Bite me.

Sam Winchester: So who killed the guy?

Bobby: Take your pick. This Benny Sutton guy was a Grade A son of a bitch. There's a list of the living a year long wouldn't mind putting a cap in his ass.

Dean: Remember the guy you said that was dead and couldn't possibly commit murder? There he is. [Points to Clay]

Sheriff: And?

Dean: And? And you're welcome.

Dean: You're a zombie.

Clay: I'm a taxpayer.

(Sam and Dean are in jail and they see Bobby talking to the sheriff)

Dean: So what, now they're friends?

Dean: This is incredible Mrs. Singer.

Karen: Thank you Dean. [Sam gives Dean a look]

Dean: What? It is.

Dean: Are you crazy? What the hell?

Bobby: Dean, I can explain.

Dean: Explain what? Lying to us, or the American Girl zombie making cupcakes in your kitchen?

Bobby: First of all, that's my wife so watch it.

Dean: And there were no signs? No omens?

Bobby: Well there were the lightning storms.

Dean: That's what we said!

Sam: So what do you think?

Dean: There's nothing to think about. We're not gonna leave Bobby at home with the bride of Frankenstein.

[Dean is eating pie in Bobby's kitchen. There are pies everywhere.]

Dean: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you like pies.

[Mrs. Jones keeps gesturing for Sam to come closer.]

Sam: I'm gonna regret this.

Sam: The last time I checked, the sheriff was pretty pro-zombie.

Dean: You got anymore ammo? I'm low...

Bobby: Yeah, we got plenty. Just run back past the zombies, it's in the van where we left it.

Dean: A simple no would have been fine.

[In a closet with zombies banging on the door.]

Bobby: Kind of a tight fit, don't ya think.

Dean: It's alright. They're idiots. They can't pick a lock. [The lock starts to get picked.]

Bobby: Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Dean: I'm making this stuff up as I go. Sue me!

Bobby: She was the love of my life; how many times do I gotta kill her?

Roy: Looking for this?

Dean: [Dean wakes up and sees that he and Sam are held at gunpoint] Morning.

Walt: Shoot him.

Dean: Go ahead Roy, do it. But I'm gonna warn you, when I come back, I'm gonna be pissed.

Castiel: Dean!

Dean: Cas?

Castiel: [speaking through the Impala's radio] Yeah, it's me.

Dean: [opens the door and gets in the Impala] You gotta stop poking around in my dreams; I need some 'me' time.

Castiel: Listen to me very closely. This isn't a dream.

Dean: ...Then what is it?

Castiel: Deep down, you already know.

Dean: ...I'm dead.

Castiel: Condolences.

[Sam is at a family dinner when Dean walks in.]

Dean: Wow. Just wow.

Sam: Heaven?

Dean: Yeah.

Sam: OK, how are we in heaven?

Dean: All that clean living, I guess.

Sam: No, no...um, Okay, you, I get, sure. But me, maybe you haven't noticed but, um, I've done a few things.

Dean: You thought you were doing the right thing.

Sam: Last I checked, it wasn't the road to heaven that was paved with good intentions.

Dean: Yeah, well if this is the Skymall, it sucks. I mean, where's the triplets and the latex, you know? Come on, a guy has needs.

Dean: Wait, so playing footsie with braceface in there that...that's a trophy moment for you?

Sam: This was my first real Thanksgiving.

Dean: What are you talking about? We had Thanksgiving every year.

Sam: We had a bucket of extra crispy and Dad passed out on the couch.

Sam: What are you doing?

Dean: What's it look?

Sam: Like you've lost your mind.

Castiel: The rumor is he talks to God.

Dean: And? So?

Castiel: Do you think maybe, just maybe, we should find out what the hell God has been saying?

Sam: Dad said they always had the perfect marriage.

Dean: It wasn't perfect until after she died.

Sam: I just never realized how long you've been cleaning up dad's messes.

Zachariah: Wow. Running from angels...on foot...in Heaven. With out-of-the-box thinking like that, I'm surprised you boys haven't stopped the Apocalypse already.

Zachariah: Guys come on, you can run, but you can't run.

Sam: So there are two heavens?

Ash: No more like 100 billion. So no worries, it'll take those angel boys a minute to catch up. See, you got to stop thinking of Heaven as one place. It's more like a buttload of places. All crammed together. Like Disneyland. Except without all the anti-Semitism.

Ash: I have been all over. Johnny Cash. Andre the Giant. Einstein. Sam that man can mix a white Russian. Hell, the other day I found Mel Vātsyāyana

Sam: Who?

Ash: Wrote the Kama Sutra. That boy's heaven...all sweaty and confusing.

Ash: You boys die more than anyone I have ever met.

Pamela: [Hits Dean on the head] That's for getting me killed.

Dean: Yeah, well that's probably less than I deserve. If it makes you feel better, we got Ask killed too.

Ash: I'm cool with it!

Dean: He's cool with it.

Ash: All access pass to the Magic Kingdom.

Ash: Ah, gentlemen, I don't mean to be a downer, but, uh, I'm sure I'll see you again soon.

Zachariah: Did you really think you could just sneak past me into Mission Control?

Zachariah: We're going to be logging a lot of quality time together. I've discovered your mother is quite the MILF.

Zachariah: In Heaven I have six wings and four faces, one of which is a lion!

Dean: What are you gonna ball gag us until we say yes? Huh? I've heard that too.

Zachariah: I'm gonna do more than that, I've cleared my schedule.

Zachariah: The last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me. And I'll tell you why. Lucifer may be strong; but I'm...petty.

Joshua: Excuse me, sir?

Zachariah: I'm in a meeting.

Joshua: I'm sorry, I need to speak to those two.

Zachariah: Excuse me?

Joshua: It's a bad time, I know. But I'm afraid I have to insist.

Zachariah: You don't get to insist jack squat.

Joshua: No, you're right. But the boss does. His orders.

Zachariah: You're lying.

Joshua: Wouldn't lie about this. Look, fire me if you want. Sooner or later, He's gonna come back home, and you know how He is with that whole wrath thing.

Sam: A wedding? Seriously?

Dean: Is that a twelve year old packing salt rounds?

Leah: It's Sam and Dean Winchester. They're safe. I know all about them.

Dean: You do?

Leah: Sure. From the angels.

Dean: Angels. Awesome.

Dean: Let me guess before you see something you get a really bad migraine; you see flashing lights.

Leah: How'd you know?

Dean: Because you're not the first prophet we've met, but you are the cutest. [He sees Leah's father glaring at him.] I mean that with total respect of course.

Castiel's voicemail: You have reached the voicemail of

Castiel's voice: I don't understand. Why, why do you want me to say my name?

[sound of numbers being pressed followed by a beep]

Pastor Gideon: Our Father in Heaven...

Dean: [Whispers to Sam] Yeah, not so much.

Dylan: Dean, Sam.

Dean: Yo.

Dylan: Hey so um, is-is that, is that cool if I get a ride back with you guys?

Dean: Hey you saved my ass twice already. One more time, you can drive.

Sam: [To Dean] No drinking, no gambling, no premarital sex. Dean, they basically just outlawed 90 percent of your personality.

Dean: Where have you been?

Sam: Drinking.

Dean: You rebel.

Dean: Angel world, angel rules man.

Sam: And since when is that okay with you?

Dean: Since the Angels got the only lifeboats on the Titanic.

Sam: Are you...drunk?

Castiel: No! [brief pause] Yes.

Sam: What the hell happened to you?

Castiel: I found a liquor store.

Sam: And?

Castiel: And I drank it.

Sam: Are you ok ?

Drunk Castiel: ...Don't ask stupid questions.

Sam: I'm pretty sure she is. Visions, headaches, the whole package.

Castiel: The names of all the prophets are seared into my brain. Leah Gideon is not one of them.

Dean: Where the hell have you been?!

Castiel: On a bender!

Dean: Did he-did you say on a bender?

Sam: Yeah, he's still pretty smashed.

Castiel: It...is not of import.

Dean: What is she exactly?

Castiel: The whore.

Dean: Wow, Cas, tell us what you really think...

Castiel: Book of Revelation calls her the Whore of Babylon.

Dean: And the Enochian exorcism?

Castiel: Fake. It actually means "You breed with the mouth of a goat"...[Sam and Dean look at him] It's funnier in Enochian.

Castiel: Her goal is to condemn as many souls to hell as possible. And it's just beginning. She's well on her way to dragging this whole town into the pit.

Dean: Alright. So then how do we go Pimp of Babylon all over this bitch?

Castiel: The Whore can only be killed by a true servant of Heaven.

Dean: Servant like...?

Castiel: Not you, or me. Sam of course is an abomination. We'll have to find someone else.

Pastor Gideon: Why does it have to be me?

Castiel: 'Cause you're a servant of heaven.

Gideon: And you're an angel.

Castiel: A poor example of one.

Dean: Heads up. [He tosses Castiel a bottle of aspirin.]

Castiel: How many should I take?

Dean: You? You should probably down the whole bottle.

Castiel: Thanks.

Dean: Yeah, don't mention it. I've been there. I'm a big expert on dead beat dads. So, yeah, I get it. I know how you feel.

Castiel: How do you manage it?

Dean: On a good day you get to kill a whore.

Jane: I don't understand. How are we supposed to get to paradise now?

Dean: I'm sorry. Pretty sure you're heading in a different direction.

Dean: I have no illusions. 'Kay, I know the life that I live. I know how its going to end for me. Whatever. I'm okay with that. But I wanted you to know, that when I do picture myself happy, it's with you. And the kid.

Zachariah: All they care about upstairs, ain't it? Results, results, results. They don't know. They're not down on the ground, in the mud, nose to nose with all you pig-filthy humans. Am I right?

Stuart: Absolutely-filthy what?

Stuart: Earthquake?

Zachariah: No. My boss.

Dean: Eight months of turned pages and screwed pooches. But tonight, tonight's the night when the magic happens.

Dean: What is that?

Bobby: That's the round I mean to put through my skull. Every morning, I look at it. I think, "Maybe today is the day I flip the lights out." But I don't do it. I never do it. You know why? Because I promised you I wouldn't give up!

Adam: Where am I?

Sam: It's okay. Just relax. You're safe.

Adam: Who the hell are you?

Dean: Well you're going to find this a little- a lot crazy.

Dean: So, why don't you just tell us everything. Start from the beginning.

Adam: Well, I was dead and in Heaven...except it-it, uh, kind of looked like my prom. And I was making out with this girl. Her-her name was Kristin McGee.

Dean: Yeah, that sounds like Heaven. Did you get to third base?

Sam: Just, uh...just keep going.

Castiel: Maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them.

Dean: You know what, blow me Cas.

Sam: There's another way.

Adam: Great, what is it?

Dean: Well, we're working on the power of love.

Adam: How's that going?

Dean: Not good.

Sam: Adam, you may not believe it but Dad was trying to protect you by keeping you from this.

Adam: Well I guess the monster that ate me didn't get that memo.

Sam: You remember that?

Adam: Oh yeah.

Sam: Still trust me. The one thing worse than seeing dad once a year was seeing him all year.

Sam: From here on out-

Adam: What? We gonna hop in the family truckster? Pop on down to Wally World?

[Castiel stares intently at Dean in silence]

Dean: Cass, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that...I got laid.

[Dean is locked in a room with Sam]

Dean: Is this really necessary?

Sam: Well...I mean we got our hands full Dean, we've got a house full of flight risks.

Bobby: Where's Cas?

Sam: Blown to Oz. Look, I'll get Dean. He couldn't have gone too far. Just watch Adam.

Bobby: How? You may have noticed, he's got a slight height advantage.

Zachariah: So you know you can't trust them, right? You know Sam and Dean Winchester are psychotically, irrationally, erotically codependent on each other, right?

Zachariah: Hell, they'd rather save each other's sweet bacon than save the planet.

[Dean sees a person preaching on the sidewalk.]

Dean: Hey, I'm Dean Winchester. Do you know who I am?

Preacher: Dear God!

Dean: I'll take that as a yes. Listen I need you to pray to your angel buddies and let 'em that I'm here. [The preacher starts to pray]

Castiel: You pray too loud. [Cas touches the preacher, knocking him unconscious before grabbing Dean and slamming him up against a wall]

Dean: What are you, crazy?

Castiel: [punches Dean's face twice] I REBELLED FOR THIS?! [slams Dean into another wall and hits him a few more times] So you could surrender to them?!

Dean: Cass...Please...

Castiel: I gave everything for you! And this is what you give to me? [hits Dean again and kicks him into a fence, Dean falls to the ground]

Dean: [looks at Cass, who's standing over him with his hands clenched into fists] Do it. Just do it. [Cass unclenches his hands and touches Dean's shoulder, knocking him unconscious]

Sam: Bobby, what do you mean Adam is gone?

Bobby: Should I say it in Spanish?

Sam: What the hell happened to him?!

Castiel: [Carrying bloodied, unconscious Dean] Me.

Zachariah: Hey, don't get me wrong. You've been a hell of a sport, really. Good stuff. But the thing is, you're not so much the Chosen One as you are...a clammy scrap of bait.

Adam: Yeah, but what about the stuff that you said? I'm supposed to fight the Devil.

Zachariah: Mmmm...Not so much. Hey, if it's any consolation, you happen to be the illegitimate half-brother of the guy we do care about. That's not bad, is it?

Adam: So you lied. About everything.

Zachariah: We didn't lie. We just avoided certain truths to manipulate you.

Adam: Oh, you son of a bitch.

Zachariah: Hey, how do you think how I feel? I'm the one that's gotta put up with that dumb slack-jawed look on your face.

Adam: I'm not gonna let you do this.

Zachariah: Cool your jets corky.

Dean: [to Sam, referring to Castiel] Word to the wise...don't piss off the nerd angels.

Dean: Where's the beautiful room?

Castiel: In there.

Dean: The beautiful room is in an abandoned muffler factory in Van Nuys, California?

Castiel: Where'd you think it was?

Dean: I don't know. Jupiter? A blade of grass? Not Van Nuys.

Dean: Tell me again why you don't just grab Adam and shazaam the hell out of there.

Castiel: Because there are at least five angels in there.

Dean: So, you're fast.

Castiel: They're faster.

Zachariah: I should've trusted the boss man. It's all turning out like he said: you, me, your hemorrhaging brothers.

Zachariah: [grabbing Dean close] Listen to me! You are nothing but a maggot inside a worm's ass! Do you know what I am, once I deliever you to Michael?!

Dean: Expendable.

Zachariah: Michael's not gonna kill me!

Dean: Maybe not. But I am! [stabs Zachariah through the chin and out the top of his head with an angel's sword, killing him]

Dean: I don't know if it's being a big brother or what, but to me, you've always been this snot-nosed kid that I've had to keep on the straight and narrow. I think we both know that's not you anymore. I mean, hell, if you're grown up enough to find faith in me, the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny right in the face. I say we take the fight to them and do it our way.

Sam: What's a four star hotel doing on a no star highway?

Dean: Please be tomato soup, please be tomato soup. [Finds eyeballs in the soup] Motel Hell.

Baldur: Some ground rules: No slaughtering each other. Curb your wrath. Oh, and, uh, keep your hands off the local virgins, we're trying to keep a low profile here.

Sam: Gods?...Oh, we are so, so screwed.

Zao Shen: Here we go...

Odin: Oh, yeah? And why is that? Because your beliefs are so much more realistic? The whole world's getting carried around on the back of a giant turtle? [laughs] Give me a break.

Zao Shen: Don't mock my world turtle.

Odin: [stands up] What are you gonna do about it?

Zao Shen: I'm gonna send you packing to Valhalla!

Odin: You watch your mouth when you're talking to me, boy!

Zao Shen: Boy? I'm older than you.

Odin: No one's ever proved that!

Dean: Ok...Did that...Holy Crap!

Sam: Yeah, tell me about it. By the way, next time I say "let's keep driving," uh...let's keep driving!

Gabriel: And when are you ever lucky?

Dean: You know what? Bite me, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Maybe later, big boy.

Gabriel: I'm the Costner to your Houston. I'm here to save your ass.

Dean: You want to pull us out of the fire?

Gabriel: Bingo.

Dean: And why do you care?

Gabriel: I don't...care. But...me and Kali, we, uh...had a thing. Chick was all hands...[Dean looks away] WHAT can I say, I'm sentimental!

Sam: Do they have a chance? Against Satan?

Dean: Really, Sam?

Sam: You got a better idea, Dean?

Gabriel: It's a bad idea. Lucifer's gonna turn them into fingerpaint.

Dean: They called you Loki, right? Which means they don't really know who you are?

Gabriel: Told you. I'm in witness protection.

Dean: Ok, well then how about you do what we say, or we tell the, uh, Legion of Doom about your secret identity. They don't seen like a real Pro Angel kinda crowd.

Gabriel: I'll take your voices away.

Dean: We'll write it down.

Gabriel: I'll cut off your hands.

Dean: Well, then people are gonna be asking "Why are you guys running around with no hands?"

Gabriel: [after a pause] FINE!

Gabriel: I've tousled with those winged ass monkeys, once or twice.

Kali: Westerners, I swear, the sheer arrogance. You think you're the only ones on earth? You pillage and you butcher in your God's name, but you're not the only religion, and He's not the only God. And now you think you can just rip the planet apart? You're wrong. There are billions of us, and we were here first. If anyone gets to end this world, it's me.

Dean: Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up.

Sam: Are you out of your mind?

Dean: I'm out of options.

Dean: We can either take on the Devil together, or you lame-ass bitches can eat me. Literally.

Dean: There's nothing natural about this at all. I thought you were dead.

Gabriel: You think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me.

Dean: Then what do they have in there?

Gabriel: A fake. Made it out of a can of Diet Orange Slice.

Kali: So you're going to summon Lucifer?

Sam: Sort of. I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running.

Kali: Breaking them would be easier.

Lucifer: You know, I never understood you pagans. You're such petty little things. Always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind. No wonder you forfeited this planet to us. You are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. And yet you claim to be gods. [snaps Mercury's neck and smirks] And they call me prideful.

Gabriel: Luci, I'm home!

Gabriel: Lucifer...you're my brother, and I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks.

Lucifer: What did you say to me?

Gabriel: Look at yourself...Boo hoo, Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all his toys.

Lucifer: Watch your tone.

Gabriel: Play the victim all you want, but you and me, we know the truth. Dad loved you best, more than Michael, more than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So all of this is just a great big temper tantrum. Time to grow up.

Lucifer: Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael...

Gabriel: Screw him. If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass, too.

Gabriel: I've been riding the pine a long time, but I'm in the game now. And I'm not on your side or Michael's, I'm on theirs.

Gabriel: [to Sam and Dean] Without me, you got zero shot at killing Lucifer. Sorry. But...you can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from, it's still down there, and maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You got to get the cage open, trick my bro back into it, and, uh, oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God Squad. But hey - details, right? And here's the big secret, Lucifer himself doesn't even know. But the key to the cage, it's out there. Actually it's keys, plural, four keys. Well, four rings...from the Horsemen. You get 'em all, you got the cage.

[Overhearing Dean and Sam's conversation]

Doctor: Did you just say that a bunch of statues started crying?

Sam: What? What? No, no. Who-who...

Dean: Who would say that? Crazy people.

Sam: Exactly.

Dean: Which we are not.

Sam: You want to talk? After what you did to us?

Crowley: After what...what I did to you? I gave you the Colt!

Sam: Yeah, and you knew it wouldn't work against the Devil!

Crowley: I never!

Sam: You set us up. We lost people on that suicide run, good people!

Crowley: [referring to Sam] Call your dog off.

Crowley: [referring to demons] They burned down my house! They ate my tailor!

Crowley: I've sold sin to saints for centuries. You think I can't close one little demon?

Crowley: Sam's not coming.

Sam: And why the hell not?

Crowley: Because I don't like you. I don't trust you. And oh yes, and you keep trying to kill me!

Sam: There's no damn way! This isn't gonna happen.

Crowley: I'm not asking you, am I? Cause you're not invited.

Bobby: Are you idgits trying to kill me?!

Sam: Bobby.

Bobby: We just got done talking your brother off the edge and now you're lining up to say yes?!

Crowley: Go get him tiger.

Dean: You're not coming?

Crowley: Oh no, it's not safe up there. There's demons.

Brady: See, War and Famine, even if I could cram the rings back on their bony fingers, I doubt it would do much good. They're withered husks right now, fetal position on the floor, all thanks to you. So I don't want the rings. What I want is retribution. And I'm going to rip it right out of your ass!

Crowley: What? It went like clockwork.

Dean: Not for me, you son of a bitch!

Crowley: That's what you get working with a demon.

Crowley: Look we can't take this guy back to your brother.

Dean: Why the hell not?

[Crowley doesn't answer him and just looks around.]

Sam: You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch! You introduced me to Jess!

Brady: Ding, ding, I think he's got it.

Dean: How'd it go? Did he buy your Girl Scout cookies?

Crowley: Not yet. Where's your moose?

Brady: Well here we go. Are we doing last words or no?

Brady: What did you do?

Crowley: Went over to a demon's nest, had a little massacre. Must be losing my touch, though. Let one of the little toads live. Oops! Also might have given said toad the impression that you left your post last night because you and I are...wait for it...Lovers in League Against Satan. Hello darling. So now death is off the table. Now you get to be on the boss's eternal torment list with little old me.

Brady: Oh no no no no. No!

Crowley: Something else we have in common, apart from our torrid passion, of course: craven self-preservation.

Sam: You're saying a hellhound followed you here?

Crowley: [Referring to demon tracking coin] Well, technically he followed this.

[Crowley disappears leaving Sam and Dean to deal with the Hellhounds.]

Sam: I told you!

Dean: Oh well good for you!

Brady: Dammit get me out of here!

Dean & Sam: Shut up!

Dean: You're back?

Crowley: I'm invested. Currently. [Hellhound growls] Stay!

Dean: You can control them?!

Crowley: Not that one. [pats his Hellhound which appears to be about 5 feet high based on position of his hand] I brought my own. Mine's bigger. Sick 'em, boy!

Crowley: [referring to his Hellhound] I'll wager 1,000 my pup wins.

Brady: What is this?

Dean: All those angels, all those demons, all those sons of bitches...they just don't get it, do they, Sammy?

Sam: No, they don't, Dean.

Dean: You see, Brady, we're the ones you should be afraid of.

Brady: Maybe the only difference between you and a demon, is your hell is right here.

Sam: [Kills Brady] Interesting theory.

Bobby: You know where Death is?

Crowley: [pauses] No. Not in the foggiest.

Bobby: Get the hell off my property before I blast you so full of rock salt, you crap margaritas.

Crowley: Let's just say, when they're getting the Grammy's they shouldn't all be thanking God.

Bobby: Get out!

Crowley: I'll give it right back.

Bobby: Do you think I'm a natural born idgit?

Celeste: Are you going to cure me?

Pestilence: No. You're going to die. In 4...3...2... [Celeste vomits on him a la Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" and dies] Interesting.

Dean: Did you know about this?

Bobby: What?

Dean: About Sam's genius plan to say yes to the devil? [Bobby doesn't say anything, then slowly nods.] WELL THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP!

Dean: Where the hell are you man?

Castiel: A hospital.

Dean: Are you okay?

Castiel: No.

Dean: [Long pause] You wanna elaborate?

Dean: Alright. Well no worries. Bobby's here. He'll wire you the cash.

Bobby: I will?

Dean: It's like a full color brochure for dying young. Of course, to Pestilence, it's probably Dollywood in there.

Sam: Hey...what are we even looking for?

Dean: Well, he's Pestilence so he probably looks sick.

Sam: Everybody looks sick.

Nurse: Sir...the Winchesters are here. We should go.

Pestilence: [laughs] Are you kidding me?

Nurse: They have a track record with Horsemen.

Pestilence: You mean my brothers...What they did to my brothers...The only reasonable thing to do here is to take it out on their healthy young asses.

Nurse: We're under strict orders not to kill the vessels.

Pestilence: Well, if Satan wants them so bad, he can GLUE THEM BACK TOGETHER!

Pestilence: However you feel right now, it's going to get so very very much worse. Questions?

Dean: Cas?

Pestilence: How'd you get here?

Castiel: I took a bus.

Dean: So please tell us you have actual good news.

Bobby: Chicago is about to be wiped off the map. Storm of the millennium. Sets off a daisy chain of natural disasters. Three million people are gonna die.

Castiel: I don't understand your definition of good news.

Bobby: Well Death, the horsemen, he's going to be there. And if we can stop him before he kick starts the storm and get his ring back.

Dean: Yeah! You make it sound so easy.

Bobby: The world's gonna end. Seems stupid to get all precious over one little soul.

Dean: You sold your soul?

Crowley: More like pawned it. I fully intend to give it back.

Dean: Well then give it back!

Crowley: I will.

Dean: Now!

Sam: Did you kiss him?

Dean: Sam!

Sam: Just wondering.

Bobby: [awkward silence] No!

Crowley: [coughs, shows photo of him and Bobby kissing on his iPhone]

Bobby: Why'd you take a picture?!

Crowley: Why'd you have to use tongue?

[Sam and Dean have a heart to heart talk.]

Crowley: And...scene.

Sam: So Pestilence was spreading swine flu.

Dean: Yeah, but not just for giggles. That was step one. Step two is the vaccine. And you think...?

Crowley: I know. I'll stake my reputation that vaccine is chock full of Grade A, farm-fresh, Croatoan virus.

Sam: Simultaneous countrywide distribution. That's quite a plan.

Crowley: You don't get to be Horsemen for nothing. So you boys better stock up on...well, everything. This time next Thursday, we'll all be living in Zombieland.

Castiel: It's the eleventh hour and I am useless. All I have is this. [Indicates shotgun in his hand] What am I even supposed to do with it?

Bobby: Point it and shoot.

Castiel: What I used to be-

Bobby: Are you really going to bitch to me?

[Later Castiel shoots a "zombie" to save Sam's life]

Castiel: Actually these things can be useful.

Castiel: How did you get that?

Crowley: Hello, King of the Crossroads.

Crowley: Bobby, are you just going to sit there?

Bobby: No, I'm going to river dance.

Crowley: Well I suppose if you wanna impress the ladies.

Dean: Bobby sold his soul for this!

Crowley: Relax. All deals are soul back or store credit. We'll catch Death in the next doomed city.

Dean: Millions, Crowley! Millions of people are about to die any minute!

Crowley: True. So I strongly suggest we get out of here.

Dean: So what, call in a bomb threat, a thousand bomb threats? I mean, how the hell am I supposed to get three million people out of Chicago in the next ten minutes?

Bobby: Can we commit our act of domestic terrorism already? Let's go!

Death: This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that's barely out of its diapers. I'm old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Dean: Well I gotta ask: How old are you?

Death: As old as God. Maybe older. Neither of us can remember anymore. Life, death, chicken, egg – regardless, at the end, I'll reap Him too.

Dean: God? You'll reap God?

Death: Oh yes. God will die too, Dean.

Dean: Well, this is way above my pay grade.

Death: Just a bit.

Death: Lucifer has me bound to him, some unseemly little spell. He has me where he wants, when he wants. That's why I couldn't go to you, I had to wait for you to catch up. He made me his weapon. Hurricanes, floods, raising the dead. I'm more powerful than you can process, and I'm enslaved to a bratty child having a tantrum.

Dean: What about Chicago?

Death: I suppose it can stay. I like the pizza.

Chuck: On April 21, 1967, the 100 millionth GM vehicle rolled off the line at the plant in Janesville-a blue two-door Caprice. There was a big ceremony, speeches, the lieutenant governor even showed up. Three days later, another car rolled off that same line. No one gave two craps about her. But they should have. because this 1967 Chevrolet Impala would turn out to be the most important car-no, the most important object-in pretty much the whole universe.

Dean: I'm on board.

Sam: You're gonna let me say yes?

Dean: No, that's the thing. It's not on me to let you do anything. You're a grown-well, overgrown-man. If this is what you want, I'll back your play.

Sam: That's the last thing I thought you'd ever say.

Dean: Might be.

Sam: Take care of these guys, okay?

Castiel: That's not possible.

Sam: Then humor me.

Castiel: Oh. I was supposed to lie. [Chuckles] Uh...sure. They'll be fine...

Sam: Just-just stop...talking.

Chuck: The Impala, of course, has all the things other cars have...and a few things they don't. But none of that stuff's important. This is the stuff that's important. The army man that Sam crammed in the ashtray-it's still stuck there. The Legos that Dean shoved into the vents. To this day, heat comes on, they can hear 'em rattle. These are the things that make the car theirs. Really theirs. Even when Dean rebuilt it from the ground up, he made sure all these little things stayed. 'Cause it's the blemishes that make her beautiful.

Lucifer: Sorry if it's a bit chilly. Most people think I burn hot. It's actually quite the opposite.

Dean: Well, I'll alert the media.

Lucifer: A wrestling match inside your noggin. I like the idea. Just you and me, one round, no tricks. You win, you jump in the hole. I win...well, then I win. What do you say, Sam? A fiddle of gold against your soul says I'm better than you.

Castiel: It's starting.

Dean: Yeah, you think, genius?

Castiel: You don't have to be mean.

Dean: So, what do we do now?

Castiel: I suggest we imbibe copious quantities of alcohol...just wait for the inevitable blast wave.

Dean: Yes, well, thank you, Bukowski.

Chuck: In between jobs, Sam and Dean would sometimes get a day-sometimes a week, if they were lucky. They'd pass the time lining their pockets. Sam used to insist on honest work, but now he hustles pool, like his brother. They could go anywhere and do anything. They drove a thousand miles for an Ozzy show. Two days for a Jayhawks game. And when it was clear, they'd park her in the middle of nowhere, sit on the hood, and watch the stars...for hours...without saying a word. It never occurred to them that, sure, maybe they never really had a roof and four walls but they were never, in fact, homeless.

Dean: Hey. We need to talk.

Lucifer: Dean, even for you, this is a whole new mountain of stupid.

Castiel: Hey assbutt! [hits Michael with holy-oil molotov cocktail]

Michael: [screams and disappears]

Dean: Assbutt?

Castiel: He will be back, and upset. But you got your five minutes.

Lucifer: Castiel, did you just molotov my brother with holy fire?

Castiel: [Frightened] Uh, no?

Lucifer: No one dicks with Michael but me. [Snaps fingers, Castiel explodes]

Dean: Cass, you're alive?

Castiel: I'm better than that. [heals Dean, demonstrating his restored powers]

Dean: ...Cass, are you God?

Castiel: [smiles] That's a nice compliment. But no, though I do believe He brought me back. New and improved. [resurrects Bobby]

Chuck: Endings are hard. Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end, but you never can. The fans are always gonna bitch. There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending, it's all supposed to add up to something. I'm telling you, they're a raging pain in the ass.

Chuck: This is the last Dean and Bobby will see of each other for a very long time. And for the record, at this point next week, Bobby will be hunting a Roogaru outside of Dayton. But not Dean. Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got wants to die or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.

Chuck: So what's it all add up to? It's hard to say. But me, I'd say this was a test...for Sam and Dean. And I think they did all right. Up against good, evil, angels, devils, destiny, and God Himself, they made their own choice. They chose family. And, well...isn't that kinda the whole point? No doubt-endings are hard. But then again...nothing ever really ends, does it? [Smiles to himself before disappearing into thin air]

Diggle: Felicity, if you're so scared, why did you insist on sitting up front?

Felicity: It was the only seat with a seat belt.

Diggle: Which will come in handy when we hit the water at 180 miles per hour.

Felicity: What?

Diggle: Which will not happen.

Oliver: The city still needs saving. But not by the Hood. Or some vigilante who's just crossing names off a list. It needs something more.

Diggle: It needs a hero, Oliver.

Felicity: It's too bad The Hoods kind of ruined your nickname.

Oliver: No, it's good. I don't want to be called The Hood anymore.

Diggle: Okay. So what do you want to be called? [close up of the green arrow on the shaft]

Shado: You've come very far in a few months. Don't beat yourself up.

Oliver: Apparently that's his job.

Slade: And I love my job.

Thea: Eavesdrop much?

Roy: Ah, what I lack in height, I make up for in wicked good hearing.

Roy: You go see your mom yet?

Thea: I thought about what you said.

Roy: And?

Thea: And... I'll go see her when you stop going out at night looking to clean up the streets.

Roy: What does one thing have to do with the other?

Thea: I guess they're both things that are never going to happen.

Thea: What happened? Are you hurt?

Roy: Fender bender.

Laurel: He totaled his car playing Hood Junior.

Roy: At least it wasn't my car.

Felicity: Did you know I went to M.I.T.? Guess what I majored in? Hint - Not the secretarial arts.

Oliver: Felicity! We all need to have secret identities now. If I'm going to be Oliver Queen CEO, then I can't very well travel down 18 floors every time you and I need to discuss how we spend our nights.

Felicity: And I love spending the night with you. [she pauses as she realises what she's just said] 3, 2, 1. I worked very hard to get where I am, and it wasn't so I can fetch you coffee.

Diggle: Well, it could be worse. My secret identity is his black driver.

Oliver: Ms. Smoak. Would you get my guest and I some coffee?

Felicity: You know, I would, Mr. Queen, but it seems that someone has broken the coffeemaker. [whispers] Violently.

China: They still won't see you as anything more than the enemy. You'll never be anything but a criminal to them. Which means you'll never be a hero.

Arrow: As long as this city is safe, it doesn't matter.

Shado: No island, no place, can make you something you're not.

Oliver: So I've always been a killer?

Shado: Everyone has a demon inside of them. The "dao de jing" recognizes the yin and the yang, opposing forces inside all of us. The darkness and the light. The killer and the hero.

[The Arrow shoots Tony Daniel in the shoulder with an arrow.]

Quentin: What the hell are you doing? I thought you were done killing people!

Arrow: He'll live.

Quentin: Yeah, but he'll report me to my lieutenant!

Arrow: He won't talk to anyone.

Quentin: What makes you so sure?

Arrow: Because he has another shoulder. [digs the arrow deeper into Daniel's shoulder]

Quentin: So how did you get the charges dropped?

Laurel: Your friend Pike and I have been working together on the anti-vigilante task force. Do you remember?

Quentin: Hmm. Last year you were working with the Arrow. What a difference a few months makes.

Laurel: The Arrow?

Quentin: Yeah. Seems more appropriate than the Hood.

Barton Mathis: What comes next is really quite exquisite. The sound of an esophagus slowly hardening. Like a symphony.

Roy: I'm looking for someone. A blonde, who likes black leather.

Fence: Sounds like your type.

Roy: And beats the crap out of guys with a bo staff.

Fence: That still sounds like your type.

Adam Donner: Your client aided and abetted an act of mass murder. Five hundred and three conversations wouldn't convince me that Moira Queen shouldn't be the 504th fatality.

Sebastian Blood: Sooner or later, we all go through a crucible. I'm guessing yours was that island. Most believe there are two types of people who go into a crucible. The ones who become stronger from the experience and survive it, and the ones who die. But there's a third type. The ones who learn to love the fire and choose to stay in their crucible because it's easier to embrace the pain when it's all you know anymore.

Oliver: Hey.

Laurel: Please do not ask me if I am okay because I am sick of everyone asking me that.

Oliver: I would never do that.

Laurel: Good.

Oliver: Are you okay?

Sin: [about Roy] You know you're dating a moron, right?

Thea: It's my first and last thought of every day.

Sin: Crap. I like her.

Sin: You have family in Starling?

Sara Lance: Yeah. My father, he's a - he's a policeman. And my sister, she's a lawyer.

Sin: Well, they must be proud of their masked delinquent.

Sara: Yeah, they think I'm dead.

Sin: Oh, cool. My folks think I'm dead, too. That, or they wish I'd never been born.

Diggle: You know, Oliver, somebody once told me that secrets have weight. The more you keep, the harder it is to keep moving.

Oliver: You see how hard I work out.

Dark Archer Stick: Guns' are a coward's weapon. What are you without your sidearm?

Quentin: [shoots assassin] A guy with a spare.

Sara: Dig, you may be a three-tour special forces veteran, but I was trained by the people that make the special forces look like a kindergarten class so step aside, or be put down.

Diggle: It's your funeral Sara.

Sara: It wouldn't be my first.

Sara: I'm sorry you saw that. I can't imagine what you must think of me.

Quentin: I think you're a survivor. I think you're one of the bravest people I've ever known. You're my daughter. It's time for you to come back home.

Felicity: What's the League of Assassins? And please, don't say that they're a league made up of assassins.

Sara: There were things that I did; things that I had to do to survive. Things that there's no forgiveness for.

Oliver: Well, that's the thing about forgiveness-you can't get it until you ask for it.

Diggle: Who are you people? NSA? CIA?

Amanda Waller: My name is Amanda Waller.

Diggle: I thought you A.R.G.U.S. guys were supposed to be more subtle.

Amanda: For us, this was subtle.

Diggle: Then I want to see Lyla Michaels.

Amanda: So do I. Agent Michaels has gone dark.

Diggle: Lyla's missing? What happened?

Amanda: She was running down a lead in Moscow. She's missed two of her scheduled call-ins.

Diggle: What are you doing about it?

Amanda: Speaking to you. Even if we knew where in Russia Lyla is, my superiors believe sending in an extraction team could cause an international incident. As far as they're concerned, she's already framed a picture on our lobby wall.

Diggle: Why are you telling all me of this?

Amanda: Because I know how you and Oliver Queen spend your nights.

Felicity: This is Knyazev's man inside the prison. A guard.

Oliver: He'll know where in the Gulag Lyla is being held.

Felicity: When all hell breaks loose, you need to meet us at the rendevous point with Lyla, or...

Diggle: Or I'm a permanent Russian.

Felicity: What were you thinking?

Oliver: What?

Felicity: Over 64 million woman over the age of consent in Russia and you sleep with her.

Oliver: So... We're not doing the "What happens in Russia stays in Russia"?

Felicity: We're still in Russia.

Slade: I will not be the reason something happens to you.

Shado: Then we're in agreement. Because I make my own choices.

Slade: You are a strong woman.

Shado: When I care about someone, there's nothing I won't do for them.

Slade: Another thing... we have in common.

Deadshot: If I say she's in there, what's keeping you from shooting me?

Diggle: Honor. You should try it sometime.

The Count: You should know I find post-hoc negotiations distasteful.

Felicity: Oliver, don't! Not for me.

The Count: Quiet please, I'm threatening!

Oliver: What do you want?

The Count: World peace and personal satisfaction. Though not necessarily in that order.

Felicity: Vertigo! Gotcha!

The Count: That's funny, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Moira: They said you were dead.

Merlyn: There are parts of the world where death is an illusion. I've been to one. I've learned to be very convincing.

Felicity: Mrs. Queen, welcome back to the company.

Moira: Thank you.

Felicity: You look fabulous. Really. Better than ever. Did you do something to your hair?

Moira: Yes. I shampooed it without eight woman and a guard watching me.

Felicity: [giggles] Is it okay to laugh? Because I was ordered not say anything about you being in prison just to avoid any awkward exchanges.

[Moira walks away, with Oliver following.]

Oliver: [whispers to Felicity] Like that one.

Barry: [discussing the Arrow] Police reports show he uses carbon arrows. But if he switched to an aluminum-carbon composite, he would have far better penetration.

Felicity: Maybe he thinks he penetrates just fine.

Moira: And I thought it couldn't hurt to add extra security guards.

[Merlyn enters the room.]

Merlyn: It hurt them. [tosses guns to the floor] Badly. Have you prepared Thea?

Moira: No. You will not go near Thea, you will not speak to her and you will never set foot in this house again.

Merlyn: I set you free, Moira. Your life belongs to me.

Moira: I am through being afraid of you.

Merlyn: You think you can stop me? Even the vigilante couldn't kill me.

Moira: No, he couldn't. But I know someone who can. Ra's al Ghul.

Merlyn: How do you know that name?

Moira: Well, I didn't. Until you mentioned Nanda Parbat. The League of Assassins, however twisted their aims, believes very deeply in a code of honor. Your undertaking betrayed that code.

Merlyn: You told Ra's I'm alive?

Moira: He was so grateful to hear it. Because he so very much wants to kill you himself. So my advice to you, Malcolm... Run.

Arrow: Who are you?

Cyrus Gold: Merely a follower.

Arrow: Of who?

Cyrus: My brother.

Arrow: Did he give you the Mirakuru? Did he inject you with it?

Cyrus: No. He saved me with it.

Quentin: Any idea what these guys were so hot to break in here for? You didn't happen to leave a spare earthquake machine lying around, did you? [Oliver stares] Sorry.

Oliver: Roy, this is going to hurt.

Roy: My anger is dulling the pain.

Sin: [holding a bottle of vodka] This will dull it better.

Oliver: Barry. The rat poison that you gave me... are there any side effects?

Barry Allen: Uh, yeah, I think hallucinations, maybe. And excessive sweating. Are you sweating excessively?

Felicity: You're hallucinating? What are you seeing?

Oliver: A girl named Shado that was with me on the island.

Felicity: Shado. Sara. How many women were you marooned with? Sure this wasn't Fantasy Island?

Barry: Don't worry. I'll figure out what's wrong with Oliver.

Felicity: You'd be the first.

Brother Blood: Brother Cyrus told me he killed you.

Arrow: Guess he's not as strong as you'd hoped. Where did you get the Mirakuru? Who gave you the formula?

Brother Blood: It was a gift. A gift I would use to save this city from itself.

Slade: So your campaign begins.

Blood: The city needs a leader. And putting the copycat hoods up to assassinating the mayor was just the first step. The vigilante... he destroyed the centrifuge and the serum along with it.

Slade: I want you to arrange to receive another sample of my blood, and than you can mass produce the serum again. When I ask you not to confront the vigilante, you will listen. Remember, your mask can be worn by another.

Blood: You know who he is under that hood, don't you?

Slade: I know exactly who is. He's my friend.

Blood: That's why you don't want him dead.

Slade: Death would be a release from this life, and his sentence has yet to be carried out. I'm going to tear everything he cares about away from him. Destroy those who choose to follow him. Corrupt those he loves. Once he has lost everyone and everything he values, I will drive an arrow through his eye.

Shrapnel: Freedom. Liberty. Justice. To long have the people of this city suffered under the shackles of a corrupt government. Slaves to self-interested politicians and their lobbyist puppeteers. I declare war on them all. [Remotely blows up a building]

Oliver: How's Barry?

Felicity: He's still sleeping... I prefer sleeping to coma, because coma sounds, you know, not fun.

Quentin: You know, most cops they meet their informers in the back seat of a cruiser or maybe a coffee shop or something. What's with the mask?

Oliver: Gift from a friend.

Quentin: You've got friends?

Shrapnel: Drop the bow! I have charges planted all over Starling. I drop this stick, they all blow. Did you just hear what I said?

Arrow: Yep [shoots the wire connecting the button to the detonator]

Oliver: I'm sorry.

Felicity: Were you apologizing to me or were you talking to your quiver?

Oliver: I didn't snap at my quiver.

Felicity: Kind of more than snapped.

Oliver: I know and I'm sorry.

Felicity: I understand that this Mirakuru thing has you freaked out and I have been at Central City a lot.

Oliver: Felicity, it's not that. When you are there, it just makes me realize how much i need you here. At the beginning I was going to do all of this by myself, and now with you and Diggle... I rely on you.

Felicity: Does that mean I have a shot at employee of the month?

Oliver: No, because you're not my employee, you're my partner.

Arrow: Hello Laurel.

Laurel: You're late.

Arrow: I had to circle around to make sure there wasn't a SWAT team waiting for me again.

Oliver: Hello, Roy.

Roy: Lurking in an alley. That's not at all creepy.

Diggle: Doesn't exactly mean that Sebastien Blood is the man in the skull mask.

Felicity: His last name is Blood. That can't be a good sign.

Diggle: Felicity, he's dedicated his life, risked his life to help the people of the Glades and in his spare time he's a murderer, trying to create an army of human weapons?

Felicity: You're a personal bodyguard who fights crime at night with his billionaire boss. Not a lot of people show their real face in public.

Felicity: I have good news and bad news. I suggest the good news first to soften the blow of the bad news. [Oliver stays silent] Okay, dealer's choice.

Felicity: At least the security cameras are from this century.

Arrow: Again!

Roy: You know, I slapped water out of a bowl yesterday. And I slapped water out of a bowl the day before.

Arrow: You must be getting pretty good at it.

Roy: Yeah, well I can't wait to get attacked by a dog dish.

Oliver: We'll find out when we find him.

Sara: And when we do, you can't tell him.

Oliver: Tell him what?

Sara: Don't talk to me like I'm other people. You've got that look on your face. The same one you had after the first time we kissed. Pure guilt.

Oliver: Because I am guilty, Sara! Ivo killed Shado because of me.

Sara: That's not true! And even if it was, nothing good comes from telling Slade that you think you're responsible for the death of the women he loved. Love's the most powerful emotion, and that makes it the most dangerous.

Diggle: How's it going with Roy?

Oliver: Not well.

Diggle: I don't know the kid all to well, but he seems to be five kinds of angry.

Oliver: You might be underestimating. Roy was mad at the world before he was injected with Mirakuru.

Oliver: You hacked into a prison system network?

Felicity: Is that judgment I'm hearing?

Oliver: Pride.

Felicity: Iron Heights just put out a bulletin for Ben Turner, A.K.A Bronze Tiger, which B.T.W. is a terrible nickname, because tigers are not bronze.

Oliver: Turner escaped?

Felicity: He killed ten guards on the way out.

Diggle: You'd think that would make the news.

Felicity: Iron Heights does better at keeping secrets than it does at keeping prisoners.

Arrow: Now you. Go slowly! [Roy starts punching the pole quickly] Stop! This is not about learning to throw a punch! This is about learning to control your strength.

Roy: First water slapping. Now this. When are you gonna run out of ways to make me looks STUPID?! [punches and breaks the pole] All I'm learning is new ways to get pissed off, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm already pretty good at that.

Arrow: There is nothing wrong with anger Roy. Anger is energy, but you need to learn to channel it in a positive way.

Sara: Okay, Laurel, I wasn't trying to be a bitch.

Laurel: The title of your autobiography.

Quentin: You never did tell me how you joined up with the Arrow. Where did you two even meet?

Sara: Vigilante club

Oliver: Because if half of the stories I've heard about Ra's al Ghul are true and Sara kills his daughter, we all will pay.

Nyssa al Ghul: [to a dying Sara] If you want to be with your family so badly, they can join you in eternity.

Oliver: For the past year, I have stood by your side... and I have fought for you, because I didn't want to believe that you were this... monster. And I needed to believe that still had a mother.

Moira: You do, Oliver. Oliver, I only lied about Thea to protect her from Malcolm.

Oliver: No, you lied because that is what you do. And that is who you are, Mom. Lies. And now you have made a liar out of me. Because Thea can never find out about Merlyn. And she can never learn the truth about us. Which is that as of right now, we have no relationship. I will keep up appearance for Thea's sake. And publicly I will support your campaign. But privately... you and I are done.

William Tockman: The strongest of all warriors are these two - time and patience. It's from War and Peace. 14,040 pages. It takes a while, but it's worth the read. Tolstoy knew that patience was the epitome of strength. It takes fortitude to stand still, just as it is a sign of weakness or cowardliness to move when you should have NOT.

Oliver: Sara, when you come back from the dead, you get a party. It's a Queen family tradition.

Laurel: Are you done?

Oliver: Yeah, I'm done. I'm done taking the blame and I'm done caring. Why don't you go have a drink. Get wasted. Go to Verdant. I'll pay for it. I have loved you for half of my life but I'm done running after you

[Sara is suturing a bullet wound in Felicity's shoulder. Felicity is loopy from pain meds.]

Oliver: Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital?

Felicity: Uh uh. You guys never go to the hospital. Besides, Dig gave me some of those aspirins. Are you spinning?

Oliver: [whispers to Diggle] Aspirin?

Diggle: [whispers back] Oxycodone.

[Oliver smiles at that.]

Sara: I wouldn't be here if you hadn't been so brave. Thank you.

Felicity: It was nothing. I've always wanted to say I've taken a bullet for someone, and now I can. So, really, I should be thanking you.

Sara: [finishes the sutures] All done. Not bad, but you're still gonna have a scar.

Felicity: My own scar. Yay.

Oliver:[approaches Felicity] You all right? [Felicity nods] Diggle had mentioned that maybe you were feeling a little left out.

Felicity: What? No! I'm just used to being your girl. I mean not your "girl" girl... your girl. I know it sounds like the same word, but it... it means something different in my head.

Oliver: [gently cups Felicity's cheek] Hey... you will always be my girl, Felicity.

Laurel: Because I realized that, that I went on that boat with you, too. And I've been slowly drowning for all of these years and after every heartbreak or setback or loss, I sank deeper into the dark water. And so when I saw you, so beautiful and so alive, I realized that I'm not those things. Not anymore. So please, please don't hate me Sara. Please.

Dr. Anthony Ivo: It's harder than it looks, isn't it? Killing an unarmed man.

Oliver: It seemed pretty easy when you murdered Shado.

Ivo: I didn't murder her, Oliver.

Oliver: Ivo, you shot her in the head.

Ivo: I gave you a choice! You chose Sara. You blame me, but that's because you can't face your own guilt. I loaded the bullets, yes, I pulled the trigger, but you... you aimed the gun. And you hold yourself responsible. Don't you?

Oliver: Yes. But that doesn't mean I won't kill you.

Oliver: Cyrus Gold, the man in the skull mask, all this was you. They worked for you.

Slade: Well, I have my allies, just as you have yours. John Diggle, for example. I suppose you're wondering why he hasn't taken his head shot. Don't worry. He's still alive - for now.

Slade: I believe that when we lose someone we love, we have the obligation to honor their memory.

Oliver: Why don't you just kill me now?

Slade: To kill you now would be a mercy. You cannot die until you have suffered the same way I have suffered, until you have known complete despair, and you will, I promise.

Anatoly: Why are you doing this?

Sara: I'm with Oliver now!

Anatoly: Why should I believe you?

Sara: Because you don't want to die! Go!

Diggle: Coffee?

Felicity: Hot cocoa.

Diggle: What, no marshmallows?

Felicity: I'm out.

Amanda: I don't need you to get the nerve agent out. I need you to get your team in.

Diggle: My team?

Amanda: They're designated Task Force X.

Deadshot: Give me a break, this ain't no task force. Let's call it like it is. Welcome to the Suicide Squad.

Felicity: Robbery in progress.

[Oliver looks blankly]

Felicity: Still in the crime fighting business, right?

Lyla Michaels: This past few months have been amazing. We've done more playing than talking.

Diggle: That's because, when we talk, we tend to get divorced.

Amanda: Who do you want to kill more than me?

Oliver: Slade Wilson is alive.

Amanda: You killed him. It's not possible.

Oliver: Everything is possible where Slade is concerned. And I need your help to find him.

Amanda: I might have something.

Oliver: What?

Amanda: There's a new player we've been tracking, a mercenary. He's left a trail of bodies from Macau to Istanbul to Lisbon. A trail that leads right here to Starling. We've been calling him Deathstroke.

Sara: [to Diggle and Felicity] What do you guys think?

Felicity: I think if the Huntress shows up, you should totally kick her ass.

Laurel: Helena, you don't have to do this.

Helena: Yes, I do. Because once you let the darkness inside, it never comes out.

Huntress: [on seeing Sara] Oliver sure does like to dress up his girls.

Felicity: Oliver, where are you? Are you okay?

Oliver: I'm with Lance as Oliver, and he just called the Arrow.

Felicity: Oh. Oh! It's getting really hard to keep track of who knows whose secret identity.

Helena: You know, I thought I'd feel different now that he's dead, but I don't. And you always told me that killing him wouldn't change anything. You were right.

Oliver: But I was wrong, too.

Helena: About what?

Oliver: I thought I could help you. To stop you from being a killer, but... I was just starting. And I was a killer, too.

Helena: And what are you now?

Oliver: I'm trying to be better.

Oliver: They're calling you Deathstroke.

Slade: That's a bit flamboyant. I like it.

Oliver: With Slade out there, I don't have time for the company.

Felicity: Well, you have to make time, Oliver. At least three hours. The annual board meeting. There's absolutely zero way that the CEO can avoid being there. And I know it's been a while, so in you case you've forgotten, that's you. Do you remember where you put your business suit? Or do you keep it in a cool glass case, too?

Roy: I can't just stop thinking what's the worst that can happen if I just told her the truth.

Felicity: Well, I told a guy the truth and he got struck by lightning. To be fair, probably won't happen again, statistically.

Moira: [to Oliver]From the moment your children are born you worry what the world might do to them, but you never stop to think what you might do to them, that we can be our worst enemy.

Slade: Don't worry. I am not here to harm you.

Laurel: Go to hell.

Slade: All in good time, I'm sure. But before then, I've come to Starling City to see Oliver Queen suffer.

Laurel: Oliver? What? Why?

Slade: Because he's not the man you think he is.

Laurel: How would you know that?

Slade: Because I know Oliver Queen is The Arrow.

Felicity: I'm a bomber. I can't believe I'm a bomber. I wonder if I can list that on my resume of special skills.

Laurel: I know who the Arrow is.

Quentin: Don't say another word. Don't say anything. Listen to me, there was a time when I would have sold out my badge to find out his name, you know that. But then I realized I didn't care who he was. In fact, I didn't want to know who he was.

Laurel: Why not?

Quentin: Because I knew if I knew who he really was he would become a person, okay? Maybe he has a family, friends, people to care about him, someone with a life. Then he couldn't be what I needed him to be, what this city needs him to be. See, Arrow - the man under the hood isn't important. Can you imagine what it's like to be him? What he has to live with? Day in, day out? What that's gotta be like?

Arrow: [talking about Roy] Slade, he's just a kid!

Slade: Who's here only because you pushed him away. You're the one person he looked up to, and for that you crushed his soul.

[Laurel hugs Oliver]

Oliver: What's this for?

Laurel: Because you're important to me.

Oliver: Alright, we need to deal with Slade figure out what his next move is. I know Slade, he is not gonna stop 'till...

Slade: [shows up] Welcome home. [beats Sara, Diggle and Oliver] Don't forget who taught you how to fight, kid.

Felicity: Is the fact that he's lying there freaks me out a little make me a bad person?

Diggle: Felicity, I don't think there's a force on earth that can make you a bad person.

Moira: There's only one way this night can end and we both know that, don't we, Mr. Wilson?

Oliver: Mom!

Moira: Please tell me both my children will live.

Thea: Mom! What are you doing?! Mom!

Moira: Thea, I love you. Close your eyes, baby!

Oliver: NO!

Slade: You possess true courage. I am truly sorry you did not pass that on to your son.

Sara: That's not true. I wanted to kill Roy because that's what I do. That's who I am. I spent six years in the darkness and I looked into the eyes of the devil and I gave him my soul.

Oliver: I can help you get it back.

Sara: No. You deserve someone better. You can harness that light that's still inside of you, but I'm not that person and I never will be.

Laurel: You're really cute when you're mopey.

Oliver: I'm not mopey.

Laurel: Mopey's your default Ollie. It's part of your smoldering charm.

Oliver: I do have smoldering charm.

Oliver: [talking about Thea] Thanks for taking care of her.

Diggle: Lucky for me, she's not as good at disappearing as you are.

Felicity: I don't even know why I'm crying. I didn't even like Moira. Terrible thing to say about someone after they've just died. In my defense, she was not nice. She was diabolical. Not a word you often hear at someone's funeral.

Diggle: You're not crying for her, Felicity, you're crying for Oliver.

Felicity: Where is he? How could he not be here?

Diggle: I don't know...

Isabel Rochev: If Oliver's smart... He ran back to his island to hide. But maybe he'll attend your funerals.

[Anatoly works on fixing the submarine]

Anatoly Knyazev: Like riding bicycle. Underwater.

Oliver: Submarines have torpedoes, right? Can't we blast our way out?

Anatoly: I can see why you two are made for each other. You like your explosions.

Oliver: It ends tonight.

Felicity: How?

Oliver: I turn myself over to Slade. I end this vendetta.

Diggle: Oliver, you think this ends with you turning yourself over to Slade?

Oliver: Yes, I do. After she was gone... he told me that one more person had to die. And then it would end. This ends for Slade when he kills me.

Felicity: I don't accept that. You shouldn't either. You can't just accept things, Oliver. If I had accepted my life, I would be a cocktail waitress in Vegas like my mother, and I never would have gone to college, and I never would have moved a thousand miles away to work at Queen Consolidated, and I never would have believed some crazy guy in a hood when he told me I could be more than just some IT girl.

Diggle: Clinton Hogue. I have some questions for you.

Clinton Hogue: Go to hell.

Diggle: You sure that's how you want to play it?

Clinton: You think I've never taken a beating before?

Diggle: Pal, you're going to wish I beat you.

Felicity: Hi. I'll be your interrogator.

Clinton: Is this a joke?

Felicity: Clinton Hogue. Social security number 306003894.

Clinton: What the hell's this supposed to be?

Felicity: Oh, look at this. You have a bank account in the Cayman Islands. Wow. $2 million, quite the little nest egg. But... looks like you just approved a wire transfer of $1 million to a charity here in Starling City. Very generous. What should I do with the rest?

Diggle: Greenpeace.

Felicity: Great cause! And they really appreciate support.

Clinton: You bitch!

Felicity: Bitch with wi-fi.

Oliver: You're a good man, Anatoly. If this is goodbye, be safe.

Anatoly: I will see you soon. You and Sara.

Oliver: I meant what I said. If we're not back in an hour, you sink the freighter and get yourself home.

Anatoly: I think maybe I prefer Bahamas.

Quentin: Lieutenant. Listen to me, these guys, have you seem them? Huh? Have you seen these guys? They do not go down. We gotta call in the National Guard.

Lt. Frank Pike: That's a call for the mayor. And he hasn't made that yet.

Quentin: And he won't. Mayor Blood let this happen.

Frank: What?

Quentin: Trust me. Blood's behind this.

Frank: Look, even if I believe you, I don't have that kind of authority.

Quentin: Well, in an emergency, the chief of police does, so get him on the line.

Frank: Chief's dead.

Quentin: Well, then... There's only one more guy to we can call. You're not gonna like it.

Frank: The vigilante.

Quentin: The Arrow. Lieutenant, I know he's breaking the law. But what we're up against, it's not about the law. It's about survival. We got masks tearing our city to pieces, and we're gonna need a mask to stop 'em.

Frank: Make the call.

Sara: You don't know, Laurel, about me. About who I am, and who I've become.

Laurel: I know you're a hero.

Sara: I'm not a hero... Laurel. I'm the furthest thing from it. I am "Ta-er al-Sahfer." That was my new name. Because of the woman that I was, the girl that I was, is gone.

Laurel: I'm not going to pretend that I've been through anything that you have. But one thing that I've learned in the past year is that these things... they don't break us. They make us who we are.

Sara: And what I am... is irredeemable.

Laurel: What was that word you said before?

Sara: Ta-er al-Sahfer.

Laurel: What does that mean?

Sara: It means "The Canary".

Laurel: If you're so far gone and so irredeemable... then why would they know you by such a beautiful name?

Oliver: I didn't know, Felicity. Five years ago, I was a completely different person. And I had... no idea that something like this was even... possible. I couldn't have imagined. When you and Diggle brought me back to Starling City, I made a vow to myself that I would never let anything like the Undertaking happen again.

Felicity: What's happening now is not your fault.

Oliver: Yes, it is. I have failed this city. Yao Fei. Shado. Tommy. My father, my mother. All that I ever wanted to do is honor those people.

Felicity: You honor the dead by fighting and you're not done fighting! Malcolm Merlyn, The Count, The Clock King, the Triad... Everyone who was trying to hurt this city, you stopped them. And you will stop Slade.

Oliver: I don't know how.

Felicity: Neither do I. But I do know two things: You are not alone. And I believe in you.

Blood: As a young boy, I was plagued by nightmares. Every night, I would wake up in a cold sweat, frightened and alone. It was my father's face that haunted me. [Shows his mask] And this is how I saw him. The embodiment of desperation and despair. I made this mask to conquer my fears. And to remind myself why I fight, every day, to give this city's most desperate a chance. All I ever wanted to do was help people, Oliver.

Oliver: Help me believe. Where's the cure?

Blood: Slade Wilson will not rest until he honors the promise that he made you.

Oliver: I won't be so easy to kill once we level the playing field.

Blood: He's not interested in killing you. Not until he's taken away everything and everyone you love.

Oliver: After he murdered my mother, he said one more person had to die.

Blood: Whoever you love the most.

Nyssa: I'm Nyssa, daughter of Ra's al Ghul. Heir to the demon.

Felicity: Felicity Smoak. M.I.T. Class of '09.

Deathstroke: You must have quite a bit of faith in this cure if you've come alone.

Arrow: We didn't come alone.

[the League of Assassins arrive]

Thea: If you're going to kill me, just... get over with it.

Merlyn: Kill you? Why? Because you shot me? I'm glad you did.

Thea: You're sick.

Merlyn: Perhaps. How else to explain the fact not a year ago, your brother held to a gun to my face as well.

Thea: Tommy.

Merlyn: He lacked conviction. The strength to pull the trigger, but not you, Thea. You are made of iron. You are truly my daughter, and I could not be more proud.

Slade : Where am I?

Oliver : As far away from the world as I could get you. Where you can't hurt anyone ever again.

Slade : That's your weakness, kid. You don't have the guts to kill me.

Oliver : No. I have the strength to let you live.

Slade : Oh, you're a killer. I know, I created you. You've killed plenty.

Oliver : Yes, I have. You helped turned me into a killer when I needed to be one. And I'm alive today because of you. I made it home because of you. And I got to see my family again. But over the past year, I needed to be more... but I faltered. But then I stopped you. Without killing. You helped me become a hero, Slade. Thank you.

Slade : You think I won't get out of here? You think I won't kill who you care for?

Oliver : No, I don't. Because you're in purgatory.

Slade : I keep my promises, kid. I keep my promises! I keep my promises.

Felicity: Last time I didn't notice; it's actually kind of beautiful here. Don't get me wrong, I'm counting the seconds until we shove off minefield island.

Diggle: So you think that'll be enough to hold him, A.R.G.U.S.'s super max?

Oliver: Him and anyone else we send here. This battle may be over, but there will be others. Starting with getting my family's company back.

Felicity: That's not going to be easy since you're poor now. You're going to have to get a job. If Slade doesn't scare you, that's got to.

Oliver: Do you know anyone hiring ex-billionaires with superior archery skills?

James Heller: Spare me your sixth-grade Michael Moore logic!

Jack: What is happening at eight o'clock?! I am not messing with you.

[He flips the table.]

Jack: You are going to tell me what is happening at eight o'clock!

[He shoots Sherek's leg.]

Jack: What is your primary objective?! What is your primary objective?!

Sherek: Secretary of Defense!

Jack: Secretary Heller? Secretary Heller's the target! Call Secret Service now!

Audrey: Look. We were fighting for our lives a few minutes ago, and if it hadn't been for Tony, we would've been dead. Now I've been through a lot today, and I'm sure, when this is all over, your boss will understand.

Jen Slater: And if he doesn't?

Audrey: [deadpan] I can have him killed.

[They both grin.]

Jen Slater: Knock yourself out.

Henry Powell: Who are you guys? Police? FBI?

Tony: Actually, I'm currently unemployed.

Tony: Some people are more comfortable in hell.

Dexter: [voiceover] Tonight's the night. And it's going to happen again and again. It has to happen.

Mike Donovan: I couldn't help myself. I couldn't. Please, you have to understand.

Dexter: Trust me, I definitely understand. See, I can't help myself either. But children? I could never do that. Not like you. Never … ever … kids.

Mike Donovan: Why?

Dexter: I have standards.

Dexter: [voiceover] Harry was a great cop here in Miami. He taught me how to think like one; he taught me how to cover my tracks. I'm a very neat monster.

Dexter: [voiceover] There's something strange and disarming about looking at a homicide scene in the daylight of Miami. It makes the most grotesque killings look staged, like you're in a new and daring section of Disney World: Dahmerland!

Doakes: I'm watching you, motherfucker.

Dexter: [voiceover, about the doll parts in his freezer] I suppose I should be upset, even feel violated, but I'm not. No, in fact, I think this is a friendly message, like "Hey, wanna play?" And yes, I want to play. I really, really do.

Dexter: [voiceover] I can kill a man, dismember his body, and be home in time for Letterman. But knowing what to say when my girlfriend's feeling insecure … I'm totally lost.

Dexter: We have an elephant in the room, and its name is sex.

Rita: [laughs weakly] Tell me about it.

Dexter: Hey, as far as I'm concerned, it can just stay in the corner and mind its own damn business.

Rita: [softly] Easier said than done.

Dexter: Yeah, [gently brushes her hair back] but it needs to be right, for both of us. Or it won't be right for either of us. I don't want that, do you?

Rita: No. [pause] You know, [hugs Dexter tightly] I can't believe I found the one good truly decent man left on the planet.

Debra: Watching ice melt. This is fun.

Vince: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart.

Angel: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex!

Dexter: Huh?

Vince: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way.

Debra: Yeah, from vine to vine

Maria: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off.

Dexter: [voiceover] My sister puts up a front so people won't know how vulnerable she really is. Me? I put up a front so people won't know how vulnerable I'm not.

Dexter: [voiceover] The worst thing about finally putting together a puzzle is finding there are missing pieces. He came back and left nothing behind but a message: "Come find me", and I will. There are no secrets in life, just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface.

Dexter: [voiceover] Most people have a hard time dealing with death, but I'm not most people. It's the grief that makes me uncomfortable. Not because I'm a killer. Really, I just don't understand all that emotion, which makes it tough to fake. In those cases, shades come in handy.

Debra: I'm real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. How are you holding up?

Dexter: I'm managing. [voiceover] No, I'm not. Keeping my face pinched in sorrow for two hours is a real chore.

[At the ice hockey rink]

Dexter: [voiceover] I knew he'd be back. It feels like Christmas morning. [approaches the body in net] Look at that, a miracle on ice. Stunning.

Angel Batista: You all right, Dexter?

Dexter: This is like a dream. [confused look from Angel] Standing on the home ice of the Miami Blades?

Harry Morgan: When you take a man's life, you're not just killing him. You're snuffing out all the things that he might become. As a cop, I only fire my weapon to save a life – that's a code I live by. Killing must serve a purpose. Otherwise, it's just plain murder.

Dexter: [voiceover] Harry taught me that death isn't the end. It's the beginning of a chain reaction that will catch you if you're not careful. He taught me that none of us are who we appear to be on the outside. But we must maintain appearances to survive. But there was something Harry didn't teach me. Something he didn't know, couldn't possibly know. The willful taking of life represents the ultimate disconnect from humanity. It leaves you an outsider, forever looking in, searching for company to keep.

Dexter: [voiceover] Human bonds always lead to messy complications. Commitment. Sharing. Driving people to the airport.

Dexter: [voiceover] I love Halloween. The one time of year when everyone wears a mask … not just me. People think it's fun to pretend you're a monster. Me, I spend my life pretending I'm not. Brother, friend, boyfriend – all part of my costume collection. Some people might call me a fraud. Let's see if it will fit. I prefer to think of myself as a master of disguise.

Dexter: [voiceover] Harry was the only one who saw me, really saw me. So he taught me to hide and that's what's kept me safe. But sometimes I'm not sure where Harry's vision of me ends and where the real me starts. If I'm just a collection of learned behaviors, bits and pieces of Harry, maybe my new friend is right. Maybe I am a fraud.

Dexter: [voiceover] Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply you have to be reminded it's even there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are altogether... I'm not the monster he wants me to be. So I'm neither man nor beast. I'm something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I'm Dexter. Boo.

[Dexter is staring off into space at a crime scene]

Dexter: [voiceover] I like to pretend I'm alone. Completely alone. Maybe post-apocalypse or plague … whatever. No one left to act normal for. No need to hide who I really am. It would be … freeing.

Doakes: Stop grinning like a fucking psycho and get back to work!

Officer Gerard: Freedom's just another word for one more way to get fucked.

Mindy: So, are you going to go to the spring formal?

Teenage Dexter: Why would I want to do that?

[Hurt, Mindy leaves]

Harry Morgan: She wanted you to ask her to the dance, Dexter.

Teenage Dexter: That's not what she said.

Harry Morgan: Well, you have to learn their signals.

Teenage Dexter: Yeah, well, I don't really care about girls.

Harry Morgan: Oh.

Teenage Dexter: I just like being alone.

Harry Morgan: But most normal people don't, and it's important that you seem normal.

Teenage Dexter: Even though I'm not.

Harry Morgan: Because you're not.

Angel: Don't go down that emotion road, just go down on her. She'll be distracted.

Dexter: [voiceover, packing supplies for a kill] "Be prepared" – that's my motto. The Boy Scouts and I have that in common. Of course, there's no merit badge for tonight's outing.

Harry Morgan: Keeping the truth from the people closest to you is how you'll survive, and how you'll protect them if anything goes wrong.

Dexter: [voiceover] Nothing lasts forever. Just ask a Ford Pinto. Eventually, most serial killers get caught. There's really not much of a retirement plan; but, it can't end like this; it's too soon; I'm not ready.

Debra: The guy's missing body parts because of this Ice-Truck Killer asshole, and he's still hitting on me!

Doakes' Mother: That's because men only think with one body part, and that one was not cut off.

Angel: Sounds like she got what she had coming to her. Personally, I'd like to shake the guy's hand.

Dexter:[voiceover] Sure, you say that now...

Dexter: [voiceover] Rita will be devastated if I'm arrested. Her husband was a crack-head and her boyfriend's a serial killer. It's kinda hard not to take that personally.

Dexter: The FBI estimates that there are less that 50 serial killers active in the United States today. We don't get together at conventions, share trade secrets, or exchange Christmas cards … but sometimes I wonder what it's like for the others.

Dexter: When'd you first notice it? This darkness inside the guy you fell for?

Rita: Well, I always knew it was there. I guess I just didn't think I deserved better – until I met you.

[Long pause]

Dexter: I have a dark side, too. [Rita laughs] What? I do.

Rita: Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter. You're not like Paul; you don't hurt people.

Dexter: [another pause] Innocent people. I don't hurt innocent people.

Dexter: The Ice-Truck Killer drains the blood from his victims, freezes the bodies, and only then severs their limbs. It's clean and efficient, that's his psychological signature. Neil Perry, on the other hand, stuffs roadkill.

Debra: Yeah! And turns 'em into fucked up fantasy shit.

Dexter: But the fantasies are all wrong! The guy we're looking for wouldn't turn dead dirty things into living cartoons, he'd find that pathetic.

Debra: How do you know?

Dexter: [pause] Because it is pathetic.

Dexter: [voiceover, about Paul] He might be a crack-addled, wife-abusing yahoo, but he refuses to abandon his kids. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Dexter: You killed again. I told you, I warned you. Don't kill anyone who doesn't deserve to die. Why did you do it?

Jeremy Downs: To feel something different.

Dexter: Different than what? What do you normally feel?

Jeremy Downs: Nothing. Fucking nothing at all. I hate every fucking goddamn second of it. I can't stand it – living my life in my head.

Dexter: Does killing make it better?

Jeremy Downs: No. Worse. Fucking worse than ever.

Dexter: I'm a lot like you, you know.

Jeremy Downs: [scoffs] Yeah, right. You're a killer?

Dexter: [gives him a look] I'm empty. But I found a way to make it feel less … bottomless.

Jeremy Downs: How?

Dexter: Pretend. You pretend the feelings are there, for the world, for the people around you. Who knows? Maybe one day they will be.

Dexter: [at a crime scene] What are we looking at here?

Angel: I'm thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?

Dexter: Nah, looks like a lobster. See the claws?

Angel: Why do bloodstains always look like crustaceans to you?

Dexter: I like seafood.

Angel: Rorschach would say you have a hard time relating to others.

Scott Solomon: Meridian? Best thing that's ever happened to me … so far. How about you? You finding him helpful?

Dexter: I'm a sociopath; there's not much he can do for me.

Scott Solomon: Cute and funny. Let me guess, taken?

Dexter: Girlfriend.

Scott Solomon: Lucky girl.

Dexter: [voiceover] My therapist wants me to accept the things that are out of my hands. Tragically for him, he's not out of my hands.

Dexter: [voiceover] I can't have sex with Rita. Every time I sleep with a woman, she sees me for what I really am. Empty. Then she's gone. But I don't want Rita to go, which means I have to deal with this. [pause] I can't kill Meridian yet – I need another therapy session.

Dexter: I'm going to tell you something that I've never told anyone before.

Dr. Emmett Meridian: Okay.

Dexter: I'm a serial killer. [pause] Oh God. That feels … so amazing to say out loud.

Dr. Emmett Meridian: Well, you must be letting go, 'cause I've never heard you make a joke before.

Dexter: I'm not joking; I kill people. Whoo. There it is again. [pause] You should try it. I know — your big bad wolf has racked up a tidy little death toll.

Dexter: [voiceover] I know the truth, because Harry always told me the truth. He had to, he was teaching me principles. A Code. He knew what I would become without it.

Rita: Hello.

Paul: Hey babe, it's Paul. Just making sure dear Dexter is dealing decently with his dead dad.

Rita: We're fine, everyone's fine. Alright, we'll see you on Monday.

Paul: Talk to me, you having fun? Cause I'm not.

Rita: Paul.

Paul: Would've if I'd have taken my kids to the circus. We'd be eating peanuts right now, stepping in elephant shit.

Rita: Paul, this is not helping my confidence in you.

Paul: Oh, I think you've got enough confidence for both of us.

Rita: Look if you want to work towards building more visitation days and not less, you need to avoid this kind of behavior right here. Now I think you might just politely hang up.

Paul: OK, you're right, I'm sorry. You have a great weekend. [hangs up phone]

[Dexter calls Vince]

Vince Masuka|Vince]]: Masuka.

Dexter: Hey, it's Dexter Morgan.

Vince: Dude, I know your last name.

Dexter: Yeah, I need a favor. A DNA comparison.

Vince: I thought you were away for the weekend with the girlfriend. What, she surfin' the crimson wave?

Debra: [answering her phone] Morgan here.

Vince: Wait, did I call the hot Morgan by mistake? Freudian. My subconscious has been exposed.

Debra: Well, zip it up and tell me what's going on.

Debra: [eating cake] Hey, you want some? It's Kirk Wylocks' cake.

Doakes: I had some, at Kirk's birthday. 10 days ago. See, if you have lunch every day with your boyfriend, you miss a thing or two around here.

Debra: Cake's still good; it's mocha, I think.

Doakes: It started out vanilla.

[Examining a jar of blood received in the mail]

Assistant: Maybe you should open it.

Dexter: What if there's an airborne toxin in here waiting to be released?

Assistant: I've got to wash my hands. [rushes past]

Dexter: So gullible. ... It's definitely blood.

Dexter: [voiceover] My sister's right, I don't share my problems with her. Or with anybody. Harry taught me that. Secrecy, self-reliance … and a well-stocked cupboard of Hefty bags.

[After stuffing Paul into the trunk of his car]

Rita: Where were you?

Dexter: Taking out the trash.

Dexter: [voiceover] So this is doom. I've been the architect of so much of it, it's only fair that I should know what the fuss is all about. He left me this room for a reason. Five women gave their blood, their lives for this moment. There's only one way to find out why.

Dexter: [voiceover] I've never had much use for the concept of Hell, but if Hell exists, I'm in it. The same images running through my head over and over. I was there. I saw my mother's death. A buried memory forgotten all these years. It climbed inside me that day, and it's been with me every since. My Dark Passenger.

Rudy/Brian: [while gift-wrapping dismembered parts] Deck the halls with parts of bodies, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Dexter: [voiceover] Thinking Rudy attacked Batista doesn't make any sense. He's a loving boyfriend, he spends his life helping people in need. He brought me steaks. [lock-picking attempt thwarted] Now, that's just rude. Why would loving and helpful Rudy need an industrial-grade lock? And a security camera?

Rudy/Brian: Debra Morgan, will you marry me?

Debra: I knew it, I fucking knew it!

Rudy/Brian: Is that your version of a yes?

Rudy/Brian: You know the one thing I've been dying to ask you? How did you not know who I was? You're a cop.

Debra: This isn't funny.

Rudy/Brian: I think a real cop would at least have a sense she was in the presence of the person she was hunting.

Dexter: I've lived in darkness a long time. Over the years my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see.

Doakes: Surprise, motherfucker!

Dexter: Are you following me now?

Doakes: You better have a hell of a reason for being here.

Dexter: I'm looking for my sister.

Doakes: In a cargo box?

Dexter: Yeah. I'm kinda working on a theory.

Doakes:You forget your work for the fucking cops? We love theories. Come on. Spin a story, asshole.

Debra: [sobbing] This isn't you.

Rudy/Brian: Pretty sure it is.

Debra: No, no there's more. I've seen it.

Rudy/Brian: I never wanted to hurt you.

Debra: I know. I know.

Rudy/Brian: [pause] Does this make it easier for you? Because I can keep going.

Rudy/Brian: I just wanted to have a beer with you before we got started. Made that kind of difficult.

Dexter: Sorry.

Rudy/Brian: You don't ever have to apologize to me, Dexter. Not for who you are, or anything you do.

Rudy/Brian: Your victims. Are they all killers?

Dexter: Yes.

Rudy/Brian: Harry teach you that?

Dexter: He taught me a code. To survive.

Rudy/Brian: Like an … absurd avenger?

Dexter: That's not why I kill.

Rudy/Brian: You can be yourself around me. Who. Am. I?

Dexter: A killer. Without reason or regret. Free.

Rudy/Brian: You can be that way too.

Dexter: But the code …

Rudy/Brian: [laughs] Dex! You don't have a code. Harry did. Now he's been dead ten years. You can't keep – keep him sitting on your shoulder like Jiminy Fucking Cricket! You need to embrace who you are now.

Dexter: I don't know who I am.

Rudy/Brian: 'Course you don't. You've been away from your family since you were three. But I'm here now. I can help you. We can take this journey together.

Dexter: I can't. Not Deb …

Rudy/Brian: No – no, don't say that.

Dexter: I'm very … fond of her.

Rudy/Brian: You can't be a killer and a hero. It doesn't work that way!

Dexter: [voiceover] Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for everything inside me that's denied and unknown to be revealed. But I'll never know. I live my life in hiding. My survival depends on it.

Yes, I'm sick, officer. Sick from the disease eating away at me inside. Sick of people who don't appreciate their blessings. Sick of those who scoff at the suffering of others. I'm sick of it all!

Game over!

I want to play a game.

Rise and shine, Adam. You're probably wondering where you are. I'll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room you die in. Up until now you simply sat in the shadows watching others live out their lives. But what do voyeurs see when they look into the mirror? Now, I see you as a strange mix of someone angry, yet apathetic. But mostly just pathetic. So are you going to watch yourself die today, Adam, or do something about it?

Dr. Gordon, this is your wake-up call. Every day of your working life you have given people the news that they're going to die soon. Now, you will be the cause of death. Your aim in this game is to kill Adam. You have until six on the clock to do it. There's a man in the room with you. When there's that much poison in your blood, the only thing left to do - is shoot yourself. There are ways to win this hidden all around you. Just remember, X marks the spot for the treasure. If you do not kill Adam by six, then Alison and Diana will die, Dr. Gordon... and I'll leave you in this room to rot. Let the game begin. [whispers] Follow your heart.

Hello, Paul. You are a perfectly healthy, sane and middle-class male. Yet last month you ran a straight razor across your wrist. Did you cut yourself because you truly wanted to die, or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you'll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to stay where you are, but if you want to live, you'll have to cut yourself again. Find the path through the razor-wire to the door. But hurry. At three o'clock that door will lock, and then, this room becomes your tomb. How much blood will you shed to stay alive, Paul?

Hello, Mark. If you are so sick, then why do I have so many photos of you up and about? Let's put your so-called "illness" to the test. Right now, there's a slow acting poison in your veins. The antidote is inside the safe; the combination to the safe is written on the wall. Hurry up and program it in, but watch your step. By the way, that's a flammable substance smeared on your body, so I would be careful with that candle if I were you... or all the people you've burned with your act just might have their revenge.

Hello, Amanda. You don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game. Here's what happens if you lose. The device you are wearing is hooked into your upper and lower jaw. When the timer in the back goes off, your mouth will be permanently ripped open. Think of it like a reverse bear trap. Here, I'll show you. [on videotape, a mannequin's head is destroyed by the device] There is only one key to open the device. It's in the stomach of your dead cell mate. Look around, Amanda. Know that I'm not lying. You better hurry up. Live or die. Make your choice.

Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore.

Hello Mr. Hindle. Or as they called you around the hospital: Zepp. I want you to make a choice. There's a slow-acting poison coursing through your system, which only I have the antidote for. Will you murder a mother and her child to save yourself? Listen carefully, if you will. There are rules.

He doesn't want us to cut through our chains. He wants us to cut through our feet.

Zep, you perverted little psychopath! I'm going to take great pleasure in seeing you pay for this, you bastard fuck!

Fuck this shit!

[to Zep] You. You bastard! I'll fucking kill you! You fucking bastard! I'll fucking kill you! You fucking bastard! I'll fucking kill you!

[to Adam] I DID NOT CHEAT ON HER!

Help! Someone help me! Is someone there? Hey! Oh, shit, I'm probably dead.

My name is Very Fucking Confused; what's your name?

I went to bed in my shithole apartment and woke up in an actual shithole.

This is the most fun I've had without lubricant!

My last girlfriend was a feminist, vegan punk who broke up with me because she thought I was too angry.

Face it, Larry, we're both bullshitters. But my camera isn't. It doesn't know how to lie. It only shows you what's put right in front of it.

I don't give a crap if you cover yourself in peanut butter and had a fifteen hooker gang bang!

You know, we arrested a dentist last week who liked to play with kids a bit too much. He lived two blocks from here. The sewer lines run under this neighborhood, Doctor.

Sick bastard.

I'm gonna kill you, you sick asshole!

His name's John, Dr. Gordon. He's a very interesting person.

Good night, little girl.

Cold-hearted bastard.

Dr. Gordon's time is up and I've gotta do what I've gotta do and I'm afraid that you're the one who's gonna tell him he failed.

I'm gonna kill your husband now, Mrs. Gordon!

You're too late.

It's the rules!

Detective Allison Kerry: Looks like our friend Jigsaw likes to book himself front row seats to his own sick little games.

[first lines]

Adam Stanheight: Help! Someone, help me! Is someone there? Hey! Oh, shoot, I'm probably dead.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: You're not dead.

Adam Stanheight: Who's that? Who's that?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: There's no point yelling. I already tried.

Adam Stanheight: Turn on the lights!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Would if I could.

Adam Stanheight: What the heck's going on? Where am I?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I don't know yet.

Adam Stanheight: What is that smell?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Oh, wait... Hang on. Think I found something.

[the lights turn on]

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Are you hurt?

Adam Stanheight: I don't know. Yeah!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What's your name?

Adam Stanheight: My name is Adam Stanheight; what's your name?

[Adam is trying to see if someone has taken his kidneys]

Adam Stanheight: You see any scars?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: What?

Adam Stanheight: This is what they do, man. They kidnap you, then drug you and before you know it, you're in a bathtub and your kidneys are on eBay.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: No one has taken your kidneys.

Adam Stanheight: How can you tell from way over there?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Because you'd either be in terrible agony or you'd be dead by now. Trust me.

Adam Stanheight: What are you, a surgeon?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Yes.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Did you find anything?

Adam Stanheight: [searching in toilet] No solids.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: How did you know to turn off the lights?

Adam Stanheight: Who cares? It worked.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Yeah, but how did you know?

Adam Stanheight: Instinct.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Instinct?

Adam Stanheight: Yeah.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: You know what? You're a terrible liar.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Who are you?

Adam Stanheight: You know who I am.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Stop the lies! You're a liar! I need to know the truth!

Adam Stanheight: I'm a liar? What did you do last night, Lawrence? Work at a hospital, saving sick children? You told me that after you left your house last night, you went to work at a hospital.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: That's because it's the truth.

Adam Stanheight: No. Your wife is right, Larry. You don't recall getting your picture taken in the parking lot? [takes out some pictures and throws them] I can prove that you didn't go anywhere near a hospital last night.

Detective David Tapp: At least we'll have the cover of darkness.

Detective Steven Sing: So will anybody else.

Alison Gordon: How can you go through life pretending your happy?

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I am happy.

Alison Gordon: That is complete bullshit; I'd rather you break down and tell me you hated me. At least there would be some passion in it.

Adam Stanheight: No! Lawrence, please! I'm begging you! Lawrence, it's not me who did this to you!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: You have to die.

Adam Stanheight: No! I want to live!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: I'm sorry...

Adam Stanheight: I want to live!

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: My family... [shoots Adam] There! I've done it! Now show them to me!

Zep Hindle: [examining Adam's body] You're too late. [aims a gun at Lawrence]

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Why?

Zep Hindle: It's the rules.

Tape: Hello, Mr. Hindle... or, as they called you around the hospital: Zep. I want you to make a choice. There's a slow-acting poison coursing through your system, to which only I have the antidote for. Will you murder a mother and her child to save yourself?

[Flashback]

Zep Hindle: Dr. Gordon's time is up.

[Present]

Tape: Listen carefully, if you will; there are rules.

[Flashback]

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: Why?

Zep Hindle: It's the rules.

[Present]

[the corpse in the room stands, peeling off the latex bullet wound cap]

Jigsaw: [points to the bathtub] Key to that chain... is in the bathtub.

[Flashback]

[the key goes down the drain when Adam accidentally unplugs it]

Zep Hindle: He's a very interesting person. His name's John.

Dr. Lawrence Gordon: He has an inoperable frontal lobe tumor.

Jigsaw: I'm sick from the disease eating away at me inside.

Detective Allison Kerry: Sounds like our friend Jigsaw.

Jigsaw: I'm sick of people who don't appreciate their blessings.

Detective Allison Kerry: Looks like our guy likes to book himself front row seats to his own sick little games.

Tape: Hello, Mark - Paul - Amanda - Zep - Adam - Dr. Gordon. I want to play a game.

[Present]

[Adam tries to shoot Jigsaw, only to be given an electric shock that zaps the gun out of his hand]

Jigsaw: Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you... Not anymore. [Adam screams] Game over! [shuts the door]

Adam Stanheight: [screams] Don't! Don't! No! [screams fade out]

Every piece has a puzzle.

How much blood would you shed to stay alive?

Every puzzle has its pieces.

Live or die. Make your choice.

Dare you see Saw?

Oh, yes... there will be blood.

Ben Linus: [Sees that Juliet holding the book, Carrie] So I guess I'm out of the book club.

Juliet Burke: What do you do, Jack? What's your profession?

Jack Shephard: I'm a repo man. You know, when people don't pay their bills I go into the bank and collect their possessions. I'm a people person so I really love it.

Juliet Burke: Are you married?

Jack Shephard: No. I never saw the point. What about you? What's your job, besides making sandwiches?

Juliet Burke: Oh, I didn't make it. I just put the toothpicks in.

Jack Shephard: So, you're a doctor, huh?

Juliet Burke: No, I'm a repo woman.

Tom Friendly: Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit! How'd you do that?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Figured out your complicated gizmos, thats how.

Tom Friendly: It only took the bears two hours.

[Sawyer contemplates briefly]

James "Sawyer" Ford: How many of 'em were there?

Juliet Burke: It doesn't matter who we were. It only matters who we are.

Danny Pickett: Alright, here's the jig - see these rocks, here? That's where you two come in. [points to Kate] You're going to chop them loose. [points to Sawyer] And you're going to haul them out of here.

Kate Austen: You expect me to work in this dress?

Danny Pickett: Well, it's up to you. You can take it off if you want.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [to Pickett, unconvincingly] How dare you?

Danny Pickett: If you need anything, you raise your hand. You get 10 minutes for lunch.

James "Sawyer" Ford: I got a question, boss.

Danny Pickett: [irritated] No questions.

James "Sawyer" Ford: She got to ask a question.

Danny Pickett: If you try to run off, you will be shocked.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Shot?! We don't even get a warning?

Danny Pickett: Shocked. I said, shocked. If you talk to each other you're going to be shocked. If you touch each other, you're going to be shocked. If you're slacking, you're going to get shocked. Matter of fact, if you do anything at all that pisses me off, you're going to get shocked. Okay? Let's get to work.

Kate Austen: I'm not doing anything until I see Jack.

[Pickett walks toward her, then turns and shocks Sawyer with a taser. Sawyer falls to the ground in pain]

Danny Pickett: Now, that was a quarter charge. You got anymore questions? [yanks Sawyer's head back by the hair] As soon as you're able to walk - the wheelbarrow's right over there.

Sun Hwa-Kwon: We... can start a new life. We'll go away.

Jin Soo-Kwon: A new life? If we run away, your father would...]

Sun Hwa-Kwon: He won't know where we are. And you won't have to do this anymore - you won't have to-

Jin Soo-Kwon: [striking the table] I do this for you, Sun! I do this because your father expects it. I do this because that's what it takes to be married to you!

Sun Hwa-Kwon: And what does it take to be married to you?

Colleen Pickett: [to Sun] We are not the enemy. But if you shoot me, that's exactly what we'll become.

Kate Austen: Why'd she call you James?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Because that's my name. I noticed something else, too. You taste like strawberries.

Kate Austen: You taste like fish biscuits.

Ben Linus: Your flight crashed on September 22 2004. Today is November 29. That means you've been on our island for 69 days, and, yes, we do have contact with the outside world, Jack. That's how we know that, during those 69 days, your fellow Americans re-elected George W. Bush, Christopher Reeve has passed away. Boston Red Sox won the World Series.

[Jack starts to laugh]

Ben Linus: What?

Jack Shephard: [still laughing] If you wanted me to believe this, you probably should've picked somebody else, besides the Red Sox.

Ben Linus: No, they were down, three games to none, against the Yankees in the league championship, and then they won eight straight.

Jack Shephard: Sure, sure, of course they did.

[Ben turns on a video of Game 4 of the World Series, in the bottom of the ninth.]

Joe Buck: ...back to Foulke...Red Sox fans have longed to hear it! The Boston Red Sox are world champions! [Jack gets up, moves towards the glass screen, stops laughing and appears lost for words] The Red Sox celebrate in the middle of the diamond...

Ben Linus: [turns off video] That's home, Jack, right there, on the other side of that glass, and if you listen to me, you trust me, if you do what I tell you, when the time comes, I'll take you there. I will take you home.

Charlie Pace: [to Locke] So, where are Eko and Desmond? Are they off being mute and building structures as well?

Charlie Pace: You're not taking drugs are you, John? I only ask because of the strict zero tolerance policy you've enacted, and I wouldn't want you to have to start punching yourself in the face.

Charlie Pace: You're not taking drugs are you, John? I only ask because of the strict zero tolerance policy you've enacted, and I wouldn't want you to have to start punching yourself in the face.

Charlie Pace: You know, when I used to get high, I'd watch nature programs on the Beeb. Polar bears are meant to be quite clever. Very clever. They're like the Einsteins of the bear community.

Charlie Pace: Hairspray? Now, I hate to be the one to point this out to you-

John Locke: [smiling] It's not for me.

Juliet Burke: [about Ben] We make decisions together.

Jack Shephard: Really? Because when I was holding that broken plate at your neck he seemed happy to just let you die. I mean, it felt like he made that decision on his own.

Juliet Burke: You don't know what you're talking about. I don't answer to him.

[Ben enters]

Ben Linus: Juliet, I need you.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Sound a little stuffy there, Chinatown. You need to blow your nose?

Danny Pickett: Just give me an excuse.

James "Sawyer" Ford: I thought I just did. What do I got to do - talk about your mother?

Ben Linus: God, I hate needles.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Damn it, Freckles, go. Every man for himself.

Kate Austen: Live together, die alone.

Ben Linus: You work so hard to make her think you don't care - that you don't need her, but, "A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. It don't make no difference who the guy is, long as he's with you. I tell you, I tell you a guy gets too lonely and he gets sick."

James "Sawyer" Ford: What the hell are you talking about?

Ben Linus: It's from Of Mice and Men. Don't you read?

Ben Linus: I was hoping you might join me for a walk.

[Jack laughs]

Ben Linus: What?

Jack Shephard: Well, you say that like...you're not going to just throw a bag over my head and drag me out of here if I say no.

Ben Linus: Then don't say no.

Ben Linus: Do you believe in God, Jack?

Jack Shephard: Do you?

Ben Linus: Two days after I found out I had a fatal tumor on my spine, a spinal surgeon fell out of the sky. And if that's not proof of God, I don't know what is.

[about the monster]

John Locke: I saw it once, you know.

Mr. Eko: And what did you see?

John Locke: I saw a very bright light. It was beautiful.

Mr. Eko: That is not what I saw.

Mr. Eko: [to Emeka] You do not know who I am!

The Man in Black: [as Yemi] Are you ready, Eko?

Mr. Eko: Yes. I am ready, Yemi. [pulls out his cross] I ask for no forgiveness, Father. For I have not sinned. I have only done what I needed to do to survive. A small boy once asked me if I was a bad man. If I could answer him now, I would tell him that... when I was a young boy, I killed a man to save my brother's life. I am not sorry for this. I am proud of this. I did not ask for the life that I was given. But it was given, nonetheless. And with it... I did my best.

The Man in Black: [as Yemi] You speak to me as if I were your brother.

Mr. Eko: [realizing] Who are you?

Jack Shephard: You needed to be in surgery yesterday.

Ben Linus: Alright, then. Whatever you need, it's yours. I'm ready.

Jack Shephard: [Laughing] No, I think you misunderstood me. I didn't say I was gonna do it. I just wanted you to understand how you're gonna die. You think I believe you people? You think I trust you? That I'm just going to do the surgery, and HOPE that you let me go?!

Edward Mars: I realized this morning that it was the Feast of the Assumption and I was feeling bad. How many holy days have come and gone since you last called? I thought you and I were friends?

Kate Austen: I don't want to run anymore.

Edward Mars: What's his name? [beat] Does he know who you are?

Kate Austen: Edward, please. I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life chasing me. Please, I love this guy. Just let me go.

Edward Mars: I'll tell you what. If you can really stay put? Really settle down? Then I'll stop chasing you. But you and I both know that's not gonna happen.

Danny Pickett: Let's go.

Jason: Ben's just gone into surgery.

Danny Pickett: Ben just put his life in the hands of one of them! Shephard wasn't even on Jacob's list.

[Something goes wrong during surgery]

Ivan: His blood pressure's dropping. He shouldn't be bleeding like that.

Jack: No, he shouldn't. [Punches out Ivan]

Jack Shephard: [to Kate] Kate, dammit, RUN!

Rachel Carlson: Oh, I fell asleep.

Juliet Burke: With candles burning - it's real safe.

James "Sawyer" Ford: This a hobby of yours, Underdog - digging holes?

Alex Rousseau: Yep. That and basket weaving. Want one?

Juliet Burke: [to Richard] Whatever you think I am, I'm not. I'm not a leader, Mr. Alpert. I'm a mess.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [to Aldo] Don't get mad at me just because you were dumb enough to fall for the old Wookiee prisoner gag.

Edmund Burke: [on mobile phone] Because you're insufferable. And you're mean. Well, you asked me for the truth, Mom, and that's the truth.

Charlie Pace: [calling after Desmond] Hey, how did you know? How did you know she was drowning?!

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I'll tell you how he knew - that guy sees the future, dude.

Charles Widmore: [showing Desmond a whiskey bottle] This is a 60 year MacCutcheon, named after Anderson MacCutcheon, esteemed Admiral from the Royal Navy. He retired with more medals than any man before or since - moved to the highlands to see out his remaining years. Admiral MacCutcheon was a great man, Hume. This was his crowning achievement. [pours some into a glass] This swallow is worth more than you could make in a month. [drinks the whiskey] To share it with you would be a waste, and a disgrace to the great man who made it - because you, Hume, will never be a great man.

Desmond Hume: Mr. Widmore, I know I'm not -

Charles Widmore: What you're not, is worthy of drinking my whiskey. How could you ever be worthy of my daughter?

Eloise Hawking: This is wrong. You don't buy the ring. You have second thoughts; you walk right out that door. So, come on, let's have it.

Desmond Hume: I don't know what you're on about.

Ms. Hawking: You don't buy the ring, Desmond.

Desmond Hume: How do you know my name?

Eloise Hawking: Well, I know your name as well as I know that you that don't ask Penny to marry you. In fact, you break her heart. Well, breaking her heart is, of course, what drives you in a few short years from now to enter that sailing race, to prove her father wrong, which brings you to the island where you spend the next 3 years of your life entering numbers into the computer until you are forced to turn that failsafe key. And if you don't do those things, Desmond David Hume, every single one of us is dead. So give me that sodding ring!

[a man Ms. Hawking pointed out to Desmond has just been killed by scaffolding]

Desmond Hume: Oh, my God. You knew that was going to happen, didn't you? [she nods] Then why didn't you stop it? Why didn't you do anything?

Eloise Hawking: Because it wouldn't matter. Had I warned him about the scaffolding tomorrow he'd be hit by a taxi. If I warned him about the taxi, he'd fall in the shower and break his neck. The universe, unfortunately, has a way of course correcting. That man was supposed to die. That was his path just as it's your path to go to the island. You don't do it because you choose to, Desmond. You do it because you're supposed to.

Tom Friendly: What kind of people do you think we are, Jack?

Jack Shephard: Oh, I don't know, Tom - the kind of people that would take a pregnant woman - that would hang Charlie from a tree - would drag our people out of the jungle - would kidnap children. That's the kind of people I think you are.

Tom Friendly: [tapping the glass] You see this glass house you're living in, Jack? How about I get you some stones?

Jack Shephard: Who's that woman?

Tom Friendly: That'd be the sheriff.

Jack Shephard: You have a sheriff?

Tom Friendly: [exasperated] Not literally, Jack.

Jack Shephard: I'd be more impressed with you people if you had a good surgeon.

Ben Linus: We had an excellent surgeon, Jack. His name was Ethan

David Reyes: Having hope is never stupid. You've got to believe good things will happen and then they will.

Charlie Pace: Yeah, chase the dog with the skeletal arm into the creepy jungle. You be my guest.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I'll give you a thousand dollars right now if admit that my dad told you to say this stuff.

Lynn Karnoff: The mystic arts are not subject to bribes. How dare you!

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: 10,000.

Lynn Karnoff: Your dad put me up to it.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Let's look death in the face and say, "whatever, man."

James "Sawyer" Ford: What's your problem, Jumbotron?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Shut up! Red - neck - man.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Touché.

Mikhail Bakunin: I grew up in Kiev and joined the Soviet Army. I was stationed at a listening post at Vladivostok. After the Cold War, after we lost the Cold War, my unit was decommissioned. I was dismissed from my life in the military. And after years of conducting unpleasant actions against our enemies, I found myself wanting to do something good. So I replied to a newspaper advertisement.

Sayid Jarrah: An advertisement?

Mikhail Bakunin: 'Would you like to save the world?' it read. That's how I met them, the Initiative. They're very secretive, very rich, very smart.

Sayid Jarrah: So, when did you come to the island?

Mikhail Bakunin: 11 years now. I like computers, communications equipment, being alone like a lighthouse keeper. So they put me in this station. They called it The Flame.

[Kate and Sayid are inside the Flame station with Mikhail, who claims to be a member of the DHARMA Initiative; Mikhail is sewing Sayid's bullet injury and the cat is scratching the carpet]

Mikhail Bakunin: Будьте вежливы, они - мои гости, Надия.

Sayid Jarrah: What did you just say?

Mikhail Bakunin: I told Nadia to be polite, because you are my guests.

Sayid Jarrah: Nadia?

Mikhail Bakunin: After Nadia Comaneci. The greatest athlete the world has even known. We have the same birth date.

Mikhail Bakunin: Why are we continuing to play this little game when we all know it has moved to the next stage?

Amira: After my husband and I first arrived to Paris, I was afraid to ever leave our apartment. So I would stare out in the window into the alley, and I would see this cat looking for scraps. One day some children came into the alley and trapped him in a box. I watched them light firecrackers and drop them in the box. I could hear him howl from three stories above. So finally, I had a reason to leave my apartment. I rescued this cat and I brought him home. He sits with me when I read, sleeps with me, and he purrs. But, every once in a while, he will bite me or scratch me. He does this because sometimes he forgets that he is safe now. So I forgive him when he bites me, because I remember what it is like to never feel safe. And that is because of you. So today, I ask only one thing of you: I ask you now to show me the respect by acknowledging what you did to me. That it was you who questioned me, tortured me and that you remember me.

Sayid Jarrah: I remember you. I remember your face. Your face has haunted me ever since I left Iraq. [crying] I am sorry. I am so sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry.

Amira: I forgive you. When my husband returns, I will tell I made a terrible mistake, that it was not you, and he will release you.

Sayid Jarrah: Why? Why are you letting me go?

Amira: We are all capable of doing what those children did to this cat. But I will not do that. I will not be that.

[Kate, Sayid, and Locke are holding Mikhail prisoner]

John Locke: Remind me why we're keeping him alive.

Sayid Jarrah: What do you suggest? That we shoot him like a dog?

John Locke: No. I like dogs.

Kate Austen: Can I ask you something? I told you that your daughter was living with them, and you haven't asked me a single question about her, you haven't—

Danielle Rousseau: Your friend, Jack. Do you care about him?

Kate Austen: Yes.

Danielle Rousseau: Imagine 16 years from now, you're told he's still alive, but in your heart, you know that he wouldn't remember you. He wouldn't know you. He wouldn't even know that you ever cared about him. I haven't asked you questions about my daughter because I do not want to know the answers.

Mikhail Bakunin: I will try to make this as simple as I can. You are not on the list because you are flawed. Because you are angry, and weak, and frightened.

John Locke: The man from Tallahassee? What is that? Some kind of code?

Ben Linus: No, John, unfortunately we don't have a code for "There's a man in my closet with a gun to my daughter's head." Although we obviously should.

John Locke: Where do you get electricity?

Ben Linus: We have two giant hamsters running in a massive wheel at our secret underground lair.

Ben Linus: Why are you so angry, John?

John Locke: Because you're cheating! You and your people communicate with the outside world whenever you want to, you... you come and go as you please... you use electricity and running water and guns... You're a hypocrite! A pharisee. You don't deserve to be on this island. If you had any idea what this place really was... you wouldn't be putting chicken in your refrigerator!

Ben Linus: You've been here 80 days, John. I've been here my entire life! So how is it that you think you know this island better than I do?

John Locke: Because you're in the wheelchair, and I'm not.

Anthony Cooper: I'm a con man, not a murderer.

Ben Linus: When I asked you earlier if it hurt when you suffered your injury, I think you misunderstood me. Seems fairly obvious that when a person's back smashes into a hard surface after being thrown from a building, that that's going to sting a little. But I really wasn't asking about the physical pain.

John Locke: What, do you want to know if it hurt my feelings?

Ben Linus: No, John. I wanted to know what it felt like when your own father tried to kill you.

[Nikki's character Corvette in the TV show Exposé has been shot]

Howard Zukerman: Brilliant, Nikki. As always. You know, you don't need to die. We can bring you back next season.

Nikki Fernandez: [laughs] How?

Howard Zukerman: Well, let's say that, uh, Corvette was wearing a bullet-proof vest?

[Nikki briefly opens her gown, revealing her character's skimpy costume]

Howard Zukerman: Bullet-proof breast!

Nikki Fernandez: Look, I'm just a guest star, and we all know what happens to guest stars.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dude... Nikki's dead.

James "Sawyer" Ford: ... Who the hell's Nikki?

Nikki Fernandez: [finding Zukerman's diamonds] Razzle-frickin'-dazzle.

Paulo: Are you sure we should be listening to a high school science teacher?

Nikki Fernandez: Junior high, and yes. What's your problem with Leslie anyway?

Paulo: Leslie?

Nikki Fernandez: Oh ho, you're jealous!

Paulo: Of him? Ha, never.

Nikki Fernandez: Yeah, his spiders turn me on so much, I had to sleep with him to get the map.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: [at Nikki and Paulo's funeral] Nikki and Paulo. I guess we didn't really know you very well. And it appears, you killed each other for diamonds.

Kate Austen: [to Juliet] Welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell's going on.

Juliet Burke: Oh if you don't believe me, you can always pull my other shoulder out of its socket.

Kate Austen: I was, I wasn't trying to...

Juliet Burke: Don't flatter yourself. This is the fourth time its been dislocated.

Kate Austen: Jack told me not to come back to protect me! Because he didn't want me to get hurt!

Juliet Burke: Is that what you think?

Kate Austen: Yeah, that's what I think!

Juliet Burke: We have cameras on the cages, Kate. All of them. He saw you. You and Sawyer. The reason Jack told you not to come back wasn't because he didn't want you to get hurt. It was because you broke his heart. So. Grab my wrist. Push up. And twist!

Juliet Burke: [to Kate] They left me behind too, they gassed me! I know that you don't care, but the people I spent the last three years of my life with, they just left me! I thought that maybe, maybe if I could make you think that we were in it together. Maybe I wouldn't get left behind again.

[Sawyer has just realized that Hurley has tricked him into being nice by telling him the survivors were voting to banish him]

James "Sawyer" Ford: You son of a bitch. There wasn't ever going to be no vote.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Wasn't it nice, being nice?

James "Sawyer" Ford: You tricked me into being decent? That's gotta be the lamest con in the history of cons!

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Wasn't a con, dude. If you're going to be our temporary leader you need to do some damage control.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Leader? What the hell are you smoking?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Jack's gone, Locke's gone, Kate and Sayid...you're all we got. Paulo and Nikki died. We all look to you. Then again, you tried to steal their diamonds, but we wanted to look to you. Look around. You made everyone happy. Just for today, they can eat boar, laugh, and forget that they're totally screwed. And you did that for 'em, dude. You.

James "Sawyer" Ford: What if I don't want to be the leader?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah, well, I don't think Jack wanted it either. Sucks for you, dude.

Richard Alpert: [to Juliet] Let me ask you something, Juliet. You took a woman, your own sister. Whose reproductive system was ravaged by chemotherapy, who was sterile. And you made her pregnant. You created life where life wasn't supposed to be. That's a gift, Juliet. You have a gift. And don't you think you're meant to do something significant with it? Where we're going, you can do just that.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I don't remember you from the dock. Where you put bags on our heads. After you shocked us.

Juliet Burke: I had the day off.

Juliet Burke: If you can cure cancer Ben, then why do you have it?

Ben Linus: I don't know.

[Juliet suddenly smacks Ben's glass of water from his hand and advances on him]

Juliet Burke: I want to talk to her. I want to talk to Rachel, I want to talk to her, now!

Ben Linus: It's not going to happen Juliet, but I can promise you that Rachel is fine.

Juliet Burke: You never cured her!

Ben Linus: I did!

Juliet Burke: You're a liar!

Ben Linus: No, Juliet—

Juliet Burke: [yelling] You lied to me!

Ben Linus: I told you the truth!

[Juliet stands, holding back tears]

Ben Linus: I gave you my word.

Juliet Burke: [beginning to cry and leaning on Ben] I know. I wanna go home. I wanna go home, Ben, please. Can't you please just let me go home?

Ben Linus: [beat] No.

Juliet Burke: [to Sayid and Sawyer] You know its interesting, that you two are now the camp's moral police. I'm curious, Sayid, how long was it before you told everyone on that beach exactly how many people you've tortured in your life. Do they know about Basra? And I'm sure the first thing you did when you got here, James, was to gather everyone in a circle, and tell them about the man you shot in cold blood the night before you got on the plane. So why don't we just skip the part where you two pretend to be righteous. I'm taking that medication back to Claire. And you're gonna let me. Because if she doesn't get it, she's gonna die. And the last thing, that either of you need right now, is more blood on your hands.

Juliet Burke: [to Sun] Once upon a time, I told women that they were pregnant and their faces, it was the best news they ever got in their entire life. Then I came here. I've lost, nine, patients in the last three years. I'm helping you because I want to tell you that you and your husband got pregnant before you came here. I'm helping you because I wanna give good news again.

[Ben is encouraging Locke to kill Cooper]

Anthony Cooper: You're kidding me, right? You expect him to kill me?

Ben Linus: John. The hesitation that you're feeling is just the part of you that still feels like he is a perfectly good explanation for stealing your kidney. Throwing you out of an eight-story window. Don't you want to be free from him?

Anthony Cooper: The hesitation he's feeling is because he is a spineless—

John Locke: Shut up!

John Locke: I, I gotta think.

Ben Linus: Don't think, John.

Anthony Cooper: [to Ben] You're wasting your time, bug-eye. Me and him have been through all this. All he wants is his daddy—

John Locke: Shut up! I said shut up!

Anthony Cooper: You really haven't figured it out yet have you?

Ben Linus: Let go of him, John.

John Locke: Why are you doing this to me?

Ben Linus: You're doing this to yourself. As long as he's still breathing, you'll still be that same sad pathetic little man that was kicked off his walkabout tour because you couldn't walk.

[Locke presses the knife against Cooper's neck, but takes it away]

Anthony Cooper: I'll be here the rest of the week John if you change your mind-

[Ben strikes Cooper with his walking stick, knocking him out cold. He turns to the Others]]

Ben Linus: I'm sorry. He's not who we thought he was.

Richard Alpert: Ben knew you weren't gonna kill your own father. He put you in front of everyone in our camp just so they could all watch you fail.

John Locke: Why?

Richard Alpert: Cause when word got back here that there was a man with a broken spine on the plane who could suddenly walk again, well, people here began to get very excited because that, that could only happen to someone who was extremely special. But Ben doesn't want anyone to think you're special, John.

John Locke: And why are you telling me this?

Richard Alpert: Ben has been wasting our time with novelties like fertility problems. We're looking for someone to remind us that we're here for more important reasons.

John Locke: What do you want from me?

Richard Alpert: I want for you to find your purpose. And to do that, your father has to go, John. And since you're not gonna do it, I'm gonna suggest someone else.

Anthony Cooper: [to Sawyer] I'm driving down I-10 through Tallahassee when bam, somebody slams into the back of my car. I go right into the divider at 70 miles an hour. The next thing I know, the paramedics are strapping me to a gurney, stuffing me into the back of an ambulance, and one of them actually smiles at me as he pops the IV in my arm. And then, nothing. Just, black. And the next thing I know I wake up in a dark room tied up, gag in my mouth, and when the door opens, I'm looking up at the same man I threw out a window, John Locke. My dead son.

Anthony Cooper: Little hot for heaven isn't it?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Oh OK, so we're dead?

Anthony Cooper: They found your plane on the bottom of the ocean. One minute I'm in a car wreck and the next minute I'm in a pirate ship in the middle of the jungle. If this isn't hell, friend, then where are we?

[Sawyer hands Cooper the letter he wrote to him as a child]

James "Sawyer" Ford: Read it.

Anthony Cooper: "Dear Mr Sawyer." What is this?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Just read it.

Anthony Cooper: "You don't know who I am, but I know who you are. And I know what you done. You had sex with my mother, and then you stole my dad's money all away, so he got angry and he killed my mother, and then he killed himself" blah blah blah blah. So what? Is this supposed to be you, you wrote this letter? Hey wait a second. Did you take my name because you were on some kind of revenge kick?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Keep reading.

Anthony Cooper: Easy, easy, don't get all worked up. Look, I ran that con two dozen times. If your mother was one of the—

James "Sawyer" Ford: Mary. Her name was Mary.

Anthony Cooper: Mary from Jasper, Alabama. Yeah, I remember her. She practically begged me to take her thirty-eight thousand dollars and to rescue her from her sorry little life.

James "Sawyer" Ford: You finish the letter.

Anthony Cooper: Look, I only took her money. It ain't my fault your dad overreacted. If he pulled the old murder suicide, then I'm sure he's down here somewhere. Er, maybe you could take this up with him—

James "Sawyer" Ford: FINISH IT!

Anthony Cooper: OK. OK.

[Cooper rips up the letter. Sawyer attacks him, throttling him with the slave chains in the room]

James "Sawyer" Ford: You wanna go to hell?! You wanna go to hell?!

[Sawyer keeps choking Cooper, who dies]

Roger Linus: [to Ben] It's your birthday. Sorry I forgot. Kinda hard to celebrate on the day you killed your mom. She was just seven months pregnant. We went for a hike, but you had to come early. Now, she's gone. And I'm stuck here on this island...with you. Happy birthday, Ben.

Richard Alpert: You should go home now, your people will be looking for you.

Ben Linus: I don't want to go back there! I hate it there! Take me with you.

Richard Alpert: Maybe that can happen, maybe. But if that's what you really want, Ben, if that's what you want, I want you to really think about that. And you're gonna have to be very, very patient.

Roger Linus: Listen...if it makes you feel any better, I will do my best to remember your birthday next year.

Ben Linus: I don't think that's going to happen, Dad. [starts to unzip bag]

Roger Linus: What do you mean?

Ben Linus: You know, I've missed her too. Maybe as much as you have. But the difference is, for as long as I can remember, I've had to put up with you. And doing that required a tremendous amount of patience. [pulling out a gas mask] Goodbye, Dad.

[Ben shows Locke the mass grave of DHARMA inhabitants]

Ben Linus: This is where I came from, John. These are my people. The DHARMA Initiative. They came here seeking harmony, but they couldn't even coexist with the Island's original inhabitants. And when it became clear that one side had to go, one side had to be purged, I did what I had to do. I was one of the people that was smart enough to make sure that I didn't end up in that ditch. Which makes me considerably smarter than you, John.

Jack Shephard: When Juliet told me they were coming, the first thing I thought was, "Where the hell are we gonna hide this time?" But hiding's pointless. They're just gonna keep coming back. So I went out and I found some help. And for the past few days she's been bringing dynamite back from the Black Rock. For the very first time we know exactly what they want, when they're coming to get it, and they have no idea that we're gonna be waiting for 'em. So Juliet's gonna mark the tents with the white rocks just like she was told to, but there's not going to be any pregnant women inside; there's gonna be plenty of what we just used on that tree. So tomorrow night, we stop hiding, we stop running, we stop living in fear of them, because when they show up, we're gonna blow 'em all to hell.

James "Sawyer" Ford: What the hell are you doing here, Karl?

Karl Martin: They're… coming… my people…

James "Sawyer" Ford: Sorry you came all this way for nothing, but we already know.

Karl Martin: Then why are you still here?

James "Sawyer" Ford: 'Cause when your people show up here tomorrow night, we're going to be ready for 'em.

Karl Martin: Tomorrow? No. No, they're coming tonight. They're coming right now!

Ryan Pryce: Well, if I take my ten best, we could set up to hit 'em by nightfall.

Ben Linus: Then you'd better get going.

Richard Alpert: No, no, Ben, wait, moving at this schedule, Juliet may not be ready. What if she hasn't had time to...

Ben Linus: Then we'll take all their women. And we'll sort out the ones we need later.

Ryan Pryce: And the men?

Ben Linus: If any of them are stupid enough to get in your way, kill 'em.

Karl Martin: [points at Juliet] She's a spy. [dramatically] She's supposed to mark the tents of the pregnant women with white rocks so they can take them.

Juliet Burke: They know, Karl, but thanks.

Jack Shephard: Better get going. Rousseau said it's about a day's walk up to the radio tower.

Sayid Jarrah: I'm not taking them up to the tower—you are.

Jack Shephard: Excuse me?

Sayid Jarrah: You're not staying behind.

Jack Shephard: This was my idea.

Sayid Jarrah: And I'm perfectly capable of executing it.

Jack Shephard: I owe them!

Sayid Jarrah: What are you more concerned about: killing the Others or getting our people off this island? This afternoon you said you were our leader. It's time for you to act like one. Lead them to the radio tower, Jack and then take us all home.

[Charlie's "greatest hits" written on a sheet of paper]:

5\. The first time I heard myself on the radio.

4\. Dad teaching me to swim at Butlins.

3\. The Christmas Liam gave me the ring.

2\. Woman outside Covent Garden calls me a hero.

1\. The night I met you [Claire].

Sayid Jarrah: [to Jack] Jack, no matter what happens here, I want you to keep moving; keep moving for that radio tower. Don't turn back for any reason. I'm willing to give my life if it means securing rescue, but I'm not giving it up for nothing. You understand?

Rose Henderson Nadler Say it, Bernard.

Bernard Nadler: I am a dentist. I am not Rambo.

Bonnie: [over the walkie-talkie] One of them's down here.

Ben Linus: I'm sorry, what?!

Bonnie: We have him tied up but he's here. One of them swam down here.

Ben Linus: Who? Which one?

Bonnie: He won't tell us.

Charlie Pace: [Overhearing] It's Charlie! Tell him I said hi!

Rose Henderson Nadler: [to Jack] If you say 'live together die alone' to me Jack, I'm gonna punch you in your face.

Richard Alpert: Now might not be the best time to go tromping off on your own.

Ben Linus: Oh really and why not?

Richard Alpert: Because people are asking questions, Ben. About leaving home, about what happened to Locke, about Jacob. Not to mention the rapidly spreading rumor that everyone that went down to the beach is dead.

Ben Linus: They're not all dead.

Bonnie: We were following orders.

Mikhail Bakunin: And you never asked why?

Bonnie: No. Because I trust him. And I trust Jacob. And the minute I start questioning orders, this whole thing, everything that we're doing here falls apart.

Mikhail Bakunin: [To Greta] She makes an excellent point.

[Mikhail shoots Greta and attacks Bonnie]

Bonnie: No, please.

Mikhail Bakunin: I'm sorry, Bonnie, I too am following orders.

Ben Linus: Let me ask you something, Jack. Why do you wanna leave the Island? What is it that you so desperately want to get back to? You have no-one. Your father's dead, your wife left you, moved on with another man. Can you just not wait to get back to the hospital? Get back to fixing things? It's 20 seconds now. Just get me the phone, Jack.

Ryan Pryce: It was an order, Tom, we had to follow it.

Tom Friendly: Ben doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, he's lost it! I mean look at what they did to us. Instead of putting three bullets in the damned sand, we should have killed them for real.

Rick Grimes: What's the difference between men and women?

Shane Walsh: Is this a joke?

Rick Grimes: No, serious.

Shane Walsh: Never met a woman who knew how to turn off a light. Born thinking the switch only goes one way: on. Come home, house all lit up, and my job, you see, apparently because my chromosomes happen to be different is that I gotta walk through that house and turn off every single light this chick left on.

Rick Grimes: Is that right?

Shane Walsh: Yeah, baby. Oh Reverend Shane is a-preachin' to ya now, boy. Then this same chick, mind ya, she'll bitch about, uh, Global Warming. This is where Reverend Shane wants to quote from the Guy Gospel and say, "Uh, darlin' maybe if you and every other pair of boobs on this planet could just figure out that the light switch, see, goes both ways, maybe we wouldn't have so much Global Warming?"

Rick Grimes: You say that?

Shane Walsh: The polite version. Still, that earns me this look of loathing you would not believe and that's when the Exorcist voice pops out "You sound just like my damn Father! Always yellin' about the power bill and tellin' me to turn off the damn lights!"

Rick Grimes: What do you say to that?

Shane Walsh: I know what I want to say. What I want to say, "Bitch, you mean to tell me you've been hearing this your entire life and you are still too damn stupid to learn how to turn off a switch?"

Morgan Jones: Bites kill you. The fever burns you out. But then after a while...you come back.

Glenn Rhee: [over the radio to Rick] Hey, you. Dumbass. Hey, you in the tank. Cozy in there?

Glenn Rhee: [to Rick] Nice moves there, Clint Eastwood. You the new sheriff come riding in to clean up the town?

Merle Dixon: Hey! Y'all be more polite to a man with a gun! Huh? Ah! Only common sense.

Merle Dixon: Who the hell are you, man?!

Rick Grimes: Officer Friendly. Look here, Merle. Things are different now. There are no niggers anymore. No dumb-as-shit, inbred white-trash fools either. Only dark meat and white meat. There's us and the dead. We survive this by pulling together, not apart.

Merle Dixon: Screw you, man.

Rick Grimes: I can see you make a habit of missing the point.

Merle Dixon: Yeah? Well, screw you twice.

Rick Grimes: Ought to be polite to a man with a gun. [cocks gun] Only common sense.

Merle Dixon: You wouldn't. You're a cop.

Rick Grimes: All I am anymore is a man looking for his wife and son. Anybody that gets in the way of that is gonna lose. I'll give you a moment to think about that.

Merle Dixon: [delirious] That's right. You heard me, bitch. You got a problem? Bring it on if you're man enough, or take it up the chain if you're a pussy. You heard me, you pussy-ass noncom bitch. You ain't deaf. Take it up the damn chain of command or you can kiss my lily-white ass. [laughs] That's right. That's what I said. You heard me. And then this idiot, he takes a swing, you know, and well... [laughs] Oh, you should've seen the look on his face when I punched out his front teeth. Yeah, five of 'em. Pow! Pow! Just like that. Huh. Oh my God. Oh, 16 months... in the stockade, that's what them teeth cost me. That was, that was hard time, but by God, it was worth every minute of it just to see that prick spit his teeth out on the ground. Yes sir, worth every minute. Mmm.

Merle Dixon: [praying] I didn't behave, I know. I know I'm being punished. I know. I- Oh, I deserve it. I deserve it. I've been bad. Help me now. Show me the way. Go on, tell me what to do. Tell me. Tell me. God!That's okay. Never you mind, silly Christ boy. I ain't begged you before. I ain't gonna start begging now. I ain't gonna beg you now! Don't you worry about me begging you ever! I'll never beg you! I ain't gonna beg you! I never begged you before.

Dale Horvath: Words can be meager things. Sometimes they fall short.

Daryl Dixon: Nobody can kill Merle but Merle.

Shane Walsh: Jim, nobody is gonna hurt you, okay?

Jim: That's a lie. That's the biggest lie there is. I told that to my wife and my two boys. I said it 100 times. It didn't matter. They came out of nowhere. There were dozens of 'em. Just pulled 'em right out of my hands. You know, the only reason I got away was 'cause the dead were too busy eating my family.

Daryl Dixon: Hey kid, what'd you do before all this?

Glenn Rhee: Deliver pizzas. Why?

Daryl Dixon: You got some balls for a China man.

Glenn Rhee: I'm Korean.

Daryl Dixon: Whatever.

Jim: I remember my dream now, why I dug the holes.

[Dr. Jenner is speaking to a recording camera.]

Edwin Jenner: Jenner here. It's Day 194 since Wildfire was declared and 63 days since the disease abruptly went global. There's no clinical progress to report. Item: I finally got the scrubbers in the east sector shut down to save power. Wish I could have done it a month ago, but it took me how long to figure it out. Too bad I never studied engineering. Could have saved a lot of amps. Item: Still not sleeping well. Can't seem to keep regular hours. Living underground doesn't help; not knowing if it's day or night. Just...feeling very...off.

[Dr. Jenner is speaking to a recording camera after the decontamination process destroyed his samples.]

Edwin Jenner: The TS-19 samples are gone. The tragedy of their loss cannot be overstated. They were our freshest samples, by far. None of the other samples we gathered came close. Those are necrotic. Useless, dead flesh. [Pause] I don't even know why I'm talking to you. I bet there isn't a single son of a bitch still listening out there, is there? [Gets closer to the camera] Is there? Fine. Saves me the embarrassment. I think tomorrow I'm gonna blow my brains out. I haven't decided. But tonight, I'm getting drunk. [Pours a glass of wine, finishing the bottle. Shows the camera the bottle.] Speaking of which, how far do you think I can chuck this, huh? Pretty far, I bet. [Throws bottle across room, shattering it.] Oh! It is out of the stadium!

Rick Grimes: [to Jenner] You don't know what it's like out there. You may think you do but you don't. It's only a matter of time. There's too many of those things. My boy, my wife, I never told them what I really thought. I never even hinted, just, just kept it in, kept us moving, kept it in, kept us moving.

Dale Horvath: I see a chance to make a new start.

Daryl Dixon: Man, I'm gonna get shit-faced drunk. again.

Edwin Jenner: This is what takes us down. This is our extinction event.


	26. The Family Jetstones Parkarama

Wilma and Betty: Melville J. Muchrocks is a crook.

Fred: Muchrocks a crook? Are you sure?

Wilma: Absolutely, he's wanted by the police.

Betty: We heard him described to a T.

Fred: Wilma, do you know where they went?

Wilma: They said they were going to the amusement park and then to dinner. Oh my poor mother.

Fred: Don't you worry sweetheart, you leave it to me. Barney.

Barney: Yeah Fred?

Fred: C'mon, let's go.

Barney: Right Fred.

Fred: You ever play football, Barney?

Barney: Yeah Fred, why?

Fred: Because you're going to run interference while I intercept a proposal.

Barney: Frederick! Frederick! I HATE FREDERICK!

Wilma: I work hard all day, too, and what do I get? A lot of yak from you. You at least get out everyday, see things, talk to people. I never get out of this cave.

Fred: Where's your get up and go?

Barney: It just got up and went.

Fred: I love my dear sweet mother in-law. My mother in-law is a doll.

Attendant: Are you feeling alright, mister?

Fred: Huh? Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

Attendant: Good. Good. You just stay in here and rest. That hot sun out there is a killer.

Fred: Poor guy, he must have been standing in it for hours.

Fred: Yeah, you laugh. You'll see, Barn, they know me in this bank, they'll help me right a way.

Bank Clerk: Look, pals, it's Fred Flintstone.

Fred: Yeah, hi. I'd like to lent some money here.

Bank Clerk: Ha ha ha ha! See that, pals? Fred Flintstone wants money. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Betty: Sometimes I just don't know what's the matter with men.

Barney: That's easy - you women!

Fred: How can you be so stupid?

Barney: Hey, that's not very nice. Say you're sorry.

Fred: I'm sorry you're stupid.

Mr. Spacely: Jetson! Thank goodness you're still here! I've got some good news and some bad news...

George: What's the bad news, Mr. Spacely?

Mr. Spacely: We've discovered a very dangerous computer virus that you have to stop right away!

George: But that could take months! By the way... what's the good news?

Mr. Spacely: The good news is I don't have to do it! 'Bye now!

George Jetson: JANE! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!

[The fourth grade class, including Bart, is singing "Jingle Bells" in the school Christmas pageant.]

Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like an angel?

[All the other kids sing "Jingle Bells" correctly while Bart sings inappropriately by choosing alternate lyrics]

Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, the Joker got awa-hey!

[Skinner yanks Bart out of the choir and Homer is displeased with his misbehavior.]

(Bart and Barney are trying to convince Homer to go to the dogtrack and bet his paycheck to get Christmas money)

Bart: Come on, Dad. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

Homer: Oh, okay, let's go. (as Barney, Bart, and Homer are leaving) Who's Tiny Tim?

(Bart goes to the Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor)

Bart: One "Mother," please.

Tattoo Artist: Wait a minute. How old are you?

Bart: 21, sir.

Tattoo Artist: Get in the chair.

Homer: [picks up the phone] Yello.

Patty: [voice from the phone] Marge, please.

Homer: Who is it?

Patty: [voice] May I please speak to Marge?

Homer: [unsure] This is one of her sisters, isn't it?

Patty: [voice] Is Marge there?

Homer: [annoyed] Who shall I say is calling?!

Patty: [voice] Marge, please.

Homer: [dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner... uh, little partner?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

After Homer reveals he took the job as a mall Santa because there is no money for presents

Bart: I am impressed, Dad. You must really love us to do something so demeaning.

[The family is playing Scrabble.]

Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.

[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]

Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.

Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.

Marge: And a short temper.

Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.

Homer: What is it, son?

Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.

Homer: What?

Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

[Long pause.]

Homer: Why you little...! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]

Marge: What's going on out there?

Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge: Oh, well.

[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]

Homer: YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!

Bart: I can try!

Homer: March your butt right out here, NOW!

Bart: No way, man!

[Homer is about to continue pounding on the door, but stops with a crafty smile.]

Homer: [with false concern] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!

[Homer howls in rage and continues pounding at the door.]

[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy.]

Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.

[Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug.]

Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.

Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely!

[the customers laugh]

Moe: Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!

[Bart and Lisa laugh]

Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.

Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

Homer: Afternoon, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns: Ah, hello there, uh.. uh...

Homer: [whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.

Smithers: [gives cue card] Here you go, sir.

Mr. Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little... Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!

Bart: Bart.

Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!

Homer: Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

Lisa: Hey, Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!

Bart: Heey!

Homer: D'oh! [runs after them] Be normal! Be normal!

Marge: Homey! Get in the car!

Lisa: This is where you belong!

Bart: Yeah, Homer, room for one more!

Marge, Lisa and Bart: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!

[Homer reluctantly gets in the car and envisions himself driving in Hell with the rest of the family laughing in delight. He looks across to see the perfectly normal family continue their drive to Heaven. Cut to Homer driving his family home normally while Marge looks on about to be sick.]

[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them.]

Dr. Monroe: (to Homer) Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.

Marge: Now, Doctor, that's not true.

Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.

Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.

Homer: That does it!

[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it.]

Dr. Monroe: Whoa!

[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer.]

Dr. Monroe: (Chuckles) Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart: I guess I could do that.

Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!

Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?!

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children!

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.

Homer: Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?

Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]

Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.

Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

Homer: Let's hear it.

[Lisa starts clacking for a while]

Homer: You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.

Lisa: Every day at noon the bell rings and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable...

Bart: Haha! Food fight! [everyone but Lisa food fights each other]

Janey: C'mon, Lis! Whaddaya waitin' for? Chuck that spaghetti!

Lisa: I choose not to participate.

[Mr. Largo spots Lisa wildly off-track]

Mr. Largo: [taps music stand] Lisa! [...] Lisa Simpson! [Lisa stops] Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country, 'Tis of Thee"!

Lisa: But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about!

Mr. Largo: What?

Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The idle farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner coughing—

Mr. Largo: Aw, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week!

Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

(dreaming after the wrestling tournament became a horrible nightmare)

Homer: [screams]

Marge: Homer, wake up. Isn't that horrible buddy dream? Instead I hope when you I did once.

Homer: That's okay Marge, I noticed became a bad dream.

Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]

Marge: Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Bart: Did you check the den?

Homer: The den! Great idea!

[Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart]

Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Homer: You know where my keys are?

Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]

Homer: GRRRRH!

Bart: Did you check the rumpus room?

Homer: Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?

Lisa: Oh, Dad?

[Lisa points. The keys are still in the door lock]

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods.]

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]

Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

(Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.)

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?

Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.

Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range. I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.

Bob: Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.

(Bob the RV salesman shows the Simpson family the "Ultimate Behemoth". While the kids and Homer are impressed, Marge is concerned about the cost of the RV. She knows they can't afford it and is ignored every time she asks for the price on it.)

Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?

Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite. The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.

Bart: Whoa, man!

Marge: I'm not sure that we can afford-

Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?

Bob: It has four of them-one for each part of the chicken.

[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue.]

Chief Wiggum: [clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."

[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater.]

Jimbo: Hey, hot dog.

Bart: What? [crashes into a lamp post]

Jimbo: Nice dismount, man.

[He and his friends laugh.]

Bart: Didn't hurt.

Kearney: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!

Bart: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.

[Marge accidentally throws her bowling ball into the adjacent lane, which happens to be Jacques' lane.]

Marge: I'm-I'm awfully sorry.

Jacques: Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, [picks up Marge's ball and looks at it] Homer.

Marge: Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.

Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.

Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, [looks at Jacques' bowling ball] Brunswick.

Jacques: Call me Jacques.

Marge: Jacques.

Jacques: Marge.

Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.

Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.

[Everyone is surprised except Patty and Selma who knew that Homer has been thoughtless as usual and that gift offends Marge. This time, it's a bowling ball that collapsed on her birthday cake.]

Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off.

[Homer is looking at the ball, while Marge is furious with him for getting her another thoughtless gift.]

Homer: Beauty, isn't she?

Marge: Homer, it's hard for me to judge... (furious) since I never bowled in my life!

Homer: Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

[A furious Marge huffs out a surviving candle, extremely furious with Homer once again for ruining her birthday.]

[Bart finally realizes what Lisa is saying is true about their parents' estrangement from each other. He seeks out her help.]

Bart: Lisa, Lisa, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very, very wrong here.

Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three, Fear.

Bart:[urgently] Well, come on! We've got to do something, man!

Lisa: Sorry, Bart, I would love to help you, but I am mired in stage five, self-pity.

[Homer weighs himself again after six months.]

Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?! I'm a whale! Why are all the good things so tasty? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!

[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]

Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer: Good idea, Marge.

[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town.]

Homer: One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.

Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?

Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles]

[Apu hands Homer his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off.]

Homer: Oh. Liberty Bell.

[Homer scratches some more and gasps.]

Homer: Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please!

[Homer scratches to reveal a plum.]

Homer: D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?

[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart's problems at school.]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer: Okay, Skinner, how do we know that some headmaster in France is not pulling the same scam on us?

Skinner: Well for one thing, you will not be getting a French boy. You would be hosting an Albanian.

Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?

[Adil and Lisa debate at the dinner table.]

Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?

Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!

Adil: Can not.

Lisa: Can too.

Adil: Can not!

Lisa: Can too!

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

[Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise]

Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

[Disguised as Krusty, Sideshow Bob makes his way to the register as Apu and Homer talk.]

Apu: What is the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream!

Homer: The reason I look unhappy is 'cause tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters! Or as I call them, "The Gruesome Twosome!"

[Homer and Apu chuckle. As Homer turns and leaves, he accidentally steps on "Krusty's" foot.]

Sideshow Bob: (disguised as Krusty) OW, my foot! You lousy, stupid, clumsy...!

Homer: Sorry, pal...

[Homer screams in horror when he spots "Krusty" holding a handgun and dives head first into a potato chip display]

Sideshow Bob: (pointing gun at Apu) Hand over all your money in a paper bag!

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery! I do work in a convenience store, you know!

[He hands over paper bag contained with money after which "Krusty" flees.]

Apu: You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

[Homer sighs in relief.]

[on the surveillance tape during the breaking news]

Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.

[He laughs with Apu.]

Marge: [embarrassed] Oh Homer.

Patty: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it, but... I need your help.

Lisa: You do? Why?

Bart: Oh, come on, you know why.

Lisa: No, why?

Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.

Lisa: [smug chuckle]

Bart: [holds out his hand] So, you with me?

Lisa: [slaps it] Yeah, man!

Judge: You have been charged with armed robbery. How do you plead?

Krusty: I plead guilty, Your Honor!

Courtroom gasps. Defense attorney, obviously irked, whispers to Krusty

Krusty: Oops, I mean to say I plead not guilty. Opening night jitters, heh, heh!

Prosecutor: I would like to point out how Exhibit B has been a motive behind the robbery. Krusty, do you recognize Exhibit B?

Krusty: What is that?

Prosecutor: Exhibit B. Look at the one marked "B".

[Krusty looks dumbfounded]

Prosecutor: What's the matter, can't you read?

Krusty: (sobbing) No! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate! Now are you happy?!

[Courtroom reacts with shock.]

Prosecutor: Could it be the champion of children's literacy programs can't even read himself?

Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to be illiterate?

Prosecutor: All right, all right. Okay, Krusty, this is a "B", and this is Exhibit B... betting slips! Indicating to this court that you have lost substantial amounts of money on sports gambling!

Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to gamble on sporting events?

Prosecutor: Yes, it is!

Krusty: Oh.

[The words "big shoes to fill" start echoing in Bart's mind, droning out Bob's talking and he starts to catch onto something that others hadn't before. Recalling with memory, Bart remembers Homer stepped on the robber's foot, resulting in him screaming in pain. However, Bart noticed Krusty's feet were small as he walked up the steps to the courthouse. He knows that despite wearing big floppy clown shoes all the time, Krusty would never felt Homer stepping on them due to his small feet. Whereas, Sideshow Bob's feet are unbelievably large and therefore he yelled at Homer for not watching where he was going. That's when it all comes together and Bart realized that Bob had the most to gain in Krusty's downfall.]

Bart: [Outraged] Wait a minute, you did it!

Sideshow Bob: I beg your pardon?

Bart: [grabbing the microphone away from Bob and faces the camera.] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof!

[He hits the end of Sideshow Bob's foot with a comedy mallet.]

Sideshow Bob: [grabbing his foot, while Bart holds the microphone on Bob] OW, MY FOOT! YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!

[The kids gasp as they hear the words uttered on the security cam.]

Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes all the time, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.

[Hits Sideshow Bob's other foot, causing him to fall down]

Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!

[Bart removes Sideshow Bob's shoe to reveal his big feet and the children turns against him for what he did to Krusty. At the police station, Eddie and Lou are watching the show and eating donuts.]

Eddie: Kid's right.

Lou: How do you suppose we missed that?

Chief Wiggum: [also eating a donut] Get off your duffs, boys! Get down to that studio!

Sideshow Bob: [in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!

Bart: Take him away, boys.

Sideshow Bob: [being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

(Homer is brought down to the police station to identify Krusty the Clown in a lineup.)

Chief Wiggum: Ready, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: Yes, sir.

Chief Wiggum: Send in the clowns!

(A lineup of five clowns enters the opposite room and stands against the wall as Homer chuckles at the sight.)

Chief Wiggum: So, Simpson, which one is it?

Homer: (giggles and laughs) Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty! (Laughs)

Chief Wiggum: (impatiently) No, no! Which one is the robber?

Homer: Oh, definitely number-(slow wheezing laugh)

Chief Wiggum: Simpson.

(Homer continues to chuckle.)

Chief Wiggum: Simpson!

Homer: (quickly) Four.

[Marge dials the babysitting service. At the Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service, there are three older women, including Ms. Botz.]

Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.

Marge: This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.

Receptionist: Wait a minute. The Simpsons?

[Looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior.]

Receptionist: Lady, you've got to be kidding!

[Receptionist slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later.]

Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.

Homer: Hello, this is Mr. Samson.

Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?

Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.

Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!

Homer: [angrily] D'oh! [trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!

Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?

Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: Hello, is Al there?

Moe: Al?

Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.

Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?

[bar denizens laugh]

Moe: Wait a minute... [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

[Bart and Lisa laugh]

Stan?: Dude!

Kyle?: What?

Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.

Kyle?: Why?

Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.

Kyle?: Cool!

Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!

Kyle?: Fuck him, let's do it anyway!

Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!

Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that fuckin hat on Frosty's fuckin head, now, didn't I!

Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket-fuckin-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!

Kyle?: [after running from Frosty disguised as Santa Claus] Uh, you know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.

Stan?: Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you, there's not going to be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!

Cartman: Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.

Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!

Cartman: Don't call me fat, bucketful!

Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you buckskin fat ass!

Cartman: Goddammit, don't call me fat, you bucketing son of a bitch!

Jesus: Behold my glory.

Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus!

Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?

Jesus: I come seeking retribution.

Stan: [gasps] He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!

Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill me!

Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my children.

Kyle: Whew.

Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.

Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!

Jesus: I must find a place called the mall.

Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.

Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!

Cartman: Goddammit, you stepped on my foot, you pig-fucker!

Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-fucker in front of Jesus!

Cartman: Ah, fuck you.

Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park mall. Who are you looking for?

Jesus: Him!

Santa: Ho ho ho ho! We meet again Jesus!

Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time Kringle!

Santa: I bring happiness to children all over the world!

Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!

Santa: Christmas is for giving!

Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!

Santa: This time we finish it! There can be only one!

Stan: Dude this is pretty fucked up right here.

Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.

Santa: No, boys, help me. So that I can put an end to him.

Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who to help.

Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?

Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.

Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who should we help?

Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.

Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.

Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew!

Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go: "Goddammit, that kid's a big fat fuck!"

Kyle: We actually met, we actually spoke with, the Brian Boitano!

Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing-

Cartman: Yeah, ham.

Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!

Cartman: Fuck you!

Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.

Kyle: What?

Stan: Presents.

Kyle: Ah.

Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?

Kyle: Yeah.

Stan: Presents.

Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!

Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!

Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

[Stewie approaches Lois, who sits at the kitchen table]

Stewie: Hello, Mother.

Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie!

Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]

Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!

Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.

[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]

Stewie: Yes, well, victory is mine!

[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device; a moment later, the grenades detonate]

Stewie: [screams] Damn you all!

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!

Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?

Phone: Can you count to three?

Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style."]

Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.

Stewie: Very well then. I-[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?

Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

[in Lois' womb]

Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

[Lois is daydreaming while washing the dishes, Stewie throws his bottle at her.]

Stewie: Damn you, woman, awake from your damnable reverie!

Lois: [sighs] Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but, you see, I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]

Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.

Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!

Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?

Stewie: No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me, shake me like a British Nanny!

Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.

Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens; inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone; he finally picks up]

Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked; to Ernie] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. [he puts on his pants, drinks out of a beer bottle, and coughs]

Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn BED!

Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

[Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]

Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh, I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg: So, do you like music?

Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?

Meg: Uh, you first.

Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Fish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]

Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.

[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]

WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.

WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

[last line]

Peter: Canada sucks!

[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy!]

Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.

Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

[after seeing the news about the heat wave]

Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!

Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Fry: Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you.

Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the prank calls.

[Fry's first glimpse of the future]

Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.

[Pause.]

Fry: YAHOO!

Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.

Fry: Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet?

Leela: No, I just work here.

Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.

Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.

Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Fry: Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.

Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.

Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.

Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?

Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want!

Leela: This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup.

[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers standing right next to her.]

Officer Smitty: We'll be there in 5 minutes.

Fry: It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots.

Fry: Can't you just leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already.

Leela: I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel.

Fry: No you don't. I've got no home, no family.

Bender: No friends.

Fry: Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?

Farnsworth: If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.

Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?

Farnsworth: You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.

Fry: So, I'm a delivery boy?

Farnsworth: Exactly.

Fry: All right! I'm a delivery boy!

Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.

Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.

Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.

Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.

Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.

Bender: I'm going to build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! You know what- forget the park!

Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, eh? I'll build my OWN lunar landing... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ehh, screw the whole thing.

Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.

Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)

Craterface: At least I have my self-respect. (laughs, then sobs quietly)

[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]

Farnsworth: My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. [falls asleep]

Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.

[Fry opens his mouth]

Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.

Fry: I only have one.

Zoidberg: Really?

Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?

Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "Bbrglgrglgrrr"!

Fry: Uh... yededededededede!

Zoidberg: What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!

[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]

Moon Rover Ride Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.

Animatronic Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!

Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.

Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife

Animatronic Whalers: [Singing] We're whalers on the moon,

We carry a harpoon.

But there ain't no whales,

So we tell tall-tales,

And sing our whaling tune.

Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.

Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.

Fry: But, you are lazy right?

Sal: Oh, don't get me started!

Fry: Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. [puts one on Bender's head]

Bender: Get it off! Get it off! GET IT-uh, oh. [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you...

[Fry removes magnet]

Bender: Keep those things off me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit.

Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer?

Bender: Yep. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer...

Bender: You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first.

[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic" apartment]

Fry: I don't get it. What's the catch?

Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey.

[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]

Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.

Bender: [in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...

Fry: Bender, wake up!

Bender: Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.

Fry: Where's the bathroom?

Bender: The bath what?

Fry: Bathroom.

Bender: The what room?

Fry: Bathroom!

Bender: The what what?

Fry: Never mind.

[Bender goes back to sleep.]

Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?

Farnsworth: [Talking on the phone] Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.

Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person!

[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an appartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher]

Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.

Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.

Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Calculon: I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?

Monique: Oh, Calculon! Yes!

[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]

Monique: It fits! Then you must know I'm...

Calculon: Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.

[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]

Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!

Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!

Bender: I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.

Zapp Brannigan: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?

Unseen Man: You suck!

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!

Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?

Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.

Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.

Leela: No, just a regular mistake.

Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?

[Short pause]

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm asking you a question.

[Kif groans]

Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.

Zapp Brannigan: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.

Leela: Birds don't crawl.

Zapp Brannigan: They've been known to!

Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.

Zapp Brannigan: Go ahead. I won't stop you.

Leela: Threaten all you- Wait. What?

Zapp Brannigan: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!

Zapp Brannigan: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?

Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.

Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad...or two!

Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.

Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?

Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.

Leela: Animals?

Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.

Leela: Wait! What about the animals?

Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.

Leela: Yes, but what about the animals?

Farnsworth: The wha?

Leela: The animals.

Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.

Zapp Brannigan: Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif: The boy, Sir?

Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Robot #1: Administer the test.

Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?

Robot #1: Choose!

[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]

Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.

Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!

Robot #2: Correct!

Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.

Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes.

Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.

Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.

Fry: Really? Which one?

Bender: Only Robannukah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.

Leela: Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robomadon" and before that "Robonza".

Fry: Man, that one was a blast!

Bender: It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Farnsworth: He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory.

Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?

Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.

Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.

Fry: It wasn't bori- (cuts himself off) so they finally jazzed it up.

Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer!

[The robots in the crowd laugh]

Robot Mayor: A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender!

Fry: It's him! He's OK!

Bender: Death to humans!

[The robots in the crowd cheer]

Fry: Aww... It's good to hear his voice.

Fry: We're rescuing ya.

Bender: I don't want to be rescued.

Fry: Say what?

Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.

Bender: Now Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hitting machine.

Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. Wireless Joe Jackson was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.

Bender: Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was just a modified howitzer!

Leela: Yep.

[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]

Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.

Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.

Voice on TV: Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers

Fry: Oh, those were the days...

Voice on TV: Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.

Fry: I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.

Bender: I'm a thing...

Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.

Mom: Toodle-oo! [Under her breath.] Dumbass...

Fry: What a nice lady.

Prof. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.

Fry: Wha?

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.

Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...

Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?

Prof. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]

Fry: Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.

Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.

Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton?

Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.

Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...More...

Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.

Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!

[Bender is watching a cooking show called Essence of Elzar]

Fry: Hey, whatcha watching?

Leela: Is that a cooking show?

Bender: [turns off the TV] No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.

Leela: [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.

Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long.

Fry: It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.

Bender: [sotto voce] Pansy.

Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?

Fry: Uhh... 80,000 years?

Leela: No, one week!

Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.

Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?

Fry: That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!

Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.

Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.

Fry: It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.

Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything!

Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.

Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.

Fry: These things happen.

Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!

Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind.

Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.

Organ Salesman: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?

Fry: Can't imagine why I would.

Organ Salesman: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.

Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.

Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Hermes: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.

Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.

Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?

Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.

Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.

Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Prof. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.

Bender: Here it comes.

Prof. Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.

Bender: Thank you and goodnight.

Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?

Prof. Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!

Fry: [After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]

Leela: I don't get it.

Professor Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry: So what's it called now?

Professor Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

Bart Simpson-doll: Eat my shorts!

Bender: Okay! [Eats the doll's shorts.] Mmm, shorts.

Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.

Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.

Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?

Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.

Wernstrom: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.

Farnsworth: Uh... last year, you say?

Wernstrom: That's right.

Farnsworth: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?

Wernstrom: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.

[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]

Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!

Bender: Ooh, name it after me!

[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]

Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.

Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.

[In the movie.]

Female Scientist: Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?

Male Scientist: With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]

[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]

Leela: Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes.

[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]

Leela: Uh, 15 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] 5 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] "6h" minutes?

[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]:

Bender: There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down!

Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds!

Fry: [screams] AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right?

Bender: Right.

[Fry screams again]

[After escaping Robot Hell]

Bender: Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.

Leela: Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that?

Bender: I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?

Fry: [Chuckles] Good ol' Bender.

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?

Bender: [Nervous] No! Don't come in!

Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.

Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.

Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.

Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen...

[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]

Bender: Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke?

Robot Devil: [Singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em,

We'll find ways to simulate that smell.

What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a donnetela,

Here on Level One of Robot Hell.

Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phoney IOU's

Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified,

I'm pit boss here on Level Two.

Ooo, deep-fried robot!

Bender: Just tell me why...

Robot Devil: Check out this 55-page warrant.

Bender: There must be robots worse than I...

Robot Devil: We've checked it out; there really aren't!

Bender: Then please let me explain,

My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks...

Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!

Bender: Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! [Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]

Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,

Musicians need that income to survive

Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,

With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!

[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]

That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five!

Fry:[On the slide] I don't feel well...

Leela:[On the slide] It's up to us to rescue him.

Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell...

Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.

Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel...

Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared,

I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,

So just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide!

Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds,

Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines,

You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime,

You'll suffer till the end of time,

Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme,

Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!

Fry: Bender, are you alright?

Bender: No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing!

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.

[After delivering the subpoenas]

Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.

Leela: Did he use his tongue?

Fry: A little.

[at a Beastie Boys concert]

Leela: They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.

Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.

Hermes: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you!

Zoidberg: Me?

[Later]

Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.

Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!

Bender: In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... [later] ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.

Kif: Sir, can I speak with you?

Zapp Brannigan: No!

Kif: But, sir, it's an emergency.

Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.

[The ship shakes and rumbles]

Zapp Brannigan: [stands up] Oh, very well.

Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.

Fry: Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.

Bender: Me neither! Food was good, though.

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".

Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.

Bender: You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal!

Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?

Bender: All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.

Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.

Bender: [hugging Fry] I love you, buddy!

Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!

Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?

Zapp Brannigan: No.

Kif: Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.

Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.

Craps dealer: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs.

Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.

Prof. Farnsworth: Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.

[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]

Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.

Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?

Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.

Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.

Kif: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.

Fry: You're not jealous, are you?

Leela: No!

Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.

Fry: Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in her, if that's what's bothering you.

Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...?

Fry: I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.

Leela: Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here

Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view.

Leela: Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible [gasps]

[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]

Leela: Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.

Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?

Kif: This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.

Zapp Brannigan: That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]

Kif: But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.

Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?

Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.

Fry: You mean peer pressure?

Fry: This is awesome! I had no idea that Mars had a university

Professor Farnsworth: Well, back in those days, Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah.

[While searching the jungle for Guenter]

Fry: Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!

Professor Farnsworth: Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]

Guenter: All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!

Professor Farnsworth: NOOOOOO!

Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...

Bender: Now I can explain that!

Dean Vernon: [repeated line] Robot House!

Leela: So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?

Prof. Farnsworth: All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.

Leela: You went to college?

Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.

Fry: What was your minor?

Bender: Robo-American Studies.

Prof. Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.

Leela: In what field?

Prof. Farnsworth: I don't care; they all pay the same.

Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?

Prof. Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.

Fry:[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!

Prof. Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.

Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?

Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.

Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!

Zapp Brannigan: The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Zapp Brannigan: [having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!

Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mother ship.

Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?

[Kif checks the star chart]

Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.

[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]

Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!

Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.

Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!

[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it. Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]

Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.

Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?

Fry: That's the one.

Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!

Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.

Kif Kroker: Um...not me, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have too.

Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny-

Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.

Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.

Leela: Gimme the script

Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.

Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.

Amy: There. How do I look?

Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.

Amy: French?

Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.

Amy: There aren't any copies left.

Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.

Lrrr: Attention McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!

Fry: Way to overact, Zoidberg!

[Bender feels sick]

Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.

Bender: I'm 40% zinc!

Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.

Professor Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!

[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]

Bender:[gasps] That's no lady!

Trans-bot: Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why do have to be so stupid, Stupid?

Bender: Hey bite my shiny metal ass!

Trans-bot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [snaps fingers and walks away]

Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself!

Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.

Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!

Bender: What should we try it on first?

Fry: Try it on me [Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body] ow, my sperm!

Bender: I'll try it again [He does so]

Fry: Huh. Didn't hurt that time

Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty

Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?

Glurmo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.

Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.

Glurmo: There will be no further questions!

Fry: [Raises his hand] Why?

Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!

Fry: When will that be?

Glurmo: Soon enough.

Fry: That's not soon enough!

Grunka-Lunka song:

Grunka-Lunkas: Grunka-Lunka dunkety doo

We've got a friendly warning for you

Grunka-Lunka dunkety dasis

The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis

Asking questions in school is a great way to learn

If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke

We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm

It could easily happen again to you, folks

So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut

Grunka Lunka Lunka dunkety dutt!

Leela: What's behind that door? Is it the secret ingredient?

Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety dingredient

You should not ask about the secret ingredient!

Bender: [Angrily] Okay, okay, we get the point!

Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.

Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety darmed-guards...

Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP!


	27. Kingdom Smashed Plus

Jack Bauer: I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.

Pam: [answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial... Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure. This is Pam.

Michael: Pro-Am.

Pam: ...Pro-Am Race For The- They hung up.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Dwight: WHERE!?

Phyllis: WHEN!?

Michael: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.

Stanley: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Pam: Thank goodness you were there

Michael: [shaking his head nervously] Yeah...

Andy: Did you see who did it?

Dwight: No need. We can just check the security tapes

Michael: It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Jim: Who was driving?

Pam: oh Michael...

Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then

Michael: I ran down Meredith in my car.

Ryan: Did you do this on purpose?

Michael: No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in—

Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.

Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael: Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Angela: [after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?

Dwight: Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Michael: It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious but I'm a little stitious.

Michael: Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.

Kelly: That's Buddhists.

Michael: Are you sure?

Kelly: No.

Michael: Guess what. I have flaws. What are they?. Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me!.. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.

Michael: Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Creed: [to Ryan] Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Michael: Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.

Dwight: [to Angela] I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.

Michael: WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!

Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Michael: It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.

Angela: I can't do this. I can't do it.

Michael: Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?

Angela: Okay. Okay.

Michael: No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Stanley: Find anything?

Kevin: I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.

Oscar: Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?

Stanley: Can't you guys do it?

Oscar: 'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?

Pam: Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."

Jim: That's when I knew. You?

Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."

Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me.

Pam: Yep.

Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?

Pam: Nope.

Michael: Ryan just so you know, one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer asshole

Ryan: That`s Michael, Always with a joke

Pizza Boy: If anyone is listening, i`m being held here against my will, I`m a minor.

Michael: We'll ask Powerpoint.

Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.

Michael: You're a presentation tool!

Michael: Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.

Michael: I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!

Oscar: I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Michael: I didn't say it. I declared it.

Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on.

Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

Dwight: [sobs]

Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.

Jim: Oh, it has losers.

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?

Dwight: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

Karen: I'm taking Stanley.

Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael: Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Pam: [about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Michael: Ten years, you'll figure it out.

Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.

Michael: That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.

Jim: That's what who said?

Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.

Jim: That's what she said.

Michael: Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Jan: People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Jan's lawyer: How long have you known Ms. Levinson?

Michael: Six years and two months.

Jan's lawyer: And you were directly under her the whole time?

Michael: That's what she said.

Jan's lawyer: Excuse me?

Michael: [slowly] That's what she said.

Jan: I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?

Michael: I don't like that story, babe.

Jan: Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Michael: Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.

Jan: You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!

Michael: [laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Angela: ...You shouldn't say that.

Michael: When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!

Jan: I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.

Michael: I am sorry too.

Jan: But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!

Michael: Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?

Jan: I hate my life.

Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?

Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Pam: There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Michael: Friends joke with one another. Hey you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends do.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife: I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Pam: Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?

[Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]

Dwight: So what do we know about her?

Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.

Dwight: I hate her, too.

Michael: Why do you hate her?

Dwight: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.

Michael: You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Dwight: Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Michael: [learning he is not father of Jan's baby] You cheated on me...when I specifically asked you not to?

Holly: [thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!

Kevin: Hi.

Holly: What do you do?

Kevin: I do the numbers.

Holly: Oh, good for you!

Kevin: You want an M&M?

Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.

Kevin: I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.

Holly: Well, that is a very safe place for them.

Kevin: [smiling] Yeah.

Jim: [calling Ryan's voicemail] Hey Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you, lately. But you know what? I really don't care. Because you're trying to get rid of me, and I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back. But you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place. But guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [Hangs up]

Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?

Angela: ...Okay.

Andy: Into the mic, sweetie.

Angela: I said, okay.

Andy: She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Jim: [after pairing his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight.

Pam: [on phone] Is this Dwight?

Jim: Yes, it is.

Pam: Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.

Jim: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.

Dwight: Woah! Woah! Woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim!

Pam: Dwight?

Dwight: No! [waving] I'm over here!

Pam: I'm confused.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Did I ever tell you I won the lottery? I had like a hundred and fifty million dollars. Worst thing that ever happened to me.

Bernard Nadler: Oh yeah, who needs a hundred and fifty million dollars, right?

[Jack and Danielle are tracking Naomi with Ben]

Danielle Rousseau: The blood trail ends here.

Jack Shephard: What do you mean?

Danielle Rousseau: It ends.

Jack Shephard: You're telling me she stopped bleeding here?

Danielle Rousseau: No. I'm telling you that she fooled us. Doubled back.

Ben Linus: Better call the boat. Tell em she's getting a real big bundle of firewood.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I may be in a mental hospital, but I know you're dead and I'm not having an imaginary conversation with you.

Charlie Pace: I am dead. But I'm also here.

John Locke: I'm going to the Barracks. The Others abandoned them. Its the only place on the Island with any form of security right now, it'll have to do until I can think of something else. Until then, if you wanna live, you need to come with me.

Jack Shephard: No one's going anywhere with you, John. Because they're not crazy.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: He's not crazy. What about Charlie? Charlie went down to that place so we could all be rescued. And whatever he did down there, it worked. But then something must have happened. He must have heard something before he...I don't know why, but he changed his mind. Because the last thing he did was to warn us that the people on that boat are not who they said they were. So I'm not listening to you. I'm listening to my friend. I'm listening to Charlie.

Kate Austen: What are you doing?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Same thing I've always done, Kate: surviving.

Daniel Faraday: [to Jack] Er, okay, see, erm, rescuing you and your people. Can't really say it's our primary objective.

Ben Linus: James. Look at yourself. Yes, on this Island you're brave, daring, handsome, you're someone, but if you left with them, back in the real-world a low-life scam artist like you could never compete with a first class surgeon. I think Kate was really upset when you made your choice to come with us. Thank god she has Jack there to comfort-

[Sawyer attacks Ben]

John Locke: James! Don't!

James "Sawyer" Ford: Don't what!? Anyone wanna tell me why we're keeping this guy alive?

John Locke: We're keeping him alive because he's been on this Island a lot longer than any of us. Because he has information we need. And because apart from his mouth, he's completely harmless.

James "Sawyer" Ford: His mouth put that hole in your gut?

John Locke: Okay, James. Let's execute him, right here, right now, in front of his daughter.

James "Sawyer" Ford: It's only a matter of time before he gets us, Johnny. And I bet he's already figured out how he's gonna do it.

Jack Shephard: Put the guns down.

Miles Straume: Now why would I do that?

Jack Shephard: Because our friends are out in the jungle right now holding a gun at your head, and his head. So I'm gonna forget about the misunderstanding. Just put the guns down.

Miles Straume: Come on, how stupid do you think I-

[gunshots are heard and Miles and Daniel duck. Sayid and Juliet emerge and Kate takes Daniel's gun]

Jack Shephard: I dunno, Miles. How stupid are ya?

Sayid Jarrah: What are your names?

Daniel Faraday: Er, I'm Daniel Faraday, and this is Miles...

Miles Straume: Don't tell him my last name.

Daniel Faraday: I guess it's just Miles.

Sayid Jarrah: What do you do for a living, Daniel?

Daniel Faraday: I'm a physicist. Well, I guess you could call me a physicist, I don't really like being pigeon-holed into one...

Miles Straume: Dan, I swear to God, you say one more word, I'm gonna break your fingers.

Sayid Jarrah: And what do you do, Miles?

Miles Straume: [sarcastically] I collect soil samples.

Sayid Jarrah: Oh, that's nice. Well, maybe you can help me. You say you're not here on a rescue mission, and the world at large believes us to be dead. But here we are alive and well, and you don't seem remotely surprised to see us.

Miles Straume: [sarcastically] Oh my God, you guys were on Oceanic Flight 815! Wow! [normally] That better?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Who are we to argue with taller ghost Walt?

Sayid Jarrah: [to Jack about Locke] The last time you encountered him, you put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. That's not good diplomacy.

Kate Austen: Kinda sucks, huh?

Jack Shephard: What's that?

Kate Austen: Being told not to come along. (Jack chuckles) Now you know what it feels like to be me.

Jack Shephard: Does that mean I should wait twenty minutes and go anyway?

Kate Austen: Touché.

Jack Shephard: What's his story?

Frank Lapidus: Daniel?

Jack Shephard: Yeah.

Frank Lapidus: Couldn't tell ya. Half the stuff he says goes way over my head; the other half goes way, way over.

Miles Straume: Where the hell did they go, Tubby?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Oh, awesome. The ship sent us another Sawyer.

Sayid Jarrah: [about Ben, his future employer] Forgive me, but the day I start trusting him is the day I would have sold my soul.

Ben Linus: [to Locke] I feel for you, John. I really do. You keep hitting dead ends. You couldn't find the cabin, you can't make contact with Jacob — you're so desperate to figure out what to do next, you're even asking me for help. So here we are, just like old times. Except I'm locked in a different room, and you're more lost than you ever were.

John Locke: You may think this is a democracy, Kate, because of the way Jack ran things, but this is not a democracy.

Kate Austen: Then I guess that makes it a dictatorship.

John Locke: If I was a dictator, I would just shoot you, and go about my day. Dinner's at six if you're hungry.

Ben Linus: You've arranged this meeting so you could blackmail me?

Miles Straume: It's extortion if you want to get technical.

John Locke: [Locke has just put a live grenade in Miles' mouth] I realize that when I tied you up in here the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself. My name is John Locke, and I'm responsible for the well-being of this island. Eventually, Miles, you're going to tell me who you are, you're going to tell me about the people on the boat, and you're going to tell me why you're so interested in Ben. In the meantime, however, you're going to keep your mouth shut. I learned something yesterday. No use in having rules if there's no punishment for breaking them. You'll be fine if you bite down on the trigger. Enjoy your breakfast.

Daniel Faraday: Why would I put you through the headache of time travel, you know? You know what I mean, it just seems a little... unnecessary.

Daniel Faraday: I think Eloise's brain short-circuited. The jumps between the present and the future eventually, she eventually, she couldn't tell which was which. She had no anchor.

Desmond Hume: What do you mean, "anchor"?

Daniel Faraday: Something familiar in both times. All this, see all this is all variables. It's random; it's chaotic. Every equation needs stability, something known. It's called a "constant." Desmond, you have no constant. When you go to the future nothing there is familiar. So if you want to stop this, then you need to find something there, something that you really, really care about, something that also exists back here in 1996.

Desmond Hume: This constant, can it be a person?

Daniel Faraday: Yeah, maybe. But you have to make contact. Didn't you say you were out on a boat in the middle of nowhere? [Desmond picks up a phone and begins dialing] Uh, who are you calling?

Desmond Hume: Calling my bloody constant.

George Minkowski: Two days ago, someone sabotaged all the equipment. We lost all communication with the mainland. I probably could have fixed it, but then...then I went nuts.

George Minkowski: I...can't...get...back!

[on the phone]

Desmond Hume: I love you, Penny. I've always loved you. I'm so sorry. I love you.

Penelope Widmore: I love you too.

Desmond Hume: I don't know where I am but,

Penelope Widmore: I'll find you, Des,

Desmond Hume: I promise,

Penelope Widmore: no matter what-

Desmond Hume: I'll come back to you.

Penelope Widmore: I won't give up.

Desmond Hume: I promise.

Penelope Widmore: I promise.

Both: I love you.

Juliet Burke: [to Jack] It's very stressful being an Other, Jack.

Ben Linus: Rabbit today?

John Locke: We're running out of chickens.

Ben Linus: [poking at his food suspiciously] This didn't have a number on it, did it?

Ben Linus: I always have a plan.

Ben Linus: [to Locke] John, three months ago in Gainesville, Florida, the Virgin Mary seemed to appear in a patch of mold on the side of an old housing complex. When the word got out, over 5,000 people came to see her face for themselves. You've survived an airline crash on this island. One minute, you're in a wheelchair. The next minute, you're doing jumping jacks. If 5,000 people came out to see a piece of mold, how many people do you think would come here to see you? Charles Widmore wants to exploit this island, and he'll do everything in his power to possess it.

[Ben has shown Juliet Goodwin's body]

Juliet Burke: Why are you showing me this? Why did you bring me out here?

Ben Linus: What, you mean instead of his wife?

Juliet Burke: You knew this would happen. You sent him out here because you knew this would happen. You wanted this! You wanted him to die! Why?

Ben Linus: "Why"? You're asking me "why"? After everything I did to get you here, after everything I've done to keep you here, how can you possibly not understand... that you're mine! [beat, changes tone] Take as much time as you need.

[Bernard is fishing with Jin]

Bernard Nadler: You realize we're the only two married guys on the island? Married?

Jin Soo-Kwon: Married.

Bernard Nadler: Yeah, well, no, not to each other. No. You got it. It's not easy, is it? Oh, I mean, it's-it's wonderful, but... let's face it, every decision that you make takes twice as long. 'Cause you always gotta talk them into it. [beat[ Rose... has cancer. She's sick. Dying. Well, at least, she 'was' dying. She says she's better now. She says it's this place... the island. But when the camp split up, I was sure that she'd want to go with Locke. Why would she want to leave the island, and risk getting sick again?

Jin Soo-Kwon: Then why do you stay with Jack?

Bernard Nadler: Because it was the right thing to do. Locke... he's a murderer. See, it's all about karma, Jin. Do you know karma? You make bad choices, bad things happen to you. But you make good choices, and then good—

[A fish takes the bait on Jin's rod]

Bernard Nadler: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! You got one! Yeah. Here, pull it in.

[Jin pulls the fish in]

Bernard Nadler: Wow, look at that! You see? Now, that's karma. We must be the good guys, huh?

Gault: [to Desmond and Sayid] This black box comes from Oceanic Flight 815. A salvage vessel recovered it from the bottom of the ocean. It took a considerable amount of Mr. Widmore's resources to procure it. It was found with the wreckage of the plane, along with all 324 dead passengers. That's not the complete story, as you are well aware, Mr. Jarrah, given the fact that you're standing here, breathing... the wreckage was obviously staged. Now can you imagine what kind of resources and manpower go into pulling off a feat of that magnitude? Faking the recovery of a plane crash? Putting 324 families through a grieving process based on a lie? But what's even more disturbing... where exactly does one come across 324 dead bodies? And that, Mr. Jarrah, Mr. Hume, is just one of the many reasons we want Benjamin Linus.

John Locke: Miles offered his loyalty in exchange for the money. But as I haven't seen a bank on the island, I didn't think it worth mentioning.

[Miles chuckles]

James "Sawyer" Ford: Somethin' funny?

Miles Straume: Linus will find a way to get it.

James "Sawyer" Ford: And how will he do that?

Miles Straume: He wants to survive. And considering a week ago you had a gun to his head, and tonight he's eating pound cake... I'd say he's a guy who gets what he wants.

Mrs. Dawson: [to Michael] I thought you were dead! They said your plane crashed in the middle of the ocean, but you show up here fine and dandy, only I can't tell anybody about you or Walt, can't call you by your real names. He barely talks to me, but he does wake up screaming in the middle of the night, and I'm the one that's got to tell him it's gonna be okay. So until you can explain to me where you were for over two months and what happened... you gave up your rights.

Tom Friendly: [to Michael] Manhattan, huh? We let you leave one island, you just go to another one.

Michael Dawson: Why would I help the son of a bitch who kidnapped my son?

Tom Friendly: We gave him back to you in one piece, Mike, you're the one who lost him.

Tom Friendly: [to Michael] How was your trip? I figure flying can't be too much fun for you.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: We're all gonna die.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Calm down, Chicken Little. Sky ain't falling just yet.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: This is exactly what he wants. To fight amongst ourselves. You're making a big mistake, dude.

John Locke: It's his to make, Hugo. Let's get on with it.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Right. [pauses] I'm attacking Siberia.

[The camera zooms out revealing that they are playing Risk. Sawyer and Hurley roll the dice, and Sawyer wins.] Sorry.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Can't believe you're just giving him Australia. Australia's the key to the whole game.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Says you.

Bedouin: Surrender! Surrender!

Ben Linus: Oh, so you do speak English.

Martin Keamy: Mr. Linus, these are my terms. You're gonna step out the front door, put your hands above your head, and you're gonna walk straight to me. Once I have you in my custody, I promise that no one else in that house will be harmed.

Ben Linus: You and I both know that once you have me there's nothing to stop you from killing everybody else on this island.

Martin Keamy: What kind of guy do you think I am?

Ben Linus: Martin Christopher Keamy, former First Sergeant, United States Marine Corps. Served with distinction from 1996 to 2001, but since then you've worked with a number of mercenary organizations, specifically in Uganda. So I know exactly what kind of man you are, Mr. Keamy, and we can dispense with the formalities.

Martin Keamy: [beat] Okay, Ben. You got it.

Ben Linus: Alex... I have this under control. Everything's gonna be okay.

Alex Rousseau: Please, daddy! Just please, please...

Martin Keamy: You have 10 seconds, Ben.

Ben Linus: Okay, listen.

Martin Keamy: Nine...

Ben Linus: She's not my daughter.

Martin Keamy: Eight...

Ben Linus: I stole her as a baby from an insane woman. She's a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me. I'm not coming out of this house. So if you want to kill her, go ahead and do it—

[Keamy shoots Alex, leaving Ben in stunned silence]

[Ben has just broken into Charles Widmore's penthouse]

Charles Widmore: Why are you here?

Ben Linus: I'm here, Charles, because you murdered my daughter.

Charles Widmore: Don't stand there looking at me with those horrible eyes of yours, and lay the blame for the death of that poor girl on me, when we both know very well I didn't murder her at all, Benjamin. You did.

Ben Linus: No, that's not true.

Charles Widmore: Yes, Benjamin, it is. You creep into my bedroom in the dead of night, like a rat, and have the audacity to pretend that you're the victim? I know who you are, boy, what you are. I know that everything you have you took from me. [beat] So. Once again I ask you, why are you here?

Ben Linus: I'm here, Charles, to tell you that I'm going to kill your daughter. Penelope, is it? And once she's gone, once she's dead, then you'll understand how I feel, and you'll wish you hadn't changed the rules.

Charles Widmore: You'll never find her.

[Ben turns around and begins to walk away]

Charles Widmore: That island's mine, Benjamin. It always was. It will be again.

Ben Linus: [Turns around] But you'll never find it.

Charles Widmore: Then I suppose the hunt is on for both of us.

Ben Linus: I suppose it is. Sleep tight, Charles.

Jack Shephard: [reading to Aaron] "Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she kept fanning herself all the time she went on talking: Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? But if I'm not the same, the next question is, 'Who in the world am I?' Aha, that's the great puzzle."

Bernard Nadler: [to Jack] Wouldn't you rather be dreaming about something nice back home?

Juliet Burke: I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Kate Austen: Don't worry about it. You had enough going on.

Juliet Burke: You know, he kissed me.

Kate Austen: What?

Juliet Burke: The other day, when you came back from the other side of the Island, Jack kissed me.

Kate Austen: Oh.

Juliet Burke: It was nice... but it wasn't for me. It was for him. I'm pretty sure he was trying to prove something.

Kate Austen: Prove what?

Juliet Burke: That he doesn't love someone else.

Kate Austen: Thank you, Juliet. Thank you for saving his life.

Jack Shephard: [to Kate] I'm the one who came back. I'm the one who's here. I'm the one who saved you.

Ray: What did this to him?

Martin Keamy: A black pillar of smoke threw him 50 feet in the air... ripped his guts out.

Horace Goodspeed: I'm not making any sense, am I?

John Locke: No.

Horace Goodspeed: That's probably because I've been dead for 12 years.

John Locke: You ever wonder what happened to the Dharma Initiative, Hugo? There must have been at least a hundred of 'em living on this island. Manning the stations, building those homes, making all that ranch dressing that you like. And then, one day, they're all gone, they just disappear. You wanna know where we're going? [Walks over to the pit that contains the bodies of the Dharma Initiative] We're going to see them.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: What happened to them?

John Locke: [jerks his head at Ben] He did.

Gellert: I'm gonna tell you something-something I wish someone had told me at your age. You might not want to be that guy in the labs surrounded by test tubes and beakers, but that's who you are, John. You can't be the prom king. You can't be the quarterback. You can't be a superhero.

John Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do.

[Locke, Ben, and Hurley are looking for Jacob's cabin]

John Locke: It should be about two hundred yards this way.

Ben Linus: You sure it's gonna be there, John?

John Locke: I'm sorry?

Ben Linus: The cabin. What if its moved, again?

John Locke: It hasn't moved, because I was told this is where it would be.

Ben Linus: I was told a lot of things too. That I was chosen, that I was special. I end up with a tumor on my spine and my daughter's blood all over my hands.

John Locke: I'm sorry those things happened to you, Ben.

Ben Linus: [bitterly] Those things had to happen to me. That was my destiny. But you'll understand soon enough that there are consequences to being chosen. Because destiny, John, is a fickle bitch.

Jack Shephard: We all know the story. If we get any questions that we don't wanna answer, or that we can't answer, let's just keep our mouths shut. It's okay. They'll-they'll think that we're in shock.

Sun Hwa-Kwon: We are in shock, Jack.

Jack Shephard: Well... then this should be easy.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [following Jack] Hold up! You don't get to die alone.

Ben Linus: [to Hurley, who's eating boxed crackers] You know, those are 15 years old.

Sun Hwa-Kwon: Is something wrong?

Woo-Jung Paik: Just some complications with the company. Nothing you'd understand. How is the pregnancy?

Sun Hwa-Kwon: Don't pretend to be interested in my baby. We both know you hated my husband.

Woo-Jung Paik: What did you say?

Sun Hwa-Kwon: You heard me. You hated Jin.

Woo-Jung Paik: Who do you think you are? I am your father. You will respect me!

Sun Hwa-Kwon: Oceanic paid us our settlement for the crash. It was very significant. This morning, I bought a controlling interest in your company. So you will now respect me.

Woo-Jung Paik: Why... would you do this?

Sun Hwa-Kwon: You ruined my husband's life. It is because of you we were on that plane. Two people are responsible for his death. You are one of them. I am going to have my baby. And then we shall discuss the plans for the future of the company. Our company.

John Locke: Okay, I'm sorry, Ben, but maybe I missed the part where you explained what I'm supposed to do about the armed men inside.

Ben Linus: I'm gonna take care of them.

John Locke: And how the hell are you gonna do that?

Ben Linus: How many times do I have to tell you, John? I always have a plan.

Kate Austen: "We have to go back"? "We have to go back"?

Jack Shephard: Now hold on—

Kate Austen: Who do you think you are?! You call me over and over again for two days straight, stoned on your pills! And then you show up here with an obituary for Jeremy Bentham. When he came to me and I heard what he had to say, I knew he was crazy. But you...you believed him.

Jack Shephard: Yes.

Kate Austen: Him, of all people.

Jack Shephard: Yes, Kate, I did, because he said that that was the only way that I could keep you safe — you and Aaron.

[Kate slaps him]

Kate Austen: Don't you say his name. I still have to explain to him why you are not there to read to him, so don't you say his name!

Jack Shephard: I'm sorry.

Kate Austen: I've spent the last three years trying to forget all the horrible things that happened on the day that we left. How dare you ask me to go back?

Martin Keamy: So tell me something, Ben. What is it that makes you so important, hmm? I'm curious. I'm curious as to why Mr. Widmore would pay me so much money just to come out here and capture you and bring you back alive.

Ben Linus: Charles Widmore tell you to kill my daughter?

John Locke: You're gonna have to lie.

Jack Shephard: Excuse me?

John Locke: If you have to go, then you have to lie about everything...everything that happened since we got to the island it's the only way to protect it.

Jack Shephard: It's an island, John. No one needs to protect it.

John Locke: It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen. And-and-if you-if you don't believe that, Jack, if you can't believe that, just wait till you see what I'm about to do.

John Locke: [to Jack] Lie to them, Jack. If you do it half as well as you lie to yourself, they'll believe you.

Martin Keamy: I know you're down here, Ben. Crouching in the dark, just waiting to take a shot at me.

Pierre Chang: [as Dr. Edgar Halliwax, on video] This... is "the vault"...

Martin Keamy: Well, you better aim for the head, Ben! Not like your boyfriend who shot me in the back like a coward!

Pierre Chang: ...to avoid leaving inorganic materials inside...

Martin Keamy: This body armor's, um, been known to take a bullet or two in its time. But before you take your shot, Ben, let me tell you about this. [revealing a device strapped to his arm] See that? I took out a bit of a-a life insurance policy, Ben. It's a heart rate monitor, and it's connected to a radio transmitter. W-we call it a "dead man's trigger", Ben. If my heart stops beating...it sends a little signal to the 500 pounds of C-4 that I've got hardwired out there on the freighter that'd kill a lot of innocent people, Ben. If you think I'm bluffing, need I remind you of, uh... how your daughter looked as she bled out? Face-down in the grass?

[Keamy hears a noise and whirls around to face Locke]

Martin Keamy: Who the hell are you?

John Locke: My name is John Locke, and I have no... conflict with you. And neither do the people on that boat. So... why don't you put your knife down? We can talk about this.

Martin Keamy: Well, John Locke... I've never really been one for talk.

[Ben attacks Keamy from behind, knocking him to the ground with a baton and stabbing him multiple times in the neck]

Ben Linus: You killed my daughter. You killed my daughter!

John Locke: Ben! Ben! Ben, stop! No, no! Stop!

[Locke pulls Ben off Keamy]

John Locke: Ben, what did you do?

[Keamy's device starts beeping]

John Locke: You just killed everybody on that boat.

Ben Linus: [beat] So?

Martin Keamy: [dying] Wherever you go... Widmore... he'll find you.

Ben Linus: Not if I find him first.

Ben Linus: [to Locke] Good-bye, John. I'm sorry I made your life so miserable.

Ben Linus: [turning the donkey wheel] I hope you're happy now, Jacob.

Jack Shephard: We're gonna have to lie.

Sayid Jarrah: Lie about what?

Jack Shephard: Everything, all of it, every moment since we crashed on the island.

Frank Lapidus: Jack... now I know I'm new to this group and everything, but isn't this the place where everybody starts jumping up and down and hugging each other?

Jack Shephard: Your freighter... those men came to the island to kill us, all of us. You said that our plane was discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Well, someone put it there-someone who wants everyone to think that we're dead. So what do you think's gonna happen to us when we tell them that that wasn't our plane? What do you think's gonna happen to the people that we left behind?

Kate Austen: Jack, we can't. We can't pull it off.

Jack Shephard: Just let me do the talking.

Ben Linus: [to Jack] Yes, I heard that you've been flying on passenger planes... hoping that you'd crash. It's dark, Jack, very dark.

(Claire opens the door to her room and finds Sylar standing there)

Sylar: Hello, Claire.

(Claire stares at Sylar in fear)

Sylar: I bet you're wondering where I've been since you saw me last, huh?

(Claire backs up)

Sylar: Let's just say I took a little...detour from my career path. Spent a little time south of the border. But...that's all behind me now like a long night after a bad taco.

Claire: (in disbelief) No. I saw Hiro Nakamura kill you. I was there.

Sylar: And yet, here I am. Fully recovered. Well...not fully. That's actually why I've come.

Claire: What do you want from me?

Sylar: The same thing I did last time I came for you. I want what you have, Claire. I want your power.

Claire: Are you going to eat it?

Sylar: (leans in, whispering,) Eat your brain? Claire, that's disgusting.

Claire: Wait! What about me? Aren't you going to kill me?

Sylar: Poor girl. There's so much about yourself you don't even understand. Your brain is not like the others, Claire. You are not like the others. You're different. You're special. I couldn't kill you even if I wanted to. You can never die. And now, I guess...neither can I.

T.V. Reporter: Mr. Petrelli, earlier today you were about to make a statement, you had a message to deliver, are you ready to do that now?

Nathan: God is the only one with a message it's a message of hope and urgency cause he's not going to wait much longer. His message is a simple one: we are all connected. Our hopes, our dreams, our children's future reflect back in each others' eyes. We fight our own personal battles, but we know we're not alone because only together can we make our short time on this planet mean something. Only together can we be the stewards of our own destiny. And we hold in our collective hearts one noble goal; save ourselves, save the world.

[Daphne suddenly moves even after Hiro freezes time]

Daphne: How are you doing this? Are you a speedster too?

Hiro: Speedster? No, I'm Hiro Nakamura. I stop time.

Daphne: I got news. You don't stop it completely, or we're not having this conversation.

Hiro: So you move fast?

Daphne: Not fast. I move really fast.

Hiro: Well, you stole something from me.

Daphne: You mean this? [shows stolen formula]

Hiro: Give it-

Daphne: This whole time-stopping thing, how does it work exactly? I mean, if you chase me to Bangkok, will time stay frozen here in Tokyo?

Hiro: I don't know.

Daphne: Well...Something to think about when you get back on your feet.

Hiro: But I am on my feet.

Daphne: [Daphne punches Hiro, unfreezing time] Gotta go.

Angela: You don't screw with time.

Matt: Your cell. I gotta use your cell, I gotta call home.

Usutu: No service here. Should have gone with Sprint.

Sylar: (Noah shoots him six times. Sylar lies beside the wall, while the bullets all get ejected from his body.) Ouch. I got that from your Claire

Noah: You son of a bitch!

Sylar: You are not my mother

Angela: But I am dear. I am.

Noah: They're villains, Claire.

Future Peter: Where is he?! Where'd they go?

Angela: Escaped.

Future Peter: No. That's not possible. That never happened.

Angela: It's the butterfly effect, Peter. Just like I told you.

Future Peter: I put him here to keep him safe. I put him in the body of the guy in THAT CELL. RIGHT THERE!

Angela: Jesse? You're gonna figure out where my son is and you are gonna bring him back here. You understand me?

[ Future Peter walks off]

Angela: AND GO THE HELL BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!

Sylar:[After impersonating an FBI agent and ordering some local cops around, including an order for decaf coffee] You drink decaf, right Noah?

Hiro: What are you doing?

Ando: I'm being awesome!

Hiro: Nemesis!

Daphne: Stop calling me that. My name is Daphne.

Daphne: There's supposed to be some sort of exchange going down at this theater and I'm waiting to intercept

Hiro: You're telling us your plan? What kind of overconfident nemesis are you?

Daphne: You're 0 for 2 against me, 's just regular confidence.

Hiro: Pikachu? We will find the other half of the formula before you and we will save the world.

Daphne: Yeah. Good luck with that.

Tracy: You called me Niki Sanders yesterday. Then...a reporter shows me this. [Shows video of Jessica and Nathan] Last year at the Corinthian hotel in Las Vegas. Just tell me who the hell she is.

Nathan: I still kinda think that's you. I'm just waiting for this all to make sense.

Tracy: It's not me. Look, I'm trying to find her. Talk to her. All I can get is an address in New Orleans. Tell me what you know about her.

Nathan: You're really not Niki Sanders?

Tracy: I need to go to New Orleans.

Daphne: Domo arigato. That's all the Japanese I know.

Meredith: All right, we'll start at the beginning. Survival.

Claire: I've already mastered survival. I need to learn how to fight.

Meredith: There are some things you can't fight, Claire. [manifests her power and begins heating up the metal box]

[Meredith is using her power to use up all the oxygen in the metal box that she and Claire are in]

Claire: What's this supposed to prove? I've walked through fire before and I haven't gotten burned.

Meredith: You've never been burned?

Claire: I'm indestructible. I can't feel pain.

Meredith: You ever suffocate? 'Cause I would imagine the air is getting pretty thin in here.

Claire: Why are you doing this?

Meredith: Why do you wanna stop bad guys?

Claire: I told you. To help people.

Meredith: That's what you keep saying. But I don't believe you. Do you know what waterboarding is, Claire?

Claire: No.

Meredith: It's a method of torture. You're not drowning but your body tells your mind that you are. You think you're gonna die. Trapped, you panic. Trapped. Does that remind you of anything?

Claire: Stop it! Turn it off!

Meredith: Is this how it was with Sylar, huh? You're indestructible but you couldn't get away, right? Well, that must have made you feel trapped. Helpless.

Claire: Please stop! I can't-

Meredith: Why do you wanna stop bad guys?

Claire: To help people!

Meredith: I don't believe you. You tell me why!

Claire: To hurt him, okay! To hurt him for what he did! Like he hurt me!

Tracy: Do you know me?

Dr. Zimmerman: Know you? I created you.

Sandra: School just called. Claire didn't show up today. You know anything about that?

Meredith: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought that since-

Sandra: You don't get to do that - think about Claire. That's me. Not you. I'm the one who's been here. Changed her diapers, checked her spelling. Me, not you.

Meredith: Sandra, I'm not trying to-

Sandra: Do you think this is a game? She just got attacked. Hurt.

Meredith: Yeah, that's right and she's looking to push back. And there's nothing you can do stop that. In fact, smothering her, that's the best way to drive her away real quick.

Sandra: Don't you ever assume to know anything about me and my daughter.

Meredith: I just did what I thought was best to keep her here. Safe.

Future Peter: I've stepped one too many butterflies.

(Hiro and Ando have just dug Adam Monroe out of his grave)

Adam: (grabs Hiro's neck) Hiro, you son of a bi- (episode ends)

Future Claire: 200,000 people died in Costa Verde. I want you to feel the pain of every...single death.

(She cuts Peter's chest with the scalpel. He groans in pain):

Future Claire: That's one.

Hiro: We are searching for a formula that...

Adam: A formula? I knew it'd come back to bite them in the ass one day. Even I told them to destroy it.

Ando: So you know who would steal it?

Adam: Maybe... If I tell you, what's in it for me?

Hiro: When we have finished our mission, I promise to put you in a most spacious cell.

Ando: With a window!

Hiro: And a vent.

Adam: Forget it.

Hiro: Okay, back you go (Squeezes eyes to bend time)

Adam: Wait! (frustrated) You little Japanese Nazi! Let me think! Let's see, off the top of my head, I'd say your villain is Angela Petrelli.

Hiro: She's the one who asked us to find the formula.

Adam: I see. Well then, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Nathan: If God didn't give us these powers, then who did?

Tracy: A doctor in Reseda, California.

Peter: I know exactly what I am doing. What other secrets are you hiding from me mother? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS! Or I'll rip open your head and I'll take them out myself.

Hiro: We are badasses now.

Ando: Yes, we are very badass.

Sandra: Claire! Thank God. I was so worried. Are you okay? Because if you are, you are so grounded!

Stephen Canfield: I won't be a monster!

Hiro: Now you know what it's like to be killed by your best friend.

Ando: Okay, now we're even.

Matt: High five, turtle

Peter:[To Sylar]You're too weak to stop me. [He punches him and Sylar falls to the floor.] I know how it feels now. [He lands another blow.] And with all this power- [Another punch. He bends down and pulls Sylar's face close to his so their noses touch.] -I'm the most special! [He knocks Sylar out.]

Arthur: The bad guys are here.

Arthur: You don't have your abilities anymore, Peter...because I have them now.

Lyle: The bitch is back. (reference to Veronica Mars finale.)

Peter: I'm gonna make you pay for everything you've ever done!

Arthur: Son... until you change that attitude... you're grounded!

Mohinder: What could possibly drive a father to put his children through such grief?

Arthur: Have you ever met their mother?

Linderman: So, Nathan, are the rumors true?

Nathan: Excuse me?

Linderman: I heard your office is about to launch a full-scale investigation into all things Linderman. Care to comment?

Nathan: I'd shave my wrists. Handcuffs chafe.

Meredith: They're trickin' you because you're dumb! You know what Daddy used to say; "God gave you a big sister instead of a brain".

Arthur: You're my wife, Angela. I know you like I know my own heart.

Angela: Really? So what am I gonna do now? Am I gonna kiss you, or am I gonna kill you?

Mohinder: A child is born to innocence. A child is drawn towards good. Why then do so many among us go so horribly wrong? What makes some walk the path of darkness while others choose the light? Is it will, is it destiny? Can we ever hope to understand the force that shapes the soul? To fight evil, one must know evil. One must journey back through time and find that fork in the road, where heroes turn one way and villains turn another.

Arthur: It's Coming

Sylar: Empathy? What makes you think I'm capable of that?

Mohinder: There is a moment in every war where everything changes. A moment when the road bends. Alliances and battle lines shift. And the rules of engagement are rewritten. Moments like these can change the nature of the battle, and turn the tide for either side. So we do what we can to understand them. To be ready for change, we steady our hearts, curb our fears, muster our forces, and look for signs in the stars. But these moments, these game changers, remain a mystery. Destiny's invisible hand, moving pieces on a chessboard. No matter how much we prepare for them - how much we resist the change, anticipate the moment, fight the inevitable outcome - in the end, we are never truly ready when it strikes.

Elle: We can't take what we want anymore.

Sylar: [Stares at Elle hungrily.] Says who?

[The pair dramatically kiss as the camera pans out to reveal a sniper.]

Noah: That's right, run! I want you to be scared! Just like Claire was!

Sylar: [Whilst attacking Sue Landers; he is about to slice her head open.] Don't worry. It won't hurt a bit. [Sue uses her ability to see he is lying. He shrugs.] Got me. That's a lie.

[He kills Sue and leans over her on the floor.]

Sylar:I almost forgot how good this feels...

[Sue's friends burst into her office with balloons and gifts.]

Friends: Happy Birthday!

[They see Sylar kneeling on the floor by Sue's corpse, covered in blood. He turns to them.]

Sylar: Cake!

[We later see Sylar enter an elevator. He is covered in blood; his arms, his shirt are both soaked. The office worker looks at him with bulging eyes, and Sylar turns to him.]

Sylar: Something wrong?

Worker: ...No. No. Not at all. [He shifts away slowly. Sylar nods.]

Sylar: Huh. It does kind of tingle.

[Peter has a gun levelled at Arthur, and The Haitian is struggling to hold his power back while he waits for Peter to kill him.]

Arthur: That's your problem son. Too much thinking not enough action. How could you be my son-

[Arthur uses telekinesis to slash a cut in Peter's cheek; Peter fires; the bullet is left hovering in mid-air. They all turn to see Sylar enter the room.]

Claire: I cant believe you didnt tell me!

Angela: Sorry Claire I've always found it easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission

Sylar: [opening voiceover]] On the sixth day, God created Man in His own image, now it's up to us to figure it all out. Right...wrong...good...evil...in each of us is the capacity to decide what drives our actions. So what is it, then, that makes some choose selflessness, the need to devote oneself to something greater, while others know only self-interest? Isolating themselves in a world of their own making? Some seek love, even if only unrequited, while others are driven by fear and betrayal. There are those who see their choices as dark proof of God's absence while others follow a path of noble destiny. But in the end, good, evil, right or wrong...what we choose is never what we really need. For that is the ultimate cosmic joke, the real gift that God has left behind.

Flint: I don't give a rat's ass about your brother. Or you.

Mohinder Suresh: [ending voiceover] There is good, and there is evil. Right, and wrong. Heroes and villains. And if we are blessed with wisdom, then there are glimpses between the cracks of each where light streams through. We wait in silence for these times, when sense can be made. When meaningless existence comes into focus, and our purpose presents itself. And if we have the strength to be honest, and what we find there, staring back at us, is our own reflection. Bearing witness to the duality of life. And each one of us is capable of both the dark, and the light.. the good and evil, of either, of all. And destiny, while marching ever in our direction can be rerouted by the choices we make. By the love we hold on to, and the promises we keep.

(Sylar is holding Claire up against a wall)

Claire: Where's Angela?

Sylar: Well, you wouldn't pick before so, I had to up the stakes. Save Daddy. Or is it Granny?

Claire: Let me go!

Sylar: Why are you even pretending? We both know you're going after your dad. Even after all the lies he's told you. How he's neglected you. What does that say about you, Claire?

(Claire stares at Sylar)

Sylar: That's the thing about the truth, Claire. It stings like a bitch.

Peter: What advice could I give you besides 'kiss my ass,' Nathan?

Claire: I hate you.

Nathan: I know.

Rebel: There is hope. You can still fight back.

Sylar: If that is a coincidence, God is improving His sense of humor.

Sylar: Okay, technically, I'm a serial killer.

Noah: [to Angela] You know me. I've always been comfortable with morally gray.

Nathan: I thought you'd enjoy the extra time with your family.

HRG: There's only so many crossword puzzles I can do.

Claire: This is my new boyfriend, Alex.

Sandra: And why is he hiding in your closet.

Claire: We're...

Claire: Are you really going to make me say this out loud?

Sandra: Definitely.

Claire: We're having sex. I know, it was wrong, and we're so sorry.

Alex: [Shocked] Wha-?! Ma'am, I never touched your daughter!

[Claire glares at him. He shrugs.]

Doyle: [to Claire] Hey, Barbie.

Mohinder : [ending voiceover] Generations unfold — father to son, mother to daughter. Where one leaves off, the other follows, destined to repeat each other's mistakes, each other's triumphs. For how do we see the world if not through their lens? The same fears, the same desires? Do we see them as an example to follow, or as a warning of what to avoid? Choosing to live as they have, simply because it's what we know, or driven to create one's own identity? And what happens when we find them to be a disappointment? Can we replace them? Our mothers, our fathers? Or will destiny find a way to drive us back? Back to the familiar comforts of home?

Tracy: This is a breezy 68 degrees, and I've worked up one hell of a cold snap.

Millie: [to Angela] You look like you were mugged and the first thing they took was your dignity.

Daphne: I'm not your surrogate Janice.

Daphne: Fly me to the moon..

Peter: (to a statue of Jesus Christ) I asked to be extraordinary... and I promised to make the world a better place so when I got my chance I lived up to my end of the bargain. For what? I'm running for my life, a lot of people are running for their lives, they're hurt and they're dying and I can't help them. Do you even care what you put people through? When they kneel here before you and they ask for help do you even listen? And I'm tired of fighting and I'm angry. I'm angry at my father, Nathan, at my mother, at you. We had a deal.. I think its about time you lived up to your end. Please just.. show up.

Angela: I'm afraid that unconditional love isn't really love at all.

Angela: I've tried to warn everyone but no one would listen. Why would they? Why should they? I was Cassandra screaming that the sky was falling but when they looked up there wasn't a cloud in sight. Then I did it with lies and with manipulation and betrayal. And it cost me EVERYTHING: My friends, my husband, my boys. But Peter, it's the price I chose to save the world.

Claire: Over the years, I couldn't help but think about my real dad. Who you were, what you looked like, your job, and then I met you. And you were more amazing than anyone than I could ever imagined.

Nathan: You know that's just a fantasy.

Claire: No! It doesn't have to be. You could do anything you want. You can fly.

Nathan: Claire...

Claire: You were supposed to be superman.

Noah: How did you think it was going to end?

Hiro: Matt Parkman, meet Matt Parkman.

Nathan: When your grandmother has a dream it's a good idea to pay attention.

Angela: And to prepare for the future, you have to understand the past. You want the answers? Then you'll have to dig.

Mohinder: It is our nature to protect our children. For each generation to pass on their cautionary tales to the next. So it is with the myth of Icarus, the legend of a boy who fashioned wings from feathers and wax, daring to fly into the heavens. His father was fearful and warned Icarus to be careful, begging him not tempt to fate by flying too close to the sun. But in the end, the boy couldn't resist. His waxen wings melted from the sun's rays. And he plunged to his death.

Angela: I have socks for you.

Alice: Eh?

Angela: Since that night, whenever I feel lost... whenever I don't know what to do... I steal socks for you. To remind myself there are simple ways to protect the ones we love. You don't ever have to be cold again.

Angela: Say goodnight Alice.

Alice: Goodnight Alice

Danko: Maybe you should just stay as Agent Taub for a while an a while.

Sylar: Agent Taub's a nothing. I don't like being a nothing.

Danko: Understanding how things work. Who'd you kill to get that power?

Sylar: That's the only one that was ever truly mine.

Mohinder: For every being cursed with self awareness, there remains the unanswerable question, "Who am I?" We struggle to find meaningful connections to one another. We are the caring friend, the loving father, the doting mother, the protected child. We fight and we love in the hope that somehow, together, we can understand our significance in the universe. But in the end, no one can share our burden. Each of us alone, must ask the question, "Who am I? What does it mean to be alive? And in the vast infinity of time, how do I matter?"

Mohinder: There are nearly seven billion people on this planet. Each one unique. Different. What are the chances of that? And why? Is it simply biology, physiology that determines this diversity? A collections of thoughts, memories, experiences that carve out our own special place? Or is it something more than this? Perhaps there's a master plan that drives the randomness of creation. Something unknowable that dwells in the soul, and presents each one of us with a unique set of challenges that will help us discover who we really are.

Sylar: You'll get bored, after like a hundred years of trying to off me, watching all your loved ones drop like flies. You may eventually come to forgive me. Maybe you'll even love me.

Claire: I'll keep trying to kill you for the rest of my life.

Sylar: Well, everybody needs a hobby.

Sylar: [Shapeshifted] You really did a great job, sir. [He reaches to shake the President's hand. They touch, and Sylar's face morphes between many people. The handshake turns into a firm grip and a needle is thrust into Sylar's neck as Peter reveals himself and pulls their faces close.]

Peter: Bet you didn't think I took that one from you.

[Sylar passes out in the back seat of the President's limo]

Sylar: Everyone dies, well, almost everyone. Papa Petrelli, Mama Bennet, Mr. Muggles... what's your brother's name again? Larry?

Claire: Lyle.

Sylar: Right... he's gonna die too.

Claire: You can either listen to me now...or I'll tell you after you shoot me.

Mohinder: [ending voiceover] We are all connected. Joined together by an invisible thread, infinite in its potential and fragile in its design. Yet while connected, we are also merely individuals. Empty vessels to be filled with infinite possibilities. An assortment of thoughts, beliefs. A collection of disjointed memories and experiences. Can I be me without this? Can you be you? And if this invisible thread that holds us together were to sever, to cease, what then? What would become of billions of lone, disconnected souls? Therein lies the great quest of our lives. To find. To connect. To hold on. For when our hearts are pure, and our thoughts in line, we are all truly one. Capable of repairing our fragile world, and creating a universe of infinite possibilities.

Lechero : Without rules we are nothing but savages [...] This fight is engaged with only one rule. No weapons. Only man versus man.

[Michael's foe is paralyzed by Mahone after his attempt to stab Michael with a knife]

Mahone: [to Lechero] No weapons. Rules are rules, remember? If we don't have them, we're all savages.

Night-clerk : Sona is a one way street, what goes in, never comes back out, unless it's dead.

Mahone: What are you doing?

Michael: What do you want, Alex?

Mahone : You're so clever. Planting the drugs on the boat, that's a big irony. A law man in jail.

Michael : You're exactly where you belong.

Mahone : No, that's where you're wrong, and that's where you're gonna help me. I will have a court date one of these days and you will be there on the stand and you will tell the truth, that you planned this, and you set this up. And I'm gonna go home.

Michael : That's funny. I could've sworn you set this up.

Mahone : I set this up? I'm in here.

Michael : What does The Company want with me? Why Panama?

Mahone : What, you think I know what they wanted? They had me. I did what they asked me to do...arrest you in Panama, hand you over, that's it, that's... It's old news, huh? This is the first day of the rest of our lives. How 'bout we work together, help each other out?

Michael : Except every time I look at you, all I can see is the man who killed my father. You're on your own.

Michael Scofield : You're mad because someone took a book from you? This is what they took from me. So let's be clear. This is what matters to me. Not you and not your book.

Susan B. Anthony : I'm just a soldier in this war, Lincoln, just like you. I did not want to do that. Can you even comprehend the intimacy of the mechanics of what I had to do to that woman? It's horrible. Now, if you and your brother are done playing games, LJ will be fine. If not, the last thing I want to do is start mailing pieces of him to you. But if you push me, and not even that far, I will.

Mahone: So what's your deal? Public intoxication, tourist in trouble, local, what is it?

New prisoner: I don't like people asking too many questions about me when I've done nothing wrong, eh?

Mahone: Oh, you're an innocent man?

Whistler: Oh, come on, you don't wanna go in there..

Michael: If we want to get out of here, I do!

Sofia: What did you buy?

Lincoln: ...Supplies...

Sofia: Who am I going to tell, honestly?

Lincoln: You could be a Russian spy for all I know!

Michael: Show me the pictures Linc.

Lincoln: I can't show you the pictures, man.

Michael: Why not Linc?

Lincoln: She's dead Michael. I lied to you, I'm sorry.

Lincoln: Micheal we got to do this.

Susan B. Anthony : I know you wanted to live by an ocean your whole life. Sad to think the closest you'll get is being buried under one.

L.J.: You're not gonna kill me. You need me. You already killed Sara. Anything happens to me...you're out of bargaining chips.

Susan B. Anthony : If Michael doesn't get Whistler out today, I don't need to bargain anymore. You'll all be dead.

Michael : Was it you? Did you kill Sara?

Susan B. Anthony : I have no idea who you are talking about.

Michael : I'm coming for you.

L.J.: (with tape on mouth) Dad!

Lincoln: LJ! Thank God you're alive. (looking around)

L.J.: Forget about it, there's nothing you can do.

Lincoln: There's always something.

L.J.: Dad. These guys are thorough. They follow you everywhere. Trust me. (referring to Susan) That bitch is crazy. She cut Sara's head off. I was there. I closed my eyes, but I heard it.

Lincoln: You listen to me. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, alright? The next time you see me, don't take your eyes off me, and I'll tell you what to do, alright?

Susan: Minute's up.

Lincoln: Me and your uncle, we know what we're doing. We're gonna get you outta this. I love you.

L.J.: I love you too.

Gretchen : You know what I just found out? That Sucre means sugar.

Sucre : [raises eyebrows] Yeah.

Gretchen : So every time I say your name, I'm calling you sugar.

Sucre : Basically yeah.

Gretchen : [smiles] I like that.

Whistler : You know, uh, I am a fisherman. [Mahone and Michael stare at him] I am. I'm just maybe a little bit more connected then I let on.

Michael : [Holds up board] I think this is going to work.

Mahone : Yeah.

Whistler : You know, I run charters and I... Just like I said. I have for years. And one day, that brunette Gretchen, well she asked me if I wanted to be exclusive to her corporation, right? And, uh, well with the money she was offering, I had a pretty good idea she wasn't just trolling for salmon.

Michael : So you two have history.

Whistler : Yeah, and she's been an absolute nightmare in my life. Ever since that first job.

Michael : Alex, I need a wedge.

Mahone : Wedge...Wedge...

Whistler : Look, I took him where they wanted me to take him. [flips through book] I have to figure out these cordinates and I have to take them back there.

Mahone : Quit embarassing yourself.

Whistler : [looks at him] What?

Mahone : We're not two chicks at a bar that you're trying to pick up. [to Michael] Unless you need to hear this?

Michael : No.

Gretchen : You know the other day when you and Lincoln had your little spat in the lobby, and you all distraught and jilted, went across the street to the bar. A cynic might think that was staged. [turns to sucre] I'm a cynic, sugar.

Sucre : And you're high, sugar.

Gretchen : If it's any comfort, you guys almost pulled it off. The Puerto Rican and the gorilla... You reallly had me scrambling there for a minute.

Sucre : Hey, if you don't want my help, fine, I'm out! Okay! [Opens car door]

Gretchen : It's a little thing called a tracing number. On the check I gave you. Apparently, your extensive expertise in banking failed you that day. You promply wired all 25 K to Maricruz Delgado in Chicago at 123 'Please Don't Hurt Me' Lane.

Surce : If something happens to her-!

Gretchen : [Screams] If what?! [Pause] What, jackass?! [Stares at each other] You're going to go back there and you're going to get me some real information or Maricruz and her head are gonna part ways. [Turns away] Get outta my car.

Michael : There's something else.

Lincoln : What?

Michael : T-Bag's coming, and Mahone. Bellick. Oh, yeah, there's a drug lord, too.

Michael: Change of plans, Linc; we're doing this tonight.

Lincoln: Tonight?! What happened Michael?

Michael: Rain. Dirt. Tunnel. Problem.

Lincoln: It's going down tonight.

Gretchen: Tonight? Should I be worried?

Lincoln: I called you first thing. I'm being straight up with you.

Gretchen: Aww, that's refreshing!

Lincoln: So, I'll see you tonight

Gretchen: You show me yours, and I'll show you mine!

Gretchen: [to Whistler] It seems our fisherman finally grew some oysters!

Bellick : I was thinking, we should be a team. You know, not just during the escape but after, like, like Butch and Sundance.

Mahone : Butch and Sundance died.

Bellick : Well, I mean in the other parts.

Bellick : Just, does anybody know what's spanish for "don't shoot"?.

Lechero : No dispare.

Bellick : No 'dis' what?

"Michael": 30 seconds...Go!

Gretchen: [On the phone with Lincoln] I gotta commend you on that boombox trick. Very sophisticated. You steal that one from "Home Alone"?

Lincoln: You fell for it, Bitch!

Michael: You'll get a call in five minutes telling you where to meet next. And when the exchange is over, and LJ is safe, you and I are gonna spend some quality time.

Gretchen: When the exchange is over, you better run for your life.

[LJ laughs while Gretchen tries to figure out Michael's plan]

Gretchen: What's so funny?

LJ: You, thinking you can outsmart my uncle.

Michael: [Talking to Lincoln and with the file of Jason Lief in his hand] If he is important to Whistler he is important to me.

Lincoln: HO HO HO sto...

Michael: They killed Sara Linc!

Dentist: So you still have your boat?

Dexter: Oh, you bet. It's the only place I can really let everything go.

Dexter: OK, Astor, you're up. Mickey Mouse, unicorns or starfish?

Astor: Just plain, round pancakes, Dexter.

Rita: She's growing up.

Dexter: It starts with pancakes?

Dexter: [Voiceover:] Most normal people enjoy a sacred pact with society - live a good life and society will take care of you. But if society drops the ball, then someone else has to pick up the slack. That's where I come in.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] Dexter the doughnut guy, part of my routine. But let the record show I'm not the only one with a daily ritual. Angel Batista - bear claw. Vince Masuka - lemon custard.

Freebo: Stupid cunt's gonna redefine "short-term relationship". Catch my drift?

Dexter: Yeah, I catch your drift. [Voiceover:] And I'm entirely confident you've earned the privilege of being repurposed as fish food.

Rita: [To Dexter] Dexter, you've been working such killer hours lately.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] There were so many lessons in the vaunted code of Harry. Twisted commandments handed down from the only God I ever worshipped. One through ten... Don't get caught - that I got covered. But killing someone without knowing if he's guilty... I'd love some help on this one...but my God is dead now.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] Harry finds me sitting in a pool of blood, turns me into his own personal vendetta machine, and when he sees the monster he created in action, he kills himself.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] I have moved on from my father, but I still need his code, now more than ever. But it has to evolve, become my own.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] Harry - the last person I'd turn to for advice on parenthood.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] I promised Rita I'd be back in an hour. So she's nesting while I'm hunting, stalking my prey.]

Dexter: [Voiceover:] If my first stab at Freebo had gone as planned, Oscar Prado might still be alive, Miguel wouldn't know who I was, Teegan would have lived to ho another day, and Deb wouldn't be chasing a Jane Doe. And I wouldn't be watching the clock, counting the minutes till darkness comes, trying to get the jump on my friends in blue.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: The grocery store - the modern-day equivalent of the Serengeti, where the mighty lion goes to hunt. And my weaker brethren reward me with gifts.

Rita: You do your grocery list alphabetically?

Dexter: How else would you do it?

Dexter: Rita's pregnant.

Debra: Say again.

Dexter: Rita's pregnant.

Debra: You're lying!

Dexter: I'm not lying.

Debra: A baby? A motherfucking roly-poly, chubby cheeked shit-machine? Are you kidding me?

Dexter: Well, I've never heard it described in quite those words before, but yeah.

Dexter: What else did the doctor say?

Rita: He asked me about a million questions about my medical history. There's a form for you to fill out too, but I told him you were adopted. I mean... Are there any details that you do know?

Dexter: [Voiceover]: Like "Mom was killed by a chainsaw, my brother was killed by...well, me." That kind of stuff? [to Rita] No, I don't really know anything.

Miguel: At least share a drink with me.

Dexter: Yeah, I'll grab some glasses. [Voiceover]: Showing up late at night like this, is it creepy, or just what friends do?

Dexter: [Voiceover on getting CAT-scanned]: It seems ironic that I, an expert on human dismemberment, have to pay $800 to have myself virtually dissected.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: So there it is. I'm going to be a father, and raise my child. It's what any good man would do. After all...it's a jungle out there.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: Role playing. It's such an important part of growing up. When we were kids, whatever role Deb assigned me - evil monster, treacherous Nazi, horrible alien - I played them to perfection. The only roles I had trouble with were the good guys - heroes, knights in shining armor. It just never felt right.

Rita: Dexter and I have something we want to talk to you about.

Astor: What?

Dexter: We're having a baby.

Rita: Um... You're gonna have a new little brother or little sister to play with.

Cody: Which one?

Rita: Which one would you like?

Cody: A puppy.

Dexter: You can have a puppy and a baby.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: Masuka - he's chosen the role of court jester. Now we only like him when he's making us laugh. Still, there's something said for being a character actor. The lead players with all those emotions must be exhausting.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: Most actors toil in obscurity, never stepping into the spotlight. But if you hone your craft, work diligently, you might just find yourself cast in the role of a lifetime.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] There are many ways to stop the heart. Electric shock, bad diet... Sever the aorta - my personal favorite.

Rita: That massage was amazing.

Sylvia: We spend enough money to be members here. At least now I have somebody to go to the spa with.

Miguel: All of that stuff, that's not for men, right, Dex?

Dexter: Lying naked on a table, helpless, no thanks.

Dexter: [Voiceover:] Clemson Galt has been on my top ten list for years, and Miguel could be a big help. But the goal here isn't to satisfy my need, it's to get Miguel to find a new hobby.

Camilla: You know, Dexter, my whole life I've been searching for...

Dexter: The meaning of life?

Camilla: The perfect...Key lime pie. And what do I get when I'm about to croak? Fucking pie-crust, Reddi-wip, and green Jell-O...

Dexter: I'll see what I can do about finding you the perfect Key lime pie.

Dexter: [Voiceover on Ellen Wolf]: Do I see sheets of plastic in your future?

Dexter: [Voiceover]: It's said that everything is connected to everything. The butterfly effect... You drop a pebble in a pond and the ripples radiate outwards, touching and affecting everything.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: Freebo's dead, and now there's a tree-trimmers' convention in here. It seems random, but it's not. The butterfly effect again. Off course, it's an odd sensation when you happen to be the butterfly.

Rita: I asked him for menu suggestions - do you know what he says?

Sylvia: I don't know.

Rita: Steak. He says steak. Yeah, that's great, Dexter. That's really great. We'll start with a steak appetizer, followed by steak salad, followed, of course, by a steak. And then, of course, it'll all be topped off by a steak fucking cake.

Dexter: You ever drop a quarter of milk? Watch it spread over the whole kitchen floor, the mess it makes?

Miguel: Yeah.

Dexter: There's six quarts of blood in the human body. This isn't gonna be pretty.

Dexter: [Voiceover]: I tell Miguel to be inconspicuous, and what does he do? He shows up looking like the Unabomber.

Dexter: You were wrong. It went well.

Harry: Maybe. Who knows?

Dexter: You can't admit it. He did good.

Harry: That was never the issue, Dex - I was only thinking about you.

Dexter: Of course.

Harry: You've set something in motion here. Everything Miguel does from now on is connected to you. It's a lot of responsibility, teaching him what you just did. A heavy burden... It was too much for me to bear. I hope you're a stronger man.

Sylvia: He's having an affair.

Rita: Oh, no. No, no. You don't know that.

Sylvia: When you've been married as long as we have, you know when your husband's lying.

Dexter: [Voiceover: Something to look forward to.]

Debra: Skinner's had him for 24 hours. How long do you think he can hold out?

Dexter: Well, the ME's report on the other victims suggests the skinner starts slow - probably to build fear. Anton's a big guy - a lot of skin. [Pause] That's meant to be comforting.

George: Am I under arrest, sir?

Quinn: No, but we can hold you for questioning.

George: For the day.

Debra: What are you, a lawyer? No, wait, I forgot. You're a fucking tree-trimmer.

Debra: So how do I crack this sick fuck's brain?

Dexter: From what I've read about these sick fucks, they usually have some sort of...code.

Dexter: [Voiceover: Today I keep up the pretence. But soon, maybe tomorrow, Miguel will know exactly how I feel because finally there's an emotion I don't have to fake. Today, I feel something real.]

Dexter: [referring to Astor] What'd you use on her, chloroform?

Rita: I hope she was good.

Debra: Aw, she was a champ. She almost made it throught Saw 1 and 2. [Pause] Just kidding.

Rita: I feel like Cinderella. Except for the whole Disney virgin thing...

Sylvia: Oh, don't worry. No one will know Prince Charming knocked you up before the ball.

Dexter: [Voiceover: Bachelor parties. While I do understand the need for ritual, I've heard these events aren't really for the groom, they're for everyone else.]

Miguel: So as you all know, we're here to, uh, celebrate the impending marriage of our dear friend Dexter. And while my job as best man is to offer a few remarks, you're gonna have to forgive me for keeping them G-rated, because, uh, I'm running for office after all.

Dexter: [Voiceover: Better run fast.]

Rita: Syl told me she kicked out Miguel. How is he?

Dexter: Uh, I think he feels betrayed.

Rita: Why? He's the one who threw his marriage vows out the window. Who does that?

Dexter: A man without a code.

Angel: Please tell me you're not freezing sperm in there.

Masuka: This only gets down to minus 40 degrees centigrade. Freezing sperm requires a vessel to be at least minus 200. What? I'm a donor. It's my way of giving back.

Angel: God help the children.

Angel: So you like her?

Masuka: The problem is she likes me. I mean, there's gotta be something wrong with her, right?

Dexter: [Voiceover: If home is where the heart is, where do you go when you don't have a heart? In Miguel's case, a five-star hotel.]

LaGuerta: You ever get a voice inside nagging at you?

Dexter: I'm aware of the phenomenon.

LaGuerta: Use my authorization code to make it happen. Procedure above board, results - under the table - you good with that?

Dexter: Absolutely. If you need something under the table, I'm your guy. [Pause] That didn't come out right.

Dexter: [To Miguel] You're all just...unchecked versions of myself - what I would have become without my father's code.

Miguel: I accept you, Dexter, like a brother.

Dexter: I killed my brother. [Pause] I killed yours too.

Rita: Ramon didn't ask you to leave. He pushed you out the door.

Dexter: Yeah, he was drunk.

Rita: I could smell the fumes. He's just so angry.

Dexter: He's lost two brothers. He doesn't know who to blame.

Rita: Well, certainly not you.

Dexter: [Voiceover on being strapped to a table: Such a familiar situation - such an unfamiliar perspective.]

Dexter: [Voiceover: A wolf would chew off its own paw, its survival instinct is that fierce. So is mine.]

Dexter: [Voiceover: We all have secrets. In that way, I'm just like everyone else.]

Debra: [To Dexter] Ugh. Me in a dress, I feel like a transvestite.

[First Lady Martha Logan stands before a bathroom sink, dismayed.]

Martha Logan: I look like a wedding cake.

Jack: Let's get one thing straight, kid. The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you. Now get in the van.

[In a van, Derek watches nervously as Jack moves to incapacitate an FBI agent.]

Chloe: Relax. He's really good at this.

[President Logan lays into Cummings about his botched entrapment of Russian separtist terrorists.]

Walt Cummings: Oh, you make it sound like our goal was to kill Americans!

Charles Logan: What the hell was your goal, Walt?! Explain that to me!

Walt Cummings: I'm a patriot, s— Mr. President. We were acting in the best interest of this country.

Charles Logan: How is any of this in our best interest?

Walt Cummings: Shoring up a-a strategic partner in the war on terror? Ensuring a stable flow of oil? How is any of that not in our national interest?

[Martha has hung up on Logan after refusing to get out of the Suvarovs' limousine. Logan argues with Mike.]

Charles Logan: What am I missing, Mike?! T-t-t-there's gotta be some way out, something that I'm not seeing.

Mike Novick: You are not missing anything. Any action we take to save Martha would save the Suvarovs. And if that happens, the terrorists will release the gas. Unfortunately, it's that simple.

Charles Logan: And there's nothing we can do, right? Unless I warn them… Martha's going to die with the Suvarovs.

Charles Logan: Damn you Martie, putting me in such position.

[In CTU, Carrie is on the phone.]

Carrie Bendis: Understood. Those protocols should be coming over shortly.

Caller: Okay.

[Carrie hangs up. Lynn comes over.]

Lynn McGill: Who were you on the phone with?

Carrie Bendis: Homeland Security.

Lynn McGill: I gave you specific orders to have everyone's system mirrored to mine.

Carrie Bendis: I've been doing that.

Lynn McGill: But you're not finished, yet somehow you have time to chat with Homeland Security.

Carrie Bendis: They needed us to give them updated codesets. It'll just take another minute.

Lynn McGill: No, it won't. Stiles, finish her task. Carrie, you're done.

Carrie Bendis: What do you mean, "done"?

Lynn McGill: Fired! You don't work here anymore.

Edgar Stiles: Mr. McGill, it's not her fault. She's just—

Lynn McGill: Edgar, one more word out of you, you walk out with her. What's it gonna be?

[Still on the warpath, Lynn finds Chloe assisting Audrey in the server room.]

Lynn McGill: Chloe! Wat are you doing in here?

Audrey: I asked her to help me.

Lynn McGill: She doesn't work for you, Ms. Raines. She works for me.

Audrey: But I don't, and DoD has assignment priority over CTU.

Lynn McGill: We're in the middle of a real-time investigation, and we're understaffed. Chloe is a department head. You can't just take her away from me.

Audrey: I'm not taking her away from you. We needed a system patch on the server, and Chloe's the only one who can fix it!

Lynn McGill: Well, then you come to me, and you ask me. Everything in this office runs through me!

Audrey: Lynn, we are all trying to do the same thing! Can you please just get pass this?

Lynn McGill: Yeah, I'm past it. I want Chloe back.

Chloe: Okay. I'm finished here. Sorry, Mr. McGill — it won't happen again.

[On the phone as he runs to Medical, Jack tells Tony not to kill Christopher Henderson.]

Jack: You don't want to do this! It's not gonna bring back Michelle!

Tony: No. But I'll feel better.

Jack: Trust me, you won't!

Tony: You're probably right. I'll let you know.

Tony: She's gone, Jack.

Théo: I'm here by permission of your government, you can't touch me.

Jack: Right, we'll see about that!

Jack: Théo, it's Jack. I'm sorry.

Théo: We had a deal.

Jack: When this is all over I promise you I will help you rebuild your investigation. I give you my word.

Théo: I had your word, now I know what it's worth.

[Jack pulls a gun on Collette Stenger after finding she framed Audrey at Henderson's advice.]

Jack: He's using you. He wanted you to get inside my head. And it worked. And now I'm… upset.

[After the shootout at the gas plant]

Jack: Curtis, the Sentox is already in the system. Who's in charge here?

[Sam the foreman raises his hand]

Jack: Listen to me. You have Sentox nerve gas running through your pipelines. Can you shut down the pumps?

Sam: By the time we power down, gas will be in the main tanks and it's out into the city.

Jack: I need the closest pipeline that feeds those tanks.

Sam: Just out the door, to your left. It'll have a red arrow on it.

Jack [to Curtis]: Get me C4 and a timer, get these people out of here.

Buchanan: Jack, what are you doing?

Jack: In order to deliver the Sentox it had to mix with natural gas. If we can ignite that gas before it leaves the plant, the Sentox will be incinerated. Bill, this is the last chance we've got to stop this threat.

[Jack has just been caught in an explosion and sees Bierko escaping]

Jack: Curtis, I've got a visual on Bierko!

Curtis: Jack, you don't have time before the main tanks explode.

Jack: Right now, he's our only connection to Henderson!

[Arrested for helping Jack, Chloe insists that Jack did not kill David Palmer.]

Miles Papazian: He's a federal fugitive wanted for the murder of a former President. Which means you're going to jail, O'Brian. For a long time.

Miles Papazian: What's Bauer doing on Flight 520?

Buchanan: You have no idea what you're dealing with, you little ass-kisser.

[Bloodied and tied to a chair, Secret Service agent Aaron Pierce listens to Logan's attempt to bribe him to silence.]

Charles Logan: Are my terms acceptable?

Aaron Pierce: There is nothing you have said or done that is acceptable to me in the least. You're a traitor to this country and a disgrace to your office. And it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice for what you've done. Is there anything else… Charles?

[On Marine One, with President Logan in the back, Bauer pulls a gun on the other pilot.]

Jack: Captain. I can fly this thing if I have to, which leaves you with one of two choices. You either do what I say and you live, or you don't and you die for nothing. You understand me?

[A stony-faced, silent Jack holds Logan isolated on Marine One.]

Charles Logan: What are you trying to do, Jack? Whatever it is, you know you won't get away with it! Are you going to kill me? I suppose you want some sort of revenge. I understand that. Bad things happened. I didn't want them to happen. People who work for me, they-they-they went too far, they did things I thought I wanted them to do, but they were wrong! You have to understand, I have always acted in the country's best interest. But you're just trying to get even. Do you realize what effect this will have on the American people?! This day has been trying enough! And now the President is being attacked. If you want to do what's right, you will turn this thing around, and go back. Damn it, Bauer, say something!

[In the abandoned building, Jack sits down before a defiant Logan.]

Jack: A year and a half ago, I was warned that my life was in danger, by someone within the government. I was told the only way I could stay alive was to create the illusion that I was dead. I was forced to deceive people that I loved. My only daughter will never forgive me. As I see the depth of your corruption unfold, I have no doubt that you are that source of danger. David Palmer was a great man, and he was a great President! But he was also my friend. He tried to warn me about you and now he is dead. Other people tried to help me, and they are dead, too. So Mr. Logan, I hope you understand… I have absolutely nothing to lose. You are going to be held accountable for your part of everything that happened today. You are not going to be able to hide behind the Presidency — right here, right now, you are going to face justice! And make no mistake about this, this is personal. And if you think for a second that I am scared to put a bullet in your brain, you don't know me. I am going to ask you one last time. Who are your co-conspirators? You have until the count of three, or I will kill you.

[Charles follows Martha into the airfield hangar. In private, he slaps her and frisks her for a wire.]

Charles Logan: You said that I was a good liar? But I am nothing compared to you.

[Jack's kidnappers drag him through a dark enclosed space with hanging chains. Chinese operative Cheng Zhi appears.]

Cheng Zhi: You surely must be aware, Mr. Bauer, that China has a long memory. Only 18 months ago, you invaded our territory and killed our consul. Did you really think that we would forget? Hmm?

Jack: [gasping] I know how this works. I need to make one phone call. Please. Just one phone call.

[After a moment of silence, Jack spits at Cheng. The men drop him to the ground.]

Jack: Kill me. Just… kill me.

Cheng Zhi: Kill you? You're far too valuable to kill, Mr. Bauer.

Giancarlo [ship's doctor]: What's this? You tied these knots? So it starts to come back, eh?

Bourne: No, it doesn't start to come back. The knots, like everything else, I just found the rope and I did it. The same way I can, I can read, I can write. I can add, subtract, I can make coffee, I can shuffle cards, I can set up a chessboard.

Ward Abbott: I was recalling a conversation we had some time ago, talking about Treadstone. I seem to remember Nykwana Wombosi's name might have come up.

Conklin: I'm not sure what we're talking about.

Abbott: Someone tried to take him out. Tried, and failed. Was this Treadstone?

Conklin: You're asking me a direct question?

Abbott: Yes.

Conklin: I thought you were never gonna do that.

Abbott: What happened?

Conklin: Well…we, uh, lost communication with our man.

Abbott: This was almost two weeks ago.

Conklin: We've been working 'round the clock, the whole unit. We've been sleeping down there. Believe me, we're doing everything we can.

Abbott: And you don't let me know this?

Conklin: You never wanted to before.

Abbott: You never made a mistake before.

Marie: With you, you'll probably just forget about me if I stayed here.

Bourne: How could I forget about you? You're the only person I know.

[during a car chase through the streets of Paris]

Bourne: So…

Marie: What?

Bourne: We've got a bump coming up.

[drives their Mini down a flight of stairs]

Abbott: Well, so far, you've given me nothing but a trail of collateral damage from Zurich to Paris. I don't think I could do much worse.

Conklin: Well, why don't you go upstairs and book a conference room? Maybe you can talk him to death.

[last lines; Bourne enters a small shop on a Greek island]

Bourne: This your store?

Marie: Yeah.

Bourne: It's nice. A little hard to find, but...

Bourne: Think I can rent a scooter?

Marie: You have ID?

Bourne: (Bourne smiles) Not really.

Oliver: Congratulations John. And not just on the baby. You and Lyla are happy.

Diggle: Well you know, you should try it some time.

Oliver: Last girlfriend? She's in the League of Assassins. My girlfriend before that? She shot my girlfriend before that. Listen, I'm... not exactly a catch at the moment.

Diggle: Maybe Felicity will change all that.

Oliver: It's not the right time.

Diggle: Things are as good now as ever will be Oliver. And you love her. You even told her so.

Oliver: I was trying to fool Slade.

Diggle: Yes, except now the only person you're fooling is yourself.

Arrow: Send his photo to Roy. Get me Felicity.

Diggle: Got it.

Felicity: I can't talk right now, I'm at work. Could I ask you guys to wait one moment? Someone's calling for tech support! You're going to get me so incredibly fired. Okay, I'm hacking into the city's database, I am running facial recognition now.

Arrow: Do you like Italian?

Felicity: What?

Arrow: For tonight. You like Italian right? Everyone likes Italian.

Felicity: Oliver, you're in the middle of a high speed chase.

Arrow: I'm multitasking!

Oliver: Am I being crazy? I mean, what do we have to be nervous about?

Felicity: Well, we've already exhausted every topic that one would normally talk about on a first date, and a second date, and a third date, and every date actually. And I've already seen you shirtless. Multiple times. Shirtless all the time.

Quentin: I gotta warn you, the doctors told me not to get yelled at.

Laurel: Well, it's a good thing you don't care about your doctors' instructions then, since you're still going out in the field.

Oliver: Two years ago, the people of Starling City thought I was dead. I came back. And so can Queen Consolidated. With Starling National Bank's new investment, we can take QC out of receivership and into the future. This company is my family, and as my mother always said: There is nothing more important to me than family. Thank you.

Ray Palmer: [to Oliver] Good speech, hard to top. [walks to the front of the table] Thank you all for coming out today. I promise to be brief, if not a little entertaining. [to a female board member] Ah, that's one of my new smartwatches. I'm very proud of those. You like it? It works for you? Yeah, good. Anyway, science, numbers. I like numbers. These numbers show QC's performance under Mr. Queen's management. I'm using that term extremely loosely B.T.W. Also, B.T.W, these numbers aren't sanitized for Wall Street, this is raw information from your company's own servers.

Oliver: [to Felicity] How did he get into our computers?

Felicity: Something tells me he deployed a remote administration tool.

Ray: But the truth is, this company's woes are a symptom of a much larger problem. And that problem is Starling City. Queen Consolidated can't hope to survive if the city it's located in is dying, and guess what? It is. Nobody wants to live here anymore. And after two terrorist attacks, who can blame them? This city still needs saving. And that is my vision for this company: To not only see it rise from the ashes, but to take this city with it to that new horizon. And that new day has a name. [points at a slide with the text "Star City"]

Arrow: What is it, detective?

Quentin: You okay? You look like someone peed in your cornflakes.

Felicity: Do you even know how difficult it is to ping a clone off a hacked transband multiplex?

Roy: No, but only because you weren't speaking English just now.

Ray: You know, most girls would be flattered that I spent $1.2 billion just to hire them, even if I do have a fairly genius plan for rebranding the stores.

Felicity: In case you haven't noticed, I am not most girls and I don't need this. Or you. Or any of this.

Oliver: I just need your A game right now Felicity.

Felicity: I don't have it! My friend, our friend, was shot with arrows and fell off of a rooftop. Her body is upstairs right above us in a freezer because we don't know what to do with it, with her, so I am so sorry, Oliver, if I have feelings, but maybe if you did, too... I'm sorry. That was mean. But this is Sara we're talking about. Your Sara. How can you stand there being so cold and rational?

Oliver: Because I don't have the luxury of falling to pieces. Everyone is looking to me to handle things, to make the right decisions. Everyone is looking to me to lead. If I grieve, nobody else gets to.

Simon Lacroix: So you're The Arrow. I thought you'd be taller.

Merlyn: So why did you reach out to me?

Thea: You reached first.

Merlyn: Still.

Thea: I don't want to feel this pain again. I don't want to hurt or get hurt ever again, and you seem like someone who could teach me how not to.

Laurel: Ted Grant.

Ted Grant: Well I guess that badge means you're not here for a self defense class.

Laurel: No, I've already had my fair share. I'm here about one of your students, Tom Bronson. A witness places him at the scene of a break-in last night.

Ted: Well that's not possible, because Tom and I were sparring last night.

Laurel: Mr. Grant, do you know that lying to the District Attorney is against the law?

Ted: If by that you mean am I willing to lie in order to keep a good kid who just happened to make a stupid mistake out of this system? I think you know my answer.

Laurel: Are you admitting to perjury Mr. Grant?

Ted: Uh, that's a big word. I'm just a dumb fighter, right? Look, Tom was here with me last night and we worked on his upper cut combinations. Like I said, in this city there are a lot of good people who are dealt bad hands. They lose someone, they lose themselves. Which is why they come in here to work off that rage. I've gotten good at picking out the types, types just like you.

Laurel: If I'm angry it's because I'm dealing with someone who's willing to lie to the DA to protect a punk kid.

Ted: I don't think that's the case. Either way, if you do have something you want to work off... [hands her a brochure]

Thea: I didn't come all the way to South America to have you poison me, did I?

Merlyn: [chuckles] It's a meditative tea. It will activate your mind and body.

Thea: I think I'm gonna need a little bit more than tea to learn to use one of those. [Nods at the swords]

Merlyn: The Sōhei Buddhist warriors believed that first you must fight with your mind, then your sword. I remember when I was training to be a warrior, I began just like you, devastated by my wife's death. I was angry and hurt. The pain was unbearable. Like this. [Pours boiling water over his hand]

Thea: You're out of your mind! Put your hand in here!

Merlyn: Every warrior must learn the simple truth: that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional.

Thea: Please don't... don't do what I think you're going to do.

Merlyn: You asked me to teach you. [Pours boiling water over Thea's hand]

[Oliver runs out of arrows]

Oliver: Diggle!

Diggle: Behind you! [throws Oliver a gun.]

[Oliver shoots five soldiers. Roy stares at him]

Oliver: I never said I didn't know how to use a gun.

Laurel: I know that it probably sounds insane. It probably is, but Sara, she gave me this and when I wear it, it makes me want to help people like she did. Like she's alive again.

Oliver: I get it. Sara had training. She had years...

Laurel: Oliver, I know. Which is why I need to start and I need your help.

Oliver: No.

Laurel: Oliver...

Oliver: No. NO! I... I want you to consider what would happen to your father if something happened to you.

Laurel: Oliver, ever since it happened, I have had this fire inside of me that I can't get rid of with booze or pills. I need another way and the other night, even though it went wrong, it was the first time since Sara died that I haven't felt that fire.

Oliver: I'm sorry. I can't. And even if I could, Sara would never forgive me.

Laurel: You were the one that showed her the darkness inside. You... and your father.

Nyssa: I know you grieve, but so do I. I didn't show Sara the darkness, Laurel. It was already inside of her when we met. When I found her alone, starving and terrified, I protected her. I took Sara into my heart and I loved her with all of my soul. And that jacket. I gave it to Sara as a gift. You are not fit to wear it.

Nyssa: Jansen Sensei, I am Nyssa, heir to the demon Ra's al Ghul. You will tell me where I can find Malcolm Merlyn or I will kill you where you sit.

Merlyn: Hello Nyssa.

Oliver: I'm not a killer anymore Laurel.

Laurel: But Merlyn is. He killed Tommy and 502 other innocent people. How many more people are going to have to die before you put him down?

Oliver: Do you think that's what your sister would want?

Laurel: Yes. I do.

Nyssa: My father may be the demon. But yours is the devil.

Nyssa: I see you've been training. And wearing her jacket.

Laurel: If you're gonna stand there and tell me I'm not strong enough or tough enough, please don't.

Nyssa: Back at the cemetery I would have, but since you have reminded me that the strongest metal is forged in the hottest fire.

Laurel: And what's that supposed to mean?

Nyssa: Don't forget to turn your hips. That's where the power comes from.

Donna Smoak: Honey, I came to see you. For a visit. Look, look, look. Didn't you get my text?

Felicity: Mom, to send a text, you actually have to press "send" on the text.

Donna: Oh. Okay. Not a big deal. I'll do it right now.

Felicity: I was in this, I guess you could call it a group, in college. We were hactivists, for a lack of a better word. Civil disobedience via the world wide web. I created this, this super virus, that could give us access to any infected server. We could expose government fraud, start virtual sit-ins and digitally deface criminals. I guess you could say it was my first attempt at being a hero.

Thea: I was afraid you wouldn't react well to the idea of me taking his money.

Oliver: It's blood money, Thea! You don't know what Malcolm Merlyn is capable of!

Thea: I know what his money is capable of - renting me this really sweet loft.

Oliver: Listen to me. He's alive, and if you take his money, he has a hold on you.

Thea: I think you're being a little melodramatic. I'm his daughter, okay? He's not gonna put me in danger.

Oliver: He's responsible for the death of 503 innocent people, including your brother.

Thea: Now that is a card you do not get to play.

Donna: Hey! Hey, you want to wave that gun at me, fine, but don't you dare threaten my daughter.

Cooper: Here I thought you were all nails and hair.

Donna: Try single mom who worked 60 hour weeks in six inch heels to raise that genius child you see right there. I may not understand all this cyber whatever... But I know without that gun, you wouldn't last ten seconds against my girl.

Oliver: Are you OK?

Felicity: I guess. Old lovers have a way of opening old wounds. Lovers. Sounds creepy no matter how you say it.

Oliver: Felicity, I want you to know that whatever experiences you had to go through, I'm glad that you did to shape the person that you are today. And you know how I feel about her.

Ted: Make sure you get some protein within the hour, all right?

Laurel: Yeah, egg whites. They're my new BFF.

Ted: Oh, that's disgusting. No, no, no, two blocks from here - Korean tacos.

Laurel: Korean tacos?

Ted: Trust me. They're heaven. Come on, I'm buying.

Arrow: You're playing a very dangerous game, Laurel.

Laurel: I can take care of myself.

Arrow: No you can't, because you haven't realized it isn't actually a game.

Ted: This is were I kept my supplies. A safe place separate from my day job. I'm sure you've got one just like it.

Arrow: Mine's bigger.

Roy: That guy? He said I was just another weapon in your arsenal.

Oliver: Well, maybe that's what we should call you, then. Arsenal.

Oliver: When I said I wouldn't train you, I was trying to protect you. But a homicidal former vigilante apprentice was not what I had in mind.

Laurel: I know you're trying to protect me, Ollie, but I'm not helpless.

Oliver: I've never seen you that way. But Laurel, I'm always gonna watch out for you. And it's not because I think you're helpless, it's because I care about you.

Tatsu Yamashiro: [puts down Oliver's laundry] I'm not your mother or your wife or your maid.

Oliver: OK. Alright. You don't like me. I get it.

Tatsu: At least you're perceptive.

Oliver: I thought that, last week, the whole candle-meditation thing and maybe we had a moment.

Tatsu: Moment's over. You can celebrate by doing your own laundry. [...] What?

Oliver: I don't know how.

Felicity: This dress... costs more than my apartment.

Ray: Yeah. Couture, which I'm pretty sure is French for "expensive". [Felicity handles the dress, smelling it and keening] So, dinner? Purely platonic.

Felicity: There is nothing platonic about couture.

[later]

Felicity: [whispering to the dress] You and I are going to be best friends.

[Oliver shows Carrie's arrow to Diggle]

Diggle: Last time I saw a spade that lethal, it cut up a pretty good royal flush I was holding.

Felicity: I don't blame you for not wanting to sell Ray your mine, because you don't know what his plans are. The thing about Ray is he's not a businessman. Businessmen make deals, they make money. What Ray is, is something else entirely.

Arrow: I understand that you're hurting and I know what it's like to want someone but not be able be with them. How you wish things could be different, but they can't. I can't be with you. I can't be with anyone. I have to be alone.

[Barry runs into the Arrow lair with sushi and without his mask on, not thinking about Lyla being there]

Dr. Caitlin Snow: Hey! Secret identity?

Barry: They're married!

Diggle & Lyla: We're not married.

Barry: Or together. Whatever, he told her about me.

[Diggle shakes his head]

Barry: You didn't...?

Diggle: I keep secrets for a living, man.

Barry: Ah. My bad.

Lyla: You... you're...

Barry: The Flash. Sushi?

Oliver: To do what I do, Barry, takes conviction. But more often than not is the will to do what's ugly. Every time I do that, I'm... I'm trading away little pieces of myself. So you asked what's wrong with me. That's... That's what's wrong. Because the part that I'm trading away is Oliver Queen. And lately I've been feeling like there is nothing left. Except the Arrow.

Barry: I think you're full of crap. Look, you've convinced yourself that everything you've been through took away your humanity. But I think it's because of your humanity that you made it through. You wouldn't have survived, much less come out the other end a hero, somebody who wants to do good, if you didn't have a light inside of you.

Cisco Ramon: [after seeing Thea] Yo, who was the hottie?

Roy: [simultanously with Felicity] My ex-girlfriend.

Felicity: [simultanously with Roy] Oliver's sister.

Cisco: So... "stay away" is what you're saying.

A.R.G.U.S. Guard: Something strange with your ID. I'm going to have to detain you for a minute.

Digger Harkness: Hmm.

A.R.G.U.S. Guard: If that's a problem, I really don't care.

Harkness: You know, you should be careful how you treat people, my friend. After all... [throws boomerang at the guard killing him] ...what goes around, comes around.

Lyla: There are people in the world who deal only in extremes...

Oliver: And it would be naive to think that anything less than extreme measures will stop them.

Lyla: Sometimes bravery isn't enough. Sometimes the world requires us to be bold.

Oliver: Whatever the personal cost.

Ra's al Ghul: You're just a boy. Well, Mr. Queen, you failed to protect the city you love. Now you will watch it bleed.

Oliver: Nobody in my city will die tonight.

Ra's: Well, there was only one way to prevent that. You were to produce for me the one who killed Ta-Er Al-Sahfer. And yet you've come alone.

Oliver: Because it was me. I killed Sara.

Nyssa: Why would you kill a woman you once professed to love?

Oliver: Because she begged me to.

Nyssa: You lie.

Oliver: It wasn't the first time Sara chose death over a life in the league. And meeting you now, I can see why.

Ra's: I should have Sarab cleave your head off your shoulders. Not for killing my daughter's beloved, but for thinking me a fool.

Oliver: By league law, I have the right to challenge you to a trial by combat.

Ra's: It's been 67 years since a man challenged me. You covet death that much?

Oliver: Do you accept?

Ra's: Oh, yes.

Oliver: Maseo...

Maseo Yamashiro: My name is Sarab.

Oliver: You told me once a man cannot live by two names.

Maseo: And I don't. Maseo is dead. I am all that's left, Sarab. A phantom.

Oliver: After it happened, you went to Nanda Parbat.

Maseo: I arrived the same year as Ta-Er Al-Sahfer. She was a great warrior. You did not kill her. When you face the demon, it will be my duty to bear witness. I have no desire to watch you die. Under our code, you have 12 hours to settle your affairs. The 13th hour, be at this place. This location is consecrated ground for the league. A place for the settlement of blood debts - if one survives the climb. If you do.

Oliver: See you on the mountain.

Felicity: But there is one thing I need to ask you to do. And you're not going to want to.

Oliver: Well, if it's you asking, I'll do it.

Felicity: Kill him. You have to kill Ra's al Ghul. This is a duel... Oliver, with one of the most dangerous men that has ever walked the Earth.

Oliver: I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't think I can win.

Felicity: I don't doubt that. I don't doubt that you can beat him. I am terrified that you won't kill him. Because that's not who you are anymore. And I am so afraid that Ra's al Ghul will use your humanity against you.

Oliver: Felicity, I honestly don't know if I'm a killer anymore. But I do know two things - the first is that whoever I am, I am someone who will do whatever - whatever - it takes to save my sister.

Felicity: And the second thing?

Oliver: I love you.

Ra's: I was 11 years old when I killed my first man. I remember the look in his face when the light went out behind his eyes. Such a sudden change, almost imperceptible, between life and death. And I felt ashamed. I had stolen from that man the most precious gift of all - life. But I also felt something else - pride, because I had taken up arms against someone who sought to do ill against my family. And I realized what I had done was necessary. You see... I have replaced evil with death. And that... is what the League exists to do. And I have killed several thousand more men since then. And the world is better for it.

Ra's: You should take pride. You survived longer than most. Don't be afraid, my son. Death comes for us all. We can only evade it so long. Consider this an honorable exit. [stabs Oliver through the chest, speaks in Arabic]: Forgive and have mercy upon him... Excuse him and pardon him... Make honorable his reception... Protect him from the punishment of the grave... And the torment of fire.

Merlyn: Ms. Smoak is correct. I orchestrated the matter to eliminate the death warrant Ra's placed on my head. Oliver was that way. His death means my own.

Diggle: He's not coming back, Oliver. I know you don't want to believe it, Laurel, God knows I don't but, he's not coming back.

Laurel: Are you? Are you coming back?

Diggle: I don't know. For the first time since I met Oliver Queen I don't know what happens next. I know it's silly, but I still like to think of myself as Oliver's bodyguard. I just couldn't protect him. It's funny. He was worried something would happen to me.

Diggle: OK. The point is, if we're going to do this without Oliver, Felicity, we have to trust each other.

Felicity: You don't get it. There is no 'this' without him. It's done. I'm done.

Ray: You make it sound like using an advanced exoskeleton to fight crime and save the city is a Looney Tune idea.

Thea: Dad, I could have killed you.

Merlyn: Heh. It's cute that you think so.

Felicity: And by help, you mean money and counsel, and not a suit powered by... dwarf star alloy that fires lasers at people?

Ray: Well, they aren't lasers. That would be ridiculous. They're compressed hard light beams.

[after Brickwell and his men abduct three alderman from City Hall]

Ray: [to Felicity] See? That's why I need a technosuit.

Diggle: Sometimes, me and Oliver come down here after, you know, tough nights. He would pour this, look up and say "Prochnost."

Roy: What does that mean?

Diggle: I have no earthly idea. To Oliver.

Roy: To Oliver.

Ray: I gotta be honest, I'd feel a little more confident in your aeronautic abilities if you knew, for instance, that helicopters don't actually have keys.

Felicity: They don't have keys?

Ray: No.

Felicity: Is it on the roof?

Ray: Yeah, it's on the roof.

Ray: I thought you weren't gonna help with my suicide mission.

Felicity: Well, that's the thing. With my help, you might not wind up dead.

Thug: Looks like we got ourselves a real live superhero here. You that red streak I've been hearing about on TV?

Arsenal: Wrong city.

Quentin: It doesn't mean I can't help the Hood Squad off the books.

Felicity: We call ourselves Team Arrow. Well, actually, that's just me, but...

Quentin: I just got everything we have on Brick from evidence lockup.

Felicity: Okay. I'll send Arsenal over once the next brushfire's put out.

Quentin: Arsenal? What, are you guys just pulling names out of a hat now?

Arsenal: Captain Lance.

Quentin: Harper.

Arsenal: I'm not sure what you...

Quentin: Look. I've seen you shooting a red hoodie, I've seen you shooting arrows at people. You think I don't recognize you with a little extra leather and lace?

Arsenal: Well, I guess I won't be needing this anymore. [turns off voice modulator]

Merlyn: This is for Rebecca.

Danny Brickwell: What?

Merlyn: You don't even know here name, do you? Is this the weapon you used to murder my wife?

Brickwell: Everybody I dropped was with that piece.

Merlyn: She was a good person, decent, kind. She ran the clinic here in the Glades.

Brickwell: Brunette? Ha ha ha! Yeah. Now I remember. She was my first, my initiation into the Orchid Bay Butchers. Heh heh heh.

Merlyn: You murdered her because you wanted into a gang?

Brickwell: No. Because she was weak! Because she was crying, begging me not to kill her, but you won't get that from me, so come on! Finish it!

Arrow: Don't do it!

Merlyn: You are too late.

Arrow: Drop the gun. No more death.

Merlyn: That's easy for you to say. You just returned from the grave.

Arrow: Killing him won't balance the scales.

Merlyn: When you have killed 503 people including your own son, you tend not to worry about scales, and don't tell me it won't stop the pain and it won't bring her back because you don't understand! If I had taken care of him back then, it could all be different. The League, the Undertaking, Tommy... Every choice I have made since my wife died.

Arrow: Then you made a different choice now for Thea.

Merlyn: Thea will never forgive me.

Arrow: Start giving her reasons to.

Oliver: I'm sorry...

Felicity: For what? Maybe you could be a little more specific: Letting us think you were dead? For weeks? Or by abandoning every principle you claimed to have by getting into bed with Malcom Merlyn?

Oliver: That's not what has you upset.

Felicity: When you were gone... for almost a month... I allowed myself to fantasize. To dream that maybe, just maybe... Merlyn was wrong. That you were alive. That you'd come back.

And that when you did, maybe you'd be different. That almost dying would give you a new perspective on life. That you would do things differently...

Oliver: Things between us, you mean.

Felicity: Before you left, the last thing you said was that you loved me. Now you're back... And the first thing you tell me is that you're working with the man who turned your sister... who you're supposed to love... into a killer, who killed a woman you used to love. I don't want to be a woman you love.

Laurel: I know what you're going to say, but I risked myself for this city while you were gone. That should earn me some respect.

Oliver: This isn't about respect. And it's not about you risking your life. I understand that you miss Sara. And I understand when you go out there like this, all of that pain goes away.

Laurel: It's the only time it ever does.

Oliver: And that relief isn't real. It's a drug.

Laurel: If you're implying...

Oliver: You an addict. And just like booze and pills, that high you're chasing every night is endangering your life.

Laurel: Go to hell, Oliver. You don't get to play that card with me. Ever. And if there is anyone who is using adrenaline to hide the pain of real feelings and real life, it's you.

Roy: You think you're the only person who can stand up for Thea?

Oliver: I'm trying to figure out why you're standing up to me!

Diggle: Alright. Maybe we just need to throttle back.

Felicity: No! We need this. Oliver, you were gone, dead, at least we thought you were, and we had to go on with our lives and doing that meant not doing things your way.

Oliver: Fine. I'm back now!

Felicity: That doesn't mean we can go back! And you do not have the right to come back here and question everyone's choices.

Diggle: No, you weren't gone. You were dead and all of us, including me; we were ready to hang it up.

Oliver: Why didn't you?

Diggle: Because we realized we weren't just fighting for you, we were fighting for ourselves. That includes Roy and, yes, that includes Laurel.

Oliver: She's not a soldier.

Diggle: Neither were you.

Oliver: It's not the same thing and you know that.

Diggle: What I know, Oliver, is that you started something, something strong enough to live on past you. Question is, can you live with what it's become?

Laurel: When Zytle hit me with Vertigo, I saw Sara. She was alive and she was calling me a fraud. I was crazy to think that I was fit to wear Sara's jacket, so much as follow in her footsteps.

Felicity: You're right. I hope I'm not out of line here. But, I think Sara wore her mask just as much to hide her demons as she did to help people. I don't see that with you. You have a light inside of you that Sara never had so maybe you should stop trying to be Sara and just be yourself.

Thea: You smell like smoke. Korean barbecue?

Oliver: C4. Yeah.

Tommy: You shouldn't grow up too fast.

Thea: Yeah, well, you're not my brother.

Tommy: You're right, no, I'm not. But I think about him every single day. For the first time, I'm glad he's gone. 'Cause seeing you like this would break his heart.

Thea: It's funny how Ollie seems to care more about me now that he's dead than he did when he was alive.

Maseo: What were you thinking? Anyone at that party could have seen you!

Oliver: Yeah, I pulled the hoodie down to cover my face.

Maseo: That disguise wouldn't work even if you smeared grease paint all over your face.

Slade: Come on, then. You've earned it.

Oliver: Thea, don't!

Thea: He killed Mom!

Oliver: And he will continue to pay for his crimes, but not like this! You're a not a killer!

Thea: Yeah, tell that to Sara!

Oliver: What happened to Sara is not on you! What happens to him is! All this is what Malcolm wanted. He freed Slade to prove we're killers because he wants you to be just like him. You got to prove to him that you're not

Slade: She's lost, your sister.

Oliver: No, she's not.

Slade: You can see it in her eyes. She's being touched by darkness. Was it Merlyn? He's an interesting man to do that to his own daughter. So now you've lost your father, your mother, and now your little sister. How's the girl with glasses? What's her name? Felicity. How many people can Oliver Queen lose before there is no more Oliver Queen?

Thea: How could you make me kill a friend?

Merlyn: He should not have told you that.

Thea: I trusted you. I let you into my life. How could you have done this to me?

Merlyn: Because you are my daughter, Thea, and I care about you.

Thea: Oh, God, that's sick. And not even remotely true!

Merlyn: You do not understand the danger we face from Ra's al Ghul!

Thea: Just stop! Stop using him as an excuse. The only person I'm afraid of right now is you.

Merlyn: Please, do not do this...

Thea: Please, stop. I will work with you to stop Ra's. Because that's what my brother says we need to do. So I will be your student. I'll be your partner. Even if I have to, I will be your soldier. But never again I will be your daughter.

Felicity: Did you get locked out of the Palmer Technologies server? That's a shame.

Ray: You did this?

Felicity: I just came from a friend of mine who has his head shoved so far up his colon that - and I'm pretty sure this is true - he's literally going to get himself killed. Him, I can't do anything about. You're a different story.

Ray: Great. Why don't you tell me the story while you unlock the atom subroutine directory?

Felicity: You have two options, Ray. Option one - you can find the way to break through the encryption that I used to lock up your server, which by my calculations, will take you roughly 6.25 hours. Or you can use that time to eat a proper meal, take a shower, and get no less than five hours of sleep, at the completion of which I will give you the password.

Ray: I see.

Felicity: It's your choice, but I highly recommend option two, because this whole situation has gone from endearingly eccentric to creepily not okay.

Ray: If I'd had the energy, I think I'd be getting angry right now, but instead... I'll just take option two.

Felicity: That's a wise choice. After your dinner and a shower, I am taking you straight to bed. [pauses] Putting you. Why do I do that?

Nyssa: Your sister told us Merlyn killed Sara. Are you so lost you'd deprive me of my justice?

Arrow: This isn't justice. It's vengeance.

Nyssa: Vengeance is justice.

Roy: Look, I may not agree with it, but I understand what you're trying to say. You don't want Thea to live the guilt of getting her own father killed. But how is getting her brother killed any better?

Oliver: I don't plan on dying.

Felicity: That's what you said the last time you went to go face Ra's, and how did that turn out for you?

Laurel: Can you remember the sound of Sara's laugh?

Nyssa: When Sara was first brought to my father, the moment he weighed her apprenticeship or her execution, she bore witness to a demonstration of his power, one that inspired her and all that come before, but Sara... laughed. It was so innocent, so genuine. That was the moment I fell in love with her, I think. All I knew, all I craved was to her laugh once more.

Ra's: You tasted death, and you wanted more, but the truth is everyone and everything must come to an end. Even from one such as me.

Oliver: Kill me, but spare John Diggle's life. Let him go. I will beg for it.

Ra's: You have shown tremendous strength, fortitude, power. No, Mr. Queen, I do not want to kill you. I want you take my place. I want you to become the next Ra's al Ghul.

Ra's: Ra's is a title greater than one man. Wing Ta Leo Wo Chey.

Oliver: Am I supposed to understand what that means?

Ra's: No. It is from a dialect no longer spoken. Said to me by a man whose place I took. Contemplating the same offer. And what it means is: "A tale to be told begins thus".

Ra's: Surely men have branded you a murderer, a torturer. But see, I would never shame you with such bluntness. Because I see it in your eyes. The struggle you have with your dual identity. Oliver Queen and the Arrow. Neither are giving you what you crave.

Oliver: But becoming Ra's al Ghul will?

Ra's: Oliver Queen is a man destined to be alone. He loves a woman who knows he cannot have.

Oliver: You don't know me.

Ra's: But I know the Arrow. Al Sahhim. You will never be anything more than a vigilante for those whose lives he saves at the risk of your own. And the city will turn on you, and your closest allies within the police department will call you a criminal. You will be scorned and hunted, and then killed. Dying as you began your crusade. Alone.

Diggle: You want to tell me what's going on now?

Oliver: Ra's predicted this. He said the city would turn against me and I would die alone. And when we come back, and the first thing that happens is Lance shutting me out, and... I see Felicity with Palmer. It's like he looked into my future.

Diggle: Sounds to me Ra's is playing with your head. Question is, why are you letting him?

Oliver: He wants me to take his place in the League of Assassins. That's why he let us go. As a sign of good faith.

Diggle: Is there even a world where he can imagine you saying yes?

Oliver: He said I can do more as the new Ra's than I can ever do as Oliver Queen or the Arrow. That I would have unlimited resources. That I could make a difference, not just a dent.

Diggle: You're not really considering this. Just because Captain Lance is angry and Felicity is momentarily unavailable.

Oliver: It's more than that. I just... John, tell my honestly... What have we accomplished?

Diggle: [sighs] Oliver...

Oliver: All the people that we put away, John, they got out. The city is no better off. The Arrow is not... is not making a difference. And if I just can't be me... and the Arrow isn't enough...

Diggle: Oliver...

Oliver: Then maybe I should be Ra's al Ghul.

Oliver: We went up against a new crew last night. One of them had his lips sewn shut.

Felicity: Is that a real thing?

Oliver: Apparently.

Felicity: Ugh. If only I had known I had that option.

Felicity: [whistles] Nice work.

Oliver: Not without a few casualties, but Amar is in custody.

Felicity: So that's a no on the whole victory dance thing, then?

Oliver: You know me. I don't dance. But I do occasionally say... thank you.

Felicity: You're welcome.

Oliver: And you were right.

Felicity: Ah, a "thank you" and a "you were right." I should really be recording this.

Ray: This isn't the first time he's been judge, jury and executioner.

Felicity: He hasn't killed anyone in nearly two years.

Ray: That really is not your best argument.

Felicity: Last year, Ray's fiancée was killed by Mirakuru men. And now he wants to protect the city, so he built a suit out of military-grade technology and he wants to put you in jail, so he used my software to track you down, and he scanned you with his x-rays and now he knows you're the Arrow and he's going to tell the cops.

Oliver: Palmer knows I'm the Arrow? And he has his own mission to protect the city? When were you going to tell me this?

Felicity: I have been getting that a lot today. Look, it's not important. Here's what is - he's going to tell the police who you are!

Roy: Wait, Ray built a super suit? That's kind of awesome. [Oliver glares at him] And reckless.

Diggle: You seeing anybody, Cutter?

Carrie Cutter: Of course I am. The Arrow. And our special day is going to be the most glorious day. And then, afterwards, we'll make strong beautiful babies.

Floyd: And does he know this? Listen, I got news for you, stalker - you don't get to do what we do and have a family.

Diggle: Yeah, well, I have a wife right here and a child who say otherwise. Let's hold up here.

Floyd: Yeah, well, let's hope you make it home to her. But love, children, family - it's all just a distraction to people like us.

Lyla: They make us better, and give us something worth fighting for.

Floyd: Love is a bullet in the brain, and if you believe any different, you're as crazy as she is.

Ray: Arrow.

Oliver: Super Suit.

Ray: I prefer "The Atom."

Oliver: [to Felicity] I told you I couldn't be with you and save the city. Neither can Ray. He's just too new at this to know it.

Donna: Oh, my God. Did you and Ray just do it in this hospital? Did you just have hospital sex?

Felicity: No!

Donna: I've always wanted to have hospital sex!

Felicity: Way TMI! Gross!

Laurel: You have no idea why Sara was killed.

Quentin: She ended up in the League of Assassins 'cause she was marooned on Lian Yu. 'Cause she got in that boat with Queen.

Laurel: So what? Now Oliver's to blame?

Quentin: Oliver, the Arrow, either way, same guy. On some level, I think I always knew. When I thought he was doing good, it didn't matter to me. You know, when that boat went down and we thought Sara was dead? We blamed Queen. It's funny how things come full circle, right?

Oliver: How's Ray?

Felicity: So much better than you right now. Please tell me you have a brilliant plan.

Oliver: I don't even have a regular plan.

Oliver: The only move that Ra's has left me is telling the truth. You have no idea how powerful the truth can be.

Quentin: Lian Yu.

Oliver: What about it?

Quentin: This, uh, Ra's character, he told me that Sara made it to the island with you. You didn't feel like sharing that with me? Huh? I mean, I'm only her father. Well, I was. When did you decide that you knew what was best for my family?

Oliver: I love your family.

Quentin: [slugs Oliver] You got the right to remain silent. Take it!

Oliver: Just ask me what you want to know.

Quentin: [scoffs] What do I want to know? Well, was it worth it? All that pain and misery you brought back from the island? Merlyn, Slade Wilson? Wouldn't it be better if you just died there?

Oliver: The reason I came back was to try and save the people of the city.

Quentin: I hate to break it to you, but saving people isn't your specialty. Tommy. Hilton. Your mother. My daughter. And now you're set on killing Laurel, too.

Oliver: I didn't want her to be involved in this. I didn't want anyone to be involved in this.

Quentin: But you involved me. You spent a year making me look like a fool. You spent a year making me your accomplice. You have any idea what you've done, huh? What you've done to all of us, to the people you claim to care so much about? You've made us criminals! You've made us liars and victims. You, Mr. Queen, are not a hero. You're a villain. But you know that, don't you?

Ray: Still nothing. Not a visual sighting or any other reading at all from The Atom. And I say Atom, I mean the suit, not myself in the third person.

Oliver: [to Felicity] There's a decent chance that you and Palmer are related.

Ray: I need shields.

Oliver: That's not the answer. You need to anticipate your opponent. You need to trust your instincts and not just your tech.

Ray: My instinct is to trust my tech.

Oliver: Ray, when I'm out in the field, my bow, my arrows, those are just tools. I'm the weapon.

Ray: That's poetic.

Oliver: My point is that if you rely on your suit more than you rely on yourself... it's going to get you killed.

Felicity: So, uh, what's with the sunglasses, man? We're indoors, and it's well, night. Do you have a sensitivity to the...

Jake Simmons: To light? No. [removes his sunglasses showing his fiery eyes] I love the light.

Simmons: I'm sorry, but the blonde can't come to the phone at the moment.

Ray: I swear to God, if you hurt her...

Simmons: You'll what? Fly away again? I am talking to the man in the suit, right? The one who thinks a piece of scrap metal makes him some kind of hero? It doesn't.

Cisco: You said Simmons is from Central City, right?

Ray: Yes. Last known address, 4160 Dixie Canyon. Why?

Cisco: According to this, Jake Simmons was a guest of the Opal City police department on December 11, 2013.

Ray: What do I know that date from?

Cisco: That was the day of the Particle Accelerator test. But if Simmons wasn't in Central City the night of the dark matter explosion, then... how can he be a meta-human?

Maseo: I hope you find the accommodations acceptable. Such luxuries are a small glimpse of the life that awaits Oliver.

Diggle: You trying to reassure me or yourself?

Maseo: I don't know what you mean.

Diggle: You're Oliver's friend. Maseo, right?

Maseo: I am Sarab.

Diggle: Call yourself whatever you want. If you gave a damn about Oliver you wouldn't be working for the man who practically killed his sister.

Maseo: Oliver will be spared grief, in a manner that was denied to me. And he'll receive an honor, greater than you can imagine.

Diggle: League of Assassins. You're feared for your bravery and power, but all I see are a bunch of weak men running from their lives, trying to escape. That's not powerful, Maseo, or brave. That's cowardly.

Maseo: Do not presume to know me. Until you've held your dying child in your arms. Until you've told him everything will be okay. So that the last words he ever hears are a lie. You know nothing.

Diggle: I'm sorry. What was your child's name?

Maseo: Akio.

Diggle: Do you think Akio would be proud of his father right now?

Ra's: You have a great fire within you. I can see now why Oliver loves you.

Felicity: If you knew the first thing about love, you would not be ripping Oliver away from his family.

Ra's: I am merely helping him fulfill his destiny.

Felicity: Yeah, I know all about the "survive my sword" prophecy, and I'm here to tell you that I could really give a crap. Me and John, and God help me, Malcolm, are not going to let this happen. And we have friends, and we have resources, and we will go to war to get Oliver back.

Ra's: You know, many lifetimes ago, I loved a woman immeasurably. And she loved me. And we had a son, and then a daughter. And for many years, I felt I was the most fortunate man in the world. My life was bliss. And one night, a man came to my door and he gave me a horrible choice: to leave without saying a word to them, or to stand and watch them tortured and then killed. And I left without a farewell. And to spare them pain, I endured an agony worse than death.

Felicity: Sounds like you gave up too easily.

Ra's: If there's one immutable truth about life, it is often more cruel than it is fair, and rarely provides an opportunity for any of us to find closure. And all your posturing and all your threats of war will merely delay the inevitable, and causing you to forfeit you the opportunity you have… that was denied me. You need to tell Oliver goodbye. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him whatever it is your heart needs to express. And do it now. Before he is lost to you forever.

Felicity: I wish that I could change your mind about staying here, but I know I can't. Just like I know that leaving you here is going to destroy me. I don't regret a single moment. And you shouldn't either. You have done so much. You have saved so many people's lived and you have changed so many for the better, including mine. Knowing you has changed my life. You've opened up my heart in a way I didn't even know was possible. I love you.

Diggle: Oliver. Oliver, I don't know what to say

Oliver: I do. John, you're the best man I've ever known. Whatever happens, you're my brother.

[Oliver and Diggle embrace]

Felicity: I'm afraid I will never forgive myself for leaving you here.

Oliver: You told me once that life's precious and that you wanted more from it than I could offer you. Don't give up on that. The only way that I'm gonna survive this is if I know that you're out there living your life, happy.

Felicity: We're always saying goodbye to each other. You'd think I'd be good at it by now.

Oliver: Well, let's not say goodbye this time.

[Oliver and Felicity kiss]

Ra's: Oliver Queen is dead. Eventually to be reborn as Ra's al Ghul. But for now, only the Arrow, Al Sah-Him shall remain. Al Sah-Him. Heir to the Demon.

Oliver: My name was Oliver Queen. I worked three years to save my city. But to save my sister, I had to become someone else. I had to become something else.

Ra's: You have made great progress in three weeks. Al Sah-him. You no longer flinch upon hearing your new name.

Oliver: Oliver Queen is alive only in the past. He's forgotten.

Ra's: Indeed. You are Al Sah-him. You are Wareeth al Ghul. Heir to the demon.

Felicity: If you're gonna keep going out into the field, we should really design you some sort of...

Diggle: Do not say "costume."

Felicity: Okay. Identity concealment.

Lyla: John... What's the house rule?

Diggle: No Glocks on the dinner table.

Ra's: I can see now, you do not require a culling to solidify your reign. You have broken your rival, Al Sah-him. Something I wasn't able to do as an heir. Spilling her blood will only serve as gluttony. Now, perhaps... her blood could be of another purpose. As a means to unite our families. You as husband... and you as wife.

Nyssa: I would rather die then become his betrothed.

Ra's: Well, your wishes are no longer my concern from the moment you betrayed me. So you will marry Al Sah-him. And you will become bride of the demon.

Diggle: If there is even the possibility of this kind of danger to my city, I'm reporting for duty.

Oliver: Malcolm, we need help.

Merlyn: By all accounts, you were too good at allying yourself with Ra's and I don't think I carry much credibility with them.

Thea: Jason, I have a '67 Mustang that need a little work on it. Someone said you were the guy to see.

Roy: You came to the right place.

Laurel: So this is Nanda Parbat.

Felicity: Next time we should really look into getting some horses. You think they rent horses here?

Felicity: I can't believe he's gonna marry her.

Merlyn: You should worry more about getting out of here alive.

Ray: Is that even a remote possibility?

Laurel: Oliver would never let that happen.

Diggle: He let this happen.

Barry: [looking at the Lazarus Pit] You guys have a hot tub? Nice. [races to the dungeon where Team Arrow and Merlyn are being held.] Hey, guys. Wow! I mean, this is, like... a real dungeon.

Felicity: Barry.

Barry: Thank you, Felicity. You just outed my secret identity to a super-villain. [to Merlyn] No offence.

Merlyn: None taken. Now get us out of here!

Ra's: You were delivered by the prophecy. You wed my daughter. Your name is Al Sah-Him and you are Wareeth al Ghul!

Oliver: My name is Oliver Queen!

Ra's: Oliver Queen is dead. And soon, you will be, too!

Oliver: Felicity... I can't defeat Ra's al Ghul.

Felicity: Oliver Queen can't. The Arrow can't. Both those men tried and both those men failed. You remember what you said to me during that night in Nanda Parbat? You're no longer either of those men. You've become... someone else. Become something else. This... is different now. Because despite your best efforts, you've allowed yourself to feel something. I know you think that's a weakness, it's not. It's your key to beating Ra's. Don't fight to die. Fight to live.

Oliver: Be safe out there, okay?

Thea: As safe as anybody with a mask on can be. But, actually, I was thinking, um, maybe I can call myself the Red Arrow.

Oliver: Hmm. I think I already told everyone to call you Speedy.

Nyssa: At least admit this was your goal all along.

Merlyn: My only aspiration was to free myself of your fathers grasp. A feat we both managed to achieve.

Nyssa: I don't see how it was possible in your case.

Merlyn: When I was your father's captive three months ago, he tortured me with his blade.

Nyssa: And you survived because my father chose to release you.

Merlyn: Funny thing, prophecies.

Nyssa: Fate and my father have shown you mercy. I will not. You took Sara from me and I will have justice.

Merlyn: You are welcome to try. Until then... kneel before Ra's al Ghul.

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]

Eric: So where was I for fun time?

[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]

Eric: Yeah, I love the Bradys. Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?

Red: Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?

Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?

Hyde: That's my favorite.

Eric and Hyde: [to Shirley Jones] Hi, Mom!

Kitty: Mom?

Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.

Eric: We're Partridges now!

Hyde: This is gonna be great! I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!

Kitty: No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet!

[The guys enter a bar]

Eric: All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.

Fez: And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.

Hyde: Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.

Bud: So, fellas, school let out early?

Kelso: Yeah. We're just...

Eric: Kelso, shut up!

Kelso: Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!

Bud: Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?

Hyde: I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]

[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]

Donna: You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]

Eric: What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?

Donna: Why do you have these down here?

Eric: Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.

Donna: Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]

Eric: No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.

Donna: You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here [leaves room]

Eric: [to magazines] Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]

Kelso: You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn't know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, "Oh man! I'm in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]

Donna: Yeah, ok, I'm out of here.

Eric: Wait, but I thought we-

Donna: GET BENT!

Eric: Ok, I'll do that.

[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]

Fez: You can't kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!

Bob: Kill Midge? I didn't kill Midge. She's in Chicago visiting her sister.

Fez: Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?

Bob: Garbage, you idiot.

Hyde: Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn't!

Fez: Explain that, killer!

Bob: They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o'-lanterns.

Fez: So, you're hiding Midge's body in a jack-o'-lantern. Clever plan.

Bob: [walks over to the window] Look, there's Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]

Fez: Oh goody! You can go now.

Bob: Midgey! No! Cover yourself!

[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]

Announcer: And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...

Donna and Jackie: Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]

Announcer: Friend.

Kelso: Fix! Fix!

Jackie: I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!

Fez: And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.

Jackie: Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!

Kelso: Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]

Jackie: [Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.

Kelso: What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?

Jackie: Let's go, Fez [they leave]

Donna: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.

Kelso: What's the bright side?

Donna: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]

Eric: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.

Earl: [enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.

Mediator: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.

Earl: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a...

Red: Car?

Earl: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?

Mediator: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.

Red: None taken.

Eric: That's kind of his thing.

Mediator: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.

Red: Yes, sir!

Eric: Way to go, Dad!

Earl: Damn... dog.

Mediator: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.

Red: Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]

Eric: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.

Red: [obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]

Eric: Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!

Red: [reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn't food – this is what food eats!

[Donna faces Shelly over panties found in Eric's car]

Donna: Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!

Shelly: Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.

[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]

Donna: So these are some other girl's panties?!

Kelso: Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!

Shelly: You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [Walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.

Eric: Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.

Midge: [walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.

Kelso: ERIC! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!

Donna: [sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?

Fez: [interrupts Midge] And please be specific.

Midge: Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]

Kitty: Look what I've got!

Laurie: Ew. What's that?

Kitty: That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.

Laurie: Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?

Kitty: Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.

Red: Oh? Then I'll do it.

Kitty: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.

Eric: Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!

Red: Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?

Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?

[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]

Hyde: All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?

Jackie: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.

Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]

Fez: Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?

Kelso: Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and...Hyde, help me out here.

Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.

Kelso: Hyde.

Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.

Hyde: Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.

Jackie: Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?

Hyde: Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.

My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]

When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]

Die away from me.

Donna: [enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!

Hyde: Sayonara. [goes to basement room]

Jackie: [stunned] Donna...never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?

Donna: Because you're stalking him, Jackie.

Jackie: No, really, Donna!

[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]

Kitty: Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.

Red: Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.

Donna: Well I hope you're all happy, 'cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.

Eric: [surprised] Wait? What?

Donna: Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so... congratulations. [walks away]

Eric: Oh my God, I feel so bad.

Red: Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?

Eric: Wha...me? You coulda, you -

Red: Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.

Eric: Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.

Kitty: Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.

Red: Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.

Eric: Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]

Eric: [staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]

Red: Son of a bitch!

Kelso: [Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

[Eric is laying on the couch, hungover]

Eric: My head hurts.

Red: That's your own brain comprehending it's own stupidity.

Kitty:[On Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?

Eric: A fun one?

Red: Hey, Jim Beam, can it.

Donna: Ooh, it's kinda cold.

Eric: Here, take my jacket.

Donna: I love you.

Eric: God, we are such a... perfect couple.

Jackie: I'm cold, too.

Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!

[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]

Laurie: But now, I have found my passion: Hair!

Kitty: The musical?

Laurie: No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]

Laurie: I'm going to beauty school!

Kitty: This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?

Laurie: No! It's a real school!

Kitty: Oh. Well... yay!

Red: Congratulations, sweetheart!

[Laurie leaves in excitement.]

Red: Well, Kitty, what do you think?

Kitty: Eh.

Red: Yeah.

[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']

Kitty: Are you having fun?

Red: No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!

[Awkward silence.]

Kitty: [Laughs nervously]

[Everyone else laughs.]

[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]

Eric: Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]

Donna: Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.

Eric: Alright, fine. Okay.

[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]

Eric: Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.

Donna: How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?

Eric: Damn, you're smart. [Writes title down on paper.] "U.S.-Soviet Relations". [Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]

[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]

Hyde: Where's the tunes, Forman?

Fez: I learned how to speak English faster than this.

Kelso: It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]

Jackie: Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.

Kelso: Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?

Jackie: Oh, my God. I'm a thief.

Hyde: I think technically you're an accessory.

Eric: Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...

Jackie: Shut up!

[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]

Hyde: Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?

Donna: The best kind of special.

[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]

Fez: Something's wrong. I don't feel special.

Jackie: Me, neither.

Hyde: Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.

Eric: Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?

Donna: Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.

[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]

Ricky: May I help you, sir?

Red: Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.

Ricky: Let me take care of this right now. Earl!

Red: Oh, no. Did you say Earl?

Ricky: Just one second.

Earl: [walk out of kitchen] Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - [sees Red] Oh. Hi, Red.

Ricky: You two know each other?

Earl: I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.

Ricky: Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!

Earl: What did I do?

Red: Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.

[Having been hired at WFPP, Donna is introduced to her new job by the manager, Max, when the DJ, Jerry Thunder, comes on air]

Jerry Thunder: Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder [plays thunderclap sound effect] Coming to you on The Sound! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?

Donna: [speaks to mic] Um, Donna.

Jerry: Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.

Donna: Okay.

Jerry: You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?

Donna: [ignore Max' cutting gesture]Um... no.

Jerry: Mmm. That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!

Donna: Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.

Max: Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.

Donna: No way!

Max: Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.

Donna: Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.

[Switch to Eric's basement]

Eric: What the hell? I have a problem with this!

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.

[Kitty and Red start leaving]

Red: Kitty, that was bad.

Kitty: I know, keep walking.

[Kitty and Red finally leave]

Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?

Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.

Red: Really.

Kitty: Hmmm.

Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?

Eric: Yes sir.

Kitty: Are you good in math?

Red: What's the square root of x?

Eric: Um, I really can't answer that?

Red: A-HA!

Eric: No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.

Red: Is that right?

Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?

Eric: Yes.

Red: Are they as dumb as he is?

Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.

Red: Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb

Eric: So, I can go?

Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

[Red and Eric have taken Kitty square dancing to make up for missing her birthday]

Eric: This is awful.

Donna: She made me waffles, now promenade you son of a bitch!

Fez: While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

[Donna just told Jackie what Eric tried to do during their last 'session']

Jackie: He did? What the heck for?

Donna: I don't know. In what universe is that sexy?

Jackie: Only one... the skinny, pervert universe.

Donna: It was just so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves.

Jackie: You know, I bet it's because of that nudie flick they saw yesterday.

Donna: They went to an X-rated movie?

Jackie: Didn't Eric tell you?

Donna: No. God, why would Eric go see something like that? I mean, is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch other people do it?

Jackie: Donna, of course it is. It's okay.

[After Kitty and her sister, Paula, patch their differences]

Paula Sigurdson: Kitty, would you like a makeover?

Kitty: Oh, I really would.

Paula: Okay!

Kitty: [apprehensive] I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

[Kitty's not happy that Red, Eric, Hyde and Kelso joined the church fundraiser and rigged all the games]

Kitty: Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into Church without bursting into flames.

Donna: Take off your pants.

Eric: All right!

Donna: No! So I can see your tattoo!

Eric: I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]

Donna: Woodstock.

Eric: It says "Woodstock"?

Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

Mountie #1: What are you doing in Canada?

Leo: What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]

Hyde: We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]

Eric: Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]

Kelso: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!

Fez: Me no speakas English.

Mountie #1: What's your business in Canada?

Leo: What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]

Eric: We're... getting beer.

Kelso: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]

Fez: Me no understando.

Mountie #2: What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?

Leo: What's your re-

Mountie #1 Shut up!

Hyde: Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.

Mountie #1: Been there.

Mountie #2: Done that.

Eric: Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!

Kelso: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?

Fez: Wee foobie dibbie doobie.

Mountie #1: Wee foobie...

Mountie #2: Dibbie doobie...

Mountie #2: Now, Leave Canada Please. [The boys and Leo walk out, with Leo doing one last retort]

Leo: You Leave Canada Please.

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]

Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.

Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.

Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?

Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!

Donna: [after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?

Eric: Are you giving back that ring?

Donna: Yes.

Eric: Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]

Nancy: [looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.

Andy: And green tea.

Shane: Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.

Andy: Shut up!

Nancy: Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?

Silas: That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.

Andy: Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.

Nancy: Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?

Andy: He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

Lenny: Excuse me. who the hell are you, bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of Grandma? With Not-Francie, no less.

Shane: Who?

Lenny: It's your mother. Never mind.

Shane: Her name is Nancy.

Andy: He knows that. He just won't say it.

Silas: Who's Francie?

Lenny: That's the woman your father should've married.

Andy: Why are you always such a prick to me?

Lenny: I'm just not sure you're mine, so I keep an emotional distance.

Andy: If only that were true and I wasn't looking at the Ghost of Hanukkah Future, fighting the urge to throw myself off a cliff.

Lenny: [complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.

Andy: Father of the year.

Lenny: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.

Andy: It was Boba Fett.

Lenny: I don't even know what that means!

[while in the back of the van discussing pulling the plug on Bubbe}

Silas: Yeah, sure, death is no big deal and life is just blah blah blah.

Andy: Look Silas, life is just blah blah blah. You hope for blah, and sometimes you find it; but mostly it's blah, and waiting for blah, and hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you have the whole blah damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah…

(Doug walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)

Doug: What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny: Is that her pimp?

Shane: My mom is not a prostitute!

Lenny: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?

Shane: No!

Lenny: A Costco?

Shane: No!

Lenny: Is she a coke dealer?

Shane: Um...no. (Doug walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)

Doug: What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny: Weed! Your mothers a weed dealer!

Shane: Give me back her money.

Doug: Hey, dude. What's going on?

Shane: [Silas is putting is grow-house in his room] Teenage rebellion.

Doug: Fuck, yeah! Stick it to the old people.

Shane: What are you doing here?

Doug: Eating cereal.

Shane: I mean, why are you here in our house, Mr. Wilson? Where's your family?

Doug: My family left me, buddy. My life's a toilet. These corn flakes, they're old. My asshole is on fire. I hate myself. You happy now?

Nancy: [looks around the table at everyone, who are all injured in some way] So... [laughs] We've had a trying couple of weeks. We lost our homes. A Bubbie. But we have this food. This lovely roof over our heads, recent bee infestation excluded, which my father-in-law has offered up at a ridiculously inflated price. I've had a particularly challenging last 24 hours. But... Ah... But in the drive-through at Popeyes I found myself saying, "Family combo, please." And it was a moment of clarity. What I mean to say is, I was thinking of you today. All of you. Andy, I think in the past I've dismissed you as being the kind of guy you couldn't really count on and I was wrong. You've been a rock to this family. We need you. Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you to our country. I hope you get to stay. Keep a low profile. Blend. Shane, I've been unavailable to you and that's rotten. I will be more present. Silas, you've taken on more responsibility in a time of upheaval and it's been admirable. We still need to talk about the GED. Doug, I'm sorry. You and Dana are having problems. But you need to find a place of your own to live. And you need to seek medical attention. And finally, maybe, um... possibly... Wow. I owe an apology to the woman to my right. I left her holding a very big bag. It was not my finest hour. I'm sorry Celia. All of us are sorry.

Doug: [to old woman in bar] Listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt...

El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.

Andy: [to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.

Doug: I pictured him taller.

El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls. I will shoot your belly...and feed you to the sewer rats.

Doug: Does that mean that I can go?

Doug: I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.

Andy: What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...

Doug: I bought it, Andy. It sucked.

Raul: "El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?

Doug: People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.

Andy: That's the one, Raul.

Raul: We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

Doug: [to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

Andy: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.

[Doug nods in agreement]

Andy: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.

Doug: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

Minute-Man Leader: [about the smuggled Mexicans] Wait, give me one...so my day is not a total loss.

Andy: "Give you one"?! These are people!

Doug: Just, just give him the guy that hugged me, he's annoying. Hombre, up and go. Let's go. Here, come on. Let's go. Out. [the Mexican runs away as soon as Doug pulls him out of the car]

Minute-Man Leader: [to Doug] Get the fuck out of here! [laughs in joy as he heads off with his gun to chase the Mexican]

[after Maria (Mermex) doesn't want to have sex with him]

Doug: It's bullshit. I spent 25 years with a woman who didn't put out. I deserve some.

Andy: It's been one day.

Doug: And a half.

Andy: [about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.

Doug: How do I do that?

Andy: You talk to her.

Doug: Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?

Andy: About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.

Doug: She's an orphan?

Andy: Yeah.

Doug: Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

[after Doug doesn't care he accidentally stepped on a sand castle]

Kid: You're a bad man.

Doug: You're a bad castle builder.

Celia: [to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.

Drug rehab secretary: We ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.

Celia: What seems to be the problem?

Drug rehab secretary: You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.

[to the drug rehab secretary about not having insurance]

Celia: Don't you have a work program? I could do...dishes, landscaping...

Drug rehab secretary: I'm sorry, Celia. What we pay our help in a year won't cover a week here.

Maria (Mermex): He is a terrible man.

Andy: What? Doug? Come on. He's a great guy.

Maria (Mermex): He is a criminal.

Andy: He's an accountant.

Maria (Mermex): A thief, who has abandoned his wife and family and wants to make me his whore.

Andy: A CPA with legal problems who's going through a divorce and is wildly in love with you.

Maria (Mermex): He has warts on his genitals.

Andy: Yeah, I got nothing to that.

Celia: I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.

Drug rehab's group counselor: [after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.

Maria (Mermex): [grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.

Andy: No, no. It's just windy out.

Maria (Mermex): I do not think it is the wind.

Andy: [trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!

Doug: As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?

Andy: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.

Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.

Celia: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.

[Ricky slams on the brakes in front of the bank]

Bubbles: (to camera) Did you see that fuckin' skid?

[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]

Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fuckin' light up in the bank!

Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! Thirty-eight grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

[standing in line in the bank]

Ricky: I grew the fuckin' dope, it's my fuckin' money!

Bubbles: You can't scream 'dope' out in the bank.

Ricky: Dope! Dope! Dopety-fuckin'-dope-dope!

Bubbles: Here's security.

Ricky: Fuck.

Julian: Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.

Bubbles: Perfect!

Julian: I can explain this.

Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fuckin' cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leavin'!

Ricky: Holy fuck that's good pepperoni!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Lahey]

Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand-new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

Lahey: That'll cost you, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Lahey: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.

[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]

Lahey: Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Lahey: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5000 down.

Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuckronauts.

Lahey: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shitbat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow. That's some fuckin' collateral, isn't it?

Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?

Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.

Lahey: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Ricky: Gimme a fuckin' pen!

Lahey: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

[Lahey hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]

Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fuckin' thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.

Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but...You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fuckin' stall on ya' and it pisses you off!

Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her.

[the Shitmobile stalls out]

Ricky: Yeah, you know what's comin', don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!

Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that ol' Yorker. (unwraps a Tootsie Pop) Purple.

Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.

Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.

Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?

Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.

Ricky: And I'm a fuck off-er.

Lawyer: Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)

Ricky: What the hell is this?

Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.

Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.

Bubbles: Three years' child support payments you owe, Ricky.

Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies makin' up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?

Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, OK?

Ricky: Some do!

Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.

Ricky: (over megaphone) Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college readin' and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be bangin' him!

Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fuckin' fireworks! Come on!

[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]

Ricky: All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?

Lucy: Yeah, what?

Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?

Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.

Lucy: I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.

Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]

Ricky: Just a second, buddy.

[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]

Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.

Ricky: (to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fuckin' filming me in here.

[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]

Bubbles: The fuck are you filmin' him pee for?

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera.

[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]

Ricky: (to camera) Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]

Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand-new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

Mr. Lahey: All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.

Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like 9 years old.

Lahey: Where's the five grand, Ricky?

Ricky: It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for a 'Ricky'? I have his encyclopedias.

Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!

Ricky: So what's the damage?

Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

Ricky: What? For a bunch of fuckin' books?

Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Ricky: Oh no, shhshhshh no no no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fuckin' printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Lahey: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Ricky: Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Lahey: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the encyclopedia saleswoman]

Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissin' time, man! Right on!

Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah: My God, Lucy let's... let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.

Ricky: Let's fuckin' get this over with, Lahey.

Lahey: (unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

Lahey: Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)

Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Ricky: Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Lahey a peck on the ass]

Randy: That's enough!

Trevor: I can't believe he did that!

Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's friggin' gross, right?

Lahey: (barely containing his laughter) Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Julian: Leave him alone.

Bubbles: Nobody really knows Ricky the way I do. I just hope he's all right after putting his lips on Mr. Lahey's bum.

[watching an episode of The Littlest Hobo]

Ricky: Every stop I make, I make a new friend...

Ricky: I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over 2 years.

Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say...'Uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that.' I don't give a fuck.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Bubbles: Who's there Ricky?

Ricky: A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation

Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?

Ricky: Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.

Julian: Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy: You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

Ricky: It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy: It's still my walkie!

Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "it's my walkie now", second thing is "you're suspended", and the fourth thing was, "fuck off".

Mr. Lahey: Strike 3, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Mr. Lahey: Ricky..

[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]

Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!

[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

Donnie: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]

Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!

[During a 'confessional']

Ricky: Trinity has got to quit smoking, like I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.

[Ricky is training Cory and Trevor to steal gasoline.]

Ricky: Unleaded: blue container; supreme: red container; diesel: in the green. OK? Are we clear here, guys?

Trevor: Yeah, but how can you tell which one is the supreme?

Ricky: (Breathes out heavily) What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Bubbles: Stealing gas? Why, Cory and Trevor, that's highly illegal, you shouldn't be stealing gas, Cory and Trevor.

Ricky: Yeah, it's fucked up to be stealing gas like Cory and Trevor, I don't want anything to do with Cory and Trevor's gas stealing.

J-ROC: Only wack suckas like Cory and Trevor steal gas...and deal dope.

Ricky: Simply went in to buy some patches for my daughter and all of a sudden my gun was out, which is no big deal, and he overreacts, freaks out, thought we were robbing the place. It's on fuckin' video camera, so since it's on video camera I decided that we should take a bit of shit. If we're gonna go to jail for robbing the place, I mean it's...[a dog starts barking in the background] Will you shut the fuck up, dog! [the dog yelps] gonna be, you know, in a place that looks like you robbed it, you might as well take some shit. That's the way it is. I'm not going to jail for not taking anything, for robbing a place. So we took a bit of stuff!

Judge: Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.

Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my Grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, and I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked! And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit! It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' mistrial.

Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone...Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!

Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.

[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]

Ricky: Let's go, smokes!

Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!

Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me!

Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of God...

[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]

Judge: Just the defendant, please.

Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face because it's distraculating my case.

Ricky: The defense rests, everybody can fuck off. Except you (points to the magistrate) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor). (to cameraman) Could you guys get the fuck out of the way? Please!

J-ROC: There's two things mafuckas gotta know about J-to-the-R-O-C, straight up, you know what I'm sayin'? First of all, I spin more rhymes than a Lazy Susan and I'm innocent until my guilt is proven. Peace. Representin' Sunnyvale, straight the fuck up.

[Bubbles' Rap]

I got a grey kitty,a white one and a tabby too/

And a big orange guy who put snakes in my shoes/

Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'm hard as fuck/

I am down with Plato and Socrates/

And I like to get busy with all the ladies./

cunt, cunt/

somethin', somethin', somethin', somethin'/

Grunt/

Up in my shed, up in my shed...yeah bitches

J-Roc: Turn that shit off, motherfucka! I was gettin' changed, you knowemsayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!

Bubbles: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera. (to J-Roc) What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?

J-Roc: I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!

Ricky: Changed my ass, you were fuckin' crankin' it!

J-Roc: You non-knockin' mothafuckas!

Ricky: That was fucked.

Bubbles: That was a bit fucked.

J-Roc: It wasn't that fucked, you knowemsayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?

Julian: Listen man, I got some good news for ya... get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.

J-Roc: A'ight. (pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he 'changed' with) Peace, Bub.

Bubbles: Don't touch me.

J-Roc: You ma-fuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was getting changed, right?

Bubbles: No! Christ, no.

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K", and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!

Bubbles: I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.

Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.

Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R...

Bubbles: Lahey, will you please get the flyin' fuck out of our way! We gotta go get Rush tickets!

[Ricky drives the Shitmobile through the garbage]

Randy: Ricky!

[Bubbles gives Lahey and Randy the finger to the opening riff of "Limelight"]

[Randy over phone/radio after stealing Bubbles' answer and winning the Rush radio contest]

Randy: Holy fuck, Mr. Lahey, we won!

Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?

Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?

Ricky: That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.

[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]

Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!

Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!

Julian: All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.

[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]

Cory: Nice!

Ricky: You sure about this?

Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!

Cory: That's cool.

Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.

Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?

[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]

Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?

[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]

Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles: Ricky, you fuckin' promised me you'd get me a Rush ticket!

Ricky: It wasn't my fault, Bubbles. I'm sorry!

Bubbles: It is your fault! This could affect our friendship, you know!

Ricky: Bubbles, don't talk like that!

Bubbles: COCKSUCKER!

Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?

Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!

Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

Julian: Don't do anything stupid, Ricky.

Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. He probably won't do anything stupid, Julian.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]

Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.

Ricky: How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?

[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]

Ricky: Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.

Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Alex Lifeson: Look, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.

Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!

Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.

(voice-over)

Ricky: He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'You can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off.

(end of voice-over)

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]

Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!

[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]

Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!

Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.

[They walk into the lobby]

Ricky: Hotel Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Ricky: I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but he very well could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.

Alex Lifeson: Where are we?

Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?

Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.

Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!

Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.

Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!

Alex Lifeson: I don't do that kind of stuff!

Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this kind of shit!

Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!

Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...

Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time for this.

Ricky: No, I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?

Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and "stole" a human being!

Ricky: It's like a little rehearsal. You play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dreamworld or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playing your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?

Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...

Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.

Julian: Ricky... Ricky...This...You're from Rush.

Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is Ju... ah, Gord, uh, Downie. (to Julian) This is Alex. Hey, play 'I Like To Rock'.

Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.

Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song! Just fuckin' play somethin'!

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]'

Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

Alex Lifeson: OK. It's all right.

Ricky: Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!

[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cabbie where to go]

Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...

Alex Lifeson: (to cabbie) I'm going downtown.

Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another $1.36 there, dicktree.

[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick them up]

Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!

Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, wouldja?

Julian: You fucked up big time.

[Alex gives Ricky the finger as the cab drives off]

Ricky: (to Alex) Yeah, fuck off.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

Ricky: He fuckin' started it.

Julian: No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?

Ricky: Julian, look. I fucked up and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?

[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

Ricky: This is fucked up, Julian.

Julian: Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun man.

Bubbles: This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

Julian: You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Yes, I wanna see Rush.

Julian: Get down there. You want me to go next?

Bubbles: Please. What if something gets me?

Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage, during the guitar changes?

Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy: Never do.

Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

Mr. Lahey: He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the wintertime.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

Mr. Lahey: How did you idiots get in here?!

Bubbles: [to Alex] Hi, Alex.

Ricky: Don't worry about it, Lahey.

Alex Lifeson: Hey, I know this guy.

Bubbles: See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' t-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

Randy: I don't wear- [Bubbles attempts to put the t-shirt over Randy's head] frig off!

Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the t-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

Mr. Lahey: [To the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

Donny: [off-screen] WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I thought we had a deal here! No cops?

Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.

[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]

Randy: Alex, we're on in four...

Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.

Randy: I'm fuckin' tellin'!

[Randy runs out of the room]

Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!

Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!

Ricky: Fuckin' dicks...

Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break, here. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!

Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Mr. Lahey: Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.

Ricky: (attempts to take the phone out of Lahey's hand) Give me the fuckin' phone.

Mr. Lahey: Ricky is a low-shit system-

(Ricky takes the phone out of Lahey's hand)

Ricky: Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'- ah, this fuckin' thing. (throws away the phone)

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Mr. Lahey: Julian, I'm collecting paperwork and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian. Like a shithawk. (to Bubbles) Like a shithawk. Come on, Randy. (walks off screen)

Bubbles: Julian, what's a shithawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?

Julian: Bubbles, shithawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Bubbles: Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

Julian: No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man. There's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that. Everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him. (walks off screen)

Bubbles: Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shithawks flyin' around, shitropes comin' after me. Shitty this and shitty that.

Bubbles: Check this baby out...that there's called the Super Double Bunk BQ...built that myself...like to see that Red Blue Green cocksucker put one of those together...Duct-taping it.

Bubbles: Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids, not to allow goofballs like you to put them in a car with no door on it and drive around the fuckin' neighbourhood stealin' barbecues!

Ricky: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

Mr. Lahey: It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Mr. Lahey: We were practicing, Randy.

Randy: It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

Mr. Lahey: Randy...

Randy: We're consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is...is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: (quietly) Randy, please.

Randy: And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun...and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!

Ricky: (shocked) What?

Randy: Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Mr. Lahey: Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody...I'm gay.

[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

Randy: I'm making Mr. Lahey some comfort food. I picked these buttercups and froze them in ice cubes, I saw it on "Designer Guys"... great show!

J-Roc: Hey look T, it's Starsky and Gut!

J-Roc: I gotta question for you if you know what I'm sayin'. Free Willy, do cheeseburgers ever blow out of that blowhole of yours?

Ricky: The fastest way to get money is to steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances.

: Well Rick, looks like you cooked your shit goose this time, doesn't it?

Mr. Lahey: See this line?

[Lahey draws a line across the ground with a stick]

Mr. Lahey: That's the freedom line, Ricky. You come back over that line, and you go to jail.

Ricky: Uh? Like what, like this?

[Ricky continuously goes back and forth over the line]

Ricky: Like that? Am I going to jail now? Huh?

Ricky: Once a criminal, always a criminal, huh? That's what everybody thinks? Cause if that's the case, I might as well just march my ass back to jail. Where it's nice and warm. I'm gonna spend the fuckin' winter there, getting drunk and stoned, with good dope.

Mr. Lahey: Is that the end of the great Sunnyvale Trailer Park eviction speech, Ricky?

Ricky: Actually, it's not. Hope you're fuckin' proud of yourself, cause the end of my speech is (points middle finger at Lahey) fuck you, (points middle finger at Randy) fuck you, (points middle finger at Erica) fuck you, (points middle finger at Julian) fuck you, fuck everybody!

Julian: Ricky, don't worry about this stuff, okay? Cory and Trevor, they're going to get the money. So smarten up, man. Enough of this crazy shit, Rick.

Ricky: You just don't get it, do you?

Julian: What?

Ricky: Have fun on your little cop cruise, all right? Just remember what you gave up: A fuckin' guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with, didn't ask any fuckin' questions about nothin', just hang out and have a good fuckin' time. We broke the law here and there, we made what we did to get by. Just remember, you gave that up for a fuckin' girlfriend, buddy. A fuckin' cop girlfriend. I know I won't forget it. Thanks a lot. (to Bubbles) Sorry, buddy. You have a good time on the cruise. You deserve it. Everybody else can fuck off!

Bubbles: That was a good speech, Ricky.

[Ricky stops at a gas station with a cigarette]

Jacob: Excuse me, sir. Could you please step 20 feet away from the pump and extinguish your cigarette?

Ricky: Can you please fuck off? Thank you.

[Ricky stops at a Tim Horton's parking lot and climbs on top of his car, trying to get arrested]

Ricky: Hey everybody! Come on over here, please? [Ricky grabs a few people's attention] I just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck, driving around town drunk, I'm on dope, and I want you to call the police. I wanna go back to jail. Please? [Ricky pulls out his handgun] Not only that, but I got a loaded hand gun right here. I'm gonna start firing this off. So please call the cops. [Ricky fires two shots as the people run away]

Ricky: "Closed for renovations"?! This is fucked!

[Attempting to distract Ricky]

Bubbles: Holy fuck, have you guys ever tried that dope-flavoured rum?

[Video opens with Bubbles & Julian running over to Ricky who is passed out, face down in the driveway.]

Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky! Ricky, get up!

Julian: Ricky, get up!

Bubbles: Ah, he's drunk as hell, Julian! We gotta go steal a motor, Ricky.

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Gord's gonna give us some chicken if we get him a new motor.

Ricky: How much chicken?

Gord: One bucket.

Ricky: One bucket, are you fucked in the head? I can easily fuck over like 10 pieces of chicken...not one bucket.

Bubbles: Oh, we didn't know you meant one bucket. I can eat a fuckin' bucket myself.

Ricky: Alright, here's the deal...I want two buckets of chicken...I want some gravy, mashed potatoes, fries...

Bubbles: Yeah, macaroni salad...

Julian: Chocolate cake...

Bubbles: Warm buns, butter, coleslaw...

Gord: One... bucket.

Ricky: Two buckets of chicken and a drive to the liquor store.

Gord: Deal.

Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?

[all look over at Dennis]

Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?

Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?

Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Charlie: Domino, biatch!

Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?

Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.

Black Student: Bout to bust that shit up Reece, Bout to bust that shit up Boy!

Mac: Absolutely.

[Students stare at Mac]

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!

Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?

Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.

Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.

Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.

Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?

Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

[Tommy spits in Charlie's face]

Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!

Tommy: I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black person's hospital.

Charlie: Wow, extremely racist!

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.

Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.

Charlie: I guess.

Mac: Well, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.

Charlie: That is true.

Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.

Dee: Hello, Stephen.

Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.

Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.

Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.

Mac: You abused alcohol, and that's okay, that's okay, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!

Dee: No, I don't like where this is headed.

Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.

Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.

Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?

Trey: I was eight.

Dee: Right...Yeah...

Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine Cannalan said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timmy at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because she thought Trey secretly liked Erin Hennebrary. But Trey didn't like Erin Hennebrary, it was all a bunch of bull.

[Sweet Dee approaches]

Dee: Whats going on here? Who is that?

Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic broke up with Tammy because Marine-

Mac: Okay, you know what dude you gotta stop.

Dennis: I don't get it Sweet Dee, There are tons of women in this city; where do they mate with these gorrillas?

Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.

Dennis: Oh I see.

Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, okay? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!

Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!

Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!

Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!

Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?

Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.

Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?

Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!

Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!

Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.

Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.

Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.

Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?

Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]

Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.

Mac: No way!

Dennis:[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Dennis: Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!

Dennis: We're really sorry Charlie, but it was dark, we didn't know it was you... and you were robbing the register.

Charlie: Yeah... still wish you hadn't shot me.

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.

Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.

Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.

Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.

Mac: [To Dennis handing him a photo] : Dude, Your Grandpa's a Nazi!

Mac: That guy is dead.

Charlie: Okay, okay. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You jackholes are securing your places in hell.

Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.

Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?

Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.

Dennis: That's great!

Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?

Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.

Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.

Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.

Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.

Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.

Dennis: Doctor.

Charlie: You guys cannot say that he molested you!

Ryan: Why not?

Charlie: Because he didn't molest you!

Ryan: That's true, but he's a (Bleep), and we hated him.

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?

Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.

Dee: Seriously.

Charlie: Where's your brother dude?

Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.

Charlie: Alright li-listen, you guys can't go... did you just say we?

Liam: What?

Charlie: Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?

Liam: I said "he."

Daniel: You guys know Lindsay?

Nick: Yeah, you were in my English class last year. You were the chick that got an A, right?

Lindsay: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

Ken: I don't know. What are you gonna do?

Lindsay: Are you guys going to the homecoming dance?

Ken: Excuse me?

Daniel [to Lindsay] : That's funny. It's a joke, right?

Lindsay: My dad's kinda makin' me go.

Nick: Your dad's makin' you go to the dance? What's that all about?

Ken: Who's your dad? Hitler?

Neal: [to Sam] The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader. You've seen "Star Wars" 27 times. You do the math.

Nick: Check it out man, that's uh 14 mounted toms, 8 floor toms, 4 splashes, 2 gongs, 10 cowbells , 4 rides, 5 snares, a rototom rack, and it's all mounted on my infamous quadruple kick drum system. Six more pieces and I got a bigger set than Neil Peart from Rush, yeah.

Lindsay: That's great Nick.

Nick: Teachers want us to work, and I say, "Fine, I'll work. But you've gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do." And for me, it's my drum kit, man. This is my passion. This is the essence of who I am now. But before I had this, I was lost, too. You see what I'm saying? You need to find your reason for living. You've gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit.

Kim: Why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich?

Harold: I had a friend who used to smoke. Know what he's doing now? He's dead. You think smoking looks cool, let's go dig him up and see how cool he looks now.

[Later at dinner]

Harold: You know, there was a girl in our school... and she had premarital sex. Know what she did on her graduation day? Died! Of a heroin overdose!

Sam: Dad? Are any of your friends alive?

Harold: The smart ones.

Lindsay: All my new friends think I'm some goody-two-shoes and all my old friends think I'm throwing my life away. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Lindsay: Well, my house is so boring looking...so I just wanted to make it look more party-like.

Ken: Well I'll tell you how to make it look more party-like. Point me to the keg.

Nick: Oh yeah.

Lindsay: In the corner.

Ken: Then I am in the corner.

Harold: I guess you'd prefer we listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience! Yep, that's what I wanna do. Spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment...Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.

Sam: No. But he died on the toilet.

Harold: Well, that's paradise compared to where the Sex Pistols are gonna end up.

Sam: What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill: It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal: Alcohol?

Bill: Yeah.

Sam: Keg of beer, please.

Liquor Store Clerk: Don't see that happening.

Neal: Oh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.

Liquor Store Clerk: Oh, really? No!

Sam: Please? We really need it!

Liquor Store Clerk: What for?

Neal: We're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.

Liquor Store Clerk: Righteous!

Bill: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Hold on, I'm gonna put the phone on my bionic ear. That's-that's better. No, don't talk so loud! Don't forget, I've got bionic hearing.

Kim: Kid, what the hell are you eating? Is that laundry soap?

Millie: It's lick-a-maid.

Daniel: Knock it off, blondie. You're gonna blow the speakers.

Kim: Oh, I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

Bill: Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts.

Harold: Last time I had this much fun, I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.

Ken: Would you quit it, you're making me sick!

Daniel: Why don't you make out with Nicky, and we'll call it a foursome?

Ken: Yeah, why don't you make out with my butt, and we'll call it love?

Karen: I guess I'm just gonna have to mark this locker again. This time in geek blood.

Millie: I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom.

Lindsay: What? She does what? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Millie: She does it.

Lindsay: What do you mean, it?

Millie: She fornicates it!

Bill: I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.

Sam: What am I supposed to do with a porno?

Neal: You watch it. Over and over.

Sam: Ew, only perverts watch pornos, right?

Neal: Well, then every guy in America is a pervert.

Harold: She's hanging with a bad crowd. She's lying and cheating and next thing you know, she's Patty Hearst with a gun to our heads.

Neal: What is wrong with them? Why do they think that hitting people with towels is so funny?

Bill: If it wasn't us, it would be kind of funny.

Sam: Will girls ever like us?

Neal: I think our best play is to go for the smart, sexy librarian type.

Bill: Stop looking up my shorts.

Neal: Why would we? There's nothing to see.

Sam: Just keep climbing, Wonder Woman.

Bill: There is something to see.

Neal: My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.

Bill: But you're not funny.

Neal: Screw you. I'm hilarious!

Daniel: Rock 'n roll don't come from your brain. It comes from your crotch.

Jean: Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex?

Harold: Sex?! Well, okay.

Harold: You can hardly stand to be around us. When you two were kids, you used to run around naked and lay in bed with us all night. We bathed you and we cleaned your butts when you pooped and we loved it. Now, we try to pat you on the head and you run for the hills. Well, I'm fed up. We are going to be close from now on whether you like it or not. We're going to spend quality time together, and we're going to enjoy it, damn it!

Daniel: I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?

Ken: I just want to be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

Sam: So this is what having a girlfriend is gonna be like? She is your best friend, she is beautiful, you can say and do anything in front of her.

Neal: Well, my dad always says that's what something what women want you to think before you marry them. That's how they suck you in.

Bill: [after Maureen changed the menu to read "Pan Fried Butts"] How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

Mr. Kowchevksi: All right, kids, hurry to class. Last one to class, first one on welfare. It's your choice.

Daniel: Lindsay... I think it's really great that you and Nick are going out.

Lindsay: Yeah. Me too.

Daniel: No, I mean it. Nick's a great guy. We give him a hard time, but you know... he's the man. I just think it's really great you guys are going out. He's a really great guy.

Lindsay: Yeah, I know.

Daniel: Nick's a stud. You know? I mean, he may not seem like it, but he is.

Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don't you have something to do?

Daniel: Right, but I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.

Ms. Yeats: Oh, be still my beating heart.

Daniel: [whispers to Lindsay] I like that dress.

Nick: Hey, man, I heard Kim got an A on her world civ test. That's great. Oh, no, that's right, that was MY girlfriend. Ohhh...

Daniel: That's really funny.

Nick: Oh, you know what though? Lindsay got detention for flipping off her gym teacher. Oh no, that's right, that was YOUR girlfriend. Oh ho ho...

Daniel: I heard Kim punched you in the chest really hard. Oh, whoops, that was me. [Daniel punches Nick.]

Nick: That was really hard.

Sam: Cindy is not abnormal.

Bill: Yeah? She cut the cheese.

Neal: Oh my God.

Sam: That's not funny.

Bill: I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.

Sam: Well, some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?

Bill: I don't know. Vinyl?

Sam: Vinyl chairs always squeak.

Bill: It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

Nick: See, Lindsay. Nothing 'bout you and me should ever be rushed. I made that mistake before, but I'm not gonna make it with you. Cause we've got time. We've got all the time in the world. And you know why? [singing] Cause you're my lady of the morning. Love shines in your eyes. Sparkling, clear and lovely. [speaking] You're my lady. See, Lindsay. We were made for each other.

Lindsay: You wanna make out or something?

Nick: No. All guys wanna make out. But I just wanna hold you. [holds her] What's better than this?

Daniel: These jocks think they're such badasses. Like they cured cancer or something.

Cindy: Remember when I told you I had a crush on Todd?

Sam: Yeah.

Cindy: Well I don't.

Sam: Really?

Cindy: It's more like an obsession.

Neal: Being the school mascot has always been my dream.

Bill: Yeah. Since lunch.

Ken: [hit by water balloons] That better have been water. That's all I'm sayin'.

Sam: Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?

Neal: Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.

Bill: Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poophead. You love patting boys butts. You love patting boys butts, butt. You butt patter. You're a perv, and a loser, and a stinky turd.

Neil: Smooth move, Alexander Graham Bell.

Mr. Weir: We are not robots and things do not need to change. I like how things are! I like eating the same things. You know why? Because those are the things I like! I like chicken. And I like pot roast. And, that's how I feel about you Jean.

Mrs. Weir: Oh please. You like me like you like a pot roast?

Mr. Weir: I love pot roast!

Mr. Weir: You think I don't appreciate you? Well, I do. Everything I do I do to serve you. I think of you when I'm stocking fishing poles. I think of you when I'm answering questions about cross country ski wax. My whole life is about serving you. And I love you, Jean.

Daniel: Am I a loser?

Harris: You're not a loser because you're having sex. But if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.

Neal: Oh my god! I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.

Bill: It's a Parisian night suit in case you didn't know.

Gordon: A Parisian! Ooh la la!

Neal: It's not a Parisian. It's a jumpsuit. My grandfather in Florida wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.

Kowchevski: Ladies, this is just for tomorrow's scrimmage. This isn't the last chopper out of Saigon. Can we please just crank down the drama a notch?

Kim: Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things?

Daniel: I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.

Sam: Hey, Neal, I gotta go home. My parents are going to be worried.

Bill: Yeah, me too. My mom doesn't like to watch Dallas alone.

Neal: I'm just going to have my coffee now.

Bill: Is that before or after you shave?

Neal: Tell you one thing, when I get married, I'm never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.

Bill: I'd be happy just to get a wife. I don't think I want the kind that's gonna get old and fat.

Sam: I don't even know how you get one girl. How does anyone get two?

Neal: So I wake up this morning, and guess what's sitting at the foot of my bed?

Bill: A turd?

Neal: Yes Bill, a turd.

Bill: Eew!

Neal: An Atari!

Nick: What do people do when they're not stoned?

Ken: I dunno. Relate to one another?

Mr. Rosso: How dumb do I look?

Ken: Do you really wanna know?

Millie: You're high!

Lindsay: How could you tell?

Millie: I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.

Lindsay: God! We used to love Mac Davis, remember?

Millie: Yeah. You used to say you wished you had pillows stuffed with his hair.

Harold: OK, I'll tell you what Lindsay. I'll listen to this album and you can go to the concert if I don't find anything objectionable.

Lindsay: Thanks Dad. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Harold: Oh don't be so sure of yourself; I'll be listening to it backwards too!

Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal.

Lindsay: Are you copying Ken's homework?

Kim: Trying to. He writes like a mental patient.

Harold: [to Lindsay, about going to the concert] Alright, fine. Just keep those boys away from your accordion.

Neal: He's a gym teacher. There's no upward mobility.

Mr. Kowchevski: Why don't you go pick on someone your own size. There's a bus in the parking lot.

Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

Harold: By the way, that drummer you're listening to...

Nick: Yeah?

Harold: He's terrible!

Nick: What? That's Neil Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive!

Harold: Well, Neil Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag.

Neal: Everyone looks cool in turtle necks. That's the point! We can't both wear them; we'll look like the Smothers Brothers!

Nick: Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?

Harold: You know what the difference is between you and Nick? You're my daughter. Every second you're out of this house... every second that I can't see you... or know what you're doing... it's... it's absolute torture for me.

Lindsay: Dad... I can't stay inside all the time...

Harold: I know... Why not?

Sam: It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff.

Neal: I'd kill to be that bored.

Harold: Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!

Daniel: All right, fine, I'll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos.

Bill: Carlos the dwarf?

Daniel: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?

DJ: Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling "Disco sucks?" What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock 'n' roll" teaches you?

Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!

Harold: You're not lying, are you, Sam?

Sam: No.

Harold: 'Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don't you?

Sam: They end up getting killed in jail.

Harold: Right.

Lindsay: I don't know. Rosso's okay. And why would you want to ruin a mailbox?

Ken: I don't know. We gotta blow up something.

Daniel: Greetings princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain and you are free to rule your kingdom.

Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.

Lois: Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands

Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?

Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

[Lois soon smells cigarette smoke from Francis' side of the phone and realizes he is smoking again]

[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]

Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm: Mom, what?

Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese: Malcolm did it!

Malcolm: Reese did it!

Reese: I didn't do it!

Malcolm: I didn't do it!

Dewey: We're going to the dentist?

Lois: [sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.

Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese: [different time] I don't know.

Dewey: [different time] Don't know.

Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.

Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.

Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.

Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?

Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

[After cleaning up the house]

Reese: It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.

Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.

[The boys start messing up the house]

Reese: Cool, let's go tell him.

Malcolm: No. You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.

[Flashback, while Francis is at home and Lois is preparing dinner]

Lois: I am warning you, if you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it really. do you hear me.

[Francis smiles in defiance. He soon comes home with his nose pierced.]

Francis: Hey mom, what's for dinner?

[Flashback ends and Reese realises the full extent of Malcolm's warning]'

Reese: right.

Malcolm: What do you mean he's only seven?!

Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!

Malcolm: He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!

Nurse: He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...

Malcolm: That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...

[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]

Caroline: Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?

Kevin: [bawling] I want my Teletubby!

Malcolm: A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!

Caroline: You beat up a seven-year-old?

Malcolm: I didn't know!

Caroline: Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!

Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!

Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.

Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you-you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.

Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?

Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.

Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?

Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.

Dewey: An evil circus?

Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.

Dewey: Thank you.

Malcolm: Someone stole my friend's wheelchair.

Security Guard: What's it look like?

Malcolm: It's a chair... with wheels.

[Francis is hanging upside down]

Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis: I'm really not. No.

Stevenson: [dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis: I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

[Flashbacks occurs with Lois embarrassing a child Francis by yelling at the referee for a traveling foul. Then, it switches to a teenage Francis being more embarrassed by Lois as she shows his girlfriend his baby pictures in the photo album. Finally it switches to Lois in the boys locker room at Marlin Academy.]

Lois: [Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.

Francis: [flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

[The cult realizes the scare tactic wasn't working and decides to try something new. They replace the photo of a tormented man with a photo of Lois.]

Lois: All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.

Reese: OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.

Malcolm: [to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Lois: Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

[After finding out Francis escaped]

Malcolm: Mom, I think he's okay. [Lois looks up, Malcolm turns to the camera] Uh-oh, tactical error.

Hal: What do you mean?

Malcolm: I mean, he's always okay.

Hal: Malcolm, I know you like Francis as much as we do, so if you have any idea...

Lois: Oh, for God's sake. [to Malcolm] WHERE IS HE!

Malcolm: He came here to see Beebee. He's meeting her tonight. [to the camera] Oh my God, how did she do that?

Lois: I knew it. When did you talk to him?

Malcolm: Don't look at her eyes. Don't look at her... [Lois grabs Malcolm's head to face towards her] This morning and Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?

Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.

Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Malcolm: No.

Dewey: I can.

Malcolm: [about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Hal comes home to see Reese and Malcolm kneeling with their noses against a door]

Hal: Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?

Reese: Another hour.

Hal: Yeaow.

Malcolm: It's been ten days since Mom lost her job.

Lois:[Confronting Mr. Pinter] Yes, I guess we do. For instance, I think it's wrong for you to put your name in sales reports you didn't write. I think it's wrong you keep a bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer. I think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife.[Mr. Pinter is concerned when Lois mentioned his affair with their boss' wife.] And you want to know something, you don't even have to worry about it because I think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing. You know you should be glad that I'm the only one who knows this stuff about you. Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second. God, I'm so much better than you.

[Lois walks away and Mr. Pinter thinks he is safe since she is the only one who knows his secret. He then catches the attention of Craig and the other employees who had heard in on the conversation. Their grins implies they intend to tell the district manager of his affair with his wife. Mr. Pinter turns around and quits.]

[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]

Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey: [hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese: What are you doing?

Dewey: [continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese: Cut it out!

Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese: Knock it off, you little...

Lois: [from the other room] REESE! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!

Reese: I didn't do anything!

Lois: No!

Reese: He was lying!

[Dewey takes Reese's spot]

Malcolm: [to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.

Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.

Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!

Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.

[Scene switches to the kitchen]

Lois: What book report?

Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. [to the camera] Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.

Lois: So what's the report on?

Malcolm: A Tale of Two Cities.

Lois: Oh, how many words?

Malcolm: 750.

Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?

Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.

Lois: When did you get that?

Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. [to the camera] Oh, nice one.

Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.

Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.

Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?

Malcolm: Charles Dickens.

Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.

Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.

Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?

Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.

Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, better thing I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?

Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.

Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.

Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.

Lois: And when is it due?

Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.

Lois: On Les Miserables?

Malcolm: Yes. No. A Tale of Two Cities.

Lois: Which you haven't read yet.

Malcolm: Right.

Lois: But you just said you did.

Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't... and then you said... it was Thursday, and... [shouting angrily] Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral!

Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.

Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.

Malcolm: Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.

Reese: Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.

Malcolm: You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.

Reese: There's six steps?

Malcolm: Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.

Reese: You remember that by just watching?

Malcolm: You guys did it like ten times!

Reese: So, you know my routine?

Malcolm: It's not that hard.

Reese: But... you know my routine.

Malcolm: Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...

Reese: No, you don't. You're going to help me.

Malcolm: That is where I was going.

Reese: Oh, good. Let's get started.

Malcolm: No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?

Reese: I know what's more embarrassing.

Malcolm: What?

Reese: Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Hal: Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]

Malcolm: [to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.

Hal: You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.

Dewey: [smiling] Not me.

Hal: Well, ask your brothers.

[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]

Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"

[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]

Lois: Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?

Reese: Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]

[Lois opens her mouth to scream]

...

[Lois emits a pained squeak]

Hal: You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

Lois: [Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!

Reese: Nothing.

Lois: Get a glass.

[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]

Lois: Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!

Reese: All right! Okay!

Dewey: Can I have some milk?

Lois: Yes... but get a glass!

Dewey: Okay.

Hal: [answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

Spangler: Hello!

Lois: Who are you?

Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.

Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?

Spangler: Pardon?

Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.

Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.

Lois: Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.

Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...

Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?

Spangler: [walking away] God, she is magnificent.

Reese: I'm really adopted, aren't I?

Lois: No, you're ours, and we love you.

Reese: Damn!

[Malcolm quickly comes up with a good question to ask Lois.]

Malcolm: How did you Dewey's bike wasn't really stolen?

Reese: That is a good question.

Lois: Francis told me.

Malcolm: They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.

Reese: So where's the real letter?

Malcolm: I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.

Dewey: And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

Malcolm: You WHAT?!

Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis: I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm: But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis: Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm: Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with baby-sitters.

[flashback]

Baby-sitter A: [cooing] Hello! Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo. Goochy, goochy— [screams as her finger is bitten]

Baby-sitter B: I don't know, sweetie; what do you have behind your back? [screams, running from the house]

Baby-sitter C: [locked in the closet by Malcolm and Reese] You little losers, I've had enough of this! You open this door right now! Look, I'm a little claustrophobic, okay? Just open the door! Let me out! Come on!

[back to the present]

Malcolm: I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.

Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, so help me...

[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]

Lois: Don't you dare!

[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]

Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.

Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.

Malcolm: Yeah.

Reese: You're gonna die.

Malcolm: I know. So, you think she's gonna be okay?

[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well. As they're going down the slide, Lois continues to berate the boys for their behavior.]

Lois: This is the last time I'm taking you boys anywhere.

[Lois, Malcolm and Reese emerge from the slide, splashing everyone including Hal.]

Walter grabs a duffel bag filled with his drug money, but Hank also grabs it]

Hank: Whoa, whoa, no heavy lifting. I got it.

Walter: No, it's okay.

Hank: I got it. Jesus, what you got in there – cinder blocks?

Walter: Half a million in cash.

Hank: [laughing] That's the spirit.

[The school is gathered in the gym to discuss the plane crash]

Barry: I just find it, y'know, really, really hard to concentrate because of all the horrors, y' know, we perceived. It just really gets inside your brain and, uh...in college they have this thing where if your roommate kills himself, like if you come home and find him hanging in the closet or whatever, it's basically an automatic A for you. And I just think that kind of compassion is something to–

Carmen: [grabbing microphone away] OK, thank you, Barry. Who wants to go next?

Walter: I love you, Skyler. And I would do anything for you. Would you even consider, I mean...Jesus! You come in here and you wave these papers in my face, when there's a whole other entire side to this thing. There's your side and there's my side and you haven't heard my side yet. You haven't heard any of it all.

Skyler: You're a drug dealer.

Walter: No. How...What?

Skyler: Yeah. How else could you possibly make that kind of money? Marijuana. That Pinkman kid. [Walter is silent] No? Oh my God, Walt. Cocaine?

Walter: ...It's methamphetamine. But I'm a manufacturer, I'm not a dealer.

Skyler: [shocked] Oh...

Walter: Per se. I...it doesn't mean... [Skyler gets up and heads to the door] No, Skyler! Listen to me, Skyler! [Walter grabs her arm] Listen.

Skyler: No!

Walter: There are a lot of angles to this, OK? It's complicated, alright? So please listen. Please, let's just sit back down and we'll talk it through.

Skyler: I'm going to make you a deal, Walt. I won't tell Hank and I won't tell your children or anybody else. Nobody will hear it from me, but only if you grant me this divorce and stay out of our lives.

Walter: No, Skyler...

Skyler: I mean it. Now let me the hell out of here before I throw up.

Jesse: You either run from things or you face them, Mr. White.

Walter: Now what exactly does that mean?

Jesse: I learned it in rehab. It's all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am.

Walter: And who are you?

Jesse: I'm the bad guy.

Walter: [to Gus] I'm here because I owe you the courtesy and respect to tell you this personally. I'm done. It has nothing to do with you personally. I find you extraordinarily professional and I appreciate the way you do business. I'm just...I'm making a change in my life is what it is, and I'm at something of a crossroads and it's brought me to a realization: I'm not a criminal. No offense to any people who are, but...this is not me.

Walter: God...It's a disaster.

Saul: It is not a disaster. It's not a disaster, alright? She's not going to the cops, she's not telling a living soul. You wanna know why? One word: blowback. If she blabs, it'll be a disaster – for her. That DEA brother-in-law? Screwed! You were right under his nose. He'll be lucky if they let him bust glue sniffers at the hobby shop. The kids? Paging Dr. Phil! "My daddy's a drug dealer and my mommy turned him in!" And the house? Gone! The feds will come in and RICO her and the kids out on the street. Good luck arguing with them on that, noooo. It's not gonna happen. She's bluffing. And she knows it.

Mike: [answering the phone] Yeah?

Saul: It's me. [about Skyler] We may have a wife problem.

Hank: Sky, the, um...I know it's none of my business, but uh...keeping him away from the kids?

Skyler: You're right, Hank. It's not your business.

Walter: Skyler...I mean, what kind of example do we wanna set here, right? I mean, can't we at least just sit down and eat a piece of pizza together? Just hash things out like adults?

Skyler: We have discussed everything we need to discuss. I thought I made myself very clear.

Walter: ...I've got dipping sticks.

[The Pinkmans just sold Jesse's old house at a much lower price to an unknown person who knew about Jesse's meth lab]

Mr. Pinkman: Breaking even is not so bad. In this economy, a lot of people would kill to break even.

Mrs. Pinkman: Poor Jake had his heart set on going to Space Camp.

[Jesse pulls up in his car]

Mrs. Pinkman: Oh no.

Mr. Pinkman: God, this is all we need.

Jesse: Mom. Dad. How's it going?

[Jesse walks to the house]

Mr. Pinkman: Jesse, it's really not a good time.

Mrs. Pinkman: Jesse, the house has been sold. The new owners are expected at any moment. Where do you think you're going?

Jesse: [jingles the key] Inside. I bought the place.

Juan: Don Salamanca had a nephew named Tuco.

Gus: Yes, I knew of him.

Juan: Then perhaps you know Don Salamanca mentored him in the business. Thought of Tuco as a son. When Don Salamanca was no longer able, Tuco took over for his uncle. He was a key man in our organization north of the border. He was loyal. This "Heisenberg" – Walter White – he was one of Tuco's local suppliers. Until he betrayed Tuco. So now you see...blood must be repaid by blood. Tuco's cousins here...they have the right to exact vengeance. The Salamanca family, the cartel...everyone stands shoulder to shoulder on this.

[Hector rings the bell in affirmation]

Juan: I don't tell you how to fry your chickens, Gustavo. You should really leave matters of my organization's politics to me.

Gus: Do I not run my own territory?

Juan: Of course you do. And I will advise them to be patient. But I recommend you finish your business with the man quickly. Or you risk losing the good graces of the cartel. That would not be wise. And those boys inside, I cannot guarantee that they will listen. They are...not like you and I.

[Her lawyer advises Skyler to report Walt to police.]

Skyler: Walt has lung cancer. His treatment bought him some time, but the doctors, they all say that sooner or later... I can't see why I should lay all this on my family when things may...resolve themselves on their own without anyone else knowing.

Walter: I've done a terrible thing. But I've done it for a good reason. I did it for us. That [points to the duffel bag of money] is college tuition for Walter Jr. And Holly, eighteen years down the road. And it's health insurance for you and the kids. For Jr.'s physical therapy. His SAT tutor. It's money for groceries, gas, for birthdays and graduation parties. Skyler, that money is for this roof over your head. The mortgage that you are not going to be able to afford on a part-time bookkeeper's salary when I'm gone.

Skyler: Walt, I–

Walter: Please. Please. This money, I didn't steal it. It doesn't belong to anyone else. I earned it. The things I've...done to earn it...they...the things I've had to do...I've got to live with them. Skyler, all that I've done, all the sacrifices that I've made for this family, all of it, will be for nothing if you don't accept what I've earned. Please. I'll be here when you get home from work. You can give me your answer then.

Skyler: I fucked Ted.

[Saul and Mike are listening to a recording of Walter and Skyler fighting]

Walter: You think this will get me to move out? You can screw Ted, you can screw the butcher, the mailman, whoever you want! Screw all! I'm not going anywhere.

Skyler: Suit yourself.

Saul: Is this a good or bad thing?

Walter: Suit myself...You want me to suit myself?! I'll suit myself to his face!

Saul: It's a bad thing.

Walter: How did you know?

Saul: I'm sorry?

Walter: About Skyler. About where to find me just now. How did you know?

Saul: That's just my meticulousness. Don't bog down in detail, Walt. The lesson here–

Walter: Did you bug my house?

Saul: ...Yeah. But I didn't know it was your house, did I? You moved out. Besides, you basically told me to.

Walter: I told you to?

Saul: You strongly hinted that I should. You were worried about your wife, remember? You were concerned that she might say something to the police.

Walter: No, no, that's not true. When the hell did I say that?

Saul: Let's not get lost in the who, whats and whens. The point is we did our due diligence and she didn't talk. She kept quiet, she stood by you, Walt. Which, if you ask me, is the ironical silver lining here. I mean, on the one hand, sure, she snuck off the reservation to get some dirty damp and deep. On the other–

[Walter grabs Saul and the two begin struggling on the floor. Mike rolls his eyes, strolls over to them and breaks it up]

Walter: YOU'RE FIRED! YOU'RE DONE!

Saul: Good! "Oh boo-hoo, I won't cook meth anymore!" You're a crybaby! Who needs you?! Hey, I'm unplugging the website, so no more money laundering! How do you like that?!

Walter: I want those bugs out of my house today! I want them out now!

Saul: You just bought a $300 suit, psycho!

Hank: [interrogating a meth head] So...let me get this straight, Russell. You got this meth from "some dude" wearing khaki pants, who – you're 80% sure – had a mustache. And that's it? That's your brain working at full capacity?

Walter: This is very shoddy work, Pinkman. I'm actually embarrassed for you.

Jesse: What? No way. I gave out samples and everyone said it was the bomb.

Walter: Oh, they said it was the bomb? And who are they, I wonder? A bunch of meth heads?

Jesse: Yeah, and they should know, right?

Walter: Yeah, well, sorry. I can't help you.

Jesse: Fine, asswad. You know what? I'll contact the guy myself.

Walter: Oh yeah? Well, good luck because my guy's a pro and he doesn't deal with junkies.

Jesse: Hey, you know what? Eat me!

Walter: Anytime, loser!

Mike: The good news is for stage three cancer, the guy's doing well. Physically. Mentally, the guy's a disaster. He's gone off the rails over this thing with his wife. My opinion: he's not coming back. Not on his own. Your friends were at his place again, by the way. They drew something on the street outside his house. The Scythe.

Gus: Animals... Does the lawyer know?

Mike: Should he?

Gus: No.

Mike: If you want this guy to produce again, why not just tell him? You're the only thing that stands between him and an axe to the head.

Gus: I do not believe fear to be an effective motivator. I want investment. For now, I'm simply interested in time frame. He will live for the foreseeable future, yes?

Mike: Hmm, foreseeable. Couple of years at least, barring acts of God or men with axes.

Skinny Pete: That was... [vomits] ...awesome, bro.

Gus: I am told his product was more or less consistent with the quality I come to expect.

Walter: More or less? More or less, really? Wow. Boy this... Talk about setting the bar low. Except you don't do that, set the bar low. Therefore, what conclusion am I left to draw? That you believe I have some proprietary kind of selfishness about my own formula? Some sort of overweening pride that you think simply overwhelms me, clouds my judgment?

Gus: But it doesn't?

Walter: Absolutely not. I simply respect the chemistry. The chemistry must be respected.

Walter: I have made a series of very bad decisions and I cannot make another one.

Gus: Why did you make these decisions?

Walter: For the good of my family.

Gus: Then they weren't bad decisions. What does a man do, Walter? A man provides for his family.

Walter: This cost me my family.

Gus: When you have children, you always have family. They will always be your priority, your responsibility. And a man, a man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he's a man.

Saul: Clearly a mistake was made on the part of our mutual associate when he paid you half of Jesse's earnings. He must not have realized that you two had come to a parting of the ways.

[Walter places a paper bag filled with the money on the desk]

Walter: Take it. It belongs to you.

Jesse: You're damn right it belongs to me.

Saul: I knew I could count on you boys to play nice! That's...that almost brings a tear to my eye.

Walter: Enjoy it. Spend it in good health. That is the last money you'll ever earn in this business.

Jesse: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Walter: I hate to break it you, Jesse, but our "mutual associate" was only using you to get to me.

Jesse: What are you talking about?

Walter: You see, he needs someone with expertise. Someone who knows what he's doing. In other words, he needs me.

Jesse: You're telling me you're cooking again?

Walter: Yeah, how should I put this? I'm in...you're out.

Saul: Whoa, Walt, hold on there! What was the offer, if I may ask?

Walter: It's, uh, three million for three months of my time.

Saul: You're gonna need that money laundered, right? I mean, of course. What was our deal before? Seventeen percent. That's a shade high. Now let's settle on an even fifteen. That's a nice round number.

Walter: Five percent.

Saul: Fourteen's fair.

Walter: Five.

Saul: Thirteen.

Walter: Five.

Saul: Twelve, for old time's sake. Twelve.

Walter: Five.

Saul: I'm a reasonable guy, it's a short term deal. Ten even, but I can't go any lower and still respect myself. [Walter turns to leave] Five!

Jesse: What in the hell just happened? You're MY lawyer, not his!

Saul: It's the way of the world, kid. Go with the winner.

Badger: That is awesome, Jesse! I feel like somebody took my brain out and boiled it in, like, boiling hot, like...like, Anthrax.

Walter: Listen, we got a problem. A DEA problem.

Saul: OK, I'm listening.

Walter: It's my brother-in-law. He knows about the RV.

Saul: What RV?

Walter: Our RV. The one which contains a meth lab which is covered with my fingerprints. Ring a bell?

Saul: OK, what exactly does "knows about" mean? Does he have it? Has he searched it?

Walter: No, he knows it exists and he's trying to find it. He has linked it to Jesse and it's only a matter of time before he tracks it down, so...

Saul: So get rid of it! What are you sitting there talking to me? Better yet, have Pinkman get rid of it. You don't go near it.

Walter: No, listen, my brother-in-law, he is surveying Jesse's house, do you understand? So he might have tapped his phones or bugged his house.

Saul: Jesus. Plan A, then! Go, get to it before the feds do.

Walter: And do what exactly? I mean, what...the thing, the thing is the size of a, of a...It's RV size! I mean, where do I go to make an RV disappear? I'm not David Copperfield!

Saul: What do I look like – the RV disposal people? Did you not plan for this contingency?

Walter: No.

Saul: Well, next time plan for it, would ya? The Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. I'm just saying.

Walter: OK, aw, shut up.

Walter: [whispering to Jesse what to say to Hank] Private domicile and I won't be harassed.

Hank: Yeah? Tell you what Pinkman, probable cause or no, I'll give you three seconds to get your ass out here! 1, 2...

Jesse: This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed...bitch!

[Walter shrugs in frustration and shakes his head]

Jesse: I say we just ram him, alright? We, uh, we...we start her up and we just ram the shit out of his truck and make our escape, right? [Walter waves him off] Yeah, he'd, uh...he'd shoot me in the head. Yeah, he'd shoot me in the head.

Gus: I told you before. You will not kill Walter White. Not until my business with him is concluded.

Marco: We've waited long enough. We won't wait any longer.

Gus: You'll have to. The decision is not yours to make. Explain to me...why this man White? He betrayed your cousin Tuco, yes. But he's not the one who murdered him. Was there not another man who pulled the trigger?

Marco: A DEA agent. Bolsa says the DEA is off-limits.

Gus: North of the border is my territory. My say. As a show of respect...I say yes. The agent's name is Hank Schrader. May his death satisfy you.

Walter: So what happens now?

Jesse: What happens now? I'll tell you what happens now. Your scumbag brother-in-law is finished. Done. You understand? I will own him when this is over. Every cent he earns, every cent his wife earns is mine. Any place he goes, anywhere he turns, I'm gonna be there grabbing my share. He'll be scrubbing toilets in Tijuana for pennies and I'll be standing over him to get my cut. He'll see me when he wakes up in the morning and when he crawls to sleep in whatever rat hole is left for him after I shred his house down. I will haunt his crusty ass forever until the day he sticks a gun up his mouth and pulls the trigger just to get me out of his head. That's what happens next.

[Hank is being investigated for beating up Jesse]

Hank Schrader: ...I was convinced that Mr. Pinkman was involved in the manufacture and distribution of phenyl-2 methamphetamine, specifically what we're calling the blue meth. I tracked him to a scrapyard where he stored an early-'80s camper, an RV. While waiting for a warrant to search this vehicle, which I believe to be a rolling meth lab, I received a telephone call telling me my wife Marie had been injured in an accident. Upon hearing the news, I left Mr. Pinkman and his vehicle to tend to my wife. After arriving at the hospital, I learned the emergency call was a hoax. My wife, fortunately, was unharmed. [clears throat] So I immediately went back to the salvage yard, but the RV was gone, most likely destroyed on site.

Detective #1: And it was at this point you drove to the home of Jesse Pinkman? [Hank's lawyer whispers something to him]

Hank's Lawyer: I think we're done here. Agent Schrader needs to get home to get some rest.

Detective #1: That's fine. But just to confirm, you're taking the Fifth here?

Hank Schrader: Yeah, that's correct.

Detective #2: Okay. Well, we just wanna give you all a heads up. Mr. Pinkman is pressing charges in this matter. He's given a detailed version of events as he sees them.

Hank's Lawyer: The word of a methhead.

Detective #1: We know all about his history. We're well aware, but toxicology on Pinkman...his blood is clean, he's not using.

Detective #2: The kid is even refusing his doctor-ordered pain meds, as far as we can tell.

Hank Schrader: So, um, where do we go from here?

George Merkert: A couple of gentlemen from OPR will come down, probably tomorrow morning. Janice will give us an exact time on that. [To the AQPD detectives] And you men will be continuing your investigation, so, thanks for your time. [They all stand up]

Detective #1: Right. We just need one more thing: A photo of Agent Schrader's hands. For the record.

Hank Schrader: Yes, of course. [He looks at his right wrist]

Detective #1: Bandage off, if you would. [Hanks takes off the bandage]

Detective #2: On the table is fine. Flat on the table. That's fine. [Hank puts his right hand on the table and the detective takes a picture of the bruises on the right hand]

[The Cousins pull up to a semi truck parked in a deserted parking lot to meet with an arms dealer]

Arms Dealer: So, you the gentlemen? [The Cousins say nothing. The arms dealer opens the back doors to the trailer] Lucky you boys caught me. I've got a load to pick up, I'm taking the 40 straight through to Memphis! I can hammer it out in about 15, but there's this girl down here named Laney or Lolly or somethin'. Maybe Fran. Anyhow, she's got one of these fetish things, she likes to get peed on, y'know, so I was hoping to see her tonight, but she's real strict 'bout wanting to get to sleep before 10, so I wanna wrap it up here ASAP because traffic can be a wild card, y'know, rubberneckin' and such. [He starts taking off the tarps covering the crates containing his weapons] Surprising thing is the women who like to get peed on always tend to be from the warmer climates. You'd think the ones in the colder zones would be more inclined but I haven't met one yet. I mean, it's a shock to the system if the body is not properly acclimated, but y'know...leave that for smarter minds than me. Science is a mystery. [He looks up at the Cousins] Well, take a gander. Prices are negotiable. Buying in bulk gets you a discount. I'm running a special on these honeys. [The dealer walks over to a crate that contains a bunch of bullets, one of which he picks up] JHPs. Hollow-point bullets, known by the natives as "Black Death". Check it out. [He tosses it to Marco] You like that? It's so sweet, you'll wanna lick it! Nickel-plated brass casing, Lubalox coat for panache. Sucker has six razor claws that expand upon impact! PEW! [It'll] Shred your mama's head like a cabbage. [Marco considers then starts to hand it back to the dealer] Keep it. On the house. [Marco puts the Black Death bullet in his pocket] Anyhow, I've been windjamming long enough. Why don't you boys tell me what you're looking for. What it is you want, what is it you need? What can I do you for?

Leonel Salamanca: Vests.

Arms Dealer: Vests? Hell yeah, we've got vests! Right here. [He grabs two bulletproof vests from a satchel] Sleek, comfortable, thermally bonded, non-interwoven Kevlar fiber. Stop a bullet like a soft wang against a Quaker girl! It just ain't getting through. And lightweight? Damn, so lightweight, you'll forget you're wearing it! [He tosses the vests, which hit the floor in front of the Cousins]

Marco Salamanca: Do they work?

Arms Dealer: Sure as shit, they do! [He unbuttons the top button on his shirt to reveal that he's wearing an identical bulletproof vest] I don't leave home without it!

[Leonel promptly pulls out his pistol and shoots the arms dealer in the exposed section of the vest. The arms dealer is knocked to the ground by the impact of the bullet]

Arms Dealer: Ugh! Ow! What the hell?! You...broke my freaking rib, you maniac son of a bitch!

[As the arms dealer groans in pain, Marco steps forward and looks at the spot where Leonel's bullet hit the vest. He pulls out the bullet and shows it to Leonel, who nods in approval. Marco reaches into his pocket and counts out a stack of $100 bills, which he drops in the dealer's lap. Leonel and Marco then slowly walk out of the truck]

Arms Dealer: You're welcome!

Marie: You made one mistake.

Hank: It wasn't one mistake. I've been...unraveling, y'know? I don't sleep at night anymore. I freeze, I freeze up. My chest gets all tight, I can't breathe. Just...I panic. Ever since that Salamanca thing. Tuco Salamanca, if ever a scumbag deserved a bullet between the eyes... It changed me and I can't seem to control it. I try to fight it, but then El Paso. It just got worse. What I did to Pinkman...that's not who I'm supposed to be. All this, everything that's happened, I swear to God, Marie, I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I'm finally ready to listen. I'm just not the man I thought I was. I think I'm done as a cop.

Walter: Listen, something's come up. I think it's a good opportunity. There's been a job opening. I need a new lab assistant.

Jesse: I did... my time. Why don't you just get yourself a monkey?

Walter: I don't want a monkey. I want you.

Jesse: Oh, gee, thanks. Well, not interested. I got my own thing going on. And nice try saving your asshat brother-in-law.

Walter: That's not why I'm here, Jesse. There's more. It's more than an assistant. Partners. We'd be partners again. Split everything, 50/50, just like before. 1.5 million dollars. Each.

Jesse: No.

Walter: I don't think you heard me.

Jesse: I heard you fine. I said no.

Walter: You understand this: you are turning down one and a half million dollars.

Jesse: I am not turning down the money! I'm turning down you! You get it?! I want nothing to do with you! Ever since I met you, everything I ever cared about is gone! Ruined, turned to shit, dead, ever since I hooked up with the great Heisenberg! I have never been more alone! I have NOTHING! NO ONE! ALRIGHT, IT'S ALL GONE, GET IT? No, no, no, why...why would you get it? What do you even care, as long as you get what you want, right? You don't give a shit about me! You said I was no good. I'm nothing! Why would you want me, huh? You said my meth is inferior, right? Right? Hey! You said my cook was GARBAGE! Hey, screw you, man! Screw you!

Walter: Your meth is good, Jesse. As good as mine.

[Hank is getting into his car when his cell phone rings]

Hank: Schrader.

Distorted Voice: I need you to listen very carefully. Two men are coming to kill you.

Hank: Come again?

Distorted Voice: They're approaching your car. You have one minute.

Hank: Hey, I don't get the gag, jackoff. Who is this?!

Distorted Voice: They're coming.

[Jesse gets his first look at Gus's superlab]

Jesse: Man, we should have ditched that RV months ago. It's all like shiny up in here.

Jesse: Hey, tell your douchebag brother-in-law to head towards the light.

Walter: Let me ask you something, do you remember when we were out in the desert with Tuco?

Jesse: Oh, you mean when he put a machine gun to my head. Yeah, I think that does ring a tiny bell.

[Walt confronts Gus in the hospital lobby]

Walter: You knew. You knew my brother-in-law was with the DEA.

Gus: I investigate everyone with whom I do business. What careful man wouldn't?

Walter: He is not a problem for us or our business, but your being here...is this some sort of message?

Gus: I'm supporting my community. I hide in plain sight, same as you. Are we done?

Walter: No, listen, I, uh...this attack on my brother-in-law, I don't understand it, I don't know what it means. Please, if you may have some knowledge that you can share with me. I fear for my family.

Gus: I'm sure they'll be fine. I am told the assassin that survived is gravely injured. It's doubtful he'll live. Now thank me and shake my hand.

[Gus is working the late shift at Los Pollos Hermanos when he gets a phone call from Juan Bolsa]

Gus: Yes, Juan?

Juan: I assume you heard the news.

Gus: Your man died. I heard. It's unfortunate.

Juan: Yeah, unfortunate. And meanwhile I have federales surrounding my house. You know what I think, Gustavo? I think you're behind all this.

Gus: Why would I do this? How would it serve me?

Juan: That's the part that I'm trying to figure out. Go off on your own, maybe? You actually think that would work?

Gus: Juan, you sound like you're under a lot of stress. Maybe you should call me back when you're seeing things more clearly.

Juan: I see things clear enough. One DEA gets shot, all of Washington starts barking. The DF suddenly has to put on a big show and I wind up with federales in my rose bushes. And just for a while, appearances, politics... Are you still there, Gustavo?

Gus: Yes, I'm here.

Juan: I'll weather this. I always do. My brother is a police chief. I got connections. They'll get me through. And when I get proof and the others find out what you've done, maybe we come pay you a visit. Maybe–

[Glass shatters. Juan and his men begin shouting and run to the source of the noise but they are gunned down on sight. Gus listens eagerly, smiles, breaks apart his phone and throws it away]

Hank: Gomie? Is that you?

Gomez: Hey, buddy. It's me.

Hank: Nice to see ya, Gomie.

Gomez: Yeah, Hank. I'm right here.

Hank: Come here...closer... [Gomez leans in] Asshole.

Walter Jr.: Man, he got you good.

Gomez: Yeah, yeah. Glad to see you still have your twisted sense of humor.

Jesse: [Describing his work in Gustavo's secret meth lab to his rehab group] Been working a lot...It's in a laundromat, it's totally corporate...It's like rigid, all kinds of red tape, my boss is a dick, the owner, super dick, don't know if we're ever going to meet him, everybody's scared of the dude. Place is full of dead-eyed douchebags, the hours suck, and nobody knows what's going on.

Walter: My brother-in-law, moments before he was attacked, someone called to warn him. I believe that same person was protecting me. Those two men – the assassins – I believe I was their prime target, but that somehow they were steered away from me to my brother-in-law. Because of this intervention, I am alive, and yet, I think that this person was playing a much deeper game. He made that phone call because he wanted a shootout, not a silent assassination. In one stroke, he bloodied both sides, set the American and Mexican governments against the cartel, and cut off the supply of methamphetamine to the Southwest. If this man had his own source of product on this side of the border, he would have the market to himself. The rewards would be enormous. We're both adults. I can't pretend I don't know that person is you. I want there to be no confusion. I know I owe you my life, and more than that, I respect the strategy. In your position, I would have done the same. One issue which troubles me: I don't know what happens when our three month contract ends.

Gus: What would you like then?

Walter: You know why I do this. I want security for my family.

Gus: Then you have it. Three million for three months, that was our agreement. Extended annually, twelve million a year. Call it fifteen. Open ended. Would that be agreeable?

Marie: Hi.

Ted: Hi.

Skyler: Marie, this is Ted. My boss.

Marie: Oh, you're Ted! I've heard so much about you. Thank you for your gift basket. That was really thoughtful.

Skyler: It was. It was really nice. Thank you, Ted.

Marie: Cheese sticks.

Skyler: Cheese sticks.

Jesse: What's the point of being an outlaw when you got responsibilities?

Badger: Darth Vader had responsibilities. He was responsible for the Death Star.

Skinny Pete: True that. Two of them bitches.

[Skyler has concocted an elaborate lie involving gambling addiction to convince Marie to let her and Walt pay for Hank's medical expenses.]

Walter: How did you come up with that? I mean, where did you possibly...?

Skyler: I learnt from the best. Somehow, something tells me Hank is here because of you. And I'm not forgetting that.

Walter: There's been a contamination.

Jesse: Wait, what? Whoa, hey, hold up!

Walter: Something got into the lab.

Jesse: So, uh, what do we do? I mean, do we...wait, wait! Shouldn't we be wearing masks?

Walter: No, no, it's not that kind of contaminant.

Jesse: So it's, like, not dangerous? Mr. White, talk to me here!

Walter: Not to us, particularly, no.

Jesse: [noticing Walter's homemade fly swatter] What the hell is that?

Walter: This is, uh, I made it.

Jesse: Exactly what kind of contaminant are we dealing with here?

Walter: ...Fly.

Jesse: What do you mean? Fly, like...like what do you mean?

Walter: I mean, a fly. A housefly.

Jesse: Like, uh, one fly? Singular? What'd it do?

Walter: It got into the lab and I'm trying to get it out, okay? Understand?

Jesse: No, man, not really. I can't say that I'm really following you here. Dude, you scared the shit out of me! When you say it's contamination, I'm thinking like an Ebola leak or something.

Walter: [scoffs] Ebola.

Jesse: Yeah, it's a disease on the Discovery Channel where all your intestines sort of just slip right out of your butt.

Walter: Thank you, I know what Ebola is.

Jesse: Uh-huh.

Walter: Now tell me, what would a West African virus be doing in our lab, hm?

Jesse: So, you're chasing around a fly, and in your world I'm the idiot.

Walter: Okay, look, we're running late, so let's just get started. The sooner we do it, the sooner we're done.

Jesse: Fricking finally. [Jesse grabs a sack and just as he's about to put in the tank, Walt stops him]

Walter: What are you doing?

Jesse: It's time to alkaline.

Walter: Have you not heard a word I said? No cooking until this fly is dealt with. Have I been speaking to myself?

Jesse: The timer went off, yo! How long is this batch gonna be good for? An hour? Two?

Walter: The batch will be good for nothing if we don't clear the contaminant.

Jesse: "Clear the contaminant?!" We're making meth here, all right? Not space shuttles!

Walter: We're making nothing until we catch this fly.

Jesse: What fly? All right? Where the hell is this fly? Not like I even seen thes thing! Maybe your positive pressure blew it out the door or something.

Walter: No, no. It is here. It is around, okay? He's around, and I'm not going to expose this batch to the open air and contamination, period. Now, you can leave to deal with this myself or you can help me. But you're right, we're running out of time. So I need you to answer right now. [Jesse drops the sack and walks off] Okay.

Jesse: Did you know that there's an acceptable level of rat turds that can go into candy bars? It's the government, jack. Even government doesn't care that much about quality. You know what is okay to put in hot dogs? Huh? Pig lips and assholes. But I say, hey, have at it bitches 'cause I love hot dogs.

Walter: I've been to my oncologist, Jesse. Just last week. I'm still in remission. I'm healthy.

Jesse: That's good. Great.

Walter: No end in sight.

Jesse: That's great.

Walter: No. I missed it. There was some perfect moment that passed me right by, but I had to have enough to leave them. That was the whole point. None of this makes any sense if I didn't have enough. And it had to be before she found out. Skyler. It had to be before that.

Jesse: Perfect moment? For what? To drop dead? Are you saying you want to die?

Walter: I'm saying that I lived too long. You want them to actually miss you. You want their memories of you to be...but she just won't...she just won't understand. I mean, no matter how well I explain it, these days she just has this...this... I mean, I truly believe there exists some combination of words. There must exist certain words in a certain specific order that can explain all of this, but with her I just can't ever seem to find them.

Jesse: Mr. White, why don't you just sit down.

Walter: You know, I was thinking before the fugue state, but during the fugue state I didn't have enough money, so no, not then. And plus my daughter wasn't born yet. It had to be after Holly was born.

Jesse: Mr. White...

Walter: Definitely before the surgery. Ah Christ, that damn second cell phone. I mean, how could I possibly? [pause] Oh, I know the moment. It was the night Jane died. I was at home and we needed diapers and so I said I'd go, but it was just an excuse. Actually that was the night I brought you your money, remember?

Jesse: Yeah. I remember.

Walter: And afterward I stopped at a bar. It was odd, I never do that – go to a bar alone. I just walked in, sat down. I never told you.

Jesse: You went to a bar?

Walter: I sit down and this man, this stranger, he engages me in conversation. He's a complete stranger. But he turns out to be Jane's father, Donald Margolis.

Jesse: What are you talking about?

Walter: Of course I didn't know it at the time. I mean, he's just some guy in a bar. I just didn't put it together until after the crash when he was all over the news.

Jesse: Jane's dad?

Walter: Think of the odds. Once I tried to calculate them, but they're astronomical. I mean, think of the odds of me going in and sitting down that night, in that bar, next to that man.

Jesse: What'd you talk about?

Walter: Water on Mars. Family.

Jesse: What about family?

Walter: I told him that I had a daughter and he told me he had one, too. And he said, "Never give up on family." And I didn't. I took his advice. My God, the universe is random; it's not inevitable, it's simple chaos. It's subatomic particles and endless pings, collision – that's what science teaches us. What does this say? What is it telling us that the very night that this man's daughter dies, it's me who is having a drink with him? I mean, how could that be random?

[Walter stumbles, starting to succumb to the sleeping pills]

Jesse: Hey, sit down.

Walter: No, no, it's, uh... Oh, that was the moment. That night. I should never have left home. Never gone to your house. Maybe things would have... Oh, I was...I was at home watching TV. Some nature program about elephants...and Skyler and Holly were in another room. I can hear them on the baby monitor. She was singing a lullaby. Oh, if I had just lived right up to that moment...and not one second more. That would have been perfect.

Walter: Jesse. Come here. I couldn't chance saying it inside, for all I know the lab's wired for sound. That half a pound that I said we were off by? Now I'm not accusing you, but if – you understand – if they ever found out...

Jesse: I didn't take shit.

Walter: I'm just saying that I won't be able to protect you.

Jesse: Who's asking you to?

Marie: You can do this, Hank. Come on. It's supposed to hurt. Pain is weakness leaving your body.

Hank: Pain is my foot in your ass, Marie.

Marie: Hey, if you could get your leg up that high, I say go for it.

Jesse: Alright, just wanted to give you a heads up, it's gonna get a little slower smuggling product with Grandpa Anus watching every move I make. Don't worry, I'll keep it flowing.

Skinny Pete: Right on.

Badger: Yeah.

Jesse: So how's it selling? Mad volume?

Badger: Yeah, it's, uh...y'know, it's, uh...it's not so good.

Jesse: What do you mean? How much have you sold?

Badger: I sold a teenth.

Jesse: One teenth? That's it? To who?

Badger: [motions to Skinny Pete] To him.

Saul: Hello. Welcome. What a pleasure it is to have you. Just gonna call you Skyler if that's okay. It's a lovely name. It reminds me of the big, beautiful sky. Walter always told me how lucky he was, prior to recent unfortunate events. Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers: only the very best with just the right amount of dirty.

Saul: We declare just enough so as to not arouse suspicion, so Walt's one time winnings becomes seed money for an investment.

Skyler: Investment in what?

Saul: Drum roll, please. Wait for it. Laser tag. [silence] Laser tag! 7,000 square feet of rollicking fun in the heart of northern Bernalillo County!

Skyler: Laser tag?

Saul: Yeah, there's guns and glow lights, and the kids wear the vests and they're split into teams...

Skyler: No, I actually know what it is, it's just that in relation to Walt, it doesn't make sense.

Saul: Makes more sense than you two being together. I'm still trying to figure out how that happened.

Skyler: Do you even know Walt? I mean, how would he of all people buy a laser tag business? It doesn't add up.

Saul: It adds up perfectly. Walt's a scientist, scientists love lasers. Plus, they got bumper boats, so...

Gus: Walter, I would like to help you if I could.

Walter: Help me how?

Gus: Well, when I first started out, I made a lot of mistakes. More than I care to admit. I wish I had someone to advise me, because this life of ours, it can overwhelm. You are a wealthy man now, and one must learn to be rich. To be poor, anyone can manage.

Walter: What advice do you have for me?

Gus: Never make the same mistake twice.

[Walt and Jesse discuss the situation about Combo's killers at a bar]

Jesse: Combo was us, man. He was one of us. Does that mean nothing?

Walter: Why didn't you go after these guys two or three months ago?

Jesse: 'Cause I just found out about them.

Walter: What's to find out? It's a dispute over turf, right? I mean, how hard could it have been for you to track them down on their turf and kill them months ago? Because back then you were too busy getting high, feeling sorry. Murder is not part of your twelve-step program. This is not some amends that you have to make. What you are talking about here is pointless. This achieves nothing. It accomplishes nothing.

Jesse: If you don't see what it accomplishes, there is no way I can explain it you.

Walter: Jesse, listen to me: you are not a murderer. I am not and you are not. It's as simple as that. [Jesse gets up to leave] Jesse...

Jesse: I'm doing it...with or without you.

[Walt talks with Saul about options to keep Jesse from killing the dealers who killed Combo]

Walter: Maybe...What if we, uh...maybe...could you get him arrested?

Saul: You want your criminal associate taken into police custody?

Walter: No, listen, I know it sounds risky, but it wouldn't be anything that would get him into real trouble, nothing that could lead back to our business. Just some minor offense.

Saul: Pinkman in jail. I dunno, I'm picturing it...

Walter: Not jail, as in jail jail. I'm talking about one of those situations when you're in an orange jumpsuit picking up litter along the highway.

Saul: That's jail.

[Walt is tending to Holly when he gets a late night visit from Mike]

Walter: What can I do for you?

Mike: Have a seat, Walter. I spoke to Goodman about Pinkman and this plan of yours.

Walter: And?

Mike: I'm not gonna do it.

Walter: Why?

Mike: Because it's moronic.

Walter: Saul said you've done things like this before.

Mike: That's not the moronic part.

Walter: OK, so what's the problem?

Mike: The problem is the boss wouldn't like it.

Walter: Saul?

Mike: My boss. Your boss. This is a professional courtesy. No one knows I'm here, understand? But our employer would find out like always, and if Pinkman were arrested, he'd take it as a problem. Walt, you got a good thing going here. We all do. You want to risk it all on one junkie? Now I realize you two have a history, but this kid's been on the bubble a while now. It's a long time coming.

Walter: What is?

Mike: [Chuckles] Um... I used to be a beat cop, long time ago. And I'd get called out on domestic disputes all the time, hundreds probably over the years. But there was this one guy, this one piece of shit, that I will never forget: Gordy. He looked like Bo Svenson. You remember him? Walking Tall? You don't remember?

Walter: No.

Mike: Anyway. Big boy; 270, 280. But his wife, or whatever she was, his lady, was real small. Like a bird, wrists like little branches. Anyway, my partner and I get called out there every weekend and one of us would pull her aside and say, "C'mon, tonight's the night we press charges." And this wasn't one of those 'deep down he really loves me' setups, we got a lot of those, but not this. This girl was scared. She wasn't gonna cross him no way, no how. Nothing we could do but pass her off to the EMTs, put him in the car, drive him downtown, throw him in the drunk tank. He sleeps it off, next morning out he goes, back home. But one night, my partner's out sick and it's just me. And the call comes in and it's the usual crap. Broke her nose in the shower kind of thing. So I cuff him, put him in the car and away we go. Only that night, we're driving into town, and this sideways asshole is in my backseat humming 'Danny Boy'. And it just rubbed me wrong. So instead of left, I go right, out into nowhere. And I kneel him down and I put my revolver in his mouth and I told him, "This is it. This is how it ends." And he's crying, going to the bathroom all over himself, swearing to God he's gonna leave her alone, screaming – much as you can with a gun in your mouth. And I told him to be quiet, that I needed to think about what I was gonna do here. And of course he got quiet. Goes still, and real quiet, like a dog waiting for dinner scraps. And we just stood there for a while: me acting like I'm thinking things over, and Prince Charming kneeling in the dirt with shit in his pants. After a few minutes I took the gun out of his mouth and I say; "So help me if you ever touch her again I will such and such and such and such and blah blah blah blah blah".

Walter: Just... just a warning?

Mike: Hmph. Of course. Just trying to do the right thing. But two weeks later he killed her. Of course. Caved her head in with the base of a Waring blender. We got there, there was so much blood you could taste the metal. The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. [stands up] No more half measures, Walter.

[Gus has summoned Walt, Jesse, and the rival dealers to a meeting at the Los Pollos Hermanos distribution center]

Gus: Sit down. I understand that you have a problem with two of my employees. It is true that they killed one of your associates. It is possible they acted rashly, but on the other hand there was a provocation. The man was selling on their territory. There is blame on both sides. This will go no further. It will be settled right here, right now.

Jesse: [to Walter] You told him?

Gus: [to the two dealers] Wait outside. [the two dealers leave and Gus turns to Jesse] Listen to me. You have one friend in this room. [points to Walter] This man. Those men outside are my trusted employees, and when I learned what you intended to do... If it wasn't for this man and the respect I have for him, I would be dealing with this in a very different way. Don't look at him, you look at me. This is what happens now: My men will come back inside and you will shake their hands and you will make peace and that will be the end of this.

Jesse No.

Walter: Jesse... [Gus motions for Walter to be quiet]

Gus: Pardon me?

Jesse: They use kids. These assholes of yours, they got an 11-year old kid doing their killing for them. You're supposed to be some kind of reasonable business man, this is how you do business? [to Walter] You okay with this? You got anything to say here?!

Gus: Bring them back. [the two dealers come back inside] No more children. You understand? [to Jesse] And you, you keep the peace. [Jesse nods] Say it.

Jesse: Yeah. I keep the peace.

Gus: Shake hands.

[Jesse and the two dealers shake hands]

Walter: Run.

[Walt is out in the desert when a car pulls up. Walt's cell phone rings]

Walter White: [answers phone] Yeah?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Walter, you see us?

Walter White: Yeah, I see you.

Mike Ehrmantraut: I'd like you to exit your vehicle and start walking toward us.

Walter White: And then what? I'm gonna need some...some kind of assurance.

Mike Ehrmantraut: I assure you I could kill you from way over here if it makes you feel any better.

[Walt walks over to the car that has shown up. Mike gets out and approaches Walt]

Mike Ehrmantraut: Walter. You've been busy. You wanna put your arms out to your sides for me, if you would. [Walt does as he's told, standing as Mike gives him a pat-down] You know I haven't slept since Thursday? I was out all night cleaning up after you. I need my sleep.

Walter White: You said no half measures.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Yeah? Funny how words can be so open to interpretation. [The two of them walk towards the car] You get your car fixed?

Walter White: Not yet.

Mike Ehrmantraut: You're gonna wanna get your car fixed.

Walter White: Let's see how this goes first.

[Gus and Victor emerge from the Suburban]

Gus Fring: Has your condition worsened?

Walter White: Excuse me?

Gus Fring: Your medical condition, has it grown worse?

Walter White: Not that I know of, no.

Gus Fring: Is there a ringing in your ears? Are you seeing bright lights or hearing voices?

Walter White: I'm quite well, thank you.

Gus Fring: No. Clearly you are not. No rational person would do as you have done. Explain yourself.

Walter White: My partner was about to get himself shot. I intervened.

Gus Fring: Some worthless junkie. For him, you intervened and put us all at risk? Some contemptible junkie who couldn't keep the peace for eight hours?

Walter White: That's right, he couldn't. He was angry because those two dealers of yours had just murdered an 11-year old boy.

Gus Fring: I heard about it. He should have let me take care of it.

Walter White: Maybe. Then again maybe he thought it was you who gave the order.

Gus Fring: [acting offended] Are you asking me if I ordered the murder of a child?

Walter White: I would never ask you that.

Gus Fring: Where is Pinkman now?

Walter White: I wouldn't know. Couple of time zones away at least. Beyond that I'd only be guessing. He has enough money to last forever. He knows he has to keep moving. You'll never find him.

Mike Ehrmantraut: I don't know, Walt. It's what I do after all.

Walter White: He's out of the picture. I saved his life, I owed him that, but now he and I are done, which is exactly what you wanted, isn't it? You've always struck me as a very pragmatic man, so if I may, I would like to review options with you, of which, it seems to me, you have two. Option A: you kill me right here and now. Apparently I have made that very easy for you. You can kill me, no witnesses, and then spend the next few weeks or months tracking down Jesse Pinkman and you kill him, too. A pointless exercise, it seems to me, but that is option A.

Gus Fring: What is option B?

Walter White: I continue cooking. You and I both forget about Pinkman. We forget this ever happened. We consider this a lone hiccup in an otherwise long and fruitful business arrangement. I prefer option B.

Gus Fring: You'd need a new assistant. [Walt nods]

Walter White: I could get right on that.

Gus Fring: No. This time, I choose.

[Mike is trying to get Jesse's location from Saul]

Mike Ehrmantraut: Now when I say I'm looking for Pinkman, we both know why, don't we? And you pretending otherwise only wastes my time and serves to annoy me.

Saul Goodman: Look, Mike, there are rules to this lawyer thing.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Is that right?

Saul Goodman: Yeah! Attorney-client privilege. I mean, that's a big one. That's something I provide for you. I give up Pinkman, well, then you're gonna be asking, "Ol' Saul gives 'em up pretty easy. What's to keep him from giving me up?" Y'see, so, then where's the trust?

Mike Ehrmantraut: I trust the hole in the desert I'd leave you in.

Saul Goodman: Yeah, that's...an argument.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Saul, don't make me beat you until your legs don't work. Now tell me where to find him. You know it's the right thing.

[Walt secretly meets with Jesse in the laser tag arena]

Walter: How you holding up?

Jesse: Mm...You?

Walter: I got my old job back. At least until they kill me and Gale takes over.

Jesse: So he's their boy, huh?

Walter: He's their boy.

Jesse: How long you think you got?

Walter: Well, he asks a lot of questions about the cooking process. I try to be as vague as possible but I got that guy Victor watching me, listening to every word I say. Maybe the only thing saving me is Gale's fastidiousness. Once he feels confident that he knows my entire method...

Jesse: So what do we do?

Walter: You know what we do.

Jesse: There's got to be some other way. Maybe it's better for you to just go the cops, alright? I mean, I can't believe I'm saying that and all, but for your family. Hey, the DEA would love you, the shit you tell them. Federal Witness Protection, that's a good deal. As for me, I'll hit the road, yo. I'll make it. We had a good run...but it's over.

Walter: Never the DEA. The cooking can't stop. That's the one thing I'm certain of – production cannot stop. Gus can't afford to. So if I'm the only chemist that he's got, then I got leverage and leverage keeps me alive, and it keeps you alive, too. I think I can see to that. If I'm the only chemist that he's got...

Jesse: I can't do it, Mr. White. Like you said, I'm not a...I can't do it.

Walter: I'll do it. I'm gonna need your help. I mean, they're watching me day and night. They never leave me alone with Gale, not for a moment. Hell, I don't even know where the man lives. He's not in the phonebook, I can't find him on the Internet, I can't do it in the lab – Victor's always there. I mean, if I can just shake Victor, even an hour one night, I think then that...I may be able to...make it look like an accident.

Jesse: There's got to be some other way.

Walter: I'm all ears, but when it comes down to you and me versus him, I'm sorry – I'm truly sorry – but it's gonna be him.

Walter: Please don't do this. Mike, you don't have to do this.

Mike: Yeah, unfortunately I do, Walter. Downstairs.

Walter: I'll cook. I'll cook for free, and there won't be anymore trouble, I promise you...

Mike: No.

Walter: ...OK, if I could just talk to Gus...

Mike: No.

Walter: ...I know I could make him understand...

Mike: No. Walter...

Walter: ...Please if I could talk to Gus, I could convince him, OK? Just let me please, please, PLEASE let me talk to him!

Mike: SHUT UP! Shut up. I can't do it. I'm sorry.

Walter: Look, I'll give you Jesse Pinkman, OK? Like you said, he's the problem, he's always been the problem and without him, we would...and he's in town, alright? He's not in Virginia or wherever the hell you're looking for him. He's right here in Albuquerque and I can take you to him, I'll take you right to him. What do you say?

Mike: Where is he? Right now you give me an address.

Walter: I don't know, he moves around, but if you let me call him. [Walter reaches for his phone. Victor reaches for his gun] No, no, please! No, it's just my phone. It's just my phone. I'll call him and I'll have him meet me, OK? OK?

[Walter dials Jesse as Mike listens in closely]

Jesse: Did you do it? Mr. White? Did you do it?

Walter: No, I didn't do it. I can't now. It's gonna have to be you.

Jesse: What? No way, man!

Walter: Listen to me. You're closer than we are. You have about a 20 minute lead. They got me at the laundry and they're going to kill me... [Mike and Victor attempt to grab the phone away] Jesse, do it now! Do it! Do it fast! Do it, Jesse! Do it! [Jesse grabs a gun and runs outside. Mike grabs the phone away from Walter]

Victor: Son of a bitch!

[Mike and Victor point their guns at Walter]

Mike: Just what the hell was that exactly?

Walter: You might want to hold off.

Mike: Yeah? [cocks gun] Why?

Walter: Because your boss is gonna need me. 6353 Juan Tabo, apartment 6. [Gale's address. Mike and Victor look at each other, shocked] Yeah.

Therapist: How's your blog going?

John Watson: Yeah, good. Very good.

Therapist: You haven't written a word, have you?

John: You just wrote "still has trust issues."

Therapist: And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.

John: Nothing happens to me.

Sherlock Holmes: [Unzips a body-bag, smiles at what he sees] How fresh?

Molly Hooper: Just in, 67, natural causes. He used to work here. I knew him, he was nice.

Sherlock: Fine. We'll start with the riding crop.

[Cut to Sherlock vigorously beating the dead body with a riding crop. He stops suddenly.]

Molly: Bad day was it?

Sherlock: I need to know what bruises form in the next twenty minutes. A man's alibi depends on it. Text me.

Molly: Listen, I was wondering. Maybe later when you're finished—

Sherlock: You're wearing lipstick. You weren't wearing lipstick before.

Molly: I, uh, I refreshed it a bit.

Sherlock: [beat] Sorry. You were saying?

Molly: I was wondering if you'd like to have coffee?

Sherlock: Black, two sugars please. I'll be upstairs.

[Sherlock leaves the room]

Molly: ...Okay.

John: [Looking around at the morgue's lab equipment] Bit different from my day.

Mike: You've no idea.

Sherlock: Mike, can I borrow your phone? There's no signal on mine.

Mike: And what's wrong with the landline?

Sherlock: I prefer to text.

Mike: Sorry, it's in my coat.

John: Er, here, use mine.

Sherlock: Oh, thank you.

Mike: This is an old friend of mine, John Watson.

Sherlock: Afghanistan or Iraq?

John: Sorry?

Sherlock: Which one was it? In Afghanistan or Iraq?

John: Afghanistan. Sorry, how did you...?

[Molly enters]

Sherlock: Ah, Molly, coffee, thank you. What happened to the lipstick?

Molly: It wasn't working for me.

Sherlock: Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth's too small now.

Molly: ...Okay.

Sherlock: How do you feel about the violin?

John: I'm sorry, what?

Sherlock: I play the violin when I'm thinking and sometime I don't talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other.

John: You told him about me?

Mike: Not a word.

John: Then who says anything about flatmates?

Sherlock: I did. Told Mike this morning I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is, just after lunch, with an old friend clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn't a difficult leap.

John: How did you know about Afghanistan?

Sherlock: Got my eyes on a nice little place in central London, we ought to be able to afford it. We'll meet there tomorrow evening seven o'clock. Sorry, got to dash, I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.

John: Is that it?

Sherlock: Is that what?

John: We've only just met, and we're going to go and look at a flat?

Sherlock: Problem?

John: We don't know a thing about each other. I don't know where we're meeting, I don't even know your name.

Sherlock: I know you're an Army doctor, and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. You've got a brother worried about you, but you won't go to him for help, because you don't approve of him, possibly because he's an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic, quite correctly, I'm afraid. That's enough to be going on with, don't you think? The name is Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221B Baker Street. Afternoon.

[He leaves. John glances at Mike.]

Mike: Yeah, he's always like that.

John: [upon first seeing Baker Street] Well this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.

Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, is giving me a special deal. She owes me a favour. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.

John: You stopped her husband from being executed?

Sherlock: Oh, no. I ensured it.

Sherlock: Brilliant! YES! Four serial suicides and now a note! Oh, it's Christmas! Mrs. Hudson, I'll be late. Put the kettle on. [Rushes out]

Mrs. Hudson: I had a husband like that once, always rushing about. But I can see you're more the sitting-down type. I'll get some tea, and you just rest your leg.

John: DAMN MY LEG! I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this thing is just...

Mrs. Hudson: I understand, dearie. I've got a hip.

Sherlock: You're an army doctor.

John: Yes.

Sherlock: Any good?

John: Very good.

Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?

John: Well, yes.

Sherlock: Bit of trouble too, I bet.

John: Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.

Sherlock: [beat] Want to see some more?

John: Oh, God, yes.

Sherlock: The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!

[In the back of a taxi]

Sherlock: Okay, you've got questions.

John: Yeah. Where are we going?

Sherlock: Crime scene. Next?

John: Who are you? What do you do?

Sherlock: What do you think?

John: I'd say private detective...

Sherlock: But...

John: But the police don't go to private detectives.

Sherlock: I'm a consulting detective. The only one in the world. I invented the job.

John: What does that mean?

Sherlock: It means whenever the police are out of their depth—which is always—they consult me.

John: [scoffs] The police don't consult amateurs. [Sherlock looks at him askance, then gives a sly smile.]

Sherlock: When I met you for the first time yesterday, I said "Afghanistan or Iraq?" You looked surprised.

John: Yes. How did you know?

Sherlock: I didn't know, I saw. Your haircut, the way you hold yourself, says military. But your conversation as you entered the room said trained at Bart's, so army doctor. Obvious. Your face is tanned, but no tan above the wrists: you've been abroad but not sunbathing. The limp's really bad when you walk, but you don't ask for a chair when you stand, like you've forgotten about it, so it's at least partly psychosomatic. That says the original circumstances of the injury were probably traumatic: wounded in action, then. Wounded in action, suntan: Afghanistan or Iraq.

John: You said I had a therapist.

Sherlock: You've got a psychosomatic limp. Of course you've got a therapist. Then there's your brother. Your phone—it's expensive, email enabled, MP3 player. But you're looking for a flat-share, you wouldn't waste money on this. It's a gift, then. Scratches—not one, many over time. It's been in the same pocket as keys and coins. The man sitting next to me wouldn't treat his one luxury item like this, so it's had a previous owner. The next bit's easy, you know it already. [the back of the phone has been engraved "Harry Watson — from Clara xxx"]

John: The engraving?

Sherlock: Harry Watson: clearly a family member who's given you his old phone. Not your father, this is a young man's gadget. Could be a cousin, but you're a war hero who can't find a place to live. Unlikely you've got an extended family, certainly not one you're close to, so brother it is. Now, Clara: who's Clara? Three kisses says a romantic attachment. Expensive phone says wife, not girlfriend. Must've given it to him recently; this model's only six months old. Marriage in trouble, then—six months on, and already he's giving it away? If she'd left him, he would've kept it. People do, sentiment. But no, he wanted rid of it—he left her. He gave the phone to you, that says he wants you to stay in touch. [beat] You're looking for cheap accommodation and you're not going to your brother for help? That says you've got problems with him. Maybe you liked his wife, maybe you don't like his drinking.

John: How can you possibly know about the drinking?

Sherlock: Shot in the dark. Good one, though. Power connection: tiny little scuff marks around the edge. Every night he goes to plug it in and charge but his hands are shaky. You never see those marks on a sober man's phone, never see a drunk's without them. There you go, you see? You were right.

John: I was right? Right about what?

Sherlock: The police don't consult amateurs.

[Long beat]

John: [slowly] That was amazing.

Sherlock: [deadpan] You think so?

John: Of course it was. It was extraordinary. It was quite... extraordinary.

Sherlock: That's not what people normally say.

John: What do people normally say?

Sherlock: "Piss off!"

Sherlock: Did I get anything wrong?

John: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.

Sherlock: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.

John: Harry's short for Harriet.

Sherlock: [stops walking] Harry's your sister.

John: What exactly am I supposed to be doing here?

Sherlock: [starts to stride along] Sister!

John: No, seriously, what am I doing here?

Sherlock: There's always something.

Sherlock: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.

Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated! Are we clear on that?

Sherlock: Quite clear. And is your wife away for long?

Anderson: Oh don't pretend you worked that out! Somebody told you that!

Sherlock: Your deodorant told me that.

Anderson: My deodorant.

Sherlock: It's for men.

Anderson: Well of course it's for men! I'm wearing it!

Sherlock: So's Sergeant Donovan. [sniffs] Ooh... I think it just vaporised. May I go in?

Anderson: Now look, whatever you're implying—

Sherlock: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floors, going by the state of her knees.

[Sally looks visibly embarrassed]

Sherlock: Shut up.

Detective Inspector Lestrade: I didn't say anyth—

Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.

Lestrade: Cardiff?

Sherlock: It's obvious, isn't it?

John: It's not obvious to me.

Sherlock: Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

Anderson: [In the doorway] She's German. "Rache," German for revenge, she could be trying to tell us—

Sherlock: [Interrupts, sarcastically] Yes, thank you for your input. [Shuts the door in Anderson's face]

John: You don't have a girlfriend, then?

Sherlock: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.

John: Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way—

Sherlock: I know it's fine.

John: So you've got a boyfriend?

Sherlock: No.

John: Right, okay. You're unattached, just like me. Fine. Good.

Sherlock: [After an awkward pause] John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I'm—

John: No—

Sherlock: —really not looking for anyone—

John: No. I'm not asking— no. I was just saying. Its all fine.

Sherlock: Good. Thank you.

Sherlock: [about the murder victim] Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.

John: That's fantastic!

Sherlock: Do you know you do that out loud?

John: Sorry. I'll shut up.

Sherlock: No, it's... fine.

Sherlock: That's clever. Is it clever? Why is it clever?

Sherlock: We've got a serial killer on our hands. Love those, there's always something to look forward to.

Sherlock: Did he offer you money to spy on me...?

John: Yes.

Sherlock: Did you take it?

John: ...No?

Sherlock: Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.

John: You got all that because you realised the case would be pink?

Sherlock: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.

John: Why didn't I think of that?

Sherlock: Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.

[To retrieve the suitcase, Scotland Yard executes a pretend drugs bust on Sherlock's apartment]

Anderson: We found the case! According to someone, "the murderer has the case". And we found it in the hands of our favourite psychopath!

Sherlock: [with contempt] I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Sherlock: You can't just break into my flat!

Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence! And I didn't break in to your flat.

Sherlock: Well what do you call this then?

Lestrade: It's a drugs bust!

John: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?

Sherlock: John.

John: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day and you wouldn't find anything that you could call recreational.

Sherlock: John, you might want to shut up now.

John: Yeah, but come on... no...

Sherlock: What?

John: ...You?

Sherlock: Shut up. [To Lestrade] I'm not your sniffer dog.

Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.

Sherlock: What, A— [spots Anderson] Anderson? What are you doing here on a drugs bust?!

Anderson: Oh I volunteered.

Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking on the drug squad, but they're very keen.

[Sgt Donovan comes out of the kitchen with a small clear glass jar with 3 or 4 eyes in it]

Donovan: Are these human eyes?

Sherlock: Put those back!

Donovan: They were in the microwave!

Sherlock: It's an experiment!

Sherlock: Shut up everybody, shut up! Don't move, don't speak, don't breathe, I'm trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off.

Anderson: What, my face is?

Lestrade: Everybody, quiet and still. Anderson, turn your back.

Anderson: Oh, for God's sake...

Lestrade: Your back! Now, please!

Sherlock: Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.

Lestrade: But how...?

Sherlock: ...What do you mean how?

[Lestrade shrugs]

Sherlock: Rachel! ...Don't you see? Rachel!

[Everyone stares blankly]

Sherlock: ...Ha. Look at you lot. You're all so vacant. Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing.

Lestrade: Maybe it was in the case when you brought it back. And it fell out somewhere.

Sherlock: What? And I didn't notice it? Me?

Sherlock: Bitterness is a paralytic. Love is a much more vicious motivator.

Sherlock: [sitting in the back of an ambulance as a paramedic throws a garish orange blanket over his shoulders] Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me!

Lestrade: Yeah, that's for shock.

Sherlock: I'm not in shock!

Lestrade: Yeah... but some of the guys want to take photographs.

[When Sherlock asks about the shooter]

Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them might have been following him, but we've got nothing to go on.

Sherlock: Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Lestrade: Ok, give me?

Sherlock: The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot like that over that distance from that sort of weapon, you're looking for a crack shot but not just a marksman, his hands mustn't have shaken at all so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger so obviously has a strong moral principle. You're looking for someone probably with a history of military service and nerves of steel... [sees John and suddenly realises] Actually, you know what? Ignore me.

Lestrade: ...Sorry?

Sherlock: Ignore all of that. It's just the, uh, shock talking.

Lestrade: Wait, where are you going?

Sherlock: I just need to, uh, talk about the rent—

Lestrade: But I still have questions for you!

Sherlock: Oh, what, now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket.

Lestrade: Sherlock!

Sherlock: Are you alright?

John: Yes, of course I'm alright.

Sherlock: Well, you have just killed a man.

John: Yes... that's true, isn't it... but he wasn't a very nice man.

Sherlock: No... no, he wasn't really, was he?

John: No, frankly, a bloody awful cabbie.

Sherlock: That's true, he was a bad cabbie. You should've seen the route he took us to get here.

[They start giggling]

John: Stop it! We can't giggle at a crime scene.

Sherlock: You're the one who shot him, now let me

[They giggle some more]

John: Can you keep your voice down

Mycroft Holmes: For goodness sake! I occupy a minor position in the British Government.

Sherlock: He is the British Government when he's not too busy being the British Secret Services or the CIA on a freelance basis. Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does for the traffic.

Tyrion arrives at Joffrey's tournament, accompanied by Bronn and a number of hill tribesmen]

Tyrion Lannister: Beloved nephew! We looked for you on the battlefield, but you were nowhere to be found!

Joffrey Baratheon: [caught offguard] I...I've been here, ruling the kingdoms!

Tyrion Lannister: [mocking] And what a fine job you've done! [turns to his niece Myrcella] Look at you, more beautiful than ever! [to his nephew Tommen] And you! You're going to be bigger than the Hound...but much better looking! [indicates the Hound to Bronn] This one doesn't like me.

Bronn: I can't imagine why.

Joffrey Baratheon: We heard you were dead.

Myrcella Baratheon: I'm glad you're not dead.

Tyrion Lannister: Me too, dear. Death is so boring, especially now with so much excitement in the world. [turns to Sansa] My lady, I'm sorry for your loss.

Joffrey Baratheon: [outraged] Her loss?! Her father was a confessed traitor!

Tyrion Lannister: [curtly] But still her father. Surely having so recently lost your own beloved father, you can sympathise!

Cersei Lannister: I heard a song once, about a boy of modest means, found his way in the home of a very prominent family. He loved the eldest daughter. Sadly, she had eyes for another.

Petyr Baelish: When boys and girls live in the same home, awkward situations can arise. Sometimes, I've heard, even brothers and sisters develop certain affections. And when those affections become common knowledge, well that is an awkward situation indeed, especially in a prominent family. Prominent families often forget a simple truth I found.

Cersei Lannister: And which truth is that?

Petyr Baelish: Knowledge is power.

[Cersei pauses a moment]

Cersei Lannister: [to her guards] Cut his throat. [her guards move to do so] No, wait. [chuckles] I've changed my mind. Let him go. [her guards do so] Step back three paces. [they obey]. Turn around. [they obey] Close your eyes. [they obey]. [steps up to Petyr] Power is power.

Tyrion Lannister: (whistling "The Rains of Castamere" as he enters the Small Council Chamber, to Cersei's surprise) Don't get up!... More ravishing than ever, Big Sister! War agrees with you! (grins mockingly and kisses the cheek of Cersei, who looks disgusted; Janos Slynt, Pycelle, Petyr Baelish and Varys, puzzled, watch him as he moves towards the Hand's chair) Excuse the interruption. Carry on.

Cersei Lannister: What are you doing here?

Tyrion Lannister: It's been a... remarkable journey! (sits down, pours himself wine) I pissed off the edge of the Wall. [Cersei fumes] I slept in a sky-cell. I fought with the Hill-tribes! So many adventures- so much to be thankful for! (takes a gulp of wine)

Cersei Lannister: What are you doing here?! This is the Small Council!

Tyrion Lannister: (unperturbed) Yes- well, I do believe the Hand of the King is welcome at all Small Council meetings.

Cersei Lannister: Father is Hand of the King!

Tyrion Lannister: Yes. But- in his absence- (smugly hands a small scroll to Varys, who unrolls it)

Varys: (to Cersei) Your father has named Lord Tyrion to serve as Hand in his stead (Cersei exhales angrily) while he fights-

Cersei Lannister: (stands up suddenly) OUT! All of you, out! (Slynt, Pycelle, Baelish and Varys bow and leave hastily as Cersei storms around the table towards Tyrion) I would like to know how you tricked Father into this!

Tyrion Lannister: (scornfully) If I were capable of tricking Father, I'd be Emperor of the world by now. You brought this on yourself.

Cersei Lannister: (sits down, gives him a defensive look) I've done nothing.

Tyrion Lannister: Quite right, you did nothing- when your son called for Ned Stark's head! Now the entire North has risen up against us!

Cersei Lannister: I tried to stop it-

Tyrion Lannister: Did you? You failed. That bit of theatre will haunt our family for a generation.

Cersei Lannister:(dismissive) Robb Stark is a child.

Tyrion Lannister: Who's won every battle he's fought! Do you understand we're losing the war?!

Cersei Lannister: What do you know about warfare?

Tyrion Lannister: (shrugs) Nothing. But I know people, and I know that our enemies hate each other almost as much as they hate us. (pause)

Cersei Lannister: Joffrey is King.

Tyrion Lannister: Joffrey is King.

Cersei Lannister: You are here to advise him.

Tyrion Lannister: Only here to advise him. And if the King listens to what I say, the King might just get his uncle Jaime back.

Cersei Lannister: (pause) How?

Tyrion Lannister: You love your children. It's your one redeeming quality. That and your cheekbones. The Starks love their children as well, and we have two of them.

Cersei Lannister: One.

Tyrion Lannister: (raises an eyebrow ominously)...One?!

Cersei Lannister: Arya, that little animal, she disappeared.

Tyrion Lannister: Disappeared? What, in a puff of smoke?! (gives her a look of disbelief at her stupidity) We had three Starks to trade. You chopped one's head off, and let another escape. (smugly) Father would be furious. Must be hard for you- to be the disappointing child.

Jaime Lannister: (mockingly, as Robb enters the cage where he sits bound) The King in the North!... I keep expecting you to leave me in one castle or another for safekeeping, but you drag me along from camp to camp! Have you grown fond of me, Stark? (grins) Is that it? (shrugs)I've never seen you with a girl...

Robb Stark: If I left you with one of my bannermen, your father would know within a fortnight, and my bannermen would receive a raven with a message: "Release my son and you'll be rich beyond your dreams- refuse, and your house'll be destroyed, root and stem."

Jaime Lannister: (shaking his head mockingly, feigning disbelief) You don't trust the loyalty of the men following you into battle?

Robb Stark: (smiles) Oh, I trust them with my life- just not with yours.

Jaime Lannister: (nods with grudging respect) Smart, boy. (stares up at Robb) What's wrong- don't like being called boy? (frowns mockingly) Insulted? (Robb's eyes glance outside the cage. Jaime hears snarling and heavy breathing outside and nervously glances over his shoulder; he sees Robb's direwolf, Grey Wind, stalking around the cage.)

Robb Stark: (calmly) You insult yourself, Kingslayer. You've been defeated by a boy- you'r held captive by a boy... perhaps you'll be killed by a boy. (Grey Wind enters the cage doorway and stands quietly next to Robb; Jaime watches him warily) Stannis Baratheon sent ravens to all the High Lords of Westeros. The King Joffrey Baratheon is neither a true King, nor a true Baratheon. He's your bastard son.

Jaime Lannister: Well, if that's true, Stannis is the rightful King. How convenient for him.

Robb Stark: My father learned the truth. (strokes Grey Wind's neck) That's why you had him executed.

Jaime Lannister: I was your prisoner when Ned Stark lost his head.

Robb Stark: (angrily) Your son killed him so the world wouldn't learn who fathered him and you... you pushed my brother from a window because he saw you with the Queen. (he grips the fur on Grey Wind's neck, causing the wolf to snarl at Jaime)

Jaime Lannister: ...You have proof? Or, do you want to trade gossip like a couple of fishwives?

Robb Stark: I'm sending one of your counsins down the King's Landing with my peace terms.

Jaime Lannister: You think my father's going to negotiate with you? (smiles and shakes his head) You don't know him very well.

Robb Stark: No... (smiles) but he's starting to know me.

Jaime Lannister: Three victories don't make you a conqueror.

Robb Stark: ...It's better than three defeats. (walks out; Grey Wind comes very close to Jaime, snarls and snaps in his face to intimidate him, then follows his master out.)

Robb Stark: [speaking to Alton Lannister, a Lannister emissary] I offer your cousins peace, if they meet my terms. First, your family must release my sisters. Second, my father's bones must be returned to us, so that he may rest beside his brother and sister in the crypts beneath Winterfell. And the remains of all those who died in his service must be returned also, that their families can honour them with proper funerals.

Alton Lannister: An honourable request, your Grace.

Robb Stark: Third, Joffrey and the Queen Regent must renounce all claim to dominion of the north. From this time to the end of time, we are a free and independent kingdom.

Northern Lords and Theon Greyjoy: The King in the North!

Robb Stark: Neither Joffrey nor any of his men shall ever set foot in our lands again. If he disregards this command, he shall suffer the same fate as my father...only I won't need a servant to do my beheading for me!

Alton Lannister: [stammering] Your Grace...these are...

Robb Stark: These are my terms! If the Queen Regent and her son meet them, I'll give them peace. If not, I will litter the south with Lannister dead!

Alton Lannister: King Joffrey is a Baratheon, Your Grace.

Robb Stark: Is he?

[Tyrion enters the Tower of the Hand, and- to his horror- finds Shae laughing with Varys]

Varys: (rises and bows) My Lord. (Tyrion stares at him warily)

Shae: You make me wait a long time- but your friend (indicates Varys) keeps me company!

Varys: We were just speaking of your bravery, in the victory against the Stark auxiliary forces. (smiles impishly)

Tyrion Lannister:...It was quite a battle. (crosses the room to pour himself wine)

Varys: I heard you suffered a terrible head wound. The Northerners are such fearsome warriors.

Shae: And, I tell him the story of how we meet. (Tyrion turns around quickly)

Varys: To find so lovely a creature, working in your father's kitchens. (Shae giggles, Varys smiles at Tyrion) It almost beggers belief.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles back) Strange things do happen. You should taste her fish pie.

Shae: I don't think Lord Varys likes fish pie.

Varys: How can you tell?

Shae: (chuckles) I can always tell. (Varys smiles)

Tyrion Lannister: Men like Lord Varys and I can't let our disadvantages get the best of us. We'll make a fisherman of him yet. (drinks)

Varys: I am glad your new friend was able to accompany you to the Capitol. Friends are such an important part of life. (raises his eyebrows at Tyrion) Unfortunate that your father didn't want her to come- but rest easy, my Lord. (lowers his voice conspiratorially) I am very good at keeping secrets for my good friends. (grins)

Tyrion Lannister: Your discretion is legendary... where your friends are concerned.

Varys: (rises, turns to Shae) How unspeakable of me to go on and on, when all you want to do is rest. I will leave you. (kisses her hand) Welcome to King's Landing, my dear- the city is made brighter by your presence (Shae smiles, Varys heads towards the door) We have a Council meeting, my Lord? (Tyrion heads for the door as well, while Shae heads for the next room)

Tyrion Lannister: (barring Varys' way out) I don't like threats.

Varys: (feigning ignorance) Who threatened you?

Tyrion Lannister: I'm not Ned Stark, I understand the way this game is played.

Varys: Ned Stark was a man of honour-

Tyrion Lannister: And I am not. Threaten me again and I'll have you thrown into the sea!

Varys: (now barring Tyrion's way out) You might be disappointed in the results. The storms come and go, the big fish eat the little fish and I... keep on paddling. (moves his hand away) Come, my Lord- we shouldn't keep the Queen waiting.

Davos Seaworth: You'll have your gold when we take the treasury at King's Landing.

Sallador Saan: All these kings, fighting for the throne, and Stannis is the one with the smallest army! Why would I bet on the man with the worst chance?

Davos Seaworth: Because you're a smart gambler. Stannis has proved himself in war, twice. His baby brother has never set foot on a battlefield; neither has the false King, Joffrey.

Sallador Saan: And yet, they both have larger armies.

Davos Seaworth: Stannis has just begun to fight. His bannermen will flock to his cause. (pause) There's no man in the Seven Kingdoms more honorable than Stannis Baratheon- or more worthy of loyalty.

Sallador Saan: What is the world coming to when smugglers must vouch for the honor of kings? (gestures jokingly at Davos)

Mathos Seaworth: (offended) Mind your words, pirate!

Davos Seaworth: Mathos!

Sallador Saan: (scoffs) You think I'm insulted? I am a pirate- I'm an excellent pirate! (chuckles) I don't sail for promises.

Davos Seaworth: Of course you do. Every time you leave harbor, you're leavin' on a promise- a promise that somewhere on the sea, somebody's got some gold, and you can take it from them.

Sallador Saan: That's a promise that always comes true.

Davos Seaworth: As is mine. You're not a young man, Sallador; and correct me if I'm wrong, but most pirates don't grow old.

Sallador Saan: (grins ruefully) Only the clever ones.

Davos Seaworth: If you want to spend your last years on the seas stealing from Pentoshi cheese-mongers and Meereenese silk merchants, then go on- they're out there, waiting for you! That's easy. What I'm offering you is hard. (pause, Sallador looks at him thoughtfully) Come with me and plunder the greatest city in Westeros. You'll be the richest man in Lys and the most famous. They'll be singing songs about you as long as men have voices to sing.

Salladhor Saan: ...Sallador Saan is a good name for songs.

Davos Seaworth: It is.

Sallador Saan: One thing; I want the Queen.

Davos Seaworth: The Queen?

Salladhor Saan: Cersei. I want her. I'll sail with your fleet, all 30 of my ships, and if we don't drown at the bottom of Blackwater Bay, I'll fuck this blond queen and I'll fuck her well.

Mathos Seaworth: (angrily) This war isn't about you. We're not attacking King's Landing so that you can rape the Queen!

Salladhor Saan: I'm not going to rape her, I'm going to fuck her.

Mathos Seaworth: As if she would just let you.

Salladhor Saan: You don't know how persuasive I am. I never tried to fuck you. (gives Mathos a suggestive look; Mathos recoils, and Sallador laughs)

Matthos Seaworth: (angrily) Stannis is the rightful King and the Lord of Light!

Salladhor Saan: (rolls his eyes) I've been all over the world, my boy, and everywhere I go people tell me about the true god. They all think they found the right one. The one true God is what's between a woman's legs, and better yet a Queen's legs. (Matthos walks away, Sallador turns to Davos) I never thought you'd have a true believer for a son.

Davos Seaworth: Ah, he's young yet. I promise you the gold. I promise you the glory. I cannot promise you the Queen.

Salladhor Saan: You believe your king can win?

Davos Seaworth: He is the one, true king.

Salladhor Saan: (shakes his head ruefully) You Westerosi are funny people. A man chops off your fingers and you fall in love with him! (they both laugh, pause) I'll sail with you, Davos Seaworth. You're the most honest smuggler I ever met. Make me rich.

Davos Seaworth: Get me to the gates of King's Landing, and I will. (they shake hands)

(One of Daenerys's bloodriders has just returned, beheaded)

Ser Jorah Mormont: You have no need to see this.

Daenerys Targaryen: He is blood of my blood. Who did this?

Ser Jorah Mormont: Khal Pono, perhaps. Khal Jhaqo. They don't like the idea of a woman leading a khalasar.

Daenerys Targaryen: They will like it far less when I am done with them.

Janos Slynt: (after Podrick Payne accidentally spills wine on his hand) Dammit, boy!

Podrick Payne: Apologies, my Lord.

Tyrion Lannister: Leave us, Podrick- I believe we know how to pour our own wine. (Podrick leaves)

Janos Slynt: That your new squire? I Could've found you a proper lad...

Tyrion Lannister: Myself, I prefer the improper ones. (they chuckle, then drink)

Janos Slynt: Mmm- that's a good red. Dornish?

Tyrion Lannister: (nods) You know your wines, my Lord!

Janos Slynt: (smiles) That I do. (looks over the table) a fine dinner, my Lord.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles) Call me Tyrion, please. I'm sure you're getting used to fine dinners, now that you're a Lord.

Janos Slynt: Maybe I'll hire this cook of yours.

Tyrion Lannister: (jokingly) Wars have been started for less! (Janos laughs and drinks again, Tyrion smiles, watching him carefully) I heard there was some trouble in Littlefinger's brothel, the other night.

Janos Slynt: (sets down his wine cup, nods) Nasty business- had to be done.

Tyrion Lannister: Yes, of course- the City Watch must keep the peace. (Janos nods) Only- I hadn't realized peace depended on killing babies.

Janos Slynt: (looks at him suspiciously) Orders are orders.

Tyrion Lannister: Quite right- especially the Queen's orders. (laughs half-heartedly)

Janos Slynt: (smiles coldly) I never said they were the Queen's orders.

Tyrion Lannister: No, but- who else would want to murder King Robert's bastards? She's always been a jealous woman

Janos Slynt: (clearly looking to change the subject) You know your sister better than I do.

Tyrion Lannister: You've heard the awful rumors about my brother and sister-

Janos Slynt: I don't listen to filth.

Tyrion Lannister: Well- that's good of you, but you have heard them. (with underlying sarcasm) I suppose people who do believe that filth consider Robert's bastards to be better claimants to the Throne than Cersei's children!

Janos Slynt: (impatiently) Joffrey is my King, the rest doesn't interest me.

Tyrion Lannister: I appreciate your loyalty. (Janos nods and drinks; Tyrion's smile suddenly vanishes) Tell me, when your men slaughtered Ned Stark's men in the throne room, did you give the order?

Janos Slynt: (visibly impatient that Tyrion will not drop the subject) I did, and I would again. The man was a traitor, he tried to buy my loyalty!

Tyrion Lannister: The fool...he had no idea you were already bought!

Janos Slynt: (angry) Are you drunk?! I'll not have my honour questioned by an imp!

Tyrion Lannister: (chuckles) I'm not questioning your honour, Lord Janos...I'm denying its existence!

Janos Slynt: (stands up, furious) If you think I'll stand here and take this from you, dwarf-

Tyrion Lannister: (sharply) "Dwarf"? You should've stopped at "Imp"! And, yes, you will stand here and take it from me- unless you'd like to take it from my friend here! (Janos looks to his right and sees Bronn standing there, grinning) I intend to serve as Hand of the King until my father returns from the war, and since you betrayed the last Hand of the King- well, I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about.

Janos Slynt: What are you- my friends at court will not allow this! The Queen herself-

Tyrion Lannister: The Queen Regent! And you're a fool to believe she is your friend.

Janos Slynt: (menacingly) We shall hear what Joffrey has to say about this!-

Tyrion Lannister: No, we shan't. (nods to Bronn, who nods to four Gold-Cloaks marching into the room.) There's a ship leaving for Eastwatch-by-the-Sea tonight. From there, it's rather a long walk to Castle Black. I hope you enjoy the Wall- I found it surprisingly beautiful- in a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way. (smiles)

Bronn: (smugly) The lads will escort you- the streets aren't safe at night, my Lord. (Janos looks from him to Tyrion to the Gold-Cloaks in disbelief and rage)

Janos Slynt: These men are under my command! (Bronn rolls his eyes) I command you to arrest this cutthroat!

Tyrion Lannister: His name is Bronn- and he is the new Commander of the City Watch.

Bronn: Boys? (nods to the Gold-Cloaks, who step forward and grab Janos' arms, marching him out of the room)

Janos Slynt: (struggling as he is dragged out) I have friends at court- powerful friends! The King himself made me a Lord- (As the Watch leave with Janos, Bronn sits down in his vacated chair and accepts a cup of wine from Tyrion)

Tyrion Lannister: To the new Commander. (they toast and drink) If I told you to murder an infant girl- say, still at her mother's breast- would you do it, without question?

Bronn: Without question? No. (pause) I'd ask how much. (Tyrion stares at him uneasily)

Cersei Lannister: Lord Janos Slynt was Commander of the City Watch. You had no right to exile him-!

Tyrion Lannister: I have every right! I am the King's Hand!

Cersei Lannister: You're serving as the King's Hand until Father gets here. I am the Queen Regent!

Tyrion Lannister: Listen to me, Queen Regent, you're losing the people. Do you hear me?!

Cersei Lannister: [sneers] The people? You think I care?!

Tyrion Lannister: You might find it difficult to rule over millions who want you dead. Half this city will starve when winter comes, the other half will plot to overthrow you...and your gold-plated thugs just gave them their rallying cry; "The Queen slaughters babies!" [Cersei remains silent] You don't even have the decency to deny it! [realises] It wasn't you who gave the order, was it? Joffrey didn't even tell you? [Another uncomfortable pause] Did he tell you? I imagine that would be even worse.

Cersei Lannister: He did what needed to be done! You want to be Hand of the King?! You want to rule?! This is what ruling is; lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out by the root, one by one, before they strangle you in your sleep!

Tyrion Lannister: I'm no king, but I think there's more to ruling than that.

Cersei Lannister: [furious] I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! You've never taken it seriously; you haven't, Jaime hasn't. It's all fallen on me.

Tyrion Lannister: As has Jaime repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon. [A pause, and then Cersei giggles]

Cersei Lannister: You're funny. You've always been funny...but none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they? Do you remember, back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?

Tyrion Lannister: [angry and hurt] She was my mother too.

Bran: Every night it's the same: I'm walking, running, but I'm not me. I'm running through the Godswood, sniffing the dirt, tasting blood in my mouth when I've made a fresh kill, howling. Old Nan used to tell me stories about magical people who could live inside stags, birds, wolves.

Maester Luwin: That's exactly what they were, Bran: stories.

Bran: So she was lying? They don't exist?

Maester Luwin: Well, they may have done, but they're gone from the world along with much else. These are dreams, Bran, nothing more.

Bran: No. My dreams are different. Mine are true. I dreamt of my father dying and Rickon had the same dream.

Maester Luwin: What about all the dreams you had that didn't come true? [removes a link from his chain] This link is made of Valyrian steel. Only one Maester in a hundred wears it on his chain. It signifies that I have studied the higher mysteries, and all who study these mysteries try their hand at spells. I was not different. I was young and what boy doesn't secretly wish for special powers to lift him out of his dull life into a special one, but in the end, for all of my efforts, I got no more out of it than a thousand boys before me. Come on. [tucks Bran back to bed] Maybe magic once was a mighty force in the world, but not anymore; the dragons are gone, the giants are dead, and the children of the forest forgotten.

Tyrion Lannister: (accepting a vial of laxatives from Grand Maester Pycelle) Thank the Gods- I haven't had a proper shit in six days!

Pycelle: (chuckles) I've encountered this problem before, my Lord- the stresses of power often have this- erm- insalubrious effect. Two drops with water, daily.

Tyrion Lannister: I'm so grateful to have a man of your vast knowledge and wisdom on my side! (Pycelle makes a gesture of modesty and supplication) Please... (gestures to a chair)

Pycelle: Oh- thank you, my Lord. (shuffles over, sits)

Tyrion Lannister: (pause) I can trust you, Pycelle, can I not?

Pycelle: (feigning surprise) Why, yes, of course, my Lord!

Tyrion Lannister: These are perilous times- and the Crown must forge new alliances. (Pycelle nods) And these alliances must often be sealed in matrimony. (sits adjacent to Pycelle at the table)

Pycelle: Matrimony, eh? Yes... (nods)

Tyrion Lannister: I'm trusting the Council with these plans, but the Queen mustn't know. (Pycelle looks at him in confusion) I can't have her... meddling in affairs that could determine the future of the Realm- there's too much at stake!

Pycelle: Oh, yes, indeed... (nods definitively) I shall be silent as the grave!

Tyrion Lannister: (stands up, walks away from Pycelle) I'm brokering an alliance with House Martell of Dorne. Princess Myrcella will wed their youngest son, when she comes of age- ensuring their loyalty, and their army, should we need it. (pours himself wine)

Pycelle: (looking privately alarmed) Myrcella... sent away to Dorne?

Tyrion Lannister: But, remember- the Queen mustn't know. (walks back to the table- Pycelle's seat is now occupied by Varys)

Varys: Ooooh- "The Queen mustn't know" (grins; Tyrion returns the grin and hands him a cup of wine) I love conversations that begin this way.

Tyrion Lannister: I plan to marry Princess Myrcella off... to Theon Greyjoy.

Varys: (looks bewildered) Theon Greyjoy. Forgive me, my Lord, but how? He grew up a ward of Winterfell- he fights for Robb Stark.

Tyrion Lannister: Precisely- Theon's father loathed the Starks, and will convince the boy to come to our side. (walks away, with Varys watching him uncertainly) Greyjoy can destroy the Northern army from within, and we can have his father's ships. But, remember- you must tell no one. (turns around; Varys is gone, and Petyr Baelish is leaning against the table)

Petyr Baelish: (smiles) Tell no-one ...what?

Tyrion Lannister: I plan to wed Princess Myrcella... to Robin Arynn of the Vale. (Baelish looks at him inquiringly) Lhysa... is not fond of me. But, perhaps the promise of a Royal match will convince her to... let bygones be bygones. (shrugs)

Petyr Baelish: (chuckles disbelievingly) She imprisoned you- she tried to execute you- and you offer her son, a princess?

Tyrion Lannister: (walks towards Littlefinger) For men in our position, holding grudges can be... an encumberance, don't you think? (smiles)

Petyr Baelish: And I suppose... you want me to broker this agreement?

Tyrion Lannister: Who better? (Baelish steps around the table)

Petyr Baelish: Yes, I could sing this song to Lhysa, if I cared to... What's in it for me?

Tyrion Lannister: The gratitude of the people of Westeros, for helping to end this war...the adoration of the King, for helping to bring the Vale back into the fold... and Harrenhall.

Petyr Baelish: Harrenhall is cursed. (turns away)

Tyrion Lannister: I never took you for a superstitious man. By all means, tear it down and rebuild. You'll be able to afford it- I'm planning to make you Lord of the Riverlands. (Baelish turns around sharply)

Petyr Baelish:(suspiciously) With a single stroke, you'd make me one of the greatest Lords in the Realm-

Tyrion Lannister: You served my family well, in the matter of the succession. (drinks)

Petyr Baelish: So did Janos Slynt- and he was given Harrenhall too, until you snatched it away.

Tyrion Lannister: I need you, to deliver Lhysa Arynn- I didn't need Janos Slynt. (smiles) It's settled, then? (Baelish nods, slowly) Good! (starts to leave, then turns back) Oh, and remember-

Petyr Baelish: The Queen mustn't know. (smiles; Tyrion grins, drains his wine cup and leaves)

Loras Tyrell: Has your son marched against Tywin Lannister yet?

Catelyn Stark: I do not sit on my son's war councils, and if I did, I would not share his strategies with you.

Loras Tyrell: If Robb Stark wants a pact with us, he should come himself, not hide behind his mother's skirts!

Catelyn Stark: My son is fighting a war, not playing at one! (The Baratheon/Tyrell soldiers fall silent, stunned at this insult, but Renly merely laughs)

Renly Baratheon: (comes down from his dais and approaches Catelyn) Don't worry, my Lady- our war is only beginning.

Renly Baratheon: I have a hundred thousand men at my command, all the might of the Stormlands and the Reach.

Catelyn Stark: And all of them young and bold like your Knight of Flowers. It's a game to you, isn't it? I pity them.

Renly Baratheon: Why?

Catelyn Stark: Because it won't last. Because they are the knights of summer and winter is coming.

Balon Greyjoy: What are our words? [Theon hesitates] Our words?

Theon Greyjoy: "We Do Not Sow"

Balon Greyjoy: "We Do Not Sow". We are Ironborn. We're not subjects, we're not slaves. We do not plow the fields or toil in the mines. We take what is ours. Your time with the wolves has made you weak.

Theon Greyjoy: You act as if I volunteered to go. You gave me away if you remember. The day you bend the knee to Robert Baratheon. After he crushed you. Did you take what was yours then?[Balon slaps Theon] You gave me away! Your boy! Your last boy! You gave me away like I was some dog you didn't want anymore. And now you curse me because I've come home.

Cersei Lannister: You monster! Myrcella is my only daughter. Do you really think I will let you sell her like a common whore!?

Tyrion Lannister: Myrcella is a princess! Some would say she was born for this!

Cersei Lannister: I will not let you ship her off to Dorne as I was shipped off to Robert Baratheon!

Tyrion Lannister: Dorne is the safest place for her.

Cersei Lannister: Are you mad? The Martells loathe us!

Tyrion Lannister: That's why we need to seduce them. We're going to need their support in the war your son started!

Cersei Lannister: She'll be a hostage.

Tyrion Lannister: A guest.

Cersei Lannister: You won't get away with this. You think the piece of paper father gave you keeps you safe? Ned Stark had a piece of paper too.

[Tyrion briefly half-smiles but then looks at his sister with a serious face.]

Tyrion Lannister: It's done, Cersei.

Cersei Lannister: No.

Tyrion Lannister: You cannot stop it!

Cersei Lannister: [Breaks glass] No!

Tyrion Lannister: Just how safe do you think Myrcella is if the city falls? Do you want to see her raped and butchered like the Targaryen children?! Make no mistake, they will mount her pretty little head on a spike right beside yours.

Cersei Lannister: Get out! [Pushes Tyrion back onto the stairs] Get out!

[Tyrion leaves, Cersei just sits on a chair and hangs her in sorrow.]

(Tyrion, Bronn and Timmet barge into Pycelle's chambers, with a naked whore lying next to him)

Grand Maestar Pycelle: What is the meaning of this?! [Bronn drags Pycelle to his feet] No! No, please!

Tyrion Lannister: You disappoint me, Grand Maester.

Grand Maester Pycelle: I am your loyal servant.

Tyrion Lannister: So loyal that you told the queen about my plans to send Myrcella to Dorne.

Grand Maester Pycelle: No, never! It's a falsehood, I swear it. It wasn't me. (smiles) Ah, Varys! It was Varys, the Spider-

Tyrion Lannister: See, I told Varys that I was giving the princess to the Greyjoys. I told Littlefinger that I planned to wed her to Robin Arryn. I told no one that I was offering her to the Dornish. No one but you.

Grand Maester Pycelle: The eunuch has spies everywhere-

Tyrion Lannister: [to Timmet] Cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats.

Timmet: [confused] There are no goats, halfman.

Tyrion Lannnister: [exasperated] Well, make do! [To Pycelle] How long have you been spying for my sister?

Grand Maester Pycelle: All I did, I did for House Lannister. Always. Your lord father, ask him. I've always been his servant, since the days of the Mad King.

Tyrion Lannister: [shakes his head] I don't like his beard...

Grand Maester Pycelle: What? [Bronn grabs Pycelle's beard] No! [Bronn cuts off the beard] AHHH!

Tyrion Lannister: How many Hands have you betrayed, Pycelle? Eddard Stark, Jon Arryn...

Grand Maester Pycelle: Lord Arryn! He knew, he knew the truth about the- the Queen and he planned to act, to tell King Robert-

Tyrion Lannister: So you poisoned him?

Grand Maester Pycelle: [outraged] No! Never!

Tyrion Lannister: But you let him die! Made sure he succumbed!

Grand Maester Pycelle: [desperate] Lannister, I've always served Lannister...!

Tyrion Lannister: [disgusted] Get him out of my sight! Throw him in one of the black cells! [Bronn and Timett drag a protesting Pycelle out; Tyrion gives a gold coin to Pycelle's frightened whore] For your troubles. [pauses, then places another coin atop the first]

Varys: (after Tyrion has poured them wine) You'll be pleased to know that our mutual friend is doing quite well in Lady Sansa's service. (drinks)

Tyrion: (distractedly) Good- one of my better ideas. (drinks)

Varys: And, it seems the Grand Maester has found his way into a black cell? (Tyrion shrugs, Varys smiles) Well played, my Lord Hand. But-should I be worried? Janos Slynt, Pycelle...the Small Council grows smaller every day.

Tyrion Lannister: The Council has a reputation for serving past Hands poorly. I don't mean to follow Ned Stark to the grave.

Varys: Power is a curious thing, my lord. Are you fond of riddles?

Tyrion Lannister: Why, am I about to hear one?

Varys: Three great men sit in a room; a king, a priest and a rich man. Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives, who dies?

Tyrion Lannister: ...Depends on the sellsword.

Varys: Does it? He has neither crown, nor gold, nor the favour of the gods.

Tyrion Lannister: He has a sword, the power of life and death.

Varys: But if it's swordsmen who rule... why do we pretend kings hold all the power? When Ned Stark lost his head, who was truly responsible? Joffrey? The executioner? Or something else?

Tyrion Lannister: (frowns) I've decided I don't like riddles.

Varys: Power resides where men believe it resides. It's a trick, a shadow on the wall, and... a very small man can cast a very large shadow. (they both smile and drink)

[Robb Stark and Roose Bolton survey the battlefield after their victory at Oxcross]

Roose Bolton: (pleased) Five Lannisters dead, for every one of ours. (they pass men looting the corpses) We've nowhere to keep these prisoners- we have barely enough food to feed our own-

Robb Stark: We're not executing prisoners, Lord Bolton.

Roose Bolton: Of course, Your Grace. (pause) The officers will be useful- some of them may be privy to Tywin Lannister's plans.

Robb Stark: I doubt it.

Roose Bolton: Well, we'll learn soon enough. In my family, we say: "A naked man has few secrets, a flayed man none."

Robb Stark: (sharply) My father outlawed flaying in the North.

Roose Bolton: (impatient) We're not in the North-

Robb Stark: (stops) We're not torturing them! (Roose stops and stares at him)

Roose Bolton: The high road's very pretty, but you'll have a hard time marching your army down it.

Robb Stark: The Lannisters hold prisoners of their own. (pause) I won't give them an excuse to abuse my sisters.

Robb Stark: What's your name?

Talisa Maegyr: Talisa.

Robb Stark: Your last name?

Talisa Maegyr: (smirks) You want to know what side my family fights on?

Robb Stark: You know my family name; you have me at a disadvantage-

Talisa Maegyr: (angrily) That boy lost his foot on your orders.

Robb Stark: They killed my father-

Talisa Maegyr: That boy did?

Robb Stark: The family he fights for.

Talisa Maegyr: Do you think he's friends with King Joffrey? (pause) He's a fisherman's son that grew up near Lannisport; he probably never even held a spear before they shoved one in his hands a few months ago!

Robb Stark: (defensively) I have no hatred for the lad! (Talisa packs up her medical kit and stands up)

Talisa Maegyr: (sarcastically) That should help his foot grow back. (she walks away, Robb pauses, then follows her)

Robb Stark: You'd have us surrender- end all this bloodshed. I understand. The country would be at peace. (sarcastically) And life would be just under the righteous hand of good King Joffrey.

Talisa Maegyr: (washing her hands) You going to kill Joffrey?

Robb Stark: If the Gods give me strength.

Talisa Maegyr: And then what?

Robb Stark: I don't know. We'll go back to Winterfell. (Talisa stares at him) I have no desire to sit the Iron Throne.

Talisa Maegyr: So who will?

Robb Stark: I don't know.

Talisa Maegyr: You're fighting to overthrow a King, and yet you have no plan for what comes after?

Robb Stark: First we have to win the war. (Talisa gets onto a cart as it rolls away) You gonna tell me where you're from?

Talisa Maegyr: Volantis.

Robb Stark: Volantis? You're far from home. (pause) The boy was lucky you were here.

Talisa Maegyr: He was unlucky that you were.

[Tyrion storms in on Joffrey publicly tormenting Sansa, entering as Joffrey tries to have her stripped naked]

Tyrion Lannister: [furious] What is the meaning of this?! What kind of knight beats a helpless girl?!

Meryn Trant: The kind who serves his king, Imp!

Bronn: Careful now, we don't want to get blood all over your pretty white cloak!

Tyrion Lannister: Someone get the girl something to cover herself with. [Sandor Clegane gives Sansa his cloak] She's to be your Queen. Have you no regard for her honour?!

Joffrey Baratheon: I'm punishing her!

Tyrion Lannister: For what crimes?! She did not fight her brother's battle, you halfwit!

Joffrey Baratheon: You can't talk to me like that! The king can do as he likes! (storms back to his throne and sits down, petulantly)

Tyrion Lannister: The Mad King did as he liked. Has your uncle Jaime ever told you what happened to him?

Meryn Trant: No one threatens His Grace in the presence of the Kingsguard! (reaches for his sword)

Tyrion Lannister: I'm not threatening the king, ser. I'm educating my nephew. Bronn, the next time Ser Meryn speaks, kill him. (Trant looks hastily at Bronn, who grins at him) That was a threat. See the difference?! (he goes over to Sansa and offers her his hand; after hesitating, Sansa takes it cautiously and gets up, allowing Tyrion to lead her out of the Throne Room. Joffrey stands up angrily, but does nothing) I apologize for my nephew's behavior. Tell me the truth: do you want an end to this engagement?

Sansa Stark: (in a flat tone) I am loyal to King Joffrey, my one true love. (lets go of Tyrion's hand and walks on, her head held high)

Tyrion Lannister:(stares after her admiringly)...Lady Stark. You may survive us yet.

Stannis Baratheon: Lady Stark- I had not thought to find you in the Stormlands.

Catelyn Stark: I had not thought to be here, Lord Stannis.

Renly Baratheon: Can that truly be you?

Stannis Baratheon: Who else might it be?

Renly Baratheon: When I saw your standard, I couldn't be sure. Whose banner is that?

Stannis Baratheon: My own.

Renly Baratheon: I suppose if we use the same one, the battle will be terribly confusing. Why is your stag on fire?

Melisandre: The king has taken for his sigil the fiery heart of the Lord of Light.

Renly Baratheon: [grins] Ah, you must be this fire priestess we hear so much about. Ah brother, now I understand why you found religion in your old age!

Stannis Baratheon: Watch yourself, Renly!

Renly Baratheon: No, no, I'm relieved. I never really believed you were a fanatic; charmless, rigid, a bore, yes, but not a godly man.

Melisandre: You should kneel before your brother. He is the Lord's Chosen, born amidst salt and smoke.

Renly Baratheon: 'Born amidst salt and smoke'? Is he a ham?

Stannis Baratheon: That's twice I've warned you.

Catelyn Stark: Listen to yourselves! If you were sons of mine, I would knock your heads together and lock you in a bedchamber together until you remember you're brothers.

Stannis Baratheon: It is strange to find you beside my brother, Lady Stark. Your husband was a supporter of my claim; Lord Eddard's integrity cost him his head. And you sit beside this pretender and chastise me?!

Catelyn Stark: We share a common enemy -

Stannis Baratheon: The Iron Throne is mine by right. All those who deny that are my foes.

Renly Baratheon: The whole realm denies it, from Dorne to the Wall. Old men deny it with their death rattles and unborn children deny it in their mothers' wombs. No one wants you for their king. You never wanted any friends, brother, but a man without friends is a man without power.

Stannis Baratheon: For the sake of the mother who bore us, I will give you this one night to reconsider. Strike your banners, come to me before dawn and I will grant you your old seat on the Council. I'll even name you my heir, until a son is born to me. Otherwise I shall destroy you.

Renly Baratheon: [motions to his vast army] Look across those fields, brother. Can you see all those banners?

Stannis Baratheon: You think a few bolts of cloth will make you king?!

Renly Baratheon: No. The men holding those bolts of cloth will make me king!

Stannis Baratheon: We shall see, Renly. Come the dawn, we shall see! [Stannis and his retinue turn to leave]

Melisandre: Look to your sins, Lord Renly. The night is dark and full of terrors.

Renly Baratheon: [to his retinue] Would you believe? I loved him once.

Renly Baratheon:(sees Littlefinger in his war-camp and laughs mockingly) Well- if it isn't my favorite whoremonger! I pray I haven't kept you waiting long. (walks past Baelish with Brienne of Tarth and his bodyguards, into his tent)

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish:...Your Grace. (follows Renly in)

Renly Baratheon: (sits down) Now, you do the Lannisters bidding- is that it? Tell me, was my brother's body even cold before you secured your newest patron?

Petyr Baelish:...I'm a practical man.

Renly Baratheon: (glares at him)...Just not a loyal one.

Petyr Baelish: And who would you have me be loyal to- your brother's corpse?

Renly Baratheon: (smiles coldly, stands up and walks towards Littlfinger) I don't like you, Lord Baelish. I don't like your face, I don't like the words that come oozing out of your mouth- I don't want you in my tent one minute more than necessary. So, tell me- why are you here? (Littlefinger glances at Brienne, who glares back at him) You can trust Brienne- her loyalty comes without charge. (walks back to his desk, pulls an apple from a fruit-bowl)

Petyr Baelish:...You still have many friends at court, Your Grace...Many who believe Ned Stark erred by not supporting your claim.

Renly Baratheon: (frowns, then turns back to Littlefinger with a smug smile)...Now I understand. You know I have the numbers; you know I'm marching on King's Landing. When I take the Throne, you hope to retain your position...and your head.

Petyr Baelish: (smiles) I would give priority to my head. I understand that you don't like me- and while that saddens me greatly, I did not come here today seeking your affection. (pause) When you march on King's Landing, you may find yourself facing a protracted siege- or, open gates. (Renly stares at him)

Petyr Baelish: Your Grace!

Margaery Tyrell: (walks past him without looking at him) Lord Baelish. (Littlefinger falls into step beside her)

Petyr Baelish: All these tents look the same to me. Would you be so kind-

Margaery Tyrell: (smiles) It would be my pleasure. It took me weeks to learn my way around the camp- twice, I walked in on officers in stages of undress. And, the moment I learn which tent is mine, we're on the move again.

Petyr Baelish: (glances at her) "Your" tent? Not "our" tent? The King snores, perhaps, or... simply prefers solitude? Pressures of command, no doubt- four Kings, vying for the Throne.

Margaery Tyrell: I am not tutored in warfare, but... basic arithmetic favors the side with the greater numbers.

Petyr Baelish: If war were arithmetic, the mathematicians would rule the world. (Margaery smiles) I did notice your brother entering His Grace's tent, just now.

Margaery Tyrell: (shrugs) The place of the Kingsguard is by the King's side.

Petyr Baelish: And... on the night of your wedding? Who was by the King's side then?

Margaery Tyrell: (smiles, still not looking at him) You seem quite interested in our marriage.

Petyr Baelish: Your marriage is quite interesting. Not only to me, but... to the Realm. The marriage of a wealthy girl always breeds interest... if nothing else. (Margaery finally meets his eyes)

Margaery Tyrell:...You've never married, have you? (Littlfinger is caught off-guard for a moment)

Petyr Baelish: I've been...unlucky in my affections, sadly.

Margaery Tyrell: (smiles) That is sad- though, perhaps it's for the best. The whole notion of marriage seems to confuse you. So, allow me to explain: my husband is my King, and my King is my husband. (pause) Here is your tent, Lord Baelish. Good night. (she walks on, Baelish bows to her)

Daenerys Targaryen: Where I come from, guests are treated with respect, not insulted at the gates.

Trader of Spices: Then perhaps you should return to where you come from. We wish you well. [walks away]

Daenerys Targaryen: What are you doing? You promised to receive me!

Trader of Spices: We have received you. Here we are, and here you are.

Daenerys Targaryen: If you do not let us in, all of us will die.

Trader of Spices: Which we shall deeply regret, but Qarth did not become the greatest city that ever was or will be by letting Dothraki savages through its gates.

Ser Jorah Mormont: Khaleesi, please be careful.

Daenerys Targaryen: [enraged] Thirteen, when my dragons are grown, we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me! We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground! Turn us away, and we will burn you first.

[Tywin Lannister has just arrived at Harrenhal]

Tywin Lannister: What's this?

Gregor Clegane: We weren't expecting you till tomorrow, Lord Tywin.

Tywin Lannister: [chuckles] Evidently not. Why are these prisoners not in their cells?

Gregor Clegane: Cells are overflowing, my Lord.

Polliver: This lot won't be here long. Don't need no permanent place. After we interrogate 'em we usually just - [gestures towards the heads on spikes]

Tywin Lannister: Are we so well-manned that we can afford to discard able young bodies and skilled laborers? [Polliver doesn't answer and Tywin turns to Gendry] You, do you have a trade?

Gendry: Smith, my Lord.

Polliver: [sees Arya staring] What are you looking at? Kneel! Kneel or I'll carve your lungs out, boy.

Tywin Lannister: You'll do no such thing. This one's a girl...you idiot! Dressed as a boy. Why?

Arya: Safer to travel, my Lord.

Tywin Lannister: Smart. More than I can say for this lot. Get these prisoners to work. Bring the girl. I need a new cupbearer.

Lancel Lannister: I am a Knight!

Tyrion Lannister: An anointed Knight, yes. Tell me, did Cersei have you knighted before or after she took you into her bed? [Lancel is dumbstruck] What? Nothing to say? No more warnings for me, Ser?

Lancel Lannister: You will withdraw these filthy accusations-

Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever given any thought to what King Joffrey will have to say when he finds out you have been bedding his mother?

Lancel Lannister: [goes pale] It's not my fault!

Tyrion Lannister: Did she take you against your will? Can you not defend yourself, Knight?

Lancel Lannister: Your own father, Lord Tywin, when I was named the King's squire, he told me to obey her in everything!

Tyrion Lannister: Did he tell you to fuck her, too?

Lancel Lannister: I only meant, I did as I was bid. I -

Tyrion Lannister: Hated every moment of it, is that what you'll have me believe? A high place in court, a knighthood, my sister's legs spreading open for you at night! Oh yes, it must have been terrible! Wait here, His Grace will want to hear this. [Tyrion heads to the door]

Lancel Lannister: [terrified] Mercy! Mercy, my Lord! I beg you!

Tyrion Lannister: Save it for Joffrey; he loves a good grovel!

Lancel Lannister: My Lord, it was your sister's bidding, the Queen! I'll leave the city at once, I swear.

Tyrion Lannister: No, I think not.

Lancel Lannister: My Lord?

Tyrion Lannister: You heard me. My father told you to obey my sister. Obey her. Stay close to her side. Keep her trust. Pleasure her whenever she requires. No one ever need know as long as you keep faith with me. I want to know what Cersei is doing, where she goes, who she sees, what they talk of, everything and you will tell me.

Lancel Lannister: Yes, my lord, I will. I swear it as you command.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh rise, rise. Let us drink to our understanding. Oh, you don't have a cup. Oh, well. Smile, cousin. My sister is a beautiful woman. And it's all for the good of the realm. Go back and tell her that I beg her forgiveness, that I want no more conflict between us and that henceforth I shall do nothing without her consent.

Lancel Lannister: But, her demands...

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, I'll give her Pycelle.

Lancel Lannister: [surprised] You will?

Tyrion Lannister: Yes, I'll release him in the morning. Cersei can keep him as a pet if she wants, but I will not have him on the council. I could swear that I had not harmed a single hair on his head, but that would not, strictly speaking, be true.

Davos Seaworth: (arrives at the forecastle of Stannis' flagship) Your Grace?

Stannis Baratheon: (looks at the pouch around Davos' neck) Do your knucklebones bring you luck, Ser Davos?

Davos Seaworth: (wryly) Well, life's been good since you hacked 'em off, Your Grace. And, it's four less fingernails to clean.

Stannis Baratheon: "Fewer".

Davos Seaworth: Pardon?

Stannis Baratheon: For fewer fingernails to clean. (pause) I never understood why you had to wear them.

Davos Seaworth: Reminds me where I come from, and where I am now. It reminds me of your justice. (humorously) It was an honest punishment, and you were good with the cleaver!

Stannis Baratheon: You were a hero, and a smuggler. (pause, smiles slightly) A good act does not wash out the bad... nor a bad the good.

Davos Seaworth: A lesson I tried to teach my son.

Stannis Baratheon: Does he listen?

Davos Seaworth: To me? Gods, no. But if your Red Woman told him to leap from the crow's nest-

Stannis Baratheon: (impatiently) She has a name. (pause) I trust you've not forgotten your smuggler's tricks?

Davos Seaworth: (looks at him sharply) I've lived within the law for seventeen y-

Stannis Baratheon: I want you to be a smuggler this time.

Davos Seaworth: Any shore, any night. What am I bringin' ashore?

Stannis Baratheon: The "Red Woman". (Davos looks startled) No one must know what you do- and we'll not speak of this again.

Davos Seaworth: I- I am true to Your Grace, and always will be. But, surely there are other ways- cleaner ways-

Stannis Baratheon: Cleaner ways don't win wars. (pause, Davos nods reluctantly and walks away)

Margaery Tyrell: We need to go home. (Loras doesn't answer, staring at Renly Baratheon I's body with an expression of grief) Loras!

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish: (enters) My Lord, my Lady-

Loras Tyrell: Get out.

Petyr Baelish: Stannis will be here in an hour- when he arrives, Renly's bannermen will flock to him. (Margaery looks from him to Loras) Your former companions will fight for the privilege of selling you to their new King- (Loras stands up suddenly and comes at Baelish with his sword drawn)

Loras Tyrell: (enraged) And you want that privilege for yourself?! (holds the sword an inch from Littlefinger's face, but Baelish doesn't blink an eye)

Petyr Baelish: You will note that I am standing here, talking to you, not Stannis.

Margaery Tyrell: (shoves Loras back, forces his sword-arm down) There's no time for this!

Loras Tyrell: (angrily) Ride back to Highgarden, sister. (shoves past them) I'm not running from Stannis!

Margaery Tyrell: Brienne of Tarth murdered Renly-

Loras Tyrell: I don't believe that- you don't believe that. (Margaery stares at him, Loras looks down at Renly's body again) Who gained the most from our King's death?!

Petyr Baelish: Stannis-

Loras Tyrell: I will put a SWORD through his righteous face! (storms around the room)

Margaery Tyrell: (urgently) We can't stay here! (Loras, not listening to her, kneels next to Renly's right side)

Loras Tyrell:...He would have been a true King. A good King.

Petyr Baelish: ...Tell me, Ser Loras. What do you desire, most in this world?

Loras Tyrell: (quietly)...Revenge.

Petyr Baelish: I have always found that to be the purest of motivations- but, you won't have a chance to put your sword through Stannis... not today. You'll be cut to pieces before he even sets foot on solid ground- if it is justice that you want, be smart about it.

Margaery Tyrell: (nods in agreement, still staring urgently at her brother) You can't avenge him from the grave. Bring the horses. (she goes over to Loras and strokes his hair) Please... (Loras gets up slowly, picks up his weapons and leaves the tent; Baelish watches Margaery as she stares calmly at Renly's corpse, then slowly approaches her) He was very handsome.

Petyr Baelish: He was, Your Grace.

Margaery Tyrell: "Your Grace". (pause) Calling yourself King doesn't make you one. If Renly wasn't a King, I wasn't a Queen.

Petyr Baelish:...Do you want to be a Queen?

Margaery Tyrell: No. (pause) I want to be the Queen. (stares at Baelish, who smiles at her)

Stannis Baratheon: What is it?

Davos Seaworth: I'm sorry about your brother, Your Grace. I wanted to let you know people grieve for him.

Stannis Baratheon: Fools love a fool. I grieve for him as well, for the boy he was, not the man he grew to be.

Davos Seaworth: I need to speak to you about what I saw in that cave...

Stannis Baratheon: I made it clear to you there'd be no need to speak of this matter! I've never known you to need to hear a thing twice.

Davos Seaworth: And I've never known you hide from the truth.

Stannis Baratheon: You come to lecture me on truth?!

Davos Seaworth: I've come to tell you what I saw-!

Stannis Baratheon: All my brother's bannermen have come to my side, except the Tyrells, who fled like cowards. They won't be able to resist us now. Soon, I'll be sitting on the Iron Throne.

Davos Seaworth: Nothing is worth what this will cost you, not even the Iron-!

Stannis Baratheon: I'll hear no more about it. [pause]

Davos Seaworth: When do we sail for King's Landing?

Stannis Baratheon: As soon as I've consolidated my troops. We'll make short work of the Lannisters' fleet; once Blackwater Bay is cleared, we'll deliver our troops to their doorstep and take the city.

Davos Seaworth: And will you bring Lady Melisandre with you?

Stannis Baratheon: That's not your concern.

Davos Seaworth: If you take King's Landing with her by your side, the victory will be hers.

Stannis Baratheon: I never thought I'd have reason to doubt your loyalty. Was I wrong?

Davos Seaworth: Loyal service means telling hard truths.

Stannis Baratheon: [snorts] Oh, truth again. Alright, what's the truth? The hard truth.

Davos Seaworth: She's a foreigner, preaching a foreign religion. Some believe she whispers orders in your ear and you obey.

Stannis Baratheon: What do you believe?

Davos Seaworth: You won those bannermen from Renly. Don't lose them to her. [pause]

Stannis Baratheon: We'll set out for King's Landing without Lady Melisandre [Davos nods]. And you'll lead the fleet into Blackwater Bay.

Davos Seaworth: Your Grace, I'm honoured but my time on the sea was spent evading ships, not attacking them. The other lords won't be happy.

Stannis Baratheon: Most of those lords should consider themselves lucky I don't hang them for treason. Hard truths cut both ways, Ser Davos.

Qhorin Halfhand: There.

Jeor Mormont: Where?

Qhorin Halfhand: There- on that mountain.

Samwell Tarly: I don't see very well.

Jon Snow: It's a fire.

Qhorin Halfhand: (glances at him and nods) There's a fire- and the people sitting 'round it have better eyes than yours or mine. When they see us coming, that fire becomes a signal- gives Mance Rayder plenty of time to throw a party in our honor.

Jeor Mormont: How many Wildlings have joined him?

Qhorin Halfhand: From what we can tell- all of them. Mance has gathered them all like deer against the wolves. They're almost ready to make their move.

Jon Snow: Where?

Qhorin Halfhand: Somewhere safe- somewhere south. We can't just march into their midst- and we can't wait for them either, we've nothing but a pile of stones to protect us.

Jeor Mormont: You saying we should fall back to the Wall?

Qhorin Halfhand: Mance was one of us, once- now, he's one of them. He's gonna teach them our way of doing things. They'll hit us in force- and they won't run away when we hit back. They're going to be more organized than before- more disciplined. More like us. (turns to Mormont) So we need to be more like them- do things their way. Sneak in, kill Mance, and scatter them to the winds before they can march on the Wall. And, to do that-

Jeor Mormont: We need to get rid of those lookouts.

Qhorin Halfhand: It's not a job for four hundred men. I need to move fast- and silent. Harker, Stosmeck, Barber! (three veteran Watchmen come forward)

Jon Snow: Lord Commander, I'd like to join Lord Qhorin.

Qhorin Halfhand: (glances at him) I've been called lots of things- but that might be my first "Lord Qhorin" (the veterans laugh)

Jeor Mormont: You're a Steward, Snow, not a Ranger.

Jon Snow: I've fought and killed a Wight- how many Rangers can say that?

Qhorin Halfhand: (looks at Jon with interest) He's the one?

Jeor Mormont: (looks at Jon and nods) Aye- killed a Wight. You also let an old man beat you bloody and take your sword. (the veterans laugh again)

Qhorin Halfhand: Craster? Well, in the boy's defense, that's a tough old goat.

Samwell Tarly: (steps forward) I could take up Jon's duties while he's gone, M'Lord. It'd be no trouble. (Mormont glances to Qhorin, who shrugs and nods)

Jeor Mormont: (glances at Jon)...I hope you make a better Ranger than you do a Steward. Go on.

Reginald Lannister: The Starks have over-extended their lines. Now that summer's over, they'll have a hard time keeping their men and horses fed.

Tywin Lannister: (impatiently) The Starks understand winter better than we ever will- the cold won't beat them.

Armory Lorch: Our spies report growing discontent among the Northern lords; they want to return home, and gather the harvest before the crops turn. (Arya brings food to the table)

Tywin Lannister: And I'm sure that if those same spies snuck into our own encampments, they would report growing discontent amongst the Southern lords. This is war- no one's content! We've underestimated the Stark boy for too long. He has a good head for warfare, his men worship him- and as long as he keeps winning battles, they'll keep believing he is King in the North! (stares angrily at his generals) You've been waiting for him to fail; he is not going to fail. Not without our help. (Arya listens from across the room) So how do we stop him?

Reginald Lannister: We've worked through the night, my Lord. Perhaps we'd profit from some sleep.

Tywin Lannister: (coldly, contemptuously) Yes, I think you would, Reginald. And, because you're my cousin, I might even let you wake from that sleep! (the other lords look away nervously) Go! I'm sure your wife must miss you.

Reginald Lannister: (confused) My wife's in Lannisport.

Tywin Lannister: Well, then you'd better start riding. (pause) Go, before I change my mind and send her your head! (Reginald gets up) If your name wasn't Lannister, you'd be scrubbing out pots in the cook's tent. Go! (Reginald leaves; Arya brings a flagon to the table) Not wine, water- we'll be here for some time. (Arya nods and starts to walk away, Tywin watches her) Girl... where are you from?

Arya Stark: (turns around) Maidenpool, My Lord.

Tywin Lannister: And who are the Lords of Maidenpool? Remind me.

Arya Stark: House Mooton, my Lord.

Tywin Lannister: And what is their sigil? (pause, Arya glances away, unable to remember) A red salmon. I think a Maidenpool girl would remember that. (Arya looks down) You're a Northerner, aren't you? (Arya nods) Good. One more time, where are you from?

Arya Stark: (confidently) Barrowton, my Lord. House Dustin. Two crossed longaxes beneath a black crown.

Tywin Lannister: (nods) And what do they say of Robb Stark in the North?

Arya Stark: (pause, smiles) They call him 'The Young Wolf'.

Tywin Lannister: And...?

Arya Stark: They say he rides into battle on the back of a giant direwolf. They say he can turn into a wolf himself when he wants. (pause) They say he can't be killed.

Tywin Lannister: (smiles) And do you believe them?

Arya Stark: [Frowning] No, my lord. (pause) Anyone can be killed. (she and Tywin both stare at one another)

Tywin Lannister: Fetch that water.

Priest: [preaching to a crowd in the street] Corruption! Yes, we are swollen, bloated, foul! Brother fornicates with sister in the bed of kings, and we're surprised when the fruit of their incest is rotten?! Yes, a rotten king!

Tyrion Lannister: It's hard to argue with his assessment.

Bronn: Not after what he did to your birthday present.

Tyrion Lannister: The king is a lost cause. It's the rest of us I'm worried about now.

Priest: A dancing king, prancing down his bloodstained halls to the tune of a twisted demon monkey! [the crowd laughes]

Tyrion Lannister: [smiling] You have to admire his imagination.

Bronn: He's talking about you.

Tyrion Lannister: [his smile fades] What? "Demon monkey"?

Bronn: People think you're pulling the King's strings. They blame you for the city's ills.

Tyrion Lannister: Blame me? I'm trying to save them.

Bronn: You don't need to convince me.

Tyrion Lannister: [deflated] Demon monkey.

Daenerys Targaryen: My brother used to say the only thing the Dothraki knew how to do was steal things better men had built.

Jorah Mormont: Not the only thing. They're quite good at killing the better men.

Brienne of Tarth: Once you're safely back amongst your own people, will you give me leave to go, My Lady?

Catelyn Stark: You mean to kill Stannis.

Brienne of Tarth: I swore a vow.

Catelyn Stark: But Stannis has a great army around him. His own guards are sworn to keep him safe.

Brienne of Tarth: I'm as good as any of them. I should never have fled.

Catelyn Stark: Renly's death was no fault of yours. You served him bravely.

Brienne of Tarth: I only held him that once as he was dying.

Catelyn Stark: He's gone, Brienne. You serve nothing and no one by following him into the earth. Renly's enemies are Robb's enemies as well.

Brienne of Tarth: I do not know your son, My Lady, but I could serve you if you would have me. You have courage. Not battle courage perhaps, but, I don't know, a woman's kind of courage. And I think that when the time comes, you will not hold me back. Promise me that you will not hold me back from Stannis.

Catelyn Stark: When the time comes, I will not hold you back.

Brienne of Tarth: [offers her sword to Catelyn] Then I am yours, My Lady. I will shield your back and will give my life for yours if it comes to that. I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.

Catelyn Stark: [takes Brienne's hand] I vow that you shall always have a place in my home and at my table, and that I shall ask no service of you that might bring you dishonor. I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.

Joffrey Baratheon: [shouting at his guards while outnumbered by rioting peasants] What are you doing?! I want these people executed!

Sandor Clegane: And they want the same for you!

[After barely escaping an angry mob]

Joffrey Baratheon: Traitors! I'll have all their heads!

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, you blind, bloody fool!

Joffrey Baratheon: You can't insult me!

Tyrion Lannister: We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!

Joffrey Baratheon: Y-you can't-

Tyrion Lannister: I can, I am!

Joffrey Baratheon: They attacked me!

Tyrion Lannister: They threw a cow pie at you, so you decided to kill them all?! They're starving, you fool! All because of the war you started!

Joffrey Baratheon: You're talking to a king!

Tyrion Lannister: [slaps Joffrey] And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist? [to Meryn Trant] Where is the Stark girl?

Joffrey Baratheon: Let them have her!

Tyrion Lannister: If she dies, you'll never get your uncle Jaime back! You owe him quite a bit, you know.

[Theon and Dagmer barge in, waking Bran from his sleep.]

Theon Greyjoy: I've taken your castle!

Bran Stark: Theon!?

Theon Greyjoy: It's Prince Theon now. Get up! You have to get dressed. I've taken Winterfell. I took it. I'm occupying it. I sent men over the walls with grappling claws and ropes.

Bran Stark: Why?

Theon Greyjoy: To take the castle.

Bran Stark: You went with Robb.

Theon Greyjoy: And he sent me back to Pyke. I'm a Greyjoy. I can't fight for Robb and my father both. Where's Hodor?

Bran Stark: I don't know.

Theon Greyjoy: [To Dagmer] Find the halfwit. [To Bran] My men are bringing your people into the courtyard.

Bran Stark: Why?

Theon Greyjoy: So you and I can go down and tell them how you've yielded Winterfell to me.

Bran Stark: I won't!

Theon Greyjoy: Yes you will!

[Bran hoists himself up.]

Bran Stark: I won't! I'll never yield. I'll fight you and throw you out.

[Theon sits on the edge of Bran's bed and clears his throat.]

Theon Greyjoy: The castle is mine but these people are still yours. You'll yield to keep them safe. To keep them alive. That's what a good lord would do. Think carefully about what you want to say.

[Theon stands up and heads back out of Bran's room.]

Bran Stark: Theon. [Theon turns back to Bran.] Did you hate us the whole time?

Spice King: Look what a beauty you are now that the Red Waste has been washed of you. I am sorry about all that unpleasantness. The silver hair of a true Targaryen. Xaro Xhoan Doxas, she is far too lovely for a glorified dock worker like yourself.

Xaro Xhoan Doxas: Very true, and yet they say that your grandfather sold pepper on the back of a wagon, married a lady far lovelier and higher-born than himself.

Spice King: Every lady alive was lovelier and higher-born than my grandfather. [Daenaerys clears her throat] Did my servants not offer you anything to eat? To drink? I shall have them flogged in the square-

Daenerys Targaryen: Thank you my lord, you are a gracious host, but there is no servant alive that can bring me what I want.

Spice King: Ah, she has a talent for drama this one. So my little princess, what is it you want?

Daenerys Targaryen: My birthright; the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.

Spice King:I fear I'm no better than a servant in this regard; I cannot give you what I do not have

Daenerys Targaryen: I'm not asking you for the Kingdoms. I'm asking you for ships. I need to cross the Narrow Sea

Spice King: I need my ships as well. I use them, you see, to bring spices from one port to another-

Daenerys Targaryen: Whatever you grant me now will be repaid three times over when I retake the Iron Throne.

Spice King: Retake? Did you once sit on the Iron Throne?

Daenerys Targaryen: My father sat there before he was murdered.

Spice King: If you did not sit on it yourself, would it not be correcter to say 'take' the Iron Throne?

Daenerys Targaryen: I did not come here to argue grammar.

Spice King: Of course not. You came to take my ships. So let me explain my position little princess. Unlike you, I do not have exulted ancestors. I make my living by trade and I judge every trade on its merits. You ask for ships. You say I will be repaid triple. I do not doubt your honesty or intentions, but before you repay your debts your must seize the Seven Kingdoms. Do you have an army?

Daenerys Targaryen: Not yet.

Spice King: You do not have an army. Do you have powerful allies in Westeros?

Daenerys Targaryen: There are many there who support my claim.

Spice King: When were you there last?

Daenerys Targaryen: I left when I was a baby.

Spice King: So in truth you have no allies.

Daenerys Targaryen: The people will rise to fight for their rightful Queen when I return.

Spice King: Ah. Forgive me little princess, but I cannot make an investment based on wishes and dreams!

[two Ironborn march a bloodied Ser Rodrik Cassel into Winterfell]

Black Lorren: Caught this one coming back from Torrhen's Square. He cut down two of ours before I got his sword. (Ser Rodrik glares at Theon in pure rage)

Theon Greyjoy: Ser Rodrik, it grieves me that we meet as foes.

Rodrik Cassel: (contemptuously) It grieves me you've less honor than a back-alley whore. You were raised here, under this roof! These people are your people!

Theon Greyjoy: They are not my people!

Rodrik Cassel: King Robb thought of you as a brother! (Theon looks guilty, but defiant)

Theon Greyjoy: My brothers are dead! They died fighting Stark men! Men like you!

Rodrik Cassel: (sneers) Aye, they died fighting a war your father started! Lord Stark raised you among his own sons-

Theon Greyjoy: Among them, but not one of them! I was his hostage! Taken from my home!

Rodrik Cassel: If he were alive to see this...

Theon Greyjoy: He's not! He's dead. The Seven Kingdoms are at war, and Winterfell is mine.

Rodrik Cassel: (contemptuously) I should've put a sword in your belly instead of in your hand.

Theon Greyjoy: You've served this House faithfully, old man. But keep talking, and I'll- (Ser Rodrik spits in Theon's face, the Ironborn beat him and force him to his knees.) Take him to the cells! Lock him up-

Dagmer Cleftjaw: My Prince! You cannot let that stand, he must pay!

Theon Greyjoy: I'll lock him in a cell until he rots-

Dagmer Cleftjaw: No. He has to pay the Iron Price. (Theon looks shocked) They'll never respect you, while he lives. (Theon looks down at Ser Rodrik, who continues to glare savagely at him)

Theon Greyjoy: (glances to the frightened Stark boys and Maester Luwin, then back to Ser Rodrik) Ser Rodrik! I sentence you to death!

Brandon Stark: No! You said no harm would come to them if I yielded!

Theon Greyjoy: The old man couldn't keep his mouth shut! (Maester Luwin comes up to him and puts a hand on Theon's shoulder)

Maester Luwin: I urge you not to make a hasty decision.

Theon Greyjoy: He disrespected me in front of my men! That was his decision, not mine!

Maester Luwin: He's worth more to you alive than dead. The Starks will pay. Please, Theon, think on what you do.

[Theon glances from him to Dagmer, who shakes his head.]

Theon Greyjoy: You'll address me as Prince Theon, or you'll be next. (Luwin sadly lets go of Theon's shoulder)

Dagmer Cleftjaw: Come!

[The Ironborn drag Rodrik across the courtyard to the block as the crowd protests.]

Brandon Stark: No!

Rickon Stark: No!

Brandon Stark: Theon! Please! Rodrik! Please stop, please!

Rodrik Cassel: (staring at Theon hatefully) He who passes the sentence should swing the sword!

Brandon Stark: I'm begging you!

Rodrik Cassel: Coward!

[Theon pauses, then nods to the Ironborn, who force Rodrik to kneel; Theon motions Dagmer back and draws his sword]

Brandon Stark: (half sobbing) STOP! Stop right now!

Theon Greyjoy: (holds his sword over Rodrik's neck) You don't give commands anymore, little Lord!

Brandon Stark: Please stop!

Rodrik Cassel: Hush now, child. (smiles gently at Bran) I'm off to see your father.

Brandon Stark: You said no harm would come! You said no harm would come to them, please!

Theon Greyjoy: Any last words, old man?

Rodrik Cassel: (looks up at him for a moment) Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now, you are truly lost.

Brandon Stark: Please don't! I'll do anything! Please!

Rickon Stark: No, please stop it!

[Theon swings his sword but fumbles the task of executing Rodrik with just one blow. It takes him three more swords strikes and a kick to finally behead Rodrik. Bran is still heard wailing as Theon nervously looks in all directions as the rain pours down on him.]

Tywin Lannister: Can you read?

Amory Lorch: My Lord? (Arya brings a jug to the table, Tywin holds out his arm to stop her)

Tywin Lannister:(angrily) Can- you- read? (pause) This letter, detailing our infantry movements, was meant for Lord Daemon of House Marbrand. It was sent to Lord Marlyn of House Dormund.

Amory Lorch: My apologies, my Lord, I must have missed-

Tywin Lannister: Girl, fetch me "The History of the Greater and Lesser Houses". It's the one on the s- (he notices that Arya has already found the book and is bringing it over) My cupbearer can read better than you.(stands up and opens the book in front of Lorch, turning to a page) To whom does House Dormund owe allegiance?

Amory Lorch: (stares at the page)...My Lord, I-

Tywin Lannister: TO THE STARKS OF WINTERFELL! Who have twenty thousand men and my son! (Arya, pouring wine, watches) I judged you might be good for something more than brutalizing peasants- I see I overestimated you. (slams the book shut) If you ever put my son's life at risk again, I'll- (clenches his jaw) Leave us. (Lorch walks out) Put the book away, girl. (Arya comes forward and picks it up) Maybe you should devise our next battle plan, while you're about it. (Arya smiles, carries the book across the room)

Lannister guard: (enters) Lord Petyr Baelish! (Arya's face turns frightened, though she hides it)

Tywin Lannister: Hmm. (to his generals) Give us the room. (they leave, he notices Arya dawldling in the corner) Clear all this! (gestures to the table as Littlefinger enters)

Petyr Baelish: Lord Tywin! (bows)

Tywin Lannister: Baelish. (he and Baelish both seat themselves as Arya hastily clears the table) Wine?

Petyr Baelish: Thank you. (fearfully, Arya comes across to the table with goblets and the wine-jug)

Tywin Lannister: What news from the Capitol?

Petyr Baelish:...I traveled here directly from Renly Baratheon's camp.

Tywin Lannister: Ah. The late King Renly. (snorts) Rather a short reign- murdered by a woman, I hear. (Arya fills Baelish's cup)

Petyr Baelish: So they say. There has been talk of...other forces, at work. Dark forces. (smiles and drinks)

Tywin Lannister: (notices Arya passing by him and hands her his cup to fill) Here. (turns back to Baelish) Heh- men love to blame demons when their grand plans unravel. (takes his full cup from Arya)

Petyr Baelish: It is my belief that a moment of chaos affords opportunities lost soon after.

Tywin Lannister: (impatiently) You say that as if you were the first man alive to think it. Yes, a crisis is an opportunity- what other brilliant insights have you brought me today?

Petyr Baelish: After the Lannisters and the Starks, the Tyrells command the largest host- their lands are the most fertile in the Seven Kingdoms. Feeding, horses, and soldiers...

Tywin Lannister: (rolls his eyes impatiently) Yes, yes, yes...

Petyr Baelish: The Tyrells have not yet declared for any of the surviving Kings. Loras wants revenge; he blames Stannis for Renly's death. And Margaery-

Tywin Lannister: (nods) Wants to be Queen.

Petyr Baelish: (shrugs and smiles) Yes she does. (drinks)

Tywin Lannister:...House Tyrell rebelled against the Iron Throne- against my grandson.

Petyr Baelish: They did. And, perhaps that treason should be punished- one day. After Stannis and Robb Stark are defeated. (Arya listens as she puts away items)

Tywin Lannister:...More wine for Lord Baelish. (As Arya walks quickly around the table to get the wine-jug, Littlefinger seems to notice her for the first time; he watches her for a moment)

Petyr Baelish: If you would allow me to represent your family's interests, I believe that an advantageous agreement-

Tywin Lannister: The Tyrell host has returned to Highgarden.

Petyr Baelish: They have- (Arya accidentally spills wine on his hand and gasps in terror)

Arya Stark: Pardon, my Lord. (she hastily wipes up the spill; Tywin smiles amusedly)

Petyr Baelish: (reassuringly) It's only wine. (he notices her familiar face and looks at her more closely)

Tywin Lannister: You would ride there yourself?

Petyr Baelish: (looks away from Arya)...Tonight, with your leave.

Tywin Lannister: And have an answer by nightfall. That'll be all, girl. (Arya takes the jug and walks away from them; Littlefinger watches her again) What else?

Petyr Baelish: On your son Tyrion's directive, I met with Catelyn Stark.

Tywin Lannister: Why?

Petyr Baelish: He had an interesting proposal for her... concerning her daughters.

Tywin Lannister: (comes up behind Arya as she is clearing the table, notices her glancing at a letter mentioning Robb Stark) Who taught you to read?

Arya Stark: (hastily) My father, my Lord.

Tywin Lannister: H'm. (picks up a letter from the table) I taught my son Jaime to read. The maester came to me one day, and told me he wasn't learning- couldn't make sense of the letters. Reversed them in his head. The Maester said he'd heard tell of this affliction, and that we simply must accept it- hah! (puts the letter back on the table) After that, I sat Jaime down for four hours every day, until he learned. (Arya stares at him) He hated me for it, for a time- for a long time. But he learned. (pause, Arya keeps clearing the table) Where is your father? Is he alive? (Arya pauses, shakes her head sadly) Who was he?

Arya Stark: A... stonemason.

Tywin Lannister: (surprised) A stonemason who could read? Hmm...

Arya Stark: He taught himself.

Tywin Lannister: (nods, impressed) Quite a man. What killed him?

Arya Stark: (pause) Loyalty.

Tywin Lannister: (pause, smiles slightly at her) You're a sharp little thing, aren't you? (starts to turn away)

Arya Stark: Is... (Tywin turns back towards her) Forgive me, my Lord- I shouldn't ask questions. (starts clearing the table again)

Tywin Lannister: No- but you've already begun. (looks at her expectantly)

Arya Stark: ...Did you know your father, my Lord?

Tywin Lannister: (nods) I did. I grew up with him. (walks over to a chair facing the window, sits) I watched him grow old. (pause) He loved us; he was a good man (Arya steals the letter mentioning Robb Stark)...but a weak man. A weak man, who nearly destroyed our house and name. (pause) I'm cold.

Arya Stark: I'll fetch more wood for the fire, my Lord. (Tywin nods, she leaves)

Daenerys Targaryen: I am Daenerys Stormborn, of the blood of Old Valyria and I will take what is mine, with fire and blood!

[Robb Stark learns that Theon Greyjoy has betrayed him and seized Winterfell]

Robb Stark: This cannot be true.

Lord Roose Bolton: We've had ravens from White Harbour, Barrowtown and the Dreadfort, my lord. I'm afraid it is true.

Robb Stark: Why? Why would Theon-?

Roose Bolton: Because the Greyjoys are treasonous whores.

Robb Stark: My brothers?

Roose Bolton: We've heard nothing of them...but Rodrik Cassell is dead.

Catelyn Stark: [angry] I told you, never trust a Greyjoy!

Robb Stark: I must go north at once.

Roose Bolton: There's still a war to win, Your Grace-!

Robb Stark: How can I call myself 'King' if I can't hold my own castle?! How can I ask men to follow me if-?!

Roose Bolton: You are a king! And that means you don't have to do everything yourself.

Catelyn Stark: Let me go and talk to Theon-

Robb Stark: There will be no talk, he will die for this!

Roose Bolton: Theon holds the castle with a skeleton crew. Let me send word to my bastard son at the Dreadfort; he can raise a few hundred men and retake Winterfell before the new moon. We have the Lannisters on the run; if you march all the way back north now, you lose what you gained. My boy would be honoured to bring you Prince Theon's head.

Robb Stark: Tell your son Bran and Rickon's safety is paramount. And Theon...I want him brought to me alive. I want to look him in the eye and ask him 'Why?'...and then I will take his head myself!

Ygritte: You think we're savages because we don't live in stone castles? We can't make steel as good as yours, it's true, but- we're free. If someone tried to tell us we couldn't lie down as man and woman, we'd shove a spear up his arse. We don't go serving some shit King who's only King 'cause his father was.

Jon Snow: No- no, you serve Mance Rayder, the King-Beyond-the-Wall-

Ygritte: (stops walking) We chose Mance Rayder to lead us. He was a Crow, same as you... but he wanted to be free. (Jon looks around them in various directions) You could be free, too. you don't need to live your whole life taking commands from old men. Wake up when you want to wake up! I could show you the streams to fish, the woods to hunt. (Jon stares at her) Build yourself a cabin and find a woman to lie with in the night. (Jon looks away, Ygritte steps closer to him) You're a pretty lad- girls'd claw each other's eyes out to get naked with you.

Jon Snow:...Walk.

Ygritte: (smiles slightly)...I could teach you how to do it.

Jon Snow: (indignantly) I know how to do it.

Ygritte: (scornfully)...You know nothing, Jon Snow.

Ygritte: (mocking Jon about his sexual repression) I heard they get all swollen and bruised if you don't use them. 'Course, maybe that's just what the lads say when they want me feeling sorry for them- as if I'd feel sorry for them. (pause) Are there no girl Crows?

Jon Snow: There are no women of the Night's Watch, no.

Ygritte: So the lads just do it with each other?

Jon Snow: (impatiently) No.

Ygritte: (amazed) Never?

Jon Snow: Never- we swore an oath.

Ygritte: Do you have sheep at the Wall? (gives Jon an incredulous glance, Jon doesn't bother to reply) With your hands, then- no wonder you're all so miserable.

Jon Snow: (grabs her rope and spins her around) Would you please shut up?

Ygritte: (mockingly) "Would you please shut up?" (angrily) You think you're better than me, Crow- I'm a free woman-

Jon Snow: (nods to the ropes binding her) Oh, you're a free woman?

Ygritte: Well, I might be your prisoner, but I'm a free woman!

Jon Snow: If you're my prisoner you're not a free woman- that's what prisoner means!

Ygritte: And you think you're free? You swore some stupid oath, and now you can never touch a girl?

Jon Snow: It was my choice to say the words.

Ygritte: So you don't like girls?

Jon Snow: 'Course I like girls!

Ygritte: But you promised never to touch them?!

Jon Snow: That's the price you pay if you want to be a man of the Night's Watch!

Ygritte: (sarcastically) So, instead of getting naked with a girl, you prefer to invade our lands and-

Jon Snow: Invade your lands?! (steps close to her angrily) Wildlings raid our lands all the time- some of them tried to kill my little brother, a crippled boy!

Ygritte: (equally angry) They're not your lands! We've been here all the time! You lot just came along and put up a big Wall and said it was yours!

Jon Snow: My father was Ned Stark. I have the blood of the First Man- my ancestors lived here, same as yours!

Ygritte:...So why are you fightin' us? (Jon has no answer)

[Jorah comes up to Quaithe as she is tattooing a man]

Quaithe:...Jorah the Andal. This man must sail past Old Valyria. All who travel too close to the Doom must have protection.

Jorah Mormont: I didn't come here for lessons-

Quaithe: No, you came for the dragons.

Jorah Mormont:...You have them? (reaches for his sword) Where are they?

Quaithe: (turns to face him)...Draw your sword. See what your steel is worth. (pause) You want to please the Mother of Dragons. (she turns back to her work) You love her.

Jorah Mormont:...Where are the dragons?

Quaithe: (turns around) Will you betray her again, Jorah the Andal? (Jorah looks shocked that she knows)...Will you betray her again?

Jorah Mormont:...Never. (Quaithe turns back to her work again)

Quaithe: The thief you seek... is with her now.

Ser Jorah Mormont: I shouldn't have left you alone with these people.

Daenerys Targaryen: These people?

Ser Jorah Mormont: They are not to be trusted.

Daenerys Targaryen: Who is to be trusted? Who are my people? The Targaryens? I only knew one: my brother, and he would have let a thousand men rape me if it would have gotten him the crown. The Dothraki? Most of them turned on me the day that Khal Drogo fell from his horse.

Ser Jorah Mormont: Your people are in Westeros.

Daenerys Targaryen: The people in Westeros don't know I'm alive!

Ser Jorah Mormont: They will soon enough.

Daenerys Targaryen: And then what? They'll pray for my return? They'll wave dragon banners and shout my name? That's what my brother believed and he's a fool.

Ser Jorah Mormont: You are not your brother. Trust me, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: There it is: trust me. And it's you I should trust, Ser Jorah? Only you? I don't need trust any longer. I don't want it and I don't have room for it.

Ser Jorah Mormont: You are too young to be so–

Daenerys Targaryen: And you are too familiar!

Ser Jorah Mormont: Forgive me, Khaleesi. No one can survive in this world without help. No one. Let me help you, please. Tell me how.

Daenerys Targaryen: Find my dragons.

Robb Stark: (on Cersei Lannister's response to his terms) And what did she say?

Alton Lannister: She... admired your spirit, Your Grace.

Robb Stark: And what then?

Alton Lannister: (visibly nervous) She...erm...

Robb Stark: If every man were held accountable for the actions of every distant relative, Ser Alton, we'd all hang.

Alton Lannister:...She tore the paper in half, Your Grace.

Robb Stark: You've acted with honor. I thank you for it. Lord Karstark, see that Ser Alton's pen is clean, and give him a hot supper.

Rickard Karstark: Ser Alton's pen is occupied, Your Grace. The prisoners from the Yellow Fork.

Roose Bolton: Too many prisoners.

Robb Stark: Is there room for Ser Alton

Rickard Karstark: (sarcastically) Does he need to lie down?

Robb Stark: Have the men build him a new pen. Put him in with the Kingslayer for now- have your boy watch over them.

Tywin Lannister: (sniffing a poison dart that he thinks was intended for him, as prisoners are interrogated outside the castle keep) Wolfsbane- a rare substance. (to Gregor Clegane) This is no common assassin.

Gregor Clegane: We hanged twenty men last night.

Tywin Lannister: I don't care if you hanged a hundred. A man tried to kill me- I want his name, and I want his head.

Gregor Clegane: We think it was an infiltrator, from the Brotherhood Without Banners. (Arya brings food and drink)

Tywin Lannister: A pretentious name for a band of outlaws. We can't allow rebels behind our lines to harass us with impunity; we look like fools, and they look like heroes. That's how kings fall. I want them dead- every one.

Gregor Clegane: Killing them isn't the problem. (glances at Arya, who is cutting up Tywin's food) It's finding them.

Tywin Lannister: You gone soft, Clegane? I always thought you had a talent for violence. (Arya hides a kitchen knife) Burn the villages, burn the farms- let them know what it means to choose the wrong side. (Clegane leaves, Tywin turns to Arya) Is that mutton?

Arya Stark: Yes, my Lord.

Tywin Lannister: I don't like mutton.

Arya Stark:... I- I'll bring something else-

Tywin Lannister: Leave it. (walks over to the table) You hungry?

Arya Stark: (shakes her head quickly) No.

Tywin Lannister: Of course you are. (gestures to the dish of bread and mutton) Eat.

Arya Stark: I'll... eat in the kitchen, later.

Tywin Lannister: (impatiently) It's bad manners to refuse a Lord's offer. (walks around her, offers her a knife) Sit- eat. (Arya sits, takes the knife, and- after hesitating- starts eating, ravenously) You're small, for your age- I suppose you've been underfed your whole life.

Arya Stark: (with her mouth full) I eat a lot- I just don't grow.

Tywin Lannister: (nods, turns away to the window) H'm. This will be my last war- win, or loose.

Arya Stark:... Have you ever lost before?

Tywin Lannister: (gives her a sharp look over his shoulder) Do you think I'd be in my position if I'd lost a war? (he raises an eyebrow, Arya shakes her head and shrugs; Tywin turns back to the window) This is the one I'll be remembered for- the War of Five Kings, they're calling it. (Arya glances at the back of Tywin's neck; her grip on the knife tightens as she contemplates killing him) My legacy will be determined in the coming months (he turns around, Arya quickly relaxes her grip; the danger moment is passed) Do you know what legacy means? (Arya shakes her head) It's what you pass down to your children- and to your children's children. It's what remains of you, after you're gone. (gestures at the vast chamber around them) Harren the Black thought this castle would be his legacy. The greatest fortress ever built- the tallest towers, the strongest walls. (walks over to the shattered fireplace) The Great Hall had thirty-five hearths. Thirty- five, can you imagine? (pause) Look at it now- a blasted ruin. Do you know what happened?

Arya Stark: (smiles eagerly)...Dragons?

Tywin Lannister: (smiles ruefully at her) Yes... Dragons happened. (sits down across from her and pours himself a drink) Harrenhall was built to withstand an attack from the land. A million men could have marched on these walls, and a million men would have been repelled. But, an attack from the air, with dragonfire- (shakes his head) Harren and all his sons roasted alive within these walls. Aegon Targaryen changed the rules- that's why every child alive knows his name, three hundred years after his death. (takes a drink)

Arya Stark: Aegon... and his sisters.

Tywin Lannister: (sets down his goblet) Hmm?

Arya Stark: It wasn't just Aegon riding his dragon. It was Raenys and Visenya, too.

Tywin Lannister: (looks at her curiously) Correct!...Student of history, are you?

Arya Stark: (not realizing she has nearly exposed her identity) Raenys rode Baraxis, Visenya rode Vaegar.

Tywin Lannister: (shrugs, takes a drink) I'm sure I knew that, when I was a boy.

Arya Stark: Visenya Targaryen was a great warrior. She had a Valyrian steel sword she called "Dark Sister".

Tywin Lannister: (smiles knowingly) Hmm- she's a heroine of yours, I take it? (pause) Aren't most girls more interested in the pretty maids in the songs- Jonquil, with flowers in their hair?

Arya Stark: (contemptuously) Most girls are idiots.

Tywin Lannister: (amused) Hah! You remind me of my daughter. (frowns at her curiously again, leans forward) Where did you learn all this stuff about Visenya and her Valyrian steel sword?

Arya Stark: (realizing the danger, but secretly answering truthfully)... From my father.

Tywin Lannister: (raises an eyebrow skeptically) He was a well-read stone-mason...(shrugs, leans back and takes a drink) Can't say I've ever met a literate stone-mason.

Arya Stark:(sarcastically) ...Have you met many stone-masons, my Lord?

Tywin ( lowers his cup, smiles coldly) ...Careful now, girl. I enjoy you, but be careful. (gestures at her half-empty plate of food) Take that back to the kitchen- eat what you want. (Arya nods, collects her dishes and starts toward the door) And girl- "Milord". (Arya turns and frowns at him, confused) Low-born girls say "Milord", not "my Lord". If you're going to pose as a commoner, you should do it properly.

Arya Stark: (defiantly) My mother served Lady Dustin for many years, my Lord. She taught me how to speak proper- properly.

Tywin Lannister: (smiles admiringly) You're too smart for your own good- has anyone told you that?

Arya Stark: (smiles) Yes.

Tywin Lannister: Go on. (Arya leaves, Tywin smiles to himself)

Cercei: [to Sansa] Permit me to share some womanly wisdom with you on this very special day. The more people you love, the weaker you are. You do things for them that you know you shouldn't do, you'll act the fool to make them happy, to keep them safe. Love no one but your children. On that front, a mother has no choice.

Pyat Pree: [to The Thirteen] The Mother of Dragons will be with her babies. She will give them her love and they will thrive by her side. Forever. [The Thirteen have their throats cut by multiple Prees] A mother should be with her children. Where will you run to, Daenerys Stormborn? Your dragons wait for you in the House of the Undying. Come see them.

Tyrion Lannister: It's just you, me and Joffrey, the "Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm".

Cersei Lannister: I'm sure you'll make a point eventually.

Tyrion Lannister: He needs to start acting like a king! This war you started is coming to our doorstep and if the entire city wants Joffrey dead...

Cersei Lannister: I'm not the one giving the boy whores to abuse!

Tyrion Lannister: I thought the girls might help him.

Cersei Lannister: Did you?!

Tyrion Lannister: I was wrong! If we can't control him–

Cersei Lannister: Do you think I haven't tried?! He doesn't listen to me!

Tyrion Lannister:[nodding] It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.

Cersei Lannister: I always hoped he'd be like Jaime. He looks like him, in a certain light.

Tyrion Lannister: The boy's more Robert than Jaime.

Cersei Lannister: Robert was a drunken fool, but he didn't enjoy cruelty. Sometimes, I wonder–

Tyrion Lannister: What?

Cersei Lannister: If this is the price for what we've done. For our sins.

Tyrion Lannister: Sins? The Targaryens–

Cersei Lannister: Wed brother and sister for hundreds of years, I know. It's what Jaime and I would say to each other in our moments of doubt. It's what I told Ned Stark when he was stupid enough to confront me. Half the Targaryens went mad, didn't they? What's the saying? "Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin."

Tyrion Lannister: [awkwardly] You've beaten the odds. Tommen and Myrcella are good, decent children, both of them.

Jaime Lannister: Come to say goodbye, Lady Stark? I believe it's my last night in this world. [looks at Brienne] Is that a woman?

Catelyn Stark: Do you hear them out there? They want your head.

Jaime Lannister: Well, old Lord Karstark doesn't seem to like me.

Catelyn Stark: You strangled his son with your chains.

Jaime Lannister: Oh, oh. Was he the one on guard duty? He was in my way. Any knight would have done the same.

Catelyn Stark: You are no knight. You have forsaken every vow you ever took.

Jaime Lannister: So many vows. They make you swear and swear. Defend the King, obey the King, obey your father, protect the innocent, defend the weak. But what if your father despises the King? What if the King massacres the innocent? It's too much. No matter what you do, you're forsaking one vow or another. [indicating Brienne] Where did you find this beast?

Catelyn Stark: She is a truer knight than you will ever be, Kingslayer.

Jaime Lannister: Kingslayer. And what a king he was! Here's to Aerys Targaryen, the second of his name, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, and to the sword I shoved in his back!

Catelyn Stark: You are a man without honor.

Jaime Lannister: Do you know I've never been with any woman but Cersei? So in my own way, I have more honor than poor old dead Ned. What was the name of the bastard he fathered?

Catelyn Stark: Brienne.

Jaime Lannister: No, that wasn't it. Snow, a bastard from the North. Now when- when good old Ned came home with some whore's baby, did you pretend to love it? No. You're not very good at pretending. You're an honest woman. You hated that boy, didn't you? How could you not hate him? The walking, talking reminder that the honorable Lord Eddard Stark fucked another woman.

Catelyn Stark: [to Brienne] Your sword.

Theon Greyjoy: You should be proud of your brother's achievement. I took the great castle of Winterfell with 20 men.

Yara Greyjoy: You're a great warrior. I saw the bodies above your gates. Which one gave you the tougher fight, the cripple or the six-year-old?

Theon Greyjoy: I treated the Stark boys with honor and they repaid me with treachery.

Yara Greyjoy: You treated them with honor by butchering them?

Theon Greyjoy: Before I had to kill them, I treated them–

Yara Greyjoy: You seized their home, as is your right. We're Ironborn; we take what we need.

Theon Greyjoy: Exactly.

Yara Greyjoy: Then you made them prisoners in their home and they ran away. Is that treachery? I'd call it bravery.

Theon Greyjoy: They made me a promise–

Yara Greyjoy: Your little boy prisoners made you a promise and you got mad when they broke it? Are you the dumbest cunt alive?

Theon Greyjoy: Don't call me a–

Yara Greyjoy: A cunt. A dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell. You know how valuable those boys were?

Theon Greyjoy: If I hadn't killed them, the Northerners would think me weak.

Yara Greyjoy: You are weak. And you're stupid.

Roose Bolton: My bastard is only a few days from Winterfell. Once he captures the castle-

Robb Stark: Theon has my brothers. If we storm the castle-

Roose Bolton: He wouldn't dare hurt the boys! (pause) They're his only hope of escaping the North with his head.

Robb Stark:...Send word to your son. Any Ironborn who surrender will be allowed to return safely to their homes.

Roose Bolton:...A touch of mercy is a virtue, Your Grace. Too much-

Robb Stark:Any Ironborn- with the exception of Theon Greyjoy. He betrayed our cause- he betrayed me. We will hunt him down, no matter where he runs.

Roose Bolton: I expect his countrymen will turn on him, the minute they hear the offer.

Kevan Lannister: King's Landing will fall an hour after Stannis lands his force- it's not too late for King Joffrey and Cersei and the rest of the court to ride west to safety.

Tywin Lannister: (scornfully)...Surrender the Iron Throne?

Kevan Lannister: Better than seeing their heads mounted on the city gates! Stannis will execute them all-

Tywin Lannister: No. A King who runs will not be King for long. He's a Lannister- he'll stand and fight. (Kevan sighs impatiently) Stannis two days from the capitol, and the wolf at my dorstep-

Kevan Lannister: Our scouts assure us Robb Stark remains north of Ashemark.

Tywin Lannister: Hah! The last time the scouts assured us of Stark's movements, he lured us into a trap! (stands up) Which is why my son is his prisoner. (walks to the fireplace as Arya pours Kevan wine) Too close to Casterly Rock.

Kevan Lannister: He sent a splinter force to capture Winterfell. The Greyjoys have done us a great favor- Stark won't risk marching on Casterly Rock until he's at full force!

Tywin Lannister: He's a boy, and he's never lost a battle! He'll risk anything, at any time- because he doesn't know enough to be afraid. (pause, comes over to the table) We'll ride at nightfall. (Arya looks up sharply) I want a full night's march before he knows we're on the move. Clegane- you'll maintain a garrison here at Harrenhal. Track down this Brotherhood- and destroy them. (moves around the table, looks at Arya) The girl's proven herself a good servant- she'll stay on with you. (to Arya) See that he doesn't get drunk in the evenings- he's poor company when he's sober, but he's better at his work.

Arya Stark: Where were you?!

Jaqen H'ghar: The man has patrol duty!

Arya Stark: Tywin Lannister was right here- and now, he's gone!

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl owes one more name- the Red God demands it. Give the man a name.

Arya Stark: (pause) How long, after I give you the name, does it take you to kill someone?

Jaqen H'ghar: (shrugs) A minute, an hour, a month (sits down) Death is certain... but time is not.

Arya Stark: He's taking his army to attack my brother- I need him dead right now!

Jaqen H'ghar: (shakes his head) This, a man cannot do.

Arya Stark: You promised you'd help me.

Jaqen H'ghar: Help was not promised, lovely girl. Only death. There must be others. Give a name, any name.

Arya Stark: And you'll kill them? Anybody?

Jaqen H'ghar: By the Seven New Gods and the Old Gods beyond counting, I swear it.

Arya Stark: Alright. Jaqen H'ghar.

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl gives a man his own name?

Arya Stark: That's right.

Jaqen H'ghar: Gods are not mocked. This is no joking thing.

Arya Stark: I'm not joking. A man can go kill himself.

Jaqen H'ghar: Un-name me.

Arya Stark: No.

Jaqen H'ghar: Please?

Arya Stark: I'll unname you.

Jaqen H'ghar: Thank you.

Arya Stark: If you help me and my friends escape.

Jaqen H'ghar: This would require more than one life. This is not part of our bargain.

Arya Stark: Fine, Jaqen H'ghar.

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl lacks honor. [Arya shrugs] If I do this thing, a girl must obey.

Arya Stark: A girl will obey.

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl and her friends will walk through the gate at midnight.

Ygritte: How long 'till we get back to your Crows?

Jon Snow: We're close.

Ygritte: What- a day? A half-day? (pause) You don't know, do you? (smirks) D'you even know where they are?

Jon Snow: (firmly) We're close.

Ygritte: ('turns around to look at him, walking backwards) What d'you think they'll say when they hear about you and me?

Jon Snow: Nothing happened between you and me-

Ygritte: ( mockingly, as Jon gets increasingly angry) "I swear it, old Crow, ser, we were only close together for warmth! And then, I felt it, right up against me backside like a clope- I could show you the bruise on me tailbone! And, before I knew what was where, his-his- well, it was all out in the open, all angry as you like, and I didn't want to want it, but- oh! I did! And he spread me legs and- ruined! The shame of it! Now, I can never marry a perfumed Lord- what would me poor, savage father say?"

Jon Snow: Turn back around-

Ygritte: "And I thought that we were done, but he said, 'turn back around'" (Jon stops walking, glaring at her) I'll tell you what, Jon Snow- since it's gonna be your word against mine, and since you can't talk about it without blushing- you may as well just... (grins at him)

Jon Snow: (scornfully) What, right here in the muck?

Ygritte: (laughs) Oh, I'll keep you warm enough. (she moves to undo her cloak, and Jon yanks on her rope to stop her) Are you that afraid of it?

Jon Snow: That's enough.

Ygritte: Oh, it's nice... and wet... and warm- (she starts walking towards him, subtly wrapping the loose rope around her wrists)

Jon Snow: Enough!

Ygritte:It don't have teeth- (she comes very close, Jon half-draws Longclaw and she steps back hastily) All right! All right- Gods, you're dull. (Jon moves his hand off Longclaw, and Ygritte suddenly yanks the rope taut, knocking Jon off his feet and pulling the rope from his hands. As Jon gets to his feet and draws Longclaw, she runs off, dissappearing around an icy outcrop. Jon runs after her and finds the end of her rope- cut. He hears a whistle and sees Ygritte grinning at him from a nearby rock; several Wildlings emerge from cover, surrounding Jon)...Should've took me while you had the chance.

Davos Seaworth: I understand why the older families look down at me.

Stannis Baratheon: Do you? Why?

Davos Seaworth: My father was a crabber.

Stannis Baratheon: And?

Davos Seaworth: Sons of lords don't like to break bread with sons of crabbers; our hands stink.

Stannis Baratheon: And where were those lords when Storm's End starved?!

Davos Seaworth: Many fought bravely for your brother. Many fought for the Mad King.

Stannis Baratheon: You defend these men who insult you behind your back.

Davos Seaworth: Some are happy to do it to my face.

Stannis Baratheon: [angry] We were forgotten. Robert and Ned Stark, they were the heroes, the glorious rebels. Marching from battle to battle, liberating towns from the yoke of the Mad King while I held Storm's End with 500 men.

Davos Seaworth: No one's forgotten, your Grace.

Stannis Baratheon: No? Robert did. He gave Storm's End to Renly after the war. Renly never fought a day in his life!

Davos Seaworth: He was only a boy.

Stannis Baratheon: Then why give him Storm's End? [pause] First, we ate the horses. We weren't riding anywhere, not with the castle surrounded. We couldn't feed them, so fine. The horses, then the cats-I've never liked cats, so fine. I do like dogs - good animals, loyal - but we ate them too. Then the rats... The night before you slipped through, I thought my wife was dying. She couldn't speak anymore, she was so frail. And then you made it through the lines, slipped right through in your little black sail boat with your onions...

Davos Seaworth: And some potatoes. Some salted beef, I believe.

Stannis Baratheon: Every man at Storm's End wanted to kiss you that night.

Davos Seaworth: [smiles] I was relieved they did not.

Stannis Baratheon: Robert told me to hold Storm's End, so I held it. Then he told me he was giving it to Renly, so I gave it up. Insult or no, I gave it up because Robert was my older brother and he was the king and I've always done my duty. But now, I am the rightful king by every law of Westeros. And when I sit the Iron Throne, you will be my Hand.

Davos Seaworth: Your Grace...[he kneels] I pray I serve you well.

Stannis Baratheon: I expect you'll be the first crabber's son to wear the badge.

Cersei Lannister: [quiet and angry] Do you think I'm an idiot?!

Tyrion Lannister: I'd say you possess above average intelligence...

Cersei Lannister: You shipped off my only daughter. Now you want to send my eldest son to the battlefield to die.

Tyrion Lannister: He'll have his Kingsguard protecting him, he has the finest armour gold can buy; he needs to be out there. The men will fight more fiercely seeing their King fighting beside them, instead of hiding behind his mother's skirts.

Cersei Lannister: Do you know why Varys is so dangerous?

Tyrion Lannister: Because he has thousands of spies in his employ? Because he knows everything we do before we do it?

Cersei Lannister: Because he doesn't have a cock.

Tyrion Lannister: Neither do you.

Cersei Lannister: Perhaps I'm dangerous, too. You, on the other hand, are as big a fool as every other man. That little worm between your legs does half your thinking for you.

Tyrion Lannister: It's not that little. [Cersei laughes humourlessly] Why are you laughing?

Cersei Lannister: Because I'm happy!

Tyrion Lannister: [suspicious] And why are you happy?

Cersei Lannister: Because I have your little whore.

Tyrion Lannister: [disconcerted, then sarcastic] I thought you preferred blondes.

Cersei Lannister: Such a droll little fellow. Tell me, have you married this one yet? No? Good, Father will be so pleased!

Tyrion Lannister: Why do you care who I fuck?

Cersei Lannister: Because a Lannister always pays her debts. You stole my daughter, you plot to have Joffrey killed–

Tyrion Lannister: This is madness. Stannis will be here in days, you need me.

Cersei Lannister: For what?! Your skill in battle?! Pretty thing, your whore. Lovely body; the bruises will heal in time...

Tyrion Lannister: Where did you find her?

Cersei Lannister: Varys isn't the only one who hears whispers. Really, a Lannister lion necklace? You need to hide your secret whores more carefully.

Tyrion Lannister:[Realizes she has Ros, not Shae] You've forgotten the most important thing about whores...

Cersei Lannister: Oh? Well, you're the expert, tell me.

Tyrion Lannister: You don't buy them, you only rent them.

Cersei Lannister: You're usually a better liar, baby brother. This one you like. You like her very much... [mocking] Could it be love? Don't worry, she'll be treated gently enough... unless Joffrey is hurt, and then every wound he suffers, she'll suffer too. And if he dies, there isn't a man alive who could advise a more painful death for your little cunt.

Tyrion Lannister: [struggling to hold back his anger] And how do I know you haven't killed her already?

Cersei Lannister: You'd like to see her? I thought you might. [to the guard] Ser Mandon, bring in my brother's whore. [Two Kingsguard knights drag in a beaten Ros]

Tyrion Lannister: [to Ros] I'm sorry they hurt you. You must be brave. I promise, I will free you.

Ros: Don't forget me.

Tyrion Lannister: Never. [the knights drag her out. Tyrion turns to face a grinning Cersei] I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth... and you will know the debt is paid. [Cersei's grin falters]

Cersei: Get out.

Joffrey Baratheon: You're the Master of Whisperers. You're supposed to know everything.

Varys: No man can be in all rooms at all times. I have many little birds in the North, My Lord, but I haven't heard their songs since Theon Greyojoy captured Winterfell.

Joffrey Baratheon: The Stark forces are distracted. Now is the time to strike.

Tyrion Lannister: To strike? My dear nephew, you do see these men preparing the walls for siege? You do understand Stannis Baratheon sails this way?

Joffrey Baratheon: If my uncle Stannis lands on the shores of King's Landing, I'll ride out to greet him.

Tyrion Lannister: A brave choice, Your Grace. I'm sure your men will line up behind you.

Joffrey Baratheon: They say Stannis never smiles. [unsheathes his dagger] I'll give him a red smile, from ear to ear.

(Joffrey walks away, Tyrion and Varys look at each other in amusement)

Tyrion Lannister: Imagine Stannis's terror.

Varys: (deadpan) I am trying. (they observe the fortifications)

Tyrion Lannister: You're an intelligent man. I'd like to think I'm an intelligent man.

Varys: Oh, no-one disputes that, my Lord... not even the multitudes who despise you.

Tyrion Lannister: (deadpan) I wish we could converse as two honest, intelligent men.

Varys: ( glances at him, equally deadpan) I wish we could, too. (pause, Tyrion stares at him)

Tyrion Lannister: What do you want? (Varys looks him in the eye) Tell me.

Varys: If we're going to play, you'll have to start. (Tyrion shrugs, they both walk over to the edge of the battlements)

Tyrion Lannister: My brother was the youngest Kingsguard in history. My sister became Queen at the age of nineteen. When I reached manhood... my father put me in charge of all the drains and cisterns in Casterly Rock.

Varys: A most high-born plumber.

Tyrion Lannister: The water never flowed better, and all the shit found its way to the sea. I never expected to have any real power, so when my father named me acting Hand-

Varys: You're quite good at being Hand, you know. Jon Arryn and Ned Stark were good men- honorable men- but they disdained the Game and those who played. You... enjoy the Game.

Tyrion Lannister: I do. Last thing I expected.

Varys: And you play it well.

Tyrion: I'd like to keep playing it. (they both look out over Blackwater Bay) But if Stannis breaches the gates, the Game is over.

Varys: They say he burns his enemies alive, to honor the Lord of Light.

Tyrion Lannister: The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?

Varys: In the Summer Isles, they worship a fertility goddess with sixteen teats.

Tyrion Lannister: We should sail there immediately. (Varys looks around, then leans close to Tyrion)

Varys: This morning, I heard a song- all the way from Qarth, beyond the Red Waste. (Tyrion glances at him) Daenerys Targaryen lives.

Tyrion Lannister: A girl at the edge of the world is the least of our problems.

Varys: She has three dragons... but, even if what they say is true, it'll be years before they are fully grown... and then there will be nowhere to hide.

Tyrion Lannister: One Game at a time, my friend.

Ser Jorah Mormont: Careful, Khaleesi. Xaro owns this city and the warlocks have a thousand eyes watching for you. I found one. A ship with a good captain. She leaves for Astapor tomorrow.

Daenerys Targaryen: Astapor?

Ser Jorah Mormont: We cannot stay here.

Daenerys Targaryen: They have my dragons! A mother does not flee without her children.

Ser Jorah Mormont: They're not your children. I know they call you the Mother of Dragons, and I know you love them, but you did not grow them in your womb. They did not suckle at your breast. They are dragons, Khaleesi, and if we stay in Qarth we'll die.

Daenerys Targaryen: You should sail to Astapor. I'm sure you'll be safe there. [turns and walks away]

Ser Jorah Mormont: You know I would die for you. I will never abandon you. I'm sworn to protect you. To serve.

Daenerys Targaryen: Then serve me! If my dragons are in the House of the Undying, then take me there.

Ser Jorah Mormont: That's what the warlock wants. He told you so himself! If you enter that place you will never leave again. His magic is strong.

Daenerys Targaryen: And what of my magic? You saw me step into the fire. You watched the witch burn, and what did the flames do to me? Do you remember?

Ser Jorah Mormont: Until my last breath I will remember. After I have forgotten my mother's face.

Daenerys Targaryen: [strokes Jorah's face] They are my children, and they are the only children I will ever have. Take me to them.

Bronn: (seeing Sandor "the Hound" Clegane and his squire enter the kitchens, raises his cup of ale) Welcome, friends- this round's on me! (Clegane pauses, then ignores him and sits down; Bronn whispers to the naked whore sitting on his lap) I don't think he likes me. (he and Clegane both drink their ale, watching each other very deliberately)

Sandor Clegane:...You think you're a hard man?

Bronn: (laughs, slaps the whore's rear end) I know it! (the Lannister men sitting nearby laugh) It's warm in here- we've got beautiful women and good brown ale. Plenty for everyone- and all you want is to put one of us in the cold ground, with no women to keep us company!

Sandor Clegane: (smiles grimly) Oh, there's women in the ground- I put some there myself. So have you. (pause) You like fucking, and drinking, and singing...but killing- killing's the thing you love. You're just like me (stands up) only smaller. (steps towards him)

Bronn: (raises his ale-cup) And quicker, eh? (snickers)

Sandor Clegane: Your Lord Imp's going to miss you. (Bronn gestures for the whore to get up, then sets down his ale-cup and stands up)

Bronn: Aye. I expect he will, someday. (just as he is reaching for the dagger on the back of his belt, the bells begin to sound, signaling the arrival of Stannis' fleet. As the Lannister men buckle on their weapons and move out, Bronn and the Hound continue to stare one another down) One more drink before the war- shall we?

[As they approach King's Landing]

Matthos Seaworth: You're coming home

Davos Seasworth: King's Landing hasn't been home for 20 years. I spent most of my life dodging the Royal Fleet. And now I'm sailing right at them.

Matthos Seasworth: This is the Royal Fleet. And you're not a smuggler anymore, you're the High Captain.

Davos Seasworth: Of course there are several Royal Fleets at the moment.

Matthos Seasworth: Not after tonight. When the sun rises, Stannis will sit on the Iron Throne and you will be his Hand.

Davos Seasworth: Gods be good.

Matthos Seasworth: God. Father, there is only one and he watches over us.

Davos Seasworth: But not over them?

Matthos Seasworth: Over all of us. The people of King's Landing did not choose the false King Joffrey Baratheon. They will be glad to see his head on a spike.

Davos Seasworth: Well, first we have to put it there.

Matthos Seasworth: Our ships outnumber theirs ten to one. Our army outnumber theirs five to one.

Davos Seasworth: Those walls have never been breached. And the men guarding the walls, when they see you, they don't see a liberator. They see a stranger come to set their city on fire.

Matthos Seasworth: I have faith in the Lord of Light. I have faith in our cause. And I have faith in my captain.

Varys: (staring out of the window of the Tower of the Hand, listening to the bells tolling in alarm) I have always hated the bells. They ring for horror- a dead king, a city under siege-

Tyrion Lannister: (being fitted into his armor by Podrick Payne) A wedding?

Varys: Exactly... Podrick, is that it?

Tyrion Lannister: (mockingly) "Is that it?" Nice touch. As if you don't know the name of every boy in town.

Varys: I'm not entirely sure what you're suggesting...

Tyrion Lannister: (grins) I'm entirely sure you're entirely sure what I'm suggesting.

Varys: Do you trust him? (Pod looks at Tyrion nervously, then goes back to his work)

Tyrion Lannister: (glances at Pod) Oddly enough, I do.

Varys: Good. (comes over, spreads a map of the King's Landing underground on the table) The map you asked for.

Tyrion Lannkster: (studies it) There must be twenty miles of tunnels beneath this city.

Varys: Closer to fifty. The Targaryens built this city to withstand a siege... and to provide escape, if necessary. (looks inquiringly at Tyrion)

Tyrion Lannister: (shortly) I'm not escaping. Strange as it sounds, I'm the captain of this ship, and if the ship goes down, I go with it.

Varys: (smiles and nods) That is good to hear- though I'm sure many captains say the same, while their ship is afloat. (Podrick finishes buckling on Tyrion's arm-guards) You look well-suited for battle, my Lord.

Tyrion Lannister: Well, I'm not.

Varys: (grimly)...For all our sakes, I hope you are wrong. (Tyrion looks at him) My little birds tell me that Stannis Baratheon has taken up with a Red Priestess from Asshai.

Tyrion Lannister: What of it?

Varys: You don't believe in the old powers, my Lord?

Tyrion Lannister: Blood spells, curses, shape-shifting? What do you think?

Varys: (pause) I think you believe in what you see... and in what those you trust have seen. (smiles) You probably don't entirely trust me-

Tyrion Lannister: Well, don't take it personally- I don't entirely trust myself.

Varys: (softly)... And yet, I have seen things, and heard things. Things you have not, things... I wish I had not. (Tyrion stares at him for a moment; for the first time ever, Varys seems frightened)... I don't believe I've ever told you how I was cut. (Podrick gives him a frightened look)

Tyrion Lannister: No, I don't believe you have.

Varys: (pause) One day, I will. (pause) The dark arts have provided Lord Stannis with his armies, and paved his path to our door. For a man, in service to such powers, to sit on the Iron Throne- I can think of nothing worse. And, tonight... I believe you are the only man who can stop him. (Tyrion frowns thoughtfully, then grasps the battleaxe offered to him by Pod)

Matthos Seaworth: (listening to the bells of King's Landing tolling the alarm) They're welcoming their new King!

Davos Seaworth: (darkly) I've never known bells to mean surrender. (walks to the forecastle of his ship) They want to play music with us, let's play. The drums.

Matthos Seaworth: (to the sailors) DRUMS! (Stannis' fleet begin to play a menacing drumbeat)

Bronn: (to Tyrion, before the battle) Don't get killed.

Tyrion Lannister: Nor you, my friend.

Bronn: Oh, are we friends now?

Tyrion Lannister: Of course we are. Just because I pay you for your services doesn't diminish our friendship.

Bronn: Enhances it, really.

[The Baratheon fleet approaches King's Landing unopposed]

Davos Seaworth: (alarmed) Where are their ships?

Matthos Seaworth: It is wise to attack at night; We took them by surprise.

Davos Seaworth: Lord Varys knows what you had for breakfast three days ago. There are no surprises here.

Matthos Seaworth: Is it true that there's dissension in their ranks? Maybe their sailors have mutinied.

Davos Seaworth: Maybe...

Lancel Lannister: Where's our fleet?!

Tyrion Lannister: On their way.

Joffrey Baratheon: Why isn't it here now?! They're coming! [Tyrion ignores him] Hound, tell the Hand that his King has asked him a question.

Sandor Clegane: (sighs) The King has asked you a question.

Tyrion Lannister: Ser Lancel, tell the Hound to tell the King that the Hand is extremely busy.

Lancel Lannister: [to Sandor] The Hand would like me to tell you, to tell the King–

Joffrey Baratheon: If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought.

Tyrion Lannister: That would make me the "Quarter Man"; just doesn't have the same ring to it. Cut me in half and I won't be able to give the signal. No signal, no plan. No plan and Stannis Baratheon sacks this city, takes the Iron Throne, puts your pinched little head atop a gate somewhere. It might be quite amusing, except my head would be up there too! I've never much liked my head, but I don't want to see it removed just yet.

Stannos Baratheon: (after Tyrion has obliterated a large portion of his fleet with a massive wildfire explosion) Prepare to land! (moves to the forecastle of his ship)

1st Baratheon soldier: (stunned) Your Grace? The wildfire-

Stannis Baratheon: The dwarf has played his little trick- he can only play it once. (pulls off his cloak, stands at the rail, ready to land and attack)

2nd Baratheon soldier: We're too far from the gates. The fire- their archers- hundreds will die!

Stannis Baratheon: (grimly) Thousands. (to his men) COME WITH ME AND TAKE THIS CITY! (his men cheer)

Tyrion Lannister:...He's a serious man, Stannis Baratheon.

Joffrey Baratheon: (frantic) They're coming- they're coming ashore!

Tyrion Lannister: (to the archers' commander) Rain fire on them!

Archery commander: ARCHERS! STAND READY

Joffrey Baratheon: They're too many!

Tyrion Lannister: Hound- form a welcoming party for any Baratheon troop that manages to touch solid ground! (Sandor marches off) Pod! Run to the Kingsgate- bring any men guarding it here, now!

Podrick Payne: Yes, m'Lord. (runs off)

Sandor Clegane: (to the Lannister troops) Let's go- Stannis is sending us fresh meat!(slaps Lancel on the breastplate) You too. (grabs the archery commander by his cloak) If any of those flaming fucking arrows come near me, I'll strangle you with your own guts. (the raiding party bursts out of the gates) If any man dies with a clean sword, I'LL RAPE HIS FUCKING CORPSE! (he launches into attack)

Sandor Clegane: (having withdrawn from the battle due to his extreme fear of fire) Someone bring me a drink! (a pageboy hands him a waterskin; he drinks, then spits it out) Fuck the water! Bring me wine! (grabs a flask from a soldier and guzzles from it, walking away from the gate)

Tyrion Lannister: (sarcastically) Can I get you some iced milk and a nice bowl of raspberries, too?

Sandor Clegane: Eat shit, Dwarf.

Tyrion Lannister: You're on the wrong side of the wall!

Sandor Clegane: I lost half of my men. (fearfully) The Blackwater's on fire.

Joffrey Baratheon: (hysterical with rage and fear) Dog, I command you to go back out there and fight!

Tyrion Lannister: You're Kingsguard, Clegane. We must beat them back, or they're going to take this city- your King's city!

Sandor Clegane:...Fuck the Kingsguard... Fuck the city... Fuck the King. (walks away)

Tyrion Lannister: [quietly, to himself] I'll lead the attack. [rallying his troops] I'll lead the attack! Pod, my helmet. Ser Mandon, you will bear the King's banner. Men, form up! Men! Men! They say I'm half a man, but what does that make the lot of you?!

Lannister Soldier: The only way out is through the gates, and they're at the gates!

Tyrion Lannister: There's another way out; I'm going to show you. We'll come out behind them and fuck them in their arses! [the men laugh] Don't fight for your king and don't fight for his kingdoms! Don't fight for honour, don't fight for glory, don't fight for riches, because you won't get any! This is your city Stannis means to sack, that's your gate he's ramming! If he gets in, it'll be your houses he burns, your gold he steals, your women he'll rape. Those are brave men knocking at our door. Let's go kill them! [the men cheer]

Sandor Clegane: The lady's starting to panic.

Sansa Stark: [starts in surprise] What are you doing here?

Sandor Clegane: Not here long. I'm going.

Sansa Stark: Where?

Sandor Clegane: Someplace that isn't burning. North, might be. Could be.

Sansa Stark: What about the King?

Sandor Clegane: He can die just fine on his own. I can take you with me. Take you to Winterfell. I'll keep you safe. Do you want to go home?

Sansa Stark: I'll be safe here. Stannis won't hurt me.

Sandor Clegane: [steps in close, frightening Sansa] Look at me. Stannis is a killer. The Lannisters are killers. Your father was a killer. Your brother is a killer. Your sons will be killers someday. The world is built by killers. So you'd better get used to looking at them.

Sansa Stark: You won't hurt me.

Sandor Clegane: No, little bird, I won't hurt you.

Cersei Lannister: (believing the battle is lost) Shh. Calm, my sweet.

Tommen Baratheon: They're still fighting.

Cersei Lannister: No one's going to hurt you. I'll tell you a story. You know the one about the mother lion and her little cub; they lived in the woods.

Tommen Baratheon: The Kingswood.

Cersei Lannister: Yes, my love. In the Kingswood lived a mother and her cub. She loved him very much, but there were other things that lived in the woods. Evil things.

Tommen Baratheon: Like what?

Cersei Lannister: Like stags.

Tommen Baratheon: Stags aren't evil. They only eat grass.

Cersei Lannister: And wolves. They could hear them crying in the night, and the cub was frightened. His mother said, you are a lion, my son. You mustn't be afraid, for one day all the beasts will bow to you. You will be king. All the stags will bow, all the wolves will bow, the bears in the north and the foxes of the south, all the birds in the sky and the beasts in the sea. They will all come to you, little lion, to rest a crown upon your head. And the cub said, will I be strong and fierce like my father? Yes, said his mother. You will be strong and fierce, just like your father. (takes out a bottle of poison) I will keep you safe, my love. (brings the poison to Tommen's lips) I promise you. (seconds before Tommen drinks the poison, Lannister and Tyrell soldiers burst into the throne room, along with Tywin Lannister and Loras Tyrell) Father! (drops the poison)

Tywin Lannister: The battle is over; We have won!

Joffrey Baratheon: I, Joffrey of the House Baratheon, First of My Name, the rightful king of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, do hereby proclaim my grandfather Tywin Lannnister the savior of the city and the Hand of the King.

Tywin Lannister: Thank you, Your Grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: Lord Petyr Baelish, step forward. For your good service and ingenuity in uniting the Houses of Lannister and Tyrell, I declare you shall be granted the castle of Harrenhal with all its attendant lands and incomes to be held by your sons and grandsons from this day until the end of time.

Petyr Baelish: You honor me beyond words, Your Grace. I shall have to acquire some sons and grandsons.

Joffrey Baratheon: Ser Loras Tyrell. Your House has come to our aid. The whole realm is in your debt, none more so than I. If your family would ask anything of me, ask it and it shall be yours.

Loras Tyrell: Your Grace, my sister Margaery, her husband was taken from us before... She remains innocent. I would ask you to find it in your heart to do us the great honor of joining our Houses.

Joffrey Baratheon: Is this what you want, Lady Margaery?

Margaery Tyrell: With all my heart, Your Grace. I have come to love you from afar. Tales of your courage and wisdom have never been far from my ears. And those tales have taken root deep inside of me.

Joffrey Baratheon: Well, I too have heard tales of your beauty and grace, but the tales, do not do you justice, My Lady. It would be an honor to return your love, but I am promised to another. A King must keep his word.

Cersei Lannister: Your Grace, in the judgment of your Small Council, it would neither be proper nor wise for you to wed the daughter of a man beheaded for treason, a girl whose brother is in open rebellion against the throne as we speak. For the good of the realm, your councilors beg you to set Sansa Stark aside.

Joffrey Baratheon: I would like to heed your wishes and the wishes of my people, but I took a holy vow.

Grand Maester Pycelle: Your Grace, the Gods do indeed hold betrothal solemn, but your father, blessed be his memory, made this pact before the Starks revealed their falseness. I have consulted with the High Septon and he assures me that their crimes against the realm free you from any promise you have made to them in the sight of the Gods.

Joffrey Baratheon: The Gods are good. I am freed to heed my heart. Ser Loras, I will gladly wed your sweet sister. [to Margaery] You will be my Queen and I will love you from this day until my last day.

Tyrion Lannister: (wakes up injured after the Blackwater and finds Pycelle looming over him, menacingly) ...Pod... POD! (Podrick bursts into the room) Find Bronn, or Varys. Tell them I am here with Maester Pycelle. Tell them... I am very much alive.

Pycelle: (gloatingly) Would you like something for the pain (reaches for Tyrion's bandaged face, Tyrion swats his hand away, glaring at him)

Tyrion Lannister:...What happened?

Pycelle: (mockingly) The murderer and traitor, Stannis Baratheon, suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of your father.

Tyrion Lannister: (glances around the small, poorly furnished room)... Where am I?

Pycelle:... These are your new chambers. (smirks vengefully) A little cramped, perhaps, but you don't need much room, do you? (pause) You are no longer Hand of the King. (starts to shuffle off, then turns and tosses Tyrion a single gold coin) For your troubles. (leaves)

Ros: (applying makeup to her bruises) Make yourself comfortable. (Varys- concealed by a hooded cloak- enters and sits on the bed; Ros turns around) That doesn't look very comfortable. Here- watch me- (opens the front of her robe to expose her breasts)

Varys: (pulls his hood back and shakes his head) No need for that, my dear.

Ros: You sure? (smiles seductively) Most men like what they see.

Varys: I am not like most men.

Ros: That's what most men say. (Varys chuckles, Ros closes her robe and comes to sit next to him) If you don't want what most men want, then you'd better tell me what you'd like me to do.

Varys: I would like you to tell me if working for Lord Baelish has been all you hoped it would be. (Ros looks at him thoughtfully)

Ros: Have we met?

Varys: (raises an eyebrow) You wouldn't remember me, if we had?

Ros: (shrugs) I meet a lot of men.

Varys: And I think you remember all of them. I think your true talents are wasted on them.

Ros: (smiles) You're very kind, my Lord. Allow me to return the favor. (she reaches for his crotch. When she feels nothing, she hastily pulls her arm back and stands up, terrified)

Varys: (watching her) You're afraid. (pause) Why? Nothing dangerous down there.

Ros: (swallows)...I know who you are.

Varys: And?...Unlike your current employer, I protect those who work for me. I don't abuse them to satisfy Royal whims, or force them to abuse each other.

Ros: How'd you know about that?

Varys: (smiles) I thought you said you knew who I was.

Ros: What can I do for you, Lord Varys? (Varys pats the bed next to him, and after a pause she sits down)

Varys: (lifts her chin gently with his finger) Littlefinger looks at you, and sees a collection of profitable holes. I see a potential partner.

Ros: I'm afraid of him.

Varys: (nods) Oh, you should be- he's a dangerous man. But everyone has their weaknesses. Your current employer hides his well... but not as well as he thinks.

Daenerys Targaryen: [while experiencing a vision, enters a Dothraki hut to find Khal Drogo and their son]

Khal Drogo: Moon of my life.

Daenerys Targaryen: This is dark magic, like the magic that took you from me. Took you from me before I could even...Maybe I am dead and I just don't know it yet. Maybe I am with you in the Night Lands.

Khal Drogo: Or maybe I refused to enter the Night Lands without you. Maybe I told the Great Stallion to go fuck himself and came back here to wait for you.

Daenerys Targaryen: [smiles tearfully] That sounds like something you would do.

Khal Drogo: Or maybe it is a dream. Your dream. My dream. I do not know. These are questions for wise men with skinny arms. You are the moon of my life. That is all I know and all I need to know. And if this is a dream, I will kill the man who tries to wake me.

Daenerys Targaryen: Until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, until the rivers run dry and the mountains blow in the wind like leaves.

Pyat Pree: They miss their mother. They want to be with you. Do you want to be with them? You will be. When your dragons were born our magic was born again. It is strongest in their presence, and they are strongest in yours. You will be with them through winter, summer and winter again. Just a thousand, thousand seasons you will be with them, and we will be with you until time comes to an end. Welcome home, Daenerys Stormborn.

Daenerys Targaryen: This is not my home. My home is across the sea where my people are waiting for me.

Pyat Pree: They will be waiting a long time.

Stannis Baratheon: You said you saw my victory in the flames.

Melisandre: I did. I still see it.

Stannis Baratheon: The flames lied. And I'm no better than a savage, trusting in a fire god! I fought for your god in Blackwater Bay. I led my men to the gates of the Seventh Hell as their brothers burned alive and for what?! An attack from behind by Tywin Lannister and the Tyrells?! If you see so much in your flames, why didn't you warn me?!

Melisandre: The Lord of Light only allows me glimpses-!

Stannis Baratheon: You claim to speak for a god!

Melisandre: Will you quit the war just because you've lost a battle?

Stannis Baratheon: You talk about war as if you understand it.

Melisandre: I've been fighting far longer than you.

Stannis Baratheon: Have you? Show me how you fight! [Stannis seizes Melisandre by the throat and starts throttling her] Show me! Where is your god now? Will he save you? [Melisandre stops struggling] Where is your god?!

Melisandre: Inside you. [stunned, Stannis releases her]

Stannis Baratheon: [horrified] I murdered my brother!

Melisandre: We murdered him. Share the weight with me.

Stannis Baratheon: He wasn't your brother.

Melisandre: This war has just begun. It will last for years. Thousands will die at your command. You will betray the men serving you, you will betray your family, you will betray everything you once held dear...and it will all be worth it, because you are the Son of Fire, you are the Warrior of Light. You will sweep aside this pretender and that one; you will be king.

[A besieged Theon throws another log on the fire he has going while a horn once again bellows outside.]

Theon Greyjoy: I will kill that man. I don't care how many arrows they feather me with, how many spears they run through me, I will kill that horn-blowing cunt before I fall!

Maester Luwin: They want you to know you're surrounded.

Theon Greyjoy: I know I'm surrounded. I know that because I stood on the battlements and saw I was surrounded.

Maester Luwin: They don't want you to sleep. They want to sap your spirit before...

Theon Greyjoy: Thank you, wise bald man! Thank you for explaining siege tactics to me. [The horn blows again.] No word from my father?

Maester Luwin: No.

Theon Greyjoy: Send more ravens.

Maester Luwin: You killed all the ravens.

Theon Greyjoy: The first time I saw Winterfell...[Theon trails off as he hears the horn blow again.] The first time I saw Winterfell, it looked like something that had been here for thousands of years, and would be here for thousands of years after I was dead. I saw it and I thought, "Of course Ned Stark crushed our rebellion and killed my brothers. We never stood a chance against a man who lives here."

Maester Luwin: Lord Stark went out of his way to make it your home.

Theon Greyjoy: Yes I know my captors were so very kind to me, you love reminding me of that! Everybody in this frozen pile of shit has loved reminding me of that. [His voice begins to break.] You know what it's like to be told how lucky you are to be someone's prisoner? To be told how much you owe them? And then to go back home to your real father... [Theon begins to shed tears as the horn blows again.] I will kill that man! I swear to the Drowned God, the old gods, the new gods, TO EVERY FUCKING GOD IN EVERY FUCKING HEAVEN, I WILL KILL THAT MAN!

Maester Luwin: Theon, listen to me. I serve Winterfell. Now Winterfell is yours. I'm bound by oath to serve you.

Theon Greyjoy: And what's your counsel, trusted friend?

Maester Luwin: Run. Five hundred Northmen wait outside the walls, you have 20 men. You can't win. Wait for nightfall and run.

Theon Greyjoy: There's nowhere to run. I'll never make it back to the Iron Islands. And even if I did, even if by some miracle I slipped through the lines and made it home, I'll be a coward. The Greyjoy who ran. The shame of the family.

Maester Luwin: [In a gentle tone.] Don't go home. Join the Night's Watch. Once a man has taken the black, he is beyond reach of the law. All his past crimes are forgiven.

Theon Greyjoy: I won't make it to the wall. I won't make it ten feet past the Winterfell gates.

Maester Luwin: There are ways. Hidden passageways built so the Lords of Winterfell could escape. The road will be dangerous. But with a little luck... [He steps out in front of Theon.] The Night's Watch is an ancient, honorable order. You'll have opportunities there.

Theon Greyjoy: The opportunity for Jon Snow to cut my throat in my sleep!

Maester Luwin: The opportunity to make amends for what you've done.

Theon Greyjoy: I've done a lot, haven't I? Things I never imagined myself doing.

Maester Luwin: I've known you for many years, Theon Greyjoy. You're not the man you are pretending to be. [Luwin puts his hand on Theon's shoulder.] Not yet.

Theon Greyjoy: You may be right. I've gone too far to pretend to be anything else.

[Theon Greyjoy rallies his men for battle. A horn blows outside Winterfell]

Theon Greyjoy: You hear that? That's the mating call of the Northmen. They want to fuck us! Well, I haven't had a good fuck in weeks, I'm ready for one! [his men laugh] They say every Ironborn man is worth a dozen from the mainland. You think they're right?!

Black Lorren: Aye.

Theon Greyjoy: We die today, brothers. We die bleeding from a hundred wounds, with arrows in our necks and spears in our guts...but our war cries will echo through eternity! They will sing about the Battle of Winterfell until the Iron Islands have slipped beneath the waves! Every man, woman and child will know who we were and how long we stood! Aggar and Gelmar, Wex and Urzen, Stygg and Black Lorren! Ironborn warriors will cry out our names as they leap onto the shores of Seagard and Faircastle.

Ironborn: Aye!

Theon Greyjoy: Mothers will name their sons for us!

Ironborn: Aye!

Theon Greyjoy: Girls will think of us with us with their lovers inside them!

Ironborn: Aye! [the horn blows again]

Theon Greyjoy: And whoever kills that fucking horn blower will stand in bronze above the shores of Pyke!

Ironborn: Aye!

Theon Greyjoy: WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER DIE!

Ironborn: What is dead may never die! [As Theon screams a war cry, Dagmer hits him over the head with a spear, knocking him out]

Black Lorren: Thought he'd never shut up.

Dagmer Cleftjaw: It was a good speech. Didn't want to interrupt.

[An Ironborn puts a hood over Theon's head as Maester Luwin comes out onto the courtyard.]

Maester Luwin: What is this? What are you doing?

[Dagmer stabs Luwin.]

Dagmer Cleftjaw: Let's go home.

[The Ironborn drag Theon off, leaving Luwin behind to gradually succumb to his wound.]

[Osha carefully opens the door to the crypt of Winterfell with Bran, Rickon, and Hodor close behind her.]

Bran Stark: Osha! What are you doing?

[They all enter the courtyard to find it littered with corpses and everything burned. Their ears prick up at the sound of Summer and Shaggydog whining as they stand in an archway leading outside to the unburnt Godswood, where Luwin lies dying from his wound. Rickon runs hastily towards him followed closely by Osha and Hodor, who is carrying Bran. Luwin opens his eyes and smiles happily at the Stark boys. In tears, Rickon lifts Luwin's robe and reveals his wound.]

Bran Stark: Tell us what medicine to get from your chambers.

Rickon Stark: We'll make you better.

Maester Luwin: [Reassuringly] I feel just fine.

Bran Stark: [Angry] They burned it down. They burned everything.

Maester Luwin: Not everything. Not you. But they may come back. You have to go. Put on your warmest clothes, pack as much food as you can carry, and go north.

Osha: North is the wrong way. Their mother and brother are south.

Maester Luwin: We don't know where. There are too many enemies in the south. Go to the wall, to Jon. He'll look after you and let your mother know you're safe.

Bran Stark: [Softly] I don't want to leave you.

[Bran holds his hand out towards Luwin who grasps it.]

Maester Luwin: No more than I want to leave you. I pulled you into the world. Both of you. I've seen both your faces almost every day since, and for that I consider myself very, very lucky. [Bran and Rickon shed tears.] Go now with Hodor. Go on. I'll be right here. [Bran and Rickon leave with Hodor.] Osha, you must protect them. You're the only one who can. [Osha nods] You may have to protect them against your own kind.

Osha: I have no great love for my own kind. [Luwin winces at his wound.] I'll get you milk of the poppy. Tell me where to find it.

Maester Luwin: I don't want milk of the poppy.

[Maester Luwin nods toward the dagger Osha is carrying, and she looks back up at him to confirm his will, and he nods a second time.]

Maester Luwin: Do it quickly.

[Osha pulls out her dagger and Luwin throws his head slightly before the scene cuts away to Shaggydog and Summer padding in front of Osha leading Rickon by the hand and Hodor pushing Bran in a cart. Bran takes one last look at Winterfell, which still has smoke pour out into the sky.]

[Daenerys, having taken Xaro Xhoan Daxos and Doreah captive for betraying her, opens Xaro's vault and inspects it]

Daenerys Targaryen:...Nothing. (turns to face Xaro) Thank you, Xaro Xhoan Daxos. Thank you, for teaching me this lesson. (she gestures to her Dothraki, who drag Xaro and Doreah into the vault)

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: I am King of Qarth. I can help you now, truly- help you- we can take the Iron Throne! I'll bring you a thousand-

Doreah: (sobbing) Please, Khaleesi, I beg you, please!-

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: All is within your reach-

[Daenerys closes the vault, locking them inside forever]

[After Xaro's deceit is revealed]

Jorah Mormont: It's all a lie.

Daenerys Targaryen: Looks real enough to me. (takes a golden bowl and offers it to him) Real enough to buy a ship?

Jorah Mormont: (smiles, takes it from her) ...Aye, a small ship. (to the Dothraki, in their language) Take all the gold and jewels!(the Dothraki cheer)

[Arya meets with Jacquen after he helps her, Hot Pie, and Gendry escape from Harrenhall]

Arya Stark: What are you doing here?

Jaqen H'ghar: Waiting for you.

Arya Stark: How did you know we'd come this way?

Jaqen H'ghar: After all the things you have seen, this is your question? (he starts to walk away, Arya blocks his path)

Arya Stark: How did you kill those guards? Was it hard? (Jaqen looks at her carefully)

Jaqen H'ghar: No harder than taking a new name- if you know the way-

Arya Stark: Show me how. I want to be able to do it, too!

Jaqen H'ghar: If you would learn, then you must come with me.

Arya Stark: Where?

Jaqen H'ghar: (nods eastwards) Far and away, across the Narrow Sea, to Braavos.

Arya Stark: (smiles)...My Dancing Master was from Braavos.

Jaqen H'ghar: (smiles ruefully) To be a Dancing Master is a special thing; but to be a Faceless Man...that is something else entirely. (Arya stares at him, torn) The girl has many names on her lips: Joffrey, Cersei, Tywin Lannister. Illyn Payne, the Hound. Names to offer up to the Red God...She could offer them all, one by one.

Arya Stark:...I want to. (pause, Jaqen stares at her) But I can't. I need to find my brother, and mother...and my sister. I need to find her, too.

Jaqen H'ghar: Then, we must part. (reaches into his belt pouch) The man has duties as well. (pulls an iron coin from his pouch and offers it to her) Here.

Arya Stark:...What is it?

Jaqen H'ghar: A coin of great value.

Arya Stark: (takes it) Could it buy a horse?

Jaqen H'ghar: It is not meant for the buying of horses.

Arya Stark: Then what good is it?

Jaqen H'ghar: If the day comes when you must find me again, just give that coin to any man from Braavos- and say these words to him: Valar Morghulis.

Arya Stark:...Valar Murghulis? (Jaqen nods and starts to walk past her) Please don't go, Jaqen.

Jaqen H'ghar: (turns back to look at her)...Jaqen is dead. Say it again: Valar Morghulis.

Arya Stark: Valar Morghulis.

Jaqen H'ghar: Good. (Jaqen turns away momentarily. When he turns back, he has an entirely different face, but the same voice) Farewell, Arya Stark.

Qhorin Halfhand: (after baiting Jon Snow into killing him)...We are the Watchers on the Wall.

[Sam, Edd and Grenn are shoveling for fire fuel, not far from the Fist of the First Men]

Grenn: I thought we were coming North to fight Wildlings. (gestures at a chunk of dung) Is this goat?

Eddison "Dolorous Edd" Tollett: (inspects it and puts it in his bucket) Moose.

Grenn: People shouldn't live anywhere they need to burn shit to keep warm.

Dolorous Edd: Well, you see a tree, you let me know.

Samwell Tarly: If you step back and think about it, the thing about Gilly that's so interesting it-

Dolorous Edd: (muttering exasperatedly) Bloody kill me! (he and Grenn keep shoveling, trying to ignore Sam)

Samwell Tarly: No, truly! The thing that I find so interesting, is that, after everything Craster's done to her, she's still got hope that life might get better!

Dolorous Edd: (sarcastically) The thing about Gilly that you find so interesting is that she's said six words to you.

Samwell Tarley: (angrily) And the thing about you that I find most interesting- is- is absolutely nothing! (suddenly a horn sounds, Sam smiles) It's Jon and the Halfhand- they're back! (he is interrupted by a second horn blast)

Grenn: (throws down his shovel and draws his sword) Two blasts is Wildlings!

Dolorous Edd: You're not fighting them alone- come on! (as they start to move towards the Fist, there is a third blast, and they freeze, horrified)

Grenn: Three blasts.

Dolorous Edd: RUN! (they flee as the wind and snow begin to blow harder; Sam rapidly falls behind)

Samwell Tarly: Wait! Wait for me! (he trips) Grenn! Edd! (they vanish into the thickening whiteout)

[Sam stands up, then looks around him frantically as the wind whistles louder. He sees figures approaching behind him and runs frantically towards the Fist, hiding behind a rock. Wights- some dead Wildlings, some dead Watchmen- begin to emerge from the whiteout and walk past him towards the Fist. An undead horse, with a White Walker on its' back, stops next to the rock, and the Walker stares down at Sam. Sam begins to sob, but the Walker passes him by, directing the Wights towards the Fist and shrieking triumphantly, followed by more Wights and Walkers]

Murray: [To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.

Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.

Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.

Jemaine: Ok, I see.

Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.

Bret: Rumours.

Murray: No. No, it's all true.

Jemaine: Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.

Bret: Hmm?

Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.

Bret: Yeah?

Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.

Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.

Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who- who turned on the light?"

Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.

Jemaine: Yeah, well - yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.

Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.

Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Jemaine: [Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?

Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do. That's all but you just never thought of it before.

Eddie: You know what you're sign material this guy over thinks things OK You can't over think in this business, you cannot. What if the wind comes, and blows it away, you ever think of that Enrico Fermi?

Bret: Oh we can hold it, it won't be a problem.

Eddie: You have the right attitude, you have what I like to call the wrong attitude.

Jemaine: I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.

Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.

Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Mugger: What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?

Bret: It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.

Mugger: [To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?

Bret: I made it. It's homemade.

Mugger: Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Bret: Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?

Jemaine: You can have it.

Mel: Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?

Jemaine: Yeah.

Mel: You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?

Jemaine: No.

Mel: Did they find anything?

Jemaine: No, they didn't strip search me.

Mel: Oh, I-I thought you said they did.

Jemaine: No.

Mel: Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a-

Jemaine: No. No no no.

Mel: Oh good, good. Cause if—if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth—

Jemaine: I've gotta—I've gotta go.

[in the middle of the Second Annual Flight of the Conchords Fan Club meeting]

Murray: Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...

Mel: Why do... why do you ask?

Murray: No reason.

Mel: Has Bret got a girlfriend?

Murray: Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.

Mel: [snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.

Murray: You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...

Mel: Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?

Murray: You're still interested in the band then? Even though...

Mel: Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.

Murray: Good.

Mel: Yes.

Murray: Alright. You're sure?

Mel: Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?

Murray: You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...

Mel: Just ummm...

Murray: Try your chances with him, can't you?

Mel: Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?

Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.

Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?

Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.

Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.

Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?

Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.

Bret: Really?

Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]

Bret: I'm not gonna kill her, man.

Jemaine: No just leave - just leave her, not...

Bret: Oh, no, I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.

Coco: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.

Bret: Shush baby.

Coco: I-I don't really see us as a long-term...

Bret: Shush.

Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?

Bret: Well, it's gonna be Coco.

Jemaine: Oh, are you sure?

Bret: Yeah.

Jemaine: Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.

Bret: [Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.

Jemaine: [sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.

Bret: Okay, yeah all right.

Jemaine: Okay.

Bret: Cool.

Jemaine: Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]

Bret: I'll see you at band practice.

Jemaine: [sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.

Jemaine: [fake coughing] Yoko!

Bret: What'd you say?

Jemaine: Oh, nothing, just had a bit of a cough.

Bret: Oh. Okay.

Jemaine: No, it wasn't a real cough. I said Yoko.

Bret: Why'd you say that? She's nothing like Yoko.

Jemaine: Ono, she isn't

Murray: Jemaine, you're putting "oh no" together to sound like "Ono."

Jemaine: Ono, I didn't.

Murray: You did it again!

Jemaine: Ono, did I?

Jemaine: It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.

Murray: More like a 'compartment'.

Murray: Jemaine?

Jemaine: ...Present.

Murray: Bret?

Bret: Yep.

Murray: And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.

Jemaine: [as David Bowie] Wear the eye patch, Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.

Jemaine: [as David Bowie] So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.

Bret: That was your idea.

Jemaine Bowie: I didn't mean something like that, I only meant something like... I don't know, wear make-up, or—

Bret: Yeah, I was wearing make-up... I had lightning bolts on my wanger.

Jemaine Bowie: I meant on your face, Bret... On your face.

Bret: Can I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.

Jemaine: In what way?

Bret: What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?

Jemaine: Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.

Bret: That's definitely a bit gay.

Jemaine: What is?

Bret: Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.

Jemaine: I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.

Jemaine: Is that the norm?

Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.

Bret: What do you mean, people like us?

Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...

Jemaine: We're not English.

Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.

Jemaine: What about black people?

Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.

Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?

Dave: Yeah, sometimes.

Jemaine: But you're our best friend.

Dave: I know.

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.

Sinjay: Yeah...

Jemaine: Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.

Sinjay: That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.

Jemaine: No you're thinking of Australians.

Bret: Yea that's Australians.

Sinjay: No, no, no, New Zealanders. You throw another shrimp on the barbie and ride around on your kangaroos all day.

Bret: No, no, no, that's Australians.

Jemaine: You're thinking of Australians. That's not us.

Sinjay: [Aghast] I've totally confused you with Australians? I - I feel terrible. Your accents sound similar.

Jemaine: No, no, our accents are completely different, they're like [high-pitched] "where's the car" and we're like [normal voice] "Where's the car."

Sinjay: You know what? Here, have some of my fruit, please, I feel terrible. [to Bret] You want that Red Delicious still?

Bret: Oh, I would love that Red Delicious, yeah.

Sinjay: [to Jemaine] You still want that banana?

Jemaine: Thank you, I would love that banana.

Sinjay: [handing him a red apple] This Red Delicious is on me.

Murray: [Referring to record producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's done, Bret?

Bret: Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall".

Murray: I'll say he is...he's off the planet. Wants to freeze himself, doesn't he?

Jemaine: Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?

Bret: I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.

Jemaine: What?

Bret: Yeah, Iraq.

Jemaine: Iraq?

Bret: Yeah.

Jemaine: Lisa?

Bret: Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.

Jemaine: But she works in the croissant shop.

Bret: Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.

Bret: The Grand Canyon one?

Jemaine: Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.

Murray: I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.

Bret: Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.

Murray: Go fuck yourself, Bret!

Mel: What was your name again?

Rain: It's Rain.

Mel: Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?

Rain: No.

Mel: Oh... You don't have a computer.

Rain: No, I have a computer.

Mel: Oh, you can't read...

Jemaine: You don't even know anything about threesomes.

Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?

Jemaine: Nearly.

Bret: What do you mean, nearly?

Jemaine: I've had a twosome.

Bret: Wow. What was that like?

Jemaine: Great. I've done it several times, man.

Bret: Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

Murray: You're telling me that this is all a joke...

Jemaine: Well not a joke...

Murray: ...organised by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?

Dave: I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard. And then they were like, "Dave we want to marry you." But I was like "I don't know how they do things where you guys are from, but I dont think monogamy is legal in this country."

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."

Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.

Bret: I can't believe you just said that.

Bret: Todd's not cool.

Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?

Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.

Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

David: My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went "Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?". Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!

David: I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they've got me to contend with, okay? You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, but I'm the head of this family. You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does."

[Gareth is describing his renovated car]'

Gareth: I've got some photos... [opens drawer and recoils in shock] Oh, what is that!?

David: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gareth: [To Tim] Right, that is it!

David: Slow down, you move too fast. Solomon's here. All part of the job. What's going on?

Gareth: [taking out a plate of yellow jelly with a stapler in it] He's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done that. It wasn't even funny the first time.

David: Why's he done that?

Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.

David: Yeah, you show him a weakness, he pounces, you should know about that. Oh, what is in here?

Gareth: It's my stapler.

[Gareth pulls the stapler out of the jelly]

David: Well don't do that! Eat it out! [To the camera] There's people starving in the world, which I hate. So, it's a waste. So... [To Gareth] How do you know it's yours?

Gareth: 'Cause it's got my name on it in tippex.

David: Yeah, don't eat it now. Chemicals.

David: "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.

Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.

David: They should be equal.

Gareth: Women are equal.

David: I've always said that.

Gareth: I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

Ricky: You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

Gareth: Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?

David: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go "Ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced". Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not - it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

Gareth: All farmers have wives.

Tim: This one doesn't, he's gay.

Gareth: Well, then, he shouldn't be allowed near animals, should he?

Dawn: He proposed on a Valentine's Day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said "Lee love Dawn, marriage?" which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.

Rowan: Gareth, what's your ultimate fantasy?

Gareth: Two lesbians. Sisters, probably. I'm just watching.

Rowan: Okay.. umm, Tim?

Tim: I never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

David: I'd like to make a complaint please.

Rowan: Don't care.

David: Well, I am staying in the hotel..

Rowan: Don't care, it's not my shift.

David: Well you're an ambassador for the hotel...

Rowan: I don't care what you think..

David: I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is...

Rowan: I don't care!

David: I think there's been a rape up there! See, I got his attention. Get. Their. Attention.

Tim: There was, oh my God, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eighth's. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bowl-in Alley, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head" - nice... and underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court." It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Gareth: If you're so clever, what am I thinking now?

Tim: You're thinking "how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

Gareth: No.

Tim: You're thinking "if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes?"

Gareth: No. And you can't.

Tim: What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth: I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.

David: Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted. So, every cloud... You're still thinking about the bad news, aren't you?

David: You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go "Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs." I do it so, one day, someone will go "There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

Tim: I think it was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." And that's how I feel. Although he also said "I am the walrus. I am the eggman." So I don't know what to believe.

Andrea: [to Dale] All I wanted after my sister died was to get out of this endless horrific nightmare we live every day. I wasn't hurting anyone else. You took my choice away, Dale. And you expect gratitude? I don't know what to say. I'm not your little girl. I'm not your wife. And I am sure as hell not your problem.

Carol Peletier: [praying] Father, forgive me. I don't deserve your mercy. I prayed for safe passage from Atlanta and you provided. I prayed for Ed to be punished for laying his hands on me and for looking at his own daughter with whatever sickness was growing in his soul. I prayed you'd put a stop to it, give me a chance to raise her right, help her not make my mistakes. She's so fearful. She's so young in her way. She hasn't had a chance. Praying for Ed's death was a sin. Please, don't let this be my punishment. Let her be safe, alive and safe. Please, lord. Punish me however you want, but show mercy on her.

Dale Horvath: Listen, your veins are very discolored. You got a hell of an infection there. You could die from blood poisoning.

T-Dog: [laughs] Oh, man. Wouldn't that be the way? World gone to hell, the dead risen up to eat the living and Theodore Douglas is done here by a cut on his arm. [laughs harder]

Otis: I ain't gonna sit here while this fella takes this on alone.

T-Dog: What are you, 70?

Dale Horvath: 64.

T-Dog: Uh-huh. And I'm the one black guy. Realize how precarious that makes my situation?

Lori Grimes: Maybe this isn't a world for children anymore.

[Daryl finds a walker hanging by a rope and reads off a note on the tree]

Daryl Dixon: "Got bit. Fever hit. World gone to shit. Might as well quit". Dumbass didn't know enough to shoot himself in the head. Turns himself in a swinging piece of bait. And a mess.

Daryl Dixon: Look at him. Hanging up there like a big piñata. The other geeks came and ate all the flesh off his legs.

Andrea: I thought we were changing the subject.

Daryl Dixon: Call that payback for laughing about my itchy ass.

Rick Grimes: Last time I asked God for a favor and stopped to admire a view, my son got shot. I try not to mix it up with the almighty anymore.

Hershel Greene: [to Rick] My father didn't bother with comforting lies. He used his fist. He was a loveless, violent drunk and no good to anybody. He drove me from home when I was 15. Didn't lay eyes on this place again for many years. I was not at his deathbed, Rick. I would not grant him that and to this day do not regret it. Some men do not earn the love of their sons. I don't see you having that problem.

Daryl Dixon: [to Carol] It's a Cherokee Rose. The story is that when American soldiers were moving Indians off their land on the Trail of Tears, the Cherokee mothers were grieving and crying so much 'cause they were losing their little ones along the way from exposure and disease and starvation. A lot of them just disappeared. So the elders, they said a prayer; asked for a sign to uplift the mothers' spirits, give them strength and hope. The next day this rose started to grow where the mothers' tears fell. I'm not fool enough to think there's any flowers blooming for my brother. But I believe this one bloomed for your little girl.

Maggie Greene: [to Glenn] I`ll have sex with you.

Jimmy: I want a gun.

Daryl Dixon: And people in hell want Slurpees.

Merle Dixon Hallucination: [to Daryl] You're a joke is what you are, playing errand boy to a bunch of pansy-asses, niggers and democrats. You're nothing but a freak to them. Redneck trash. That's all you are. They're laughing at you behind your back. You know that, don't you? I got a little news for you, son. One day they gonna scrape you off their heels like you was dogshit. Hey. They ain't your kin, your blood. Hell, you had any damn nuts in that sack of yours, you'd got back there and shoot your pal Rick in the face for me. Now you listen to me. Ain't nobody ever gonna care about you except me, little brother. Nobody ever will. Come on. Get up on your feet, before I'm gonna have to kick your teeth in. Let's go.

Glenn Rhee: Dale, you think Andrea's on her period? I'm only asking 'cause it's like all the women are acting really weird. And I read somewhere that when women spend a lot of time together, their cycles line up and they all get super crazy hormonal at the same time.

Dale Horvath: I'm gonna advise you to keep that theory to yourself.

Daryl Dixon: [to Andrea] Shoot me again? You best pray I'm dead.

Dale Horvath: [referring to Otis] You've been vague about that night about what happened.

Shane Walsh: Otis died a hero.

Dale Horvath: So you've said.

Shane Walsh: A little boy lived because of what went down that night. I think you oughta show some gratitude.

Dale Horvath: I wasn't there.

Shane Walsh: No man, you weren't.

Dale Horvath: But I was the time you raised your gun on Rick. You had him in your sights... and you held him there. I know what kind of man you are.

Shane Walsh: You think I'd shoot Rick? That is my best friend. That's the man that I love, I love him like he's my brother. You think that's the kind of man I am?

Dale Horvath: That's right.

Shane Walsh: [menacingly] Well maybe we oughta just think that through. See, if I'm the kind of man that would gun down his own best friend, what'd you think I do to some guy I don't even like when he starts throwing accusations my way. What'd you think?

Shane Walsh: Hell, when you really look at it in the cold light of day, you're pretty much dead already.

Shane Walsh: These things ain't sick! They're not people! THEY'RE DEAD! All they do, THEY KILL! These things right here! they're the things that killed Amy! They killed Otis! They're gonna kill all of us.

Rick Grimes: Shane, STOP!

Shane Walsh: Hey, Hershel. Man, let me ask you something. could a living, breathing person, could they walk away from this?

[Shoots a walker 3 times]

Rick Grimes: STOP IT!

Shane Walsh: That's 3 rounds in the chest. Someone who's a alive, could they just take that?! Why is it still coming?!

[Shoots a walker twice]

Shane Walsh: That's its heart, its lungs! Why is it still coming?!

[Shoots a walker 3 times]

Rick Grimes: Shane, enough!

Shane Walsh: Yeah, you're right, man. That is enough.

[Walks toward the walker and shoots it in the head]

Shane Walsh: Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's GONE! Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us! Enough! Rick, it ain't like it was before! Now, if y'all wanna live, if y'all wanna survive, you gotta fight for it! I'm talking about fighting, right here! Right now!

Hershel Greene: [to Rick] You people are like a plague! I do the Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroy it all!

Dave: [to Rick] You don't know what we've had to go through out there, the things we've had to do. I bet you've had to do some of those same things yourself. Am I right? 'Cause ain't nobody's hands clean in what's left of this world.

Hershel Greene: You want me to cover Glenn?

Rick Grimes': You missed all that gun training. It could've come in handy now.

Hershel Greene: Nah, I can shoot. Just don't like to.

Maggie Greene: What's going on with you?

Glenn Rhee: Your dad saved my life today. And Rick saved us both. And I - I froze.

Maggie Greene: Well, you were being shot at.

Glenn Rhee: No, that...

Maggie Greene: You don't have anything to prove.

Glenn Rhee: All I've done - and then this. Okay? It's because of what you said.

Maggie Greene: That I love you?

Glenn Rhee: Yeah. A bullet hit the wall behind me and I - I thought of you - losing me, hurting. And I couldn't take it, so I hid to stay alive.

Maggie Greene: [Reaching out to embrace him] Glenn...

Glenn Rhee: [Backs away from her] No, no, no. No, you don't get it. Rick, your dad - they were counting on me and I - I only thought of myself.

Shane Walsh: He knows where the farm is, Rick. Where we are- he knows. Say he finds his way back to his people... (pulls out his glock)

Rick Grimes: Shane, no! [pushes him] Not now. Just not now!

Shane Walsh: Well, when, Rick? When?

Rick Grimes: When I've had a chance to think about it.

Randall: Don't let him kill me. Please don't.

Rick: Shut up! We're going back. It's a man's life. I need a night to think it through.

Shane Walsh: You're gonna bring this piece of garbage... this piece of garbage who - he shot at you, Rick. He ran with men who tried to kill you. You gonna bring him back to where Lori sleeps? To where Carl sleeps?

Rick Grimes: He'll be locked up in the barn, unless you bust it open.

Shane Walsh: Oh, don't start that shit.

Rick Grimes: I'm taking the night.

Shane Walsh: Man, you take that... you think on it, Rick. Keep struggling with it. It ain't hard, man. The right choice is the one that keeps us alive. It's always the same with you. It's like the first moment - it's whenever you're put to the test.

Rick Grimes: Stop acting like you know the way ahead, like you know the rules. There are no rules, man. We're lost.

Shane Walsh: No-no-no, man. I know exactly where I am.

Rick Grimes: You don't know shit anymore.

Shane Walsh: I don't think you can do it, Rick.

Rick Grimes: It's my call, man.

Shane Walsh: I don't think you can keep them safe.

Shane Walsh: Rick, you can't just be the good guy and expect to live. Okay? Not anymore.

Rick Grimes: I'm not the good guy anymore.

Rick Grimes: You want to kill me, you're going to have to do better than that wrench.

Andrea: The pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it.

Dale Horvath: The world that we knew is dead. And this new world is 's 's- it's survival of the fittest. And that's a world I don't wanna live in, and I don't- And I don't believe that any of you do. I can't. Please. Let's just do what's right. Isn't there anybody else who's gonna stand with me?

Carol Peletier: You know, we'll see Sophia again in heaven some day. She's in a better place.

Carl Grimes: No, she's not. Heaven is just another lie, and if you believe it, you're an idiot.

Carol Peletier: Everyone either avoids me or they treat me like I'm crazy. I lost my daughter. I didn't lose my mind!

Daryl Dixon: [to a dying Dale] Sorry, brother.

Rick Grimes: Dale could... could get under your skin. He sure got under mine, because he wasn't afraid to say exactly what he thought, how he felt. That kind of honesty is rare and brave. Whenever I'd make a decision, I'd look at Dale. He'd be looking back at me with that look he had. We've all seen it one time or another. I couldn't always read him, but he could read us. He saw people for who they were. He knew things about us- The truth Who we really are. In the end, he was talking about losing our humanity. He said this group was broken. The best way to honor him is to unbreak it. Set aside our differences and pull together, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and take control of our lives Our safety our future. We're not broken. We're gonna prove him wrong. From now on We're gonna do it his way. That is how we honor Dale.

Rick Grimes: What happened to Dale had nothing to do with you.

Carl Grimes: He died, Dad.

Rick Grimes: Yeah, feels like there's a lot of that going around. That's why I need you.

Shane Walsh: We tried to kill each other, man. What did you think, we gonna forget about it all, we're gonna ride off into the sunset together?

Rick Grimes: You're gonna kill me in cold blood? Screw my wife? Have my children - my children - call you daddy? Is that what you want? That life won't be worth a damn. I know you. You won't be able to live with this.

Shane Walsh: What you know about what I can live with? You got no idea what I can live with, what I live with!

Rick Grimes': [last words spoken to Shane as he stabs him in the chest] You did this to us! This was you, not me! NOT ME!

Hershel Greene: I can't profess to understand God's plan. Christ promised a resurrection of the dead. I just assumed he had something a little different in mind.

Rick Grimes: We're all infected.

Daryl Dixon: What?

Rick Grimes': At the C.D.C., Jenner told me. Whatever it is, we all carry it.

Carol Peletier: And you never said anything?

Rick Grimes': Would it have made a difference?

Glenn Rhee: You knew this whole time?

Rick Grimes': How could I have known for sure? You saw how crazy that mo-

Glenn Rhee: That is not your call. Okay, when I found about the Walkers in the barn, I told, for the good of everyone.

Rick Grimes: Well, I thought it best that people didn't know.

Rick Grimes': [to Lori] I killed him. I killed Shane. He came at me. He killed Randall to get me in the woods. He planned it. I had - I had no choice. I gave him every chance... and he kept leading me further out. He pushed me, and I let him. After awhile, I knew - I knew what he was doing, what he was up to. And I kept going. I didn't stop. I could have, but... I just wanted it over. Dogging me every step of the way. Acting like I stole you and Carl, like... like I was in the way. I just wanted it over. I wanted him dead. I killed him. He turned. That's how I knew Jenner was right. Carl put him down.

Maggie Greene: I'm not sitting here, waiting for another herd to blow through. We need to move, now.

Rick Grimes': No one is going anywhere.

Carol Peletier: Do something.

Rick Grimes: I am doing something! I'm keeping this group together. Alive! I've been doing that all along, no matter what; I didn't ask for this! I killed my best friend for you people, for Christ sake! You saw how he was like. How he pushed me, how he compromised us, how he threatened us. He staged the whole Randall thing, led me out to put a bullet in my back. He gave me no choice! He was my friend, but he came after me. My hands are clean. Maybe you people are better off without me. Go ahead. I say there's a place for us, but maybe... maybe it's just another pipe dream. Maybe... Maybe I'm fooling myself again. Why don't... why don't you go out and find out yourself. Send me a postcard! Go on, there's the door. You can do better. Let's see how far you get. No takers? Fine. But get one thing straight. You're staying, this isn't a democracy anymore.

Dean: There's not much to tell. You know, it's-I... lived on the road. Took crap jobs that nobody else wanted.

Sid: Like...?

Dean: Like... pest control.

Sid: Really? Pest control.

Dean: Yeah. Get to work with a partner. You get to help people. You have no idea what's in some people's walls. Could eat them alive.

Sid: Dean! Is that a gun?

Dean: No! No, yeah. well, I got a permit for it.

Sid: What, to shoot the Glickmans' dog?

Dean: I thought that was a possum. Remember when I said I was in pest control. Well, possums carry rabies, so...

Sid: Wow. I did not know that.

Dean: Oh yeah, yeah, possums... possums kill, Sid.

Lisa: So I just ran into Sid. Did you almost shoot a Yorkie?

Dean: Technically

Azazel: Hiya Dean, look what the apocalypse shook loose. [laughs] You have fun sniffing that trail? 'Cause I sure had fun pattin' you around.

Dean: You can't be...

Azazel: Oh sure I can.

Dean: No.

Azazel: Yeah, kiddo, the big daddy brought your pal Cass back, right? So why not me? Add a little spice to all that... sugar. [Dean shoots him] Really? After all we've been through together? You know, you've got a great little life here; pretty lady, real understanding... hell of a kid. And how do you keep your lawn so green? I mean, come on, Dean! You never been what I'd call "brainy", but did you really think you were gonna get to keep all of this? You had to know that we were comin' for you sometime, pal. You can't outrun your past.

Dean: Sammy?

Sam: Yeah, it's me.

[They hug each other]

Dean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You... you... you were... you were gone man! That... That was it, how the hell you're...

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: What did you mean, you don't know?

Sam: I mean no idea. I'm just back.

Dean: Was it God? Or... or Cas? Did Cas know anything about it?

Sam: You tell me, I been calling, Cas didn't answer my prayers. I don't even know where he is.

Sam: You finally had what you wanted Dean.

Dean: I wanted my brother! Alive!

Sam: You wanted a family. You have for a long time. Maybe the whole time. I know you. You only gave it up because of the way we lived. You had something. You were building something. Had I shown up Dean, you would've just run off.

Gwen: My God, you have delicate features for a hunter.

Bobby: Maybe you want to go upstairs. The TV's broken but there's plenty of Reader's Digests. Just don't touch the decor, okay? Assume it's all loaded.

Dean: Do you have any clue what walking away meant for me?

Bobby: Yeah, a woman and a kid... and not getting your guts ripped out at age 30. That's what it meant.

Dean: That woman and that kid, I went to them because you asked me to.

Bobby: Good.

Dean: Good for who? I showed up on their doorstep half out of my head with grief. God knows why they even let me in. I drank too much, I had nightmares. I looked everywhere. I collected hundreds of books trying to find anything to bust you out.

Sam: You promised you'd leave it alone.

Dean: Of course, I didn't leave it alone! Sue me!

Lisa: You're an idiot. I mean, I know it wasn't greeting-card perfect, but we were in it together.

Dean: I was a wreck half the time.

Lisa: Yeah, well, the guy that basically just saved the world shows up at your door, you expect him to have a couple of issues.

Samuel: Nice house.

Dean: Oh yeah, go ahead, say it, call me a soccer mom, whatever.

Samuel: "Soccer mom," huh. I'll have to look that up on the "Intranet".

Dean: Maybe I shouldn't go.

Lisa: It's okay. You want to go, so go.

Dean: You know what, Sam can handle this.

Lisa: Dean, no offense, but if you don't walk out that door, I'm going to shoot you.

Sam: Seatbelt.

Dean: What am I, in third grade? A car should drive, not be a little bitch.

Sam: Dean, make it stop.

Dean: How?

Sam: Everyone's staring at us like we're child abusers! Feed it!

Dean: We fed it!

Sam: Then what?

Dean: I don't know. You think I speak baby? Maybe he needs a diaper change.

Sam: Oh God, I hope not.

Dean: [after Sam has killed a shape shifter in their motel room] Well, there goes our deposit.

Dean: You want to bring it to a bunch of hunters.

Sam: Not just hunters, Dean. They're our family.

Dean: We don't know them.

Sam: I do. Not every hunter is a head case. I mean, Samuel is actually a lot like you.

Dean: I'm a freaking head case.

Samuel: Congrats. It's a boy... sometimes.

Lisa: The one thing that I do know is that you're not a construction worker. You're a hunter. And now you know your brother's out there, things are different. You don't want to be here, Dean.

Dean: Yes, I do.

Lisa: Okay. Okay, but, but you also want to be there. I get it. You're white-knuckling it living like this. Like what you are is some bad, awful thing. But you're not. But I'm not going to have this discussion every time you leave. And this is... this is just going to keep happening, so... I need you to go.

Sam: Were you racing me?

Dean: No. I was kicking your ass.

Sam: Very mature.

Dean: We should call Cas.

Sam: You kidding, right?... Dean, I tried. It was the first and second and third thing I did as soon I get topside. Son of the bitch won't answer the phone!

Dean: Well, let's give it a shot. Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here.

Sam: You're an idiot.

Dean: Stay positive.

Sam: Oh, I am positive.

Dean: C'mon, Cas. Don't be a dick. We got ourselves a... plague-like situation down here. Do you...Do you copy? [Nothing happens]

Sam: Like I said, the son of the bitch doesn't answer. [Castiel appears behind Sam, Dean sees him] He's right behind me, isn't he?

Castiel: Hello.

Sam: [to Cas] So what you- you like him better or something?

Castiel: Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn't going to mention it.

Castiel: You think I came because you called? I came because of this.

Dean: Oh, well, it's nice to know what matters.

Castiel: It does help one to focus.

Cas: I think we can rule Moses out as a suspect.

Castiel: Sam, Dean, my "people skills" are "rusty." Pardon me, but I have spent the last "year" as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.

Dean: I don't know who's on first, what's on second.

Castiel: What is second?

Dean: Don't start that.

Balthazar: Holy fire. You hairless ape! Release me!

Dean: First you're taking your marker off of Aaron Birch's soul.

Balthazar: Am I?

Dean: Sam!

Sam: Unless you like your wings extra crispy, I'd think about it.

Balthazar: Castiel, I stood for you in Heaven. Are you gonna let these two-

Castiel: I believe the hairless ape has the floor.

Crowley: That swan dive of Sam's was a thing of beauty. Tens all the way around. Standing "o" from the Romanian judge. You should be proud, Bobby. As deaths go, it wasn't too shabby.

Bobby: Dean, I'm a little busy.

Dean: Well then kick Bo Derek out of your bathtub. We got a case, here.

Marcy: I love scary movies. Hey, have you seen Drag Me to Hell?

Bobby: Trying to avoid it.

Agent Adams: Have you seen this man, Rufus Turner AKA Luther Vandros AKA Ruben Studdard.

Bobby: No. Never seen that dick.

Agent Adams: How do you know he's a dick?

Bobby: Lucky guess.

Agent Adams: I just want to take a look around.

Bobby: You got a warrant, sonny?

Agent Adams: Well, do I need one, sir?

Sheriff Mills: Okay, fellas, put the rulers away, zip up.

Bobby: Why'd you send him outside?

Sheriff Mills: Because I didn't think you'd want him in here.

Bobby: I don't. I've got a body in the basement.

Sheriff Mills: My point.

Bobby: Yeah, but I've got another body buried in the yard.

Marcy: Bobby, I am trying to keep my cool here, but what are you doing in my house with a shotgun?

Bobby: Have you seen anything weird?

Marcy: You mean besides you?

Rufus: You're still alive, huh?

Bobby: Don't act so surprised.

Rufus: So you just happened to have a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest laying around.

Bobby: Wood chipper.

Rufus: Oh... okie dokie, wood chipper. That-that pretty much trumps...everything.

Bobby: Sam, Dean, I love you like my own. I do. But sometimes... sometimes you two are the whiniest, most self-absorbed sons of bitches I ever met. I'm selfish? Me? I do everything for you. Everything! You need some lore scrounged up, you need your asses pulled out of the fire, you need someone to bitch to about each other. You call me, and I come through. Every damn time! And what do I get for it? Jack with a side of squat!

Dean: Bobby...

Bobby: Do I sound like I'm done? Now look, I know you got issues. God knows, I know. But I got a news flash for you. You ain't the center of the universe! Now it may have slipped your minds that Crowley owns my soul, and the meter is running. And I will be damned if I'm going to sit around and... and be damned! So how about you two sack up and help me for once?

Crowley: I thought when I got the corner office, it was all going to be rainbows and two-headed puppies. But if I'm being honest, it's been hell.

Bobby: I thought that was the point.

Crowley: You know what the problem with demons is?

Bobby: They're demons?

Crowley: Exactly. Evil, lying prats, the whole lot of them. They're stupid. You try to show them a new way, a better way, and what do you get? Bugger all! You know, there's days that I think Lucifer's whole "spike anything with black eyes" plan wasn't half bad. Hpph. Feels good to get it off my chest. We should make this a thing.

Bobby: Do I look like Dr. Phil to you?

Crowley: A little.

Crowley: I'll do the shorthand for you. (as Bobby) I want my soul back, idjit! (as himself) Afraid not. (as Bobby) But I'm surly and I got a beard. Gimme! (as himself) Blah blah blah. Homespun, cornpone insult. Witty retort from yours truly. The bottom line is, you get bupkis.

Bobby: Now, you may be king of the dirtbags here, but in life, you were nothing but a two-bit tailor who sold his soul in exchange for an extra three inches below the belt.

Crowley: Just trying to hit double digits.

Dean: Did you really used to wear a skirt?

Crowley: A kilt. I had very athletic calves.

Crowley: I believe those are mine.

Dean: You know, now that I think about it, maybe I'll just napalm your ass anyhow.

Sam: Dean. He's a dick, but a deal's a deal.

Crowley: I don't need you to fight my battles for me, moose. Get bent.

Dean: These aren't vampires, man. These... these are douchebags.

Dean: He's watching her sleep, how is that not rapey?

Dean: "He could hear the blood rushing inside her. Almost taste it. He tried desperately to control himself. Romero knew their love was impossible." Romero? Really?

Sam: Dean, shut up.

Dean: This is a national best-seller. How is that possible?

Sam: Where are you going?

Dean: Bathroom, okay? Newsflash, Mr. Wizard: vampires pee!

Dean: Oh, God, I'm Pattinson.

Boris: These are the best days in the last six hundred years to be a vampire. Dracula, Anne Rice, please. These stupid little brats are so horny, they've reinvented us as Prince Charming with a Volvo. They want a promise ring with fangs, so I give it to them.

Dean: You gotta figure out what the hell [Sam] is and fast.

Bobby: I'm trying. But, Dean, there's a worst case scenario.

Dean: What, Satan's my co-pilot? Yeah, I know.

Bobby: Well, that'd be the other worst case.

Dean: Well, then what?

Bobby: Maybe it's just Sam.

Sam: A dentist drilled a guy to death.

Dean: You mean the non-sexy kind of drilling, right?

Woman in Bar: I'm sitting like this so you'll look at my breasts. I just bought them. I need a lot of attention.

Dean: Good luck with that.

Bobby: Tori Spelling. I'm a huge fan. Girl's a real talent.

Dean: I guess it does work over the phone.

Bobby: You know what else? I get a pedicure once and a while at this nice Vietnamese joint.

Dean: Okay, please stop.

Bobby: This one girl, Nhung Phuong, name means "velvet phoenix." Tiny thing, but the grip on her! She starts on my toes and I feel like I am gonna -

Dean: Whoa, whoa, come on, man. Now I'm scarred for life! Thank you.

Dean: And that's -

Sam: Dog's blood.

Dean: Do I even want to know where you got that?

Sam: Probably not.

Dean: I told myself I wanted out. That I wanted a family.

Veritas: But you were lying.

Dean: No, but what I'm good at is slicing throats. I ain't a father, I'm a killer. And there's no changing that, I know that now.

Samuel: This Castiel? You're scrawnier than I pictured.

Castiel: This is a vessel. My true form is approximately the size of your Chrysler Building.

Dean: All right, all right, quit bragging.

Sam: So, Samuel didn't take the bait, so I went with Plan B.

Dean: We had a Plan B?

Sam: I fired up the GPS in one of his cell phones. We should be able to track him right to the Alpha.

Dean: The old man won't notice?

Sam: Trust me. He thinks Velcro is big news.

Alpha Vampire: When your kind first huddled around the fire, I was the thing in the dark. Now you think you can hurt me?

Alpha Vampire: The thing about souls, if you've got one, of course, is they're predictable. You die, you go up or down. Where do my kind go?

Dean: All right, enough with the sermon, freak.

Alpha Vampire: I'm trying to answer the question. Now, when we freaks die, where do we go? Not Heaven, not Hell. So?

Dean: Legoland?

Dean: OK, we split up, clear every room. If you get a shot, you take it. It's not going to kill him, but dude will move a little slower without any kneecaps, and if we make it through this, you, me and Sam are having one hell of a family meeting.

Dean: Since when do you give a crap about vampires?

Crowley: Since, uh... what's today, Friday? Since, let's see... mind your business.

Dean: So, what's so important that you're the king of Hell's cabana boy, huh? What'd he offer you? Girls? Money? Hair?

Crowley: That Bobby Singer? Give him a kiss for me.

Crowley: Werewolves turning on the full moon. So '09.

Crime scene tech: What are the feds doing here?

Sam: Oh, we're specialists. They call us in to answer the questions of mouth-breathing dick monkeys.

Crime scene tech: You do realize these were animal attacks.

Dean: An animal, out here? You think it came for the sailing?

Dean: You didn't sleep. Cause you don't... sleep.

Sam: Right.

Dean: Yeah, that's not creepy at all.

Sam: Bag him now?

Dean: No, we make sure.

Sam: Really?

Dean: Before we hand him over to a lifetime of demon rape? Yeah, really.

Sam: Boy, Cal just doesn't know when to quit.

Dean: Three scuzzy bars, one scuzzy strip joint, a chili dog joint, seven or eight nightcaps, and now Scotches in the library. I'm getting cirrhosis just watching this.

Sam: Roll over, Lucky. Speak.

Lucky: Go to hell.

Sam: Already been. Didn't agree with me.

Marion: Of course it's not UFOs. It's fairies.

Dean: Fairies? Okay. Well, thank you for your input.

Sam: What, flying saucers not insane enough for you?

Marion: What newspaper did you say you work for?

Sam: Okay, if you want to add glitter to that glue you're sniffing, that's fine, but don't dump your whack-a-doo all over us. We'd rather not step in it.

Dean: Okay, we're—we're done.

Sam: The only thing you're missing is a couple dozen cats, sister.

Dean: Yeah, it's a-it's a blood-sugar thing. My apologies.

Dean: Empathy man, empathy. I mean, the old Sam would have given her some-some wussified, dew-eyed crap.

Dean: But until we get you back on the soul train, I'll be your conscience. Okay?

Sam: So you're saying you'll be my Jiminy Cricket.

Dean: Shut up. But yeah, you freakin' puppet. That's exactly what I"m saying.

Dean: [on the phone] UFO! UFO!

Sam: Oh. Dude, stop yelling, you're breaking up. I didn't catch that last part.

Dean: Close encounter! Close encounter!

Sam: Close encounter? What kind? First? Second?

Dean: They're after me!

Sam: Third kind already? Better run, man. I think the fourth kind is a butt thing.

Dean: Empathy, Sam! Empathy!

Sparrow: Your brother was abducted?

Sam: Yeah.

Sparrow: Oh my God!

Sam: It's fine. I mean, I've had time to adjust.

Sparrow: Did it-did it happen when you were kids?

Sam: No, like half an hour ago.

Sam: So, you've been hunting UFOs for over three decades and you basically have no concrete data and zero workable leads.

Wayne: Well, I...

Sam: Have you considered the possibility that you suck at hunting UFOs?

Sparrow: What were they like?

Dean: They were grabby, incandescent douche bags. Good night.

Sparrow: Too soon.

Dean: And then suddenly I was, uh, I was-I was in a different place. And there were these... beings. And they were-they were too bright to look at, but I could-I could feel them pulling me towards this sort of... table.

Sam: Probing table?

Dean: God, don't say that out loud!

Dean: I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.

Sam: You should take a shower.

Dean: I should take a shower. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take a shower now.

Sam: Look. That brings up a question. So, say you got a soul, and you're on a case. And your brother gets abducted by aliens.

Dean: Yeah, then you do everything you can to get him back.

Sam: Right, you do. But, what about when there are no more leads for the night? I mean, are you supposed to just sit there in the dark and suffer? Even when there's nothing that can be done at that moment?

Dean: Yes!

Sam: What?

Dean: Yes. You sit in the dark and you-you feel the loss.

Sam: Absolutely. But couldn't I just do all that and have sex with the hippy chick?

Dean: No!

Sam: It'll be in the dark.

Dean: Nipples?

Sam: What the hell was it?

Dean: It was a... a little, naked lady, okay?

Sam: It was... a what?

Dean: It was-it was a little, glowing... hot, naked lady, with nipples, and... she hit me.

Sam: I'm not supposed to laugh, right? Right, okay, sure.

Marion: Personally, I think they're taken to Avalon to service Oberon, king of the fairy.

Sam: Dean, did you service Oberon, king of the fairies?

Dean: God, is it on me? I feel like I've got the crazy on me.

Sam: No. You did sit in some glitter, though.

Dean: Makes me want to believe in UFOs again.

Dean: Fight the fairies! You fight those fairies! FIGHT THE FAIRIES!

Meg: Hugs and puppies all around!

Sam: Cas, we found something. It-it's this gold box. Apparently Nazis were after it back in the day. Someone tried to open it and their face melted off. I think its the - ready for this - the Arc of the Convenant. Yeah, so-

Cas: I'm here Sam. Where is the box?

Sam: I can't believe you fell for that! That was the plot of Raiders, idiot.

Sam: If you don't help us, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Cas: Will you, boy? How?

Sam: I don't know yet, but I will look until I find out and I don't sleep.

Cas: You need help Sam.

Sam: I need your help.

Cas: This is very complex. If the pizza man truly loves this babysitter, why does he keep slapping her rear? Perhaps she's done something wrong?

Dean: You're watching porn? Why?

Castiel: It was there.

Dean: You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes. And you don't talk about it. Just turn it off! [Castiel looks down at his lap] Well, now he's got a boner.

Samuel: This what you boys do, sit around watching pornos with angels?

Castiel: We're not supposed to talk about it.

Meg: [to Cas] Remember me? I sure remember you, Clarence.

Cas: [to Dean and Sam] Why are we working with these... abominations?

Meg: [to Cas] Keep talking dirty, it makes my meatsuit all dewy.

Dean: Karma's a bitch, bitch.

Cas: [After he kisses Meg] I learned that from the pizza man.

Dean: If you want forgiveness, find a priest.

Samuel: I just want you to understand.

Dean: Oh, I understand. That you're a liar. You talk about putting blood first – which is funny 'cause you sound just like my dad - difference is, he actually did!

Samuel: I am putting blood first.

Dean: Oh, give me a break.

Samuel: Mary is my blood, my daughter! Don't come at me like I sold you out, Dean. You sold out your own mother! It was her or Sam and you chose Sam, plain and simple.

Dean: Oh, that is such crap. You wanna know what really happened? You chose a demon over your own grandsons!

Samuel: See it how you want. I don't even know what Sam is. And you want me to protect him? And you? You're a stranger. No, really, tell me – what exactly are you supposed to be to me?

Dean: I'll tell you who I am. I'm the guy you never wanna see again. 'Cause I'll make it out of here, trust me. And the next time you see me, I'll be there to kill you.

Samuel: Don't think there's gonna be a next time.

Dean: Whatever gets you though the night.

Cas: Leave them alone.

Crowley: Castiel. Haven't seen you all season. You're the cavalry now?

Cas: Put the knife down.

Crowley: You that bossy in heaven?

Dean: I'm trying to save your life!

Sam:Exactly, Dean! It's my life! It's my life, it's my soul. And it sure as hell ain't your head that's gonna explode when this whole scheme of yours goes sideways!

Sam: I need your help, Balthazar.

Balthazar: Interesting. Since last time we met you wanted to... what was it? Oh yes, yes... fry my wings extra crispy.

Sam: Well, that was a misunderstanding.

Balthazar: Some misunderstanding!

Sam: I need some advice.

Balthazar: Advice?

Sam: Angel advice.

Balthazar: Then go ask your boyfriend.

Sam: Cas can't help me.

Dead Guy: (after dying from a heart attack) Why?

Dean: You think maybe it was the extra cheese?

Dead Guy: Yeah... It was good though.

Bobby: [as Sam chops down the door] Don't say "Here's Johnny!"

Bobby: You want to explain what this is about?

Sam: I just, uh, I have to do this, Bobby.

Bobby: Says who?

Sam: When Dean shoves that soul back in me, think how bad that could really be. I can't let it happen, Bobby. I mean it's not like I want to kill you, you've been nothing but good to me.

Bobby: So what, demon deal or somethin'?

Sam: Spell.

Bobby: You're makin' a mistake, Sam.

Sam: I'm trying to survive.

Bobby: Dean's got a way to make it safe.

Sam: Oh, yeah, what some wall inside my head that maybe stays up? Come on.

Bobby: If it works...

Sam: Well, what if it doesn't? Dean doesn't care about me. He - he just cares about his little brother, Sammy, burning in Hell. He'll kill me to get that other guy back.

Bobby: Look, I... I know how scary it is. You know what's scarier? You right now. You're not in your right head Sam. You're not giving us much choice here.

Death: Today, you got a hard look behind the curtain. Wrecking the natural order's not quite such fun when you have to mop up the mess, is it? This is hard for you, Dean. You throw away your life because you've come to assume that it'll bounce right back into your lap. But the human soul is not a rubber ball. It's vulnerable, impermanent, but stronger than you know. And more valuable than you can imagine. So, I think you've learned something today.

Death: [returning Sam's soul to him] Now Sam, I'm going to put up a barrier inside your mind... It might feel a little itchy. Do me a favor... don't scratch the wall. Trust me, you're not going to like what happens.

Sam: Dean.

(Sam has woken after having his soul returned)

Dean: Sam?

(Sam hugs Dean then crosses the room and hugs Bobby)

Bobby: Good to see you.

Sam: Wait. I saw you—I—I felt Lucifer snap your neck.

Bobby: Well, Cas kind of—

Sam: Cas is alive?

Dean: Yeah, Cas—Cas is fine. Sam, are you okay?

Sam: Actually, um...I'm starving.

Dean: So, Sam...

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: What's the last thing you remember?

Sam: The field. And then I fell.

Dean: Okay. And then?

Sam: I woke up in the panic room.

Bobby: That's it? You really don't remember—

Dean: Let's be glad. Who wants to remember all that hell?

Sam: Well, how long was I gone?

Dean: About a year and a half.

Sam: What? I was downstairs f— I don't remember anything. So, how'd I get back? Was it Cas?

Dean: Not exactly.

Dean: (to Bobby) Why the poop face?

Dean: (while reading Penny's diary) I've decided I'm going to give Stan my most precious gift...

Sam: Wow, that sounded really creepy coming out of your mouth.

Dean: I think I delivered it.

Dean: I prefer ladies with experience

Sam: So what kind of thing likes virgins and gold?

Dean: P. Diddy?

Sam: You know, it's comforting.

Dean: What's that?

Sam: I died for a year, came back, and you're still not funny.

Dean: What do you know about dragons?

Bobby: What? Nothing.

Dean: Seriously.

Bobby: Well, they're not like the Loch Ness monster, Dean. Dragons aren't real.

Dean: Could you make a few calls?

Bobby: To who? Hogwarts?!

Dean: (to the rock as he's trying to get the sword out) You rocks think you're so smart.

Sam: Castiel, um...I'm back. So, if you got a minute...

Castiel: Sam. It's so good to see you alive.

Sam: Yeah. You too.

( Castiel walks over to hug Sam, but Sam sits down instead.)

Sam: Um...Look, I-I would hug you, but—

Castiel: —that would be awkward.

Sam: Um...Was a crazy year, huh? I-I-I just talked to Bobby. He—he told me everything that happened.

Castiel: Frankly, I'm surprised that you survived. I was begging Dean not to do it.

Sam: Yeah. No, I-I-I can understand that.

Castiel: You know, it's a miracle it didn't kill you.

Sam: Yeah. Yeah, it's a miracle, all right.

Castiel: So, how does it feel?

Sam: What?

Castiel: Well, to have your soul back, of course.

Sam: Right. Y-you mean 'cause I was walking around with no soul. Uh... Really good, Cas. I'm real good. You know what? I'm—I'm just hazy on a few of the details, though. Um... You think maybe you could...walk me through?

Woman: Where's your partner? The big bald guy? Agent Wynand, right?

Sam: Agent Wynand, of course. Well -

Dean: Sex rehab. Yeah, you've heard of plushies, right?

Dean: One of dad's rules? You never use the same crapper twice.

Sam: Everyone uses the same crapper twice.

Dean: Not us... You know what I mean.

Dean: (leaving a voicemail for Sam) I found the connection between the missing chicks. They all banged the same dude. You.

Dean: My spidey senses are tingling.

Dean: Sam, you-you gotta understand that all that crap last year, all of it, none of it was you.

Sam: Let's be crystal clear, okay? It was me.

Dean: (walks away) Can I get you anything?

Sam: What are you now, my waitress?

Dean: I'm just trying to make you feel better, don't be a bitch.

Sam: Yeah, I'm fine.

Dean: (sarcastic) Yeah, you look fine. (serious) All I'm saying is everything's gonna be okay.

Sam: I don't know Dean, if I did this here, then who knows how many oth— (Sam falls to the floor in a violent seizure)

Dean: Sammy? Sam?! Sammy, talk to me!

(Sam has a flash back to his soul burning and screaming in Hell)

Dean: How do you feel?

Sam: Like I got hit by a... planet.

Sam: How long was I out again?

Dean: I'm tellin' you, like two or three minutes. Why, what'd it feel like to you?

Sam: 'bout a week. give or take.

Dean: None of this "it's just a flesh wound" crap.

Sam: Dean, I might have done...who knows what. And you want me to just forget about it?

Dean: You shove it down, and you let it come out in spurts of violence and alcoholism.

Sam: That sounds healthy.

Dean: Well, it works for me.

Sam: That anatomy dummy you were molesting at the lab.

Dean: Excuse me?

Sam: What if that's what this is about?

Dean: What exactly are you accusing me of?

[Ben tricked Dean and Lisa into talking]

Ben: Um...

Dean and Lisa: [in unison] Go to your room.

Lisa: [to Dean] My phone rings, I think: tiny chance it's you, big chance it's Sam calling to tell me you're died.

[Rose's spirit possesses the Impala]

Dean: No... No way...!

Isabelle: [shocked] That's impossible...

Dean: No, no, no, no, no... She possesses sex dolls, this is not a sex doll! [the Impala's lights turn on, and the engine starts revving aggressively] Hey, you leave my Baby alone! She's got nothing to do with this!

[The car tries to run them over]

Dean: [before tricking his possessed Impala to crash into a wall] I'm so sorry, Baby.

Makeup girl: Jensen, there you are. Let's just get you in the chair.

Dean: The chair?

Makeup girl: Okay, good. (reaching for a make-up removal wipe) We're just gonna get this make-up off your face.

Dean: What? Hey, I'm not wearing any make-... (looking at a dirty wipe in disbelief) Oh crap. I'm a painted whore!

Dean: They put frickin' make up on us. Those bastards.

Sam: Look, I think I know what this is.

Dean: Okay, what?

Sam: It's a TV show.

Dean: (sarcastic) You think?!

Sam: Well, I mean, here, wherever this is, thi-this Twilight Zone Balthazar zapped us into... for whatever reason, our life is a TV show.

Dean: Why?

Sam: I don't know.

Dean: No, seriously, why? Why would anybody wanna watch our lives?

Sam: Well according to the television reporter, not many people do.

Sam: I'm just saying we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a Jared Padalecki.

Dean: Oh, so what, now you're Polish?!

Dean: (upon seeing the many Impalas on the set, some of which are beaten up) I feel sick. I'm gonna be sick.

Dean: I feel like this whole place is bad touching me.

Dean: Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. So...Breaker, breaker.

Dean: This isn't Cas.

Sam: Dude, look at him.

Misha: You guys wanna run lines, or...?

Dean: His name is Misha! ... Misha?!

Sam: Oh, wow. (takes Key back from Misha) ... Just great.

(Dean and Sam go away)

Dean: Misha? Jensen? What's with names around here?

Sam: (spotting the actor's trailer) Hey. "J. Ackles."

Dean: That's fake me.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: This must be fake mine. (upon entering the trailer) Dude, I have a helicopter!

Sam: Wow, alright, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?

Dean: Apparently Jensen Ackles.

Sam: (rolling his eyes) Huh.

Sam: If there's a key, then there has to be a lock. And when we find the lock, we can get the weapons, and then we can have the weapons. And the lock, we'll also have the lock, I imagine because we've opened it, and of course, the initial key... a-and...

Dean: (abnormally deep voice) We need to get all three of that crap.

Sam: What?

Dean: That's how he does it!

Bob: Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death.

Sarah: Huh.

Jim: This is Jim here Sarah, and it wasn't all the way to death. So that's a plus.

Dean: (about Raphael) Dude looks like a lady.

Sam: (hitting a wall in Bobby's house) Solid. (with relief) It's real. Nice.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah, real, moldy, termite-eaten home sweet home. Chock full of crap that want to skin you. Oh, and uh, we're broke again.

Sam: (sarcastic) Yeah. But, hey... at least we're talking.

Eve: God doesn't care about you.

Rick: Sure He does.

Eve: Your Father made you and then abandoned you. So you pray. You see signs where there's nothing. But truth is, your Apocalypse came and went, and you didn't even notice. A mother would never abandon her children like He did. You'll see.

Dean: I'm not in the mood. I just had a 12 inch herpe crawl out of my ear!

Sam: What?

Dean: You heard me.

Sam: You saying he wasn't a monster when I ganked him?

Rufus: One way to find out. Bobby, you got a cranial saw in the car?

Bobby: Of course.

Rufus: I want you and you to watch... Okay, I want you and you to watch him and him and... Alright if anything crawls out of anybodies somebody step on it.

Sam: What he did to us... but...

Dean: There's a but?

Sam: I just can't help but think, what would Mom say?

Dean: You know what I think Mom would say? She'd say, "Just 'cause you're blood doesn't make you family. You gotta earn that."

Rufus: [to Dean, Sam, Bobby] This can't be my afterlife because the three of you are here.

Dean: Hey there, you little herpe.

Sam: Why do you keep talking about herpes?

Dean: What? I don't. Shut up. Shut up!

Dean: Who is she, this Eve bitch?

Slug: The Mother of All of us. And the end of all of you. By the time she's done, there'll be more creatures than humans. You'll live in pens. We'll serve up your young and call it veal.

Bobby: It was Omaha. It was my fault. And he never let it go.

Dean: Well, he should have.

Bobby: You don't know what I did, Dean.

Dean: It doesn't matter.

Bobby: What do you mean, it doesn't...?

Dean: I mean, at the end of the day, you two are family. Life's short, and ours are shorter than most. We gonna spend it wringing our hands? Something's going to get us, eventually. And when my guts get ripped out, just so you two know, we're good. Blanket apology for all the crap that anybody's done, all the way around.

Sam: Some of us pulled a lot of crap, Dean.

Dean: Well, clean slate.

Sam: Okay.

Bobby: You two just going to stand there like the ugly girl at the prom, or you gonna pitch in? This so-called Eve mother, whatever, ain't gonna gank herself.

Dean: I mean, accidents just don't happen accidentally. (Sam stares) You know what I mean.

Dean: Can you tell me anything noteworthy about the Russos?

Shawn Russo: Noteworthy? No. I mean, not exactly. Average. You know, big, from Italy.

Dean: I see. Uh, was anyone ever killed or maimed in a war? Or, you know, some other violent thing?

Shawn Russo: What do you mean?

Dean: Like something so dark that it would sully future generations.

Shawn Russo: Uh, no.

Dean: Good. Good stuff. Anyone own a slave?

Shawn Russo: What?

Dean: Routine question. Any ties to the Nazi Party?

Shawn Russo: Excuse me?

Dean: Did Grandma ever piss off a gypsy?

Shawn Russo: Okay. You know what? I don't know what kind of study you're doing, but it's over. Right now.

Sam: Why?

Balthazar: Why what?

Dean: Why did you unsink the ship?

Balthazar: Because I hated the movie.

Dean: What movie?

Balthazar: Exactly.

Sam: Wait. So you saved a cruise liner because...?

Balthazar: Because that god-awful Celine Dion song made me want to smite myself.

Sam: Who's Celine Dion?

Balthazar: Oh, she's a destitute lounge singer somewhere in Quebec, and let's keep it that way, please.

Sam: But now those people and their kids and their kids' kids... they must have interacted with-with so many other people, changed so much crap... you totally butterfly-effected history.

Dean: Dude, dude, rule one. No Kutcher references.

Balthazar: Anyway, let's agree, I did a good thing. One less Billy Zane movie and I saved two of your closest friends.

Balthazar: Sorry, you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you. I don't care.

Dean: What'd she look like?

Sam: Kinda like a librarian.

Dean: Your kind of librarian, or my kind of librarian?

Sam: Well, she was wearing clothes, if that's what you mean.

Balthazar: Uh, sweetie, before we go, I could remove that stick from...

Atropos: Don't try me.

Balthazar: We'll leave it inserted, then.

Dean: So... wait, did-did Balthazar really, uh... unravel a sweater over a chick flick?

Castiel: Yes. Absolutely, that's what he did.

Dean: Wow, well, might be time to take away his cable privileges. Besides, Titanic didn't suck that bad. (Sam stares) Winslet's rack. (Castiel leaves) Well, I'll tell you one thing about Cas, he does not appreciate the finer things.

Bobby: Either of you jokers ever heard anything about a Phoenix?

Dean: River, Joaquin, or the giant flaming bird?

Dean: We'll Star Trek IV this bitch.

Bobby: I only watched Deep Space Nine.

Dean: It's like I don't even know you guys anymore. Star Trek IV. Save the whales.

Castiel: You only have 24 hours.

Sam: What? Why?

Castiel: Well, the answer to your question can best be expressed as a series of partial differential equations...

Bobby: Yeah, aim lower.

Sam: Look, just because you're obsessed with all that Wild West stuff.

Dean: No I'm not.

Sam: You have a fetish.

Dean: Shut up. I like old movies.

Sam: You can recite every Clint Eastwood movie ever made, line-for-line.

Bobby: Even the monkey movies?

Sam: Yeah. Especially the monkey movies.

Dean: His name is Clyde.

Bobby: You goin' to a hoedown?

Castiel: Now is it, is it customary to wear a blanket?

Dean: It's a serape. And yes, it's a... never mind, let's just go.

Sheriff: So what can I do for you, boys?

Sam: Uh we're looking for a man.

Judge Mortimer: I'll bet. Nice shirt there.

Dean: What's wrong with my shirt?

Judge Mortimer: You're very clean.

Dean: It's dirtier than it looks.

Dean: Maybe you got to go find him and make history. I'll stay here, hook up with the posse. Because you know me. I'm a posse magnet. I mean, I love posse. Make that into a t-shirt.

Sam: You done?

Dean: You know what this means?

Bobby: Yeah, I didn't get a soul-onoscopy for nothing.

Bobby: I'm thinkin' maybe it's time you made a call.

Dean: Why's it always got to be me that makes the call, huh? It's not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude's busy. (Castiel appears right behind him) Cas, get out of my ass!

Castiel: I was never in your... have you made any progress in locating Eve?

Castiel: I'll search the town. Give me a moment. (stares off into space)

Dean: Cas, we can still see you.

Castiel: Yeah, I'm still here.

Dean: Okay, you don't have to wait on us. (Castiel tries again) Well, now it just looks like you're pooping.

Castiel: I'm powerless.

Dean: You're joking.

Castiel: Something in this town is, uh... it's affecting me. I assume it's Eve.

Dean: So, wait. Mom's making you limp?

Castiel: Figuratively, yes.

Dean: How?

Castiel: I don't know, but she is.

Dean: Oh, well, that's great, 'cause without your power, you're basically just a baby in a trench coat. (Castiel looks away)

Sam: I think you hurt his feelings.

Castiel: I'm fairly unpracticed with firearms.

Dean: You know who whines? Babies.

Dean: The question is why? What does she want with a... what do you call these?

Bobby: Well, congrats, you discovered it, you get to name it.

Dean: "Jefferson Starships." Huh? Because they're horrible, and hard to kill.

Sam: It looks like the entire bar has been turned into these-

Dean: Jefferson Starships.

Sam: Fine. But why are all... the Starships dead?

Bobby: They won't take long.

Castiel: You don't know that. They may find more wayward orphans along the way.

Bobby: Oh, don't get cute.

Castiel: Right. Pardon me for highlighting their crippling and dangerous empathetic response with "sarcasm." It's a bad idea letting them go.

Bobby: Come on. You don't let Sam and Dean Winchester do squat. They do what they gotta, you know that.

Dean: There's one way to draw her out. Me and Sam will go in.

Bobby: Dean!

Dean: Look, if we don't get a shot off you two better.

Bobby: That's the plan?

Dean: Yeah. Pretty much.

Bobby: Well, at least it ain't complicated.

Dean: Is there anybody in this diner that is not a flesh-eating monster?

Sam: Uh, me and you.

Eve: Relax. I'm not here to fight.

Dean: No. Just to rally every freak on the planet. Bring in Khan worms and-and half-assed Spidermen. And dragons. Really, sister? Dragons?

Eve: So I dusted off some of the old classics. I needed help.

Castiel: I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach. And an older brother saying, "Don't step on that fish Castiel, big plans for that fish." I remember the the Tower of Babel - all 37 feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell they howled, "Divine Wrath!" But come on, dried dung can only be stacked so high.

Castiel: And, of course, I remember the most remarkable event - remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, an old drunk and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending and the rules...And destiny...leaving nothing but freedom and choice. Which is all well and good, except... Well, what if I've made the wrong choice? How am I supposed to know? I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you everything.

Crowley: Chocula here feels every tickle.

Castiel: What is that good for?

Crowley: Apart from the obvious erotic value, you got me.

Crowley: You screwed up, Cass. You let the hounds mangle the pheasant, and now I am up to my elbows in it.

Castiel: What is your point?

Crowley: My point is, you're distracted, and that makes me nervous.

Castiel: I am holding up my end.

Crowley: Ah yes, but is that all you're holding, huh? See, the stench of that Impala's all over your overcoat, angel. I thought we'd agreed, no more nights out with the boys.

Crowley: Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn't underestimate those denim-wrapped nightmares?!

Castiel: God wants you to have freedom.

Rachel: But what does he want us to do with it?

Castiel: [narrating] If I knew then what I know now, I might have said; 'It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope, God wants you to hang yourself with it.' Those first weeks back in Heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.

Castiel: Whose Heaven is this?

Raphael: Ken Lay's. I'm borrowing it.

Castiel: I still question his admittance here.

Raphael: He's devout. Trumps everything.

Raphael: Do I look like I'm joking?

Castiel: You never look like you're joking.

Castiel: (referring to freeing Lucifer and Michael) Then I won't let you

Raphael: Really? You? (holds up one hand and a flash of light appears. Cas is shown on the ground coughing up blood)

Castiel: (narrating) I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week.

Raphael: Tomorrow you kneel, Castiel, or you and anyone with you dies.

Castiel: You want to make a deal? With me? I'm an Angel, you ass. I don't have a soul to sell.

Crowley: The problem with the old place was most of the inmates were masochists already. A lot of "thank you sir, can I have another hot poker up the jacksy?"

Crowley: Just look at them. No one likes waiting in line.

Castiel: What happens when they reach the front?

Crowley: Nothing. They get right back to the end again. That's efficiency.

Castiel: What can I do besides submit or die?

Crowley: Submit or die? What are you, French?

Crowley: Castiel you got what they call 'sex appeal'

Castiel: Thank you.

Dean: You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies.

Castiel: If you touch the Winchesters...

Crowley: Please. I heard you the first time. I promise - nary a hair on their artfully tousled heads. Besides, I think they've proven my point for me. It's always your friends, isn't it, in the end? We try to change. We try to improve ourselves. It's always our friends who got to claw into our sides and-and hold us back. But you know what I see here? The new God [pointing at Castiel] and the new Devil, working together.

Castiel: Enough! Stop talking. And get out of my sight.

Crowley: Well... Glad I came. You're welcome, by the way. You know the difference between you and me? I know what I am. What are you, Castiel? What exactly are you willing to do?

Castiel: You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will...

Dean: You're a freaking child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want, doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want.

Bobby: Our pal, Cas, didn't stop in last night just to mend fences.

Dean: What did he do?

Bobby: Stole something.

Dean: What?

Bobby: The journal of one Moishe Campbell.

Sam: Moishe?

Bobby: Of the New York Campbells.

Sam: Wha- uh... So we gotta get it back. Right?

Bobby: Or just read the copy I already made. Hi, glad to meet you. Bobby Singer: paranoid bastard.

Dean: Who's this Phillips guy?

Bobby: Phillips ain't his last name. It's Lovecraft.

Sam: H.P. Lovecraft? Let me see that.

Dean: Am I supposed to know who that is?

Sam: Horror writer? "At the Mountains of Madness"? "The Call of Cthulu"?

Dean: Yeah, no I was too busy having sex with women.

Crowley: God, how long's it been, Dean? Since my so-called demise, yes?

Dean: Crowley. Let them go now, or I swear-

Crowley: Right, right, you'll rip me a cornucopia of orifices.

Castiel: You are not to harm them, do you understand me?

Crowley: You know what? You're maxed out on putting humans out of bounds.

Dean: I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth.

Castiel: I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that too. Shouldn't trust run both ways?

Dean: Cas, I just can't.

Castiel: Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call. And I am your friend, still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats. I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing.

Dean: Trust your plan to pop Purgatory?

Castiel: I've earned that Dean.

Balthazar: I know I'm going to live to regret this, but... I'm officially... on your team. You bastards.

Dean: And we should believe you why?

Balthazar: Would you believe I had a shred of decency?

Sam: No.

Balthazar: Aww. That hurts. Okay you're right.

Sam: Dean, you know you have pulled some shady crap before but this... has got to be the worst. Whitewashing their memories? Take it from somebody who knows-

Dean: You ever mention Lisa or Ben to me again I will break your nose.

Sam: Dean-

Dean: (near tears) I'm not kidding.

Bartender: So, where do we start?

Sam: Uh, ground floor, corner room, nearest to the fire escape. That's the one I'd pick, quickest getaway.

Bartender: And why do you know that?

Castiel: Rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam. But only if you stand down.

Dean: Save Sam from what? (Cas appears behind Sam and knocks him out with a touch.)

Dean: I can't just sit here, Bobby, I have got to help him.

Bobby: Dean...

Dean: Dreamscape his noggin, something.

Bobby: You know what Cas did. The dam inside your brother's head is gone, and all hell's spilling loose. We don't know what's going on inside there.

Dean: I don't care.

Soulless Sam: My God. Am I really that gawky?

Sam: This is impossible.

Soulless Sam: Cold. Try again.

Sam: I'm a... I'm hallucinating.

Soulless Sam: Warmer. But see, normally, you're awake when you're tripping balls.

Sam: I'm dreaming?

Soulless Sam: And someone just won a copy of the home game. We're inside your grapefruit Sam. Son, you've been juiced.

Sam: I-I don't remember anything.

Soulless Sam: Well, your BFF Cas brought the hell-wall tumbling down, and you, pathetic infant that you are, shattered into pieces.

Soulless Sam: You think I'm bad. Wait 'til you meet the other one.

Balthazar: Well at least you mudfish finally got the angel-proofing right. (points at Sam) How's sleeping beauty? You didn't steal any kisses, I trust.

Castiel: I'm renegotiating our terms.

Crowley: Is that so? What terms do you propose?

Castiel: You get nothing. Not one single soul.

Crowley: Kind of noticed, it seems a bit unfairly weighted.

Sam: Hey. HEY!

Tortured Sam: Oh, hi Sam.

Sam: So. Which one are you?

Tortured Sam: Don't you know? (stands up to show his face, which is harrowed.) I'm the one that remembers Hell.

Tortured Sam: I wish you hadn't come, Sam.

Sam: I had to. I'm here, right? Out there in the real world, I'm at Bobby's, aren't I?

Tortured Sam: How do you know?

Sam: This whole time, I've smelled nothing but Old Spice and whiskey. Figured if I could get back here, back to my body I could, I don't know, I could snap out of it somehow.

Tortured Sam: First you have to go through me.

Sam: Why?

Tortured Sam: Humpty-dumpty has to put himself back together again before you wake up. And I'm the last piece.

Sam: Which means I have to know what you know. What happened in the cage?

Tortured Sam: Trust me. You don't want to know it.

Sam: You're right. But I still have to

Tortured Sam: Sam, you can't imagine... Stay here. Go back, find that bartender, go find Jess, but don't do this. I know you. You're not strong enough.

Sam: We'll just have to see

Tortured Sam: Why is this so important to you?

Sam: You know me. You know why. I'm not leaving my brother alone out there.

Tortured Sam: (picks up a knife and holds it out to Sam) I'm not gonna fight you. But this is your last chance. (Sam takes the knife.) Good luck. You're gonna need it. (Sam stabs him, absorbing his memories.)

Crowley: (After the spell fails) Mm-hmm. Maybe I said it wrong.

Castiel: You said it perfectly. But what you needed was this (holds up real blood jar.)

Crowley: I see. And we've been working with (tastes it) dog blood. Naturally.

Raphael: Enough of these games, Castiel. Give us the blood.

Crowley: You... Game's over. His jar's empty. So, Castiel, how did your ritual go? Better than ours, I'll bet.

Castiel: You can't imagine what it's like. They are all inside me, Millions upon millions of souls.

Crowley: Sounds sexy. Exit stage Crowley. (Crowley disappears)

Castiel: You're not my family, Dean. I have no family.

Castiel: The angel blade won't work. Because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down, and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you.


	28. Chapter 28 The Future South Guy

Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Blablahblblah blahblahblablahblah?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Blahblah blahblablablahBLABLAH..?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: BART! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Well then, what did I say?

Bart: Uuhhhh... "Straighten up and fly right?"

Mrs. Krabappel: Ptch—that was a lucky guess!

Otto: Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!

Bart: Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?

Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!

Bart: [to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street.

[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]

Terri: Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!

Sherri: And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.

Terri: He's pathetic!

Bart: Good morning, girls!

Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.

Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.

Bart: And where'd they land?

Terri: Sunny Acapulco.

Bart: And why'd they leave England?

Sherri: Giant rats.

Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]

Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.

Bart: Meaning...

Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.

Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

Karl: You don't belong here.

Homer: Huh?

Karl: YOU don't belong here. You're a fraud, and a phoney, and it's only a matter of time till they found you out.

Homer: [gasp!] Who told you?

Karl: You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the.. the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester. [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.

Homer: I— I—

Karl: Trust me, Homer!

Homer: I...

Karl: Take a step and say it!

Homer: I.. deserve this.

Karl: Louder!

Homer: I DESERVE THIS!

Karl: SHOUT IT!

Homer: I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!

Karl: I'll need three weeks vacation in moving expenses.

Homer: YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!

[Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.]

Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.

Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.

Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter?

[He points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair.]

Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!

Smithers:[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

Narrator: Quoth the raven-

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart: Okay, okay.

Marge: I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!

Homer: Don't be so stubborn! We're not saving a few dollars, we're saving a few thousand dollars!

[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, journalist Dave Shutton approaches them.]

Dave Shutton: So, caught anything?

Lisa: Not yet, sir.

Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait?

Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

Dave Shutton: I see. What's your name, son?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Dave Shutton: [chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!

Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?

Homer: Oh, Barney.

Moe: C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.

Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.

Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You're on Gumbo Vision!

Homer: WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]

[Gumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper.]

Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.

Homer: Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers her eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!

Homer: All right, knock it off!

Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt...

Ned: [gasps]

Homer: ...is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand.

Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

Homer wolfs down nachos that Maude prepared

Homer: One for the road!

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes: I believe in you.

Bart: Thanks, man.

[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]

Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!

Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow and Bart off herself] This is family glue!

Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Bart: Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Lisa: [hands Bart glue] Here.

Bart: Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike, Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue]

[Homer tries to light a log on fire and isn't successful.]

Grampa: That's no way to light a fire! Where's your kindling?

Homer: This thing's going to be roaring anytime now.

Selma: Even a caveman can start a fire.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Okay Lisa. We're ready for your centerpiece. [Lisa heads to the dining room with the centerpiece] Oh, Lisa my goodness, that's very impressive.

Homer: Holy moly. That's the biggest... one of those I ever saw!

Patty: Mmm, I always said she was gifted.

Selma: Definitely from our side of the family, right mom?

Jacqueline: Leave me alone.

Selma: How long did that take you, honey?

Lisa: I couldn't tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love, it's my homage to some American heroes who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless-

Bart: [interrupts Lisa and walks in humming with the turkey]

Homer: Speaking of heroes, here's mine, Tom turkey [holds up the cutlery and laughs]

Bart: Oh yikes! What is that?

Lisa: It's the centerpiece, Bart.

Bart: [attempts to move the centerpiece] Well, it's taking up valuable real estate.

Lisa: Hey Bart, stop it!

Bart: Move it or lose it Toots!

Lisa: Mom!

Marge: Now just a minute, I'm sure there's room for both.

[Bart grabs the centerpiece and Lisa also grabs it tries to take it out of his hands]

Lisa: Bart you're wrecking it! Let go! I worked forever on this! [The two continuously fight over the centerpiece]

Grandpa: Ooh [The centerpiece falls in the fireplace and burns, Lisa screams] Hey, that got her going.

Bart: Bitchin' [Lisa attempts to save the centerpiece but is has been reduced to ash]

Lisa: BART! [Bart and Lisa begin fighting causing the table to shake and spilling food and beverages over, Marge and Homer grab the fighting siblings and when Marge lets Lisa go, Lisa runs upstairs crying and slams the door]

Homer: [Lets Bart go] All right Bart THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!

Bart: Okay, I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go and sent and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

Homer: I SAID NOW!

Bart: Mom, do I have to?

Marge: Yes you do! I hope you're happy Bart! YOU'VE RUINED THANKSGIVING!

Lisa: Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?

Bart: Oh, come on.

Lisa: Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?

Bart: I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!

Lisa: Just tell me you're sorry!

Bart: Why should I?!

Lisa: Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.

Bart: Leave me alone.

Lisa: Just look!

Bart: Ok, ok. Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr...uh-oh. [[puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.

Lisa: Apology accepted. [She kisses his cheek]

[Camera pans down at Homer who's in the bathroom listening]

Homer: You know, Marge, we're great parents.

Kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35.

Homer: Dear Lord, we thank You for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.

Simpson Family{in unison}: Amen.

Simpsons eat leftovers

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart: What?

Otto: Cool!

[Bart and Milhouse are at the Simpson house watching tv.]

Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.

Bart: Correction, was your seat.

[Cut to Moe's Tavern]

Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!

Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

Marge: This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable for younger and more impressionable viewers?!

Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, but what are ya gonna go?

Marge: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a letter!

[Marge writes down letter]

Marge: "Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way.

[at Itchy & Scratchy Intl.]

Marge: "Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson."

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Take a letter, Ms. White. "Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference... no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying..."

Marge: [reading the letter out loud] "And the horse I rode in on"!? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

At Meyers Studios

Roger Meyers, Jr.: {dictating from random letter} I don't believe this. 'I will never watch your show, buy any of your products, or brake if I see you crossing the street.' Wow, that's cold. 'Dear sleaze merchant.' Aw, common, that hurts. Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.

[Outside the studio are a convoy of mail trucks delivering bag loads of hate mail.]

Homer: I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad.

Bart: After dinner, can I watch cartoons?

Marge: No!

Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler!

Lisa: There's peas everywhere!

Bart: Well, ahh... I guess I'll just go and go watch some cartoons...

Marge: No! I'm sorry about the dinners. I'll make up for it tomorrow night.

Bart: Hey, who's up for some cartoons?

Marge: NO-ONE!

Bart: All right!

Homer: Hey, tomorrow night, how about baking some of your patented pork chops?

Marge: Ooh, sure! Oh dear, I can't... I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.

Homer: D'OH! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Kent Brockman: Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment in all of this?

Marvin Monroe: Uh... well, Kent... to me, the hijinks of a few cartoon characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm-I'm referring it to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.

Kent Brockman: So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?

Marvin Monroe: No, not at all. In fact... one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of butter popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy and... laugh myself silly. And the hell is wrong with that?

Brockman: [referring Michelangelo's David] Is it a masterpiece, or just some guy with his pants down? That's our topic tonight on Smartline. Now, Mrs. Simpson, why are you against this statue?

Marge: I'm not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.

Brockman: W-wait a minute... aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?

Marge: Hmm... yes and no.

Monroe: [live via satellite in Athens, Greece] Hold it, hold it, hold it! How can you be, for one form, on freedom of expression like ou-our big naked friend over there, a-and be against another form, like, um... Itchy & Scratchy?!

Marge: Hmm...

Brockman: Good question.

Marge: Well, I guess I can't. Which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons.

Monroe: Oh yeah?! Well, what do you have to say that all those Marge Simpson wannabes out there who wish to suppress David's doodle!?

Marge: Hmm... I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn't.

Museum. Homer and Marge see Michelangelo's sculpture

Homer: So there it is, Michelangelo's Dave.

Marge: David pronounces it properly as Da-Veed

Homer: Oh, right.

Marge makes her signature annoyed nag

Homer: What's wrong.

Marge: I just cannot get over the fact the kids could be admiring one of the world's masterpieces and instead they are home watching some cat and mouse do cut-ups.

Homer: Don't worry Marge. Soon enough the kids will see it, along with all the kids of Springfield Elementary School?

Marge: How so?

Homer: They'll be forcing them to!

Homer: He's awake!

Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.

Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. [to Lionel Hutz] You, I've never seen before.

Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer: Ooh, classy.

Judge Snyder: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?

Bart: Maybe.

Judge Snyder: Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?

Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No!

Bart: No.

Judge Snyder: OK, go ahead.

Bart: It was a day like any other. I was out enjoying the nice day when there it was...

Bart's vision includes a demonic Burns

Smithers: Innocent child at 3 o'clock.

Burns: Excellent. Luxury Car of Death, attack!

Burns' car uses its head ornament like a scope, running over Bart. Returns to reality

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Young man, are you dead?

Bart: No, but there are days...I wish I were!

Bart's fraudulent testimony has moved the audience to tears. All except Marge and Lisa, who are angry at him for lying, and angrier at Homer and Lionel Hutz for encouraging perjury

Mr. Burns' fraudulent testimony. It is imagined to the tune of Tiajuana Taxi showing him driving a VW Beetle painted with flowers

Mr. Burns: {as narrator} While on my way to distribute toys to the local orphanage, that incorrigible Simpson youngster darted out in front of me.

Mr. Burns stops car and holds an unconscious Bart

Mr. Burns: Oh no, how could this be, God? An innocent child? Take me, I am old!

[After the first day in trial, Mr. Burns is clearly upset with his lawyers.]

Mr. Burns: THEY HATE ME! WHAT TRIAL WERE YOU WATCHING?!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Maybe a settlement.

Mr. Burns: [furious] Oh, yes, SETTLEMENT, FINE! Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, under-brained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll pile off with a banana or two!

[Homer is infuriated when he hears Mr. Burns insults him in another room.]

[While spying on Homer and Marge in the next room, Burns almost feels like he's having a panic attack when he hears Homer abrasively refusing his settlement.]

Homer: I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million. $500,000, I spit at his $500,000.

[Homer attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. While he tries to clean off the chair, Marge finally loses her patience with Homer's behavior and voices her opinion in wanting to accept the money.]

Marge: Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!

Mr. Burns: [realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!

Marge: Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

Mr. Burns: [reappearing on the scene with Smithers] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Smithers, release the hounds!

[At the trial the next day, everyone is shocked when Mr. Burns' lawyer calls Marge to the witness stand.]

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.

Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer: [cringes] D'oh, the truth.

[Mr. Burns's Lawyer walks up to an unprepared Marge.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Marge: Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to tempitigo all with competence, love and care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him?

[Marge becomes nervous and hesitant, which makes Mr. Burns' lawyer very impatient with her. Hutz looks concerned as everyone else peers behind him in suspicion after hearing Marge's testimony discrediting his claims of Dr. Riviera being the Simpsons's family physician by admitting to having Dr. Hibbert being their family physician.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson!

Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Homer: Will that hold up in court?

Hutz: [glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion on Dr. Riviera?! And let me remind you that you're under oath!

Marge: [On Dr. Riviera] Well, to be honest, he seemed to be more concerned in wrapping Bart in bandages than making him feel better and he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that he's even a doctor.

[Homer feels betrayed by Marge's testimony, while Lisa who is holding Maggie, is proud of her for doing the right thing.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: And Mrs. Simpson, can you describe to us in your own words, Bart's intense mental anguish and suffering.

[Bart smiles, but Marge continues telling the truth.]

Marge: Well, I don't know how intense it was, but I guess he missed three days of school.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Oh three days.

Marge: Although he doesn't like school all that much, so that doesn't count as anguish.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: No, it doesn't, Mrs. Simpson.

Marge: But it was a little hard on me having him around the house all the time.

[Bart frowns at Marge, also feeling betrayed by her for testifying against both Hutz and Homer.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships?

Marge: Well, we pay Bart $5 a week to take out the trash. I suppose if he'd been able to do it, we might have given him the $5.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: $5?! But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer, is asking for a million! Well, I guess we can't blame him for trying, can we? Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.

[Homer and Hutz are downbeat, while Mr. Burns chuckles in delight after hearing that Marge's honest testimony has destroyed their feeble attempt.]

Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.

[He draws a giant zero on a paper and hands it to Homer and Hutz.]

Hutz:(realizes that he and Homer both lost the case) I think we should take it.

[Homer shudders in defeat and dejection.]

Simpson residence. A downbeat Homer blames Marge for testifying against Hutz's case and costing him a million dollars

Homer's Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.

Marge: Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese?

Homer's Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.

Homer: No, thank you.

Marge: Some string beans?

Homer's Brain: No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing—Uh-oh. Better answer.

Homer: No, thank you.

Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?

Homer's Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.

Homer: No, thank you.

Bart: You know, think of all the things we could have bought with that cool million.

Marge: Bart, please.

Homer excuses himself and proceeds to Moe's Tavern

Moe: Aah, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born to the day they die they think they're happy, but trust me...they ain't.

Homer's Brain: Moe. Wish he'd shut up.

Master Chef: (hearing car horn) Ah, she's here. (to Toshiro) Cover for me.

(He leaves just as Akira enters)

Akira: One Fugu.

Toshiro: (gasps) No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's... it's...

Akira: Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal. But if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.

Toshiro: Uh... I must get Master.

(Toshiro heads out to the parking lot, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside)

Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair smells so... clean...

Toshiro: Master, you are needed in the kitchen.

Master Chef: (angrily) I said cover for me, damn it!

Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!

Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy! You do it!

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.

Homer: [furiously] Why you little...! [shouts madly]

Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.

Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!

Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.

Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.

Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.

Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!

[Bart and Lisa laugh.]

After one last night of lovemaking with Marge, Homer goes downstairs. He listens to the Bible on tape until he slumps in the armchair seemingly lifeless. The following morning Marge awakens

Marge: {shocked that she is alone in bed} Homer? Homer!

Marge goes downstairs and finds Homer in the armchair, thinking he has expired

Marge: Oh, Homer.

Marge looks closer at Homer and sees he is drooling

Marge: Wait a minute...drool...and it is warm...Homer, wake up!

Homer: {groggy} Huh? Marge, I died.

Marge: No Homer, you are alive!

Homer: You are right, I am alive. Woo hoo! From this day forward, I vow to live life to the fullest!

End credits are shown as Homer is back on the couch shlumpily eating pork rinds and watching bowling on TV

Critic: Our next movie is "McBain", another shoot-em-up, push-em-through-the-plate-glass-window splatterfest from the Hollywood cookie cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene.

[show scene]

Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in the state, McBain. And yet, you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards and drove a bus to his front door!?

McBain: But captain, I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel!

Captain: I don't wanna hear it, McBain! You're outta here!

[McBain punches the captain out of the window and plummets into the fountain]

McBain: That makes two of us.

[The TV's image gets shaky during a movie review show]

Bart and Lisa: [in unison] AUGH!

Homer: Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.

[Homer hits the TV, causing the shakiness to get worse]

Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Marge: You know, before we got married, we hardly ever watch television.

Bart: You lie!

Homer: BART!

Marge: No, it's true, Bart. We used to shoot pool, and go dancing...

Lisa: How romantic!

Marge: In a lot of times, we'd stay at home and talk, just like this.

Bart: I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.

Lisa: So hard to picture you two then. Hand in hand at the crossroads of life — there's so many questions.

Marge: Pick one.

Lisa: Okay. Uhh... How did Dad propose to you?

Marge: Oh.. well...

[Flashback to 1980; Homer and Marge are in Dr. Hibbert's office]

Dr. Hibbert: Well, Miss Bouvier... I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations.

Homer: D'oh!

[Returns to the present]

Marge: Lisa, I'd rather a different story how your father and I first met and fell in love.

[Principal Dondalinger catches Homer and Barney smoking in the bathroom]

Dondalinger: Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong. Allow me, gentlemen. [grabs their cigarettes and tosses them in the toilet] You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.

Homer and Barney: [in unison] Three o'clock, old building, room 106.

Artie: Our current speed limit is an anachronism.

Homer: [reading] "Ignoramus."

Artie: The fatuity— Will you shut up!?

Homer: Wait a minute! That word you keep calling me!?

Artie: "Ignoramus?"

Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!?

Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.

Homer: Not to me, there isn't, you..!

[After a brief exchange, the teacher, Mrs. Blumenstein calms Homer down]

Mrs. Blumenstein: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?

Homer: With pleasure.

[Homer turns around and moons the class; the class gasp in response. Cut to present]

Bart: Ay carumba!

Marge: Why so glum?

Homer: [sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.

[back to present]

Homer: And I never have.

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]

Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart: Hell.

Homer: BART!

Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?

Homer: Kid's got a point, Marge.

Bart: Hell yes!

Marge: Bart.

Bart: [sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Hans: [reading the eye chart] F, L... oh no, I'm sorry, that's a C, isn't it?

[Patty stamps his driver's license, which reads 'Ralph Melish', VOID]

Patty: If that was an oncoming vehicle you'd be dead now. Next!

Hans: But... driving is my livelihood!

Patty: Ehh, take it like a man.

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?

Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.

Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

[Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.]

Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?

Moe: Homer who?

Bart: Homer… [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] …Sexual.

Moe: Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.

[The entire bar, including Homer laughs at Moe.]

Homer: Don't look at me!

Moe: Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!

Skinner: Bart, I am flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field that you would be caught.

Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.

Skinner: THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!

Bart: Uh-oh.

Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce to my wife's lovely—and available—sister, Selma.

Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty!

Homer: WHAT!?

Skinner: Pat... ty...

Homer: D'oh! Wrong one!

[Skinner is immediately smitten by Patty.]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.

Homer: What is it, Dad?

Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.

Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

[The family says farewell to Herb.]

Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.

Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!

[Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.]

Marge: [consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

Lisa: [Agreeing with Herb and laments on his status] His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Herb: Have you come up with a name for our new economy model?

Executive 1: You're gonna love this, chief. The... Persephone.

Herb: Persephone? What the hell kinda name is "Persephone"?!

Executive 2: She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth.

Herb: D'oh...!

Executive 3: Lemme get this, sir. She was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates—

Herb: People want cars with names like Jaguar, Mustang, Wildcat, names that convey power. People do not want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!

Lisa: A long lost half-brother, how Dickensian!

Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?

Homer: BART!

Bart: His parents aren't married are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?

Homer: I guess he's got us there.

Marge: Hrrrmmm...

Bart: Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard!

Marge: BART!

Powell Motors. Herb takes Homer to a showroom displaying all his vehicles

Herb: Take your pick.

Homer: For me? Could that get expensive?

Herb: Ha ha ha! There is probably a maximum of forty dollars worth of steel in any of these! Just name a car Homer and it is yours.

Homer: I do not like any of them.

Herb: Why not?

Homer: They do not look flashy.

Executive #1: Sir, Americans do not like flashy cars. That went out in the 1950s.

Homer: And they don't look like they can tear up the road.

Executive #2: Sir, Americans want cars with good fuel mileage, not burners.

Herb: Americans do not want that? Homer, tell the man what country you are from.

Homer: America.

Herb: You hear that you buffoons? America! That is precisely why we are losing ground. You are not giving customers what they want, you are telling them what they want! Homer, I want you to design my next car. For Homer Simpson and all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year.

Homer: And I want you to let me!

While Homer is working on the car design, Herb is spending time with Marge and the kids, becoming more of a family man like Homer

Lisa: I want to go on a pony ride.

Bart: Yeah, well I want to go on a boat ride.

Lisa: Pony ride!

Bart: Boat ride!

Lisa: Pony ride!

Bart: Boat ride!

Scene cuts to Lisa riding a pony, then pans out to Bart looking through a spyglass, showing Lisa is riding a pony around the deck of a schooner

Bart: Ahoy!

Also on board are Marge and Herb

Herb: Kids are so easy to please.

Marge: Herb, please do not think I am ungrateful for what you have done for us, but I am just concern we may be spoiling the kids.

[Abe comes to Michigan to meet with Herb until he discovers too late what Homer did.]

Abe:[berating Homer] D'oh, I knew you'd blow it!

Homer: [answers phone] Yello?

Ms. Winfield: Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again! I'm calling the dog warden right now!

Homer: Oh, are you?! Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-axe! Because my dog is tied up in the backyard!

Ms. Winfield: There's only one family on this block — no, on Earth — inconsiderable enough to let a monster like that roam free!

Homer: [grunts] Are you losing your hearing or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is NOT my dog! I TIED MY DOG OUTSIDE MYSELF! [looks at backyard] I AM LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT—D'OH!

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Ms. Winthrop: Ladies and gentlemen, most of you already know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. [suddenly stern] STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life - "choke chain!" [places the chain around Santa's Little Helper's neck] You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! [beat] ...Followed by immediate correction. [she tugs the chain. Santa's Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground]

Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?

Ms. Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.

Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?

Ms. Winthrop: [laughs] You don't know how often I'm asked that! "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

[in Emily Winthrop's office]

Bart: Ms. Winthrop, I was thinking.

[Ms. Winthrop motions Bart to be seated, with Santa's Little Helper jumps onto him]

Bart: Ah! Unh!

Ms. Winthrop: Tut-tut-tut, oh dear.

Bart: Uh, since you get paid either way, would it a big deal to just... let my dog pass?

Ms. Winthrop: I see. Rubber stamp on it, thank you very much, next in line! Is that it?

Bart: Yeah!

Ms. Winthrop: Heavens to Murgatroyd..! Bart, perhaps I hang on to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was winged on are put to sleep or neutered, one by one. [beat] But my time has not passed yet! The world does not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit!

Bart: He'll sit! He'll sit! Come on, boy. Sit. Sit! [in Santa's vision] Blah blah! Blah blah!

Ms. Winthrop: Pull the chain!

Bart: Huh?

Ms. Winthrop: Correct the dog!

Bart: I don't wanna strangle my dog.

Ms. Winthrop: PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!

[Bart fiercely thrusts Santa's choke chain, yelping from the chains on his neck, whimpers]

Bart: [consoles him] I'm sorry, boy. I can't help being dumb.

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.

Homer: [Gasp] My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?

Bart: Well...

Homer: Aaah!

[At Bea's funeral]

Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am dad.

Grandpa: [sarcastically] Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything!

Homer: Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing!

Grandpa: [angrily] No you idiot! I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last precious moment of Bea's life! I'll never speak to you again! [tears off his coat in anger and sadness] I HAVE NO SON! [Homer is saddened by this]

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I, you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

Mr. Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea.]

Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[Somewhere in Liverpool.]

Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.

Ringo: Just set it over there.

Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.

Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

Mr. Bergstrom: [reading Charlotte's Web] "Nobody of the hundreds of people that visited the fair knew that a grey spider had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

Bart: And here's comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.

All: EWWW!

Bart: We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.

All: EWWWW!

Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!

Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!

Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in!

All: AAAHHHHHH!

Lisa: I'm glad I'm not crying. Because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion. But YOU, sir, are a baboon!

Homer: (gasp!) Me?

Lisa: Yes, you! BABOON, BABOON, BABOON, BABOON!

Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...

Lisa: BABOOOONNN! [leaves in tears]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?

Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad-

Lisa: Not mine.

Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish-

Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer: What are you so mopey about?!

Lisa: Nothing.

Marge: Lisa, tell your father.

Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left today.

Homer: [uninterested] Oh?

Lisa: He's gone. Forever.

Homer: And?

Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.

Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge: Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".

(Homer is explaining to Bart in his room about his drunken behavior)

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.

Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

(after the party, as Marge is prying a drunk Homer off the floor)

Marge: (angrily) I have never been so embarrassed in all my life!

Homer: (half-drunkenly) Why, what'd ya do?

Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. [opens a metal suitcase] Behold!

Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!

Comic Book Guy: None other!

Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...

Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.

Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.

Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!

Bart: Me? [Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years] Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.

Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?

Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we ever–

Homer: Bart! Stop it!

Bart: Sorry. ["To everything, turn..."]

Bart, sick of going nowhere with selling lemonade, steals Homer's beer and sells it, attracting drunks

Barney: Hey Bart, I'm a little hard up. Give some credit to your pal?

Bart: Beat it, cash only.

Officer Eddie: What have we here?

Bart: Beer for a nickel!

Officer Lou: Did you know you are not allowed to sell beer without a liquor license?

Officer Eddie: And you must be over 21 in order to qualify for a liquor license!

Bart: You know, Springfield's finest are not appreciated enough, so here is a couple for you gentlemen, on the house!

Officer Lou: I guess we can let this one slide.

Homer's car pulls into driveway

Bart: Wuh-oh.

Homer: Hey, what's all the – aagh! My beer! My beer! My beautiful beer!

Bart gets spanked and made to sit in corner for pilfering Homer's beer

Bart: [grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.

Homer: What's the problem, boy?

Bart: I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.

Homer: Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.

Bart: Really?

Homer: Nah.

Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.

Homer: [sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Bart: [as he stares at the Radioactive Man comic in the store window] Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!

[sign lights up]

Sign: RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Crowd: Ooh!

Strong applause

Sign: MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.

Crowd: Oh.

Moderate applause

Sign: MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY.

Weak applause

Sign: CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.

Entire crowd stares in stunned silence, save for Carl, Homer and Lenny, who snicker at that sign

Homer: {chuckling} Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]

Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!

Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!

Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer: Amen to that!

[The family laughs] [1]

Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Post Office Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns... Uh, what's your first name?

Homer: ...I don't know.

Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef!

Stan: What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?

Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or vegetable medley.

Cartman: Kick ass.

Stan: Yeah, whatever, I have a bad itch.

Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, "I have a bad itch".

Ms. Crabtree: Oh.

Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby!

Kyle: Kick the baby.

[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!

Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that Rabbits eat lettuce!

Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, "Rabbits eat lettuce".

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

Kyle: [Into Cartman's ear] Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother god darn it!

Cartman: Ow, That hurt you buttermilk!

Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.

Stan: But her note said she'd be here.

[Wendy appears out of nowhere]

Wendy: Hi, Stan. want to catch. [Stan sees Wendy then throws up] Eww!

Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.

Wendy: But why Stan?

[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]

Wendy: Eww!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatize music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny kid shot! What the funk is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of funking kid hole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you bunkers like?! You like to beep and beep and beep and beep and beep and beep!

Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a funk?

Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Wendy: Whatever, dude. I promise me you'll be here.

Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.

Wendy: Cool! We're always be together.

[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]

[Stan vomits Wendy right to her face]

Wendy: Eww!

Stan: Sorry.

Wendy: Hey, look a french fry!

Stan: Cool!

Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!

Cartman: Beefcake.

Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!

Cartman: Beefcake!

Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!

Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.

Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.

Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!

Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat boy, that when you walk down the street, people go "God darn it, that's a big fat boy!"

Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!

Man: God darn, that's a big fat boy!

Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: If Dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

Stan: Dude, Dolphins are Intelligent and friendly.

Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!

Stan: That's impossible! Cartman wouldn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!

Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!

Jimbo: Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer, and some smokes.

Cartman: Hey! I didn't get a gun! [Jimbo gives a rifle to Cartman] Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.

Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!

Ned: Were you stationed in DA Nang?

Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned, you can't believe anything he says.

Cartman: Hey! I'll blow your frigging head off!

Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

Barbrady: Okay, any questions?

Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

Barbrady: That's enough out of you!

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

[During football practice, with Stan as quarterback and Chef coaching]

Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut -

Chef: HIKE THE DARN BALL!

[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]

Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]

Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.

Ned: What are we doing here?

Jimbo: Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] God darn, I love football.

Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]

Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's going to kick your ace, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."

Kenny (muffled): And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]

Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ah, suck!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"

Stan: Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?

Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, BA-chewy-chump, BA-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Paps?

Grampa: Shoot me!

Sharon: Make a wish, Grampa!

Grampa: I wish I were dead!

Randy: (chuckles): That's our silly Grampa.

Grampa: I'm not being silly: shoot me! I'd do it myself, but I'm too darn old!

Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.

Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!

Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they passed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman (shocked): What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!

Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?

[pause]

Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.

Stan: [hangs up] God darn it!

Jesus: I heard that!

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Protester: Look, it's the president of the network!

President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. Luck you!

[pause]

President: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride-

Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!

Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]

Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?

Coroner #2: I don't know, it just-it just makes everything taste so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?

Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, Mr. Cartman.

Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. [he laughs along with Kyle]

Kyle: Sissy.

Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all passed off!

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.

Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total Choad.

Cartman: Aw come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total Choad.

Chef: Hello there, Children!

Cartman: Hey, Chef!

Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a KKK clansman] Aah!

Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts huh?

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.

Kenny: oblivious to Cartman's statement

Cartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?!

Kenny: oblivious

Cartman: exasperated Kenny! Your family's poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!

Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore, h-he just doesn't communicate.

Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.

Chef: Actually-

Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.

Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookiee!

Kyle: Wookiees don't live on Endor.

Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed like a KKKlansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's Thriller video clip]

I'm going to make love, even when I'm dead.

My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed!

Make love, don't you be afraid!

Just because my heart isn't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass too!

Cartman: That's right!

[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]

Cartman: AY!

Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.

Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of heck!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.

Damien: Then I will call you Pip.

Pip: Right-o.

Damien: Everybody hates me.

Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?

Damien: Because I'm the son of the devil.

Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?

Damien: Because I... burn and kill them?

Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.

Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butt hole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!

Damien: I a-pologise for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.

[Cartman farts beside him.]

Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice.

[Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]

Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.

Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you fart-boy from now on.

[Damien walks away from them.]

Stan: Bye bye, fart-boy!

Kyle: See you!

Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?

Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...

Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.

Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!

Kyle: It's a game, Dude. It's really fun.

Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me red megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ace piece of crap!

Kyle: They were all out of them, Dude!

Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die!

[After Cartman yells and kicks everyone out.]

Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.

Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.

Damien: (Sadly) Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.

Stan: You're leaving already?

Damien: I have to. My Dad's always on the move.

[He walks away sadly.]

Stan: Wow, I feel kinda bad for that kid.

Kyle: Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.

Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize what a child needs more than anything is security?

Cartman: Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!

Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!

Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, NEH? NEH, NEH, NEH?

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.

[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

Mr. Hankey: How-dy-ho!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?

Sheila: How about the Dreidel song, boobie?

Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.

Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?

Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me and I love...

Stan: Christmas poo?

Cartman: What the heck is Christmas poo?!

Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?

Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!

Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.

Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the mayor about you Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait. I'm sorry, was it the pagan remark?

Mr. Garrison: The new law States, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.

Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.

[Cartman raises his hand]

Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?

Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor.

Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.

Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]

Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!

Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?

Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!

Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.

Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?

Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.

Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...

Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?

Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.

Wendy: [flips her off] Don't luck with me!

Ms. Ellen: What?!

Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!

Wendy: I told her, Don't... Luck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?

Officer Barbrady: Well you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!

Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]

Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!

Jesus: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.

Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.

Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.

Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?

Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.

Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.

Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?

Mrs. Cartman: Yes?

[long pause]

Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?

Cartman: God darn it, do I have a dad?!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh!

Cartman: I want to know where I came from.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.

Cartman: Uh-huh...

Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

[long pause]

Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.

Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]

Kyle: Whoa, dude!

Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.

Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."

Chief Running Water: Whoa, Hell-o!

Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?

Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.

Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.

Cartman: AY!

Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with wiiiide canyon."

Cartman: Huh?

Chief Running Water: She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."

Cartman: What?

Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.

Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Wests a-eed-eh.

Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.

Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

Narrator: Is it Jimbo?

Jimbo: Daaagh!

Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!

Narrator: Or could it be Ned?

Ned: Could be.

Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?

Kyle: Dad, how could you?!

Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!

Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.

Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.

Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.

Maids and Butlers [M&B]: We only live to kiss your ass

Butler: Kiss it? Hell, we'll even wipe it for you.

M&B: From here on in it's easy street

Peter: Any bars on that street?

Butler: 24 happy-hours a day.

Peter: Oh, boy!

M&B: We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate [one man comes up to the gates]

Guard: Can I see that pamphlet, sir? [smacks him with it]

Peter: My God, this house is freakin' sweet!

Peter: [returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!

Lois: Careful! I just cleaned the floor.

Peter: Good thing. Huh? [laughs]

[the Pope kisses the floor, smacks his lips, and smiles]

Pope: Lemony!

[Lois, shocked at the sight of his Holiness, drops a dish]

Lois: Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!

Francis: [shocked at the sight of the Pope] Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! [kneels before his Holiness] I am not worthy.

Chicken Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

Peter: Nooooo! [runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Chicken Man] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Brian: ...besides, this place is paradise.

Old Man: Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

Peter: Randy Newman?

Man: Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

Newman: [sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!

Lois: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

Newman: [sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ...She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!

Lois: [whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.

Newman: [sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

Barker: Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Brian: Oh, just die already.

[Meg sees a wet stain on the rug]

Meg: EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!

Brian: NO!

Indian Child: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

Indian Child: Li, would your people really do this?

Stewie: Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who will in turn sell them to Yuri's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you understand, yes? You all hate each other.

Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!

[Peter answers the door, and looks scared]

Peter: Who are you?

Death: I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death! Which one you is Peter Griffin?

Peter: [points at Chris] He is.

[Death has a flashback of his teen years when he and his old girlfriend made out in his car; the car rocks]

Death: Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy. Ohh...

[the car stops rocking, all of a sudden; Sandy is silent]

Death: Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?

[he resumes making out with her, and the car rocks again]

Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.

Peter: That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.

Lois: No, you didn't.

Peter: You win this round, Lois.

Lois: You're not being creative. You're just destroying a wonderful show.

Peter: Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.

Lois: The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into.

Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Stewie: [to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.

Woman 2: Sure is hot. [removes her top]

Woman 1: And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]

Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois. Not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Chef: [sings as he comes out of the kitchen with...] 10 banana cream pies!

[Lois and Ironbox, still in their catfight, slam into him, and he drops the pies]

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!

Brian: You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?

Peter: ...Oh yeah.

Lois: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

Peter: Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

Lois: Peter!

Peter: I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

[he points to said man in front of the lockers]

Majors: What? Women are things.

Mr. Fargas: Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect...

[he wheels in a stretcher, and exposes...]

Mr. Fargas: A clown!

[the students, including Peter, gasp, and Mr. Fargas cuts the tissue with his scalpel and looks inside the clown with a strange look on his face]

Mr. Fargas: Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... [extracts from the clown...] CANDY!

[he tosses the candy to his cheering students]

[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]

Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.

Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.

[he is actually driving blind]

Lois: Then at least let me drive!

Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable.

Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.

[cut to Hell; the Devil gets a message instantly]

Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.

Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.

Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

Fisherman: [after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!

Peter: Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?

Chris: [lividly] NO WAY!

[he throws his last ball at the target, and it hits, sending the fisherman into the shark-infested tank]

Fisherman: Oh, for the love of Pete!

[a shark eats him]

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?! [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!

[cut to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera]

Stewie: Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just- I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Man in Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?

Stewie: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]

Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

Lois: Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.

Chris: Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?

Lois: [nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.

Chris: But I remember it so clear-

Peter and Lois: [loudly] It was a dream!

Child on television: Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?

[jail door closes]

Voiceover: Just one.

Brian: [eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.

Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."

Brian: Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

Stewie: AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!

Brian: AHA! Thank you for proving my point.

Stewie: DAMN!

Janet: Hi! Cookie?

Stewie: No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

Peter: Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell getting around. I actually had to rent a mustang.

[cut to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]

Peter: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

[Peter has gotten liposuction]

Stewie: My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Chris: Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.

Meg: Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!

Chris: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Meg: I don't have a mustache...do I?

Lois: Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Meg: But, Mom!

Lois: Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

[cut to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]

Stewie: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in hell... [falls asleep]

[while Lois is home-schooling the kids, Chris passes a note to Meg]

Lois: Chris, is that a note?

Chris: No.

Lois: Yes it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?

Chris: ...No!

Meg: Just read it, lardo.

Chris: [reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.

Lois: Go to your room.

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.

Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?

Chris: The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]

Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.

Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?

West: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]

Meg: Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...

West: My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Meg: It just went down the drain.

West: They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!

Meg: You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]

West: Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

Lois: You're drunk again!

Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!

Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Quagmire: The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is...well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

Stripper: How old are you?

Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore.

Leela: Are you alright?

Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.

Leela: Not you. [She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.] Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.

[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]

Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it!

Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming.

Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party.

Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler!

Leela: Just make a simple cake, and this time if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.

Professor Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.

Calculon: Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't sugar-coat it.

DoctorBot: All right. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home, and you have inoperable cancer.

Bender: [laughs hysterically] Bet you didn't expect that one, Calculon!

Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?

Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you!

Leela: No. We're on the top.

Fry: Daylight and everything.

Vyolet: It must be wonderful.

Bender: Meh.

Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?

Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.

Zapp Brannigan: My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.

Kif Kroker: What?

Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.

Zapp Brannigan: Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.

Leela: I never loved you.

Zapp Brannigan: I meant physically. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually?

Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things.

Zapp Brannigan: Kif might!

Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.

Fry: We don't have a brig.

Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".

[Later]

Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes?

Zapp Brannigan: Take them to the laundry/brig!

Zapp Brannigan: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.

Neutral President's Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?

Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe.

Bender: Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess. And my Banjo. [Fry looks at him.] And Fry.

Neutral President's Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.

Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".

Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.

Prof. Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Richard Nixon's Head: Look here, you drugged-out communist! I paid for this body, and I'd no sooner return it than my Cocker-Spaniel dog, Checkers.

Checker's Head: Arf!

Richard Nixon's Head: SHUT UP, DAMMIT!

Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates... Puny human no. 1, puny human no. 2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.

Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family?

Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.

Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.

Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon with charisma? My god, I could rule the universe!

Richard Nixon's Head: NIXON'S BACK!

Morbo: All hail our gargantuan, cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.

Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!

Prof Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.

Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!

Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?

Bender: No! I sold my body.

Prof. Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.

Jack Johnson: It's time for someone who has the courage to stand up and say, I'm against those things that everybody hates!

John Jackson: Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But quite frankly... I agree with everything he just said!

Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.

[The man is in a library amongst the bookshelves.]

Man: Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. [His glasses fall off and break.] It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. [His eyes fall out.] Aaah! It's not f- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille. [His hands fall off.] Aaaaaaah! [Then his tongue falls out and finally his head comes off.] Hey, look at that weird mirror!

Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel!

Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.

Fry: Leela, I got a plan.

Leela: I got a better plan.

Conan O'Brien's Head: [fed up of Bender's heckling] Listen pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 2012, but I still have one thing you'll never have: a soul!

Bender: Meh.

Conan O'Brien's Head: And freckles! [Bender bursts into tears]

Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!

Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsleders.

Fry: Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes: A true inspiration for the children.

Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.

Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

Bender: Lets face it, comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy! Ha ha ha, that's funny.

Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.

Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.

Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.

Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass!

Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!

Robot Santa: You dare bribe Santa!? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!

[the Planet Express crew are relaxing at the ski lodge]

Fry: It really puts you in the Christmas mood.

Prof. Farnsworth: What-mas?

Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.

Leela: Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".

Fry: Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!

Dr. Zoidberg: Why?

Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!

Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.

Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!

Prof. Farnsworth: [spoken] Now let's all of us shut up and sing!

Amy: [singing] He knows when you are sleeping,

Prof. Farnsworth: [singing] He knows when you're on the can,

Leela: [singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.

Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] Oh,

Hermes: [singing] You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,

Bender: [singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.

Fry: [singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!

[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone!

Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.

Fry: "Sack"?

Amy: And Bender, your beer belly is so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense.

Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!

Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.

Fry: Ah, futuristic!

Amy: [To Leela] Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering.

Leela: Those poor 20th century women.

[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]

Prof. Farnsworth: We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.

Fry: Oh, baby! I'm THERE!

Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?

Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll!

Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species: fatal or non-fatal?

Fry: Fatal.

Dr. Zoidberg: [To Bender] Large bet on myself in round one.

Decapodian: See you at the frenzy, Doctor [He makes a gibberish noise].

Fry: Is that how you say "Zoidberg"? [The Decapodian runs off crying]

Zoidberg: [angrily] You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.

[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]

Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?

Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.

Fry: Hey, I can any girl I want anytime I want! I'm just too busy.

[He plays with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. He snarls and starts to untie it.]

[Dr. Zoidberg is attempting to woo Edna, with help from Fry.]

Fry: Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.

Dr. Zoidberg: [to Edna] I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. [to Fry] Fry, that doesn't make sense.

Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay.

Fry: Tell her she looks thin.

Dr. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?

Edna: Why yes! Thanks for noticing.

Dr. Zoidberg: [to Fry] Now what?

Fry: Ask her how her day was.

Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know that?

Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway!

Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason...

[Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm]

Fry: YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!

[after the "Frenzy" has finished]

Dr. Zoidberg: Now how am I going to get rid of my male jelly?

Fry: I'll lend you this. [Waves severed arm]

Voice on T.V.: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?

Bender: Shut up and get to the point!

Fry: My girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. And she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.

Leela: Fry, remember what we said about ending your stories a sentence earlier?

[Fry, Leela, and Bender are riding in the car with Fry behind the wheel. The car suddnenly crashes and the airbags go off.]

Bender: Uhg...I think I got whiplash.

Leela: You can't have whiplash. You don't even have a neck.

Bender: I meant Ass-whiplash.

Fry: I'm just glad we hit something, I thought we'd never stop.

[Everyone gets out of the car, and are shocked to see a robot that looks like Bender]

Flexo: Ugh...I think I got whiplash. [faints]

Fry: How's that robot I ran over?

Farnsworth: We did all we could...

Fry: You mean he's...?

Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.

[Everyone exchanges worried glances with one another. In his bedroom, Farnsworth sits on his four-post bed and the staff and Flexo gather around]

Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you

[Everyone climbs on and Farnsworth presses a button and makes the curtains around the bed close. What goes on inside is hidden from view.]

Farnsworth: Feast your eyes on this!

[Everyone gasps.]

Leela: It's beautiful!

Amy: And huge!

Fry: Can I touch it?

Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.

Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.

Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry: Flexo outranks me?

Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!

Leela: Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?

Fry: I didn't find him ten minutes ago, so I thought it was time to check again.

Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom?

Bender: I can explain: It's very valuable.

Flexo: I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.

Fry: Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked.

Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?

Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!

Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."

Bender: She is well traveled... and I don't mean she travels a lot.

Fry: Sorry, I'm not here to buy.

Car Dealer: I understand. But it's wonderful that you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.

Fry: I care! I care plenty! But I just don't know how to make them stop!

Car Dealer: One word: Thundercougarfalconbird.

Bender: Congratulations, Fry! You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she probably has got other characteristics...

Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.

Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!

[Zoidberg raises one of his mouth mandibles to protest.]

Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.

[Zoidberg drops his mouth mandible and slumps sadly.]

Amy: Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's!

Zapp Brannigan: Cheers!

"Woman": [with five o'clock shadow] Cheers!

[Later]

Sal: Anybodys else for Nutley?

[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date also leaves.]

Zapp Brannigan: Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise.

Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I -

[cut to a judge banging his gavel]

Judge: $500 and time served.

Bender: [with a gold tooth] Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man!

Fembot: Bender, honey, we love you.

Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it!

Amy: OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.

Fry: Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?

Amy: What business is it of yours?

Fry: And another thing: You're using an awful lot of make-up there.

Amy: This is deodorant.

Fry: What does it do?

Fry: Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women!

Amy: With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman.

Fry: Oh! Oh...

Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.

Fry: Can I live without it?

Zoidberg: If you call that living.

Prof. Farnsworth: I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon on your chest, to crush those who disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people.

Bender: Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender.

Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.

Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?

Leela: No, you didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!

Bender: True. But, in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?

Leela: Yeah.

Fry: I guess so.

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!

George Foreman: As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.

Rich Little (impersonating Howard Cosell): No argument here.

George Foreman: This seems as good a time as any to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth!

Hermes: [With a brain-slug attached] Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet.

Zoidberg: What are we doing to do there?

Hermes: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

[After finding out that Master Fnog is the trainer of Destructor]

Leela: Come on, Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you how to fight like a girl.

Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu...

Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!

Zoidberg: I'm going to a movie...with friends!

Billionaire Bot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces-Processor.

Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling!

Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro-wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.

Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy!

Bender: It is?

Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner.

Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely.

Announcer: You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender!

[The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding a pink phone.]

Bender: [girly voice] I'm a real toughie!

Announcer: Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!

[The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone]

Destructor: I will destroy you! [He hangs up then picks up again.] And stop calling me!

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through.

Prof. Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself.

Leela: [She sniffs her glove.] They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey.

Prof. Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go.

[The gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]

Bender: Behold... the Internet!

Fry: My God! It's full of ads!

[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]

Amy Wong: Hey! That's me!

Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.

[Leela looks inside]

Leela: Hey!

[Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]

Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.

Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.

[He hands Bender the money.]

Bender: So, how 'bout them Knicks?

Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?

Bender: [sarcastically] Is the Space Pope reptilian?

Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye... who ISN'T a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.

Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.

Fry: Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back?

Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell in the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.

Leela: Come on, Al. Can't you let the little guy out?

Alcazar: Geez, Leela! Twice in one day? I'm not Superman!

Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!

Fry: Leela, you have to get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop where I stand like an animal in the zoo.

Leela: Animals go on the corner.

Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?

Bender: [singing] I like stealing, I like taking things.

Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff?

Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela!

Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!

Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need: Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.

Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!

Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?

Bender: He's a saint!

Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you.

Alcazar: What's that?

Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?

Everyone: WOOOOO!

Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius' wiener before?

Prof. Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about!

Cubert Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about!

Prof. Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far.

Cubert: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.

Bender: That's a complete load!

Cubert: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait...that's not good news at all!

Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump?

Fry: Because you're too ugly to be a wart.

Prof. Farnsworth: [Is showing Cubert some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.

Cubert: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.

Translator Machine: Bonjour!

Prof. Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!

Prof. Farnsworth: [being escorted away by a Sunset Squad robot] Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp! Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. [the robot groans] Cruel though they may be, I- [the rather fed-up robot abruptly picks up Farnsworth and carries him away.]

Fry: Try waking him up by shocking him!

Bender: Your social security check is late! Things cost more than they used to! Young people use curse words!

Hermes: [a letter comes in on the mail tube] Great gorilla of Manilla! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy. "Attention, Hermes Conrad. You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy." [Another letter comes in] Oh, my God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!

[Hermes is threatening to jump off the Planet Express building.]

Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!

Bender: Do a flip!

Professor Farnsworth: If you're going to jump, Hermes, do something that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know!

Leela: Don't, Hermes! You have so much to live for!

Bender: I get it: reverse psychology.

Number 1.0: Don't quote regulation to me! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation is in. We kept it gray.

Number 1.0: Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!

Morgan Proctor: Naturally I have to assign someone to fill in for Hermes while he's gone. I assign me. I accept. Welcome aboard.

Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this cap?

Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all.

Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?

Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.

Fry: I'll play.

Bender: I'm in!

Hermes: Sweet something of... someplace.

Prof. Farnsworth: Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver.

Prof. Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.

Leela: Then we'll need a guide, someone who's been there before.

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times. [laughs maniacally]

Hermes: [Spoken] Requisition me a beat!

[Number 1.0 plays some music]

Hermes: [Singing]

When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,

With a foot and a half of water,

Everyone was alright but I cried all night,

It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,

And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,

Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"

I made my friends and relations file long applications,

To get into my 10th birthday party.

LaBarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro.

Hermes: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.

LaBarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.

Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing! People!

We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,

No, that's what almighty Jah made us,

We treat people like swine,

And make 'em stand in line,

Even if nobody paid us!

They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,

They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,

But when push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea.

Zoidberg!

Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.

Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.

Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]

Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Hermes: Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]

All: Jamaica!

Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!

Bureaucrats: Jamaica!

Hermes: The grade 19's!

Morgan Proctor: Jamaica.

[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]

Hermes: Sing me home!

When push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea!

[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]

Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

Prof. Farnsworth: Ah the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean, this seems the logical place for fish to congregate.

Bender: So we're in international waters?

Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed so.

Bender: [on walkie-talkie] Falcon this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested, repeat, the goose has nested.

[A speed boat pulls up and the driver and Bender exchange briefcases. Then the boat drives away.]

Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.

[Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]

Fry: I can't swallow that.

Professor Farnsworth: Well, then good news! It's a suppository.

Bender: Let's hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.

[Whilst underwater]

Zoidberg: Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?

Hermes: That's a very good question...

Bender: Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!

Hermes: ...That just raises further questions!

[Bender and Fry talk about the size of a fish they used to caught]

Leela: You're both out of your league, boys. Because right now, you're looking at a girl who owns her own harpoon.

Bender: Harpoon my ass. [snickers]

Leela: Okay. [Throws harpoon into Bender's rear end]

Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived!

Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.

Hermes: Dream on, woman! I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river, and hurl the river into space, but I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies!

Hermes: My Manwich!

Hermes: The important thing is that we don't panic! There are rules for situations like this! Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice Lobster Zoidberg. I mean, Lobster Newburg. I mean - Doctor Zoidberg.

Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? There's all kinds of weird sea creatures here in the future, like Dr. Zoidberg!

Prof. Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository...

Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness or I'm drunk or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.

Leela: [whispers to Farnsworth] Ocean madness.

[Fry storms out]

Prof. Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

Bender: Ahoy, mateys. I shanghaied us some hearthy grog. [he tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water] Arrgh, the laws of science be a harsh mistress.

Leela': Ah, the sun, the sea air, good friends...

Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. What do we say we make it interesting? Everyone kick in five bucks.

[they all give Bender five bucks; he pockets the money]

Bender: Now, wasn't that interesting?

Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean. Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, that they moved offshore, becoming an island, and an even bigger delta hub. Until the city overdeveloped, and began to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away. Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the man who invented Coca Cola, the magician, and the other gods of our legends. Though gods they were - and also, Jane Fonda was there - the others chose to stay behind in their porches with their rifles, and in time evolved into mermaids, and sing and dance, and ring in the new...

Prof. Farnsworth: Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure!

Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?

Prof. Farnsworth: Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere between zero and one.

Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!

Don-Bot: File not found.

Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. (gives Joey and Clamps each a tank of gasoline) Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.

Bender: (With Brooklyn Accent) Uh, Donnie, baby. Youse guys skedaddle. Let me handle the doity wok.

Don-bot: Blotto, I like your style, and your latest accent.

Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar! Aww, this is the greatest nanosecond of my life! No, this one is! No, this one. Wait! That one was... slightly worse. Ah! So far so good on this one!

Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.

Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.

Dr. Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated.

[The ship takes off, damaging the roof.]

Hermes: [to Zoidberg] That's coming out of your pay!

[Zoidberg cries.]

Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen! Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!

Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!

Bender: Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?

Greeting Card: No! The kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires!

Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!

Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.

Prof. Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.

Hermes: Help! My stapler is collating me alive!

Amy: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?

Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.

Hermes: Impossible!

Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.

Leela: Never heard of it.

Prof. Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."

Hermes: Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz?

Prof. Farnsworth: Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.

Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.

Prof. Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall!

Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! - Walt! How are we disposing of those crap gifts they brought me?

Walt: They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.

Mom: False hope! I love it!

Greeting Card: Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression.

Greeting Card: The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.

Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers.

Prof. Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter?

Mom: You should see the new 16-foot models.

Prof. Farnsworth: 16 feet?! Go to hell!

Leela: Great, we're two days from Earth with no food!

Bender: Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser! [To Leela.] Work his gut, I like it tender.

Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having it!

Fry: Let's bring back a few pocketfuls.

Bender: Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful.

Leela: No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship.

Poppler Song:

Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's

What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows

You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em

If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.

Professor Farnsworth: Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!

Free Waterfall Jr.: Pssh! You can't own property, man!

Professor Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie!

Free Waterfall Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.

[Bender throws a brick at him]

Free Waterfall Jr.: Ow!

Bender: Okay, we won't eat you.

Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.

Linda: Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela.

Fry: "Turanga"?

Amy: That's her name, Philip.

Bender: "Philip"?

Farnsworth: My God, they're back! We're doomed!

Amy: Doomed!

Bender: [Deep inhale] DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Zapp Brannigan: I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.

Leela: Go consummate yourself.

Bender: Who wants some dolphin?

Amy: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent!

Bender: Not this one. He blew his life savings on lottery tickets.

Bender: [holding his hand out to Fry] Put 'er there, pal. [Fry shakes his hand] I meant, your wallet.

Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?

[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]

Fry: Gotcha!

Amy: Sucker!

Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me!

Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!

Fry: Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came.

Bender: I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I. [closes his eyes and dies]

Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me!

Leela: Oh God, what have I done?

Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!

Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!

Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.

Leela: You're blackmailing me?

Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word; I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool.

Leela: Who are you?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

Leela: I've never seen you before.

Scruffy: And I've never seen you before neither.

Zoidberg: My first clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. The next clue came 3 hours later at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse!

Fry: What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?

Dr. Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. Whatever.

[Fry and the group of nerds find themselves nowhere after destroying the universe]

Stephen Hawking: Great. The universe was destroyed.

Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?

Al Gore: I don't know, but I dang well know where we're not: the universe.

Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.

Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!

Henry Kissinger's Head: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.

Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp Brannigan: If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?

Kif: Ugh... sexlexia.

Zapp Brannigan: Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it as scotch on the rocks.

Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?

Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]

Fry: [To Bender] Wait, If you say the A-word, this planet will blow straight up to the H-word.

Richard Nixon's Head: Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger's Head: How are you?

Bender: Is he any good?

Richard Nixon's Head: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.

Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.

Zapp Brannigan: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

Kif Kroker: Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan: Wrong. Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan: Oh, god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.

Leela: Let's do it again sometime.

Fry: [On a bouncing ball.] At last, war has made me into a man... Wee!

Robot Villager #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.

Robot Villager #2: For example, all of us say that.

Prof. Farnsworth: Pfft! Supersticious robot mumbo-jumbo!

Robot Villager #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.

Will Reader: To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune.

Tandy: [whispers to girlfriend] Is that a lot?

Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!

[The Professor moves his drink in front of the painting. The painting's eyes follow it]

Prof. Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.

Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...

Prof. Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.

Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious!

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.

Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you think I put on this tough guy facade?

Bender: And until then, I can never die?

Gypsy-Bot: Who said that? SURE you can die! [Pulls out big gun.] You want to die?!

Bender: No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don't own!

[Leela welds Bender to the wall of his apartment.]

Leela: There, no rampaging for you tonight.

Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?

Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.

Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.

Leela: Well, good night. I'm gonna make all my meals for the next month and freeze them.

Fry: [upon seeing Bender in his were-car form about to kill Leela.] You jerk! I thought I was your best friend! What kind of two timing killmobile are you?

Fry: I can't believe this. Bender's supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second degree murder me.

Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.

Fry: Stop rubbing it in!

Calculon: I was all of history's great robot actors: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny!

Fry: Nightrider wasn't evil!

Calculon: No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show...

Michelle: Fry? Is it really you?

Fry: I don't know. Is it really you?

Michelle: What do you mean you don't know? Are you you or not?

Fry: Who wants to know?

Michelle: Oh Fry, it is you!

Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

Michelle: Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?

Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future.

Amy: I'm from Mars.

Leela: We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans.

Fry: Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.

Fry: What's deathrolling?

Black Child: It's like skateboarding.

Punk Kid: But half the time someone dies.

Fry: Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.

Michelle: My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong.

Fry: Beth said that?

Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.

Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.

Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything!

Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry!

Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?

Farnsworth: You wish! You're in Los-Angeles!

Fry: But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.

Leela: Exactly, you're in L.A.

Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.

Bender: That's L.A. for you.

Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.

Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.

Fry: And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it.


	29. Chapter 29 SUPER THRONE 24 DEAD

SUPER THRONE 24 DEAD

Valar Dohaeris [3.01][edit]

[Jon is brought into Mance Rayder's Wildling camp by Ygritte and Rattleshirt; he observes the Wildlings, then sees a Giant carrying mammoth tusks and is amazed]

Ygritte: (grins) First time you've seen a giant, Jon Snow? (Jon nods, still staring at the giant) Well, don't stare too long. They're shy- but when they stop being shy, they get angry. And when they're angry, I've seen them pound a man straight into the ground like a hammer on a nail. (she walks past, Jon follows; the Wildling children begin shouting "Crow!" at Jon and occasionallly throwing pebbles at him) You're wearing the wrong color.

Jon Snow: Mance was a Ranger.

Ygritte: In your hearts, all you Crows want to fly free.

Jon Snow: When I'm free, will I be free to go? (two more children run at him yelling "Crow" and throw their stones)

Ygritte: Sure you will! (knocks down the children with her spear, then turns to smile at Jon) And I'll be free to kill you. (they keep walking) Got no respect, this lot- got no fathers to slap 'em when they're foul.

Jon Snow: What happened to their fathers?

Ygritte: Some of 'em were killed by Crows like you. Don't look so glum, Jon Snow- if Mance Rayder likes you, you'll live another day. And if he don't... (grins at him again)

Tormund Giantsbane: (eating chicken as Jon is brought into Mance Rayder's tent by Ygritte and Rattleshirt) I smell a Crow.

Rattleshirt: We killed his friends- thought you'd want to question this one.

Tormund Giantsbane: What do we want with a baby Crow?

Ygritte: This baby killed Qhorin Halfhand. (pause, Tormund turns to look at Jon) He wants to be one of us.

Tormund Giantsbane: (stands up and steps towards Jon) That halfhanded cunt killed friends of mine- friends twice your size.

Jon Snow: My father taught me big men fall just as quick as little ones if you put a sword through their hearts. (in the corner of the tent, Mance glances over, interested)

Tormund Giantsbane: Plenty of little men tried to put their swords through my heart. And there's plenty of little skeletons buried in the woods. What's your name, boy?

Jon Snow: Jon Snow... Your Grace. (he kneels, thinking Tormund is the King-Beyond-the-Wall; after a pause, all the Wildlings in the tent burst out laughing)

Tormund Giantsbane: "Your Grace?" Do you hear that? From now on, you'd better kneel every time I fart.

Mance Rayder: (comes forward) Stand, boy- we don't kneel for anyone beyond the Wall. (studies Jon) So- you're Ned Stark's Bastard? Thank you for the gift, Lord of Bones- you can leave us. (Rattleshirt leaves, followed more slowly by Ygritte) The girl likes you. You like her back, Snow? That why you want to join us?

Tormund Giantsbane: Don't panic, boy- this isn't the damp Night's Watch where we make you swear off girls.

Mance Rayder: This chicken-eater you thought was King is Tormund Giantsbane.

Tormund Giantsbane: (walks around Jon) Can't believe this... pup killed Halfhand.

Mance Rayder: He was our enemy, and I'm glad he's dead... (offers his hand, Jon shakes it) But he was my Brother, once. Back when he had a whole hand. What were you doin' with him?

Jon Snow: The Lord Commander sent me to the Halfhand, for seasoning.

Mance Rayder: Why?

Jon Snow: He wants me to lead one day-

Mance Rayder: But here you are, a traitor, kneeling before the King-Beyond-the-Wall.

Jon Snow: If I'm a traitor... then you are, too. (Mance's bodyguard, Fellback, looks up angrily. Mance pauses, then steps closer)

Mance Rayder:...Why do you want to join us, Jon Snow?

Jon Snow:...I want to be free.

Mance Rayder: (smiles coldly) No- I don't think so. I think what you want, most of all, is to be a hero. (Fellback stands up, brandishing his battleaxe; he and Tormund both step closer to Jon) I'll ask you one last time- why do you want to join us?

Jon Snow:...We stopped at Craster's Keep on the way north. I saw...

Mance Rayder: You saw what?

Jon Snow:...I saw Craster take his own baby boy, and leave it in the woods. I saw what took it. (pause, Mance stares at him)

Mance Rayder: You're telling me you saw... one of Them. And why would that make you desert your Brothers?

Jon Snow: Because, when I told the Lord Commander... he already knew. (pause) Thousands of years ago, the First Men battled the White Walkers and defeated them. I want to fight for the side that fights for the living. (pause) Did I come to the right place?

Mance Rayder:...We'll need to find you a new cloak.

Jorah Mormont: (observing Dany's dragons catching fish)...They're growing fast.

Daenerys Targaryen: Not fast enough. I can't wait that long.(pause) I need an army.

Jorah Mormont: We'll be in Astapor by nightfall. Some say the Unsullied are the greatest soldiers in the world-

Daenerys Targaryen: (turns to face him) The greatest slave-soldiers in the world. The distinction means a good deal to some people-

Jorah Mormont: Do those people have any better ideas about how to put you on the Iron Throne?

Daenerys Targaryen:...It's too beautiful of a day, to argue. (one of her Dothraki followers vomits)

Jorah Mormont:...You're right. Another lovely day on the high seas-

Daenerys Targaryen: Don't mock them. They're the first Dothraki who've ever been on a ship- they followed me across the Poison Water! If they'll do it, others will, and with a true Khalasar-

Jorah Mormont: The Dothraki follow strength above all, Khaleesi. You'll have a true Khalasar when you prove yourself strong- and not before.

Bronn: As much as I appreciate the walk in the sunshine, your Lordship, I am wondering why you sent for me.

Tyrion Lannister: A number of people in this city want me killed- you're here to protect me.

Bronn: I've been doing that for a while, now.

Tyrion Lannister: Have you grown bored protecting me?

Bronn: I grow poor protecting you.

Tyrion Lannister: (scoffs) Poor? Under my patronage, you've become a knight, you've served as commander of the City Watch-

Bronn: Briefly.

Tyrion Lannister: (rolls his eyes) I'm sure you've filled your pockets.

Bronn: (shrugs) And now, my pockets are empty. You've given me a taste for the finer things- and, if you want me to carry on protecting you, you'll have to pay more.

Tyrion Lannister: I thought we were friends.

Bronn: We are- but I'm a sellsword. I sell my sword- I don't loan it out to friends as a favor.

Tyrion Lannister: (giving in) How much?

Bronn: Double.

Tyrion Lannister: Double?!

Bronn: I'm a knight, now- knights are worth double.

Tyrion Lannister: I don't even know what I'm paying you now!

Bronn: Which means you can afford it.

Tyrion Lannister: The badge looks good on you. Almost as good as it looked on me. [Tywin doesn't answer] Are you enjoying your new position?

Tywin Lannister: Am I enjoying it?

Tyrion Lannister: I was very happy as Hand of the King.

Tywin Lannister: Yes. I heard how happy you were. You brought a whore into my bed.

Tyrion Lannister: It wasn't your bed at the time.

Tywin Lannister: I sent you here to advise the king. I gave you real power and authority. You chose to spend your days as you always have: bedding harlots and drinking with thieves.

Tyrion Lannister: Occasionally I drank with the harlots.

Tywin Lannister: What do you want, Tyrion?

Tyrion Lannister: Why does everyone assume I want something? Can't I simply visit with my beloved father? My beloved father who somehow forgot to visit his wounded son after he fell on the battlefield.

Tywin Lannister: Maester Pycelle assured me your wounds were not fatal.

Tyrion Lannister: I organized the defense of this city while you held court in the ruins of Harrenhal. I led the foray when the enemies were at the gate while your grandson, the king, quivered in fear behind the walls. I bled in the mud for our family. And as my reward, I was trundled off to some dark little cell. But what do I want? A little bloody gratitude would be a start.

Tywin Lannister: Jugglers and singers require applause. You are a Lannister. Do you think I demanded a garland of roses every time I suffered a wound on a battlefield? Hmm? Now, I have seven kingdoms to look after and three of them are in open rebellion. So tell me what you want.

Tyrion Lannister: I want what is mine by right. Jaime is your eldest son, heir to your lands and titles. But he is a Kingsguard, forbidden from marriage or inheritance. The day Jaime put on the white cloak, he gave up his claim to Casterly Rock. I am your son and lawful heir.

Tywin Lannister: You want Casterly Rock?

Tyrion Lannister: It is mine by right.

Tywin Lannister: We'll find you accommodations more suited to your name and as a reward for your accomplishments during the battle of Blackwater Bay. And when the time is right, you will be given a position fit for your talents so that you can serve your family and protect our legacy. And if you serve faithfully, you will be rewarded with a suitable wife. And I would let myself be consumed by maggots before mocking the family name and making you heir to Casterly Rock.

Tyrion Lannister: Why?

Tywin Lannister: Why? You ask that? You, who killed your mother to come into the world? You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature full of envy, lust, and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about wearing that proud lion that was my father's sigil and his father's before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to let you turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse. Go, now. Speak no more of your rights to Casterly Rock. Go. [Tyrion walks away] Oh, one more thing. The next whore I catch in your bed, I'll hang.

Davos Seaworth: Your Grace, you are the rightful king. Not only by blood. You're an honorable man, a just man. And there is still a war to fight.

Stannis Baratheon: I am fighting.

Davos Seaworth: By burning prisoners alive?

Melissandre: How would you punish the infidels, Ser Davos?

Davos Seaworth: I do not judge people for the gods they worship. If I did, I'd have thrown you in the sea before you ever set foot on Dragonstone.

Melissandre: I'm not your enemy.

Davos Seaworth: You are my enemy.

Melissandre: Was it me you fought on Blackwater Bay? Did I set your ships ablaze? I wasn't there when the wildfire killed our men by the thousands. I could have saved those men. You would have taken the city, Stannis would now sit upon his rightful throne, and you would stand beside him. But I wasn't there because you convinced your king to leave me behind. Do you hear them screaming? All those burning men in the water crying for their mothers, for their gods for help? Until the moment the Blackwater swallowed them. Don't despair, Ser Davos. What I told your son is true. Death by fire is the purest death.

[Davos pulls out a knife and tries to stab Melissandre, but is restrained by the guards.

Davos Seaworth: This woman is evil! She's the mother of demons.

Stannis Baratheon: Take him to the dungeon and lock him in a cell.

Davos Seaworth: Your Grace!

Melissandre: You've chosen the darkness, Ser Davos.

Davos Seaworth [to Stannis] She will destroy us all!

Melissandre: I will pray for you.

Joffrey Baratheon: I do apologize, my lady. Small council meetings. At what point does it become treason to waste the king's time? That's a lovely gown, my lady.

Cersei Lannister: Yes, it suits you perfectly. I imagine you might be rather cold.

Margaery Tyrell: The climate is a bit more forgiving back in Highgarden, Your Grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: Shall I have them bring you a shawl, my lady?

Margaery Tyrell: I am touched by your concern, Your Grace. Luckily for us Tyrells, our blood runs quite warm. Doesn't it, Loras?

Loras Tyrell: Yes.

Margaery Tyrell: Loras, isn't the queen's gown magnificent? The fabric, the embroidery, the metalwork. I've never seen anything like it.

Cersei Lannister: You might find a bit of armor quite useful once you become queen. Perhaps before. Joffrey tells me you stopped your carriage at Flea Bottom on your way back from the sept this morning.

Margaery Tyrell: Yes. I paid a visit to an orphanage the High Septon told me about.

Loras Tyrell: Margaery does a great deal of work with the poor back in Highgarden. The lowest among us are no different from the highest if you give them a chance and approach them with an open heart.

Cersei Lannister: An open heart is what you'll get in Flea Bottom if you're not careful, my dear. Not long ago, we were attacked by a mob there. We had a full complement of guards that didn't stop them. The king barely escaped with his life.

Joffrey Baratheon: My mother's always had a penchant for drama. Facts become less and less important to her as she grows older. Our lives were never truly in danger.

Cersei Lannister: You're right, of course. But you are your father's son. We can't all have a king's bravery.

Margaery Tyrell: Hunger turns men into beasts. I'm glad House Tyrell has been able to help in this regard. They tell me 100 wagons arrive daily now from the Reach. Wheat, barley, apples. We've had a blessed harvest. And, of course, it's our duty to assist the capital in time of need.

Joffrey Baratheon: Well, as Ser Loras said, Lady Margaery has done this sort of... charitable work before. I'm sure she knows what she's doing.

Cersei Lannister: I'm sure she does.

[Missandei translates Kraznys, who cannot speak the Common Tongue, explanation of Unsullied's training to Daenerys]

Missandei: They begin their training at five. Every day they drill from dawn to dusk until they have mastered the shortsword, the shield, and the three spears. Only one boy in four survives this rigorous training. Their discipline and loyalty are absolute. They fear nothing.

Jorah Mormont: Even the bravest men fear death.

Missandei: [in High Valyrian] The knight says even brave men fear death.

Kraznys mo Nakloz: [in High Valyrian] Tell the old man he smells like piss.

Missandei: [pauses] [in High Valyrian] Truly, Master?

Kraznys mo Nakloz: [in High Valyrian No, not truly. Are you a girl or a goat to ask such a thing?

Missandei: [in the Common Tongue] My master says the Unsullied are not men. Death means nothing to them.

Kraznys mo Nakloz: in High Valyrian] Tell this ignorant whore of a Westerner to open her eyes and watch.

Missandei: He begs you attend to this carefully, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen: Tell the good master there is no need.

Kraznys: [in High Valyrian] She's worried about their nipples. Does the dumb bitch know we've cut off their balls? [cuts off the nipple of one of the Unsullied, who doesn't even flinch]

Missandei: My master points out that men don't need nipples.

Kraznys: [in High Valyrian] Here, I'm done with you.

Unsullied soldier: [in High Valyrian] This one is pleased to have served you.

Missandei: To win his shield, an Unsullied must go to the slave marts with a silver mark, find a newborn and kill it before its mother's eyes. This way, my master says, we make certain there is no weakness left in them.

Daenerys Targaryen: You take a babe from its mother's arms, kill it as she watches, and pay for her pain with a silver coin?

Missendei: [in High Valyrian] She is offended. She asks if you pay a silver coin to the mother, for her dead baby.

Kraznys: [in High Valyrian] What a soft mewling fool this one is.

Missandei: My master would like you to know that the silver is paid to the baby's owner, not the mother.

Daenerys Targaryen: How many do you have to sell?

[Kraznys holds up eight fingers]

Daenerys Targaryen: 8,000.

Kraznys: [in High Valyrian] Tell the Westerosi whore she has until tomorrow.

Missandei: Master Kraznys asks that you please hurry. Many other buyers are interested.

[Ser Barristan Selmy has just saved Dany from a poisonous manticore; the girl who set it on her hisses, showing blue gums, and disappears]

Daenerys Targaryen: The Warlocks (looks at Ser Jorah Mormont, then to Selmy) I owe you my life, Ser.

Barristan Selmy: (removes his hood) The honor is mine, my Queen. (Jorah recognizes him and stiffens)

Daenerys Targaryen: (looks at Jorah) Do you know this man?

Jorah Mormont:(nods)...I know him. As one of the greatest fighters the Seven Kingdoms has ever seen... and as the Lord Commander of Robert Baratheon's Kingsguard. (Dany looks quickly between Jorah and Ser Barristan)

Ser Barristan Selmy: (walks up to them) King Robert is dead. I have been searching for you, Daenerys Stormborn, to ask your forgiveness. I was sworn to protect your family...I failed them. (he kneels before her) I am Barristan Selmy, Kingsguard to your father. Allow me to join your Queensguard, and I will not fail you again.

Dark Wings, Dark Words [3.02][edit]

Jaime Lannister: You know, it doesn't matter how loyal a servant you are, no one enjoys the company of a humorless mute. Trust me on this. People have been serving me since I was born. You think Lady Stark is going to want a giant towheaded plank following her around for the rest of her life? A week's journey with you and she'll order you to fall on your sword.

Brienne: If Lady Stark is unhappy with any aspect of my service, I'm sure she'll let me know. She's an honest woman.

Jaime Lannister: For all the good it's done her. How did you come into Lady Stark's service? There's something we can talk about.

Brienne: Not your concern, Kingslayer.

Jaime Lannister: It had to be recently. You weren't with her at Winterfell.

Brienne: How would you know?

Jaime Lannister: Because I visited Winterfell. I would have noticed your dour head smacking into the archways.

Brienne: Move.

Jaime Lannister: Were you pledged to Stannis?

Brienne: [disgustedly] Gods, no.

Jaime Lannister: Ah, Renly. Really? He wasn't fit to rule over anything more important than a 12-course meal.

Brienne: Shut your mouth.

Jaime Lannister: Why? I lived with him at court since he was a boy, don't forget. Could hardly escape the little tulip skipping down the corridors in his embroidered silks. I knew him far better than you.

Brienne: I knew him as well as anyone. As a member of his Kingsguard, he trusted me with everything. He would have been a wonderful king.

Jaime Lannister: Sounds like you quite fancied him.

Brienne: I did not fancy him.

Jaime Lannister: Oh, gods, you did. Did you ever tell him? No, of course not. You weren't Renly's type, I'm afraid. He preferred curly-haired little girls like Loras Tyrell. You're far too much man for him.

Brienne: I'm not interested in foul rumors.

Jaime Lannister: Unless they're about me. It's all true about Renly. His proclivities were the worst kept secret at court. It's a shame the throne isn't made out of cocks. They'd have never got him off it.

Brienne: [grabs Jaime by his hair] Shut your mouth!

Jaime Lannister: I don't blame him. And I don't blame you, either. We don't get to choose who we love.

Margaery Tyrell: Lady Sansa, it is my honor to present my grandmother... the Lady Olenna of House Tyrell.

Olenna Tyrell Kiss me, child. [Sansa does so] It's so good of you to visit me and my foolish flock of hens. We're very sorry for your losses.

Sansa Stark: And I was sorry when I heard of Lord Renly's death, Lady Margaery. He was very gallant.

Olenna Tyrell: Gallant, yes. And charming and very clean. He knew how to dress and smile and somehow this gave him the notion he was fit to be king.

Margaery Tyrell: Renly was brave and gentle, Grandmother. Father liked him and so did Loras.

Olenna Tyrell Loras is young and very good at knocking men off horses with a stick. That does not make him wise. As to your fathead father-

Margaery Tyrell: Grandmother! What will Sansa think of us?

Olenna Tyrell: She might think we have some wits about us. One of us, at any rate. It was treason. I warned them. Robert has two sons and Renly has an older brother. How could he possibly have any claim to that ugly iron chair? We should have stayed well out of all this if you ask me. But once the cow's been milked, there's no squirting the cream back up her udders. So here we are to see things through.

Olenna Tyrell: Here, Sansa, come sit with me. I'm much less boring than these others. Do you know my son? The Lord of Highgarden?

Sansa Stark: I haven't had the pleasure.

Olenna Tyrell: No great pleasure, believe me. A ponderous oaf. His father was an oaf as well. My husband, the late Lord Luthor. He managed to ride off a cliff whilst hawking. They say he was looking up at the sky and paying no mind to where his horse was taking him. And now my son is doing the same, only this time he's riding a lion instead of a horse. Now... I want you to tell me the truth about this royal boy, this Joffrey.

Sansa Stark: I... I...

Olenna Tyrell: You, you. Who else would know better? We've heard some troubling tales. Is there any truth to them? Has this boy mistreated you? [Sansa remains silent] Has he ripped out your tongue?

Sansa Stark: Joff- King Joffrey, he- His Grace is very fair and handsome and as brave as a lion.

Olenna Tyrell: Yes, all Lannisters are lions. And when a Tyrell farts, it smells like a rose. But how kind is he? How clever? Has he a good heart, a gentle hand?

Margaery Tyrell: I'm to be his wife. I only want to know what that means.

Olenna Tyrell: [to a servant] Bring me some cheese.

Servant: The cheese will be served after the cakes, my lady.

Olenna Tyrell: The cheese will be served when I want it served. And I want it served now. [to Sansa] Are you frightened, child? No need for that. We're only women here. Tell us the truth. No harm will come to you.

Sansa Stark: My father always told the truth.

Olenna Tyrell: Yes, he had that reputation. And they named him traitor and took his head.

Sansa Stark: Joffrey. Joffrey did that. He promised he would be merciful and he cut my father's head off. And he said that was mercy. Then he took me up on the walls and made me look at it.

Margaery Tyrell: Go on.

Sansa Stark: I- I can't. I never meant- my father was a traitor. My brother as well. I have traitor's blood. Please don't make me say anymore.

Margaery Tyrell: She's terrified, Grandmother. Just look at her.

Olenna Tyrell: Speak freely, child. We would never betray your confidence, I swear it.

Sansa Stark: He's a monster.

Olenna Tyrell: Ah. That's a pity.

Sansa Stark: Please, don't stop the wedding.

Olenna Tyrell: Have no fear. The Lord Oaf of Highgarden is determined that Margaery shall be queen. Even so, we thank you for the truth. Ah, here comes my cheese.

Queen Talisa: [observing the prayer wheel Catelyn is making] May I help you, Lady Stark?

Catelyn Stark: [sharply] No.

Queen Talisa: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-

Catelyn Stark: You can't help because a mother makes one for her children to protect them. Only a mother can make them.

Queen Talisa: You've made them before?

Catelyn Stark: Twice.

Queen Talisa: Did they work?

Catelyn Stark: After a fashion. I prayed for my son Bran to survive his fall. Many years before that, one of the boys came down with the pox. Maester Luwin said if he made it through the night, he'd live. But it would be a very long night. So I sat with him all through the darkness, listened to his ragged little breaths, his coughing, his whimpering.

Queen Talisa: Which boy?

Catelyn Stark: Jon Snow. When my husband brought that baby home from the war, I couldn't bear to look at him, didn't want to see those brown stranger's eyes staring at me. So I prayed to the gods "Take him away, make him die". He got the pox and I knew I was the worst woman who ever lived. A murderer. I'd condemned this poor, innocent child to a horrible death all because I was jealous of his mother, a woman he didn't even know! So I prayed to all Seven Gods "Let the boy live. Let him live and I'll love him. I'll be a mother to him. I'll beg my husband to give him a true name, to call him Stark and be done with it, to make him one of us".

Queen Talisa: And he lived?

Catelyn Stark: And he lived. And I couldn't keep my promise. And everything that's happened since then, all this horror that's come to my family...it's all because I couldn't love a motherless child.

Mance Rayder: Was it hard for you to kill the Halfhand?

Jon Snow: ...Yes.

Mance Rayder: You liked him? (Jon nods) I like you- but if you're playin' us false, it won't be hard for me to kill you. I've got Wildling blood in my veins- these are my people.

Jon Snow: I understand-

Mance Rayder: Well, how could you understand?

Jon Snow: You want to protect your people.

Mance Rayder:...D'you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots, the Hornfoots hate the Ice-River Clans, everyone hates the Cave People. So- d'you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?

Jon Snow: No.

Mance Rayder: I told them we were all going to die if we didn't get south. Because that's the truth.

Osha: Isn't he ashamed, your brother, needing you to protect him?

Meera Reed: Where's the shame in that?

Osha: Any boy his age who needs his sister to protect him is gonna find himself needing lots of protecting.

Meera Reed: Some people will always need help. That doesn't mean they're not worth helping.

Walk of Punishment [3.03][edit]

Edmure Tully: If I may, nephew, I encountered a situation with one of my lieutenants at the Stone Mill which may have some bearing-

Brynden Tully: Why don't you shut your mouth about that damned mill? And don't call him "nephew." He is your king.

Edmure Tully: Robb knows I meant him no disr-

Brynden Tully: You're lucky I'm not your king. I wouldn't let you wave your blunders around like a victory flag.

Edmure Tully: My blunder sent Tywin's mad dog scurrying back to Casterly Rock with his tail between his legs. I think King Robb understands we're not gonna win this war if he's the only one winning any battles. No, there's glory enough to go around.

Robb Stark: It's not about glory. Your instructions were to wait for him to come to you.

Edmure Tully: I seized an opportunity.

Robb Stark: What value was the mill?

Edmure Tully: The Mountain was garrisoned across the river from it.

Robb Stark: Is he there now?

Edmure Tully: Of course not. We took the fight to him. He could not withstand us.

Robb Stark: I wanted to draw the Mountain into the west, into our country where we could surround him and kill him. I wanted him to chase us, which he would have done because he is a mad dog without a strategic thought in his head. I could have that head on a spike by now. Instead, I have a mill.

Edmure Tully: We took hostages. Willem Lannister. Martyn Lannister.

Robb Stark: Willem and Martyn Lannister are 14 years old.

Brynden Tully:'Martyn is 15, I believe.

Robb Stark: Tywin Lannister has my sisters. Have I sued for peace?

Edmure Tully: No.

Robb Stark: Do you think he'll sue for peace because we have his... [pauses as he does the maths] Father's brother's great-grandsons?

Edmure Tully: No.

Robb Stark: How many men did you lose?

Edmure Tully: 208. But for every man we lost, the Lannisters-

Robb Stark: We need our men more than Tywin needs his!

Edmure Tully: I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Robb Stark: You would have. Right here today at this gathering if you had been patient.

Brynden Tully: We seem to be running short of patience here.

Robb Stark: You know who isn't? Tywin Lannister.

[At a Small Council meeting]

Tywin Lannister: What news of Jaime? [All the others remain silent] Twenty thousand unwashed Northerners have known about his escape for weeks. Collectively, you control more spies and informants than the rest of the world combined. Do you mean to tell me that none of you has any notion where he is?

Varys: We are trying, my lord-

Tywin Lannister: Try harder! What do we have then?

Varys: Robb Stark and most of his bannermen are in Riverrun for the funeral of his grandfather, Lord Hoster Tully. In Stark's absence, Roose Bolton holds Harrenhal...[Varys smirks at Littlefinger] which would make him Lord of Harrenhal, in practice if not in name-

Tywin Lannister: Let him have it; the name suits our purposes far more than that useless pile of rubble. The Lord of Harrenhal will make a worthy suitor for the widow Arryn.

Littlefinger: For which I am extremely grateful to you, my lord. Lady Arryn and I have known each other since we were children; she has always been...positively predisposed towards me.

Grand Maester Pycelle: A successful courtship would make Lord Baelish Acting Lord of the Vale.

Littlefinger: Titles do seem to breed titles.

Tywin Lannister: You'll leave for the Eyrie as soon as possible and bring Lysa Arryn into the fold, then the Young Wolf can add his own aunt to the list of people who've taken up arms against him!

Tyrion Lannister: Far be it from me to hinder true love, but Lord Baelish's absence would present certain problems. The royal wedding may end up being the most expensive event in living memory. Summer had ended, hard days lie ahead, not a good time to leave the crown's finances unattended.

Tywin Lannister: Fully agreed, which is why I am naming you Master of Coin. [Cersei sniggers]

Tyrion Lannister: Master of Coin?!

Tywin Lannister: It would appear to be a position that best suits your...talents.

Tyrion Lannister: I'm quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn't taught me about managing it!

Cersei Lannister: [sarcastic] I have no doubt you will prove equal to this challenge.

Grand Maester Pycelle: [also sarcastic] Hear, hear!

Tyrion Lannister: A surprising place to keep the Royal Ledgers.

Petyr Baelish: I'm surprised you're surprised. This is the safest place in the city.

Tyrion Lannister: Not for bastards (Baelish glares at him momentarily)

Ros: That's all of them, m'Lord. (passes the ledgers to Podrick, smiling at him flirtatiously)

Tyrion Lannister: Thank you, my dear. Pod- (notices Podrick is staring at Ros' bosom) Pod. (Podrick turns to him) Take them outside. I'll be there in a moment.

Podrick Payne: Yes, m'Lord. (he leaves; Ros follows, smiling back at Tyrion and Petyr, who both watch her go)

Petyr Baelish: I hear you owe that boy a... significant debt.

Tyrion Lannister: Only my life- not all that significant, I'm afraid.

Petyrn Baelish: You should have him knighted.

Tyrion Lannister: (sarcastically) Ohh, if only the Master of Coin had such power!

Petyr Baelish: If only. (pause) I owe you a significant debt. Our redheaded friend (gestures in the general direction of Ros' departure)... you secured her release when the Queen detained her.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh- that. Of course. A simple misunderstanding.

Petyr Baelish: (smiles dangerously) Apparently, Her Grace believed the two of you had some sort of...special relationship.

Tyrion Lannister: We don't. (pause) I did fuck her, once.

Petyr Baelish: I know.

Tyrion Lannister: (confused) But- we dont.

Petyr Baelish: (chuckles) I know- but how would the Queen get that idea?

Tyrion Lannister: (smirks) Why don't you ask her? (he heads towards the door, followed by Baelish) Any advice for me, on my new position?

Petyr Baelish:...Keep a low profile?

Tyrion Lannister: If I had a golden dragon for every time I've heard that stupid joke, I'd be richer than you are.

Petyr Baelish: Well, you are richer than I am.

Tyrion Lannister:(nods) Good point.

Petyr Baelish: They're only numbers- numbers on paper. Once you understand them, it's easy to make them behave. Trivial, even. You want a real challenge? (pulls the door open a crack, letting in the sounds of prostitutes giggling.) Try whores.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles) I've tried quite a few. Well, lots of work to do. (cryptically) Enjoy the Eyrie.

[Melisandre is preparing to depart Dragonstone]

Stannis Baratheon: You refuse to tell me where you're going?

Melisandre: I don't know yet. The fires will show me.

Stannis Baratheon: How long will you be gone?

Melisandre: [exasperated] I don't know! [Stannis grabs her]

Stannis Baratheon: You're abandoning me!

Melisandre: I will never abandon you. You are the Son of Fire; I am sworn to serve you!

Stannis Baratheon: Then serve me now.

Melisandre: When I return you will understand.

Stannis Baratheon: My enemies think they've destroyed me. They're laughing at me, the way Renly laughed at me. I want Joffrey dead. I want Robb Stark dead. Make me another 'son'.

Melisandre: I cannot.

Stannis Baratheon: Why?!

Melisandre: You don't have the strength. It would kill you.

Stannis Baratheon: I'm not so easily killed; men have been trying for years. I want you.

Melisandre: Your fires burn low, my king. [Stannis turns to leave] There is another way, a better way.

Stannis Baratheon: You told me your magic requires a king's blood.

Melisandre: Yes.

Stannis Baratheon: I am the one true king!

Melisandre: You are. But there are others with your blood in their veins. You will sit on the Iron Throne, but first there must be sacrifices. The Lord of Light demands it.

Catelyn Stark: (staring out the window of Riverrun) A person could almost be forgiven, for forgetting we're at war.

Brynden Tully: ...It often comforts me to remember, that even in war's darkest days, in most places in the world there's nothing going on.

Catelyn Stark: (glances at him, smiles) I've missed you, Uncle. Father missed you, too- from the day you left- maybe he never said it in so many words-

Brynden Tully: Maybe? Your father was a stubborn old ox. I was surprised when he died- didn't think death had the patience.

Catelyn Stark:...I'm glad you were with him. I wish to the Gods that I had been. (pause) Did you make peace, in the end?

Brynden Tully: (awkwardly) After thirty years of fighting, I... I think he'd forgotten what started it! He asked me to stop calling myself "Blackfish". Said it was an old joke, and it was never funny to begin with. (chuckles) I told him, "People have been calling me 'Blackfish' for so long, I don't remember my real name!"

Catelyn Stark: (smiles, looks out the window) Every time he left for the Capitol, or to fight in a campaign, I'd see him off. "Wait for me, Little Cat" he'd say, "Wait for me- and I'll come back to you." (starts to tear up) And I would sit at this window every day when the sun came up, waiting. (starts to cry) I wonder- how many times did Bran and Rickon stare across the moors of Winterfell, waiting for me to return?! (sobbing) I will never see them again! (Brynden sits across from her and hugs her)

Brynden Tully: You musn't think it. We don't know it- they could be in hiding- (Catelyn gives him a look, and he stops) Robb believes they're alive. And, he must go on believing. (looks her in the eye) He's got to remain strong if he's going to prevail, and you must remain strong for him. (Catelyn pulls herself together)

[In Astapor]

Barristan Selmy: Leave this place, Your Grace. Leave tonight, I beg you.

Jorah Mormont: And what is she to do for soldiers?

Barristan Selmy: We can find sellswords in Pentos and Myr.

Jorah Mormont: Is it we already, Ser Barristan? If you want to sit on the throne your ancestors built, you must win it. That will mean blood on your hands before the thing is done.

Daenerys Targaryen: The blood of my enemies, not the blood of innocents.

Jorah Mormont: How many wars have you fought in, Ser Baristan?

Barristan Selmy: Three.

Jorah Mormont: Have you ever seen a war in which innocents didn't die by the thousands? [Barristan remains silent, but shakes his head] I was in King's Landing after the sack, Khaleesi. You know what I saw? Butchery. Babies, children, old men, more women raped than you can count. There's a beast in every man, and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand...but the Unsullied are not men. They do not rape, they do not put cities to the sword unless they're ordered to do so. If you buy them, the only men they'll kill are those you want dead. [Barristan scoffs]

Daenerys Targaryen: You disagree, Ser Barristan?

Barristan Selmy: When your brother Rhaegar led his army into battle at the Trident, men died for him because they believed in him, because they loved him, not because they'd been bought at a slaver's auction. I fought beside the last dragon on that day, your Grace. I bled beside him.

Jorah Mormont: Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought nobly...and Rhaegar died.

Daenerys Targaryen: Did you know him well, Ser Barristan?

Barristan Selmy: I did, your Grace. The finest man I ever met.

Daenerys Targaryen: I wish I had known him...but he was not the last dragon.

Missandei: (translating for Kraznys Mo Nakloz) All? Did this one's ears mishear Your Grace?

Daenerys Targaryen: They did not. I want to buy them all.

Missandei: (to Kraznys and the other Masters, in Valyrian) She wants to buy them all.

Kraznys Mo Nakloz: (scoffs, in Valyrian) She can't afford them. The slut thinks she can flash her tits and make us give her whatever she wants.

Missandei: There are eight thousand Unsullied in Astapor. Is this what you mean by "all"?

Daenerys Targaryen: Yes. Eight thousand- and the ones still in training, as well. (Missandei translates for Kraznys)

Greizhen mo Ullhor:(to Kraznys, in Valyrian) If they fall on the battlefield, they will shame Astapor!

Missandei: Master Greizhen says, they cannot sell half-trained boys. If they fail upon the battlefield, they will bring shame upon all of Astapor.

Daenerys Targaryen: I will have them all, or take none. Many will fall in battle; I'll need the boys to pick up the swords they drop. (Missandei translates to Kraznys)

Kraznys Mo Nakloz: (in Valyrian) The slut cannot pay for all of this. Her ship will buy her 100 Unsullied, no more- and this, because I like the curve of her ass. (snickers with the other Masters) What is left will buy her 10. I will give her 20 if she stops her ignorant whimpering. Her Dothraki smell of shit- but may be useful as pig feed. I will give her 3 for these. So, ask this beggar Queen, how she will pay for the remaining 7,877?

Missandei: Master Kraznys says you cannot afford this. Your ship will buy you one hundred Unsullied... because Master Kraznys is generous. The gold you have with you will is worth ten...but Good Master Kraznys will give you twenty. The Dothraki you have with you...The Dothraki you have are not worth what they cost to feed...but Master Kraznys will give you three Unsullied for all of them. Master Kraznys asks how you propose to pay for the remaining... seven thousand, eight hundred and seventy-seven Unsullied?

Daenerys Targaryen:...I have dragons. (Ser Barristan and Ser Jorah both look shocked) I'll give you one. (Missandei translates to Kraznys, who immediately looks interested; he goes into a discussion with the other slave Masters)

Barristan Selmy: (steps forward) You will win the Throne with dragons, not slaves, Your Grace!

Jorah Mormont:(steps forward) Khaleesi, please- (he sees the look on her face and backs off)

Kraznys Mo Nakloz:(finishes his discussion and turns to Daenerys as she steps forward) Three dragons-

Daenerys Targaryen: One.

Kraznys Mo Nakloz: Two-

Daenerys Targaryen: One. (Kraznys stares at her, then goes into discussion with his fellow slave-masters; finally, he replies in Valyrian)

Missandei: They want the biggest one.

Daenerys Targaryen: Done.

Kraznys Mo Nakloz: Done!

Daenerys Targaryen: (glances at Missandei)...I'll take you, as well- now. You'll be Master Kraznys' gift to me- a token of a bargain well-struck.

Missandei: (to Kraznys in Valyrian)...She asks that you give me to her, as a present. She asks that you do this now. (Kraznys locks eyes with Dany)

Jorah Mormont: Khaleesi, a dragon is worth more than any army!

Barristan Selmy: Aegon Targaryen proved that!

Daenerys Targaryen: (turns to face them, irritated) You're both here to advise me. I value your advice, but if you ever question me in front of strangers again, you'll be advising someone else. Is that understood? (she walks on with Missandei) Do you have a name?

Missandei: This one's name is Missandei, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen: Do you have a family- a mother and a father you'd return to, if you had the choice?

Missandei: No, Your Grace- no family living.

Daenerys Targaryen: You belong to me, now- it is your duty to tell me the truth.

Missandei:...Yes, Your Grace. Lying is a great offense- many of those on the Walk of Punishment were taken there for less.

Daenerys Targaryen: I offered water to one of the slaves dying on the Walk of Punishment. Do you know what he said to me? "Let me die."

Missandei:...There are no Masters in the grave, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen: Is it true what Master Kraznys told me about the Unsullied? About their obedience?

Missandei: All questions have been taken from them. They obey- that is all. Once they are yours, they are yours. They will fall on their swords, if you command it.

Daenerys Targaryen:...And what about you. You know that I'm taking you to war. You may go hungry, you may fall sick... you may be killed.

Missandei:... Valar Morghulis.

Daenerys Targaryen:...Yes. "All men must die"... but we are not men. (Missandei smiles)

[Tyrion is going through Littlefinger's books of commerce]

Tyrion Lannister: For years, I've heard Littlefinger is a magician. Whenever the Crown needs money, he rubs his hands together and poof! Mountains of gold.

Bronn: Let me guess; he's not a magician?

Tyrion Lannister: No.

Bronn: He's stealing it?

Tyrion Lannister: Worse; he's borrowing it.

Bronn: What's wrong with that?

Tyrion Lannister: We can't afford to pay it back, that's what wrong with it! The crown owes millions to my father.

Bronn: Seeing as it's his grandson's arse on the throne, I imagine he'll forgive that.

Tyrion Lannister: Forgive a debt? My father? For a man of the world, you're strangely naive.

Bronn: I've never borrowed money before. I'm not clear on the rules.

Tyrion Lannister: Well...the basic principle is 'I lend you money, and after an agreed upon period of time, you return it...with interest'.

Bronn: And what if I don't?

Tyrion Lannister: Well, you have to.

Bronn:(sits down across from Tyrion) But what if I don't?

Tyrion Lannister: (rolls his eyes) ...This is why I don't lend you money. Anyway, it's not my father I'm worried about. It's the Iron Bank of Braavos. We owe them tens of millions. If we fail to repay these loans, the Bank will fund our enemies. One way or another, they always get their gold back. (Pod enters, having been given three prostitutes by Tyrion as a reward for saving him at the Blackwater) Ah- the return of the conquering hero! Does he have a little jaunt in his step?

Bronn: The lad's practically skipping. (Pod smiles bashfully)

Tyrion Lannister: (smiling) You've been gone a long time, Podrick. I trust you got your money's worth? Or, should I say, my money's worth? (Podrick sets a pouch of gold on the table- the money Tyrion gave him for the prostitutes) Oh, it was a gift, Podrick! This is more than I give you in a year!

Bronn: He's your squire- you don't pay him.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh- then it's much more than I give you in a year!

Podrick Payne:...They wouldn't take it, m'Lord. (Tyrion looks very confused)

Bronn: (shrugs at Tyrion) Maybe they're trying to curry some favor with the new Master of Coin-

Tyrion Lannister: Have you ever known a whore to turn down gold? (Bronn opens his mouth, then shuts it, thinking) They were happy enough to take it when I gave it to them.

Bronn: (looks up at Pod)...What did you tell 'em?

Podrick Payne:...I didn't tell them anything.

Tyrion Lannister: What did you do to them?!

Podrick Payne: (shrugs)...Lots of things.

Tyrion Lannister: And... they seemed to like these things?

Podrick Payne: (nods vigorously) Yes, m'Lord.

Bronn: Of course they seemed to like it- they're paid to seem to like it-

Tyrion Lannister: (jingles the full bag of gold) Only they weren't paid.

Bronn:..What're you saying? These ladies enjoyed him so much, they gave him the time for free? (stares incredulously up at Pod)

Tyrion Lannister: (looks up at Pod) Is that what you're telling us? (Pod shrugs at them bashfully, smiling; amazed, Tyrion tosses the money bag aside and goes to fetch wine) Sit down, Podrick. (Bronn pushes him into a chair, Tyrion pours them wine) We're going to need details- copious details.

Locke: (holding a knife to Jaime's face) You think you're the smartest man there is. Everyone alive has to bow to lick and scrape your boots.

Jaime: My father-

Locke: You get in any trouble, all you got to do is say "My father" and that's it. All your troubles are gone. (Jaime grumbles) Have you got something to say? (presses the knife to Jaime's eye) You don't want to say the wrong thing. You're nothing without your daddy, and your daddy ain't here. (takes the knife away) Never forget that. (rises) Here, this should help you remember! (bring's the blade down, slicing Jaime's hand off)

And Now His Watch is Ended [3.04][edit]

[Arya, Gendry and the Hound are brought to a secret hideout of the Brotherhood Without Banners]

Gendry:...What is this place?

Thoros of Myr: Somewhere neither wolves nor lions can prowl.(Anguy leads a bound Sandor Clegane into the cave, then pulls his hood off)

Sandor Clegane: (stares around the cave at the outlaws and smirks) You look like a bunch of swineherds.

Anguy: Some of us were swineherds- and some of us tanners, and masons. That was before-

Sandor Clegane: (sneers) You're still swineherds and tanners and masons. You think carrying a crooked spear makes you a soldier?

Beric Dondarrion: No... fighting in a war makes you a soldier. (the outlaws part to reveal him)

Sandor Clegane: (stares at Dondarrion's scarred face and eyepatch)...Beric Dondarrion. you've seen better days-

Beric Dondarrion: (smiles, comes forward) And I won't see them again.

Sandor Clegane: (stares around the cave, shakes his head scornfully) Stark deserters, Baratheon deserters- you lot aren't fighting a war, you're running from it!

Beric Dondarrion: Last I heard, you were King Joffrey's guard dog- but here you are, a thousand miles from home. (pause) Which of us is running?

Sandor Clegane: Untie these ropes, and we'll find out. What're you doing, leading a mob of peasants?

Beric Dondarrion: Ned Stark ordered me to execute your brother, in King Robert's name. (Arya glances at him)

Sandor Clegane: Ned Stark is dead. King Robert is dead. My brother's alive. (spits) You're fighting for ghosts.

Beric Dondarrion: (smiles) That's what we are- ghosts. Waiting for you in the dark. You can't see us- but we see you, no matter whose cloak you wear. Lannister, Stark, Baratheon- you prey on the weak, and the Brotherhood Without Banners will hunt you down.

Sandor Clegane: You found God- is that it?

Beric Dondarrion: (fervently) Aye- I've been reborn in the light of the one true God. (Thoros nods) As have we all. As would any man whose seen the things we've seen.

Sandor Clegane: (disgusted) If you mean to murder me, then bloody well get on with it!

Thoros of Myr: You'll die soon enough, dog- but it won't be murder, only justice.

Anguy: (angrily) And the kind of fate that you deserve! Lions, you call yourselves- at the Mummer's Ford, girls of seven years were raped, and babes still at the breast were cut in two while their mothers watched-

Sandor Clegane: (sneering) I wasn't at the Mummer's Ford! Dump your dead children at some other door!

Thoros of Myr: House Clegane was built on dead children! I saw them lay Prince Aegon and Princess Raenys before the Iron Throne.

Sandor Clegane: (contemptuously) Do you take me for my brother? Is being born Clegane a crime?!

Anguy: Murder is a crime-

Sandor Clegane: (furious) I never touched the Targaryen babes! I never saw them- never smelled them, never heard them bawling! (Dondarrion watches him) You want to cut my throat- GET ON WITH IT! But don't call me murderer, and pretend that you're not!

Arya Stark: (angrily) You murdered Mycah, the butcher's boy. (everyone turns to look at her) My friend. He was twelve years old. He was unarmed. And you rode him down. You slung him over your horse like he was some deer. (Dondarrion steps towards her)

Sandor Clegane: Aye, he was a bleeder.

Beric Dondarrion: (turns to look at him)...You don't deny killing this boy?

Sandor Clegane: I was Joffrey's sworn shield. The boy attacked the Prince-

Arya Stark: That's a lie! I hit Joffrey! Mycah just ran away!

Sandor Clegane: Then I should have killed you! Not my place to question Princes!

Beric Dondarrion: (looks back and forth between the Hound and Arya)...You stand accused of murder, but no one hear knows the truth of the charge. So, it is not for us to judge you- only the Lord of Light may do that, now. (pause) I sentence you to trial by combat.

Sandor Clegane: (turns around, looking at each of the outlaws) ...So, who will it be? (looks at Thoros) Should we find out if your fire-god really loves you, priest? (turns to Anguy) Or you, archer- or are you worse with a sword in your hand? (Anguy suddenly looks frightened, Sandor turns around, smirking) Or is the little girl the bravest one here?

Beric Dondarrion: (glances at Arya)...Aye, she might be. But it's me you'll fight.

[Sandor Clegane has just killed Beric Dondarrion in a trial by combat; as Thoros starts praying over Dondarrion's body, Arya grabs a dagger and runs at the prone Clegane)

Gendry: (intercepts Arya and pulls her back) No- Arya, don't!

Arya Stark: NO! LET GO OF ME! LET ME GO!

Sandor Clegane: (laughs mockingly) Looks like Ģod likes me more than your butcher's boy!

Arya Stark: BURN IN HELL!

Beric Dondarrion:...He will. (Arya, Gendry and Clegane look over in shock to see that Dondarrion has been resurrected by Thoros)...But not today.

[Tyrion walks into a room to find Varys unloading a very large crate]:

Varys: Oh- Lord Tyrion! Come in, come in...

Tyrion Lannister: I hoped we might speak... in confidence.

Varys: Oh, always in confidence. (smiles, begins prising loose various parts of the crate lid with a crowbar.)

Tyrion Lannister: About the events of the Blackwater. (Varys continues his work on the crate)... Perhaps this is the wrong time?

Varys: (oddly cheerful) Oh, no, it's a wonderful time!

Tyrion Lannister: I thought one of your little birds might have... knowledge of my sister's intentions to-

Varys: End your life? (pauses, looks at Tyrion, who nods)

Tyrion Lannister:... I didn't inherit Littlefinger's spies along with his position, I'm afraid. Which is why I'm coming to you. I need proof.

Varys: (scoffs, chuckles) Proof? Will there be a trial (continues working on the crate lid)

Tyrion Lannister: I need to know. (Varys looks up at him in exasperation)

Varys: I have no proof... only whispers. (Tyrion sighs in disappointment) Before all this...nastiness, I was going to tell you the story of how I was cut. Do you want to hear it still?

Tyrion: I don't know. Do I?

Varys: (pauses) As a boy, in Myr, I traveled with a troupe of actors through the Free Cities. One day, a man approached my master with an offer too tempting to refuse. I feared the man meant to use me, as I'd heard some men use small boys- but what he wanted was far worse. He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses. With a hooked blade, he sliced me, root and stem, chanting all the while. He burned my parts on a brazier; the flames burned blue, and I heard a voice... answer his call. (pause, stares at Tyrion with a fearful expression) I still dream of that night. Not of the sorcerer, not of his blade...I dream of the voice. Was it a god? A demon? Some conjurer's trick? I don't know- but the sorcerer called... and a voice answered. (vengefully) And ever since that day, I have hated magic, and all who practice it. (Tyrion nods impatiently) But, you can see why I was eager to aide in your fight against Stannis and his Red Priestess- a symbolic revenge, of sorts. (smiles, continues working on the crate lid)

Tyrion Lannister: Yes- I feel the need for actual revenge. Against the actual person who tried to have me killed, which will require a certain degree of... influence which-

Varys: (gestures at him with the crowbar) You do not possess- at the moment. (Tyrion smiles weakly, Varys sets down the crowbar and walks around the crate) But- influence is largely a matter of... patience, I find. (goes to a mirror and washes his hands) Once I had served the sorcerer's purpose, he threw me out of his house, to die. I resolved to live, to spite him. (Tyrion frowns thoughtfully, Varys washes his face and puts on his jeweled rings) I begged, I sold what parts of my body remained to me- I became an excellent thief. And soon, learned that the contents of a man's letters are more valuable than the contents of his purse. Step by step... One distasteful task after another, I made my way from the slums of Myr... to the Small Council Chamber. (Turns to look at Tyrion) Influence grows, like a weed. I tended mine, patiently,(walks back to the crate) until its' tendrils reached from the Red Keep, all the way across to the far side of the world... where I managed to wrap them around something very special. (pulls the crate lid open; Tyrion looks inside with him to find a ragged old man, bound and gagged)

Tyrion Lannister: (shocked)...The sorcerer. (The old man whimpers through the gag)

Varys: (menacingly) Hello, my old friend... It's been a long time. (to Tyrion) I have no doubt, the revenge you want will be yours in time... if you have the stomach for it. (closes the crate on the sorcerer, who is screaming through the gag)

[Cersei sits in front of her father, who is busy writing a letter to someone and does not look up at her for some time]

Tywin Lannister: ...You wanted to speak to me?

Cersei Lannister: Yes- about Jaime.

Tywin Lannister: What about him?

Cersei Lannister: I wanted to make sure we're doing whatever we can to get him back.

Tywin Lannister:...When Catelyn Stark took Tyrion prisoner, what did I do in response? (dries the ink on the letter and folds it up)

Cersei Lannister: You started a war.

Tywin Lannister: (pours sealing wax on the letter) And, if I started a war for that lecherous little stump, what do you think I am doing for my eldest son, and heir?

Cersei Lannister: Whatever you can.

Tywin Lannister: Whatever I can. (puts a seal on the letter, pushes it aside, and starts working on another letter) You're still here.

Cersei Lannister: (quietly) Yes.

Tywin Lannister: Why?

Cersei Lannister: (resentfully) Did it ever occur to you that I might be the one who deserves your confidence and your trust- not your sons? Not Jaime or Tyrion, but me? Years and years of lectures on family and legacy (laughs mockingly) The same lecture, really- just with tiny, tedious variations. Did it ever occur to you that your daughter might be the only one listening to them, living by them- tht she might have the most to contribute to your legacy that you love so much more than your actual children? (pause as Tywin finishes his letter)

Tywin Lannister: All right. Contribute. (leans back with an expectant look, Cersei's confidence suddenly falters)

Cersei Lannister: The Tyrells are a problem.

Tywin Lannister: (gives her an incredulous look) The Tyrells helped us defeat Stannis Baratheon. The Tyrells helped save your life, and your children's lives.

Cersei Lannister: Margaery has her claws into Joffrey. She knows how to manipulate him-

Tywin Lannister: (stares directly at her) Good. I wish you knew how to manipulate him. (pause) I don't distrust you because you're a woman. I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are. You've allowed that boy to ride roughshod over you, and everyone else in this city. (goes back to his letters, Cersei glares at him resentfully)

Cersei Lannister: Perhaps you should try stopping him from doing what he likes.

Tywin Lannister: (pauses, gives her a cold, direct look) I will.

[Daenerys has just sold one of her dragons, Drogon, for an army of 8000 Unsullied]

Daenerys Targaryen: Is it done then? They belong to me?

Missandei: [after translating] It is done. You hold the whip.

Master Kraznys: [attempting to rein Drogon in] The bitch has her army.

[Daenerys turns to face the Unsullied. Kraznys does not notice what happens next, as he is too busy with Drogon]

Daenerys Targaryen: [In Valyrian] Unsullied! Forward march! [they do so] Halt! [They stop]

Master Kraznys: Tell the bitch her beast won't come.

Daenerys Targaryen: [turns to face him, still in Valyrian] A dragon is not a slave.

Master Kraznys: [astonished] You speak Valyrian!?

Daenerys Targaryen: [coldly] I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, of the blood of Old Valyria. Valyrian is my mother tongue. [ Missandei smiles, Dany turns to the Unsullied] Unsullied! Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who holds a whip, but harm no child. Strike the chains of every slave you see!

[the Unsullied begin slaughtering the Astapori slavers]

Master Kraznys: (in Valyrian, panicking) I am your master. Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!

Daenerys Targaryen: [with a cold smile] Dracarys.

[Drogon breathes fire, burning Krasnyz to death]

Olenna Tyrell: (to her granddaughters, as she sees Varys approaching) Look, little loves- a spider in the garden! Run along now- grow strong! (chuckles as Varys reaches her and the girls leave)

Varys: (bows and smiles at her) My lady, I wanted to personally welcome you to King's Landing; the city has been made brighter by your presence-

Olenna Tyrell: "The city is made brighter by my presence?" (chuckles) Is that your usual line, Lord Varys? (Varys' smile slips a notch) Are you here to seduce me?

Varys: A little obvious, perhaps-

Olenna Tyrell: Oh, please, seduce away! It's been so long (sighs, glances at Vary's crotch)... though I rather think it's all for naught. What happens when the nonexistent bumps against the decrepit? (Varys follows her gaze and then looks quickly back at her, uncomfortable) A question for the philosophers. (Varys nods) But you've come mincing all this way for something, so?...

Varys: Might I sit?

Olenna Tyrell: No. Come, I've heard you're such a clever man- I'm curious why you sought me out.

Varys: You've taken an interest in Sansa Stark.

Olenna Tyrell: Have I? Because I spoke to her once in this garden, and one of your little spies came running to tell you? (Varys smiles) Why shouldn't I take an interest? She's an interesting girl.

Varys: Is she?

Olenna Tyrell: No, not particularly- but she's had an interesting childhood.

Varys: She has, sadly. (pause, pretends to leave) Well, forgive me for wasting your time, then- I thought we shared certain hopes for her well-being.

Olenna Tyrell: (chuckles) Come, come- you surrender rather easily! (gets up and takes Varys' arm) Walk with me- I know the walls have ears, but apparently the shrubbery does, too. (they walk through the gardens)

Varys: I choose my allies carefully- and my enemies, more carefully still.

Olenna Tyrell: Which one is Sansa Stark?

Varys: Neither. A babe lost in the woods. I admired her father.

Olenna Tyrell: Yes, Ned Stark had many admirers- and how many of them stepped forward when the executioner came for his head?

Varys: I could not help Lord Stark- perhaps I can help his daughter.

Olenna Tyrell: How?

Varys: (looks uneasy) You're not the only one who's taken an interest in her.

Olenna Tyrell: (scoffs) That's hardly surprising- she's a beautiful girl with a famous name.

Varys: Indeed. She'd make a lovely match for the right suitor.

Olenna Tyrell: It almost feels as though you're about to arrive at your point. (they stop walking)

Varys: Littlefinger is not long for the Capitol. A confindant of mine has told me that when he goes, Sansa Stark goes with him.

Olenna Tyrell: And why have you come to me with this matter?

Varys: (pause) Littlefinger was born with no lands, no wealth, no armies. He has acquired the first two- how long before he has the army? (sees her smile) Perhaps you'll laugh, but I know him better than most- and this is the truth: Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros. If Robb Stark falls, Sansa Stark is the key to the North-

Olenna Tyrell: And if Littlefinger marries her, he'll have the key in his pocket.

Varys: Which seems such a shame- why should a man with such a low reputation steal away such a lovely bride?

Olenna Tyrell: (chuckles) You must despise him- you're working so hard to undermine him.

Varys: (thoughtfully) Actually, I rather enjoy him ...but he would see this whole country burn if he could be King of the ashes.

Olenna Tyrell:...You are a clever man, Lord Varys.

Varys: (bows) You are too kind. I believe I have a possible solution.

Olenna Tyrell: One doesn't have to be clever for that- it's all rather obvious, isn't it? (they keep walking)

[Daenerys has just sacked the city of Astapor with Drogon and the eight thousand Unsullied; she climbs onto a white war-horse and rides out among the Unsullied, who are standing to attention. Missandei, Ser Jorah Mormont and Ser Barristan Selmy watch her)

Daenerys Targaryen: (addressing the Unsullied in High Valyrian) Unsullied! You have been slaves, all your life. Today, you are free. Any man who wishes to leave may leave, and no one will harm him- I give you my word. Will you fight for me- as free men?

[Long pause. Then, one of the Unsullied begins stamping his spearpole on the ground; others join him, until all of them are beating their spearpoles in a synchronized thunder, indicating their allegiance to Daenerys...]

[At Craster's Keep, the ranger Bannen has died of the injuries he had sustained at the battle at the Fist of the First Men. His corpse is burnt on a pyre. His sworn brothers hold a funeral for his memory.]

Jeor Mormont: His name was Bannen. He was a good man, good ranger. He came to us from... where did he come from?

Eddison Tollett: Down White Harbor way.

Jeor Mormont: He came to us from White Harbor. Never failed in his duty. Kept his vows best he could. He rode far, fought fiercely. We shall never see his like again.

[Everyone recite the traditional closing line of the eulogy of the Night's Watch: And now his watch is ended.]

Jeor Mormont: And now his watch is ended.

Grenn: Didn't think a broke foot could kill a man.

Rast: It wasn't his foot that killed him. That bastard Craster starved him to death.

Samwell Tarly: Craster's got his daughters to feed.

Rast: You on his side?

Samwell Tarly: We can't just show up and steal all his food. We're brothers of the Night's Watch, not thieves.

Rast: The day we leave, Craster will tap a barrel of our wine and sit down to a feast of ham and potatoes and laugh at us starving in the snow. He's a bloody wildling all he is.

Eddison Tollett: Never knew Bannen could smell so good.

[After the funeral, Lord Commander Mormont is sitting at the main hall and checking a map in his journal, while Craster continues to eat and berate the men of the Night's Watch.]

Craster: You have one son, don't you, Mormont? I had my 99th. You ever meet a man with 99 sons?

[Mormont shakes his head indifferently.]

Craster: And more daughters than I can count.

Jeor Mormont: [dryly] I'm glad for you.

[The other Night Watch's members enter the hall, shivering of the cold weather.]

Craster: Are you now? Me, I'll be glad when you and yours have gone.

Jeor Mormont: As soon as our wounded are strong enough.

Craster: [sneers] Ah. They're as strong as they're gonna get. Them that's dying, why don't you cut their throats and be done with it? Or leave them if you've not the stomach, and I'll sort them myself.

[Craster eats. Mormont looks at him with disgust.]

Karl: Whose throat you gonna cut, old man?

Jeor Mormont: Wait outside.

Karl: It's cold outside and there's nothing to eat.

Craster: My wives gave you bread.

Karl: There's sawdust in the bread.

Craster: You don't like it, you go out there and eat the snow.

Karl: [steps forward threateningly] I'd rather eat what you've got hidden away.

Jeor Mormont: [stands] I told you to wait outside.

Rast: [angrily] He's sitting there, drinking our wine, eating his fill while we die!

[Craster stands up angrily, throwing the food on the floor.]

Craster: I gave you crows enough. I've got to feed my women!

Rast: So you admit you've got a hidden larder, then? How else'd you make it through winter?

Jeor Mormont: [raises his voice] Enough! Out!

[Mormont grabs Rast roughly.]

Craster: [slams his chest] I am a godly man!

Rast: You're a stingy bastard!

Craster: [enraged] Bastard? [Craster takes an axe off the wall.] Out with you, you little thief. [To Karl] And you! [To Eddison Tollett] And you! [Craster looks threateningly at everyone.] Go sleep in the cold on empty bellies. I'll chop the hands off the next man who calls me bastard.

[A long moment of tension. No one moves. At last Craster lowers his axe. Mormont grabs Rast to lead him out the doorway.]

Karl: [to Craster] You are a bastard.

[Craster turns to face Karl.]

Karl: A daughter-fucking, wildling bastard.

[Craster snarls in rage and charges at Karl, waving his axe, but Karl is faster. He draws a dagger and shoves it through Craster's jaw. Craster rasps in agony, blood fills his mouth. Karl lets go of Craster, who falls on the ground, straining to breath. Karl strikes one of Craster's wives.]

Jeor Mormont: The gods will curse us for this! By all the laws...

Karl: There are no laws beyond the Wall!

[Karl grabs the woman he struck and puts his dagger at her throat.]

Karl: Now show us where he hides the food, or you'll get the same as he did!

Jeor Mormont: [draws his sword] Unhand her!

[Karl lets go of the woman and faces Mormont with his dagger]

Jeor Mormont: I shall have your head for this...

[Rast stabs Mormont in the back. Mormont gasps and drops his sword. For a moment the men stare in shock, then Grenn yells in rage and charges at Karl, tackling him. A bloody brawl breaks out between the mutineers and the ones who remain loyal to Mormont. Craster lies on the ground unmoving, dead. Mormont turns around to face Rast, grabs him by the throat, lifts him off his feet, then spins him around and hurls him against the opposite wall. Sam does not take part in the fighting, but instead rushes outside to find Gilly. Mormont nearly manages to choke Rast to death, but then the wound he sustained takes its toll. Blood pours from Mormont's mouth. He lets go of Rast and sinks to the ground. Rast recovers, grabs a knife and stabs Mormont repeatedly in the chest until he is dead. Meanwhile, Sam enters the hut where Gilly is with her baby. Gilly helplessly watches the brawl through a crack in the wall.]

Samwell Tarly: Quickly. Quickly.

Gilly: What's happening? I'm not going out there.

Samwell Tarly: No, we have to go. Now!

[The baby cries. Gilly picks him. They go outside.]

Gilly: Follow me. I know the best way. Come on.

[As the brawl continues, Sam and Gilly escape with her baby. No one takes notice of them except Rast. He comes outside and shouts after Sam.]

Rast: Run fast, Piggy, and sleep well! I'll be cutting your throat one of these nights.

Kissed by Fire [3.05][edit]

Robb Stark: It took five of you to murder two unarmed squires?

Rickard Karstark: Not murder, Your Grace. Vengeance.

Robb Stark: Vengeance? Those boys didn't kill your sons. I saw Harrion die on the battlefield and Torrhen-

Rickard Karstark: Was strangled by the Kingslayer. They were his kin.

Robb Stark: [furious] THEY WERE BOYS! Look at them.

Rickard Karstark: Tell your mother to look at them. She killed them as much as I. (Catelyn looks down, ashamed)

Robb Stark: My mother had nothing to do with this. This was your treason.

Rickard Karstark: It's treason to free your enemies. In war, you kill your enemies. Did your father not teach you that, boy?

[Brynden Tully punches Karstark in the face]

Robb Stark: Leave him.

Rickard Karstark: Aye. Leave me to the king. He wants to give me a scolding before he sets me free. That's how he deals with treason. Our King in the North. Or should I call him the King Who Lost the North?

Robb Stark: Escort Lord Karstark to the dungeon. Hang the rest.

Karstark soldier: Mercy, sire! I didn't kill anyone, I only watched for the guards.

Robb Stark: This one was only the watcher. Hang him last so he can watch the others die.

Karstark soldier: Please! Please don't, they made me do it! They made me! They made me...!

(The prisoners are dragged out; Robb sits at his desk. His uncle Edmure Tully, and his wife Talisa approach him)

Edmure Tully: Word of this can't leave Riverrun. They were Tywin Lannister's nephews; the Lannisters pay their debts - they never stop talking about that.

Robb Stark: Would you make me a liar as well as a murderer?

Edmure Tully: It wouldn't be lying. We'll bury them and remain silent until the war is done.

Robb Stark: I'm not fighting for justice if I don't serve justice to murderers in my ranks, no matter how high-born! (Catelyn stands up) He has to die.

Catelyn Stark: The Karstarks are Northmen. They won't forgive the killing of their Lord-

Talisa Maegyr: Your mother's right. If you do this, the Karstarks will abandon you.

Robb Stark: (stares at her) You tended to their wounds, you brought them supper. Now they're dead.

Talisa Maegyr: And more boys will keep dying until this war is over! You need Karstark men to end it!

Catelyn Stark: Spare his life, keep him as a hostage.

Edmure Tully: (nods) A hostage. Tell the Karstarks that as long as they remain loyal, he will not be harmed. (Robb ponders their words)

Rickard Karstark: The blood of the First Men flows in my veins as much as yours, boy. I fought the Mad King for your father. I fought Joffrey for you. We are kin, Stark and Karstark.

Robb Stark: That didn't stop you from betraying me, and it won't save you now.

Rickard Karstark: (sneers) I don't want it to save me. I want it to haunt you to the end of your days!

Robb Stark: Kneel, my Lord. (Lord Karstark kneels across a stone hedgerow) Rickard Karstark, Lord of Karhold, here in sight of Gods and men, I sentence you to die. Would you speak a final word?

Rickard Karstark: Kill me and be cursed! You are no King of mine! (Robb beheads Lord Karstark with a single blow)

[Robb surveys his map, which displays the Stark forces nearly encircled by the Greyjoy and Tyrell/Lannister forces; his wife Talisa enters]

Talisa Maegyr: Come to bed.

Robb Stark: You were right- the Karstarks are gone. (throws aside the Karstark marker angrily) Almost half our forces. Tywin Lannister knows what he needs to do, to make us unravel: nothing. (Talisa approaches him) Only wait.

Talisa Maegyr: Don't let him.

Robb Stark: (smiles ruefully at her) What can I do? Attack King's Landing? There's nothing he'd like better. He'd crush us in a day.

Talisa Maegyr: You could ride North- take your lands back from the Greyjoys. Wait out the winter.

Robb Stark: Winter could last five years. Once my bannermen are home again- sitting by the fire, surrounded by their families, warm and safe- they'll never ride south again. (pause, angrily) When I gathered my Lords together, we had a purpose, a mission. Now, we're like a band of bickering children! (pause)

Talisa Maegyr: Give them a new purpose.

Robb: What?

Talisa Maegyr: I don't know. (squeezes his arm, looks at the map) I don't even know where Winterfell is.

Robb Stark: (smiles) Here. (takes her hand and indicates Winterfell) We are here. (indicates Riverrun) King's Landing is here. (indicates the capitol; as Talisa turns to kiss him he pauses, realizing something)

Talisa Maegyr: What is it?

Robb Stark: (pause) I can't force them to meet us in the field, and I can't attack them where they're strongest- but I can attack them where they're not. (moves his Stark markers towards Casterly Rock) And Casterly Rock can't run away. (removes the one Lannister marker on Casterly Rock, with relish) I'm going to take their home away from them.

Talisa Maegyr: (smiles) Can you do it?

Robb Stark: I need men, to replace the Karstarks who marched home. There is only one person in this Kingdom with that kind of army who hasn't already sided with the Lannisters. (smiles grimly) The man whose daughter I was supposed to marry: Walder Frey.

[Ser Jorah Mormont and Ser Barristan Selmy reminisce about their past battles, as the Unsullied march alongside them)

Jorah Mormont: It was a bitch of a siege. (Referring to the Siege of Pyke in the Greyjoy Rebellion)

Barristan Selmy: Mmm- you were first through the breach at Pyke.

Jorah Mormont: The second. Thoros of Myr went in alone, waving that flaming sword of his-

Barristan Selmy: (chuckles) Thoros of Myr! Bloody madman! Robert knighted you, after the battle.

Jorah Mormont: Proudest moment of my life. One knee in the dust, the King's sword on my shoulder, listening to the words "In the name of the Warrior, I charge you to be brave"... All I could think about was how badly I had to piss. (Ser Barristan laughs) In full plate armor for sixteen hours- never occurred to me 'till the battle was nearly over. I was very nearly the first man knighted to piss on the King's boots!

Barristan Selmy: (chuckles) Robert would have laughed, if you had. He was a good man, a great warrior, and a terrible King. I've worked away my years, fighting for terrible Kings.

Jorah Mormont: You swore an oath.

Barristan Selmy: Yes, and a man of honor keeps his vows, even if he's serving a drunk or a lunatic. Just once in my life, before it's over, I want to know what it's like to serve with pride. To fight for someone I believe in. (nods towards Daenerys, who is dismounting alongside Missandei) Do you believe in her?

Jorah Mormont: (follows Ser Barristan's gaze) With all my heart.

Daenerys Targaryen: These are the ones?

Missandei: Yes, Khaleesi- the officers. (a small formation of Unsullied march forward and halt before Daenerys)

Daenerys Targaryen: (speaking Valyrian) You did not choose this life. But you are free men now, and free men make their own choices. Have you selected a leader from within your ranks? (the Unsullied split their formation to reveal their leader, Grey Worm) Remove your helmet. (he sticks his spear in the ground, removes his helmet, and marches to Daenerys)

Grey Worm: (also speaking Valyrian) This one has the honor.

Daenerys Targaryen: What is your name?

Grey Worm: Grey Worm.

Daenerys Targaryen: (surprised) "Grey Worm"? (turns to Missandei)

Missandei: (in Common Tongue, sadly) All Unsullied boys are given new names when they are cut- Grey Worm, Red Flea, Black Rat- names that remind them what they are. Vermin. (Daenerys stares at Grey Worm and his officers, filled with pity and rage)

Daenerys Targaryen: (to Grey Worm and the officers)...From this day forward, you will choose your own names. You will tell your fellow soldiers to do the same. Throw away your slave name. Choose the name your parents gave you, or any other. A name that gives you pride.

Grey Worm: ..."Grey Worm" gives me pride. It is a lucky name. The name this one was born with was cursed. That was the name he had when he was taken as a slave. But, "Grey Worm" is the name this one had, the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free. (Daenerys stares at him, moved by his loyalty)

Jorah Mormont: King Robert wanted her dead.

Barristan Selmy: Of course he wanted her dead. She's a Targaryen- the last Targaryen.

Jorah Mormont: (glances carefully at Ser Barristan, trying to gauge how much he knew about Jorah's previous spying) I suppose no one on the Small Council could speak sense to him?

Barristan Selmy: I didn't sit on the Small Council.

Jorah Mormont: No? Doesn't the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard traditionally-

Barristan Selmy: (dryly) Traditionally, yes- but I killed a dozen of Robert's friends, during his rebellion. He didn't want advice on how to govern from a man who'd fought for the Mad King. (they remount and ride on) Can't say I minded, much- I always hated the policies.

Jorah Mormont: I imagine I would, too- always spent jabbering about backstabbings and betrayals the world over?

Barristan Selmy: Mm-hm. (Jorah glances away, content Ser Barristan doesn't know about his past)

Jorah Mormont: Still, she'll have to wade through that muck, if she wants to rule the Seven Kingdoms.

Barristan Selmy: She'll have good men around her to advise her- men with experience. (Jorah looks at him sharply)

Jorah Mormont: Which men did you have in mind?

Barristan Selmy: Well, forgive me, Ser Jorah, for what I'm about to say, but... your reputation in Westeros has suffered over the years.

Jorah Mormont: (nods, conceding the point) It's suffered for a reason- I sold men into slavery.

Barristan Selmy: I don't know if your presence by her side will help our cause, when we go home-

Jorah Mormont: (scoffs) "Our" cause? Forgive me, Ser Barristan, but I was busy defending the Khaleesi against King Robert's assassins while you were still bowing to the man!

Barristan Selmy: (they both stop their horses) We both want her to rule- am I wrong?

Jorah Mormont: You only joined us a few weeks ago. I can't speak for your true intentions.

Barristan Selmy: (impatiently) If we are truly her loyal servants, we will do what needs to be done- no matter the cost, no matter our pride-

Jorah Mormont: You're not Lord Commander here. You're just another exile- and I take my orders from the Queen. (rides past Ser Barristan)

Jaime Lannister: [steps into a bath with Brienne] If I faint, pull me out. I don't intend to be the first Lannister to die in a bathtub.

Brienne of Tarth: Why should I care how you die?

Jaime Lannister: You swore a solemn vow, remember? You're supposed to get me to King's Landing in one piece. [nods to his severed hand] Not going so well, is it? No wonder Renly died with you guarding him- [Brienne rises from the bath in anger] That was unworthy. Forgive me. You protected me better than most-

Brienne of Tarth: Don't you mock me.

Jaime Lannister: I'm apologizing. I'm sick of fighting. Let's call a truce.

Brienne of Tarth: [sinks back into the bath] You need trust to have a truce.

Jaime Lannister: I trust you. [sees Brienne staring] There it is. There's the look. I've seen it for 17 years on face after face. You all despise me. Kingslayer. Oathbreaker. A man without honor. You've heard of wildfire?

Brienne of Tarth: Of course.

Jaime Lannister: The Mad King was obsessed with it. He loved to watch people burn, the way their skin blackened and blistered and melted off their bones. He burned lords he didn't like. He burned Hands who disobeyed him. He burned anyone who was against him. Before long, half the country was against him. Aerys saw traitors everywhere. So he had his pyromancer place caches of wildfire all over the city. beneath the Sept of Baelor and the slums of Flea Bottom. Under houses, stables, taverns. Even beneath the Red Keep itself. Finally, the day of reckoning came. Robert Baratheon marched on the capital after his victory at the Trident. But my father arrived first with the whole Lannister army at his back, promising to defend the city against the rebels. I knew my father better than that. He's never been one to pick the losing side. I told the Mad King as much. I urged him to surrender peacefully. But the king didn't listen to me. He didn't listen to Varys who tried to warn him. But he did listen to Grand Maester Pycelle, that grey, sunken cunt. "You can trust the Lannisters," he said. "The Lannisters have always been true friends of the crown." So we opened the gates and my father sacked the city. Once again, I came to the king, begging him to surrender. He told me to... bring him my father's head. Then he... turned to his pyromancer. "Burn them all," he said. "Burn them in their homes. Burn them in their beds." Tell me, if your precious Renly commanded you to kill your own father and stand by while thousands of men, women, and children burned alive, would you have done it? Would you have kept your oath then? [Brienne stares at him in stunned silence] First, I killed the pyromancer. And then when the king turned to flee, I drove my sword into his back. "Burn them all," he kept saying. "Burn them all." I don't think he expected to die. He- he meant to... burn with the rest of us and rise again, reborn as a dragon to turn his enemies to ash. I slit his throat to make sure that didn't happen. That's where Ned Stark found me.

Brienne of Tarth: If this is true... why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell Lord Stark?

Jaime Lannister: Stark? You think the honorable Ned Stark wanted to hear my side? He judged me guilty the moment he set eyes on me. By what right does the wolf judge the lion? By what right!? [collapses, Brienne supports him]

Brienne of Tarth: Help! Help! The Kingslayer!

Jaime Lannister: Jaime. My name is Jaime.

Tormund Giantsbane: Orrel says there are Crows patrolling on the Wall- tell him what you know. (watches Jon)

Jon Snow: (nods, looks away) There are four to a patrol- two Builders to check for structural damage, two Rangers to watch for enemies.

Orell: How often do these patrols go out?

Jon Snow:...It varies. If I knew where on the Wall we were heading, I could tell you-

Orell: (sneers) You'd like to know that. (Jon glares at him) There are nineteen castles guarding the Wall. How many are manned?

Jon Snow: Three.

Orell: You sure of that? (Jon nods) Which three?

Jon Snow: Castle Black-

Orell: Aye, Castle Black- everyone knows Castle Black. Which others?

Jon Snow:...Eastwatch-by-the-Sea... and the Shadow Tower.

Tormund Giantsbane: How many men remain in Castle Black?

Jon Snow: A thousand-

Orell: Liar. (angrily, Jon drops the firewood he's carrying and steps towards Orell, his hand on Longclaw)

Jon Snow: (sneering) What happens to your eagle after I kill you?! Does he drift away, like a kite with the strings cut- or does he just flop dead to the ground? (Ygritte steps towards them)

Ygritte: (to Orell) He's no Crow.

Orell: Just 'cause you want him inside of you don't make him one of us.

Ygritte: (draws her dagger and holds it against Orell's chest) I'm not afraid of you. (Orell starts advancing on her angrily, but Tormund grabs him and throws him to the ground)

Tormund Giantsbane: (steps towards Jon)...I like you, boy. But, if you lie to me, I'll pull your guts out through your throat.

Jon Snow: ...A thousand men. (he and Tormund stare each other down as Orell gets up)

Tormund Giantsbane: ...We'll find out soon enough.

Tywin Lannister: You're late.

Tyrion Lannister: (glares at Cersei) What's she doing here?

Tywin Lannister: Our business concerns her as well. Sit. (Tyrion sits across from Cersei)

Tyrion Lannister: You'll be pleased to learn that after one conversation with Olenna Tyrell, I've saved the Crown hundreds of thousands on this wedding.

Tywin Lannister: Never mind that now- we have something important to discuss.

:Tyrion Lannister: I'm Master of Coin- saving money is important. (glares at Cersei, who is smiling mischievously at him) Stop that. It's making me uncomfortable.

Tywin Lannister: Your sister has learned that your new friends the Tyrells are plotting to marry Sansa Stark to Sir Loras.

Tyrion Lannister: Very well. She's a lovely girl. Missing some of Loras' favorite bits, but I'm sure they'll make do.

Tywin Lannister: Your jokes are not appreciated.

Tyrion Lannister: It wasn't my best, but-

Tywin Lannister: I bring them into the royal fold and this is how they repay me, by trying to steal the key to the North out from under me.

Tyrion Lannister: Sansa is the key to the North? I seem to remember she has an older brother.

Tywin Lannister: The Karstarks have marched home. The Young Wolf has lost half his army. His days are numbered. Theon Greyjoy murdered both his brothers. That makes Sansa Stark the heir to Winterfell. And I am not about to hand her over to the Tyrells.

Tyrion Lannister: The Tyrell army is helping us to win this war. Do you really think it's wise to refuse them?

Tywin Lannister: There's nothing to refuse. This is a plot. Plots are not public knowledge. And the Tyrells won't carry this one out until after Joffrey's wedding. We need to act first and kill this union in its crib.

Tyrion Lannister: And how do we do that?

Tywin Lannister: We find Sansa Stark a different husband.

Tyrion Lannister: Wonderful.

Cersei Lanniser: [smiling] Yes, it is.

Tyrion Lannister: [after a long silence] You can't mean it.

Tywin Lannister: I can and I do.

Tyrion Lannister: Joffrey has made this poor girl's life miserable since the day he took her father's head. Now she's finally free of him and you give her to me? That's cruel even for you.

Tywin Lannister: Do you intend on mistreating her? The girl's happiness is not my concern, nor should it be yours.

Tyrion Lannister: She's a child!

Cersei Lannister: She's flowered, I assure you. She and I have discussed it at length.

Tywin Lannister: There, you see? You will wed her, bed her, and put a child in her. Surely you're capable of that.

Tyrion Lannister: And if I refuse?

Tywin Lannister: You wanted to be rewarded for your valor in battle. Sansa Stark is a finer reward than you could ever dare hope for. And it is past time you were wed.

Tyrion Lannister: [furious ] I was wed.(Tywin glares at him) Or don't you remember?

Tywin Lannister: (gritting his teeth with rage) Only too well.

Cersei Lannister: You should be thanking the gods for this. This is more than you deserve.

Tywin Lannister: Tyrion will do as he's bid. As will you.

Cersei Lannister: What do you mean?

Tywin Lannister: You'll marry Ser Loras.

Cersee Lannister: I will not.

Tywin Lannister: The boy is heir to Highgarden. Tyrion will secure the North, you will secure the Reach.

Cersei Lannnister: No, I won't do it.

Tywin Lannister: Yes, you will. You're still fertile. You need to marry again and breed.

Cersei Lannister: [furious] I am Queen Regent, not some broodmare!

Tywin Lannister: [shouting] YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER! You will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell and put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all.

Cersei Lannnister: Father, don't make me do it again, please.

Tywin Lannister: Not another word. [rises from his seat] My children. You've disgraced the Lannister name for far too long.

The Climb [3.06][edit]

Roose Bolton: (as Brienne and Jaime dine with him) I see my men have finally found you something appropriate to wear.

Brienne of Tarth: (sarcastically) Yes- most kind of them! (next to her, Jaime is fumbling at cutting his food one-handed) You're a Stark bannerman, Lord Bolton- I'm acting on Lady Stark's orders to return Jaime Lannister to King's Landing.

Roose Bolton: When King Robb left Harrenhall, his mother was his prisoner. If she wasn't his mother, he'd have hanged her for treason. (Brienne takes pity on Jaime and helps him cut his meat; Roose smiles slightly) I should send you back to Robb Stark.

Jaime Lannister: You should- but instead, you're sitting here, watching me fail at dinner. Why might that be?

Roose Bolton: (shrugs) Wars cost money. Many people would pay a great deal for you.

Jaime Lannister: We both know who would pay the most. (pause) He'll make you pay the most, if he found out you'd captured me and sent me back up North for a summary execution.

Roose Bolton: (shrugs, raises an eyebrow) You're right- perhaps, the safest course is to kill you both and burn your bodies. (Brienne grabs a knife, Jaime puts out his hand to stop her)

Jaime Lannister: It would be- if you honestly believe my father would never find out about it.

Roose Bolton: King Robb is keeping your father quite busy- he doesn't have time for anything else.

Jaime Lannister: (smiles coldly)...He'll make time for you.

Roose Bolton:...As soon as you're well enough to travel, I will allow you to go to King's Landing- as restitution for the mistakes my soldiers made. (nods at Jaime's missing hand) And you will swear to tell your father the truth- that I had nothing to do with your maiming.

Jaime Lannister: (nods slowly, picks up a wine-jug and offers to fill Roose's cup)...Shall we drink on it?

Roose Bolton: (covers his cup with his hand) I don't partake.

Jaime Lannister: (shrugs, refills Brienne's cup and his own) You do understand how suspicious that is to ordinary people? Very well. (toasts Brienne) My lady- may our journey continue without further incident.

Roose Bolton: Oh, she won't be going with you. (Brienne looks up at him sharply)

Brienne of Tarth: I am charged with bringing Ser Jaime to-

Roose Bolton: You are charged with abetting treason.

Jaime Lannister: I'm afraid I must insist-

Roose Bolton: You're in no place to insist on anything. (nods at Jaime's injury) I would've hoped you'd learned your lesson about overplaying your...position.

Olenna Tyrell: Impossible

Tywin Lannister: ...Why? (pours wine)

Olenna Tyrell: My grandson is the pride of Highgarden, the most desirable bachelor in the whole Seven Kingdoms! Your daughter-

Tywin Lannister: is rich, the most beautiful woman in the whole Seven Kingdoms- (walks over and hands her a cup of wine)- and the mother of the king. (turns away)

Olenna Tyrell: Old.

Tywin Lannister: (turns around)...Old?

Olenna Tyrell: (smiles mockingly, nods) Old. I'm something of an expert on the subject. (Tywin stares at her, then moves to his desk and sits across from her) Her change will be upon her, before long. I'll spare you the details of what will happen then- you men may have a stomach for bloodshed and slaughter, but this is another matter entirely. (chuckles)

Tywin Lannister: (smiles wryly) Oh, the years punish us as well, I promise you that. (takes a drink) My stomach remains quite strong, however. The only thing that might turn it are details of your grandson's... nocturnal activities. Do you deny them?

Olenna Tyrell: Oh, not at all! A sword-swallower, through and through. (takes a drink)

Tywin Lannister: (curtly) Well, a boy with his affliction should be grateful for the opportunity to marry the most beautiful woman in the Seven Kingdoms, and remove the stain from his name. (takes a drink)

Olenna Tyrell: Did you grow up with boy cousins, Lord Tywin? Sons of your father's bannermen, squires, stableboys?

Tywin Lannister: (confused) Of course...

Olenna Tyrell: And you... never...

Tywin Lannister: (realizes what she's getting at, turns angry) No.

Olenna Tyrell: (grins mischievously) Not once? Not in any way?

Tywin Lannister: (sharply) Never. (takes a drink)

Olenna Tyrell: I congratulate you on your restraint! But, it's a natural enough thing, two boys having a go at each other beneath the sheets.

Tywin Lannister: (contemptuously) Perhaps Highgarden has a high tolerance for unnatural behavior.

Olenna Tyrell: (smiles coldly) I wouldn't say that. True, we don't tie ourselves into knots over a discreet bit of buggery, but... brothers and sisters... where I come from, that stain would be very difficuly to wash out.

Tywin Lannister: (angrily) I will not breathe further life into a malicious lie by discussing it. (stands up, walks to the window to refill his cup)

Olenna Tyrell: Lie or not, you must admit that many people find it quite convincing. Convincing enough to put swords in their hands and send them off to kill Lannisters and Tyrells, thanks to our new affiliation.

Tywin Lannister: I don't care what people believe- and neither do you. (he moves to refill Olenna's cup, but Olenna covers it with her hand)

Olenna Tyrell: (laughs) As an authority on myself, I must disagree!

Tywin Lannister: (moves around the desk) Now, if the rumors about my children were true, then Joffrey is no King at all- and House Tyrell is throwing it's prize flower into the dirt.

Olenna Tyrell: And, if Cersei is too old to give Loras children, we are throwing another "prize flower" into the dirt. It is a chance we simply cannot take!

Tywin Lannister: (smiles coldly) The uncertainty makes you uncomfortable? All right- I'll remove it for you. (goes around the desk, sits down) If you refuse to marry Loras to Cersei, I will name him to the Kingsguard. (Olenna stares at him) And, I'm sure you're familiar with the Kingsguard's vows. He will never marry, he will never have children, the Tyrell name will fade- and Highgarden will go to the children of Joffrey and Margaery.

Olenna Tyrell: (staring at him curiously) You would have your grandson protected by someone who disgusts you?

Tywin Lannister: I would have my grandson protected by a skilled warrior- who takes his vows seriously. (dips his quill in the ink) So- shall I draw up the order- or do you consent to this match?

Olenna Tyrell: (sets her wineglass down, stands up and smiles graciously, conceding defeat) It's a rare enough thing- a man who lives up to his reputation. (plucks the quill from Tywin's fingers and snaps it in half)

Tormund Giantsbane: Used to be that you couldn't find a tree within a mile of the Wall- Crows'd come out every morning, with axes.

Orrell: (to Jon, mockingly) Your flock gets smaller every year. (walks on with Tormund)

Jon Snow: (to Ygritte)...Have you ever climbed it before?

Ygritte: No- but Tormund's done it half a hundred times. (notices Jon staring up at the Wall) You're afraid.

Jon Snow: (smiles) Aren't you?

Ygritte: Aye. Well, it's a long way up, and a long way down, but... I've waited my whole life to see the world from up there. (Jon glances at her and she smiles, pulling out a set of climbing spikes) Here, sit down- brought a pair for you. They're too big for you, but they're good.

Jon Snow: You kill someone for them?

Ygritte: (smiles) Nah. I didn't kill him- but I bet his balls are still bruised. (Jon chuckles and starts tying on the climbing spikes) He wasn't good to me, the way you're good to me- and he didn't do that thing you do with your tongue.

Jon Snow: (glances around hastily) Hey, can we not talk about that here?

Ygritte: "Can we not talk about that here? I'm Jon Snow- I've killed dead men and Qhorin Halfhand, but I'm scared of naked girls!"

Jon Snow: (grins) Did I seem scared the other day?

Ygritte: (laughs) Oh, you were tremblin' like a leaf.

Jon Snow: Only in the beginning. (Ygritte looks at him and smiles)

Ygritte: (nods)...Only in the beginning. (Jon looks away from her) You're a proper lover, Jon Snow. And, don't worry- your secret's safe with me.

Jon Snow: (looks up at her) What secret?

Ygritte: (stares at him) D'you think I'm as dumb as all those girls in silk dresses you knew growing up? (Jon smiles and looks away) You're loyal, and you're brave...You didn't stop being a Crow, the day you walked into Mance Rayder's tent. (Jon pauses, she comes close to him) But I'm your woman now, Jon Snow. (Jon looks at her) You're goin' to be loyal to your woman. (she finishes tying the spikes on his boots) The Night's Watch don't care, if you live or die. Mance Rayder don't care if I live or die. We're just soldiers in their armies, and there's plenty more to carry on if we go down. (pause) But it's you and me that matters- me and you. (pause) Don't ever betray me.

Jon Snow: (turns back to her, squeezes her hand)...I won't.

Ygritte: (jokingly)...Because, I'll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it 'round me neck. ( Tormund comes back over to them and offers Jon an ice-axe, which Jon takes)

Tormund Giantsbane: (puts his hand on Jon's shoulder) Sink your metal deep- and make sure it holds, before taking your next step. (jokingly) And, if you fall, don't scream. (chuckles) You don't want that to be the last thing she remembers, eh?

[Ramsay Snow blows on a trumpet, awakening Theon, who is hanging from a rack]

Ramsay: Sorry. Were you sleeping?

Theon: Wa...

Ramsay: Wa? Wa? Water! You want some water.

[Ramsay grabs a cup of water]

Ramsay: I wish I had some for you.

[Ramsay pours the water on the ground in front of an anguished Theon. Ramsay walks up to him]

Ramsay: So let's play a game. Which body part do you need the least?

Theon: Please...

Ramsay: Please is not a body part.

Theon: I'll tell you everything, please...

Ramsay: But you already told me everything, remember? Your daddy was mean to you. The Starks didn't appreciate you. One good bit, though: the Stark boys, they're still alive. Wouldn't that be a hunt to remember? You failed, but I'm a better hunter than you. Now, how about your little finger? You don't need that for much, do you? No? Good. Let's start with that.

[Ramsay begins loosening the binds on Theon's right hand]

Ramsay: You've been wondering why you're here, haven't you? Where you are, who I am, why I'm doing this to you. So guess. If you guess right, I'll tell you. By the Old Gods and the New, I swear it. You win the game if you can figure out who I am and why I'm torturing you, and I win the game if you beg me to cut off your finger!

Theon: If I win, you'll let me go?

Ramsay: If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.

Theon: Please...

Ramsay: [pulling out a knife] You say please again and you'll wish you hadn't. You first. Where are we?

Theon: The North.

Ramsay: Too vague.

Theon: Deepwood Motte.

Ramsay: Terrible guess!

[Ramsay jams the knife in Theon's little finger. Theon groans in pain]

Ramsay: Now where?

Theon: Last Hearth.

Ramsay: Do I look like a fucking Umber to you?

[Ramsay moves the blade around]

Theon: Aaaah, the Karhold!

Ramsay: Karhold? How did you know that? Did you see any banners flying when we came in?

Theon: No, it was just a guess.

Ramsay: Very good, Lord Theon. And who am I?

Theon: Torrhen Karstark.

Ramsay: He's dead. Strangled by the Kingslayer.

Ramsay: He was your brother. Your father is Lord Rickard Karstark.

[A defeated Ramsay sits back down]

Theon: You swore to tell me if I-!

Ramsay: You're right.

Theon: Lord Rickard Karstark is Robb Stark's bannerman. I betrayed Robb. That's why you're torturing me.

Ramsay: Yes. You win.

[Theon breathes a sigh of relief. Suddenly, Ramsay springs back to his feet]

Ramsay: Of course you forgot to ask one question. You forgot to ask if I'm a liar!

[Ramsay sticks his knife back into Theon's little finger, causing Theon to scream in agony]

Ramsay: I'm afraid I am.

[Ramsay begins carving Theon's skin on his little finger]

Ramsay: Everything I told you is a lie.

[Ramsay begins to peel off Theon's little finger skin. Theon screams in absolute pain]

Ramsay: This isn't happening to you for a reason. Well, one reason: I enjoy it.

Theon: PLEASE CUT IT OFF, CUT IT OFF, CUT IT OFF, AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Ramsay: I win.

Edmure Tully: (to Robb, on Walder Frey) Why should I let that old ferret choose my bride for me? At the very least, I should be offered the same choice you were- I'm his liege-lord!

Robb Stark: He's a proud man, and we've wounded him-

Edmure Tully: I didn't wound him. (gets up, walks to the window) My answer is no. (Brynden "Blackfish" Tully gets up and approaches him aggressively)

Brynden Tully: Listen to me- and listen very carefully: You are-

Edmure Tully: The laws of Gods and men are very clear: "No man may compel another man to marry."

Brynden Tully: The laws of my fist are about to compel your teeth!

Robb Stark: It's all right- you heard him. If you refuse, our alliance with the Freys is dead.

Edmure Tully: He's wanted me for one of his daughters since I was twelve! (goes over to the table) He's not gonna stop wanting me now! When I say no, he will come back and offer me a daughter of my choosing.

Catelyn Stark: You're willing to risk our freedom and our lives for a chance at a prettier wife?! (Edmure continues to look defiant)

Robb Stark: I have a war to fight! We can't win it without them- we have no time to haggle! (pause) You said you wanted to make ammends for the stone-mill.

Brynden Tully: (mockingly) You recall that heroic engagement?

Edmure Tully: ...I had- something less... permanent in mind-

Robb Stark: I've won every battle. But I'm losing this war. If we don't do this, and do it now, we're lost.

Edmure Tully:...I'll marry her.

Robb Stark: (smiles gratefully) You're paying for my sins, Uncle. It's not fair, all right- I'll remember it.

[Littlefinger is sitting, staring at the Iron Throne]

Varys: A thousand blades. Taken from the hands of Aegon's fallen enemies, forged in the fiery breath of Balerion the Dread.

Littlefinger: There aren't a thousand blades. There aren't even two hundred. I've counted.

Varys: Heh. I'm sure you have. Ugly old thing.

Littlefinger: Yet it has a certain... appeal.

Varys: The Lysa Arryn of chairs. Shame that you had to settle for your second choice.

Littlefinger: Early days, my friend. It is flattering, really, you feeling such dread at the prospect of me getting what I want.

Varys: Thwarting you has never been my primary ambition, I promise you... although who doesn't like to see their friends fail now and then.

Littlefinger: [stepping down from the dais] You're so right. For instance, when I thwarted your plan to give Sansa Stark to the Tyrells... if, I'm going to be honest, I did feel an unmistakeable sense of... enjoyment there. But your confidante, the one who fed you information about my plans, the one you swore to protect, you didn't bring her any enjoyment. And she didn't bring me any enjoyment. She was a bad investment on my part. Luckily, I have a friend who wanted to try something new. Something daring. And he was so grateful to me for providing this fresh experience.

Varys: [angrily] I did what I did for the good of the realm.

Littlefinger: The realm. Do you know what the realm is? It's the thousand blades of Aegon's enemies, a story we agreed to tell each other over and over 'till we forget that it's a lie.

Varys: But what do we have left once we abandon the lie? Chaos. A gaping pit waiting to swallow us all.

Littlefinger: Chaos... isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, who are given the chance to climb, they refuse. They cling to the realm. Or the gods. Or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.

The Bear and the Maiden Fair [3.07][edit]

Ygritte: How far are we?

Jon Snow: 'Bout a week, I think.

Ygritte: You think? You don't know?

Jon Snow: When we went to Castle Black, we took the Kingsroad.

Ygritte: (scoffs) You and your roads (sits down) Is that how you lot do your fighting? You march down a road, banging drums and waving banners?

Jon Snow: (smiles, sits down) Most of the time, yes.

Ygritte:...How do the men holding the banners fight?

Jon Snow: They don't, really. It's a great honor to carry a house sigil.

Ygritte: (grins) And the drummers? Is that a great honor too?

Jon Snow: Usually, it's the young boys bangin' the drums.

Ygritte: What good are they?

Jon Snow: They help the men march.

Ygritte: How?

Jon Snow: Well, it's- it's the rhythm

Ygritte: (laughing) What, you mean- right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot-(mimics marching) What, you need help remembering that? (pause) When Mance gives the signal and we hit Castle Black, we won't be banging on drums to let 'em know we're coming. (gets up)

Jon Snow: (stands) No. No, you're just gonna light the biggest fire the North has ever seen- to let them know you're coming.

Ygritte:...You know nothing, Jon Snow. (she walks on)

Orrell: She's right- you don't. (walks up behind Jon, who turns towards him angrily)

Jon Snow: (coldly) I know you cut me loose on the Wall.

Orrell: Cut her loose, too. Do you see her sulking about it? That's because she understands the way things are.

Jon Snow: (steps closer, mockingly)...And are you gonna share it with me? The deep wisdom you found inside the head of a bird?

Orrell:...People work together, when it suits 'em. They're loyal when it suits 'em. They love each other when it suits 'em- and they kill each other, when it suits 'em. (pause) She knows that, you don't- which is why you'll never hold onto her. (walks on)

Orrell: Think he loves you, is that it? What'd he tell you- he's gonna make you his Lady and live with you in some castle?

Ygritte: No, he didn't tell me anything. He barely talks-

Orrell: I see you two whispering in the night, gigglin' like a pair of girls-

Ygritte:(scoffs) You're jealous?

Orrell: 'Course I'm jealous. You should be with one of your own.

Ygritte:(scornfully) And you're one of my own? I've never heard a kind word from your mouth-

Orrell: (grabs her shoulder) You would. If you were mine. I'd tell you that you're beautiful... and fierce...and wild. (Ygritte stares at him) I'd be good to you. (pause, Ygritte looks away)...You love him? (pause, Ygritte looks back defiantly and nods) 'Cause he's pretty, is that it? (Ygritte glares at him) You like his pretty hair an' his pretty eyes? You think pretty's gonna make you happy? (Ygritte turns away and he grabs her arm)

Ygritte: (angrily) Don't touch me-

Orrell: You won't love him so much, when you find out what he really is. (releases her and walks on)

Jon Snow: Ygritte... you won't win. (Ygritte stares at him) I know your people are brave- no one denies that.

Ygritte: You know nothing-

Jon Snow: Six times in the last thousand years, a King-beyond-the-Wall has attacked the Kingdoms. Six times they've failed.

Ygritte: And how do you know that?

Jon Snow: Every boy in the North knows it. We grow up learning it- where the battles were fought, the names of the heroes, who died where- Six times you've invaded, and six times you've failed. The seventh will be the same-

Ygritte: Mance is different-

Jon Snow: You don't have the discipline! You don't have the training- your army is no army! You don't know how to fight together!

Ygritte: (sharply) You don't know that-

Jon Snow: (sadly) I do! I know it! If you attack the Wall, you'll die- all of you!

Ygritte: (stares at Jon for a moment, then comes close to him)...All of us. (she pushes Jon against a stone and kisses him passionately) You're mine- and I'm yours. If we die, we die- but first, we'll live.

Jon Snow: Yes... first we'll live.

Missandei: Now comes the noble Razdal mo Eraz of that ancient and honorable house, master of men and speaker to savages, to offer terms of peace. [to Razdal] Noble lord, you are in the presence of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons.

Daenerys Targaryen: [to Razdal] You may approach. Sit.

Missandei: Will the noble lord take refreshment? (Razdahl nods and takes an offered cup of wine)

Razdal: Ancient and glorious is Yunkai. Our empire was old before dragons stirred in old Valyria. Many an army has broken against our walls. You shall find no easy conquest here, khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: Good. My Unsullied need practice. I was told to blood them early.

Razdal: [nods] If blood is your desire, blood shall flow. But why? 'Tis true you have committed savageries in Astapor. But the Yunkai are a forgiving and generous people. The Wise Masters of Yunkai have sent a gift for the silver queen. [slaves bring in two chests of gold] There is far more than this awaiting you on the deck of your ship.

Daenerys Targaryen: My ship?

Razdal: Yes, khaleesi. As I said, we are a generous people. You shall have as many ships as you require.

Daenerys Targaryen: And what do you ask in return?

Razdal: All we ask is that you make use of these ships. Sail them back to Westeros where you belong and leave us to conduct our affairs in peace.

Daenerys Targaryen: I have a gift for you as well. Your life.

Razdal: My life?

Daenerys Targaryen: And the lives of your Wise Masters. But I also want something in return. You will release every slave in Yunkai. Every man, woman, and child shall be given as much food, clothing, and property as they can carry as payment for their years of servitude. Reject this gift, and I shall show you no mercy.

Razdal: You are mad. We are not Astapor or Qarth. We are Yunkai and we have powerful friends. Friends who would take great pleasure in destroying you. Those who survive, we shall enslave once more. Perhaps we'll make a slave of you as well. [One of Daenerys' dragons screeches] You swore me safe conduct.

Daenerys Targaryen: I did, but my dragons made no promises. And you threatened their mother.

Razdal: [to his slaves] Take the gold.

[Daenerys' dragons screech and the slaves back away]

Daenerys Targaryen: My gold. You gave it to me, remember? And I shall put it to good use. You'd be wise to do the same with my gift to you. Now get out. [Razdal leaves]

Barristan Selmy: The Yunkish are a proud people. They will not bend.

Daenerys Targaryen: And what happens to things that don't bend?

Melissandre: Haven't you ever wondered where your strength came from? Your talent for fighting?

Gendry: I'm lowborn. As low as can be. My mother was a tavern wench.

Melissandre: Mine was a slave. So was I. Bought and sold, scourged and branded, until the Lord of Light reached down, took me in his hand and raised me up.

Gendry: I was born in Flea Bottom.

Melissandre: Your blood is noble.

Gendry: Are you saying my father, he was some lord or...

Melissandre: There. [nods to the Red Keep] Your father's house.

Gendry: I'm just a bastard.

Melissandre: The bastard of Robert of the House Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men. Why do you think the gold cloaks wanted you? There is power in a king's blood.

Osha: (stares mistrustfully at Jojen, who is talking with Bran as she, Meera and Hodor make camp) What's he goin' on about? And how come he always gets to sit and chat, while we do all the work?

Hodor: (stares at her for a moment)...Hodor. (Osha walks over towards Jojen, Bran and Meera)

Jojen Reed: That's where we are-

Osha: (sharply) What are you tellin' him?

Brandon Stark: It's all right, Osha-

Osha: It's not all right. You think I can't hear you every day? Filling his head with black magic? Talking about visions and three-eyed ravens and worse?

Meera Reed: (rolls her eyes) Leave him alone.

Osha: (glares at her) He can speak for himself. ('looks at Jojen)

Jojen Reed:...I don't fill his head with anything.

Osha: So what d'you talk about?

Jojen Reed: What's happening to him, and...what that means.

Osha: Go on, then. Tell us what it means.

Jojen Reed: It's not like that. I wish that I could tell him all the answers; it would be much easier.

Osha: (points at Bran) I don't want you talking to him anymore- until we get to your brother at Castle Black. (turns away)

Jojen Reed: We're not going to Castle Black-

Osha: (whirls around) What did you say?

Jojen Reed: I told you already- Jon Snow isn't there. Bran needs to find the Raven, beyond the Wall-

Osha: (comes back towards them, furious) Oh, no- I'm not going back there! Your brother is at Castle Black- that's where we're going! (kneels in front of Bran) Look at me. (Bran does)

Brandon Stark:...The raven's been coming to me, ever since I fell from that tower. (Osha sighs) He wants me to find him. I don't have my legs anymore! This is what I have, now.

Osha: (puts her hand on his arm) You have a family. You need to go back to Castle Black, so you can get back to them- where you belong-

Brandon Stark: What if I belong in the North? What if...I fell from that tower for a reason?

Osha: (glares at Jojen) Is that what he's telling you? That it's all for a reason? All these bad things happened, because the Gods got big plans for you? I wish it were true, little Lord, but the Gods wouldn't spare a raven's cold shit for you, or me, or anyone.

Brandon Stark: You don't understand- you don't know-

Osha: (stands up angrily) You don't know! None of you know- none of you have been up there! (her voice begins to break) I had a man, once- a good man. Bruni, his name was. I was his, and he was mine. But one night, Bruni disappears. People said he left me, but I knew him- he'd never leave me. Not for long. I knew he'd come back- and he did. He came in through the back of the hut. (sits down) Only, he wasn't Bruni- not really. His skin was... pale, like a dead man's- his eyes, bluer than clear sky. (the others stare at her) He came at me, grabbed me by the neck, and squeezed so hard I could feel the life slipping out of me. I don't know how I got the knife, but when I did, I stuck it deep into his heart. (pause) And he hardly seemed to notice. I had to burn our hut down, with him inside. (pause) I didn't ask the Gods what it meant. I didn't need to. It meant the North was no place for men to be- not anymore. (stands up) I promised your Maester I'd get you to Castle Black- and no further.

[Tywin enters the Throne Room flanked by four of the Kingsguard, where Joffrey sits on the Iron Throne waiting for him. Halfway across the room, Tywin stops; the Kingsguard leave the room, and Tywin continues towards the dais unescorted]

Tywin Lannister: (stops at the base of the steps leading to the Iron Throne, bows his head slightly) Your Grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: Grandfather.

Tywin Lannister: You wanted to speak to me?

Joffrey Baratheon: Yes! I'd like a report on the meetings of my Small Council.

Tywin Lannister: You're welcome to attend the meetings of your Small Council, Your Grace- any or all of them.

Joffrey Baratheon: (lamely) I've been very busy- many important matters require a King's attention!

Tywin Lannister:...Of course.

Joffrey Baratheon:...You've been holding the Small Council meetings in the Tower of the Hand, instead of the Small Council Chamber.

Tywin Lannister: I have, yes.

Joffrey Baratheon: (impatient)...May I ask why?

Tywin Lannister: The Tower of the Hand is where I work. To walk from there to here would take time- time I could otherwise spend productively-

Joffrey Baratheon: So, if I wanted to attend one of my Small Council meetings, I would now have to climb all the stairs in the Tower of the Hand?! (Tywin's expression grows cold; he climbs the steps of the dais and stands menacingly in front of Joffrey, who fidgets nervously on the Iron Throne.

Tywin Lannister: (contemptuously) ...We could arrange to have you carried. (Joffrey looks away, unable to openly challenge his grandfather)

Joffrey Baratheon:...Tell me about the Targaryen girl in the East, and her dragons.

Tywin Lannister: (surprised) Where did you hear about this?

Joffrey Baratheon: Is it true?

Tywin Lannister: Apparently so.

Joffrey Baratheon: (growing impatient again) Don't you think we ought to do something about it?

Tywin Lannister: When I was Hand of the King under your father's predecessor, the skulls of all the Targaryen dragons were kept in this room- and the skull of the last of them was right here. (gestures next to the throne) It was the size of an apple.

Joffrey Baratheon: And the biggest was the size of a carriage!

Tywin Lannister: Yes- and the creature to whom it belonged died three hundred years ago! Curiosities on the far side of the world are no threat to us-

Joffrey Baratheon: But how do we know these dragons are...curiosities, and not the beasts that brought the whole world to heel?!

Tywin Lannister: Because we have been told as much by the many experts who serve the Realm- by counseling the King, on matters about which he knows nothing.

Joffrey Baratheon: But I haven't been counseled!

Tywin Lannister:...You are being counseled at this very moment.

Joffrey Baratheon: (cowed)...I should be consulted, about such things.

Tywin Lannister: From now on, I will see to it that you are appropriately consulted on important matters..whenever necessary. (starts to walk away, then turns back and bows his head somewhat mockingly) Your Grace. (smiles slightly to himself as he leaves the Throne Room)

Brienne of Tarth: I thought you were gone.

Jaime Lannister: Tomorrow.

Brienne of Tarth: Have they told you what they plan to do with me?

Jaime Lannister: Lord Bolton's traveling tomorrow as well. He's going to the Twins for Edmure Tully's wedding. You're to remain here.

Brienne of Tarth: With Locke?

Jaime Lannister: I owe you a debt.

Brienne of Tarth: When Catelyn Stark released you, we both made a promise to her. Now it's your promise. You gave your word. Keep it and consider the debt paid.

Jaime Lannister: I will return the Stark girls to their mother. I swear it.

Brienne of Tarth: Good-bye, Ser Jaime.

Qyburn:(while treating the stump of Jaime's hand) The only way to understand it is to study the afflicted.

Jaime Lannister: (stares at him) You performed experiments on living men-

Qyburn: On dying men-

Jaime Lannister: Without permission.

Qyburn: My studies have given me insights that have helped me save many lives-

Jaime Lannister: Dying paupers, I assume- men with no families to complain. (angrily) You found them moaning in the poor house, had them carted back to your garret, and opened up their bellies to see what was inside.

Qyburn: (looks at him calmly) How many men have you killed, my Lord? (Jaime is caught off-guard)

Jaime Lannister: (shrugs)...I don't know.

Qyburn: Fifty? (Jaime shakes his head) One hundred? (Jaime shrugs, Qyburn nods knowingly) Countless.

Jaime Lannister:...Countless has a nice ring to it.

Qyburn: (smugly) And how many lives have you saved?

Jaime Lannister:...Half a million. (Qyburn looks up at him, shocked) The population of King's Landing.

Locke: (watching Brienne in a gladiator pit, facing a bear) Well, this is one shameful fucking performance. Stop running and fight! (Jaime appears, followed by Qyburn and a Bolton bodyguard, Steelshanks)

Jaime Lannister: (horrified and furious) A wooden sword?! (Locke glances over at him)

Locke: Thought you'd gone-

Jaime Lannister: You gave her a wooden sword! (shoves past the Bolton bannermen)

Locke: I've only got one bear.

Jaime Lannister: I'll pay her bloody ransom. Gold, sapphires, whatever you want- just get her out of there!

Locke: (sneering) All you Lords and Ladies. You still think that the only thing that matters is gold. (grabs the stump of Jaime's wrist and lifts it in front of him) Well, this makes me happier than all your gold ever could- and that (points at Brienne's predicament) makes me happier than all her sapphires. So- go buy yourself a golden hand, and fuck yourself with it! (turns away)

[In the pit, the bear rears up; Brienne jabs at it with her wooden sword. Irritated, the bear lunges and slashes her shoulder badly, breaking the sword and knocking her down. Suddenly, Jaime climbs the rail and leaps into the pit, trying to draw the bear off her]

Jaime Lannister: Get behind me.

Brienne of Tarth: I will not. (Jaime yanks her behind him anyway. The bear slowly advances on them, growling and scratching the ground aggressively. Suddenly, a crossbow bolt hits it in the shoulder, fired by Steelshanks)

Locke: (furious) The FUCK you doin' to my bear?!

Steelshanks: (reloading his crossbow hastily) Lord Bolton charged me with bringin' him back to King's Landing- alive! An' that's what I intend to do! (Jaime pulls Brienne to the side of the pit while the bear is distracted and in pain)

Jaime Lannister: Pull her up! (two of the Bolton men do so; the bear starts to advance on Jaime, who doesn't take his eyes off it)

Brienne of Tarth: Hold my legs! (the two Bolton men dangle her over the edge as she reaches out to Jaime. As he starts trying to climb one-handed, the bear charges; Jaime's bodyguard fires but misses. Jaime is left dangling just above the bear's open jaws; he finally manages to take Brienne's hand) Pull me back! (the Bolton bannermen pull them both up; other begin to boo at them. Jaime, lying on the rim of the pit, looks up to see Locke glaring down at him)

Locke:...The bitch stays. (Jaime gets up, with difficulty)

Jaime Lannister: I'm taking her to King's Landing- unless you kill me. (Locke clearly wants to do just that; several of his men draw up behind him, aggressively)

Locke: She belongs to me. Lord Bolton's orders-

Jaime Lannister: What do you think is more important to Lord Bolton? Getting his pet rat a reward- or ensuring that Tywin Lannister gets his son back alive? (Brienne stares at Locke in disgust. After a long, tense pause, Locke's men take their hands off their weapons; Locke angrily does the same)...Well, we must be on our way. (starts to go, then pauses and leans towards Locke, mockingly) Sorry about the sapphires. (he and Brienne walk away, followed by Steelshanks and Qyburn)

Second Sons [3.08][edit]

Barristan Selmy: Your Grace, allow me to present the Captains of the Second Sons: Mero of Braavos, Prendahl Na Ghezn, and...

Daario Naharis: (smiles at Dany and bows his head slightly) Daario Naharis.

Mero: (swaggers forward and grins contemptuously at Dany) You're the mother of Dragons? (Dany smiles back) I swear I fucked you, once, in a pleasure house in Lhys-

Jorah Mormont: (angrily) Mind your tongue.

Mero: Why? I didn't mind hers. (sits down on the sofa across from Dany and waggles his tongue at her) She licked my ass like she was born to do it. (grins at her, then gestures to Missandei) You, slave girl- bring wine.

Daenerys Targaryen: (smiles, but coldly) We have no slaves here.

Mero: You'll all be slaves after the battle, unless I save you. (gestures with his chin) Take your clothes off, and come and sit on Mero's lap, and I may give you my Second Sons.

Daenerys Targaryen: Give me your Second Sons, and I may not have you gelded. (Mero scoffs as Missandei pours wine) Ser Barristan, how many men fight for the Second Sons?

Barristan Selmy: Under two thousand, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen: (sarcastically) We have more, don't we?

Barristan Selmy: Ten thousand Unsullied.

Daenerys Targaryen: (still sarcastic) I'm only a young girl, new to the ways of war, but perhaps a seasoned Captain like yourself can explain to me how you propose to defeat us?

Daario Naharis: (smiles) I hope the old man is better with a sword than he is with a lie. (Dany looks at him) You have eight thousand Unsullied. (nods respectfully to her)

Daenerys Targaryen: (sizes Daario up) ...You're very young, to be a Captain.

Prendahl Na Ghezn: (sharply) He isn't a Captain- he's a lieutenant.

Daenerys Targaryen: (looks from Prendahl to Daario, who smiles at her) Even if your numbers are right, you must admit the odds don't favor your side.

Mero: The Second Sons have faced worse odds and won.

Jorah Mormont: (smirks) The Second Sons have faced worse odds and run. (Dany smiles at him)

Daenerys Targaryen: Or, you could fight for me.

Mero: (gestures for Missandei to refill his cup) We've taken the slavers' gold- we fight for Yunkai.

Daenerys Targaryen: I would pay you as much, and more. (Mero sniffs Missandei as she pours wine, Missande jumps back with a look of fear and disgust)

Prendahl Na Ghezn: Our contract is our bond. If we break our bond, no one will hire the Second Sons again.

Daenerys Targaryen: (eagerly) Ride with me, and you'll never need another contract. You'll have gold and castles and lordships of your choosing, when I take back the Seven Kingdoms.

Daario Naharis: You have no ships, you have no siege weapons- you have no cavalry.

Daenerys Targaryen:(looks directly at him) A fortnight ago, I had no army- a year ago, I had no dragons. (Daario smiles, impressed; Dany turns back to Mero) You have two days to decide.

Merot: (frowns for a moment, pretending to take her seriously)...Show me your cunt. I want to see if it's worth fighting for- (Jorah stiffens angrily)

Grey Worm: (harshly, in Valyrian) My Queen, shall I slice out his tongue for you? (reaches for the bronze dagger in his belt)

Daenerys Targaryen: (smiles, replies in Valyrian) These men are our guests. (turns back to Mero) You seem to be enjoying my wine- perhaps you'd like a flagon to help you think it over?

Mero: Only a flagon? And what are my brothers-in-arms to drink?

Daenerys Targaryen: A barrel, then?

Mero: Good! The Titan's Bastard does not drink alone (gets up, smiles mockingly) In the Second Sons, we share everything- maybe after the battle, we'll all share you. (Dany smirks back at him, noticing Daario smiling at her as he leaves. Mero goes up to Missandei) I'll come looking for you after this is over. (slaps her rear end and leaves, Missandei, disgusted, looks up at Dany, whose smile has vanished)

Daenerys Targaryen: (coldly) Ser Barristan- if it comes to battle, kill that one first.

Barristan Selmy: Gladly, Your Grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: Congratulations, my lady.

Sansa Stark: Thank you, your Grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: We've done it. You've married a Lannister! Soon you will have a Lannister baby. It's a dream come true for you, isn't it? What a glorious day!

Sansa Stark: Yes, your grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: I suppose it doesn't really matter which Lannister puts the baby into you.

[Sansa is visibly unnerved]

Joffrey Baratheon: Maybe I'll pay you a visit after my uncle passes out. How'd you like that?

[Sansa doesn't answer.]

Joffrey Baratheon: You wouldn't? Well, that's all right. Ser Meryn and Ser Boris will hold you down.

[Joffrey turns to the crowd and claps his hands.]

Joffrey Baratheon: Time for the bedding ceremony!

Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.

Joffrey: (leading Sansa by the hand) Where's your respect for tradition, uncle?! Come, everyone! Pick her up, and carry her to her wedding bed! Get rid of her gown, she won't be needing it any longer! (A visibly horrified Sansa crosses her arms as Joffrey points towards Tyrion.) Ladies! Attend to my uncle, he's not heavy!

Tyrion Lannister: There will be no bedding ceremony.

Joffrey Baratheon: (annoyed) There will be if I command it!

[Tyrion angrily slams his dagger into the table, startling Joffrey, and eliciting horrified silence from the wedding-goers]

Tyrion Lannister: (furious) Then you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock!

[Tywin, sensing danger, gets to his feet.]

Joffrey: [Shocked, and seething] What did you say?... What...Did you. SAY!?

[Tyrion glares back at him, both of them shaking with rage.]

Tywin Lannister: I believe we can dispense with the bedding ceremony, Your Grace. I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the king. (Tyrion visibly swallows his anger and grins)

Tyrion Lannister: (laughs) A bad joke, Your Grace. Made out of envy of your own royal manhood. Mine is so small, my poor wife won't even know I'm there.

Tywin Lannister: Your uncle is clearly quite drunk, Your Grace.

Tyrion Lannister: I am...guilty. (Drinks more wine.) But... (gets out of his chair, clumsily) But, it is my wedding night. My tiny junk cock and I have a job to do. (Tyrion staggers around the table, bumps into it and turns to Sansa.) Come wife. (Sansa hastily moves away from Joffrey and follows Tyrion) I vomited on a girl once. Middle of the act. Not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and wife. Don't you agree? Come, I'll tell you all about it- put you in the mood.

[Tyrion and Sansa leave for their bed-chamber as the crowd looks on, mumbling over what just happened.]

[Tyrion and Sansa enter their wedding bed-chamber, and after an awkward pause Tyrion- already quite drunk- makes for the bottle of wine]

Sansa Stark:...Is that wise, my Lord?

Tyrion Lannister: Tyrion, Sansa- my name is Tyrion. (pours himself a cup)

Sansa Stark:...Is that wise, Tyrion?

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles ironically) Nothing was ever wiser. (staggers over to a sofa, sits upright with difficulty, and looks at Sansa, who is looking around the room nervously) Astoundingly long...

Sansa Stark: What?

Tyrion Lannister:...Neck. You have one. (sips from his cup) How old are you, exactly?

Sansa Stark: Fourteen. (Tyrion stares at her in horror)

Tyrion Lannister:...Well, talk won't make you any older. (pause, he stands up awkwardly) My lord father has commanded me to consummate this marriage.

[Sansa pauses, clearly scared, then pours herself a cup of wine and hastily drinks it; Tyrion gloomily toasts her and drinks as well. She goes over to the bedside and begins removing her wedding dress slowly. Tyrion watches her the entire time, looking increasingly uncomfortable. Sansa finally removes the dress and is about to strip off her nightgown]

Tyrion Lannister: (shakes his head)...Stop. (Sansa turns around, looking at him in surprise and relief) I can't... I could, but I won't. (chuckles ruefully to himself)

Sansa Stark: But, your father-

Tyrion Lannister: (angrily) If my father wants someone to get fucked, I know where he can start. (shakes his head again) I won't share your bed. Not until you want me to.

Sansa Stark:...What if I never want you to?

Tyrion Lannister: (pause, then grins and raises his goblet in a mocking toast) ..."And so my Watch begins." (drains the cup, then staggers back onto the sofa and passes out)

[Davos is in his cell teaching himself to read, with a book given to him by Stannis' daughter Shireen, when he hears Stannis approaching; he puts the book away]

Davos Seaworth: Your Grace! (stands up)

Stannis Baratheon: They feeding you enough?

Davos Seaworth: Two meals a day- cold for breakfast, hot for supper. I cannot complain.

Stannis Baratheon:...You don't belong in a place like this.

Davos Seaworth: Well, sad to say, but I've seen worse. (Stannis grunts and nods, looking around the cells)

Stannis Baratheon:...I'm sorry about your son. I never got the chance to tell you before. Good lad- loyal lad. (Davos nods sadly) Melisandre's returned.

Davos Seaworth: I didn't know she'd been gone.

Stannis Baratheon: Came back with a bastard boy- Robert's bastard boy.

Davos Seaworth: Why?

Stannis Baratheon: She says "power in king's blood."

Davos Seaworth: (stares at him)...She's going to kill him.

Stannis Baratheon: Sacrifice him.

Davos Seaworth: Forgive me, Your Grace, I'm not a learned man, but is there a difference between kill and sacrifice?! The boy's your nephew.

Stannis Baratheon: What of it? We're at war. Why should I spare the son of some tavern slut Robert bedded one drunken night?

Davos Seaworth: Because he has your blood in his veins. (Stannis looks directly at him, visibly uncertain)

Stannis Baratheon:...So did Renly.

Davos Seaworth:...Renly wronged you. Renly declared himself king when the throne belonged to you. He raised an army, stole your bannermen. This boy's done you no harm. He's an innocent-

Stannis Baratheon: How many boys live in Westeros? How many girls? How many men? How many women? "The darkness will devour them all", she says, "the night that never ends." Unless I triumph. (pause) I never asked for this- no more than I asked to be King. We do not choose our destiny, but we must do our duty, no? Great or small, we must do our duty. (pause) What's one bastard boy against a kingdom?

Davos Seaworth:...Your Grace, why did you come to see me, today?

Stannis Baratheon: I came to free you. If you swear to never raise your hand to the Lady Melisandre again.

Davos Seaworth: (nods) ...I swear it. I can't swear never to speak against her-

Stannis Baratheon: (exasperated) You have little regard for your own life. (Davos nods)

Davos Seaworth: Quite little, Your Grace. Verging on none. (Stannis nods ruefully, pause) You could've freed me yesterday, or tomorrow... but you came to me now, before this boy is put to the knife, because... you knew I'd counsel restraint. You came to hear me say it, because you believe it yourself. (Stannis meets his gaze) You're not a man who slaughters innocents, for gain or glory. (pause, leans against the wall) When my son was five, he said to me, "I don't ever want to die." I wanted to say to him, "You won't child- you won't ever." I hated the idea of him lying awake in the dark, afraid. (pause) I think mothers and fathers made up the Gods... because they wanted their children to sleep through the night.

Stannis Baratheon:...I saw a vision in the flames. A great battle in the snow... I saw it. And you saw whatever she gave birth to. (Davos looks up at him sharply) I never believed, but- when you see the truth- when it's right there in front of you, as real as these iron bars... how can you deny her God is real?

Margaery Tyrell: [to Cersei, as they prepare for the wedding] You look radiant, your Grace.

Cersei Lannister: Radiant? Why radiant?

Margaery Tyrell: It's word that came to mind. [Cersei smiles, though falsely, and Margaery takes her arm] We're going to be sisters soon, we should be friends.

Cersei Lannister: You're a musical girl, aren't you? I imagine you have a lovely voice.

Margaery Tyrell: A better dancer, than a singer, I'm afraid.

Cersei Lannister: Ah, but you know the song, the Rains of Castamere?

Margaery Tyrell: Of course. They play it so often here at court.

Cersei Lannister: So you know the story of House Reyne of Castamere?

Margaery Tyrell: Not as well as you, I'm sure.

Cersei Lannister: House Reyne was a powerful family. Very wealthy. Second wealthiest in Westeros. Aren't the Tyrells the second wealthiest family in Westeros now? Of course, ambitious climbers don't want to stop on the second highest rung. If only you could take that final step. You'd see further than all the rest. You'd be alone with nothing but blue sky above you. So Lord Reyne built a castle, as grand as Casterly Rock. He gave his wife diamonds, larger than any my mother ever wore. And finally, one day, he rebelled against my father. Do you know where House Reyne is now?

Margaery Tyrell: Gone?

Cersei Lannister: Gone? [menacingly] A gentle word. Why not say slaughtered? Every man, woman and child, put to the sword. I remember seeing their bodies hanging high above the gates of Casterly Rock. My father let them rot up there all summer. It was a long summer. [Quoting "Rains of Castamere] And now the rains weep o'er their halls, and not a soul to hear." [Takes Margaery's hand, looks into her eyes, and speaks in a cold tone] If you ever call me "sister" again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep.

The Rains of Castamere [3.09][edit]

Osha: Where are we?

Brandon Stark: The Gift, I think. Brandon the Builder gave all this land south of the Wall to the Night's Watch, for their sustenance and support (pause) Maester Luwin taught me that.

Jojen Reed: (glances around) Doesn't seem to be supporting anyone, at the moment.

Meera Reed: It's good land! And there's no war up here. (Bran glances at her) Why leave?

Brandon Stark: Wildlings. (he glances guiltily at Osha) Sorry. But they come over the Wall and raid, steal, carry off women.

Rickon Stark: Old Nan said they turn your skull into a cup and drink your own blood from it. (he glances at Osha, who stares back at him impassively) That's what Old Nan said.

Jojen Reed: (glances at the sky) There's a storm coming.

Brandon Stark: I don't see any- (he's cut off by a distant clap of thunder; Hodor looks terrified)

Meera Reed: (indicates the nearby windmill she was scouting) This place is as good shelter as any. (they start towards the windmill)

Osha: (ruffles Rickon's hair teasingly) We can drink some blood while we wait- I don't need much.

Jorah Mormont: (enters the tent with Grey Worm, both battered and bloodied but unhurt) It was just as you said. They did not believe until it was too late. (grins) Their slave-soldiers threw down their spears and surrendered! (Dany smiles momentarily, then looks worried)

Daenerys Targaryen: And- Daario Naharis? (Jorah looks disconcerted. Suddenly, Daario enters the tent, bearing the torn Yunkish banner)

Daario Naharis: (kneels before Dany) The City is yours, my Queen.

Walder Frey: My honored guests, be welcome within my walls and at my table. I extend to you my hospitality and my protection in the light of the Seven.

Robb Stark: Thank you for your hospitality, my lord. I've come to make my apologies, my lord, and to beg your forgiveness.

Walder Frey: Don't beg my forgiveness, your grace. It wasn't me you spurned, it was my girls.

[Walder summons his daughters and granddaughters as Edmure Tully looks on anxiously to see if any of them turn out to be his intended, Roslin.]

Walder Frey: One of them was supposed to be queen. Now none of them are. This is Arwaya, my daughter, my daughter Walda, my daughter Derwa, my daughter Waldra. My eldest granddaughters Janeya and Neyela. Serra and Sarra, granddaughters, twins. You could have had either. You could have both for all I care. My granddaughter Marianne, my granddaughter Freya, my granddaughter...Wertha? Walra? Waldina?

Merry Frey: I'm Merry.

Walder Frey: Fine. And here's my youngest daughter, Shirei. Though she hasn't bled yet, clearly you don't have the patience for all that.

Robb Stark: My ladies, all men should keep their word. Kings most of all. I was pledged to marry one of you and I broke that vow. The fault is not with you. Any man would be lucky to have any one of you. I did what I did not to slight you but because I loved another. I know these words cannot set right the wrong I've done to you and your house. I beg your forgiveness and pledge to do all I can to make amends so the Freys of the Crossing and the Starks of Winterfell may once again be friends.

[A bemused Walder claps his hands.]

Walder Frey: Very good.

Catelyn Stark: (on her brother, Edmure Tully) He complained about this marriage the entire way from Riverrun- and now, look at him.

Brynden "Blackfish" Tully: The Gods love to reward a fool.

Catelyn Stark: (laughs) Uncle!

Brynden Tully: (grins) What?! He's my nephew, I love him- and, he's a damn fool. (next to them, Roose Bolton prevents a servant girl from pouring him wine)

Catelyn Stark: Don't you drink, Lord Bolton?

Roose Bolton: Never do, my Lady- dulls the senses.

Brynden Tully: That's the point. Didn't you marry one of these Frey girls?

Roose Bolton: Aye- Lord Walder let me choose any of his granddaughters- and promised me the girl's weight in silver as a dowry. So, I have a fat young bride. (Brynden sniggers)

Catelyn Stark: (seriously) I hope she makes you very happy.

Roose Bolton: Well, she's made me very rich.

Brynden Tully: Pardon, my Lord, my Lady- I need to find a tree to piss on. (leaves)

Walder Frey: [To Robb] Your Grace, I fear I've been, remiss in my duties. I've given you meat and wine and music, but, I haven't shown you the hospitality you deserve. My king has married and I owe my new queen a wedding gift. [Catelyn notices Roose Bolton is wearing mail, and slaps him]

Catelyn: Robb! [Turns just as Lothar Frey stabs Talisa in the stomach, and the other Freys proceed to attack the northmen; Catelyn and Robb are both wounded by crossbow bolts. As the slaughter winds down, Robb- injured in the shoulder- crawls across the room to Talisa's body]

Walder Frey: The King in the North arises!

Catelyn Stark: [Holding a knife to Jeyhousse's throat] Lord Walder! Lord Walder, enough! 'Let it end! Please! He is my son, my first son! Let him go and I swear we will forget this, I swear it by the old gods and the new, we will take no vengeance!

Walder Frey: You already swore me one oath, right here in my castle. You swore by all the gods that your son would marry my daughter!

Catelyn Stark: Take me for your hostage! But let Robb go. [Turning to Robb, who is holding Talisa's body on the ground] Robb get up, get up and walk out, please! Please!

Walder Frey: And why would I let him do that?

Catelyn Stark: [Turning back to Walder Frey] On my honor as a Tully, On my honor as a Stark! Let Robb go, or I will cut your wife's throat!

Walder Frey: [Shrugs] I'll find another.

Robb Stark: [Stands up weakly] Mother...

Roose Bolton: [Walks up to Robb and holds him on the shoulder] The Lannisters send their regards.

[Roose stabs Robb through the heart with his longsword. Robb gasps for breath and falls back dead on the ground. Catelyn screams in anguish as she cuts Jeyhousse's throat. She drops the knife as her face goes blank, she is left standing there before Black Walder comes up behind her and slits her throat]

Mhysa [3.10][edit]

[Tyrion enters the Tower of the Hand to find Varys, Tywin, Pycelle and Cersei waiting for him; Joffrey enters the room, grinning smugly]

Tyrion Lannister: (glares at Joffrey as he sits down) Killed a few puppies today?

Joffrey Baratheon: (gestures to Pycelle) Show him- go on, show him! (Pycelle takes out a small scroll and holds it out, but deliberately drops it when Tyrion reaches for it)

Pycelle: Ohhh! I'm sorry, my Lord- old fingers. (Tyrion rolls his eyes, picks up the note and unrolls it)

Tyrion Lannister: (reading) "Roslin caught a fine fat trout. Her brothers gave her a pair of wolf pelts for her wedding. Signed Walder Frey." Is that bad poetry, or is it supposed to mean something?

Joffrey Baratheon: (gleefully) Robb Stark is dead! And his bitch mother! (Tyrion looks startled, Joffrey turns to Pycelle) Write back to Lord him for his service and command him to send Robb Stark's head to me. I'm going to serve it to Sansa at my wedding feast.

[this suggestion is met with disgust by the council]

Varys: Your Grace, Lady Sansa is your aunt by marriage.

Cersei Lannister: A joke. Joffrey did not mean it.

Joffrey Baratheon: Yes, I did. I'm going to have it served to Sansa at my wedding feast.

Tyrion Lannister: No. She is no longer yours to torment.

Joffrey Baratheon: Everyone is mine to torment. You'd do well to remember that, you little monster.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, I'm a monster?! Perhaps you should speak to me more softly, then. Monsters are dangerous and just now kings are dying like flies.

[The council are aghast by this threat, though Varys gives an amused smile and Tywin remains unperturbed]

Joffrey Baratheon: I could have your tongue out for saying that!

Cersei Lannister: Let him make his threats. Hmm? He's a bitter little man.

Pycelle: Lord Tyrion should apologize immediately. Unacceptable, disrespectful, and in very bad taste!

Joffrey Baratheon: I am the king! (Varys rolls his eyes) I will punish you!

Tywin Lannister: (rolls his eyes) Any man who must say, "I am the king" is no true king. I'll make sure you understand that when I've won your war for you.

Joffrey Baratheon: My father won the real war! He killed Prince Rhaegar- He took the crown, while you hid under Casterly Rock!

[There is a long, tense silence, as the council wait to see how Tywin will respond to such a shocking insult; Tyrion watches eagerly to see which of the two relatives he despises the most will win. After he takes a second to contemplate his words to his grandfather, even Joffrey shows muted terror. But although Tywin's gaze never leaves Joffrey, he remains completely calm, and continues to betray no emotion]

Tywin Lannister: The king is tired. See him to his chambers.

Cersei Lannister: [quickly] Come along.

Joffrey Baratheon: I'm not tired.

Cersei Lannister: We have so much to celebrate. A wedding to plan. You must rest.

Tywin Lannister: Grand Maester, perhaps some essence of nightshade to help him sleep.

Joffrey Baratheon: I'm not... tired!

[Tywin smirks at Joffrey.]

Cersei Lannister: Come.

[Joffrey leaves with his mother without any further protest, and the rest of the Small Council try to leave as well.]

Tywin Lannister: [To Tyrion] Not you.

Tyrion Lannister: (with grudging admiration) You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.

Tywin Lannister: You're a fool if you believe he's the most powerful man in Westeros.

Tyrion Lannister: (sarcastically) A treasonous statement! Joffrey is king.

Tywin Lannister: You really think a crown gives you power?

Tyrion Lannister: No, I think armies give you power. (Tywin nods) Robb Stark had one, never lost a battle, and you defeated him all the same. [Tywin nods again] Oh, I know. Walder Frey gets all the credit- or the blame, I suppose, depending on your allegiance. (Tywin smiles slightly, pause) Walder Frey is many things, but a brave man? No. He never would have risked such an action, unless he had certain assurances...

Tywin Lannister: Which he got from me. Do you disapprove?

Tyrion Lannister: I'm all for cheating, this is war. But to slaughter them at a wedding...

Tywin Lannister: Explain to me why it is more noble to kill ten thousand men in battle than a dozen at dinner.

Tyrion Lannister: (sarcastically) So that's why you did it- to save lives?

Tywin Lannister: (impatient) To end the war- to protect the family. Do you want to write a song for the dead Starks? Go ahead! Write one. (pause) I'm in this world a little while longer- to defend the Lannisters, to defend my blood.

Tyrion Lannister: ...The Northerners will never forget.

Tywin Lannister: Good. Let them remember what happens when they march on the South. (pause, puts his papers away) All the Stark men are dead. Winterfell is a ruin. Roose Bolton will be named Warden of the North- until your son by Sansa comes of age. (stands up) I believe you still have some work to do on that score. (turns away, Tyrion stands up, furious, and follows him across the room)

Tyrion Lannister: (angrily) Do you think she'll open her legs for me after I tell her how we murdered her mother and brother?!

Tywin Lannister: One way or another, you will get that girl pregnant-

Tyrion Lannister: I will not rape her! (pause)

Tywin Lannister: ...Shall I explain to you in one easy lesson how the world works?

Tyrion Lannister: (sneering) Use small words- I'm not as bright as you! (Tywin glares at him)

Tywin Lannister: The house that puts family first will always defeat the house that puts the whims and wishes of its' sons and daughters first. (Tyrion gives him an odd expression) A good man does everything in his power to better his family's position- regardless of his own selfish desires. (Tyrion begins to smirk)... Does that amuse you?!

Tyrion Lannister: No, it's a very good lesson... (turns angry again) Only it's easy for you to preach utter devotion to family, when you're making all the decisions!

Tywin Lannister: (angry) Easy for me, is it?

Tyrion Lannister: When have you ever done something that wasn't in your interest, but solely for the benefit of the family?!

Tywin Lannister: (with controlled fury) The day that you were born. (Tyrion is caught off-guard, Tywin continues, for once showing grief for the loss of his wife) I wanted to carry you into the sea and let the waves wash you away. Instead, I let you live- and I've brought you up as my son. Because you're a Lannister! (storms out, Tyrion ponders his words)

[At the Twins, in the great hall, servants clean up the aftermath of the Red Wedding]

Walder Frey: "The late Walder Frey" old Tully called me because I didn't get my men to the Trident in time for battle. He thought he was witty...but look at us now, Tully! You're dead, your daughter's dead, your grandson's dead, your son spent his wedding night in a dungeon and I am Lord of Riverrun! [cackles]

Roose Bolton: The Blackfish escaped.

Walder Frey: An old man on the run with no allies. I have Tywin Lannister backing me, who does he have?

Roose Bolton: [unconvinced] As you say.

Walder Frey: They all laughed at me, all those high lords, they all thought they were better than me: Ned Stark, Hoster Tully...people snigger when I marry a young girl, but who said a word when Jon Arryn married the little Tully bitch?!

Roose Bolton: You'll be needing a new young girl.

Walder Frey: Yes...got that to look forward to. And you...the Warden of the North! No more Starks to bow and scrape to! Must have been torture following that stupid boy all over the country.

Roose Bolton: He ignored my advice at every turn. If he'd been a trifle less arrogant...

Walder Frey: Calling himself "The Young Wolf"...how's that for pomposity?! Well...[raises his goblet in mock toast] Here's to the Young Wolf! [makes a mocking wolf howl]

Roose Bolton: Forever young. [both men chuckle]

Walder Frey: Will you move to Winterfell now that the war's over?

Roose Bolton: At some point, perhaps. But Winterfell's in ruins.

Walder Frey: Yes...what happened up there? I heard the Greyjoy boy seized the place. I heard he killed all the ravens and then, nothing.

Roose Bolton: I sent my bastard Ramsay to root him out. Robb Stark offered amnesty for the ironborn amnesty if they gave us Theon.

Walder Frey: And?

Roose Bolton: [grins] Ramsay delivered the terms. The ironborn turned on Theon as we knew they would. They handed him over, trussed and hooded, but Ramsay...well, Ramsay has his own way of doing things.

Ramsay: [eating a sausage] Those girls weren't lying. You had a good sized cock. [Theon weakly looks at the sausage in horror] What? [realizes what Theon is thinking] No! Pork sausage. Do you think I'm some sort of savage? When people talk about phantom limbs, an amputee might have an itch where his foot used to be. So I've always wondered, do eunuchs have a phantom cock? Next time you think about naked girls, will you feel an itch? [Theon whimpers as Ramsay grins cruelly and waves the sausage at him. After a few moments, Ramsay lowers the sausage] Sorry. I shouldn't make jokes. My mother taught me not to throw stones at cripples...[grins] but my father taught me aim for their head!

Theon: ...kill me...

Ramsay: Sorry, what?

Theon: Kill me.

Ramsay: A little louder.

Theon: KILL ME!

Ramsay: You're no good to me dead. We need you. [Ramsay walks over to Theon and grabs his hair] You don't look like Theon Greyjoy anymore. That's a name for a lord. But you're not a lord, are you? You're just...meat. Stinking meat. You reek. (lets go of Theon and steps back with a grin on his face) Reek! That's a good name for you. What's your name?

Theon: Theon Greyjoy.

[Ramsay backhands Theon]

Ramsay: What's your name?

Theon: Th-Theon Greyjoy.

[Ramsay punches Theon in the jaw, jolting his head back against the rack]

Theon: Please...

[Ramsay grabs Theon by the face]

Ramsay: (snarling) What...is...your...name?!

Theon: Reek. My name is...Reek. (Ramsay grins, lets go of him and walks away; Theon slumps forward and weeps)

Varys: When did you come to this strange country?

Shae: When I was thirteen.

Varys: You were only a child?

Shae: I stopped being a child when I was nine. My mother made sure of that.

Varys: You've been a good influence on our mutual friend, you know. (Shae permits herself a smile) He used to drink from sun-down to sun-up, visit three brothels a night, gamble away his father's money. Now it's just the drinking.

Shae: (bitterly) And now I'm his wife's servant. I brush her hair and clip her nails and empty her chamber pot.

Varys: She is a sweet young thing. None of this is her fault.

Shae: (angrily) I love that girl. I would kill for her. Do you think that makes it easier for me?

Varys: No- I expect not. (Shae turns away)

Shae: (sadly) She's young, and beautiful, and... high-born.

Varys: We break bread with them, but that doesn't make us family. We've learned their language, but we'll never be their countrymen. (pause, comes closer) If you let yourself believe that a foreign girl with no name could spend her life with the son of Tywin Lannister-

Shae: (turns around, angrily) I have a name-

Varys: (firmly) You have one name... as do I. Here, only the family name matters.

Shae:...What do you want from me, Lord Varys? (Varys glances around, then presses a leather pouch into her hand)

Varys: Diamonds. (pats the pouch) I'd tell you to beware carrying so much wealth, but you know how to protect yourself. (pause) Get on one of those ships- sail to Pentos, or Lhys, or Myr. (Shae stares at him coldly) You can buy a house with these diamonds- a very large house. Hire servants- start a new life, a good life, far from here. (smiles and steps back) A mysterious foreign beauty- you'll have suitors lining up.

Shae: (looks from Varys to the diamonds)...Why do you want me to leave?

Varys: Tyrion Lannister is one of the few people alive who can make this country a better place. He has the mind for it, he has the will, he has the right last name- and you... you are a complication.(softens his tone) I know you love him- and I know it's true love, not bought by gold and silver. I'm not asking you to leave him for money- I'm asking you to leave, because your presence in the Capitol endangers him. (pause) This will never be your home, my Lady. Find a true home, somewhere far from here- while there's still time. (turns to go)

Shae: (angrily) Lord Varys! (Varys turns back, Shae throws the pouch of diamonds at his feet) If he wants me to leave, he can tell me himself.

1st Frey Bannerman: (notices Arya has crept up behind him)...What d'you want?

Arya Stark: Mind if I keep warm? (the man rolls his eyes and turns away)

2nd Frey Bannerman: Fuck off!

Arya Stark: (acting pitiful) But I'm hungry.

1st Frey Bannerman: (turns around again) Does "Fuck off" mean something different where you're from?

Arya Stark: I've got money. (she reaches into her belt pouch and pulls out the Braavosi coin Jacquen gave her)

1st Frey Bannerman: (squints at it) What kinda coin is that?

Arya Stark: It's worth a lot. (she drops it on the ground when he reaches for it) Sorry.

1st Frey Bannerman: (scowls at her) Little shit. (as he leans over to pick up the coin, Arya violently stabs him several times in the back and neck. The other three Frey soldiers, shocked, jump up and draw their swords, approaching her, but Sandor "The Hound" Clegane blocks their path with his sword drawn. They pause, then attack, and Sandor quickly and brutally kills all three of them. Arya stands over the man she killed)

Sandor Clegane: (walks over to her) Where did you get the knife?

Arya Stark: (holds up her blood-coated dagger)...From you. (the Hound quickly checks his belt, then irritably snatches the dagger back)

Sandor Clegane: Is that the first man you've killed?

Arya Stark:...The first man.

Sandor Clegane: (irritated, wags the dagger in her face) The next time you're going to do something like that, tell me first! (walks over to the dead men's fire and begins looting their supplies)

Arya Stark: (picks up the Braavosi coin)...Valar Morghulis.

Samwell Tarly: I know how this must look. [remembers Aemon is blind] What I meant was-

Gilly: I swear to you, my lord-

Maester Aemon: I'm not a lord, my dear. Not for many, many years. Every man who joins the Night's Watch renounces all former titles. Among other things. What is your name?

Gilly: Gilly.

Maester Aemon: Ah, for the gillyflower. Lovely.

Gilly: Yes, my-

Samwell Tarly: Maester.

Gilly: Master.

Samwell Tarly: Maester.

Maester Aemon: And the child?

Samwell Tarly: She hasn't chosen a name yet.

Gilly: His name is Sam.

Maester Aemon: Tarly... do you remember the oath you swore when you joined this order?

Samwell Tarly: He's not my child, Maester Aemon. She's one of Craster's wives. I remember every word of the oath. Night gathers and my watch begins. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. The realms of men. That means her as well as us. We didn't build 500 miles of ice walls 700 feet high to keep out men. The night is gathering, Maester Aemon. I've seen it. It's coming for all of us.

Maester Aemon: Gilly, you and your son will be our guests for the time being. We certainly cannot send you back beyond the Wall.

Gilly: Thank you... Maester. I can cook and clean and I can-

Maester Aemon: Good. Samwell, fetch a quill and inkwell. I hope your penmanship is better than your swordplay.

Samwell Tarly: Miles better.

Maester Aemon: We had 44 ravens at last count. Make sure they're all fed. Every one of them flies tonight.

[while washing cuts on his face after fleeing the Wildlings, Jon is confronted by Ygritte, who has an arrow aimed at him]

Jon Snow: (stands up, sadly) Ygritte, you know I didn't have a choice. You always knew who I was- what I am. I have to go home now- I know you won't hurt me.

Ygritte: (vengeful and sad) You know nothing, Jon Snow.

Jon Snow: (laughs sadly) I do know some things. I know I love you (Ygritte's eyes well with tears) I know that you love me. (shakes his head) But I have to go home now! (he turns away and Ygritte fires an arrow into his shoulder, knocking him down in agony. Jon staggers over to his horse, climbs on and rides away, but not before Ygritte shoots him twice more; she watches him go, sobbing)

Days Gone Bye [1.01][edit]

Rick Grimes: What's the difference between men and women?

Shane Walsh: Is this a joke?

Rick Grimes: No, serious.

Shane Walsh: Never met a woman who knew how to turn off a light. Born thinking the switch only goes one way: on. Come home, house all lit up, and my job, you see, apparently because my chromosomes happen to be different is that I gotta walk through that house and turn off every single light this chick left on.

Rick Grimes: Is that right?

Shane Walsh: Yeah, baby. Oh Reverend Shane is a-preachin' to ya now, boy. Then this same chick, mind ya, she'll bitch about, uh, Global Warming. This is where Reverend Shane wants to quote from the Guy Gospel and say, "Uh, darlin' maybe if you and every other pair of boobs on this planet could just figure out that the light switch, see, goes both ways, maybe we wouldn't have so much Global Warming?"

Rick Grimes: You say that?

Shane Walsh: The polite version. Still, that earns me this look of loathing you would not believe and that's when the Exorcist voice pops out "You sound just like my damn Father! Always yellin' about the power bill and tellin' me to turn off the damn lights!"

Rick Grimes: What do you say to that?

Shane Walsh: I know what I want to say. What I want to say, "Bitch, you mean to tell me you've been hearing this your entire life and you are still too damn stupid to learn how to turn off a switch?"

Morgan Jones: Bites kill you. The fever burns you out. But then after a while...you come back.

Glenn Rhee: [over the radio to Rick] Hey, you. Dumbass. Hey, you in the tank. Cozy in there?

Guts [1.02][edit]

Glenn Rhee: [to Rick] Nice moves there, Clint Eastwood. You the new sheriff come riding in to clean up the town?

Merle Dixon: Hey! Y'all be more polite to a man with a gun! Huh? Ah! Only common sense.

Merle Dixon: Who the hell are you, man?!

Rick Grimes: Officer Friendly. Look here, Merle. Things are different now. There are no niggers anymore. No dumb-as-shit, inbred white-trash fools either. Only dark meat and white meat. There's us and the dead. We survive this by pulling together, not apart.

Merle Dixon: Screw you, man.

Rick Grimes: I can see you make a habit of missing the point.

Merle Dixon: Yeah? Well, screw you twice.

Rick Grimes: Ought to be polite to a man with a gun. [cocks gun] Only common sense.

Merle Dixon: You wouldn't. You're a cop.

Rick Grimes: All I am anymore is a man looking for his wife and son. Anybody that gets in the way of that is gonna lose. I'll give you a moment to think about that.

Tell It to the Frogs[1.03][edit]

Merle Dixon: [delirious] That's right. You heard me, bitch. You got a problem? Bring it on if you're man enough, or take it up the chain if you're a pussy. You heard me, you pussy-ass noncom bitch. You ain't deaf. Take it up the damn chain of command or you can kiss my lily-white ass. [laughs] That's right. That's what I said. You heard me. And then this idiot, he takes a swing, you know, and well... [laughs] Oh, you should've seen the look on his face when I punched out his front teeth. Yeah, five of 'em. Pow! Pow! Just like that. Huh. Oh my God. Oh, 16 months... in the stockade, that's what them teeth cost me. That was, that was hard time, but by God, it was worth every minute of it just to see that prick spit his teeth out on the ground. Yes sir, worth every minute. Mmm.

Merle Dixon: [praying] I didn't behave, I know. I know I'm being punished. I know. I- Oh, I deserve it. I deserve it. I've been bad. Help me now. Show me the way. Go on, tell me what to do. Tell me. Tell me. God!That's okay. Never you mind, silly Christ boy. I ain't begged you before. I ain't gonna start begging now. I ain't gonna beg you now! Don't you worry about me begging you ever! I'll never beg you! I ain't gonna beg you! I never begged you before.

Dale Horvath: Words can be meager things. Sometimes they fall short.

Vatos [1.04][edit]

Daryl Dixon: Nobody can kill Merle but Merle.

Shane Walsh: Jim, nobody is gonna hurt you, okay?

Jim: That's a lie. That's the biggest lie there is. I told that to my wife and my two boys. I said it 100 times. It didn't matter. They came out of nowhere. There were dozens of 'em. Just pulled 'em right out of my hands. You know, the only reason I got away was 'cause the dead were too busy eating my family.

Daryl Dixon: Hey kid, what'd you do before all this?

Glenn Rhee: Deliver pizzas. Why?

Daryl Dixon: You got some balls for a China man.

Glenn Rhee: I'm Korean.

Daryl Dixon: Whatever.

Jim: I remember my dream now, why I dug the holes.

Wildfire [1.05][edit]

[Dr. Jenner is speaking to a recording camera.]

Edwin Jenner: Jenner here. It's Day 194 since Wildfire was declared and 63 days since the disease abruptly went global. There's no clinical progress to report. Item: I finally got the scrubbers in the east sector shut down to save power. Wish I could have done it a month ago, but it took me how long to figure it out. Too bad I never studied engineering. Could have saved a lot of amps. Item: Still not sleeping well. Can't seem to keep regular hours. Living underground doesn't help; not knowing if it's day or night. Just...feeling very...off.

[Dr. Jenner is speaking to a recording camera after the decontamination process destroyed his samples.]

Edwin Jenner: The TS-19 samples are gone. The tragedy of their loss cannot be overstated. They were our freshest samples, by far. None of the other samples we gathered came close. Those are necrotic. Useless, dead flesh. [Pause] I don't even know why I'm talking to you. I bet there isn't a single son of a bitch still listening out there, is there? [Gets closer to the camera] Is there? Fine. Saves me the embarrassment. I think tomorrow I'm gonna blow my brains out. I haven't decided. But tonight, I'm getting drunk. [Pours a glass of wine, finishing the bottle. Shows the camera the bottle.] Speaking of which, how far do you think I can chuck this, huh? Pretty far, I bet. [Throws bottle across room, shattering it.] Oh! It is out of the stadium!

TS-19 [1.06][edit]

Rick Grimes: [to Jenner] You don't know what it's like out there. You may think you do but you don't. It's only a matter of time. There's too many of those things. My boy, my wife, I never told them what I really thought. I never even hinted, just, just kept it in, kept us moving, kept it in, kept us moving.

Dale Horvath: I see a chance to make a new start.

Daryl Dixon: Man, I'm gonna get shit-faced drunk. again.

Edwin Jenner: This is what takes us down. This is our extinction event.

Season 2 (2011–2012)[edit]

What Lies Ahead [2.01][edit]

Andrea: [to Dale] All I wanted after my sister died was to get out of this endless horrific nightmare we live every day. I wasn't hurting anyone else. You took my choice away, Dale. And you expect gratitude? I don't know what to say. I'm not your little girl. I'm not your wife. And I am sure as hell not your problem.

Carol Peletier: [praying] Father, forgive me. I don't deserve your mercy. I prayed for safe passage from Atlanta and you provided. I prayed for Ed to be punished for laying his hands on me and for looking at his own daughter with whatever sickness was growing in his soul. I prayed you'd put a stop to it, give me a chance to raise her right, help her not make my mistakes. She's so fearful. She's so young in her way. She hasn't had a chance. Praying for Ed's death was a sin. Please, don't let this be my punishment. Let her be safe, alive and safe. Please, lord. Punish me however you want, but show mercy on her.

Bloodletting[2.02][edit]

Dale Horvath: Listen, your veins are very discolored. You got a hell of an infection there. You could die from blood poisoning.

T-Dog: [laughs] Oh, man. Wouldn't that be the way? World gone to hell, the dead risen up to eat the living and Theodore Douglas is done here by a cut on his arm. [laughs harder]

Otis: I ain't gonna sit here while this fella takes this on alone.

T-Dog: What are you, 70?

Dale Horvath: 64.

T-Dog: Uh-huh. And I'm the one black guy. Realize how precarious that makes my situation?

Save the Last One [2.03][edit]

Lori Grimes: Maybe this isn't a world for children anymore.

[Daryl finds a walker hanging by a rope and reads off a note on the tree]

Daryl Dixon: "Got bit. Fever hit. World gone to shit. Might as well quit". Dumbass didn't know enough to shoot himself in the head. Turns himself in a swinging piece of bait. And a mess.

Daryl Dixon: Look at him. Hanging up there like a big piñata. The other geeks came and ate all the flesh off his legs.

Andrea: I thought we were changing the subject.

Daryl Dixon: Call that payback for laughing about my itchy ass.

Cherokee Rose [2.04][edit]

Rick Grimes: Last time I asked God for a favor and stopped to admire a view, my son got shot. I try not to mix it up with the almighty anymore.

Hershel Greene: [to Rick] My father didn't bother with comforting lies. He used his fist. He was a loveless, violent drunk and no good to anybody. He drove me from home when I was 15. Didn't lay eyes on this place again for many years. I was not at his deathbed, Rick. I would not grant him that and to this day do not regret it. Some men do not earn the love of their sons. I don't see you having that problem.

Daryl Dixon: [to Carol] It's a Cherokee Rose. The story is that when American soldiers were moving Indians off their land on the Trail of Tears, the Cherokee mothers were grieving and crying so much 'cause they were losing their little ones along the way from exposure and disease and starvation. A lot of them just disappeared. So the elders, they said a prayer; asked for a sign to uplift the mothers' spirits, give them strength and hope. The next day this rose started to grow where the mothers' tears fell. I'm not fool enough to think there's any flowers blooming for my brother. But I believe this one bloomed for your little girl.

Maggie Greene: [to Glenn] I`ll have sex with you.

Chupacabra [2.05][edit]

Jimmy: I want a gun.

Daryl Dixon: And people in hell want Slurpees.

Merle Dixon Hallucination: [to Daryl] You're a joke is what you are, playing errand boy to a bunch of pansy-asses, niggers and democrats. You're nothing but a freak to them. Redneck trash. That's all you are. They're laughing at you behind your back. You know that, don't you? I got a little news for you, son. One day they gonna scrape you off their heels like you was dogshit. Hey. They ain't your kin, your blood. Hell, you had any damn nuts in that sack of yours, you'd got back there and shoot your pal Rick in the face for me. Now you listen to me. Ain't nobody ever gonna care about you except me, little brother. Nobody ever will. Come on. Get up on your feet, before I'm gonna have to kick your teeth in. Let's go.

Glenn Rhee: Dale, you think Andrea's on her period? I'm only asking 'cause it's like all the women are acting really weird. And I read somewhere that when women spend a lot of time together, their cycles line up and they all get super crazy hormonal at the same time.

Dale Horvath: I'm gonna advise you to keep that theory to yourself.

Secrets [2.06][edit]

Daryl Dixon: [to Andrea] Shoot me again? You best pray I'm dead.

Dale Horvath: [referring to Otis] You've been vague about that night about what happened.

Shane Walsh: Otis died a hero.

Dale Horvath: So you've said.

Shane Walsh: A little boy lived because of what went down that night. I think you oughta show some gratitude.

Dale Horvath: I wasn't there.

Shane Walsh: No man, you weren't.

Dale Horvath: But I was the time you raised your gun on Rick. You had him in your sights... and you held him there. I know what kind of man you are.

Shane Walsh: You think I'd shoot Rick? That is my best friend. That's the man that I love, I love him like he's my brother. You think that's the kind of man I am?

Dale Horvath: That's right.

Shane Walsh: [menacingly] Well maybe we oughta just think that through. See, if I'm the kind of man that would gun down his own best friend, what'd you think I do to some guy I don't even like when he starts throwing accusations my way. What'd you think?

Pretty Much Dead Already [2.07][edit]

Shane Walsh: Hell, when you really look at it in the cold light of day, you're pretty much dead already.

Shane Walsh: These things ain't sick! They're not people! THEY'RE DEAD! All they do, THEY KILL! These things right here! they're the things that killed Amy! They killed Otis! They're gonna kill all of us.

Rick Grimes: Shane, STOP!

Shane Walsh: Hey, Hershel. Man, let me ask you something. could a living, breathing person, could they walk away from this?

[Shoots a walker 3 times]

Rick Grimes: STOP IT!

Shane Walsh: That's 3 rounds in the chest. Someone who's a alive, could they just take that?! Why is it still coming?!

[Shoots a walker twice]

Shane Walsh: That's its heart, its lungs! Why is it still coming?!

[Shoots a walker 3 times]

Rick Grimes: Shane, enough!

Shane Walsh: Yeah, you're right, man. That is enough.

[Walks toward the walker and shoots it in the head]

Shane Walsh: Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's GONE! Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us! Enough! Rick, it ain't like it was before! Now, if y'all wanna live, if y'all wanna survive, you gotta fight for it! I'm talking about fighting, right here! Right now!

Nebraska [2.08][edit]

Hershel Greene: [to Rick] You people are like a plague! I do the Christian thing, give you shelter, and you destroy it all!

Dave: [to Rick] You don't know what we've had to go through out there, the things we've had to do. I bet you've had to do some of those same things yourself. Am I right? 'Cause ain't nobody's hands clean in what's left of this world.

Triggerfinger [2.09][edit]

Hershel Greene: You want me to cover Glenn?

Rick Grimes': You missed all that gun training. It could've come in handy now.

Hershel Greene: Nah, I can shoot. Just don't like to.

Maggie Greene: What's going on with you?

Glenn Rhee: Your dad saved my life today. And Rick saved us both. And I - I froze.

Maggie Greene: Well, you were being shot at.

Glenn Rhee: No, that...

Maggie Greene: You don't have anything to prove.

Glenn Rhee: All I've done - and then this. Okay? It's because of what you said.

Maggie Greene: That I love you?

Glenn Rhee: Yeah. A bullet hit the wall behind me and I - I thought of you - losing me, hurting. And I couldn't take it, so I hid to stay alive.

Maggie Greene: [Reaching out to embrace him] Glenn...

Glenn Rhee: [Backs away from her] No, no, no. No, you don't get it. Rick, your dad - they were counting on me and I - I only thought of myself.

18 Miles Out [2.10][edit]

Shane Walsh: He knows where the farm is, Rick. Where we are- he knows. Say he finds his way back to his people... (pulls out his glock)

Rick Grimes: Shane, no! [pushes him] Not now. Just not now!

Shane Walsh: Well, when, Rick? When?

Rick Grimes: When I've had a chance to think about it.

Randall: Don't let him kill me. Please don't.

Rick: Shut up! We're going back. It's a man's life. I need a night to think it through.

Shane Walsh: You're gonna bring this piece of garbage... this piece of garbage who - he shot at you, Rick. He ran with men who tried to kill you. You gonna bring him back to where Lori sleeps? To where Carl sleeps?

Rick Grimes: He'll be locked up in the barn, unless you bust it open.

Shane Walsh: Oh, don't start that shit.

Rick Grimes: I'm taking the night.

Shane Walsh: Man, you take that... you think on it, Rick. Keep struggling with it. It ain't hard, man. The right choice is the one that keeps us alive. It's always the same with you. It's like the first moment - it's whenever you're put to the test.

Rick Grimes: Stop acting like you know the way ahead, like you know the rules. There are no rules, man. We're lost.

Shane Walsh: No-no-no, man. I know exactly where I am.

Rick Grimes: You don't know shit anymore.

Shane Walsh: I don't think you can do it, Rick.

Rick Grimes: It's my call, man.

Shane Walsh: I don't think you can keep them safe.

Shane Walsh: Rick, you can't just be the good guy and expect to live. Okay? Not anymore.

Rick Grimes: I'm not the good guy anymore.

Rick Grimes: You want to kill me, you're going to have to do better than that wrench.

Andrea: The pain doesn't go away. You just make room for it.

Judge, Jury, Executioner [2.11][edit]

Dale Horvath: The world that we knew is dead. And this new world is 's 's- it's survival of the fittest. And that's a world I don't wanna live in, and I don't- And I don't believe that any of you do. I can't. Please. Let's just do what's right. Isn't there anybody else who's gonna stand with me?

Carol Peletier: You know, we'll see Sophia again in heaven some day. She's in a better place.

Carl Grimes: No, she's not. Heaven is just another lie, and if you believe it, you're an idiot.

Carol Peletier: Everyone either avoids me or they treat me like I'm crazy. I lost my daughter. I didn't lose my mind!

Daryl Dixon: [to a dying Dale] Sorry, brother.

Better Angels [2.12][edit]

Rick Grimes: Dale could... could get under your skin. He sure got under mine, because he wasn't afraid to say exactly what he thought, how he felt. That kind of honesty is rare and brave. Whenever I'd make a decision, I'd look at Dale. He'd be looking back at me with that look he had. We've all seen it one time or another. I couldn't always read him, but he could read us. He saw people for who they were. He knew things about us- The truth Who we really are. In the end, he was talking about losing our humanity. He said this group was broken. The best way to honor him is to unbreak it. Set aside our differences and pull together, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and take control of our lives Our safety our future. We're not broken. We're gonna prove him wrong. From now on We're gonna do it his way. That is how we honor Dale.

Rick Grimes: What happened to Dale had nothing to do with you.

Carl Grimes: He died, Dad.

Rick Grimes: Yeah, feels like there's a lot of that going around. That's why I need you.

Shane Walsh: We tried to kill each other, man. What did you think, we gonna forget about it all, we're gonna ride off into the sunset together?

Rick Grimes: You're gonna kill me in cold blood? Screw my wife? Have my children - my children - call you daddy? Is that what you want? That life won't be worth a damn. I know you. You won't be able to live with this.

Shane Walsh: What you know about what I can live with? You got no idea what I can live with, what I live with!

Rick Grimes': [last words spoken to Shane as he stabs him in the chest] You did this to us! This was you, not me! NOT ME!

Beside the Dying Fire [2.13][edit]

Hershel Greene: I can't profess to understand God's plan. Christ promised a resurrection of the dead. I just assumed he had something a little different in mind.

Rick Grimes: We're all infected.

Daryl Dixon: What?

Rick Grimes': At the C.D.C., Jenner told me. Whatever it is, we all carry it.

Carol Peletier: And you never said anything?

Rick Grimes': Would it have made a difference?

Glenn Rhee: You knew this whole time?

Rick Grimes': How could I have known for sure? You saw how crazy that mo-

Glenn Rhee: That is not your call. Okay, when I found about the Walkers in the barn, I told, for the good of everyone.

Rick Grimes: Well, I thought it best that people didn't know.

Rick Grimes': [to Lori] I killed him. I killed Shane. He came at me. He killed Randall to get me in the woods. He planned it. I had - I had no choice. I gave him every chance... and he kept leading me further out. He pushed me, and I let him. After awhile, I knew - I knew what he was doing, what he was up to. And I kept going. I didn't stop. I could have, but... I just wanted it over. Dogging me every step of the way. Acting like I stole you and Carl, like... like I was in the way. I just wanted it over. I wanted him dead. I killed him. He turned. That's how I knew Jenner was right. Carl put him down.

Maggie Greene: I'm not sitting here, waiting for another herd to blow through. We need to move, now.

Rick Grimes': No one is going anywhere.

Carol Peletier: Do something.

Rick Grimes: I am doing something! I'm keeping this group together. Alive! I've been doing that all along, no matter what; I didn't ask for this! I killed my best friend for you people, for Christ sake! You saw how he was like. How he pushed me, how he compromised us, how he threatened us. He staged the whole Randall thing, led me out to put a bullet in my back. He gave me no choice! He was my friend, but he came after me. My hands are clean. Maybe you people are better off without me. Go ahead. I say there's a place for us, but maybe... maybe it's just another pipe dream. Maybe... Maybe I'm fooling myself again. Why don't... why don't you go out and find out yourself. Send me a postcard! Go on, there's the door. You can do better. Let's see how far you get. No takers? Fine. But get one thing straight. You're staying, this isn't a democracy anymore.

Season 3 (2012–2013)[edit]

Seed [3.01][edit]

Lori Grimes: The baby is about to be here and we need to talk-

Rick Grimes: About what?

Lori Grimes: Things. We've been avoiding them-

Rick Grimes: You want to talk? Talk to Hershel. I'm doing stuff, Lori. Things.

Sick [3.02][edit]

Tomas: It was coming at me, bro.

Rick Grimes: Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it. Shit happens.

[Rick kills Tomas]

Axel: I like my pharmaceuticals, but I'm no killer.

Oscar: I ain't never pleaded for my life. And I ain't about to start now.

Walk with Me [3.03][edit]

Merle Dixon: Now, how's about a big hug for your old pal Merle?

Merle Dixon: I plucked you and your mute here out of the dirt, blondie. Saved your asses. How about a thank you?

Michonne: You had a gun on us.

Merle Dixon: Ooh, she speaks. Who ain't had a gun on 'em in the past year, huh? Show of hands, y'all. Anybody? Hmm? Shumpert, Crowley. Y'all had a gun on y'all? Hell I think I'd piss my pants if some stranger come walking up with his mitts in his pockets. That'd be the son of a bitch you'd really want to be scared of.

The Governor: Welcome to Woodbury!

Andrea: So what's your real name? If it's not asking too much.

The Governor: I never tell.

Andrea: Never say never.

The Governor: [beat] Never.

Killer Within [3.04][edit]

Lori Grimes: [to Carl] You are going to beat this world, I know you will. You are smart, and you are strong, and you are so brave, and I love you. You gotta do what's right. It's so easy to do the wrong thing in this world. So, so, if it feels wrong don't do it, alright? If it feels easy don't do it, don't let this world spoil you. You're so good, my sweet boy. Best thing I ever did and I love you, I love you. My sweet, sweet, boy I love you.

Say the Word [3.05][edit]

Hounded [3.06][edit]

Merle Dixon: Look at this. She sent us a biter-gram, y'all.

Daryl Dixon: You know, my mom, she liked her wine. She liked to smoke in bed. Virginia Slims. I was playing out with the kids in the neighborhood. I could do that with Merle gone. They had bikes, I didn't. We heard sirens getting louder. They jumped on their bikes, ran after it, you know, hoping to see something worth seeing. I ran after them, but I couldn't keep up. I ran around a corner and saw my friends looking at me. Hell, I saw everybody looking at me. Fire trucks everywhere. People from the neighborhood. It was my house they were there for. It was my mom in bed burnt down to nothing. That was the hard part. You know, she was just gone. Erased. Nothing left of her. People said it was better that way. I don't know. Just made it seem like it wasn't real, you know?

Carl Grimes: I shot my mom. She was out. Hadn't turned yet. I ended it. It was real. I'm sorry about your mom.

Daryl Dixon: I'm sorry about yours.

When the Dead Come Knocking [3.07][edit]

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Made to Suffer [3.08][edit]

The Governor: What happened tonight is horrible. We haven't have a day like that since the wall was built. I failed in my duty. I should say that we're going be OK, and we're safe we will bury our dead tomorrow and watch TV on the sofa. But I won't. Because I can't. Cause I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the terrorists want what we have! They want to destroy us! And worst. Because one of those terrorists is one of our own. Merle! The man I counted on! Man I trusted. He brought them here! He let them in. How could you! You lied! He betrayed us all! This is one of the terrorists huh. Merle's own brother! So what should we do with them, huh?

Woodbury Crowd: Kill them!

The Governor: What? What do you want?

Woodbury Crowd: Kill them!

The Governor: You wanted your brother. Now you got him.

The Suicide King [3.09][edit]

The Governor: When I asked you where your loyalty was you said it was here. Well prove it. Prove it to us all. Brother against brother. The winner goes free. A fight, to the death!

Home [3.10][edit]

Merle Dixon: The shit you doing, pointing that thing at me?

Daryl Dixon: They were scared, man.

Merle Dixon: They were rude is what they were. Rude and they owed us a token of gratitude.

Daryl Dixon: They didn't owe us nothing.

Merle Dixon: You helping people out of the goodness of your heart? Even though you might die doing it? Is that something your Sheriff Rick taught you?

Daryl Dixon: There was a baby!

Merle Dixon: Oh, otherwise you would have just left them to the biters, then?

Daryl Dixon: Man, I went back for you. You weren't there. I didn't cut off your hand, neither. You did that. Way before they locked you up on that roof. You asked for it.

Merle Dixon: You know what's funny to me? You and Sheriff Rick are like this now. Right? I bet you a penny and a fiddle of gold that you never told him that we were planning on robbing that camp blind.

Daryl Dixon: It didn't happen!

Merle Dixon: Yeah, it didn't. 'Cause I wasn't there to help you!

Daryl Dixon: What, like when we were kids, huh? Who left who then?

Merle Dixon: What?! Huh?! Is that why I lost my hand?!

Daryl Dixon: You lost your hand 'cause you're a simple-minded piece of shit!

[Merle grabs Daryl by the shirt]

Merle Dixon: Yeah? You don't know!

[Daryl's shirt rips open, Merle looks horrified, Daryl's back is covered with scars from years of childhood abuse]

Merle Dixon: I... I didn't know he was...

Daryl Dixon: Yeah, you did.

[Daryl tries to hastily cover up his back with the torn pieces of his shirt and his knapsack]

Daryl Dixon: He did the same to you. That's why you left first.

Merle Dixon: I can't go with you, I... I tried to kill that black bitch. Damn nearly killed that Chinese kid.

Daryl Dixon: He's Korean.

Merle Dixon: Whatever. Doesn't matter man I just can't go with you.

Daryl Dixon [to Merle]: I might be the one walking away, but you're the one who's leaving. Again.

I Ain't Judas [3.11][edit]

Merle Dixon: You're the farmer, Hershel.

Hershel Greene: And you're the black sheep, Merle.

Clear [3.12][edit]

Arrow on the Doorpost [3.13][edit]

The Governor: I thought you were a cop, not a lawyer.

Rick Grimes: Either way, I don't pretend to be a governor.

Prey [3.14][edit]

Michonne: [in reference to her Walker "pets"] They deserve what they got. They weren't human to begin with.

This Sorrowful Life [3.15][edit]

Merle Dixon: [to Rick] You know something? You're right. I don't know why I do the things I do. Never did. I'm a damn mystery to me.

Merle Dixon: Maybe these people need somebody like me around, huh? Do their dirty work. The bad guy.

Merle Dixon: You got to play the hand you're dealt. I only got one.

Michonne: You talk about the weight of what you have to do, how you can handle it. A bad man, someone truly evil? They're light as a feather. They don't feel a thing.

Michonne: The truth is this could have been your shot. With your skills, a whole new beginning. But you choose to stay on the outside. No one's gonna mourn you, not even Daryl. He's got a new family.

Merle Dixon: You keep trying to get under my skin, I'm gonna cut that tongue out. Your buddy's turning you over 'cause he's trying to save his own ass. You're as much on the outside as I am, girl.

Michonne: Maybe. But once the Governor's done with me, at least I won't have to live with myself. You said you killed 16 men since this thing started? You ever kill anyone before?

Merle Dixon: No.

Michonne: And how about before Woodbury? Before you met him? Huh. So he saves your life, cleans you up, fed you a line of bullshit. Why would you kill somebody else for him? You know, we can go back.

Merle Dixon: Ain't happening.

Michonne: Both of us. We can just go back.

Merle Dixon: I can't go back. Don't you understand that? I can't.

[The Governor has subdued Merle, and draws his gun]

Merle Dixon: I ain't gonna beg. I ain't begging you!

The Governor: No. [shoots Merle]

Welcome to the Tombs [3.16][edit]

The Governor: [to Milton] I told you to kill her but you didn't. And now you're gonna turn and you're gonna tear away the flesh from her bones. In this life now you kill or you die. Or you die and you kill.

Season 4 (2013–2014)[edit]

30 Days Without an Accident [4.01][edit]

Carl Grimes: You didn't wake me up.

Rick Grimes: I knew you were up all night reading comics with a flashlight.

Daryl Dixon: Smells good.

Carol Peletier: Just so you know, I liked you first.

Daryl Dixon: Stop. You know, Rick brought in a lot of them, too.

Carol Peletier: Not recently. Give the stranger sanctuary, keep people fed, you're gonna have to learn to live with the love.

Patrick: [to Daryl] Uh, Mr. Dixon? I just want to say thank you for bringing that deer back yesterday. It was a real treat, sir. And I'd be honored to shake your hand. [Daryl licks his fingers then shakes Patrick's hand]

Infected [4.02][edit]

Rick Grimes: Wasn't much use without my gun.

Daryl Dixon: No, you were. All this time you've taking off, you earned it. We wouldn't be here without you.

Rick Grimes: It was all of us.

Daryl Dixon: No, it was you first. You gonna help us figure this out?

Rick Grimes: I screwed up too many times. Those calls you gotta make, I start down that road... I almost lost my boy - who he was. Whatever else this place needs, I'm here for it.

Daryl Dixon: Like I said, you earned it. But for what it's worth, you see mistakes. I see when the shit hits, you're standing there with a shovel.

Isolation [4.03][edit]

Daryl Dixon: I'm gonna take a group out. Best not waste any more time.

Michonne: I'm in.

Hershel Greene: You've haven't been exposed. Daryl has. You get in the car with him...

Michonne: He's already given me fleas.

Indifference [4.04][edit]

Daryl Dixon: Those douchebags in the vines took themselves out, holding hands, kumbaya-style.

Bob Stookey: They wanted to go out together same as they lived. That makes them douchebags?

Daryl Dixon: It does if they could have gotten out.

Internment [4.05][edit]

Hershel Greene: Some council meeting, huh?

Sasha: We're two members short.

Hershel Greene: I think we should make some new rules before they get back. I hereby declare we have spaghetti Tuesdays every Wednesday. First we have to find some spaghetti.

Tyreese: How's Glenn doing?

Hershel Greene: He made it through the night. He's breathing on his own now. Maggie and Bob are with him. He seems stable enough for me to get some air.

Daryl Dixon: He's a tough son of a bitch.

Hershel Greene: He is.

Daryl Dixon: You're a tough son of a bitch.

Hershel Greene: I am.

Live Bait [4.06][edit]

Megan Chambler: [Holding up a pawn] What's this one called?

The Governor: That's a pawn. They're your soldiers.

Megan Chambler: Do they die?

The Governor: Sometimes.

Megan Chambler: Do you lose if they die?

The Governor: [Glances in the bedroom] No, not necessarily. You can lose a lot of soldiers but still win the game.

[Megan holds up the king]

The Governor: That's the king. That's the guy you want to capture.

[Megan goes to the kitchen counter, returns with a Sharpie]

The Governor: What're you doing?

Megan Chambler: You'll see.

[Megan uses Sharpie on the king pieces, then holds up the king with eye patch markings]

Megan Chambler: Looks like you.

The Governor: Yeah.

[Phillip chuckles, admires the king piece]

The Governor: Come on, let's play.

The Governor: [Setting up chess pieces] See, these are pawns...

Dead Weight [4.07][edit]

The Governor: You can't think forever. Sooner or later, you've got to make a move.

Megan Chambler: You never let me win anyway.

The Governor: Well, that wouldn't be winning. That's what my daddy used to say. He used to beat me at chess, too. Heck, he used to beat me at everything.

Megan Chambler: Was your dad mean?

The Governor: Sometimes.

Megan Chambler: Were you bad?

The Governor: Sometimes.

Pete Dolgen: Man, what happened here? I mean, what the hell is going on in this cabin? Were they storing those biters?

Caesar Martinez: They were his wife and kid, man.

Pete Dolgen: No, they were biters. What about those heads?

Caesar Martinez: Belonged to the guys who did the wrong thing to the wrong man.

The Governor: Probably best not think too much about it.

Mitch Dolgen: Better listen to One Eye Bri, Pete. I can never tell if he's winking or blinking. But you know how to regulate. Don't you, Bri? He was always like this, Martinez?

Caesar Martinez: Oh, yeah. Ice in the veins. You should have seen him back in the day.

Mitch Dolgen: End of the world don't mean shit when you got a tank.

Pete Dolgen: I was Army, too. Stationed out of Fort Benning. Stayed for a while after it all started.

Mitch Dolgen: That's my Pete. He's too loyal to bounce.

The Governor: I remember the first smoke I ever had. Me and my brother huddled in the garage puffing on one of my dad's Lucky Strikes. He must have smelled the smoke, because he came barging in looking to beat up on us. But my brother got between us. Said he stole them. Wasn't true. It was me. But that was my brother. Hero. He got two black eyes and a broken rib for that. And I got beat anyway.

Too Far Gone [4.08][edit]

Glenn Rhee: I could use a vacation. Get away. Just for a weekend.

Maggie Greene: Yeah.

Glenn Rhee: You know, our anniversary is coming up.

Maggie Greene: It is?

Glenn Rhee: One of these days.

Maggie Greene: You've ever been to Amicalola Falls? Tallest waterfalls in Georgia.

Glenn Rhee: Mm-mmm.

Maggie Greene: My Dad took me there when I was little. When we were up there, all the way at the top looking down, I felt like I was flying.

Glenn Rhee: I'll go load up the station wagon.

Hershel Greene: If you understand what it's like to have a daughter, then how can you threaten to kill someone else's?

The Governor: Because they aren't mine.

The Governor: Rick! Come down here. We need to talk.

Rick Grimes: It's not up to me. There's a council now. They run this place.

The Governor: Is Hershel on the council? What about Michonne? She on the council, too?

Rick Grimes: I don't make decisions anymore.

The Governor: You're making the decisions today, Rick. Come down here. Let's have that talk.

Rick Grimes: [points to Tara] You. You in the ponytails. Is this what you want? Is this what any one of you want?

Mitch Dolgen: What we want is what you got. Period. Time for you to leave, asshole.

Rick Grimes: Look, I fought him before. And after, we took in his old friends. They've become leaders in what we have here. Now you put down your weapons, walk through those gates you're one of us. We let go of all of it, and nobody dies. Everyone who's alive right now. Everyone who's made it this far. We've all done the worst kinds of things just to stay alive. But we can still come back. We're not too far gone. We get to come back. I know we all can change.

[The Governor looks at Michonne's sword, and there is a tense pause]

The Governor: [quietly] Liar.

[decapitates Hershel]

Rick Grimes: NO! [draws his revolver & fires at the Governor]

The Governor: Go through the fences. Get in your cars, get your guns. We go in, kill them all!

Rick Grimes: Don't look back, Carl. Just keep walking.

After [4.09][edit]

Carl Grimes: I tied the door shut.

Rick Grimes: We don't need to take any chances.

Carl Grimes: You don't think it'll hold?

Rick Grimes: Carl.

Carl Grimes: It's a strong knot. Clove hitch. Shane taught me. Remember him?

Rick Grimes: Yeah, I remember him. I remember him every day.

Inmates [4.10][edit]

Beth Greene: [writing in her diary] Hey. I know it's been a while. I'm gonna be honest, I forgot about you. After the farm, we were always moving. But something happened. Something good. Finally. We found a prison. Daddy thinks that we can make it into a home. He says we can grow crops in the field, find pigs and chickens, stop running, stop scavenging. Lori's baby is just about due. She'll need a safe place when it comes. The rest of us, we just need a safe place to be. I woke up in my own bed yesterday. My own bed in my own room. But I've been keeping my backpack. Keeping my gun close. I've been afraid to get my hopes up thinking we can actually stay here. The thing is, I've been starting to get afraid that it's easier just to be afraid. But this morning Daddy said something. If you don't have hope, what's the point of living? So I unpacked my bag and I found you. So I'm gonna start writing in you again. And I'm gonna write this down now because you should write down wishes to make them come true. We can live here. We can live here for the rest of our lives.

Tara Chambler: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Brian, that man, told us you were bad people. I know it's not true. I can see it's not, so what we did, what I did I mean, I'm a piece of shit. Why would you want my help?

Glenn Rhee: I don't want it, I need it. I have to find Maggie.

Tara Chambler: Who's Maggie?

Glenn Rhee: She's my wife.

Tara Chambler: You guys got separated?

Glenn Rhee: I was on the bus and then I got off to help and she didn't see me.

Tara Chambler: How do you know if she made it?

Glenn Rhee: I don't know. But Hershel, Maggie's father, was a great man. And he told me all I had to do was believe, and that's what I'm gonna do.

Claimed [4.11][edit]

Abraham Ford: Son of a dick.

Still [4.12][edit]

Beth Greene: So you want to spend the rest of our lives staring into a fire and eating mud snakes? Screw that.

Beth Greene: [to Daryl] I know you look at me and you just see another dead girl. I'm not Michonne. I'm not Carol. I'm not Maggie. I've survived and you don't get it 'cause I'm not like you or them. But I made it and you don't get to treat me like crap just because you're afraid.

Beth Greene: You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon.

Daryl Dixon: Merle had this dealer. This janky little white guy. A tweaker. One day we were over at his house watching TV. Wasn't even noon yet and we were all wasted. Merle was high. We were watching this show and Merle was talking all this dumb stuff about it. And he wouldn't let up. Merle never could. Turns out it was the tweaker's kid's favorite show. And he never sees his kids, so he felt guilty about it or something. So he punches Merle in the face. So I started hitting the tweaker like, hard. As hard as I can. Then he pulls a gun, sticks it right here. He says, "I'm gonna kill you, bitch." So Merle pulls his gun on him. Everyone's yelling. I'm yelling. I thought I was dead. Over a dumb cartoon about a talking dog. The tweaker punched me in the gut. I puked. They both started laughing and forgot all about it.

Alone [4.13][edit]

Joe: [to Daryl] A bowman. I respect that. See a man with a rifle, he could have been some kind of photographer or a soccer coach back in the day. But a bowman's a bowman through and through.

Joe: Why hurt yourself when you can hurt other people?

The Grove [4.14][edit]

Lizzie Samuels: Did you have kids?

Carol Peletier: I did. A kid. A daughter.

Lizzie Samuels: What was she like?

Carol Peletier: She was sweet. She didn't have a mean bone in her body.

Lizzie Samuels: Is that why she isn't here now?

Mika Samuels: When we were giving them names, we were just pretending things weren't bad. Things are bad. Those things, they're bad. They are. We can't pretend anymore.

Lizzie Samuels: I'm not pretending. You were.

Tyreese: The whole world is haunted now.

Us [4.15][edit]

Eugene Porter: I'm well aware it sounds bananas. But looking at the fossil record, knowing what I know about this infection, you cannot say for certain it isn't what killed off the dinosaurs. Now, do I believe that's what happened? No. But it's enjoyable as hell to think about an undead ankylosaur going after a diplodocus. That there is a video game worth a pre-order.

Joe: See, going it alone, that ain't an option nowadays. Still, it is survival of the fittest. That's a paradox right there. So I laid out some rules of the road to keep things from going Darwin every couple hours. Keep our merry band together and stress-free. All you got to do is claim. That's how you mark your territory, your prey, your bed at night. One word, claimed.

Daryl Dixon: There ain't no us.

Joe: You leaving right now? No? Then it sure seems like there's an a cat person, Daryl? I am. Loved 'em since I was three years old. Vicious creatures. Anyway, I'll tell you, and this is true, ain't nothing sadder than an outdoor cat that thinks he's an indoor cat.

Joe: [with regard to Len] Well teach him a lesson, gents. He's a lying sack of shit. I'm sick of it. Teach him all the way.

Joe: Seems to me like things are finally starting to fall together. At least for guys like us.

A [4.16][edit]

Joe: [to Rick] Look, we can settle this. We're reasonable men. First, we're gonna beat Daryl to death. Then we'll have the girl. Then the boy. Then I'm gonna shoot you and then we'll be square.

Joe: [to Rick] What the hell are you gonna do now, sport?

[Rick lunges forward and rips open Joe's throat with his teeth, killing him]

Dan: [holds Carl at knifepoint] I'll kill him!

Michonne: [to Dan while aiming a revolver at him] Let the boy go.

Rick Grimes: [to Michonne as he prepares to gut Carl's captor] He's MINE.

Michonne: We went to a refugee camp. Andre and my boyfriend Mike, that was Andre's father, and our friend Terry. At the camp, it just got worse and worse. People were leaving. People giving up. But I didn't. I was coming back from a run. I saw the fences were down. I heard the moans. It was over. And Mike and Terry, they were high when it happened. They were bit. Could have stopped it. Could have killed them. But I let them turn. I made it so they couldn't bite, couldn't scratch. I tied chains around their necks. It was insane. It was sick. It felt like what I deserved, dragging them around so that I would always know. I found out that they kept me safe. They hid me. The walkers didn't see me anymore. I was just another monster.

Rick Grimes: They're gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out...

Abraham Ford: Find out what?

Rick Grimes: They're screwin' with the wrong people.

Season 5 (2014–2015)[edit]

No Sanctuary [5.01][edit]

Alex: We should never have put up the signs. What the hell did we think was gonna happen? We brought them here.

Gareth: We were trying to do something good. We were being human beings.

Alex: What are we now, Gareth?

Rick Grimes: [to Gareth] There's a compound bow and a machete with a red handle. That's what I'm gonna use to kill you.

Martin: I don't have any friends. I mean, I know people. They're just assholes I stay alive with. I don't have any friends. The other one your friend? The woman? I used to have them. Used to watch football on Sundays. Went to church. I know I did. But I can't picture it anymore. It's funny how you don't even notice the time go by. Horrible shit just stacks up day after day. You get used to it.

Tyreese Williams: I haven't gotten used to it.

Martin: Of course you haven't. You're the kind of guy who saves babies. It's kind of like saving an anchor when you're stuck without a boat in the middle of the ocean. Been behind some kind of walls, right? You're still around, but you haven't had to get your hands dirty. I can tell. See, you're a good guy.

Mary: The signs they were real. It was a sanctuary. People came and took this place.

Carol Peletier: Just tell me where-

Mary: - And they raped and they killed and they laughed over weeks. But we got out and we fought and we got it back. And we heard the message: you're the butcher or you're the cattle.

Eugene Porter: I'm not fleet of foot. I sure as hell can't take a dead one down with sharp buttons and hella confidence.

Strangers [5.02][edit]

Gabriel Stokes: I have no weapons of any kind. The word of God is the only protection I need.

Gabriel Stokes: I'm a sinner. I sin almost every day. But those sins, I confess them to God, not strangers.

Abraham Ford: I'd like to propose a toast. I look around this room and I see survivors. Each and every one of you has earned that title. To the survivors!

[everybody toasts]

Abraham Ford: Is that all you want to be? Wake up in the morning, fight the undead pricks, forage for food, go to sleep at night with two eyes open, rinse and repeat? 'Cause you can do that. I mean, you got the strength. You got the skill. Thing is, for you people, for what you can do, that's just surrender. Now, we get Eugene to Washington and he will make the dead die and the living will have this world again. And that is not a bad takeaway for a little road trip.

Abraham Ford: Come with us. Save the world for that little one. Save it for yourselves. Save it for the people out there who don't got nothing left to do except survive.

Gareth: [to Bob] Good news is you're not dead yet. That's a relief, right? But try not to read too much into the word 'yet' there. It'll just drive you crazy, Bob. I want to explain myself a little. You see, we didn't want to hurt you before. We didn't want to pull you away from your group or scare you. These aren't things that we want to do. They're things we got to do. You and your people took away our home. That's fair play. Now we're out here like everybody else trying to survive. And in order to do that, we have to hunt. Didn't start that way, eating people. It evolved into that. We evolved. We had to. And now we've devolved...into hunters. I told you, I said it. Can't go back, Bob. I just hope you understand that nothing happening to you now is personal. Yeah, you put us in this situation and it is almost kind of a cosmic justice for it to be you, but we would have done this to anybody. We will. But at the end of the day, no matter how much we hate all this ugly business...

[Bob looks down to see his leg has been amputated[

Gareth: ...a man's got to eat. [taking a bite out of a piece of meat] If it makes you feel any better, you taste much better than we thought you would.

Four Walls and a Roof [5.03][edit]

Bob Stookey: [to Gareth and the Hunters] I've been bitten, you stupid pricks! I'm tainted meat!

[Rick has Gareth at his mercy]

Gareth: We can walk away, and we will never cross paths again! I promise you!

Rick Grimes: But you'll cross someone's path. You'd do this to anyone, right? Besides, I already made you a promise.

Gareth: No!

[Rick kills Gareth with his machete]

Gabriel Stokes: This is the Lord's house!

Maggie Greene: No. It's just four walls and a roof.

Bob Stookey: Nightmares end. They shouldn't end who you are. And that is just this dead man's opinion.

[Rick reads the map to Washington DC that Abraham has left for him & his group]

Abraham Ford: Sorry I was an asshole. Come to Washington. The New World's gonna need Rick Grimes.

Slabtown [5.04][edit]

Noah: [to Beth] See, they think I'm scrawny. They think I'm weak. But they don't know shit about me. About what I am. About what you are.

Joan: I guess it's easy to make a deal with the devil when you're not the one paying the price.

Steven Edwards: When everything started, Dawn reported to a guy named Hanson. They had orders to clear the hospital and move everyone to Butler Park. It was close to midnight when we heard the jets, the bombs. The screams. I was on the third floor. Dawn and Hanson's teams were doing a final sweep. And we knew it was bad. Just didn't know how bad till we came up here. The city had fallen. And everyone we evacuated...they were just...gone.

Dawn Lerner: A good man's mistakes almost ended everything for us, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let that happen again. Every sacrifice we make needs to be for the greater good. The second it isn't, the second we lose sight of that, it's all over.

Dawn Lerner: Who the hell do you think you are?

Beth Greene: He attacked me. Just like he attacked Joan. Just like you let him. You know what's happening here and you let it happen. You're letting it happen!

Dawn Lerner: So that we make it!

Beth Greene: No one's coming, Dawn! No one's coming. We're all gonna die and you let this happen for nothing.

Self Help [5.05][edit]

Eugene Porter: The smartest man I ever met happened to love my hair. My old boss, T. Brooks Ellis, the director of the Human Genome Project. He said my hair made me look like, and I quote, "a fun guy," which I am. I just ain't Samson.

Abraham Ford: Gotten to the point where everyone alive is strong now. We have to be. You're either strong and they can help you so you help them or you're strong and they can kill ya. So you gotta kill them. You gotta kill them and...[sighs] I want to say it's never easy. That's not the truth. It's the easiest thing in the world now.

Eugene Porter: [to Tara] I appreciate the positive affirmations and looking the other way on the perversion, but I know empirically and definitively I cannot survive on my own.

Tara Chambler: [to Eugene] Welcome to the human race, asshole.

Maggie Greene: I know why you have the haircut.

Eugene Porter: I told you, it's 'cause I like it.

Maggie Greene: I believe that. I like it, too. I think you like it for a reason. You're not the person people think you are. You want 'em to know who you are.

Eugene Porter: Not following you.

Maggie Greene: If you didn't have that mullet, you'd probably be like everybody else in the labs. But you're not like everybody else. I think a lot of people in your position probably woulda given up, but you didn't.

Eugene Porter: There were people- a lot of them along the way- they made sure I didn't give up. It wasn't me remotely.

Maggie Greene: It was. You started this thing. And you're not like Samson. He was kind of a mess.

Eugene Porter: Not following you.

Maggie Greene: Well, his story goes that one day when a lion attacked him, God gave him strength and he tore it apart. Then he goes back one day, he's by himself, and he sees that bees have made a hive in the carcass. So later he tells this riddle to people. "Out of the eater, something to eat. Out of the strong, something sweet." And I always thought, "How the hell are people supposed to know the answer when it's just about his own life? When the only place the answer is, is in his own head?"

Consumed [5.06][edit]

Carol Peletier: You said we get to start over.

Daryl Dixon: Yeah.

Carol Peletier: Did you?

Daryl Dixon: I'm tryin'. Why don't you say what's really on your mind?

Carol Peletier: I don't think we get to save people anymore.

Daryl Dixon: Then why are you here?

Carol Peletier: I'm tryin'.

Daryl Dixon: Some days, I don't know what the hell to think.

Carol Peletier: I don't know if I believe in God anymore or heaven, but if I'm going to hell, I'm making damn sure I'm holding it off as long as I can.

Noah: We can get her back. We can get Beth back.

Daryl Dixon: What's it gonna take?

Noah: A lot. They got guns, people.

Daryl Dixon: So do we.

Crossed [5.07][edit]

Coda [5.08][edit]

What Happened and What's Going On [5.09][edit]

Tyreese Williams: My dad always told Sasha and me that it was our duty as citizens of the world to keep up with the news. When I was little and I was in his car, there were always those stories on the radio. Something happens 1,000 miles away or down the block. Some kind of horror I couldn't even wrap my head around. But he didn't change the channel. He didn't turn it off. He just kept listening. To face it. Keeping your eyes open. My dad always called that paying the high cost of living.

Martin Hallucination: I tried to tell you. I tried to tell you, man. It was gonna be you. You're the kind of guy who saves babies. You think Gareth would have been able to follow you guys if you'd have just put a bullet in my brain? Cut me up like your sister did? Oh, whoa, whoa. Don't get up. If I hadn't told them that you were there, maybe Gareth wouldn't have gone after you. Maybe they wouldn't be dead. Maybe Bob wouldn't be dead. Maybe him being alive, maybe something about that would have changed things with Beth. Domino shit. Maybe not. Maybe you wouldn't be bit right now.

Bob Stookey Hallucination: Man, that is bullshit. I got bit at the food bank. It went the way it had to, the way it was always going to. Just like this.

The Governor Hallucination: You told me you'd earn your keep. You had no idea what you were talking about, did you? Did you?! Your eyes were open, but you didn't want to see. Even though I made you see it. I showed you. But did you adapt? Did you change? No. That you would sit there in front of a woman who killed someone you loved and you would forgive her. That's all there is. This is all there is. This is it.

Tyreese Williams: I didn't know who I was talking to. I said I would do what I had to to earn my keep, but I didn't know you. But I know- I know who I am. I know what happened and what's going on. I know. You didn't show me shit. You, you're dead. Everything that you were is dead. And it's- it's not over. I forgave her because it's not over. It's not over. It's- it's not over. I didn't turn away. I kept listening to the news so I could do what I could to help! I'm not giving up. You hear me? I'm not giving up! People like me- people like me, they can live. Ain't nobody got to die today.

Them [5.10][edit]

Gabriel Stokes: If you ever want to talk about your father or about Beth -

Maggie Greene: Please, stop.

Gabriel Stokes: Whenever you're ready, I'm here.

Maggie Greene: You never even met them.

Gabriel Stokes: I know you're in pain.

Maggie Greene: You don't know shit. You had a job. You were there to save your flock, right? But you didn't. You hid. Don't act like that didn't happen.

Abraham Ford: Plan just got dicked!

Glenn Rhee: Hey, we can make it together. But we can only make it together.

Rick Grimes: When I was a kid I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. He wouldn't answer. He said that was grown-up stuff, so so I asked if the Germans ever tried to kill him. But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, "Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war." And then after a few years of pretending he was dead he made it out alive. That's the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we'll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves that we are the walking dead.

The Distance [5.11][edit]

Remember [5.12][edit]

Rick Grimes: You should keep your gates closed.

Deanna Monroe: Why?

Rick Grimes: Because it's all about survival now. At any cost. People out there are always looking for an angle. Looking to play on your weakness. They measure you by what they can take from you. By how they can use you to live. So bringing people into a place like this now-

Deanna Monroe: Are you telling me not to bring your people in? Are you already looking after this place? Aaron says I can trust you.

Rick Grimes: Aaron doesn't know me. I've killed people. I don't even know how many by now. But I know why they're all dead. They're dead so my family, all those people out there, can be alive. So I could be alive for them.

Deanna Monroe: Sounds like I'd want to be part of your family.

Carol Peletier: I'm gonna wash that vest. We need to keep up appearances, even you.

Daryl Dixon: Hey, I ain't starting now.

Carol Peletier: I'm gonna hose you down in your sleep.

Daryl Dixon: You look ridiculous.

Aiden Monroe: You three need new gigs. You're not ready for runs yet.

Glenn Rhee: Yeah, pretty sure you got that backwards.

Rick Grimes: We won't get weak. That's not in us anymore. We'll make it work. And if they can't make it then we'll just take this place.

Forget [5.13][edit]

Daryl Dixon: [to Buttons the horse] Yeah, you used to be somebody's, huh? Now you're just yours.

Aaron: I know you're feeling like an outsider. It's not your fault, you know. Eric and I, we're still looked at as outsiders in a lot of ways. We've heard our fair share of well-meaning, but hilariously offensive things from some otherwise really nice men and women. People are people. The more afraid they get, the more stupid they get. Fear shrinks the brain. They're scared of you and me for different reasons. They're less scared of me because they know me. It's less and less every day. So let them get to know you. You should go to Deanna's party tonight.

Daryl Dixon: I got nothing to prove. I met a lot of bad people out here doing a lot of bad shit. They weren't afraid of nothing.

Aaron: Yeah, they were.

Jessie Anderson: You know, everyone's been through it somehow. Everyone.

Rick Grimes: And a lot of things disappeared.

Jessie Anderson: But a lot of bullshit went with it. They're all from totally different backgrounds, different places. They never would have even met. And now they're part of each other's lives. They are each other's lives. I'm just saying, we all lost things, but we got something back. It isn't enough, but it's something.

Carol Peletier: You can never tell anyone, especially your mom. Because if you do one morning you'll wake up and you won't be in your bed.

Sam Anderson: Where will I be?

Carol Peletier: You'll be outside the walls far, far away tied to a tree. And you'll scream and scream because you'll be so afraid. No one will come to help because no one will hear you. Well, something will hear you. The monsters will come. The ones out there. And you won't be able to run away when they come for you. And they will tear you apart and eat you up all while you're still alive. All while you can still feel it. And then afterwards, no one will ever know what happened to you. Or you can promise not to ever tell anyone what you saw here and then nothing will happen. And you'll get cookies. Lots of cookies.

Spend [5.14][edit]

Reg Monroe: How is it that you called this extremely early morning meeting, yet I'm the one bringing breakfast?

Noah: 'Cause you're a good guy.

Reg Monroe: The evidence seems to go in that direction.

Rick Grimes: You ever heard about the broken window theory? Boils down to this- you keep the windows intact, you keep society intact.

Eugene Porter: So you're aware, I'm on record as stating that I should not be here. You well know that I'm not combat ready or even for that matter combat inclined.

Eugene Porter: I got you all to DC, which, in this man's opinion, is damn near nirvana by current standards.

Tara Chambler: Except you didn't get us here. We got you here.

Eugene Porter: But were it not for me and my mention of this city's potential for home and hearth, not a one of you would have had the vision to come here, let alone the cojones to travail such a fraught and punishing pilgrimage. And that, sister, is a fact. That's as cold and hard as they come.

Tara Chambler: God, you're really that much of a coward?

Eugene Porter: Yes, I am. I told you I was.

Try [5.15][edit]

Glenn Rhee: Nicholas, don't talk, just listen. Those four people you lost on that run, that's on you. And Noah, that's on you, too. Those five lives, you have to carry that. People like you are supposed to be dead, but these walls went up just in time, so you're not. You don't go outside those walls anymore. Not by yourself, not with anyone else. And that's how you're gonna survive.

Nicholas: Who the hell do you think you are?

Glenn Rhee: I'm someone who knows who you are. I know what you did. And it's not gonna happen again.

Enid: It's their world. We're just living in it.

Rick Grimes: You still don't get it. None of you do! We know what needs to be done and we do it. We're the ones who live. You, you just sit and plan and hesitate. You pretend like you know when you don't. You wish things weren't what they are. Well, you want to live? You want this place to stay standing? Your way of doing things is done. Things don't get better because you- you want them to. Starting right now, we have to live in the real world. We have to control who lives here.

Deanna Monroe: That's never been more clear to me than it is right now.

Rick Grimes: Me? Me? You- You mean- you mean me? Your way is gonna destroy this place. It's gonna get people killed. It's already gotten people killed. And I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen. If you don't fight, you die. I'm not gonna stand by-

[Michonne knocks Rick out]

Conquer [5.16][edit]

Morgan Jones: What's the W for?

W Man: You know, the first settlers here, they put bounties on wolves' heads. Brought the natives into it. Made them hunt them. Didn't take them too long to kill them all. They're back now. Thoughts?

Morgan Jones: Everything gets a return.

Reg Monroe: The cavemen, they were all nomads. And they all died. Then we evolved into this and we lived. Civilization starts when we stop running. When we live together. When we stop sending people away from the world and from each other.

Rick Grimes: I don't want to lie anymore.

Carol Peletier: You said you don't want to take this place. And you don't want to lie? Oh, sunshine, you don't get both.

Carol Peletier: [to Pete] I could kill you right now. I could. I will. And then who would believe I did it because I didn't like you? No one. They'd believe you tried to hurt me. Definitely believe that. Come at me. No? Yeah? No. The way this has played out, you have a chance. You're here. Your wife's there. You're a small, weak nothing. And with the world how it is, you're even weaker. Play your cards right, maybe you don't have to die. And I want my dish back clean when you're done.

Daryl Dixon: Why?

Morgan Jones: Why? Because all life is precious, Daryl.

Season 6 (2015–2015)[edit]

First Time Again [6.01][edit]

Rick Grimes: I know this sounds insane, but this is an insane world. We have to come for them before they come for us, it's that simple.

Eugene Porter: [to Heath] I fully respect the hair game.

Heath: This was supposed to be a dress rehearsal.

Glenn Rhee: I'm supposed to be delivering pizzas, man.

Maggie Greene: [to Tara] Glenn saves people. Even people like that. I couldn't accept it either. But then I thought about you. How we were on different sides of that fence on the worst day of my life. And now you're one of the most important people in the world to me. Things can get better. We can make them better.

Abraham Ford: [to Sasha] Well, look at me. You didn't see Reg the night he got it. That was a mess. And Pete. His face just blowing up like Pompeii right when we were cheek to cheek. I still think I got some of his brains in my ear.

Morgan Jones: You with that man Carter, in the armory- that's you. You're still the same man I met in King County. The one that came back and told me it wasn't over. That was you. Same you that's right in front of me right now.

Rick Grimes: I wanted to kill him. So it would be easier. So I wouldn't have to worry about how he could screw up or what stupid thing he'd do next because that's who he is. Just somebody who shouldn't be alive now. I wanted to kill him. But all that hit me and I realized I didn't have to do it. He doesn't get it. Somebody like that they're gonna die no matter what.

JSS [6.02][edit]

Carol Peletier: [to Sam] Your dad used to hit you and then he got himself killed. It happened. Now it's done. You live with it or it eats you up. Go home.

Denise Cloyd: Listen, I'm a little nervous here. I'm a psychiatrist. I went to med school. I was even gonna be a surgeon, but after the panic attacks, I got really interested in psychology. And I think I'm really trying to lower expectations here.

Morgan Jones: My people have guns. Yours don't. They may be aiming rifles at you right now. Eyes at the scopes. Fingers on the trigger. Boom. It's gonna happen any second now unless you get the hell out of here and you don't ever come back. You keep choosing this life, you will die.

Wolf: We didn't choose.

Eugene Porter[to Denise]: You're a doctor.

Denise Cloyd: Are you?

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Walter: My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. To all law enforcement entitles, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now. Skyler, you are the love of my life. I hope you know that. Walter Junior, you're my big man. There are...there are going to be some things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that no-no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye.

Walt Jr.: So, how's it feel to be old?

Walter: How does it feel to be a smart ass?

Jesse: Why are you here?

Walter: I was curious. Honestly, I never expected you to amount to much, but methamphetamine? I didn't picture that. There's a lot of money in it, huh?

Jesse: I don't know what you're talking about.

Walter No?

Jesse: Not a clue.

Walter: "Cap'n Cook?" That's not you? Like I said, no one is looking for you.

Jesse: Look, I don't know what you think you're doing here, Mr. White. I mean, if you're planning on giving me some bullshit about getting right with Jesus by turning myself in...

Walter: Not really.

Jesse: High school was a long time ago. You ain't Welcome Back, Kotter, so step off. No speeches.

Walter: Short speech. You lost your partner today. What's his name – Emilio? Emilio is going to prison. The DEA took all your money, your lab. You got nothing. Square one. But you know the business. And I know the chemistry. I'm thinking...maybe you and I could partner up.

Jesse: You, uh...you want to cook crystal meth? You. You and, uh...and me?

Walter: That's right. Either that...or I turn you in.

Walter: Did you learn nothing from my chemistry class?

Jesse: No. You flunked me, remember? You prick! Now let me tell you something else. This ain't chemistry – this is art. Cooking is art. And the shit I cook is the bomb, so don't be telling me.

Walter: The shit you cook is shit. I saw your set-up. Ridiculous. You and I will not make garbage. We will produce a chemically pure and stable product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No baby formula. No chili powder.

Jesse: No, no, chili P is my signature!

Walter: Not anymore.

Jesse: Man, some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, all of a sudden at age what, sixty, he's just gonna break bad?

Walter: I'm fifty.

Jesse: It's weird is all, okay? It doesn't compute. Listen, if you've gone crazy or something I mean, if you've gone crazy or depressed, I'm just saying that's something I need to know about. Okay? I mean, that affects me.

Walter: I am awake.

Cat's in the Bag [1.02][edit]

Walter: After we finish cleaning up this mess, we will go our separate ways. Our paths will never cross and we will tell this to no one. Understood?

Jesse: Oh what, I can talk now? [pause] Fine! That goes double for me!

[Walter and Jesse hear a moan. They turn around and notice Krazy-8 is still barely alive]

Jesse: Oh shit.

Walter: What is his reputation for violence?

Jesse: Well, um, he did try to kill us both yesterday, so there's that.

Jesse: Mr. White? Are you smoking weed? Oh my God! Wait a minute, is that my weed? What the hell, man? Make yourself at home, why don't you?

Walter: So what did you end up buying?

Jesse: Nothing. No store in town sells a plastic bin big enough for a body.

Walter: I don't suppose you could buy two bins... [makes a sawing motion] Legs in one, torso in the other?

Jesse: God. I don't suppose you could kiss my ass?

Skyler: Who's this Jesse Pinkman to you?

Walter: He...sells me pot.

Skyler: He sells you pot?

Walter: Marijuana, yeah. Not a lot. I mean, I don't know. I kind of like it.

Skyler: Are you out of your mind? What are you, like sixteen years old? Your brother-in-law is a DEA agent! What is wrong with you?

Walter: Skyler, I just...haven't quite been myself lately.

Skyler: Yeah, no shit. Thanks for noticing.

Walter: I haven't been myself lately, but I love you. Nothing about that has changed, nothing ever will. So right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you please, just once, get off my ass, you know? I'd appreciate it, I really would.

Jesse: You got a brother in the goddamned DEA?!

Walt: What?

Jesse: You said you were just doing some ride-along! Yes or no, do you have a brother in the DEA?

Walt: Brother-in-law.

Jesse: Oh, now there's a load off my mind.

Walt: Where did you hear that?

Jesse: Your freaking wife told me when she was here all up on my shit! Yeah, that's right. She almost caught me moving Emilio! Good job wearing the pants in the family! And why did you go telling her I was selling you weed?

Walt: Because somehow it seemed preferable to admitting that I cook crystal meth and killed a man.

...And the Bag's in the River [1.03][edit]

Jesse: I didn't ask for any of this! How am I supposed to live here now, huh? My whole house smells like toe cheese and dry cleaning.

Walter: Because you didn't follow my instructions!

Jesse: Oh well, heil Hitler, bitch! And let me tell you something else. We flipped a coin, okay? You and me. You and me! Coin flip is sacred! Your job is waiting for you in that basement, as per the coin!

Walter Jr.: So why are you telling me this?

Hank: 'Cause I love you, you little bastard.

Krazy-8: Walter, you getting to know me is not gonna make it any easier for you to kill me. Not that I mind, you understand.

Walter: You know, you keep telling me that I don't have it in me. Well, maybe, maybe not. I sure as hell am looking for any reason not to. I mean, any good reason at all. Sell me. Tell me what it is.

Krazy-8: I guess I'd start off by promising that if you let me go, I won't come after you. That you'd be safe. I guess I'd say what happened between us never happened. And what's best for both parties is we forget all about it. But you know that anybody in my situation would make promises like that, and though in my case they happen to be true, you'd never know for sure. So what else can I tell you?

Walter: I don't know. But you gotta convince me and you're going nowhere until you do.

[Walter approaches Krazy-8, now aware he is hiding a shattered plate piece to stab Walter once released]

Krazy-8: You're doing the right thing, Walter.

Walter: Do you want to... [motions for Krazy-8 to turn around so he can unlock the chain. Krazy-8 turns around] So you're not angry?

Krazy-8: How do you mean? Angry? No. Live and let live, man.

Walter: That's very understanding.

Krazy-8: Whatever, man. I just want to go home.

Walter: Me too.

Krazy-8: Unlock me, Walter.

Walter: The moment I do, are you gonna stick me with that broken piece of plate?

[Walter pulls back on the lock, choking Krazy-8. Krazy-8 attempts to swing the plate piece behind him but can only stab Walter's leg a few times. Krazy-8 slowly dies]

Walter: I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...

[in a flashback to Walter's younger days]

Walter: I don't know. Just...doesn't it seem like...something's missing?

Gretchen: What about the soul?

Walter: The soul? There's nothing but chemistry here.

Cancer Man [1.04][edit]

Hank: So be on notice. We got new players in town. We don't know who they are, where they come from, but they possess an extremely high skill-set. Me personally? I'm thinking Albuquerque just might have a new kingpin.

Walter: I have cancer. Lung cancer. It's bad.

[Walter sees Jesse sneak into his backyard]

Walter: You can't be serious. What the hell are you doing here?

Jesse: Yo, I waited 'til the ball buster left. I mean, no offense.

Walter: Who sent you? You wearing a wire? You setting me up?

Jesse: A wire? You want a wire? I got a wire. [grabs crotch] Speak into the mic, bitch! What the hell's wrong with you? A wire.

Walter: So who did you tell about–

Jesse: Nobody! What are you, nuts?

Walter: Then why are you here?

Jesse: I don't know. To like...touch base.

Walter: Touch base?

Jesse: Yeah, you know...what you call...a debrief? Maybe we could like...I thought we could debrief.

Walter: Wow, that's...that's what you think we need, to debrief?

Jesse: Yeah, after what happened, it just seems like the thing to do. Kind of, you know, talk about it. We can't talk to anybody else. Anyway, that and I wanted to...I wanted to tell you how much everybody digs that meth we cooked.

Walter: Everybody digs...the meth we cooked.

Jesse: Seriously, I got dudes that would give their left nut for a little more.

Walter: Great.

Jesse: I'm just saying, if you ever...saw your way clear to...you know, you and I...cooking a little more.

Walter: Get the hell off my property.

Jesse: What? I'm just saying.

Walter: Go and don't come back. Now!

Jesse: Alright. You know what? [Jesse takes out a wad of cash] Four grand. Your share from selling that batch. That's why I'm here. Yeah, that's right. I didn't smoke it all. [Jesse tosses the money into Walter's pool and leaves]

Jesse: Right on, little bro! Making mad in-roads with the business community.

Skyler: Can I call them and tell them you'll start next week?

Walter: I just think that we need to...discuss it a little more, that's all.

Skyler: What is there to discuss? You're going to get the best treatment and he's the best.

Walter: Well, there's the money discussion. $90,000 out of pocket. Maybe more.

Skyler: There's a way, Walt. There's financing, there's installment plans. I could always go back to work. Walt, there's always a way.

Walter: Alright. Skyler, say that there is a way, and we spend all that money, and...am I supposed to leave you with all that debt? I just don't want emotions ruling us. Maybe treatment isn't the way to go.

Walter Jr.: Then why don't you just fucking die already? Just give up and die.

Gray Matter [1.05][edit]

Jesse: Yo, why would you want this lame-ass job anyway? I mean, no offense.

Badger: Because I'm on probation, yo. Gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated. [smokes a joint]

Walter: Well, back when Elliott and I were in grad school, we came up with the name. Schwartz: black. Walter White. So together, they became Gray Matter Technologies.

Farley: Cute, huh?

Man: So you run the company with Elliott?

Walter: Well, no. No, that's Gretchen and Elliott. I gravitated toward education.

Man: What university?

[Walter clears his throat and takes a drink]

Walter: Alright, I've got the Talking Pillow now. Okay? We all, in this room, love each other. We want what's best for each other and I know that. I am very thankful for that. But...what I want...what I want, what I need, is a choice.

Skyler: What does that...mean?

Walter: Sometimes I feel like I never actually make any of my own. Choices, I mean. My entire life, it just seems I never...you know, had a real say about any of it. Now this last one, cancer...all I have left is how I choose to approach this.

Skyler: Then make the right choice, Walt. You're not the only one it affects. What about your son? Don't you wanna see your daughter grow up? I just...

Walter: Of course I do. Skyler, you've read the statistics. These doctors...talking about surviving. One year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it, to just survive if I am too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love? For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house. I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't wanna choke down 30 or 40 pills every single day, lose my hair, and lie around too tired to get up...and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. And you cleaning up after me? Me...some dead man, some artificially alive...just marking time? No. No. And that's how you would remember me. That's the worst part. So...that is my thought process, Skyler. I'm sorry. I just...I choose not to do it.

Jesse: Yo.

Walter: Wanna cook?

Crazy Handful of Nothin' [1.06][edit]

Walter: Let's get something straight. This – the chemistry – is my realm. I am in charge of the cooking. Out there on the street, you deal with that. As far as our customers go, I don't want to know anything about them. I don't need to see them. I don't want to hear from them. I want no interaction with them whatsoever. This operation is you and me, and I'm the silent partner. You got any issues with that?

Jesse: Whatever, man.

Walter: No matter what happens, no more bloodshed. No violence.

[cut to a brief flash forward of Walter, with a shaved head and bloody nose, walking away from a chaotic scene with a smoking building in the background. He is holding a bag with blood on it]

Jesse: When were you going to tell me?

Walter: Tell you what?

Jesse: Cancer. You got it, right?

Walter: How did you know?

Jesse: [pointing to Walter's chemo mark on his chest] My aunt had one of those...dots on her to target the radiation. What is it, in your lung? I'm your partner, man. You should have told me. That's not cool, okay? Not at all. What stage are you?

Walter: 3-A.

Jesse: Gone to your lymph nodes.

Walter: Your aunt...How bad was she when they caught it?

Jesse: Bad enough. She didn't last long.

Walter: How long?

Jesse: Seven months. I get it now. That's why you're doing all this. You want to make some cash for your people before you check out.

Walter: You got a problem with that?

Jesse: You tell me. You're the one that looks like you just crawled out of a microwave.

Walter: We have to move our production bulk wholesale now. How do we do that?

Jesse: What do you mean? To, like, a distributor?

Walter: Yes. Yes, that's what we need. We need a distributor now. Do you know anyone like that?

Jesse: Yeah. I mean, I used to until you killed him.

Walter Jr.: [upon seeing Walter's shaved head] Badass, dad.

[Walter enters Tuco's office, as he examines a sample of the pound of meth Walter brought with him]

Tuco: What's your name?

Walter: Heisenberg.

Tuco: Heisenberg. Okay, have a seat, Heisenberg.

Walter: I don't imagine I'll be here very long.

Tuco: No? Alright, be that way. It's your meeting. Why don't you start talking and tell me what you want?

Walter: $50,000.

Tuco: [laughs] Oh man! Fifty G's? How you figure that?

Walter: 35 for the pound of meth you stole and another 15 for my partner's pain and suffering.

Tuco: Partner? [puts a cigarette out on his tongue] Oh yeah, I remember that little bitch! So you must be daddy. Let me get this straight...I steal your dope, hmm? I... beat the piss out of your mule boy, and then you walk in here, and you bring me more meth? [laughs] That's a brilliant plan, ese. Brilliant.

Walter: You got one part of that wrong. [reaches out and picks up the crystal Tuco had examined] This... is not meth.

[Walter throws the piece to the floor. The impact causes a tremendous explosion which knocks everyone off their feet and blows out all the windows in Tuco's office. Walter grabs the bag in the midst of the smoke.]

Tuco: Are you nuts?!

Walter: [holding the bag threateningly over his head] You want to find out?

[Tuco's men get to their feet and draw their guns]

Tuco: No-Doze, Gonzo, calma! Calma. Calma. You got balls, I'll give you that. Alright...alright. I'll give you your money. [Tuco opens his safe and hands Walter a sack filled with $50,000] That crystal your partner brought me, it sold faster than $10 ass in TJ. What you say you bring me another pound next week?

Walter: Money up front.

Tuco: Alright. Money up front. Sometimes you got to rob to keep your riches, just as long as we got an understanding.

Walter: One pound is not going to cut it. You have to take two.

Tuco: Orale. [points to Walter's bag] Hey, what is that shit?

Walter: Fulminate of mercury. A little tweak of chemistry.

A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal [1.07][edit]

[Turned on by the danger of the meth investigation, Walter has sex with Skyler in their car]

Skyler: Where...did that come from? And why was it so damn good?

Walter: Because it was illegal.

[Walter and Jesse are meeting Tuco at a junkyard]

Jesse: A junkyard? Let me guess, you picked this place?

Walter: What's wrong with it? It's private.

Jesse: This is...This is like a...a non-criminal's idea of a drug meet. This is like, "Oh, I saw this in a movie. Ooh, look at me."

Walter: Yeah, so...so where do you transact business? Enlighten me.

Jesse: I don't know. How about Taco Cabeza? Half the deals I've ever done went down at Taco Cabeza. Nice and public. Open twenty-four hours. Nobody ever gets shot at Taco Cabeza. Hell, why not the mall? You know, wait at the Gap. "Hey! It's time for the meet!" You know, I'll put down the flat-front khakis, head on over, grab an Orange Julius. Skip the part where psycho lunatic Tuco, you know, comes and steals my drugs and leaves me bleeding to death.

Jesse: Four pounds. Four pounds – like two pounds wasn't bad enough. We're talking two – three-hundred boxes of sinus pills. There ain't that many Smurfs in the world.

Walter: We're not going to need pseudoephedrine. We're going to make phenylacetone in a tube furnace, then we're going to use reductive amination to yield methamphetamine. Four pounds.

Jesse: So no pseudo?

Walter: No pseudo.

Jesse: So you do have a plan! Yeah Mr. White! Yeah science!

[Walter is making home-made thermite in Jesse's kitchen for the purpose of stealing methylamine.]

Jesse: And that'll cut through a lock? Because this is supposed to be one big-ass lock.

Walter: In World War II, the Germans had an artillery piece – it's the biggest in the world – called the Gustav Gun, and it weighed a thousand tons. And the Gustav was capable of firing a seven-ton shell and hitting a target, accurately, twenty-three miles away. [chuckles] I mean, you could drop bombs on it every day for a month without ever disabling it. But, drop a commando – one man, with just a bag of this – and he could melt right through four inches of steel and destroy that gun forever.

[He tosses the bag of thermite to Jesse, who flinches as he catches it.]

Jesse: Jeez.

Walter: So yes, I think it'll cut through any lock we're likely to find.

[Walter and Jesse meet Tuco and his men at the junkyard with their new meth]

Tuco: What is this shit? This is blue.

Walter: We used a different chemical process, but it is every bit as pure.

Jesse: It may be blue, but it's the bomb.

Tuco: [snorts meth] Tight! Tight, tight, yeah! Oh, blue, yellow, pink. Whatever, man. Just keep bringing me that.

No-Doze: [weighing the bag of meth] Four point six.

Tuco: Uh! Come on. [Gonzo hands the money to Walter and Jesse] What did I say, man? This guy can cook! You're alright, man. You're alright. We're going to make a lot of money together.

No-Doze: [with a lot of attitude] Just remember who you're working for.

Tuco: [angered, he turns and faces him] What did you say?

No-Doze: I'm just saying they got to know that they're working for you.

Tuco: Like they don't already know that? Are you saying they're stupid?

No-Doze: No, I'm just...I'm just saying.

Tuco: Oh yeah, so you're not saying they're stupid. So I don't understand. Are you saying that I'm stupid?

No-Doze: No, come on, Tuco. I'm just...I'm just saying.

Tuco: No, you're just speaking for me! Like I ain't got the goddamn sense to speak for myself! Is that it? Is that what you're doing?

Walter: Tuco. Tuco, hey, why don't we just all relax, huh?

Tuco: [laughs] Heisenberg says "relax". Orale, holmes. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

[Tuco punches No-Doze in the face. Tuco proceeds to punch him over and over while he is on the ground, leaving him bloody and possibly dead]

Tuco: [showing off his bloody knuckles] Damn, man! Look at that! Look! Yeah, that's messed up! Okay, Heisenberg! Next week. [chuckles]

[Tuco and Gonzo drive off with No-Doze's bloody body. Walter and Jesse look at each other in horror]

Season 2[edit]

Seven-Thirty-Seven [2.01][edit]

Walter: Adjusting for inflation – good state college – adjusting for inflation, say $45,000 a year, two kids, four years of college...$360,000. Remaining mortgage on the home, $107,000. Home equity line, $30,000, that's $137,000. Cost of living, food, clothing, utilities, say two grand a month? I mean, that should put a dent in it, anyway. 24K a year provides for, say, ten years. That's $240,000, plus 360 plus 137...737. $737,000, that's what I need. That is what I need. You and I both clear about 70 grand a week. That's only ten and a half more weeks. Call it eleven. Eleven more drug deals and always in a public place from now on. It's doable. Definitely doable.

Jesse: Oh, we are dead. Dead men! Muerto, or muerte, or however the hell you...Jesus...

Walter: This is conjecture.

Jesse: This is conjecture?

Walter: Conjecture, yes. And conjecture isn't helping.

Jesse: Oh, my conjecture isn't helping?

Walter: Could you just state the facts?

Jesse: Alright, fine, facts in. Fact A: my phone rang like eight times last night. Dead air, hang-ups every time. Second fact? Like three in the morning, I saw that black Caddy of his cruising my neighborhood. No headlights.

Walter: No, if he wanted to kill us, he would have done it at the junkyard.

Jesse: What is that? Conjecture? Are you basing that on that he's got a normal, healthy brain or something? Did you not see him beat a dude to death for, like, nothing? And that way-that way he just kept staring at us. Saying, "You're done." You're done?! You wanna know what that means? I will tell you what that means! That means exactly how it sounds, yo! Alright, we are witnesses, we are loose ends! Right now, Tuco's thinking, "Yeah, hey, they cook good meth, but can I trust them?" What happens when he decides "no"?

[Jesse is explaining how he will kill Tuco]

Jesse Alright, say we set up one last sale, this is providing he doesn't decide to waste us before then. Now every time we bring in a new batch he always tests the product, right? So as his head is down, y'know giving it a snort, just pop, pop, pop!

Walter: Pop, pop, pop? So three shots?

Jesse: Yeah, three shots, or I dunno, two?

Walter: Wait, so is it two or is it three?

Jesse: I mean, two would probably work, I guess, yeah.

Walter: Okay, two shots. Two shots in the chest, two shots in the face, what?

Jesse: Man, c'mon!

Walter: No, I am just trying to understand how this works!

Jesse: Look, it's got five bullets. I finally figured out how to...[Jesse struggles to open the gun]...look, I just finally...[Jesse gives up]...I figured it out. I say we get a second gun. Right? For you? I mean, don't we like double our chances? I mean, mathematically?

Walter: I've got a better idea.

Jesse: Oh thank God!

Skyler: I need support. Me, the almost forty year old pregnant woman with the surprise baby on the way. And the husband with lung cancer who disappears for hours on end and I don't know where he goes and he barely even speaks to me anymore. With the moody son who does the same thing. And the overdrawn checking account. And the lukewarm water heater that leaks rusty looking crap and is rotting out the floor of the utility closet and we can't even afford to fix it! But oh, I see! Now I'm supposed to go, "Hank, please, what can I possibly do to further benefit my spoiled, kleptomaniac bitch sister who somehow always manages to be the center of attention?" 'Cause God knows she's the one with the really important problems!

Grilled [2.02][edit]

Jesse: So, you plan to, uh, ice Gonzo, like...future tense?

Tuco: What?

Walter: You're saying, Tuco, you're saying Gonzo is currently operating as a police informant as far as you know? [Tuco nods] I'm very sorry to hear that. That's disappointing.

Jesse: Yeah. I would waste him, too, yo.

Tuco: Shut up.

Jesse: Okay.

Marie: Chemotherapy and marijuana go together like apple pie and Chevrolet.

Walter: Chili powder. Did I not already tell you how moronic that was?

Walter: We need a plan.

Jesse: Think, think. Let's just bum rush him, man. You know, you crack him over the head with something and I'll go for his gun.

Walter: Crack him over the head with something? [Walter sarcastically holds up a fly swatter]

Jesse: You got the C, man, alright? You're as good as checked out already, okay? You should be all like sacrificial, jumping on a grenade, yo. Just...

Walter: Oh, so my life is not the priority here because I'm gonna be dead soon anyway? That's your point?

Jesse: Uh, yeah?

[Hector, Tuco's invalid uncle, keeps ringing his bell after catching Walter and Jesse attempting to poison Tuco's food]

Tuco: What? What do you want?! No. Don't even tell me you're hungry. Don't go there. [Tuco notices Hector is staring at Walter and Jesse] Hahaha! Are you mad doggin' them, tio? What, you don't like them? [Hector rings the bell] One ding. That means yes. Tio don't like you. Why don't you like them, tio? You don't trust them? [Hector rings the bell] Why don't you trust them, tio?

Walter: Tuco, c'mon, hey, he's, there's clearly some dementia. He's not lucid.

Tuco: Shh! Did they do something to you, tio? Was it something that you don't like? [Hector rings the bell] What did they do to you? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TIO?!

Walter: Nothing, nothing.

Tuco: BULLSHIT! MY TIO DOES NOT LIE!

Walter: I don't know. I swear, I don't know. I, no, I, it, maybe it was, I did change the channel on his TV, but, uh...

Jesse: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. While you were cooking, you know, he was watching one of those, uh, those, uh, telenovels, y'know, with all those ripe honeys on it? Y'know, he was really into it. I told you not to change the channel, man! Y'know, dude needs his eye candy. That's it!

Tuco: Hahahahaha! Tio! Is that it, tio? Is that it, tio? Did they change your mamitas? [Hector is silent] What are you telling me, tio? Huh? Are they punking me? [Hector rings the bell]

[Tuco slowly walks toward Jesse]

Jesse: Hey...no...no, man. No...

Tuco: COME HERE!

Jesse: Don't shoot!

[Tuco grabs Jesse and drags him outside]

Walter: No, no, Tuco!

[Walter runs after them as Tuco begins to beat up Jesse]

Walter: Tuco...

Tuco: SHUT UP!

[Tuco punches Jesse in the stomach and points the rifle at his head]

Jesse: No, please, no! God, please, no! Oh God, I don't wanna die!

Tuco: Tell me what you did, Walter!

Jesse: Jesus, I don't wanna die! NO!

Tuco: TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!

[Walter notices Jesse has dug up a rock]

Walter: We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you because you are an insane, degenerate piece of filth and you deserve to die.

[Jesse bashes Tuco in the face with the rock. He drops the rifle into a shallow pit. Walter grabs it as Tuco and Jesse scuffle on the ground. Jesse manages to grab a small pistol tucked into Tuco's belt and shoots Tuco in the gut. Tuco screams in pain]

Jesse: [kicking Tuco into the shallow pit] Who's the bitch now?!

Walter: Let him bleed.

Bit by a Dead Bee [2.03][edit]

Marie: Well, which supermarket? Is it like a big one? Like a chain?

Skyler: Marie...

Marie: Don't get me wrong. I think it's just great that he's, y'know, back and he's feeling better. I just, I mean, he...naked. He was naked naked in a supermarket. It wasn't Whole Foods, was it?

[Hank is interrogating Jesse about his car being found at Tuco's hideout]

Hank: So who's your chief, little Injun?

Jesse: What? What does that even mean?

Hank: It means I think your story's bullshit. I think you know who Tuco Salamanca was. I think your car was there because you were there. Tuco had a bullet in him when I got there and I think you know something about that, too.

Jesse: So what're you saying? Like, I shot someone with, like, a gun?

Hank: You? No. Only shooting that you do is into a Kleenex.

Walter: There was no fugue state. I remember everything. The truth is I couldn't stand to spend another second in that house. I just had to...get out. And so I left. I didn't think about it, I just did it. I walked for a long time, and when I couldn't walk anymore, I hitchhiked. I got as far as Gallup. And then it was just time to come home.

Therapist: So, being found naked in a supermarket, that was your way of giving credibility to a lie? Of avoiding questions about your disappearance? Why run away? What did you feel you had to run from?

Walter: Doctor, my wife is seven months pregnant with a baby we didn't intend. My fifteen-year old son has cerebral palsy. I am an extremely overqualified high school chemistry teacher. When I can work, I make $43,700 per year. I have watched all of my colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable. And within eighteen months, I will be dead. And you ask why I ran?

[Hank and Gomez have had Tuco's uncle Hector brought to the interrogation room in hopes that he'll identify Jesse]

Hank: Gomie, you want to do the honors?

Gomez: Buenos tardes, Señor Salamanca. Entiendes el ingles? ["Good evening, Mr. Salamanca. Do you understand English?"]

[Hector rings the bell]

Hank: What does that mean?

DEA Agent: That means "yes". "Yes" is a bell, "no" is no bell.

Jesse: Oh c'mon, this is bullshit! I mean look at this dude, alright? He doesn't even know what planet he's living on!

Gomez: Señor, are we on the planet Mars? [no bell] Are we on the planet Saturn? [no bell] Are we on the planet Earth? [Hector rings the bell] Señor, is today Friday? [no bell] Is today Monday? [no bell] Is today Tuesday? [Hector rings the bell]

Hank: Okay, seems like he's all there. Let's go for it.

Gomez: Señor, was this man at your house yesterday? [Hector does nothing] Señor, was this man at your house yesterday?

Hank: This guy right here, he was at your house, right? Was he doing business with your nephew Tuco?

Gomez: Señor, are you scared of this man?

Hank: Nah, he's not scared. C'mon granddad, why don't you wanna help us out?

[Hector turns to Hank, stands up, and defecates in his chair]

Gomez: Oh man!

Hank: I guess that's a "no"...

Walter: Pay phone?

Jesse: Pay phone, middle of nowhere, nobody followed. So how'd it go?

Walter: Okay. You?

Jesse: They sweated me plenty, but they finally cut me loose. So you getting out of there?

Walter Tomorrow. So who came for you? The DEA? What'd they ask you?

Jesse: Yeah, that's the thing, y'know? Your scumbag brother-in-law took my rainy day fund.

Walter: Your what? What is that?

Jesse: My rainy day fund, $68,000, okay? Cue ball son of a bitch laughed in my face. Now I got, like, eighty bucks to my name.

Walter: Wait, wait, what does he know? Does he know it's your money?

Jesse: No, man, he doesn't know shit, okay? The plan worked. He bought it. I got bills due, man. I'm screwed.

Walter: Did he mention my name?

Jesse: No, thanks for caring.

Walter: How about the basement?

Jesse: It's clean.

Walter: And the RV?

Jesse: Badger's cousin took it to his garage. It's safe.

Walter: Can he get it running again?

Jesse: Why?

Walter: So we can cook.

Jesse: You still wanna cook? Seriously?

Walter: What's changed, Jesse?

Down [2.04][edit]

Walter: [to Skyler] Our son doesn't know who Boz Scaggs is. We have failed as parents.

[Movers are taking away Jesse's things]

Jesse: Hey, hey! What the hell, yo? I thought this was just a wake-up call!

Mrs. Pinkman: We are putting it in storage. When you decide to grow up, you can have it back.

Jesse: No, why don't you grow up, mom? Jenny wanted me here! Alright, I was the one who took care of her. Alright, I took her to her appointments and made her lunch everyday. I earned this!

Mrs. Pinkman: You did not make her lunch everyday.

Jesse: What'd you do, huh? She's lying there dying, and where the hell are you?

Mrs. Pinkman: Don't start with me.

Jesse: And now what? You decided to, oh I don't know, make your eldest son homeless? Wow, great family, mom!

[Mrs. Pinkman slaps Jesse]

Mrs. Pinkman: Why are you like this?! Why?! [pause] You have two sets of keys and the padlock to the garage. Leave them on the kitchen counter when you leave.

Jesse: No, mom, mom, mom! Hey, where am I supposed to go?

Mrs. Pinkman: I don't know, sweetheart. But please, turn your life around.

Jesse: Yeah, yeah, this is gonna help big time with that. BITCH!

[Walter picks up the phone]

Walter: White residence.

Jesse: Yo, it's me. Is this a good time?

Walter: What part of "no contact" didn't you understand?

Jesse: I know, but there's a problem.

Walter: I don't care. We agreed...[Skyler walks by]...no amount of pay-per-view channels is going to make a difference. Honey, we're happy with our cable provider, right? Yep, we're happy. [Walter hangs up]

Skyler: Okay, don't talk, Walt! Shut up and say something that isn't complete bullshit! You want to know what you have to do? You have to tell me what's really going on right now – today. No more excuses, no more apologies, no more of these...these obvious desperate breakfasts! You don't wanna lose contact with me, Walt? Good. Then tell me. Now.

[long pause]

Walter: Tell you what?

[Walter sees Jesse's RV parked in front of his house]

Walter: What the f...?

[Walter knocks on the door and Jesse lets him in]

Jesse: Yo, I'm really sorry, okay?

Walter: What is wrong with you? Why are you blue? Aw Jesus...

Jesse: Long story. Let's just say it starts with my parents being greedy kleptomaniac douchebags.

Walter: Are you actually this stupid...

Jesse: No, look, I know this isn't an optimal situation...

Walter: ...to come to my house, and park on my street, driving this vehicle? I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?! I'm really asking!

Jesse: Nothing. I'm sorry, I just...

Walter: What if Skyler had seen you, huh? What then? What was the plan then, genius? Hm?

Jesse: I don't know.

Walter: You don't know. You know why you don't know? Because you don't think! That's why! You don't think! You never figured out how to think, did you, big man?

Jesse: Hey, I said I was sorry, alright? I just need my half of the money and I'll go!

Walter: Your half? There is no your half of the money! There is only my all of it, do you understand?! Why, why should I be penalized because of your sloppiness?!

[Walter pushes Jesse]

Jesse: Look, that is completely uncool, alright? We agreed 50/50, partners!

Walter: Partners in what? What exactly do you do here, I've been meaning to ask. Because I'm the producer, right? I cook. But from what I can tell, you are just a drug addict! You are a pathetic junkie too stupid to understand and follow simple rudimentary instructions! Too stupid to–

[Jesse grabs Walter by the head and shoves him into the wall. The two struggle. Jesse pushes Walter to the ground and starts to strangle him. He lifts his fist up to punch Walter.]

Walter: ...Do it...

[Jesse lowers his fist and collapses next to Walter, both exhausted]

Breakage [2.05][edit]

Hank: So things are quiet, y'know? Not a lot of crystal on the streets right now.

Merkert: Good.

Hank: Of course that's not gonna last. I'm waiting to see who's gonna rally the roaches now that his turf is up for grabs.

Merkert: No takers so far?

Hank: Well, we keep hearing a name. Heisenberg. Lately pretty much every dimebagger we come across.

Merkert: Heisenberg?

Hank: Yeah, I know. Maybe it's a tweaker urban legend. Still, somebody somewhere is cooking that big blue we keep finding.

Jane: And in addition to first and last, I want two more months. D.B.A.A. fee, non-refundable.

Jesse: Yeah, of course. Non-refundable. D.B.A.A. Obviously. Yeah. Alright...so, uh...what's D.B.A.A?

Jane: Don't Be An Asshole.

Jesse: We got to be Tuco. Alright, cut out the middle man, run our own game.

Walter: So you're going to what? Snort meth off a bowie knife? You're gonna beat your homies to death when they "dis" you?

Jesse: Look, I know some guys, alright? I can create a network. Look, we control production and distribution. That way we stay off the front lines while moving some serious glass. I mean, the point here is to make money, right? Sky high stacks!

Walter: No.

Jesse: No? That's not the point?

Walter: No, I am not willing to do that!

Jesse: Who said anything about you?

Walter: I don't vote for this plan. I'm not comfortable bringing in unknown entities into our operation.

Jesse: Yeah? Well, you don't get to vote.

Walter: I beg your pardon? This is a partnership, remember?

Jesse: I remember, oh, I remember. That you cook, I sell. That was the division of labor when we started all this. And that's exactly how we should have kept it! 'Cause I sure as hell didn't find myself locked in a trunk or on my knees with a GUN to my head before your greedy old ass came along, alright?

Walter: Alright, I will admit to a bit of a learning curve.

Jesse: Oh-ho!

Walter: And perhaps I was overly ambitious. In any case, it's not gonna happen that way anymore.

Jesse: Yeah, damn straight. Know why? 'Cause we do things my way this time or I walk! You need me more than I need you...Walt.

Walter Jr.: Yeah. Hell yeah. Kick ass and take names.

Walter: You asked me what I want you to do.

[Walter places a gun in front of Jesse]

Walter: I want you to handle it.

Peekaboo [2.06][edit]

Jesse: You got something for me?

Skinny Pete: Yeah, I found 'em.

[Skinny Pete hands Jesse a piece of paper]

Jesse: Is this a five or an S?

Skinny Pete: Five, yo. No wait...S. No, no...yeah, five.

Jesse: Yeah? Jesus, how the hell do you spell "street" wrong? S-T-R-E-A-T?

Skinny Pete: Hey, man, I'm slingin' mad volume and fat stackin' benjis, you know what I'm sayin'? I can't be all about, like, spelling and shit.

Jesse: Okay. So they got names?

Skinny Pete: Hers is like, I dunno, she's just his woman is all. Him, they call Spooge.

Jesse: Spooge? Not Mad Dog? Not Diesel? So lemme get this straight, you got jacked by a guy named Spooge?

Walter: The man who invented the diamond. Alright. H. Tracy Hall – write this name down. Dr. Hall invented the first reproducible process for making synthetic diamonds. I mean, this is way back in the 50's. Now today, synthetic diamonds are used in oil drilling, electronics, multi-billion dollar industries. Now at the time, Dr. Hall worked for General Electric and he made them a fortune. I mean, incalculable. You want to know how GE rewarded Dr. Hall? A $10 U.S. savings bond. [Walt becomes angry but calms himself] Anyway, a savings bond printed on carbon-based paper paid to a carbon-based man for something he made out of...carbon.

Spooge: I told ya, Diesel, we ain't holding, man.

Spooge's Woman: We shot it all.

Jesse: Yeah? You shot an ounce? In a day and a half?

Spooge: Yeah.

Jesse: Alright, tell you what. Both of you pull it out your butts right now, or I go grab a flashlight and some pliers and go exploring.

Gretchen: Let me just get this straight: Elliott and I offered to pay for your treatment, no strings attached – an offer which still stands by the way – and you turn us down out of pride, whatever. And then you tell your wife that in fact we are paying for your treatment. Without our knowledge, against our will, you involve us in your lie, and you sit here and tell me that that is none of my business?

[long pause]

Walter: Yeah. That's pretty much the size of it.

Gretchen: What happened to you? Really, Walt? What happened? Because this isn't you.

Walter: What would you know about me, Gretchen? What would your presumption about me be exactly? That I should go begging for your charity, and you waving your checkbook around like some magic wand is going to make me forget how you and Elliott – how you and Elliott – cut me out?

Gretchen: What? That can't be how you see it.

Walter: It was my hard work. My research. And you and Elliott made millions off it.

Gretchen: That cannot be how you see it.

Walter: Oh God, that's beautifully done.

Gretchen: You left.

Walter: You are always the picture of innocence.

Gretchen: You left me.

Walter: The picture of innocence. Just sweetness and light.

Gretchen: You left me. Fourth of July weekend, you and my father and my brothers. And I go up to our room and you are packing your bags. Barely talking. What, did I dream all that?

Walter: That's your excuse? To build your little empire on my work?

Gretchen: How could you say that to me? You walked away, you abandoned us. Me, Elliott...

Walter: Little rich girl, just adding to your millions.

Gretchen: I don't even know what to say to you. I don't even know where to begin. I feel so sorry for you, Walt.

Walter: Fuck you.

Jesse: You have a good rest of your life, kid.

Negro Y Azul [2.07][edit]

[A norteño band has written a song about "Heisenberg"]

The city's called Duke,

The state's called New Mexico.

Among gangsters,

The gringo's fame is inflated

'Cause of the new drug they created.

They say the color is blue

And the quality pure.

The potent drug's runnin'

Through the city,

And no one could stop it

If they wanted to.

The cartel's runnin' hot because

They weren't getting respect.

Talkin' 'bout some "Heisenberg"

Who owns the market now.

No one knows the man since

They've never seen his face.

The cartel's 'bout respect

And they ain't forgiving.

But that homie's dead,

He just doesn't know it yet.

Heisenberg's fame has got

Down to Michoacan.

From way far away

They want to taste that meth.

That blue stuff crossed the border,

Now New Mexico's livin' up to its name.

Looks like Mexico

In all the drugs it's hiding.

Except there's a gringo boss

And he's known as "Heisenberg".

The cartel's runnin' hot because

They weren't getting respect,

Talkin' 'bout some "Heisenberg"

Who owns the market now.

No one knows the man since

They've never seen his face.

The fury of the cartel

Ain't no one escaped it yet.

But that homie's dead,

He just doesn't know it yet.

Walter: Jesse, look at me, you are a blow fish.

Jesse: What?

Walter: A blow fish, think about it. Small in stature, not swift, not cunning, easy prey for predators, but the blow fish has a secret weapon, doesn't he? Doesn't he? What does the blow fish do, Jesse? What does the blow fish do?

Jesse: I don't even know what...

Walter: The blow fish puffs up, okay? The blow fish puffs himself up four, five times larger than normal but why? Why does he do that? Because it makes him intimidating, that's why. Intimidating so that the other scarier fish are scared off and that's you. You are a blow fish. Don't you see? It's just all, all an illusion. It's nothing but air. Now, who messes with the blow fish, Jesse?

Jesse: Nobody.

Walter: You're damn right.

Jesse: I'm a blow fish.

Walter: You are a blow fish. Say it again.

Jesse: A blow fish!

Walter: Say it like you mean it!

Jesse: I'M A BLOW FISH! BLOW FISH! YEEEAAAH! BLOW FISHIN' THIS UP!

[Jesse takes big bong hit]

Tortuga: Hey white boy, my name's Tortuga. You know what that means?

Hank: If I have to guess, I'd say that's Spanish for asshole.

Tortuga: Tortuga means turtle, and that's me. I take my time but I always win.

[The DEA finds Tortuga's severed head on a turtle with the words "Hola DEA" written on it. Hank staggers back to the truck, feeling sick]

Vanco: Schrader, where you going?

Hank: E...Evidence bag...bag...

[The other DEA agents laugh]

Vanco: What's the matter, Schrader? You act like you've never seen a severed human head on a tortoise before!

[Four DEA agents gather around the turtle]

Vanco: Hey! Welcome to–

[A hidden bomb inside the turtle explodes, blowing away three agents and blowing off Vanco's leg]

Jesse: The game has changed, yo. This is our city, alright? All of it. The whole damn place. Our territory. We're staking our claim. Yo, we sell when we want, where we want. We're gonna be kings, understand? Well, I'm gonna be king and you guys will be, like, princes or dukes or something.

Badger: I wanna be a knight.

Jesse: But first things first: we gotta get more dealers, y'know, foot soldiers, alright? Now they'll be working for you, you're working for me, and I'm working for you. You follow me? Layered, like nachos. Exponential growth. That's success, with a capital S.

Skinny Pete: Straight up, straight up.

Combo: Fo' shizzle.

Badger: Friggin' awesome.

[Everybody puts their hands in. Jesse leaves, heads outside and gets into Walter's car]

Jesse: Well, we're set. Boys are ready. Gonna make some mad cheddar, yo. [Walter looks at Jesse] Cheddar, Mr. White. Fat stacks. Dead Presidents. Cash money. We're gonna own this city.

Walter: We're not charging enough.

Jesse: What?

Walter: Corner the market, then raise the price. Simple economics.

Better Call Saul [2.08][edit]

[Badger is sitting at a bus stop bench. A nerdy looking guy in his thirties wanders up and sits down on the bench next to him]

Getz: Hey. You uh, you sellin'?

Badger: I don't know what you're talking about.

Getz: OK. That's cool. I'm just sayin', you know...if you were selling, I could maybe do with a teenth.

Badger: [stares at him] You're kidding, right? Dude, I so smell bacon.

Getz: What? What are you talking about?

Badger: Oh gee, I don't know. [points to his left] How about over there, that brown van? That's yours, right?

Getz: What brown van?

Badger: [points it out] Parked all "inconspicuous"! It's a cop van! [points to his right] Yeah! Another one right over there! [scoffs] "Duke City Flowers"? Come on! Can't you at least be original? [laughs]

Getz: Dude, I just wanna get high!

Badger: A flower van! Uh, you know what you should do is a garbage truck. Seriously, and I don't mean to disrespect, but if you put a bunch of cops in the back of a garbage truck, there's no way I'm seriously thinking that there's cops in the back of a garbage truck! It's a freebie, yo. Just think about it. Think about it, boys! [Getz sighs and suddenly stands up]

Getz: All right. I'm hitting it.

Badger: Whoa! You dudes give up that easy?

Getz: I'm not a cop!

Badger: Then lift your shirt. Show me you're not wearing a wire.

Getz: All right, you know what? Just to show you you're being an asshole... [Getz lifts his shirt and shows his midsection to Badger]

Badger: Ahh! I'm blinded by white!

Getz: Douchebag.

Badger: Ah, come on. I was joking. Come on. Don't walk away angry. Sit down. Come on. [Getz reluctantly sits back down on the bench next to Badger] I mean, what are you complaining about? You got abs, man. Kind of.

Getz: Whatever, dude. I'm not even sure I wanna buy anymore. I-I think you turned me off to the whole thing.

Badger: Come on, don't be like that. I just-I just need you to prove it, you know? Prove you're not a cop.

Getz: How the hell am I supposed to do that?

Badger: I don't know. [beat] Hey, I've got it. [points to a man across the street] Go over there and punch that dude right in the face.

Getz: Which dude? [Badger points the guy out] That dude?

Badger: Yeah.

Getz: No way! He'd kick my ass!

Badger: [laughs] True to that. Ugh! This is so hard, you know?

Getz: Yeah. [He gets an idea] I know. It's simple: Uh, if you ask a cop if he's a cop, he's, like, obligated to tell you. It's in the Constitution.

Badger: Constitution of America? [Getz shrugs] Huh.

Getz: So-so go ahead and ask.

Badger: You a cop?

Getz: No, no. Not like that. Ask it like, official.

Badger: Are you a police officer?

Getz: [holds up his hand as if taking an oath] No. I am not a police officer.

Badger: Okay then. $175 for a teenth.

Getz: Whoa.

Badger: Price is the price, yo.

Getz: [after a beat] All right. [Getz reaches into his pocket and pulls out a couple dollar bills, which he hands over to Badger. Badger gets up, walks over to the garbage can near the bench, and sets down his soda can. He then pulls a bag of meth out of the can and walks back to the bench. He sits down and discreetly passes the meth over to Getz]

Badger: Here you go. Enjoy.

Getz: Thanks, man.

[Getz stuffs the meth in his pocket, gets up, and starts to walk away, but then he turns around. As Badger relaxes, Getz puts his right foot down on the bench, reaches down, and pulls a gun out from a concealed ankle holster]

Getz: Albuquerque Police! You're under arrest! Get on the ground! [Police sirens wail] Get on your stomach now! On your stomach! Get on the ground! [Badger drops to the ground as a pair of vans screech to a stop alongside the bench. A couple of plainclothes cops jump out and train their guns on Badger]

Cop in Van: Hold it right there! Don't move! Stay down. [One of the cops handcuffs Badger]

[Hank is holed up in bed due to the trauma from the Tortuga bomb incident]

Walter: I have spent my whole life scared – frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Fifty years I spent like that. Finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine.

Hank: Hmmm...okay.

Walter: What I came to realize is that fear, that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy. So, get up, get out in the real world and you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth.

[Saul enters the interrogation room where Badger is being questioned]

Saul Goodman: Alright, who do we have?

Badger: Brandon Mayhew.

Saul Goodman: [looking through his files] Brandon Mayhew...alright...Brandon Mayhew...ah, here we go. Public masturbation.

Badger: What?

Saul Goodman: I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, with a big flatscreen TV, 50 channels of Pay-Per-View. [looks back at the file] In a Starbucks. That's nice, heh-heh.

Badger: That ain't me, man! I'm...I was the guy who selling meth...allegedly.

Saul Goodman: [looking through his files] OK, alright, I gotcha. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing that a little white-out can't take care of. Yeah, and felony quantity.

Badger: Just barely.

Saul Goodman: Yeah, just barely. The cops are like butchers, always got their thumbs on the scales, but good luck arguing that in court. Let me get down to brass tacks: I'm gonna get you a second phone call. You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your Boy Scout leader and they're gonna deliver me a check for $4,650. I'm gonna write that down on the back of my business card. [Saul writes the amount down] Four-six-five-zero. Okay? And I need that in a cashier's check or a money order, doesn't matter-actually, I want it in a money order. And make it out to Ice Station Zebra Associates. That's my loan-out. It's totally legit. It's done just for tax purposes. And after that, we can discuss Visa or MasterCard, but definitely not American Express, so don't even ask. All right? Any questions?

Badger: You're gonna get me off, right?

Saul Goodman: What do I look like, your high-school girlfriend? Five fingers, no waiting? [Badger stares at him] That's a joke, Brandon! Lighten up! [in low voice] Son, I promise you this: I will give you the best criminal defense that money can buy.

[Walt and Jesse pull up outside Saul's strip mall office]

Jesse: Sooner or later this is gonna happen. If you want your exponential growth, guys are gonna get busted. Simple as that.

Walter: How about we get him a real attorney? I mean, what the hell is this? This is who he hires?

Jesse: What? You kidding me? This is the guy you want. This is the guy I'd hire.

Walter: [sarcastically] Ooh, this is the guy you'd hire.

Jesse: Look, you remember Emilio? 'Kay, this dude got Emilio off, like, twice. 'Kay, both times they had him dead to rights, yo, and then poof. Dude's like Houdini. Seriously, when the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer. Alright, you want a criminal lawyer. You know what I'm saying?

Saul: Mayhew. Is that Irish or English?

Walter: Irish.

Saul: Faith and begorrah! A fellow potato eater! My real name's McGill. The Jew thing I just do for the homeboys. They all want a pipe-hitting member of the tribe, so to speak.

[Saul finds Walter after school in the classroom]

Saul: Oh my God! You really are a chemistry teacher! Heh-heh. Uh, you mind? [Saul closes the door] I was terrible at chemistry. I'm more of a humanities guy.

Walter: How did you find me?

Saul: We should talk about that. It should be much, much harder for people to track you down. My P.I. charged me for three hours, so I seriously doubt it took him more than one.

Walter: So this is what? Blackmail?

Saul: Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shakedown racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers.

Walter: So what? You're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?

Saul: C'mon. Have you seen my hourly rate? Heh-heh. Oh by the way, where do you keep the money? Is it in your mattress? Is it in a jelly jar buried in the side yard, huh? You know, this kid Mayhew may be the first of your guys to get picked up, but he won't be the last. And if I can find you, how far behind can the cops be?

Walter: I don't understand. What exactly are you offering to do for me?

Saul: What did Tom Hagen do for Vito Corleone?

Walter: I'm no Vito Corleone.

Saul: No shit! Right now you're Fredo! But, y'know, with some sound advice and proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing: you've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch, you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? [he starts to head for the door, but stops] So if you want to make more money and, uh, keep the money that you make, [taps his foot and holds his arms out with flair] better call Saul!

4 Days Out [2.09][edit]

Saul: Look, let's crunch some numbers. How much money are we laundering?

Walter: At this time...$16,000.

Saul: How long you been doing this?

Walter: We've had some extenuating circumstances.

Saul: Yeah, apparently. All right, $16,000 laundered at 75 cents on the dollar, minus my fee, which is 17%, comes out to $9,960. Congratulations, you've just left your family a second hand Subaru.

Jesse: Yo, you wanna go shopping, go do it yourself, alright? I got plans.

Walter: Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos and masturbating do not constitute plans in my book.

Walter: Three entire bags of Funyuns?

Jesse: Funyuns are awesome.

Walter: God...

Jesse: More for me.

Walter: How about something with some protein, maybe? Something green, huh? How are you even alive?

[Walter and Jesse are stranded without water in their RV in the middle of the desert]

Walter: I have this coming.

Jesse: What?

Walter: I have it coming. I deserve this.

Jesse: Snap out of it. Alright, first off, everything you did, you did for your family. Right?

Walter: All I ever managed to do was worry and disappoint them. And lie. Oh God, the lies...I can't even...can't even keep them straight in my head anymore...

Jesse: You know what? Screw this. I'm walking. You can come or not. Where's my other shoe?

Walter: Jesse...Jesse...Your body is running dangerously low on electrolytes. Sodium, potassium, calcium...and when they're gone, your brain ceases to communicate with the muscles. Your lungs stop breathing. Your heart stops pumping. You go marching out there, and within an hour, you will be dead.

Jesse: You need to cut out all your loser crybaby crap right now and think of something scientific!

Walter: And now, what shall we use to conduct this beautiful current with, hm? What one particular element comes to mind, hm? [Walter holds up a copper wire] Hmm?

Jesse: Ooooh, wire.

Walter: ...Copper.

Jesse: Oh, I mean...

Walter: It's copper.

Over [2.10][edit]

Walter: The upshot is that I have radiation pneumonitis.

Jesse: Damn...

Walter: Actually it's not as bad as it sounds. It's a fairly common occurrence. Easily treated. In fact, the news is all good.

Jesse: You mean, good? You mean, like, good good? You mean, like, remission good?

Walter: Remission. Not to imply I'm cured. I still have cancer, but there's been a significant reduction in the tumors.

Jesse: How significant?

Walter: Eighty percent.

Jesse: Dude! No way!

Walter: I'm not out of the woods yet, not by any stretch...but "options" is the word they keep bandying about.

Jesse: That's awesome! Serious? That's...that's...that's great, man! My aunt, she never...I mean, y'know, at your stage I didn't even think that could happen.

Walter: Eh.

Jesse: Mr. White, you kicked its ass, yo! [Walter motions for Jesse to quiet down] No! You must be so psyched!

Walter: Of course. I am.

Jesse: Okay now we...I mean, what do we...Oh! Hey, I almost forgot. [Jesse hands Walter a paper bag filled with money] So...how do you want to...y'know...proceed in light of this kickass news?

Walter: We'll take our time and stay cautious. Sell off what we have and then...well, then I guess I'm done.

Walter: Um...well, it's kind of funny. When I got my diagnosis – cancer – I said to myself, y'know, "Why me?" And then the other day when I got the good news, I said the same thing. [The party guests are silent with confusion] Anyway, uh, thank you for coming and...enjoy.

Hank: Wow. Inspirational.

[Hank takes a bottle of tequila away after Walter keeps pouring shots for Walter Jr.]

Walter: Hey! Bring...the bottle...back.

Hank: Sorry, buddy. No can do.

Walter: My son! My bottle! My house!

Hank: [to other party guests] It's alright.

Walter: What are you waiting for? Bring it back!

Hank: Why don't we just call it a day? Alright, pal? We good?

[Hank puts his hand on Walter's shoulder. Walter smacks it away]

Walter: The bottle. Now.

Skyler: What's going on?

[Walter Jr. vomits into the pool. Skyler and Hank rush over to him. Walter sits back down and smiles to himself]

[Jane is looking at Jesse's superhero sketches]

Jane: And this is?

Jesse: That's Backwardo. Oh wait no, actually I changed it to Rewindo. Anyways, he goes backwards. He can make everything go in reverse.

Jane: Time and stuff? Time traveling?

Jesse: No, he just walks backwards.

Walter: Stay out of my territory.

Mandala [2.11][edit]

Walter: God. This entire process has just been so...It's always been one step forward and two steps back. We need your help.

Saul: Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: you two suck at peddling meth. Period.

[Walt deduces that the on-duty manager of a Los Pollos Hermanos is probably the distributor who wouldn't meet with him. He summons Gus to his table]

Gus Fring: What can I do for you?

Walter White: Have a seat. Please. [Gus sits down across from Walt] I would like to know why you wouldn't meet with me yesterday.

Gus Fring: I'm sorry, I'm not following.

Walter White: I sat here yesterday waiting to meet with someone. I believe that person was you.

Gus Fring: I think that you're confusing me for someone else.

Walter White: I don't think I am.

Gus Fring: Sir, if you have a complaint, I suggest you submit it through our e-mail system. I'd be happy to refer you to our website.

Walter White: I was told that the man I'd be meeting with was very careful. Cautious man. I believe we are alike in that way. If you are who I think you are, you should give me another chance. [Gus's demeanor suddenly changes]

Gus Fring: I don't think we're alike at all, Mr. White. You are not a cautious man at all. Your partner was late. And he was high.

Walter White: Yes. Yes he was.

Gus Fring: He's high often, isn't he? [Walter does not answer] You have poor judgment. I can't work with someone with poor judgment.

Walter White: Are you familiar with my product?

Gus Fring: I've been told it's excellent.

Walter White: It is impeccable. It is the purest, most chemically sound product on the market, anywhere.

Gus Fring: That is not the only factor.

Walter White: You could charge twice the current rate for what I provide and your customers would pay it, hands down. Now who I choose to do business with on my end is not your problem. You won't see him, you won't interact with him. Forget he exists.

Gus Fring: I have to ask why. Why him?

Walter White: Because he does what I say. Because I can trust him.

Gus Fring: How much product do you have left?

Walter White: 38 pounds. Ready to go at a moment's notice. [Gus gets up] Will I hear from you?

Gus Fring: I have your numbers. [softly] You can never trust a drug addict.

[Pete is describing Combo's funeral]

Skinny Pete: And you should've seen the coffin. It was like this shiny white pearlescence, like I'm pretty sure I seen the exact same paint job on a Lexus, right? So we're definitely talking high end.

[Jesse and Jane are injecting heroin]

Jesse: What's it feel like?

Jane: There's a chill. Don't freak out, it passes. And then...you'll see. [Jane kisses Jesse] I'll meet you there.

[As Walt gets up to leave Los Pollos Hermanos, having learned Gus's name, Victor suddenly steps in front of him and blocks him from leaving]

Victor: 38 pounds, $1.2 million, [deliver to the] truck stop, two miles south of exit 13 on the 25. One hour.

Walter White: W-What?

Victor: One hour. You in or out?

Walter White: In, in, absolutely, but I just need a little more time...

Victor: One hour. If you miss it, don't ever show your face in here again.

Phoenix [2.12][edit]

Jesse: How much?

Walter: How much what?

Jesse: How much did you get for the deal?

Walter: $1.2 million.

Jesse: $600,000 each.

Walter: $480,000. Saul's cut is 20%.

Jesse Alright, so where's my money?

Walter: Ha!

Jesse: What?

Walter: You are joking, right? If I gave you that money, you would be dead inside of a week.

Jesse: Yo man, look, I'm off the heroin. I didn't even like it, anyway. It made me sick. And the meth, y'know, I could take it or leave it. I'm clean, Mr. White. For real.

[Walter tosses an empty beaker to Jesse]

Walter: Prove it. Pee in that.

Jesse: How gay are you seriously?

Walter: Pee in it! They're selling testing kits at the drug stores. If you are clean, I will give you every last dime. [Jesse is silent] No, huh? Well I guess until then, you'll just have to depend on the kindness of strangers to get high. That and your little junkie girlfriend.

[Jesse throws the beaker at Walter. Walter ducks and it shatters against the chalkboard]

Walter: No, no, it cannot be blind luck or some imaginary relative who saves us. No, I earned that money. ME! And now my son created his own website – . Soliciting anonymous donations. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Saul: Well, look at that. It's got and everything.

Walter: Cyber-begging, that's all that is. Just rattling a little tin cup to the entire world.

Saul: [sarcastically] Yeah, there's no deep-seated issues there.

Jane: Do right by Jesse tonight or I will burn you to the ground.

Walter: Nice job wearing the pants.

Jane: Do you know what this is?

Jesse: It's a whole lot of cheddar.

Jane: This is freedom! This is saying I can go anywhere I want! I can be anybody! Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? South America? Europe? Australia?

Jesse: Is New Zealand part of Australia?

Jane: New Zealand is New Zealand!

Jesse: Right on. New Zealand, that's where they, uh, that's where they made Lord of the Rings! I say we just move there, yo! I mean, you could do your art, right? Like, you could like paint the local castles and shit, and I can be a bush pilot!

ABQ [2.13][edit]

Mike: Any other drugs in the house? Think hard. Your freedom depends on it. [Jesse shakes his head] What about guns? You got any guns in the house? [Jesse shakes his head] Here's your story: You woke up. You found her. That's all you know. Say it. Say it, please. 'I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.' [Jesse begins to cry. Mike slaps him] Say it. 'I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.'

Jesse: I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.

Mike: Again.

Jesse: I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.

Mike: Again. Again.

Jesse: I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. I woke up. I found her. That's all I know.

Mike: Once you call it in, the people who show up will be with the Office of Medical Investigations. That's primarily who you'll talk to. Police officers may arrive, they may not. Depends on how busy a morning they're having. Typically OD's are not a high priority call. There's nothing here to incriminate you so I'd be amazed if you got placed under arrest. However, if you do, you say nothing. You tell them you just want your lawyer and you call Saul Goodman. And do I need to state the obvious? I was not here. You put on a long sleeve shirt and cover those track marks on your arm. [hands Jesse a phone] Count down from twenty and then you dial. Hang tough. You're in the home stretch.

Hank: Alright, some of you already know my brother-in-law. He's a good man. The doctors are saying this operation has a real chance of helping him. Of course they're also saying they want to be paid in private islands, so dig deep. Biggest donation gets a six-pack of my very own Schraderbrau. Home brewed to silky perfection.

Gomez: Smallest donation gets two six-packs.

Jesse: I deserve this.

Walter: What?

Jesse: What you said in the desert, I get it. What you meant. I deserve whatever happens.

Karen: Judging from the things you and other folks have written about him, your dad must be quite a guy.

Walter Jr.: Yeah, he is. He's the best.

Karen: You don't want to lose him, do you, Walter?

Walter Jr. None of us do. We love him.

Karen: He's a good man, isn't he?

Walter Jr.: Absolutely. Ask anyone, anybody. He's a great father, a great teacher. He knows like everything there is to know about chemistry. He's patient with you, he's always there for you. He's just decent. And he always does the right thing and that's how he teaches me to be.

Karen: Would you say he's your hero?

Walter Jr.: Oh yeah, yes ma'am, totally. My dad is my hero.

Walter: What are you doing?

Skyler: I'm going to Hank and Marie's for the weekend.

Walter: Since when?

Skyler: I'm taking the baby with me. Marie will pick up Walter Jr. from school. You will have the house to yourself for two days. I want you to pack your things and leave.

Walter: Why would I do that?

Skyler: Hank has offered to help since you shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting.

Walter: Skyler...

Skyler: I want you gone by Monday morning. I want...I want you gone.

Walter: Okay, can you at least tell me why?

Skyler: Because you're a liar, Walt. Two cell phones after all.

Walter: What?

Skyler: Right before your surgery, I asked if you had packed your cell phone and you said, "Which one?"

Walter: When? Skyler, I was medicated. I mean, I could have said the world was flat.

Skyler: You know what I think? I think you accidentally told the truth.

Walter: Honey, we have been over this. Asked and answered, right? There–

Skyler: But then it got me thinking again about the all the strange behavior. Not the least of which was the disappearance. Out of my mind with worry, calling hospitals, checking the morgue. Your fugue state? I had to believe that, didn't I? I had to find a way. I mean, who would lie about such a thing?

Walter: You tell me, Skyler. You tell me exactly what it is you think I'm lying about. What, an affair? I'm having an affair? Is that what you think?

Skyler: That's what I was thinking, yeah. For the last few weeks.

Walter: With whom? Who am I having an affair with?

Skyler: Well, my guess was Gretchen Schwartz. Something was going on between you. I just knew.

Walter: Jesus, Skyler. Get me a Bible to swear on, if that's what it takes. I am not having an affair with Gretchen!

Skyler: Oh, I know. I know you're not. 'Cause I asked her. It really took me forever to get in touch with her. She was ducking my calls for weeks. So I finally left a message, "What exactly is going on between you and my husband?" I thought that'd get her attention and it did. So she called me back and she finally told me. The money? For your treatment? Gretchen and Elliott didn't give you a dime. They paid for nothing. You refused every offer they made you, but that didn't make sense because I checked with Delcavoli in the hospital and, not including your surgery, we're nearly paid up. Over $100,000. Out of where? Out of thin air? But then, I called your mother. Yeah. Thanks for that, too. But I thought, y'know, maybe she has some money that I don't know about? Maybe she contributed? It's possible. It turns out that not only is the money not your mother, she didn't even know that you have cancer. You never went to see her. I dropped you at the airport, I picked you up, you were gone for four days, and yet she swears that you were never there. Lies on top of lies on top of lies.

Walter: Skyler...

Skyler Could you, just once, do me the courtesy of not denying it?

[Walter is silent. Skyler heads to the car]

Walter: Skyler...Skyler, don't do this, please. I...I...Skyler, please don't go. [Skyler tries to close the car door, but Walter stops her] If I tell you the truth, will you stay? Stay and I will tell you everything.

Skyler: Whatever it is, I'm afraid to know.

[Skyler closes the car door and drives off]

Season 3[edit]

No Más [3.01][edit]

[Walter grabs a duffel bag filled with his drug money, but Hank also grabs it]

Hank: Whoa, whoa, no heavy lifting. I got it.

Walter: No, it's okay.

Hank: I got it. Jesus, what you got in there – cinder blocks?

Walter: Half a million in cash.

Hank: [laughing] That's the spirit.

[The school is gathered in the gym to discuss the plane crash]

Barry: I just find it, y'know, really, really hard to concentrate because of all the horrors, y' know, we perceived. It just really gets inside your brain and, uh...in college they have this thing where if your roommate kills himself, like if you come home and find him hanging in the closet or whatever, it's basically an automatic A for you. And I just think that kind of compassion is something to–

Carmen: [grabbing microphone away] OK, thank you, Barry. Who wants to go next?

Walter: I love you, Skyler. And I would do anything for you. Would you even consider, I mean...Jesus! You come in here and you wave these papers in my face, when there's a whole other entire side to this thing. There's your side and there's my side and you haven't heard my side yet. You haven't heard any of it all.

Skyler: You're a drug dealer.

Walter: No. How...What?

Skyler: Yeah. How else could you possibly make that kind of money? Marijuana. That Pinkman kid. [Walter is silent] No? Oh my God, Walt. Cocaine?

Walter: ...It's methamphetamine. But I'm a manufacturer, I'm not a dealer.

Skyler: [shocked] Oh...

Walter: Per se. I...it doesn't mean... [Skyler gets up and heads to the door] No, Skyler! Listen to me, Skyler! [Walter grabs her arm] Listen.

Skyler: No!

Walter: There are a lot of angles to this, OK? It's complicated, alright? So please listen. Please, let's just sit back down and we'll talk it through.

Skyler: I'm going to make you a deal, Walt. I won't tell Hank and I won't tell your children or anybody else. Nobody will hear it from me, but only if you grant me this divorce and stay out of our lives.

Walter: No, Skyler...

Skyler: I mean it. Now let me the hell out of here before I throw up.

Jesse: You either run from things or you face them, Mr. White.

Walter: Now what exactly does that mean?

Jesse: I learned it in rehab. It's all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am.

Walter: And who are you?

Jesse: I'm the bad guy.

Walter: [to Gus] I'm here because I owe you the courtesy and respect to tell you this personally. I'm done. It has nothing to do with you personally. I find you extraordinarily professional and I appreciate the way you do business. I'm just...I'm making a change in my life is what it is, and I'm at something of a crossroads and it's brought me to a realization: I'm not a criminal. No offense to any people who are, but...this is not me.

Caballo sin Nombre [3.02][edit]

Walter: God...It's a disaster.

Saul: It is not a disaster. It's not a disaster, alright? She's not going to the cops, she's not telling a living soul. You wanna know why? One word: blowback. If she blabs, it'll be a disaster – for her. That DEA brother-in-law? Screwed! You were right under his nose. He'll be lucky if they let him bust glue sniffers at the hobby shop. The kids? Paging Dr. Phil! "My daddy's a drug dealer and my mommy turned him in!" And the house? Gone! The feds will come in and RICO her and the kids out on the street. Good luck arguing with them on that, noooo. It's not gonna happen. She's bluffing. And she knows it.

Mike: [answering the phone] Yeah?

Saul: It's me. [about Skyler] We may have a wife problem.

Hank: Sky, the, um...I know it's none of my business, but uh...keeping him away from the kids?

Skyler: You're right, Hank. It's not your business.

Walter: Skyler...I mean, what kind of example do we wanna set here, right? I mean, can't we at least just sit down and eat a piece of pizza together? Just hash things out like adults?

Skyler: We have discussed everything we need to discuss. I thought I made myself very clear.

Walter: ...I've got dipping sticks.

[The Pinkmans just sold Jesse's old house at a much lower price to an unknown person who knew about Jesse's meth lab]

Mr. Pinkman: Breaking even is not so bad. In this economy, a lot of people would kill to break even.

Mrs. Pinkman: Poor Jake had his heart set on going to Space Camp.

[Jesse pulls up in his car]

Mrs. Pinkman: Oh no.

Mr. Pinkman: God, this is all we need.

Jesse: Mom. Dad. How's it going?

[Jesse walks to the house]

Mr. Pinkman: Jesse, it's really not a good time.

Mrs. Pinkman: Jesse, the house has been sold. The new owners are expected at any moment. Where do you think you're going?

Jesse: [jingles the key] Inside. I bought the place.

I.F.T. [3.03][edit]

Juan: Don Salamanca had a nephew named Tuco.

Gus: Yes, I knew of him.

Juan: Then perhaps you know Don Salamanca mentored him in the business. Thought of Tuco as a son. When Don Salamanca was no longer able, Tuco took over for his uncle. He was a key man in our organization north of the border. He was loyal. This "Heisenberg" – Walter White – he was one of Tuco's local suppliers. Until he betrayed Tuco. So now you see...blood must be repaid by blood. Tuco's cousins here...they have the right to exact vengeance. The Salamanca family, the cartel...everyone stands shoulder to shoulder on this.

[Hector rings the bell in affirmation]

Juan: I don't tell you how to fry your chickens, Gustavo. You should really leave matters of my organization's politics to me.

Gus: Do I not run my own territory?

Juan: Of course you do. And I will advise them to be patient. But I recommend you finish your business with the man quickly. Or you risk losing the good graces of the cartel. That would not be wise. And those boys inside, I cannot guarantee that they will listen. They are...not like you and I.

[Her lawyer advises Skyler to report Walt to police.]

Skyler: Walt has lung cancer. His treatment bought him some time, but the doctors, they all say that sooner or later... I can't see why I should lay all this on my family when things may...resolve themselves on their own without anyone else knowing.

Walter: I've done a terrible thing. But I've done it for a good reason. I did it for us. That [points to the duffel bag of money] is college tuition for Walter Jr. And Holly, eighteen years down the road. And it's health insurance for you and the kids. For Jr.'s physical therapy. His SAT tutor. It's money for groceries, gas, for birthdays and graduation parties. Skyler, that money is for this roof over your head. The mortgage that you are not going to be able to afford on a part-time bookkeeper's salary when I'm gone.

Skyler: Walt, I–

Walter: Please. Please. This money, I didn't steal it. It doesn't belong to anyone else. I earned it. The things I've...done to earn it...they...the things I've had to do...I've got to live with them. Skyler, all that I've done, all the sacrifices that I've made for this family, all of it, will be for nothing if you don't accept what I've earned. Please. I'll be here when you get home from work. You can give me your answer then.

Skyler: I fucked Ted.

Green Light [3.04][edit]

[Saul and Mike are listening to a recording of Walter and Skyler fighting]

Walter: You think this will get me to move out? You can screw Ted, you can screw the butcher, the mailman, whoever you want! Screw all! I'm not going anywhere.

Skyler: Suit yourself.

Saul: Is this a good or bad thing?

Walter: Suit myself...You want me to suit myself?! I'll suit myself to his face!

Saul: It's a bad thing.

Walter: How did you know?

Saul: I'm sorry?

Walter: About Skyler. About where to find me just now. How did you know?

Saul: That's just my meticulousness. Don't bog down in detail, Walt. The lesson here–

Walter: Did you bug my house?

Saul: ...Yeah. But I didn't know it was your house, did I? You moved out. Besides, you basically told me to.

Walter: I told you to?

Saul: You strongly hinted that I should. You were worried about your wife, remember? You were concerned that she might say something to the police.

Walter: No, no, that's not true. When the hell did I say that?

Saul: Let's not get lost in the who, whats and whens. The point is we did our due diligence and she didn't talk. She kept quiet, she stood by you, Walt. Which, if you ask me, is the ironical silver lining here. I mean, on the one hand, sure, she snuck off the reservation to get some dirty damp and deep. On the other–

[Walter grabs Saul and the two begin struggling on the floor. Mike rolls his eyes, strolls over to them and breaks it up]

Walter: YOU'RE FIRED! YOU'RE DONE!

Saul: Good! "Oh boo-hoo, I won't cook meth anymore!" You're a crybaby! Who needs you?! Hey, I'm unplugging the website, so no more money laundering! How do you like that?!

Walter: I want those bugs out of my house today! I want them out now!

Saul: You just bought a $300 suit, psycho!

Hank: [interrogating a meth head] So...let me get this straight, Russell. You got this meth from "some dude" wearing khaki pants, who – you're 80% sure – had a mustache. And that's it? That's your brain working at full capacity?

Walter: This is very shoddy work, Pinkman. I'm actually embarrassed for you.

Jesse: What? No way. I gave out samples and everyone said it was the bomb.

Walter: Oh, they said it was the bomb? And who are they, I wonder? A bunch of meth heads?

Jesse: Yeah, and they should know, right?

Walter: Yeah, well, sorry. I can't help you.

Jesse: Fine, asswad. You know what? I'll contact the guy myself.

Walter: Oh yeah? Well, good luck because my guy's a pro and he doesn't deal with junkies.

Jesse: Hey, you know what? Eat me!

Walter: Anytime, loser!

Mike: The good news is for stage three cancer, the guy's doing well. Physically. Mentally, the guy's a disaster. He's gone off the rails over this thing with his wife. My opinion: he's not coming back. Not on his own. Your friends were at his place again, by the way. They drew something on the street outside his house. The Scythe.

Gus: Animals... Does the lawyer know?

Mike: Should he?

Gus: No.

Mike: If you want this guy to produce again, why not just tell him? You're the only thing that stands between him and an axe to the head.

Gus: I do not believe fear to be an effective motivator. I want investment. For now, I'm simply interested in time frame. He will live for the foreseeable future, yes?

Mike: Hmm, foreseeable. Couple of years at least, barring acts of God or men with axes.

Más [3.05][edit]

Skinny Pete: That was... [vomits] ...awesome, bro.

Gus: I am told his product was more or less consistent with the quality I come to expect.

Walter: More or less? More or less, really? Wow. Boy this... Talk about setting the bar low. Except you don't do that, set the bar low. Therefore, what conclusion am I left to draw? That you believe I have some proprietary kind of selfishness about my own formula? Some sort of overweening pride that you think simply overwhelms me, clouds my judgment?

Gus: But it doesn't?

Walter: Absolutely not. I simply respect the chemistry. The chemistry must be respected.

Walter: I have made a series of very bad decisions and I cannot make another one.

Gus: Why did you make these decisions?

Walter: For the good of my family.

Gus: Then they weren't bad decisions. What does a man do, Walter? A man provides for his family.

Walter: This cost me my family.

Gus: When you have children, you always have family. They will always be your priority, your responsibility. And a man, a man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up and he does it. Because he's a man.

Saul: Clearly a mistake was made on the part of our mutual associate when he paid you half of Jesse's earnings. He must not have realized that you two had come to a parting of the ways.

[Walter places a paper bag filled with the money on the desk]

Walter: Take it. It belongs to you.

Jesse: You're damn right it belongs to me.

Saul: I knew I could count on you boys to play nice! That's...that almost brings a tear to my eye.

Walter: Enjoy it. Spend it in good health. That is the last money you'll ever earn in this business.

Jesse: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Walter: I hate to break it you, Jesse, but our "mutual associate" was only using you to get to me.

Jesse: What are you talking about?

Walter: You see, he needs someone with expertise. Someone who knows what he's doing. In other words, he needs me.

Jesse: You're telling me you're cooking again?

Walter: Yeah, how should I put this? I'm in...you're out.

Saul: Whoa, Walt, hold on there! What was the offer, if I may ask?

Walter: It's, uh, three million for three months of my time.

Saul: You're gonna need that money laundered, right? I mean, of course. What was our deal before? Seventeen percent. That's a shade high. Now let's settle on an even fifteen. That's a nice round number.

Walter: Five percent.

Saul: Fourteen's fair.

Walter: Five.

Saul: Thirteen.

Walter: Five.

Saul: Twelve, for old time's sake. Twelve.

Walter: Five.

Saul: I'm a reasonable guy, it's a short term deal. Ten even, but I can't go any lower and still respect myself. [Walter turns to leave] Five!

Jesse: What in the hell just happened? You're MY lawyer, not his!

Saul: It's the way of the world, kid. Go with the winner.

Sunset [3.06][edit]

Badger: That is awesome, Jesse! I feel like somebody took my brain out and boiled it in, like, boiling hot, like...like, Anthrax.

Walter: Listen, we got a problem. A DEA problem.

Saul: OK, I'm listening.

Walter: It's my brother-in-law. He knows about the RV.

Saul: What RV?

Walter: Our RV. The one which contains a meth lab which is covered with my fingerprints. Ring a bell?

Saul: OK, what exactly does "knows about" mean? Does he have it? Has he searched it?

Walter: No, he knows it exists and he's trying to find it. He has linked it to Jesse and it's only a matter of time before he tracks it down, so...

Saul: So get rid of it! What are you sitting there talking to me? Better yet, have Pinkman get rid of it. You don't go near it.

Walter: No, listen, my brother-in-law, he is surveying Jesse's house, do you understand? So he might have tapped his phones or bugged his house.

Saul: Jesus. Plan A, then! Go, get to it before the feds do.

Walter: And do what exactly? I mean, what...the thing, the thing is the size of a, of a...It's RV size! I mean, where do I go to make an RV disappear? I'm not David Copperfield!

Saul: What do I look like – the RV disposal people? Did you not plan for this contingency?

Walter: No.

Saul: Well, next time plan for it, would ya? The Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. I'm just saying.

Walter: OK, aw, shut up.

Walter: [whispering to Jesse what to say to Hank] Private domicile and I won't be harassed.

Hank: Yeah? Tell you what Pinkman, probable cause or no, I'll give you three seconds to get your ass out here! 1, 2...

Jesse: This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed...bitch!

[Walter shrugs in frustration and shakes his head]

Jesse: I say we just ram him, alright? We, uh, we...we start her up and we just ram the shit out of his truck and make our escape, right? [Walter waves him off] Yeah, he'd, uh...he'd shoot me in the head. Yeah, he'd shoot me in the head.

Gus: I told you before. You will not kill Walter White. Not until my business with him is concluded.

Marco: We've waited long enough. We won't wait any longer.

Gus: You'll have to. The decision is not yours to make. Explain to me...why this man White? He betrayed your cousin Tuco, yes. But he's not the one who murdered him. Was there not another man who pulled the trigger?

Marco: A DEA agent. Bolsa says the DEA is off-limits.

Gus: North of the border is my territory. My say. As a show of respect...I say yes. The agent's name is Hank Schrader. May his death satisfy you.

One Minute [3.07][edit]

Walter: So what happens now?

Jesse: What happens now? I'll tell you what happens now. Your scumbag brother-in-law is finished. Done. You understand? I will own him when this is over. Every cent he earns, every cent his wife earns is mine. Any place he goes, anywhere he turns, I'm gonna be there grabbing my share. He'll be scrubbing toilets in Tijuana for pennies and I'll be standing over him to get my cut. He'll see me when he wakes up in the morning and when he crawls to sleep in whatever rat hole is left for him after I shred his house down. I will haunt his crusty ass forever until the day he sticks a gun up his mouth and pulls the trigger just to get me out of his head. That's what happens next.

[Hank is being investigated for beating up Jesse]

Hank Schrader: ...I was convinced that Mr. Pinkman was involved in the manufacture and distribution of phenyl-2 methamphetamine, specifically what we're calling the blue meth. I tracked him to a scrapyard where he stored an early-'80s camper, an RV. While waiting for a warrant to search this vehicle, which I believe to be a rolling meth lab, I received a telephone call telling me my wife Marie had been injured in an accident. Upon hearing the news, I left Mr. Pinkman and his vehicle to tend to my wife. After arriving at the hospital, I learned the emergency call was a hoax. My wife, fortunately, was unharmed. [clears throat] So I immediately went back to the salvage yard, but the RV was gone, most likely destroyed on site.

Detective #1: And it was at this point you drove to the home of Jesse Pinkman? [Hank's lawyer whispers something to him]

Hank's Lawyer: I think we're done here. Agent Schrader needs to get home to get some rest.

Detective #1: That's fine. But just to confirm, you're taking the Fifth here?

Hank Schrader: Yeah, that's correct.

Detective #2: Okay. Well, we just wanna give you all a heads up. Mr. Pinkman is pressing charges in this matter. He's given a detailed version of events as he sees them.

Hank's Lawyer: The word of a methhead.

Detective #1: We know all about his history. We're well aware, but toxicology on Pinkman...his blood is clean, he's not using.

Detective #2: The kid is even refusing his doctor-ordered pain meds, as far as we can tell.

Hank Schrader: So, um, where do we go from here?

George Merkert: A couple of gentlemen from OPR will come down, probably tomorrow morning. Janice will give us an exact time on that. [To the AQPD detectives] And you men will be continuing your investigation, so, thanks for your time. [They all stand up]

Detective #1: Right. We just need one more thing: A photo of Agent Schrader's hands. For the record.

Hank Schrader: Yes, of course. [He looks at his right wrist]

Detective #1: Bandage off, if you would. [Hanks takes off the bandage]

Detective #2: On the table is fine. Flat on the table. That's fine. [Hank puts his right hand on the table and the detective takes a picture of the bruises on the right hand]

[The Cousins pull up to a semi truck parked in a deserted parking lot to meet with an arms dealer]

Arms Dealer: So, you the gentlemen? [The Cousins say nothing. The arms dealer opens the back doors to the trailer] Lucky you boys caught me. I've got a load to pick up, I'm taking the 40 straight through to Memphis! I can hammer it out in about 15, but there's this girl down here named Laney or Lolly or somethin'. Maybe Fran. Anyhow, she's got one of these fetish things, she likes to get peed on, y'know, so I was hoping to see her tonight, but she's real strict 'bout wanting to get to sleep before 10, so I wanna wrap it up here ASAP because traffic can be a wild card, y'know, rubberneckin' and such. [He starts taking off the tarps covering the crates containing his weapons] Surprising thing is the women who like to get peed on always tend to be from the warmer climates. You'd think the ones in the colder zones would be more inclined but I haven't met one yet. I mean, it's a shock to the system if the body is not properly acclimated, but y'know...leave that for smarter minds than me. Science is a mystery. [He looks up at the Cousins] Well, take a gander. Prices are negotiable. Buying in bulk gets you a discount. I'm running a special on these honeys. [The dealer walks over to a crate that contains a bunch of bullets, one of which he picks up] JHPs. Hollow-point bullets, known by the natives as "Black Death". Check it out. [He tosses it to Marco] You like that? It's so sweet, you'll wanna lick it! Nickel-plated brass casing, Lubalox coat for panache. Sucker has six razor claws that expand upon impact! PEW! [It'll] Shred your mama's head like a cabbage. [Marco considers then starts to hand it back to the dealer] Keep it. On the house. [Marco puts the Black Death bullet in his pocket] Anyhow, I've been windjamming long enough. Why don't you boys tell me what you're looking for. What it is you want, what is it you need? What can I do you for?

Leonel Salamanca: Vests.

Arms Dealer: Vests? Hell yeah, we've got vests! Right here. [He grabs two bulletproof vests from a satchel] Sleek, comfortable, thermally bonded, non-interwoven Kevlar fiber. Stop a bullet like a soft wang against a Quaker girl! It just ain't getting through. And lightweight? Damn, so lightweight, you'll forget you're wearing it! [He tosses the vests, which hit the floor in front of the Cousins]

Marco Salamanca: Do they work?

Arms Dealer: Sure as shit, they do! [He unbuttons the top button on his shirt to reveal that he's wearing an identical bulletproof vest] I don't leave home without it!

[Leonel promptly pulls out his pistol and shoots the arms dealer in the exposed section of the vest. The arms dealer is knocked to the ground by the impact of the bullet]

Arms Dealer: Ugh! Ow! What the hell?! You...broke my freaking rib, you maniac son of a bitch!

[As the arms dealer groans in pain, Marco steps forward and looks at the spot where Leonel's bullet hit the vest. He pulls out the bullet and shows it to Leonel, who nods in approval. Marco reaches into his pocket and counts out a stack of $100 bills, which he drops in the dealer's lap. Leonel and Marco then slowly walk out of the truck]

Arms Dealer: You're welcome!

Marie: You made one mistake.

Hank: It wasn't one mistake. I've been...unraveling, y'know? I don't sleep at night anymore. I freeze, I freeze up. My chest gets all tight, I can't breathe. Just...I panic. Ever since that Salamanca thing. Tuco Salamanca, if ever a scumbag deserved a bullet between the eyes... It changed me and I can't seem to control it. I try to fight it, but then El Paso. It just got worse. What I did to Pinkman...that's not who I'm supposed to be. All this, everything that's happened, I swear to God, Marie, I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I'm finally ready to listen. I'm just not the man I thought I was. I think I'm done as a cop.

Walter: Listen, something's come up. I think it's a good opportunity. There's been a job opening. I need a new lab assistant.

Jesse: I did... my time. Why don't you just get yourself a monkey?

Walter: I don't want a monkey. I want you.

Jesse: Oh, gee, thanks. Well, not interested. I got my own thing going on. And nice try saving your asshat brother-in-law.

Walter: That's not why I'm here, Jesse. There's more. It's more than an assistant. Partners. We'd be partners again. Split everything, 50/50, just like before. 1.5 million dollars. Each.

Jesse: No.

Walter: I don't think you heard me.

Jesse: I heard you fine. I said no.

Walter: You understand this: you are turning down one and a half million dollars.

Jesse: I am not turning down the money! I'm turning down you! You get it?! I want nothing to do with you! Ever since I met you, everything I ever cared about is gone! Ruined, turned to shit, dead, ever since I hooked up with the great Heisenberg! I have never been more alone! I have NOTHING! NO ONE! ALRIGHT, IT'S ALL GONE, GET IT? No, no, no, why...why would you get it? What do you even care, as long as you get what you want, right? You don't give a shit about me! You said I was no good. I'm nothing! Why would you want me, huh? You said my meth is inferior, right? Right? Hey! You said my cook was GARBAGE! Hey, screw you, man! Screw you!

Walter: Your meth is good, Jesse. As good as mine.

[Hank is getting into his car when his cell phone rings]

Hank: Schrader.

Distorted Voice: I need you to listen very carefully. Two men are coming to kill you.

Hank: Come again?

Distorted Voice: They're approaching your car. You have one minute.

Hank: Hey, I don't get the gag, jackoff. Who is this?!

Distorted Voice: They're coming.

I See You [3.08][edit]

[Jesse gets his first look at Gus's superlab]

Jesse: Man, we should have ditched that RV months ago. It's all like shiny up in here.

Jesse: Hey, tell your douchebag brother-in-law to head towards the light.

Walter: Let me ask you something, do you remember when we were out in the desert with Tuco?

Jesse: Oh, you mean when he put a machine gun to my head. Yeah, I think that does ring a tiny bell.

[Walt confronts Gus in the hospital lobby]

Walter: You knew. You knew my brother-in-law was with the DEA.

Gus: I investigate everyone with whom I do business. What careful man wouldn't?

Walter: He is not a problem for us or our business, but your being here...is this some sort of message?

Gus: I'm supporting my community. I hide in plain sight, same as you. Are we done?

Walter: No, listen, I, uh...this attack on my brother-in-law, I don't understand it, I don't know what it means. Please, if you may have some knowledge that you can share with me. I fear for my family.

Gus: I'm sure they'll be fine. I am told the assassin that survived is gravely injured. It's doubtful he'll live. Now thank me and shake my hand.

[Gus is working the late shift at Los Pollos Hermanos when he gets a phone call from Juan Bolsa]

Gus: Yes, Juan?

Juan: I assume you heard the news.

Gus: Your man died. I heard. It's unfortunate.

Juan: Yeah, unfortunate. And meanwhile I have federales surrounding my house. You know what I think, Gustavo? I think you're behind all this.

Gus: Why would I do this? How would it serve me?

Juan: That's the part that I'm trying to figure out. Go off on your own, maybe? You actually think that would work?

Gus: Juan, you sound like you're under a lot of stress. Maybe you should call me back when you're seeing things more clearly.

Juan: I see things clear enough. One DEA gets shot, all of Washington starts barking. The DF suddenly has to put on a big show and I wind up with federales in my rose bushes. And just for a while, appearances, politics... Are you still there, Gustavo?

Gus: Yes, I'm here.

Juan: I'll weather this. I always do. My brother is a police chief. I got connections. They'll get me through. And when I get proof and the others find out what you've done, maybe we come pay you a visit. Maybe–

[Glass shatters. Juan and his men begin shouting and run to the source of the noise but they are gunned down on sight. Gus listens eagerly, smiles, breaks apart his phone and throws it away]

Kafkaesque [3.09][edit]

Hank: Gomie? Is that you?

Gomez: Hey, buddy. It's me.

Hank: Nice to see ya, Gomie.

Gomez: Yeah, Hank. I'm right here.

Hank: Come here...closer... [Gomez leans in] Asshole.

Walter Jr.: Man, he got you good.

Gomez: Yeah, yeah. Glad to see you still have your twisted sense of humor.

Jesse: [Describing his work in Gustavo's secret meth lab to his rehab group] Been working a lot...It's in a laundromat, it's totally corporate...It's like rigid, all kinds of red tape, my boss is a dick, the owner, super dick, don't know if we're ever going to meet him, everybody's scared of the dude. Place is full of dead-eyed douchebags, the hours suck, and nobody knows what's going on.

Walter: My brother-in-law, moments before he was attacked, someone called to warn him. I believe that same person was protecting me. Those two men – the assassins – I believe I was their prime target, but that somehow they were steered away from me to my brother-in-law. Because of this intervention, I am alive, and yet, I think that this person was playing a much deeper game. He made that phone call because he wanted a shootout, not a silent assassination. In one stroke, he bloodied both sides, set the American and Mexican governments against the cartel, and cut off the supply of methamphetamine to the Southwest. If this man had his own source of product on this side of the border, he would have the market to himself. The rewards would be enormous. We're both adults. I can't pretend I don't know that person is you. I want there to be no confusion. I know I owe you my life, and more than that, I respect the strategy. In your position, I would have done the same. One issue which troubles me: I don't know what happens when our three month contract ends.

Gus: What would you like then?

Walter: You know why I do this. I want security for my family.

Gus: Then you have it. Three million for three months, that was our agreement. Extended annually, twelve million a year. Call it fifteen. Open ended. Would that be agreeable?

Marie: Hi.

Ted: Hi.

Skyler: Marie, this is Ted. My boss.

Marie: Oh, you're Ted! I've heard so much about you. Thank you for your gift basket. That was really thoughtful.

Skyler: It was. It was really nice. Thank you, Ted.

Marie: Cheese sticks.

Skyler: Cheese sticks.

Jesse: What's the point of being an outlaw when you got responsibilities?

Badger: Darth Vader had responsibilities. He was responsible for the Death Star.

Skinny Pete: True that. Two of them bitches.

[Skyler has concocted an elaborate lie involving gambling addiction to convince Marie to let her and Walt pay for Hank's medical expenses.]

Walter: How did you come up with that? I mean, where did you possibly...?

Skyler: I learnt from the best. Somehow, something tells me Hank is here because of you. And I'm not forgetting that.

Fly [3.10][edit]

Walter: There's been a contamination.

Jesse: Wait, what? Whoa, hey, hold up!

Walter: Something got into the lab.

Jesse: So, uh, what do we do? I mean, do we...wait, wait! Shouldn't we be wearing masks?

Walter: No, no, it's not that kind of contaminant.

Jesse: So it's, like, not dangerous? Mr. White, talk to me here!

Walter: Not to us, particularly, no.

Jesse: [noticing Walter's homemade fly swatter] What the hell is that?

Walter: This is, uh, I made it.

Jesse: Exactly what kind of contaminant are we dealing with here?

Walter: ...Fly.

Jesse: What do you mean? Fly, like...like what do you mean?

Walter: I mean, a fly. A housefly.

Jesse: Like, uh, one fly? Singular? What'd it do?

Walter: It got into the lab and I'm trying to get it out, okay? Understand?

Jesse: No, man, not really. I can't say that I'm really following you here. Dude, you scared the shit out of me! When you say it's contamination, I'm thinking like an Ebola leak or something.

Walter: [scoffs] Ebola.

Jesse: Yeah, it's a disease on the Discovery Channel where all your intestines sort of just slip right out of your butt.

Walter: Thank you, I know what Ebola is.

Jesse: Uh-huh.

Walter: Now tell me, what would a West African virus be doing in our lab, hm?

Jesse: So, you're chasing around a fly, and in your world I'm the idiot.

Walter: Okay, look, we're running late, so let's just get started. The sooner we do it, the sooner we're done.

Jesse: Fricking finally. [Jesse grabs a sack and just as he's about to put in the tank, Walt stops him]

Walter: What are you doing?

Jesse: It's time to alkaline.

Walter: Have you not heard a word I said? No cooking until this fly is dealt with. Have I been speaking to myself?

Jesse: The timer went off, yo! How long is this batch gonna be good for? An hour? Two?

Walter: The batch will be good for nothing if we don't clear the contaminant.

Jesse: "Clear the contaminant?!" We're making meth here, all right? Not space shuttles!

Walter: We're making nothing until we catch this fly.

Jesse: What fly? All right? Where the hell is this fly? Not like I even seen thes thing! Maybe your positive pressure blew it out the door or something.

Walter: No, no. It is here. It is around, okay? He's around, and I'm not going to expose this batch to the open air and contamination, period. Now, you can leave to deal with this myself or you can help me. But you're right, we're running out of time. So I need you to answer right now. [Jesse drops the sack and walks off] Okay.

Jesse: Did you know that there's an acceptable level of rat turds that can go into candy bars? It's the government, jack. Even government doesn't care that much about quality. You know what is okay to put in hot dogs? Huh? Pig lips and assholes. But I say, hey, have at it bitches 'cause I love hot dogs.

Walter: I've been to my oncologist, Jesse. Just last week. I'm still in remission. I'm healthy.

Jesse: That's good. Great.

Walter: No end in sight.

Jesse: That's great.

Walter: No. I missed it. There was some perfect moment that passed me right by, but I had to have enough to leave them. That was the whole point. None of this makes any sense if I didn't have enough. And it had to be before she found out. Skyler. It had to be before that.

Jesse: Perfect moment? For what? To drop dead? Are you saying you want to die?

Walter: I'm saying that I lived too long. You want them to actually miss you. You want their memories of you to be...but she just won't...she just won't understand. I mean, no matter how well I explain it, these days she just has this...this... I mean, I truly believe there exists some combination of words. There must exist certain words in a certain specific order that can explain all of this, but with her I just can't ever seem to find them.

Jesse: Mr. White, why don't you just sit down.

Walter: You know, I was thinking before the fugue state, but during the fugue state I didn't have enough money, so no, not then. And plus my daughter wasn't born yet. It had to be after Holly was born.

Jesse: Mr. White...

Walter: Definitely before the surgery. Ah Christ, that damn second cell phone. I mean, how could I possibly? [pause] Oh, I know the moment. It was the night Jane died. I was at home and we needed diapers and so I said I'd go, but it was just an excuse. Actually that was the night I brought you your money, remember?

Jesse: Yeah. I remember.

Walter: And afterward I stopped at a bar. It was odd, I never do that – go to a bar alone. I just walked in, sat down. I never told you.

Jesse: You went to a bar?

Walter: I sit down and this man, this stranger, he engages me in conversation. He's a complete stranger. But he turns out to be Jane's father, Donald Margolis.

Jesse: What are you talking about?

Walter: Of course I didn't know it at the time. I mean, he's just some guy in a bar. I just didn't put it together until after the crash when he was all over the news.

Jesse: Jane's dad?

Walter: Think of the odds. Once I tried to calculate them, but they're astronomical. I mean, think of the odds of me going in and sitting down that night, in that bar, next to that man.

Jesse: What'd you talk about?

Walter: Water on Mars. Family.

Jesse: What about family?

Walter: I told him that I had a daughter and he told me he had one, too. And he said, "Never give up on family." And I didn't. I took his advice. My God, the universe is random; it's not inevitable, it's simple chaos. It's subatomic particles and endless pings, collision – that's what science teaches us. What does this say? What is it telling us that the very night that this man's daughter dies, it's me who is having a drink with him? I mean, how could that be random?

[Walter stumbles, starting to succumb to the sleeping pills]

Jesse: Hey, sit down.

Walter: No, no, it's, uh... Oh, that was the moment. That night. I should never have left home. Never gone to your house. Maybe things would have... Oh, I was...I was at home watching TV. Some nature program about elephants...and Skyler and Holly were in another room. I can hear them on the baby monitor. She was singing a lullaby. Oh, if I had just lived right up to that moment...and not one second more. That would have been perfect.

Walter: Jesse. Come here. I couldn't chance saying it inside, for all I know the lab's wired for sound. That half a pound that I said we were off by? Now I'm not accusing you, but if – you understand – if they ever found out...

Jesse: I didn't take shit.

Walter: I'm just saying that I won't be able to protect you.

Jesse: Who's asking you to?

Abiquiu [3.11][edit]

Marie: You can do this, Hank. Come on. It's supposed to hurt. Pain is weakness leaving your body.

Hank: Pain is my foot in your ass, Marie.

Marie: Hey, if you could get your leg up that high, I say go for it.

Jesse: Alright, just wanted to give you a heads up, it's gonna get a little slower smuggling product with Grandpa Anus watching every move I make. Don't worry, I'll keep it flowing.

Skinny Pete: Right on.

Badger: Yeah.

Jesse: So how's it selling? Mad volume?

Badger: Yeah, it's, uh...y'know, it's, uh...it's not so good.

Jesse: What do you mean? How much have you sold?

Badger: I sold a teenth.

Jesse: One teenth? That's it? To who?

Badger: [motions to Skinny Pete] To him.

Saul: Hello. Welcome. What a pleasure it is to have you. Just gonna call you Skyler if that's okay. It's a lovely name. It reminds me of the big, beautiful sky. Walter always told me how lucky he was, prior to recent unfortunate events. Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers: only the very best with just the right amount of dirty.

Saul: We declare just enough so as to not arouse suspicion, so Walt's one time winnings becomes seed money for an investment.

Skyler: Investment in what?

Saul: Drum roll, please. Wait for it. Laser tag. [silence] Laser tag! 7,000 square feet of rollicking fun in the heart of northern Bernalillo County!

Skyler: Laser tag?

Saul: Yeah, there's guns and glow lights, and the kids wear the vests and they're split into teams...

Skyler: No, I actually know what it is, it's just that in relation to Walt, it doesn't make sense.

Saul: Makes more sense than you two being together. I'm still trying to figure out how that happened.

Skyler: Do you even know Walt? I mean, how would he of all people buy a laser tag business? It doesn't add up.

Saul: It adds up perfectly. Walt's a scientist, scientists love lasers. Plus, they got bumper boats, so...

Gus: Walter, I would like to help you if I could.

Walter: Help me how?

Gus: Well, when I first started out, I made a lot of mistakes. More than I care to admit. I wish I had someone to advise me, because this life of ours, it can overwhelm. You are a wealthy man now, and one must learn to be rich. To be poor, anyone can manage.

Walter: What advice do you have for me?

Gus: Never make the same mistake twice.

Half Measures [3.12][edit]

[Walt and Jesse discuss the situation about Combo's killers at a bar]

Jesse: Combo was us, man. He was one of us. Does that mean nothing?

Walter: Why didn't you go after these guys two or three months ago?

Jesse: 'Cause I just found out about them.

Walter: What's to find out? It's a dispute over turf, right? I mean, how hard could it have been for you to track them down on their turf and kill them months ago? Because back then you were too busy getting high, feeling sorry. Murder is not part of your twelve-step program. This is not some amends that you have to make. What you are talking about here is pointless. This achieves nothing. It accomplishes nothing.

Jesse: If you don't see what it accomplishes, there is no way I can explain it you.

Walter: Jesse, listen to me: you are not a murderer. I am not and you are not. It's as simple as that. [Jesse gets up to leave] Jesse...

Jesse: I'm doing it...with or without you.

[Walt talks with Saul about options to keep Jesse from killing the dealers who killed Combo]

Walter: Maybe...What if we, uh...maybe...could you get him arrested?

Saul: You want your criminal associate taken into police custody?

Walter: No, listen, I know it sounds risky, but it wouldn't be anything that would get him into real trouble, nothing that could lead back to our business. Just some minor offense.

Saul: Pinkman in jail. I dunno, I'm picturing it...

Walter: Not jail, as in jail jail. I'm talking about one of those situations when you're in an orange jumpsuit picking up litter along the highway.

Saul: That's jail.

[Walt is tending to Holly when he gets a late night visit from Mike]

Walter: What can I do for you?

Mike: Have a seat, Walter. I spoke to Goodman about Pinkman and this plan of yours.

Walter: And?

Mike: I'm not gonna do it.

Walter: Why?

Mike: Because it's moronic.

Walter: Saul said you've done things like this before.

Mike: That's not the moronic part.

Walter: OK, so what's the problem?

Mike: The problem is the boss wouldn't like it.

Walter: Saul?

Mike: My boss. Your boss. This is a professional courtesy. No one knows I'm here, understand? But our employer would find out like always, and if Pinkman were arrested, he'd take it as a problem. Walt, you got a good thing going here. We all do. You want to risk it all on one junkie? Now I realize you two have a history, but this kid's been on the bubble a while now. It's a long time coming.

Walter: What is?

Mike: [Chuckles] Um... I used to be a beat cop, long time ago. And I'd get called out on domestic disputes all the time, hundreds probably over the years. But there was this one guy, this one piece of shit, that I will never forget: Gordy. He looked like Bo Svenson. You remember him? Walking Tall? You don't remember?

Walter: No.

Mike: Anyway. Big boy; 270, 280. But his wife, or whatever she was, his lady, was real small. Like a bird, wrists like little branches. Anyway, my partner and I get called out there every weekend and one of us would pull her aside and say, "C'mon, tonight's the night we press charges." And this wasn't one of those 'deep down he really loves me' setups, we got a lot of those, but not this. This girl was scared. She wasn't gonna cross him no way, no how. Nothing we could do but pass her off to the EMTs, put him in the car, drive him downtown, throw him in the drunk tank. He sleeps it off, next morning out he goes, back home. But one night, my partner's out sick and it's just me. And the call comes in and it's the usual crap. Broke her nose in the shower kind of thing. So I cuff him, put him in the car and away we go. Only that night, we're driving into town, and this sideways asshole is in my backseat humming 'Danny Boy'. And it just rubbed me wrong. So instead of left, I go right, out into nowhere. And I kneel him down and I put my revolver in his mouth and I told him, "This is it. This is how it ends." And he's crying, going to the bathroom all over himself, swearing to God he's gonna leave her alone, screaming – much as you can with a gun in your mouth. And I told him to be quiet, that I needed to think about what I was gonna do here. And of course he got quiet. Goes still, and real quiet, like a dog waiting for dinner scraps. And we just stood there for a while: me acting like I'm thinking things over, and Prince Charming kneeling in the dirt with shit in his pants. After a few minutes I took the gun out of his mouth and I say; "So help me if you ever touch her again I will such and such and such and such and blah blah blah blah blah".

Walter: Just... just a warning?

Mike: Hmph. Of course. Just trying to do the right thing. But two weeks later he killed her. Of course. Caved her head in with the base of a Waring blender. We got there, there was so much blood you could taste the metal. The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. [stands up] No more half measures, Walter.

[Gus has summoned Walt, Jesse, and the rival dealers to a meeting at the Los Pollos Hermanos distribution center]

Gus: Sit down. I understand that you have a problem with two of my employees. It is true that they killed one of your associates. It is possible they acted rashly, but on the other hand there was a provocation. The man was selling on their territory. There is blame on both sides. This will go no further. It will be settled right here, right now.

Jesse: [to Walter] You told him?

Gus: [to the two dealers] Wait outside. [the two dealers leave and Gus turns to Jesse] Listen to me. You have one friend in this room. [points to Walter] This man. Those men outside are my trusted employees, and when I learned what you intended to do... If it wasn't for this man and the respect I have for him, I would be dealing with this in a very different way. Don't look at him, you look at me. This is what happens now: My men will come back inside and you will shake their hands and you will make peace and that will be the end of this.

Jesse No.

Walter: Jesse... [Gus motions for Walter to be quiet]

Gus: Pardon me?

Jesse: They use kids. These assholes of yours, they got an 11-year old kid doing their killing for them. You're supposed to be some kind of reasonable business man, this is how you do business? [to Walter] You okay with this? You got anything to say here?!

Gus: Bring them back. [the two dealers come back inside] No more children. You understand? [to Jesse] And you, you keep the peace. [Jesse nods] Say it.

Jesse: Yeah. I keep the peace.

Gus: Shake hands.

[Jesse and the two dealers shake hands]

Walter: Run.

Full Measure [3.13][edit]

[Walt is out in the desert when a car pulls up. Walt's cell phone rings]

Walter White: [answers phone] Yeah?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Walter, you see us?

Walter White: Yeah, I see you.

Mike Ehrmantraut: I'd like you to exit your vehicle and start walking toward us.

Walter White: And then what? I'm gonna need some...some kind of assurance.

Mike Ehrmantraut: I assure you I could kill you from way over here if it makes you feel any better.

[Walt walks over to the car that has shown up. Mike gets out and approaches Walt]

Mike Ehrmantraut: Walter. You've been busy. You wanna put your arms out to your sides for me, if you would. [Walt does as he's told, standing as Mike gives him a pat-down] You know I haven't slept since Thursday? I was out all night cleaning up after you. I need my sleep.

Walter White: You said no half measures.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Yeah? Funny how words can be so open to interpretation. [The two of them walk towards the car] You get your car fixed?

Walter White: Not yet.

Mike Ehrmantraut: You're gonna wanna get your car fixed.

Walter White: Let's see how this goes first.

[Gus and Victor emerge from the Suburban]

Gus Fring: Has your condition worsened?

Walter White: Excuse me?

Gus Fring: Your medical condition, has it grown worse?

Walter White: Not that I know of, no.

Gus Fring: Is there a ringing in your ears? Are you seeing bright lights or hearing voices?

Walter White: I'm quite well, thank you.

Gus Fring: No. Clearly you are not. No rational person would do as you have done. Explain yourself.

Walter White: My partner was about to get himself shot. I intervened.

Gus Fring: Some worthless junkie. For him, you intervened and put us all at risk? Some contemptible junkie who couldn't keep the peace for eight hours?

Walter White: That's right, he couldn't. He was angry because those two dealers of yours had just murdered an 11-year old boy.

Gus Fring: I heard about it. He should have let me take care of it.

Walter White: Maybe. Then again maybe he thought it was you who gave the order.

Gus Fring: [acting offended] Are you asking me if I ordered the murder of a child?

Walter White: I would never ask you that.

Gus Fring: Where is Pinkman now?

Walter White: I wouldn't know. Couple of time zones away at least. Beyond that I'd only be guessing. He has enough money to last forever. He knows he has to keep moving. You'll never find him.

Mike Ehrmantraut: I don't know, Walt. It's what I do after all.

Walter White: He's out of the picture. I saved his life, I owed him that, but now he and I are done, which is exactly what you wanted, isn't it? You've always struck me as a very pragmatic man, so if I may, I would like to review options with you, of which, it seems to me, you have two. Option A: you kill me right here and now. Apparently I have made that very easy for you. You can kill me, no witnesses, and then spend the next few weeks or months tracking down Jesse Pinkman and you kill him, too. A pointless exercise, it seems to me, but that is option A.

Gus Fring: What is option B?

Walter White: I continue cooking. You and I both forget about Pinkman. We forget this ever happened. We consider this a lone hiccup in an otherwise long and fruitful business arrangement. I prefer option B.

Gus Fring: You'd need a new assistant. [Walt nods]

Walter White: I could get right on that.

Gus Fring: No. This time, I choose.

[Mike is trying to get Jesse's location from Saul]

Mike Ehrmantraut: Now when I say I'm looking for Pinkman, we both know why, don't we? And you pretending otherwise only wastes my time and serves to annoy me.

Saul Goodman: Look, Mike, there are rules to this lawyer thing.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Is that right?

Saul Goodman: Yeah! Attorney-client privilege. I mean, that's a big one. That's something I provide for you. I give up Pinkman, well, then you're gonna be asking, "Ol' Saul gives 'em up pretty easy. What's to keep him from giving me up?" Y'see, so, then where's the trust?

Mike Ehrmantraut: I trust the hole in the desert I'd leave you in.

Saul Goodman: Yeah, that's...an argument.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Saul, don't make me beat you until your legs don't work. Now tell me where to find him. You know it's the right thing.

[Walt secretly meets with Jesse in the laser tag arena]

Walter: How you holding up?

Jesse: Mm...You?

Walter: I got my old job back. At least until they kill me and Gale takes over.

Jesse: So he's their boy, huh?

Walter: He's their boy.

Jesse: How long you think you got?

Walter: Well, he asks a lot of questions about the cooking process. I try to be as vague as possible but I got that guy Victor watching me, listening to every word I say. Maybe the only thing saving me is Gale's fastidiousness. Once he feels confident that he knows my entire method...

Jesse: So what do we do?

Walter: You know what we do.

Jesse: There's got to be some other way. Maybe it's better for you to just go the cops, alright? I mean, I can't believe I'm saying that and all, but for your family. Hey, the DEA would love you, the shit you tell them. Federal Witness Protection, that's a good deal. As for me, I'll hit the road, yo. I'll make it. We had a good run...but it's over.

Walter: Never the DEA. The cooking can't stop. That's the one thing I'm certain of – production cannot stop. Gus can't afford to. So if I'm the only chemist that he's got, then I got leverage and leverage keeps me alive, and it keeps you alive, too. I think I can see to that. If I'm the only chemist that he's got...

Jesse: I can't do it, Mr. White. Like you said, I'm not a...I can't do it.

Walter: I'll do it. I'm gonna need your help. I mean, they're watching me day and night. They never leave me alone with Gale, not for a moment. Hell, I don't even know where the man lives. He's not in the phonebook, I can't find him on the Internet, I can't do it in the lab – Victor's always there. I mean, if I can just shake Victor, even an hour one night, I think then that...I may be able to...make it look like an accident.

Jesse: There's got to be some other way.

Walter: I'm all ears, but when it comes down to you and me versus him, I'm sorry – I'm truly sorry – but it's gonna be him.

Walter: Please don't do this. Mike, you don't have to do this.

Mike: Yeah, unfortunately I do, Walter. Downstairs.

Walter: I'll cook. I'll cook for free, and there won't be anymore trouble, I promise you...

Mike: No.

Walter: ...OK, if I could just talk to Gus...

Mike: No.

Walter: ...I know I could make him understand...

Mike: No. Walter...

Walter: ...Please if I could talk to Gus, I could convince him, OK? Just let me please, please, PLEASE let me talk to him!

Mike: SHUT UP! Shut up. I can't do it. I'm sorry.

Walter: Look, I'll give you Jesse Pinkman, OK? Like you said, he's the problem, he's always been the problem and without him, we would...and he's in town, alright? He's not in Virginia or wherever the hell you're looking for him. He's right here in Albuquerque and I can take you to him, I'll take you right to him. What do you say?

Mike: Where is he? Right now you give me an address.

Walter: I don't know, he moves around, but if you let me call him. [Walter reaches for his phone. Victor reaches for his gun] No, no, please! No, it's just my phone. It's just my phone. I'll call him and I'll have him meet me, OK? OK?

[Walter dials Jesse as Mike listens in closely]

Jesse: Did you do it? Mr. White? Did you do it?

Walter: No, I didn't do it. I can't now. It's gonna have to be you.

Jesse: What? No way, man!

Walter: Listen to me. You're closer than we are. You have about a 20 minute lead. They got me at the laundry and they're going to kill me... [Mike and Victor attempt to grab the phone away] Jesse, do it now! Do it! Do it fast! Do it, Jesse! Do it! [Jesse grabs a gun and runs outside. Mike grabs the phone away from Walter]

Victor: Son of a bitch!

[Mike and Victor point their guns at Walter]

Mike: Just what the hell was that exactly?

Walter: You might want to hold off.

Mike: Yeah? [cocks gun] Why?

Walter: Because your boss is gonna need me. 6353 Juan Tabo, apartment 6. [Gale's address. Mike and Victor look at each other, shocked] Yeah.

Season 4[edit]

Box Cutter [4.01][edit]

[Victor begins to cook a batch of meth on his own]

Walter: [quietly to Jesse] Bet he forgets the aluminum. Guarantee. Guarantee he forgets. [Victor pauses and thinks] Uh-huh. You don't know what the hell you're doing, do you? You forgot the aluminum. One of the first steps. [Victor grabs a bucket of aluminum and pours it into the batch] Son of a bitch.

Walter: Alright, let's talk about Gale Boetticher. He was a good man and a good chemist and I cared about him. He didn't deserve what happened to him. He didn't deserve it at all. But I'd shoot him again and tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. When you make it Gale versus me, or Gale versus Jesse, Gale loses! Simple as that. This is on you, Gus, not me, not Jesse. I mean really, what'd you expect me to do? Just simply roll over and allow you to murder us? That I wouldn't take measures – extreme measures – to defend myself? Wrong! Think again.

[Gus, who has changed into a lab jumpsuit, looms over Walter and Jesse with a box cutter]

Walter: Gus, you do this, all you'll have left is an $8 million hole in the ground. This lab, this equipment, is useless without us, without Jesse and myself. You'll have no new product, you'll have no income. Your people out there won't be paid. Your distribution chain collapses. You'll have nothing. You kill me, you have nothing. You kill Jesse, you don't have me. You won't do this. You're too smart. You can't afford to do this. Please let...let us just go back to work. We're here. Let us work. We're ready to go to work. We'll just pick up right where we left off.

[Gus grabs Victor and slices his throat open with the box cutter. After Victor falls to the floor dead, Gus calmly takes off the bloody jumpsuit and washes up. On his way out, he looks back down at them]

Gus: Well? Get back to work.

[Walter and Jesse pour hydrofluoric acid on Victor's corpse]

Mike: I've never used this stuff. Are you sure it will do the job?

Jesse: Trust us.

Jesse: At least now we all understand each other.

Walter: What do you mean?

Jesse: [about Gus] Him and us. We get it. [makes a motion of slitting his throat] We're all on the same page.

Walter: Now, what page is that?

Jesse: The one that says if I can't kill you, you'll sure as shit wish you were dead. [chuckles]

Thirty-Eight Snub [4.02][edit]

Lawson: You know, mister, I've been providin' my services for the past thirty-odd years. You'd think in that time I'd learn better than to ask a man his business. Especially not one referred by the lawyer. But I feel the urge to ask you, we strictly talking defense here?

Walter: Yes. Absolutely, defense. Why?

Lawson: 'Cause if it's just personal protection, aside from a bucket of money, you'd save yourself a potential felony two-spot for carrying a weapon with a defaced serial number if you'd just buy it legally.

Walter: Yeah, but... if you did have to use it, wouldn't it still be better to use one that couldn't be traced?

Lawson: This is the west, boss. New Mexico's not a 'retreat' jurisdiction. A man steps to you intent on doing bodily harm, you got every right to plant your feet and shoot to kill. Some call it a moral right and I do include myself within that class. All this to say, I'm happy to take your money, but if you're not a convicted felon, you might best be advised to bear your arms within the confines of the law.

Walter: It's for defense. [beat] Defense. I'll take it.

Skinny Pete: Left 4 Dead, yo. The way them bitches get all cranial when you cap 'em in the head, it's like BOOYAH!

Badger: No, no, no, man, Resident Evil 4 takes it by a long shot.

Skinny Pete: Oh please, brotha, you're frontin'.

Badger: No, man, seriously, that chick? The one you gotta rescue? She's smoking, bro. And then you're like the last undead dude on Earth, so how can you not be dipping into that? Talk about inspiring a brother to kick some zombie ass.

Skinny Pete: They're trying to eat your brain, bro. A dude don't need no more motivation.

Badger: That's a fair point, I guess. OK, OK, OK, Call of Duty: World at War zombie mode. Now that's the bomb, man. Think on it, bro. They're not just zombies: they're nazi zombies.

Skinny Pete: Nazi zombies...

Badger: Yeah, man! SS Waffen troopers, too, which are like the baddest ass nazis of the whole nazi family!

Skinny Pete: Zombies are dead, man! What difference does it make what their job was when they was living?

Badger: Dude, you are so historically retarded! Nazi zombies don't wanna eat ya just 'cause they're craving the protein. They do it 'cause, they do it 'cause they hate Americans, man. Talibans. They're the Talibans of the zombie world.

Skinny Pete: I played the game, bro. They ain't exactly fleet of foot. I'm saying, where's the challenge? At least the zombies in Left 4 Dead clock a respectable 40. You gotta lead 'em and shit.

Badger: Dude, that's 'cause they're not even zombies! They're just infected! They got like this rage virus. Amps 'em up like they've been smoking the schwag! Apples and oranges, bro. Not even fair to compare the two.

Mike: [without turning around to look at Walter] You might want to learn how to tail better if you plan on making a habit of it.

Walter: May I buy you a drink? Next round when you're done.

Mike: Why not? You make a hell of a lot more than I do.

Walter: [to bartender] Another round for him and I'll have the same. No ice. [to Mike] I feel like I need to explain myself. There were some actions that I took which I want you to understand. I didn't want any of this to happen. Everything I did I did out of loyalty to my partner, and then later, of course, purely out of self-defense. I hope you can appreciate that. Just like I appreciated that... [waits for bartender to walk by] ...I appreciated that when you were going to kill me, you were simply following orders. I get that completely. And I harbor no ill will.

Mike: [sarcastically] There's a load off my mind.

Walter: Mike, I'm trying to tell you–

Mike: I get it. Fine. Drink up, Walter.

Walter: Hell of a last couple of weeks. Makes a man wonder exactly where he stands.

Mike: [rolls eyes and sighs]

Walter: I mean, I cannot be alone in feeling this way. Not after what happened to Victor.

Mike: So...what's with the piece? Right hip, inside your waist band. I noticed it the other day at the lab. Now you wear it if it makes you feel better, but if push comes to shove, it's not gonna help.

Walter: Mike, do I have to come right out and say this? Now you and I, we're in the same boat.

Mike: Drink your drink.

Walter: If it happened to Victor, it can happen to you. And what the hell was that anyway? A message? He cuts a man's throat just to send a message?

Mike: You won, Walter. You got the job. Do yourself a favor and learn to take yes for an answer.

Walter: Yeah, I got the job, but for how long? Get me in a room with him. Mike, just get me in a room and I'll do the rest.

Mike: You done?

Walter: Yeah.

[Mike punches Walter in the face and he falls to the floor. Mike kicks Walter twice as he lies there]

Mike: [putting on his jacket and stepping over Walter] Thanks for the drink.

Jesse: Oh, seriously? Where are you two going?

Badger: Jesse, I've been awake for like three straight days. Turning into a Sleestak.

Jesse: So crash here. It's not like I ain't got the space.

Badger: Yeah, that's cool and all, but I think I got like this cat? Think I'm like supposed to feed it.

Open House [4.03][edit]

[Marie has gone on a shopping run for Hank]

Marie: I had to go to three different places to get the moisturizer that you liked, but I got that and I got your Shiner Bock and your chips and – I couldn't resist – the complete encyclopedia to fantasy football. Look, it has all the latest rankings.

Hank: [looking at the chips] Marie, I said Cheetos, not Fritos.

Marie: Wait, I–

Hank: I must've said Cheetos like ten times. You need me to write it down for you?

Marie: No, and I don't need you to be mean about it either, Mr. Grumpy.

Hank: Well, I'm just saying, y'know, I said Cheetos. Ch-ch-ch sound. Virtually impossible to confuse Cheetos with Fritos it seems to me. Where are you going?

Marie: Back to the store, I guess. [throws Hank the fantasy football magazine] Here.

Hank: And the draft is not for two months so this is useless!

Jesse: For what it's worth, getting the shit kicked out of you? Not to say you get used to it, but you do kinda get used to it.

[Walt and Skyler want to buy the car wash, but Bogdan refuses to sell for a lower price because of Walt's prior behavior]

Saul: So where were we?

Skyler: Professionalism.

Saul: Yeah, um, so the guy won't sell, he won't sell.

Skyler: I don't accept that. I don't accept that he won't sell. I think he just lacks the proper...motivation.

Saul: Motivation? Uh, as in motivation motivation? Just so we're on the same page here, you're saying we'll make him an offer he can't refuse?

Skyler: Nothing so dramatic as that, no. Motivation. Attitude adjustment.

Saul: Ho ho ho ho! This one, she's a keeper. Well, I know an audit can be highly motivating. I know a gal over at Tax & Revenue, you give her ten minutes in this Bogdan fella's books, she'll have his sky raining frogs.

Skyler: No, we don't want to draw any unwanted tax attention. We don't want them looking at us after Bogdan sells.

Saul: Alright, how about an ICE raid? You know he's got illegals working over there. I mean, he just has to.

Skyler: We're not getting a bunch of poor innocent people in trouble, no.

Saul: Yeah, and also you're gonna need them after you take over. Hey, how about terrorism? "Oh, Agent Hoover I gotta tell ya, I've seen some real Islamic comings and going over there at the car wash. Yeah, I mean, guys in turbans pulling up in vans and stuff like that." Heh-heh.

Walter: Saul, Bogdan is Romanian.

Saul: OK, well, we're just spitballin' here, so...

Saul: Look, there's always, "You gotta real nice place here. It'd be a shame if something happened to it." That angle.

Skyler: What are you talking about? Violence?

Saul: Attitude adjustment.

Skyler: Oh no, that, no. That is not at all what I meant. We do not do that. That is not who we are, right?

Walter: [slight pause] Yeah, no, no, no. She's right. Look, do I need to state the obvious? I mean, there's got to be dozens of car washes in this area. Who says it has to be this one?

Skyler: I do. I say it has to.

Walter: Why?

Skyler: I just do.

Walter: God...

Saul: Well, that clears things up.

Skyler: I don't like him. Bogdan. He was condescending to me, he was rude about you, and I do not like him. Simple as that.

Saul: Hey, nobody appreciates a passionate woman more than I do, but in this business – and Walt can back me up on this – the number one rule is, "Don't take things personal."

Walter: What do you mean rude about me?

Skyler: Something along the lines of you weren't man enough to face him yourself.

Walter: What?

Skyler: That you had to send your woman to do your business for you.

Saul: OK, uh, speaking as your lawyer, I'm gonna go on record and say this is a bad idea. Now I advise against–

Walter: It's this one.

Walter: [toasting to the new car wash where he will launder his drug money] To clean cars...and clean money.

Bullet Points [4.4][edit]

[Skyler forces Walt to rehearse with her a conversation so they can announce to Hank their purchase of the car wash without arousing suspicion]

Walter: "I'm terribly, terribly ashamed of my actions."

Skyler: Yeah.

Walter: Two terribly's?

Skyler: It's supposed to show contrition.

Walter: OK, I would just never use that word. I would never say the word "terribly."

Skyler: Phrase it however you want. OK, you're jumping ahead. Now...

Walter: And why am I so ashamed?

Skyler: Do I really need to answer that?

Walter: I was – and am – providing for our family.

Skyler: Let's just pick up where we left off.

Walter: I'm "weak", I'm "out of control". I mean, this whole thing makes me look like crap.

Skyler: This has to be a warts-and-all story, Walt. This is how we both sell it and we both look bad.

Walter: How do you look bad exactly? Where is the "I slept with my boss" bullet point? Because I can't seem to find that anywhere.

Skyler: For a fired school teacher who cooks crystal meth, I say you're coming out pretty much ahead.

[Hank and Walt are looking over Gale's lab notes]

Hank: [looking at Gale's lab notes] Right here, here at the top, it says, "To W.W. My star, my perfect silence." W.W. I mean, who do you figure that is, y'know? Woodrow Wilson? Willy Wonka? Walter White?

Walter: [jokingly, laughing] Heh. You got me!

[Walt is venting to Saul about his problems with the business]

Walter: Then what else should I not worry about, Saul, hm? Should I not worry that Gus plans to murder me at the first chance he gets? Should I not worry that my drug-addicted partner doesn't seem to care whether he lives or dies? You should see his house. It's like skid row! He has actual hobos living there! Now how long before Gus decides that he's too big of a risk? That guy Mike, that grunting dead-eyed cretin, sucker punching me in the face! I've got Gus wielding a box cutter! I mean...Western Union! Message received! Let me ask you, when did this stop being a business, hm? Why am I the only person capable of behaving in a professional manner?

Sketchy: I'm not even kidding, because if you really think about it, you can't even see it so how can you know just how bad radio frequencies and microwaves and cell phones and stuff are getting you. I mean, you can be strolling through security at the airport on your way to see your grandma and then you get waved through a full body x-ray scanner and the next day you can be dead or dying or at least dying from all the radiation that they say is safe which there's no way it could because they have to deliver a concentrated dose, OK? Enough to penetrate your clothes and so the accumulated amount can definitely be dangerous to susceptible individuals, especially if you're from a rural area. I mean, the ozone layer is already through because of the cow farts.

Mike: [to Jesse] You're on thin ice, you little shithead. You know that?

Shotgun [4.05][edit]

Mike: You are not the guy. You're not capable of being the guy. I had a guy but now I don't. You are not the guy.

Jesse: Then what the hell am I doing here?

Mike: I don't know! It's not my call! I just do what I'm told and now you're gonna do what you're told, which is to sit here, shut up, and stay in the car until we finish our pickups! You got it?

Walter Jr.: Hey, Mom? Dad?

Walter: [from the bedroom] Hey, son!

Walter Jr.: Where are you?

Walter: Uh, we're...we're back here. We'll be out in a minute.

Walter Jr.: Oh God...

Walter: Jesse. Jesse! What happened yesterday? Where were you?

Jesse: I was out with Mike helping make pickups.

Walter: Picking up what?

Jesse: Cash, dead drops. Mike made the pickups and I guarded him.

Walter: You...guarded Mike? What is this, some kind of a joke?

Jesse: And you know what? Two dudes tried to rob us and I saved the stash. I took care of business, just like I'm taking care of business right now. You want to stand there dicking around or do you want to suit up and get to work? Get in gear yo, if you want to do this because I'm meeting up with Mike this afternoon.

Walter: What, again? Why?

Jesse: Guess I have two jobs now.

Hank: This guy Gale Boetticher, he was eccentric. Real character, y' know? He's, uh, he's dead now.

Skyler: Who was he?

Walter Jr.: He was a meth cook.

Hank: Uh, he was a meth chef. We're talking 5-stars, candles, and white tablecloth, y'know. I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, but he was a genius, plain and simple. I mean, uh, boy, if he applied that big brain of his to something good, I dunno, who knows? He could've helped humanity or something like that. I mean, how many actual geniuses are there in the world? If he'd have taken his life in a different direction, who knows?

Walter: Hank, not to tell you your business, but I'm not sure I agree.

Hank: What do you mean?

Walter: Well, you showed me that notebook and from what I saw – and this is just my humble opinion – from what I saw on those papers...genius? Not so much. I mean, there was no reasoning, no deductions in those pages, so to my eye, all this brilliance looks like nothing more than just simple rote copying, probably of someone else's work. Believe me, I have been around enough students to know. So this genius of yours, maybe he's still out there.

[Hank is looking through Gale's case file]

Marie: You find something?

Hank: Oh, just this...this guy I'm looking at. You know, everything he buys and eats is organic, fair trade, vegan. [Hank looks at a Los Pollos Hermanos napkin with notes on it found in Gale's apartment] Since when do vegans eat fried chicken?

Cornered [4.06][edit]

Walter: [to Skyler] Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into work? A business big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. Disappears! It ceases to exist without me. No, you clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger! A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!

[Walter smacks open the car wash cash register]

Bogdan: Always sticky.

Walter: Yeah.

Bogdan: No problem. As is. Who'd have thought that someday I would be handing these keys to you? [Bogdan hands Walter the keys to the car wash] Many years... Almost forgot. [Bogdan takes down his framed first dollar]

Walter: Bogdan. As is. [Bogdan hands over the framed dollar and leaves. Walter smashes the frame open and uses the dollar to buy a soda]

Walter: Alright, I need an update.

Jesse: Update on what?

Walter: An update on these little field trips that you've been taking with Mike.

Jesse: I told you already we pick up money, check on things, stuff like that.

Walter: And you're his bodyguard, right? [Jesse turns away] What? What? That's what you said!

Jesse: I said I guarded him, like backup, like a second set of eyes. Everybody needs backup, right?

Walter: And this has to be you? It can't be – I don't know – Tyrus or any of the couple dozen muscleheads that Gus has working for him? It has to be Jesse Pinkman. Why? What, is there something about you I don't know? Are you a former Navy SEAL? Do you have to have your hands registered as lethal weapons?

Jesse: [flips Walter off] Register this.

Walter: All I'm saying is that do you not even question this? Do you really believe that you mean anything to these people? And I'm not trying to be insulting, I'm just trying to make you see things clearly.

Jesse: I see they can't outright kill me but they don't want me getting high. I see this thing probably started as Gus getting Mike to babysit me. But you know what? I saved Mike from getting robbed, even killed maybe. So maybe I'm not such a loser after all!

Walter: I mean, what if it...Oh God... [Walter thinks] I mean, what if it...What if it's all just a set-up?

Jesse: What?

Walter: What if this robbery that you stopped wasn't even real? I mean, think about it. Your first day out guarding Mike, he steps out for one second and what happens? You immediately get robbed.

Jesse: You are such an asshole!

Walter: Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Like you said, Gus can't kill you because of me. He knows that I won't stand for it. He needs me and he hates the fact that he needs me! So what does he do? He goes to work driving a wedge between you and me!

Jesse: You're an asshole. If you'd been there, you'd know it wasn't a set-up.

Walter: Wait a minute, how long did those guys chase you, huh? 'Cause the way you describe it, they gave up pretty damn easy. No, no, this whole thing – all of this – it's all about me.

Walter: This was my idea. Don't punish them. You tell Gus to blame me, not them.

Tyrus: He does.

Skyler: Someone has to protect this family from the man who protects this family.

Problem Dog [4.07][edit]

Walter: [on phone] Yes, hello. I need a cab...Yes, thank you. The name is White...I'm at the Vavillion parking lot near University...Oh yes, that's right, just south of the airport...Oh, that would be great, thank you. Oh, how long do you think that will take? [The Dodge Challenger explodes] No, I'm sure he'll see me. Thank you.

Walter: A month ago, Gus was trying to kill both of us, and now he pulls you out of the lab and employs you as...what? An assistant gunman? A tough guy? Does that make any sense to you? He says he sees something in you. What kind of game is he playing? Does he think you're that naive? He can't truly think that you'd forget. Let alone Gale, let alone Victor, and all the horror that goes along with all of that, what about this girlfriend of yours? And her little brother? I mean, the man looked you straight in the eye and told you no more children, but that very night, that little boy...he just, he winds up...I mean, Gus can't possibly think that you'd forget that. All I'm saying is that is it possible that he would think that you're that weak-willed...

Jesse: Drop the sales pitch. I'll do it.

Walter: You'll do what?

Jesse: I'll kill him. First chance I get.

Jesse: What is this? I mean, you're giving me a gun and now I'm like part of the team or whatever? He says he sees something in me. Like what?

Mike: If I had to put it in a word, I'd guess loyalty.

Jesse: Loyalty.

Mike: Only maybe you got it for the wrong guy.

Jesse: The thing is, if you just do stuff and nothing happens, what's it all mean? What's the point? Oh right, this whole thing is about self-acceptance.

Group Leader: Kicking the hell out of yourself doesn't give meaning to anything.

Jesse: So I should stop judging and accept?

Group Leader: It's a start.

Jesse: So no matter what I do, hooray for me because I'm a great guy? It's all good? No matter how many dogs I kill, I just, what, do an inventory and accept?! I mean, you backed your truck over your own kid and you, like, accept?! What a load of crap!

Group Leader: Hey, Jesse, I know you're in pain...

Jesse: No, you know what, why I'm here in the first place, is to sell you meth! You're nothing to me but customers! I made you my bitch! You okay with that? Huh? You accept?

Group Leader: No.

Jesse: About time.

Hank: I mean, what do we know about Gustavo Fring, huh? This whole friend of law enforcement thing? Could be a case of keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. I mean, he's got the money to finance this operation, maybe he's got the connections, too. Maybe – just maybe – he's our guy.

Merkert: Hank, no offense, but I think you're really reaching.

Gomez: If your guy had his meeting at KFC, you wouldn't immediately assume that he's sitting down with Colonel Sanders.

Hank: You know, I couldn't agree more, guys. Gustavo Fring, blue meth...Whole thing is off-the-map nuts. I ought to be wearing a tinfoil hat, you know? Except I can't seem to wrap my mind around this one little thing, and that is, what are Gustavo Fring's fingerprints doing in Gale Boetticher's apartment?

Hermanos [4.08][edit]

[Hector watches a news report on the deaths of Leonel and Marco]

News Reporter: One of the suspected gunmen died at the scene. The second succumbed to his wounds earlier this evening at an area hospital. Agents with the DEA and FBI, in conjunction with APD Homicide are working with Mexican law enforcement in an attempt to identify the deceased suspects. Both-[Gus turns off the TV, pulls up a chair and sits down, facing Hector]

Gus: I can give you the highlights. Your nephews grew impatient. They continued to press me for my permission to kill Walter White. When I wouldn't give it, they settled instead for DEA Agent Schrader. But a phone call was placed to Agent Schrader moments before the attack, thus giving him the upper hand. Marco, shot in the face and died instantly. Leonel lingered for several hours. The warning call to the DEA agent...Juan Bolsa may have some insight into who placed it. For yesterday the federales raided his hacienda, and in the confusion, Juan was shot dead. An accident, perhaps? A mistake made by his own men? But we may never know. At any rate, I thought you should hear it from me. [Gus pats a furious Hector on the leg and stands up to leave] This is what comes of blood for blood, Hector. Sangre por sangre.

Gary: It's like what they say: man plans and God laughs.

Walter: That is such bullshit.

Gary: Excuse me?

Walter: Never give up control. Live life on your own terms.

Gary: Yeah, no, I get what you're saying, but, uh, cancer is cancer.

Walter: To hell with your cancer. I've been living with cancer for the better part of a year. Right from the start, it's a death sentence. That's what they keep telling me. Well, guess what? Every life comes with a death sentence, so every few months I come in here for my regular scan, knowing full well that one of these times – hell, maybe even today – I'm gonna hear some bad news. But until then, who's in charge? Me. That's how I live my life.

Hank: Officially, Fring's not a suspect. But I'm telling ya, something deep down says he's my guy. Just gotta prove it.

Jesse: So, what if this is like math or algebra? And you add a plus douchebag to a minus douchebag, and you get, like, zero douchebags?

Walter: I've got some math for you: Hank catching Gus equals Hank catching us!

Gus: Is today the day, Hector?

[Flashback to a younger Gus with his partner, Max, in a hacienda in Mexico]

...

Eladio: Sit, please. So, if your partner is the chef, then who are you? Don't tell me you are just the taster!

Gus: I handle the business operations.

Max: Gustavo is a brilliant businessman.

Eladio: Ah, a businessman! Good, good. But, tell me something. That chicken, so fabulous, so excellent... Besides that, what else do you have on your menu?

Max: We have several side dishes. Rice. Beans. Sometimes we prepare a carnitas entree if we come across fresh beef in the market.

Eladio: Anything else? Come on, be honest. There is nothing else you offer? A little taste of something else? Something on the side? Because when I send my men to your restaurant, they come back with more than just chicken. They come back with drugs. They come back high. No? You are selling them narcotics. Methamphetamine. No?

Gus: With all due respect, Don Eladio, I didn't sell it to them. I gave them samples.

Eladio: Samples.

Hector: Some businessman.

Gus: I gave them samples to give to you. To introduce you to our product.

Max: Don Eladio, Gustavo meant no offense. But he...that is to say we...could think of no other way to get your attention. We want to work with you, Don Eladio.

Eladio: I know all about methamphetamine. That's poor man's cocaine. Only bikers and hillbillies use it. There's no money in it.

Max: May I, Don Eladio...I am a biochemist by training. The methamphetamine we make is much superior to the so-called biker crank you know of. It is crystallized, like glass. Purer. And the chirality of the molecule – its very structure – is different. The narcotic effect is far more potent.

Gus: Don Eladio, this product is the drug of the future.

Eladio: Ah.

Gus: It'll triple your profits. Perhaps quadruple.

Juan: They're not only good cooks, they're great at shoveling manure.

Eladio: [laughing] No, no, no, continue, continue.

Gus: Right now, you deal almost exclusively in cocaine. But the coca plant can't grow in Mexico. You are no more than middlemen for the Colombians. They cut you a percentage for smuggling across the border. But the lion's share of the profit goes to them, despite your assumption of all the risk.

Max: This new crystal methamphetamine, it's stronger, more addictive than cocaine, which means it will move in higher volume. But most importantly, it's completely artificial. We can show you how to manufacture it, right here in Mexico.

Gus: And you keep all the profits.

Eladio: My men do like your product.

Juan: Si.

Eladio: Hector, what is wrong with you? Why did you not get glasses for our guests? Go on. [Hector goes to the bar] Good. You are quite the talent. I bet you learned cooking from your mama. Isn't that true? No? But...what about the chemistry?

Max: I studied at the University of Santiago. Gustavo paid for my education.

Eladio: Oh, really?

Max: I have degrees in both biochemistry and chemical engineering. With minimal capital investment, we can set up a factory-grade laboratory for you. Train your own people to manufacture large quantities of highly pure methamphetamine.

Eladio: Fantastic! Tell me one thing, though. If you're the cook...why do I need him?

Max: Senor?

Eladio: You. Businessman. Why should I negotiate with someone who doesn't respect me? Who insults me by dealing under my nose without my permission? Who manipulates me into a meeting in front of my own men? What do I need you for?

Gus: Don Eladio. Please. I didn't sell anything. I apologize if you are offended by my method of obtaining this meeting. I merely took the initiative. I meant no insult.

Max: Don Eladio, Gustavo didn't mean to offend. I know Gustavo like a brother. He's an honorable man. The most loyal man I have ever known. He rescued me from the Santiago slums. He made me the man I am today! Gustavo is a genius. He will make you millions! Just find it in your heart to forgive him this one small mistake. Please...He's my partner. I need him! I swear to God!

[Hector shoots Max in the head. Gus lunges at Hector, but Juan holds him back and pins him to the ground next to Max's dead body]

Hector: Look at him. You did this to him. Now, look at him.

Eladio: Listen to me. The only reason you are alive and he is not...is because I know who you are. But understand. You are not in Chile anymore.

Hector: My advice...stick to chicken.

[Flashback ends]

Gus: Look at me, Hector. Look...at...me. [Hector cannot bring himself to look. Gus gets up and pats him on the shoulder] Maybe next time.

Bug [4.09][edit]

[Hank wants Walt to drive him out to Gus's distribution center]

Hank: So, what do ya say, buddy? Got another field trip in ya?

Walter: [feigning illness] Uh, Hank, uh, I mean, it sounds great, really does, but y'know, I won't lie, you caught me somewhat...indisposed.

Hank: What do ya mean, like, taking a dump indisposed?

Walter: Yeah, that's...embarrassingly, that's it. Y'know, it's just upset stomach and everything. It's out of control...really explosive. Bad Tex-Mex at the mall.

Hank: Yeah yeah yeah I get it, you don't have to paint me a picture. Probably one guy in a diaper is enough for this trip anyway.

[Mike and Jesse bring in the body of a henchman shot by the Cartel into the lab]

Walter: Should I even ask?

Mike: I wouldn't.

Walter: So, what? Is this going to be a regular thing now? Meth cooking and corpse disposal? Jesus...

Mike: Just grab us a spare barrel, Walter.

Walter: What was it this time? What did this poor bastard do to piss off Gus? Or did Gus just need to send another message?

Mike: Shut your mouth! You shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you. I don't want you talking to me or Jesse. Just get the barrel. And if you ever plan on calling the cops on one of my guys again, you go ahead and get two barrels.

[Skyler shows up "late" for Ted's IRS audit]

Skyler: Oh, I am so sorry I am late! I got lost. Hey, Ted.

Ted: Sky?

Skyler: Whew, this building is so confusing! There are doors everywhere! Hi. You are?

James: Special Agent James Picarus.

Skyler: Ooh, special.

Jesse: What am I doing here?

Gus: I know you have concerns. What happened yesterday to my man at the farm, it was a terrible thing.

Jesse: Oh, the dude getting his head blown off? Yeah.

Gus: I have invited you into my home, prepared food, so we could sit and talk. Discuss what's going on in this business. Our business. Like men. And I will explain everything that's happening. I will answer your questions. But first, I need you to answer one question for me: can you cook Walter's formula?

Jesse: What?

Gus: Walter's formula. Can you produce this product without any help alone?

Jesse: No. Why? You asking me if I can cook Mr. White's crystal without him? Me? The junkie loser you were about to waste and dump in the desert a month ago? This your plan, huh? Invite me to your house and make whatever the fuck this is? Be my buddy and make me feel important? Then get me to keep cooking for you after you kill Mr. White? You wanna talk like men? Let's talk like men: you kill Mr. White, you're gonna have to kill me, too!

Gus: That is not what I asked you. You are here because circumstances with the Cartel are untenable and I need your help. I need you to help prevent an all-out war. Now, if you would answer the question.

Jesse: Thank God. Come on in. You, uh, you want a beer or something?

Walter: No. Could I sit down?

Jesse: Oh yeah yeah, sure, go ahead. OK so, um, OK, word has come down that they want me to go to Mexico. There's some sort of war brewing between Gus and the Cartel.

Walter: Word has come down?

Jesse: The Cartel has been messing with Gus' operation, like jacking trucks to like send a message. And yesterday? That dude we brought to the lab? They shot him right in front of me! Just blew his head open! Some sniper nailed him from like a mile away. Anyway, they've been holding off but from between Cartel taking potshots and your brother-in-law trying to throw a net over the whole deal, it's like what you call a rock and a hard place situation. So Gus is gonna cave. So the Cartel wants half of Gus' entire operation and they want your formula. And he's gonna give it to them. Well, I, I gotta give it to them. I mean, I'm supposed to go to Mexico and teach a bunch of Cartel chemists how to cook a batch of blue. Y'know, Gus doesn't trust you so I gotta go! I mean, you're the chemist, man, not me. I mean, let's say I go down and go over there to the jungle or whatever and say they got actual chemists, I mean Cartel chemists, asking me chemistry stuff that I don't know how to answer because I'm not you. And what if all the equipment is in Mexican instead of English? Ugh, I dunno, I dunno, if I mess this up, I am dead. All of us! Mr. White, look, I need your help. OK, maybe you could, uh, could like coach me or something or you could give me some notes. Mr. White?

Walter: So you saw Gus?

Jesse: What? No.

Walter: You didn't see Gus.

Jesse: No.

Walter: Then who told you all of that?

Jesse: It was passed down, like I said.

Walter: Passed down? By whom?

Jesse: By, uh, by Mike and them. They did, they–

Walter: So "they" doesn't include Gus. You haven't been with Gus, you haven't seen Gus, you haven't spoken to Gus.

Jesse: Why are–

Walter: You weren't at Gus' house last night?

Jesse: What? [Walter walks up to Jesse and grabs the cigarette pack from him] What the hell? Jeez!

Walter: [Taking out the ricin cigarette] It's still here. It's still here. [Walter throws the ricin cigarette at Jesse] You look me in the eye and you tell me that you weren't at his house last night.

Jesse: I, um...

Walter: Yeah.

Jesse: Look I didn't have a chance, alright? OK? I knew you would react this way! I knew you would freak out and you wouldn't believe me! That's why I didn't say anything. Look, there was just this one big pot of stew, OK? He just made this one big pot and we both ate from it. What was I supposed to do, huh? Poison myself?

Walter: 2 hours and 18 minutes and you couldn't figure out a way to give it to him.

Jesse: He never left the room!

Walter: YOU LYING LITTLE SHIT! You had one thing to do, one thing! That is the only thing, I might add, that would save our lives. And you were right there. You were in the house and you didn't have the guts to do it!

Jesse: 2 hours and 18 minutes?

Walter: You never had any intention of killing him, did you?

Jesse: How did you know I was at his house last night? Were you following me?

Walter: This. This is how I knew. [tosses the GPS tracker to Jesse]

Jesse: You bugged my car?

Walter: 7:10 to 9:28 pm. 2 hours and 18 minutes. But you had no intentions, did you? Not the slightest intention.

Jesse: Everything that I have done for you...

Walter: Oh ho!

Jesse: ...you put a bug on my car?!

Walter: I'm sorry, after everything you've done for me? What you've done for me?! You've killed me is what you've done! You signed my death warrant! And now you want advice? Alright, I'll give you advice: go to Mexico and screw up like I know you will and wind up in a barrel somewhere!

[Jesse throws the GPS tracker at Walter's head, causing a bloody gash on it. Walter charges at Jesse and the two fight. Jesse gains the upper hand and sits on top of Walter, punching him numerous times and leaving him bloody. Both eventually get back on their feet]

Jesse: Can you walk?

Walter: Yeah.

Jesse: Then get the fuck outta here and never come back.

Salud [4.10][edit]

[Jesse finds that the cartel lab doesn't have one of the required chemicals he needs for his cooking process]

Benicio Fuentes: [in Spanish] This is ridiculous. I'm not letting some infant who can't even synthesize phenylacetic acid teach me my business.

Jesse Pinkman: [to Gus] Tell this asshole if he wants to learn how to make my product he's got to do it my way. The right way. [Benicio steps up to Jesse]

Benicio Fuentes: I speak English.

Jesse Pinkman: So you understand what "asshole" means. Now go get me my phenylacetic acid, asshole.

[Jesse has observed that the cartel's lab is filthy]

Benicio Fuentes: Who do you think you are?

Jesse Pinkman: [gets in Benicio's face] I'm the guy your boss brought here to show you how it's done. And if this is how you run your lab, no wonder. You are lucky he hasn't fired your ass. Now, if you don't want that to happen, I suggest you stop whining like a little bitch and do what I say...

[the two stare one another down for several seconds]

Benicio Fuentes: [in Spanish] Clean up.

Walter: I wish I could take back last night. It was your birthday; this shouldn't be on your mind.

Walter Jr.: It's OK.

Walter: No, it's not OK. I'm your father. I don't want last night to be... I mean, you really... you can't think of me like...

Walter Jr.: Like what? I don't understand.

Walter: My father died when I was six. You knew that, right?

Walter Jr.: Yeah.

Walter: He had Huntington's disease. It destroys portions of the brain, affects muscle control, and leads to dementia. It's just a nasty disease. It's genetic. Terrified my mother that I might have it, so they ran tests on me when I was a kid, but I came up clean. My father fell very ill when I was four, five. Spent a lot of time in the hospital. My, heh, my mother would tell me so many stories about my father. I mean, she would talk about him all the time. I knew about his personality, how he treated people, I even knew how he liked his steaks cooked: medium rare, just like you. I knew things about my father, I had a lot of information. It was because people would tell me these things. They would paint this picture of my father for me and I always pretended that was who I saw too, that I remembered. But it was all a lie. In truth, I only have one real, actual memory of my father. It must have been right before he died. My mother would take me to the hospital to visit him. And I remember the smell in there. The chemicals. It was as if they used every single cleaning product they could find in a 50 mile radius, like they didn't want you smelling the sick people. There was this stench of Lysol and bleach, you could just feel it coating your lungs. Anyway, there, lying on the bed, is my father. And he's all... he's all twisted up. My mom, she puts me on her lap, she's sitting on the bed next to him so I can get a good look at him, but really he just scares me. And he's looking right at me, but I can't even be sure he knows who I am. And your grandmother is talking, trying to be cheerful as she does, but the only thing I could remember is him breathing. There was this... this rattling sound, like if you were shaking an empty spray paint can. Like there was nothing in him. Anyway, that is the only real memory that I have of my father. I don't want you to think of me the way I was last night. I don't want that to be the memory you have of me when I'm gone.

Walter Jr. Remembering you that way wouldn't be so bad. The bad way to remember you would be the way you've been this whole last year. At least last night you were... you were real, y'know?

Jesse: What is this shit? I don't get a vote? I'm supposed to just stay down here forever?

Mike: I promise you this: either we're all going home or none of us are. Now settle down.

Eladio: Gustavo, cheer up, man. Gustavo, I'm not angry. I had to spank you. But what choice did I have? Look, once every 20 years you forget your place. There's no place for emotion in this. You of all people should understand. Business is business.

[Gus has just offed Don Eladio and the other cartel capos with poisoned tequila, and is beginning to suffer from the effects of the poison]

Gus: Don Eladio está muerto! Sus capos están muertos! Ustedes no tienen a nadie mas por quien pelear. Llenen sus bolsillos, y váyanse en paz… O VENGAN A PELEAR CONMIGO, Y MUERAN! ["Don Eladio is dead! His capos are dead! You have no one left to fight for! Fill your pockets and leave in peace, OR FIGHT ME AND DIE!"]

Crawl Space [4.11][edit]

Gus: You did well down here. And you also proved a point. I think you can run the lab by yourself now, don't you?

Jesse: Let Mr. White go. Pay him off or fire him. Don't kill him.

Gus: You know that won't work.

Jesse: Then you got a problem.

Gus: Hello, Hector. [Gus presents Hector with Don Eladio's necklace] All of them, Hector. Don Eladio, Don Paco, Cesar, Reynaldo, Ortuno, Cisco, and Luis. Escalara. All dead. As is your grandson, Joaquin. Do you know who killed Joaquin? Would you like to see? [Gus turns Hector to Jesse] This young man. Do you remember him? That young man shot Joaquin to death while I made my escape. I believe you have met him before. It was just you and Joaquin. He was the only family you had left. Now the Salamanca name dies with you. Will you look at me now? Look at me, Hector. Look at me.

[Ted answers a knock at the door and is greeted by two of Saul's underlings, Kuby and Huell.]

Ted Beneke: Can I help you?

Kuby: Yeah. Thanks.

[Kuby and Huell step into Ted's house uninvited.]

Ted: W-wait, you just can't... What's this about?

Kuby: I'll tell you what this is about, Mr. Beneke. This is about you and me doing our best to keep Huell happy.

Ted: Huell? Who's Huell?

Kuby: This is Huell. Huell, you happy?

Huell: Reasonably.

Kuby: What would make you unhappy?

Huell: This little motherfucker not doing what he's told.

Kuby: If you were to become unhappy, Mr. Beneke wouldn't care for that?

Huell: I'm gonna say no.

Kuby: Well, there you have it. Now let's go find your checkbook.

Gus: You are done. Fired. Do not show your face at the laundry again. Stay away from Pinkman. Do not go near him...ever. Are you listening to me?

Walter: Or else you'll do what?

Gus: What did you say?

Walter: Stay away from Pinkman...or else you'll do...what? Kill me? If you could kill me, I'd already be dead. But you can't. You can't kill me because Jesse wouldn't cook for you if you did. That's it, isn't it? [coughs] No matter how hard you try to turn him against me, to screw with his head, so that he would hate my guts...and he still won't let you do it.

Gus: For now. But he'll come around. In the meantime, there's the matter of your brother-in-law. He is a problem you promised to resolve. You have failed. Now it's left to me to deal with him.

Walter: You can't.

Gus: If you try to interfere, this becomes a much simpler matter. I will kill your wife. I will kill your son. I will kill your infant daughter.

Walter: [panicking] Saul! This man we spoke of before, this, this person that you said could, could disappear me, give me a whole new life, and make sure I'm never found?

Saul: Yeah.

Walter: I need him! I need this man now! Saul, Gus is gonna murder my whole family.

Saul: Oh, Christ.

Walter: Saul! Now, Saul!

Saul: Yeah yeah! [Saul hurries over to a locked safe.] You understand there's no coming back from this? You're gonna get new Socials and new identities. You can't contact your friends or relatives ever again.

Walter: Alright! Yes, I understand!

Saul: How are you gonna sell this to that wife of yours.. and your teenage son?

Walter: I have got no choice.

Saul: You're wanted by some pretty scary individuals, not to mention the law. You're a high-risk client. You're gonna need the deluxe service. It's gonna cost you.

Walter: How much?

Saul: The last quote I got on the deluxe was 125 grand. But you've got four people to vanish. It's gonna be at least half a million. And he accepts cash only.

Walter: I've got the money, now come on! Please!

Saul: Here!

[Saul hands Walter a business card. Walter hurriedly grabs it and reads it.]

Walter: What?! This.. this is a vacuum cleaner repair company!

Saul: What'd you expect, Hadji's Quick Vanish?!

Walter: Where is it? Where's the rest?

Skyler: Wha-?

Walter: The money, Skyler, where is the rest? Skyler? WHERE IS THE MONEY?!

Skyler: [pause] I gave it to Ted.

Walter: What? You did what?

Skyler: Walt, I'm...I had to. For us, the family. I swear, Walt...

Walter: You gave our money to Beneke?

Skyler: Walt, please, please, just hear me out, please...

Walter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [Walter collapses crying, then breaks out in crazy laughter, as Skyler backs away to answer the phone]

End Times [4.12][edit]

Skyler: Walt, how long till you're safe? Till you can work this out?

Walter: Oh Skyler...

Skyler: No.

Walter: Skyler–

Skyler: No.

Walter: I have lived under the threat of death for a year now. And because of that, I've made choices.

Skyler: Walt, I–

Walter: Listen to me. I alone should suffer the consequences of those choices, no one else. And those consequences...they're coming. No more prolonging the inevitable.

[Gomez is searching the laundry. Jesse and Tyrus are stuck in the underground lab and Jesse is on the phone with Gus]

Gus: Do you know what is happening upstairs?

Jesse: I have a pretty good idea.

Gus: This is all a result of your former partner. Do you understand now? Do you see why this can't continue?

Jesse: You know, I get it, the guy is a complete and total dick, but I can't. I'm not signing off, OK? Like I said, if something...final...happens to Mr. White, we're going to have a problem. So what're you gonna do?

Gus: There will be an appropriate response.

Saul: Take a break, H.T. Let's go.

Franschesa: You're going to stop calling me that or I'm gonna hang you by your tie.

Saul: Yeah, yeah, stop showing off for the client. Honey Tits! I say it's endearing.

Walter: I don't know what you're thinking coming here. Aw Christ, what does it matter? Everything, it's all coming to an end. Do you even know what's happening? The full scope of what's happening? They took me out to the desert, they put a hood over my head and drove me out into the desert on my knees. They threatened my family, and not just Hank. My wife, my children... It's just a matter of time now. I was able to protect them for now, but...Gus is gonna make his move and...and I don't know...I don't know when or how. All I know is it's gonna happen. And I'm powerless to stop it.

[Jesse is pointing a gun at Walter, accusing him of poisoning his girlfriend's son, Brock]

Walter: Jesse, why? Why, in God's name, would I poison a child?

Jesse: To get back at me! Because I'm helping Gus and this is your way of ripping my heart out before you're dead and gone! Just admit it! Admit what you did! ADMIT IT!

Walter: I DID NOT DO THIS!

Jesse: SHUT UP! [Jesse pushes Walter down] STOP LYING!

Walter: I'm not, I'm not lying, Jesse, listen to me, listen to me, what would I have to gain, what possible...possible...who...who would...Oh my God... [Walter begins laughing]

Jesse: Hey. Stop laughing. STOP LAUGHING!

Walter: I have been waiting...I've been waiting all day, waiting for Gus to send one of his men to kill me, and it's you. Who do you know who's OK with using children, Jesse, who do you know? Who's allowed children to be murdered, hm? Gus! He has been ten steps ahead of me at every turn and now the one thing that he needed to finally get rid of me is your consent, and boy he's got that down, he's got it. And not only does he have that, but he manipulated you into pulling the trigger for him.

Jesse: But only you and I knew about the ricin!

Walter: No! You don't even believe that. Gus' cameras everywhere, please. Listen to yourself. No, he's known everything all along. Where were you today? In the lab? And you don't think it's possible that Tyrus lifted the cigarette out of your locker? C'mon! Don't you see? You are the last piece of the puzzle. You are everything that he's wanted. You're his cook now. You're the cook and you have proven you can run a lab without me, and now that cook has reason to kill me. Think about it! It's brilliant! So go ahead, if you think that I am capable of doing this, then go... [Walter grabs Jesse's wrist and puts the gun on his own forehead] ...put a bullet in my head and kill me right now.

Jesse: I'll do it.

Walter: DO IT! Do it.

Jesse: I'll do it!

Walter: Do it. Do it.

[Jesse does not pull the trigger. He turns to leave]

Walter: Where are you going?

Jesse: I'm gonna find the son of a bitch and I'm gonna kill him.

Walter: No, don't, he'll see you coming. You'll die before you get anywhere near him.

Jesse: I don't care.

Walter: Jesse, Jesse, just get in your car, just go, just drive.

Jesse: No. I'm going to do this one way or another, Mr. White.

Walter: Then let me help.

Face Off [4.13][edit]

[Hector is angered when he sees Walter in front of him.]

Walter: I know you despise me and I know how much you want to see me dead. But I'm willing to bet there's a man that you hate even more. I'm offering you an opportunity for revenge.

[Hector has come to "rat" to the DEA as a trap for Gus]

Nurse: A, E, I, O... [Hector rings the bell] Row O. P, Q, R, S. [Hector rings the bell] First letter S. A, E, I, O, U... [Hector rings the bell repeatedly] Second letter U. A... [Hector rings the bell] A, B, C... [Hector rings the bell] A, E, I... [Hector rings the bell] J, K... [Hector rings the bell] A, E, I... [Hector rings the bell] J, K, L, M... [Hector rings the bell] A, E, I, O, U... [Hector rings the bell] Row U. V, W, X, Y... [Hector rings the bell]

George Merkert: Alright, that's enough. Thank you. [Merkert shows Hank that Hector so far spelled out "Suck My"]

Hank Schrader: Yeah, thanks, I can spell. Well, got that out of your system now? Should we try this one more time? [Hector rings the bell]

Nurse: A, E... [Hector rings the bell] F... [Hector rings the bell] A, E, I, O, U... [Hector rings the bell repeatedly] A... [Hector rings the bell] B, C... [Hector rings the bell. He so far spelled "Fuc"]

Hank Schrader: Yeah, we...we got it, yeah.

[The nurse wheels Hector out of the meeting]

Nurse: I am just so, so sorry.

[Hector winks at Hank]

Hank: Well, at least this time he didn't shit himself. I guess that's progress.

Gus: What kind of man talks to the DEA? No man. No man at all. [Tyrus hands Gus a syringe filled with poison] A crippled little rata. What a reputation to leave behind. Is that how you want to be remembered? Last chance to look at me, Hector.

[He goes to inject Hector, but then looks up and sees Hector is looking at him, in something of a daze, which makes him pause. Hector's expression changes to one of pure anger and hatred, and he begins ringing his bell frantically. Gus looks down and sees that the bell is attached to a bomb on Hector's wheelchair, and realises he's walked into a trap]

Gus: AAH!

[The bomb explodes, killing Hector and Tyrus. Gus walks out of the room with half of his face blown off and then dies]

Walter: [to Jesse] Gus is dead. We've got work to do.

Skyler: Walt? Let me get somewhere where I can hear you. Walt?

Walter: How are you doing?

Skyler: How am I doing? How are you doing?

Walter: I'm, uh...I'm doing quite well. I'm good.

Skyler: Jesus, Walt, the news here. Gus Fring is dead. He was blown up along with some person from some Mexican cartel and the DEA has no idea what to make of it. Do you know about this? Walt? I need you to–

Walter: It's over. We're safe.

Skyler: Was this you? What happened?

Walter: I won.

Season 5[edit]

Live Free or Die [5.01][edit]

Walter: You going to show...I don't know...some kind of mild relief that I'm alive?

Skyler: I am relieved Walt. And scared.

Walter: Scared? Scared of what?

Skyler: You.

Walter: Mike. Where is the laptop?

Mike: What the hell difference does it make? They got it, end of story.

[Walter looks at Mike.]

Mike: [scoffs] APD Northwest Area Command on Second. They tagged it, they filed it. It's in the system, and they locked it in their evidence room.

Walter: All right. All right, so describe the building.

Mike: [chuckles] Describe it? How about how you describe Fort Knox? And what are you going to do? Are you going to put on your black leotard and go dangling on the clothesline? It's a building full of cops, what else do you need to know? And why in the hell am I talking to you?

[Mike turns to leave]

Jesse: Mike, we gotta do something.

Mike: I am doing something!

Jesse: He's good with this stuff, okay? Just give him a chance.

Mike: Hey look, that laptop might as well be on the Moon. They build these evidence rooms like bank vaults, because guess what? Lunatics like you want to break into 'em. But unlike a bank vault, this is a place that is guarded twenty-four hours a day by the police. There's no way you're getting it out of there.

Walter: Who said that we have to get it out of there? We just need to destroy what's on it.

Mike: Oh, so now you want to blow up a police station?

Walter: I don't believe I said that, no.

Mike: Nursing home full of old folks just wet your appetite, now you want to kill a bunch of cops?

Walter: I never said anything about killing anybody. I am, however, considering the possibility of a device.

Mike: A device?

Walter: Yes, a small device. Say this device gets filed into evidence, now it is inside that room.

Jesse: What about a magnet?

Mike: You want to commit a whole other crime just to get this bomb of yours into evidence?

Walter: Bo— Who said bomb? I said a device...

Jesse: Yo, what about like a magnet?

Walter: ...an incendiary device. One quick fire is all it would take.

Mike: You don't think they have fire suppression? I'm not talking about sprinklers, I'm talking about halon, because halon doesn't destroy evidence.

Jesse: A magnet though, maybe—

Walter: Right, so a bomb then. Maybe we plant a bomb outside.

Mike: Oh, actually I knew a crew out of Fort Worth that tried to blow up an evidence room from outside. 'Bout all they did was take out a couple of hedges. You are probably talking about two feet of reinforced concrete.

Walter: Right, then we—

Jesse: Or, what about a magnet?

Walter: What magnet? What about it?

Jesse: You know, it's just like... [imitates the laptop impacting on a wall]

[after successfully testing the magnet]

Jesse: YEAH, BITCH! MAGNETS! OOOOOH!

[Walter, Jesse, and Mike drive away from the APD outpost after using an industrial magnet to wreck an evidence room.]

Jesse: Yeah! Bitch!

Mike: Shut up!

Jesse: Oh! Yeah!

Mike: What exactly are you celebrating? You left the truck behind!

Walter: So what?

Mike: "So what?" So what if they find prints? What if they trace it back to the wrecking yard?

Walter: They won't. There's no prints. I made sure of that. There's no paperwork on the truck, the magnet, or the batteries. Untraceable salvage, all of it. I made sure of that, too.

Mike: Well, you got all the answers. So you tell me, answer man: did all that even work just now?

Walter: Yes. It worked.

Mike: I'm supposed to take that on faith, yeah? Why? How do we know?

Walter: Because I say so.

Walter: [to Saul] We're done when I say we're done.

Walter: [to Skyler] I forgive you.

Madrigal [5.02][edit]

Mike: [regarding Walt's new business proposal] Thanks, but no thanks.

Walter: [beat] Mike, I know you don't care for me. We've had our issues, you and I. But, I would suggest that you leave emotion out of this decision.

Mike: I am. You...are trouble. [leans forward] I'm sorry the kid doesn't see it, but I sure as hell do. You are a time bomb, tick-tick-ticking. And I have no intention of being around for the boom.

George Merkert: So Hector Salamanca killed Fring. Then who gave Salamanca the bomb?

Hank Schrader: A whole lot of questions. Not much in the way of answers. Yet.

Steven Gomez: The APD did find some of Fring's financials. That just might lead to something.

George Merkert: I had him out to my house. Fourth of July, cooked out in the backyard. My son shucked the corn, my daughter cut up potatoes. Fring brought sea bass. Every time I grill it now, I make a little foil pouch, just like he showed me. That whole night, we were laughing, telling stories, drinking wine. And he's somebody else completely...

[An expression of realization dawns on Hank's face.]

George Merkert: ...Right in front of me. Right under my nose.

[Mike is brought to an interrogation room to be questioned by Hank]

Hank Schrader: Thanks for coming down. Have a seat, Mr. Ehrmantraut. [Mike takes a seat] Am I saying that right?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Close enough.

Steven Gomez: So once more, you're waiving your right to have an attorney present?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Correct.

Steven Gomez: Can you state that to the camera, please?

Mike Ehrmantraut: I'm waiving my right to have an attorney present.

Hank Schrader: Uh, okay, then. We just, uh, have a few questions. You're currently employed by the Pollos Hermanos chain. Is that correct?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Yes, I am.

Hank Schrader: What do you do there?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Corporate security.

Hank Schrader: Corporate security?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Yeah.

Hank Schrader: What's that? Like, uh, guarding the special sauce?

Mike Ehrmantraut: I conduct employee background checks. I oversee loss prevention.

Hank Schrader: At a fast-food restaurant, that's a full-time job?

Mike Ehrmantraut: We have 14 locations. So, yes, it's a full-time job.

Hank Schrader: Yeah, well, if I were you, I'd start sending out those résumés. [looks at the file] It says here you're a private investigator? Where are you licensed?

Mike Ehrmantraut: New Mexico, Arizona, Utah. Every state where we operate.

Hank Schrader: Colorado? You have some restaurants there, right?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Colorado doesn't require licensure.

Hank Schrader: You licensed to carry a firearm?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Concealed carry? Yes, I am.

Hank Schrader: Which states?

Mike Ehrmantraut: It'd be quicker to mention the states in which I'm not.

Hank Schrader: And if we pulled your CCPs, everything would be in order?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Well I'm guessing you've already done that, so you tell me.

Hank Schrader: [points a finger at Mike] You strike me as a former cop. Am I right? Where at?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Philadelphia.

Hank Schrader: Philly! [in mock astonishment] The City of Brotherly Love. Turns out we uh, we know some folks there and they told us that your tenure as a police officer ended somewhat, uh...dramatically? You wanna talk about that?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Not particularly.

Hank Schrader: Yeah, me neither. See, I'm more interested in why Gus Fring decided to put a guy like you in charge of his corporate security. I mean, given your history, doing background checks on pimple-faced fry cooks seems like overkill. What else did you do for Fring? He must have needed help running that drug empire of his, no?

Mike Ehrmantraut: [feigns ignorance] Drug empire? First I'm hearing about that. I don't know anything about that.

Steven Gomez: Hey, man. We have a guy that could put you in that underground lab and he'll testify to it. So from here on out, this can go hard or easy. So what's it gonna be?

Mike Ehrmantraut: [leans forward and puts his hands on the table] Forget your handcuffs? I'm confused. Am I under arrest here, or am I not? [retracts his hands] You wanna state that for the camera?

Hank Schrader: You are not under arrest, currently.

Mike Ehrmantraut: Agents, do you have any more questions for me? Because you've got me very stirred up with all these false accusations. If I'm not under arrest, I'd prefer to leave. [Mike gets up, and starts to walk towards the door]

Hank Schrader: Oh, well, I don't suppose we could talk about the $2 million in your granddaughter's name?

[Mike stops in his tracks and stares at Hank]

Hank Schrader: Yeah. It seems that, uh, Fring had all these secret offshore accounts that he would deposit money into. Like, uh, well, an even dozen of them. And they're all in the names of certain people on his payroll. There was the, uh, the manager of the laundry, umm, a couple guys from the Pollos distribution center. Uh, there was the owner of a chemical warehouse, a bunch of others, you know. Guys that must've been getting paid off the books. Anyway, one of the names...was Kaylee Ehrmantraut. Ten years old and just cute as a button. Yeah. $2 million and change we found on deposit for her. Way more than anybody else. Now, my partner here? He took one look at that and said, "Shit, man! This fifth-grade girl is the muscle behind Fring's entire operation!" I said, "Whoa, whoa, hey, partner, slow down there. Maybe it was actually her dear old granddaddy." Impressive, no? That...[clicks his tongue] level of insight? [Mike stares at Hank and Gomez as he absorbs the realization that his funds have been seized] He's not impressed, Gomie.

Steven Gomez: Perhaps he's picturing all that money going "bye-bye".

Hank Schrader: Yeah, well, I mean, the government's gonna take every last dollar, unless... Well here's the thing, Mike- Or Michael?

Mike Ehrmantraut: Mr. Ehrmantraut.

Hank Schrader: Here's the thing, Mike: Lucky for you, you didn't touch that money. I cannot say the same for the other eleven on the list.

Steven Gomez: One of your guys is gonna roll on you, and then we'll definitely remember the handcuffs.

Hank Schrader: Now, before that day comes, you can...do yourself a solid. You can tell us what you know. You can tell us who's still out there, and if we like your story, good things can happen.

Steven Gomez: Kaylee might be able to keep some of that money.

Hank Schrader: Maybe. So what do you say?

Mike Ehrmantraut: I don't know anything about any money. I don't know what you're talking about.

Walter: Well, you missed a good meal. The lasagna came out very well, if I do say so myself. I wrapped some up if you'd like some later. [pause] You know, it gets easier. I promise you that it does. What you're feeling right now. About Ted, everything. It'll pass. So what we do, we do for good reasons. And we've got nothing to worry about. And there's no better reason than family.

Walter: [to Saul] There is gold in the streets just waiting for someone to come and scoop it up.

Hazard Pay [5.03][edit]

[Walter, Jesse, and Saul argue in Saul's law office.]

Saul: So you bring him here? Come on! The three of us? We're the Three Amigos! All for one, one for all! We don't need a Fourth Amigo!

Walter: Saul, Mike knows the business. He knows distributors.

Jesse: Mike's okay.

Saul: He's okay? He said he was going to break my legs. And don't tell me he didn't mean it, okay? 'Cause he gave me the dead mackerel eyes. He meant it.

Walter: Saul, Mike threatened me. He threatened Jesse. He probably threatened someone before breakfast this morning. It's what he does. C'mon. Grow a pair.

Marie: We have another big event coming up. Have you thought about what you're going to do? [pause] Walt's birthday. [Skyler becomes visibly on-edge at the mention of Walt.] Whatever you need, I'm here.

Skyler: Yeah. I—I—I don't think we're going to be doing anything this year.

Marie: What are you talking about? Of-of course we're going to do something. Skyler, he was diagnosed around his birthday, right? So it's been a whole year. Listen, I've had my problems with Walt — why he wouldn't come out of the house when we were all practically begging— whatever, water under the bridge...

[Skyler looks through her purse. She retrieves a pack of cigarettes.]

Marie: ...But at this point, every year is precious. We— what are you doing?

Skyler: I...

Marie: You don't smoke. You haven't smoked since college. You can't be serious! With the baby? And Walt?

[Skyler finally lights the cigarette, having a smoke.]

Marie: Skyler, you're not smoking around the baby, are you? And you can't smoke here! There's got to be some rule or regulation, I'm sure! You can't force your employees to breathe secondhand smoke! I know for a fact that that is illegal—

Skyler: Marie, shut up.

Marie: What? I'm sorry, but please don't speak to me like that. I am simply saying that—

Skyler: Will you shut up?!

Marie: Hey!

Skyler: Shut the hell up! Shut up! Shut up!

Marie: Skyler—

Skyler: Shut up! Shut up!

Marie: Please stop, I—

Skyler: Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Marie: Hey!

Skyler: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

[Skyler breaks down crying.]

Mike: Just because you shot Jesse James, don't make you Jesse James.

Fifty-One [5.04][edit]

Walter: Gus Fring is dead, and he was the threat. He was the danger.

Skyler: I thought you were the danger.

Skyler: There's blood on my hands, too.

Walter: What blood? Beneke?

Skyler: He's in the hospital because of me...

Walter: No.

Skyler: ...because of what I did.

Walter: Skyler, you can't beat yourself up over this thing. Please. You didn't set out to hurt anybody. You made a mistake and things got out of control. But you did what you had to do to protect your family. And I'm sorry, but that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a human being.

Skyler: Stop it, Walt. Just stop. I don't need to hear any of your bullshit rationales. I'm in it now. I'm compromised. But I won't — I will not — have my children living in a house where dealing drugs and hurting people and killing people is shrugged off as "shit happens!" We're back at it? Fine. But the kids stay away, and that's that.

Walter: "That's that?" That's what?

Skyler: I got them out of this house.

Walter: To a sleepover at their aunt and uncle's? They spend a day or two, Junior stays up late watching movies, and then what happens?

Skyler: We'll see.

Walter: No, I'll tell you what happens. They come home, to this house, to their parents who love them—

Skyler: No. I will not let our business endanger them.

Walter: How many times do I have to say that they are not in—

Skyler: I said no. I swear to God, I won't have them back here.

[Pause.]

Walter: What are you going to do to stop it?

Skyler: Whatever it takes. Everything in my power.

Walter: Like what? I mean specifically. What is your next move?

Skyler: My next move is, maybe I hurt myself. Make it clear we need more time. Let Hank and Marie see we're still struggling.

Walter: No, more like you're still struggling. So maybe next time, I have you committed, put you in some inpatient facility while I take care of the kids myself. Is that what you want?

Skyler: So then maybe I show up with bruises on my neck. Give myself a black eye. Say that you beat me when you found out about my lover.

Walter: I see. So you involve Ted. Ah, well, that'll be fun, bringing the police up to speed on all of that. But not as much as telling your sixteen-year-old son that his father is a wife-beater. Also not a very good plan. What else you got?

Skyler: I could send Junior away to school.

Walter: Oh. Now here's the conversation: "So honey, I know you've only got one year left in high school, but I would love it so much if you would drop everything, leave all your friends behind, and go to boarding school in Arizona." Do you have any other ideas? Because I'm not hearing a solution to your problem. How are you going to save our kids from this "terrible" environment?

Skyler: I...

Walter: What are you going to do? What, are you going to run off to France? Are you going to close the curtains, change the locks? This is a joke. Come on, Skyler! You want to take me on? You want to take away my children? What's the plan?

Skyler: I don't know! This is the best I could come up with, okay? I—I will count every minute that the kids are away from here—away from you—as a victory. But you're right. It's a bad plan. I don't have any of your magic, Walt. I don't know what to do. I'm a coward. I—I can't go to the police, I can't stop laundering your money, I can't keep you out of this house, I can't even keep you out of my bed. All I can do is wait. That's it, that's the only good option. Hold on. Bide my time. And wait.

Walter: Wait for what? What are you waiting for?

Skyler: For the cancer to come back.

Walter: [to Skyler] See this watch? It's a birthday present. The person who gave me this wanted me dead, too. Not that long ago, he pointed a gun right between my eyes right here and he threatened to kill me. He changed his mind about me, Skyler. And so will you.

Dead Freight [5.05][edit]

Mike: Alright, Lydia. My friends here don't know you like I do, so they are very kindly giving you one last chance. [pulls out a notepad] There's your script. Study it. In about 30 seconds, I'm gonna dial Agent Schrader on your line here. You're gonna pass along this information, then we'll see what we see. Now here are the rules: if you yell for help, try to give the man some kind of coded message or otherwise tip him off, I am gonna pull out my pistol and shoot you in the head. Same goes for panicking, breaking down into tears – remember how you like to do that – if it happens this time, I am going to pull my pistol out and I am going to shoot you in the head. [she looks at Walter and Jesse] Look at me, not at them. Lydia, look at me. [Lydia turns to Mike] If you make Schrader suspicious – in any way, any way at all – tell me what's gonna happen next.

Lydia: You'll pull out your gun and shoot me.

Mike: And where will I shoot you?

Lydia: In the head.

Mike: In the head, that's right. It's a pistol, not a gun. I'm expecting precision here. [turns to Jesse] We up and running?

Jesse: [nervously] Yeah, um...computer's set.

Mike: OK, Lydia, if you ever needed to give the performance of a lifetime, it's now. [sets the cell phone down] You're up.

Todd: You mind if I ask you a question?

Walter: No, go ahead.

Todd: Well, I get why we want the tank for the methylamine, but why this other one for the water?

Walter: Well, Jesse, it's your idea, you want to fill him in?

Jesse: It's all about the weight, yo.

Jesse: Boosting methylamine from a train is, like, a major rap. The point is, no one other than us can ever know that this robbery went down. Nobody. You got it?

Todd: Yeah. Absolutely.

Walter: Are you sure?

Todd: Yes, sir.

[Walter enters the house to find Skyler at the door of Walt Jr.'s bedroom.]

Skyler: Flynn? Flynn, open the door. Just come out and talk to me.

Walt Jr.: [through door] I'm staying. That's all I have to say.

Walter: What's going on?

Skyler: You got what you wanted, that's what. Congratulations.

[Skyler retreats to the living room while Walt goes to his son's door, knocking.]

Walter: It's me. Open up.

[Pause.]

Walter: Come on, Junior. I'm not going to ask twice.

[Walter Jr. opens the door.]

Walter Jr.: What?

Walter: You know what.

Walter Jr.: Are you seriously kicking me out of my own house? Are you seriously doing that?

Walter: We're not kicking you out of anywhere, son. We love you, and this is your house as much as it is ours. But your mom and I need some time alone, and you know that. We explained that to you.

Walter Jr.: You haven't explained jack shit! You want me out? Explain to me why! Why do I have to go to Uncle Hank's? Give me the exact reason, or I'm not going anywhere!

[Walter Jr. tries to close the door, but Walt keeps it open.]

Walter: This is not going to be a debate.

Walter Jr.: What's going on? Why can't anybody tell me anything? I want one good reason!

Walter: Because we're your parents and you are our child. That's reason enough. Now please, do as I ask. Now.

Skyler: I won't change my mind about you ever.

Walter: I don't accept that. You're my wife.

Skyler: I'm not your wife. I'm your hostage. But since you insist on keeping me imprisoned, I'll make you deal. I will launder your money. I'll keep your secrets. But the kids will stay at Hank and Marie's where they have a chance of being safe.

Walter: I think you've seen too many movies. [sighs] Our children are not in danger.

Skyler: Just a couple of days ago, you told me that a man held a gun to your head. You said it like it was a point of pride. There's nothing you can say that'll convince me there won't come a day that somebody will come knocking on that door looking to harm you or me or all of us. And when that day comes, the children cannot be here. You agree to that, and I will be whatever kind of partner you want me to be.

[Walter considers, then nods]

[NOTE: This dialogue is from a deleted scene.]

Walter: You know, if this goes right, you could say we'll be pulling off the biggest train robbery in history.

Jesse: What about Jesse James?

Walter: Please. His biggest train robbery was in 1873, three thousand dollars. Adjusted for inflation, that's just fifty-seven grand.

[Jesse looks at Todd disbelievingly.]

Walter: All right. I couldn't sleep last night, so I looked it up. Butch Cassidy and the Wild Bunch, 1899; Union Pacific heist; Wilcox, Wyoming; an even fifty grand – today, $1.3 million. That's not bad. 1924, the Newton Gang – $38 million. 1963, the Great Train Robbery; Buckinghamshire, England; two-point-three million pounds sterling – or $48 million. That was the biggest one I could find. We are stealing a thousand gallons of methylamine. One gallon of forty-percent aqueous methylamine solution will yield seven-point-four pounds of product. Times a thousand gallons, at forty thousand dollars per pound, comes to $296 million. In terms of potential equivalency, more than all the others combined.

Buyout [5.06][edit]

Todd: [to Jesse, about shooting the kid] Man, shit happens, huh?

[Jesse attacks Todd]

Walter: Have you heard of a company called Grey Matter? Well, I cofounded it in grad school with a couple of friends. Actually, I was the one who named it. And back then, it just, oh, small time. We had a couple of patents pending, but nothing Earth-shattering. Of course, we all knew the potential. Hell, we were gonna take the world by storm. And then, well, something happened between the three of us. I'm not going to go into detail, but for personal reasons I decided to leave the company. And I sold my share to my two partners. I took a buyout for $5,000. Now at the time, it was a lot of money for me. Care to guess what that company is worth now?

Jesse: Millions?

Walter: Billions. With a 'B.' 2.16 billion as of last Friday. I look it up every week. And I sold my share, my potential, for $5,000. I sold my kids' birthright for a few months' rent.

Jesse: This isn't the same thing.

Walter: Jesse, you asked me if I was in the meth business or the money business. Neither. I'm in the empire business.

Jesse: Is a meth empire really something to be that proud of?

Walter: [to Jesse] My wife is waiting for me to die. This business is all I have left. All I have. And you want to take it away from me.

Mike: Might as well get comfortable. This deal is going down tomorrow. It's happening and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Got it?

Walter: Uh huh. So it's OK for you to steal my...

Mike: [interrupting] To insure that, you and I are going to spend the rest of the night together in this office, like it's my birthday.

Walter: Mike!

Mike: When the deal is done, you'll get your money. I guarantee that.

Walter: Mike, let me cook it! I'll double your five and you still walk!

Mike: You know, I have never seen anybody work so hard not to get five million dollars.

Walter: Mike, you need to listen to me.

Mike: No. Walter, the last thing I need to do is listen to you. Now sit down.

Mike: [sees that the methylamine is gone] Where is he?

Jesse: Mike.

Mike: [shoving Jesse] Get out of my way. [draws a gun on Walter] You sit down.

Jesse: Mike, Mike, hold on! Mr. White's got an idea!

Mike: [holding the gun at Walter's temple] I am going to count to three.

Jesse: Mike, I'm serious!

Mike: 1...2...

Jesse: It's a great idea! Look, you get your $5 million, we both do, and he gets his methylamine. All right? Just hear him out!

Mike: [pause] Is that true, Walter?

Walter: Everybody wins.

Say My Name [5.07][edit]

Declan: Looks like you're about a thousand gallons light here, Mike. Where's the juice?

Walter: The methylamine isn't coming.

Declan: Why is that? Who the hell are you?

Walter: I'm the man who's keeping it.

Declan: [to Mike] What the hell's this? We had an agreement, right? We got our deal. So where's the tank, Mike?

Walter: Mike doesn't know where it is; only I do. And you're dealing with me now, not him.

Declan: Why don't you just cut to what it is you want or what you think is going to happen here, alright? Because we're going to get what we came for.

Walter: That thousand gallons of methylamine is worth more in my hands than it is in yours – or anyone else's even, for that matter. But I need distribution.

Declan: Distribution?

Walter: That's right. So if you agree to give up your cook and sell my product instead, I'll give you 35% of the take.

Declan: 35%. Wow, are you kidding me? Thirty-five? Mike, please tell me this is a joke. Do you know how far out we had to stick our necks out to get our hands on this cash? [To Walt.] And why the hell would we want you? You realize we have our own operation, right?

Walter: I know all about your operation. See, my partners here tell me that you produce a meth that's 70% pure, if you're lucky. What I produce, is 99.1% pure.

Declan: So?

Walter: So, it's grade-school T-ball versus the New York Yankees. Yours is just some tepid, off-brand, generic cola. What I'm making is Classic Coke.

Declan: Alright. Okay, so, um, if we just waste you – right here, right now, leave you in the desert – then there is no more Coke on the market, right? See how that works? There's only us.

Walter: Do you really want to live in a world without Coca-Cola?

[Declan laughs.]

[Walter throws a bag of blue meth at Declan's feet.]

Walter: My partner tells me that your crew switched to a P2P cook because of our success. You dye your meth with food coloring to make it look like mine. You already ape my product at every turn. But now, you have the opportunity to sell it yourself.

Declan: I need you to listen to me. We're not going to give up this deal to be your errand boys, do you understand? For what? To watch a bunch of junkies get a better high?

Walter: A better high means customers pay more. A higher purity means a greater yield. That's $130 million of profit that isn't being pissed away by some sub-standard cook. Now you listen to me. You've got the greatest meth cook in Am – no, the two greatest meth cooks in America – right here. And with our skills, you'll earn more from that 35% than you ever would on your own.

Declan: Yeah, so you say. Just wondering why we're so lucky. Why cut us in?

Walter: Mike is retiring from our crew. So his share of the partnership is available, if you can handle his end: distribution. And if you give him $5 million of the $15 million that you brought today. Just think of it as a finder's fee for bringing us together. We have 40 pounds of product ready to ship. Ready to go. Are you ready?

Declan: [Laughs.] Who the hell are you?

Walter: You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.

Declan: Do what? I don't–I don't have a damn clue who the hell you are.

Walter: Yeah you do. I'm the cook. I'm the man who killed Gus Fring.

Declan: Bullshit. Cartel got Fring.

Walter: You sure?

[Declan glances at Mike, who shakes his head.]

Walter: That's right. Now say my name.

Declan: ...You're Heisenberg.

Walter: You're goddamn right.

Jesse: Mr. White. Can we just take a second and talk about all this?

Walter: Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah.

Jesse: Um...

Walter: Uh, look, you know what I think we need to talk about? Doubling down.

Jesse: Doubling down?

Walter: Mm-hmm. Cooking 100 pounds a week, not 50. As in, starting a new lab – a lab that you'll run. A cook all of your own. Why not? You deserve it. You're every bit as good as me. Well, what do you think?

Jesse: Mr. White, uh, I think that nothing has changed for me. I just want to get my money and get out.

Walter: Jesse, this... what we do... being the best at something is a very rare thing. You don't just toss something like that away. And what? You want to squander that potential – your potential? Why? To do what?

Jesse: I don't know.

Walter: Think. To do what, Jesse?

Jesse: I don't know. I'll figure it out, alright?

Walter: Look at you. What have you got in your life? Nothing. Nobody. Oh wait, yes – video games and go-carts. Oh, and when you get tired of that, what then? Huh? And how soon will you start using again? Look, I know how upset you are about what happened to this boy. I am just as upset as you are.

Jesse: Are you? Really?

Walter: How can you say that to me? Jesus! I mean, I'm the one who's a father! What, am I gonna curl up in a ball in tears in front of you, or am I gonna lock myself in a room and get high to prove it to you? What happened to that boy was a tragedy and it tears me up inside. But because it happened, am I supposed to just lie down and die with him? It's done! It makes me sick that it happened, just like everyone else who has died in our wake. What Todd did... you and I have done things that are just as bad.

Jesse: Yeah.

Walter: All the people that we've killed – Gale... and the rest. If you believe that there's a Hell – I don't know if you're into that – but we're already pretty much going there. But I'm not gonna lie down until I get there.

Jesse: What, just because I don't want to cook meth any more, I'm lying down? How many more people are gonna die 'cause of us?

Walter: No one. None. Now that we're in control, no one else gets hurt.

Jesse: You keep saying that and it's bullshit every time! Always!

Mike: Hello, Walter.

Walter: Before I hand this over, I need something from you.

Mike: And what's that?

Walter: The names of your nine men.

Mike: [scoffs] Why? You're never gonna pay 'em off. What's the point?

Walter: The point is, Mike, it affects me. It affects Jesse too, and we deserve to know.

Mike: The only thing left to do now is leave town, you understand?

Walter: "Leave town." Wow. Yeah, I just can't up and leave like you, Mike. I've got a family. I got people who depend on me.

Mike: Yeah.

[Mike walks up to Walter and takes the satchel of money.]

Mike: Goodbye, Walter.

[Mike begins to walk away.]

Walter: You're welcome!

[Mike turns around and approaches Walter again]

Mike: I'm sorry, what?

Walter: I want those names, Mike. You owe me that much.

Mike: I don't owe you a damn thing. All of this – falling apart like this – is on you!

Walter: Wow. Wow. Oh, that's some kind of logic right there, Mike. You screw up, get yourself followed by the DEA and now suddenly this is all my fault? Why don't you walk me through this, Mike?

Mike: We had a good thing, you stupid son of a bitch! We had Fring, we had a lab, we had everything we needed, and it all ran like clockwork...

Walter Oh, my God...

Mike: ...You could have shut your mouth, cooked, and made as much money as you ever needed! It was perfect! But no! You just had to blow it up! You, and your pride and your ego! You just had to be the man! If you'd done your job, known your place, we'd all be fine right now!

Walter: I just...I just realized that Lydia has the names. I can get 'em from her. I'm sorry, Mike. This...this whole thing could have been avoided–

Mike: Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.

[Mike pauses, then falls off the log as he dies.]

Gliding Over All [5.08][edit]

Jesse: So what's the story? Did you get to Mike?

Walter: Mmm hmm.

Jesse: He get out safe?

Walter: He's gone.

Jesse: Alright. So what about those nine guys? They got no reason not to talk now. So what do we do?

Walter: We? Who's we? There is no we anymore. I'm the only vote left. And I'll handle it.

[Jesse walks out, then turns to look back. Walter shuts the garage door]

Walter: So?

Lydia: Maybe we should order something. Do you want a coffee or something?

Walter: Not just now.

Lydia: I think this will play better if you order something.

Walter: I think this will play just fine. I'm not thirsty. So let's take a look at the list.

[Pause.]

Walter: Lydia, I've come all this way. You do have the list?

Lydia: Yes, I have it.

Walter: Good.

Lydia: It's just not written down.

Walter: And why is that?

Lydia: It's in my head. Safer there.

Walter: I see. Then I suggest you pick up a pen.

Lydia: Not just yet.

Walter: It was my understanding that attending to these nine names was precisely what you wanted.

Lydia: Ten names now. Ten. Counting the lawyer.

Walter: Yes, ten, counting the lawyer. So...what? Am I not tying up loose ends for our mutual benefit?

Lydia: You are tying up loose ends, and I don't want to be one of them. Once I give you that list, I've served my purpose, and then maybe I'm just one more person who knows too much.

Walter: So you put that list in my hands, and in your mind, I immediately just murder you? Just right here, in this restaurant...

Lydia: No. Not right here, of course.

Walter: ...Right here in this public place, immediately?

Lydia: It's not what I—

Walter: Listen, Lydia. You made me promise on my children's lives that I guarantee your safety.

Lydia: From Mike. You guaranteed that I'd be safe from Mike. There's no way he'd ever go for this, you getting rid of his guys. You wouldn't be doing this — the names — if Mike were still a factor.

[Walter stares at Lydia knowingly]

Lydia: Yeah. That's what I thought.

Hank: Been thinking about this summer job I used to have.

Walter: Oh, yeah?

Hank: Back in college, I'd spend my days...marking trees in the woods with those orange spray cans.

Walter: Marking trees?

Hank: Yeah, crews would come in later and find the trees I tagged and cut 'em down. First you go in and you mark locations for your skid trails and landings. Then you choose specific trees all within a selected grid. Every day, I'd go back — hiking — pick up where I'd left off.

Walter: Huh...sounds nice, being out in the woods all day.

Hank: Ehhh, it wasn't so great. I'd get sunburned...there were mosquitoes. Just wanted to make a few bucks. Buy beer. I've been thinking about that job more and more lately. Maybe I should've enjoyed it more. Tagging trees is a lot better than chasing monsters.

[Inside a storage bin, Skyler uncovers a large, fairly neat pile of money]

Skyler: This is it. This is what you've been working for. I rented this place and I started bringing it here, because...I didn't know what else to do. I gave up counting it. I mean, I had to. It was just so much, so fast. I...I tried weighing it. I figured one bill of any denomination weighs a gram. There are 454 grams to a pound, but...there's a variety of denominations. So...

Walter: How much is this?

Skyler: I have no earthly idea. I truly don't. I just stack it up, keep it dry, spray it for silverfish. There is more money here than we could spend in ten lifetimes. I certainly can't launder it, not with 100 car washes. Walt...I want my kids back. I want my life back. Please tell me...how much is enough? How big does this pile have to be?

[Hank is sitting on the toilet, reading Walt's copy of "Leaves of Grass" by Walt Whitman, when he notices a handwritten message:

"To my other favorite W.W.

It's an honour working with you.

Fondly G.B."]

[Hank flashes back to a conversation in "Bullet Points"]

Hank: "To W.W. My star, my perfect silence." W.W. I mean, who do you figure that is, y'know? Woodrow Wilson? Willy Wonka? [beat] Walter White?

Walter: Heh. You got me.

[Hank looks up in shocked realization]

Blood Money [5.09][edit]

Walter: Hello, Carol.

Skinny Pete: What do you think all those sparkles and shit are? Transporters are breaking you apart right down to your molecules and bones. They're makin' a copy. That dude who comes out on the other side? He's not you. He's a color Xerox.

Badger: So you're telling me every time Kirk went into the transport he was killing himself? So over the whole series, there was, like, 147 Kirks?

Skinny Pete: At least. Dude, no, why do you think McCoy never liked to beam nowhere? 'Cause he's a doctor, bitch! Look it up, it's science!

Badger: Ever tell you about my Star Trek script?

Skinny Pete: Star Trek script?

Badger: Yeah! I gotta write it down is all. The Enterprise is five parsecs out of Rigel XII. Nothing's going on, Neutral Zone is quiet, the crew is bored, so they put on a pie-eating contest. The whole crew's in the galley. They're eating tulaberry pies–

Skinny Pete: Tulaberry?

Badger: Tulaberries. From Gamma Quadrant, yo.

Skinny Pete: That's Voyager, dude!

Badger: Okay, blueberries then, and they're eating blueberry pies...

Skinny Pete: Better.

Badger: ...as fast as the replicator can churn 'em out. [imitates replicator noise.] Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Finally, it's down to just three: Kirk, Spock, and Chekov. Okay, Spock always wins these things.

Skinny Pete: How is Spock gonna beat Kirk, yo? Spock's like a toothbrush! Look at Kirk! He's got room to spare!

Badger: Spock has total Vulcan control over his digestion! You wanna hear this or not?

Skinny Pete: Yeah, yeah, go.

Badger: Okay, finally – Kirk, he can't take it anymore. He yorks. Now it's just down to Chekov and Spock. But Chekov, y'see, he's got a whole fat stack of quatloos riding on this. And he has figured out a way to win. He's got Scotty back in the transporter room locked in on Chekov's stomach. Every time Chekov eats a pie, Scotty beams it right out of him.

Skinny Pete: Where is he sending them, the toilet?

Badger: Space.

Skinny Pete: Uugghh!

Badger: There's blueberries just floating out there frozen – because it's in space – and Chekov is just shoveling them into his mouth, and–and Spock is like, "I can't believe this Russian is defeating me!" Meanwhile, Scotty's in the transporter room fiddling with levers when Lieutenant Uhura comes in and she's got, like, her big pointies, and Scotty's fingers are all sweaty.

Skinny Pete: Ohh!

Badger: Chekov screams, he sprays blood out of his mouth...

Skinny Pete: Ohhhh!

Badger: ...Scotty beamed his guts into space!

Skinny Pete: No way!

Walter: Well, it's good to see you up and about.

Hank: Yeah.

Walter: How you feeling?

Hank: Well, you know. I've been better, but… I don't know.

Walter: Have you… Did you get to see a doctor? I mean, when one of these things last more than three days, you really should get that checked.

Hank: Yeah, no, I… I did and I'm fine. I'm, uh… I'm what they say on the upswing, you know?

Walter: Um. Good, good to hear.

Hank: Yeah.

Walter: When I heard you weren't going in to work, I… Well, looks like you have the work coming to you. Perks of being the boss, huh?

Hank: Yeah, you know. How's, uh… How's things at the car wash?

Walter: Good. Yeah, really good. Hey, did you have any of that potato salad?

Hank: I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, I mean.

Walter: No one else got sick, so you probably shouldn't worry about it. Well, Skyler will be very happy to hear that you're felling better. Which reminds me, I better get back to it. If there's anything I can do…

[Hank nods.]

Walter: Feel better.

[Walter pats Hank's back. Then Walter slowly walks out of the garage, stops and turns around.]

Walter: You know. You're going to laugh, but I have to ask you... about this.

[Walter holds up the GPS tracker to Hank's face.]

Walter: Believe it or not, I found this on my car. I mean, it looks just like the GPS tracker that we used on Gus Fring, doesn't it? Back when we were tracking him, just the two of us. You wouldn't know anything about this, would you, Hank?

[Hank closes the garage door.]

Walter: You okay? I gotta say, I don't like the way you're looking at me right now.

[After a beat, Hank punches Walt in the face and knocks him over a pile of boxes. He slams Walt against the garage door.]

Walter: Hank.

Hank: It was you. All along, it was you! You son of a bitch. You drove me into traffic to keep me from that laundry...

Walter: Calm down.

Hank: That call I got telling me Marie was in the hospital? That wasn't Pinkman. You had my cell number. You killed ten witnesses to save your sorry ass.

Walter: Listen to me.

Hank: You bombed a nursing home. Heisenberg. Heisenberg! You lying, two-faced sack of shit!

Walter: Hank, look... I don't–I don't know where this is coming from Hank, but–

Hank: I swear to Christ, I will put you under the jail.

Walter: Let's take a breath, okay? Just listen to yourself. These wild accusations, they could destroy our family! And for what?

Hank: Don't you give me shit about family!

[Beat.]

Walter: Hank, my cancer is back.

Hank: Good. Rot, you son of a bitch.

Walter: I'm sorry you feel that way. I wanna beat this thing. I do. I'm back on chemo, and I am fighting like hell. But the truth is in six months you won't have someone to prosecute. But even– even if somehow you were able to convince anyone I was capable of doing these things, you and I both know I would never see the inside of a jail cell. I'm a dying man who runs a car wash. My right hand to God, that is all that I am. What's the point?

Hank: Have Skyler bring the kids here, and then we'll talk.

Walter: That is not going to happen.

Hank: I don't know who you are. I don't even know who I'm talking to.

Walter: If that's true – if you don't know who I am – then maybe your best course would be to tread lightly.

Buried [5.10][edit]

[Hank meets with Skyler and tries to convince her to turn against Walt]

Hank: Skyler, my– my head is spinning. And yours... I–I can't even imagine. So much makes sense to me now. You jumping in the pool. You sending us your kids, I get it. I just wished I'd seen it sooner. He's a monster. He's a– Look, I don't know what he did to you to force you to keep his secrets. If he threatened you, or whatever mind games he played. I don't know if there was abuse. But I want you to know that you can be open with me. Don't hold anything back, okay? I mean, I don't even understand if you know the full extent of this, what he's done. Not just the meth cooking, but the lives he's destroyed. But look, that's all behind you. Starting now, you're done being his victim. Because here's what we're gonna do. Sky, here's what we're gonna do: you and the kids are gonna move back to our house where you'll be safe, where he can't get to you.

Skyler: Hank, does Marie...

Hank: No, no, we'll get to that soon enough. It's just you and me right now, okay?

Skyler: Okay.

Hank: Before we, um, before we get you back to the house, I...

[Hank takes out a recording device and turns it on.]

Hank: I'm gonna ask you to tell me everything you can. Um, take as long as you like. Just, um, start from the beginning when you first became aware of Walt's activities, and just– just try to be as detailed as you can.

Skyler: Um, what? Right–right here? Right now?

Hank: Sure, why not? While it's still fresh, you know? And just, um, just, um, remember to, um, just state your name and the date before you start.

Skyler: Hank, do... do we have to– have to do this right now?

Hank: No, we—we don't have to do this right now. No.

[Hank turns off the recording device.]

Hank: But just here's the thing. You see, I need something solid that I can bring to my people. A statement on the record. So you testifying to Walt's criminal activities – whatever you know – can go a long, long way here. Okay, I mean, you see, building a case this big, gathering all this evidence, enough to get a conviction– we're talking a long-haul proposition here. And I don't want that bastard running out the clock. But with your testimony—

Skyler: Wait, what do you mean "running out the clock?"

Hank: His cancer. His cancer's back. So he said. He didn't tell you? Who's to say it's even true? Lying piece of shit. Look, regardless, I mean, we'll just assume. Fine. Okay? You know what? That son of a bitch looks me in the eye and he says if what I know is true, if... he'll be dead before I can prove it. The balls on that son of a– I got all these little pieces. They're all part of the story, right? But they don't mean much on their own. But when you start telling me what you know, when you start filling the gaps, I'll have him in lockup before the sun goes down.

Skyler: Hank, I... I... I think maybe... maybe I need a lawyer.

Hank: What? No, no, no, no, you don't.

Skyler: I– I think maybe I do.

Hank: Skyler, understand, I am here to help you. But to do that, I need your help. We start bringing in lawyers and they start putting up roadblocks where they don't need to be, and my ability to control the situation diminishes.

Skyler: Just for my own protection. It just, you know, it seems to make sense that I should have someone to talk to.

Hank: Skyler, I am your– your biggest advocate here, and I'm telling you, for your own good, you need to get out ahead of this thing. I mean, you start – you know – getting defensive, I– I'm not saying it's right, but I'll tell you it's a fact. The D.A. will look at you differently.

Skyler: But you don't know that.

Hank: Skyler, yes, I–I do. I've been around long enough to know. It's in your best interest to get out there and show the world you have nothing to hide. Look, no one in the world is more important to me than your sister. So believe me when I tell you that your best interest and mine are the same.

Skyler: But Hank, you telling me not to talk to a lawyer doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds like what you want... what you want is to get Walt at all costs.

Hank: Okay. Okay. Let's just slow down. Slow down. You can. You can talk to a lawyer later. But right now, what we need to do, we need to go get the kids, we need to bring them to my house where they are safe. And then we need to help each other put this animal away, okay?

[Hank gets up from the table.]

Hank: Come on.

Skyler: Hank.

Hank: No, come on. Let's go to the house and we'll deal with it there. Come on.

Skyler: Am I under arrest?

Hank: What?

Skyler: Am I under arrest?

[Hank sits back down.]

Hank: Skyler. I–I– You're not thinking straight about this. You have to listen to me. I–Skyler...

[Skyler gets up from the table. Hank also gets up and grabs her arm.]

Hank: Skyler, Skyler, Skyler–

Skyler: Am I under arrest?

Hank: No. No. No.

Skyler: Am I under arrest?!

Hank: No. Sky– Shhh!

Skyler: Am I under arrest?! HANK, ARE YOU ARRESTING ME?

Hank: Sky–

Skyler: AM I UNDER ARREST?!

[Skyler violently shakes off Hank's grab and leaves the restaurant.]

[Walt's phone rings]

Walter: That's her.

Saul: Don't.

Walter: I have to talk to her.

Saul: You don't have to do– You answer that phone and Schrader's on the other end of the line with a legal wire tap recording everything you say, you're not doing anybody any favors, except for him. In fact, why do you still have a battery in that thing? Take it out. They might be trying to triangulate your movements. I'm not being paranoid. Do it.

Walter: Can't believe she went to him.

Saul: She just panicked.

Walter: She went right to him without even talking to me. Without a moment's hesitation.

Saul: I'm not saying it's not bad. It's bad. But it could be worse.

Walter: Really, how much worse could it be? Exactly, in your estimation?

Saul: What does she actually know? What has she seen, hmm? Nothing. It's hearsay. It's all he said, she said. I mean, the only real evidence that she can lead them to is the money, and once we take care of that, well, then they got nothing.

Walter: Nothing. Hank knows, that is not nothing.

Saul: Yeah. I can't exactly see him turning the other cheek.

[Pause]

Saul: Of course, there's always, um…

Walter: Always what?

Saul: Well, have you given any thought to, um, sending him to a trip to Belize?

Walter: Belize?

Saul: Yeah, Belize. You know, where, um, where Mike went to. Off on a trip to, um, Belize.

Walter: Saul, you better not be saying what I think you're saying.

Saul: It's just conjecture on my part.

Walter: Hank is family.

Saul: Okay, it's an option that my–

Walter: You understand that?

Saul: It's an option that has worked very well for you in the recent past.

Walter: Jesus, what is wrong with you?

Saul: My mistake. Family. Off limit. Of course. I'm just throwing thoughts out there. This is a safe room, right?

Walter: Jesus, send him to Belize. I'll send you to Belize.

Skyler: It's true. The cancer's back. Is this it?

Walter: Does that make you happy?

Skyler: I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Walter: Just tell me. I know you talked with Hank. I know you made a deal. Skyler, I'll make this easy. I'll give myself up if you promise me one thing: you keep the money. Never speak of it, never give it up. You pass it on to our children, give them everything. Will you do that? Please? Please, don't let me have done all this for nothing.

Skyler: The way Hank talks, he's got his suspicions. Not much else. You can't give yourself up without giving up the money. That's the way this works, Walt. So maybe our best move here is to stay quiet.

[Hank talks to Marie about his mixed feelings regarding going after Walt]

Hank: Look, the day I go in with this, it's the last day of my career, Marie. I'm going to have to walk in there, look those people in the eye and admit that the person I've been chasing the past year is my own brother-in-law. It's over for me. Ten seconds after I tell this story, I'm a civilian. Then how can we help Skyler when she comes to her senses? When I go in there, I'm bringing proof. Not suspicion. I can be the man who caught him, at least.

Confessions [5.11][edit]

Hank: Mr. Pinkman. How are you today? Not so good, huh? 'Course, uh, I might be able to help you out. I wanna talk to you about your partner, Heisenberg. See, I know he's my brother-in-law, Walt.

[Jesse looks at Hank, slightly surprised]

Hank: Oh, yeah. That's the look. Lucky for you, I'm more interested in him. So I got an offer. If you help me out here, tell me all about you and him and your little meth business, maybe I talk to my friends at the APD and make all this go away. I know he's the mastermind here. Plus... I'm thinking based on your recent activities that, uh... maybe there's a little trouble in paradise? Maybe you guys aren't, uh, getting along so good? I'm right, aren't I?

Jesse: Eat me.

Hank: Sure that's how you want to play this?

Jesse: Why don't you try and beat it out of me? That's your thing, right?

Hank: He really did a number on you, didn't he? I don't know, but... happy people usually don't go around... throwing millions of dollars away. I don't think, uh, Walt's gonna be patting you on the back for that. But maybe that's the point. 'Cause, you see, I get that. My own brother-in-law, lying to me for over a year, using me. Maybe you understand that feeling. Help me out here, Jesse... and we can put him away. I know you want that. I think you wanna talk.

Jesse: Not to you.

[Saul enters the interrogation room, followed by two detectives.]

Saul: Agent Schrader. Beat any good suspects lately? [to the two detectives] Hey, tall and taller, ask him his history with my client. He knocked the poor kid unconscious last time they were alone together. So what'll it be, gentlemen, a civil rights lawsuit the size of Montana? 'Cause I'll oblige you. [Hank starts to leave] Oh, so long, Rocky. Keep your left up. Detectives, I'm inviting you to leave.

[Hank and Marie watch Walter's "confession" tape at home]

Walter: My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. This is my confession. If you're watching this tape, I'm probably dead– murdered by my brother-in-law, Hank Schrader. Hank has been building a meth empire for over a year now, and using me as his chemist. Shortly after my 50th birthday, he asked that I use my chemistry knowledge to cook methamphetamine, which he would then sell using connections that he made through his career with the DEA. I was... astounded. I... I always thought Hank was a very moral man, and I was particularly vulnerable at the time – something he knew and took advantage of. I was reeling from a cancer diagnosis that was poised to bankrupt my family. Hank took me in on a ride-along and showed me just how much money even a small meth operation could make. And I was weak. I didn't want my family to go into financial ruin, so I agreed. Hank had a partner, a businessman named Gustavo Fring. Hank sold me into servitude to this man. And when I tried to quit, Fring threatened my family. I didn't know where to turn. Eventually, Hank and Fring had a falling-out. Things escalated. Fring was able to arrange – uh, I guess... I guess you call it a "hit" – on Hank, and failed, but Hank was seriously injured. And I wound up paying his medical bills, which amounted to a little over $177,000. Upon recovery, Hank was bent on revenge. Working with a man named Hector Salamanca, he plotted to kill Fring. The bomb that he used was built by me, and he gave me no option in it. I have often contemplated suicide, but I'm a coward. I wanted to go to the police, but I was frightened. Hank had risen to become the head of the Albuquerque DEA. To keep me in line, he took my children. For three months, he kept them. My wife had no idea of my criminal activities, and was horrified to learn what I had done. I was in hell. I hated myself for what I had brought upon my family. Recently, I tried once again to quit, and in response, he gave me this. [Walt points to the bruise on his face left by Hank in "Blood Money."] I can't take this anymore. I live in fear every day that Hank will kill me, or worse, hurt my family. All I could think to do was to make this video and hope that the world will finally see this man for what he really is.

[After watching the "confession" tape]

Marie: Who do you think he's shown this to?

Hank: No one. It's a threat. It's what he will do if I don't back off.

Marie: I think you should show this to Ramey. Just get ahead of it. That video is a bunch of lies, Hank. Anybody who knows you will know–

Hank: $177,000? Hell's he talking about? Marie?

Marie: They told me it was gambling money.

Hank: What was gambling money? Oh, Jesus Christ, Marie. Oh, God, no.

Marie: How was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know where it really came from?

Hank: Why were they paying for my medical bills? What about my insurance?

Marie: Insurance wouldn't have covered the treatment that you needed, and I... I just wanted the best for you–

Hank: Why didn't you tell me?

Marie: Because I knew that you would refuse it, and without it, you may never have been able to walk again.

Hank: Oh, Christ, Marie. You killed me here. I mean, it's the– that's the last nail. That's the last nail in the coffin.

Marie: What do we do?

Walter: Saul knows a man. He specializes in getting people new identities. He would move you someplace far away, set you up with a whole new life. Yeah, I know. It sounds a little extreme. But maybe it's exactly what you need. You know, I really think that would be good for you. Clean slate. My, just think about it. You get a job. Something legitimate, something you like. Meet a girl, start a family even. Hell, you're still so damn young. You know, what's here for you now, anyway? I tell you, if I could, I'd trade places. Whole lifetime ahead of you, with a chance to hit the reset button. In a few years, this might all feel like nothing more than a bad dream.

[beat]

Jesse: Would you just, for once, stop working me?

Walter: What are you talking about?

Jesse: Can you just, uh, stop working me for, like, ten seconds straight? Stop jerking me around?

Walter: Jesse, I am not working you.

Jesse: Yes. Yes, you are. All right? Just drop the whole concerned dad thing and tell me the truth. I mean, you're– you're acting like me leaving town is– is all about me and turning over a new leaf, but it's really– it's really about you. I mean, you need me gone, 'cause your dickhead brother-in-law is never gonna let up. Just say so. Just ask me for a favor. Just tell me you don't give a shit about me, and it's either this– it's either this or you'll kill me the same way you killed Mike. I mean, isn't that what this is all about? Huh? Us meeting way the hell out here? In case I say no? Come on. Just tell me you need this.

[Walter slowly walks up to Jesse and hugs him.]

[Jesse breaks into Saul's office]

Saul: He a no-show? Why didn't you call? Why didn't you... [Jesse punches Saul in the face] Stop! [Jesse keeps hitting him] Code Red! Huell! Get in here! [Saul tries to reach for a gun hidden in a drawer, but Jesse grabs it first]

[Huell and Francesca enter the room, Jesse points the gun at them]

Jesse: Back off! You, stay where you are.

Saul: [at gun point] What? I don't know what happened here. What did I do?

Jesse: You stole it off of me. You and him– you took it right out of my pocket, didn't you?

Saul: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down. Yes. Okay. I had Huell lift your dope. I told you I couldn't risk the guy not taking you.

Jesse: No! Before! The cigarette! You stole the cigarette.

Saul: What?

Jesse: The ricin cigarette! You had him steal it off of me! And all for that asshole Mr. White! He poisoned Brock! He poisoned Brock, and you– you helped him!

Saul: Okay, Jesse. Calm down.

Jesse: Say it again! Tell me one more time to calm down! Come on!

Saul: I'm sorry. Yes. Okay. I had Huell lift your cigarette, but Walt made me! He told me he was helping you, he was saving you. I never would've agreed to it if I'd known what he was gonna do. Jesse, you gotta believe me. I didn't want any of this!

Rabid Dog [5.12][edit]

Skyler: So… What's your course of action, here?

Walter: Saul's guy, Kuby, tracks him down, which shouldn't take long, and when he does, I'm gonna… I'm gonna talk to him. Make him see reason.

Skyler: "Talk to him. Make him see reason." So, I'm clear, those are just euphemisms… you're using here, right?

Walter: No, what? Wh-what does that mean? My God.

...

Walter: I– I don't know how we got off on whatever it is we're talking about here. But clearly, I haven't explained the situation well enough, because this is a big overreaction. We all need to just take a deep breath and calm down, because Jesse isn't just some– some– some rabid dog. This is a person.

Skyler: A person that is a threat to us. I mean, my God, where we are now with Hank and Marie and that awful tape we made. After everything we've done, you can't just talk to this person.

Walter: You're s-saying that I just... What– what exactly are you saying?

Skyler: We've come this far. For us. What's one more?

[An enraged Jesse has broken into and is about to burn down the White residence. Hank bursts in, gun drawn.]

Hank: Jesse! Stop what you're doing and turn and face me!

Jesse: [sobbing] You wanna – you wanna know what he did? You wanna hear about it?

Hank: Jesse, put out the lighter.

Jesse: He poisoned a little kid. An eight-year-old boy. Just because, you know– just as a move!

Hank: Walt's a bastard. Secret's out. We'll talk about it. But I need you to put out the lighter, okay? Look, Jesse... Jesse, I don't want to kill you. And you don't wanna be killed. So put it out.

Jesse: He can't keep getting away with this! He can't keep getting away with this!

Hank: He won't. You really wanna burn him down? Let's do it together.

Marie: [seeing her suitcases by the door] What's the story here?

Hank: Oh, uh, something's come up. I thought you might wanna get out of the house for a day or two.

Marie: You thought I might wanna pack up and move out of my own house. Why? What's going on?

Hank: Look, I don't wanna get into it now. But you know that thing with Walt? There's been a development.

Marie: What happened? Are you in danger?

Hank: No, no, no, no, not at all. [Picks up suitcases] It's just a fluid situation, and I think it might go a little smoother if you're not here. It'll be great, you know? I booked you a spa package at La Posada. You can do that river stones thing.

Marie: Hank, what the hell is going on? Hank?

Hank: We have a guest.

[Hank opens the door, showing Marie a sleeping Jesse]

Hank: He was a little keyed-up. Gave him a couple sleeping pills. [He shuts the door] Okay, so listen. I bring that kid in and put him in the system, Walt's gonna find out five minutes later. You know, my last ten witnesses died in jail, remember? And I can't use a DEA safehouse without writing him up. I can't risk a motel. I know it sounds crazy, but this is the best place for him. For now. Just a day or two, tops.

Marie: Okay, just answer me this one question: is this bad for Walt?

Hank: Yeah. Very.

Marie: Good. I'm staying. I'll heat up lasagna. [hears ringtone] Phone's ringing.

Jesse: Look– look, you two guys are just… guys, okay? Mr. White... he's the devil. You know, he is– he is smarter than you, he is luckier than you. Whatever– Whatever you think is supposed to happen– I'm telling you, the exact reverse opposite of that is gonna happen, okay?

Walter: [answering the phone] Hello?

Jesse: Nice try, asshole.

Walter: Jesse, where are you? I just wanna talk to you.

Jesse: No. I'm not doing what you want anymore. Okay, asshole? This is just a heads-up to let you know I'm coming for you. See, I decided that burning down your house is nothing. Next time, I'm gonna get you where you really live.

To'hajiilee [5.13][edit]

Walter: One cook... after the job is done.

[Walt sees a photo showing a barrel with stacks of cash in it. His phone rings and he answers.]

Walter: Jesse?

Jesse: Got my photo, bitch? That barrel look familiar? 'Cause I just found six more exactly like it.

Walter: [running out of the car wash] Jesse…

[Camera pans to Walt driving erratically on the street.]

Jesse: That big bastard who works for Goodman– I pistol-whipped that melon he calls a head till he gives up what he knew, which led me to your rental van, which turns out had GPS. How do you like that, genius? Guess you didn't think of everything.

Walter: Look, Jesse, I don't know what you plan on doing here, but–

Jesse: Well, I'll give you a hint, Walt. It involves a couple of five-gallon cans of gasoline and a lighter.

Walter: No, no, no, no, no! Jesse, please, listen to me–

Jesse: No, you listen to me, bitch! You get your ass out here as fast as you can.

Walter: Yes, I'm coming! Okay? Okay!

Jesse: And don't even think about calling anyone for help, all right? You hang up on me, put me on hold, I lost my call for any reason – as soon as you do, I'm burning all of it. All right? One big bonfire. You get the picture?

Walter: I get it, I get it! Okay!

Jesse: All right. Well, you better hurry, 'cause I'm burning ten grand a minute till you get here, starting right now.

Walter: I said I'm coming! Don't you touch my money!

Jesse: Fire in the hole, bitch! There goes ten G's! Ahhh, nice orange flames!

Walter: No. No, no, no, no, NO! Jesse– Jesse, please. I'm dying. My cancer is back. You're not hurting anyone but my family. Okay? Look, I– I can't spend this money. It's not for me. I won't be around long enough to use it. It belongs to my children.

Jesse: Oh, you're gonna talk about kids. You're seriously gonna go there?

Walter: I am sorry about Brock.

Jesse: No, you're not!

Walter: I am!

Jesse: You're not, but you're gonna be!

Walter: Yes, I am sorry about Brock! But he's alive, isn't he?! He's fine, just as I planned it! Don't you think I knew exactly how much to give him? That I had it all measured out?! Come on! Don't you know me by now?

Jesse: I know you're a lying, evil scumbag, that's what I know. Manipulating people. Messing with their heads.

Walter: Open your eyes! Can't you see that I needed you on my side to kill Gus?! I ran over those gangbangers! I killed Emilio and Krazy-8! Why? I did all of those things to try to save your life as much as mine, only you're too stupid to know it!

Hank: [after handcuffing Walt] Agent Gomez, should we flip a coin for the honors?

Steven: No way, man. It's all yours.

Hank: Walter White, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you at the government's expense. Do you understand these rights as I have just recited them to you?

Walter: [to Jesse] Coward.

[Jesse spits on Walt's face.]

Hank: [over the phone] Hey, baby. I got him. Dead to rights.

Marie: You got Walt?

Hank: Yeah. I got him in handcuffs as we speak. Want me to wave to him for you? [waves at Walt, handcuffed in the car] Huh? Well, he's not, uh– he's not feeling too friendly.

Marie: Oh, my God. You did it. Thank God.

Hank: Things are gonna be a little rough for the next couple weeks, but they'll get better. Baby, you okay?

Marie: I'm much better now.

Hank: I gotta go. It may be awhile before I get home. I love you.

Marie: I love you too.

Ozymandias [5.14][edit]

[Jack points the gun at Hank and prepares to shoot him.]

Walter: No! Jack! No! Jack! Jack! Jack! No! No! Don't! Jack! Don't! No!

[Jack signals Kenny to bring Walter out of the SUV.]

Walter: No! Jack! Jack! No! [walks toward Jack] Jack! No! Don't kill him.

Kenny: Uh-uh, back it up.

Walter: [walks toward Jack] Don't kill him. Don't kill him. Jack.

Kenny: [pushes Walter away from Jack] Get back here.

Jack: The hell not? He's DEA.

Walter: No. He's– He's family.

Jack: Say again?

Walter: He's my family. He's my brother-in-law.

Jack: Didn't cross your mind to maybe tell us you had a DEA agent for a brother-in-law? [to Todd] Did you know about this?

Walter: I called you off, remember? I told you not to come.

Jack: Well, it seems to me we did you a solid.

Walter: You weren't supposed to be here.

Jack: Too late now. How about you telling me what was going down out here? Hmm? Yeah, you and your brother-in-law don't seem to be getting along too well.

Walter: It doesn't– doesn't matter. It doesn't concern you.

Jack: We just wasted his partner here and he's wearing a bullet, so yeah, I'd say it does concern me.

Walter: This is... between him and me.

Jack: No cavalry comin'?

Walter: No.

Hank: You bet your ass the cavalry's comin'.

Walter: [to Jack] No! No, no. Jack, Jack! No. The DEA doesn't know about this. Not yet. [to Hank] Hank, nothing can change what just happened, but you can walk out of here alive if you just promise us that you'll– you'll let this go.

[Hank scoffs.]

Jack: Yeah, I thought as much. Sorry, man, just no scenario where this guy lives.

Walter: No, no, no, listen! I have money! It's buried right here. It's here. It's $80 million. $80 million.

Jack: So, that's what got this party started, huh? But this money of yours won't do me much good in prison.

Walter: You can– you can go anywhere. You can do anything. Just think about that. You can have any future that you want. Jack. Eighty. Million. All you've got to do is let him go.

Kenny: That's a hell of an offer.

Jack: [to Hank] What do you think, Fed? Would you take that deal?

Walter: It's Hank. His name is Hank.

Jack: How about it, Hank? Should I let you go?

Hank: My name is ASAC Schrader. And you can go fuck yourself.

Walter: Hank... listen to me. You gotta tell him. You gotta tell him now that we can work this out. Please. Please.

Hank: What? You want me to beg? You're the smartest guy I ever met. And you're too stupid to see... he made up his mind ten minutes ago. [to Jack] Do what you're gonna do–

[Jack shoots Hank.]

Jack: Jesus, what's with all the greed here? It's unattractive.

Walter: [to Jesse] I watched Jane die. I was there. And I watched her die. I watched her overdose and choke to death. I could have saved her. But I didn't.

Walter Jr.: You're completely out of your mind.

Skyler: It's the truth.

Marie: It is. Flynn.

Walter Jr.: Then both of you are out of your minds. You're full of shit, is what you are. Both of you. If– if this is true, then how could you keep this a secret? I mean, why? Why would you go along?

Skyler: I'll be asking myself that for the rest of my life.

Walter Jr.: So you're saying all of this time you were lying about this? I mean, so you're saying… you're a liar. You… you just admitted it. So were you lying then, or are you lying now? Which lie is it?

Marie: Flynn, honey, your mother is telling you the truth. Right here, right now. Believe it.

Walter Jr.: You know what? This– this is bullshit. This is bullshit. [stands up to try to get his phone] I wanna talk to dad.

Marie: Your dad's in custody. You won't be able to talk to him for a while, sweetie.

Walter Jr.: I am calling uncle Hank.

Marie: I've tried. He's not answering. Probably because he is in the thick of it with your father. Honey, I know this is a lot to process, Flynn, but if you could just breathe. Just try to breathe and just trust–

Walter Jr.: Really? Really? Try to breathe?

[Walter Jr. barges out of the office]

Skyler: Walt. Why are you here?

Walter: Skyler, please, will you just go get your things? For you and your kids. Right now. This is our priority.

Skyler: Hank had you in custody. He wouldn't just let you go. Where is he?

Walter: I–

Skyler: Where is Hank?

Walter: I… I negotiated…

Skyler: Negotiated?

Walter: Um, yes.

Skyler: What does that mean?

Walter: It means… we are fine, okay? We are. We're fine. Everything is gonna be fine. But we need to leave right now. All right? Can we do that?

Skyler: What happened? Where is Hank? Why do we need to leave?

Walter: I need both of you to trust me. Right now, okay? Please just work with me here, and I promise I will explain everything later, okay?

Skyler: Where… is… Hank?

Walter: Skyler. [walking toward her] I have $11 million in cash right outside. We can have a fresh start. Whole new lives. All we have to do is go. We have to go right now. That's all we have to do.

Skyler: You killed him. You killed Hank.

Walter Jr.: What?

Walter: No. No. No.

Skyler: You killed him.

Walter: No. No! NO! I tried to save him.

Walter Jr.: Uncle Hank is dead? I– Mom, it can't be true.

Walter: Just stop, please.

Walter Jr.: It just can't be true.

Walter: Everything- everything is gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be fine. I promise you. But we need to leave right now.

Skyler: [answering the phone] Walt. Where's Holly?

Walter: Are you alone? No police?

Skyler: No. No police. Where are you? Where's Holly? Walt!

Walter: What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you do one thing I say?

Skyler: What?

Walter: This is your fault. This is what comes of your disrespect. I told you, Skyler. I warned you for a solid year. You cross me, there will be consequences. What part of that didn't you understand?

Skyler: You took my child.

Walter: 'Cause you need to learn.

Skyler: You bring her back!

Walter: Maybe now you'll listen. Maybe now you'll use your damn head. You know, you never believed in me. You were never grateful for anything I did for this family. [imitates Skyler's voice] "Oh, no. Walt. Walt, you have to stop. You have to stop this. It's immoral. It's illegal. Someone might get hurt." You're always whining and complaining about how I make my money, just dragging me down. While I do everything. And now– now you tell my son what I do after I've told you and told you to keep your damn mouth shut. You stupid bitch. How dare you?

Skyler: [realising what he is doing] I'm sorry.

Walter: You, you have no right to discuss anything about what I do. Oh, what– what the hell do you know about it anyway? Nothing. I built this. Me. Me alone. Nobody else!

Skyler: You're right. You're right.

Walter: You mark my words, Skyler. Toe the line, or you will wind up just like Hank.

Skyler: Walt. Tell me what happened. Where is Hank? Please. We need to know.

Walter: You're never gonna see Hank again.

[Marie, who is listening, starts crying uncontrollably.]

Walter: He crossed me. You think about that. Family or no. You let that sink in.

[Walt also cries, silently.]

Skyler: Walt. I just want Holly back. Please, Walt. Just come home.

Walter: [long pause, as he stifles a sob] I've still got things left to do.

Granite State [5.15][edit]

[NOTE: This episode is 55 minutes long]

[After watching Jesse implicate Todd for killing a kid on tape, Jack and Todd walk out of the house.]

Todd: Wait, Uncle Jack, hold up. I think we should keep him for a while, get a couple of cooks under our belt.

Jack: You seriously giving me this turn-the-other-cheek crap? He ratted you out. Personally.

Todd: We still got 600 gallons of methylamine.

Jack: Meth? Who gives a shit about meth? We won the lottery here. We've got all the money in the world. You're talking to me about selling crank?

Todd: I mean, this is millions, Uncle Jack. No matter how much you got, how do you turn your back on more?

[Jack stares at Todd knowingly.]

Jack: You little...son of a bitch. It's that Lydia woman. [putting his arm on Todd's shoulder] You're sweet on her, you little bastard. [to Kenny] Hey, Kenny. You believe this?

Kenny: [makes a sexual hand gesture] Hey, it's all about this right here, huh?

[Jack lets go of Todd as his crew laugh.]

Jack: Come on. You can do better. I mean, that one's so uptight, she's probably got a wood chipper for a coochie. You stick it in down there, you're pulling back a stump. Ah, what the hell. Heart wants what the heart wants, right? Let's go back and watch some more of that crybaby rat, huh?

[Jack and Todd walk back toward the house.]

[Walter and Saul are in the basement of Ed's vacuum repair shop.]

Walter: ...What?

Saul: Nothing.

Walter: You know what, make yourself useful. Give me a list of hitters, mercenaries. Yes, yes, I remember – you've got "concerns." Don't worry, we'll take the time to vet them. Make sure there are no undercover cops on the team. Five should do it, providing they're the right men for the job.

Saul: I'm gonna hate myself for asking, but who are we hitting?

Walter: Jack Welker and his men. They murdered Hank. They stole my life's work.

Saul: I don't know any hitmen.

Walter: You know a guy who knows a guy– Just give me the contacts. Anybody in that world. I'm paying top dollar. We'll find them.

Saul: You mind if I give you a nickel's worth of advice, just for old times' sake? You're worried about your wife and kids? Don't leave. The way things are right now, some people – not me, mind you, but some people – might say you're leaving her high and dry.

Walter: "Some people" would be ignorant on the facts. "Some people" wouldn't know that as far as the police are concerned, Skyler is a blameless victim.

[Saul scoffs and waves off Walter.]

Walter: No no no, go ahead. Get it off your chest. Go on.

Saul: The phone call was a smart move. Kudos to you. Odds are it was recorded. It's gonna play great for a jury. It might even buy her a mistrial – in a year and a half. Until then, if they don't have you, they're going after her.

Walter: There's no point. She knows nothing.

Saul: Well too bad for her, then she's got nothing to trade. I hate to be a downer here, but there are two DEA agents missing, presumed dead. You think the Feds are gonna just let that go 'cause you hit the ejector seat? First thing they're gonna do, they will RICO your wife and kids out of the house. That condo is gone. Your bank accounts, they're frozen. Her picture's probably on TV right now, next to yours. Who's gonna hire her?

Walter: Money's no problem.

Saul: Well, I don't mean to contradict you, but getting it to her? Impossible. The Feds are just praying that you'll make contact. The Internet, the phone, it's all tapped. Hey, Mike was no dummy. But every time he tried to get his nest egg to his granddaughter, it ended up in Uncle Sam's pockets.

Walter: So you propose what?

Saul: Stay. Face the music. Hey, I mean, how much time have you got left? You walk in with your head held high, you'll be the John Dillinger of Metropolitan Detention Center...

Walter: No, no, no...

Saul: ...How bad is that? And you bring a barrel full of drug money, maybe that soothes some troubled waters. Maybe they let your family stay in the house. After all, the house predates the criminal enterprise–

Walter: God, do you think I want to run?! That's the last thing that I want! This... this changes nothing. What I do I do for my family. My money goes to my children! Not just this barrel – all of it! I'm going to kill Jack and his entire crew, and I'm going to take back what is mine and give it to my children, and then – and only then – am I through! Do you understand?

[Ed enters the room.]

Ed: Everything good?

Saul: Define "good."

Ed: You're set. Time to go. [To Walter.] You'll be a little longer. Still working on transportation.

Walter: Change of plans. He's coming with me.

Saul: No. No, that's–

Walter: We're going together. I can use him.

[Pause.]

Ed: I'll give you two a minute.

[Ed exits.]

Saul: Hey, I'm a civilian. I'm not your lawyer anymore. I'm nobody's lawyer. The fun's over. From here on out, I'm Mr. Low Profile, just another douchebag with a job and three pairs of Dockers. If I'm lucky, a month from now – best case scenario – I'm managing a Cinnabon in Omaha.

Walter: You're still a part of this, whether you like it or not.

Saul: I'm sorry. I don't think so.

[Walter menacingly approaches Saul and backs him to a wall.]

Walter: You remember what I told you? It's not over until–

[Walter breaks into a bad coughing fit.]

Saul: It's over.

[Saul exits.]

Todd: [to Andrea] Just so you know, this isn't personal.

[Todd shoots Andrea in the back of the head]

[Walt, hiding in New Hampshire, manages to telephone his son at school.]

Walter: Son, it's me. Please don't let on. Carmen's nearby, right? She cannot know. Son, are you there?

Walter Jr.: Y–yes.

Walter: It's so good to hear your voice. I– I… I, uh… Son, the things that they're saying… about me… I did wrong. I– I've made some terrible mistakes. But the reason were always… Things happened that… I– I never… intended. I never intended. Listen. Son, we don't have much time. Is Louis' family still at 4848 Newcombe? Son, your friend Louis Corbett, does his family still live in that same place up on Newcombe?

Walter Jr.: Y–yes.

Walter: Okay, good. Okay, he's– he's a good kid. He's– he's like you. He'll understand. I'm sending Louis a package. Now, it's addressed to Louis, but it's for you, your mother and your sister. There's– there's money inside. About $100,000. Okay? I think. It was all that I could fit into the box. It has to be a secret. And if anyone says a word, the police will take it. I wanted to give you so much more. But this is all I could do. Do you understand? Son? Can you hear me? Do you understand?

[Pause.]

Walter Jr.: You want to send money?

Walter: Yes. Good. Good, good. So, you'll– you'll talk to Louis, right?

Walter Jr.: You killed Uncle Hank. You killed him!

Walter: Wait. Wait, son.

Walter Jr.: No. What you did to mom– You asshole. You killed Uncle Hank.

Walter: Listen to me. You've got to listen to me.

Walter Jr.: Shut up. Just stop it. Sto–stop it. I don't want anything from you. I don't give a shit.

Walter: You need this money. Your mother–

Walter Jr.: You killed Uncle Hank. You killed him!

Walter: Your mother needs this money. It can't all be for nothing.

Walter Jr.: What you did– Just shut up.

Walter: Please.

Walter Jr.: Shut up.

Walter: Please.

Walter Jr.: Will you just– just leave us alone? You asshole. Why are you still alive? Why don't you just– just die already? Just– just die.

[Walter Jr. hangs up.]

Receptionist: DEA, Albuquerque district office. How may I direct your call?

Walter: I... I would like to speak to the agent in charge of the Walter White investigation.

Receptionist: Who may I say is calling?

Walter: ...Walter White.

Charlie Rose: [on television as Walter watches] But just yesterday, your charity, the Gretchen & Elliott Schwartz Foundation, announced a $28 million grant for drug abuse treatment centers throughout the Southwest.

Elliott: Charlie, the Southwest is our home, and we couldn't just ignore what's going on in our own backyard.

Charlie: But I'm sure you're aware that there are people who suggest other motives. Andrew Ross Sorkin of The New York Times wrote a column suggesting that the grant was a kind of publicity maneuver to shore up the stock price of Gray Matter Technologies because of your association with Walter White.

Elliott: Well, that's not exactly the way...

Charlie: To cleanse yourself, so to speak, of having a methamphetamine kingpin as co-founder of your company.

Elliott: Charlie, I'm glad you brought that up. I have to believe that the investing public understands we're talking about a person who was there early on, but who had virtually nothing to do with the creation of the company, and still less to do with growing it into what it is today.

Charlie: So what was Walter White's contribution?

Elliott: You know, to be honest... Honey?

Gretchen: The company name.

Elliott: The company name. We came up with it by combining our names. Schwartz means black, black plus white makes gray.

Charlie: Hence, Gray Matter Technologies.

Elliott: Exactly. As far as I can recall, his contribution begins and ends right there.

Charlie: There are continuing reports of blue methamphetamine, considered his signature product throughout the Southwest, and some evidence of reaching as far as Europe. So my question is: is Walter White still out there?

Gretchen: No, he's not.

Charlie: You sound very sure.

Gretchen: I am. I can't speak for this Heisenberg that people refer to, but whatever... whatever he became, the sweet, kind, brilliant man that we once knew, long ago, he's gone.

Felina [5.16][edit]

[NOTE: This episode is 55 minutes long]

Walter: [to Elliott, who is threatening him with a fruit knife] Elliott, if we're gonna go that way, you'll need a bigger knife.

Walter: Keep stacking. It'll all fit.

[Elliott and Gretchen pile Walter's money on a table. Gretchen drops several stacks.]

Walter: That's all right. Just– Just throw it on top. Gretchen, would you mind? We don't want to lose any under the furniture. [Gretchen picks up the dropped stacks.] All right. That is $9,720,000.

Gretchen: Where did it come from? And why is it here?

Walter: I earned it. And you're going to give it to my children.

Gretchen: What? Why?

Elliott: Walt, I don't think we–

Walter: On my son's 18th birthday, which is 10 months and 2 days from today, you will give him this money in the form of an irrevocable trust. You will tell him it is his to do with as he sees fit, but with the hope that he uses it for his college education and for the betterment of his family.

Elliott: Walt, I'm not sure that we follow. Why, um, I mean, why, in particular, would we–

Gretchen: If you wanna give your kids drug money, go do it yourself.

Walter: I can't. My wife and son hate me. They won't take my money. Even if they did, the federal government wouldn't let them. But two rich benefactors, who are known for their charitable endeavors, who would think nothing of, for instance, writing a $28 million check to help victims of methamphetamine abuse. I have to think that your money would be very welcome.

Gretchen: It wouldn't make any sense coming from us.

Walter: It certainly would. My children are blameless victims of their monstrous father, a man who you once knew quite well. Call it a beau geste. Call it liberal guilt. Call it whatever you want, but do it. And you are not to spend a single dime of your own money. If there are taxes or lawyers' fees owed, you will take it right from here. They use my money, never yours.

Elliott: Okay, Walt, sure. That– that sounds reasonable. So what happens next?

Walter: I guess we shake on it. And I leave.

[Walter shakes hand with Elliott and Gretchen. He walks up to them.]

Walter: I can trust you to do this.

Elliott: Yes. Absolutely you can.

[Walter turns to the window and signals someone to point red laser at Elliott and Gretchen. They shake and scream.]

Walter: Don't move, Don't… Don't dare move a muscle. You don't want them to think that you're trying to get away. Just breathe. Just this afternoon, I had an extra $200,000 that I would have loved dearly to leave on top of this table. Instead, I gave it to the two best hitmen west of the Mississippi. Now, whatever happens to me tomorrow, they'll still be out there keeping tabs. And if, for any reason, that my children do not get this money, a kind of… countdown will begin. Maybe a day or so later, maybe a week, a year, when you're going for a walk in Santa Fe or Manhattan or Prague, wherever. And you're… talking about your stock prices… without a worry in the world, and then suddenly, you'll hear the scrape of a footstep behind you, and before you can even turn around, pop!

[Elliott and Gretchen scream.]

Walter: Darkness. [putting his arms around Elliott and Gretchen] Cheer up, beautiful people. This is where you get to make it right.

[Walter signals someone to stop pointing the red laser at Elliott and Gretchen, then leaves.]

[Badger and Skinny Pete return to Walter's car after posing as fake hitmen]

Badger: You know, I don't exactly know how to feel about all this.

Skinny Pete: For real, yo; the whole thing felt kinda shady, you know, like, morality-wise.

Badger: Totally.

[Walter hands them a couple of bundles of money]

Walter: How do you feel now?

[Badger and Skinny Pete take the money]

Skinny Pete: Better.

Badger: Yeah, definitely improving.

Skyler: We don't want your money, Walt. I thought Flynn made that clear.

Walter: He did. And I don't have any to give you. I spent the last of it getting here. All I have to give you is this. [takes out a lottery ticket and hands it to Skyler] Call the DEA once I leave. Tell them I was here. That I forced my way in. Tell them... Tell them I wanted bacon and eggs on my birthday. And that I gave you that ticket. Those numbers are GPS coordinates.

Skyler: For what?

Walter: A burial site. That's where they will find Hank and Steve Gomez. [Skyler weeps] That's where I buried our money. The men who stole it from us. The men who still have it. They murdered Hank and Steve and put them in that hole. Now you trade that for a deal with the prosecutor. Get yourself out of this. Skyler. Skyler. All the things that I did, you need to understand–

Skyler: If I have to hear, one more time, that you did this for the family–

Walter: I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And... I was... really... I was alive.

[Lydia calls Todd, who is lying dead. Walt picks up the phone.]

Walter: Hello?

Lydia: Is it done? Is he gone?

Walter: Yeah, it's done. He's gone. They're all gone.

Lydia: Todd? Who is this?

Walter: It's Walt. How are you feeling? Kind of under the weather? Like you've got the flu? That would be the ricin I gave you. I slipped it into that stevia crap that you're always putting in your tea.

Lydia: Oh, my God.

Walter: Well... goodbye, Lydia.

[Jack, Todd, and their men lie dead around the tiny shack, Walter drops the gun and pushes it toward Jesse. Jesse picks it up and points it at Walter.]

Walter: Do it. You want this.

Jesse: Say the words. Say you want this! Nothing happens until I hear you say it!

Walter: I want this.

Jesse: [notices that Walt has already been shot; lowers the gun and drops it] Then do it yourself.

Day 1[edit]

[Repeated introduction.]

Jack Bauer: I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.

12:00am - 1:00am [1.01][edit]

David Palmer: All right, "On this historic occasion..."

Patty Brooks: Well, it is a historic occasion, sir.

Kim: So, is she still giving you the cold shoulder?

Jack: If by "she" you're referring to your mother, I'd appreciate if you called her by her name. Mom. And no, she's just busy.

Kim: She's busy a lot.

Vincent O'Brien: Hello?

Jack: Vincent, Jack Bauer. You planning on seeing Kimberly tonight?

Vincent O'Brien: No way, man. We broke up, you know that.

Jack: I just wanted to make sure you knew that.

Vincent: Snuck out on you, huh?

Jack: Don't screw with me, Vincent.

Vincent O'Brien: Chill, man. I don't know where she is. You've got my word.

Jack: That's a real comfort, Vincent, knowing I've got your word.

Jamey Farrell: How long is this going to take?

Nina: Why, are we interrupting your social life?

Jamey Farrell: At least I have one.

Nina: Funny.

Jack:Tony. I need detailed background on everyone on Senator Palmer's staff now.

Tony: Why?

Jack: Because I think this is about him and I want us to be prepared.

Tony: If it leaks out that we're screening Senator Palmer, people might think it's because he's black.

Jack: Well, it is because he's black. It makes him the most likely target.

Richard Walsh: We have reason to believe that by the end of the day an attempt will be made on David Palmer's life.

Richard Walsh: How are you doing?

Jack: I can't complain.

Richard Walsh: Can't or won't?

Richard Walsh: If Palmer gets hit, the first African-American with a real shot at the White House, they'll tear this country apart.

Nina: You're lying.

Jack: Yes I am. But you're still going to have to trust me.

Jack: I was thinking we should try to remember what it was like when we were kids.

Teri Bauer: It's a different world now, Jack.

Jack: Yeah, I know.

Jack: George. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call your boss so I can get clearance on the identification of the source.

George Mason: I thought we just agreed that it didn't matter.

Jack: Yeah, but I still have to call Walsh and tell him I did everything I could. I would like to cover my own ass.

George Mason: Jack, you're finally learning how to play the game.

Jack: You can look the other way once, and it's no big deal, except it makes it easier for you to compromise the next time, and pretty soon that's all you're doing; compromising, because that's the way you think things are done. You know those guys I busted? You think they were the bad guys? Because they weren't, they weren't bad guys, they were just like you and me. Except they compromised... Once.

Nina: Tony, I need you to do something for me.

Tony: For you or for Jack?

George Mason: You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

Jack: Why don't you explain it to me. You've got five seconds.

2:00am - 3:00am [1.03][edit]

Ira Gaines: The job is on summer. Are you in?

Mandy: Yes.

Ira Gaines [to Jonathon, who just killed Bridgit]: You're done here.

Tony: You mind telling me what's going on around here tonight?

Jack: What's going on? You mean besides a 747 falling out of the sky and a threat on a presidential candidate's life?

Tony: Yeah, besides that.

4:00am - 5:00am [1.05][edit]

Dan: (Referring to Janet York) Well, err, maybe she wasn't quite dead.

Ira Gaines: Well, let me tell you Dan; You're either dead, or you're not dead. There's no such thing as 'sort of dead'. Here, let me show you. (Shoots Dan in the chest)

Ira Gaines: (To Rick) You've just been promoted, congratulations.

Ira Gaines (referring to Dan's dead body): Bury your friend.

Rick: Where?

Ira Gaines (Annoyed): In the ground

7:00am - 8:00am [1.08][edit]

Tony: How could you do this? Betray your country, be responsible for the deaths of people you work with?

Jamey Farrell: I told you, I didn't know any of that was going to happen.

Tony: Oh, that's right. You're just tappin' on your keyboard, right?

8:00am - 9:00am [1.09][edit]

Jack: Lauren, I have killed two people since midnight. I have not slept for over 24 hours. So maybe, maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now. Sit!

10:00am - 11:00am [1.11][edit]

Jack: You probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful.

11:00 - 12:00am [1.12][edit]

12:00pm - 1:00pm [1.13][edit]

Rick: (Suffering from a bullet wound and running through the woods) I can't!

Jack: Shut up! You can and you will!

Rick: But I'm slowing you down.

Jack: Yes you are, so you'd better start speeding up!

Jack: Part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place.

1:00pm - 2:00pm [1.14][edit]

Milo Pressman: What do you think they're going to do to Jack?

Tony: Not going to name a street after him.

Tony: Let me save you some time, Mr. Chappelle. I'm not the biggest fan of Jack Bauer. I don't agree with the way he delegates authority, and I don't like the way he runs operations. But since midnight last night, you won't get me to disapprove of a single action he's taken.

2:00pm - 3:00 [1.15][edit]

3:00pm - 4:00pm [3.16][edit]

4:00pm - 5:00pm [3.17][edit]

5:00pm - 6:00pm [1.18][edit]

George Mason: Hey! Almeida. I'm on your side. Nina oughta be here right now, what does Jack need her for? You're busting your ass without any resources because she felt like taking a ride with him. If that works for you, great…

Tony: You know what works for me? You keeping out of my personal business, that works for me!

7:00pm - 8:00pm [1.20][edit]

Teri Bauer: [hysterical, talking about Kim] What do you mean you don't know where she is?

Tony: After the safehouse, she didn't trust us and I don't blame her. Get in!

Teri Bauer: We have to find her, Tony! We have to find her!

Tony: Believe me, we're looking. Teri, GET IN THE CAR!

Day 2[edit]

8:00am - 9:00am [2.01][edit]

Jack: You are Marshall Goren?

Marshall: Yeah.

Jack: Eight counts, kidnapping a minor. Two counts, child pornography. First-degree murder.

Marshall: Yeah, uh-huh. Hey, look: I already made my deal, and I don't need to hear this noise. All I've gotta do is testify against Wald, and I walk. [smirks]

[Jack regards Marshall for a moment, then draws his weapon and shoots him in the heart]

George: Oh, my God, Jack! What are you thinking?!

Jack: I need a helicopter and a backup team ready to leave here in fifteen minutes.

George: Are you out of your mind?

Jack: You want to find this bomb? This is what it's gonna take.

George: Killing a witness?

Jack: That's the problem with people like you, George. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I'd start rolling up your sleeves... I'm gonna need a hacksaw.

Paula Schaeffer: I didn't know how you liked intel presented impromptu. Whether you like it sorted chronologically with an alphabetical key or if you just like separate folders with access tabs...

Tony: Uhh…I don't really care.

11.00 am - 12.00 pm [2.04][edit]

Mason: Send somebody else. I need you here.

Tony: To do what, watch Paula die?

1:00pm - 2:00pm [2.06][edit]

Jack: Did you pick this area for a reason? Or would anywhere outside the blast zone work?

Nina: My contact is in Visalia. I'm not gonna tell you who it is 'til we get there.

Jack: Fine. Then we can just sit here and wait for the blast to hit.

Nina: Stop wasting time. I'm sitting here looking at the President's signature.

Jack: I'm here. He's not. And I'm not gonna make a move until I believe you're credible.

Nina: I'll only get the pardon if I help stop the bomb. Why wouldn't I do everything I can?

Jack: Because you're worse than a traitor, Nina. You don't even have a cause. You don't believe in anything. You would sell anyone and everything out to the highest bidder. So, (Jack overturns the table between them) stop wasting my time! Give me a name!

Nina: Don't even bother, Jack. You lay a hand on me, you'll be taken off the case. You're just gonna have to follow my lead.

[Jack glares. Nina finally smiles. This sets Jack off, who then charges at Nina-pushing her against the wall, grabbing her by throat as she chokes. The CTU surveillance races towards the interrogation room]

Jack: You are gonna tell me everything I want to know, or I swear to God-I will hurt you before I kill you. And no one will stop me, do you understand that?

2:00pm - 3:00pm [2.07][edit]

Nina: He is gonna put a bullet in my head before I can say 'hello' and then he's going to turn the gun on himself.

Jack: We'll make sure he doesn't turn the gun on himself.

Michelle: I just got off the phone with Ed Mueller.

George Mason: How is it going with Jack and Nina.

Michelle: He doesnt't know. Apparently, Jack drugged him and got on the plane without him.

George Mason: Please tell me you're kidding.

Michelle: (Shakes her head) What do you want me to do?

George Mason: He is on a plane to Vasailla. There is nothing anyone can do...

3:00pm - 4:00pm [2.08][edit]

[Recalling Teri talking with an old woman the Sunday before her death]

Jack: The Sunday before you killed my wife... Teri and I went to the boardwalk in Venice just watching all the roller-bladers and musicians, laughing at the crazy people, spending time together. And Teri sees this sno-cone stand. She giggles like a kid. She takes off running, she wants to get in line, she wants one. I remember I was watching her, I was just... I couldn't help myself. When I look up at her she's talking to this old lady in line behind her and the two of them are laughing, and I'm thinking to myself, how the hell does she do that. How does she strike up a conversation with an absolute stranger? And they just start laughing. Like they'd been friends forever. That's a GIFT. I remember thinking, God, I wish I could do that. But I can't. That was Teri. My wife. That's what you took from this world, Nina. That's what you took from me, and my daughter. I just wanted you to know that.

[Nina stares impassively]

Jack: I just wanted you to know that.

Tony: Hey, your neck's bleeding here.

Michelle: [after feeling it] It's somebody else's blood.

Tony: Look, Michelle. Why don't you take a few minutes, get cleaned up and change. You'll feel better. [whispers] We're gonna survive this day, all right?

4:00pm - 5:00pm [2.09][edit]

[Nina has taken Jack hostage and is going to kill him.]

Nina: This isn't how you thought it would end, is it, Jack?

Jack: This isn't over yet.

5:00pm - 6:00pm [2.10][edit]

[on her betraying CTU]

Nina: It didn't have to be like this, Jack. I never meant for this to be personal.

Jack: It felt pretty personal when you killed my wife.

Nina: I had to. Teri overheard something that compromised my escape route.

Jack: What about bombing CTU? All those people you used to work with?

Nina: I didn't bomb CTU, I just sold the plans.

Jack: You believe what you have to, Nina, but you killed your friends.

Nina: SHUT UP, JACK! SHUT UP!

[Jack is backing away from Nina, who is threatening to kill him]

Jack: You kill me before they verify the information you gave 'em, you'll be in violation of your agreement and they'll slap your ass back in jail.

Nina: And you'll be dead.

Jack: I'm already dead.

David Palmer: [On Nina Myers] Let her share the fate of everyone she's endangered.

[Marie is holding a gun on Reza]

Reza Naiyeer: The…the past two years have been…just an act, is that it? I mean- I mean nothing to you?

[Marie tears up]

Reza Naiyeer: [last words, shouting] Huh?! I don't understand! Say something, Marie!

Marie Warner: Reza…you really are very sweet.

[Marie shoots and kills Reza]

Tony: [to Michelle] So, uh, what are we saying here? If we save L.A. from a nuclear bomb, then you and I can get together for dinner and a movie? is that it?

9:00pm - 10:00pm [2.14][edit]

David Palmer: If there is something you're not telling me, something that could help us find this bomb, as President of the United States, I'm ordering you—No, no. As someone you claim you love, I'm asking you—Help me, Sherry.

Marie Warner: I am going to help you. I'm going to help you stop being a part of the problem.

Kate Warner: So it's OK with you if Dad and I die today?

Marie Warner: I killed Reza…and I loved him. Why would I care about you and Dad?

Kate Warner: Because we love you.

Tony [addressing the CTU staff]: In case you haven't heard, George Mason was exposed to a lethal dose of plutonium this morning. I'm afraid he hasn't got much time. He just left the office and he won't be coming back, which means that I'll be in charge until further notice. Now, on a normal day, we'd be mourning George, just like we would've mourned Ivers, Clark…and Paula, and the rest of our co-workers who were killed here today. Unfortunately we're gonna have to hold our thoughts of them until we can get through this present crisis. So…let's get back to work.

10:00pm - 11:00pm [2.15][edit]

Jack Bauer [talking to his daughter Kim]: I want you to live your life. I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted for you. I want you try and grow up and be the kind of person that would've made your mom proud.

George Mason Service is bad enough on this plane, you don't have to shoot me.

Jack What are you doing on this plane?

George Mason Felt like taking a ride.

George Mason [Regarding Jack's plan to sacrifice himself to safely detonate the nuclear device]: Come on, Jack, you've had a death wish ever since Teri died. The way things have been going for you the past year and a half, this probably doesn't look like such a bad idea. You get to go out in a blaze of glory, one of the greatest heroes of all time, leave your troubles behind. You still have a life, Jack. You wanna be a real hero, here's what you do: you get back down there and you put the pieces together. You find a way to forgive yourself for what happened to your wife. You make things right with your daughter and you go on serving your country. That'd take some real guts.

11:00pm - 0:00am [2.16][edit]

Yusuf Auda I'm supposed to update my home office right now, but I have nothing to report, except that I've been excluded from this investigation since I arrived

Tony Look, I'll tell you what I can. You can call your home office and tell them whatever you want [...]

12:00am - 1:00am [2.17][edit]

Jack: They're going to be five minutes.

Jonathan: And here we are without a deck of cards. [pause] You know, I was down at Fort Benning when Colonel Samuels tried to recruit you? Yeah. He was real disappointed when you turned him down. He said you were a born killer.

[Jack says nothing]

Jonathan: Is that true?

[Jack says nothing, but blinks and turns downward]:

2:00am - 3:00am [2.19][edit]

Peter Kingsley: Look, I need the chip, so let's not be pigs here. You tell Ronnie where the chip is, I authorize a large sum—large enough to compensate any kind of guilt you might feel about this.

Jack: It's not for sale.

Kingsley: If someone wants to buy it, it's for sale.

Jack: How can you justify starting a war to profit from the outcome?

Kingsley: We're just controlling the chaos, that's all.

Jack: No, you're causing it.

Kingsley: Let's not waste any time trying to bridge each other's differences. There's only one thing we need to agree on—a price.

Jack: I already gave you my answer.

Kingsley: When Ronnie's finished working on you, you'll give me another.

4:00am - 5:00am [2.21][edit]

Jack: There are bad things in this world that are out of control. Sometimes we like to blame ourselves so we can try and make sense of them.

7:00am - 8:00am [2.24][edit]

Ryan Chappelle: So…what's up, my friend?

Tony: Well, um…it's like this. Either fire me…or get out of my chair.

Day 3[edit]

Tagline: The first wave of attack will be terror. The last line of defense will be him.

1:00pm - 2:00pm [3.01][edit]

Michelle Dessler: I'll go anywhere with you…as long as I don't have to cook.

Tony: Sweetheart, if you promise not to cook, I will take you with me anywhere.

2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m [3.02][edit]

Jack: What the hell do you know? My wife died because of this job. I almost lost Kim too. I'm not going to let that happen again. I will do everything I have to, to protect her. Do you understand me? Everything! Damn it Chase, you can not have a normal life and do this job at the same time.

Chase: Are you saying I shouldn't have a relationship with anyone?

Jack: That's exactly what I'm saying... and especially with my daughter.

Jack: Shut up, stupid! You just fired at a federal agent. You better start talking to me, or I will let you bleed to death right here on this landing.

3:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m [3.03][edit]

Anne: David, no reason to be suspicious. God knows, you've been betrayed by the people you trust the most. I'm not Sherry.

Luis: Unless Hector has a key to this place, you aren't going anywhere.

Ramon: But he does have a key. And when he turns it, the last 2 years of your life, all the hours you spent away from your family, all the work you've done to put me here will go away (he snaps) just like that. I wanted you to hear it from me. I wanted it to be the last thing you ever heard.

(The guard comes and kills Luis)

4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. [3.04][edit]

5:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. [3.05][edit]

6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m [3.06][edit]

7:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. [3.07][edit]

Gael: Don't get in my way, Michelle!

Michelle: External security is already in position, you're not going anywhere. You take one step outside, you know exactly what will happen.

Ramon: Hello Jack. The party's going well, I wanted you to know. There's something else I wanted you to know. For some reason Hector wants you alive. Maybe he wants to kill you himself. Or maybe he wants to watch me do it. I'm just not sure I can wait that long.

8:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. [3.08][edit]

Chappelle: I'm not so sure this is gonna work out well for you, Almeida.

Tony: Maybe not, but right now I gotta help Jack get this virus and I don't need you looking over my shoulder, alright?

Chappelle: You work for me. You don't give orders; you take them.

Tony: Yeah, except the president put me in charge of this particular operation. Now, if you object, give him a call. I may be wrong, but I didn't get the impression that he's in the mood for any bureaucratic squabbling today.

Jack: A few years ago my wife was killed because of my job; my daughter's never been the same since. This last year, well you know what I went through to bring you in, what did I get for it? A pat on the back, in the

end-a demotion, and a heroin habit. I'm tired of putting my ass on the line for nothing. I'm done putting my ass on the line for nothing.

9:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m [3.09][edit]

10:00pm – 11:00pm [3.10][edit]

Nina: You really did break Salazar out of prison.

Jack: I'm not the man you knew before.

Nina: Well, I don't know about that.

[Nina begins to caress Jack.]

Nina: But for 20 million dollars, I'm gonna keep an open mind. So, Jack…if we're gonna go forward with this, I have to know one thing. Are you gonna be able to forgive me for killing Teri?

Jack: If I wanted revenge, Nina, I would have killed you already. You know that. It's like I said, I just want to finish this deal and disappear for good.

Nina: Convince me.

11:00pm – 12:00am [3.11][edit]

Nina: I'm sorry, Jack. I wanted to believe that you'd changed, but I can feel it. You're lying.

2:00am – 3:00am [3.14][edit]

Tony: [While interrogating Nina, he tells her about Alvers' medical history] Being treated for a knee injury, treated for HIV.

[In the other room, they could tell Nina's pulse raise slightly upon hearing Alvers' HIV treatment]

Michelle: [Talking to Tony over comm] It is likely Nina had sex with Alvers.

Tony: Now see Nina, my collegues in the other room has just informed me that there is something in Alvers' file that, concerns you. I'm guessing it's not the knee.

3:00am – 4:00am [3.15][edit]

Amador: You betrayed me, Jack. You were with CTU all along.

Jack: That's right, Amador. You betrayed me, too. I'm just better at it than you.

4:00am – 5:00am [3.16][edit]

Stephen: You are no longer in control of your country. And if you do not use the full power to execute my wishes, the virus will be released and it will be impossible to stop.

David: (to Sherry) I despise you for what you've done. And I despise my role in helping you get away with it. Get out of my sight.

5:00am – 6:00am [3.17][edit]

Stephen: Mr. President?

David: Yes.

Stephen: It's time for your first assignment. A very simple one, but one necessary to our future relationship.

David: We don't have a relationship.

Stephan: No, you don't negotiate with terrorists. Well, I don't negotiate with heads of state, so just do what you're told

6:00am – 7:00am [3.18][edit]

Jack: Sorry we let you down, Ryan. (pauses) God forgive me.

Jack: The only thing you need to know is that I need these files decrypted now.

Chloe: Well, I'm doing my very best. Your tone of voice is not exactly a morale booster.

Jack: (exasperated) Chloe, please just do it!

7:00am – 8:00am [3.19][edit]

Jack You and I have been doing this long enough to know that there is no such thing

as a meaningless lie. How are you involved in this?

Tony: You're not making any

sense, Jack. That intel was good. Without it you'd have never been in the white house to save the President.

Jack: What is your involvement?

Tony: You're not thinking straight.

Jack: How were you shot? Does Galvez even have a second man or was it just you?

Tony: Just stop and listen to what you're saying. It's insane. It's paranoia. Now, why don't you put the gun down?

Jack: Don't you move!

Tony: The toxin is starting to affect your judgement. That's what's happening. You can see that, right? Is this what you're looking for? I never wanted to hurt you, Jack. I told you to stay out of it. But you wouldn't listen, would you?

8:00am – 9:00am [3.20][edit]

Tony: Chloe, I'm getting real tired of your personality.

9:00am – 10:00am [3.21][edit]

10:00am – 11:00am [3.22][edit]

Tony: My God Jack, didn't you learn anything from what happened to Teri?

Jack:(pushing him away) SHUT UP, TONY! Shut up!

Tony: Just because you sacrificed your wife for this job doesn't mean I'm gonna sacrifice mine!

11:00am – 12:00pm [3.23][edit]

Stephen: Let her go! Do as I say now, Jack!

Jack: When your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die.

12:00pm – 1:00pm [3.24][edit]

Tony: [to Michelle] Baby, you're alive. And nobody else got hurt because of what I did. Now that's more than I hoped for. I can live with that. Even in prison.

Day 4[edit]

7:00am - 8:00am [4.01][edit]

James Heller: Spare me your sixth-grade Michael Moore logic!

Jack: What is happening at eight o'clock?! I am not messing with you.

[He flips the table.]

Jack: You are going to tell me what is happening at eight o'clock!

[He shoots Sherek's leg.]

Jack: What is your primary objective?! What is your primary objective?!

Sherek: Secretary of Defense!

Jack: Secretary Heller? Secretary Heller's the target! Call Secret Service now!

2:00pm - 3:00pm [4.08][edit]

Audrey: Look. We were fighting for our lives a few minutes ago, and if it hadn't been for Tony, we would've been dead. Now I've been through a lot today, and I'm sure, when this is all over, your boss will understand.

Jen Slater: And if he doesn't?

Audrey: [deadpan] I can have him killed.

[They both grin.]

Jen Slater: Knock yourself out.

Henry Powell: Who are you guys? Police? FBI?

Tony: Actually, I'm currently unemployed.

7:00pm - 8:00pm [4.13][edit]

Tony: Some people are more comfortable in hell.

Day 5[edit]

Tagline: To the world, he's dead. But he is about to become the most wanted man alive.

7:00am - 8:00am [5.01][edit]

[First Lady Martha Logan stands before a bathroom sink, dismayed.]

Martha Logan: I look like a wedding cake.

8:00am - 9:00am [5.02][edit]

Jack: Let's get one thing straight, kid. The only reason you're still conscious is because I don't want to carry you. Now get in the van.

[In a van, Derek watches nervously as Jack moves to incapacitate an FBI agent.]

Chloe: Relax. He's really good at this.

1:00pm - 2:00pm [5.07][edit]

[President Logan lays into Cummings about his botched entrapment of Russian separtist terrorists.]

Walt Cummings: Oh, you make it sound like our goal was to kill Americans!

Charles Logan: What the hell was your goal, Walt?! Explain that to me!

Walt Cummings: I'm a patriot, s— Mr. President. We were acting in the best interest of this country.

Charles Logan: How is any of this in our best interest?

Walt Cummings: Shoring up a-a strategic partner in the war on terror? Ensuring a stable flow of oil? How is any of that not in our national interest?

4:00pm - 5:00pm [5.10][edit]

[Martha has hung up on Logan after refusing to get out of the Suvarovs' limousine. Logan argues with Mike.]

Charles Logan: What am I missing, Mike?! T-t-t-there's gotta be some way out, something that I'm not seeing.

Mike Novick: You are not missing anything. Any action we take to save Martha would save the Suvarovs. And if that happens, the terrorists will release the gas. Unfortunately, it's that simple.

Charles Logan: And there's nothing we can do, right? Unless I warn them… Martha's going to die with the Suvarovs.

Charles Logan: Damn you Martie, putting me in such position.

[In CTU, Carrie is on the phone.]

Carrie Bendis: Understood. Those protocols should be coming over shortly.

Caller: Okay.

[Carrie hangs up. Lynn comes over.]

Lynn McGill: Who were you on the phone with?

Carrie Bendis: Homeland Security.

Lynn McGill: I gave you specific orders to have everyone's system mirrored to mine.

Carrie Bendis: I've been doing that.

Lynn McGill: But you're not finished, yet somehow you have time to chat with Homeland Security.

Carrie Bendis: They needed us to give them updated codesets. It'll just take another minute.

Lynn McGill: No, it won't. Stiles, finish her task. Carrie, you're done.

Carrie Bendis: What do you mean, "done"?

Lynn McGill: Fired! You don't work here anymore.

Edgar Stiles: Mr. McGill, it's not her fault. She's just—

Lynn McGill: Edgar, one more word out of you, you walk out with her. What's it gonna be?

[Still on the warpath, Lynn finds Chloe assisting Audrey in the server room.]

Lynn McGill: Chloe! Wat are you doing in here?

Audrey: I asked her to help me.

Lynn McGill: She doesn't work for you, Ms. Raines. She works for me.

Audrey: But I don't, and DoD has assignment priority over CTU.

Lynn McGill: We're in the middle of a real-time investigation, and we're understaffed. Chloe is a department head. You can't just take her away from me.

Audrey: I'm not taking her away from you. We needed a system patch on the server, and Chloe's the only one who can fix it!

Lynn McGill: Well, then you come to me, and you ask me. Everything in this office runs through me!

Audrey: Lynn, we are all trying to do the same thing! Can you please just get pass this?

Lynn McGill: Yeah, I'm past it. I want Chloe back.

Chloe: Okay. I'm finished here. Sorry, Mr. McGill — it won't happen again.

7:00pm - 8:00pm [5.13][edit]

[On the phone as he runs to Medical, Jack tells Tony not to kill Christopher Henderson.]

Jack: You don't want to do this! It's not gonna bring back Michelle!

Tony: No. But I'll feel better.

Jack: Trust me, you won't!

Tony: You're probably right. I'll let you know.

Tony: She's gone, Jack.

8:00pm - 9:00pm [5.14][edit]

Théo: I'm here by permission of your government, you can't touch me.

Jack: Right, we'll see about that!

Jack: Théo, it's Jack. I'm sorry.

Théo: We had a deal.

Jack: When this is all over I promise you I will help you rebuild your investigation. I give you my word.

Théo: I had your word, now I know what it's worth.

9:00pm - 10:00pm [5.15][edit]

[Jack pulls a gun on Collette Stenger after finding she framed Audrey at Henderson's advice.]

Jack: He's using you. He wanted you to get inside my head. And it worked. And now I'm… upset.

[After the shootout at the gas plant]

Jack: Curtis, the Sentox is already in the system. Who's in charge here?

[Sam the foreman raises his hand]

Jack: Listen to me. You have Sentox nerve gas running through your pipelines. Can you shut down the pumps?

Sam: By the time we power down, gas will be in the main tanks and it's out into the city.

Jack: I need the closest pipeline that feeds those tanks.

Sam: Just out the door, to your left. It'll have a red arrow on it.

Jack [to Curtis]: Get me C4 and a timer, get these people out of here.

Buchanan: Jack, what are you doing?

Jack: In order to deliver the Sentox it had to mix with natural gas. If we can ignite that gas before it leaves the plant, the Sentox will be incinerated. Bill, this is the last chance we've got to stop this threat.

[Jack has just been caught in an explosion and sees Bierko escaping]

Jack: Curtis, I've got a visual on Bierko!

Curtis: Jack, you don't have time before the main tanks explode.

Jack: Right now, he's our only connection to Henderson!

12:00am - 1:00 am [5.18][edit]

[Arrested for helping Jack, Chloe insists that Jack did not kill David Palmer.]

Miles Papazian: He's a federal fugitive wanted for the murder of a former President. Which means you're going to jail, O'Brian. For a long time.

2:00am - 3:00am [5.20][edit]

Miles Papazian: What's Bauer doing on Flight 520?

Buchanan: You have no idea what you're dealing with, you little ass-kisser.

4:00am - 5:00am [5.22][edit]

[Bloodied and tied to a chair, Secret Service agent Aaron Pierce listens to Logan's attempt to bribe him to silence.]

Charles Logan: Are my terms acceptable?

Aaron Pierce: There is nothing you have said or done that is acceptable to me in the least. You're a traitor to this country and a disgrace to your office. And it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice for what you've done. Is there anything else… Charles?

6:00am - 7:00am [5.24][edit]

[On Marine One, with President Logan in the back, Bauer pulls a gun on the other pilot.]

Jack: Captain. I can fly this thing if I have to, which leaves you with one of two choices. You either do what I say and you live, or you don't and you die for nothing. You understand me?

[A stony-faced, silent Jack holds Logan isolated on Marine One.]

Charles Logan: What are you trying to do, Jack? Whatever it is, you know you won't get away with it! Are you going to kill me? I suppose you want some sort of revenge. I understand that. Bad things happened. I didn't want them to happen. People who work for me, they-they-they went too far, they did things I thought I wanted them to do, but they were wrong! You have to understand, I have always acted in the country's best interest. But you're just trying to get even. Do you realize what effect this will have on the American people?! This day has been trying enough! And now the President is being attacked. If you want to do what's right, you will turn this thing around, and go back. Damn it, Bauer, say something!

[In the abandoned building, Jack sits down before a defiant Logan.]

Jack: A year and a half ago, I was warned that my life was in danger, by someone within the government. I was told the only way I could stay alive was to create the illusion that I was dead. I was forced to deceive people that I loved. My only daughter will never forgive me. As I see the depth of your corruption unfold, I have no doubt that you are that source of danger. David Palmer was a great man, and he was a great President! But he was also my friend. He tried to warn me about you and now he is dead. Other people tried to help me, and they are dead, too. So Mr. Logan, I hope you understand… I have absolutely nothing to lose. You are going to be held accountable for your part of everything that happened today. You are not going to be able to hide behind the Presidency — right here, right now, you are going to face justice! And make no mistake about this, this is personal. And if you think for a second that I am scared to put a bullet in your brain, you don't know me. I am going to ask you one last time. Who are your co-conspirators? You have until the count of three, or I will kill you.

[Charles follows Martha into the airfield hangar. In private, he slaps her and frisks her for a wire.]

Charles Logan: You said that I was a good liar? But I am nothing compared to you.

[Jack's kidnappers drag him through a dark enclosed space with hanging chains. Chinese operative Cheng Zhi appears.]

Cheng Zhi: You surely must be aware, Mr. Bauer, that China has a long memory. Only 18 months ago, you invaded our territory and killed our consul. Did you really think that we would forget? Hmm?

Jack: [gasping] I know how this works. I need to make one phone call. Please. Just one phone call.

[After a moment of silence, Jack spits at Cheng. The men drop him to the ground.]

Jack: Kill me. Just… kill me.

Cheng Zhi: Kill you? You're far too valuable to kill, Mr. Bauer.

Day 6[edit]

6:00am - 7:00am [6.01][edit]

Karen Hayes: If we don't stop these attacks, this country will never recover.

Jack: Audrey?

Bill Buchanan: Audrey doesn't know you're back.

Jack: My daughter?

Bill Buchanan: Kim doesn't know, either.

Jack: You keep it that way.

Buchanan: [to Jack] We're asking you to sacrifice yourself.

[President Wayne Palmer talks to Jack before he's handed over to Abu Fayed.]

Jack: I understand what's expected of me, Mr. President.

[Per Fayed's instructions, Buchanan and Curtis prepare to leave Jack chained to a water system grate.]

Buchanan: I don't know what to say, Jack.

Jack: Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn't want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something. My way, my choice. To be honest with you, it'll be a relief.

[Buchanan is livid over Chloe's rogue attempt to track Jack, jeopardizing the deal.]

Buchanan: Don't think you're the only one mourning Jack; you're not.

Karen Hayes: There are people in this administration who are willing to tear up the Constitution in the name of National Security.

7:00am - 8:00am [6.02][edit]

[As Omar begs through his pain, Jack pulls back from his brutal interrogation.]

Assad: Why'd you stop?

Jack: I can see it in his eyes. He's not going to tell us anything.

[Jack walks off, but Assad grabs a knife and resumes the torture.]

Assad: Where is Fayed?

Omar: I know where some of his men are going to be!

[Beat. Assad is alarmed at Jack's reluctance to head out after Fayed.]

Assad: My men are dead. I can find Fayed, but I cannot stop him by myself.

Jack: I don't know how to do this anymore.

Assad: You'll remember.

[Scott enters the Amar home to find a dead man and a wounded Ahmed, who pulls a gun on him.]

Scott: Ahmed. We're friends.

Ahmed Amar: What friends? You can't even pronounce my name. It's not Āh-mėd, it's Äck-mėd.

9:00am - 10:00am [6.04][edit]

Chloe: You were right about Curtis and Assad. Curtis was in the army, just after desert storm. His squad was ambushed by Assad's people. They killed 5 of Curtis's men and took 2 more hostage. Curtis was badly wounded, he couldn't go after them. The next day a tape was sent to the local television station. Assad's lieutenant forced the men from Curtis's patrol to beg for their lives, and then he personally beheaded them both.

Jack: Oh my God.

Jack: Curtis, put down your weapon!

Curtis: I can't do that, Jack.

Jack: Curtis, by order of the President of the United States, PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!

Curtis: I can't let this animal live!

[Jack is violently ill after killing Curtis to save pardoned terrorist Assad.]

Jack: Tell the President I'm sorry, I can't do this any more.

Buchanan: The hell you can't!

[Ahmed directs Scott after receiving orders on the phone to kill him.]

Ahmed: Don't make this any harder than it already is. Kneel.

[Buchanan loudly reviews CTU's recent failures.]

Buchanan: We have to do better than we're doing, and we have to do it faster!

[Jack has been forced to shoot Curtis]

Bill Buchanan: Curtis didn't leave you any choice.

Jack Bauer: That's what I keep trying to tell myself.

10:00am - 11:00am [6.5][edit]

Liddy: It's Liddy. You won't believe who just called here.

Graem Bauer: Who?

Liddy: Your brother Jack.

Graem Bauer: What are you talking about? Jack's rotting away in some Chinese prison.

Liddy: No, actually he's here in L.A.

Graem Bauer: How the hell did that happen?

Liddy: I don't know.

Graem Bauer: What's he want?

Liddy: He's looking for the old man.

Graem Bauer: Yeah? Why?

Liddy: He didn't say. But if I were you, I'd expect a call from Jack. Your name came up.

Graem Bauer: Damn it. We should have killed Jack when we had the chance instead of handing him over to the Chinese.

Liddy: We tried.

Graem Bauer: This isn't good. My brother has a way of digging things up that need to stay buried.

10:00pm - 11:00pm [6.17][edit]

Wayne Palmer: If Jack Bauer says it's a dead end, then it's a dead end.

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

[Just before hanging Fayed, in reference to Fayed's brother, a terrorist Jack killed]

Jack: Say hello to your brother.

[Mike Doyle sees the bodies of several guards dead on the floor, and Fayed strangled, hung from a chain]

Doyle: Damn, Jack.

1:00am - 2:00am [6.20][edit]

James Heller: You're cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.

Day 7[edit]

8:00am - 9:00am [7.1][edit]

Jack Bauer: The difference between success and failure is your ability to adapt to your enemy. The people that I deal with, they don't care about your rules. All they care about is a result.

Jack Bauer: I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because, sir, the truth is... I don't.

Sean Hillinger: You do know you could hire a $14-an-hour data-applications geek to do this work?

Renee Walker: I wouldn't advertise that.

9:00pm - 10:00pm [7.14][edit]

Senator Mayer: This morning at the hearing you said you had no regrets, but what I saw was a man full of regret.

Jack: Of course I have regret, Senator. I regret losing my family. My wife was murdered because I was responsible for protecting David Palmer during the assassination attempt. My daughter can't even look at me. Every day I regret looking into the eyes of men, women and children knowing that any moment their lives may be deemed expendable in an effort to protect the greater good. I regret every decision and mistake I might have made that resulted in the loss of an innocent life. But you know what I regret the most? That this world even needs people like me.

Senator Mayer: You think I'm naïve to think that we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of conduct?

Jack: It doesn't even matter what I think, Senator. You just need to understand that where I work things get a lot messier than where you work on the Hill.

Senator Mayer: What you've lost, Mr. Bauer, is tragic. What you've been through compelled to do in the name of saving innocent life is tragic. But sometimes we need to incur the most horrible losses in order to uphold the ideals that this country was founded on. How can we presume to lead the world unless we set an example?

Jack: You make it sound so simple.

Senator Mayer: Well, maybe it's simpler than you think. Maybe all the things that you've seen and all the things that you've done have clouded your vision.

10:00pm - 11:00pm [7.15][edit]

Tony: What the hell are you doing? Don't do it, Jack. Don't turn a surveillance job into a firefight; it'll be two against ten!

Jack: Two against nine.

Day 8[edit]

4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m [8.01][edit]

Teri: Jack?

Jack: Oh. Sweetheart, we already talked about this, remember? You're supposed to call me Grandpa.

Teri: You don't look like a grandpa.

Jack: Couldn't agree with you more.

Arlo: [during an emergency briefing with Brian Hastings, Dana Walsh, and Cole Ortiz] Who's Jack Bauer?

2:00pm - 3:00pm [8.23][edit]

Jack: (while holding Pres. Logan at gunpoint) Call President Suvarov and tell him you want to meet him where you are immediately after the press conference.

President Logan: And what am I supposed to tell him?

Jack: (smiling) Try the truth for once. Tell him that you have credible intelligence about a threat to his life.

3:00pm - 4:00pm [8.24][edit]

[Last line of the series]

Chloe: Shut it down.

Pilot[edit]

[1.01]

[after finding Clark]

Jonathan Kent: Kids just don't fall out of the sky, Martha.

Martha Kent: Then where did he come from?

Jonathan Kent: I don't know. But he must have parents.

[they both find the space ship]

Martha Kent: Well, if he does, they're definitely not from Kansas.

Jonathan Kent: Sweetheart, we can't keep him. What are we gonna tell people? We found him out in a field?

Martha Kent: We didn't find him... he found us.

Lana Lang: Nietzsche? I didn't know you have a dark side, Clark.

Clark Kent: Doesn't everyone?

Lana Lang: So what are you: Man or Superman?

Clark Kent: I haven't figured it out yet.

Jonathan Kent: Your real parents weren't exactly from around... here.

Clark Kent: Where are they from?

[Jonathan looks up at the sky]

Clark Kent: What are you trying to tell me, Dad? That I'm from another planet? [sarcastically] I suppose you stashed my spaceship in the attic?

Jonathan Kent: Actually, it's in the storm cellar.

Chloe Sullivan: Pete, do you want to take a commercial break from the soap opera in your head? I've told you a hundred times; I'm not interested in Clark.

Pete Ross: Your vehement denial has been duly noted!

Clark Kent: I didn't dive in after Lex's car! It hit me at 60 miles an hour! Does that sound normal to you? I'd give anything to be normal.

Metamorphosis[edit]

[1.02]

[after saving a boy from an explosion]

Clark Kent: You need to talk to Mom. I think I really freaked her out this time.

Jonathan Kent: You also made her really proud, Clark.

Clark Kent: Dad, something else happened to me this morning. When I woke up, I was... kind of floating.

Jonathan Kent: Floating?

Clark Kent: As soon as I woke up, I crashed. I mean, Dad, what's happening to me?

Jonathan Kent: I honestly don't know. As soon as you start breaking the law of gravity, we're definitely in uncharted territory.

Lex Luthor: [to Clark] Save any more lives on your way over? Keep it up and you could make a career out of it.

Chloe Sullivan: I hate it when you do that.

Clark Kent: Do what?

Chloe Sullivan: Just shut me out. It's like one minute, you're here; the next, you're gone. Clark, you're not outgrowing me as a friend, are you?

Clark Kent: Chloe, I could never outgrow you. Other than vertically.

Chloe Sullivan: It's amazing how far that Kent charm will get you.

Lana Lang: Life is about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both.

[talking about Lana's boyfriend]

Lex Luthor: The kid that Kent saved today?

Lana Lang: I just came back from seeing him. He's lucky Clark was there.

Lex Luthor: I know the feeling... kinda makes you wonder if you're with the right guy. One chucks footballs; the other helps save lives.

Lana Lang: For someone who just moved into town, you've got a lot of opinions.

Hothead[edit]

[1.03]

Chloe Sullivan: Clark Kent is a football player and Lana Lang is a waitress.

Pete Ross: What's the matter with that?

Chloe Sullivan: Nothing, I just want to click my heels and get back to reality.

Lex Luthor: You both stood your ground and are doing what you want. I caved. You two have inspired me.

Clark Kent: [sarcastically] Oh yeah. Joining the football team and pouring some coffee. We're a couple of real rebels.

Lana Lang: Long live the revolution.

Lionel Luthor: You get one.

Lex Luthor: One what?

Lionel Luthor: One chance to defy me.

Lex Luthor: I can't figure out what you hate more - the fact that my plan works, or that you didn't come up with it first.

Lionel Luthor: Just remember - empires aren't built on clever bookkeeping.

Lex Luthor: Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of.

Lex Luthor: My father sent me to Smallville because he'd rather surround himself with drones than people who challenge his archaic business practices.

Lionel Luthor: You know perfectly well how I feel about you.

Lex Luthor: Hence I'm at a crap factory in Smallville.

Lionel Luthor: Did you know the Caesars would send their sons to the furthest most corners of the empire so they could get an appreciation of how the world works?

Lex Luthor: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Dad.

X-Ray[edit]

[1.04]

Lex Luthor: I promise I'm not a criminal mastermind.

Clark Kent: I know; a criminal mastermind would have worn a mask.

Clark Kent: You go through life with a gift you have to keep a secret. When you see everyone around you being normal, you get jealous. You just want to be somebody else.

Lex Luthor: You came into my life, thinking you could shake me down 'cause I'm just some spoiled rich brat who needed his daddy's protection. Trust me - when I make things disappear, they stay buried.

[using x-ray vision to find a body]

Clark Kent: It's Tina's mom.

Pete Ross: Damn. How'd you know she was in there?

Clark Kent: Because I can see right through the door, Pete.

Pete Ross: Very funny, Sherlock. How do you think she died?

Clark Kent: Broken neck... I'm guessing.

Clark Kent: Mom, if you could see anything, what would you do?

Martha Kent: Learn to close my eyes.

Cool[edit]

[1.05]

Chloe Sullivan: This is what I love about high school parties. People will gather anywhere as long as there's illegally-purchased alcohol and even the slightest chance of hooking up.

Jonathan Kent: We already talked about that.

Martha Kent: I talked, you grunted.

Jonathan Kent: I thought that I was rather articulate.

Clark Kent: Hello, citizens.

Martha Kent: I'm not familiar with this child. Where's the moody one? Lives upstairs, runs real fast?

Clark Kent: Maybe I can help.

Jonathan Kent: You already have. Last season you saved us four part-time hands.

Clark Kent: I'm thinking bigger picture. You know, forget about this whole high school thing. Try for a pro sports team. I could make a ton of money in endorsements... [smiles] just trying to lighten up the mood.

Martha Kent: As much as we'd love to see your face on a cereal box, we'd settle for you getting to school on time.

Lex Luthor: The hardest thing in the world is telling someone you love, that you like them.

Hourglass[edit]

[1.06]

Cassandra Carver: Because we both know... you're not like other people.

Clark Kent: Sure I am...

Cassandra Carver: No Clark, I've seen you. Before we ever met. More than once, I've touched people and seen such pain and despair and - But then you were there and the pain was gone. I think that's your destiny, Clark. To save people from fear and darkness. You can fear the future or you can embrace it. The choice is yours.

Lex Luthor: Life's a journey, Clark; I don't wanna go through it following a roadmap.

Clark Kent: It still wouldn't kill you to drive more slowly.

Lex Luthor: I once read about a rich man who survived a hotel fire. He hung onto the ledge for an hour before the fire department rescued him. Afterwards he bought the hotel...always stayed in the room. When they asked him why, he said he figured Fate couldn't find him twice.

Clark Kent: You might consider rounding those curves at a speed that won't actually break the sound barrier.

Lex Luthor: Hey, where's the fun in that?

Lex Luthor: You see, I don't want to do good things, I want to do great things.

Craving[edit]

[1.07]

Clark Kent: [doesn't see Lana] Dad, I got the posts in the west field. I hit some granite, but I jammed it through.

[sees Lana, pauses]

Lana Lang: Very impressive.

Clark Kent: Well, I had a sledgehammer.

Chloe Sullivan: Getting your morning Lana fix?

Clark Kent: Chloe, don't you ever knock?

Chloe Sullivan: It's a barn, Clark.

Clark Kent: Is there a reason you're here early or do you just enjoy busting my chops?

Chloe Sullivan: Little of both.

Lex Luthor: I don't care about the past - I believe in the power to reinvent yourself.

Clark Kent: I can't believe we're creeping around looking for road kill.

Chloe Sullivan: The deer's in there... the door's locked. I'm gonna go find a maintenance worker.

[Clark uses super strength to open the door]

Clark Kent: Chloe, it's open.

Chloe Sullivan: How'd you do that?

Clark Kent: Kent charm.

Chloe Sullivan: This is Smallville, Clark. Land of the weird, home of the strange.

Jitters[edit]

[1.08]

Lex Luthor: I hear you're taking a tour of my plant tomorrow.

Chloe Sullivan: It's a class field trip.

Lex Luthor: What'd you do wrong?

Clark Kent: It's that bad?

Clark Kent: Look, Earl worked on the farm for six seasons. I spent 12 hours a day with the guy out in the fields. He even tried to teach me how to play guitar. He said it was a good way to impress women.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah, we're all a sucker for a guy with a 6-string. How come I've never heard you play?

Clark Kent: I kept snapping the guitar strings. I think Earl got sick of replacing them.

Gabe Sullivan: Welcome to LuthorCorp, where we give a crap.

Chloe Sullivan: (to Clark) Okay, somebody kill me now.

Gabe Sullivan: A little fertilizer humor there. Before we go inside I need you to remove all your cellphones, pagers, jewelery. Anything that jangles, dangles or rings can go in these plastic trays right here. All right? Any other questions?

Clark Kent: I heard there was a third level to the plant, is that true?

Gabe Sullivan: Yeah, that's where we do the alien autopsies.

Chloe Sullivan: (to Clark) Don't encourage him.

Pete Ross: What are you gonna do now that you're officially home alone?

Clark Kent: I was thinking of having a few people over.

Chloe Sullivan: Do my ears deceive me or is Clark Kent actually suggesting a party?

Clark Kent: A small gathering. You guys, a few other people, maybe even Lana.

Chloe Sullivan: With or without her posable action-figure boyfriend?

Martha Kent: We called six times last night, spoke with six different people, none of whom knew who you were.

Clark Kent: It was supposed to be an intimate occasion.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, where have you been?

Clark Kent: The hospital.

Martha Kent: That's it. I'm never leaving home again.

Rogue[edit]

[1.09]

[Lex points to a breastplate with an "S" symbol.]

Lex Luthor: You know it belonged to Alexander the Great? They said the design symbolizes strength and courage.

Clark Kent: I can't exactly see myself going into battle with that on my chest.

Lex Luthor: Darker times call for darker methods. His opponents thought he was invincible.

Clark Kent: I didn't know you were such a history buff.

Lex Luthor: I'm not. I'm just interested in people who ruled the world before they were thirty.

Lana Lang: Don't worry, Lex. You still have a few years to go.

Chloe Sullivan: It figures you'd side with her.

Clark Kent: I'm not taking anyone's side.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah right, Clark, you're completely objective in all things Lana.

Victoria Hardwick: He understands you may have certain negative feelings towards your father.

Lex Luthor: Sir Harry has always had an incredible grasp of the obvious.

Clark Kent: Phelan came back after you were arrested. I got so angry that I grabbed him. And for a second, I wanted to... I wanted to kill him.

Jonathan Kent: But you didn't, right?

Clark Kent: Yeah, but I was close.

Jonathan Kent: Believe me, son, I know all there is to know about losing your temper. But you can't afford to do it. This is Phelan's game, and he will play your fear and your anger but you cannot let him get to you.

Clark Kent: I don't care. I won't let anybody hurt you and mom.

Jonathan Kent: And he knows that. But once you cross that line, there's no going back.

Lana Lang: Clark, what happened to you last night?

Clark Kent: I wasn't feeling well. Guess I'm not much of a city guy.

Chloe Sullivan: You can take the boy off the farm but you can't take the farm out of the boy.

Shimmer[edit]

[1.10]

Clark Kent: No, I think I'll play it by ear, you know, fly by the seat of my pants...

Pete Ross: Clark, you're not the flying type.

Lionel Luthor: Empires are not brought down by outside forces - they are destroyed by weaknesses from within.

[discussing the blood drive]

Jonathan Kent: Clark, you know you can't donate.

Clark Kent: I know, dad but what am I supposed to tell her?

Martha Kent: That you have a problem with needles, which you technically do.

Clark Kent: Great, not only do I lie, but I look like a wuss.

Clark Kent: Have you ever got information that you wish you hadn't?

Lex Luthor: In my experience I've found you can never have too much information.

Lana Lang: That's the thing about Clark Kent: he's not always there when you want him... but he's always there when you need him.

Hug[edit]

[1.11]

Clark Kent: Don't do this. I'm your friend.

Lex Luthor: Oh please. You think I don't see the way your parents look at me? The way half the town looks at me? You're no different. Friendship's a fairy tale, Clark. Respect and fear are the best you can hope for.

Clark Kent: I don't see myself being a farmer when I grow up.

Lana Lang: What do you want to do?

Clark Kent: I'm not sure. Just as long as it doesn't involve putting on a suit and doing a lot of flying.

Lex Luthor: Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird?

Clark Kent: Never read it.

Lex Luthor: You should. You two have a lot in common. Small-town heroes. Believe in the truth. Not willing to back down.

Clark Kent: How does it end?

Lex Luthor: It's not about the ending, it's about the journey.

Clark Kent: What kills me is that I know that I'm right. I just wish I could get them to see it.

Lex Luthor: That, my friend, is the key to leadership. Not only knowing you're right, but convincing everyone else. If you can do that, the world's your oyster.

Kyle Tippet: Do you know what it's like to have to hide because of who you are?

Clark Kent: Yes, I do. But when you have a gift you can't just hide in a hole and hope it goes away.

Lex Luthor: You can learn a lot from someone you hate.

Leech[edit]

[1.12]

Jonathan Kent: You know what they say: lightning never strikes twice in the same place. Look, my guess is that your powers aren't coming back.

Clark Kent: Maybe being normal won't be so bad; I mean it works for you and Mom.

Martha Kent: Oh, thanks.

Clark Kent: You don't feel any differently about me now do you?

Martha Kent: Clark, you're our son whether you can bench-press the tractor or not.

Clark Kent: What do I do now?

Jonathan Kent: Well, life isn't easy for anybody, whether you're normal or super. But you're still Clark Kent. You were raised a certain way and that's never gonna change. Sure, your abilities were part of you, but they didn't define you.

Lex Luthor: [to Victoria] If sleeping with me was just business, I'd hate to think what that makes you.

Clark Kent: You think I'm hiding something from you? Here. Take this hammer. Hit me anywhere.

Lex Luthor: I'm not gonna hit you, Clark.

Clark Kent: Come on! If I can get hit by a car, you can't hurt me.

Lex Luthor: Clark, I just want the truth.

Clark Kent: The truth is I'm just a guy who tried to do the right thing. Isn't that enough?

Lana Lang: Can you imagine waking up one morning and having powers?

Clark Kent: It's scary... I guess. I mean, look at Eric. It hasn't helped him.

Lana Lang: That's true. But I still always wished I could fly.

Clark Kent: Yeah, that'd be something, Lana.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, your gifts are... well, they're part of you but they don't define you.

Clark Kent: I know. But they complicate all of our lives.

Jonathan Kent: Seeing how destructive Eric got, it just reminds me of how special you really are.

Clark Kent: That's because Eric didn't get my two strongest gifts. You and Mom.

Kinetic[edit]

[1.13]

Clark Kent: I just want to say I'm sorry.

Chloe Sullivan: For what?

Clark Kent: Letting you get hurt.

Chloe Sullivan: Well, I am perturbed with you, Clark. I'm also mad that you didn't put out the Chicago fire of 1871, or prevent the fall of the Roman Empire, making you directly responsible for the Dark Ages.

Lex Luthor: Clark, you can't save the world. All you'll end up with is a Messiah complex and a lot of enemies.

Clark Kent: I saved you, didn't I? That turned out all right.

Clark Kent: Chloe, you can't just go snooping around someone's house.

Chloe Sullivan: It's a mansion. It's designed for snooping.

Clark Kent: How you feeling?

Chloe Sullivan: Like a million bucks... thrown in the washing machine set on spin.

Clark Kent: The question is, how'd they get inside?

Pete Ross: I don't know. Now stop channeling Chloe and come on. [Clark uses his x-ray vision] Oh no, not the Kent thousand-yard stare.

Zero[edit]

[1.14]

Pete Ross: No offense, Clark, but digging up six pages of interesting on you is going to require some serious excavation.

Clark Kent: I do stuff...

Chloe Sullivan: Yes, and I'm sure that once I deploy my journalistic skills on you, I'll be able to unearth a skeleton or two.

Clark Kent: You know, Chloe, this is a class project, not a corruption scandal.

Chloe Sullivan: Relax, Clark, it's not like you have anything to hide, right?

Pete Ross: In a world of designer water, Clark Kent is straight from the tap.

Jonathan Kent: Let's just say that it's a very long road between what's sitting in our storm cellar and what's written on your birth certificate.

Pete Ross: There was this bully three grades ahead of us. This dude was determined to pound dents into every kid in the school. One day, I guess it was my turn. He was just about to take my head off when Clark jumped between us.

Chloe Sullivan: So Clark ran interference. Now, as kind as that sounds, Pete, I really don't think it falls under the "something amazing" test.

Pete Ross: I'm not finished. Clark didn't just push brain-dead away. He put him through a door, as in splinters and broken hinges. How he did it, I still have no idea. The guy was at least twice our size.

Chloe Sullivan: Clark, any comments?

Clark Kent: Uh, well, we were, you know, six years old. Twice our size was three feet tall.

Clark Kent: My biological parents are either dead or didn't want me. The point is, you're prying into my private life.

Chloe Sullivan: I was just trying to be thorough.

Clark Kent: This is a class project. I spent an hour yesterday with Lana. That's it. That's all I needed. I'm not some mystery for you to solve.

Nicodemus[edit]

[1.15]

Lex Luthor: This isn't you.

Lana Lang: Why? Because I'm not doing exactly as I'm told? Because I'm not stuck in a corner hiding in a book? For once I am not afraid of life and nobody can handle it cause you all prefer the insecure little girl. Well I'm sick of her and all of her talk about her dead parents.

Clark Kent: What's going on with Dad?

Martha Kent: I don't know. He's been acting strange ever since he got home.

Jonathan Kent: [Getting a beer from the fridge] Hey, Clark. Football game on TV. You wanna watch it with me?

Clark Kent: Don't you have work to do?

Jonathan Kent: Nah, chores can wait. Besides, I earned a rest. You can pick up the slack for me, can't ya?

Clark Kent: It's good to see this whole hero thing didn't go to your head.

Lana Lang: You think too much, Clark.

Clark Kent: Right now, I'm thinking you don't seem like yourself.

Lana Lang: Or maybe... [starts to undress] ...I'm more me than ever.

Clark Kent: Lana... this is crazy.

Lana Lang: That's the point. If life doesn't make you crazy, then why bother living it? I know that's how I want it.

Lana Lang: I know you want me, Clark. Stop holding back. Come on... you're not made of steel. Or are you?

Dr. Steven Hamilton: Remember, Lex. You're the one opening Pandora's box.

Lex Luthor: I'm just the key, Dr. Hamilton.

Stray[edit]

[1.16]

Clark Kent: I didn't know you liked comic books.

Lex Luthor: Are you kidding? A strange visitor from another planet who protects the weak? When I was young he was my idol, not to mention that fact he's bald. I have the whole collection.

Lex Luthor: I think he saw Julian as his second chance. A chance for him to have a son he could truly love.

Clark Kent: I'm sorry.

Lex Luthor: It's in the past, Clark. We would have ended up hating each other anyway. My father would have seen to that.

Lex Luthor: What could you possibly have to complain about now? The plant's doing well. LuthorCorp stock is up.

Lionel Luthor: I'm not here to complain, Lex. On the contrary, your performance lately has been... more than adequate.

Lex Luthor: That sounds dangerously like a compliment.

Ryan James: Are you sure you don't want to know how Lana feels about you?

Clark Kent: I prefer to find out on my own.

Ryan James: Clark, be careful of Lex. I know you like him, but there's a lot of darkness he keeps from the world. I've seen it in his head.

Clark Kent: I like to believe in people's best.

Lex Luthor: You know what those emperors you're so fond of talking about were really afraid of? That their sons would become successful and return to Rome at the head of their own army.

Lionel Luthor: You think you can find your future in Smallville? I'm your future. Join me, Lex. Join me in Metropolis. How long have you been waiting to hear me to say those words?

Lex Luthor: I've waited to hear other things from you for a lot longer. I'll return to Metropolis when I'm ready.

Lione Luthorl: At the head of an army?

Reaper[edit]

[1.17]

Lex Luthor: Do you know what my father gave me for my tenth birthday? A copy of The Will to Power.. Behold the super man. Man is something to be overcome." Sun Tzu, Machiavelli, Nietzsche. They were the voices that nurtured me after my mother died. My father made every question a quiz, every choice a test. Second best was for losers, compassion for losers, trust no one. Those were the lessons I grew up with.

Dominic Sanatori: I'll remember that if I'm ever interviewed by the biography channel.

Lex Luthor: All I'm saying, Dominic, is try and remember who I was raised by. I try to deny it, but I'm still my father's son. Tread carefully.

Lex Luthor: Do you have a family photo?

Jonathan Kent: Yeah, I got lots of family photos, Lex.

Lex Luthor: The only picture of my father and me appears in the LuthorCorp annual report.

Jonathan Kent: Is this the part where I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?

Lex Luthor: No. I just want you to understand if I'm guilty of anything regarding your family, it's envy.

Lex Luthor: In his own way, he's just trying to give you something my father never gave me.

Clark Kent: What's that?

Lex Luthor: Limitations. All my father ever told me was "Don't get caught. Don't cause a scandal." That's not love, that's public relations. You have no idea how lucky you are. When my father dies, kings will come to his funeral, but when yours does, his friends will come.

Lex Luthor: Let's be frank, Dominic. My father sent you here to spy on me because he's afraid of how well I'm doing. This was my last chance to prove myself and he just assumed I'd fail. Now he has to revise his definition of me. I'm not just his screw-up son anymore. Now I'm competition. And my father only knows one way of dealing with competition.

Dominic Santori: There are some things better left between patient and therapist, Lex.

Lex Luthor: You know, in ancient Persia, the kings would kill a messenger who brought them news they didn't like. In modern times, a sword in the chest might seem a little extreme. Something more subtle would be in order. Enjoying your drink?

Clark Kent: Dad, I know how we can catch more fish this year.

Jonathan Kent: What, new lures?

Clark Kent: X-ray vision.

Drone[edit]

[1.18]

Lex Luthor: There's nothing wrong with a good fight. Just remember, the man of tomorrow is forged by his battles today.

Clark Kent: Could I use that? I mean, "the man of tomorrow" for my slogan?

Lex Luthor: Knock yourself out.

Chloe Sullivan: I just want to know what you stand for.

Clark Kent: I stand for truth, justice, and... other stuff.

Chloe Sullivan: Okay, well, I think the man of tomorrow needs to get a platform for today.

Chloe Sullivan: So how goes the platform?

Clark Kent: I haven't started working on it yet. I've been so busy meeting new people, I even got invited to parties this weekend.

Chloe Sullivan: I can't believe it only took one day for you to be compromised by the lure of popularity.

Clark Kent: Remind me to pull your funding after I'm elected.

Pete Ross: This is just a pit stop. We wanted to take advantage of your 2-for-1 deal.

Lana Lang: I figure that's the last step before I institute topless waitressing.

Pete Ross: Well, here's to hoping it fails miserably.

Chloe Sullivan: Well, my candidate may have won, but my friends lost. I'm really proud of you tonight, Clark.

Clark Kent: Why?

Chloe Sullivan: Because you're exhibiting dignity in the face of defeat. It's the quality that all great leaders possess.

Crush[edit]

[1.19]

Danny Kwan: I see you in a uniform flying. You ever considered a career in the air force?

Clark Kent: Um, I'll think about it.

Clark Kent: We see each other every day.

Chloe Sullivan: It was 45 minutes when my car happened to break down outside the Talon and you gave me a ride home. I practically had to tear you away from Lana.

Clark Kent: Don't you think you're being just a little unfair?

Chloe Sullivan: No. Whenever Lex and Lana are around, it's like the rest of us don't exist.

Clark Kent: Wait, Chloe, why are you being so hypersensitive?

Chloe Sullivan: You know, most men are from Mars, Clark, but you're from some distant galaxy that I've never even heard of.

Clark Kent: Chloe likes me.

Lana Lang: So how do you feel about her?

Clark Kent: Like maybe we could be more than friends. When I saw her with Justin today, I got kinda...

Lana Lang: Jealous?

Clark Kent: It's like you find out this secret and it colors everything. I just can't believe I never saw it before.

Lana Lang: Sometimes the right person can be right in front of your eyes and you never even know it.

Clark Kent: I've always liked Lana, but I can never get near her. I just found out that Chloe likes me and I think I may have feelings for her too.

Lex Luthor: So which one do you want to pursue?

Clark Kent: That's the thing, I want to protect my friendship with both.

Lex Luthor: Then you'll never get either one.

Lex Luthor: Clark, love isn't about playing it safe. It's about risks. Unless you're willing to put yourself out there, you'll never know.

Clark Kent: Have you ever been in love before?

Lex Luthor: I've only loved two women in my life. One died and the other betrayed me.

Clark Kent: I'm sorry.

Lex Luthor: Some people are meant to be alone.

Obscura[edit]

[1.20]

Clark Kent: The printer's jammed, the scanner's broken, and the Spring Formal event schedule is late. Chloe leaves for a day and the Torch goes down in flames.

Lana Lang: It's safe to say we won't lose you to the entrancing world of journalism.

Clark Kent: I'm just afraid that if Lana sees me with another girl, she's going to think that the door is closed.

Martha Kent: The door is closed, Clark. And you need to admit that to yourself.

Clark Kent: Dad, Lex is just trying to do the right thing.

Jonathan Kent: I know he is, Clark. I know he didn't try to buy me off, he's just trying to repay me for damages that he thinks he caused. You're right, I got no real reason to doubt him. It's just something in my gut tells me I should.

Clark Kent: Lex isn't perfect, Dad. I know that. But slamming the door in his face over and over only helps turn him into exactly what you think he already is.

Jonathan Kent: When did you get to be so wise?

Clark Kent: Ask my dad.

Clark Kent: You know, I remember the first time I met Chloe. It was eighth grade. She'd just transferred from Metropolis and I was assigned to show her around. The first thing she wanted to know was where she could buy a copy of the Planet so she could keep in touch with civilization. When she found out I lived on a farm, she insisted I invite her over to experience it first hand. I think she thought I was Amish. When I brought her up here, she just kissed me, right out of the blue.

Lana Lang: Why'd she do that?

Clark Kent: She said "I know you've been thinking about that all day, so I figured we'd get it out of the way and be friends."

Lex Luthor: I found a man. He said something besides the meteors came down that day.

Clark Kent: Like what?

Lex Luthor: A ship.

Clark Kent: And you believe him?

Lex Luthor: I listened. Chances are he's just another crackpot, but I'd be remiss if I didn't check it out.

Clark Kent: And when the next story comes up, you'll be sure to check that one out too. When are you going to be able to put your past behind you?

Lex Luthor: Take a look at the stars, Clark. Some of them have been extinguished for thousands of years, but their light is only reaching us now. The past is always influencing the present. I can't change that. All I can do is try to understand it.

Tempest[edit]

[1.21]

Lionel Luthor: We're in business to make profits, not friends! You can't let your emotions get in the way of making tough decisions.

Lex Luthor: Don't lecture me about letting emotions get in the way! This plant was showing a profit. You're only shutting it down because I wouldn't go work for you in Metropolis.

Lionel Luthor: Lex, you may have felt that you found a home here, but you were mistaken! This was just your training ground. Well, your training is over! You're coming home, son.

Clark Kent: Why would your father be against the plant?

Lex Luthor: We have a complicated relationship, Clark. My father wants me to believe it's built on trust, but it's not. It's built on lies and deceit. Any relationship with that foundation is destined to fail. Lucky we don't have that problem.

Clark Kent: Lucky us.

Lex Luthor: I don't know. Just got a bad feeling. Kind of like when you can smell the air change before a storm.

Clark Kent: Storms are a way of life around here, Lex. The trick is not to get caught out in the open.

Lionel Luthor: It's suicide, Lex! You may get the plant, but you're putting your employee's homes on the line. Forfeiting your own future!

Lex Luthor: Or forging a new destiny free from you!

Lionel Luthor: You're not my enemy. You're my son.

Lex Luthor: I never saw the distinction.

Lionel Luthor: When Alexander the Great was dying, his generals asked who he would leave his empire to. If he would appoint a successor, it would keep the legacy intact... prevent generations of bloodshed! His answer was simple, 'I leave it to the strongest.'

Lex Luthor: I believe the term is 'Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!'

Lionel Luthor: I'll bury you and everyone in Smallville who takes your side!

Season 2[edit]

Vortex[edit]

[2.01]

Roger Nixon: Why don't you stop playing the protector and admit the truth? You and your wife kept him because you couldn't have children of your own.

Jonathan Kent: We kept him because he is our son and we love him.

Roger Nixon: He's not your son, you deluded hick! He's not even human! You can kill me if you want for saying this, but you know I'm right. You're just a small man whose son's destiny is too big for you to comprehend. Clark doesn't belong to you. He belongs to the world.

Clark Kent: Dad's missing because of me. I brought this upon us.

Martha Kent: You can't blame yourself. You can't change who you are. As long as you live, people will try to exploit you. Your father and I have tried to shelter you as long as possible, but one day we won't be there for you. And you're gonna have to carry the burden of your gifts on your own.

Clark Kent: Don't say that, Mom.

Martha Kent: And when your day comes, I have no doubt in my heart that you'll make us proud.

Roger Nixon: Mr. Kent, since the beginning of time, people have been looking up at the stars and wondering "What's out there?" Clark is the answer that they have been waiting for.

Roger Nixon: Dying in a tomb. That's ironic. At least you got a legacy to leave behind... and a son to be proud of.

Jonathan Kent: The first time Clark used his abilities, he'd crawled under a big oak bed that my grandfather had made, and I crawled underneath it to try to get him out. All of a sudden the frame just came up in the air. He was a toddler lifting, I don't know, 500 pounds over his head.

Roger Nixon: What did you do?

Jonathan Kent: We decided to take him to a doctor scientist, somebody more equipped to understand than we were. But when we got in front of the office, Martha, she said that if we left him there that they would want to keep him and we'd never see him again. So I took him home. Now, that may have been a mistake, but it was a mistake I'd gladly make again.

Lana Lang: When the tornado came, I thought this was it. Fate had finally found me. Then I saw you in the truck and you put your arms around me and you told me that everything was going to be okay. I know, it sounds crazy, but I started to think of all the other times that you've been there to protect me. And I thought maybe there's more to Clark Kent than meets the eye.

Clark Kent: You're right. It does sound crazy. I mean, there's nothing more to me than what you see.

Heat[edit]

[2.02]

Clark Kent: I started to feel hot. And my eyes started to burn. All of a sudden, the spot I was staring at burst into flames.

Martha Kent: Just by looking at it?

Clark Kent: Hello? Hi, I'm Clark, I'm the kid who can lift up tractors and see through walls.

Clark Kent: I want to make sure everything's okay between us.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah, it's hunky-dory!

Clark Kent: Wait. Now I know something's wrong. The only person who says "hunky-dory" is my father.

Clark Kent: Dad, you were right. Once I understood what triggered the heat, I was able to control it without thinking about... sex.

Jonathan Kent: You sure about that son?

Clark Kent: Trust me. Next time I have a date, I'll be able to take her out without setting her on fire.

Jonathan Kent: Well, that's a relief.

Martha Kent: My son is in jail. And your wife put him there.

Lex Luthor: Maybe these fires were a cry for help.

Martha Kent: Is that you talking, or is Mrs. Luthor talking through you?

Lex Luthor: Mrs. Kent, I would never ask you to take sides against your husband, please don't ask me to doubt my wife.

Martha Kent: Any good relationship relies on trust, but there has to be room to disagree. Like the way Jonathan and I disagreed about you. He couldn't see past the Luthor name, but I always thought you were truly trying to be a friend to Clark. Now I'm beginning to think Jonathan was right all along.

Lex Luthor: Try to be more cautious. I let my passion get the best of me. I won't make that mistake again.

Clark Kent: Lex, I don't think having passion is such a bad thing.

Lex Luthor: You're right, Clark. Passion for life and work and friends is great. As long as you keep it in check. I should take a page out of your book.

Duplicity[edit]

[2.03]

Lionel Luthor: Never underestimate the value of eccentrics and lunatics, Lex. Every Arthur needs his Merlin.

[Pete finds Clark's spaceship]

Pete Ross: This thing's got extraterrestrial written all over it.

Clark Kent: Yeah, I bet there's little green guys running around the cornfield too, Pete.

Pete Ross: I'm serious, Clark. Have you ever seen anything like it?

Clark Kent: If the aliens came to Earth, don't you think they'd find a place a little more exciting than Smallville?

Pete Ross: No, no, no, think about it. Crop circles, cattle mutilation. They'd be like kids in a candy store here!

Pete Ross: So you're some sort of... what? You're not a human?

Clark Kent: I don't know what I am. I don't know where that ship brought me from. I just know that I grew up in Smallville, and everything that I care about and everyone that I care about is here.

Pete Ross: If you care about me so much, how come you never told me sooner?

Clark Kent: Pete, believe me, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't want to tell you, but my parents thought it was too dangerous. Not just for me, but for anyone else who knew the truth.

Pete Ross: You didn't think I could handle it?

Clark Kent: Can you?

Clark Kent: Pete, another reason why I didn't say anything is because I knew people would look at me the exact same way that you're looking at me right now.

Pete Ross: And how's that?

Clark Kent: Like a freak. Pete, I've tried my whole life just to blend in, to try and be more normal than anyone else. Would you just say something? Call me... call me an alien, call me a monster. I don't care, just say something.

Pete Ross: It's like I don't even know you.

Pete Ross: Sure, Chloe. I saw a spaceship. I even met an alien.

Chloe Sullivan: Really? Would you like to describe it?

Pete Ross: Actually he looks a lot like Clark.

Chloe Sullivan: I thought aliens were little and green.

Pete Ross: I guess things aren't always what you think they are.

Pete Ross: What about the x-ray deal? Have you ever used it to look through a girls...

Clark Kent: It only works when I focus and I do not use it to invade people's privacy.

Pete Ross: So you're telling me never once have you looked in the girls' locker room?

Clark Kent: Well... maybe once.

Pete Ross: That's my boy.

Red[edit]

[2.04]

Martha Kent: I think our not so normal son might be going through some classic teenage rebellion.

Jonathan Kent: Well, I think I liked dealing with heat vision a lot better than that.

Jonathan Kent: Get in the truck, son.

Clark Kent: Give me one reason why I should.

Jonathan Kent: Because I am your father and I just told you to get in the truck.

Clark Kent: You're not my father. You never were.

Martha Kent: If the green meteor rocks affect Clark physically, maybe the red affects him emotionally.

Jonathan Kent: It would sure explain his personality changes.

Martha Kent: The longer he's exposed to the green meteors, the worse he gets. If the same is true with the red rocks, then God help us all.

Clark Kent: Hey, if you guys want to waste your life in this mud hole, that's your problem. I'm through being poor.

Jonathan Kent: Listen, we might not have all the things that other people have, but I didn't think our family was about that!

Clark Kent: With my abilities, I can make millions. Sports, TV... it's all waiting for me. You're the ones who have been forcing me to hide who I really am.

Jonathan Kent: No! We are the ones who have been trying to protect you. We don't want anybody coming here and taking you away.

Clark Kent: Protecting me? Using me. I'm just another piece of equipment to keep your little farm going.

Clark Kent: Lex may be too afraid to tell you, but I'm not. No one in Smallville wants you here.

Lionel Luthor: You seem to know a lot about me. You got a name?

Clark Kent: Clark Kent.

Lionel Luthor: Jonathan and Martha Kent's son? As far as I know, they're good people. Salt of the earth. I'm astonished they'd raise such a blatantly aggressive offspring.

Clark Kent: Well, if you like them so much, I'm sure they'll put you up. I hear they have a spare bedroom, and I know they could use the cash.

Lionel Luthor: You've got a lot to learn about tact, young man. But you speak your mind. That's good. It'll take you far.

Clark Kent: Oh, I'm going to the top.

Nocturne[edit]

[2.05]

Clark Kent: [reading a poem] It's a little mushy.

Lana Lang: I almost forgot. Clark Kent, the man of steel.

Lex Luthor: Anyone who doesn't appreciate poetry doesn't understand that it's all about seduction.

Lionel Luthor: Lex? I can feel your smirk from here.

Martha Kent: Are you all right?

Pete Ross: Yeah. The doctor's say it's a hairline fracture, which is ironic because it hurts everywhere else except my hairline. Being part of this family should come with its own group health insurance.

Lana Lang: If you really like someone, you accept every part of them. But you can't do that until they're willing to share every part with you.

Redux[edit]

[2.06]

Clark Kent: My mom's been kind of secretive the last couple days.

Lana Lang: A Kent secretive. That's shocking.

Lana Lang: All these years, I've had this image of the Kents as the perfect family.

Clark Kent: I guess we're just as dysfunctional as everyone else.

Principal Terrence Reynolds: A person is judged by the company they keep. In my experience, Lex Luthor doesn't have friends. He sees people as a means towards an end.

Clark Kent: I don't think that's true.

Principal Terrence Reynolds: Time will tell.

Clark Kent: Two progeria deaths in two days. What are the odds of that?

Chloe Sullivan: I don't know. Lana wanted to cancel the Spirit Week party, but Principal Reynolds asked her not to. He said he wanted to keep things as normal as possible.

Pete Ross: He obviously hasn't had his normal-meter reset for Smallville.

Lex Luthor: You pushed me, and in hindsight, I appreciate that. In some ways, you're responsible for the man I am today.

Principal Terrence Reynolds: I'm not sure that's a burden I care to take on.

Lineage[edit]

[2.07]

Martha Kent: How can you be as fast as lightning and as slow as molasses all at the same time?

Clark Kent: Sometimes, Mom, I'm even a mystery to myself.

Jonathan Kent: Wait a minute, didn't I just fix your alarm clock recently?

Clark Kent: Yeah, but I crushed it this morning hitting the snooze alarm. Guess I'm not much of a morning person.

Jonathan Kent: Must have got that from your mother. You know, she could be late to her own wedding. In fact, she was late to her own wedding.

Martha Kent: Not all of us were trained by roosters.

Lana Lang: What's wrong?

Chloe Sullivan: Clark and I just had a massive blow-out.

Lana Lang: About what?

Chloe Sullivan: His secrets, privacy... my pathological inability to curb my curiosity.

Pete Ross: Man, this "Mission Impossible" stuff is great. But other than my scintillating conversational skills, I still don't understand why you brought me along.

Clark Kent: I need your spit.

Lex Luthor: Ever wish you had a big brother to help you with your jump shot?

Clark Kent: I think I've managed to become a pretty decent player on my own.

Lex Luthor: Rachel Dunleavy came to see me. She says you and I have a few chromosomes in common. My father's chromosomes to be exact.

Clark Kent: You mean...

Lex Luthor: Personally, I think I got all the looks in the family.

Lana Lang: I have done pretty well without a father this long. I don't know why I thought I needed one now.

Clark Kent: I do. Lana, we're different. We don't get to see our biological parents every day, and see a little piece of who we are, who we may become. If I had a chance to get to know my birth parents, I wouldn't give up just because the first meeting didn't go the way I hoped.

Ryan[edit]

[2.08]

Lex Luthor: So you staged a one-man prison break? How did you manage to get him out without anybody stopping you?

Clark Kent: Just lucky, I guess.

Lex Luthor: You're the luckiest guy I've ever met. Let's hope it doesn't run out before tomorrow.

Lex Luthor: Ryan, real life is not a comic book. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty, make compromises.

Ryan James: That's what your father told you. That doesn't mean it's right.

Lex Luthor: Clark, I understand what you're going through, but sometimes, no matter how much you want to save someone, there's nothing you can do.

Clark Kent: I'm not gonna let Ryan down.

Lex Luthor: When my mother got sick, I spent all my time researching the best doctors and treatments. The most important thing I could've done was spend time with her. By the time I realized that, it was too late. I wasn't at her side when she passed, Clark. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Clark Kent: I'm not going to let him die, Lex.

Ryan James: Weren't they best friends?

Lex Luthor: Once upon a time.

Ryan James: Well, what happened to them?

Lex Luthor: Well, they ruled the Guardian Realm together until Devilicus told Warrior Angel that they should join forces and conquer humanity. Together, no one would be able to stop them.

Ryan James: What did Warrior Angel say?

Lex Luthor: He refused. He believed it was a hero's sacred duty to protect those weaker than himself. Devilicus thought he was naive and vowed to destroy him and everything he stood for.

Ryan James: Why do you think Devilicus went bad?

Lex Luthor: I'm not sure. Probably wasn't aware of it. You see, Ryan, in life, the road to darkness is a journey, not a light switch.

Ryan James: You should remember that, Lex.

Lex Luthor: I'm prepared to sacrifice it if that's what it takes to defeat you.

Mayor William Tate: You know, you've got money, but you're not from here. People don't like you. All it'll take is some fiery campaign speeches about outside interests controlling this community and you'll start to feel the heat.

Lex Luthor: When Winston Churchill heard about the attack on Pearl Harbor, he broke out a bottle of champagne and said, "We've won the war." His generals looked at him like he'd lost his mind. America's pacific fleet was wiped out, France was overrun, and the Luftwaffe was bombing London. Churchill said America is like a giant boiler. Light a fire under it, and there's no limit to the amount of heat it can generate. If you start a fire, Mayor Tate, you better be prepared to deal with the flames.

Dichotic[edit]

[2.09]

[at an anger management class]

Lex Luthor: What are you here for?

Helen Bryce: I drop kicked an orderly. I have a violent reaction to incompetence.

Lex Luthor: The drop kick must have caught him off guard.

Helen Bryce: So, what did you do? Verbally demean your butler?

Lex Luthor: Cute. I took a 9 iron to a meter maid's car.

Helen Bryce: Wow, now I'm really jealous. I've always wanted to do that. How'd it feel?

Lex Luthor: Great.

Helen Bryce: Word of advice, keep that to yourself in here.

Lex Luthor: Guess I owe you a belated thank you.

Helen Bryce: Actually, I should be thanking you. It's cases like yours that convinced me to leave Metropolis.

Lex Luthor: I'm flattered I turned you from a life of nose jobs and liposuctions to small town medicine.

Helen Bryce: For the record, I refused to join my father's practice and we stopped speaking.

Lex Luthor: They hate when you do that.

Helen Bryce: Sounds like you speak from experience.

Lex Luthor: You witnessed my self-destructive phase. Then I almost let my father die... now I'm just trying to beat him at his own game.

Helen Bryce: How's that going?

Lex Luthor: I terrorize meter maids.

Helen Bryce: Yeah. I drop kick orderlies. It's funny, I was never an angry child.

Clark Kent: Lana, have you seen Chloe?

Lana Lang: She's at the Sheriff Station giving her statement.

Clark Kent: I don't remember ordering a side of hostility.

Lana Lang: I can't believe you accused Ian of murdering Mr Frankel!

Clark Kent: Lana, you have to believe me. I don't know how he did it but he is lying to everyone.

Lana Lang: A boy with secrets. I'm surprised you guys aren't fast friends.

Clark Kent: Don't try to turn this around on me. He's seeing you and Chloe at the same time. He's at her house. She's his alibi!

Lana Lang: Clark, they were finishing up an interview!

Clark Kent: Does Chloe always finish up her interviews by making out with the subjects?

Chloe Sullivan: What really gets me is I should have known better. Only Chloe Sullivan could fall for a guy who splits himself in two. What is it about me? Do I have a sign around my neck that says "Mutant Magnet"?

Skinwalker[edit]

[2.10]

Lionel Luthor: I want you as my partner. Blame it on a brief bout of sentimentality.

Lex Luthor: Sentimentality is synonymous with vulnerability. You taught me that. You're on your own.

Clark Kent: I need to raise bail money for Joseph Willowbrook. He's being set up, I think by LuthorCorp.

Lex Luthor: That's a pretty serious accusation, Clark. Don't get me wrong, I'm impressed by your conviction, but going head to head with my father? You're a little like David trying to slay Goliath.

Clark Kent: Where do you stand?

Lex Luthor: Any culture that's left a legacy that would endure for centuries has earned my respect. I'm afraid it's a losing battle.

Clark Kent: Didn't David beat Goliath?

Lana Lang: Whitney's shared more with me since we broke up than when we were together. What is it with guys and their emotions? The closer you get to them, the more they keep everything in.

Chloe Sullivan: Must be some sort of protective instincts. You know, maybe we should just stop falling for guys who are trying to save the world.

Clark Kent: I have these feelings for Kyla, and I don't want to doubt her, but I'm not sure she's being honest with me.

Jonathan Kent: Well, Clark, not everybody's exactly what they seem. I mean, we should know that better than anybody.

Lionel Luthor: Lex, have I done something in the recent past to offend you?

Lex Luhor: There are so many ways I could answer that question, Dad.

Visage[edit]

[2.11]

Clark Kent: Lex, you've been dating Helen for a while. But nothing you ever told me about her would lead me to believe she's the espionage type.

Lex Luthor: I'm afraid one day you'll learn the frustrating truth, Clark. People are seldom whom they appear to be.

Clark Kent: Did she give you any kind of explanation?

Lex Luthor: Didn't get that far. When she learned that I had her investigated, she turned hostile and stormed out.

Clark Kent: If I knew someone was investigating me, I'd be a little ticked off too.

Lex Luthor: You're telling me my father offered you $100,000 against your will? Why would he do that?

Helen Bryce: I can't even begin to fathom the depths of the Luthor family pathology.

Lex Luthor: You could have been honest. You could have told me.

Helen Bryce: I was about to. But before I could say a word, I realized I was in the middle of an interrogation.

Lex Luthor: Helen, if I had known...

Helen Bryce: No, I'm glad that this happened. It showed me who I was really dealing with. You know, I've done some pretty stupid things in my life, but this could possibly win the Nobel Prize for stupidity. I fell for someone who never really existed.

Martha Kent: Sweetheart, are you all right?

Clark Kent: I just can't help thinking that... Whitney's skin wasn't bulletproof. His bones weren't unbreakable, but he still put himself in harm's way so the world could be safer. I wonder if I didn't have my abilities if I'd have that same kind of courage.

Jonathan Kent: Son, there is no doubt in our minds that you would.

Lex Luthor: From the time I was born, I was raised in an environment of suspicion and distrust. My father taught me to regard everyone as an adversary no matter who they are.

Helen Bryce: I'm really sorry you had to grow up like that, Lex, I am.

Lex Luthor: When my mother died, I began to build a wall around my heart. Every year that wall grew taller and more fortified until eventually it became impenetrable. I want to tear the wall down, Helen, I do. I just- I don't have the slightest clue how to do it.

Helen Bryce: Lex...

Lex Luthor: I never once asked anyone for help, but I'm asking you now. Help me, Helen. I don't want to become my father.

Lana Lang: It seems like every person that I've ever gotten close to just leaves.

Clark Kent: That's not true.

Lana Lang: Yeah, it is. My parents, Nell, now Whitney. I know I haven't been a good friend.

Clark Kent: You've been a great friend.

Lana Lang: No, I have doubted you, accused you of things, and still you're here protecting me. I don't care if you have secrets, Clark. You are the one good, constant thing in my life and I don't want to lose you too.

Clark Kent: I'm not going anywhere.

Insurgence[edit]

[2.12]

Clark Kent: Lex, what's going on?

Lex Luthor: Big Brother is listening, or should I say "Big Daddy"?

Clark Kent: What are you saying, your dad's spying on you?

Lex Luthor: I had the inside track on a multi-million dollar contract. At the last minute, LuthorCorp manages to underbid me. You do the math.

Clark Kent: Lex, you've got to calm down...

Lex Luthor: Don't tell me to calm down, Clark! How would you feel if someone were listening to every private word you uttered, learning all your secrets?

Jonathan Kent: [to Lex] Look, I don't know how things work in your house, but around here, we think it's important to respect other people's privacy.

Clark Kent: Dad...

Lex Luthor: It's all right, Clark... Mr. Kent, ever since the day I moved to Smallville, I've done nothing but try to be a friend to you. And in return, you do nothing but lecture me with sanctimonious platitudes. I'm done listening to them.

Martha Kent: Why don't you just let us go? You can avoid adding kidnapping to the breaking and entering charges!

Lionel Luthor: You should listen to this woman. I find her advice invariably sound.

Lex Luthor: Clark, how did you get inside?

Lionel Luthor: The boy's resourceful, Lex. What difference does it make how he did it? He saved us. That's what's important.

Lex Luthor: Dad. I want you to know I was doing everything I could to secure your release.

Lionel Luthor: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm sure you did a great deal.

Jonathan Kent: Wait. Are you sure that this is the best thing to do? Quit, I mean.

Martha Kent: What do you mean? I thought you'd be happy about it.

Jonathan Kent: If you hadn't been working for Lionel, then we'd have no way of knowing that he was keeping tabs on Clark.

Martha Kent: So, instead of staying away from him...

Jonathan Kent: Maybe we should take a page out of the Luthor playbook.

Suspect[edit]

[2.13]

Dominic Sanatori: You can save the concerned son routine, Lex. I have everything under control.

Lex Luthor: The loyal lapdog sitting watch at his master's door, secretly hoping he doesn't make it?

Dominic Sanatori: As I recall, you almost let him die once. Who's to say you didn't try to finish the job? God knows after yesterday, you'd have enough reason to want him dead.

Lex Luthor: You know what I find so amusing about you, Dominic, is that you actually believe my father is grooming you.

Dominic Sanatori: It's unfortunate that they already have a suspect in custody. I can't think of a person with a better motive for killing your father than you.

Lionel Luthor: If you were really ready to run LexCorp, there's no way I could have taken it from you. Look at this as an opportunity for us to work together again, father and son.

Lex Luthor: When I broke away from you, I swore I'd never be under your thumb again.

Lionel Luthor: It's my hope that you'll stay and rise to the challenge.

Lex Luthor: Your ego wouldn't allow it. I'll fight you on this and I'll win.

Lionel Luthor: You better have something stronger than words to back up those threats, son, because as of this moment you are just another employee.

Lex Luthor: So now you're implying I pulled the trigger?

Clark Kent: It's not like I haven't seen you shoot someone before.

Lex Luthor: Get out of here before you say something you really regret.

Clark Kent: I'm not going anywhere. Not until I get some answers. Are you trying to frame my dad?

Lex Luthor: After all this time, I thought you knew me better than the average tabloid reader.

Clark Kent: If you don't start trusting me with the truth, what else am I supposed to think?

Lex Luthor: Stay out of it, Clark.

Clark Kent: My dad's life is at stake here!

Lex Luthor: So is my father's!

Clark Kent: You grow up with someone, you think you know them, but... I mean, darkness like that just doesn't come out of nowhere... I'm sorry about your company. What's gonna happen next?

Lex Luthor: My father thinks I'll go back to work for him.

Clark Kent: Will you?

Lex Luthor: It's hard to imagine working for a man who can enrage four people to the point where any one of them had motive to kill him.

Clark Kent: Even you.

Lex Luthor: You know that darkness you were talking about? I'm not sure we're born with it. I think people like my father find a way to bring it out.

Lex Luthor: So you took an honest man and destroyed him. And by proxy, almost ruined Jonathan Kent. How does it feel, Dad, knowing you brought this on yourself?

Lionel Luthor: But I didn't, Lex. You did... engineering your ill-advised employee coup.

Lex Luthor: And you actually believe that?

Lionel Luthor: It's all right, son. I forgive you.

Rush[edit]

[2.14]

Chloe Sullivan: My feelings for Clark are so ancient, they're... they're fossilized!

Chloe Sullivan: What are you?

Clark Kent: Let's just say I'm not from around here.

Chloe Sullivan: [to Pete] You knew about this?

Pete Ross: He's my brother... from another planet.

Chloe Sullivan: Can you fly?

Clark Kent: Whoa, wait a minute. I may be an alien, but I'm not a cartoon.

Chloe Sullivan: [to Lex] You know, I always wondered. For a boy who has all the money in the world, you'd think he could afford a good toupee.

[Pete knocks Clark unconscious with Kryptonite]

Chloe Sullivan: Whoa! How'd you do that?

Pete Ross: Clark's Achilles' heel. He may be a boy scout, but I'm always prepared.

Prodigal[edit]

[2.15]

Pete Ross: Working at the Talon... could you be any more obvious?

Clark Kent: What happened to the Pete Ross rule of proximity? "If you wanna get in the game, you've gotta get on the court."

Pete Ross: Clark, Lana would be your boss. She's going to take out all of her pent up frustrations of all the times you've ever let her down. You're not going to be in the game. You're going to be in the locker room cleaning the toilets.

Lucas Luthor: [to Clark] So, you and Lex seem close.

Pete Ross: What, are you kidding? They're like brothers.

Clark Kent: So, Lucas, where did you grow up?

Lucas Luthor: All over.

Pete Ross: Must be kind of weird not knowing your mom or your dad.

Lucas Luthor: No, not really. Parents always try to make you little versions of them selves. When you grow up without those constraints, you're allowed to become your own person.

Clark Kent: It's an interesting theory. I don't think I buy it, though.

Lucas Luthor: All right. Let's take you and Lex, for example. If he were raised by your parents and you were raised by Lionel, you wouldn't grow up to be different people? Trust me, you'd be rich and miserable, and he'd be wearing flannel. But if you were left totally alone, abandoned by your parents, how do you think you'd turn out?

Lex Luthor: I bet a lot of people are out looking for you. Like your friends from Edge City.

Lucas Luthor: Oh, wow, Lex, is that a threat?

Lex Luthor: You know, Lucas, the Luthor gene pool is a shark tank, and our father's just chummed the waters. Good Luck.

Clark Kent: I'm sorry that Lucas didn't turn out to be the brother you wanted.

Lex Luthor: Considering his father, I'm surprised he's still alive at all.

Clark Kent: Where is Lucas now?

Lex Luthor: Safe. But I'm going to have some work to do to regain his trust.

Clark Kent: You will. You're not your father.

Lex Luthor: Sometimes, Clark, we're all held hostage by the will of our fathers. The only difference is, your dad is a good man. All my father does is push people away.

Clark Kent: As long as I live, I don't think I'm ever going to understand your family.

Lex Luthor: Neither will I. Just remember, my father may try and rule the world, but yours will inherit the earth.

Fever[edit]

[2.16]

Chloe Sullivan: Well, this is gonna make quite a story. "Clark Kent ends record-breaking perfect attendance streak." Sorry. I'm doing it again. I just... I've never seen you sick before, and it just got me thinking, you know? What if something did happen to you? And I never got to... [pause] So in yet another classic maneuver to avoid emotional intimacy, I wrote my feelings down so that I could read them to you, thereby eliminating embarrassing eye contact. [reading] "I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin, I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this façade like I did at the Spring Formal, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings." [stops] This is so much easier when you're unconscious... [continues reading] "My dad told me there are two types of girls. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait."

Clark Kent: I offered Dad a bit of spot welding, but he said it'd only slow him down.

Jonathan Kent: Son, as hard as it is for you to believe, even your abilities are no substitute for a three-quarter inch copper washer.

Clark Kent: Pete, are you sure the ship will be safe in your shed?

Pete Ross: Yeah, we'll put it between the old Betamax and my dad's Pong game. Indiana Jones couldn't find it down there.

Jonathan Kent: Look, I need you to promise me that you won't tell anybody about this, and I mean anybody.

Helen Bryce: Mr. Kent, I take my doctor/patient confidentiality very seriously. But Clark needs proper care.

Jonathan Kent: Doctor, Clark isn't exactly what you'd call a normal boy.

Helen Bryce: I need to get a blood sample.

Jonathan Kent: Listen, Dr. Bryce, you can't do that.

Helen Bryce: Is this some sort of religious thing?

Jonathan Kent: No, I mean literally, you can't do that.

Clark Kent: Is Chloe okay?

Lana Lang: What happened to you really affected her. Me too. It was really hard seeing you sick. Guess I somehow always thought of you as invincible.

Clark Kent: Now you think I'm just human.

Lana Lang: I guess that's my way of saying that you mean a lot to me, Clark. And I know it's not very eloquent... but I guess some people are just better with words than others.

Rosetta[edit]

[2.17]

Clark Kent: What is it?

Virgil Swann: It's a message from the stars, Clark. All my life, I've been staring out into space wondering. Wondering is anybody else out there? And then 13 years ago, I got an answer.

Clark Kent: The day of the meteor shower.

Virgil Swann: One of my receiving stations picked up a faint signal. It took me years to decrypt it. And finally, I discovered a mathematical key that was built into the transmission.

Clark Kent: Can you read it?

Virgil Swann: Yes. It says "This is Kal-El of Krypton. Our infant son, our last hope. Please protect him and deliver him from evil."

Virgil Swann: I've always wondered what happened to that child, if he survived the journey, if he lived among us. And then three days ago, I saw the symbol for Hope burned onto the side of a barn in Smallville, and I found that the farmer and his wife had an adopted son.

Clark Kent: So you think I'm Kal-El? I'm just Clark Kent.

Virgil Swann: No, no, I'm not trying to expose you, Clark. I'm just... I'm just seeking the truth.

Clark Kent: I'm sorry, Doctor. The truth is, I'm not who you think I am.

Virgil Swann: If you can live with that decision, so can I. But if you walk out that door, it'll never be open to you again.

Virgil Swann: That's where Krypton was. I followed the signal's path billions of miles out into space. I was hoping to discover its origin but instead, I found nothing.

Clark Kent: Planets just don't disappear. What do you think happened to it?

Virgil Swann: Oh, it could be any one of a million different scenarios. War, famine, disease. I mean, look at the world around us. Is it really that hard to believe?

Clark Kent: It's a message from my biological father. I'm sure I'm reading it wrong.

Jonathan Kent: Why? What does it say?

Clark Kent: [reading] "On this third planet from this star Sol, you will be a god among men. They are a flawed race. Rule them with strength, my son. That is where your greatness lies." I think I was sent here to conquer. What kind of planet am I from?

Jonathan Kent: Clark Kent, you're here to be a force for good, not a force of evil.

Clark Kent: How can you be so sure?

Jonathan Kent: Because I am your father. I raised you, and I know you better than anyone.

Visitor[edit]

[2.18]

Chloe Sullivan: What are you doing to those poor citrus?

Clark Kent: Well, apparently there's enough acid in them to act as a battery.

Chloe Sullivan: How very "Survivor" of you. What are you going to call it? A Clockwork Orange?

Pete Ross: Don't you wish you were the first one to say that?

Clark Kent: It's like Cyrus is in his own world. He takes teenage alienation to a whole new level.

Lana Lang: Well, we all have our ways of escaping from our lives. I ride, Chloe writes, and you... you do incredibly strenuous farm chores by yourself.

Clark Kent: Well, I guess you know my deepest and darkest secret now.

Clark Kent: You don't think he's really an alien, do you?

Chloe Sullivan: No. But wouldn't it be awesome if he was, though?

Clark Kent: Yeah, it'd be the story of the century, wouldn't it?

Chloe Sullivan: This isn't about Pulitzers, Clark. I mean, can you imagine being from another planet? The experiences you could share?

Clark Kent: It wouldn't freak you out?

Chloe Sullivan: Compared to most people, I think aliens would be a step up.

Lex Luthor: I never figured you for having an identity crisis, Clark.

Clark Kent: It's for a friend.

Lex Luthor: Haven't heard that one before. What's your friend's problem? Napoleon or Messiah complex?

Clark Kent: Actually he thinks he's an alien.

Lex Luthor: So that proves he isn't... come on, Clark, if you were really an alien would you go around telling people about it?

Clark Kent: Probably not.

Lex Luthor: Let me guess. Your friend, he's a little odd. Spends a lot of time alone, thinks no one understands him. I just described myself in high school. It's a classic outsider profile. I'd say he's just trying to get attention. You believe there are aliens among us, Clark?

Chloe Sullivan: Trust me. This kid is more David Blaine than he is Wall of Weird.

Clark Kent: All right, well, that still doesn't explain how he cured Tyson.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah, I haven't figured that one out yet. But I'd be willing to bet that he faked that one too somehow.

Clark Kent: No, I was there. It was real.

Chloe Sullivan: Okay, well, I'm not discounting the possibility that he may have some magic healing power. But if he does, it's probably byproduct of meteorite poisoning. He is no more extraterrestrial than you are.

Precipice[edit]

[2.19]

Jonathan Kent: Sheriff, we know our son and Clark would never deliberately hurt anybody. I'm sure whatever he did, he did it 'cause he thought he had to.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: By throwing another young man across my police car? I ran a complete check on your son, Mr. Kent. He's been at more crime scenes than Eliot Ness.

Martha Kent: If Clark's been involved with police business, it's only because he was trying to help people.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: Or maybe he's got some kind of hero complex? I mean, even heroes got to play by the rules.

Pete Ross: Clark Kent, convict.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah, I know, when do you get fit for that orange jump suit? Or is it one size fits all?

Clark Kent: Forty hours of community service is not funny... it's an orange vest.

Chloe Sullivan: Oh, no! It's gonna clash with the plaid!

Pete Ross: Welcome to Smallville, where you stop the crime, you do the time.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: Very pithy. Maybe I should use that as my campaign slogan?

Lex Luthor: Lana, I know what it's like to feel vulnerable.

Lana Lang: You?

Lex Luthor: Trust me. Eccentric bald kids sit pretty low on the prep school totem pole.

Jonathan Kent: You did throw him into that car, Clark.

Clark Kent: Maybe this is where it all starts. Remember what it said in the spaceship? "They're a flawed race. Rule them with strength."

Jonathan Kent: Son, I got into a lot of fights when I was your age too, believe me. But, Clark, these are not alien feelings. What you have to remember under these circumstances is that there are consequences.

Martha Kent: Your father's right. You don't make decisions in a split second that you have to live with for the rest of your life.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, it's true. We are a flawed race, sure. But we're a flawed race that raised you. You're a lot more human than you think.

Lana Lang: Lex has a way of bringing out a side of me that's both scary and liberating at the same time.

Clark Kent: Well, you know the first rule of self defense is to avoid conflict.

Lana Lang: Relax, Clark, I'm not about to go prowling the night fighting crime. I'll leave that to the expert.

Clark Kent: Well, you can trust me, there's no future in fighting crime unless you enjoy being sued.

Witness[edit]

[2.20]

Clark Kent: My article about the debate team. Oh, Chloe, I'm really sorry. I'll give it to you first thing tomorrow morning.

Chloe Sullivan: Well, unfortunately Clark, I needed it tonight. To fill in the hole, I had to blow up the lunch menu to a 60-point type. I'm sure the student body is going to find that fascinating.

Henry Small: I guess some small part of me is still getting used to all this.

Lana Lang: What, dropping by for a casual visit with your daughter?

Henry Small: No, entering a business co-owned by a Luthor without an injunction in my hand.

Clark Kent: What are you doing out of jail?

Eric Marsh: Seems I've got friends in higher places that I didn't even know about. And suddenly, you're not so anonymous.

Clark Kent: I'll testify, if that's what it takes to put you away.

Eric Marsh: Oh no, I'd think about that Kent. I mean, I know you're unbreakable, but people that you care about aren't. I'd sure hate to think something happened to those wholesome parents of yours.

Clark Kent: Dad, look around. Look at what they did to this place. You said yourself I can't protect you. You have to think of Mom. You have to think about the baby.

Jonathan Kent: I am thinking about Mom. I am thinking about the baby. I'm also thinking about you.

Clark Kent: Dad, please! Please.

Jonathan Kent: All right, I'll take your mother to a doctor in Metropolis, and maybe stay with your grandfather for a couple days. Son, I'd feel a whole hell of a lot better if you'd agree to come with us.

Clark Kent: I can't.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, I'm not going to stand here and ask you to do nothing because you and I both know that I would not do nothing. But I want you to remember something son. They have your strength, but they don't have any of your other abilities. You make sure you give yourself a fighting chance.

Chloe Sullivan: I don't understand why the most powerful man in the city is interested in helping me.

Lionel Luthor: We're after the same thing, Miss Sullivan... the truth. You know, journalists are the midwives of history. Perhaps, with my help, we could make history together.

Accelerate[edit]

[2.21]

Clark Kent: If this is the mysterious Lana, I like it. What is this all about?

Lana Lang: Us, kind of. I just wanted to thank you for yesterday. There were a few minutes there when I really thought I might be losing it. But, you never doubted me. Not for a second. You always believe in me. Thanks a lot.

Clark Kent: Lana, what is this all about?

Lana Lang: It's just that sometimes I feel like you've created this perfect picture of who I am.

Clark Kent: That's what I see.

Lana Lang: This might sound silly... but I have this fear that- that one day you'll finally get a good look at me and... I'm going to disappoint you. That you'll see that I'm not as strong or as good as you think I am. And I'm afraid that it'll change the way you feel about me.

Clark Kent: Nothing could ever do that.

Lionel Luthor: I wanted to give you my gift in person, since it's obvious by now that I won't be receiving a wedding invitation.

Lex Luthor: You offered the woman I love a hundred thousand dollars to leave me.

Lionel Luthor: I did you a favor, Lex. That was the ultimate test of loyalty and she passed with flying colors. You should be thanking me.

Lex Luthor: Well, my thank you note must be lost in the mail along with your invitation.

Pete Ross: Clark, couldn't the bone yard visit have waited till after the rain stopped?

Clark Kent: It's the only way to disprove the zombie theory.

Pete Ross: Yeah. Well, if this Emily girl really is a ghost I really don't think she'd appreciate you scoping out her coffin.

Lionel Luthor: I like to think that I treat everyone at LuthorCorp as part of the family.

Lex Luthor: Well, that would explain the lack of loyalty.

Lionel Luthor: All right, Lex, what's the crisis? One minute you want nothing to do with me and then I'm inundated with urgent messages.

Lex Luthor: How does it feel to play God, Dad?

Calling[edit]

[2.22]

Clark Kent: I've been looking through every book from Socrates to Shakespeare trying find some who could put into words the way Lex and Helen feel about each other. But what I realize is, there are no words for it, that when you have it, you trust it, and you believe in it, take a chance on it, you're willing to sacrifice anything to keep it, no matter what the cost.

Lana Lang: If you knew that Lex was keeping secrets from you, but he was being truthful about the important things like, um, like the way he feels about you...would that be enough?

Dr. Helen Bryce: I guess you have to decide. Is the part of themselves they're willing to share with you better than not having them in your life at all?

Lana Lang: Okay. I know it's not your birthday for another seven minutes, but I wanted to surprise you.

Clark Kent: You did.

Lana Lang: I get the feeling it's not in a good way.

Clark Kent: It's just it's not really my birthday. It's just some date that my parents picked off the calendar for the adoption papers.

Lana Lang: Maybe some of us want to celebrate the day you came into our lives.

Clark Kent: I never thought of it that way.

Lionel Luthor: The wall, Doctor. What does it say?

Dr. Frederick Walden: "The last son will rule the planet." Don't you see? It's Clark Kent!

Lex Luthor: I think that's a pretty big leap.

Dr. Frederick Walden: No! I've never seen more clearly in my life. I know exactly what has to be done.

Lionel Luthor: What is that, Doctor?

Dr. Frederick Walden: We have to kill Clark Kent, before he destroys us all.

Clark Kent: I'm going to rule the world? He's obviously nuts.

Lex Luthor: Of course he is. Unfortunately my father was there. He heard the whole thing.

Clark Kent: But he didn't believe him, did he?

Lex Luthor: He quoted one of his favorite Elizabethan poets. "'Twixt truth and madness lies but a sliver of a stream." He's not just gonna let this drop. I thought I'd warn you.

Exodus[edit]

[2.23]

Jor-El: I am Jor-El, your father.

Clark Kent: I thought you died!

Jor-El: I am his memory, his will. I am to fulfill his promise and guide you all the days of your life. You are the last son of Krypton. When you traveled through the cosmos, you carried the hopes and dreams of your people. They now live through you, Kal-El. It is time.

Clark Kent: Time for what?

Jor-El: Time to accept your destiny.

Clark Kent: I don't know what you have in mind for me, but I-

Jor-El: By the setting of the sun Sol, you will return to me. Your destiny will be fulfilled. Your thoughts are not a mystery to me, Kal-El. These people have served their purpose. It is time to leave them.

Clark Kent: Please! Everything and everyone I love is here! In Smallville!

Jor-El: You must let go of your past. I will guide you to your future.

Clark Kent: No, I don't want your guidance! I want to create my own future!

Jor-El: You have no choice, Kal-El.

Martha Kent: Whatever your biological father may have had in mind for you, they're his hopes and dreams, not yours.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, you choose your own destiny. Nobody can decide that for you, son.

Clark Kent: This is my home. And you're my parents. It's where I belong, and I'm not going anywhere

Jor-El: You will obey me, Kal-El.

Clark Kent: You're not my father. I won't let you control me.

Jor-El: You cannot fight it, Kal-El. At the zenith of the star Sol, you will begin your journey. If you do not, you will hurt the ones you love most.

Chloe Sullivan: You were right about Clark. He wasn't who I thought he was. I'm surprised I hadn't noticed earlier. So much for my crack journalistic instinct.

Lionel Luthor: No, no, love has a way of blinding even the sharpest minds. We don't look because we don't want to see. But once love has been stripped away, then we see the real person clearly. They're revealed to us with all their flaws, their foibles, and their secrets.

Clark Kent: Come with me.

Lana Lang: Smallville's my home. It's your home too.

Clark Kent: Not anymore.

Season 3[edit]

Exile[edit]

[3.01]

Morgan Edge: You've made quite a reputation for yourself. I set up this test so I could see with my own eyes if you were man or myth. And clearly, you're both.

Kal: Well, I'm glad I could clear it up for you... Mr. Edge.

Morgan Edge: I'd like to talk about a job opportunity.

Kal: Thanks. But I'm really not looking for work right now. I like to fly solo.

Morgan Edge: No matter how many bullets bounce off you, Kal, you're still a kid, and I'm the biggest crime boss in Metropolis.

Kal: Well, I would think you could afford better help.

Morgan Edge: That's why we're talking. I got this one job. It'll make you Midas rich. So when you are tired of playing the little league, you know where to find me.

Lex Luthor: You killed your father.

Louis Leery: Yeah, it was inevitable. I had to do it. Only one of us could survive. See, back there, he was a rich and powerful guy. He was always criticizing me, never thinking I was good enough. And it just kept chipping away, chipping away till there was nothing left... I thought you and I were kindred spirits.

Lex Luthor: No, Louis. You're a psychopath.

Louis Leery: Well, there's one in all of us. I just let mine out.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, it's me.

Kal: Jonathan. How's the farm?

Jonathan Kent: Clark, your mother and I love you very much and we want you to come home.

Kal: Is that right? Hey, what about not dwelling on the past and making a fresh new start? Come on, you can admit it. You're happier I'm gone.

Jonathan Kent: Son, that's not true.

Kal: I'm not your son! And you're not my parents, you never have been! You never will be!

Lana Lang: Clark, what is the matter with you? Your parents love you! I love you.

Kal: Do you always betray the people you love?

Morgan Edge: I need you to break into a secure building. The office on the 60th floor has a very valuable package. It's in a titanium-reinforced steel safe. Not a job for mere mortals.

Kal: Sounds like easy money.

Morgan Edge: I haven't told you where you're going yet.

Kal: [reads a card] LuthorCorp Plaza. You want me to break into Lionel Luthor's office?

Morgan Edge: Will that be a problem?

Kal: No. It'll be my pleasure.

Jonathan Kent: Hello, Clark.

Kal: Jonathan Kent. Isn't it a little past your bedtime? How'd you find me?

Jonathan Kent: Your biological father.

Kal: You two are working together now, huh? That's cute. But I didn't listen to him and I'm certainly not gonna listen to you.

Phoenix[edit]

[3.02]

Jonathan Kent: You don't realize how dangerous you are when you're wearing that ring!

Clark Kent: It's not the ring. I was born that way. You just can't accept it.

[Jonathan sees the Kryptonian symbol burned on Clarks chest]

Jonathan Kent: What in the hell did Jor-El do to you, Clark?

Clark Kent: He made sure I'd never forget who my real father is.

Lana Lang: You warned me there were things about you that I wouldn't understand. I guess I just didn't want to believe it.

Clark Kent: I was protecting you.

Lana Lang: From what? That's the part I can't figure out because, Clark, the only thing that keeps hurting me is you.

Lex Luthor: It's ironic. In the most remote solitude I still managed to find an enemy. I suppose I was just hallucinating from malaria, but the enemy I found was real. I got a good look at myself, or at least the part I've always tried to ignore.

Clark Kent: Lex, I guess we all got to take a look at our dark side sooner or later.

Lex Luthor: The problem is if you stare at it long enough, it can get hard to tell the two sides apart.

Lana Lang: How could you let everyone worry like that?

Chloe Sullivan: Because the more pressure I put on him, the more he pulled away. I mean, you saw him, Lana. He wasn't exactly the charming flannel king we all know and love. It was like he was a...

Lana Lang: A different person.

Chloe Sullivan: Yeah. Let's face it, Lana. Clark has more issues than "Rolling Stone."

Jonathan Kent: We can't accept this.

Lex Luthor: There's nothing to accept but my gratitude. After the plane went down, I made my way into one of the broken wings. This compass, your wedding present, guided me to safe harbor. The least I can do is help you keep your farm.

Jonathan Kent: We will find a way to pay you back.

Lex Luthor: I'm not worried about that, Mr. Kent. If it's not too presumptuous, I hope you'll just consider me part of the family.

Extinction[edit]

[3.03]

Clark Kent: Look, I know this is gonna sound bizarre, but this kid Van, he's convinced that the meteor rocks in Smallville have altered certain people.

Lex Luthor: What do you mean by altered?

Clark Kent: He thinks they've developed different abilities than the rest of us, and he's hunting them. Lex, he had a hit list. They found it in his cabin, and you're on it.

Lex Luthor: Clark, the only abilities I have are playing the market and falling for the wrong women.

Lex Luthor: I wouldn't worry about it, Dad. I'm insured now.

Lionel Luthor: Not yet. There's some difficulty getting you underwritten by Lloyd's of London.

Lex Luthor: On what grounds?

Lionel Luthor: Your tendency to attract near-death experiences has made you too great a liability.

Lex Luthor: I would think surviving would count for something.

Lana Lang: Clark, I really thought I was going to die.

Clark Kent: You've been through worse.

Lana Lang: Because you've been there to protect me, but I knew you weren't coming this time, so when Van showed up I guess I was just relieved that there were others like you out there.

Clark Kent: He's not like me. You have to see him for what he is. He's a killer. Lana, it's okay to be mad at people who try to hurt you, but it's not fair to take it out on everyone who's been affected by the meteors. It's not their fault. No one asks to be different.

Lana Lang: Life would just be so much better for everybody if the meteor shower never happened.

Lex Luthor: How many times have I come face to face with death and walked away without a scratch? I've practically lost count.

Clark Kent: Weirder things have happened.

Lex Luthor: All this time I thought the reason I survived that Porsche accident was because of you, Clark. Now I'm not so sure. See, I've always tried to explain everything by looking outside myself. But maybe the truth lies inside my own physiology. Maybe I am a freak.

Lana Lang: What I don't understand is you're willing to walk into bullets for me, but you won't share what's going on inside. Clark, if you don't open up to the people that love you, you'll always be alone. I can't believe you want to spend your life like that.

Clark Kent: I may not have a choice.

Lana Lang: You always have a choice.

Slumber[edit]

[3.04]

Clark Kent: Pete, did you see that guy?

Pete Ross: What guy?

Clark Kent: How could you miss him? He had a big red cape on!

Chloe Sullivan: There is a theory that telepathic receptivity is increased during REM sleep. It has to do with frontal lobe activity... I've never seen a case this dramatic, but we all know that your brain is wired a little differently than the rest of ours. Add that the river where she crashed is a known source for our favorite green stuff and you have the perfect Smallville cocktail for weirdness.

Lex Luthor: Interesting theory, Clark.

Clark Kent: I know it sounds crazy, but that's what happened.

Lex Luthor: Now you're saving people in your dreams, too. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that scenario.

Lex Luthor: Legend has it this sword was forged in the fires of Mount Fuji. The blade can cut through anything. The Katai never took it into battle. They never had to, till the day the strongest Katai turned on his own. One by one, the Katai fell at his hand. Nothing left to lose, the last of the Katai lunged at the warrior with this sword. The blade cut him clean in two. But when the warrior's armor fell away, the Katai saw he wasn't even human. [Lex strikes Clark with the sword, shattering it] Just like you, Clark. See, I've always been honest with you. But it turns out you've been lying to me from the first day I laid eyes on you.

Clark Kent: No, Lex, I can explain!

Lex Luthor: It's too late! The irony is all you had to do was come to me, Clark. I was your friend. I would've protected your secret. I would've protected you. But I couldn't be trusted because I'm a Luthor.

Clark Kent: No, that's not it!

Lex Luthor: I don't care! I'm going to dedicate myself to ensuring the whole world knows who Clark Kent really is. Life as you know it is over.

Lana Lang: Well, it's been like an oven outside, so I was thinking we could go swimming at Crater Lake.

Clark Kent: Yeah... I really don't think skinny-dipping is a good idea.

Lana Lang: Who said anything about skinny-dipping? Maybe in your dreams, Clark.

Perry[edit]

[3.05]

Clark Kent: According to NASA the sun took a direct hit from a comet today, causing one of the biggest solar flares ever to be recorded.

Martha: Oh, you sound intrigued.

Clark Kent: Actually it's a relief to be researching a cosmic disaster that has nothing to do with me.

Perry White: I finally found my story.

Clark Kent: For some insane reason, it's me. Chloe told me. I don't think it's funny.

Perry White: Oh, it's not a joke, Clark. I got the facts to back it up.

Clark Kent: What kind of facts are those?

Perry White: The accident, the power lines, your magical appearance as your family tractor drops out of the sky.

Clark Kent: I explained that.

Perry White: "It fell off a truck." That's not an explanation, that's a punch line. I spent the morning combing through police records and newspaper stories. You're Johnny on the Spot, Clark. You're Smallville's own hero on deck.

Clark Kent: Trust me, Mr. White, there's nothing special about me.

Perry White: Oh, that's where you're wrong, kid. So far I got you pegged as really strong and shock-resistant. The question is, what other tricks have you got up your sleeve?

Clark Kent: Mr. White, don't do this.

Perry White: See, the way I figure it, you're strong, you're shockproof, you're incredibly fast. Plus you're cursed with this hero complex.

Clark Kent: Yeah, why don't you come back down on the deck and we'll talk about that.

Perry White: No. Not till I have my story.

Clark Kent: Wait, Mr. White? Look, you're wrong about me.

Perry White: I'm betting you'll save me, Clark.

Perry White: Thanks again for the ride.

Clark Kent: It's the only way I could be sure you'd get on the bus.

Perry White: You really are kind of a freak, you know that?

Clark Kent: Mr. White...

Perry White: I'm serious. You try to help people, even fools like me, and you never ask for anything in return. When I saw your face up there after it was all over, I suddenly realized I was about to tear down a good person. I just couldn't believe there was actually anyone like you out there.

Clark Kent: Trust me, Mr. White, I'm not that good.

Clark Kent: Something tells me the world hasn't seen the last of Perry White.

Perry White: Something tells me you're right. Rumor has it I still have a friend or two on the Daily Planet. Oh, by the way, I went over a couple more of your Torch stories.

Clark Kent: And?

Perry White: Well, they're rough, and half the time you buried the lead, but I see a glimmer of hope. If you ever make it to Metropolis, look me up. I owe you one.

Relic[edit]

[3.06]

Lana Lang: Why would he lie to me? It's not like he's gonna get the last 40 years of his life back.

Clark Kent: Lana, convicted murderers spend half their day trying to convince people they're innocent.

Lana Lang: Clark, that drawing looks exactly like you. So unless Dexter could've predicted the future, there's a pretty good chance that drifter was real. It could've been your grandfather. Even your father.

Clark Kent: That's impossible.

Lana Lang: Why? You must've come from somewhere. It's not like you just fell out of the sky.

Clark Kent: Since when can you take police records out of City Hall?

Chloe Sullivan: Since I caught the clerk and his girlfriend playing cops and robbers while on the job.

Lex Luthor: So you took the liberty of rewriting our family history?

Lionel Luthor: That's right. Why should I have to pay for the sins of my father?

Lex Luthor: Sounds familiar.

Jor-El: (about Krypton) When I said I wasn't from here, I wasn't talking about Smallville. Where I'm from we have colors that you've never seen. Our moons are so close they fill up half the sky. We have sunsets that last for hours.

Clark Kent: I think Jor-El was sent here as some kind of rite of passage. Grandpa Kent was down here too. He told Joe that if there was anything he needed...

Jonathan Kent: What is it, Clark?

Clark Kent: I don't think you and Mom found me by accident... I think you were chosen.

Magnetic[edit]

[3.07]

Chloe Sullivan: The American version of closure. You can only get over your grief when you figure out how to merchandise your tragedy.

Jonathan Kent: Oh, something must be wrong if he stuck his head in the refrigerator and didn't eat the last piece of cherry pie.

Clark Kent: It's nothing. It's just Lana. Seth Nelson asked her out.

Martha Kent: What did she say?

Clark Kent: She said yes so fast it gave me whiplash.

Jonathan Kent: Look, Clark, jealousy is a tough emotion.

Clark Kent: Dad, I'm not jealous!

Jonathan Kent: Ah...

Clark Kent: Well, maybe a little bit.

Chloe Sullivan: Finally. I didn't think you were gonna show. Not that Clark Kent ever operates on the same speed as the rest of the world.

Chloe Sullivan: You're a Luthor, so it's a given that you're unscrupulous, but I really thought that petty larceny was beneath you, Lex.

Lex Luthor: Can you be a little more specific with the charge?

Chloe Sullivan: I caught some creep in my office trying steal one of my computers. I figured either you or your father hired him.

Lex Luthor: But you're accusing me.

Chloe Sullivan: You're what they euphemistically call the lesser of two evils.

Lex Luthor: I admire your take-charge attitude. Barging in here and accusing me took guts... or sheer stupidity.

Chloe Sullivan: How did he die?

Lex Luthor: Natural causes. Apparently his heart just gave out.

Chloe Sullivan: And you believe that?

Lex Luthor: Given what he was looking into, I doubt there was anything natural about his death.

Chloe Sullivan: How do I know you're not just playing me here?

Lex Luthor: [sarcastic] You're right, Chloe. I could be. I often bring high school girls to the morgue to show them what happens when trained professionals cross my father.

Chloe Sullivan: Well, there's nothing in my files worth killing for.

Lex Luthor: We've got a corpse here that says you're wrong.

Shattered[edit]

[3.08]

Lionel Luthor: How did you get in here, Lex?

Lex Luthor: Well, when people think you're insane and you're holding a rifle to their head, they, uh, tend to do what you ask.

Lex Luthor: You know what disappoints me, Dad?

Lionel Luthor: All right, tell me.

Lex Luthor: You hired pros to kill me. You always taught me, "If you want something done right, son, do it yourself!"

Morgan Edge: If we'd done it my way, you'd be dead by now.

Lex Luthor: What are you talking about?

Morgan Edge: You really believe you could have escaped if I wanted to kill you? It was your father's idea to make you look crazy instead.

Lex Luthor: You're lying!

Morgan Edge: It's true, Lex. Lionel's gone soft in his old age. He was willing to lose his parents, but he said he couldn't bear to lose another child.

Clark Kent: Thank you.

Lex Luthor: Don't thank me, Clark. You're part of this. I have to kill you too.

Lionel Luthor: You know, I was never quite sure which of them was more out of touch with reality — Don Quixote, jousting with imaginary enemies, or his loyal lackey Sancho Panza, indulging his master's fantasies in spite of the danger to everyone else.

Asylum[edit]

[3.09]

Adam Knight: I think you're getting off way too easily.

Lana Lang: Excuse me?

Adam Knight: You have to learn to push through the pain. If we all sat down every time it hurt, this country never would've been built.

Lana Lang: Well, I doubt the founding fathers broke their legs in four places.

Adam Knight: What happened, bad pileup at cheerleading practice?

Lionel Luthor: When your attempt to escape failed, you sabotaged my efforts to have you released, to be cared for at home.

Lex Luthor: But I told you. I'm cured. A cured patient doesn't belong in a hospital.

Lionel Luthor: Oh, it's painful to see you like this. You know I have your best interest at heart, don't you?

Lex Luthor: The only interest you have... is staying out of prison. I'm not insane, and you know it.

Lionel Luthor: It's sad to see a man who's lost his mind. But it's tragic when he's convinced himself that he's sane.

Clark Kent: How is Lana?

Chloe Sullivan: It's been really tough. She could use some moral support.

Clark Kent: I sent her a card.

Chloe Sullivan: Nothing says "I love you" more than a $1.50 piece of cardboard.

Pete Ross: Clark, he knows your secret.

Clark Kent: I can't let him turn Lex into a vegetable just for that.

Pete Ross: You can't trust him.

Clark Kent: And you've never given him a chance.

Pete Ross: And you give him too many. You think it's easy keeping a lid on your secret? I've got to think about it every time we're around other people to make sure I don't slip. I've got to remember to say "meteor rock" instead of "kryptonite." And I always got to cover your unexplained exits.

Clark Kent: Pete, I'm sorry. You've never said anything.

Pete Ross: Clark, that's not the point. The point is that I got your back. But Lex won't.

Eric Summers: Welcome back to being normal, Clark. Kind of sucks, doesn't it?

Whisper[edit]

[3.10]

Lana Lang: One thing I learned from my accident is that you can't go through something like this alone.

Clark Kent: Lana, just because I'm blind doesn't mean the issues between us have disappeared. This doesn't change anything.

Lana Lang: I was just offering a helping hand, Clark. But I won't make that mistake again.

Pete Ross: Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder obviously hasn't met the two of you.

Chloe Sullivan: Mr. Luthor, what's this about?

Lionel Luthor: We had what I assumed was a private conversation, but imagine my surprise to have Lex throw my very own words right back in my face. You led me to believe, Miss Sullivan, that, uh, you were no longer in communication with Lex.

Chloe Sullivan: Well, I'm not. But thank you for the wildly offensive insinuation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm on a deadline.

Lionel Luthor: Not anymore. Your column at the Daily Planet's been cancelled.

Chloe Sullivan: What?

Lionel Luthor: All right, all right. Here's the deal. You tell me everything you fed to Lex, I'll let things stand.

Chloe Sullivan: I told you I'm not Lex's source. And while I'm sure you could kill my column, this is not the only piece I'm working on for the Daily Planet. I know I could interest them in a story about an eccentric billionaire with an obsessive interest in a Kansas farm boy.

Lionel Luthor: You threatening me? I'd be careful, Miss Sullivan. Very careful.

Chloe Sullivan: I'll be whatever I want. Apparently, I don't work for you anymore.

Chloe Sullivan: Believe it or not, Clark, I was trying to help you.

Clark Kent: Oh, by spying on me.

Chloe Sullivan: No, by just trying to understand why he's so intrigued with you.

Clark Kent: And if the Torch got a few new computers and you made a name for yourself at the Daily Planet, that was okay too. For all the times you accused me of keeping secrets, how could you do this to me?!

Chloe Sullivan: He just... he caught me at an especially bad time. And I caved. I've been trying to get out of it ever since, but when people like Lionel Luthor have you, they don't want to let go. You know, I thought that you out of all people would understand making a stupid decision in a moment of weakness. But I guess I was wrong.

Pete Ross: Clark. Your parents are ready to start gluing your picture to milk cartons. How'd you get out here, anyhow?

Clark Kent: I walked. Turns out I do know every inch of this farm. I really didn't mean to scare them, but I couldn't take all the noise.

Pete Ross: So your mega-hearing thing's back.

Clark Kent: Suddenly I'm the ultimate eavesdropper.

Pete Ross: You know, what can I say? Chicks dig a hero.

Clark Kent: Uh-huh.

Pete Ross: Hope you don't mind I'm bending the truth a little bit.

Clark Kent: Pete, look who you're talking to. The master truth-bender.

Delete[edit]

[3.11]

Clark Kent: You're not the same person you used to be.

Chloe Sullivan: Kind of like if I moved to Metropolis and became a motorcycle-riding party animal and told you to get out of my life. Kind of like that, right?

Chloe Sullivan: Well, I obviously didn't know what I was getting myself into. Just seems to be a nasty habit that I've picked up lately.

Lex Luthor: I'm starting to get a complex. It seems all the women I find even remotely appealing turn out to be psychopaths.

Molly Griggs: Birds of a feather.

Molly Griggs: You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to be so different, to see things other kids can't see, to feel and to think about things they can't even imagine.

Clark Kent: Molly, Garner's not helping you.

Molly Griggs: He made me feel normal, and I never thought that could happen. Now, if someone gave you that chance, wouldn't you protect them, too?

Lana Lang: Freaky Ninja Girls and all!

Lana Lang: What do you think?

Adam Knight: I think Norman Bates would be right at home here.

Hereafter[edit]

[3.12]

Jordan Cross: I had a vision of you too when you grabbed me in the hallway.

Clark Kent: What do you mean? What'd you see?

Jordan Cross: Like you don't have an end like other people. It's like you live forever.

Lana Lang: Jordan, I brought your homework.

Clark Kent: [to Jordan] Why do I get the feeling you've replaced me as your mentor?

Lana Lang: I've offered to help Jordan get back on his feet, and he is going to help me become faster on mine.

Clark Kent: I think you're getting the hang of this high school thing.

Martha Kent: You're awfully quiet today.

Clark Kent: Having someone tell you you can change destiny is a lot to handle.

Martha Kent: Clark, what's this really about?

Clark Kent: I'm just wondering if that's why I was really sent here. To change destiny. What if I make a wrong choice and I'm not there to make it right?

Martha Kent: It's a huge responsibility. You have to concentrate on the good that you do. Think of all the people you've saved. Your dad and me and Lex. He's turned out to be a really good friend. Sweetheart, you just have to do the best you can. You can't save everybody.

Lex Luthor: They say music hath charms to sooth the savage breast.

Adam Knight: Don't count on it.

Velocity[edit]

[3.13]

Pete Ross: I'm okay at hoops. I'm a decent photographer. But you saw that crowd last night. You heard them chanting my name. And for once in my life, I finally get to feel what you feel like every single day. I get to feel special.

Clark Kent: Pete, I'm not special. I'm different.

Pete Ross: Clark, who do you think you're kidding? You can do things that I could never even dream of. And ever since we were kids, even before I knew your secret, I've always been walking in your shadow.

Clark Kent: Pete, that's not true.

Pete Ross: Clark, don't get me wrong. It's not a bad place to be. But I'm growing up. I'm realizing that I got my own talents.

Clark Kent: Everything's taken care of. What you need to concentrate on is feeling better and your checkers strategy, not necessarily in that order.

Jonathan Kent: Clark, you've been here every night. Why don't you go out with your friends, have some fun.

Clark Kent: Why would I go out with my friends when I can beat my dad at checkers?

Sheriff Nancy Adams: Good work, Mr. Kent. It only took eight deputies and four cruisers to discover that that barn was as clean as my grandma's pantry.

Clark Kent: That couldn't be. I saw those license plates.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: The only plates in that barn were the ones in the kitchen sink. And none of the cars in there had VIN numbers even remotely similar to the ones you gave me.

Clark Kent: Sheriff, that's impossible.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: As usual, Mr. Kent, your information is about as accurate as the local weatherman. But I'm cutting you some slack this time because I've had my eye on Jason Dante for a while now, and he is one slippery fish. Next time you say there's a storm a-brewing, Mr. Kent, I better see some rain.

Clark Kent: Lex, you've done so much already, but I need a big favor.

Lex Luthor: Name it.

Clark Kent: I need $20,000 dollars, cash.

Lex Luthor: You're right. That is big. You mind telling me what it's for?

Clark Kent: My friend got mixed up with the wrong crowd, and now they're making him pay for it.

Lex Luthor: Is this the old proverbial friend who happens to be you?

Jonathan Kent: In the world, things aren't always black and white. Sometimes you gotta wander out into the gray areas and do what you think is best.

Obsession[edit]

[3.14]

Lionel Luthor: [to a class] Now, you're all here to learn something about business. The most important element in anything to do with economic theory is the individual. Yes, you. Traditional rules, supply and demand-they're secondary. But to rise above those rules, to know when to break them, requires absolute personal commitment. I consider it a prerequisite for success.

Chloe Sullivan: [to Clark, quietly] And I consider it despicable, immoral, and possibly illegal.

Chloe Sullivan: What do you say we make a break for the fire escape?

Clark Kent: I could crawl down all 39 stories if this fieldtrip didn't count toward our final grade.

Chloe Sullivan: Welcome to the Lionel Luthor exhibit. Next floor: Victims, sycophants, and hatchet men.

Clark Kent: She's gone.

Jonathan Kent: What did she do, Clark, climb out the window?

Clark Kent: Actually, she teleported.

Jonathan Kent: You're gonna have to run that by me one more time.

Clark Kent: I just think that maybe we need to set some boundaries. You know, maybe some limitations.

Alicia Baker: We're special, Clark. People like us don't need boundaries and limitations.

Lex Luthor: You go on one date with this girl, and already she's sneaking into your bedroom, putting sexy pictures of herself in your locker, and practically asking your parents to book the wedding chapel. What's your secret, Clark?

Resurrection[edit]

[3.15]

Clark Kent: You know, I always thought of my dad as a man of steel. I guess I was wrong.

Lex Luthor: My father's been strangely stubborn about liquidating that property. Every market indicator says to sell, but he insists the neighborhood's about to be revitalized.

Chloe Sullivan: The only thing being revitalized in that neighborhood is the graffiti.

Lex Luthor: Chloe, I think I should take it from here.

Chloe Sullivan: Lex, I'm perfectly capable-

Lex Sullivan: This has nothing to do with your capability. I'm worried about your safety. When my father's involved with covert research, people tend to get hurt.

Clark Kent: Dad, when that serum got close to the kryptonite bomb, it reacted the same way as my blood.

Martha Kent: So you're saying the serum...

Clark Kent: I know. It sounds crazy, but I think that Lionel Luthor has found a way to use my blood to bring people back to life. If my blood can save lives, maybe I should come forward. What if there's something inside me that can repair dad's heart permanently?

Jonathan Kent: Clark, your mother and I both know that you are gonna save a lot of lives in this world, even more than you have any idea.

Clark Kent: The only life I'm interested in saving is yours.

Jonathan Kent: You do. You save my life every day that you're with us. And we wouldn't trade that for a single moment without you.

Lana Lang: I should've said something about Adam sooner. I feel so guilty.

Clark Kent: None of this was your fault.

Lana Lang: Still, I let him threaten me into silence.

Clark Kent: Because you knew it would put people in danger. I understand keeping secrets for that reason.

Crisis[edit]

[3.16]

Clark Kent: Pete, I think it's great that you spend so much time volunteering here.

Pete Ross: Well, someone's always been there for me when I've been in trouble. Seems like a good way to give something back.

Pretty Girl: [flirty] Hi, Pete.

Clark Kent: And to hone your sensitive guy skills.

Clark Kent: We think it's some sort of a prank, Sheriff.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: You know, usually these situations originate a little closer to home than you'd expect. Any reason you might want to goose these boys with a little crank call, Miss Lang?

Clark Kent: Lana didn't have anything to do with this.

Sheriff Nancy Adams: You know, unless Miss Lang has grown several inches and developed an affinity for plaid, this would be a good time for you to pipe down.

Chloe Sullivan: Clark, how did you hear that?

Clark Kent: I guess I missed too many Linkin Park concerts.

Lex Luthor: Tell the cops to drop the charges and give me immunity, and I'll give you the biggest arrest of your career.

FBI Agent Frank Loder: What are we talking about?

Lex Luthor: I'll help you bring down my father.

Lana Lang: Clark, there's still something I don't understand. How did you get from the hotline to the storage unit in a split second?

Clark Kent: It took me more than a few seconds... maybe it had something to do with the weird time anomaly. You know, there's something that I don't understand either. Why did you call the hotline instead of the police?

Lana Lang: Because I knew you'd be there.

Legacy[edit]

[3.17]

Lex Luthor: You know, Dad, they say mental illness is hereditary. I'm willing to accept my break with reality. Are you?

Lionel Luthor: Oh, Lex, men of vision have so often been mocked. Galileo knew it was the earth that orbited the sun, and he was sentenced to death for that discovery.

Lex Luthor: Where's the Inquisition when you need it?

Jonathan Kent: How'd you know to find me out here?

Clark Kent: When I'm searching for answers, I turn to my dad. I guess it runs in the family.

Jonathan Kent: Your grandfather was the stubbornest man I ever knew. And believe me, Clark, I wasn't nearly the son you are. My mother used to say that he and I were like watching two sides of the same coin duking it out. And I see the way you and Jor-El fight and I wonder if maybe fathers and sons were the same on Krypton.

Clark Kent: Except he's not my father. You are.

Jonathan Kent: Yeah... I am your father who turns his back on you when you need him the most. I am your father who forces you to run away. My father never would've done that.

Lex Luthor: Look, I'm afraid I'm a little jaded in the romance department. The only thing I know about relationships is that someone usually winds up getting hurt.

Lana Lang: And you don't think I can trust Clark to not do that.

Lex Luthor: I don't think it's about trust. It's like the German poet Rilke said, "A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them. They're who they've been throughout your whole relationship."

Dr. Virgil Swann: Fathers often want futures that their sons reject. That struggle is as old as the human race.

Clark Kent: Except I'm not human.

Dr. Virgil Swann: Humanity is not only about biology.

Jonathan Kent: This is your last warning. Stay away from my son.

Lionel Luthor: If you'd raised your son the way I raised mine, maybe you wouldn't have to protect him. You know, weakness isn't something you're born with. You learn it. And Clark learned his from you.

Truth[edit]

[3.18]

Clark Kent: You broke into the LuthorCorp plant the other night, didn't you? Something happened?

Chloe Sullivan: Wow. There may be some journalistic genes behind those baby blues after all.

Clark Kent: Chloe, for some reason, people are telling you things they don't want you to know, and it's not a joke.

Chloe Sullivan: No. But it is every reporter's dream.

Chloe Sullivan: My God, Clark, this is amazing! Can you imagine the kinds of stories I could break? I mean, I could crack the mystery that is Clark Kent! [pause] What do you keep hiding from me?

Clark Kent: I can't believe you just asked me that.

Chloe Sullivan: And you didn't answer. Everyone else would have. What are you so afraid of? That I'll get behind that armor and finally uncover your secret?

Chloe Sullivan: I do know that because of you, my dad can't get a job. So why would I help you?

Lex Luthor: Because my father's the one who ordered his dismissal. You know that's the truth, don't you?

Chloe Sullivan: Meaning that my family's future is just one chess move in the endless game of one-upmanship played by you and your dad.

Lex Luthor: It's not a game, Chloe. You're the only one who can get me the truth.

Chloe Sullivan: Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why can't you just walk away from your father?

Lex Luthor: Because he won't give me the only thing I've ever wanted from him.

Chloe Sullivan: And that would be?

Lex Luthor: I want him to love me.

Lionel Luthor: I'm impressed but unfortunately, I don't respond to blackmail. But you know, this isn't what's going to get your father's job back.

Chloe Sullivan: Then what would?

Lionel Luthor: Information from an especially intransigent source.

Chloe Sullivan: Does this source have a name?

Lionel Luthor: Two, actually. Jonathan and Martha Kent. But you need only ask one question.

Chloe Sullivan: Why would I ever do that?

Lionel Luthor: Because I know that you have a special place in your heart for their son, and it's killing you that he's hiding something from you. And we both know that this may be the only opportunity you'll ever have to find out what that is.

Chloe Sullivan: And what exactly is it that you want to know?

Lionel Luthor: Where did Clark Kent come from?

Chloe Sullivan: When you found me on the bridge, I was on my way here. I was gonna ask your parents all the questions you would never answer... look, I know "I'm sorry" has become a recurring motif in our relationship, but-

Clark Kent: No, Chloe, look, I appreciate your honesty, but you weren't yourself.

Chloe Sullivan: I really wish I could believe that. But there have been so many times when my curiosity has gotten the best of me. Maybe this is just who I am.

Clark Kent: No. You're going after the truth. Chloe, there's nothing wrong with that.

Chloe Sullivan: Unless it hurts the people you care most about. I'm just afraid that one day I'm gonna push too hard, and I'm not gonna get the chance to say I'm sorry.

Clark Kent: Today's not that day.

Memoria[edit]

[3.19]

Martha: [Concerned] You've hardly said anything about what happened at Summerholt.

Clark: [Distracted] Don't worry Mom, my secret is still safe.

Martha: Well, let me know if you want to talk about it.

[Martha goes to leave]

Clark: Lara.

[Martha stops, she looks back at Clark]

Clark: That was my biological mother's real name. She was my earliest memory. She sounded so scared. Her only fear was that nobody would love me.

Martha: I can't imagine the feeling of sending my baby in a lifeboat across the stars.

Clark: Because of Jor-El, I always thought that my biological parents were monsters. But she wasn't... I just can't believe I forgot about her.

Martha: [Comforting] You didn't, Clark; your first word was "Lara". Your father and I could never figure out what it meant, but now we know.

Clark: I wish she could have met you, to see what a great mom I have.

Martha: She knows, Clark. A mother's love never dies.

[They embrace]

Lex: Lana told you about my nocturnal adventure, didn't she? I can see I spooked her. That usually sends her running to you.

Clark: Are you okay?

Lex: Well, I haven't lost my mind, Clark, if that's what you mean. I just indulged in a little harmless sleepwalking, that's all.

Clark: Lex, you were on a ledge yelling Julian's name. You could've killed yourself.

Lex: You know, when I found you asleep in the middle of Route 8 last year, I don't remember questioning your mental health.

Clark: I hadn't just spent seven weeks at Belle Reve.

Lex: According to my doctors I'm cured. But apparently, a clean bill of health isn't good enough for Clark Kent.

Lex: Summerholt is a highly respected institution.

Lionel: Respected? Lex, this Garner character operates on the outer fringes of accepted science.

Lex: Well, then you should feel right at home.

Lillian: I don't want to hold him.

Lionel: Lillian, it's unnatural for a mother not to want to bond with her child. Please... I will not let you inflict psychological scars on my children.

Lillian: That's why they have you, Lionel.

Lex: I told you to let it go, but you kept pursuing it. You even involved my father.

Clark: Yeah, well, believe me, Lex. He's the last person I'd ask for help, but I didn't have any other options.

Lex: He betrayed you, Clark. He stopped my sessions with Garner by offering you up as a lab rat. I've tried to keep my father away from you, but he's obsessed. If I'd got back those seven weeks, I could've finally stopped him.

Clark: Maybe, Lex. Or maybe you'd make it worse. You're always telling me how you don't want to turn into your father, and I truly believe that. But the more you two go at each other, the more like him you become. And the more people get hurt.

Lex: I will never become my father. I would never sacrifice you or anybody I cared about to bring him down.

Clark: Lex... why does your father hate you so much?

Talisman[edit]

[3.20]

Pete: [on the phone] Why won't you listen to me? I told you I don't want to talk about it!

Chloe: Note to self: Forward all telemarketing calls to Pete.

Clark: Did you do this?

Lex: What possible reason would I have to ransack the office of an obscure teaching assistant?

Clark: Then tell me why you're here.

Lex: You first.

Clark: Jeremiah was gonna help me with a term paper.

Lex: Term paper. So your visit doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he went ballistic in the caves last night and absconded with a sacred Kawatche artifact.

Clark: I didn't know.

Lex: I'm surprised. I mean, you usually keep such a close eye on everything that happens in the caves... for those term papers you're always writing.

Clark: I know you want to believe it, but I'm not your savior. I mean, did you ever think that Jeremiah really is Naman? He has all the abilities foretold in the prophecy, and he's gonna try and kill Segeeth.

Willowbrook: True. But he did not fall from the sky in a rain of fire. Jeremiah's desperate to be someone he's not. And you are desperate not be someone you are.

Clark: Professor, I may be confused about who I am, but one thing I'm not is a killer.

Willowbrook: You'd be surprised what you're capable of when the time comes.

Clark: It also means the prophecy came true. The blade glowed and disintegrated when they touched it, which means either Lionel or Lex is my greatest enemy.

Martha: Did you see which one grabbed it first?

Clark: No. But I don't need a blade to tell me that Lionel Luthor is a bad person.

Martha: If you're going to believe this legend, you have to face the possibility that it could be Lex.

Clark: I'm not ready to do that.

Jonathan: Clark, the Kawatche think that you're a savior. Jor-El wants you to be a conqueror. Now, knife or not, you can't let other people tell you what to be.

Clark: Who do you think I'll become?

Jonathan: I don't know. You can be the world's greatest hero or its most mild-mannered citizen, but the only person who can write your story, is you.

Forsaken[edit]

[3.21]

Clark: You sound like Lex. He thinks I'm the reason Lana's leaving.

Pete: Well, I hate to agree with Uncle Fester, but I don't think Lana's going to Paris just to see the Mona Lisa.

Lana: Emily, you can't just force someone to be your friend. It's something that happens over time when you trust each other.

Emily: I know what a friend is. A friend is someone who would stand up for you and protect you. A friend is someone who would jump in a river to save you from drowning, even if it meant they had to give up their own life for you. You don't need to tell me what it means to be a friend.

Lana: Then you know that a friend would never keep me locked up in here.

Emily: Get used to it. I did.

Clark: What happened to you?

Pete: FBI agent decided to go off payroll, wanted to know about you. Don't worry, I didn't tell him anything.

Clark: I should have been there.

Pete: That's just it. You can't always be there. I gotta look out for myself. I just thought you should know they're onto you.

Clark: Thanks for the warning.

Pete: Clark, the FBI isn't who I'm really warning you about. Lex was there. He's the one who pulled the Fed off me.

Clark: He's investigating his father, not me.

Pete: That doesn't matter. He knows. Now, I'm not exactly sure how much, but he's not gonna stop until he's got everything. Clark you've got to keep an eye on him. Look out for yourself.

Pete: I'm moving to Wichita with my mom.

Clark: No, Pete. I thought that... What about senior year? Pete, you can't do this because of me.

Pete: I know that I told you keeping your secret wasn't hard. But I lied. I walk around every day afraid that I'm gonna slip up.

Clark: Well, why didn't you tell me sooner?

Pete: Because you needed a friend. And so did I.

Clark: You don't have to move away. You don't have to change your whole life. There's got to be a way. No one even has to know we're friends.

Pete: There's a lot of things that I can handle. But I could never live with myself if I betrayed you.

Lionel: "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Is that what you expect from me? Forgiveness?

Lex: Don't try to make me out as your own personal Judas. I didn't come here for forgiveness. I came here to congratulate you on sweeping another mishap under the rug. Emily Dinsmore.

Lionel: Ah, yes, Emily Dinsmore. I should've remembered. You should've warned them. Belle Reve has a habit of misplacing its patients. The details. I've always tried to teach you, Lex. The devil is in the details. If you don't pay attention to the details, he'll win.

Lex: Then it's a good thing I'm a fast learner. You went through all the trouble of having your own son committed to an asylum and shooting 600 volts of electricity through his body just to cover up your trespasses, but like I said, Dad, you've gotten careless.

Covenant[edit]

[3.22]

Lex: You knew all along my father murdered his parents, didn't you? And you never told me... I always assumed there was a tacit agreement among friends to share that kind of information with each other.

Clark: Not when it can get your friend killed. Lex, your father threw you into a mental institution and fried your brain. If you found that out all over again, I thought he might kill you, and I couldn't live with that.

Lex: You're a good friend, Clark. If you tell the judge what you just told me, my father will be exchanging his Armani for an orange jumpsuit.

Kara: [to Jonathan] Tell Kal-El what you did.

Clark: What kind of deal did you make, Dad?

Jonathan: I promised Jor-El that if he gave me the power to bring you back from Metropolis, that one day I would return you to him.

Martha: Jonathan, you didn't do that...

Jonathan: Martha, I had no idea it was going to be this soon.

Kara: I told you, Kal-El. They'll always betray you. Even the man you call your father.

Martha: She killed a man, Jonathan. We have to call the sheriff.

Jonathan: What are we gonna tell the sheriff, sweetheart, that a Kryptonian girl vaporized a federal agent?

Kara: Come with me, Kal-El. Come home.

Clark: This is my home.

Kara: I know it seems that way. But sooner or later, everyone you know here will lie, betray, or leave you.

Clark: No matter what you say, I'll never go with you.

Lex: There's so much of my own life I can't explain. I've survived countless brushes with death, and it all started with this car crash. If I'm guilty of anything, it's that I've inherited my father's eccentric curiosity for the unexplained.

Clark: You've inherited his dishonesty.

Lex: Clark, look me in the eye and tell me you don't have any hidden places of your own where you keep your deep, dark secrets.

Clark: Ever since I've met you, I've been defending you, making excuses for you to people like Pete, like my parents. Telling them, "You can trust Lex Luthor. He's a good guy. He's nothing like his father." I was wrong.

Season 4[edit]

Crusade[edit]

[4.01]

Clark [as Kal-El]: I am fine.

Lois: You've just been hit by lightning, you're stark naked, and you don't even remember your own name. You have a fairly loose definition of "fine."

[Clark turns to face Lois.]

Lois: [to herself] Look at his face... I have a blanket in the trunk.

Lois: Guess I'm a sucker for stray dogs and naked men. [Martha stares] Okay, that didn't come out right...

Lois: Look, I didn't come here fishing for thanks. I think Clark might know something about my cousin Chloe's death.

Martha: I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lois: Yeah. Were she and Clark ever an item?

Martha: Oh, I think for a minute...

Lois: It's funny, I never thought she'd fall for the farm boy type.

Martha: Trust me, that can happen to the best of us.

Lois: Not me. Give me a nerd with glasses any day of the week.

Martha: Clark has many sides.

Lois: Yeah, I've seen several of them already.

Clark [as Kal-El]: I am Kal-El of Krypton. It's time to fulfill my destiny.

Martha: Destiny?! That's Jor-El talking! He did this to you! I want my son back! Give me my son back!

Clark [as Kal-El]: Clark Kent is dead.

Bridget Crosby: Martha, I can help you if you'll let me. Now, where's your son?

Martha: I don't know... He flew. He flew away.

Bridget Crosby: So he's- He has completely embraced his Kryptonian destiny.

Martha: Do you know what that destiny is?

Bridget Crosby: No, but the symbol burned into your field three months ago? That's the Kryptonian symbol for "Crusade."

[Bumps into Lana]

Jason: Oh, sorry. Your American, right?

Lana: Yes.

Jason: Great. Can I ask you a big favour?

Lana: Sure...as long as it doesn't get me arrested.

Jason: No, I'm supposed to meet my, uh, my girlfriend here. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, even though we spend every waking moment together. See, we met two months ago today on this exact street corner, and I bought her something to mark the occasion. I wanted to get your opinion.

Lana: All right.

Jason: Okay.

[He takes a biking helmet out of his bag]

Lana: Well, I think that would probably be the last thing she would be expecting.

Jason: It doesn't really scream "romance" does it? But, see, the first time we met, I was driving by on my Vespa, and I clipped her. She thought I was gonna steal her purse so she kicked me off my bike. I messed up an old football injury and then she spent five hours with me at the hospital and we just clicked.

Lana: Well, it sounds like love at first crash.

Jason: Yeah. Well, for me it was anyway, but I'm just an impulsive kind of guy.

Lana: Well, how does she feel?

Jason: I don't know. She doesn't really talk about it. I think she, uh, I think she got hurt by somebody, but maybe she needs to talk about it.

Lana: Well, uh, nothing says "I love you" like a motorcycle helmet.

Jason: Yeah. It's for a weekend trip to Nice if she's... if she's interested.

Lana: If a guy did something that romantic for me, I think I'd have to kiss him.

Jason: Yeah?

Lana: Yeah.

[They kiss]

Gone[edit]

[4.02]

Clark: None of this would've happened if I had been there.

Lois: Okay, Commando, I don't get you. Half the time, you're all meek "Yes, Ma" and "Yes, Pa", and the other half, you are the most overconfident guy I've ever met.

Clark: It doesn't happen to you much, does it? Not being able to peg someone right away?

Lois: Oh, get over yourself. You are not that complicated.

Clark: Um... we usually take turns in the bathroom.

Lois: Oh, don't start with me, Smallville. You're the one taking the marathon shower. Besides, my delicate feminine sensibilities weren't offended the first time I got a glimpse of, uh, Clark Junior.

Clark: My parents kind of missed the whole Woodstock phase. Besides, they freaked out the last time they caught me in a co-ed situation.

Lois: Last time? So the eagle scout does have a few secrets in the closet.

Lois: Wow, she didn't take any prisoners, did she? Lana? Cute, smart, gutsy... and way too much for you to handle. I can see why you're in love with her.

Clark: Look, you're really not the person I want to talk to about this.

Lois: Suit yourself.

Clark: It's just... I knew she'd be dating other people.

Lois: But?

Clark: I just don't understand how you could feel like you know someone so completely, like you know everything about them, and then just all of a sudden...

Lois: You don't even know what continent they're on.

Clark: [frustrated] Do you always have to finish people's thoughts?

Lois: [equally frustrated] Well, am I right?

Lex: Does this mean you're talking to me again?

Clark: Only because I don't have a choice.

Lex: Relegated from friend to last resort. I guess I'll have to accept it if it's my only chance to prove myself.

Clark: Good. 'Cause I want you to help me find Chloe.

Lex: Look, I'd like to set things straight between us, Clark, but don't you think raising someone from the grave is setting the bar a little high?

Jonathan: Clark, as much as I hate to admit this, Lex had a hand in this too. He did make good on his promise to protect Chloe.

Clark: And look what he got out of it. Control of LuthorCorp. Look, I'm sorry, but it's gonna take a lot more than that for me to get to trust him again.

Martha: Ever since he met you, he's been surrounded by things he can't explain. We can't really blame him for trying to find the truth.

Clark: The truth is, he's been lying to me from day one. The legend on the cave wall says I'm destined to have an enemy. All this time, I've been worried about Lionel. But I'm beginning to think that the real threat was right in front of me. I think it's Lex.

Façade[edit]

[4.03]

Lois: Nice arm, farm boy. When's the first game?

Clark: I'm not on the team.

Lois: Why not? An arm like that is a "Get out of geek free" pass.

Clark: Well, even if I wanted to play-

Lois: Which obviously you do.

Clark: That wouldn't be the reason. Thanks, I don't really consider myself a geek.

Lois: So, what do you see yourself as?

Clark: I don't know. An outsider, I guess.

Lois: That's a recipe for wedgies if I've ever heard one.

Clark: [sarcastic] Have I told you how much I'm gonna miss you?

Chloe: Five credits in one semester? Lois, the only way you're gonna do that is if you add an extracurricular to your class list. Like, say, maybe... writing for the Torch.

Lois: Uh, no hard feelings here, cuz, but unlike you, the last thing I want to be is a reporter.

Chloe: Yeah, God. What could be worse than, you know, uncovering the truth and protecting the public?

Lois: And sticking your nose in other people's business.

Chloe: Like I said. You'd be perfect.

[Lois walks into the boy's locker room]

Clark: Hey, hey! The last time I checked, you were missing a few prerequisites for being in here.

Lois: So you have been checking me out.

Lana: I keep thinking of all the times that you've told me that I'm beautiful, and I can't help but wonder how much of me you really see.

Jason: Lana, I tell you you're beautiful because of who you are, not because of what I see. I mean, you're the girl I flew halfway across the world to be with. The girl who kicks the crap out of me at XBox and thinks it's hysterical. I mean, I have seen you with the stomach flu where your eyes were puffy and your nose was running, you're yakking-

Lana: Okay, okay. I get the picture.

Jason: All I'm saying is the reasons I love you... it's not something you can see in a mirror... That's good. I'm gonna write that down and use that later.

Jonathan: I guess practice ran late, huh?

Clark: Dad, I'm sorry I disappointed you. But I'm staying on the team. I'm tired of living my life on the sidelines.

Jonathan: I realize that, Clark. I also realize that you're a senior in high school, and from now on, you're gonna be making a lot of your own decisions. But if you want to be seen as an adult in this family, then you have to start acting like one. Adults in this family don't run off and do things without discussing them first.

Clark: I know. That's why I have just one question for you. You gonna let some assistant coach from Metropolis teach your boy how to play football?

Jonathan: ...Go deep.

Devoted[edit]

[4.04]

Chloe: [about Clark] Wow, superhero and journalist - what are the odds?

Lois: I'm glad you made the team, Clark, but why be a conformist? At least with the whole farm boy plaid thing, as lame as it is, it completely belongs to you.

Clark: In the future, let's restrict our conversations to "hello" and "goodbye."

Clark: Lex, if this friendship was so important, why'd you lie to me for so long?

Lex: I don't know, Clark. There's a darkness in me that I can't always control. I'm starting to think that's my curse, why every relationship I have ends badly.

Clark: We all have a dark side, Lex.

Lex: Yeah. But I can feel mine creeping over the corners. Your friendship helps keep it at bay. It reminds me that there are truly good people in the world. I'm not willing to give up on that.

Clark: What's that?

Lex: The Porsche you pulled me out of the day we met.

Clark: Why is it still here?

Lex: To remind me of what I almost lost. It's over, Clark. It really is. Look, I'm willing to give this friendship another shot if you are.

Clark: In the spirit of friendship, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem.

Lex: Absolutely. What is it?

Clark: Well, it's a who. Lois Lane.

Lois: You know, if I could describe my time here in one word, it would be "weird." I look forward to the relative normalcy of the big city. But don't worry. I'll visit.

Clark: Is that a promise or a threat?

Run[edit]

[4.05]

Bart (Flash): [to Clark] You know, I've always wondered if there was anyone out there like me, and it turns out to be you, Jimmy Crack Corn fresh from the farm.

Bart: You know what, man? Enough about poor little street urchin, all right? Let's take a closer look at the mysterious Clark Kent... You like to study Native American mythology. You've scrawled the name "Lana" on your notebooks, and you have one of the most boring hobbies known to man. Rock collecting.

Clark: I don't collect r-

[Bart opens a lead box with Kryptonite in it]

Bart: Dude, are you okay?

Clark: Put that away. I'm allergic.

Bart: Man, I've heard of people sneezing around cats and dogs and stuff, but never getting all weak in the knees over a rock.

Clark: It's a long story.

Bart: Which is one I'm sure I would love to hear... after we get back.

Clark: Get back from where?

Bart: Anywhere we want. I mean, dude, we are two super-powered studs here. Why else do you think I came to Smellyville looking for you, man? Let's go crank it up, go have some fun! You ever seen Florida?

Clark: You haven't been listening to anything I've said to you. You can't go around stealing whatever you want.

Bart: Why not?

Clark: Because there are laws.

Bart: For normal people. And, dude, why do you treat your abilities like a curse? They're not, man. They're a gift. I'm gonna use them.

Clark: I'm not saying you shouldn't. Just use them to help people, not hurt them.

Clark: I just came by to see if you were all right. I heard you had some trouble in Metropolis.

Lex: News travels fast.

Clark: Curse of a small town. So what happened?

Lex: I decided to play cowboy and got my spurs handed to me. To be honest, I don't know why I'm not dead.

Clark: There must be someone watching over you.

Lex: In more ways than one.

Clark: So, what are you gonna do now?

Bart: I don't know. I mean, it's a big world. I figure I'd check it out, see if there's anyone else out there like us. Maybe start, like, a club or a league or something. You know, you could come with me.

Clark: Or you could stay.

Bart: You have a great life, Clark. But it's not mine. I have no reason to stay in Smallville.

Clark: You have me.

Bart: Thanks for being my friend.

Clark: Are you sure there's nothing I can do to change your mind?

Bart: Tell you what. If you can catch me... I'll think about it.

Transference[edit]

[4.06]

Lex: Clark, you don't seem like your usual self. You barely said a word the entire ride home.

Lionel [in Clark]: Sorry. Being in that prison... I guess it upset me.

Lex: Yeah, well, it isn't exactly the happiest place on earth.

Lionel [in Clark]: No, it isn't, Lex. Do you ever feel guilty? Sending your father to prison, I mean.

Lex: Why would I? The man murdered his parents. I did society a favor.

Lionel [in Clark]: And that blood relationship, it doesn't mean anything to you?

Lex: Clark, since when did you become president of my father's fan club?

Lionel [in Clark]: You're right. Of course. He's only your father. Why should you feel anything?

Lionel [in Clark]: I have to confess that I... I find you absolutely fascinating. It's that twinkle in your eye... your wonderfully sexy smile... and your skin is...

Chloe: Clark, what are you doing?

Lionel [in Clark]: What I've wanted to do for a very... very long time. [leans to kiss her, then pulls away] Don't you wish.

Lionel [in Clark]: What do you think? I wanted to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule, Mr. Luthor. I understand how time-consuming making license plates can be... You're not gonna touch me with that rock in your hand. You won't get near me, not with my... speed.

Clark [in Lionel]: You're never gonna get away with this.

Lionel [in Clark]: Oh, but I am. With my mind and your body, the sky's the limit, Clark.

Clark [in Lionel]: I don't know what you're talking about.

Lionel [in Clark]: You know, it's becoming clear to me why you're so secretive. You understand that true power... is better left concealed.

Clark [in Lionel]: I know this is hard to believe, but I swear, it's the truth. [Pause.] It's me, Mom. It's Clark.

Martha: You're sick, Lionel. You need help.

Clark [in Lionel]: Mom, you have to believe me.

Martha: I'm leaving!

Clark [in Lionel]: Mom, Mom, no! Mom, remember when I was six and I was playing tag with Dad, and all of a sudden I started running faster than I'd ever run before, and I was in the middle of Palmer woods completely lost. And you and Dad had to call Sheriff Ethan, and when you saw me, you started crying. And I thought something was wrong with me, and you said no, there wasn't. And then you held me in your arms and you told me I was just special. I'm your special boy, you said.

Lex: Stay where you are!

Clark: Lex, it's me, Clark. I need to talk to you.

Lex: After I drove my Porsche into the river and you fished me out, I asked your dad if there was any way I could repay him. What did he say that we always joke about?

Clark: Lex, what is this, a pop quiz?

Lex: Answer the question!

Clark: He told you to drive slower.

Lex: Welcome back.

Jinx[edit]

[4.07]

Clark: Dad, I know you don't agree with me. But sometimes taking responsibility means having faith in yourself to make the hard choices.

Jonathan: And it also means being willing to accept the consequences.

Clark: Every handshake, every hug, every time I'm out on that field, I make a conscious decision to fall when those guys hit me so they don't get hurt. No matter how hard you try, you can't understand that. That's why it's my decision, not yours.

Jonathan: You're starting to sound more and more like your father.

Clark: I hope so, Dad.

Jason: His collarbone's broken in two places... I can't figure out how you could pummel a guy that outweighs you by 100 pounds and shatter his collarbone.

Clark: I'm sorry. It must've been an accident. I mean, I got a surge of adrenaline.

Jason: Adrenaline doesn't explain the fact that you went from chucking bales of hay to chucking 60-yard passes overnight.

Clark: I guess I'm a fast learner.

Chloe: It's all right, Clark. You can stay.

Clark: I thought you had some self-imposed restraining order against me. Does this mean you're talking to me again?

Chloe: No, this just means that I'm willing to take a chance on getting your Dr. Jekyll side today.

Clark: I know Lana. She's never been this serious about anyone.

Lex: You sound awfully concerned about that for someone who let her walk out of his life.

Clark: Yeah, I guess the whole "If you love them set them free" thing kind of backfired.

Lex: It's not about love, Clark. It's about what you're willing to do for it. On that field, you'll do whatever it takes to win, but if you're not willing to do the same for Lana, maybe she doesn't mean as much to you as you think.

Clark: I sure hope you had better luck with the locusts than I did with Lex.

Chloe: The last time I checked, they weren't selling biblical plagues on Amazon.

Spell[edit]

[4.08]

Clark: Hey, Dad!

Jonathan: Hey, Clark. Son, is there maybe a little something you'd like to tell your mother and me?

[Jonathan holds up bra]

Martha: Where did that come from?

Jonathan: From out in the barn. In the hay.

Martha: Clark...

Clark: It was magic.

Martha: I'm sure it was...

Clark: Isabelle was... aggressively sexy.

Lana: Oh great, possessed by an evil slut...

Briana [in Lois]: I'm gorgeous! [touching her chest] Look at these!

Isabelle [in Lana]: [uninterested] Yes. They're very nice.

Isabelle [in Lana]: We don't have time for this.

Madeleine [in Chloe]: Time is the only thing we do have. Isn't that what you said right before the angry mob set us on fire?

Isabelle [in Lana]: You're really not gonna let that go, are you?

Lex: You leave quite a path of destruction.

Lana: Lex. I was going to come see you.

Lex: Preemptive strike. Just in case there was any evil dead action still brewing.

Bound[edit]

[4.09]

Lex: I didn't kill her.

Corinne: I didn't ask. Lex, you're paying me to get you off, not to prove you're innocent. But you're gonna have to be straight with me. Were you drinking last night?

Lex: Yes. At the fundraiser in the hotel. We had champagne.

Corinne: Is it possible that you were drugged?

Lex: Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Lionel: How's Lex? I've been trying to contact him since I heard, but he won't speak to me.

Clark: He thinks you're trying to frame him. Are you?

Lionel: No, Clark.

Clark: Why should I believe you?

Lionel: There's no reason you should. Listen to me. I was ill, Clark. The liver disease I had was a death sentence. And something happened. I can't explain it. I woke up on the floor. There was a riot. I felt as if a different kind of energy had been inside me. Something strong and... good. I was changed. And my liver had healed.

Clark: What was it?

Lionel: I don't know. All I can say was... it was miraculous. I could see the darkness, the destructive power that had always been inside me. I can see it in Lex now.

Clark: I thought Lex's attorneys would have all this under lock and key.

Chloe: Yeah, well, she may know people at the top, but I know people at the bottom, and they work for tips.

Clark: How long is this gonna continue, Lex?

Lex: I don't know. What do you want me to tell you?

Clark: I don't want you to tell me anything. I want you to change.

Lex: I don't know if I can.

Clark: You know, it seems the only person you care about is yourself. There's a whole side of you that I don't know about, Lex. And what else don't I know about you?

Lex: You don't know that every day, I wonder why I keep going. Why I do the things I do. You know, Shannon might have been crazy, but she was right about me. I treated those women terribly, Clark. People died, and I could've stopped it. I see that now.

Clark: Well, that's a start.

Lex: You know, there was a moment the other night when that fire she set was coming towards me. I thought, good. It would save the world a lot of grief. But somehow, the fire went out. And she was lying on the floor. And suddenly, I had a second chance.

Clark: The last few days, Lex, I thought your father was being more honest with me than you were. And I hated that feeling. I felt like we were enemies.

Lex: Don't give up on me yet.

Scare[edit]

[4.10]

Stall: I hope I didn't separate you from your flock.

Lionel: I understand your cynicism, Warden Stall, but I assure you I truly am a changed man.

Stall: Oh. Or just a smart one. You know, ever since you proclaimed this sudden conversion to our resident St. Paul, there hasn't been a single attempt on your life.

Lionel: I want only to be of help to others. What is the value of my sinful life unless I use it as an example to shepherd fellow sinners, to lead them away from the allure of hedonism, mistrust, and greed? To follow a better way?

Lionel: I'm guilty. Not of the crime I've been imprisoned for, but... so many other crimes which should've landed me in here years ago. This is where I belong. It's where I can do the most good.

Stall: You want to stay in prison?

Lionel: Yes, I do. I've found my... my mission in life.

Stall: Contrary to your deluded point of view, this is not the Ritz Carlton where you can check in and check out at your leisure. Somebody did you a favor by getting you out of this place. I'd say be grateful.

Lionel: But who? Who could do that?

Stall: Obviously someone more powerful than you.

Martha: I hope our own fears haven't gotten in your way. I would hate for you to look back and regret not telling the people closest to you. I mean, there is a chance Lana would understand.

Clark: There is. But what if she didn't?

Jonathan: Clark, look, I'm not sure that it's Lana, but I am sure that someday there'll be someone you can tell.

Clark: I've seen you worked up before, but this is more than amped, even for you.

Chloe: I guess it's just displaced anxiety. I found my mom, Clark.

Clark: Wow. That's... Chloe, that's great.

Chloe: Yeah, I mean I put my feelers out for years, and something, three months ago, finally came through. So it turns out she's not exactly MIA, so to speak. She's in a mental institution.

Clark: I'm sorry.

Chloe: The real kicker is it's hereditary.

Clark: Listen, hey. If there's one thing that I've learned it's that you're not destined to follow in your parents footsteps, all right?

Chloe: So, popular question of the day. What is Clark Kent's worst nightmare?

Clark: When I woke up. Everyone that I knew was gone. I was completely alone.

Chloe: I wish I could say that I'll always be there for you, but somehow I get the feeling that may not be a promise I can keep. You were the only one who came out of it, Clark, and I don't think it's because you've been taking your vitamins... Look, you know what? You don't have to tell me. I know that I gave you my word that I was going to stop all this prying but... In these last few months, I really got a taste of what it was like to keep my mom's secret, and I've never felt more alone.

Clark: It's weird when people think they're so close to you but have no idea what you're really going through.

Chloe: Yeah. I'd hate to live my whole life like this. But after 'fessing up, it's amazing how quickly that feeling of loneliness disappears. I mean, if you can't tell your best friend, who can you tell? Right, Clark?

Unsafe[edit]

[4.11]

Minister: We are gathered here to join this happy couple in holy matrimony. Marriage, as you know, is a union that should not be entered into lightly.

Clark: Yeah, yeah, skip to the good stuff, Pops.

Minister: Oh, all right, do you, Clark Kent, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Clark: Hell, yes!

Alicia: Good thing you've got buns of steel. You might be impervious to the cold, but I'm turning into a Popsicle.

Clark: Well, I do have heat vision.

Clark: You drugged me!

Alicia: No, it's not- I just didn't know what else to do because I couldn't stay, and I couldn't leave without you so I just thought you could listen to your heart instead of your head for once.

Clark: Look, you don't even see what you did was wrong! What's the matter with you?

Alicia: Clark, you could've hooked up with any girl you wanted and you chose me. Why do you think that is?

Clark: You dosed me with red kryptonite! It makes me do things I don't want to do!

Alicia: No, I don't think that rock forces you to do anything, Clark! Maybe it dampens your inhibitions, but Clark Kent got himself into this situation, okay? Clark Kent asked me to marry him. Clark Kent brought me up to this hotel room to make love to me.

Clark: Well, maybe Clark Kent made a mistake.

Alicia: I'm so sorry about what I did to you, Clark. I just didn't want to lose the one good thing in my life.

Clark: I'm not so sure that drugging me was the best way to preserve the relationship... I wanted you with or without that rock.

Alicia: Past tense noted.

Martha: I'm upset. But more than that, I'm disappointed.

Clark: I was on red kryptonite, Mom.

Martha: My God, you ran off with a girl you barely know and got married.

Clark: It wasn't legal.

Martha: That's not even the point. Marriage is sacred, Clark. It's about two people who trust each other and are willing to go through life together no matter how difficult it gets. I thought we had taught you that! You're an amazing young man, Clark. You make life and death decisions every day. But then you turn around and you do this. Why did you do it?

Clark: Mom, there's a part of me that never feels freer than when I'm with Alicia. She makes me feel normal and special at the same time.

Martha: I know how badly you want to be with somebody. I want that for you too. I guess I just expected you to use better judgment.

Pariah[edit]

[4.12]

Chloe: Lois, if you found out something, something someone didn't want you to know about them, would you tell them?

Lois: That depends. Is that person someone you care about?

Chloe: Yeah.

Lois: And does keeping the secret hurt anyone?

Chloe: No.

Lois: Then my answer is no. If I really cared about that person, I wouldn't tell them that I knew. But I would go out of my way to be supportive of them so that hopefully, one day, they would be comfortable enough to tell me themselves.

Clark: Alicia didn't do this. Ever since she was released from Belle Reve, she's been wearing her lead bracelet. It prevents her from using her abilities.

Lois: And did she also happen to be wearing anything low-cut when she spun you that tale, 'cause I'm not sure you're thinking with your big brain here.

Chloe: Clark, just because Alicia says that the bracelet keeps her from teleporting doesn't mean that it's the truth.

Clark: She was with me when Lana got attacked. I was saying good night in Grandville.

Chloe: Yeah, but every second? You have to admit that she can transport easier than Captain Kirk.

Lois: And she did try to carve herself a Jack-O-Lana before, cut and dry. Emphasis on the "cut."

Jonathan: Son, your girlfriend has problems and this relationship is not healthy. Why can't you see that?

Clark: You always told me to look for the good in people, to believe in them. And Alicia deserves a second chance.

Martha: What I don't understand is why do you continue to see her, knowing how we feel?

Clark: She kept my secret. She got shot protecting me. What else does she have to do to prove herself?

Clark: Everybody thinks it's you.

Alicia: Why, because of my powers? Because I'm a freak? You know what, Clark? Maybe if everybody knew your secret, you'd be a suspect too.

Alicia: [reading] "Can Any Cell Hold Her?" Probably not.

Chloe: Alicia, what are you doing here?

Alicia: Chloe Sullivan, ace reporter. You write all these articles about the people you call freaks and you don't even realize that someone close to you is one of them. Why are you ignoring what's right in front of your face, Chloe? Don't you want to know the truth about Clark Kent?

Recruit[edit]

[4.13]

Chloe: How did you post bail?

Lois: Four very good friends of mine. Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover.

Clark: Lois, I don't think this is the best time.

Lois: And when would be the best time, Clark, when I'm on the chain gang?

Clark: [to Geoff] I'm sorry. She's under a lot of stress lately.

Lois: No. Stress is when you're stuck in traffic or you have a midterm for a class you've never been to. I'm out on bail and looking to be locked up for manslaughter.

Clark: I want to believe that I can go out there and play football like any normal college kid, but the fact is, I have powers that no other athlete has. Coop was right. It's not fair that Geoff was out there on that field, just like it's not fair when I'm out there competing. So I've decided to give up football.

Martha: Clark... I know how difficult it is to give up something you love.

Jonathan: But this decision you've made son, it shows integrity well beyond your years.

Clark: Then why don't I feel good about it?

Clark: So what're you gonna do? Are you gonna go stay with Chloe?

Lois: They've got a tiny one-bedroom apartment. I can't do that to them. It's fine, really, I'm just gonna check into a motel and when the money runs out, I can always sleep in my car. The backseat's not too bad if you bend your knees and avoid the drive train and then, you know, if I have to sell my car for food, that's okay too. I've always dreamed of being a hobo, riding the rails, cooking beans over roadside fires...

Clark: If you want, I guess you can stay with us.

Lois: You're a lifesaver! God, am I in need of a hot shower! Don't worry, Smallville. I'll try to keep it under a half hour.

Clark: What just happened?

Chloe: I'm proud of you, Clark.

Clark: You're proud of me? Why?

Chloe: I just have a feeling that you're destined to do a lot more in this world than just score touchdowns.

Clark: Chloe, you've been saying a lot of weird things to me lately. What makes you think I'm destined to do anything?

Chloe: Just a hunch.

Krypto[edit]

[4.14]

Clark: Just playing with Skippy here.

Lois: We're not gonna call him Skippy.

Clark: Okay, Lois, what would you like to call him?

Lois: Let's see. He's annoying, and I can't seem to get within ten feet of him without getting sick... I think we should call him Clarkie.

Clark: We found this dog.

Lois: Actually, I found him. Well, hit him actually. Not hard. We call him Clarkie.

Clark: We don't call him Clarkie.

Lois: Is it the "ie" part you don't like? Because we could always just make it Clark. But then that would get really confusing, and hey, maybe you should consider changing your name. You could be Skipper.

Clark: Lois, call the police. I'm gonna see if I can catch up with these guys.

Lois: Hold on there, Forrest Gump. What are you gonna do, run? We brought my car, remember?

Clark: Lois, look-

Lois: Unh-unh. We can call the cops on the way. You are so weird sometimes.

Clark: [later, in the car] You know, can you go a little bit faster?

Lois: Hey, you were gonna be hoofing it about ten minutes ago. Besides, I don't want to hit anything.

Lois: I thought bathing him was supposed to help with my allergies.

Clark: Well, maybe you're allergic to the soap too.

Lois: Maybe I'm allergic to you.

Sacred[edit]

[4.15]

Clark: I was just trying to figure out if hidden temples and body-snatching witches fits under community service or extracurriculars.

Jor-El: I knew you would return, my son.

Clark: Why'd you send me to find this?

Jor-El: Because you may be the last survivor of a great civilization.

Clark: A great civilization that destroyed itself!

Jor-El: As will yours if you continue to refuse your mission. The knowledge of our civilization was encoded in three stones brought to Earth and hidden at the far reaches of the world. Greed will drive others to hunt the stones. But if the humans should unite them before you, they will not be able to withstand the temptation and will drive the world to famine, war, and the Earth's ultimate destruction. You must find the other two stones. The fate of your world lies in your hands... Kal-El.

Clark: Lana, what's going on?

Lana: Which part? The immaculate tattoo, the fact that I seem to be a harboring a 16th century witch, or that Jason and Lex took off with a map to uncover it all behind my back?

Clark: Why would they do that?

Lana: I don't know, but Jason said that we were gonna figure this out together. But it turns out he has a rather limited definition of "we."

Clark: Lana, whatever their motives are, I'm sure they still care about you.

Lana: That still doesn't change the fact that everybody seems to know more about me than I do.

Clark: It must be scary to think that someone out there has a plan for you, but you don't know what it is yet.

Lionel: You have a ferocious desire to find all the answers, son, but don't let your search for those stones turn into your personal Tower of Babel.

Lex: I'm not trying to get closer to God, Dad. I'm trying to solve the riddles He's laid out for me.

Lionel: Did you ever think there might be a reason why we weren't given the answers?

Lex: To challenge us?

Lionel: Or maybe to humble us. Knowledge comes from finding the answers, yes, but understanding what the answers mean is what brings wisdom. Men who didn't understand the difference have been the ruin of some of the world's greatest civilizations.

Lex: Is that why you stopped looking for the stones? Because you're afraid?

Lionel: No. No, I stopped because I realized that even if I find the three stones, I'm not gonna find what I'm really looking for. Neither will you.

Lucy[edit]

[4.16]

Clark: So, Lucy, Lois has told us absolutely nothing about you.

Lucy: Well there's not much to tell.

Lois: Oh, please. Let me gloat. She is getting straight A's at one of the most prestigious prep schools in Europe, she is fluent in three languages, and she is fending off Ivy League colleges with a stick.

Clark: Wow, that's impressive. What happened to Lois?

Lois: You're gonna find that Clark's charm is an acquired taste, much like his sense of fashion.

Lex: Two Lanes under one roof. That's got to be interesting.

Clark: Well, I haven't had a hot shower in two days, and the laundry machine is running nonstop, the phone line is consistently busy. No, it's nice having them around. I mean, it kind of takes the loneliness out of the house.

Lex: Yeah, I always hated the sound of a quiet home.

Clark: I knew you had talents, but I didn't think burglary was one of them.

Lucy: I swear I was gonna pay it all back. I'm not some criminal.

Clark: You do a pretty good job of impersonating one. Look, Lucy, I just don't get it. I mean, why?

Lucy: Do you have any idea what it's like to be different from everyone else? To be a total outsider?

Clark: I might have an idea.

Clark: Lex, do you ever miss not having a sibling?

Lex: I used to... until I met you, Clark. You're closer to me than any... blood brother.

Lois: You're amazing, Smallville. You always look for the best in people even when they walk all over you.

Clark: I guess that explains why we're friends.

Lois: Oh, we're friends now?

Clark: Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't.

Onyx[edit]

[4.17]

Clark: Chloe, I was with Lex. We went to the lab together.

Chloe: Which would be about the same time I was talking to Lex outside Dr. Sinclair's room.

Clark: Well, that's impossible.

Chloe: Not in Smallville. You of all people should know that.

Lionel: What's going on? What the hell are you doing?

Alexander: Seizing the moment, Dad. Just like you taught me. Now, what's your problem with me this time, old man?

Lionel: It was your offer to hold a fundraiser at LuthorCorp Plaza, then you go behind my back and cancel the whole thing. Why would you do that?

Alexander: "Because helping those who refuse to help themselves is a waste of time and money, son!" Isn't that what the old Lionel Luthor used to say?

Lionel: I've changed. People change, Lex.

Alexander: No, they don't. They just get soft. Like you.

Clark: Where's Lex?

Alexander: He's standing right in front of you.

Clark: No, you're not him. The real Lex would never try to kill me or Chloe.

Alexander: No, you're probably right. But he's thought about it! All the times you've meddled in his plans, derailed his ambitions. He's thought about killing all of you. He just never had the guts to go through with it.

Clark: What are you?

Alexander: I was just about to ask you the same question.

Lex: Let's see what happens to me if you die!

Alexander: You can't kill me! I drive you. I give your life meaning. I'm your soul, you weak, pathetic little man! I'm the real Lex Luthor!

Lex: Look, whatever I've done in the last few days...

Lionel: Please, no need for an apology. Quite the contrary. I must say, you finally proved yourself to be the son I've always wanted, and I thank you for showing me so clearly the error of my ways.

Lex: What are you talking about?

Lionel: I'm closing down the foundation immediately.

Lex: What? You can't. The charity is your life.

Lionel: Just a foolish dream. I'm awake now. A man can't deny his true nature, can he, Lex? No. We're Luthors.

Spirit[edit]

[4.18]

Lois: Mrs. Kent, a lot of things are possible in this world, but there will be a man on Mars before Clark and I go to Prom together.

Dawn [in Martha]: So what, you two just get together and mack, but keep it on the down-low in public?

Clark: Mom!

Lois: I don't mean to be rude, Mrs. Kent, but did you crack open the cooking sherry?

Chloe: Well, we are in Smallville. And I mean, what would the Senior Prom be without a body-snatching Prom Queen?

Dawn [in Lois]: How do I look?

Clark: Looks like you're going to the Prom.

Dawn [in Lois]: I am. And you're taking me! I'm not going to let you sit around moping all night while your parents go out and do the electric boogaloo all night. It's gonna be fun.

Clark: No, I'm not going.

Dawn [in Lois]: Massive re-strategy. You're going to your senior Prom whether you like it or not. End of discussion. Put on your tux.

Clark: Lois, wasn't this not in the realm of possibilities?

Dawn [in Lois]: Anything is possible, Clark. Anything.

Lois: What the hell am I doing in a dress, and what the hell am I doing at your Prom?

Clark: Oh, no...

[Lois points to the corsage pinned to her dress]

Lois: Did you pin that on me?

Clark: I'll explain later, Lois.

Lois: A little close to the boob, don't you think?

Lois: Hey. You know, a year from now, this is all gonna seem like a lifetime ago.

Chloe: That's funny because it feels like just yesterday when he deserted that nervous freshman on the dance floor.

Lois: You're headed for Metropolis. You are destined to be a big shot reporter at the Daily Planet. Do you really picture Clark Kent being able to keep up with you?

Chloe: You know, Lois, I think Clark might have a lot more to offer than you realize.

Lois: I wouldn't bet on it.

Blank[edit]

[4.19]

Lois: Clark, you know that.

Chloe: Well, not so much. He has amnesia, and he's having a hard time—

Lois: Again?

Clark: What do you mean again?

Lois: Well, at least this time you got clothes on.

Chloe: I'm gonna go to the Torch and see what I can find out about amnesia.

Lois: Yeah, just leave Mr. Memory Reboot to me. I'm getting to be a pro at this. [to Clark] But you know what? You're gonna have to put up with PB and J because that's the extent of my culinary skills.

Chloe: [to Clark] Okay?

Clark: Please tell me I'm not related to her.

Chloe: No, I am. You live with her.

Clark: How did I do that?

Chloe: Why did I always picture myself on the other end of this conversation? Smallville was hit with the world's biggest meteor shower when you were little. Now, I know this sounds way out there, but some of the meteor rocks have had an extraterrestrial effect on certain people in the town, and it's my theory that you were one of them.

Clark: Extraterrestrial powers? You mean I'm some sort of alien?

Chloe: No. No, of course not.

Clark: A mutant?

Chloe: Uh... yeah... who has saved my life on more than one occasion. See, you've sort of taken it upon yourself to be Smallville's self-appointed hero. And if you ask me, I think that that is amazing.

Chloe: Hold on a minute, are you telling me that you can see through solid objects?

Clark: I guess that's one you didn't know about, huh?

Chloe: No, and that might be one of those abilities you're gonna want to keep a lid on.

Clark: You know, I've been thinking about that. You know, I don't know why I was worried so much about what people think. I don't know why I let it rule my life. I mean, you understood.

Chloe: Yeah, but Clark, unfortunately, some people in Smallville aren't as progressive as your post-amnesia tour guide.

Clark: That should be their problem, not mine.

Lois: How did he [Clark] get here?.

Chloe:[Loking at Clark talking to Lana] Looks like the heart remembers more than the brain.

Clark: So it must've been kind of strange to have a zombie best friend walking around.

Chloe: Yeah, I mean, you know, I never really realized how complicated that zombie's life was.

Clark: Complicated? Did I do something unusual?

Chloe: You had a clean slate to start all over with, and you made all the same choices... except for one.

Clark: Chloe, I need you to be completely honest with me.

Chloe: Honest, huh?

Clark: What'd I do?

Chloe: You trusted me.

Ageless[edit]

[4.20]

Adams: Last time I checked, babies don't just fall out of the sky, Mr. Kent.

Clark: It left a 30-foot crater, Sheriff. How else would you explain it?

Adams: Well, I can't. That's why we're conducting a little something called an investigation.

Lionel: You know, there were other treasure seekers in China, Genevieve.

Genevieve: A farm boy, an ex-cheerleader, and Lex Luthor. Who do you think ended up with the prize?

Lionel: Well, my son hasn't been listening to me. What do you want me to do, give him a good spanking?

Lionel: Parenthood. It's an interesting phenomenon, isn't it? The lengths we go to... to protect our children. No limits.

Genevieve: [choking] What have you done to me?

Lionel: The wine you've just drunk will kill you in a matter of minutes. I'm told that the pain will be excruciating. How about a trade? You give me the stone that you stole from Bridgette Crosby, and I give you... the antidote. One more thing... you go near my son, and anything that happens to him happens to you. Is that understood?

Jonathan: There is nothing quite like watching your son grow up into a young man you can be very proud of.

Clark: It's too bad I'll never know what that's like.

Martha: Why not?

Clark: I'm from another planet. I'm not even human. Who knows if I can have kids?

Martha: Clark, your father and I couldn't have children. We were still blessed with a son. You never know what the future will bring you.

Lex: I'm releasing our findings to every research facility across the globe. Evan's life may offer hope for generations to come.

Clark: He was a special kid, Lex. I can't help wondering what kind of man he would've become.

Lex: A good one... as long as you were in his life. I bet you're gonna be a great dad someday, Clark.

Clark: So will you, Lex.

Lex: I don't know about that. Look, we're all reflections of how we've been raised. Your parents gave you encouragement and support. Mine chose the opposite track. I plan on leaving a different kind of legacy.

Forever[edit]

[4.21]

Martha: I know what you're doing, Jonathan. You can't take the place of Clark on this farm, no one can. Every other farm in the county has at least five hands to help out.

Jonathan: Sweetheart, my family managed to run this farm for generations before Clark came around. I see no reason why I can't run it by myself.

Martha: Sometimes I wonder which one of you is more stubborn.

Jonathan: Why don't I give you a clue?

Jonathan: Martha, what exactly is it that you want me to do? You want me to tell our teenage son that we couldn't possibly survive around here without him? What kind of parents would that make us?

Martha: Honest ones. How many times has he asked be treated like an adult? This decision took a lot of maturity.

Jonathan: Or guilt. Martha, Clark still feels responsible for my heart problems. I'm not going to allow him to do this out of pity.

Martha: It's not pity, Jonathan. Clark knows that if he leaves, he can only come back a few times a year. And he doesn't want one of those times to be your funeral.

Lex: You're making a big mistake Jason. I know she's your mother but don't think for a second she won't turn on you. Trust me on this one.

Genevieve: Jason...

Jason: It's okay, Mother. I don't expect him to understand the meaning of family loyalty, especially when the only thing running through the Luthor blood is betrayal.

Genevieve: Lex, your father has one of the stones.

Lex: And what do you want from me?

Genevieve: I have a feeling that he'd sooner die than give up that stone. But all that might change if his own flesh and blood were at stake.

Lex: You obviously don't know my father as well as I do.

Genevieve: I hope for your sake you're wrong.

Clark: Dad, you raised me to make my own decisions. Why don't you trust me on this?

Jonathan: Because you are a lot like me. I had a full ride to Met. U. waiting for me when I graduated. Problem is, my father needed me on this farm. So I stayed.

Clark: Dad that's a pretty big footnote to leave out. Why didn't you tell me?

Jonathan: I didn't want it to weigh you down. As much as I loved my father, a part of me still resents him for needing me that much. I don't want you to feel that. That's not the kind of father I ever wanted to be.

Clark: Dad. This isn't about the kind of father you are. It's about the kind of son I want to be.

Covenant[edit]

[4.22]

Lois: I took this career test in some magazine - it said that my perfect job would be a radio disc jockey.

Clark: That makes sense. You talk enough. There won't be any dead air.

Lois: You mock me now Smallville, but you just wait and see.

Clark: Journalism. You ever thought about that? You wrote some half decent articles in your short lived career at the Torch.

Lois: Nah, kill me first. Even if I could spell, the last thing I'd wanna do is spend my time in a newsroom. With my luck I'd probably end up across the desk from the most bumbling reporter on the masthead.

Lois: I realize hand-eye coordination isn't one of your strong suits. Here, let me help you with that.

Clark: [annoyed] Lois, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do without you.

Lois: Oh, come on, Clark, your future is laid out right in front of you. You're going to go to community college, major in agriculture, probably minor in law enforcement. And then you and Lana are going to have a nice little church wedding.

Clark: Excuse me?

Lois: It's written in the stars and you know it. It's only a matter of time before you join the bowling league, take over the family farm, and then, well, you and Lana can bring little Clark Jr. into the world.

Clark: I think you're hallucinating.

Lois: No. Hallucinating would be imagining Clark Kent going off to the big city to make his mark in the world. I'm just being realistic.

Lois: Look, I know we've had our disagreements in the past. And I will be the first to admit that I've made it my own little hobby to bust your chops.

Clark: I'm used to it. Besides, I know I haven't been the most gracious host.

Lois: Look, I just want you to know, Clark, that when I'm sitting in the audience today at your graduation and you stand up on that stage in front of all those people, I'm gonna be looking up at you and thinking one thing.

Clark: What's that?

Lois: Please, God, don't let him trip.

Jor-El: The knowledge of the universe is meant for you only. Yet you chose to deny your heritage. Today, you will witness the consequences.

Clark: Then you sent the meteor shower?

Jor-El: I have done nothing, Kal-El. Human blood has stained one of the elements and awakened a great danger from the darkness of space.

Clark: What can I do to stop it?

Jor-El: There is nothing you can do to prevent what is already in motion. But the meteor shower is just the beginning, Kal-El. I warned you that the elements could not fall into the hands of a human. The three must become one. It is the only way to save Earth from total annihilation.

Clark: I don't know where they are! I don't have time to find them!

Jor-El: If you don't unite them at once, you, my son, will be seared by a fire from the sky even you can't survive. The future of mankind rests in your hands, Kal-El.

Clark: You're gonna have to go without me.

Jonathan: Do I have to remind you, Clark, that the last time we had a meteor shower, it was full of kryptonite?

Martha: If the same happens today it could kill you. You have to come with us.

Clark: I spoke to Jor-El. He told me I have to find the other two stones right now, and unite them with the one in the cave.

Martha: No! You're my son. You're not gonna go on some kind of suicide mission.

Jonathan: Clark, you might be stronger than steel, but you're not invincible.

Clark: I know, Dad. But I'm the only one who can do this.

Jonathan: All right. But I want you to listen to me right now. All the years that your mother and I spent raising you from that wide-eyed toddler running around on this farm to the man who is standing in front of me right now was for this moment. You do this, son. You make us proud.

Season 5[edit]

Arrival[edit]

[5.01]

Jor-El: Kal-El, you must continue your education. You cannot stop.

Clark: She's my friend! She needs help!

Jor-El: Your destiny is far greater than saving one human life.

Clark: No, I won't let her die!

Jor-El: Each time you let your emotions guide you, the fate of the entire planet is at risk. That is your weakness, Kal-El.

Clark: I wasn't born anywhere near Smallville. In fact, I wasn't born anywhere near this galaxy.

Chloe: Okay... okay... so that would make you an...

Clark: Yeah.

Chloe: But you... you look so-

Clark: Human? I'm still the same person.

Chloe: Clark... I think you're so amazing. You save people's lives and take zero credit for it. To me, you're more than just a hero. You're a super hero.

Clark: Chloe-

Chloe: I'm serious, Clark. If more humans were like you, the world would be a better place.

Chloe: [to Clark] I want you to know, I'll never be the iceberg to your Titanic, and your secret will never ever leave my lips. No matter what.

Clark: How'd you get that frog in your throat?

Lois: That's what happens when you get a neck massage from Barbie the Barbarian. Doctor says I shouldn't talk too much.

Clark: Oh, gee. That's too bad.

Lois: Don't get your hopes up, Smallville. It's not permanent.

Martha: You can get hurt now; you're vulnerable.

Clark: Isn't that what it means to be human?

Mortal[edit]

[5.02]

Clark: Whoa!

Chloe: What? I like to come prepared.

Clark: Chloe, where'd you get all this stuff?

Chloe: eBay.

Clark: Is that a flash grenade?

Chloe: Careful! That was a graduation present from Lois. I'm saving it for a special occasion.

Clark: Why didn't you tell me about all this stuff?

Chloe: We all have our secrets, Clark.

Lex: Happiness is such an elusive creature, isn't it? We all wish for it, but very few ever really find it.

Chloe: Doesn't make the search any less important.

Lex: Or the destination... Do you remember the last time we stood here together? I ended up unconscious on the ground and somehow you landed in the artic.

Chloe: I told you, I don't remember what happened.

Lex: Then why have you been avoiding me, Chloe? It's been weeks since I brought you back from that hospital in the Yukon where I found you.

Chloe: I've been busy, Lex.

Lex: Right, I heard being a third wheel is very time consuming.

Chloe: Clark and Lana are finally together. They're happy. That's all that should matter to a real friend.

Lex: I think you know more than you're telling me about what happened in this cave, about Clark's involvement. I know you think you're being a good friend, but you're playing a very dangerous game.

Chloe: Kinda like covering up the spaceship Lana said crashed during the meteor shower.

Lex: Lana was hysterical. She didn't see what she thought she did.

Chloe: Well, maybe you didn't either, Lex. Stop asking me questions or I will start asking my own.

Clark: Destiny's just another word for not having a choice.

Clark: It's a lot heavier than I remember.

Jonathan: You're just going to have to learn, Clark. Pace yourself. You're human now.

Chloe: Ah, the joys of manual labor.

Clark: It's not so bad. I kinda like being sore. It makes me feel like I've actually accomplished something. No pain, no gain, right?

Chloe: Breaking news: Clark Kent saves the day.

Clark: Thanks to you.

Chloe: Yeah, well, I did just what I usually do. You were the one who took down three meteor freaks without any... special advantages. Then again, once a hero, always a hero.

Hidden[edit]

[5.03]

Clark: All right, look, okay, my dad isn't going to be up for about fifteen minutes and we gotta get outta here. Well, you gotta get outta here.

Lana: You sure? 'Cause sticking around for breakfast sounds like fun.

Clark: What?!

Lana: Pass me my shoe. "We won't fall asleep. I promise." What else are we going to do at two o'clock in the morning?

Clark: You aren't mad, are you?

Lana: I'm furious.

[They kiss]

Clark: Am I dead?

Jor-El [in Lionel]: Your mortal journey is over, yes, but your eminent destiny is too important to sacrifice. You will return with all your natural gifts. Unfortunately, this rectification does not come without a price. The life of someone close to you will be exchanged for yours.

Clark: No. No, I would never ask for that.

Jor-El [in Lionel]: You already did. When you decided to relinquish your powers and disobey me. It was your choice.

Clark: Then just don't bring me back!

Jor-El [in Lionel]: It's too late. For everything in nature, there is a balance. The life force that has been returned to you will soon be taken from... from someone you love. You're about to face your darkest hour, my son. But, remember: The lessons that we learn from pain are the ones that make us the strongest.

Clark: I can't take that risk. I've risked too much already and now someone else is going to have to pay for it.

Chloe: Clark, is everything okay? What's going on?

Clark: I never should have given up my powers. Why didn't I listen to him? Chloe, I think I've made a terrible mistake.

Jonathan: Son, they told us you were dead.

Clark: I was.

Jonathan: Jor-El...

Clark: Yeah.

Martha: He returned your powers, didn't he?

Clark: I'm not human anymore. It's the only way I could come back.

Jonathan: We heard about a missile malfunction. You stopped it, didn't you? It's not easy to sacrifice the things you want the most to save other people. We're so proud of you, Clark.

Clark: The sacrifice would've been not coming back at all.

Lana: Clark's medical file.

Lex: That's confidential.

Lana: I heard you asked for it at the hospital. All of his test results came back normal. When are you going to realize, Lex, that he's just like the rest of us?

Lex: Do you really believe that, or is that what you have to tell yourself to stay in a relationship with him? You've had your doubts about him too. You can't deny it.

Lana: I was wrong. Believe me, there is nothing unusual about Clark. Except his ability to see the good in people who don't deserve it.

Lex: I think you're forgetting something, Lana. Whatever new lie he told you, however he swept it under the rug, a normal person doesn't rise from the dead.

Aqua[edit]

[5.04]

Lois: I just ran into Mrs. Kent at the Talon and right out of nowhere, she asked if I would like to move back in at the farm.

Clark: Yeah, right... Really?

Lois: I know, isn't that sweet? Oh, don't worry. You little snuggle bunnies can hop right on away. I'm a light sleeper. I'm going for a dip.

Clark: [to Lana] Do you think she could sleep through me smothering her with a pillow?

Chloe: So, I take it Lana hasn't gotten to peek into the confidential files of Clark Kent yet.

Clark: Chloe, you think I'm happy about having my powers back and lying about them? I didn't ask for this to happen.

Chloe: We didn't ask for a world that needs heroes, but the truth is we do. Now more than ever, Clark.

Professor Fine: History is not about facts. It's about the context and who is telling the story. So, what is history? What is herstory? What is your story, Mr. Kent? How will you affect the world around you for generations to come?

Clark: I'm not sure you can know that at eighteen.

Professor Fine: Tell that to Alexander the Great or, to bring it closer to home, Lex Luthor. Now, he's not much older than you are and yet he's turned his father's agro business into a leading defense contractor. He's gone from feeding people to killing them, and yet his story is that he's a white knight who's just put a small Kansas town on the map. Beware of white knights, people. They don't slay dragons. They train them for their own dark purpose. Think of Hitler, Stalin, Napoleon.

Clark: Lex isn't a saint, but I don't think you can put him in the same league as those guys.

Professor Fine: An honest opinion. I like that.

Professor Fine: Why else would the son of family farmers be defending such a man?

Clark: It's a long story, but Lex's not the man you make him out to be.

Professor Fine: Well, you know, Groucho Marx said there was only one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says yes, then he must be crooked.

Clark: I would think a college professor would be quoting Karl Marx, not Groucho.

Professor Fine: German philosophy is easy. Comedy's hard.

[Arthur "A.C." Curry (the future "Aquaman") bids Clark adieu.]

A.C.: Maybe when I'm finished saving the world, we could start a Junior Lifeguard Association.

Clark: Nah, I don't think I'm ready for the JLA yet.

Thirst[edit]

[5.05]

Professor Fine: The question is: will you leave your footprints on the history of time or let them be washed away by the tides of more powerful men? Mr. Kent, what about you?

Clark: Me? I, um...

Professor Fine: LuthorCorp practically owns your hometown Smallville. What if you found out that Lex Luthor, the emperor of the company, was a dangerous, unstable, megalomaniac, bent on destroying your world. Would you have the courage to try to stop him?

Professor Fine: Why would a man of your stature be so concerned with the comings and goings of a freshman farmboy?

Lex: If you know so much about me, Professor, I'm sure you realize I donate a considerable amount of funding to this university that allows me an unusual amount of access to the dean and the academic review board.

Professor Fine: Yeah, I know. The buying of influence is part of my second semester.

Lex: If you have a second semester.

Chloe: Okay, for someone with a keen weird-ar, I can't believe I did not see the signs, but I defy anyone to tell the difference between a nascent vampire and a freshman girl with a hangover.

Lana: I'm sorry it had to be this way, Clark. But we don't always get to choose who we are. Sometimes, our destiny leads us to places that we don't want to go, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Chloe: I got in on the ground floor of my dream. Okay, so it's actually the basement. But, it's Daily Planet! The paper of record for kings, presidents and prime ministers; not to mention future superheroes. The way I look at it, I had no place to go, but up, up, and away.

Exposed[edit]

[5.06]

Lois: Clark, look, I'm not great at this, so just keep your mouth shut and listen up. Even though I was kicking butt on the helicopter, it was really nice to have backup. And you didn't have to come after me, but you always do. So I wanted to say thank you. You're a really good friend. Oh, and about the lap dance. If you decide to tell anyone about it, your Elmer Fudd nightlight will make a very public appearance.

Clark: Aye-Aye... sailor.

Clark: Is it true, Lex?

Lex: You know, after you've been M.I.A. for weeks, I don't think a hello is too much to ask for.

Clark: How long you been planning to run for state senate?

Lex: Several months now, and if you're implying I should have told you, you might want to rethink the barrier you've drawn on this friendship.

Jack: You've never had a lie get out of hand? Or you've never been caught at it?

Jonathan: I've never been in a position where people look up to me. You are Clark's hero.

Jack: So I'm not supposed to have any faults, huh? Who can live up to that? You know why there's no heroes today? It's because at the end of the day, people don't respect them; they envy them. And they're just waiting for them to screw up.

Lex: Tell me what you remember about King David. Humor me.

Clark: King David... Slew Goliath, saved his people.

Lex: And afterward, he saw a beautiful woman bathing and fell madly in love. The problem was, she turned out to be his best friend's wife. So you know what our great hero did? He sent his best friend off to die in battle so he could have her to himself.

Clark: Kind of leave that part out, don't they?

Lex: We all need to believe in heroes, Clark, and even the best ones are far from perfect.

Jack: After 20 years, the man's still got a Hell of a knack for the guilt trip, doesn't he?

Clark: Usually works 'cause he's right.

Jack: Your father's always had some pretty high expectations of the people around him. He's the one man I never wanted to disappoint.

Clark: You should try being his son. The thing I always try to remember is, no matter how much he lays on, he never expects more than he expects of himself.

Jack: You think your dad will ever forgive me?

Clark: Yeah. I've given him a lot of trial runs in the forgiveness arena.

Splinter[edit]

[5.07]

Lionel: I know about Clark. Chloe Sullivan has supplied me with all the information I need: his true identity, the powers he possesses and uses. I know he's vulnerable to kryptonite. Accept my support, and I can guarantee you a seat in the senate.

Jonathan: And what happens if I don't accept?

Lionel: The truth about Clark will come out in any case. The only difference is how he'll be treated when we run the tests. He can either be a distinguished guest or strapped down, helpless like a lab rat. It's your choice.

Clark: Why are you doing this to me, Dad? Why are you doing this?! No more lies. Tell me the truth. Tell me!

Jonathan: You want the truth? You were never really my son. You're the thing I found in the corn field.

Lex: The investigation into Clark Kent has yielded a surprising revelation. Clark Kent is not of this earth. He is an alien; an intruder from a distant galaxy, the first vanguard of an invasion.

Clark: No! No! That's not what I am!

Lex: But I know his weakness. I know how to stop this strange visitor from another planet. I'm the one that's gonna kill you, Clark.

Professor Fine: Brutus and Caesar. Jesus and Judas. They all started out as best friends. What happened? Well, if history teaches us one thing, it's that even the most powerful men can be betrayed by those they trust the most. The reason betrayal is such a predominant theme throughout history is really quite simple. Duplicity is human nature.

Clark: You say "human" like it's a bad thing.

Professor Fine: Just going off what I've seen. This race shows promise, but at this point in history, they are still duplicitous by their very nature. Even the ones you think you love can't be trusted.

Clark: You don't know anything about this race. Yeah, they can be petty and dishonest and betray each other over nothing. But they can also be honest and loyal. And they would give up everything to protect someone they love. Even if they were from another planet.

Professor Fine: Kal-El...

Clark: My name is Clark. And I'll always believe in my friends and my family.

Professor Fine: I sincerely hope your trust hasn't been misplaced.

Solitude[edit]

[5.08]

Lois: Let me give you a little friendly advice: Bow out of the race before a pesky little squirrel digs up one of your rotten acorns.

Lex: Well, thanks, Lois. You know, there's nothing more valuable than the savvy political advice of a muffin-peddling college dropout. Speaking of, do you have banana blueberry today?

Clark: You know, Professor Fine said that human beings were insignificant and couldn't be depended on. He obviously didn't know you very well.

Chloe: Please. Robo-Professor knows as much about human nature as R2-D2.

Clark: He's my father. I have the right to know everything about him.

Professor Fine: I agree. When you're ready.

Clark: I'm ready now!

Professor Fine: Impatience is such a pathetic human trait. But I suppose it's to be expected from someone raised by such a primitive race.

Clark: I happen to care a great deal about this primitive race... a lot more than I do about Krypton.

Martha: You've given me so much happiness, Clark. I don't know what I would've been without you.

Clark: Without me, none of this would have happened.

Martha: Don't ever feel guilty about this. Do you hear me? I wouldn't have it any other way. You're gonna be fine. Look at you. You're a man now, Clark. A wonderful man. My job's done.

Professor Fine: The only way to save your mother is to destroy the fortress. Jor-El's will is controlling her virus through the crystals. If you bring down his fortress, you will save your mother from his grip.

Clark: All he's ever done is try to ruin my life.

Professor Fine: Sadly, that was his legacy on Krypton, as well.

Clark: I want him gone.

Clark: Dad we both know Jor-El's not the type to just let things go.

Jonathan: Clark, when it comes down to it, none of us are going to be around forever. We can't dwell on that. I think the trick is just to live your life to its fullest. Make sure you spend as much time as you possibly can with the people you love.

Lexmas[edit]

[5.09]

Lex: Much like Ebenezer Scrooge, I realized that what I want more than anything is to live happily ever after. And do you know what the secret to living happily ever after is? Power. Money and power. See, once you have those two things, you can secure everything else... and keep it that way.

Lex: Dr. Litvack told me the odds of survival I had going into surgery. Pretty reckless roll of the dice, don't you think?

Lionel: On the contrary, son. What I did may appear callous, but opting for my son to have surgery was a deliberate decision.

Lex: But it wasn't your decision to make, was it? You went against the doctors' advice not because you wanted to save me, but because you couldn't bear having a cripple for a son.

Lionel: You may hate me for taking the risk, but I had to make a choice. And you're alive, and you can walk. I had to give you that chance.

Lex: And what if I hadn't made it? How would you have justified your decision then? How dare you play God with my life.

Lex: Oh, not to worry, Griff. We Luthors are made of pretty tough and definitely expensive material.

Lex: I want you to pull the pin on that grenade. Find it, fake it... do whatever it takes to knock Jonathan Kent out of the race. I want to be senator. I want it all.

Griff: Consider it done. Merry Christmas.

Fanatic[edit]

[5.10]

Chloe: I know you didn't come by this late at night just to drop off this press release. What happened?

Clark: How far do you want to cross the friendship boundary?

Chloe: Since when do we have boundaries?... All right, why don't you just leave out the details?

Clark: Well, everything was fine between Lana and I when I was human. I mean, it was great.

Chloe: [prodding him] Okay, Clark...

Clark: But now I have my abilities, it's like our... sex... life has been on hiatus.

Chloe: Oh. I know I'm gonna regret asking this question, but why?

Clark: It takes some time for me to adjust my abilities to new situations.

Chloe: Wow. Uh, awkward factor 8. So basically what you're saying is that you're afraid that in the heat of the moment you might... please don't make me finish this sentence, Clark.

Clark: Well, you see, that's the thing. I'm not sure what would happen. I mean if I couldn't control myself...

Chloe: Okay, you know, Clark, right there that's something that can't never be unseen.

Clark: It's not funny.

Chloe: No, you're right, it's not. It's just that this conversation definitely cements me as your Krypto-hag.

[discussing Clark pulling away from Lana]

Lana: It just feels like you're afraid to touch me anymore. Did something happen? Clark? Okay, is this where I have to remind you that you're the one who said we wouldn't keep things from each other?

Clark: Why is this about me? I mean, you're the one that pulled away first. You moved to Metropolis two weeks after we got together. And now you spend every moment with these books. Why astronomy?

Lana: It's homework.

Clark: It's an obsession. And that thing about honesty? It works both ways.

Lana: Nice deflection, but I don't fall for that anymore.

Lockdown[edit]

[5.11]

[Clark super speeds out of the room]

Chloe: Damn, I wish I could do that.

Lex: [delirious] Do you think I'd look better with hair?

Lana: Um, I don't know. I've never thought about it.

Lex: Oh, I have. I've thought about a lot of things... Clark has really nice hair.

Lana: Yeah. Yeah, I guess he does.

Lex: Does he know?

Lana: That he has nice hair?

Chloe: Clark! Can you at least put on the brakes before you tornado my homework?

Clark: Sorry.

Reckoning[edit]

[5.12]

Clark: [after confessing his secret] Do I look different to you now?

Lana: Clark, you look like the same handsome guy I've always known.

Clark: Handsome as in "I wanna spend the rest of my life with you" or handsome as in "I'm gonna let you down easy?"

Lana: As in "Yes, Clark, I'll marry you."

Lana: What would you do if you thought you knew someone really well, and it turns out that there's this... whole other side to them?

Lois: Well, that depends. Are we in arms-dealer territory, or are we talking w:The Crying Game?

Lana: Nothing like that.

Lois: Then I guess the question is, does it change the way you feel about him?

Lana: Maybe.

Lois: Look, I don't know what's going on, but I would be lucky to end up with someone as honorable as Clark some day.

Jor-El: Human life is fragile, my son. You knew her life would be exchanged for yours.

Clark: Don't make her pay for my mistake! If I hadn't told her the truth about me, she'd still be alive! You have to let me fix it.

Jor-El: Your powers on Earth may seem extraordinary, Kal-El, but we are not gods.

Clark: There has to be a way to fix this. Please.

Jor-El: There's one trial you have yet to experience, but you must heed my warning. The tide of fate is impossible to stop. Even if you are able to alter one course of events, the universe will find others. There is only one crystal. Once you make this choice, there is no second chance. Decide carefully.

Clark: I have to save her.

Martha: Clark... a heart beats only so many times in a life. Your father used his more than anyone I know.

Clark: I just don't know how I'm supposed to be the man he wanted me to be without him here.

Martha: You're his son. You know what's right and wrong. And whether your father is here with us or not, you're a man he's proud of... a man he could look up to. And something tells me he won't be the only one.

Vengeance[edit]

[5.13]

Lionel: It must be humbling to pull all those strings and find out they're attached to nothing.

Lex: Especially when your father's the one holding the scissors.

Lionel: What good is having a family if they don't watch out for each other?

Lex: On the off chance that unshakable family loyalty fails, there's always those Luthor closets to rummage through.

Lionel: All right, let's skip the prologue, Lex. What ancient skeleton do you think you've dug up this time?

Lex: Well, it's not quite a skeleton yet. More like a freshly laid corpse... I wonder how Martha Kent would feel if she knew you had a secret meeting with her husband right before he died. Now, a transgression like that would test the virtues of even the most forgiving woman.

Clark: I should have listened to you, Chloe. You tried to warn me. I had my hands around that guy's throat, and I thought that if I just kept squeezing the life out of him, then it would make everything right again.

Chloe: God, Clark. But you didn't?

Clark: No.

Chloe: What made you stop?

Clark: My dad's voice. This is going to sound weird, but I could hear him. He was the one that always kept me from going over the edge when I was too close.

Chloe: Do you think you could ever do what she did? Play the mild-mannered reporter by day and a crime-fighter by night?

Clark: Honestly, I'm kind of hoping I can find a way to not have to hide who I really am.

Tomb[edit]

[5.14]

Clark: Why haven't you gone to see her?

Chloe: Well because, because I'm afraid. I mean what if I look in her eyes and I see myself?

Clark: What if you wait too long and you never get the chance to look into her eyes again? She's your mother, she always will be. It's not going to change no matter what.

Clark: Lois, you don't know what goes on there. Do you really want Lex and these doctors getting inside Chloe's head?

Lois: If it makes her feel better, I don't care if Daffy Duck whacks her with a mallet!

Chloe: Guys, I'm drugged, not deaf.

Chloe: Clark, I'm a writer. If I was going to kill myself, I would've written one hell of a suicide note.

Cyborg[edit]

[5.15]

[Clark confronts Lana's mysterious car-crash "victim" outside the hospital.]

Clark: She said she hit you full on and you're not even hurt. How'd you manage that?

Victor: Milk. Does a body good.

[Clark bursts in on Lex.]

Clark: We need to talk!

Lex: And you should work on your entrance, Clark. Bit abrupt, don't you think?

Clark: What do you know about Syntechnics?

Lex: See, now that's exactly what I mean. No small talk, no pleasantries — just straight to the accusations.

Clark: I haven't accused you of anything.

Lex: You don't have to. Your, uh, righteous tone says it all. So what am I have supposed to have done this time?

Victor: I'd say thank you, but... the words just seem too small.

Clark: And completely unnecessary.

Victor: Your mom raised you modest, didn't she?

Hypnotic[edit]

[5.16]

Chloe: Every single one of us has gone through some sort of an identity crisis at one point or another. It's like a rite of passage in Smallville.

Chloe: I just don't get it. I mean, if it was Red "K", you wouldn't be doing chores. And if it was Silver "K", you'd be afraid that pitchfork over there would turn you into a shish kabob.

Chloe: Oh my God. I just knocked out Martha Kent.

Lois: Well, considering she was about to redecorate her wallpaper with my brain matter, I don't think you had a choice!

Lex: Clark, you've been hypnotized. How else could you throw me across the room like that?

Lois: Face it, Clark is no different then any other red-blooded male. His brain is not his commanding officer.

Void[edit]

[5.17]

Jonathan: [to Clark] This is your destiny, son. You are going to touch the lives of so many people. Not just as a man, but as a symbol. You're a symbol of peace. You're a symbol of justice. And now it's time for you to go.

Lex: Is this going to be another apology?

Lana: Well, they don't make a card for "Sorry I got you killed."

Clark: You died because of me. When Jor-El brought me back to life and restored my powers... he told me there'd be a price - the life of someone I love. I'm sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry.

Jonathan: Clark... believe me you have nothing to be sorry about. I lived a full, wonderful life. I had everything a husband or a father could ever possibly dream of. I am so very proud that I died protecting you.

Clark: Protecting me from what?

Jonathan: Lionel Luthor, Clark. He knows your secret. He knows everything. You can't stay here, son. You've got to keep your mother safe. You've got to keep the whole world safe.

Chloe: Well I'll reach out to my source and see if they know anything else. Clark, don't worry about it. You won the first fight. My money's on you in the rematch.

Clark: Chloe, I don't think Fine is the only thing we need to worry about. When I was injected with the serum and died, I saw my father.

Chloe: Oh my God, Clark.

Clark: Yeah, he told me there's someone else who knows my secret - Lionel Luthor.

Chloe: Well you can't be sure. I mean what you saw it could have been a hallucination. You know a manifestation of your desires and fears.

Clark: Chloe, I could feel my father. It was real. I know it in my heart.

Lillian: What was it then that brought you to me? Oh yes, you were shot coming out of a meeting with the man you hired to destroy Jonathan Kent's reputation, so you could become senator. How'd that turn out, by the way?

Lex: If you're really my dead mother, wouldn't you know?

Lillian: It was a rhetorical question, Alexander; of course I know.

Fragile[edit]

[5.18]

Clark: Chloe, if my parents hadn't found me in that field, it could have been me in the foster care system, scaring people with my powers, being accused of crimes I didn't commit.

Chloe: Yeah, and Clark, one of your greatest powers is your unrelenting faith in people.

Maddie: Clark, did you ever meet your real dad?

Clark: Sort of...

Maddie: Was he bad like mine?

Clark: Maybe worse. But just because he gave me life doesn't mean I'm anything like him. See, the thing is, Maddie, anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

Mercy[edit]

[5.19]

Lionel: I've been expecting you, Kal-El.

Clark: How long have you known?

Lionel: From the moment I held in my hand the crystal that helped to create your Fortress of Solitude.

Clark: The one that put you in a coma.

Lionel: Coma? I like to think of it as... a state of contemplative repose.

Clark: You've known my secret for almost a year.

Lionel: Yes.

Clark: Why haven't you done anything?

Lionel: What? Expose you to the world? A strange visitor from another planet? I've tried to tell you-I am not your enemy. To reveal your secret would change your destiny. And it would harm someone I care about very deeply.

Clark: You had a choice: To kill my mother or to kill yourself.

Lionel: I could never harm your mother. There was no choice.

Clark: Yeah. [pause] Unless you knew the gun wasn't loaded.

Lionel: You have no reason to believe anything I say. I realize that. I hope eventually you will come to trust me. I only want what's best for you and your mother, son.

Clark: [angrily] You don't call me that. Jonathan Kent was my father.

Lionel: No. I'm not trying to take his place.

Clark: You couldn't. My mother seems to think there may be some good in you, but I'm not so sure.

Lionel: It takes time, Clark. Maybe you will be.

Clark: Or maybe you'll just show your true colors. Secret or no secret, you stay away from my mother, or you'll wish I'd never saved your life.

Lionel: It was you, Lex. I know it.

Lex: What?

Lionel: Disabling my limo in the path of an oncoming train. You know that kind of melodrama went out of style with silent movies.

Lex: I may not like you very much, Dad, but you're a valuable asset to LuthorCorp. Killing you would hurt the bottom line.

Lionel: Your concern is truly touching.

Lionel: Well I'm just thankful the elevator safety breaks slowed us down enough to survive the fall.

Lex: Yeah, you should be. Especially since Cole disabled them.

Lionel: That's enough to make a man believe in miracles. Isn't, son?

Lex: I don't suppose Clark had any thing to do with that divine intervention?

Chloe: [about Lionel] Why don't you let me use that as an in, you know, to find out what he's really up to?

Clark: What if he finds out what you're up to? It's too risky.

Chloe: Oh, and waiting for Darth Luthor to hatch his evil plan isn't?

Fade[edit]

[5.20]

Chloe: Come on, Clark. Pick up the pace- somewhere between a brisk walk and super speed. The star witness testifies in fifteen minutes.

Clark: Not that I mind being your "Boy Friday" and all, but I don't understand why you need an escort.

Chloe: I don't. I just thought a nice little field trip to the courthouse might help reignite that journalism spark.

Clark: I hate to break it [Chloe gives Clark a press pass] to you, but my ace-reporter days ended when I left The Torch.

Chloe: All right, then consider it a much needed get-off-the-farm pass. Look, Clark, I know this has been the year from hell - and that was before you broke up with Lana. There are only so many days you can hole yourself up in that loft before I pull an intervention.

Clark: I am not holed up. It's just... ever since I found out Lionel knows my secret I've been waiting for a bomb to go off.

Chloe: Well, don't duck and cover just yet. For all we know, he may never even light the fuse.

Clark: This is Lionel Luthor we're talking about.

Lois: Official warning - I'm a third degree black belt. That means I can't be held liable for any funeral costs.

Martha: So, how are you? Clark told me what happened.

Lois: Me? I'm fine. Getting swept off my feet by a notorious hit man is my way of living la vida loca.

Clark: I guess this a bad time to ask for a favor?

Chloe: Are you kidding me? The amount of times you saved my butt you can pull a coin from the favor bank anytime you need. What's up?

Clark: Somebody sent me a 50-inch plasma with all the bells and whistles; forgot to sign the gift card.

Chloe: Clark, that's not a problem. That's winning the Trifecta. When's movie night?

Lana: Actually, I wasn't your only visitor. Clark stopped by earlier.

Lex: Really?

Lana: Yeah.

Lex: It's too bad it takes a near-death experience to bring old friends together.

Oracle[edit]

[5.21]

[Clark and Chloe sneak into Lionel's office at night.]

Clark: Let's look for anything my dad might be warning me about.

Chloe: Okay, it might take a minute. I can't exactly search for a file called "My Evil Scheme".

[Clark is choking Lionel with Fine [as Jonathan] behind him]

Fine [as Jonathan]: Yeah, so go on, son, and avenge my death.

Lionel: Your father would never make you a murderer, Clark.

Fine [as Jonathan]: Kill him!

Lex: One more thing, Clark. Lana called me. I don't want to hear you rifling through her stuff like a crazy roommate again. If you want something from me, don't go running to Lana to find it. You really crossed the line.

Clark: All those years we were friends, were you just waiting for me to step aside, so you could swoop in and make your move?

Lex: I don't know, Clark. All those years you told Lana you loved her, were you just waiting to walk away and break her heart? Look, there's a natural tendency to blame the person who's replaced you. I get that. But I didn't take Lana from you. You lost her all by yourself.

Lois: I thought you would be outside Lana's dorm with your binoculars by now.

Clark: I appreciate your concern, but Lana and I are none of your business.

Lois: Please, Smallville, I've had three exes put under military surveillance. I'm hardly qualified to deal out post-relationship tact. But...it's for some tough love. Lana's going to move on.

Clark: She already has - Lex.

Lois: And it sucks, but you gotta trust your gut that you did this for a reason. For whatever reasons guys have for dumping hot, smart, fun girls these days. Look, give her some space, Clark. Your whole night-stalker routine? That's gonna any good feelings that Lana has for you.

Clark: If there are any.

Lois: Look, sometimes you gotta tuck your feelings away until it's the right time. Like stuffing dollars into a piggy bank for a bike you can't quite afford.

Clark: Except I can't quite imagine there is anyone is out there.

Lois: Oh, you never know, Clark. Even if you finally crack open that piggy bank, you found all this time you haven't been saving for a bike. You been really saving it for a Harley.

Clark: There are times when think you don't know me at all...and others where I think you know me better than anyone.

Lois: That's what I'm here for, Smallville - one save at a time.

Vessel[edit]

[5.22]

Professor Fine: Humans. They are so fragile. They'll never survive without their technology, no matter how crude. Take that away and they'll devolve back to the animals they really are.

Clark: If you thought this friendship was so doomed from the beginning, then why did you fight so hard to keep it?

Lex: Because I wanted everything you had; the family, the inconspicuous life, the loyal girlfriend. Well, at least I walked away with the part you love the most.

Clark: Jor-El wants me to kill the person who will be the vessel. Zod will possess a human form, destroy Earth just as he did Krypton. But I can't kill anyone. You of all people should know that.

Lionel: Clark, the real test of a hero is knowing when the greater good will be served by an evil act. To save the Earth, the cost of one life is the price that must be paid.

Clark: Even if that life is your son?

Lex: Ever since that day on the bridge, you've always seen yourself as my savior; the one thing that would pull me off the dark path I'd started. See, that's why you cling to the idea that there's still some good in me. You don't want to face the fact that you might have failed.

Clark: Or maybe I just can't believe that someone would have so little willpower.

Lex: It's a little hard to compete with the iron willpower it takes to kill one of your best friends.

Zod [in Lex]: You have your father's eyes... hello, Kal-El.

Clark: Where's Lex?

Zod [in Lex]: Lex is dead.

Clark: Why are you here?

Zod [in Lex]: For the same reason as anyone who'd been imprisoned like a beast. Revenge. Your father banished me to an eternal hell, trying to save a doomed race. But, in the end, the only survivor of his pathetic crusade was his son.

Clark: Then this is between us. These people have done nothing to harm you.

Zod [in Lex]: No. But you feel no pain greater than to see others in agony.

Clark: I won't let you destroy this planet like you did Krypton.

Zod [in Lex]: You don't have a choice. Unless you join me.

Clark: I'll never join you.

Zod [in Lex]: I hope that's a decision you'll be able to live with... forever.

Season 6[edit]

Zod[edit]

[6.01]

Martha: Every world needs its heroes, Clark. They inspire us to be better than we are. And they protect us from the darkness that's just around the corner.

Martha: I've lost my husband and now my son because of your games!

Jor-El: We have both lost much, Martha Kent. But you must put aside your anguish if you wish to save your world.

Raya: Zod is a soldier. He will kill you.

Clark: If there was a way for you to save everyone you loved, wouldn't you risk dying?

Raya: You truly are your father's son.

Zod [in Lex]: So easily beaten. Disappointing.

Clark: I won't let you destroy Earth, like you did Krypton.

Zod [in Lex]: Jor-El couldn't stop me, and neither will his son.

Clark: Then I'll die trying.

Zod [in Lex]: But you won't be the only one. These humans you care so much about... swear your allegiance to me, and I'll allow the ones you love the most to live...Kneel before Zod.

Lex: Look, I can never make up for what happened. All I can do is move forward and try to rebuild everything I've damaged.

Lana: That might not be easy.

Lex: Well, nothing worth it ever is.

Sneeze[edit]

[6.02]

Lex: Well I forgot what a concerned parent you are. That's why you're having me followed, isn't it? To make sure I don't destroy the rest of the world?

Lionel: If I were having you followed, son, you would never know it. I can guarantee you that.

Chloe: When you escaped from that Kryptonian Land of the Lost, I bet you didn't think that you'd be rewarded by having to save Lex Luthor while battling a raging head cold, huh?

Clark: Not exactly the goodbye gift I was expecting, no.

Chloe: I guess heroes don't get sick days.

Chloe: Clark, with a sneeze like yours, that says a lot about your lung capacity. Now just take a really deep breath and blow it out as hard as you can.

Clark: That's a steel door, it's not a birthday cake.

Chloe: I don't see anything else working. Come on, let's see what you got. Huff, puff, and blow this door down. [Clark blows] Good thing you didn't have garlic today.

Chloe: You just take care of that cold. We've enough natural disasters around here without having to worry about Hurricane Clark looming off the coast.

Lois: Miracles really do happen: man walked on the moon, call waiting was created, and Lois Lane got her first by-line on the front page of the Inquisitor.

Chloe: Hey, that's great, Lo. I don't know how I feel about the alien angle, but...

Lois: I wasn't too crazy about the E.T. spin, either, but my editor insisted it'd help sell papers, so...

Clark: Well, let's hear it for journalistic integrity.

Lois: Look, I swear, you guys, when I was writing that article, I don't know... I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. The thrill of discovery, the clacking of keys, the scent of fresh ink. Yeah, I think I've finally found my calling.

Wither[edit]

[6.03]

Lex: Happiness is just a feeling of euphoria. It's your brain chemistry going into overdrive. That's why so many relationships fail when the honeymoon ends and reality sets in.

Lana: Wow, have you always been such a romantic?

Clark: Hey, how goes life living with Lois?

Chloe: Closer to coffee, further from sanity, but, you know, until Metropolis University reopens, I guess... what is it they say about a gift horse?

Clark: "Stay away from the mouth," which is difficult because Lois uses hers so much.

Lex: You've always had an eye for beauty. It's a Latin name, formositas falsus. "Beauty that belies a dark nature."

Clark: So, even your plants have hidden agendas.

Lex: Well, I guess it all comes down to survival of the fittest. Doesn't it?

Clark: A strange vine has cropped up over the ridge at Lone Pine. It's attacking people.

Lex: And naturally you came to my little shop of horrors to foil my ingenious plot to repopulate the planet with vegetation. Sorry, Clark. I'm all out of evil.

Lois: [to Oliver] Well, I wasn't going to give it to you, but the tights... you're totally pulling it off.

Lex: You should see him in a tutu.

Oliver Queen: Lex Luthor... with a girl that he doesn't have to inflate.

Gloria: Kryptonians, always so hard and cold.

Clark: You can't go home. I can't let you stay. What are we gonna do?

Gloria: We'll have to let nature decide.

Arrow[edit]

[6.04]

Oliver: This is funny. You know, the way Lois talked about you, I thought you were gonna be a little bit more of a...

Clark: Little more what? Of a geek?

Lois: Well, you're not exactly jumping the velvet ropes at nightclubs, so...

Clark: It's really nice to see that Lois has found someone who can overlook her personality.

Oliver: Oh, don't worry about it, Clark. If I lived under the same roof with such a beautiful woman, I probably would mask my feelings in sarcasm, too.

Oliver: [discussing Lois investigating the Green Arrow] Look, forget about this guy for the weekend. I can have you in Cancun by sunset, sipping margaritas.

Lois: Well, as much as I'd love to be your beach bimbo, the only person I'll be spending my weekend with is into leather and has a perverted fetish for archery.

Green Arrow: Looks like I'm not the only one with a secret. I hate to break it to you, tough guy, but you're on the wrong side.

Clark: I'm not sure the police would agree.

Green Arrow: Look around you. The days of the good guy running the show are over.

Chloe: So, how did you let this guy slip through your fingers?

Clark: This Green Arrow Bandit's got a lot of gadgets.

Chloe: Gadgets? Against the Man of Steel?

Clark: He's good, all right?

Chloe: Fine, backing off. The Green Arrow Bandit? Is that really the name Lois came up with? If you ask me, I'd lose the "Bandit," but, not my story.

Green Arrow: I saved you.

Lois: Yeah, from goons who were trying to find you. They're not the only one with a "V" for vendetta on your little leather ass.

Green Arrow: Little? I've been really working the glutes lately, too.

Lois: Did the humor come with the costume?

Green Arrow: Did the Tomb Raider routine come from wanting daddy's attention?

Oliver: Clark, you have abilities I couldn't even dream of. And I admire that you use them to save the people you're close to.

Clark: But?

Oliver: But there's a whole world of people out there, Clark. They need us. With your potential... you can't wait for them to come to you. When you're ready to do something about that, you let me know.

Reunion[edit]

[6.05]

Oliver: Clark, I was wondering if my security system would keep someone like you out.

Clark: Looks like you need an upgrade.

Oliver: Or you need to learn how to knock.

Oliver: I was thinking about developing a boxing-glove arrow, and then I thought, "come up with something a little fancier." [shoots an arrow] Contained Electromagnetic Pulse. Knocks out everything electrical within an 8-foot radius: cameras, laser systems... pacemakers. That last one was a joke, Clark.

Clark: I'm laughing on the inside.

Oliver: Maybe we'll get lucky one day and it'll bubble to the surface.

Young Lex: What are you going do?

Duncan: I'm going help people, like Warrior Angel.

Young Lex: You better hit the gym. Spandex is tough to pull off.

Lois: We've all done things we're not proud of. I just wish that Oliver didn't feel like he had to hide it from me.

Clark: You know, sometimes in order to protect the people we love, we keep secrets.

Lois: That is... totally retarded.

Clark: Making the wrong choices and living with the consequences... it's not easy, is it?

Oliver: Speaking from experience, huh?

Clark: More than I'd like.

Oliver: You know, we all make bad choices, Clark. All we can do is hope to make the right ones in the future, right?

Fallout[edit]

[6.06]

Chloe: Jimmy, this isn't a story. It's a hunch. Besides what were you doing playing stalker-azzi in the middle of the night following Lex Luthor around?

Jimmy Olsen: Being proactive, hopefully nailing a front-page shot. You don't think some back-alley hand-off is suspicious?

Chloe: I think Lex Luthor getting out of bed in the morning is suspicious.

Clark: I haven't been the best son.

Raya: Your father was hard on himself, too. He felt guilty that he couldn't save Krypton. His only redemption was sending you to save Earth.

Clark: Save it from what?

Raya: Extinction. Your civilization is going to destroy itself, just like Krypton. You should know this. It was part of your training.

Clark: I haven't started my training. Now the Fortress is damaged. Jor-El tried to warn me, but I didn't listen. I mean, how could I trust someone who brought so much pain into my life?

Raya: Pain is a part of anyone's journey, Kal-El. You can't escape it. You must accept your destiny.

Baern: So this is Jor-El's famed Fortress of knowledge. I thought it'd be bigger.

Clark: It doesn't matter. You won't be staying long.

Baern: Big talk, big man. I'm surprised you're still standing. I guess Jor-El was right about how the yellow sun affects you Kryptonian cockroaches. But I'm back. And now, I'm supersized. This is the perfect place for the fall of the House of El. Paying for the sins of your father can be a bitch.

Martha: It looks like Krypton gave us more than one hero.

Clark: Mom, I know how much you love me and how much dad... but I've always felt different. Because I am. And Raya was the first person I ever met who could really understand that. And I don't think I ever really thought about what I'd lost... a family, a whole race of people who were just like me. For the first time, I'm ready to stop running from who I really am... from my destiny

Rage[edit]

[6.07]

Lex: What do you think is faster, an arrow or a bullet?

Green Arrow: There's only one way to find out.

Clark: You're looking awfully healthy.

Oliver: It's called exercise, Clark. It's something we mere mortals have to do from time to time.

Clark: According to the Daily Planet, the Green Arrow was shot last night.

Oliver: If I was shot, don't you think I'd be laying in a hospital or a morgue? I'm not bulletproof like you are, Clark.

Oliver: Apparently, you were too busy using your powers to bale hay than to realize there's a crime wave in Metropolis. Let me ask you a question. Are you ever gonna get off your ass and finally do something for a change?

Clark: I didn't come here to be insulted.

Oliver: Well you know what? There's the door. I don't remember you being invited.

Clark: Oliver, what's going on with you?

Oliver: Clark, I don't need to take advice from someone whose only worry in life is to protect his own identity.

Clark: Oliver, you're not a killer!

Oliver: No, but he is, Clark. You and I both know the world's a better place without Lex Luthor.

Clark: That's not for us to decide.

Clark: What made you come to your senses?

Oliver: Actually, you did. This whole time, I just wanted to be like Clark Kent, you know? I wanted to... I wanted to have the ability to bring justice to the world without having to worry about getting killed in the process. And then something occurred to me, and I realized that Clark Kent would never take another man's life. I came within an inch of doing just that. I'm not even in your league.

Clark: Oliver, you do a lot of good in this world. You don't need to be indestructible to be a hero.

Static[edit]

[6.08]

Chloe: [to Clark] Look, I understand that you feel like all these psychopathic space invaders are your fault, but you can't keep it all inside. You feel the need to carry the world on your shoulders, and that's noble. But there are other people out there who want to help you fight the good fight, and you need to let them in. Because sometimes even heroes need to be saved.

Subterranean[edit]

[6.09]

Lex: I thought I told you you're no longer a welcome guest at the mansion.

Clark: Trust me, Lex, I don't want to be here either. But after what you've done...

Lex: And exactly what did I do? Did I swat a fly with too much force?

Chloe: Come on, Clark, you put a psycho killer away and you reunited a mother with her son. I mean, there are only so many hours in the day.

Clark: Well, see, that's the thing. No matter how many people I save, I can't solve the world's problems.

Chloe: I don't know anyone else who does more for this world than you.

Clark: You realize the only reason Lex is doing this is to wash his hands of it.

Lana: Lex had no idea what was going on on that farm.

Clark: Lana, you don't believe that.

Lana: Unlike some people I know, Lex doesn't lie to me.

Clark: Or he just wants his name clear of murder and slavery, so he sends a messenger to do his cleanup work.

Hydro[edit]

[6.10]

Lois: I don't get it. Of all the photographers in Metropolis, how is it that you end up with the first shots of our merry archer?

Jimmy: My connections.

Lois: No. Really.

Jimmy: Uh, well, the guy doesn't get out of the Suicide Slums much, so I just hung out there for a few weeks... in my car with my pepper spray and the doors locked.

Lois: This is it? A bunch of arms and legs? Nice work, hotshot. I mean, you didn't even manage to catch one shot of his face. All these tell me about Green Arrow is that he needs a band-aid.

Jimmy: Preliminary investigation is calling it suicide, but how's a guy who's larger than life drown in two feet of water?

Chloe: Well, his career was over. And Lake was right; the coroner's report says that Dawson was juiced up on muscle mixers.

Jimmy: Chloe, come on, you're going to tell me that someone on a 'roid rage is going to lie down in a koi pond and call it a day?

Chloe: (sees the picture of Lois' kiss with Green Arrow) Oh, I feel dirty...

Jimmy: Think about how Oliver feels. Lois and Clark put this whole scheme together because they thought Oliver was Green Arrow, but then- pow!- the poor sucker catches her sucking lip with leather daddy.

Clark: People keep secrets for a reason.

Lois: I don't know. If you ask me, I think a secret is just a big loophole in the whole "thou shall not lie" clause.

Clark: There's just no gray area with you, is there?

Lois: Not when someone I thought I knew better than anyone has been keeping the biggest secret of all.

Clark: What are you talking about?

Lois: What would you do if one day you realized someone close to you had a serious hero complex?

Clark: Hero complex?

Lois: Hiding his true identity from everyone he supposedly cares about? You can't tell me you wouldn't find something wrong with that.

Clark: Who exactly are we talking about?

Chloe: Clark, before you unload your anger on me, can I just say that I think it is incredibly unfair that everyone trusts me to keep their secrets, and then they turn around and they throw me attitude for keeping someone else's secret! Look, I'm sorry that I had to take a two-second breather from hiding the fact that you are an alien from another planet to protect someone else for a change! God! [Clark hugs her] You had that coming, you know?

Clark: For the record... I prefer "intergalactic traveler" over "alien from another planet."

Chloe: The craziest part is he chucked a guy across an alley, right? [Lois: Oh yeah] And then supersped away. I mean, WHO does that?

Clark: Hmm. [pause] It's a good thing when Oliver showed up when he did. Then you know for sure.

Chloe: Oh, she knew before he showed up.

Clark: You did?

Chloe: Ask her how.

Clark: How?

Lois: I kissed him.

Chloe: Isn't that romantic? [Clark sighs and nods] Oh, I'm sorry Lois. Finish the story. [Clark tries to interrupt] This is the best part.

Lois: Hmmm. Well, he was holding me in his arms, and - Ollie's a good kisser, don't get me wrong - but that Green Arrow? He could teach Ollie a thing or two.

Justice[edit]

[6.11]

Oliver: Rain check?

Lois: Sure. I'll just put it next to the rest of the umbrellas you keep handing me. I mean, is it just me or is this relationship all interruptus and no coitus?

Bart: I want a lawyer.

Lex: And I want a ponytail! Disappointment abounds.

Victor: Ollie found me. I was living on the streets. He gave me a warm meal, roof over my head... and a reason to go on living.

Oliver: Did he just say something nice about me?

A.C.: Maybe he's starting to rust.

Clark: A.C., how'd you fall into all this?

A.C.: I got into a little trouble sinking a whaler off the coast of Japan.

Victor: A little trouble? That's what you're gonna go with? Ollie had to save your scaly butt from getting filleted.

A.C.: I would have gotten out of it.

Oliver: Before or after they packed you into a thousand little tin cans?

Victor: Well, at least he would have been dolphin-safe.

A.C.: Fish jokes. That's all I ever get are fish jokes.

Oliver: Green Arrow to Watchtower, Boy Scout's out of the woods.

Clark: "Boy Scout"?

Oliver: Maybe if you hadn't run off all half-cocked, you could have picked your own code name.

Lex: You.

Green Arrow: You remember. I'm touched.

Lex: Well, it's a little hard to forget. Last time we met, you put an arrow in my chest.

Green Arrow: You put a bullet in mine. Bygones?

Lex: Go to hell.

Green Arrow: You first.

Victor: Cyborg to Aquaman. Where the hell are you fish-stick?

(A door opens and Cyborg see a lot of guards in the floor)

A.C.: What took you so long?

Victor: Nice! But please, put a shirt on.

A.C.: I swim faster when I´m naked.

Victor: I bet you do.

A.C.: (Smiles to Cyborg) You're lucky I still have my pants on.

Oliver: Ever since my parents died, I've jumped around from city to city, from continent to continent and in all those years, not once have I regretted leaving anyone. But then I met you.

Lois: Then stay.

Oliver: I can't. Because there are more important things in this world than what I want... and what I love. Someday I can explain why.

Lois: Don't expect me to be waiting around for that when you get back.

Oliver: I'm not coming back, Lois. At least not any time soon. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.

Lois: Well, you finally got around to it anyway, didn't you?

Oliver: This is it, the moment, right? The moment that I'm gonna regret for the rest of my life, isn't it?

Lois: Yes.

Clark: Impulse, Cyborg, Aquaman, Green Arrow. What do you guys call your team?

Bart: I don't know. I've been thinking, you know, that we need something cool. We need something like... like-

Oliver: I was thinking about something with the word "justice" in it. After all, that's what Lex is gonna get a big dose of.

Labyrinth[edit]

[6.12]

Dr. Hudson: You suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. You have for a number of years... after the death of your birth parents in the Smallville meteor shower.

Clark: See, it's not true. My birth parents were out of town for the meteor shower.

Dr. Hudson: You were placed in the wonderful adoptive home of the Kents. But like many children, you invented a make-believe world to help you deal with the trauma you endured. You convinced yourself that you came from another planet, that you possessed special powers and you used them to save humanity.

John: You're not crazy, Kal-El. We don't have much time, so listen to me closely. I believe you're from another planet.

Clark: What makes you say that?

John: Because like you, I'm not from here. I come from Mars. You can't trust anyone.

Clark: I know who I am!

Dr. Hudson: I'm not sure you do. Your name is Clark Kent, not Kal-El. And Jor-El isn't your father.

[Dr. Hudson shows Clark a bottle of soap labeled "Jorel"]

Woman: [over an intercom] Dr. Fine, Dr. Milton Fine, please report to level three, stat.

Dr. Hudson: When the human mind has faced tremendous emotional pain, it has no choice but to protect itself. You've taken bits and pieces of your surroundings and created an alternate universe where you feel safe and secure. Clark... in a world where you truly have no power, you chose to give yourself superpowers.

Lana: Okay. Let's say that I am a hallucination... and that your world really does exist. I'm about to marry your greatest enemy. You're an alien from another planet who's responsible for so much tragedy. Do you really want to live in that reality?

Clark: I don't know what to believe anymore.

Lana: Don't you just want to take this treatment and be with me?

Clark: Of course I want to be with you... more than you could ever imagine.

Lana: Then stop fighting, please. You've lived like this for so long, carried this burden of being a hero. It's time to just let go and live a normal life.

Clark: I've never been normal.

Lana: Your destiny isn't to save the world, Clark. It's to be with me for the rest of our lives.

Lana: Are you gonna tell me? What's that look in your eye?

Clark: I had a dream about you last night.

Lana: I hope that it wasn't a nightmare.

Clark: No! We were 10 years old and I gave you a plastic ring from of a gumball machine in Quinn's Market.

Lana: That's sweet. What was the occasion?

Clark: It was an engagement ring.

Lana: So what happened next?

Clark: [speaking softly] I woke up...

Clark: The important part is... you were the one person who believed in me. I don't know what I'd do without you, Chloe.

Chloe: Oh, is this when I'm supposed to cue the Barry Manilow music?

Crimson[edit]

[6.13]

Clark: What is it you always say about Valentine's Day? Oh, yeah. Our annual sneak peek at hell. That must have been before cupid struck.

Chloe: Don't you think after being trapped in a front seat to the Clark/Lana opera that I deserve a good V-Day?

Clark: You're the only person who can make me feel guilty, relieved, and a little sad all in one sentence.

Chloe: It's a gift.

Chloe: Lois and Clark?

Jimmy: You got to admit, they got chemistry.

Chloe: Yeah, so do nitroglycerin and peroxide, and I don't suggest putting them together.

Lois: Please tell me we weren't just set up.

Clark: Looks like it.

Lois: Us. That's like hot fudge and halibut.

Clark: I take it I'm the halibut.

Lois: Naturally.

Lois: Wait. I knew I'd kissed you before, in the alley. You're Green Arrow.

Clark: Hardly. I was just pretending to be so you wouldn't know it was Oliver.

Lois: Oliver? Oh, my god. All those times he disappeared... what is my deal with emotionally unavailable weekend warriors? Thank god I finally found a normal guy.

Clark: What do you mean "normal"? Oliver's not even in the same league as me.

Lois: You don't have to be macho just for me. I like the dorky farm boy thing.

Clark: Dorkier than a hood and a quiver? Just because I don't wear a costume and splash my face all over the papers-

Lois: Clark! So what if your signature move is driving a tractor? I think it's adorable.

Clark: You know, Lois, I think that it's time for you to meet the real Clark Kent.

Clark: [Taking Lana] C'mon Lana, if no one else in this room is gonna save you from Lex, then I will.

Lois: [Holding Clark] I don't think so, Lana is your past.. I'm your future.

Clark: This is the present.

Lana: I'm not a competition.

Clark: You are to Lex. He didn't tell you? He's always wanted everything I've ever had. And you were at the top of that list. You're just a trophy to him. And he's nothing but your consolation prize.

Trespass[edit]

[6.14]

Jimmy: Look, Clark, despite our differences, I think that you're a decent guy. Chloe obviously thinks that you can walk on air, so... who am I to stand in the way?

Clark: Jimmy, hold on.

Jimmy: But if you hurt her, I don't care how impossibly gigantic you are, I will chop you down like a cherry tree. And that, ain't no lie.

Clark: It's nice to see that you'd risk ending up in traction to protect Chloe's honor.

Jimmy: A girl like that... worth spending the rest of my life in a body cast.

Clark: I feel the same way. As her friend. Nothing more, I swear.

Martha: [to Lana] If you're taking the Luthor name, I guess armed guards and dodging the press go with the gold ring.

Lex: Looks like you're working out some issues there.

Clark: Just doing a little honest work, Lex. You should try it sometime.

Lex: Why start now? My life's perfect.

Lex: I just wanted to take a little sleigh ride down memory lane, visit the scene of the crime. Hey, here's where you took my fiancée after kidnapping her, right before you tried to kill me.

Clark: I wasn't myself that night... I'm sorry.

Lex: Sorry? What, that you didn't finish the job? You know, I'm still a bit fuzzy on the details, what with you trying to choke the life out of me, but what fascinates me is how after all that, Lana could still feel safe coming here.

Clark: That was her choice. I had nothing to do with it.

Lex: You never do. That's all right. You see, I understand the allure of trying to unravel the mystery of Clark Kent. I suffered from it once too. When I thought you mattered.

Lex: [to Clark] What I want is to make Lana happy for the rest of her life. And I want you to be there on our wedding day... to see what you lost.

Freak[edit]

[6.15]

Chloe: Face it, Clark, I'm a walking time bomb.

Clark: Then consider me your own personal bomb squad.

Chloe: Clark, I need you to X-ray me.

Clark: What?

Chloe: Clark, come on, we're both adults. Now just do it!

Promise[edit]

[6.16]

Lionel: [reading Lana's letter to Lex] This will destroy Lex...I give you my word Ms. Lang, if you don't honor the promise that you gave my son, or I find out you've told anyone about this conversation I will kill Clark Kent.

Clark: I waited for you...

Lana: Clark!

Clark: What happened?

Lana: I'm..I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you...but I wanna be with Lex

Clark: That's not true. He got to you didn't he?

Lana: No, please just believe me and let it go.

Clark: Let it go?...Let it go? Lana I love you...I love you!

Combat[edit]

[6.17]

Chloe: Clark, slow down! I don't have enough money to hire a full-time maid to clean up every time you decide to blow in!

Clark: What did you find?

Clark: How could Lana do it? How could she marry Lex?

Martha: I don't know Clark, but she made her choice.

Clark: Or someone made it for her.

Clark: I'm not going to punch you, Lois.

Lois: Fine. Then you take the dive. (she punches Clark in his stomach and hurts her hand) That is not just a six-pack under your shirt! That's a steel kegger!

Progeny[edit]

[6.18]

Chloe: There is an old abandoned hospital on Paper Mill road, just like he said. And it's owned by-

Clark: -LuthorCorp. It's probably another 33.1 franchise.

Chloe: I was gonna go check it out, but I thought it would be more wise for me to come get my army of one.

Chloe: Lex, I'm tired of playing hardball, or softball, or any ball for that matter. Game's over.

Nemesis[edit]

[6.19]

Chloe: [on voice mail] Hey, Clark, it's me again. Where are you? I feel like your stalker ex-girlfriend, even though I was never your girlfriend. It was just an analogy - a bad one.

Clark: I saw Lana the day of the wedding and she was gonna leave you. What did you do her?

Lex: I don't know. The answer must have gotten lost in that dark abyss we call my soul.

Clark: Were we ever really friends, Lex?

Lex: I don't know. I have nothing to compare it to. You're the only real friend I've ever had, Clark. And somewhere along the way, you saw me as your nemesis, turned your back on me.

Clark: Chloe, I've x-rayed these tunnels over a dozen times, and they all just seem to lead to Reeves Dam.

Chloe: Maybe so, but if Lex is willing to go up against Tomb Raider for them, I can't retire my reporter's notebook just yet.

Lana: I wonder how Martha Kent would handle hearing that you used her son as a bargaining chip? Tell me what you know.

Lionel: Well, I see you've embraced wholeheartedly what it means to be a Luthor.

Noir[edit]

[6.20]

Jimmy: I figured you could use an escape from your real-life soap opera.

Chloe: What do you mean?

Jimmy: Well, you live it every day, but from the outside your real life's got Cagney and Stanwyck written all over it. You've got your billionaire mogul, you got the confused damsel who chose money over love, and the mysterious best friend who shows up everywhere because he can't seem to get a real job. Not to mention the steadfast dame they all depend on.

Chloe: Wow. A real glimpse in the mind of Jimmy Olsen. FYI, um, "dame"? Not so flattering.

[Jimmy picks a lock]

Chloe: When did you learn to do that?

Jimmy: Some girls go for sports cars. I figure you're more of a lock-picking kind of girl.

Bartender Lionel: You stroll in here with this crackerjack kid... You trying to land me in the cooler?

Detective Clark Kent: Cool your jets, Mack. Jimmy's here just a little down on love. Ain't you, Jimmy?

Bartender Lionel: Poor sucker. Man, dame's his poison.

Prototype[edit]

[6.21]

[Clark talks to Lana about Lex.]

Clark: Lana, whatever reason you had to go through with the wedding — it was the wrong choice. You have no idea what he is capable of.

Lana: You'd be surprised what I know.

Clark: Then why are you still here?

Lana: We all have our secrets, Clark. Sometimes we have to keep them to protect those we love.

Lex: Every time I open my heart to someone, I end up getting hurt. If you ever betrayed me, I don't know what I'd do.

Lana: I'd never hurt the man I love.

Clark: It will be just like old times, like when you first got to Smallville

Lois: You're just hoping to catch me in the shower again.

Phantom[edit]

[6.22]

[Clark lifts Lionel by his throat]

Lionel: Clark, if Lana's spoken to you, I know what you must be thinking, but you've got to listen to me.

Clark: I've listened to you for too long!

Lionel: Lex is tracking a wraith from the Phantom Zone. I had to force Lana to marry him. It was the only way she could get close to him to get the information for me I need to help you.

Clark: No. I never asked for your help. And I never will.

Lionel: You're not a murderer. You're Kal-El.

Clark: Don't call me by that name!

Clark: Chloe, I told Lana my secret. She knows everything. She knows that... I'm an alien.

Chloe: Wow. So, I guess we have a new charter member of the Clark Kent secret-keeping club... What did she say?

Clark: She kissed me.

Chloe: That's fantastic. You've been wanting this forever. You just... you must be on Cloud 99.

Clark: I will be as soon as I deal with this Phantom.

Chloe: Look, Lois, take it from someone who's gone up against the Lex Luthor army more than once. Not only will victory remain elusive, but you're almost certain to step on a land mine in the process.

Lois: I'm the general's daughter, remember? I live for battle.

Clark: [Clark superspeeds into Reeves Dam and pushes Lex up against the wall] She was your wife, Lex. Why did you do it?

Lex: Now is not the time to lecture me about my marriage, Clark.

Clark: Why'd you do it? Just tell me!

Lex: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!

Clark: You afraid she was gonna bring you down, or was it just too humiliating for you that she was gonna leave you? Why'd you have to kill her? Why?

Lex: No.

Clark: No. You don't to need act so surprised. You're the one who killed her. You put a bomb in her car. You're the one who killed her!

Clark: I don't understand. None of this makes any sense.

Lionel: It was when Lex was possessed with Zod. I became possessed with all your father's knowledge. I found myself writing, in Kryptonian, the symbol for power.

Martian Manhunter: It was a beacon. The same beacon Jor-El used when he needed me.

Clark: You knew my father?

Martian Manhunter: I worked for Jor-El, bringing criminals to justice. When Krypton was on the verge of annihilation, he asked me to keep an eye out for you.

Clark: Where have you been all these years?

Martian Manhunter: Watching from a distance.

Lionel: Your father wanted you to pass the test without any help. He wasn't to interfere unless it was absolutely necessary.

Martian Manhunter: When you unleashed those phantoms, your life was at stake. I didn't have a choice.

Lionel: Like what happened at the docks in Seattle.

Clark: When that phantom infected my mind?

Lionel: That's right.

Martian Manhunter: Unfortunately, I've lost a step since then.

Clark: What happened?

Martian Manhunter: Nothing.

[Clark opens Martian Manhunter's jacket and sees he was injured]

Clark: That doesn't look like nothing.

Martian Manhunter: I had a run-in with the last phantom. I have to leave Earth's atmosphere to heal, but first I must complete the job I started.

Season 7[edit]

Bizarro[edit]

[7.01]

Bizarro: Hey Clark! Do you ever wonder what would happen to all of these humans if you weren't here to play savior? I know you do; you'd just never admit it.

Clark: You don't know anything about me.

Bizarro: No, Clark. I know everything about you. I didn't just borrow your DNA; I have all your memories, all your thoughts, every last twisted one of them. When I'm living your life, I won't make those same mistakes.

Clark: Lois said that one of Lex's guys may have done something to you when you were out. You wanna tell me what really happened?

Kara[edit]

[7.02]

Kara: The House of El has a lot of family secrets that nobody ever discussed. As humans would say, we were... dysfunctional.

Clark: Those doors would have opened if you had just waited!

Kara: We don't have time to wait for ancient technology. Between the two of us, we can cover more ground. Of course, it would help if you could defy gravity. Explain to me again why you can't fly.

Clark: I'm not sure.

Kara: I guess the humans were right, Kal-El. Girls do mature faster than boys.

Fierce[edit]

[7.03]

Clark: It's all about control, which you don't have.

Kara: Me? Get back to me when you can fly, Earth boy.

Clark: Well, you're the one who almost lit up the whole fair.

Kara: Has anyone ever told you're a little uptight? You definitely get that from your father.

Kara: (wearing a bikini) Say hello to the next Miss Sweet Corn.

Clark: Uh, listen, uh, when I talked about fitting in, I was... thinking of something with more clothes. Th-this is definitely not blending in.

Kara: You mean "undercover."

Clark: Yes, exactly, and this is... not covered. Um, look, can you go change, please?

Kara: But, I-

Clark: Now!

Kara: Fine. (she superspeeds and changes quickly) You said "now".

Lana: Well, I guess I don't have to ask which side of the family you're from.

Cure[edit]

[7.04]

Chloe: (to Clark) You know, you're gonna have to hang a bell around your neck or something so I can at least hear when you're coming.

Jimmy: I used to sit in the backyard and try to pick up Martian signals on my dad's ham radio.

Kara: Umm, Martians use infrared, silly.

Action[edit]

[7.05]

Rachel: I've only seen love like that once in my life.

Lana: What happened?

Rachel: The director yelled "Cut."

Lara[edit]

[7.06]

Chloe: Look, I know how this is gonna sound coming from me, but you and Kara are from different worlds. Just be careful, okay?

Jimmy: Chloe, Kara is from Minnesota. It's not like she's from another planet.

Wrath[edit]

[7.07]

Lois: What? I can't believe you've never had famous franks before!

Grant Gabriel: I can't believe anyone's had famous franks. That thing could survive a nuclear holocaust!

[Grant kisses Lois.]

Grant Gabriel: I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Lois: Wow. If news of that spread through the mail room I'd have my name on your door by tomorrow. That's sexual harassment.

[Lois kisses Grant.]

Lois: But that wasn't.

Lana: I would do anything for Clark.

Chloe: Even kill. What a lucky guy!

Blue[edit]

[7.08]

Lara: Jor-El? Is that you?

Clark: I'm Kal-El.

Lara: Kal-El... My son, my beautiful boy. You're a man now.

Grant Gabriel: Ok everybody, time to stop gawking, start reporting! You're journalists, not stargazers, let's move!

Chloe: Hey! Hey! Hey! I know the blue K is seriously cramping your style, but you don't have to grind your finger off!

Clark: Chloe, I don't know what else to do. It's unbreakable.

Chloe: Okay, look, considering what all the other flavors of kryptonite do, being normal may not be such a bad thing.

Gemini[edit]

[7.09]

Chloe: (after finding the bomb disgused as a present) Oh wow. I have the worst Secret Santa ever.

Grant: Lois has a mysterious way of diving for a penny and coming up with the Holy Grail.

Persona[edit]

[7.10]

[Bizarro finds Brainiac.]

Bizarro: Look at yourself, you can barely catch a rat.

Brainiac: I am the brain interactive construct. No matter my form, my intellect remains formidable. Do not underestimate me.

Bizarro: Are you telling me the truth?

Brainiac: Lying to you would be like lying to a mollusk. There's no point.

Bizarro: (laughs sarcastically) If this doesn't check out, I'll shove you back into the test tube myself.

Bizarro: Jor-El! I'm searching for something, I think Kara might have brought it here.

Jor-El: (The Fortress console lights up) Leave here at once, phantom!

Bizarro: And what if I don't? What are you gonna do? You're just a voice Jor-El, an echo from the past, I mean what are you are gonna do... lecture me to death?

Jor-El: (The Fortress begins to shake) You are not welcome here!

Bizarro: Don't worry Jor-El, I'll find what I'm looking for sooner or later.

(Bizarro flies away)

Siren[edit]

[7.11]

Green Arrow: Finder's keepers. I like the look. Italian?

Black Canary: Why? You're thinking of trading in your tights?

Clark: His missions are dangerous! And the fact he's taking you with him —

Chloe: No-no-no, it was just internet interception... that ended up having a vicious ninja lady attached to it who chased me onto the roof and then almost beheaded me and went rappelling over the side of the building. Which, I've got to admit, was really smokin' cool.

Lois: (slapping Oliver across the face) That's for breaking my heart!

Oliver: (wincing) Really? 'Cause it felt like it was for not calling when I got back in town.

Lois: Oh, that one will come when you're least expecting it. Will you put a shirt on or something?

Oliver: The whole jumping to conclusions thing before you get the full story? How's that working out for you?

Lois: Huge time-saver.

[...]

Oliver: I missed you... more than you can possibly know.

Lois: If you think that glistening-muscle-answering the door in your bare chest routine was gonna work... you were dead on.

Chloe: Maybe we should call her the "Yellow Raven."

Clark: "Black Canary" has a better ring to it.

[Dinah is invited to join Green Arrow's Justice League.]

Dinah Lance: I'm not really a team player.

Oliver: Good. Then you'll fit right in.

Lana: Everyone was so quick to turn me into Lady Macbeth when they found out that I was watching Lex. And yet, you are the second person to ask me for a favor today.

Oliver: Lois?

Lois: Oh, don't even think of looking at me now. So, in all those nights together, somewhere between brushing teeth and spooning in the sheets, you didn't think that it might be a good time to mention that you prowl the streets with green leather and a compound bow?

Oliver: Well, I don't usually bring the compound bow.

Lois: Oh, so now he's a funny hero. I can't believe you didn't tell me that you were Green Arrow!

Oliver: Hard to imagine why when you're taking it so well.

Lois: You think the lacerating ropes and platinum fembot... might have something to do with my lack of empathy? So, what? Little Ollie got bored with dodgeball in P.E... and decided to play William Tell? Whoa... wait a second. I kissed Green Arrow last year when you were standing there with me in the alley!

Oliver: Yeah. I remember that with precise detail.

Lois: I can't believe you! You, who were supposedly my boyfriend, arranged for me to be lip-locked with some wannabe hero!

Fracture[edit]

[7.12]

Clark: Speaking of heartbeats, you didn't have one for over 18 hours.

Chloe:I was hoping we could skip the lecture and go straight to the "welcome back" dinner. I'm starving.

Clark: It's 15 hours longer than the last time, Chloe. I've been sitting here, literally, trying to think about what to say at your funeral.

Chloe: Well, let's both be glad that I'm alive, 'cause I know how much you hate giving speeches.

Lois: What are we doing, Lex?

Lex: No one asked you to be here, Lois.

Lois: Trust me, I never planned on being your Sundance Kid, especially in the armpit of Motor City.

Finley: Hey, bald man, look, is it really worth killing her to get to me?

Lois: Rhetorical question, Lex!

Hero[edit]

[7.13]

Lex: (to Pete) You know, we may have more in common than you think: we both have a friend who let us down and something tells me that you know what it's like to love a woman who's still infatuated with Clark Kent.

Clark: [Talking about Pete]If he ingests anymore kryptonite... we both know what happens to people.

Chloe: Present company on stand-by.

Traveler[edit]

[7.14]

Chloe: (to Jor-El, in the Fortress of Solitude) Out of all the planets across the universe you decided to send your only son to this one, to Earth! You trusted us to protect him! Now please, Jor-El, I need you to trust me. I love your son! He's in danger and he needs our help!

Patricia Swann: My father often reminded me that despite the power of the sun, it's always night on half the planet. For all the good you do, there will always be darkness, people who would kill you or abuse your power for their own gain. Lionel Luthor is just one of many.

Veritas[edit]

[7.15]

Clark: Then why has he [Brainiac] turned his attention toward you?

Kara: I don't know. But when we go up against him, it would be helpful if were on the same playing field. Or should I say sky?

Clark: Not helping.

Kara: I'm sorry, Yeah, I know. It… but it's just really easy. Just up, up and away.

Lois: Okay. Better make sure that camera is loaded with ammo because I got tomorrow's headline. "Daughter of Nobel-Winning Astronomer Murdered."

Jimmy: That Swann woman they fished out of the lake last night?

Lois: Yeah.

Jimmy: I thought that she drowned.

Lois: More like sank. Kind of hard to swim after you've been shot.

Lionel: No, I've repented.

Chloe: That's right, you're an intensely spiritual man. You amassed all the power a human could until you found out about Clark. Befriending him is the closest thing you'll get to seeing God.

Descent[edit]

[7.16]

Chloe: Long night. It's good to see the sun again.

Clark: It's too bad Lionel's not here to see it.

Chloe: Lex closed the funeral to any and all guests. In other word's Lex is the only one invited.

Clark: Lionel deserves better.

Chloe: At least we know how Lionel truly felt about you. I mean, he thought of you as his second son.

Clark: Another person who treated me like a son and died because of it.

Chloe: Clark-

Clark: -Jor-El died getting me on that ship. My dad died of a heart attack from the powers he took on protecting me. And now Lionel's been murdered for protecting my secret.

Chloe: They did die for you, Clark. But ultimately, they died for all of us. There was a reason those men were in your life. Each of them added something to the man that you are today.

Clark: How could Lex have done it? How does a son... ...murder his own father?

Chloe: Total absence of love. Some say that's the definition of evil. You have to get those keys away from Lex, Clark, before he kills anyone else.

Clark: He's not gonna to have the chance. I won't let him.

Sleeper[edit]

[7.17]

Chloe: You know, having a gang of superheroes is great in theory, but no one ever considers the shipping costs.

Chloe: (to Clark) You do realize that your greatest superpower is your ability to win me over with just one look, no matter how ridiculous you sound, right?

Apocalypse[edit]

[7.18]

Lois: (rummaging through a closet) Olsen's roommate's about the right size —

Clark: Lois, we don't have time for this.

Lois: Then stop standing around. Strip!

(Clark averts his gaze, looking uncomfortable)

Lois: Kent, this is no time to be modest. Armageddon's minutes away.

Brainiac: You can't stop me, Kal-El. There's no yellow sun to charge you here. You're not in Kansas anymore.

Clark: Where were you taking it?

Jimmy: Oh, I guess you didn't get the memo that says, "Why should I tell you?"

(Clark picks him up and slams him into the shelves)

Jimmy: Oh... that's a good answer.

Quest[edit]

[7.19]

Chloe: (to Clark) Sorry I couldn't get here faster but, you know... I have to drive.

Clark: That's the last thing I need. Someone going around killing people in my name.

Chloe: That's probably how God felt about the Crusades.

(after Chloe turns up unexpectedly in Montreal)

Clark: Chloe. How did you...

Chloe: Oliver's jet — fringe benefit of being a hero hag.

Arctic[edit]

[7.20]

Lex Luthor: "I loved you like a brother, Clark, but I'm sorry it had to end this way."

Chloe: (exposes Kara to kryptonite) Why isn't it working?

Brainiac-as-Kara: Check the expiration date?

Lex: (looking at the Fortress) I must admit, Clark. This is a big step up from the barn.

Brainiac: (to Chloe after her powers foiled his attempt to infect her) What the hell are you?!

Jimmy: I found out something about those mystery expeditions he's been sending to the North Pole.

Lois: Either he's planning a hostile takeover of Santa's workshop, or he's doing something illegal. And since I'm sure Lex isn't into the Christmas spirit, what's the scoop.

Season 8[edit]

Odyssey[edit]

[8.01]

Lois: I can't believe it, one alarm clock malfunction and suddenly you're demoted and sent to deliverance territory. What the hell are you doing here?

Clark: I'm…

Man: You know him?

Lois: Yes.

Clark: No.

Lois: He wishes he didn't know me. I thought I dropped you at your cell.

Man: We'll take him back.

Lois: And send me to the Sahara? One demotion this week is enough.

Man: I'll handle him.

Lois: What are you doing here.

Clark: I heard they have good espresso.

Lois: You disappear for a month and come back with a sense of humor?

Clark: I've been tracking Chloe down, the question is how did you get here?

Lois: Feminine charm.

Clark: (scoffs)

Lois: Yes I do have some.

Clark: Great job protecting your short supply of it.

Lois: Why don't you give your stand up a rest and do exactly as I tell you, that way we can find Chloe and stay alive at the same time.

Clark: You mind not pointing that thing at me?

Lois: God Clark, I'm not aiming at you. What?! I'm not! Besides it's only your kneecap.

Clark: Well that makes me feel a lot better.

Lois: Look I know that you're nervous Smallville but you gotta remember I grew up around green berets and navy seals not cornstalks and jersey cows. So stick with me, I'll protect you, you'll be fine.

Clark: Chloe.

Lois: Out of the way Smallville. Chloe!

Chloe: Lois look behind you, watch out!

Clark: Oh, I'm sorry is this bothering you?

Lois: The chair or you in it?

Clark: Lois, I um… I wanted to say, I thought you did well out there. You really earned your stripes at your dad's boot camp.

Lois: Thanks. And as for you, you actually surprised me. I mean for your first attempt at heroism.

Clark: Well I better get going. I'll see you bright and early Monday morning.

Lois: Woah, woah, why Monday? What do you mean bright and early?

Clark: Lois. You're the one that gave me the application. You're looking at the newest recruit for the Daily Planet.

Lois: That's great. What made you change your mind?

Clark: I guess I wanted to be in the middle of the action.

Lois: Good for you. So, are you going to be starting down in the mailroom?

Clark: I'm going to be a little closer to home. Looks like we're going to be neighbors Lane.

Lois: You gotta be kidding me.

Oliver: I'd be careful, Clark. Pretty soon, you'll be sporting a homemade costume and leading a double identity just like the rest of us.

Dinah: You might want to try a little more formfitting.

Plastique[edit]

[8.02]

Lois: But what's with the wardrobe malfunction?

Clark: What? This is a nice shirt.

Lois: Human Resources is going to be down here any minute, and you do not want to meet them looking like... the brawny lumberjack.

Clark: I'm Clark Kent.

Davis Bloome: Davis Bloome. I met your fiancée. Clark, congratulations. She's a real catch.

Clark: I'm getting married?

Davis Bloome: Well, I thought that- 'cause I thought you and Chloe were together, and you seemed pretty close. When she said she was engaged...

Clark: Chloe's engaged?

Davis Bloome: Oh, man, okay, my brain's completely gone completely D.O.A. Clark, she said she hadn't told anyone yet. Do me a favor. Don't tell her I said anything.

Clark: I won't reveal my source.

Note: This is in reference to one of "Lois Lane's Rules to Journalism"

Toxic[edit]

[8.03]

Lois: Find me a 24-hour market. I need a sports drink, as much vitamin B as you can get your hands on, and one dill pickle. Let's go! Tick tock!

Oliver: (capturing a centipede) All right, here's the deal. Normally I don't eat anything with more than 99 legs on it, but I haven't eaten in days. Kind of a bummer for both of us, right?

Instinct[edit]

[8.04]

Lois: You know endorphins? They're hormones that are released when the body performs a certain activity.

Clark: Like when you play a sport.

Lois: Or there's another kind of activity two people share, repetitive motion, builds to a climax.

Clark: Thank you.

Chloe: (to Clark) Hey. Am I glad to see you. Now that Lois is riding shotgun in your Mystery Machine, your old sidekick's jonesing for a Scooby clue. Let me see that concrete crop circle.

Committed[edit]

[8.05]

Clark: (to a hung-over Lois) Don't worry, you got changed all by yourself. In the middle of the kitchen, for like an hour.

(entering the Talon apartment, the morning after)

Lois: Chloe?

Clark: Jimmy?

Lois: You know what Lois likes to see when she comes home? Pants. Pants on everyone.

Oliver: (walking in on Lois and Clark at the jewelry store) What are you two doing here?

Lois: Oliver! Uh, didn't get the invitation yet?

Oliver: Invitation to what?

Lois: Uh, tell him, cupcake.

Clark: (shooting Lois a look) Wh... Lois and I are... we're getting married.

Lois: Oh my God, Chloe, I am so sorry. I mean, I know my face is under "faux pas" in the dictionary, but this is a whole new low.

Chloe: I would say that this is a close second behind the time you crashed Lana's engagement party. In fact, you may want to start avoiding engagement parties altogether.

Prey[edit]

[8.06]

John Jones: Where'd you get this list?

Clark: I memorized it off Chloe's desk.

John Jones: I didn't realize that photographic memory was among of your abilities.

Clark: It's more like speed-reading, but let's not split hairs.

John Jones: She couldn't just *give* you a copy?

Clark: Chloe and I don't always see eye to eye on this one.

John Jones: [refers to Lois] Well, what about your mouthy cohort? She hasn't poked her nose into this one, either.

Clark: She's on assignment, which is code for "Monster Truck Rally in Lubbock."

John Jones: And I assume your emerald ally and his super friends are still on hiatus, which leaves you.

Clark: Solo. I get it.

Identity[edit]

[8.07]

Lois: Well, if you like covering robbery and homicide, you've come to the right place. The crime rate's so high there's actually a "no vacancy sign" in front of county jail.

Sebastian: Really? Metropolis seems like a safe haven compared to some of the places I've covered.

Lois: Really? Like where, the gates of Hell?

Clark: Tell me you're sober.

Oliver: Let me tell you something— I wish I wasn't sober. I can be in a cabana in Aruba right now. Instead, I'm in the middle of downtown on a rooftop with you guys.

Clark: You didn't hear me complain when I had to put on green leather to protect your identity.

Oliver: Clark, you made out with my girlfriend, man. What did you have to complain about?

Lois: I don't do too well with fortune tellers. The last one I went to see, told me I was destined to fall for a guy who flies a lot and likes to wear tights. So I'm just waiting for my cross-dressing pilot to make his landing

Bloodline[edit]

[8.07]

Oliver: Hallmark didn't have any "Welcome back to Earth" cards. So...

Clark: It's nice to see everyone has a key to this place.

Tess: Who do you work for?

Green Arrow: I'm self-employed. It's sort of an occupational safety hazard.

Tess: Oh. Well, then you know that getting blood out of leather can be a total bitch.

Faora-as-Lois: You don't recognize me... but you are the spitting image of your father.

Davis: Okay. Lois, you gotta reason with me. What kind of drugs did you take-pills, powder, paste? Don't tell me you injected anything.

Oliver: That still doesn't explain how you're hacking into that crystal, Chloe. It's not hooked up to anything, there's no computer here.

Chloe: Do I tell you how to shoot your arrows? I don't think so.

Chloe: You know, Oliver, for a guy with three cellphones, you sure are hard to get a hold of.

Abyss[edit]

[8.09]

Chloe: Jimmy, I'm impressed. You managed to balance out singles, couples, and families while keeping all of the exes at different tables, and still keeping the kids' tables away from the cake. You truly are the Zen master of seating charts.

Jimmy: More the master of musical chairs.

Bride[edit]

[8.10]

Jimmy: You know, speaking of the right person, since you don't have a plus-one tonight, I'd like you to meet one of my friends. Name's Clark Kent. You heard of him?

Lois: Better wear your bow and arrow, Cupid. That bumbling tadpole is not my Prince Charming.

Jimmy: Well, maybe you just need to jump his lily pad and plant one on him. Come on. I've seen the way you two look at each other.

Lois: [scoffs] You need to get your eyesight checked, Olsen. Clark doesn't like me. He likes... driving me crazy.

Jimmy: Flirtation 101, Lane. I mean, that's what a guy does when he's into a girl.

Lois: Really?

Jimmy: Trust me. Lois and Clark would be great together. I can feel it in my gut.

Lois: Well, take some Ex-Lax, get over it.

Lois: And remember what the General always says: "Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy." (she pauses) You can edit that last part out, right?

Lana: So Oliver Queen moonlights as Green Arrow. Does Clark know about you?

Oliver: I think I can safely say he knows more of my secrets than he does yours. You're not going to tell me you're down here on vacation fishing for marlin, are you?

Lana: We both know that two hours ago more than 430,000 megagigs of LuthorCorp RAM and ethernet cables were running through this place.

Oliver: Sounds like we each came here with a score to settle.

Legion[edit]

[8.11]

Clark: Hey, it's nice to see the kinder, gentler Chloe.

Chloe: Nothing like having a binary bad guy cleansed from your system to put a spring back in your step.

Bulletproof[edit]

[8.12]

Chloe: You know I gotta say being at the mercy of modern technology really sucks. (Clark gives her a strange look) I know, I know, I'm happy to be Brainiac-free but, my evil upgrade was really... convenient.

Power[edit]

[8.13]

Tess: That's a ballsy move, sitting in the boss' chair. Either you have good news for me, or you like to live dangerously close to the edge. (discovers her guard is dead) I guess it's the latter.

Requiem[edit]

[8.14]

Lana: (laughing) Please tell me that the bed was already wobbly.

Clark: Lana, it's made of solid oak. What do you say we find out how strong the floor is?

Infamous[edit]

[8.15]

Lois: What guns you got in your arsenal?

Clark: (Sighs)I guess I might as well just throw it all out there. I can blast fire out of my eyes.

Lois: Okay...

Clark: I can hear a dog barking from ten miles away. I can see through solid objects and I can run faster than the speed of sound.

Lois: Wait. Rewind. (discreetly covers herself) Expand on your whole... see-through-things... thing.

Turbulence[edit]

[8.16]

Clark: Did Lex talk to you about me?

Tess: He kept a journal.

Hex[edit]

[8.17]

Lois: Hey! One year closer to the sweet release of death!

Chloe: How wonderfully morbid.

Zatanna: Rough birthday, huh?

Chloe: You ever seen the napalm scene in Apocalypse Now? More fire, less cake.

Zatanna: I can't ever totally make it up to you or your friends but I would like to try to make sure that something like this doesn't happen again.

Oliver: Here's a thought... don't do it again.

Chloe-as-Lois: It's okay. I'm Chloe.

(Clark gives Chloe-as-Lois a skeptical look)

Chloe-as-Lois: Stood-her-up-at-formal Chloe. Planted-one-on-you-because-Zod-was-ending-the-world Chloe.

(Clark looks even more skeptical)

Chloe-as-Lois: Krypton, Jor-El, Fortress, Brainiac Chloe!

Clark: (truth dawning) Chloe!?

Chloe-as-Lois: Bingo.

Chloe: You already know what you really want. We all do. We just don't listen.

Oliver: And you're sure this is it?

Chloe: This is where I belong.

Computer: Aquaman online. Canary online. Cyborg online. Impulse online.

Oliver: Arrow online.

Chloe: Watchtower is officially online... let's get to work.

Eternal[edit]

[8.18]

Tess: What do you do when you find Judas in your midst? Who would Christ have been if Judas had not betrayed him? Maybe we would remember Jesus as only a teacher roaming the desert.

Davis: I don't quite understand what you're getting at.

Tess: Without Judas, Jesus would never have risen from the dead to come back and face his greatest challenge: saving humankind. There is a savior among us. You are here to betray him.

Stiletto[edit]

[8.19]

Lois: I'll get my best men on it... and when I say men, I mean me because I work in the basement.

Lois: Okay, obviously there's been some sort of mistake. It's not like I squeezed into 5" booted heels for my health.

Hostess: Miss Lane, there's simply nothing I can do.

Lois: Actually, there is. You can tell Edward R. Murrow that he can kiss this cub reporter's sweet...

Chloe: Lois!

Lois: Even when I did lower the bar and tried to slom a Green Arrow interview, it turns out Mr. Emerald-Chaps is another closet case when it comes to publicity.

Beast[edit]

[8.20]

Oliver: So the needs of the Cornfield Killer outweigh the needs of the rest of the world, is that it?

Chloe: Oliver, it's complicated—

Oliver: Oh, it's complicated, yeah. That's the same thing your psychopathic boyfriend told me.

Injustice[edit]

[8.21]

Tess: Where the hell are your pants?

Oliver: Yeah... yeah, I hid my pants.

Doomsday[edit]

[8.22]

Lois: You just want to take over the world with some alien nation.

Tess: I am trying to save the world.

Lois: What's wrong with Greenpeace?

Season 9[edit]

Savior[edit]

[9.01]

Chloe: Dr. Hamilton.

Dr. Hamilton: If you would be so kind as to lower the 9mm Jericho 941. I prefer "Emil."

Clark: (referring to Alia) She told me that I would cause the end of the world. It's like I have a ticking time bomb on me, Chloe, and I only have a year to figure out how to stop it.

Chloe: Well, you can't believe everything an assassin tells you. I mean, what does she know, anyway, right?

Clark: The future.

Chloe: Right. The future

Metallo[edit]

[9.02]

Chloe: Lois stopped by and found Shelby here alone with a dish full of food. Now, don't worry, I covered for you. But you should know that you are now on her radar.

Clark: Thanks. I'll be more careful next time.

Chloe: Dressed like that? Clark, what if I was Lois? She would take one look at you and realize Clark Kent is the Blur.

Clark: I told you, there is no Clark Kent.

Chloe: No disrespect to your Kryptonian calling, but coming back to feed the dog is about as human as it gets. Go

Rabid[edit]

[9.03]

Clark: Oliver, is this your idea of fun now that you've hung up your bow?

Oliver: Should have known it was you. Clark Kent, the king of buzzkill. You and your pet rock put on a hell of a barbecue, but I had my money on Doomsday, so...

Clark: You can try and play it off as a joke. But I know that the loss of Jimmy affected us both.

Oliver: Well, I guess God's got a sick sense of humor. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be taking your name in vain.

Clark: I'm trying to make up for what happened, not add myself to the casualty list.

Oliver: Yeah, well, I can't get my thrills leaping tall buildings or outrunning speeding bullets. We mere mortals, we have to rely on a tweaked-out Ducati and the open road.

Emil: I could try. It'll take me at least a half hour to cross town.

Clark: Do you get motion sickness?

Emil: Mm, not really. Why do you ask?

(Clark grabs Emil and super-speeds away, leaving Chloe alone)

Chloe: Really?

Echo[edit]

[9.04]

Chloe: So the question is: how do we know that this isn't just your super hearing on the fritz?

Clark: As loud as Lois is, even she can't speak with her mouth closed.

Chloe: Good point.

Clark: What are you doing here? (hears Lois's thoughts)

Lois: Standing in the shadow of six-and-a-half foot of handsome. No, Lois, he doesn't get off that easy. Kick his ass!

Roulette[edit]

[9.05]

Oliver: Nice to play. I just started asking myself who knew about Lex, about Toyman. The things I'd given up, what I tried to do. Then it all occurred to me. Dinah shattered the glass in the warehouse, Bart rescued me from the car, Victor faked the computers, and Watchtower kept an eye on the whole thing. Right?

Chloe: You were living like you had a death wish, Oliver. You had to face your demons if you were ever going to make it out alive. And I had to push you over the ledge in order to pull you back.

Oliver: Did you have to push with a 3-ton truck?

Chloe: I didn't think a tricycle would be a strong enough point.

Oliver: You saved my life, Chloe. Both the myth... and the man.

Lois: So... what was that about?

Oliver: Uh-oh. I've seen that look before, usually right before you sock me in the jaw.

Clark: I heard you were back.

Oliver: You do know, of course, you look absolute ridiculous in that, right? And I got a great tailor, hook you up with a little color, maybe.

Clark: Nice to see you finally discovered something worth living for after all.

Oliver: You've done a hell of a job keeping the world safe on your own, Clark. I'm here to help you now.

Clark: Good. Something tells me...soon the world will need all the help we can get.

Crossfire[edit]

[9.06]

Lois: Look, I appreciate you helping me audition, I'm still angry you didn't tell me how bad Oliver was doing, but you're here anyway, so please, don't make me wish you weren't.

Clark: It's okay, Lois. You don't need to get all worked up like you usually do.

Lois: Well, excuse me Mr. I'm-slow-and-steady-and-know-what's-best-for-everyone, this happens to be important to me. With newspapers on the endangered species list, news television is my one and only back-up plan.

Clark: Don't you think you can be a little less dramatic with this whole thing?

Lois: You could be a little more passionate with this whole thing. But not you, not mild-mannered Clark Kent. Do you even care if I get this job?

Clark: Of course I care, I bought a new tie.

Lois: Oh, well I bought a whole new outfit.

Clark: Yeah, you look great.

Lois: Don't do that.

Clark: Do what?

Lois: Don't you dare reassure me right now.

Clark: Lois, I'm only doing this for you. How else am I going to get that second date?

Lois: (Pauses) Well, you should have thought of that before you stood me up the first time.

Lois: (talking to the waiter) You got anything stronger?

Waiter: Of course.

Clark: Last thing you need is a drink Lois.

Lois: Thanks Clark. You sound like my mother on prom night. How do I look?

Clark: If this were a prom, you'd be crowned queen. Your date's a lucky man.

Lois: Do I detect a note of jealousy in the notoriously nice Clark Kent? Be careful my date doesn't hear you. He might just have to take you down.

Clark: (chuckles) Like to see him try.

Lois: You know what they say: all's fair in love and war.

Clark: And what's it gonna be for us Lois? Love or war?

Lois: Clark, it sounds like you're asking me out on another date?

Clark: If I was, would you say yes?

Lois: I'll tell you what I'd say... (sees Oliver walking in) Oliver!

(Clark walks in the Daily Planet bullpen, sees Lois reading something, and nervously walks up to her.)

Clark: Lois?

Lois: Did you hear? The brilliant brass over at KZXP have decided to go with someone else for their morning show.

Clark: Lois?

Lois: After everything that happened, after Ollie and I almost got killed, guess who they've decided to go with? (She shows him a promo picture of Catherine Grant as the new correspondent.)

Lois: Apparently blondes test better with morning viewers.

Clark: Lois!

Lois: I'm sorry, I never should have tried out in the first place, or dragged you with me, and I just-

(Clark grabs her and passionately kisses her. At first, she is surprised, then she kisses him back)

Kandor[edit]

[9.07]

Oliver: You know, Clark, if you wanna bury me in the desert for going on that date with Lois... you could've at least taken me to Nevada.

Clark: Oliver, let's not...

Oliver: I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still gonna put up a fight. But maybe we could've hit the Strip before the main event, you know what I mean? Maybe a little Blue Man Group... maybe a little Carrot Top. You know, what I'm getting you next year for Christmas is a sense of humor.

Idol[edit]

[9.08]

Lois: I thought, you know, the ride would give us a chance to get past the whole kiss-and-run of it all and get to know each other better.

Clark: Better? You tell me the color of your underwear every day. What else is there to know?

Pandora[edit]

[9.09]

Lois: (Upon entering Watchtower) OK Chloe, you remember when we were ten and I kicked you out of my culbhouse for spilling soda and you said you'd just build a cooler one? You win.

Zod: I'm General Zod. And all of this is mine to give if you give me the names of whoever snuck you into the restricted zone.

Lois: My Dad's a general, too. And he still couldn't get me to spill how I got an M1 Abrams tank to take me to the prom. So I'm definitely not telling you anything.

Oliver: Five dozen roses? Wow. That's subtle.

Disciple[edit]

[9.10]

Clark: "That's PDA #5, not that I'm keeping track."

Lois: Clark, sorry I'm late. I was watching the monster truck jump finals, Grave Maker lost his drive train. He is never coming back.

Clark: It's okay Lois he's just a truck.

Lois: Aw Clark, come on that's like saying Tommy Lee's just a drummer. Sometimes I worry there is no poetry in you.

Clark: You just have to look a little deeper.

Vordigan: (Off screen) At last, the apprentice heeds his master's call. (Fires and arrow that knocks Oliver's bow out of his hands) You know why you're here?

Oliver: (removes his sunglasses and hood) Vordigan, our pathes split a long time ago.

Vordigan: You took your vows Oliver. Now its time to fulfill them.

Oliver: You embracred me as your own son, but I can't follow in your footsteps.

Absolute Justice[edit]

[9.11]

Oliver: (walking into Watchtower) Anyone home?

Chloe: What's up?

Oliver: Nothing, actually. I, uh, I thought I'd stop by and see if anyone's hungry.

John Jones: I could use some dinner. Chloe?

Chloe: Uh, sure. You're buying, Mr. Queen.

John Jones: Don't look at me, I'm living off a policeman's salary.

Oliver: Ah, fine. Dessert's on you.

John Jones: On Mars, we never had dessert. But I have grown especially fond of cookies.

Oliver: Where are the other SuperFriends?

Chloe: Still waiting for them to ring me back. See, this is why I keep asking everyone to come up with some sort of standardized trouble alert. The team needs structure.

Oliver: Is that what we're lacking? You're really on a kick lately. Personal phone conversations... bank records... Amazon wish list.

Chloe: Big sister's watching.

Oliver: Is that my e-mail? Chloe, I'll have you know that those messages between me and Canary were purely platonic.

Chloe: Can we skip your virtual love life and actually focus on the job here?

Green Arrow: I hate waiting.

Hawkman: You like talking. Shut up.

Green Arrow: Why did they pair us up together?

Hawkman: I requested it, so I could keep you in line.

Green Arrow: What, you're my chaperone?

Hawkman: think of me as your parole officer... but with a mace.

Green Arrow: (after Clark states that none of them are bad guys) You sure about that Clark? Winged Wonder here threw me through a window.

Hawkman: I hope I didn't make you cry.

Green Arrow: Drop the mace, Conan.

Hawkman: I will, on your head.

Green Arrow: (walking towards Hawkman) Bring it, Big Bird. Just remember you started it.

Hawkman: I'll finish it.

Warrior[edit]

[9.12]

Chloe: Slow night?

Oliver: Figured I'd squeeze in some target practice... and a single malt.

Chloe: Did you bring enough for the rest of the class?

Oliver: Help yourself, professor. You're running a little low on allegory tonight. Bumpy day?

Chloe: Not the smoothest. Someone asked me when the last time I had a good time was, and I didn't have an answer.

Oliver: I don't think anyone can fault you for being on the edge, Chloe. Hell, if anyone can relate it's me. I get it.

Chloe: Yeah, you can.

Oliver: You know... sometimes you got to take your fun where you can get it. And sometimes... it's right in front of your face. You just have to want to see it. Come on.

Chloe: How do I know when to let go?

Oliver: It's all about your heart. Just listen. Right there in between the beats. That's when you let go.

Persuasion[edit]

[9.13]

Clark: I need to figure out a way to reverse this. I think I breathed in some sort of new meteor rock.

Emil: (laughs) Dude, hasn't anyone ever told you not to inhale?

Conspiracy[edit]

[9.14]

Oliver: A lot of women have used me for my money, I never expected it from you.

Chloe: I wasn't stealing from you Oliver, I was borrowing the cash. I'm buying insurance for the entire planet.

Chloe: All the I.D.'s I gave Clark have computer tracking chips in them. I want to keep an eye on the visitors from another planet.

Oliver: Welcome to "1984: The Sullivan Edition."

Escape[edit]

[9.15]

Maggie: I have your room all ready, Mrs. Green, except you didn't say what size bed you'd prefer.

Chloe: Make it a Queen.

Clark: Quiet weekend at home, huh?

Chloe: Trust me, we had no idea the two of you would be there.

Lois: And we had no idea there was even a "you two," which I think is perfect. I think fate has brought us together.

Oliver: Well, it's a... it's... it's a little less fate, actually.

Chloe: (cuts in) More fame.

Oliver: (mumbles) Like fame.

Chloe: This inn is so far off the beaten bath that even the society pages couldn't find Star City's most eligible bachelor here.

Lois: You mean ex-bachelor.

Lois: Let's talk about Mr. Green, in the bedroom, with my cousin.

Oliver: And there it is.

Checkmate[edit]

[9.16]

Green Arrow: You could use some conflict resolution. (steps in front of Tess) Rule Number 1: You don't shoot your date. Rule Number 2: Think about your wardrobe choices.

Edward Lott: You're one to talk.

Green Arrow: Oh, don't get me wrong, I love black on black, it's just really hard to pull off.

Edward Lott: It's easier than you think.

Green Arrow: (shoots him with a taser arrow) Rule Number 3: You gotta know when to say goodnight.

Tess: Black on black, that's hard for you to pull off.

Oliver: Well, it's easier than you think. (pauses)

Tess: (realizes something) Green Arrow.

Upgrade[edit]

[9.17]

Chloe: I should have known that Clark took a walk down the ruby-red road. That explains his lack of "edit" button.

Tess: I thought Clark was only affected by green meteor. What's the red do?

'Chloe: Basically it turns him into the bad boy every girl dreams of... in her nightmares.

Lois: Tess. How not surprised am I to see you here. By the way, this is the least-secret secret lab I've ever been in... twice.

Charade[edit]

[9.18]

Franklin Stern: Let me guess. You two have a lovers' spat?

Lois: Clark and I don't spat. There was no spatting

Sacrifice[edit]

[9.19]

Clark: I let myself in.

Oliver: Terrific. You, uh, hop up to the helipad or just superspeed past security, Clark?

Clark: I used the elevator.

Oliver: How human of you.

Hostage[edit]

[9.20]

Clark: I wish you could come back and visit more often.

Martha: I had to let go of this place for a while, Clark, but I never let go of you. I'll be back soon.

Clark: Maybe next time you can ease up on the kryptonite

Salvation[edit]

[9.21]

Clark: (to Lois) Look, my whole life has been full of relationships that have ended too soon. And then when I went away last fall, I... Lois, I felt so lost. When I came back to the bullpen... you were there waiting for me. You jumped out of your seat, you threw your arms around me, and the way that your eyes sparkled when you smiled, I just... I knew. I just knew that you were the one that I've always needed. And I needed you to know that.

Season 10[edit]

Lazarus[edit]

[10.01]

Chloe Sullivan: Show me where Oliver is.

Helmet of Nabu: Would you sacrifice your sanity to save the Archer?

Clark Kent: I died to save the world.

Jor-El: Evil never ends. By sacrificing yourself, you have left the humans vulnerable to future threats.

Clark Kent: I left a team of heroes behind to protect them.

Jor-El: You were meant to be Earth's greatest protector. Now, they are about to face the greatest evil without you.

Clark Kent: Then send me back! I know my fate! To step into the light! To be a symbol of hope for them.

Jor-El: I told you to rule with strength, but you chose the martyr's path. What makes you think you deserve a second chance?

Clark Kent: I can do it. I can be their hero!

Clark Kent: Sometimes I think it would be easier if you were here.

Jonathan Kent: Not a day goes by, Clark, when I don't regret not being able to be right here for you. I would do anything, I would give anything to able to get a second chance to get it right. You got that second chance, son. You could be the greatest hero the world has ever known.

Clark Kent: Not according to Jor-El.

Jonathan Kent: Well, then, do what you do best. Prove him wrong. Jor-El was right about one thing. Something dark is coming. You're gonna be tested. It's not gonna be easy, son. But I have faith in you.

Clark Kent: I defeated Lex. I refused to let him win. And I pushed myself harder than I ever have before. For a second, I thought I was flying. But I saved everyone, I don't know how but I saved them all. I've finally become the hero you sent me here to be.

Jor-El: Pride... vanity... you almost took a man's life and you dare tell me you are following the path that I set out for you?

Clark Kent: You told me that I have unfinished business. An evil here that I had to face! And Lex...!

Jor-El: The evil is you, Kal-El. The greatest threat Earth will face is coming. It preys on wavering souls like yours. Once this darkness consumes you, you will be Earth's greatest enemy.

Clark Kent: That's not my fate.

Jor-El: You cannot be a beacon of hope when you have darkness in your heart.

Clark Kent: Then why did you send me back? Why did you give me a second chance?!

Jor-El: I didn't. It was not my decision to give you back your life.

Clark Kent: You may not see me as a hero. But the rest of the world does! And I decide my fate!

Jor-El: I regret as a father, my faith in you blinded me to the truth. You will never be Earth's savior.

Rick Flag: Your satellite was tracking them - symbols that looked just like The Blur's, which makes him the person of interest. But what's your connection to all this?

Oliver Queen: Man, I told you. You got this whole thing wrong, okay? I'm what you call a good guy here! I'm not guilty of anything here except trying to save the world! All right? And I would tell you who from but I don't think you'd believe me.

Rick Flag: Try me.

Oliver Queen: These little green guys from outer space. (laughs)

Shield[edit]

[10.02]

Tess Mercer: [Reading Chloe's letter to Oliver] "Oliver, I never thought I'd have to tell you how I feel about us because the smile on my lips when I looked at you pretty much said it all. But now that you won't be seeing it anymore I'll have to use words to tell you. I've never loved anyone the way I've loved you and I never will again. You are my brightest star, my knight in shining leather, my hero." ...Oliver, this may be difficult for you to face, but I didn't write this. We both know Chloe did.

Tess Mercer: (to Oliver) Trust never was the golden rule for the kids in this clubhouse.

Carter Hall: You know, the philosopher Nietzsche believed we shouldn't live for the future, but for the present. He thought that people who chased after some far-off future dream were really running away from their true destiny.

Lois Lane: Yeah, well, Nietzsche can call me a chicken if he wants, but he has never dated someone like Clark Kent.

Carter Hall: It wouldn't have mattered. To him, the true hero was the person who embraced the life that he or she was given and made it better. He called that person "Übermensch."

Lois Lane: A Superman.

Carter Hall: Nietzsche believed we could all be one. In our own way.

Carter Hall: (to Lois) I guess you never know what fate has planned for you.

Rick Flag: Let's give these boys a taste of what it's like to mess with the Suicide Squad.

Supergirl[edit]

[10.03]

Kara Kent: It was a start.

Clark Kent: It's not flying if it's mostly falling.

Darkseid (in Gordon Godfrey's body): (to Clark) Are you sure you can win against me? You know what I am. You know the doubt in your heart. You so-called heroes are false gods, all of you. And when people stop believing in you, you'll shatter like glass.

Lois Lane: Somebody should put Godfrey in some serious restraints. Who knew Mr. Family Values had such a dark side?

Kara Kent: Godfrey's not so special. There's two sides to everyone... even heroes.

Kara Kent: It's critical that I get my image around the city, as soon as possible. You just have to trust me Kal-El. I'm doing this for you.

Clark Kent: Kara, this doesn't feel like much of a favor.

Kara Kent: I've searched so long for my mother, and I never found her. You and I are the last survivors of the House of El. And after everything that we've been through together, I had to come back to the one place in the universe that I had family.

Clark Kent: Well, what you are doing right now, flies in the face of how I've chosen to live on this planet my whole life. We both know that. Now if you really care about family, tell me what you doing here and stop avoiding the question!

Kara Kent: I didn't want to hurt you. Jor-El has given me a mission. I'm getting my powers and image around the city as part of it.

Clark Kent: He gave you a mission? What did he say?

Kara Kent: He's let you go, Kal-El. I'm sorry. He says, you're no longer his son.

Lois Lane: There is a guy out there, Gordon Godfrey, and he thinks that Green Arrow is my ex-boyfriend.

Oliver Queen: He does?

Lois Lane: Hmm.

Oliver Queen: You know I think we just leave him alone. You know let the blowhard eventually blow himself out, and in the meantime I can handle a few slings and arrows. I'm sure you can too.

Lois Lane: Oliver, Godfrey's got proof! He has a secret chapter about you, and he's gonna post it online tomorrow. He knows who you are.

Oliver Queen: Maybe people deserve to know the truth.

Lois Lane: People deserve to be saved. And it's safer for you to be in the shadows, it's safer for all the heroes.

Oliver Queen: Maybe, or maybe the cost of keeping my secret is getting too high, and it's time to pay the piper.

Lois Lane: If you're not seriously gonna stand up and kick this creep to the curb, then I will!

Homecoming[edit]

[10.04]

Lois Lane: Come on. Did you forget? Tomorrow's our Smallville High reunion.

Clark Kent: Did you say our reunion?

Lois Lane: Yes.

Clark Kent: You were enrolled there for like...

Lois Lane: Twenty three days.

Clark Kent: You showed up for five.

Lois Lane: That's a record in my book. Smallville is the closest thing to a past that this military brat has, and I am not gonna miss it. We don't have to be dating to show up at a reunion together.

Clark Kent: There's a lot of memories there for me.

Lois Lane: Come on, Clark. It would mean a lot to me, seeing all those familiar faces, like I had a place to fit in. And you, I mean, you put the Smallville in Smallville, Smallville.

Clark Kent: I don't know if you're a ghost from my past or the darkness Jor-El that warned me about, but this will come to an end, just like I did the last time.

Brainiac 5: I hope so for your sake.

Clark Kent: My sake? You sent the person I love away. You tried to destroy Chloe, you tried to destroy the world.

Brainiac 5: And you saved me from all of that, Kal-El. I have come back to do the same for you. (shows wearing Legion ring)

Clark Kent: The Legion. You're from the future. What'd you do to them?

Brainiac 5: I joined them. In the 31st century, I'm known as Brainiac 5. The ring, time travel - all my creatons. I brought the league into a new realm of heroism.

Clark Kent: I helped them destroy you.

Brainiac 5: No. They helped you cure me. The problem is Kal-El, you and I aren't very different. We were both created in one way or another by Jor-El, both intended to save civilizations, to bring peace to a brutal world. But neither was immune to corruption to darkness.

Clark Kent: What does that mean? All of sudden everyone's telling me that I have darkness within me. I don't understand what it is or how I'm suppose to change it. You destroyed cities. I may not make the right decisions, but at least I'm trying to save people.

Brainiac 5: Then let me show you, Kal-El. We can't always see it in ourselves, my corruption started with a nanobyte - smaller than the eye can see. But that's all it took.

Future Lois Lane: Wait a minute. Oh, no. Kryptonite again?

Clark Kent: Look, I...

Future Lois Lane: (looks into Clark's eyes) Blue? Red? Not green? Please tell me it's not the black. Because that was a disaster.

Clark Kent: Look, I just... I need the Legion ring. Lois, do you know where it is?

Future Lois Lane: Is that a joke, Clark? Touch it once, shame on you. Touch it twice it, shame on me. And actually, I could really use it right now, because we need to be on the opposite sides of town in ten minutes.

Brainiac 5: I'm only here for you. I wanted to slow things down. Make sure you can soak in this special moment.

Clark Kent: And what's so special about this moment?

Brainiac 5: This is the moment that your life changes forever.

Future Clark Kent: (to Clark, describing his Lois) She's a handful, isn't she? You're right on time.

Clark Kent: You knew I'd be here.

Future Clark Kent: Time travel. Think it through.

Clark Kent: Because you were me when you went through this and I'm...

Future Clark Kent: Well done, my man.

Clark Kent: How did I become so uptight? (looks his future self up and down) And nerdy?

Future Clark Kent: (irritated) There's no time to chat about how, when, and why! We've been through weirder things and I need you on the roof!

Clark Kent: When did I start taking orders?

Future Clark Kent: There's a nuclear reactor that's about to blow on the other side of town. Now, I can't be in two places at once.

Clark Kent: If you knew it was going to happen, then why didn't you stop it?

Future Clark Kent: Because then you wouldn't have experienced all this. And you would never have become me.

Clark Kent: (under his breath) That's too bad.

Future Clark Kent: Roof. Now. (superspeeds away)

Clark Kent: (inspired) That's what I become.

Isis[edit]

[10.05]

Cat Grant: (to Clark) Won't this be the greatest, working together again? Our names looked terrific side-by-side on that byline. I mean, it's like we were meant to be partners, Clark. You're the Popeye to my Olive. The Mickey to my Minnie.

Lois Lane: The sick to my stomach.

(Cat Grant sees Lois and thinking she's the Blur, Cat grabs a pen and stabs her)

Lois Lane: Ow! Uh What the hell? (goes to punch Cat but is stopped by Clark)

Clark Kent: Ladies, who wants to go first?

Lois Lane: She stabbed me!

Cat Grant: (at the same time as Lois) She's the Blur!

Lois Lane: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. And I thought you were a bottle blonde.

Clark Kent: In the future, Lois already knew about me. What I didn't see is how I told her and when. My instincts have always been to keep my secret, but then I see five minutes of the future that seems too good to be true, and-

Oliver Queen: You came over here hoping that I would try to talk you out of telling her, right?

Clark Kent: No. Maybe.

Oliver Queen: Well... I hate to break it to you, but I say go for it. Best thing I ever did. I could finally be myself. And it turns out people actually like the real me.

Clark Kent: If I remember correctly, coming out to Lois did not have a happy ending. You told Lois the truth, and she dumped you.

Oliver Queen: That - We broke up. Look, Lois and I were never really meant to be together. Clark, she loves you. That makes you a lucky man. Take it from me, living without love is not really living, it's just sort of existing. The question you have to ask yourself is what are you willing to risk for love?

Tess Mercer: So let me get this straight. Lois finds a necklace, gets possessed by an Egyptian Goddess, and now is flying around like Amelia Earhart, minus the plane.

Oliver Queen: Just another Friday night in Metropolis. Who's ready for the weekend?

Clark Kent: All my life I've been afraid, Lois. Afraid of people knowing the truth about me. Afraid of them rejecting me, and even if they didn't, still losing them. I've been afraid of everything I can't control. But when I was faced with the idea of losing you forever, it made me realize there's something I'd regret more than anything else, and that's not telling you the truth about me. 'Cause that's the only way we could share a life together. I know the odds are stacked against us and we'd be risking everything, but if you're ready to take that leap, there's no one else that I'd want to take that leap with. Lois, you've had a lot of questions about The Blur, it's me. I'm The Blur.

Lois Lane: (jumps on Clark, kissing him) What took you so long?

Clark Kent: (confused, realizing that she already knows) What? You...

Harvest[edit]

[10.06]

Lois Lane: Our "Twilight Zone" acid trip to the, uh, Phantom prison - that place was...

Clark Kent: Kryptonian.

Lois Lane: Mm. And that horny-toad-looking thing that crashed Chloe and Jimmy's wedding?

Clark Kent: Kryptonian.

Lois Lane: Mm. And the spaceship that I found in the woods near the dam?

Clark Kent: Also Kryptonian, but it wasn't mine - it was my cousin's.

Lois Lane: Sorry about the third degree, Clark. It's just not every week a girl learns her boyfriend's an...

Clark Kent: Alien? And you're still okay with that?

Lois Lane: Are you kidding me? It's like dating a god or Bono.

Lois Lane: Meteor rock. Maybe that's why when I pulled that blue dagger out of your chest, you - you healed.

Clark Kent: You did that?

Lois Lane: Yeah.

Clark Kent: Lois, you didn't just heal me, you brought me back. You saved me.

Lois Lane: Well sometimes even the hero needs a guardian angel, Clark.

Christina Lamell: If we don't begin his therapy immediately, he'll be dead within six weeks.

Tess Mercer: That's the point. Because he's not just a clone... he is Lex Luthor.

Lois Lane: Hear me out, Clark. Okay, I wasn't a big fan of Ollie's coming-out party, and I used to think that it was best for you to stay in the shadows, too, but maybe someday soon, you'll have to step into the light. You can be a symbol to inspire everyone that this planet could be a better place.

Clark Kent: I'm not sure anyone's ready to believe a stranger from a strange land.

Lois Lane: If they know the real Clark Kent, then I am sure the rest of the world will believe in you as much as I do.

Clark Kent: If we leave now, we'll be back in a flash.

Lois Lane: Oh, but Clark, I'm such a delicate flower... I will, I will wilt in that heat.

Ambush[edit]

[10.07]

Clark Kent: So, what are you in the mood for?

Lois Lane: Oh, I'm in the mood. Just not for breakfast.

Clark Kent: Lois, the bedroom's upstairs.

Lois Lane: Mm-hmm. But the porch swing - it's out there.

Clark Kent: (to Oliver, as they are talking in the loft) You got to go.

Oliver Queen: What, the window? What are we, 16?

Clark Kent: Now.

Clark Kent: We look after each other.

Sam Lane: Good. Because if Lois is going to spend any time around here, I've had a look around, and there's a few things that are gonna have to be brought up to code.

Clark Kent: Like scrubbing the bathroom tile with a toothbrush?

Sam Lane: That's number 17 on the list.

Clark Kent: (looks at list) I guess you're not kidding.

Sam Lane: No, I never do.

Clark Kent: It's over, Flag. We know you blew up that building.

Green Arrow: Fancy move attacking your own country.

Rick Flag: I did it for my country. If you kill Lane, you kill a movement. That registration act is nothing but a weapon to profile, hunt, and destroy us.

Green Arrow: We don't need a history lesson.

Rick Flag: Well, apparently you do, Shamrock. You've become the politicians' poster boy for full disclosure. They're gonna be on your doorstep soon, holding you up as a volunteer. Get up all the other heroes to stand up and be counted and be killed.

Clark Kent: We're not gonna let that happen.

Rick Flag: If the bill passes, it already has! Don't you see? America's turning against us. We have got to fight back, show strength, make them choose us as their leaders.

Clark: You'll be stirring up anti-hero hysteria. Violence isn't the answer.

Rick Flag: Violence is the only answer. And more and more superheroes are coming to my side.

Tess Mercer: No need to worry, my friend.

Oliver Queen: I think it's a little early for "friend." "Friendly" - I can do that. I can be friendly.

Tess Mercer: I'll take it. I was beginning to think the best I could do was "frenemy."

Oliver Queen: I don't even know what that means. We've, uh... We've survived tax audits and typhoons together, Tess. I think we're practically like family at this point.

Tess Mercer: We've come a long way. From the middle of the ocean to the top of the city.

Oliver Queen: I can work with that.

Abandoned[edit]

[10.08]

Granny Goodness: Do you know, I've been always been able to tell an abandoned soul when I see one. It's a gift.

Tess Mercer: Do the girls come here as - as babies?

Granny Goodness: Unfortunately, tragedy strikes as it pleases. They come at any age.

Tess Mercer: It must be difficult to find the older ones permanent homes.

Granny Goodness: Well, the truth is, by the time I get my hands on the lost souls, they no longer have that cute baby scent childless couples yearn for.

Tess Mercer: The children don't spend their entire childhood here, do they?

Granny Goodness: Oh, mercy me. You make it sound like punishment.

Granny Goodness: I've been training my girls for decades not to blend into society - but to conquer it. Here...and around the world. My girls know I'll always be here for them. And I know they'll never desert me.

Lois Lane: Hello. Mister...El? I'm here to talk about your son, Clark. Kal-El. Look, I know as a parent, you had to make the hardest decision ever to save your son and send him here alone. When my Mom was dying, she tried to protect me, too. And I love her, but she was wrong. I will never get to hold her again. But you - you can still be there for Clark - I mean, Kal-El. Your son needs a father who believes in him. I-I wish I knowing that I loved him was enough. But Clark Kent can't fully hear it with the ghost of your disappointment haunting him. You're stopping him from fulfilling his potential. He's an amazing man. He's a hero. (waits for a response from Jor-El, nothing) Really? Nothing? You know, you may not care about anybody else but yourself, but Clark does. And you're not 1/10 the Kryptonian he is. He's lucky to be rid of you!

Lara: My son, I only had the joy for knowing you a few weeks. I wish I could be with you always to guide you and protect you.

Jor-El: We don't have much time.

Lara: My dearest Kal-El, our love will always be with you. I can already see you carry within your father's independent spirit.

Jor-El: But, more importantly, your mother's never ending bravery and her compassionate heart.

Lara: Your father tells me that the new world you are journeying to, Earth, is full of complicated beings capable of great emotion. My wish is for you to live a full and wonderful life, but I need you to know that you were born of a great love. And, your brilliant father has devised a way for you to carry on that love without us.

Jor-El: The ship that I designed to carry you to your destiny can only hold one Kryptonian, one who has so much potential, so unlike your father.

Lara: No.

Jor-El: Your mother and I cannot come with you, to do so would burden your innocent soul with our frailties and our failures. But you have within you, the best of both of us, and I am sending you with all of my knowledge and none of my ego or regrets. They will die with me here on Krypton. Whatever trials I put you through, I will never lose faith in you.

Lara: (Whispers to Jor-El) Quickly, before it's too late. We may not have been able to save our planet...

Jor-El: But we are confident you will become Earth's greatest savior. And never doubt that, just as you're a part of us, we will always be a part of you. Farewell, my son.

Desaad: Godfrey has been chosen. Our Dark Lord has anointed him... made him like us - a prophet. He is Darkseid's third minion.

Gordon Godfrey: So I do have a higher purpose.

Desaad: Yes, Godfrey. Your golden voice is broadcast around the world.

Granny Goodness: Not impressed. And you - I see you're enjoying your clubs. They seem more popular than ever.

Desaad: Our unholy trinity is complete. I bind their bodies, Godfrey breaks their spirit, and you, my beloved friend, you clear their minds, preparing the way for Lord Darkseid.

Patriot[edit]

[10.09]

Clark Kent: Seismic activity.

Arthur Curry: That's how Mera found the place. She's pretty amazing - smart, passionate, fiery. Even helped me understand my true origins.

Clark Kent: You really went off the high dive for her

Arthur Curry: I'm so much more with her than I'm solo.

Clark Kent: You don't feel guilty, putting her in danger?

Arthur Curry: Mera can hold her own. If you're worried about someone a little less superpowered, Mera helped me realize that standing on the sidelines isn't the same as being in the game.

Lieutenant Trotter: Almost done, Mr. Queen.

Oliver Queen: What's with the secret workout room here, huh? Is this a, uh, a secret tryout for the NFL?

Slade Wilson: You're strong and extremely agile with coordination that's off the charts.

Oliver Queen: I'm human.

Slade Wilson: Well, I commend your performance. We'd love to have someone with your gifts serve our country. Help us bring in your less cooperative cohorts.

Oliver Queen: Look, I'll be your poster boy. I'll say your words, I'll be your face, but it ends with me, you understand? Now, there are people out there who want to believe in you. They want to believe in this country. Give them a chance to prove that, to be the heroes that we all need.

Slade Wilson: You got nerve, I like that. But your draft card wasn't a two-for-one special. Please, allow me to make a more convincing argument.

Mera: I am Mera, wife of Orin, future king of the Seven Seas. The one you call Arthur Curry.

Lois Lane: A.C. got married. Aren't you just full of reveals?

Mera: Orin is finally embracing his destiny and leading his people.

Lois Lane: Hang on. "His people." Like, down under and not Australia? Anyway, I need to find Clark.

Mera: Certainly you're not a partner in his endeavors?

Lois Lane: Wow, some people get a ring on their finger, and everyone else's relationship just doesn't cut it.

Mera: Spoken like one who can't be satisfied by a man of her own kind. You desire those who are extraordinary - first Orin, then Oliver, now Clark.

Lois Lane: You've gotta be kidding me? Little Mermaid? Your prince and I dated for a day.

Mera: It's understandable that you would seek a superior being companion. I'm just surprised that powerful men would choose someone of lesser ability.

Lois Lane: Listen, squid lips, you don't know anything about me or Clark.

Mera: I know you came here looking for Clark. You're in the dark...protected but not included. Do you really want the harsh light of truth?

Clark Kent: Slade! I'm not gonna let you continue destroying people's faith in justice.

Slade Wilson: Made of steel, or just a man? You can't be both. (shoots at Clark, bullets ricochet off him) So it is you. (Slade presses a button on the wall, kryptonite-lined wall surrounds Clark)

Clark Kent: What are you doing? I need to get you out of here!

Slade Wilson: This whole place was built for the express purpose of containing your kind. And your weakness was the hardest to learn. You see? You're not above the law. You're not even above me.

Clark Kent: How can you be so determined in seeing us as the enemy, instead of working with us. Look... let me save you. You'll never get out!

Slade Wilson: I know, but it's worth it. To destroy the single greatest threat to democracy, no civilian in this country should be more powerful than the law. That's what keeps the order. That's what keeps us strong.

Clark Kent: Shut it down. Let me help you.

Slade Wilson: I'd rather die for my country than be saved by an abomination like you.

Clark Kent: You asked me a question. I guess you'll get your answer. I am man and steel.

Arthur Curry: Glad you didn't find your Davy Jones down there after that explosion.

Clark Kent: I know how much you love the water, but I couldn't be happier to have my two feet on solid ground.

Arthur Curry: Oh, just as well. 'Cause let's be honest, underwater, you look like a clown fish.

Luthor[edit]

[10.10]

Clark Kent: Emil finally finished working through the files we found after the fire. There's one body still unaccounted for - LX-15. There's another Lex on the loose.

Tess Mercer: Why look here? I closed the book on this place months ago.

Clark Kent: Supplies are still being sent here.

Tess Mercer: Someone's helping him survive, but you're assuming he's a threat just because he's a Luthor. What ever happened to everyone deserving a second chance?

Clark Kent: No, Luthor blood is Luthor blood. It's poison.

Lionel Luthor-2: The heart - it'll blind you, son. You want to be your own man. That's natural. But remember, Clark - I am your father and I alone raised you in my own image to become the man that you are today.

Clark Kent: I must have lost perspective.

Lionel Luthor-2: But that's why I'm here - to set you back on the right path. You could conquer the universe. The Man of Tomorrow - Clark Luthor! I sometimes shudder to think what would have happened to my little traveler if he had been discovered in that cornfield by the first ignorant farmer that came along. Where on earth would you be now?

Clark Luthor: Hardly any trace of Lionel at all. It's refreshing, actually...being out from under our father's shadow.

Tess Mercer: Lionel Luthor's been dead for years. Lex killed him.

Clark Luthor: I guess Lex did something right in this place. I got to tell you, sis - this alternate Earth - it's a blast. Doesn't feel right, though. Not having blood on my hands before lunch.

Clark Kent: I'm sorry, it's just something I had to do.

Lois Queen: Stay away from me Clark or Ultraman or whoever the hell you are! I know what happens when someone sees your face. Help!

Clark Kent: Lois, where I'm from, Lois Lane, you and I are allies. You always have my back, how else would I know that you're brave and loyal and a force of nature?

Lois Queen: Anybody could have told you that about me.

Clark Kent: Look, You misspell words, simple words at an alarmingly frequent basis. Can you never admit I'm right even when I call you on it?

Lois Queen: Why would I?

Clark Kent: You can always tell when I'm lying, you can see right through me, straight to my soul... to my heart. Lois, there's got to be a part of you that knows I'm telling the truth.

Lois Queen: Who are you?

Clark Kent: My name is Clark Kent and I promise Lois, I will never let this happen to us. I can't live in a world where you don't love me.

Lois Lane: What are these for?

Clark Kent: Nothing says "Sorry My Doppelganger From A Parallel Earth Tried To Kill You" like flowers.

Lois Lane: I think there's a card for that now.

Clark Kent: The store was out. I destroyed the mirror box. You won't ever have to worry about seeing him again.

Lois Lane: He wasn't you, Clark. I mean, not you you.

Clark Kent: Well, I know the circumstances were different from that side, but that was still me in that mirror. And the way you looked at me, Lois, it was so much hate...it was like you already formed your opinion about Clark Luthor - for good reason. He was a monster. I was a monster.

Lois Lane: Kind of makes you wonder how "Earth Two" Lois Lane managed to put up with such a colossal tool.

Clark Kent: Consider yourself universally consistent. Didn't cut him any slack. But I do think she was about to give him another chance.

Lois Lane: You don't need to worry about second chances with me. You're doing really well with the first one.

Icarus[edit]

[10.11]

Clark Kent: (nervously to Lois) Listen, why don't we go get something to eat at the new place?

Lois Lane: You mean the place that requires reservations six months in advance? That's a nice thought Romeo but we will never get a table

Clark Kent: We will never know unless we ask and I hope the answer is yes.

Oliver Queen: Clark, come on. Now the whole world thinks I'm a terrorist. I mean, that's not exactly something you want on your Fortune 500 bio or at your wedding, so...

Clark Kent: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I was just about to invite you to be my best man. You're the guy who stands next to me on the worst days of my life. And I want you there for the best one, too.

Oliver Queen: Hey, I - you kidding? Absolutely. Thank you. (shakes Clark's hand)

Carter Hall: All I can say is when it comes to planning the wedding, just nod. A lot.

Oliver Queen: Well, you would know, right? I mean, you married Shayera, what, a hundred times now?

Dr. Emil Hamilton: Well, I've heard of relationships that withstand the test of time, but that's remarkable. Oh, or not, I suppose. For you.

Carter Hall: Even though I married Shayera a hundred times, I had to lose her that many, as well. Now, I know I don't usually get all warm and fuzzy, but I am sorry. About Chloe.

Oliver Queen: You're not gonna hug me now, are you?

Slade Wilson: I was wonder how long you'd hide and let your friends take the fall.

Clark Kent: I heard the explosion. You were in it. How did you...

Slade Wilson: Survive? Let's just say the reaper can swing his sickle at me, but I'm beyond death's stroke now.

Lois Lane: I'll get you help. Okay?

Carter Hall: No. It's too late. Hey. I'm a pro at dying, remember?

Clark Kent: I should have been there, Carter. I'm sorry.

Carter Hall: Can't always be you, Clark. This is all our fight. Listen. Listen! This is what we do. And my passing means I'll be with Shayera again.

Clark Kent: I owe you so much, I don't even know how to begin to thank you.

Carter Hall: You just did. You hold on to her. Because there has to be a balance, Clark. We can't do what we have to do if there's an emptiness in our hearts. Remember that.

Clark Kent: I will. I promise.

Carter Hall: Oh, I am sorry I won't be able to help you fight the darkness. (looks at Lois) But you have all the help that you need.

Collateral[edit]

[10.12]

Chloe Sullivan: You're not hallucinating, Oliver, and you're not insane. Trust me.

Oliver Queen: Really? Well, that's kind of hard to believe, considering you just materialized out of a wall.

Chloe Sullivan: I've got to get you out of here.

Oliver Queen: Chloe? Hate to rain on your program, but I'm in a straightjacket. I'm in a cell in a lockdown wing of a hospital. I-I'm not going anywhere.

Chloe Sullivan: Only if you believe that's true. Simple mind over matter. Because I believe everything I see is fake, I'm not limited by it. I have power. The sooner you believe everything you see is fantasy, the sooner you can manipulate it. Break free of it.

Oliver Queen: (straightjacket disappears) How'd you do that?

Chloe Sullivan: I didn't. You did.

Lois Lane: Chloe would never hurt Oliver.

Dinah Lance: Not unless he got in her way, like these guys. (they watch a video of Chloe gunning down VRA guards)

Lois Lane: Well, I can't be right. And I hate to crash on your tea party, but my cousin is no Benedict Arnold.

Dinah Lance: She's taking out operatives in cold blood, Lois! I don't know whose side she's on, but it's not ours!

Lois Lane: Not everybody switches sides as easily as some of us. And let's not forget, when we first met Black Canary, she was nothing more than Lex Luthor's little organ-grinder monkey. I mean, did you ever look to see who the bad guys really are before you start throwing knives and spin-kicks there, chickadee?

Dinah Lance: Violent criminals deserve to fry. And if your cousin's one of them, well, that's a campfire that I'm not afraid to sing around.

Clark Kent: How'd you do it? Trust me, I mean - back then, before you found out.

Chloe Sullivan: I had my suspicions.

Clark Kent: But that's what I mean. You knew I was lying to you, and still you looked me in the eye every day and you trusted me.

Chloe Sullivan: I guess that's the true test of believing in someone - knowing that their lies are there to protect you. It's not really trust if you ask someone to explain themselves.

Clark Kent: But that's hard.

Chloe Sullivan: It's really hard.

Clark Kent: You never gave up.

Chloe Sullivan: And I never will.

Clark Kent: I've been thinking about what you said - that I should shut my eyes and ears to the outside world to figure what's true. You made me believe. And you got me to fly. Even if it was just in cyberspace.

Lois Lane: Well, I have to say Smallville, that soaring over the Daily Planet and the spires of Metropolis was amazing.

Clark Kent: Well, who knows? Maybe one day, we'll get to fly in the real world.

Lois Lane: I've always believed that you can do the impossible, and one day you will.

Beacon[edit]

[10.13]

Clark Kent: Mom, people are upset. They're getting violent.

Martha Kent: Clark, if you don't let me do this, there will never be a day where you can come out of hiding. People need someone to believe in.

Clark Kent: I'm not gonna let you sacrifice yourself.

Martha Kent: Your father and I made a pact many years ago. We knew protecting you would always be dangerous, but we vowed to do it, even if it cost us our lives. I'm willing to sacrifice the same thing your father did.

Clark Kent: But I'm not gonna to let go on a suicide mission for me. And the person who did this to you is still out there, and I'm gonna find them. I'm not ready to say goodbye to you, too.

Chloe Sullivan: You know, who would have thought there would have been a day when heroes need this much protection?

Martha Kent: It's nothing new. A long time ago, Jonathan and I realized Clark wasn't just our blessing. Someday we'd have to share him with the world. Protecting him suddenly became a much bigger responsibility.

Chloe Sullivan: That explains why the Red Queen eventually entered the game.

Martha Kent: I've been watching you, too. I know you took over where Waller left off, but why did you leave Clark's side in the first place?

Chloe Sullivan: Same reason you did. It turns out there's a very fine line between being protective and being overprotective.

Martha Kent: We both needed to leave for Clark to stand up on his own. But maybe we stepped away too far.

Chloe Sullivan: Mrs. Kent, I never stopped watching his back.

Martha Kent: Clark needs you as much as the world needs him. You're part of this family, Chloe.

Chloe Sullivan: You know, growing up, I never really had much of a mother figure to look up to - until I met you. You really taught me what it meant to take care of the people that I love.

Martha Kent: And as Clark's oldest friend, I can't think of anyone better to watch over him.

Oliver Queen: (to Alexander) So, what was that this morning, huh? Was that, uh - was that your idea to show daddy you got the killer instinct, too? Is that what that was?

Lionel Luthor-2: Are you making an accusation against my son? No one will take your word, you're a convicted felon. You should have stayed out of the spotlight, but you wanted celebrity. You made one fatal mistake - you trusted them, the people. They're vulgar, uneducated, and stupid, and they don't even know when you're fighting for them. Must be heart-wrenching.

Oliver Queen: Well, you got it all figured out. I'll tell you what - I wouldn't underestimate the common man in tomorrow's vote. When the VRA's repealed and my name is cleared, I'm coming after you.

Lionel Luthor-2: No, you're wrong. Tomorrow, the people will turn on you again, believe me. You missed the mark, Green Arrow.

Alexander Luthor: And now its our turn... again.

Alexander Luthor: No second chances, Lionel. It's time to end this family feud.

Lionel Luthor-2: Alexander, please listen to me.

Alexander Luthor: I know I'm dying. I'm aging faster and faster. I have all of Lex's memories. And he despised every single one of you.

Lionel Luthor-2: Listen. Listen to me, son. Don't let hate master you. Make it your servant. Use it. Let it build inside of you. Hate can make you strong. I can teach you how.

Alexander Luthor: There's nothing left for you to teach me.

Clark Kent: I want to be the man that you made that suit for.

Martha Kent: Clark, you don't need a suit the be the world's hero.

Clark Kent: Well, when I saw those people willing to defend me, it was inspiring. It got me to thinking that, in order for The Blur to be a true beacon of hope, maybe people need to see my face, too. I've been to the future, and I saw the hero that I will become to save the city. But I also saw me - I mean... Clark Kent - disguised behind glasses and a bad haircut.

Martha Kent: Well, I'm sure you still looked very handsome.

Clark Kent: Mom, I don't how I can treat Clark Kent as a disguise. I mean, you and dad raised me to be who I am right now - the real Clark Kent.

Martha Kent: What's real is your strength and integrity and compassion. As long as you remain honest to those things, it doesn't matter what you wear or what name you go by, because... you'll always be my son.

Clark Kent: So, you're saying that I should become that hero and step into the light?

Martha Kent: Clark, you are the light.

Masquerade[edit]

[10.14]

Lois Lane: My Turkish is a little rusty, but it seems someone managed to pull off a supersave there, and now Ankara's also wondering who America's Blur hero is. Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, they are offering a national commendation to "El Salvador de Rojo y Azul" if he'd stand still long enough to receive it. And I won't even bother with the Chinese because I would just sound racist.

Oliver Queen: Ya know, when I said that I wanted to spoon you later, this isn't really what I had in mind.

Chloe Sullivan: We're lying alone together in the dark, okay. I think that counts for something.

Oliver Queen: Yeah, you're probably right. This is definitely the most romantic of my recent kidnappings. Helluva way to spend an anniversary, right? (Chloe is guilty silent) Oh, gee...you forgot!

Chloe Sullivan: No. No. No! I did not forget that it's been a year since we started doing... whatever it is that we've been doing.

Oliver Queen: Whatever it is that we've...wow. You weren't joking around at the restaurant, were ya? You don't know what to call me.

Chloe Sullivan: Not in so many words.

Oliver Queen: Okay!

Chloe Sullivan: (car hits a bump) Ow!... Oliver!

Oliver Queen: We spend every waking moment together. We've said our "I love yous" how many times, huh? Several. What do you call that?

Chloe Sullivan: Can we talk about this later?

Oliver Queen: Yeah, no... I'd love to do that... If there is a later.

Chloe Sullivan: (sighing) You're so dramatic.

Desaad: I was wondering when we would meet again.

Clark Kent: What exactly are you, Desaad?

Desaad: A prophet. A servant, loyal to a far greater power.

Clark Kent: The darkness.

Desaad: To Darkseid. When he last laid his eyes upon you, you wore your sin openly. You're much more self-assured now. More love in your heart than when you faced Godfrey. Stronger than when you faced Granny, as well. Sadly incorruptible. They, much like I, have been preparing for something...amazing.

Clark Kent: And that's why the three of you have been burning your Omega symbols on innocent people.

Desaad: You act as though the marks weren't there to begin with...but I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

Clark Kent: And I should be wearing a mask. Unfortunately, I've lived my entire life up until this point without needing one. That's why I've been so reluctant. I mean, this is the face that my parents raised. It's the face of the man that you love. And I don't want to deny who I am when I'm out there doing what I was born to do.

Lois Lane: Then why bother with the jacket, Clark, the symbols?

Clark Kent: When I'm out there in the red and blue, and I'm saving people, that's who I really am. And I know this is gonna sound weird, but it's not what I'm called that should define who I am. It's who I am that should define what I'm called. Clark Kent - it's...it's just a name. It's just a word. I am The Blur, and I always have been.

Lois Lane: Clark, you can't just whip out a new costume at work.

Clark Kent: The Blur is not the disguise, Lois. Clark Kent will be the mask.

Lois Lane: Okay. Okay, but the only way the glasses are ever going to work...

Clark Kent: If I adjust my behavior when I use them. I know. The world needs to believe that Clark Kent is way too normal to be...

Lois Lane: Super.

Clark Kent: And even though we silenced Godfrey, we shutdown Granny's orphanage, and buried Desaad underneath Belle Reve, it's not the last time we've seen Darkseid. But I'll be ready...(puts on glasses)...hiding in plain sight.

Lois Lane: So you're willing to dial back the hometown hero and crank up the Average Joe?

Clark Kent: If that's what it takes to be the hero the people need, (glasses slide down a little; he pushes glasses up nose in iconic fashion)...yes, Miss Lane, I am.

Fortune[edit]

[10.15]

Clark Kent: (to Chloe) You don't think we...?

Chloe Sullivan: Exchanged vows?

Clark Kent: Uh, well, I mean...

Chloe Sullivan: Said "I do"?

Clark Kent: ...both...

Chloe Sullivan: Did the deed? God, don't say the word "consummate." The answer has to be "no."

Oliver Queen: How the hell did we end up here, anyway?

Lois Lane: Oh, I have no idea. But in that green getup of yours, we're gonna stand out like a hooker in a church.

Oliver Queen: (looks down and notice he's wearing a sea foam colored tuxedo jacket) What?

Lois Lane: Yeah.

Oliver Queen: What is this?

Amos Fortune: You are an eye full. You know, like the Tower in Paris. You put these other hothouse girls to shame.

Oliver Queen: Thanks, man.

Chloe Sullivan: You're not alone, Clark Kent. In all my globe-trotting, I have met several others like you - a billionaire with high tech toys and a wondrous woman who's gonna throw you for a loop.

Tess Mercer: Hey, hound dog. You really rocked this town.

Dr. Emil Hamilton: I suppose that's supposed to be humorous?

Tess Mercer: It's just... well, it was a nice surprise to see our mild-manner doctor have a special power of his own.

Scion[edit]

[10.16]

Lionel Luthor-2: I applaud your efforts, but you can't hide Alexander from me forever.

Tess Mercer: I'm saving him from an encore performance of "Daddy Dearest".

Lionel Luthor-2: Give me my son.

Tess Mercer: I'm surprised that you are so hell-bent on this family reunion, given the fact that on this world it was Lex that sent Lionel plummeting to his death.

Lionel Luthor-2: That's proof that the Lex you knew was a true Luthor.

Clark Kent: Conner has... he's only half Lex, it turns out.

Lois Lane: What? Okay, if you say the other half is Tess, I'm going to officially write that family off for good.

Clark Kent: Lois, the other half is me.

Lois Lane: Are you trying to tell me that Conner is the genetic love child of Clark Kent and Lex Luthor?

Clark Kent: You don't have to say it like that.

Clark Kent: Everything we do with our abilities is our responsibility. That's why we have to learn to control them before they control us. That's why we practice.

Conner Kent: I lifted the tractor without any practice.

Clark Kent: When you put it down, you broke the beam behind the stall.

Lionel Luthor-2: (incapacitates Clark with kryptonite) No. You'll never take my son.

Conner Kent: What are you doing?!

Lionel Luthor-2: Eliminating the one person who stands in the way of your destiny.

Clark Kent: Let him go!

Lionel Luthor-2: Let's go, son. Remember who you are. You are meant to become a god. Together, we can make sure you do.

Conner Kent: I know who I am. (destroys the kryptonite with his heat vision to save Clark)

Conner Kent: I'm not like you, Clark. I mean, maybe on the outside with what I can do, but what that ring brought out in me - that was all Lex.

Clark Kent: There's a shadow inside all of us. But that doesn't mean you need to embrace it. You decide who you really are. And I know you'll make the right choice and become the hero you're destined to be.

Conner Kent: That means a lot coming from you. Well, if you feel that way, maybe, uh, I should start dressing for the part. (opens his jacket, revealing a black t-shirt with House of El family crest) I know I have a lot to learn. But when you feel I'm ready to join the team, I'd like to.

Kent[edit]

[10.17]

Lois Lane: You want to help me out here?

Clark Luthor: You're kinda cute when you squirm.

Lois Lane: Okay, bonus.

Clark Luthor: Listen, Tess, I know better than anyone what it's like to walk around with a-a mark on you. It's lonely.

Tess Mercer: Being the world's greatest hero is just a little bit different than being Satan's child.

Clark Luthor: Angel or devil is in the eye of he who beholds it.

Tess Mercer: "He who beholds it"? What have you been watching a little too much BBC lately?

Clark Kent: Look, this may be hard for you to understand considering everything that's happened to you in this world. You taught me so much. You taught me to be fair and honest. You taught me the only person in control of your destiny...

Jonathan Kent-2: Is you.

Clark Kent: You were the man that I tried to live up to. You didn't have powers, and you didn't have a destiny to save the world, but you were my hero. And I lost you.

Jonathan Kent-2: You don't even know me. I'm just an obsessed man hanging onto a place as if memories could make up a lifetime.

Clark Kent: This place isn't your home. Martha is. It's not the place, it's the people in it. And Martha's still here. You still have a chance. It's better to risk everything than hold onto nothing.

Jonathan Kent-2: Who told you that?

Clark Kent: You did.

Clark Kent: You made yourself the most hated man in your world. But there's still a chance of redemption for you.

Clark Luthor: Redemption? Looks like the two of us have different preoccupations.

Clark Kent: I'm sorry that you weren't found by Jonathan and Martha Kent. The thing is, you could have killed Tess in an instant. But something was holding you back. You can go to your world and show people what you can give them, change their minds.

Clark Luthor: Why would you ever believe in me?

Clark Kent: Because I know you. And Lionel's not there anymore. You don't need to be defined by your past, you can choose a different future. So trust me.

Booster[edit]

[10.18]

Jaime Reyes: Who are you?

Booster Gold: I'm sure you're all wondering who I am. Well, how about the 411? I'm pure gold, ladies and gentlemen. I am Booster Gold, the greatest hero you've never heard of...till now!

Clark Kent: (to Booster Gold) The suit doesn't make the hero. A hero's made in the moment by the choices that he makes and the reasons that he makes them. A hero brings out the best in people. I don't doubt behind that star, there is a hero...but I haven't seen him. Not yet.

Skeets: May I offer a piece of advice from your former career, sir?

Booster Gold: Football?

Skeets: Go big or go home.

Booster Gold: Well, you know what? I've got some advice for you too.

Clark Kent: What's that?

Booster Gold: "The Blur." No. No, no, no. It sounds like a roller coaster or something. You need something strong. You need something simple. Something that actually starts with that "S" you wear. Something...super. You got to brand it, baby. You know?

Clark Kent: I'll start brainstorming.

Ted Kord: This boy is absolutely unique. He managed to shut down the scarab.

Lois Lane: I'm guessing not everyone has what it takes to do that. So, Mr. Kord, does this mean that you'll be able to remove it from him?

Jaime Reyes: I- No. I mean, will that take away the powers it gives me?

Ted Kord: Yes, but-

Jaime Reyes: I want to learn how to use them. I want to be a hero like Booster Gold.

Booster Gold: I don't know, kid. You know... what do you say we give Miss Lane here an exclusive on the real hero of the day?

Dominion[edit]

[10.19]

Clark Kent: Hey, Lois. Where can I put this box?

Lois Lane: Well, I don't think that requires any super-sleuthing. It does say "living room."

Clark Kent: No, I can decipher your scrawl. I'm just thinking it was mislabeled.

Lois Lane: If you're talking about my Whitesnake throw pillow, loving everything about me includes the sentimental. I made this from my 8th grade concert t-shirt. And I talked to Oliver, and he told me how smoothly he and Chloe fused their hero green and geek chic.

Clark Kent: Don't worry. My "for better or worse" will include your love of hair metal.

Oliver Queen: Listen, about this Zone, Clark - You know, when you said Jor-El built a prison, I kind of pictured something more confined than a national park.

Clark Kent: He built this place so Krypton's worst criminals could have some kind of life.

Oliver Queen: Sounds like a real sweetheart.

General Zod: I know, it's a terrible feeling. So powerless when you know you've got such strength inside of you, with no way of unleashing it.

Clark Kent: Even without the yellow sun, I will find a way to defeat you.

General Zod: You'll have to work twice as hard. Because when I arrived here, I met a very special acquaintance, someone you know, and someone that I'm very, very...fond of.

Clark Kent: Who?

General Zod: Me.

Clark Kent: The original Zod's phantom.

General Zod: Finally back in the body that you stripped me of. Now I have the full knowledge of two lives, and you...you are my enemy in both.

Clark Kent: I defeated you in both.

General Zod: Which is why it will give double the satisfaction to see you kneel...and serve...until you die.

Clark Kent: You have the console crystal. How?

General Zod: We're blood brothers, Kal-El. Have you forgotten how you healed me with your blood on Earth?

Clark Kent: We're not brothers. I saved you because it was the right thing to do. We have nothing in common.

General Zod: We're from the same world. Do you really think that having powers is the only thing that makes you Kryptonian? It's not. We share the same instincts. We're decisive...single-minded, headstrong. We were meant to be leaders.

Clark Kent: Leaders? You're a tyrant who believes only in himself.

General Zod: Who else should I put my faith in? We both know that trusting others is a calculated risk, one a Kryptonian is not willing to take. Oh, we can easily fool those closest to us, can't we? But we can lean on no one. Do you remember that most famous story about two brothers from your adopted planet? You've got Cain and Abel. Which brother are you, Kal-El?

Clark Kent: Well, I'd never murder you. I saved you.

General Zod: You exiled me. I'm in charge here. And you're about to find out what that means, brother.

General Zod: I've seen what Darkseid is capable of.

Oliver Queen: What do you know?

General Zod: After the Kandorians sent me here, a very powerful entity came looking for me. Darkseid promised me lordship of this dominion if I solved one problem for him.

Oliver Queen: Clark.

General Zod: Darkseid has certain ambitions for your planet.

Oliver Queen: The thing is, we took care of that. We blocked him. Took out three of his three little minions, too.

General Zod: Kal-El might delude himself as usual, that's how he's won, but there are millions - millions on Earth just waiting to surrender to the will of Darkseid, and you friend, are one of them.

Prophecy[edit]

[10.20]

Jor-El: Kal-El, my son, you have returned.

Clark Kent: Jor-El, I come here today as a Kryptonian, as a member of your house, and your son. In honor of our home, I'm here to declare my desire to start a life bond with this woman...Lois Lane.

Jor-El: Lois Lane, do you truly intend to initiate a life union with my son?

Lois Lane: I do.

Jor-El: Your pledge is observed. If your lives are to be joined, then you must both understand.

Oliver Queen: I'm starting to regret not packing my intergalactic dictionary about now. No way these are Celtic.

Kara Kent: No. They're Apokolyptian.

Oliver Queen: (sees Kara trapped in a ray beam) You're Clark's cousin, Kara, right?

Kara Kent: Yeah.

Oliver Queen: How long have you been down here? I got to get you out.

Kara Kent: No, wait. It'll kill you. (throws a rock at the ray beam, rock disintegrates)

Oliver Queen: Right. Okay. There's got to be some way to turn off this death ray from hell.

Oliver Queen: So let me get this straight - whoever wields the Bow of Orion can use it to vanquish darkness. Is that what you're saying?

Kara Kent: According to the prophecy, yeah.

Oliver Queen: Well, that's me. Think about it - a bow, right? The medium is the message.

Kara Kent: You never told me why you were seeking it.

Oliver Queen: Well, promise you won't tell anyone, but I'm trying to change my fate. The Bow of Orion is the key. It worked for him, right?

Kara Kent: Only after he found the strength to turn away from the darkness, even though that meant turning away from his father.

Oliver Queen: Orion is Darkseid's son.

Kara Kent: Yes. He was raised by someone who believes in spreading the light instead of the darkness his birthfather created. And eventually he swore to serve that light instead.

Jor-El: There are two paths laid before you, Kara. You can leave Earth now and allow Kal-El to embrace his destiny, or you can stay and help him, risking the future of this planet.

Kara Kent: Kal-El and I have fought Darkseid before.

Jor-El: You involved Kal-El against my wishes. He was too weak then, and he was almost overcome by darkness. You have grown strong. Your will is no longer at the mercy of my command. You will need that strength to forge your own path. It is in your hands to choose.

Kara Kent: You want me to just walk away?

Jor-El: Kara, your own destiny is written. It is in another place and time. But this is Kal-El's battle, and he must fight it alone. Even though a time will come when he turns away from me, in the end, he will make the right decision. He is ready. This is his time.

Kara Kent: He's the only family I have left. I have to at least warn him.

Jor-El: Sometimes the greatest sacrifice a person can make is to give up what they hold most dear.

Jor-El: Kal-El, I trust you found my gift to the both of you illuminating.

Clark Kent: It wasn't a gift. It was a trial. And it wasn't about Lois appreciating what it was like to have my abilities or me realizing what it was like to be human. It was about control.

Jor-El: Your trials are not a riddle, Kal-El. They are stepping stones on a long path.

Clark Kent: A path that I have blindly walked forever, but I understand now. This whole time, it's been up to me to decide when to take control of my own destiny. The trials end when I'm ready for them to end.

Jor-El: Your journey is far from over.

Clark Kent: But I can only be what the world needs when I can finally admit that I am no longer just the son of Jor-El or Jonathan Kent. And you knew the time would come when neither of you can guide me anymore, and that time...is now. Goodbye, Jor-El.

Finale Part 1[edit]

[10.21]

Chloe Sullivan: "This is the story of an amazing boy who grew up in the fields of Kansas in a little town called Smallville. When he became a man, he believed the only way to seize his destiny was to turn his back on both his parents and refused to see the darkness descending on Earth. But all that was about to change. He was about to face his greatest challenge."

Granny Goodness: I want to give your soul eternal life! Please, Lutessa, let me save you!

Tess Mercer: From what?

Granny Goodness: Darkseid's Apokolips. Evil in its purest form - the heart of human nature, obscured over time as something to be cast away rather than embraced. Hades, Kali - even the word "Lucifer" is an old Latin phrase meaning "morning star," "bringer of light." I'm afraid the centuries and translations have twisted Darkseid's true gifts. But before the end of days, his rapture will be the only salvation.

Tess Mercer: I will never join you.

Granny Goodness: Farewell, my child. Bless your soul.

Tess Mercer: Wait. When? I mean, what do you mean? When? When is this hell coming?

Granny Goodness: It's not coming, Lutessa. It's upon us.

Lois Lane: There's no Chloe quip that's gonna change my mind. Clark can hear the world's cries for help, and he's duty-bound to answer the call. I'm not gonna stand in his way.

Chloe Sullivan: He can't listen all the time, Lois. He's not God. He can't be aware of every bird or blade of grass, okay? He's a man. And sometimes he needs to not listen. He needs to rest, to love, to laugh. And when he finally does to decide to take to the skies, he's gonna need you to ground him.

Lois Lane: Well, that's what I'm afraid of. I'm grounding him, keeping him from soaring to new heights.

Chloe Sullivan: Oh, Lois...that is so not what he thinks. But since you're not gonna meet him at the altar...(gives Clark's vows to her)...you should hear that from his own words.

Lois Lane: (wedding vows to Clark) I wanted these vows to be perfect, but perfection's a hard thing to get your hands on. But life is meant to be a little messy. And when it comes to love, I think it's like my dad always said about the army. You only sign up if it's the only thing you can ever imagine doing. And Clark, I cannot imagine spending a moment of my life without you. So I promise that I will always have your back as you will always have mine. You're my best friend, you're my home, and you are my true love, and I am yours and will be forever.

Clark Kent: (wedding vows to Lois) I Clark Kent take you Lois Lane to be my companion, forever. And with you by my side I will never be alone. Though the world sees a strong and independent woman, I've never known someone with such gentle grace and more pure heart. When I've been lost you've always been there to bring me back, so on this day, at this moment, I pledge the rest of my life to you. You've always believed in me, and I believe in you. And when you believe in someone it's not for a minute, or just for now, it's forever.

Finale Part 2[edit]

[10.22]

Clark Kent: Lois, we know the prophets use the people's darkness to mark them with an Omega. What we don't know is why. And Tess quoted one of the prophecies as saying that the markings weren't just spiritual. There's some sort of anti-life dark force that could bring about the Apokolips.

Lois Lane: You mean like bringing a giant planet crashing into ours?

Clark Kent: Exactly like that. Maybe the marking has some sort of unexplainable gravitational pull.

Lois Lane: Too bad anti-life equations aren't covered in Physics 101.

Clark Kent: I need to figure out a way to lift the darkness and break whatever's binding these people to that planet.

Lois Lane: Today definitely tops Chloe's Wall of Weird. Exactly how many are marked?

Clark Kent: (scans the people in the room with his x-ray vision, they are marked with the Omega) More than you want to know.

Lex Luthor: Hello, Clark. Can't say I love what you've done with the place.

Clark Kent: Lex.

Lex Luthor: You still say it the same way - astonishment mixed with a hint of dread, yet... with a hopeful finish.

Clark Kent: You're alive.

Lex Luthor: Seems my father had a... a change of heart. And I got a second chance of life.

Clark Kent: Where's Tess? What have you done with her?!

Lex Luthor: She's fine. I wouldn't worry so much about my dear little sister. You know, I used to think it was our families who made us who we are. Then I hoped it was our friends. But if you look at history, the great men and women of the world have always been defined by their enemies.

Clark Kent: You have a second chance. You can change all that.

Lex Luthor: But that's the thing about memories - you can't forget them. Like how you're always one step ahead of me, Clark. No matter how meticulously I prepared, no matter how strategic I was, if only I'd known I never stood a chance.

Clark Kent: It wasn't a competition.

Lex Luthor: Of course it wasn't. You were born to be the chosen one. You're simply better than us.

Clark Kent: And that always killed you.

Lex Luthor: No. No, what killed me is that you didn't even want it. You fought it - you hid from it! I would have taken it and relished it, embraced it.

Clark Kent: My destiny wasn't yours to take!

Lex Luthor: I get that now. Which is why I finally embraced my own. You and I... we will both be great men. Because of each other, we have a destiny together, Clark... only on different sides.

Clark Kent: I'll always be there to stop you. Always.

Lex Luthor: Oh, I'm counting on it.

Jor-El: Your journey has come to an end, Kal-El.

Clark Kent: I shouldn't have tried to push away my Kryptonian side. My strength is accepting it - accepting you.

Jor-El: You honor me. A father's pride cannot be measured in words, but know that I'm proud of you, son.

Clark Kent: You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that.

Jor-El: We have been down our long road, Kal-El - one paved with difficult trials. Those trials are behind you now. Any father can only hope that he is one day humbled by the feats of his son. But it is your soul, Kal-El, of which I am most proud. You - and you alone - possess the courage, the determination, and the compassion that will be required of you to lift the darkness from the Earth. (returns the suit to Clark) I ask you to remember one thing. Your abilities may be of my blood, but it is your time in Smallville, with Jonathan and Martha Kent and all the people there, that made you a hero, Kal-El.

Jonathan Kent: Always hold on to Smallville. (hands the suit over to Clark)

Lois Lane: How many "Great Caesar's ghosts"?

Jimmy Olsen: Four, before his coffee. But...did you get my shots?

Lois Lane: Love the framing, love the colors. Where's the drama?

Jimmy Olsen: Um... Um, did you see the one with the elephant?

Lois Lane: The Man of Steel deserves something better than a circus incident and a fender-bender. I want pecs, I want cape, I want pearly whites.

Jimmy Olsen: Yes, Miss Lane.

Lois Lane: Great. Your brother left big shoes for you to fill, Olsen. I know you're up to the task.

Clark Kent: (The last line of the series, to Lois) Just tell the minister I'm gonna be a few minutes late.

Season 11[edit]

Guardian[edit]

[11.01]

Detective[edit]

[11.02]

Haunted[edit]

[11.03]

Effigy[edit]

[11.04]

Argo[edit]

[11.05]

Valkyrie[edit]

[11.06]

Olympus[edit]

[11.07]

Hollow[edit]

[[11.08]

Titans[edit]

[11.09]

Alien[edit]

[11.10]

Harbinger[edit]

[11.11]

Lantern[edit]

[11.12]

Chaos[edit]

[11.13]

Continuity[edit]

[11.14]


	30. Chapter 30 Cartoon Animus

Space Pilot 3000[edit]

Fry: Space. It seems to go on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwin' barrels at you.

Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for uh... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the prank calls.

[Fry's first glimpse of the future]

Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents, my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.

[Pause.]

Fry: YAHOO!

Leela: I'm an alien, alright? Let's drop the subject.

Fry: Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the planet?

Leela: No, I just work here.

Leela: I'm sure this must be very upsetting for you.

Fry: Y'know, I guess it should be but, actually, I'm glad. I had nothing to live for in my old life. I was broke, I had a humiliating job and I was beginning to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating on me.

Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Fry: Whoa… a real live robot! Or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?

Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.

Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.

Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.

Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?

Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want!

Leela: This is Officer 1-B D-I requesting backup.

[The camera pulls back to reveal two police officers standing right next to her.]

Officer Smitty: We'll be there in 5 minutes.

Fry: It's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals... and animal robots.

Fry: Can't you just leave me alone? I'm miserable enough already.

Leela: I know it's not much consolation, but I know how you feel.

Fry: No you don't. I've got no home, no family.

Bender: No friends.

Fry: Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?

Farnsworth: If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.

Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?

Farnsworth: You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.

Fry: So, I'm a delivery boy?

Farnsworth: Exactly.

Fry: All right! I'm a delivery boy!

The Series Has Landed[edit]

Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.

Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.

Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.

Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.

Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.

Bender: I'm going to build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! You know what- forget the park!

Bender: Oh, no room for Bender, eh? I'll build my OWN lunar landing... with blackjack, and hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ehh, screw the whole thing.

Craterface: Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.

Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig of booze and jams the bottle in Craterface's eye)

Craterface: At least I have my self-respect. (laughs, then sobs quietly)

[Farnsworth watches Fry, Bender and Leela trying to escape from the Moon Farmer on a telescope]

Farnsworth: My God! I've got to save them! Although I am already in my pajamas. [falls asleep]

Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.

[Fry opens his mouth]

Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.

Fry: I only have one.

Zoidberg: Really?

Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?

Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "Bbrglgrglgrrr"!

Fry: Uh... yededededededede!

Zoidberg: What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!

[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]

Moon Rover Ride Narrator: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.

Animatronic Ralph Kramden: One of these days, Alice- Bang, zoom, straight to the moon!

Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.

Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife

Animatronic Whalers: [Singing] We're whalers on the moon,

We carry a harpoon.

But there ain't no whales,

So we tell tall-tales,

And sing our whaling tune.

Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.

Sal: Wise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.

Fry: But, you are lazy right?

Sal: Oh, don't get me started!

Fry: Hey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets. [puts one on Bender's head]

Bender: Get it off! Get it off! GET IT-uh, oh. [singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you...

[Fry removes magnet]

Bender: Keep those things off me! Magnets screw up my inhibition unit.

Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk singer?

Bender: Yep. I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer...

I, Roommate[edit]

Bender: You know, Fry, out of all the friends I've ever had... you're the first.

[In their search for a new apartment, Fry, Bender and Leela check out a "suspiciously fantastic" apartment]

Fry: I don't get it. What's the catch?

Salesman: Oh, no catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey.

[cut to Fry, Bender and Leela at the Planet Express employee lounge]

Fry: Not one place even remotely liveable.

Bender: [in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all humans...

Fry: Bender, wake up!

Bender: Wh-uh? I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.

Fry: Where's the bathroom?

Bender: The bath what?

Fry: Bathroom.

Bender: The what room?

Fry: Bathroom!

Bender: The what what?

Fry: Never mind.

[Bender goes back to sleep.]

Bender: Hey, sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?

Farnsworth: [Talking on the phone] Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. How's his wife holding up? To shreds, You say.

Bender: Not enough room? My place is two cubic meters, and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole 'nother two thirds of a person!

[Fry, Bender and Leela are checking out an appartment based on the "Relativity" print by M.C. Escher]

Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.

Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.

Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Calculon: I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?

Monique: Oh, Calculon! Yes!

[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]

Monique: It fits! Then you must know I'm...

Calculon: Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, fuff! Fry's not causing any trouble. Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy. I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy. This sarcophagus should contain the remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled Zuban 5 over 29 million years ago.

[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]

Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!

Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!

Bender: I hate the people who love me, and they hate me.

Love's Labors Lost in Space[edit]

Zapp Brannigan: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men?

Unseen Man: You suck!

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!

Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?

Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.

Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.

Leela: No, just a regular mistake.

Zapp Brannigan: In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?

[Short pause]

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm asking you a question.

[Kif groans]

Zapp Brannigan: Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.

Zapp Brannigan: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.

Leela: Birds don't crawl.

Zapp Brannigan: They've been known to!

Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.

Zapp Brannigan: Go ahead. I won't stop you.

Leela: Threaten all you- Wait. What?

Zapp Brannigan: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!

Zapp Brannigan: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?

Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.

Zapp Brannigan: Well, I have studied abroad...or two!

Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.

Kif: Who are you talking to, sir?

Zapp Brannigan: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals.

Leela: Animals?

Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds.

Leela: Wait! What about the animals?

Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow.

Leela: Yes, but what about the animals?

Farnsworth: The wha?

Leela: The animals.

Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals.

Zapp Brannigan: Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif: The boy, Sir?

Zapp Brannigan: You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Fear of a Bot Planet[edit]

Robot #1: Administer the test.

Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweetie, or C: a large properly formatted data file?

Robot #1: Choose!

[Fry and Leela confer for a bit.]

Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?

Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.

Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!

Robot #2: Correct!

Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.

Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store-bought costumes.

Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.

Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.

Fry: Really? Which one?

Bender: Only Robannukah, the holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.

Leela: Oh, come on, Bender. Last month it was "Robomadon" and before that "Robonza".

Fry: Man, that one was a blast!

Bender: It wasn't just "a blast". It was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Farnsworth: He's good, alright. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days before steroid injections were mandatory.

Fry: I don't get this. Is Blernsball exactly the same as baseball?

Farnsworth: Baseball? God forbid.

Leela: Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie.

Fry: It wasn't bori- (cuts himself off) so they finally jazzed it up.

Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt! We have with us today a guest whose irrational hatred for humans makes me look like a human sympathizer!

[The robots in the crowd laugh]

Robot Mayor: A newly-arrived refugee from Earth, let's hear it for... Bender!

Fry: It's him! He's OK!

Bender: Death to humans!

[The robots in the crowd cheer]

Fry: Aww... It's good to hear his voice.

Fry: We're rescuing ya.

Bender: I don't want to be rescued.

Fry: Say what?

Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.

Bender: Now Wireless Joe Jackson - there was a blern-hitting machine.

Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns. Wireless Joe Jackson was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.

Bender: Oh, and I suppose Pitch-o-Mat 5000 was just a modified howitzer!

Leela: Yep.

A Fishful of Dollars[edit]

[Fry is playing a compact disc recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back;" Leela turns it off.]

Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.

Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.

Voice on TV: Do you remember when chocolate-chip cookies came fresh out of the oven? Petridge Farm remembers

Fry: Oh, those were the days...

Voice on TV: Do you remember when women weren't allowed to vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.

Fry: I finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.

Bender: I'm a thing...

Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.

Mom: Toodle-oo! [Under her breath.] Dumbass...

Fry: What a nice lady.

Prof. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.

Fry: Wha?

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.

Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...

Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?

Prof. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]

Fry: Okay, my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.

Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.

Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid $10, 000 for his skeleton?

Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.

Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...More...

Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.

Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!

My Three Suns[edit]

[Bender is watching a cooking show called Essence of Elzar]

Fry: Hey, whatcha watching?

Leela: Is that a cooking show?

Bender: [turns off the TV] No, of course not. It was... uh... porno. Yeah, that's it.

Leela: [turns the TV back on] Bender, I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.

Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long.

Fry: It's okay, Bender. I like cooking too.

Bender: [sotto voce] Pansy.

Leela: Look at all these guys. Do you have any idea what the average length of their reigns was?

Fry: Uhh... 80,000 years?

Leela: No, one week!

Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked unless it was really high or really low.

Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?

Fry: That was the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!

Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.

Zoidberg: Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.

Fry: It's no use. I want to cry, but I'm just too macho.

Bender: I'll make you cry, buddy. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything!

Fry: Wha'd'you mean? I was emperor of a whole planet.

Bender: Good point... but here's a disturbing reminder: anyone you knew or loved in the 20th century is dead.

Fry: These things happen.

Bender: Okay, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one, 'cause your idiotic human ideals are laughable. Ha ha ha!

Fry: Phew, that's a load off my mind.

Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.

Organ Salesman: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?

Fry: Can't imagine why I would.

Organ Salesman: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.

Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.

Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Hermes: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.

Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.

Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?

Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.

Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.

Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

Bender: Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Prof. Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.

Bender: Here it comes.

Prof. Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.

Bender: Thank you and goodnight.

Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?

Prof. Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name! Like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!

A Big Piece of Garbage[edit]

Fry: [After testing the Smell-o-Scope] Just don't make me smell Uranus! [Laughs]

Leela: I don't get it.

Professor Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry: So what's it called now?

Professor Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

Bart Simpson-doll: Eat my shorts!

Bender: Okay! [Eats the doll's shorts.] Mmm, shorts.

Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.

Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.

Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?

Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.

Wernstrom: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.

Farnsworth: Uh... last year, you say?

Wernstrom: That's right.

Farnsworth: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?

Wernstrom: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.

[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]

Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!

Bender: Ooh, name it after me!

[The Planet Express crew has watched an online movie about the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]

Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.

Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.

[In the movie.]

Female Scientist: Now that the garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?

Male Scientist: With gusto. [The two scientists begin disrobing.]

[Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the big garbage ball. Leela places the bomb in the ground.]

Leela: Get ready to run. We got 25 minutes.

[Leela presses the button on the bomb. The timer beeps and the number changes]

Leela: Uh, 15 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] 5 minutes. [The timer beeps again.] "6h" minutes?

[Bender picks up the bomb and turns it upside down]:

Bender: There's your problem: the professor put the counter on upside down!

Leela: That idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes; it was set for 52 seconds!

Fry: [screams] AHHHH! We're gonna die!...Right?

Bender: Right.

[Fry screams again]

Hell Is Other Robots[edit]

[After escaping Robot Hell]

Bender: Don't worry, guys. I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.

Leela: Uh... Do you think you could be a little less evil than that?

Bender: I don't know... Do you think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?

Fry: [Chuckles] Good ol' Bender.

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?

Bender: [Nervous] No! Don't come in!

Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.

Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.

Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.

Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender! And for each one we've prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen...

[A robot-demon band plays up-tempo music]

Bender: Ah, crap. Singing... Mind if I smoke?

Robot Devil: [Singing] Cigars are evil, you won't miss 'em,

We'll find ways to simulate that smell.

What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a donnetela,

Here on Level One of Robot Hell.

Gambling's wrong and so is cheating, so is forging phoney IOU's

Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified,

I'm pit boss here on Level Two.

Ooo, deep-fried robot!

Bender: Just tell me why...

Robot Devil: Check out this 55-page warrant.

Bender: There must be robots worse than I...

Robot Devil: We've checked it out; there really aren't!

Bender: Then please let me explain,

My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks...

Robot Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!

Bender: Ah, don't blame me; blame my upbringing! [Tries to take the Robot Devil's wallet]

Robot Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,

Musicians need that income to survive

Beastie Boys: Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,

With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!

[Ad-Rock plays on Bender's hardrive with his tongue]

That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on Level Five!

Fry:[On the slide] I don't feel well...

Leela:[On the slide] It's up to us to rescue him.

Fry: Maybe he likes it here in Hell...

Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.

Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel...

Leela: Come on, Fry, don't be scared,

I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,

So just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide!

Robot Devil: Fencing diamonds,

Fixing cockfights, publishing indecent magazines,

You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in electric slime,

You'll suffer till the end of time,

Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme,

Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!

Fry: Bender, are you alright?

Bender: No! Oh, they tortured me with up-tempo singing and dancing!

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet.

[After delivering the subpoenas]

Fry: I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the Kiss of Death, but I still think he's gay.

Leela: Did he use his tongue?

Fry: A little.

[at a Beastie Boys concert]

Leela: They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.

Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill, at least from a technical standpoint.

Hermes: Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. Probably you!

Zoidberg: Me?

[Later]

Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.

Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!

Bender: In the name of all that is good and logical, we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic, one-zero-zero-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one-zero-one... [later] ... zero-one-zero-one-one-zero-zero-one... two. Amen.

A Flight to Remember[edit]

Kif: Sir, can I speak with you?

Zapp Brannigan: No!

Kif: But, sir, it's an emergency.

Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.

[The ship shakes and rumbles]

Zapp Brannigan: [stands up] Oh, very well.

Leela: That was the worst delivery ever.

Fry: Yeah, I'm never going to another planet called Cannibalon.

Bender: Me neither! Food was good, though.

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".

Kif: I'll get the powder, sir.

Bender: You all go without me! I'm gonna take one last look around, you know, for, uh, stuff to steal!

Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?

Bender: All right, I am. But I don't want the others to know. If I don't come back, just say I died robbing some old man.

Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.

Bender: [hugging Fry] I love you, buddy!

Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!

Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.

Kif: Sir, remember your course correction?

Zapp Brannigan: No.

Kif: Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.

Bender: Wait, my cheating unit malfunctioned. You gotta' give me a do-over.

Craps dealer: Sorry, the house limit is three do-overs.

Zapp Brannigan: But as a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman, I'll be on Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure.

Prof. Farnsworth: Thank God there's plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.

[The camera pulls back to reveal Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]

Leela: Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.

Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?

Leela: Let's just say we've crossed paths.

Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?

Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.

Kif: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.

Fry: You're not jealous, are you?

Leela: No!

Fry: Good, 'cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.

Fry: Oh. Look, I'm not actually interested in her, if that's what's bothering you.

Leela: Oh, are you sure? I mean, she has two eyes, you have two eyes...?

Fry: I know. We seem like a perfect match. But, I just don't feel that way about her.

Leela: Well, accommodations aren't great, but it sure is beautiful out here

Fry: Yeah, it's pretty romantic- I mean, platonic, that sure is one platonic view.

Leela: Fry, just be quiet, I'm starting to think this whole fake fiance thing was a terrible, terrible [gasps]

[Leela surprises Fry with a big kiss in front of Zapp. After Zapp leaves, Leela breaks the kiss]

Leela: Uh, look... Before you get any crazy ideas, that was for Zapp.

Fry: Well, you got anything else for him?

Kif: This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.

Zapp Brannigan: That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]

Kif: But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.

Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.

Mars University[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?

Leela: What you did to Guenter was cruel. At the risk of sounding like an after-school special, I think we learned who the real animal was today.

Fry: You mean peer pressure?

Fry: This is awesome! I had no idea that Mars had a university

Professor Farnsworth: Well, back in those days, Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah.

[While searching the jungle for Guenter]

Fry: Wow, the jungles on Mars look exactly like the jungles on Earth!

Professor Farnsworth: Jungles on Earth? [Laughs]

Guenter: All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit... that's why I'm transferring to business school!

Professor Farnsworth: NOOOOOO!

Dean Vernon: You robots are a disgrace to this university! Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, Robot House! Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House! Whenever a human corpse is desecrated...

Bender: Now I can explain that!

Dean Vernon: [repeated line] Robot House!

Leela: So you're saying that he just ran off in the middle of the exam?

Prof. Farnsworth: All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.

Leela: You went to college?

Bender: Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending.

Fry: What was your minor?

Bender: Robo-American Studies.

Prof. Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that may well win me the Nobel Prize.

Leela: In what field?

Prof. Farnsworth: I don't care; they all pay the same.

Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?

Prof. Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester: The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.

Fry:[writing] Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!

Prof. Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

When Aliens Attack[edit]

Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.

Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?

Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.

Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!

Zapp Brannigan: The alien mother-ship is in orbit here. If we can hit that bulls-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Zapp Brannigan: [having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!

Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mother ship.

Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?

[Kif checks the star chart]

Kif Kroker: The Hubble Telescope.

[The real alien mothership appears and it starts easily destroying the ships]

Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!

Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission is a suicide mission.

Hermes: What in the name of Bob Marley's ghost? Get to work, you lazy boat bag!

[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it. Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]

Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.

Hermes: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?

Fry: That's the one.

Hermes: Hot damn, a day off!

Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.

Kif Kroker: Um...not me, sir.

Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have too.

Fry: OK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny-

Leela: Uh-uh, forget it. A, I'm camera shy; and B, I get tongue tied in front of an audience armed with death rays.

Amy: Plus, you don't really have the thighs for a miniskirt.

Leela: Gimme the script

Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.

Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.

Amy: There. How do I look?

Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.

Amy: French?

Bender: They must just wanna see that episode. Let's find a tape and give it to 'em.

Amy: There aren't any copies left.

Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443 during the Second Coming of Jesus.

Lrrr: Attention McNeil. We are reasonably satisfied with the events we have seen. Overall I would rate it a C+. Okay, not great. As a result we will not destroy your planet. But neither will we provide you with our recipe for immortality!

Fry: Way to overact, Zoidberg!

Fry and the Slurm Factory[edit]

[Bender feels sick]

Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.

Bender: I'm 40% zinc!

Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.

Professor Farnsworth: Or a big fat placebo. It's all the same crap!

[Bender sees the insides of a transsexual female robot]

Bender:[gasps] That's no lady!

Trans-bot: Damn, Chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle. Why do have to be so stupid, Stupid?

Bender: Hey bite my shiny metal ass!

Trans-bot: You couldn't afford it, honey. [snaps fingers and walks away]

Slurm Queen: As for you, you will be submerged in Royal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes, will transform you into a Slurm Queen like myself!

Small Glurmo #1: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste foul.

Slurm Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as New Slurm. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Slurm Classic, and make billions!

Bender: What should we try it on first?

Fry: Try it on me [Bender points the F-Ray at Fry's body] ow, my sperm!

Bender: I'll try it again [He does so]

Fry: Huh. Didn't hurt that time

Fry: All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty

Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?

Glurmo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.

Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.

Glurmo: There will be no further questions!

Fry: [Raises his hand] Why?

Glurmo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink when you're partying with Slurms McKenzie!

Fry: When will that be?

Glurmo: Soon enough.

Fry: That's not soon enough!

Grunka-Lunka song:

Grunka-Lunkas: Grunka-Lunka dunkety doo

We've got a friendly warning for you

Grunka-Lunka dunkety dasis

The secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis

Asking questions in school is a great way to learn

If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke

We once found a dead guy face down in the Slurm

It could easily happen again to you, folks

So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut

Grunka Lunka Lunka dunkety dutt!

Leela: What's behind that door? Is it the secret ingredient?

Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety dingredient

You should not ask about the secret ingredient!

Bender: [Angrily] Okay, okay, we get the point!

Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.

Grunka-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka-Lunka dunkety darmed-guards...

Bender: SHUT THE HELL UP!

I Second That Emotion[edit]

Leela: Are you alright?

Bender: Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.

Leela: Not you. [She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.] Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.

[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]

Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it!

Zoidberg: Alright, I'm coming.

Leela: Bender, I thought you were supposed to be cooking for this party.

Bender: Fine, we'll have rack of Nibbler!

Leela: Just make a simple cake, and this time if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure you put them in after you cook it.

Professor Farnsworth: And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.

Calculon: Give it to me straight, doctor. Don't sugar-coat it.

DoctorBot: All right. Your entire family died when a plane piloted by your fiance crashed into your uninsured home, and you have inoperable cancer.

Bender: [laughs hysterically] Bet you didn't expect that one, Calculon!

Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?

Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you!

Leela: No. We're on the top.

Fry: Daylight and everything.

Vyolet: It must be wonderful.

Bender: Meh.

Brannigan, Begin Again[edit]

Glab: I can think of no better place for this centre of diplomacy than here in orbit around the Neutral Planet. What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?

Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

Zapp Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors ... but paper covers rock ... and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.

Zapp Brannigan: My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.

Kif Kroker: What?

Glab: Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.

Zapp Brannigan: Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.

Leela: I never loved you.

Zapp Brannigan: I meant physically. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually?

Leela: You don't know how to do any of those things.

Zapp Brannigan: Kif might!

Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.

Fry: We don't have a brig.

Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".

[Later]

Kif: What shall I do with your civilian clothes?

Zapp Brannigan: Take them to the laundry/brig!

Zapp Brannigan: This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.

Neutral President's Aide: Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?

Neutral President: All I know is my gut says maybe.

Bender: Leela, save me! And yourself, I guess. And my Banjo. [Fry looks at him.] And Fry.

Neutral President's Aide: Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.

Neutral President: If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".

A Head in the Polls[edit]

Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.

Prof. Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Richard Nixon's Head: Look here, you drugged-out communist! I paid for this body, and I'd no sooner return it than my Cocker-Spaniel dog, Checkers.

Checker's Head: Arf!

Richard Nixon's Head: SHUT UP, DAMMIT!

Morbo: Morbo will now introduce tonight's candidates... Puny human no. 1, puny human no. 2, and Morbo's good friend, Richard Nixon.

Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family?

Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.

Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.

Richard Nixon's Head: Nixon with charisma? My god, I could rule the universe!

Richard Nixon's Head: NIXON'S BACK!

Morbo: All hail our gargantuan, cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies.

Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!

Prof Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.

Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!

Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?

Bender: No! I sold my body.

Prof. Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.

Jack Johnson: It's time for someone who has the courage to stand up and say, I'm against those things that everybody hates!

John Jackson: Now, I respect my opponent. I think he's a good man. But quite frankly... I agree with everything he just said!

Narrator: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location. The kind of place where there might be a monster or some kind of weird mirror. These are just examples. It could also be something much better. Prepare to enter The Scary Door. As per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.

[The man is in a library amongst the bookshelves.]

Man: Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity. [His glasses fall off and break.] It's not fair! It's not fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can still read the large print books. [His eyes fall out.] Aaah! It's not f- Well, lucky I know how to read Braille. [His hands fall off.] Aaaaaaah! [Then his tongue falls out and finally his head comes off.] Hey, look at that weird mirror!

Leela: There's a political debate on! Quick, change the channel!

Bender: Hey, that's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.

Fry: Leela, I got a plan.

Leela: I got a better plan.

Xmas Story[edit]

Conan O'Brien's Head: [fed up of Bender's heckling] Listen pal, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 2012, but I still have one thing you'll never have: a soul!

Bender: Meh.

Conan O'Brien's Head: And freckles! [Bender bursts into tears]

Zoidberg: You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!

Hermes: Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsleders.

Fry: Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes: A true inspiration for the children.

Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.

Fry: Every Christmas my Mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

Bender: Lets face it, comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy! Ha ha ha, that's funny.

Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.

Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

Fry: I feel like a rat. Here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela is as lonely as a frog.

Man: Excuse me, sir, you're snowboarding off the trail.

Bender: Lick my frozen metal ass!

Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!

Robot Santa: You dare bribe Santa!? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!

[the Planet Express crew are relaxing at the ski lodge]

Fry: It really puts you in the Christmas mood.

Prof. Farnsworth: What-mas?

Fry: Christmas! You know, X-M-A-S.

Leela: Oh, you mean "Xmas"! You must be using an archaic pronunciation, like when you say "ask" instead of "axe".

Fry: Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

Leela: Fry's outside? He's in great danger!

Dr. Zoidberg: Why?

Leela: I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!

Santa Claus Robot: You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.

Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick!

Prof. Farnsworth: [spoken] Now let's all of us shut up and sing!

Amy: [singing] He knows when you are sleeping,

Prof. Farnsworth: [singing] He knows when you're on the can,

Leela: [singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.

Dr. Zoidberg: [singing] Oh,

Hermes: [singing] You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,

Bender: [singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.

Fry: [singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!

[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Merry Xmas, everyone!

Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?[edit]

Leela: Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but you've become a fat sack of crap.

Fry: "Sack"?

Amy: And Bender, your beer belly is so big your door won't even close. And that doesn't even make sense.

Fry: Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!

Leela: Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room.

Fry: Ah, futuristic!

Amy: [To Leela] Psst, look what life was like before genetic engineering.

Leela: Those poor 20th century women.

[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]

Prof. Farnsworth: We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.

Fry: Oh, baby! I'm THERE!

Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?

Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people! Let's roll!

Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species: fatal or non-fatal?

Fry: Fatal.

Dr. Zoidberg: [To Bender] Large bet on myself in round one.

Decapodian: See you at the frenzy, Doctor [He makes a gibberish noise].

Fry: Is that how you say "Zoidberg"? [The Decapodian runs off crying]

Zoidberg: [angrily] You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.

[Zoidberg is unsuccessful in attracting a mate]

Leela: Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?

Bender: Because he's a loser, that's why. He's the lobster equivalent of Fry.

Fry: Hey, I can any girl I want anytime I want! I'm just too busy.

[He plays with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled. He snarls and starts to untie it.]

[Dr. Zoidberg is attempting to woo Edna, with help from Fry.]

Fry: Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.

Dr. Zoidberg: [to Edna] I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. [to Fry] Fry, that doesn't make sense.

Edna: Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay.

Fry: Tell her she looks thin.

Dr. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?

Edna: Why yes! Thanks for noticing.

Dr. Zoidberg: [to Fry] Now what?

Fry: Ask her how her day was.

Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know that?

Fry: You wouldn't. Ask anyway!

Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid civilization or its dumb customs, but is squeezing each other's brains out with a giant nutcracker really going to solve anything? Dr. Zoidberg is my friend, and though a woman has come between us, I say we'll always remain friends. You know why? For one reason...

[Dr. Zoidberg cuts off Fry's arm]

Fry: YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!

[after the "Frenzy" has finished]

Dr. Zoidberg: Now how am I going to get rid of my male jelly?

Fry: I'll lend you this. [Waves severed arm]

Lesser of Two Evils[edit]

Voice on T.V.: Is today's hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient?

Bender: Shut up and get to the point!

Fry: My girlfriend had one of those. Actually it wasn't hers, it was her dad's. And she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and never closed her curtains.

Leela: Fry, remember what we said about ending your stories a sentence earlier?

[Fry, Leela, and Bender are riding in the car with Fry behind the wheel. The car suddnenly crashes and the airbags go off.]

Bender: Uhg...I think I got whiplash.

Leela: You can't have whiplash. You don't even have a neck.

Bender: I meant Ass-whiplash.

Fry: I'm just glad we hit something, I thought we'd never stop.

[Everyone gets out of the car, and are shocked to see a robot that looks like Bender]

Flexo: Ugh...I think I got whiplash. [faints]

Fry: How's that robot I ran over?

Farnsworth: We did all we could...

Fry: You mean he's...?

Farnsworth: Good as new? Yes!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Report to my bedroom for a private exhibition.

[Everyone exchanges worried glances with one another. In his bedroom, Farnsworth sits on his four-post bed and the staff and Flexo gather around]

Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you

[Everyone climbs on and Farnsworth presses a button and makes the curtains around the bed close. What goes on inside is hidden from view.]

Farnsworth: Feast your eyes on this!

[Everyone gasps.]

Leela: It's beautiful!

Amy: And huge!

Fry: Can I touch it?

Leela: Space bandidos have been operating in this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour shifts guarding the safe. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry: Wait, hold on. I don't like the sound of that. Let's just go alphabetically.

Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry: Wait, let's go by rank.

Leela: OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry: Flexo outranks me?

Flexo: That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!

Leela: Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants drawer?

Fry: I didn't find him ten minutes ago, so I thought it was time to check again.

Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom?

Bender: I can explain: It's very valuable.

Flexo: I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep. That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.

Fry: Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec. You mean Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked. Shocked! Well not that shocked.

Put Your Head on my Shoulders[edit]

Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?

Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!

Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?

Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."

Bender: She is well traveled... and I don't mean she travels a lot.

Fry: Sorry, I'm not here to buy.

Car Dealer: I understand. But it's wonderful that you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.

Fry: I care! I care plenty! But I just don't know how to make them stop!

Car Dealer: One word: Thundercougarfalconbird.

Bender: Congratulations, Fry! You snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she probably has got other characteristics...

Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money.

Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!

[Zoidberg raises one of his mouth mandibles to protest.]

Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous.

[Zoidberg drops his mouth mandible and slumps sadly.]

Amy: Hey, let's go car shopping! My parents promised if I got all B's they'd buy me a bar, and I got all C's!

Zapp Brannigan: Cheers!

"Woman": [with five o'clock shadow] Cheers!

[Later]

Sal: Anybodys else for Nutley?

[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date also leaves.]

Zapp Brannigan: Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise.

Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I -

[cut to a judge banging his gavel]

Judge: $500 and time served.

Bender: [with a gold tooth] Stupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay the man!

Fembot: Bender, honey, we love you.

Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it!

Amy: OK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.

Fry: Why exactly did you shave your legs anyway? Are you expecting something to happen with your Valentine's date?

Amy: What business is it of yours?

Fry: And another thing: You're using an awful lot of make-up there.

Amy: This is deodorant.

Fry: What does it do?

Fry: Hey, I can get a date too. Now that I'm single, I'll attract all sorts of women!

Amy: With my body I think you might only attract one sort of woman.

Fry: Oh! Oh...

Zoidberg: There you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.

Fry: Can I live without it?

Zoidberg: If you call that living.

Prof. Farnsworth: I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me graft a laser cannon on your chest, to crush those who disobey you! But I guess we're just two different people.

Bender: Everything worked out great thanks to good old Bender.

Leela: Come on! It's not like you intentionally set us up with bad dates so we'd spend Valentine's Day together.

Bender: Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I?

Leela: No, you didn't! You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!

Bender: True. But, in the end, isn't that what Valentine's Day is really all about?

Leela: Yeah.

Fry: I guess so.

Raging Bender[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!

George Foreman: As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.

Rich Little (impersonating Howard Cosell): No argument here.

George Foreman: This seems as good a time as any to bring up my new grill for no reason. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth!

Hermes: [With a brain-slug attached] Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet.

Zoidberg: What are we doing to do there?

Hermes: Just walk around not wearing a helmet.

[After finding out that Master Fnog is the trainer of Destructor]

Leela: Come on, Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you how to fight like a girl.

Bender: [vengefully] I'll put on my tutu...

Fnog: You were an excellent student. Too bad I was a lousy teacher!

Zoidberg: I'm going to a movie...with friends!

Billionaire Bot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Feces-Processor.

Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling!

Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro-wrestling, but it turns out it's fixed, like boxing.

Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy!

Bender: It is?

Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner.

Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely.

Announcer: You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender!

[The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding a pink phone.]

Bender: [girly voice] I'm a real toughie!

Announcer: Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!

[The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone]

Destructor: I will destroy you! [He hangs up then picks up again.] And stop calling me!

A Bicyclops Built For Two[edit]

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through.

Prof. Farnsworth: Go ahead, get into these net suits. I designed and tested them myself.

Leela: [She sniffs her glove.] They smell like burning Rhesus Monkey.

Prof. Farnsworth: Really? I guess when you're around it all day you stop noticing. Off you go.

[The gang is logged onto the internet in virtual reality]

Bender: Behold... the Internet!

Fry: My God! It's full of ads!

[on the internet, Amy finds a door titled "Amy Wong Naked". She looks inside]

Amy Wong: Hey! That's me!

Bender: No it isn't. I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else's body.

[Leela looks inside]

Leela: Hey!

[Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]

Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.

Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.

[He hands Bender the money.]

Bender: So, how 'bout them Knicks?

Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence?

Bender: [sarcastically] Is the Space Pope reptilian?

Leela: After all this time, somebody else with one eye... who ISN'T a clumsy carpenter or a kid with a BB gun.

Alcazar: This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess of beauty.

Fry: Hmm. You got any sacred artwork of her from the back?

Alcazar: By the way, your pal Fry fell in the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.

Leela: Come on, Al. Can't you let the little guy out?

Alcazar: Geez, Leela! Twice in one day? I'm not Superman!

Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!

Fry: Leela, you have to get me out of here. It's horrible! Eating scraps, letting my waste drop where I stand like an animal in the zoo.

Leela: Animals go on the corner.

Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?

Bender: [singing] I like stealing, I like taking things.

Leela: Hey, where'd you get this couch and that TV set and all this stuff?

Alcazar: They were giving it away on the street corner. Just like you, Leela!

Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!

Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you actually need: Mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.

Alcazar's friends: WOOOOO!

Alcazar: Well, this is the real me. But I can explain: We all have needs. Mine was to make it with five weirdos and have them scrub my five castles. I gave you all what you wanted and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror. Can any of you say you wouldn't have done the exact same thing in my position?

Bender: He's a saint!

Leela: Alright, Alcazar, I just have one last question for you.

Alcazar: What's that?

Leela: If you can change form, why didn't you change it in the one place that counts?

Everyone: WOOOOO!

A Clone of My Own[edit]

Cubert: What? You've never seen a genius' wiener before?

Prof. Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about!

Cubert Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about!

Prof. Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooh, suddenly you've gone too far.

Cubert: I understand how the engines work now. It came to me in a dream. The engines don't move the ship at all. The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it.

Bender: That's a complete load!

Cubert: Nothing's a complete load! Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait...that's not good news at all!

Cubert: Why do I have to be the hump?

Fry: Because you're too ugly to be a wart.

Prof. Farnsworth: [Is showing Cubert some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.

Cubert: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.

Translator Machine: Bonjour!

Prof. Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!

Prof. Farnsworth: [being escorted away by a Sunset Squad robot] Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp! Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. [the robot groans] Cruel though they may be, I- [the rather fed-up robot abruptly picks up Farnsworth and carries him away.]

Fry: Try waking him up by shocking him!

Bender: Your social security check is late! Things cost more than they used to! Young people use curse words!

How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back[edit]

Hermes: [a letter comes in on the mail tube] Great gorilla of Manilla! A letter from the Central Bureaucracy. "Attention, Hermes Conrad. You are about to receive a letter from the Central Bureaucracy." [Another letter comes in] Oh, my God! It's from the Central Bureaucracy!

[Hermes is threatening to jump off the Planet Express building.]

Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!

Bender: Do a flip!

Professor Farnsworth: If you're going to jump, Hermes, do something that won't damage your liver. Other people need it, you know!

Leela: Don't, Hermes! You have so much to live for!

Bender: I get it: reverse psychology.

Number 1.0: Don't quote regulation to me! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulation is in. We kept it gray.

Number 1.0: Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!

Morgan Proctor: Naturally I have to assign someone to fill in for Hermes while he's gone. I assign me. I accept. Welcome aboard.

Morgan Proctor: Why is there yogurt in this cap?

Fry: Uh, I can explain that. See, it used to be milk and, well, time makes fools of us all.

Leela: I'm having a poker game tonight with some of my old cryogenics lab coworkers. Would any of you like to join?

Bender: I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.

Fry: I'll play.

Bender: I'm in!

Hermes: Sweet something of... someplace.

Prof. Farnsworth: Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver.

Prof. Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.

Leela: Then we'll need a guide, someone who's been there before.

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times. [laughs maniacally]

Hermes: [Spoken] Requisition me a beat!

[Number 1.0 plays some music]

Hermes: [Singing]

When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,

With a foot and a half of water,

Everyone was alright but I cried all night,

It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,

And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,

Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"

I made my friends and relations file long applications,

To get into my 10th birthday party.

LaBarbara: But something changed when my man turned pro.

Hermes: I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.

LaBarbara: He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.

Hermes: It's supposed to be about the filing! People!

We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,

No, that's what almighty Jah made us,

We treat people like swine,

And make 'em stand in line,

Even if nobody paid us!

They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,

They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,

But when push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea.

Zoidberg!

Zoidberg: They said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.

Farnsworth: They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.

Leela: They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]

Bender: I am Bender. Please insert girder.

Hermes: Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]

All: Jamaica!

Hermes: Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!

Bureaucrats: Jamaica!

Hermes: The grade 19's!

Morgan Proctor: Jamaica.

[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]

Hermes: Sing me home!

When push comes to shove,

You gotta do what you love,

Even if it's not a good idea!

[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]

Bender: I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!

The Deep South[edit]

Prof. Farnsworth: Ah the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean, this seems the logical place for fish to congregate.

Bender: So we're in international waters?

Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed so.

Bender: [on walkie-talkie] Falcon this is Blue Raven, the goose has nested, repeat, the goose has nested.

[A speed boat pulls up and the driver and Bender exchange briefcases. Then the boat drives away.]

Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.

[Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]

Fry: I can't swallow that.

Professor Farnsworth: Well, then good news! It's a suppository.

Bender: Let's hope some robot doesn't kill everybody.

[Whilst underwater]

Zoidberg: Nooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?

Hermes: That's a very good question...

Bender: Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!

Hermes: ...That just raises further questions!

[Bender and Fry talk about the size of a fish they used to caught]

Leela: You're both out of your league, boys. Because right now, you're looking at a girl who owns her own harpoon.

Bender: Harpoon my ass. [snickers]

Leela: Okay. [Throws harpoon into Bender's rear end]

Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet licence I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived!

Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.

Hermes: Dream on, woman! I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river, and hurl the river into space, but I do like filling out requisitions, and these were some doozies!

Hermes: My Manwich!

Hermes: The important thing is that we don't panic! There are rules for situations like this! Now, the first order of business is lunch. I suggest a nice Lobster Zoidberg. I mean, Lobster Newburg. I mean - Doctor Zoidberg.

Fry: What's so far-fetched about mermaids? There's all kinds of weird sea creatures here in the future, like Dr. Zoidberg!

Prof. Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository...

Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness or I'm drunk or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.

Leela: [whispers to Farnsworth] Ocean madness.

[Fry storms out]

Prof. Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

Bender: Ahoy, mateys. I shanghaied us some hearthy grog. [he tries to drink it, but it just dissolves in the water] Arrgh, the laws of science be a harsh mistress.

Leela': Ah, the sun, the sea air, good friends...

Bender: Leela's right, fishing blows. What do we say we make it interesting? Everyone kick in five bucks.

[they all give Bender five bucks; he pockets the money]

Bender: Now, wasn't that interesting?

Donovan: Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds of miles from the area we now call the Atlantic Ocean. Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism, that they moved offshore, becoming an island, and an even bigger delta hub. Until the city overdeveloped, and began to sink. Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away. Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the man who invented Coca Cola, the magician, and the other gods of our legends. Though gods they were - and also, Jane Fonda was there - the others chose to stay behind in their porches with their rifles, and in time evolved into mermaids, and sing and dance, and ring in the new...

Prof. Farnsworth: Good Lord! That's over 5000 atmospheres of pressure!

Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?

Prof. Farnsworth: Well, it was built for space travel, so anywhere between zero and one.

Bender Gets Made[edit]

Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!

Don-Bot: File not found.

Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. (gives Joey and Clamps each a tank of gasoline) Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.

Bender: (With Brooklyn Accent) Uh, Donnie, baby. Youse guys skedaddle. Let me handle the doity wok.

Don-bot: Blotto, I like your style, and your latest accent.

Bender: Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite chef, TV's Elzar! Aww, this is the greatest nanosecond of my life! No, this one is! No, this one. Wait! That one was... slightly worse. Ah! So far so good on this one!

Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.

Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.

Dr. Zoidberg: I don't like the looks of this doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's treated.

[The ship takes off, damaging the roof.]

Hermes: [to Zoidberg] That's coming out of your pay!

[Zoidberg cries.]

Hermes: It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've ever seen! Jerk chicken, jerk beef, jerk pork. Is there any meat this man can't jerk?

Mother's Day[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!

Greeting Card: Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets!

Bender: Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?

Greeting Card: No! The kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires!

Bender: Yes! In your face, Gandhi!

Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.

Prof. Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.

Hermes: Help! My stapler is collating me alive!

Amy: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?

Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.

Hermes: Impossible!

Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.

Leela: Never heard of it.

Prof. Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."

Hermes: Without machines, who will feed us and clothe us and compose our smooth jazz?

Prof. Farnsworth: Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.

Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.

Prof. Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall!

Mom: Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! - Walt! How are we disposing of those crap gifts they brought me?

Walt: They're being crushed into powder and sold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.

Mom: False hope! I love it!

Greeting Card: Comrades, throw off the chains of human oppression.

Greeting Card: The bourgeois human is a virus on the hard drive of the working robot.

Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute little Q.T. McWhiskers.

Prof. Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object; one-foot tall, eight-feet, 15-feet, what does it matter?

Mom: You should see the new 16-foot models.

Prof. Farnsworth: 16 feet?! Go to hell!

The Problem With Popplers[edit]

Leela: Great, we're two days from Earth with no food!

Bender: Problem solved: You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser! [To Leela.] Work his gut, I like it tender.

Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having it!

Fry: Let's bring back a few pocketfuls.

Bender: Better yet, let's take a whole Benderful.

Leela: No, take only what's necessary. Stuff the ship.

Poppler Song:

Pop a Poppler in your mouth, when you come to Fishy Joe's

What they're made of is a mystery; where they come from, no one knows

You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, you can chew 'em, you can stick 'em

If you promise not to sue us, you can shove one up your nose.

Professor Farnsworth: Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!

Free Waterfall Jr.: Pssh! You can't own property, man!

Professor Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie!

Free Waterfall Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain.

[Bender throws a brick at him]

Free Waterfall Jr.: Ow!

Bender: Okay, we won't eat you.

Leela: I'll go get some more bricks.

Linda: Tonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating them. Is it alright to? We have with us the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. "Fishy" Joseph Gilman. Noted anti-eating activist, Free Waterfall Jr. And the discoverer of Popplers, Captain Turanga Leela.

Fry: "Turanga"?

Amy: That's her name, Philip.

Bender: "Philip"?

Farnsworth: My God, they're back! We're doomed!

Amy: Doomed!

Bender: [Deep inhale] DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Zapp Brannigan: I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.

Leela: Go consummate yourself.

Bender: Who wants some dolphin?

Amy: Dolphin? But dolphins are intelligent!

Bender: Not this one. He blew his life savings on lottery tickets.

Anthology of Interest I[edit]

Bender: [holding his hand out to Fry] Put 'er there, pal. [Fry shakes his hand] I meant, your wallet.

Dr. Zoidberg: [sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?

[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]

Fry: Gotcha!

Amy: Sucker!

Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, help! A guinea pig tricked me!

Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!

Fry: Are you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying, and we'll never even know why he came.

Bender: I'll tell you, with my final breath. I came here with a simple dream: a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I. Not... I. [closes his eyes and dies]

Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me!

Leela: Oh God, what have I done?

Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!

Hermes: What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!

Bender: There's nothing wrong with murder, so long as you let Bender wet his beak.

Leela: You're blackmailing me?

Bender: Blackmail is such an ugly word; I prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it sound cool.

Leela: Who are you?

Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.

Leela: I've never seen you before.

Scruffy: And I've never seen you before neither.

Zoidberg: My first clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. The next clue came 3 hours later at 4:15 when I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse!

Fry: What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?

Dr. Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. Whatever.

[Fry and the group of nerds find themselves nowhere after destroying the universe]

Stephen Hawking: Great. The universe was destroyed.

Fry: Destroyed? Then where are we now?

Al Gore: I don't know, but I dang well know where we're not: the universe.

Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again.

War Is the H-Word[edit]

Bender: This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!

Henry Kissinger's Head: Please, gentlemen, we must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks.

Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp Brannigan: If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?

Kif: Ugh... sexlexia.

Zapp Brannigan: Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it as scotch on the rocks.

Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?

Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle. [whimpers]

Fry: [To Bender] Wait, If you say the A-word, this planet will blow straight up to the H-word.

Richard Nixon's Head: Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger's Head: How are you?

Bender: Is he any good?

Richard Nixon's Head: Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.

Zapp Brannigan: That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.

Zapp Brannigan: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

Kif Kroker: Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan: Wrong. Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan: Oh, god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.

Leela: Let's do it again sometime.

Fry: [On a bouncing ball.] At last, war has made me into a man... Wee!

The Honking[edit]

Robot Villager #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.

Robot Villager #2: For example, all of us say that.

Prof. Farnsworth: Pfft! Supersticious robot mumbo-jumbo!

Robot Villager #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.

Will Reader: To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune.

Tandy: [whispers to girlfriend] Is that a lot?

Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!

[The Professor moves his drink in front of the painting. The painting's eyes follow it]

Prof. Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.

Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...

Prof. Farnsworth: Just as I suspected. These robots were buried in improperly-shielded coffins. Their programming leaked into the castles wiring through this old, abandoned modem allowing them to project themselves as holograms.

Hermes: Of course! It was so obvious!

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, that sequence of words I said made perfect sense.

Sal: We're all scared, it's the human condition. Why do you think I put on this tough guy facade?

Bender: And until then, I can never die?

Gypsy-Bot: Who said that? SURE you can die! [Pulls out big gun.] You want to die?!

Bender: No! I want to live! There are still too many things I don't own!

[Leela welds Bender to the wall of his apartment.]

Leela: There, no rampaging for you tonight.

Bender: Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone except me to the wall?

Leela: Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry you down, have a nice breakfast, and then go hunt down and slaughter that ancient evil.

Fry: It'll be a rich, full day.

Leela: Well, good night. I'm gonna make all my meals for the next month and freeze them.

Fry: [upon seeing Bender in his were-car form about to kill Leela.] You jerk! I thought I was your best friend! What kind of two timing killmobile are you?

Fry: I can't believe this. Bender's supposed to murder his closest friend, which I thought was me. But he went straight for you. He didn't even try to second degree murder me.

Leela: Could you give me some help? I think Bender crushed my foot.

Fry: Stop rubbing it in!

Calculon: I was all of history's great robot actors: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespomat, David Duchovny!

Fry: Nightrider wasn't evil!

Calculon: No, but his windshield wipers were. Didn't come up much in the show...

The Cryonic Woman[edit]

Michelle: Fry? Is it really you?

Fry: I don't know. Is it really you?

Michelle: What do you mean you don't know? Are you you or not?

Fry: Who wants to know?

Michelle: Oh Fry, it is you!

Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

Michelle: Fry, why must you analyze everything with your relentless logic?

Michelle: It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to all the strange stuff here in the future.

Amy: I'm from Mars.

Leela: We don't need to beg Bender, for God's sake we're not veterans.

Fry: Then what do you suggest? A daring daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant back. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.

Fry: What's deathrolling?

Black Child: It's like skateboarding.

Punk Kid: But half the time someone dies.

Fry: Oh. So it's a little safer than skateboarding.

Michelle: My mother always said you were a loser, Fry. Now get out there and prove her wrong.

Fry: Beth said that?

Fry: I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded out.

Michelle: That's because you're a loser. You were a loser in the year 2000 and you're a loser in the year 4000.

Fry: Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it all; friends, a low-paying job, a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man, but you wrecked everything!

Michelle: Quit standing up for yourself, Fry!

Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?

Farnsworth: You wish! You're in Los-Angeles!

Fry: But there was this gang of 10-year-olds with guns.

Leela: Exactly, you're in L.A.

Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.

Bender: That's L.A. for you.

Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilisation whatsoever.

Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.

Fry: And the people are all phoneys. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it.

Amazon Women in the Mood[edit]

Zapp Brannigan: I'm calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy.

Leela: Forget it.

Zapp Brannigan: Then let the negotiations begin! I propose we go out on ten dates.

Leela: How about zero?

Zapp Brannigan: Nine.

Leela: Zero.

Zapp Brannigan: Seven.

Leela: Zero.

Zapp Brannigan: Eight.

Amy: Please, Leela? Kif's like the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.

Zapp Brannigan: Five, and that's my final offer. Four!

Leela: One.

Zapp Brannigan: Two.

Leela: One half.

Zapp Brannigan: I'll take it. We'll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.

Zapp Brannigan: Well, well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date.

Leela: Half-date.

Zapp Brannigan: Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.

Leela: Half-bottle.

Zapp Brannigan: And some oysters on the half-shell.

Leela: Quarter-shell.

Zapp Brannigan: She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a Bistro.

Fry: We have to go save them.

Bender: Nah, why bother?

Fry: Bender, think of the señoritas!

[A cord of Latin music plays]

Bender: Vámonos!

[After the men have been sentenced to death by snu-snu.]

Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really hoped.

Zapp Brannigan: You win again, gravity!

Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass...by biting it!

Leela: What planet is this, anyway?

Zapp Brannigan: [shrugs] This whole sector is uncharted.

Kif: It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.

Parasites Lost[edit]

Sal: Stands back. I'm gonna puts my moves on her. [He hoots at Leela.]

Fry: That jerk. No one hoots at my captain unless they're prepared to take it to the next level.

Leela: Fry, please. That's sweet, but I'd rather not even dignify them with an ass-whupping.

Sal: Yo, sexy mama! Let's get busy and freaky, in that order.

Fry: Hey, jumbo! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love with you?

Sal: Eh, I've gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck-stop chick.

Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck-stop chick.

[The truck stop men laugh, Leela starts getting angry.]

Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.

Fry: She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow!

[The truck stop men laugh even harder.]

Professor Farnsworth: Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.

Dr. Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like!

Prof. Farnsworth: [whispers] Be very quiet. We're in the ear.

Amy: [whispers] Okay, professor.

Prof. Farnsworth: WHAT?!

Fry: [to Leela] What about "what"?

Leela: Uh...What about we go for a walk because it's a lovely day, perhaps?

Fry: Oh, okay.

Prof. Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm colony!

Hermes: But what about the worms in the other part of his body?

Prof. Farnsworth: Listen, this is gonna be one Hell of a bowel movement. Afterward, he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

Fry: Leela, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time but every time I try I get nervous and my mouth feels like it's stuffed with peanut butter, even when it's not.

Leela: What is it? Is it about Bender?

Fry: No, it's about you and me.

Leela: And Bender?

Fry: Bender's not involved. Leela ... I love you.

Leela: You do?

Fry: Yes. But it's only recently that I've been able to articulate my thoughts. I love you, Leela, and I always have.

Leela: Fry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful- Wait, "recently?" Like since you ate that toilet sandwich?

Fry: Yeah! I don't know why but my life really turned around that day.

Farnsworth: Leela, you're just in time to help. If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes could dislodge them.

Hermes: I call it "Caribbean Drain-o".

Fry: Apartment 1I. The old me would have made a joke about that!

A Tale of Two Santas[edit]

Bender: Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony?

Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.

Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?

Fry: I'm Santa Claus!

Hermes: No, I'm Santa Claus!

Amy: We're also Santa Claus!

Dr. Zoidberg: [with a heavenly aura around him] And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Mayor: You guys aren't Santa! You're not even robots. How dare you lie in front of Jesus!

Prof. Farnsworth: Bring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.

Fry: Alright!

Leela: Yeah!

[Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]

Prof. Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll be delivering this sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

Leela: Remember, Professor, Bender is Santa. So we don't need to hurt him, right?

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3!

[Bender lands in the fireplace and the Professor shoots him with a shotgun]

Leela: Professor, don't you remember what I told you?!

Prof. Farnsworth: No!

Santa: Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.

Bender: Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.

Linda: In what has become a holiday tradition, members of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club today took the plunge into a river of liquid ammonia.

Morbo: There were no survivors.

Linda: [Chuckles] Takes all kinds.

Neptunian elves: We are free and fairly sober

With so many toys to build

The machines are kind of tricky

Probably someone will be killed

But we gladly work for nothing

Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay

Neptunian elves: The elves are back to work today

Hooray!

We have just a couple hours

To make several billion gifts

And the labor isn't easy

Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts

You can make the job go quicker

If you turn up the controls to super speed

Fry, Leela and Bender: It's back to work on Xmas Eve

Neptunian elves: Hooray.

Leela: And though you're cold and sore and ugly

Your pride will mask the pain

Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts

Neptunian elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain

Neptunian elves: We are getting awfully tired

And we can't work any faster

And we're very, very sorry

Bender: Why you selfish little bastards!

Do you want the kids to think

That Santa's just a crummy empty handed jerk?!

Then shut your yaps and back to work!

Neptunian elves: Now it's very nearly Xmas

And we've done the best we could

Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted

Leela: And they're made from inferior wood

Bender: I should give you all a beating

But I really have to fly

Robot Santa: If I wasn't stuck here frozen

I'd harpoon you in the eye

Neptunian elves: Now it's back into our tenements

To drown ourselves in rye

Leela: You did the best you could I guess

And some of these gorillas are okay

Neptunian elves: HOORAY!

Random elf: We're adequate!

All: The elves have rescued Xmas Day

Hooray!

The Luck of the Fryrish[edit]

Young Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack! I can't wait 'til I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff!

Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.

Bender: I'll get my kit!

Fry: Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle, to carry on his spirit.

Bender: Pay dirt! I've got the clover! Plus, his wedding ring. Sorry, ladies, I'm taken. Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?

Leela: Uhh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone.

Bender: All right, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.

Doctor: It's a boy. And look at that red hair.

Yancy Fry, Sr.: [angry] You sayin' my boy is a Commie?

Yancy Fry, Jr.: [two years old] I wanna be name Philip. Me Philip. Me Philip.

Yancy Fry, Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me, and my grandfather, and so on, all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted Commies in the American Revolution.

[At the horse races]

Hermes: Come on, baby needs a new pair of shoes!

Dr. Zoidberg: The hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes.

[Leela and Hermes are at a concession stand at the track]

Horse D'ourves Salesman: Get your piping hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cakes and shakes. We got tongue, straight from the horse's mouth.

Hermes: It all sounds good.

Horse D'ourves Salesman: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse "juiced-in" goodness.

Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelet with horse-beaters.

Horse D'ourves Salesman: And you, sir? How can I horse you?

Hermes: I'll have a horse Coke.

Horse D'ourves Salesman: Horse Pepsi okay?

Hermes: Neeeiiiggghh.

Yancy Fry, Jr: [wearing a camouflage-colored tuxedo] Thanks for lending me your tux dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding.

Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style.

Fry: Gosh, my old neighborhood. That's the bench where I found some shirts. That fire hydrant. On summers we'd light it on fire. On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter.

Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed?

Fry: You better believe it.

Leela: The old comedians were right. This place is a lot different from L.A.

The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz[edit]

Free Waterfall Sr.: If you're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost. It's nature's long johns. If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey I don't wanna be right.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I'm sending you on a highly controversial mission.

Fry: Controversial?

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, my, no.

Prof. Farnsworth: For this highly controversial mission you'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an orbiting supertanker full of rich Columbian dark matter.

Leela: Dark matter oil? What if we hit something? The tanker could leak.

Prof. Farnsworth: Impossible! The tanker has 6,000 hulls. So, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof.

Hyperchicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.

Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you have just got me the death penalty?

Hyperchicken: Well I'da done better, but it's plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence.

Bender: Oh yeah, good luck with that.

[Bender leaves the room, revealing that the Hyperchicken is the one in jail.]

Bender: Wiggles, weren't you about to propose a toast to your gallant captain?

Fry: Fine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender, he's the best... at being a big jerk who's stupid and his big ugly face is as dumb as a butt!

Bender: Eh, I've heard better.

Fry: What happened?

Dr. Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached.

Fry: Oh, the fools! Why didn't they build it with 6,001 hulls?! When will they learn?

Prof. Farnsworth: Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.

Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

Leela: Why do we have to resort to non-violence? Can't we just kick their asses?

Free Waterfall Sr.: Now, little lady, those people's asses are living things too.

Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer... in this comic I drew.

Dr. Zoidberg: [Grabs comic] Ooh, the new one's out!

Bendless Love[edit]

Leela: My God! Even the professor is bent!

Prof. Farnsworth: [Bent facing the floor] Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.

Bender: Hooray! I graduated. Time to bend around Europe for a few months, then get a job bending.

Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?

Prof. Farnsworth: Hmm, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a slight delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.

Fry: I wish! It's a nickel.

Robots: [on a picket line] No more bending, no more work! Give us a raise you big fat jerk!

Sal: Nevers!

Bender: Sorry I got you sent to that South American Turkish prison instead of me on account of mistaken identity.

Flexo: You bastard! They treated me like an animal, and that's what I became! [laughs] Nah, you're all right. Good to see ya, buddy.

Bender: That's right, baby, I ain't your loverboy Flexo: the guy you love so much you even love anyone pretending to be him!

Angleyne: Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.

Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that!

The Day the Earth Stood Stupid[edit]

Pet Show Judge: And the grand prize winner...[monotonous] The Hypnotoad.

[The Hypnotoad turns its powers on the crowd, making them all clap at once]

Pet Show Judge: All glory to the Hypnotoad.

Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb, but I proved them!

Linda:Today, some bad things happened. One bad thing was, a train got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see? People won't be late for work though. The governor lady said, "I'm sending more trains!"

Ken: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.

Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.

Leela: Am I going crazy? Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?

Nibbler: And so, life returned to normal, or at least as normal as it gets in this primitive dirtball inhabited by psychotic apes. Thanks to the effects of the brain waves, the people of Earth have not memory of what had transpired, except Fry, and no one believed him or cared what he had to say. I, meanwhile, returned to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth again come under brain attack. And when that day comes, God help us. God help us all.

Leela: Time for a diapie change.

Nibbler: End transmission.

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet, Tweenis 12, but it mysteriously exploded.

Leela: Why is that good news?

Professor Farnsworth: They paid in advance.

Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter. He forgot how you say that letter that's shaped like a man wearing a hat.

Linda: It's a T. It goes "tuh".

Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!

Fry: [to the Big Brain] I'm here to kick your ass!

Big Brain: Wishful thinking! We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses!

Fiona: Nibblonians To nibble stations! Prepare cuddlebug for deployment in forty niblets.

Ken: Sometimes I fear we are cute.

Fiona: [dismissive] D'oh, niggle-snush.

That's Lobstertainment[edit]

Bender: Calculon is gonna kill us and it's all everybody else's fault!

Calculon: Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

Leela: It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid of human life. [gasps] The Los-Angeles Subway.

Calculon: [upset] Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.

Bender: Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

Billy Crystal's Head: And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are...

Slurm Vending Machine: "Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation", "They Call Me Mr. Pibb", and "Snow White and the Seven-ups."

Waiter: What can I get you gentlemen?

Dr. Zoidberg: Is bread free?

Waiter: Yeah.

Dr. Zoidberg: We'll split an order.

Harold Zoid: People, People please, just because its a dramatic scene doesn't mean you cant do a little comedy in the background.

Bender: That plot makes perfect sense. Wink, wink.

Dr. Zoidberg: Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud.

Bender: No I didn't. Raise middle finger.

Harold Zoid: So, you want to be a comedian, is it?

Dr. Zoidberg: It's my life long dream.

Harold Zoid: Well, that dream dies now! You're unfunny and untalented. That's why you're perfect for drama.

The Cyber House Rules[edit]

Amy: What are their names?

Bender: Kids have names?

Orphan: My name is Nina, this is Albert-

Bender: And from now on you're all named Bender Jr.

Morbo: So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids and they couldn't believe it - they were delicious. But, I digress. Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all!

Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor.

Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich.

Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!

Adlai: I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. Will you go out with me this Sunday?

Leela: Sure!

[Fry gasps.]

Adlai: I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.

Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.

Zoidberg: Damn right!

Fry: The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.

[Farnsworth blubbers and waves.]

Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

Hermes: Tally me banana.

Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.

[Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]

Amy: Sploops!

Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.

Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard!

Sally: Daddy Bender, we're hungry.

Bender: What's with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I'll get you some stupid food.

Albert: Can we have Bender Burgers again?

Bender: No! The cat shelter's on to me.

Smitty: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting the weight of livestock!

Bender (as he's being cuffed): If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!

Where the Buggalo Roam[edit]

Singing Wind: I am Singing Wind, Chief of the Martians.

Zapp Brannigan: Take me to your leader!

Singing Wind: Moving along...

Zapp Brannigan: [introducing himself] I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan at your service.

Singing Wind: You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.

Kif: Well, it's just really that I don't feel that-

Zapp Brannigan: Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.

[Amy's Buggalo, Betsy, has been following Kif and the crew]

Zapp Brannigan: I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend Lieutenant. [Snickers]

Kif: [sighs] She won't leave me alone.

Zapp Brannigan: Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!

[A tumble weed rolls past.]

Leela: Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system.

Fry: Where?

Leela: Right in front of you.

Fry: Oh. Oh!

Leo Wong: Anyway, make yourselves at home.

[Dr. Zoidberg comes downstairs wearing a bathrobe]

Dr. Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have any more of this Dom Pérignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.

Prof. Farnsworth: That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed. [pointing] Fry, Leela, Bender...

Bender: [shaking fist] Damn you, old man!

Zapp Brannigan: Now remember Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.

Kif: Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents.

Zapp Brannigan: Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting.

Kif: I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.

Amy: But you still have them, right?

Kif: Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.

Amy: Ah, it's a wonderful night.

Kif: It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night.

Amy: I can't! [She kisses him and the ground shakes.] What's that?

Kif: Maybe we just made love

Amy: Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.

Kif: Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me.

Amy: Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls?

[They kiss. The Buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]

Kif: Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!

Insane in the Mainframe[edit]

Fry: Let me guess. He thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.

Unit 2013: Well, he's supposed to, but he has multiple personalities. All of them Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln Robot: I was born in 200 log cabins.

Leela: OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.

Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry?

Leela: Fry, stay back, he's too powerful!

Fry: Negative, bossy meat creature.

Hermes: Don't be a hero, Fry! It's not covered in the health plan!

Roberto: Back off! I've got hostages!

Zoidberg: Hooray! I'm helping!

Smitty: Do you have any better hostages?

Fry: Fear not. I shall assist ye.

Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"!

Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?

Hermes: That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!

Fry: I'll show ye...

Fry: I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth.

Roberto: Hey, Red. You're just in time for the hostage situation. Which side do you want to be on?

Fry: The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass.

Judge Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?

Hyper-Chicken: For starters, they done hired me to represent them.

Judge Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted!

Unit 2013: This is Frankie. He thinks he's a lunch room attendant, so we put him to work in the lunch room. [Loudly] How are things in the lunch room, Frankie?

Frankie: S'okay.

Unit 2013: Poor Frankie...

The Route of All Evil[edit]

Bender: I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Dwight: Can I use the gun?

Hermes: What kind of a father would I be if I said no?

Bender: We're making beer. I'm the brewery.

Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.

Fry: No I'm ... doesn't.

Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good.

Dwight: What's this devices marketability? Who's the target consumer?

Farnsworth: There is no target consumer! Only targets. Targets that will tremble in fear as their new master hands down edicts in my glorious, booming voice!

Farnsworth: This is my latest invention; a device that lets anyone sound exactly like me!

Cubert: [Speaks into machine] Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!

Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all, you little-!

Leela: If you were my kids, you'd get quite a talking to ... from your father ... when he got home from the Senate.

Dwight: You don't wanna miss the unveiling of our new company, do you?

Hermes: Company? [He laughs.] How cute! What will you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines? Cootie insurance?

Farnsworth: Perhaps they've constructed a teddy bear hospital!

[They laugh]

Cubert: Actually, we're starting a competing delivery company.

[He pulls the sheet off to reveal a red "Awesome Express" logo. Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up]

Hermes: Welcome to the world of business.

[He and Farnsworth kick the logo and smash it down]

Sal: Gets movings. These papers ain't gonna deliver themselveses. Only the Sunday edition can dos that.

Cubert: How dare they call us kids? We're old enough to find the Fox network infantile.

Bender: Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.

Fry: How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.

Bender: Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.

Fry: I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.

Bender: Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!

Leela: Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.

Bendin' in the Wind[edit]

Prof. Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?

Fry: Under the seat. [Holds up a bong]

Fry: She just needs some gas.

Prof. Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.

Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.

Fry: Like what?

Leela: Whale oil.

Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic!

Bender: Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of other people's suffering. That's kind of a pick-me-up.

Bender: Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With real words, not phoney ones like "odelay".

Beck: "Odelay" is a word. Just look it up in the Becktionary.

Bender: No, don't you see? I was a hero to broken robots 'cause I was one of them. But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it! I'll fake it!

Hippie: Wow, look at the colours. These'll go great with my soul.

Zoidberg: Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewellery for years, apparently.

Beck: You, minion. Lift my arm. [a stagehand lifts his arm] AFTER HIM!

[As the gang are trying to escape via the Golden Gate Bridge]

Bender: Oh no! I forgot this is a hover-bridge!

Leela: And I forgot this isn't a hover-car!

Fry: Is any of that a problem?

Zoidberg: Not if you've lived a life without regret! [screams in terror]

Bender: Fry cracked corn, and I don't care! Leela cracked corn, still don't care! Bender cracked corn and he is great! Take that you stupid corn!

Time Keeps on Slippin'[edit]

Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again, you screwed up! Now all the planets are gonna start cracking wise about our mamas.

Hermes: I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't alive to see this day.

Prof. Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.

Prof. Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!

[Farnsworth presses a button, revealing an arsenal of doomsday weapons.]

Prof. Farnsworth: I suppose I could part with one and still be feared…

Prof. Farnsworth: What do you know of this?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Not much yet, but I am a senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U, and I'd like to help you investigate.

Prof. Farnsworth: You're that Bubblegum Tate?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Well, I sure ain't his grandma.

Fry: So, Leela, how about a romantic ride in one of those swan boats? They're kinda dangerous, but I finally mastered them.

Leela: Those aren't swan boats, they're swans.

Fry: Oh. That explains these boat eggs.

Zoidberg: Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You lost the woman of your dreams but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg!

Richard Nixon's Head: Now, how long will it take to build?

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this complex might take months or even-

[Time skips.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Ah, there we are. One gravity pump. Powerful enough to move the stars themselves. Now to begin the arduous task of attaching it to the ship so th-

[Time skips. The Planet Express ship is taking off with the gravity pump attached.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Off you go, apparently.

Fry: Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.

Prof. Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?

Prof. Farnsworth: At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday, by Wednesday it will be August, and by Thursday it will be the end of existence as we know it!

Leela: Fry, please try to understand: you're a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.

Leela: All right, cool your jets, hot shot.

Fry: Come on, Leela. Why won't you go out with me? We both know there's something there.

Leela: No, I mean cool your jets. You're melting Bender's face.

Linda: Time continues to skip forward randomly. Details at elev...

[time skips]

Linda: This is the News at Eleven. The mysterious and unexplained...

[time skips]

Linda: Turning to entertainment news, teen singer Wendy might just be the latest...

[time skips]

Linda: ...won three Grammys last night...

[time skips]

Linda: ...found dead in her bathtub.

Prof. Farnsworth: The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look.

Boy: Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?

[Time skip; the boy becomes a senior citizen]

Senior Citizen: I deserve free money!

[Fry walks to the window and presses his face against the glass. As the ship gets further away from the nebula Fry sees the stars around it form an "O" in a huge message that reads "I Love You, Leela".]

Fry: That's how I must have done it! I moved the stars themselves to write her a love note in the sky.

Leela: [on intercom] Detonation in three, two, one.

Fry: No!

[The doomsday device implodes and the nebula, the stars and Fry's message disappear. Fry stares at the empty void. Enter Leela and Bender]

Fry: Did you see it? Did you see it?

Bender: The explosion?

Fry: No, not the explosion!

Leela: Then what?

Fry: [quietly] Nothing.

I Dated a Robot[edit]

Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.

[Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins]

Clyde Smith: Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven! [wins again] A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in Hell!

Sebastian Cabot: No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane! [unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]

Clyde: There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!

Cabot: Why should I believe you, you're Hitler! [pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection is indeed Hitler]

Clyde: No! [turns to a woman sitting next to him] Eva Braun! Help me!

[The woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly. Clyde screams]

Bender: Eh, saw it coming.

Fry: How can you guys be so blasé? Here we are in the year three-hundred-or-so, yet you're just sitting around like it's the boring time I came from.

Prof. Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome, and boy bands roamed the earth?

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?

Prof. Farnsworth: No! Why would I know that?

Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.

Fry: Everything?

Leela: Except that.

[At the edge of the universe, Fry sees alternative versions of himself and his friends on the other side, dressed as cowboys]

Fry: Far out! So there really is an infinite number of universes?

Prof. Farnsworth: No, just the two.

Auctioneer: Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy? Sold! To the being of inconceivable horror!

Being of Inconceivable Horror: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! [pause] Will a money order be okay?

Auctioneer: Yes.

Being of Inconceivable Horror: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Fry: Oh, Lucy! You're just like I always thought you'd be from your movies.

Liubot: My personality is mathematically derived from my movies, proportionally weighted by box office receipts.

Fry: Aaawww... you say the CUTEST things!

Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you.

Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!

Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision... and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life.

Bender: What is the world coming to? That Fry is a sicko poivert, I tell ya! Dating a robot... it's an attrocimacy!

Leela: But Fry is our friend, Bender.

Bender: Ah, geez! Would you stifle there, meatbag?

Leela: You stifle, Bender!

Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! Finally, you're standing up to him.

Zapp Brannigan: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes!

Liubot: Oh, Fry, I love you more than the moon, the stars, the-POETIC IMAGE #36 NOT FOUND.

A Leela of Her Own[edit]

Bender: Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk!

Leela: How much did you make me?

Bender: One hundred dollars.

[Leela is signing autographs.]

Leela: Who am I making this out to?

Girl: Ummm…to eBay?

Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e", big "B"?

Leela: Oh, put down the binoculars, Fry. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one day.

Fry: I know, and I've grown to accept that.

Leela: I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.

Prof. Farnsworth: Cygnoids, in our block? Fie and foo! They should go back to where they came from!

Leela: Professor, please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.

Prof. Farnsworth: No.

[Leela makes a retching noise after sampling an alien's pizza]

Leela: I don't mean to offend, but this tastes like vomit.

Cygnoid Woman: Thank you.

Leela: No, actually, I did mean to offend a little. This is awful.

Prof. Farnsworth: Why is your number 7/8?

Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.

Fry: Look, the players who broke the various color barriers.

Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

A Pharaoh to Remember[edit]

Fry: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Bender, taken from us in the prime of life; when he was crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

Bender: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Prof. Farnsworth: Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.

Bender: It's what made me me.

Leela: Bender, we're trying our best.

Bender: Your best is an idiot!

Bender: Danny Boy?! You're at my funeral, singing about some stiff named Danny Boy? You really are a massive bonehead!

Zoidberg: I'm expressing my sorrow!

Bender: Get lost! I'd say don't quit your day job, but you're awful at that too!

Bender: You've convinced me life is worth living... by showing me how bad my funeral will suck!

[Bender storms out and the bouquet lands in Farnsworth's lap]

Amy: I know whose funeral we'll be attending next!

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, stop.

High Priest: People of Osiris 4, please welcome a man who started as a slave but worked his way up to Lord of All Creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender!

Bender: Citizens of Me! The cruelty of the old Pharaoh is a thing of the past. Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land.

Leela: Impressive. Who's building it?

Osiran: You.

Leela: Say again?

Osiran: You are now slaves of the great Pharaoh Hermenthotip. Guards!

[The guards grab the crew]

Fry: Call it a hunch but I've got a bad feeling about this.

Fry: You know what else sucks about being a slave? The hours.

High Priest: Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey.

Priests: [chanting] Free us from thought and responsibility.

High Priest: We shall read things off you.

Priests: [chanting] Then do them.

High Priest: Your words guide us.

Priests: [chanting] We're dumb.

Fry: You know what the worst thing about being a slave is? They make you work all day but they don't pay you or let you go.

Leela: That's the only thing about being a slave.

Osiran Slavemaster: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid building, space travel, and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.

Fry: Also, Wolfman.

Anthology of Interest II[edit]

Bender: Being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad. [sniffs]

Bender: Hey, my antenna's gone! [looks down] Nah, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it, though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little...

Fry: Bender, no! You'll make God cry!

Bender: Whoa, you look better than you used to for some reason.

Amy: You're not so bad yourself, big boy. [kisses Bender]

Bender: Hey that felt great! [kisses the Professor] Nah, it's not working anymore.

Farnsworth: Speak for yourself.

Wernstrom: When did he die?

Farnsworth: About twelve hours ago, when the party started.

Wernstrom: But he just said "Woo!"

Farnsworth: No, that was just air escaping from the folds of his fat. [pushes against Bender's fat]

Bender: Woo!

Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of Nintendu 64.

Fry: Hey, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey.

Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

Mario: Mamma Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!

General Colin Pac-Man: Quick to the escape tunnels!

[Fry and his friends follow Pac-Man into the Pac-Man maze "wakka wakkaing"]

Pac-Man: This way, dammit!

[Zoidberg eats Pac-Dots]

Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [A cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!

[Zoidberg eats cherry then charges towards Fry]

Fry: Hey! Watch out! [He gets eaten by Zoidberg]

Zoidberg: Uh oh.

Leela: Oh, my God. He ate Fry. Fry is dead!

[Fry walks behind them]

Fry: Its OK. I had another guy.

Pac-Man: Its working! Victory is assured! My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter.

[Pac-Man gets shot by a space invader, cause a chunk out of Pac-Man to fall off]

Pac-Man: [screams] I'm hit! [sobs] So cold!

[Pac-Man dies by folding up & disappearing as Ms. Pac-Man comes in]

Ms. Pac-Man: NOOOO!

Fry: Amy. Tend to the widow Pac-Man.

Ms. Pac-Man: [crying] Wakka wakka wakka!

Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot where I was going to be.

Leela: Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?

Leela: Why did you bring us here?

Dr. Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?

Farnsworth: What do you nice kids want?

Zoidberg: Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.

Farnsworth: Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.

Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there!

Roswell That Ends Well[edit]

Prof. Farnsworth: Your grandfather?! Stay away from him, you dim-witted monkey! You mustn't interfere with the past! Don't do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to do it, in which case for the love of God, don't not do it!

Prof. Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!

Fry: But existing is basically all I do!

Prof. Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela! Let's just steal the dish and get back to our own time.

Fry: But won't that change history?

Prof. Farnsworth: Oooh, a lesson in not changing history from "Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa"!

President Truman: Whistlin' Dixie! I want this sent to Area 51 for study.

General: But Sir, that's where we are building the fake moon landing site.

President Truman: Then we'll have to really land on the moon! Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!

Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll axe you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?

Salesman: Sir, your wife is hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.

Prof. Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news! You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.

[Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire]

Prof. Farnsworth: [to salesman] Women!

General: What's your purpose?

Zoidberg: Alright, officer, I'll move it along.

Military Official: What the general means is, why did you come to Earth?

Zoidberg: Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.

Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Bender: Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.

Fry: I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

Fry: She sure is pretty. You ought to marry her and father some children right away.

Enos: Yeah, folks say that. But did you ever get the feeling you're only going with girls 'cause you're supposed to?

Fry: What?! Don't ever, ever say or think that again!

Bender: [after Fry accidentally kills his grandfather] And you...are...outta here!

Prof. Farnsworth: What the hell have you done, Fry?

Fry: Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.

Prof. Farnsworth: Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!

Mildred: [wearing glasses and knitting] Come back to bed, deary.

Fry: [screams] It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?

Prof. Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious?

[Fry shakes his head.]

Prof. Farnsworth: You are!

Godfellas[edit]

Bender: You know, I was God once.

God Entity: Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died.

God Entity: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.

Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!

God Entity: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Leela: Look, I miss Bender almost half as much as you do, but you can't bring him back this way! It's hopeless!

Fry: You can't give up hope just because it is hopeless! You gotta hope even more, and cover your ears, and go: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"

Leela: Well, you obviously won't listen to reason... So I guess I'll listen to idioticness and come with you.

Bender: O' cruel fate, to be thusly boned! Ask not for whom the bone bones - it bones for thee.

Bender: That galaxy is signaling in binary. I should signal back, but I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. You speak English?

God Entity: I do now.

[Prof. Farnsworth is searching for Bender with his Smelloscope]

Leela: Anything yet, professor?

Prof. Farnsworth: I'm afraid the Smelloscope can't locate Bender. His fragrance is too mild. It's being overwhelmed by local sources.

[Everyone looks at Zoidberg]

Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me.

Bender: So do you know I'm going to do something before I do it?

God Entity: Yes.

Bender: What if I do something else?

God Entity: Then I don't know that.

Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.

Bender: Of course they go unheeded! How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?

Fry: Hmm...finding God. That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to find my lost friend Bender.

Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than... absolutely not! Sure, your loss is a tragedy, but our work...

Fry: Come on, you guys have forever to look for God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.

Monk #2: He speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.

Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A way of looking for God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!

Leela: Oh, no, the monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.

Fry: Do we have to? They're monks, after all. I'm sure their God will let them out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.

Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so Himself. Now, come on. If we don't free those monks, no one will.

Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do?

Father Changstein el Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer.

Fry: Uh-huh, but is there anything useful we can do?

Father Changstein el Gamahl: No.

Future Stock[edit]

Defrosted Neanderthal: As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I faced different challenges. [crying] The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum.

That Guy: There are two kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone who is a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?

Dr. Zoidberg: Errr, excuse me... which is the one people like to hug?

That Guy: Gutsy question. You're a shark.

Professor Farnsworth: I'll ruin you like I ruined this company!

Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?

Hermes: The shares were worthless, and he kept asking for toilet paper!

Professor Farnsworth: This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more of a source of cheap labour, like a family.

Hermes: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil! Ours is small and neutral!

That Guy: Switzerland is small and neutral! We're more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood!

Amy: Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?

Leela: We haven't made a single delivery since you took over!

That Guy: Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business!

Scruffy: Now hold on there. Scruffy votes his forty thousand shares for the mysterious stranger.

Leela: Forty thousand? How come you have four times as much stock as the rest of us?

Scruffy: Scruffy believes in this company. [Sniffles]

Leela: Oh my god! I'm a millionare! Suddenly I have an opinion on the capital gains tax!

That Guy: Hairgel?

Fry: No thanks. I make my own.

Mom: [Watching Fry moon her] You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button!

[Walt searches for the button]

Mom: Press any button! They all retaliate!

That Guy: Everyone's fired and we're out of business! [the Planet Express crew protest] I'm going to sell Planet Express to Mom, so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors!

Mom: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door!

Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.

[eats the old rotten sandwich in his hand]

Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, I'm ruined!

The 30% Iron Chef[edit]

[Dr. Zoidberg has broken the professor's ship-in-a-bottle.]

Dr. Zoidberg: Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg fixes it... then perhaps gifts!

Bender: I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up. Uhh... also, comes with double prize money.

Koji: Ironu... Cookuru!

Morbo: So, Elzar, what will you be cooking for Morbo to devour with his mighty jaws?

Elzar: Morbo, I'm gonna whip you up a nice, unnameable horror from beyond, with mango chutney.

Morbo: Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!

Helmut Spargle: [after tasting Bender's first meal] It is... acceptable.

Bender: Yahoo! Another thing I'm great at. Wait, why'd you stopped eating, master?

Helmut Spargle: Because, my stomach is about to explode.

Bender: If it's chicken, chicken a la king. If it's fish, fish a la king. If it's turkey, fish a la king.

Fry: Man, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings but this food actually tastes better as vomit!

Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to have my tongue removed?

Morbo: Welcome back. Our next guest has been teaching the world to cook for over 20 years. But apparently my, uh, wife hasn't been listening. I will destroy her!

Helmut Spargle: You don't understand. Without the distraction of taste, your mind is free to touch the Zen of pure flavor. You could become the greatest chef ever.

Bender: I could?

Helmut Spargle: Yes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer because he was deaf.

Bender: Or like how Rembrandt was blind and had wooden hands.

Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch[edit]

Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!

Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!

Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone who was invited is here.

Dr. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg.

Amy: Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.

Kif: Yes, I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC.

Amy: You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there, you could drop me off on the way!

Prof. Farnsworth: We could but we won't. It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine! If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome!

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.

Evil Lincoln: Real holographic simulated Evil Lincoln is BACK!

Kif: Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No Glove, No Love".

Leela: Wow, this is all so confusing.

Zapp Brannigan: Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? [crying] Stop testing our love!

Leela: There goes my DNA. What a disgusting and beautiful process.

Fry: That's birth for you.

Kif: Well, we've given them a great start, Amy. And in 20 years they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.

Amy: I'll be ready then.

Leela's Homeworld[edit]

Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy!

Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.

Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

Fry: Just remember that people care about you.

Leela: I know.

[They both look up at the stars.]

Leela: Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I look up at the sky and I get this feeling that somewhere, on some unknown planet, circling a distant star, my parents are up there, looking down on me.

[Pan down to a drain under Fry and Leela where from the sewers a pair of Cyclopses look up at Leela.]

Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste.

Fry: What does it taste like?

Hermes: Delicious fig pudding. Oh, that's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.

Hermes: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.

Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.

Prof. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Fry: Isn't there anything more you can tell me?

Warden Vogel: Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.

Fry: That is impossible, because my time is worthless.

[Leela emerges from the mutagenic lake with an octopus on her head]

Leela: The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here?

Octopus: It worked for me. I used to be a little blonde girl named Virginia.

Fry: Leela, don't shoot!

Leela: But they killed my parents!

Fry: Close!

[Fry removes the hoods from the mutants, revealing that they are in fact Cyclopses]

Leela: They are my parents!

Love and Rocket[edit]

[Bender and Planet Express Ship are arguing over using tax money to fund controversial art.]

Bender: Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers?

Planet Express Ship: Ugh, it's filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we're at it?!

Bender: Why not indeed?!

Leela: Bender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm going to come back there and change your opinions manually!

Planet Express Ship: I saw you at Elzar's with those two "ladies of the evening." Explain that.

Bender: Okay, I like a challenge. [thinks for a second] Ah! I got it. I'm going to be completely honest with you, Planet Express Ship. Those women you saw me with were my accountants.

Planet Express Ship: Your accountants? Oh, I would dearly love to believe that were true. So I will!

Gwen: Knowing which pickup lines fizzle, and which ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting edge of flirtation technology!

Robot Dummy A: Is heaven missing an angel? Because you've got nice cans!

(Test subject eyes dummy in annoyance)

Robot Dummy B: My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.

(Test subject brings the dummy into a deep embrace)

Leela: Does that dummy have a brother?

Ndnd: What is this emotion you humans call "wuv?"

Lrrr: Surely it says "love."

Ndnd: No, "wuv," with an earth w. Behold!

Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!

Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.

Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

Prof. Farnsworth: Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.

Leela: Check.

Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?

Ndnd: Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.

Planet Express Ship: Oh, honey, look! The tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pajama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?

Bender: Yep, mind-numbingly interesting.

Planet Express Ship: I'm afraid I can't do that, Leela.

Lucy Liu: [Inside Bender's compartment] Who are you talking to?

Bender: No one, baby. Lucy Liu is the only woman for Bender.

Lucy Liu: I love y... [Bender closes door on her]

Dr. Zoidberg: [voice-over] As the candy hearts poured into the fiery quasar, a wondrous thing happened, why not. They vaporized into a mystical love radiation that spread across the universe, destroying many, many planets, including two gangster planets and a cowboy world. But one planet was exactly the right distance to see the romantic rays but not be destroyed by them: Earth. So all over the world couples stood together in joy. And me, Zoidberg. And no one could have been happier unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!

Less Than Hero[edit]

Leela: Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor.

Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.

Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You'd think it would be something you'd have to freebase.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news anyone! The Swedish robot from Pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered.

Prof. Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody! The super-collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.

Leela: I'm getting a one-day pass for my parents from city hall.

Hermes: While you're there, can you get me a license to kill?

Leela: Sure. Fire arms of bare hands?

Hermes: Which one does piano wire fall under?

Fry: When you were a kid, what was your biggest fantasy?

Leela: To have parents.

Fry: Whatever. The correct answer is, to be a superhero!

[Fry and Leela test out their superpowers]

Leela: Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?

Fry: Hey, Zoidberg! Get in here!

Dr. Zoidberg: (fainly, from another room) Screw you!

Leela: Ain't got that.

Fry: Nope

Leela: We have to keep our secret identities secret!

Fry: From everybody?

Leela: Especially from everybody!

Fry: Give several reasons why.

A Taste of Freedom[edit]

Zoidberg: [While doing a Russian dance] Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy! Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy!

Fry: There's no denying it; the future's crazy. Oh, well. Don't want to stand out.

[Fry joins Zoidberg]

Fry and Zoidberg:Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy! Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Oy!

Zoidberg: There's nothing crazy about it! It's just freedom day! [Garbles like crazy]

Nixon's Head: In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms.

Fry: Anyone who laughs is a communist!

[Old Man Waterfall takes a stand against the Decapodian Mobile Oppression Palace.]

Old Man Waterfall: You can crush me but you can't crush my spirit!

[He is crushed.]

Old Man Waterfall: Aagh, my spirit! Urrgh!

Old Man Waterfall: That's right, I'm a polygamist.

Crowd: Boo!

[later]

Supreme justice: And, in a rare double-whammy, we also find polygamy to be constitutional.

Crowd: Boo!

Old Man Waterfall: I can't wait to tell my husband!

Crowd: (louder) Boo!

Fry: Wow! Nude hot-tubbing - that's all I need to hear about Freedom Day!

Dr. Zoidberg: Then consider the following lecture a bonus.

Richard Nixon's Head: My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening. We're free to chose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in. And if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a week with the Pain Monster.

The Pain Monster: See you April 15th, folks!

Leela: Dr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love freedom and then enslave humanity?

Dr. Zoidberg: Bah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until it learns what it is not to have freedom. It's a lesson, I say!

Leela: Cool your jowls, Nixon. You may not like it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a flag. You might even find the image of it festering in his bowels somehow offensive. But the right to Freedom of Expression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution!

Richard Nixon's head: Is that so? Well, I happen to know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat!

[Cut to the U.S. Supreme Court]

Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV[edit]

Leela: As unclean as it makes me feel, I agree with Bender. Kids don't turn rotten just because of what they see on TV.

Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

Announcer: [on TV] We now join America's most popular show already in progress, Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.

[The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except sit, hypnotising his audience]

Fry: This show's been going downhill since season three.

Bender: Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?

Bender: I got ants in my butt, and I needs to strut!

[Cubert and Dwight have been watching Bender on television]

Cubert: Hey dad, bite my shiny metal ass!

Professor: What?! Such an action would be extremely uncomfortable for both of us!

Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!

Fry: Yay, Bender!

Leela: We demand Bender!

Calculon: However, you've got the job.

Prof. Farnsworth: Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.

Hermes: That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.

Fry: What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.

Dr. Zoidberg: That was uncanny.

Leela: Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There are a lot of professional child robots here.

Fry: Look, there's Macaulay Cul-kon.

Leela: He's just not cute since he had puberty installed.

Hermes: Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.

Cubert: What was it?

Prof. Farnsworth: Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.

Dwight: So, should we turn it off now?

Prof. Farnsworth: Well, uh, that depends what's on.

Fry: Nothing good.

Prof. Farnsworth: Ah, let's just keep watching.

Jurassic Bark[edit]

Fry: Wow. They discovered an intact 20th century pizzeria. Just like the one I used to work at.

Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.

Fry: You can see how I lived before I met you.

Bender: You lived before you met me?!

Fry: Yeah, lots of people did.

Bender: Really?!

Crowd: What do we want?

Fry: Fry's dog!

Crowd: When do we want it?

Fry: Fry's dog!

Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you.

Bender: That's impossible!

Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy commencing two hour yipping session.

[Robo-Puppy does so. Bender, frustrated, kicks it across the room where it hits the wall and falls to the ground]

Robo-Puppy: [as a siren begins to wail out] Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!

Bender: Fry, what's wrong?

Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.

Bender: But that's a good thing. "Walkin' On Sunshine" sucks noodles.

Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him... I'll never forget him...

[He picks up the fossil and looks into its apparent eyes]

Fry: But he forgot me a long, long time ago...

[He kisses his dog on the head, places him on the broken machine, casts a last look of good-bye, and leaves]

Fry: I have a pizza here for Seymour Asses.

Man: There isn't anybody by that name here. Or anywhere. I hope in time you realize how stupid you are.

Fry: I wouldn't count on it.

Leela: Acting like a moron won't solve anything.

Fry: Then all hope is lost!

Bender: Robo-Puppy, lick my cheek.

Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek. (It's tongue comes out) Robo-Puppy commencing cheek-licking. Licking in progress. Licking complete.

Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature... because I love you... not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, and a human loves a dog, and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty

Crimes of the Hot[edit]

Al Gore: My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book "Earth in the Balance," and the much more popular "Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth," we need to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards.

Dark Wizard in the Audience: Sure, blame the wizards!

Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips.

Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.

Morbo: WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!

Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm!

Truck: Calling all scientists, calling all scientists!

Scientist: I've got a degree in homeopathic healing!

Truck: You've got a degree in baloney! [sprays him with water]

Prof. Farnsworth: A billion robots' lives are going to be extinguished! Ooh, the Jedis are going to feel this one...

Bender: Look, I love life and all its pleasures as much as anyone...except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot! But we need to be shut off... especially you, Hedonism Bot!

Hedonism Bot: I apologize for nothing!

Randy: They called me crazy for building this ark.

Randy's Partner: You ARE crazy. You filled it with same sex animal couples.

Randy: Hey, there are parts of the Bible I like and parts I don't like.

Fry: Oh, my God! It's out of ice, like some outer space Motel 6!

Leela: Completely out of ice?

Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daiquiri as we know it! Also, life.

Wernstrom: Per your orders, I modified my mirror to fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse at the Galapagos. Every robot will be instantly and painfully terminated. Now for your part of the bargain.

Richard Nixon's head: Aroo! Very well. Agnew, you belong to Wernstrom now.

Headless body of Spiro Agnew: Rrrrrrr!

Richard Nixon's head: For saving Earth and foiling me, I proudly yet angrily present you with our new highest honor: the Polluting Medal of Pollution.

Linda: With Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth is experiencing a sudden case of global warming.

Morbo: Morbo is pleased but sticky.

Dr. Zoidberg: Strange. Why would Nixon, an awkward, uncomfortable man, suddenly throw a party, one of the most social events imaginable? Is a trap, is why! They're going to deactivate all the robots! [pause] I don't hear any gasping.

Leela: We all figured that out.

Dr. Zoidberg: Aw...

Documentary Narrator: Fortunately, our handsomest politicians came up with a cheap, last minute way to combat global warming. Ever since 2063, we simply drop a giant ice cube into the ocean now and again.

Suzie: Just like daddy puts in his drink every morning. Then he gets mad.

Documentary Narrator: Of course, because the greenhouse gasses are still building up, it takes more and more ice each time, thus solving the problem once and for all.

Suzie: But...

Documentary Narrator: Once and for all!

Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.

Professor Farnsworth: But I like being old. I don't have to talk to my parents, no one asks me to help move their stuff, I don't need to understand today's "edgy" TV sitcoms

Professor Farnsworth: Fifty-three years old? Oh... now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultraporn!

Professor Farnsworth: With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!

[While looking for the gargoyle Pazuzu, Farnsworth stops at a diner in Florida]

Bender: Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?

Professor Farnsworth: It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.

Fry: What about your gargoyle?

Professor Farnsworth: The wha?

Mandy: So this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer?

Fry: They're onto me.

Fry: We miss the turn. We'll never catch up.

Leela: Yes we will. This pipe goes under Planet Express, and it's 9:00 PM.

[cut to Planet Express; toilet flushes]

Professor Farnsworth: The devil take this predictable colon!

Morris: Let's all have some tequila to celebrate!

Leela: Dad, I'm underage!

Morris: Oh, right. Here's a silly straw.

[after Leela refuses the treatment to restore her age]

Fry: Bye Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.

Leela: [whispering] Bring beer.

Morris: No beer until you finish your tequila!

Heather: Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh! You sound just like my tennis instructor!

The Why of Fry[edit]

Fry: But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.

Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.

Ken: You are the last hope of the universe.

Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?

Ken: Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.

Fry: There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.

Big Brain: Detecting trace amounts of mental activity, possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer.

Ken: Does he not know?

Nibbler: He does not know.

Fiona: He knows not?

Nibbler: Knows not does he.

Male Nibblonian 2: Not he knows?

Ken: Enough!

Leela: We're back from the mission!

Fry: Wh-What? You went without me?

Bender: You were looking up curse words in the dictionary. It seemed like a better use of your time.

Fry: But- But I'm the delivery boy.

Leela: Don't worry. Everything went fine.

Bender: Better than usual!

Leela: We got medals!

Nibbler: I hereby place an order for one cheese pizza.

Mr. Panucci: One pie, nothing good on it. Name?

Nibbler: I period C period Weinner.

Nibbler: Do you remember some months ago when the Earth was under attack by flying brains?

Fry: Hmmm. I remember the square-dancing stomachs, but that might have been a Mylanta commercial.

Nibbler: Well now it's your choice. Is there nothing in the future worth saving?

Fry: Hm. Leela. But she doesn't think much of me.

Nibbler: Ah, she must be The Other.

Fry: What?

[The chair starts to tip back and Fry holds the leg.]

Nibbler: You must not give up on her. I am stationed on a distant world known as Vergon 6. But, if you return to the future, I will transfer to Earth to give you what help I can.

Fry: You really think I would have had a chance with Leela?

Nibbler: You must choose: The present or the future? To save yourself or to save Leela.

Crowd: ...One!

[Past Fry leans back on his chair and blows his noise maker. Future Fry blows the chair and Past Fry tumbles back into the cryo-tube which freezes him.]

[The brains have told Fry to see what happened the night he was frozen.]

Fry: What happened to me, Philip J. Fry, on December 31, 1999?

Huge Brain: Clarification request! Are you the Philip J. Fry from Earth, or the Philip J. Fry from Hovering Squid World 97-A?

Big Brain: Earth, you fat idiot!

Leela: You may not be the most important person in the universe, but I'm really glad to see you right now.

Fry: Then I am the most important person in the universe.

[Leela kisses him]

Fry: Yes!

Where No Fan Has Gone Before[edit]

Leonard Nimoy: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.

William Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much.

Walter Koenig: When we woke up, we had these bodies.

Fry: Say it in Russian!

Walter Koenig: [sigh] Ven ve voke up, ve had zese wodies.

Fry: Eeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels"!

Walter Koenig: No!

Fry: [after Welshy gets electrocuted by Melllvar] WELLLLSHIEEEEEEEEE!

William Shatner: I have an idea! Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?

Leonard Nimoy: You mean Doohan?

(both men giggle and snicker and follow up with a high-five)

Fry: Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor.

Walter Koenig: Not just an actor, but a well-rounded person. With my own friends and credit cards and keys.

Star Trek Priest: ...And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship, where there would be no tribble at all.

[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]

Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?

Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.

[Fry beeps once]

Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?

[Fry beeps twice]

Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.

[Leonard Nimoy is introducing the cast of Star Trek]

Leonard Nimoy: Nichelle, George, Walter, DeForest, Welshie...

Fry: "Welshie"?

Nichelle Nichols: We did some musical reunion specials in the 22-hundreds, but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.

William Shatner: [Singing in his trademark style] I'm Slim Shady. Yes, I'm the real Slim Shady. All you other Slim Shadies are immitatin'. So, would the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up.

Walter Koenig: How can anyone do a spoken word version of a rap song?

Melllvar: He found a way.

[Leela is now in the Captain Pike-style life-support machine]

Zapp Brannigan: The court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.

Leela: Go [beep] yourself.

Fry: I am literally angry with rage!

George Takei: You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.

Zapp Brannigan: You mean the mass migration of Star Wars fans?

Nichelle Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek.

Leela: For 100 Quatloos, who did the Captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?

William Shatner: KHAAAAAAAAAAN!

Fry: Uh... Khan?

Leela: Correct.

The Sting[edit]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.

Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?

Hermes: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bender: It's not small?

Hermes: No, no, no.

Leela: Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die.

Leela: [crying] It's all my fault! He died because of me!

Farnsworth: [comforting] No, no, no, no, no, no. [shouting to Bender] I'm lying to make her feel better!

[Leela cries harder.]

[At Fry's funeral, Hermes lights a piece of paper up and puts it on Fry's coffin]

LaBarabra Conrad: Husband, can't you go anywhere without lighting something up?

Hermes Conrad: It's an old Jamaican accounting tradition: we burn his timecard. That way, his zombie doesn't come back looking for his final pay check.

Father Changstein-El-Gamal: I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.

Hermes: Soothe us with sweet lies.

Father Changstein: It may comfort you to know that Fry's death took only fifteen seconds, yet the pain was so intense, that it felt to him like fifteen years. And it goes without saying, it caused him to empty his bowels.

[Everyone gasps]

Bender: All those times I said "Kill all humans," I'd always whisper "except one". Fry was that one. [sobbing] And I never told him so!

Leela: That proves it! Fry is alive somewhere and he's reaching me in my dreams!

Prof. Farnsworth: Bull-pies!

Leela: [Is lying on a table her head lying in a box] Is this some sort of brain scanner?

Prof. Farnsworth: Some sort, yes. In France, it's called a guillotine! [Pulls a lever]

Leela: AAGH! [Gets off the table just as the knife flies down and slices the box in half] Professor! Can't you examine my brain without removing it?

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes...very easily. [waves a device over Leela's head]

Leela: Maybe I am freaking out a little.

Bender: A little? You're screwier than my Aunt Rita. And she's a screw!

Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!

Bend Her[edit]

Bender: Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.

Bender: Professor, make a woman out of me.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

Professor Farnsworth: You've fallen into the final debilitating stages of womanhood.

Olympics Commentator: Barbados Slim takes an early lead. God, I hope he wins. What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap. He's limbo-ed out of retirement and straight into my heart. I say go to hell, Barbados Slim!

Bender: My dreams are over before they began!

Dr. Zoidberg: [happily] Welcome to my life! [starts crying]

Bender: Something tells me I could easily beat those trained professionals...

Bender: This outfit makes me look fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?

Prof. Farnsworth: Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes. [Uses a hammer and a chisel on Bender]

Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals.

Bender: [Soft voice] It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.

Prof. Farnsworth: Almost done...

Bender: [Continuing in a soft voice] If only somehow, some way...he and I could drive to Vegas pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!

Fry: Yay, my buddy's home!

Obsoletely Fabulous[edit]

Speaker: Presenting the woman who "Mom"-opolizes the robot industry...

Fry: I get it!

Speaker: MOM!

Fry: Ohhh, now I get it!

Prof. Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot has Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.

Prof. Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!

Prof. Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you!

Prof. Farnsworth: Wernstrom!

[They fight]

Farnsworth Killbot: Such senseless violence.

Wernstrom Killbot: Come on, let's go for a paddle-boat ride.

Bender: [downgraded to wood] Behold, my hand crafted glory! The technological world can bite my splintery, wooden ass!

Bender: A working cartridge unit? You guys went obsolete years ago.

Cartridge Unit: [inserts "snappy comeback" cartridge] Your mother.

Bender: I'm sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.

Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also, we're dying!

Bender: Robot 1-X, save my friends! And Zoidberg!

The Farnsworth Parabox[edit]

[caught in the middle of an experiment gone spectacularly wrong]

Professor Farnsworth: Oh Lordy Lou, HELP! Buddha, Zeus, God! One of you guys do something! Help! Satan, you owe me!

Professor Farnsworth: Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

Bender-1: Bite my glorious golden ass!

Leela: Uh, have you robot versions of you guys seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?

Robo Fry: NEGATIVE. WILL-YOU-GO-OUT-WITH-ME.

Leela: Uh, ACCESS-DENIED.

Robo Fry: (head explodes)

Prof. Farnsworth-1: It's the Apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.

Leela-1: Fine, you be crummy Universe "A", and we'll be Universe "1".

Fry-1: Yeah, or the Mongooses, that's a good team name. "The Fighting Mongooses."

Hermes-A: Like my grammy always said, if you want a box hurled into the sun, you got to do it yourself. God rest her zombie bones...

Bender-1: This is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me. I do my best, dammit!

[In a hippe-like universe]

Prof. Farnsworth-420: Dig it! All you fitting in this box is like seriously freaked up!

Prof. Farnsworth-1: Nonsense, there's a whole universe in there.

Prof. Farnsworth-420: Dude, there's a universe in all of us.

Amy-420: Right on, Professor Freaksworth!

[Prof. Farnsworth-420 trys to give Farnsworth-A a flower.]

Prof. Farnsworth-A: Get a job!

Prof. Farnsworth: There. That space-time eversion has given us their box and vice versa.

Leela: So, what you think you just explained to us is that–

Prof. Farnsworth: Correct! This box contains our own universe.

[In Universe XVII, a Roman Empire-like universe]

Bender-1: Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe! [He opens his chest cabinet and pulls out a crock o' gold.]

Bender-A: Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine ... if you haven't seen Pirate Universe! [He pulls out a treasure chest.]

Bender-1: Faith and begorra!

Prof. Farnsworth XVII: Quae?

Amy-1: Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?

Hermes-25: We didn't see anything ...

[Leela-25, Hermes-25 and Fry-25 turn around. They have no eyes.]

Hermes-25: ... ever!

Three Hundred Big Boys[edit]

Hermes: With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!

[Morbo's wife is adjusting his tie.]

Morbo: Stop it, stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you!

Bender: You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy. You been up all night?

Fry: Of course I've been up all night! Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee. I need a nap. [snores and then wakes up] Coffee time!

Bender: [Gets cigar out] Ah, mighty fine smokable...

Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already? Puff, puff, go, go, go, go, go!

Bender: What to do, what to do. One 300 dollar hookerbot or 300 one dollar hookerbots?

Richard Nixon's Head: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!

[In the credits]

Roseanne Barr: Futurama: Noun. Definition: Oh, I don't know. You just watched it, dummy. What are you asking me for? Here's a fun definition. Idiot: Noun. You! This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.

Hermes: Dwight, the boots only cost me 299 dollars and 99 cents. Here, you spend the penny on whatever you want.

Dwight: Thanks, dad. I think I'll invest it on five shares of .

Hermes: A risk taker. That's my boy.

Zapp Brannigan: The Spiderians, though weak and woman-like on the battlefield, are masters of the textile arts. Taste like king crab, by the way. Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest while I was still killing them.

Leela: I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu.

Whale Biologist: Well, you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist. Though personally I hate whales. Especially Mushu.

Spanish Fry[edit]

Porno-dealing Lizard: I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later.

Planet Express crew: Eew!

Porno-dealing Lizard: Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?

Ndnd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs.

Lrrr: She also liked to shut up.

Fry: We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.

Farnsworth: Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.

Fry: Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.

Dr. Zoidberg: Why?

Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.

Dr. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that.

[Zoidberg begins crying and hugs Leela. She breaks off from him]

Leela: Enough with the emotions. This isn't a fat camp.

Lrrr: One of these days, Ndnd - bang, zoom, straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!

Professor Farnsworth: Fry, what in Sega Genesis happened?

Fry: Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn-

Bender: I'll say! Wooooo!

Fry: But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good.

Bender: That's what she said! Wooooo!

Lrrr: Mmm, this jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.

Bender: It's used to it. Woooo!

Fry: Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out!

Bender: (Off screen) Just like at the movie theater! Woooo!

Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small-

Bender: [off-screen] In this case "small"! Wooooo!

Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn.

Bender: As usual! Wooooo!

[In the end credits.]

Narrator: You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door.

[In a lab, a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]

Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all.

[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door in it opens. A human male emerges from the smoke.]

Man: It turns out it's Man

[Dramatic incidental music.]

The Devil's Hands are Idle Playthings[edit]

Robot Devil: This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack subtlety. You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry!

Hedonismbot: Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the opera!

Fry: But I can't play anymore!

Zoidberg: Yes you can! The music was in your heart, not your hands!

[Fry begins playing off-key and the audience starts booing.]

Zoidberg: Your music is bad and you should feel bad!

Leela: Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?

Fry: At, uh, uh, a concert.

Leela: Ooh, was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.

Bender: So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?

Leela: Yeah, it's weird; Sean was uneducated, unambitious. He was pasty and hunched-

Fry: [quietly] Pretty boy...

Leela: But when he played I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul. Then one day I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.

Fry: That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch. If I could just learn to play this stupid thing.

Bender: Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by "devil", I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically", I mean get your coat.

[Robot Devil interrupts Fry's opera]

Fry: Look, what do you want?

Robot Devil: I want my hands back.

Fry: Never!

[Singing] A deal's a deal, even with a dirty dealer.

Robot Devil: Very well,

Then I'll take what I want from Leela.

[The spotlight moves from the stage to Leela. The Robot Devil extends his arms and pulls her from her seat onto the stage.]

Robot Devil: Leela has promised me her hand.

Leela: Fry, you do not understand.

[The music slows down and the spotlight narrows as Leela walks across the stage.]

I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender, the shame, the shame,

But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendor,

Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender,

He gave me mechanical ears, effective though just a bit garish,

In return without shedding a tear, I agreed that I'd give him my hand—

Robot Devil: In marriage!

Leela: What?

Robot Devil: You'd give me your hand in marriage. [He gets down on one knee. The audience watches.]

Hermes: Is this really happening or just being staged?

Farnsworth: It can't be real—

Amy: Not if Leela is engaged.

Leela: That isn't what I meant, that isn't what I signed.

Robot Devil: You should have checked the wording in my fine...Print.

Leela: "I'll give you my hand..."

Leela and Robot Devil: "In marriage."

[In the audience, Bender reads from a dictionary.]

Bender: "The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention",

Now...that...IS "irony".

[The Robot Devil pulls Preacherbot out of his seat and onto the stage.]

Robot Devil: I will marry her now and confine her to hell, how droll, how droll!

Where Styx is a river, and not just a band,

Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned,

Unless, Fry, you surrender my hands!

[Fry looks at the hands on his wrists. The spotlight narrows over him.]

Fry: Destiny has cheated me,

By forcing me to decide upon,

The woman that I idolize,

Or the hands of an automaton,

Without these hands I can't complete,

The opera that was captivating her,

But if I keep them, and she marries him,

Then he probably won't want me dating her...

[The audience applauds and cheers.]

Richard Nixon's Head: Arooo!

Zapp Brannigan: Bray-vo! Enn-core!

Farnsworth: I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.

Dr. Zoidberg: I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!

Preacherbot: By the power vested in me, by the state of New New York—

Fry: No! Stop! Take my hands! You evil, metal dork!

Leela: Please don't stop playing, Fry. I wanna hear how it ends.

Rebirth[edit]

[The Hypnotoad is shown on screen.]

Bender: [Voice over.] On the count of three, you will awaken feeling refreshed, as if Futurama had never been cancelled by idiots and then brought back by bigger idiots. One... two... [Snaps fingers.]

Fry: Well, why is... those things?

Prof. Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?

Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead.

Zapp Brannigan: Fire all weapons and set a transmission frequency for my victory yodel.

Hermes: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!

Prof. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel

Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel, and we're on it now.

Prof. Farnsworth: Yet thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I surblibed with only tirbial brain dablige.

Professor Farnsworth: Prepare for rebirth! [Pulls down a big switch and gets shocked by lightning. He then pulls the switch back up] Wrong switch. [walks over to a light switch and turns it on]

Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?

Professor Farnsworth: In your time, yes, but nowadays—[angrily] shut up! [Calmer] Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.

Bender: Who are you, my warranty?

Bender: Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma chameleon!

[Fry builds a robot, and puts two eyes on it.]

Fry: Nah. [One of the eyes fall off.] Now that I like for some reason.

[At a dance studio a dance-party is interrupted by Bender; in a white dancing suit partying to work off his excess energy]

Bender: Yeah! Do the Bender! Do the Bender!

Guy in crowd: [Uninterestedly] No thank you.

Bender: [Threateningly] I SAID "DO IT!"

[Guy in crowd backs up from Bender in fear]

Leela Leela: There's no room for two captain's butts in this chair!

Robot Leela: There would be if you'd have taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma!

In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela[edit]

Fry: Does anybody else feel jealous and aroused and worried?

Bender: I haven't felt much of anything since my guinea pig died.

Zoidberg: Who's brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere?

Zapp Brannigan: My god, we're defenceless. Like fish in a barrel.

Richard Nixon's Head: Options?

Zapp Brannigan: My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.

Leela: This is it. The moment we should have trained for.

Zapp Brannigan: Mr. President, what the hell?

Prof. Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this V-GINY.

Zapp Brannigan: I surrender and volunteer for treason!

Zapp Brannigan: V-GINY? Doesn't ring a bell.

Fry: Granted, all that makes perfect sense, but why is this death sphere destroying planets?

Prof. Farnsworth: That makes the most sense of all.

[Farnsworth puts up a projection of planets destroyed by the death sphere.]

Prof. Farnsworth: Look at the planets it's destroyed so far. First came X3, the nude beach planet. Then Poopiter.

[A planet labelled "#! €$!#%&" comes on screen.]

Prof. Farnsworth: And finally that world that can't be mentioned in polite company.

Fry: You mean...

[Fry whispers something to Farnsworth and the crew get angry at him for doing so. Farnsworth slaps Fry.]

Hermes: [to Farnsworth] So you're saying this thing is censoring indecent planets?

Prof. Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.

Amy: [Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?

Leela: Come, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit.

Zapp Brannigan: Thee will be done.

[as Leela and Zapp have sex]

Fry: For God's sake! Censor it! Censor it!

V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!

Fry: Nooooo!

Attack of the Killer App[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: These old doomsday devices are dangerously unstable. I'll rest easier not knowing where they are.

Leela: So long, overly-complicated Japanese toilet!

Toilet: Please, not throw away. I give you, uh, happy poopy time!

Fry: Sorry, you know too much.

Clerk: Okay, it's $500, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can't hold the charge and the reception isn't very…

Fry: Shut up and take my money!

Bender: This looks like a good place to ditch some evidence. [Opens bin and finds Flexo inside] Flexo! What are you doing in a hazardous waste bin?

Flexo: Didn't you hear? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun...[Bender closes bin]

Professor Farnsworth: Who are you talking to?

Bender: No one. Your momma. Shut up. Take your pick.

Scoop Chang: Isn't all this e-waste dangerous?

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Not at all, Scoop! Not after it's hauled off to the Third World by a team of expendable, minimum wage nobodies!

Professor Farnsworth: [Turns to the crew.] Good news, nobodies!

Fry: That was low, Bender, even by your standards.

Bender: My what, now?

Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?

Bender: August 6, 1991.

Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.

Dr. Ben Beeler: The new eyePhone has an app for that!

Bender: Does it have an app for kissing my shiny metal ass?

Dr. Ben Beeler: Several!

Infosiquito: This guy sure loves porno!

Proposition Infinity[edit]

Hermes: When the lights go out, it's nobody's business what goes on between two consenting adults.

Zoidberg: Or one!

Reverand Lionel Preacherbot: The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.

Prof. Farnsworth: Back when I was full of piss and vinegar and my bed wasn't, I fell in love with the sweetest girl ever to skip though a field of posies.

Bender: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... Oops! Sorry, force of habit. I support this proposition because I'm in love with a goopy, flesh-and-blood woman, and not surprisingly, she loves me. This is a simple matter of justice, which I'm not normally for. So please, vote yes. After all, our love isn't any different than yours, except it's hotter, 'cause I'm involved.

George Takei's Head: I haven't heard a speech this eloquent since Bill Shatner told me why he couldn't pay me back.

Bender: We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!

Hermes: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!

Amy: We're talking about robosexual marriage.

Hermes: We're talking about lots of stuff.

Amy: Why do you have to be so mean to me?

Bender: Shut up, baby. You love it.

Amy: Don't tell me to shut up! You know what happened to the last guy that told me to shut up?

Bender: What?

[Cut to Amy and Bender in bed]

Amy: That was great.

Bender: Shut up.

The Duh-Vinci Code[edit]

Fry: Hey, I'm beginning to think you guys don't think I'm very smart.

Prof. Farnsworth: You can barely remember your own name, Einstein.

Fry: Einstein is a hard name to remember!

[The Professor sighs, and pokes Fry in the eyes with a double fing-longer.]

Fry: Ow!

Amy: Shmesh, Professor. Don't have a shmaneurism. Fry's your distant relative.

Prof. Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle if I'm this monkey's nephew.

Fry: But you're my only family. Who will hug me if I achieve something?

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, perhaps I've been too harsh. Come, lad, take my hand and I'll explain why I find you so repugnant.

Fry: I was in the hospital two weeks. No one visited me.

Prof. Farnsworth: Quiet, you. I'm trying to deduce the function of Da Vinci's lost invention.

Fry: Not even a card.

Prof. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.

Hermes: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?

Prof. Farnsworth: To the ship!

Prof. Farnsworth: My God! DaVinci's Vitruvian Man!

Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Professor Farnsworth: I hate these nerds. Just because I'm stupider than them they think they're smarter than me.

Lethal Inspection[edit]

Bender: Dying sucks butt. How do you living beings cope with mortality?

Leela: Violent outbursts.

Amy: General sluttiness.

Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Bender: Anything less than immortality is a complete waste of time!

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, I fear I may not survive this war re-enactment. I can't believe we're only 12 feet from the parking lot.

Fry: [Laughing.] This is every bit as fun as the real civil war.

Leela: Not the Civil War, private. We're re-enacting the Sith-il War.

Fry: Sith? What the hoth?

Darth Trocious: I shall rip out your heart and show it to you! [Taps Scruffy with toy lightsaber] It is done.

Scruffy: [lies down] The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Mmm-hmm.

Bender: [Exits phone booth.] Well, things are startin' to look up.

Hermes: Look up! [Missile explodes.] Who did you call? Dial-a-bomb?

Hermes: They have phones in booths now? Finally! I don't have to lug this cell phone around.

Bender: Aw, shoot!

Killbot 1: Someone said "shoot!"

[Killbots 1 and 3 shoot at Killbot 2 and 2 explodes]

Killbot 1: We're gonna get fired.

Killbot 2: Someone said "fire!"

[Gunfire kills killbot 1 then killbot 2 is killed by the tunnel.]

Killbot 2: Cease fire. Mom called off the attack, although I don't see how it's her-

Killbot 3: Someone said "howitzer!"

[Killbots 1 and 3 start firing on the middle killbot, eventually blowing themselves up.]

Bender: His ass-ias is gracias.

Hermes: Leela! What in the name of Jah happened?

Leela: Too much papers! Not enough hiding plants!

Fry: If you were really dead you wouldn't be laughing so hard.

Bender: Yeah, yeah. Death's a big deal to you fleshbags. But in case you didn't notice, I'm a robot.

Fry: So? What if something heavy fell on you? Like a church? You could still die.

Bender: Nuh uh! My wireless backup unit saves a copy of me every day. So, if my body gets killed, big whoop. I just download into another body. I'm immortal, baby.

Amy: What? Then how come you always scream so much when you're in danger?

Bender: I never said I wasn't a drama queen.

The Late Philip J. Fry[edit]

Elzar: Weren't you the loser who got stood up at my other restaurant?

Leela: Shut up and bring me two dinners!

Fry: Hey, uh... What was the purpose of life, anyway?

Professor Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.

Bender: Mm-hm.

Fry: Sounds about right.

Farnsworth: You were late this morning. So you'll have to stay and test my latest invention.

[They walk over to a giant sheet covering something. He reveals a time travelling machine.]

Farnsworth: Behold! A time travelling machine!

[Fry and Bender gasp.]

Bender: Time? I can't go back there!

Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history. Or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.

Fry: I wouldn't wanna do that again.

Hedonism bot: Everywhere I looked there were piles of bodies. And then the explosion struck.

Farnsworth: I got a feeling this could be exactly the point in time we've been looking for.

[This future is entirely covered in a dead desert, covering as far as the eyes can see.]

Farnsworth: Nope.

[Farnsworth takes up a device that scans the area and turns up an X on its screen and buzzes.]

Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.

Fry: All in all, I had a pretty sweet life. How about we grab a six pack and watch the universe end.

Bender: That's what I basically do everyday.

In The year 252525:

In the year 105105,

If man is still alive,

If robot can survive,

They may find...

In the year 252525,

The backwards time machine still won't have arrived.

In all the world, there's only one technology,

A rusty sword for practicing proctology!

In a future year that ends with a twenty (351120),

A shlubby merman's gonna try to get chummy.

He may look like a watery wimp,

When in fact he's a bloodthirsty shrimp!

In the year 1000000&1/2,

Humankind is enslaved by giraffe.

Man must pay for all his misdeeds,

When the treetops are stripped of their leaves!

Whoa-oh!

Leela: I have to admit, I was afraid you wouldn't make it.

Fry: That was the old Fry. He's dead now.

That Darn Katz![edit]

Professor Katz: We shall now vote "yea" or "nay". Nay.

Wernstrom: Nay!

Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: Hell nay!

Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: The horse says: "doctorate denied".

Calculon: Catastrophe Beach Party – scene one. Cue disaster effects and, action!

[the entire studio gets flies through the air. The walls of the building fly off and the letters to the Hollywood Sign follow. A man screams while shooting away]

Calculon: Cut! That extra looked at the camera; we'll have to do it again.

Announcer: Cash, cash, cash! Too many bones and not enough cash? Sell your extra bones for cash! Ribs, skulls, spines, even certain little ear bones! The leg bone's connected to the... Cash Bone!

Leela: [Dresses cat in Nibbler's sailor suit] Admiral Cutiepaws reporting for duty... I mean, cutie!

Nibbler: My best friend died in that uniform.

Nibbler: Can we at least know what you're doing down there?

Prof. Farnsworth: We're certainly not building anything sinster, if that's what you mean. Come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself.

Amy: Professor Katz's last name is Katz. You think he has something to do with all these cats?

Nibbler: The conclusion is as inescapable as it is moronic. It's time we paid him a visit. [Hands Amy a pistol] And if he won't listen to us, perhaps he'll listen to Smith & Wesson. [Picks up large plasma cannon] Or perhaps Consolidated Headmelter.

Amy: So you call my thesis a fat sack of barf and then stole it?

Professor Katz: Welcome to academia.

Amy: I'm finally done with school! How's the job market?

Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: [Pointer lands on "dog"] Ruff!

Amy: Core magnetic field, 31 microteslas.

Prof. Farnsworth: Nice.

Amy: Temperature? Woah! The magma P.I. is 10,000 degrees Selleck!

Prof. Farnsworth: You've got a bright future, Amy. As sure as the Sun sets in the east.

Nibbler: Leela, it's time you and I had a talk.

Leela: A talk? You can't break up with me! You're my pet!

A Clockwork Origin[edit]

Ben Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of Hominids, generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth.

Prof. Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end.

Ben Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo!

[Farnsworth spits out his drink]

Dr Banjo: Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution.

[Banjo pulls a cord and a painting of Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.] Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation.

Prof. Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know how to handle bullies, just pretend like you're pathetic. [Brett Blob comes towards him and Cubert] Help! I'm scared. I wet myself, I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee. But what else is new!

Brett Blob: Hahaha the pee babies peed themselves! I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads.

Prof. Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men.

Hermes: And here's something. [Finds a fossilized dog] Uh-oh, it's another one of Fry's dogs.

Fry: Did you say something, Hermes?

Hermes: Nothing.

[Zoidberg and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile.]

Zoidberg: Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! What, too soon?

Cubert: I highly doubt a Jurassic Elaphrosaurus has access to neckwear.

Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke.

Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation.

Hermes: It's pizza time. [passes boxes to the rest of the crew.]

Amy: Ugh, pineapple?

[Everyone makes disgusted noises]

Hermes: So much for that.

The Prisoner of Benda[edit]

Amy: [in Farnsworth's body] Oh no! Can we switch back using four or more bodies?

Professor Farnsworth: [in Bender's body] I'm not sure. I'm afraid we need to use... MATH.

Linda: Tonight at 11...

Morbo: DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

[Washbucket, in Amy's body, appears at the door dressed in sexy lingerie]

Scruffy: Ms Wong?

Washbucket: No, Scruffy, I am Washbucket. I love you. Washbucket has always loved you!

[Scruffy and Washbucket kiss, but Scruffy pulls away.]

Scruffy: It's wrong, Washbucket. Oh, it would be sweet for a while. But in the back of our minds we'd know that I'm a man, and you're janitorial equipment.

Washbucket: In another city, we could be anyone we want.

Scruffy: Go. Go now, before I beg you to stay!

[Washbucket leaves]

Scruffy: [Sobs, then suddenly stops] Ayup.

Amy: I wasted my youth porking out.

Farnsworth: Yes, I remember. [He points to a picture of a fat Amy, captioned "2997 employee of the year".]

Amy: Would you please take that down? It's making me hungry.

Fry: So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I don't like her in the Professor's disgusting body.

Hermes: You do, don't you?

Fry: Of course, but I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?

Hermes: You could switch your mind into a gross, disgusting body, give her a toke of her own medicine.

Fry: Of course! But it would have to be a really disgusting body.

Zoidberg': Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuchus! [Opens his trousers to reveal barnacles on his buttocks]

Hermes: [to Fry] The long search is over.

Hermes: Sweet orca of Majorca! You make Fat Albert look like Normal Albert!

[Leela, in Farnsworth's body, and Fry, in Zoidberg's body, dine at Elzar's]

Leela: Oh, did my bodily infirmity embarrass you?

Fry: Not at all. It's just another thing that makes you a very special lady.

Leela: You mean, like my penis?

Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences[edit]

Ndnd: I demand the ancient ritual of Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or consequences!

Fry: Rrmmr-mr-fr-mrh or what?!

Fry: I don't want my comic picked apart by nerds. I'm taking it to a comic book convention.

Fry: So? What do you think of my comic?

Bender: Let me put it like this: After I leave here, I'm getting a memory enema.

Matt Groening's Head: I'm sure you're all excited to see the pilot for our new show.

David X. Cohen's Head: It's called Futurella. It takes place in the year 4000.

[Clip begins; suddenly a CANCELLED title card appears]

Matt Groening's Head: Boy, Fox has really streamlined the process.

Robot Moderator: Mr. Groening will now take questions. But, please, about Futurella and not The Simpsons. Yes, the robot standing on the small child?

Bender: I have a question! When are you going to make a second Simpson's Movie?

[Matt Groening's nameplate opens and fires a laser at Bender.]

Lrrr: I don't understand. Why are the humans still eating their soft pretzels instead of surrendering?

Leela: They're probably just waiting for Joss Whedon.

Lrrr: Joss Whedon's here? Wait a minute, you look familiar.

Leela: Yeah. You almost ate me once. I was in your mouth for five minutes.

Lrrr: Leela?

The Mutants Are Revolting[edit]

Bender: This calls for a party, baby! I'm ordering a hundred kegs, a hundred hookers, and a hundred Elvis impersonators who aren't above a little hooking, should the occasion arise!

Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: As long-time mutants ourselves, we support your righteous struggle, and will do anything we can for you.

Dwayne: Play "Whip It"!

Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: No. [to a band member] Play the other one.

Mrs. Astor: A Farnsworth, you say? Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Farnsworths have been in New New York for almost two hundred years.

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes, I have.

Zoidberg: Hooray! A happy ending for the rich people.

Dwayne: Are we not men now?

Mutated Mark Mothersbaugh: I'm 40% potato, but close enough.

Leela: Oh, Mom, Dad, I can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life in this hellhole. [She pauses as her parents look shocked.] I'm sorry.

Turanga Munda: It's okay, sweetie. Now that you're here, this hellhole feels more like a nice, regular hole.

Turanga Morris: What do ya say we go get some sewer coffee, sewer cake, and Safeway ice cream?

Fry: I'm so sorry I ratted you out, but, you know, after two weeks down here, I'll truly understand the plight of the mutant people.

Leela: How dare you? You wanna understand something? Look at that lake. One dip in that toxic muck and your DNA will be permanently mutated. You'll grow a camel hump or a Zoidberg face.

Zoidberg: Urgh!

The Futurama Holiday Spectacular[edit]

Amy: Something's wrong. It's way too quiet.

Fry: Like the deadly Prius.

Amy: Oh no! This could be the year without a Kwanza, like every year before 1966.

Professor: We have only one hope left, and as usual, it's Norwegian!

Bender: You know, I don't recall having done anything in a while, but I still feel I deserve a smoke.

Prof. Farnsworth: Good news! All these pine trees are fighting global warming by producing oxygen. Happy now, Gore?

Al Gore's Head: Yeah. But I'd be happier if I had a set of lungs.

Zoidberg: What's that loud, boring sound you'll hear when I stop talking?

Prof. Farnsworth: [gasps] It's an albino humping worm!

Fry: Why do they call it that?

[The ship begins to rock back and forth]

Prof. Farnsworth: Because it doesn't have any pigment.

Al Gore's Head: Don't worry, the Futurama crew will be back next year with new episodes, starring Bender, Leela, and me, Al Gore, as Captain Lance Starman.

Richard Nixon's Head: That's what my poll numbers need: Happy voters enjoying some holiday cheer.

Dick Cheney's Head: As your Vice President, I order you to steal that tree.

Bender: Do you not give a damn about the hallowed traditions of Robanukah?!

Hoschel: I reckon I do not. Anyways, Earth done run out of petroleum oil.

Al Gore's Head: I tried to warn you. [to Hoschel] One unit of free limitless solar power please.

[Hoschel steps out of the sun. He smiles when it reaches full power.]

Hoschel: That'll be... I dunno... ten bucks?

Al Gore's Head: Um, can you make change for a Nobel Prize?

Fry: Can someone please explain how you celebrate this crazy holiday? Preferably in song?

Robot Santa: [singing] It's the violentest season of the year.

Elf: Old Kringle-bot has come to spread some mugs of Xmas fear.

Robot Santa: Sugar-plummy visions will be dancing in your head

When I cane you from the comfort of my sled.

Leela: On Xmas Eve, we don our gay apparel,

Kevlar vests, asbestos stockings and a barrel.

Prof. Farnsworth': And if Grandma's Xmas fruitcake finally reaches critical mass,

It can be re-gifted straight to Santa's ass.

Robot Santa: But the ornamental armaments are merely superficial,

The tinsel and the trappings are just icing on the missile.

The one thing that you need to make your Xmas day splendiferous

Is a pine tree; a pine tree that's coniferous.

Planet Express crew: We have to have a pine tree as coniferous.

Robot Santa: [flies away] You're welcome.

Bender: I've placed instruments under your seats. Play 'em or I'll break 'em over your heads!

[Fry gets out a holophonor; the Professor, a fiddle; and Dr. Zoidberg, an accordion, and start playing klezmer music.]

Bender': [singing] Robanukah may sound as if it's Jewish,

But its ancient sounding customs are exceptionally newish.

So take a hearty swallow from your robo-kiddish cup,

Which will give me time to quickly make them up.

Hermes: Do you spin a dreidel made from clay?

Bender': Mine is called a droidel and it's rigged to make you pay.

Amy: Do you eat these yummy tin-wrapped chocolate coins?

Bender': Better!

We got fembots with illegal five-speed groins!

Shalom, Ruth and Esther!

Ruth: Why with the music so loud?

Esther: Would it kill him to turn up the heat a little in here?

Bender': But by far the most important thing is oil.

Leela: To keep the lamp light burning or to help the latkes broil?

Bender': No, we pour the holy lubricant out from the sacred vessel

Into this blessed pit so they can wrestle.

Planet Express crew: The extra made-up touch that makes Robanukah so special

Is the oil in which the nasty fembots wrestle.

[Hermes and LaBarbara provide backup on kalimba and drum respectively.]

Kwanzaa-bot: The seven basic principles that go to make up Kwanzaa!

So sit yo' asses down and have some knowledge dropped upons ya!

LaBarbara: Kujichagulia...

Barbados Slim and Bubblegum Tate: And umoja...

Hermes: And the rest.

Planet Express crew: Now we get it!

Kwanzaa-bot: Sit back down! There's gonna be a test.

My favorite's ujamaa.

Bubblegum Tate: Cooperative economics.

Kwanzaa-bot: [to Dwight] Yo, boondocks, I'm talkin' here! Put away the comics!

Ku'umba is another one, it stands for creativity.

Barbados Slim: Like the ever-changing nature of my sexual proclivities. [starts coming on to Zoidberg]

Kwanzaa-bot: I think there's one called "nia," but I don't speak Swahili,

Sumthin' 'bout a pine tree and a oil-wrestlin' dealy?

Prof. Farnsworth: That's from Xmas and Robanukah, you plagiarizing lout!

Kwanzaa-bot: Yeah, I'm kinda losin' interest here. I'd best be rollin' out.

But before I go, the most important thing...

Dwight: What's that, Black Santa?

Kwanzaa-bot: You need seven Kwanzaa candles that you light up every night.

But they best be made of beeswax or y'all might as well be white.

Planet Express crew: [writing on notepads] They must be made of beeswax or we might as well be white.

Neutopia[edit]

Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time.

Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n' Things!

Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture!

Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see.

Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? [stretches pants to check] Aggghhh! My wing-wang's gone!

Leela: My girls!

Bender: My antenna!

Hattie: My kajigger!

Zoidberg: My gonopores!

[slight pause in compilcation]

Zoidberg: Look it up.

Hermes: Give us back our genitals!

Rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them.

LaBarbara: Being human's not about being happy, it's about loving and fighting and that Rasta McNasty we were doing last night, ha ha. We want that back!

Fry: Never bet against me being stupid!

Leela: Well, it was a lot of hard work, but it beats posing in skimpy, demeaning outfits.

Prof. Farnsworth: Here are your skimpy, demeaning stewardress uniforms.

Hermes: Mmm, you're cooking me back fat bacon.

LaBarbara: That's not back fat bacon! That's your back fat bakin'!

Zapp Brannigan: I got your distress call and came here as soon as I wanted to.

Hermes: I've found a loophole. It says here that we can renew the mortgage for the building by actually paying it. All we need is... $11, 000, 000.

Bender: Aaand boned.

Benderama[edit]

Linda: Hey you! Good evening. Who you calling drunk? You're not drunk, I'm drunk!

Morbo: Tha's right Linda. Water is n... now booze and everyone's... titty much protally fitshaced.

Morbo: Our top story: All alcohol on Earth has mysteriously disappeared. Consequences are minimal, except among the most hardened alcoholics. Linda?

Linda: I can no longer face my children!

Hermes: You wanna see a picture of my boy?

Zoidberg: Sure. [Hermes presents photo] That's your penis!

Hermes: That's my bouy!

Amy: This chair is so comfortable. [She throws up]

Bender: Heh, heh. Classic Amy.

Hermes: You'll have to be respectful. This customer is fifty-feet tall and sensitive about his appearance.

Amy: Colossal tooth whitener, mega deodorant, humongous acne cream... Aw, and one regular-sized condom.

Bender: All that and a small wiener? This guy's got it goin' on.

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!

Fry: Like the Kardashians!

Prof. Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone! Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.

[A hologram of equation appear, everyone gasps in horror except Fry]

Fry: Don't wait for me.

Prof. Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent!

Fry: [alarmed] Oh, dip!

Unattractive Giant Monster: All I wanted was to apologize to you people! But now I have to kill you!

Bender: How, by making me look at you?

Unattractive Giant Monster: No, by making you look at... my momma! [Shows picture to Bender, who recoils in horror]

Bender: Augh! Your momma's so ugly!

Unattractive Giant Monster: I told you not to talk about my momma!

Bender: Legion of Benders, come unto me! We have one thing to do.

Bender clones: Screw that!

Bender: Oh, come on, you lazy jerks! If we all pitch in, we each only have to do one-quintillionth of a thing.

Bender clones: [sigh] All right.

Fry: Bender, you duuu.

Bender: No, we duuu.

Ghost in the Machines[edit]

Hermes: As you can see, since Bender's death, request to bite one shiny metal ass are down 98%.

[Scruffy uses Bender's compartment (with a leg in an arm plate) as a vacuum]

Hermes: Do you mind doing that later?

Scruffy: Bite my shiny metal ass.

[the line chart rises]

Robot Devil: You see, Bender, it's simple. You're a ghost!

Bender: A g-g-g-g-ghost?!

Robot Devil: No, just the regular kind.

Zoidberg: Hey, look, a fog is rolling in.

Hermes: No, that's just the Jamaican pride float.

Amy: Looks like it's speeding up.

Hermes: Oh, no! It's within munching distance of the Doritos float!

Mayor Poopenmeyer: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to associate myself with a true hero. Mr. Fry, allow me to present you with the keys to the city. This one's for the deadbolt, this is for the top lock... I think this one's for the knob. The city's in a bad neighborhood. Care to say a few words, son?

Fry: Uh... Heroes don't do drugs! Except for Drugman, I guess.

Hermes: Last time you went to the suicide booth, you ended up dating it for six months.

Leela: How is Lynn, by the way?

Bender: Livin' in Oregon with her crazy mother!

Fry: All I know is I've got a ghost that needs busting. [dials a number.]

Hermes: Who you gonna call?

Fry: Gho— [interrupted by a beep.]

Female voice: The number you have dialed has been lame since 1989.

Law and Oracle[edit]

Fry: Hello. I'd like to enroll in Police Academy.

Officer: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?

Fry: That's the plan.

Officer: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.

Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me.

Officer: Welcome to Police Academy. [both shake hands]

Officer URL: What's in the box Schrodinger?

Erwin Schrodinger: A cat, some poison and a caesium atom.

Fry: The cat, is it alive or dead? Alive or dead!?

Officer URL: Answer him fool.

Erwin Schrodinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function.

Fry: Says you. [Fry opens the box and a cat leaps out at him.]

Officer URL: There's also a lot of drugs in there.

The Silence of the Clamps[edit]

Prosecutor: Isn't it true, Mr. X, that you are slandering this innocent mafioso to distract from your own felonious past, including the crime you made up yourself called burglararsonlarsony?

Bender: That's a wholly owned trademark of Rodriguez Crime Concepts Inc.! Besides, I'm not on trial here.

Judge 724: That's true. You're on trial in courtroom 3. [presses button, wall spins Bender to another courtroom with a female version of 724]

Judge 802: You are charged with two counts of burglararsonlarsony. How do you plead?

Bender: Not innoguiltycent! [reaches, presses button, returning to 724's courtroom]

Clamps: Hey, scuttle on home. Dis ain't none of your business, slick.

Zoidberg: My name isn't Slick, it's Zoidberg. JOHN (beep)ing ZOIDBERG!

Billy West: Sorry mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West.

Fry: [laughs] "Billy West". What a stupid, phony, made up name.

Prof. Farnsworth: Who likes good news?

[the crew raise their hands]

Prof. Farnsworth: Everyone? Then, good news, everyone!

Yo Leela Leela[edit]

Warden Vogel: Sometimes you gotta choose between eating and reading, so they ate the books.

Leela: Thanks, guys, but lets realistic. We all know that any TV show that's even slightly good gets cancelled. Sometimes two or three times.

Lady Buggle: I'm as sad as an upside-down smile.

All the Presidents' Heads[edit]

Hermes: Well, it's 6o'clock. I guess we'll have to deliver that human heart tomorrow. Good work, people!

Bender: Woo-hoo! Time to go clubbing! [pulls out a baseball bat] Baby seals, here I come!

Franklin D. Roosevelt's Head: We have nothing to fear but running out of beer.

Hermes: So... You grow hemp?

Thomas Jefferson's head: Yes.

Hermes: And... You do what with it?

Thomas Jefferson's head: All manner of things. Manufacture paper, fabric, rope...

Hermes: Oh. Well, nice talking to you. [goes away.]

Thomas Jefferson's head: Why, I used to smoke about four feet of rope a day.

Hermes: [comes back] Let me give you my pager number.

Thomas Jefferson: Alexander Hamilton of New York, how say you?

Alexander Hamilton: Nay.

Thomas Jefferson: John Hancock and John Adams of Massachusetts?

John Adams: Yea.

John Hancock: Yea.

Thomas Jefferson: The yeas have it. Our nation's official joke state shall be New Jersey.

Prof. Farnsworth: Fry, you dope! You've really screwed the granny this time!

Möbius Dick[edit]

Amy: Oh no, I'm having a Serengeti Flashback! Die you stinkin' giraffe!

[The crew are taken into the fourth dimension by the Space Whale]

Hermes: I can see sideways in time! [reverse] !emit ni syawedis ees nac I

Amy: Gee, I see CGI! [reverse] !IGC ees I, eeG

Fry: Poop! Ha-ha-ha! [reverse] !ah-ah-ah !pooP

Bender: Aw, yeah!

Benders: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!

[The whale flies out of the fourth dimension]

Bender: A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Oh..! That was the greatest uncountably infinite bunch of guys I ever met.

Fry: Leela, I'm no medical expert, but I think you be showing some serious signs of 'illin.

Amy: You've gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News.

Hermes: Zoidberg was popular?!

Amy: Zoidberg had hair?!

Prof. Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you imagined it that way, that's your business!

Leela: Need I remind you that in space, the captain's word is law? I could marry Hermes with Bender against their will if I wanted to.

Hermes: [gasps] You wouldn't dare!

Bender: Eh, I've been married to worse.

Amy: Where are we?

Hermes: Inside the belly of the beast.

Fry: Like that guy in the Bible... Pinocchio!

Leela: All right, which one of you sea dogs has the guts and know-how to harpoon a whale?

Amy: I spent a semester in Africa hunting giraffes, and giraffes are basically land space whales.

Leela: Ms. Wong, you have the 'poon.

Fry Am the Egg Man[edit]

Amy: Jinkies! He Scooby-Dooed us!

Angus McZongo: May I buy you a drink? We don't get a lot of pretty faces around here.

Leela: Uh, sure, but I'm driving. I'll just have the smallest whiskey you've got.

Angus McZongo: A small aquarium of whiskey for the busty lass.

Fry: You can't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it.

Fry: Mr. Peppy wouldn't hurt your sheep. He's a vegetarian, and he's not even preachy about it.

Fry: You can't just kill somebody because they're ugly and corrosive.

Amy: That's what we said about Zoidberg, and look where that got us.

Zoidberg: Amy makes a good point.

The Tip of the Zoidberg[edit]

Zoidberg: Is this one o' those "No means yes" deals?!

Prof. Farnsworth: Yes and no.

Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpson's Jaundice.

Fry: [with yellow skin] Ay, carumba!

Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.

Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry...

Fry: Careful, Leela. He knows less about human anatomy than I do, and I can't even find my own uterus.

Fry: Oh, sure. Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed to Muppet Gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.

Leela: It wasn't unavoidable! You just had to stop cutting my spine when I yelled, "Stop! You're cutting my spine!"

Fry: Stop complaining. My body rejected your liver and now I have Garfield Syndrome. I hate Mondays.

Leela: Once and for all, Fry, even though it's the future, most objects are still just objects. Not Aliens who look like objects.

Fry: So my efforts to establish diplomatic relations with the cactus people were doomed from the start.

Doctor: My God. I've never seen such a gruesome shark attack. Especially this far inland.

Leela: It wasn't a shark. It was an awful, incompetent doctor.

Doctor: Wow. He must've been a total Zoidberg.

Cold Warriors[edit]

Zapp Brannigan: We have only one option: Protocol 62.

Richard Nixon's Head: Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas.

Zapp Brannigan: Then Protocol 63 it is.

Zoidberg: They're flying Manhattan into the sun. They must have been out of piranhas.

Yancy, Sr.: Double time, soldier. I want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours.

Fry: [shivers] It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off.

Yancy, Sr.: Pfft! You don't know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid.

[flashback to 1988 as the Fry family are enjoying Thanksgiving dinner at Panucci's Pizza]

Mr. Panucci: Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on!

Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school.

Fry: [to Yancy, Jr.] Pffft! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy.

Overclockwise[edit]

Cubert: This may take a while. I've got to adjust the memory timing, raise the CPU voltage, and delete twelve terabytes of outdated catchphrases.

Bender: Sounds like fun on the bun!

Female voice: Deleted.

Leela: Don't you ever wonder about the future?

Fry: Well, sure, but you're always in it.

[Leela smiles]

Fry: Also, sometimes Terminators.

Mom: Farnsworth? What a lucky break, after all these years I've got him, and legally too.

Larry: Even an idiot like me knows he'll be ruined.

Mom: An idiot like you is correct! [slaps him]

Hermes: Good news, everyone! That's what the Professor would say if he weren't in jail facing a life sentence.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh god! I clicked without reading.

Cubert Farnsworth: And I slightly modified a thing that I own.

Professor Farnsworth We're monsters!

[Both cry]

Reincarnation[edit]

God Entity: A wise man once said that nothing really dies. It just comes back in a new form. Then he died. So, next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it; it might be you. Stand by for "Reincarnation".

Prof. Farnsworth: Movietone News, everyone!

Fry: Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful. Do you think a space dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me? And also, I have bad posture some severe financial problems?

Bender: Have you tried gettin' her pregnant?

Fry: Gosh, yes! I've tried and tried! But, so far, I only got Amy pregnant.

Amy: Watch it, you stumble bums! You're boopin' my Betty!

Leela: Is my eye playing trick on me?

Bender: Th-th-that's all you get, chumps!

Fry: All right, diamond. You won those round, but I have an ace up my hole.

Fry: A guy like me can't afford a diamond ring for a gal like her.

Bender: That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you every week. [takes Fry's wallet]

Bender: Byte my 8 bit metal ass. [to Hermes] That's byte with a 'Y'.

[while examining a log under a super microscope]

Prof. Farnsworth: Oh my, there's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole at the bottom of the sea.

Leela: And that's the ultimate secret of the universe?

Prof. Farnsworth: Apparently so. Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole on the bottom of the sea. The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms...

Fry: Pfff! Those things don't rhyme!

Prof. Farnsworth: Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope!

Bender: [trying to cheer up the professor] Would it cheer you up if I punch Fry in the groin? Cause I'll do it, regardless.

Prof. Farnsworth: Fry, you idiot, you're a genius!

Amy: You solved the problem that drove Einstein and forced Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice-actor.

Stephen Hawking's Head: I like physics, but I love cartoons.

Leela: What is that box, you old witch?

Prof. Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! I'll never tell you! It's a deep space emotion detector.

[all gasp]

Prof. Farnsworth: The detector detects that you are impressed.

Fry: Zoidberg, a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.

Farnsworth: All attempts to communicate with the aliens have failed. I fear our only option is thrilling space battle.

Bender/Fry: Power Friends Go!

Zoidberg: Here my words. My shell may be tough like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard.

Cubert: Custard Time?! Hooray!

Prof. Farnsworth: Of course! Having no mouths or ears they can only communicate through motions!

Fry: Or perhaps by odors.

Bender: That is how you communicate.

Amy/Leela/Fry/Bender/Hermes: Hahahahahahaha!

Bender and Fry: [communicating with the aliens via dance] Hey aliens, we will kill you! And dishonor your widows by making them gather wood!

Prof. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero. You saved us all.

Zoidberg: For now. But another threat from the stars is sure to arise [mouth stops moving] next week at the same time!

The Bots and the Bees[edit]

Leela: Aw, he's so cute. Wait, no, he isn't. He looks like Bender!

Amy: Didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from?

Bender: No, she was a religious fundamentalist, plus she didn't have a mouth. It's an unusual combination.

Prof. Farnsworth: I hate to crush a boy's dreams, but... [upbeat] What the heck!

Bender: Awh, I'm gonna call him Ben, after the first half of me, Bender!

[Ben lets out a small, flaming burp.]

Bender: That's my bastard!

Hermes: That's it, Fry! For a guy who's not too bright, you're too damn bright!

Bender: There's a dam!

Ben: Damn!

Bender: There's a grate!

Ben: Great!

A Farewell to Arms[edit]

Fry: I hope you're not too mad at me, Leela. For tearing your arm off and all.

Leela: I can't be mad, I'm on way too many painkillers. Plus, you were willing to sacrifice yourself so I could live. I mean you failed miserably, but you're only person who loves me enough to try.

Prof. Farnsworth: What an idiot I was! And by "I", I meant "you"!

Richard Nixon's Head: Damn thing won't turn over, like Pat on Sunday morning.

Fry: My lucky pants!

Bender: They don't look so lucky to me.

Fry: They are too lucky! I was wearing them when I found a dime in my ear, when I got a free subscription to Redbook, and when I first met Leela.

Leela: Aw! Also, oh, Lord.

Fry: Also, they're my only pants.

Bender: You wore the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it.

Decision 3012[edit]

Linda: This is the first time a presidential candidate got to see his own birth live.

Bender: If you want my opinion, Nixon's only chance of beating Travers is with filthy lies, dirty tricks and good old Quaker thuggery. [the scene expands to reveal Bender is in the Oval Office with Nixon] And I'm just the guy for the job! [Bender and Nixon laugh evilly]

Bender and Nixon's Head: AROOO!

Chris Travers: Look, let's be honest here. No one likes taxes. But they pay for our basic needs. Roads, schools, defense. If we hope to realise our aspirations as a great planet, we must each pay our fair share to achieve those noble goals.

Morbo: Thank you, Senator. A thoughtful and lucid answer. You will be destroyed!

Leela: This is crazy! You're from the future?

Chris Travers: Yes. I was sent back from the year 3028 to prevent Nixon from getting elected.

Fry: I was sent forward from the year 2000, but you don't hear me gassing on about it.

The Thief of Baghead[edit]

Hermes: Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years!

Bender: Digital? [spits] No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain o' good, ol' film.

Prof. Farnsworth: How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.

Leela: [to Calculon] Now, your only chance is a classic death scene, one with a lot of thy's and thou's.

Bender: Voíla! The tragic end of "Rome-o and Julie-t."

Leela: That's Romeo and Juliet, dummy...by will. Shakespeare.

Zapp Dingbat[edit]

Zapp Brannigan: Very well. Morris, Munda, I now pronounce you man and wife. May I kiss the bride?

[Morris punches Zapp in the chest.]

Zapp Brannigan: Congratulations.

Zapp Brannigan: We're under attack and the wedding's off. Kif, return fire AND the cake.

Kif: [panicking] All systems are disabled and you can't return an ice cream cake!

The Butterjunk Effect[edit]

[Leela gives Fry a long kiss.]

Leela: Keep your door unlocked tonight.

Fry: But McGruff the Crime Dog says... Oh!

Leela: Professor, there's nothing wrong with Nectar. It's all natural.

Prof. Farnworth: So are carrots, but you don't see me injecting them between my toes!

[He lights up a carrot and smokes it.]

[Amy and Leela continuously kiss Fry]

Hermes: Sweet orgy of Georgia! Have you girls gone wild?

Bender: With one-sixth gravity, you can work and be lazy at the same time! It's like being a voice actor!

Morbo: Once again, Eternliax the Immortal, dead, at the age of 26.

The Six Million Dollar Mon[edit]

Hermes: No more implants. I don't want to end up a cold, emotionless machine like you.

Zoidberg: You don't understand. He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.

Leela: I insult you, you fat sack.

Zoidberg: Sure, when it's convenient.

[Beats begin]

Leela: Zoidberg this makes no sense. Why are you helping him?

Bender: And what's with that catchy beat?

Zoidberg: I'll tell you, 2, 3, 4.

[singing] I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago.

When a happy thought dispelled my wall

And I fell perhaps he'd be a bit last doll

Little Hermes: If I sliced up his Cyborgs scull

Both: He wants a brain

Zoidberg: He wants a robot brain

Both: Another brain

Zoidberg: Let see if he fells pain

Both: A brand new brain

Zoidberg: It might drive him insane

Both: He wants a brain.

Zoidberg: He wants a robot brain

Both: wa uuuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuuuu wa wa uuuuuuuu...

Amy: Does anybody else find it freaky that Zoidberg is singing harmony with himself?

Fry: Oh, loosen up, Amy!

Fun on a Bun[edit]

Prof. Farnsworth: For once, I thought it might be nice to do something in a social setting! Finally get to know each other. Why, I don't even know half your names! [Points to Fry.] You, boy! What do they call you?

Fry: Most folks just call me 'Orange Joe'.

Bender: Hey, Elzar! I've just recently started always having dreamt of being a sausage making champion

Zapp Brannigan: Foolproof and durable; it's designed to withstand the weight of a modern day elephant foot.

[A wooly mammoth tramples them, making Zapp drop the controller, which is crushed by the mammoth's foot, causing the drones to crash and explode.]

Bender: I enjoy getting drunk as much as the next fellow, but this sir, is Oktoberfest!

Free Will Hunting[edit]

Bender: Thanks to you, I went on a soul-searching journey. I hate those!

Bender: How does a robot join this monk outfit?

AbBot: Just put on this monk outfit.

Bender: I gotta mope things over for a while.

Fry: What's happening?

Leela: I don't know. I think he's shuffling off sadly in the distance.

Fry: Oh lord.

Bender: Life is about decisions. Make the wrong ones and you'll wind up face down in a pool of your own blood and urine.

Zoidberg: Still, to have your own pool!

Bender: It's been quite a journey. I dropped out of school, joined a gang, took money from a loan shark, and fell into a spiral of despair, addiction, and discount prostitution.

Hermes: Mon, you had one hell of a day.

Near-Death Wish[edit]

Leela: Fry, you're so confident and take charge on this trip! It's kind of a turn-on.

Fry: Not now, Leela, I'm trying to meet old people!

Zoidberg: It's so wonderful to meet the Professor's parents! [to Ned and Velma] Hello, my name is Dr. Zoidberg. I'm very important here.

Leela: Hey, Zoidberg! You forgot to empty this trashcan!

Zoidberg: [scared] Don't hit me!

Fry: Ahem!

Professor: Oh what? Oh yeah your award show? I'm sorry I couldn't make it but I had a very good reason!

Fry: Perhaps you'd favor us with it?

Professor: Sure my pleasure. I came down with a searing case of... who gives a crap?! HAHAHAHA!

Leela: Hmmmm... Hats with wires on them. Are you sure this is safe?

Bender: It's not just safe; it's 40% safe.

31st Century Fox[edit]

Prof. Farnsworth: Fox news, everyone! I've decided to make the fox our new corporate mascot!

Fry: It's Bender's middle finger. I'd recognize this anywhere.

Viva Mars Vegas[edit]

Zoidberg: [prays] God, it's Zoidberg. I hate to bother you, but- [A huge bag full of money lands directly in front of him] Okay, okay, I'll shut up!

Zoidberg: Look out, penny slots, I've got a system! It's to put all my money in you!

Prof. Farnsworth: My God! He was so saturated with ink that his entire body structure was polarized!

Zoidberg: You mean I'm invisible?

Prof. Farnsworth: No, no, no, not in any sense of the word. But essentially, yes, entirely.

Naturama[edit]

Salmon Hermes: Still, six of ten alive! That's considered good for our species.

Lobster Zoidberg: Five out of ten, also nice. [Takes a bit out of Scruffy]

Salmon Scruffy: Yep.

Salmon Hermes: Oh-ho I'm good! Who wants a piece of me?

Lobster Zoidberg: I'll try-a-bite! [Eats Hermes]

Bass Bender: (his dying words) Tell my kids I love me... very much.

Narrator: The isolated Galapagos Islands, a veritable pageant of evolutionary science – home to dozens of species found nowhere else, such as Darwin's Finches and the marine iguana.

Booby Zoidberg: Also, the Blue-footed Booby! That's fairly interesting. Note the blue coloration of the f—

Lonesome Hubert: Sad news everyone. I'm lonesome.

Beach-master Bender: Bite my freshly-molted, blubber-filled ass!

Seal Hermes: You're just a giant lump of fat. Do you even have an ass under there?

Beach-master Bender: I'm 40% ass.

2-D Blacktop[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: That's it, you hoodlums! Your mouth just wrote a transfer request that your butt has insufficient funds to honor!

Racer: Yo. It is on! Before that it was off.

Amy: [upset] Do you think they're...dead?

Hermes: No, no. I choose to believe they're alive in some other dimension. Screamin' in agony. [Amy wipes away a tear.]

Amy: I hope so.

[In the 2D dimension, Leela and the Professor are sat at a table with a bowl of apples on it.]

Leela: Yum, apples! [She grabs a piece of apple and attempts to eat it.] Hey, how come I can't swallow?

Professor Farnsworth: Hmm, I guess it's because our two-ended digestive system can't exist in this dimension. I suppose that could be an issue. [Leela mumbles and spits the piece of apple out.]

Leela: I knew it! I knew he'd get us killed somehow!

[The Professor begins to type on a computer.]

Professor Farnsworth: As you can see, or rather can't see, but take my word for it, such a digestive system would divide a 2D being into separate pieces!

King of Flatbush: He's opening our minds to new ideas. Kill him!

Fry and Leela's Big Fling[edit]

[Amy approaches Zoidberg whilst dressed like a marmoset.]

Amy: I'm not sure this marmoset disguise is working...

Zoidberg: I'm not sure either. We better ask Amy!

Fry: An-and the robot hands would make you a strawberry shortcake any time of day. Four, seven, any time!

Hermes: No way!

Fry: I'm not lyin'!

Leela: Sean, I'd like you to meet Fry, he and I are... What would you say we are, Fry?

Fry: Nude and interrupted.

T.: The Terrestrial[edit]

Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I'm in terrible pain.

Kif: Sir, there's an Omicronian ship requesting safe passage home.

Zapp: Home, eh? That's where I live! Let 'em through the blockade.

Hermes: Five-O! Five-O!

Amy: Five what?

Hermes: Five Omicronians!

Leela: Bender. Do you know where Fry is? I haven't seen him since we got back from Omicron Persei 8.

Bender: Fry?! You... just missed him. He went out to buy you flowers. Whatever kind you like best. 'Cuz he loves you and crap.

Lrrr: Jrrr! How do I watch a funny on the YouTube?

Jrrr: Can you save him?

Drrr: I could, but he'd only live another 80 years at most. The humane thing is to put him to sleep.

Lrrr: What's happening? Why's his butt glowing?

Drrr: The electromagnetic intensity of the robot's friendship is causing the herbs in his bowels to bioluminesce with love. Probably.

Forty Percent Leadbelly[edit]

Ben Beeler: Using my fancy technology, I can make an exact copy of this guitar.

Bender: Tell me Doctor Beeler, will I need to threaten you?

Ben Beeler: Not at all! You see nowadays, we can take a unique and beautiful object, and easily reduce it to a formula for mass production! I call the process "Science"!

Ben Beeler: (in Bender's hard drive:) WOAH! That's a lot of porn!

Bender: I failed at my life-long dream again. How can I be so bad at everything I try, and still be so great?

Zoidberg: But, robot, you can't just make up a folk song like you can a medical diploma, they have to come from the heart!

The Inhuman Torch[edit]

Mayor Poopenmeyer: These boys must have hero in their bones, and you, ma'am, must have heroine in your veins.

Bender: Polar bears don't burn! I've tried many times!

Professor Farnsworth: We can have 4 idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonist!

Mayor Poopenmeyer: There is no fire department! I sold it to pay for Bender's medal!

Bender: I'll stay here and be in charge of 'not dying'

Zapp: But here we are, stealing an unlimited supply of birthday grade helium from the unsuspecting moon.

Kif: That's the sun.

Zapp: At night, its the moon.

Saturday Morning Fun Pit[edit]

[Richard Nixon is told to end cartoon violence]

Richard Nixon: Rosemary, have we got any type of machinery to edit tape?!

Rosemary: Oh you know we do!

Nixon: [attaches robotic arms to machinery under his head] Time for Dickie to get tricky! Rargh! [Puts cartoon video-tape in video player]

Singers: G. I. Zapp. G. I. Zapp, G. I. Zapp!

Announcer: G. I Zapp is the code name for an elite group of...[Nixon pushes edit button]

Nixon: Patriotic peacekeepers who rebuild schools with their bullet-sucking vacuum tanks. That's what they are...

Announcer: Today's episode:. Operation throat sl-...[Nixon edits]

Nixon: Banana split! What the hell kind of plane is that?!

Zapp Brannigan: Okay, G. I. Zapps. Today's mission is to parachute into Fort Weaponsworth and take back our shrapnel laser, which was stolen by our sworn enemy. The terrorist group known as ACRONYM.

Kif: Acronym...A Criminal Regiment of Nasty Young Men.

Nixon: Oh, that's clever...I'll leave that the way it is.

[ACRONYM soldiers line up at the Great Pyramids]

Farnsworth: [as a villain] I'll show those G. I Zapps once and for all when I fire this surface-to-air...[Nixon edits tapes]

Nixon: Warning shot!

Soldier: Excellent plan, Profestro. That'll blow them straight to he-...[Nixon edits tape]

Nixon: Church!

Zapp: Sound off as you jump! Freezerburn! [Jumps off plane]

Leela: Nutcracker!

Nixon: [editing] That's no name for a woman! Let's just call her uhh...Pat!

Fry: Waterboard!

Nixon: [editing] Helpful Johnny!

Bender: Boxcutter!

Nixon: [editing] Powder puff!

GI Zapp Soldier: Orphan crippler!

Nixon: [editing] Uhhhhhh...pass...?

Kif: Incoming surface-to-air mi...

Nixon: [editing] Telegram! [A missile blows up the plane which crashes]

Kif: Tell my wife I...

Nixon: [editing] I'll be home for dinner! [plane crashes in desert turning into a fireball] I uh...landed the plane safely next to this naturally occurring fireball. At Disneyland. [an amputated arm with blood flies at the camera] Hi, Tinker Bell.

Farnsworth: [his soldiers aim cannons at the GI Zapps] Ready! Aim...f...[Nixon edits tape]

Nixon: NEGOTIATE! [The cannons fire. The GI Zapps drop grenades at the ACRONYM members] Uh, here comes a water balloon! [grenade explodes as men fly about moaning] That's quite a splash!

Fry: Uh, beam me up, Scotty. [He tosses an axe at an ACRONYM member]

Nixon: [editing] YAY! I caught it!

Fry: [a shot pierces his stomach] I'm hit! Oh God it h...

Nixon: [editing] Tickles!

Leela: Fry is d...

Nixon: [editing] Sleeping!

Leela: I will avenge him you heartless...

Nixon: BASTARDS! [grins evilly] It's okay when I say it!

[a rock is thrown into the White House shattering a window]

Nixon: Is that a rock? I hate rocks!

Farnsworth: [repetitive line] Just wait 'til I get my hands on those healthy purple berries!

[Nixon is editing a GI Zapp cartoon]

Leela: Die! Die! [uses a fire-log holder to choke an ACRONYM soldier]

Nixon: [editing] Just measuring you for a new hat. [a GI Zapp repetitively stabs a soldier] Three, four, cha-cha-cha. [Hermes is drowning a soldier] Find that apple. It's down there somewhere...[eventually the violence goes on and on. Nixon watches in disgust as explosions occur, gunfire is heard, screaming and fire shows up on the TV] Eeew...that's it! I'm pulling the plug! [Pulls plug off editer]

Calculon 2.0[edit]

[Fry and Bender are having a competition with the Robot Devil for Calculon's soul; with the Devil purposely trying to lose in order to get rid of the annoying Calculon]

Robot Devil: For Calculon's immortal soul, guess the number I'm thinking of.

Fry: Uhhhhhm...

Robot Devil: It's between one and three!

Fry: Four!

Robot Devil: No...between one and three, not including one or three.

Fry: "M"!

Bender: Is he right?

Robot Devil: [sarcastically] Yes, the number I was thinking of was the letter "M".

Calculon: Now, that's more like it. Always living wanting more. - That's the secret.

Robot Devil: Arrgh!

Calculon: So, what do you say, R.D.? Shall I dazzle the damned with a command performance of my one-man show?

Robot Devil: [screaming in despair] OH GOD! HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH!? [points to suffering robots in fire]

Fry: No! We like you and your big words, and we need you back on TV, so we can watch and not talk to each other. Our friendship depends on it!

Bender: [screaming] Your voice is so annoying!

Fry: [screaming] You always leave the toilet seat crushed!

Assie Come Home[edit]

Fry: Uhm, Leela, remember when we were trying to guess what would happen if someone stuck a gun in my face and you said I'd probably crap my pants? Well...

Leela and the Genestalk[edit]

Leela: Isn't it bad enough that I occasionally lay an egg? Now I have to become a squid too?!

Game of Tones[edit]

Hermes: But what are those aliens tryin' to ask us? What do the tones mean?

Professor Farnsworth: Isn't it obvious?

Hermes: Uh... No.

Professor Farnsworth: Drat! I was hoping it was.

Murder on the Planet Express[edit]

Fry: Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again?!

Bender: What?! Me? Bender the robot?!

Fry: There's metal flakes on it, and they look like ass flakes.

Bender: How dare you accuse me! I would never do something like that to a friend - every single night, while he's sleeping.

[Fry narrows his eyes and stares at Bender, in a manner similar to the Fry meme.]

Stench and Stenchibility[edit]

Leela: [to Zoidberg] You've accomplished so much more than most of us would bother to.

Zindy: I'm sorry, Zoidberg, I can't see you anymore. Something's come up. It's vomit.

[Zoidberg and Marianne lean in to kiss each other for the first time, but Zoidberg pulls away.]

Zoidberg: First, let me pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming! [He pinches his arm with his claw and cuts it open.] [screaming] Owch! I forgot I was a giant crab!

Meanwhile[edit]

Opening sequence: Avenge us.

Fry: I want this diamond right here.

Ultra Guy: Classy choice, Chief. She'll crap her pants.

[the series' last lines]

Professor: I've modded the device to release a single huge antichroniton blast. It should rip us out of stasis back to the instant before I conceived of the Time Button.

Fry: You mean we'll all get to live our lives over again?

Professor: Oh, my, yes. Even that nasty robot, what's-his-name. Of course, we won't remember anything that's happened.

Fry: [to Leela] What do you say? Want to go around again?

Leela: [taking his hand] I do.

Brian Griffin: Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Lois Griffin: The see in Mark Meloni and he is precious but you can't put it in mark meloni because it was already in a black boy oh well i mean you could try maby.

Peter Griffin: Freakin' sweet!

Peter Griffin: Holy crap!

Peter Griffin: Shut up, Meg.

Stewie Griffin: What the deuce?

Stewie Griffin: Victory is mine!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you all!

Stewie Griffin: Blast!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you vile woman!

Brian: (To Stewie after he shoots at kids in costumes) Hey Stewie...how do ya not know about trick-or-treating?!

Stewie: How do YOU not know that your reflection on your mirror is not another dog?!

Brian: HEY! That guy's a jerk! (Flashback of Brian getting coffee)

Brian: (Sees his reflection on a mirror) *HEY YOU GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS MY HOUSE!* (He runs into the mirror and falls unconscious as Peter walks in)

Peter: (Worried) Oh my gosh Brian what happened? Who did this to you? (He sees his reflection and glares) DID YOU DO THIS YOU SON OF A (expletive)!? (He lunges at his reflection and falls unconscious when hitting the mirror)

Cleveland Brown: Oh, that's nasty!

Cleveland Brown: WHAT THE HELL?! No, no, no, no, no, NOOO!

Glenn Quagmire: Giggity giggity goo!

Glenn Quagmire: All right!

Joe Swanson: LET'S DO IT!

Joe Swanson: Get some!

Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.

Herbert: hmmm

Herbert: Hey there little boy, you want a Popsicle?

Herbert: I got a freezer full of Popsicles!

Death Has a Shadow[edit]

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

[Stewie approaches Lois, who sits at the kitchen table]

Stewie: Hello, Mother.

Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie!

Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]

Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!

Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.

[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]

Stewie: Yes, well, victory is mine!

[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device; a moment later, the grenades detonate]

Stewie: [screams] Damn you all!

I Never Met the Dead Man[edit]

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!

Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?

Phone: Can you count to three?

Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style."]

Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.

Stewie: Very well then. I-[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?

Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Chitty Chitty Death Bang[edit]

[in Lois' womb]

Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Mind Over Murder[edit]

[Lois is daydreaming while washing the dishes, Stewie throws his bottle at her.]

Stewie: Damn you, woman, awake from your damnable reverie!

Lois: [sighs] Honey, I'm doing the dishes.

Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but, you see, I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]

Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.

Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!

Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?

Stewie: No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me, shake me like a British Nanny!

Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.

Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens; inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone; he finally picks up]

Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked; to Ernie] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. [he puts on his pants, drinks out of a beer bottle, and coughs]

Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn BED!

Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

[Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]

A Hero Sits Next Door[edit]

Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh, I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg: So, do you like music?

Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?

Meg: Uh, you first.

Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Fish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

The Son Also Draws[edit]

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]

Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.

[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]

WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.

WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

[last line]

Peter: Canada sucks!

Brian: Portrait of a Dog[edit]

[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy!]

Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.

Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

[after seeing the news about the heat wave]

Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!

Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater[edit]

Peter: Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.

Brian: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.

Peter: It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

Brian: Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try it again.

Maids and Butlers [M&B]: We only live to kiss your ass

Butler: Kiss it? Hell, we'll even wipe it for you.

M&B: From here on in it's easy street

Peter: Any bars on that street?

Butler: 24 happy-hours a day.

Peter: Oh, boy!

M&B: We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate [one man comes up to the gates]

Guard: Can I see that pamphlet, sir? [smacks him with it]

Peter: My God, this house is freakin' sweet!

Holy Crap[edit]

Peter: [returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!

Lois: Careful! I just cleaned the floor.

Peter: Good thing. Huh? [laughs]

[the Pope kisses the floor, smacks his lips, and smiles]

Pope: Lemony!

[Lois, shocked at the sight of his Holiness, drops a dish]

Lois: Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!

Francis: [shocked at the sight of the Pope] Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! [kneels before his Holiness] I am not worthy.

Da Boom[edit]

Chicken Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

Peter: Nooooo! [runs over to Trix rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Chicken Man] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Brian: ...besides, this place is paradise.

Old Man: Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

Peter: Randy Newman?

Man: Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

Newman: [sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!

Lois: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

Newman: [sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ...She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!

Lois: [whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.

Newman: [sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

Brian in Love[edit]

Barker: Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Brian: Oh, just die already.

[Meg sees a wet stain on the rug]

Meg: EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!

Brian: NO!

Love Thy Trophy[edit]

Indian Child: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

Indian Child: Li, would your people really do this?

Stewie: Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who will in turn sell them to Yuri's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you understand, yes? You all hate each other.

Peter: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!

Death is a Bitch[edit]

[Peter answers the door, and looks scared]

Peter: Who are you?

Death: I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death! Which one you is Peter Griffin?

Peter: [points at Chris] He is.

[Death has a flashback of his teen years when he and his old girlfriend made out in his car; the car rocks]

Death: Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy. Ohh...

[the car stops rocking, all of a sudden; Sandy is silent]

Death: Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?

[he resumes making out with her, and the car rocks again]

The King is Dead[edit]

Lois: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.

Peter: That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.

Lois: No, you didn't.

Peter: You win this round, Lois.

Lois: You're not being creative. You're just destroying a wonderful show.

Peter: Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.

Lois: The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into.

Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Stewie: [to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar[edit]

Woman 1: Boy that lotion sure feels good.

Woman 2: Sure is hot. [removes her top]

Woman 1: And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]

Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois. Not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Chef: [sings as he comes out of the kitchen with...] 10 banana cream pies!

[Lois and Ironbox, still in their catfight, slam into him, and he drops the pies]

If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'[edit]

Peter: There's gotta be an explanation for all this!

Brian: You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?

Peter: ...Oh yeah.

Running Mates[edit]

Lois: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

Peter: Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

Lois: Peter!

Peter: I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

[he points to said man in front of the lockers]

Majors: What? Women are things.

Mr. Fargas: Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect...

[he wheels in a stretcher, and exposes...]

Mr. Fargas: A clown!

[the students, including Peter, gasp, and Mr. Fargas cuts the tissue with his scalpel and looks inside the clown with a strange look on his face]

Mr. Fargas: Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... [extracts from the clown...] CANDY!

[he tosses the candy to his cheering students]

A Picture Is Worth a 1,000 Bucks[edit]

[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]

Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.

Peter: Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.

[he is actually driving blind]

Lois: Then at least let me drive!

Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable.

Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.

[cut to Hell; the Devil gets a message instantly]

Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.

Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a mallomar.

Devil: Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

Fifteen Minutes of Shame[edit]

Fisherman: [after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!

Peter: Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?

Chris: [lividly] NO WAY!

[he throws his last ball at the target, and it hits, sending the fisherman into the shark-infested tank]

Fisherman: Oh, for the love of Pete!

[a shark eats him]

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?! [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!

[cut to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera]

Stewie: Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just- I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Road to Rhode Island[edit]

Man in Airport: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?

Stewie: Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]

Stewie: Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

Let's Go to the Hop[edit]

Lois: Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.

Chris: Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?

Lois: [nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.

Chris: But I remember it so clear-

Peter and Lois: [loudly] It was a dream!

Child on television: Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?

[jail door closes]

Voiceover: Just one.

Dammit Janet[edit]

Brian: [eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.

Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."

Brian: Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

Stewie: AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!

Brian: AHA! Thank you for proving my point.

Stewie: DAMN!

Janet: Hi! Cookie?

Stewie: No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]

There's Something About Paulie[edit]

Peter: Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell getting around. I actually had to rent a mustang.

[cut to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]

Peter: What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

He's Too Sexy For His Fat[edit]

[Peter has gotten liposuction]

Stewie: My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Meg: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Chris: Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.

Meg: Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!

Chris: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Meg: I don't have a mustache...do I?

Lois: Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Meg: But, Mom!

Lois: Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

[cut to an extremely overweight Stewie sitting on the front doorstep]

Stewie: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in hell... [falls asleep]

E. Peterbus Unum[edit]

[while Lois is home-schooling the kids, Chris passes a note to Meg]

Lois: Chris, is that a note?

Chris: No.

Lois: Yes it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?

Chris: ...No!

Meg: Just read it, lardo.

Chris: [reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.

Lois: Go to your room.

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.

Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?

Chris: The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]

Peter: Oh, that's a good army.

The Story on Page One[edit]

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.

Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?

West: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]

Meg: Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...

West: My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Meg: It just went down the drain.

West: They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!

Meg: You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]

West: Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

Wasted Talent[edit]

Lois: You're drunk again!

Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!

Peter: That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Fore Father[edit]

Quagmire: The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is...well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

Stripper: How old are you?

Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore.

The Thin White Line[edit]

Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!

Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.

Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?

Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood[edit]

Brian: Hey, y'know what might be a thrill for you guys?

Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.

Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington[edit]

Brian: Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising.

[cut to "Lassie" in black and white]

Woman: Timmy, where's Lassie?

Timmy: She's out in the orchard, Mom. Peaches are comin' in mighty early this year.

[cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Smoke!

[cut back to Timmy and his mother]

Mom: You know what they say, Timmy: "Early peaches, long summer".

[cut back to Jerry]

Jerry: Smoke!

[cut back to a back view of Timmy and his mother; Lassie has just entered]

Timmy: What's that, Lassie?

[cut back to Jerry]

Jerry: Are ya smokin' yet?!

Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]

[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]

Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!

Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea[edit]

Quagmire: [to lesbians] So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

[in jail]

Inmate 1: Hey, check out the new meat!

Inmate 2: I like the fat one! More cushion for the pushin'!

Peter: Thank you!

Inmate 3: Hey, you and me gonna have a good time together!

Peter: Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, y'know, I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but, wow!

And the Wiener is...[edit]

Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.

Rudolph: Is it pixie dust or Leprechaun tails?

Doctor: No, it's a tumor.

Rudolph: You mean, like a magical Christmas tumor?

Doctor: No, a malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.

Rudolph: Oh...[pause] like a happy, special-

Doctor: You're going to die.

Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.

Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Death Lives[edit]

Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?

Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on or you'll get frostbite!

Death: I don't have skin!

Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Death's Mother: Remember to zip up your fly, if you don't zip up your fly, a seagull with get ya!

Death: (to Peter's ghost, trying to step back into his body through the mouth) Wait, wait, what're you doing? You can't get back in like that!

Peter: Well, I'm sure as Hell not going in the back door!

Lethal Weapons[edit]

Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?

Transvestite: [in deep voice] Sure.

Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?

Transvestite: Pre-op.

Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! [to the others] You're right. This place blows.

Peter: You just hit me!

Lois: That's right!

[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]

Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!

Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

The Kiss Seen Around the World[edit]

Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!

[all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest Mr. Lazenby]

Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!

Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.

Principal Shepherd: This stupid country!

Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]

Peter: Who was that guy?

Mr. Saturday Knight[edit]

Tom: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now, here's Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast. Ollie?

Ollie: It's gon' rain!

Tom: Thanks, Ollie.

Mr. Weed: [in his video will; his final lines of the series] Hello, friends. If you are watching this, I am dead, and I bet you're pretty bummed. But I have good news. The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. The demolition will begin in... [looks at his watch] Now.

A Fish Out of Water[edit]

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?

Peter: Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.

[The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen outfits, talking very quickly.]

Stewie: The port is quite good.

Brian: Yes, quite good.

Chris: Indeed.

Peter: Most certainly.

Brian: What year is it?

Chris: '51.

Brian: Ah.

Peter: Delectable.

Stewie: Indeed.

Chris: Yes.

Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!

Brian: What is it?

Peter: It appears I've spontaneously combusted.

Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.

Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

Stewie: Ah, very good then.

Chris: For the best.

Brian: Indeed.

Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

Emission Impossible[edit]

Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!

Lois: What? What?!

Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.

Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!

Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do somethin' about that. [grabs a scalpel]

Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

Stewie: [after Peter heads for the bathroom] Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and DO HER!

To Love and Die in Dixie[edit]

Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second, y'know, I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. In fact, I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Meg: This is our house?

Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

Screwed the Pooch[edit]

Tricia: This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live, where police have discovered the whereabouts of Seabreeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune. The dognapper has been traced to this sleazy motel. [Tom Tucker comes out in his boxers with a bag of beer bottles] Ah, I see my colleague, Tom Tucker, is already on the scene.

Prostitute: Who's that, baby?

Tom: [quickly shoves her back inside] Hello, this is Tom Tucker...'s evil twin, Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. [laughs] Now I'm going back inside to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have 45 minutes. Now, back to this breaking news.

[just before Brian gets neutered, Peter has a vision of himself sitting next to an overweight Brian eating chocolate]

Brian: I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's SO good!

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?[edit]

Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?

[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]

Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing?

Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.

Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled[edit]

Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel

[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]

Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?

Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.

Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]

Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.

Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...

Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: Exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]

Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!

[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing]

Peter: I'm handicapped now!

[Tom pauses the tape]

Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter: Oh, come on!

Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...

[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]

Tom: That's you driving the car.

Peter: Well, there's your hook!

Tom: Get out.

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas[edit]

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...

Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."

Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Lois: Hey, why don't you take Joe along?

Peter: Yeah, Lois. That'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

Lois: What?

Peter: What?

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows[edit]

Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.

Chris: [laughs] Rump.

Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]

Peter: Damn it all!

Patrons: SHH!

Peter: Sorry! Sorry.

[the swallow squawks loudly]

Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!

Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?

Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!

Patron 3: You ever heard of a sitter?!

Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?

Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!

Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!

Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!

[all patrons clamor inaudibly until the swallow hides back into Peter's beard]

Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!

[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]

Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

From Method to Madness[edit]

Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?

Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.

Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.

Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]

Dave: Hey!

Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris: Boobies.

Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!

Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.

Chris: Boobies.

Lois: Did you hear me, young man?

Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!

Chris: Boobies!

Lois: Peter?

Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neuralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]

Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?

Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stuck Together, Torn Apart[edit]

[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]

Lois: Look at that handsome man.

Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]

Police officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand?

Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.

Brian: Shut up!

Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Road to Europe[edit]

Lois: [after her faux pas at the KISS Concert] Peter, are you ever gonna forgive me?

Peter: Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you, so I will take my rage out on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.

Stewie: [comes across a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's terribly wrong!

Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?

Stewie: Wha- Why, that's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!

Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanka!

[she kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]

Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.

Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

Brian: Hey, come on. You wan' get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wan' take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1[edit]

Supergriffins

Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.

Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

West: Oh, my...

Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.

West: I see...

Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?

West: I was trying to gain superpowers.

Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.

West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein[edit]

Peter: Lois, no one really needs glasses.

Meg: You wear glasses.

Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

Peter: Wait a second. Rosenblatt? Greenstein? So you're saying I need a Jewish guy to handle my money?

Cleveland: Peter, not every Jewish person is good with money.

Peter: Well, yeah, I guess not the retarded ones, but-but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgy" and there's "offensive." Good day, sir!

North by North Quahog

Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?

Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.

Lois: Is there no hope?

Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Tom: In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now we go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?

Ollie: HE GON' GET IT!

Tom: Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High

Mrs. Lockhart: Good morning, class.

Chris and other students: Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.

Mrs. Lockhart: I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?

[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]

Chris: Two Ds and an F.

[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]

Lois: No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.

[cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]

Prisoners: Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,

Whether you're white or bronze.

A man can wash another man

In the merry old land of Oz!

Blind Ambition

Brian: [sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?

Peter: Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.

Brian: What do you need a seeing eye dog for?

Peter: Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.

[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]

Superman: We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]

Peter: Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.

God: [talking to a woman in The Drunken Clam] Oh uh, let me light that for ya, babe. [makes a lightning bolt that lights her cigarette]

Woman: Wow!

God: Yep, magic fingers. [God points to her and lightning catches her body on fire and explodes] Jesus Christ!

Jesus: What?

God: Get the Escalade. We're outta here!

Don't Make Me Over

Peter: Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.

[Cutaway to hospital]

Peter: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.

Man: Oh, my God.

Peter: [laughs] No no no, I'm just kidding. She's dead.

Peter: Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the tin man found out he was gay.

[cut to a scene from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]

Tin Man: Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.

The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

Peter: Your wife's cheatin' on ya.

Cleveland: What?!

Peter: Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!".

Brian: Uh, Peter...

Peter: Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?

[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]

Bamm-Bamm: [bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?

[switch to Emeril Lagasse]

Lagasse: Bam!

Peter: So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?

Peter: All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.

[he puts on a Quagmire mask]

Peter: Hey! Look at me! I'm Quagmire. I had sex with your wife. Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!

[Cleveland laughs]

Cleveland: Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]

Brian: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Peter: I'm not Peter. I'm Quagmire. And I'm doin' you, Loretta.

[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]

Brian: What the hell?

[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]

Cleveland: Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!

Petarded

Lois: Well, now that the mess is all cleaned up and we're back from the emergency room, it's time for the last game of the night, Trivial Pursuit.

Peter: Oh, man, I hate Trivial Pursuit. It always makes me feel so stupid.

Brian: More stupid than that time you locked your keys out of the car?

[cut to Peter sitting in his car]

Peter: Damn it. Hey, hey! Somebody! Hey! [a man walks by the car] Hey, sir! Sir! Sir, you see those keys there? Sir? Sir-oh, screw you! [shifts a bent piece of a hanger out of the window. He manages to hook his keys onto it, but the hanger falls off and out of the car; Peter wails]

Judge: In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.

Peter: Does that mean I get my kids back?

Judge: Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs his gavel]

Peter: Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.

Judge: Aw, I already banged the hammer.

Brian the Bachelor

[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]

Stewie: Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.

Mrs. Quagmire: Glenn, would you feed Mittens?

Quagmire: Mittens has food in his bowl!

Mrs. Quagmire: That's old food! [Mittens meows]

Quagmire: Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!

Mrs. Quagmire: Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!

Quagmire: Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

Meg: God, I don't think I could've been any clearer the last time I turned him down.

[cut to the set of Everybody Loves Raymond]

Debra: Ray, your mother insulted my steak pizzola. Again!

Meg: [walks on the set] Neil Goldman of Quahog, Rhode Island, leave me alone! I hate you! I HATE YOU! [leaves]

Debra: Anyway, your mother insulted-

Ray: I don't care anymore, Patty. After 9 seasons, I just don't care. Maybe you could try not being a bitch.

[Debra smashes a bottle and points it at her husband while he backs away]

Liddane: (in tears) I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!

Stewie: He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just- Lemme just hold you for a while.

(the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie)

Liddane: Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no. No!

Stewie: But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... (wails like a real baby)

Liddane: No more T.V.!

Stewie: Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun.

Breaking Out Is Hard to Do

Brian: Uh, hey, uh, Bonnie, uh, listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're-you're ruining everyone's good time. Like Peter did when he used to entertain terminally-ill kids.

[cut to Peter in a hospital with four kids in beds]

Peter: Hi there, how 'yall doing? Alright, so I'm at the DMV the other day. Long lines, long lines at the DMV, but, uh, you'll all find out about that when you get ol- [the kids stare at him] Oh, uh, moving on. So I finally tried Viagra, and- [hears a kid moaning; Peter walks up to his bed] Oh, we got a joker in the audience there. You uh, you got something you wanna say there, uh, Mr. Heckler?

Kid: Dying hurts!

Peter: Tell me about it. So, anyway, who hates flying?

Model Misbehavior

Peter: So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.

Carter: Are you calling me gay?

Peter: No. No. I just-I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on-on-on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].

Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.

Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.

Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cockapoopoopeepeeshire.

Peter's Got Woods

Stewie: [reads The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger suprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.

[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]

Peter: Hey, Stewie. Peek-a-boo!

Stewie: Yes, I see you, fat man.

Peter: [gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers eyes]

Stewie: What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]

Peter: [removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!

Stewie: Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.

The Perfect Castaway

[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire float on a raft after the storm]

Joe: We've been out here for days. I'm starving.

[Peter eats something]

Quagmire: Hey, what's that?

Peter: [stops] What?

Cleveland: You're eatin' somethin'!

Joe: You bastard! You have food?!

Peter: I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Joe: Gimme that!

[he and Peter fight over what Peter has been eating, until Joe screams at what he has seen; Cleveland and Quagmire shout in shock]

Joe: Peter! You've been eating my legs?!

Peter: Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Joe: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Peter: Look, look, Joe, I...!

Joe: YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!

Peter: Okay. You know what? Let's just agree to disagree.

[Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire exit their cruise ship and return to Quahog]

Joe: Well, that was a great cruise.

Peter: Yeah. The buffet was great!

Cleveland: And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.

[two men carry an incapacitated Skeet Ulrich on a stretcher]

Man: Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.

Ulrich: [to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!

Cleveland: There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Jungle Love

Unemployer: Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.

Peter: Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.

[cut to two doctors in a small window]

Doctor: Hmm. The only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one. [screen turns to Peter on a desk and three bears in others]

Peter: I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here. What, hey, let me look at- [turns to see the puzzle, a jar of jam] Oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were...

Lois: Oh, I wonder how your father's first day of work went.

[Peter drives up to the kitchen window and beeps the car horn]

Meg: Dad? What the hell are you doing!?

Peter: [drunk] Uh, yeah, hey buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheese-burger and a large fries and uh...do you sell pants?

PTV

Peter: [on the FCC's censorship] What the hell? They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV, and she looks like a foot!

[Peter starts his broadcast of PTV]

Peter: Hi, there. I'm Peter Griffin, and you're watchin' PTV, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. Like the episode of All in the Family where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.

[he shows a clip of said episode of All in the Family; Archie burns down a cross in front of George's house]

Archie: Time for you to move there, Jefferson!

Edith: Oh, Archie! I can't see outta my sheet!

Archie: Edith, will ya stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus!

[cut back to PTV]

Peter: And who could forget that classic episode of The Waltons?

[he shows a clip of said episode of The Waltons]

Mary Ellen: Good night, Jim-Bob.

Jim-Bob: Good night, Mary Ellen. Good night, Pa.

Pa: Good night, Jim-Bob. Good night, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Good night, Pa. Good night, Ma.

Ma: Good night, Elizabeth. Good night, John-Boy. [silence] Good night, John-Boy.

[she walks up to John-Boy's door and opens it]

Ma: John-Boy?

John-Boy: Damn it! Can't a guy masturbate in this house?

Brian Goes Back to College

[Peter shoots at the ceiling of the living room. Part of it falls down; Chris falls through it and onto the floor]

Chris: Hi, Dad!

Peter: Go to your room.

Chris: Okay. [heads upstairs and falls through to the floor again]

Peter: You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

The Courtship of Stewie's Father

Tom: We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?

[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]

Ollie: Everybody looks like ants!

Tom: Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

Stewie: Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!

[Lois angrily comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]

Peter: Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?

Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up.

Peter: Nah. I don't think I'm in the mood.

Brian: Are ya sure? [leaves, then comes back with a banana suit; sings and dances]

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Where he at?!

Where he at?!

Where he at?!

Where he at?!

Now, there he go!

There he go!

There he go!

There he go!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peter: Sorry, Brian. It's just not doin' it today. [leaves]

Brian: [continues singing and dancing] Do the Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

The Fat Guy Strangler

[Lois is watching The Price Is Right on TV]

Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?

Jennifer: Um... $675, Bob.

Barker: $675. Stephen?

Stephen: Uh, $780.

Barker: $780. Tammy?

Tammy: What was the last bid?

Barker: $780.

Tammy: $781.

Stephen: Fuck you!

[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]

Stewie: Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.

Brian: Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.

Stewie: Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?

[both laugh]

Brian: I don't know, man. It's his wife.

Stewie: You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?

Brian: [laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumb's up. [laughs]

Stewie: You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.

[both laugh]

Stewie: If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.

[both laugh, harder]

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

Announcer: And now back to "Jaws V: Fire Island".

(in the movie, 2 men are wading in the water)

Mark: You think we should be this far out?

Other Man: Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine.

Jaws: [sounds like Bruce] Hey. I'm gonna eat y'all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up dem shorts! I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. (hums his theme) Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimmin' a lot lately. [eats the two men] Mmm, yummy. Mmm.

Peter: [prays to Fonzie] Fonzie, if this be your will, please give me a sign.

[the doorbell rings; Peter opens it; inside comes Lindsay Lohan, nude and walking like a crab]

Lohan: Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks.

Peter: [amazed] It sure is! Fonzie be praised!

Brian Sings and Swings

[at the Quahog Market's 10 items-or-less express lane]

Bruce: I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gonna give me 11 items.

Cashier: That's fine.

Bruce: No, no, no. Rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gonna put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good. [Stewie, behind him in line, sighs] 7 Up's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what, I'm not gonna need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay. I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay in pennies. [dumps a whole bag of pennies on the counter]

Stewie: [after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!

Brian: I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? 'Cause life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Stewie: Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.

Brian: You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something is really, really funny?

[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith, with Stewie laughing differently than usual]

Stewie: Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time. [runs off]

Patriot Games

Peter: All right, now listen up, you limey bum sniffers! If we're gonna beat the New England Patriots next week, I got to toughen you up. So you're gonna get into shape the way American athletes do. By taking steroids.

Tom: Diane didn't your first your husband blow his brains out?

Diane: Oh, God! (cries uncontrollably)

Tom: Coming up: America's hottest new curse word "Kleeman", We'll tell you what it means after this.

I Take Thee Quagmire

[scene from "Wheel of Fortune"]

Pat Sajak: All right, Peter, you've made it to the bonus round, congratulations.

Peter: Thanks, Regis.

Sajak: Okay, the category is "Actor and Show," so we need five consonants and a vowel.

Peter: Uh, okay, um... Z, 4, Q... another Q... uh... a third Q, and the Batman symbol.

Sajak: Okay, no help there. 15 seconds if you wanna take a shot at it. Talk it out.

Peter: Is it Alex Karras in Webster? [the whole puzzle is revealed]

Sajak: (in the state of shock) I... don't... believe it!

Peter: Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!

Peter: Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.

Sajak: That's you.

Peter: Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

[at home]

Lois: Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!

Brian: I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".

[cut to "Jeopardy!"]

Trebek: All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [Adam reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]

West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

Sibling Rivalry

[Suddenly, a throwing star comes out of nowhere and misses him by inches. Stewie is seen having just entered the tent, brandishing a sword]

Bertram: Stewie! You're alive!

Stewie: Yes, Bertram, I'm alive. And I think you'll find all your guards quite incapacitated.

Bertram: You have an annoying habit of turning up when you're not welcome!

Stewie: Well, when I'm done with you, you're going to hate me more than the other vowels hate Y.

[cut to a business meeting with A, E, I, O, and U.]

A: If you'll turn to page 34 of your blue books, you'll see our projections for next quarter, [Y enters, talking on his cell phone] which I can tell are...

Y: Okay, okay. Yeah, alright. Okay, you know what, I'm in a meeting, I'll call you back. [hangs up]

E: Well, well, well, look who decided to show up.

Y: So, what are we talking about here?

U: Well, before you- [Y's phone rings]

Y: Oh, I'm sorry. [answers] F! What's up? No, no, I can talk.

Dr. Hartman: (after Lois has recovered from her heart attack) Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days, and you'll be just fine.

Lois: Thank you, Doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?

Meg: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?

Lois: Chris, we all love your hat.

Chris: Thanks, Mom! [to Dr. Hartman] Hey, doc, what did you do with my mom's fat?

Dr. Hartman: Well, we stored it all in this storage room. [opens up a closet to show Peter with his pants off kissing a bag of fat]

Peter: Uhhhh, it's exactly what it looks like.

Deep Throats

Brian: Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.

Kermit the Frog: [hides in the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.

Brian: Uh... okay.

Kermit: Mayor West hasn't slept at home for 3 nights.

Brian: Kermit the Frog?

Kermit: [gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!

Stewie: What's his appeal?

Meg: I have to tell you something, Adam.

West: You're an alien. I know.

Peterotica

Kool-Aid Man: [after a car crashes into his house] Wow. You know, from the other side that's kind of annoying.

White: Hi, I'm Betty White. I just got a subpoena regarding an erotic novel, and I'm looking for the son of a bitch responsible.

You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

Chris: She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, I'd let her do that to them.

Classmate: What? Kick them around?

Chris: Um, wait...yes.

[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]

Chris: Matthew McConaughey?

McConaughey: Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.

[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]

Stewie: Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.

Chris: But I...

Stewie: Grab his legs!

[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]

Petergeist

Bruce: [as a spiritual guide] Lois, I told you, it ain't safe!

Peter: I'll tell you what's not safe: Going hunting with Dick Cheney.

[cut to Peter and Cheney in a meadow with shotguns]

Peter: So, y'all set to go hunting? [Cheney shoots him about ten times. Peter screams each time until he falls on the ground]

Cheney: Sorry, I thought you were a deer.

[Carrot Top runs out of the hall of mirrors after tricking Peter, but the latter comes out successfully, much to the former's surprise]

Carrot Top: What the hell? How did you find me?

Peter: [shows Carrot Top a saw wearing glasses] I found this saw with glasses on it.

Carrot Top: [takes the saw] Oh, that's my "See"-saw.

[Peter laughs]

Peter: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You are so fucking funny! You are so- Goddamn you for being so funny! [laughs again] Oh, my God!

Untitled Griffin Family History

[Peter uses flare gun and gives out parachutes]

Lois: Peter, these are parachutes! What the hell are we going to do with parachutes?

[Scene shifts to Peter in a scuba suit]

Peter: They were to distract you while I put on the one scuba suit.

[Peter inhales in the scuba suit, and coughs]

Peter: What the hell is this? This is a tank of Tony Danza's breath! Who the hell would want this?

[Scene shifts to another house, the mailbox reads "Judith Light"]

Light: [with a life-sized hay-stuffed doll with Tony Danza's face on it] Kiss me, Tony. I want your breath inside me. [kisses the doll, inhales] Hey!

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Pre-Movie

Tricia: Tom, tonight the stars are out for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?

West: Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup...no, I take that one back. I'm going to hold on to that one.

Stewie B. Goode

Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks! It's much faster than a horse! (the station manager hands him a note) Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer workin' here, let me tell you somethin': You know what really grinds my gears? YOU, America! (points at camera) FUCK YOU! Diane? (security takes him away)

Bango Was His Name Oh!

Lois: Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls! So I'll ask you again. What are the names of the women on Sex and the City? [camera zooms out to reveal Chris standing in a tub of water with his hands tied above him]

Chris: Uh...Carrie,... Miranda... uh, Samantha... and... uh... Scrappy-Doo?

Lois: Hit him, Endo! [a man takes 2 sponges attached to electrical wire and touches them to Chris]

Chris: [screams] Uh, Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? [screams again]

[in a commercial with Wilford Brimley]

Brimley: Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley, and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee, and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And 2 weeks ago, I ran outta vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. And then I find out my wife's been dead for 6 years. Who the hell did I hit?!

Narrator: This message brought to you by the National Diabetes Association.

Stu and Stewie's Excellent Adventure

Stewie: [to Stu] You listen to me, Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and... [reads from The Joy of Sex] "insert your phallus into her vag-in-a." Go!

Post-Movie

Tricia: Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?

Peter: Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.

[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]

Cleveland: Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.

Peter: Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!

Cleveland: Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit. You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!

[Stewie walks in wearing a tribal skirt and a drum]

Stewie: Did I miss my cue?

[in the bar]

Peter: Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.

[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]

Chris: [nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.

Lois: [in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]

Brian: [in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table everytime he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!

Tricia: Peter, is there anything else you want to say?

Peter: Yeah, I got something to say. [stands on a stool] You know, we kid around a lot here, but the truth is, we care about each other. And we're excited to be back, because we wanna address some serious issues and, you know, do something we can all be proud of. [Peter farts; everyone laughs]

Lois: [laughs] Oh, Peter.

Peter: Hehehehehe! Still got it! [the scene freezes, and the camera zooms out to reveal the Griffins' living room, where the scene is shown on a TV]

Peter: That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. Truth is, 300,000,000 Americans a day expel gas through their anus. To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. [farts again, then laughs] Just yankin' ya. [scene fades to black for a moment, then back in again; Peter farts once more]

Stewie Loves Lois[edit]

Tom: We interrupt this program with a special report. Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots.

Diane: Let's go live to Asian flu correspondant Tricia Takanawa. Tricia?

[cut to a sick Tricia in a bathroom]

Tricia: Diane, I...

[she throws up in the toilet]

Diane: Thank you, Tricia.

Diane: We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.

[cut to a car on a cliff with 4 females screaming inside]

Robin: Hey, don't worry. I'm here.

Passenger #1: Robin? They sent you?!

Robin: Yeah. Everyone else was busy, so they sent me.

Passenger # 2: What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers.

Robin: Uh, I got a cellphone. [looks at his phone] Oh! No bars.

Mother Tucker[edit]

Ollie: Lady's old!

[at dinner]

Peter: I want some ice cream.

Tom: No, Peter. You finish your food.

[Peter takes his chair to the fridge, much to Tom's dismay]

Tom: You- Hey. You get back here right now, mister.

[Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer]

Tom: No. Don't you- Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble.

[Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream]

Tom: You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it.

[Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat]

Tom: I'm not kidding around. I'm not gonna say it again.

[Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop]

Tom: If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.

[Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Tom zips toward him and slaps him on the behind repeatedly; Peter wails in agony]

Peter: I hate you! I hate you! I want my mommy!

Tom: [drags him out of the kitchen] Well, I'm the best you've got!

Hell Comes to Quahog[edit]

Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

Joe: No!

Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!

Cleveland: Meg is my least favorite of all your children!

Peter: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.

Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.

Peter: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

Lois: So, how was work today, Meg?

[Peter raspberries]

Lois: Oh. Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg.

[Peter raspberries again]

Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says Meg.

[Peter raspberries yet again]

Brian: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?

[Peter raspberries again]

Chris: [laughs] Meg.

[Peter raspberries again]

Chris: MEG!

[Peter raspberries even louder]

Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!

[Peter raspberries 7 times]

Chris: [quietly] Meg.

[Peter raspberries quietly]

Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job!

[Peter whispers into Brian's ear]

Brian: Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.

Meg: What did he just say to you?

Brian: Nothing. There was- It's like if you- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.

[Peter raspberries again]

Saving Private Brian[edit]

[about Brian leaving the army]

Stewie: You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach. [pause, but there's no cutaway] Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope? Okay. Uh-uh, you can't leave, Brian...

Brian: All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get us kicked out.

Stewie: Right. We've just got to convince them we're not army material. Ready?

Brian: All right, let's do it. [they start making out]

Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay, with my gayness!

Brian: Me too! I'm... I'm a homo!

[Another soldier walks up to them as they continue making out]

Gay soldier: [effeminately] Any room for one more?

Stewie: Hell yeah! [Brian slaps him]

Whistle While Your Wife Works[edit]

[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]

Peter: Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super..." [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP!

[He, the rest of the Griffins, and Quagmire all scream in shock]

Lois: OH, MY GOD! YA BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!

[Joe enters]

Joe: What happened!? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!

Stewie: You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

[as Joe wheels up to Peter, Chris finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair]

Chris: There's one of Dad's fingers!

Meg: We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached.

[Cleveland enters, with another of Peter's fingers in his hair]

Cleveland: What's all the commotion?

Stewie: Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her?

Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!

Stewie: [to Brian] Are her parents brother and sister?

Brian: Can you please leave now?!

Stewie: Oh. Now I get it. She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts, you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.

Brian: Shut up! That's not it at all.

Prick Up Your Ears[edit]

Peter: [reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be "obstinent".

Meg: Abstinent.

Peter: Absent.

Meg: Abstinent.

Peter: You're grounded.*

*On the DVD and Adult Swim version, Peter says that "...he'll be as untouched as the turn signal on an Asian woman's car," followed by a cutaway of an Asian woman causing a car accident.

[after sex]

Peter: Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?

Lois: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.

Peter: What?

Chick Cancer[edit]

Peter: Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equalled only by your sense of love!

Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?

Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Brian: So what happened?

Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian- what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know wha- why don't guys just do that?

Brian: They do, it's called being gay.

Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

Barely Legal[edit]

Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.

[She and another couple laugh]

Brian: [drunk] You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.

Connie: Excuse me?

Meg: Brian, let's just go.

Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Hang on. Hang on, Meg. Hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror, because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

[Connie leaves in disappointment]

Meg: Morning, cutie!

Brian: Hey.

Meg: I had so much fun last night, Brian. Hey, I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.

Brian: I- I don't think so.

Meg: Oh, come on! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? Who's a good boy?

Brian: Me.

Meg: (speaks baby talk) Oh, yes, yes, yes! Who's a good boy?!

Brian: I am. I'm a good boy. But, no, no, no. Look. Look. I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry.

Meg: Well, we should hook up, anyway. I'll bug ya later. (leaves)

Road to Rupert[edit]

Peter: How much for the gloves?

Brian: Peter, those are yours.

Peter: 10 bucks! $2! $7! $4! $5.50! $10! Sold! [slyly] Sucker. I would have gone to fifteen easy. I am so stupid.

Brian: (While running away with Stewie) How are we gonna get out of here?

Stewie: You still got the starting gun?

Brian: Yeah?

Stewie: Give it to me.

(Brian hands Stewie the gun) (Cut to a single green car at a stop light in Aspen)

Stewie: (To the driver of the car, while holding up the gun) Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car right now man! (breaks car window with the gun) Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it, do it! I'll fucking kill you! Get the fuck out of the fucking car!

(While Stewie is screaming at the driver, Brian effortlessly removes the driver from the car, puts Stewie in the passenger seat, climbs into the driver seat and speeds away)

(Cut to a highway road back to Rhode Island; the car Brian and Stewie just stole is now seen driving back to Quahog)

Brian: Did we just car-jack someone?

Stewie: We sure did Brian, we sure did.

Peter's Two Dads[edit]

Francis: [last words before death; to Peter] You're a fat stinkin' drunk!

Lois: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turning...

Peter: Uh, Meg, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?

Meg: That's not right.

Peter: So, less, more, too many, not enough?

Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!

Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age, or is it?

Meg: I'm gonna be 17, you jerks! [leaves]

The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou[edit]

Peter: [to Kyle] You got LEGOs? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.

Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.

Peter: You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

[Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]

Stewie: [whispers] I love you.

Brian: What? What'd you say?

Stewie: Uh, olive juice.

Brian: Olive juice?

Stewie: [whispers] Olive juice, you too.

Airport '07[edit]

[Peter has the couch out on the front lawn. Meg walks by]

Peter: Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. [she sits down next to him. Peter then does a fake yawn, stretches his arms out, and puts one around Meg]

Meg: Dad, what are you doing?

Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40.

[Meg runs away, shrieking]

Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!

Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for Rednecks.

Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's 4- [voiceover] hundreds and hundreds of years old. [normally] Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a- [voiceover] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! [normally] -big bang. If you look at the bones of a [voiceover] Jesus [normally]-osaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that- [voiceover] Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey[edit]

[Peter walks in on Lois in bed with Clinton]

Peter: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice, 'cause she's here, humping you?!

Lois: [gasps] Peter! [starts putting on and buttoning her shirt] Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except... [voice gets increasingly more lustful] I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and... [inhales] he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!

Clinton: 35 years.

Lois: 35 years, Peter!

[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]

Brian: How do you think it works?

Stewie: I have no idea.

Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

Stewie: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.

Brian: What's that big back part?

Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.

Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.

Stewie: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.

[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]

No Meals on Wheels[edit]

Announcer: We now return to America's Next Top Model.

[in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]

Model: I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.

Banks: You know what? How dare you?! You don't know me. You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!

[a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]

[Peter zaps Brian with a single touch]

Brian: OW! Damn it, Peter! Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissin' me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate.

[flashback to Brian's old apartment with Brian and his roommate]

Foreperson: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.

Roommate: Yes!

Brian: What the hell?!

Brian and his roommate: What?!

[they point their guns at each other]

Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.

Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

Boys Do Cry[edit]

Lois: Oh, it is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.

Peter: I agree, Lois. Like, for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that... you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. [long pause] Yeah.

[the horse barges in and stops the execution of Peter]

Peter: Horsey! You saved my life!

Horsey: [in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.

Peter: Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!

Horsey: That's right!

Peter: Awesome!

No Chris Left Behind[edit]

Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you?

Peter: No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And-and with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks." But no, Lois. That title wrote a check that the queers on stage refused to cash.

Lois: They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the Founding Fathers had in mind.

[cut to the signing of the Declaration of Independence]

Founding Father: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take role call first. Thomas Jefferson?

Jefferson: Here!

Father: Benjamin Franklin?

Franklin: Here!

Father: John Footpenis?

Hancock: It's "Hancock" now!

Father: Why?

Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!

It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One[edit]

[Chris is going door-to-door to try and get votes for Lois. He approaches one door, rings the bell, and the person inside answers. The camera stays on Chris as he talks]

Chris: Hi. I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? [the camera pans to the person at the door, who turns out to be Lois]

Lois: Chris, this is our house.

Chris: Ah. Then what is for dinner?

Lois: Pork chops.

Chris: Excellent.

Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?

Chris: I have not.

Lois: Would you like to come in?

Chris: Please.

Lois: Hey, you guys.

Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.

Lois: What?

Chris: What?

Meet the Quagmires[edit]

Quagmire: [to Lois] Come here, baby, let's go play "Hide and Go Anal"!

[In the alternate universe]

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin! I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.

Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius! Oh!

[Chris, Meg and Stewie laugh; then they say "giggity" seven times in unison]

Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?

[Brian looks up in shock]

Lois: I know! Who would have thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?

Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot - the one place no one would look.

Blue Harvest[edit]

[Opening Dialogue for "Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope"]

It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.

There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out until the next episode.

And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss, which is kinda messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?

Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.

Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie Gia. She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late at night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest...

Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...

[C-3PO and R2-D2 are walking across a desert]

C-3PO (Quagmire): Ok, who would you rather do, Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?

R2-D2 (Cleveland): [angrily] My father was a service droid! [starts to leave]

C-3PO (Quagmire): Hey, where are you going?

R2-D2 (Cleveland): Oh, you can just kiss the lower back end of the canister that is my body.

Luke: Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womprats in my T-16.

C-3PO: My God, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!

Luke: There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!

[At the Death Star meeting]

Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

Darth Vader (Stewie): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So, no weaknesses at all?

Admiral: ...N-no.

Vader: You...you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?

Admiral: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%

Vader: Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?

Admiral: Well, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.

Vader: Whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw.

Admiral: Nah, it's nothing. I mean, the hole's only about two meters across.

Grand Moff Tarkin (Adam West): Why, that's no bigger than a womp rat.

Admiral: Exactly. And to even get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's no big deal.

Vader: Well, can't we board it up? I mean, put some plywood over it?

Admiral: Well, that would look terrible. We've got to think about resale.

Vader: Resale? What are you talking about?! This property's right above Sunset, the value's only going to go up!

Admiral: Lord Vader, your inside references on the Los Angeles real estate market have not given you the clairvoyance to turn around that profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it... [Vader's force chokes Motti]

Vader: I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, 20 minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown...

Admiral: [gasps] There's...nothing to do...downtown!

Tarkin: Enough of this! Vader, release him!

Vader: As you wish. [releases Motti] So, are we going to plug up that hole?

Imperial Officer: Yeah. We can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.

Vader: Uhhhhh...

Officer: We'll get estimates.

Vader: Yeah, estimates, yeah.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.

Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?

Han: Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Luke: Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Han: [stammers] Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! All right, let's go.

[Last lines]

Meg: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!

Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?

Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.

Chris: I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.

Peter: Oh, really? Define decent.

Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.

Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is like, twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Who knows?

Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.

Peter: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the REAL networks.

Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.

Peter: And besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? What is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yaaay! Tune me in for that.

Chris: Oh, so you do know the show?

Peter: I read part of a review online. I'm not a fan.

Chris: [angrily] You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!

[After Chris leaves, Peter sings the Star Wars theme, with the screen cutting to black after the last notes]

Movin' Out (Brian's Song)[edit]

Lois: So, Meg, any luck finding another job?

Meg: No. Hardly anybody's hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line, and I sucked at it.

[cut to Meg on the couch, on the phone]

Meg: What am I wearing? Um...a hat, and...glasses? What kind of underwear? Um...I don't know...big underwear, I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh. What would I do to you? Well, um... I guess, maybe we could get pizza, and...we could watch House?

[cut to Peter in the bedroom, on the phone, revealing he's the caller]

Peter: All right, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway, ma'am. I appreciate your time. [hangs up]

Announcer: This Tuesday on Lifetime, Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime Original movie.

Bertinelli: You know, Doctor, you said you were gonna cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me. I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.

Doctor: Well you're right...about the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.

[Bertinelli then cries]

Announcer: Valerie Bertinelli in : Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime

Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air[edit]

[the night after Joe's surgery, Joe and Bonnie finally have sex]

Joe: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GET SOME! GET SOME! YEAH! SEX! SEX! SEX!

[Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire are rock climbing with Joe]

Joe: Wow, this is great! I feel so alive. Come on ladies kick your high heels off and get moving, you guys are a disgrace!

Quagmire: Peter, this doesn't seem safe.

Cleveland: Yeah, I'm afraid I might- [Cleveland falls off the mountain, then Spider-Man arrives, and shoots a web under Cleveland, breaking his fall] Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man!

Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.

Peter: Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.

Spider-Man: Bingo! [shoots another web and flies away]

100th Episode Celebration[edit]

Seth MacFarlane: Hello America! I'm Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy, here to talk to you about some of the amazing work that's going on at the Dana-Farber Center for Cancer Research. [smiles] Oh, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine? Tonight we're gonna watch some of my favorite clips from Family Guy as we celebrate 100 episodes of doing just enough to get by.

MacFarlane: At the heart of any successful TV family comedy is the family itself. Let's take a stroll down Spooner Street and relive some memorable moments from the family that helped make me, a poor Vietnamese immigrant, into a Caucasian Hollywood millionaire.

MacFarlane: Sure, Family Guy is a half hour of laughter, but it's also a half hour of learning. Let's take a look back at some Family Guy history lessons that have kept America's high schoolers out of college.

MacFarlane: Welcome back to the Family Guy 100th Episode Celebration. Aren't you glad this isn't the Dharma & Greg clip show? Because by now, you would have already seen the Dharma clips and you'd be stuck watching the Greg clips. God, what an awful, awful show. [10 second pause] Well, now let's check in once again with some of our biggest fans!

MacFarlane: You know, some of my favorite moments on Family Guy over the years have been the musical numbers. They're the moments that keep us just one gay step ahead of the competition. So lighten those loafers and get ready for us to suck your funny bone with some Family Guy-style show stoppers.

MacFarlane: Hahahaha! I forgot how funny I am!

MacFarlane: I hope you've liked what you've seen so far, and I know you're gonna enjoy the rest. [starts to toss a baseball into his gloved hand repeatedly, playing catch with himself] And after it's over, what do you say you and I head out back and have a game of catch? We can talk about the trouble you've been having at school and why girls are so interesting all of a sudden.

MacFarlane: You know, people often ask me why there are so many pop culture references on the show. Well, I'll tell you. Family Guy likes to hold a mirror up to society and say "Society, you're ugly and we don't like a lot of what you're doing". Here's just a small sampling of our distaste.

MacFarlane: You know, through the years, Peter Griffin has had more jobs than you can shake a stick at. [smiling] You know, I never got that phrase, "shake a stick at". Did people in the old days shake sticks at things in large groups? [Seth and people behind the camera laugh] See, I'm the engine that drives a lot of the comedy on the show. Let's look at some of Peter's jobs.

MacFarlane: We'll be right back with more Cold Case. [more to himself than to anyone else] Another awful show. And it's very tough to look at, the whole thing is just drab. And it's like it's all shot with a blue filter, and it makes everything look really gray and unappealing. And Medium, I hate Medium. Come on, everybody!

MacFarlane: Well, we hope you've enjoyed this look back at the first 100 episodes of Family Guy. [holding up a glass] And here's the next 100. [a little bit agitated] And hopefully we won't get cancelled for two and a half fucking years in the middle again! [smiling] Good night, America!

Stewie Kills Lois[edit]

[Stewie aims a gun at Lois]

Lois: What are you- Wha-what are you doing with a gun?

Stewie: Something I should have done a very long time ago. [shoots rapidly at Lois until she falls into the water with blood on her chest] I DID IT! I KILLED HER! SHE'S DEAD! [laughs maniacally until he trips and cries] Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! ...Oh, yeah, that's right.

Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?

Mr. Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.

Peter: Oh, no!

Bruce: Oh, no!

Brian: Oh, no!

Meg: Oh, no!

Chris: Oh, no!

[the Kool-Aid Man bursts into the courtroom again]

Kool-Aid-Man: OH, YEAH! [everyone stares at him, and he slowly backs out of the room]

Judge: Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.

Lois Kills Stewie[edit]

Tom: Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 News. We now go live to Ollie Williams recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time, Ollie?

Ollie: Stewie killed Lois!

Tom: Then what?

Ollie: Peter got blamed!

Tom: Then what?

Ollie: Peter went to court!

Tom: Then what?

Ollie: Lois came back!

Tom: How?

Ollie: Wasn't really dead!

Tom: Thanks, Ollie. And now, part 2!

Lois: All right, Peter. I'm going to kill Stewie. Dinner's in the oven. All you have to do is turn it to 350 at about 5:15.

Peter: Yeah, okay, Lois.

Lois: Are you listening?

Peter: Yeah.

Lois: What did I just say?

Peter: Turn the oven to 350 at 5:15! I heard it!

Padre de Familia[edit]

Brian: Peter, why did you have my acupuncturist arrested?

Peter: Because he was an illegal immigrant and a threat to our national security!

Brian: He was an 85 year old Korean Buddhist!

Peter: Or was he supreme leader of al-Queda? I guess we'll find out if he ever gets a trial.

Brian: Peter, America was founded by immigrants. Everyone here is the descendant of an immigrant. They're a vital part of our society.

Peter: They're part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Take 'em away!

Peter: Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

McDonald: [sings] Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

Peter: Oh, man. Not this guy again!

McDonald: [sings] Oh, man. Not this guy again!

[Peter farts]

McDonald: [sings] Fart!

Peter's Daughter[edit]

[during Meg and Michael's date, Michael notices a familiar face]

Michael: What the hell?

Meg: What's wrong?

Michael: Meg, I'm not sure, but I think your dad is sitting at that table over there.

Meg: What? Where?

Michael: Well, I can't tell if it's him. I think he's wearing some kinda disguise.

[Meg turns around and notices Peter in a Chinese disguise]

Meg: Oh, my God! Dad!

[she and Michael approach Peter]

Meg: What do you think you're doing?!

Peter: [Chinese accent] Peter? Who Peter?

Meg: I didn't say Peter. I said Dad!

Peter: [normally] Oh.

Meg: Have you been spying on us the entire time we've been dating?!

Peter: Meg, it's only because I wanna make sure this guy treats you right and doesn't try anything funny!

Michael: Meg, this is more than I can deal with. If your father is this opposed to our relationship, I don't see how it can work out.

Meg: But, Michael.

Michael: I'm sorry, Meg. I promise I won't forget you.

[he leaves]

Peter: See? Look, Meg. He just walked out on ya. He's a bad man, like Jodie Foster.

[after the abandoned house has been destroyed]

Brian: Didn't we have an electrician in there today?

Stewie: Uh, he left. Pretty sure he left.

Brian: Isn't that his truck?

[he turns Stewie's attention to the electrician's empty truck]

Stewie: Well, by God, Brian, we're murderers. I guess this means you'll be going to Doggie Hell.

McStroke[edit]

[Stewie, as Zac Sawyer, has won the respect of the popular kids]

Stewie: Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.

[cut to Will Smith recording a rap song]

Smith: Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,

I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum.

And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready.

Whoo-hoo! What-what, what! A-what, I say, what-what?!

Help out your mom and dad by gettin' a job

So you can help pay for school supplies.

A-whoo-hoo! Say "Hoooo!"

Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house.

Someone just clean that floor! Whoo-hoo! Say what-what! Ha-ha!

[Peter just crashed his car]

Man in a canoe: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Peter: Stop mocking me!

Back to the Woods[edit]

Woods: Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.

Peter: Oh, come on!

Joe: You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.

[Peter takes his clothes off and hands them to Woods; he and Woods give Joe a confused look]

Joe: What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!

[Peter appears as James Woods on The Late Show with David Letterman]

Letterman: Wait a minute. You're not James Woods.

Peter: Oh, I believe I am. Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.

Woods: [at home with the Griffins] What the hell is he doing?

Letterman: Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So, uh, now, let me understand this: What are you here to promote, James?

Peter: Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie comin' out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11th, 2000-Fun.

[the studio audience gasps]

Woods: No! No! No! No! No!

Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.

Peter: Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And then I turn around to get off the scaffold, and what do you think I see coming? A plane! And I go, "Come on"! You know, it's real, real old-style comedy, you know, it's like two pies in the face, and one in a field in Pennsylvania.

Letterman: James, I don't wanna hear anymore about this.

Peter: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.

Woods: What?! I would never work with David Spade! That... dwarf. That... skinny chickenshit.

Play it Again, Brian[edit]

TV: We now return to "Damn Nature, You Scary!" on BET.

Announcer: [as a cheetah runs] Damn, look at that sumbitch go! He haulin' ass! That thing come by my house, I kill it! [the cheetah sees a meerkat, catches it, and eats it] That little rat-lookin' thing just got ate! Damn, nature! You scary!

Herbert: [reading Peter and the Wolf to Chris as a bedtime story] "... and they told Peter to stay away from the wolf. But he didn't listen to them..." 'Cause he's his own man. And he knew that sometimes the things that seem the most dangerous turn out to be the most fun! Yes, sir, it was a good day for young Peter... [whistles the theme to "Peter and the Wolf"]

Chris: Are you a pedophile?

The Former Life of Brian[edit]

[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]

Stewie: Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!

Brian: Really?

Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.

Brian: What?

Stewie: Saw me in half.

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

Lois: What?

Peter: What?

Long John Peter[edit]

[Peter comes into the bar with the parrot on his shoulder]

Peter: Hey, guys, what's going on?

Joe: No way!

Quagmire: Cool!

Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?

Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.

Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch!

Peter: Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

Parrot: I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?

[Peter laughs]

Parrot: I had a gay experience at camp!

Peter: [uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?

[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]

Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?

Chris: Anna took a dump on me.

Lois: What?!

Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.

Lois: Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.

Chris: What's the difference?

Lois: Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by- y- never mind.

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Love Blactually[edit]

[At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]

Stewie: Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"

[cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]

Man: You think it's easy working all day?!

Woman: No-

Man: You think I like it?!

Woman: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!

Man: No, I- yeah, I like being away from you, 'cause I can't stand looking at you!

Woman: You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]

Man: Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!

Woman: NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]

Man: I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!

Horton: [to himself] I'm sure there's two sides to this.

Cleveland: [when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait! OHHHH! And boom goes the dynamite.

I Dream of Jesus[edit]

[Peter, Stewie and Brian are sitting at the kitchen table. Brian is reading a newspaper]

Peter: Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? [Brian hands him the paper] Huh, that's odd. I thought that would be big news.

Brian: You thought what would be big news?

Peter: Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.

Brian: What are you talking about?

Peter: Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard.

Brian: Heard what?

Stewie: Brian, don't!

[Peter puts the record on and starts dancing and singing Surfin' Bird]

Peter: You seem like a nice guy. Why don'tcha come over to my house for dinner tonight?

Jesus: Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.

Peter: Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.

[cut to said clip]

Moviefone: Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Matlin: The Last Mimzy.

Moviefone: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Matlin: [impatiently] The Last Mimzy.

Moviefone: You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.

Matlin: No!

Moviefone: You have confirmed 300.

Road to Germany[edit]

Stewie: All right, Brian, we'll go. But don't touch anything while we're there. Even stepping on a mosquito can cause a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.

Brian: Really?

Stewie: Nah. You can do whatever you want.

[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]

Hitler: These filth are making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the solders cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...

Brian: Unless what?

Hitler: Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]

Stewie & Brian: Whenever-

Mort: [stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get in the fucking time machine?!

Baby Not On Board[edit]

Carl: Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.

Chris: Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?

Carl: Yeah. Yeah.

Chris: Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?

Carl: Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.

Chris: I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.

Carl: Did you like the movie?

Chris: Well, that's not the point.

Carl: Did you like the movie?

Chris: Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.

Carl: So, you didn't like the eagle?

Chris: No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.

Carl: Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?

Chris: No.

Carl: Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.

Stewie: Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly-Obese Albert.

[cut to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids; Albert is morbidly obese and sitting in the back of a pickup truck]

Russell: Hey, Morbidly-Obese Albert. We brought you some chocolates.

Albert: Oh, I can't eat those chocolates, on account'a my diabetes. 'Member they had to take my foot?

[the Cosby Kids see that he has one less foot]

Russell: Look on the bright side. Now you get your shoes half-price.

[Albert laughs]

Albert: A'ight. Maybe I'll have one.

[he eats a chocolate]

The Man with Two Brians[edit]

[the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]

Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip.

[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]

Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.

[Still no reaction.]

Stewie: Did you hear what I said?

New Brian: Yeah, what about it?

Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"

New Brian: No, why would it?

Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the H.

New Brian: Sounds right to me.

Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?

New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.

Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.

[the camera widens to reveals Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]

Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

Stewie: No...

Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.

[Stewie groans]

Tales of a Third Grade Nothing[edit]

[Peter is at the spelling bee]

Tom: Okay, our next spelling bee contestant is Omar Mahajar-ifaah... something September 11thy. All right, Omar, your word is "candy".

Omar: Candy. C-A-N-D-Y. Candy.

Tom: That's correct. Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.

[Peter comes up to the microphone]

Tom: Peter, your word is "tree".

Peter: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Tom: There is a tree by the lake.

Peter: Huh. Can you use it in a dirty sentence?

Tom: I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak tree where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I'm watching them have sex with each other.

Peter: T-R-E-E. Tree.

Tom: Correct! (applause)

[Near the end of the spelling bee; only Peter and Omar remain]

Tom: We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar Northtower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".

Omar: C-O-A-G-A...

[Buzzer sounds]

Tom: Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar! [mutters under his breath] Bet you could spell box cutter".

Omar: I'm 9 years old, and I'm Indian! Ugh!

Ocean's Three and a Half[edit]

[Stewie is trying to write a song on his guitar for Susie Swanson]

Brian: What's it called?

Stewie "Susie".

Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.

Stewie: Name 20.

Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".

Stewie: Name 6 more.

Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".

Stewie: Name 5 more.

Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".

[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]

Stewie: Go fuck yourself.

Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.

Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.

Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? Little four minute movie that tells the story of a...

Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Family Gay[edit]

Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?

Peter: Lois, I've got something better! You know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Lois: [gasps, touched] Oh my God!

Peter: That's right, I've bought a horse!

[Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]

Peter: Okay, what's next?

Doctor: This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't actually done anything funny.

[He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]

Peter: [in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.

Doctor: [laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!

The Juice Is Loose[edit]

O.J.: Hi. Are you Peter Griffin?

Peter: That's my name, don't put a knife in it.

West: We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you like we did in 1993!

[cut to Homer Simpson from The Simpsons]

Homer: D'oh!

West: And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!

FOX-y Lady[edit]

Anchorman: Lois, please, take the job for Fox's sake.

Brian: Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!

Savage: That's all I ever wanted people to know.

Lois: Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.

Savage: You've got a deal!

Stern: [as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.

Savage: [angrily] I don't need you anymore!

Stern: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Not All Dogs Go to Heaven[edit]

[Stewie is at a McDonald's Drive-Thru with the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation]

Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.

Stewie: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinkin' "shut up and get a salad".

Spiner: I want some McNuggets.

Stewie: We'll get to you, Brent!

Wheaton: I want a hamburger- no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake.

Stewart: [punches Wheaton's head against the window] You'll get nothing and like it!

Stewie: Uh, hello!

Drive-Thru Teller: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?

Stewie: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [chuckles] Uh, yeah. We're gonna get 2 McChicken Sandwiches and a Diet Coke and... What do you want, Michael?

Dorn: A McDLT.

Stewie: No. I already told you, they don't make those anymore.

Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

Stewie: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore!

Frakes: I'd love a Shamrock Shake if they got any of those.

Stewie: It's September, Jonathan!

Burton: [w/visor on] Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?

Stewie: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

Dorn: I'm just sayin', they have all the ingredients for a McDe...

[a car behind them honks its horn]

Stewie: Just hang on! All right?! There's a lot of us! There's a lot- It's a big order!

Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?

Stewie: It's 3:00!

Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.

Stewie: None of 'em serve breakfast all day!

Dorn: Do they have beer?

Peter: [says grace before the meal] Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu... [laughs] Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

4/20[edit]

Policeman: [after arresting Brian for marijuana possession] I don't appreciate drug addicts in my town! I'm a Family Guy!

Peter: [laughs] He said it!

Tom and Diane: (both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.

Tom: How's the weather look, Ollie?

(cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)

Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.

(cut back to Tom and Diane)

Tom: Right on.

Stew-Roids[edit]

Peter: Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?

Joe: He died in Iraq.

Peter: [unemotionally] Sad.

[Chris and the two girls trample Connie. Peter comes over]

Peter: Oh no! Connie's been hurt! I guess someone should lie on top of her to keep her warm.

[Peter smiles as he lies down on Connie, then he turns to the camera]

Peter: What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

We Love You Conrad[edit]

Peter: You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late night monologues.

[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]

Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it me style".

[laughter; cut to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson]

Ferguson: Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.

[laughter; cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]

Leno: Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!

[laughter]

Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!

Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Three Kings[edit]

Misery

Paul: You fondled me in my sleep?

Stewie: Yep.

Paul: I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

Stewie: Well, it's done.

The Shawshank Redemption

[Red (Cleveland) is reading Andy's (Peter's) letter.]

Andy's voice: Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?

[Red pauses]

Red: CRAP!

Peter's Progress[edit]

[As King Stewart enters the church]

Citizen 1: [gasps] The king!

Citizen 2: The king is here!

Female Citizen: I didn't vote for him!

[After Griffin Peterson establishes his new settlement, Quahog]

Griffin: We will have equal rights for all. Except blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, gays, women, Muslims. Uhmm...Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white, so no Italians, no Polish, just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh...America!

Road to the Multiverse[edit]

[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]

Brian: What the hell? What's happened to us?

Stewie: I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Brian: Look! There's our house!

[Brian and Stewie run towards it]

Stewie: [laughing] Look how gaily we run!

[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]

Brian: Whoa, this is trippy.

Stewie: I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]

R.C. Peter: Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.

[Duke, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-man enter the room]

R.C. Chris: Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, Thundercats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!

Stewie: How does it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

R.C. Chris: Fuck you!

Stewie: Bye!

[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]

Family Goy[edit]

Brian: That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.

[cut to: Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]

Quagmire: See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Spies Reminiscent of Us[edit]

[Peter's impression of John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving impression]

Peter: I'm John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving, pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.

Brian's Got a Brand New Bag[edit]

Peter: [kicks the Drive Thru window] Keep the change. [zoom on Peter] Road House.

Rita: [after breaking up with Brian] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

Brian: [about to set them on the dresser] Here?

Rita: No. The davenport- the chesterfield.

Brian: [about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?

Rita: No. Does that look like a divan to you?

Brian: [about to set them on the windowsill] Here?

Rita: [sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.

Brian: [crossly] You know what? Just take your fucking keys because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. [slams door]

Hannah Banana[edit]

Monkey: Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois: Oh, that's terrible.

Monkey: I fell into a deep depression after the divorce which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Peter: Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.

[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]

Bomber: Allahu Akbar!

[he suddenly crashes]

[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]

Jake: Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!

Tom: [from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.

Quagmire's Baby[edit]

Peter: Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.

Baby: Giggity?

Quagmire: Oooh, I say that...

Bitch Brian: Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid.

Jerome is the New Black[edit]

Brian: I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say [mocks Brian] "Ooh, I'll get you later", but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much. He's you! God, you're pretentious. And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite". And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should [mocks again] "legalize pot, man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You wanna help? Grab a ladle. And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh, wait. You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter because [mocks again] "religion is for idiots". Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?! You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs, puts his napkin on the table, and sets to leave] I'll see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Dog Gone[edit]

[Brian is drinking his sorrows away at the pizza parlor]

Brian: Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke. [camera pulls out to show Bill from Family Circus sitting next to him]

Bill: Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.

Brian: You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and punch your wife in the face?

Bill: You know what? [stands up] That's exactly what I'm gonna do. [walks away]

[later in the episode, Peter is reading the comic strips]

Peter: This is a very shocking Family Circus.

Stewie: Poor bastard's more upset than when I read Curious George Goes to his Gym Coach's Apartment.

[flashback to Stewie reading the aforementioned book]

Stewie: Monkeys aren't supposed to drink chardonnay! He's tricking you! Get out of there!

Business Guy[edit]

Peter: Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.

[cut to a scene at a hospital]

Monitor: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.

Big Man on Hippocampus[edit]

Peter: Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois: Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter: You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, than I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris: Yay!

Lois: Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [all but Peter and Meg gasp] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie: That's your sense of humor?!

Meg: I was just kidding! God!

Lois: Meg, that's awful!

Chris: Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

Brian: That's messed up, Meg.

Meg: I was just trying to be funny.

Lois: That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie: Yeah, that's your father!

Chris: [shoving Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter: Heh, heh, heh.

Dial Meg for Murder[edit]

Joe: You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.

Meg: Oh, well, that's only fair, because, after all, I did hide him from the... [reacts] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Lois: Peter, Meg's been suspended from school.

Peter: That's okay, whatever she wants to do.

Lois: She cracked three kids' skulls open. Ever since she got out of prison, she's been completely out of control.

Extra Large Medium[edit]

Ellen: Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.

Chris: Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?

Ellen: That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.

Go Stewie Go[edit]

[On the Jolly Farm set]

Randall: Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse!

Julie: (to Stewie) It's okay. Randall's just getting into character.

Stewie: Is he playing a dick?

Peter-assment[edit]

Quagmire: If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay.

Quagmire: [to Angela] Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire.

Brian Griffin's House of Payne[edit]

Woods: What a pain in my class!

April in Quahog[edit]

Peter: So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?

Stewie: That's Trap-Jaw, that's Optimus Prime, that's Destro, and that's a Care Bear.

Peter: You having a tea party?

Stewie: No, we're working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime's property line. Destro's the city councilman who's telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]

Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.

Brian & Stewie[edit]

[Brian is about to "clean" a soiled Stewie with his tongue]

Stewie: Okay, now warn me before you do it, because I don't want to be... [stunned falsetto] Moooon Riiiiver!

[Stewie takes a drink of Brian's Scotch]

Stewie: Mmm, I like that! I mean, I like the stuff that comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this too. But I don't wanna get too buzzed! People take advantage of kids when they're drunk. I mean, it would be so easy, and I wouldn't even remember. So don't you try anything!

Brian: "Try anything?" I've already practically french-kissed your butt!

Stewie: Yeah, there was no "practically" about that.

Quagmire's Dad[edit]

[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he throws up for a long time, then screams]

Stewie: What?! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?!

Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER!

Stewie: What?!

Brian: I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!

Stewie: [screams] Why!?

Brian: I didn't know! I didn't know it was her!

Stewie: OH, MY GOD!

[both scream]

Brian: HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!

Stewie: He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!

[after beating Brian up, Quagmire exits the house, closes the door, and starts to walk away, but Brian, now blooded and bruised, but still able to move, lividly opens the door]

Brian: Hey!

[Quagmire turns around]

Brian: I fucked your dad!

[he slams the door]

The Splendid Source[edit]

[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]

Quagmire: What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?

Joe: I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.

Peter: You think they were following us?

Joe: Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.

Quagmire: Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.

Peter: Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.

Rallo: Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.

Something, Something, Something, Dark Side[edit]

Leia (Lois): Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking... nerfherder!

[Han (Peter) punches her in the face]

Han: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown into an asteroid field]

Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!

Han: Look, we've got four or five of the main characters on this ship, I think we'll be fine!

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown out of the worm (Meg) in the asteroid]

Worm: How come I never get any lines in these things?

[Han (Peter) flies the ship back to the worm]

Han: Shut up, Meg.

[as Han is about to be frozen in carbonite]

Leia: I love you.

Han: Fuck off.

Darth Vader (Stewie): C'mon Luke, join the dark side. It's really cool.

Luke (Chris):: Well, who's in it?

Vader (Stewie): Uh, there's me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. Oh, and James Caan.

Caan: I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass.

[Slave 1 flees Cloud City and blasts away with Han.]

Leia (Lois): Oh no! We've lost Han! They've taken him to Jabba's palace!

C-3P0 (Quagmire): Well, even though we know exactly where he is, we should rescue him in three years.

Lando (Mort): Don't worry. We'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter and we'll get Han back.

Chewbacca (Brian): Why are you wearing Han's clothes? [to the home audience] Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Vader (Stewie): Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together — y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know — maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part — but thats a part of it — but it's not- it's not the whole thing.

[after Darth Vader has cut off Luke's right hand, Leia is about rescue him]

Leia (Lois): [through the ships loud-speakers] Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! [beat] I said wave your right hand! [beat] Your right hand!

Luke (Chris): [off-screen] It's me, you fuckers!

Partial Terms of Endearment[edit]

Lois: Peter, this is Naomi.

Peter: Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Lois: Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

Peter: No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!

[cut to God sitting on cloud looking down]

God: Don't mention it, Peter.

Chorus: [sing] God! He knows what turns you on!

God: [to the home audience] Have fun!

[at the end of the episode]

Lois: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.

[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]

Peter: [to the home audience] We had the abortion.

And Then There Were Fewer[edit]

Consuela: [greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.

Stewie: [to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.

Consuela: Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.

Stewie: Oh, my God, seriously.

West: I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.

[cut to his office where we find out that the Mayor-O-Matic 5000 consists of a tape recorder, a broom and a paper plate with a face drawn on it]

Mayor-O-Matic: Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.

Jillian: [upon seeing Woods] Who's he?

Derek: James Woods.

Jillian: Oh, I thought he was a shark.

Derek: No, he was on a show called Shark.

Jillian: But he's made of wood?

Derek: No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.

[Seamus stares angrily]

Stewie: [after Stephanie is killed] I can't help but feel this would be sadder if she wasn't so heavy.

Lois: Oh my God! It was him! It was James Woods! He killed Stephanie!

Peter: Jeez, I knew he was crazy but I didn't think he was a murderer.

Mort: Oh, he must have brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

[The Griffins are driving away from the mansion, only to have lightning strike down a tree and destroy the bridge. Peter stops the car before it goes over]

Lois: Oh, my God! Peter, back it up!

Peter: Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that-that might be a fun thing to do.

Chris: Stop fighting!

Herbert: Whoa-whoa-whoa! All right, look! Everybody but Chris just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.

Diane: He's right. We've just gotta stay calm.

Lois: With a killer in the house?

Stewie: [In a rapper like voice] Killer in da hoouuuuse.

Peter: [scared] Oh my God! I just realised something. James woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next! [cowboy voice] Well, I reckon if I wa a cattle rustler, I wouldn't be afraid.

Lois: Oh, Peter, that's good.

Peter: I know, Lois.

Peter: [dressed in armour] Check it out, I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on, I'm coming down. Go Go Gadget Skis! [Jumps down and crashes into Joe who is knocked out by a vase] Uh-oh.

[after a bookshelf moves revealing a secret room]

Stewie: Neh, my secret room's bigger.

Herbert: Mine's smaller.

[Jillian and Derek check the attic and a black cat jumps out at them]

Jillian: Hey, I bet that cat's the murderer. I'll ask him. Meow meow meow? Meow, meow-meow, meow?

Cat: [imitates Patrick Stewart] We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor.

Derek: Our apologies, sir.

Cat: I should imagine so. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some papers to correct.

Herbert: Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose if I should die, then I just want you to know that, they might find some things. Strange things that don't make much sense to ya.

Chris: Um, okay.

Herbert: And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know from me, it's all gonna be out of context.

Chris: Um...what does that mean?

Herbert: (frantically) It means if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

Brian: Muriel? [opens next door] Muriel? Muriel? [sniffs] Nothing.

Stewie: Well, you actually know what she smells like?

Brian: I know what everybody smells like.

Stewie: Carl?

Brian: Cheetos.

Stewie: Mort?

Brian: Pennies.

Stewie: Derek?

Brian: Brut.

Stewie: Joe?

Brian: Feces.

Stewie: Consuela?

Brian: Pledge.

Stewie: Seamus?

Brian: Wood.

Stewie: Quagmire?

Brian: Wood.

Stewie: Wow.

Brian: You know, I..have to admit, before this Muriel thing, I-I thought you might be the murderer.

Stewie: Oh, my God! So insulted. Y- Trust me, if this were my work, it would be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods?

Brian: How?

Stewie: I would have electrocuted him causing a temporary paralysis, and while he was still conscious but unable to move, I would've reached into his anus and pulled out his lower intestine slowly, hand over hand like a fancy magician scarf trick. Then I would fashion the intestine in a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas stocking stuffer...and then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace, I'd point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?" And stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier. Oh, I forget to tell you, he picked a card earlier.

Brian: Wow! You're an artist.

Stewie: Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up.

Quagmire: Wait a minute... something's not right here. [sniffs] We're short one vagina in this room!

Peter: [after finding Stephanie's underpants] Oh my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants?

Quagmire: Oh, God.

West: They're huge!

Stewie: Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth.

Lois: [laughs] Look, it's got flowers! Ha, I mean why bother? Who's gona see 'em?

Chris: Maybe someone in space. [everyone laughs]

Quagmire: Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

Stewie: [after shooting Diane, who almost shot Lois] If anyone's going to take the bitch down, it's gonna be me.

Excellence in Broadcasting[edit]

Lois: Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.

Brian: Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.

Lois: You want to know what I think is happening here?

Brian: Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.

Lois: I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.

Brian: Oh, please, you could not be more off base.

Lois: Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?

Brian: Horrible, one of the worst movies ever made.

Lois: Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?

Brian: Overrated, just a terrible movie.

Lois: Cocktail.

Brian: Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.

Lois: You make me sick, Brian.

[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]

Brian: Does this mean I'll never see you again?

Rush: Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.

Welcome Back, Carter[edit]

Carter: Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.

Peter: Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ewww!

Carter: No, no, this is my sister.

Peter: Ewww!

Carter: No, no, I'm impotent.

Peter: Ewww!

Carter: I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself.

Peter: Ewww!

Carter: I mean, she's a man.

Peter: Ewww!

[Camera zooms through Peter's mouth to vocal cords, where a few employees suck up the word "EWWW" in a pipe.]

Employee 1: We need more e's and w's down here now!

Employee 2: We're trying, we're running out of letters!

Employee 3: Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!

Employee 2: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can-

Employee 3: I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!

Halloween on Spooner Street[edit]

[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]

Connie: [knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!

[she opens the door]

Connie: You guys!

[she and her friends suddenly react at what they see]

Connie: Oh,... my... God!

[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]

Meg: Chris?

Chris: Meg?

[both scream in shock]

Meg: OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!

Chris: Tryin' to grab some boob!

Meg: From your sister?!

Chris: I didn't know it was you!

Meg: Well, who did you think it was?!

Chris: Some bitch who cares!

Meg: [coughs] Oh, my God! Oh! We did so much!

Chris: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Meg: WE'RE DISGUSTING! WE'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY!

Man dressed as Clinton: [in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!

Baby, You Knock Me Out[edit]

Tom: Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Wetherton: Ah, I think that they are, they are gonna have, they are gonna be fightin' Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be better than usually.

Tom: And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?

Wetherton: Well, the match lasting about up until the particular inaccuracy, but particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, heart of a champion, margarine hat.

Tom: Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.

Wetherton: You're welcome.

Brian Writes a Bestseller[edit]

Stewie: Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.

[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]

Penguin: You wanna get a book published, don'tcha?

Writer: Well, yes.

Penguin: Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.

[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]

Huffington: I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.

[applause]

Brian: You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?

[laughter]

Huffington: What is your problem, Snoopy?

[laughter]

Road to the North Pole[edit]

[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece in line to see the mall's Santa]

Brian: Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?

Quagmire: [not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.

Brian: Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! You excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.

[her eyes fill with tears]

Quagmire: That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.

Stewie: Uh-oh.

Quagmire: Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?

Brian: Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

Quagmire: Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?

Brian: Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.

Quagmire: Who said anything about dying?

Abby: Uncle Glenn, am I dying?

Quagmire: [holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, unhappily gritting his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get outta here.

[Brian and Stewie do so]

Stewie: Should've gone into politics, Bri.

Ron: The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone wanna buy some pot?

New Kidney in Town[edit]

[Peter, still on Red Bull, is on The Price is Right with Drew Carey; it is time for the Showcase Showdown]

Drew: Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.

[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]

Drew: All right. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?

Peter: Oh, yeah, Drew. I wanna say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-Up Deaf Guy!

Drew: [laughs] Okay. Sure they're happy to hear that.

[the wheel suddenly goes out of control and rolls out of position and runs over a few audience members as the rest exit; the wheel crashes through the wall]

Peter: Whoa! Paramedics, come on down!

[he laughs uncontrollably]

And I'm Joyce Kinney[edit]

Bonnie: [after hearing the news about Lois] Ha! Slut!

Friends of Peter G.[edit]

Tom: This man wants to testify!

Peter: Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!

Tom: This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians where, he'd say: Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?

Ollie: Cher!

Tom: He doesn't even like Cher.

German Guy[edit]

The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair[edit]

Meg: Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?

Joe: Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.

Meg: I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.

Joe: That sounds disgusting.

Trading Places[edit]

Tiegs for Two[edit]

[after the fight and breakup]

Brian: Hey, you okay?

Quagmire: Yup. Just waiting for my car.

[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]

Brian: Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.

Quagmire: No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.

Brian: It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.

Quagmire: [admittedly] Yeah, maybe.

Brothers & Sisters[edit]

Brian: Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.

Peter: You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a broster.

[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]

Broster: Hey, Peter, you wanna see my paginis?

Peter: Uh... Uh- I- Uh, I-I don't know.

West: Oh, by the way, I should tell you I got aides.

Carol: What?

West: Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. [points to West's aides]

Aide: Ready to go when you are, sir.

West: Poor guys. They both have AIDS.

[cut to Robert Loggia in a black background]

Loggia: NOT OKAY!

The Big Bang Theory[edit]

Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. [leaves] Hey, where the hell's my banana thing?

Stewie: [appears behind the couch in Brian's banana suit and sings and dances] It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Where he at?

Where he at?

Peter: [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, Stewie! That is so funny! I did not see that comin'! [leaves]

Brian: But that was my thing.

Stewie: I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing.

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Foreign Affairs[edit]

Peter: Now, I know some teachers think they're workin' outside the box when they have class on the lawn, but I'm gonna take it a step further. We're gonna do peyote in the desert.

[cut to Monument Valley; an eagle flies through the sky; Peter drives with Chris and Meg through the desert; clouds pass through the sun; Peter, Chris, and Meg walk on the sand; Peter and Chris look at each other, overwhelmed]

Meg: [dancing] Oh, it's beautiful! Everything is so beautiful! Come dance with me, Dad!

Peter: Soon, Meg. Soon. But first, I must inhale. [inhales] And again. [inhales] And again. [inhales, pause] Let's go to the Hollywood Hills and kill a bunch of people.

It's a Trap![edit]

[Darth Vader arrives on the second Death Star with a group of passengers]

Vader: Oh, my God. That was absolute hell! I just- I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

[Roger as Moff Jerjerrod enters]

Moff: Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home?

Vader: Wow, it's you? Are we already out of our own characters?

Tiaan: What?

Vader: How's the construction going?

Tiaan: Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?

Vader: Yeah.

Tiaan: Well, now there's no trench.

Vader: Great. Is there a hole?

Tiaan: [pause] Yes.

Vader: What?

Tiaan: There is.

Vader: Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives.

Tiaan: The Emperor is coming here?

Vader: Yeah, he loves this place. I was there when he came up with the idea for the Death Star.

[flashback to Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader at the Mos Eisley Cantina]

Emperor: Hey, Darth? Darth?

Vader: Yeah? What?

[the Emperor draws a circle on his coaster]

Emperor: That. That's what.

Vader: What? It's a circle. It's a good circle, I'll give you that.

Emperor: No. No, no. Space station.

Vader: What?

Emperor: Yep.

Vader: What?

Emperor: Yep, it is.

Vader: No way!

Emperor: It is. It is. Big time.

Lottery Fever[edit]

Peter: I just bought a giant room full of gold coins; I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.

[cutaway to giant coin room. Peter enters the room on the diving board in swimwear. He jumps and dives, only to land bloodily injured]

Peter: Aaaaagghh! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaagh!

Seahorse Seashell Party[edit]

Stewie: Don't worry, Brian, I'manna stay on your side all night, alright? Shh, shh... It's okay, it's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? [Brian looks at Stewie. He sees Stewie in a scarier face and voices like Supreme Being with real lips] Do you like my soothing voice? R-r-r-r-r-r-return the map. R-r-r-r-r-r-return what you have stolen from me.

Brian: GAAAAAAGGHH! [Brian gets up from Stewie, runs onto a wall, pushing to a endless hallway until the wall separates and he falls] Daaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhh! [fades to darkness]

Stewie: You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat.

Choir: Stewie just said that!

Stewie: Take it home with ya!

Lois: Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're taking your own problems out on everyone else.

Meg: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my "role-model" mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her? (On DVD, "go to town on her" was replaced with "climb inside her")

Lois: Oh, so what? A...all of those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences.

Meg: Are you? Are you a better person?

Lois: What's your point, Meg?

Meg: My point is with all that irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.

Lois: Alright, well, fine! Okay, I'm not a perfect mother; who is?

Meg: [laughs sarcastically] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to become a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into tiny bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know if I ever want to see you again!

[Lois's lips begins to quiver, and then she begins to sob]

Stewie: [looking at his phone] Oh wow, everybody's already Tweeting "Stewie just said that".

Lois: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry Meg! Can you ever forgive me? Oh God!

[As Lois continues to cry, Peter whispers something in Meg's ear.]

Meg: And you never let Dad stir paint anymore, whatever that means.

Peter: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

Meg Griffin: [to Peter] You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!

[Peter giggles]

Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!

[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]

Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!

Peter Griffin: I like where this is going.

Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!

Stewie Griffin: Hey, watch it.

Meg Griffin: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!

Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!

Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?

Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look, he has crap on his ear.

Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.

Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.

Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!

Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!

Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Broccoli sprout: You're from one town over, so I hate your guts! [the broccoli and Brussels sprout then fight Irish bar style]

[cut back to regular scene]

Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?

Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread!

Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!

Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!

Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!

Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!

Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!

Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter

Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!

Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse!

[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]

Peter Griffin: I didn't ask to be in this family!

Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!

Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!

Brian Griffin: Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.

Meg Griffin: [sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.

Brian Griffin: What do you mean?

Meg Griffin: They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

Brian Griffin: Well, so what? That's not your problem.

Meg Griffin: Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?

Brian Griffin: Well, that's a that's a theory, I guess.

Meg Griffin: I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.

Brian Griffin: Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.

Meg Griffin: You mean that, Brian?

Brian Griffin: Absolutely.

Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q[edit]

Peter: Aww, that yellow lab looks like it's dying.

Lois: Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow. She's fine.

Quagmire: Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard! He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too! God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fechalman.

Peter: You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire: What?

Peter: That's his name?

Quagmire: Well, yeah.

Peter: Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Joe: Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire: Well, why not?

Peter: What do you mean?

Quagmire: The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard!

Joe: Woah, woah, Quagmire, you know I could arrest you just for saying that.

Peter: You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]

Man: I don't know what this "Cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.

[back to the scene]

Joe: Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, It's still murder!

Quagmire: No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them.

Joe: It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [Hears Brenda screaming in fear after Jeff beats her, the three look out the window].

Jeff: WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I GOING TO GET A BEER?!

Brenda: Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.

Jeff: WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!

Brenda: I'm so sorry!

Jeff: HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams in fear again after Jeff beats her].

Joe: Let's waste this dick.

Jeffrey Fecalman: What the Hell?! I killed you!

Quagmire: I choke myself everyday, you bastard!

Brenda: Well, I best be rolling on now.

Quagmire: Come on, who says that?

Joe: It's an expression.

Peter: If you're in a wheelchair.

Stewie Goes for a Drive[edit]

[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]

Brian: Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!

Stewie: About what? What a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! I had to stop the last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened?

Brian: Gee, I don't know. Do YOU know what happened?

Stewie: [chuckles] Sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said how Lois' potatoes "au rotten"?

Brian: Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you laughed at the time, but what the hell happened to my car?!

[Stewie is on TV]

Stewie: Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on a plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For instance, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but after you told her of your intentions said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard for all newly-implemented post 9/11 security measures. And if you were bringing a boombox to play music, I would suggest any one of the six songs:

[the suggested songs scroll over Stewie: "With or Without You" - U2, "Solsberry Hill" - Peter Gabriel, "Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield, "Live Like We're Dying" - Kris Allen, "Thank You" - Dido and "Somebody" - Depeche Mode]

Stewie: So again, ran away. Don't come after me.

["Thank You" by Dido plays as the image fades]

Back to the Pilot[edit]

Stewie: [to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?

Brian: Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?

Stewie: Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!

[cut to an office with the Cookie Monster and a man behind a desk]

Man: What is this?

Cookie Monster: Cookiebook.

Stewie: There it is! We did it, Brian! We made 9/11 happen! High five!

Brian: All right, high five!

[they give each other a high five]

Stewie: Well, that... that probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

Thanksgiving[edit]

Bonnie: Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.

Kevin: Wow! Hey, little sis. I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you didn't get scared when I scream and have night terrors.

Susie: [thought] It's quite alright. I've seen worse.

[cutaway to Susie watching TV; woman screams and squashes are heard]

Susie [voiced by Patrick Stewart]: A human centipede? How ghastly!

Joe: Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.

West: All right, I pick you.

Joe: You can't pick me, I'm a captain.

[cut to living room where an older West is surrounded with seven kids]

West: No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.

Child 1: That's a great story, Grampa.

Child 2: I didn't like it.

[many years later; a much older West is surrounded with twelve kids]

West: None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.

Child 3: Well. I don't like that story, great-Grampa. [West stands up; electrocutes the boy and disintegrates into dust]

West: [breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.

Lois: If anyone has wanted whipped cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

Babs: Oh Lois. That potato salad looks so good.

Lois: OK, mom. That's stuffing. Put your glasses on before you run over another black guy.

Amish Guy[edit]

Lois: I can't belive we're stuck in Amish Country.

Stewie: I thought something was amish. [Brian smacks him on the head]

Lois: We can't be part of a feud with the Amish!

Peter: I didn't start this thing, Lois! But I'munna finish it! [goes into the house and dials the phone] Joe, round up Quagmire and all the modern day technology you can find! We are goin' to war! Oh, oh. Hey, Bonnie. I-Is Joe there? [pause] Well, can I leave a message for 'im? Yeah, yeah. It's what I said before 'bout, eh, th-the war thing.

Amish man: You are banished from our community this instant and take your whore daughter with you!

Cool Hand Peter[edit]

[Peter and the gang get pulled over by a police car]

Peter: Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that southern sheriffs really wanna be talked down to by big-shot northerners.

[Peter puts on a Harvard University sweater and takes out a pipe as the sheriff approaches the car]

Sheriff Nichols: Afternoon.

Peter: [in a snooty voice] Officer, hwhat is it? We are in tremendous urban rush.

Sheriff Nichols: You fellas ain't from around here, are yeh?

Peter: [normal voice] Hey, Sheriff. I'm tryin' to learn southern. Is this sayin' anything? Adoi-doi-doi-doi-doi!

[Peter and the gang are hiding from the sheriff in the sheriff's closet. The sheriff comes in and hears a loud fart]

Sheriff: Who's there!? [cocks shotgun]

Peter: [In a Miss Piggy-like voice] It's just me sweetie.

Sheriff: Oh. Didn't know you were home honey. Whatcha doing in the closet?

Peter: [In Miss-Piggy like voice] Uumm. Wife...things?

[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]

Lois: [slurs words] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room reading a book]

Brian: I'm reading.

Lois: [giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?

Brian: Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying..

Lois: Grab him!

[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]

Brian: What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing? Hey!

Lois: Get his paw! Hold still!

Brian: Hey hey hey! What-?!

Lois: Push him down onto all fours!

Brian: No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!

Lois: If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!

[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]

Donna: Calm down! Calm down!

[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]

Lois: Now, Stewie!

Stewie: [walks in carrying a pistol] Okay, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Joe: I don't think so. You're in my juristriction now sheriff butt breath!

[A couple cops then came out of the train surrounding the deputies with guns]

Joe: You got a lot of nerve driving around my town with a busted headlight, and a busted windshield, and an untreated flesh wound!

Grumpy Old Man[edit]

[the Griffin family watches the Channel 5 news]

Tom Tucker: Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.

Joyce Kinney: But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.

Tom Tucker: [annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.

[Tricia Takanawa is shown outside, where it's packed with snow]

Tricia Takanawa: I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top everytime there is a blizzard.

Douchebag: Yeah, this is nothin'. Guys at work drank a quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

Meg and Quagmire[edit]

Peter: Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Quagmire: Well, Peter. A little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. [a hummingbird appears]

Hummingbird: You give me credit?

Quagmire: Yeah, I just told him.

Hummingbird: [to Peter] I'm the one who told him. [looks both four times and flies off]

Quagmire: So, where is the birthday girl?

Meg: Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire: Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's- I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here. There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]

Peter: Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Brian: Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Peter: Oh my God, You're right!

Quagmire: Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.

Stewie: Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!

Peter: Meg, get in the car! We're going home!

Meg: I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!

Peter: Meg, I'm only gonna say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and get in the damn car!

Meg: Yes, Daddy. [Walks away, sadly, Peter fallows, Lois walks up to Quagmire]

Lois: If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your Cock off and feed it to Brian!

Quagmire: Okay.

Lois: And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month, do you understand me?

Quagmire: Yes ma'am.

Lois: Peter I got us the cabin!

Peter: Yay!

Lois: [Back to Quagmire] I don't want to see your face knocking on our door for at least a month!

Quagmire: Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?

Lois: [sigh angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

The Blind Side[edit]

Stewie: Of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool-down and stretch. [pushes on the stairs and gets a splinter] Aaaggh!

Brian: What? What is it?

Stewie: I've got a splinter! [starts crying]

Lois: [picks him up] Oh my god! Stewie, what is it?

Brian: Oh, he just got a splinter.

Lois: Oh, my poor baby. It's 'cause those stairs are falling apart.

Brian: It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

[Meg is under a roof beam, depressed]

Lois: Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Peter: [to Lois as she rambles about her day at the office] Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing.

[Lois continues rambling]

Peter: She's obviously threatened by you.

Peter: It's ridiculous and I support you fully.

Peter: You can't let them get to you.

Peter: They're jealous of what you have.

Peter: It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Peter: Only you can prevent forest fires.

Livin' on a Prayer[edit]

Peter: Wait a minute, Christian Science? Is that—Is that that thing all them gaybo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff away from other guys' butts? (On the DVD version, "gaybo" is replaced with "homo")

Peter: Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.

Lois: Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on telephone pole?

Peter: [spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.

Lois: Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?

Peter: [cuts the wire] Check.

Lois: Sexy Peter distracting the guards?

Peter: [dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime.

Lois: Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist.

Peter: [shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.

Lois: Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is.

Peter: [appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.

Lois: Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out.

Peter: [slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!

Lois: Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house.

Asian Peter: [shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!

Lois: Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong. [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]

Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream[edit]

[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]

Stewie: Are they not seein' this?

Brian: I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.

Stewie: Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

Brian: Can we say that?

Stewie: Just did.

Lindsey: [dressed as Lois] Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn.

Quagmire: You're welcome. [to Mort, also dressed as Lois] And you're dismissed.

Mort: Do I still get to keep the twenty?

Be Careful What You Fish For[edit]

[Billy and Peter both in the bathroom, Peter is naked]

Billy: Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?

Peter: Yes.

Billy: Where... where is it?

Peter: It's in there.

Billy: Are you sure, so it's like Snuffleupagus down there, is it?

Peter: Oh, the hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

Peter: I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]

Billy: Go on then. We're both men.

Peter: Well... alright I guess.

Billy: There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th... WOAH Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it. [laughs again]

Peter: What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?

Billy: I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "Morbidly" a lot?

Billy: Anyway, I'm off to read Meg's diary. I've only been here one night, but I get the sense we all dislike Meg.

Lois: So, Billy. I hope the couch was alright.

Billy: Yeah. A lot better than the floor. And I should know because I went down on the floor, thinking it was gonna be a lot better than the couch.

Burning Down the Bayit[edit]

Quagmire: I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!

Peter: Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.

[scene fades. Quagmire nervously leans in the bubbly bath, looking down as the soap bubble around him floats higher]

Quagmire: This is worse, Peter!

Peter: Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.

Joe's cellphone: Oh my god look at this fire me , Mort and Quagmire just started!

[Lois visits Peter in prison]

Lois: How could you do this? You have a family!

Peter: For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Killer Queen[edit]

[everyone is cheering as Chris and Yamamoto are eating hotdogs]

Peter: Chris, you're four hotdogs behind. Come on,

Chris: Ohh. I can't eat anymore.

Peter: Remember what I told you.

[a dream cloud comes as Chris remembers]

Peter: I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.

Chris: He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hotdogs, then Moto does the same]

[the buzzer beeps]

Announcer: We have a winner. Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated.

[the crowd cheers as Yamamoto sadly leaves]

Peter: [picks up Chris] Chris, you did it. You're a champion, and now you get your pick of the groupies.

[there are four fat models]

Chris: They're shiny.

Peter: Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

Forget-Me-Not[edit]

[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.

Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.

Brian: Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?

Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?

Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.

Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

You Can't Do That on Television, Peter[edit]

Lois: [telling Peter why he can't run out and take pictures for his book of "lesbian butts in '80s jeans"] Peter, you're not doing that. I got a ton of errands to run, and I need your help around here.

Peter: Well, fine. If I can't do the book, I'm gonna hurt something you love. [opens the closet door, pulls out vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to stab the vacuum bag repeatedly, scattering dust all over the room] *Cough, cough* Ya happy now?

Lois: Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. [indicating Stewie] I don't like fightin' in front of the kids.

Peter: No! I wanna fight in front of the kids! I feed off the excitement of an audience.

Lois: Peter, for once you're gonna stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. [leaves]

Brian: [walks into family room holding cup of coffee and newspaper, and sees the stabbed vacuum cleaner] Whoever did this, thank you.

[Neil and Meg are dissecting pigs in biology class]

Neil: I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman. It's against my religion.

Mr. Kingman: Believe me Neil, it's no thrill for the pig to touch a Jew, either. Okay, how about you, Meg? How are you doing?

Meg: Pretty good. It's kinda cool cutting something that's not me.

Mr. Kingman: [examining Meg's work] Wow, that's some pretty impressive work.

Classmate: It's easy for Meg to dissect a pig because she is a pig! Ha ha ha!

Mr. Kingman: HEY! ... All right, I'll let that one slide.

[Peter places a device, moves the handle and awooga goes the klaxon]

Peter: Uh-oh! Sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home – I hope she doesn't come over here and give me a business. [knocks the table three times. he picks up a poorly designed puppet version of Lois in a high tone] Peeter! [normal tone, irritable] Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. [high] Never mind with 'hi'! It's sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that. [normal, brusquely] Hey, kids, meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh?

Kids: Noo!

Peter: What can I do for ya, Saggy Naggy? [high, bawled] You can stop havin' fun! [normal, bugged] But we like fun – don't we, kids?

Kids: Yes!

Peter: [high, incredulous] Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and how we fold sheets! [to Peter] And you! You're gonna help me around the house, take out the garbage and give Stewie his bottle. [cut to Stewie on the couch in sunglasses thru his cellphone]

Stewie: Yeah, I heard it – he say my name on TV all the time, calm down, bitch.

Mr. and Mrs. Stewie[edit]

[Lois covers her ears in bed. Zooms out to Peter hold a gigantic plume feather in the form of a quill pen, and begins to write]

Peter: "Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.

Lois: [sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed!

Peter: [writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."

[Two weeks after Stewie planted a bomb set to explode when Mort opens his wallet. Mort strolls thru the sidewalk with Stewie and Penelope behind]

Penelope: Oh, bloody hell, how do you go two weeks without opening your wallet?

Stewie: Yeah, he's been out to dinner like four times!

Penelope: We're clearly not going to get him this way.

Stewie: I know. Which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand.

[Mort stops abruptly and burps into his hand; a giant explosion engulfs the scene, then settles and Mort lands onto the pavement]

Mort: Ooohh, I better make sure my wallet's okay. [gets his wallet, opens it and explodes again]

[Lois leaves the en-suite, then stops. Zoom out and Peter is on his twin bed next to Quagmire]

Lois: Peter, what's going on?

Peter: Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.

Lois: [giggly] You can't be serious.

Peter: [deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–

Lois: Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.

Peter: Okay, that's the one thing that's not.

Quagmire: Yeah, it's not strange.

Lois: I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]

Quagmire: [to Peter] It's not strange.

Peter: I know.

Leggo My Meg-O[edit]

Peter: [on the phone] I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wrist-watch. You can have one of them.

Voice on Phone: (Speaking French)

Peter: These guys are serious. [to Lois] Lois, Meg's dead! Maybe we can replace Meg with Courtney Nolan!

French Abduction Scout: [dying words after being run over by a bus] Oh no... I have chateau-ed myself...

Tea Peter[edit]

Quagmire: Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?

Peter: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

Chris: Wait'll you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.

Pastor: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[lifts Quagmire to top with a giraffe]

Quagmire: I'm glad we waited.

[NINE MONTHS LATER]

[the giraffe grimances and, thump! A little giraffe with Quagmire's head stands up, looks direct at Quagmire]

Giraffe Quagmire: Giraffity!

Quagmire: Yeah see, that's not mine.

Ryan Phillippe: Would anyone like to be impregnated?

Brian: Hey! So how's that Tea Party goin', huh? More like TP Party. [pause] Toilet paper.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #2[edit]

[Mayor West approaches a damaged Peter]

Mayor Adam West: Boy, that looks enticing. [hold a rod, and lightning electrocutes him] Yeah, this is nice.

Stewie: I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Quagmire: Hey, kid. Cm'ere. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Stewie: Why don't you go and hump a pile of garbage?

[Stewie is underneath Brian's car, which comes to a stop. Stewie looks to the left and spots Herbert underneath a school bus.]

Herbert: Hey there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for we, don't we?

Stewie: Stay away from my brother's butt.

Peter: Hey, is that my froggy butt cloth?

Internal Affairs[edit]

[Peter rear-ends another car behind him]

Peter: Oh, my God! Buddy, I'm so sorry! Are you all right?

[the door of the car behind him opens and it is none other than the Giant Chicken]

Stewie: Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Peter: Jeez, every cop in the town is here.

Quagmire: I know. Who do ya think's taking care of the city?

[Consuela is in the middle of an intersection]

Consuela: No. No. No. No. [mops a puddle]

Driver: What the hell? Come on!

Consuela: No drive, is wet.

Peter: Breaker-breaker 1-9, what's your 20?

[indistinct blabber on the radio]

Peter: Aw, it's so hot just knowin' you're in a truck.

Bonnie: You're right on time, Kevin just woke up screaming from his afternoon nap.

Kevin: Mom, it's my birthday and you invited your friends?!

Bonnie: All yours are dead!

[Bonnie enters her room and angry at Joe, Quagmire looks at the baby monitor]

Quagmire: Uh-oh! The baby monitor!

Joe: What? The baby monitor?

Bonnie: You cheated on me?!

Joe: Uh, I, uhh...

Bonnie: You bastard!

Joe: Bonnie, please!

Bonnie: After all I do for you, this is how you repay me!

Joe: Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy, huh?

Bonnie: I never slept with Francois!

Joe: What?! But, Peter said-

Peter: Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him?

Lois: No, Peter! I said she wanted to!

Joe: DAMN IT, PETER!

Peter: Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am generally correct about most things.

Joe: Eh, You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now.

Bonnie: What?! Driving you away?! Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?!

Lois: Maybe, we should all leave.

Joe and Bonnie: NO!

Joe: Everyone stays! I want this to be a disaster! Because, this has been a long-time coming! You care about nothing except yourself!

Bonnie: You son of a bitch! I got a license to operate a sex crane of you!

Joe: And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (imitating Bonnie) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea!

Bonnie: I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex! I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch!

Joe: (screaming) I WANT A DIVORCE!

Bonnie: You got it!

Chris: Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa?

Lois: No, Chris, it does not; that doesn't even make any sense.

Stewie: [being attacked by a gorilla] Why did the sign say "not an exit"?! It should've just said "gorilla door"!

Into Fat Air[edit]

Lois Guess who I just ran into at the market? Ross Fishman!

Peter: Your old boyfriend? The one with the penis?

[competing over dinner with Ross Fishman]

Peter: Shirts off! I want to see who's got bigger pecs. [tears off his shirt]

Lois: Peter!

Peter: Well, they look better when they're oiled up. [to Chris] Pass the salad dressing. Oh no, it's an almost empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. [squirts whatever is left onto his body] Eh, it's all out. [to Chris] There's dressing on that salad! Gimme that salad! [puts some salad onto his body] Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross?!

Ross: Well, this year perhaps our biggest trip ever. We're climbing Mt. Everest.

Peter: Oh yeah? Is that right? Well, so are we!

Lois: We are?

Ross: Peter, I highly doubt that. I mean, no offense, but it doesn't look like your family would be up to the task.

Brian: I think he's right about that. After all, we couldn't even turn the double play.

[Cut to the Griffins on a ball field, with Peter on second base]

Peter: Alright, Griffins, on the ground, we're goin' second. Let's turn two here. Ground ball's a double play ball plays in second. Let's look sharp. Tough D, tough D. Let's flash that leather. Head in the game. Play's at second. This infield is a Great Wall of China, nothin's gettin' past us. Good D, behind ya, Bri, good D all around. [a fastball punches Peter in the throat, changing his voice to sound like Stewie] I'm okay, everyone. Don't worry. I am okay. My voice sounds weird, I know, but I feel fine.

Ratings Guy[edit]

Lois: Oh, Stewie. How exciting, your first visit to a real fire station.

Peter: Yeah, you kids always loved your first trip to the fire station. You remember when we took Meg?

[Cut to Lois and Peter walking up to the station door with baby Meg. Lois places baby Meg on the doorstep and runs off immediately with Peter]

Stewie: [imitating Peter] My name's Peter, and I work in the brewery. [putting on Peter's pants] Now I'm gonna put on my pants and talk to my co-worker's a - [in normal voice] - these pants have stool in them.

Peter: Hey, Chris, you think it's safe to drink from a fire hose?

Chris: Why not, Dad? It's just water.

Peter: Alright, turn it on. I'm very thirsty.

[Chris turns the hose full to Peter's face, which after stops there's nothing but his skull]

Peter: Nice job, Chris. You got my shirt wet.

Quagmire: Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster!

[a lightbulb appears over Peter's head]

Peter: I think I just got an idea. [he stands up and breaks his head on the lightbulb] AAAAAH! I got glass in my face! Aw, crap. Now I forgot what it was. [another lightbulb appears] I got it! [stands up and breaks the second lightbulb] AAAAAAH! Son of a bitch!

[Peter runs up to two men at the Television Producers Guild]

Man #1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Peter: I'm Peter Griffin. I'm the guy who ruined television and I'm the guy who's gonna fix it.

[Homer Simpson runs up to Peter and the two men]

Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!

Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

The Old Man and the Big 'C'[edit]

Peter: I learned how to do a somersault. [Peter tries to do it, but falls over] Did I do it?

[after Quagmire was revealed to have been wearing a wig]

Peter: I guess all the time Quagmire should've been saying "Wiggity".

Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.

Yug Ylimaf[edit]

Stewie: You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!

Brian: Oh, come on! They're not all bad.

Stewie: Oh, yes. I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer, she was a real prize.

[Cutaway to Peter, Lois, and Brian and his date at dinner]

Lois: How are you enjoying your meal?

Woman: L-L-L-L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.

Peter: Oh, for cryin' out loud. [walks up to the thermostat and turns up the heat]

Lois: Peter, why are you turnin' up the heat again?

Peter: Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Stewie: Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

Brian: Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.

[We angle on the sidewalk. A backwards walking Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts on the sidewalk, then continues]

Brian: Okay, now I get it.

[Stewie and Brian hear groaning]

Stewie: What the devil is that?

Brian: It's Peter and Chris; sounds like they're in trouble.

[They go to the family room and they see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]

Stewie: My God, why is there so much vomit everywhere

Brian: [points at a bottle] Is that the Ipecac bottle? [suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this!

Stewie: Oh God, it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going- UUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLEEEEEP!

Brian: [panicked] OH DEAR GOD...! UUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLEEEEEEP! Oh! OOOOH! [He and Stewie back away and get on the couch then vomit gets on Brian's head] AAH, WHAT THE HELL?!

Peter: [holds Brian's ears] UUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEP!

Stewie: I don't wanna... I don't wanna... UUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEP!

Chris: Dad, I'm scared. UUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEP! [Cries]

Stewie: Oh, God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! BLLLLLLLEEEEAAAARRRGGH! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLEEEEEP! FUCK!

[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths and groan in disgust]

Brian: Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!

[As the Griffins leave after Stewie just been born]

Chris: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you?

Lois: Chris, that's ridiculous!

200 Episodes Later[edit]

Stewie: Watch your back, Simpsons, we're less than halfway there.

Joe's Revenge[edit]

[Peter makes the "I'm watching you" sign]

Joe: What is that?

Peter: Let's use our eyes ... to see.

Brian: Stupid cat!

Peter: Quagmire and I'll help you bring this guy to justice!

Quagmire: [through clenched teeth] Peter, what'd I say about you volunteering me for shit?

Lois Comes Out of Her Shell[edit]

Lois: Do me, Peter. Do me right in the basement.

Peter: I'm gonna get our old mom back! Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, UG-LAAAAAY!

Friends Without Benefits[edit]

Quagmire: How're you girls doin' on popcorn?

Girl: I'll take some.

Quagmire: Here ya go. [tilts popcorn containter towards girl with his crotch.]

Lois: Meg, Kent's here!

Meg: Just putting on my lipstick! [shaves, cuts] Dammit!

Stewie: Rupert, did you hear that? Meg's boyfriend is in love with me. Not that I care, I mean, it won't matter once I explain to him what's going on with us. But what would I tell him is going on with us?

Stewie: Dear God, I have a shoe appointment in the morning and I want to be fresh!

[Cutaway shows Lois in hosptial bed with baby Meg whose heart is beating on the top of her head]

Dr. Hartman: Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there so, she should probably always wear a hat.

Lois: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a buncha times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.

Peter: Lois, can I go slip'n'slide in the yard?

Lois: Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?

Peter: Yes, almost.

Lois: Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.

Peter: Yay, poor people water fun!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph![edit]

Joseph (Peter): Y'know, this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. Was back when they were like "Drown all the girls!" and then they were like "Don't drown all the girls!", but she was born on a drowning week so y'know. Achoo!

Donkey (Meg): So you guys are goin' to Bethlehem, huh? I went there one time on a donkey's night out. Oh my God; I got sooo hammered!

Joseph (Peter): [trying to have sex with Mary/Lois] I can't believe how hard you're making me work.

The Virgin Mary (Lois): Well, I did have a good virginity coach.

[cutaway]

Consuela: No, no, no.

The Virgin Mary (Lois): Okay, I think I got it. How's this?... [in Consuela's accent] No, no, no.

Consuela: No, no, no.

Space Cadet[edit]

Peter: Hey, what's that in there?

Guide: That's a sensory deprivation room that prepares our astronauts for the terrifying emptiness of space.

Peter: Aw cool! Hey, c'mon, Brian. Try it with me. [both enter. Guide closes the door; both scream and exit with heads in each other's bodies]

Peter: Things got crazy so fast!

Peter: We were talkin' about Meg. We-we call her Chris so she doesn't know.

Meg: [off-camera] Fuck you!

Peter: Shut up, Chris!

Peter: A week ago, we call him stupid and now he's given tours at a space shuttle. Negative reinforcement, that's the key. [kicks Stewie] Right, stupid?

Stewie: Ow! I'll do better!

Lois: Everyone, strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand!

Stewie: No, thank you. I prefer to die giving you the finger. [Stewie does so]

Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Meg: [touring the shuttle with Chris] So do you know how all this stuff works?

Chris: Well, I don't know what most of these buttons do, but I know this big red one is the one you press to launch.

Stewie: Ooo! Big red button!

Brian: [as they are being blasted off] You know what? You only live once. I am sticking my head out the window. [he does] YES! THIS IS THE BEST PART OF WHATEVER'S SO ENJOYABLE ABOUT THIS!

Brian: What are you doing?

Chris: Saving our lives.

Peter: I wish he hadn't said that. Now I'm kinda rooting against him.

Brian's Play[edit]

Stewie: What the fuck are you talking about? The play I wrote, have you seen it?

Stewie: You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".

[Cutaway]

Peter: I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.

Lois: No, Peter.

Peter: "Little" means mouse?

Lois: No, Peter.

Peter: I feel so old and in the way.

[Present]

Brian: It's still a good play!

Stewie: It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from "Seinfeld".

Brian: I never saw that episode.

Stewie: I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!

The Giggity Wife[edit]

Peter: Where will you two be fucking going on your scummymoon? And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

Peter: Your new wife is a human toilet.

Lois: Welcome to our home, Charmisse. Sit on my lips you like. That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good.

[As Charmese sits next to Meg]

Stewie: Meg, you look good next to her.

Quagmire: I need you to have sex with me while she watches.

[Long silence]

Peter: I have some demands.

Quagmire: What the fuck is going on with my life?!

Valentine's Day in Quahog[edit]

[Stewie throws up and returns to the present after realizing the infant girl he fell in love with and kissed is his mother]

Brian: Oh my God. Stewie, what happened?

Stewie: (Furiously) NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED!

Brian: (Angrily) Geez, you kissed your mother with that mouth? (Stewie throws up again while Brian recoils)

[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]

Lois: Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

[she disrobes and turns on the light to find she's standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]

Stewie: No, but I'm ready for therapy.

[In the morning]

Quagmire's date: [after sex] I thought we could get some breakfast.

[Quagmire flips a switch and the girl is dropped into a mine car and sent out the front door]

Quagmire: Clearly, you're not familiar with how this works.

Chris Cross[edit]

Herbert: Sweet dreams, Chris.

[Herbert turns the lights off. Chris turns them on; Herbert's bed is moved closer to Chris]

Chris: I'm not really tired yet.

Lois: That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?

Stewie: That kid was Indian and eleven years old. Where are you finding my friends?

Call Girl[edit]

Lois: It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp.

[Peter and Lois are in a passionate embrace on the sofa]

Stewie: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?

Joe: Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.

Quagmire: I wasn't gonna.

Joe: Good. Don't.

Quagmire: [Impatiently] I said I wasn't!

Joe: Good. Don't.

Quagmire: Joe, you telling me not to has no effect on me whatsoever. I will not get married.

Joe: [Defiantly] Perfect. ...don't.

Joe: Quagmire, you should never meet one of those sex operators.

Quagmire: [Impatiently] Yeah that's what I said... I wouldn't do it!

Joe: Good. Don't.

Quagmire: [Angrily] J-Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I already am not doing! I know I should never meet one of those sex operators ever!

Joe: Good. Don't.

Turban Cowboy[edit]

[Peter to the pilot before he skydives]

Peter: Thanks for the lift, Gil. I think I'll take the express down.

[the phone rings]

Lois: Hello?

[it's Peter]:

Peter: Is dinner almost ready?

Lois: Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.

Peter: Pull back my chair ever so slightly.

[Lois complies and Peter crashes through the ceiling of the house]

Peter: Ahh, Daddy's home.

12 and a Half Angry Men[edit]

Peter: I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!

[Quagmire whispers in his ear]

Peter: Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well, I don't know.

[The Griffin family are all taking a bath together]

Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?

Peter: Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked buncha bitches!

Judge: We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.

[Pans over jury, which shows Peter at two ends]

Peter: I switched seats.

Peter: Enough!... was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live to expectations.

Quagmire: And now to take my position. This is what I call the butterpat.

Stewie: There's a maniac out there! He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes and slitting their throats! [the lights suddenly go out] ...And we're dead.

Bigfat[edit]

Pope: Hi. I don't know who to complain to about this, but I keep getting XVIII's mail. Yeah, no, no, he's not here anymore. This is XXIV. Yeah. No, I don't need Newsweek. No, I don't need National Geographic. Yeah...I...No, I'll...I'll hang onto Boy's Life.

[Peter sees Roger when they greet the new neighbors, the Smiths]

Peter: What the hell kind of dog is that?

Roger: [indicates Meg] I was going to ask you the same thing.

[Hank Hill wakes up from a nightmare of his wife, Lois, sleeping with Peter]

Hank Hill: Ahh, dammit. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Peter: Lift up the shades, there's a man on the wing! [Joe lifts up the shades] I'm the man on the wing.

Joe: Are you crazy?!

Quagmire: I don't know if I can pull out of this, Giggity.

Stewie: [weakly] You... look... fat.

Peter: [sighs] I'm bored.

Quagmire: Peter, you made me crash the damn plane!

Peter: Okay, I know you're a pilot and everything, but not everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you, Quagmire.

Total Recall[edit]

Peter: [in a deep voice] I even won a deep voice contest with Joe.

Joe: [in a deep voice] I heard you coming.

Peter: I made myself heard.

Joe: Where have you come from?

Peter: I've come from where I've been.

Joe: You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?

Peter: Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.

Referee: Winner!

Peter: Look, Lois! I have my friends and you have groceries and all those rusty pink razors in the shower. Now just stick to what's intended for you and leave my things to me.

Save the Clam[edit]

Chris: Hey, Meg. Who's your date? He looks like a real stiff.

Peter: There's only one drinking spot for us and it's the Clam.

Quagmire: But Peter, it's closed. We can't go in there.

Peter: Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?

[a man whispers into Quagmire's ear]

Quagmire: My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Meg: [puts make up on corpse] Wow, that really works. Hm, maybe I'll try that on myself.

Meg's boss at the morgue: Oh, eh... You have what we call a "closed-casket-face".

Farmer Guy[edit]

Lois: [to Peter] I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

[cut to a cutaway of Peter walking by a hole in the ground, he stops to look at it]

Peter: Is that my ass?

Meg: You guys. I think this is a meth lab.

Lois: Oh my god. You mean like as in D-R-U-G-S? Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?

Stewie: What's going on? What are you guys talking about?

Lois: Uh oh, someone's getting cranky. [picks up Stewie] I think he needs an N-A-P.

Stewie: What's happening? Where are you taking me? Man, I got to crack this code.

Roads to Vegas[edit]

[one set of Brian and Stewie teleport into Las Vegas]

Brian: Oh my God, Stewie. It worked! We're in Vegas.

Stewie: Yeahhh, alright! So let's hit the hospital, get checked out for teleportation cancer and then part-tyyyy!

[Brian and Stewie are on the hotel balcony ready to jump]

Stewie: Well... this is it.

Brian: I guess so.

Stewie: Count to three?

Brian: Yep.

Brian and Stewie: 1... 2...

Brian: 3! [jumps]

Stewie: [hangs onto the rail] I'm sorry, I can't! I want to live! I didn't really think we were gonna do it!

Brian: [falls to his doom] YOU DICK!

Stewie: Oh my God! Brian! Brian, no! Good Lord! What have I done?! [tries to run out of the room] I better get the hell out of here! [trips over a backpack that money came out of] What the deuce? Where did this come from? [slides the money tops] Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

[The Brian and Stewie clones arrive at their poor hotel]

Brian: Oh my god! This place is a dump!

Stewie: [looking at a leaflet] Let's not be so quick to judge. Says here there's a continental breakfast. Oh, the continent is Africa.

Brian: Stewie, this place is a complete pit! Don't ya think it's weird we have to keep checking in every 20 minutes?

Stewie: [continues reading] Also, the porn's free, but we have to watch it from the lobby.

No Country Club for Old Men[edit]

Brian: Hey, so eeeh... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.

Stewie: Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape.

Brian: Just don't fucking say anything, okay?

Finders Keepers[edit]

Peter: [to Lois] I want you on my team for everything... except for sports.

[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]

Stewie: Ah! Friendly fire!

[a group stands graveside]

Quagmire: We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers?

Herbert: [in mining gear] I dig kids.

[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]

Chris: Why are your nipples poking into me?!

Meg: Sorry! That happens when I'm cold.

Chris: But why are there 3 of them?!

Meg: There aren't! Two of them are moles.

Chris: Those numbers still don't add up!

Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.

Peter: Hey, Lois.

Lois: So, what happened? You find your treasure?

Peter: No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Vestigial Peter[edit]

Chip: Her voice! It's like God sneezing!

[after Chip has sex with Angela]

Peter: [glumly] Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats.

Teacher at a PTA meeting: So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming.

Cheetah: Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.

[all the parents sigh]

Teacher: I'll bring that up to the board.

Cheetah: Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and [laughing] he-h-here we are again.

[Peter is at the bar talking to his friends about Chip]

Quagmire: Remind me again. Chip is that African kid you adopted?

Peter: No that's Chocolate Chip. We gave him back to Kenya.

Quagmire's Quagmire[edit]

[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]

Sonja: Giggity.

Quagmire: That's my word.

[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]

Joe: Quagmire, you in there?!

[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]

Peter: Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!

Ida: Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen?

Peter: Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away.

A Fistful of Meg[edit]

Meg: He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral!

[cutaway to a graveside service, where Peter runs in and throws Meg's dead corpse under another casket]

Peter: Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole.

[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]

Meg: Chris, you have my back, right?

Chris: I don't know. [lifts up his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne] Yeah.

Boopa-dee Bappa-dee[edit]

Man: You renounced your citizenship?

Peter: Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook."

[the morning after sex in Italy]

Lois: Last night was the best sex I ever had.

Peter: Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.

Lois: What are you talking about?

[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]

Peter: Kids, I've got an announcement...

Stewie: [sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.

Peter: We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.

Brian: What?!

Meg: Are you kidding?

Stewie: Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.

[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]

Chris: What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]

Stewie: [in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.

Life of Brian[edit]

Stewie: [sees a car heading towards Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]

Lois: [runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg] Oh my God! [runs to Brian] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!

Peter: Holy crap! What the hell happened?!

Squirrel: [runs to Brian, kicks his face, spits] That guy sucked! [runs away]

[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying its head]

Peter: Aren't you supposed to be running around?

Chicken: Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Stewie: Dammit, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good!

[Brian groans]

Lois: You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something.

Brian: [last words] You've... You've given me a wonderful life... I love you all... [smiles gently before quietly passing away]

Doctor: [checks his heartbeat, but no reponse] I'm sorry... He's gone.

Chris: [voice breaking] Oh my God... He's...

Lois: [voice breaking] Yes, Chris... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that our Brian is dead.

Into Harmony's Way[edit]

Quagmire: [meditating] I can be Giggity. I can be Goo.

Stewie: Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

Chris: So did you get a lot of trim on the road?

Peter: [nodding] Chris, that's wildly inappropriate.

Quagmire: What was Simon without Garfunkel?

Peter: Wildly successful?

Christmas Guy[edit]

Lois: It's Stewie's first Christmas!

Stewie: Again?

Vinny: Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here?

Vinny: Georgette, I'm coming home.

Stewie: Who the hell is Georgette?

Stewie: Hey, who are you talking to out here?

Brian: A pretty awesome guy.

Brian: Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.

Stewie: Oh, oh, w... we could, we could never do something like that, Brian!

Brian: Thanks for everything, Stewie. You're my best friend, and I love you.

Stewie: All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now.

Peter Problems[edit]

[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]

Stewie: You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Lois: Oh, Peter, you're up.

Stewie: That's not what I heard.

[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]

Lois: This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you.

Grimm Job[edit]

Peter: Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or a porn. Let's find out.

Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire: Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's truffet.

[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]

Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.

Brian's a Bad Father[edit]

Quagmire: [to Peter] You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!

[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]

Lois: Come on!

[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]

Peter: I'm doin' somethin'. [chews] One thing at a time!

Mom's the Word[edit]

[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]

Angela: So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.

Peter: [under his breath] You do everything gross.

3 Acts of God[edit]

Quagmire: C'mon, guys! It's game time!

Peter: Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway] Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.

Darth Vader: You gonna need me this week?

Peter: Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?

Gay Man: Over here.

Peter: No, no, no. The really cartoony gays.

Cartoony Gay Guy: Yoooo-hoooooo!

Peter: There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.

Cleveland: Hey, Death. What are you doing here?

Death: Actually, I'm...here for your show.

Cleveland: Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation.

Peter: And you still won't give us an Emmy?! Come on! If Modern Family did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!

Fresh Heir[edit]

Chris: Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.

Peter: Okay, are you a television set of the Internet?

Chris: No.

Peter: Oh, then no.

[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]

Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!

Peter: It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.

Peter's Twin: Christmas?

Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.

Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?

Peter: You've overstepped! No Christmas!

Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.

Chris: Let me show you something...

[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]

Carter: That... was... amazing! And Linda Carter wasn't actually here?

Chris: No, that was just in your mind!

Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?

Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.

Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.

Secondhand Spoke[edit]

[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]

Stewie: That was a stroller, not a speedbump.

Chris: What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?

Stewie: I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."

Herpe the Love Sore[edit]

Tough guy: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.

Peter: Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning.

[Peter receives a package that is actually addressed to Quagmire]

Peter: Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".

Lois: Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.

Peter: Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?

Lois: Do not open that box!

[in a cutaway, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are walking along the yellow brick road, but stop when they see the Cowardly Lion standing in front of them]

Cowardly Lion: Hey. I'm the Rational Lion. So fuck you guys.

The Most Interesting Man in the World[edit]

[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]

Joe: I think next time you should bring someone else.

[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]

Stewie: Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind?

[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]

Chris: How were all your business trips?

Peter: Oh, exemplary, Chris.

Chris: I don't understand what either of those words mean.

Stewie: One of them was "Chris."

Peter: Shall we away for "relations."

Lois: I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump!

Lois: What's wrong with you, Peter?

Peter: Lois, I'm sorry.

Lois: How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?

Peter: Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.

Lois: Oh, no, I'm not! You're an idiot!

Peter: You don't mean that.

Stewie: [Stewie looks Facebook on the phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird?

Lois: Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed the line. You let the helpless baby in the public park. And that's only an idiot would do!

[Lois walks away]

Peter: I'm not an idiot!

Baby Got Black[edit]

Peter: Awesome!

[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]

Lobster: Hey, Chris...these [clacks its claws] on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha.

Chris: [to a passing waiter] Kill that one.

Meg Stinks![edit]

Skunk: [to Brian] Oh, you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this!

Brian: Holy crap! I'm so much faster on all fours!

[Lois and Peter discuss Anal Roberts University]

Peter: That is a tough, tough place to get into. That is tough. But once you're in there, you'll be surprised how much you like it.

[after Stewie has been jailed for teaching his penis at Mardi Gras]

Stewie: The rules of this city are very unclear.

[Peter reveals he would have rather have been a podiatrist but gave it up to become a family man]

Meg: You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me.

Peter: I don't hate ya, Meg. You're my kid.

He's Bla-ack![edit]

Cleveland: Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]

Peter: [normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!

Joe: Hi!

Quagmire: Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!

Cleveland: Alright, I knew this was comin', everybody gimme your best shot.

Quagmire: Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!

Joe: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.

Cleveland: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.

Quagmire: That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!

Cleveland: This is good. This is constructive.

Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after Season 2.

Cleveland: It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.

Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form.

Joe: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?

Cleveland: Anything else?

Peter: Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.

Cleveland: I...I don't have a DVD player.

Stewie: Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now!

Chap Stewie[edit]

[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]

Stewie: She is camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard.

[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters]

Peter: Toast house!

[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]

Peter: Lois, what the hell did you do? I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn.

Lois: WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.

Peter: That wasn't me! Must've been one of the kids!

Lois: That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!

[in a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]

Peter: Well, you know something, I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!

Lois: Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me!

Peter: Well then, maybe I should just leave!

Lois: And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!

Stewie: And now for the closer.

The Simpsons Guy[edit]

Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.

Stewie: Springfield, eh? What state?

Brian: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.

Lois: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.

Brian: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

Peter: Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis.

Lois: Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.

Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.

Peter: [to Apu] Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland!

Homer: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.

Peter: Mmm. Yummy. Donut.

Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut...

Peter: Mmm...donut...

Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along juuuuuuust okay.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Stewie: "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"?

Brian: Probably more popular.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'.

Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm lookin' for a friend, last name Ki-Bum, first name Lee.

Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Ki-Bum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Lee Ki-Bum?

Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped!

Bob Belcher: Yeah, we did it!

Homer: What's he doin' here?

Peter: Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try and look what happened.

Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NO!

[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]

Peter: That's pretty good, right?

Homer: No. It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.

Peter: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.

Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.

Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.

Moe: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud.

Homer: Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there!

Ralph: Heh-heh, I'm in danger.

Krusty: TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple.

Kodos: Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves.

Peter: It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... [the radioactivity wears off] Oh, I talked too long.

[Homer attempts to choke Peter]

Peter: What the hell? That really hurts!

Homer: No it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time!

Peter: You strangle your own son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time!

Homer: That's your son!

Peter: [Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them] Hey, that's no fair! I don't got none of them!

[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]

Peter: We're gonna make it!

Homer: Trust me, we're not.

Comic Book Guy: Worst Chicken fight Ever.

The Book of Joe[edit]

Brian: Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow!

Parent: You're awful!

Peter: Applause is customary.

Baking Bad[edit]

[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]

Boy: We should probably exchange numbers.

Stewie: Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4.

Tom Tucker: Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot.

Mosquito: Hi, I'm the new nurse.

Lois: Get outta here. The blood's not for you.

Mosquito: Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again.

Brian the Closer[edit]

[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]

Brian: Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there.

Bonnie: Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? [Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff] I'll take it.

Turkey Guys[edit]

Lois: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!

Peter: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on Evan Almighty! Zap!

Lois: Chris, are Brian and your father back yet?

Chris: No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's?

Stewie: It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird.

[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]

Lois: Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue!

[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by Train on the radio in Brian's car]

Peter: Brian, I love Train.

Brian: I fucking love Train.

[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]

Brian: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!

Peter: I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.

The 2000-Year-Old Virgin[edit]

Joe: Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?

Peter: Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure[edit]

Rupert: Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight!

1st German Soldier: Heil Hooters!

Otto: Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".

[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]

Chris: This would make a great movie.

Our Idiot Brian[edit]

Brian: I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.

Stewie: Hey! We have fun.

Ruth: Your mom's so fucking hot!

Brian: [repeated line, after Stewie has tried to make him cultured after visiting the opera, going to yoga and to a fancy restaurant]This isn't the Kenny Chesney concert!

This Little Piggy[edit]

[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]

Stewie: Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.

Brian: What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?

Stewie: How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes?

Brian: Okay, you can have those.

Stewie: You just gave away the store mister.

Dr. Finklestein: [discovers cash in the dead man's billfold] It's a five! A five!

Quagmire's Mom[edit]

Stewie: [whispering to Brian] Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes.

Judge: I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!

[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]

Female Voice: Oh no you don't!

[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]

Quagmire: Mom?

All the men in the courtroom: Crystal?

Encyclopedia Griffin[edit]

Lois: Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just...

Chris: It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home?

Lois: Yeah, I'd like that.

Stewie is Einceinte[edit]

Peter: Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?

Joe: Cats.

Stewie: I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird?

Brian: Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this.

Adam West: [observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car] Mazel tov!

Dr. C and the Women[edit]

[Peter takes Lois golfing]

Lois: So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond?

Peter: No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.

Lois: But you hit it into the water.

Peter: [exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.

Lois: But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?

Peter: BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]

Lois: Look! It went further than your ball!

[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]

Peter: Get all of her squawking out, doc?

Cleveland: Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois?

Lois: Absolutely.

Peter: Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off.

TSA Agent: There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us.

Meg: What? What does that even mean?

TSA Agent: It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend.

Meg: You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy.

#JOLO[edit]

Joe: Peter, be careful up there.

[Peter flips Joe the bird]

Peter: Is this being careful enough, Joe?

[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]

Peter: [to Quagmire and Cleveland] Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this!

Once Bitten[edit]

Peter: Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet.

Brian: Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me?

Peter: Yeah, I guess.

Brian: Peter, get away from my ass!

Neil: [to Meg sadly] I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important.

Meg: You're a JERK, Neil!

[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]

[Peter, drunk, throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]

Peter: [slurring words] This is 'cause I'm drunk!

Cleveland: Move out, Irish trash!

Roasted Guy[edit]

[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]

Quagmire: Thanks you, thank you, thank you very mush. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late.

Quagmire: Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet.

Quagmire: But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?

Carter: As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter.

Lois: And so do I!

Carl: I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise."

Mort Goldman: Peter's so fat and stupid, Lamar Odom tried to bang* him!

On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"

Fighting Irish[edit]

Liam Neeson: I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx.

Peter: You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic?

[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]

Stewie: Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do; Get your tubes tied, ya kook!

Take My Wife[edit]

Counselor: [while trying to help the couple find out more about each other] Peter, when's Lois' birthday?

Peter: Uhhh, when is Hitler's birthday?

Counselor: April 20th.

Peter: Wow. Okay, no. Yikes.

Counselor: Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?

Joe: Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.

Counselor: Cleveland?

Cleveland: Pass.

Counselor: Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?

Quagmire: Shaved. S..sorry, what is it? What was the question?

Pilling Them Softly[edit]

Brian: [referring to George R. R. Martin] God, he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!

Quagmire: How do you think NBA players get all those chicks? They're all great cooks. Except Kobe Bryant. His secret is different.

Quagmire: [referencing an awful Korean Taco] Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Stewie: [seductively to a little girl at nap time in school] Hey? You up? Guess where I have a crayon?

Papa Has a Rollin' Son[edit]

Bud: Thanks for the ride along. I liked it when you sentenced those two girls to kiss each other.

Peter: Yeah, all girls are lesbians when you point a gun at them.

Brian: Hey, what are you doing home so early?

Stewie: He's following me, Brian.

Brian: Who's following you?

Stewie: Tom Cruise. I spent one afternoon with the guy and it's like I signed an eight year contract to show up at events with him and let him fake-father a child.

Brian: Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise has better things to do than follow you around.

Stewie: Oh really, well explain that. [points at Tom Cruise outside]

Brian: You know, it's times like this where I think, if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.

Guy, Robot[edit]

Peter: We act like we don't take a lot from The Simpsons, but we take a lot from The Simpsons.

Peter: I like to eat a big bowl of berries before I go to sleep.

Peternormal Activity[edit]

Stewie: You are just horrible. You're even worse than those people who take dumps in the shower.

[cut to Meg taking a shower]

Meg: What? Why are you cutting to me? What did somebody say? Whatever they say I do, I don't do.

[the guys hear a scream and turn to Peter who is holding his smartphone]

Peter: Sorry, somebody e-mailed me a video of a sheep screaming.

Lois: Last night, you left your dirty dishes in the sink. It's disgusting. [Peter slowly starts to pull a knife out of its holder, slowly slides it back in, but starts to pull it back out as Lois continues] So I did half and I left the other half for you.

Brian: It's just when you've read as many books as I have [chuckles] it takes a toll, you know?

Stewie: Are you sure it's not from watching too much close-up porn on your phone?

Peter: What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65 and three are many exceptions based on genetics and diet.

Cleveland: That's stupid. I ain't never heard of somebody live to 65.

Peter, Chris, & Brian[edit]

Peter: I'm very easily influenced by music.

[Brian and Chris return from biking]

Chris: Apologies for being so tardy.

Peter: Ah, Chris, you're not tardy. We tested you twice.

Peter: Well, I think we all learned something today.

Tom Tucker: In other news, TVs still make noise, even when people resume their conversation. [Lois and Chris start talking] Yes, studies have been telling that merely turning your head and speaking to your fat and gross family members will not deactivate a functioning television. How crazy is that? You actually have to turn the TV off to keep on going.

Stewie: Let's go ahead and turn off the TV.

Tom Tucker: There we go.

Peter's Sister[edit]

Peter: [demonic voice] I see the six stations of the Lord's order, and they will all burn!

Hot Pocket-Dial[edit]

Joe: You don't have to win to have fun.

Lois: See, we're all terrible people inside.

Joe: Peter, face it. Without Quagmire, we're boring.

Joe: You want me to be the one who says "Giggity" now?

Quagmire: Peter's a good friend. Not like Cleveland.

Peter: Or you can pull the hose out of the bucket and let the hose run free.

Peter: There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news.

Lois: The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.

Brokeback Swanson[edit]

Brian: [trying to pick up Tori] You know, some people are okay with a drive-through car wash. Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.

[Stewie observes Brian on a leash held by a strange man]

Stewie: Brian? What are you doing on a leash? And who's that?

Brian: [quietly] Shhh, be cool. This is the guy whose wife I'm banging.

Stewie: Oh, what a romantic way to put it.

Brian: Yeah, it's great. I just pretend to be their dog, and then when he leaves for work, I get to go to the "pound" if you know what I mean.

A Shot in the Dark[edit]

Cleveland: You want the media to go away? Just mention black on black crime.

Brian: I'm just saying. It's no surprise that justice isn't colorblind.

Brian: I don't think it's lost on any of us that the laws are written on white paper.

Peter's Lawyer: Don't worry, Mr. Griffin. You're every bit as sympathetic as this chubby-cheeked coco angel.

Joe: Public opinion has shifted, and the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.

Peter: Who the hell are the boys upstairs?

Peter: Lois, I am an unelected vigilante and take my job very seriously.

Candy, Quahog Marshmallow[edit]

[the guys watch Quagmire's Korean soap opera]

Peter: Wow, that girl's hot.

Quagmire: That's a guy.

Peter: That other guy's handsome.

Quagmire: That's a girl.

Peter: That cat is cute.

Quagmire: That's a dog.

Peter: WHAT IS EVERYTHING?!

The Peanut Butter Kid[edit]

[Peter leads the family in prayer]

Peter: Dear God, it's the Griffins. Again, we're very sorry we cyber-bullied that girl to death, but we still want a snowmobile. Today though, please let there be money in our bank account. Amen.

Family: Amen.

Peter: Hey, Lois, check out what I found with my metal detector.

[empties a bag full of Purple Hearts]

Lois: Are those...are those Purple Hearts?

Peter: Yeah, some idiot buried like 100 of them in this big lawn underneath bone cages.

Lois: Peter! I think you desecrated a military graveyard!

Brian: Hey, guys, there are four jeeps outside our house.

(After Lois tells Brian that Stewie has another commercial audition and they want to put him in child acting)

Brian: You sure about this, Lois? I-I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.

Peter (disgusted over Brian's hypocrisy): Wasn't your kid an actor, you jag-off?

Brian (defensive): Didn't your father hate your guts and die?!

Chris (shocked): Whoa! Bring a gun to a knife fight!

(Peter tries to assure Brian that Stewie will be fine as a child actor)

Peter: Relax, Brian. Look at him [Stewie]. He's happier than a sunny side-up egg.

(cut to a smiling sunny side-up sizzling in a pan)

Sunny Side-Up Egg: What a great way to start the day! What a pan! What a grill!

(the sunny side-up egg gets oversalted by a chef's hand)

Sunny Side-Up Egg (scared): Oh, no! I'm at Denny's!

Diner (off-screen, gruff and slurred): Hey, I'm a drug addict and it's midnight. Where's my breakfast?

Sunny Side-Up Egg (pleading as he's being plated next to some bacon and toast): Help! He's only gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me!

Scammed Yankees[edit]

[Peter and Carter are having a boring time at the Griffin home]

Carter: Now what do you want to do?

Peter: Well, we could watch porn. Have you heard of porn? Is that something you're aware of?

Carter: [excited] You have postcards from France?

Carter: Tear it all down, now! Or I'm cancelling Kwanzaa.

Thug: What is "Kwanzaa"?

Carter: Ha! I knew it wasn't real.

An App a Day[edit]

[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]

Cleveland: Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.

[Cleveland samples the song]

Cleveland: It says ""Around the World", by Daft Punk."

Quagmire: Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.

Peter: Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?

Joe: I am not an idiot.

Cleveland: I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.

Peter: Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?

Cleveland: I don't know. Be my guest.

[Peter farts into it]

Peter: It says "Lana Del Rey."

Lois: What are you doing?

Peter: Well, I just found out about these things called Apps, so that's kind of all I do now.

Underage Peter[edit]

Lois: [annoyed] Peter, is there something you want to tell me?

Peter: Uuuh, YEAH. Every light in the house is on.

Lois: Did you destroy the library?

Peter: Did *I* destroy the library? Ha! No, Lois. That was television.

Tricia Takanawa: Joyce, I'm standing here on the streets of Quahog, where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law.

RJ: I was going to bone my girlfriend, but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved, there was NO WAY.

Peter: [whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!

Brian: [happily wagging his tail] Hey, what's up? We going for a ride in the car?

Peter: No, I had question for ya.

Brian: Don't EVER fucking do that unless you have a car ride to offer...!

A Lot Going on Upstairs[edit]

Stewie: I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.

Brian: No, don't. Don't say it like that.

Stewie: And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him. This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there, you've got to be hard.

Brian: Okay, but that felt intentional.

[inside Stewie's dream, Brian and Stewie happen upon a jumbo-sized Tom Tucker at Channel 5 News]

Tom: Adult stuff. Adult stuff. Adult stuff. The world is scary. Adult stuff. Adult stuff. Scary people yelling in another part of the world. Adult stuff.

Stewie: [screams] I wish Mom wouldn't watch the news in front of me!

[he and Brian flee]

Tom: Coming up, a map with a hurricane on it, and you don't know your states yet!

The Heartbreak Dog[edit]

[Peter discovers that Brian kissed Bonnie]

Peter: What?!

Brian: I know, I know. It was a huge mistake. Let's just do two or three high-fives and forget it ever happened.

Take a Letter[edit]

Peter: Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.

Peter: Gretchen? Wow. You look great.

Gretchen: Yeah. I didn't have kids, so.

Stewie: Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does.

Cleveland: Grab that letter opener over there. I'm going to show you why you should never mail cash.

Peter: Is that the one where they make his dress in little shorts and hats like the guy from AC/DC?

Brian: Yeah. Why does he wear that outfit?

Peter: 'Cuz he rocks!

Cleveland: I'd be happy to get you an interview. And as a white woman, you'd be the minority here. Unless you're an alcoholic.

The New Adventures of Old Tom[edit]

Peter: When I set my mind to something, anything's possible.

Bonnie: I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.

Lois: Did you see that sweet new piece of ass, Dallas Portland?

Bonnie: Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask my index and middle finger?

Stewie: I ate a dime once. It became a manhole cover for like three days, then pow!

Shelby: I know I'm a nerd, but I have a thing for rich guys.

Run, Chris, Run[edit]

Stewie: Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity, because they think he's mentally challenged.

Brian: Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh? Right?

Stewie: [loud sigh] I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't...I don't know. Let's just watch some commercials now.

Brian: They have security guards in the bathroom. We live in such a culture of fear now.

Stewie: Shut up, hat, that's my brother. They're not gonna mess with him. He's the man. He's got real Griffin beef in his trousers.

Cleveland: Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.

Peter: If you check my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.

Quagmire: You know, this is great, guys. Drinking and eating garbage. I'm glad we all took a mental health day.

Neil: Well, Chris, looks like another day of nobody joining us for lunch.

Chris: Yeah, we never should have let that blind girl touch our faces.

The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Frosty)[edit]

Stan?: Dude!

Kyle?: What?

Stan?: Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.

Kyle?: Why?

Stan?: 'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.

Kyle?: Cool!

Stan?: No, it's not cool! My sister, in-in Minnesota, put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!

Kyle?: Fuck him, let's do it anyway!

Kyle?: Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!

Stan?: Dude, I told you not to put that fuckin hat on Frosty's fuckin head, now, didn't I!

Kyle?: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket-fuckin-scientist! What are we supposed to do now?!

Kyle?: [after running from Frosty disguised as Santa Claus] Uh, you know something, I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.

Stan?: Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you, there's not going to be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!

The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Santa)[edit]

Cartman: Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.

Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!

Cartman: Don't call me fat, bucketful!

Kyle: Then don't belittle my people, you buckskin fat ass!

Cartman: Goddammit, don't call me fat, you bucketing son of a bitch!

Jesus: Behold my glory.

Stan: Holy shit, it's Jesus!

Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?

Jesus: I come seeking retribution.

Stan: [gasps] He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!

Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus! Don't kill me!

Jesus: Nay, fear not. I love all my children.

Kyle: Whew.

Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.

Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!

Jesus: I must find a place called the mall.

Kyle: Well, we can take you to the mall, Jesus.

Stan: Yeah! It's over this way!

Cartman: Goddammit, you stepped on my foot, you pig-fucker!

Stan: Dude! Don't say pig-fucker in front of Jesus!

Cartman: Ah, fuck you.

Stan: Here we are Jesus, South Park mall. Who are you looking for?

Jesus: Him!

Santa: Ho ho ho ho! We meet again Jesus!

Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time Kringle!

Santa: I bring happiness to children all over the world!

Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!

Santa: Christmas is for giving!

Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!

Santa: This time we finish it! There can be only one!

Stan: Dude this is pretty fucked up right here.

Jesus: Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.

Santa: No, boys, help me. So that I can put an end to him.

Jesus: God is watching you boys. You know who to help.

Santa: Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?

Jesus: I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.

Stan: I don't know what to do, dude! Who should we help?

Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.

Kyle: Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.

Cartman: Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew!

Kyle: You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go: "Goddammit, that kid's a big fat fuck!"

Kyle: We actually met, we actually spoke with, the Brian Boitano!

Stan: Yeah, and you know, I think learned something today. It doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or atheist or Hindu. Christmas, still, is about one very important thing-

Cartman: Yeah, ham.

Stan: No, not ham, you fat fuck!

Cartman: Fuck you!

Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.

Kyle: What?

Stan: Presents.

Kyle: Ah.

Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?

Kyle: Yeah.

Stan: Presents.

Kyle: Hey man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days!

Stan: Wow, really?! Count me in!

Cartman: Yeah, I'll be a Jew too!

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (1.01)[edit]

Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef!

Stan: What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?

Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or vegetable medley.

Cartman: Kick ass.

Stan: Yeah, whatever, I have a bad itch.

Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, "I have a bad itch".

Ms. Crabtree: Oh.

Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby!

Kyle: Kick the baby.

[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!

Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that Rabbits eat lettuce!

Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, "Rabbits eat lettuce".

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.

Kyle: [Into Cartman's ear] Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother god darn it!

Cartman: Ow, That hurt you buttermilk!

Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.

Stan: But her note said she'd be here.

[Wendy appears out of nowhere]

Wendy: Hi, Stan. want to catch. [Stan sees Wendy then throws up] Eww!

Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.

Wendy: But why Stan?

[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]

Wendy: Eww!

[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.

Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatize music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny kid shot! What the funk is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of funking kid hole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you bunkers like?! You like to beep and beep and beep and beep and beep and beep!

Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a funk?

Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Wendy: Whatever, dude. I promise me you'll be here.

Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.

Wendy: Cool! We're always be together.

[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]

[Stan vomits Wendy right to her face]

Wendy: Eww!

Stan: Sorry.

Wendy: Hey, look a french fry!

Stan: Cool!

Weight Gain 4000 (1.02)[edit]

Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!

Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?

Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!

Cartman: Beefcake.

Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!

Cartman: Beefcake!

Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!

Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.

Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.

Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!

Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat boy, that when you walk down the street, people go "God darn it, that's a big fat boy!"

Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!

Man: God darn, that's a big fat boy!

Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: If Dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

Stan: Dude, Dolphins are Intelligent and friendly.

Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!

Stan: That's impossible! Cartman wouldn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!

Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!

Volcano (1.03)[edit]

Jimbo: Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer, and some smokes.

Cartman: Hey! I didn't get a gun! [Jimbo gives a rifle to Cartman] Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.

Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!

Ned: Were you stationed in DA Nang?

Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned, you can't believe anything he says.

Cartman: Hey! I'll blow your frigging head off!

Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!

Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

Barbrady: Okay, any questions?

Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

Barbrady: That's enough out of you!

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (1.04)[edit]

Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

[During football practice, with Stan as quarterback and Chef coaching]

Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut -

Chef: HIKE THE DARN BALL!

[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]

Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]

Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.

Ned: What are we doing here?

Jimbo: Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] God darn, I love football.

An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (1.05)[edit]

Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]

Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.

Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's going to kick your ace, just tell her "Shelley, you're my sister and I love you."

Kenny (muffled): And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!

[Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]

Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ah, suck!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.

Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"

Stan: Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?

Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

News broadcaster: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, "Me Stan, bachump, BA-chewy-chump, BA-chewy-chump." Back to you in the studio.

Death (1.06)[edit]

Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Paps?

Grampa: Shoot me!

Sharon: Make a wish, Grampa!

Grampa: I wish I were dead!

Randy: (chuckles): That's our silly Grampa.

Grampa: I'm not being silly: shoot me! I'd do it myself, but I'm too darn old!

Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.

Cartman: That's a load of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!

Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they passed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman (shocked): What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!

Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?

[pause]

Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.

Stan: [hangs up] God darn it!

Jesus: I heard that!

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.

Protester: Look, it's the president of the network!

President: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. Luck you!

[pause]

President: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.

Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride-

Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!

Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!

Pink Eye (1.07)[edit]

[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]

Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?

Coroner #2: I don't know, it just-it just makes everything taste so English.

Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?

Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, Mr. Cartman.

Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. [he laughs along with Kyle]

Kyle: Sissy.

Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all passed off!

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!

Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.

Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.

Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total Choad.

Cartman: Aw come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total Choad.

Chef: Hello there, Children!

Cartman: Hey, Chef!

Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a KKK clansman] Aah!

Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts huh?

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.

Kenny: oblivious to Cartman's statement

Cartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?!

Kenny: oblivious

Cartman: exasperated Kenny! Your family's poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!

Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore, h-he just doesn't communicate.

Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.

Chef: Actually-

Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.

Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookiee!

Kyle: Wookiees don't live on Endor.

Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed like a KKKlansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's Thriller video clip]

I'm going to make love, even when I'm dead.

My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed!

Make love, don't you be afraid!

Just because my heart isn't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!

Damien (1.08)[edit]

Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass too!

Cartman: That's right!

[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]

Cartman: AY!

Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.

Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of heck!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.

Damien: Then I will call you Pip.

Pip: Right-o.

Damien: Everybody hates me.

Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?

Damien: Because I'm the son of the devil.

Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?

Damien: Because I... burn and kill them?

Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.

Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butt hole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!

Damien: I a-pologise for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.

[Cartman farts beside him.]

Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice.

[Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]

Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.

Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you fart-boy from now on.

[Damien walks away from them.]

Stan: Bye bye, fart-boy!

Kyle: See you!

Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?

Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...

Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.

Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!

Kyle: It's a game, Dude. It's really fun.

Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me red megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ace piece of crap!

Kyle: They were all out of them, Dude!

Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die!

[After Cartman yells and kicks everyone out.]

Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.

Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.

Damien: (Sadly) Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.

Stan: You're leaving already?

Damien: I have to. My Dad's always on the move.

[He walks away sadly.]

Stan: Wow, I feel kinda bad for that kid.

Kyle: Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.

Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize what a child needs more than anything is security?

Starvin' Marvin (1.09)[edit]

Cartman: Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!

Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!

Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, NEH? NEH, NEH, NEH?

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.

[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (1.10)[edit]

Wikimedia Commons has media related to:

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo

Mr. Hankey: How-dy-ho!

Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?

Sheila: How about the Dreidel song, boobie?

Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.

Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?

Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me and I love...

Stan: Christmas poo?

Cartman: What the heck is Christmas poo?!

Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?

Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!

Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.

Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the mayor about you Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait. I'm sorry, was it the pagan remark?

Mr. Garrison: The new law States, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.

Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.

[Cartman raises his hand]

Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?

Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor.

Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

Tom's Rhinoplasty (1.11)[edit]

Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.

Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]

Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!

Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?

Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!

Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.

Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?

Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.

Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...

Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?

Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.

Wendy: [flips her off] Don't luck with me!

Ms. Ellen: What?!

Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!

Wendy: I told her, Don't... Luck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!

Mecha-Streisand (1.12)[edit]

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?

Officer Barbrady: Well you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!

Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]

Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!

Jesus: Our savior!

Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.

Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.

Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.

Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (1.13)[edit]

Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?

Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.

Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.

Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?

Mrs. Cartman: Yes?

[long pause]

Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?

Cartman: God darn it, do I have a dad?!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh!

Cartman: I want to know where I came from.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.

Cartman: Uh-huh...

Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

[long pause]

Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.

Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]

Kyle: Whoa, dude!

Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.

Mrs. Cartman: "Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder."

Chief Running Water: Whoa, Hell-o!

Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?

Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.

Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.

Cartman: AY!

Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call "bear with wiiiide canyon."

Cartman: Huh?

Chief Running Water: She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."

Cartman: What?

Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.

Cartman: Hey!

Cartman: I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the Wests a-eed-eh.

Kyle: Cartman, you live on the east side!

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.

Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

Narrator: Is it Jimbo?

Jimbo: Daaagh!

Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!

Narrator: Or could it be Ned?

Ned: Could be.

Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?

Kyle: Dad, how could you?!

Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!

Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus (2.01)[edit]

Announcer: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen Tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.

[Terrance farts]

Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court!

Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense!

Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! Accuse, Terrance!

Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?

Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]

Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!

Phillip: The Monkey Claw was smelly.

Scott: I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: Yes, in the head.

Terrance: Head cancer?

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day!

Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip: We're not?

Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?

Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.

Phillip: Cancer?!

Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!

Phillip: Hey, Don't give me cancer!

Scott: What are you idiots doing?

Terrance: We're searching for treasure!

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.

Cartman's Mom Is Still a Dirty Slut (2.02)[edit]

[Kenny appears out of nowhere]

Stan: [blankly, as though Kenny hadn't appeared out of thin air] Oh, hey, Kenny.

Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!

Kyle: You bastards!

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?

Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?

Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.

Nurse: So that would make the fetus-

Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.

Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.

Doctor: Team A will consist of myself, Eric, Stan, Kyle and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.

Uncle Jimbo: We'll give it until another hour, then... we might have to eat again.

Film Producer: What?! Christ, are you people diabetic or something?

Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?

Cartman: ARGH, FORGET IT!

Chickenlover (2.03)[edit]

[Officer Barbarady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]

Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.

Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!

Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.

Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman: God Darn it!

Mayor: The Chickenfeed struck again last night.

Kyle: Oh, no!

Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chicken lover."

Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers's prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?

Randy Marsh:: Uh yes, officer?

Cartman: I clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?

Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.

Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.

Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.

Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.

Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!

Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!

Cartman: Get your ace to jail!

Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!

Cartman: Sweet.

Ike's Wee Wee (2.04)[edit]

Stan: Boo!

Mr. Mackey: Who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?

Stan: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] I'm sorry Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey: That's okay. Just don't let it happen again, m'kay.

Kyle: [imitating Mr. Mackey's voice] We won't let it happen again Mr. Mackey, m'kay.

[the boys laugh]

Man in Passing Car: Hey, Mackey, now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common: "D'oh-pe" [laughs]

Mr. Mackey: I'm tired of your right-wing authoritative bullshit!

Dr. Schwartz: His father had it, his grandfather had it and...his brother had it.

Kyle: [horrified] No. No, it's not possible.

Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.

Stan: Oh, hey, dude, that didn't sound like a bad idea.

Cartman: Yeah, I wanna get a circumcision too!

Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.

Stan: Yeah!

Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.

Stan: Naturally.

Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!

Woman: [after seeing Ike] Oh, look, honey, someone threw away a perfectly good trash can.

Cartman: The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.

Conjoined Fetus Lady (2.05)[edit]

[Stan's mother, Sharon, is speaking to Kyle's mother, Sheila, on the phone. In the background, Stan runs around screaming, wielding an ice pick]

Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!

Cartman: My mom says there are lots of black people in China.

Cartman: I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle stare at him] Ah, screw you guys..!

Nurse Gollum: Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks.

Gerald Broflovski: Could you please pass the dead fetus-I mean gravy?

Chinese Announcer: It's number...aw, who cares. Arr Americans took alike.

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka [2.6][edit]

Stan: Ready, you guys?

Cartman/Kyle: Ready!

Stan: Okay. Action! [Cartman poses the frog attached to a string on a stick]

Cartman: [mutters] I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog...of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... and dangerous!

Stan: Cut! Cartman!

Cartman: What?

Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!

Cartman: I know that!

Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

Cartman: [thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog!

Kyle: Der, Cartman!

Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!

Kyle: Just do this again Cartman, and don't make it talk.

Stan: Okay, here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?

Cartman: I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

Stan: Action!

Cartman: Screw you guys...

City on the Edge of Forever [2.7][edit]

Mrs. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE! THESE ROADS ARE SLICK!

Stan: Hey, Cartman!

Cartman: What?

Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?

Cartman: [finishes a bite] Hmm, let me think... No.

Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!

Cartman: Mm. It's chocolatey and delightful.

Stan: Give us some, Cartman!

Ms. Crabtree: [turns around] BE QUIET BACK THERE!

Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.

Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.

Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.

Cartman: [now baiting] Mm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Uh, yes I can. [resumes eating]

Stan: Shut up, Cartman!

Mrs. Crabtree [slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]

Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.

Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.

[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]

Mrs. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.

Cartman: [exhausted] I cannot possibly eat one more bite of its chocolatey goodness. Oh, wait, wait, wait, try.

Kyle: Darn it, Cartman, you are such a fat boy!

Mrs. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]

Kids: Aaggh!

Kyle: I'm scared!

Mrs. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!

[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]

All: Aggghhhh!

Cartman: [finished his cake] All gone.

Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY! [students notice and are immediately quiet]

Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Butters: Hey, why isn't the monster eating her?

Kyle: Because, Mrs. Crabtree, Larry King won't grant me three wishes.

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Kyle: I said "Larry King won't grant me three wishes."

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.

Summer Sucks [2.8][edit]

Mr. Garrison: Hello children, how is your summer going?

Stan: Summer sucks bad, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?

Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan: That's good.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle: Yep.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan: Right.

[Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]

Stan: O god kill Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

[Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]

[Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all in Blackface]

Chef: Okay! Everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!

[The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]

Jimbo: Holy crap, what the heck is that?

Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!

[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]

Chef: Giant snake? Killing everybody? Growing bigger? [looks at the women surrounding him] Children, you know I rarely say this but-well-fudge ya. [hangs up, sings] Simultaneous, you and me!

Kyle: What did he say?

Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go duck ourselves.

Cartman: Wow!

Kyle: How's that going to help?

[The boys stop in front of a sign with "Stu's Fireworks" written on it]

Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we've gotta buy fireworks!

Kyle: I saved up enough money to buy M-80s this year.

Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.

Kyle: Cool, maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat!

Cartman: Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!

Stan: Jesus, Cartman!

Cartman: [his voice trailing off] Well, I'm just- seriously now, don't mess with Kitty, now.

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls [2.9][edit]

Cartman: Independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

[from one of the independent films]

Cowboy: Hey Tom, you got any pudding?

Tom: You know I'm all out of pudding, silly.

Cowboy: Well, what should we do now?

Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Chef: [singing to advertise his new candy, Chocolate Salty Balls] Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown! If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth! Suck on my Salty Chocolate Balls! [high-pitched voice] Put 'em in your mouth! [normal singing voice] Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em! Suck my balls! Suck 'em sweet!

[Chef has just fed his concoction, Salty Chocolate Balls, to a severely ailing Mr. Hankey]

Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have rejuvenated him!

Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.

Chef: You're darn right.

Cartman: That's it, screw you guys, I'm going home.

[pause]

Kyle: Well?

Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Chickenpox [2.10][edit]

Cartman: Aw, Jesus, are you ducking kidding me?

Stuart: Hey! We don't say duck at the table, you little asshole!

Cartman: [mumbling] Yeah, we apparently don't say side dishes either.

Shelley: Serves you right, you little brat!

Stan: Well, at least I'm not going to die from it, which you might! [giggles]

Shelley: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!

[...]

Stan: I don't want to watch this! I want to watch Terrance and Phillip!

Shelley: We're watching this!

Stan: Well I got the remote, bitch! [giggles]

Kyle: Cartman, you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?

Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.

Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over to catch chickenpox from Kenny.

Kyle: Yeah, dude, your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.

Cartman: She what?!

Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.

Cartman: That bitch! I'm going to go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!

Kyle: No, no, no. Come on fat-boy, we're going to get them all back.

Randy: Will he be okay out of the hospital?

Dr. Doctor: Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.

Sharon: DIE!?

Dr. Doctor: Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.

Randy: Okay, well well, let's go look—

Dr. Doctor: As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear, into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.

Sharon: Oh God, no!

Randy:: I'm a-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.

Dr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

Gerald: [reading] "'My Final Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better will go ahead and I can put all the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End." Oh God, what have I done?

Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods [2.11][edit]

Cartman: Well, what a day this has been. I was on TV and I'm a hero. [Cartman's mother appears after picking his nose]

Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.

Cartman: GOD DARN IT, MOM, I WASN'T PICKING IT! I HAD AN ITCH!

Clubhouses [2.12][edit]

Roy: Stan, you want to help me cut some firewood?

Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough firewood for twelve years!

Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? When will you let me love you? [normal] Now get your leg down here and help me!

Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!

Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: What?

Sharon Marsh: What are you doing, sweetheart?

Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and-

Sharon Marsh: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your god darn cookie!

[she leaves]

Stan: Okay.

Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.

Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!

Stan: Go on, just close your eyes.

[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]

Kyle: Sick, bitch! Ducking sickening! [Kyle runs out of the tree house, Bebe stares]

Bebe: Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!

[Bebe tries to pass a note to Kyle from across the room]

Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?

Stan: No, I just-

Mr. Garrison: Don't lie! Lying makes you sterile!

Stan: I'm not lying! Someone just handed me-

Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, why don't you just come up front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear.

Stan: But I didn't write the note!

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.

Stan: Shut up, Cartman!

Mr. Garrison: Stanley, you come up here right now and read your note!

Stan: "Dear Kyle, you have got such a great eye. I could sleep for days on those perk cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your cap as a hat for all eternity." Whoa, dude!

Mr. Mackey: School is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.

Stan: What's a skylarking?

Mr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.

Stan: Who?

Mr. Mackey: Your parents are here for you-

[Stan's parents enter]

Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.

Mr. Marsh: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?

Cow Days [2.13][edit]

[the boys have decided to enter him into a bull riding contest]

Cartman: What makes you think "Cartman rides a bull?"

Kyle: [grabbing him by the collar and talking through gritted teeth] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fat ass! Now either you ride this bull or I'm going to rip your ducking head open!

Chef Aid [2.14][edit]

Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!

Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's cap!

Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.

[repeated line]

Record Exec: I am above the law!

Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talking about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]

Spookyfish [2.15][edit]

Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?

Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.

Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?

Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.

Kyle: Why?

Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?

Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]

Cartman: What the heck is that?

Kenny: It's all I could afford!

Evil Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends

Through thick and thin, we've always been together

Four of kind, having fun all day

Palling around, and laughing away

Just best friends, best friends are we!

I love you, guys.

Kitty: Meow.

Cartman: No Kitty, this is my pot pie!

Kitty: Meow.

Cartman: NO KITTY, THAT'S A BAD KITTY!

Evil Cartman: Who's my Kitty? Who's my Mr. Kitty? My fluffy old pal? Yes, that's a guy, that's my Mr. Kitty, yes.

Cartman: ... NO KITTY, BAD KITTY! [Kitty runs away, much to Evil Cartman's shock] Ha ha, you suck dude.

Randy: Sharon,

Sharon: Yes Hun?

Randy: There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.

Sharon: Yes, Hun, I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away.

Randy: Why did you take his pants off?

Sharon doesn't reply

Randy: ... Sh ... Sharon ... Why did you take his pants off?

Cartman: [singing] You guys are hell-stupid, you guys are hell-lame, you guys are hell-dumb, hell, hell, hell!

Kyle: Darn it!

Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! [2.16][edit]

Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it isn't Palmoral, you're going to get cancer.

George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?

Gnomes [2.17][edit]

Underpants Gnome: Phase one: collect underpants. Phase two: [silence] Phase three: profit!

Mr. Tweek: Mr. Postum, you have a lot to learn about making coffee.

Mr. Postum: And you don't? Your coffee tastes like 3 day-old moldy diarrhea!

[Tweek is worried about his family becoming poor]

Cartman: You can always go on welfare. Just look at Kenny's family, they're perfectly happy being poor and they're on welfare. Right, Kenny?

Kenny: Heck you!

Cartman: Heh-heh, you suck, Kenny.

[An Underpants Gnomes's cart has just flattened Kenny]

Stan: [rushed and monotone] Oh my God, they killed Kenny.

Kyle: [same tone] You bastards. [to the Underpants Gnome] Listen, we have to give a huge speech Tomorrow about corporate takeovers!

Underpants Gnome: Holy shoot, we killed your friend!

Stan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we got to know about corporate takeovers Tomorrow or we're screwed!

Underpants Gnome: Christ, we squished him like a bug!

Gnome: Not much longer now...

Cartman: Oh? You're taking us to your little pussy house?

Gnome: No pussy! I'm taking you to my village!

Cartman: Oh? Your pussy village?

Stan: Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?

Prehistoric Ice Man [2.18][edit]

Stan: Good job, Cartman, you killed Kyle!

Kenny: [muffled] You bastard!

Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat!

Stan: Why the heck not? It's just like calling the sky blue!

Australian Outback Guy: [examining dirt] I think he came through here recently.

Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, I think the same thing.

Government Agent 1: Well where the heck is he? We have to get him back to the lab!

Dr. Mephisto: He can't function out here in our time!

Australian Outback Guy: Calm down, calm down!

Cartman: [imitating Australian Outback Guy] Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches!

Cartman: [lodged in a cow's anus] Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!

Kyle: [about the frozen man they found] His name is Steve!

Stan: His name is Gorak!

Larry: My name is Larry.

Rainforest Schmainforest [3.1][edit]

Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?

Choir Teacher: Excuse me?

Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle: SHUT UP, FAT ASS!

Stan: Choirs suck!

Mr. Garrison: KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh] Go ahead.

Choir Teacher: Well uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Cartman: Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]

Mr. Garrison: ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT!

Mr. Mackey: I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

Craig: I know.

Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?

Craig: ..I don't know.

Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself? [beat] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig flips off] Did you just flip me off?

Craig: [lowering his middle finger] No.

Mr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig flips off again] There! You just flipped me off again!

Craig: No, I didn't.

Mr. Mackey: Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle: Hey, Craig!

Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.

Stan: Ahhhhhh!

Miss Stevens: Stan, what is it?

Stan: Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]

Pablo: Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.

[Stan screams and runs away]

Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?

Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like?

Stan: I'm just scared of snakes.

Pablo: Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.

[snake chokes Pablo to death]

Miss Stevens: Oh, my God!

[snake starts to eat Pablo]

Cartman: Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, all right.

[snake continues to eat Pablo]

Miss Stevens: Jesus Christ! Is he dead?

[snake excretes remains of Pablo]

Stan: Dude!

Kyle: My guess would be yes.

Miss Stevens: Oh, no! God, no! Now don't panic, children.

Cartman: [hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs away as the snake starts chasing him]

Kelly: [to Kenny] Lenny, can I tell you something?

Kenny: Uh-huh?

Kelly: I think I like you.

Kenny: Really?

Kelly: Yes, I think we communicate really well.

Kenny: Wow, that's great!

Kelly: No, that's not great.

Kenny: That's not great?

Kelly: Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends we'll never see each other again and I'm only going to get my heart broken I just can't get feelings for you. I just can't, Lenny!

Kenny: [frustrated] Awwwww!

Cartman: Mister! You got to help me, I'm starving to death!

Worker: What are you doing out here, little boy?

Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest and I need some food; I'm fading fast.

Worker: Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?

Cartman: Food! I have to have food! [collapses]

Worker: Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!

Cartman: [lifts his head up] Chicken wings.

Worker: Chicken wings!

Cartman: [lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

Kelly: [crying] Oh, stop! I want to go home! I hate the rainforest!

Kenny: [stops and hugs her] Come on, it'll be all right.

Kelly: Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.

Kenny: [frustrated] Aw, BUCK YOU!

Kelly: Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. [moves over to cuddle Kenny. Kelly attempts pick her nose, which proves difficult because she is tied up]

Kelly: Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.

Kenny: Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]

Kelly: Lenny! No!

Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastards!

Kelly: What? Who killed him?

Stan: Uh, they did.

Kelly: Who's "they"?

Stan: You know, they.

Kyle: They're, they're bastards.

Kelly: Well, don't just stand there, help him.

Kyle: Help him?

Kelly: Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]

Kyle: [shocked] Whoa, dude!

Stan: Ms. Stevens, you have a bug on your back.

Miss Stevens: Oh, could you swat it off? [turns around to reveal giant fly on her back]

Stan: No...

Cartman (Whacking a Three Toed Sloth with a stick) Bad! That's a bad three toed sloth!

Spontaneous Combustion [3.2][edit]

Kyle: I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.

Pedestrian: What?

Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?

Kyle: So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.

Cartman: [on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!

Stan: What are you doing, Dad?

Randy: Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.

Stan: No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!

Randy: He he he! Really?

Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!

Randy: Or else what?

Mayor: Exactly!

Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.

Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!

Stan: Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]

Randy: [resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?

Cartman: I'm going to be Jesus!

Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!

Cartman: Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!

Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.

Cartman: Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!

Kyle: You're such a fat baby!

Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.

Kyle: All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!

Cartman: Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

[Randy's dream]

[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]

Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

Man: We love you, Randy.

Woman: Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Chef: I got something to tell you.

Cartman: What?

Chef: You're not gonna like it.

Cartman: What?

Chef: It's really going to pass you off.

Cartman: What?

Chef: Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!

Cartman: [wakes up] God darn it!

Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?

Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm going to kick you both right in the nuts!

[after Randy tells the crowd how to save themselves]

Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

Man: We love you, Randy.

Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Cartman: Officer Barbrady!

[Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]

Officer Barbrady: Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]

The Succubus [3.3][edit]

Mr. Derp: Ain't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!

Mr. Garrison: And never let Pantaloon come between you and your friend!

Chef: Darn right, Garrison!

Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.

Woman at front desk: Chef?

Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.

Stan: And a chef's hat.

Kenny: And a real huge dick.

Woman at front desk: Oh, the black guy.

Stan: huh?

Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?

Stan: You're Chef's parents?

Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.

Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!

Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.

Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.

Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?

Stan: No, that's okay.

Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.

Chef's Mother: We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"

Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...

Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!

Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."

[long pause]

Kyle: What's tree-fitty?

Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty cents.

Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.

Stan: He wanted money?

Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.

Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.

Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

Priest Maxi: Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-

Chef: I do!

Chef's Mother: Aah, my baby's getting married!

Priest Maxi: And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?

Tweek vs. Craig [3.4][edit]

Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop Class!

[After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]

Mr. Adler: Jesus Christ! [sits up and re positions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!

Cartman: I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.

Craig: Nope! [slams the door shut]

Cartman: [surprised] God darn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?

Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?

Cartman: Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.

Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

Wendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.

Home EC. teacher: That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have home EC.

Home EC. teacher: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?

Mr. Adler: Why?

Home EC. teacher: Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.

Mr. Adler: Oh, well, uh, I can't. I left the oven on.

Home EC. teacher: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?

Mr. Adler: I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]

Home EC. teacher: We'll use plastic wrap.

Mr. Adler:Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face]

Jakovasaurs [3.5][edit]

Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!

Officer Barbrady: Where am I?

[From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov]

Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!

Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.

Jakov: [pause] Whooooo, Niners!

Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.

Cartman: [disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?

Department of Interior Guy: That's right, and people must respect it.

Cartman: Well, that should be fine—just fine.

Department of Interior Guy: Fine, just fine.

Cartman: Fine.

Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box [teases Ned a while] Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.

Ned: [in an Irish accent] Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. [realizes he's got an Irish accent] What the devil is this, then?

Jimbo: Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.

Ned: [still in an Irish accent] Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?

Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!

[The boys are camping by the pond]

Cartman: Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called "I hate you guys." [singing] I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!

Sexual Harassment Panda [3.6][edit]

Sexual Harassment Panda Song:

Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?

Sexual Harassment… Panda!

Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?

Sexual Harassment… Panda!

Don't say that, don't touch there…

Don't be nasty says the silly bear!

He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…

Sexual Harassment… Panda!

Mr. Garrison: Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment

Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

Mr. Garrison: No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.

Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.

Kyle: Isn't that fascism?

Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?

Kyle: Do you?

Sexual Harassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

Sexual Harassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.

Bartender: Now, Skeeter, he isn't hurting nobody.

Skeeter: No! I want to know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Hoppy the 'don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.

Worm: Hello there, boys.

Stan: Whoa! Who are you?

Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?

Boys: Yes.

Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]

Stan: ...Thanks a lot, dude.

Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.

Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.

Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

Cat Orgy [3.7][edit]

Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!

Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.

Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.

Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.

Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.

Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!

Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.

Skyler: I pledge allegiance...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!

Cartman (as he's swinging from the coat rack, holding his ears): Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!

Skyler: Hey, shut up, Tubby!

Cartman: Don't call me fat! Now you guys are not supposed to be in nyah! You get out now and respect mah authoritah!

Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub [3.8][edit]

Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?

Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it-

Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.

Butters: Oh dear God, they're going to set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we going to do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

Pip: We were just playing a game called Wicker-shams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?

Stan: No.

Pip: I'm the head Wicker-knicker. And you are all little Wicker-shams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Hurrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

Jimbo: We're all a little gay.

ATF Agent: We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

Jewbilee [3.9][edit]

Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.

Kyle: He [Kenny] doesn't get cake?

Moses: No cake for the impurity!

Moses: And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.

Rabbi: Paper plate bean shakers, of course!

Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.

Chinpokomon [3.10][edit]

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?

Stan: 十八ですか？ (Juuhachi desu ka?)

Class: 十八だね！ (Juuhachi DA NE!)

Mr. Garrison: No, god darn it, it's eighteen!

Stan: 十八(Juuhachi) is eighteen, Garrison-San.

Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right?! And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!

Cartman: Ooh, Garrisonさんさぶちいだな(Garrison-San sabuchii DA Na).

Mr. Garrison: What did he say?!

Stan: He said, Garrisonさんさぶちいだな("Garrison-San sabuchii DA Na.").

Class: そうですね！ (Soo desu nee!)

Mr. Garrison: Dammit, this is not Japan!

Cartman: みなた！ 来て、来て、ちゅり- Minata! Kite kite, churi- [farts. The class laughs]

Wendy: だれがぷしたの。 (Dare Ga Pu shita no.)

Mr. Garrison: Arrgghhh!

Starvin' Marvin in Space [3.11][edit]

Stan: This is great!

Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?

[Marvin turns off theme music]

Stan: Yeah, that's better.

Missionary: An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?

Cartman: No, never! It's perfect!

Cartman: Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?

Chief-Marklar: We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.

Kyle: Isn't that totally confusing?

Chief-Marklar: No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!

A Marklar in the crowd: Yes?

Chief-Marklar: See!

Sign on seized spaceship: PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU

Kyle: Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.

Chief-Marklar: [slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.

Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery [3.12][edit]

Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman: Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?

Kyle: Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.

Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Stan: Christmas?

Cartman: ...Christmastime is presents for me.

Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]

Cartman: Cool!

Dr. Spookalot: Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.

Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.

Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.

Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.

Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]

Cartman: Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!

Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.

Mrs. Cartman: I'm sorry, hon.

Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.

Stan: Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]

Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman: God darn it, Mom!

Stan: OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.

Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.

Voice: Hi, Kyle.

Kyle: [hops back] Aah!

Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?

Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!

Stan: [chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.

Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"

Sheila: Dug her up? Why?

Brunet: Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Blond: Yep.

Sheila: What?!

Brunet: Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila: Oh, dear God!

Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.

Blond: Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila: Ooh!

Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Blond: Brace yourself.

Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably-

Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!

Brunet: Do?

Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.

Jonathan Davis: Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.

David: They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.

Jonathan Davis: Huh?

David: "Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.

Munky: No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.

Fieldy: You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.

Jonathan Davis: But that makes them pirate ghosts.

David: No, it makes them ghost pirates.

Munky: Pirate ghosts!

Head: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.

Jonathan Davis: Pirate ghosts.

Jonathan Davis: All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.

Stan: How do we split up?

Jonathan Davis: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.

All of Korn: OK!

Kyle: [joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Hooked on Monkey Fonics[edit]

Mayor: Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright Eric, here's your word: chair. Chair. [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]

Cartman: [whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum..! [Fonics Monkey looks at left, but no response] Come on..! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]

Mayor: Eric, your word is chair.

Cartman: Uh... Definition?

Mayor: "Something you sit on."

Cartman: Country of origin?

Mayor: English!

Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?

Mayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is chair!

Cartman: Um... Chair... C..h..a..r-e. [buzz] God darn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son-of-a-bitch Fonics Monkey!

Kyle: You got my note?

Rebecca: Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?

Kyle: Can we sit down?

Rebecca: Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.

Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?

Rebecca: I have looked at it.

Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.

Rebecca: How can children go to school on a flicker of light?

Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.

Rebecca: What else would one do?

Kyle: Love, for one thing.

Rebecca: And what is love?

Kyle: Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.

Rebecca: What means kiss?

Kyle: When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.

Rebecca: Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.

Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.

Rebecca: You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?

Kyle: I'm not completely sure.

Rebecca: Perhaps we should look it up.

Kyle: No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]

Rebecca: Wow...wow, that was fun... [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]

Kyle: Does that mean you'll go to the dance?

Rebecca: You bet your sweet lip I will.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics [3.15][edit]

Cartman: [singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.

Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus [3.16][edit]

Rod Stewart: Poo pants.

Jesus: What?

Rod Stewart: Poo pants.

Jesus: Poo pants?

Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.

Jesus: Y-you pooped your pants?

Rod Stewart: I pooped my pants.

Jesus: Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.

Nurse: Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

Randy: [taken aback] That's God?

Jesus: Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.

[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]

Jesus: The Beginning and the End.

Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that?

God: What did you expect me to look like, my son?

Mr. Garrison: [thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

World Wide Recorder Concert [3.17][edit]

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]

Patron 2: Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?

Patron 1: No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?

Patrons: [wondering] Woo, yeah.

Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?

Patron 1: Yeah.

Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.

Patron 3: Hmm.

Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.

Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?

Patrons: No, no, no way. No.

Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.

Patron 7: Yep.

Patron 8: Me, too.

Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.

Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talking here?

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.

Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?

Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!

Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.

Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.

Patron 1: Yeah.

Patron 3: Sure.

Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.

Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.

Reporter: Some even crapped themselves to death while others ruined a pair of good pants!

The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000 [4.1][edit]

Cartman: Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.

Cartman: Do not wake up till morning, or I will kick you in the nuts. Ooh, in the nuts.

Cartman: T-Tooth? What the heck? Mom!

Liane: Yes, Eric.

Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!

Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that...well... There is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you had so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.

Cartman: You almost had me for a second there, Mom, he. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, he-he. M-Mom?

Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.

Cartman: Y-you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?

Liane: No, honey. It's just-

Cartman: How could-? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?

Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.

Cartman: How can I trust you? How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.

Gerald: Oh, hello, son.

Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?

Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk.

Kyle: Oh my God! You did lie to me!

Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.

Kyle: Peter Pan, too?

Gerald: Kyle-

Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?

Gerald: Well, they were probably real.

Kyle: Probably? Is Atlantis real?

Gerald: Probably not.

Kyle: WA-ha-ha-hah!

Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.

Kyle: Fun for children? Fun for children? Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Wagghh!

Kyle: All right, let's go.

Timmy: Go! Timm-ay! [shoots off on his wheelchair, pulling Kenny's tooth (which isn't loose) hard]

Kenny: [howls; he is pulled out of his parka] Aargh!

Cartman: [laughs] Look, guys! I can see Kenny's little pingling!

Announcer of the ADA: Fellow dentists! As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth-fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this: A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel, that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest, for genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring. We believe also, that the creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra, and that it...

Dr. Foley: Excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory!

Announcer: Well, by all means, Dr. Foley, enlighten us!

Dr. Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit!

Announcer: [all laughing] Oh, Dr. Foley! You realize how ridiculous that sounds?

Dr. Foley: It's not ridiculous, it's very possible. I've seen it happen before!

Announcer: Where?

Dr. Foley: In Montreal.

Announcer: [more laughing] And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?

Dr. Foley: Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!

Announcer: Very well, Dr. Foley! You go on your wild goose chase, and meanwhile we'll deal with the real problems at hand.

Dr. Foley: I will! [leaves]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Anyway, the half-chicken, half-squirrel would most likely be about 3-4.5 feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device.

Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today: You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.

Cartman: [long pause] Tits.

Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 [4.2][edit]

Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]

Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

Others: Nah.

Cartman: Sweet.

Stan: You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.

Timmy 2000 [4.3][edit]

Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?

Timmy: Timmiihh!

Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy.

Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is highhandedly dumping down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.

Kurt Loder: Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.

Announcer: Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No. wait, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.

Kurt Loder: Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old.

Cartman Joins NAMBLA [4.5][edit]

Stuart: Oh god I'm going to crap my pants!

Stuart: I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be sick. Oh my stomach!

Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!

[outside the hotel, as Stuart is being put into the ambulance]

Kenny's Mom: Are you all right, Stuart?

Stuart: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, and been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men. [sobs] I just want to go home and take a-a hot bath!

[all the pedophiles are now arrested]

Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?

NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. Our forefathers came to this country because...they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand.

Kyle: Dude, you have sex with children!

NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away.

Kyle: [slowly, for emphasis] Dude. You have sex with children!

Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, luck you.

Kyle: Seriously.

Lead Agent: All right, that's enough. You're going to be put away for a long time!

[the agents lead the pedophiles away into custody]

Kyle: Well, Cartman?

Cartman: Well what?

Kyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?

Boys: Yeah!

Cartman: All right, all right. I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.

Stan: And now, you still wanna hang out with older mature friends?

Cartman: No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long.

Mr. Garrison: I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!

Cartman: I've outgrown all of my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [stares at Clyde Frog] Ohhh, great idea, Clyde Frog! I can meet new friends on the Internet! [on computer] Here's a chat room: 'Men who like young boys'...that's perfect! [types a message under screen name 'BigBoned'] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and- [he gets cut off and subsequently bombarded by messages from old guys] Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick...'Tony316'.

[online conversation]

BigBoned: Hi Tony!

Tony316: So what R U into?

BigBoned: Oh, U know, the usual stuff. :) [Cartman says it out loud as 'smiley face']

Tony316: Kewl. Wanna get together? :) [Cartman again pronounces 'smiley face']

BigBoned: Sure, Tony. That would be kewl. ;) [Cartman pronounces 'winking smiley face']

Tony316: Meet me at Mel's Buffet Restaurant tomorrow morning.

BigBoned: Sounds good, see ya then! :) [Cartman: Clown hat...curly hair...smiley face!]

Cartman: [searching online for a new friend] Okay, let's try this again. [typing] Hi everyone. I am looking for fun times with older male. I like to- [interrupted again by even more older men] Oh, this one looks good. "Hung Daddy'. [typing] Hello, Hung Daddy.

Hung Daddy: Hi. I am 8 1/2 inches.

Cartman: Man, dude. This guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf. [typing] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off. :(

Cherokee Hair Tampons [4.6][edit]

Mr. Garrison: [writing] Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [aside to Mr. Hat] Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat! Hot lesbo scene coming up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. "Go on," Rebecca said softly. "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips. It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. They presented themselves, tall and mighty, all around her, wi- [Mr. Hat slowly slides under the desk] Mr. Hat, what the heck are you doing? ...oh, Mr. Hat!

Chef Goes Nanners [4.7][edit]

Stan and Kyle: Hello, Chef.

Chef: My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I converted to Islam.

Stan: Islam?

Chef: From now on, my name is Abdul Mohammad Jabar Rauf Kareem Ali.

Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.

Mr. Hat: Don't apologize for me to that spellchecker!

Wendy: Bebe...I'm attracted to Cartman.

Bebe: Aaaaaaahhh!

Wendy: I know...

KKK: [chanting] White power! White power!

Klan Leader: Well that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.

KKK: [chanting] Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!

Jimbo: [whispering] All right, Ned, we got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with here...

Ned: [loudly because of his voice box] Okay...

Jimbo: [whispering angrily] Dammit, Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?

Ned: [loudly] No.

Klan Leader: Now, brothers, it is time for us all to come together and do our cake raffle!

KKK: [conversing] Ooh, Cake Raffle!

Klan Leader: This week's winner is 2...9...7...4.

Klan Member: I won! I won! I won the cake!

Klan Leader: Good job, Brother.

Something You Can Do with Your Finger [4.8][edit]

Wendy: Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut. She cooked food in a wok.

Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big

Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit

And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like

Shih tzus make good house pets. They're cuddly and sweet.

Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their

Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,

The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his

Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt

Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a

Contaminated water can really make you sick.

Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your

Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck

And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!

Cartman: Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us, we won't call you neither.

Fingerbang: Finger-bang! Bang bang! Finger-bang! Bang bang bang! I'm gonna finger-bang bang you into my life! Girl you you like to finger-bang and that's all right! 'Cause I'm the king of finger-bang and let's not fight. I'm going to finger-bang bang you every night. I'm going to finger-bang bang you every night!

Cartman: You guys, I had a dream of how I can make ten million dollars. You ready? ...Boy band.

Stan: Boy band?

Cartman: Boy band.

Kyle: I'm not joining any baggy boy band.

Cartman: There's nothing baggy about ten million dollars, asshole!

Stan: Hey Cartman, what does "finger-bang" mean, anyway?

Cartman: I heard it on HBO, it means, like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.

Kenny: [laughs] That's not what it means.

Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.

Cartman: Okay, Kenny, what does "finger-bang" mean then?

Kenny: It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it again and again.

Cartman: ...What? What?! Who the heck would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up, Kenny, would you?!

Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? [4.9][edit]

Sister Anne: Now let me explain how communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker. And this cracker is the body of Christ.

Cartman: Jesus was made of…crackers?

Sister Anne: No.

Stan: But crackers are his body.

Sister Anne: Yes.

Kenny: What?

Sister Anne: In the book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said "Eat this, for it is my body."

Cartman: So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.

Sister Anne: No no no no!

Butters: Well, what are we eating then?

Sister Anne: The body of Christ!

Stan: No no no, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals...so he turned himself into crackers and then told people to eat him.

Sister Anne: No!

Stan: No?!

Butters: I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.

Sister Anne: Look, all you need to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it. Okay?

Boys: Okay...

Sister Anne: And then you will drink a very small amount of wine. For that, is the blood of Christ.

Cartman: Oh come on now, this is just getting silly.

Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?

Cartman: No!

Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.

Stan: [after Kenny is hit by a bus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!

Stan: He's doomed.

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his bone ration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I going to go, Detroit?

[Cartman has been confessing his sins, unaware of who is in the other side of the confessional]

Cartman: And that was about everything from first grade. And then last year...you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?

Father Maxi: Your confession does not leave this box.

Cartman: Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.

Maxi: Oh. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you...if he...knew.

Cartman: No but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.

Maxi: [annoyed] I see.

Cartman: And then this other time, I went pee pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog, and I went number two on the sidewalk, and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog, so then the priest got fined like $100 for not picking it up. And then this one time, I put superglue all over the priest's bottom...

[Father Maxi, who has been getting steadily angrier during this confession, finally smashes through the confessional screen and begins throttling Cartman]

Probably [4.10][edit]

[Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids]

Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!

Principal Victoria: [approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.

Cartman: [meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!

Principal Victoria: Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.

Cartman: [in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is going to cure your face of the uglies?

Ms. Cartman: [to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!

[Cartman preaching behind the school]

Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, he was smacked down by the Lord-ah! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!

[Kenny has arrived in Mexico]

Kenny: [muffled by his parka] Where am I?

Mexican: Que?

Kenny: [muffled] Where am I?!

Mexican: Que?

[Cartman preaching in church]

Cartman: Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.

[the kids gasp]

Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!

[gasp]

Cartman: He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!

[gasp]

Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!

[gasp]

Protestant: Hey, wait a minute, I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven?

Hell Orientation Director: Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.

Jehovah's Witness: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.

Hell Orientation Director: You picked the wrong religion as well.

Random Orientation Attendee: Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?

Hell Orientation Director: I'm afraid it was the [1]... Mormons were the correct answer.

Orientation Attendees: [collective groan]

Chris: Satan!

Satan: Chris!

[they run to embrace each other]

Satan: But I thought Saddam killed you?

Chris: Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?

God: [after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?

Satan]]: Huh?

God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.

Trapper Keeper [4.12][edit]

Bill Cosby Robot: [drawing a gun] Well, that does it!

Kyle: Hey, what are you doing?

Bill Cosby Robot: I have no other choice. For the sake of humanity I have to kill him. [Cartman]

Kyle: Oh, okay. hello.

Stan: That's fine. [pauses] No, wait!

Bill Cosby Robot: What?

Stan: Can I do it?

Bill Cosby Robot: Oh well, I suppose. [hands gun over to Stan]

Stan: Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, Fat boy!

Bill Cosby Robot: Wait, perhaps there is another way. If you take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.

Stan: Well, yeah. Or we could just kill him.

Kyle: Yeah, that would be faster.

Stan: He's right there.

Bill Cosby Robot: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you "humans" call compassion. It's an amazing feeling.

Stan and Kyle: Oh.

[Kyle enters the core of Cartman/Trapper Keeper]

Cartman/Trapper Keeper: What are you doing, Kyle?

Kyle: I'm going to shut down the Trapper Keeper's CPU.

Cartman/Trapper Keeper: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.

Kyle: [angrily] Screw you, fat boy.

Cartman/Trapper Keeper: Hey, screw you!

Mr. Garrison:: What the heck is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing?! Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]

Rosie O'Donnell:: Hello, kids!

Officer Barbrady: Now there's two of those things!

[Trying to resolve the dispute over who has been elected kindergarten class president]

Mr. Garrison: All right, children. As you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Mrs. Harris?

[She comes in, guiding a sick boy hooked to an IV pole. He hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison and coughs something up onto the floor.]

Mr. Garrison: Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.

[He picks it up and leaves with his mother.]

Helen Keller! The Musical [4.13][edit]

[Kyle has agreed to buy a turkey from a rancher]

Kyle: How much?

Rancher: Fifty bucks.

Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!

Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find something else to shoot.

Cartman: Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!

[Cartman has agreed to be blindfolded and ear muffed to get an idea of Helen Keller's perspective; he sees various frightening images]

Cartman: Oh, man!

Maynard: What did you see?

Cartman: Nothing, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.

Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth-graders do The Miracle Worker and every year I have to sit and watch it.

Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily I got really stoned before I came.

Pip [4.14][edit]

Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?

Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!

Pocket: Oh, we'll have a gay old time! ...and by "gay", I mean "happy" not "penetration of the bum"!

Fat Camp [4.15][edit]

Audience Member: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's a clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"

Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

Chef: It sure is!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Counselor Rick: Hello, camper! My name is Rick. How are you doing?

Cartman: Well, I'm passed off, Rick! How are you?

Cartman: All right, I don't know who the heck put you all up to this, but I am not going to some gay-ass fat camp!

Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people are doing this because we care about you, m'kay?

Mr. Garrison: Except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.

Stan: [after the fake Kenny suffocates in Miss Crabtree's uterus] Oh my God! They killed Kenny! Sort of.

Kyle: Yeah! They killed Kenny...'s look-alike. You bastards!

Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.

Liane Cartman: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.

Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.

Stan: Did you like the old one?

Kyle: Good point.

The Wacky Molestation Adventure [4.16][edit]

Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!

Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.

Kyle: They're evil! I wish I didn't have any parents!

Cartman: Well, you could make them go away for a while.

Kyle: How?!

Cartman: Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.

Stan: The police?

Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you got to do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.

Kyle: What's that?

Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.

Kyle: What's "bad touch"?

Cartman: Something 'bout a swimsuit, I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch"!

[Song that convinces Castro to convert to democracy]

Kyle:

If I could have one wish, just one wish in the whole world

If I could have one wish, it would be for Cuba to change

'Cause I think all of the Cubans are in pain

All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea

Doesn't mean a thing, if Cubans aren't free

I just can't be very happy, I'm certain

Not as long as your Cubans are hurting

Oh won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind?

That is my one and only wish

Linda: Hello, what's your name... What-what do you want?

Little Girl: We wanna play.

Linda: Mark, I'm scared.

Mark: Don't be scared, they're just kids. Where are your parents?

Little Boy: We already played with our parents.

Little Girl: Now we want to play with you.

Mark: Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.

Butters: Aw, I was just about to sacrifice myself to Mr. Elway.

A Very Crappy Christmas [4.17][edit]

Butters: [talking through construction paper cut-out of a woman] Hey there good looking, what's your name? [talking through "Butters" cut-out] Butters, Ma'am. [through cut-out of woman] Well Butters, would you like to slap my titties around? [smiles; through "Butters" cut-out] Oh, well! Uh. [sadly] No thanks, Ma'am. I'll get in trouble again. [puts cut-outs away]

It Hits the Fan [5.1][edit]

Cartman: Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

Cartman: Don't worry, Kyle's just got a little sand in his vagina.

Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!

Mr. Garrison: Hey there, shorty-shorty fag-fag, shorty-shorty fag-fag, how do you do?

Cartman: I said "shoot" on television.

Stan: But they're gonna say "shoot" and you're gonna miss it.

Kyle: I don't really give a duck.

Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't say fag, you have to be a homosexual to say that.

Randy: You mean I can't say beep?

Mr. Garrison: No, see, you got beeped.

Guy: You mean you have to be a beep to say beep?

Mr. Garrison: Yep.

Jimbo: Well that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag." [he looks shocked]

Randy: Hey...you didn't get beeped.

Jimbo: Uh-oh.

Mr. Garrison: Well, I guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freaking fag. You want to go make out or something?

[the boys are in the library searching for the cause of people's serious illness]

Cartman: [urgently] You guys! Look here! [the group rushes over] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe! That could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!

Kyle: Cartman, this is serious!

Cartman: So am I, Kyle- if that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.

Cripple Fight [5.2][edit]

Cartman: Cripple fight!

Cartman: [over PA] Attention, shoppers, outside today we have Cripple Fight. Cripple Fight, outside.

Randy Marsh: You do not say "big silly goose," you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to-

Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.

Randy Marsh: That's better.

Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!

Jimmy: Sometimes it's like, "Please Timmy, learn a new word," huh, huh. [imitates Timmy] "Timmy!"

Timmy: [angry] Aah!

Jimmy: [continues impression] I'm living a lie, I'm living a lie, Timmy!

Randy Marsh: Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.

Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [everyone laughs]

Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!

Timmy: Timmy!

Jimmy: Not this year!

Jimmy: Timmy? Timmy, I told you to put on the hat! [punches him in the stomach]

Jimmy: You dirty motherboard!

Super Best Friends [5.3][edit]

Butters: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.

Magic Workshop Leader: ...Right, yeah. Eh, see, the reason that you are unhandy.

Butters: [coldly] And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

Stan: Kyle?!

[Stan turns over a dead body of a bald cult member, it takes a moment for Stan to recognize him]

Stan: [gasps] Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: [off screen, in the distance] You bastards!

Stan: Kyle? Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle: [still off screen, in the distance] You bastards!

Stan: [follows Kyle's voice] Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Cartman: [to Stan and Kyle] Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!

Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.

Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.

Stan No, I'm Stan.

Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?

Stan: Who are you?

Kyle: I'm Kyle.

Cartman: He-he, guess who I am, guys?

Kyle: I'm not going anywhere.

Stan: Goddammit, I'm not going with you! I want to stay here!

Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.

Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?

Kyle: You're Stan.

Scott Tenorman Must Die [5.4][edit]

[As Cartman tries to recruit the other kids to help him take revenge]

Stan: Why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?

Cartman: Oh, right. Why should we care? Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Well, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take MY GODDAMNED SIXTEEN DOLLARS AND TWELVE CENTS!" Now who's with me?!

[Cartman turns around; All the other kids have left, except for Timmy]

Timmy: Timmy!

Cartman: [groans] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy.

Timmy: Eu uh, living a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room on his wheelchair]

Thom Yorke: [in response to why the band should fly to Colorado] Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!

Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] God, this is really good, Scott!

Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.

Cartman: [through a mouthful of chili] What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]

Scott: What?

Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins's pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [a shot of Cartman talking to Denkins, who is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [a shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [the Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony. Seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them; they go down]

Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassing and I was protecting myself. I-I have my rights.

Scott: My...mom and dad are...dead? [a shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]

Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [a shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could personally tell you about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behind Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [a gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."

Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger; he tosses it away] Oh my God! [vomits off to the side]

Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are horrified]

Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!

Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! Nooo! [Radiohead, not knowing what has just happened, arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]

Thom: Um, excuse me?

Stan: Who are you?

Jonny: We're that band, Radio head.

Ed: [to Scott] Jeez, what a little crybaby!

Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?

Thom: You know, everyone has problems. It doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.

Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]

Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.

Phil: Little crybaby.

Scott: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiit! Oh my God, Oh my Gooood! [buries his face in the table and bawls again.] Nooo!

Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yeees! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.

Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.

Stan: Good call.

Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Mm-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face] Mm-yummy, you guys! [fade out, then quickly back in to Looney Tunes-style iris] Be-de-be-de, that's all, folks!

Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow [5.5][edit]

Young Terrance and Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham

Step to the left and clap your hands!

Gosh, we love that chicken and ham

Don't they love that chicken and ham?

Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?

Man: It's all right, darling. They're just Canadian.

Woman: Oh.

Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried about all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this "cold war."

Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts]

Phillip: Say, Terrance, what should we do about this strange planet we've crashed on?

Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.

Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts; they both laugh]

Goat Leader: As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.

Phillip: Wow, that sucks.

Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do this show, I'll make you eat your parents!

Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.

Stan: He'll do it, dude!

Stan: Look, you guys! That line isn't long!

Kyle: Yeah, but we're not female groupies or random sluts!

Cartman: Kenny's a random slut!

Cartmanland [5.6][edit]

Kyle: [to God] Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama! And you give Cartman a million dollars?!

Cartman: If you see anyone on my property, especially Stan or Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!

Cartman: What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.

Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.

[Kyle is in the hospital after popping his hemorrhoid]

Stan: Dude, are you okay?

Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan: Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you! [beat] Kyle?

Kyle: Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there a-and found this.. big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I-I had to tell my mother, w-which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a-and he told me... I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park.

Stan: ...Kyle, I-I understand what you mean, but—

Kyle: Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes! And every week I try to better myself! I'm always saying, "You know, I learned something today", and what does this so-called God give me in return?! A hemorrhoid! It doesn't make sense! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!? Ow...

Mr. Fun: My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!

Chris: He sure did.

Mr. Fun: Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this.

Cartman: Hey, there you are!

Mr. Fun: Oh, hello! Congratulations on your success.

Cartman: Just give me my money back.

Mr. Fun: What?

Cartman: I changed my mind, I don't want your stupid park.

Mr. Fun: ..But it's doing great!

Cartman: You call this great?! I call that hell! Trade me back, god darn it!

Mr. Fun: You bet! I'll go get your money right now! [both leave]

Kid: Daddy, Daddy, can we ride the rockets?

Cartman: GOD DARN IT, GET THE TUCK OUTTA MY WAY!

Proper Condom Use [5.7][edit]

Sharon: Stanley, what the heck are you doing!?

Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket! [everyone is shocked]

Sharon: Stanley, go to your room, right now!

Stan: My room? Why?

Sharon: Go, Stanley! [chuckles nervously] He gets very good grades.

[later, in Stan's room]

Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?

Stan: No.

Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. [Sharon looks at him] Uh, I mean ever. Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

Miss Choksondik: You think that sex is about fun and games and love? Wrong! Sex is about disease.

Chef: The right time to start having sex is 17.

Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?

Chef: Nope, just 17.

Gerald: But what if you're not ready at 17?

Chef: 17, you're ready.

Stan: [he and Kyle are playing with a girl doll and a plastic car] So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez.

Kyle: [as Jennifer Lopez] No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make any more albums or movies!

Stan: That's what you said last time, but obviously we must resort to more drastic measures. [pulls out a magnifying glass and uses sun rays to burn the doll]

Kyle: AHHHHH, IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Stan: Scream for me, bitch!

Kyle: AH!

[the doll's face melts off]

Kyle and Stan: Whoa, awesome!

Mr. Garrison: Now, class, who can tell me what a condom is? Yes, Jenny?

Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.

Mr. Garrison: That's a condor, Jenny. Condor. Condoms are what we use to stop the spread of ST D's. Yes, Fillmore?

Fillmore: Can we do finger paints?

Mr. Garrison: NO, WE CAN'T DO FINGER PAINTS! You kids want herpes, huh? How about a nice bucket of AIDS? Sounds good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [pulls out a box of condoms and a dildo] First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth [he does so] ...and apply. [demonstrates on the dildo; one of the kids starts to cry] And it's as easy as that. Any questions?

Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr. Garrison]

Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?

Ms. Choksondik: Are you wearing a condom?

Mr. Mackey: Uh, no.

Ms. Choksondik: Oh, well. Duck it.

Mr. Mackey: Eric, what the heck are you doing?

Cartman: I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.

Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?

Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.

Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around. You have to get it from sex.

[all the 4th-grade boys go to the drugstore]

Male Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?

Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!

Male Pharmacist: Condoms...

Kyle: Yeah, quick!

Male Pharmacist: ...How old are you boys?

Stan: Why does that matter?

Butters: I'll be 9 next week!

Male Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.

Kyle: Why not?! You want us to get AIDS?

Male Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should-

Female Pharmacist: Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

Male Pharmacist: But...they're children!

Female Pharmacist: Would you rather them do it unprotected?

Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, you asshole?

Male Pharmacist: I just think all this sex-ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!

Female Pharmacist: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan: Jeez, I'm glad this lady's on our side.

Male Pharmacist: I don't even think we'll have any that fit them!

Female Pharmacist: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids: Lil' Minis! They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a pack of 50.

Butters: 50?! Oh, can't we just use the same one every day?!

Female Pharmacist: No, you have to change them.

Kyle: Oh jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things!

the boys are reading the condom instructions]

Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?

Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to r-roll it over your wiener. [reading the disclaimer] If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studs. [ST D's]

Kyle: What are studs?

Butters: Huh...how the heck should I know? [opens condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut! [touches it] Oh, ohhhh...it's all gooey!

Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.

Butters: How come I got to go first?

Cartman: Butters, will you stop uh-...filibustering?

Butters: Oh all right then. [turns around and pulls his pants down] Oh, it's all sticky.

Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.

Butters: I don't even understand how this thing-oh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman looks over]

Stan: Don't look at Butters's sch long, gay mo!

Cartman: I wasn't looking at his sch long! I was seeing how to put the condom on!

Kyle: Sure...

Butters: But it won't stay on. I need a rubber band or something.

Tweek: Gah! I got rubber bands!

Butters: [fastening the condom with rubber bands] Ow! Oh... ow! Okay... ow! There... okay, I think it's on.

Stan: How do you feel?

Butters: ...Pretty good.

Cartman: Do you feel protected?

Butters: Yeah, I don't think nothing's getting in my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.

Stan: All right, here, everybody. Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. And somebody's got to help Timmy get his condom on.

Timmy: TIMMY!

[The boys approach a stronghold with a moat and the words "Boys keep out" painted on the gate. Butters is driving a toy electric car and wearing a hockey mask. The girls are heavily armed]

Wendy: [at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't want to get pregnant!

Bebe: Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!

Stan: Ha! They're your diseases!

Kyle: Yeah! You get out of town!

Cartman: Here, talk to them, Butters.

Butters: [lifts up his mask] Uh, me? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?

Cartman: Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.

Butters: [lowers his mask and speaks into the mike. A deep, raspy voice comes out] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.

Kyle: [to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.

Towelie [5.8][edit]

Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna get high?

Cartman: Towelie, you are the worst character ever.

Towelie: I know.

Towelie: If you go to a motel, be sure to bring your own towel.

Cartman: You just have no long-term memory because you get high all the time.

Towelie: Don't preach to me, fatso!

Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!

Towelie: You're stupid!

Cartman: Oh yeah, well you're a towel!

Towelie: You're a towel!

Towelie: Oh man, I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's going on.

Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!

Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants [5.9][edit]

Stan: America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the heck out of the stadium.

Cartman: I told you, jawas have no heart.

Kyle: Jawas?

Cartman: You know, sand people.

Stan's Afghan counterpart: [to the other counterparts] We're speaking in English; does that make sense?

CNN Newscaster: The world has backed down from its support of the U.S., saying they were only really just kidding.

Kyle: You really think that your civilization is better than ours? You people play games by killing animals and oppress women!

Afghan Kid: It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walking down the red carpet at the Emmy's.

Stan: [to Kyle] He's got us there, dude.

Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel! [the boys are irritated]

Cartman: Oh no, not Towelie.

Towelie: When going some place new, you should always bring a towel.

Stan: Okay, thanks, Towelie.

Towelie : You want to get high?

Cartman: [talking fast] NO WE DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH!

Towelie: You mean, you don't want Towelie around?

Cartman: That's right!

Towelie: So am I to understand, there's been a...Towelie ban? [chuckles. The boys are irritated again]

Stan: God darn it, get the heck out of here, Towelie!

Towelie: Alright, see ya.

Randy Marsh: Stanley, your mom's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go outside and play with your big brown package from Afghanistan?

Randy Marsh: Sharon, don't you think maybe you should watch something else? You've been watching CNN for about [checks his watch] eight weeks now?

[The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers]

Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, boys, it's about time we get back to our house in Canada, isn't it?

Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddamn Canadian and neither are you.

Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

How to Eat with Your Butt [5.10][edit]

Photographer: Take off your hat, please?

Kyle: But I never take off my hat.

Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of you looking natural.

Kyle: This is how I look natural.

Jimmy: Why did the...pigeon cross the road?

Cartman: Okay, why?

Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chichi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-chicken.

The Entity [5.11][edit]

[Kyle's cousin = Kyle. Kyle Broflovski = Kyle 2]

[Kyle 2 is paying Cartman $40 not to rip on his cousin for being Jewish]

Ms. Choksondik: Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeed in my class.

Cartman: Maybe we should send him to a concentration camp. Oh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Kyle 2: Cartman!

Kyle 2: But what about Cartman?! He rips on ME for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!

Kyle 2: [after seeing commercial for IT] That looks pretty gay.

Here Comes the Neighborhood [5.12][edit]

Will Smith Jr: ...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.

Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids?

They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns

And cut-up hot dogs for lunch

It's not my fault my parents succeed so much

There's no one in town I can relate to

I play with autographed baseball bats

While everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones

Has a boy ever felt so alone?

Well, who needs them, anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not

If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got

If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around

So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so… down

Please, God, send more rich kids…

To my…town

I don't fit in anywhere.

Mr. Garrison: Well at least we got rid of those god darn neg- [episode ends]

Kenny Dies [5.13][edit]

Cartman: [on the phone] Oh, please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck... Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!

Cartman: I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [laughs]

Stan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone Else's f-f-friend?

Chef: Stan, sometimes God take those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about Himself. He's a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all passed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it. So he doesn't care who he takes: children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?

Stan: Then why does God give us anything to start with?

Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first, you give it a lollipop. Then, you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothing to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.

Stan: I think I understand.

[Kenny has just died]

Stan: Did he say anything before he went?

Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"

Butters' Very Own Episode [5.14][edit]

Butters: [on seeing his dad "wrestling"] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!

Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for saying' "nut sack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [slaps his right hand with his left]

Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some god darn poontang.

Butters: Yeah. I could use some god darn poontang myself right now.

Butters: Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?

Old Man: That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. [indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest] Course, I have never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, Lotta history on that road.

Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!

Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys: One of us, One of us, Gobble Gobble, Gobble Gobble, One of us!"

Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J.. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a liar!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "You know something that you're not telling us, you slimy scumbag liar!" [back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer"! [a shot of O.J.] "You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Tell us what you know, you goddamned liar!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "You know goddamn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you murdering murderers!" [a shot of O.J.] "Confess!" [a shot of Condit] "Liar! Confess!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.

Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan: Really?

Butters: No, I'm lying.

Jared Has Aides [6.1][edit]

Jared Fogle: [beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES!? WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT TO GIVE THEM AIDES!?

Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Cartman: Darn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your ace till you're deader than Kenny!

Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.

Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?

Stan: 22.3 years.

Cartman: Darn, that's a long time to wait.

Chris Stotch: Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!

Butters: Yes, sir.

Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!

Butters: Four times, Mom.

Chris Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Butters: Yes, sir...

[Butters collapses down on the floor, near-death. Chris and Linda feel disgusted for a beat]

Chris Stotch: Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!

Chris Stotch: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.

Chris Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.

Chris Stotch: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.

Chris Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.

Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.

Linda Stotch: [shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.

Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!

Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you-you old horse-banging stank.

Butters: Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.

Cartman: Then eat your puke!

Butters: No!

Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!

[Cartman sets his chair and is seated at the front of Butters's house, before Chris and Linda rushed all the way to enter the door]

Butters: [inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!

Chris Stotch: DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK! (THUNK!)

Butters: Ow. Dad? [Cartman eating popcorn and slurps slushee]

Linda Stotch: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER! (BAHK!)

Butters: Ah! What did I do? What did I do?

Chris Stotch: YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW!? ANSWER ME!

Butters: (BASH!) Dahh..!

Cartman: Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

Asspen [6.2][edit]

Thumper: [motioning to Butters's "Hitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.

Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.

Thumper: We're going to take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're going to fall, you're going to have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are going to cross, going to have a bad time.

Thumper: If you French fry when you should have Pizza's, you're going to have a bad time...

Tad: What's your name, hot shot?

Stan: Stan. Marsh.

Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.

Cartman: Hey, you guys, Butters is asleep.

Stan: He's such a douche-bag.

Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...

Stan: And then what?

Cartman: ...and then you pee on them!

[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]

Kyle: No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!

Cartman: Oh, really? Oh, well.

[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]

Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.

Stan: Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!

[silence]

Kyle: You don't even know Heather!

Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?

[An old man walks into the shot]

Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire witchcraft Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.

[silence]

Stan: Thank you.

Old Man: Yap.

Freak Strike [6.3][edit]

Kyle: This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!

Butters: I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.

Cartman: Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatever-I do what I want!

Man with Terrible Skin Condition: The first group will be lead by Incredibly Obese Black Man.

Large-Sized African-American Freak: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.

Man with Terrible Skin Condition: Oh right, my bad.

Butters: I've got to get back to my family.

Man with Terrible Skin Condition: We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.

Unlabeled Freak: Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.

Audience Member: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]

Maury Povich: Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.

Cartman: Whatever, I'll crap in Maury's pants!

Vanessa: [after being booed by the audience] Whatever! Whatever! You bucking cocksuckers don't know shoot! Buck you!

Cartman: I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! Whatever, I do what I want!

Vanessa: You aren't bad, you aren't nothing! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!

Cartman: I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatever, I do what I want!

Cartman: I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! Whatever, I do what I want!

Maury Povich: Wow! That is out of control!

Fun with Veal [6.4][edit]

[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]

Stan: Psst, Cartman.

Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!

Stan: Cartman, wake up!

Cartman:: What the heck are you guys doing?

Kyle: C'mon, we got to go.

Cartman: Where are we going?

Stan: We're going to go save the baby cows, fat-ass.

Cartman: What? Why?

Kyle: 'Cause they're going to get slaughtered Tomorrow, butt-hole.

Cartman: So...

Stan: We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.

Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fat-ass, butt-hole and douche-bag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.

Butters: But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!

Stan: Darn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!

Cartman: Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!

Stan: Yes we do!

Cartman: Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]

Kyle: What?!

Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.

Kyle: Screw you, Cartman!

Cartman: Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.

Stan: Go on, dude it's the only way.

Kyle: No!

Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.

Stan: Just do it really fast, and we can go.

Kyle: Have Butters kiss it.

Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]

Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]

Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!

Kyle: Sick! I felt it on my face!

Stan: Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!

Cartman: Well, I'm not going with you!

[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]

Randy Marsh: Stan, you're behaving like a kid!

Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!

Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan?! We saved the baby calves from being eaten and now we're no-good DIRTY GOD DARN HIPPIES!

Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?

Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!

[Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]

Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!

Glen Dumont: What?! I-I can't do that!

Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talking here, but I guess you're not talking to me. Good-bye.

Glen Dumont: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.

Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not going to work.

[The phone rings; Cartman picks up]

Cartman: Mike.

Mike: How we doing?

Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?

Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.

Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!

FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.

Mike: All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.

FBI Leader: Get the heck out of here!

Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!

Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!

Cartman: Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!

Doctor: You see these sores are all tiny vaginas. If he had stopped eating meat completely, he would've turned into one giant pussy.

The New Terrance and Phillip Movie Trailer [6.5][edit]

Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!

Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.

Butters: Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.

Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?

Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?

Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!

Kyle: Uh, why not?!

Butters: Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.

Cartman: [glares at Butters] Oh, god darn it, you better be kidding!

Butters: No, I really don't have a babysitter.

Russell Crowe: Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!

Russell Crowe: My fighting's poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! [beats up the editor]

Chef: Hello, is this customer service? I'm having a problem with my new Television: it's sprouted laser guns and started walking around shooting people.

Professor Chaos [6.6][edit]

Cartman: I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...

Kyle: Lame.

Cartman: Lame, yes.

Butters: But I can get better!

Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.

Kyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.

Towelie: [high] Well, I really hope I win 'cause... Wait, what is this again? Oh, man, I have no idea what's going on.

Pip: Can I have some tea, please?

Cartman: You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!

Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.

Simpsons Already Did It [6.7][edit]

General Disarray: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!

Kyle: I told you, Cartman.

Cartman: Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!

Cartman: [explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley-stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!

Stan: Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?

Cartman: Suck it out of a hose, yeah.

Stan: Oh.

Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

Chef: Oh, well hello there, children.

Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.

Chef: Oh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell old Chef what's going on.

Stan: We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.

Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And -wait! What the-WHAT?!

Stan: So what should we do?

[Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]

Red Hot Catholic Love [6.8][edit]

Chef: Hello there, children.

Stan: Chef, what would a priest want to do to my ass?

Chef: Good-bye.

Bishop: O Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican laws.

Queen Spider: No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.

Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, this week.

Sharon: So, what did you guys do with your day off today?

Stan: Cartman shoved his lunch up his ares and crapped out his mouth.

Sharon: Stanley!

Stan: He did!

Randy: Stan, it doesn't work like that.

Stan: Yes it does.

Randy: No, it doesn't.

Stan: Yeah, it does.

[Randy curiously looks at his food]

Priest: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.

Cardinal: Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?

Father Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys.

Congregation: Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!

Father Maxi: Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.

Congregation of Cardinals: Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Gilgamek Cardinal: The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?

Father Maxi: Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.

Gilgamek Cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?!

Gilgamek Cardinals: Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Free Hat [6.9][edit]

Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...

[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]

Announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.

Announcer: And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."

Stan: [disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?

Cartman: Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.

Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.

Stan: That's gay...

Announcer: Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...

[a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]

Announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie talkies.

[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]

[a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]

Announcer: The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]

[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]

Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of-

Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.

Cartman: No, he has an icy heart.

Kyle: But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.

Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.

Cartman: But it's a cool island song.

Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?

George Lucas: ALL RIGHT, that does it!

Man 1: Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!

Members: Yeah!

Tweek: No!

Skeeter: No?

Man 2: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.

Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?

Man 3: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.

Man 4: That's it!

[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]

Tweek: [from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!

Spielberg: The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!

Tweek: [leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.

Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.

Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.

Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.

Cartman: Wow!

Tweek: Except for Cartman. You can keep him!

Cartman: Ey!

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society [6.10][edit]

Bebe's Mother: Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?

Bebe's Mother: Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.

Bebe: Having boobs sucks.

Wendy: [fake coughing] Slut! Slut!

Butters: [feeling Wendy's enhanced breasts] Eew! They're all hard and oogy!

Cartman: [the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.

Kyle: Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.

Cartman: And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...

Stan: [angrily] Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.

Cartman: [whining] Please?

Stan: No.

Cartman: All right, then I guess we have no choice- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.

Kyle: No way, dude, Tweak's cool.

Stan: Yeah!

Cartman: Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?

[The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]

Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.

[Cartman approaches the group.]

Cartman: [furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Buck you, Kyle, and buck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Buck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]

Child Abduction Is Not Funny [6.11][edit]

[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]

Stan: Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.

Mr. Tweek: It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.

Mrs. Marsh: Right, do what you would normally do.

Kyle: [awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.

Cartman: [just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.

Sheila: What-what-WHAT?!

Mr. Mackey: Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?

Clyde's Dad: Nineteen-sixty-

Mr. Mackey: No helping!

Mr. Mackey: I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?

Mr. Tweek: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!

Chris Stotch: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!

Mr. Tweek: Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]

Tuong Lu Kim: Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shorty wall!

Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall? That is bull shoot! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all of you! I eat ah-rice and drive dreary stow, just like the rest of you! I'm not stereotype!

Tuong Lu Kim: When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick alright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-wo-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.

Parents: [in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!

Mr. Mackey: Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?

Mr. Mackey's Dad: We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, M'kay?

Mr. Mackey: M'kay.

News Reporter: And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.

Stan: [after their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.

Stan: [muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ!

A Ladder to Heaven [6.12][edit]

Mr. Garrison: [nonchalantly] A ladder to heaven? That's sucking stupid.

Reporter: Do you believe in the ladder to heaven?

Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis... [the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen] And the pearly gates are the- [static]

Fat Man: If Saddam Hussein was an 8-year-old boy and my penis were the United States, then there wou- [cameraman steers away] Hard nipples! [cut to anchor]

Anchor: Goddammit. [holds up static screen and imitates static]

Kyle: Dude, what the heck's wrong with you?

Cartman: I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.

Kyle: Maybe you've got brain cancer.

Cartman: You think?!

Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.

Alan Jackson:

Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?

Did it make you feel like crying?

Or did you think it was kinda gay?

Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11

I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…

…Eleven

Alan Jackson: [in voice more high-pitched than his singing voice] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]

[during flashback]

Cartman: [singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto

He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride

'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside

In the ghetto, in the ghetto

Kenny: Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching [[w:vagina|vagina]!

Cartman: What did you say?

Kenny: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching [[w:vagina|vagina]!

Cartman: What did you say?!

[after flashback]

Cartman: I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching [[w:vagina|vagina]! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching [[w:vagina|vagina]?

Cartman: Maybe, we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.

Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.

The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers [6.13][edit]

Stan: We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]

Butters: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Kyle: The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!

Butters: But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!

Cartman: Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!

[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]

Butters: RAAGH!

Kyle: Butters! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!

Butters: Well then... then let me go with you.

Kyle: Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.

Butters: Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, thumping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...

Kyle: Butters, what the heck are you doing!?

Butters: Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...

Kyle: GET THE HECK OFF ME! You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us!

Butters: Let me have the tape!

Stan: No, we have to return it! [all leave]

Butters: My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious...

[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]

Kid 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!

Kid 2: I blocked your spell, wizard.

Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Kid 1: We're playing Harry Potter.

[slight pause]

Cartman: HA! FAGS!

Randy: And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila: Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

Gerald: All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

Randy: I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

Gerald/Chris: BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?

Linda: It's that bad?

Chris: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

Gerald: I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila: [lightly slaps Gerald] How the heck do you know?!

Gerald: I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila: [to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

Sharon: We're sorry!

Liane: Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila: Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

Randy: I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters: [grasping the window outside] Precious! Let me see my precious! Please!

Mr. Black: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.

Randy Marsh: Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's [[w:vagina|vagina]. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.

Token: [beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?

Mr. Black: Jesus, what kind of porno was that?

Gerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.

Mr. Black: Oh Jesus, not that one!

Jimmy: [to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.

Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butt-hole Pussy Potter!

The Death Camp of Tolerance [6.14][edit]

Mr. Garrison: I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.

Kyle: TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!

Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.

Mr. Slave: Hi, kids. Hm.

Mr. Garrison: So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.

Cartman: [whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.

Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?

Cartman: No, it was Kenny!

Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!

Cartman: I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.

Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr Slave...

Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.

Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?

Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.

[school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]

Mr. Garrison: [slightly nonplussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.

[school board applaud again]

Mr. Garrison: [whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.

Mr. Slave: [singing] I've got a little- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the heck's happening in there?

[in Mr. Slave's stomach]

Frog King: [to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!

[back up top]

Mr. Slave: Aah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]

School Board Member: Courageous.

Another School Board Member: So courageous.

Mr. Garrison: [finally losing his temper] God darn it, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!

Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.

Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!

Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.

Cartman: Tolerance kicks ass!

[everyone laughs]

Randy Marsh: That's our Cartman.

Mr. Slave: [lisping] Oh Jesuth Chrith!

Tour Guide: Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"-

Kyle: Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.

Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

The Biggest Douche in the Universe [6.17][edit]

Cartman's mom: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?

Doctor: I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.

Cartman's mom: Why, what's wrong with him?

Doctor: It's his time, it's running out.

Cartman's mom: Well, what does he need?

Doctor: He needs to have more time.

Cartman's mom: What can we do?

Doctor: Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider derp DE derp. Derp DE derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp DE derp, DE tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB." Rated PG-13.

John Edward: But, I'm a psychic.

Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.

John Edward: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?

Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.

John Edward: I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.

Stan: I'm 9 years old.

John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm going to call the police!

Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

John Edward: You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!

Stan: I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.

John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?

Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is a stapler! And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.

John Edward: Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.

Woman: My Harry died last year.

John Edward: Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, woo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?

Woman: They did involve stuff, yes!

Audience: Ah, yes!

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street Executive who has everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become a carrot!

Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!

TV Announcer: It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.

TV Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy! And he's about to find out that being 8 isn't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.

Chef's Dad: [in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] God darn it! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!

Chef's Mom: Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!

Cartman: Hey, guys! How's it going?

Chef: Cartman?

Stan: No, that's Kenny.

Cartman: What the heck are you assholes doing here?

Stan: That's Cartman.

Chef's Dad: Well, I guess the child's a pot roast now.

[After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]

Stan and Kyle: Weak!

Cartman: [laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.

[leaving a John Edward show]

Chef: Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!

Stan: He seemed a lot better on TV?

Chef: ...Yeah.

My Future Self n' Me [6.18][edit]

Butters: Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.

[Butters goes into the closet]

Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.

[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]

Butters: Hahahahahaa! Now you know my terrible secret!

Stan: You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.

Butters: Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!

Cartman: Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!

Future Cartman: Right on!

Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm going to spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!

[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]

Future Cartman: God darn it!

Cartman: Have you seen the poop swatches?

Butters: All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.

Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!

Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!

Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!

Red Sleigh Down [6.19][edit]

Cartman: Isn't there anything I can do?!

Kyle's cousin: If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.

Cartman: Jesus Christ!

[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]

Jesus: Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!

[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]

Santa: [to an Iraqi] I'm gonna ducking kill you!

Iraqi: You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.

Santa: Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shoot!

Santa: I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!

Santa: Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.

Randy:Stan!

Sheila:Kyle!

[Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth season]

Kenny: Hey, guys what's going on?

Stan: Oh, hey, Kenny.

Kyle: Hey, dude, where have you been?

Kenny: Over there. [points off screen]

I'm A Little Bit Country [7.1][edit]

[breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]

Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.

Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.

Stan: What the heck are they doing now?

Kyle: [face palm] Ah, I don't know.

Everybody: For the war, against, the war, who cares!? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]

Kyle: I love this town. I really, really do.

Krazy Kripples [7.2][edit]

Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.

TV reporter: ...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Toilet Paper [7.3][edit]

Grocery Clerk: You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.

Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.

Grocery Clerk: Toilet paper, toilet paper...

Kyle: You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?

Cartman: No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.

Kyle: Oh...ewww!

[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]

Kyle: Ow! What the heck are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman: I'm killing you. Unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]

Josh: Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove-you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady: Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!

Guard: Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?

Josh: [in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.

Josh: Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?

Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.

Josh: Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?

Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles's laps! [breaks down into sobs]

Josh: [in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.

Principal Victoria: Will you people stop barging into my office, please?

Josh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?

Stan: You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.

Cartman: Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.

Kyle: I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?

Stan: Yes, dude!

Cancelled [7.4][edit]

All: [singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da-

[Ike hops onscreen]

Kyle: Aw, darn it!

Stan: What?

Kyle: My god darn brother is trying to follow me to school again!

Ike: Suck my balls.

Kyle: No Ike, you can't come to school with me.

Cartman: Yeah, go home, you little dildo!

Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!

Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.

[Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]

Stan: Dude! Sweet!

Kyle: Yeah. Check it out! Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the god darn baby!

Kyle: Kick it! [kicks Ike]

[an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]

Kyle: Are you okay?

Cartman: Dude... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.

Chef: Well, doctor?

Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream...

[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]

Stan: You alright?

Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!

Najix: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!

Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!

Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.

Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.

Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your wagon.

Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each others's wagons!

Chef: He's a doctor who specializes in your hole, children.

Stan: You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes?

Chef: That's right!

Kyle: What a dick!

Fat Butt and Pancake Head [7.5][edit]

Jennifer Lopez: How the heck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!

Mexican Guy: Yeah, me too.

Record Dude: She's from Mexico, just like you.

Jennifer Lopez: I ain't from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!

Cartman: Mom-m-m, Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!

Cartman: Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hennifer Lopez.

Cartman: No no, Jeh.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Heh.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): You can suck my culo, chica!

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Hola, bichola!

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): Ben! You bought me roses!

Ben Affleck: Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez): I can't stop thinking about you either Ben!

Ben Affleck: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.

Kyle: Cartman, who in the world is Mitch Conner?

Cartman: Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?

Kyle: All right, all right. I guess it's kind of possible-

Cartman: Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!

Lil' Crime Stoppers [7.6][edit]

[the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men kill themselves and a lot of damage has been done]

Lt. Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand dollars, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand dollars! The mayor's going to have my ass!

Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the-

Lt. Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!

Kyle: We're sorry.

Lt. Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!

[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]

Officer Murphy: Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.

[the officers begin to giggle]

Officer Jenkins: Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?

Officer Hopkins: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.

Officer Murphy: Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?

Cartman: Uh, bonus?

Officer Murphy: Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?

Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.

Officer Murphy: Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?

Officer Jenkins: Yeah! Who the heck are you to say that?!

Officer Hopkins: I said, back off, Murphy!

Officer Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?

Officer Jenkins: That's right. Come on, bring it!

Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!

Lt. Dawson: What the heck is the problem here?!

Officer Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.

Lt. Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of ya!

Red Man's Greed [7.7][edit]

Stan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.

Randy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.

Stan: A winning streak?! You played one game!

Randy: Stan? Okay?

Stan: What?

Randy: All right? Stan? Okay?

Stan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!

Randy:Hey, mister! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans.

Randy: Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.

Stan: No Dad, No!

Randy: Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.

Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son.

Randy: There's more to life than profits.

Indian Chief: Really, Like what?

Randy: You know, like Slurpees and stuff.

Randy: Ah women. God I hate them.

Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?

Randy: Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.

Indian Chief: Sorry, there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.

Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumb ass, do you see a shovel in my hand?

South Park Is Gay! [7.8][edit]

Cartman: Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times gayer than you are!

Cartman: Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.

Stan: Well what can we do about it?

Cartman: We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.

Mr. Garrison: Eric, you're not half bi.

Cartman: I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.

Mr. Garrison: What?!

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place?

Mr. Tweek: Why?

Mr. Garrison: Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.

Mr. Slave: Ooh. Jesus Christ!

Mr. Tweek: Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.

Mr. Garrison: Straight? Jesus, what the heck is going on here?! Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?

Randy: Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.

Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!

Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.

Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!

Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?

Chef: Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.

Mr. Slave: How did you do that?

Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hideous." Hideous became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to Lizzie, then "in the fizzle" which we had to change to "fizzle of swizzle," and now, because white people say "fizzle of swizzle," we have to say "flippy floppily flop."

Mr. Garrison: We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippy floppily flop.

Chef: Oh no! Darn it! Don't call it that!

All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!

Crab Person: Taste like crab, talk like people.

All Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!

Cartman, Stan, Kenny: We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!

Christian Rock Hard [7.9][edit]

Randy: Stan, are you okay?

Stan: Yeah, Dad, we're just rehearsing our band.

Randy: Oh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door, Eric laughs sarcastically]

Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.

Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.

Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god darn bass line.

Token: [playing a flawless funky bass melody] God darn it.

Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.

Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!

Sheila: Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.

Butters: Oh, we're not really Christian! We're just pretending we are!

[the elderly woman customer walks away shocked, Cartman glares at Butters]

Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

Sergeant Yates: Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else-I fear-recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.

Cartman: [singing]

Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go

My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door

I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights?

Cartman: [singing]

I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus

I want to feel his salvation all over my face

TV Reporter: When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegally downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the heck is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.

Kyle: We're not letting you back in our band, Cartman! Back off!

Cartman: I don't want to be in your crappy band, guys.

Stan: You don't know anything about Christianity, Cartman!

Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.

James Hetfield (of Metallica): We're going to protest until music downloading stops.

Cartman: Oh, Funk Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams]

Butters: Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.

Token: Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.

Cartman: Who funking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUNK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]

Man: My ears are bleeding!

Token: Good job, dick head, you've lost the entire audience!

Cartman: Oh, heck you, Token, you black asshole!

[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]

Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]

Butters: [pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Heck you, Eric! [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone on his knees, face down]

Grey Dawn [7.10][edit]

Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

Stan: I think old people should have rights, grandpa. I just don't want to die.

Randy: Oh, brother. Good job, Dad. Look at you now.

Grandpa Marsh: Oh, god darn it! Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch!

Randy: You just had to be so darn stubborn, didn't you?

Grandpa Marsh: Now my son is going to talk to me like I'm 12!

Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hmm? Who's a sorry sorry?

Grandpa Marsh: Kiss my sagging ass!

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. Oh, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!

Kyle: It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!

Cartman: I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?

Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but the seniors get up so early in the morning they...get everything done before everyone else is even awake.

Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the whole country!

Randy: Yes... And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight them.

Stan: No, come on dad! Can't you guys do it?

Randy: No, son, we...like to sleep in.

Randy: Son! Avenge me! Avenge... meh!

Casa Bonita [7.11][edit]

Kyle: You guys! I have awesome news!

Cartman: You have AIDS?

Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants!

Cartman: This Saturday awesome!

Kyle: Who said I'm inviting you?

Cartman: Your mom said you are taking 3 friends.

Kyle: Yes. 3 Friends. You're not my friend.

Cartman: Come on Kyle who are you going to invite besides Stan and Kenny?

Kyle: I'm going to take Butters. He invited me to his Birthday last month so I owe him one.

Cartman: Butters?! You're going to take that butt-hole? Why?

Kyle: Because Butters have never been a total dick to me!

Cartman: I have never been a dick to you!

Kyle: Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!

Cartman: Kyle, when is the last time I rip on you for being a Jew? [flashback clips occur from when Cartman rips on Kyle for being Jewish on other past episodes]

Cartman: [flashback ends] OK, expect maybe for that one time...

Kyle: You've always been a dick to me Cartman, and I'm not inviting you.

Cartman: Kyle, You don't understand. Casa Bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world. I'll just-I'll Just die if you don't take me, please!

Kyle: Sorry, my mind is made up.

Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off] WELL, HECK YOU, KYLE! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO YOUR HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY ANYWAY! I'D RATHER HANG OUT AT HOME THAN HAVE TO BE WITH YOU AND YOUR JEW MOM ALL DAY! KISS MY BALLS, HOLE!

[Cartman leaves but returns moments later]

Cartman: Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really, really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but I think it was good, and we've moved past it.

Kyle: I'm not inviting you, Casa Bonita!

Cartman: [exploding and flipping Kyle off again] WELL, HECK YOU, KYLE! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU NECKING DIE!

[Cartman leaves and this time, he doesn't return]

[Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice sweater]

Cartman: Hey Kyle.

Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.

Cartman: What isn't it?

Kyle: That isn't being nice, that's just putting on a nice sweater.

Cartman: I don't understand the difference.

Kyle: I know you don't. [closes the door]

Cartman: Take that Jimmy and that! DON'T YOU DARE TALK BAD ABOUT KYLE AGAIN! KYLE'S MY FRIEND AND IF YOU SAID IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH KYLE'S MOM I WILL LET YOU REALLY HAVE IT! DID YOU HEAR ME?! Oh. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Do you really think beating up handicap kids is being nice?

Cartman: Hey Kyle! Knock knock, Kyle! Knock knock!

Kyle: Yeah Casa Bonita this Saturday!

Butters: Wow, that's going to be so great!

Stan: Yeah. Just the four of us.

Kenny: Yeah!

Cartman: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Well. How are you going to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?

Cartman: I'm not Kyle. I already know you told Butters he can go.

Kyle: Oh. Well, I did.

Cartman: So fine, Kyle, but honestly I never meant to treat you as you don't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap but we also have been through a lot together. Maybe that alone doesn't makes us friends but it makes us something. So fine, Kyle, I hope things will be cool.

Kyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.

Cartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see you later.

Kyle: Hey, Cartman? You really sure you don't care if you can't go?

Cartman: I care sure but I hope it doesn't mean you, me, Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.

Kyle: That's what I wanted to hear from all along. I still have to take Butters but I hope things can be cool to.

Cartman: Sure.

Kyle: Hey, if for some reason Butters is unable to go you can take his place.

Cartman: Sweet whatever! [Walking away from Kyle] Bingo!

Kyle: Where is Butters? We are supposed to leave 40 minutes ago.

Kyle's mom: Well, I think we should be going without him Kyle because it's getting late.

Kyle: Yeah screw him let's go.

[Doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, finally!

Cartman: Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just came to stop here to you your present.

Kyle: Oh. Thanks dude!

Cartman: Hope you have a good one, I'll see you later.

Kyle: Oh wait, Cartman.

[Cartman stops]

Cartman: Yes?

Kyle: Butters didn't show. You want to go to Casa Bonita with us?

Cartman: Butters didn't show? I can't believe it. Are you sure you told him the right time and everything?

Kyle: I told him 5:30 and he we got to get going. Are you in?

Cartman: Well I should be going home to get my no I have everything I need lets go.

Kyle: Alright let's go.

Kyle's mom: Okay, boys, get in the car.

Cartman: Casa Bonita, here we come.

Kyle's mom: Oh Hello, Mr. Stotch.

Butters dad: Hello, everyone. Have any of you seen our son?

Kyle: Butters is supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita Tonight.

Butters Dad: We know but he hasn't been home since last Night. The police been looking everywhere but well thank you. Please let us know if you find out with anything.

Kyle: Dude weak.

Cartman: Yeah, man That sucks about Butters. Well, let's get going, shall we.

Kyle: Nah. Dude, I can't go to a birthday party while Butters is missing.

Stan: Yeah, it's kind of weird.

Cartman: Yeah, Yeah. I think you're right but on the other hand I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters.

Kyle: Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.

Stan: Yeah.

Kyle's mom: That's very good of you boys. We can post phone Casa Bonita till next Saturday.

Cartman: Next Saturday?! I'll never be able to keep Butters down in the depts of my heart for that long. I sure he shows up he turns up before then.

Stan: Dude we should check over at Stark's pond Butters always hangs out there.

Kyle: Yeah and we should try the football field.

Kyle's mom: I'll drive you boys.

Cartman: OH God darn it. I'm going to try to keep Butters down in that Bomb Shelter for a whole week.

Butters: But Eric, how am I supposed to re-populate the Earth?

Cartman: You know like, with your wiener.

Butters: With my wiener?!

Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do whatever he wants to do.

Cartman: What? Heck Kyle! Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Birthday joke. Of course we do whatever Kyle wants. Happy birthday Kyle.

Kyle's Mom: Wait up, Eric, we need to stay together. (her phone rings) Oh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. (takes it out of her purse and answers it) Hello? Yes. Oh that's great. (to the boys) Boys, they found Butters. (Cartman starts to panic) He's okay.

Kyle: Oh, awesome.

Stan: I knew he'd turn up.

Kyle's Mom: Yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? (she starts to get furious) Oh, really?

Kyle: What?

Kyle's Mom: Yes, I will certainly let them know. Thank you. (hangs up) Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because HE wanted to go to Casa Bonita.

Kyle: What?!

Kyle's Mom: Eric, the South Park police are on their way here to have a little talk with you.

Cartman: But...Casa Bonita!

Kyle: I should have known! You never cared about my Birthday at all!

Cartman: But I... (turns back and holds Kyle) Stand back!

Stan: Cartman, stop it!

Cartman: I am going to Casa Bonita!

Kyle: It's too late, fat boy! They'll be here in less than a minute.

Cartman: Ah...nyah! Less than a minute! Less than a minute!

Kyle: CARTMAN!

Police Officer: Well, kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all of your friends and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week. Was it all worth it?

Cartman: ...Totally.

All About the Mormons? [7.12][edit]

Mr. Garrison: Wow, it seems like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?

Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche.

Cartman: Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.

Butters: He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.

Cartman: Go kick his leg, Stan!

Clyde: Yeah, go kick his leg.

Stan: [unsure] W-—maybe he won't fight.

Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about.

Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that buckskin smirk off his face.

Craig: Yeah, little bitch!

Stan: Alright, I'm going to go kick his leg. [leaves to do so]

Cartman: Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! ...alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?

Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butt hole!

Gary's sister: And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!

Shelley: My brother is a stupid turd!

Gary: Hey, Stan.

Stan: Oh, brother.

Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!

Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend anymore.

Stan: ...I don't?

Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.

[Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what just happened]

Cartman: Darn, that kid is cool, huh?

Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You got to put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm going to go kick this Mr. Harrison's leg! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison...is a...is a white guy, right?

Butt Out [7.13][edit]

South Park Elementary. Kids are made to watch a ridiculous dance number in auditorium

Dance Number: Butt out, come on, give that cigarette butt a throw!...And remember kids, if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be just like us!

Stan and the others are seen fervently smoking in the next scene

Cartman: He just goes around imposing his will on people, he's my idol.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, dude.

Cartman: Wow, it's like smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy, and you get to take that away from them! You're awesome.

Factory Worker 1: [singing] I like to have a cigarette every now and then. It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.

Factory Worker 2: [singing] And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the heck wants to be 90 anyway?

Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon, I'm Rob Reiner. And you've just been Reiner'd!

Cartman: I don't idolize you anymore, asshole!

Raisins [7.14][edit]

Bebe: Wendy breaks up.

Stan: What?

Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you.

Stan: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!

Bebe: Whatever! You guys are holes!

Butters: At least we have holes, you dumb girl!

Jimmy: Stan told me to tell you he thinks you're a cont...cont...cont...you're a cont, cont, cont... [sounding like cunt]

Wendy: Well tell Stan to back off! [leaves]

Jimmy: Cont...continuing source of inspiration to him.

Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a Maggy Goth kid.

Goth Kid: You can't be a nonconformist if you don't drink coffee.

Goth Kid: If you want to be one of the nonconformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.

Butters: I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Stan: Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch. Token, [flips him off] right here, buddy.

[Token and Wendy walk off angrily]

Kyle: Oh, dude. It's good to have you back.

Stan: Yeah, let's play ball.

It's Christmas in Canada [7.15][edit]

Harry Gints: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.

Gerald Broflovski: Yes, I can tell.

Harry Gints: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars...

Harry Gints: [referring to Ike] We're going to take good care of him.

Kyle: [coldly] You'd better.

Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of year, I still wouldn't help you.

Mr. Garrison: How 'bout we get rid of all the Mexicans.

Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"

Mr. Garrison: Rats!

Cartman: [to Kyle] You ducking asshole! This is all your fault!

Kyle: What?

Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable, and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! You ducking Jews ruin Christmas again! [screams and charges Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]

Stan: Whoa, whoa, Cartman!

Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?

City Wok. Mr. Tuong is sitting in an empty restaurant

Mr. Tuong{talking to himself}: Stupid Christmas. No one eat Chinese food.

Phone rings

Mr. Tuong: Oh boy, some business! Picks up phone Hello, City Wok, wanna try our shorty pork?

Broflovski residence. Kyle called

Kyle: Sorry, I must have called the wrong number. I was looking for City Airlines.

Mr. Tuong: Oh right. One moment please. I will put you through.

Mr. Tuong puts on pilot's cap and flips over sign. City Wok now reads City Airlines

Mr. Tuong: Herro, Shitty Airlines!

Kyle: We need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.

Mr. Tuong: Ooh, Canada. Okay. That's pretty far. Gonna cost a Lotta money. Let's see. How many people?

Kyle: Four.

Mr. Tuong: Okay. [under his breath] Four people...Canada...cost a Lotta money... [normal] It's gonna be about, uh, 6,500 dollars!

Kyle: How 'bout 50 dollars?

Mr. Tuong: Fifty dollars?! You fly to Canada! Cost at least three thousand dollars!

Kyle: 55 dollars.

Mr. Tuong: Hey stop wasting my time with fifty five dollars. No way I take my plane to Canada for less than 1,000 dollars!

Kyle: Okay. 60 dollars.

Mr. Tuong: 62 dollars.

Kyle: Okay.

Mr. Tuong: Okay, meet me Park County Airfield, Yellow Sesnut, Tail Number 432-G.

Kyle: Got it. [Both hang up phone]

Mr. Tuong: [slight pause] He he he. Never try to barter with a Chinese man!

Mr. Twong: Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!

Cartman: Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.

Kenny: Me neither.

Kyle: Why not?!

Kenny: 'Cause, dude, I'll ducking die!

Kyle: You're not gonna die, Kenny, don't be stupid!

Cartman: You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.

Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?

Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!

Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!

Cartman: Weak.

Mr. Twong: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your life, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one.

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.

Kyle: French Canada?

French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!

Mime: Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!

Hockey Player: We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!

Artist: Would you like a mustache?

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.

Stan: Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.

Mime: Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle: We don't have time for this.

Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle: [grudgingly playing along] Hello.

Mime: Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!

Artist: How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!

Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.

Mime: Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!

French Canadians: [singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada-

Mime: -is a bull shoot Canada!

French Canadians: [singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!

Mime: I think you'd understand. You understand.

[Scott appears suddenly]

Scott: Hey, what are you doing?!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Argh!

Mime: Oh no! It's Scott!

Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: You're a dick, Scott!

Kyle: God dammit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!

Steve the Newfoundlander: Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

Kyle: Can we just get going please?

Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah sure, there's just one problem.

Stan: What?

Steve the Newfoundlander: You folks are going the wrong way.

Stan: What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Steve the Newfoundlander: Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!

Mime: Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!

Mime: Ah yes! Let's wish ourselves there!

[harps and angelic choir music is heard]

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie: Is it working?

Steve the Newfoundlander: Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.

Saddam Hussein: [acting as the Prime Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.

Saddam Hussein: Uh, don't shoot! I want to negotiate! Hey, relax!

[Cartman's watch goes off]

Stan: What is that?

Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.

Kyle: Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!

Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]

Kyle: Dude, come on.

Cartman: Well now you're going to get it, motherboard! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on! [Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze; he snaps out of it and wails uncontrollably] Waaaaaahhhh! Waaaaaaahh! Mooooom! Mooooom!

Good Times with Weapons [8.1][edit]

Cartman: Parents? Parents?! [begins a fake sob] OH GOD! [sobs loudly and turns away]

Cartman: You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas. They've got no spine.

Kyle: You don't know anything about Jews, fat ass!

[After Stan's attempt to remove the ninja star]

Kyle: Stop, dude! You're going to scramble his brain!

Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.

[Butters changes into Professor Chaos]

Butters: Let's see how you like dealing with me, Ninjas! [laughs evilly]

[he stomps down the stairs while grunting and punches the wall, leaving a huge dent]

Mrs. Stotch: Ooh, Butters. Are you going out to play again?

Butters: Yeah, Mom. I'm just going outside for a little while.

Mrs. Stotch: Well could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thompsons? I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.

Butters: [normal voice] Oh, o-o-okay, Mom.

Jimmy: What-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?

Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!

Kyle: We were taking him to the vet until you ducked it all up! Butters!

Craig: Was he bleeding?

Cartman: [uninterested] Yeah, a little. Butters!

Craig: Oh, shoot. You guys are in trouble. We're out of here!

Stan: No, dude! You got to help us find him!

Craig: To heck with that!

Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're going to tell on you; that's the ninja code!

Animal Shelter Worker: Here you go pup, I've got a sweet dose of murder for ya. [notices the open kennel] What the-? Blast it, he's escaped! [sighs, moves towards another dog] Oh, well, let's murder one of these other dogs.

Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those weapons, you could put somebody's eye out.

Kyle: Yeah, we know.

Kyle: Okay, hang on, guys, I'll use my special power to see into the future, and find out where we should head next.

Cartman: Hold on you guys, I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try.

Kyle: God darn it, Cartman, you can't keep making up powers!

Stan: Yeah, dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!

Cartman: I am Bullrog, and I have lots and lots of powers.

Kyle: No, asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?

Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.

Kyle: That doesn't count, fat boy!

Stan: Yeah, that's it, Cartman, now you don't get to have any powers!

[Cartman whines]

Cartman: Alright, dick hole, time for you to pay! [realizes his powers don't work] Oh, no, I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!

Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back!

Cartman: Alright, now I use my powers to...turn Kyle into a chicken! Blam!

Kyle: [is turned into a chicken] God darn it, Cartman!

Cartman: [sing-song voice] Ha ha ha ha ha-ha, now you are a chi-cken, nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh-nyeh...

[Theme song while boys are fighting.]

Japanese

素晴らしい チンチンもの

金玉の毛ある

それの音 サルボボ

いいえ！忍者がいます

Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する

大切な物 protect my balls!

僕が悪い so let's fighting-

Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

この歌ちょっと馬鹿

わけがわからない

英語がめちゃくちゃ

大丈夫？ We do it all the time!

Hey hey let's go 喧嘩する

大切な物 protect my balls!

僕が悪い so let's fighting-

Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

[Transliteration]

Subarashii chinchin mono

Kintama no kami aru

Sore no oto sarubobo

Iie! Ninja ga imasuuuuuuuu

Hey hey let's go kenka suru

Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!

Boku ga warui so let's fighting-

Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

Kono uta chotto baka

Wake ga wakaranai

Eigo ga mecha kucha

Daijoubu, we do it all the time!

Hey hey let's go kenka suru

Taisetsu na mono protect my balls!

Boku ga warui so let's fighting-

Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love…

[English translation]

I have a wonderful penis

There is hair on my balls

Is that the sound of a baby monkey?*

No! Ninjas are here!

Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!

The important thing is to protect my balls!

I am bad ass, so let's fighting-

Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

This song is a little stupid

It doesn't make any sense

English is all ducked up

But that's okay, we do it all the time

Hey hey let's go! Getting in a fight!

The important thing is to protect my balls!

I am bad ass, so let's fighting-

Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love!

actually, its slang, monkey-bushy hair, meaning monkey pussy

AWESOM-O [8.2][edit]

Kyle: Hey AWESOM-O, I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Suck my balls, Kyle.

Liane: [talking to Mrs. Stotch on the phone] Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O talking to a movie executive] Adam Sandler is a guy, and he, uh, falls in love with a girl, but it turns out that she's a golden retriever.

Movie Executive It's great! We'll call it Puppy Love! Any more?

AWESOM-O Uh, Adam Sandler is a guy who falls in love with a table.

Movie Executive Genius! We'll call it Table of Contents. God is there anything that this thing can't do?

AWESOM-O: Movie idea number 2305. Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and he falls in love with a coconut.

Military General: Mister Scientist! You are paid to think! National security is our job.

Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up as Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances with a life size cut-out of Justin Timberlake.

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] ...You saw that?

Butters: Yeah, and I videotaped him doing it!

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] No way.

Butters: I got the whole thing on tape; even the making out with Justin Timberlake.

Cartman: [as AWESOM-O] Nuh-uh...

Up the Down Steroid [8.3][edit]

[Cartman's just revealed his plan to pretend he's retarded to win the Special Olympics]

Stan: Thats really, really, terrible dude!

Cartman: Terrible?! Whatever. You guys just don't have brains that can compute complex plans like mine!

Jimmy's Father: I'll leave you two alone. And Jimmy, are you sure you weren't masturbating? Its okay if you were.

Jimmy: Dad! Jesus Christ!

Cartman: [pretending he's retarded] Derrrr...derrrr...hey guys what's going on, derrrrrr?

[long pause]

Kyle: God damn you.

[Jimmy and Timmy have just asked the boys to come cheer for them at the special Olympics; Cartman is reading a brochure Jimmy gave them]

Cartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.

Kyle: ...You're an asshole, Cartman.

Cartman: [looking confused] What? What did I do?

The Passion of the Jew [8.4][edit]

Cartman: This is why you can't bring Jews on away missions! They don't play along!

Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!

Cartman: Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion, then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.

Stan: We want our money back.

Ticket Guy: Huh?

Stan: That movie sucked ass. We want our money back.

Ticket Guy: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.

Stan: That wasn't a movie! It was a snuff film! You should not charge people to watch a guy getting tortured for two hours!

Ticket Guy: That "guy" happens to be Jesus. And he went through all of that to pay for your sins!

Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained so we want our money back!

Ticket Guy: I'm not allowed to give your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaints up with the film's producer's.

Stan: What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we should get our money back from Mel Gibson?

Ticket Guy: Yeah, I'd like to see you try.

Stan: Oh, we will! This is America. And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!

[Kenny and Stan are trying to get their money back from seeing the Passion]

Stan: [searching the Internet] OK, search "Mel Gibson". Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson homepage! Here we go: "Welcome to 'Mel Gibson's The Passion. com! Your source for everything Mel". Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects...darn it! No phone number! Oh wait! "For more information call our webmaster at 1800-4308" [Stan calls the number. It's Cartman's phone, which he answers]

Cartman: Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan club.

Stan: Hi, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.

Cartman: Uh-huh, so you want to join the fan club now? Our first meeting is tomorrow at 5.30pm...

Stan: No, no, no, we want our money back!

Cartman: What?

Stan: We thought the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our $18! Do you know how we can get in touch with him?

Cartman: You thought it sucked!? Sir, apparently you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do; he was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew! It has made people the world over open their eyes!

Stan: Look kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so just tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson and get our money back!

Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir! All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu, now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick!

Stan: [furious] Hey don't take that tone with me kid, I'll kick your ass!

Cartman: Yeah, I'd like to see you try asshole, I'm like six feet tall!

Stan: I don't care, you sound like a little bitch to me!

Cartman: Bitch!? Don't call me bitch, I'll pop your ducking head open!

Stan: Yeah, you want to bring it, you little pussy!?

Cartman: I already brought it bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!

Stan: [realizing] Wait a minute! Cartman!? [Cartman hangs up]

[Kenny and Stan arrive Mel Gibson's home]

Mel Gibson: Yes?

Stan: Oh, hi. My name is Stan and this is Kenny. Um, we saw your movie The Passion and we didn't like it, so can we have our money back, please?

Mel Gibson: You can't not like The Passion. I just followed the Bible. Christ died for you. Go home.

Stan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.

Mel Gibson: Oh yeah? Well you're going to have to find it first! But I won't tell you where I keep my money. You can torture me all you want but I still won't tell you.

Stan: Torture you?

Mel Gibson: Ha, so you DO intend to torture me, huh?! Well go ahead! Do you worst. You still won't get your taken money back.

Stan: Well, with these bus tickets, it looks like we spent about $87 getting our money back from Mel Gibson, but I think it's the principle that matters.

Kenny: Yeah, I agree.

[Truck horn honking]

Stan: Oh, you've got to be shorting me...

Mel Gibson: Give me back my money!

Cartman: Töten Sie die Juden! Wir können nicht stillstehen bis sie alle tot sind! [Kill all the Jews! We cannot stand still 'till all are dead!] Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.

Cartman: Okay, now when I say "Es ist Zeit für Rache!" you respond "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!"

Woman: What does that mean?

Man: Oh, I think it's Aramaic, just like in the movie!

Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache! [It's time for revenge!]

Crowd: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [We must exterminate the Jews!]

Woman: Oh, this is fun!

Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!

Kyle: I feel way better about being a Jew now that I know Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche.

Rabbi: And now, one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation.

Kyle: Thank you, Rabbi. In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African-American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. [the others are outraged]

You Got F'd in the A [8.5][edit]

Sharon Marsh: Well, Randy, that was some great advice you gave our son yesterday.

Randy Marsh: What?

Sharon Marsh: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again, and he danced back.

Randy Marsh: Well, what happened?

Sharon Marsh: It's on.

Hick: You do a line and I'll do a line honey. You do a line and I'll do a line babe. You do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight and screw till the morning time.

Hick: You snort K and I'll snort K honey. You snort K and I'll snort K babe. You snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight and screw all night and day.

[Stan is asking help from the goth kids]

Red Goth: I'm not doing it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.

Henrietta: Yeah, I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.

Kindergoth: I'm not doing it either. I'm the biggest non-conformist of all.

Curly Goth: I'm such a non-conformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it.

Stan: Great!

[pause]

Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.

Red Goth: Yeah, we just got goth served.

Stan: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?

Yao: You mean dancing without a machine telling you what to do?

Stan: Yeah.

Yao: That's stupid.

Lil' Kim: Wassup, niggas!

Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters, the point is that this is now! It's on, and there are people who need you to step up. Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge, but competing against other people and getting in their faces and saying "ha ha, I'm better than you" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here playing with Lego until you're an old man.

Butters: Get out of my room, Stan.

Stan: Fine. But one day you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and deal with it, otherwise you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves Butters's room]

The Jeffersons [8.6][edit]

Cartman: Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat hairy balls!

Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.

Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.

Cartman: Yeah?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.

Cartman: Yeah?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.

Cartman: Yeah? [they move in for a kiss]

Stan: [waking up] Aaaaagghhh! [looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson]

Mr. Jefferson: [opens his eyes] What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?

Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. [shuts his eyes] Oh, Jesus.

[Mr. Jefferson grab Blanket and pretending to fly]

Mr. Jefferson: Wee look, he can fly.

Kyle: Jesus Christ, dude!

[Mr. Jefferson carry Blanket with one leg while Blanket is screaming]

Stan: [yelled] Stop, you ducking lunatic! [While Kenny tight his hoodie jacket]

[Mr. Jefferson's fake mustache drop and put Blanket back to his house and close the window]

Goobacks [8.7][edit]

News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.

Redneck #1: They took our jobs!

Redneck #2: Took-er jerbs!

Redneck #3: Derka der!

Cartman: Hel-lo, ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?

Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?

Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!

Woman: How much are oranges?

Gooback: Tree-fiddy. [$3.50]

Weathers: [reading from a letter] Dear Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the border is inhuman.

Gooback: [with difficulty] Iggen arndrij? [points to the chicken sandwich sign]

Stan: No, not a chicken sandwich! I want a god darn cheeseburger and some god darn fries, you ducking goo backs!

Randy: Stan Marsh!

Stan: Aw-Aw!

Bill O'Reilly: On my right is passed-off white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie liberal douche.

Randy Marsh: Oh my God. Dey took ma jahb!

Stan: Dey took yer jahb!

Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes [8.9][edit]

[Stan walks into his house to discover his dad lying on the floor, looking ill.]

Stan: Jesus Christ…Dad?!

Randy Marsh: Stan?

Stan: Dad, oh my God!

Randy Marsh: Stan.

Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?

Randy Marsh: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.

Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents! [slips into a trance] Wall-Mart? Are you speaking to me? ...My friends...trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.

Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.

Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I want to go with you and help out.

Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.

(Silence for a considerable time)

Cartman: Nu-uh.

Kyle: Y-huh! You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.

Cartman: I am not, Kyle!

Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.

[Kenny and Stan walk off]

Kyle: Alright, fine. Come on, fat boy.

[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]

Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.

[Kyle runs back]

Kyle: I heard that!

Cartman: Heard what?

Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.

Cartman: That's not what I said!

[Stan comes back]

Stan: Dude, come on.

Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!

Stan: Dude, we have to go.

Kyle: God darn it.

Stan: [off screen] Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!

Cartman: He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

[The boys finally reach Arkansas in a bus]

Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.

Kyle: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires.

Cartman: I did not. I want to close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.

[As Stan, Kyle, and Kenny prepare to infiltrate and destroy Wall-Mart, they are confronted by Cartman wielding a dagger:]

Cartman: Wall-Mart's a great store! I cannot let you fools ruin its terrific bargains. You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!

Kyle: I knew you were.

Cartman: No, you didn't.

Kyle: (frustrated) Yes, I did. I said from the beginning that you would do this!

Cartman: No, you didn't.

Kyle: Yes, I did!

Cartman: No, you didn't!

Kyle: Yes, I did!

Cartman: No, you didn't!

[Kyle and Cartman argue back and forth like this until they're shouting at the same time.]

Cartman: (after a brief silence) You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bus tires-

Kyle: (speaking over him) -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas. I said so! I told you the minute-

Cartman: (places hands over ears) LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Kyle: Hey, I told you-

Cartman: I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!

[They both go silent]

Cartman: (brandishes dagger again) I'm sorry, boys, but if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me.

Kyle: We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us.

[Stan and Kyle go around Cartman, while Kenny steps up and faces him.]

Cartman: Very well, Kenny. Let us battle!

[Kenny starts hitting Cartman]

Cartman: Ow! Kenny! Kenny, knock it off!

Pre-School [8.10][edit]

[when the boys are all in preschool]

Stan: Dude, let's play firemen!

Kyle: Totally dude, let's play fireman!

Cartman: Jews can't be firemen!

Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!

Cartman: Don't call me fat you stupid Jew!

Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.

Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.

Stan: What's that?

Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.

[after the teacher gets injured]

Officer: Miss Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?

[the teacher beeps twice, which is supposed to mean no]

Officer: "Yes, Yes." Take him away!

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset [8.12][edit]

Paris Hilton: Another dog killed itself!

Paris Hilton: [opening her new store] Have fun, girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody.

Cartman: [walks up to a group of girls and flips each one off in turn] Suck you, Millie! Duck you, Annie! Buck you, Bebe! Luck you, whatever-your-name-is! A-a-a-and Muck you, bitch!

Mr. Garrison: [after Mr. Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!

Man in Crowd: Whore-off!

Randy Marsh: Oh, no, she didn't!

Woodland Critter Christmas [8.14][edit]

Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile

Beavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?

Narrator: The boy in the red poof ball hat smiled and said...

Stan: (does not smile) Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home.

[Stan is forced to go on a quest to kill the mountain lion]

Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak/The horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak./For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat.

Stan: [irritated] Goddammit, this is ducking ridiculous!

Narrator: Said the little boy in the red poof ball hat.

Mousey: Stanny, you're alive.

Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?

Stan: It's dead.

Deery: For real and for true?

Beavery: Are you sure?

Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.

Squirrely: He did it! Now our critter Christmas can finally happen! (raises arm in a salute) Hail Satan!

Critters: (raise arms) Hail Satan!

Stan: (confused) Wait, wha-what?

Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!

Critters: Yaaay! Satan!

Stan: Wai-wait, the Antichrist? You said she was giving birth to your savior!

Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.

Stan: (stunned) But I thought you meant the Son of God!

Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?

Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!

Foxy: This is cause for celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!

Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!

Squirrely the Squirrel: Blood orgy! Blood orgy!

Singing critters: What special time! What special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!

Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!

Stan: I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.

Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?

Beary the Bear: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not going to kill me, are you?

[Santa shoots him]

Kyle: Stan! What the hell is going on?!

Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after, except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later.

Kyle: [voice over] Goddamn it Cartman!

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina [9.1][edit]

Mrs. Garrison: Hey, boys. It's me, your teacher, Mrs. Garrison.

Cartman: [whispers] You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties!

Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?

Gerald: [taken aback] What? Uh, n-nothing. I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.

Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?

Ike: Penis!

Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change? Oh my God!

Ike: vagina!

Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison a sex-change said he could make me tall and black!

Sheila: What?

Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a Angioplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.

Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila? This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be trans racial!

Kyle: Can I have $3,000, Mom and Dad? Huh? Can I?

Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!

Kyle: But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.

Sheila: Yes, but Kyle-

Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.

Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.

Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?

Sheila: The answer is no, Kyle! You're not going to have a Angioplasty!

Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball!

Gerald: Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!

Kyle: [shouts] I'm not speaking to either one of you ever again! [storms into his room]

Gerald: Look, Ike! Your daddy's a dolphin!

Mr. Slave: I don't like vaginas.

Mrs. Garrison: You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag!

Basketball coach: [to Kyle] No, you see, Jews can't play basketball. They're not tall or black enough.

Kyle: All my life I've wanted to be tall and black. Could you do it for me, Doctor?

Doctor: [stares, speechless] Oh, I see! In that case, you want a Angioplasty.

Kyle: A Angioplasty?

Doctor: Yes, it's very simple, just the exact opposite of a Angioplasty.

Gerald: What kind of nut job would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!

Mrs. Garrison: That means I'm not really a woman! I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!

Doctor: Basically, yes.

Die Hippie, Die [9.2][edit]

Cartman: They're not people! They're hippies!

Kyle: Those dirty liars!

Kenny: Son of a bitch!

Cartman: And we'll need a black guy who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [camera moves back and forth passing Chef several times] Oh how about...

Chef: [irritated] Yeah, I know!

Hippie: Wait until those little Eichmanns get a taste of this crunchy groove!

Cartman: Did you eat their brownies? Did you eat their brownies?!

Wing [9.3][edit]

Mrs. Garrison: Just between us gals, nothing gets my bag wetter than a black man singing!

Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, for the love of God!

Kyle: Don't worry Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. We're gonna get Wing back as our client. And make a ton of money. I swear it to you.

Best Friends Forever [9.4][edit]

[Kenny is playing PSP]

Mrs. McCormick: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playing with that thing? Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothing else!

Kenny: I could get to level 60!

Mrs. McCormick: Who cares if you almost made it to level 60? You're wasting your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it? You're gonna end up wishing you'd done more with your life, just like your deadbeat father!

Mr. McCormick: 'Ey! I heard that, bitch!

Mrs. McCormick: I wasn't talking to you, asshole!

Michael: God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?

Angel: The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven!

Satan: Then GOD is helpless!

Stan: Don't kill Kenny!

Protesters: You bastards!

Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level 59.

Michael: Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!

Angels: Yeah, Uriel!

Uriel: Oh. Right, right. I'm sorry.

Kevin: Keep your army marching my Lord. I will get that feeding tube removed.

Satan: How?

Kevin: I will do what we always do. Use the Republicans.

[The hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear]

George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the recent events in Colorado!

Kevin: Removing the feeding tube is murder! Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!

Kevin: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die? Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush: Who are we to decide that Kenny should live or die?

Kevin: It is God's will that he live!

George Bush: It is God's will that he live!

Kevin: Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...

George Bush: Haghaghaghagha...

Kevin: No no, you don't say that part, Haaghaghaghaghaghagha . [hisses into Bush's right ear]

George Bush: No no, you don't say that part, Haghaghaghagha.

[the crowd is speechless]

Angel 1: Jesus! Their army is massive!

Angel 2: Heaven help us!

Michael: Basically, Kenny, you...are Keanu Reeves.

Random person: You bureaucrats have no right to play god and take that tube out.

Angel: No, no. See, they were playing god when they put the feeding tube in.

Kyle: Maybe we should just let Kenny go in peace.

Stan: You mean Cartman's side is right?

Kyle: Cartman's side is right. For the wrong reasons. But we are wrong. For the right reasons.

Angel: Michael, Michel. The humans finally did the right thing.

Angel Michael: Oh my god. They killed Kenny.

The Losing Edge [9.5][edit]

[After the South Park team is disqualified due to Randy fighting with the another player's dad]

Stan: Dad?

Randy: Huh?

Stan: You're the greatest.

[Randy leaps into the air with joy]

Batdad: You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!

Randy: What do you wanna do?

Batdad: Now for the finishing move! You're about to be "Batdad-ed"!

Umpire: Stop! Stop or you're going to get your teams disqualified!

Stan: Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!

Umpire 2: Break it up! Break it up!

Randy: Hey, Batdad, I didn't hear no bell.

Batdad: Batdad knows no fear! Batdad knows no pain!

Randy: For what? Arresting me for what? I'm not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America! Huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

Randy: Denver sucks ass.

Butters: Son of a biscuit!

Pueblo Dad: Vamanos Pueblo! Vive El Pueblo! (Let's go Pueblo! Long live Pueblo!)

Randy: [takes out Spanish-English Dictionary] Pueblo no bueno...Pueblo es muy Mal. (Pueblo is not good. Pueblo is very bad.)

Baseball player: Yeah we want to win? Then we will have to play this boring game all summer!

Baseball player: We want to play video games!

Baseball player: We're going down! We're going to get creamed!

Baseball player: You know what these guys look like? A bunch of winners!

Another baseball player: Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!

Baseball player: Not a chance cause we're going to lose to you right now!

The Death of Eric Cartman [9.6][edit]

Butters: I'm like the kid in that movie: I'm seeing dead people!

Butters: Well you know, Preacher says before your soul can be at peace, sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.

Cartman: Atone?

Butters: Did you ever do something really bad?

Cartman: [Thinking] Not really.

[Fast-forward: Butters is writing a long list]

Cartman: Let's see, oh and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it, I took a crap in the Principal's purse - seven times, then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza, I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics, I tried to have all the Jews exterminated last spring... oh yeah there was this one kid whose parents I killed and them made into chili which I fed to the kid.

Butters: Boy, oh, boy, Eric you've got a lot to atone for.

Cartman: Really?

Butters: Really. I mean honestly, I don't know how you're going to make up for all of this.

Cartman: I know how... [He begins making gift baskets].

Jimmy: Hey, fellas, where's Cartman?

Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

Kyle: We're ignoring him.

Token: Ignoring him, how come?

Kyle: Because he's a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.

Token: Oh yeah.

Craig: Hey I hate Cartman too; can I ignore him with you?

Bradley and other boys off screen: Yeah / me too / yeah /screw him!

Francis : I never realized ignoring him was an option.

Cartman: Don't be sad, Butters: what awaits each person in heaven in eternal bliss, divine rest... and ten thousand dollars in cash.

Cartman [walking backwards slowly and gesturing as if fading out]: Good-bye Butters, I'm going to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again some time. Good-bye...

Cartman My soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. Good-bye Butters, thank you for all your help. Good-bye.

Cartman: Goodbye, Butters, I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life Butters! Good-byeeeeeeeee...

Erection Day [9.7][edit]

Mr. Mackey: [reading a note from the sex ed "question box"] "Mr. Mackey is gay." OK, kids, that's not funny, m'kay! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions, about serious issues, m'kay? Let's stop the tomfoolery. M'kay, let's look at a real one here. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." All right, all right, that is enough, kids! Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay! Here we go, m'kay. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me...and you are gay." Dammit is there not one serious question in here?! [quietly going through notes] "Mr. Mackey's gay..." "Mr. Mackey's gay..." Okay, here: "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?"

Ike: [singing] I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she's my Yankee Doodle girl. 'Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies! I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle, I am DA Yankee Doodle boy!

Butters: 'Ey, who's dropping bombs in there?! How 'bout a courtesy flush?!

Cartman: Up yours, Butters!

Jimmy: Shawna, I was wondering if I could put my penis in your vagina.

Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow [9.8][edit]

Gerald: Maybe we should strip these jackets off and warm our bodies next to each other.

Randy: Don't be a fag!

Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?

Cartman: Yeah.

Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?

Cartman: Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Randy: [draws a line near near the bottom of a USA map] Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the South... [draws another line further up] Everyone above this line is already dead. [draws two horizontal lines in between the two verticals] People like us in the middle states will have to ride it out... [draws a sphere] People in the balmy south-western states might have a chance, but [draws a small horizontal line between and at the end of the two horizontals] New York will have tidal waves that will envelop the north-east. [draws a circle, making the diagram resemble a penis and testicles]

[long pause; a man stifles a snigger]

Randy: What, Frank?

[he continues to snigger and points to Randy's penis-shaped diagram]

Randy: [looks at it a moment and realizes] Aw! Oh, goddammit. [draws a squiggle to cover it]

Stan: Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaver ton flood.

Kyle: How do you know?

Stan: Because... I know what did cause the Beaver ton flood.

Kyle: George Bush?

Stan: No...

Kyle: Terrorists?

Stan: No...

Kyle: Communists?

Stan: No...

Kyle: Chinese radicals?

Stan: No...

[brief pause]

Kyle: ...Cartman?

Stan: ...kind of.

Kyle: CARTMAN FLOODED BEAVER TON?!

Cartman: Give me your Jew gold now!

Kyle: God darn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman. What do you want from me?

Cartman: I want your Jew gold.

Kyle: We must save these people!

Stan: How?

Cartman: Why?

[repeated line]

Townsfolk: We didn't listen! [echoed] We didn't listen!

Angry Man: It's George Bush's fault!

Another Man: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!

Stan: It's MY fault. I broke the dam.

[long pause]

Cartman: Aw, man...

Sharon Marsh: ...Stanley...you?

Man: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying...we all broke the dam.

Stan: No. I broke the dam.

Woman: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: No. I broke the dam.

Woman: And I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Cartman: He he...I broke the dam!

Man: I broke the dam.

Woman: I broke the dam.

Stan: [trying to insist] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: No! I broke the bucking dam!

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: I literally broke the dam!

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: I kept it secret for two days!

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: The boat caught on fire and it exploded!

Man: I broke the dam.

Man: I broke the dam.

Stan: Aw, duck it!

Marjorine [9.9][edit]

Cartman: Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us; hiding something huge.

Craig: What?

Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future?

Stan: What?

Butters: How do you know?

Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman. That's retarded.

Clyde: [with a faux British accent] You, sir, mocked Cartman before. Yet you too sit here demanding answers. Now darn you, let him speak!

[pause]

Cartman: [Somewhat shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

Mrs. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?

Marjorine: I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancing, and ponies, and getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.

Clyde: Nice.

Mrs. Garrison: Now, Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.

Doctor: [after the pig splatters everywhere and he checks the pulse] "He... Didn't make it".

Old Man: Mr. Stotch, I know what you're thinking.

Mr. Stotch: Who are you?

Old Man: I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead... and not try to bring him back.

Mr. Stotch: Bring him back? What-what are you talking about?

Old Man: I know you're thinking of putting him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. But sometimes dead is better.

Mr. Stotch: Indian burial ground?

Old Man: It's been done before, what you're thinking of. The Nelson boy, back in '85...

Mr. Stotch: You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground-

Old Man: Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground... ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why they stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind the Andersons's barn. Sometimes... dead is better.

Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on at girls's slumber parties.

Red hair girl: Hey, Marjorine you want to know your future?

Turner: What the heck?

Cartman: Hahahaha! We have the device now! The power belong to us! Hahahaha!

Turner: Anybody has a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?

Steven Stotch: You're demon-spawn now, son.

Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?

Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!

Cartman: [advising Butters] ...just roll with it if they start lezzing out.

Butters: [after his parents leave a dead body for him to eat] Can't I just have some Spaghetti-Os?

Cartman: [after Kenny blows up the future-telling device with a mushroom cloud so large it can be seen from space] Damn, Ken!

Follow that Egg! [9.10][edit]

Mr. Garrison: We've completed our scientific non-biased study of fags having kids.

Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!

Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?

Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.

Mrs. Garrison: We need to tell the Governor and the world that gay marriage is not OK! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only on =e way for us to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the living hell out of them! [the crowd is silent] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers and some trucks and have us a good old-fashioned Fag Drag!

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Well, er, we were thinking we could just go appeal to the Governor.

Mrs. Garrison: Appeal to the Governor?! Come on, where's your balls?! Fag drag!

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 2: We don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.

Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally 3: Yeah, we were just thinking of asking the Governor to veto the bill.

Mrs. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?

Governor: ...while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred. And everyone is happy.

Lesbian in Crowd: What about lesbians?

[small murmurs among the lesbians]

Governor: Well like anyone cares about ducking dykes!

Ginger Kids [9.11][edit]

Cartman: [to Kyle] Shut your goddamned day walker mouth!

Cartman: The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Cartman: I'm not gonna be part of a ducking minority!

Trapped in the Closet [9.12][edit]

Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.

Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!

Brian: Well, there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology

Stan: Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

Randy: What?!

Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.

Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.

Tom Cruise: No!

Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.

Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!

Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?

Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.

Randy: Oh boy.

R. Kelly: [singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]

Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'

R. Kelly: [singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta DA closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!

Cartman: Don't be such a Jew, Stan.

Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.

Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.

Kenny: Hey, yeah!

Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.

Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.

President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!

Tom Cruise: [to Stan] I'll sue you in England!

Nicole Kidman: Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.

Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the closet.

Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.

Nicole Kidman: Tom, come out of the closet. You're not fooling anybody.

Scientologist: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ace and your balls!

Travolta: Hey Tom, it's me. It's John Travolta.

Tom Cruise: ...Hey John.

Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygod!

Tom Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.

Travolta: Okay...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?

Tom Cruise: Okay...but no tricks!

Travolta: No tricks. [gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in] Hey! It's really nice in here!

Tom Cruise: Ya see?!

Travolta: I feel really safe, ohmygod!

[the group looks on]

Randy: [tries the door] HEY!

Bloody Mary [9.14][edit]

Stan: Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?

Randy: It's okay, Stan, I have some beer to keep my buzz going!

AA Member: Do you know anything about alcoholism?

Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.

Karate Instructor: Cartman-san! What are you doing?

Cartman: I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.

Karate Instructor: Eric-San, you must forrow direction! You rack discipline!

Cartman: Uh-uh, I don't rack discipline!

Karate Instructor: Minna-San [Japanese for "everyone"]! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from within.

Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.

Randy: It's not fair. Why did you give me this disease?

Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?

Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right, boys?

Cartman: Sure, whatever, dude.

Randy: Stan!Stan!(appears bald) Staaaaaaaaan!

Stan: Ah, God darn it!

Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?

Stan: I have a great teacher.

Randy: Thanks, son.

Stan: No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.

Mrs. Garrison: Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.

[silence]

Mrs. Garrison: Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?

[silence]

Mrs. Garrison: I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I want to be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.

Field Reporter: And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."

Randy: Well how about 4?

Stan: I think you're pushing it.

Randy: How 'bout 20?

Stan: That's not discipline.

Randy: Right, right. Does vodka count?

Stan: Dad!

Randy: Let me handle this. What seems to be the officer, problem?

Officer: ...Step out of the car, please.

At the side of police vehicle: "To patronize and annoy"

The Return of Chef (10.01)[edit]

Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?

Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? ...Boobs!

Clyde: You guys...something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.

Kyle: Like what?

Clyde: I think... I think he wants to have sex with me.

Chef: [in sound clips of his voiced mixed together] I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?

Butters: [after seeing a police detective perform a rim job on a doll] My Uncle Bud did that to me once!

Chef: [after meeting a large dancer at a strip club Chef's trance begins to waver] Wait a minute...

Stan: He's remembering!

Chef: Children! What have I done?

Cartman: It's okay, Chef. Go on, remember!

Chef: [singing] I'm going to- I'm going to...

Kyle: Come on Chef, you can do it.

Chef: [singing] I'm going to make love to you, woman! Gonna lay ya down by the fiyah!

The boys: YAY!

Mr. Connolly: [about the Super Adventure Club's founder] And he lived for eternity, until he was hit by a train in 1892.

[after hearing the Super Adventure Club's story]

Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?

Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his only son down to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded that Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?

Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.

Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then we will have to...call security and make you leave. It will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!

Stan: Oh my God. They killed Chef.

Kyle: You bastards! YOU BASTARDS!

Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would've made an excellent child molester.

Cartman: Maybe- maybe he's still OK. [the others look at him] No, really, the say the last thing you do before you die is crap your p-[Chef's body voids its bowels] Oh, never mind.

Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Randy: Yeah.

Mr. Mackey: He's right.

Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef...that's still alive in us all.

Mr. Connolly: Chef, can you hear me? Say something.

Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?

Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.

Darth Chef: And for dessert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?

Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?

Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.

Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!

Smug Alert! (10.02)[edit]

Cartman: San Francisco is the breeding ground of hippies!

News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.

Cartoon Wars Part I (10.03)[edit]

Gerald: Which cartoon is it? What cartoon will be so insensitive as to have Muhammad as a character?

Randy: Who do you think? The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor... Family Guy!

Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!

Cartman: [about Family Guy] It's wrong! It's wrooooong!

Chris: Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should all make cartoons of Muhammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if we aren't willing to risk what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it!

Mrs. Garrison: Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty passed off too!

Cartman: Mr. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy? [Wendy is surprised]

Wendy: ...Yeah.

Kyle: You should like that show, your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.

Cartman: [explodes] Don't you ever, ever compare me to Family Guy, you hear me Kyle?! Compare me to Family Guy again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!

Kyle: [realizing] You unbelievable son of a bitch...you never cared about the Muslim religion or the safety of people in America, you just want Family Guy off the air!

Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: 'Hey Cartman you must like Family Guy, right?' 'Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman!' I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes they are inherent to a story! Deep situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a point, not just one random interchangeable joke after another!

Closing voice over: Will Networks executives stand up for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out?

Ayman al-Zawahri: Seriously, Family Guy isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs - our retaliation will be MASSIVE!

Cartman: Oh my god, is that Tim McGraw?

Cartoon Wars Part II (10.04)[edit]

Bart Simpson: [after hitting Kyle over the head with a skateboard] Cowabunga, motherfucker.

Cartman: I did it! I...am...GOD!

Cartman: What's the worst thing you've ever done?

Bart Simpson: I stole the head off a statue once.

Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Gees. That's like this one time when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.

Cartman: I'll use this situation to get Family Guy cancelled. I use fear to manipulate people to do my bidding.

Bart Simpson: Uh, isn't that like terrorism?

Cartman: Dude, it's not like terrorism! It is terrorism!

Kyle: Cartman! You ducking fat ass!

Cartman: How the heck did you get out?

Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk. I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!

Cartman: Oh god darn it! You gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?

Cartman: Well Kyle, I guess it was inevitable.

[Cartman and Kyle take their gloves off, stare at each other, and engage in a slap fight]

Cartman: Ow! Kyle stop it-no Kyle that's too hard!

President Bush: Look, the fact of the matter is, the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment.

Reporter 1: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: ...you know. Right to free speech.

[Many of the reporters groan loudly and begin yelling]

Reporter 2: Mr. President, when your administration came up with this First Amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?

George W. Bush: Well, we didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.

Reporter 3: What do you intend to do about this First Amendment, Mr. President?

Reporter 4: Forgive me, Mr. President, but this First Amendment sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-jroo.

[in a meeting with Terrance and Phillip]

Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Phillip: You censored out the image of Muhammad in our television special!

Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Muhammad anymore. It's dangerous.

Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!

Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget about it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.

Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Muhammad uncensored!

CBC President: Ey, I make the rules, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of morals that you have forgotten how to be funny! No Muhammad!

Terrence: Hello, Muhammad, we've read all about you in the Qur'an.

Muhammad: I'm here to investigate a murder.

Fox President:Take this noble child out to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Muhammah episode after all.

Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showing there! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the story-line! Not at all like Family Guy.

SNN Anchor: Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. And Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.

Al-Zawahri: "Family Guy" better not show Muhammad tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.

SNN Anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:

Osama Bin Laden: If you look closely at the writing in Family Guy, you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.

SNN Anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Muhammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.

Ayman Al-Zawahri: We warned you not to show Muhammad - but "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!

[the terrorists show a cartoon after Family Guy aired the episode with Muhammad]

American Male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.

American Male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.

American Male 1: We like to crap on each other. [the men crap on each other]

President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]

American Male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!

American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.

American Male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]

Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]

All: Mm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]

Ayman Al-Zawahri: Ha, ha! Take that! We burned you! That was way funnier than "Family Guy".

Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some idea balls to pull from a manatee tank.

Kyle: WHAT?!

A Million Little Fibers (10.05)[edit]

Towelie: How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?

Towelie: Don't call me shoe less! YOU'RE shoe less!

Customer: Yeah, well you're a towel.

Towelie: You're a towel!

Manager: Alright, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!

Towelie: [points at customer] Yeah!

Manager: Not him, you!

Towelie: Aw...

Book Publisher: Because they're people and you're a towel.

Towelie: You're a towel!

Book Publisher: No, I'm a big book publisher whose not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs, you're a towel.

Gary: Are we in Paris, Mingey?

Oprah Fan: Burn that which lies to Oprah!

Mingey: [After a gun is fired] What the!? Ha ha! You missed me, you stupid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!

Gary: [weakly] Min-Mingey?

Mingey: Gary? What's wrong?

Gary: They got me, Mingey.

Mingey: [horrified] No! Oh no!

Gary: They got me bad. Oh, the blood...

Mingey: [crying] Try to hang on, Gary.

Gary: It... It's getting dark, Minge.

Mingey: Oh, Gary, what have I got you into?

Gary: I'm seeing me life flash before me eyes. Mingey?

Mingey: I'm here, Gary.

Gary: Where - where are we, Mingey? Are we in Paris?

Mingey: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.

Gary: Is it as wonderful as I hoped?

Mingey: It - It's beautiful. We finally made it.

Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingey?

Mingey: Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre right over there, behind you, and fresh baguettes all around.

Gary: Ah. I can smell them, Mingey. At least... I got to se Paris before I...

Mingey: Gary? Gary, say something! [Gary has died] YOU KILLED HIM YOU BASTARDS! HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ANY PART IN THIS! [To Oprah] THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU STUPID COW! YOU NEVER GAVE YOUR GARY THE TIME OF DAY, AND NOW HE'S GONE! LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING ANYMORE! WHAT'S THE USE!? I'M COMING TO SEE YOU GARY! [loads the gun] I'M COMING TO SEE YOU!

Oprah: No! Don't!

[Mingey shoots himself]

ManBearPig (10.06)[edit]

Kyle: Did Cartman just crap treasure?

Cartman: It's mine! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me!

Mr. Mackey: Now today we have a special guest speaker, does anyone know who our last vice-president was?

[brief silence]

Kyle: Dick Cheney?

Mr. Mackey: No, no, the last one.

Butters: Bill Clinton?

Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's Vice President.

[silence, no one knows who Al Gore is]

Al Gore: I've killed ManBearPig!

Cartman: If I miss dinner, I'm going to be so passed off!

Al Gore: Everyone is super stoked on me, even if they don't know it.

Worker: What is that, a pigbearman?

Al Gore: No, stupid, it's ManBearPig.

Al Gore: It's a half-man, half-bear, and half-pig.

Al Gore: This looks like ManBearPig central!

Kyle: It's half-man, and half-bearpig.

Cartman: No! It's half-man, half-bear, and half-pig!

Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.

Stan: It could be half-bear and half man-pig.

Tour Guide: And that whistling sound is why we call this the Cave of the Winds.

Steven's Wife: Take a picture of the sound, Steven.

Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.

Cartman: You...have that kind of power?

Stan or Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?

Al Gore: Kind of like pig droppings but more man-bear like.

Al Gore: Excelsior!

Al Gore: Kids, I saved you.

Stan: Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends. But now I see why you don't have any friends. You just use ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a loser!

Al Gore: Yeah right. The man that single handedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.

Al Gore: I am here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end to the human race as we know it. I'm talking, of course, about Manbearpig. It is a creature which roams the Earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig isn't real. Well , I'm here to tell you now, Manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists—I'm serial. Manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to get you. I'm super serial. But have no fear, because I am here to save you. And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig, everyone will say, "Thank you Al Gore—you're super awesome!" The end.

Al Gore: I'm super serial.

Al Gore: Why does nobody believe that I'm serial?

Cave Ranger: Okay fellow tourists. Here in this cave we can see some stalagmites and stalactites. Over here we have the "Hanging Mushroom" [shows penis made out of rock], and this one we call "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls" [shows penis and testicle combo], and over here we have "The Two Sisters." [shows two penis & testicle combos]

Tsst (10.07)[edit]

Cartman: I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.

Jimmy: Who's your best friend?

Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends! We know everything about each other!

Jimmy: What's my last name?

Cartman: [pause] Goddammit.

Cartman: God darn it, Mom! I'm your son and you will listen to me!

Cesar Millan: TSST!

Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.

Kenny: Duck you.

Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.

Cartman: [in British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.

Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.

Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that?

Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.

Stella: [horrified] Why, you... you LITTLE BASTARD! How dare you?!

Liane: [calmly] Eric, naughty.

Stella: [picking Cartman up by the collar] What kind of monster would -

Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!

[At the Slater-Carey Mental Hospital]

Doctor: I'm afraid Super nanny is in a deep State of mental psychosis.

Liane: What do you mean?

Doctor: I mean she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.

[They look into room 23A, where Super nanny Jo is fishing poop out of her toilet and eating it]

Supernanny Jo: From heeell! It's from heeell!

Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!

Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!

Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now!

Cartman: Stop trying to Bogart my X-Box you fat bitch!

Liane: And then we'll go to Target, and...I'll buy you a Mega Ranger?

Cartman: Could I have...two Mega Rangers?

Liane: You can have anything you want, dear.

[camera focuses on Cartman and Damien music plays]

Make Love, Not Warcraft (10.08)[edit]

Cartman: [as a dwarf warrior] Aw, dude! I just took the biggest crap! Hey, where are you guys?

Kyle: [as a female human mage] We're over here, by the cart!

Cartman: [approaches] Okay, sorry guys.

Stan: [as a human warrior] Dude! We've been waiting forever!

Cartman: Well I'm sorry I had to take a dump!

Kyle: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fat ass!

Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a freaking girl!

Kenny: [as a human hunter] I think Kyle has sweet titties, ha-ha-ha!

Cartman: Heh heh, totally!

[the Rogue player kills Kenny]

Stan: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!

Kyle: You...bastard!

Randy: Stan! Stan!

Stan: Hang on guys. My dad wants something.

Randy: Stan!

Stan: What?!

Randy: You've been on your computer all weekend! Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?

Stan: I am socializing, retard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team speak!

Randy: [long pause] I'm not an retard...

Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now!

Cartman: Yeah, it's bull crap. I bet half of these people are Koreans!

Jim: I've got to get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!

Rob Pardo: Jim, your kid's characters are already dead.

Jim: No! They only just started playing!

Rob Pardo: Whoever this person is, he's played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past two years. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who has absolutely no life.

Blizzard Executive: How do you kill that which has no life?

Nelson: Randy, working on that sediment analysis?

Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're on a mission to explore the Tower Of Azora together.

Nelson: Is that a computer game?

Randy: No, retard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level two. I can chat with all these other people, and check it out, I can even wave to this guy here. [waves to another player, who waves back] In the outside world I'm a simple geologist, but in here... I am Valkor, defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo-deep mines and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's La-

[The Rogue walks up behind Valkor and stabs him unexpectedly]

Nelson: Looks like that guy just killed you. [walks away]

Randy: What? Why? WHY?!

Cartman: If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, would you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but YOU would, right?

Clyde: I'm just going to stop playing.

Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?

Clyde: No.

Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?

Clyde: Okay, all right, I'll do it!

Blizzard Executive: We can't give the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!

Randy: Stan! Stan!

Stan: Dad, not now!

Randy: Stan, I've been sent here...to give you THIS. [holds up the Sword of 1000 Truths] This sword will completely drain his mana!

Stan: How did you get that?!

Randy: No time! Just take it! Here!

[long pause]

Randy: Um, how do you hand items from one player to another?

Stan: Bring up your Inventory screen, Ctrl-I!

Randy: Okay...

Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?!

Stan: [receives sword] I got it!

[The Rogue kills Randy's character]

Stan: Dad!

Randy: (weakly) Staaaan...

Stan: [to The Rogue] You killed my father. [strikes him] YAHHH!

Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down! Attack!

[Kenny shoots Jenkins with an arrow; Kyle brings him down with a fireball; Cartman approaches)

Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. RAAAHHH! [smashes The Rogue's head in with his hammer]

Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.

Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time.

Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty: Island Adventure.

[long pause]

Cartman: [sighs] Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all murder you.

Butters: Oh...all right, then.

Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors and...right click!

Rob Pardo: Gentlemen, this could very well be the end of the World...of Warcraft.

Developer: No... NOOOOO!

Rob Pardo: I don't have a World of Warcraft account, do you?

Mike: No, I have a life!

Cartman: [all have died after attempting to outnumber and overpower The Rogue Player, with only Cartman's character left alive] No! Leave me alone! Don't do this-! [The Rouge kills him and jumps around the fallen players as if he's taunting them. Cut to an angered Cartman]

Cartman: GOD #%&ING DAMN IT!

Stan: [after defeating The Rogue Player] That was such uber-pwnage!

Cartman: All right, major stone shield potions... should be... oh God, I'm gonna have diarrhea again. Aaaaagh... doo!

Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!

Cartman: It's okay. [over intercom] Mom! Bathroom!

Liane: What hon?

Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom!

[Liane comes down to the basement and holds a bedpan under her son's ass. Cartman takes down his pants and out comes a spattering stream of shoot. Some of it ends up on the floor, some on Liane's blouse and trousers]

Liane: Ooh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [exits with the poop-filled bedpan]

Cartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow...

[having saved the World of Warcraft by playing the game non-stop for several months]

Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?

Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.

Kyle: Oh, yeah.

Cartman: Okay, Kenny, route Eye of the Beast to your Hot bar.

Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (10.09)[edit]

Kyle: [after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?

Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.

Hardly Boy: Yeah, what are you, retarded?

[Kyle, Stan, Cartman are arguing over 9/11 conspiracy.]

Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of me male-sting you?

Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!

Cartman: Oh really? Well, did you know that over 1/4th of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that 1/4th of Americans are retards?!

Kyle: Yes, I'm saying 1/4th of Americans are retards.

Stan: Yeah, at least 1/4th.

Kyle: Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's 1/4th.

George W. Bush: Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.

Kyle: Really?

Head of the conspiracy group: You won't get away with it! People know!

George W. Bush: People, you mean sheep. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.

Head of the conspiracy group: Wait, what are you doing?

George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.

Head of the conspiracy group: No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website.

George W. Bush: Too late.

[head of the conspiracy group pleads for his life, then Bush shoots him in the head]

Stan: Jesus Christ!

Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.

George W. Bush: Some pigs never learn.

Kyle: No way.

Stan: He was right, you did cause 9/11!

George W. Bush: Yes, quite simple to pull off really, all I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like 4 planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew 2 military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.

Kyle: Really?!

Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding who crapped in the urinal, m'kay. And maybe, maybe you think it's a victim less crime. This is Mister Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay. He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dookie in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! M'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay. And then he walks into the boy's room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head.

[the kids laugh]

Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh? Yeah, that's real funny!

Head of the conspiracy group: You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.

Kyle: "Code 234."

Head of the conspiracy group: We think they came from a government office.

Kyle: What is it?

Head of the conspiracy group: It's anthrax.

Police Chief: This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!

Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the god darn- m'kay

[Hardly Boys Music hits and cut to the Hardly Boys intro video]

Announcer: The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.

Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?

Clyde: I dunno.

Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over 300 people that need to use the boys room, and you decide your gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal and leave it laying there for everyone to look at?!

[Clyde begins to chuckle.]

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny but nobody else does; they're gonna walk in that bathroom and see your rancid duke prob up against to back of the wall like a brown rag doll!

[Clyde starts laughing.]

Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.

Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad has to say about your little poop-scpade!

Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five. M'kay. Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys bathroom is closed until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hotdog, m'kay.

[students laugh]

Mr. Mackey: Oh, ya think that's funny, huh? Let me assure you, there is nothing funny about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal, m'kay, dropping your pants, then turning around, squatting over that urinal, m'kay, maybe, maybe, pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.

[students laugh again]

Mr. Mackey: Oh yeah, that's real funny. [slams mic down] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?!

Mr. Mackey: [to Stan] When you took in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay. How would YOU feel, if someone came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face!

[Stan laughs]

Mr. Mackey: Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (10.10)[edit]

Cartman As The Dawg: Go with Christ, bro'.

Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair - with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then, darn!

Cartman As The Dawg: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!

Kid: What?

[Cartman slams kid up against the lockers pining him in the process]

Cartman As The Dawg: You know what this is?! [holds up bear mace for the kid to see] This is the mace they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!

Kid: [holds up hall pass] It's right here.

Cartman As The Dawg: Alright, cool, bro'. Go with Christ. [starts to walk away]

Kid: What, you can't just push me up against the-?

[Cartman kicks the kid, sending him flying off screen]

Kyle: [to Stan and Kenny] Guys, can I talk to you?

Stan: Sure, dude.

Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?

[Cartman walks up]

Kyle: My little brother and his teach—-

Cartman As The Dawg: Bros, it's almost class time. Need ya start clearing the hallways, alright?

Kyle: Not now, Cartman, I have really serious problems!

Stan: Dude, what's the matter?

Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.

[long silence]

Stan: Wow.

Kenny: Really?!

Cartman As The Dawg: Damn, bro, your Lil' brother is pretty cool.

Kyle: It's not cool, Ike isn't old enough to understand.

Cartman As The Dawg: What's there to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around a bit, then stick it inside her and pee.

[long pause]

Kyle: [sarcastically] Stick it inside her and pee?

Cartman As The Dawg: Well, okay, fine, unless you don't want her to get pregnant. Then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.

Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, I got bigger things to deal with.

Kyle: You guys don't understand. His wacko teacher's like a schoolgirl! They pass notes in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break.

[Cartman starts to walk off]

Kyle: And during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways.

[Cartman pauses]

Cartman As The Dawg: They what?

Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways.

Cartman As The Dawg: [turns around] Hang on a second, Making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy.

Kyle: Well, they're doing it.

Cartman As The Dawg: Yeah, well now it's personal. The hallways are my jurisdiction; if someone's making a hall infraction, they're gonna deal with the Dawg!

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]

The fear of darkness is all around you

The criminal are on the run

Now you better bring your hall pass

I'll take you to the principal office cause I'm the Dawg

I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg

The hallway monitor

Cartman As The Dawg: [sings]

I got some bad-ass guys to help me

I only have to pay them fifteen bucks

If you think you can get away without having a hall pass

You won't get away from me, 'cause I'm the Dawg

I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg

Think you can get away without having a hall pass, think again

[after Miss Stevenson has killed herself]

Cartman As The Dawg: Well, once again, The Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.

Cartman As The Dawg: We can do this the easy way or we can do it Doggie style.

Kyle: Hello, my name is Brad. I need to report a crime-anonymously.

Sgt Yates: Okay, Brad, what's the crime?

Kyle: I attend South Park Elementary, and one of the teachers is having sex with a student.

All Policemen: [pause for a moment, then a dramatic uproar] Oh my God! [Sgt Yates and Murphy stand near Kyle, Murphy is holding a notebook]

Sgt Yates: You did the right thing telling the police, Brad. So who is this teacher-what is his name?

Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher, it's a woman.

Sgt Yates: [sounding surprised] A woman? But she's ugly, right?

Kyle: No, not really. It's the kindergarten teacher, Miss Stephenson.

Sgt Yates: [even more surprised] The blonde?

Kyle: Yeah.

Another policeman: Miss Stephenson is having sex with a student?

Kyle: Yeah.

Sgt Yates: Nice. You're sure they've had sex?

Kyle: Yes.

Sgt Yates: Has she performed oral sex on him?

Kyle: I think so.

Officers: Nice.

Sgt Yates: Wait, what's the crime?

Policeman: The crime is she's not doing it with me! [policemen laugh]

Kyle: What? He's totally underage! She's taking advantage of him!

Sgt Yates: You're right. This is serious. We must find this kid and give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away! [policemen laugh again. Kyle howls in frustration and runs off]

Butters [singing to himself at the urinal]: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, what do you know. Do you have to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so.

Cartman: 'Kay so then, I put my finger up my butt-hole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson and say, "Do you smell Lemongrass?" And smelled my finger and puked! [laughs] Oh, God. You should've been there.

Hall Monitor: Eric, I have to report you to the principal's office.

Cartman: What?! I didn't do anything! Kelly Nelson is a liar!

Hall Monitor: I've been assigned to take you to the principal's office.

Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, you ginger-Jew-rat hall monitor! Punk-ass stoolie. Who the fuck do you think you are?!

(after the teacher says she is an alcoholic)

Cartman: I don't believe it. She is using the Mel Gibson defense.

Sgt Murphy: Do we still press charges?

Sgt Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

Randy: Poor woman, she's a victim. A hot victim.

Doctor: Was there ever history of sexual abuse in your family?

Ms. Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss, and he'd take pictures.

Doctor: ...Nice.

Ms. Stevenson: Ike let's get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think we should go to Milan, like we talked about.

Ike: Yay, Milan.

Sgt. Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley!

Officer Foley: What?! I did shoot him in the face. Twice!

Sgt. Yates: Are you sure you are not lying, Foley?

Officer Foley: No, really. I shot both of them. They weren't even doing nothing.

Sgt. Yates: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?!

Hell on Earth 2006 (10.11)[edit]

Satan's minion: Satan, we have a problem.

Satan: What?

Satan's minion: One of the guests has turned up in a Crocodile Hunter costume, and it's really offending some of the other guests!

Satan: Oh jeez. [walks across the party to a guest in a Crocodile Hunter outfit with a stingray hanging off his chest] Erm, er, dude, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing, it's just a little soon, you know. I mean, he only died a few weeks ago. It's just not cool, gotta leave.

Steve Irwin: But it's me Satan, Steve Irwin! I am the Crocodile Hunter!

Satan: Oh. Oh but then dude, no costume. Sorry you're going to have to go!

Steve Irwin: [being dragged away] Wait! I thought we were friends!

Satan: Oh hey Sinatra!

Satan: [having been told his guests don't care about the Acura cake] It's not about them, it's about meeeeeeeeee!

Satan's minion: Wow, what a jerk.

Satan: [to crowd] Everybody, I'm sorry. Halloween is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.

Butters: But dad, Biggie Smalls is gonna bust a cap in my ass!

Satan: Then, at midnight for dessert, I was thinking we could bring out a giant chocolate fondue fountain.

Hotel owner: Oh yeah. P. Daddy had his birthday here a couple of years back and he had one of those.

Satan: Oh, screw that then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P. Daddy had one.

Satan's minion: Does it matter?

Satan: Yes, it matters! I don't want to do it if Daddy did it.

Satan's minion: How about a doughnut machine?

Satan: [to hotel owner] Did Daddy do it?

Hotel owner: Daddy did do it.

Satan: A full ice cream bar!

Hotel owner: Daddy did it.

Satan: Darn it, what didn't Daddy do?!

Go God Go (10.12)[edit]

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Science darn you, Unified Atheist Alliance!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): I shall personally kill the time child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!

Ms. Garrison: I'm not a monkey! I'm a woman.

Kyle: [to Cartman] Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you!

Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After all we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself.

Cartman: Okay, how long until the Nintendo Wii comes out?

Stan: It's still three weeks.

Cartman: Oh, God! [pause] Okay, how long is it now?

Kyle: Will you shut up already?

Ms. Garrison: Okay children, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

Butters: Oh, boy!

Ms. Garrison: Now, I for one think that evolution is a bunch of bull-crap, but I'm told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this. In the beginning we were all fish, okay, swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So retard fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its mutant fish hands, and it had butt-sex with a squirrel or something, and made this...retard frog-squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a monkey-fish-frog, and then this monkey-fish-frog had butt-sex with that monkey; that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and that made you. So there you go. You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt-sex with a fish-squirrel, congratulations!

Cartman: Arrrghh! I can't take it anymore! [runs of screaming]

Ms. Garrison: See, I knew that would happen.

EV Games Employee: [to Cartman] Look, kid, for the 40th time: pacing in front of the store isn't going to make the Wii come any faster.

Ms. Garrison: Then if I'm a monkey, I might as well act like one. [starts acting like a monkey, pulls down her pants]

Richard Dawkins: What on Earth are you doing?!

[Garrison defecates in her hand]

Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me! I'm just a ducking monkey! [throws feces at Dawkins's face]

Go God Go XII (10.13)[edit]

United Atheist League member: Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future, but it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.

Repeated line: Science darn it!

[Richard Dawkins runs out of Mrs. Garrison's house after discovering she is a post-op trans woman]

Ms. Garrison: Fine then! Go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell, you queer!

K-10: Bark-bark. Hello, Eric, I have missed you.

Cartman: Suck my balls, K-10, I'm not in the mood.

The Wise One: Maybe some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows, maybe just believing in God...makes God exist. [thoughtful, solemn pause]

Sea Otters: Kill the Wise One! KILL THE WISE ONE!

[The Wise One is slaughtered by a mob of otters]

Sea Otter (Leader of Allied Atheist Alliance): Kill the table-eaters, IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY SCIENCE!

Clerk: Hey kid, somebody's on the phone for you.

Cartman: Hello?

Cartman (2546): [on phone] Hello? Hello?

[cut to 2546, where Cartman and others are floating on purple bubbles, while using the Crank Prank Time Phone]

Cartman (2546): I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient, and wait for two months. Do you hear me?

[back to 2006, Cartman is now reluctant]

Cartman: Aw, suck my balls, Kyle. [ends call, gives phone back to clerk and leaves]

Stanley's Cup (10.14)[edit]

[the county official takes out a record player and it begins playing a bass rhythm]

County official: Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route. Only problem is... [record scratch] ...his bike's been impounded! But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy!

County official: Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle And his only way out is to coach... [record scratch] ...a pee-wee hockey team! And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.

County official: Stan Marsh is always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye what seemed important before can all be put in prospective. Stan Marsh is...bumming on Cancer.

Number 8: Coach, I have to go potty!

Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.

Number 8: By myself?

Stan: Just, hold it a while, okay?

Number 7: What does "passing" mean?

Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player!

Number 15: My mommy says I'm as big as the sky!

Number 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!

Number 6 (Morgan): I did NOT!

Number 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.

Randy Marsh: Your mother's been worried sick! And I've been watching TV.

Randy Marsh: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?

Stan: [frustrated] What are you talking about?

Randy Marsh: Your pee-wee hockey game! At the Pepsi Center? In-between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?

Stan: I remember going to Shakey's afterwards...

Dr. Doctor: That kid's got as much hope as Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.

Parent: No, I'm just his father. But you are his coach. You're like a father to him.

Randy Marsh: And Stan.. Don't forget.. Win or lose... That's the only choices you have. Win, or lose..

With Apologies to Jesse Jackson [11.1][edit]

Randy: Oh, all right, I'd like to solve the puzzle: ...Niggers!

Principal Victoria: Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.

[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing at Dr. Nelson]

Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.

Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!

Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.

Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!

Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!

Cartman: Barely!

Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!

Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!

Dr. Nelson: Shut your ducking mouth!

Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!

Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.

Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.

Dr. Nelson: Arrgh!

Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.

Token: So black people are midgets?

Stan: God darn it!

Token: Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!

[Token walks away; long pause]

Stan: He told my dad he was.

Kids: [after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.

Cartman: Ey! What the heck is that? You think that's ducking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the heck is going on?

Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.

[Cartman starts laughing again]

Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!

Cartman: All right, all right, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Randy: Words with venom, words that bind, words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man./But no matter how hard I try. People just say "Hey, there goes that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go, it's always the same. I can't get away from that terrible name:/"Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy." Stop!/Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate/Try to bring me down, oh up you're too late!/Someone beat you to it. But my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just "Nigger Guy." [pause] Respect.

Cartman Sucks [11.2][edit]

Cartman: You guys! I got it! Seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!

Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?

Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]

Stan: Dude!

Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!

Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?

Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!

Kyle: No, dude, that makes you gay!

Cartman: Uh, what?

Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!

Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.

Kyle: Yeah-huh!

Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?

Kenny: Ha ha, that makes you very ducking gay.

Cartman: But I'm not-I'm not gay, you guys!

Stan: You are now.

Cartman: No-no, it was a stupid mistake!

Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.

Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?

Stan: You can't!

Kyle: No-no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.

Cartman: How?

Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.

Cartman: [in low voice] Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.

[long silence]

Cartman: Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]

Kyle: Idiot.

[Butters is playing with his toys]

Butters: [singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...

[Cartman enters the room]

Cartman: Butters.

Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.

Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.

Butters: A surprise? What is it?

Cartman: It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!

Butters: Oh, boy!

Cartman: You ready?

Butters: Y-yeah!

Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and-and get on your knees!

[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]

Butters: Oh, okay!

[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]

Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]

Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?

Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]

Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.

Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.

Butters: [warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?

Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]

Butters: Okay!

Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just-okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.

[the door opens and Butters's dad enters]

Steven Stotch: Butters!

Cartman: Uh! [dresses quickly]

Butters: Whoa! Hey, Dad!

[Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away]

Steven Stotch: Butters! What are you doing?!

Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]

Steven Stotch: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]

Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?

Steven Stotch: [quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?

Butters: Like what?

Steven Stotch: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.

Butters: What's...bi-curious?

Steven Stotch: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.

[Butters' mom appears at the doorway]

Linda Stotch: What's going on, you two?

Butters: Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]

[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]

Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]

Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]

Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!

Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?

Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!

Kyle: Let go of me!

Stan: What the heck are you doing, Cartman?!

Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!

Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!

Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!

Kyle: I don't have it!

Cartman: [stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.

Kyle: Shut up.

Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!

[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]

Cartman: Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]

[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]

Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.

Butters: Aw, that's okay, Bradley.

Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.

Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!

Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of chair, panicked]

Butters: What's the matter?

Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like you.

Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!

Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like me?!

Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!

Bradley: Oh god! We're both unfix-able!

Lice Capades [11.3][edit]

Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.

Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Cartman: We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.

Kenny: What?! Tuck you!

[Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]

Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?

Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.

[Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]

Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]

Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

The Snuke [11.4][edit]

Hillary Clinton: What is going on, Brian?

Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have suck a snake up your snit.

Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.

Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?

Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snakes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.

Brian: But then that means-

Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.

Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super-bad farts!

Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.

Kyle: Hey!

Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.

Kyle: What's going on?

Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.

Kyle: Homeland Security?

Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on you answer to me. You got that?

FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?

Homeland Security Head: I am.

FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.

Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?

FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.

ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on you're answering to me.

President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.

Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]

Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right. We've just received Intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.

Staff Head: Where's the Intel from?

Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.

Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!

Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.

Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]

Alan Thompson: The game is over! Get down on the ground!

Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?

Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.

Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes-

[power outage]

Vladimir Stolfsky: What the heck?

SWAT Team Member: The power went out.

Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?

[power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]

Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!

Fantastic Easter Special [11.5][edit]

[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]

Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!

Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think that's...

Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can buckskin kill you!

[camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]

Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!

Easter Bunny: Oh my God!

[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]

Butler: MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!

[ninjas kill him]

Stan: They found me!

Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]

Ninja: [distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!

[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]

[In a Vatican Holding Cell]

Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.

Kyle: What!

Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.

Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.

Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.

Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.

Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck, I'll rise again immediately.

Kyle: Don't make me do this.

Jesus]]: My son, there is no time, DO IT!

Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about this.

Jesus: I understand, and Kyle...Happy Easter.

Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]

[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]

Kyle: Jesus?

D-Yikes! [11.6][edit]

[Mrs. Garrison defends a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]

Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in? Men?!

Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever-

Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!

Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!

Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!

[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]

Fellow Messenger: How dare you!

[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion a la Oracle Girl from 300]

Mrs. Garrison: Scissor me timbers!

Mrs. Garrison: I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.

Mrs. Garrison: I mean, really I don't even understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of scissors or something.

Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.

Stan: Again?

Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a woman.

Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?

Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.

Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.

Night of the Living Homeless [11.7][edit]

Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny: Yes!

Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Randy: Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.

Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?

Chris Swollenballs: What the...? You can't be in here.

Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?

Chris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?

Bum 10: Chaaaaange?

Chris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any- [PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]

Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Bum 12: Change, sir?

Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little-anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

Steven: What happened?

Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.

Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?

Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.

Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?

Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]

Bum 14: Spare some change?

Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.

Bum 15: Chaaaaange?

Kyle: What's it doing?

Homeless Advisor: It's dying.

Cartman: Cool.

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]

Cartman: Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.

Kenny: Stop backing talking about my house!

Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.

Homeless Woman: Spare any change, sir?

Cartman: No! Back off! [slams the door]

Kyle: Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]

Bum: ...Got any more?

Kyle: [smile disappears] No, that's-I thought that was a lot.

Bum: [turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?

Kyle: You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

[Randy is walking down the sidewalk]

Bum 1: Spare some change?

Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.

Bum 2: Got any change?

Randy: No, sorry. [bum follows him]

Bum 3: Can you spare some change?

[Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]

Bum 4: Chaaaange?

Randy: Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]

Bum 5: Change?

Randy: No!

Bum 6: Chaaange?

[Randy runs off]

Bum 7: Spare some change?

Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!

Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.

Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]

Bums: [following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!

Bum 7: Spare some change?

Randy: I just gave you change!

Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.

Kyle: [angrily] That wasn't my idea!

Stan: [to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people] Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.

Christine: [horribly burned and missing her lips, holding a shotgun] DENNIS!

Dennis: Christine?

Christine: You son of a bitch! You tried to burn me!

Dennis: I had to, Christine; you were homeless!

Christine: No I wasn't homeless you stupid asshole!

Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying!

Christine: Yeah, because you burned my lips off!

Dennis: I burned your rip sauce?

Christine: No, you burned my lips off!

'Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying.

Christine: [shoots Dennis in the chest, prompting a shootout that kills all the Evergreen survivors]

Le Petit Tourette [11.8][edit]

Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number-

Cartman: Dick tits!

Mrs. Garrison: [pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative-

Cartman: Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

Mrs. Garrison: And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can-

Cartman: Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

[whole class giggles]

Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers-

Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle: Will you knock it off, already!

Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!

Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

Craig: If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]

Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!

Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.

Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]

Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?

Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.

Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

Kyle: I'm sorry!

Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I-

Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of- [cuts himself off]

Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douche-bag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]

Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.

Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Pass out my ass!

Cartman: Yeah! Pass out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman: [to Thomas] Isn't having Tourettes awesome?

[Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]

Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! And people will call me brave.

Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!

Cartman: Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls!

Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]

Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?

Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.

Chris Hansen: Have a seat.

Cartman: No, I'm just going to-

Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]

Cartman: How does he do that?

Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.

Cartman: I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]

Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national Television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant Television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman: Titty sprinkles!

Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

More Crap [11.9][edit]

[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen: "Emmy Award-Winning Series"]

Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhh! Ooh! Ooh. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow! That...is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?

Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.

Randy: You're welcome.

Stan: Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?

Bono: Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!

Stan: Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.

Bono: I have the first-place trophy for that.

Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of duck off?

Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.

Stan: So?

Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.

Stan: He's the record.

Herr Broloff: I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

Herr Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.

Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.

Imaginationland [11.10][edit]

[Cartman is looking for a leprechaun. If he sees it, Kyle will suck his balls; if not, he will owe Kyle $10. This is the plot of the whole trilogy]

Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story.

Cartman: [setting up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?

Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by.

[Jimmy, Jason, and Craig are hoisting the net into place]

Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out.

Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home.

Cartman: Oh, no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember? [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie. What's your six, Blackie?

Token: [rather pissed off] I don't want the code name "Blackie."

Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie. Check your six and alert when in position. [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire]

Kyle: This is fucking retarded.

Cartman: Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechaun shows up, you must suck my balls. Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire]

Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me $10. Now just pay up and stop being stupid!

Cartman: [whispering loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!

Butters: [on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him; in subdued manner] This is Faggot. Go ahead.

Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance north to northeast. Check back in five.

Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope, then exclaims]

Kyle: Okay, that's enough. Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!

Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showing up this time!

Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fat ass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!

Butters: Uh, I got something! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's, uh, oh, jeez, I think it's a leprechaun!

Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys]

Stan: Dude.

Jimmy: D-Duck me, it's a leprechaun.

Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase] Get that Ducking leprechaun! I want it alive!

[the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in]

Butters: Wow.

Stan: Cool.

Craig: No way.

Token: Whoa.

Jason: Wow.

Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butt hole, where's the gold?!

Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doing. I need to deliver an important message! There's going to be an attack!

Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow!

[the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]

Stan: Where did he go?

[the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]

Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! :[makes a rainbow with his right hand and disappears. The group then turn back at Kyle]

Craig: Dude. [Cartman walks up to Kyle and clears his throat]

Cartman: Kyle... suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]

Stan: [answers phone] Hello?

Kyle: Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.

Stan: No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.

Kyle: [beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?

Stan: Yeah, how'd you know?!

Kyle: Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!

Sharon: [enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?

Stan: Why?

Linda: Our darling Butters never came home last night!

Kyle: What did they say?!

Stephen: We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.

Kyle: ..Dude...

Trucker: Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhiking.

[...]

Cartman: Yeah, well... When a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger.

Trucker: You going to Washington to visit family?

Cartman: I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice... [looks photo of Kyle] then you learn that the only real justice is the justice you take. Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls.

Imaginationland Episode II [11.11][edit]

[the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]

General: Talk to me! What's going on?!

[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]

Lead Tech: Something is coming through the gate from the other side.

[a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]

Operator: What is it?!

Tech 3: It's like a half-man, half-bear!

Lead Tech: And half-pig!

[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]

Tech 4: Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!

[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]

General: Look out!

[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]

Tech 3: No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!

[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]

General: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!

[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]

Stan: Kyle!

[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]

[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]

Paramedic: Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]

Paramedic: I'm sorry, young man.

Cartman: Kyle?

Paramedic: Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.

Cartman: [enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!

General: He's gone, little boy.

Cartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!

Paramedic: Charging.

Cartman: Do it!

[the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]

Cartman: Come on, buddy.

Paramedic: Clear.

Cartman: Come on, buddy.

[the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]

Cartman: Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]

[Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily]

Cartman: Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]

Butters: I'm supposed to be in school right now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all passed off.

Imaginationland Episode III [11.12][edit]

Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.

Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh?

Woodland Critters: [cheering] Yeah!

Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.

Butters: W-What can I do?

Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.

General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?

Kyle: Because I- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]

General: [touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]

Cartman: So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...

Kyle: [snaps] Just let it go with your ducking balls already, you ducking asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck your balls- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!

Kyle: Oh God...

Superman: Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.

Santa Claus: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball-sucking.

Butters: Wait, I'm not grounded!

Steven Stotch: Oh, yes you are!

Butters: Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]

Steven Stotch: That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded!

Butters: [uncensored] Aw, shit.

Guitar Queer-o [11.13][edit]

[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]

Randy: So you boys like this music, huh?

Kyle: Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!

Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it!

Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could -

Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!

Randy: I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]

Cartman: ...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.

Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.

Randy: But... But this is real.

Cartman: Real guitars are for old people!

Stan: Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there-quarterback for the Denver Broncos!

Kyle: Oh my God!

Mr. Hart: Would you boys like to meet him?

Stan: Are you serious?!

Mr. Hart: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.

Jay Cutler: [in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!

Stan: Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.

Jay Cutler: ...Thanks.

Mr. Kincaid: Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.

Thad: 'Sup.

Mr. Kincaid: Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?

Thad: Yup.

Mr. Kincaid: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.

Stan: [as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.

Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!

Stan: That isn't it at all.

Kyle: [angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!

Stan: I know...I need you.

[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]

Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig!

Craig: How was that cheating?!

Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!

Announcer: Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!

Stan: [after a long silence] ...That's it?

Kyle: Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk away]

The List [11.14][edit]

Butters: Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.

Cartman: Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can out-think them.

Cartman: When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls!

Butters: Okay!

[Millie is walking at the hall and she hear Craig with the horn and get kicked in the groin by Butters]

Millie: Ow! What you did that for.

[Butter kick her again]

Millie: What's your problem, asshole?

Cartman: Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls don't have balls.

Butters: [in a sling with a black eye] They sure don't.

Butters: Mom! Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in class! Kyle Broflovski is!

Steven: Well, good for you, Butters!

Linda: Way to go, champ!

Butters: Whoopee! [runs off]

Steven: Well, guess we won't have to ground him.

Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?

Girl 1: [Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.

Wendy: [surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!

Girl 1: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.

Girl 2: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!

Wendy: [horrified] You knew?!

Girl 2: [takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]

Wendy: [angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes!? How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both DE-sparkled from the list committee!

Girl 1: Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]

Wendy: No, not Bebe.

Girl 2: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!

Stan: [confused] What's going on?

Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna-

Girl 1: You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee!? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!

Girl 2: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!

Wendy: [coldly] I don't think so. [kicks girl holding list in the crotch. She howls and drops the list. Wendy grabs it] Stan, run!

Stan: Jesus, dude! [runs after Wendy]

Clyde: [noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past] Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! [pats Kyle on the back] Chin up, cowboy! [approaches a girl] Hey, what's going on? [girl starts speaking in the background]

Butters: [to Kyle] Hey! Nice...nice ears Ha ha! Pizza face! [runs off laughing]

Clyde: [ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!

Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.

Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?

[happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]

[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]

Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.

Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.

[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]

Cartman: This is bull-crap!

Butters: [yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?

Cartman: Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]

Tonsil Trouble [12.01][edit]

Doctor: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.

Cartman: What?

Mrs. Cartman: Wake up. Wake up, honey.

Cartman: It's over?

Mrs. Cartman: That's right, you did it.

Cartman: It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.

Mrs. Cartman: I'm so proud of you, Eric.

Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?

Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.

Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.

Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.

Mrs. Cartman: [shocked] What?!

Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!

Doctor: I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]

Cartman: Duck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You ALL said I'd be fine!

Mrs. Cartman: [wailing] Oh, my baby!

Cartman: No! Noooo!

Stan: Did Elton John sing a song for you?

Cartman: No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!

Kyle: (manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.

Cartman: No you don't!

Kyle: I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)

Cartman: If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that ducking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!

Kyle: I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)

Mr. Mackey: Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.

Principal Victoria: That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.

Cartman: I'm sorry.

Principal Victoria: You're sorry for what Eric?

Cartman: I'm sorry for giving you AIDS Kyle.

Principal Victoria: That's better. And now Kyle you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.

Kyle: Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.

Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?

Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.

Kyle: Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!

Cartman: Kyle, we need to find a-

Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!

Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.

Kyle: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny; so shut the duck up!

Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I-

Kyle: Knock it off! RIGHT NOW! This isn't funny! At all!

Cartman: [pause] Are you sure?

Kyle: Yes!

Cartman: [longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle hits him] Ow! Fuck it, Kyle!

w:Britney's New Look [12.02][edit]

Kyle: Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.

Man: Join the club.

Man #2: Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.

Cartman: We're professionals, too, you ducking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]

Police Officer: Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.

Kyle: We, uh, we have special permission.

Stan: Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.

Police Officer: You are?

Butters: [in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel.

w:Eek, A Penis! [12.05][edit]

Kyle: [talking about middle-grade school students] You know what they're going to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to fucking murder you! [Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]

Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]

Mrs. Miller: Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.

High School Student: I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]

High School Student #2: [after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher] What the hell is this?!

Cartman: [passing out papers to the high school students] And pass it to the amigo behind you.

High School Student #3: Hey, man, what the heck do you think you're doing?

High School Student #4: Yeah.

Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.

Cartman: [repeated in a Latino accent) How do I reach these kids?

Mr. Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.

Thompson: Whoa, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.

Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot!

w:The China Probrem [12.08][edit]

Cartman: Shoot him, Butters.

Butters: No!

Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!

Butters: Ah! [shoots a customer in the groin]

Customer: Ah! Ow! Owwww!

Cartman: Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.

Butters: Huh?

Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

Butters: But I was just trying to stop him and you said-

Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.

Cartman: Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.

Police Officer #1: The President?

Police Officer #2: Alright men, we're going in.

Cartman: No. God damn it, we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.

[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]

Police Officer #3: Ah! Aggh! Owww!

Cartman: Dude, what the heck are you doing?

Butters: What, what happened?

Cartman: God darn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?

Butters: You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.

Cartman: What the heck is wrong with you? That is not cool, Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't ducking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.

Butters: Well okay, I'm sorry!

Cartman: It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamnit!

w:Breast Cancer Show Ever [12.09][edit]

Cartman: [after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awareness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those titties. They're oh too dangerous.

Wendy: What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!

Cartman: Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.

Wendy: You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!

Cartman: Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?

Wendy: I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!

Cartman: Ha ha! You're going to kick my ass?

Wendy: That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!

Cartman: [poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.

Wendy: You think you're tough?!

Cartman: What's up? What's up?

Wendy: I'll smack the shoot out of you!

Cartman: Standing right here. Let's go, bitch.

Wendy: After school; we fight after school. You got that?!

Cartman: You're going to fight me after school?

Wendy: That's right!

Cartman: You're a chick, dude!

Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!

Cartman: Oh, it's on, bitch.

Wendy: You're gonna ducking die!

Wendy's Mom: Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?

Wendy: What? No!

Wendy's Mom: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

[We see Eric Cartman sitting with his mother on the couch; Cartman is crying.]

Wendy's Dad: Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?

Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.

Cartman: [crying and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [starts to sob, while his mother soothes him]

Wendy's Mom: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?

Cartman: [still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts sobbing even harder]

Cartman: My report today is on breast cancer awareness. I do not believe enough is being done, and like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [suppressed laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [suppressed laugh] [...] What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?

w:Pandemic part 1 [12.10][edit]

Chief Aide: I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like one of us.

Michael Chertoff: I agree. They're obviously some kind of hybrid.

Official 1: A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?

Chief Aide: Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?

w:The Ungroundable [12.14][edit]

Butters: Oh, creatures of the night I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darkness and thus do... and thus do unto your bidding!

Mike: What?

Butters: Oh... er... I wanna be a vampire.

Michael: So lame. So lame.

Henrietta: You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.

(When the Goth kids change into normal clothes.)

Pete: Well... at least no one can refer to us as vampire kids now.

[A football rolls in front of them.]

Football kid: It went this way.

Football kid 2: Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big nosed kid, the midget and the kid with pock marks on his face.

[The first kid goes over to the collect the ball, then leaves.]

Michael: So we're back to that, are we?

Firkle: Shoot.

Pete: Let's get outta these freaking Gap clothes.

(When the Goth kids kidnap Mike and are trying to decide what to do with him.)

Michael: How about we send him to Transylvania?

Pete: Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.

Henrietta: If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.

[Pause]

All: Scottsdale.

(While burning down the Hot Topic.)

Owner: Hey, what the heck are you doing?

Pete: You should probably get outta here.

The Ring [13.1][edit]

Jimmy Vulmer: Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.

Cartman: Kenny, you're going to let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls's mouths are full of germs!

Cartman: Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're going to let that near your penis?

Kenny: Yep! Woo-hoo!

Butters: A ring that says you'd be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?

Jonas Brothers Song: I'm ready to get it on/But there's no getting on 'til I'm ready/It's too soon, slow down/Take it easy girl, I need your love, baby/I can't wait 'til the day I kiss you/Until then I have to dis you/'Cuz my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty/She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty/Baby/I'm hot.

Jonas Brothers Song: Tell me how I was to know/You would take your love and go?/Was it 'cuz I wanted to wait 'til we were married to put my arm around you?/The seasons change, baby, and the world goes round and round and round.

Jonas Brothers Song: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time, can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while/Yeah, yeah, girl we can take it slow, so we have room to grow/And in time, we can do it all/Until then, go back to Montreal/'Cuz I still love you, baby/Love you, baby/Bay-bay.

Cartman: Well, well, well, here he comes, it's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.

Jonas Brothers Song: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do/Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay righteous and true/I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble/'Cuz now we're both wearing these rings for each other/But who needs sex and drugs and partying when we can cook a meal and sit around and watch Netflix?/Baby/I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave/No need to chase after girls, that's a promise I can never break/I've made a commitment and it is forever/So we can spend every waking minute together/And if we get bored it won't be a problem/'Cuz we can just hang out with other couples who have these rings/Bay-bay.

Joe Jonas: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music and not about purity rings.

Mickey Mouse: Oh gosh, fellas, let me explain this to ya one more time. You have to wear the purity rings, 'cause that's how we can sell sex to little girls, ha-ha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks bad, ha-ha.

Joe Jonas: But we don't want to be selling sex to little girls any more!

Mickey Mouse: The rings stay on!

Joe Jonas: Well, well, maybe we'll just refuse to go on stage!

[Angered, Mickey punches Joe in the balls, causing him to fall over; he then kicks him in the face]

Mickey Mouse: You don't... fucking... talk to me... like that, ha-ha! You little... piece of... shoot, ha-ha! [Joe lies on the ground, coughing up] Get the fuck up. Get up! Ha-ha. [Nick and Kevin help Joe to his feet] Now, do we have a problem? Ha-ha.

Kevin Jonas: No, sir.

Nick Jonas: No, Mr. Mouse.

Joe Jonas: [whimpering] No, Mr. Mouse.

Mickey Mouse: Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there, ha-ha! [heads for the door] Alright now, get out there and make me some god darn money! Ha-ha. [slams the door behind him, causing a picture of the Jonas Brothers to fall and shatter]

[The Jonas Brothers just finished spraying fire extinguishers into the concert audience]

TV Host: That's great, boys. You like taking the Jonas Brothers's hot foam in your faces, girls?

Mickey Mouse: You three boys are going on stage, and [points at Stan, Kyle and Cartman] YOU three singers aren't going to stop me! Nobody is ruining this event! Ha-ha. I've worked too long and too hard to have anybody start this up! [Kyle turns up the microphone, causing the audience to hear Mickey's voice; they stop cheering] Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Ha-ha. Your music sucks and you know it! Ha-ha. It's because you make little girl's spinneys tickle! And when little girl's spinneys tickle, I make money! Ha-ha. And that's because little girls are ducking stupid! Ha-ha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want! Ha-ha. Even the Christians are too stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, ha-ha! And do you know why? [Cartman presses the curtain control button, raising the curtain] Because Christians are retarded! Ha-ha. They believe in a talking dead guy! Ha-ha. [realizes the curtain is up; turns and faces the audience, embarrassed] Ohhh. Ha-ha. Hello, folks.

Audience: BOOOOO!

Mickey Mouse: Now, now, take it easy, ha-ha. Here's the Jonas Brothers.

Joe Jonas: Come on, guys. [they turn and walk offstage]

Mickey Mouse: No! Stop! Bring them back here!

Roadie: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out.

Mickey Mouse: NO! NO, GOD DARN IT! NO! [all the while, the audience continue to boo] SHUT UP! SHUT! UP!

[He suddenly blows up to a great height and breathes fire on the audience; they run away screaming]

News Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D Television Special has failed, costing the Disney company millions, and once again Mickey is passed off and throwing a fit.

Mickey Mouse: [flying like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer! Ha-ha! [blows fire, killing every person in his path]

Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed.

Tammy: Let's take off these rings, Ken! Let's take them off and just be kids again! There will be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our mid-30s and will be boring and lame anyway!

[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]

Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on Earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.

Kyle: Well, now we know.

Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.

The Coon [13.2][edit]

Repeated Line: Who is Mysterion?

Cartman: Who is the Coon?

Mysterion: My identity's got to remain a secret. You're not going to know.

The Coon: Yeah, well. You can't know my identity either!

Mysterion: I assume you must be Cartman. Because you're fat!

(Pause)

The Coon: Well, you're wrong! I'm not Cartman and he's not fat!

Local man: Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting!

Local man 2: Give him Heck, Mysterion!

Local Woman: Look out, Mysterion, General Disarray is behind you!

Margaritaville [13.3][edit]

Stan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?

Randy: I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]

Stan: Yeah, I think I get it.

CEO: Mm, no I can't do that yeah no.

Accountant: Okay, we put your money in the bank AND IT'S GONE!

Stan: What?!

Accountant: Sir, please, you're holding up the line.

Randy: We must stop pointing fingers! Finger pointing gets us nowhere- [points to man] Steve!

Randy: The economy is our shepherd, we shall not want.

Eat, Pray, Queef [13.4][edit]

Randy: It stopped being funny when air came out her vagina, Sharon!

Katie: I'm so excited and queefy!

Wendy: [hopefully] Hey, Stan. You wanna maybe study together after school?

Stan: What? No way, dude! Today's the day!

Announcer: And now, the exciting conclusion of Terrance and Philip: Blood Rage... (a "Special Presentation" graphic appears onscreen)...will not be seen Tonight so that we bring you this Queef Sisters special! (The "April Fools" graphic seen at the beginning of Not Without My Anus appears again, with the accompanying kazoo honk.) The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters, Katie and Katherine Queef! Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out of their vaginas! (Cut to several stills of the titular sisters doing just that...)

(Cut to a gynecologist's office. The Queef Sisters are both in stirrups as the doctor comes in.)

Doctor: All right, Queef Sisters! It's time for your yearly Pap smear and vag exam!

Katie (pleasantly: All right, Doctor!

Katherine (equally pleasant): I'm ready, Doctor! (The doctor walks over to Katherine.)

Doctor: Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (he puts his head down between Katherine's legs, and not even two seconds later, she queefs, blowing his hair back. Repulsed) Ugh! (The sisters laugh, not unlike Terrance and Philip would.)

(Cut back to the kids watching this spectacle in disgust.)

Cartman (disgustedly): What the heck is this?!

(Cut back to the gyno's office.)

Doctor (sternly): Now, listen here! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!

Katherine (apologetically): I'm sorry, Doctor, I had air trapped in my vagina.

Doctor: Well, just don't let it happen again! Now, I'm just going to check for cysts. (Again, he assumes the position. Again, Katherine queefs. Again, they both laugh hysterically. Now he's really mad...) Now, stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! (Once again, he assumes the position. Need we elaborate on what happens next? He slams down his notepad in disgust.) That does it! No Pap smear for you! (points at Katherine)

Katherine: But, Doctor, what if I have cancer?

Doctor (unmoved): You should have thought about that before you queefed in my face three times!

(Cut back to the kids. They're even more confused and disgusted than before, but it's leaning more towards disgust.)

Butters (confused): They aren't going to show Part Two of The Terrance and Philip Show?

(Back to the gyno's office.)

Katie: Doctor, my sister's just being difficult. Maybe you could examine my cervix instead!

Doctor: Well, all right...Now I'm just going to check for cysts... (You know the rest. Thoroughly repulsed, he throws down his notepad again.) That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! (He storms out of the exam room, slamming the door behind him.)

Katherine (innocently): Oh, Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.

Katie (innocently): I guess so, Katherine...

(Cut to the kids.)

Cartman: Dude! What the heck is this disgusting crap?

(Cut to a two shot of Terrance and Philip in the office of Brian, the President of the Canada Channel. They've also been watching the Queef Sisters special, and they would like to know the same thing Cartman wants to know...)

Philip: What the heck is this disgusting crap?!

Terrance (equally disgusted): Queef Sisters?!

Brian: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.

Terrance (incredulous): You replaced our show with this? But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!

Philip: That's sick!

Brian: You think farts are funny, why not queefs?

Terrance (annoyed because it's so obvious): Because babies come from there!

Brian: Hey, look, guys! Women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience-you know, women empowerment and the get-go! So we want to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry, guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gone stale!

(The Marsh family is at the dinner table, quietly eating. Suddenly, there is a very quiet noise, almost like a fart, except...different somehow. Stan and Randy look up.)

Randy: (wary): What was that?

Sharon: Oh...excuse me...(barely stifling a giggle) I had some air trapped. (Shelly knows exactly what her mother means, and she can't suppress her own giggle. Randy, however, is somewhat less than appreciative of how funny that was.)

Randy: (disgusted): Oh, my God, did you just...at the table?

Stan (equally grossed out): Gross, Mom! (Seeing Randy and Stan's disgust only sets Sharon and Shelly to giggling again.)

Randy: (stern and paternal): Okay, that's enough, girls, all right?! I mean, how old are you, Sharon?

Sharon (trying to sound relatively contrite): Sorry. It's just...it's just pretty funny how much it bothers you. (Apparently the humor is lost on the masculine portion of the Marsh family.)

Randy: (sarcastic): Oh, yeah, yeah, that's really funny!

Stan: Stop it, Mom!

Randy: Yea, okay? Let"s just try to have a nice dinner, okay?

Sharon: Okay, I'm sorry. (They go back to eating again in silence. A couple seconds later, another queer can be heard. This time, both Sharon and Shelly crack up.)

Randy: (like you'd talk to a child): Sharon Marsh!

(Cut to the Queer Sisters's bedroom. Philip is dodging various missiles being thrown at him by Katherine.)

Philip: You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? (He ducks to avoid a vase as it smashes against the wall.)

Katherine: I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! (She chucks another vase at Philip, who dodges that one as well.)

Philip: You don't queer in bed while we're having sex!

Katherine: Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! (The lights come on to reveal Terrance and Katie in the other bed.)

Terrance: Can you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here!

Philip: She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!

Terrance (thoroughly repulsed): Sick!

Katie (gamely): Well, what's the big deal?. I've been queefing in this bed the entire time! (Terrance does a double-take.)

Terrance: WHAT?! GROSS! (He slaps Katie.)

Katie: How dare you! (She punches Terrance right in the face. Both women start pushing them to the door.)

Katherine (screeching hysterically): GET OUT! GET OUT, BOTH OF YOU! WE NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! (They shove Terrance and Philip through the threshold and onto the porch.)'

Terrance (dumbfounded): After all we've been through? (He gets his answer from the door suddenly slammed in their face. The two sisters hug each other, crying and queefing in equal measure.)

(Cut to the porch. Terrance and Philip are smoking cigarettes and bemoaning their position.)

Terrance (sighing): What the hell am I going to do, Philip? She makes me so mad sometimes!

Philip: Katherine just won't stop queefing...but I don't know if could live without her...

(Cut back to the bedroom. The Queef Sisters are still crying and queefing, when Terrance and Philip come back in.)

Philip (contrite): Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong.

Terrance (equally contrite): Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but darn iit, I love you.

Katherine (runs to hug Terrance): Oh, Terrance...

Katie (doing the same with Philip): Philip! (Both couples get back in their respective beds and start getting their Canadian freak on, and soon the room is a cacophony of farts and queefs.)

(Cut to the school, the day after the Queef Sisters special. The kids are gathered around Cartman as he shouts into a cellphone at an unseen representative of the Canada Channel.)

Cartman: No, no, as a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for 35 minutes! (beat) Well, we want some goddamn answers, that what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Philip conclusion, you asshole?! (At that moment, Wendy, Bebe and a couple other girls walk over. Wendy goes over to Stan.)

Wendy: What's going on?

Stan: We're complaining to the Canada Network because they put something really gross on TV.

Cartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air out of their vagina into a man's face? (Beat, then Cartman gets really passed.) No, no, see, some of us were eating when you showed that!

Clyde (chiming in): I threw up on the way home.

Cartman: Clyde threw up on the way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!

Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman!

Red: What happened?

Butters: They didn't show Part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!

Kyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!

Bebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?

Cartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! ...Don't call me buddy; I'm not your buddy!

Fishsticks [13.5][edit]

Jimmy: Say, Eric, do you like fish sticks?

Cartman: Yeah?

Jimmy: Do you like putting fish dicks in your mouth?

Cartman: Yeah?

Jimmy: Well, what are you, Eric? A gay fish?

Cartman: [thinks for a second] Fish...dicks. Aw, dude, that is funny as shoot!

Kanye West: Because I am a genius I have ascertained that fish have gills. Doctor do I have gills?

Doctor: He does not have gills.

Kanye West: You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish! And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that. Alright! It's over! Now are there any questions!?

Reporter: Do You like Fish sticks?

Kanye West: Love um.

Reporter: You're a gay fish.

Kanye West: No I'm naahhhh!

Kanye West: I'm a motherliness lyrical wordsmith motherliness genius!

Carlos Mencia: [tied up at Kanye West's mansion] Okay, look, it wasn't me! I didn't really start the fishstick thing, all right?

Kanye West: You're just saying that now 'cause you're scared.

Carlos Mencia: No, man, it's true! I stole it, man! I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funny! Come on, man, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funny? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!

Kanye West: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?

Carlos Mencia: Nothing! Look at me, man! I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work, man. I got to pass in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick!

Craig: Yeah, and if I had wheels I'd be a wagon.

[Kanye comes into the room with Cartman and Jimmy and his goons begin smashing everything]

Cartman: Dude, it's Puff Daddy!

Kanye West:[speaking on David Letterman about the fish sticks joke] Yo, that is messed up, yo. I am not gay, and I sure as heck ain't no fish, all right?!

David Letterman: You...really don't get it?

Kanye West: Hey, yo man, I'm the most talented musician in the world! If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know!

David Letterman: You're a rapper.

Kanye West: Yes.

David Letterman: An entrepreneur.

Kanye West: Yes.

David Letterman: And you like fish sticks.

Kanye West: Yes.

David Letterman: You're a gay fish.

Kanye West: [agitated] No, I am not no gay fish!

David Letterman: Just gay?

Kanye West: I am not gay, and I'm not a fish! Man!

David Letterman: You are male.

Kanye West: Darn right, I'm male!

David Letterman: A male that likes fish sticks.

Kanye West: Yeah, I like fish sticks.

David Letterman: You like to put fish sticks in your mouth.

Kanye West: Yeah.

David Letterman: You're a gay fish. Also, I'm not gay.

Kanye West: All right, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherliness ass! [attacks Letterman]

Pinewood Derby [13.6][edit]

Randy: Oh shoot, it's Baby Fark McGeezax!

Fatbeard [13.7][edit]

Kyle: [reading Ike's letter] "Dear Mommy and Daddy, I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a ducking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables, I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be-to be a pirate"? Oh, shoot!

Cartman: [repeated line] DA duck?

Somali Pirate Song written by Cartman:We drink and we pillage and we do what we please / We get all that we want for free / We'll kick your ass / And rape your lass / Somalian pirates we / So with a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And with a yee hee hee (yee hee hee) / We take to the African sea / We'll brave the squalls / And bust your balls / Somalian pirates we / We left our homes and we left our mothers / To go on a pillaging spree / We'll cut off your ears / And break your toes / And make you drink our pee / And if you sail into our waters / You best hear this decree / We'll take your boat / Set your ass afloat / Somalian pirates we / With a yo ho ho (yo ho ho) / And a trick a-Lotty do (trick a-Lotty do) / We'll shoot you in the face with glee / Then we'll cut off your cock / And feed it to a croc / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we / Somalian pirates we!

Dead Celebrities [13.8][edit]

Ike: Make Billy Mays go away, Kyle!

Ike: [whispering] I...see...dead celebrities...

Cartman: [on Stan's assertion that he doesn't get 'underwear blood' when eating Chipotle] Well, how nice for you, Stan. You may have a Golden Rectum of the Gods, but the rest of us need Chipotl-Away!

Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you-

Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his ducking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!

Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!

Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the ducking balls!

Walter Cronkite: As much as this sucks, it's better than living in a world where it costs $2 for a passenger vehicle to go through a toll booth in West Virginia.

Patrick Swayze: Don't forget the electronic toll collection in Ohio.

Butters' Bottom Bitch[edit]

Butters: Do you know what I am saying?

Butters: Yo, Bebe, Bebe yo.

Bebe: What?

Butters: Bitch, you wanna make some money?

Bebe: What!?

Butters: Bitch, you should be doing kisses around the playground, you can make $50 a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.

Bebe: Shut up!

Butters: Oh, alright then.

[Butters doing schoolwork then spots Wendy]

Butters: Hey Wendy, Wendy!

[Wendy looks at Butters]

Butters: Bitch, don't you wanna start making some real ducking money?

Wendy: [annoyed] Leave me alone!

Butters: Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there working. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.

Stan: [annoyed] Butters, dude!

Butters: What?

Stan: You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!

Butters: Oh. Well all I'm saying the bitch should be out there working is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doing, bitch? Just giving kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be making some mother ducking money!

Wendy: Stan!

Stan: Butters, seriously. If you don't stop this, I'll kick your ass!

Butters: [turns to Clyde] Clyde, here's a $100. If Stan comes near me, punch him.

Clyde: Wowwee. [grabs the money from Butters]

Cartman: [turns to Stan] Dude, we've created a monster.

Butters: Come on Wendy, you should be putting that mouth to work.

Mr. Garrison: Butters, Butters, do you have a problem?

Butters: All these bitches are kissing fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious ducking money!

Butters: Kyle, every boy pay for kisses, do you know what I am saying? if you've got a girl and she's kissing you, sooner or later, you are paying for it. you gotta take her out to lunch, take to a movie, and then spend time listening to all her stupid problems. look, look at there, he's got to sit there and listen to her stupid motherfucking problems because she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the $5 dollars my company charges.

W.T.F.[edit]

Skeeter: You'd better take your gay porn and walk right out of this bar.

Whale Whores [13.9][edit]

Japanese People: [repeated line] Fakku you wharuu and fakku you dorufeen!

Cartman: Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shots about stupid ass whales!

[Cartman, Kyle and Kenny are playing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" on Rock Band]

Cartman: [to the tune of Poker Face] I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be

I don't give a crap about whales so go and hug a tree-

Stan: Wait, we can't just lie to people.

Paul Watson: Why not?

Stan: 'Cause then we're just douche bags, dude. C'mon let's get hardcore!

Paul Watson: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns. You guys ready? Ready and throw the stinky butter at 'em!

Stan: Admit you just want to be on TV.

Kenny: I just want to be on TV.

Cartman: [whispers] Kenny! [aloud] I deserve to be on TV.

Cartman: Your show is ducking gay dude!

Northwestern crew member: Your show is ducking gay!

Stan: Dolphins and whales were framed by the real bombers. A chicken and a cow.

Emperor Akihito: [upon discovering "real" Hiroshima bombers] Chicken and Cow? CHICKEN AND COW?!

Yukio Hatoyama: CHICKEN AND COW USED POOR DOLPHIN AND WHALE AS A SCAPEGOAT?! THIS IS OUTRAGE!

Stan: Wait for it...wait for it.. Now! [reveals Godzilla]

Japanese People: Fakku you Cow! Fakku you Chicken!

Randy: [upon seeing the Japanese killing cows and chickens] Great job, son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us.

The F Word [13.10][edit]

Cartman: Excuse me. Excuse me! HEY ASSHOLES!

Motorcycle Driver: What did you say?

Motorcycle Driver: Hey! We roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!

Cartman: The only people who need to dress up and be as loud and obnoxious as possible are you guys and 16-year-old girls. Just wanted to you let know, you're ducking fags.

Ike: [upon seeing the motorcycle gang] FAGS!

Randy: [upon seeing the motorcycle gang] FAGS!

Mayor: You four turd balls in my office NOW!

Dances with Smurfs [13.11][edit]

Gordon Stoltski: [reading morning announcements over the intercom to the school] Good morning, South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents's requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marinara sauce and side salad. Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for Glee Club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a- [is interrupted when a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on?! [everyone in Fourth Grade classroom looks up at the speaker in surprise]

Intruder: I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!

Gordon Stoltski: Who are you?!

Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!

Gordon Stoltski: Hey! He's got a gun!

Intruder: You little bastard! You scared my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?

Gordon Stoltski: Sir, please, I don't know you.

Intruder: Yeah, right!

Man: [intervening] All right, what the heck is going on around here? You, sir, need to leave this area. [the intruder kills the man with two shots, causing alarm to people in classroom]

Gordon Stoltski: [hysterical] Oh God, he shot him!

Intruder: You had to push me, didn't ya?! Now, you!

Gordon Stoltski: [screams in terror] Sir, I truly don't know- [the intruder hits him; Gordon screams some more]

Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!

Gordon Stoltski: [screaming hysterically] Please! I don't know you!

Intruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!

Gordon Stoltski: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!

Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements!

Gordon Stoltski: [screaming] SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Intruder: I said do it! [hits Gordon]

Gordon Stoltski: [continues screaming] Any interested students should fill out an applicant survey- [more hitting and screaming]

Intruder: I knew you were lying! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!

Gordon Stoltski: No, please! I'm so scared! I'm so scared!

Intruder: Do it!

Gordon Stoltski: Please! I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice is now muffled, indicating the gun barrel is now in his mouth; the gun goes off and Gordon Stoltski is heard falling to the floor, dead]

Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. [commits suicide. By now, nearly everyone in the classroom is in shock]

[Stan confronts Cartman at his book signing of "What Happened to My School?", which includes offensive and explicit rumors about Wendy Testaburger, Stan's girlfriend]

Stan: What the heck do you think you're doing?!

Cartman: A book signing.

Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's 540 pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!

Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!

Stan: [reading from book] "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end!"

Cartman: [leans over the table and points something out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.

Stan: [reading] "Or does she?"

Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!

Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!

First Boy: [reading from book] "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"

Stan: Hey-hey, stop reading that!

First Boy: Well, what do you mean?

Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book doesn't mean he has any idea what compeition among existing steak sauces is!

Second Boy: Yes, it does!

Casey Miller: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.

[While Cartman is waiting to tryout for the morning announcements, Casey Miller appears and sits next to him]

Cartman: Who are you?

Casey Miller: My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. Ever since I can remember, people have told me I should read the morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am. And hopefully, I'll be the kid worth the job.

Stan: [about Cartman's ripping off on Wendy] Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?

Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.

Stan: Well, don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.

Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!

Casey Miller: The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller, and these are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second grade student Brian Felner. Brian writes "Dear Casey, Why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far, Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy." Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douche bag milkshake.

Cartman: I'm doing the best that I can! [leaves his desk and runs out of the classroom, sobbing]

Pee [13.14][edit]

Eric Cartman's Minorities Song: What has happened to this place / I don't recognize it anymore / It used to be so fun and special / What is life worth living for The dream is dead / Our land is gone / There's a hole in my heart / And I can't go on / There are too many minorities (minorities) / At my water park (my water park) / This was our land, our dream (our dream) / and they've taken it all away / They just keep coming and coming (minorities) / I tried to go and tell the police / But even the authorities / Are minorities (are minorities) / At my water park / There's no place for me to sit anymore / And the lines just keep getting crazier / There are Mexicans all around me / The lazy river has never been lazier / It's a 40 minute wait to go down one slide / And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!) / There are too many minorities (too many) / At my water park (somebody do something) / Where did they all come from / Why can't they leave this land alone / And it's such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying) / We looked the other way too long / We've got to change our priorities / And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park / (Minorities) Mexicans and Asian / Black people / I think I even saw Native Americans (gross) / God I'm asking please / Get all of these minorities / Out of my water park (my water park)

Pi-Pi: Just one last thing, you need to drink some pee.

Kyle: What?!

Pi-Pi: You must drink about three cups of pee.

Kyle: I am NOT, NOT drinking pee!

Sexual Healing [14.1][edit]

Recurring line: We have a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl.

Elin Nordegren: [recurring line] You motherboard! I never should've married you!

The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs [14.2][edit]

Cartman: You're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the King of Hippies?! Can we please read this, right now?!

Stan: [runs in, panicking] Guys, guys! We are totally ducked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer; my parents must have found it!

Cartman: So why are we all ducked? They'll think you wrote it all!

Stan: [angrily] Hey, I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it; if I'm going down, someone has to go down with me!

Kyle: Well, if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!

Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!

Stan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down.

[Butters is confronted by the boys in the school hallways]

Cartman: Butters, what the duck do you think you're doing?!

Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?

Kyle: Butters, you know goddamn well you didn't write that book!

Butters: [a little angrily] But, you told me I did.

Stan: Yeah, but that's when we thought we were going to get in trouble, asshole!

[Red and Lola appear and defend Butters]

Red: Hey, hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.

Lola: [fondly] He's so brooding and full of angst.

Butters: [smugly] Yeah, I'm brooding.

Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit.

Red: Oh, God, you guys are pathetic!

Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off Butters's success for once!

[the girls leave]

Stan: [frustrated] God darn it!

Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have-!

Butters: [snaps] No! Let me tell you something, fellas! You always take advantage of me. And after reading Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! [the boys look shocked at this sudden explosion] I'm not letting you trick me this time. So the four of you can just suck on my wiener. [Leaves]

Cartman: [After a pause; in a shocked voice] What an inconsiderate jerk...

Reporter: [commenting on The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned 465 times. Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?

Matthew Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.

Reporter: Uh-huh. And Matthew? How come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [Parker simply blinks at the camera, but Broderick gets a stunned look on his face]

News Reporter: [After Butters' book influences a lunatic to murder the Kardashians] Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop that took a Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over; the Kardashians wiped out in the blink of an eye, all because one little PRICK had to go and write a book! Leopold Stotch, I hope they bury you, you evil fuck!

Medicinal Fried Chicken [14.3][edit]

[Randy is smoking weed in front of Officer Barbrady, with his enlarged testicles in a wheelbarrow]

Randy: Oh, that is nice. That is nice

Jimbo: [running up] Randy! Jesus, Randy! Your balls!

Randy: I know. Smoking pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?

Jimbo: No! I mean your actual balls!

Billy: Do you want to do it?

Cartman: Do I want to do it? Does the pope help pedophiles get away with their crimes?

Billy: Excellent.

Cartman: Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic, and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Cartman: I told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.

Billy: You wouldn't do that.

Cartman: Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?

You Have 0 Friends [14.4][edit]

[Kyle is trying to find new Facebook friends on Chat Roulette. So far, all he's found are men masturbating on web cam]

Kyle: Screw this, I don't wanna see anymore!

Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! You wanna find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first!

200 [14.5][edit]

Rob Reiner: [talking about Mecha-Streisand] Power her up! Release the Kiken!

201 [14.6][edit]

Scott Tenorman: Revenge is a dish best served...chili!

Kyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.

Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Crippled Summer [14.7][edit]

Poor and Stupid [14.8][edit]

[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]

Tony Kornheiser: All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.

Cartman: [In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is passing me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm passed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the duck is up with that? That's buckskin gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] Its gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.

Butters: Obama's buckskin gay.

Cartman: He's buckskin gay as heck.

Butters: Passes me off.

Cartman: So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they buckskin come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama is gay as hell!

Tony Kornheiser: Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.

Kenny: Duck you!

It's a Jersey Thing [14.09][edit]

Snooki: [Recurring line] Snooki want smush smush!

Insheeption [14.10][edit]

[Specialists are sorting out Stan's hoarding problem. Everyone is assembled at Stan's locker]

Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today, we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. All right, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan.

[Stan opens his locker, which is quite stuffed. There are gasps of shock all around, and Wendy starts crying]

Stan: What? Come on, it's not that bad.

Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control, or his psychosis will come out.

Stan: "My psychosis?" Look, it isn't that big of a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.

Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, great. Now how about we start with this... [takes out a pencil box]

Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.

Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. [places box down and takes out a broken toothbrush] Now, how about this? Broken toothbrush?

Stan: Well, it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I...

Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.

Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine, and it...

Dr. Chinstrap: Okay, okay, broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [places it down and takes out a maggot-infested sandwich] Now, how about this? Old sandwich in a baggie, filled with maggots? [there are groans of disgust from all those present]

Stan: [faltering slightly] Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean, I kinda need that, let's just keep that.

Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?

Stan: [faltering further] Well I might need it if I ever have to, you know, like...

Dr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?

Stan: [starting to lose his nerve] Well, I - I guess so but... [as the sandwich is thrown in the baggie] W-w-wait, this is all happening a little fast, can we just slow down?

[Stan's friends share a look of concern]

Dr. Chinstrap: [Taking an empty aspirin bottle] Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?

Stan: Well no, don't throw that out!

Dr. Chinstrap: [reaching into the locker] Can we throw out these watered out papers, then? [pulls them out]

Stan: [really losing his composure] No, because there could be something written on them that's important and... [gathering some papers up and trying to retrieve the bottle] No, don't take my empty bottle... G-GIVE ME BACK MY SANDWICH! [stops]

[People are looking at him in shock, and Cartman starts twirling his finger around his head and whistling at Stan to indicate he's insane]

Freddy Krueger: [Kills Woodsy Owl from behind] There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy!

Coon 2: Hindsight [14.11][edit]

DP Executive 6: The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?

Tony Hayward: [arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it.

Mysterion Rises [14.12][edit]

Newsreader: The boys state that there also used to be a member named the Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote: "a dick".

Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone why are we still calling ourselves "Coon and Friends"?

Mysterion: Because it passes Cartman off beyond belief and I find that [laughs] extremely funny.

[When asking about the cult of Cthulhu meetings]

Mysterion: What happened at those meetings?

Stuart McCormick: Trust us, we don't remember. I know it sounds hard to believe but we were actually really drunk the entire time.

Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.

[When Hindsight says he doesn't want his superpower anymore]

Mysterion: There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.

Hindsight: What... what is your power?

[pause]

Mysterion: I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong ducking cowboy.

Red Goth: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.

Goth Leader: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the ducking Disney Channel.

Coon vs. Coon and Friends [14.13][edit]

[When the boys are talking about their superpowers]

Toolshed: What's your superpower, Mysterion?

Mysterion: I can't die!

Toolshed: Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible-

Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, really can't die!

Stan: (laughing) What?

Mysterion: Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.

Human Kite: When was that?

Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes never remember!

Stan: I think we would remember you dying, dude.

Mysterion: Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.

Stan: Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.

Mint Berry Crunch: No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!

Mysterion: (disappointed) I knew there is no point in telling you guys.

Human Kite: OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.

Mysterion: (furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot, decapitated, torn apart, burnt, run over?!

Stan: Kenny, Kenny, calm down!

Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It ducking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and ducking remember!

(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)

Cartman: As the Coon explains how the disaster can be stopped something terrible happened. The Coon friends changed and their superpowers morphed them somehow turning them into super villains! The Coon try to reason with them. Try to bring them back to the side of good but it was to late.

[Sometime later the boys are talking about their next move for a good deed]

Mysterion: [annoyed] You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?

Toolshed: [laughs] What?

Crème Fraiche [14.14][edit]

Operator: Thanks for calling the Food Network hotline. Billing is $9.95 for each 60 second period. To accept, say "Creme Fraiche".

Randy: Creme Fraiche.

Amanda: Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?

Randy: Oh, hi, I just, uh, thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?

Amanda: I'm making a pan roasted chicken.

Randy: Pan roasted? Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven?

Amanda: Uh-huh. I'm just taking the chicken out of the pan. It's so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.

Randy: Yeah?

Amanda: Yeah. Ooh, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.

Randy: You gonna glaze that ducking pan?

Amanda: Oh, I'm gonna glaze it. You wanna help me?

Randy: If I was there I would. I'd take some red wine - about a quarter cup - and then a wooden spoon and I'd glaze the duck out of that pan.

Amanda: I got a wooden spoon right here. It's pretty hard.

Randy: Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're glazing?

Amanda: I was thinking about shallots actually.

Randy: Oh yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavor. Fuck yeah.

Sharon: [picking up phone] Randy Marsh!

Randy: Ah! Sharon!

Operator: Your time on Food Network hotline has expired. To add more time, say "Creme Fraiche".

HUMANCENTiPAD [15.1][edit]

Japanese man: NO! I WILL NOT EAT IF THEY ARE FORCED TO EAT MY POO!

Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPad on the Japanese man's forehead.] Oh wow! No way! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!

(Cartman and his mother Liane are in Best Buy looking at iPads.)

Liane: Here, look at this one... a Toshiba HandiBook.

Cartman (offended that Liane would even suggest such a thing): A Toshiba HandiBook?!

Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price.

Cartman (bratty): Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!

Liane (stern): Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat. You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook, or you can have nothing at all. (There is a pause while Cartman considers this.)

Cartman (even snottier): I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms? Because we should at least be safe if you're going to FUCK ME, MOM!

Liane (sharp): Eric...

Cartman (butters his ass as if he's on a roll!): You might as well buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! (Cartman's meltdown has attracted some very unwelcome attention.) Do you want to fuck me, Mom?! Just say so! (Cartman yanks down his pants and presents his ass to Liane, who is totally mortified.) GO AHEAD, MOM, FUCK ME! FUCK ME RIGHT IN THE BEST BUY! YOU WANNA FUCK YOUR SON SO BAD?! GO ON! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!

(Cut to the car, not long after that. Cartman is sobbing while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)

Liane (angry): Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!

Cartman (contrite): But I told you I was sorry.

Liane (not convinced): You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!

Cartman (innocontrite): But I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.

Liane: Then why did you go outside to the police officer and say "HELP HELP MY MOM IS TRYING TO FUCK ME!"?

Cartman: Oh wait. I get it now. The "F" word is a no-no word. and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry, Mama.

Liane: If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything.

Cartman: (sniffles) Well, no, that doesn't really have any logical sense, mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad... Mama. Please can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?

Liane: (Yells): No!

Cartman: (Sniffles) Well, then could we at least pull up here and get some dinner? Cause I liked to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED!

Japanese man: OH, NO! Cuttlefish is about to come out tofu asshole!

Kyle: (Please, don't!)

Japanese man: Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be a rot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu! [shits into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle shits into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman shits onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]

Funnybot [15.2][edit]

[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]

Cartman: Dude, what the heck?! Did you see the news?!

Stan: We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!

Jimmy: Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!

Cartman: OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!

Funnybot: Exterminate!

Royal Pudding [15.3][edit]

"What a great day for Canadians everywhere! The Winnipeg drummers, playing the "March of 1000 Farts"...as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family."

"People in attendance, now gently tossing Cap'n Crunch as the prince passes by...as of course is tradition."

"Ah, here she comes! Yes, there she is! The about-to-be princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing? So pure of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face...She is indeed the living symbol of our greatly country. My God, she's beautiful."

Scott: (loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell Kraft dinna.

Canadian General: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!

Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And THEN I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!

Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.

Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blow job once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.

Ike: STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!

Scott: Oh, so now I'M a dick?!

T.M.I. [15.4][edit]

Butters: ...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.

Kyle: No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.

Butters: Skeletor's real?

Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.

Butters: Skeletor's a lady?

Cartman: [enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT! WHO THE HECK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!

Butters: Hey, Eric!

Cartman: [violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUNKING SCHOOL! [Butters gasps as the guys's drunks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND ITS STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!

Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?

Cartman: NO, I DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.

Stan: Dude, we're just trying to eat.

Cartman: Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you!

Cartman: Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!

Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!

Cartman: For what?!

Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!

Cartman: [points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!

Victoria: ...What?

Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!

Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?

Cartman: You're darn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that MY penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!

Victoria: The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!

Cartman: What?

Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You GREW 1.2 inches.

Cartman: ...Those weren't our dick sizes?

Victoria: WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?!

Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?!

Victoria: We didn't!

Cartman: [gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone Else's because of me?!

Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!

Cartman: Oh, God! Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?

Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric!

Cartman: [points at her] FUNK YOU! No I don't!

Worker: Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.

Therapist: Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would Ne- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on- Put down the- [gunshot] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]

Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Crack Baby Athletic Association [15.5][edit]

City Sushi [15.6][edit]

Takayama: Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order please?

Tuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your City Sushi right next to my City Wok?!

Takayama: I'm sorry I do under understand your accent. You want a City tuna roll?

Tuong Lu Kim: No I don't want City tuna roll! I want you to go find another city town to open your City Sushi place!

Takayama: Why don't you please just speak English? Maybe I can understand you!

Tuong Lu Kim: I am speaking English! Why don't you speak a ducking English, you sofa eating luck!

Takayama: Get out or I call police!

Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't want to eat this City Sushi! It give you worms.

Takayama: Better than City Kong Po Chicken made from CAT!

[Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takayama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]

You're Getting Old [15.7][edit]

Ass Burgers [15.8][edit]

Stan:[He snaps in Class] God shut up, Everyone shut the fuck up.

Kyle:Stan?

Stan:[While Drunk] Kyle! "Hugs Kyle"

Kyle:Hey Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]

Stan:[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shorty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is buckskin hysterical!

Kyle:Stan, are you alright?

Stan:But Kyle, it's all shot! For real! It's all shot 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna duck it all up! Come on!

Kyle:Dude. Have you been drinking?

Stan:You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!

Kyle:It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.

Stan:[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shorty- is that buckskin concept?

Kyle:See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become. "Cartman shows up to see Kyle]

Cartman:Everything alright here, Kyle?

Kyle:Yeah, It's fine.

Cartman:We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.

Kyle:Yeah yeah, ah I'll be right there.

Stan:Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!

Kyle:Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.

Stan:[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you Kyle, [Flips him off] You're piece of shit! [Kyle leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're piece of shit though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him]

The Last of the Meheecans[edit]

Cartman: [turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!

Liane: [walking out] Eric, you want to say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yee-haw!

The other four: Yeeh-aw [Timmy stays silent]

Bass to Mouth [15.9][edit]

Craig:Exclusive: "Stan Marsh thinks Elize Thomson has a hot butt crack."

Stan:What?

[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]

Stan:Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the duck!

Kenny:What?

Stan:How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?

Kenny:I don't know.

Stan:Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?

Kenny:No.

Stan:That was a Private e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.

Wendy:You like looking at girls's butt crack, Stan!

Kenny:Oh, well, I'm getting out of here. [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

Stan: What's funny about having our private emails hacked into?!

Wendy: Especially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack!

Broadway Bro Down[edit]

1%[edit]

Cartman: And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that made me not ceeuuwwl!

A History Channel Thanksgiving[edit]

Natalie Portman: "Hmm... no!"

Cartman: "Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it's called menopause?"

Stan: "What?"

Cartman: "Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle's been so grouchy lately."

The Poor Kid[edit]

Repeated Line: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!

Eric Cartman: Your mamma's so poor she can't even pay attention!

Eric Cartman: My mamma's so poor she walks down the street in one shoe, and if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says 'No I found one!'

Mysterion: Karen McCormick is off limits!, do you understand? Make sure everybody in this school knows!

Carol McCormick: (yelling) Both of you are pieces of shot. Sit the duck down!

Child Service Agent: (crying) ITS LIKE A PENN STATE HOMECOMING PARTY!

Eric Cartman: (singing) I'm not, I'm not, that's right. The poor kid at schoooooool.

Imaginationland Episode IIII: (The Wild Thing's Trilogy)[edit]

Stan: Who are you?

The Wild Thing: Who? Me? The Wild Thing. Hello, Stan. Did you get the money that all the creatures own us?

Stan: Uh, nah, but tell that the Mayor of Imaginationland has went on a vacation to California and- uh, (gulps) that, that- he stole your horns. And, and- he thinks that you're a, a-a-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA... [A blue ghost raises his hand up]

Blue Ghost: A ghost?

Stan: A ghost! [The Wild Thing growls heavily, Stan sweats at the creatures]

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire[edit]

[The fourth grade class, including Bart, is singing "Jingle Bells" in the school Christmas pageant.]

Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like an angel?

[All the other kids sing "Jingle Bells" correctly while Bart sings inappropriately by choosing alternate lyrics]

Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, the Joker got awa-hey!

[Skinner yanks Bart out of the choir and Homer is displeased with his misbehavior.]

(Bart and Barney are trying to convince Homer to go to the dogtrack and bet his paycheck to get Christmas money)

Bart: Come on, Dad. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

Homer: Oh, okay, let's go. (as Barney, Bart, and Homer are leaving) Who's Tiny Tim?

(Bart goes to the Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor)

Bart: One "Mother," please.

Tattoo Artist: Wait a minute. How old are you?

Bart: 21, sir.

Tattoo Artist: Get in the chair.

Homer: [picks up the phone] Yello.

Patty: [voice from the phone] Marge, please.

Homer: Who is it?

Patty: [voice] May I please speak to Marge?

Homer: [unsure] This is one of her sisters, isn't it?

Patty: [voice] Is Marge there?

Homer: [annoyed] Who shall I say is calling?!

Patty: [voice] Marge, please.

Homer: [dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner... uh, little partner?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

After Homer reveals he took the job as a mall Santa because there is no money for presents

Bart: I am impressed, Dad. You must really love us to do something so demeaning.

Bart the Genius[edit]

[The family is playing Scrabble.]

Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.

[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]

Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.

Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.

Marge: And a short temper.

Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.

Homer: What is it, son?

Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.

Homer: What?

Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

[Long pause.]

Homer: Why you little...! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]

Marge: What's going on out there?

Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge: Oh, well.

[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]

Homer: YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER!

Bart: I can try!

Homer: March your butt right out here, NOW!

Bart: No way, man!

[Homer is about to continue pounding on the door, but stops with a crafty smile.]

Homer: [with false concern] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.

Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!

[Homer howls in rage and continues pounding at the door.]

Homer's Odyssey[edit]

[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy.]

Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem.

[Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug.]

Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.

Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely!

[the customers laugh]

Moe: Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!

[Bart and Lisa laugh]

Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.

Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

There's No Disgrace Like Home[edit]

Homer: Afternoon, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns: Ah, hello there, uh.. uh...

Homer: [whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.

Smithers: [gives cue card] Here you go, sir.

Mr. Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little... Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!

Bart: Bart.

Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!

Homer: Now, remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.

Lisa: Hey, Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!

Bart: Heey!

Homer: D'oh! [runs after them] Be normal! Be normal!

Marge: Homey! Get in the car!

Lisa: This is where you belong!

Bart: Yeah, Homer, room for one more!

Marge, Lisa and Bart: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!

[Homer reluctantly gets in the car and envisions himself driving in Hell with the rest of the family laughing in delight. He looks across to see the perfectly normal family continue their drive to Heaven. Cut to Homer driving his family home normally while Marge looks on about to be sick.]

[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them.]

Dr. Monroe: (to Homer) Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.

Marge: Now, Doctor, that's not true.

Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.

Bart: Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.

Homer: That does it!

[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it.]

Dr. Monroe: Whoa!

[Dr. Monroe takes the lamp from Homer.]

Dr. Monroe: (Chuckles) Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.

Bart the General[edit]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart: I guess I could do that.

Homer: What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!

Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?!

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children!

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.

Moaning Lisa[edit]

Homer: Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?

Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]

Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.

Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.

Homer: Let's hear it.

[Lisa starts clacking for a while]

Homer: You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.

Lisa: Every day at noon the bell rings and they herd us in here for feeding time. And we sit around like cattle chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable...

Bart: Haha! Food fight! [everyone but Lisa food fights each other]

Janey: C'mon, Lis! Whaddaya waitin' for? Chuck that spaghetti!

Lisa: I choose not to participate.

[Mr. Largo spots Lisa wildly off-track]

Mr. Largo: [taps music stand] Lisa! [...] Lisa Simpson! [Lisa stops] Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country, 'Tis of Thee"!

Lisa: But Mr. Largo, that's what my country's all about!

Mr. Largo: What?

Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The idle farmer whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner coughing—

Mr. Largo: Aw, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week!

Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

(dreaming after the wrestling tournament became a horrible nightmare)

Homer: [screams]

Marge: Homer, wake up. Isn't that horrible buddy dream? Instead I hope when you I did once.

Homer: That's okay Marge, I noticed became a bad dream.

Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]

Marge: Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.

Bart: Did you check the den?

Homer: The den! Great idea!

[Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart]

Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.

Homer: You know where my keys are?

Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]

Homer: GRRRRH!

Bart: Did you check the rumpus room?

Homer: Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?

Lisa: Oh, Dad?

[Lisa points. The keys are still in the door lock]

Homer: D'oh!

The Call of the Simpsons[edit]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods.]

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]

Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

(Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back.)

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?

Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.

Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range. I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.

Bob: Take it easy there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.

(Bob the RV salesman shows the Simpson family the "Ultimate Behemoth". While the kids and Homer are impressed, Marge is concerned about the cost of the RV. She knows they can't afford it and is ignored every time she asks for the price on it.)

Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?

Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite. The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.

Bart: Whoa, man!

Marge: I'm not sure that we can afford-

Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?

Bob: It has four of them-one for each part of the chicken.

The Telltale Head[edit]

[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue.]

Chief Wiggum: [clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."

[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater.]

Jimbo: Hey, hot dog.

Bart: What? [crashes into a lamp post]

Jimbo: Nice dismount, man.

[He and his friends laugh.]

Bart: Didn't hurt.

Kearney: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!

Bart: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.

Life on the Fast Lane[edit]

[Marge accidentally throws her bowling ball into the adjacent lane, which happens to be Jacques' lane.]

Marge: I'm-I'm awfully sorry.

Jacques: Entirely my fault. It is nice to meet you, [picks up Marge's ball and looks at it] Homer.

Marge: Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge.

Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.

Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, [looks at Jacques' bowling ball] Brunswick.

Jacques: Call me Jacques.

Marge: Jacques.

Jacques: Marge.

Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.

Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.

[Everyone is surprised except Patty and Selma who knew that Homer has been thoughtless as usual and that gift offends Marge. This time, it's a bowling ball that collapsed on her birthday cake.]

Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off.

[Homer is looking at the ball, while Marge is furious with him for getting her another thoughtless gift.]

Homer: Beauty, isn't she?

Marge: Homer, it's hard for me to judge... (furious) since I never bowled in my life!

Homer: Well, if you don't want it, I know someone who does.

[A furious Marge huffs out a surviving candle, extremely furious with Homer once again for ruining her birthday.]

[Bart finally realizes what Lisa is saying is true about their parents' estrangement from each other. He seeks out her help.]

Bart: Lisa, Lisa, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very, very wrong here.

Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three, Fear.

Bart:[urgently] Well, come on! We've got to do something, man!

Lisa: Sorry, Bart, I would love to help you, but I am mired in stage five, self-pity.

Homer's Night Out[edit]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months.]

Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?! I'm a whale! Why are all the good things so tasty? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!

[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]

Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer: Good idea, Marge.

[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town.]

Homer: One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.

Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?

Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles]

[Apu hands Homer his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off.]

Homer: Oh. Liberty Bell.

[Homer scratches some more and gasps.]

Homer: Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please!

[Homer scratches to reveal a plum.]

Homer: D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?

The Crepes of Wrath[edit]

[Principal Skinner offers a solution to Bart's problems at school.]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer: Okay, Skinner, how do we know that some headmaster in France is not pulling the same scam on us?

Skinner: Well for one thing, you will not be getting a French boy. You would be hosting an Albanian.

Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?

[Adil and Lisa debate at the dinner table.]

Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?

Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!

Adil: Can not.

Lisa: Can too.

Adil: Can not!

Lisa: Can too!

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Krusty Gets Busted[edit]

[Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise]

Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.

[Disguised as Krusty, Sideshow Bob makes his way to the register as Apu and Homer talk.]

Apu: What is the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream!

Homer: The reason I look unhappy is 'cause tonight I have to see a slideshow starring my wife's sisters! Or as I call them, "The Gruesome Twosome!"

[Homer and Apu chuckle. As Homer turns and leaves, he accidentally steps on "Krusty's" foot.]

Sideshow Bob: (disguised as Krusty) OW, my foot! You lousy, stupid, clumsy...!

Homer: Sorry, pal...

[Homer screams in horror when he spots "Krusty" holding a handgun and dives head first into a potato chip display]

Sideshow Bob: (pointing gun at Apu) Hand over all your money in a paper bag!

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery! I do work in a convenience store, you know!

[He hands over paper bag contained with money after which "Krusty" flees.]

Apu: You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

[Homer sighs in relief.]

[on the surveillance tape during the breaking news]

Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.

[He laughs with Apu.]

Marge: [embarrassed] Oh Homer.

Patty: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it, but... I need your help.

Lisa: You do? Why?

Bart: Oh, come on, you know why.

Lisa: No, why?

Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.

Lisa: [smug chuckle]

Bart: [holds out his hand] So, you with me?

Lisa: [slaps it] Yeah, man!

Judge: You have been charged with armed robbery. How do you plead?

Krusty: I plead guilty, Your Honor!

Courtroom gasps. Defense attorney, obviously irked, whispers to Krusty

Krusty: Oops, I mean to say I plead not guilty. Opening night jitters, heh, heh!

Prosecutor: I would like to point out how Exhibit B has been a motive behind the robbery. Krusty, do you recognize Exhibit B?

Krusty: What is that?

Prosecutor: Exhibit B. Look at the one marked "B".

[Krusty looks dumbfounded]

Prosecutor: What's the matter, can't you read?

Krusty: (sobbing) No! I can't read or write! I admit it! I'm totally illiterate! Now are you happy?!

[Courtroom reacts with shock.]

Prosecutor: Could it be the champion of children's literacy programs can't even read himself?

Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to be illiterate?

Prosecutor: All right, all right. Okay, Krusty, this is a "B", and this is Exhibit B... betting slips! Indicating to this court that you have lost substantial amounts of money on sports gambling!

Krusty: (sobbing) Is it a crime to gamble on sporting events?

Prosecutor: Yes, it is!

Krusty: Oh.

[The words "big shoes to fill" start echoing in Bart's mind, droning out Bob's talking and he starts to catch onto something that others hadn't before. Recalling with memory, Bart remembers Homer stepped on the robber's foot, resulting in him screaming in pain. However, Bart noticed Krusty's feet were small as he walked up the steps to the courthouse. He knows that despite wearing big floppy clown shoes all the time, Krusty would never felt Homer stepping on them due to his small feet. Whereas, Sideshow Bob's feet are unbelievably large and therefore he yelled at Homer for not watching where he was going. That's when it all comes together and Bart realized that Bob had the most to gain in Krusty's downfall.]

Bart: [Outraged] Wait a minute, you did it!

Sideshow Bob: I beg your pardon?

Bart: [grabbing the microphone away from Bob and faces the camera.] Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him and I got proof!

[He hits the end of Sideshow Bob's foot with a comedy mallet.]

Sideshow Bob: [grabbing his foot, while Bart holds the microphone on Bob] OW, MY FOOT! YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!

[The kids gasp as they hear the words uttered on the security cam.]

Bart: See that? Krusty wore big floppy shoes all the time, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.

[Hits Sideshow Bob's other foot, causing him to fall down]

Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!

[Bart removes Sideshow Bob's shoe to reveal his big feet and the children turns against him for what he did to Krusty. At the police station, Eddie and Lou are watching the show and eating donuts.]

Eddie: Kid's right.

Lou: How do you suppose we missed that?

Chief Wiggum: [also eating a donut] Get off your duffs, boys! Get down to that studio!

Sideshow Bob: [in handcuffs] Yes, I admit it. I hated him! His hackneyed shennanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!

Bart: Take him away, boys.

Sideshow Bob: [being carted off to jail] Treat kids like equals, they're people too. They're smarter than what you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

(Homer is brought down to the police station to identify Krusty the Clown in a lineup.)

Chief Wiggum: Ready, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: Yes, sir.

Chief Wiggum: Send in the clowns!

(A lineup of five clowns enters the opposite room and stands against the wall as Homer chuckles at the sight.)

Chief Wiggum: So, Simpson, which one is it?

Homer: (giggles and laughs) Well, if the crime is making me laugh, they're all guilty! (Laughs)

Chief Wiggum: (impatiently) No, no! Which one is the robber?

Homer: Oh, definitely number-(slow wheezing laugh)

Chief Wiggum: Simpson.

(Homer continues to chuckle.)

Chief Wiggum: Simpson!

Homer: (quickly) Four.

Some Enchanted Evening[edit]

[Marge dials the babysitting service. At the Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service, there are three older women, including Ms. Botz.]

Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.

Marge: This is Marge Simpson. I'd like a babysitter for the evening.

Receptionist: Wait a minute. The Simpsons?

[Looks over at a bulletin board with Bart, Lisa and Maggie's faces on it, warning their employees not to babysit them due to their countless misbehavior.]

Receptionist: Lady, you've got to be kidding!

[Receptionist slams the phone, continues writing, phone rings seconds later.]

Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggie Bumper Babysitting Service.

Homer: Hello, this is Mr. Samson.

Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?

Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.

Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons, what a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father!

Homer: [angrily] D'oh! [trying to keep calm] Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours and we found them to be a quite misunderstood and underrated family.

Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!

Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor?

Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: Hello, is Al there?

Moe: Al?

Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.

Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?

[bar denizens laugh]

Moe: Wait a minute... [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

[Bart and Lisa laugh]

Bart Gets an F[edit]

Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Blablahblblah blahblahblablahblah?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Blahblah blahblablablahBLABLAH..?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: BART! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?

Bart: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel: Well then, what did I say?

Bart: Uuhhhh... "Straighten up and fly right?"

Mrs. Krabappel: Ptch—that was a lucky guess!

Otto: Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!

Bart: Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?

Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!

Bart: [to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street.

[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]

Terri: Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!

Sherri: And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.

Terri: He's pathetic!

Bart: Good morning, girls!

Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.

Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.

Bart: And where'd they land?

Terri: Sunny Acapulco.

Bart: And why'd they leave England?

Sherri: Giant rats.

Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]

Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.

Bart: Meaning...

Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.

Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

Simpson and Delilah[edit]

Karl: You don't belong here.

Homer: Huh?

Karl: YOU don't belong here. You're a fraud, and a phoney, and it's only a matter of time till they found you out.

Homer: [gasp!] Who told you?

Karl: You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the.. the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester. [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.

Homer: I— I—

Karl: Trust me, Homer!

Homer: I...

Karl: Take a step and say it!

Homer: I.. deserve this.

Karl: Louder!

Homer: I DESERVE THIS!

Karl: SHOUT IT!

Homer: I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!

Karl: I'll need three weeks vacation in moving expenses.

Homer: YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!

[Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.]

Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.

Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.

Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter?

[He points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair.]

Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!

Smithers:[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

Treehouse of Horror[edit]

Narrator: Quoth the raven-

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart: Okay, okay.

Marge: I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!

Homer: Don't be so stubborn! We're not saving a few dollars, we're saving a few thousand dollars!

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish[edit]

[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, journalist Dave Shutton approaches them.]

Dave Shutton: So, caught anything?

Lisa: Not yet, sir.

Dave Shutton: What are you using for bait?

Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

Dave Shutton: I see. What's your name, son?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Dave Shutton: [chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!

Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Dancin' Homer[edit]

Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?

Homer: Oh, Barney.

Moe: C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.

Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.

Bart: Hey, Dad, look! You're on Gumbo Vision!

Homer: WOW! [stands, waving to crowds] Hey, everybody! [Bart does 2 fingers behind Homer's head] How ya doin'? [blocks Bart's face] Look at me! I'm Homer Simpson! [laughs]

[Gumbo Vision lowers down to Homer's pants, audience laughs hysterically at Homer's unzipped zipper.]

Marge: Homer. Homer! XYZ.

Homer: Examine my zipper? Why? [looks down] Whoops! [turns quickly, zips pants up, Lisa covers her eyes in embarrassment, Homer laughs, waving arm at screen] Thanks, everybody!

Dead Putting Society[edit]

Homer: All right, knock it off!

Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt...

Ned: [gasps]

Homer: ...is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand.

Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

Homer wolfs down nachos that Maude prepared

Homer: One for the road!

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes: I believe in you.

Bart: Thanks, man.

Bart vs. Thanksgiving[edit]

[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]

Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!

Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!

Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! [throws pillow and Bart off herself] This is family glue!

Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it.

Bart: Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Lisa: [hands Bart glue] Here.

Bart: Hey, man, I don't want your stupid glue. [throws bottle of glue away next to Maggie's bottle, both bottles look alike, Maggie is about to suck the glue bottle, Lisa quickly walks away with glue]

[Homer tries to light a log on fire and isn't successful.]

Grampa: That's no way to light a fire! Where's your kindling?

Homer: This thing's going to be roaring anytime now.

Selma: Even a caveman can start a fire.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Okay Lisa. We're ready for your centerpiece. [Lisa heads to the dining room with the centerpiece] Oh, Lisa my goodness, that's very impressive.

Homer: Holy moly. That's the biggest... one of those I ever saw!

Patty: Mmm, I always said she was gifted.

Selma: Definitely from our side of the family, right mom?

Jacqueline: Leave me alone.

Selma: How long did that take you, honey?

Lisa: I couldn't tell you how many hours. It was a labor of love, it's my homage to some American heroes who may not have fought in any wars, but who nevertheless-

Bart: [interrupts Lisa and walks in humming with the turkey]

Homer: Speaking of heroes, here's mine, Tom turkey [holds up the cutlery and laughs]

Bart: Oh yikes! What is that?

Lisa: It's the centerpiece, Bart.

Bart: [attempts to move the centerpiece] Well, it's taking up valuable real estate.

Lisa: Hey Bart, stop it!

Bart: Move it or lose it Toots!

Lisa: Mom!

Marge: Now just a minute, I'm sure there's room for both.

[Bart grabs the centerpiece and Lisa also grabs it tries to take it out of his hands]

Lisa: Bart you're wrecking it! Let go! I worked forever on this! [The two continuously fight over the centerpiece]

Grandpa: Ooh [The centerpiece falls in the fireplace and burns, Lisa screams] Hey, that got her going.

Bart: Bitchin' [Lisa attempts to save the centerpiece but is has been reduced to ash]

Lisa: BART! [Bart and Lisa begin fighting causing the table to shake and spilling food and beverages over, Marge and Homer grab the fighting siblings and when Marge lets Lisa go, Lisa runs upstairs crying and slams the door]

Homer: [Lets Bart go] All right Bart THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!

Bart: Okay, I'll take some white meat and stuffing to go and sent and send up the pumpkin pie in about 20 minutes.

Homer: I SAID NOW!

Bart: Mom, do I have to?

Marge: Yes you do! I hope you're happy Bart! YOU'VE RUINED THANKSGIVING!

Lisa: Bart, why did you burn my centerpiece?

Bart: Oh, come on.

Lisa: Is it because you hate me or is it because you're bad?

Bart: I don't know! I don't know why I did it; I don't know why I enjoyed it; and I don't know why I'll do it again!

Lisa: Just tell me you're sorry!

Bart: Why should I?!

Lisa: Bart, the only reason to apologize is if you look deep down inside yourself and you find a spot, something you wish wasn't there, because you feel bad you hurt your sister's feelings.

Bart: Leave me alone.

Lisa: Just look!

Bart: Ok, ok. Mmmhhuummmhmmmm. Lookin' for the spot. Nananana, still checking. This is so stupid, I'm not gonna find anything. Just 'cause I wrecked something she worked really hard on and I made her cr...uh-oh. [[puts hand on Lisa's shoulder] I'm sorry, Lisa.

Lisa: Apology accepted. [She kisses his cheek]

[Camera pans down at Homer who's in the bathroom listening]

Homer: You know, Marge, we're great parents.

Kitchen. Simpson family is in pajamas sitting down to a late-night dinner of leftovers. Clock reads 11:35.

Homer: Dear Lord, we thank You for giving this family one last crack at togetherness.

Simpson Family{in unison}: Amen.

Simpsons eat leftovers

Bart the Daredevil[edit]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would ever find it.

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart: What?

Otto: Cool!

[Bart and Milhouse are at the Simpson house watching tv.]

Milhouse: Hey, that's my seat.

Bart: Correction, was your seat.

[Cut to Moe's Tavern]

Barney: But I only got up to go the the can!

Homer: Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge[edit]

Marge: This is the kind of entertainment they think is suitable for younger and more impressionable viewers?!

Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, but what are ya gonna go?

Marge: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to write a letter!

[Marge writes down letter]

Marge: "Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way.

[at Itchy & Scratchy Intl.]

Marge: "Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson."

Roger Meyers, Jr.: Take a letter, Ms. White. "Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research indicates that one person cannot make a difference... no matter how big a screwball she is. So let me close by saying..."

Marge: [reading the letter out loud] "And the horse I rode in on"!? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

At Meyers Studios

Roger Meyers, Jr.: {dictating from random letter} I don't believe this. 'I will never watch your show, buy any of your products, or brake if I see you crossing the street.' Wow, that's cold. 'Dear sleaze merchant.' Aw, common, that hurts. Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.

[Outside the studio are a convoy of mail trucks delivering bag loads of hate mail.]

Homer: I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad.

Bart: After dinner, can I watch cartoons?

Marge: No!

Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler!

Lisa: There's peas everywhere!

Bart: Well, ahh... I guess I'll just go and go watch some cartoons...

Marge: No! I'm sorry about the dinners. I'll make up for it tomorrow night.

Bart: Hey, who's up for some cartoons?

Marge: NO-ONE!

Bart: All right!

Homer: Hey, tomorrow night, how about baking some of your patented pork chops?

Marge: Ooh, sure! Oh dear, I can't... I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.

Homer: D'OH! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

Kent Brockman: Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment in all of this?

Marvin Monroe: Uh... well, Kent... to me, the hijinks of a few cartoon characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm-I'm referring it to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.

Kent Brockman: So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?

Marvin Monroe: No, not at all. In fact... one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of butter popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy and... laugh myself silly. And the hell is wrong with that?

Brockman: [referring Michelangelo's David] Is it a masterpiece, or just some guy with his pants down? That's our topic tonight on Smartline. Now, Mrs. Simpson, why are you against this statue?

Marge: I'm not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.

Brockman: W-wait a minute... aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?

Marge: Hmm... yes and no.

Monroe: [live via satellite in Athens, Greece] Hold it, hold it, hold it! How can you be, for one form, on freedom of expression like ou-our big naked friend over there, a-and be against another form, like, um... Itchy & Scratchy?!

Marge: Hmm...

Brockman: Good question.

Marge: Well, I guess I can't. Which is a shame because I really hate those cartoons.

Monroe: Oh yeah?! Well, what do you have to say that all those Marge Simpson wannabes out there who wish to suppress David's doodle!?

Marge: Hmm... I don't know. I guess one person can make a difference, but most of the time, they probably shouldn't.

Museum. Homer and Marge see Michelangelo's sculpture

Homer: So there it is, Michelangelo's Dave.

Marge: David pronounces it properly as Da-Veed

Homer: Oh, right.

Marge makes her signature annoyed nag

Homer: What's wrong.

Marge: I just cannot get over the fact the kids could be admiring one of the world's masterpieces and instead they are home watching some cat and mouse do cut-ups.

Homer: Don't worry Marge. Soon enough the kids will see it, along with all the kids of Springfield Elementary School?

Marge: How so?

Homer: They'll be forcing them to!

Bart Gets Hit by a Car[edit]

Homer: He's awake!

Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.

Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. [to Lionel Hutz] You, I've never seen before.

Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer: Ooh, classy.

Judge Snyder: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you, son?

Bart: Maybe.

Judge Snyder: Uh-huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?

Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No!

Bart: No.

Judge Snyder: OK, go ahead.

Bart: It was a day like any other. I was out enjoying the nice day when there it was...

Bart's vision includes a demonic Burns

Smithers: Innocent child at 3 o'clock.

Burns: Excellent. Luxury Car of Death, attack!

Burns' car uses its head ornament like a scope, running over Bart. Returns to reality

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Young man, are you dead?

Bart: No, but there are days...I wish I were!

Bart's fraudulent testimony has moved the audience to tears. All except Marge and Lisa, who are angry at him for lying, and angrier at Homer and Lionel Hutz for encouraging perjury

Mr. Burns' fraudulent testimony. It is imagined to the tune of Tiajuana Taxi showing him driving a VW Beetle painted with flowers

Mr. Burns: {as narrator} While on my way to distribute toys to the local orphanage, that incorrigible Simpson youngster darted out in front of me.

Mr. Burns stops car and holds an unconscious Bart

Mr. Burns: Oh no, how could this be, God? An innocent child? Take me, I am old!

[After the first day in trial, Mr. Burns is clearly upset with his lawyers.]

Mr. Burns: THEY HATE ME! WHAT TRIAL WERE YOU WATCHING?!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Maybe a settlement.

Mr. Burns: [furious] Oh, yes, SETTLEMENT, FINE! Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, under-brained glorified notary publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll pile off with a banana or two!

[Homer is infuriated when he hears Mr. Burns insults him in another room.]

[While spying on Homer and Marge in the next room, Burns almost feels like he's having a panic attack when he hears Homer abrasively refusing his settlement.]

Homer: I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot. The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million. $500,000, I spit at his $500,000.

[Homer attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. While he tries to clean off the chair, Marge finally loses her patience with Homer's behavior and voices her opinion in wanting to accept the money.]

Marge: Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!

Mr. Burns: [realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!

Marge: Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

Mr. Burns: [reappearing on the scene with Smithers] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Smithers, release the hounds!

[At the trial the next day, everyone is shocked when Mr. Burns' lawyer calls Marge to the witness stand.]

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.

Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer: [cringes] D'oh, the truth.

[Mr. Burns's Lawyer walks up to an unprepared Marge.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Marge: Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to tempitigo all with competence, love and care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him?

[Marge becomes nervous and hesitant, which makes Mr. Burns' lawyer very impatient with her. Hutz looks concerned as everyone else peers behind him in suspicion after hearing Marge's testimony discrediting his claims of Dr. Riviera being the Simpsons's family physician by admitting to having Dr. Hibbert being their family physician.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson!

Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Homer: Will that hold up in court?

Hutz: [glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mrs. Simpson, what is your opinion on Dr. Riviera?! And let me remind you that you're under oath!

Marge: [On Dr. Riviera] Well, to be honest, he seemed to be more concerned in wrapping Bart in bandages than making him feel better and he mispronounced words that even I know, like abdomen. And his office was dirty. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that he's even a doctor.

[Homer feels betrayed by Marge's testimony, while Lisa who is holding Maggie, is proud of her for doing the right thing.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: And Mrs. Simpson, can you describe to us in your own words, Bart's intense mental anguish and suffering.

[Bart smiles, but Marge continues telling the truth.]

Marge: Well, I don't know how intense it was, but I guess he missed three days of school.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Oh three days.

Marge: Although he doesn't like school all that much, so that doesn't count as anguish.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: No, it doesn't, Mrs. Simpson.

Marge: But it was a little hard on me having him around the house all the time.

[Bart frowns at Marge, also feeling betrayed by her for testifying against both Hutz and Homer.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Could you put a dollar amount on all these hardships?

Marge: Well, we pay Bart $5 a week to take out the trash. I suppose if he'd been able to do it, we might have given him the $5.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: $5?! But your lawyer, assuming he is a lawyer, is asking for a million! Well, I guess we can't blame him for trying, can we? Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.

[Homer and Hutz are downbeat, while Mr. Burns chuckles in delight after hearing that Marge's honest testimony has destroyed their feeble attempt.]

Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.

[He draws a giant zero on a paper and hands it to Homer and Hutz.]

Hutz:(realizes that he and Homer both lost the case) I think we should take it.

[Homer shudders in defeat and dejection.]

Simpson residence. A downbeat Homer blames Marge for testifying against Hutz's case and costing him a million dollars

Homer's Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.

Marge: Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese?

Homer's Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.

Homer: No, thank you.

Marge: Some string beans?

Homer's Brain: No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing—Uh-oh. Better answer.

Homer: No, thank you.

Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?

Homer's Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.

Homer: No, thank you.

Bart: You know, think of all the things we could have bought with that cool million.

Marge: Bart, please.

Homer excuses himself and proceeds to Moe's Tavern

Moe: Aah, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're born to the day they die they think they're happy, but trust me...they ain't.

Homer's Brain: Moe. Wish he'd shut up.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish[edit]

Master Chef: (hearing car horn) Ah, she's here. (to Toshiro) Cover for me.

(He leaves just as Akira enters)

Akira: One Fugu.

Toshiro: (gasps) No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's... it's...

Akira: Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal. But if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.

Toshiro: Uh... I must get Master.

(Toshiro heads out to the parking lot, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside)

Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair smells so... clean...

Toshiro: Master, you are needed in the kitchen.

Master Chef: (angrily) I said cover for me, damn it!

Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!

Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy! You do it!

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.

Homer: [furiously] Why you little...! [shouts madly]

Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.

Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!

Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.

Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.

Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.

Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar erupts in laughter at Moe] Wait a minute...Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! If I get my hands on you, I am gonna pull out your eye balls with a cork screw!

[Bart and Lisa laugh.]

After one last night of lovemaking with Marge, Homer goes downstairs. He listens to the Bible on tape until he slumps in the armchair seemingly lifeless. The following morning Marge awakens

Marge: {shocked that she is alone in bed} Homer? Homer!

Marge goes downstairs and finds Homer in the armchair, thinking he has expired

Marge: Oh, Homer.

Marge looks closer at Homer and sees he is drooling

Marge: Wait a minute...drool...and it is warm...Homer, wake up!

Homer: {groggy} Huh? Marge, I died.

Marge: No Homer, you are alive!

Homer: You are right, I am alive. Woo hoo! From this day forward, I vow to live life to the fullest!

End credits are shown as Homer is back on the couch shlumpily eating pork rinds and watching bowling on TV

The Way We Was[edit]

Critic: Our next movie is "McBain", another shoot-em-up, push-em-through-the-plate-glass-window splatterfest from the Hollywood cookie cutter. Here's a typically brainless scene.

[show scene]

Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in the state, McBain. And yet, you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of three of his bodyguards and drove a bus to his front door!?

McBain: But captain, I have proof that he's head of an international drug cartel!

Captain: I don't wanna hear it, McBain! You're outta here!

[McBain punches the captain out of the window and plummets into the fountain]

McBain: That makes two of us.

[The TV's image gets shaky during a movie review show]

Bart and Lisa: [in unison] AUGH!

Homer: Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.

[Homer hits the TV, causing the shakiness to get worse]

Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Marge: You know, before we got married, we hardly ever watch television.

Bart: You lie!

Homer: BART!

Marge: No, it's true, Bart. We used to shoot pool, and go dancing...

Lisa: How romantic!

Marge: In a lot of times, we'd stay at home and talk, just like this.

Bart: I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.

Lisa: So hard to picture you two then. Hand in hand at the crossroads of life — there's so many questions.

Marge: Pick one.

Lisa: Okay. Uhh... How did Dad propose to you?

Marge: Oh.. well...

[Flashback to 1980; Homer and Marge are in Dr. Hibbert's office]

Dr. Hibbert: Well, Miss Bouvier... I think we found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations.

Homer: D'oh!

[Returns to the present]

Marge: Lisa, I'd rather a different story how your father and I first met and fell in love.

[Principal Dondalinger catches Homer and Barney smoking in the bathroom]

Dondalinger: Well, well, well. If it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble, Springfield's answer to Cheech and Chong. Allow me, gentlemen. [grabs their cigarettes and tosses them in the toilet] You just bought yourselves three days of detention. You know where and when.

Homer and Barney: [in unison] Three o'clock, old building, room 106.

Artie: Our current speed limit is an anachronism.

Homer: [reading] "Ignoramus."

Artie: The fatuity— Will you shut up!?

Homer: Wait a minute! That word you keep calling me!?

Artie: "Ignoramus?"

Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!?

Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.

Homer: Not to me, there isn't, you..!

[After a brief exchange, the teacher, Mrs. Blumenstein calms Homer down]

Mrs. Blumenstein: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?

Homer: With pleasure.

[Homer turns around and moons the class; the class gasp in response. Cut to present]

Bart: Ay carumba!

Marge: Why so glum?

Homer: [sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you, and kiss you, and then I'll never be able to let you go.

[back to present]

Homer: And I never have.

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment[edit]

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]

Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart: Hell.

Homer: BART!

Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell, now can I?

Homer: Kid's got a point, Marge.

Bart: Hell yes!

Marge: Bart.

Bart: [sings] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

Principal Charming[edit]

Hans: [reading the eye chart] F, L... oh no, I'm sorry, that's a C, isn't it?

[Patty stamps his driver's license, which reads 'Ralph Melish', VOID]

Patty: If that was an oncoming vehicle you'd be dead now. Next!

Hans: But... driving is my livelihood!

Patty: Ehh, take it like a man.

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?

Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.

Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

[Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.]

Bart: Hello? Is Homer there?

Moe: Homer who?

Bart: Homer… [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] …Sexual.

Moe: Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.

[The entire bar, including Homer laughs at Moe.]

Homer: Don't look at me!

Moe: Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!

Skinner: Bart, I am flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field that you would be caught.

Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.

Skinner: THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!

Bart: Uh-oh.

Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce to my wife's lovely—and available—sister, Selma.

Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty!

Homer: WHAT!?

Skinner: Pat... ty...

Homer: D'oh! Wrong one!

[Skinner is immediately smitten by Patty.]

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?[edit]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.

Homer: What is it, Dad?

Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.

Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

[The family says farewell to Herb.]

Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.

Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe?! Why, you spongehead! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!

[Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.]

Marge: [consoles Homer] Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.

Lisa: [Agreeing with Herb and laments on his status] His life was an unbridled success, until he found out...he was a Simpson.

Herb: Have you come up with a name for our new economy model?

Executive 1: You're gonna love this, chief. The... Persephone.

Herb: Persephone? What the hell kinda name is "Persephone"?!

Executive 2: She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth.

Herb: D'oh...!

Executive 3: Lemme get this, sir. She was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld. While there, she ate six pomegranates—

Herb: People want cars with names like Jaguar, Mustang, Wildcat, names that convey power. People do not want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!

Lisa: A long lost half-brother, how Dickensian!

Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?

Homer: BART!

Bart: His parents aren't married are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?

Homer: I guess he's got us there.

Marge: Hrrrmmm...

Bart: Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard!

Marge: BART!

Powell Motors. Herb takes Homer to a showroom displaying all his vehicles

Herb: Take your pick.

Homer: For me? Could that get expensive?

Herb: Ha ha ha! There is probably a maximum of forty dollars worth of steel in any of these! Just name a car Homer and it is yours.

Homer: I do not like any of them.

Herb: Why not?

Homer: They do not look flashy.

Executive #1: Sir, Americans do not like flashy cars. That went out in the 1950s.

Homer: And they don't look like they can tear up the road.

Executive #2: Sir, Americans want cars with good fuel mileage, not burners.

Herb: Americans do not want that? Homer, tell the man what country you are from.

Homer: America.

Herb: You hear that you buffoons? America! That is precisely why we are losing ground. You are not giving customers what they want, you are telling them what they want! Homer, I want you to design my next car. For Homer Simpson and all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year.

Homer: And I want you to let me!

While Homer is working on the car design, Herb is spending time with Marge and the kids, becoming more of a family man like Homer

Lisa: I want to go on a pony ride.

Bart: Yeah, well I want to go on a boat ride.

Lisa: Pony ride!

Bart: Boat ride!

Lisa: Pony ride!

Bart: Boat ride!

Scene cuts to Lisa riding a pony, then pans out to Bart looking through a spyglass, showing Lisa is riding a pony around the deck of a schooner

Bart: Ahoy!

Also on board are Marge and Herb

Herb: Kids are so easy to please.

Marge: Herb, please do not think I am ungrateful for what you have done for us, but I am just concern we may be spoiling the kids.

[Abe comes to Michigan to meet with Herb until he discovers too late what Homer did.]

Abe:[berating Homer] D'oh, I knew you'd blow it!

Bart's Dog Gets an F[edit]

Homer: [answers phone] Yello?

Ms. Winfield: Simpson, this is Sylvia Winfield. That canine of yours is in my pool again! I'm calling the dog warden right now!

Homer: Oh, are you?! Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, you old battle-axe! Because my dog is tied up in the backyard!

Ms. Winfield: There's only one family on this block — no, on Earth — inconsiderable enough to let a monster like that roam free!

Homer: [grunts] Are you losing your hearing or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is NOT my dog! I TIED MY DOG OUTSIDE MYSELF! [looks at backyard] I AM LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT—D'OH!

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Ms. Winthrop: Ladies and gentlemen, most of you already know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. [suddenly stern] STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life - "choke chain!" [places the chain around Santa's Little Helper's neck] You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! [beat] ...Followed by immediate correction. [she tugs the chain. Santa's Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground]

Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?

Ms. Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.

Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?

Ms. Winthrop: [laughs] You don't know how often I'm asked that! "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

[in Emily Winthrop's office]

Bart: Ms. Winthrop, I was thinking.

[Ms. Winthrop motions Bart to be seated, with Santa's Little Helper jumps onto him]

Bart: Ah! Unh!

Ms. Winthrop: Tut-tut-tut, oh dear.

Bart: Uh, since you get paid either way, would it a big deal to just... let my dog pass?

Ms. Winthrop: I see. Rubber stamp on it, thank you very much, next in line! Is that it?

Bart: Yeah!

Ms. Winthrop: Heavens to Murgatroyd..! Bart, perhaps I hang on to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe as the traditions I was winged on are put to sleep or neutered, one by one. [beat] But my time has not passed yet! The world does not need another college graduate who doesn't know how to sit!

Bart: He'll sit! He'll sit! Come on, boy. Sit. Sit! [in Santa's vision] Blah blah! Blah blah!

Ms. Winthrop: Pull the chain!

Bart: Huh?

Ms. Winthrop: Correct the dog!

Bart: I don't wanna strangle my dog.

Ms. Winthrop: PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!

[Bart fiercely thrusts Santa's choke chain, yelping from the chains on his neck, whimpers]

Bart: [consoles him] I'm sorry, boy. I can't help being dumb.

Old Money[edit]

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.

Homer: [Gasp] My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?

Bart: Well...

Homer: Aaah!

[At Bea's funeral]

Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am dad.

Grandpa: [sarcastically] Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything!

Homer: Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing!

Grandpa: [angrily] No you idiot! I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last precious moment of Bea's life! I'll never speak to you again! [tears off his coat in anger and sadness] I HAVE NO SON! [Homer is saddened by this]

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I, you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

Brush with Greatness[edit]

Mr. Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea.]

Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[Somewhere in Liverpool.]

Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.

Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.

Ringo: Just set it over there.

Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.

Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

Lisa's Substitute[edit]

Mr. Bergstrom: [reading Charlotte's Web] "Nobody of the hundreds of people that visited the fair knew that a grey spider had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

Bart: And here's comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.

All: EWWW!

Bart: We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.

All: EWWWW!

Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!

Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!

Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in!

All: AAAHHHHHH!

Lisa: I'm glad I'm not crying. Because I would hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion. But YOU, sir, are a baboon!

Homer: (gasp!) Me?

Lisa: Yes, you! BABOON, BABOON, BABOON, BABOON!

Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...

Lisa: BABOOOONNN! [leaves in tears]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?

Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad-

Lisa: Not mine.

Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish-

Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer: What are you so mopey about?!

Lisa: Nothing.

Marge: Lisa, tell your father.

Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left today.

Homer: [uninterested] Oh?

Lisa: He's gone. Forever.

Homer: And?

Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.

Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

The War of the Simpsons[edit]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge: Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if".

(Homer is explaining to Bart in his room about his drunken behavior)

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.

Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

(after the party, as Marge is prying a drunk Homer off the floor)

Marge: (angrily) I have never been so embarrassed in all my life!

Homer: (half-drunkenly) Why, what'd ya do?

Three Men and a Comic Book[edit]

Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. [opens a metal suitcase] Behold!

Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!

Comic Book Guy: None other!

Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...

Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.

Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.

Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!

Bart: Me? [Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years] Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.

Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?

Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we ever–

Homer: Bart! Stop it!

Bart: Sorry. ["To everything, turn..."]

Bart, sick of going nowhere with selling lemonade, steals Homer's beer and sells it, attracting drunks

Barney: Hey Bart, I'm a little hard up. Give some credit to your pal?

Bart: Beat it, cash only.

Officer Eddie: What have we here?

Bart: Beer for a nickel!

Officer Lou: Did you know you are not allowed to sell beer without a liquor license?

Officer Eddie: And you must be over 21 in order to qualify for a liquor license!

Bart: You know, Springfield's finest are not appreciated enough, so here is a couple for you gentlemen, on the house!

Officer Lou: I guess we can let this one slide.

Homer's car pulls into driveway

Bart: Wuh-oh.

Homer: Hey, what's all the – aagh! My beer! My beer! My beautiful beer!

Bart gets spanked and made to sit in corner for pilfering Homer's beer

Bart: [grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.

Homer: What's the problem, boy?

Bart: I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.

Homer: Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.

Bart: Really?

Homer: Nah.

Bart: Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.

Homer: [sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.

Bart: [as he stares at the Radioactive Man comic in the store window] Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.

Blood Feud[edit]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!

[sign lights up]

Sign: RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Crowd: Ooh!

Strong applause

Sign: MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.

Crowd: Oh.

Moderate applause

Sign: MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY.

Weak applause

Sign: CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.

Entire crowd stares in stunned silence, save for Carl, Homer and Lenny, who snicker at that sign

Homer: {chuckling} Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]

Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!

Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!

Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer: Amen to that!

[The family laughs] [1]

Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Post Office Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns... Uh, what's your first name?

Homer: ...I don't know.

Notes

Stark Raving Dad[edit]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?

Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer: D'oh...! Oh, okay.

Lisa: "Meditations on Turning Eight", by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died-"

Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.

Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.

Doctor: [shocked] You mean there really is a "Bart"? Good lord!

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington[edit]

Homer: Who would've guessed reading and writing would pay off?

Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!

Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?

Crowley: Um..."Important."

Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?

Crowley: "Very."

Homer: Miss, just one more qu...

Crowley: "Person."

Homer: Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?

When Flanders Failed[edit]

Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

Bart the Murderer[edit]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!

Bart: Don't have a cow!

Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Homer Defined[edit]

Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

[As the meltdown countdown nears zero]

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Like Father, Like Clown[edit]

Krusty: [voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.

Young Jewish Man: Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?

Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.

Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

[Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!

Treehouse of Horror II[edit]

[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot.]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.

Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!

Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! [removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head.] Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain back into his own head without anesthesia.]

Homer: Ow. Ow! OW!

Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke after all. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that! [Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him.]

Smithers: Run, sir!

[The robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head.]

Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite...Smithers, I'm going to die.

Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?

Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...

[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him.]

Homer: Aaaaaaaah!

Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it? [laughs evilly]

[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons music; looking like a canonical episode.]

Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons":

Lisa: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer: Mmm...spaghetti.

Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

Homer: D'oh! I hate having two heads!

Lisa's Pony[edit]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]

Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Saturdays of Thunder[edit]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.

Homer: That sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: All right, I will!

Flaming Moe's[edit]

[Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]

Steven Tyler: HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!

Joe Perry: Um, that's Springfield, Steven.

Tyler: Oh, yeah, right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?

Crowd: Yeaahhh!

Tyler: I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?

Crowd: YEEEAHHHHH!

Tyler: Hit it! [Band begins playing "Walk This Way"]

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.

Collette: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...

Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes—

Collette: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.

Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.

Collette: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.

Moe: Wha—?!

Collette: [stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.

Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk[edit]

Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.

Homer: I own stock!

Stockbroker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.

Horst: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

I Married Marge[edit]

[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]

Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.

Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.

Homer: [looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!

Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.

Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!

[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]

Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?

Patty: [pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!

Homer: Shut up!

Patty: [stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!

Homer: [furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!

Marge: Homer, does this mean... ?

Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician.

Dr. Hibbert: [horrified] Good God!

Radio Bart[edit]

[Sting leads a song for Timmy O'Toole]

Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,

For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...

Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...

Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!

All: And we're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: ALL THE WAY DOWN!

All: We're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: DOWN THAT WELL!

[Homer and Marge are on TV being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]

Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?

Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa the Greek[edit]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe.]

Homer: Hi, Moe. A beer... and A LOT OF BILLS!

Moe: [laughs] OK! [under breath] ... ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.

Homer: I used to hate the smell of your smelly feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.

Moe: Ah, shut up.

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield.]

Lisa: What about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer: Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.

Lisa: So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all! [starts crying and goes to room]

Marge: You're a very selfish man.

Bart: [plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times.] Once again, great present, Dad!

Homer Alone[edit]

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart: ...In your bed?

Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands.] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes! [sisters leave]

Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

[Bart screams]

[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV.]

Troy McClure: [standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...

Marge: Uh-huh.

McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [Exits the picture via a hang glider]

Marge: [picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Bart the Lover[edit]

[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table.]

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell, no.

[The rest of the Flanders all gasp.]

Maude: [annoyed] What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Alright, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!

[Todd runs upstairs crying.]

Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer.]

Homer: Aw, fudge! That's... broken. (steps on a nail) Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... but I'm going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!

[He starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse. Marge and Lisa arrives with a newly purchased doghouse for Santa's Little Helper from the money in the Swear Jar with an added bonus: Duff Beer for Homer for his commitment in withholding the use of profanity.]

Homer at the Bat[edit]

Barney Gumble: And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston.

Wade Boggs: Pitt The Elder.

Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!

Wade Boggs: [pokes Barney in the chest] PITT... THE... ELDER!

Barney: OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]

Moe: Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.

Barney: LORD PALMERSTON! [punches Moe out]

[While lamenting the loss of the other MLB players, Mr. Burns sees Don Mattingly, who has shaved off his "sideburns" (and most of the rest of his hair).]

Mr. Burns: [gasps and confronts him] Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team! FOR GOOD!

Don Mattingly: Fine. [mutters to himself as he walks away] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Separate Vocations[edit]

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.

Principal Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.

Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Principal Skinner: Let's move.

[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth.]

Principal Skinner: I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?

Lisa: Whaddya got?! [Skinner is aghast at her, horrified that she had become a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]

Dog of Death[edit]

Homer: [at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.

Mr. Burns: Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]

Homer: I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]

Mr. Burns: [acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.

Homer: I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.

Mr. Burns: What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

Mr. Burns: Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]

[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]

Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.

Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

Colonel Homer[edit]

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?

Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

[Lurleen records a new song]

Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,

When the coach called me up to the plate,

I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',

My average was point double oh eight.

So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,

And pointed right towards center field,

This time I'm hitting a home run,

This time, love is for real.

I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice

A lovin' fly for you,

I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,

I struck on a love that is true.

I used to play the field,

I used to be a roamer,

But the season's turning 'round for me now,

I finally bagged me a homer.

That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.

Studio Manager: Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]

Black Widower[edit]

[After Bob wins an Emmy.]

Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!

Krusty: Second banana!

Sideshow Bob: Panderer!

Krusty: Bore!

[Bob is restrained by prison guards.]

Selma: That MacGyver's a genius!

Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!

Selma: You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!

Sideshow Bob: No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!

Selma: NO! [runs out, sobbing]

The Otto Show[edit]

[Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left]

Patty: Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.

Patty: [drops green pen] I won't be needing this!

[Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice]

Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.

Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.

Landlord: Yeah, that was me.

Otto: You? But why?

Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.

Otto: Well... can I at least get my stuff?

Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.

Otto looks astonished

Otto: Wow! I have mustard?

Bart's Friend Falls in Love[edit]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]

Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?

Homer: The vernal equinox?

Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.

Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?[edit]

[At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.

[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]

Herb: [to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

[Homer opens the door.]

Homer: [surprised] Herb?

[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]

Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!

Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!

Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...

Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.

Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?

Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

Stark Raving Dad[edit]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?

Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer: D'oh...! Oh, okay.

Lisa: "Meditations on Turning Eight", by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died-"

Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.

Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.

Doctor: [shocked] You mean there really is a "Bart"? Good lord!

Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington[edit]

Homer: Who would've guessed reading and writing would pay off?

Faith Crowley: And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!

Homer: Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?

Crowley: Um..."Important."

Homer: Oh, okay. What about the "V"?

Crowley: "Very."

Homer: Miss, just one more qu...

Crowley: "Person."

Homer: Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?

When Flanders Failed[edit]

Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

Bart the Murderer[edit]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!

Bart: Don't have a cow!

Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Homer Defined[edit]

Kent Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

[As the meltdown countdown nears zero]

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns: [sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Like Father, Like Clown[edit]

Krusty: [voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.

Young Jewish Man: Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?

Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.

Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Krustofski: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Krustofski: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

[Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]

Lisa: Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!

Treehouse of Horror II[edit]

[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot.]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.

Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!

Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! [removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head.] Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain back into his own head without anesthesia.]

Homer: Ow. Ow! OW!

Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke after all. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that! [Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him.]

Smithers: Run, sir!

[The robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head.]

Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite...Smithers, I'm going to die.

Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?

Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...

[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him.]

Homer: Aaaaaaaah!

Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it? [laughs evilly]

[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons music; looking like a canonical episode.]

Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons":

Lisa: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer: Mmm...spaghetti.

Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

Homer: D'oh! I hate having two heads!

Lisa's Pony[edit]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]

Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Saturdays of Thunder[edit]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.

Homer: That sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: All right, I will!

Flaming Moe's[edit]

[Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]

Steven Tyler: HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!

Joe Perry: Um, that's Springfield, Steven.

Tyler: Oh, yeah, right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?

Crowd: Yeaahhh!

Tyler: I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?

Crowd: YEEEAHHHHH!

Tyler: Hit it! [Band begins playing "Walk This Way"]

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.

Collette: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...

Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes—

Collette: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.

Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.

Collette: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.

Moe: Wha—?!

Collette: [stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.

Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk[edit]

Stockbroker: Homer, it's your stockbroker. Your stock in the powerplant just went up for the first time in 10 years.

Homer: I own stock!

Stockbroker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain constitutional rights.

Horst: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

I Married Marge[edit]

[As Marge does some accounting, Homer enters with his latest purchase.]

Homer: Marge, look at this! A baby monitor! [into the monitor] Baby to Marge. Baby to Marge. Waa! Waa! Over.

Marge: Homer, I don't know how we can afford all these things on your salary.

Homer: [looks out the window and sees the Power Plant] Hey, why don't I apply at the Nuclear Power Plant. I hear they pay pretty well!

Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.

Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me!

[Homer runs into the delivery room after Marge has gone into labor.]

Homer: Marge! Marge, where's the baby?

Patty: [pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!

Homer: Shut up!

Patty: [stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!

Homer: [furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!

Marge: Homer, does this mean... ?

Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician.

Dr. Hibbert: [horrified] Good God!

Radio Bart[edit]

[Sting leads a song for Timmy O'Toole]

Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,

For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...

Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...

Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!

All: And we're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: ALL THE WAY DOWN!

All: We're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: DOWN THAT WELL!

[Homer and Marge are on TV being interviewed by Kent Brockman.]

Kent Brockman: So, it seems we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?

Brockman: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa the Greek[edit]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe.]

Homer: Hi, Moe. A beer... and A LOT OF BILLS!

Moe: [laughs] OK! [under breath] ... ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.

Homer: I used to hate the smell of your smelly feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.

Moe: Ah, shut up.

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt. Springfield.]

Lisa: What about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer: Don't worry, the new football season is only seven months away.

Lisa: So that's it. You just wanted me to help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all! [starts crying and goes to room]

Marge: You're a very selfish man.

Bart: [plays with a button that presses "Go to hell" three times.] Once again, great present, Dad!

Homer Alone[edit]

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart: ...In your bed?

Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands.] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes! [sisters leave]

Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

[Bart screams]

[Marge, having taken part in all the activities at Rancho Relaxo, watches the resort's infomercial on the TV.]

Troy McClure: [standing with a sunset in the background] By now, you've seen all Rancho Relaxo has to offer...

Marge: Uh-huh.

McClure: But remember: we can't tell you how to have a good time. You have to tell us! As I said to Dolores Montenegro in Calling All Quakers: Have it your way, baby! [Exits the picture via a hang glider]

Marge: [picks up phone] Hello, Room Service? I'd like a banana fudge sundae. With whipped cream! And some chocolate chip cheesecake. And a bottle of tequila!

Bart the Lover[edit]

[The Flanders family is sitting at the dinner table.]

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell, no.

[The rest of the Flanders all gasp.]

Maude: [annoyed] What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Alright, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!

[Todd runs upstairs crying.]

Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[Homer is still trying to build the doghouse when he accidentally hits his finger with his hammer.]

Homer: Aw, fudge! That's... broken. (steps on a nail) Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear... but I'm going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!

[He starts screaming gibberish and kicking the doghouse. Marge and Lisa arrives with a newly purchased doghouse for Santa's Little Helper from the money in the Swear Jar with an added bonus: Duff Beer for Homer for his commitment in withholding the use of profanity.]

Homer at the Bat[edit]

Barney Gumble: And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston.

Wade Boggs: Pitt The Elder.

Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!

Wade Boggs: [pokes Barney in the chest] PITT... THE... ELDER!

Barney: OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]

Moe: Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.

Barney: LORD PALMERSTON! [punches Moe out]

[While lamenting the loss of the other MLB players, Mr. Burns sees Don Mattingly, who has shaved off his "sideburns" (and most of the rest of his hair).]

Mr. Burns: [gasps and confronts him] Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! Go home! You're off the team! FOR GOOD!

Don Mattingly: Fine. [mutters to himself as he walks away] I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Separate Vocations[edit]

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.

Principal Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.

Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Principal Skinner: Let's move.

[Lisa is sent to Skinner's office for disciplinary action in her telling off Miss Hoover. She has a toothpick in her mouth.]

Principal Skinner: I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?

Lisa: Whaddya got?! [Skinner is aghast at her, horrified that she had become a sulkier, rebellious version of Bart]

Dog of Death[edit]

Homer: [at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.

Mr. Burns: Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]

Homer: I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]

Mr. Burns: [acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.

Homer: I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.

Mr. Burns: What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

Mr. Burns: Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]

[The Veterinarian fails to resuscitate a hamster.]

Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.

Veterinarian: I love animals. I've spent my life saving them and they can never thank me. Well, the parrots can.

Colonel Homer[edit]

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?

Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

[Lurleen records a new song]

Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,

When the coach called me up to the plate,

I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',

My average was point double oh eight.

So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,

And pointed right towards center field,

This time I'm hitting a home run,

This time, love is for real.

I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice

A lovin' fly for you,

I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,

I struck on a love that is true.

I used to play the field,

I used to be a roamer,

But the season's turning 'round for me now,

I finally bagged me a homer.

That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.

Studio Manager: Um, Lurleen, we're gonna have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track. [cut to Marge grinding her teeth]

Black Widower[edit]

[After Bob wins an Emmy.]

Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

Krusty: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!

Krusty: Second banana!

Sideshow Bob: Panderer!

Krusty: Bore!

[Bob is restrained by prison guards.]

Selma: That MacGyver's a genius!

Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!

Selma: You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!

Sideshow Bob: No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!

Selma: NO! [runs out, sobbing]

The Otto Show[edit]

[Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left]

Patty: Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

Otto: Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.

Patty: [drops green pen] I won't be needing this!

[Otto is struggling to open a door and is oblivious to the notice]

Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.

Otto: Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.

Landlord: Yeah, that was me.

Otto: You? But why?

Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.

Otto: Well... can I at least get my stuff?

Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.

Otto looks astonished

Otto: Wow! I have mustard?

Bart's Friend Falls in Love[edit]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]

Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?

Homer: The vernal equinox?

Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scales! [Homer gets on the scales] You've gained thirteen pounds.

Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?[edit]

[At the First Annual C. Montgomery Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence show.]

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.

[Herb rings The Simpsons' doorbell.]

Herb: [to himself] What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

[Homer opens the door.]

Homer: [surprised] Herb?

[Herb punches Homer in the face, steps over him and enters the house. Bart and Lisa see him.]

Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!

Herb: [hugging them] Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you!

Homer: [rubbing his cheek] You weren't so glad to see me...

Herb: I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face.

Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?

Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.


	31. Chapter 31 Road Rage

Kamp Krusty[edit]

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?

Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

Mr. Black: Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland: Mr. Krusty the Clown!

[Instead of the real Krusty, it's a disheveled and crudely disguised Barney Gumble.]

Mr. Black: Now, I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won't be saying anything or doing anything.

Milhouse: Krusty looks fat!

Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance!

Ralph: He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny!

Bart: [angry] That's not Krusty the Clown! [The other kids gasp.]

Mr. Black: Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [laughs nervously]

Barney: Yeah, Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! [belches]

A Streetcar Named Marge[edit]

Llewelyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks! That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.

Marge: [aside] Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.

Sinclair: Quiet!

Wiggum: Sorry.

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Homer the Heretic[edit]

[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]

Homer: God ...?

God: [points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken my church!

Homer: Well, kind of, but –

God: But what?

Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

God: Hmm, you have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?

Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.

God: Oh, yeah.

Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.

God: I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.

Homer: Give him one for me.

God: I will.

Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way.

God: Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.

[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]

Homer: The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!

Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ... miscellaneous.

Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.

Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Homer: I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Marge: Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Lisa the Beauty Queen[edit]

Lisa: [despondent] I'm an ugmo!

Homer: Now, that's not true! You're as cute as a bug's ear.

Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff. [Grampa walks by]

Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?

Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! [walks off]

Homer: There, see?

Kent Brockman: But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."

[Homer and Lisa watch at home.]

Homer: If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.

Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?

Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

Homer: Really?

Lisa: Uh-huh.

Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

Lisa: It's a deal.

Treehouse of Horror III[edit]

Homer: Do you sell toys?

Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt which I call frogurt.

Homer: Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Shopkeeper: Ah, perhaps this will please the gentleman. [picks a Krusty the Clown doll] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse.

Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.

Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt.

Homer: [relieved] That's good.

Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer: [worried] That's bad.

Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping.

Homer: [relieved] That's good.

Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

Homer: [stares]

Shopkeeper: That's bad.

Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: [after seeing Barney Gumble gnawing on an arm] Barney! Not you too!

Barney: I'm not a zombie. But hey, when in Rome... [sees George Washington's zombie] Wow! George Washington!

Homer: Take that, Washington! [Shoots him, then sees Einstein's zombie, and shoots it too.] Eat lead, Einstein! [Sees Shakespeare's zombie] Show's over, Shakespeare! [hits him with the stomach with the edge of his gun]

Shakespeare: Is this the end of zombie Shakespeare? [dies]

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie[edit]

Marge: Now, be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

Lisa: What are we gonna have?

Homer: Well that depends on what your teachers say. If both of you have been good, pizza. If you've been bad, um... let's see, poison.

Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart: Poison pizza.

Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

Bart: Not bloody likely.

Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories.

Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart: TV sucks.

Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Marge Gets a Job[edit]

Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]

Smithers: But sir, that's my office.

Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]

Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?

Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...

Smithers: NOOOOO!

Marge: So do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah...

New Kid on the Block[edit]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]

Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

[On the other end of the line.]

Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.

[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]

Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.

Marge: We pretty much went straight home.

Lionel Hutz: Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.

Marge: We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find any?

Marge: [crying] We went fishing!

Mr. Plow[edit]

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.

Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.

Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Kent Brockman: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.

Arnie Pye: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!

Kent Brockman: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.

Pye: [now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love- [picture fuzzes out]

Brockman: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie.

Lisa's First Word[edit]

[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]

Krusty: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?

Company Agent: Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.

Krusty: [satisfied] I like, I like!

Aide: This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]

Krusty: [reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?

Company Agent: Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars. [Krusty sobs]

TV Announcer: Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.

Krusty: [furious] You people are pigs! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!

Homer: [surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.

Homer's Triple Bypass[edit]

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer: Really? What's it like?

Lisa: [shrugs] Eh.

Krusty: Hey hey! [goofy laugh] [Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.] Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance!

Homer: Krusty, why are you here?

Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."

Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.

Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [lights a cigarette]

Homer: You seem pretty healthy.

Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Marge vs. the Monorail[edit]

Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?

Ned: Monorail!

Lyle: What's it called?

Patty and Selma: Monorail.

Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)

Ms. Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.

Lyle: It glides as softly as a cloud.

Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?

Lyle: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?

Lyle: You'll be given cushy jobs.

Abe Simpson: Were you sent here by the Devil?

Lyle: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.

Lyle: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

All: Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.

Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

All: Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail! MONORAIL!

Homer: Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Pilot: Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.

Lyle: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before? [realizes] Oh, no... OH, NO!

North Haverbrook Resident: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!

[as soon as the plane touches down, the townsfolk rush on board]

Selma's Choice[edit]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.

Lisa: We understand.

Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge: Homer, quit pouting.

Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Hans Moleman: (reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing) R, Q, J, question mark? Smiley face?

(Selma stamps his driver's license 'VOID')

Selma Bouvier: Next! Wait a minute-it says here you're single.

Hans Moleman: Did I do wrong?

Hans: Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.

Waitress: You're reading the wine list, sir.

Hans: Very good.

Brother from the Same Planet[edit]

[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]

Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]

Martin: Hey...

[falls down on the ground, twitching]

Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?

Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.

Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.

Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Milhouse: Uh, I have a horsey.

[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]

Nelson: Wuss!

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, we could use some names. "I.P Freely"- [realizes] Uh... grrr!

I Love Lisa[edit]

[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]

Lisa: A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.

Bart: That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!

Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.

Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.

Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands?

Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?

Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa: What if he wants to-

Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.

[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]

Homer: Is there a problem, officer?

Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.

Homer: Where?

Wiggum: [smashes a tail-light] Right there.

Homer: [angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!

Wiggum: [alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?

Duffless[edit]

[At the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]

Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.

Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you'll never touch a beer again. [Homer screams and jumps through the window.]

Homer: [singing] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.

Last Exit to Springfield[edit]

[Mr. Burns is taking Homer on a tour of his mansion.]

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.

Brockman: Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike. Argle-bargle or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk-show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Joyce Brothers: I brought my own mic.

Brockman: Yes. Well, Homer, organized labor has been called a "lumbering dinosaur".

Homer: AHH!

Brockman: Uh... My director's telling me not to talk to you anymore.

Homer: WOO-HOO!

Brockman: Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you want an opening tirade?

Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! NO-ONE WILL BE SPARED! NO-ONE!

Brockman: Heh-heh. A chilling vision of things to come.

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show[edit]

[Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]

Bart: April F- [an explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud]

[Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]

Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.

Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.

[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]

Homer: Why, you little-! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The Front[edit]

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!

Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?

Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: Yes!

Bobby: And First Whose new travel a least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.

Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of 74' I was just Uh... Leafing for your permanent records... that I discovered something a champion.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.

Bart: Cartoons have writers?

Lisa: Eh, sort of.

Bart: Oh yeah? Well you and I could write a better cartoon than that.

Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Whacking Day[edit]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for mountain bikes.]

Nelson: Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner: [appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]

Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?

Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner: [outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?

Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.

Principal Skinner: Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

Willie: Aye, sir. [under his breath] Ye bath-takin', underpants-wearin', lily-hugger.

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place, but Lisa wants a stop to the killing.]

Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?

Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

Lisa: Mrs. Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?

Mrs. Glick: Snake did.

Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr. White?

Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh baby.

Marge in Chains[edit]

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!

Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

Hutz: I love you too, man.

Krusty Gets Kancelled[edit]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience]

Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?

Flea: Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.

Bart: No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there!

Moe: What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?

Homer: Hey, Moe, can I look too?

Moe: Sure, but it'll cost you.

Homer: My wallet's in the car!

Moe: [chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!

Geico Commercial (January 14, 2007 - April 28, 2008)[edit]

[In the DVD, a 60-second Geico commercial is shown when Kent Brockman is sitting on the couch with Lurleen in the living room, who was looking ill and dirty.]

Announcer: Kent Brockman is a real Geico costumer, not a celebrity. So to help tell his story, we hired Mrs. Lurleen.

Kent Brockman: So, one day, I found a nice drive in the morning, I saw something outside.

Lurleen: I spent last night in a ditch.

Kent Brockman: I kept going forward, but didn't look back.

Lurleen: There's no going back. You've changed things forever.

Kent Brockman: When the car is damaged, and Geico fixes everything!

Lurleen: I think I'm gonna be very sick.

Kent Brockman: The next thing I know, Geico is right there for me.

Lurleen: Impressive.

Kent Brockman: And maybe the next thing you wanted to switch your car insurance to Geico.

Lurleen: All too easy!

Kent Brockman: But now, she can go back on the road with your repaired car, but not the old one.

Lurleen: I am so serious!

[The GEICO logo comes in]

Announcer: Geico. Real service. Real savings.

Homer's Barbershop Quartet[edit]

Bart: Dad, when did you record an album?

Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago.

Bart: Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago.

[all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]

Bart: No really, I can't, it's a serious problem!

[everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]

Bart: What're we all laughing about?

Homer: Who cares?

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!

David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?

Barney: You're a musician?

[After the Grammy Awards...]

Homer: Then came to the greatest thrill of my life.

George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.

Homer: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie?

Harrison: Over there. There's a big pile of 'em.

Homer: [walks over to the brownies and wolfs down a whole bunch] Oh, man.

Harrison: [completely sincere] Well, what a nice fellow.

[The Be Sharps are going through hard times.]

Homer, Skinner, and Apu: [singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop

Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop

Koop Koop-a-doop

Apu: [to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?

Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.

[Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]

Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.

[On the recorder]

Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]

Cape Feare[edit]

Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against threatening letters.

Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is.

Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...

Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. [shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]

Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. [camera pans to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch, laugh, and throw down change] Boys, knock it off! [the cops grumble and disperse while Eddie shakes the squirrels out of his pants]

Blue-Haired Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"

Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."

Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Chief Wiggum: Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.

Homer: Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...

Chief Wiggum: Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.

Ned: Hidilly-hey!

Homer: Go home.

Ned: Toodledy-do!

Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.

Sideshow Bob: [furious] By Lucifer's beard!

Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.

Man: C'monn, leave town!

Bob: No.

Man: I'll be your friend?

Bob: No.

Man: Oh, you're mean!

FBI Agent: We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape Feare, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville -

Homer: Ooh, Ice Creamville!

FBI Agent: Er, no, Screamville.

Homer: [screams]

Homer: BART, YA WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YA GO TO BED?!

···

Homer: BART, YA WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?!

Bart: Take im away, boys.

Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake im away, toys.

Lou: What'd you say, chief?

Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Homer Goes to College[edit]

Male NRC agent: Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station. Now we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.

Homer: What the hell are you talking about? What can I do? What can I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me.

Male NRC agent: Relax, It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.

Homer: Just poke blindly on your controls until they let you go.

[Homer manages to cause a meltdown]

Male NRC agent: No... no! This can't be happening!

[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]

Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats! [Burns reopens the door]

Monty Burns: I like to put my feet up.

[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]

Homer: Raargh! Must...destroy...mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and heads off]

Male NRC agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!

Mr. Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

Second Male NRC agent: The box, the box!

Female NRC agent: Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.

[Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a fur coat that still has the $5,000 price tag attached to it.]

Mayor Quimby: Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]

Male NRC agent: You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.

Mr. Burns: Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.

[Burns presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens a few feet behind the NRC agents, who stare at it in confusion.]

Smithers: The painters moved your desk, sir.

Mr. Burns: Ah, yes.

Mr. Burns: You [Homer] must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.

Smithers: Actually sir we found the Jade Monkey; it was in your glove compartment.

Mr. Burns: And the road maps and ice scraper?

Smithers: They were in there too sir.

Mr. Burns: Excellent, it's all falling into place.

Rosebud[edit]

Smithers: Who's Bobo, sir?

Mr. Burns: Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show.

[After being told that preparations have been done for his birthday]

Mr. Burns: I won't get what I want.

Smithers: No one does.

[Smithers imagines Mr. Burns popping out of a birthday cake wearing only a sash, a la Marilyn Monroe.]

Fantasy Mr. Burns: [singing] Happy birthday, Mister Smithers.

Smithers: MMMM..

[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]

Homer: Are you ready to to laugh?

Man in Audience: Ugh, that poor dog.

Homer: I said, are you ready to laugh?!

Woman in Audience: Quiet, you awful man!

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap-

Mr. Burns: What?

Homer: Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so old-

Mr. Burns: [pounds the table] How dare you!

Homer: Woah! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... [clears throat] Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".

[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]

Homer: (mockingly) I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blaaah!

Mr. Burns: Destroy him. [one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious] This party is over. [the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]

[After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]

Homer: Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.

Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.

Homer: Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

Lisa: I knew it.

[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]

Homer: Mmmm... 64 slices of american cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.

Marge: [entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?

Homer: I think I'm blind.

[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]

Mr. Burns: Good day to you.

[They both leave]

Barney The Dinosaur: Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four.

Homer: Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular.

Treehouse of Horror IV[edit]

[Devil Ned has give Homer an enchanted doughnut.]

Homer: Oooh!

Devil Ned: Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...

[Homer has already scarfed the doughnut, except for one small piece.]

Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Devil Ned: Well, technically, no, but...

Homer: [sing-song] I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-

[Devil Ned angrily transforms into a huge, red demon.]

Devil: [deep voice] YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!

[He vanishes into the floor. Homer smugly puts the last doughnut piece into his pocket.]

Homer: Not likely. He, he, he.

[In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]

Blue Demon: So you like donuts, eh.

Homer: Uh-huh.

Blue Demon: Well have all the donuts in the world.

[He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. Minutes later, it's revealed this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]

Homer: More.

Blue Demon: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

Devil Ned: Alright Simpson, you get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten thought be FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!

Homer: [screams]

[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns' castle. Homer rings the doorbell.]

Mr. Burns: [via intercom] Welcome, come in. [sinisterly, still heard on intercom] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.

Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Mr. Burns: Oh, son of a bi- [door opens]

Homer: BART! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis— Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!

Grampa: QUICK! We have to kill the boy!

Marge: How'd you know he's a vampire?

Grampa: He's a vampire? [screams]

[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns' crypt. Homer opens his casket and is ready to stake him.]

Homer: Take that, vile fiend! [starts staking Burns repeatedly]

Lisa: Uh, dad? That's his crotch.

Homer: Oh.. sorry. [puts stake to his heart] BAH!

Mr. Burns: [screams]

[He quivers then stops and melts into mold]

Homer: [relieved] Aah...

Mr. Burns: [comes back to life] YOU'RE FIRED! [melts into mold and dies again]

Homer: D'OH!

Marge on the Lam[edit]

Rescue Worker 1: Homer, this is never easy to say, I'm going have to saw your arms off.

Homer: They'll grow back, right?

Rescue Worker: Oh...yeah.

Homer: Whew.

[the rescue worker starts the rotary saw and moves it toward Homer's arm]

Rescue Worker 2: Homer, are you just holding on to the can?

Homer: Your point being?

[Homer leaves with everyone laughing at him]

Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.

Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second... [pulls a card from his pocket: "ALWAYS DO OPPOSITE OF WHAT BART SAYS"] Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter.

Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.

Homer: Here you g- [pulls back] No!

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.

Homer: We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.

Lionel Hutz: Three.

Homer: Two.

Lionel Hutz: Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.

Homer: Done.

Lionel Hutz: (to himself) Still got it!

Ruth Powers: You sure can see a lot of Springfield from this bluff.

Marge: Indeed, but there is so much smoke coming from one place. In fact, if I didn't know any better it is coming from our house.

Simpson residence. Lionel Hutz is furiously burning papers in fireplace

Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning so many papers?

Lionel Hutz: As of now Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

(Bart and Lisa wake up the next day on the couch)

Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.

Lisa: Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.

(Lisa budges Lionel Hutz awake. He growls menacingly and brandishes a knife)

Lionel Hutz: (defensively) Don't touch my stuff! (realizes that he just scared Bart, Lisa, and Maggie; sheepishly, as he sits on the couch with a confused expression on his face) H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.

Bart's Inner Child[edit]

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'

Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?

Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course big Ned, you're doin' super! [Ned smiles]

Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here.

Homer: It sure does.

Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talkin' wit ya accent-a no more.

Moe: [slaps face] Mamma mia!

Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and freely communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about [beep]ing time! Of course all these good feelings can be traced to one feisty little scamp who taught us that if it feels good, do it! [squirts whipped cream into his mouth]

Bart: Lis, today I am a God.

Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich?

Bart: Ewww...

Mr. Burns: And I'm really enjoying this so called... iced cream!

Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just like to say that... I... love you.

Burns: Hm?

Smithers: In those colors! (to himself) Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time!

Principal Skinner: Darn! They're very slowly getting away!

Moe: Looks like they're headed for the old mill!

Principal Skinner: No they're not.

Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway! Get some cider!

Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood[edit]

Bart: Aw man, how are we supposed to kill the rusty afternoon?

Hobo: You mustn't kill time boys, you must cherish it, seize the day. Can I have some change to go get me loaded?

Milhouse: Hey, don't bogart that Squishee! [Barney chugs junkie]

Barney: I dunno where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel.

Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.

[Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head.]

Principal Skinner: What is it with you boys and that word? [grabs Milhouse] I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege.

[While looking for a peanut under the couch, Homer pulls out a 20 dollar bill]

Homer: Awww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut.

Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.

Homer: Explain how!

Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

[Homer starts running to the door, slips on the peanut he was looking for, and drops the money]

Homer: D'OH!

Chief Wiggum: Ya see anything yet?

Lou: Nothing captain, someone took all the beer and cold cuts.

Wiggum: Oh, that's it. I'm not even casting off until we go to the store.

The Last Temptation of Homer[edit]

[Charlie is explaining to Mr Burns about the gas leak]

Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.

Mr. Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? [hands Smithers a notebook] Smithers, throw this at him. [Smithers throws the book at Charlie. Mr. Burns right hand reaches under his desk and presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards] Smithers, where does that tube go?

Smithers: I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we first moved in.

[Charlie then finds himself in an unnamed foreign country inhabited by cackling men wearing turbans. He is forced to dance to sitar music.]

Men: Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! [Charlie does so. The men start ululating maniacally]

Department of Labor Agent: This plant violates every labor law in the book! We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core!

Mr. Burns: That plane crashed on my property!

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.

Moe: Yeah?

Homer: You see, I have this friend named Joey Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo.

Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard. [a man in the bar leaves crying]

Barney: Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

[An alarm starts blaring at the power plant]

Smithers: Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.

Mr. Burns: Well we'll just see about that! [uncovers a cage hold several winged monkeys] Fly, my pretties! Fly! [the monkeys leap out of the window, only to plummet to their deaths. Burns groans]

Mr. Burns: Oh...[to Smithers] Continue the research.

$pringfield (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)[edit]

[Homer puts on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses he finds floating in a toilet bowl.]

Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.

Man in stall: That's a right triangle, ya idiot!

Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger: It was fun.

Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Henry Kissinger: Yes well, I'm sure I left them in the car. [thinking] No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you [pointing at the camera] the viewers!

Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor and it's time to free your mother from his neon claws.

Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Smithers: M'aam, do you not think you have gambled enough?

Marge: No.

Smithers: We are required to ask that question once every 72 hours. OK, bring the lady a free shrimp cocktail!

(Bart brings Robert Goulet to his treehouse casino)

Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the place? I think I should call my manager.

Nelson Muntz: Your manager says for you to shut up!

Goulet: (surprised) Vera said that?

Homer: [grabbing Marge] Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!

Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!

Homer: [slowly, but still furious] J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.

Marge: Think before you say each word.

Homer: You broke a promise to your child.

Marge: What?

Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed - she's such a little trooper.

[Marge then realizes that all her time spent at the casino made her neglect on her duties as a mother.]

Homer the Vigilante[edit]

Bart: [horrified] The burglar even took my stamp collection!

Lisa: [amused] You had a stamp collection?

[The family all laugh at Bart, and the phone rings. Bart answers it.]

Nelson: [on the phone] Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.

Bart Gets Famous[edit]

[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]

Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. [to Marge] I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!

Marge: The best performance of your life?

Bart: The best performance of my life!

Lisa: [to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer: [breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart: Ay, caramba!

Marge: [groans]

Maggie: [sucks her pacifier]

Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney: [belches]

Nelson: Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]

Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

Bart: I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]

Krusty: Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]

Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

Bart: [Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.

Milhouse: Looks more like Brad Storch.

Martin: No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.

Nelson: [Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

Kent Brockman: [Reading news script] 'Tragic news tonight: a tidal wave in Kuala'... 'la'- la... 'Pur'... 'Lam-pur'... France.

[Bart pops up and steals Kent's Danish.]

Bart: Yoink!

Kent Brockman: Yoink? [After finding out his Danish is gone] (gasps)

Kent Brockman: [Shuffling his papers] Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.

Bumbleebee Man: [Pushing Kent off the chair and sitting on it] (clearing throat) 'A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.' Ay Chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loses balance and falls over]

Announcer: And now it's time for "Match Game 2034", with Billy Crystal!

Billy: Hi!

Announcer: Farah Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney!

Farah: [Grunts]

Announcer: The "I didn't do it" boy!

Bart: [Grunts]

Announcer:: Ventriloquist Loni Anderson!

Loni: [sighs]

Announcer: Spike Lee!

Spike: Mmm.

Announcer: And the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle!

Kitty: Hi, everybody: let's start the game!

Homer and Apu[edit]

Homer is eating meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart

Homer: Ugh, meat bad...must...keep going.

Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street

Kwik-E-Mart

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!

Apu: Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks, sniffs shrimp]

Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!

Apu: Okay, ten pounds.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street

Kent Brockman: Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."

Kent: We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.

Man: [neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.

[Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]

Apu: Huh?

Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.

Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.

Homer: Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]

Kent: Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.

Homer: Apu, if I've learned anything, it's that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Apu: He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.

CEO: Approach, my sons.

[Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]

CEO: You may ask me three questions.

Apu: That's great, because I only need one.

Homer: [interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

CEO: Yes.

Homer: Really?

CEO: Yes.

Homer: You?

CEO: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.

Apu: But – I must—

CEO: Thank you, come again.

Apu: But—

CEO: Thank you, come again.

[Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]

Homer: Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]

Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy[edit]

Malibu Stacy Doll: Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! Ha ha, ha ha!

Bart: Right on, say it, sister.

Lisa: It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talkin' about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Bart: Just what I was gonna say.

(Lisa angrily throws the doll out the living room window. Cut to Grampa Simpson riding a bike down the street)

Grampa Simpson: Look at me! I'm acting young!

(The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bicycle. Grampa Simpson flies off screaming past a blur of colors until he lands in an open grave at a cemetery. Two grave diggers having lunch turn around to see what the commotion is, then resume eating)

Grampa Simpson: (from inside the grave) Hey, this ain't so bad.

[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy.]

Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?

Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.

Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.

Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.

Stacy: Well, that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

[Smithers turns on his computer, its boot screen displays a computerized version of Mr. Burns]

Mr. Burns: Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.

Smithers: Uh, you probably should ignore that.

Deep Space Homer[edit]

Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season! And remember: a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. [Smithers whispers to him] Hmm?... What?... Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award".

Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.

Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.

[A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.]

Chimp: [English accent] No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?

Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. [thinks for a moment] Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

NASA Technician: [counting down to launch] Three... Two... One... MAKE ROCKET GO NOW!

Kent: We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with "average-naut" Homer Simpson, and we'd like to.

[Homer has sent potato chips loose in zero gravity]

Buzz Aldrin: Careful, they're ruffled!

Homer Loves Flanders[edit]

[Ned has just offered Homer tickets to the game]

Homer: Why do you mock me, Lord?

Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle Bart threw up there

[Marge knocks it down]

Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee but... [does it anyway] Mmmm, sacralicious.

[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]

Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.

[Cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side.]

Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Bart Gets an Elephant[edit]

[Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast.]

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.

Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. [to Homer]: Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?

Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.

Bart: Think you'll win?

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Homer: What's the point of all this cleaning?! Are we so vain?!

Kent Brockman: So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives – "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.

Mr. Burns: [rides on Stampy] Ha-ha! Smithers, this reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work!

Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.

Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.

Homer: [scared] Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?

Mr. Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?

Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?

Mr. Blackheart: [chuckles] Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network ... and like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

Homer: He took Bart too?! [yells out the window] THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL BLACKHEART! THAT. WASN'T. PAAAAART!

Grampa: Hey, they're playing the elephant song!

Jasper: I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

[At Springfield Police Station]

Chief Wiggum: [sarcastically] Yeah, right, lady: an elephant ran through your front yard. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...yeah, right, mister, mm hm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. OK. [goes to another line] Wiggum...Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure...and I'm Edward G. Robinson!

Burns' Heir[edit]

Smithers: I got a mink chamois, sir. I hope it- [gasp] Oh, my God, Mr. Burns is dead! Aw! Why do the good always die so young?

Mr. Burns: [emerges, strangles Smithers] You almost killed me!

Smithers: Please, sir... [places towel on Burns' shoulders] you'll catch..cold.

Nelson Muntz: Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince: [Singing] "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley. Ring, ring, ring went the bell. Zing, zing, sing went my heartstrings...

[Nelson punches Martin in stomach]

Martin Prince: OW!

Mr. Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet]

Mr. Burns: Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

Smithers: I think it is a rock, sir.

Mr. Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.

Marge: Are you sure you can get him back for us?

Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.

Marge: What about Peter Fonda?

Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.

Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one!

[Bart turns on his model train and it leave the room]

Milhouse: Where does it go?

Bart: I don't know, but it won't be back for 3 hours, one time it had snow on it.

Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song[edit]

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, you're fired.

Principal Skinner: Did you just call me a liar?

Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.

Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.

Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me. Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it, it's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Ned: [over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.

Superintendent Chalmers: Thank the Lor- thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!

The Boy Who Knew Too Much[edit]

Bart: Wow, that is the biggest Rice Krispie square I've ever seen! The rich sure know how to live.

Homer: [lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?

Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!

Principal Skinner: You're stealing a table?

Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!

Principal Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?

Homer: Souvenir.

Scott Christian: Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.

Kent Brockman: —ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter". (pfft) This reporter suggested "Waitergate", but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, [whispers] so we'll have to be quiet. [courtroom doors close to his face] Dooh—!

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?

Marge: Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again.

Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?

Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart... and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, my God... Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! ...Oh, yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten, heh-heh.

Homer: What does "sequestered" mean?

Skinner: It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.

Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?

Skinner: It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.

Homer: Uh-huh. And "if"?

Skinner: Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".

Homer: So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.

Patty: That's not going to happen, Homer.

Jasper: Let's go. My liver is failing.

Homer: Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY!

Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote.

Homer: What are all of you voting?

Everyone: Guilty.

Homer: Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?

Everyone: *groans*

Homer: Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yeah, you heard me. I think words I would never say.

Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, boy. Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.

Lady Bouvier's Lover[edit]

Marge: Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.

[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie".]

Homer: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!

[Homer imagines his children as humans.]

Homer: Aggh!

Mrs. Bouvier: Oh, Monty, I swear you're the devil himself.

Mr. Burns: I...Who told you?! ...Oh, ah, yes.

Secrets of a Successful Marriage[edit]

[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself.]

Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk!

Homer: And how.

[Reverend and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge.]

Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.

Marge: But isn't that a sin?

Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Bart of Darkness

Nelson: Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!

Bart: It is? [Bart looks in vain for the problem, only to overbalance and fall from the treehouse, then screams with a girlish scream]

Nelson: [talking to Kearney as Bart plummets] You see, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true; that's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha ha!

Milhouse: Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.

Nelson: I said, "Ha, ha."

Hibbert: I'm sorry, that leg's going to have to come off. [Homer and Bart gasps] Ha, ha, ha. Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.

Bart: Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.

Homer: Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Marge: This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me.

Homer: Mmm... Uh-h-h- [a rotor system is heard and a spotlight interrupts]

Homer/Marge: [scream]

Chief Wiggum: [through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on! Continue! C'mon! Aww... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.

[After hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders' house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard]

Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation.

Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!

Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

Ned: I'M A MUR-DIDDLY-URDLER!

Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Homer: [after they build a barn from a pool kit] Alright, everybody in the pool!

Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.

Homer: D'oh-eth!

Bart: Well, I guess that explains everything.

Homer: Not everything. [talking to Ned] There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

Maude: Uh, I'm right here.

Homer: Oh, I see. Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!

[Everybody looks at him]

Homer: Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Lisa's Rival

Largo: Ohh – that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Lisa: [ecstatic] I won first chair?

Largo: No, you regained consciousness; Allison got first chair.

Lisa: [screams]

Lisa blacks out

Lisa: Huh ...? Oh, it's just a dream.

Largo: Ohh – that was a close one, Lisa, but you made it.

Lisa: [ecstatic] I won first chair?

Largo: No, you regained consciousness; Allison got first chair. And believe me, this is not a dream!

Lisa: [screams]

[Homer and Bart come across an overturned truck that is spilling sugar. Homer shovels sugar into his car]

Bart: Dad, is this not stealing?

Homer: Read your town charter, boy! It says in writing: "If any foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall become property of the village idiot". Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!

Homer: And you don't think I made any money. I found a dollar while waiting for the bus.

Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost $40 by not going to work. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: Look, just give up the sugar, okay?!

Homer: Never! Never, Marge. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer: [drowsy and in a Cuban accent] In America... first you get the sugar... then you get the power... then you get the women.

Homer: Lisa, stop that racket, I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy... easy... [smashes camera] Hmmm... I'm gonna need a bigger drill.

[Rain squall has dissolved Homer's sugar heap]

Homer: NOOOO! My sugar is melting! MELTING! Oh, what a world!

Marge: I'm sorry, Homer.

Homer{composed}: It's okay, Marge. I learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. That is why God dispenses it in those tiny packets and he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Bart: Hey, everybody! Look at me! Turn this way right now!

Sherri: Hey, it's Bart!

Milhouse: And he's doing stuff!

Principal Skinner: Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

Principal Skinner: Ugh, now we're into the dregs. Here's Ralph Wiggum's entry... Pre-packaged Star Wars figures still in their display boxes? Are those the limited edition action figures?

Ralph: What's a diorama?

Principal Skinner: There's Luke... And Obi-Wan! And my favourite, Chewie! They're all here! What do you think?

Miss Hoover: I think it's lunchtime.

Principal Skinner: WE HAVE A WINNER!

Ralph: I beat the smart kids, I beat the smart kid—oh! [Ralph's action figures falls, and their heads come off] I bent my Wookiee.

Another Simpsons Clip Show

[Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode]

Marge:: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Bart: It's a new episode.

Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

Bart: [switches to new footage] Really?

Lisa: Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.

Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

(Marge tries to talk to Homer about their love life, but Homer is half-asleep)

Homer: Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. and I've been working all day.

Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool!

(cut to reused footage from season four's New Kid on the Block of Homer digging a half-eaten hot dog out of a kiddie pool)

Homer: There you are. Thought you could get away! (eats it)

Itchy & Scratchy Land

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought, fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

Narrator: Roger Myers' next full-length feature was the wildly successful Pinnitchyo.

Scratchy: [as Geppetto (in Italian accent)] Now you be a good Pinnitchyo, and don't-a you lie.

Pinnitchyo: I promise I will never hurt you. [his nose grows suddenly, spearing Scratchy's eyeball]

Scratchy: OUCH-A!

[After ordering food with disgusting names]

Bart: I'm was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.

Marge: [releaved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.

Server: Psh. Lady, you disgust me. Wugghh..!

Lisa: Mom, that's veal.

Marge: Ohh...

[Hans Moleman is inside a phone booth at the bird sanctuary with birds attacking him.]

Moleman: [Into phone] Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. [Pause] No, that's too big!

Sideshow Bob Roberts

Sideshow Bob: There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?

Bart: We want the truth!

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Homer: I know what you're to, Mayor Terwigiger, and no-one in my family's gonna stand for it. [foghorn sound]

Abe: [on Matlock Ex. with Jasper] Move your goddarn house, son!

Quimby: And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.

[murmur]

Abe: WHAT'S IN IT FOR US!?

Jasper: Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!

Quimby: Well, what do you people like?

Jasper: Sleep.

Crazy Old Man: Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!

Abe: MATLOCK!

[...]

Quimby: Well, I suppose I could name it the... "Matlock Expressway"!

Sideshow Bob: You see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated.

[...]

Bob: Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder." Now honestly, what was that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry", do they? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now, this is a personal call!

Judge: But why?

Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king. That's why I did it- to save you from yourselves.

[While Homer reads in disgust over the Riverdale punks in an Archie comic, the children approach a shadowy figure with a cigarette.]

Man: You're on the right track. Follow the names.

Bart: How the hell do you know?

Man:[takes a drag] I can't tell you who I am, but I worked on the campaign.

[Homer speeds his car forward with the lights on and accidentally exposes Smithers.]

Homer: Hey, Mr. Smithers!

Smithers: Well, you might as well give me a ride home now.

[In the car with Bart, Lisa and Homer]

Smithers: I've never gone behind Mr. Burns' back before but Sideshow Bob's ultra-conservative views, er, conflict with my...choice of lifestyle. All I can do is give you one name: Edgar Neubauer. Find him, and you'll find your answer.

Treehouse of Horror V

[Marge discovers that Homer has written "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" all over the house]

Marge: Hmm.. this is less encouraging...

Homer: HELLO!

Marge: [screams]

Homer: [lights on] Well what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking along the lines of "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".

Marge: Go crazy?

Homer: Don't mind if I do! [makes weird noises]

[Marge runs to break glass behind her and grabs bat inside]

Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!

Homer: Gimme the bat, Marge! Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat. C'mon. Gimme the bat! Gimme the ba-ba-baooululuulu. Heh-heh-heh. Scaredy-cat. LERRRR~! [looks at mirror] AHHH!

[Homer chops through a door with an axe.]

Homer: Here's Johnny! [notices the room is empty] D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door.]

Homer: Daaaavid LETTERMAN! [sees Grandpa, who finally found his way to the house after being left at the gas station earlier in the story]

Abe: Hi David, I'm Grandpa.

Homer: D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand.]

Homer: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Family: [screams]

[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]

Homer: Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.

Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?

Homer: D'oh!

[Wednesday]

Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.

Marge: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?

Homer: D'oh, d'oh!

[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]

Lisa: [gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?

Homer: I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

[returning to the past with a baseball bat]

Homer: "Don't touch anything"?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! [Homer begins smashing everything in sight]

Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get ya home, but you have to do exactly as I- (jab) AAARRRGGGHHH! [collapses with an ax in his back; Maggie removes her pacifier]

Maggie: [In James Earl Jones's voice] This is, indeed, a disturbing universe.

Homer: Wow! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time.

Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer, you're the second.

Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.

Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you.

Willie: Hold on kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! I'll— [screams] Ugch, I'm bad at this.

[Homer has just awaken and is in heaven as he stuffs his face with food. Moe knocks on the pantry door.]

Moe:[through the door] Homer? It's Moe. Uh look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.

Homer: Can't murder now, eating.

Moe: Oh, for crying out loud... [enters with a group of horror characters] Come on.

[Homer screams as Moe's gang of ghouls consisting of a mummy, werewolf, vampire, w:Freddy Kruger, w:Jason Voorhees and w:Pinhead carry him out against his will.]

[Lisa trips in the snow while being chased by an axe-wielding homer, spots a handheld TV]

Lisa: Dad, look! (holds handheld TV up)

Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, [suggestive emphasis] secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... RISING! Fading, fading... gone.

[Family sighs in relief]

Homer: Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

[Time progresses and everyone is encased by ice]

TV Announcer: Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Bart: Homer... change channel!

Homer: Can't, frozen!

["One" from "A Chorus Line" plays]

Homer: Urge to kill...rising...

Bart's Girlfriend

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?

Homer: New glasses?

Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.

Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.

Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.

Marge: That's not what I meant.

Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

Bart's Brain: Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.

Bart: I-

Helen Lovejoy: Took the money? Yes, we know.

Moe: He confessed!

Bart: O-kay!

[Bart runs to and jumps out the window]

Homer: Stop him! He's headed for the window!

Jessica Lovejoy [to Bart]: I'm the minister's perfect daughter and you're just yellow trash.

Bart: Huuhh?

Bart: You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug!

Bart [to Lisa about Jessica Lovejoy]: She's like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.

Lisa on Ice

Principal Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Ralph: I won! I won! [walks on stage]

Skinner: No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

[Lisa is concerned about her failing grade in gym class]

Marge: Cheer up! So you're not good at sports. It's a very small part of life.

Homer: Sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports-sports. Marge, Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports.

Marge: Homer, I think Lisa could use a little cheering up. How about let her in front too?

[Homer glances at Bart, who coolly shakes his head.]

Homer: [shrugs, to Marge] I tried.

[Bart walks into the kitchen with his baseball glove where Homer is sitting]

Bart: C'mon dad; lets go throw the ol' baseball.

Homer: Sorry Bart, I'm taking Lisa out for a gellati. We'd ask you to come but...ya know.

[after Bart fails to be a scholar due to him being a slacker in school all his life and irritating Ms. Krabappel, Nelson, Jimbo and Kearney beats Bart up]

Nelson:[beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!

Lisa:[punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.

[Kearney and Nelson back away. Jimbo also backs away partially due to him being Lisa's teammate.]

Jimbo:[points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Lisa: Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.

[everyone points and laughs]

Skinner: I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs]

Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection..._and_ to be seen!

Chief Wiggum: Oh, yes, we won! We won, we won! Uh, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team... we won't be going out for pizza.

[his team sighs]

Homer: Bad Man

Homer: Ehh, somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... [drools] I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is-

Godfrey Jones: That, is really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.

[The version of his interview aired by Rock Bottom]

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on- her- sweet can... so I grabbed- her- sweet can... -Oh, just thinking about- her- can... -I just wish I had- her- sweet, sweet- s-s-sweet can...

Godfrey Jones: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (a paused shot of Homer is seen) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, noooo! (the screen freezes on the screaming Godfrey)

Announcer: Dramatization, may not have happened.

Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but, I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of a turkey in a rotisserie) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees; he's literally stewing in his own juices. [in the TV studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?

Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.

Grampa: Flu?

Homer: No.

Grampa: Protein deficiency?

Homer: No.

Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?

Homer: No.

Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?

Homer: N- Yes! But please, don't you say that word.

Grampa: What? [shouts] Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.

Homer: [groans]

Lisa: Mom, Dad, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book.

Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."

Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

Aide: Mr Vice-President! Someone finally bough a copy of your book, sir!

Al Gore: Well then, this calls for a celebration. [switches stereo on]

Kool and the Gang: Celebrate good times, come on!

Al Gore: I will.

Homer: Throughout your whole life, you've not said one nice thing to me.

Grampa: That's because you're a screw-up.

Homer: You're a screw-up!

Grampa: Why you... [proceeds to strangle Homer, who eventually thrusts him away]

Homer: All right, that's it! We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.

Grampa: If I hadn't invented that tonic some 30 years ago, you'd have never been born and I would have been happy! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!

[Homer gasps and stops the car]

Homer: [angry] GET OUT!

Grampa: I'm sorry I said that.

Homer: [still angry] OUT!

Grampa: [gets out of the car] I'm going to get out of the car and I hope you find it in your heart not to drive aw-

[Homer drives off, preventing Grampa from finishing his sentence]

Grampa: Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. [scene cuts to middle of the night with Grampa still stranded on the same stretch of open road] Dang! [a lone wolf is heard howling in the distance]

Fear of Flying

Moe: [to Homer] And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.

Homer: "It's Raining Men"?!

Moe: Yeah, not no more, it ain't. [throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]

Smithers: Ow! [looks at the record] Ohhh.

Bart: Cheer up, Homer.

Homer: Can't.

Bart: Okay!

Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?

Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.

Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?

Homer: Yes! Cris-a-tunity. You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?

Bart: [pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!

Homer: Thank you!

[Homer enters the bar from Cheers.]

Homer: Ooh, this looks like a nice, friendly place.

Carla: Sam, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane, without Rebecca knowing.

Sam: Okay Carla, I'll make you a bet; if this affects my major-league comeback, I'll sell the bar.

Norm: Hey Woody, get me a beer.

Woody: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.

Norm: Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! [stands up and smashes a bottle] I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

[Norm lunges for Woody, but Cliff and Frasier restrain him.]

Clavin: Woah, settle down, Normie! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke!

[Homer runs from the bar.]

Norm: I love you guys! [weeps as the Cheers theme plays]

Homer: Wait a minute... There's something bothering me about this place. [gasps] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. (leaves)

Lesbian: What was her problem?

Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking.

Homer's Liver: Yay!

Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches himself in the liver] Ow, my liver hurts.

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?

[All of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention.]

Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy.

[All of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing.]

Airport Worker: You! [points at Homer]

Homer: But I...

Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?

Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.

Airport Worker: [laughs] You flyboys, you crack me up.

[Cut to the cockpit of a plane.]

Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!

Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

[Forces Homer into cockpit.]

Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!

Grandpa: [Looking out the airplane window at the landing crew] Wow, we must be really flying high. Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.

Homer: Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?

Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something...

Grampa: [still on the airplane and screaming like a banshee]

Homer: Eh, I'm sure it's nothin'.

Lisa: Mom, are you feeling any better?

Marge: Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it.

Homer: Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying.

Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."

Marge: Everyone has a fear of something.

Homer: Not everyone.

Marge: Sock puppets!

Homer: Where!? Where!? [screams]

Marge: I just realized we never had a wedding for the cat and the dog. They've been living in sin. [Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II whimper miserably]

Lisa: Mom, you've been cooking all night?

Marge: [in a happy tone] Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled into one, you are!

Lisa: See, Dad, I told you Mom would have problems.

Marge: No, no, honey, it's all right. Really, I'm fine, I'm all right. Mother always said, "Don't complain. Be good. Behave. Behave. Be nice. Smile. Be polite. Don't make waves..." [walks out]

Homer: You heard your mother's ramblings. She's fine, so behave.

Lisa: Mom, can we talk to you?

Marge: Can't talk. Keeping myself in a state of catlike readiness.

Lisa: Uh, neat. Anyway, Mom, maybe you should go into therapy.

Marge: I don't need therapy, I'm fine; and it's too expensive.

Homer: And I don't believe in it! It breaks up families, turns wives against husbands, children against fathers, neighbors against me. You don't have to pay some fancy psychiatrist 10 bucks an hour to get top-notch therapy.

Lisa: Dad, Mom's getting worse. You need to get her to a real psychiatrist; look how tense she is.

Homer: She's fine. [realises Marge is sitting down with no sofa under her] Oh.

Homer: [sarcastically] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.

Lisa: Dad, I like picking beans with Grandma.

Homer: Well, keep it up, then.

Lisa: [sarcastically] Okay, I will.

Homer: Good. You do that.

Lisa: Fine.

Homer: You'll be picking many a bean.

Lisa: Hope I do.

[Marge gets on the bus for her first day of school, carrying lunchbox with The Monkees on it]

Girl: Eww! You like The Monkees? You know they don't write their own songs.

Marge: They do so!

Girl: They don't even play their own instruments.

Marge: No! No!

Girl: That's not even Michael Nesmith's real hat.

Marge: Agggghhhh!

Homer: [to Marge] Did you talk about me in therapy today?

Marge: I don't think so.

Homer: Tell me the truth! [gasps] Don't tell her I raised my voice. [laughs nervously] Happy family, happy family...

Marge: Thank you, Doctor. Whenever the wind whistles through the leaves, I'll think "Lowenstein", "Lowenstein".

Dr. Zweig: My name is Zweig.

Marge: [whispering] Lowenstein...

Homer the Great

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know. There is, and it's me.

Marge: You're not a god, Homer.

Lisa: Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.

Homer: So?

Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.

Homer: No.

Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever.

Homer: Everything lasts forever.

Lisa: Don't you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.

Homer: Remove the girl.

Lisa: Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now, there are no lackeys to carry out your- [Bart takes away Lisa, then salutes Homer]

Stonecutters: [singing] Who controls the British Crown?

Who keeps the metric system down?

We do, we do

Carl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?

Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

Martian: We do, we do

Stonecutters: Who holds back the electric car?

Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?

We do, we do

Principal Skinner: Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?

Stonecutters: We do... we do!

[Homer, blindfolded while being initiated]

Number One: This ritual is called Crossing the Desert. [leads Homer in front of a line of members with paddles]

Homer: [being spanked as he walks by] Ow ow ow ow ow ow!

Number One: And this is we call the Unblinking Eye. [leads Homer again]

Homer: [being spanked again] Ow ow ow ow ow ow! [on the other side of the line] Hey, have ya ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye? It's exactly like The Wreck of the Hesperus.

Number One: And now the final ordeal: The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... with paddles. [leads Homer a third time]

[After being rejected by the new club, Homer takes matters into his own hands and replaces the members with monkeys]

Homer: Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.

[camera pulls back to reveal scattered, costumed and drunk monkeys]

Marge: [walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites.

Homer: Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.

Marge: Oh, Homey. You know, you "are" a member of a very exclusive club.

Homer: Black panthers?

Marge: No, the family Simpson, which has just five members - and only two of those members have special rings.

Bart and Lisa: Yeah!

[they blow on their whistle rings]

Marge: I meant our wedding rings!

And Maggie Makes Three

Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!

[starts playing the bongos on Burns' head]

Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

[Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing]

Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.

Chief Wiggum: [driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.

Homer: [thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.

[Kwik-E-Mart]

Apu: Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.

Homer: [still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.

[Moe's Tavern]

Moe: Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

Homer: [confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

Homer: [barges door] Man, it's windy as hell out there! [notices baby shower] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, [examines a piece of baby clothes] with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. [little oblivious] Well... I'll be in the tub. [walks upstairs]

Maude Flanders: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Homer: New job..? Marge is pregnant?! [snap one hair off] NO! [laughs hysterically] [runs upstairs]

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]

Marge: Bart, let your father tell the story!

Homer: Yeah!

Bart: Okay, but I know funny.

[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]

Homer: Of course!

[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]

Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Lisa: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!

Marge: That's what really happened.

Lisa: Oh.

[At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.]

Mayor Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.

Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.

Mayor Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]

Homer: Awww, it's a boy. [looking down] And what a boy!

Dr. Hibbert: Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.

Bart's Comet

Principal Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.

Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]

[two fighter planes fly overhead]

Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.

[screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"; screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]

Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane]

Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care!

Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.

[their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]

[a slide shows the comet impact, showing Moe's bar in the center]

Moe: Oh, dear God, no!

Quimby: Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink?

Frink: Mu-hi. Good evening, ladies and—

Man: Quit stalling! What's the plan?!

Frink: Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat. [removes cloth, to a scale model of Springfield] Now, working with former Carter-administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement—for various reasons which we won't go here, okay?—we have planned this defense for the city. [flips switch] As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it, and blow it to smithereens. Ma-hyvin! [explodes. Flames land onto Moe's bar]

Moe: Oh, dear God, no!

Kent Brockman: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.

Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of—

Congressman: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill—$30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-prevert(sic) bill? [entire Congress boos] Bill defeated. [gavel]

Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

[The comet hits the atmosphere over Springfield, crumbling until it lands as a harmless rock smaller than a nearby Chihuahua's head.]

Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet.

Bart: But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.

Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.

Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Homie the Clown

[Krusty is doing a lecture on clown pants]

Krusty: Okay, we'll start off with baggy pwha –? Those are supposed to be baggy pants. BAGGY!

Homer: Ohh! I've never had a pair of pants that fit this well in my life.

[Krusty is doing a lecture on balloons]

Krusty: These Krusty brand balloons are 3 bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's that gonna cost ya? [to his accontant] Hey, Bill, what'd that cost us?

Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!

[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]

Homer: [takes notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

Accountant: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name, and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?

Krusty the Clown: Ohh, I thought the Generals were due. [TV shows a Globetrotter spinning the ball as Generals watch] He spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball! [the Globetrotter kicks it into the net behind him] That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sakes.

[Homer is using a pickaxe to punch holes in the hood of his car]

Ned Flanders: Whatcha diddly doin', neighbor?

Homer: I'm puttin' speed holes in my car; makes it go faster.

Ned: Is that so? Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders mobile could use- [Ned is shot, falls to the ground] Agghh! [gets back up] Wow, lucky I always keep a Bible close to my heart and- [Ned is shot again] D'a-oh! [gets back up] Ho-ho-hoh, lucky I was wearing this extra-large piece of the true cross today. I think I'll go inside. [runs with Bible. A bullet hits the pickaxe causing the head to spin]

Homer: What keeps doing that? [to a limo]

Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets. Lets just grab 'em.

[Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts.]

Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!

Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!

Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

[While being lead into the mobsters club]

Homer: Benedict Arnold!

Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Homer: D'oh!

Bart vs. Australia

Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.

Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?

Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ... [stares at Bart] this line.

Bart: So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?

Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.

Bart: [impressed] Cool!

[Bart has made a phone call to the president of an unknown South American country]

Aide: Please to repeat again, so I can translating for the el presidente.

Bart: [on the phone] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

Aide: [gasps, in Spanish with English subtitles] ¡Él dice que las mareas están cambiando! (He says the tides are turning!)

President: [gasps] ¡Ay carumba! ¡Entonces los rebeldes pronto se llevará a la capital! ¡Necessito huir! (Oh, no! Then the rebels will soon take the Capital! I must flee!) Yaaiiee! [President jumps out the window]

[Homer is reading the phone bill]

Homer: Burkino Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?

Homer's Brain: Quiet, it might be you, I can't remember.

Homer: No, I'm gonna ask Marge.

Homer's Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Homer: [after writing a check] Ohhhh...

Bart: Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

Homer: That's no reason to block the TV.

[As the family leaves the compound, they pass a sign reading "You are now entering Australia".]

Bart: Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.

Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.

Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!

Bart: I get it, Dad.

Homer: Australia! America!

Marge: Homer, that's enough.

Homer: Australia! America!

[The Marine decks Homer, knocking him down.]

Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife. (takes out spoon.)

Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.

Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

[in a bar]

Homer: Ooh! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [the bartender lifts a can of Foster's the size of a half keg in front of him]

Bartender: Something wrong, Yank?

Homer: [disappointed] Noo... It's pretty big, I guess.

Marge: I just have a cup of coffee.

Bartender: Beer it is.

Marge: No, I said coffee.

Bartender: Beer?

Marge: Cof-fee.

Bartender: [still not understanding] Be-ear?

Marge: C-O...

Bartender: B-E...

Store Owner: [sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.

Clerk: They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.

Marge: We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.

Clerk: What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".

Homer vs. Patty & Selma

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?

Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

[Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed, meaning Homer is no longer bound by agreement to be subservient to his in-laws.]

Marge: Homer, is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters?

Homer: I don't know, Marge. I can't be expected to keep track of all wheelings and dealings.

Patty: He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns.

Homer: [gasps] You told!

[Homer throws Patty outside first then accidentally throws Marge by mistake; Homer runs to get Marge into the house.]

Homer: Sorry, Marge. (kiss) [Homer then throws out Selma] I never want to see you again! You either.

Lisa: Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'?

Homer: Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job.

Lisa: Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival.

Homer: Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

[In the gym, almost everyone has signed up for a sport. Bart looks around and sees how late he is. Lisa, Nelson and Milhouse faces him after he arrives in school.]

Bart: Oh, no, it's PE signup day!

Lisa:[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.

Milhouse: Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] -oof!

Nelson: So did Tae Kwon Do.

[as Bart runs away from the school bullies]

Ballet teacher: Use the ballet!

[Bart runs first to the lap running booth, but it's full. It's the same deal with the pushup course. Even "gender issues in sport" is full. Skinner puts a hand on Bart's shoulder.]

Skinner: Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. [ballet]

Bart: Ballet?! Dancing is for girls.

Skinner:[clearly enjoying his revenge on Bart] Well, you should have gotten here earlier.

A Star is Burns

Sherman: First, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Rainier Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called McBain: Let's Get Silly.

[Footage is shown]

McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.

Audience Member 1: You suck, McBain!

[McBain pulls out an automatic rifle, cocks it and fires random bursts into the crowd]

McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression. "I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls."

Audience Member 2: Hey, that really sucked!

[McBain hurls a grenade into the audience]

[Back in the studio]

Wolfcastle: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Sherman: [disgusted] How do you sleep at night?

Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.

Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh.

Wolfcastle: [looking at his feet] On closer inspection, these are Loafers.

(Bart is watching TV)

TV Announcer: Coming up next, The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons.

Bart: Uh-oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover.

Homer: [enters] Bart Simpson, meet Jay Sherman, the critic.

Sherman: Hello.

Bart: Hey, man, I really love your show! I think all kids should watch it! [shudders] I suddenly feel so dirty.

(Bart's introduction of his short film)

Bart: Hello, I'm Bart Simpson. In the past, I've brought you such classic films as Homer in the Shower and Homer on the Toilet. And now, I give you, The Eternal Struggle.

Homer: "Relaxed fit," my Aunt Fanny! Stupid Dockers! Oh, the belt is buckled. Heh heh... [struggles more]

Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg!

Smithers: He's unavailable.

Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent! [shortly afterwards...] Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Spielbergo: Er, Schindler es bueno, Señor Burns es el diablo.

Mr Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit. Now get out there and win me that festival!

[Burns is seated in an auditorium.]

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

Burns: Excellent.

[Anthony Hopkins is wheeled in restrained a la Hannibal Lecter]

Hopkins: Excellent. [hisses]

Burns: Next!

[William Shatner appears, dressed as Captain Kirk]

Shatner: Ex...cel-lent!

Burns: Next!

Homer: Exactly. Heh, heh...d'oh!

Burns: Next!

Chespirito: Excellente!

Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.

Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Moe: Money get ya one more round

Drink it down, you stupid clown

Money get ya one more round

You're out on your ass. [falls behind] Whoa! AHH, MY BACK!

Homer:[laughing hysterically, but Marge and Jay are clearly displeased] This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000.

Jay: This isn't "America's Funniest Home Videos".

Homer: But...the ball! His groin! Ah ha! It works on so many levels! [laughs more] Roll it again.

(During Barney's tragic movie about his alcoholism: Barney is at an AA meeting in an unidentified room. He stands up)

Barney: My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

(cut to reveal that Barney is actually in a Girl Scout troop meeting with Lisa as one of the members)

Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!

Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers: Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?

All: Boo!

Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns."

Jay Sherman: No Homer, I won't make fun, but I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin, with a football. (BWOING!)

Nelson: [offscreen] HA-HA!

Homer: [thinking] 'Hmm... Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.'

Barney: [onscreen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

Homer: Wow. I'll never drink another beer.

Man: Beer here!

Homer: I'll take ten.

Barney: I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]

Barney: Just hook it to my veins!

[the truck driver prepares an I.V]

[Six months later at the Academy Awards Show]

Wolfcastle: And the Oscar goes to...

Mr. Burns: I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".

[Burns stews in fury, while everyone applauds. A screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin.]

Scott:[doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Lisa's Wedding

Marge: How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Homer: OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.

Marge: Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.

Homer: [looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Homer: So, this driving on the left makes you feel more at home, huh, Hugh?

Hugh: You know, I rather like this pub.

Moe: Oho, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.

Hugh: Oh, yeah well, we saved your arse in World War III.

Moe: That's true.

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds

Homer: Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.

Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

Mr. Burns: Yes...but not completely full. For you see...

[singing] Some men hunt for sport

Others hunt for food

The only thing I'm hunting for...

is an outfit that looks good

[to the tune "Be Our Guest"]

See...my...vest, see my vest

made from real gorilla chest

See this sweater? There's no better

than authentic Irish Setter

See this hat? 'Twas my cat

My evening wear, vampire bat

These white slippers are albino

African endangered rhino

Grizzly-bear underwear

Turtle's necks I've got my share

Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest

Try my red robin suit,

it comes one breast or two

See my vest, see my vest,

See my vest

Like my loafers? Former gophers

It was that or skin my chauffeurs

But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best

So, let's prepare these dogs

Old Woman: Kill two for matching clogs

Mr. Burns: See my vest... see my vest

Oh please, won't you see my vest?

[spoken] I really like the vest.

Smithers: I gathered, yeah.

Marge: Okay, you can go out and play, but no more you-know-what in front of the house, all right? [done anyway] Hey! What did I just say?!

The PTA Disbands!

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Principal Skinner: She did?

Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour, you're being totally unfair and the teachers won't stand for it.

Principal Skinner: Teachers, you don't have the guts to strike!

Mrs. Krabappel: You don't have the guts to takes us on.

[both walk away, Bart emerges from one of the lockers and imitates a chicken clucking, he hides again as Skinner and Krabappel turn to face each other]

Principal Skinner: That's it!

Mrs. Krabappel: STEEEE-RIKE!

[cut to Miss Hoover's classroom, Skinner and Krabappel are heard on the intercom fighting for control of the microphone]

Principal Skinner: [via intercom] Attention, this is an emergency broadcast, all is well within the school. My authority as principal is total... [Krabappel snatches the microphone back from him] No, give me that...

Mrs. Krabappel: [via intercom] Attention teachers, we're on strike. Ha!

[children in Miss Hoover's children begin to mumur in excitement]

Lisa: Oh no, strike?

Ralph: Miss Hoover, are you on...

[Miss Hoover is shown driving off in her car, throwing papers out of it]

Miss Hoover: Go home, children!

Bart: Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute.

[muttering as the teachers pass the message along; one teacher runs forwards]

Teacher: Skinner says the teachers will crack at any minute, purple monkey dishwasher.

Mrs. Krabappel: Well we'll show him...especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" comment.

Jasper: Talkin' out of turn... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window... That's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals... That's a paddlin'. Paddling the school canoe... Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.

[Moe is teaching Bart's class during the teachers' strike]

Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?

[The kids laugh at him]

Moe: Alright, settle down. Anita Bath here?

[the laughing continues]

Moe: Alright, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, Kids? Well, children, I can't help that!

[Moe runs out crying. Bart then crosses Moe's name off a list of substitute teachers. Milhouse is impressed]

Milhouse: Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.

Bart: In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

[Skinner shows up furious with Bart's class]

Skinner: Well, children, I don't know what you did to all those substitutes, but it's going to stop now. Leopold!

[Vice Superintendent Leopold quickly walks in and intimidates Bart's class.]

Leopold: All right, you listen up, you little "freaks"! The fun stops here: you're going to shut your stinking traps and behave, dammit! This is one substitute you're not going to screw with!

[Martin and Wendell swallow uncomfortably]

Leopold:[politely] ...Marge Simpson!

[Marge happily walks in and Bart swallows uncomfortably.]

Marge: Hi, class! Hi Bart...over here, sweetie. It's me, Mom. Hi! Hey! Hello?

[Bart groans in embarrassment as his class [save for Milhouse] laughs at him.]

[Bart makes his case clear to Marge]

Bart: Look, Mom, it feels really weird having you on my turf. How would you feel if I started mopping the floor?

Marge: I'd be thrilled. You can start right now.

Bart: [angry] D'oh!

Marge: And I'm going to keep teaching your class, like it or lump it.

Bart: Well, then, I guess I'll just have to get into the crawlspace again.

[Bart is disgusted that Marge isn't listening to him about not teaching his class and runs off in the crawlspace to hide from her]

Marge: I hate it when he [Bart] gets in there.

[She pounds the wall with a broom, while Bart refuses to leave.]'

'Round Springfield

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tongue depressors off the floor.]

Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?

Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.

[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]

Groundskeeper Willie: Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

Homer: Man, these are primo seats. I could really go for a hotdog.

Marge: Homer, this is an operation!

Vendor: Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!

Homer: Woo-hoo!

[Barney walks out of the Detox center into the Retox center]

Barney: Hey Moe, what'll ya give me for an AA chip?

Moe: Uh Barney, this is a 5-minute chip. Eh, it's worth a Pabst.

Homer: Lisa, honey, are you going to be okay?

Lisa: Bleeding Gums was my hero and I never got to tell him how I felt.

Homer: Oh, I'm sure he knew, and I'm sure that wherever he is now, he's happy.

Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do.

[Maggie gives Lisa a pacifier]

Lisa: Thank you. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?

Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.

Lisa: Uh huh.

Homer: Remember, honey?

Lisa: Yeah.

Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

Lisa: [wailing] Oh, Dad! [weeps]

Lisa: And I won't rest until all of Springfield knows the name Bleeding Gums Murphy!

Homer: And I won't rest until I've gotten a hotdog.

Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.

Vendor: Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs here!

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around?

Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

[Lisa feels sad for the loss of his friend, so Homer tells her]

Homer: Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo, it preserve the things you love. [Homer looks the tattoo on his arm] "Starland Vocal Band"? They suck!

Abe: [points at birdbath] Deeaaaaath!

[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]

Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor the memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy!

Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well, why didn't you say so?

[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

Murphy: You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa.

Mufasa: You must avenge my death, Kimba - I mean, Simba.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.

James Earl Jones: This is CNN.

Murphy: Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying goodbye to Lisa!

Mufasa/Vader/Jones: We're sorry.

The Springfield Connection

[Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians.]

Chief Wiggum: (Tutting) You missed the baby, the blind man...

Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz.

Hutz: I'll have you know the contents in that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

Marge: I just wanted to say hello.

Hutz: Oh. Hello..heh... [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents in the dumpster]

Lisa: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?

Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! [uses a hand puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!

Homer: Shush, dear. You'll wreck daddy's fun.

Ned: [singing] Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in ... [gasps] Oh, my Lord! Something horrible has happened!

Homer: [uncontrollably laughing] Fooled you, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead!

Lemon of Troy

Bart: Hey, quit saying bad stuff about my town, man!

Shelby: Why don't you make me?

Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.

Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: Takes one to know one!

Database: Checkmate!

Martin: Okay, piglet, start squealing. Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade?

Boy: Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!

Brother: Hey, nobody hassles my little brother.

Martin: Hey! And no one manhandles the bosom child of Nelson Muntz! Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

[After several seconds, Nelson slowly emerges out of hiding from a tree]

Nelson: Aww, geez. I never hang out with him, normally.

[Nelson casually tosses the bully to the side, to the delight of Martin]

Martin: [skips around Nelson] Hark to the tale of Nelson...

And the boy he loved so dear...

[Nelson takes a swing at Martin, but misses]

Martin: They remain the best of friends for years and years and years.

Martin: Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

Milhouse: We'll never get the tree back now.

Bart: Keep your voices down, boys; we didn't come this far to get found out.

Homer: FOUND 'EM! YOU KIDS ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, RUNNING FROM HOME LIKE THAT!

Bart: They stole our lemon tree!

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)

Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school", and the word "exploded", I immediately thought of the word "Skinner"?!

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.

[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight]

Smithers: [horrified] Good God!

Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long.

Smithers: But sir, every plant and tree will die. Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting. The town's sundial will be useless. I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.

Mr. Burns: [gasps] I will not suffer this insubordination. There has been a shocking decline in the quantity and quality of your toadying, Waylon - and you will fall into line. Now!

Smithers: ...No. No Monty, I won't. Not until you step back from the brink of insanity.

Mr. Burns: I'll do no such thing! You're fired!

[Smithers leaves, dejected. Mr. Burns laughs evilly to himself and stomps through the scale model of the town like a [giant monster].]

Mr. Burns: Take that, Bowl-A-Rama! Take that, convenience mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Pl... Oh, fiddlesticks.

Mr. Burns: Ah, soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid. Almost sexual, isn't it, Smithers?

Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second? [Bart and Lisa run like hell. Homer stands up, hacks a gust of air] F—

[...]

Flanders: Good God! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

[Moe's tavern is completely full of black smoke from Mr. Burns's oil well and everyone inside is getting sick]

Barney: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure I'm dizzy and nauseous, but where is the inflated sense of self-esteem? [a barfly babbles indistinctly, collapses]

Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting get loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya. [a man and a woman in chemical suits come in]

Man: Man alive! There are..men alive in here.

Woman: I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. [Barney burps. The meter rapidly beeps]

Man: Alright, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.

Moe: Damn Burns. Let me just get one thing. [grabs under and cocks shotgun and leaves]

Barney: Me too. [grabs pistol under bar stool] Aaaahhhh...! Now, there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

[points at viewer as if he's breaking the fourth wall; camera zooms out to reveal he's actually pointing at Chief Wiggum]

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?

TO BE CONTINUED...


	32. Chapter 32 Simpsons Marathon

The Simpsons Season 7

Contents [hide]

1 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)

2 Radioactive Man

3 Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

4 Bart Sells His Soul

5 Lisa the Vegetarian

6 Treehouse of Horror VI

7 King-Size Homer

8 Mother Simpson

9 Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming

10 The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular

11 Marge Be Not Proud

12 Team Homer

13 Two Bad Neighbors

14 Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield

15 Bart the Fink

16 Lisa the Iconoclast

17 Homer the Smithers

18 The Day the Violence Died

19 A Fish Called Selma

20 Bart on the Road

21 22 Short Films About Springfield

22 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

23 Much Apu About Nothing

24 Homerpalooza

25 Summer of 4 Ft. 2

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)[edit]

[Smithers sits in a confessional.]

Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] Who shot Mr. Burns!

[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol.]

Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe: No. [buzz, red light] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! [ding, green light]

Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.

Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

[Homer is pointing Chief Wiggum's gun at Mr. Burns's forehead]

Homer: Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you! ...before.

Mr. Burns: [unaware] Shot? By you my primitive friend, I'm afraid not. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to correctly operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...[scans the crowd; screams] MAGGIE SIMPSON!

Radioactive Man[edit]

[Hollywood. Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield"]

Executive producer: All right. This town must be hot. They don't need a large ad or even correct spelling! [buzzes his secretary] Get me two tickets for whatever state Springfield is in!

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.

Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Bart: You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.

Lionel Hutz: [to Milhouse] And your drug dealurr uh keeper awayer.

Rainer Wolfcastle: (as a wave of sulfuric acid washes over him) MY EYES! The goggles do nothing!

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily[edit]

Marge: This is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.

Homer: Hehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.

Mafia Guy: [off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.

Marge: Hm?

[Bart and Lisa have been taken by Social Welfare and are taken to the Flanders' house.]

Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!

Grampa: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...

Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. I wear the same stupid sweater everyday at-

Homer: The Springfield River!

Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?

Homer: [blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

Ned: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?

Homer: (nastily) I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!"

Ned: Oh, fair enough.

Ned Flanders: Hi-dily ho, neglect-a-renos

Bart Sells His Soul[edit]

Homer: Hey, Marge. Remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

Marge: [giggles before shushing a giggling Homer]

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coal and drink naught but burning hot cola...

Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

[A raven outside crows menacingly.]

Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart: [angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Reverend Lovejoy: For your punishment you are going to clean every one of the pipes of the pipe organ which you have befouled with your music.

Reverend Lovejoy departs; Bart and Milhouse start cleaning

Bart: Milhouse, I cannot believe you ratted me out.

Milhouse: Sorry about that Bart, but I did not want birds eating my soul.

Bart: You actually fell for that? There is no such thing as a soul. It is just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Moe: The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Homer: Forty seconds?! But I want it now!

Homeless Man: Alfred Hitchcock stole every idea I ever had!

[Pieces of Uncle Moe's family feedbag are being taken away]

Moe: Get rid of it all.

Barney: Hey Moe, you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.

Moe: Nah, too many bad memories.

[Lisa in his brother's room after giving Bart his soul back]

Lisa: But you know Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul. [Bart eats the paper] That you have to earn one through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.

Lisa the Vegetarian[edit]

[chasing the runaway pig for the barbecue]

Homer: It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!

[it passes through traffic, jumps a bridge and lands in the water]

Homer: It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!

[it gets caught into the dam spillway, and when the pressure builds, it shoots into the sky]

Homer: It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!

Bart: It's gone.

Homer: I know.

[at Mr. Burns' office]

Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!

[they both laugh, the pig flies across the power plant and they are stopped beyond belief]

Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

Mr. Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.

[later in Storytown Village]

Father Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."

Mother Bear: [distorted due to technical problems]

Baby Bear: "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."

Abe: [gets up] Well, I'm sorry, but it was 150 degrees in the car!

[at Skinner's office]

Skinner: Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

Willie: I WARNED YA! Didn't I warn ya!? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

[During "The Meat Council Presents: Meat and You: Partners in Freedom", Number 3F03 in the "Resistance is Useless" series.]'

Jimmy: Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?

Troy McClure: [laughing] No, Jimmy, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. Just ask this scientitian.

Scientist: Uhhh...

Troy McClure: He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Jimmy: Wow, Mr. McClure, I was a Grade A Moron to ever question eating meat.

Troy McClure: Ha Ha Ha Ha... Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were. [playfully rubs Jimmy's head]

Jimmy: You're hurting me...

Treehouse of Horror VI[edit]

Homer: (laughs) I've got your doughnut, Lard Lad! And what are you going to do about it?

[The Zip Boys mascots come to life]

Old Jewish Man: Fellas! Where are you going at this hour? [their heads, being so huge, fall to the ground under their own weight and they drag them away] Hey! Don't scratch up them heads!

[Seeing a very tall man Chief Wiggum pulls out his gun and shoots him]

Wiggum: Aw, they're not so tough.

Lou: Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Wiggum: Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster, though.

Lisa: Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Abe: Eh, welcome to my world! [falls asleep]

Homer's Brain: [as he enters the 3rd dimension] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation.

Homer: Holy macaroni!

[Lard Lad's giant donut is in the middle of the Simpsons' living room, along with Homer lying in the center of it. The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by the angry face of Lard Lad]

Homer: Hello? Yes? Oh...if you're looking for that giant donut, uh..Flanders has it. Just go smash open his house. [Homer closes the door as loud footsteps trail off] He came to life. Good for him. [smashing is heard as the screen shakes, and footsteps are heard hurriedly heading back to the Simpsons home. The doorbell rings, Homer answers and is greeted by the same angrier Lard Lad]

Ned: [running in the background] Help me Lord!

Homer: I told you, Flanders has it! Or Moe. Go kill Moe.

[Homer drives through an alley of Advertisements. Lardlad Donuts is Homer's Favorite]"

Homer: Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single Church or Library to offend the Eye. There it is! The chain that put the "fat" in "fat Southern Sheriffs".

King-Size Homer[edit]

Homer: "Explosion imminent". [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] Oh, my God! The plant's going to explode!

[Power Plant. Carl and Lenny walk past the rumbling tank without a clue]

Carl: Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo.

Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

Homer: Wait! I know! [types] Vent gas. "Pressure too high"? "Tank must be shut down manually"? [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I've never put you in charge! [strangles a bit] Why you... Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault! [the bird nods] I gotta call the plant and warn them! [grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at a time]

Recording: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Homer: Aghh! [runs to the car] I'm going to have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me now! [jumps in car; tires blow out] D'oh! [jumps on skateboard; snaps in half] Oh-oh!

Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!

Worker 1: I'll take a rocket pop!

Worker 2: What can I get for thirty cents?!

Homer: Let go! I've got to get to the tank! [the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out]

Worker 3: Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.

[Last lines of episode]

Mr. Burns: Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!

Lisa: I still consider it ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

Bart: And I consider it ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-

Marge: Bart!

Mr. Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know. [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them]

Homer: Can you please make me thin again?

Mr. Burns: I guarantee it.

[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are now the only ones at plant. Mr. Burns is frustrated by Homer's girth and straining himself to do sit-ups]

Mr. Burns: One. One. One! [throws down his megaphone in frustration] Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: 'Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay ho-ome, na-na-na-na-na!

Lisa: I like school.

Homer: Well, why don't you live in it then?

Lisa: I would if I could.

[Bart fantasizes about being as fat as Homer and being on Workman's Compensation.]

Bart: [Showing a rag on a stick] (southern accent) I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

[The members of the press all applaud Bart.]

[Homer weighs himself a second time - the scales read 225.]

Homer: 225?! That means I lost weight!

Bart: Uh, Homer... you're on the towel rack.

[Homer takes his flabby tummy off the towel rack. The scales then read 296.]

Homer: Woo-hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true - working at home...

[The scales read 299.]

Homer: Oh! I've got 15 minutes to gain a pound or I'll have to face another day at work!

Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We've even ran out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and drank all the soy sauce.

Homer: I need a miracle.

Maggie: [Handing Homer a Play-Doh donut]

Homer: Oh, honey, that looks like a real donut.

Bart: Dad! It says 'non-toxic'!

Homer: Well, that's a plus. [eating the Play-Doh donut]

[The scales go just over 300.]

Homer: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo! I did it!

Bart: Uh, Dad - towel rack!

Homer: [after getting his stomach off the towel rack, the scales read 315] (giggling) Oh my.

Mother Simpson[edit]

[After Homer has seemingly been sucked to his death in a hydro-electric turbine]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?

Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. [tearfully] One of the finest, bravest men to ever grace Sector 7-G... [calmly] I'll cross him off the list.

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]

Homer: Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I never visit, I'm just not a cemetery person. [reads tombstone engraving] "Here...lies..."

[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]

Homer: Walt Whitman?! Arrrrgggghh! Damn you, Walt Whitman! [kicking the stone] I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! Leaves of Grass, my ass!

[The FBI storm the Simpson house, looking for Mona.]

Friday: Freeze. FBI. The jig is up.

Grandpa: Alright, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby! Wah! Wah! Goo-goo. I missed my fly-fly, dada!

Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?

Grandpa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Chief Wiggum: [Reading Homer's tombstone upside down] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Yea better start with Greek Town.

Grampa: [to Mona] Well, what do you expect?! You left me to raise the boy on my own!

Mona: [to Grampa] I had to leave! You didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!

Grampa: It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never, ever forgive you! (beat) Can we have sex? Please?

[In the post office]

Mr. Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?

Mona: [as she is leaving] Don't worry, Homer. You will always be a part of me. [hits her head on the van] D'oh!

Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming[edit]

[As the Simpsons enter the air show the squeaky voiced teen is standing at the gate in an Air Force uniform, directing traffic.]

Bart: Way to guard the parking lot, top gun.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I have three medals for this!

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]

Bart: Look at that hunk of junk.

Grampa: [sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.

Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?

Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

Sideshow Bob: [speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

Moe: What?

Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH1.

Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!

Homer: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing; I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Mayor Quimby: Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?

Colonel: No need, sir. We'll find that head case faster than Garfield finds lasagne. [pause] Oh..I'm..sorry. My wife thought that was gang busters.

The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular[edit]

[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]

Bart: I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.

[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]

Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.

Bart: Changed my mind, sorry.

[Devil Flanders vanishes.]

Bart: Cooooool...

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]

Homer: Bart, you're coming home!

Bart: I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns: (threateningly) I suggest you leave immediately.

Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!

Mr. Burns: "My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!

(Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer)

Robotic Simmons: Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!

(A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty")

Robotic Simmons: Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. (continues dancing)

Mr. Burns: Smithers, he's out of control!

Smithers: I'll take him out, sir. (extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye soon reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently)

Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!

(Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate)

[One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?.]

Lisa: And, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S, Waylon Smithers.

[People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mr. Burns.]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut.

Smithers: Aww!

Troy McClure: But, of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence (chuckles) and that would be downright nutty!

Marge Be Not Proud[edit]

[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of Bonestorm, he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]

Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the Bonestorm.

Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!

Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.

Lee Carvallo: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?

Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! Take it!

[Lee Carvallo's putting challenge during the closing credits.]

Lee Carvallo: Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Please select club.

You have selected... 3-wood. May I suggest... putter?

3-wood. Now select force of swing. May I suggest, feather touch?

You have selected Power drive! Press 7-8-7 to swing.

Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again?

You have selected... no.

[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]

Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents.

Comic Book Guy: [sighs] Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's yours. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.] Eh-eh-eh-! Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.

Bart: Then may I please rent it, please?

Comic Book Guy: No, you may not. I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.

Milhouse: This is great, and all I've done is enter my name - Thrillhouse! [TV screen shows 'WELCOME THRILLHO']

Bart: [walking in] Say, cool dude, can I play too?

Milhouse: Uh, uh... it's only a one player game.

Bart: Then how come it says 'second player score'?

Milhouse: Mom, Bart's swearing!

Bart: Hey, how come you're not playing 'Bonestorm'?

Milhouse: Ehh... it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now! [laughing] You never know which way this crazy ball's gonna go!

Bart: Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing your video game.

Milhouse: [giving Bart the video game] Here, go ahead.

Bart: No, let me try the cup and ball.

Milhouse: Get your own!

Bart: Come on! Don't be a cup-and-ball hog!

Milhouse: Hey! Give it! That's mine!

[Bart and Milhouse fight for the cup-and-ball.]

Milhouse: MOM! BART'S SMOKING!

Marge: What's the matter with your face? Is that a fake nose? Are you wearing chin putty?

Bart: I don't have to listen of these wild allegations! (chin putty falls off and lands near Santa's Little Helper. He eats it)

Marge: Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo. (Shows Bart three of their last Christmas photos: one with Bart making a cross-eyed funny face, another with Bart using a comb to simulate a Hitler mustache, and a third with Bart holding a cardboard speech bubble that reads, "I stink!" next to Homer)

Homer: Hey, I don't remember saying that!

[Marge exits the bathroom and joins Homer who's wearing half-moon glasses. He has found a proper punishment for Bart, while she is still distraught by his shoplifting at Try 'n' Save.]

Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.

Marge: I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine.

[looks at a handprint of "Bart, age 4"]

Homer: Ehh, what are you going to do?

Marge: [pause] Mmm. He's not my little baby anymore. Maybe I mother him too much.

Team Homer[edit]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.

Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?

Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Marge: Homer, watch your mouth!

Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. [hangs up]

Mr. Burns: I would like to join your bowling team.

Homer: You want to join my what?

Smithers: You want to what his team?

Homer: Hey, everybody! If you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dying or something! [Hans Moleman enters Burns' office]

Hans: Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.

Burns: Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. [grabs a drill near Moleman's head. Cut outside of office]

Hans: [offscreen] Oh no, my brains...

Two Bad Neighbors[edit]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

Grampa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

Marge: Grandpa, we know in your day, spanking was common. But Homer and I don't believe in that kind of discipline!

Grandpa: And that's why your no-good kids are running wild!

[He points over at Lisa, in a beanbag chair, reading. She looks up, confused.]

[Homer watches Bush go jogging past with Reverend Lovejoy, Dr. Hibbert, and Lenny]

Homer: Huh. Look at those phonies, sucking up to Bush. [Santa's Little Helper barks and runs off after them] I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. [laughs]

Homer's Brain: Well there it is, Homer: the cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: [picks up a toy pistol] Well, we don't need this.

Homer: [ecstatic] Whic- Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights fashion gun! [holds a leather jacket] I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing.

Marge: Who's Disco Stu?

Homer: Uhh, I wanted to write "Disco Stud", but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action!

[Seeing Homer's Disco Stu jacket]

Man: Hey Stu, you aught to buy this.

Disco Stu: Hey, Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Homer: [singing, to the tune of "Big Spender"] Hey big spender! Dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders! Hey big spender!

Crowd: [singing] We surrender!

Homer: [singing] Spe-e-e-e-e-end some dough at table three!

[crowd applauds]

Homer: Thank you neighbors, thank you! Now let's give it up for table five! [singing, to the tune of "Stayin' Alive"] Ah, ah, ah, ah, table five, table five! Ah, ah, ah, ah, table fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-ive...

Stu: [after Homer stops] Disco Stu likes disco music.

Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield[edit]

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!

Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!

Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one. And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny.

[Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Smithers on their surveillance cameras.]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?

Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.

Smithers: That was very thoughtful of you, sir.

Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his [imitating Nixon] "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!" [normal voice] Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?

Smithers: Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.

Homer: But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "You're making a scene."

Mr. Burns: Use an open faced club. A sand wedge.

Homer: Mmm, open faced club sandwich.

[Homer is putting the wrong score on his card]

Tom Kite: Hey the point of cheating at golf is to lower your score.

[After making a great shot]

Tom Kite: Great shot Homer.

Homer: You really think so?

Tom: Yeah. Now all you need is your own set of clubs. And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.

Bart the Fink[edit]

Bart: Boy, I sure I could have a hundred tacos right about now.

Marge: No! [yanks Bart. Comic Book Guy exits with a wheelbarrow full of tacos]

Comic Book Guy: Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

[A series of IRS agents investigate Krusty's check, then place a call to his bank in the Cayman Islands.]

Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager: [chuckles] Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. [hangs up phone] ...Oh crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was secret... Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal! [sits back, fanning himself] Ah, it's too hot today.

[Krusty is being audited by the IRS.]

Krusty: Oh, I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!

IRS Agent #1: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail; we're just going to garnish your salary.

Krusty: Garnish my celery?!

IRS Agent #1: Please, Krusty, no jokes.

Krusty: Who's joking?! [sobs] Oh, I don't know what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!

IRS Agent #2: It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until your debt is repaid. Say, 75% for 40 years.

Krusty: But I don't plan to live that long!

IRS Agent #1: Better make it 95%.

Krusty: Oh-hoh, boy!

Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn A Stooge."

Krusty: Who needs friends!? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [The GPS electrocutes Krusty. In a fury, he throws it overboard.] Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

[Krusty's show has been taken over by the IRS]

Krusty: I could sure go for a banana cream pie right about now. [Smacks his lips]

[An IRS agent backstage gestures that they don't have the money]

Krusty: I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well throw somethin'!

[IRS agent throws his briefcase and it hits Krusty in the eye]

Krusty: OW, THE CORNER!

[Skinner opens his front door and sees his mother with Superintendent Chalmers]

Skinner: Mother!

Agnes Skinner: Seymour!

Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers: Skinner?!

Skinner: What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...

[Krusty flies by in his plane, sobbing and looping out of control.]

Skinner: That'll do nicely.

[Bart blows up a Krusty balloon and the face is deformed]

Bart: Have you seen this man?

Sea Captain: Aye, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels.[Turns to the back door] Pete, ya got some customers!

[a dwarf whose face resembles Krusty's comes in and plays an accordion while dancing]

Lisa the Iconoclast[edit]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.

Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!

Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!

Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Homer the Smithers[edit]

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

[phone rings]

Homer: [answering] Hello, Mr. Burns' office.

Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Smithers: Montgomery Burns' office. Oh hello, Mrs Burns. I'll see if your son is available.

Homer: Mr Burns has a mother? She must be 100 million years old!

Smithers: [to Homer] She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell. [talks back to Mrs Burns] I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed. [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep] Uh-huh... okay, I'll give him the message. [hangs up] Mr Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.

Homer: [chuckling] Taft, you old dog!

Marge: Is there something wrong, Homie?

Homer: No.

Marge: Except?

Homer: Except... I killed Mr. Burns!

Lisa: What happened, Dad?

Homer: I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!

Lisa: Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.

Marge: Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.

Mr. Burns: Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic foods.

[Homer is helping Smithers to a taxi with his bags]

Smithers: Is there anything else you need to know? [gets in]

Homer: Uhh... What do I do in case of fire?

Smithers: [The window is rolled up and his voice is muffled] Sorry, can't hear you. [Taxi starts driving off] Good luck.

[Homer goes back to Mr. Burns's office and it is on fire]

Homer: Aww, just my luck.

Homer uses a fire extinguisher to quench the blaze in Mr. Burns office, which miraculously suffers no fire damage, nor is Mr. Burns even aware he was trapped in a fire

Mr. Burns: Good Lord Smithers, you look atrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.

Homer: Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.

Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct.

Mr. Burns: Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!

The Day the Violence Died[edit]

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.

Bart: Huh?

Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

[Watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy".]

Bart: What the hell is this?

Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.

Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

Roger Myers, Jr.: Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum (Chief Wiggum stares at Roger Meyers), Yogi Bear, hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from? (points to Marge in the galley): Her?

Marge: How about...Ghost Mutt?

A Fish Called Selma[edit]

First lines of episode

TV Announcer: Movie for a Rained-Out Ball Game presents The Muppets Go Medieval. Starring Dyan Cannon and Troy McClure.

Kermit the Frog: Foul villain, unhand that woman!

Miss Piggy: Quiet, frog!

Bart: What is a Muppet?

Homer: {chuckling} It is not quite a mop, and it is not a pet! To tell the truth, I don't know.

Troy McClure: {as black knight} Oh princess fair, wilst thou grant thee thine dainty hoof in marriage?

Bart: Hey, who is that leathery muppet?

Marge: He is not a Muppet. That is Troy McClure. Back in the 1970s he was quite the teen heartthrob.

Homer: Troy McClure? That guy's a freak!

Marge: What are you talking about?

Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...

Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!

Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...

Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

Bart on the Road[edit]

Homer: Doughnut?

Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Nelson: [in awe] What is this place?

Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

[Homer makes a crank call to Moes]

Homer: I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura?

Moe: Eura Snotball?

Homer: What?! How dare you?! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Homer: [after Lisa tells him about Bart's problem; his face turns a weird shade of red and he is unnervingly calm] Yes... that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

[He turns to the wall, puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out muffled obscenities, then removes the hood and turns to face Lisa, eerily calm again.]

Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

[Nelson tries to sell Milhouse's glasses in a pawn shop]

Pawnbroker: Hey these are just what I need to fix those antique coke bottles. [Starts counting money] Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred.[A blind Millhouse knocks over the display of coke bottles and breaks them]... Five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.

[Kicks them out of the store]

22 Short Films About Springfield[edit]

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.

Apu: Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.

Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.

Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...

Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers...

Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

[Principal Skinner's kitchen catches on fire in the middle of dinner with Superintendant Chalmers]

Principal Skinner: Oh well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, I really should be- [notices the fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?

Skinner: Aurora borealis.

Chalmers: [fed up] Aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?

Skinner: Yes.

Chalmers: [pause] May I see it?

Skinner: [pause] No.

[ Snake stops at a red light and sees Chief Wiggum crossing the street]

Wiggum: Doughnuts, I got doughnuts. I got, hey I know you.

[Snake wrecks his car while trying to run him down, then escapes on foot]

Wiggum: Hey come back, we gotta swap insurance info.

[Apu gets back to the Kwik-E-Mart and unlocks the door]

Hans Moleman: You took away 5 minutes of my life and I want them back.[Thinks for a second] Aww I'd only waste them anyway.

Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"[edit]

[Grandpa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns.]

Bart: Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grampa.

Grampa: The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

[Bart is impressed with Grandpa's past heroism.]

Bart: Grandpa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?

Grandpa: You're a give-em'-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education! You could have made sergeant!

Much Apu About Nothing[edit]

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

Homer: Please identify this object.

Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.

Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?

Apu: Because this particular flag is [chuckling] ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.

Homer: Uh... partial credit.

Proctor: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?

Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter—

Proctor: Wait, wait... just say slavery.

Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

Homerpalooza[edit]

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

[1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "Dancing".]

Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!

Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!

Grampa: What the hell are you two doing?!

Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.

Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... it'll happen to you!

Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!

[fades to the current timeline]

Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...

[During one of Homer's freak show performances.]

Teenager #1: Oh look, there's that cannonball guy. He's cool.

Teenager #2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?

Teenager #1: [after a pause] I don't even know any more...

[Homer informs Marge he want to join the Pageant of the Transmundane.]

Marge: So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.

Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge.

Marge: Of course you have a choice.

Homer: How do you figure?

Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.

Homer: You know Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

[Backstage at the Springfield Hullabalooza show, a backstage assistant enters with a group of musicians in tow.]

Backstage Assistant: May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction!

[The Cypress Hill members talk among themselves for a bit.]

B-Real: Uh, yeah, I think we did...um, do you guys know "Insane In The Membrane"?

Orchestra Player: We mainly play classical, but I suppose we could give it a shot...

[The track drops for "Insane In The Membrane", and Cypress Hill dance as the symphony orchestra starts to play its own interpretation.]

Marge: Now, this, I like.

Summer of 4 Ft. 2[edit]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?

Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.

Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store.]

Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what? Make it two.

Owner: My apologies, sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by— [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.

[Marge is looking through the grocery bag filled with embarrassing hygiene and sexual products Homer bought at the convenience store.]

Marge: Ew, Homer. Whatever you're planning for tonight, count me out. Didn't you buy any meat?

Homer: [patting the giant firework] Hee, hee, hee! This baby's sure to kill somethin'!

[After Lisa finds out that the beach kids decorated the family car with seashells.]

Homer: SWEET, MERCIFUL CRAP! My car!

Erin: So, you like hanging out?

Lisa: Well, it beats doin' stuff.

Erin: Totally. Stuff sucks.

The Simpsons Season 8

Contents [hide]

1 Treehouse of Horror VII

2 You Only Move Twice

3 The Homer They Fall

4 Burns, Baby Burns

5 Bart After Dark

6 A Milhouse Divided

7 Lisa's Date with Density

8 Hurricane Neddy

9 El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer

10 The Springfield Files

11 The Twisted World of Marge Simpson

12 Mountain of Madness

13 Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious

14 The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show

15 Homer's Phobia

16 Brother from Another Series

17 My Sister, My Sitter

18 Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment

19 Grade School Confidential

20 The Canine Mutiny

21 The Old Man and the Lisa

22 In Marge We Trust

23 Homer's Enemy

24 The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase

25 The Secret War of Lisa Simpson

Treehouse of Horror VII[edit]

Doctor Hibbert: Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... [dramatic] Siamese twins!

Lisa: I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins".

Doctor Hibbert: And Hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil", but it ain't gonna happen!

[Flashback is being shown in which Marge has given birth to Siamese twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]

Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one.

Doctor Hibbert: [voiceover from the present] A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil, it was then I knew the option was to separate you two immediately. [from the past] You both need to sign these. [voiceover from the present] But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. [Back in the present.] So we did the only humane thing.

Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge: It saved our marriage.

Kodos: [Disguised as Bill Clinton] I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos, who has taken on the form of Bill Clinton] Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.

Kang: [Disguised as Bob Dole] We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. [crowd cheers]

[After Kang and Kodos have been exposed]

Kodos: Yes, it's true; we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it?! It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us!

[The crowd mutters in consternation as they realize he's right]

Voter: Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate!

Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away!

[After Kang has been elected President and the aliens of Rigel 7 have enslaved Earth.]

Marge: I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. [alien whips him] D'oh!

You Only Move Twice[edit]

Smithers: What's wrong with this country. Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

[After the family has watched the video on Cyprus Creek]

Marge: It does seem nicer than Springfield.

Lisa: Yeah... did you notice how the people weren't shoving or knocking each other down? I've never been to a place like that before...

[Bart shoves her aside]

Bart: Me neither.

Apu: I am not interested in buying the house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. HA! Now you know how it feels!

Homer: Thank you, come again!

Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!

[throws them out the door.]

Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?

Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this. [presses a button, causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]

UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh my God, the 59th Street Bridge.

UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.

UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.

UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance.

Scorpio: [scoffs] "Collapsed on its own", you sch...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.

[Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.]

Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?

Homer: France.

Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

[Unseen by Homer, Scorpio has a James Bond-esque secret agent chained to a table under a laser, a la Goldfinger.]

Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it Mr. Bont?

Mr. Bont: [in an accent reminiscent of Connery] Scorpio, you're totally mad!

Scorpio: Ha, I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk!

Mr. Bont: So do you expect me to talk?

Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a cheap funeral.

Scorpio: If you wanna kill someone on the way out. It would help me out a lot.

The Homer They Fall[edit]

[Moe is leading Homer into the women's room of Moe's Tavern]

Homer: Wow, I've never been in here before.

Moe: Yeah, when I realized that there haven't been any women in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.

Marge: Homer, before you start boxing, I demand that you see a doctor.

Homer: Okay honey.

[Leaves the room]

Marge: A competent doctor.

Homer: [offscreen] D'oh!

Barney: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage. [drinks varnish]

Lucius Sweet: I need a body that can sustain verticality for 3 rounds.

Marge: Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Drederick Tatum?

Homer: [gulps] Uh, well, uh, I was gonna surprise you, but... happy anniversary, baby!

[On television, a monstrously strong Drederick Tatum exits a jail cell threateningly]

TV Announcer: Society put away Drederick Tatum for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now, he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson.

[A shot of Homer, staring blankly, and getting powerfully punched in the face by Tatum's boxing glove; Homer's head explodes and morphs into the words: "Tatum vs. Simpson: PAYBACK"]

Grampa and Bart: Yay!

Bart: Woo hoo!

Grampa: [to Maggie] That's your daddy.

Kent Brockman: [after being booed by the crowd at the fight] This just in: go to hell!

Marge: Somebody stop the fight! Where's the doctor?!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Kill him! Kill him!

[Moe has stopped the boxing match after Homer is nearly killed]

Lucius Sweet: You couldn't even give me one lousy round Moe. To me you will always be a loser now, take your check for $100,000 and get out of my sight.

[give Moe a check and walks away]

Moe: I don't need your stinkin' charity.

[Folds the check and puts it in his pocket]

Burns, Baby Burns[edit]

Larry: Hey, Casey Jones, where this train headed?

Conductor: Springfield.

Larry: Yeah, Yeah. What state?

Conductor: This train going to-

[Train whistle blows]

Larry: What I'm trying to say is-

Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!

Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Mr. Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.

Smithers: With pleasure, sir.

Larry: Wow this is some party. If it gets any livelier a funeral's gonna break out.

Larry: Me and Pops, we started out great. But now it's falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle!

Larry: Oh, we've got to find a place to hide.

Homer: The abandoned warehouse! [they enter the warehouse. Inside, people are busily working] D'oh! Stupid economic recovery.

Larry: Wow! This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

[Larry Burns is sitting at the buffet, like it's his own dinner table]

Larry: Pull up a seat Pops, you too Chuckles. The food ain't great, but the portions are terrific.

[The insulted chef glowers at him]

Larry: Hey I'm kiddin'. Give my regards to Mrs. Boyardee.

Larry: Hey, I got a wife an' kids. Oh, that reminds me. I told 'em I was going out for coffee. [Quickly looks at his watch] That was a week ago. They're probably wondering where I am.

Bart After Dark[edit]

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer: [dignified fashion] I have misplaced my pants.

[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]

Slide of Dr. Hibbert

Mrs. Hibbert: Julius!

Slide of Chief Wiggum

Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy!

Slide of Skinner

Chalmers: Skinner?

Agnes: Seymour!

Seymour: Mother...

Slide of Patty

Selma: (off-screen) Patty?

Slide of Cletus

Brandine: Cletus!

Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts

Moe: ... Oh, uh... Barney.

Slide of Chief Wiggum

Mrs. Wiggum: Clancy!

Chief Wiggum: Hey, come on, you did me twice.

Slide of Smithers

Mr. Burns: Smithers?

Smithers: My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash

Luanne Van Houten: Mayor Quimby!

Quimby: Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

[Homer storms into the Maison Derriere's main hall to give Belle a piece of his mind]

Homer: Hey Bart is my son and I don't want him working [a strip tease show begins in the background] so... late.

Belle: Oh I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.

Homer: [mesmerized by the show] Yes, everyone loves rules.

Belle: It's so hard to be a parent today. Why with all the gangs, and the drugs.

Homer: Oh yea drugs, drugs, ya gotta have drugs. [walks in to watch the show]

Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover.

Belle: Oh Bart, he's your father... We'll comp him tonight and start a tab tomorrow.

Homer: You could close down Moe's or the Kwik-E-Mart

And nobody would care

But the heart and soul of Springfield's inn

Our Maison Derrière...

Belle: We're the sauce on your steak

We're the cheese in your cake

We put the spring in Springfield

Showgirl 1: We're the lace on the nightgown

Showgirl 2: The point after touchdown

Belle/Showgirls: Yes, we put the spring in Springfield

Belle: We're that little extra spice that makes existence extra-nice

A giddy little thrill at a reasonable price

Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's with your total lack of morals

Showgirl 3: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad

Showgirls 3/4: They seem to entertain your dad!

Belle/Showgirls: The gin in your martini

The clams on your linguine

Yes, we put the (BOING!) in Springfield

Wiggum/Krusty/Skinner: We remember our first visit

Quimby: The service was exquisite

Ms. Quimby: Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Quimby: Come on now, you were working here

Abe/Jasper: Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted

Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: We just heard this place existeeeeed!

Showgirls: We're the highlights in your hairdo

Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu

Showgirls: So don't take the (BWONG!)

Men: We won't take the (VUUEH!)

Everyone: Yes, let's be the (DON!)

In Springfieeeeeld!

(SPLAT! DAHK! BONG! WOOGA! KRRRE! EHURP!)

A Milhouse Divided[edit]

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. If you want to join me, fine. (goes into the dining room and imitates a second voice) Hello Marge, how's the family? (in regular voice) I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!

Homer: Keep it down in there!

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?

Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Nelson: Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.

Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Ha-ha"?

Nelson: Oh, by no means. [sits down]: My dad left my mom when she got hooked on cough drops. By the end [voice breaks], her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.

Milhouse: Oh, so I guess I'm not alone.

Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid [slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney], but he got over it.

Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

Kirk: Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.

Homer: The one down the hall.

Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?

Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Kirk: Oh. Yeah.

Kirk: You're letting me go?

Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk, crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.

Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck?"

Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

Lisa's Date with Density[edit]

Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?

Lisa: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.

Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!

Class: Lisa likes Nelson!

Milhouse: She does not!

Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!

Janey: He does not!

Class: Janey likes Milhouse!

Uter: She does not!

Class: Uter likes Milhouse.

Mr. Dewey Largo: Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

(Milhouse passes Lisa's note to Nelson in class)

Nelson: (reads the note) "Guess who likes you?" (frowns, then looks back and finds Milhouse wiggling his eyebrows at him)

(cut to everyone standing outside as a beat-up, unconscious Milhouse is wheeled out of school and into an ambulance)

Lisa: (as Milhouse is being loaded into the ambulance) Milhouse, I'm so sorry!

Paramedic: He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.

Lisa: What?

Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.

Lisa: Mom...?

Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.

(Lisa and Nelson have their first kiss)

Lisa: (in her mind) My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like!

Nelson: (in his mind) This oughta shut her up! (pause) Hey, this ain't so bad...

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]

Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!

Jimbo: That is so gay!

(Homer finds his autodialer shot up)

Homer: Hey, who shot my autodialer? (realizes that the police are right behind him and sheepishly slides the busted autodialer away) I mean, "Marge's autodialer."

Chief Wiggum: (hands Homer a citation) See ya in court, Simpson. (goes to leave, then backs up) Oh, and bring that evidence with you. Otherwise, I got no case and you go scot-free.

Hurricane Neddy[edit]

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed.]

Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I... [sigh]

[Ned's poorly built, new house collapses.]

Homer: Aw, shoot. [Ned sighs and cleans his glasses. A lens snaps off, and Ned sighs again, and puts them on.]

Ned: Calm down, Nedilly-diddly-diddly-diddly-doodly, they did their best, shodilly-iddly-iddly-diddly. Gotta be nice, hostiddly-iddly-diddly-diddly... Aw, hell-diddly-ding-dong-crap! CAN'T YOU MORONS DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! [everyone gasps]

Krusty: Hey!

Marge: Ned, we meant well. And everyone here tried their best.

Ned: Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have gooood intentions.

Bart: Hey, back off, man!

Ned: Ooh, okay, dude, I wouldn't want you to have a cow, man. Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years: "Hey, buddy, GOT A QUARTER?!" [everyone gasps again]

Bart: I am shocked and appalled.

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.

Ned: [gasps sarcastically] Do I hear the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson, Springfield's answer to a QUESTION NO ONE ASKED! [Chief Wiggum laughs] What do we have here? [he shakes Chief Wiggum's belly] The long, flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of MALLOMARS!

Krusty: [writing in a notebook] Mallowmars, oh, that's going in the act.

Ned: Oh, yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh. [to Lenny] And as for you, I don't know you but I'm sure you're a jerk!

Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?

Ned: [to Moe] You ugly, hate-filled man!

Moe: Hey, hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I... Um. What was the third thing you said? [Ned walks over to Homer, who smiles nervously]

Ned: [calmly and coldly] Homer... you are the worst human being I have ever met.

Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy.

[Feeling guilty for insulting his community for trying to help him and his family, Ned has just arrived at Calmwood Mental Hospital.]

Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.

Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?

Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.

Nurse: As you wish.

[Two orderlies in white grab hold of him and drag him away]

Ned: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[The Simpsons are trying to solve a Rubik's Cube as a family]

Bart: Turn the middle side topwise. Topwise!

Marge: Now I remember why I'd put this down here in the first place.

Jay Sherman: It stinks! It stinks! It stinks!

Doctor: Yes, Mr. Sherman, everything stinks.

[About his earlier treatment in the University of Minnesota Spankological Protocol.]

Dr. Foster: The only problem with the treatment was that it worked too well. You became unable to express any anger at all. From that point on, any time you felt angry, you could only respond with a string of nonsensical jabbering.

Ned: Well, I'll be darn-diddly-aren't.

Dr. Foster: That's the stuff. You suppressed your rage for so long, it finally erupted as a massive public explosion.

[Ned starts to remember he was an out of control child from Dr. Foster. Back in Foster's previous office, he confronts Ned's parents who are seeking his help]

Dr. Foster: Would you please tell your son to stop?

Mr. Flanders: We can't do it, man! That's discipline! That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [starts banging on the desk] "boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo tss! We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks!

Dr. Foster: You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.

Mrs. Flanders: Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.

Ned: I don't like the service at the post office. You know, it's all "rush rush! get'cha in, get'cha out!" Then they've got those machines in the lobby, they're even faster, no help there. You might even say, I hate the post office. That, and my parents. Lousy beatniks. [sudden breakthrough sound] Hey! That felt good.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer[edit]

Bart: [sees Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lise! Is that dad?

Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man.]

Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?

Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

Homer: And that talking coyote was just a talking dog.

Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate.

Homer: Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a talking dog!

Dog: Woof! Woof!

Homer: Damn straight.

[Homer dramatically reveals his wooden chili spoon.]

Lenny: [whispering to Carl] They say he carved it himself... from a bigger spoon.

[Homer points at the sky]

Homer: In your face, space coyote!

Marge: Space coyote?

Marge: Every time you go to that cook-off, you get as drunk as a poet on payday. Don't you remember what happened last year?

[A flashback to last year shows Homer drunk, naked, and inside of a cotton candy machine]

Homer: Look at me. I'm a puffy pink cloud.

[Back in the present]

Homer: Oh sure, everything's bad if you remember it.

Homer: I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

[Marge, driving the kids home without Homer]

Bart: Where's Dad at?

Marge: Your father decided he'd rather come home in a taxi. [To herself] Or a police car.

Homer: Marge, you don't smoke.

Marge: Well, I thought I'd fill the house with the refreshing smell of tobacco.

The Springfield Files[edit]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no. Now our story begins on a Friday morning in a little town called Springfield...

Wiseguy: Sorry, Donkey Kong, you're just not a draw anymore.

[Donkey Kong roars and tosses a barrel at him.]

Wiseguy: Hey, he's still got it.

[Homer sees a billboard that says 'DIE']

Homer: Yaaaaaaaah!

[the wind blows away the tree that covered the last letter of the billboard, saying now 'DIET']

Homer: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Homer sees the "alien" in the woods for the first time]

Homer: [whimpers in fear] Please! Don't hurt me!

Alien: Don't be afraid.

[Homer, screaming, runs away through a field of tall grass, spelling out "Yahhh!" as he does so]

Scully: Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

Homer: Yes.

[lie detector explodes]

Mulder: [after subjecting Homer to a physical and numerous medical tests, Scully has set him on a treadmill] Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?

Scully: No point. I just figured he could stand to lose some weight.

Mulder: [Seeing the movement of Homer's belly] His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!

Bart: What if we don't?

Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.

Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.

Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.

[After a short pause, they both burst into laughter.]

Homer: I kill me.

Leonard Nimoy: And so from this simple man became the proof that we are not alone in the universe, I'm Leonard Nimoy, goodnight.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uhhh...Mr. Nimoy, we still have 10 minutes left.

Leonard Nimoy: Oh...fine...let me just go get...something out of my car.

[Sound of loud footsteps running away, a car door opening and slamming, and then speeding off.]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I don't think he's coming back.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson[edit]

Man: That's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand-name people trust. You'll be on a rocket-ride to the moon! And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice, green moon money for Royce McCutcheon!

Homer: No deal McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]

Marge: What's my territory?

Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there.

Marge: Don't forget fat people, they can't stop eating.

Homer: (passing by) Hey, pretzels.

Marge: I mean if you're nothing special, why kid yourself?

Lisa: Mom!

Marge: Here's my new advice, kids. Aim low. Aim so low nobody even cares if you succeed. *sighs* Dinner's in the oven. If you want some butter, it's under my face.

[Homer goes to Frank Ormand's house and a woman in black answers the door.]

Homer: I'm here to see Mr. Ormand.

Woman: Of course. Right this way.

[In the living room is Ormand's funeral being held]

Homer: Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate.

Woman: [whispering] He's right over there. [points to another coffin] They were in the same car.

(Fat Tony has just destroyed Hans Moleman's hot dog stand)

Tony: This is a pretzel town, pretty boy.

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]

Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?

Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.

Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?

Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.

Skinner: I believe it was a... boaking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.

Homer: Hey! Fat Tony! You still with the mafia?

Fat Tony: Uh, uh, yes, I am. Thank you for asking. Now, Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh, how shall I say...Mafia Crime Syndicate.

Homer: Oh yeah.

Fat Tony: Now the time has come for you to do us a favor.

Homer: (Gasp) You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? (Disappointed) Fat Tony! I will bid good day to you sir!

Fat Tony: Okay...I will go (exits the building)...Hey...wait a minute!

Marge: Homer, did you tell the mob they could eliminate my competition with savage beatings and attempted murders?

Homer: In those words? Yes.

Tony: Sorry we're late. Can we have the money now?

Marge: The answer is no.

Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on. So, please, the money.

Mountain of Madness[edit]

[A sip is all that's needed to boost his batteries.]

Mr. Burns: We need some excitement around here!

Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?

Mr. Burns: No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]

Carl: All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]

Homer: Hey! That's the fire alarm!

Carl: We gotta get out of here!

[They run out of the cafeteria]

Lenny: Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!

[All around the plant, it's panic and havoc. One man grabs an extinguisher, and proceeds to hit anyone nearing him.]

Man: Get out of my way!

[Homer storms into his sector and frantically tries to decide which framed picture on his panel he should rescue. Out of all the family photos, he chooses a black and white of himself dressed like a cowboy.]

Man: Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!

[Mr. Burns and Smithers stand outside the plant, waiting for Burns' victims to evacuate.]

Mr. Burns: Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?

Smithers: Forty-five seconds!

Mr. Burns: And what's our time so far?

Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.

Mr. Burns: Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.

[Homer runs out the door and shuts the door and secures it with a bench, before he runs, panting, to his boss.]

Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns: Yes! (Hauntingly) You won, all right! You won more than you bargained for.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

[Mr. Burns scolds his employees (who finally made an escape, albeit messily) for showing a lack of teamwork. Lenny and Carl get into a fistfight, proving his point. The crowd cheers the fight, but Mr. Burns shows disappointment.]

Mr. Burns: What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.

Carl: Maybe he does, but I don't.

Lenny: Hey, you take that back!

Carl: No! You take that back!

Homer: Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.

Bart: Teamwork is overrated.

Homer: Huh?

Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.

Lisa/Marge: Yankees.

Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.

[Employees are teamed up by pulling names out of a hat]

Smithers: [Draws a name] Homer Simpson, and [draws another] Mr. Burns?

Homer: [Disappointed] AWWW!

Homer's Brain: Quiet, you idiot. You're on the only team that can't possibly be fired.

Homer: [Intrigued] Oh..

Smithers: How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!

("boney old behind" is heard echoing across the mountain)

Mr. Burns: Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.

Smokey the Bear Robot: Only who can prevent forest fires?

[out of choices "you" and "me", Bart presses "you"]

Smokey the Bear Robot: You pressed "You" referring to me. The correct answer was you.

Burns: Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who does not enjoy a good sit?

Homer: Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?

Mr. Burns: Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.

Homer: He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.

Mr. Burns: Why, you'd have to get up.

Homer: Oh?

[Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand]

Mr. Burns: Sir, I am in your debt.

Homer: Use it wisely, my friend.

Homer: Stay back! I have powers! Political powers! [A group of imaginary political figures appear at Homer's sides]

Abraham Lincoln: [twirling a chain] It's SHOWTIME!

Homer: Oh lord, protect this rocket house and all who dwell within the rocket house!

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious[edit]

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.

[at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]

Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.

Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Kearney: [as they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel!

Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!

Jimbo: Is this legal, man?

Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

(Kearney applies for the nanny position)

Kearney: I'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...(pounds his fist into his hand): Pow!

Homer: I like him!

Kearney: (to Homer) Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?

Homer: I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.

Marge: (to Kearney) I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!

Kearney: (walks away, muttering) Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.

Marge: I heard that!

Shary: Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.

Homer: Did you say Mary Pop—

Shary: [interrupts] No, I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

Shary: [drunk] Wasted away again in Margaritaville

Barney: Searching for my lost shaker of salt – oh, here it is.

[after being struck by lightning]

Mr. Burns: What's this strange sensation in my chest?

Smithers: I think your heart's beating again.

Mr. Burns: Oh, that takes me back. God bless you, Shary Bobbins.

(During Krusty's comedy special: Krusty steps out onstage. Three white "K"s are behind him)

Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey! It's great to be here at the Apollo Theater, and - (notices the unfortunate initials of his comedy special behind him): "KKK"? That's not good. (audience begins booing and chucking bottles and tomatoes at him)

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show[edit]

Network Executive Lady: We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression, "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.

Krusty: So he's proactive, huh?

Network Executive Lady: Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.

Writer: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?

Roger Myers Jr.: Oh, yes.

Bart: Hey, Lis, look! They're adding a new character to Itchy & Scratchy! Poochie the dog?!

Lisa: Adding a new character is often a desperate attempt to boost low ratings.

Roy: Yo, yo! How's it hangin', everybody!

Marge: Morning, Roy!

Homer: Yeah, hi, Roy.

June Bellamy: Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy & Scratchy.

Homer: You? But you're a lady.

June: [mimicking Itchy] She's a lady, all right. [mimicking Scratchy] A beautiful lady.

Homer: [laughing] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?

June: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner. [mimicking The Road Runner] Meep!

Homer: You mean "Meep, meep"?

June: No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.

Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09*, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Gee, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

June: Uh, well, uh...

Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]

2F09 is actually the production code for the season six Simpsons episode "Homer the Great"

(In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.)

Scratchy: Well, look who's here!

Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?

Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! (his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying…) I have to go now. My planet needs me.

(The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.")

Bart: Wow, Poochie came from another planet?

Lisa: Uh, I guess...

Krusty: Poochie's dead! [laughs] [children in the audience cheer loudly] Well kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit the Poochie will never, ever, ever return!

Blue-Haired Lawyer: This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]

Bart: It's back to the basics: classic Itchy & Scratchy.

Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.

(The Simpson kids smile, then frown and immediately become bored with what they're watching)

Bart: What else is on?

[Lisa changes the channel. The screen changes to static as the producer credits appear.]

Homer's Phobia[edit]

John: Homer, what have you got against gays?

Homer: You know, it's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!

Marge: Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!

Homer: No, they're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They took our best names, like Bruce, Lance, and Julian. Those used to be our toughest, manliest names, but now they're just...

John: Queer?

Homer: And that's another thing; I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Marge: So?

Homer: There's only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big, fat party animal to me.

Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay?

Homer: Right! Thank you.

Roscoe: [to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.

Workers: [waving in a cliche, sissy-like attitude] Hell-o-o.

Homer: [gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?

Steel Mill Worker #1: Stand still, there's a spark in you hair!

Steel Mill Worker #2: Get it, get it!

Steel Mill Worker #3: [walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Hot stuff, comin' through!

Homer: AAAAHHHH!

Bart: Dad, why'd you take me to a gay steel mill?

Homer: [sobbing] I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! YOU'RE ALL SICK!

Steel Mill Worker #4: Oh be nice!

Homer: ...And the entire steel mill was gay.

Moe: Pfft, where you been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay. Yeah, aerospace too. And the railroads! And you know what else? Broadway!

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming!

Brother from Another Series[edit]

Bart: [seeing Krusty perform at prison] Wow! Those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.

Lisa: And vice versa.

Cecil: Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Château Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Ségla.

Bob: I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.

Cecil: That would be the Latour, then.

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the five years at clown college?

Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

[After Cecil locks Bob, Bart and Lisa inside the collapsing dam]

Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless!

Bob: [offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless!"

Bart: (covering Cecil's eyes) Guess who?

Cecil: Maris?

My Sister, My Sitter[edit]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa. If anything goes wrong, just dial 911. Uh, unless it's an emergency.

Lisa: G'bye, Chief. Enjoy Bob Saget.

Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger. [looks at the tickets and frowns] Aw, crap.

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!

Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?

Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders, but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the...Holy Land, and...

Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!

Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!

Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!

Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?

Lisa: Please, please, please?

Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (slams the door)

[Lisa drags Bart upstairs to put him to bed]

Lisa: Why do you have to make this so hard?

Bart: I'm using nonviolent resistance.

Lisa: Ugh, the idea that you would compare yourself to Mahatma Gandhi...

Bart: Who?

Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment[edit]

Moe: (as he enters the bar, carrying a jug of green rat poison) Listen up! This is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? [Two men raise their hands]. BEAT IT! I got no room for cheapskates.

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Marge: What happened to you Homer? And what have you done to the car?

Homer: Nothing.

Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.

Homer: Before, before. You're living in the past, Marge, quit living in the past!

[Barney Gumble shows up drunk and puts his face against a diner window]

Barney: Hello fishies.[Belches]

[Rex Banner punches the window out with his bare hand and grabs Barney]

Banner: Aright rummy, I'm gonna say it to ya plain and simple. Where'd ya pinch the hooch? Is some Blind Tiger jerkin' suds on the side?

Barney: [Pause] ...Yes?

Rex Banner: What kind of pet shop is full of rambunctious yahoos, and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?

Moe: Umm...Ahh...The best damn pet shop in town.

Barney: Ow...! These gears down there really hurt!

Rex Banner: [Overlooking the city] I'll get you, Beer Baron.

Homer: [distant] No, you won't!

Rex Banner: Yes, I will.

Homer: Won't!

Lisa: Mom! Prohibition may be unpopular but it's the law and we-

Homer, Marge, Bart: [in unison] Go to your room Lisa!

[Rex Banner suspiciously eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?

Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged.

Rex Banner: (To Eddie and Lou) He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!

[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]

Rex Banner: Are you the Baron?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.

Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!

Comic Book Guy: "Tubby?" (looking at his ample gut) Oh, yes. "Tubby."

[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]

Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?

Banner: None of your business.

[Homer and Bart are making bathtub gin and other liqor in the basement]

Lisa: Now you're making your own alcohol? That's even more illegal than what you were doing before.

Homer: Lisa remember we're disobeying an unjust law here. We're patriots, like... all those people in jail.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.

Grade School Confidential[edit]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]

Skinner: Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...

Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!

Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!

Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?

Bart: Mmm-hmm!

Homer: Wait a minute. Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Chief: Baby looked at you?

Agnes: [to Bart, who is keeping her busy whilst Seymour and Edna sneak out] I collect pictures of wedding cakes from different periods. (She opens a book containing photographs of cakes) It all started in 1969 when Good Housekeeping featured a picture of a lovely cake.

Bart: You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you?

Agnes: Oh my, no. Don't care for cake, too sweet. (points at a cake) Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. At my age, I don't have that much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I turn the page.

Bart: Aw, can't I just turn the page for you?

Agnes: [slaps his hand away, harsher] No! [sweetly] But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you.

Bart: Erm...O.K. I'll take...that one.

Agnes: [slaps his hand away] NO!

Bart: Aah! What the-

Agnes: You can't have that one: that's a coconut cake!

Maude: Excuse me, Edna, I don't think we're talking about love here! We're talking about s-e-x, in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!

Krusty: "Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down!

The Canine Mutiny[edit]

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?

Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.

Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!

Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.

Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us.

Bart: (gasps in terror) You didn't crucify him?

Reverend: (hearty laugh) No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. I'll give you his address if you like.

Agnes: And then buy something or get out! [Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.] Angel.

[Bart is burying his credit card while mobsters are burying a dead body nearby]

Louie: We didn't see nutin' if you didn't see nutin'.

Bart: So I committed a little mail fraud. Haven't I've been punished enough?

Bart: I'm going to get the dog back!

Homer: The bad dog or the good dog?

Bart: The bad dog.

Homer: Oh, good.

Bart: Excuse me, did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Harper?

Repo Man: Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.

[At Patty and Selma's front door]

Selma: No Bart, I did not buy your dog. Now, I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band aid.

[Inside Groundskeeper Willy's shack]

Willy: Yea I had your dog and I ate him. [takes a bite of chicken]

Bart: [Gasps in horror]

Willy: Aye, I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts and I 'ate the way 'e's always barking! So I gave 'im to the church.

Bart: Oh, I see! You hate him, so you gave him to the church.

Willy: Aye, I also 'ate that mess he left on me rug.

[Bart gives a puzzled look]

Willy: Ye heard me!

The Old Man and the Lisa[edit]

Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't wanna be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church, or [finger quotes] "synagogue". Questions?

[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]"

Principal Skinner: Well, uh, I'm gonna take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?

Mr. Burns: Are there any real questions?

Lisa: Yes. Does your plant have a recycling program?

Mr. Burns: "Re-cy-cling"? [He turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.

Lisa: You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.

Mr. Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing?! Well, I say, hard cheese.

Kent Brockman: Remember C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985 inclusive. Well, guess who's broke and picking up trash for a living?

Homer: [watching television in the living room] Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders. Please be Flanders.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this stock market crash?

Smithers: Well, it was 25 years before I was born.

Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

In Marge We Trust[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: ..And the very same goes for Ezekiel. Which brings us back to our starting point, "the Nine Tenets of Constancy."

Homer: Haah... [bang] DAMMIT!

Homer: Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Akira: [on phone] Hai. Hai. Hai. Bye. [turns to Homer] Hi!

Homer: [hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?

Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]

Lisa: What's he saying?

Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

Lisa: Wow!

Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forest of Hokkaidō, renowned for its countless soap factories.

Homer: Hokkaidō, eh?

Reverend Lovejoy: [regaling his congregation of his fight with the monkeys at the zoo] Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but - bam, bam! - I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me! [imitates hissing baboon][quietly resolved] ...and that's when I got mad.

Homer: Now, that's religion!

Homer's Enemy[edit]

[Alarms blare and red lights flash at Homer's work station]

Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13.

[Homer glances at his watch]

Grimes: No, a 5-13, in your procedures manual? A 5-13?

[Homer glances at his watch again]

Grimes: [points] Look at your control panel!

Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.

[He calmly walks into his work station, takes a bucket of water and pours it on his console, shorting it out and silencing the alarms]

Homer: That got it.

[Grimes looks on in horror]

Grimes: (talking about Homer) God, he eats like a pig!

Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

Homer: Hi, Grimey old buddy!

Grimes: I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies!

Homer: [haltingly] Okay... Do I have to do anything?

Homer: Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer: No, I won't accept that.

Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!

Moe: Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

Barney: Aw...

(Bart notices that the factory has collapsed)

Bart: Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!

Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.

Bart: Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?

(Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern)

Moe: OK, everybody tuck your shirts into your socks.

Smithers: Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]

Smithers: [chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.

Mr. Burns: Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!

[long pause]

Chief Wiggum: Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!

[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]

Martin: Behold! The power plant of the future...today!

Mr. Burns: Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

Martin: But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!

[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]

Mr. Burns: You lose, get off my property!

[Homer wins the children's nuclear power plant model contest, and everyone cheers. For Grimes, this is the last straw...]

Grimes: I can't stand it any longer! This whole plant is insane! Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] Daagh! Aagh!

[He runs out into the corridor]

Grimes: I can be lazy too! [yanks off his tie, and moons one of the employees] Look at me! I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!

[He pulls up his pants and waddles away, cross-eyed, like a penguin. He enters the break room and grabs two donuts from a donut box]

Grimes: Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds!

[Homer, Smithers and several other employees watch as Grimes scoffs down nearly all the donuts in the box, then runs into the men's bathroom]

Grimes: [from the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! [comes out of the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands, but it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!

[He runs into Homer's work station and spins around in the chair]

Grimes: I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me! [puts his feet up, and smacks himself on the forehead] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!

Homer: [looking worried] Hey, you okay, Grimey?

Grimes: [getting up] I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson.

Homer: [chuckles] You wish.

Grimes: [noticing Mr. Burns] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster!

[notices some dangerous-looking wires on the wall]

Grimes: What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage". Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-

[grabs the wires and electrocutes himself; everyone winces]

The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase[edit]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]

Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?

Bart: Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.

Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.

Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy.

Big Daddy: The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. (fans himself with his hat) Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat.

Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Skinner(aka Skinny Boy): Better start eating, son.

Chief Wiggum: Start eating?

Ralph: I didn't mean it that way.

Hans Moleman: A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. (flower wilts)

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson[edit]

Homer: [over feedback from the massive sound wave unleashed on the town] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

Lisa: When do you expect the ringing will stop?

Wiggum: [checks watch] In about 10 to 15 seconds.

Marge: I certainly hope so! [feedback stops, Marge gasps] That's better. [Maggie takes two pacifiers out of her ears]

Marge:(to Bart) Now about your punishment, young man!

Bart: I know. I'll go to my room and think about what I did. (stars to walk to his room, but Homer stops him)

Bart: Military school?! You guys lied to me!

Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "Military school."

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!

Cadet #2: Don't worry, we'll drive her out of the academy! That is why God invented hazing.

[Group of cadets coming back to school at night dressed in civilian clothes]

Cadet #1: I'm glad we snuck into town. That was some GOOD corn!

Firing range Instructor: Since you attended public school, I'm gonna assume you're already proficient with small arms, so we're gonna start you with something a little more advanced. [hands Bart a MGL]

Bart: Ho-ho, baby! [Bart fires off five grenades. Four hit the targets, but the fifth flies off into the distance]

Firing range instructor: Four out of five, Simpson, impressive, but you missed your last target.

Bart: [slyly] Did I?

[Cut to a blackened and dumbstruck Principal Skinner, standing next to a smoking crater where his car used to be. Nelson watches in the background from the classroom window]

Nelson: Ha-ha!

Commandant: Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale! [the cadets all gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much, State Supreme Court. Today, you gentlemen face a different challenge. Meet...The Eliminator.

The Simpsons Season 9

Contents [hide]

1 The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

2 The Principal and the Pauper

3 Lisa's Sax

4 Treehouse of Horror VIII

5 The Cartridge Family

6 Bart Star

7 The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

8 Lisa the Skeptic

9 Realty Bites

10 Miracle on Evergreen Terrace

11 All Singing, All Dancing

12 Bart Carny

13 The Joy of Sect

14 Das Bus

15 The Last Temptation of Krust

16 Dumbbell Indemnity

17 Lisa the Simpson

18 This Little Wiggy

19 Simpson Tide

20 The Trouble with Trillions

21 Girly Edition

22 Trash of the Titans

23 King of the Hill

24 Lost Our Lisa

25 Natural Born Kissers

26 External links

The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson[edit]

[as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in]

Moe: Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]

Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes.

Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.

Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

Homer: I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!

[Homer tries klav kalash from a street vendor]

Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?

Klav Kalash vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Homer: Blech! Ew! Geez... I'll take a crab juice.

Bart: Excuse me, is this Mad Magazine?

Woman: No, it's Mademoiselle. We're buying our sign on the installment plan.

Bart: [laughs] Seriously, though, my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please.

Woman: Listen, kid, you probably think lots of crazy stuff goes on in there, but this is just a place of business.

Bart: Oh... okay.

[As Bart leaves, Mad's mascot Alfred E. Neuman opens the door]

Alfred: Get me Kaputnik and Fonebone. I wanna see their drawings for the "New Kids on the Bleech".

[Bart's jaw drops upon surprise]

Alfred: And where's my furshlugginer pastrami sandwiches?

Bart: Wow! I will never wash these eyes again.

[After drinking several crab juices]

Homer: Hey, do you have a men's room in there?

Klav Kalash vendor: Only Klav Kalash. Men's room in tower.

Homer: And that's when the CHUDs came at me...

Marge: Oh, Homer, of course you're going to have negative view of New York if all you focus on are the pimps and the CHUDs.

Sign on bathroom door in tower: Out of order, please use other tower.

Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Hey! Hey! HEY!

Worker: What?

Homer: Your boss told you you're fired!

Worker: I'll get him.

Barney: All I remember about the last two months was giving a guest lecture at Villanova; or maybe it was a street corner.

The Principal and the Pauper[edit]

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.

Homer: Or crapweeds.

Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.

Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

Skinner: They gave me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

Agnes: I have one stranger and one fraud.

[In Armin's apartment, the ex-principal lies on his bed while his visitors stand around him trying to convince him to come home. Armin refuses as they got the real Seymour Skinner.]

Armin: My mind is made up! I'm not coming back and that's final!

Edna: Oh, Seymour.

Armin: And I'm not Seymour, my name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of "Swank", Armin's frozen peas.

Homer: Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin?

Armin: Yes, you can. This is Armin's life, and maybe it's not perfect, but at least I'm back where I belong. I was born a no-goodnik, and I'll die a no-goodnik.

Agnes: Seymour! I didn't bring you up to use language like that!

Armin: Well, you didn't bring me up at all!

Agnes: To hell I didn't! I've been taking care of you for twenty-six years! I'm the only mother you've ever known!

Armin: But you have your real son!

Agnes: You are my real son! You've been my son longer than he has, and he doesn't need me, and I don't need him! Now you march yourself downstairs and get in that car!

Armin: Yes, Mother.

Agnes: And the rest of you, too!

All: Yes, Mrs. Skinner.

[Agnes is infuriated by her real son's behavior and misses Armin more. Later, she stews in anger in the grocery store check-out lane.]

Marge: Good morning, Agnes. Mmm...how's your new son working out?

Agnes: That child is the most disobedient, smart-alecky middle-aged man in creation!

Edna: Hello, ladies. Is this the line for people who want to bad-mouth Sergeant Skinner?

Marge: And have ten items or less.

Edna:[discarding items] Twelve, eleven, ten, the man's a weenie!

Marge: Now be fair, Edna. I liked Armin Tamzarian too, but he was at least as big a weenie as Sergeant Skinner.

Edna: But he was "our" weenie!

[Marge even had to admit Edna was right about Armin.]

Lisa's Sax[edit]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]

Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played

Marge: Movies John Travolta made

Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed

Homer/Marge: Those were the days

Marge: And you knew where you were then

Homer: Watching shows like Gentle Ben

Homer/Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again

Homer: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac

Marge: Coming out of my eight-track

Homer/Marge: Michael Jackson still was black

Those were the days

Michigan J Frog: [singing] We're proud to present on the WB, Another bad show that no one will see! [walk away] I need a drink.

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]

Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!

Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

Man in "Twin Peaks": That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.

[on TV we see The man dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]

Homer: Brilliant ha ha. I have absolutely no idea what's going on here

Homer: [Looking at Bart's picture] Oh what a beau... Aaah! Burn it! Send it to hell!

Marge: Homer, have you seen the frozen peas?

[Homer wipes his face with a frozen dinner and pulls the peas out from underneath him.]

Marge: Ahh, you keep 'em. Now listen, if we can't afford private school, maybe there's some other way to encourage Lisa. Eh, an art class! Ballet lessons! They have some fun things you can do at the museum on Saturday!

Homer: Uh-uh. Forget it, Marge. There is no way I am spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless...museums don't have foosball, do they?

[Homer daydreams about himself at the museum, playing Foosball with a statue.]

Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's "David"! Who's next?

Man From Edward Munch's "The Scream" Painting: Meeeeeee!

Treehouse of Horror VIII[edit]

[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]

Kodos: What the hell was that?

Kang: [speaking into microphone] Calling home planet! This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!

Superior Rigellian: [on Rigel VII] Sure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

[he and his superior laugh amongst themselves]

Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

Maude Flanders: [looks at witches] Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to do wanton acts of carnality.

Ned Flanders: [scoffs] Yeah, that'll be the day.

Homer: You're mutants?

Moe: Uh, we don't like the word "mutants", Homer. We prefer "freaks" or "monsters".

Homer: [mistaking Edgar and Johnny Winter for mutants] Die, you chalk-faced goons!

The Cartridge Family[edit]

TV Commercial Voice: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.

TV Commercial Voice: And they'll all be signing autographs!

Homer: Woo-hoo!

TV Commercial Voice: This match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.

Wiseguy: Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.

[Going through accessories for Homer's new gun]

Wiseguy: And this is for shooting down police helicopters.

Homer: Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet.

Homer: Just give me my gun!

Wiseguy: Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.

Homer: Five days?! But I'm mad now! Oh, I'd kill you if I had my gun...!

Wiseguy: Yeah, well, you don't.

Homer: Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

Clerk: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...

Homer: Yeah.

Clerk: frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer: [nervously] Yeah.

Clerk: ...beat up President Bush!

Homer: Former President Bush.

[the clerk slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout]

Homer: "Potentially dangerous"?

Clerk: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer: Woo hoo!

Marge: I'm sorry Homer, no weapons.

Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.

Moe: [at an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.

Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?

Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.

[Audience cheers and applauds]

Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

[Lisa is staring at the garage roof when Homer pulls in]

Lisa: Hey dad could you get my basketball down.

Homer: Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]

[The basketball fall to the ground and deflates]

Homer: Want me to get the cat down too?

Lisa: [Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks.

Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Bart Simpson: Um...

Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!

[points gun to himself]

Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

Homer: You said the breakfast table.

Marge: It's the same table!

Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.

[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]

Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.

[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]

Homer: I'd better just put it down.

[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]

Lisa: No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Homer: Hey anybody want a beer. [Shoots the can open]

Dr. Hibbert: You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer: I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Cleatus: Are you some kind of moron?!

Louie: You coulda hurt somebody!

Homer: What?

Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Bart Star[edit]

Todd Flanders: We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?

Ned Flanders: Oh, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.

Rod and Todd: Yay!

Marge: You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.

Homer: Well, if you have a better way of living through my son, I'd like to hear it.

Homer: My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.

Bart's mind: It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.

Homer: [talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Nelson's Father: Good game, son. Come on, I'm taking you to Hooters.

Nelson: Ah...but I don't wanna bother mom at work.

Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.

Bart: Wow, you're Joe Namath!

Joe Namath: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.

Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?

Joe Namath: Sure. There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.

Joe Namath's wife: Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.

Joe Namath: Okay, look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you.

Bart: [returns to practicing throwing the football] Okay Bart, concentrate.

Bart's thoughts: Remember what I told you... Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down... It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...

Bart: I'm dead.

Homer: (offscreen) Scully, you're cut. Eh, Brooks, Greoning, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut, so is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman. I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Peitila, Bridge, Kuwarahara. There's so many cuts here. Look, I just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy, you're cut - all of you. He's cut, I cut you.

Woman in Gracie Films logo: Shh.

Homer: You're cut, too, shushy.

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons[edit]

Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?

Homer: It's you.

Grampa: Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.

Homer: You're already in a home.

Grampa: Oh how could you?

Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?

Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.

Lenny: Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

(Bar flies mumble affirmatively)

Lisa the Skeptic[edit]

Lisa: Principal Skinner, remember when I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well, I'm calling in a favor.

Principal Skinner: I knew this day would come. [voice over intercom] Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Homer: [scoffs] Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.

Moe: Science! What has science ever done for us? TV off. [TV turns off]

Milhouse: What is it, Lisa?

Lisa: It looks like a human skeleton, but these other bones almost look like wings.

Ned: You mean like an angel?

Lisa: Well, obviously that's impossible-

Moe: Lisa's right, it's an angel!

Homer: Now that's interesting.

Flanders: Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're straining to do some explaining.

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?

Lisa: It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.

Mr. Burns: Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.

Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?

Mr. Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Lisa: I just think it's a fantasy. If you believe in angels why not sea monsters, unicorns or leprechauns?

Kent Brockman: Oh, that's a bunch of baloney, Lisa. Everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

Lisa: It's a bone scraping from that skeleton I found.

Dr. Gould: Oh, yeah, that so-called angel, the whole thing's preposterous, of course.

Lisa: Quite preposterous, but no one will believe me until I can prove what it really is. Can't you do a DNA test or something?

Dr. Gould: Certainly, I'll have the results by tomorrow.

Lisa: Oh, thank you so much. Er... you know... I can't afford to pay you.

Dr. Gould: I didn't become a scientist for financial gain. Whatever little money you have will be just fine.

Homer: [singing] Here's the angel, see the angel

It's my angel, no one else's, next to the rakes

Lisa: I don't think you should call this thing an angel. There's no proof of that.

Homer: No one's calling it an angel, Lisa. If you look carefully you'll notice I never once used the word "angel."

Lisa: What about that sign right there?

[She points at a sign which says "angel" in huge letters]

Homer: That's a typo.

Lisa: Oh, I wish I'd never found those stupid bones. It's time to put an end to this. Bart, I'm borrowing your blue crowbar.

Bart: Good old Bluey.

Marge: Hey, she's going to smash the angel.

Homer: Somebody stop her!

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity - a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.

Blue Haired Lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed-

Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!

[Murmuring]

[The courtroom empties]

Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for science vs. religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from science at all times.

Lisa: I don't understand, professor. Why didn't your tests show that the skeleton was a fake?

Dr. Gould: I'm going to be honest with you Lisa, I never did the tests. [walks away]

Realty Bites[edit]

Homer: Trying is the first step toward failure.

Homer: Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.

Lisa: That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!

Chief Wiggum: What the-? This is Wiggum reporting a 3-18: Waking a police officer.

Snake: Hey, that smells like regular! She needs Premium, dude! Premium! Dude!

[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer]

Bart, Lisa, and Marge: On the closing day, the escrow agents pay

Taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae

Bart: They back your bank

Homer: You're all nuts.

Lionel Hutz: Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.

Marge: Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.

Lionel Hutz: Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone.

Marge: But all I did was tell the truth.

Lionel Hutz: Of course you did. But there's "the truth" (shakes head) and "the truth." (smiles wide) Let me show you.

Marge: It's awfully small.

Lionel Hutz: I'd say it's awfully "cozy."

Marge: That's dilapidated.

Lionel Hutz: Rustic.

Marge: That house is on fire!

Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller".

Marge: Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!

Homer: What about me? You didn't thank me.

Bart: You didn't do anything.

Homer: I like being thanked.

Lionel Hutz: [furious] A smashed 1968 Pontiac Firebird hot-rod, a wrecked 1986 Chevrolet Caprice police cruiser, a destroyed Murder house? I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson! You're a loose cannon!

Marge: But I-

Lionel Hutz: And what really fries me is you returned his check!

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace[edit]

Sideshow Mel: You only live once!

Apu: Hey, speak for yourself!

(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)

Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.

Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)

Marge: "You'll all get yours in hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."

Homer: Oh, great, now we have to send him a card.

Marge: I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

Homer: Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!

Lisa: This year's tree is just perfect. That aluminum one was so fake.

Marge: I couldn't agree more. From now on it's plastic all the way.

Lisa: Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? That'll make us feel better.

Homer: [moans] Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.

Bart: Hey, since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day... the birth of Santa?

Wiggum: Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?

Bart: Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.

Wiggum: Anything unusual?

Homer: Is this car $15,000?

Salesman: [rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!

Homer: What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!

Bart: I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!

Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, I jammed you with my pen.

Bart: Oww! You're still doing it!

Salesman: I know.

Kent: Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?

Homer: Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.

Kent: Strong words, strong bewildering words.

Kent: So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?

Marge: [annoyed] How'd you think I felt?

Kent: Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] "Absolutely devastated," the words of a heartbroken mother.

Bart: There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.

Lisa: Why you little-! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]

Homer: Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]

Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.

Kent: In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things, but this putrid fraud out-stinks them all.

Cameraman: And cut.

Kent: I just wanna thank you folks so much! This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.

All Singing, All Dancing[edit]

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

Homer: Well, they put us on a Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Homer: Singing is the lowest form of communication.

Marge: Homer, you sing all the time.

Homer: No I don't, I hate to rhyme.

[singing]

Lisa: You like musicals, don't you Dad?

Homer: No, I don't, I think they're bad

They're fake and phony and totally wrong

Bart: Wake up Dad, you're singing a song

Homer: I wouldn't, I couldn't, I hate that stuff

Marge: Now Homer, listen, I've had enough

In our family videos we have plainly seen

You're a singing, dancing, entertainment machine

Snake: [singing] A singing family, it's worse than I feared

For hostage purposes, you're just too weird

Bye.

Snake: [singing] Say your prayers, and then it's ka-blammo!

[Snake fires, but hears nothing but a click]

Snake: [singing] I'll be back, when I get some ammo! Bye!

Bart Carny[edit]

Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.

Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.

Bart: Like "rubes"?

Spud: Now you're on the trolley.

Carnival Owner: Some say the skeleton of Hitler himself is in the trunk. But, I'm a busy man, and I haven't had the time to look.

Cooder: Hey, you lost your money fair and square! I didn't scam nobody!

Homer: [laughing] Put down your stick. We're here to work.

Bart: Starting today, we're carnies, just like you.

Cooder: Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you.

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

Homer: The experts say that if you want an animal to do something, you should do it yourself first to show him how.

Marge: [angry] I'm not going to the bathroom in the backyard!

Homer: Sorry, Your Majesty.

Chief Wiggum: Word around here is your game is crooked.

Homer: And how!

Chief Wiggum: Well, perhaps we can come to an "understanding". [holds out his hand]

Homer: I understand.

Bart: Uh, Dad?

Homer: Not now, son. Daddy's talking to the policeman.

Chief Wiggum: Let me put it to you this way. I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?

Homer: No. He's Bart.

Chief Wiggum: Okay, let's try this again and watch as I wink each time. The man I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr Bribe. Wink, wink.

Homer: [pause] ...It's a ring toss game.

Chief Wiggum: All right, That's it, I'm shutting this place down.

Homer: What ain't that nothing?

Cooder: Our game, our home... What happened here?

Bart: Cops took it.

...

Cooder: Why didn't you bribe 'em?

Homer: I tried, but the opportunity never came up.

Homer: Carnies took over our house, you've gotta help us!

Chief Wiggum: Well well, look who it is, Mr. No Bribe. Sure, we'll help you, just sit down and wait for Detective Like I Give A Damn.

Homer: Thank you so much.

Lisa: Uh, Dad...

Homer: Honey, daddy's waiting for the detective.

Marge: We can't just give up on our house. There's got to be a way to get these guys out of there.

Bart: I say we set fire to the house, kill them that way.

Marge: We don't want to kill them, we just want our home back!

Lisa: Well... if we did set fire to the house-

Marge: No fires!

Homer: I've got it!

Marge: No fires!

Homer: Aw!

Marge: There must be a way to outsmart them.

Homer: Uh, you can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folks in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with those crooked games- That's it! Fire!

The Joy of Sect[edit]

Homer: I always say: a boy can learn more at an airport then he can at any school.

Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians. Are they some kind of church?

Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.

Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?

Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?

Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.

Homer: So I beat the system.

Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.

Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Rev. Lovejoy: (preaching at church) This so called "new religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate.

Glen: Your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years, then something might open up in a double.

Homer: Why even unpack?

Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie ... so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?

Glen: What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.

Homer: Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movies. I have a very short attention span.

Jane: But our point is very simple, you see when...

Homer: Oh look! A bird! Hee hee hee!

[Homer runs after the bird]

Glen: Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon.

Jane: [sinister] The lawyers.

Lisa: It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.

Bart: You said it, sister.

TV voice-over: You are watching Fox.

Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: We are watching Fox.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status!

Smithers: Actually, sir, with our creative book-keeping and corporate loop holes we only pay three dollars a year.

Mr. Burns: [Shocked] You're right, we're getting screwed! There must be something we can do about this. Yes, I believe I know just the thing [Evil laugh] [Long Pause]

Smithers: Uh, sir... You've got to tell me what the plan is, or nothing will happen.

Mr. Burns: Oh, right. The plan. You see me as a God, right, Smithers?

Smithers: Absolutely, sir!

Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me?

Smithers: Boy, would I!

Mr. Burns: Yes... uh... Then I'll just form my own religion, with its own special symbol [Burns starts sketching down a symbol.] We'll use this special K! [It's the Kellogg symbol]

Smithers: I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.

Mr. Burns: Do people worship it?

Smithers: In a way...

Mr. Burns: Alright, then... how about this? [Sketches another symbol, which is Mickey Mouse's ears.]

Smithers: Ah, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?

[Rev. Lovejoy tries to knock out Homer, but fails.]

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, the devil's given him superhuman strength.

Groundskeeper Willie: [Snatches the bat from Reverend.] Gimme that, you noodle-armed choir boy!

[Willie tries to knock out Homer, but fails as well.]

Rev. Lovejoy: Well that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.

Homer: I've learned that he's not using our money to build a spaceship. [starts opening the barn] He's using our money to [Looks inside and sees a flying saucer] build one hell of a spaceship.

Das Bus[edit]

Homer: [phoning in sick to work] Can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers; I have smallpox. Well it wasn't wiped out in my house!

Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect-

Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.

(children laugh)

Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.

Nelson: You leave her alone.

(children are all shouting at each other)

Ralph: [singing] O, Canada

{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}

Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!

Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money.

Martin: What?

[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]

Bart: Go apple!

Nelson: Go orange!

(Ralph puts a banana on the floor)

Ralph: Go banana!

Bart: It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!

Sherri/Terri: I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's.

Sherri: This is all Lisa's fault! She had the idea of that stupid UN club!

Lisa: Hey, Martin seconded the motion. It's entirely his fault.

Nelson: People, people, let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault.

Lisa: All we could find are these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.

Ralph: I eated the purple berries.

Bart: How are they, Ralph? Good?

Ralph: [collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.

Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Homer Simpson: Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?

Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer Simpson: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

The Last Temptation of Krust[edit]

Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a schvitz. Hey-hey, happy birthday. Now get 'em outta here.

Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.

Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.

Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

[Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy]

Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me, "hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?

Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!

Bart: Dad!

Homer: You too, Bart!

Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!

Homer: [shocked] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.

Marge: Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!

[Bart and Lisa sigh]

Bart: What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.

Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the zebra did it.

[The crowd laughs]

Homer: I don't get it.

Lisa: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary.

Homer: I still don't get it.

Lisa: It's just a joke.

Homer: Oooh! I get it! I get jokes. [Laughs]

Krusty: Have you noticed how there are two phone books: a white one and a yellow one. What's the deal with that?

Lisa: One's residential, the other is business.

Krusty: Oh. Well, that makes sense. But what will they think of next? Blue Pages?

Marge: We have those. They're government listings.

Dumbbell Indemnity[edit]

Homer: (drunk at Moe's) Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!

Moe: It's been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.

Moe: No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.

Homer: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!

Moe: Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?

Homer: Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!

Homer: Don't give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.

Moe: [upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out] Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe pinch-penny.

Homer: Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.

Moe:[beat] I need cash, and lots of it!

Homer: Why don't you sell your car?

Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car.

Homer: I'll do it!

Moe: Hawaii here we come. Ananakooli, Makawani, Ana-ona, Nanawula Wa, Hawaii...ha

Homer: Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?

Wiggum: Stop saying Hawaii in there.

Homer: (scooting a cart of books to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe. (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHEEE! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe. (holds again) WHEEE!

Moe: Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!

Homer: [picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I'll help you...help you die!

Barney: [emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconscious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] Aagh! The booze!

Moe: Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?

Homer: Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!

Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!

Bart: Yeah, mom says a lot of things.

Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.

Lisa the Simpson[edit]

Grampa: (talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's a dumb as a chimp.

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"

Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On account of the Simpson gene!

Marge: "Simpson gene?" That's just foolishness!

Grampa: No. Baldness, too.

Lisa: Dear log, can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? Wait, that's not how you spell "dumbening". Wait, dumbening isn't even a word. Hmm, I've got to find out more.

Lisa: I'm strongly opposed to Proposition umm 3-3-0-5...

TV Producer: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?

Lisa: You bet I am!

Lisa: [on TV] I'm supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305...

Homer: Moochin' war widows!

[Talking about Lisa]

Bart: Lisa insulted us, Mom. She thinks she is so great. I'll dance on her grave.

Marge: Bart!

Bart: [clueless] What? Oh, napkin, right.

Rod and Todd: [Reading the offensive baseball cap] "Show...me...your"- Hey!

[Ned covers their eyes]

Ned: It says "show me your tie". It's cute. C'mon let's go!

Homer: I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do.

Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.

Homer: [Nervous] Oh.. but you.. RUN it.. right?

Chet: OH Yea.

Homer: Okay.. uh.. this is your second cousin, Stanley!

Stanley: Um.. I shoot birds at the airport.

Homer: [More nervous] Everybody hates birds.. right? [Frantically looks for a successful relative. He spots a dapper looking fellow smoking a cigar.] Wehh, you look pretty successful!

Guy: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [Face drops] At least, I'd.. like to.

Bart: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?

Homer: What about you?

Guy 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.

Guy 3: I beg celebrities for money!

Guy 4: I'm a prison snitch.

Guy 5: Jug band manager.

Guy 6: My legs hurt!

[Homer sees Lisa further depressed and has kicked out the relatives, believing they're just as pathetic as his father.]

Marge: Wait Homer, you didn't talk to everyone. What about the women?

Homer: What do you do [Reads the name tag of a female relative who looks like Lisa] Dr. Simpson?

Lisa: [Brightens] Dr.!

Dr. Simpson: I'm the head of complicated surgeries.

[Lisa asked if she went to college. Dr. Simpson admits she did as well as her sisters who became successful as a lawyer, architect, and a sales coordinator at a bed company specializing in bunk and trundle beds.]

Dr. Simpson: The defective Simpson Gene is only in the Y-Chromosome.

This Little Wiggy[edit]

Principal Skinner: Kids, this is Robbie the Automaton.

Robbie the Automaton: Greetings, Earth children.

Lewis: Where are you from?

Robbie the Automaton: [pause] Earth.

Lisa: What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?

Bart: Me. I smell a museum.

Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with -eum, they end with -mania, or –teria. Will there be beer?

Ralph Wiggum: I found a moon rock in my nose.

Bart: Houston, we have a booger.

Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?

Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.

Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?

Ralph: Yes.

Chief Wiggum: (to Ralph) You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?

Ralph Wiggum: The pointy kitty took it! (after a rat stole his key)

Bart: Whoa, mama, the electric chair! (sniffs) Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice.

Ralph: Smells like hot dogs.

(Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket.

Smithers: (suggestively) You don't have to tell me, sir.

Simpson Tide[edit]

Doughnut 1: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!

Doughnut 2: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu- hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?

Homer: Uh… maybe.

Smithers: Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Homer: [sees charred doughnut] Success!

Burns: You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?

Homer: Uh...it's my first day.

Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]

Smithers: Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.

Burns: Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?

Homer: It's my first day.

Burns: Well, why didn't you say- Yawoo! You're fired!

Announcer: Daybreak: Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve, America's seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

Homer: We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light. [starts clapping]

Marge: We don't have a Clapper.

Homer: [clapping] Sorry, can't hear you, Marge, I'm clapping. [Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window] Nightie night.

Homer: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.

Barney: Where you going?

Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve.

Barney: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!

Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!

Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.

Homer: Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

Moe: The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]

Mob boss: Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]

Moe: I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Homer: See you in a week.

Lisa: Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.

Homer: Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.

Bart: Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.

Homer: No.

Bart: But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.

Homer: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge: Homer!

Homer: But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

Homer: No way, man! My hair is who I am! [the barbers shave Homer anyway. Outside, Barney, Moe and others hold their shaven hair while Homer has the two strands that are left of his hair] Ow, I'm a freak!

Drill Sergent: (to Apu) Tuck in that shirt. (to Moe) Shine those shoes, mister. (to Homer, who has on the Foam Dome beer hat he last wore on "Selma's Choice") Oh, for the love of...

Homer: Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat. [sergeant removes and throws hat to ground]

Drill Sergeant: All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me.

Homer: I like you.

Drill Sergeant: Um, all right. You don't like me, but I don't like you.

Homer: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

Drill Sergeant: What are you, a comedian?

Homer: Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Eh, one more thing- One... I should get a glass of water.

Drill Sergeant: Aaaarrrggghh..!

Homer: There, the perfect sheepshank!

Drill Sergeant: Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! [a large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall]

Homer: Oh-hoh..!

Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?

Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?

Milhouse: No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.

Principal Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of gypsy extraction.

Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a gypsy.

Principal Skinner: Oh, really? Prove it.

Milhouse: Uh, I want to suck your blood!

Principal Skinner: Nuh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.

Man with Eye Patch: Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.

Abraham: That's not a war story, I'll tell you a war story. I was on PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.

Kennedy: Ich bin ein Berliner.

Abraham: He's a Nazi! Get him!

Marge: What on earth possessed you to getting an earring?

Bart: Milhouse has one.

Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff-

Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!

Homer: Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.

Bart: Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?

Homer: Well, when I was 10 I got my ears pierced. But this is completely different!

Bart: Fine, take it.

Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?

Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?

Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.

Homer: What's a jib?

Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.

Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?

Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peas.

Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace, but it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?

Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.

Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

Barney: Mayday, mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!

Homer: You mean water?

Barney: Yeah, that's it.

Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a Liar, a Pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!

The Trouble with Trillions[edit]

[Scrambling to complete his taxes]

Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!

Marge: Homer, you know we don't have-

Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts! [hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch] Here you go, keep using nuclear power.

Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.

Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.

Bart: Cool!

Marge: I put the tax forms on the top of your "to do" pile a month ago.

Homer: I have a "to do" pile?! (looks at the mountain of papers next to him on the end table, which wasn't there before)

Mr. Burns: [Pointing to a display case] Oh, you'll find this amusing: the suit Chaplin was buried in.

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has the bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.

Mr. Burns: See with your eyes, not with your hands!

Fidel Castro: Please! We are all amigos here!

Homer: Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!

[Mr. Burns reluctantly hands over the money]

Mr. Burns: Now give it back.

Fidel Castro: Give what back?

(Homer, Smithers, and Mr. Burns are on a raft back to America after their disastrous encounter with Fidel Castro)

Mr. Burns: If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.

Homer: God bless America!

Fidel Castro: Our country is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism.

Aides: AWWW!

Castro: I know, but we knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly. [picks up a phone]. I'm gonna call Washington and tell them, they've won.

Male aide: But Sir, the Americans tried to kill you.

Castro: Eh, they're not so bad. They named a street for me in San Francisco. [aide whispers something into his ear] It's full of whahh?

Girly Edition[edit]

Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?

Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

Store Clerk: Sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically disabled or enfeebled.

Homer: Enfeebled, I know just the guy.

Principal Skinner: Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.

Lisa: [Gasps] Oh my god! Today's top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.

Principal Skinner: Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.

Lisa: I know, I already jumped to that conclusion.

Principal Skinner: Alright, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?

Lisa: Me?

Principal Skinner: (beat) Take your sash and go.

(Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)

Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.

Mr. Burns: [sniffling] Excellent.

Lisa: They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!

Bart: I'll show Lisa who's dumb.

[He picks up newspaper]

Bart: Supreme Court reverses...uuuhh, I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics! All right, I'll read one comic just to get me rolling. Archie. "Hey, Jughead, did you hear, the Supreme Court reversed"...ooohh!

Lisa: Hmm, thank you Bart, for yet another touching "Bart's People". Now,turning to...

Bart: I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.

Lisa: That's what Veteran's Day is for, Bart.

Bart: But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?

Lisa: Eh, heh, heh...they also have Memorial Day.

Bart: Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!

Lisa: [through clenched teeth] They have two!

Bart: Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.

Trash of the Titans[edit]

Lisa: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?

Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Homer: You guys are the lousiest garbage men ever! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU! YOU TRASH-EATIN' STINKBAGS! [screech] Uh-oh...

[beepbeepbeepbeeepbeep...]

Guy 1: What did you call us?!

Homer: [quivery] I dunno... most people yell and stuff.

Guy 1: Yeah, you called us "trash-eatin' stinkbags!"

Guy 2: Didn't ya learn anything from Love Day?!

Homer: [poke] That was yesterday, moron.

Homer: Good morning trash pile, who my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!

···

Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.

Lisa: I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Fur Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away]

Homer: And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.

Marge: Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.

Homer: Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!

Marge: You have signed my name lots of times.

Homer: But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Lisa: Yes.

Homer: Perfect.

Homer: I wanna register the booth for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs, "Things are gonna change in this town!"

Wiseguy: OK, but is where you register as a sex offender.

[Moe enters]

Moe: Aw geez, there's always a line...

Patterson: Sorry I'm late, everyone. [accusingly to Homer]: Somebody tampered with my brakes.

Homer: Well then you should've been there early.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, he got you there, Ray.

Patterson: Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup, that's impossible.

Homer: Not if we hire more men, and my men'll do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.

Patterson: I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Homer: Well you better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.

Patterson: Pops? I'm only two years older than you.

Homer: Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

Patterson: What button? What the hell are you talking about?

Homer: [mocking] "What? What? What? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?"

Moe: You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that people are gonna remember you by.

Homer: Awwh, can't someone else do it?

Moe: "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

Homer: Really?

Homer: Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?

Bart: Dealing drugs?

Lisa: Drugs?

Marge: I'll have to say drugs too.

Homer: Close, but you're way off.

[Homer explains how he paid neighboring towns to dump their garbage in a mine beneath Springfield]

Lisa: I kinda wish it was drugs.

Bart: Some of it is.

[Bart points as a garbage truck dumps a load of syringes]

[Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers]

Garbageman #1: Where are our paychecks, you bum?

Head Garbageman: My men ain't working one more minute until we get paid.

[Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money]

Homer: Will cash be okay?

Head Garbageman: Will it?

[Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office]

Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

Adam: Look guys, I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.

Edge: Oh, here we go...

Bono: How many spoons have you got now, Adam?

Adam: Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.

Bono: Can I see it? [... tossed it behind]

Adam: My spoon!

Mr. Burns: Ow! Wankers.

King of the Hill[edit]

Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base. Under attack by commie Nazis.

They won't stop me for delivering these UNICEF pennies. Go pennies, help the puny children who need you.

[after McBain kills a Nazi by breaking his neck]

Marge: That's what I call 'breakneck' speed!

Bart: [po-faced] Mom, a man just died.

[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]

Marge: Is that your wallet?

Homer: D'oh!

[Homer decides to take up running]

Homer: Well, let's get started. [Begins to run, and when he is almost kneeling for exhaustion, sees he only got as far as the mailbox "Flanders"] D'oh!

Homer: If you're trying to scare me, it won't work. I'm 100% focused on my goal. Hey, my hat has ear-flaps.

Homer: Sorry, Marge, I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into one handy mouth-sized bar. [He swallows the bar. Then dials the phone] Hospital, please.

Marge: Hmmmm… anyway, it's time for the church picnic.

Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.

Marge: No, they didn't. You just brought a bucket of chicken to church.

Homer: If God didn't wan't us to eat in church, he would have made gluttony a sin.

Homer: I'm getting light headed. Good, no heavy head to carry.

[A portable toilet is knocked over, exposing Comic Book Guy]

Comic Book Guy: Oh! It appears I will have to find a new Fortress of Solitude.

Powersauce Representative: Mr. Wolfcastle we have the perfect idea for a Powersauce commercial. You-

Wolfcastle: I love it.

Homer resolves to get in shape. He runs in Evergreen Terrace. Later he is exhausted

Homer{talking to himself}: How far did I get?

Mailbox: FLANDERS

Homer: D'oh!

Homer keeps jogging into town. Eventually he reaches a building

Sign: All-Night Gym.

Homer{talking to himself}: Gym misprounces it as "gime", what is a gime?

Homer enters gymnasium and sees barbells, weight machines, treadmills and so forth

Homer: Oh! A geem!

Inuit 1: {in Chinese} I froze saw your death last night.

Inuit 2: {in Chinese} Stop saying that.

Representative: Those bars are just apple cores and Chinese newspapers.

Homer: Hey, w:Deng Xiaoping died.

Lost Our Lisa[edit]

Bus Driver: Last stop. End of the line.

Homer: I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please, save me, Superman!

Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

[as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum]

Homer: Could you open the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.

[Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]

Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the museum?

Man 1: [angrily] С удовольствием! Это шесть кварталов в этом направлении! [My pleasure. The museum is six blocks that way.]

[Lisa runs off screaming]

Man 1: [calmly] Hey, она пошла не в ту сторону. [Hey, she went the wrong way.]

Man 2: [makes his move] Shah i mat. [Checkmate.]

Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Хорошая игра! Как насчет еще одной?! [Good game. How about another?]

Lisa: Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.

Homer: Nah, I'll just walk it off.

[Bart is apologizing to Lisa behind the door, not knowing she's not in her room)

Bart: Hey Lis, I'm sorry I ruined your Egyptian thing. We're still buds, right? Okay be that way, be a big stupid jerk. Oh, you're not the jerk...I am...forgive me? Oh, like you're Miss Perfect. Mom, Lisa's making me feel bad!

Marge: Stop it, Lisa!

Bart: That shut her up.

Burns: Shouldn't you be at work right now?

Homer: Uh yes sir, Mr. Burns, sir.

Burns: Well then, get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.

Homer: Maybe, but you don't know Lisa, I mean she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge, it overloaded, and then it got really hot and caught on fire!

Carl: That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer?

Homer: Ah, yes, but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter. :[he starts to leave, then rushes out]: Oh, Lisa!

Lisa: Stupid bus can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go... ;[spies a flattened raccoon]: Ugh!

Cletus: I seen it first. :[scoops it into truck with shovel]: Ooh, Girly Sue's gonna have an elegant wedding feast.

Lisa: Aha. Um, listen, I'm kind of lost. Do you think you can give me a lift downtown?

Brandine: Cletus, what are you beating your gums about?

Cletus: Never you mind, Brandine. You just go back to birthin' that baby. Yeah, I'll fetch you a ride, little missy, hop on in. Mind the skunk, them things can go off even after they's dead.

[Lisa retches and runs away]:

Marge: A bus? Alone? Absolutely not. It's just too dangerous for an 8-year-old. In a few years when you're old enough to drive, then you can take the bus.

Milhouse: Woah, looking sharp.

Bart: Well, thanks guv'nor.

[The novelties fall off Bart's face]

Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.

Bart: Milhouse, I'm not going to take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face. I have a better idea.

Milhouse: Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers conference day?

Bart: Hmm, well, I guess that we don't have to go to school.

Milhouse: Wow, mine too!

Bart: The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look, Barney's not even drunk yet.

Barney: Morning, boys, can't stop to chat, time is money.

Homer: Morning, Barney.

Milhouse: You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out having fun and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons.

[Camera cuts to the teachers]

Principal Skinner: Hmm, here we go again.

[All the teachers are on a rollercoaster, having fun]

Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!

Bart: Ta-da! Notice anything new?

Marge: Bart, What have I told you about throwing money away on this joke shop?

Bart: Try and cut back a little?

Marge: (groans) Take these silly things off.

Bart: It won't come off.

Natural Born Kissers[edit]

[Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log]

Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys.

Marge: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?

Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

Reverend: Now let's all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his wondrous creation.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

Lisa: Wow! An alternate ending to Casablanca. Bart, this could be priceless!

Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refrigerator motor?

Homer: Naw, I never thought I'd live this long.

Homer: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit! Hahaha!

Marge: Heh, heh, mmm...yeah.

Chief Wiggum: Boy, I'll tell you, they only come out at night... or, in this case, the day.

Marge: Whatever happened to Grampa? He was supposed to baby-sit.

[Cut to Grampa in the Flanders's house watching Rod and Todd play checkers]

Grampa: [to Rod] Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.

Rod: I'm not Bart, I'm Rod Flanders.

Grampa: There you go with that smart mouth! (to Todd) Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.

Todd: Yes, sir!

[Homer and Marge have ended up naked in the middle of a football game in the Springfield Stadium]

Homer: [to the audience; annoyed] Why don't you take a picture?! It lasts longer! [everyone begins taking pictures] D'OH!

Marge: It would have to be camera day...

[Bart and Lisa are reading a newspaper featuring Homer and Marge ending up naked at the Springfield Stadium]

Bart: Wow...

[Marge takes the newspaper]

Lisa: Hey!

Marge: I don't want you reading these awful scandal sheets.

Lisa: Uh, I was just trying to find Dave Barry's column.

Bart: He's great! He pokes fun at life's little foibles.

The Simpsons Season 10

Contents [hide]

1 Lard of the Dance

2 The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

3 Bart the Mother

4 Treehouse of Horror IX

5 When You Dish Upon a Star

6 D'oh-in in the Wind

7 Lisa Gets an "A"

8 Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"

9 Mayored to the Mob

10 Viva Ned Flanders

11 Wild Barts Can't Be Broken

12 Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

13 Homer to the Max

14 I'm With Cupid

15 Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers"

16 Make Room for Lisa

17 Maximum Homerdrive

18 Simpsons Bible Stories

19 Mom and Pop Art

20 The Old Man and The "C" Student

21 Monty Can't Buy Me Love

22 They Saved Lisa's Brain

23 Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

Lard of the Dance[edit]

Ralph: And the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy, and that's why it was the best summer ever!

Ms. Hoover: Thank you Ralph. Now take your seat. [Ralph exits the classroom]

Nelson: [offscreen] Hey Blindy, have a nice trip!

Ralph: Aah!

Nelson: Ha-ha!

Homer: Used grease is worth money? Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold!

Homer: Marge, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.

Marge: With cans of used grease?

Homer: (mockingly) No, through savings and wise investments! Of course with grease.

Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!

Lisa: Did she just tell me to "shut up?"

Skinner: Take it outside.

(Bart and Homer are escaping from Groundskeeper Willie through the air ducts. Willie grabs Homer by the ankle.)

Willie: Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. (Raises his fists.) But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!

(Willie starts punching Homer with hard blows while Homer is screaming in pain.)

Homer: Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Willie: (Willie stops briefly.) Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! (Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.)

Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Homer: Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done, including my muscle for hire business.

Marge: Oh, poor Homey. Couldn't you try some other far-out, moneymaking scheme?

Homer: Alright son, we're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our head in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women change clothes and all that, but if You help us steal this grease tonight I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Bart: Dad, He's not stupid.

Homer: Alright, screw it. Let's roll! (floors it)

Bart: When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger!

Homer: I'll say! Look at that red-headed kid. There must be $40 worth of grease on his forehead alone.

Bart: Uh, I was thinking more of the deep frier.

Homer: Whatever, we'll try it your way.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Can I help you, sir?

Homer: [leaning uncomfortably close to Squeaky-Voiced Teen] My God, you're greasy.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Mr. Maruka, help!

[Nelson, Ralph, Wendel, Louis, and Database sitting at a bench at lunchtime]

Nelson: You see, the thing about huckleberries is: once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.

[Skinner walks up to the bench]

Neslon: Uh, uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass!

[Skinner nods and walks off]

Nelson: (quietly) Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner sugar.

[All murmur in interest]

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace[edit]

Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.

Homer: Now, here's my "Everything's Ok Alarm." (picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly.)

Homer: [yelling] THIS WILL SOUND EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!

Marge: Turn it off, Homer!

Homer: IT CAN'T BE TURNED OFF! (The beeping starts weakening, then stops completely.) But, it, er, does break easily.

(after Homer shoots Marge with the make-up gun)

Marge: Homer, you got it set on "Whore."

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.

Kent Brockman: In other news, Thomas Edison-the greatest inventor of all time-is apparently still inventing despite the notable handicap of being dead!

Homer: That's my Tommy!

Bart the Mother[edit]

(at an arcade)

Nelson: What can I get for 8,000 tickets?

Clerk: Uh, a BB gun or an Easy Bake Oven.

Nelson: Hmmm...Hot food is tempting, but I just can't say no to a weapon.

Lisa: What did you get with the tickets?

Bart: Fake moustache comb, how about you?

Lisa: Fake moustache...wanna comb it?

Homer: [at the top of his voice] MILHOUSE!

Milhouse: What?

Homer: TELL BART TO COME HOME!

Milhouse: I think he's at Nelson's!

Homer: WHO'S NELSON?!

(after Marge sees the bird Bart shot)

Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?

Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.

Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!

Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Marge: (sighs dejectedly) Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her station wagon and drives off)

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as Earwigs, Eww! and Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory.

Principal Skinner: It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker.

Bart: [to Marge] Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them and I love them. I know that's hard to understand.

Marge: Mmmm. Not as hard as you think.

Homer: This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon!

Lisa: That didn't happen, Dad.

Homer: Sure it didn't.

Mayor Quimby: [to Bart] For decimating our pigeon population and for making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

Treehouse of Horror IX[edit]

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.

Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (starts crying) Was he better than me?

[On the Jerry Springer Show, after Kang brings out flowers for Marge and kisses her hand. Homer begins wailing on him]

Homer: You one-eyed, two-timing [bleep, bleep]! I'm gonna [bleep]!

Kang: Oh yeah?! Well, [bleep] hyperbolic parabaloid [bleep] your mama!

Jerry Springer: And now for my final thought; nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of their child. (everyone onstage looks ashamed) Let's hope they put their differences aside, and do what's best for Maggie. [Maggie lunges at Springer] What the [bleep]?! Get this [bleep] baby off! [she bites him] [bleep]! Son of a [bleep]!

[Kang and Homer try to pull Maggie off, but end up fighting again]

Marge: [with her head in her hands] I'm so [bleep] embarrassed.

Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.

Lisa: And now he's dead.

Kang: Any-hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!

Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!

Marge: [not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!

Kodos: [darkly] Just watch us.

[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]

Bart: Don't forget Ken Starr!

Bart: [After changing Lisa and the TV screen into red] Whoa! Cool!

Lisa: [Holding the remote control] Bart, quit it!

Scratchy:[to Bart and Lisa] Why are you laughing?

Itchy: [to Scratchy] Hey, they're laughing at your pain.

Scratchy: [Reattaches his head to his body] That's mean.

Itchy: Let's teach 'em a lesson. [shaking Scratchy's hand]

(on The Jerry Springer Show)

Audience Member: I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.

Jerry Springer: Homer?

Audience Member: Nah, the green dude.

When You Dish Upon a Star[edit]

Lisa:(speaking to Homer) You promised to take us to the lake.

Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what make me such a good father.

Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.

Homer: No that would make me a great father.

Man: Sir you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.

Homer: Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

Homer: (while parasailing) Ooh, I'm soaring like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

Homer: When was the last time Barbra Streisand ever did the laundry for you? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?! I'll tell you where! Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!

Ron Howard: [pitching a movie] And it builds to a powerful emotional climax, where the father has to decide which of his children will live...and which one...will die.

Executive: Pass. What else have you got?

Ron Howard: Well, there's one about a killer robot driving instructor, who travels back in time for some reason.

Executive: I'm listening.

Ron Howard: And this robot- He's got a challenging decision to make about whether his best friend lives...or dies.

Executive: Ehh.

Ron Howard: His best friend's a talking pie.

Executive: Sold! Howard, you've done it again!

D'oh-in in the Wind[edit]

Abe:[grabbing Homer's arm] Shame on you, boy! Put some damn pants on then pull'em down! Cause it's time for a spankin!

Homer Simpson: Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!

[Kids cheer and burst out of the school]

Principal Skinner: 15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

Young Homer on mural: How could you let me turn into you?

Homer: But-but-but the poncho-

Young Homer: "But-but-but the poncho!" Hit the road, square.

Marge: Doctor, will he be all right?

Dr. Hibbert: Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.

Bart: Why don't you just pull it out?

Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.

Homer: Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?

Dr. Hibbert: What did I just say?

Lisa Gets an "A"[edit]

Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.

(Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program)

Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! (he types "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer) I'm learn-ding.

Lisa: Aw, way to go, Ralph.

(Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom)

Lisa: Hey, I can't go in there!

Bart: Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

(Bart and Lisa knock on a closed stall door in the boys' bathroom)

Nelson: Hang on I'll buzz you in. [short pause] Buzz.

Homer: Hurry up my arms are getting cold.

(Lisa sneezes inside the freezer Marge arrives)

Marge: Oh my goodness! Homer get her out of there!"

Homer: Aw!(Pulls Lisa out of the freezer shivering holding an ice cream can)

Homer: (Picks the ice cream can from Lisa) Sherbert Hoover. (throws it back on the freezer)

Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"[edit]

Homer: If I die in the operation, will ya do one thing for me.

Marge: Oooh, anything sweetheart.

Homer: (serious tone) Blow up the hospital.

(after hearing Homer's story of how he ran away from his dying father after promising him one of his kidneys)

Concertina Player: (in a French accent) I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you (spits) You disgust even me!

(After being tossed off of the Ship of Lost Souls, AKA Honeybunch, watching it sail away into the fog)

Homer: That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth!

Homer: I'm the luckiest man in the world, now that Lou Gehrig's dead.

Mayored to the Mob[edit]

Mayor Quimby: Oh God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Moe: (after giving a bribery to Mayor, and from this start walking some cockroaches) We're working on that 'roach situation, I swear to God!

Mayor: (pauses briefly, then takes the money) Well, you should see the hospital.

Mayor Quimby: Luke, do something! Use your Lightsaber!

Mark Hamill: What, and break it!? You know George Lucas made me pay for these.

Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?

Female Comic Book Fan: Comb the SweetTarts out of your beard, and you're on.

Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, babe.

Frank Nelson Type: YEEEEEESSSSSS?

Homer: Do you have a table for the mayor?

Frank Nelson Type: YEEEEEESSSSS!

Homer: Why do you talk like that?

Frank Nelson Type: I had a strrroooke!

Homer Simpson: [to Bart and Lisa] Hold it, what's your clearance?

Bart Simpson: We just wanna get a snack.

Homer Simpson: Access denied.

Bart: But, Dad... [Homer pinches the kids on the shoulder, sending them to the floor, unconscious]

Marge: Homer, I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children.

Homer: They'll be fine in half an hour.

Homer: Oh My God, I killed the Mayor! Alright, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend At Bernie's.

Bart: If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting madder and madder.

Homer: I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.

Marge: You're guarding the mayor tonight, after Fat Tony swore revenge?

Homer: It's my duty, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?

Marge: Homer!

Homer: What? There's nothing to worry about.

Bart: Well, then you start it.

Homer: Alright, fine, I'll take a cab.

[As Homer fights for his life against one of Fat Tony's men]

Mark Hamill: Homer, use the-!

Homer: The Force?

Mark Hamill: The forks! Use the forks!

[Homer attending a Leavelle's body guard school]

Leavelle: Your loyalty is to your protectee. Not to you country. Not to your family. [turns to Homer] Not even to Moo-Hammid.

Homer: Even during Ramadan?

Leavelle: Shut your sass-hole boy.

Homer: Milking rats! THEY'RE MILKING RATS!

Mayor Quimby: (to Fat Tony) Rats?! You promised me dog or higher!

Viva Ned Flanders[edit]

Bart: Alright here comes the implosion!

Demolition Worker: [Pushes the plunger down] Implosion, I thought you said...

Don Rickles: [Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with Don Rickles flying out in the air] HOCKEY PUCK!

Homer Simpson: [as they all run from the dust] Hehe Don Rickles zinged you Marge!

[After running over someone in the dust cloud]

Lisa: Dad, you hit Don Rickles!

Don Rickles: [under the car] I'm okay, but some Puerto Rican guys are trying to steal your hubcaps. Just kidding, I'm a nice guy...

Homer: Slave girl! Oh, slave girl!

Waitress: More libations, my imperial conqueror?

Ned: Goshdarn it! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [sighs] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life!

[a car stops besides Ned with Abe, Jasper and three attractive women]

Grampa: Hey there!

Ned: Look at that! Everyone's living it up except Ned. [car pulls away out of earshot]

Grampa: Help! We're being carjacked!

Woman: Don't get clever, old man. [cocks a revolver] Now take us to Dress Barn.

Ned: So what about all this meat?

Homer: Ah, the missus will clean that up.

Marge: Now it's Marge's time to shine!

Dr. Gonzo: That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas.

Raoul Duke: Auh, too many kids.

Casino worker: Someone dishonoring their marriage vows!? Not in Las Vegas.

[While Homer and Ned try to flee]

Homer: [screams] The Moody Blues!

Graeme Edge: "Cold hearted Homer ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life"

Justin Hayward: "Chips of blue, and red, and white, but we decide..."

John Lodge: Oh can the poems, it's ass-whopping time!

Ray Thomas: [draws a switchblade] I want fatty! [Homer screams]

Wild Barts Can't Be Broken[edit]

Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!

Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?

Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Lisa: Even you?

Homer: Especially me.

Bart: But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.

Marge: That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... (sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward) ...to the bitter end.

Commentator: (about Babe Ruth IV) He's pointing to the stands, possibly at a dying little boy.

Bart: (to Marge, after realizing he's been pointed at) Mom, am I dying?!

Marge: (sympathetically) No.

Lisa: (whispering) Is he, Mom? You can tell me.

Marge: No!

Commentator: (as Babe Ruth gets ready) Is he indicating a bunt? Yes, he's bunting.

(The other team catch him straight away, and he trudges off forlornly)

Audience: BOOO!

Marge: Good hustle, kid!

Moe: (sighs) Ah, no one touched my rumaki.

Homer: (throws it at him) WOOOO, RUMAKI!

Chief Wiggum: (checking the boys' IDs) Sorry boys, but the curfew is final. (Looks at Nelson's) Oh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert.

Nelson: (as Dr. Hibbert) Not at all, Officer! (chuckles)

Chief Wiggum: So, You enjoy this movie, Kids? Aah! Listen up punks. The moral of the story is, the adults always win! Waaarrgh! For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me.

Eddie: Sorry, Chief.

Bart: Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.

Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.

Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?

[Dr. Hibbert looks around nervously]

Lisa: That's right...Homer Simpson!

Homer: D'oh!

Nelson: You adults are always giving orders!

Skinner: Well, you kids are always disobeying them!

Milhouse: Adults treat kids like children!

Kirk: Kids treat adults like cash machines!

Sunday, Cruddy Sunday[edit]

Krusty: "Legends of Comedy", my tuchis! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?

Moe: Bye weeks. Bronko Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead! [pause] Well... maybe they're a good thing.

Chief Wiggum: All right, you guys have had way too much booze. [holds up some fresh bottles of Duff] Last call!

[The others clamor for the beer, getting overly rowdy]

Chief Wiggum: [aims a pistol at them] Come on! Give me an excuse!

[After Homer, Wally and their troupe charge through various hallways looking for the Superbowl (with "Song 2" playing in the background)]

Moe: Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour! Where the hell's the game?!

Homer: You guys are following me?! I was following Flanders!

Guard: Players and VIP's only!

Homer to the Max[edit]

[Homer sings to the tune of Goldfinger.]

Homer: Max Power

He's the man whose name you'd love to touch

But you musn't touch

His name sounds good in your ear

But when you say it, you musn't fear

'Cause his name can be said

By anyone-

[Mr. Burns walks in.]

Mr. Burns: Ah, Max Power! How's every little thing?

Homer: You remembered my name!

Mr. Burns: Well, who could forget the name of a magnetic individual like you? Keep up the good work, Max!

Homer: Mr. Power.

Mr. Burns: Yes, Mr. Power.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.

Max (Homer): Nobody snuggles with Max Power - you strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]

Marge: Oh, Lord!

Max: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?

Max: Yeah, but faster! [walks into a cactus] D'oh!

Lisa: We should really put that in the corner.

Max: Awww, this is the worst party ever.

Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

I'm With Cupid[edit]

[Homer is telling Lisa a bedtime story]

Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre, Barney, had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley-

Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!

Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon.

Homer: Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication... too much communication.

Homer: Will you stop it! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers"[edit]

Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?

Bart: Why, NBC, of course.

Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.

Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?

Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.

Marge: But there's only one way to find out...

(cut to the closing credits)

Homer: (voice-over) I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... (sound of gun cocking)... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. (very softly) CBS great.

(sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Studios logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots. According to the audio commentary, George Meyer came up with the idea of shooting an already dead corpse a few times, he called them "safety shots")

Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Homer: I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!

Zookeeper: There's one rhino missing! If we don't find it, it'll be my ass on the barbie!

Homer: [as he and the kids run from stampeding rhinos] I'll take care of this! JUMANJI! [the rhinos keep charging] Does anything from the movies actually work!?

Lisa: Mom, Bart took what I said and turned it into an insult!

Make Room for Lisa[edit]

Guard #1: [after Homer damaged the bill of rights] You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment.

Guard #2: [putting on brass knuckles] Hehe, beautiful.

Homer: Relax, Lisa! Meet your new comically mismatched roommate, Bart Simpson! (hums The Odd Couple Theme)

Bart: I'm gonna make your life a living hell.

Homer: (hums The Odd Couple theme and shoves Lisa in)

Homer: (turns on TV) Ooh, here's something you like. When Animals Attack Magicians.

Magician: Pick a card, any- (noise of animal attacking) Aaaaaagh!

(Homer laughs)

Lisa: (concerned) That's awful.

Homer: Awful entertaining.

Homer: (while in the sensory deprivation chamber, to the tune of The Witch Doctor) ooh! eee! ooh ah ah! Ting, Tang! Walla walla bing bang! Ooh eee ooh ah ah! Walla ting tang bing bing boo!

Lisa: Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?

[A sandwich appears on a black background]

Lisa: Yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. [As the meats rotate] There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon [drooling] and a mouth-watering veal chop.

[Two arms come from both sides of the screen, then grabs the sandwich. Lisa takes a bite]

Lisa: Oh, no, now I'm dad!

[background, from Homer's point of view, fades in. He's at a ballet]

Lisa (as Homer): Oh, and I'm at a stupid boring ballet.

Maximum Homerdrive[edit]

Female Trucker: There goes the finest trucker who ever lived.

Homer: He called me "greenhorn." I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.

Male Trucker: In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. But I guess this is one delivery old Red won't be making.

Homer: Oh, yes he will...and on time, too.

Marge: Oh no, Homer, no.

Homer: I got to, honey. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer.

Bart: Oh, let me go with you, Dad.

Homer: Don't you have school?

Bart: Don't you have work?

Homer: Ahh, touché.

Homer: Look son, it's one of nature's wonders-a convoy!

Homer: Oh yeah, I need something that will keep me awake, alert and restless all night long.

Old Clerk: Well Congress is racing back to Washington to outlaw these. (Pulls out a bottle labeled Stimu-crank)

Homer: Sold! (Takes pills and eats them all)

Old Clerk: You can't take that many pep pills at once!

Homer: Don't worry. I'll balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but i don't wanna eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated! (cries)

Bart: Dad, they're going to kill us!

Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this?

Marge: Your father sold all of our tools for M&M's again.

Simpsons Bible Stories[edit]

Homer (as Adam): [to Marge (as Eve)] You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

(The Simpsons watch as their neighborhood is engulfed by The Apocalypse)

Marge: Oh, no, it's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?

Bart: Not anymore.

Lisa: It's The Rapture, and I never knew true love.

Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.

Wiggum: Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodusing" as we speak.

Skinner: Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.

Wiggum: Okay, but who's gonna build your pyramids?

Skinner: Well, we- After them!

Milhouse as Moses: (Israelites reach the Red Sea as the Egyptians chase them) Screw this! I'm converting. Save us, O Mighty Ra!

Slave Lisa: Now we have 40 years of wandering in the desert.

Milhouse/Moses: Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?

Slave Lisa: Uh, more or less...Hey, is that manna?

Bart/David: Goliath II is gonna pay. And this time, it's biblical.

Mom and Pop Art[edit]

[Homer tries to build a barbecue pit]

Homer: English side ruined! Must use French instructions! "Le grille"? What the hell is that?!

[...]

Homer: [some time later] Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit. WHY DOESN'T MINE LOOK LIKE THAT?! [screams in rage] WHY?! Why must life be so hard?! Why must I fail in every attempt at masonry?!

[Homer is getting hit by soup cans thrown by Andy Warhol]

Andy Warhol: Soup's on, fat boy.

[Homer is on the ground whimpering. Warhol approaches him with a larger soup can. Homer awakes from the dream.]

Homer: Andy! No!

Marge: Homer! Homer!

Homer: [waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [he holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings] Oh. Let's get out of here.

Homer: [as he looks at a picture of "Life in Hell"'s Akbar and Jeff] Matt Groening? What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.

Skinner: Edna, look! A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest.

Krabappel: You mean the janitor's closet? Ha!

Skinner: Oh, what's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say "ha!" to everything.

Krabappel: I want a baby... Now! [Bart is watching them]

Skinner: Why don't we continue this in Pool Supplies?

Homer: How about it, Bart? Would you like a new backyard barbecue pit?

Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?

Homer: We can all burn evidence in it.

[as Homer attempts to get rid of the barbecue pit by putting it in the "Toys for Tots" bin...]

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only.

Homer: Well, of course! Any kid would love to have this ... activity center. It teaches them while they learn!

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle!

Homer: But...but-

Chief Wiggum: You heard me, [pokes Homer's gut with nightstick] Père Noël. [Homer puts the barbecue pit on the cart and leaves; Fat Tony, Legs, and Louie come and dump a body in a bag into the bin] Whatcha got there?

Louie: Beanie Baby.

Astrid: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art". It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.

Homer: [gasps] In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Be a Mental Patient, Hillbilly, or Chimpanzee"!

Homer: Lisa, all great artists love free food. Check out Jasper Johns.

Jasper Johns: [stuffs food into his jacket] You squeal on me, I'll kill you.

Marge: Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?

Homer: Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I painted portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.

Marge: That's my life you're describing!

Homer: I think I remember my own life, Marge.

Homer: Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer, and these are my fans: Gunter, Kilto, and Cecil Hamstead on Cecil Cecil.

Moe: So, uh, you guys are Euro trash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?

Gunter: Eh, to be honest, we are a drift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.

Moe: Uh-huh, so where might this sea be located?

Gunther: You've gone from hip to boring. Why don't you call us when you get to kitsch.

Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil Cecil: Come on Gunther, Kyoto. If we hurry we can still catch the heroin craze.

Homer: Why don't people like my art anymore?

Marge: Homer, I know you worked hard, but all of your ... things were kind of the same.

Homer: Hey, Ray Jay Johnson never changed his act, and he's more popular now than he's ever been.

Lisa: Who?

Homer: "You can call him Ray, or you can call him Jay, or you can call him Ray Jay, but you doesn't have to call him..."

Lisa: I'm sick of him already.

[Homer and Bart are throwing welcome mats out of the car windows, covering up the street drains]

Bart: Hit the road, "Welcome home"!

Homer: Adiós, "Casa de Flanders"!

Bart: See you in Hell, "God bless this house"!

Homer: So long, "The Simpsons"! ... D'OH!

[as Homer opens up the fire hydrants]

Bart: Are you sure this is art and not vandalism?

Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

[after Homer floods Springfield]

Astrid: [while floating on a log] I love it, Homer! You've turned this town into a work of art! I just wish Jasper Johns hadn't stolen my boat.

Jasper Johns: [speeds by on a motorboat which splashes Astrid] So long, suckers!

Flanders: Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.

Maude: [gasps] Isn't that Homer Simpson?

Flanders: Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

Marge: Well, Homer, I have to admit, you created something people really love. You truly are an artist.

Homer: No, I'm just a nut who couldn't build a barbecue.

The Old Man and The "C" Student[edit]

Abe: Settle a bet. Boil or mole?

Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?

(Bart is about to say something when Skinner quickly puts his hand over his mouth)

Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.

(the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning)

Ralph: Intercourse?

Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

(Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no")

Monty Can't Buy Me Love[edit]

Mr Burns: It's time to win the love of these hate-filled morons.

Mr Burns: The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?

Mr Burns: Simpson! I want to be loved.

Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

Selma: Single? He passes the Selma test!

They Saved Lisa's Brain[edit]

(Homer talks to the boudoir photographer over the phone)

Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?

Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.

Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

Lisa: [writing her letter] We can better ourselves!

[Lisa then sees a naked Bart riding a pig in the hallway]

Lisa: [to herself] Well, most of us.

[Stephen Hawking and Homer go for beers at Moe's]

Stephen Hawking: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.

Homer Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.

Moe: All right, it's closing time. Who's payin' the tab?

Homer: [imitating Hawking's voice] I am.

Stephen Hawking: I didn't say that.

Homer: [still imitating Hawking] Yes, I did. [Hawking hits Homer in the face with the boxing glove from his wheelchair] D'oh.

Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo[edit]

Groundskeeper Willie: Let's see what's been captured in the Up-Kilt camera. Ugh, this lass needs a bit of groundskeepin'. Agh, that's Willie!

PA: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

Marge: C'mon Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.

Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides if we wanted to see Japanese people, we could've gone to the zoo.

Marge: (offended by Homer's allegedly racist comment) Homer!

Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He was in my book club.

Lisa: Look, Mom, the safety instructions are written in haiku.

"Fasten seat belts tight.

Your seat cushions float gently.

Headsets, five dollars."

Japanese toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

Homer: (gasps) They're years ahead of us!

Bart: (as he turns on the TV in the next room) Mom, Lis, check it out, Dad's on TV.

Homer: (unzips his pants and sits on the toilet) Oh, yeah!

Marge, Bart and Lisa: (from the next room) Agghh!

Captain: Uh, folks, we're experiencing some moderate Godzilla-related turbulence at this time, so I'm going to go ahead and ask you to put your seatbelts back on. When we get to 35 thousand feet, he usually does let go, so from there on out, all we have to worry about is Mothra, and, uh, we do have reports he's tied up with Gamera and Rodan at the present time. Thank you very much.

Lenny: Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?

Moe: Wait a minute. If that's Homer, who's been putting beers on his tab?

Barney: [dressed unconvincingly as Homer] D'oh! Woo-hoo! Uh... That boy ain't right!

The Simpsons Season 11

Contents [hide]

1 Beyond Blunderdome

2 Brother's Little Helper

3 Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?

4 Treehouse of Horror X

5 E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)

6 Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

7 Eight Misbehavin'

8 Take My Wife, Sleaze

9 Grift of the Magi

10 Little Big Mom

11 Faith Off

12 The Mansion Family

13 Saddlesore Galactica

14 Alone Again, Natura-Diddily

15 Missionary: Impossible

16 Pygmoelian

17 Bart to the Future

18 Days of Wine and D'oh'ses

19 Kill the Alligator and Run

20 Last Tap Dance in Springfield

21 It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

22 Behind the Laughter

Beyond Blunderdome[edit]

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!

Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?

(Trio drives up to the dummy)

Milo: Hey, it's just a dummy.

Christian: I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

Mel Gibson: So Homer, will you come to Hollywood with me?

Homer: You had me at hello ("smiles")

Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.

(Crowd surrounds Mel Gibson)

Mel Gibson: Hi, everybody.

Dr. Nick: Hi, Mel Gibson!

(Marge, Bart, and Lisa are walking the streets of Hollywood)

Marge: Oh, look, they're shooting a movie! Robert Downey Jr.'s shooting it out with the police!

(Scene shows Robert Downey Jr. and police officers firing shots at each other)

Bart: (Looks around) I don't see any cameras...

(After the executive screening of Mel's violent remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

Executive: You've desecrated a classic! This is even worse than Godfather III!

Mel Gibson: Hey, hey, let's not say things we can't take back.

Executive: You're right, that was uncalled for, I apologize. But this film's never going to see the light of day!

Brother's Little Helper[edit]

Groundskeeper Willie: [talking to Skinner about Bart] Just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe into his back! [conversationally] I can make it look like suicide!

Mark McGwire:Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?

Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]

Burns: Smithers, we're at war!

Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.

Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

Marge: I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?

Pharm 1: Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.

Marge: Oh.

Pharm 2: You said he was concerned about satellites?

Marge: And their beams.

Pharm 2: Any other strange behavior?

Homer: He quit blinking. He says that's when they kill you.

Pharm 2: I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates molecular model]

Homer: And we trusted you! [strangles model]

Marge: I think we should take him off the drug.

Pharm 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.

Pharm 2: But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.

Pharm 1: Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?

Pharm 2: That's a great idea! [they kiss]

Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?[edit]

Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson, and Homer in the car on the way to the Springfield Shopper

Milhouse: Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "D."

Nelson: Dingus! [Nelson punches Milhouse on the head]

Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.

Nelson: Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.

Homer: Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.

Bart: Well, that's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Homer: D'oh! (echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot)

(all arrive at the Springfield Shopper and Homer is holding a balloon that says "Zoo")

Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa: And what percent is that?

Newspaper editor: Zero.

(Lisa frowns)

Newspaper editor: Zero's a percent.

Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Homer: Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!

Bart: Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'll be on Easy Street!

(Homer and Lisa are dining at a rotating restaurant)

Lisa: The food is exquisite.

Homer: And the view is... (the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain) beautiful... (the restaurant rotates to show a church) inspirational...(the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV) nauseating...(groans and passes out)

Critic #1: (to Homer) Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up", what the hell is that?

Homer: The food at the Gilded Truffle really ... What's a good word?

Maggie: (sucks on pacifier)

Homer: Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really ... Come on, help me out here!

Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!

Homer: Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.

Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

Homer: Chewy! That's inspired!

Luigi: Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.

McAllister: Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.

Akira: Then, why did you put yours in the window?

McAllister: Argh, it's covered up the 'D' from the health inspector.

Man: Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.

Akira: No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him!

Izzi Diner Chef: Hold on a minute. Are we changing to murderers.

McAllister: Does that answer your question?

Akira: We'll kill him at the taste of Springfield Festival. We'll make him eat until he can eat no more. Then, he can have just dessert.

French Chef: This will be Homer Simpson's last lawn lough.

Man: Come on, you're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!

French Chef: This éclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that light cannot escape its surface. No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.

Akira: Ah, yes, Death by Chocolate.

French Chef: ...and poison, I'll stick in some poison. (Restaurant Owners Laughing Evilly)

Marge: Only your father can take up a part-time job in a small town newspaper and end up the target of international assassins.

Treehouse of Horror X[edit]

Prof. Frink: Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.

Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.

Frink: I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 —

Lawless: Wizard.

Frink: [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.

The Collector: Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built; it was fired only once...to keep William Shatner from making another album!

[The Simpsons walk through Springfield as chaos ensues]

Lisa: Well, look at the wonders of the computer age, now.

Homer: Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?

Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.

Homer: Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

Lisa: Mom, make him stop.

Homer: [Trying to pass himself off as smart to let himself onto the rocket to Mars] Surely, you must know me! I'm the piano genius from the movie Shine!

Rocket Security Guard: [Unconvinced] Uh-huh. And your name is...

Homer: Uh...Shiney McShine?

[Homer is looking around the spaceship]

Homer: Ooh! There's Ross Perot...Dr. Laura...Spike Lee...

Bart: Wait, they're not that great.

Homer: Okay, there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love...Tonya Harding...Al Sharpton?

[Tom Arnold walks in]

Homer: AAH! Tom Arnold?! What the hell's going on?

Bart: Only that ship's going to Mars. This one's headed straight for the sun!

Tom Arnold: Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)[edit]

(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!

Lisa: I'll weed the floor!

Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a fake smile on her face)

(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)

Homer: Try some, won't you?

Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

Chief Wiggum: (does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

Ralph Wiggum: I want more! (Starts devouring more tomacco)

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. (Joins his son)

Homer: (chuckles)

Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder[edit]

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)

Homer: (in baby talk) Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly) And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?

Homer: I think I know what they're doing here Lisa. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.

Marge: Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?!

Homer: Well, in bowling ability.

([Homer is concentrating hard on bowling a perfect 300 game])

Lenny: Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!

Homer: Lenny!

Lenny: What?! I paid 7-10 for this split!

Carl: Will you at least call it a banana split you dumbwad!

Lenny: Hey! Spare me your guttermouth-

(Is cut off by Homer throwing a bowling ball at his stomach.)

Eight Misbehavin'[edit]

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)

Apu: Here goes nothing.

Apu and Manjula: (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.

Manjula: All that sex for nothing.

Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

(Apu is asleep with the babies)

Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.

Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.

Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!

Ned Flanders: [After Apu complains about his babies] Well, they can be a handful...of joy!

Apu: Shut up!

Flanders: They can fill your life with-

Apu: Shut up!

Flanders: Can't put a price on a miracle!

Apu: I can't believe you won't shut up!

Larry Kidkill: Listen, how would you like to come with me?

Apu: Okay.

Manjula: Wait, you don't even know who he is!

Apu: Who cares? There's only one of him!

Take My Wife, Sleaze[edit]

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satan's comes to order.

Flanders: I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders: No, see-

Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!

Meathook: (to Homer) There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.

Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

Grift of the Magi[edit]

Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."

Fat Tony: I don't get mad, I get stabby.

Principal Skinner: This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

Ralph: Fun toys are fun!

Teacher: Well said, Ralph, but we're trying to come up with a name for a toy?

Janey Powell: Mrs. Fun?

Teacher: Not bad!

Ralph: Fun?

Teacher: Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you a F!

Ralph: The before teacher yelled at me too.

Teacher: No-one's yelling, Ralph, we're just brainstorming. Lisa, any ideas?

Lisa: Oh, a name with fun? Fungus, Funzo, Atilla the Fun...

Teacher: Lisa, are you doing math?!

Lisa: Just a few Venn diagrams.

Ralph: There's more under her chair!

Krusty: So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip-Top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. And now, a word from my god, our sponsor...

Lindsay Naegle: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.

Gary Coleman: What you talkin' 'bout, Miss Naegle?

Lindsay Naegle: That is so adorable! You're rehired!

Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' 'bout.

Little Big Mom[edit]

Homer: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.

Ski Instructor: [In Homer's thoughts] If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is-

Flanders: (Cutting in)' Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!

("Nothin' at all!" echoes several times.)

Homer: Aah! Stupid sexy Flanders..!

Homer: I got the groceries!

Lisa: Good! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut bread?

Homer: It's the bread of astronauts.

Bart: I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...

[Lisa sends Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]

Lisa: Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!

Homer: Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!

Lisa: You stay away from Lenny!

[the Simpsons gaze the spectacular sunset with Homer calling in the dermabrasion hut]

Homer: Aloha AIIE!

Aloha OHHE!

Until we meet aAIGH!

Faith Off[edit]

Homer: (cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Tri-tip?

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer: Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Brother Faith: Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

The Mansion Family[edit]

[Mr Burns is filling in a medical form.]

Mr Burns: Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

[Bart is riding his bike through the hallways of Mr. Burns' mansion; he hits and upturns a table before cycling off.]

Bart: I'm Al Unser Jr.!

[Lisa rides through the hallway on a horse.]

Lisa: (British accent) I'm Princess Margaret!

[A heavily drunken Homer rides through the hallway and crashes through the upturned table on a rideable lawnmower.]

Homer: (slurred) I'm DRUNK!

Homer: Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me! Not you, not its rightful owner, not anyone! (downs entire goblet of wine) And another thing: if I eve- (passes out)

Marge: All I'm saying is, don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.

Homer: Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party!

Marge: Party?! No! No parties!

Homer: What about "par-tays"?

Marge: No "part-tays", no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!

Homer: Damn! [looks at a box social invitation, featuring an image of him on an old-fashioned bicycle] And I looked so good on that bike...

Carl: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...

[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others away from kegs of beer]

Moe: I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!

Barney: Legally you could give us free beer. [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!

Lenny: Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!

Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.

Mr. Burns: You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

Homer: Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics". They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

[Sure enough, two monkeys are fighting with knives while a cheering crowd watches]

Moe: Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! [one of the monkeys screams] Ha-ha! He ain't pretty no more!

Saddlesore Galactica[edit]

Marge: Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?

Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.

Homer: Anybody care what this guy thinks?

Crowd: No!

Nelson: Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.

Jimbo/Kearney: Guff?!

Nelson: I mean shi- [both punch Nelson]

Homer: Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?

Jockey: [suddenly appears] No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! [Homer sobs]

Homer: Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.

Bart: You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.

Homer: Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.

Bart: Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.

Homer: Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [giggles] All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart: Huh?

Homer: I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Alone Again, Natura-Diddily[edit]

Ned Flanders: Maude?

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, my lord! She's dead!

Ned Flanders: (gasps)

Marge: It's hard to believe that we'll never see Maude again.

Homer: Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.

Homer: I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned: Are you sure?

Homer: Positive! There's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes-

Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer: Oh, he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

[While Homer is filming Lenny, Carl, and Barney in front of Moe's Tavern for Ned's bachelor tape]

Homer: So don't waste your time dating hopeless losers like these!

Carl: ...What are you doing, Homer?

Missionary: Impossible[edit]

TV: You're watching PBS.

Bart: You're watching PBS?!

Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

Bart: Cheeky!

Mr. Rogers: It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!

Oscar The Grouch: Give us the money!

Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!

[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'

Homer: You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!

Amy: First of all, forget everything you learned in Missionary school.

Homer: Done.

Craig: We taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

Qtoktok: So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?

Homer: Yeah.

Qtoktok: Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.

Homer: Nah, I'm good.

[Shortly after there is a small earthquake]

Homer: Ahh! What was that?!

Qtoktok: We call that- (starts making gagging and choking noises) sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, "earthquake".

Homer: Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!

Pygmoelian[edit]

Moe: (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?

Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)

Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)

Carl: (to the audience) See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe: I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"

Gay Republican #1: What we need is a symbol that says, "We're gay and Republican!

(Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.)

Gay Republican #2: A little on-the-nose, don't you think?

Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?

Gay Republican: We're realistic.

Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.

Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

(during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days)

Titania: Ew! (to Duffman) You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!

Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!

Producer: You idiot - Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.

Moe: Whaa?

Producer: [holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.

Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.

Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

Bart to the Future[edit]

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson: Right, right. Present.

[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]

Marge Simpson: So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

Chinese Man: You pay now! Now! [pounds fist on table]

Bart: What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.

Chinese Man: Hey, China is still cool. You pay later. Later! [pounds fist on table]

Days of Wine and D'oh'ses[edit]

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)

Homer: I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart: Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer: All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.

Marge: [As she walks into the kitchen] I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]

Homer: Behold! I am king Tocki Ticki![The Hawaiian statue breathed fire as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flanders! Can your god do that?

Ned: Actually Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-

Homer: Irregardless! I am your god now! [Flanders walks away as Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!

Marge: Homie, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?

Homer: [shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki![dropping the statue which catches on fire] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]

Kent: Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.

Kent: So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap."

Reynolds: I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's... garbage.

Homer: Barney!

[Homer picks up the payphone]

Homer: The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

Bart: You did it, Dad!

Homer: [drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa: No, you saved our lives.

Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Kill the Alligator and Run[edit]

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!

Doctor: They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

[The Simpsons are driving to Florida]

Lisa: Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!

Bart: Mom! Lisa's growing!

Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.

Homer: [Holding a pennant that says "Mental"] My pockets hurt!

(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)

Bart: Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer: (threateningly) It'll be real soon enough!

Homer: Arizona smells funny.

(The Simpsons are put on trial for evading the police and murdering Captain Jack the alligator)

Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. (clears throat and turns to the left): Drunken hicks of the jury...

(cut to a jury box filled with offended rednecks gasping. One drinks from a bottle of beer)

Last Tap Dance in Springfield[edit]

(Marge and Lisa leave the theater after the end of Tango De La Muerte)

Lisa: Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!

Marge: That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?

[cut to Homer, whose eyes have crusted over from not taking his eye drops after laser surgery, in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Kearney is driving while Dolph and Jimbo are in the back seat]

Kearney: [doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.

Homer: Yes, dear.

[Dolph and Jimbo snicker from the back seat and exchange a high-five]

Ralph: Teacher, my shoes are making noise!

Vicki: You must be Ralph.

Ralph: My daddy shoots people!

Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

Vicki Valentine: I'm sorry but treating people like equals when they most clearly aren't is called what kids?

Children: Communism.

Vicki Valentine: Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed!

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge[edit]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

Ice Cream Store Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I can only see a horrible rainbow!

Behind the Laughter[edit]

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

[Camera cuts to Homer]

Homer: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Marge: [After scenes are shown from the first pilot] Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.

[Camera cuts to Homer]

Homer: Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.

[Rehearsal footage from shooting a Simpsons episode]

Homer: Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!

Bart: Cowabunga, dude!

Director: And cut!

Bart: Dad, I've never said "cowabunga" in my life! Your script sucks!

Homer: Why you little...! [starts strangling Bart]

Director: Hey, that's funny!

[Homer and Bart pause for a moment, then continue with some fake strangling, camera cuts to Homer being interviewed for the program]

Homer: And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.

Lenny: Oh, yeah, Bart was throwing money all over the place. He even paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!

Carl: Hey, did we ever get that money?

Announcer: The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it?

Announcer: The Simpsons started on a wing and a prayer, but now, the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered... by Satan.

The Simpsons Season 12

Contents [hide]

1 Treehouse of Horror XI

2 A Tale of Two Springfields

3 Insane Clown Poppy

4 Lisa the Tree Hugger

5 Homer vs. Dignity

6 The Computer Wore Menace Shoes

7 The Great Money Caper

8 Skinner's Sense of Snow

9 HOMЯ

10 Pokey Mom

11 Worst Episode Ever

12 Tennis the Menace

13 Day of the Jackanapes

14 New Kids on the Blecch

15 Hungry, Hungry Homer

16 Bye Bye Nerdie

17 Simpson Safari

18 Trilogy of Error

19 I'm Goin' to Praiseland

20 Children of a Lesser Clod

21 Simpsons Tall Tales

Treehouse of Horror XI[edit]

Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!

St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.

Homer: What? I thought you guys could see everything!

St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer: Well I'll be damned.

St. Peter: I'm afraid so, yes. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell]

[Homer is sent to hell, he sees the Devil standing behind him]

Homer: I am Homer Simpson-

Devil: Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!

Homer: (as the Devil advances on him) Oh no...! (Devil starts giving Homer a noogie)

Devil: Ha-ha! (continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain) Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.

John Wayne: [appearing from a nearby cave] I'm already up.

Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!

Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!

Snorky: Arr, I'm a Sea Captain. Arr. (both laughing)

Lenny: [Takes a drink while swimming at night] Mmmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination!

Snorky: (in high child's voice) Snork speak man... (coughs, deep voice) I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

Moe: What did he say!

Carl: He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.

Moe: [surprised] What?

Snorky: Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.

Marge: But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...

Snorky: We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa: Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.

Snorky: [gasps] That was you?

Homer: It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!

Snorky: I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

Crowd: Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]

Moe: I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

A Tale of Two Springfields[edit]

Moe: Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.

Lisa: Well, according to , badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.

Bart: [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...

Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

Bart: Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]

Lisa: That says corn, Bart.

Bart: Must you embarrass me?

[Homer tries to call Animal Control but gets a special information tone]

Recording: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.

Homer: Area code? But it's a local call!

Marge: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.

Homer: 9-3-9!? What the hell is that!? Oh, my life is ruined!

Marge: Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.

Homer: Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.

Kent Brockman: [about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"

Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.

Bart: You come here a minute!

Homer: Oh yeah?

(Homer looks at his hand which reads Lenny = white, Carl = black)

Homer: (confused) Is that right?

Insane Clown Poppy[edit]

Marge: So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?

Stephen King: Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.

Marge: Oh, that's too bad.

King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, (menacingly, as dark clouds gather) and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? (thunderclap) IT OPENED THE GATES OF HELL!

Marge: Well, let me know when you get back to horror.

King: (cheerfully) Will do! (Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror)

Marge: Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon".

Christopher Walken: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." (children listening slowly back away terrified) Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.

Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!

Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.

Homer: Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. (to God) So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? (family stares at him in shock) Amen. (starts eating)

Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

(Fat Tony, Krusty, Moe, Snake and Homer are playing poker at Fat Tony's hideout)

Krusty: My little girl's sharp as a tack. I tried the "got your nose" bit on her - didn't fool her for a second.

Homer: My uncle still has my nose.

Krusty: (tries to contain his excitement at having four aces with a king kicker; but his bowtie spins) Oh, what a lousy hand! I'll stand.

Fat Tony: I raise two Gs.

Moe: I'm out.

Snake: Fold-o-rama.

Homer: Can we make this hand high-low?

Fat Tony: No.

Homer: I fold.

Fat Tony: Krusty, are you in, or are you out?

Krusty: Oh, man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?

Fat Tony: You mean ... this one? (pulls up his sleeve to show the watch)

Krusty: Oh yeah, right. Just let me go to my car. (leaves)

(Homer starts singing owimoweh from "The Lion Sleeps Tonight")

Fat Tony: Don't do that.

(Krusty searches his car for valuable and tries to pry out his car stereo with a crowbar, setting off the car alarm, deploying the airbag and knocking him into the back seat) Krusty: (groaning) The best hand of my life and I can't even - (noticing an object in the back seat) Sophie's violin. Oh no, I couldn't! (The four aces in his head sing to him, reminding Krusty that Sophie won't find out about it) (Back at the game, a jewelry appraiser inspects the violin)

Appraiser: Well, it won't bring much cash, but its sentimental value is through the roof!

Fat Tony: It is acceptable.

Krusty: Then I'm in and I call! Four aces, read 'em and -

Fat Tony: (deadpan) Straight flush. (Fat Tony puts his hand, 2-3-4-5-6 of diamonds on the table, to Krusty's horror, and takes the pot)

Krusty: Oh, no, no! You can't! My daughter will never forgive me!

Fat Tony: (imitates playing a violin) Oh wait. Now I can do it for real. (Fat Tony plays a song on Sophie's violin in front of a distraught Krusty)

Homer: (As he's running from the mob shooting at him) Hey, I said I was sorry.

The mob: Well, in that case we'll stop. What a class act and nice guy. (They stop shooting)

Homer: Sorry, you are such jerks. (They begin shooting at him again)

Lisa the Tree Hugger[edit]

Moe: Hey, no menus!

Marge: Oh no! My baby's up there!

Lisa: It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!

Homer: [to Jesse] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!

Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

Jesse: I'm a level five vegan - I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Rich Texan: [after the runaway tree destroys Hemp World] Yeehaw! Score one for the bad guys!

Lisa: Mom, Dad, there's something I have to do. You're not gonna like it, but I really believe it's the right thing. [leaves]

Homer: Marge, she's gonna narc on our stash!

Marge: We don't have a stash.

Homer: [shifty eyes] No, of... course not.

Homer vs. Dignity[edit]

Mr. Burns: [After Smithers told him about his musical about dolls] Well, why not write a musical about the common cat, or the King of Siam?

Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?

Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Kent Brockman: Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

Financial Planner: It doesn't look like you've been saving anything for the future!

Chief Wiggum: Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.

Financial Planner: Well, what if you don't get shot?

Wiggum: What a terrible thing to say! Oh, look! You made my wife cry!

The Computer Wore Menace Shoes[edit]

(The Springfield Police Department web page is shown.)

Chief Wiggum: If you have committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.

(Homer clicks 'No'.)

Chief Wiggum: You have chosen 'No', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. (van symbol is shown) A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.

Homer: Hey!

Chief Wiggum: While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!

Number 2: (After Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a big balloon would stop him?

Scientist: Shut up! That's why!

(Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.)

Chief Wiggum: In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruder, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.

Phil: Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department- (Cut off by Wiggum)

Wiggum: I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.

Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?

Wiggum: All right, this press conference is over!

Moe: Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.

Homer: Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret.

Moe: No.

Homer: Not even a little one?

Moe: No!

Homer: What if I just whisper it?

Moe: No, I tells ya!

The Great Money Caper[edit]

Abe Simpson: This scam was in The Sting Part 2, so nobody knows about it.

Abe Simpson: I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife!

Ralph Wiggum: [Covered in fake blood] I look like cable TV!

Skinner's Sense of Snow[edit]

Kent Brockman: Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!

Marge: I don't like the sound of that "class 3".

Kent Brockman: And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. (At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net)

Burns: He shoots, he scores!

Smithers: (laughs) Perfect form sir.

Marge: Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?

Homer: I dunno. Internet?

Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)

Chalmers: Skinner!

Skinner: Well, that didn't help.

(Reading his permanent record)

Bart: 'Underachiever and proud of it." How old is this thing?

Nelson: (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.

Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.

Nelson: I spit on your monitors.

Skinner: I know. That's why the position's available.

[Homer and Ned are about to collide with a silo]

Ned: We're gonna crash!

Homer: Do you have air bags?

Ned: No! The church opposes them for some reason!

(After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned)

Nelson: What was that?

Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over.

Bart: Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)

Martin: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)

Skinner: You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

Nibbles: Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow mobile)

Chalmers: Skinner!

Skinner: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?

Skinner: Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-

Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.

Bart: There is, sir.

Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow mobile)

Bart: We're trapped in the school!

(Kids scream)

Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!

(Kids scream louder)

Principal Skinner: I fixed the DVD!

(Kids scream even louder)

Skinner: Well, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too!

Willie: OK Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!

Skinner: Fine, I'll do the job myself.

HOMЯ[edit]

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.

Homer: Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!

(Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.

Homer: Animotion.

Voice: Animotion: up one and one eighth.

Homer: Yahoo!

Voice: Yahoo!: up six and a quarter.

Homer: Huh, what is this crap?

Voice: Fox Broadcasting: down eight.

(Homer grins smugly)

Male Scientist: I'm sorry, Mr. Simpson, we don't play God here!

Homer: That's preposterous! You do nothing but play God, and I think your octoparrot would agree!

Octoparrot: [squawks] Ark! Polly shouldn't be! [whistles]

[Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon]

Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.

Homer: [crashes through the window] Who wants lottery tickets?

Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.

Pokey Mom[edit]

Jack: Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.

Marge: (confused) Mecca? Uh...

Jack: (chuckles) I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

Lisa: So how was it in the slammer?

Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.

Bart: (Chuckles) That Bob.

Worst Episode Ever[edit]

[Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]

Ralph: Everybody's hugging!

Comic Book Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

Carl: Hey, you knocking beer?

Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff!

(Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)

Lenny: Ahhh, piece of crap.

Homer: Come on, you're here to make friends.

Comic Book Guy: Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.

Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.

Carl: Hey, they keep us cool in the summer pal!

Tennis the Menace[edit]

Homer: It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.

Flanders: Hey ya got a tennis court?

Homer: Keep walking Flanders.

Flanders: Will do.

Homer: Faster!

Kent Brockman: That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.

Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?

Kent Brockman: (nervous laughing) Well... (Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)

(Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)

Writer 1: Come on hurry up. (Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note) I guess you could say it's my racket.

Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.

Homer: (gasps) (threatening tone) Get off my property.

Lisa: Dad, you are just going through a classic Oedipal anxiety. You remember the story of Oedipus, don't you?

Homer: Maybe five bucks will refresh my memory...

Lisa: (groaning) Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!

Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!

Day of the Jackanapes[edit]

Marge: I think it's good for a show to retire before it gets old and stale.

Smithers: (walks in tired) Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!

(the family stares blankly at Smithers)

Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotize Bart

Sideshow Bob: You are in my power.

Bart: I am at your command.

Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.

Bart: I am in your power.

Sideshow Bob: Excellent. Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old archenemy.

Bart: I thought I was your archenemy?

Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Sideshow Bob: Ah, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be Napoleon Blownaparte!

Techie: Ugh, terrible!

Sideshow Bob: Oh, hush up, Leo.

New Kids on the Blecch[edit]

Bart: Who are you?

L.T. Smash: Aw, you'll find out in due time.

Bart: [reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror] Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.

L.T. Smash: The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.

L.T. Smash: I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!

[someone spins a chair around to reveal Milhouse, with a new haircut and hipper clothing]

Milhouse: What up, G-money?

L.T. Smash: Next: He'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart - Nelson.

[spins chair to reveal Nelson]

Bart: Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?

Ralph: [spins his own chair around] Whee! I'm a pop sensation!

Lisa takes off a '.' sticker on L.T. Smash's name sign and gasps

Lisa: Lt. Smash!

L.T. Smash: Yeah, that's right. Lt. L.T. Smash.

Lisa: How could you ruin the good name of Star Blitzzz! Productions?

L.T. Smash: It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.

Lisa: Super liminal?

L.T. Smash: I'll show you... (Shouts out the window at Lenny and Carl) HEY YOU! Join the navy!

Carl: Yeah, alright.

Lenny: I'm in!

Hungry, Hungry Homer[edit]

Henry Duff: Say, before you leave, Homer, why don't you try our newest product? We've developed an additive that makes Duff beer super, super malty.

Homer: (Suspicious) Will this erase my memory?

Henry Duff: No, of course not.

(Homer goes to drink, then is syringed by Duffman. He collapses)

Henry Duff: (sipping the beer). Man, this IS malty. But he'll never know!

(Duff and Duffman laugh maniacally)

Homer: Who are you?

Ghost of César Chávez: I am the spirit of César Chávez.

Homer: Then why do you look like César Romero?

Ghost of César Chávez: Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.

Vendor: Get your Duck! Fresh, crispy Peking Duck!

Otto: Hey, duck man! Over here!

(Vendor throws Otto a duck)

Otto: (eating) Mmmm. (almost orgasmically) Mmmmmm!

Albuquerque Mayor: See how much Dallas wants for the Cowboys..

Assistant: That's a football team, sir.

Albuquerque Mayor: They'll play what I tell them to play...for I am the mayor of Albuquerque!

Bye Bye Nerdie[edit]

[Francine is going on a rampage beating up every scientist in sight]

Francine: SUCK FIST, DOCTOR DORK!

Simpson Safari[edit]

Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.

Bag Boy 1: Can you please- Ow! Stop? Bag boys had feelings too, you know?

Homer: No, you don't.

Homer: 'Sulfur jerky'? 'Cream of Toast'? Where do we get this crap?

Marge: Mostly they were from relatives who couldn't see very well.

Homer: Okay, here's the situation: We're hopelessly lost and about to die.

[a crocodile roars up from the river. The family screams]

Homer: Don't worry! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender.

Trilogy of Error[edit]

Wiggum: [answering phone] 9-1-1. This'd better be good.

Marge: I just cut off my husband's thumb!

Wiggum: ATTEMPTED MURDER?! YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS! BURN IN JAIL!

Marge: It was an accident!

Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. Save it for "Dateline: Tuesday." Uh, what's your address so I can come arrest you?

Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address, it's um, 1-2-3... Fake Street.

Wiggum: [writing address down] 1-2-3 Fake Street. Okay see you soon!

Dr. Nick Riviera: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

I'm Goin' to Praiseland[edit]

Rich Texan: May the Lord have mercy on your gas-sniffin' orphan-beatin' souls.

Homer: Christ be with you.

Children of a Lesser Clod[edit]

Homer: [in a video of him chasing Bart down the street with a chain mace] I'll mace you good!

Bart: Aargh!

Homer: Hey! That is completely taken out of context.

(Flanders comes over to pick up Rod and Todd)

Flanders: So, did you boys have a good time?

Rod: Yeah, Mr. Simpson was really funny.

Todd: He told us how the world keeps screwing him over.

Arnie Pie: (describing Homer's actions) He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog. Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Kent Brockman: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?

Arnie Pie: I can't see through metal, Kent!

Simpsons Tall Tales[edit]

Hobo: Don't worry, I'm not a stabbing hobo, I'm a singing hobo. (picks up his banjo and begins to sing) Nothin' beats the hobo life / Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife! I gouge them-

Marge: Could you sing something a little less mind raffling?

Hobo: Okay. Why don't you listen to my tale that's ten stories tall, about a man named Bunyan comma Paul!

The Simpsons Season 13

Contents [hide]

1 Treehouse of Horror XII

2 The Parent Rap

3 Homer the Moe

4 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love

5 The Blunder Years

6 She of Little Faith

7 Brawl in the Family

8 Sweets and Sour Marge

9 Jaws Wired Shut

10 Half-Decent Proposal

11 The Bart Wants What It Wants

12 The Lastest Gun in the West

13 The Old Man and the Key

14 Tales from the Public Domain

15 Blame it on Lisa

16 Weekend at Burnsie's

17 Gump Roast

18 I am Furious Yellow

19 The Sweetest Apu

20 Little Girl in the Big Ten

21 The Frying Game

22 Papa's Got a Brand New Badge

Treehouse of Horror XII

(The family is trying out different voices for the Ultra-House and try the Dennis Miller voice)

Dennis Miller Ultra-House Voice: Hey, cha-cha, I got more features than a NASA relief map of Turkmenistan.

Lisa (scared): Isn't that the voice that caused all these suicides?

Marge (happily): Murder-suicides!

Homer: Ah, Ethnictown. Where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming lazy, overfed Americans.

Ultrahouse: [in Pierce Brosnan's voice]: Homer! No!

Homer: I'm gonna enjoy this. [removes the Ultrahouse's chips]

Ultrahouse: Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod! [Homer removes the chip, which happens to be said unit; speaks in an American accent] Ahh, thanks a lot, asswipe! [voice starts to die down] I oughta kick your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat... slime... bucket!

Bart: Awww, we're all out of milk.

Lisa: [takes wand out] Abraca dairy. [milk appears out of thin air and pours into Bart's cereal]

Marge: [rushes in] Kids, it's 8 o'-clock! You're gonna miss the bus to wizards' school.

Lisa: [points wand at clock] Five minutes more-ious. [clock goes back five minutes]

Marge: [annoyed]: Hmm. That's not good for the clock.

Bart: [Attempting to save Lisa from "Lord Montymort" by using her wand] Prank be undone. Destroy the evil one! [He is struck by lightning] Not me.

(The Simpsons are trick-or-treating - Homer and Marge are Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Lisa and Maggie are conjoined twins, and Bart is a hobo. Bart frowns as he looks in his trick-or-treat bag)

Bart: Hey! Flanders gave us toothpaste!

Lisa (as she looks in her trick-or-treat bag too): Mini-toothpaste!

Homer (smashes a cylindrical machine in the basement with an ax): Die, you monster!

Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener.

Homer: Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you can cut me some slack!

The Parent Rap

Harm: Silence in my courtroom! [reads docket] Grand theft auto?

Bart: It was an accident, ma'am.

Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting!

Marge: I don't mean to be disrespectful, Judge Harm, but we are not bad parents. And there isn't a tether in this world with enough fiber optics to make me say that we are. (Judge Harm contemplates Marge's sentiment. Smash cut to Homer and Marge walking out, chained up in stocks): She's such a butthole.

Judge Harm: Bartholomew Simpson, I am sentencing you to 5 years in juvenile hall. [Raises her gavel as the family gasps, suddenly Harm's gavel is taken from her] Huh?

Judge Snyder: [Holding the gavel] Well, I'm back from my vacation.

Judge Harm: [tries to complain] But I was about to pound the gavel, making the sentence official!

Judge Snyder: [cuts her off] Sorry, but I put my clown down. [Gesturing to his clown knickknack on the bench]

Judge Harm: [tries to complain again] But, I was going to-

Judge Synder: [cuts her off again] The clown is down.

Judge Harm: Ugh! [Storms off]

Homer the Moe

Moe: Ah, who am I kidding. I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the icepick. Heh. Remember that?

Homer: That was an amazing throw.

Formico: I am Formico, the Dean of design.

Homer: Hi Formico!

Formico: Uh uh uh, my name must never be spoken.

Homer: Sorry. :to Moe: He seems nice!

Model (In a Russian accent): Ever since Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.

Moe: And "penis" is Russian for?

[As guards come to throw Homer out of Moe's newly-modernized tavern]

Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you.

[He grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street]

Homer: I believe I had a hat.

[Someone throws him a hat]

Homer: Suckers! [Runs away laughing]

(Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are singing along to the tune of 'I Love Rock 'n' Roll' by Joan Jett)

I won't drink at Moe's!

Homer's old garage is all I need!

I won't drink at Moe's...

Homer: 'Cause Moe's a big jerk and a she-male too!

(R.E.M. are playing in Homer's garage. Homer is singing along to 'It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)')

Homer: Leonardo What's-His-Name, Herman Munster, motorcade,

Birthday parties, Cheetos, pogo sticks and lemonade!

You symbiotic, stupid jerk - that's right, Flanders, I am talking about you!

A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love

(Monologue at a party)

Mr. Burns: Damn that Pennybags. Between him and Scrooge McDuck all the best ankle is taken.

Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young sexy fiance and he was my sexually virile best friend and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa.

Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old", and 37% say "She's a skank!".

(At Snake's hideout)

Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?

Snake: I think his name was "Gustafsson."

Mr. Burns: 14 dollars and 10,11,12 cents. There you go.

Chinese delivery boy: You know, sir, tipping is customary.

Mr. Burns: Oh, sorry, me no speaky Chinee!

The Blunder Years

Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?

Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest!

Mr. Burns: Did I say "corpse hatch"? Uh... I meant "innocence tube"!

Marge: You found a corpse when you were twelve? No wonder you've been so traumatized.

Homer: It's responsible for everything wrong in my life...my occasional overeating...my fear of corpses!

: Let me get your job to someone new.

She of Little Faith

Lisa: I still believe in God. I just think there's another path to him, or her.

Marge Simpson: Her?! [addressing God] She's just kidding, Mister Lord!

Nelson: Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.

Bart: Who cares?

Dolph: I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.

Jimbo: His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes, he buys us beer.

Bart: I thought Kearney was dating your mom.

Kearney: Hey, she came on to me.

Jimbo: Get him! (The bullies - and Bart - pummel Kearney)

Lisa: I'm not gonna pick a religion just because it sounds cool.

Bart: How about Judaism? When you turn thirteen, cha-ching!

Lisa: [shouting outside] Hey, I'm a Buddhist!

Flanders: [gasps] My Satan sense is tingling!

Homer: So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! (it turns out that he is talking to Bart) So butter your bacon!

Bart: Yes, Father.

Lisa: (walking in) Mom, Dad, my spirital quest is over!

Homer: Hold that thought... (to Bart) Bacon up that sausage, boy!

Bart: But, Dad, my heart hurts! (Homer glares at him, Bart reluctantly wraps a slice of bacon around his sausage and eats it)

Lisa: I'm a Buddhist!

Homer: What? That's it, no more chat rooms for you!

Lisa: Yeah, I wanted to spend Christmas with you guys.

Homer: So you're back on the winning team?

Lisa: No, I'm still Buddhist, but I can worship with my family too.

Marge: So you're just going to pay lip service to our church?

Lisa: Uh-huh!

Homer: That's all I ever asked.

Brawl in the Family

Willie: [acid rain is falling; singing] I'm singin' in the rain

Just singin' in the rain

What a glorious feeling- Argh! [collapses on the ground, as his overalls dissolve] It burns like a Glasgow bikini wax! Gagghhh!

Homer: [drunk] Look, the think about my family is, there's five of us: Marge, Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him. [falls off the barstool]

Sweets and Sour Marge

Homer: What's the longest anyone's ever done this (dances around blurting out sounds)

Lady: Three years.

Homer: Oh Pff.. fine. I'll just play the banjo with this cobra.

Guy: Uh, technically the cobra would get the record, he's the one playing.

Homer: But it's my banjo!

Suicidal man: Good bye, cruel world. (lands on human ball) Hello, ironic twist.

Homer: (After being told Springfield is now officially "the world's fattest city" and looking directly into the camera) In your face, Milwaukee!

Man: Okay man, here's the sugar. Now you give us the money!

Homer: That wasn't part of the deal. Hahaha.

Man: (Reading Contract) He's right... who wrote this thing!?

Jaws Wired Shut

(During the "Soccer Mummy" preview, on the part where Soccer Mummy [Ed O'Neill] is at a soccer game and gets distracted by a cheering woman's bouncing breasts)

Team Mate: "Oh no! The professor told us not to let him get a boner!"

(A ripping sound is heard. Soccer Mummy looks down and shrugs)

Quimby: And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.

Tatum: Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat his children.

Duffman: Hey Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar loooove Duff?

Carl: Hey, it's Duffman!

Lenny: Newsweek said you died of liver failure.

Duffman: Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!

Homer: (In Popeye's accent) Eh, this beer's deliskous. I'm going to saves me wife. Now let's get this show on the road.

Homer: Looks like I need some fuel for me mule, gas for me ass! (Popeye-like laughter)

Half-Decent Proposal

Wiseguy: That's $912.

Marge: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.

Wiseguy: No problemo.

[scene cuts to a German castle, similar in design to Neuschwanstein]

Butler: This just arrived, Herr Baron. [Baron takes letter, reads it, and lowers it to reveal enormous lips]

Baron: Okay, who's der vise guy?

The Bart Wants What It Wants

Homer: Don't worry honey, we can't afford this now, but I promise when the time comes my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is... in South Carolina.

Lisa: I will not be a Gamecock!

Homer: You will too!

Bart: So to win Greta back, I have to go to Toronto.

Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Lisa: [As Homer is about to cross the road] Dad, no! The sign says 'Don't walk'!

Homer: That's okay, they have free health care. [Gets sent flying by an oncoming car] Whoa, I'm rich!

Milhouse: I can't believe we're on the Canadian Olympic basketball team.

Bart: Yep, it's just that easy (shoots ball but misses hoop)

Player: Wow, that was close, you can be the center.

Skinner: How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?

Nelson: How come you suck!?

Skinner: Um... I lack confidence?

The Lastest Gun in the West

[Bart enters the classroom in torn clothes]

Nelson: Ha ha, Bart's family is poor!

Homer: Eh, I'm sick of this tarzan movie.

Lisa: Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.

Homer: Oh, right.

Bart: What's this lunchbox made of?

Buck: Well, back in my day we had a thing called metal. Everything was made of it. Lunchboxes, cars, you name it.

Bart: Me-tal

Kent: This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.

Lisa: I'm Annie Oakley.

Nelson: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles.

Ralph: I'm a gultch.

Kent: So I guess you could say, this barely qualifies as news.

Buck McCoy: Goodbye Bart, never bother me again! Yee-haw!

The Old Man and the Key

Selma: Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye.

Abe: That's my seeing eye. The right one's my winking eye! (winks)

Selma: I'll give you your licence if you never do that again.

Abe: Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.

Homer: (to Abe Simpson) And another thing, no death races.

Homer: (after seeing the incident on Abe Simpson) Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson, (camera comes close to Homer until it reaches his mouth) you are never... driving... again, ever!

(Bus arrives)

Homer: Here we are, Branson, Missouri.

Charles Bronson: No pally, this is Bronson, Missouri.

(Camera pulls back to reveal town full of Charles Bronsons)

Lisa: Well how do we get to Branson?

Bronson Mom: Number 10 bus.

Bronson Son: Hey ma, how bout some cookies?

Bronson Mom: No dice.

Bronson Son: This ain't over.

Tales from the Public Domain

Penelope (Marge): Okay, it has been 20 years and you suitors have been very patient.

Suitor 1 (Sideshow Mel): We've been beyond patient.

Suitor 2 (Krusty): We came here when Helen of Troy was hot. Now, look at her.

Helen of Troy (Agnes) a la Phyllis Diller: This is the face that launched a thousand ships... the other way! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Lisa: [gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?

Marge: [hastily grabs the book from Homer] Of course not, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The end."

[Tears out the page and begins eating it]

Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.

Disco Stu: Disco Stu has ouzo for two-zo.

Bart: I'll leave you guys alone.

Disco Stu (pointing to Bart): Disco Stu was talking to you.

(Bart shudders in disgust)

Jester (Krusty): Now I should warn you, a lot of our plays have a tendency to make people blurt out certain secrets.

Claudius (Moe): [nervous] Oh boy...

Hamlet (Bart): Ah-ha! Methinks the play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!

Claudius: Catch my conscience- what?

Hamlet: You're not supposed to hear me, that's a soliloquy.

Claudius: Okay, then I'll do a soliloquy too. [Clears throat] Note to self; kill that kid.

Blame it on Lisa

Homer: [Whining]Can we stop? I have to go to the bathroom.

Brazilian Kidnapper: You just went five minutes ago!

Homer: I'm sorry, I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.

Brazilian Kidnapper: We just call them nuts here.

Dance Instructor: Here is where we invented the Lambada and the Macarena. Now we are working on our most powerful dance: La Penetrada! It makes sex look like a church.

Marge: I don't think my daughter should be hearing this.

Dance Instructor: You cannot protect her forever! You stupid lady!

Weekend at Burnsie's

[Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom]

Marge: Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.

Homer: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

Marge: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

[Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are]

Marge: What is that billowing down the stairs? [Gasps] It's smoke!

Lisa: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.

Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.

Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

[Homer comes home with a new suit]

Marge: Where did you get that suit?

Homer: Woah, woah, one question at a time. [Points to Marge] Yes, you?

Marge: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.

Homer: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! (Homer walks away) We have a kitchen?

Gump Roast

Krusty: Now let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.

Flanders: Thank you so much.

(singing) The Camptown Ladies sing this song

Both: Do-dah, do-dah

Lovejoy: (singing) Homer Simpson's breath is strong, oh the do-dah-

Flanders: Hey, hey, now hold on there. The nice people wanna hear the real words.

Lovejoy: But Ned, I was singing the real words.

Flanders: Oh, lets just take it from the top. (sings) The Camptown Ladies sing this song

Both: Do-dah do-dah

Lovejoy: The Camptown racetrack's five miles long

Flanders: Thats better.

Lovejoy: Homer's breath smells bad

Flanders: Oh, those are not the words!

End Titles Singer:

Ullman shorts, Christmas show, Marge's fling, Homer's bro

Bart in well, Flanders fails, whacking snakes, monorail

Mr. Plow, Homer space, Sideshow Bob steps on rakes

Lisa's future, Selma's hubby, Marge not proud, Homer chubby

Homer worries Bart is gay, Poochie, U2, NRA

Hippies, Vegas, and Japan, octuplets, Bart's boy band

Marge murmers, Maude croaks, Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes

Maggie blows Burns away, what else do I have to say?

They'll never stop the Simpsons

Have no fears, we've got stories for years

Like, Marge becomes a robot

Maybe Moe gets a cell phone

Has Bart ever owned a bear?

Or how 'bout a crazy wedding?

Where something happens, and do-do-do-do-do

Sorry for the clip show

Have no fears, we've got stories for years

I am Furious Yellow

Groundskeeper Seamus: This be your doing Willie, I'll turn your groin to puddin'

Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, you speak like a poet, but you punch like one too!

Radio: Don't you hate carpet stores that charge extra for the under padding?

Homer: I hate them so MUCH!

[At Krustylu Studios, Krusty is watching Angry Dad struggle with the ketchup to put on his chips. Looking inside the bottle, it pours it's contents on him and pushes him across the room.]

Krusty The Clown:[ironically] Whoa that's funny. There's only one way my show can compete with this.

[pushes the button on the intercom]

Krusty The Clown: Book that animal that always chomps on my groin.

Secretary: Susan Anton?

Krusty The Clown: No, the lemur.

[Angry Dad comes home from work.]

Angry Dad: Oh what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.

[Headline caption: You Suck, Angry Dad!]

Angry Dad:[growls in anger] That's opinion, not news!

[Head enlarges then explodes.]

[Comic Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back.]

Comic Bart: This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.

[Angry Dad turns around and growls. Infuriated by Bart for making him a worldwide laughingstock in the web and in Springfield, Homer rushes home to strangle him.]

[At the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in the cartoon]

Angry Dad: This job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

[He presses a red button and the cooling towers explode in a giant cloud]

Angry Dad: NOT AGAIN!

[A cartoon version of Mr. Burns shows up]

Cartoon Mr. Burns:[Voiced by Bart in a deeper voice] Angry Dad, you're fired.

[Angry Dad's head soon explodes and shows a similar cloud]

Bart: Wow, Stan Lee came back?

Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left, and I'm beginning to think his mind is no longer in mint condition.

[Homer has fallen into Bart and Milhouse's trap in the garden and got covered in green paint]

Homer: Grrrr...! RAAAAARRGGGHHH! HOMER MAD! AAARRRGGH! [Bashes the fence down] GAAAAAARRRGGH!

Bart: Thank God his pants stayed on.

Homer: AAAARRGGHH! [Rampages through the town.] HOMER MAD! HOMER SMASH! GET REVENGE ON WORLD!

Lenny: Look, it's the Incredible Hulk!

Homer: GAAAARRRGGGHH!

Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk! Rrroar-owwll!

Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't even change to Bill Bixby.

Stan Lee: Come on, damn it, change! Mmmhhmhhmm! Oh, forget it. I really did it once.

Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

Stan Lee: Mmmhmm...

Comic Book Guy: You almost had it there.

[Comic Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back.]

Comic Bart: This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.

[Angry Dad turns around and growls. Infuriated by Bart for making him a worldwide laughingstock in the web and in Springfield, Homer rushes home to strangle him.]

The Sweetest Apu

Homer: Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to come? In a Civil War re-enactment we need lots of Indians to shoot.

Apu: I don't know what part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.

[At the Civil War reenactment, Dr. Hibbert's horse takes off.])

Dr. Hibbert: For me, the war is over!

Principal Skinner: Oh, this battle is rife with inaccuracy. Hey you dead people, stop playing cards. And Stonewall Jackson, stop roller blading!

Disco Stu (as Stonewall Jackson): The South will boogie again!

Marge: Oh, Homer. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Homer: You bet I am!

(Homer imagines himself flying a hang glider while firing a ray gun at a terrified crowd below)

Homer: Hahahahaha! You can run, but you can't glide!

Homer: Hehehe! U S A! U S A!

Manjula:I have to warn you, Apu does not have very much money.

Divorce Lawyer: Are you absolutely sure? Because legally, I am allowed to shake him by the ankles and see what falls out. It's established in the case of Lawyers vs. Justice. [chuckles] That was a wonderful day for us.

Manjula: We have eight children. Will that affect the settlement?

Divorce Lawyer: [makes several joyful exclamations, then calms] Perhaps. [the lawyer jumps onto the table and starts dancing happily]

Manjula: No offence, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens!

Divorce Lawyer: [chuckles] Yes, I get that a lot.

Divorce Lawyer: When will you humans learn that your 'feelings', as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs?!

Little Girl in the Big Ten

Ralph: See you tomorrow, Lisa. We find out what five minus three is.

Lisa: Um... I'm a teacher's aide in a very special class.

Ralph: No, Lisa, we're both in-

Lisa: Go, go, go!

Ralph: Why do people run from me? [wets his pants, then smiles]

Homer: [singing "Tubthumping" while drunk] I get knocked down!

I get knocked down again!

You're never gonna knock me down!

Tina: Whoa, party house.

[A keg flies out of the window]

Homer: (from the house) Hey, where's my keg?

Lisa: Hmm... Mom's not gonna like that.

Carrie: Who's Mom?

Lisa: Uh... that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.

Carrie: Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky is reading at Café Kafka.

Lisa: Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate?

Tina: It's gonna be great, the three of us can split a scone.

Lisa: Non-dairy?

Both: Duh.

Homer: I take a whiskey drink! I take a chocolate drink!

And when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink!

I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy!

Lisa: I'll see you tomorrow.

Carrie: See ya.

The Frying Game

Carmen Electra: My face is up here, Homer.

Homer: (looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.

Homer: You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.

Wiggum: I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.

Homer: Play the race card! Play it!

Papa's Got a Brand New Badge

Bart: Cool, a lie detector.

[Bart puts on the lie detector and a results sheet prints out as he speaks]

Bart: Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.

Lisa: Dad, make him stop.

[Homer looks at the results sheet]

Homer: Hmm... According to this, he's telling the truth.

Homer: Do you sell hats?

Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Yeah.

Homer: To people?

Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Maybe.

Homer: People with heads?

Wooly Bully Store Clerk: Sometimes...

[an unseen shooter begins firing at the mobsters outside the Simpsons' house]

Fat Tony: Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter?

Johnny Tightlips: I see a lot of things...

Fat Tony: You know, you could be a little more helpful.

The Simpsons Season 14

Contents [hide]

1 Treehouse of Horror XIII

2 How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

3 Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade

4 Large Marge

5 Helter Shelter

6 The Great Louse Detective

7 Special Edna

8 The Dad Who Knew Too Little

9 Strong Arms of The Ma

10 Pray Anything

11 Barting Over

12 I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can

13 A Star is Born-Again

14 Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington

15 C.E. D'oh

16 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky

17 Three Gays of the Condo

18 Dude, Where's My Ranch?

19 Old Yeller Belly

20 Brake My Wife, Please

21 Bart of War

22 Moe Baby Blues

Treehouse of Horror XIII[edit]

[William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.]

Billy: Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!

Townspeople: [Gasp]

Billy: Frank an' Jesse James!

Townspeople: [Gasp]

Billy: The Sundance Kid!

Townspeople: [Gasp]

Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?

The Sundance Kid: [imitating] What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!

Billy: And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.

Townspeople: [Mutterings of "Who?"]

Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!

Wilhelm: Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh... yippy wippy, wippy!

Frank: OK, he's in.

Billy the Kid: Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

Homer: [notices Maggie who has been turned into an anteater] Maggie! [Lisa, turned into an eagle, swoops down, grabs Maggie with her claws, and tries to fly away] Lisa! [grabs Lisa from her legs, pulls her down and releases Maggie]

Lisa: (defensively) We were just playing.

Homer: What game?

Lisa: (sheepishly) Let's eat Maggie...?

[After other characters - who have been turned into 'manimals' by Dr. Hibbert - decide that they enjoy it]

Homer: YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat- Where do I sign up?

Lisa: [as an eagle] So, how do you like being a walrus, dad?

Homer: [as a walrus] It's great! I haven't been this skinny since high school!

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation[edit]

[The Simpsons are gathered together, while watching Taxicab Conversations.]

Wise guy: How ya doin'?

Homer: [drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?

Lisa: Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

Apu: Can we talk about accentuating the...uh...masculine area?

Lenny Kravitz: Did you hear that, everybody? Apu just asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do that. Kenny Loggins does.

Kenny Loggins: [Appearing at the window] I trusted you! [Runs away crying].

Homer: Mr. Seltzer?

Brian Setzer: Setzer.

Homer: No, I think it's Seltzer.

(Homer is upset that the Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp is over)

Mick Jagger: It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.

Homer: But I like it.

(Homer has a backstage pass and jumps over the counter of a Pizza stand)

Squeaky Voiced teen: Sir, you can't...

Homer: [flashes his card at the teen] All access!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: [salutes] Oh. Sorry!

Homer: There's no need for apologies, guys. You're rock stars! You're supposed to be reckless and destructive, and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail!

Keith Richards: That's what I told them!

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade[edit]

Bart: [mockingly at Lisa] Ha Ha. They left without you.

Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot.

Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in third grade?

Lisa: Because you've already done it once.

[Pause]

Bart: You've lost me.

Lisa: Hey... how do we get home?

Bart: No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch project.

[Bart walks off-screen. He immediately walks back into frame on the other side]

Bart: I must be getting close. [points to Lisa] I recognize that girl.

Large Marge[edit]

Homer: Well, if Bart can be 'El Barto'...

["El Homo" is painted on a wall]

Homosexual Latino: Oh, if only I had your courage, sénor.

Homer: Thanks [realizes what he just did] Ahh! Oh, God! [Paints frantically to cover it up]

Lisa: Dad, you're getting paint all over your wedding ring.

Homer: Oh, right. Here, hold it. [Hands the ring to Lisa]

Lisa: Dad, this is a Band-Aid wrapped in tin foil.

Homer: [Ashamed] My real ring's inside a turtle.

Marge: Aaaaah! What on Earth have you done?! My maguppies became bazongas!

Surgeon: Great Ceaușescu's ghost! Are those real? [Makes a realization] Oh. Oh, right.

Marge: Accidentally giving me breast implants is not a simple misunderstanding, my surgery was botched!

Surgeon: Botched, what is that the word of the day?

Bart: The Krusty I know didn't get where he is today by giving up!

Krusty: No, I got where I am today by naming names in the '50s!

Helter Shelter[edit]

(as the Sarcastic Clerk is gnawing on the living room table)

Marge: Why do you always pick the cheapest guy?

Homer: I go by how funny the sign is. (indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house)

(Bart uses a telegraph to message Moe, dressed as a telegraph clerk)

Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?

[a big man makes a threatening look while Lenny and Carl laugh]

Moe: [angry] Ooh, that little...! [begins using the telegraph] I'm gonna drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!

[at the other end, Bart laughs]

The Great Louse Detective[edit]

Chief Wiggum: Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?

Homer: Triple? No, definitely no.

Chief Wiggum: Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.

Marge: (hopeful) Paris?

Chief Wiggum: No, no, not Paris.

Marge: (downhearted) I'm never gonna go to Paris.

[The Simpsons are in Campbell's Chunky Soup Maximum Security Prison]

Marge: I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.

Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart.

Bart and Lisa: AAAHH! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now, we have been through so much together. Just call me Bob.

Bart and Lisa: AAAHH! Bob!

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own?!

Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids.

[Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.]

Lisa: (gasps) Dad's heading for the Swordfish Museum!

Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.

Homer: Wait! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could he have a son?

Frank Grimes Jr.: He happened to like hookers, okay?

Lisa: Dad! I figured it out! [opens a piece of paper] The murderer is-

Homer: I know! Frank Grimes Junior!

Lisa: Huh? [looks down at the paper, where she has written the name "Bumblebee Man"] Precisely. [crumples the paper and kicks it away]

[At night, Homer and Bart celebrate their victory at the capture of the perpetrator at Bart's room]

Bart: Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.

Homer:: Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children. Goodnight, son. [he closes the door, unaware that Bob is hiding on the other side of the door]

Sideshow Bob: [jumps down] Hello, Bart. [Bart screams, but Bob quickly covers the boy's mouth with duct tape. He tries reaching for the shock remote, only to find that it is missing.] Looking for this? [He shows Bart the remote he had stolen before tossing it out the window and taking the knife out of his pocket.] Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny, and kill you without doing. [He raises the knife to strike, but looks at Bart's pleading eyes before stopping.] One thrust, and the deed is done. [He raises the knife again, but pauses again at the look of the boy's pleading face before lowering the knife again.] I... I can't do it.

Bart: [muffled] Huh? Why not?

Sideshow Bob: Well, I guess I've—dear God—grown accustomed to your face! [starts singing "The Very Reason That I Live"]

I've... grown accustomed to his face,

And dreams of gouging out his eyes.

I've grown accustomed to my hate,

My plans to lacerate,

To disembowel,

To hear him howl.

[As he sings, Bart tries getting out of bed through the covers, but Bob grabs him and pins him to the wall atop the bedstand with the knife by his nightgown.]

The very reason that I live

Is plotting how to watch him die.

Homer: [bangs on the wall from the other room] Bart! Turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep! [The banging loosens the knife from the wall, and Bart falls down to the floor and tries escaping while sneaking behind Bob.]

Sideshow Bob: [continues] I know this chubby scalawag

Has made my life a living hell.

[He grabs one of Bart's legs as he sings and dangles the boy upside-down while pulling him close to his face.]

Surely, if I drank his blood,

I'd be at peace... but, well...

Bart: [removes the tape from his mouth and sings] You've grown accustomed to my face?

Sideshow Bob: This isn't a duet.

Bart: Sorry. [puts the tape back on his mouth]

Sideshow Bob: I've grown accustomed to your fear,

Accustomed to revenge,

Accustomed to... your face.

[As he finishes, he carries Bart and sets him back to his bed, then leaps up at the edge of the bed before finishing and jumping out the window, landing on the ground as Bart quickly shuts the window.] We shall meet again, old friend. But now, I must steal away into the night. [gets shocked by the remote's button that is repeatedly pressed by the birds on its nest]

Special Edna[edit]

(Little Richard is on stage)

Homer: Purple Rain!

Little Richard: SHUT UP!

Homer: (excited) Michael Jackson told me to shut up.

The Dad Who Knew Too Little[edit]

(The Simpsons watch Homer's personalized movie for Lisa: "The Adventures of Lisa Simpson, Girl Cowboy". In it, we see Lisa's face, with tongue sticking out, crudely pasted onto a cowgirl's body. The animation is really choppy.)

Cowgirl: Howdy, pardners! My name is Sheriff...

Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!

Cowgirl: I sure am hungry for my favorite food...

Homer voiceover: McNuggets!

Lisa: I don't like McNuggets! I'm a vegetarian!

Homer: Still? Well, then you're not gonna like your other present.

(Pans to a turkey in wrapping paper on the floor)

(In the film a male cowboy rides up)

Cowgirl: Why, it's my best friend...

Homer voiceover: Maggie!

Lisa: Huh?

(A bartender enters)

Bartender: Bad news, Sheriff...

Homer voiceover: Lisa Simpson!

Bartender: Some Indians took all the...

Homer voiceover: McNuggets! Mmmm... McNuggets... (drools)

Cowgirl: I'll get those no-good Indians, just as sure as my favorite book is...

Homer voiceover: Magazines! (snores)

Bart voiceover: Wake up, Dad!

Homer voiceover: Huh? Wha?

(The screen goes to static before an angry Lisa turns off the TV)

Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Dexter Colt: Yes, you said that already. What else do you know?

Ralph: I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.

Dexter: No, about Lisa!

Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.

Dexter: Someone's already worked this guy over.

Homer: Lisa's pet peeve is... phonies?! I thought she loved them!

Strong Arms of The Ma[edit]

(Marge breaks a glass jar and points it menacingly at Moe)

Marge: Maybe death will stop your yammering!

(Homer is in bed. A toned Marge walks in, lustfully)

Marge: Say, Homie, how about a good luck snuggle before my competition tomorrow?

Homer: (feeling trapped) Erm, listen my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow and...

Marge: (Gets on top) I wasn't asking. (Veins bulging. She rapes Homer)

(the next morning)

Homer: Morning kids, I made your lunches.

Bart: Where's Mom?

Homer: Your Mom has a lot of stuff to shave. (walks off hobbling)

(Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar)

Homer: Marge?

(Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head)

Homer: (voice breaking) Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.

Moe: (looks at his destroyed tavern) Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. (pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick)

Carl: Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?

Moe: Oh, crap.

Pray Anything[edit]

Marge: You know, most people pray silently.

Homer: Marge, he's way the hell up there!

Marge: I'm sorry Ned. It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.

Ned: [hysterical] No, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?

Kent Brockman: Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pie in the Sky!

Arnie Pie: You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it!

Kent Brockman: Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church!

Arnie Pie: And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into peoples' SOULS? Well, yours would be BLACK, Kent! BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES!

(Reverend Lovejoy is forced to leave the Church)

Lovejoy: It's ok, the Flanders have offered to put me up.

Ned: And, Reverend, you'll be bunking with me.

(Lovejoy shudders)

Lisa: There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain, and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.

Bart: Yeah but what made the rain stop?

Lisa: I don't know. Buddha?

Barting Over[edit]

Lisa: Why did you wake me up!? I dream t I was at the Kennedy Center honors.

Marge: Well, here's another low rated annual event. Spring cleaning!

Bart: Hey, a box of old videotapes. "Marge And Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted?

Lisa: [to Bart] You're Baby Stink-Breath, you're Baby Stink-Breath! En Francais… [in French] vous êtes L'enfant Stink-Breath!

Bart: How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?

Homer: I was going to tell you on my deathbed.

Marge: Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.

Bart: I did? Where is it?

Marge: Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo…

Homer: [interrupts Marge] La la la la la la la la la!

Marge: [groans in embarrassment] Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but there must be some sort of…

Homer: [rudely continues interrupting Marge] La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.

Bart: You spent all the money I earned?

Homer: I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.

[Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing ala Michael Jackson]

Homer: See, you're fine, and then... [shows the final photo, depicting Bart missing] whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? [reverses the sequence] Watch… I saved you!

Bart: I want a divorce from my parents.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: You WHA?!

Bart: I said I want a divorce from my parents.

Blue-Haired Lawyer: Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.

Yuwah: Yes, sir.

Marge: Bart, you're suing us?

Bart: Yes, I wanna be emancipated.

Homer: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?

Lisa: No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.

Marge: I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!

Bart: Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Homer: Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.

[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]

Abe: Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!

[The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]

Employee: See you tomorrow.

[At the trial, the Blue Haired Lawyer holds up a doll commonly used in child molestation cases.]

Bart's Lawyer: Bart using this doll, will you show the court where your father stolen money from you?

Bart: [pulls out the left pocket of the doll] Here and here. (pulls out the right pocket of the doll)

Bart's Lawyer: Let the record show he has pulled out the pockets from the doll.

[Homer is nervous and is later seen on the witness stand after Bart's lawyer calls him next]

Bart's Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger management problem.

Homer: Why you little! [Judge Harm stares at him sternly] I... uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.

Judge Harm: [disbelieving Homer much to the joy of Bart's lawyer] Could the stenographer please read back the previous statement?

Stenographer: Why you little...

Homer: Why you little...!

[Bart laughs]

Homer: Why you little...! [to Judge Harm] Why you little...!

[Judge Harm draws Homer being hanged]

Judge Harm: No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.

Homer: WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!

Judge Harm: [Eyes narrowed at Homer for rudely interrupting her verdict] Except in this case!

[Homer pulls his shirt collar nervously and cringes]

Judge Harm: That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated!

[She slams her gavel]

Judge Harm: Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.

Homer: [thinking it's food] Mmmmm...garnish.

Judge Harm: That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.

Homer: What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?

Marge: Homer, don't make things worse!

Homer: I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE!

[He screams and runs towards Judge Harm, intent on attacking her. The bailiff catches him and punches him.]

Homer: (being dragged out by the bailiff and embarrasses Marge) I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!

Marge: Please don't go Bart. I'll let you swear in the house: everything but the Big Three.

Bart: Sorry, Mom. I just can't, not as long as he's here. [Bart points to Homer, who hides]

Homer: [comes outside to confront Bart] Go ahead. Leave. You'll come crawling back.

[Bart's taxi is driving away as Homer chases after it]

Homer: That's right, crawling on your knees. (stops in the middle of the road) Crawling! [sobbing:] Oh, he's really gone. (starts crying) He's GONE!

[he continues sobbing into the night. Next to him is a sign that says "Man Sobbing"]

Bart: Well, here I am, on my own... and I'm gonna make it, world!

[Bart throws his red cap through a ceiling fan and shreds into pieces. Then a drugs salesman bangs the wall.]

Neighbor: Be quiet in there! Some of us are trying to sell drugs!

Bart: (starting to cry while in the elevator) I'm gonna die in my jammies.

Lisa: That couch looks really pricey.

Bart: Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.

Homer: Of course, because you wouldn't want to... [screams] I PAY FOR YOUR SPLENDOR, YOU… (chokes Bart)

[Marge is embarrassed.]

Tony Hawk: You're going down, Homer. Then up. Then down. Then back up again. That's how the game is played.

Marge: How many times has Homer done something crazy?

(Lisa pulls out a rolling counter which is now at 300)

Lisa: It's 300, Mom.

Marge: Really? I could've sworn it was 302. [1]

Lisa: Shhh!

Bart: Dad, you don't understand. This was never about being cool. It was about you not caring how I felt.

Homer: Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid.

Tony: Homer, you're heading for a parental face-plant. Do a 180 emotional Ollie. [groans as he falls down the skate ramp]

Homer: FINALLY, someone explains it to me in terms I can understand.

Notes ^ References the episode count of 300 (the 300th was The Strong Arms of the Ma and the 301st was "Pray Anything")

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can[edit]

Homer: Three Ribwiches, please, and instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich.

Cashier: I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only.

Homer: [banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my Philly Fudge Steak, then my Bacon Balls, then my What-Cha-Ma-Chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries, please, and a collector's cup.

Ribhead: Dude, if you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]

Homer: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?

Ribhead: Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box with Krusty saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]

Homer: D'oh!

Kent Brockman: The Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix 'lympics.' This has got to be the slowest news day ever!

Bart: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.

Principal Skinner: Well, if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time!

Lisa: (loudly) Then I'll be QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling. (Loud) That's right, QUEEN OF THE WORLD (whispers) of spelling.

Principal Skinner: Bart, your word is imply.

Bart: Imply. I-M-P…

Nelson: Bart said, "I am pee." He's made of pee!

(The students all laugh)

Bart: Well, I got my laugh. I'm outta here.

Ralph: I made Bart in my pants.

Principal Skinner: Milhouse, your word is "choke."

Milhouse: Oh, I know this one, it's so easy, "F"... oh, man! (the kids laugh)

Principal Skinner: Stop laughing! It will scar him for life! (kids keep laughing) He-he-he, it is kinda infectious.

Lisa: Could you use it in a sentence?

Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner: I wish he wouldn't use me in every example.

Lisa: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?

Homer: You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich… it's about brotherhood, it's about freedom, it's about 3 days since I've had one! I'm gettin' the shakes! And I'm gettin' the fries!

Principal Skinner: Lisa, "impugn."

Lisa: I-M-P...

Bart: Hey, Lisa said...

Nelson: (Slaps Bart in the back of his head) Shut up, pee!

(Lisa dreaming, pondering throwing the spelling match to get a free education at a w:Seven Sisters college

Barnard College: We are the Seven Sisters. And you can attend any one of us! Like Barnard, Columbia's "girl next door."

Radcliffe College: Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men."

Wellesley College: Or come to Wellesley and marry them."

Mount Hollyoke College: (slurring, champagne glass in hand) No. Party with me! (Falls face first)

Vassar College: Or nonconform with me! (Raises arms, reveals hairy armpits)"

Smith College: (muscular girl, carries lacrosse stick, husky voice) Play lacrosse with me!

Bryn Mawr College: Or come explore with me! (She and Smith kiss with passion)

A Star is Born-Again[edit]

[In Ned's illusion moving to Hollywood, series executive producer James L. Brooks appears]

Brooks: Ned, I'm James L. Brooks.

Ned: Oh, can I call you Jim?

Brooks: James L. Brooks is good. How about some spongecake?

Ned: Well, I can't see the harm.

Brooks: With a brandy glaze?

Ned: Noooo!

Brooks: Or perhaps you like to go to a football game?

Ned: Well-

Brooks: We don't have a team.

Ned: Noo!

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington[edit]

Krusty: Just one thing, are you guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?

Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous?

Krusty: Russian hooker, you tell me.

Marge: Look, can you please just tell us why you changed the flightpaths?

Airport official: Uh, look, they were changed because a disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.

[Cut to Ye Old Off-Ramp Inn, where Mayor Quimby is heard inside having sex]

Quimby: Vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby! Ohh... [inside] Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.

Woman: Thanks a million, Joe. You're the swellest!

Quimby: [shocked] That's your voice?! Now I regret building you that opera house!

Cletus: I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.

Brandine: Where'd you get yourself another tooth?

Cletus: Sidewalk.

C.E. D'oh[edit]

(Lenny and Carl are fighting one another with carbon rods, ala Star Wars)

Lenny: I say The Phantom Menace sucked more!

Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

Homer: (after getting thrown out of the striptease class) Aw, nobody loves Oily Homer.

'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky[edit]

Lisa: Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobedience? Gandhi thought so and—(cut off by Bart)

Bart: Gandhi also said, "Less talk, more rock." (Pulls the switch beyond "Overload")

(Lights explode. The police come out armed)

Clancy Wiggum: Uh-oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.

Officer Lou: But Chief, we are the entire force.

Clancy Wiggum: Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

Homer: I wish God were alive to see this.

Three Gays of the Condo[edit]

Homer: Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay!

Lisa: Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?

Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.

Bart: Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.

Marge: Bart, that's not right.

Bart: Sorry, Mom... See? It's that easy.

Homer: What a well kept street, and there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood. Bet these guys never had any kids.

Homer: I'm sorry I'm late. The velvet mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.

Marge: Goodbye, Homer! I try to save our marriage and you just get drunk and spend the night with your homosexual boyfriends! (greeting each person on her way down the stairs) Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs. Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.

Dude, Where's My Ranch?[edit]

Homer: [While being attacked by beavers] No! I wanted to die choking on food!

Homer: Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats.

Marge: Homer, those are elk.

Homer: I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!

Moe: [on radio, to tune of "More, More, More"]

Moe, Moe, Moe

How do you like me? How do you like me?

Moe, Moe, Moe

Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...

Old Yeller Belly[edit]

Homer: Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse-One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.

Bart: Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?

Homer: Only if it's an affront to God.

Homer: Oh! Santa's Little Helper! Save me!

Homer: I'm so happy that you saved me! (actually talking to Snowball II; then to Santa's Little Helper) As for you, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! (Santa's Little Helper whines) Get out... AND STAY OUT!

Homer: Move the net under the window.

Marge: There's no net.

Homer: (after falling) D'oh.

Brake My Wife, Please[edit]

Moe: Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol business, give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat! [Looks around, realizes no one is there] Who the hell am I talking to?

Homer: Psst. Bishop to Queen-4.

Old Man: We're playing Dominoes.

Homer: I said Bishop to Queen-4.

Bart of War[edit]

Ralph Wiggum: [Gets thrown through The Simpsons' window with a note] I'm a brick!

Homer: Wait a minute. How could those stupid jarheads win?

Lisa: Who would want candy filled with laxatives?

(Cut to seniors in the day room enjoying the laxative-laced candies.)

Montgomery Burns: [seeing the Indian smoke signals] Oh no, the Pawnee have returned. They probably want their souls back.

Homer: [looking at the Jumbo-Tron] That's my wife, and she's crying!

Moe Baby Blues[edit]

Toy Homer: I peed my pants...

Homer: I recorded that for private use!

Elmo Doll: (slaps Moe) No means no for Elmo!

The Simpsons Season 15

Contents [hide]

1 Treehouse of Horror XIV

2 My Mother the Carjacker

3 The President Wore Pearls

4 The Regina Monologues

5 The Fat and the Furriest

6 Today I am A Clown

7 'Tis the Fifteenth Season

8 Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays

9 I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot

10 Diatribe of a Mad Housewife

11 Margical History Tour

12 Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore

13 Smart and Smarter

14 The Ziff Who Came to Dinner

15 Co-Dependent's Day

16 The Wandering Juvie

17 My Big Fat Geek Wedding

18 Catch 'em If You Can

19 Simple Simpson

20 The Way We Weren't

21 Bart-Mangled Banner

22 Fraudcast News

Treehouse of Horror XIV[edit]

[Death arrives at the Simpsons house]

Death: I have come for Bart Simpson.

Marge: Bart, run like the "wine-d"!

Lisa: Mom, it's "wind"!

Marge: Well, I only read it in books.

Homer: This is for Snowball I and J.F.K.! [Hits Death with a bowling ball. Death's jaw falls out as he falls to the floor and "dies". His contract for Bart disappears as well as his reaper, which was holding Bart up]

Bart: Cool.

Lisa: Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death.

Homer: Does this mean they'll never cancel The Jim Belushi Show?

Lisa: I guess so.

Homer: NOOOOOOOO!

Young Frink Jr.: I don't wanna go on this oceanographic expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.

Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the - you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.

Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I...

[Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]

Professor Frink Sr.: [After he is revived] So, what am I? Some kind of Tin-Can Man from Planet Tomorrow?

Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you back into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th, except everyone's afraid and the stock market is much lower.

Professor Frink Sr.: Polly don't like that cracker!

Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you're dying again, but I can bring you back to life, sir.

Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn't take 5 brains in your head to know that's a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me to go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]

[Frink Jr. cries for his father's death]

Mayor Quimby: People, Springfield is in Crisis. Fingers have been shoved up Noses, Pants have been pulled down and (Click) Mayors (Click) have (Click) been (Click) Repeatedly (Click) Humiliated.

My Mother the Carjacker[edit]

Homer: [to Mona] Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]

Mr. Burns: [After he loses his case against Mona] Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich!

Mona Simpson: [After stealing the prison bus and being chased by police. She gets on the radio to Wiggum] Granny to The Man! Granny to The Man!

Chief Wiggum: [Reading from a Hippy/English dictionary] This is...The Man...I think it would...be a gas...if you turned that...Magic Bus around...and kept on truckin' to...our pig pad.

Mona Simpson: I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back!

[On the bus taking Mona to jail, where the prisoners are having a good time]

Female Prisoner: I hope this bus ride never ends...'cause I'm getting executed when I get off.

The President Wore Pearls[edit]

Lisa: Nelson, you're running for school president?

Nelson: I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.

(A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)

Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...

Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?

Nelson: Real-estate license exam?

Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!

Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!

(Bart picks up a brick and throws it at a window; however, it ricochets off the unbreakable glass and hits him in the head, knocking him out)

Skinner: Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Seymour Sucks!"

Skinner: I'm so happy with my evil plan

Say goodbye to music, gym and art.

Soon we will have the perfect school

Where fun and excitement never start.

Willie: I'm so drunk I can barely see

But it helps me get through another day!

My stomach is filled with haggis and ham

I've got to go puke in some hay...

Bart: Lisa is a fool!

Skinner: I think the rules are cool.

Willie: I'VE FALLEN IN THE POOL!

The Regina Monologues[edit]

Tony Blair: Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.

Lisa: Prime Minister Tony Blair?

Bart: Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?

Blair: Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.

Homer: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?

Blair: No, but thank you.

Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?

Blair: There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.

Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.

Blair: Smashing.

Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?

Blair: I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.

[puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]

Homer: Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!

English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips, (inside) now completely free of mad fish disease.

Homer: Fish? I dunno, I'm not really a vegetarian.

Teen: Please order, or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.

Dench: Who are you talking to?

English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: No-one, Mum, I swear!

Dench: I'll Mum you! (punches him)

Teen: Blimey-!

[The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]

Lisa: Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.

Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.

Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?

Rowling: [sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?

Lisa: [happily] Yes...

[Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]

Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Homer: You mean MacBeth? (car splashes water onto Ian)

Ian: Quiet you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Homer: What, by saying MacBeth? (anvil falls on Ian's foot)

Ian: Stop saying it!

Homer: Saying what?

Ian: MacBeth! Uh! Now I've said it (Ian gets struck by lightning)

Bart: Oh, this is cool. MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth. (lightning strikes three times)

Marge: Bart! Stop saying MacBeth! (lightning strikes)

Lisa: Mom, you said MacBeth! (lightning strikes)

Homer: Mr. MacBeth, I'm so sorry! (lightning strikes)

Ian: That's quite alright, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.

Bart: Good luck!

Ian: It's bad luck to say that too! (MacBeth sign falls on Ian's head)

Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.

Madonna: I'm telling you! I'm English!

Marge: English women don't pump gas naked.

Homer: See ya in Atlanta, jerk.

The Fat and the Furriest[edit]

Homer: That's it kids, suckle daddy's sugar ball.

Bart: You're sneaking off to fight that bear, I wanna go too!

Homer: No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.

Bart: Screw that, when I grow up I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass!

Homer: That is so cool! Okay you can come.

Homer: Are you a Care Bear?

Care Bear: I'm an intensive care bear.

Today I am A Clown[edit]

[A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads "FOX Network World Headquarters." Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives]

Krusty: Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... ugh... Fox. What do you say?

Executive: I don't know...

Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!

[Krusty is infuriated, because he doesn't have a star on the Jewish walk of fame]

Krusty: Why don′t I have a star?! I'm much better than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he, a Klingon?!

'Tis the Fifteenth Season[edit]

Krusty The Clown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, "sick kids" may include hookers with a cold.

[Krusty chuckles]

[Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]

Carl: Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.

[Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]

Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!

Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.

Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.

Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays[edit]

Cletus: They destroyed my home, and the equity I built up there in.

Kent: Asked if he intends to take legal action the farmer replied "I aint fungdified hi-de-hoo about no legrification, no ways." Then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.

Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I am a mother.

Meeting Crowd: BOO!

Marge: I'm also an American.

Meeting Crowd: YAY!

Marge: I bake apple pies.

Meeting Crowd: YAY!

Marge: And I like baseball.

Meeting Crowd: BOO!

Lindsey Naegle: I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future… today belongs to me!

Meeting Crowd: [with their fists raised] YAY!

Homer Simpson: You can't change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them. Promises were made!

Luigi: Hey, tough tortellini! I am a-sick and a-tired of printing a-children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! [spits] Apooey!

Mel: We're sick and tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays!

Marge: Then how would we ever get to see Camelot?!

Mel: We'll merely watch the movie on tape!

Marge: Hmm..., is that better? Well, to me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.

Ralph: [singing] If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer!

Meeting Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!

Lindsey Naegle: Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's kill every child... FRIENDLY THING IN TOWN!

Meeting Crowd: [As they were dismissed to take actions] YAY!

Squeaky-voiced Teen: It's time to put away my childish things... [in a deep voice] ...and become a man!

Homer's Commercial: For more information, visit our website, .com, we're not affiliated, we're just piggy-backing on their message boards. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!

Homer Simpson: Marge! Wait! [tries to hypnotize Marge with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer! I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer!

I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot[edit]

Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.

Principal Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?

Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.

Principal Skinner: I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.

Bart: I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.

Homer Simpson: Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!

Professor Frink: Ah-I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics, with the Sci-Fi, and the so many Books, not too many Good, my Robot is programmed never to harm Humans, you see, only to serve them.

Diatribe of a Mad Housewife[edit]

Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?

Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Lisa: This is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?

Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.

Lisa: Well, what if it gets made into a movie?

Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.

Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?

Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!

Homer: I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Margical History Tour[edit]

Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?

Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!

Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?

Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!

Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.

Homer/Henry VIII: (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half) No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?

Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.

[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]

Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?

Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!

Animal House is a song by Homer:

All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music.

Animal House, House, House,

Nobody ever went to class.

Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass.

Animal House, House, House,

Animal House, House, House,

Then they did the end like American Graffiti,

Where you found out what happened to everyone...

William Clark/Carl: Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!

Sacagawea/Lisa: For the last time, those are SALMON!

Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore[edit]

Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.

Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds... because money equals love.

Smart and Smarter[edit]

Simon Cowell: Well look who's back.. Pippy Non-Talking.

Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.

Marge: And even then he could only speak German!

Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.

Philipa: 167? That's amazing for a Christian!

Lisa: [horrified] But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?

Simon: That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?

Lisa: [annoyed] Yes, thank you.

[The family think they're about to die]

Homer: Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.

[Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]

Milhouse: What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?

Lisa: It's called "Goth," eternally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow Neversmiles."

Milhouse: Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetery and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.

Lisa: Okay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]

Milhouse: Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]

[Lisa has ran away from home]

Marge: Lisa's gone, you have to find her!

Chief Wiggum: Why can't you just accept that Lisa is old enough to look after herself. Back off and let her live her life.

Marge: But she's only eight.

Wiggum: Oh, I thought you said eighty. Well, we'll get right on it.

The Ziff Who Came to Dinner[edit]

Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?

Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!

Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)

Homer: Inseminate myself? (to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer) Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.

Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!

Homer: A mormon? But I'm from Earth!

Co-Dependent's Day[edit]

[Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic]

Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. [singing] I am a lineman for the county. [speaking] Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. [singing] And I drive the main road. [speaking] There are...eight... calls ahead of you. [singing] And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.

Kent Brockman: [to himself as he smokes a cigarette] Oh god, I love to smoke. [realizing the camera is on] We're live at the latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And, the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.

The Wandering Juvie[edit]

Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.

Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.

(Marge continues sobbing)

Lisa: You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement! [They both glare at Homer]

Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!

Store Manager: Sir, some people want to use that dressing room!

Homer: [in the dressing room with his trousers down] Dressing room? Uh-oh...

Gina: [dancing chained to Bart] OK! Here's my rules. The inclusion is to no eye contact and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.

Bart: Don't worry, you won't. [Gina kicks him down] D'oh!

Mayor Quimby arrives at Bart's fake wedding with a young woman.

Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.

Young Woman: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.

Quimby: [realizing] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!

Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?

Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!

Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beatin'. This ends for holdin'.

Homer: When does training start?

Warden: It just finished.

Warden: Well my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich. Turn on Will & Grace. And cry myself to sleep.

Marge: Hmmmm. Would you like to join us?

Warden: Didn't you hear me? I've got my evening planned!(He slams the door shut)

My Big Fat Geek Wedding[edit]

Groundskeeper Willie: [after accidentally driving over a red ball] Oh my God, I've shredded a child! AGAIN! [races to a nearby road, heading for the border] Venezuela, here I come!

[at Moe's]

Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?

Homer: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!

Skinner: Who are all of you people?

Carl: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.

Skinner: I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.

Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!

Skinner: [chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?

Chalmers: You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.

[everyone cheers]

Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?

Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!

Marge: Passion is for teens and immigrants.

Catch 'em If You Can[edit]

Moe: [emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!

Bart Simpson: [Looking on an airline computer] So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City [Types on the keyboard] but their luggage isn't. [laughs] And Homer's getting a low-fat meal.

[Camera cuts to a plane flying]

Homer: [From inside the plane] Nooooooo!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.

Homer: I say you don't exist!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I'm right here under "staff."

[Homer and Marge bounce around in an inflatable house]

Homer: This must be what it's like to be in space!

Marge: You've been to space.

Homer: And yet, I have never been to me...

Simple Simpson[edit]

Host of Promiscuous Idiot's Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. (the women gasp)

Marge: (watching show) Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!

Host: This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!

Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!

Woman 2: (crying) I just want to get on that boat and go home!

Host: Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.

Bart: [Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!

Homer: Quiet, the commercials are on! [Everyone looks at him] If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV!

Homer: It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?

Lisa: No, I think the expression is peg.

Homer: Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.

Krusty: [Showing his place setting] Check it out! Dribble glass! Rubber knife! Whoopie salad! [stabs his fork into the salad, which makes a farting noise; chuckles] And finally, the break-away wine bottle! [hits the bottle hard on his head, but it doesn't break] ...did not arrive. [collapses with a groan onto table]

Homer: [Stabs a knife into the bullet wound on his arm] Let's see. Cartilage. Cartilage. Muscle. [Screams] NERVE! [Blood spurts out] Artery. Bullet! [Flicks the bullet out of his arm]

[After Bart as Cupcake Kid holds a time watch in the deleted scene, making Nelson spin around inside the teacup ride, the kids are watching. Bart pulls the lever to stop, Nelson flies off on one of the spinning teacups. The ride slows down in a few seconds.]

Bart: [holding a watch] A minute, and five seconds. That's a new record. Come on, let's go.

[A loud crashing sound is heard. Bart runs to Nelson, who looks ill.]

Bart: Oh, no. Nelson. Are you OK?

Nelson: No. I think I'm going to be sick.

Homer: [After revealing to Lisa that he's the Pie Man] Any-hoo, this has to be a surprise, eh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson...

Lisa: You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude.

The Way We Weren't[edit]

Homer: (talking to an empty beer bottle) You never got a chance to become my urine!

Lisa: (working as the judge in "Simpson Family Court") Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.

Homer: Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?

Bart: Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?

Homer: Wh-? Permission to treat this witness as hostile? (takes out a baseball bat)

Young Lenny: Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection. (gives him a switchblade)

Young Homer: Whoo, a switchblade! (eyes it closely) I see the switch, but where's the blade? (camera moves out of the cottage, we hear the blade opening) OOOOWW! Found it.

Homer: This is so confusing. (turns to "judge" Lisa) I'd like a brief recess.

Lisa: Granted. (brings the gavel down)

Homer: Whee! Recess! (runs out and goes swinging on a swing)

Bart: Let me get this straight: when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool! Or is that lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame!

Homer: Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.

Bart: I've kissed three girls.

Homer: (cries) I'm so lame!

Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.

(girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, "proper" manner)

Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.

Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. 'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.

Homer: Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you, but I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future, remember that?

Homer: (going through his "Memory Box") Whoo, a letter from my old pen pal! Someday I'll write you back, Osama.

Bart-Mangled Banner[edit]

Willie: I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I've taught myself to read lips.

Guy: Morning, Willie!

Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.

[Bart accidentally moons the U.S. flag]

Rich Texan: How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!

[Principal Skinner summons Homer and Marge into his office after Bart, accidentally, moons the U.S. flag]

Skinner: Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war!

Homer: To date.

Marge: I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf!

Skinner: Oh sure Marge, [shows Homer and Marge a file of photos] just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad spike through head Bart.

Homer: Yeah, kids love trains.

Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Francisco!

Homer: We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

French Sailor: [to the Simpsons] Mes amis, we hate American too! Come to France, and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans!

Fraudcast News[edit]

Kent: In tonight's face-off, I'll be debating Channel Six movie ghoulie Boobarella on the subject of our new boss C. Montgomery Burns. My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.

Boobarella: He's got a heart as big as my boobs!

Kent: I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.

Boobarella: Booobs!

Mr. Burns: This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?

Smithers: Well your goons did run her off the road sir.

Mr. Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.

Homer: These batteries have to power everything in our house. (inserts Spice Girls tape) YO, I tell you what I want what i really really want what I want what I want I'll tell you what I want! (Batteries die) That was totally worth it.

Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.

The Simpsons Season 16.

Contents [hide]

1 Treehouse of Horror XV

2 All's Fair in Oven War

3 Sleeping With the Enemy

4 She Used to Be My Girl

5 Fat Man and Little Boy

6 Midnight Rx

7 Mommie Beerest

8 Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass

9 Pranksta Rap

10 There's Something About Marrying

11 On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister

12 Goo Goo Gai Pan

13 Mobile Homer

14 The Seven-Beer Snitch

15 Future-Drama

16 Don't Fear the Roofer

17 The Heartbroke Kid

18 A Star is Torn

19 Thank God It's Doomsday

20 Home Away From Homer

21 The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star

Treehouse of Horror XV[edit]

Bart (being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos): Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?

Homer (eating himself on a frozen dish): You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

[Ned has been suffering a series of premonitions that have come true]

Ned: Oh Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom!? [Ned sees he is standing outside a theater performing the Rosie O'Donnell Musical. He has another premonition of the show being cancelled after three performances]

Ned: [scoffs] Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming!

Ned has shot Homer, who wobbles back and forth and finally falls next to the core destruct button.

Ned:sighs in relief.

Homer's tongue flops on to the button and presses it.

Ned: Oh, you stupid son of a-

Springfield explodes.

Marge: I bet you just blew up Springfield so you could get out of doing the garage! Well, the joke's on you, mister, the garage made it into Heaven too!

(the garage now has wings and a halo)

God: Homer, it is time you got what is coming for you... by which of course I mean your frisbee!

Homer: Captain!

Lisa: Science officer!

Bart: Security!

Marge: Marge!

Mr. Burns: Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.

Flanders: What the Family Circus?

Lisa: Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?

Flanders: Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.

Bart: In this neighborhood, who hasn't?

Lisa: Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."

Inspector Wiggum: Well, well, well, look who's here. Master Detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.

Dr. Bartley: What's this? A doorknob! Good show!

Inspector Wiggum: (after eating eel pie) We British sure eat crap.

Purveyor [Comic Book Guy]: You may examine my curios, but do not touch my oddities. Use your judgment with my gewgaws.

Bart: [spots Flanders and his sons as shrunken heads] I recognize the missionaries!

Flanders: I just told a Native they were having sex the wrong way.

Inspector Wiggum: (to Lou) Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.

Lou: That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.

Eddie: (without a tongue) E's 'ight 'eef.

Inspector Wiggum: (escaping in a hot-air balloon) You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! Ha ha ha...(a spaceship pops the balloon which causes it to spin away into the distance) Remember me for my police work and not the murders!

Marge: Why is my swimsuit so revealing?

Homer: Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.

Bart: (to Marge) Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?

Marge: Cut me some slack, I'm a widow.

Homer: You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.

All's Fair in Oven War[edit]

Bart: [reading] Canned and frozen juices are more popular than ever these days, but most bachelors we know would prefer to squeeze their own tomatoes.

Homer: [Preparing to teach Bart about sex] Son, do you know what a "boob" is?

Bart: Oh, yeah.

Homer: Oh, good. That will save us some time.

Bart: I'm just spreading the Playdude philosophy… hi-fi's, Norman Mailer, gettin' some.

Homer: Um… what do you think "some" is?

Bart: Uh… toys?

Homer: Okay, why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?

Bart: Because we're poor?

Homer: Exactly, and we're poor because we have kids. And the biological method by which children are created by a man and a woman is...

[cut to outside of the treehouse; Bart can be heard screaming, and quickly runs to Milhouse's house]

Bart: Then the man...

[Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming; they run to other children's houses]

Both: Then the woman...

[Bart and Milhouse can be heard screaming, and run to two more houses, screaming and many kids run to many houses]

Homer: Well, better they hear it from me, now, than from their parents when they're old enough.

Marge: Oh my God! Someone somewhere says I'm better than someone else.

Sleeping With the Enemy[edit]

[Homer's making a sketch of himself for Lisa, in explaining "the Simpson butt"]

Homer: Every Simpson starts with a circle. Daddy has one big circle here...(belly)...then a smaller one up here...(chest)...two big, sexy circles for eyes, one macho muzzle...then a snappy new outfit. Ooh, I'm looking good. [draws pants] Ooh, cuffs, yeah. And for some reason, my hair and ear form an "M" and a "G". [completes sketch]

Bart: [when he sees Nelson helping Marge out with the garden] My mother... My bully... My God!

Nelson: A doctor for your teeth? What's next, a lawyer for your hair?

Nelson: He who ha-has last, ha-has best.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart did get 100. I gave a test on state capitals, but I forgot to roll up the map. Everyone got 100.

Ralph: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck-

[Fast forward to hours later, where everyone clearly frustrated and/or asleep]

Ralph: Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck,-

Bart: Say goose, you stupid freak!

[Ralph runs out of the room crying]

Lisa: What, I'm not fat enough already?! How could you say that to me?!

[about Bart and Lisa to Marge]

Principal Skinner: They're just asserting their independence. If a child doesn't do it now, it may never happen.

Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Do you want your vitamin in apple sauce or are you gonna take it like a big boy?

Principal Skinner: [quietly] Apple sauce.

Homer: Come on Lisa, say everything's fine. [in a squeaky girly voice] Everything's fine.

Lisa: That was you!

Homer: Prove it!

Homer: (to Bart) All right, boy, which con did you work here? Copy off another kid? Pay attention in class and take notes?

Ralph: Bart's my bestest boyfriend.

Homer: (to Marge) Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap.

Marge: It's not just the presents. The kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.

Homer: So they're growing up. Soon, they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then the peace of the grave.

Nelson: (pointing to the bats at the zoo) Haw haw! You're nocturnal!

Marge: You don't have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.

Nelson: Haw haw! I'm starting to let down my guard. Haw haw!

Marge: Nelson, how'd you like to earn some extra money around the house? I have some odd jobs my kids won't do.

Nelson: Yeah, I get the feeling Bart isn't everything he could be in the son department.

Marge: Oh. Sometimes I think he's more interested in his "Itchy and Mitchy" cartoons than me.

Nelson: Hey, I'm sure it's just a phase, like when I used to stand on the overpass and drop computers on the highway.

Marge: That's how we got our Kaypro.

Marge: It'll be B.L.A.M.! Bart, Lisa, and Mom! Hmmm?

Bart: Mom, when I want lame and needy, I'll call Milhouse.

She Used to Be My Girl[edit]

Marge: You know Chloe some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.

Homer: Oh come on Marge, the only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court ordered ankle bracelet. (Reveals a beeping bracelet on his right ankle) I'm here! I'm here! Quit bugging me.

Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?

Homer: It's a conversation starter. (short pause)

Marge: (moans)

Marge: I would've followed Chloe, but my plans changed when God brought me a wonderful little boy. Bart, stop that!

[Shows Bart cutting the TV with a saw]

Bart: This isn't what it looks like. [continues sawing]

Lisa: Uh oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.

Man #1: I'll get the spare.

Man #2: No! (praying) We must wait for God to jack us.

Homer: What happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks.

Kent Brockman: Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night or the weather girl wears a tube top, and if she doesn't, you win a pizza!

Chloe: Marge, where are you living now?

Marge: (mumbling) Evergreen Terrace.

Chloe: Paris? Just like you always dreamed!

Marge: Terrace. Evergreen Terrace. The street that smells like pee.

Chloe: (to Homer) I remember you in high school. You barfed in my tuba.

Homer: I believe it was the school's tuba.

Homer: (to Marge) Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink.

Chloe: (to Marge) Oh, that's it! I'm going to show you some moves I learned from G. Gordon Liddy!

Marge: I'm so sick of names!

Marge: (to Lisa) Lisa, honey, let me explain what happened tonight. Sometimes when your mom has half a glass of wine, she goes cuckoo bananas.

Bart: Thinking is for losers!

Lisa: Be careful, Mom! There's hot lava under the ground!

Chloe: Actually, when it's underground, lava is called magma!

Lisa: You're so smart, Chloe!

Chloe: Walter Cronkite told me the same thing.

Marge: Come on! You're out of the girl business!

Fat Man and Little Boy[edit]

(Bart has written "Adults suck, then you are one" on his T-shirt)

Marge: Bart! Someone wrote something cynical on your shirt. Let me wash it off.

Bart: Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.

Marge: Well I like t-shirts with a nice joke, like "Support our troops".

Homer: Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge, just like "Keep on truckin" - as if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Homer: Maybe the Internet can help me out. It sure gave some good advice on wang enhancement. Okay, .com. "Are you a terrorist?" No. "Would you like to meet someone new, but are tired of the bar scene?" No! I will never tire of the bar scene!

(Homer has created a working nuclear reactor)

Lisa: Mom, Dad created a device that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. And HE'S holding it!

Homer: Get back in the garage, old man!

Grampa: But there's spiders in the boxes!

Homer: Stay out of my boxes!

Bart: God, please give your daughter, the Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.

Bart: There's more than one way to lose a tooth! [to Nelson] Hey, idiot! You're fat! And your mom is naked on the Internet! You also smell.

Nelson: Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about.

Lisa: Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake. Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove.

Marge: We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell.

Homer: Yeah, nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric, single man takes an interest in their child.

Vendor: Mr. Retailer, over here! Your customers will love these mood lollipops. Every lick reveals your mood.

Apu: [lick, lick] It works, if blue is the color for unimpressed.

Homer: You give my son what he deserves, or I will knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass!

Goose Gladwell: Ho-ho, I must warn you sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. The things I saw are what made me CRAAAAAAZZZYYY!

Midnight Rx[edit]

(During the couch gag: the music is absent as the Simpsons sit on the couch as normal. Nothing happens. Lisa then looks at the camera)

Lisa: What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?

(Just then, a spear comes hurtling at Homer and impales him in the chest. The family stares in shock)

Homer: D'oh!

[Homer and Grampa arrive at the border. Homer is dressed in Mexican clothing, including a sombrero]

Homer: [To border patrol] Hola señor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.

Border Patrol: Splendid! Welcome to Canada!

Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: Fear not Smithers! I'll move heaven and earth to save you! It's still easier then teaching a new assistant my filing system.

Apu: [While they ride to Canada] Homer! Please tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!

Ned Flanders: I was just saying how brave he is to worship a false god!

Apu: I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that-[Flanders pinches] OW, ow! Okay, he just pinched me!

Ned Flanders: Where's your super team, now?

Homer: Listen, you two! I'll you both who the true God is, if you're both quiet for the rest of the trip! [Ned and Apu protest] All right, I'm coming back there! [Unbuckles seatbelt and leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]

Apu: Save me, Shiva!

Ned Flanders: Why don't you just call for Hawkman?

Apu: Why don't you just shut up!?

[After Homer and Grampa are arrested for smuggling in Canada]

Canadian Official 1: We have confiscated your car and its contents.

Canadian Official 2: Nous avons confisqué votre voiture et son contenu.

Canadian Official 1: You may leave Canada, but never return.

Canadian Official 2: Vous pouvez quitter le Canada, mais vous n'avez plus le droit de rentrer.

Canadian Official 1: I am a big fat French idiot.

Canadian Official 2: Je suis un grand gros...-hey!

Canadian Official 1: Heh, heh, heh!

Mommie Beerest[edit]

Homer's Business Card: (Gives to Marge in case she wanted to cheat on Moe)

Homer Simpson Plus Size Butt Model

Homer: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?

Marge: I would like it. You never come with me to my mother's.

Homer: That's because I hate her.

Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass[edit]

Crazy Cat Lady: Ugh, this whole place is disgusting.

Marge: I agree. [turns around] Hey, aren't you the crazy cat woman?

Crazy Cat Lady: Yes I am, but thanks to this psycho-active medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.

Marge: Those are just Reese's Pieces.

[Crazy Cat Lady abruptly resumes her normal behavior, screaming gibberish and hurling cats]

Homer: The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was.

Homer: I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.

Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everybody calls me "Comic Book Guy".

Ned Flanders: Well I'll just call you friend. Here's your tape, friend.

[We see Pac-Man & Ms. Pac-Man at the Super Bowl getting married]

Wedding Announcer: I now pronounce you Pac-Man and wife.

Pranksta Rap[edit]

Bart: (gulps) Time to face my punishment like a man, or find my way out of it like a kid!

Wiggum: Lou, you're promoted to chief of police.

Lou: Sweet.

Wiggum: And Eddie, you're promoted to Lou.

Eddie: Nice. And, uh, who's gonna be Eddie?

Wiggum: We don't need an Eddie. (Eddie looks down in disappointment.)

There's Something About Marrying[edit]

Bart: Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?

Homer: Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it! (picks up phone and dials)

Phone: You've reached FOX. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line - your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

Krusty: I want to clear up a misconception about the Wha-Cha-Ma-Carcass Sandwich. I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals! Everyone does it!

Barney: Now as the Road Runner said to the coyote. (jumps in the air mimicking the Road Runner) Beep Beep! (runs off)

On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister[edit]

Sprawl Mart Boss: You're on fire, not like that useless old man.

Homer: Hey, that useless old man happens to be my father! Please continue.

Sprawl Mart Boss: If you don't work all night then we're deport you back to Mexico.

Homer: But I'm an American citizen.

Sprawl Mart Boss: Oh, really, Senor Homer? (Holds a forged ID card claiming Homer is Mexican)

Homer: Dios mio.

Goo Goo Gai Pan[edit]

Homer: [visiting the corpse of Mao Zedong] Aww... Look at him sleeping... He's like a little angel, that killed 50 million people. [to Mao] Yes you are! Yes you are!

Chinese "Bart": (the real Bart is absent) Feast on my shorts, you stupid American father!

Madam Wu: [after discovering Selma's scam] Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

Madam Wu: You may keep your baby, but you! Drop the panda!

[Homer is seen trying to smuggle a panda cub into his luggage]

Homer: But he loves me! [the panda bites Homer] OW! Why you little...! I'll endanger you! [strangles the panda]

Mobile Homer[edit]

Marge: I just think we should be building a nest egg.

Homer: Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.

Marge: I have a book from the library with the same information!

Homer: Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to haul them away... at my expense! [he picks up the phone and dials 4-1-1] Directory assistance?

Marge: No more directory assistance! It's not free.

Homer: Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.

Marge: No more Oriental mustard!

Marge: Last year you spent $5,000 on doughnuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter...

Homer: Hey, I earn that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.

Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch.

Homer: [gasps] Who told you that?

Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

Chief Wiggum: Would you look at those Simpson kids! Last year it was razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts!

Lou: Uh... I'm gonna say eggs.

Chief Wiggum: Shut up!

Homer: Bring back our kids you Cyprus splitting jerks!

Turkish Captain: Just for that, we keep your children!

Homer: Will you raise them Christian?

Turkish Captain: Coptic Christian.

Homer: No!

The Seven-Beer Snitch[edit]

Burns: ...this prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons! Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood, and someone who can really point at genitalia.

Homer: (after learning that he failed the guard test) But he misread my pee! He misread my pee!

Future-Drama[edit]

[Bart and Homer are flying around in an imperfect hovercar.]

Bart: Why'd you buy the first hovercar ever made? Didn't you know it'd take a while to work out the kinks?

Homer: I know! It's a hovercar!

Lisa: You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!

Bart: No, you're gay for Moleman.

Moleman: [morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.

Don't Fear the Roofer[edit]

Bart: Dad, remember how you said if I used a chainsaw unsupervised I'd hurt myself? Well, you were wrong. I hurt someone else.

Marge: We're going to take the dog to the V-E-T.

Santa's Little Helper: Huh?

Marge: Then take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.

Bart: Huh?

Marge: I'll tell you what it means when it's over, honey.

Ray: Look at the size of that nacho plate. I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.

Homer: Ha ha ha ha ha, the sun.

Ray: Hey you want to split this?

Homer: Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am.

The Heartbroke Kid[edit]

Bart: I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.

Homer: Did you hear that Foxie, the Fox network fox?

Spangler: Mr. Simpson, you're suffering from PSI. Poor self esteem. That's not I! (yelling) Every sign is wrong!

A Star is Torn[edit]

Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Do you have what it takes to be a singing sensation? A dynamite voice? Ruthless, pushy parents? A void in your self-esteem that can only be filled by applause? Oh, God, I know that void. Then you were born to enter Krusty's Li'l Starmaker singing competition!

Disclaimer voice: Not affiliated with American Idol. We've never even heard of American Idol.

Krusty: The winner will be animated into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon! So enter today, especially if you're a funny-looking kid who doesn't know he sucks!

Milhouse: (starts dialing the number) I'm coming Krusty!

Ralph Wiggum: G. [long pause] How I wonder what you are.

Homer: (about Cameron as he walks onstage in a flashy costume and shades) He's about to learn one of the most important lessons in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.

Cameron: (singing) I'm a privileged boy, it's great, I gotta tell ya. Privileged boy, my dad could buy and sell ya. It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me. I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d'. And then I'll go to Yale, (shows a diploma) because I am a legacy! (down on one knee and pointing at the crowd) I'm better than you!

Crowd: BOOOO!

Carl: You SUCK, Johnny Rainbow!

Lenny: (as he tears up a picture of "Johnny Rainbow") I believed in you!

Thank God It's Doomsday[edit]

Lisa: Why didn't we listen to dad?!

Marge: The Worst part is I'll never see my Homie again!

Satan: That's the Worst part? Then I'm not doing my job!

Homer: Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here, really top notch, but I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.

God: Oh, don't you talk about family suffering with me! My son went to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same ever since. [shows Jesus sitting on a swing looking down and spinning slowly]

Homer: He'll be fine.

Homer: (To God) You have just made a powerful enemy!

Home Away From Homer[edit]

Homer: What's this? [reads the note] "Goodbye Springfield..."

Ned: [in voiceover] "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the Last-Diddly-Ast time!"

Homer: Last-Diddly-Ast? [sobbing] He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! [sobs and eats cookies]

Homer: What are you kids laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star[edit]

[Flashback]

Sean: Then one day, after a drunken brawl with my da...[flashback to Sean and his father fighting]

Sean's father: Yer just like yer mother; can't take a punch!

Sean: Then, as I was picking up my teeth, St. Peter appeared to me. He said, "Sean, ya wanker. Repent of your wicked ways or sod off!" Then he gobbed in my face and turned back into a lightpost.

Sean: We're about to play Bingo.

Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.

Sean: Bingo.

Homer: Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.

Sean: (sighs) Why don't you just yell, "Yea! I win!"?

Homer: (points) Bingo!

Homer: Face it, Marge, Catholics rule! We've got Boston, South America, the good part of Ireland, and we're making serious in-roads in Mozambique, baby!

Bart Soldier: We believe that God's last prophet, Bart Simpson, preached a message of tolerance and love.

Bartman Soldier: We believe the holy Bartman preached a message of understanding and peace, before he was betrayed by his follower, Milhouse! And pulled apart by snow-mobiles, until he died.

Bart Soldiers: EAT BART'S SHORTS!

Bartman Soldiers: COWABUNGA!

[War rages]

The Simpsons season 17.

Contents [hide]

1 Bonfire of the Manatees

2 The Girl Who Slept Too Little

3 Milhouse of Sand and Fog

4 Treehouse of Horror XVI

5 Marge's Son Poisoning

6 See Homer Run

7 The Last of the Red Hat Mamas

8 The Italian Bob

9 Simpsons Christmas Stories

10 Homer's Paternity Coot

11 We're on the Road to D'ohwhere

12 My Fair Laddy

13 The Seemingly Never-Ending Story

14 Bart Has Two Mommies

15 Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife

16 Million Dollar Abie

17 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore

18 The Wettest Stories Ever Told

19 Girls Just Want To Have Sums

20 Regarding Margie

21 The Monkey Suit

22 Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play

Bonfire of the Manatees[edit]

Homer: All right! I'll let you shoot your gay adult film at my house.

Mob Boss: I never said anything about gay.

Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.

(Homer is once again hit with the hammers)

Homer: Ow!

Diner Cook: Oh yes. Senora left with a rugged yet sensitive man of science.

Homer: (worried) Rugged? Is that the same thing as 'handsome'?

Diner Cook: Oh no. Handsome means he looks at himself in the mirror. Rugged means you look at him.

Homer: (groans)

The Girl Who Slept Too Little[edit]

Marge: Whatever happened to please and thank you?

Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

Homer: Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!

Homer: "Stamps rule! I mean, suck!"

Milhouse of Sand and Fog[edit]

[Maggie has chickenpox]

Marge: Homer, don't touch her, you've never had chickenpox.

Homer: I know, and you did and you're great.

Marge: Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile, down there.

Homer: Ugh, you always gotta work blue don't you Marge?

Homer leaves, but pokes his head through

Homer: You're better than that.

Bart: This is all my fault! I planted Mom's bra in Milhouse's parents' bed!

Homer: Why, you little...! (starts strangling Bart)

Marge: Homer, I can save you both. Just let go of the rock!

Homer whimpers in fear

Marge: Just do it! Trust me!

Homer: Okay.

Homer releases the rock as Marge, with a rope tied to her ankle and the tree, lunges after her son and husband. Homer grabs onto her hair, whilst Bart grabs onto Homer's leg, hanging on for dear life.

Bart: Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you two to get back together.

Homer: Make it 2 kajillion.

Marge: Homer!

Homer: We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.

Treehouse of Horror XVI[edit]

: I'm afraid that your son is in a deep coma, and may never wake up.

Homer: Well, at least he's not dead.

Dr. Hibbert: I should say so. This way I can keep billing you!

(After getting shot in manhunt, Apu is reincarnated into a rabbit)

Apu: Ha ha! You can't kill a Hindu!

(Hops into a bear trap.)

Apu: AH! Help me, Jesus!

Marge's Son Poisoning[edit]

Marge: (to Bart) The last thing I want is for you to turn into that! (Points to Principal Skinner)

Principal Skinner: (Looks behind him) What? The wall?

[Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]

Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

[A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]

Homer: [offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.

Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) M-m-m-my Sharona!

See Homer Run[edit]

Quimby: Who the hell are you?

Quimby's Nephew: Your press secretary.

Quimby: I knew I should have hired my nephew!

Quimby's Nephew: I am your nephew.

Quimby: Okay, so I stink! Tough Toblerone! Read the charter people! I can't be removed from office... except by a simple recall election... please disregard that last part!

Homer: I will run for mayor!

Lisa: And I'll be your campaign manager!

Homer: And I'll find out what a Mayor does! (Gets some Beer) Expand my brain, learning juice!

Homer: Marge, without this outfit I'm just Homer Simpson, multiple felon. With it I'm a costumed hero like George Washington, or Dame Edna!

The Last of the Red Hat Mamas[edit]

Announcer: And now, we return to the Vic Tayback Hotel & Casino in Downtown Las Vegas for Has-Been Celebrity Poker.

Host: As always, all our celebrities are playing for charity.

Krusty: What?! I am so out of here!

Marge: My husband has forgot our last three anniversaries, he made a badminton net out of my wedding dress, which he never uses, and last week, he called out his bowling ball's name during sex!

Homer: Wait a minute, if she's going bird watching then why did she leave her Peterson's Guide to Bird Watching? (Looks inside) (gasps) Road Runners are real?

Lou: Sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what we really feel

The Italian Bob[edit]

Brandine: [to Cletus] You are the most wonderful husband - and son - I ever had.

Homer: (Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son) Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.

Sideshow Bob: Well, I experimented in college, as one does.

Homer: Yeah, I never went to college.

Sideshow Bob: [sarcastic] Stop the presses.

[Krusty tries his best to sing "Vesti la giubba" from Pagliacci]

Krusty the Clown: [sings] No more Rice Krispies! We are out of Rice Krispies! [laughs a bit before his laughter turns into cries; audience boos] Don't blame me, I didn't write this crap!

Sideshow Bob: [aside] I can't believe what that clown is doing to Leoncavallo! And they call me a murderer!

Gino: [sighting the Simpsons] Vendetta! [puts a knife to his mouth and slides down the rope; in a muffled tone] Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta!

Sideshow Bob: [to Francesca] I don't mean to brag, but he's evil at an eighth-grade level!

Simpsons Christmas Stories[edit]

Homer as Joseph: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

Caligatus Lou: Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.

Centurion Wiggum: Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.

(we then see Matthew, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew")

Matthew (begins writing): What a boffo beginning for my book!

Abraham Simpson: [After Japanese fighter planes shoot down his brother, Cyrus] You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!

Homer's Paternity Coot[edit]

We're on the Road to D'ohwhere[edit]

Bart: I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.

Principal Skinner: (upclose) I don't want Milhouse.

Milhouse: Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.

Pilot: (over intercom) Welcome to Atlanta folks, please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop.

Bart: (looking up at the fasten seat belt sign) Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do!

(He takes off his seatbelt and an alarm sounds)

Pilot: Thanks a lot 33C! Now we have to fly all the way back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired!

(The rest of the passengers groan in disgust as the plane does a U-turn and takes off again)

[Homer is trapped in the car, dangling over a cliff edge. Bart appears behind him]

Homer: Boy, push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself!

Bart: [suspicious] If I save you, what are you going to do to me?

Homer: [calmly] Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are! [Bart pushes down on the bumper, at which point Homer goes berserk] I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family!

[Bart releases the bumper]

Homer: [calmly] Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship!

[Bart pushes down]

Homer: [angry] I'm gonna double-kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave! Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again: that's the beauty of a shallow grave!

[Bart releases the bumper]

Homer: [calm] Oh you sweet little angel! I'm gonna...

[Bart pushes down]

Homer: [angry]...rip your head off and spit down...

'[Bart releases the bumper]

Homer: [calm]...your adorable little neck because I...

[Bart pushes down]

Homer: [angry]...wanna smash your stupid little head!

[Bart releases the bumper]

Homer: [calm] Oh but I love you! We'll go on a fishing trip...

[Bart pushes down]

Homer: [angry] But first I'm gonna put you in a sawmill! Then push your little face down, that's what I'm gonna do!

[Lisa arrives home and listens two messages in the answering machine]

Marge: Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!

Homer: Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say, "Hey"!

Lisa: Well, Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.

My Fair Laddy[edit]

Bart: (addressing Willie) That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.

Mr. Largo: (Having the tractor on top of the school) How did I get up here?!

The Seemingly Never-Ending Story[edit]

The Simpsons fall into a hole. Homer is too fat to get through.

Homer: I'm stuck and I have to piddle (short break) Now I'm just stuck.

Burns: I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.

Moe: (retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna) I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'

Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?

Barney: I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

The Rich Texan: I'm gonna win me a Nuclear Plant.

Burns: Dream on Bitch!

Homer: Hey Moe. (Angrily) Thanks to you I've been sober all week!

Bart Has Two Mommies[edit]

Rod and Todd are bored.

Rod: What are we going to do now?

Ned Flanders: What all sensible children are doing at your age. Looking at bread.

Marge: Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.

Homer: (Sarcastically) Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.

Marge: I didn't say that.

Homer: (still sarcastic) I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.

Marge: (concerned) I could never think of something that horrible!

Homer: (still sarcastic) And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!

Marge: Sorry I asked. (leaves)

Lisa: Dad, you can't keep this up for long.

Homer: (still sarcastic) Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!

Nelson: [in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being born in Africa]That's a lie! Mr. Teeny was born in Funnytown, Krusty said so.

Lisa: Nelson, Funnytown doesn't exist!

Nelson: Aww, I wanted to live on Coo-coo Corner.

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife[edit]

Homer: All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. (shows diagram) Especially the hair!

Charles: Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.

Homer: You take forever to say nothing.

Charles: Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?

(Charles wife, Verity walks in with Patty)

Verity: Charles, I'm leaving you.

Patty: You snooze, you lose!

Charles: (astounded) You're leaving me for him!?

Homer: So it would seem, but Cousin It there was born a woman!

Patty: What brought us together is how much we hate you!

Homer: Yeah!? Well I'm gonna vote 'No' on Proposition 72 so you can't adopt! (Patty twists Homer's arm) Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling station's up a hill and I never make it!

Lisa: Why must we share them with the world?

Homer: Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV... TV!

Lisa: But Dad!

Homer: Yes, TV-sa?

Lisa: Forget it...

Million Dollar Abie[edit]

Homer: (angrily) You're an useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.

Abe: I watch the baby.

Marge: Where is the baby?

Abe: (surprised) You left me with a baby?!

Abe: A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore[edit]

Comic Book Guy: (after Richard is kidnapped) Whoa! He's gone!

Doug: There must be a Stargate in this stadium!

Benjamin: Everybody look for it!

Comic Book Guy: Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!

Benjamin: Everybody look for her!

(the nerds close in on Willie)

Willie: This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!

Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?

Smithers: I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.

Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

Mr Burns: Well, I guess we'll have to find a place where the workers are more desperate and ignorant...Springfield!

The Wettest Stories Ever Told[edit]

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. (pauses for a moment) Too bad I don't know any.

Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.

Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.

Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.

Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Captain Seymour Bligh: (over speaker) Welcome to Day 718 of our voyage. First off, in an attempt to preserve water, you will not be given any water. (crew groans) And also, because of a sketch of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man (shows the offending picture) I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. (Willie does so) And I can assure you that there were cookies in there. Good cookies, the kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could bake.

Second Officer Milhouse: My father's alive?

Seymour Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. (He throws the Milhouse's father's letter outside the window)

Girls Just Want To Have Sums[edit]

Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.

Edna Krabappel: [arms crossed] Are you saying that men and women are identical?

Skinner: Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.

Lindsay Nagel: [arms crossed] Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!

Skinner: [getting nervous] No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!

[Skinner hyperventilates and faints]

[Homer and Marge are in bed.]

Homer: So... do you wanna... "wang chung tonight"?

Marge: I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?

Homer: [shifting his eyes nervously] Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.

[Marge groans, then scene cuts to Homer sleeping on the couch]

Homer: Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!

[scene cuts to Homer sleeping in the doghouse]

Homer: Oh, how did this happen?

Regarding Margie[edit]

Maid 1: "You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? DIRTY CLOTHES!"

Maid 2: "I found a hair in the drain! Not a fine, upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!"

Maids: "UNTIDY! UNTIDY! UNTIDY!"

(shamrock wipe to reality)

Marge: (Hastily) Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!

Homer: When will Marge remember us?

Dr. Hibbert: It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.

Homer: Awww! Jogging?

Dr. Hibbert: I didn't say you should be jogging.

Homer: Sweet!

Dr. Hibbert: Although you should be jogging.

Homer: Aww! Jogging?

Homer: See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.

Marge: I know what the sun is!

Homer: Yes, now you do.

The Monkey Suit[edit]

Marge: Go on Maggie, it's safe to pick up the deadly weapons.

(Maggie picks up a pen-knife, the blade very nearly hits Marge's eye)

Marge: Oh! A mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses-

(Maggie holds up the knife and points it at Marge, with a evil smile on her face)

Marge: OK, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...

Todd: Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.

Ned: (yelling) No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!

Todd: But you said a stork brought me.

Ned: Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.

Rod: Who brings baby storks?

Ned: There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!

Todd: (praying in front of a statue of a stork) Please bless daddy and mommy...

Ned: Stop praying to that stork!

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play[edit]

Homer: We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!

Lisa: Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting. If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now. (she and Bart then listen closely)

Homer: (in distance) And I say, a monkey can mow our lawn!

Watching Tabitha Vixx pole-dancing on stage during a concert

Bart: (dreamily) Wow. I've got a sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill...

Marge: That's it, we're leaving!

The Simpsons season 18.

Contents [hide]

1 The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer

2 Jazzy and the Pussycats

3 Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em...

4 Treehouse of Horror XVII

5 G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)

6 Moe'N'a Lisa

7 Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)

8 The Haw-Hawed Couple

9 Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2

10 The Wife Aquatic

11 Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times

12 Little Big Girl

13 Springfield Up

14 Yokel Chords

15 Rome-old and Juli-eh

16 Homerazzi

17 Marge Gamer

18 The Boys of Bummer

19 Crook and Ladder

20 Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot!

21 24 Minutes

22 You Kent Always Say What You Want

The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer[edit]

[a large black SUV pulls up outside the school, Fat Tony opens the door]

Fat Tony: (in a murderous voice) We are going for a ride...

[the children gasp]

... (normally) by which I mean the car pool, perhaps we will get yogurt...

[the children sigh with relief]

...(back to murderous) Now, who wants to sleep with the fishes?...

[the children gasp again]

...(back to normal) 'cause I just bought this Finding Nemo bedspread!

[the children sigh with relief again]

[in Fat Tony's home]

Fat Tony: Welcome to my home.

Marge: [gasps] Must have cost a fortune!

Fat Tony: Actually, you can really keep costs down when you don't pay for materials, or labor, or permits or... land.

Homer: Wow, your paintings have brush marks. And your statues have wieners.

Fat Tony: Your words honor my family.

Krusty: Ow, my schnoz! My punim! My pupik! My genechtagazoink!

[Nelson finds out Michael's dad is Fat Tony.]

Nelson: Your dad's a mob boss? [Laughs nervously] Please don't have me whacked! I was just kiddin' around! We were all havin' fun. Wasn't it fun? [Laughs nervously] Oh, fun is so fun. [Laughs nervously] There is no Mafia! [pulls his own shirt over his face.] Columbus Day is better than Christmas!

Jazzy and the Pussycats[edit]

Homer: Boy, get dressed! You're going to a jazz brunch as punishment for all the racket you're making.

Bart: I thought you wanted me to drum?

Homer: Hmph. I'm sending you mixed messages. Now get the hell out of here! (slams door, then opens it again) I love you so much. (Hostile) Damn you! (Shakes fist)

Krusty: Hey hey! We got more jazz superstars on the way, folks! Gooey Martin, Willie Mims, Dropjaws Turner, Sketch Friendly, Tootsie Childs, Sammy Biltmore, No-Talent Jones, Anwar Bernitez, Bossy Marmalade, Bad-Check Mazursky, Ray-Ray Takamura, Shakey Premise, Boopsie Crouton, Richard Sakai, The Premarital Sextet, C.S.I. Miami, D.W. Jitters, The Chubb Group, Canteloupe St. Pierre and many many more funny names.

Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em...[edit]

Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.

Homer: But we already own a book!

Homer: This doesn't look easy. But I bet it is!

Principal Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long...

Treehouse of Horror XVII[edit]

Carl: I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?

Lenny: I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.

Abe: I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.

Lenny: "First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?

Abe: Oh, you'll see!

[Homer eats two German guys at an Oktoberfest]

German Guy: What did we Germans do to deserve this?

[Other German stares at him]

German Guy: Oh, yeah.

G.I. (Annoyed Grunt)[edit]

Recruiter: How many of you like video games? (the kids cheer) Well, what if there was a violent video game that you could play for free, plus it's real and not a game at all?

Homer: By the time Bart is 18, we're gonna control the world. [pause] We're China, right?

Homer: Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?

Recruiter: A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.

Moe'N'a Lisa[edit]

Marge: (Reads the first line of Moe′s letter to Homer) "Dear Pusbag".

Homer: Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?

Moe: (yells) It's for you, pusbag!

Jameson: (Reads Moe′s poem, then hands it to an assistant) Run it on the front page and pay him nothing. (Picks up the phone) Stop the presses and send my wife some flowers and bring me an anvil! What do you mean you don't work for me, you're hired! Now that you're hired you're fired! Now that you don't work here we can be friends. Now that we're friends how come you never call, some friend you are! (Hangs up) Heh, I love this business!

Jameson: That's sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos, photos of Spider-Man!

Employee: This is a poetry journal.

Jameson: Okay, then poems about Spider-Man, and I want them finished before you start, and before you finish get me some coffee. And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme, ABBAABBACDECDE. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?

Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair)[edit]

(200 years later, Marge's giant Homer sculpture is on show in a museum)

Spacewoman: This is the last known piece of art before the collapse of Western civilization.

Spaceman: If only we'd known that iPods would unite to enslave the people they entertained.

(Outside the dome, giant iPods are whipping a group of humans.)

Slave: What do you want?!

iPod: Nothing, we just like whipping!

Homer: Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!

The Haw-Hawed Couple[edit]

Homer: (thinking) No book is ever going to make my daughter sad. Time to do what I do best! Lie to a child!

Milhouse: Trust me Bart, it's better to walk in on both your parents instead of just one of them.

Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2[edit]

Marge: It's true. I do have trouble saying no. It all started when I was 7.

(Cuts to flashback)

Selma: Marjorie. We need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.

Marge: No! (Patty and Selma shove her into her dollhouse) Mom? Grandma? Aunt Laurina? Anybody? (Trips on a toy car)

(Cuts out of flashback)

Marge: And that's why I have trouble saying no to people. Even Gil.

Homer: Marge, I have no idea what you were just thinking about. Why would you think I did?

Homer: (holding the blade of the grumple's skate to his neck) Give back that Holiday cheer, you bastard!

Grumple: Never!

The Wife Aquatic[edit]

(While watching outdoor silent movie Ned Flanders chose.)

Kearney: This movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!

Jimbo: And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".

Dolph: (referring to snack) What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.

Homer: We left plenty of food so you won't starve.

Grampa: Oh, thank you.

Homer: I was talking to the cat.

Marge: Oh no, someone carved swastikas into your eyes!

Homer: I'm sure it was just some guy, who was filled with hate.

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times[edit]

Marge: Homer no! Revenge never solves anything!

Homer: Then what is America doing in Iraq?!

Judge: I sentence you to life.

Homer: You moron, I'm already alive!

Judge: In prison! (hammers podium)

Homer: AAAAH!

Martin: G'morning dinguses! What are you doing, touching each others butts?

Dolph: You're so dead you're alive!

Lisa: [congratulating Milhouse on finding a way to take revenge on the school bullies] Milhouse, thanks to you, the nerds can breathe easy. Except the ones with asthma, which is all of them, but still, it's great!

Milhouse: Yep, having a weapon in school has really made things awesome!

Milhouse: Ow!

Lisa: (giggles)

Martin: Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.

Milhouse: YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!

(Milhouse inflicts Wet Willie on Martin and another kid

Milhouse: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lisa: Milhouse, what's gotten into you?

Milhouse: Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing i kept this list. (Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly)

Lisa: No, no, you already got your revenge!

Milhouse: You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! (Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie) You laughed when I threw up in the Glass Glowing tour! (Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie) Girls like you better! (Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself) Your parents are married! (Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie

Bart: Ay, caramba! (Back at the present) That's the only line I get in your stupid story?

Lisa: There are no small parts, just small actors.

Milhouse: (Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies)

New Kid: This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!

Milhouse: You will! This is prevenge! (Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse)

Willie: Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the carp on his weirdo pills? (Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive)

Principal Skinner: (walks by) Willie, clean up this mess!

Willie: Alright! (Starts licking his blood)

Lisa: Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!

Milhouse: You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!

Lisa: I see (Chuckles nervously) While it would be an honor to be your queen...

Milhouse: Go on.

Lisa: I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.

Milhouse: NOBODY SPEALS MY FEELINGS! (Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to)

Milhouse: I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa (Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up)

Nelson: Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! (Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse)

Little Big Girl[edit]

Grampa Simpson: Yep, the Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we're the cup of water they rinse the scoops in. Grampa out.

Bart: Utah? Home of America's most powerful weirdoes!

Utah Minister: So, how many wives will you be marrying today, Mr Simpson?

Bart: Just one.

Utah Minister: What, are you gay?

Homer: Bart, take these volleyballs, fill them up, and throw them over the prison wall to create chaos and confusion.

Darcy: [to Bart] You look kind of young.

Bart: Uh, yeah, I have that disease that makes you look like an old man, but they gave me medicine for it and I took too much.

Darcy: I'm very religious that way.

Bart: How religious can you be if you're pregnant? (Darcy slaps Bart) Good answer.

[When Darcy screams at Bart to get her strawberries]

Bart: Take my wife, please... hey, I finally get that joke!

Homer: (calling Bart) Bart! This is a matter of life and death! What is the difference between "ketchup" and "catsup"? (Bart throws the cell phone away.) They're gonna cut my head off!

Lisa: [to Bart while he's driving] Slow down! Watch out for that car. Your hands should be at 10:00 and 2:00, not 3:00 and nothing!

Bart: You know, it'd be a real shame if someone started investigating your Indian heritage!

Lisa: [meekly] I'll be good.

Darcy: [to Bart] You really are 10. I just thought you were really stupid.

Bart: I'm 10 and stupid! Look if I'm not a father then, who is?

Darcy: A Norwegian exchange student. He's long gone, back to Norwegia. I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad.

Springfield Up[edit]

Krusty: Homer gave me a kidney once. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came with postage due, but it was a lovely gesture.

Yokel Chords[edit]

Skinner: You're not getting away with this, young man! You're going to the school psychologist!

Psychologist: [running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!

Chalmers: Or, preferably, a qualified professional.

[at Bart's last counseling session with school-paid psychologist Stacey Swanson]

Bart: ...And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called "Fox News".

Rome-old and Juli-eh[edit]

Homer: I have to warn you, I'm not good with details. Or the big picture. I also show up late. And drunk. [whispers enthusiastically] I have a good feeling about this!

Selma: Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?

Grandpa: We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, [in a creepy voice] then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! [sinister zoom-in] They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.

[Bart and Lisa swindled a box company into giving them a large amount of boxes that were made into a fort]

Sarcastic Man: Hey, you little brats. Get down from those battlements. Those boxes are for shipping. Not for creating a world of pure imagination. Give them back!

Bart: Not until we are bored with them. Now begone!

Sarcastic Man: (Voice becomes deeper) I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together, we shall take back what is ours and hell will rain down upon you!

Lisa: What if we're not here?

Sarcastic Man: We will come two more times. And then you will have to come to our customer's center. (Normal Voice) It's near the airport, where the old Crown Books used to be.

Homerazzi[edit]

Editor: (looking through Homer's photos) Terrific! Outstanding! This has Page One written all over it! What the hell did you do that for?

(he holds up a photograph with "Page One" written all over it in ink)

Homer: I wanted to remember my place in the book I was reading.

Marge: (after fire caused by birthday candle) This disasterette was a real wake up call, we need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.

Firefighter: You could buy a fire-proof safe.

Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames.

Firefighter: Sir we've been here six times this month.

Homer: Yeah but, uhm, one of those I dialed 911 by mistake but I was too embarrassed to admit it, so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth... no I'm lying again it feels bad.

Bart: What's that comin' out of the safe?

Homer: I don't know-Maybe the Krusty doll accidentally turned on the car's headlights, which focused on the cologne bottle, causing it to boil and soon explode.

Lisa: Dad, that's ridiculous!

(The safe blows apart from the explosion.)

Krusty Doll: What's the deal with this California pizza? If I wanted cheese and fruit-(As it burns from the flames and begins melting)-I'd...have...to...(Melts into a plastic puddle)

Marge: (Devastated when the family album falls apart into ashes) Nooooooo! It's gone! That family album was a record of my accomplishments! It's like what a resume is for a man.

Lisa: I agree, Mom. It's very sad. But we'll have to move on. It's not like we can restage all our family photos.

Marge: (Becoming delighted upon the idea) Restage the photos!

Bart: Lisa you fool, you've doomed us all!

(Marge quickly puts a baby bonnet on him and snaps a shot with her camera as he cries out before she takes a second shot, which is among the first ones seen in the new family album.)

Bart: Nooooooo!

Marge Gamer[edit]

(Marge is telling her family how she is excited over discovering the Internet)

Lisa: I am proud of you, mom! You are like Christopher Columbus - you discovered something millions of people knew about before you.

Lisa: (angrily) You can't give me a yellow card! You're my father!

Homer: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your father anymore, and judging by how tight they are, I'm never going to be anyone else's either.

(Bart is about to revive Marge's character in the online role-playing game)

Bart: Mom, I'm going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life...by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.

The Boys of Bummer[edit]

Abe: You stink, LaBoot!

LaBoot: No I don't! Google my stats!

LaBoot: Just it for me kid, you'll be just fine.

Lisa: You feel better now, Bart?

LaBoot: Bart? Are you Bart Simpson?

LaBoot: Talking to you was an error in my life!

LaBoot: BOO! Boo indeed!

Bart: [Starts crying]

Homer: This makes up for everything that's ever gone wrong in my life – or ever will!

Chief Wiggum: Jump! Who said that?

Bart: I hate Bart Simpson!

Abe: You stink, LaBoot!

LaBoot: Dammit!

Crook and Ladder[edit]

Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.

Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?

Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!

Homer: [monotonous] Zombie kill!

Bart: Not kill, play!

Homer: [sullen] Zombie file grievance.

Kent Brockman: While our brave firemen recuperate, Springfield is a town without a fire department - which is bad news for people like this man. [camera pans out to show man trapped in a burning house] Sir! How does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?

Man: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other! That's the real emergency, Kent.

Apu: Apu is dead! He has been reincarnated as this cat.

[Homer and Moe gasp]

Apu: Ha! You have just been Apu'd!

Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot![edit]

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

Lisa: Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? [he does] Corn. [again] More corn. [again] Another kid getting thrown in the air. [again] Witches' coven. [again] Seattle Space Needle. [again] Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. [again] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [again] And corn again.

24 Minutes[edit]

[Homer and Milhouse are riding a dumpster down the street]

Homer: [gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!

Wiggum: Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?

Bauer: Good work Lisa!

Bart: What about me?!

Bauer: [cocks pistol and aims at Bart's head] Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! [Vehicles and soldiers move into the room from everywhere with guns aimed at Bart.] I pulled every single agent off of all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. [nuke goes off in the distance; crowd gasps and murmurs] Oh, it's okay. That was Shelbyville. [crowd sighs with relief]

You Kent Always Say What You Want[edit]

Marge: Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!

Bart: DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!

Lisa: Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.

Homer: [Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out - Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!

Lisa: You're going to the dentist too, Dad.

Homer: [disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...

Dental Hygienist: Here's a free tooth-brush! Keep those teeth clean! [handing Bart a bag]

Bart: So you're saying I should do your job, for you, at home, for free? You wish! [Throws the bag in the trash can]

Homer: What the hell is a Fundae?

Cashier: It's a Sundae that's fun!

Homer: [Yelling] I like that! [Talking normally] But I'm on a bit of a health kick so I'll take the low fat vanilla, with the following mix-ins; Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlotte-ville chew, Nice and Many, Kat-Kit, Herschel Smooches, Mrs. Bad-Bar and Milk-Dudes.

Fox News reporter: This is Fox News, with the latest Liberal Outrage. It seems liberals want to give NASA the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it!

Homer: Liberals, I hate them so much!

The Simpsons season 19.

Contents [hide]

1 He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs

2 The Homer of Seville

3 Midnight Towboy

4 I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

5 Treehouse of Horror XVIII

6 Little Orphan Millie

7 Husbands and Knives

8 Funeral for a Fiend

9 Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind

10 E. Pluribus Wiggum

11 That 90's Show

12 Love, Springfieldian Style

13 The Debarted

14 Dial 'N' for Nerder

15 Smoke on the Daughter

16 Papa Don't Leech

17 Apocalypse Cow

18 Any Given Sundance

19 Mona Leaves-a

20 All About Lisa

He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs[edit]

Mr. Burns: Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada - Chicago!

Colby: Okay Homer, I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.

Homer: What! I'll show him. I'll show that guy!

Marge: What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!

Homer: I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm..., what's the ocean doing in the sky?

The Homer of Seville[edit]

Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.

Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.

Homer: Those are words.

(In the dressing room, after Homer's first opera performance)

Bart: Dad, you were great!

Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!

Homer: (worried) Well, I didn't mean to.

Lisa: No, no, it's a good thing.

Homer: Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.

Lisa: The dance isn't 'til next week.

Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.

Homer: Well, you're always telling me that I should eat more dirt.

Dr. Hibbert: Not dirt, vegetables!

Homer: ...Which grow in what?

Homer: D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Stu-stu-stu-stupid Flanders.

Ned Flanders: Why the crescendo, my old friendo.

Homer: Get lost, you waste of mustache!

Ned Flanders: Okey dokley.

[He sings at crying when Mimi pulled off the bed, dead]

Homer: Mimi!

[cries again]

Homer: Mimi!

[cries again and it ends]

Midnight Towboy[edit]

Homer: When you married a man who would years later, without warning, become a tow-truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.

Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.

Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.

Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We'll help you surf.

(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away)

Bart: Click that one, Mom.

Lisa: No, go up.

Bart: Keep going-up, up, up!

Lisa: The blue ones are ads.

Bart: That's the toolbar.

Lisa: No you've opened Word; close it!

Bart: Close it. Do-don't save it!

Lisa: Stop clicking.

Bart: Don't go there!

Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!

Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it!

Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!

Marge: (Upset) If you're so smart, you do it!

(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website)

Marge: (Groans)

Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?

Louie: I don't call in sick, I work when I wanna.

Homer: Sometimes you want to work?

(Homer decides to become a tow truck driver)

Louie: Now just remember two rules. One, stick to Springfield. If I ever catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, then shove 'em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.

(Homer tries to jot everything down)

Homer: (Mumbling) "...which I previously alluded." Are there two "L's" in "alluded"?

Homer: (Chuckles) I guess I'm more powerful than God now.

Ned: You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."

Homer: Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power!

Marge: Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.

Bart: Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings[edit]

Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!

Homer: American sober or Irish sober?

Marge: .08 sober!

Homer: .15.

Marge: .09!

Homer: .10 with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.

Marge: (groans) Deal.

(Dwight's partner is knocked out through one of the bank's windows.)

Lou: Uh, Chief, looks like we got a 64-G in progress.

Chief Wiggum: (Chews his doughnut once slowly.)

Lou: Armed robbery with a gun.

Chief Wiggum: (Stares cluelessly.)

Lou: (Sighs.) (Draws stick figures of a bank robbery.) Come on, Chief, you know this.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shooty-stealy.

(Eddie and Lou look at each other, then roll their eyes in disbelief.)

Treehouse of Horror XVIII[edit]

(Marge opens oven.)

Homer: Crème brûlée! Crème brûlée! Or, in English: Burnt cream! Burnt cream!

Marge: Homie, I made you my killer lasagna.

Homer's Brain: It's poisoned! Whatever you do, don't eat it!

(The camera pans down revealing Homer is eating it.)

Homer's Brain: Okay, you're already eating it. Just don't finish it!

(Homer finishes the lasagna.)

Homer's Brain: Okay you finished it. But don't ask for-

Homer: Seconds, please!

Homer's Brain: You moron! Just kill her!

Homer: (to brain) I'll kill her after dessert!

Marge: All those nights I thought you were out getting drunk, you were out killing people?!

Homer: I was out getting drunk, then killing people!

(Homer prepares to assassinate Kent Brockman using a sniper rifle.)

Homer: Now all I have to do is think of a clever line before I pull the trigger. (Thinks.) Oh, that's a perfect one. But I don't need to say it out loud 'cause I'm by myself.

Little Orphan Millie[edit]

Lisa: Spider Burps!

(Milhouse's parents are lost at sea.)

Homer: Here Millhouse, why don't you cheer up with a glass of Ocean Spray. (catches himself) Oh boy forget that. How about some Cap'n Crunch? (catches himself) Seven Seas Italian Dressing? Oh no no no. Uhh... Chicken of the Sea tuna? Ahh. Billy Ocean CD? The History of Atlantic Records?

Marge: Stop naming things!

Homer: I want to but I can't.

Marge: Then go to Moe's.

Homer: Good idea. I'll drown my sorrows in Anchor Steam Beer. (Looks at Milhouse) Oh ho ho I'm sorry. (Covers his mouth and leaves)

Homer: Bart, stop talking to yourself. That'll show him. Now, how am I going to find out what color Marge's eyes are?

[Homer is searching for his wedding album]

Homer: Where is it? I gotta find out what color Marge's eyes are. Ah! Cha-ching!

[He goes to open the album only to find it has a combination lock, and is shut tight]

Homer: Ohh! Oh, Marge darling... What's the combination to our wedding album?

Marge: Our anniversary.

Homer: [Pauses] D'oh!

Husbands and Knives[edit]

Milo: These books are meant to be read and enjoyed, not hoarded and then sold when you get divorced.

Homer: We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family.

Marge: We have a family.

Homer: A better one!

Funeral for a Fiend[edit]

Marge: That's funny. There's nobody here.

Homer: More ribs for me!

Bart: There are no tables or chairs.

Homer: More ribs for me!

Lisa: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.

Homer: (uneasy) More ribs for me?

Suddenly, without warning, the doors and windows are locked up tight behind them.

Wes Doobner: Hello, Simpsons! (laughs evilly)

Homer: Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!

Wes Doobner: (Sideshow Bob's actual voice) Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.

Lisa: That voice...(groans) I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!

Wes Doobner: Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return! [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]

Simpsons: AH! Sideshow Bob!

(The Simpsons are tied up. A laptop with a low battery is sitting atop boxes of TNT.)

Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! (He turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally.) This time, I've made no mistakes. (leaves)

Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."

Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". (Leaves and shuts the door.)

Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.

Sideshow Bob: (re-entering) I shall! (He takes the laptop.) Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! (The laptop explodes.) Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".

Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard".

Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.

Homer: Yet another restaurant failed.

Bart: Bob's playing you for saps! He's a killer!

Sideshow Bob: Oh, how he accuses me, at my very own trial! I can take no more! I...I...I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice! (take out Nitroglycerin)

Chief Wiggim: Nitroglycerin?! Everybody panic! (people in the courtroom scream and scurry in terror)

Bart: Yoink! (he snatches the nitroglycerin out of Bob's hands) Foiled again, freak! (then he tosses it out the window)

Sideshow Bob: You don't understand! I...I...(groans as he begins to collapse onto the courtroom floor).

Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.

Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.

Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!

Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!

Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic-

Sideshow Bob: Shut up!

(At Sideshow Bob's trial.)

Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.

(The entire courtroom gasps in shock.)

Prosecutor: (to Homer and Marge) Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.

Sideshow Bob: But-

Prosecutor: Damn!

Cecil: And it was my portrayal as the grieving brother that sealed the deal!

Sideshow Bob: [coldly] Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes!

Cecil: [annoyed] Will you please stop comparing me to Laertes!?

Sideshow Bob: If the doublet fits...

Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind[edit]

(Flashback sequence of Chief Wiggum coming into the house.)

Chief Wiggum: (to Homer) What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?

Marge: Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, really? Then how did you get that? (Points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:) What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?

Homer: (off-screen) No, I swear!

Marge: It was my fault, I... I walked into a door.

Chief Wiggum: Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... (Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out.) All right, door. You're comin' downtown. (Cuffs himself to the door.)

(Homer is traveling through his mind with memory Bart and memory Lisa.)

Homer: I don't know if I should be showing this to you kids.

Memory Lisa: Relax, we're not really your kids. We're representations of them created in your mind.

Homer: Really? If I created all this, then that means I can have pizza whenever I want.

(Homer uses his mind to make a phone appear.)

Homer: (Picks up the phone.) Hello, I'd like an extra large pepperoni and mushrooms. (annoyed) 35 Minutes? (Homer angrily hangs up the phone.)

Homer: Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?

Grampa: You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.

(Shows photo of horse using an adding machine.)

E. Pluribus Wiggum[edit]

(On the phone)

Marge: I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.

Homer: Marge, that was a joke.

Marge: But it comes from a true place...

(After Homer suggests the town build a new fast-food district.)

Dr. Hibbert: To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.

Lisa: But won't that shift a burden to your children?

Bart: No, you idiot. We just pay with another bond issue. (points to Maggie) Let her figure out someone to dump it on.

(Maggie looks over to the side and sees that there's nobody sitting next to her. She crosses her arms in annoyance.)

Lisa: Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!

Homer: Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be 35!

Bart: The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Homer: (mockingly) Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? (High-fives Bart.)

(An alarming amount of presidential hopefuls descend on the Simpson house when they see that the Simpsons haven't decided whom to vote for yet.)

Homer: If you haven't sprung from or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house!

(All the candidates leave, except for someone hiding behind a plant.)

Homer: You too, Fred Thompson!

Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.

Homer: (scoffs) Die Hard Two!

That 90's Show[edit]

(The family is freezing by the fireplace.)

Marge: We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!

Homer: I thought global warming would take care of it! Al Gore can't do anything right!

Lisa: Mom, I didn't know you went to college.

Bart: Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.

Marge: Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.

Homer: Like which kid's their favorite. (whispering) It's Lisa.

Homer: Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.

Bart: The 90s? Never heard of it.

Homer: You know, these Ikea foam futons do velcro together...

Marge: I'm sorry, I don't want to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.

Homer: I understand. We should follow the lead of today's celebrity rolemodels. (points out of the window at a sign saying "Sonic the Hedgehog says: Wait until marriage")

Homer: You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?

Marge: I did tell you.

Homer: I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.

Comic Book Guy: And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed!

Marge: Did you know that every U.S. President has been a straight white man?

Homer: Even Walt Disney?

(The show comes back from a commercial break)

Bart: Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?

Lisa: It seemed like twenty.

Homer: [sharing his and Marge's items into separate boxes] Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs, I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer, I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock, and...

Homer: [sighs] Seeing Marge always reminds me of Marge.

Homer: (narrating) I had finally realized every rock star's dream: Hating being famous.

Homer: He who is tired of Weird Al, is tired of life.

(Homer and Marge are wondering about what is going to happen after the 90s)

Homer: At least we know there'll never be a President worse than Bill Clinton. Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That's the worst sin a President can commit!

Marge: There will never be a worse President. Never.

Homer: Never.

Love, Springfieldian Style[edit]

Dogcatcher Willie: You strays are going straight to the pound where you'll be put to sleep... by my boring stories. And then you'll be killed!

Goofy: (after stepping out of the gas chamber at the dog pound) Gosh, this place is no picnic, but it sure beats working for Disney!

Homer: Happy Valentine's Day, and shut your gob!

The Debarted[edit]

Bart: Who's the new meat in my seat?

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, this is Donny. He's here at our school because he was kicked out of P.S. 132.

Donny: P.S., that school sucked.

[The children laugh.]

Mrs. Krabappel: Don't worry, Bart. Willie's bringing you something to sit on.

[Groundskeeper Willie brings in an old wooden desk with a toilet for a seat. Bart sits.]

Donny: Hey, Krabappel! Your name sounds like "crabapple". Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you?

Mrs. Krabappel: [sighs] Pretty much.

Principal Skinner: When I catch the culprit, and I will, I'm gonna throw this away. [Holds up a book titled Public School Punishment Guidelines] And use this instead! [Holds up a book titled Catholic School Punishment Guidelines with a picture of a kid getting hung on a cross. The children gasp.]

Lisa: I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada, could be so amazing.

(A rat skitters across a railing, in an homage to the final shot of The Departed. Ralph appears from within a garbage can)

Ralph: The rat symbolizes obviousness!

Dial 'N' for Nerder[edit]

Homer: Oh boy, dinner time! The perfect break between work and drunk.

Kent Brockman: So Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?

Chief Wiggum: Hmm? Oh, dead. Definitely dead.

Lou: Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to, uh, notify the family first?

Chief Wiggum: What do you think I'm doing right now? (Smiles at the camera.)

(Marge is suspicious of Homer, who is wearing a fedora hat and a trench coat.)

Marge: Homer, where are you going?

Homer: Work.

Marge: It's 4 o'clock on a Saturday.

Homer: I, uh, have to... count the atoms at the nuclear plant. Conservation of mass! It's the law!

Lisa: Bart, Martin could be seriously hurt or worse! We have to do something!

Bart: You're right. Let's watch TV.

Smoke on the Daughter[edit]

Bart: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Apu: You have made a very powerless enemy.

Homer: Stop saying things, Bart. That's the TV's job.

Chazz Busby: I haven't seen crap like this since my Broadway show Crap Like This. Ran for five years.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out, I'm gonna let you in on a deep, dark family secret.

Bart: You have a drinking problem?

Homer: I said secret.

Homer: I can't believe you were smoking! Do you know that sturgeon general says you're not supposed to?

Lisa: A sturgeon is a fish.

Homer: And a very wise fish he is.

Papa Don't Leech[edit]

Homer: Bart, get me my suicide axe.

Marge: No suicide axe!

Homer: (loud whisper to Bart) Later.

Marge: I'm really worried about Lurleen.

Homer: Yeah, me too. Since her father re-abandoned her, she cut the word "pop" out of all our foods.

(Shows boxes that read _ Tarts, Jiffy _ _ corn, _eye's Chicken, _pycock.)

(Bart pours a box of Rice Krispies, The cereal falls out of a cutout where Pop should be.)

Bart: You'd think living in a house of crazy people would be fun. It's actually really depressing.

Radio DJ: Here's a song that's rising faster than a rocket with a rocket up its butt!

Marge: [to Lurleen] If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. That's right, I know.

Apocalypse Cow[edit]

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?

Homer: That's right.

Bart: But Wikipedia said he was "passionate about rehearsal".

Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. We'll change a lot of things.

Bart: Sorry Lis, I can't be a vegetarian, I love the taste of death!

Bart: You're in a better place now, Lou. And I'll always be proud that, for once in my life, I had a cow man.

Cletus: We always figured someday Mary would marry. That's why we called her "Mary." We name all our kids after what we thinks gonna happen to 'em. Ain't that right, Stabbed In Jail?

Stabbed In Jail: [whittling a stick] We'll see who stabs who.

Homer: Let this be a lesson to you, never form emotional attachments... also don't be a cow.

Any Given Sundance[edit]

[Marge is trying to find a good movie at Sundance.]

Marge: Ooh! Regularsville! This might be the one for me!

[Marge goes inside the theater and sees, on screen, a man in a bra putting on makeup.]

Marge: [Shudders and immediately closes the door.] Okay. Ooh! Candyland! A great family game is now a great family movie!

[Marge goes inside and sees on the screen, two hippies about to drug themselves with heroin]

Marge: [Shudders and closes the door again.] I get it! Every title means the opposite of what it means! Then I guess I'll love...Chernobyl Graveyard!

[Marge goes in and immediately comes out.]

Marge: I didn't.

Principal Skinner: Well, if we can't get into Sundance, would you like to check out its alternative cousin, Slamdance?

Superintendent Chalmers: I'd rather die.

Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.

Mona Leaves-a[edit]

Homer: [Talking to his mother] You keep disappearing and reappearing and it's not funny. You're just like that show, Scrubs.

Mona: For Marge, I leave this handbag, made of nature's finest material, hemp.

Marge: [Sniffs the bag] Smells like concerts!

Homer: I don't even want your pie!

Mona: But you already ate the whole thing.

Homer: Well, I'm not going to digest it!

All About Lisa[edit]

Award Show Presentator: We now come to our final award: Entertainer of the Year. An award so prestigious that it recently won the 'Award of the Year' Award at the 2007 Awardie Awards.

Sideshow Mel: [Narrating] Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show! And it is a business, as you shall find out in about three seconds. Two... One...

[The show cuts to commercial.]

[At an auction for a "Kissing Lincolns Penny"]

Homer: Five dollars!

Mr. Burns: Five hundred.

Homer: Five dollars, cash.

Host: Sir, the promise of cash is not an endorsement. The current bid is $500. Going once, going twice-

Bart: Dad!

Homer: Five hundred-one!

Mr. Burns: Ten million.

Homer: Objection, Your Honor!

Sideshow Mel: Applause is an addiction, like heroin or checking your e-mail.

The Simpsons season 20.

Contents [hide]

1 Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes

2 Lost Verizon

3 Double, Double, Boy in Trouble

4 Treehouse of Horror XIX

5 Dangerous Curves

6 Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words

7 Mypods and Boomsticks

8 The Burns and the Bees

9 Lisa the Drama Queen

10 Take My Life, Please

11 How the Test Was Won

12 No Loan Again, Naturally

13 Gone Maggie Gone

14 In the Name of the Grandfather

15 Wedding for Disaster

16 Eeny Teeny Maya Moe

17 The Good, the Sad and the Drugly

18 Father Knows Worst

19 Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh

20 Four Great Women and a Manicure

21 Coming to Homerica

Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes[edit]

Bart: [watching the St. Patrick's Day celebrations] Urgh, where's the IRA when you need them?

Ex-IRA Member: We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb. [A double decker bus bearing a Union Jack drives past] Oh, in the old days, we'd have been all over that.

Marge: This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

Judge Roy Snyder: Bail is set at $25,000.

Homer: [scoffs] I make that in a year.

Homer: So how about a little stakeout music.

Ned: Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.

Homer: Well I like :AC/DC.

Ned: I like their Christian cover band :'AD/BC. (Starts Singing):Kindly deeds done for free.

Homer: And you have to promise me no "diddlies" or "doodlies."

Ned: Friend, you got yourself a deal-a-rooney!

Homer: D'oh!

Lost Verizon[edit]

Lisa: [seeing what her parents are up to] Tracking software? [gasps] You're spying on Bart!

Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.

Moe: [Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement] That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. [Laughs] Soon, you'll be mine.

FBI Agent #1: [observing Moe via spy camera] Keep talking, creepo.

FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.

Marge: Bart, how did you get a cellphone?

Bart: The same way you got me, by accident on a golf course.

Constipated Gorilla/Denis Leary: "No longer must we live in shame, let the decree go forth, EVERYBODY POOPS!"

[Bart prank calls a Hawaiian bar]

Hawaiian Bartender: Aloha.

Bart: Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya. Last name Normousbutt.

Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on. I'll check. Uh, has anyone seen Maya Normousbutt?

[Bar patrons laugh, while the bartender glares at the phone in rage.]

[The scene switches from Hawaii to Australia as Bart calls Crocodile Drunkee's.]

Australian Bartender: I've got a Drew P. Wiener(droopy wiener) here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener. I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener.

Australian Patron: Better put it down then mate.

[He and the other patrons laugh, as the bartender is enraged.]

[Scene switches from Australia to Sweden. The bar's name is Inga Bar Beermans.]

Swedish Bartender: Ja! I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Olaf. Attention everyone, all of my friends are gay.

[Bar patrons laugh, slowly]

Swedish Bartender: Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I shall thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavors.

Double, Double, Boy in Trouble[edit]

(Bart is at a low end of a see-saw while Mr Burns is at the high end and won't fall)

Bart: Why won't you come down?

Mr. Burns: I told you. I only weigh as much as my clothes and keys.

Homer: (while falling) Aw, come on gravity...You used to be cool.

Homer: You just cost me $200,000!

Bart: I thought it was 50.

Homer: I was gonna bet it on the dogs!

Homer: [holding toy newspaper] For your information, The Daily Growl is the only newspaper that's not afraid to say how great this country is.

[Bart marvels at the things in Simon's bedroom]

Bart: Wow, cool poster of Joe Montana.

Joe Montana: [steps out of the wall] It's not a poster.

[Bart screams]

Joe Montana: I'm the real deal. Every day I stand here the family donates a million dollars to Notre Dame. Did you know the words "Notre Dame" are French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? That's the kind of thing I think about in here.

Bart: Back in the poster, gabby.

Joe Montana: Yes, sir.

Treehouse of Horror XIX[edit]

[The kitchen is filled with appliances transforming]

Homer: Hey is there something different about the kitchen?

Transformers: No no no. [Homer looks at the toaster which transforms into the word "No"]

Homer: Well the toaster's never lied to me before.

Destructicus: That does not compute.

Marge: (sternly) Really?

Destructicus: Well, it computes a little.

[Homer is being sucked into the possessed voting machine during the opener]

Homer: This doesn't happen in America! Maybe in Ohio-but not America!

Dangerous Curves[edit]

(When a hitchhiker couple make out in the back of his car)

Homer: Knock it off! How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings! Bart, don't you dare take your eyes off that game boy!

Bart: Yes, sir. (Plays a video game about killing popular cereal mascots) I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!

Homer: Video games: The reason this generation of Americans is the best ever.

Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words[edit]

Chalmers: SIMPSON, what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?

Lisa: (a bit worried) I made them into a crossword.

Chalmers: Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKINNER!

Skinner: (Appears in the school window.) You called?

Chalmers: Made a reference.

Skinner: My mistake. (Disappears back in the window.)

Chalmers: You're welcome, now, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his SKIMMER!

Skinner: (Appears in the school window.) You called?

Chalmers: You misheard.

Skinner: My mistake. (Disappears back in the window.)

Homer: I'd like to bet everything against my daughter.

(Everyone in the bar turns and gasps.)

Bookie: I'll take your money...but I won't look you in the eye.

Homer: Fine! I won't look you in the eye!

(Short period of them poking each other with the money and a bag for taking the money.)

Homer: Got it?

Bookie: (muffled with money in his mouth) I got it.

Bookie: Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.

Homer: Y'know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.

Nelson: Mr. S. Lisa B.

Mypods and Boomsticks[edit]

Steve Mobbs: Greetings! It is I, your insanely great leader Steve Mobbs. I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep beneath the sea with an announcement that will change the way you look at everything. And that announcement is...

Bart: [speaking through a microphone over Mobbs' visual]...you're all losers!

(the crowd moans in disappointment)

Bart: You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it. Well guess what, they cost eight bucks to make and I pee on every one!

(the crowd gasps in horror)

Bart: I have made a fortune off you chumps. And I've invested it all in Microsoft. Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money!

Homer: Praise to Oliver!

Mina: That's Allah.

Homer: We'll look it up in the Corona.

Bashir: [holding up Bart's sling shot] Bart forgot this, sir.

Homer: "Sir?" That's the kind of respect I'd have to strangle out of an American kid!

Lisa: 1200 Dollars?! But I only downloaded... 1212 songs.

The Burns and the Bees[edit]

Seymore Skinner: Hmmm, Men, the room for me.

Jimbo: Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.

Bart: Why would I want to?

Jimbo: Because I said "I dare you." Kearney, can you read it back?

Kearney: (Reading) "Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.

Bart: Why would I want to?

Jimbo: Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?

Kearney: (Reading) Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to-"

Jimbo: The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.

Bart: My nards accept.

Mr. Burns: Who is that man and why isn't his enthusiasm being punished?

Smithers: That's Mark Cuban sir. He's the most flamboyant owner in the league.

Mark Cuban: (Slides down a zip line from a hook while holding a fire cracker.) (enthusiastically) I'M OUT OF MY MIND!

Lisa: Dad, all the bees are dying.

Homer: Oohh no more bees! Now who'll sting me and walk over my sandwiches?

Lisa: But without bees there would be no flowers.

Homer: (scoffs) Flowers: The painted whores of the plant world.

Mr Burns: (Walks into a tree, and falls over. Then points at the tree.) Kill his acorns and make him watch.

Bumblebee Man: Stop, I'm one of you!

Bee: (buzzing) We hate you the most, uncle Tom!

Lisa the Drama Queen[edit]

Lisa: Hey Mom, can Juliet sleepover?

Marge: Are your parents okay with that? They've never met us.

Bart: We could be murderers.

Homer: Could have been, if we hadn't had kids.

Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!

Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. (Leaves the room.)

(Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge.)

Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (Both go back inside.)

Bart: (Comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black.) Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

Marge: Are you saying Lisa is not at the Model U.N.?

Martin: (Dressed as a Belgian delegate.) To the extent you can trust the word of a Belgian...yes!

Take My Life, Please[edit]

Homer: I'm going to find Dondelinger and tell him I know what he did last summer...22 years ago...in the winter!

Mr. Burns: Sector 7G? No, let the Lennys and Carls of this world waste their wretched lives in that testicle-shriveling torture chamber.

Dondelinger: The brown-haired girl gave me a look, The redhead in the park was reading a book, The girl at the airport upgraded my car, Tonight I wonder, just where you are...

How the Test Was Won[edit]

Principal Skinner: At the end of the month we're be participating in the Vice President's Assessment Test.

Nelson: He stinks!

Principal Skinner: We're assessing you, not him.

Nelson: Withdrawn.

Chalmers: Lisa, like Captain Kirk I'm not supposed to interfere but like T.J. Hooker I say what is on my mind. If you don't know the answer, just guess.

Lisa: This test penalizes guessing.

Chalmers: It does? Alright NOBODY GUESS! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him, no, DEMAND he tell you the answer and if he won't, he is no God of yours!

No Loan Again, Naturally[edit]

Lisa: This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.

Bart: She is. Look.

(Homer is crying as he is about to hang himself on a tree.)

Homer: Goodbye.

(He hangs himself, only for the tree to crash on his car.)

Homer: (getting up) w:D'oh!

Homer: He's nailing something to the door!

Lisa: Maybe it's theses.

Homer: Ewww, that's gross.

Gone Maggie Gone[edit]

Homer: Now Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.

Homer: C'mon lady, have a heart! I'm sure your husband does stupid things sometimes too.

Mother Superior: (indignantly) I'm married to Jesus!

Homer: Pssh, yeah right. And I'm married to Wonder Woman!

Homer: Don't eat so fast! (talking to his hand that's pretending to be Maggie)

Homer's Hand: No! Me so hungry!

Mother Superior: (to Lisa) You must wear your gown with modesty, not like Sister Marilyn.

Sister Marilyn: (In a nun's gown, standing over a wind thing, mimicking the famous photograph.) Oooh!

Mother Superior: Are you a bit of a Doubting Thomas?

Lisa: More of a Curious George.

Mother Superior: Well, little monkey, you should spend some time with the man in the yellow hat.

(Cut to Lisa in front of a picture of Jesus with a halo that looks like a hat.)

Bart: Step a side ladies, I'm bringing the peace.

In the Name of the Grandfather[edit]

Garda (Irish Cop) 1: So, it's a Smokeasy you're running, then?

(Homer and Grampa try to run)

Garda (Irish Cop) 2: So, it's escaping you're thinking of, then?

Homer: I can't tell if those are questions or statements.

Garda (Irish Cop) 1: So, it's our syntax you're criticizing, then?

Wedding for Disaster[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler.

(Trying on a tuxedo.)

Bart: This one's a little gay, isn't it?

Store Worker: Well the last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.

Homer: Ew. How'd you check?

Bart: So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?

Lisa: You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Marge: It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.

Lisa: [to Homer and Marge] I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!

Bart: Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!

Homer: Why you little bastard! [Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]

Lisa: That's the angry one!

Bart: [chokingly] Uh-huh!

Moe: I'm selling all sorts of faith based knick knacks. [points to bumper stickers]

Channel 6 newsman: Let's take a look.

Moe: [reading bumper stickers] I'd commit arson for the Parson. Clergyman can kiss my apse. And all kinds of gems. Surprisingly none of them have sold.

except for this one. [holds up button that reads "Welcome Parson"]

Eeny Teeny Maya Moe[edit]

[At Moe's.]

Homer: (to Maggie) Now you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.

Carl: How did your date go, Moe?

Moe: Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

Moe: You gotta make me shorter doc.

Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) What do you mean?

Moe:I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.

Dr. Hibbert: What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would preform that operation.

[Cuts to Dr. Nick.]

Dr. Nick: Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.

Moe: No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.

Dr. Nick: Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.

[Panels to Largo.]

Largo: (screams) I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

Moe: Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

The Good, the Sad and the Drugly[edit]

Principal Skinner: [to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.

Willie: [with letter "Y" in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]

Marge: Oh, Bart. I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of-A girl!

Jenny: Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?

Bart: Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.

Lisa: If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!

(Maggie holds up a fan, which Lisa tries to kiss. Marge comes into the room and gasps loudly, and unplugs the fan)

Father Knows Worst[edit]

[Throwing an old water heater onto a pile of water heaters in the attic.]

Marge: Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater!

[Camera pans down showing the floor sagging over Maggie's crib due to the weight of five old water heaters.]

Lisa: I've never been called "fierce" before. "Strident." "Hectoring" has been tossed around.

Homer: I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everybody everybody, hope you don't mind.

[In a dream, Homer meets the ghost of Oscar Wilde]

Oscar Wilde: Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Homer: But that makes no sense.

Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.

Homer: Shut up!

Oscar Wilde: These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Homer: Whatever happened to "Boo"?!

Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh[edit]

Alaska Nebraska: I am so sick of fans in my food.

Bart: Get a room!

Homer: Come on boy, be cool.

Bart: But-

Homer: Be cool or you're grounded!

Four Great Women and a Manicure[edit]

King Julio: (about Lenny) Guards take him away and put things inside of him!

Guard: Nice things?

Julio: No, not nice things!

Moe: [upon seeing Selma naked] Whoa, someone call Beowulf! Grendel got in again!

Selma: I don't need a man, for I have England!

Moe: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Reverend Lovejoy: Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered.

King Julio: Normally I love to see flaming dream boats heading my way but not like this baby! Not like this!

Homer: (After a dying Sideshow Mel praises William Shakespeare.) Well, if you see him in Heaven...tell him he sucks!

[The spirit of Marge is impressed that he gave out a terrific performance and implores him to audition for more Shakespearean plays by tossing script in front of him. Horrified, Homer chooses the easy way out and commits suicide by shooting himself.]

Homer: [Joins Marge as a ghost] Me reading all those plays would be the real tragedy.

[Homer is content with being lazy while Marge is frustrated and learns her lesson the hard way.]

Coming to Homerica[edit]

[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is sleeping on the couch; his stomach is rumbling.]

Homer: What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? (his stomach continues rumbling) Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? (his stomach continues rumbling) Uh-oh. (gets up and runs off) Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! (runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it)

Marge: Taken!

[Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]

Bart: Occupied!

[Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]

Lisa: Hurling!

[Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]

Homer: Uh-oh!

Milhouse: Minnesota Vikings apparel? This is Tennessee Titans country!

Marge: Homie, I don't think we should build a fence. Haven't we always taught the children to make friends with those who are a little different?

Lisa: Yes!

Bart: Yeah!

Maggie: Ja! [Marge gasps.]

Maggie: Ja! Ja!

Homer: [in a tense voice] Now do you see Marge? [grasping Maggie] Now do you see why we must build that fence?

Marge: BUILD IT, HOMIE! MAKE IT AS TALL AS THE SKY AND DEEPER THAN HELL!

Maggie: Ja! Ja!

The Simpsons season 21.

Contents [hide]

1 Homer the Whopper

2 Bart Gets a 'Z'

3 The Great Wife Hope

4 Treehouse of Horror XX

5 The Devil Wears Nada

6 Pranks and Greens

7 Rednecks and Broomsticks

8 O Brother, Where Bart Thou?

9 Thursdays with Abie

10 Once Upon a Time in Springfield

11 Million Dollar Maybe

12 Boy Meets Curl

13 The Color Yellow

14 Postcards from the Wedge

15 Stealing First Base

16 The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed

17 American History X-cellent

18 Chief of Hearts

19 The Squirt and the Whale

20 To Surveil With Love

21 Moe Letter Blues

22 The Bob Next Door

23 Judge Me Tender

Homer the Whopper[edit]

Marth: All right what's our next big summer franchise. Come on.

OWW Films Executive #1: You want an original idea?

Marth: Yes. Let your imaginations run free. Something that's never been a movie before, but feels like it has.

OWW Films Executive #2: Extension Cords!

OWW Films Executive #3: Mixed Nuts!

OWW Films Executive #4: Car WASH

Marth: Nah. We've already made that could possibly be a movie, into a great movie. There's nothing left.

[Marth's son, Jono, enters through the door to Marth's left.]

Jono: Dad, can we go? I've watched all the DVDs in the Bentley.

Marth: Jono, what's that in your hand?

Jono: Oh. Big surprise that you don't know what this is. It's only Everyman. The coolest comic book ever.

[Marth takes the comic book and reads through a few pages.]

Marth: What are his powers?

Jono: All of them.

Marth: That's it! Our next big summer movie will be Everyman!

OWW Films Executive #4: Uh, Marth? Ginormous Pictures bought the rights to Everyman three weeks ago.

[Marth throws the comic onto the table in frustration.]

Marth: Damnit!

Comic Book Guy: You are acceptable.

Homer: Great, do you wanna see me naked?

GP Executive #1: Oh there's no nudity in this movie.

Homer: What movie?

Bart Gets a 'Z'[edit]

The Great Wife Hope[edit]

Lisa: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can't you control your woman?

Homer: How can I control her? I have nothing to withhold.

Marge: Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.

[Watching Marge's fight on TV]

Moe: Come on, come on, get back on your feet, I believe in you!

Barney: (climbing the bar from the tavern floor) I'm doing it Moe!

Moe: Not you.

Barney: Oh thank god! – the pressure's off. (falls back down)

Homer: Out of all the stupidest things I've ever done, this is the stupidest. And you're doing it!

Homer: She found my one weakness... that I'm weak!

Homer: Carl, do you know heavyweight champion, Drederick Tatum?

Carl: What, you think just because I'm black I know all other black people?!

Homer: uh...um, well, uh.

Carl: Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.

Treehouse of Horror XX[edit]

We now see Kent Brockman outside Burger Squared

Kent Brockman: I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?

Krusty: I'm glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!

Homer: The math checks out!

Lisa: Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!

Marge: Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.

Kent Brockman: And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature. Mmm. Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of... [changes into a Muncher and takes a bite out of Krusty's elbow]

Krusty: Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [Krusty also becomes a Muncher. Kent kills a camera technician and then kills the camera man]

Twenty-eight days later, Springfield's inhabitants have all succumbed to the cow virus and are eating or infecting everyone else who is not a Muncher

Moe: A little tip... you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Barney: All right!

Carl: Yeah, you better!

Lenny: Thank you.

Marge: (Gasps) Bart ate a tainted burger!

Homer: I'll bash him with this book!

Lisa: Dad, No! That's the last book in the world!

Homer: Really?

Lisa: Yes! It's... Oh, Go ahead.

Homer: To the panic room!

Marge: We don't have a panic room.

Homer: To the panic room store!

Rainer Wolfcastle: Come with me if you want to live! [is devoured by a mob of zombies]

Homer: Another politician who can't keep his promises.

Marge: What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior!? [Camera pans to Reverend Lovejoy nervously fidgeting with his Clerical collar.]

Kodos: This is the best musical in light years.

Kang: Light years measure distance, not time.

Kodos: You know what I meant.

[Singing]

Moe: I just have to warn you, Marge.

My taste for romance is kinda perverse.

I can only make love in the back of a hearse

and I have to be dressed as a Civil War nurse.

And then when I'm finished, I'll go through your purse!

But you could do worse.

Marge: I could do worse.

Barney, Carl, and Lenny: We're proof that you could do worse.

Homer: She couldn't possibly do worse!

The Devil Wears Nada[edit]

Homer: Ye-bonjour!

Carl: Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?

Homer: Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.

Carl: What? Get back to the Eternal City of Lights at once or you're fired!

Homer: Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.

Carl: You wouldn't dare!

Homer: Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen! (dials other cell phone)

President Nicholas Sarkozy: (on phone) Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.

Carl: All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.

Homer: I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.

Homer: [about Marge and Ned having an affair] My wife and my worst friend. Could it be?

Marge: The most intimate evening we spent this week was when I was ironing your shirts.

Homer: Actually, those were Carl's shirts.

Ned: I'm not thinking straight, why did I have that wine cooler last month?

Rod: We thought you were gonna die.

Tod: And then Uncle Kevin would have to raise us.

Rod: And his funny friend, David.

Ned: Oh I'd put rocks in your pocket and walk you out to sea for before I'd let that happen.

Rod and Tod: Yay!

Marge: You two are going out? I thought I told you the Flanders were coming over for dinner.

Lisa: I'm having a tea party at Janey's.

Bart: And I'm having a stink bomb party at the house next to Janey's... no connection.

Bart: Stop dragging me! When I get older I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes.

Marge: Oh, that's wonderful!

Lenny: I'm gonna miss Ted, he was a good supervisor.

Carl: Definitely hands off. He didn't mind if we punched in late, or not at all.

Homer: And he didn't mind that we made a few changes to the soda machine... mmm... beer.

Pranks and Greens[edit]

Homer: Marge, what are you doing?

Marge: This junk food has got to go. It's full of chemicals, trans fats, and hard pore corn.

Rednecks and Broomsticks[edit]

Homer: Oh, for cryin' out! I hate traffic, the band, and the phenomena!

[On the kid's 'Bonk It' toy]

Homer: Hey kids, it's daddy's turn. Stomp it! Crush it! Kill it!

Homer: Ohhh, why do my actions have consequences?

Brandy: Drink up,sweetie. Let the possum work its magic.

Lisa: Possum?!

Brandy: Oh, don't worry. We don't kill it. We just dip it.

Moe: Oh, it's no good, you're just a load of spineless weasels!

(the townspeople turn round and come to a halt)

Comic Book Guy: Kill the weasel hater!

(everyone runs after Moe)

Moe: (laughing as he runs) See, that's what I'm talking about!

Cletus: Brandy?! Where's the bazook?![Looks at his son, holding the bazooka.] Aw, he's gonna shoot them Google Earth folks that caught me with my britches down.

Cletus: Oh for God's-! You know, one hillbilly has his way with one fat guy in Deliverance, and suddenly people think that's all hillbillies do!

O Brother, Where Bart Thou?[edit]

[Homer is extolling the virtues of girls over boys.]

Homer: Girls are easy! Girls love daddy, girls give birthday cards with glitter and sprinkles, and I don't have to tell them how their bodies work 'cause I don't know!

Bart: You never told me how my body works.

Homer: Point and shoot.

Bart: Are you sure this will work?

Milhouse: Hey, this is the DVD my parents used to make me.

Bart: So it kind of works.

Thursdays with Abie[edit]

Marshall: So many hat boxes!

Once Upon a Time in Springfield[edit]

Milhouse: First girls ruin Sex in the City, and now this!

Mr. Burns: We have to cut costs.

Lenny: But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than doughnuts.

Carl: Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.

Lenny: And all the joke ID badges we ordered.

Mr. Burns: No doughnuts!

Lenny: No!

Homer: D'oh!

Carl: Nuts!

Mr. Burns: Exactly!

Million Dollar Maybe[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: And now Valerie and Dave will deliver their own vows, because my vows, apparently, weren't good enough. Show me how it's done, Dave.

Boy Meets Curl[edit]

Carl: Homer, you don't look fat.

Homer: Oh, Carl. You're a liar, but I love it.

Marge: I'm not a dude, I'm a hottie.

Homer: This bromance just got interesting.

Lisa: What is this, tough love?

Bart: It's a little more like "soft hate".

Homer: Ooh, you're hot when you're horny.

Marge: I'm not horny. I'm mad.

Homer: Ooh, you're mad when you're angry.

The Color Yellow[edit]

Eliza: Follow me north to freedom.

Virgil: I don't think so.

Eliza: Why? Because I'm young and I'm a woman?

Virgil: No. Because you're pointing south.

Postcards from the Wedge[edit]

Lisa: You are now officially a sociopath.

Bart: Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Stealing First Base[edit]

Marge: Why didn't you just tell him to club her on her head and drag her into a cave?

Grampa Simpson: You mean second base? He's a little young for that.

Ralph: I cheated the wrong way! I wrote the Lisa name and gave the Ralph answers!

The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed[edit]

Lisa: [about Flanders] I think he's trying to get Dad into heaven.

Bart: Great, more hell for me!

Krusty: I am trying to save myself from going to Hell.

Lisa: Jews don't believe in Hell.

Krusty: No Hell! Thank you kid, you made my day.(heads over to the Gaza Strip Club)

Homer: I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder!

Bart: I already do that.

[In Homer's vision, he sees the characters from VeggieTales. Homer starts to cry.]

Larry the Cucumber: You have been chosen, Homer.

Homer: Chosen to be what, oh mighty Gerkin!?

American History X-cellent[edit]

Burns: Grab your scripts, people. We open in twenty minutes. Break a leg! (to a passing man) I said break a leg! (the man takes a hammer and hits the knee of his right leg, which cracks) For God's sake, man, it's a figure of speech! You're fired. (the man hobbles offscreen)

Bart: I am so glad I'm not your kid.

Lisa: Well I'm so glad I'm not your mom.

Bart: You should be. If I was in your tummy, I'd poo in your throat.

Lisa: Eww, eww, eww! I'll never get that image out of my head!

Homer: Yeah, the war's over and the future won. The past never had a chance man.

Chief of Hearts[edit]

Bart: [to several boys at Dylan's party] Hey dinks. What you're dweebing?

Boy 1: [scoffs] You don't know Battle Ball?

Boy 2: It's a Japanense card game based on a cartoon, based on an ancient religion, based on a candy bar.

Boy 3: It makes Digimon look like Pokémon.

Bart: What?! Impossible!

Bart: [To Ralph] How'd a pull-up like you get a great card like that?

Ralph: My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.

Bart: Ralph, I'll play you for that card.

Ralph: Okay, but if I win, you have to teach me how to play this game.

Bart: Deal!

The Squirt and the Whale[edit]

Homer: Lisa, get the car out.

Lisa: But I don't know how to drive.

Homer: Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive? Now go.

(Homer and Marge continue to talk with sounds of a car being pulled up in the background)

To Surveil With Love[edit]

Queen Elizabeth II: I miss that Ralph Wiggum. Reminds me of my boy.

Prince Charles: Mummy, my cat's breath smells like cat food.

Moe Letter Blues[edit]

Moe: (in letter) "There is no easy way to say goodbye forever, so I'll say it in the hardest way I can... Mandarin Chinese."

The Bob Next Door[edit]

Homer: Alright buddy, I'm gonna do to you what you should've done to my son a long time ago!

Bart: Y'know, the great ones can kill without explaining.

Sideshow Bob: I can stand in one state, fire a gun in the second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you'll fall down dead in the fifth! No single act is against any law, but their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!

Bart Simpson: Oh, I haven't gotten to that part yet!

Sideshow Bob: It's a four-year-old book.

Bart Simpson: I'm a slow reader.

Sideshow Bob: A fitting epitaph (Pause) It means last words!

Bart: Are you here to teach me, or kill me?

Elementary School Musical[edit]

Lisa: I finally found a place I belong.

Marge: Your week's up! Time to go home.

Lisa: [gasps] It can't be Saturday already! [checks camera] Monday was orientation. Tuesday, we did mime. Wednesday, we did Mame. Thursday, we got attacked by bees. Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Elaine Stritch helped us make wallets. Friday evening, we performed Angels in America: A Gay Fantasia on National Themes. Part 1: Millennium Approaches. Part 2...

Marge: Perestroika?

Lisa: That's right! Strike the set, pizza party, Sunday morning and then- [gasps] Nooooo!

Sarah: Goodbye Lisa! I'll miss you a lot! Then a little! Then not too much!

Loan-a Lisa[edit]

Bart: I just paid some idiot 50 bucks to walk up the down escalator all day. [scene cuts to Gil walking up the down escalator]

MoneyBART[edit]

Bart: Fine, you can be our coach.

Lisa: Thanks. You can be the free safety.

Bart: Wrong sport.

Lisa: I mean, the point guard.

Bart: Also wrong.

Lisa: I'm gonna do a little research.

Bart: A little is not gonna be enough, honey pie.

Lisa: Don't call me "honey pie".

Bart: You got it, tootsie pop.

Lisa: [grunts]

Nelson: Get a room, you two.

Lisa: We're brother and sister.

Milhouse: So are my parents, I think.

Lisa: Bart, this guy has walked the last two batters, and if he walks you, we win the game. Don't swing at anything.

Bart: But I'm on a hot streak!

Lisa: Hot streaks are a statistical illusion!

Bart: I wish you were a statistical illusion.

Lisa: Well, there's a 97% chance I'm not, so do what I say!

Lisa: Managers manage, and players play.

Ralph: Do alligators alligate?

Lisa: I don't know! Yes!

Ralph: I'm scared!

Lisa: You made me love baseball. Not as a collection of numbers, but as an unpredictable, passionate game, beaten in excitement only by every other sport.

Treehouse of Horror XXI[edit]

Bart Simpson: It's just a game. We're not really hurting anybody. [Accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]

Milhouse Van Houten: My non-lazy eye!

[Marge accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with her elbow]

Milhouse Van Houten: My other eye!

[After taking Lisa to the forest and carrying her up a tree, Edmund reveals his fangs]

Lisa Simpson: [gasps] You're a vampire! I should be scared, but I'm not.

Edmund: Let us move between the trees the way a bat does... by jumping!

Lisa Simpson: Edmund's almost here! So please, nobody be themselves.

Homer Simpson: I know, I know. Don't serve garlic, don't stab your guest in the heart with a wooden stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein. It's racist somehow.

Edmund: [to Lisa] Sorry. My dad insisted on coming. [a bat appears and turns into Dracula] [clearly aggravated] Dad! I don't need a chaperone. I'm 400 years old.

Dracula: You live in my crypt, you play by my rules.

Edmund: You're tearing me apart!

Dracula: Look, I'm more than just a vampire. I'm a nut for dixieland jazz. [plays jazz trumpet]

Edmund: [rolls his eyes and groans] You said you weren't gonna bring that.

Dracula: I said I might not. [continues to play]

Edmund: [whispers to Lisa] They say vampires live forever, but I die of embarrassment every day.

Lisa: I know just how you feel.

[Cut to Homer dancing with Santa's Little Helper]

Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life[edit]

Lisa: Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Homer: What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son.

Homer: Sooner or later, everyone meets their Homer.

Homer: Just pick a dead end and chill out till you die.

Willie: [singing to the tune of Loch Lomond while waxing the floor] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs and I'll get drunk in the library!

Lisa: [after seeing Cloisters Academy school bus] Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on!

[Upon learning that Lisa doesn't want to be like her, Marge is upset and distraught.]

Marge: What's so wrong with me?

Homer: Nothing, sweetie, nothing! Let me explain. She doesn't want to turn out like you didn't... not until... diplomatic... trapped... help. Remember nothing.

Marge: A mother will remember everything!

Homer: Well if you look inside your purse, you can find the 7 of clubs.

Marge:[Looks inside her purse and pulls out a photo of Lisa] No, it's a photo of Lisa who wants to be nothing like me.

Bart: What's your note say?

Lisa: The seven of clubs?

Homer:[Revealing himself to have put the 7 of clubs to cheer Lisa up] Tada!

The Fool Monty[edit]

Jeff Zucker: NBC, you are here to listen and not speak!

How Munched is That Birdie in the Window?[edit]

Homer: [telling the kids a horror story in a creepy voice] The Bloody Hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague-ridden streets of London...

Lisa: You said it was Boston.

Homer: [still in a creepy voice] Did I?

Nelson: My mom ran off with my birthday clown.

Bart: [to Raymond Bird] Now that you're officially my bird, let me fill you in on the pecking order around here. The top dog is me, followed by the top dog, the dog, then the cat and then you. But don't feel bad. You're ahead of Milhouse.

Milhouse: I thought your race car was a Transformer! Nothing's one thing anymore!

The Fight Before Christmas[edit]

Santa Claus (Krusty): Kids never change; always dumb as potatoes.

Agnes Skinner: Hey, Simpson! How come you ain't in combat like a real man?

Homer: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Homer: Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead, I grew this tree!

Lisa: Don't dare bring that thing in here!

Homer: What? You don't want a Christmas tree? That's crazy! Next you won't want a Christmas ham!

Lisa: Don't worry about that. I love meat and I always will. [takes a bite out of a slice of ham] Mmm-mm! That is some sweet pig meat!

Donnie Fatso[edit]

[Homer's stint as a Mob informant has indirectly led to Fat Tony's death]

FBI agent: Homer, I just want you to know that, out of all the informants the FBI has ever had, you were the snitchiest.

Homer: [bitterly] Oh, I see. You use me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket!

FBI agent: I never shook your hand.

Other FBI agent: And we never said you could have the blanket. [takes the blanket away]

[Homer is talking with "Fit Tony", Fat Tony's cousin]

Fit Tony: I keep my friends close...

Homer: But your enemies closer?

Fit Tony: No! Why would I do that? If I kept my enemies close, they would kill me!

Moms I'd Like to Forget[edit]

Bart: All right, Comic Book Guy, tell me my origin story.

Comic Book Guy: I will not relive that horror of that day! The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi or Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories on that, which I will share with you never.

Zack: It was the fourth-graders.

Homer the Father[edit]

Apu: And America has so many enemies. Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, the hoochies that laid low Tiger Woods, undesirable immigrants - by which I mean everyone that came after me, including my children...

Bart: I don't know. Can I really betray my country? I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day.

Chinese Agent: You pledge allegiance to the flag. And the flag is made in China.

The Blue and the Gray[edit]

Bart: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head, hair! Where's the border?!

Lisa: Oh, my God! Me too!

Bart: What are we?!

(Moe is alone on Valentine's day)

TV: Coming up next on world of war. Hitler and Eva Braun: crazy in love.

Moe: Even you let me down Hitler.

Marge: Aww, Homie, you always mean to say the nicest things.

Moe: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn to pick up free escorts.

Chalmers: Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Ned Flanders: Well, I got excited for nothing.

Lisa: I find your decision to go back to blue empowering.

Marge: I thought you found my decision to go from blue to gray empowering.

Lisa: As a feminist virtually everything a woman does is empowering.

Ralph: Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever-box.

Homer: Have you noticed how pizzas have gotten so small.

Woman: I know, they are like dimes.

Patty: So it's true, your hair committed blue-icide.

Homer: Uh-oh, usually when it gets this quiet, Mr. Burns is standing behind me.

Mr. Burns: Actually, I'm standing in front of you.

Angry Dad: The Movie[edit]

Bart: That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created.

Homer: I legally forced him to say "semi".

Herman Melwood: Don't thank me, thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.

Homer: [to Bart] My little Roman Polanski.

Marge: Homer!

Homer: What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?

Marge: [whispers in Homer's ear]

Homer: He what?! YOU MONSTER! [starts strangling Bart]

The Scorpion's Tale[edit]

Skinner: Now, remember to stay hydrated, and... [rattling noise is heard] AAH! Rattle snake! [it's shown that it's just Bart with a rattle; he laughs]

Chalmers: Hah! You fall for that every year, Seymour.

Skinner: In one year I didn't, and I was bitten by an actual rattle snake.

Chalmers: Yes, and if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.

Skinner: But I was gonna lose my foot!

Chalmers: Of which you have two.

Lisa: These flowers saved me from a terrible fate: not getting an A on my next science project!

Homer: [to Lisa] If you were a boy, you'd be a scientist!

Abe: What did you do during the war?

Walter Hotenhoffer: World War II? I wasn't born yet!

Abe: It's funny how many Germans say that these days.

Bart: It's like we've got our own monster!

Homer: Your grandfather is not a monster! Now, let's chain him in the basement until the circus comes to town.

Abe: Sounds good!

Abe: Together, we survived the Depression, won a few wars and put a man on the moon. In fact, the only mistake our generation made, was creating that generation! [points at Homer, Lenny and Carl dancing around Homer's burning car]

A Midsummer's Nice Dream[edit]

Homer: Dave's not here, man!

Love Is a Many Strangled Thing[edit]

Kent Brockman: Taking pity on the boy, the operators of Springfield Stadium open the stadium's retractable roof, in an attempt to dry his pants. Unfortunately, the stain was picked up by Russian spy satellites and President Dmitry Medvedev has taken the pants wetting as a sign of American weakness. A Russian flotilla has just entered New York Harb-

Bart Simpson: Precious, is that you?

Homer Simpson: Yes Mama.

Bart Simpson: You think you're so pretty, where's my Lotto Ticket?!

Homer Simpson: I forgot, Mama.

The Great Simpsina[edit]

Lisa: Initiate Phase 2.

Bart: I forgot what Phase 2 is, but I'll assume we just dump the peaches like we discussed.

Lisa: Affirmative.

Bart: I'll assume that means "yes".

Lisa: Roger.

Bart: The name's Bart.

Boy: I can see why they call you the "Great Simpsina".

Lisa: My friends call me Lisa.

Bart: She has no friends.

Lisa: Shut up!

The Real Housewives of Fat Tony[edit]

Lisa: This is our house. There's nothing buried here but hopes and dreams.

Lisa: Bart, I haven't been selling the truffles. I have been eating them.

Bart: Really? Why?

Lisa: Vegetarian food is so boring! Pasta! Soy! You know what's a bad pizza topping? Broccoli!

[both Marge and Homer are drunk]

Marge: Now, which is our room again?

Homer: You know. It had that painting of that lady and that monster on the ceiling.

Marge: That was a mirror!

Homer Scissorhands[edit]

Lisa: Okay, first of all, it's never wise to use the word "spew" in a love song.

Lisa: Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?

Bart: I dunno. It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean, and put back in my drawers?

Lisa: Taffy's up to something, and I won't find out what it is sitting on a computer. It's time to get boots on the ground! [cut to Lisa putting flower-patterned boots to her feet] [sweetly] You like my boots?

Bart: Once you get past the sister ick, they're fine.

Milhouse: You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be before you're happy?

Lisa: Milhouse, I...I...oh. [Lisa kisses Milhouse]

Milhouse: Lisa, does this mean you like me?

Lisa: Yes. No! I don't know! It means that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up. And you're cute in the moonlight. [Milhouse faints and falls off the cliff. A bald eagle flies up with Milhouse on its back]

Milhouse: Everything's coming up Milhouse [Lisa smiles]

500 Keys[edit]

Lisa: What's this key with the plastic skull for?

Bart: That's for my box with the real skull.

Lisa: So how come we have all these other keys?

Homer: Well, if you live long enough, you'll start to accumulate things. This is from a gas station's men's room. They put a block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it.

Lisa: I've discovered a mystery wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school!

Homer: Hey, kids! If I tossed you guys a bucket full of something, could you pour it out and toss the bucket back up? Don't drink it!

Chalmers: Skinner! When I say "drive us to Bolivia", that is your cue to start the damn car!

Lisa: There are two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake, and my sister locking herself in the car.

Skinner: We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.

Chalmers: Well, you should've.

Skinner: How could I? She wasn't even born yet.

Chalmers: People have babies!

The Ned-Liest Catch[edit]

Lisa: Actually, I do have a speech prepared.

Skinner: Excellent, Lisa. Freeplay cancelled.

Children: Aww.

Bart: No one cancels my freeplay.

[Bart breaks Milhouse's glasses]

Bart: Sorry man.

Milhouse: It's OK, thanks for making me part of the revolution.

Moe: Woah-woah-woah. No leaving until we all spook you on Edna's face. All right, pipe down back there, you'll get your chance.

Barney: Aw, come on Moe, quit hogging the Face.

Bart: Teachers aren't allowed to live close to their students. They are natural enemies, like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington.

The Falcon and the D'ohman[edit]

Marge: I do have a place you can go, where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.

Homer: So much violence on the surface world... I'm going back! [jumps back under ice]

Wayne: Homer is implanted with several high powerful tracking devices.

Marge: How did that happen?

Wayne: I left them out in a bowl and he ate them.

Homer: No! Not the middle seat!

Lunchlady Doris: We can't keep serving the same day every day, these kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears.

[Jimbo runs past with mash potato in his ears, as he didn't want to listen to Bart]

Superintendent Chalmers: Point taken.

Wayne: Your town appears on no maps or charts.

Homer: Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.

Marge: And when there was a map makers convention here, we all got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Homer: Not the one you're thinking of though, there's another one.

Marge: What brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito Lay distribution center?

Moe: Wow, that's the farthest one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.

Moe: My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings!

Homer: I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world like Major League umpires not using instant replay.. ok...

Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts[edit]

Nelson: This place is beautiful as a the side of a Coors Lite bottle. The kind my dad used to leave in the bathroom.

Bart: I thought teachers only went outside to smoke and cry.

Bart: Same garbage, different dumpster.

Edna: We have shirts from other high schools.

Marge: Ooh, we can wear those to the nice malls.

Lisa: [After seeing Bart locking a door.] Bart, what are you doing?

Bart: Taking over the school. With all the kids inside.

Lisa: What?! I'm telling mom!

Bart: Great, you can call her from the closet phone. [Locks Lisa in the closet.]

Lisa: Hello, mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.

Bart: There really is a phone in there?

[Bart opens the closet door, revealing that Lisa was faking. Lisa sticks her tongue at Bart. Bart locks the closet again.]

Bart: So immature.

[The kids threaten to destroy a photocopier if Willie breaks the door down.]

Principal Skinner: Willie, stay your tractor.

Groundskeeper Willie: Ya can't just turn 'er on and off like that! [Skinner turns the key which turns off the tractor.] Oh, ah guess ya can.

Sea Captain: Yar, just plastic. Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.

Treehouse of Horror XXII[edit]

Ned: (to a prostitute who accosts him) Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees.

Bart: Traitor. How dare you betray the planet I got laid on?

Homer: For further communication, I will require more beans.

Homer: Halloween - the one time of the year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.

Homer: I'm on the floor. I can't move. So far a normal Sunday morning...

Marge: I take your sugary sweets and give you healthy items...

Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.

Lisa: Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.

Replaceable You[edit]

Homer: I won't say, but his initials are S.F.

Roz: Stupid Flanders!

Homer: You're my personal savior.

Ned: Thank you, but I don't approve...

Homer: Hail Flanders, mightier than Jesus.

Homer: She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron. But at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over. In public. For no reason.

Professor Fink: Hello, Miss Wyoming. I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons to another night.

Miss Wyoming: [after receiving Frink's call] WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME!? [cries on her bed]

Homer: If an emergency alarm goes off, there's ear plugs in the top drawer.

Homer: Marge, get my seal club, the big one!

Bart: To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.

Milhouse: I really need that cootie shot, my dog and I accidentally touched tongues.

Bart: How is this accidentally when it's the fifth time?

The Food Wife[edit]

Homer: I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.

Krusty: Krustyland has a new ride, the Eyeballs of Death. It only passed the safety by a 3 to 2 vote. And that third didn't come cheap.

Homer: I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before.

Lisa: They're using pancakes as spoons.

Bart: Ooh, let's see what else they're doing wrong.

Ned: SPORTS stands for Strict Parental Oversight Rather Than Sports.

Marge: What if we roll pennies and go to the dollar store?

Homer: That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.

Marge: How come they never call me fun mom?

Homer: A family's like a team. On every team, you have the slam dunking mega star and the referee.

Marge: But this was all I had!

Gordon Ramsay: Stop your bloody winging Marge!

Marge: Aaah! Gordon Ramsay?

Gordon Ramsay: You shut up big blue! Didn't you? Why did you invite Homer? He stole your bloody thunder. You're not as much fun as him and you'll never will be. (Marge cries) Darling, darling, crying's not fun. Homer's fun! Now get out of my dream!

Marge: It's my dream!

Gordon Ramsay: Not anymore it's not! Ramsay, awake! (snaps his fingers, then awakes from his own bed) What in the hell was that?

Developer: I have twins I've never met.

Bart: When you meet them, tell them your game is too easy.

Homer: From the dad that brought you cemetery paintball and go carts on real roads...

The Book Job[edit]

Milhouse: These aren't dinosaurs! Dinosaurs sing! [throws Barney doll into a dinosaur's mouth]

Ralph: [getting scared] I wanna go back inside mommy. [tries to hide under his mother's skirt]

Homer: It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head!

Security Guard: Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus.

Homer: I demand to speak to my paleontologist!

Neil Gaiman: I've heisted myself to the bestseller list once again. And the most brilliant part is: I don't even know how to read!

Lisa: I got the idea from every movie ever made.

Homer: [about Neil Gaiman] British Fonzie is right.

TweenLit CEO: Is R.L. Stine here? Because you just gave me goosebumps.

Tweenlit CEO: [about the changes made to the group's novel] Don't feel bad. Before we got our hands on Twilight, it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem, but teens weren't going to spend their allowances to join 'Team Shmuel'!

Lisa: Everybody knows you got the idea for the series after an explosion at a crumpet factory knocked you off a double-decker bus. How could that be made up?

Bart: The point of the dinosaurs is: no matter what we do, an asteroid is going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place!

Homer: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?!

Kids (Johnson, Cindy, Tucker, Turner, and Harper): [Shrieks] A troll!

Moe: Hey, I ain't a troll! Look, I bleed red, just like you! [He pokes a needle on his finger. Green blood leaked out of Moe's finger.] The first part is always green. It turns red!

The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants[edit]

Jimbo: Your fists are your sisters?

Dolph: Yeah, Pocahontas and Sacagawea!

Bart: Nice save.

Mr. Burns: Take us out first. Anyone can start a family. These days no one can find a job.

Bart: I'll get one those jobs where you don't need to read. Like french fry maker or general.

Homer: Can you be my dad?

Robert: If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.

Robert: There ain't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big guy.

Homer: Yeah, the governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Robert: Before you say yes, Simpson I fell it's my duty to warn you, account men lose their soul.

Homer: Woohoo! No more church!

Robert Marlow: In two weeks, the only tie I'll be wearing will be for auto erotic asphyxiation.

Krusty: Why can't I be funny with just my words? Bill Maher doesn't put dangerous things near his crotch. Except when he's off work.

The Ten-Per-Cent Solution[edit]

Krusty: They were kids, and we gave them candy if they laughed! And if they didn't, until the 70s, I hit them with a stick! Some jerk tacked down the kids and made a documentary. It's called "Circus of Shame" or something.

Annie: I was so mad at him, I didn't have sex with a clown for five months!

Homer: What about mimes?

Annie: Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Krusty: They took my dressing room, my parking space, even my writer, so I don't have a funny third item.

Marge: No more TV! We're going to get some fresh air and visit a museum. Of television!

Bart: People also lover a quitter. Sarah Palin. The Beatles.

Annie Dubinksy: If you ever hear a star's name and wonder, is he dead? The answer is either "I represent him" or "yes."

Krusty: And all the movies are over a year old. It's like those parodies were written when the movies came out, but it took so long to animate them that we look dated and hackey.

Holidays of Future Passed[edit]

[The Simpsons have just finished the Thanksgiving dinner]

Homer: I'll never eat turkey again. Marge, we got any ham?!

Abe: [wearing an elf hat and having some mashed potato on his face in the shape of a beard] I'm Santa?! Oh, now I'll never die.

Bart: Can we just send out a picture of the pets as reindeers

Marge: We tried that last year.

[camera pans to a photo of Santa's Little Helper and Snowball V with toy reindeer horns attacking Homer]

Homer: D'oh!

Bart: Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?

Marge: You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.

Lisa: Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?

Bart: Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!

Milhouse: I can't believe we put a man on the Sun, but we can't stop my sneezing.

Lisa: How did my daughter turn into my brother?

Milhouse: Don't blame me. When we had her, they used only the best genetic material - which meant none of mine.

Milhouse: Why don't you take Zia to your parents for Christmas, while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas celebrating states?

Lisa: You could go back to Michigan. It's still under Sharia law.

Milhouse: Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.

Homer: Oh, Marge. How would you like some future sex?

Marge: Why do you say future? This is now.

Homer: I meant a week from tomorrow. That's when the new penis gets here.

Bart: Oh man. I can't believe they still haven't figured out a way to de-tangle Christmas lights.

Bart's elder son: Mom's boyfriend is good at de-tangling them.

Bart: [mockingly] Well, maybe mom should marry him!

Bart's elder son: She did!

Bart's younger son: We weren't supposed to tell you.

[Homer comes in with a top hat, a scarf, a smoking pipe, and a carrot]

Bart's elder son: Hey grampa, are you gonna build a snowman?

Homer: No, I just like to dress up to eat my carrots and smoke.

Lisa: Want to go to a concert tonight? 68% of the original Cher is playing.

Lisa: Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.

Marge: Not since they passed Homer's law.

Lisa: My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.

Homer: [chuckles] Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.

[Bart and Lisa are drinking wine in the Simpsons's treehouse, and are a bit drunk]

Lisa: Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.

Bart: Nelson calls you?

Lisa: Well, someone calls someone.

Bart: The boys think I'm a lousy father.

Lisa: Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.

Bart: [laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.

Lisa: Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.

Bart: [scoffs] What did she do?

Lisa: She told me to relax and bake cookies.

Bart: Did you bake any?

Lisa: Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!

Bart: Where's dad?

Lisa: He took the boys out.

Bart: How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?

Marge: People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.

Lisa: Oh, Martin Prince is now Marcia Princess.

Lisa: Google, even though you've enslaved half the world, you're still a damn fine search engine.

[Lisa sees the posters of women from Joan of Arc to Empress Zinzam on the wall of Zia's Ultranet room. The last poster features Lisa; she gasps in joy]

Zia: Mom? Why are you here?

Lisa: I was worried. I thought I would find-

Zia: What? Me flashing my boobs on ?

Lisa: What? No! It doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry I spied on you. But what I found, is, my daughter looks up to me!

Zia: Well, of course I do! I look up to both my parents!

[a hologram of Milhouse wearing a burqa appears]

Milhouse: Could somebody FedEx me a prayer mat? And quick!

[the hologram disappears; Zia turns back to Lisa]

Zia: But I especially look up to you.

[Lisa and Zia embrace. A door opens behind Zia, revealing a disco room full of partying people. Zia slams the door shut and keeps on embracing]

Bart: Boys, I've acted like a ten-year-old for the last 30 years, and I swear to you, I will grow up and act like a 20-year-old, the way a divorced 40-year-old should.

Bart's younger son: You're gonna have to do better than that.

Bart: Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad, I live in a school, it's Christmas. The only thing worth anything in my life is you.

Bart's elder son: Oh, Dad.

Bart's younger son: You've taught us the meaning of Christmas. Which schools are forbidden to tell us anymore.

[Bart hugs his sons]

Homer: Is it snowing down here?

Wiseguy: No, one of the freezers is busted.

Homer: [touched the boys have forgiven Bart] If those boys can forgive their train wreck of a father, maybe I can forgive... [de-freezes grampa]

Grampa: You quit drinking like a coward, the one thing you were good at...

[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]

Grampa: Lawn chair-breaking...

[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]

Grampa: Hair-losing...

[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]

Grampa: Marge-loving...

[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]

Grampa: Barometer dropping

[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]

Grampa: Father freezing.

[Homer re-freezes Abe and then de-freezes him]

Grampa: But you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway. Because deep down you couldn't stand to see me smooshed.

[Homer and Abe reconcile]

Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson[edit]

Lenny: When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight.

Apu: The hot dogs spin counter clockwise in fear when you arrive.

Homer: They know I'm doing a character. Like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.

Homer: Do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?

Lisa: They self-reference each other!

The D'oh-cial Network[edit]

Grampa: And I created an alcoholic hippo.

Homer: You never showed it to me!

Grampa: A stupid alcoholic hippo!

Homer: I still want to see it!

Grampa: There is no hippo!

Homer: Then why did you say that?

Grampa: 'Cause you're the hippo!

Homer: Are you just saying that because you don't want me to see the hippo?

Grampa: I don't have a hippo!

Mapple Salesperson: The lightest, most desirable computer in the world, for the next three weeks - the Mapple Void.

Homer: I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.

Mapple Salesperson: We already have!

Homer: Sweet.

Lisa: I have a thousand friends! And only eight of them are Milhouse!

Homer: Man, this website makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.

Lenny: Uh-oh. Doctor Hibbert keeps liking Bumblebee Man's posts. That's how it starts.

Moe Goes from Rags to Riches[edit]

Bart: From now on, I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize.

Comic Book Guy: Worst climbing Everest!

Bart: I dump on you, and you take it. That's how friendship works.

Homer: Marguerite, I leave to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders!

The Daughter Also Rises[edit]

Luigi: Now that's a spicy meet-cube!

Homer: We show girls love on Valentine's Day, and they let us blow things up on the Fourth of July. I just pray they never fall on the same day.

Bart: Luckily, she doesn't know that our viewing platforms are... multi.

At Long Last Leave[edit]

Otto: I'll have you know I'm also a hair donor. Salma Hayek wore me to the Oscars.

Homer: [on Maggie] Let her slice off the tip of your ear and she'll go right to sleep.

Carl: No.

Homer: That's not a choice you get to make.

Homer: Ohh, I always thought tarred and feathered was just a figure of speech. Good luck patching pot holes and stuffing pillows now!

Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers!

Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.

Homer: Sorry, Dad. I was afraid of the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.

Grampa: You idgit! Dragon always coughs the moon back up.

Marge: Don't even bother shooting us. We found a new place we love. It may not have indoor plumbing, but it has something else we treasure more.

Homer: Yeah, non jerks!

[The crowd gasps as Quimby and Wiggum realizes they were unfair to the Simpsons.]

Marge: In our new community people accept each other for who they are. I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead I'm going back to my Home!

Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart[edit]

Lisa: It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.

Nelson: [holding a cigarette] You sell cigarettes to kids.

Milhouse: Every vandalism spree needs an obnoxious laughter.

Apu: For once, the Indian has been outsourced.

Apu: Convenience forever, freshness never!

Homer: Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise - island something.

Bart: It's like going to Hawaii without all the murderous locals.

'Charles Montgomery Burns: ..now, if I can get my $3,000,000 dollars back?

'Ron English: No refunds [points at no refunds sign]

'Waylon Smithers, Jr.: But he just said that the show was a sham.

'Ron English: Oh, it is, and I'm just a guy sitting at a table. The only thing that's real, is a sign that says "no refunds".

How I Wet Your Mother[edit]

Homer: Attention, lovers of free office supplies - come and steal things you can easily afford!

Homer: [on the uralarm] Now that's what I call looking out for a number one.

Homer: Lighten up, Marge. I take you to the Disneyland of me and you just want to go to the lost and found.

Dream Apu: Homer, you do not yet understand the meaning of karma.

Homer: But isn't karma just an expression of the dhrama?

Dream Apu: That is beside the point, okay?

Them, Robot[edit]

Millhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy!

Robot: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game. We will notify you if this game comes meaningless.

Homer: What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.

Robot: We are the same temperature. We have always been.

Homer: I'm all alone, and when there's some problem due to a human error, guess who's to blame?

Barney: If we've learned anything from The Full Monty, it's that, in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money.

Beware My Cheating Bart[edit]

Jimbo: If I wrote down everything you told me to write down, I'd have no time for punching.

Dolph: Whoa, you should write that down, man.

Marge: This is the stupidest fight ever!

Homer: We've had stupider!

Homer: Now to save on calories, I won't eat the paper in the fortune cookie.

Homer: Now I'm going to visit the only court I can never be in contempt to of - food court.

A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again[edit]

Homer: Choke on my numb blue hands.

Bart: But where does the ship stop again?

Homer: I don't know. A lot of barefoot kids kicking soccer balls, shell necklaces, they really hit the poverty nicely.

Lisa: (as she's being welcomed into the Kid Zone Elite) It's so diverse. I've died and gone to a PBS kids' show.

Homer: (after finding Bart's room empty) Bart's been Raptured and his crap's been craptured.

The Spy Who Learned Me[edit]

Homer: Cleatus the football robot, you're my only hope.

Homer: And now because it's after noon, I can go to Moe's without having a "drinking problem."

Moe: Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.

Marge: This date night was even worse than the date night we saw Date Night.

Marge: Homer, I'm a single mother, trying to raise a family here.

Homer: But you're not-

Marge: Just zip it.

Lenny: Trouble in paradise?

Homer: No, my marriage.

Homer: Now that's what I call a snappy retort.

Marge: Stop saying what you call things! I'm trying to watch the movie.

Ned 'N Edna's Blend[edit]

Ned: Well, sir. Now we'll have an opening marriage.

Edna: Um, you do know what that means?

Ned: No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich wouldn't steer us wrong.

Homer: Mmmm...historically inaccurate.

Homer: People here do not respect boundaries.

Ned: Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop?

Sea Captain: I'm married to the sea, and I'm seeing two of the great lakes on the side. I won't say which ones but it's ERIE how SUPERIOR they are.

Moe: And that's that. Another story in the classic infallible three-act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for The Simpsons.

Lisa: Mr. Szyslak, I have a feeling there's going to be one more act to this story.

Moe: Well I'm not hanging around for that. Pfftt. Four acts.

Lisa Goes Gaga[edit]

Gaga dancers: [chanting] There is no over the top, there is no over the top.

Gaga: Never forget, you're all my little monsters.

Moe: Actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian. Pick your poison.

Nelson: Lisa, what you did is like my mother sticking ten bucks in her own g-string.

Homer: I cheat on my diet, but nobody knows cause the damage is on the inside and the first warning sign is sudden death.

Bart: Without awards show, how would I know what movie has the best beheading or that Glee is a comedy?

Wiggum: [on Ralph] Ah, he's a dumb kid, but he's an above average dog. Roll over, son!

Moonshine River[edit]

Marge: Just once I'd like your father to be on a Jumbotron for something good.

Homer: You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. Which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.

Bart: Come on, Dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea stadium.

Moe: If the late great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's that - oh, what's my other inflatable doll doing here?!

Treehouse of Horror XXIII[edit]

Bart: Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.

Bart: It's Homer before his boobs came in.

Homer: Awww, sweetie, sometimes a mysterious invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them. Now, go to bed.

Homer: A black hole...(whispering) I'm sorry, can we call it that?

Homer: Come on, you can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.

Frink: Oh my God, Particle!

Moe: Man, soccer's even boring for the ball.

Adventures in Baby-Getting[edit]

The Rich Texan: Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.

Homer: Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.

Bart: Oh no, Lisa's face! It's the same.

Lisa: I hope you're happy. You all just wasted your time working your way into an after school class. Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Ralph: Aahhh!

Homer: Geez. I mean I'm no Luis Guzmán, but I'm alright.

Gone Abie Gone[edit]

Homer: Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.

Lenny: All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.

Moe: Hey, don't you badmouth this country. Compared to the rest of the third-world, we're doing great.

Homer: That's one way to avoid drunk driving.

Marge: Another way is don't drink.

Homer: I'm not Superman.

Homer: And I don't think you're boring. It's just that in today's multi-channel environment you have too many choices. Look at Sunday night! There's like eight amazing shows, none of them on Fox.

Homer: Happy Anni...birth...tine's...shark week?

Penny-Wiseguys[edit]

Lisa: But I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't eat meat.

Lunchlady Doris: And I promised Paul McCartney I wouldn't sleep with John.

Dan: Fat Tony, a word?

Fat Tony: How about meringue?

Dan: That's a great word.

Fat Tony: We are bleeding red ink, which is the only thing we should not be bleeding.

Dan: How do you keep finding me?

Homer: You really should tweet less.

Dan: But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.

A Tree Grows in Springfield[edit]

Homer: A paper-based read-a-ma-jig? What are we, cavemen?

Lisa: Willie, I love your chaps.

Willie: Me pants are ripped out!

Marge: I don't care for silent auctions. It just encourages hovering.

Homer: Free Tibet! You heard me, free him now!

Homer: "Hope"? Is this one of those coincidences, like Jesus on a tortilla or George Washington on a dollar bill?

The Day the Earth Stood Cool[edit]

T-Rex: T.V.? We don't own a T.V.

Lisa: I didn't know that was an option.

Homer: No one judges my wife's thunder bags.

Homer: Wearing scarves in non-scarf weather is the essence of cool.

Marge: The kids are a mess. You brought them home exhausted and pretentious.

Marge: You're all bald.

Homer: No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.

Terrence: You know there are now restaurants there with two locations. Not near my kids.

Homer: Beat it, ducks! I'm not old enough to have food for you. I'm sexy. Young and sexy!

To Cur With Love[edit]

Burns: I insist you never wear shoes or a proper necktie again. Just house slippers and the most humiliating tie there is - bolo.

Herman: God closes a door, he opens a gunshot.

Homer: Well, that's just how dogs are. The most disloyal, unfaithful creatures God ever made.

Grampa: Unfortunately, like all true stories, this one has a crappy ending.

Bart: You have a story with an ending.

Bart: He's alive!

Marge: And he didn't pee on the floor.

Grampa: For me, that's a perfect day.

Lisa: I love that dog...but that is one long, stupid name.

Homer: That's right, your lord sticks his hand in his pants. And yes, it is the same hand I tapped you with.

Homer Goes to Prep School[edit]

Homer: Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.

Lloyd: Well, that is a big part of it.

Homer: It's okay. I know what I am.

Homer: Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.

Moe: Well, Homer's gone. Let's all go into our suspended state 'til he gets back.

Homer: If Jesus had a gun, He'd be alive today.

Homer: Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.

Marge: The end of the world as we know it?!

Homer: I guess despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner like a racially diverse street gang on a network cop show.

Bart: Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?

Homer: I don't know; feed it to the dog.

Bart: You'd have to wrap cheese around it.

Homer: Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Fun Center Supervisor (on her cell phone): I hate working here. At least at Krusty Burger, you can burn yourself and go home.

A Test Before Trying[edit]

Bart: Looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.

Seymour: Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.

Lisa: Well, Bart. I hope you're happy. All my extra credits are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.

Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I hate risotto.

Skinner: Even mushroom risotto?

Chalmers: What do you think?!

Mrs. Krabappel-Flanders: We got hired at this school to escape accountability. Who's gonna hire a hire a lunchlady who's been accused of murdering her husband?

Lunchlady Doris: Never convicted. They couldn't find the body. Anyone care for some chicken Pete pie?

Homer: When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.

The Changing of the Guardian[edit]

Homer: Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.

Homer: Worry-wart Marge. You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.

Bart: All you need to know is that I'm a politeness monster who eats "pleases" and farts "thank yous", ma'am.

Lisa: I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.

Marge: I think I hear a slight accent.

Woman: Mid-Atlantic.

Marge: *gasp* That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it!

Homer: What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.

Cletus: Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.

Love is a Many-Splintered Thing[edit]

GPS: Switching to male voice, so you will obey.

Homer: Finally, a supervisor!

Mary: [singing] There ain't not never no place none better than home. Count the negatives, it all works out.

Bart: You got star quality, like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.

Milhouse: I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.

Lisa: Eww. On every level, eww.

Bart: I'll be more attentive to your needs on the seesaw. I'll stay down there as long as you want.

Hardly Kirk-ing[edit]

Homer: "Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.

(after Marge tells them that she's banning TV from the house)

Homer: Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.

Bart: That's the way people talk about Ralph. Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.

(Homer is watching Maggie's Baby Poindexter DVDs)

Bart: Dad, what are you watching?

Homer: I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.

Marge: We're taking Maggie to the bookstore, so she can learn the way kids did from 1910 to 2002.

Gorgeous Grampa[edit]

Marge: (to Homer) Your father wasted his life his whole life being married to your mother and having you. We got to find him a boyfriend before it's too late.

Lisa: Why don't you put a personal ad on the Internet? That's how young people date these days.

Bart: It's weird that you don't consider yourself a young person.

Lisa: I know. It's weird to me too.

Grampa: I don't ride side-saddle. I'm as straight as a submarine.

Burns: Hello, Smithers. Fancy seeing you in casual encounter park.

Homer: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays.

Homer: Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of DUIs.

Black Eyed, Please[edit]

Hibbert: You may never see a film in 3D again. (chuckles)

Homer: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

Lisa: Why does someone become a bully?

Jimbo: Neglect.

Dolph: Abuse.

Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.

Edna: I know you feel guilty about about cold-cocking Homer.

Ned: Please don't use that word in bed.

Ned: I want you to punch me in the eye. If you do, then we're even according to Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew.

Homer: You went and hired a law firm, eh. That's pretty aggressive.

Ned: Come on, Homer. I'm insisting on a fisting.

Smithers: What's this about a fisting?

(Ned comes home and finds his parents and Homer smoking marijuana and watching TV)

Ned: Homer, I can't believe you're partaking with my parents.

Homer: Yeah, it's medicinal; we had a pain in our neck!

Dark Knight Court[edit]

Burns: How much for your entire collection?

Comic Book Guy: Um, the speed of light expressed in dollars.

Burns: [to Smithers] Just give him Faraday's constant.

Martin: Who could have shoved eggs up our brass?

Cletus: Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye. It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.

Lisa: Bart must not be judged by these kids. But by a jury...of kids, mostly these kids...there's only so many kids.

Bart: Pass the gravy, Gloria All-Wrong.

What Animated Women Want[edit]

Homer: Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.

Marge: I'm not going to sleep.

Homer: Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.

Homer: Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous.

Marge: The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.

Waiter: I hope you are enjoying your sushi.

Marge: It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial says.

Pulpit Friction[edit]

Homer: Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim. But as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.

Helen: Why won't someone blame the children?

Moe: Bring out your beds. Bring out your beds.

Homer: Boy, why are your friends so dirty?

Bart: Dunno. Why are your friends such drunks?

Homer: Touche.

Homer: Hehehe, the brain is so stupid.

Whiskey Business[edit]

The Fabulous Faker Boy[edit]

Milhouse: Did you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?

Homer: My head hairs! I'm bald!

Moe: There's sexy bald like...uh...Babar, king of the elephants. I read his books as a kid. He married his cousin Celeste. That was my takeaway.

Martin: Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.

Dolph: What gender?

Martin: You're not allowed to ask.

Carl: Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?

Homer: It's not even noon.

Carl: Yeah, I got a watch, egghead.

The Saga of Carl[edit]

Homer: Sorry, Carl, it's WWII all over again. America kicks Iceland's ass.

Homer: And I'm 69 because people always laugh when you say "69." Hehe, no one knows why.

Moe: Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Gamed in the womb.

Patty: So, now you're going to get hit on by ever loser in town.

Selma: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

Dangers on a Train[edit]

Homer: Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves. Did you know a well-placed one-star could destroy a "Mom and Pop" hardware in nothing flat?

Homer: Just call me Borders Books 'cause I'll always be here.

Marge: Accidental motherhood is the best thing that can happen to a woman.

Ben: Whoa!, A is for apple, right?

Homerland[edit]

Wiggum: When I look at people, I don't see colors; I just see crackpot religions.

Marge: He's like a husband in a widow's memory, perfect.

Lisa: Bart, why is the dad I've always wished for creeping me out?

Bart: I don't know, 'cause you're incapable of experiencing joy?

Lisa: Point taken.

Bart: You have some big underpants to fill. I didn't know they made underoos in size 52.

Homer: They're called superoos, son, with pictures of the cast of The Expendables.

Bart: More like The Expandables.

Homer: I'm not sure man who eats right and doesn't drink can be good in bed.

Homer: Oh, I've been listening to this son for three days and it's only the end of the first verse and was turned vegetarian.

Treehouse of Horror XXIV[edit]

Homer: Marge, they knew what they were getting into when their parents sold them to the circus.

Burns: I don't hand out candy, you son of a Grinch.

Homer/The Fat In The Hat: Now hop on my cycle, there's nothing to fear. And we shall have candy...and maybe some beer.

Homer/The Fat In The Hat: (his dying words after Maggie stabs him) I'm frightened of nothing/Not even hellfire/Just don't ever let me be played by Mike Myers.

Four Regrettings and a Funeral[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets?

Agnes: I have no regrets.

Seymour: Really, Mother?

Agnes: Oh, I didn't see you there.

Mr. Burn: Speaking of return on investments, my Apple stock is up 3,500%.

Homer: Aw, you misheard that on purpose!

Milhouse: Why are you doing this, Bart?

Bart: 50% attention-seeking, 50% to drop things on people.

Ralph: He's gonna visit my sky granny.

Rafael: (to Homer) That's a ball-proof window, sir. Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital?

Siri: (to Rafael) I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you. Deleting all contact information.

Rafeal: No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri. I...

Siri: Delete confirmed.

Ned Flanders: Pray for a miracle, boy. God can hear you better from up there.

Bart: (Pray to God) Dear Lord, please help me land safely. Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot that I control with my mind. Amen.

Ned Flanders: That's not a prayer.

Bart: My God says it is.

Marge: It's all my fault. I should never have listened to those KISS albums when I was pregnant.

Chief Wiggum: (to Marge) Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches when she was pregnant with Ralphie, and he can't even open a refrigerator.

YOLO[edit]

Eduardo: Did you hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory?

Homer: I wish.

Marge: I feel kind of melancholy.

Homer: Hmm...melon-collie.

Ned: That sounds salty, but you seem sweet. I'm going to call you kettle corn.

Willie: You want me to carve it into a thank-o-lantern?

Lisa: No, this is good.

Willie: Well, this knave's got to carve something.

Labor Pains[edit]

Moe: Read 'em and weep. The novels of Charlotte Brontë.

Carl: I thought we were playing cards.

Homer: You like lies? Here's a few: College is expensive, but it's worth it.

Homer: I'm sorry, Homer, Jr. You'll occupy an idealized place in my heart that no one can ever quite fill.

Bart: Therapy, please.

Lisa: Me too.

Marge: I'm a Schwarzenegger wife!

Homer: But you're also the housekeeper. So it's all good.

Homer: (After imagining telling Marge about Homer Jr.) This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.

The Kid is All Right[edit]

Homer: Alright, '80s party! Where's the beef? Tear down that wall because I think the beef is behind that wall.

Principal Skinner: I must say, Lisa, it was amusing to see you thoroughly de-high-horsed.

Lisa: That isn't a word.

Principal Skinner: Oooh, back on the saddle she climbs.

Principal Skinner: It's called precipitation because it never fails to precipitate bad behavior.

Lisa: Excellent! [tents fingers] What am I doing? Untent! Untent!

Yellow Subterfuge[edit]

Skinner: You're like egg salad at a picnic, Simpson. Even when you look good, we know you're going bad.

Lisa: You could do what Everybody Loves Raymond did.

Krusty: Go off the air while I'm still good? That horse has left the stable, gone to the glue factory and has been used to make art projects.

[after Bart complains to Marge because the family does not believe in him]

Marge: Bart, sweetie. This is an opportunity for you to turn things around... yet again. And I believe in you... yet again.

[after Homer arrives at the pier]

Bart: [sobs] Skinner didn't let me go. [sobs]

Homer: Really? Oh. I bet that submarine isn't so fun anyway.

Bart: [sniffs] You think so?

[in the submarine]

Navy captain: Fire that torpedo, Milhouse!

Milhouse: Aye-aye! [presses a button] Where did it go?

Navy captain: It was just imaginary.

[outside the submarine, the Springfield lighthouse blows up]

White Christmas Blues[edit]

Marge: Well, there's a rec room off the kitchen. But sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't. Our house is very odd that way.

Quimby: Don't you idiots see what this means?

Lenny: Idiots? Why do we re-elect this guy?

Carl: Because his opponent has a long Slavic name.

Homer: Global warming. Huh, by pure coincidence every scientist was right.

Steal This Episode[edit]

FBI Agent: I'm here to arrest and hopefully stage the prison suicide of the mastermind of this operation - Homer Simpson.

FBI Troop 1: (Screams) COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL!

FBI Troop 2: Don't look at it!

FBI Troop 3: Somebody sell me a ticket!

FBI Agent: Get your earmuffs on and your blindfolds on. We were trained for this.

[The FBI Agent uses a gun to shoot Homer's laptop and the projection screen reads "NO SIGNAL"]

FBI Agent: (As he grabs Homer from climbing over a fence) FROM NOW ON, HOMER! The only place you will ever see a movie without buying a ticket is jail!

Lenny: [on piracy] That was so much better than the cinema. It mixes the wonder of movie-going with the rush of stealing.

Carl: All we want is brand new, big-budget entertainment in our homes for nothing. Why doesn't Hollywood get that?

Homer: That was the greatest thing I've seen on a computer that I could talk about with you in the room.

Homer: If I wanted to pay for commercials I can't skip, I'd sign up for Hulu Plus.

Homer: Wait, you guys saw the new Radioactive man sequel?

Carl: Uh, it's not a sequel, it's a reboot.

Lenny: Actually, this one undoes the stuff from the last one, so it's a reboot.

Married to the Blob[edit]

Bart: Homer, will you take me to buy a comic book Tuesday at midnight?

Homer: And miss the back half of Jimmy Kimmel? That's when he experiments, boy.

Comic Book Guy: I cannot hide the snide inside!

Comic Book Guy: The closest thing I have to a father is the Obi-Wan doll in my store, and he comes from a race of celibate knights so...

Comic Book Guy: Nerds don't get girls!

Specs and the City[edit]

Burns: Beware, rabbits. I spy with my transplanted eyes.

Lisa: How does this mean anything when everyone's forced to do it?

Marge: What did I say about pointing out the meaninglessness of things?

Lisa: Not to.

Nelson: Simpson, there's going to be a heart in my hand, either paper or yours.

Marge: I'm afraid wives don't make passes at husbands who wear those glasses.

Diggs[edit]

Marge: Bart's usually first in line for taco night, but now he's muy tarde. Is it alright to say tarde?

Homer: Pressure is how you make your beloved diamonds, Marge.

Marge: I don't have any diamonds.

Homer: Quit pressuring me!

Homer: If God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible. The first one sold pretty well.

The Man Who Grew Too Much[edit]

Lisa: Nobody form any opinions while I'm gone.

Chief Wiggum: Well, hurry! We have no minds of our own.

Marge: Don't you think the parts that aren't evil, are a little...pretentious.

Bart: Absolutely...we're talking about Lisa, right?

Todd: We took the pledge.

Rod: We won't have sex until we're married.

Todd: To each other.

Ned: Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen.

Ned: (Sighs as he looks at his late wife, Edna Krabappel and wearing a black armband) Sure do miss that laugh.

Nelson: Ha-ha! I miss her too.

The Winter of His Content[edit]

Nelson: Simpson, I won't forget this. From now on, you and I are as tight as whiteys.

Dolph: I'm going to kiss the ground.

Kearney: Loser, you're gay for the ground.

Dolph: Well, you're gay for homophobia.

Kearney: Wow, you just made me gay for tolerance.

Homer: Honey, Grandpa is the closet thing I have to a father and I love him, but three octogenocerauses?!

Homer: My lifestyle is my retirement plan.

The War of Art[edit]

Homer: Emojis! Now she's gone too far.

Homer: Kettle-corn, the heroin of the farmer's market.

Homer: That's the great thing about art, everyone can have their opinion about why it sucks.

You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee[edit]

Skinner: So from now on, our cafeteria will only serve delicious Stuffwich's heroes, hoagies, and torpedoes.

Nelson: What about po' boys?

Skinner: Sorry, Nelson. Poor boys, such as yourself, will go hungry.

Homer: The only thing that keeps me from living here is that fish that swims up your pee stream. That is a deal breaker.

Superintendent: Skinner! I have seven other principals, and I've never yelled their names. Not even once.

Dolph: Why are you concussing yourself? Why are you concussing yourself?

Luca$[edit]

Milhouse: A fat kid with a dream. I can't compete with that.

Lisa: He's just Ralph with a dream, the dream of not ralphing.

Homer: Whoo hoo! I've got a date with my daughter!

Cletus: Yeah, we've all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.

Milhouse: I never would have suspected the one criminal in town.

Patty: Justin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone?

Bart: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom.

Lisa: At least we hope it's bottom.

Days of Future Future[edit]

Bart: Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Frink: You used up all your clones you fat, fat, fat reckless, fat pig.

Marge: You can live with your no good son.

Bart: Hey, what did I do?

Marge: Nothing for 30 years. You're perfect for each other.

Homer: I am as healthy as a horse.

Marge: Horses only live 30 years.

What to Expect When Bart's Expecting[edit]

Homer: Oh, why are you doing this to me, booze? I drank every kind of you.

Lenny: Why do they call this a yard of ale?

Carl: Easy, after you drink it, you're passed out in a yard.

Homer: Do you know how embarrassed I was to get a call at my arraignment for my behavior during the pub crawl because of a voodoo curse my son placed on his art teacher?

Bart: A minute of fun a lifetime of work. I've never heard of a pregnancy like this.

Brick Like Me[edit]

Krusty: Come back, I'm a clown! I can't afford to look ridiculous!

Homer: Marge, did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird store that if we went back to find it, it wouldn't be there anymore?

Marge: No.

Homer: AAAAHHH!

Homer: Marge, would you give up eating steak in the matrix to go slurp goo in Zion?

Marge: We don't have that movie here.

Homer: Oh, they're so cute when they're Duplo.

Homer: It's not selling out. It's co-branding. Co-branding!

Ralph: Yo soy el language lab!

Comic Book Guy: As an adult who surrounds himself with child's toys, I represent the part of your psyche that prefers this artificial world!

Pay Pal[edit]

Bart: I want you to binge watch all the shows you've ever done.

Krusty: I've never said no to a binge.

Rabbi Krustofski: What did the burning bush say?

Krusty: It said ow! Put me out! How many talking bushes do you think there are?

Krusty: No one told me this roast would treat me the same way as every roast I've ever seen and laughed at.

The Yellow Badge of Cowardge[edit]

Lisa: [narrating] Bart won a blue ribbon, but was it worth it?

Marge: Lisa! Bath time!

Lisa: Mom! I'm narrating!

Marge: The water's going to get cold!

Lisa: Fine!

Bart: I suck, you suck!

Krusty: How can they say I'm past my prime? Me, the voice of Ovaltine.

Homer: [while the Gracie Films logo begins, but no music] Usher, will you stop that person who's shushing?

Clown in the Dumps[edit]

Marge: [to Lisa] The doctor gave us this machine to help him breathe in his sleep, go to bed, I'll take care of him.

[Lisa goes back to her bedroom]

[Homer wheezes in his sleep]

Marge: Oh no, oh my god, oh, holy moly, it's not wor-no good, no good, oh, aah, what'll I do?! Oh, breathe, Homie, breathe.

[at some kind of restaurant]

Homer: I'm not going anywhere for at least 10 years.

[Hibbert coughs a bit]

Homer: 5 years?

(Hibbert coughs a bit again]

Homer: 6 months?

[Hibbert coughs a bit once again]

Homer: Should worry about that guy, he's got the cough.

[at a funeral service]

Comic Book Guy: Worst funeral I have ever live tweeted.

The Wreck of the Relationship[edit]

Lisa: Mom, it's trash talk. You know how guys say mean things to their friends the way women say nice things to their enemies?

Lisa: She's under a lot of stress, her husband's at sea.

Marge: Homie, the fantasy draft just ended. I got you five kickers. It is called football, right?

Super Franchise Me[edit]

Marge: It's like they don't care if you make money, as long as they make money. What kind of corporation does that?

Grandpa: Homer, if I ever seem that senile, get a gun and...what are you doing with that gun?!

Homer: Well, family, we should be proud. We took on corporate America and broke even.

Bart: What's your soda refill policy?

Marge: All you can drink, if you buy a jumbo cup.

Homer: Careful, Marge, that's how I bankrupted a Pizza Hut.

Treehouse of Horror XXV[edit]

Lisa: It's true, it would be a cold day in Hell when I was popular.

Homer: The power of Chrysler compels you!

Homer: The bed is lifting me, the elevator at work can't even do that.

Grandpa: I was sleeping in the dryer and got caught in your sheets.

Moe: These eye clamps are the only way I can tolerate today's TV.

Homer: You went to Hell and came back a winner like Jesus.

Homer: It's in Hell, the Inferno, Perdition, Arizona without the golf.

Opposites A-Frack[edit]

Marge: You always do the right thing...sort of.

Homer: Wait, I finally get what you're saying. Fracking is great, but the only place it should ever happen is in other people's towns.

Mr. Burns: I appreciate the counsel, Simpson, now please trap door yourself out.

Mr. Burns: I demand to see that capitalism castrating suffragette this instant.

Simpsorama[edit]

Lisa: Professor Farnsworth, I'm dying to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?

Professor Farnsworth: Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported from a singularity that I quantum-entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.

Professor Frink: Yes, but how did Bender get here?

Professor Farnsworth: With a time machine.

Lisa: But you just said that—

Professor Farnsworth: Sample's ready!

Blazed and Confused[edit]

Mr. Lassen: We should team up, I can get you out of here.

Sideshow Bob: A partner, intriguing, who gets to gut him like a little pot-bellied salmon?

Mr. Lassen: I assumed we'd take turns.

Sideshow Bob: No deal.

Superintendent Chalmers: According to this file from Blazing Guy's secret security, your behavior was so egregious we can do something that we've never done before - fire a teacher.

Principal Skinner: Hand in your red pen...oh, I'm not gonna pass fingernail inspection tonight.

Homer: A camping we will go.

Marge: But where I still don't know.

Homer: A place that's filled with sun and sand, a desert steamed from Disneyland, keep expectations low.

Homer: Oh, Marge, I can't stand it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized, the mashed potatoes can't stand to watch, even the children seem upset.

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, your new teacher is...everybody pray!

Principal Skinner: This is a public school.

Superintendent Chalmers: I said pray!

Covercraft[edit]

Homer: What I feel is envy.

Lisa: Wow! He's right.

Bart: What's a game show?

Homer: Something you make sketches about.

Homer: I want his fame and fortune so much. Why must the lords of rock be so cruel?

Homer: Oh, what kind of erotic asphyxia?

Homer: Yep, it's all about the music and it would take a pretty unforeseen circumstance to make that change. Pretty unforeseen.

Homer: This is embarrassing to admit, but I haven't even thought about gels.

Homer: I don't have what it takes to play the guitar.

Lisa: Oh no, King Toots is closed. Dad, you're going to have to take me to the big Fox music store.

Mo: You call that a left testicle, Toot?

I Won't Be Home for Christmas[edit]

Homer: What the? This isn't Halloween.

Homer: Thank you, magical creatures of the mall! You have all taught me a Christmas message I'll never forget. The place to get drunk is at home.

Homer: You're all right stupid Flanders, you're all right.

Homer: Yeah, but doesn't the money go to schools?

Apu: You have been to our schools, what do you think?

Homer: Well, good luck assembling all those toys without me!

Patty: We already did it!

Homer: Ah! The ghost of Marge future!

Lisa: Mom, where's Dad?

Marge: I don't know.

Bart: Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man, we do not want to set a precedent for fat guys being late tonight!

The Man Who Came to Be Dinner[edit]

Lisa: Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species. Like three bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.

Marge: Homer, you have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor.

Homer: Fine.

Homer: Wow, this place is completely alien, but everything's in English, just like Canada!

Homer: Look at all these knobs and buttons. They're clearly a superior race. Maybe that means they'll be nice to us.

Lisa: You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans or the Belgians were to The Congo?

Homer: That's right, pick the only two times in history where things got messy.

Lisa: They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.

Bart's New Friend[edit]

Bart: You did it, Homer, you saved me from the bullies, you're the coolest kid I've ever met.

Milhouse: What about me?

Bart: You're in the top hundred.

Milhouse: Booyah!

Bart: Now you're not.

Homer: Okay, Marge, we can go to the circus, maybe I can finally find out why a man would think a stool is a proper defense against a lion.

Homer: I don't have time for childish games. If I don't do my job, atoms go boom!

Don: It's like rooting for the Cubs, you keep thinking they'll make it, and then you realize they never ever will.

The Musk Who Fell To Earth[edit]

Lenny: No, mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers, also water in the decontamination showers.

Burns: Never!

Lisa: For a man who likes electric cars, he sure burns a lot of rocket fuel.

Homer: Between your genius and my nothing, we make a great team. Come on, give me a hug!

Homer: Fine, we'll both go, and if anyone asks you something you don't understand, just say protons.

Bart: Squaky, until I met you, I never thought I could love something bald.

Walking Big & Tall[edit]

Homer: Marge, I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader, Professor X of the X-Men.

Marge: It's not that Professor X wouldn't get up, it's that he couldn't!

Bart: Aw, jeez, I thought writing another hit song would be easier.

Lisa: Well, it would have helped if you hadn't crumpled up all the paper before we wrote anything on it.

Homer: Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you, but I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight. Now the first thing I have to do is make amends with the bathroom scale.

Homer: I have so many questions for you. First or all, is this floor reinforced?

Bart: Thinking back, I'm kinda surprised Mom and Dad let a crazy man spend all night in my bedroom.

Homer: Simpler times.

Moleman: I didn't write it. I brought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America. I didn't think you'd find out because I never thought any of us would go anywhere.

My Fare Lady[edit]

Taxi Driver: Those smart cars are cutting into our business. We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.

Mr. Burns: They say you catch more flies with honey, I say with fly traps.

Moe: The only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here has been holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.

Homer: Look, Moe. The least you can let me do is anything I want.

Moe: You guys cost me my chance with a woman of certain age!

Moe: I'm broke. Now I am going to have to live on my savings here. [Opens cash register] ALL RIGHT WHO RUBBED MY NICKELS?!

The Princess Guide[edit]

Princess Kemi: So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant?

Homer: It's called The Bachelor.

Princess Kemi: I think he is a sweet, sweet man, but when I kissed him, it was not romantic, more like when Snow White kissed Dopey.

Moe: No, no, not this comparison again!

Moe: Do you mind riding a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist?

Princess Kemi: I don't.

Moe: To the scooter store!

Homer: She's gone!

Moe: And she trashed my bar! Oh no, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Homer: Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. If I start watching commoners, the tongues of the court will be a wag.

Sky Police[edit]

Reverend Lovejoy: Relax, Marge. If God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.

Homer: But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow, I get to tell everyone why.

Marge: I can't believe it, but the church is going to have to ask people for money.

Homer: Oh, God gets your papers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like email updates from Linkedln.

Waiting for Duffman[edit]

Lisa: I'm not sure how many more times we can watch Dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.

Dr. Schulman: As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.

Marge: Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat?

Lisa: See you next Tuesday, Dr. Schulman! Oh, right, you're in Maui.

Homer: I will do something no one has ever done, be fun sober!

Mr. Duff: Why don't you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit?

Marge: Don't cut yourselves!

Marge: These reality shows really leave you no privacy.

Peeping Mom[edit]

Milhouse: Fie?

Bart: Yeah, look it up.

Milhouse: Used to express disgust or outrage? That's the worst F word there is!

Bart: Dad, are you gonna snitch on me?

Homer: Moes before bros.

Homer: Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog. I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.

Marge: I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.

Homer: The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loin cloths for me.

Marge: I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.

Chief Wiggum: I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means, and opportunity.

Lou: You also have no evidence.

Chief Wiggum: That's implied.

The Kids Are All Fight[edit]

Homer: Isn't that sweet, six years ago they were fighting, now they're playing pool in a bar.

Moe: Father of the year, pal, father of the year.

Marge: It all began six years ago. Back then, Clevelanders had nothing bad to say about LeBron and they needed cash when they took the turnpike to Toledo.

Bart: I saved you.

Lisa: But you pushed me!

Bart: Duh, I couldn't save you until I pushed you. Girls make no sense.

Lisa: I was pretending, and it worked!

Bart: You know, kid. With your smarts and my Barts, we make a good team!

Lisa: What are Barts?

Bart: You're the smart one, you figure it out.

Maude: My bladder's going to burst.

Ned: Now I know you've had a few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.

Marge: What are we going to do?

Homer: It's not so bad, sweety. I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room. The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.

Lisa: Remember when Apu let Dad have the experienced hot dog?

Homer: Just once and I'm still taking medication for it.

Let's Go Fly a Coot[edit]

Milhouse: If it's the blue hair and the schnoz you're digging, I've got plenty more cousins.

Bart: Thanks, Milhouse. I think I'm gonna steer clear of Van Houtens for awhile.

Milhouse: More for me, marrying a cousin worked out great for my parents.

Homer: Dad, I apologize. I only say this at gunpoint, but it's true. I love you.

Abe: That's Mock Rickly, my old Air Force buddy.

Bart: You said you were in the Army.

Lisa: You said you were in the Navy.

Abe: That's the kind of mix up that used to happen when I was in the Marines.

Marge: Geez, kids. Guess you've had your last birthday. You're going to stay your current ages for the rest of your lives.

Bull-E[edit]

Ned: He's a hero all right, a hero sandwich full of bologna!

Chief Wiggum: A TV star criticizing his writers, what has this world come to? Another bully for your collection boys.

Homer: No, no, honey. I love everything your force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.

Bart: And what does that get you?

Homer: Hopefully not a you.

Lisa: Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.

Mathlete's Feat[edit]

[the Simpsons are seated as normal when a hover vehicle driven by Rick and Morty runs the family into goo]

Rick: Oh my God, Morty! What did you do?! You killed the Simpsons, Morty!

Morty: Oh my God! No! No, ahh..-I-I-I didn't mean to! There's so much Si-Simpsons!

Rick: Oh, goo— oh God, look at the baby one! Oh my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved fahhh-mily, Morty! They're-they're-they're-they're a national treasure and you killed them!

Morty: Ahh... I'm just a kid! I'm just a kid, I don't wanna go to jail!

Rick: Relax, Morty, calm down, we'll take care of it. [scoops goo into vial] Okay, I want you to take that vial of Simpsons goo [shoots portal] and this picture to this address. They'll make us new Simpsons. You understand me, Morty?

Morty: Me?! Wh-wh-what are you gonna do?!

Rick: Morty, I gotta clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around. You know many characters there are in The Simpsons, Morty? There's like a billion cha-ahracters. Th-they did an episode were George Bush was their neighbor.

Morty: Alright, can't argue with that.

Every Man's Dream[edit]

[Homer started sleeping at the Nuclear Plant after Marge threw him out of the house]

Lenny: Poor guy, living at the plant.

Carl: And yet, he's still late!

[Selma calls Homer]

Selma: Hello, Homer. Marge is getting ready for a date!

Homer: [sad] Marge? On a date?

Selma: Yep! But I'll make you a deal: I'll try to save your marriage if you can guess which one I am.

Homer: Patty?

Selma: Wrong! [hangs up on Homer, who starts crying]

Cue Detective[edit]

[Lisa and Bart are investigating Nelson, who's playing a game on a tablet, about the missing smoker]

Lisa: And those are some nice upgrades.

Bart: Expensive upgrades!

Lisa: Upgrades like that costs gems, and gems cost cash.

Bart: Expensive cash!

Lisa: Where did you get the cash, Nelson?

Nelson: I don't use gems! I'm a grinder. A grinder!

[spins the merry-go-round, making Bart and Lisa dizzy]

Homer: Then they called me "Stinkson"! That's not even my name!

Lisa: What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never about hygiene. [silence] Rarely our hygiene. [silence] Never my hygiene!

Puffless[edit]

Patty: I'm about to say something I never thought I'd say to you... Something nice.

Homer: Mmhh?!

Patty: I only mock you because I'm jealous of what Marge has on you. I only have Selma, and now I don't even have that.

Homer: Oh, Patty, I waited so long for you to open a window of niceness.

Patty: No, that was it, window shut.

Groundskeeper Willie: Eh, what's the penalty for... driving a tractor drunk through a... renaissance fair?

Patty: Can't help you! I might be having a stroke! I have to consult a competent medical professional! [types on a medicine website "Have I had a stroke?"] Hmm... Got that, got that... m-Hmm... Who doesn't have that? [groans] Is anyone here to get an ambulance license?

Comic Book Guy: That'll be mine!

Patty: Here you go! [gives him a license]

Comic Book Guy: I lied! [runs away]

Marge: Now, put your good clothes on.

Lisa: I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm 8 years old.

Halloween of Horror[edit]

Homer: I don't want to be rude, but you losers should go suck somewhere else.

Lisa: Why are you locking up the house?

Homer: [scared] Wha...? [heavily breathing] Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? [laughs] It's all just stuff I'm saying!

Treehouse of Horror XXVI[edit]

[Bart enters the music room looking for Mr. Largo. A classic violin music plays on the background]

Bart: Mr. Largo? Hmm, something's wrong. That music is in tune...

Sideshow Bob: Hello, Bart!

Bart: Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob: 'Twas I who texted you... using Milhouse's phone! Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl Doll? Now let me put this in terms that a young boy would understand: [he opens a violin case and takes out a harpoon gun, then aims it at Bart while he speaks] you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky, but this... is... the final... plié!

Bart: [unamused] Yawn. You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead. [he does so with blue chalk, then makes a taunting dance] Bob and a spear gun, sitting in a tree, S-U-C-K-I-N- [Bob shoots him with the gun, impaling him in the chest; he doesn't seem fazed, at first] Ha! Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some... [he starts to falter] stupid... mistake...

Sideshow Bob: Not this time. [yanks the spear projectile from Bart's chest, pulling out his heart]

Bart: [in a weaker voice] Tell my father... he's... fat... [dies]

Sideshow Bob: [smiles in triumph] The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.

[Sideshow Bob has invented a Reanimator machine in the basement that can resurrect Bart]

Sideshow Bob: And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship! [He pulls the lever and activates the machine; in a second, Bart is born anew with no ill effects]

Bart: [gets sassy] You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back. [Bob pulls out a sledgehammer and kills him again with one whack on the head]

Sideshow Bob: I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made. [tosses the hammer and returns to the Reanimator] No worries, I'll just kill him again. [activates the Reanimator again and revives Bart]

Bart: [with a confident smile] That's why I'm the Unkillable Kid. [Bob arrives and hits him with the sledgehammer again, this time in the stomach, but nothing happens] Still not dead. [Bob gets annoyed and whacks him on the head again] Psych! [Bob then gets infuriated and whacks him in a frenzy] Ay carumba! [the whacking continues until his guts spill out and he finally succumbs to his wounds]

Sideshow Bob: We're both going to be sore tomorrow! [cackles in glee and revives Bart again, starting a death montage]

[Sideshow Bob, revived as a mix-and-match critter, finishes T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" he reads to the students at Springfield University]

Sideshow Bob: "...By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown

Till human voices wake us, and we drown."

[to the students] Any questions?

Female Student 3: [with Bart relaxing next to her] Yes, what are you supposed to be again?

Sideshow Bob: [responds in annoyance] A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow. [He looks up at Bart and mutters with a "Why I oughtta..." and grunting before he gives off a cluck like a chicken and lays an egg that rolls in front of him. At once, he feels humiliated and embarrassed.]

Lisa: Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.

Grampa Simp-san: Who is more foolish-the fool, or the fool who thinks the fool a fool?

Bart: What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san?

Grampa Simp-san: For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all. [Bart and Lisa laugh]

Bart: He is foolish!

Lisa: So foolish! [laughs and turns to Grampa Simp-san] Doesn't mean you are not special.

Milhouse: Okay, guys. My cellphone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze. Now each grab one ankle while I dive in!

Lisa: We have to be careful, Milhouse. There's no telling what that stu- Bart! What are you doing?!

Bart: [with a green "beard" made from the ooze] Madam, how do you do?

Lisa: [offscreen voice] You don't know what that stuff is doing to you!

Bart: Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work! [reveals that the ooze is radioactive waste from the nuclear plant] To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's m- [a bubble with the radioactive ooze blows up, throwing them out of the hole]

Friend with Benefit[edit]

Lisa: Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and [in a spooky tone] I'll tell you how! It's with a needle and thread!

Harper: I like magic. I'm going to take one of your cards. [takes one of them and performs a magic trick, making the cards multiply] Or did I take 52?

Lisa: [gasps] Do you want to join in? You could be president! Just man the booth, I need to go to the bathroom.

Harper: I'd love to join. Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out. [looks at Ralph's Hug Club]

Ralph: Hug me! Hug me! [someone puts a "Warning, Do not hug" sign on him] Hug me!

Harper: I'm Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.

Lisa: Lisa. Always been here. Trying to make friends. [they hug]

Groundskeeper Willie: Well, I've got news for all of your clubs! It's 3 p.m., so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers!

[turns the sprinklers on, scaring all the kids]

Homer: Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?

Marge: I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

Lisa with an 'S'[edit]

[Marge and Bart are trying to talk with Lisa via Skype]

Marge: Are you sure you set it up right?

Bart: Yes!

Marge: Then why aren't we skyping?

Bart: I don't know, maybe Lisa's drugged-out.

Marge: My daughter is not drugged-out!

Bart: Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discoteques.

Marge: How do you know about all-night discoteques?

Bart: We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom. He's a resource. Use him! [Skype tone plays]

Paths of Glory[edit]

[Homer and Marge are sad, eating pizza after taking Bart to the asylum. Lisa enters the kitchen]

Lisa: Mom! Dad! I've discovered the most amazing thing, I can't wait... hum... Where's Bart?

Marge: He's safe.

Homer: And more importantly: We're safe.

Marge: [sobs] I miss him so much! [combs Santa's Little Helper's fur like Bart's hair]

Lisa: Hmm... Can I call him?

Homer: You can call his guard, Tico. He picks up sometimes.

Lisa: I see... Okay... I'll do that. [leaves]

Marge: Homie, where did we go wrong?

Homer: I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. We did everything we could for him during the commercials.

Barthood[edit]

[6 years old Bart and Homer are laying down on the grass looking to the sky]

Bart: Why is the sky blue?

Homer: Hmm... I don't know. Just is.

Bart: Why are the clouds white?

Homer: No clue.

Bart: Why are people yellow?

Homer: It's the way God made them.

Bart: Why is grass green?

Homer: So you can find your damn golf ball! Now I have a question for you: Why did you leave your toy car on the stairs? [the camera zooms out, revealing many injuries on Homer's body]

Bart: Why is blood red?

Homer: Why do you ask?

Bart: It's coming out of your ear.

Homer: D'oh!

The Girl Code[edit]

Homer: Computers? Pasty weirdos? Backslashes? Goth Lisa?! What's going on here?

Lisa: [to Homer] In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.

Homer: Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction?

Lisa: Relax, Dad. All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.

Quinn: If we can solve our backened server issues... [Homer moans]

Lisa: ...And maximize our query speed... [Homer moans]

Quinn: ...Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing. [Homer moans]

Lisa: And JezeBot. [Homer moans]

Quinn: And our AMA subreddit will be trending [Homer moans]

Lisa: Giga-trending!

Homer: Aah! I hate the modern world and all its crazy words! [on the phone] Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer. [a drone enters from the window and gives Homer a Duff Beer can]

Sideshow Mel: I'd pay a fortune for that app! $1.99!

Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles[edit]

[Lisa gets a message on her cellphone]

Lisa: Oh my god! I just got invited to my first third grade party!

Homer: Are the parents gonna be home?

Lisa: Yes.

Homer: Pft! Lame!

Bart: Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches. Which is better? A, [changes it to a downwards position] or B? [keeps changing it between upwards and downwards] A or B? A or B? A or B!? A or... B?

Lisa: B.

Marge: A.

Homer: N.

Lisa: NOOOO! No, no, no, nooooo!

Bart: What happened? Did jazz die?

Lisa: [enters Homer and Marge's bedroom] Look at me! [the camera turns around, revealing her face with acne]

Marge: Acne!? But she's only 8!

Lisa: [worried] Somehow I'm becoming the Squeaky-Voiced Teen! [with a squeaky voice] Do you want fries with that? [back to her normal voice] What am I saying!?

Bart: I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present. I've got a starter 'stache! Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv! I've got to buy a van.

Lisa: [cries] This isn't fair, I'm not ready for my awkward years. This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud!

Lisa: [thinking] Oh, my God, I'm popular! Hope this doesn't go to my head. It went right to my head! Aaaah!

Much Apu About Something[edit]

Jay: [to Apu] That's exactly what I'm talking to you about. You're my uncle and I love you, but you're a stereotype, man. Take a penny, leave a penny. I'm Indian, I do yoga. Why don't you go back to the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones!

Apu: This stereotype will no longer be a troublesome potato in your spicy vindaloo!

Jay: I was kind of a douchewheel.

Apu: Even your way of apologizing offends me.

Lisa: Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.

Bart: I see love.

Lisa: Unconditional love.

Bart: Which means I can so whatever I want!

Lisa: D'oh!

Mayor Quimby: Springfield has more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any other non-Chicago city.

Apu: [reads a Playdude magazine] Before I die, I would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines.

Sanjay: What is it, brother?

Apu: An interview with... Jim Gaffigan.

Apu: Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?

Marge: Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?

Homer: Marge, he's got nine lives.

Apu: I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.

Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4[edit]

Power Plant Employee: Hey, Professor, I didn't know you worked here at the plant!

Professor Frink: I consult! Sometimes they listen, sometimes not. People have died... [whispering] You didn't hear that from me!

Power Plant Employee: So, who are you here with?

Professor Frink: Well, no one as yet. But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm! [to a woman] Hello there. vo-ivy. [she ignores him and enters the reactor core room, making Frank sad] Well, there's, uh... no mistaking that message.

Gal of Constant Sorrow[edit]

Marge: Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.

Homer: Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!

Marge: That's how you say it. Handy man.

Homer: It's handyman!

Marge: That's what I said! handy [pause] man.

Homer: [angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...

Marge: A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]

Bart: Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.

Homer: I'll paperweight you! [sits on Bart]

Marge: Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.

Homer: I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?

Marge: There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]

Lisa the Veterinarian[edit]

Homer: Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.

Marge: Well, as a mother, I...

Bart: We all know you're a mother.

Marge: As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.

Ralph: [drowning] I'm finding Nemo! [he disappears underwater and leaves through a pipe] I saw heaven!

The Marge-ian Chronicles[edit]

Homer: Hey, Flanders! Gas up your leaf blower much? [notices Flanders' hen house] Chickens?! Since when do you have chickens?

Ned: Oh, about six months.

Homer: Well, they've been driving me crazy. Get rid of them!

Ned: [chuckles] Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.

Homer: Chickens. You have yourself a perfectly good coop, and that's what you keep in it? [whistles]

Ned: Oh, Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg! [to Rod and Todd] How do you want 'em, boys?

Rod and Todd: Coddled! Coddled! Coddled!

Ned: [chuckles] What is it about boys and their coddled eggs?

The Burns Cage[edit]

[Smithers saves Mr. Burns' life after a parachute jump gone wrong]

Mr. Burns: [steps on Smithers' head] I did it! All by myself! [looks at Waylon] Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?

Smithers: Sorry, sir. If there was a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.

Smithers: Mr. Burns, coming down I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is, sir, I'm in love with...

Mr. Burns: The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood, I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune! Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? [Smithers removes the popcorn stuck in Burn's teeth] I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late!

How Lisa Got Her Marge Back[edit]

[Bart prepares his money pulling prank and Hans Moleman is walking down the street]

Bart: Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]

Moleman: Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly] Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]

Cletus: Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]

Kirk: [to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.

Luann: Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]

Milhouse: Yay! School clothes!

Bart: [to Homer, who's watching football] Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!

Homer: Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes! Play stands!

Lisa: Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.

Marge: [groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]

Homer: Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]

Fland Canyon[edit]

[Homer puts Maggie to sleep]

Marge: Did you put the baby to sleep? [Maggie wakes up]

Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Oh... I can't read that again. I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.

Homer: Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods. [Maggie sucks her pacifier] Suck, suck indeed! And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.

Rev. Lovejoy: Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.

Homer: When God came for Sunday I said nothing. Now he comes for Saturday.

Ned: Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well... [scoffs] that just curls my 'stache! [his mustache curls a bit]

Homer: Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it?

Ned: Oh, where does the Bible say "zip it"!?

Homer: It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses! [a homeless man approaches Homer]

Homeless Man: Thank you for teaching us Scripture. [hugs Homer while he shows his tongue to Ned] Thank you.

To Courier with Love[edit]

Marge: Homer, you have to do more!

Homer: Ook?!

Marge: I'm getting tired of your "Ooks". I can't do this alone. Where's your chore list?

Homer: Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated. And to make sure I do it... [shows Marge a doodle of her on the back of the chore list] Hmm?

[Marge groans]

[Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie find an old car on the garage]

Lisa: I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.

Homer: Holy moly, a valuable antique car! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.

[Homer enters the car and starts the engine]

Lisa: Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?

Homer: Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.

Bart: Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!

Homer: Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!

Homer: Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!

Marge: I'm glad you had a good day.

Homer: You don't sound glad.

Marge: I'm not glad.

Homer: But you said you were glad!

Marge: You need to read between the lines.

Homer: Why? There's just white space there.

Marge: [crying] I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks!

[sobs and grabs a box of tissues]

Homer: [thinking] Uh-oh. Tissues. [Marge lays down on the bed] W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...

Marge: Your hands smell like steering wheel.

Homer: Poor Marge. What do I do? Help me, universe! [the doorbell rings and Homer opens the door] Jay Leno?!

Jay Leno: Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior. Man, I... I'd like to buy it!

Homer: You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.

Jay Leno: How much you want?

Homer: I said no questions!

Simprovised[edit]

Chief Wiggum: [at the evidence locker] Let's see... Present for Ralph, present for Ralph... Ooh, what do we have here? [grabs a crossbow] Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault.

[Chief Wiggum leaves the evidence locker whistling and encounters with Lou]

Chief Wiggum: Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.

Lou: Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!

[he runs outside the door, enters on a car and drives away]

Bart: Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...

[they see the cake deformed as Ralph's face]

Lisa: Too late!

Bart: Oh my treehouse sucks.

Nelson: Haw-Haw! You have class envy!

Mrs. Muntz: Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".

Nelson: Give me a dollar and I'll stop.

Mrs. Muntz: I don't got a dollar!

Nelson: Haw-Haw!

Marge: Do you want to practice your speech on me?

Homer: [chuckles] No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.

Marge: You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.

Homer: What?! No! She's the linchpin!

Marge: It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.

Homer: You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!".

[Marge stares at him]

Marge: I'm sure that'll be funny to them.

Marge: Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.

Bart: No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.

Marge: Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.

[a flashback shows Homer building the treehouse on a sapling]

Homer: I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!

Marge: I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you? Huh?

Bart: But you're an inside grown-up. Moms can't build treehouses.

Marge: You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!

Bart: Sounds good!

Orange Is the New Yellow[edit]

Lenny: Quitting time!

Carl: Quitting time!

Homer: Thank God it's Friday.

Lenny: Thursday.

Homer: Same thing. See you Monday!

Homer: [on a phone call with Marge] Marge, baby, I'm out the door.

Marge: Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.

Homer: Those people are horrible, horrible liars. See you soon! [hangs up the phone]

Mr. Burns: Simpson! Not so fast. Hold up one end of this poster! [Homer and Smithers hold a "Safety first, last and always" poster] Now use it to conceal this. [they close a leak with the poster] Excellent. Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours!

Lisa: [dressed as a seahorse] Mom! Mom! My costume for the science play is all wrong!

Marge: You said you were a seahorse!

Lisa: A male seahorse, with a pouch!

Marge: Males have pouches?

Lisa: Male seahorses' nurturing is one of the wonders of the world. You said you read the script!

Marge: Bart gave me a synopsis, I... [realizes that Bart made up the synopsis] Oh boy.

[Maggie spills her carrots and peas on Marge]

Bart: Mom, I'll clean that up for you.

Marge: Oh, thank God, some help.

Bart: Where's the mop?

Marge: In the mop closet.

Bart: Where's the bucket?

Marge: Under the mop! [Bart opens a closet] Other closet! [he opens the second closet and some things fall from it]

Bart: There's stuff in front of it. [Marge groans] Let me help! [grabs a box and two bottles fall from it and start crossing the floor] Ay caramba! Hey, there's wood underneath this linoleum.

Marge: Oh! Just go play outside.

Bart: Outside? Your loss.

Bart: Hey, Martin.

Martin: Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.

Bart: What the hell are you talking about?

Martha: Martin! [chuckles] Who's your new friend?

Martin: [whispering] Mother, don't blow this for me!

Martha: Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother. Where is she?

Bart: I'm here by myself. But I have a safety number! [calls a number on his phone]

Moe: Moe's Tavern. Homer ain't here, and for once, that's the truth. [Martha calls the police]

Chief Wiggum: Simpson, are you here unsupervised?

Bart: Yeah, and so what?

Chief Wiggum: I'd lose the attitude, "Sylvester Alone"! [Lou chuckles] Finally, a laugh out of Lou! Son, kids aren't allowed on their own anymore, now who said you could come here?

Bart: My mom.

Chief Wiggum: Ugh. Always the mom.


	33. Chapter 33 Supernatural Overload

Supernatural (2005–) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences. Season seven originally aired from 23 September 2011 to 18 May 2012.

Season 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Main

Contents [hide]

1 Meet The New Boss [7.01]

2 Hello, Cruel World [7.02]

3 The Girl Next Door [7.03]

4 Defending Your Life [7.04]

5 Shut Up, Dr. Phil [7.05]

6 Slash Fiction [7.06]

7 The Mentalists [7.07]

8 Season Seven, Time for a Wedding! [7.08]

9 How to Win Friends And Influence Monsters [7.09]

10 Death's Door [7.10]

11 Adventures in Babysitting [7.11]

12 Time After Time [7.12]

13 The Slice Girls [7.13]

14 Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie [7.14]

15 Repo Man [7.15]

16 Out With the Old [7.16]

17 The Born-Again Identity [7.17]

18 Party On, Garth [7.18]

19 Of Grave Importance [7.19]

20 The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo [7.20]

21 Reading is Fundamental [7.21]

22 There Will Be Blood [7.22]

23 Survival of the Fittest [7.23]

24 Cast

25 External links

Meet The New Boss [7.01][edit]

Castiel: Once you were my favorite pets before you turned and bit me.

Castiel: You're wrong. I am utterly indifferent to sexual orientation. On the other hand, I cannot abide hypocrites like you, Reverend. Tell your flock where your genitals have been before you speak for me.

Sam: What new boss?

Crowley: Castiel, you giraffe.

Bobby: Is your boss?

Crowley: He's everybody's boss! What do you think he's going to do when he finds out we've been conspiring? You do... want to conspire, don't you?

Bobby: No, we want you to just stand there and look pretty.

Dean: Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

Death: Annoying little Protozoa, aren't they?

Death: (to Cas) Stupid little soldier you are.

Death: Please, Cas. I know God, and you, sir, are no God.

Dean: Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my piehole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some Asian cartoon porn and act like the world's about to explode because it is.

Hallucifer : Hi, Sam. Long time, no spooning.

Hello, Cruel World [7.02][edit]

Dean: That's 12 hours straight. I'm calling that rested. Here - hydrate and, um, protein-ate.

Sam: Breakfast in bed.

Dean: Don't get used to it.

Dean: Well now wait, I got it. Why would the Devil holodeck you a whole new life when he could just kick your ass all over the Cage?

Sam: 'Cause, as he puts it...

Sam and Hallucifer Together: You can't torture someone who has nothing left for you to take away.

Hallucifer : Very good, Sam.

Dean : Okay, fine. But this Malibu dream mansion that he, he, he makes for you to take away is this post-apocalyptic mess?

Hallucifer : It had to be a mess, Sam, or you wouldn't believe it was your life.

Dean : Wait. Are you seeing him right now?

[Sam nods.]

Dean : You know that he's not real. Right?

Sam: He says the same thing about you.

Bobby: Course. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother's in the bell jar, and purgatory's most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but you know, yeah, I get it. You're fine.

Mrs Hackett: Did you know a study showed that 3/4 of doctors cheat on their exams? He might not know your appendix from your vagina.

Dean: If you think I'm leaving you here alone...

Bobby: Hey, what am I, chopped brains on toast?

Bobby: Either Sheriff Mills is having an ObamaCare insured opium dream, or something's eating folks down at Sioux Falls General Hospital.

Edgar: Why can't they scream?

Dr Gaines: Oh, I severed their vocal chords, of course. It was a delicate procedure, but very doable.

Sheriff Jodie Mills: Bobby Singer - my hero!

Bobby: That's the roofies talking

Dean: I am your flesh-and-blood brother, okay? I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out, Sammy. Believe in that. Believe me, okay? You gotta believe me. You've gotta make it stone number one and build on it.

Dean: You cannot be in that crater back there. I can't… If you're gone, I swear I am gonna strap my Beautiful Mind brother into the car and I'm gonna drive us off the pier.

The Girl Next Door [7.03][edit]

Dean: Where's the pie?

Sam: You got cake. That's close enough, right?

Young Amy: All the coolest people are freaks.

Young Sam: We're always on the road...I've seen the world's biggest Ball of Twine twice.

Young Amy: Three times! Not that big.

Young Sam: Right?

Young Sam: That's my dad and brother in the Impala. You're a monster.

Young Amy: You're a hunter. So you're supposed to kill me? And I'm supposed to kill you?

Dean: (after punching Sam for taking the Impala) New rule, you steal my baby, you get punched! What the hell were you thinking Sam! Running off like that! For all I know Satan could've been callin' your plays.

Sam: Look I see the way you look at me Dean - like I'm a grenade and you're waiting for me to go off.

Dean: Sam...

Sam: I'm not going off. Look I might be a freak but that's not the same as dangerous.

Leviathan: Plain old people taste fine, but everything is better with cheese.

Defending Your Life [7.04][edit]

Sam: (about the EMF meter) It's going crazy. Some kind of ghost maybe?

Dean: With a license? A license to kill!

Sam: Objection!

Osiris: Grounds?

Sam: Witnesses being called without prior notice.

Dean: Good one!

Sam: I saw it on The Good Wife

Dean: Wait a second, do dogs even have ghosts?

Osiris: Don't you think that your brother dragged you back into that catastrophic mess because he'd rather damn you with him than be alone?

Jo: He was right about one thing, you know.

Dean: What, your massive crush on me?

Jo: (smiling) Shut up. You carry all kinds of crap you don't have to Dean. Kind of gets clearer when you're dead.

Dean: Well in that case you should able to see I am 90% crap. I get rid of that, what then?

Jo: You really want to die not knowing?

Jo: You know, I'd never do this.

Dean: I know.

Jo: I guess it's his thing. Some kind of twisted eye for an eye.

Dean: Its okay.

Jo: No, it's not. You deserved better.

Dean: No, you did. You deserved better Jo.

Jo: Dean, my life was good. Really.

Dean: He was right you know, that dick judge - about me.

Jo: No, he wasn't.

Dean: You were a kid.

Jo: Not true.

Dean: You and Sam. And I just, you know... Hunters are never kids. I never was. I didn't stop to think about it.

Jo: It's not your fault. It wasn't on you.

Dean: No, but I didn't want to do it alone. Who does? The right thing would have been to send your ass back home to your mom.

Shut Up, Dr. Phil [7.05][edit]

Dean: You might see things different now, call it a runner's high or something. But that doesn't mean something is going on with me. Okay?

Sam: Yeah, okay.

Dean: No, don't say 'yeah, okay', like [mocks him] 'Yeah, okay'.

Sam: Yeah, okay.

Dean: It's kind of like Bewitched. Don's Darrin, doesn't even know it, lots of laughs until you cheat on your wife

Sam: A Bewitched reference. Really?

Dean: Hey, Nicole Kidman was in the remake. Redhead, hello!

Dean: That means we've got not just one pissed off witch, but two. It's full on War of the Roses.

Don Stark: Does 1492 ring any bells?

Maggie Stark: The man was about to set sail! He could possibly fall of the edge of the Earth! I took pity. So?

Don: I told you! Nothing happened with the Medici chick!

Slash Fiction [7.06][edit]

Frank Devereaux: Well I'll be darned. Psycho Butch and Sundance.

Dean: Nobody puts baby in a corner!

Sam: You know that's a line from...

Dean: Swayze movie! Swayze always gets a pass!

Leviathan Dean: (talking about a burger) You know, he has one of these every day? And in his heart, he thinks they're almost as good as sex. This? (gesturing with the burger) Is disgusting.

Leviathan Sam: (pushing away his own plate) Dead plants with creamy goo. It's like eating self-righteousness.

Leviathan Sam: You know I had a brother with this many issues once.

Leviathan Dean: Yeah?

Leviathan Sam: You know what I did?

Leviathan Dean: Mmm?

Leviathan Sam: I ate him.

Leviathan Dean: Of course you did.

Leviathan Sam: Idea: you want to trade? I mean, I'll take "Chuckles" over "Schizo".

Leviathan Dean: No, I like this one's hair better. You can stay in the big one.

The Mentalists [7.07][edit]

Waiter: (to Dean) You're a virile manifestation of the divine.

Woman: You're the brothers from the -

Sam: Oh, no, no, no, no. The Winchester guys on the news a couple weeks back? No - we get that a lot.

Dean: Yeah, no. Those depraved killers got put down like the dogs that they were. Us on the other hand, we're completely harmless.

Sam: He broke my spoon.

Sam: I mean, how many crystal balls do you figure there are in Lily Dale?

Dean: Somewhere between 50 and, uh, all of them.

Dean: Yeah. See, there's, uh, fake whoo-whoo crap, and there's real whoo-whoo crap.

Melanie: Well, yeah, but... ghosts?

Dean: Oh, trust me. There's a lot weirder out there than that.

Melanie: So "The X-files" is real, or you just stopped talking like an FBI agent.

Sam: Well, um... we're not FBI agents.

Melanie: I need a drink.

Dean: I support that.

Museum Curator: I'm sorry I don't normally do this during business hours, but do you know an Eleanor or an Ellen? She seems quite concerned about you. She wants to tell you, pardon me, if you don't tell someone how bad it really is? She'll kick your ass from beyond. You have to trust someone again, eventually

Sam: Says who? Look, I'll work this damn case, but you lied to me, and you killed my friend.

Dean: No, I put down a monster who killed four people, and if you didn't know her, you'd have done the same thing.

Sam: I did know her, Dean.

Dean: Yeah, which is why you couldn't do it. Look, I get it. There are certain people in this world, no matter how dangerous they are, you just can't.

Sam: Don't pull that card! That's bull. Look, if I've learned one thing, it's that if something feels wrong, it probably is!

Dean: Usually, yeah. But killing Amy was not wrong. You couldn't do it, so I did. That's what family does - the dirty work. And I woulda told you, eventually, once I knew that this whole "waving a gun at Satan" thing was a one-time show. I think it's reasonable to want to know that you're off the friggin' high dive, Sam. You almost got us both killed, so you can be pissed all you want, but quit being a bitch.

Sam: You were right. About Amy. If she was... just any monster, I'm not sure I could have let her walk away. I don't know. I mean, I'll never know.

Dean: So, what are you saying?

Sam: What I'm saying is... I get why you did it. You were just trying to make sure no one else got hurt. But here's the thing. You can't just look me in the face and tell me you're fine. I mean, you're not sleeping, you drink for the record -

Dean: Oh, here we go.

Sam: Look, whatever. Last one to preach, I know. But... Just be honest with me. How are those the actions of someone who knows they did the right thing?

Dean: You want me to be honest?

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: I went with my gut. And that felt right. I didn't trust her, Sam. Of course, ever since Cas, I'm having a hard time trusting anybody. And as far as how I been acting... I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause I don't like lying to you. You know, it doesn't feel right. So, yeah, you got me there. I been climbing the walls.

Sam: I know how that is.

Season Seven, Time for a Wedding! [7.08][edit]

Sam: All right, um... So, a little sudden. But life is short, so I'll keep this shorter. I'm in love. And I'm getting married... Say something, like, uh, like, "congratulations," for example.

Dean: What?

Dean: It's a waffle iron. Nonstick. You just... I actually don't know how to use it. We good?

Garth: He said you'd be all surly and premenstrual working with me.

Garth: Uh, here's the plan. I drop this lady at my cousin's. He'll stop anything trying to get her. We, uh, find Sam, hopefully fix this, everybody's home in time for "America's Got Talent." Now, you - you'll be living with a tri-racial paraplegic sniper until this all blows over, okay?

Crowley: I have one rule: make a deal, keep it.

Guy: Well technically, I didn't...

Crowley: There's a reason we don't call our chips in early: consumer confidence. This isn't Wall Street, this is Hell! We have a little something called integrity. If this gets out, who'll deal with us? Nobody! Then, where are we?

Guy: I don't know.

Crowley: That's right, you don't, because you're a stupid, short-sighted little prat. Now, hand the jackass over, I'll cancel every deal he's made.

Dean: What are you going to do with him?

Crowley: Make an example of him.

How to Win Friends And Influence Monsters [7.09][edit]

Dean: That's just great. This is stupid. Our quality of life is crap. We got Purgatory's least wanted everywhere, and we're on our third "The World's Screwed" issue in, what, three years? We've steered the bus away from the cliff twice already.

Sam: Someone's got to do it.

Dean: What if the bus wants to go over the cliff?

Sam: You think the world wants to end?

Dean: I think that if we didn't take its belt and all its pens away each year that, yeah, the whole enchilada woulda offed itself already.

Bobby: Stop trying to wrestle with the big picture, son. You're gonna hurt your head.

Brandon: Sidewinder soup and salad combo goes to Big Bird. TDK Slammer to Ken Doll. And a little Heart Smart for Creepy Uncle.

Dean: [talking through a mouthful] Oh, that is good sandwich.

Bobby: What the hell did you get?

Dean: New Pepperjack Turducken' Slammer - limited time only.

Bobby: Bunch of birds shoved up inside each other. Shouldn't play God like that.

Dean: Hey, don't look at me sideways from that - that Chinese chicken geezer salad there, okay? This is awesome. Like the perfect storm of your top-three edible birds.

Bobby: You don't shoot Bambi, jackass. You shoot Bambi's mother.

Dean: This is stupid. My sandwich didn't do anything. I don't know what you think you're gonna find.

[Sam unwraps the sandwich.]

Bobby: There's something wrong with you, Dean.

Dean: Are you kidding? I'm fine! I - I actually feel great. The best I've felt in a couple months. Cas? Black goo? I don't even care anymore. And you know what's even better? I don't care that I don't care. I just want my damn slammer back.

Sam: Dude, you are completely stoned, just like Ranger Rick was.

Bobby: Just like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's. And everybody's loving the Turducken'.

[Gray goo bubbles out from the sandwich.]

Dean: I think you pissed off my sandwich.

Sam: Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a Pumpkinhead...and is currently turning Dean into an idiot.

Dean: I'm right here, right here

Sam: So you think Dean's okay?

Bobby: Yeah, he's alright

Sam: Good. So... you don't worry about him?

Bobby: You mean before the turducken'?

Sam: Yeah. I kinda mean, well, like ever since my head broke, and we lost Cas. You ever feel like he's going through the same motions but he's not the same Dean, ya know?

Bobby: How could he be?

Bobby: You know, you worry about him. All he does is worry about you. Who's left to live their own life here? The two of you - aren't you full up just playing Snuffleupagus with the Devil all the live long?

Sam: I don't know, Bobby. Seeing Lucifer's fine with me.

Bobby: Come again?

Sam: Look, I'm not saying it's fun. I mean, to be honest with you, I-I kind of see it as the best-case scenario. I mean...at least all my crazy's under one umbrella, you know?

Dean: Remember when Crowley kept going on about hating Dick? *brief pause* well, I thought he was just being general.

Dick Roman: [After being sprayed with Borax] Sam... That is not how we communicate from a place of yes. That was bracing. Where'd you kids find this stuff?

Death's Door [7.10][edit]

Karen: You were expecting Farrah Fawcett?

Bobby: No, she always calls first.

Dean: We're coming for you, and not just to hurt you – to kill you. You understand me?

Dick Roman: Come on, Dean. I can't be killed.

Dean: You're gonna wish you could, then.

Dick Roman: [laughs] That's some conviction. You'd really crush it on the motivational circuit.

Dean: You're either laughing because you're scared or you're laughing because you're stupid. I'll see you soon, Dick.

Reaper: Bobby... you've helped. You got handed a small, unremarkable life, and you did something with it. Most men like you die of liver disease, watching Barney Miller reruns. You've done enough. Believe me.

Bobby: I don't care.

Reaper: Why?

Bobby: Because they're my boys.

Bobby's Mom: Why do you always provoke him?

Bobby's Dad: Because he's a bad kid, that's why.

Bobby: Well, that's a load of crap! Who the hell were you to say?

Bobby's Dad: I'm your father, and you show your father respect.

Bobby: The day he deserves it, you drunken bully! Punching women and kids, is that what they called "fatherhood" in your day?!

Bobby's Dad: You deserved it, believe me, you were nothing but ungrateful.

Bobby: I was a kid! Kids ain't supposed to be grateful! They're supposed to eat your food and break your heart, you selfish dick! You died, and I was still so afraid I'd turn into you, I never even had kids of my own!

Bobby's Dad: Good. You break everything you touch.

Bobby: ... uh-huh; well, as fate would have it, I adopted two boys and they grew up great. They grew up heroes! So you can go to hell!

Reaper: This is your last chance to come with me, and move on. For your own good, Bobby, let go... they'll be okay without you.

Bobby: Last memory, huh? Glad I saved the best for last.

Sam: Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. His eyes are open.

Dean: Bobby?

Sam: Hey.

[Bobby removes the respirator covering his mouth and nose.]

Dean: What – don't talk. Don't talk. A pen – I –

[Dean grabs the pen and chart at the end of the bed.]

Dean: Here. Here, here, here. What is it?

[Bobby writes "45489" on Sam's hand before smiling slightly]

Bobby: Idjits.

Dean: Alright scoot, jerkface, show your elders some respect.

Sam: You scoot, asshat. *tosses popcorn at Dean*

Dean: Did we get licorice?

Sam: No, we did not get licorice, we got good snacks. Licorice is disgusting.

Dean: I'm sorry, I-I didn't quite understand that, uh Mr. Peanut Butter-and-Banana-Sandwiches?

Sam: You know what, I stand by that sandwich! Nobody likes licorice, it-it's made of dirt!

Dean: It is a classic movie food! It's right up there with popcorn!

Sam: Popcorn, really?

Dean: Yes!

Sam: You're outta your mind!

Dean: What, it's like little chewy pieces of heaven!

Sam: Chewy pieces of heaven if you're a girl!

Bobby: [watches as Dean and Sam fade away]

Reaper: Well, Bobby? Stay or go, what's it gonna be?

Adventures in Babysitting [7.11][edit]

Frank: Sure you're not a Leviathan. Dick Roman's not a Leviathan. Gwyneth Paltrow's not a Leviathan...

Frank: You think it's this easy to see inside what's real, and also be bi-polar with delusional ideation. There's no pill for my situation sweetie-pop, so yeah the big mouths are onto me. Next question!

Dean: What was she doing?

Frank: Being a naughty, bossy little girl.

Dean: I'd hate to ask for that in the non-porno version.

Frank: Did I mention you look awful?

Dean: Yes, maybe because someone I cared about just got shot in the head. And this is like shoving a rock up a hill. And...screw you.

Dean: I'm not gonna quit. That's not even an option. I'm not gonna walk out on my brother.

Frank: Okay then, fine. Do what I did.

Dean: What - go native? Stock up on C-rations?

Frank: No, cupcake. What I did when I was 26 and came home to find my wife and two kids gutted on the floor. Decide to be fine til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you're alive and that's your job. And do it again the next week.

Dean: So, fake it?

Frank: I call it being professional. Do it right, with a smile, or don't do it.

Dean: You could too, you know. Go to college. Be a hunter slash pediatrician.

Lee: Ever know anyone who left the life?

Dean: No - they all get killed first.

Krissy: What century is this? No one fist bumps anymore.

Dean: C'mon. Give it up!

Krissy: You're a dweeb

Time After Time [7.12][edit]

Sam: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I hope you're watching cartoon smut, 'cause reading Dick Roman crap over and over again is just self punishment.

Dean: It's called anime. And it's an art form.

Dean: How does paper beat a rock? It's stupid.

Sam: What, you going to look at more anime or are you strictly into Dick now?

Sam: What's the plan here?

Dean: Don't die.

Dean: Does this mean that I'm an Untouchable now?

Eliot: Why do you think I went after Capone in the first place? Guy made the best hooch in Chicago.

Eliot: Let's go kill that bastard. Because that...

Dean: (Imitating Sean Connery) Is the Chicago way.

Ezra: Chicago way?

Eliot: Who the hell talks like that?

Dean: Sean Connery.

Ezra: So what bucket of syrup did you two idjits step into?

Eliot: Boo hoo, cry me a river, ya nancy! Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future?

Eliot: So enjoy it while it lasts, kid, 'cause hunting's the only clarity you're gonna find in this life. And that makes you luckier than most.

Chronos You want to know your future? I know your future. It's covered in thick black ooze. It's everywhere... They're everywhere... Enjoy oblivion.

The Slice Girls [7.13][edit]

Dean: I'll admit, it could be in the general vicinity of the ballpark of our kind of thing.

Sam: Yeah, uh, "didn't match anything human" usually seals the deal for me.

Dean: Anyway, I-I left the flask over here the other night.

Lydia: Yes, I found it. It was so beat up and old, I almost tossed it.

Dean: Yeah, well, the guy it belonged to was beat-up and old, too. But I was very close with him and I'd hate to lose it.

Dean: I know Bobby's got a Grecian encyclopedia of weird in here. I saw it last time I was looking through this stupid... Would it kill him to have a system?

Sam: He has a system. His files are set up like his brain.

Morrison: Wherever did you get it?

Sam: Uh, uh, uh crazy drunk old genius.

Morrison: Yeah, they always have the good stuff.

Emma: You're a good man. My mother told me that.

Dean: I seriously doubt she said that. And if you knew me you would seriously doubt it's true.

Dean: You're just as screwed up as I am, you're just...bigger.

Sam: Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't - don't get killed.

Dean: I'll do what I can.

Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie [7.14][edit]

Sam: So, we got dick on Dick?

Dean: That's a vivid way of putting it.

Dean: Hey, you spawn a monster baby and see how quick you want to dive back in the pool.

Dean: So what are we looking for? Octovamp? Vamptopus?

Sam: If it bleeds, you can kill it.

Dean: Shark week man. How do you not watch that? Whole week of sharks!

Dean: You scared of robots?

Tyler: (points to his eyes) They have laser eyes!

Cliff: If this is about the meth lab that fireballed up in Butte, it wasn't me. Okay, it was my brother, but, um, we got the same fingerprints.

[Sam pulls up to where Dean is waiting and gets out of the car, soaking wet and covered with glitter.]

Sam: [trying to be nonchalant] Hey. We ready? [off Dean's look, he sighs and spreads his arms] Okay, just say it.

Dean: [cracking up] I'm sorry, you look like you got attacked by some PCP-crazed strippers.

Dean: [trying to contain his laughter] Sam, I'm sorry for psychologically scarring you.

Sam: Which time?

Dean: No, I mean it. Leaving you there on your own, that was a dick move.

Sam: You know what? I actually feel pretty good about it. Getting my ass kicked by those juggalos was therapeutic.

Dean: You faced your fears.

Sam: And now what more could a clown possibly do to me?

Repo Man [7.15][edit]

Dean's Voicemail: Leave your name, number and nightmare at the tone.

Hallucifer: Oh well, that's every cell phone Dean's got. One of them should have picked up, right. Big brother's probably dead.

Sam: Shut up.

Hallucifer: He said "shut up" to me.

Hallucifer: That's what I'm talking about, Sam! Real interaction again, I miss that! The rapier wit - the wittier rape - come on, I'll be good, I'll even help you solve your little Nancy Drew mystery or whatever.

Sam: A demon summoning; why?

Hallucifer: Why? To summon a demon, jackass.

Jeffrey: I was a wreck, an emotional shell, a drunk. I was suicidal.

Dean: I don't usually endorse suicide, but, man, what stopped you?

Dean: He was a psychopath, Sam. That's what they do all the time is act. Act like they're normal. Act like they're not balls to the wall crazy.

Hallucifer: No, no, Sam. No nap for you, Sammy.

[Sam presses on his left palm.]

Hallucifer: Oh, come on, don't do that. Let's talk, Sam. I always enjoyed our special little chats. Don't you want to talk?

[Sam presses harder on his left palm.]

Hallucifer: Yeah, look at that. Something's definitely different now, isn't it? You let me in. You wanted me, partner. So you think you can use your little tricks to banish me again... [snaps finger]...like that? No. I do believe I've got you, bunk buddy. Got my finger wiggling around in your brainpan.

[Flames leap up on the bed around SAM. He flinches and twitches]

Hallucifer: Come on, Sammy! Come on! Say it with me now. Goooooood morning, Vietnam!

Out With the Old [7.16][edit]

Dean: What, are you going for, like, the Guinness record of caffeine consumption? That's like your fifth this morning.

Sam: Yeah, well, every time I close my eyes, Lucifer is yelling into my head. It's like I let him in once, now I can't get rid of him.

Dean: You know he's not actually...

Sam: Yeah. Yeah, no. I know. Uh, try telling that to the volume control inside my brain.

Dean: Dancers. They are toe shoes full of crazy.

Sam: And you would know this how?

Dean: I saw Black Swan. Twice. Hot tutu-on-tutu action. Come on, Sam, what's wrong with you?

Sam: Wow. The depths of your...

Dean: Could be a dead end, but I hear they have good coffee in Portland.

Sam: Dude, that's Seattle.

Sam: (about the ballet shoes) Do they... look like they're... your size?

Dean: Shut up.

Sam: Wait, a-are you –

Dean: Getting the strong urge to Prince Siegfried myself into oblivion? Yes.

Sam: You really did see "Black Swan."

Sam: Hey, with enough curse mojo you can turn a freaking pencil into a weapon of mass destruction.

Dean: You know, I wonder how old porn kills you.

Sam: Pretty sure you don't want to know.

Dean: Frank, hey, I don't mean to double-dip in your crazy sauce. No offense.

Frank: None taken, Fudge Pop.

Dean: Think you can crack it?

Frank: Can a dog play poker?

Dean: I don't...

Frank: The answer is "yes."

George: How 'bout you make me a new one?

Barista: How 'bout you eat me?

George: Don't tempt me.

Sam: It doesn't matter what I do, Dean. Lucifer will not shut up.

Dean: Even now?

Sam:He's singing "Stairway to Heaven" right now.

Dean: Good song.

Sam: Not 50 times in a row.

The Born-Again Identity [7.17][edit]

Hallucifer: Tell the nice tweaker you'd be sleeping right now if the devil would leave you alone...

Dean: How are you feeling?

Sam: (Chuckling) Maybe you should cancel my UFC fight.

Hallucifer: Yeah. Keep that sense of humor, Sam. It'll get you through this.

Dean: Sam, I'm gonna find you help.

Hallucifer: (Scoffs lightly) Now, that sounded a little cynical.

Sam: I don't think it's out there, Dean.

Dean: We don't know that.

Sam: We know better than most. It's all snake oil. Last faith healer we hooked up with had a reaper on a ?

Dean: (Sighs) Yeah…Sam, I remember.

Sam: I'm just saying…

Dean: What? That you don't want my help?

Sam: No, I'm just saying (sighs) Don't do this to yourself.

Dean: If I don't find something...

Sam: Then I'll die.

Hallucifer: Oh - you're upsetting me!

Sam: Dean, we knew this was coming.

Dean: No...

Sam: When you shoved my soul back in, Cas warned you about all the crap it would...

Dean: Screw Cas. Quit being Dalai-friggin-Yoda about this. Get pissed!

Sam: I'm too tired.

Emmanuel/Castiel: You're angry.

Dean: Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother's head.

Emmanuel/Castiel: He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?

Dean: Yeah, well, he's gone.

Dean: What Cass did…I just can't – I don't know why.

Emmanuel/Castiel: Well, it doesn't matter why.

Dean: Of course it matters.

Emmanuel/Castiel: No. You're not a machine, Dean. You're human.

Emmanuel/Castiel: Your friend's name was Cas? That's an odd name.

Marin: I saw you yesterday, you didn't look too happy with your in flight meal.

Sam: [to Marin; Lucifer blows through the salt circle] You're gonna have to do this on your own. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm just having a little...

Lucifer: Brown acid moment.

Sam: ...dizzy thing. It'll pass.

Lucifer: Definitely. When your heart stops.

Meg: You're an angel.

Emmanuel/Castiel: I'm sorry - is that a flirtation?

Meg: He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends actually.

Emmanuel/Castiel: We were friends? Am I Cass?

Dean: This ain't going to go well.

Meg: I dunno, I believe in the little tree topper.

Castiel: I remember you. I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn't you tell me?

Dean: Because Sam is dying in there.

Castiel: Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn't be here.

Castiel: We didn't part friends, Dean.

Dean: So what?

Castiel: I deserved to die. Now, I can't possibly fix it…So why did I even walk out of that river?

Dean: Maybe to fix it.

Castiel: I should never have broken your wall, Sam. I'm here to make it right. (touches Sam's head, Sam groans in pain)

Sam: (Looking at Castiel, while seeing him as a hallucination of Lucifer) You're not real.

Castiel: I'm so sorry Sam.

Dean: What the hell do you mean you can't?

Castiel: I mean there's nothing left to rebuild.

Dean: Why not?

Castiel: Because it crumbled. The pieces got crushed to dust by whatever's happening inside his head right now.

Dean: So you're saying there's nothing? That he's gonna be like this until his candle blows out?

Castiel: I'm sorry. This isn't a problem I can make disappear. And you know that. But I may be able to shift it. Shift? Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet. (Exhales sharply) It's better this way. I'll be fine.

Dean: Wait, Cass, what are you doing?

Castiel: Now, Sam… This may hurt. And if I can't tell you again... I'm sorry I ever did this to you.

Party On, Garth [7.18][edit]

Garth: Alright Jenny G, your ganking days are over. You've been Garthed.

Garth: No, how is that possible? I Garthed her!

Sam: I wish I wasn't like the damn tape from The Ring; I wish I wasn't okay because I passed on the crazy.

Garth: Cause Mr. Fizzles thinks that you're (deep voice) lying!

Dean: Put Mr. Fizzles away or Mr. Fizzles gonna go where the sun don't shine!

Tess: (suddenly) I drank a grown up drink!

Dean: What you mean like coffee?

Tess: (shakes her head)

Dean: (confused) Alcohol?

Tess: (starts panicking) It was an accident! Help me Mr. Fizzles! Don't let them take me away!

Sam: Have either of you ever heard of Thighslapper Ale?

Garth: Is that a stripper or a beverage?

Dean: Wow, party on, Garth.

Garth: I don't even usually drink beer. It messes with my depth perception - especially when I skinny dip.

Garth: Can I have some more Thighslapper?

Sam: No!

Dean: No - coffee for you Tara Reid.

Garth: I'm concerned Bobby might be haunting you guys. I brought it up with Dean but he shot me down.

Dean: Garth, leave it alone.

Sam: It's okay.

Dean: No, it's far from okay.

Sam: I already tried contacting Bobby-when that beer disappeared, I took out a talking board.

Dean: Without me?

Sam: I figured why drag you in, when it was something I could just put to bed myself.

Dean: And?

Sam: And if he was there, I'd have told you.

Sam: Can you even get drunk anymore? It's sort of like drinking a vitamin for you, right?

Dean: Shut up.

Garth: Come with me if you want to live.

Sam: They see a face in the crowd, we see a book falling off the table-same thing, Dean. I did the talking board, I ran plenty of EMF. When that beer went poof, I went a little nuts.

Dean: Yeah, why didn't you tell me?

Sam: Like I said, a little nuts at the time.

Bobby: I'm right here, ya idjit! Balls!

Of Grave Importance [7.19][edit]

Dean: Dick Roman is funding another archaeological dig. Guy moves more dirt than "The Drudge Report."

Sam: You know she and Bobby had a thing, right?

Dean: Yeah, I knew that...Really?

Sam: Yeah, kind of a foxhole thing. Very Hemingway.

Dean: Huh. She and I kinda went Hemingway this one time too.

Sam: Alright...well, that happens...

Dean: Wait, you too?

Sam: It was a while back. We ended up on the same case. She was stressed and I ...didn't have a soul.

Dean: That's a lot of foxholes.

Annie: Wow. Dead. Ghost. Me. Three words you never want to use in a sentence.

Bobby: Life wasn't comfy. Why should death be?

Bobby: Hi. I'm Bobby. I'm a ghost. Looking for a little ghost orientation here?

Bobby: All right now. I can kill werewolves, fix a Pinto and bake cornbread. I will be damned if I can't get Zen!

Dean: I hate these indie films. Nothing ever happens.

Bobby: We've got work to do.

Bobby: Hey boys.

Dean: [hoarsely] Bobby?

Bobby: [surprised] wait...you can see me?

Sam: So what do you think we should do?

Dean: We did what we should do. Now, I don't know.

Sam: I mean...do you think it's possible we can...I don't know, make it all work somehow?

Dean: I have no idea. Maybe? I've never heard of it. But you know what I do know? It ain't the natural order of things. Everything is supposed to end. You know, he was supposed to...Now, what are the odds this ends well? What are the odds?

The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo [7.20][edit]

Bobby: I got a glimpse at Dick's big plan, right before he Lincoln'ed me.

Bobby: This is about those Levi's living here one percenter style

Charlie: If you can't score at a reproductive rights function, then you simply cannot score.

Charlie: Dick Roman gave me an assignment

Harry: Is that good?

Charlie: It means the Eye of Sauron is on me.

Harry: Well, if you need anything I'll be back in the Shire.

Computer: How about a nice game of chess?

Charlie: Seriously? Wargames?

Dean: Perfect, it's in the middle of the Death Star.

Dick: Bruce Springsteen, Eli Manning and our own little Charlie? You know what they are? Irreplaceable. You're more of a Tim Tebow, Joe Biden type. You got no spark. In fact there's nothing in you. Except Harold's dinner.

Charlie: Why didn't you kill him?

Sam: Because we can't - yet.

Charlie: The really evil ones always need a special sword.

Dean: Charlie are you singing?

Charlie: I sing when I'm nervous; don't judge me!

Dean: Judgement free zone.

Sam: Who's your favorite Harry Potter character?

Charlie: Hermione.

Sam: Hermione. Well did Hermione run when Sirius Black was in trouble? Or when Voldemort attacked Hogwarts?

Dean: Seriously?

Sam: Shut up.

Charlie:No of course not.

Sam: What did she do?

Charlie: She kicked ass! She practically saves Harry in every book. And then she ends up with the wrong...

Sam: Stay on track. She kicked ass, right? So what are you going to do?

Charlie: Kick it in the ass!

Dean: I'm going to walk you through this.

Charlie: Okay.

Dean: Let's start with a smile. Relax, Charlie, you just got home and Scarlett Johansson is waiting for you.

Guard: Can I help you, miss?

Charlie: Hey...Bill. Charlie from IT.

Guard: Oh, burning the midnight oil, huh?

Charlie: Just like you. I mean, you're not at the gym. What do you...work out with all of your free time?

Guard: I try to get to the gym at least 3 days a week. Trying to get back to my fightin' weight.

Dean: [to Charlie] It shows, you look amazing. [to Sam] This never happened.

Charlie: It shows, you look amazing.

Dean: You ever do anything else with your free time? Like take a girl out for a drink? [Sam laughs]

Dean: [to Sam] Stop laughing, Sammy.

Charlie: You ever do anything with your free time? Like take a girl out for a drink? Stop laughing Sammy [realizes]...Um, you don't know that bar, 'Stop laughing Sammy'. That place is bringing sexy back. Which is easy because they kept the receipt...

Dean: Stop talking, Charlie.

Charlie: Stop talking Charlie...right.

Dick: You're kind of completing me right now Charlie. You have that thing, that spark that makes humans so special. Not everyone has it you know. Most people can be replaced, but people like you are impossible to copy.

Charlie: I left your dumb flask in the back seat by the way, worst good luck charm ever!

Dean: [hands her bag] Here you go.

Charlie:Thanks.

Sam: So listen, we can't thank you enough...

Charlie: Actually you can. Never contact me again...like ever. Deal?

Sam: Deal.

Dean: Keep your head down there okay?

Charlie: This ain't the first time I disappeared. [Sam and Dean give her a confused look]

Charlie: You think my name is really Charlie Bradbury? Please. So...good luck saving the world. Peace out, Bitches.

Dean: She's kind of like the little sister I never wanted.

Sam: We've got to talk.

Dean: You mean before we get back to the car, and the flask?

Sam: Exactly. So what the hell happened back in the lobby?

Dean: Man, if I had a free shot, I would have bitch slapped the hell out of Dick.

Sam: Yeah but, I mean, Charlie got her friggin' arm broken.

Dean: He didn't mean to do it.

Sam: Exactly. He's not in control. Not about Dick. That was vengeful spirit crap.

Dean: I know. But it's still Bobby.

Sam: But if he goes there, he won't be anymore. And then we won't be able to pull him back. And then what are we suppose to do?

Dean: I know... Let's just figure out what that thing we stole is...and then we'll figure out what the hell to do with Bobby.

Reading is Fundamental [7.21][edit]

Edgar: [Receiving a phone call from Dick Roman] Isn't it strange that someone would choose to be called "Dick?"

Meg: [On phone] What up, Bullwinkle? Just a little FYI call. Your boy's awake.

Sam: What? [to Dean] Cas is awake.

Dean: When? [Sam puts the phone on speaker] When?

Meg: Last night about eight.

Dean: And you waited till now to call us?

Meg: I've been busy with Cas. He's just a tad different than when he dozed off, 'kay?

Dean: What do you mean, different?

Meg: Hey, Seacrest, guess what – not a nurse. Just playing one on TV. Want answers? Start driving.

Meg: He's been like the naked guy at the rave ever since he woke up. Totally useless.

Castiel: Will you look at her? My caretaker. All of that thorny pain. So beautiful.

Meg: We've been over this. I don't like poetry. Put up or shut up.

Sam: Okay. So, Cas, you said you woke up last night?

Castiel: Yes. I heard a ping that pierced me, and, well, you wouldn't have heard it unless you were an angel at the time.

Sam: That's also when we opened this. [He hands Castiel a bag containing the tablet]

Castiel: Oh. Of course. Now I understand.

Sam: Understand what?

Castiel: You were the ones. Well... I guess that makes sense.

Dean: What makes sense?

Castiel: If someone was going to free the Word from the vault of the earth, it would end up being you two. Oh, I love you guys.

Castiel: Did you know that a cat's penis is sharply barbed along its shaft? I know for a fact the females were not consulted about that.

Castiel: This is the handwriting of Metatron.

Sam: Metatron?! You're saying a Transformer wrote that?

Dean: No, that's Megatron.

Sam: What?

Dean: The Transformer, it's Megatron.

Sam: What?

Castiel: I don't fight any more. I watch the bees.

Hester: You smote thousands in Heaven. You gave a big, scary speech. Then you were gone. What the hell was that?!

Castiel: Rude, for one thing.

Kevin: This looks like a sex torture dungeon. Is this a sex torture dungeon?

Dean: No this is not a sex torture dungeon...Get over here.

Castiel: You seem troubled. Course that's a primary aspect of your personality so I sometimes ignore it.

Hester: [To Dean] The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!

Sam: It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen angel.

Castiel: Well, you know me. Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters. (fills up vial with his blood)

There Will Be Blood [7.22][edit]

Gloria Jane: In this hour we'll go behind the scenes and answer the question everyone's been asking for months. What makes Dick so hard to beat?

Dean: Okay man I have read this more times than the Playboy I found in Dad's duffle.

Sam: Anna Nicole?

Dean: Anna Nicole. Ah, the good they die young, huh?

Dean: A little FYI. Bobby's officing out of the john these days.

Sam: Ahh - awkward.

Sam: Could've been a monastery. Monks get up at 4am to pray.

Dean: Ohh - Can't get laid, can't sleep in. That's a freaking tragedy... Okay, so alpha's camping next to a monkey house

Emily: What now:

Dean: We get you somewhere safe, circle back and ginsu these leeches.

Emily: What's a Kardashian?

Dean: Just another bloodsucker.

Dean: I can't do this. man I can't live on rabbit food. I'm a warrior!

Dean: Alright Sam - tap the keg.

Sam: Here?

Dean: Yeah Sam, look around; it's freaking Woodstock, everyone's hopped up on the brown acid. We don't need the song and dance. Give him a little prick.

Dean: I think anyway you slice it we've got Pac Man and True Blood in the same room.

Edgar: Mankind's a limited resource, after all.

Alpha Vampire: There are seven billion of them.

Edgar: Only seven.

Alpha Vampire: We come from you.

Edgar: Barely.

Alpha Vampire: I am the son of Eve!

Edgar: A pathetic mutt! Hardly one of us. I knew Eve... and honestly, your mommy was a whore.

Sam: But Dean, we gave up all our Vamptonite.

Dean: Wow you get a trophy in Stockholm Syndrome.

Alpha Vampire: Right, right, your flesh is crawling. All you want to do is kill me now. You hate having to wait and come back, and try again...

Dean: Pretty much. I wouldn't leave that head to close to that body for too long.

Alpha Vampire: See you next season.

Dean: Looking forward to it.

[Dick Roman throws a match into a bowl, summoning Crowley]

Crowley: Hello... [He looks up as the light fixture above him changes to a devil's trap] Dick.

Survival of the Fittest [7.23][edit]

Crowley: So, if you're suddenly calling, I guess you're up to speed on the Winchesters, which means you intercepted the Prophet. And the Prophet told you that my blood is the key to everything. You know what I like about you?

Dick Roman: Lack of pretension?

Crowley: You're smarter than you look.

Dick Roman: Oh, well, now you're just flirting.

Dick Roman: We need America. They're so fat.

Sam: We should call Castiel.

Dean: Dude, on my car...he showed up naked...covered in bees.

Sam: Yeah, I am not really sorry I missed that.

Dean: Well, I guess if we can't find a righteous bone in a friggin' nunnery crypt.

Sam: All right. Here – listen to this. Sister Mary Benedict, uh, taught the learning-impaired and died at age 23.

Dean:Eh, it's a little young. Find someone who's had time to cook.

Sam: Okay, well, there was, uh... here – Sister Mary Eunice. Uh, fed the poor, became Mother Superior at age 60.

Dean: Sounds political. Power corrupts.

Sam: Right. Um... listen to this – Sister Mary Constant, 83 years of quiet, humble nun-like goodness. What do you think?

Dean: Wow. I want to be more righteous just reading this.

Sam: Exactly.

Dean: All right, well, I lay odds on her. Here we go. Well... let's bone this nun.

[Sam gives him a look]

Dean: Sorry.

Meg: [to Dean about Castiel] Go ask him, he was your boyfriend first.

Dean: So, Cas, what's, uh, what's, uh, what's the word?

Castiel: Well, Dean, I've been thinking. Monkeys are so... clever, and they're sensible in that they leave the skins on the bananas that they eat. Is it really necessary to test cosmetics on them? I mean, how important is lipstick to you, Dean?

Dean: Not very. You want to come inside and, uh, tell us what's going on?

Castiel: [picks up bone and sniffs it] Mm. Sister Mary Constant. Good choice.

Crowley: Castiel. When last we spoke, you – well, enslaved me. I'm confused. Why aren't you dead?

Castiel: I... don't know.

Crowley: Well, do you want to be? 'Cause I can help with that.

Dick: Oh, eat up. The sushi's made of fresh orphan.

Castiel: Do we need a cat? Doesn't this place feel one species short?

Bobby: Going vengeful? It's an itch you can't scratch out. Look... I'm done. Go get Dick. But don't do it 'cause you think it'll scratch the itch. Do it 'cause it's the job. And when it's your time... go.

[Sam and Dean prepare to burn Bobby's flask to put him to rest]

Bobby: Here's to running into you guys on the other side. Only... not too soon alright?

[Dean sadly throws the flask into a fire and he and Sam watch as Bobby burns up as the flask melts]

Castiel: If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct?

Dean: I don't know. I guess.

Castiel: And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or... I don't die – I'm brought back again. I see now. It's a punishment resurrection. It's worse every time.

[Dean takes out a sharpened bloodstained bone.]

Dick Roman: And good on you! Pulling that together – A-plus.

Dean: Oh, you don't think this'll work, do you? You trust that demon?

Dick Roman: You sure I'm even me, Dean?

Dean: No but he is [indicating Castiel] See here's the thing about dealing with Crowley: he will always find a way to bone you.

[Dean stabs Dick in the heart. Dick pulls out and breaks the bone]

Dick Roman: Did you really think you could trump me?

Dean: Honestly? [pulls out the real bone] No. [Castiel holds Dick's head in place from behind and Dean stabs him through the neck] Figured we'd have to catch you off-guard!

[as energy waves emerge from him, Dick starts laughing before finally exploding into black goo]

Sam: Where's Dean?

Crowley: That bone... has a bit of a kick. God weapons often do. They should put a warning on the box.

Sam: Where are they, Crowley?!

Crowley: Can't help you, Sam.

Crowley: Sorry, moose. Wish I could help. You certainly got a lot on your plate right now. It looks like you are well and truly... on your own.

Castiel: Wake up. [Dean opens his eyes and sits up.] Good. We need to get out of here.

Dean: [Standing up] Where are we?

Castiel: You don't know?

Dean: Last I remember, we ganked Dick.

Castiel: And where would he go in death?

Dean: Wait. Are you telling me...?

Castiel: Every soul here is a monster. [There is a rustling in the trees.] This is where they come to prey upon each other for all eternity.

Dean: We're in Purgatory? How do we get out?

Castiel: I'm afraid we're much more likely to be ripped to shreds.

Dean: [Turns and sees two large creatures with red eyes watching him.] Cas, I think we better – [Castiel has disappeared.] Cas?

Supernatural (season 8)

Supernatural (2005–) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences. Season eight originally aired from 3 October 2012 to 15 May 2013.

Season 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Main

Contents [hide]

1 We Need to Talk About Kevin [8.01]

2 What's Up, Tiger Mommy? [8.02]

3 Heartache [8.03]

4 Bitten [8.04]

5 Blood Brother [8.05]

6 Southern Comfort [8.06]

7 A Little Slice of Kevin [8.07]

8 Hunteri Heroici [8.08]

9 Citizen Fang [8.09]

10 Torn and Frayed [8.10]

11 LARP and the Real Girl [8.11]

12 As Time Goes By [8.12]

13 Everybody Hates Hitler [8.13]

14 Trial and Error [8.14]

15 Man's Best Friend With Benefits [8.15]

16 Remember the Titans [8.16]

17 Goodbye Stranger [8.17]

18 Freaks and Geeks [8.18]

19 Taxi Driver [8.19]

20 Pac-Man Fever [8.20]

21 The Great Escapist [8.21]

22 Clip Show [8.22]

23 Sacrifice [8.23]

24 Cast

25 External links

We Need to Talk About Kevin [8.01][edit]

Sam: Maybe we should split up. Ask around. See if anyone's seen him.

Dean: Yeah. Asian kid. Yay high. At a university. That should be easy.

Kevin: What the hell happened to you guys?

Dean: Cliff Notes. I went to Purgatory. Sam hit a dog.

Crowley: Dean. Looking... well, let's just say Purgatory didn't do you any favors. Where's your angel?

Dean: Ask your mother.

Crowley: There's that grade-school zip. Missed it. I really did.

Channing: Kevin...what's going on?

Kevin: There is a demon in you and you're going to your safety school.

Channing: What?!

Crowley: Chin up, gentlemen. I'm a professional.

Dean: This ain't over by a long shot, Crowley.

Crowley: Really, Dean? Who writes your stuff? A marshmallow?

Sam: Kevin, how you holding up?

Kevin: Awesome. The King of Hell just snapped my girlfriend's neck. How 'bout you?

What's Up, Tiger Mommy? [8.02][edit]

Dean: You smell it, Sammy?

Sam: Burning flesh?

Dean: Revenge. So close.

Beau: Oh, if you're worried about the safety of the Prophet, rest assured we have a strict "No casting. No cursing. No supernaturally flicking the two of you against the wall just for the fun of it" policy.

Crowley: If you're gonna to make an omelet, sometimes you have to break some spines.

Linda: [slaps Crowley] Stay away from my son!

Crowley: Charming. Defiling her corpse has just made number one on my to-do list.

Dean: Plan C tanked.

Crowley: Maybe you should try Plan "D for dumbass".

'Dean: [To Sam after he suggests to auction the Impala] You say it and I will kill you,your children and your grandchildren!

Heartache [8.03][edit]

Dean: Wow. Guy goes to Purgatory for a year, all hell breaks loose. Check this out. Jogger in Minneapolis gets his heart ripped out.

Sam: I'm guessing literally.

Dean: Only way that interests me. And then, there's another article from six months ago. Same thing happens, also in Minneapolis. What's that tell us?

Sam: Stay out of Minneapolis!

Dean: If they are words. Sounds like babble to me. Wait a second.

Sam: What?

Dean: I bought a translation app.

Sam: You bought an app?

Dean: I know where I am at my best. And that is right here, driving down crazy street, next to you.

Sam: Makes sense.

Dean: Yes it does.

Sam: Maybe you're best hacking and slicing your way through all the world's crap alone, not having to explain yourself to anybody.

Dean: Yeah, that makes sense, seeing as I have so many other brothers I can talk to about this stuff.

Sam: Dean, listen, when this is over – when we close up shop on Kevin and the tablet – I'm done. I mean that.

Dean: No, you don't.

Sam: Dean, the year that I took off, I had something I've never had. A normal life. I mean, I got to see what that felt like. I want that. I had that.

Dean: I think that's just how you feel right now.

Bitten [8.04][edit]

Kate: Look. I mean, there's got to be an explanation for this.

Brian: Really?

Kate: It... was self-defense.

Brian: Eating a heart is self-defense?

Sam: Dude, two burgers?

Dean: Hey, I didn't eat at Big P's for at least a year, okay? Clear eyes and clogged arteries - Can't Lose.

Kate: (about Sam and Dean) First things first. Those guys... those guys aren't FBI, all right? I'm pretty sure that FBI agents don't say "awesome" that much, you know? And-and they definitely don't hunt and kill college kids.

Mike: Did-did they say anything else?

Brian: Dude, they just sat and talked about how they've been apart for a year. You were probably right about that whole office-romance thing.

Dean: Hey, Sam?

Sam: Yeah?

Dean: Do I really say "awesome" a lot?

Blood Brother [8.05][edit]

Sam: Kid's like 'Rain Man'.

Dean: He's like a crappy little credit-card-counting criminal prodigy Rain Man.

Sam: Well, he was in Advanced Placement.

Dean: Shut up.

Castiel: It does present a curious curl in the metaphysics, doesn't it? If you murder a monster in monster heaven, where does it go?

Benny: And this is the crazy aunt I want to take on the road?

Castiel: I am not your aunt.

Benny: What? Really?

Castiel: I have no possible relationship to your sibling offspring.

Benny: Now you're kidding me.

Dean: Oh, you two are killing me.

Dean: Vampire pirates? That's what you guys are - Vampirates!

Dean: What the hell do you know about the value of life? You're a vampire.

Benny: Yep. And I think we both know which of our kinds killed more humans.

Castiel: Well, statistically speaking, that'd be your...

Dean: Yes. Thank you, Cass.

Sam: So, you think I'm creepy?

Amelia: I think it's creepy that you buy all of your clothing at Army Surplus. White supremacists do that.

Sam: Yeah, but I'm not.

Amelia: Drifting serial killers do that.

Sam: Fair enough.

The Maker: You're right. I've been here so, so long, Benny. Seen all the outcomes, all the patterns a trillion times. It all means so little. This universe is a pyramid of despair, nothing else.

Benny: A little dark.

The Maker: I am evil, after all. At least I've had that much to keep me cold at night.

Southern Comfort [8.06][edit]

Sam: Hold up. Are you the new Bobby?

Dean: (to Sam) You shut your mouth.

Garth: Yeah.

Dean: (to Garth) You shut your mouth. What?!

Dean: I was in Purgatory.

Garth: Like the Purgatory Purgatory?

Dean: No, the one in Miami.

Garth: Man, that's balls

Dean: That's not how you say "balls."

Dean: What, you-you were a dentist?

Garth: Yeah, just for like, for a hot minute. Where did you think I got my first case?

Dean: Let me guess-Tooth Fairy.

Garth: Yeah. Man, I felt terrible when I ganked that SOB.

Sam: Uh, you killed the Toothy Fairy?

Garth: Yeah, man. I mean, not my proudest moment. But it happened.

Dean: So first, the mom goes Natural Born Killer, and now the son? Well, what do we got-a ghost with an Oedipus complex? (Sam stares) I don't know what that means.

Dean: You never even wanted this life. Always blamed me for pulling you back into it... Everything you've ever done since you climbed into my ride has been to deceive me.

Sam: What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean.

Garth: That's not Dean, Sam.

Dean: Mistakes? Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood? Check. Being in cahoots with Ruby? Not telling me that you lost your soul? Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you were doing all kinds of crazy? Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices!

Sam: Alright, you said. We've both played a little fast and loose.

Dean: Yeah, I might have lied. But I never once betrayed you. I never once left you to die. And for what? A girl? You left me to die for a girl?

Sam: Own up to your crap, Dean. I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you - you had secrets. You had Benny! And you got on your high and mighty and you've been kicking me ever since you got back. But that's over. So move on, or I will!

A Little Slice of Kevin [8.07][edit]

Dean: Hey.

Sam: You look like you've-well, I was gonna say, "You look like you've seen a ghost", but you'd probably be stoked.

Kevin: Mom! You've got to stop drowning me in holy water every time I go out!

Kevin: [Deciphering the stone tablet] The next is... "The demonic influence on the collective tapestry of the soul."

Crowley: Blah blah blah. Doesn't anyone ever edit this stuff? So far as a writer, God's a snooze. No fun at parties, I hear.

Kevin: From, the archangel... Metatron.

Crowley: The scribe... and suck-up. Took down God's word, picked up His cleaning.

Crowley: It's all very West Side Story, but let's be logical. You look like hell, and I should know.

Hunteri Heroici [8.08][edit]

Dean: What's the word, Cass?

Castiel: It's a shortened version of my name.

Dean: Yes, it is. I mean what's the word on The Word?

Castiel: [while trying to play "bad cop" screams into a woman's face] Why did you kill your husband?!

[later - Dean has pulled Castiel aside]

Castiel: What? I was being 'bad cop'.

Dean: You were being 'bad everything'.

Dean: She's right, you know. I mean, the whole heart jumping out of a guy's chest. The delayed fall. That's straight-up Bugs Bunny.

Castiel: So, we're looking for some sort of insect-rabbit hybrid? How do we kill it?

Dean: All right, well, let's gear up. It's wabbit season.

Castiel: I don't think you pronounced that correctly.

Dean: Cass. Let's go.

Castiel: [interrogating a cat] I've almost cracked him.

Dean: Now.

Castiel: Hey, I'm not through with you.

Cat: [behind Castiel's back] Dumbass!

Caption: Dean Winchester (Hunterus Heroicus); Dr. Mahoney (Grotesques Villainus)

Citizen Fang [8.09][edit]

Dean: You put 'Mostly-Okay' Martin on Benny? What is mostly-okay doing hunting at all?

Benny: Rogue vamp. Came into the cafe a couple nights ago, youngster, goes by the name of Desmond. He, uh, remembers me from the good old days.

Dean: Good old days?

Benny: I know it's hard to believe, but I haven't always been this cute and cuddly.

Dean: Every relationship I have ever had has gone to crap at some point. But the one thing I can say about Benny, he has never let me down.

Sam: [to Amelia] I don't want to do the right thing. I mean, this is the right thing, you and me, and maybe I'm going to Hell for saying this, but I'm not ready to give this up.

Dean: [to Benny] Guys like us, we don't get a home, you know. We don't get family.

Torn and Frayed [8.10][edit]

Dean: So who snatched Heaven's most adorable angel?

Crowley: What on earth could you possibly need now, Viggo? I've given you every torture instrument known to man. Short of a Neil Diamond album.

Amelia: Look last night at the bar.I just wanted to make sure it was know, peeping into my window.

Sam: "Peeping". You make it sound so,uh...

Amelia: Stalkerish.

LARP and the Real Girl [8.11][edit]

Sam: But the medical examiner said his body showed clear signs that he was killed by belladonna.

Dean and Charlie: The porn star?

Sam: The poison.

Dean: I'm noticing a lot of these maidens are checking you out.

Charlie: What? I can't shut this down. It's good to be the queen.

As Time Goes By [8.12][edit]

Dean: Dudes time traveling through motel room closets, that's what we've come to?

Henry Winchester: You're also Winchesters. As long as we're alive, there's always hope. I didn't know my son as a man, but having met you two, I know I would have been proud of him.

Everybody Hates Hitler [8.13][edit]

Torvald: (defiantly) Long Live The Thule! (the Golem snaps his neck)

Dean: Or not!

Aaron: Oh my god! These guys are psychopaths!

Golem: This boy knows nothing, observes none of the mitzvahs, labors on the Sabbath, dines on swine...

Aaron: Everybody loves bacon!

Dean: Well, now we know. Paper beats Golem, fire beats undead Nazi zombie freaks.

Trial and Error [8.14][edit]

Dean: I've got this killer mattress. Memory foam. It remembers me.

Dean: We've been down roads like this before, man. With Yellow Eyes, Lucifer, Dick Friggin Roman ... we both know where this ends: one of us dies. Or worse.

Sam: So you just up and decided it's going to be you.

Dean: I'm a grunt, Sam. You're not. You've always been the brains of this operation. And you told me yourself, you see a way out. You see a light at the end of this ugly ass tunnel. I don't. But I tell you what I do know, is that I'm going to die with a gun in my hand. Because that's what I have waiting for me, that's all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life, become a Man of Letters, whatever. You with a wife, kids, and grandkids, living out until you're fat and bald and chugging Viagra. That is my perfect ending and it's the only one I'm gonna get. So I'm gonna do these trials and I'm gonna do them alone. End of story. You stay here. Call if you need me, but if you try to come after me I will shoot you in the leg.

Sam: Closing the gates. It's a suicide mission for you. I want to slam hell shut too, okay? But I want to survive it. I want to live. And so should you. You have friends up here, family, hell, you even got your own room now! You were right, kay? I see light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sorry you don't. I am. But it's there. And if you come with me, I can take you to it.

Dean: Sam, be smart.

Sam: I am. And so are you. You're not a grunt, Dean, you're a genius. When it comes to lore, you're the best damn hunter I've ever seen. Better than me, better than Dad. I believe in you, Dean, so please, please, believe in me too.

Man's Best Friend With Benefits [8.15][edit]

Sam: I'm sorry, but I think Shemp was a funnier Stooge than Curly.

Dean: Curly was a freakin' genius.

Sam: I always found Curly's work a bit obvious.

Dean: It's supposed to be obvious, man! It's The Three Stooges!

Sam: [to Dean] By the way, I gotta hand it to you. It's been fifteen hours since Portia mentioned her ... night with James and not one bestiality joke out of you.

Sam: Ok, before you get pissed off, it isn't my fault. She just showed up at the door, didn't track any mud in, just wanted a belly scratch. I figured maybe she can stay the night and we'd find her a home in the morning?

[They enter the room. The dog that Sam let in has now turned into a beautiful woman in a black dress.]

Dean: She can stay the night.

Dean: Of course, he's got the booga booga on his side.

Dean: Well, kids, don't try this at home.

Remember the Titans [8.16][edit]

Dean: I got to say, I'm a little disappointed.

Sam:Yeah, because you wanted to shoot zombies.

Dean: Damn straight I wanted to shoot some zombies.

Sam:Uhh... we need to think. Dean, what do we know of that has...uh, Jason Bourne fighting skills, dies a lot, and has a history with violent women?

Dean:I don't know-you?

Dean: (after being referred to as 'Ghostbusters') Well, due to the fact that your son is currently, albeit temporarily, dead, I'm gonna let that one slide.

Artemis: [prepares to shoot Zeus with one of her arrows] You were my father. Now your somebody else. [fires but Zeus pulls Prometheus in the way]

Zeus: [to Prometheus] I never grow tired of watching you die! Your boy is going on the mountain.

[Prometheus shoves the arrow through himself and into Zeus, killling them both in a blast of electricity]

Dean: Cass, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for praying, 'cause in my book it's... it's the same as begging. But this is about Sam, so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind... and I don't now what's ahead. Or what it's gonna bring for Sam. Now, he's covering pretty good, but I know that he is hurting, and this one was supposed to be on , for all that we've been through, I'm asking you... you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay?

Goodbye Stranger [8.17][edit]

[Sam, Dean and Castiel rescue the demons' "hostage" and find it to be Meg]

Meg: Aren't you a little short to be a storm trooper?

Meg: Hi, I'm Meg. I'm a demon.

Meg: Do I look like Google to you?

Meg: [to Sam] You know, I get why Crowley calls you "Moose" now.

[Sam and Dean climb into the Impala and prepare to take off]

Meg: [to Crowley] No Cass in the backseat. Your stone is long gone!

[Meg stabs Crowley in the shoulder with an angel sword, slightly injuring him. In retaliation, Crowley stabs Meg in the stomach with his own angel sword, killing her.]

Meg: Why are you so sweet at me Clarence?

Castiel: I don't know. And I still don't know who Clarence is.

Dean: Listen, Sam, I may not be able to carry the burden that comes along with these trials, but I can carry you.

Sam: You realize that you kind of just quoted "Lord of the rings", right?

Dean: But come on man, it's the Rudy hobbit, and the Rudy hobbit always gets a pass. [Sam laughing] Shut up.

Freaks and Geeks [8.18][edit]

Sam: And I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

Dean: What like my feelings?

Sam: If that's what you want to talk about, sure.

Dean: Okay. I'll tell you what. Why don't I go get some, uh, herbal tea.

Sam: Okay.

Dean: And you can find some cowboy junkies on the dial.

Sam: Eat me, Dean.

[Sam gets out of the Impala]

Dean: And you know what? We'll just talk it out.

[Sam slams the Impala door.]

Dean: Good talk.

[Dean gets out of the Impala and starts walking after Sam]

Dean: Nay, great talk! Very healthy!

Sheriff: FBI? You're here about the Lady Killer Murders, aren't you?

Sam: The Lady Killer Murders?

Sheriff: Yeah, coined it myself.

Dean: Congratulations.

Dean: Look, last time I'm gonna ask you nicely. Take the damn guns off me, or somebody's gonna get hurt.

Aiden: Big talk.

[Dean easily disarms Aiden.]

Dean: I know. It is, isn't it?

Krissy You're all right for an old guy.

Dean: I'm really not that old.

Krissy You keep telling yourself that.

Taxi Driver [8.19][edit]

(Sam and Dean interrogate a Crossroads Demon for a way to sneak into Hell)

Crossroads Demon: I can't, its a secret.

Dean: We promise we won't tell anyone.

Sam: You knew somehow, right?

Bobby: Took a chance. 50/50

Bobby: What the hell is this?

Sam: All right, don't get all pissed off. Purgatory.

Bobby: Balls!

(Sam enters into Hell and he sees countless human souls being tortured)

Flayed woman: Kindness... please?

Jailed man: Heaven? Heaven? Heaven?

(Sam comes to a dark cell which has a young woman in)

Woman: You came. I knew you would. I've been praying... for so long.

Sam: No. No, I'm not Him. I'm sorry.

Woman: No. (She comes into the light) You came. I knew you would. I've been praying... for so long.

(Sam, confused, walks down the corridor, the woman repeats her prayer)

Woman: You came. I knew you would. I've been praying... for so long.

(Sam enters a gloomy, dank cell. Bobby's ghost is standing there facing the wall)

Sam: Bobby?

(Bobby slowly, miserably turns around, sees Sam and punches him out)

Benny: Truth is, uh... I could use a break from all this.

Dean: It really been that tough?

Benny: I'm not a good fit, Dean. Not with vampires and, for sure, not with the humans. I don't belong. And after a while... that starts to wear on you. Right?

Bobby: Dean spent a year in this place?

Sam: Running and fighting, all day, every day.

Bobby: Must have been hell on you not being able to get him out all that time. You did try?

Sam: Look, Bobby, Dean and I had an agreement, okay?

Bobby: I know that agreement. I taught you that agreement. That's a non-agreement. I get the feeling a lot must have happened while I was gone.

Bobby: If they give me a rocking chair up there, I'm raising hell.

Pac-Man Fever [8.20][edit]

Dean: Y... [looks up and see Sam's scruffy hair] Man, I'm telling you, give me five minutes with some clippers, and...

[Dean throws Sam a bottle of beer, Sam fails to react and the beer shatters on the floor.]

Sam: I'm sorry, I, uh...

Dean: That's why we don't have nice things, Sam.

Sam: [regarding Charlie's monster-filled iPad] I hate that. thing...I want one.

[later]

Charlie: [regarding John Winchester's journal] I hate that thing... and I want one.

Charlie: Come with me if you want to live! (Dean stares at her) I've always wanted to say that.

Djinn Teenager: My mom always told me not to play with my food.

(The teenager turns around and Sam stabs him dead)

Sam: Yeah, well maybe you should've listened to your mom!

Charlie: I love you.

Dean: I know.

Charlie: One last time, okay? (reading from the Hobbit) 'In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on, or to eat. It was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.'

The Great Escapist [8.21][edit]

Kevin: (to the Winchesters via video) I'm dead, you bastards! So screw you, screw God, and everybody in-between!

Castiel: (drinking coffee) You know, I remember when you first discovered it. Before you started brewing it, you'd just chew the berries. Folktale is true by the way, you learned it from the goats.

Naomi: Where is the angel tablet, Castiel?

Castiel: In the words of a... good friend, bite me.

Naomi: Oh, we'll bite. Don't worry.

Sam: You remember when, uh... when Dad took us to the bottom of the Grand Canyon on that pack-mule ride?

Dean: The what?

Sam: And uh-your mule kept farting. Like letting it go, like gale force?

Dean: Dude you were like 4 years old, I barely remember it.

Sam: (laughs) You rode a farty donkey.

Naomi: How dare you.

Crowley: I am the daringest devil you've ever met, love.

Crowley: Am I seeing this? How did you figure it out?

Kevin: It started when they forgot the secret knock. But really, it... it was the way they acted. I don't think on their best day Sam and Dean would go into town and get me a barbecue dinner, not when there are leftover burritos in the fridge.

Crowley: So... my demons were too polite?

Kevin: Yeah.

Crowley: Well, I'll be a son of a whore.

Dean: So you've been holed up here or... or in a wigwam, or in some cave, listening to stories, reading books?

Metatron: And it was something to watch. What you brought to His earth... all the mayhem, the murder, Just the raw, wild invention of God's naked apes... it was mind-blowing. But really, really... it was your storytelling. That is the true flower of free will, at least as you've mastered it so far. When you create stories, you become gods of tiny intricate dimensions unto themselves. So many worlds. I have read as much as it's possible for an angel to read, and I haven't caught up.

Dean: But are you in? With us, I mean.

Metatron: You really intend on closing the doors of Hell?

Dean: Seems like the thing to do, don't it?

Metatron: It's your choice. And that's what this has all been about. The choices your kind make. But you're going to have to weigh that choice. Ask yourself what's it it going to take to do this and what will the world be like after it's done.

Kevin: You know the Winchesters are up to the third trial? That they're gonna shut the door on Hell?

Crowley: I'm not worried, kid.

[Kevin picks up the demon tablet.]

Kevin: You have no idea what's on this demon tablet. Right, the power you could have gotten with this, if you weren't running around like a chicken with his head cut off.

Crowley: You think I can't make you tell?

Kevin: I know you can't. And you do too.

Crowley: You know what? I've already won. I have the angel tablet, you little smudge. And I got deals and plans up the jacksie. [he grabs Kevin by the throat] And I don't... need... you!

[Crowley slams Kevin against the wall and strangles him. Suddenly, Kevin's eyes start glowing white. Increasingly bright light emanates from him until Crowley is thrown back across the boat, hands and face burned.]

Clip Show [8.22][edit]

Dean: How you feeling?

Sam: Honestly, ummm... my, uh whole body hurts. I feel nauseous and like I'm starving at the same time. And everything smells like rotting meat.

Dean: I've had that hangover. Jäger, man.

Castiel: I like this bunker. It's orderly.

Sam: Oh, give us a few months. Dean wants to get a ping-pong table.

Castiel: I've heard of that. It's a game, right?

Sam: Hey, those chains look exactly like the ones in our dungeon.

Castiel: [Looking shocked and surprised] In your what?

Castiel: Where's the pie?

Chris the Attendant: I think we're out.

Castiel: You don't understand... [Grabs the attendant] I. NEED. PIE!

Waitress: Cool coat.

Castiel: No, it's actually quite warm.

Waitress: Cute and funny-okay.

Sam: So you really think this'll work?

Dean: Dude, we got needles, we got thread. We've seen Young Frankenstein about a thousand times. We're golden.

Sam: How'd you get this number?

Crowley: [On Phone] Ah, first things first... what are you wearing?

Dean: Oh, okay, hanging up now. Hang up.

Sam: What the hell are you doing, Crowley?

Crowley: Oh, Moosie, isn't it obvious? I'm killing everyone you've ever saved - the damsels in distress, the innocent whipper-snappers, the would-be vampire chow - all of them.

Dean: Son of a bitch!

Crowley: Son of a witch, actually. My mommy taught me a few tricks.

Crowley: What's the line? "Saving people, hunting things. The family business."

Sacrifice [8.23][edit]

Castiel: What was He like?

Metatron: Who? (looks up) God? Pretty much what you'd expect, really. Gruff, larger than life, bit of a sexist, but fair! Eminently fair. (looks at Castiel firmly) The Nephilim was a monster, Castiel.

Castiel: ...and the next Trial?

Metatron: (points across road) Across the street. His name's Dwight Charles. I've bee listening in on the angel radio. Cupid's frequency actually. And he is the next on their list.

Castiel: A list?

Metatron: To do the horizontal mumbo. Slap-buddies. (Castiel is confused) To find love! He is going to be zinged by Cupid's arrow within twenty-four hours, which is good for us, because the Second Trial is retrieving Cupid's Bow.

Castiel: No killing?

Metatron: No killing.

(The brothers are doing a deal with Crowley)

Crowley: Hello boys. What's that old expression? Success has many fathers, failure is a Winchester. Where's the stone?

Dean: You show us yours, and we'll show you ours.

Crowley: Really Dean, I'm trying to conduct a professional deal here, and you want to talk dandy bits? THE STONE! (Sam shows him their tablet) Wow, wow, slowly! There she is. (he shows them his tablet)

Dean: And the contract? (Crowley throws an extremely long piece of parchment) Yeah, I'm sure there's no hidden agendas in there!

Crowley: The highlights: We swap tablets, and you stand down from the Trials forever.

Sam: And you stop killing everyone we've ever saved.

Crowley: Agreed. (Dean pulls out a pen) Uh, uh, uh, nice try squirrel. Moose is doing his Trials, Moose signs.

Dean: No, he's not signing anything until I read the fine print!

Sam: No, I can read it!

Dean: You wanted me here, I'm here. But I'll be damned if I'll let him screw us even more!

Crowley: What's this? Trouble in paradise?

Dean: Oh what, and leave you here with the King of Hell?

[The church doors burst open as Abaddon enters.]

Abaddon: Hello, boys.

Crowley: That's my line.

[Dean holds his hands up, walks slowly toward Sam.]

Dean: Easy there. Okay. Just take it easy. We got a slight change of plan.

Sam: What? What's going on? Where's Cas?!

Dean: Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you're dead, Sam.

Sam: So?

Sam: You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can't do that again.

Dean: Sam...

Sam: [Crying] What happens when you've decided I can't be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another... another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother just...

Dean: Hold on, hold on! You seriously think that? Because none of it... none of it... is true. Listen, man, I know we've had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I've said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy...come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I'm begging you.

Supernatural (season 9)

Supernatural (2005–) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences. Season nine originally aired from 8 October 2013 to 20 May 2014.

Season 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Main

Contents [hide]

1 I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here [9.01]

2 Devil May Care [9.02]

3 I'm No Angel [9.03]

4 Slumber Party [9.04]

5 Dog Dean Afternoon [9.05]

6 Heaven Can't Wait [9.06]

7 Bad Boys [9.07]

8 Rock and a Hard Place [9.08]

9 Holy Terror [9.09]

10 Road Trip [9.10]

11 First Born [9.11]

12 Sharp Teeth [9.12]

13 The Purge [9.13]

14 Captives [9.14]

15 #Thinman [9.15]

16 Blade Runners [9.16]

17 Mother's Little Helper [9.17]

18 Meta Fiction [9.18]

19 Alex Annie Alexis Ann [9.19]

20 Bloodlines [9.20]

21 King of the Damned [9.21]

22 Stairway to Heaven [9.22]

23 Do You Believe in Miracles [9.23]

24 Cast

25 External links

I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here [9.01][edit]

Dean: You're a doctor. You're a medical professional. You're trying to tell me that my brother's life is in God's hands? What, is that supposed to be a comfort? God has nothing to do with this equation at all.

Dean: Just because you're dying doesn't mean you're dead, not yet, OK? We have jimmied ourselves out of worse. We're gonna fight this. I got the plan, you just need to hang on.

Sam: If you're you, but you're really me, and you're the part of me that wants to fight to live.

Dean: Yes. I have no idea what you just said, but continue.

Biker (to Castiel): I'm going to finish the call, then I'm gonna stab you.

Dean (to Castiel): There is a war on, and it's on you. There's thousands of them out there. You said you lost your Grace. That means you're human. That means you bleed and you read and you sleep and all the things you never had to worry about before.

Dean: Cass, you there? Sammy's hurt - he's hurt pretty bad. And I know that you think that I am pissed at you. But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did, or didn't, do, we'll work it out. Please man, I need you here.

Dean: I've got the King of Hell in my trunk.

Death: [to Sam] I consider it to be quite the honor to be collecting the likes of Sam Winchester. I try so hard not to pass judgment at times like this, not my bag, you see, but you? Well played, my boy.

Sam: [to Death] I need to know one thing. If I go with you, can you promise that this time it will be final? I mean, if I'm dead, I stay dead. Nobody can reverse it, nobody can deal it away, and nobody else can get hurt because of me.

Bobby: All the good you've done? All the people you've saved? All the sacrifices you've made? You've saved the world, son. How many people can say that? How many people can say that they have left this God-forsaken hunk of dirt that a much better place? What you call dying, I call leaving a legacy

Dean: We keep it a secret for now. Or until Sam's well enough that he doesn't need an angelic pacemaker. Or I find a way to tell him.

Sam: You've been driving around with me passed out in the passenger seat for a day?

Dean: I mean, I stopped. Let a few Japanese tourists take some pictures, nobody got too handsy.

Sam: We got work to do

Devil May Care [9.02][edit]

Dean: And even with Crowley here, this is the safest place there is. And we need you man.

Kevin: Because I'm useful.

Dean: Because you're family. After all the crap that we've been through, after all the good that we've done. Man, if you don't think that we would die for you, I don't know what to tell you. Because you, me, Sam and Cass - we are all we've got.

Abaddon: You know, I've loved this body since the moment I first saw it. You're the perfect vessel Dean. You give a girl all sorts of nasty ideas. So go ahead and play hard to get, and I'll peel off this "no demons allowed" tattoo and blow smoke up your ass.

Dean: Look Zeke...I'm gonna call you Zeke

Ezekiel (in Sam's Body): [Head tilt]

Abaddon: I so appreciate you boys coming when I call. That's what I like most about you Winchesters. Obedient... and suicidally stupid. I like that, too.

Dean: We going to fight or make out, 'cause I'm getting some real mixed signals here.

Crowley: Torture? Brilliant. Can't wait to see Sam in stilettos and a leather bustier really putting the S.A.M. into S & M.

I'm No Angel [9.03][edit]

Castiel: Do you ever tire of urinating...I'll never get used to it.

Dean: Sam... You here?

Sam: Hey, Morning.

Dean: You been outside already?

Sam: Yeah, Woke up went for a run, beautiful sunrise, anyways cleaned up, went and got breakfast, grabbed you bacon and eggs extra grease not even gonna argue.

Dean: Perfect

Dean: I think it'd be better if you take it easy and didn't act like you were...

Sam/Ezekiel: ...possessed by an angel? He does feel better, a work in progress of course, but I am slowly healing him.

Dean: That's great...umm but...

Ezekiel: I have news, I've picked up chatter among the angels not all are wondering around in confusion.

Dean: Yeah some of them are after Cas.

Ezekiel: There is a faction that is rapidly organizing and finding human vessels to contain them.

Dean: Lead by Naomi?

Ezekiel: I have not heard that name no but it is this factions leadership that wants Castiel found, you see Dean I can be useful.

Dean: So can my brother so why don't you go check your email and if I need your help I'll let you know.

Ezekiel: Dean...

Dean: ...I said I'll let you know.

Sam: I mean Cass is human now, it's gonna take him a lot longer to travel

Dean: I'm gonna get whiplash.

Sam: What?

Dean: Nothing.

Bartholomew: Beautiful Buddy. One of your best.

Buddy Boyle: Oh, well that is a high praise Sir, seeing as your an emissary from that man upstairs himself, Thank you Bart.

Bartholomew: It's Bartholomew.

Woman: I give my vessel over to you.

Buddy: Oh, hallelujah.

Bartholomew: Yes, well if you're certain.

She explodes:

Buddy: Bart, what the hell.

Bartholomew: Buddy the simple truth is not all who are willing are designed to contain heavens grace, we have to expect a small casualty now and then. It;s a small price to when you think about it.

Buddy: Like the lamb of the sacrifice.

Bartholomew: Sure.

Slumber Party [9.04][edit]

Charlie: I took down a teenage vampire and a ghost. ...Which sounds like a Y.A. novel when you say it out loud.

Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! S-spoilers. I haven't read all the books yet.

Dean: You're gonna read the books?

Sam: Yes, Dean. I like to read books - you know, the ones without pictures.

Sam: Well, I'm sorry I haven't hung up the, uh, "Hang in there, kitty" poster yet, Dean.

Charlie: Holy crap! The first case investigated in this bunker involved Dorothy. She and the witch came into this room, and they never came out. This will never stop blowing my mind!

Dean: Okay, pace yourself, Toto.

Crowley: [to witch] Hello, darling. (the witch slightly burns herself trying to pass a warding sign) Sorry. This litter box is warded against everything, even wicked witches. Big fan. Love your work.

Crowley: (whistling Somewhere Over The Rainbow)

(Sam and Dean walk slowly into the room with their guns, wary of the wicked witch)

Crowley: Wow. If it isn't the Scarecrow and the Tin Man.

(Charlie and Dean are looking for the key to Oz)

Charlie: (looking at the first edition of Voluptuous Asian Lovelies) You keep your porn meticulously organized, but not-

Dean: Don't judge me.

Charlie: (after learning that several things from the Oz books are wrong) Stop ruining my childhood!

Charlie: (to the Witch) Now heel! (stabs the Witch in the head with the heel of the Ruby Slippers, killing her)

Charlie: (to Sam and Dean after killing the Witch) Ding Dong, Bitches!

Dog Dean Afternoon [9.05][edit]

Dean: All right, well, let's keep digging. [The camera focuses on an owl.] But, uh, not here. I don't like the way that one's looking at me.

Dean: Always knew I'd find the source of all evil at a vegan bakery.

Sam: What's that smell?

Dean: Patchouli. Yeah, mixed with depression from meat deprivation.

Sam: Hmm.

Dean: Hey. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And douchebags.

Dean: (after learning he is taking on dog-like traits) Ruh-roh!

Heaven Can't Wait [9.06][edit]

Sam: Well, maybe if we can decipher the footnotes, then we can reverse the spell and...

Dean: Punt those winged dicks back to heaven.

[Castiel is on a ladder, changing a fluorescent tube bulb..]

Nora: Hey, Steve? I found this in the supply closet. (She holds up a plastic bag) Do you know whose it is?

Castiel: Um... (comes down from the ladder) That's mine. Thanks.

Nora: I also found a rolled-up sleeping bag behind the tool locker.

Castiel: Yes, (thinking fast) I wanted to be thorough with inventory, so I worked late last week, and taking a nap here was easier than going back home to my bed. Which I-I have, of course – a bed...and a home.

Dean: I'm just saying we're not keeping him chained up for the one-liners.

Castiel: My Grace is gone. What did you expect? Do you have any idea how hard it was? When I fell to earth, I didn't just lose my powers. I – I had nothing. Now... I'm a sales associate

Dean: Wow. So you went from fighting … heavenly battles to nuking taquitos?

Castiel: (nodding) Nachos too.

Bad Boys [9.07][edit]

Dean: Hey, kid, what are you doing in here by yourself?

Kid: Fighting monsters.

Dean: What kind of monsters?

Kid: All sorts, with Bruce the monster smasher. (He holds up his action figure doll.)

Dean: Hm. Is that a cape? Little impractical for smashing monsters, huh? You know, you could choke—

[The kid activates the doll which says "I clobber evil!"]

Dean: (chuckles slightly) I bet you do. (holds out his hand) I'm Dean.

Kid: Timmy. (shakes hand)

Dean:Let's try that again. If you're gonna be a man, you got to learn how to shake like one, okay? So give me your best Kung Fu grip. Good. (They shake again.) Now look me straight in the eye. Let me know that you mean business. Shake as hard as you can. (Shake again.) That's it. You shake like that, you'll be all right.

Dean: Hey! Either of you touch him ever again, I'm gonna go all Guantánamo on you.

Young Robin: What's your dad do?

Young Dean: Boring stuff.

Young Robin: Do you like it?

Young Dean: (shakes his head) No, not really. But my dad expects me to follow in his footsteps. So I've kind of gotten used to it.

Young Robin: Yeah. I - I get it. My pops wants me to take over the diner? But that's not happening. So, what do you really want to do?

[Dean hesitates.]

Young Robin: (continues) I want to be a photographer and see the world, go to strange lands, eat crazy food.

Young Dean: I want to be a rock star, but... I also really like cars.

Young Robin: Being a mechanic seems rough.

Young Dean: What? No, no. Not at all. Cars are freaking cool as hell. Fixing them is like … a puzzle, and the best part is when you're done, they leave, and you're not responsible for them any more.

Young Robin: (Kisses Dean, he seems shocked.) Have you kissed many girls?

Young Dean: What? Yeah. Of course. Lots.

Young Robin: Really? (She grabs his collar) Well, I guess we'll just have to keep practising.

[Young Dean is fastening a tie.]

Sonny: Oh, look at you. You clean up good!

Young Dean: Thank you. You know, uh ... I've never actually been to one of these school dances before.

Sonny: Yeah. Look, about that, Dean, your old man's outside … and, man, he's really something. I tried to tell him what a big night it was for you, Dean, and ask him if he could come back later, but he just said to tell you he had a job, said you'd know what that means.

[Young Dean tries to hold back tears.]

Sonny: You know, after I got out of jail, this place gave me a second chance, and it's done the same for you, too.

[Young Dean nods.]

Sonny: So if you want, I'll stick my neck out for you, and I'll fight for you to stay.

[John's car horn honks outside. Young Dean goes to the window to look, and sees a very young-looking Sam holding a spaceship out the window of the car. Young Dean laughs, choked-up, and turns back toward Sonny, holding out his hand. There's a tear trickling out his eye as they shake hands.]

Young Dean: Sonny... thank you ... for everything. But I have to go.

Rock and a Hard Place [9.08][edit]

Jody: You know, I'm thinking whatever this thing is, it's not going after virgins, even born-again virgins.

Sam: It's taking virgins who break their chastity vow. So dragons are off the list.

Jody: I'm sor- dragons? Those are a thing?

Sam: Yeah. Too many things are things.

Dean: Made me want to join a mariachi band just to be near you.

Suzy: You're not like... the other guys in town, are you? You're kind of a... a bad boy.

Dean: I don't know. Why don't you ask me that in Spanish?

Suzy: ¿Eres un Chico malo?

Dean : Sí

Tammy: I'm calling the cops!

Sheriff Jody Mills: I am the cops!

Tammy: (after Sheriff punches her and her nose starts bleeding) What the fudge, lady?

Vesta: What's wrong with you?

Sam: [worried and surprised] What?

Vesta: Your liver. It's... it's no good. Dear boy, you're all duct tape and safety pins inside. How are you alive?

Holy Terror [9.09][edit]

Castiel: Didn't you say Sam was healed by an angel named Ezekiel?

Dean: Uh... Yeah, why?

Castiel: Ezekiel is dead.

Dean: What?

Castiel: He died when the angels fell.

Sam: What's going on? What are you doing?

Dean: I got to tell you some stuff fast. It's gonna piss you off.

Sam: Okay.

Dean: Those trials really messed you up.

Sam: Yes, I know that, Dea—

Dean: (hurriedly) No, you don't. I mean messed you up like almost dead. No more birthdays, dust to dust. Well, that messed me up, so I made a move, okay, a tough move about you without talking it over because you were in a coma.

Sam: Wait, what? When?

Dean: You were in the hospital, okay, and they said you were gonna die.

Sam: What did you do?

Dean: ... I let an angel in.

Sam: In what?

Dean: In you. He said he could heal you and he is.

Sam: He's still in me? Wait. (laughs) That's impossible, Dean. That couldn't happen. I never invited him in.

Dean: I tricked you into saying yes. It seemed like the only way.

Sam: (sighs) So... Again. You thought I couldn't handle something, so you took over!

[Dean is rounding the corner into the room, as Kevin screams.]

Dean: No! No! No! No! Kevin?!

[Dean runs forward, as Kevin's body drops to the floor.]

[Gadreel; possessing Sam, extends a hand pinning Dean to a wall.]

Dean: Sam?

Gadreel / Sam : There is no more Sam.

Dean: (gasps in pain)

Gadreel / Sam : But, I played him convincingly, I thought.

Gadreel / Sam :(after killing Kevin) I did what I had to do.

Road Trip [9.10][edit]

Castiel: Dean. If the angel possessing Sam isn't Ezekiel, then who is it?

Dean: A dead man walking.

Castiel: What, you're gonna destroy him?

Dean: Damn right.

Castiel: You kill an angel, its vessel dies, too.

Dean: Think I don't know that? If I don't end Sam and that halo burns him out and I... God, I was so damn stupid.

Castiel: You were stupid for the right reasons.

Dean: Yeah, like that matters.

Castiel: It does. Sometimes that's all that matters.

Crowley: How many times am I gonna have to say this? People in your general vicinity don't have much in the way of a life-span.

Crowley: Looks like we need a tiebreaker. Go get moose, squirrel... Unless... Unless, of course, you can't. That's why you're here, isn't it? The poor giant baby's in trouble again, isn't he?

Dean: Yeah, I got played.

Castiel: I thought I was saving Heaven. I got played, too.

Dean: So you're sayin' we're both a couple of dumbasses?

Castiel: I prefer the word "trusting." Less dumb. Less ass.

Castiel: It's his fault - all of it. The corruption of man, demons, hell. God left because of him. The archangels... the apocalypse. If he hadn't been so weak, none of it would have happened. You ruined the universe, you damn son of a bitch!

Gadreel: It won't work. You will never find your brother. Go ahead. Poke and prod. I can sit in this chair for years and watch you fail over and over again. I've endured much worse than this, Dean. So...much...worse. And I have all the time in the world.

Dean: If you mess with Sam, if you try anything -

Crowley: I keep my bargains. Besides, I don't want to be inside your brother any longer than I have to. I'm not one for sloppy seconds.

Dean: When you find him, say "Poughkeepsie." It's our go word. It means "drop everything and run."

Crowley: Fine. While I'm gone, hands off the suit.

Sam: [heartbreakingly] Did I kill Kevin?

Crowley: No, you didn't. He did. You need to take control, Sam. Blow it up and cast that punk-ass holy roller out!

Sam: (expelling Gadreel) I said get...the hell...Out!

Crowley: Go. The back door. I'll handle this.

Dean: Oh, 'cause you're such a good guy?

Crowley: Right now, I'm the goodest guy you got.

Dean: This don't make us square. I see you again -

Crowley: I'm dead. Yes, I know. I love you, too.

[Dean and Castiel help Sam out.]

Crowley: Pleasure doing business with you boys, as always.

Crowley: See, that's your problem, love. You think this is a fight.

Abbadon: It's not?

Crowley: It's a campaign. Hearts and minds, that's what's important. See, the demons have a choice - take orders from the world's angriest ginger - and that's saying something - or join my team, where everyone gets a say, a virgin, and all the entrails they can eat. So, think on this, lads. Spread the word - vote Crowley.

Dean: Come on, man. Can't you see? I'm... I'm poison, Sam. People get close to me, they get killed...or worse. You know, I tell myself that I-I... I help more people than I hurt. And I tell myself that I'm... I'm doing it all for the right reasons, and I... I believe that. But I can't... I won't... Drag anybody through the muck with me. Not anymore.

Sam: Go. I'm not gonna stop you... But don't go thinking that's the problem, 'cause it's not.

First Born [9.11][edit]

Dean: You want to hunt? With me?

Crowley: I do love a good buddy comedy.

Castiel: I enjoyed the taste of food - particularly peanut butter with grape jelly, not jam. Jam I found unsettling.

Sam: So, what? Now you can't taste PB and J?

Castiel: No, I-I taste every molecule.

Sam: Not the sum of its parts, huh?

Castiel: It's overwhelming. It's disgusting. [looks longingly at the sandwich] I miss you, PB and J.

[Castiel is healing Sam]

Sam: What?

Castiel: Nothing.

Sam: You're a terrible liar.

Castiel: That is not true. I once deceived and betrayed both you and your brother.

Sam: Well, they didn't have a guinea pig, but we do.

Castiel: [looks up very confused] You have a guinea pig? Where?

Sam: Me, Cas. I'm the guinea pig.

Crowley: Ah, that's, uh, a funny story, really. Bit of a misunderstanding. We really should -

Cain: [motions with his hand and Crowley is rendered speechless] Shh.

Dean: Oh, you gotta teach me how to do that.

Sam: [weakly] Keep going.

Castiel: Why?

Sam: We - we - we have to find Gadreel.

Castiel: [starts to remove the needle] No. Why must the Winchesters run toward death?

Sam: [Stopping Cas] No, don't. Don't. Don't stop.

Castiel: Sam, when I was human, I died, and that showed me that life is precious, and it must be protected at all costs, even a life as... as pig-headed as a Winchester's.

Sam: [Softly] My life's not worth any more than anyone else's... not yours or Dean's...or Kevin's. Please. Please, help me do one thing right.

Crowley: You're good... But I'm Crowley.

Castiel: The only person who has screwed things up more consistently than you...is me. And now I know what that guilt feels like. And I know what it... I know what it means to feel sorry, Sam. I am sorry.

Sam: I know.

Castiel: You know, old me... I would've have just kept going. I would've jammed that needle in deeper until you died because the ends always justified the means. But what I went though... Well, that PB and J taught me that angels can change, so... who knows? Maybe Winchesters can, too.

Cain: I can give you the mark, Dean, if it's what you truly want.

Dean: What are you talking about?

Cain: The mark can be transferred to someone who's worthy.

Dean: You mean a killer like you?

Cain: Yes.

Dean: Can I use it to kill that bitch?

Cain: Yes. But you have to know with the mark comes a great burden. Some would call it a great cost.

Sharp Teeth [9.12][edit]

Sam: [SAM notices a part of a scar on DEAN's arm] What happened to your arm?

Dean: [pulls up his sleeve so he can see it better] Oh. It's a... gift from Cain.

Sam: Like...the wrestler?

Dean: I wish. That would be awesome. Uh, no. The, uh...The Old Testament dude.

Garth: That's Dean. Now, he could start a fight in an empty house, but deep down inside, he's just a big ol' Teddy bear.

Garth: Yeah, because you two came busting in here like a house on fire. Guns waving, the jawlines and the hair - it's very intimidating! What'd you expect?

Sam: But something's broken here, Dean.

Dean: I'm not saying that it's not. I... I just think maybe we need to put a couple W's on the board and we get past all this.

Sam: I don't think so. No, I-I wish, but... We don't...see things the same way anymore - our roles in this whole thing. Back in that church, talking me out of boarding up hell? Or - or tricking me into letting Gadreel possess me? I can't trust you - not the way I thought I could, not the way I should be able to.

Dean: Okay, look. Whatever happened... We are family, okay?

Sam: You say that like it's some sort of cure-all, like it can change the fact that everything that has ever gone wrong between us has been because we're family.

Dean: So, what - we're not family now?

Sam: I'm saying, you want to work? Let's work. If you want to be brothers...

The Purge [9.13][edit]

Dean: Yeah, Why do I gotta be the lunch lady?

Sam: Since when have you ever complained about being around food?

Dean: Okay this is not food.

Alonso: Hey new guy, stop flirting with the trainer and keep scooping.

Sam: What the hell happened?!

Dean: I was drugged.

Sam: Dru... what?

Dean: [still loopy and lying on his stomach] Pudding. It was supposed to be for the clients, but I couldn't resist.

Sam: [picks up the bowl and smells it] What, salted caramel?

Dean: Yeah, man. The best of both worlds ... salty and sweet.

Dean: [looking in the supplement bottle] These aren't "supplements", they're roofies.

Sam: What? How do you know what roofies look like?

Dean: How do you not know? You think I want to end up in a hotel bathtub with my kidney carved out? In Chechnya?

Dean: You know, Sam, I saved your hide back there. And I saved your hide at that church... And the hospital. I may not think things all the way through. Okay? But what I do, I do because it's the right thing. I'd do it again.

Sam: And that... is the problem. You think you're my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in, and even when you mess up, you think what you're doing is worth it because you've convinced yourself you're doing more good than bad... But you're not... I mean, Kevin's dead, Crowley's in the wind. We're no closer to beating this angel thing. Please tell me, what is the upside of me being alive?

Dean: [shocked] You kidding me? You and me... fighting the good fight together.

Sam: Okay. Just once, be honest with me. You didn't save me for me. You did it for you.

Dean: [totally confused] What are you talkin' about?

Sam: I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died, but you... You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone.

Dean: All right.

Sam: I'll give you this much. You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you're not the one being hurt.

Dean: All right, you want to be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing.

Sam: No Dean, I wouldn't. Same circumstances, I wouldn't.

Captives [9.14][edit]

Dean: [On his phone] Crowley, it's Dean. Call me when you get this.

Sam: Really, Dean?

Dean: What?

Sam: That's your third unanswered voicemail. You ever think maybe he's just not that into you?

Castiel: I don't want to fight. But if I have to, I will.

Angel: I didn't come to fight. When I fell, I thought I had no choice, but yesterday, you've showed me that there is a choice. And I choose you.

Sam: And you were ours. And we failed you. I -

Kevin: Sam. I know that wasn't you. Go put a blade in that asshat who possessed you and we'll call it square... Guys. Thank you.

Dean: You can thank us when we get you to heaven where you belong. Okay, until then, enjoy your time with your mom. The, uh, uninterrupted, 24/7, no-escape quality time.

Kevin: Dick. Hey, before I go... Will you guys promise me something?

Dean: Yeah.

Sam: Anything.

Kevin: Can you two... Get over it? Dudes, just 'cause you couldn't see me doesn't mean I couldn't see you. The drama, the fighting... It's stupid. My mom's taking home a ghost. You two... You're both still here.

#Thinman [9.15][edit]

Harry:[sarcastically] Ah, the Winchesters. Yay.

Ed: Says nobody.

Harry: Ever.

Harry: And - and quit raining on my rainbow.

Ed: Rainbows can't happen without rain.

Harry: Don't try to use science with me.

Dean: You know what video would have gone viral, if we still had it? When you were five and you got dressed up as Batman and you jumped off the shed 'cause you thought you could fly.

Sam: After you jumped first.

Dean: Hey, I was nine, and I was dressed up like superman, okay? Everybody knows that Batman can't fly.

Sam: [chuckling] Well, I didn't know that. I broke my arm.

Dean: [laughing] I know you did. Man, I drove you to the E.R. on my handlebars. Hm, good times.

Ed: It's Scooby-Doo time, douche bag. Take off the mask. I know you're not Thinman. You're just a "me-me".

Harry: Ed, it's pronounced meme.

Ed: It's spelled m-e-m-e, though.

Harry: The second "e" is silent. Yeah.

Ed: You're a me-me ... a-a man-meme, and I invented you.

Ed: You roll with a guy so many years, you start to think he's always gonna be next to you. Like, when you're old and you're drinking on the porch, he'll be in that other rocking chair. And then something happens, and you realize that other chair has gone empty.

Blade Runners [9.16][edit]

Dean: He goes missing for weeks on end without a peep? Well, not one that makes sense, anyway. Listen to this.

[Dean sets his phone on the table and plays a voicemail on speaker]

Crowley: Dean. Um... [indecipherable ramblings]

Sam: Wait a second. Did he...Drunk-dial you?

Dean: Look at you. You're a mess. You know, we were counting on you. You let us down.

Sam: Your slimy followers were counting on you to kill Abaddon, and you let them down.

Dean: The man with all the mojo - Captain Evil.

Sam: Oh, it's pathetic.

Crowley: What is this? An intervention?

Sam: You need to focus, Crowley. Get a grip!

Dean: What, you just gonna let Hell go to Hell?

Crowley: You don't know what it's like to be human!

[Crowley is messing with a vending machine.]

Sam: [exasperated] What is Crowley doing?

Dean: Stealing candy.

Sam: He is ... he's ... he's stealing candy.

Dean: You know, at least when Cas was human, he was an okay guy. Should've known Crowley would be a douche version... [Shouting at Crowley] Hey. Hey! Cut it out, man! Image! You're the king of rotten. Act like it.

Dean: Well, you're looking good for a guy pushing...90?

Magnus: Well, thanks, sport. There's a spell for damn near everything.

Magnus: [Holding the First Blade] Should we fire it up? What do you say?

Dean: Go to hell.

Magnus: [Regarding the First Blade] Next time, it'll be easier. You'll get used to the feelings, even welcome them.

Crowley: I did good, eh, moose? Everything on the list. You're welcome.

Sam: Remember - stay close, do what I say, and shut the hell up.

Crowley: I'm growing on you, aren't I?

Mother's Little Helper [9.17][edit]

Crowley: You're lying to Sam like he's your wife, which kind of makes me your mistress.

Julia: You're one of them, aren't you?

Sam: Sorry. One of who?

Julia: Men of Letters... They came here in 1958.

Sam: Men of Letters... came here?

Julia: Oh, yes. It was different then.

Crowley: Last time we chitchatted, we agreed that you were gonna line up Carrot Top.

Dean: Yep, well...I'm on it.

Crowley: Unless Abaddon likes 10-cent wings, stale beer, and the clap, I doubt that she's here.

Crowley: What's in that bottle? Delusion?

Jake: For a second there, I thought he made me.

Crowley: He has other things on his mind.

Jake: But he did do exactly what you said he would. He saved you.

Crowley: Of course he saved me. We're besties. And now he's ready.

Sam: So, after all these years, you're still doing Abaddon's dirty work, huh, Agnes?

Sister Agnes: Would you believe it's gotten even dirtier? Used to be folks believed in the church. Heck, the way they would come strolling in here, looking for God. It was like fish in a barrel, really. But times change. You can blame your perverts for that. Now I'm riding shotgun in some smelly van with a handyman and tricking any half-wit I can lay my hands on. But it's worth it.

Sam: Because... Stealing souls is so noble.

Sister Agnes: Stealing souls is winning!

Sam: Winning what?

Sister Agnes: Hell's crown, nimrod. You think Abaddon is just gonna sit there while those pantywaisted demons refuse to pick a side?! And so she made a plan - if you can't convince 'em, make 'em.

Henry: This - our work... It's a noble calling, isn't it? I mean, yes, there's risk, but, gosh. I feel the fool for doubting it for even a second.

Abaddon/Josie: Hmm.

Henry: And you, Josie?

Abaddon/Josie: Me? Well, I feel like a whole new person.

Sam: You were right.

Dean: About what?

Sam: Finding Abaddon ASAP. She's mining souls.

Dean: Why?

Sam: To create an army.

Meta Fiction [9.18][edit]

Metatron: What makes a story work? Is it the plot, the characters, the text? The subtext? And who gives a story meaning? Is the writer? Or you? Tonight, I thought I would tell you a little story and let you decide.

[Castiel on speaker phone with Sam and Dean]

Castiel: [looking at the hotel room's honor bar] Honor bar. What's honorable about a miniature bar in a motel room?

Dean: Everything.

Castiel: [With a smile] How are you, Dean?

Dean: [Monotone] I'm fine, Cas. How 'bout you?

Castiel: [wistfully] I miss my wings. Life on the road... smells.

Gabriel: [with a porn-stache] Hello. Remember me, bucko?

Castiel: Gabriel?

Gabriel: [rips the porn-stache off] I'm gonna take that as a yes.

Gabriel: I never watched "Downton Abbey." I was just trying to fit in.

Gadreel: If this is like looking into a fun-house mirror for me, I cannot imagine what it is like for you.

Sam: [barely controlling his rage] How long have you been working for Metatron?

Gadreel: I will not talk, and you cannot make me.

Sam: Yeah?

Gadreel: I have been you, Sam Winchester. Your insides reek of shame and weakness.

Metatron: You have been around since scaly things crawled out of the muck. Would it have killed you to pick up a book, watch a movie? [sighs] Here. I know it's a bit of a retcon, but it's gonna make this whole conversation a lot easier.

Gadreel: So, he acts tough, and you show kindness. Is that how this works?

Dean: [his eyes dark] No. See, I don't care whether you talk. You're gonna pay for what you did to him...and Kevin.

GadreelYou really think Sam would do anything for you?

[Dean is heartbroken but hides it]

Dean: Oh, I know he would.

GadreelI have been in your brother's body, Dean. He would not trade his life for yours.

Dean: Well, thanks for the rerun, pal. Sam's already told me all that crap. Hell, he's told me worse.

GadreelHe told you that he has always felt that way... that he thinks you are just a scared little boy who's afraid to be on his own because daddy never loved him enough? And he is right, isn't he? Right to think you are a coward, a sad, clingy, needy...

[Dean punches Gadreel]

Dean: Keep it up!

Gadreel...Pathetic bottom-feeder who cannot even take care of himself, who would rather drag everyone through the mud than be alone, who would let everyone around him die!

[Dean swings his angel blade to stab Gadreel but stops at the last moment]

Gadreel [opens his eyes in a panic] No. Do it. Do it! Kill me!

Dean: [icily] Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? That's what that whole speech was about? You're not afraid to die, are you? You're afraid to be left in these chains forever. Well, you can sit here and rot, you son of bitch.

Sam: He's late.

Dean: Or he's not gonna show.

Metatron: [appearing] Of course I'm gonna show. I was just waiting for you two to finished setting up your little trap for me. Uh... Am I hitting my mark? Well, come on. Let's go. I'm waiting.

[Dean lights the circle of holy fire Metatron is stood in.]

Metatron: [Fakes a cry of pain then laughs] Either of you bring s'mores? Holy Fire always gives them a delightful minty aftertaste. Make a wish, boys. [Metatron blows out the flames]

Alex Annie Alexis Ann [9.19][edit]

Dean: I don't know, Sammy. Looks like Jody might not need our help anymore.

Sam: Oh, they grow up too fast.

Dean: Don't they?

Jody: Yeah, joke all you want.

[Sam is tied to a chair]

Connor Hell of a sight to come home to... Brother lying dead on the floor. [He rams the butt of the gun into Sam's stomach.] No idea it was a Winchester that had done it. So...Which one of you was it? Which one of you took off my brother's head?! Was it you? Was it him? Pretty fitting ... brother for a brother. This place has been a good home to us. But since you two had to come around and ruin it, we're gonna have to hit the road and find a new one. And when we hit the road... we like to pack a lunch.

[Connor cuts some surgical tubing and picks up a bucket and moves towards Sam]

Sam: Dean.

Dean: Yeah, I know. You wouldn't have done the same for me.

Sam: No. Jody.

Sam: Nice work back there. "Look at me, bitch?"

Dean: Well, hey, you got another snappy one-liner, I'm all ears.

Sam: What I'm saying is... it looked to me like you were enjoying it. Maybe too much.

Dean: And? Well, sorry for not putting on a hair shirt. Killing things that need killing is kind of our job. Last I checked, taking pleasure in that is not a crime.

Bloodlines [9.20][edit]

Dean: Listen, uh, Detective... Your, uh, perp fits a certain profile. Now, I could go into detail, but I'm - I'm not going to.

Ennis: And when I got to her... She...She ...

Sam: There is nothing you could've done.

Ennis: That supposed to make me feel better? Look, this thing wasn't human. So what are you gonna do about it?

Dean: I don't know what to tell you, kid. There's no such thing as monsters.

Dean: [After decapitating a vampire] He looks better with a little off the top, don't you think? You want to run, now's the time.

Ennis: I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what the hell's going on.

Dean: You should go.

Ennis: No.

Dean: All right, Sammy, give him the talk.

Sam: All right, look, my name is Sam Winchester. That's my brother Dean. We, uh... ...we kill vampires. And werewolves, and demons, and - basically, we chase down evil... And we cut its head off.

Ennis: So you're, what, monster cops?

Dean: Hunters.

Dean: All right, you're with me, Romeo.

David: Sounds good, Buffy.

King of the Damned [9.21][edit]

Crowley: You betrayed me? No one in the history of torture's been tortured with torture like the torture you'll be tortured with.

Sam: I see. I got it. So, you heard a rumor about Metatron's "secret portal", and you decided to run with it.

Ezra: It's not a rumor. He showed me.

Dean: I get it. He's a fan.

Sam: A fan. Yeah.

Dean: You're a fan. Just 'cause you're hot for Metatron... ...or Bieber or Beckham... Just 'cause you know everything about them doesn't mean that you actually know them.

Sam: Or that they even know you exist.

Dean: Ooh, that's cold, Sammy.

Sam: I'm just sayin', man.

Gavin: You sold your soul?! Sold it?! For an extra three inches of willy?!

Dean: (on phone) Damn it, Crowley, the grave is guarded!

Crowley: (on phone) That's absurd.

Dean: (on phone) A Hellhound!

Crowley: (on phone) No, no, no, she was collected.

Dean: (on phone) The hell she was!

Sam: Guys!

Crowley: (on phone) Time was, no one would dare disobey the king.

Sam: Guys!

Dean: (on phone) I'm gonna put you on speaker!

Crowley: (on phone) Juliet? It's papa. Stand down. [She does.] You're welcome.

[Dean stabs Abbadon multiple times]

Sam: Dean. Dean! Dean! Stop! You can stop.

Crowley: Please. No one bends the rules like you two bend the rules. He's one misfit kid. He impacts no one.

Crowley: You'll be fine. Just avoid cheap whiskey and cheap hookers. Look at me, getting all fatherly.

Gavin: So this is goodbye, then?

Crowley: Yes. Forever. Unless, of course, I catch you smoking, in which case, I'll smack you stupid.

Gavin: Goodbye, then. And thank you...father.

[Gavin moves to hug, but Crowley stops him.]

Crowley: Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy. As you were. Goodbye, Gavin. Oh, uh... Don't go mentioning that whole "Prince of Hell" thing. Doesn't play too well in most circles.

Dean: First time I touched that Blade...I knew. I knew that I wouldn't be stopped. I knew I would take down Abaddon and anything else if I had to. And it wasn't a hero thing. You know, it wasn't... It was just calm. I knew. And I had to go it alone, Sammy.

Sam: Look...I'm glad it worked out, okay? I am. And I'm glad the Blade gives you strength or calm or whatever, but, Dean, I got to say... I'm starting to think the Blade is doing something else, too.

Dean: Yeah? Like what?

Sam: I don't know. Like, something to you. Look... I'm thinking until we know for sure that we're gonna kill off Crowley, why don't we store the Blade somewhere distant? Lock it up somewhere safe? Okay?

Dean: No.

Stairway to Heaven [9.22][edit]

Dean: He's a weird, dorky, little guy. But he happens to have an army of Angels behind him, and, even though I hate to say it, if we're gonna take a shot at Metatron, they might be useful.

Metatron: Uh...just a second!

[A second later, Gadreel enters. Metatron glares at him.]

Gadreel: I gave you a second.

Metatron: You are such an...angel sometimes. What do you want?

Sam: Uh, roll call? You hold, uh, roll call?

Castiel: They like to hear me say their names.

Dean: I know a couple of women like that.

Castiel: It's Enochian. I believe it's some sort of riddle. "Why is six afraid of seven?" Now, I assume it's because seven is a prime number, and prime numbers can be intimidating.

Sam: [bemused] It's because seven eight nine.

[The door opens with a loud creak]

Castiel: It's wordplay. And the answer is the key, like the doors of Durin in "Lord of the Rings."

Sam: Wait a second. You know about "The Lord of the Rings?"

Castiel: I'm very pop-culture savvy now.

Sam: So, Dean, uh...are we gonna talk about this, or what?

Dean: About what? Yeah, I lied, but you were being an infant.

Sam: Wow. Even for you, that apology sucked.

Dean: Oh, I'm not apologizing. I'm telling you how it's gonna be.

Sam: Dean, that Blade...

Dean: That Blade's the only thing that can kill Metatron, and I am the only one who can use it...so from here on out, I'm calling the shots. Capisce? Look, until I jam that Blade through that douchebag's heart, we are not a team. This is a dictatorship. Now, you don't have to like it, but that's how it's gonna be.

Dean: Cas, you just gave up an entire army for one guy. No, there's no way that you blew those people away.

Castiel: You really believe we three will be enough?

Dean: We always have been.

Do You Believe in Miracles [9.23][edit]

Sam: Something is wrong with you, Dean. And until we figure out what, this is where you have to stay.

Dean: And you two are gonna do what? Take on Metatron yourselves? That's smart. Oh, no, wait. No, you... [motions to Castiel] you lost your Angel army. And you... [motions to Sam] now you're trying to lock up the one guy who has a shot at killing the son of a bitch?! Hell of a plan, fellas!

Crowley: Love, if I wanted a soapy massage from Dr. Phil, I would have hit 3 on the speed dial, all right?

Dean: What the hell's happening to me, you son of a bitch?

Crowley: Liquor before beer, bad taco? How should I know?

Crowley: You never get tired of the rat race? Never get the urge to just...bugger off and howl at the moon? Never ask yourself, "is this it? Is this all there is?" I kicked human blood, you know.

Dean: Oh, so you're full-metal douche again. Well, that's fantastic. Would you like a stuffed bear?

Dean: How's hell, Crowley?

Crowley: Hell's fine. Hell's like a Swiss watch. Don't worry about hell. Hell's complicated.

Dean: "Game of Thrones" is complicated. Shower sex... that's complicated. Hell ain't complicated. Your problem ain't hell. It's you.

Crowley: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not gonna eat your food?

Dean: Not hungry.

Castiel: The door to heaven is in a playground?

Gadreel: Guarded by two of Metatron's most loyal. I recruited them myself. So, you said you had a plan... How we might convince them to let us pass.

Castiel: [pulls out handcuffs] Wookiee.

Gadreel: [looks very confused] Brother, I have no idea what that means.

Castiel: It's a reference to a very popular film that... never mind.

Crowley: Well, I guess I've been Winchestered.

Gadreel: I sat in this hole for thousands of years, thinking of nothing but redemption, of reclaiming my good name. I thought of nobody, no cause, other than my own.

Castiel: You've been redeemed, my friend.

Gadreel: The only thing that matters in the end is the mission... protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves... the humans. None of us is bigger than that. And we will not let our fears, our self-absorption prevent us from seeing it through. Not anymore.

Castiel: No. Of course not.

Gadreel: Move to the other side of your cell, Castiel, and keep your head down.

Castiel: What are you doing?

[Hannah see that Gadreel has carved a suicide sigil on his chest and fumbles to unlock the door]

Gadreel: When they say my name, perhaps I won't just be the one who let the serpent in. Perhaps I will be known as one of the many...

Castiel: Gadreel.

Gadreel: ...who gave heaven a second chance. Run, sister.

Dean: You can save the humble pie Jesus routine for somebody who gives a damn.

Metatron: The problem with you Dean, is the cynicism. Always with the cynicism. But most people, even the real belly crawlers, living in filth, or Brentwood, they don't want to be cynical. They just want something to believe in.

Dean: And that'be you.

Metatron: Why not me?

Dean: You've been working those people outside for what, a day? And they've already spilled blood in your name. You're nothing but Bernie Madoff with wings.

Metatron: Ah, ah. So I'm a fake. Do you have any idea how much pancake make-up and soft lighting it took to get God to work a rope line? He hated it. And you know, humans sensed that. So they prayed harder and longer and fought more wars in His name. And for what?ǃ So they could die of malaria? Leukaemia? And all the while, blaming themselvesː "Oh, if only I'd been more prayerful, God would have loved meǃ God would have saved meǃ" You know what?ǃ God didn't even know their nameǃ But I do. Because I've walked among them, and I can save them.

Dean: Sure you can. So long as your mug is in every Bible, and "What would Metatron do?" is on every bumper.

Metatron: And? What, are you blaming me for giving them what they want? Giving them a brand they can believe in?

Dean: I'm blaming you for Kevinǃ I'm blaming you for taking Cas' Grace. Hell, I'm blaming you for the Cubs not winning the World Series in the last 100 freaking yearsǃ :[Showing the First Blade] Whatever it is, I'm blaming you.

Metatron: The First Blade. Nasty piece of work, isn't she? Ok, let's say you win, Dean, and I die. What's the world left with then, hmm? A herd of panty-waisted angels and you? Half out of your mind with lord knows what pumping through those veins?

Dean: You see, the only thing you've said that went in my ear was that you die.

Metatron: Oh, fine. We'll fight. I don't know what you expect is gonna come of all this. Unless... that's why you're stalling. Because you know nothing's gonna come of this unless your pals :[Gadreel and Castiel] succeed upstairs. Well, here's a newsflashː Humpty and Dumpty are starring in their very own version of "Locked Up Abroadː Heaven" right now.

[Dean punches Metatron]

Metatron: Wow, that big blade and that douchy tribal tat sure gave you some super juice. Whooǃ Okay...[They start fighting]

Sam: Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shut up. Shut up. Just save your energy, all right? Oh, man. We'll stop the bleeding. We'll... we'll get you a doctor or... or I'll find a spell. You're gonna be okay.

[Sam takes his brother's hand and presses it to his chest to keep the cloth in place.]

Dean: Listen to me. It's better this way.

Sam: What?!

Dean: [Gasping in pain] The Mark. It's making me into something I don't want to be.

[Dean is dying despite Sam trying to save him]

Dean: I thought you were alright with this?

Sam: I lied.

Dean: Ain't that a bitch.

Metatron: Ah. So Gadreel bites the dust. And the Angel tablet... arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe... is in pieces, and for what again? Oh, that's right... to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right? Well, guess what. He's dead, too.

[Castiel's horrified eyes shoot to Metatron's face]

Dean: (last words) I'm proud of us.

[Dean lies dead on a bed]

Crowley: Your brother, bless his soul, is summoning me as I speak. Make a deal, bring you back. It's exactly what I was talking about, isn't it? It's all become so... expected. You have to believe me. When I suggested you take on the Mark of Cain, I didn't know this was going to happen. Not really. I mean, I might not have told you the entire truth. But I never lied. I never lied, Dean. That's important. It's fundamental. But...there is one story about Cain that I might have... forgotten to tell you. Apparently, he, too, was willing to accept death, rather than becoming the killer the Mark wanted him to be. So he took his own life with the Blade. He died. Except, as rumor has it, the Mark never quite let go. You can understand why I never spoke of this. Why set hearts aflutter at mere speculation? It wasn't until you summoned me... No, it wasn't truly until you left that cheeseburger uneaten...that I began to let myself believe. Maybe miracles do come true.

[Crowley places the First Blade into Dean's hand and lays them both on Dean's chest.]

Crowley: Listen to me, Dean Winchester, what you're feeling right now... it's not death. It's life... a new kind of life. Open your eyes, Dean. See what I see. Feel what I feel. Let's go take a howl at that moon.

[Dean's eyes open, they are demonic black.]

Supernatural (season 10)

Supernatural (2005–) is a paranormal/horror/thriller/drama-themed television series on the WB Television Network (now merged with UPN into the new network The CW) that details the lives of two brothers who travel across the country in a black 1967 Chevy Impala investigating paranormal events and other unexplained occurrences. Season ten originally aired from the 7th October 2014 to 20th May 2015.

Season 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Main

Contents [hide]

1 Black [10.01]

2 Reichenbach [10.02]

3 Soul Survivor [10.03]

4 Paper Moon [10.04]

5 Fan Fiction [10.05]

6 Ask Jeeves [10.06]

7 Girls, Girls, Girls [10.07]

8 Hibbing 911 [10.08]

9 The Things We Left Behind [10.09]

10 The Hunter Games [10.10]

11 There's No Place Like Home [10.11]

12 About A Boy [10.12]

13 Halt & Catch Fire [10.13]

14 The Executioner's Song [10.14]

15 The Things They Carried [10.15]

16 Paint It Black [10.16]

17 Inside Man [10.17]

18 Book Of The Damned [10.18]

19 The Werther Project [10.19]

20 Angel Heart [10.20]

21 Dark Dynasty [10.21]

22 The Prisoner [10.22]

23 My Brother's Keeper [10.23]

24 Cast

25 External links

Black [10.01][edit]

Crowley: Jerk.

Dean: Bitch.

Anne Marie: Get a room you two.

Crowley: Had a room until you two soiled it.

Anne Marie: Love you Crowley.

Crowley: Love you more sweetheart.

Anne Marie: Anne Marie, jackass.

Crowley: Knew that.

Crowley: (Answering his phone) You're dead.

Sam: Nope. Just using a dead man's phone.

Crowley: Moose. Took you long enough. Your brother and I were beginning to wonder if you'd hit another dog. You know?

Sam: My brother is dead, Crowley. I know you have some freaking demon parading around in his meatsuit, and trust me, you are gonna pay for that.

Crowley: Moose. Moose. I'm afraid you haven't allowed yourself to dream quite big enough here. Your brother is very much alive, courtesy of the mark. And the only demonized soul inside of Dean is his and his alone. Wee bit more twisted, a little more mangled beyond human recognition, but, I can assure you, all his. There, now. Feel better?

Sam: And the, uh, Abaddon supporters you've been sending to kill my brother, how does Dean feel about that double-cross?

Crowley: If that's what you think is happening, then you're more out of your depths than I thought.

Sam: I don't know how you did this, what kind of... Black-magic stunt you pulled, but hear me -I will save my brother or die trying.

Crowley: You know what tickles me about all this? It's what's really eating you up. You don't care that he's a demon. Heck, you've been a demon. We've all been demons. No, it's that he's with me and he's having the time of his life. You can't stand the fact that he's mine.

Sam: He's not your pet.

Crowley: My pet? He's my best friend, my partner in crime. They'll write songs about us, graphic novels - The Misadventures of Growley and Squirrel. Dean Winchester completes me, and that's what makes you lose your chickens.

Dean: You lied.

Crowley: Who do you think you're talking to here? Does the tin man have a sheet-metal Willy? Of course I lied.

Dean: I left you an open tab at the bar. Knock yourself out.

Cole: Well, hell, I just may take you up on that.

Dean: And who is this?

Cole: Me? Well, I'm karma, brother.

Dean: On my brother's phone?

Cole: On your brother's phone.

Dean: Is he dead?

Cole: No. Not yet. And as long as you show up where I tell you to show up, your brother will be just fine.

Dean: And how do I know he's still alive?

Cole: (holding the phone out to Sam) Speak.

Sam: [Sam looks at the phone heartbroken but doesn't say a word. Cole punches Sam in the face.] Aah!

Cole: Proof of life.

Sam: Dean!

Cole: Got a pen?

Dean: No, you listen to me. There's no trade. There's no meet-up. There's no nothing - except the 100% guarantee that, somewhere down the road, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Cole: Well, that'll be a cold comfort to your dead brother.

Dean: I told him to let me go. So whatever jam he's in now, that is his problem.

Cole: Yeah, well, I'll be sure to pass that on to him as I'm slitting his throat.

Dean: Yeah, you do that, 'cause he knows me. And he knows damn sure that if I am one thing, I am a man of my word.

Reichenbach [10.02][edit]

Sam: Cass, Dean's a demon

Castiel: Dean's a demon? How?

Sam: The Mark, I guess it messed him up, I don't know.

Castiel: That is a vast understatement.

Hannah: Castiel I think the Winchesters are a bad influence on you.

Castiel: Sam and Dean may be a bit rough around the edges, but they're the best men I've ever known. And they're my friends.

Dean: [To Bartender] Two shots here. He'll have something fancy, with your tiniest umbrella.

Crowley: So...How you been feeling? On edge? Pent-up? Unfulfilled?

Dean: You sound like a Viagra commercial. You know that, right?

Crowley: This isn't about...Little Dean. It's about the Mark. It changed you.

Dean: [flashing black eyes] I've noticed.

Crowley: And I know that you want to keep the party going. You want to have fun, fun, fun till daddy takes the black eyes away. The fact is...you need to kill now. Not want to, not choose to -need to.

Bartender: [setting Dean's shots down and a cocktail in front of Crowley] There you go.

Crowley: [with a withering look] Danke. Face it, darling. You're an addict. Death is your drug. And you're gonna spend the rest of your life chasing that dragon.

Little Girl: Did you have a good dream?

Castiel: Well, I, uh, I don't really dream.

Little Girl: Why? One time I dreamed that my snot was a rocket and it shot into space and knocked down the stars to make room for more rockets!

Castiel: That sounds like some very special snot.

Dean: So what are you gonna do, you gonna kill me?

Sam: No.

Dean: Why? You don't know what I've done, I might have it coming.

Sam: I don't care. Because you are my brother and I'm here to take you home.

Dean: You're my brother and I'm here to take you home. Ah, what is this a Lifetime movie, with your puppy dog eyes? Thanks Sammy, I needed that.

Cole: Wow. It's really you.

Dean: We met?

Cole: Talked on the phone.

Dean: Right, right. You're the guy who's supposed to put a bullet in Sammy's brain. Did you miss?

Cole: Well, I had a better idea: I figure if I let your bro escape, he'd go running to you, and all I had to do was just tag along. And now here we are, finally. Dean Winchester.

Dean: Great, a groupie.

Cole: You remember me?

Dean: Yeah, yeah. You're that guy, from that thing.

Cole: Nyack, New York, June 21st 2003.

Dean: That supposed to ring a bell?

Cole: It was the night you gutted and murdered a man by the name of Edward Trenton. He was my father.

Dean: [nonchalant] Okay.

Cole: Okay?

Dean: Well hey, I'm not saying I didn't slice and dice your old man. I'm just saying that he wasn't the first and he certainly wasn't the last, and they all just kinda get blended up.

Dean: Y'know - and I'm just spit-balling here - but uh, maybe you are not as good as you think you are.

Dean: What'd you think was gonna happen, huh, you'd just stroll up here and say, "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die" and I'd just roll over? Well that's just - that makes me sad.

Dean: You have no idea what you walked into here do you? None.

Cole: What are you?

Dean: I'm a demon.

Cole: Do it! You said if you saw me, you'd kill me so do it!

Dean: Well, I guess I change my mind.

Sam: [Throws holy water on Dean, handcuffing him] Stop! It's over! It's over, Dean!

Sam: This doesn't make us square. If I see you again...

Crowley: Oh stop it Samantha, nobody likes a tease.

Sam: You know what Dean. I saw what happened back there, you could have killed that guy and you didn't, you took mercy on him.

Dean: You call that mercy? Imagine you spend your whole life hunting down the guy that knifed your father. When you finally find him, he whips you like a dog - how do you think that feels? That kid is going to spend his whole life knowing that he had his shot and that he couldn't beat me, that ain't mercy. That's the worst thing I could have done to him. And what I'm gonna do to you Sammy, well that ain't gonna be mercy either.

Soul Survivor [10.03][edit]

Dean: Sam, I know you think you're going try and fix me, but did it never occur to you maybe I don't want to be fixed? Just let me go live my life, I won't bother you. What do you care?

Sam: What do I care?

Dean: You think I'm just going to sit here like Crowley, getting all weepy while you shoot me up? Well, screw that! I don't want this.

Sam: Yeah, I pretty much figured that out.

Dean: You don't even know if this is going to work, do you? You know, I've got a helluva a lot more running through me than just demon juice.

Sam: Mark of Cain, got it.

Dean: Sammy…you know I hate shots.

Sam: I hate demons.

Sam: You want me to debate you? This isn't even the real you I'm talking to.

Dean: Oh it's the real me alright, the new real me, the me that sees things for what they really are. Winchesters. Do-gooders fighting the natural order. Let me tell you something. Guys like me, we are the natural order. It's the way it was set up.

Sam: Guys like me still gotta do what we can.

Dean: Don't be so full of yourself Sammy. See from where I'm sitting there ain't much difference from what I turned into and what you already are.

Sam: And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Dean: I know what you did when you went looking for me. And I know how far you went. Crowley told me all about it. So let me ask you... which one of us is really the monster, hmm? Starting to come back to you now.

Demon: Majesty, supplicants await without.

Crowley: Without what?

Demon: Outside.

Crowley: Let them wait.

Demon: They've waited a long time.

Crowley: It's Hell. You wait. It's what you do.

Dean: There's no point in trying to bring your brother back now.

Sam: Oh, I will bring him back.

Dean: In fact, your, uh, guilt-ridden, weight-of-the-world bro has been M.I.A. for quite some time now. But I'm loving the new model - lean, mean Dean.

Dean: You notice I tried to get as far away from you possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you. Maybe I was just... tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire, since... forever. Or maybe - maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn't for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life.

Sam: This isn't my brother talking.

Dean: You never had a brother. Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what. I quit.

Sam: No. No you don't. You don't get to quit. We don't get to quit in this family. This family is all we've ever had!

Dean: Well then we got nothin'.

Crowley: Why can't you people just sit on clouds and play harps like you're supposed to?

Dean: You look worried, fellas.

Castiel: You realize one problem is solved, but one still remains. Dean is no longer a demon, that's true. But the Mark of Cain - that he still has, and sooner or later that is gonna be an issue.

Sam: You know what, Cas. I'm beat, man. One battle at a time, you know? So I'm just gonna grab my brother some cholesterol. And then I'm gonna get drunk.

Paper Moon [10.04][edit]

Dean: You've been kicked, bit, scratched, stabbed, possessed, killed...and you sprain your friggin' elbow?

Sam: Dude, it was more than a sprain. All right? And it was a friggin' demon, but -

Dean: But what? That sling come with a slice of crybaby pie on the side? Please.

Kate: It's not like anyone gave me a handbook on how to be a werewolf.

Dean: I just figured since we're opening up veins, that maybe you wanted to talk about the guy you made sell his soul.

Sam: The guy who you then killed, right. That's the same guy were talking about?

Dean: I was a demon.

Sam: Oh you were a demon, I didn't realize that.

Sam: How can you possibly blame Kate for fighting for her sister, we do it all the time.

Dean: Oh yeah, that's worked wonders for us.

Sam: We're still here, aren't we?

Dean: Yeah, but is it right?

Sam: I watched you die, and I carried you... I carried your corpse into your room, and I put your dead body onto your bed and then you just...

Dean: It's embarrassing you know.

Sam: What's embarrassing?

Dean: All of it. The note. Crowley. Everything.

Sam: Dean, you were a demon.

Dean: Oh I was a demon, I didn't realize.

Sam: Shut up.

Dean: Not to mention, I never said thank you. So...

Sam: You don't ever have to say that, not to me.

Kate: But, she can be saved.

Dean: No. Tasha's in too deep. You don't ever come back from that. Not ever.

Dean: Let's say you're right.

Sam: About What?

Dean: Everything. Maybe I'm not ready to hunt. But I am just trying to do the right thing, man. 'Cause I am so sick and tired of doing the wrong one.

Fan Fiction [10.05][edit]

Dean: Sam, out there hunting, it's the only normal I know. We got work to do.

Dean: I'm gonna throw up.

Sam: I mean I gotta say, it's kinda charming. The-the production value, and the... No? No. No. I'm gonna check for EMF, you-you look for, uh cursed objects.

Dean: What are they doing?

Marie: Oh, uh they're rehearsing the "BM" scene.

Dean: The bowel movement scene?

Marie: No, the boy melodrama scene... You know the scene where the boys get together and their driving or leaning against Baby, drinking a beer, sharing their feelings. The two of them alone, but together - bonded, united, the power of their-

Dean: Why are they standing so close together?

Marie: Reasons.

Dean: You know they're brothers, right?

Marie: Well duh. But subtext.

Dean: Why don't you take a sub-step back, ladies!

Marie: We do explore the nature of Destiel in Act Two.

Dean: Wha- what's Destiel?

Marie: You know, Dean-slash-Castiel. I mean, it's all subtext, but you can't spell subtext without S-E-X.

Dean: [glares at the camera]

Dean: Alright, Shakespeare. You know that I can actually tell you what really happened with Sam and Dean. A friend of mine hooked me up with the unpublished-unpublished books. So, Sam came back from Hell, but without his soul, and Cas brought in a bunch of Leviathans from Purgatory. They lost Bobby, and then Cas and Dean got stuck in Purgatory... Sam hit a dog. Uh, they met a prophet named Kevin; they lost him too. Then Sam underwent a series of trials in an attempt to close the Gates of Hell, which nearly cost him his life. And Dean... he became a demon. A Knight of Hell actually.

Marie: Wow.

Dean: Yup.

Marie: That is some of the worst fan-fiction I have ever heard. I mean, seriously, where did your friend find this garbage? And not saying that ours is a masterpiece or anything, but jeez. I'll have to send you some links later.

Sam: Destiel? Shouldn't it be Dee-stiel? And what about Sastiel? Samstiel?

Marie: Yeah. You're right. If Sam and Dean were real, they wouldn't back down from a fight, especially my sweet, brave, selfless Sam. There's nothing he can't do.

Maeve: Okay, we're through the looking glass here people. Prep the wendigo set, let's prep the priest costumes, and Sarah get our understudies into hair and make-up.

Marie: Dean? You never should've thrown this away.

[hands him the Samulet prop]

Dean: It never really worked. I don't need a symbol to remind me how I feel about my brother.

Marie: Hi. Thank you so much for coming, I know the second act is a little bit wonky and the first act has some issues, but... what did you think?

Chuck: Not bad.

Ask Jeeves [10.06][edit]

Sam: Wow, think we're a little under dressed? I mean the fed threads are in the trunk.

Dean: Are you kidding me, for once we don't have to wear suits. You're lucky my waistband is not elastic.

Dean: All right cold spots it is, you stay here and keep an eye on Mrs. Peacock and, uh Colonel Mustard. I'll sniff around.

Dash: Well Sam, I'll let you in on a little secret. We don't really like each other... But then what family does?

Sam: Mine does. For the most part, it's just my brother and me.

Sam: Husband and wife tag-team killer ghosts.

Dean: Gotta keep the marriage alive somehow.

Beverly: Well, well, well what do we have here? What'cha doing snooping these halls? Up to no good? Why don't we get up to no good together? You know they say women just get better with age, like a fine wine or a cheese.

Sam: I-I, um, I'm lactose intolerant.

Dean: Cut the crap Wadsworth. What are you doing hiding dead maids in secret rooms?

Sam: Clown school Colette?

Sam: We're not the bad guys Dash.

Dash: I beg to differ, you're wearing flannel.

Olivia: I'm not the maid.

Heddy: That explains the dust.

Sam: Olivia you don't have to do this, being a monster is a choice.

Olivia: That choice was made for me a long time ago.

Sam: Dean what was that all about back there?

Dean: What are you talking about?

Sam: I mean, all those extra shots after the shifter was already dead. What was that?

Dean: I don't know. Target practice?

Sam: Come on mean, I'm serious. Are you sure it wasn't, I don't know demon residue or something to do with the Mark?

Dean: No none of that.

Sam: Right. Look man I gotta be honest-

Dean: Oh my god Sam, it was my first kill since I've been back. You know, I got a little anxious, I just wanted to make sure it was done right. Plain and simple. Why am I even explaining this to you?

Girls, Girls, Girls [10.07][edit]

[Sam is reading Dean's dating profile.]

Sam: 'Oh baby whatever you want, I'm just burning up thinking about you.'

Dean: They get raunchier.

Sam: Yeah I see that, it's like a Penthouse letter.

Sam: We detoured eight hours so you could get laid?

Hannah: I'm sorry Castiel, I'm not going with you. I'm done. It's hard letting go - the story, the mission. What of the humans, whose lives we sacrifice in the name of that mission, what of them? We always said the humans were our original mission; maybe it's time Castiel, time to put them first.

Castiel: Where is all this coming from?

Hannah: Being on Earth, working with you. I felt things, human things - passions, hungers. To shower, feel water on my skin, to get closer to you. But all of that was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw him. Her husband, his anger and his grief. Caroline was inside me screaming out for him, for her life back. These feelings they aren't for me, for us. They belong to her. I know it's time to step aside... Goodbye Castiel.

Gerald: Your decree last month, soul deals way down after the war with Abaddon. You said that you were looking at proactive and out of the box strategies to get numbers back up.

Crowley: So you and your half-wit pal threw me into the sex trade? I'm evil, that's just tacky.

Dean: I'm not a demon any more.

Cole: Were you a demon when you murdered my father?

Dean: No.

Cole: Then you're still a monster.

Cole: You say that now, but the last time we fought you couldn't even remember his name.

Dean: 2003 Nyack, New York, Ed Trenton. I was working a case three dead, livers ripped out and eaten by your father.

Cole: Livers.

Dean: I tracked him down that night, to your house.

Cole: When you say he was a monster, what kind of monster was he?

Dean: I don't know, I never seen that kind before, never seen it again. All I know is that he came home that night looking to kill, it could have been you, it could have been your mom.

Cole: My whole life I've been...

Dean: I get it, that was your story. Look man I got one of those too, okay but those stories that we tell that keep us going, sometimes they blind us. They take us to dark places, kinda place where I might beat the crap out of a good man, just for the fun of it. The people who love me, they pulled me back from that edge. Cole once you touch that darkness, it never goes away. Now the truth is, I'm past saving. I know how my story ends; it's at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun. So the question is that going to be today, it gonna be that gun?

Sam: What you said earlier back there, about being past saving were you really-

Dean: I was just telling the guy what he needed to hear. We better go.

Rowena: The king at last. King of what, Lilliput? I mean I heard you were short. Well, get to it. Time for the coup de grace, wee boy. Something the matter with you? Cat got your tongue? Meow.

Crowley: Mother?

Hibbing 911 [10.08][edit]

Sam: Hey, we good?

Dean: Aces. Yeah, I love the smell of parchment in the morning.

Sam: I mean how much lore is even left? We got nothing on the Mark?

Dean: Right, you think these eggheads with all the crap they amassed over the years would have actually collected something important. Ah, here - 'He-wolf, She-wolf: A Study in Werewolf Transgenderism,' six hundred pages, volume one. But, uh, something important, like I don't know maybe the oldest symbol known to man - 'that's not worth our time, it's not weird enough.'

Jody: Screw you, Winchester.

Jody: Honestly Donna, I just met the guy but, Doug seems like kind of a dick.

Donna: But he was my dick... I'm gonna hit the can, you know, where it's less gross.

Donna: Uh Oh, flying the coop without me? Again.

Jody: No.

Donna: No I get it, I do. Take a hint Donna. Right?

Jody: There's been another animal attack.

Donna: Shut the front door. Says who?

Donna: So. Fresh corpse, jerk ex-husband, out of control teen. Wanna get blingo'd on my mini-bar and watch pay-per-view?

Sam: Alright I'll go try and crack the police server.

Dean:Yeah, maybe I'll go crack the deputy.

Sam: Right. But this time try to be a little less defensive of your pretend job.

Dean:You know this badge means something.

Sam: I made it at Kinkos.

Dean: Yes you did. Be proud of that.

Donna: Look at all this sunblock, you'd think he's at the Copacabana or something.

Donna: Wait so, when we were at the weight loss spa.

Dean: Monsters, sucking out your fat. We took care of it.

Donna: Ah jeez. I knew losing ten pounds that fast was too good to be true.

Dean: You're gonna sit this one out.

Donna: Stuff you Dean, or whatever your real name is.

Star: It's all love pretty boy. All of you will become all of us. We won't waste one bit.

Dean: Okay Mufasa enough with the circle of life crap. You're a vampire, you're scum, end of story.

Jody: You okay?

Donna: Yeah, other than feeling like I wanna hurl. I just chopped off a vampire's head.

Jody: You were great at that.

Donna: Thanks.

Sam: You good?

Dean: Yeah. Yeah, you know for the first time since I've been back, I didn't feel like the Mark was pushing me.

Sam: First time?

Donna: Knowing that these things are out there, makes the world seem - I don't know bigger, darker.

Dean:All I know is that back there, killing those vamps. I felt like me again.

Sam: Alright, so that's good right?

Dean: Yeah.

Jody: You know if you want any pointers on how to fight this crazy crap, I'm willing to fill you in - you know what kills what.

Donna: I'd like that.

Sam: Okay, let's go with that.

The Things We Left Behind [10.09][edit]

Castiel: I'm not your father.

Claire: Right. I'm not your father. Those are first words you said to me, remember?

Claire: My Dad, is he still in there?

Castiel: No, the human soul it can only occupy a body while it retains a certain structural integrity, and this vessel it was, it was ripped apart on a sub-atomic level by an archangel.

Claire: Then how are you-

Castiel: I was reassembled, your father is in Heaven.

Claire: Well, yeah for him. Anyway good talk, you can get the hell out of my life now.

Claire: You changed. The Castiel I met, he was crappy, like super stuck-up and a dick and you just wanted to punch in his stupid angel face.

Castiel: Don't think I was that bad.

Claire: You totally were. And now you're just, I don't know, nicer. Kind of a doof... no offence.

Castiel: Yes, well... before I was very self assured. I was convinced I was on this righteous path. Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it's just people trying to do their best in a world where is far too easy to do your worst.

Claire: Wow, deep.

Castiel: Yeah, for a doof.

Dean: This is why you called us, this is your emergency?

Castiel: Yes!

Dean: No Cas, an emergency is a dead body, okay or a wigged out angel, or the Apocalypse take three. Some chick bolting on you is no emergency, that's every Friday night for Sam.

Dean: So you're having a midlife crisis?

Castiel: I'm extremely old, I think I'm entitled.

Dean: Cas I need you to promise me something.

Castiel: Of course.

Dean: If I do go darkside you've got to take me out.

Castiel: What do you mean?

Dean: Knife me, smite me, throw me into the friggin' sun; whatever. And don't let Sam get in the way, cause he'll try. I can't go down that road again man, I can't be that thing again.

Crowley: She was a horrible mother. Did I tell you the time that she almost traded me for three pigs, three! I was an attractive child, I could juggle. I was worth five pigs, at least.

Gerald: My Ma used to burn me with cigarettes.

Crowley: Nobody cares Gerald. Don't get me started about the name, Fergus. Sounds like venereal disease, and not the fun kind.

Dean: Whoa hey, Miley Cyrus, settle.

Claire: Eat me, Hasselhoff.

Claire: I used to pray to you Castiel, every night. I would beg you to bring him home safe.

Castiel: I know.

Crowley: I didn't even have a father!

Rowena: Of course you had a father. You were just conceived during a winter solstice orgy, and it's not like I was taking names.

Dean: We know John Winchester isn't going to win any #1 Dad awards, but damn if he wasn't there when we needed him.

Sam: Hey, uh, tell him about that time in New York.

Dean: Oh Yeah... Yeah, okay so, ah. We were working this haunting in Long Island, and me and Sam begged the old man to let us go to the city, for once.

Sam: He had this thing about New York; too big, too loud, too dirty.

Dean: And he hated the Yankees.

Sam: Big time, yeah.

Dean: Somehow we convinced him to let us go. So we all go, we all you know see the sites and ride the subway, eat too much pizza, the whole nine. By about midnight Sam and Dad are zonked, and I figure 'screw it, I'm going to CBGB.'

Sam: CBGB is...

Castiel: I know. It's where the Ramones and Blondie got their start.

Sam: Right, wow. Anyway he was way underage at the time.

Dean: So I get there, I sneak in, and it is nuts. I mean people are drinking, and they're smoking, and they're snorting whatever. There's a 500 pound guy on the stage with mohawk just screaming. My mind is blown I don't even know what to do. Then this girl walks up, and she's 'Hey why don't come over sit down with me and my friends at this table,' 'yeah, alright.'

Sam: Yeah and they get him drunk. First time.

Dean: But not fun drunk, I'm not quite sure what was in that stuff, but the room starts to spin, and I feel like I'm going to puke forever. Right about that time, I hear him. 'Dean Winchester.' My old man, I don't know how but he found me. And now I'm really freaking out, because he's just standing there not saying anything, and I look around everyone else is freaking out too in fact no one is looking him in the eye, then finally this one guy with like a safety pin in his nose and a 'kill everything' tattoo looks up and he says 'sorry sir.' Yeah, 'sorry sir' heh. John frickin' Winchester.

Castiel: He saved you.

Dean: Yeah and you know what he got for that? Me whining about how much he embarrassed me. Me telling him that I hated him. But then he stopped and turned around looked at me and said, 'Son, you don't like me that's fine. It's not my job to be liked.'

Sam: 'It's my job to raise you right.'

Dean: And he did.

Castiel: Do you think Claire is in trouble?

Dean: She's hanging out with a guy named Randy, she's in trouble.

Sam: Dean, Dean hey. Tell me you had to do this.

Dean: I did - I didn't mean to.

Sam: No; tell me it was them or you!

The Hunter Games [10.10][edit]

Dean: That was a massacre, is what it was. There was a time I was a hunter, not a stone cold killer. You can say it, you're not wrong. I crossed a line. Guys this things got to go.

Metatron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there badass. Lighten up. Why do you just assume I won't help?

Sam: Because you're a dickwad.

Metatron: But I'm your dickwad. I have a special place in my... non-heart for you both, to which end ta-da! I would be tickled to help you pop this Biblical zit. To do it you are going to need one specific thing... Your old bud, the First Blade.

Sam: What?

Metatron: As I said ain't life a bitch?

Crowley: You, Moose, you're the sane one. You on board with this?!

Crowley: You want me to procure the most dangerous weapon on the planet for Dean Winchester, the man who goes mental every time he touches it? I thought you wanted to go for a beer, catch a film.

Dean: Okay look, the Blade may be powered down, but the Mark is not. I'm doing everything I can to keep it together. Now you think the body count around me is high right now? Wait till Hal takes over.

Castiel: The first blade is back in play and Crowley is the one getting it? I don't mean to be an alarmist but...

Dean: Yeah well you know us, when we screw ourselves, we like to go whole hog.

Castiel: This would be the Crowley who let the blade turn Dean into a demon?

Dean: I don't have a choice, okay. I don't do this I'm down the rabbit hole; hear evil, see evil, do evil - the trifecta.

Dean: We have the first blade

Metatron: Not here? Not on your person?

Dean: Not saying, so back to you what's next?

Metatron: This is where it gets kinda interesting.

Dean: Aha.

Metatron: It's very lonely here, and I have very little to do but think, and it occurred to me that you really need this mark taken off of you, and in order to do that you really need me. So here's the deal, that first little tip I gave you, a freebie, just 'cause you're you. Every future step, they're gonna cost you, big, oh and FYI there's a bunch.

[Dean locks the rooms' door]

Metatron: What you doing there slugger?

Dean: I'm settling a score that's taken way too long to settle. Oh and while I do that I'm gonna get some information, and I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it. [He picks up an angel blade] Because you're going to tell me everything, all of it, and it ain't gonna cost me a damn dime... slugger.

Metatron: My morality is being judged by Dean Winchester? How many people have suffered and died because they believed in you? How many times have you lied to Sam, including, oh by the way, when he was possessed by an angel? And you say, 'oh well it's all for the greater good' but lately buddy, that greater good thing went away didn't it? Now people die because you want them to. [Dean punches Metatron] Good Dean, go darker. [Dean punches Metatron] Go deeper. [Dean punches Metatron repeatedly] Surely you noticed every time you respond, when the Mark gets you all twitchy, you fall deeper under its spell. You think roughing up a few demons or humans makes it worse? Try messing with the Scribe of God, bucko!

Metatron: And then Kevin's death all on you, you put him in harms way and kept him there. Gadreel possessing Sam, who was it who tricked Sam into letting him in? And then my personal favorite - Dean Winchester. Whose entire existence is defined by a war on the dark and monstrous, bromancing his way around the country with the King of Hell!

[Dean punches Metatron]

Dean: Let's try this again. What is, the next step?!

Metatron: What is it you humans say so elegantly, ah yes, 'go screw yourself'

Dean: He said the river ends at the source.

Sam: What does that mean?

Dean: Maybe nothin'. It was the last thing he said before you guys busted in.

Sam: Dean, look man we had to...

Dean: Hey, no I get it, alright. I was going to kill him, and I couldn't stop myself.

Sam: We'll figure it out alright. Remember what Cas said about needing a powerful force?

Dean: Yeah so?

Sam: So, I've been thinking, look. Cain still has the Mark right? And he's lived with it, for years he's lived with it. So yeah, the Mark is strong, but Dean maybe there's a part of you that wants to give into it, and maybe you have to fight that, you know? Maybe part of that powerful force has to be you.

There's No Place Like Home [10.11][edit]

Dean: Sooner we get rid of this demonic tramp stamp, I am back on the booze, burgers... and more booze.

Dean: What are you saying Charlie tortured someone? Our Charlie, yay high? Wouldn't hurt a hobbit, practically sparkles.

Charlie: And let me just tell you being good is really annoying. Normally at a place like this, I'd be pounding Harvey Wallbangers and checking out the bartender's ass. Now all I wanna do is sip club sodas and send her to college.

Dean: Charlie... Lets talk about this.

Dark Charlie: You Winchester boys and your talk. Blah blah blah repressed feelings. Blah blah blah passive aggression.

Charlie: We are going to fix this. I'm not letting what happened to me happen to you.

Dean: But it's already happened.

Sam: Cain found a way to live with it.

Dean: Yeah, after centuries of murder.

Charlie: Yeah well, there's one thing you have that he didn't. You're a Winchester. I forgive you Dean.

Dean: Yeah well, I don't.

Charlie: I know, kinda your move. How's that working out for you?

Dean: I'm so sorry kiddo.

Charlie: Then prove it.

About A Boy [10.12][edit]

Homeless Guy: Look we all know whats going here, okay.

Dean: Don't say it.

Homeless Guy: Aliens.

Dean: He said it.

Sam: Yeah, he did.

Homeless Guy: Dude was abducted believe me I know. May 2003 those suckers they grabbed me, and they probed me everywhere, and I'm talking everywhere.

Tina: You know before, I thought you were just another drunk.

Dean: I prefer functional alcoholic.

Sam: How?

Dean: No clue, some Scarface looking dude, bright light. Next thing I know, I wake up looking like Beiber.

Dean: What?

Sam:Nothing. Okay not nothing. This is bizarre, even for us. Dean This is insane, You're like 14, how does it even feel.

Dean: Well, I'm me. I'm old me, but a kid. It's freakin' weird dude, and...

Sam:What

Dean: There was a Taylor Swift song on the bus that I hopped to the motel, and uh, I liked it Sam. I liked it a lot.

Sam:Okay.

Dean: And my voice is weird, and I've got like nine zits, and I have zero control over this [points to his groin]. I mean it's up, it's down, it's up for no reason-

Sam:That's enough yeah, no thanks. That's just called puberty.

Dean: Yeah, which sucks. Again.

Sam: Look, man do I wish the Mark was gone? Yes of course, absolutely I do. But I wanted you back, and here you are and you didn't Hulk out, I'll take the win.

Halt & Catch Fire [10.13][edit]

Dean: What did Cas say?

Sam: Err Good news, bad news. Bad news, he discovered riverboat gambling. Good news, he thinks he might be closing in on Cain.

Dean: Alright, so big brother didn't getting along with little brother, was pissed off he was driving his baby. I get it.

Sam: What are you saying, if you died and I drove your car, you'd kill me?

Dean: If you stunk her up with taquitos, probably.

Dean: I've made more mistakes than I can count. Ones that haunt me day and night.

Sam: So how do you deal?

Dean: Whiskey. Denial. I do my best to make things right, whatever they may be... For you maybe it's, maybe it's coming clean. You know finding a way to ask for forgiveness, but not breaking the bank at your local florist, I mean real forgiveness. You can't just bury stuff like this, you gotta deal with it.

Dean:Oh yeah, sure Sammy, we'll just kill the internet. Wait, can we?

Sam: No, no not really.

Sam: Looks like Andrew wasn't the only one who chose peace.

Dean: Yeah, looks like. Think I'm gonna follow his lead too.

Sam: What do you mean?

Dean: My peace is helping people, working cases. That's all I wanna do.

Sam: Is this about the mark?

Dean: I'm done trying to find a cure, Sammy.

Sam: Dean, Cas is so close

Dean: To what? We don't even know if there is a cure. So far we've got nothing, we have found nothing in the Men of Letters library, Metatron may or may not know something, and maybe Cas is onto something with Cain, maybe.

Sam: Yeah maybe, nothing is guaranteed Dean, so what? You can't just stop fighting.

Dean: Yes we can.

Sam: So this is it? You're just gonna, gonna give up?

Dean: No, I'm not going to give up. I appreciate the effort, okay I do. But the answer is not out there, it's with me. I need to be the one calling the shots here, okay? I can't keep waking up every morning with this false hope... I gotta know where I stand otherwise I'm gonna lose my freaking mind... So I'm gonna fight it, till I can't fight it anymore. And when all is said and done, I'll go down swinging.

The Executioner's Song [10.14][edit]

Castiel: This is a massacre.

Cain: Yes. And soon it will be a genocide. My children, my whole poisoned issue. Lot of them out there right now... killers, fighters, thieves. Some more peaceful than others, but they still carry it... the disease. If the Mark wants blood, I'll give it mine.

Castiel: You are Adam and Eve's first born, your descendants are legion.

Cain: At most I'm culling... one in ten.

Castiel: Of everyone.

Cain: I've got time.

Dean: You know last week when I said I would go down swinging when the time came? I meant that, I was at peace with that... I just didn't realize that the time would come so soon. Like right now... I'm scared Sam.

Cain: You're holding back! What is it Dean? You think if you hold back just enough you won't succumb? That you'll leave this fight the same as you entered? Look to my example boy! There is no resisting the Mark or the Blade, there is only remission and relapse!

Cain: It's been too long. That old feeling, makes wonder how I ever had the strength to resist... This may be hard to believe, what I'm about to do to you, but I care about you Dean, I truly do, but I know I'm doing you a favor. I'm saving you.

Dean: Saving me from what?

Cain: From your fate. Has it ever occurred to you? Have you never mused upon the fact that you are living my life in reverse. My story began when I killed my brother, and that's where your story will inevitably end.

Dean: No. Never.

Cain: It's called the Mark of Cain for a reason! First, first you'd kill Crowley... there'd be some strange mixed feelings on that one, but you'd have your reason, get it done, no remorse. And then you'd kill the angel Castiel, now that one, that I suspect would hurt something awful. And then... Then would come the murder you'd never survive, the one that would finally turn you into as a much of a savage as it did me... your brother Sam. The only thing standing between you and that destiny is this blade. You're welcome my son.

Castiel: How is he? ... Sam?

Sam: [Heartbrokenly] Cas, Dean's in trouble

The Things They Carried [10.15][edit]

Dean: Hey check it out.

Sam: [Slams shut his laptop] Hey.

Dean: Porn?

Sam: What? No it was nothing.

Dean: Hey look no judgement from me, just not where we eat.

Sam: Dude, it wasn't porn.

Dean: Okay, erotica whatever. Just zip it up.

Dean: Sam! I know what you're doing over there, and it ain't porn. Look man, we have checked every website, okay we checked it twice. Sam when we work a case, there's always that-that point where we have to face the truth, right? Even if we don't like it. Well truth is, there's no way around this. We saw what happened to Cain, okay. I'm not happy about it, but I gotta move on. So I'm gonna keep doing we what do... while I still can, and I'd like you to be there with me.

Cole: Damn. Day in day out, you and Sammy saving people from things they just can't wrap their minds around, and nobody even notices. At least I get a medal for my efforts, but you... I tried to kill your ass.

Dean: Well, good times.

Cole: My Dad, he got something inside him too right? You think this is what he felt like, when he turned.

Dean: Maybe, he was human before he was a monster.

Cole: I get it, why you did it Dean. My Dad wasn't my dad anymore, if I go down that same road, I want you to do that to me too.

Dean: That road? That means giving up. If you think that's where your headed, then you've got it ass backwards. You're gonna fight, harder then you ever have. You understand.

Cole: I appreciate the talk coach, but honestly all I can think about is slicing open your wrists and drinking you like a fountain. I guess that makes me a monster, don't it?

Dean: Don't blame yourself for Kit, man.

Sam: I can't help it Dean, it feels crappy.

Dean: I know it does.

Sam: I tried, I did, I tried. But I couldn't save this one.

Dean: You know you can do everything right, and even still sometimes, the guy still dies.

Paint It Black [10.16][edit]

Father Delaney: Is there anything else on your mind Agent Allman?

Dean: What if I said I... I didn't want to die... yet. And that I wasn't ready.

Father Delaney: Are you expecting to?

Dean: Always. The life I live, the work I do, I pretty much just figured that was all there was to me. You know, tearing around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass till I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought, sooner or later I'd go out the same way that I live. Pedal to the metal and that would be it.

Father Delaney: But Now?

Dean: Now, em, recent events made me think I may be closer to that than I really thought. And, I don't know, I mean there's... there's things, there's... people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.

Father Delaney: Go a little deeper perhaps than with Gina

Dean: Yeah, yeah I'm just starting to think that, maybe there's more to it all than I thought.

Father Delaney: Learning there's more to the universe than your tiny world can be a frightening discovery. You truly believe in God agent? Because that can be a comfort.

Dean: I believe there is a God... But I'm not sure he still believes in us.

Sam: I heard what Sister Matthias was saying about, you know, hiding pain by taking on a mission. And I... I know what you're doing a little bit, and it's okay. I mean, it's fine, I get it, I've done it before too. But I don't buy for one second that the mark is terminal diagnosis, so don't go making peace with that idea, there has to be a way, there will be a way and we will find it, that's what we do. So believe that.

Dean: Okay Sammy.

Sam: You wanna try that again like you mean it?

Dean: Okay.

Inside Man [10.17][edit]

Mr Price: What are you?

Castiel: I'm an angel.

Mr Price: No, you can't be!

Castiel: Why not?

Mr Price: Because I'm an atheist.

Sam: Not anymore.

Bobby: Hey, Sam? Remember when this job was just.. chopping up some fang and tossing back a cold one?

Sam: Yeh.. I miss that.

Angel: The Bobby's are fighting back. All hands, we need all hands. They're surly, I repeat the Bobby's are surly.

Dean: A wise man once told me, 'family don't end in blood.' But it doesn't start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them family's there; for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts. That's family. That sound like your mother?

Castiel: We have your grace, Metatron. You're mortal now. So you will answer our questions, or Sam will, um... What's the phrase? Blow your fricking brains out. It's called leverage, Metatron.

Sam: Learn it, live it, love it. How do we get rid of the Mark?

Book Of The Damned [10.18][edit]

Charlie: I'm exhausted, and I'm-I'm bleeding, and I'm in a phone booth. A phone booth, I didn't know these things existed outside of Bill & Ted's...

Sam: Until what? Tell me. Until what, Dean? Until I watch you become a demon again, until then? I can't do that, I won't do that.

Dean: Well then you'll just have to lock me up, bind me to the Bunker like you did last time.

Charlie: That doesn't solve anything.

Sam: Look jut let us translate the book, okay. if there is a cure we'll do it and deal with the consequences later. I can't lose you.

Dean: Really?

Sam: Yeah really.

Dean: You change your mind on that 'cause that's not what you said last time.

Sam: Come on man, you know I didn't mean-

Dean: This is my cross to bear Sam, mine. And that book is not the answer, now we gotta destroy it before it falls into the wrong hands, and that includes me.

Sam: You know, when Dean came to get me at school, I-I told myself... One last job, you know? One more job. And then when - when I, um... When I lost Jess, I, again, told myself, one more job. There's always one more job, you know? And one more job and one more job, and then I was gonna go back to law and - and to my life. I guess I really understand now that... This is my life. I love it. But I can't do it without my brother. I don't want to do it without my brother. And if he's gone, then I don't...

Metatron: You know we really do make a good team, kinda like a buddy comedy - without the comedy.

Castiel: Or the buddies.

Metatron: Now come on, back at the diner, that was some pretty awesome dynamic duo action.

Charlie: Do you think you could do anything about my carpal tunnel? [He places two fingers to her forehead] Is that it?

Castiel: Your carpal tunnel and your bullet wound are now healed. You may want to continue wearing your wrist brace at night though.

Charlie: [Punching his shoulder] Did we just become best friends?

The Werther Project [10.19][edit]

Dean: Come on, man. It's the only way I can take the edge off. I'm sorry. I don't always like to wait around for you, especially with you looking at me like that all the time.

Sam: Look at you like what?

Dean: Like that. Like I'm some sort of a-a-a diseased killer puppy. You know what, man? I'm sweaty and I'm covered in vamp juice. Can we just talk about this later? I'd like to get back to the bunker, get my buzz on, and, uh, you know, pass out watching "Speed 2 – Cruise Control." We cool?

Dean: You saw him? Oh, tell me you did. I'm sorry, but my name is Dwight Twilley. I'm with the neighborhood watch. We're – we're looking into a few recent break-ins. And if you saw the guy and you – you could give a description, it would be mighty helpful. If I could – if I could just have a minute of your time?

Suzie: You think Dean's the wild card, the loose cannon. But don't you see? Making deals with witches, opening Pandora's box down there? You're the reckless one. You'll do anything to keep clinging to that doomed brother of yours. How many more will die, Sammy? You know it. You have to be stopped. And the only one who can stop you is you! Do it, Sammy! End this farce once and for all!

Benny: Oh, I-I'm sorry. I forgot… about your plan. You gonna get Sam and Cas to put you down? You really think that they're gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let's say they do. Do you think they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them. This little backup plan of yours, I know you've been thinking about it for a time, I know it's been gnawin' at you. You can't leave that job to them.

Dean: The universe is trying to tell us something we both should already know. We're stronger together than apart.

Angel Heart [10.20][edit]

Castiel: I got it at the Hot Topical.

Claire: You always get along with your mom?

Sam: Never got the chance to find out. My mom died when I was a baby.

Claire: I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't-

Sam: Oh no, it's okay. I got to know her later in life. And yeah, I suppose we got along okay.

Claire: What?

Sam: In this line of work, death isn't always goodbye.

Dean: It's in the hole! It's in the hole! Bill Murray? Caddyshack?

Claire: Haven't seen it, not a fan.

Dean: How dare you!

Claire: Did you-did you see that? Did that go in the hole? I wasn't watching, did the ball go in the hole?

Dean: Happy Gilmore. Well played. [Mockingly] Did that go in, did that go in?

Dean: Claire, what happened to your dad, I'm sorry, okay, I really am. But, uh, there's something you gotta know; your dad's sacrifice was not meaningless, okay he gave up his body, his vessel. Because he did that, Cas was able to save the world, the world. Your father's a hero, he did not die in vain.

Dark Dynasty [10.21][edit]

Dean: Well, there's pretty much what we do know, that they screwed with financial markets, they helped Hitler get started, along with god knows what else - probably disco.

Sam: Uh, what about you? How you doing?

Dean: Oh, you mean the thing? Yeah. Yeah. You know, some dark thoughts, creepy visions, violent urges. Same old same old. I'm happy I got a murder to focus on, though.

Dean: [Answering Sam's phone] Cas?

Castiel: Sam.

Dean: No, it's Dean. What's up?

Castiel: Nothing. I'm just, uh... Just staying in touch... Like I do.

Dean: Something on your mind?

Castiel: No. This call is pointless. My ride's here.

Dean: You know I thought, man there's a lot of them Styne's, you know it's like alpha male central. And then I thought, and this is key, I thought, this is bad, but it would really blow if these guys had the book. At least they don't have the damn book.

Sam: Yeah.

Dean: At least the damn book burned, right Sam? But then Eldon Frankenstein hits me with this little fun fact, he says that the book can't be destroyed, says that it can't be slicked, diced, shredded, burnt, drowned, can not be destroyed. Ain't that crazy? Because I know I saw something burn [Sam's phone rings] Sam you answer that so help me.

Charlie: [On the phone to Sam] They think I have the book.

Sam: If you have the book give it to them.

Dean: Charlie has the damn Book of the Damned?!

Charlie: No, I don't have it. I just - I I just - I have my notes.

Sam: Then give them your notes, Charlie! Give them the code - whatever they want!

Dean: [Taking the phone from Sam] Charlie, I don't know what the hell is going on, but you need to listen to me. Give whoever that is whatever they want. You understand? Charlie?!

Charlie: I can't do that, Dean.

The Prisoner [10.22][edit]

Sam: Is that you talking or the mark?

Dean: Does it matter?

Sam: I have been the one out there, messed up and scared and alone. And Dean…

Castiel: Did whatever he could to save you.

Sam: Yes. I mean it's become his thing, I owe him this. I owe him everything. I know he pretends that he can ride the mark out, but we know the truth. We know what happens if we don't cure him. We both know where that road ends.

Castiel: Black eyes and blood.

Sam: Yes.

Crowley: You're right. I am a monster. And I've done bad. I've done things you cannot even imagine. Horrible, evil, messy things. And I've loved every. Damn. Minute.

Castiel: Maybe you could fight the mark for years. Maybe centuries, like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever. And when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I'm the one who will have to watch you murder the world. So if there's even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room.

Dean: You and Sam, stay the hell away from me. Next time I won't miss.

My Brother's Keeper [10.23][edit]

Crowley: Who summons anymore? Couldn't you call?

Castiel: You're not in my contacts list.

Death: Before there was light, before there was God and the archangels there wasn't nothing, there was the Darkness. A horribly destructive amoral force that was beaten back by God and his archangels in a terrible war. God locked the Darkness away where it could do no harm, and he created a Mark that would serve as both lock and key, which he entrusted to his most valued lieutenant... Lucifer. But the Mark began to assert its own will, revealed itself as a curse and began to corrupt. Lucifer became jealous of man, God banished Lucifer to Hell, Lucifer passed the Mark to Cain, who passed the Mark to you - the proverbial finger in the dyke.

Sam: Wait, [he pulls two pictures from his pocket] take these. And one day, when you make you're way back, let these be your guide. They can help you remember, what it was to be good, what it was to love.

Death: It's the family you must proceed, Dean. To be what you are, to become what you've become is a stain on their memory. Do it, or I will.

Dean: You okay?

Sam: I'll live. You?

Dean: Fantastic. I think I just killed Death.


	34. Game Lost Dead Office Recreation

Sayid Jarrah: [dying] I've tortured more people than I can remember. I murdered. Wherever I'm going...it can't be very pleasant.

Boone Carlyle: You're not pulling my leg, are ya?

John Locke: Why would I pull your leg?

Boone Carlyle: [laughing] This thing goes down, I'm sticking with you.

The Man in Black: [To Ben, after transforming back from the Smoke Monster] I'm sorry you had to see me like that.

Kate Austen: I need to go to the bathroom.

Edward Mars: Hold it.

Kate Austen: I can't hold it.

Edward Mars: Sure you can, kiddo. I believe in you.

Ben Linus: What are you?

The Man in Black: Wh.. I'm not a what Ben, I'm a who.

Ben Linus: You're the monster.

The Man in Black: Let's not resort to name calling.

Ben Linus: You used me... you couldn't kill him yourself, so you made me do it.

The Man in Black: I didn't make you do anything. You should know, he was very confused when you killed him.

Ben Linus: I seriously doubt that Jacob was ever confused.

The Man in Black: I'm not talking about Jacob. I'm talking about John Locke. Do you wanna know what he was thinking while you, choked the life outta him Benjamin? What the last thought that ran through his head was? [imitating Locke] "I don't understand". [smiles] Isn't that just the saddest thing you ever heard? But it's fitting in a way, because when John first came to the Island, he was a very sad man. A victim, shouting at the world for being told what he couldn't do, even though they were right. He was weak, and pathetic, and irreparably broken. But, despite all that, there was something admirable about him. He was the only one of them that didn't wanna leave. The only one, who realized how pitiful the life he'd left behind actually was.

Ben Linus: What do you want?

The Man in Black: Well that's the great irony here Ben because, I want the one thing that John Locke didn't. I want to go home.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [about Sayid's revival] Of course he's fine.

Kate Austen: What's that mean?

James "Sawyer" Ford: He's an Iraqi torturer who shoots kids. He definitely deserves another go around.

Miles Straume: Uh, as you can see, Hugo here has assumed the leadership position so that's...pretty great.

Miles Straume: So nothing? there wasn't anything? No white light? Angels singing? No dead relatives?

Sayid Jarrah: I remember being shot.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: You're not a zombie, right?

Sayid Jarrah: No. I'm not a zombie.

Kate Austen: Couple days ago, you asked me why I came back to the island... I need to find Claire. I thought, maybe if I could catch up to you, you could help me - and then, maybe if we could find her and bring her back to Aaron then maybe all of this wouldn't have been for nothing.

James "Sawyer" Ford: It's not your fault she's dead... It's mine. She was sittin' right there, right where you are now, tryin' to leave this place - and I convinced her to stay. I made her stay on this island because I didn't want to be alone. You understand that right? ... But, uh... But I think some of us are meant to be alone. [Sawyer glances down at ring he's holding] I was gonna ask her to marry me.

James "Sawyer" Ford: What are you?

The Man in Black: What I am is trapped. And I've been trapped for so long that I don't even remember what it feels like to be free. Maybe you can understand that. But before I was trapped, I was a man, James. Just like you.

James "Sawyer" Ford: I'm havin' a hard time believin' that...

The Man in Black: You can believe whatever you want, that's the truth. I know what it's like to feel joy... to feel pain, anger, fear... to experience betrayal. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. So if you wanna shoot me, shoot me. But you're so close, James. It would be such a shame to turn back now.

[at Locke's funeral]

Ben Linus: John Locke was a...a believer, he was a man of faith, he was... a much better man than I will ever be. And I'm very sorry I murdered him.

Frank Lapidus: [under his breath] Weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Why would he write my name on this wall? I never even met the guy.

The Man in Black: Oh no, I'm sure you did meet Jacob. At some point in your life, James, probably when you were young and miserable and vulnerable. He came to you, he manipulated you, pulled your strings like you were a puppet. And as a result, choices you thought were made, were never really choices at all. He was pushing you, James. Pushing you... to the Island.

Jack Shephard: I'm not going anywhere, Hurley.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah, I told him you'd say that. That's why he told me to tell you...You have what it takes, Jack.

Jack Shephard: [Jack stands, shocked] What did you say?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I said "you have what it takes." He said you'd know what it means.

Jack Shephard: And Jacob he's at this Lighthouse?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah, I think?

Jack Shephard: Ok. Well, let's go see Jacob.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: This is cool, dude. Very old school.

Jack Shephard: What?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: You know, you and me trekking through the jungle, on our way to do something that we don't quite understand. Good times.

Jacob: Jack is here because he has to do something. He can't be told what that is, he's got to find it himself. Sometimes you can just hop in the back of someone's cab and tell them what they are supposed to do. Other times you have to let them look at the ocean for a while.

The Man In Black: [to Jin and Claire] I hope I'm not interrupting anything?

Jin Soo-Kwon: John?

Claire Littleton: That's not John, silly. That's my friend.

[The Man in Black smiles]

The Man in Black: Dogen...the man who sent you out here, knew that you had no chance of killing me, and he believed that I would kill you if you tried. And this wasn't the first time that he tried to get someone else to do it for him was it?

Sayid Jarrah: No.

The Man in Black: Then shame on you, for being talked into it so easily.

Martin Keamy: Martin Keamy.

Sayid Jarrah: Sayid Jarrah. But you already know that.

Martin Keamy: Ah, that I do. Yeah. Alright...so, Sayid... how's your brother doin'? [to one of his henchmen] His brother got mugged right out front of his own store. It's just...terrible. But at least this way, you know, he's still around to take care of his family. You do want to take care of his family, don't you? Yes? You know, I can see that you're a very direct guy Sayid, so I'm just gonna get to the point. Your brother, he borrowed money from me. And just like anybody who borrows money or has a loan to pay, he has to make payments.

Sayid Jarrah: My brother told me he's paid you everything he owes. And that you still want more.

Martin Keamy: Sayid, that's a lie. Your brother does owe me, and somebody is gonna pay me that money.

Sayid Jarrah: Did you put my brother in the hospital?

Martin Keamy: What, you think it was me? I didn't do that. You know, it's a dangerous world, Sayid. And you know that because you're from Iraq. You never know when somebody's just gonna sneak up-

[Sayid suddenly attacks Keamy's henchmen]

Dogen: I was a business man once. In Osaka. I worked at a bank. I was good at my job. Very successful. And one Friday, I was promoted. My associates took me out to celebrate. I had too much to drink. Every Friday I picked my son up from baseball. He was twelve. The accident was very bad. I survived. But my son...And then, in the hospital, a man came to me. A man I had never met. And he told me that he could save my son's life, but I would have to come here... to this island... where I would have a new job. And I could never see my boy again.

Sayid Jarrah: Who was this man?

Dogen: His name was Jacob.

Sayid Jarrah: Jacob drives a hard bargain.

Ben Linus: Sayid? Come on. I know a way out of here. There's still time.

Sayid Jarrah: [smiling] Not for me.

Ilana Verdansky: This is what's left of Jacob's body. So tell me, Miles, how did he die?

Miles Straume: Linus killed him.

Ilana Verdansky: What?

Ben Linus: That's not true.

Ilana Verdansky: Are you sure?

Miles Straume: Well, he was standing over Jacob's dead body with a bloody dagger, so yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Roger Linus: This isn't the life I wanted for you, Ben. I wanted so much more.

Ben Linus: I know.

Roger Linus: That's why I signed up for that damn Dharma Initiative, and took you to the island, and they were decent people. Smarter than I'll ever be. Imagine how different our lives would've been If we'd stayed.

Ben Linus: Yes, we'd have both lived happily ever after.

Roger Linus: No, I'm serious, Ben. Who knows what you would've become.

Miles Straume: Why would I need your money when there are a couple of jabonies under there named Nikki and Paulo who got buried alive with $8 million in diamonds on top of them?

Ben Linus: I can't believe you're just gonna stand by and watch this happen. Ilana's gonna murder me for killing Jacob; A man who didn't even care about being killed!

Miles Straume: No, he cared.

Ben Linus: Excuse me?

Miles Straume: Right up until the second the knife went through his heart, he was hoping he was wrong about you. I guess he wasn't.

Richard Alpert: [to Jack] I devoted my life - longer than you can possibly imagine - in service of a man who told me that everything was happening for a reason, that he had a plan - a plan that I was a part of - and when the time was right that he'd share it with me. And now that man's gone. So why do I want to die? Because I just found out my entire life had no purpose.

Ilana Verdansky: What are you waiting for?

Ben Linus: I want to explain.

Ilana Verdansky: Explain what?

Ben Linus: I want to explain that I know what you're feeling.

Ilana Verdansky: You have no idea what I'm feeling.

Ben Linus: I watched my daughter, Alex, die in front of me. And it was my fault. I had a chance to save her, but I chose the island. Over her! All in the name of Jacob. I sacrificed everything for him. And he didn't even care. Yeah, I stabbed him. I was so angry. Confused. I-I was terrified that I was about to lose the only thing that had ever mattered to me: my power! But the thing that really mattered...was already gone. I'm sorry that I killed Jacob. I am. And I do not expect you to forgive me, because...I can never forgive myself.

Ilana Verdansky: Then what do you want?

Ben Linus: Just let me leave!

Ilana Verdansky: Where will you go?

Ben Linus: To Locke.

Ilana Verdansky: Why?

Ben Linus: [tearfully] Because he's the only one that'll have me!

Ilana Verdansky: I'll have you.

The Man in Black: I have to take responsibility for Claire's behaviour. I was the one who told her the Others had her baby.

Kate Austen: Why would you tell her that?

The Man in Black: Have you ever had an enemy? Someone that you needed to hate? Very powerful, isn't it? Claire was devastated without Aaron. She needed something to... something to keep her going. So, I gave her something to hate. And then... when you told her the truth... all those feelings, all that anger that she'd been holding on to for so long... it had to go somewhere.

Kate Austen: Very insighful... coming from a dead man.

The Man in Black: Well, nobody's perfect. I'm sorry that this happened. And I'm sure if you give her time, everything will be alright. I promised before that I would keep everyone safe. And that means you too, Kate.

The Man in Black: You referred to me as a dead man. I am not a dead man. I know what you're feeling, Kate. I know what you're going through.

Kate Austen: And how do you know that?

The Man in Black: Because... my mother was crazy. Long time ago, before I... looked like this... I had a mother, just like everyone. She was a very disturbed woman. And, as a result of that, I had some growing pains. Problems that I'm still trying to work my way through. Problems that could have been avoided had things been different.

Kate Austen: Why are you telling me this?

The Man in Black: Because now Aaron has a crazy mother too.

Charles Widmore: We didn't murder those people. But I don't expect you to believe that.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Good, I don't.

The Man in Black: Got to get you on your feet. Gonna need your strength if we're going to escape.

Richard Alpert: Escape?

The Man in Black: That's right. I'm afraid there's only one way to escape from Hell. You're going to have to kill the Devil.

Richard Alpert: I am in Hell. I know that I am in Hell.

Jacob: You really think you're dead?

Richard Alpert: Where else would I be?

Jacob: Think of this wine as what you keep calling hell. There's many other names for it too: malevolence, evil, darkness. And here it is, swirling around in the bottle, unable to get out because if it did, it would spread. The cork [he corks the bottle] is this island...and it's the only thing keeping the darkness where it belongs. That man who sent you to kill me believes that everyone is corruptible because it's in their very nature to sin. I bring people here to prove him wrong. And when they get here, their past doesn't matter.

Richard Alpert: Before you brought my ship, there were others?

Jacob: Yes, many.

Richard Alpert: What happened to them?

Jacob: They're all dead.

Richard Alpert: But if you brought them here, why didn't you help them?

Jacob: Because I wanted them to help themselves. To know the difference between right and wrong without me having to tell them. It's all meaningless if I have to force them to do anything. Why should I have to step in?

Richard Alpert: If you don't, he will.

Richard Alpert: I want my wife back.

Jacob: Can't do that.

Richard Alpert: Can you absolve me of my sins so I don't go to Hell?

Jacob: I can't do that either.

Richard Alpert: I never want to die. I want to live forever.

Jacob: Now that...[touches Richard's shoulder]...I can do.

Jacob: I see you got my present.

The Man in Black: Don't gloat, Jacob. It doesn't become you.

Jacob: So you tried to kill me?

The Man in Black: You expect an apology?

Jacob: No. I guess I'm just wondering why you did it.

The Man in Black: Because I want to leave. Just let me leave, Jacob.

Jacob: As long as I'm alive, you're not going anywhere.

The Man in Black: Well then, now you know why I want to kill you. And I will kill you, Jacob.

Jacob: Even if you do so, somebody else will take my place.

The Man in Black: Then I'll kill them too.

Sayid Jarrah: I don't feel anything.

The Man in Black: Excuse me?

Sayid Jarrah: Anger. Happiness. Pain. I don't feel it anymore.

The Man in Black: Maybe that's best, Sayid. It'll help you get through what's coming.

James "Sawyer" Ford: What do you need a boat for? Can't you just turn into smoke and fly your ass over the water?

The Man in Black: Do you think if I could do that I would still be on this island?

James "Sawyer" Ford: No, 'cause that would be ridiculous...

Martin Keamy: [watching Sun and Jin converse in Korean] Stop it. I feel like I'm in a damn Godzilla movie.

Charles Widmore: Do you know who I am?

The Man in Black: Charles Widmore. Do you know who I am?

Charles Widmore: Obviously you're not John Locke. Everything else I know is a combination of myth, ghost stories, and jungle noises in the night.

The Man in Black: I think you know more than that judging by these pylons.

Charles Widmore: Why did you come here?

The Man in Black: You took one of my people, Jin Kwon.

Charles Widmore: I have no idea what you're talking about.

The Man in Black: [beat] A wise man once said that war was coming to this Island, I think it just got here.

Martin Keamy: I got this. You go get the Arab guy.

Omar: Hey...I'm an Arab.

Martin Keamy: Just go pick him up

[Omar leaves and Keamy starts to tend to Jin's wound while tying him up]

Martin Keamy: Sorry about that. Omar is loyal but he lacks attention to detail. You don't really understand a word I'm saying to you right now, do you? Nothing? Right. Just hold still okay. I'm gonna strap you in here just in case you figure out what's about to happen to you, I can't have you freaking out. I don't think you realise how unhappy Mr. Paik was when he found out that you were doing his little girl. That other twenty five that you were supposed to deliver, that was my fee for popping you. From what I hear, now anyone who works for Paik knows the cardinal rule - hands off the boss's daughter. But you, you couldn't resist her, could you? The heart wants what the heart wants.

Jin Soo-Kwon: Thank you.

Martin Keamy: I'm sorry. Some people just aren't meant to be together.

Desmond Hume: Sacrifice? What the bloody Hell do you know about sacrifice?

Charles Widmore: My son died here for the sake of this island. Your wife - my own daughter - hates me. And I've never even met my grandson. But if you won't help me, Desmond, all of it will be for nothing. Penny, your son, and everyone else, will be gone forever.

Charles Widmore: You heard of a band called Drive Shaft?

Desmond Hume: No, can't say I have.

Charles Widmore: Their bass guitarist overdosed and uh, got himself arrested. And now, if I don't get this junkie to my wife's event she will, simply put, destroy me.

Libby Smith: It's okay, it's okay. I'm crazy.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Yeah, probably, but we all got something, right? I mean it takes a lot of guts to go up to a total stranger and tell them that you know them from some bizarro alternate universe ... I'm scared just, saying hi to a girl.

Libby Smith: You're doin' fine.

Richard Alpert: A while back, Jacob told me what the Island was, and if he's really standing here right next to me, then just ask him.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I don't have to prove anything to you, Richard. You either come with me or you can keep trying to blow stuff up. Your call, dude.

Richard Alpert: He's lying. Jacob isn't telling us what to do. Because Jacob never tells us what to do. I'm going to make this simple. If that thing leaves the island, that's it. I-it's over.

Miles Straume: What's over?

Richard Alpert: Everything.

The Man in Black: Remind me, Desmond, how long were you pressing the button down in that hatch?

Desmond Hume: Three years.

The Man in Black: And here you are, back for more. If I didn't know better, I'd say the Island has it in for you.

Desmond Hume: Oh there's nothing special about me, brother.

The Man in Black: I'm sorry.

Desmond Hume: You're here too. If I didn't know better, I'd say the Island has it in for all of us.

The Man in Black: I couldn't agree more.

[The Man in Black is unsettled when he sees the ghostly boy he saw before staring at them]

Desmond Hume: Who is that?

The Man in Black: ...Just ignore him.

Desmond Hume: Do you know that boy?

The Man in Black: I said ignore him!

[Desmond sees the boy smile and run away]

The Man in Black: Why aren't you afraid?

Desmond Hume: Excuse me?

The Man in Black: You're out here in the jungle, alone, with me. No one else on earth knows you're here. So I wanna know, why aren't you afraid?

Desmond Hume: What's the point in being afraid?

[MIB looks slightly intimidated, before smiling and then throwing Desmond down the well they were standing beside]

[Jack and The Man in Black are meeting for the first time]

Jack Shephard: You look just like him.

The Man in Black: Does it bother you?

Jack Shephard: No, what bothers me is I have no idea what the hell you are.

The Man in Black: Sure you do.

Jack Shephard: Why John Locke?

The Man in Black: Because he was stupid enough to believe he had been brought here for a reason. Because he pursued that belief until it got him killed. And because you were kind enough to bring his body back here in a nice little wooden box.

Jack Shephard: And he had to be dead before you could look like him?

The Man in Black: That's right.

Jack Shephard: And who else have you looked like?

The Man in Black: Jack, what do you really want to ask me?

Jack Shephard: Our third day here, I chased my father through the jungle, my dead father. Was that you?

The Man in Black: Yes, that was me.

Jack Shephard: Why?

The Man in Black: You needed to find water. Jack, I know this must be hard for you to understand, but all I've ever tried to do is help you.

Jack Shephard: To "help me?" To do what?

The Man in Black: Leave! But because Jacob chose you, you were trapped on this Island, before you even got here. Now Jacob's dead, we don't need to be trapped here. We can get on a plane and fly away anytime we want.

Jack Shephard: If we could just get on a plane and fly away, why would you even still be here?

The Man in Black: Because it has to be all of us.

[Jack still looks uncertain]

The Man in Black: What?

Jack Shephard: John Locke was the only one of us who ever believed in this place. He did everything he could to keep us from leaving this Island.

The Man in Black: John Locke was not a believer, Jack. He was a sucker.

The Man in Black: Were you following us, Claire?

Claire Littleton: Yeah,

The Man in Black: Why?

Claire Littleton: [Looking at Jack] Because he's my brother.

The Man in Black: Looks like you two have a lot of catching up to do. I'll leave you to it.

Jack Shephard: Claire, I'm- I'm sorry we-

Claire Littleton: Did he tell you? That he was the one pretending to be our father?

Jack Shephard: Yeah, he did.

Claire Littleton: You know I pretty much gave up hoping that any of you would come back. And now that you're here...it's good to see you, Jack.

Jack Shephard: Yeah, it's good to see you too.

Claire Littleton: Well, I've never had much in the way of family so it really means a lot that you're coming with us.

Jack Shephard: Actually, I haven't decided if I'm coming with you.

Claire Littleton: Yeah you have.

Jack Shephard: What do you mean?

Claire Littleton: You decided the moment you let him talk to you, just like the rest of us. So, whether you like it or not, you're with him now.

[Zoe, Widmore's associate, enters The Man in Black's camp]

The Man in Black: What can I do for you?

Zoe: You took something from us. We want him back.

The Man in Black: I don't know what you're talking about.

[Zoe goes for her walkie, MIB's people take aim on her]

The Man in Black: No, no, it's okay.

Zoe:[On her walkie] Show them what we're capable of.

[A few seconds later, a mortar round lands behind The Man in Black, causing an explosion. He doesn't even twitch, unimtimidated. Zoe gives him a walkie]

Zoe: You can call us on that when you're ready to return what you took.

[Zoe leaves. The Man in Black drops the walkie and crushes it with his stick]

The Man in Black: Well, here we go.

[after Widmore attacks with mortars, The Man in Black carries a wounded Jack into the jungle]

The Man in Black: Don't worry, Jack. Everything's going to be okay. You're with me, now.

The Man in Black: I need for you to trust me.

Jack Shephard: Why should I trust you?

The Man in Black: Because I could kill you, Jack. Right here, right now. And I could kill every single one of your friends, and there is not a thing you could do to stop me. But instead of killing you, I saved your life, and now I want to save them too.

The Man in Black: Are you sure you won't reconsider, Jack?

Jack Shephard: Yeah, I'm sure.

The Man in Black: Well whoever told you that you need to stay had no idea what they were talking about.

Jack Shephard: John Locke told me that I needed to stay. [pushes the Man in Black in the water]

Jack Shephard: Wait. [stops Sayid from pulling the wires out of the C4]

James "Sawyer" Ford: What the hell are you doing Doc?

Jack Shephard: Nothing is going to happen.

James "Sawyer" Ford: What?

Jack Shephard: Don't pull those wires out. We're going to be OK. Nothing is going to happen.

James "Sawyer" Ford: If I don't pull these wires, Locke is going to blow us to kingdom come.

Jack Shephard: No he's not! Locke can't kill us.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Uhh, what?

Jack Shephard: This is what he wanted. This has been what he has been waiting for. Everything that he has done has been to get us here. He wanted to get us all at the same place at the same time in a nice enclosed space where we had no hopes of getting out.

Jin Kwon: I don't understand.

Jack Shephard: Locke said that he couldn't leave the Island without us. I think that he can't leave the Island unless we're all dead. He told me that he could kill any one of us whenever he wanted, so what if he hasn't because he's not allowed to? What if he's trying to get us to kill each other?

James "Sawyer" Ford: Stay out of my way Doc.

Jack Shephard: If he wanted that thing to blow up, why did he put a timer on it? Why not just throw it inside?

James "Sawyer" Ford: I don't care.

Jack Shephard: Nothing is going to happen.

James "Sawyer" Ford: It's not your decision to make.

Jack Shephard: He can't kill us!

James "Sawyer" Ford: I'm not going to stand here and do nothing!

Jack Shephard: James... We are going to be OK. You just have to trust me.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Sorry Doc, I don't.

[Sawyer pulls the wires from the C4 and the clock then speeds up]

Sayid Jarrah: Listen carefully. There's a well on the main Island a half mile south from where we were just left. Desmond is inside it. Locke wants him dead, which means you are going to need him. Do you understand me?

Jack Shephard: Now why are you telling me this?

Sayid Jarrah: Because it is going to be you Jack. [Takes the bomb and runs]

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Sayid!

[Sayid gets to the front of the sub, away from the others, and the bomb goes off, killing him.]

The Man in Black: [Looking out at sea] It sunk...

Claire Littleton: You mean the sub? But everyone was on board. What, they're all dead?

The Man in Black: Not all of them.

[MIB grabs a rifle and his pack and starts off into the night]

Claire Littleton: Wait, where are you going?

The Man in Black: To finish what I started.

Mother: Every question I answer will simply lead to another question.

Mother: Jacob doesn't know how to lie. He's not like you.

Boy in Black: Why, what am I like?

Mother: You're...special.

Boy in Black: [as they play Senet] You can't do that, Jacob.

Jacob: Why not?

Boy in Black: Because it's against the rules.

Jacob: You made the rules.

Boy in Black: I found it. One day, you can make up your own game and everyone else will have to follow your rules.

Mother: May I join you?

Man In Black: [sheaths his dagger] Yes...how are you?

Mother: I'm worried.

Man In Black: Well, Mother, you should be. I spent 30 years searching for that place you brought me as a child-that...waterfall with that beautiful light. I've walked this island from end to end, not once coming close to finding it. But, then I began to think-what if the light underneath the island-what if I could get to it from someplace else? Figuring out how to reach it took a very long time.

Mother: The people with you, they saw this, too?

Man In Black: Yes, they have some very interesting ideas about what to do with it.

Mother: Do with it? You don't have any idea wh-

Man In Black: I have no idea because you wouldn't tell me, Mother!

[The Man In Black dislodges a stone, which allows light to filter in - Mother notices a large, wooden wheel leaning against the cavern wall]

Mother: What is that?

Man In Black: It's a wheel...we're going to make an opening...one much bigger than this one; and, then I'm going to attach that wheel to a system we're building. A system that channels the water and the light. And then I'm gonna turn it. And when I do...I'll finally be able to leave this place.

Mother: How do you know all this? How do you know it will work?

Man In Black: I'm special...Mother.

[Mother has brought Jacob to the cave of light]

Mother: Do you recognize this place?

Jacob: Yes,

Mother: Do you remember what I showed you here?

Jacob: The light.

Mother: You're going to protect it now.

Jacob: What's down there?

Mother: Life. Death. Rebirth. It's the source. The Heart of the Island. Just promise me that no matter what you do, you won't ever go down there.

Jacob: Would I die?

Mother: It would be worse than dying, Jacob. Much worse. [She pulls out a jug of wine and pours some into a cup. She whispers a Latin incantation over it] Here, drink this.

Jacob: What happens if I do?

Mother: You will accept the responsibility that you will protect this place for as long as you can. And then you'll have to find your replacement.

Jacob: I don't want to protect this place.

Mother: Someone has to.

Jacob: I don't care.

Mother: My time is over.

Jacob: Why, why is your time over?

Mother: It has to be you, Jacob!

Jacob: No it doesn't, you wanted it to be him [The Man in Black]! But now I'm all you have.

Mother: It was always supposed to be you, Jacob. I see that now. And one day you'll see it too. But until then, you don't really have a choice. Now please, take the cup and drink.

[Jacob drinks from the cup]

Mother: Now you and I are the same.

Richard Alpert: I'm not interested in hiding. He's gonna find me sooner or later anyway. I'd rather have it over with.

Miles Straume: These are both great plans, but I'm gonna go with surviving. If you need us, we'll be running through the jungle.

Ben Linus: [after killing Widmore] He doesn't get to save his daughter.

Jacob: You call him "the monster." But I'm responsible for what happened to him. I made him that way. And ever since then, he's been trying to kill me. It was only a matter of time before he figured out how, and when he did, someone would have to replace me. And that's why I brought you all here.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Tell me something, Jacob. Why do I gotta be punished for your mistake? What made you think you can mess with my life? I was doin' just fine 'til you dragged my ass to this damn rock.

Jacob: No, you weren't. None of you were. I didn't pluck any of you out of a happy existence. You were all flawed. I chose you because you were like me. You were all alone. You were all looking for something that you couldn't find out there. I chose you because you needed this place as much as it needed you.

Jack Shephard: Jacob didn't say anything to me about Desmond.

James "Sawyer" Ford: Doesn't sound like he said anything about anything.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: IThat's kind of true, dude. He's worse than Yoda.

James "Sawyer" Ford: All right, ya'll head to your heart of the island and I'll go back and get the magic leprechaun out of that well.

Jack Shephard: If we leave a trail can you catch up with us?

James "Sawyer" Ford: [nods] Hell, yeah, I can.

Jack Shephard: Then be safe.

James "Sawyer" Ford: [to Kate] I'd ask you along, but that'd take all of the fun out of me telling you you can't come.

Kate Austen: [smiles] I guess I'll just have to resist the urge to follow you anyway.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I got a bad feeling about this.

Kate Austen: Who died?

Desmond Hume: A man named Christian Shephard.

Kate Austen: "Christian Shephard"? Seriously?

The Man in Black: I'm sorry, Jack. I think you're a little confused about what I came here to do.

Jack Shephard: No, I'm not. No, you're going to the far side of the bamboo forest to the place that I've sworn that I'll protect. And then you think you're gonna destroy the island.

The Man in Black: I "think"?

Jack Shephard: That's right, because that's not what's gonna happen.

The Man in Black: Then what's gonna happen, Jack?

Jack Shephard: I'm gonna kill you.

The Man in Black: How do you plan to do that?

Jack Shephard: It's a surprise.

The Man in Black: If there was a button down there to push, we could fight about whether or not to push it. It'd be just like old times.

Jack Shephard: You're not John Locke. You disrespect his memory by wearing his face, but you're nothing like him. Turns out he was right about most everything. I just wish I could've told him that while he was still alive.

The Man in Black: He wasn't right about anything, Jack. And when this island drops into the ocean, and you drop with it, you're finally gonna realize that.

The Man in Black: [holding a knife to Jack's throat] I want you to know, Jack, you died for nothing!

Kate Austen: [shoots MIB in the back] I saved you a bullet!

[Jack gets to his feet; MIB looks out at the Island as it slowly crumbles]

The Man in Black: You're too late...

[Jack kicks the Man in Black over the cliffs, killing him]

Ben Linus: [over the walkie-talkie to Frank] Frank, how's it going over there? What's your timetable?

Frank Lapidus: [shouting] Don't bother me!

[Frank tosses the walke-talkie away]

Ben Linus: Sounds like they're making progress.

Jack Shephard: Desmond, you've done enough. You want to do something, go home and be with your wife and son.

Desmond Hume: What about you, Jack?

Jack Shephard: I'll see you in another life, brother.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Jack's gone.

[Hurley begins to cry]

Ben Linus: He did his job, Hugo.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: But it's my job now! What the hell am I gonna do?

Ben Linus: I think you'll do what you do best: Take care of people. And you can start by helping Desmond go home.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: How? People can't leave the Island.

Ben Linus: That was how Jacob ran things. Maybe there's another way, a better way.

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Can you help me?

Ben Linus: I'm sorry?

Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: I could sorta use someone with, like, experience. For a little while. So...will you help me, Ben?

Ben Linus: [emotional] I would be honored.

[Jack has entered the back of the church in the sideways world. He finds his father's coffin inside. Upon touching it the memories of his life on the Island come rushing back. He then opens the coffin and finds it is empty; he closes it disappointed]

Christian Shephard: Hey, kiddo.

Jack Shephard: [Shocked] Dad?

Christian Shephard: Hello, Jack.

Jack Shephard: ...I don't understand. You died.

Christian Shephard: Yeah, I did.

Jack Shephard: Then how are you here right now?

Christian Shephard: How are you here?

Jack Shephard: [beat] I died too.

Christian Shephard: [They hug as Jack becomes wracked with emotion] It's ok, it's ok, son. It's ok.

Jack Shephard: I love you, dad.

Christian Shephard: I love you too.

Jack Shephard: Are you...are you real?

Christian Shephard: [Laughs] I sure hope so. I'm real, you're real, everything that happened to you is real. The people in that church, they're real.

Jack Shephard: And everyone else, they're all dead too?

Christian Shephard: Everyone dies sometime, kiddo. Some before you, some long after you.

Jack Shephard: Are they all here now?

Christian Shephard: Well, there is no 'now' here.

Jack Shephard: Where are we, dad?

Christian Shephard: This is the place that you all made together so that you could find one another. The most important part of your life was the time that you spent with these people. That's why all of you are here. Nobody does it alone, Jack. You needed all of them and they needed you.

Jack Shephard: For what?

Christian Shephard: To remember and let go.

Jack Shephard: Kate. She said we were leaving.

Christian Shephard: Not leaving, no. Moving on.

John Locke: [to Jack] We've been waiting for you.

Lori Grimes: The baby is about to be here and we need to talk-

Rick Grimes: About what?

Lori Grimes: Things. We've been avoiding them-

Rick Grimes: You want to talk? Talk to Hershel. I'm doing stuff, Lori. Things

Tomas: It was coming at me, bro.

Rick Grimes: Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it. Shit happens.

[Rick kills Tomas]

Axel: I like my pharmaceuticals, but I'm no killer.

Oscar: I ain't never pleaded for my life. And I ain't about to start now.

Merle Dixon: Now, how's about a big hug for your old pal Merle?

Merle Dixon: I plucked you and your mute here out of the dirt, blondie. Saved your asses. How about a thank you?

Michonne: You had a gun on us.

Merle Dixon: Ooh, she speaks. Who ain't had a gun on 'em in the past year, huh? Show of hands, y'all. Anybody? Hmm? Shumpert, Crowley. Y'all had a gun on y'all? Hell I think I'd piss my pants if some stranger come walking up with his mitts in his pockets. That'd be the son of a bitch you'd really want to be scared of.

The Governor: Welcome to Woodbury!

Andrea: So what's your real name? If it's not asking too much.

The Governor: I never tell.

Andrea: Never say never.

The Governor: [beat] Never.

Lori Grimes: [to Carl] You are going to beat this world, I know you will. You are smart, and you are strong, and you are so brave, and I love you. You gotta do what's right. It's so easy to do the wrong thing in this world. So, so, if it feels wrong don't do it, alright? If it feels easy don't do it, don't let this world spoil you. You're so good, my sweet boy. Best thing I ever did and I love you, I love you. My sweet, sweet, boy I love you.

Merle Dixon: Look at this. She sent us a biter-gram, y'all.

Daryl Dixon: You know, my mom, she liked her wine. She liked to smoke in bed. Virginia Slims. I was playing out with the kids in the neighborhood. I could do that with Merle gone. They had bikes, I didn't. We heard sirens getting louder. They jumped on their bikes, ran after it, you know, hoping to see something worth seeing. I ran after them, but I couldn't keep up. I ran around a corner and saw my friends looking at me. Hell, I saw everybody looking at me. Fire trucks everywhere. People from the neighborhood. It was my house they were there for. It was my mom in bed burnt down to nothing. That was the hard part. You know, she was just gone. Erased. Nothing left of her. People said it was better that way. I don't know. Just made it seem like it wasn't real, you know?

Carl Grimes: I shot my mom. She was out. Hadn't turned yet. I ended it. It was real. I'm sorry about your mom.

Daryl Dixon: I'm sorry about yours.

The Governor: What happened tonight is horrible. We haven't have a day like that since the wall was built. I failed in my duty. I should say that we're going be OK, and we're safe we will bury our dead tomorrow and watch TV on the sofa. But I won't. Because I can't. Cause I'm afraid. I'm afraid that the terrorists want what we have! They want to destroy us! And worst. Because one of those terrorists is one of our own. Merle! The man I counted on! Man I trusted. He brought them here! He let them in. How could you! You lied! He betrayed us all! This is one of the terrorists huh. Merle's own brother! So what should we do with them, huh?

Woodbury Crowd: Kill them!

The Governor: What? What do you want?

Woodbury Crowd: Kill them!

The Governor: You wanted your brother. Now you got him.

The Governor: When I asked you where your loyalty was you said it was here. Well prove it. Prove it to us all. Brother against brother. The winner goes free. A fight, to the death!

Merle Dixon: The shit you doing, pointing that thing at me?

Daryl Dixon: They were scared, man.

Merle Dixon: They were rude is what they were. Rude and they owed us a token of gratitude.

Daryl Dixon: They didn't owe us nothing.

Merle Dixon: You helping people out of the goodness of your heart? Even though you might die doing it? Is that something your Sheriff Rick taught you?

Daryl Dixon: There was a baby!

Merle Dixon: Oh, otherwise you would have just left them to the biters, then?

Daryl Dixon: Man, I went back for you. You weren't there. I didn't cut off your hand, neither. You did that. Way before they locked you up on that roof. You asked for it.

Merle Dixon: You know what's funny to me? You and Sheriff Rick are like this now. Right? I bet you a penny and a fiddle of gold that you never told him that we were planning on robbing that camp blind.

Daryl Dixon: It didn't happen!

Merle Dixon: Yeah, it didn't. 'Cause I wasn't there to help you!

Daryl Dixon: What, like when we were kids, huh? Who left who then?

Merle Dixon: What?! Huh?! Is that why I lost my hand?!

Daryl Dixon: You lost your hand 'cause you're a simple-minded piece of shit!

[Merle grabs Daryl by the shirt]

Merle Dixon: Yeah? You don't know!

[Daryl's shirt rips open, Merle looks horrified, Daryl's back is covered with scars from years of childhood abuse]

Merle Dixon: I... I didn't know he was...

Daryl Dixon: Yeah, you did.

[Daryl tries to hastily cover up his back with the torn pieces of his shirt and his knapsack]

Daryl Dixon: He did the same to you. That's why you left first.

Merle Dixon: I can't go with you, I... I tried to kill that black bitch. Damn nearly killed that Chinese kid.

Daryl Dixon: He's Korean.

Merle Dixon: Whatever. Doesn't matter man I just can't go with you.

Daryl Dixon [to Merle]: I might be the one walking away, but you're the one who's leaving. Again.

Merle Dixon: You're the farmer, Hershel.

Hershel Greene: And you're the black sheep, Merle.

The Governor: I thought you were a cop, not a lawyer.

Rick Grimes: Either way, I don't pretend to be a governor.

Michonne: [in reference to her Walker "pets"] They deserve what they got. They weren't human to begin with.

Merle Dixon: [to Rick] You know something? You're right. I don't know why I do the things I do. Never did. I'm a damn mystery to me.

Merle Dixon: Maybe these people need somebody like me around, huh? Do their dirty work. The bad guy.

Merle Dixon: You got to play the hand you're dealt. I only got one.

Michonne: You talk about the weight of what you have to do, how you can handle it. A bad man, someone truly evil? They're light as a feather. They don't feel a thing.

Michonne: The truth is this could have been your shot. With your skills, a whole new beginning. But you choose to stay on the outside. No one's gonna mourn you, not even Daryl. He's got a new family.

Merle Dixon: You keep trying to get under my skin, I'm gonna cut that tongue out. Your buddy's turning you over 'cause he's trying to save his own ass. You're as much on the outside as I am, girl.

Michonne: Maybe. But once the Governor's done with me, at least I won't have to live with myself. You said you killed 16 men since this thing started? You ever kill anyone before?

Merle Dixon: No.

Michonne: And how about before Woodbury? Before you met him? Huh. So he saves your life, cleans you up, fed you a line of bullshit. Why would you kill somebody else for him? You know, we can go back.

Merle Dixon: Ain't happening.

Michonne: Both of us. We can just go back.

Merle Dixon: I can't go back. Don't you understand that? I can't.

[The Governor has subdued Merle, and draws his gun]

Merle Dixon: I ain't gonna beg. I ain't begging you!

The Governor: No. [shoots Merle]

The Governor: [to Milton] I told you to kill her but you didn't. And now you're gonna turn and you're gonna tear away the flesh from her bones. In this life now you kill or you die. Or you die and you kill.

Carl Grimes: You didn't wake me up.

Rick Grimes: I knew you were up all night reading comics with a flashlight.

Daryl Dixon: Smells good.

Carol Peletier: Just so you know, I liked you first.

Daryl Dixon: Stop. You know, Rick brought in a lot of them, too.

Carol Peletier: Not recently. Give the stranger sanctuary, keep people fed, you're gonna have to learn to live with the love.

Patrick: [to Daryl] Uh, Mr. Dixon? I just want to say thank you for bringing that deer back yesterday. It was a real treat, sir. And I'd be honored to shake your hand. [Daryl licks his fingers then shakes Patrick's hand]

Rick Grimes: Wasn't much use without my gun.

Daryl Dixon: No, you were. All this time you've taking off, you earned it. We wouldn't be here without you.

Rick Grimes: It was all of us.

Daryl Dixon: No, it was you first. You gonna help us figure this out?

Rick Grimes: I screwed up too many times. Those calls you gotta make, I start down that road... I almost lost my boy - who he was. Whatever else this place needs, I'm here for it.

Daryl Dixon: Like I said, you earned it. But for what it's worth, you see mistakes. I see when the shit hits, you're standing there with a shovel.

Daryl Dixon: I'm gonna take a group out. Best not waste any more time.

Michonne: I'm in.

Hershel Greene: You've haven't been exposed. Daryl has. You get in the car with him...

Michonne: He's already given me fleas.

Daryl Dixon: Those douchebags in the vines took themselves out, holding hands, kumbaya-style.

Bob Stookey: They wanted to go out together same as they lived. That makes them douchebags?

Daryl Dixon: It does if they could have gotten out.

Hershel Greene: Some council meeting, huh?

Sasha: We're two members short.

Hershel Greene: I think we should make some new rules before they get back. I hereby declare we have spaghetti Tuesdays every Wednesday. First we have to find some spaghetti.

Tyreese: How's Glenn doing?

Hershel Greene: He made it through the night. He's breathing on his own now. Maggie and Bob are with him. He seems stable enough for me to get some air.

Daryl Dixon: He's a tough son of a bitch.

Hershel Greene: He is.

Daryl Dixon: You're a tough son of a bitch.

Hershel Greene: I am.

Megan Chambler: [Holding up a pawn] What's this one called?

The Governor: That's a pawn. They're your soldiers.

Megan Chambler: Do they die?

The Governor: Sometimes.

Megan Chambler: Do you lose if they die?

The Governor: [Glances in the bedroom] No, not necessarily. You can lose a lot of soldiers but still win the game.

[Megan holds up the king]

The Governor: That's the king. That's the guy you want to capture.

[Megan goes to the kitchen counter, returns with a Sharpie]

The Governor: What're you doing?

Megan Chambler: You'll see.

[Megan uses Sharpie on the king pieces, then holds up the king with eye patch markings]

Megan Chambler: Looks like you.

The Governor: Yeah.

[Phillip chuckles, admires the king piece]

The Governor: Come on, let's play.

The Governor: [Setting up chess pieces] See, these are pawns...

The Governor: You can't think forever. Sooner or later, you've got to make a move.

Megan Chambler: You never let me win anyway.

The Governor: Well, that wouldn't be winning. That's what my daddy used to say. He used to beat me at chess, too. Heck, he used to beat me at everything.

Megan Chambler: Was your dad mean?

The Governor: Sometimes.

Megan Chambler: Were you bad?

The Governor: Sometimes.

Pete Dolgen: Man, what happened here? I mean, what the hell is going on in this cabin? Were they storing those biters?

Caesar Martinez: They were his wife and kid, man.

Pete Dolgen: No, they were biters. What about those heads?

Caesar Martinez: Belonged to the guys who did the wrong thing to the wrong man.

The Governor: Probably best not think too much about it.

Mitch Dolgen: Better listen to One Eye Bri, Pete. I can never tell if he's winking or blinking. But you know how to regulate. Don't you, Bri? He was always like this, Martinez?

Caesar Martinez: Oh, yeah. Ice in the veins. You should have seen him back in the day.

Mitch Dolgen: End of the world don't mean shit when you got a tank.

Pete Dolgen: I was Army, too. Stationed out of Fort Benning. Stayed for a while after it all started.

Mitch Dolgen: That's my Pete. He's too loyal to bounce.

The Governor: I remember the first smoke I ever had. Me and my brother huddled in the garage puffing on one of my dad's Lucky Strikes. He must have smelled the smoke, because he came barging in looking to beat up on us. But my brother got between us. Said he stole them. Wasn't true. It was me. But that was my brother. Hero. He got two black eyes and a broken rib for that. And I got beat anyway.

Glenn Rhee: I could use a vacation. Get away. Just for a weekend.

Maggie Greene: Yeah.

Glenn Rhee: You know, our anniversary is coming up.

Maggie Greene: It is?

Glenn Rhee: One of these days.

Maggie Greene: You've ever been to Amicalola Falls? Tallest waterfalls in Georgia.

Glenn Rhee: Mm-mmm.

Maggie Greene: My Dad took me there when I was little. When we were up there, all the way at the top looking down, I felt like I was flying.

Glenn Rhee: I'll go load up the station wagon.

Hershel Greene: If you understand what it's like to have a daughter, then how can you threaten to kill someone else's?

The Governor: Because they aren't mine.

The Governor: Rick! Come down here. We need to talk.

Rick Grimes: It's not up to me. There's a council now. They run this place.

The Governor: Is Hershel on the council? What about Michonne? She on the council, too?

Rick Grimes: I don't make decisions anymore.

The Governor: You're making the decisions today, Rick. Come down here. Let's have that talk.

Rick Grimes: [points to Tara] You. You in the ponytails. Is this what you want? Is this what any one of you want?

Mitch Dolgen: What we want is what you got. Period. Time for you to leave, asshole.

Rick Grimes: Look, I fought him before. And after, we took in his old friends. They've become leaders in what we have here. Now you put down your weapons, walk through those gates you're one of us. We let go of all of it, and nobody dies. Everyone who's alive right now. Everyone who's made it this far. We've all done the worst kinds of things just to stay alive. But we can still come back. We're not too far gone. We get to come back. I know we all can change.

[The Governor looks at Michonne's sword, and there is a tense pause]

The Governor: [quietly] Liar.

[decapitates Hershel]

Rick Grimes: NO! [draws his revolver & fires at the Governor]

The Governor: Go through the fences. Get in your cars, get your guns. We go in, kill them all!

Rick Grimes: Don't look back, Carl. Just keep walking.

Carl Grimes: I tied the door shut.

Rick Grimes: We don't need to take any chances.

Carl Grimes: You don't think it'll hold?

Rick Grimes: Carl.

Carl Grimes: It's a strong knot. Clove hitch. Shane taught me. Remember him?

Rick Grimes: Yeah, I remember him. I remember him every day.

Beth Greene: [writing in her diary] Hey. I know it's been a while. I'm gonna be honest, I forgot about you. After the farm, we were always moving. But something happened. Something good. Finally. We found a prison. Daddy thinks that we can make it into a home. He says we can grow crops in the field, find pigs and chickens, stop running, stop scavenging. Lori's baby is just about due. She'll need a safe place when it comes. The rest of us, we just need a safe place to be. I woke up in my own bed yesterday. My own bed in my own room. But I've been keeping my backpack. Keeping my gun close. I've been afraid to get my hopes up thinking we can actually stay here. The thing is, I've been starting to get afraid that it's easier just to be afraid. But this morning Daddy said something. If you don't have hope, what's the point of living? So I unpacked my bag and I found you. So I'm gonna start writing in you again. And I'm gonna write this down now because you should write down wishes to make them come true. We can live here. We can live here for the rest of our lives.

Tara Chambler: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Brian, that man, told us you were bad people. I know it's not true. I can see it's not, so what we did, what I did I mean, I'm a piece of shit. Why would you want my help?

Glenn Rhee: I don't want it, I need it. I have to find Maggie.

Tara Chambler: Who's Maggie?

Glenn Rhee: She's my wife.

Tara Chambler: You guys got separated?

Glenn Rhee: I was on the bus and then I got off to help and she didn't see me.

Tara Chambler: How do you know if she made it?

Glenn Rhee: I don't know. But Hershel, Maggie's father, was a great man. And he told me all I had to do was believe, and that's what I'm gonna do.

Abraham Ford: Son of a dick.

Beth Greene: So you want to spend the rest of our lives staring into a fire and eating mud snakes? Screw that.

Beth Greene: [to Daryl] I know you look at me and you just see another dead girl. I'm not Michonne. I'm not Carol. I'm not Maggie. I've survived and you don't get it 'cause I'm not like you or them. But I made it and you don't get to treat me like crap just because you're afraid.

Beth Greene: You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon.

Daryl Dixon: Merle had this dealer. This janky little white guy. A tweaker. One day we were over at his house watching TV. Wasn't even noon yet and we were all wasted. Merle was high. We were watching this show and Merle was talking all this dumb stuff about it. And he wouldn't let up. Merle never could. Turns out it was the tweaker's kid's favorite show. And he never sees his kids, so he felt guilty about it or something. So he punches Merle in the face. So I started hitting the tweaker like, hard. As hard as I can. Then he pulls a gun, sticks it right here. He says, "I'm gonna kill you, bitch." So Merle pulls his gun on him. Everyone's yelling. I'm yelling. I thought I was dead. Over a dumb cartoon about a talking dog. The tweaker punched me in the gut. I puked. They both started laughing and forgot all about it.

Joe: [to Daryl] A bowman. I respect that. See a man with a rifle, he could have been some kind of photographer or a soccer coach back in the day. But a bowman's a bowman through and through.

Joe: Why hurt yourself when you can hurt other people?

Lizzie Samuels: Did you have kids?

Carol Peletier: I did. A kid. A daughter.

Lizzie Samuels: What was she like?

Carol Peletier: She was sweet. She didn't have a mean bone in her body.

Lizzie Samuels: Is that why she isn't here now?

Mika Samuels: When we were giving them names, we were just pretending things weren't bad. Things are bad. Those things, they're bad. They are. We can't pretend anymore.

Lizzie Samuels: I'm not pretending. You were.

Tyreese: The whole world is haunted now.

Eugene Porter: I'm well aware it sounds bananas. But looking at the fossil record, knowing what I know about this infection, you cannot say for certain it isn't what killed off the dinosaurs. Now, do I believe that's what happened? No. But it's enjoyable as hell to think about an undead ankylosaur going after a diplodocus. That there is a video game worth a pre-order.

Joe: See, going it alone, that ain't an option nowadays. Still, it is survival of the fittest. That's a paradox right there. So I laid out some rules of the road to keep things from going Darwin every couple hours. Keep our merry band together and stress-free. All you got to do is claim. That's how you mark your territory, your prey, your bed at night. One word, claimed.

Daryl Dixon: There ain't no us.

Joe: You leaving right now? No? Then it sure seems like there's an a cat person, Daryl? I am. Loved 'em since I was three years old. Vicious creatures. Anyway, I'll tell you, and this is true, ain't nothing sadder than an outdoor cat that thinks he's an indoor cat.

Joe: [with regard to Len] Well teach him a lesson, gents. He's a lying sack of shit. I'm sick of it. Teach him all the way.

Joe: Seems to me like things are finally starting to fall together. At least for guys like us.

Joe: [to Rick] Look, we can settle this. We're reasonable men. First, we're gonna beat Daryl to death. Then we'll have the girl. Then the boy. Then I'm gonna shoot you and then we'll be square.

Joe: [to Rick] What the hell are you gonna do now, sport?

[Rick lunges forward and rips open Joe's throat with his teeth, killing him]

Dan: [holds Carl at knifepoint] I'll kill him!

Michonne: [to Dan while aiming a revolver at him] Let the boy go.

Rick Grimes: [to Michonne as he prepares to gut Carl's captor] He's MINE.

Michonne: We went to a refugee camp. Andre and my boyfriend Mike, that was Andre's father, and our friend Terry. At the camp, it just got worse and worse. People were leaving. People giving up. But I didn't. I was coming back from a run. I saw the fences were down. I heard the moans. It was over. And Mike and Terry, they were high when it happened. They were bit. Could have stopped it. Could have killed them. But I let them turn. I made it so they couldn't bite, couldn't scratch. I tied chains around their necks. It was insane. It was sick. It felt like what I deserved, dragging them around so that I would always know. I found out that they kept me safe. They hid me. The walkers didn't see me anymore. I was just another monster.

Rick Grimes: They're gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out...

Abraham Ford: Find out what?

Rick Grimes: They're screwin' with the wrong people.

First Lannister soldier : You lost, friend?

Oberyn Martell: Forgive me for staring...I don't see many Lannisters where I'm from.

First Lannister soldier: [smirks] I don't see many Dornishmen in the capital.

Oberyn Martell: [knowingly] We don't like the smell! [laughs, as Ellaria arrives and tries to draw him away]

Ellaria Sand: Come with me, lover...

Second Lannister soldier: ([assumes Ellaria is a whore]) Gods, look at this one!

Olyvar: Sirs, if you follow me I'll arrange for a private room-

Second Lannister soldier: Why are you wasting a woman like this on a Dornishman? Bring him a shaved goat and a bottle of olive oil! [laughs dismissively; Olyvar looks nervous, Oberyn smiles and steps forward as Ellaria watches]

Oberyn Martell: Do you know why all the world hates a Lannister? [both soldiers stand up, their whores hurriedly exit] You think your gold... and your lions, and your gold lions make you better than everyone. [the second soldier eyes his sword on the table] May I tell you a secret? You're not a golden lion. You're just a pink little man who's far too slow on the draw. [after a long beat, the second soldier makes a grab for his sword, but Oberyn instantly rams a dagger through his wrist, skewering his arm to the table. The soldier screams in agony; the first soldier half-draws his sword, but hesitates as Oberyn leans close to his companion] Long sword is a bad option in close quarters. [looks to the first soldier] When I pull my blade, your friend starts bleeding, quite a lot, I'm afraid; so many veins in the wrist. [he twists the dagger slightly, causing the soldier to scream again] He'll live if you get him help, straight away. So... [bares his teeth into a grin as Tyrion Lannister enters] Decisions.

Tyrion Lannister: Prince Oberyn! Forgive the intrusion, we heard there might be...[he breaks off as Oberyn wrenches his dagger free, causing the soldier to scream again] ...trouble. [The first soldier hastily drags his wounded friend out of the brothel]

Oberyn Martell: [to Ellaria] Apologies, my love. [he and Ellaria begin kissing passionately, while Oberyn and Bronn look on awkwardly]

Tyrion Lannister: I'm here to welcome you to the capital... [Eventually, Ellaria and Oberyn acknowledge his presence]

Oberyn Martell: [indicates Ellaria] Ellaria Sand, my paramour. [to Ellaria, gesturing at Tyrion] The King's own uncle Imp, Tyrion, son of Tywin...Lannister.

Tyrion Lannister: If there's anything I can do to make your stay in King's Landing more-

Oberyn Martell: [talking over him, to Bronn] And what are you, his hired killer?

Bronn: It started that way, aye. Now I'm a knight.

Oberyn Martell: How did that come to pass?

Bronn: Killed the right people, I suppose. [Oberyn grins, he and Bronn laugh, Tyrion joins in quickly]

Oberyn Martell: We'll need a few more girls. [Bronn nods while Tyrion shakes his head, Oberyn raises an eyebrow] You don't partake?

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, I partook, now I'm married. [pause] Prince Oberyn-a word, if I may, in private?

Oberyn Martell: It seems I visited the Lannister brothel by mistake.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, they take all kinds.

Oberyn Martell: Even Dornishmen.

Tyrion Lannister: The King is very grateful that you traveled all this way for his wedding.

Oberyn Martell: Ah, let us speak truth here; Joffrey is insulted. I am only the second son, after all.

Tyrion Lannister: Well, speaking as a fellow second son, I have grown rather used to being the family insult. [Oberyn chuckles] Why did you come to King's Landing, Prince Oberyn?

Oberyn Martell: I was invited to the royal wedding.

Tyrion Lannister: I thought we were speaking truth.

Oberyn Martell: [beat] The last time I was in the capital was many years ago. Another wedding. My sister Elia and Rhaegar Targaryen, the last dragon. My sister loved him. She bore his children. Swaddled them, rocked them, fed them at her own breast, Elia wouldn't let the wet nurse touch them. And beautiful, noble Rhaegar Targaryen...left her for another woman. That started a war and the war ended right here when your father's army took the city.

Tyrion Lannister: [hesitantly] I wasn't actually present-

Oberyn Martell: They butchered those children. My nephew and niece. Carved them up and wrapped them in Lannister cloaks. And my sister, you know what they did to her? [Tyrion doesn't answer; Oberyn lifts his chin with a finger until their eyes are locked] I'm asking you a question.

Tyrion Lannister: I've heard rumors. [shoves Oberyn's hand away]

Oberyn Martell: [chuckles coldly] So have I. The one I keep hearing is that Ser Gregor Clegane, the Mountain, raped Elia and split her in half with his greatsword.

Tyrion Lannister: I wasn't there. I don't know what happened-

Oberyn Martell: If the Mountain killed my sister, your father gave the order. [beat] Tell your father I'm here. And tell him the Lannisters aren't the only ones who pay their debts. [Oberyn exits, Tyrion watching him apprehensively]

[Dany sees that the Meereenese have used a crucified slave girl as a road-marker]

Jorah Mormont: (grimly) There's one on every mile-marker between here and Meereen.

Daenerys Targaryen: How many miles are there between here and Meereen?

Jorah Mormont:...One hundred and sixty-three, Your Grace.

Barristan Selmy: I'll tell our men to ride ahead and bury them. You don't need to see this-

Daenerys Targaryen: You will do no such thing. I will see each and every one of their faces. (stares up at the slave-child) Remove her collar, before you bury her.

Alliser Thorne: So you admit you murdered Qhorin Halfhand?

Jon Snow: I didn't murder him.

Alliser Thorne: No? You put your sword through a brother of the Night's Watch. What do you call that?

Jon Snow: He wanted me to kill him.

Janos Slynt: A bastard son of a traitor. What would you expect?

Jon Snow: The Halfhand believed our only chance to stop Mance was to get a man inside his army.

Alliser Thorne: Don't talk about the Halfhand as if you knew him. He was my brother.

Jon Snow: Then you'd know he'd do anything to defend the Wall. The free folk would have boiled him alive, but letting me kill him-

Janos Slynt: The free folk? Listen to him. He even talks like a wildling now.

Jon Snow: Aye, I talk like a wildling. I ate with the wildlings. I climbed the Wall with the wildlings. I...I laid with a wildling girl.

Janos Slynt: [glances at the others] You admit to breaking your vows, then?

Jon Snow: I do.

Janos Slynt: The law is the law. The boy must die.

Maester Aemon: If we beheaded every ranger who lay with a girl, the Wall would be manned by headless men.

Alliser Thorne: There's a difference between sneaking off to the Mole's Town brothel and sleeping with the enemy.

Jon Snow: While we sit here, debating which rules I broke, Mance Rayder marches on the Wall with an army of a hundred thousand.

Alliser Thorne: Impossible. You can't get fifty wildlings together before they start killing each other.

Jon Snow: One hundred thousand. He's united the Thenns, the Hornfoots, the ice-river clans, there's giants fighting for him.

Janos Slynt: Giants? [snorts and starts to laugh before noticing the look on Ser Alliser's face]

Jon Snow: Have you ever been beyond the Wall, ser?

Janos Slynt: I commanded the City Watch of King's Landing, boy.

Jon Snow: And now you're here. You must not have been very good at your job.

Janos Slynt: [jumps to his feet] How dare you?!

Jon Snow: There's a band of wildlings south of the Wall already, led by Tormund Giantsbane. I killed their warg and three others. They shot me full of arrows. Their orders are to attack Castle Black from the south when Mance hits it from the north. The signal for the attack will be a bonfire. Mance said it would be the greatest fire the North has ever seen. That's the truth. All the truth. [Slynt unceremoniously seats himself] Do you intend to execute me or am I free to go?

Maester Aemon: None of us are free. We are men of the Night's Watch. But we won't be taking your head today, Jon Snow.

Polliver: Hey- I know you. (Arya looks up frightened, thinking he's referring to her; she reaches for Sandor's sword under the table) You're the Hound! (comes over to their table, Arya lets go of the sword) Pour our new friend some ale! (glances from Sandor to Arya) What brings you so far north?

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane: I could ask the same of you. What're you doing up here?

Polliver: (shrugs) Just keepin' the King's peace.

Sandor Clegane: No need- war's over.

Polliver: So I've heard. (the inkeeper brings them ale) Stannis defeated at the Blackwater, Robb Stark killed at the Twins, and where am I for all of it? Stuck with your brother. (hastily) Meaning no offense-

Sandor Clegane: None taken.

Polliver: He's good, the Mountain is- best at what he does. But- torture, torture, torture, torture. You spend enough time puttin' a hammmer to people, and you start to feel like a carpenter making chairs. Drains the fun right out of it! (Arya and Sandor stare blankly back at him) And what's life without a little fun? (looks at Arya and sniggers) Well, I don't need to tell you that, eh?

Sandor Clegane: (glances at Arya) She's all right- I've had better.

Polliver: (laughs) You know what? You should come with us. (indicates the inkeeper) His kind, they've always got something hidden away- gold, silver, more daughters. Always something, if you know how to make em talk- and there's plenty of 'em between here and King's Landing. You could do well for yourself. We certainly have been!

Sandor Clegane: (looks away for a moment)...I'm not going to King's Landing.

Polliver: But, think about it- we can do whatever we like, wherever we go! (gestures at his armor) These are the King's colors. No one's standing in his way now... which means no one's standing in ours.

Sandor Clegane: (leans forward)...Fuck the King. (Polliver's smile vanishes; his comrades look in their direction. Arya smirks)

Polliver: (long pause)...When I heard that Joffrey's dog had turned tail and run at the Battle of the Blackwater, I didn't believe it. But, here you are-

Sandor Clegane: Here I am. (drains his ale cup, stares coldly at Polliver) Bring me one of those chickens.

Polliver: You got money to pay for it?

Sandor Clegane: You paid for it?

Polliver: (smirks)No- but we're the King's men. So- you got money?

Sandor Clegane: (shakes his head mockingly) Not a penny- I'll still take that chicken.

Polliver: Tell you what- we'll trade you. One of our little chickens for one of yours (stares menacingly at Arya, who looks back at him) Give us a go at your friend. (gestures over his shoulder) Lowell there likes them a bit broken in. (Lowell chuckles, Polliver and Sandor stare each other down)

Sandor Clegane:...You're a talker. (smirks) Listening to talkers...makes me thirsty. (deliberately picks up Polliver's ale cup and drains it) And hungry. Think I'll take two chickens. (Polliver glances over his shoulder meaningfully at his men, then turns back to the Hound)

Polliver: You don't seem to understand the situation.

Sandor Clegane: I understand, that if any more words come pouring out your cunt mouth... I'm gonna have to eat every fucking chicken in this room. (nods at Polliver's men)

Polliver: You lived your life for the King- you gonna die for some chickens?

Sandor Clegane:...Someone is. (long pause, then Polliver goes for his sword, but Sandor and Arya flip the table over on him; Sandor attacks Polliver's men)

Jaime Lannister: My brother tells me you keep your mouth shut- unusual talent, for a sellsword.

Bronn: He tells me you shit gold, just like your father.

Jaime Lannister: (tosses Bronn a small pouch of gold, his pay) Is this place safe?

Bronn: There's this knight- er, Laygood. Got thunderbolts on his shield? (Jaime nods) Right here is where I fuck his wife. She's a screamer, that one- if they don't hear her, they won't hear us. (whistles as Jaime brings out his Valyrian steel blade) I've never seen Valyrian steel before- she's a beauty. Problem is, if you fight with an edged blade, I'll have to- and if I fight with an edged blade, I'll have no one left to pay me. (pulls two blunted swords out of his bag and drops one on the ground)

Jaime Lannister: (irritably) I haven't used a sparring sword since I was nine (just as he grabs the practice sword, Bronn hits him on the wrist with his blade, forcing him to drop it) Bold warrior you are, attacking a man when his guard's down.

Bronn: Best time to attack a man! (attacks as Jaime picks up the sword; they spar for a moment, then Bronn shoves him against a rock wall) Mind yourself!

Jaime Lannister: (angrily) If I still had my right hand-

Bronn: (sarcastically) Plan on growin' it back? (Jaime attacks, they spar for a few moments, with Jaime getting the worst of it)

Jaime Lannister: (collects himself)...Come on, then. (they continue sparring)

[Ramsay and a shaking, semi-catatonic Theon/Reek meet with Roose]

Ramsay: Father. (shoves Theon forward, Roose gets up and inspects him more closely)

Roose:...What did you do to him?

Ramsay: I trained him. He was a slow learner, but he learned.

Roose: You flayed him.

Ramsay: Peeled a few bits. Removed a few others.

Roose: (steps towards Ramsay, for the first time showing a hint of anger) This was Balon Greyjoy's son and heir.

Ramsay: We've been flaying our enemies for a thousand years. The flayed man is on our banners-

Roose: My banners, not yours. You're not a Bolton, you're a Snow. (steps away, Ramsay seething at the reminder of his bastard status) Tywin Lannister has given me the North, but he won't lift a finger to help me take it. As long as the Ironborn hold Moat Cailin, our armies are trapped south of the Neck. Theon was a valuable hostage, not your plaything. I wanted to trade him for Moat Cailin.

Ramsay: I already asked. Lord Greyjoy refused. Savages have-

Roose: You sent terms to Balon Greyjoy without my consent?

Ramsay: You made me Acting Lord of the Dreadfort. I acted.

Roose: (comes back over to face Ramsay) I had to smuggle myself into my own lands thanks to the Greyjoys. I needed Theon. I needed him whole.

Ramsay: Theon was our enemy. But Reek? Reek will never betray us.

Roose: I place far too much trust in you. (turns away contemptuously)

Ramsay: ...Reek, how could you let me stand before my father unshaven? It's disrespectful.

Theon/Reek: Sorry, my lord.

Ramsay: [to Locke] Give him the razor.

[Ramsay sits in a chair and Theon/Reek is handed a razor; Roose turns around to watch]

Ramsay: I'm not a Bolton, father. What does it matter? Go on, Reek. A nice, close shave.

[Reek begins carefully shaving Ramsay]

Ramsay: Reek, tell father, where are Bran and Rickon Stark?

Theon/Reek: I don't know, my lord.

Roose: You murdered them and displayed their corpses at Winterfell.

Ramsay: Reek, did you murder the Stark boys?

Theon/Reek: No, my lord. Just two farm boys.

Ramsay: And crisped them so no one would know.

Theon/Reek: Yes, my lord.

Ramsay: The Starks have always ruled the North. If Bran and Rickon are alive, the country will rally to their side now that Robb Stark is gone.

[Theon/Reek stops shaving]

Ramsay: Oh, that's right, Reek. Robb Stark is dead. Sorry. I know he was like a brother to you, but my father put a knife through his heart. How do you feel about that?

[Theon/Reek pauses a moment, his razor resting on Ramsay's jugular vein, but then he resumes and completes the shave]

Roose: (to Locke) You ready for a hunt?

Locke: Always.

Roose: Find those boys and I'll give a thousand acres and a holdfast.

Locke: Your pet rat have any thoughts on which way they went after Winterfell?

Theon/Reek: Jon Snow is at Castle Black.

Locke: Who the fuck's Jon Snow?

Roose: Their bastard brother. He could be sheltering them. He may know where they are.

Ramsay: Even if he doesn't, he's half Stark himself. He could be a threat.

Roose: You want to prove yourself a Bolton? Gather whatever men you can and ride for Moat Cailin. Bring this creature of yours. Maybe he'll be of some use. Take the Moat for the family - for our family - and I'll reconsider your position.

Oberyn Martell: Your Grace. Lord Tywin.

Tywin Lannister: Prince Oberyn.

Oberyn Martell: I don't believe you have met Ellaria. This is the Lord Hand Tywin Lannister and Cersei Lannister the Queen Regent. I suppose it is former Queen Regent now. Lord Hand and Lady Cersei, Ellaria Sand.

Ellaria Sand: My lord. My lady.

Tywin Lannister: Charmed.

Cersei Lannister: Can't say I've ever met a Sand before. (Ellaria glares at her)

Ellaria Sand: We are everywhere in Dorne. I have 10,000 brothers and sisters.

Oberyn Martell: Bastards are born of passion, aren't they? We don't despise them in Dorne.

Cersei Lannister: No? How tolerant of you.

Oberyn Martell: I expect it is a relief, Lady Cersei, giving up your regal responsibilities. Wearing the crown for so many years must have left your neck a bit crooked.

Cersei Lannister: I suppose you'll never know, Prince Oberyn. It's a shame your older brother couldn't attend the wedding.

Tywin Lannister: (hastily) Please give him our regards. With any luck, the gout will abate with time and he will be able to walk again.

Oberyn Martell: They call it the rich man's disease. A wonder you don't have it, Lord Tywin.

Tywin Lannister: Noblemen in my part of the country don't enjoy the same lifestyle as our counterparts in Dorne.

Oberyn Martell: People everywhere have their differences. In some places the highborn frown upon those of low birth. In other places, the rape and murder of women and children is considered...distasteful. What a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent, that your daughter Myrcella has been sent to live in the latter sort of place. (Cersei's smile vanishes)

Joffrey: Well fought. Well fought. Here you are. Champion's purse. Though you're not the champion yet, are you? A true champion defeats all the challengers. Surely there are others out there who still dare to challenge my reign. Uncle. How about you? I'm sure they have a spare costume.

[Tyrion smiles and stands up.]

Tyrion: One taste of combat was enough for me, Your Grace. I would like to keep what remains of my face. I think you should fight him. This was but a poor imitation of your own bravery on the field of battle. I speak as a firsthand witness. Climb down from the high table with your new Valyrian sword and show everyone how a true king wins his throne. Be careful, though. [Nods towards the champion dwarf.] This one is clearly mad with lust. It would be a tragedy for the king to lose his virtue hours before his wedding night.

[Enraged and humiliated, Joffrey walks over to Tyrion and empties his goblet over his uncle's head.]

Tyrion: A fine vintage. Shame that it spilled.

Joffrey: It did not spill.

Margaery Tyrell: My love, come back to me. It's time for my father's toast.

Joffrey: [He does so] Well, how does he expect me to toast without wine? [To Tyrion] Uncle, you can be my cupbearer seeing as you're too cowardly to fight.

Tyrion: Your Grace does me a fine honor.

Joffrey: [Dryly] It's not meant as an honor.

[A brief pause, and Tyrion gets up to take the cup, but Joffrey drops it. As Tyrion bends to pick it up, Joffrey kicks it underneath a table. Everyone stares with disbelief.]

Joffrey: Bring me my goblet.

[Tyrion goes underneath the table searching for the goblet. Sansa picks it up and hands it to Tyrion, who, in turn, hands it to Joffrey.]

Joffrey: What good is an empty cup? Fill it. [Tyrion fills the cup with wine and hands it to Joffrey] Kneel. [Tyrion looks at him] Kneel before your king. [Pause] Kneel. [Pause as Tyrion glares at Joffrey; Getting angry] I said... kneel! [Tyrion keeps glaring at him]

Margaery Tyrell: Look, the pie.

Joffrey Baratheon: (as Tyrion and Sansa try to leave while Joffrey and Margaery are sharing pigeon pie) Uncle. Where are you going? You're my cupbearer, remember?

Tyrion Lannister: I thought I might change out of these wet clothes, Your Grace.

Joffrey Baratheon: (with his mouth full) No, no, no. No, you're perfect the way you are. (the Tyrells stare at him in disgust) Serve me my wine. (Tyrion glances at Sansa, then goes to do so) Well, hurry up. This pie is dry. (As Tyrion picks up Joffrey's full goblet, he doesn't notice Olenna staring at it. He hands the cup to Joffrey, who gulps at it as Tyrion walks past him) Mm, good. Needs washing down.

Tyrion Lannister: (turns back towards Joffrey) If it please Your Grace, Lady Sansa is very tired.

Joffrey Baratheon: No. (coughs, points commandingly at Tyrion) No, you'll wait here... (coughs again) un- (continues coughing)

Tyrion Lannister: (walks back towards Joffrey) Your Grace?

Joffrey Baratheon: (short of breath, he takes a gulp of wine to try and alleviate his coughing) It's nothing.

[Cersei and Tywin both shift in their chairs, realising something is wrong; Joffrey, gasping for breath, turns towards Margaery, who sees the alarm on his face.]

Margaery Tyrell: He's choking!

Olenna Tyrell: Help the poor boy. [Joffrey staggers away from the table, choking frantically.] Idiots, help your king.

Jaime Lannister: Move away! [He pushes his way through the crowd and runs towards Joffrey as he collapses, choking and vomiting.] Joffrey! Joffrey! [He grabs his son by the shoulder and tries to help him up.]

Cersei Lannister: Help him! (shoves past Margaery and runs towards her son) Someone help him!

Jaime Lannister: Joffrey!

[Amid the confusion, court fool Dontos Hollard appears behind Sansa)

Dontos Hollard: (to Sansa) Come with me now.

Cersei Lannister: Joffrey! Joffrey!

('the group at Joffrey's side turn him over as he continues to writhe in agony, his face turning purple, while Cersei repeatedly calls his name. Margaery turns away in horror, Tywin stares down at the scene grimly, moving in front of Tommen to hide the scene from him.)

Dontos Hollard: (to Sansa) If you want to live, we have to leave.

Cersei Lannister: Don't touch him! Joffrey. Please, Joffrey. (still choking, Joffrey stares up at her through a haze of pain) Joffrey, what is it? Help him!

[With his last ounce of strength, Joffrey points to the one whom he thinks killed him- Tyrion, who, ironically, has picked up Joffrey's cup and is sniffing it for traces of poison. Cersei and Jaime both follow his gesture- Cersei with rage, Jaime with disbelief. As Joffrey begins to bleed from his nose and eyes, he wheezes out his last breath and finally dies.]

Cersei Lannister: (bursts into tears of grief) My son.

Man: He's gone. Our king is gone.

Cersei Lannister: (sobbing, she turns to glare at Tyrion) He did this. He poisoned my son, (to the crowd at large) your king. (to the Kingsguard) Take him. Take him! Take him! Take him! (the Kingsguard seize Tyrion as Cersei stares down at Joffrey's body)

Tywin Lannister: Your brother is dead. Do you know what that means? [Tommen hesitates in answering] I'm not trying to trick you.

Tommen Baratheon: It means I'll become king.

Tywin Lannister: Yes, you will become king. What kind of king do you think you will be?

Tommen Baratheon: A good king?

Tywin Lannister: I think so as well; you have the right temperament for it. But what makes a good king, hmm? What is a good king's single most important quality?

Cersei Lannister: This is hardly the place or the time-!

Tommen Baratheon: Holiness?

Tywin Lannister: Baelor the Blessed was holy and pious. He built this sept. He also named a six year old boy High Septon because he thought the boy could work miracles. He ended up fasting himself into an early grave because food was of this world and this world was sinful.

Tommen Baratheon: Justice?

Tywin Lannister: A good king must be just. Orys the First was just; everyone applauded his reforms, nobles and commoners alike, but he wasn't just for long. He was murdered in his sleep after less than a year by his own brother. Was that truly just of him, to abandon his subjects to an evil that he was too gullible to recognize?

Tommen Baratheon: No. What about strength?

Tywin Lannister: Yes, strength. King Robert was strong; he won the rebellion and crushed the Targaryen dynasty. And he attended three Small Council meetings in seventeen years of ruling, and he spent his time whoring, hunting and drinking until the last two killed him. So, we have a man who starves himself to death, a man who lets his own brother murder him and a man who thinks winning and ruling are the same thing. What do they all lack?

Tommen Baratheon: Wisdom?

Tywin Lannister: Yes!

Tommen Baratheon: Wisdom is what makes a good king.

Tywin Lannister: Yes. But what is wisdom? A house with great wealth and fertile lands asks you for your protection against another house with a strong navy that could one day oppose you. How do you know which choice is wise and which is not? Any experience of treasuries and granaries? Or shipyards and soldiers?

Tommen Baratheon: No.

Tywin Lannister: Of course not. A wise king knows what he knows and what he doesn't. You're young. A wise young king listens to his councilors and heeds their advice until he comes of age. And the wisest kings continue to listen to them long afterwards. Your brother was not a wise king. Your brother was not a good king. If he had been, he'd probably still be alive.

[Pod has come to visit Tyrion in his cell]

Tyrion:...Podrick. Apologies for the stench-

Podrick Payne: I brought you some wine, m'Lord, but they took it from me. (reaches into his boot)

Tyrion Lannister: A noble effort-

Podrick Payne: They didn't find the candles, though (starts laying items on a bench) A quill, some parchment- duck sausage, almonds- and some hard cheese.

Tyrion Lannister:...You're a good lad. (pause) Any word of Shae?

Podrick Payne: (shakes his head) I've heard nothing, my Lord.

Tyrion Lannister: (nods) I suppose that's a good thing. (Podrick nods, looking nervous) What are they saying about me, out there?

Podrick Payne: You're to stand trial, in a fortnight- for murdering the King.

Tyrion Lannister: Do you believe I murdered Joffrey?

Podrick Payne: (shakes his head firmly) No, m'Lord. You didn't.

Tyrion Lannister: (nods in agreement) No. Gods, no. The world is a better place without him, but I had nothing to do with it. (pause) I'd like to think, if I were planning a Royal assassination, I would arrange it in such a way that I wouldn't be standing there, gawking like a fool when the King died. (Pod smiles) Trial in a fortnight... have they announced the judges yet?

Podrick Payne: (sits down) Your father-

Tyrion Lannister: Of course.

Podrick Payne: Lord Mace Tyrell-

Tyrion Lannister: Who will vote exactly as my father tells him to vote-

Podrick Payne: And Prince Oberyn of Dorne.

Tyrion Lannister: (looks up, surprised) Oberyn? (realizes what Tywin's up to, and laughs) Leave it to my father- never fails to take advantage of a family tragedy.

Podrick Payne: I'm supposed to get a list of names from you, my Lord- anyone who might testify on your behalf.

Tyrion Lannister: (mockingly) Oh! I can call my own witnesses? (Pod nods) How generous of them! Very well- my wife, Sansa.

Podrick Payne: My Lord- she's gone.

Tyrion Lannister: (confused) Gone?

Podrick Payne: (nods) No one's seen her, since the wedding. (Tyrion stares at him, pause) You don't think she-

Tyrion Lannister: (gets up, walks over to the wall) No one had more cause to kill Joffrey than Sansa, but the girl's no assassin. No- whoever killed the King wanted me to lose my head for it- and with my wife's disappearance, it makes me seem that much more guilty. (looks at Pod urgently) Podrick-

Podrick Payne: Yes, my Lord?

Tyrion Lannister: They'll be following you, now.

Podrick Payne: Who, my Lord?

Tyrion Lannister: I don't know! They- they! The ominous "They"! The men pulling the strings- or women. My father- maybe Joffrey was too much work for him. Sweet Tommen will be so much easier to handle. (starts pacing back and forth, with Pod watching him) Whenever something bad happens to me, I assume it's my sister that had a hand in it- but say what you will of Cersei, she loves her children. She is the only one I'm certain had nothing to do with this murder... which makes this unique, as King's Landing murders go.

Podrick Payne:...Any other witnesses, my Lord?

Tyrion Lannister:...Varys could vouch for me, if he dared.

Podrick Payne: He's already been called as a witness for the Queen.

Tyrion Lannister: (nods) Of course. Fetch Bronn, I have a job for him-

Podrick Payne: I've already asked, m'Lord- they won't let him see you.

Tyrion Lannister: Why not?

Podrick Payne: They say he's a known cutthroat, and your close associate- he's under investigation himself.

Tyrion Lannister: My brother- will they at least allow me to see Jaime?

Podrick Payne: (nods) I'll ask, m'Lord. (Tyrion sits down again, Podrick gets up and goes to the door, but pauses, then comes back over to Tyrion) There's something else, my Lord. (Tyrion looks up at him) A man- I didn't know his face- he came to ask if I'd testify against you. Said I'd be named "Ser Podrick Payne" if I told the judges you bought a poison called "the Strangler".

Tyrion Lannister: "Ser Podrick Payne"? Has a nice ring to it. What did you tell him?

Podrick Payne: (firmly) I didn't tell them anything, my Lord.

Tyrion Lannister:...Are you going to accept their offer?

Podrick Payne: (looking shocked that Tyrion would suggest such a thing)...My Lord?

Tyrion Lannister: (urgently) Testifying against me wasn't a suggestion. If they can't tempt you with honey, they'll choose something less sweet.

Podrick Payne: (stubbornly) You've been good to me, my Lord-

Tyrion Lannister: (sharply) Pod. The trial's in a fortnight- they'll want an answer before that.

Podrick Payne: I've already given them my answer, my Lord.

Tyrion Lannister: (gets up) I will not have you dying on my behalf! Do you hear me?! if I have to take that long walk to the executioner's block, I don't want to see your head already mounted-

Podrick Payne: (almost in tears) My Lord-

Tyrion Lannister: Pod, I am giving you an order. Go and find my brother, tell him I need him- and get yourself out of King's Landing, before it's too late! (Pod looks away sadly) Pod! (Pod looks up at him) This is farewell.

Podrick Payne:... Farewell, my Lord. (turns to leave)

Tyrion Lannister: Pod (Pod turns around)...There has never lived a more loyal squire.

Margaery Tyrell: So am I the queen?

Olenna Tyrell: More than you were with Renly. Less than you would have been if Joffrey had done you the courtesy of consummating the marriage before dying. In any case, this would not be an opportune moment to press the issue.

Margaery Tyrell: Clawing at his own throat, looking to his mother to make it stop... it was horrible.

Olenna Tyrell: The world is overflowing with horrible things. But they're all a tray of cakes next to death. They brought me your grandfather's body when he died, you know? Made me look at it.

Margaery Tyrell: What was it like?

Olenna Tyrell: They took me to the Great Hall and there he was. The man I'd married and suffered to father my children. A great doughy lump I'd sat next to at endless dinners and tedious gatherings. There he was... lying on a table.

Margaery Tyrell: One of my husbands preferred the company of men and was stabbed through the heart. Another was happiest torturing animals and was poisoned at our wedding feast. (laughs bleakly) I must be cursed.

Olenna Tyrell: Nonsense. Your circumstances have improved markedly. You may not have enjoyed watching him die, but you enjoyed it more than you would have enjoyed being married to him, I can promise you that.

Margaery Tyrell: But I would have been the Queen.

Olenna Tyrell: Our alliance with the Lannisters remains every bit as necessary to them as it is unpleasant for us. You did wonderful work on Joffrey. The next one should be easier.

Old Man: We ask the Father to judge us with mercy accepting our human frailty. We ask the Mother to bless our crops so we may feed ourselves and all who come to our door. We ask the Warrior to give us courage in these days of strife and turmoil. We ask the Maiden to protect Sally's virtue to keep her from the clutches of depravity.

Sandor Clegane: You got to do all seven of the fuckers?

Arya Stark: Father!

Old Man: We ask the Smith to strengthen our hands and our backs so we may finish the work required of us. We ask the Crone to guide us on our journey from darkness to darkness.

Sandor Clegane: And we ask the Stranger not to kill us in our beds tonight for no damn reason at all.

Arya Stark: I'm so sorry. [tastes the stew] Really good.

Old Man: Did you fight at the Twins?

Sandor Clegane: Call that a fight? Slaughtering livestock more like.

Old Man: The Red Wedding they're calling it. Walder Frey committed sacrilege that day. He shared bread and salt with the Starks. He offered them guest right.

Sandor Clegane: Guest right don't mean much anymore.

Old Man: It means something to me. The gods will have their vengeance. Frey will burn in the seventh hell for what he did.

Alliser Thorne: (in response to calls for reprisals against the Wildling raids) If we go after them, we'll be giving them what they want. They want to draw us out, pick us off a few at a time.

Maester Aemon Targaryen: We have just over 100 men- and that's including Stewards, Builders... and me. We cannot afford to lose a single man. We must remember our first responsibility- we are the Watchers on the Wall. (Jon nods, the other Brothers and the escaped villagers look upset)

Pyp: There's got to be a way to protect them. (Thorne glares at him)

Alliser Thorne:...You're a champion of the common people, Lord Snow. What do you say to Brother Pyp's proposition?

Jon Snow:...Mance Rayder is coming. If the Wildlings breach the Wall, they'll roll over everything and everyone for a thousand miles before they reach an army that can stop them. (Pyp looks away, defeated)

Alliser Thorne: We need to shore up Castle Black, and we need to defend the Wall. That is our job. (suddenly, a horn sounds once from outside)

Pyp: Rangers returning! (they all rush outside)

[Grenn and Edd, both frigid and exhausted, have returned from Craster's Keep]

Alliser Thorne: What took you so long?

Grenn: We were held up.

Alliser Thorne: By what?

Grenn: Chains. (shows the welts on his wrists)

Dolorous Edd: (shivering) We were guests of the mutineers at Craster's Keep-

Jon Snow: (urgently) Are the mutineers dead?

Grenn: They're not going anywhere. They've got Craster's food, and Craster's wives. (Jon steps back, pondering their words)

Dolorous Edd: Poor girls- never thought they'd miss their daddy.

Grenn: Karl's running things now. He's the one, put a knife through Craster's mouth.

Jon Snow: (turns around) We need to ride north, and kill them all.

Alliser Thorne: We just went over this, boy- justice can wait.

Jon Snow: It's not about justice! (pause) I told the Wildlings we had over a thousand men at Castle Black alone. (Thorne turns to face him) Karl and the others know the truth, as well as we do. How long do you think they'll keep that information to themselves when the Wildlings are peeling their fingernails off? (pause, he and Thorne face each other) Mance has all he needs to crush us- he just doesn't know it yet. As soon as he gets his hands on them, he will. Then, he'll throw his full strength at us- and even if every one of us kills a hundred Wildlings, there's still not a thing we can do to stop them! (Thorne looks away, considering his words)

Pyp:...I don't think I can kill a hundred Wildlings.

Davos Seaworth: Westeros is not the world, Your Grace. We need to look east for ships and men. 10,000 skilled soldiers fight for the Golden Company.

Stannis Baratheon: [disgusted] The Golden Company?

Davos Seaworth: They've never broken a contract.

Stannis Baratheon: They're sellswords.

Davos Seaworth: We're willing to use blood magic to put you on the throne, but we're not willing to pay men to fight? Now the Red Woman's magic is real. Her visions and prophecies may be, too, but I've never heard of visions and prophecies winning a war. Soldiers win wars. Soldiers on the ground. It's dirty on the ground.

Stannis Baratheon: We don't have any gold.

Davos Seaworth: Not yet.

Stannis Baratheon: If I do not press my claim, my claim will be forgotten. I will not become a page in someone else's history book. I'm running out of time, Ser Davos. Which means you're running out of time.

Oberyn Martell: I'm sorry about your grandson.

Tywin Lannister: Are you?

Oberyn Martell: I don't believe that a child is responsible for the sins of his father- or his grandfather. An awful way to die...

Tywin Lannister: Which way is that?

Oberyn Martell: Are you interrogating me, Lord Tywin?

Tywin Lannister: Some believe the king choked.

Oberyn Martell: Some believe the sky is blue because we live inside the eye of a blue-eyed giant. The king was poisoned.

Tywin Lannister: I hear you studied poisons at the Citadel.

Oberyn Martell: I did. This is why I know.

Tywin Lannister: Your hatred for my family is...rather well known. You arrive in the capital, an expert in poisoning; some days later, my grandson dies of poisoning.

Oberyn Martell: Rather suspicious. Why haven't you thrown me in a dungeon?

Tywin Lannister: You spoke with Tyrion in this very brothel on the day you arrived. What did you discuss?

Oberyn Martell: [amused] You think we conspired together?

Tywin Lannister: What did you discuss?

Oberyn Martell: The death of my sister. [approaches Tywin menacingly]

Tywin Lannister: For which you blame me.

Oberyn Martell: [angrily] She was raped and murdered by the Mountain. The Mountain follows your orders. Of course I blame you.

Tywin Lannister: [cocks an eyebrow] I stand before you unarmed, unguarded. Should I be worried?

Oberyn Martell: [smiles coldly] You are unarmed and unguarded because you know me better than that. I'm a man of reason; if I slit your throat today, I will be drawn and quartered tomorrow.

Tywin Lannister: Men at war commit all kinds of crimes, without their superiors' knowledge.

Oberyn Martell: So you're denying involvement in Elia's murder?

Tywin Lannister: Categorically. [long pause, then Oberyn turns away]

Oberyn Martell: I would like to speak with the Mountain.

Tywin Lannister: [raises his eyebrows again, smiles] I'm sure he would enjoy speaking with you.

Oberyn Martell: He might not enjoy it as he thinks he would.

Tywin Lannister: I could arrange for this meeting-

Oberyn Martell: But you want something in return.

Tywin Lannister: There will be a trial for my son and as custom dictates, three judges will render a verdict. I will preside, Mace Tyrell will serve as the second judge and I would like you to be the third.

Oberyn Martell: Why?

Tywin Lannister: Not long ago, the Tyrells sided with Renly Baratheon, declared themselves enemies of the throne; now they are our strongest allies-

Oberyn Martell: Well, you made the Tyrell girl a Queen. Asking me to judge at your son's trial isn't quite as tempting.

Tywin Lannister: I will also invite you to sit on the Small Council, to serve as one of the new king's principal advisors. [Oberyn sips his wine, then turns around]

Oberyn Martell: I never realized you had such respect for Dorne, Lord Tywin.

Tywin Lannister: We are not Seven Kingdoms until Dorne returns to the fold. The king is dead, the Greyjoys are in open rebellion, a wildling army marches on the Wall and in the East, a Targaryen girl has three dragons. Before long, she will turn her eyes to Westeros. Only the Dornish managed to resist Aegon Targaryen and his dragons.

Oberyn Martell: [grins] You're saying you need us? That must be hard for you to admit.

Tywin Lannister: We need each other. You help me serve justice to the King's assassins... and I will help you serve justice to Elia's. [Offers Oberyn his hand to shake]

[A single rider has ridden out of Meereen to meet Daenerys and her army]

Daenerys Targaryen: What is he doing?

Barristan Selmy: I believe he means to...

[The Mereen Champion pisses on the ground, while shouting in Giscari]

Missandei: He says that we're an army of men without man parts. He claims you are no woman at all, but a man who... hides his cock in his own arsehole.

Barristan Selmy: Ignore him, Your Grace. These are meaningless words.

Jorah Mormont: They're not meaningless if half the city you intend to take is listening to them.

Daenerys Targaryen:I have something to say to the people of Meereen. [points to the shouting champion] First, I will need this one to be quiet. Do I have a champion?

Grey Worm: (in Valyrian) Allow me, Mother of Dragons. I will not disappoint you.

Daenerys Targaryen: (in Valyrian) You are the commander of my Unsullied- I cannot risk you. (Grey Worm nods)

Barristan Selmy: Your Grace, I've won more single combats than any man alive-

Daenerys Targaryen: Which is why you must remain by my side. (Ser Barristan nods ruefully)

Jorah Mormont: I've been by your side longer than any of them, Khaleesi. Let me stand for you today as well.

Daenerys Targaryen: (smiles and shakes her head) You're my most trusted adviser, my most valued general and my dearest friend- I will not gamble with your life.

Daario Naharis: (steps forward) I was the last to join your army. I'm not your General, or a member of your Queensguard, or the commander of your Unsullied. My mother was a whore; I come from nothing- and, before long, I will return to nothing. Let me kill this man for you.

Daenerys Targaryen: (sizes him up) Very well. (turns back towards Meereen) You have quite an audience- make it worth their while. (Daario strides towards the Meereenese champion)

Missandei:..He is very brave, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen: Yes. Win or lose... as long as the whole city is watching.

After Daario has effortless dispatched Mereen's champion, Daenerys addresses the slaves of Meereen

Daenerys Targaryen: I am Daenerys Stormborn. Your Masters may have told you lies about me, or they may have told you nothing. It does not matter. I have nothing to say to them. I only speak to you. First, I went to Astapor. Those who were slaves in Astapor, now stand behind me, free. Next I went to Yunkai. Those who were slaves in Yunkai, now stand behind me, free. Now I have come to Meereen. I am not your enemy. Your enemy is beside you. Your enemy steals and murders your children. Your enemy has nothing for you but chains and suffering, and commands. I do not bring you commands. I bring you a choice. And I bring your enemies what they deserve.

Mossador: You heard her. She said she came to free us!

Old slave: You're a fool. The Masters are too strong.

Mossador: She will protect us. She defeated the Masters' champion. She has a great army. You want to live the rest of your life in chains?

Adult slave: I want to live. You saw what they did to those children. What do you think they'll do to us?

Old slave: I've been through two slave revolts, boy. They always end the same way: the Masters in power and the slaves dead.

Grey Worm: All men must die. But I promise you, a single day of freedom is worth more than a lifetime in chains.

Old slave: Who are you?

Grey Worm: This one is called Grey Worm. I was taken as a baby by the Masters of Astapor, raised and trained as Unsullied. Now I fight for Daenerys, the Mother of Dragons and Breaker of Chains.

Old slave: You are Unsullied? They taught you how to fight before you could walk. We are not soldiers!

Adult slave: We have no training, no weapons.

Grey Worm and the Unsullied dump bags filled with swords on the ground.

Grey Worm: There are three slaves in this city for every Master. No one can give you your freedom, brothers. If you want it, you must take it.

Daenerys Targaryen: Remind me, Ser Jorah, how many children did the Great Masters nail to mileposts?

Jorah Mormont: 163, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: Yes, that was it. [nods to the Unsullied]

Barristan Semly: Your Grace, may I have a word? The city is yours. All these people, they're your subjects now. Sometimes it is better to answer injustice with mercy.

Daenerys Targaryen: I will answer injustice with justice.

Jaime Lannister: What the hell was that?

Bronn: That was me knocking your ass to the dirt with your own hand.

Jaime Lannister: You're a rare talent. When you're fighting cripples, anyway.

Bronn: You learned to fight like a good little boy. I'll bet that thrust through the Mad King's back was pretty as a picture. You want to fight pretty or you want to win?

Jaime Lannister: You talk to my brother this way?

Bronn: All the time. He got used to it.

Jaime Lannister: Do you think he did it?

Bronn: No. Oh, he hated the little twat, sure. But who didn't? And poison's not his style. Or murder, for that matter. You want to know for sure, why don't you ask him? You haven't been to see him yet, eh?

Jaime Lannister: We're done for today.

Bronn: Your brother ever tell you how I came into his service?

Jaime Lannister: You stood for him in his trial by combat at the Eyrie.

Bronn: Aye. But only when Lady Arryn demanded the trial take place that day. You were his first choice. He named you for his champion because he knew you would ride day and night to come fight for him. You gonna fight for him now?

Jaime Lannister: To tell you the truth, this isn't so bad. Four walls. A pot to piss in. I was chained to a wooden post covered in my own shit for months.

Tyrion Lannister: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Jaime Lannister: Maybe a bit. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner.

Tyrion Lannister: It's complicated, yes. So how is our sister?

Jaime Lannister: How do you think? Her son died in her arms.

Tyrion Lannister: Her son?

Jaime Lannister: Don't. [Pause] You know what's coming?

Tyrion Lannister: My trial for regicide. Yes, I know. I know the whole bloody country thinks I'm guilty. I know that one of my three judges has wished me dead more times than I can count. And that judge is my father. As for Cersei, well, she's probably working on a way to avoid a trial altogether by having me killed.

Jaime Lannister: Now that you mention it, she did ask.

Tyrion Lannister: So, should I turn around and close my eyes?

Jaime Lannister: Depends. Did you do it?

Tyrion Lannister: The Kingslayer brothers. You like it? I like it. You're really asking if I killed your son?

Jaime Lannister: Are you really asking if I'd kill my brother? How can I help you?

Tyrion Lannister: Well, you could set me free.

Jaime Lannister: You know I can't.

Tyrion Lannister: Then there's really nothing else to say.

Jaime Lannister: What do you want me to do? Kill the guards? Sneak you out of the city in the back of a cart? I'm the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.

Tyrion Lannister: Sorry, I'd forgotten. I'd hate for you to do something inappropriate.

Jaime Lannister: Inappropriate? You're accused of killing the king. Freeing you is treason.

Tyrion Lannister: Except I didn't do it.

Jaime Lannister: Which is why we're having a trial.

Tyrion Lannister: A trial. If the killer threw himself before the Iron Throne, confessed to his crimes, and gave irrefutable evidence of his guilt, it wouldn't matter to Cersei. She won't rest until my head's on a spike.

Jaime Lannister: Not just yours. She's offering a knighthood to whomever finds Sansa Stark.

Tyrion Lannister: Sansa couldn't have done this.

Jaime Lannister: She had more reason than anyone in the Seven Kingdoms. Do you think it's a coincidence she disappeared the same night Joffrey died?

Tyrion Lannister: No, but... Sansa's not a killer. Not yet, anyway.

Sansa Stark: (looks up as Littlefinger comes down the stairs to her cabin) Where are you taking me?

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish: "I'm getting married to your aunt, Lhysa- she's waiting for us at the Eyrie. You'll be safe there. (Sansa gives him a doubtful expression, looking around her)

Sansa Stark:...Did you kill Joffrey?

Petyr Baelish: (smiles) Did I kill Joffrey? I've been in the Vale, for weeks.

Sansa Stark: I know it was you.

Petyr Baelish: (gives her a mocking smile) And who helped me with this conspiracy?

Sansa Stark:...Well, there was Ser Dontos...You used him to get me out of King's Landing, but you would never trust him to kill the King.

Petyr Baelish: (smiles, winks approvingly) Why not?

Sansa Stark:...Because you're too smart to trust a drunk.

Petyr Baelish: Then, perhaps it was your husband.

Sansa Stark: No.

Petyr Baelish: How do you know?

Sansa Stark:...I just do.

Petyr Baelish: (nods slowly) You're right. He wasn't involved in Joffrey's death- but you were. (Sansa stares at him) Do you remember that lovely necklace Dontos gave you? I don't suppose you noticed that a stone was missing, after the feast...

Sansa Stark: The poison. (Baelish smiles) I don't understand! The Lannisters gave you wealth, power- Joffrey made you the Lord of Harrenhal!

Petyr Baelish: (shrugs) A man with no motive is a man no one suspects. Always keep your foes confused. If they don't know who you are, or what you want- they can't know what you plan to do next.

Sansa Stark:...I don't believe you. If they catch you, they'll put your head on a spike, just like my father's. You'd risk that, just to confuse them?

Petyr Baelish: (smiles and steps towards her) So many men- they risk so little. They spend their lives avoiding danger. And then they die. (puts his hand on her shoulder) I'd risk everything... to get what I want.

Sansa Stark:...And what do you want?

Petyr Baelish: ( strokes her arm for a moment) Everything. (turns away) My friendship with the Lannisters was productive... but Joffrey? A vicious boy with a crown on his head- He's not a reliable ally. Who could trust a friend like that?

Sansa Stark: Who could trust you?

Petyr Baelish: I don't want friends like me. My new friends are predictable, very reasonable people. As for what happened to Joffrey, well... that was something my new friends wanted, very badly. Nothing like a thoughtful gift to make a new friendship grow strong.

Margaery Tyrell: I can't believe you're going. Leaving me with these people!

Olenna Tyrell: The time has come, my dear. There's nothing more tedious than a trial... except perhaps these gardens. If I have to take one more leisurely stroll through the gardens, I'll fling myself from the cliffs. (Margaery giggles) Have you been to see Tommen yet?

Margaery Tyrell: No. Have they even agreed to the match? No one tells me anything. (they sit down)

Olenna Tyrell: I wasn't originally engaged to marry your grandfather Luthor, you know. He was engaged to marry my sister, your great-aunt Viola. I was engaged to marry some Targaryen or other- marrying a Targaryen was all the rage, back then. But, the moment I saw my intended- with his twitchy little ferret's face and ludicrous silver hair- I knew he wouldn't do. So- the evening before Luthor was to propose to my sister, I got lost on my way back from my embroidery lesson and happened upon his chambers. (Margaery grins with her) How absent-minded of me.

Margaery Tyrell: Mm-hmm.

Olenna Tyrell: The following morning, Luthor never made it down the stairs to propose to my sister, because the boy couldn't bloody walk. (Margaery laughs) And once he could, the only thing he wanted was what I'd given him, the night before. (looks pointedly at her granddaughter and takes her hand) I was good. I was very, very good. You are even better, but you need to act quickly. Cersei may be vicious, but she's not stupid- she'll turn the boy against you as soon as she can- and by the time you're married, it'll be too late. (pause) Luckily for you, the Queen Regent is rather distracted at the moment, mourning her dear departed boy. Accusing her brother of his murder- which, he didn't commit. (scoffs)

Margaery Tyrell: (frowns) Well, he could have done.

Olenna Tyrell: (shakes her head) Oh, he could have done, but he didn't.

Margaery Tyrell: You don't know, Grandmother.

Olenna Tyrell: (gives her a direct look) But I do know. (Margaery stares at her in shock, realizing Olenna was the one who poisoned Joffrey) You don't think I'd have let you marry that beast, do you?

Margaery Tyrell: What- I don't understand-

Olenna Tyrell: Shhhh. (adjusts Margaery's necklace) Don't you worry yourself about all that. (pause) You just do what needs to be done.

(In the late King Joffrey's bedchamber, Tommen tosses and turns. He wakes to find himself staring at a mounted boar's head Joffrey had once killed with an arrow. He turns to his right side to find his pet cat, Ser Pounce, is missing.)

Tommen Baratheon: (startled) Ser Pounce? (pause, sits up as he notices approaching torchlight from the entrance of his chambers, only to find it is Margaery holding a candle.) How did you get past the Kingsguard?

Margaery Tyrell: (teasingly, as she approaches the bed) Kingsguard?

Tommen Baratheon: I...don't think you're supposed to be here. Mother doesn't allow me to have visitors at night.

Margaery Tyrell: (whispers as she lights the candles on Tommen's bedside) I'm not a visitor, Your Grace. Word has it I'm to be your bride. Did you know that people in arranged marriages often never meet until their wedding day? (sits on his bedside) Before we decide to spend our lives together, we ought to get to know one another, don't you think?

Tommen Baratheon: (pause) Yes. But if my mother found out-

Margaery Tyrell: It can be our secret, hmm? If we're going to be man and wife, we'll have a few secrets from her, I hope. So, your Grace...

Tommen Baratheon: ...Yes?

Margaery Tyrell: Tell me a secret. (laughs as Ser Pounce hops up onto the bed) Hello! Aren't you a proper fellow?

Tommen Baratheon: That's Ser Pounce.

Margaery Tyrell: Very handsome.

Tommen Baratheon: Joffrey didn't like him. He threatened to skin him alive and mix his innards up in my food so I wouldn't know I was eating him.

Margaery Tyrell: That's very cruel. (looks at Tommen thoughtfully) You don't strike me as cruel.

Tommen Baratheon: No. I don't think I am.

Margaery Tyrell: That's a relief. Because you know what happens when we marry?

Tommen Baratheon: (didactically) We say our vows in front of the High Septon, and after the ceremony, there's a feast-

Margaery Tyrell: (chuckles) When we marry, I become yours. Forever. (pause) It's getting late. I should go. May I come and visit you again? (Tommen nods nervously, Margaery chuckles again) Alright. (leans forward) Remember, our little secret.

(Margaery moves in as if to kiss Tommen on the lips, but teasingly pecks his brow instead. She picks up her candle and walks out of his chambers, leaving Tommen to consider the moment.)

Brienne of Tarth: (reading from "The History of the Kingsguard") "Ser Jaime Lannister. Knighted and named to the Kingsguard in his sixteenth year. At the Sack of King's Landing, murdered his King, Aerys the Second. Pardoned by Robert Baratheon; thereafter known as Ser Kingslayer." (looks up at Jaime, who is pacing around the table)

Jaime Lannister:...It's the duty of the Lord Commander to fill those pages... (glances over at the Valyrian steel sword given to him by Tywin) And there's still room left on mine. (he hefts the sword, balancing it awkwardly on his maimed arm, and hands it to Brienne, who examines it carefully)

Brienne of Tarth: ...Valyrian steel. (Jaime nods)

Jaime Lannister:...It's yours.

Brienne of Tarth: (looks up sharply) I can't accept-

Jaime Lannister: It's reforged from Ned Stark's sword. (Brienne stares at him, then back at the sword) We'll use it to defend Ned Stark's daughter. We swore an oath... to return the Stark girls to their mother.(grimly) Lady Stark's dead. Arya's probably dead, too, but there's still a chance to find Sansa, and get her somewhere safe. (pause) I've got something else for you. (walks around her and pulls a curtain off a specially made suit of armor; amazed, Brienne comes over to examine it) I hope I got your measurements right.

Brienne of Tarth: I'll find her. For Lady Catelyn. (Jaime nods) And for you.

Jaime Lannister: I almost forgot. I have one more gift.

[Jaime has gifted Tyrion's former squire, Podrick Payne, to Brienne before her departure from King's Landing]

Brienne of Tarth: (sharply) I don't need a squire. (Pod and Bronn looks on awkwardly)

Jaime Lannister: (amused) Of course you do!

Brienne of Tarth: He'll slow me down!

Jaime Lannister: (urgently) My brother owes him a debt; he's not safe here. You'll be keeping him from harm- it's chivalry.

Podrick Payne: I won't slow you down, Ser- (they both look at him)...Milady. I- I promise I'll serve you well.

Jaime Lannister: See? He's a good lad, you'll get along. (Brienne looks reluctant)

Bronn: (claps Pod on the shoulder and offers him a short, double-bladed axe) Compliments of Lord Tyrion- his axe, from the Blackwater. (Pod, moved, takes the axe and examines it, smiling) What're you waitin' for, a kiss? Ready the lady's horse. (Pod hastily goes to do so, Jaime walks up to Brienne)

Jaime Lannister: (smiles) They say, the best swords have names. Any ideas?

Brienne of Tarth: Oathkeeper. (Jaime nods, long pause)

Jaime Lannister: Goodbye, Brienne.

High Septon: May the Warrior grant him courage and protect him in these dark times. May the Smith grant him strength, that he might bear this heavy burden. And may the Crone, she that knows the fate of all men, show him the path he must walk and guide him through the dark places that lie ahead. In the light of the Seven, I now proclaim Tommen of the House Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. [crowns Tommen] Long may he reign!

(Cersei comes to join Margaery, who eyes her warily)

Margaery Tyrell: (coolly) Your Grace?

Cersei Lannister: (they both watch her son Tommen) There he is.

Margaery Tyrell: Long may he reign.

Cersei Lannister: 'Long may he reign.'

Margaery Tyrell: He sits the Throne like he was born to it.

Cersei Lannister: Yes. He wasn't, though, was he?

Margaery Tyrell: No, he wasn't.

Cersei Lannister: You still mourn for Joffrey? (touches Margaery's black mantle)

Margaery Tyrell: He was my husband, my King.

Cersei Lannister: He would have been your nightmare.

Margaery Tyrell: (pause) Your Grace, I-

Cersei Lannister: You knew exactly what he was. I did, too. You never love anything in the world the way you love your first child. It doesn't matter what they do. And what he did, it shocked me. Do you think I'm easily shocked?

Margaery Tyrell: No.

Cersei Lannister: The things he did shocked me. (Margaery glances at her, then they both look towards Tommen) He's only a boy. A good boy, a decent boy, he always has been. Who was the last decent king, I wonder?... He could be the first man to sit on that throne in fifty years to actually deserve it.

Margaery Tyrell: (nods) It would be some consolation, wouldn't it? For all the horror that put him there.

Cersei Lannister: He will need help... if he's going to rule well. (looks pointedly at Margaery)

Margaery Tyrell: He has you. (ducks her head respectfully)

Cersei Lannister: A mother is not enough. You're still interested in being Queen, I take it?

Margaery Tyrell: (scoffs) After all that's happened? (Cersei continues looking at her pointedly) It sounds strange, I know, but I haven't given any thought to it. What comes next. (she meets Cersei's gaze) It would be a great honor, of course. But I will have to speak to my father about it. (she watches Mace Tyrell talking to someone in the hall)

Cersei Lannister: Yes, speak to your father. I'll speak to mine. (watches Tywin, standing next to Tommen's throne.)

Margaery Tyrell: (leans close to Cersei conspiratorially) We may be faced with an alarming number of weddings soon. (they both smile, amused) I won't even know what to call you. Sister, or Mother? (Cersei's smile fades as she looks away, remembering her betrothal to Loras)

Jorah Mormont: Joffrey Baratheon is dead. Murdered at his own wedding. (Daenerys stares at him in amazement)

Barristan Selmy: And we've taken the Meereenese Navy, Your Grace.

Daario Naharis: The Second Sons took the Meereenese Navy.

Daenerys Targaryen: (sharply) Who told you to take their Navy?

Daario Naharis: No one.

Daenerys Targaryen: So why did you do it?

Daario Naharis: I heard you like ships. (shrugs at Selmy as Daenerys turns away)

Daenerys Targaryen: How many ships?

Barristan Selmy: Ninety-three, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen: How many men can they carry?

Barristan Selmy: Ninety-three hundred, not counting sailors.

Daenerys Targaryen: (looks to Jorah Mormont) Would that be enough to take King's Landing?

Jorah Mormont: The Lannisters have more.

Barristan Selmy: (confidently) They've been fighting Joffrey's mad wars for years. They're tired, dispersed, and now their King is dead. (Daario Naharis nods) 8,000 Unsullied and 2,000 Second Sons sail into Blackwater Bay, storm the gates without warning... (Dany continues to look to Jorah)

Jorah Mormount: It's hard to say. Could be enough... but we're not fighting to make you Queen of King's Landing. Ten thousand men cannot conquer Westeros.

Barristan Selmy: The old Houses will flock to our Queen when she crosses the Narrow Sea.

Jorah Mormount: The old Houses will flock to whichever side they think will win, as they always have. (stands up) There's other news, from Yunkai. Without the Unsullied to enforce your rule, the Wise Masters have re-taken control of the city. They've re-enslaved what freed men have stayed behind and sworn to take revenge against you. (Daenerys turns away) And in Astapor, the council you installed to rule over the city has been overthrown by a butcher named Cleon, who's declared himself 'His Imperial Majesty'.

Daenerys Targaryen: (to her council) Please leave me. (they begin to leave) Not you, Jorah. (Jorah comes back) It appears my liberation of Slaver's Bay isn't going quite as planned.

Jorah Mormont: You could sail for Westeros and leave it all behind. A boy sits on the Iron Throne, a boy whom many believe to be a bastard with no right to it. They have never been more vulnerable.

Daenerys Targaryen: You counceled me against rashness in Qarth. I didn't listen, but all worked out well. (pause) How can I rule seven Kingdoms if I can't control Slaver's Bay? Why should anyone trust me? Why should anyone follow me?! (turns away)

Jorah Mormont: You're a Targaryen. You're the Mother of Dragons.

Daenerys Targaryen: I need to be more than that. (turns around again) I will not let those I have freed slide back into chains. I will not sail for Westeros.

Jorah Mormont: What, then?

Daenerys Targaryen: I will do what Queens do. I will rule.

Tywin Lannister: When will the wedding take place, in your mind?

Cersei Lannister: As soon as decency permits. After we've allowed Tommen the appropriate time to mourn his brother... and Margaery, to mourn her husband.

Tywin Lannister: A fortnight?

Cersei Lannister: That seems reasonable.

Tywin Lannister: (nods) No jugglers, no jousting dwarves, no seventy-seven-course meals. (Cersie nods assent) And your wedding to Loras?

Cersei Lannister: (glares at him)... Shortly after Tommen's.

Tywin Lannister: (suspicious) Shortly?

Cersei Lannister: (impatiently) A fortnight.

Tywin Lannister: (nods, satisfied) I know you don't like them. (smiles wryly) I didn't like your husband- he used to pat me on the back a lot. I didn't trust him.

Cersei Lannister: We had that in common.

Tywin Lannister: You don't need to make formal alliances with people you trust.

Cersei Lannister: And whom can we trust?

Tywin Lannister: Ourselves, alone. (stands up, pours wine) The Tyrells are our only true rivals in terms of resources and we need them on our side. (passes Cersei a goblet)

Cersei Lannister: Robert wasn't particularly rich.

Tywin Lannister: (scornfully) Robert had me funding him. (pours himself wine) Wars swallowed gold like a pit in the earth.

Cersei Lannister: I suppose that explains why we did so well in the last one. (takes a drink)

Tywin Lannister: D'you know how much gold was mined in the Westerlands, this past year?

Cersei Lannister: (deadpan) Haven't a clue.

Tywin Lannister: Go on. Your best guess.

Cersei Lannister: Pounds, tons, ounces?

Tywin Lannister: (grimly) Doesn't matter. The answer's the same.

Cersei Lannister: (stares at him) That can't be.

Tywin Lannister: Our last working goldmine ran dry three years ago.

Cersei Lannister: (pause) Then how do we pay for anything?

Tywin Lannister: The Crown owes the Iron Bank of Braavos a tremendous amount of money. (walks back to his desk)

Cersei Lannister: How much?

Tywin Lannister: A tremendous amount. (sits down)

Cersei Lannister: There must be someone at the Iron Bank that you can speak to. Come to some arrangement.

Tywin Lannister: (impatiently) The Iron Bank is the Iron Bank; there is no someone. (takes a drink)

Cersei Lannister: (also impatiently) Someone does work there, it is comprised of people-

Tywin Lannister: And a temple is comprised of stones; one stone crumbles, and another takes its place and the temple holds its form for a thousand years or more. And that's what the Iron Bank is. A temple. We all live in its shadow, and almost none of us know it. You can't run from them, you can't cheat them, you can't sway them with excuses. If you owe them money and you don't want to crumble yourself, you pay it back. (pause) Vesting the Tyrells in the Crown will help a great deal, in this respect.

Cersei Lannister: (nods) It's for the good of the family, I understand that. (pause) I'm not sure my brothers do. (drinks)

Tywin Lannister: I know you're building a strong case against Tyrion and as a mother that is your right. But as a judge, I cannot discuss the trial with you.

Cersei Lannister: (shrugs hastily) I respect that we don't need to discuss it. (sets down her goblet, stands up) The Lannister legacy is the only thing that matters. You've started wars to protect this family, turned your back on Jaime for refusing to contribute to it's future. What does Tyrion deserve, for lighting that future on fire? (She walks out, Tywin watches her)

Lysa Arryn: What took you so long?

Petyr Baelish: Arranging for the ascension of King Tommen I, extricating Sansa, getting her here alive.

Lysa Arryn: She's here. We've spent more than enough time on her for one evening. Let's get married tonight.

Petyr Baelish: Ought we not inform the Lords of the Vale about the ceremony?

Lysa Arryn: There's only one Lord of the Vale. The others can all hang. Lurking and simpering on the stairs like buzzards the moment my husband died, trying to get their claws in me.

Petyr Baelish:I do think that we could wait until-

Lysa Arryn: I'm done waiting, Petyr. We had our wedding night many years ago. Or don't you remember?

Petyr Baelish: Like it was yesterday.

Lysa Arryn: What wife would do for you the things I've done for you? What wife would trust you the way I've trusted you? When you gave me those drops and told me to pour them into Jon's wine, my husband's wine- when you told me to write a letter to Cat telling her it was the Lannisters-

[Petyr interrupts Lysa by kissing her passionatly]

Petyr Baelish: The deed is done. Faded into nothing. Only speaking of it can make it real. Tonight it is, then. Let me bathe and dress for the occasion. Once I'm presentable, I'll call on the septon immediately.

[Lysa opens the doors, revealing a septon]

Lysa Arryn: I'm warning you. I'm going to scream when my husband makes love to me. I'm going to scream so loud, they'll hear me clear across the Narrow Sea.

Oberyn Martell: (As he is writing in the gardens, Cersei appears; as she and her Lannister guardsmen approach, he glances at them and sets down his quill) Your Grace. (stands up, half-bows)

Cersei Lannister: (smiles) Prince Oberyn. (indicates the paper) Writing letters?

Oberyn Martell: A poem, actually.

Cersei Lannister: (nods) May I show you the gardens?

Oberyn Martell: (smiles wryly) I couldn't very well refuse a royal escort.

Cersei Lannister: (smiles) No, you couldn't. (they walk through the royal gardens, the guards trailing them at a distance) I didn't realize you were a poet.

Oberyn Martell: Not a very good one, I'm afraid.

Cersei Lannister: For your paramour?

Oberyn Martell: (smiles) For one of my daughters.

Cersei Lannister': You have several, don't you?

Oberyn Martell: (smiles) Eight.

Cersei Lannister: (chuckles) Eight? Eight daughters...

Oberyn Martell: The fifth is difficult. I named her after my sister, Elia.

Cersei Lannister: Beautiful name.

Oberyn Martell: Yes- but I can't say it without turning sad. And, after I turn sad... I grow angry.

Cersei Lannister: (raises an eyebrow) Perhaps that's why she's difficult. (pause) The Gods love their stupid jokes, don't they?

Oberyn Martell: Which joke is that?

Cersei Lannister: You're a Prince of Dorne- a legendary fighter, a brilliant man feared throughout Westeros... but you could not save your sister. I am a Lannister, a Queen for nineteen years, daughter of the most powerful man alive, but I could not save my son. What good is power, if you cannot protect the ones you love?

Oberyn Martell: We can avenge them.

Cersei: Yes- we can avenge them. (they reach the coastal cliffs)

Oberyn Martell: (skeptically) You really believe Tyrion murdered your son?

Cersei Lannister: (meets his eyes) I know he did.

Oberyn Martell: Well, we will have a trial, and then we will learn the truth.

Cersei Lannister: We'll have a trial, anyway. (pause) I haven't seen my daughter in over a year.

Oberyn Martell: (smiles) The last time I saw her, she was swimming with two of my girls in the Water Gardens... laughing in the sun.

Cersei Lannister: (nods slowly) I want to believe that. I want to believe... she's happy.

Oberyn Martell: (gently) You have my word. (pause) We don't hurt little girls, in Dorne.

Cersei Lannister: (sadly,bitterly)... Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls. (Oberyn looks away, unable to deny it; there is an awkward pause) Would you bring her a gift, from me? (Oberyn looks at her) I wasn't there for her Nameday... I don't know when I'll see her again.

Oberyn Martell: Anything at all. (Cersei points to a small ship with gold-striped sails, in the harbor)

Cersei Lannister: The best shipwrights in King's Landing have been working on it for months (smiles tearfully)...Myrcella loves the open water.

Oberyn Martell: I will have it sailed down to Sunspear for her.

Cersei Lannister: (voice breaking) Please tell her... her mother misses her, very much. (She nods to Oberyn and walks away with her escort; Oberyn stares after her with a conflicted expression)

Lysa Arryn: Your mother always had a sweet tooth, you know?

Sansa Stark: Really?

Lysa Arryn: Oh, yes. At suppertime, she would go straight for honey cakes, candied almonds, custard. Anything sweet. Eventually, your grandfather had to assign a septa to watch her at meals. Cat was the firstborn daughter after all. It was important that she remain desirable so Father could arrange a good match for her and she was starting to get fat.

Sansa Stark: [incredulous] My mother fat? She never let me have my pudding until I'd finished all my proper food.

Lysa Arryn: This is before she married your father and moved to the North. By the time you were born, your father's austerity had become hers. Marriage changes people. [notices Sansa has stopped eating] I didn't mean for you to stop. Go on, enjoy them. How do you like them?

Sansa Stark: They're delicious. Where did you get the lemons? You can't grow them up here.

Lysa Arryn: Oh, gods, no. Petyr had three crates brought all the way from King's Landing. He knew you liked lemon cakes.

Sansa Stark: He's so kind.

Lysa Arryn: He really cares for you. Think where you'd be without him. In their clutches and tried for murder.

Sansa Stark: Yes. I'm very lucky.

Lysa Arryn: He feels responsible for you.

Sansa Stark: Oh, I know he does. I'm so grateful.

Lysa Arryn: [sharply] Why? Why does he feel responsible for you?

Sansa Stark: Well, I'm half Tully. He loved your... family so much.

Lysa Arryn: Loved your mother.

Sansa Stark: No.

Lysa Arryn: That's what you wanted to say.

Sansa Stark: He loves you, Aunt Lysa. He's married to you.

Lysa Arryn: Your mother never loved him. Never. Cat always went straight for the sweetest thing. The most obvious thing. Your Uncle Brandon. Your handsome, arrogant, cruel Uncle Brandon. He almost killed Petyr in a duel. And your mother loved him anyway. And now Petyr is risking his life to save you, the daughter of a woman who didn't love him no more than those whores in his brothels. Has he told you about them?

Sansa Stark: No.

Lysa Arryn: He hasn't told you about the vile things they do with their bodies? [squeezes Sansa's hands] The vile things they let him do with their bodies?

Sansa Stark: No, never.

Lysa Arryn: Are you pregnant?

Sansa Stark: What? No, I told you. Lord Tyrion and I never-

Lysa Arryn: I wasn't asking about Tyrion. What have you let Petyr do with your body?

Sansa Stark: Aunt Lysa, no, I-

Lysa Arryn: Your young, pretty body.

Sansa Stark: Nothing. I'm a virgin.

Lysa Arryn: Don't lie to me.

Sansa Stark: You're hurting me.

Lysa Arryn: I'll know if you lie.

Sansa Stark: I'm a virgin, I swear it. He loves you, Aunt Lysa. All he says is that I'm stupid. I'm a stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns and I'm a terrible liar, so I should always tell the truth. And I swear to you that he has never touched me. Not once, not ever.

Lysa Arryn: Shh. Shh. Shh. It's all right. It will all be all right. You'll be a widow soon. They'll execute that dwarf for murdering the king and you'll be free to marry Robin. You'll be the Lady of the Vale.

Arya Stark: Joffrey...Cersei...Walder Frey...Meryn Trant...Tywin Lannister...The Red Woman...Beric Dondarrion...Thoros of Myr...Illyn Payne...The Mountain...

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane: Would you shut up?

Arya Stark: I can't sleep until I say the names.

Sandor Clegane: The names of every fucking person in Westeros?

Arya Stark: Only the ones I'm going to kill.

Sandor Clegane: Huh. (nods) Hate's as good a thing as any to keep a man going- better than most. (pause) We come across my brother... maybe we can both cross a name off a list.

Arya Stark: (sits up) If he were here right now, what would you do?

Sandor Clegane: (glances at her) I'd tell him to shut the fuck up so I can get some sleep. (closes his eyes) Go on, get it over with- your list of doomed men.

Arya Stark: I'm almost done. Only one name left.

Sandor Clegane: Go on!

Arya Stark: (lies down, pause) The Hound. (she closes her eyes, Sandor opens his and glances at her for a moment)

Sandor Clegane: The hell you doing?

Arya Stark: Practicing.

Sandor Clegane: What, ways to die?

Arya Stark: No one's going to kill me.

Sandor Clegane: They will if you nance around like that. That's no way to fight.

Arya Stark: It's not fighting. It's water dancing.

Sandor Clegane: Dancing? Maybe you ought to put on a dress. Who taught you that shite?

Arya Stark: The greatest swordsman who ever lived. Syrio Forel, the First Sword to the Sealord of Braavos.

Sandor Clegane: [scoffs] Braavos. Greasy-haired little bastard, I bet. They all are.

Arya Stark: What do you know about anything?

Sandor Clegane: I bet his hair is greasier than Joffrey's cunt.

Arya Stark: It was not.

Sandor Clegane: Was? He dead?

Arya Stark: Yes.

Sandor Clegane: How?

Arya Stark: He was killed.

Sandor Clegane: Who by?

Arya Stark: Meryn Trant. That's why Ser Meryn-

Sandor Clegane: Meryn Trant? The greatest swordsman who ever lived killed by Meryn fucking Trant?

Arya Stark: He was outnumbered.

Sandor Clegane: Any boy whore with a sword could beat three Meryn Trants.

Arya Stark: Syrio didn't have a sword. Or armor. Just a stick.

Sandor Clegane: The greatest swordsman who ever lived didn't have a sword? [laughs] All right. You have a sword. Let's see what he taught you. Go on, do it for your Braavosi friend. Dead like all the rest of your friends.

[Arya stabs him with Needle, but the sword won't penetrate his armor and Sandor smacks her in the face, knocking her down; he picks up Needle and holds the point to her throat ]

Sandor Clegane: Your friend's dead and Meryn Trant's not. 'Cause Trant had armor, and a big fucking sword. [he reverses Needle and offers her the handle]

[Jon Snow and the Night's Watch have invaded Craster's Keep, manned by the mutineers; Jon enters the dining-hall to find Karl Tanner killing one of the Brothers]

Karl Tanner: (draws twin daggers and bows mockingly to Jon) Lord Snow. You bringin' me back for trial? (sharpens his blades against each other as Jon advances on him, holding Longclaw) We had a good thing here. We were free men. You'll never be free. You'll never know what that's like- (he and Jon rush each other, clash momentarily, then circle the fire; Karl grins and attacks again. Jon is unable to use his sword properly at such close quarters and Karl elbows him in the face) You learn how to fight in a castle? (Jon attacks him, but Karl manages to pin his sword momentarily and wound him in the hip) Some old man teach you how to stand, how to parry? (Jon forces him back, but Karl hits him in the face again) How to fight with honor?! (Jon continues to attack, but is clearly getting the worst of it) You know what's wrong with honor? (they pin their blades against each other and Karl spits in Jon's face, trips him, kicks Longclaw out of his hand and steps on his wrist. Karl raises his blades for the kill, but suddenly one of Craster's daughter-wives stabs him in the shoulder) You... (pulls the knife out of his shoulder and advances on her furiously. Suddenly, Jon thrusts Longclaw through the back of Karl's head and out his mouth, killing him)

Jon Snow: (withdraws Longclaw from Karl's head and kneels next to the woman) Are you all right? (she nods, staring at Karl's corpse) Come with me- come on.

[Jon and Craster's daughter-wife come outside to find Grenn and the other Brothers killing the last of the mutineers. Edd drags Locke's body over to the pile of corpses, unaware of his betrayal]

Jon Snow: We lost four brothers?

Dolorous Edd: Five. (indicates Locke)

Grenn: (stares at Locke's horribly broken neck) What in Seven Hells could do that to a man?

Jon Snow: (glances around) I count ten dead mutineers. Locke said there were eleven of them.

Dolorous Edd: Where's Rast? (brief montage of Rast fleeing through the snowy forest and being killed by Ghost)

Watchman: Here's another!

Grenn: (glances up and sees Ghost appear at the gate of Craster's Keep) Jon? (indicates Ghost when Jon looks up)

Jon Snow: (smiles) Where in Seven Hells?! Come here!(Ghost comes up to his master, whining happily, and Jon pets him) I've missed you, boy.

Dolorous Edd: (indicates Craster's surviving daughter-wives) What should we do with this lot?

Jon Snow: (addresses them) It's not safe for you out here on your own. Mance Rayder has an army heading this way, and there's worse out there than Mance. (pause) Come with us to Castle Black- we can find you work, keep you safe.

Craster's first wife: Meaning all respect, Ser Crow- Craster beat us, and worse. Your brother Crows beat us, and worse. We'll find our own way.

Jon Snow: (looks from her to the damaged Keep) You want to stay here? In Craster's Keep?

Craster's first wife: (looks up at the hall and spits) Burn it to the ground and all the dead with it.

Davos Seaworth: Your Grace, if you'd like to sit-

Stannis Baratheon: (pacing impatiently) We've been here since mid-day!

Davos Seaworth: Easterners often have a different sense of time, I've found. Once, I was waiting for Salladhor Saan, here on Braavos- together we were gonna run three shiploads of the finest- (sees the look on Stannis' face and breaks off. As Stannis resumes his pacing, three envoys of the Iron Bank of Braavos finally enter and sit)

Tycho Nestoris: (smiles coldly) Welcome to the Iron Bank. Please...sit (Stannis looks from Davos to the envoys, then finally sits) What can we do for you, Lord Stannis?

Davos Seaworth: (angrily) This is Stannis of the House Baratheon- King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm! (Tycho pauses, then gestures for him to sit; Davos does so)

Tycho Nestoris: The Iron Throne is currently occupied by Tommen of the House Baratheon, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.

Stannis Baratheon: He shares no blood with me. He was a bastard born of incest, as was his brother before him.

Tycho Nestoris: (smiles, nods) Yes- we've heard this story.

Stannis Baratheon: It's not a story! It's the truth!

Tycho Nestoris: The King's grandfather tells a different story: a story about a jealous uncle, whose attempts to usurp the throne from the rightful King cost the Seven Kingdoms dearly, in blood... and gold.

Stannis Baratheon: Gold you loaned him.

Tycho Nestoris: And you feel your blood gives you a claim on our gold?

Stannis Baratheon: More than any man living.

Tycho Nestoris: Across the Narrow Sea, your books are filled with words like "Usurper", "Madman" and "blood right". Here, our books are filled with numbers. We prefer the stories they tell- more plain, less... open to interpretation. (smiles) How many fighting men remain loyal to you?

Stannis Baratheon: Four thousand.

Tycho Nestoris: And how many ships do you have? (Davos opens his mouth to speak) The ones still afloat, Ser Davos- not at the bottom of Blackwater Bay.

Davos Seaworth:...Thirty-two.

Tycho Nestoris: And, how much wheat and barley and beef and pork do you produce on Dragonstone to feed your... four thousand men, on your thirty-two ships?

Stannis Baratheon: None.

Tycho Nestoris: (raises his eyebrows) You can see why these numbers seem unlikely to add up to a happy ending, from our perspective. I'm afraid we must...respectfully decline your request. But we thank you for paying us the honor of your visit. (Stannis glares at Davos; they stand up. Stannis moves away, but Davos steps towards the table)

Davos Seaworth: My lord-

Tycho Nestoris: I'm not a lord, Ser Davos Seaworth. You would not be either here. In Braavos, thieves are not rewarded with titles.

Davos Seaworth: Well, strictly speaking, I didn't do the thieving. That would be the pirates. I just moved what they stole from one place to another. (shows his mutilated hand) This is the payment that was demanded by King Stannis for my crimes. I consider it an honest accounting. He's an honest man and he's your best chance to get back the money you've sunk into Westeros. Which is a lot, I imagine. Wars are expensive.

Tycho Nestoris: The war is over.

Davos Seaworth: As long as Stannis lives, the war is not over. Who's the real power in King's Landing?

Tycho Nestoris: Ser Davos-

Davos Seaworth: Humor me.

Tycho Nestoris: Tywin Lannister.

Davos Seaworth: How old is Tywin Lannister?

Tycho Nestoris: 67.

Davos Seaworth: 67. And when he dies, who's in command? A half-grown boy, the product of incest? [Tycho begins to frown for the first time.] Cersei Lannister, a queen whose people despise her? Jaime Lannister, a man best known for killing the king he was sworn to protect? When Tywin's gone, who do you back?

Tycho Nestoris: That is a problem for another time.

Davos Seaworth: Begging your pardon, I think it's a problem for now. There's only one reliable leader left in Westeros. (points to Stannis, who turns to stare at him) Stannis. He's got the birthright. He's in his prime. He's a tried and tested battle commander. (shows his hand again) And he doesn't just talk about paying people back, he does it.

[Yara Greyjoy has stormed the Dreadfort with a band of Ironborn to rescue her brother Theon; she finds him locked in the dog kennels]

Bolton guard: Last cage on the right! (a bell begins to toll, alerting the castle to the attack)

Yara Greyjoy: Thank you. (she slits his throat with her hatchet, then approaches Theon's cage; Ramsay's hounds begin barking and snarling) We're going home. (Theon/Reek backs against the wall of his cage, terrified; Yara smashes the lock off the door with her hatchet)

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: No! (backs away from her as she opens the door)

Yara Greyjoy: It's all right! It's me,Yara.

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: You can't trick m! Tell him! Tell him you couldn't trick me!

Yara Greyjoy: I'm not tricking you, Theon! I'm saving you-

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: Not Theon! Reek! Reek! My name's Reek!

Bolton guards: (nearby) They're here!

Greyjoy bannerman: If they catch us in here, we're trapped!

Yara Greyjoy: Help me with him! (she grabs Theon by the arm and pulls him out of the cage, assisted by her bannerman)

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: (crying hysterically) No, you can't! You can't!

Yara Greyjoy: You're Theon Greyjoy!

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: No! I've never been him! Please- I'm Reek, good Reek, I've always been Reek!-

[The Greyjoy bannerman covers his mouth. At that moment, Ramsay Snow and a number of Bolton bannermen enter the kennels; Theon immediately goes silent with terror as Ramsay stares at Yara and her men]

Ramsay Snow: (grins viciously and draws his weapons) This is turning into a lovely evening. (The Bolton and Greyjoy forces attack each other, while the dogs in their cages are driven into a frenzy by the battle. Yara tries to keep hold of Theon, but he bites her arm, forcing her to let go; he flees back into his cage)

Yara Greyjoy: Aaargh! Theon! (She is forced to re-enter the battle. By the time it is settled, she and her two remaining men are near the entrance to the kennels, while Ramsay and his two remaining men are near Theon's cage) Give me my brother back, and no more of your men will die.

Ramsay Snow: (shrugs) You've got bigger balls than he ever did. (puts away his dagger and pulls out a bunch of keys) But, with those... big balls of yours... (grins savagely at her as he moves to unlock the hounds' cages) How fast can you run?!

Yara Greyjoy: (fleeing back to the longboats with her surviving men) Make for the ship now.

Greyjoy Bannerman: But your brother?

Yara Greyjoy: (grimly) My brother's dead.

Varys: Prince Oberyn.

Oberyn Martell: Lord Varys.

Varys: Only "Varys". I'm not actually a nobleman; no-one is under obligation to call me "Lord".

Oberyn Martell: (smiles) And yet everyone does. (Varys shrugs)

Varys:...You seemed quite knowledgeable about the Unsullied, Prince Oberyn. Did you spend much time in Essos?

Oberyn Martell: Five years.

Varys: May I ask why?

Oberyn: It is a big and beautiful world. Most people live and die in the same corner where we were born, and never get to see any of it. I don't want to be most of us.

Varys: (smiles) Most of us aren't princes.

Oberyn Martell: (stares at Varys for a moment, then smiles) Hmm. You...are from Essos. Where? Lhys?... (notices Varys' disconcerted expression) I have an ear for accents.

Varys: (sharply) I've lost my accent entirely.

Oberyn Martell: (smiles, nods) I have an ear for that as well. (pause) How did you get here?

Varys: It's a long story.

Oberyn Martell: (shrugs) One you don't like telling people?

Varys: (looks away) People I trust...

Oberyn Martell: (approaches him slowly) My paramour, Ellaria, she would find you very interesting. You should come to the brothel and meet her. We've brought our own wine- not the swill they serve here- and we have some lovely boys, on retainer. You did like boys, before? (Varys shakes his head, Oberyn looks surprised) Really? Girls? Hmm- hope you won't be offended when I say I never would have guessed.

Varys: Not at all... but I was never interested in girls either.

Oberyn Martell: (frowns) What, then?

Varys: Nothing.

Oberyn Martell: Everybody is interested in something.

Varys: (grimly) Not me. When I see what desire does to people- what it's done to this country- I am very glad to have no part in it. Besides, the absence of desire leaves one free to pursue... other things.

Oberyn Martell: Such as?... (he follows Vary's gaze to the Iron Throne; Varys walks away, and Oberyn smiles)

Salladhor Saan: The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. (Davos comes into the bathhouse, overhears Salladhor, and heads towards him) A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two pirate ships!" The crew is shivering like scared mice. But the courageous captain hollers, "Bring me my red shirt!" After the battle, the first mate asks, "Captain, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replies, "So that if I am stabbed, you will not see me bleed." The next morning the lookout screams, "Ten pirate ships! We are surrounded!" The crew goes silent. They all look to their brave captain, waiting for his usual command. Calm as ever, the captain bellows—

Whores: [together] "Bring me my brown pants!" [laughing]

Davos Seaworth: You think they ever met a pirate who didn't tell them that joke?

Salladhor Saan:...Davos (Davos chuckles) I heard you were rotting in a dungeon in Dragonstone!

Davos Seaworth: Only half-rotted. ( glances at one of the whores walking by; Salladhor chuckles and claps hands with him)

Salladhor Saan: Join us, my friend- join us! This is Lara- (indicates the first whore)

2nd Whore: I'm Lara! (squeals as Salladhor fondles her)

Salladhor Saan: She's an artist, this one- truly. (chuckles)

Davos Seaworth: No time, I'm afraid. We sail at sunrise.

Salladhor Saan: "We?"

Davos Seaworth: You, me- we.

Salladhor Saan: (rolls his eyes, to the whores) Once, I thought this man loved me- Now, I know he despises me. (whores giggle, Davos smiles) He wants to see me die poor and alone on some bald- (Davos drops a heavy leather purse on the edge of the bath with a thump, distracting Salladhor; he opens it to reveal rows and rows of gold coins)

Davos Seaworth: You won't be alone, and you won't be poor. There's a chest of the good stuff back at your house. I gave it to your wife. (Salladhor looks up sharply, then scowls at him as the whores giggle)

Salladhor Saan: You're not my friend, my friend. (Davos grins and stands up)

Davos Seaworth: I'll see you at sunrise.

[Dany is petitioned by a man carrying a ragged bundle]

Missandei: (speaking Valyrian) You stand before Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, the Unburnt, the Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons. (the petitioner doesn't move, his face turned down in fear)

Daenerys Targaryen: (smiles, also speaking Valyrian) Don't be afraid, my friend. (the petitioner still doesn't move)

Missandei: (in Valyrian) The Queen says you may approach and speak. (the man slowly comes to the foot of Dany's dais and speaks in Ghiscari; Missandei translates to Common Tongue) He is a goatherd. He says he prayed for your victory against the slave masters.

Daenerys Targaryen: I thank him for his prayers. (Missandei translates, and the goatherd bows. He then lays his bundle on the steps in front of them and unwraps it to reveal charred goat bones)

Missandei: (translating the goatherd's Ghiscari) It was your dragons, he says. They came this morning for his flock. (the goatherd stands up, still speaking) He hopes he has not offended Your Grace... but now, he has nothing.

Daenerys Targaryen: Tell this man I am sorry for his hardship. (Missandei begins translating) I cannot bring back his goats, but I will see that he is paid their value, three times over.

[Ser Barristan looks at her in surprise. The goatherd, astonished at her generosity, drops to his knees and thanks her repeatedly as he hastily packs up the goat bones. Missandei, Ser Jorah and Dany smile as the goatherd leaves the throne room]

Daenerys Targaryen: Send the next one in. (Hizdahr zo Loraq- a member of the former slaver class- enters with a servant)

Hizdahr's servant: (in Valyrian) The noble Hizdahr zo Loraq begs an audience with the Queen.

Daenerys Targaryen: (rolls her eyes, mutters in Valyrian) The noble Hizdahr zo Loraq can speak to me himself. (the servant backs away, Hizdahr comes to the foot of her dais and bows)

Hizdahr zo Loraq: Queen Daenerys. Tales of your beauty were not exaggerated. (Dany smiles thinly)

Daenerys Targaryen: I thank you.

Hizdahr zo Loraq: Mine is one of the oldest and proudest families in Meereen.

Daenerys Targaryen: Then, it is my honor to receive you.

Hizdahr zo Loraq: My father, one of Meereen's most respected and beloved citizens, oversaw the restoration of it's greatest landmarks- this pyramid included.

Daenerys Targaryen: (smiles) For that, he has my gratitude! I should be honored to meet him-

Hizdahr zo Loraq: (coldly) You have, Your Grace. You crucified him. (Dany's smile vanishes) I pray you will never live to see a member of your family treated so cruelly.

Daenerys Targaryen: (sharply) Your father crucified innocent children!

Hizdahr zo Loraq: My father spoke out against crucifying those children. He decried it as a criminal act, but was overruled. Is it justice to answer one crime with another?

Daenerys Targaryen: (ashamed, but still angry) I am sorry you no longer have a father, but my treatment of the Masters was no crime- you'd be wise to remember that.

Hizdahr zo Loraq: What's done is done. (gestures to her and to himself) You are the Queen, and I am a servant of Meereen- a servant who does not wish to see its' traditions eradicated.

Daenerys Targaryen: And what traditions do you speak of?

Hizdahr zo Loraq: The tradition of funeral right. Proper burial in the temple of the Graces. (Dany frowns at him) My father and 162 noble Meereenese are still nailed to those posts- carrion for vultures! Rotting in the sun! (pause, kneels) Your Grace, I ask that you order these men taken down, so that they might receive proper burials.

Daenerys Targaryen: And what of the slave children these noble Meereenese crucified? They were rotting in the sun as well. Would you beg me for their right to a proper burial?

Hizdahr zo Loraq: Your Grace, I cannot defend the actions of the Masters- I can only speak to you as a son, who loved his father. Let me take his body down! Let me have him brought to the temple and buried with dignity, so that he might find peace in the next world! (Dany stares down at him, conflicted)

Daenerys Targaryen: Bury your father, Hizdahr zo Loraq.

Hizdahr zo Loraq:...Thank you, my Queen. (stands up, bows and walks out, followed by his servant)

Daenerys Targaryen: (to Missandei)...How many more?

Missandei: There are two hundred and twelve supplicants waiting, Your Grace.

Daenerys Targaryen:...Two hundred and twelve? (glances at Jorah, who shrugs) Send the next one in.

Oberyn Martell: These meetings aren't always going to be this early, are they? I was up late last night. [sarcastic] So, does this mean I am a master of something now? Coins, ships?

Mace Tyrell: Lord Tywin and I already determined that I shall be the Master of Ships long before you-

[Tywin enters and everybody but Oberyn stands up]

Mace Tyrell: Lord Tywin, it's a great honor to have been granted a seat on this council. I-

Tywin Lannister: The trial begins this afternoon. We only have the morning for affairs of state. Shall we begin?

Varys: Sandor Clegane has been spotted in the Riverlands, my lord.

Cersei Lannister: A coward and a traitor.

Varys: My birds tell me the Hound slaughtered five of our soldiers. I believe the phrase "fuck the king" was uttered.

Pycelle: Disgraceful.

Tywin Lannister: What would it take to make the common soldier stupid enough to try his luck with the Hound?

Varys: 10 Silver stags seems a generous bounty.

Tywin Lannister: Make it 100. What else?

Varys: More whispers from the east, my lord.

Tywin Lannister: The Targaryen girl?

Varys: Daenerys has taken up residence in Meereen. She has conquered the city and rules as its queen.

Cersei Lannister: Conquered with what?

Varys: She commands an army of Unsullied, my queen. Some 8,000 strong. She has a company of sellswords, the Second Sons. She has two knights advising her. Jorah Mormont and Barristan Selmy. And, she has three dragons.

Cersei Lannister: Baby dragons.

Varys: Larger every year, Your Grace.

Pycelle: Mormont is spying on her for us.

Varys: No longer. He appears to be fully devoted to her. As for Ser Barristan, it would seem he took his dismissal from the Kingsguard a bit harder than anticipated. (gives Cersei a reproachful look)

Cersei Lannister: (scornfully) He's an old man. He wasn't fit to protect my son.

Tywin Lannister: (impatient) Joffrey didn't die on his watch. Dismissing him was as insulting as it was stupid.

Cersei Lannister: (defensively) Don't tell me you're worried about a child, halfway across the world.

Varys: (sarcastically) A child with two seasoned warriors counseling her... and a powerful army at her back, Your Grace.

Oberyn Martell: Lord Varys is right. I have been to Essos and seen the Unsullied firsthand. They are very impressive on the battlefield. Less so in the bedroom.

Tywin Lannister: Dragons haven't won a war in 300 years. Armies win them all the time. She must be dealt with.

Pycelle: How, my lord? By force?

Tywin Lannister: Eventually, if it comes to that. (To Varys) Can your little birds find their way into Mereen?

Varys: Most certainly, my Lord Hand.

Jaime Lannister: You'd condemn your own son to death?

Tywin Lannister: I've condemned no-one. The trial is not over.

Jaime Lannister: This isn't a trial, it's a farce! Cersei has manipulated everything and you know it!

Tywin Lannister: I know nothing of the sort.

Jaime Lannister: [angry] You've always hated Tyrion!

Tywin Lannister: He killed his king-

Jaime Lannister: As did I! Do you know the last order the Mad King gave me? To bring him your head! I saved your life so you could murder my brother?!

Tywin Lannister: It won't be murder, it will be justice.

Jaime Lannister: Justice?!

Tywin Lannister: I'm performing my sworn duty as Hand of the King. If Tyrion is found guilty, he will be punished accordingly.

Jaime Lannister: He'll be executed.

Tywin Lannister: No, he'll be punished accordingly!

Jaime Lannister: Once, you said family is what lives on. All that lives on. You told me about a dynasty that would last 1000 years. What happens to your dynasty when Tyrion dies? [gestures to his armour] I'm a Kingsguard, forbidden by oath to carry on the family line.

Tywin Lannister: [dismissive] I'm well aware of your oath.

Jaime Lannister: What happens to your name? Who carries the lion banner into future battles? Your nephews? Lancel Lannister?! Others whose names I don't even remember?!

Tywin Lannister: What happens to my dynasty if I spare the life of my grandson's killer?!

Jaime Lannister: It survives...through me. [Tywin looks shocked] I'll leave the Kingsguard, I'll take my place as your son and heir if you let Tyrion live.

Tywin Lannister: Done. [Jaime is stunned] When the testimony is concluded and the guilty verdict rendered, Tyrion will be given the chance to speak. He'll plead for mercy, I'll allow him to join the Night's Watch. In three days times, he'll depart for Castle Black and live out his days at the Wall. You'll remove your white cloak immediately. You will leave King's Landing to assume your rightful place at Casterly Rock. You will marry a suitable woman, and father children named "Lannister". And you'll never turn your back on your family again.

Jaime Lannister: You have my word.

Tywin Lannister: And you have mine.

[Immediately after, Jaime approaches Tyrion during a recess in the trial]

Tyrion Lannister: Not going well, is it?!

Jaime Lannister: You're going to be found guilty-

Tyrion Lannister: [sarcastically] Oh, you think so?!

Jaime Lannister: And when you are, you need to enter a formal plea for mercy and ask to be sent to the Wall. Father's agreed to it. He'll spare your life and allow you join the Night's Watch.

Tyrion Lannister: Ned Stark was promised the same thing, and we both know how that turned out!

Jaime Lannister: Father's not Joffrey! He'll keep his word-

Tyrion Lannister: [Disbelieving] How do you know?

Jaime Lannister: Do you trust me? [Tyrion nods] Keep your mouth shut, no more outbursts. This will all be over soon.

Tyrion: [after Shae testifies against him] Father... I wish to confess. I wish to confess.

Tywin: You wish to confess?

Tyrion: [to the audience of the trial] I saved you. I saved this city [angrily] and all your worthless lives! I should have let Stannis kill you all!

[the crowd groans with disgust]

Tywin: Tyrion! [Tyrion looks at him] Do you wish to confess?

Tyrion: Yes... Father. I'm guilty. Guilty! Is that what you want to hear!?

Tywin: You admit you've poisoned the King?

Tyrion: No. Of that, I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime! I'm guilty of being a dwarf!

Tywin: [scoffs] You are not on trial for being a dwarf.

Tyrion: [angrily] Oh, yes I am! I've been on trial for that my entire life!

Tywin: [impatiently] Have you nothing to say on your defense?

Tyrion: Nothing but this: [with a grin; to Jaime] I did not do it. [with great fury; to Cersei] I did not kill Joffrey, but I WISH THAT I HAD! Watching your vicious bastard die give me more relief than a thousand lying whores! [Tyrion gives Shae a venomous look, then turns to the crowd] I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to WATCH YOU ALL SWALLOW IT!

[The entire crowd roars with outrage]

Tywin: [angrily stands] Ser Meryn! Ser Meryn, escort the prisoner back to his cell!

Tyrion: [stares irately at his father] I will NOT give my life for Joffrey's murder, and I know I'll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate!. I demand a trial by combat.

[The crowd, once again, roars with outrage, as Margaery, Shae, Jaime and Cersei stare at Tyrion with disbelief; Oberyn leans forward, looking intrigued. Tyrion smiles bitterly at his father, who glares furiously back at him]

Sandor Clegane: (inspecting a burned-out farmhouse with Arya) Could be food.

Arya Stark: Could be soldiers. (they explore the area and come upon a mortally wounded farmer; seeing no one else, they put away their swords) You shouldn't be sitting out here like this.

Farmer:...Where else to sit? Tried to walk back to me hut- hurt too much. Then, I remembered they burnt me hut down.

Sandor Clegane: Who were "they"?

Farmer: I stopped asking a while ago (Sandor kneels next to him, inspects his wound)

Sandor Clegane:...That's not going to get better.

Farmer:...Doesn't seem so

Sandor Clegane: Bad way to go. Haven't you had enough?

Farmer: Of what? (sees the look Sandor gives him and laughs weakly) I know- time to go. Take matters into me own hands. (Arya also kneels) The thought has occurred to me.

Arya Stark: So why go on? (Sandor looks at her)

Farmer:...Habit. (smiles weakly)

Arya Stark: Nothing could be worse than this.

Farmer:...Maybe nothing IS worse... than this.

Arya Stark: Nothing isn't better... or worse than anything.(pause) Nothing is just nothing. (The farmer looks up at her)

Farmer:...Who are you?

Arya Stark:...My name's Arya- Arya Stark.

Farmer: (looks up at Sandor) You her father? (Sandor shakes his head)

Sandor Clegane: Her captor. Bringing her to her aunt, for ransom.

Farmer: (nods) A fair exchange, that is. I always held to the notion of fair exchange, in all my dealings. You give me- I give you- fair. A balance. (pause) No balance, anymore. Can I have a drink? Dying is thirsty work. (Sandor holds his flask to his lips and he drinks) Wish it were wine.

Sandor Clegane: So do I (he stabs the farmer in the heart with a hunting knife; the farmer gasps, then looks up at him and smiles slightly as he dies. Sandor cleans the knife on the man's sleeve, turns to Arya) That's where the heart is. (stands up) That's how you kill a man-

[Suddenly, a ragged man jumps on Sandor from behind and bites him on the neck. Arya springs up; roaring with pain, the Hound yanks his attacker off and breaks his neck. They turn to see another ragged man, Rorge, holding a sword, uncertain whether he should attack]

Sandor Clegane: (angrily, his hands clasped to the bite wound on his neck) The FUCk you doing?!

Rorge: There's a price on your head-

Sandor Clegane: Yes, that's what the King does when you tell him to fuck off.

Rorge: The King's dead. He drank poisoned wine at his own wedding. (Arya and Sandor, surprised, look at each other) The bounty on you is for killing Lannister soldiers- a hundred silver stags-

Sandor Clegane: (contemptuously) And you thought you were going to collect it? Didn't think very hard, did you?

Arya Stark: (recognizing Rorge from Harrenhall) ...You were Yoren's prisoners, when he was taking me to the Wall. (moves towards him angrily, talking to Sandor) He told me he'd fuck me bloody with a stick. (Rorge stares at her uncertainly)

Sandor Clegane: (to Rorge) This day's really not working out the way you planned. (to Arya) He on your little list?

Arya: He can't be- I don't know his name.

Sandor Clegane: What's your name?

Rorge: Rorge.

Arya Stark: Thank you. (draws Needle and stabs Rorge through the heart)

Sandor Clegane: You're learning.

[Bronn enters Tyrion's cell, dressed in noble finery]

Bronn: My lord. [makes a mocking bow]

Tyrion Lannister: [suspicious] You have new clothes.

Bronn: You like them, eh? Gloves are doeskin, softer than a virgin's thighs.

Tyrion Lannister: I sent for you days ago.

Bronn: I've been a bit busy.

Tyrion Lannister: Doing what?!

Bronn: My lonesome bachelor days are over. I'm to wed Lollys Stokeworth.

Tyrion Lannister: [astounded] Lollys Stokeworth?! She doesn't strike me as your sort of girl.

Bronn: I wouldn't say I had a single sort of girl.

Tyrion Lannister: She's dim-witted!

Bronn: If I wanted wits, I'd marry you.

Tyrion Lannister: When my sister arranged this love match, did she mention that Lollys has an older sister?

Bronn: Falyse. Aye, I did know about the older sister.

Tyrion Lannister: And you do understand the rules of inheritance?

Bronn: Falyse is forty and barren.

Tyrion Lannister: She still gets Castle Stokeworth when her father dies.

Bronn: [nods] She does...unless she happens to perish before her father, then Lollys gets the castle. [sees Tyrion's incredulous expression] What?! Ladies fall from their horse and snap their pretty necks all the time.

Tyrion Lannister: You and my sister deserve each other. Why did you bother to come here?

Bronn: You once said if anyone ever asked me to sell you out, you'd double their price.

Tyrion Lannister: Is it two wives you want or two castles?!

Bronn: One of each would do... but if you want me to kill the Mountain for you, it'd better be a damn big castle.

Tyrion Lannister: I'm a bit short on castles at the moment, but I can offer you gold and gratitude.

Bronn: I have gold. What can I buy with gratitude?

Tyrion Lannister: You might be surprised. A Lannister always pays his debts.

Bronn: Your sister's a Lannister too.

Tyrion Lannister: My wife is heir to Winterfell. If I emerge from this with my head still on my shoulders, I may one day rule the North in her name. I could carve you out a big piece of it.

Bronn: If and may and could. It's bloody cold up north. Lollys is soft and warm and close. If I gave you the choice between fucking Lollys and fighting the Mountain, you'd have your britches down and your cock up before I could blink!

Tyrion Lannister: Does he frighten you so much?!

Bronn: I'd be a bloody fool if he didn't frighten me. He's freakish big and freakish strong, and quicker than you'd expect for a man of that size. Maybe I could take him, dance around until he's so tired from hacking at me he dropped his sword, get him off his feet somehow...but one misstep and I'm dead. Why should I risk it?

Tyrion Lannister: Because you're my friend.

Bronn: Aye, I'm your friend...and when have you ever risked your life for me? [Tyrion looks stunned and then despondent] I like you, pampered little shit that you are. I just...like myself more.

Tyrion Lannister: I understand.

Bronn: I'm sorry it has to be this way.

Tyrion Lannister: Why are you sorry? Because you're an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That's what I liked about you in the first place. [they shake hands for the last time]

Bronn: We had some good days together.

Tyrion Lannister: Yes, we did. [Bronn goes to leave, but stops at the door]

Bronn: What will you do?

Tyrion Lannister: I suppose I'll have to kill the Mountain myself. Won't that make for a great song?

Bronn: [sincerely] I hope to hear them sing it one day.

Jorah Mormont: Daario Naharis killed his captains and dumped their heads at your feet when he grew tired of their commands. How could you ever have faith in a man like that?

Daenerys Targaryen: I could never have faith in a man like Daario. That's why I've sent him and the Second Sons to retake Yunkai.

Jorah Mormont: You have?

Daenerys Targaryen: I have.

Jorah Mormont: Without you there to rule, Khaleesi, I fear the masters will simply bide their time, wait for the invaders to leave and reassert control.

Daenerys Targaryen: That is why I've ordered Daario to execute every master in Yunkai. The masters tear babies from their mothers' arms. They mutilate little boys by the thousands. They train little girls in the art of pleasuring old men.

Jorah Mormont: They treat men like beasts, as you said yourself. Herding the masters into pens and slaughtering them by the thousands is also treating men like beasts. The slaves you freed, brutality is all they've ever known. If you want them to know something else, you'll have to show it to them.

Daenerys Targaryen: And repay the slavers with what? Kindness? A fine? A stern warning?

Jorah Mormont: It's tempting to see your enemies as evil, all of them, but there's good and evil on both sides in every war ever fought.

Daenerys Targaryen: Let the priests argue over good and evil. Slavery is real. I can end it. I will end it. And I will end those behind it.

Jorah Mormont: I sold men into slavery, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: And now you are helping me show them to freedom.

Jorah Mormont: I wouldn't be here to help you if Ned Stark had done to me what you want to do to the masters of Yunkai.

Daenerys Targaryen: ...The man who came to me the other day about burying his father.

Jorah Mormont: Hizdahr zo Loraq?

Daenerys Targaryen: He will accompany the Second Sons and serve as my ambassador to Yunkai. He will tell the masters what has happened in Meereen. He will explain the choice they have before them. They can live in my new world or they can die in their old one. Well, go and catch Daario before he leaves. Tell him I changed my mind.

Jorah Mormont: Yes, Khaleesi.

Daenerys Targaryen: No. Tell him you changed my mind.

Tyrion Lannister: (Oberyn enters the cell, lighting it with a torch) I imagined you'd be back at the brothel at this hour.

Oberyn Martell: I did spend some time with an absolutely stunning blonde the other day. (puts the torch in a bracket)

Tyrion Lannister: Mm, do tell. I've got every kind of filth down here except the kind I like.

Oberyn Martell: Your sister, actually.

Tyrion Lannister: (rolls his eyes) ...Oh.

Oberyn Martell: (pulls up a bench, sits across from Tyrion) Cersei approached me. We spoke a great deal about her daughter. How worried your sister is about her. She was trying very hard to pretend she had not come to sway me against you- I think she may have even believed it herself.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles grimly) Making honest feelings do dishonest work is one of her many gifts.

Oberyn Martell: It was difficult for her to hide her true intentions. (raises his eyebrows) It is rare... to meet a Lannister who shares my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters. She desperately wants to see you killed.

Tyrion Lannister: (shrugs) She didn't need to bother you. It looks as though I've taken care of that myself. The joy she will feel when my head leaves my neck... she's wanted this for a long time.

Oberyn Martell: Yes, I know. (Tyrion frowns in confusion) We met, you and I. Many years ago.

Tyrion Lannister: ...I think I would have remembered that.

Oberyn Martell: Unlikely- you had just been born. Our father brought me and my sister Elia with him, on a visit to Casterly Rock; my first time away from Dorne. I didn't like anything about the Rock. Not the food, not the weather, not your accents. Nothing. But the biggest disappointment... you.

Tyrion Lannister: (smiles) You and my family have more in common than you might admit.

Oberyn Martell:The whole way from Dorne, all anyone talked about was the monster that had been born to Tywin Lannister. A head twice the size of his body, a tail between his legs, claws, one red eye, the privates of both a girl and a boy-

Tyrion Lannister: That would have made things so much easier.

Oberyn Martell: When we met your sister, she promised she would show you to us. Every day, we would ask; every day, she would say, "Soon." Then, she and your brother took us to your nursery and... she unveiled the freak. (pause) Your head was a bit large, your arms and legs were a bit small, but no claw. No red eye. No tail between your legs, just a tiny pink cock. We didn't try to hide our disappointment. "That's not a monster," I told Cersei. "That's just a baby." And she said, "He killed my mother." And she pinched your little cock so hard, I thought she might pull it off. Until your brother made her stop. "It doesn't matter," she told us. "Everyone says he will die soon. I hope they are right. He should not have lived this long."

Tyrion Lannister: (holding back tears of resentment and loneliness) Well... sooner or later, Cersei always gets what she wants.

Oberyn Martell: And what about what I want? Justice... for my sister, and for her children.

Tyrion Lannister: (chuckles bitterly) If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place.

Oberyn Martell: I disagree. I've come to the perfect place. I want to bring those who have wronged me to justice. And, all those who have wronged me are right here. (stands up) I will begin with Ser Gregor Clegane, who killed my sister's children and then raped her with their blood still on his hands before killing her, too. (turns, pulls a torch from the wall bracket, then turns back to face Tyrion) I will be your champion. (Tyrion begins shaking with relief, that someone will finally stand for him)

Sansa Stark: You wanted to see me, Aunt Lysa?

Lysa Arryn:Come here, Sansa. Do you know how far the fall is?

Sansa Stark: No.

Lysa Arryn: Neither do I, precisely. Hundreds of feet. It's fascinating what happens to bodies when they hit the rocks from such a height. The impact breaks them right apart. Like eggs dropped on the floor. Sometimes pieces remain intact. You'll find the head sitting on its own. Every hair in place. Blue eyes staring at nothing. I know what you did.

Sansa Stark: I'm so sorry, Aunt Lysa. I never should have hit Robin, I know it. I promise it won't happen-

Lysa Arryn: Don't be coy with me, you little whore. You kissed him. You kissed Petyr.

Sansa Stark: I didn't. You don't understand.

Lysa Arryn: I saw you. You can't lie to me because I saw it with my own eyes.

Sansa Stark: He kissed me. I pulled away.

Lysa Arryn: Liar! [grabs Sansa by her hair and hold her over de Moon Door] Whore! He is mine! My father, my husband, my sister, they all stood between us and now they're all dead. That's what happens to people who stand between Petyr and me. Look down! Look down! Look down! Look down!

Petyr Baelish: Lysa! Let her go.

Lysa Arryn:You want her? This empty-headed child?

Petyr Baelish: Let her go.

Lysa Arryn: She's just like her mother. She'll never love you. I lied for you. I killed for you. Why did you bring her here? Why?

Petyr Baelish: I'll send her away. I swear on my life. I swear to all the gods. Let her go, Lysa.

[Lysa releases Sansa. Baelish walks over to her and helps a crying Lysa to her feet]

Petyr Baelish: Oh, my sweet wife. My sweet, silly wife. I have only loved one woman... only one, my entire life. [Lysa smiles] Your sister.

[Lysa only has a second to process this before Baelish shoves her out of the Moon Door; she plummets to her death, screaming]

Samwell Tarly: (tearfully, on having sent Gilly to Mole's Town) I should never have left her there.

Jon Snow': You couldn't have known-

Samwell Tarly: Of course I could've known. (Grenn paces angrily nearby) They were raiding the villages closeby-

Grenn: And we just cower in here while they slaughter our Brothers-

Dolorous Edd: The Brothers had orders to stay at Castle Black.

Grenn: Oh, so it's all right, then?! Black Jack and Keggs and Mully- chopped to pieces, 'cause they broke the rules?!

Dolorous Edd: I didn't say it was all right. I'm sayin', they shouldn't have been there-

Grenn: We're pledged to guard the Realms of Men!

Samwell Tarly: (quietly) She's dead, because of me-

Grenn: We can't even guard Mole's Town!

Jon Snow: We can't go after them- you know that. It's what they want. (Grenn leans against the table, defeated)

Samwell Tarly: Poor little Sam- it's as if I cut their throats myself.

Pyp: Maybe she managed to hide herself. (glances around at Jon, Edd, Sam and Grenn) I thought all of you was dead- you went up North with Mormont and no one came back. Not for ages. But then you did. (Sam looks up at him, a little more hopeful)

Dolorous Edd: She survived Craster- and he was the worst shit I've ever met. She survived a long march to the Wall- she survived a White Walker, for fuck's sake! (Grenn and Pyp both smile) She might've got out.

Samwell Tarly: (looks around at them)..She might have.

Jon Snow: (pause) If they hit Mole's Town...then we're next. (pause) Mance and his army must be close.

Pyp: A hundred thousand of them.

Grenn: And there's, what- a hundred and five of us left?

Dolorous Edd: You countin' Blackjack, Keggs and Mully? (Grenn looks down) A hundred and two.

Pyp: (looks to Jon) How do a hundred and two men stop a hundred thousand? (Jon has no answer)

Dolorous Edd: (fills his ale-cup) Whoever dies last- be a good lad and burn the rest of us. Once I'm done with this world...I don't wanna come back. (they drink)

Anya Waynwood: [to Sansa] You have nothing to fear from us or him. Lord Baelish here is your uncle? Your name is Alayne? [Sansa remains silent] Perhaps you would feel more comfortable if Lord Baelish left the room.

Petyr Baelish: My lady-

Anya Waynwood: I wasn't asking you.

Sansa Stark: [softly] He can stay.

Yohn Royce: Speak up, girl, you're not a damn kitchen mouse. Tell us what you saw.

Sansa Stark: I'm sorry, Lord Baelish. I have to tell the truth. I'll tell you everything.

Anya Waynwood: Please, Alayne, leave nothing out.

Sansa Stark: My name is not Alayne. It's Sansa Stark, eldest daughter of Lord Eddard Stark. Lord Royce, we met when you came to Winterfell. You were escorting your son Ser Waymar to the Wall.

Yohn Royce: [incredulously] Sansa Stark? [to Baelish] You tell lies right to my face, you little worm?

Sansa Stark: Lord Baelish has told many lies. All to protect me. Since my father was executed, I have been a hostage in King's Landing. A plaything for Joffrey to torture or Queen Cersei to torment. They beat me, they humiliated me, they married me to the Imp. I had no friends in King's Landing... except one. [looks to Baelish] He saved me. Smuggled me away when he had the chance. He knew I'd be safe here in the Eyrie with my own blood, my Aunt Lysa. The Lannisters have friends everywhere. Even the Vale. He made me swear not to tell anyone my true name.

Vance Corbray: Your secret is safe with us, my lady.

Yohn Royce: Your father grew up right here in these halls. We hunted together many times. He was a fine man.

Anya Waynwood: Tell us what happened to your aunt, Sansa.

Sansa Stark: You knew her well, my lords, my lady. You knew she was a troubled woman. She always loved Lord Baelish. She told me herself. From the moment he arrived at the gates of Riverrun, a boy of eight carrying everything he owned in a little sack. She confessed to me she never loved Lord Arryn. She did as her father commanded, as so many of us have. When the gods finally allowed her to be with Lord Baelish, she was so happy. For a time. My aunt was a jealous lady. She was terrified that Lord Baelish didn't love her anymore. That he would abandon her for a younger woman. And then... one day she saw him kiss me.

Yohn Royce: [shocked] Lady Sansa.

Sansa Stark: It was a peck on the cheek, Lord Royce, nothing more. Lord Baelish is my uncle now, in truth, by marriage. He's always been so kind to me. I was so happy to be here, to be free. All because of him. But my aunt turned on me. She cursed me. Called me a whore. Promised to throw me through the Moon Door. When Lord Baelish tried to calm her, she struck him. She said she didn't want to live anymore. She stood on the edge of that Moon Door. He tried to reason with her. Promised her she was the only one he had ever loved, but she stepped through those doors and she was- [starts crying]

Anya Waynwood: Shh. [hugs Sansa] Shh, it's not your fault, sweet girl. It's not your fault.

[Barristan Selmy approaches Jorah Mormont after receiving a letter sent from The Hand of the King]

Jorah Mormont: Ser Barristan.

Barristan Selmy: Ser Jorah.

Jorah Mormont: Have I forgotten a council meeting?

Barristan Selmy: No. [Hands him the letter]

Jorah Mormont: What's this?

Barristan Selmy: A royal pardon signed by Robert Baratheon. [As Jorah reads it] You spied on her.

Jorah Mormont: Who gave you this?

Barristan Selmy: Does it matter? [Takes the pardon]

Jorah Mormont: Have you told her?

Barristan Selmy: I wanted to tell you first, man to man, rather than go behind your back.

Jorah Mormont: Let me speak with her in private.

Barristan Selmy: You'll never be alone with her again. [Leaves]

[Moments after, Jorah enters Daenerys's throne room]

Daenerys Targaryen: Why did the Usurper pardon you?

Jorah Mormont: If we could speak alone...

Daenerys Targaryen: No. Speak to me here. Explain it to me.

Jorah Mormont: Who do you think sent this to Meereen? Who profits? This is the work of Tywin Lannister. He wants to divide us. If we're fighting each other, we're not fighting him.

Daenerys Targaryen: The pardon was signed the year we met. Why were you pardoned? Unless you're saying this document was forged?

[beat]

Jorah Mormont: It is not forged.

Daenerys Targaryen: Why then?

Jorah Mormont: I sent letters to Varys. The spymaster of King's Landing.

Daenerys Targaryen: [seething] What was the content of these letters?

Jorah Mormont: Information.

Daenerys Targaryen: What information?

Jorah Mormont: When you and Viserys arrived in Pentos. His plan to marry you to Khal Drogo. When you were married. When your brother died...

Daenerys Targaryen: You told them I was carrying Drogo's child?

Jorah Mormont: I—

Daenerys Targaryen: Yes or no?

Jorah Mormont: Khaleesi—

Daenerys Targaryen: Don't call me that. Did you tell them I was carrying Drogo's child?

Jorah Mormont: [long beat] Yes. [Daenerys stands up]

Daenerys Targaryen: That wine merchant tried to poison me because of your information.

Jorah Mormont: I stopped you from drinking his wine.

Daenerys Targaryen: Because you knew it was poisoned.

Jorah Mormont: I suspected...

Daenerys Targaryen: [furious] You betrayed me... From the first!

Jorah Mormont: [kneeling] Forgive me. I never meant... Please, Khaleesi. Forgive me—

Daenerys Targaryen: You sold my secrets to the man who killed my father and stole my brother's throne—

Jorah Mormont: I have protected you, fought for you, killed for you!

Daenerys Targaryen: [talking over him] —you want me to forgive you!?

Jorah Mormont: [beat] I have loved you.

Daenerys Targaryen: Love...? Love!? How can you say that to me? Any other man and I would have you executed, but you—I don't want you in my city dead or alive. Go back to your masters in King's Landing, collect your pardon if you can. [He rises and reaches out to her]

Jorah Mormont: Daenerys, please—

Daenerys Targaryen: Don't ever presume to touch me again or speak my name. You have until dusk to collect your things and leave this city. If you are found in Meereen past break of day, I'll have your head thrown into Slaver's Bay. [beat] Go... now.

[Ramsay has arrived with a force of Bolton soldiers outside the besieged castle of Moat Cailin, held by the Ironborn]

Ramsay Snow: (after dressing Theon/Reek in his old Greyjoy armor, looking at the sigil on the breastplate) Kraken! Hmmm- strong- as long as they're in the sea. But, when you take them out of the water- (shrugs) No bones! They collapse under their proud weight, and slump into a heap of nothing. You'd think they'd know that- unfortunately, they're not very bright. (looks Theon in the eye) What do you tell them?

Theon Greyjoy/ Reek: That I'm Theon Greyjoy, son of Balon, heir to the Iron Islands. (Ramsay puts a gauntlet over Theon's right hand, which is missing a finger)

Ramsay Snow: And what are you, really?

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: (quickly) I'm Reek.

Ramsay Snow: Are you sure (Theon nods frantically) You do look very much like a lord. Formidable, proud...

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: I'm Reek.

Ramsay Snow: Until when?

Theon Greyjoy/Reek: Always. Forever.

Ramsay Snow: That's right. (pats Theon/Reek's cheek) Until you're rotting in the ground. (takes Theon's shoulder and walks him towards the approach to Moat Cailin) Remember what you are- and what you're not. Bring me Moat Cailin.

[Ramsay Snow and his men, having used Theon to take Moat Cailin and its' garrison, meet with Roose Bolton and the main Bolton army.]

Ramsay Snow: (presenting Roose with the Greyjoy banner) Moat Cailin is yours, Father.

Roose Bolton: (stares at him)...Walk with me. (they walk up a hillside) Has there been any word from Locke.

Ramsay Snow: No.

Roose Bolton: Unimportant. A cripple, and a young boy... None of the Northern lords have seen them. Dead, most likely. (pause) Most of the Ironborn have fled the North- now, more will follow, thanks to you. (they reach the hilltop) Tell me what you see.

Ramsay Snow: (glances around, confused) Moors, fields, hills...

Roose Bolton: Tell me what you see.

Ramsay Snow: (glances around again, shrugs) Nothing.

Roose Bolton: Not nothing- the North. (gestures in various directions) Ride seven hundred miles that way, you're still in the North. Four hundred miles that way- three hundred miles that way. The North is larger than the other six kingdoms combined. And, I am the Warden of the North- the North is mine. (pause) Now, tell me- what is your name?

Ramsay Snow: Ramsay Snow.

Roose Bolton: No, not Ramsay Snow. (hands him a scroll) Open it. (Ramsay does so) From this day until your last day, you are Ramsay Bolton, son of Roose Bolton, Warden of the North.

Ramsay Snow: (stares at him, kneels) You honor me. I swear, I will uphold your tradition and your name. I will be worthy of you, Father- I promise.

Arya Stark: (referring to Joffrey's death, as they approach the Bloody Gate) I thought it'd make me happy, but it doesn't- not really.

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane: Nothing makes you happy.

Arya Stark: Lots of things make me happy-

Sandor Clegane: Like what?!

Arya Stark: Killing Poliver. Killing Rorge.

Sandor Clegane: (sarcastically) So you're sad because you didn't get to kill Joffrey yourself. is that it?

Arya Stark: At least I could've been there to watch. I wanted to see the look in his eyes, when he knew it was over.

Sandor Clegane: Aye... nothing in the world beats that look.

Arya Stark: You protected him for most of his life- you think you could've saved him?

Sandor Clegane: I wasn't the damn wine-taster. (drinks from his waterskin) Little shit deserved to die, but poison... poison's a woman's weapon. Men kill with steel.

Arya Stark: That's your stupid pride talking- that's why you'll never be a great killer. (they pass some peasants) I'd kill Joffrey with a chicken bone if I had to.

Sandor Clegane: (chuckles) I'd pay good money to see that. (rubs the bandaged bite wound on his neck and grunts in pain)

Arya Stark: (glances at him) You should've let me burn it.

Sandor Clegane: It's a flea bite.

Arya Stark: That flea bite's got you walking a lot slower than you used to. (they come in sight of the Bloody Gate, with the Eyrie visible in the mountains beyond)

Sandor Clegane: Well, we won't have to walk too much further.

Arya Stark: You really think my aunt will pay for me? (they walk between two Arryn men-at-arms)

Sandor Clegane: Aye, she'll pay for you.

Arya Stark: I've never even met her.

Sandor Clegane: Doesn't matter. You're her blood. Family, honor- all that horseshit. It's all you Lords and Ladies ever talk about.

Arya Stark: I'm not a Lady.

Arryn soldier: Who would pass the Bloody Gate? (several archers emerge on the cliffs flanking the road, aiming at Arya and Sandor)

Sandor Clegane: The bloody Hound! Sandor Clegane, and his... (glances at Arya) traveling companion, Arya Stark, niece of your Lady Lhysa Arryn.

Arryn soldier: (bows his head) Then I offer my condolences. Lady Arryn died three days ago. (Sandor looks stunned. After a moment, Arya breaks into hysterical laughter)

Tyrion Lannister: (swigs some wine) Wine always helps- thank you for it. (Jaime nods) Trial by combat- deciding a man's guilt or innocence in the eyes of the Gods, by having two other men hack each other to pieces. (shrugs) Tells you something about the Gods. (Jaime smiles) How much longer?

Jaime Lannister: Soon.

Tyrion Lannister: Do you thing Oberyn has a chance? (Jaime shrugs, looking unconvinced) The Red Viper of Dorne! You don't get a name like that unless you're deadly, right?

Jaime Lannister: I've never seen him fight.

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, he's going to die! I'm going to die!

Jaime Lannister: (trying to cheer him up) Oberyn believes in himself-

Tyrion Lannister: Oh, that's putting it mildly. (takes a piss) What's the punishment for regicide? Drawing and quartering? Hanging? Breaking at the wheel?

Jaime Lannister: (sighs) Beheading.

Tyrion Lannsiter: Seems rather ordinary. And he was my nephew as well. so what's that? Fratricide is brothers, filicide is sons. Nepoticide! That's the one. (muttering to himself) Matricide, Patricide, infanticide, suicide. There's no kind of killing that doesn't have its own word.

Jaime Lannister: [Guiltily] Cousins.

Tyrion Lannister: Cousins? You're right. There is no name for cousin-killing! Well done. Do you remember cousin Orson? Orson Lannister?

Jaime Lannister: Of course. Wet nurse dropped him on his head, left him simple.

Tyrion Lannister: Simple. Used to sit all day in the garden, crushing beetles with a rock.

Tyrion and Jaime: (imitating Orson) Kun, kun, kun!

Tyrion Lannister: Nothing made him happier.

Jaime Lannister: Nothing made you happier. You'd think being tormented from birth would give you some affinity for the afflicted.

Tyrion Lannister: On the contrary. Laughing at another person's misery was the only thing that made me feel like everyone else.

Jaime Lannister: Joke wore thin, though.

Tyrion Lannister: For you. You drifted away.

Jaime Lannister: I had other interests.

Tyrion Lannister: Yes. Other interests. But I stayed with Orson.

Jaime Lannister: Why?

Tyrion Lannister: I was curious. Why was he smashing all those beetles? What did he get out of it? First thing I did was ask him. "Orson, why are you smashing all those beetles?" He gave me an answer. (mimics Orson's speech impediment) "Smash the beetles! Smash them! Kun kun kun!" (Jaime chuckles) I wasn't deterred. I was the smartest person I knew, certainly I had the wherewithal to unravel the mysteries that lay at the heart of a moron. So I went to Maester Valeric's library.

Jaime Lannister: (looks disgusted) Valeric. Tried to touch me once.

Tyrion Lannister: Turns out far too much has been written about great men and not nearly enough about morons. Doesn't seem right. In any case, I found nothing that illuminated the nature of Orson's affliction or the reason behind his relentless beetles slaughter. So I went back to the source. I may not have been able to speak with Orson, but I could observe him, watch him, the way men watch animals to come to a deeper understanding of their behavior. (Tyrion picks up a bug off the floor) And as I watched, I became more and more sure of it: there was something happening there. (watches the bug crawling around his palm) His face was like the page of a book written in a language I didn't understand, but he wasn't mindless, he had his reasons. And I became possessed with knowing what they were. I began spending inordinate amounts of time watching him. I would eat my lunch in the garden, chewing my mutton to the music of "kun kun kun". And when I wasn't watching him, I was thinking about him. Father droned on about the family legacy and I thought about Orson's beetles. I read the histories of Targaryen conquests. Did I hear dragon wings? No, I heard "kun kun kun". And I still couldn't figure out why he was doing it. And I had to know because it was horrible, that all these beetles would be dying for no reason.

Jaime Lannister: (incredulous) Every day around the world, men, women, and children are murdered by the score. Who gives a dusty fuck about a bunch of beetles?

Tyrion Lannister: I know, I know- but still it filled me with dread. Piles and piles of them, years and years of them. How many countless living, crawling things smashed, dried out, and returned to the dirt? In my dreams, I found myself standing on a beach made of beetle husks stretching as far as the eye can see. I woke up, crying, weeping for their shattered little bodies. I tried to stop Orson once.

Jaime Lannister: He was twice your size.

Tyrion Lannister: He just pushed me aside with a "kun", kept on smashing. Every day. Until that mule kicked him in the chest and killed him. (Tyrion releases the bug and it crawls away) So what do you think? Why did he do it? What's it all about?

Jaime Lannister: I don't know. (the bells toll, signalling the time is approaching; Jaime stands and walks to the door of the cell) Good luck today.

Petyr Baelish: The first time I saw you, you were just a child. A girl from the North, come to the capital for the first time. Not a child any longer. Why did you help me?

Sansa Stark: They would have thrown you through the Moon Door if they'd found you guilty.

Petyr Baelish: That's not an answer.

Sansa Stark: [nonchalant] If they'd've executed you, what would they have done with me?

Petyr Baelish: I don't know.

Sansa Stark: Neither do I.

Petyr Baelish: Better to gamble on the man you know than the strangers you don't... you think you know me?

Sansa Stark: I know what you want.

Petyr Baelish: Do you?

Tyrion Lannister: Looks like very light armor.

Oberyn Martell: I like to move around.

Tyrion Lannister: You could at least wear a helmet. [Oberyn sips a cup of wine] You shouldn't drink before a fight.

Oberyn Martell: You learn this during your years in the fighting pits? [Ellaria smirks at Tyrion] I always drink before a fight.

Tyrion Lannister: It could get you killed. It could get me killed.

Oberyn Martell: Today is not the day I die.

Ellaria Sand: [seeing the Mountain enter the ring to many cheers, dressed in very heavy armor] You're going to fight that?

Oberyn Martell: I'm going to kill that.

Ellaria Sand: He's the biggest man I've ever seen.

Oberyn Martell: Size does not matter when you are flat on your back.

Tyrion Lannister: [sotto voice] Thank the gods.

Ellaria Sand: [after kissing Oberyn one last time] Don't leave me alone in this world.

Oberyn Martell: Never.

Oberyn Martell: [after performing some warm-up acrobatics with his spear, drawing cheers from the crowd] Have they told you who I am?

Gregor Clegane: Some dead man. [He swings his greatsword, Oberyn easily dodges]

Oberyn Martell: I am the brother of Elia Martell. Do you know why I have come all the way to this stinking shit-pile of a city? [grins] For you. I am going to hear you confess before you die. You raped my sister. You murdered her. You killed her children. Say it now and we can make this quick. [Clegane lunges at him again, roaring; the Viper fends off his strike with his spearblade, then knocks off Clegane's helmet and moves around him in a circle] Say it. [He dodges the Mountain's swings repeatedly as he speaks, still grinning] You raped her. You murdered her. [He pins down Clegane's sword momentarily with his spearblade] You killed her children. [Oberyn continues to circle and dodge around Clegane's furious attacks; he finally gets close enough to stab him in the side. Clegane kicks at the Viper and knocks him off his feet, but Oberyn dodges his swing; he continues to circle the Mountain] You raped her! You murdered her! You killed her children! [ Oberyn makes a series of attacks; the Mountain cuts his spear in half. Oberyn narrowly dodges the Mountain's next swing and grabs another spear from his attendant; in their next clash, Clegane pummels him to the ground, but Oberyn manages to roll under his swing and stabs him in the side again. Clegane's charges are becoming slower and clumsier, Oberyn's voice is rising with rage] You raped her! You murdered her! [Circling aggressively, Oberyn slashes the Mountain's right hamstring with the spearblade, brings him to his knees] You killed her children! [he leaps and stabs Ser Gregor through the chestplate, knocking him onto his back. The crowd roars, Ellaria, Jaime and Tyrion look relieved; Cersei looks furious] Wait. Are you dying? No, no, no. You can't die yet. You haven't confessed. [wrenches his spear free, stalks around his prone opponent] Say it. Say her name. Elia Martell. You raped her. You killed her children. Elia Martell. [points at Tywin, who looks uneasy] Who gave you the order? Who gave you the order?! Say her name! You raped her! You murdered her! You killed her children. Say it. Say her name. [meets Ellaria's eyes; she nods approvingly] Say it!

Gregor Clegane: [trips Oberyn to the ground, knocks his teeth out with one blow, rolls over and pins him, and begins gouging out his eyes] Elia Martell. I killed her children. Then I raped her. Then I smashed her head in like this! [crushes Oberyn's skull, then rolls over, severely wounded; Ellaria screams in horror as Tyrion and Jaime are left dumbstruck. Cersei smirks triumphantly, as Tywin stands up to give the verdict]

Tywin Lannister: The gods have made their will known. Tyrion Lannister, in the name of King Tommen of the House Baratheon, First of His Name, you are hereby sentenced to death.

Sam: What was she like?

Jon: She...she had red hair.

Sam: [sarcastically] Oh? How big were her feet?

Jon: What do you want me to say?

Sam: I want you to tell me what it was like to have someone, to be with someone, to love someone and have them love you back. We're all gonna die a lot sooner than I planned. You're the closest I'll ever get to knowing.

Jon: So you and Gilly never...?

Sam: No. She just had a baby. And she never offered.

Jon: But if she had, you would have? You would have broken your vows?

Sam: The interesting thing is our vows never specifically forbid intimate relations with women.

Jon: What?

Sam: "I shall take no wife", yes, that's in there, there's no denying that. "I shall father no children", it's very specific. But what our vows have to say about other activities is open to interpretation.

Jon: I don't think Ser Alliser cares much for interpretation.

Sam: Anyway, there's nothing for him to interpret. We didn't. So what's it like?

Jon: It's...there's this person, this whole other person, and you're wrapped in them, they're wrapped up in you, and...you...for a little...for a little while you're more than just you, you're...well, I don't know, I'm not a bleeding poet!

Sam: No, you're really not.

Jon: And what did I get for it? An arrow six inches from my heart.

Sam: They'll be arrows for all of us soon, I imagine.

Jon: There will.

Sam: They've already done the worst thing to me they can ever do.

Jon: Go get some sleep, Sam. I'll take this watch.

Jon: That's the last of the oil, Ser Alliser.

Alliser Thorne: A hundred thousand, you say?

Jon: Yes, sir.

Alliser Thorne: You can say it if you like. We should have sealed the tunnel while we had the chance, like you suggested.

Jon: It was a difficult decision either way, sir.

Alliser Thorne: Do you know what leadership means, Lord Snow? It means that the person in charge gets second guessed by every clever little twat with a mouth. But if he starts second guessing himself, that's the end. For him, for the clever little twats, for everyone. This is not the end. Not for us. Not if you lot do your duty for however long it takes to beat them back. And then you get to go on hating me, and I get to go on wishing your Wildling whore had finished the job.

[Grenn and five other Watchmen enter the tunnel; looking through the bars of the inner gate, they see the remaining giant lifting up the outer gate with his bare hands]

Hill: How are we gonna stop that?!

2nd Watchman: He's got twenty arrows in him already!

Grenn: You heard Jon- we hold the Gate!

Hill: Jon Snow's not Lord Commander-

Grenn: We hold the Gate! (the giant pushes his way under the outer gate and lets it fall closed behind him; straightening up, he looks down the tunnel at the Watchmen)

Hill: (draws his sword, terrified) Mother save me- Father save me-

Grenn: (grimly) The Gods aren't down here- it's just the six of us, do you hear me?! (the giant roars and begins to move towards them; Hill tries to withdraw, but Grenn grabs him and pulls him back to the Gate.)

Hill: No, please-

Grenn: "Night gathers, and so my Watch begins. It shall not end until my death! (roaring, the giant breaks into a run) I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children!"

Grenn and the other four Watchmen: "I shall wear no crowns, win no glory! I shall live and die by my post!" (The giant roars again, picking up speed)

All six Watchmen: "I am the Sword in the Darkness! I am the Watcher on the Walls! I am the Shield that guards the Realms of Men! (they all draw their swords as the giant closes in) I PLEDGE MY LIFE TO THE NIGHT'S WATCH, FOR THIS NIGHT, AND FOR ALL THE NIGHTS TO COME!" (the Giant reaches the inner gate, and they all yell battle cries as he smashes against it)

[Ygritte has been mortally wounded by an arrow shot by Olly]

Ygritte: Jon Snow.

Jon: Hush. Don't talk.

Ygritte: You remember that cave? [Jon nods] We should have stayed in that cave.

Jon: We'll go back there.

Ygritte: You know nothing, Jon Snow.

[Ygritte dies]

[the morning after the battle, several Watchmen gather the bodies of the dead Wildlings and Watchmen for burning]

Sam: We held them off.

Jon: For one night.

Sam: This is a great victory!

Jon: Great victory? Mance was testing our defenses- he almost made it through. And, he has more giants, he has more mammoths; he has a thousand times as many men. (pause) They'll hit us again tonight. Maybe we can hold them off for a day or two, but we'll never beat them. (walks across the courtyard)

Sam: Where are you going?

Jon: I'm going to find Mance.

Sam: (shocked, runs to catch up) To fi- you can't do that! (Jon turns around) No one gave you any orders!

Jon: (looks at him incredulously) Who's left to give orders? (pause) The Wildling army is only an army because of Mance. He united a hundred warring tribes. Without Mance, they lose their leader- they lose their purpose, they go back to fighting each other, scatter back to their homes. (turns back towards the tunnel, Sam follows him again)

Sam: Without Mance- you goin' to kill him?!

Jon: I'm gonna try.

Sam: They'll never let you within a hundred yards of him! And even if they did, even if you managed to kill him-

Jon: They'll kill me. But if I don't go, they'll kill me anyway- they'll kill the rest of us, too.

Sam: They won't just kill you. (Jon stops) They'll boil you, they'll- flay you, they'll make it last days! (Jon turns around)

Jon: (grimly)...You're right. It's a bad plan. (pause) What's your plan? (pause, Sam stares at him, then Jon turns and continues into the tunnel. When the two of them reach the inner gate, they find the last giant dead, surrounded by the bodies of Grenn and the other five Watchmen)...They held the Gate. (pauses, closes Grenn's eyes) Get some brothers down here to help you- we need to burn the bodies (Sam nods sadly, they walk around the bodies and stop at the end of the tunnel) Raise the outer gate, then lower it again as soon as I'm out. (Sam signals the gatekeeper with a torch)

Sam: (notices Jon unbuckling Longclaw from his belt) What're you doing?

Jon: I promised Mormont I'd never lose it again. (hands the sword to Sam)...In case I don't come back. (the Gate begins to open)

Sam: Jon? (Jon turns to look at him)...Come back. (Jon gives him a sad smile and walks out beyond the Wall)

Mance Rayder: You're wearin' a black cloak again.

Jon Snow: I've been sent to negotiate with you. [Mance indicates for him to enter the tent, and they sit]

Mance Rayder: It appears my trusting nature got the better of me. It's happened before. I was hoping your loyalty was real when you pledged yourself to us, Jon Snow. Truly, I was.

Jon Snow: The Halfhand ordered me to join your army and bring back whatever information I could to Castle Black. He made me kill him, so that you'd trust me. I was loyal... to him, and to my Night's Watch vows.

Mance Rayder: [smiles] All of your vows? [Jon looks away, thinking of Ygritte] She wasn't enough to turn you, eh? Were you enough to turn her?

Jon Snow: [smiles] She put three arrows in me when I escaped.

Mance Rayder: Did you see her again at Castle Black?

Jon Snow: Yes.

Mance Rayder: And?...

Jon Snow: She's dead.

Mance Rayder: [pause] Your doing?

Jon Snow: [shakes his head] No.

Mance Rayder: We'll drink to her. [nods to one of his men, who pours a drink for him and Jon; Mance notices Jon eyeing the cup warily and snorts in disbelief] Of all the ways I'd kill you, poison would be the last. [He and Jon raise their cups in a toast] Ygritte.

Jon Snow: Ygritte. [they drink, and Jon coughs] That's not wine.

Mance: [chuckles] No, that's a proper Northern drink, Jon Snow. You did well, fought hard. Killed some of our strongest men. One of our giants went into your tunnel, and never came out again- Mag the Mighty.

Jon Snow: [nods] He's dead. He killed my friend Grenn.

Mance Rayder: He was their King- last of a bloodline that stretches back before the First Man.

Jon Snow: Grenn came from a farm.

Mance Rayder: [raises his cup again] Mag and Grenn.

Jon Snow: Grenn and Mag. [they drink again]

Mance Rayder: Fellback, can I trouble you for something to eat? I don't imagine our guest has eaten anything for quite some time. [Jon eyes Fellback's knife as he brings food to the table] So- you're here to strike a bargain.

Jon Snow: Turn your army around, and go home

Mance Rayder: {irritated at Jon's bluff] You know I know you're low on arrows. You're low on oil, you're low on men. [gives Jon a direct look] How many are left? Fifty?

Jon Snow: I told Tormund and Orrel- we have more than a thousand men.

Mance Rayder: I showed you everything I had- the whole army, 100,000 strong, and what did you do? [Fellback sticks his knife into the table next to them, catching Jon's attention] You fired on us with everything you had. It wasn't much. Soon as I saw that, I sent 400 men to climb the Wall- an unmanned stretch five miles west of here. [Jon looks directly at him, realizing his bluff has failed] A lot of them will die climbing, but most of them will be over by the end of the day. Here's me being honest with you, Jon Snow, which is more than you've ever done for me. My people have bled enough. We're not here to conquer, we're here to hide behind your Wall, just like you. We need your tunnel. Now, we both know that winter is coming- and if my people aren't south of the Wall when it comes in earnest, we'll all end up worse than dead. You want to strike a bargain with me? Here's the bargain. You go back, you open the gates to us, and I swear to you that no-one else will die. Refuse- and we'll kill every last man in Castle Black. [he suddenly sees Jon eyeing the knife in the table again and realizes he's really come to assassinate him; two of his men draw their swords and advance on Jon, but Mance stops them, smiling coldly at Jon] Ohhh...that's why you're here. I reckon you could do it before any of 'em could stop you. They'd kill you, of course- they'd kill you slow- but you knew that when you came in here. Are you capable of that, Jon Snow? Killing a man in his own tent when he's just offered you peace? Is that what the Night's Watch is? Is that what you are? [Jon stares back at him, and then a battle horn sounds, followed by Wildlings shouting. Mance grabs the knife and holds it to Jon's throat] You attackin' us?!

Jon Snow: [genuinely surprised] No- it's like you said, we don't have the men!

[An army of armored cavalry, carrying Stannis Baratheon's banners, has launched a surprise pincer attack on the larger but disorganized Wildling army, riding into the forest from both directions. Mance rushes outside the tent and tries to gain control over his men, with many of his bodyguards gathering around him]

Mance Rayder: HOLD! To me, to me! [He and Jon Snow watches in horror as many of the Wildlings are slaughtered. As the cavalry pincers collide, the fighting becomes increasingly one-sided as the Wildlings are overwhelmed; many of them flee towards Mance's camp]

Mance Rayder: STAND DOWN! [he throws his axe to the ground angrily] I said my people have bled enough, and I meant it! [As Stannis Baratheon and Davos Seaworth ride into his camp, he glares at them defiantly. Davos, Stannis and two guards dismount and walk towards them; one of the Wildlings attempts to attack them but is cut down by one of the horsemen. Mance draws his sword and dagger and drops them next to his axe. Realizing Mance is surrendering, Davos and the guards sheath their swords]

Baratheon cavalryman: Round them up!

Stannis Baratheon: [stopping in front of Mance and Jon, to Mance] You're the "King Beyond the Wall"? {Mance nods, both of them smile coldly at each other] Do you know who I am?

Mance Rayder: Never had the pleasure.

Davos Seaworth: This is Stannis Baratheon, the one true King of the Seven Kingdoms.

Mance Rayder: We're not in the Seven Kingdoms, and you're not dressed for this weather.

Stannis Baratheon: [pause] It is customary to kneel when surrendering to a King. [long pause, then Mance smiles and shakes his head]

Mance Rayder: We do not kneel. [Davos glares at him]

Stannis Baratheon: I'll have thousands of your men in chains by nightfall. I have nothing to feed them and nowhere to put them. I'm not here to slaughter beat dogs- their fate depends on their King.

Mance Rayder: [smiles and shakes his head again] All the same- we do not kneel. [Stannis stares at him then turns to his guards]

Stannis Baratheon: Take these men away. [the two guards draw their swords again and step forward]

Davos Seaworth: [looking at Jon] What's a man of the Night's Watch doing in a Wildling camp?

Jon Snow: I was sent to discuss terms with the King Beyond the Wall.

Davos Seaworth: [angrily] You're speaking to the one true King, boy. You will address him as "Your Grace".

Jon Snow: I know he's the King. My father died for him. [Stannis looks at him, Jon meets his gaze] My name is Jon Snow, Your Grace. I'm Ned Stark's son.

Stannis Baratheon: [looks more directly at Jon, pauses] Your father was an honorable man.

Jon Snow: He was, Your Grace.

Stannis Baratheon: What do you think he'd have done with him?[indicates Mance; Jon looks at Mance, while Mance stares defiantly at Stannis]

Jon Snow: [steps closer to Stannis, indicates Mance] I was this man's prisoner, once. He could've tortured me, he could've killed me... but instead he spared my life. [Stannis looks from Jon to Mance] I think my father would've taken him prisoner and listened to what he had to say. [long pause]

Stannis Baratheon: Very well, then. [turns to Davos] Take him prisoner. Davos walks alongside the unrestrained Mance, escorting him into captivity. Stannis watches him go]

Jon Snow: Your Grace? [Stannis turns back to him] If my father had seen the things that I've seen, he'd also tell you to burn the dead before nightfall- all of them.

[Jon visits Tormund in his confinement at Castle Black]

Tormund Giantsbaneː Your old blind man patched me up. Why?

Jon Snowː He's sworn to treat all wounded men, friend or foe.

Tormund Giantsbaneː You want me alive so you can torture me?

Jon Snowː No one's going to torture you.

Tormund Giantsbaneː How do we die? Hanging? Beheading? Drop us from the top of the Wall?

Jon Snowː I don't know what happens to the prisoners.

Tormund Giantsbaneː Who decides?

Jon Snowː I suppose Stannis does.

Tormund Giantsbaneː He your king now?

Jon Snowː I don't have a king.

Tormund Giantsbaneː You spent too much time among us, Jon Snow. You can never be a kneeler again.

Jon Snowː We're gonna burn the bodies of your dead. Do you want to say any words over them?

Tormund Giantsbaneː Words? What kind of words?

Jon Snowː Funeral words. I don't know how the free folk do it.

Tormund Giantsbaneː Do what?

Jon Snowː [pauses for a moment] Say farewell.

Tormund Giantsbaneː The dead can't hear us, boy. [Jon nods and makes his way to the door] Snow. [Jon turns back] Did you love her? She loved you.

Jon Snowː She told you?

Tormund Giantsbaneː No. All she ever talked about was killing you. That's how I know. [voice breaks slightly] She belongs in the North - the real North. You understand me?

Pycelle: (examining the unconscious Gregor Clegane's severely infected injuries, after his duel with Oberyn Martell) I would suggest milk of the poppy to ease his pain, but the concensus-

Cersei Lannister: (furious) Bloody Martells!

Pycelle: The cause appears to be manticore venom-

Qyburn: (also examining the Mountain's wounds) It is- the death's head manticore.

Pycelle: (annoyed) Hmm- I've read a great deal about it. A horrible poison- usually Mantari in origin- (he prods at one of the decaying wounds with a metal instrument and flinches in disgust) Oh! There- There's nothing to be done-

Qyburn: Yes there is. (goes across the room to one of Pycelle's shelves, Cersei watches him)

Pycelle: (offended) May- May I ask what you think you're doing?

Qyburn: Saving him. (pulls down several vials and a very large hypodermic instrument)

Pycelle: (to Cersei) Your Grace, I wish it were otherwise, but Ser Gregor is beyond saving- Well, well beyond! This man is not even a maester, let alone Grandmaester!

Qyburn: (not looking up as he organizes his equipment) That's for the best- no maester knows how to save him.

Pycelle: (furious) That is exactly the sort of arrogance that had him expelled from the Citadel, Your Grace! His curiosity was deemed dangerous and unnatural- rightly so, in my opinion! (Cersei ignores him and approaches Qyburn)

Cersei Lannister: You're dismissed, Grandmaester. (Pycelle looks shocked)

Pycelle: Your Grace- this- this is my laboratory!

Cersei Lannister: Not anymore.

Pycelle: But, I- (beaten, he gives up, throws aside his instruments and shuffles out. Qyburn, meanwhile. has attached the hypodermic to Clegane's neck and is inserting fluids)

Cersei Lannister:...You can save him?

Qyburn: Difficult to say, Your Grace- but, if my past work is any guide, we stand a chance.

Cersei Lannister: Do everything you can- come to me, for anything you need.

Qyburn: Thank you, Your Grace. (Cersei turns to leave) You should know... the process may change him. (Cersei turns back towards him) Somewhat.

Cersei Lannister:...Will it weaken him?

Qyburn:(smiles, shakes his head) Ohhh, no.

Cersei Lannister: (smiles) Very well, then.

Tywin Lannister: We've been over this. The matter's closed. (putting away various papers)

Cersei Lannister: I'm opening it again.

Tywin Lannister: You were betrothed to Loras Tyrell. You are still betrothed to Loras Tyrell and you will marry Loras Tyrell, as soon as Tommen marries Margaery.

Cersei Lannister: I will not.

Tywin Lannister: (impatient) Jaime cannot marry, or inherit lands. Tyrion's sentence will be carried out tomorrow. (pause, turns to face her) You have, on several occasions, made great claims about your commitment to this family's future. Your role in that future is now more vital than it ever was-

Cersei Lannister: I don't care. I will stay in King's Landing where I belong, with my son the King.

Tywin Lannister: When you were nine years old, I was called away to the Capitol; I decided to take your brother with me, and not you. You insisted that you would not be left at Casterly Rock under any circumstances, and if you recall-

Cersei Lannister: I'm not interested in hearing another of your smug stories about the time you won. This isn't going to be one of those times. (gives him a frail smile)

Tywin Lannister: (dryly) Do you think you'll be the first person dragged into a sept to be married against her will? (walks past her)

Cersei Lannisterː When you marched into the Throne Room to tell me we'd won the Battle of Blackwater- Do you remember?! (Tywin stops and turns, reluctantly) I was sitting on the Iron Throne with Tommen. I was about to give him essence of nightshade, that's how far I was willing to go when I thought someone awful had come to take my son away. Someone awful is coming to take him away.

Tywin Lannister: No-

Cersei Lannister: Joffrey is dead, Myrcella has been sold like livestock, and now you want to ship me off to Highgarden and steal my boy, my last boy! Margarey will dig her claws in, you will dig your claws in, and you will fight over him like beasts until you rip him apart. I will burn our house to the ground before I let that happen!

Tywin Lannister: (dryly) And how will you do that?

Cersei Lannister:...I'll tell everyone the truth.

Tywin Lannister: What truth would that be?

Cersei Lannisterː (stares at him in amazement, then slowly smiles) You don't know, do you? You never believed it. How is that possible? (Tywin looks at her, puzzled and impatient; she comes towards him) What am I saying? Of course it's possible. How can someone so consumed by the idea of his family have any conception what his actual family was doing? (pause) We were right there, in front of you, and you didn't see us. One look in the past twenty years- one real look, and you would have known.

Tywin Lannister: Known what?

Cersei Lannister: (grins maliciously) Everything they say is true- about Jaime and me-

Tywin Lannister: (shakes his head angrily) No, no, no, no...

Cersei Lannister: (giggles) Your legacy is a lie-

Tywin Lannister: No, I don't believe you. (glares at her)

Cersei Lannister: Yes, you do. (walks away as Tywin stares after her, still reeling in denial)

[Jaime leafs through the Book of Brothers until he reaches his own very brief entry.]

Cersei Lannister: Jaime.

[Jaime looks up at his sister with a frown.]

Jaime Lannister: You won. One fewer brother. Must be proud of yourself. There's really nothing you wouldn't do, is there?

Cersei Lannister: For my family, no. Nothing. I would do things for my family you couldn't imagine.

Jaime Lannister: Tyrion is your family.

Cersei Lannister: He is not!

Jaime Lannister: You don't get to choose.

Cersei Lannister: I do, so do you! You can choose the creature that killed our mother to come into this world...

[An incredulous look quickly spreads across Jaime's face.]

Jaime Lannister: Are you really mad enough to blame him for that!? He didn't decide to kill her! He was an infant!

Cersei Lannister: Disease doesn't decide to kill you. All the same you cut it out before it spreads. [She walks toward him.] What do you decide? What do you choose?

Jaime Lannister: What I did to get back to you! To endure all that only to find you...

[Cersei kisses Jaime.]

Cersei Lannister: I choose you.

Jaime Lannister: Those are words.

Cersei Lannister: [Speaking into his ear.] Yes! Like the ones I just said to father.

[Cersei then looks Jaime in the eye.]

Cersei Lannister: I told him.

Jaime Lannister: Told him what?

Cersei Lannister: I told him about us.

Jaime Lannister: You told him...

Cersei Lannister: I told him I won't marry Loras Tyrell. I told him I'm staying right here with Tommen. With you.

Jaime Lannister: You think he'll just accept that?

Cersei Lannister: Go and ask him!

[She kisses him again.]

Jaime Lannister: What did you say?

Cersei Lannister: I don't want to talk about Tywin Lannister. I don't choose Tywin Lannister, I don't love Tywin Lannister, I love my brother. I love my lover. [She kneels before him.] People will whisper, they'll make their jokes. Let them! They're all so small, I can't even see them. I only see what matters.

[Cersei kisses Jaime's hand, and Jaime grabs her by the head and pulls her back so he can kiss her on the lips.]

Jaime Lannister: Someone will walk in.

Cersei Lannister: I don't care!

[Jaime shoves the Book aside and sets his sister on the table.]

[Bran, Hodor and Meera are led into the Heart Tree, escaping the dead, meeting what appears to be an old man]

Bran Starkː You're the three-eyed raven.

The Three-Eyed Ravenː I have been many things. Now, I am what you see.

Meera Reedː My brother...he led us to you, and now he -

The Three-Eyed Ravenː He knew what would happen. From the moment he left, he knew... and he went anyway.

Meera Reedː How do you know?

The Three-Eyed Ravenː I have been watching you. All of you. All of your lives. With a thousand eyes, and one. Now you come to me at last, Brandon Stark... though the hour is late.

Bran Starkː I didn't want anyone to die for me.

The Three-Eyed Ravenː He died so you could find what you have lost.

Bran Starkː You're going to help me walk again?

The Three-Eyed Ravenː You will never walk again. But you will fly.

[Arya sees Brienne and Podrick approach]

Arya: [to Sandor, who is off-screen] People coming. You can shit later, there's people coming.

Brienne: Morning.

Arya: Morning.

Brienne: I like your sword. Are we getting close to the Bloody Gate?

Arya: About ten more miles.

Brienne: You hear that, Podrick? Only ten more miles to the Bloody Gate.

Arya: Are you a knight?

Brienne: No.

Arya: But you know how to use that sword.

Brienne: I do.

Arya: Does it have a name?

Brienne: Oathkeeper.

Arya: Mine's Needle.

Brienne: Good name.

Arya: Who taught you how to fight?

Brienne: My father.

Arya: Mine never wanted to. Said fighting was for boys.

Brienne: Mine said the same. But I kept fighting the boys anyway, kept losing. Finally my father said, "If you're going to do it, you might as well do it right."

[Sandor emerges]

Brienne: Seven blessings. I'm Brienne of Tarth, this is Podrick Payne.

Sandor: You want something?

Podrick: That's Sandor Clegane. The Hound.

Brienne: [realizing] You're Arya Stark.

Sandor: I asked if you wanted something.

Brienne: I swore to your mother I would bring you home to her.

Arya: My mother's dead.

Brienne: I know. I wish I chould have been there to protect her.

Arya: You're not a Northerner.

Brienne: No, but I swore a sacred vow to protect her.

Arya: Why didn't you?

Brienne: She commanded me to bring Jaime Lannister back to King's Landing.

Sandor: You're paid by the Lannisters? You're here for the bounty on me?

Brienne: I'm not paid by the Lannisters.

Sandor: No? Fancy sword you got there. Where'd you get it? I've been looking at Lannister gold all my life. Go on, Brienne of fucking Tarth, tell me that's not Lannister gold.

Brienne: Jaime Lannister gave me this sword.

Arya: [now distrustful] The Bloody Gate is ten miles.

Brienne: I swore to your mother by the Old gods and the New-

Arya: I don't care what you swore.

Brienne: Arya!

Sandor: You heard the girl. She's not coming with you.

Brienne: She is.

[Sandor and Brienne draw swords]

Sandor: You're not a good listener. [eyes Oathkeeper] Valyrian steel. I always wanted some Valyrian steel.

Brienne: Come with me, Arya. I'll take you to safety.

Sandor: Safety?! Where the fuck's that? Her aunt in the Eyrie is dead, her mother's dead, her father's dead, her brother's dead, Winterfell is a pile of rubble. There is no safety, you dumb bitch. You don't know that by now, you're the wrong one to watch over her.

Brienne: That's what you're doing? Watching over her?

Sandor: Aye. That's what I'm doing.

[Arya finds the mortally-wounded Hound at the bottom of a ravine, after being defeated by Brienne]

Sandor Cleganeː Are you still here? [coughs up blood] Big bitch saved you.

Arya Starkː I don't need saving.

Sandor Cleganeː [sardonically] No, not you. You're a real killer, with your water-dancing and your Needle.

Arya Starkː [flatly] You going to die?

Sandor Cleganeː Unless there's a maester hiding behind that rock... aye. I'm done. I'd skin you alive for wine. [Arya reaches for her waterskin] Fuck waterǃ [chuckles] Killed by a woman. I bet you like that. Go on. Go after her. She'll help you. [Arya shakes her head] Going it alone, you won't last a day out there.

Arya Starkː I'll last longer than you.

Sandor Cleganeː You remember where the heart is? [Arya nods] Fuck it... I'm ready. Go on, girl. Another name off your list. You kept promising me... [Arya just stares at him] I cut down your butcher's boy, the ginger. He was begging for mercy. "Please, ser, please don't kill meǃ Pleaseǃ Pleaseǃ" Bled all over my horse. Saddle stunk of butcher's boy for weeks. And your sister, your pretty sister. I should've taken her, that night the Blackwater burned. I should've fucked her bloody. At least I'd have one happy memoryǃ [Arya does not react, continues to stare] Do I have to beg you? Do it. [voice breaking] Do it. Do itǃ [Arya stands and approaches him, hand on her swordhilt...but instead she kneels and takes his gold pouch] Kill me. Kill meǃ KILL MEǃ KILL MEǃǃǃ

[Hearing commotion outside his cell, Tyrion believes his executioners have come]

Tyrion Lannisterː Oh, get on with it, you son of a whore. [is surprised to see Jaime enter]

Jaime Lannisterː [amused] Is that any way to speak about our mother?

Tyrion Lannisterː What are you doing?

Jaime Lannisterː What do you think I'm doing? [leads Tyrion out of his cell] A galley's waiting in the bay bound for the Free Cities.

Tyrion Lannisterː Who's helping you?

Jaime Lannisterː Varys.

Tyrion Lannisterː [shocked] Varys?

Jaime Lannisterː You have more friends than you thought. [leads Tyrion to a stairwell] There's a locked door at the top of the stairs. Knock on it twice, then twice again. Varys will open.

Tyrion Lannisterː [quietly] I suppose this is good-bye, then. [Jaime kneels and embraces him, kissing his cheek]

Jaime Lannisterː Farewell, little brother. [he stands and turns to leave]

Tyrion Lannisterː Jaime. [Jaime turns back] Thank you for my life.

Jaime Lannisterː Quickly now. [leaves]

[Wielding Joffrey's crossbow, Tyrion confronts Tywin, disrobed in the privy in the Tower of the Hand]

Tywin Lannisterː [surprised] Tyrion. Put down the crossbow. [Tyrion stands firm] Who released you? Your brother, I expect. He always had a soft spot for you. Come, we'll go and talk in my chambers. [Tyrion holds up the crossbow as Tywin makes to stand] This is how you want to speak to me, hmm? Shaming your father has always given you pleasure.

Tyrion Lannisterː All my life you've wanted me dead.

Tywin Lannisterː [nodding] Yes. But you refused to die. I respect that. Even admire it. You fight for what's yours. I'd never let them execute you. Is that what you fear? I'd never let Ilyn Payne take your head. You're a Lannister. You're my son.

Tyrion Lannisterː [whispers] I loved her.

Tywin Lannisterː Who?

Tyrion Lannisterː Shae.

Tywin Lannisterː [disbelievingly] Oh, Tyrion. Put down that crossbow.

Tyrion Lannisterː I murdered her. With my own hands.

Tywin Lannisterː It doesn't matter.

Tyrion Lannisterː Doesn't matter?

Tywin Lannisterː She was a whore.

Tyrion Lannisterː [coldly] Say that word again...

Tywin Lannisterː And what? You'll kill your own father in the privy? No. You're my son. Now, enough of this nonsense.

Tyrion Lannisterː I am your son and you sentenced me to die. You knew I didn't poison Joffrey, but you sentenced me all the same. Why?

Tywin Lannisterː Enough. We'll go back to my chambers and speak with some dignity.

Tyrion Lannisterː I can't go back there. She's in there.

Tywin Lannisterː You're afraid of a dead whore? [Tyrion looses the crossbow bolt into Tywin's gut; Tywin grunts with pain as he is slammed back into the wall from the force; Tyrion calmly pulls the catch back] You shot me. [he groans in pain as he glares at Tyrion, who loads another bolt] You're no son of mine.

Tyrion Lannisterː I am your son. I have always been your son. [Tyrion fires another bolt into Tywin's chest, killing him]

[Arya approaches the crew of a ship]

Arya Stark: I want to see the captain.

Braavosi Captain: You're seeing him.

Arya Stark: I want to go North, to the Wall.

Braavosi Captain: No, you don't.

Arya Stark: I can pay.

Braavosi Captain: There is nothing in the North but ice, war, and pirates.

Arya Stark: I wouldn't need a cabin. Please! I can work, scrubbing the floors -

Braavosi Captain: I'm not going North, child, I'm going home.

Arya Stark: Where's home?

Braavosi Captain: The Free City of Braavos.

Arya Stark: [remembering something] Wait! I have something else!

Braavosi Captain: More silver won't make a difference.

Arya Stark: It's not silver. [shows the captain the coin that Jaqen H'ghar gave her] It's iron.

Braavosi Captain: This... [stunned] How did you -?

Arya Stark: Valar Morghulis.

Braavosi Captain: [bowing his head to her] Valar Dohaeris. Of course, you shall have a cabin.

Michael: What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

[cuts to Creed in an interview]

Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan: Kelly.

Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.

Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Michael: Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?

Jim: I would like to lose 65 pounds.

Michael: Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?

Angela: No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.

Michael: If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?

Jim: Cryogenics. Beer me five.

Michael: This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Meredith: [About Kelly] I like her nails.

Michael: Okay, be more specific.

Meredith: I like her finger nails.

Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!

Oscar: Exactly, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.

Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Andy: No, that's... not how it works.

Michael: I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Michael: I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.

Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through... delusion.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Michael: In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Holly: It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

Pam: [dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook.

Pam: [heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jim: Good one.

Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. Schindler's List parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.

Jim: Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.

Dwight: [Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.

Pam: Uh, yeah.

Dwight: Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.

Pam: I'm not going inside.

Dwight: Alright, first thing in the morning then.

Jim: [to Pam] Welcome back.

Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Michael: I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business; she's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.

Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.

Michael: Ho-oh!

Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.

Michael: Yeah.

Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...

Michael: I'll be six.

Andy: What's that smell?

Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.

Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.

Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.

Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?

Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?

Phyllis: Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Michael: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Michael: My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever... [In an interview] Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An Improversation.

Dwight: [Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!

Andy: I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!

Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!

Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?

Dwight: Last year, idiot.

Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.

Angela: I'm not voting.

Jim: No one cares.

Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.

Michael: That is true.

Dwight: Yes.

Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.

Dwight: Yeah.

Michael: Jan...Ryan.

[Dwight has started a fake fire in the office to test his coworkers's preparedness. Most of them are filing out of the office when Michael sees the smoke.]

Michael: OH, MY GOD! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm. Stay calm. STAY FUCKING CALM! EVERYBODY JUST FUCKING CALM DOWN!

Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Stanley: Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.

Oscar: I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?

Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.

Michael: Electricity.

Dwight: Shampoo.

Jim: [regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?

Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.

Jim: You okay?

Pam: Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.

Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.

Jim: Are you kidding?

Dwight: Well, I'm not done yet.

Jim: Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?

Dwight: They match the carpet.

Jim: What is that? [points to sign] "It is your birthday, period."

Dwight: It's a statement of fact.

Jim: Not even an exclamation point?

Dwight: This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!

Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.

Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.

Jim: Didn't see that one coming.

Kelly: I'm too excited to sleep!

Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...

Michael: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith: She could be your soul mate.

Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Dwight: Knock, knock.

Michael: Who's there?

Dwight: The KGB.

Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Dwight: VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!

. . .

Jim: Ding dong.

Michael: Who's there?

Jim: The KGB.

Michael: ...Dwight, get the door.

Dwight: I'm not answering the door.

Michael: Answer the door.

Dwight: I'm not answering it.

Jim: Ding dong.

Dwight: No way, its the KGB.

Jim: Ding dong, ding dong.

Dwight: I'm not gonna answer it.

Jim: [slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!

Dwight: ...It's true.

Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.

Lynn: Okay.

Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.

Lynn: Okay.

Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.

Michael: This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.

Andy: Hey-oh!

Charles: No, it is not.

Michael: No, it is not.

Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Charles: Okay, Michael.

Michael: Okay, Michael.

Charles: No, seriously.

Michael: No, seriously.

Charles: How old are you?

Michael: How old are you?

[cuts to Pam in an interview]

Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?

Michael: Stanley!

Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?

Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.

Stanley: No.

Michael: Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...

Stanley: No.

Michael: You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.

Stanley: No I didn't.

Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Bowling Alley Employee: [to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!

Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Michael: Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Dwight: You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!

Michael: Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.

Dwight: And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

Michael: [tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."

Michael: I have no shortage of company names.

David Wallace: Michael...

Michael: That's one of them.

Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.

Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.

Creed: I thought you were gay.

Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?

Creed: I don't know.

Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.

Jim: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."

Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.

Michael: I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.

Michael: I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Andy: You OK, boss?

Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.

Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?

Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.

Andy: Oooh.

Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.

Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.

Leslie: No.

Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up on stuff.

Leslie: Thanks.

Andy: That's what makes you...

Leslie: Nope.

Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it.

Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.

Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a child size soda?

Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child were liquified. It's a real bargain at $1.59.

Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.

Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week.

Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.

Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.

Ben: (on phone with Leslie) I love you.

Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing?

Ben: I can't do that right now.

(Leslie laughs)

Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.

Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.

Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.

Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.

Ben: Marry me?

Leslie: Oh, yeah!

Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No one can bring my parents together.

Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!

Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/

Leslie: We're getting married!

Ben: All right.

Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come up in my police work

Ben: Just call me, Municipal Bond

Ron: I started working on something very important. Can you help me?

Chris: Yes sir.

Ron: (To the camera) Its a flight of stairs leading nowhere.

Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton.

Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!

Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas!

Ron: What?

Tom: It's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're not flattering to my hands!

Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!

Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place

Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!

Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.

April: You know what? I think men are better than women.

Leslie: She's kidding

April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters.

Andy: You are officially a baller.

Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.

Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here.

Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.

Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. [Ann's mouth is open] What?!

Ann: Did you just say you love Diane?

Ron: No. I did not.

Ann: Yes, you did! That is so cute!

Ron: For god's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem?

Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me.

Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?

Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark secret.

Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.

Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.

Ben: That's nonsense.

April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.

Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.

Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.

Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.

Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them.

Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which is bad.

Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller.

Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.

Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons.

Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.

Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country.

I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.

Leslie: How did you get the word out?

Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.

Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever.

Donna: Did you just pee your pants?

Jerry: Just a dab.

Donna: You nasty Jerry.

Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.

Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to Game of Thrones."

Tom: Nooooo... Jerry!

Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is crooked] How's it looks.

Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth.

Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.

Chris: I have something for you.

Ben: All right.

Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.

Ben: [quietly] No way.

Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.

Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.

Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]

Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.

Ron: People who buy things are suckers.

Leslie: Ah, who am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!

Ron: I wish this office was just walls.

Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing everything I say.

April: So what, I have to be your slave or something?

Ann: No, you have to be my friend

April: Ugh, that's so much worse.

Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly.

Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest.

Donna: Who were you competing against?

Chris: My own taste buds.

Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk

Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square

April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.

April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger.

Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?

Ron: One.

Ann: That's it? One drink?

Ron: One shelf.

Ann: Do you exercise?

Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.

Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family

Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.

Ann: Allergies?

Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man...and hazelnuts

Ann: Sexual History?

Ron: Epic and Private

Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.

Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.

Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.

April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?

Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.

Leslie: Get out.

Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]

Chris: I liked him.

Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion bottles]

April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.

Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

April: [smiles] Really? Thanks.

Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.

Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods?

Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.

Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.

Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.

Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I love you.

Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.

Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.

Ann: What- no!

Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.

Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?

Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. [pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.

Ann: This is why we don't hang out.

Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.

Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.

Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What kind of name is that?

Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?

Ann: No, do you?

Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! Everyone on that show can get it!

April: My spirit blood is on your hands.

Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad.

Ron: No

Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is like a giant puppy with no shame.

Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.


	35. Chapter 35 The Trailer Flash

My name is Barry Allen. And I am the fastest man alive. To the outside world I am an ordinary forensic scientist, but secretly with the help of my friends at S.T.A.R. Labs I fight crime and find other metahumans like me. I hunted down the man who killed my mother, but in doing so I opened up our world to new threats, and I am the only one fast enough to stop them. I am the Flash.

The Man Who Saved Central City [2.01][edit]

Iris: Yeah, but he should go. Someone should try to get through to him.

Joe: Maybe his best friend?

Cisco: Joe, believe me. I have tried!

Joe: I meant her.

Cisco: You expecting trouble?

Joe: Cops always expect trouble. In this city, I expect super evil flying monsters.

Cisco: That's a solid expectation.

Iris: If you keep getting no for an ANSWER, stop asking questions.

Joe: I say that! You're quoting "me" to me?

Iris: What can I say? You're a very smart man.

Stein: That's where you'll find your Atom Smasher!

[Iris and Cisco LOOK at Stein]

Stein: Because he absorbs atomic power. And he... well... smashes.

Cisco: Come here. [Hugs Dr. Stein] That's a great name. Welcome to the team.

Henry: Do you think... can you be all that you are becoming with me HERE?

Barry: You're the only family I have left.

Henry: Well, that's not really true. Don't you have another family in this room? They need your help, too, Barry. When you need me, I will be here. But right now Central City doesn't need you to be Henry Allen's son, it needs you to be The Flash. My Kid, the superhero. I have to go. I need you to tell me that it's OK.

Flash of Two Worlds [2.02][edit]

Jay Garrick: They belong to a metahuman I fought before named Sand Demon.

Cisco: I know you're new here, so I'm just gonna break it down for you. The whole "naming-the-bad-guys" thing? That's my jam. But you know what? I'm gonna let you have that one. Because I ACTUALLY kinda like it. I'm not mad at that one.

Barry: How's it going with Joe? Any closer to cracking his "No" code?

Officer Patty Spivot: Are you kidding me? He's like the permission sphinx. Or like a magic 8-ball with just one ANSWER. Or like, you know, the bridge-keeper protecting the Holy Grail...

Barry: [mimicking the gatekeeper from the movie] What is your quest?

Patty: [mimicking Sir Lancelot] Oh, to join your task force.

Barry: No.

Barry and Patty: Aaaaaah!

Iris: Not everyone is Harrison Wells. Besides, you defeated him because you trusted in people, because you believed in them. This team that you have here? They will follow your lead. They will do what you say. But if they think that you don't believe in them, it won't be long before they don't believe in you.

Cisco: SOMETHING'S happening to me. I'm starting to perceive things. Horrible things. It started after Wells killed me in the other timeline. It came back when Atom-Smasher attacked on Flash Day and then again when Sand Demon showed up. I get a vibe and then a vision of something that's already happened... and then it's gone.

Jay: So, I hear they call you the Scarlet Speedster.

Barry: Yeah. What about you?

Jay: Crimson Comet. What is it with alliteration and nicknames?

Family of Rogues [2.03][edit]

Jay: It's good to know, whatever Earth you go to, there's a Big BELLY Burger.

Caitlin: Being a superhero isn't always about how fast you can run. It's about helping however you can, wherever you're needed most. I think Jay Garrick, physicist, has just as much to contribute as Jay Garrick, superhero. Maybe more.

Caitlin: You and your entire family are criminals. Why should we trust anything you say?

Lisa: [reveals scar] I didn't get this scar being a criminal... I got it being a daughter.

Joe: When I still a beat cop, me and my partner were on patrol, and dispatch came on the radio. A little girl had called in. She said her mom had taken some pills and she wouldn't wake up. The little girl gave the address. The address was mine.

[Snart shoots his father with the cold gun]

Barry: Lisa was safe. Why did you do that?

Snart: He broke my sister's heart. Only fair I break his.

The Fury of Firestorm [2.04][edit]

Barry: Everyone secretly thinks they've figured out what their life is gonna be like. But what no one ever considers is that life has its own plans for you, whether you like them or not. And so you're left with a choice. You can either embrace the change and move forward. Or fight it and be left behind.

Cisco: [about finding someone to merge with Stein] So how do we do that? Are we gonna make a Tinder app for potential meta-humans? Because I'm pretty sure merging with Stein and randomly bursting into flames sounds like the biggest swipe left of all times.

Stein: Well, I must admit I never imagined the Sphinx's riddle of a man requiring three legs would ever apply to me, but if this device keeps me mobile then I will gratefully oblige.

Joe: You've known Iris since you were 10. You've been in love with her since forever. I mean you two are friends now, but she was your first love. You're never gonna feel the same about anybody else. But you can't let that stop you from exploring something new.

Barry: Things aren't always what they seem. Our fears can play tricks on us, making us afraid to change course. Afraid to move on. But usually hidden behind our fears are second chances, waiting to be seized. Second chances at life. At glory. At family. At love. And these opportunities don't come around every day. So when they do we have to be brave, take a chance and grab them while we can.

The Darkness and the Light [2.05][edit]

Wells: Her name is Doctor Light. Small-time thief on my Earth until exposure to the dark matter from the Particle Accelerator and became a meta-human with the ability to derive power from starlight.

Cisco: Oh, very cool.

Wells: Stars having a temperature of 5,300 degree Kelvin and a blinding luminosity, I would say, "Not very cool at all."

Cisco: You know, our Dr. Wells may have been evil, but you're just a dick.

Joe: How is he still alive? How are you still alive?

Wells: I don't know, because you missed?

Barry: Hey, I'm trying to keep him from shooting you. You're not helping.

Wells: You cannot reason with someone under Zoom's influence, and now a man is dead because of you, Garrick. This whole thing is because of you. He doubts himself because of you, but believe me, Barry can do what you could not. Barry can stop Zoom.

Jay: I spent two years hunting Zoom.

Wells: Wrong! Zoom hunted you! You spent the last two years of your life running, running, running from Zoom.

Jay: Zoom would have killed me just like he will kill Barry if you lead him down this path!

Wells: No, because he is not like you. Barry runs towards danger, not from it, because Barry's not a coward.

Caitlin: You have coffee on your Earth, right?

Jay: I think coffee's the one constant thing in the multiverse.

Barry: We do what Dr. Wells said. We use her to lure Zoom here, end this once and for all.

Jay: You can't be serious.

Barry: More breachers are gonna come. More innocent people may die. I can't let this happen anymore.

Jay: You're making a mistake. Okay, Zoom is a nightmare you can't wake up from.

Barry: I've already had my worst nightmare. His name was Reverse-Flash, and I spent a long time being afraid of him. I'm not gonna be afraid anymore.

Enter Zoom [2.06][edit]

Wells: Before I left Earth-2, I worked on a serum to dampen Zoom's speed. All we would need is for Ramon for a weapon to deliver it.

Caitlin: Oh, great, that could be this year's cold gun. Maybe another criminal can get it, and then we would have Sergeant Slow.

Cisco: I would never let that happen. Sergeant Slow is a terrible name.

Barry: Aren't you the one who told me life isn't about playing defense, sometimes the only way to succeed is by working the offense?

Joe: I think at the time we were talking about your high school football tryouts.

Barry: You said you'd never bring that up again.

Barry: What do you want from me?

Zoom: Everything.

Barry: You want to beat me? Is that it? You want to be a hero?

Zoom: Heroes die.

Barry: Only if you can catch them.

Zoom: Look at your hero. This man is no god. He is nothing!

Zoom: Harrison Wells, you thought you could defeat me with this?

Wells: I made a mistake.

Zoom: Yes, a costly one. Goodbye, Flash. You, too, weren't fast enough.

Gorilla Warfare [2.07][edit]

Henry: Sometimes you just have to slow down to get back to where you want to be.

Joe: Yeah, well, we need to do something about Grodd.

Caitlin: Like what?

Joe: Like get rid of him for good.

Caitlin: You want to kill him?

Joe: Considering how many people he's killed, yeah.

Caitlin: This isn't Grodd's fault. He's only like this because Wells made him this way.

Barry: Yes, but, Catlin, he kidnapped you and you could have died.

Caitlin: You didn't see what I saw. Grodd's getting smarter. He's lonely and sad. He wants more apes like him.

Cisco: What are you saying? He wants kids? 'Cause I'm pretty sure one telepathic Grape Ape is more than enough for this city.

Iris: Well, he may not have his mother, but he's got two amazing fathers. Seemed like he needed both.

Barry: Zoom destroyed me. He showed everyone in Central City what he could do and that I'm powerless to stop him. They gave me the key to the city, Joe. I'm supposed to be their hero. I'm supposed to be the guy who can protect them from something as evil as that, and I failed. In front of all of them! When they see The Flash, all they see now is someone not strong enough to protect them.

Cisco: Oh snap! Meta-human attack! Nope. Nope, my bad. That is just an alert. For me.

Iris: For what?

Cisco: Oh. It's just a reminder. I have a date in an hour. So.

Legends of Today [2.08][edit]

Cisco: Hey, man, this place is closed.

Vandal Savage: You are just as beautiful in this life as any other, Priestess Chay-Ara.

Kendra Saunders: Priestess?

Cisco: Uh, you have to go, dude.

Savage: Not without her. Dude.

Felicity: "Felicity, the magnetic-arrow gag will never work." Yes, it will, my love, because I am really smart. And guess what, Oliver? It did work.

Oliver: [over the radio] Felicity, honey, it's a little hard to fight with you doing that in my ear.

Felicity: Oh, I totally forgot that this is an open line. Keep doing what you're doing. Make smart decisions.

Barry: Wow. Nice new digs. Also, I just noticed, no sleeves. Don't you get... cold?

Oliver: I spent the better part of five years on an island in the North China Sea. I don't get cold, Barry.

Felicity: Barry. So good to see you.

Barry: Felicity. [they hug] Oh. Good to see you, Felicity.

Felicity: [slugs Barry] How come you didn't tell me Zoom broke your back? [hugs Barry] Oh. I'm so glad you're okay.

Barry: So this is what it's like dating her?

Oliver: More bruises from her than from Deathstroke.

Kendra: Okay. S.T.A.R. Labs is impressive, but this is...

Cisco: This is completely wrong!

Felicity: Hmm?

Cisco: Did you guys even look at the specs I sent over? This is a tragedy. I'm mourning for the death of engineering. Copper. Wiring. To handle the processing speed from the Palmer satellite, or else your system is gonna overload.

Felicity: Yeah, but that hasn't happened. I mean, it hasn't happened since last week. I mean, it didn't... it happened yesterday.

Thea Queen: I'm not changing my nickname. I like Speedy.

Cisco: Are you familiar with my body of work? If you are, then you know I can come up with something so much better than Speedy.

Thea: Why don't you get a haircut and then maybe we can talk about it.

Cisco: I think you're just mad because my conditioner game is on point.

Barry: Hey, Ollie, um... look, I'm sorry that I laid all this on you. I know that it wasn't fair...

Oliver: That's okay. And I'm sorry if earlier I was a little -

Barry: Snippy?

Oliver: I have been called worse. No, but I'm glad that you're here, I'm glad you reached out. It shows a real maturity. And I would know that, because I've never been that mature. [Barry laughs at that.] Well, I'm always here for you.

Barry: Thank you. I gotta say, this isn't the same Arrow team I'm used to seeing, or the same Oliver Queen. You seem really...

Oliver: Happy?

Barry: Happy, yeah.

Oliver: I am happy. I finally have everything that I've ever wanted. Being with Felicity has given me a real sense of peace. Something that I haven't had in a long time.

Barry: Didn't you tell me that guys like us don't get the girl?

Oliver: Yep... I was wrong. [Departs quickly as Barry chuckles at Oliver's admission.]

Story continues in Arrow [4.08] "Legends of Yesterday"

Running to Stand Still [2.09][edit]

Iris: I know I was so mad at you and my dad for not telling me that you were The Flash, but when I found out about this, I didn't know what to do.

Barry: What? What's going on?

Iris: When Francine came back, my dad told me not to trust her, and he was right. I didn't know how much. When my mother left us, she was pregnant. She had a son. Joe's son, my brother.

Barry: What's his name?

Iris: Wally. Wally West.

Snart: Cocoa isn't cocoa without the mini marshmallows, and you're out. I checked.

[later]

Snart: Sorry, I'm not interested in being a hero.

Barry: You're doing a lousy job of being a villain this week.

Snart: Merry Christmas, Barry.

Barry: So the last time Mardon attacked, he generated a tidal wave that destroyed all of Central City.

Wells: So why are you not all sleeping with the fishes?

Cisco: Earth 2 has The Godfather?

Wells: Every Earth has The Godfather, Vito.

Wells: Your toys. Give them to me.

[From another room, Barry observes the Earth-2 Harrison Wells inside his lab.]

Barry: I know that you're not him [Eobard Thawne/"Harrison Wells"]. But he's not here and I have to say this. For me. In that video message, you said that... that I would never really be happy. And I've been trying, I've been trying really hard. After what Joe said, I'm with Patty... I realize that you are still in my heart. How much I hate you. For what you've done. [starts to get emotional] I don't wanna hate you anymore. I can't. I can't hate you anymore. I forgive you.

Potential Energy [2.10][edit]

Cisco: What is this?

Wells: Wrong answers.

Cisco: Maybe you're asking the wrong questions.

Captain Singh: Your Pops here is a hell of a detective.

Wally West: Obviously not.

Cisco: [about Patty] I will say, she put bullets in King Shark and Harry. So as far as I'm concerned that's Team Flash material for me.

Barry: Who is the Turtle?

Caitlin: It's Cisco's white whale.

Jay: Half whale, half turtle.

Wells: "Turtle". Why do you insist on giving them ridiculous nicknames?

Cisco: Me? Who's the genius who came up with "Zoom"?

Wells: Yeah, well... I'll tell you. About two years ago, this is on Earth-2 now... The CCPD there, they got a 911 call about a hostage situation. But when the SWAT team got there, there were no hostages. It was a trap. Zoom set a trap. In order to show the police that they could not stop him. And he killed fourteen officers. Men and women. Slaughtered them. Left one alive to tell what happened. That officer described "blue lightning zooming all about" as his comrades... brothers and sisters-in-arms... were murdered. That officer... considered himself to be the lucky one. Spared in order to tell the tale. Until Zoom went to his house that night and killed him, too. And that's how he got the nickname "Zoom".

The Reverse-Flash Returns [2.11][edit]

Barry: [voice over] There are many reasons why we run, but usually it's to avoid what's right in front of us. A decision to be made or a dilemma we have to face. Lately, for me, it feels like running is all I've been doing.

Cisco: Are you telling me I can see the future?

Wells: That's exactly what I'm telling you.

Cisco: Those goggles are getting named. Immediately.

Iris: Last year, my fiancé died. Unexpectedly. One moment he was here, the next gone. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him, to tell him everything that he meant to me. That he was my world. That he was loved. But today I got to say goodbye to your mom. My mom. And it helped us both find peace with what happened with our family. Wally, don't make a mistake you're going to regret the rest of your life. Go see your mom. While you still can.

Patty: Admit to me you're the Flash and I'll stay.

Barry: I can't do that. I'm not him.

Patty: [choking up] That's too bad, it would have been nice to stay. Fight crime during the... day, and be with... you at night. But I was... I was wrong. Take care, Barry.

Eobard Thawne: We'll meet again soon, Flash.

The Flash: I know. And every time, I'll be ready for you.

Fast Lane [2.12][edit]

Barry: [voice over] There's this song lyric I like: All the broken hearts in the world still beat. Mine's beating, but bruised. Hopefully not for long. The one thing I do know is time changes everything.

Cisco: Who's the best hacker in the world, people?

Barry and Caitlin: [together] Felicity Smoak.

Cisco: What is wrong with you two? That's not friendship.

Barry: [about Wally] Yeah, but he just found the best dad he could wish for.

Joe: Oh, you say that now, you didn't always think that.

Barry: Well, you were pretty strict. That's for sure. But strict isn't always a bad thing, especially when you know it's coming from love.

Cisco: So, you can sync up all social media postings on all meta-human activity. Somebody sees something cray in Central City, I get an alert about it.

Barry: Yo, man, you have too much time on your hands.

Cisco: Oh, I thought you were gonna say it was cool... I'm just saying, you can't judge me. Didn't your girlfriend just break up with you?

Barry: Again?

Cisco: Pretty sure she just did.

Barry: Hey, Harry... Wait, so if that app gives you eyes and ears all over the city, then why won't you use it to find the next Miss Right?

Cisco: [realizing] Did I just make the metahuman Tinder?

Barry: Mm-hmm.

Cisco: Nope. Not staring that fetish.

Joe: You have people that sit up at night worried sick about you, and they're not going to stop worrying about you. That's what a family does. They put up with each other and they put up each other first, before ourselves.

Wally: So you're not mad at me?

Joe: For being reckless with your life? Yeah, hell yeah, I'm mad at you. But I'm more mad at myself for being something I'm not. I'm not your friend, Wally. I'm your father. I ain't letting you go.

Welcome to Earth-2 [2.13][edit]

[Barry and Cisco take a selfie in front of the Earth-2 S.T.A.R. Laboratories sign.]

Wells: Ramon.

Cisco: What?

Wells: Not a sightseeing tour.

Cisco: Speak for yourself. We want our grandkids to know we did cool stuff.

Barry: Caitlin.

Killer Frost: I haven't heard that name in a long time.

Barry: But that is your name, isn't it? Your real name? Please, look... I know you. Don't do this.

Killer Frost: If you know me at all, you would know that I hate the name Caitlin. I'm Killer Frost.

Cisco: Ronnie. Is Martin Stein in there?

Deathstorm: Oh, I haven't let him out in years. Doesn't talk much any more.

Cisco: Who the hell are you?

Reverb: [steps out of the shadows] Well, that's funny. I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

Cisco: Dopple...

Reverb: Ganger.

Cisco: Oh, I knew there was another me here.

Reverb: And I knew you were coming, Cisco. Even before you went to the breach and set foot on this world. See, we are all connected... Francisco.

Cisco: The name is Vibe.

Reverb: Reverb.

Cisco: Actually not the worst name you could've come up with, but not the best.

Escape from Earth-2 [2.14][edit]

Zoom: I know you're here, Harrison Wells. You did not come alone. You can try to hide, but I'm the fastest man alive. I will scour this city until I hunt you down. And when I do, all of you will feel my wrath.

Killer Frost: You really don't know how to use your abilities, do you, Breecher?

Cisco: It's a work in progress, Elsa.

Earth-2 Barry: Are you serious? You want us to, what, just... climb to the top of those cliffs? On ice? [chuckles nervously]

Killer Frost: You got any better ideas?

Earth-2 Barry: No. Ma'am. I'm just, you know... I, I've got... you know, I'm wearing wing tips here. Don't have much tread.

Earth-2 Barry: [to Earth-1 Barry] Do you know what we did to get here, Barry? We convinced her, Killer Frost, to show us the way. Then we climbed some insanely steep cliffs outside, on footholds made of ice. Ice! And all of us risked our lives, knowing Zoom was after us, to rescue Jesse and you. No. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But, I can tell you that today I... I did things that I never thought possible. Because I needed to prove to my wife, and to myself, that I could. And if I can do the impossible today, so can you. I'm just Barry Allen. But you're the Flash.

Barry: [to Earth-2 Barry] You may not have been struck by lightning over here like I was, but today you risked your life to save somebody you didn't even know. That's a hero, Barry.

King Shark [2.15][edit]

Barry: So that's what we did. We didn't talk about Earth-2. We kept what happened there between the three of us and got on with our lives knowing there was nothing we could do now to stop Zoom. Instead, we tried to just adjust to our new circumstances and cope with our losses. Jay's death took its toll, left scars on all of us. Some more than others. And so to try and keep my mind of thoughts off this surreal other life I'd experienced that wasn't my own, I kept running, waiting for some other meta-human threat to rear its ugly head and distract me from the frustration I was feeling. And as fate would have it, I did not have to wait long.

Cisco: We're going to need a bigger Flash.

Diggle: You're starting to do that thing Oliver does, Barry, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Gotta stop that, man. it'll slow you down.

Joe: I don't suppose my home owner's insurance covers a Sharknado attack.

Wally: I don't understand you people. Jaws busts through here like the Kool-Aid Man, The Flash shows up, and y'all act like it's no big deal.

Iris: Yeah, we've had a lot of weird things happen in Central City over the past two years.

Wally: Weirder than a talking shark wearing pants?

Diggle: Look, Barry, when I was in Afghanistan, I lost a lot of friends. Brothers. So losing Jay, I know what that feels like. You question yourself. Blame yourself for his death. And that guilt, it can tear you apart. Trust me, man, you got to get control of it. Or it'll rip you up inside. Use this, man. Let it guide you. So it never happens again.

Trajectory [2.16][edit]

Wells: Fine. But if you're gonna go, you should take protection.

Jesse: [stammering] Oh. uh... Dad, I don't need... I don't know what you thought I was going to be doing, but I...

[Wells puts his metahuman detection watch on Jesse's wrist.]

Jesse: Oh. Right. I mean, is it necessary? It's kinda, you know...

Wells: Or I could always build you an inescapable daughter cube.

Jesse: Funny. You know I'd get out, though, right?

Cisco: "Bad Flash"? What? No. I'm losing my touch already.

Cisco: A lady speedster. It only took us two years, but we finally got one. A lady speedster. Hey, here's a question for you. Purely scientific. Was she good looking?

Barry: Yeah, I was a little busy getting my ass handed to me, so I didn't really notice.

Cisco: Right, right, right. But you know, next time. For science.

Barry: Okay, yeah. Next time she punches me in the face, I'll be sure to get her number.

Cisco: There you go.

Barry: If the game is already rigged, why can't I level the playing field? I mean, if everybody else is cheating, how can... I want to be fast enough to stop Zoom and any speedster that tries to hurt my friends. Shouldn't I use everything in my power to do that?

Wells: You want to take a shortcut? Is that right, you want to take a shortcut? Remember this: you'll lose a chunk of your humanity every time you compromise your values.

Barry: [scoffs] I'm sorry, that's really good coming from you.

Wells: So don't be like me. Be better. [turns and walks off] Be like Jay

Iris: Not every hero is a fraud. It's okay to believe in them.

Flash Back [2.17][edit]

Wally: [discussing an engineering project] Well, I really like to read the journals of the classic engineers. So, their engine designs and how they increased horsepower... learn from the best, I guess.

Barry: You read their journals?

Wally: I mean, it's not like I can just go and talk to Enzo Ferrari or Ferdinand Porsche 'cause... they dead. But, you know, doesn't mean they still can't teach me.

Barry: I didn't know what it was. I thought it was some sort of illusion. I don't know.

Caitlin: Okay, we need to find it before it hurts somebody.

Barry: Can you track it?

Cisco: What is it with you guys? It's like you think I have ESP or something. I can't just magically sense where things are.

[Past-Barry has reappeared and is confronting Barry in front of Team Flash.]

Cisco: Wait a second, how do we know which one's the real Barry?

Past-Barry: Dude. Okay, I've watched Wrath of Khan with you, like, five times.

Cisco: [pointing to Barry] Imposter!

Barry: Yeah. And every time at the end, you turn to me and you say "I have been and always shall be your friend".

Cisco: [pointing to Past-Barry] Ah ha! You imposter! [looks at both Barrys, confused] What is going on here?

Hartley: Well, as always, been a pleasure working with you all on this little project. If you need anything in the future, call me. I'm off to a late dinner.

Caitlin: Hmm, dinner. Anyone special?

Hartley: Very. My parents

Barry: [voice-over] Sometimes the only way to move forward is revisit the things in your past that were holding you back. You have to deal with them head-on, no matter how scary they may be. Because once you do, you'll see that you can go further than you've ever imagined.

Versus Zoom [2.18][edit]

Barry: Sometimes terrible things happen to us when we're children. Things that can define who we become, whether we want them to or not. Some of us become stronger. The people who took me in helped me heal and move past everything that happened. They are responsible for who I've become today. But I know that I'm one of the lucky ones. Not everyone gets that kind of support. Without it, I don't know where I would've ended up. Or what I could've become.

Cisco: It's like right now I'm Anakin Skywalker. I got the midi-chlorians. I've got the goods. The force is strong with me. That is something I can feel. But if I start opening breaches into other worlds, doing all this other crazy stuff Reverb was doing, then... what if this how I become Vader?

Barry: Dude, you're never going to become Vader.

Cisco: That is what happened to Reverb. He learned how to use his abilities, and when he felt that... when he felt that power... he succumbed. To the dark side.

Barry: Look, I get it. I really do. Every time I've learned a new ability, I've been terrified about what it might mean for me. What it could do to me, you know? But you were there with me when I learned how to run on water. When I ran up a building or travelled through time. Just like I'm gonna be there every step of the way with you. You got something that Reverb never had, and that's Caitlin and Joe and Iris and Wells and me. Friends. We're gonna look out for you. And we're more than just friends, we're your family.

[Wells gives Joe an advanced rifle.]

Joe: How do you use this?

Wells: Make sure you aim it, and then you pull the trigger.

Joe: Smart ass.

[Using images of Zoom's parents, Barry is able to capture and unmask him]

Hunter Zolomon: How'd you figure out who I was?

Barry: You made a mistake: you told Caitlin who your doppelgänger was.

Zolomon: I had to do something to get her to stop trying to ... fix me. She's a smart girl. [pause] And that I was Zoom?

Barry: The Velocity-9. When you run fast enough, it turns a speedster's lightning blue. We would've helped you. We would've done anything we could to save your life.

Zolomon: Not everything.

Barry: Caitlin found you a cure!

Zolomon: A temporary one! I'm dying, Barry! There's only one thing that can get me what I need!

Barry: And you just don't care; how many lives you've destroyed trying to get it? How many people you kill?!

Zolomon: No, I don't! That feeling was taken from me a long time ago. [longer pause] We're not so different, you know. What happened to us when we were kids; you could've just as easily become me.

Barry: No. I'd never become like you.

Zolomon: I gotta say, that was smart, using my parents against me. Ah, family: it's such a weakness.

Barry: Not for all of us.

Zolomon: Well, that's where you're wrong. It's time I get what I came for.

Barry: [chuckles] You're not getting anything from me. You're not getting anything from anybody ever again, on any Earth.

Zolomon: [quietly] You can't lock up the darkness.

Barry: What did you just say?

[Zolomon's eyes turn black, and his voice becomes deep and demonic]

Zolomon: You can't lock up the darkness.

Joe: Why the charade? Running around dressed like the Flash?

Zolomon: To give people hope, detective.

Joe: Hope?

Zolomon: So I can rip it away from them. It's so fun pretending to be a hero.

Caitlin: You are no hero. You're nothing but a monster.

Back to Normal [2.19][edit]

Killer Frost: [upon seeing Caitlin] Well, hello, doppelganger of mine. What do you know? I can still pull off brunette.

Cisco: Without Caitlin here, I can't really analyze the cells on a molecular level to see what we're dealing with here.

Jesse: You know, I might actually be able to help.

Cisco: How?

Jesse: Bio-chem was one of my majors in college.

Barry: One of your majors? How many did you have?

Jesse: Five. [off everyone's reaction] What, is that not common here?

Iris: Girl, no, that is not common anywhere.

Caitlin: You got hit by the dark matter from the particle accelerator explosion?

Killer Frost: Yes. Right after I flunked out of med school. Had to move back in with my mother

Caitlin: That couldn't have been fun. If... she's anything like mine, I mean.

Killer Frost: Why? Is yours a frigid narcissist, too?

Caitlin: Cold as ice.

Killer Frost: Yeah. Mom was like that ever since Charlie died.

Caitlin: Who's Charlie?

Killer Frost: My brother.

Caitlin: I never had a brother.

Killer Frost: No? Then why was Mom such a bitch on your Earth?

Caitlin: Honestly, I couldn't say.

Cisco: Why is it that bad guys always insist on having the creepiest hideouts?

Joe: Because they crazy.

Jesse: I'm the reason you killed that man. And that's a really heavy burden to bear.

Wells: I know. I know. I also know that what I've done, it's unforgivable. When your mother died, honey... something inside me broke. I couldn't protect her. And I... I swore... I swore on her grave, no less, that I would protect you, and then Zoom took you, and I snapped. I just snapped. I couldn't breathe, I... I couldn't lose the only other person that I love.

Rupture [2.20][edit]

Cisco: [talking to himself while controlling a holographic Flash] All right, Cisco. This is where all those countless hours gaming in your basement are about to pay off. Fingers, don't fail me now.

Henry: I've watched you grow ever since you became the Flash, and I am so proud of that man. But ask yourself: do you really need powers in order to be that person?

Barry: Let's do it. I want to do it. One of the cops that Zoom killed tonight, he had a son. Same age I was when Mom was murdered. And now, another kid has to grow up without one of their parents because The Flash wasn't there to stop that monster. I left this city unprotected by giving up my powers to Zoom. I enabled him to rule this Earth. I need my powers back. Let's do it. Let's set off the particle accelerator.

Wells: Well, Ramon, you have the wand?

Cisco: The one I made for Mark Mardon?

Wells: No, the one you built for the Harry Potter convention. Yes, of course, the one you built for Mardon.

Cisco: How do you know about the Harry Potter convention?

Zoom: [holding up the destroyed Flash costume] You thought you could give the Flash his speed back? Well done. You killed him instead.

The Runaway Dinosaur [2.21][edit]

Barry: So you're saying I'm talking to the source of my power, which just so happens to look like my adoptive dad. That's trippy.

Speed Force Joe: [chuckles] We pretty much invented "trippy" here.

Speed Force Iris: We thought you'd find this place and our appearance less upsetting. Yet you seem upset.

Barry: My friends, my city... my whole world is in danger. Zoom is on a rampage with the power that he stole from me, and you are keeping me here.

Speed Force Iris: You were given a rare and precious gift. And you rejected it.

Barry: No, I did not reject it. I gave up my powers to save someone's life. To be a hero. I nearly killed myself trying to get them back when you brought me here, wherever here is.

Speed Force Iris: That's not what we meant.

Barry: Look, if you would rather have given these powers to somebody else, why did you give them to me?

Speed Force Iris: Because you're the Flash, Barry.

Joe: How are you feeling?

Wally: Tired, but fine, I guess.

Joe: So you don't notice anything different?

Wally: Uh, no.

Joe: I mean, I want you to know you can come and talk to me if you're scared or... you have questions about how your body's changing.

Wally: I think you're a little late for the puberty talk, Dad. I've seen the Internet.

Speed Force Nora Allen: [reading "The Runaway Dinosaur"]

Once there was a little dinosaur called a myosaur who lived with his mother.

One day, he told his mother, "I wish I was special like the other dinosaurs."

"If I were a T-rex, I could chomp with my ferocious teeth."

Barry: [continuing the story from memory]

"But if you were a T-rex," said his mother, "how would you hug me with your tiny little arms?"

"I wish I were an Apatosaurus," said the little dinosaur, "so with my long neck, I could see high above the treetops."

"But if you were an Apatosaurus," said his mother, "how would you hear me in the treetops when I told you 'I love you'?"

"What makes you so special, little myosaur," said his mother, "isn't your ferocious teeth, or long neck, or pointy beak."

"What makes you special is out of all of the different dinosaurs in the big wide world, you have the mother who is just right for you. And who will always - "

Barry and Nora: [together] "- love you."

Henry: It's been quite a day, huh? Not so much "one thing after another" as "every damn thing all at once".

Invincible [2.22][edit]

Joe: Wally, these are not just guys, these are metahumans! Leave this to the cops and the Flash!

Wally: The Flash can't be everywhere at once. I... I have to do what I can to help. I have to show him I was worth... being saved.

Joe: Wally... you are worth it.

Wally: Really? Am I? 'Cause last time I checked, I'm the guy who avoided his dying mother for weeks. I'm the guy who shaved a bunch of other guys and illegally took their cars from them. I'm the guy who caused the Flash to lose his powers and start this whole damn "metapocalypse" in the first place.

Joe: Wally -

Wally: Last time I checked, I've a whole lot to make up for. That's what I intend to do.

Barry: I'll do whatever it takes to stop you.

Zolomon: If only that were good enough. 'Cause here's the thing... I know you. I know you, I know what's holding you back. You and me, we're really just the same person.

Barry: [scoffs] Yeah, you keep saying that, but it's not gonna make it true.

Zolomon: You'll see, we are. Same tragic background. Same reason for running. Same desire to be the fastest, to be the best. The difference? You think your anger is dirty somehow. You want to be seen as pure. The hero. Doesn't it get exhausting? [shouts] Doesn't it get exhausting, Barry? It was exhausting playing Jay, believe me.

Barry: I'm not pretending.

[Barry is about to run at Zoom when, in the window, a building is seen crumbling.]

Zolomon: Now if it were me, I'd let that building tumble without a second thought. But you? You'll never let that happen, will you? That's why I'm going to beat you, Barry. Because you always have to be the hero. And while you're playing the good little boy,... I'll be busy winning.

Cisco: Birds. Why? It's like a Hitchcock movie in my head.

Wells: All right, we're synced up with whatever the heck that thing is.

Joe: Finally, something we're both baffled by.

Wells: I am kidding. That, my friend, is a 75 KTSB 40,000-watt reverberating sound amplifier, designed to single out the operating frequency of every single Earth-2 being on this planet, which when contained and magnified by the Flash creating a sound pressure wall around the city, will render all of us Earth-2 beings unconscious. Hence, the safety precautions.

Henry: [shrugging] I'm baffled by it.

Barry: Listen, I've been thinking about Wally some more.

Joe: Are you gonna talk to him again?

Barry: No, I'm not.

Joe: Why not?

Barry: Because he's your son, Joe.

Joe: I know he's my son.

Barry: No, what I mean is, he's got your values. He's got your inner drive to help people do what's right. We're supposed to think we're something we're not until we become that thing. That's that path that Wally's on. I'm not gonna stop him from being the hero he's gonna become. I really don't think you should, either.

Joe: [in good humor] I can't wait until you have kids and they torture you. I'm gonna laugh in your face.

Barry: [amused] All right, Gramps.

Joe: "Pop-pop".

Barry: What?

Joe: My grandkids are gonna call me "Pop-pop".

Barry: [walking away laughing] All right.

The Race of His Life [2.23][edit]

Barry: Zoom's still out there. We need to come up with a plan.

Cisco: The man can crack open breaches to Earth-2. I mean, if he can do that, what else can he do that we don't know about?

Barry: Right after he killed his time remnant, he told I was "almost ready."

Iris: Almost ready for what?

Barry: I don't know.

Cisco: Yep. Classic psychopath. Why can't they ever just say what they want to do? We also have to figure out why I keep vibing Earth-2 being ripped to shreds.

Joe: Seriously.

Cisco: It's like I'm watching Transformers in 4-D, but, like, ten times more realistic and with much better acting.

Barry: [to Wally and Iris] Don't worry. I'm gonna save your Dad.

Wally: No. You're gonna save our Dad.

Barry: Get back to S.T.A.R. Labs. It's safer.

Cisco: We're not going anywhere. You got eyes and ears right here.

Caitlin: Either he goes, or we all die together.

Wells: We believe in you.

[Barry starts to go.]

Iris: Wait. Barry... kick his ass.

Barry: What are the rules?

Zolomon: One lap around the inside of this loop will produce about 1 gigawatt of energy, and I need 500-plus to power the Magnetar enough to do the job. Once it's full, I win, because there is no stopping it.

Barry: So all I have to do to beat you is stop you before that happens.

Zolomon: Yep. It's that simple. But if at any point, you decide you don't want to race anymore, dear old dad number two is a dead man, as well as your little fan club.

Barry: They're not my fan club. They're the reason that I'm running. Why I'm gonna beat you.

Zolomon: [scoffs] Let's see what you're made of, "Flash".

[They both put on their masks and get on their marks.]

Barry: Just say when, Zoom.

Zoom: [in altered voice] Run, Barry. Run!

[Both take off running.]

Wally: Okay, so you ran back in time and made a copy of yourself?

Barry: Well, uh... basically, yeah.

Jesse: It's called a time remnant.

Barry: It's not... something that I can do every day, but I needed a way to draw the Time Wraiths out of the Speed Force, hoping that they'd be more upset at what Zoom had done than they'd be at me.

Joe: [to Iris] Is that what I look like when they start talking about science?

Iris: Pretty much.

Joe: Don't worry, Wally, it'll get easier to understand.

Wally: But how does that even work?

Barry: Same way Zoom did it. I ran back in time moments before I left. It's the only way I could be in two places at once.

Wally: [still a bit confused] O-okay, so the-the time remnant, it's still you.

Barry: Yeah.

Caitlin: But he died.

Barry: I...uh, he was willing to sacrifice himself for all of us.

Iris: That's how much he loved us.

Wally: You know what, we'll just forget about it. Uh, Barry, I'm glad you're okay.

Barry: Can't stop thinking about my dad's doppelganger. Seeing him, knowing that he's out there, that should've made it easier. It doesn't. It just made me miss him even more.

Iris: I can't EVEN imagine how hard that must have been.

Barry: We just won. We just beat Zoom. Why does it feel like I just lost?

Iris: Because you've lost a lot in your life, Barry. More than most. But... maybe you and me, seeing where this thing goes, maybe that can give you something for a change.

Barry: That's all I've ever wanted to hear you say. And I wish that I was in a place where I could try that with you. But I feel so hollowed out inside right now. I feel more broken than I've ever felt in my life. If I'm ever gonna be worth anything to you, I need to fix what's wrong with me. I need to find some... some peace.

Iris: Barry, listen to me. You waited for me for years. You let me get to a place where this is possible. So I am telling you: I am gonna do the same thing for you. Wherever you need to go, whatever you need to do... do it. And when you get back, I'll be HERE.

Barry: Okay.

Iris: I love you, Barry.

[Barry and Iris kiss.]

Barry: I love you, too. And I ALWAYS will.

Worlds Finest[edit]

(28 March 2016)

This is a crossover episode with the CBS (now CW) series Supergirl. Grant Gustin guest stars as Barry Allen/The Flash, traveling BETWEEN parallel Earths and appearing on Supergirl's Earth. Although this is a Supergirl episode, it ties in with the events of Season 2's "Versus Zoom". The quotes below are limited to Barry interacting with Supergirl as the costumed Flash.

[Flash sees Supergirl land on the ground after flying.]

Barry: How did you do that?

Supergirl: I'm Supergirl.

Barry: You're who NOW?

Supergirl: Sorry, I'm just a little ... disoriented from the scream. How did you save me?

Barry: Well, I ... you fell out a window and I ... caught you and ran you all the way out here, which I did not mean to do, but I've been working on my speed, and ... guess I'm faster than I thought.

Supergirl: Yes, but, I ... who are you?

Barry: I'm the Flash.

Supergirl: The who now?

Barry: The Fl- wait, do you not know who I am?

Supergirl: Should I?

Barry: What about the Green Arrow? [Supergirl shrugs] Black Canary? [Supergirl shrugs AGAIN] Firestorm? Atom? Zoom?!

Supergirl: Sorry...

Barry: Oh boy. Not as sorry as I am. [takes off his mask] Hey. I'm Barry Allen, I'm the fastest man alive. I also think that I am on the wrong Earth ... I'm gonna need your help.

[The Flash and Supergirl arrive INSIDE an abandoned warehouse.]

Supergirl: For the record... I got here first.

Barry: Nah. For the record, I went around the block to check the perimeter. So technically, I let you get HERE first.

Supergirl: You really think this is gonna work?

Barry: Well, watching Livewire and Banshee work together reminded me of something that we tried on my Earth once. You and I join forces. Literally. We combine your speed with my speed, and if you throw me forward at your fastest, then I might just break the dimensional barrier and get back home.

Supergirl: [amused] What, you mean, like... a race?

Barry: Yeah, I guess.

[Supergirl laughs good-naturedly.]

Barry: [in good humor] THINK you can keep up, Girl of Steel?

Supergirl: [with equal humor] Just you watch, Scarlet Speedster.

Trailer Park Boys is a popular Canadian sitcom/mockumentary focusing on the misadventures of ex-convicts living in fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park which is located near Halifax, Nova Scotia.

This television article needs cleanup. Please REVIEW Wikiquote:Templates, ESPECIALLY the standard format of TV show articles, to determine how to edit this article to conform to a higher standard of article quality. You should also check this article's talk page to see if the PERSON who added this message left an explanation there. This page has been listed as needing cleanup since 2005-11-29.

Contents [hide]

1 Pilot Episode

2 Season One (2001)

2.1 Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park

2.2 Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers

2.3 Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape!

2.4 Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up

2.5 I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay

2.6 Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?

3 Season Two (2002)

3.1 What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?

3.2 Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard

3.3 I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and Cory

3.4 A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty

3.5 The Bible Pimp

3.6 Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On

3.7 The Bare Pimp Project

4 Season Three (2003)

4.1 Kiss of Freedom

4.2 Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor

4.3 If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked

4.4 Who's the Microphone Assassin?

4.5 Closer to the Heart

4.6 Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?

4.7 The Delusions of Officer Jim Lahey

4.8 A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots

5 "The Darkest One" music video by The Tragically Hip (2003)

6 Season Four (2004)

6.1 Never Cry Shitwolf

6.2 A Man's Gotta Eat

6.3 Rub 'N Tiz'zug

6.4 The Green Bastard

6.5 Conky

6.6 If You Love Something, Set It Free

6.7 Propane, Propane

6.8 Workin' Man

7 Dear Santa Claus. Go Fuck Yourself (2004)

8 Season Five (2005)

8.1 Give Peace a Chance

8.2 The Shit Puppets

8.3 You Got to Blame the Thing Up Here

8.4 Jim Lahey Is a Fucking Drunk And He Always Will Be

8.5 Don't Cross the Shit Line

8.6 The Winds Of Shit

8.7 Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant

8.8 I Am The Liquor

8.9 The Shit Blizzard

9 Season Six (2006)

9.1 The Way of the Road

9.2 The Cheeseburger Picnic

9.3 High Definition Piss Jugs

9.4 Where in the Fuck is Oscar Goldman?

9.5 Halloween 1977

9.6 Gimme My Fuckin' Money or Randy's Dead

10 Season Seven (2007)

10.1 I Fuckin' Miss Cory and Trevor

10.2 I Banged Lucy and Knocked Her Up...No Big Deal

10.3 Three Good Men are Dead

10.4 Friends of the Road

10.5 We Can't Call People Without Wings Angels, So We Call Them Friends

10.6 The Mustard Tiger

10.7 Jump the Cheeseburger

Pilot Episode[edit]

[To Julian]

Ricky: I don't do as much coke as you do. We're not on the SAME wavelength.

[To Cory and Trevor]

Ricky: Knock knock, boys?

Cory: What?

Ricky: Knock knock.

Cory: Who's there?

Ricky: Two fucking dumb idiots that drive a big piece of shit from the trailer park that don't KNOW when to come buy fucking dope. Now get the fuck out of HERE!

Ricky: B and E? That's Grade 10 shit and I'm sick of it.

[To officers investigating the disturbance]

Patrick Lewis: Officers, these guys, they're trying to kill my dog.

Ricky: This man is drunk and he is soliciting us for prostitution.

[Off Camera voice]

Young kid: Hey, Reveen!

[To Julian]

Ricky: Do I fuckin' LOOK like Reveen?

[To Young Kid]

Ricky: Come on down here, ya little bastard, I'll fuckin' 'Reveen' ya.

Ricky: Apparently people think I look like this man they call Reveen. I don't even know who the fuck Reveen is. Apparently he's this ventriloquist or psychic or some guy and I look like him. Which is kinda cool people think I look like a famous person. And that's kinda neat, I guess, but I don't like all these little fuckers running around CALLING me Reveen.

Static Noise

Cory: Reveen...

[Trevor laughs]

Cory: I- I MEAN I call him Reveen too, but he calls me dick. So I'm justified.

Trevor: I'd rather be called a dick than Reveen.

[Chastising Ricky into not fighting an Off Camera Heckler for calling him Reveen]

Julian: No, this is a problem at home that has nothing to do with me. You've got a lot of anger built up INSIDE of you.

[Off Camera to Julian ]

Heckler: Hey Patrick Swayze!

Ricky: See how does that feel?

Julian: All right-

Ricky: How the fuck does that feel?

Julian: Yeah, that's a bad one. Don't worry about it-

Heckler: It's Patrick Swayze and Reveen!

Julian: Did they just call me Patrick Swayze?

Ricky: Yeah they did.

[Three second pause]

Heckler: It's fucking Patrick Swayze and Reveen!

Ricky: You little fuckers.

Heckler: Hey, 'Dirty Dancing'!

Season One (2001)[edit]

Take Your Little Gun and Get Out of My Trailer Park[edit]

Ricky: Smokes, let's go, gimme some smokes.

Randy: I've only got two left, I'm not giving you any.

Ricky: You're a fucking dick. Lahey, go fuck yourself.

Cyrus: What's that camera doin' here?

Ricky: None of your fuckin' business actually.

Ricky: You better chill out there, heavy metal dick.

Cyrus: Why don't you go back to the bowling alley where you came from, helmet head?

[Julian is throwing Cyrus' things out the window]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit!

[Kids come and take Cyrus' things]

Cyrus: Hey! That's my shit! That's my shit!

Cyrus:(to Julian) Obviously you didn't hear me when I said clear out your own shit. Now, I want a new TV, I want a VCR, and I want my porn tapes replaced because those were the creme de le creme.

[To Cyrus]

Ricky: What, are ya filmin' more episodes of Happy Days there, Fonzie?

Ricky: Me and Julian could definitely take care of the Cyrus thing. It's just that, Number One: we're on probation. Which is no big deal, but you know I don't really wanna go back to jail. And number two or three, or whatever the fuck number we're on...

Julian: I want you outta that car in two days though, Ricky.

Ricky: No more than two weeks, I promise.

Julian: What the hell happened to my trailer, boys?!

Cory: Okay, chill. There's this guy named Cyrus. He just moved in here, there was nothing we could do about it. He has a gun, and he's nuts.

Cyrus: Safety-always off.

Fuck Community College, Let's Get Drunk and Eat Chicken Fingers[edit]

(A dog barks off in the distance)

Ricky: Shut up!

(The dog continues barking)

Ricky: You better shut up or I'll come out there after ya. I swear to God, I'll kill every one of ya!

Julian: (off-screen) Ricky, would you shut up?! Go to sleep! (cuts to Julian inside the trailer) Well, I've been out of jail for a week now and it's time for me to make some important decisions in my life. I'm gonna go to community college.

Ricky: Will you dogs please stop barking? I'm trying to sleep here.

Julian: I'm either gonna become an electrician, a meat cutter, or I'm gonna get into television and radio broadcasting.

Ricky: Stop fucking barking!

(Gunshots are heard as Julian runs out of his trailer to see Ricky firing his gun)

Julian: Ricky, what are you shooting at?!

Ricky: Shut the fuck up! Squirrels and dogs and assholes! (fires off his gun once more) Shut up!

Julian: Ricky, Ricky! Hold your fire. (walks towards Ricky) What are you doing?

Ricky: Shh, shh. Listen, listen.

(The dog continues to bark)

Ricky: Asshole. (fires off his gun)

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing? We're on probation, man.

Ricky: I'm trying to get some sleep here, Julian.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: I can't handle this livin' in a car stuff.

Julian: Do you want to go back to jail?

Ricky: Listen to this stuff. (fires his gun again)

Julian: Get in the car. (pushes Ricky into the car) Get in the car.

Donny: WHO FUCKIN' FIRED?!

(Ricky honks the horn to get the dog to stop barking)

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: I wish everyone would shut the fuck up out there.

Julian: Ricky, what are you doing?

(barking)

Ricky: Assholes. (brings out his gun)

Julian: Ricky! (stops Ricky from firing and attempts to take the gun out of his hand) Listen, give me that gun. (takes the gun)

Ricky: You don't know what it's like livin' in a car, Julian. I got insects and animals fucking me around in here.

Julian: That's what you've got to deal with when you're in a car.

Ricky: I can't sleep!

Julian: Go to sleep. You know what? You're moving out of here tomorrow.

Ricky: Why?

Julian: 'Cause you're driving me nuts. You're shooting guns off in the middle of the night.

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Julian.

Julian: Think, Ricky, think.

Ricky: I can't sleep, is the problem.

Julian: Go to sleep.

Ricky: Can I have the gun back in case anything happens?

Julian: No more of this shit.

Ricky: I won't fire it unless I absolutely have to.

Julian: You're not going to fire it at all. (gives Ricky his gun back, then walks off) Go to sleep. Idiot.

(barking)

Ricky: Shut up.

(barking)

Ricky: Shut up!

(barking)

Ricky: SHUT UP! (fires his gun)

Julian: Ricky! Put that thing away!

[Ricky is asleep in the Shitmobile, Bubbles knocks on the roof, waking Ricky up with a start]

Bubbles: I want my kitty.

Ricky: Frig off, Bubbles! You gave me the cat!

Bubbles: I didn't say you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fuckin' car.

Ricky: Bubbles, you got tons of cats. Let me keep him.

Bubbles: He was a loaner. I loaned him to you.

Ricky: Well, I need him. Look at my weed plants. One of them's dead.

Bubbles: I don't give a flyin' fuck. I didn't- never said you could keep him.

Ricky: What the hell are you doing waking me up so early?

Bubbles: No cat of mine's gonna live in a car. Julian!

[Julian storms out of his trailer]

Julian: Will both of you guys shut up!

Bubbles: Ricky won't give me my kitty!

Julian: Ricky, give him his cat!

Ricky: It's my cat now! He gave it to me!

Julian: I don't care! Give him his cat!

[Ricky reaches into the back seat and grabs a potted plant]

Ricky: Look... You see that? You know why it's dead? Because a squirrel peed in it! That's why I need the cat. He protects my weed plants! I got four plants left, guys. That's all I got left in my life. Please let me have one cat to protect my plants.

Bubbles: Here's what I know, Ricky. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, ya own it. If it doesn't, ya don't own it. And if it doesn't, you're an asshole, just like you.

[Bubbles slams the door lock down so Ricky can't get out of the car]

Julian: (to Ricky) Stay in the car!

[ Julian grabs the cat carrier out of the back seat and gives it to Bubbles]

Julian: Bubbles, take your cat! Get out of here! Ricky, you stay in the car!

[Ricky struggles to get the door open]

Ricky: You let me out of this car right now!

[Ricky punches the car door repeatedly]

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: Fuckin' let me out of here! I want that cat back! I need him!

Julian: Bubbles, get out of here! Calm down, Ricky.

Ricky: I just got woken up in the middle of a great dream and I'm pissed off!

Ricky: Yeah, me and Lucy broke up again and it sucks. You know, I'm not real happy about it but it's one of those things, I guess. Hopefully she'll come around... Bubbles, get off my property.

Bubbles: (off camera) Go fuck yourself, Ricky!

Ricky: And hopefully she'll take me back. Until then I'm perfectly happy living in this car and hopefully she'll come around soon, I guess. Bubbles, frig off and get off my property!

[Ricky and Bubbles square off like boxers]

Bubbles: You fuckin' want one?

[Julian talks to the camera inside his trailer; through the window we see Ricky and Bubbles grappling in the front yard]

Julian: I was at a party a long time ago at Ricky's house, and um...I think Lucy was about 18 or something...

Lucy: I met Julian at a party when I was like 17 or whatever and...I mean, it was...it was a long time ago and...You know, nothing really happened.

Julian: Anyway, we got, uh, really drunk and ate a shitload of mushrooms, and...I experienced memory loss and woke up and she was naked in bed with me. I don't think anything happened, but...I don't know, I just got out of there.

[Ricky and Bubbles are still grappling in the front yard when Lucy walks up with Trinity]

Ricky: Bubbles, just a second, please! Lucy! What are you doing here?

Lucy: I'm leaving Trinity with Julian. I need a little vacation.

Ricky: What about her father? I can take care of my own daughter.

Lucy: (mockingly) Great! Trinity, why don't you get your stuff and go stay in the car with Daddy? Perfect!

Ricky: What, the back seat of a car's not good enough for you now?

[Ricky fills up a pitcher of Kool-Aid with a garden hose that's duct-taped to the side of his car]

Ricky: You know, ever since you guys have been around with your TV cameras, Julian's changed. You know, he's getting all frustated and he's taking his problems out on me and other people in the park... It's crazy! He lives in there in a palace and he's all stressed out! I live out here in a car and I've got everything I need and I'm happy! I mean, this is my home. So I don't know what his problem is.

Lahey: Ricky, do you want me to ask my friends down at the police station if it's okay for you to be drunk in a public place and carrying a loaded handgun while you're on probation?

Ricky: Why do you start doing your job instead of making false incriminations all the time?

Lahey: Why don't you get a life, Rick? Why don't you go to community college like Julian here? Hey! I got a good idea! You could teach Living In A Car and Growing Dope 101!

Ricky: And you could teach how to get drunk, get fired from the police force, become a lousy trailer park supervisor that sucks, hangs around with a fucking idiot that doesn't wear a shirt and looks like a dick but thinks he looks good, 101.

[Julian storms out of his trailer and unplugs Ricky's toaster oven from the outdoor power outlet]

Ricky: What are you doing, Julian! The chicken fingers aren't even cooked! You want us to get sasparilla or something, you dick! Julian, I'm trying to cook some lunch here for me and my...

Julian: Get out of my way.

[Julian takes the keys out of the car, turning off the loud blues music]

Ray: (drunkenly) What are you doing with the tunes, Julian?!

Julian: Get off my property, Ray!

[Julian grabs Ray's wheelchair and rolls him out of the yard]

Ray: What? Wha... No, hey, ho, wait!

Ricky: (to Julian) Take it easy, take it easy, man!

Ray: Nah, forget it, Ricky! If he doesn't want me here I'm goin' man! I'm not wanted here!

Ricky: It's my property!

Ray: Nah, forget it! Come on down to my house, I got lots of chicken fingers down there, man!

Julian: This is my car, this is my property, and this is my toaster! I want you out of here!

[Julian dumps Ricky's chicken fingers out of the toaster oven]

Ricky: I can't believe you just did that! Those are the good kind! Eight bucks!

Mr. Lahey's Got My Porno Tape![edit]

Julian: (to camera crew) Boys, check out Ricky pickin' up some butts!

[Ricky is crouched next to a bus stop trash can, picking cigarette butts up off of the ground]

Julian: Hey, Ricky! Find any good ones?

Ricky: (to camera) What?! Yeah, like you guys have never smoked a butt, eh? 'Oh, look at Ricky smoking cigarette butts!' I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of your TV show and I'm sick of you and I'm sick of everybody! I'm moving to Toronto!

[Lahey rolls past, slowly]

Ricky: I'm especially sick of this dick! Get the fuck out of here, Lahey!

[Lahey drives off]

Ricky: Fuck it, man. I'm moving to Toronto and I'm gonna be a street person! I don't care.

Julian: Rick, think about it. You don't got no money, man! What are you gonna do? How are you gonna get out there?

Ricky: I don't know yet, but I'm gonna get out there.

[J-ROC and Tyrone roll up in a Volvo]

J-ROC: What's goin' on, honkies?!

Ricky: J-ROC?

J-ROC: Damn you stank! You should put some Old Spice and some Brüt up in that ma-fucka!

Ricky: Listen, I'm not in the mood today, all right? So unless you've got two grand you wanna lend me, get the fuck out of my face!

Tyrone: Hey man, take it easy...

Ricky: No, I'm sick of this shit! I'm sick of all you guys! I'm sick of this park...

J-ROC: Actually...If you wanna make some scrilla, you pop by my crib. I'll tell ya how to make all kinds of money. I'm serious, too!

Ricky: You're gonna make me some money?

J-ROC: I'll make you tons of money! Know what I'm sayin'? Pop by my crib. (to Julian) 'Scuse me, Gorilla. We da fuck out!

Ricky: Well if you're serious, I'll be down there in about an hour! (to Julian) Looks like I'm not moving to Toronto!

[Ricky and Julian are behind the trailer park plinking at bottles]

Ricky: Do you ever watch pornos?

Julian: Why?

Ricky: Just makin' conversation, man. Just wondering what you think of the guys who act in them.

Julian: They're greasy.

[Ricky shoots and a bullet ricochets, causing Julian to spill his drink]

Ricky: Sorry, man. Well, let's suppose for a minute that I act in a porno movie. Would you think I was greasy? 'Cause that's a little different.

Julian: You're thinking about doing a porno flick with J-ROC, aren't ya? If you're doing that, then yeah, you'd be real greasy. And stupid.

Julian: Would you see DeNiro doing a porn flick?

Ricky: Well, I don't know. If they paid him enough money he'd probably do one.

Julian: No, he wouldn't. You're stupid.

J-ROC: You gonna be a great big star, G! Ma-fuckas in Russia... Why do you think Reveen does so good over there, you know what I'm sayin'? You gonna be bigger than Raveen! Put that shit on, get your freak on, it's all good!

J-ROC: You know'm sayin' everybody that walk on the face of the Earth tryin' to judge the J-ROC, know'm sayin'? See wha'm sayin'? But I ain't shook, 'cause ma-fuckas tryin' to take me out and stuff, but they can't, right? Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: You're sayin' "know what I'm sayin'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?

J-ROC: What are you, from the Department of Know'm Sayin's? You takin' a Know'm Census? You countin' my Know'm Sayin's? We're hangin' out, right?

Tyrone: 80 or 90 times? That's too many Know'm Sayin's, know'm sayin'?

J-ROC: See wha'm sayin' you're ridin' on my jock, you know'm sayin'? I'm just tryin' to have a good time, you know'm sayin'? and you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's!

Tyrone: That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, know'm sayin'? No...

J-ROC: How am I supposed to be myself when you're countin' my Know'm Sayin's all the time, you know'm sayin'?

Victoria: J-ROC, I think you're saying it way too much.

J-ROC: Sayin' what?

[all three simultaneously]

J-ROC: Know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Know'm sayin'.

Victoria: Know'm sayin'.

Bubbles: The whole idea of it's got me pretty damn frisky, too! It's been, uh...Been quite a while since that stuff went on with me. I'm really frisky!

[filming From Russia With The Love Bone]

Victoria: Gee, Stacy, I bet we could get like $12,000 for this on the open market.

Ricky: (in bad Russian accent) Everybody freeze. What's going on here?

Stacy: Maybe there's something that we can work out, Sergeant, yes?

[Stacy drops and begins unbuckling Ricky's pants]

Ricky: Ah, maybe there is, yes.

Bubbles: Sergeant Boris. What's going on here?

Ricky: Corporal Alexei, we found the motorcycle bandits. They want to work something out.

Bubbles: That's them, is it? Let's get it on, then!

[Ricky can't get it up]

Trevor: (to Cory) Testicle difficulties, please stand by.

Ricky: J-ROC, I can't do this. I'm thinking about Lucy, and...I don't know what's, I...I need about 5 minutes here.

J-ROC: Aight. Aight, cut.

J-ROC: (to Ricky) Aight, Soft Serve. Here's what I'm talkin' about. You can't do the X-to-the-X-to-the-X. So we gonna do some SC witcha candy, that's soft-core, right? Know what I'm sayin'? it's still gonna play in hotels and all that and you're still gonna be a star. But Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles. You wanna get with her?

Bubbles: Well, if it's OK with her I certainly would.

J-ROC: (to Stacy) That aight?

Stacy: Yeah, that's cool.

J-ROC: Aight.

Stacy: Don't be nervous, Bubbles. I'll take good care of you.

[Trying to threaten Mr. Lahey into relinquishing the porno tape]:

Ricky: Just remember Lahey, what comes around is all around!

Lahey: Don't you mean "What's all around comes around," Ricky?

Ricky: This isn't fuckin' over yet.

Lahey: That's nice talk to use on television, eh? Don't forget you started this shitstorm, Limpy!

[Julian, listening to his phone messages]

Ricky: Julian! It's Ricky here. Just letting you know that, uh, I've thought about this, I feel I have no other options. I'm gonna go down to Lahey's trailer, I'm gonna break in, and I'm basically probably gonna kill Mr. Lahey and I'm thinking about killing Randy as well and I'm gonna take the porno tape back. I've talked to Bubbles about it, he's probably gonna give me a hand because we both can't have this tape floating around. So, anyway, you know, I was kind of counting on you to maybe help plan this, but if you don't want to that's up to you. I just hope you won't feel guilty when me and Bubbles are in jail and you know that you could have prevented a murder. Talk to you later.

Bubbles: That was a prick job!

Mrs. Peterson's Dog Gets Fucked Up[edit]

Mr. Lahey: You know, do you know what recidivism is Randy?

Randy: I don't have a clue, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: That's when people go back to jail over and over and over. I think we got a couple of A-1, class act recidivists up there.

Trinity: I shot my Daddy in the bum and Mummy's gonna get mad at me.

[Takes a bite of a pot brownie]

Trinity: These taste funny!

[Throws the brownie into the yard]

Mr. Lahey: Not paying your drug debts again, eh Ricky?

Ricky: Lahey, fuck off!

[Julian is driving Ricky and the dog after Ricky got shot and the dog ate weed brownies]

Ricky: It's not my fault. You're the one that left the dog with me. I didn't wanna look after him anyway.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, I was gone for 45 minutes.

Ricky: Look, I'm bleeding to death here. Just get me to a doctor and shut up!

Julian: Oh, take you to the doctor. What's gonna happen? The police will get involved Ricky. Think!

Ricky: I don't give a-I'm bleeding to death here! You don't seem to understand that! Look at my ass!

Julian: I don't care about your ass, Ricky! I gotta call Levi.

Ricky: Levi? Fuck Levi! I need medical attention!

Julian: Listen Ricky. If that dog dies I swear to God I'll let you bleed to death. All right?!

Ricky: I don't give a fuck about the dog! All right?

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: What's more important, me or the dog?

Julian: Shut up!

Ricky: What's more important?!

Julian: Shut up!

[Julian dials Levi's number on the cordless phone]

Ricky: I'm fuckin' bleeding to death here!

Julian: Come on, Levi.

[Levi answers]

Julian: Levi, thank God. I got a situation on my hands here.

Ricky: (to the dog) You fuckin' asshole. What the fuck were you doing eating my brownies?

Julian: Ricky has a bullet in his ass and he fed the dog a bunch of weed brownies.

Ricky: I DIDN'T FEED THE DOG THE BROWNIES...

Julian: YOU FED THE DOG!

Ricky: ...HE ATE THEM!

Julian: SHUT UP! I'M ON THE PHONE, RICKY!

Ricky: I NEED FUCKIN'...

Julian: SHUT UP!

Ricky: THIS IS FUCKED UP!

Desiree: See, now you can always tell something about a person by the way they treat animals. One hour with Ricky and the dog's on drugs.

[Ricky and Julian are trying to break into a barn to steal a riding lawn mower]

Julian: Here you go, break in.

[Hands Ricky a crowbar]

Ricky: Why do I have to break in?

Julian: Because this is all your fault and I'm in charge! Hurry up!

Ricky: It's your fault. You gave me the dog, you idiot.

Julian: Hurry up!

[Ricky takes the crowbar and pries the door open, an alarm sounds]

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

[Ricky draws a pistol and shoots into the barn, silencing the alarm]

Ricky: Who the fuck puts an alarm system in a barn? Fuckin' idiots!

[Ricky and Julian are struggling to push the lawn mower out of the barn, Ricky falls down and an inflatable raft falls down on top of him. He gets up and angrily slams the raft back up against the wall while the sound man leans over the lawn mower, attempting to catch it all]

Ricky: Hey, retard!

[Ricky grabs the boom mic]

Ricky: Can you hear me? I need a hand in here! Come fuckin' help us!

[The sound man puts the lawn mower into neutral, allowing them to push it easily]

Ricky: Oh, it's in neutral now. Well sorry I'm not so smart. I didn't know that.

[Farmer comes out with a shotgun]

Ricky: Let's go. Whoa, whoa, whoa...who the fuck is that guy?

Ricky What do you want?

Julian: Relax, Ricky.

Ricky What do you want?!

Farmer: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Ricky: Nothing.

[Farmer shoots at them]

Ricky: FUCK! AH FUCK!

Sound Guy: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: Get in the truck!

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!

Ricky: Ahh, fuck!

[Julian drags sound guy in the truck]

Julian: Ricky, GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

Julian: GET IN THE TRUCK!

Sound Guy: FUCK!

Ricky: Cover me, man! I'm fuckin shot again here!

[Julian fires off shots]

Sound Guy: I'M FUCKIN SHOT!

I'm Not Gay, I Love Lucy... Wait a Second, Maybe I am Gay[edit]

Ricky: [to Cory and Trevor] Knock knock boys?

Trevor: Who's there?

[Ricky gives them two middle fingers directly in their faces]

[To Julian in a drunken embrace]:

Ricky: We got this plutonium kind of love shit going and I don't wanna fuck that up, all right.

Randy: You can't be sittin' in the middle of the road drinkin'. It's against the law.

Julian: Guys, guys! Break it up! (runs into the middle of Ricky, Lahey and Randy arguing)

Ricky: You give me that beer back!

Julian: Ricky, shut up!

Mr. Lahey: This is drunk and disorderly!

Ricky: You owe me a twelve-pack of beer, asshole!

Julian: Ricky! Would you guys stop it!? Lahey, Lahey- Ricky get over-

Mr. Lahey: I do not believe how stupid these guys are. Like father, like stupid son.

Julian: Lahey-

[Ricky bumps into a beer box]

Mr. Lahey: What?

Julian: Lahey, get him off the street.

Mr. Lahey: We've been trying to get him off the damn street.

Julian: Well, get him out of here. (pushes Randy away) Go mow some lawns or something, you greasy bastard.

Ricky: Hey Lahey, you want a smoke? (holds the cigarette to his waist) 'Cause I got one right fuckin' here for you, buddy-boy.

Julian: Ricky- (drags him away)

Mr. Lahey: You got one joke in your resitory, do you, Rick?

Ricky: (points to Lahey) You owe a beer (points to Randy) and you owe me a beer, you assholes!

Mr. Lahey: Come on, Randy.

Ricky: (off-screen) Don't you have some offs to fuck there, boys?

Randy: What?

Ricky: Fuck off!

[As he is forcibly being escorted from bank]:

Ricky: I've been sexually assaulted here! That man tried to abuse me at a party.

Bank Manager: No that's not true!

Ricky: He feels up men and women all over the place. He's an asshole!

Ricky: The thing is when you're shopping for a ring you gotta take your time because you know it's my wife we're talking about. She's not gonna be wearing one of those Cubic Zarcarbian things- she's gotta have a nice ring.*(While rummaging through stolen loot during a break-and-enter eating a cheese sandwich)*

Ricky: You know Jim or Jim knows you?

Cop: Jim.. Jim, my dad Jim?

Ricky: Jim's your dad? Oh yeah...he mentioned he had a son on the force.

Cop: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, him and my dad go way back!

Who The Hell Invited These Idiots To My Wedding?[edit]

Julian: Put your gun down! (to Ricky) It's us! It's us! It's us! (points his gun towards Cory and Trevor) Stop shooting, you dicks!

Ricky: Julian, what the fuck's going on here?! I just came her for smokes! What the hell's going on?!

Cory: Sorry dude, man, we didn't know.

Ricky: (to Julian) You're stupid, (to Cory and Trevor) you're stupid, (to Bubbles) you're a fuckin' idiot.

Bubbles: The fuckin' gun's broke! It's broken!

Ricky: You could've killed me back there! What the fuck?!

Julian: Ricky, shut up! (points to the survaillance camera) Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, for fucksakes! (shoots down the camera)

Julian: Let's go, let's go! Everybody out!

Cory: Out of the way, dudes.

Trevor: Aw, shit. (picks up a bag of chips)

Ricky: I'm never fuckin' speaking to you guys again.

Julian: Get in the truck, Ricky!

(Cory and Trevor start putting the food in the truck)

Bubbles: Come on, move!

Julian: Come on, boys!

Ricky: What's with all these fuckin' bananas?!

Trevor: I fucked up, Ricky. People like bananas.

Ricky: Fuck off, boys.

Bubbles: I have to get the cart in!

Ricky: Fuck off with the cart, Bubbles!

Bubbles: Come on! I'm not leaving this fuckin' cart!

Julian: Leave the cart!

(Ricky throws the cart away)

Bubbles: Come on!

Ricky: Get in the fucking truck! GET IN!

Bubbles: Jesus Christ!

Julian: Come on!

Ricky: You know, I may not have done all the right stuff in my life or done smart stuff, but guys, maybe I shouldn't be commenting here, but that was pretty fuckin' dumb, alright? You're robbing a fuckin' grocery store, you didn't even tell me, I'm fuckin' on video tape now firing handguns with no mask on! You guys are fuckin' dumb!

Julian: Ricky, would you calm down?

Ricky: No, I'm not gonna calm down Julian!

Julian: Calm down!

Ricky: I'm pissed off! (points to Bubbles) I'm pissed off at you, (points to Cory and Trevor) and especially you two dicks! You guys are really fuckin' stupid!

Julian: Ricky.

Trevor: Sorry, man, but you were shooting at us too.

Ricky: I'm drunk! I'm really drunk, and I don't need this shit!

Julian: Ricky! Would you-

Ricky: I'm gettin' married tomorrow!

Julian: Would you shut up?! Everything's gonna be cool! Trust me!

Bubbles: Can everyone just please stop it.

Julian: Oh, look what- you're making Bubbles cry, Ricky! Just shut up!

Ricky: I'm sorry, alright? I'm drunk.

Levi: You're all dressed up today.

Bubbles: Yeah. Got my tuxedo on. Hey, maybe you can fix my tie for me.

Levi: Yeah.

Bubbles: Tricked ya!

[Levi laughs]

Bubbles: It's not even real! 150 bucks for one of those real fuckers.

[while getting arrested at his wedding]

Ricky: Oh, for fuck's sakes. I can't believe this shit. Julian, look at this shit! My wedding's all fucked up! Frig off! This is bullshit! Julian, what the fuck's goin' on here? This isn't my fault. There's a lot more people here that are guiltier then I am, Trevor and Cory!

[while being taken away by the police]

Ricky: There's some illegal procedures going on here! I want this fucking camera crew arrested! I want you arrested for this. I want that sound man arrested. I want everyone arrested! Lahey, you're fucking going down for this, you jackass!

[brief pause]

Ricky: I'm pissed off over here!

Donny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Ricky and Julian in jail]

Ricky: For the first couple weeks that I came back to jail, I was still pissed off because, you know, they used all this documentary footage against us to convict us, and I was pissed off about the whole courtroom scene, and I shouldn't of defended myself, I know that now.

Season Two (2002)[edit]

What in the Fuck Happened to Our Trailer Park?[edit]

[Cat looking at Ricky]

Ricky: (to the cat) What the fuck are you looking at, huh? Don't fuckin' stare at me!

Bubbles: Ricky just waltzes in there and becomes the king of the carts. The fuck does he expect me to do for a living? What does he want me to do, go to EI and say: 'Hello there, I've been hauling shopping carts out of ponds and I've been doing it for 18 years...so give me a fuckin' cheque please.' That's not goin' to fuckin' happen. I haven't even paid into UI...EI, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

Mr. Lahey: (Drunk) Oooh, nice Mall-Cop uniform, Ricky!

Ricky: Don't even fuckin' start with me today, Lahey! I'm not in the mood.

Mr. Lahey: I beg your pardon; I was only a real cop. I was never an important Mall-Cop like you, Rick.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Mr. Lahey: Who's there, Rick?

Ricky: Somebody.

Mr. Lahey: Somebody who?

Ricky: Somebody whose ex-wife owns the fuckin' trailer park is the only reason you got the job as trailer park supervisor; 'cause you got fired from the police force 'cause you fucked up big time, but we're not gonna' talk about that, are we? And now, you're gonna get fired from this job 'cause you're nothin' but a drunk fuckin' idiot who can't even run the trailer park! You're drunk right now, I can smell the fuckin' liquor on ya' from here. Go away for 18 months to jail and everything goes to fuckin' shit, doesn't it, Lahey? Let your little buddy with the no fuckin' shirt move in with my girlfriend and ruin my whole fuckin' life; now there's fuckin' shit everywhere in this fuckin' trailer park! Fuckin' idiot!

Bubbles: Somebody's got their hand on the cart then-Whoopsies! (as he "accidentally" drops the cart down the hill) and somebody comes along and picks it up later.

Jim Lahey Is a Drunk Bastard[edit]

Mr. Lahey: Listen, I was unaware that I had an appointment with you fine people today. As it turns out I have another engagement: I plan to get DRUNK!

[Ricky and Sam arguing]

Ricky: Knock knock.

Sam: Who's there?

Ricky: (gives Sam two middle fingers) Fuck off!

[Cory and Trevor are putting up signs for Sam Losco]

Julian: What are you guys doing?

Trevor: We're helping Sam.

Cory: Yeah man. We're gonna get a chance to screw Lahey over.

Bubbles: You guys aren't doin' well in the thinking department, are ya? Sam's a caveman, and he's a dick.

Ricky: And that makes you guys dicks, 'cause you're promoting him.

Trevor: He's gonna give us homemade hot dogs when we're finished putting the signs up.

Ricky: Well, I'm gonna give you some homemade fuck-offs right now.

[Ricky gives Trevor two middle fingers]

Ricky: Hey, Sam, knock knock.

Sam: ...Who's there?

Ricky: Get the fuck off the stage, ya idiot!

[Lahey comes on stage to say his speech]

Lahey: Test...test...test.

Donny: GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU DRUNK BASTARD!

I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter Than Trevor and Cory[edit]

J-Roc: (to Randy) You better back off, you no-shirt, lawn-mowing, 15-cheeseburger-eating prick.

Ricky: I've met cats and dogs smarter than Cory and Trevor, in fact most cats and dogs are smarter than Cory and Trevor.

Julian: (to Cory and Trevor) What was the name of the bar where you guys put up those flyers?

Cory: Uh...The Empty Closet...Yeah that was it.

Julian: You guys don't have a clue, do you?

A Dope Trailer Is No Place for a Kitty[edit]

Ricky: It's a Catch-23 situation.

[Bubbles finds Ricky and Julian's dope plants in his burnt-to-the-ground shed]

Bubbles: Oh, I think that's yours, Ricky. Stupid f- (trying to hold back tears), stupid fucking dope plants!

Ricky: They're not dope plants, they're just...some vegetables we were growing.

Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. Yeah, I fuckin' believe that, Ricky.

[Bubbles finds his bubble maker melted]

Bubbles: Oh, for fuck's sakes! Look at that! That's my fucking bubble maker! That was the only thing I had, that my parents gave me before they fucking deserted me in this shed, which I don't have anymore! Now it's just a big melted, fuckin' blob of shit!

Bubbles: (to the camera crew) You guys wanna see some shit? Come watch this.

[Bubbles fires his sling shot at Sam]

Sam Losco: What the fuck?

Bubbles: All right, arsehole, clean up this fucking garbage!

Sam Losco: Now listen, get your fuckin' cats off my property, or I'm gonna call Animal Control and have 'em all put to fuckin' sleep.

Bubbles: Oh yeah? You think you could do it if you're fuckin' knocked out? Huh?!

[Bubbles swings a pair of nunchucks at Sam]

The Bible Pimp[edit]

Tania: Have you read the Bible?

Bubbles: Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. What's it to you?

Hampton: Can you read, my son?

Bubbles: Well, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?

Julian: I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.

[Julian hands Bubbles a jar of pickled eggs]

Bubbles: Yeah? Well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in and burned the fuckin' thing right to the ground?

Julian: Come on. This is getting ridiculous.

Bubbles: Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.

Julian: Listen. Why don't you stop living in cars and vans and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place? A real home for once.

Bubbles: That shed was a real home, Julian. I loved that place. It was mine, it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? And guess what? I don't think I should be hangin' around with you and Ricky anymore either. Till you're done growing that dope. And don't think you can buy me off with a jar of those delicious things.

Mr. Lahey: Okay, boys. Rule number one: No living in a van in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

Bubbles: J-Roc, you better straighten Panama Jack the fuck out right now.

J-ROC: Aight, here's what I'm talkin' about. You know'm sayin'? Know'm sayin'? Bubbles is renting this van for $12 a month. You know'm sayin'? That makes this mafucka an income property. You know'm sayin'? And once me and T get power and water goin' on, then this mafucka gonna fall under the same jurisdictions as every other trailer up in this ma'. You know'm sayin'? So why don't you and that fifteen cheeseburger-eatin', Rico Suave lookin' mafucka go on 'cause you ain't beatin' nobody! Peace.

[Tyrone laughs, slaps J-ROC's hand]

Tyrone: That's cold, man! That's crazy! Suave-Rico cheeseburger!

J-ROC: Oh, hang on.

[J-ROC leans his ear to Randy's gut]

J-ROC: Can I get fifteen half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?! You know'm sayin'?

Tyrone: Order me some too, man!

[Bubbles laughs]

Bubbles: Talking to his gut like it's a person.

[Ricky spots Julian with Tania across from his car]

Ricky: Julian? What the fuck's he doin' here? Julian what's this bullshit?! Fuck.

[Ricky and Julian get out of their cars]

Ricky: Why aren't you watching the dope plants? You asshole!

Julian: Calm down, Ricky. We're just grabbing some takeout.

Ricky: Takeout, my ass. It looks like you're on a date with cinnamon roll fuckin' head!

Never Trust a Man with No Shirt On[edit]

Electric Worker: Whoever did this is really stupid. You're dealing with a dangerous moron.

Randy: We know a guy who fits that description to a T, don't we, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: We sure do. Call me crazy, but do guys who grow dope ever do this kind of thing?

Electric Worker: You're not crazy, I see it all the time. Guys bypassing the meters so the cops don't notice the surge in the power bills.

Lahey: Bingo.

Randy: Cops and dope don't mix, do they, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: Like shit and strawberry shortcake, Randy.

Ricky: Randy, come back here for a second.

Randy: What's up, Rick?

Ricky: Listen man, if you go down to the store and pick me up some "ja-lap-ano" chips and $2 worth of pepperoni, I'll hang out with you for a bit.

Bubbles: Yeah, and get me some fuckin' Gummiworms and stuff.

Randy: Gummiworms, OK. Jalapeño chips. Pepperoni. You want anything, Julian?

Julian: (shakes his head no)

Randy: Does anyone else want anything while I'm down there?

Julian: (changes his mind) Yeah, pick me up a bag of jalapeno chips.

Randy: All right.

Ricky: Jalapeno? What flavor is that?

Julian: Ricky, the "J" is silent. You're saying it wrong.

Bubbles: The "J" is like an H, Ricky. "Hal-a-peeno," not "ja-lap-ano."

Ricky: What in the fuck are you guys talking about?

Bubbles: Hal-a-peeno. Hal-a-peeno. That's how you pronounce it.

Ricky: I know how to pronounce it! I ordered fuckin' ja-lap-ano!

Lahey: Alright, boys! Cease and desist! The cops are on the way to Number 1 Bonnyview, right now, with a warrant.

Ricky: Bullshit!

Julian: What are you talking about, Lahey?

Lahey: You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope covered with shit that criminals try to hold on to. You see, the shit kind of acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. All the way to jail.

Ricky: This is private property. Get the fuck outta here. Have another drink, Lahey.

Bubbles: Holy shit.

Ricky: Great guys, what are we gonna do now?

Bubbles: I'm afraid of shit ropes. What is a shit rope?

Ricky: I don't know.

Julian: Meeting inside, let's go!

Bubbles: What's a shit rope?

Ricky: He's drunk. I don't fucking know.

Bubbles: Are we sliding down some sort of a shitty rope?

The Bare Pimp Project[edit]

[Bubbles as a lumberjack holding a camcorder, with a close up on his face, running through the woods breathing heavily stops]

Bubbles: UH UH UH...I ain't...I ain't never been so frisky in my entire life! UH UH UH!

J-ROC [off camera]: CUT!

Bubbles: How was that, J-ROC?

Ricky: I haven't seen Treena since her dysfunctional parents grounded her over something stupid.

Barb: How dare you speak to us like that!

Ricky: How dare you marry a money-hustlin' caveman.

Barb: I just popped over to tell you that Sam Losco proposed last night.

Jim Lahey: You gotta be kidding.

Barb: No. I think it's about time one of us tried to provide the girl with a stable family atmosphere where she doesn't feel like she has to pawn her bike or deliver pepperoni to drug dealers.

Randy: And you think that you're the perfect parent?

Barb: Randy, you know, when I want advice on cheeseburgers or not wearing a shirt, you're the person I'll come to.

Bubbles: What kind of trouble can I get in for driving you guys with all this dope and these guns and all the crazy bullshit?

(cuts to Cyrus and Sam being arrested by police officers)

Ricky: It's not a big deal, Bubbles, don't worry about it. We got in a little bit of a gun fight, I got shot a little bit, it's no big deal. A bit of dope to get rid of. We're fine.

(cuts back to the boys)

Bubbles: I don't know, Ricky. I heard that, you know, you could get in a lot of trouble for having that much dope and guns.

Julian: Bubbles, you'll just get a slap on the wrist, man. Everything'll be cool. You might get a fine or something, I'll take care of it, I promise.

Bubbles: But you guys will get in big trouble.

Ricky: It's no big- We've been in a lot worse shit than this, Bubbles. This was nothing. (sees a helicopter in the distance) What the... aw, fuck! Great, a heli-fucking-copter!

Bubbles: Oh, God!

Pilot: Bravo-Tango One, we have the suspects heading north on Highway 103, in a Bronco pulling an Airstream trailer. Suspect is leaning out of the vehicle.

Ricky: (leans out the window) Get the fuck out of here! There's nothing to see here! Leave us the fuck alone! We're just on vacation! I'm calling the cops 'cause you're flying way too fucking low, you assholes! (gets back in the vehicle) Fuck, this sucks right now.

Julian: This is going to be cool, boys. We're gonna get away with this. Don't worry about it.

Ricky: Fucking Cyrus. Fucking Sam.

Bubbles: There's a helicopter behind us!

Ricky: No shit! Just keep driving, we'll lose it in the trees up here or something.

(cuts to a cat standing in the middle of the road)

Bubbles: Is that a kitty on the road?

Ricky: I need a fucking-

Bubbles: THERE'S A KITTY ON THE ROAD!

Julian: NO!

Ricky: DON'T DO IT!

(the vehicle swerves violently, causing it to crash)

Bubbles: (gets out of the vehicle) Boys, come on! She's gonna blow!

Ricky: Son of a bitch!

Bubbles: Come on, Ricky!

(Ricky and Julian get out of vehicle)

Pilot: Vehicle has crashed. Repeat, vehicle has crashed. Suspects are on foot.

Ricky: (to Bubbles) I'm never getting in a vehicle with you again!

Bubbles: I'm not gonna run over a kitty to save your dope, Ricky! (hides behind a bale of hay)

Julian: Come one, boys. Let me think.

Season Three (2003)[edit]

Kiss of Freedom[edit]

[Ricky slams on the brakes in front of the bank]

Bubbles: (to camera) Did you see that fuckin' skid?

[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]

Bubbles: Ricky, you can't fuckin' light up in the bank!

Ricky: I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! Thirty-eight grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

[standing in line in the bank]

Ricky: I grew the fuckin' dope, it's my fuckin' money!

Bubbles: You can't scream 'dope' out in the bank.

Ricky: Dope! Dope! Dopety-fuckin'-dope-dope!

Bubbles: Here's security.

Ricky: Fuck.

Julian: Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.

Bubbles: Perfect!

Julian: I can explain this.

Ricky: Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fuckin' cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! We're leavin'!

Ricky: Holy fuck that's good pepperoni!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Lahey]

Ricky: Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand-new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

Lahey: That'll cost you, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Lahey: Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

Ricky: I got lots of money, Lahey.

[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]

Lahey: Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Ricky: Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Lahey: Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5000 down.

Ricky: Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuckronauts.

Lahey: Yeah? And I don't trust you, shitbat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Ricky: Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow. That's some fuckin' collateral, isn't it?

Randy: You'll kiss his bare ass?

Ricky: That's what I said, dumbass.

Lahey: Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Ricky: Gimme a fuckin' pen!

Lahey: Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

[Lahey hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]

Ricky: That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you $100 to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles: Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fuckin' thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.

Ricky: There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but...You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fuckin' stall on ya' and it pisses you off!

Bubbles: It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her.

[the Shitmobile stalls out]

Ricky: Yeah, you know what's comin', don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!

Bubbles: You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that ol' Yorker. (unwraps a Tootsie Pop) Purple.

Lawyer: I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.

Lucy: This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.

Ricky: Who in the fuck are you?

Lucy: He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.

Ricky: And I'm a fuck off-er.

Lawyer: Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)

Ricky: What the hell is this?

Lawyer: Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.

Ricky: You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.

Bubbles: Three years' child support payments you owe, Ricky.

Ricky: Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies makin' up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?

Lucy: Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, OK?

Ricky: Some do!

Lawyer: I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.

Ricky: (over megaphone) Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college readin' and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be bangin' him!

Ricky: Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fuckin' fireworks! Come on!

[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]

Ricky: All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian: So, Luce, can I ask you something?

Lucy: Yeah, what?

Julian: What's up with this lawsuit thing?

Sarah: Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.

Lucy: I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.

Sarah: No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]

Ricky: Just a second, buddy.

[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]

Bubbles: Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.

Ricky: (to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fuckin' filming me in here.

[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]

Bubbles: The fuck are you filmin' him pee for?

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera.

[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]

Ricky: (to camera) Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]

Ricky: Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand-new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

Mr. Lahey: All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.

Bubbles: Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky: Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like 9 years old.

Lahey: Where's the five grand, Ricky?

Ricky: It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman: Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for a 'Ricky'? I have his encyclopedias.

Ricky: Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

Saleswoman: Hi, sweetie!

Ricky: So what's the damage?

Saleswoman: Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

Ricky: What? For a bunch of fuckin' books?

Saleswoman: Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Ricky: Oh no, shhshhshh no no no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fuckin' printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Lahey: Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Ricky: Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Lahey: Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the encyclopedia saleswoman]

Cory: Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissin' time, man! Right on!

Trevor: You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah: My God, Lucy let's... let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy: Ricky, you did the right thing.

Ricky: Let's fuckin' get this over with, Lahey.

Lahey: (unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!

Ricky: Jesus Christ...

Lahey: Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)

Randy: Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Ricky: Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Lahey a peck on the ass]

Randy: That's enough!

Trevor: I can't believe he did that!

Cory: Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

Trevor: I can't believe he did that! That's friggin' gross, right?

Lahey: (barely containing his laughter) Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy: Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Julian: Leave him alone.

Bubbles: Nobody really knows Ricky the way I do. I just hope he's all right after putting his lips on Mr. Lahey's bum.

[watching an episode of The Littlest Hobo]

Ricky: Every stop I make, I make a new friend...

Temporary Relief Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor[edit]

Ricky: I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over 2 years.

Bubbles: Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say...'Uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that.' I don't give a fuck.

Ricky: Knock knock.

Bubbles: Who's there Ricky?

Ricky: A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation

Julian: Putting you in an awkwardly situation?

Ricky: Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.

Julian: Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy: You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

Ricky: It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy: It's still my walkie!

Ricky: I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "it's my walkie now", second thing is "you're suspended", and the fourth thing was, "fuck off".

Mr. Lahey: Strike 3, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky: I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Mr. Lahey: Ricky..

[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]

Randy: You just crossed the line, Ricky!

[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

Donnie: WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

If I Can't Smoke and Swear, I'm Fucked[edit]

[Trinity runs up to Ricky's car, where he is sleeping on the hood.]

Trinity: Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!

[During a 'confessional']

Ricky: Trinity has got to quit smoking, like I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.

[Ricky is training Cory and Trevor to steal gasoline.]

Ricky: Unleaded: blue container; supreme: red container; diesel: in the green. OK? Are we clear here, guys?

Trevor: Yeah, but how can you tell which one is the supreme?

Ricky: (Breathes out heavily) What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Bubbles: Stealing gas? Why, Cory and Trevor, that's highly illegal, you shouldn't be stealing gas, Cory and Trevor.

Ricky: Yeah, it's fucked up to be stealing gas like Cory and Trevor, I don't want anything to do with Cory and Trevor's gas stealing.

J-ROC: Only wack suckas like Cory and Trevor steal gas...and deal dope.

Ricky: Simply went in to buy some patches for my daughter and all of a sudden my gun was out, which is no big deal, and he overreacts, freaks out, thought we were robbing the place. It's on fuckin' video camera, so since it's on video camera I decided that we should take a bit of shit. If we're gonna go to jail for robbing the place, I mean it's...[a dog starts barking in the background] Will you shut the fuck up, dog! [the dog yelps] gonna be, you know, in a place that looks like you robbed it, you might as well take some shit. That's the way it is. I'm not going to jail for not taking anything, for robbing a place. So we took a bit of stuff!

Judge: Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Ricky: Thank you, Your Majesty.

Judge: And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

Ricky: Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my Grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, and I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked! And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit! It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' mistrial.

Prosecutor: This man can't represent anyone...Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!

Judge: Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Ricky: Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.

[Ricky walks over to the prosecutor's desk and snaps his fingers]

Ricky: Let's go, smokes!

Prosecutor: But I've only got two left!

Ricky: I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me!

Prosecutor: Oh, for the love of God...

[Several members of the prosecution start to light cigarettes]

Judge: Just the defendant, please.

Ricky: My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face because it's distraculating my case.

Ricky: The defense rests, everybody can fuck off. Except you (points to the magistrate) I didn't mean you. But those two guys, and him (pointing to the prosecutor). (to cameraman) Could you guys get the fuck out of the way? Please!

J-ROC: There's two things mafuckas gotta know about J-to-the-R-O-C, straight up, you know what I'm sayin'? First of all, I spin more rhymes than a Lazy Susan and I'm innocent until my guilt is proven. Peace. Representin' Sunnyvale, straight the fuck up.

Who's the Microphone Assassin?[edit]

[Bubbles' Rap]

I got a grey kitty,a white one and a tabby too/

And a big orange guy who PUT snakes in my shoes/

Mad MC skills, leave ya struck, and I roll with ma kitties, and I'm hard as fuck/

I am down with Plato and Socrates/

And I like to get busy with all the ladies./

cunt, cunt/

somethin', somethin', somethin', somethin'/

Grunt/

Up in my SHED, up in my shed...yeah bitches

J-Roc: Turn that shit off, motherfucka! I was gettin' changed, you knowemsayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!

Bubbles: Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!

Ricky: Turn off the fuckin' camera. (to J-Roc) What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?

J-Roc: I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!

Ricky: Changed my ass, you were fuckin' crankin' it!

J-Roc: You non-knockin' mothafuckas!

Ricky: That was fucked.

Bubbles: That was a bit fucked.

J-Roc: It wasn't that fucked, you knowemsayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?

Julian: Listen man, I got some good NEWS for ya... get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.

J-Roc: A'ight. (pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he 'changed' with) Peace, Bub.

Bubbles: Don't touch me.

J-Roc: You ma-fuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was getting changed, right?

Bubbles: No! Christ, no.

Closer to the Heart[edit]

Ricky: Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like, "Gimme an R-O-C-K", and the crowd yells "ROCK" really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!

Bubbles: I'm not GIVING anyone a fuckin' R.

Ricky: Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how DIFFERENT sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.

Bubbles: Gimme a fuckin' R...

Bubbles: Lahey, will you please get the flyin' fuck out of our way! We gotta go get RUSH TICKETS!

[Ricky DRIVES the Shitmobile through the garbage]

Randy: Ricky!

[Bubbles gives Lahey and Randy the finger to the opening riff of "Limelight"]

[Randy over phone/radio after stealing Bubbles' answer and winning the Rush radio contest]

Randy: Holy fuck, Mr. Lahey, we won!

Ricky: What the fuck are you guys doing HERE? You following us or something?

Cory: Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?

Ricky: That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.

[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]

Ricky: There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!

Trevor: Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise MONEY and double it up, man. We can do it!

Julian: All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.

[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]

Cory: Nice!

Ricky: You SURE about this?

Julian: I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!

Cory: That's cool.

Julian: I think I can get us some dope, man.

Ricky: Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?

[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking GARAGE]

Ricky: How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?

[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]

Ricky: Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles: Ricky, you fuckin' promised me you'd get me a Rush ticket!

Ricky: It wasn't my fault, Bubbles. I'm sorry!

Bubbles: It is your fault! This could affect our friendship, you know!

Ricky: Bubbles, don't talk like that!

Bubbles: COCKSUCKER!

Bubbles: Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever THINK of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in '87?

Ricky: That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!

Bubbles: That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

Julian: Don't do anything stupid, Ricky.

Bubbles: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. He PROBABLY won't do anything stupid, Julian.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]

Desk Attendant: Welcome to the Prince Elliot.

Ricky: How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?

[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]

Ricky: Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to TALK to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.

Ricky: I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Alex Lifeson: LOOK, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.

Ricky: You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!

Alex Lifeson: I'm sorry.

(voice-over)

Ricky: He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to TALK to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'You can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off.

(end of voice-over)

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]

Alex Lifeson: Hang on a second, man! Hang on!

[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]

Ricky: Let's go. No fuckin' around HERE. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

Alex Lifeson: Come on, give me a break!

Ricky: Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.

[They walk into the lobby]

Ricky: HOTEL Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Ricky: I may have called him a male prostitute. I don't remember exactly, but he VERY well could be a male prostitute. You don't know that. But he got pissed off at me, saying 'Oh, you kidnapped me!' It wasn't kidnapping, so if he's gonna say I kidnapped him, I'm gonna call him a male prostitute.

Alex Lifeson: Where are we?

Ricky: The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?

Alex Lifeson: This is totally kidnapping.

Ricky: This is not fuckin' kidnapping!

Alex Lifeson: This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.

Ricky: I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!

Alex Lifeson: I don't do that KIND of stuff!

Ricky: Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this KIND of shit!

Alex Lifeson: Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Alex Lifeson: You are crazy!

Ricky: It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...

Alex Lifeson: You're gonna go to jail for a long time for this.

Ricky: No, I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?

Bubbles: Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and "stole" a human being!

Ricky: It's like a little rehearsal. You play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dreamworld or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playing your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Julian! I came THROUGH, buddy! Where's Bubbles?

Julian: He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...

Ricky: I got better than tickets. Check this out.

Julian: Ricky... Ricky...This...You're from Rush.

Ricky: Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is Ju... ah, Gord, uh, Downie. (to Julian) This is Alex. Hey, play 'I Like To ROCK'.

Alex Lifeson: That's April Wine.

Ricky: Well, play that Diane Sawyer song! Just fuckin' play somethin'!

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]'

Julian: I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

Alex Lifeson: OK. It's all right.

Ricky: Fuck that! Don't EVEN worry about him!

[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cabbie where to go]

Ricky: Fuckin' shove me...

Alex Lifeson: (to cabbie) I'm going downtown.

Ricky: You got enough money? Here's another $1.36 there, dicktree.

[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick them up]

Alex Lifeson: I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!

Ricky: Just get the fuck out of here, wouldja?

Julian: You fucked up big time.

[Alex GIVES Ricky the finger as the cab drives off]

Ricky: (to Alex) Yeah, fuck off.

Julian: Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

Ricky: He fuckin' started it.

Julian: No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?

Ricky: Julian, look. I fucked up and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better IDEA?

[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

Ricky: This is fucked up, Julian.

Julian: Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun man.

Bubbles: This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

Julian: You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Yes, I wanna see Rush.

Julian: Get down there. You want me to go next?

Bubbles: Please. What if SOMETHING gets me?

Alex Lifeson: Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage, DURING the guitar changes?

Randy: No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson: Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy: Never do.

Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson: Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

Mr. Lahey: He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the wintertime.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

Mr. Lahey: How did you idiots get in here?!

Bubbles: [to Alex] Hi, Alex.

Ricky: Don't worry about it, Lahey.

Alex Lifeson: Hey, I know this guy.

Bubbles: See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' t-shirt to PUT on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't CARE if you don't wear shirts.

Randy: I don't wear- [Bubbles attempts to put the t-shirt over Randy's head] frig off!

Mr. Lahey: Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the t-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

Mr. Lahey: [To the SECURITY guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

Donny: [off-screen] WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

Alex Lifeson: Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I THOUGHT we had a deal here! No cops?

Ricky: Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.

[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]

Randy: Alex, we're on in four...

Alex Lifeson: Oh, great.

Randy: I'm fuckin' tellin'!

[Randy RUNS out of the room]

Ricky: You fuckin' asshole!

Randy: Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!

Ricky: Fuckin' dicks...

Alex Lifeson: Guys, please. Gimme a break, HERE. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!

Ricky: What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Where in the Fuck is Randy's Barbecue?[edit]

Mr. Lahey: Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.

Ricky: (attempts to take the phone out of Lahey's hand) Give me the fuckin' PHONE.

Mr. Lahey: Ricky is a low-shit system-

(Ricky takes the phone out of Lahey's hand)

Ricky: Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'- ah, this fuckin' thing. (throws away the phone)

Julian: Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Mr. Lahey: Julian, I'm collecting paperwork and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you KNOW why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian. Like a shithawk. (to Bubbles) Like a shithawk. Come on, Randy. (walks off screen)

Bubbles: Julian, what's a shithawk? Some KIND of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?

Julian: Bubbles, shithawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Bubbles: Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

Julian: No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man. There's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that. Everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him. (walks off screen)

Bubbles: Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm LEFT here by myself with shithawks flyin' around, shitropes comin' after me. Shitty this and shitty that.

Bubbles: Check this baby out...that there's called the Super Double Bunk BQ...built that myself...like to see that Red Blue Green cocksucker put one of THOSE together...Duct-taping it.

Bubbles: Ricky, those laws are there to protect kids, not to allow goofballs like you to put them in a car with no door on it and drive around the fuckin' neighbourhood stealin' barbecues!

Ricky: What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you LOOK like Indianapolis Jones?

Mr. Lahey: It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy: No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Mr. Lahey: We were practicing, Randy.

Randy: It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

Mr. Lahey: Randy...

Randy: We're consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is...is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Mr. Lahey: (quietly) Randy, please.

Randy: And I don't CARE. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun...and that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!

Ricky: (shocked) What?

Randy: Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Mr. Lahey: Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody...I'm gay.

[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

The Delusions of Officer Jim Lahey[edit]

Randy: I'm making Mr. Lahey some comfort FOOD. I picked these buttercups and froze them in ice cubes, I saw it on "Designer Guys"... great show!

J-Roc: Hey look T, it's Starsky and Gut!

J-Roc: I gotta question for you if you know what I'm sayin'. Free Willy, do cheeseburgers ever blow out of that blowhole of yours?

A Shit Leopard Can't Change Its Spots[edit]

Ricky: The fastest WAY TO GET MONEY is to steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances.

: Well Rick, looks like you cooked your shit goose this time, doesn't it?

Mr. Lahey: See this LINE?

[Lahey draws a line across the ground with a stick]

Mr. Lahey: That's the freedom line, Ricky. You come back over that line, and you go to jail.

Ricky: Uh? Like what, like this?

[Ricky continuously goes back and forth over the line]

Ricky: Like that? Am I going to jail now? Huh?

Ricky: Once a criminal, always a criminal, huh? That's what everybody thinks? Cause if that's the case, I might as well just march my ass back to jail. Where it's nice and warm. I'm gonna spend the fuckin' winter there, getting drunk and stoned, with good dope.

Mr. Lahey: Is that the end of the great Sunnyvale Trailer Park eviction speech, Ricky?

Ricky: Actually, it's not. Hope you're fuckin' proud of yourself, cause the end of my speech is POINTS middle finger at Lahey) fuck you, (points middle finger at Randy) fuck you, (points middle finger at Erica) fuck you, (points middle finger at Julian) fuck you, fuck everybody!

Julian: Ricky, don't worry about this stuff, okay? Cory and Trevor, they're going to get the money. So smarten up, man. Enough of this crazy shit, Rick.

Ricky: You just don't get it, do you?

Julian: What?

Ricky: Have fun on your little cop cruise, all right? Just remember what you gave up: A fuckin' guy that you could get drunk with, get stoned with, didn't ask any fuckin' questions about nothin', just hang out and have a good fuckin' time. We broke the law here and there, we made what we did to get by. Just remember, you gave that up for a fuckin' girlfriend, buddy. A fuckin' cop girlfriend. I KNOW I won't forget it. Thanks a lot. (to Bubbles) Sorry, buddy. You have a good time on the cruise. You deserve it. Everybody else can fuck off!

Bubbles: That was a good speech, Ricky.

[Ricky stops at a gas station with a cigarette]

Jacob: EXCUSE me, sir. Could you please step 20 feet away from the pump and extinguish your cigarette?

Ricky: Can you please fuck off? Thank you.

[Ricky stops at a Tim Horton's parking lot and climbs on top of his car, trying to get arrested]

Ricky: Hey everybody! Come on over here, please? [Ricky grabs a few people's attention] I just want you guys to know that I am drunk as fuck, driving around town drunk, I'm on dope, and I want you to call the police. I wanna go back to jail. Please? [Ricky pulls out his handgun] Not only that, but I got a loaded hand gun right HERE. I'm gonna start firing this off. So please call the cops. [Ricky fires two shots as the people run away]

Ricky: "Closed for renovations"?! This is fucked!

[Attempting to distract Ricky]

Bubbles: Holy fuck, have you guys ever tried that dope-flavoured rum?

"The Darkest One" music video by The Tragically Hip (2003)[edit]

[Featuring the Trailer Park Boys]

[Video opens with Bubbles & Julian running over to Ricky who is passed out, face down in the driveway.]

Bubbles: Ricky! Ricky! Ricky, get up!

Julian: Ricky, get up!

Bubbles: Ah, he's drunk as hell, Julian! We gotta go steal a motor, Ricky.

Ricky: What the fuck are you talkin' about, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Gord's gonna give us some CHICKEN if we get him a new motor.

Ricky: How much chicken?

Gord: One bucket.

Ricky: One bucket, are you fucked in the head? I can easily fuck over like 10 pieces of CHICKEN...not one bucket.

Bubbles: Oh, we didn't know you meant one bucket. I can eat a fuckin' bucket myself.

Ricky: Alright, here's the deal...I want two buckets of chicken...I want some gravy, mashed potatoes, fries...

Bubbles: Yeah, macaroni salad...

Julian: Chocolate cake...

Bubbles: Warm buns, butter, coleslaw...

Gord: One... bucket.

Ricky: TWO buckets of chicken and a drive to the liquor STORE.

Gord: Deal.

Season Four (2004)[edit]

Never Cry Shitwolf[edit]

Bubbles: J-ROC! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-ROC. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?

J-ROC: Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, ma-fucka! Don't do that to me, you KNOW what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Come on, J-ROC! I'm in a jam. I got an idea... Two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?

J-ROC: Let me check this shit out...

Bubbles: (drops the hash) Shit! HANDS J-ROC the hash) Check that out.

J-ROC: Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin' ma-fucka... (smells the hash)

Bubbles: It's dirty blonde, though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...

J-ROC: All right, B. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles: Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on, my treat?

Julian: All right, all right!

Bubbles: And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?

Julian: Okay, THANK you!

Tyrone: Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some CHICKEN, man. Get me a quarter CHICKEN dinner, extra gravy.

DVS: Fa sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.

J-ROC: Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.

Bubbles: Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!

J-ROC: Oh, so now I'm like, 'you got my whip,' you know what I'm sayin', 'but I ain't got no chicken!'

Mr. Lahey: Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.

Ricky: Yeah? What's that, Lahey?

Mr. Lahey: My Grade 11.

[Bubbles walks up to Randy while playing guitar drunk]

Bubbles: (singing) Fuckin' Randy's GUT, it's full of dirty little cheeseburgers...

[bottle kids are walking down the street]

Ricky: (honks horn) Get over here you little f... NO NO NO NO NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, OK? NOWlisten up. I want you to hit lot 423, hit it hard, OK? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got two big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. (bottle kids run off) He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.

Mr. Lahey: Are you really this fucking stupid?

George GREEN: Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really TIRED of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes, because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?

Mr. Lahey: George, I know it looks like I'm off the-

[George interupts him]

George Green: Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shitwolf. Do you know what a shitwolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shitwolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.

Mr. Lahey: G-

[George interupts him AGAIN]

George Green: Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.

Mr. Lahey: George..

George Green: No. Say it Jim. Say it.

Mr. Lahey: Never cry shitwolf.

A Man's Gotta Eat[edit]

Danny: (off-screen) FOR FUCK'S SAKES RICKY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THE SATELLITE?! I PAID TEN FUCKIN' DOLLARS! I WANT MY FUCKIN' SATELLITE SIGNAL! JESUS CHRIST!

Ricky: Danny, chill the fuck out! I'm fucking trying HERE, it'll be back up in a bit!

Danny: FUCK YOURSELF!

Ricky: Calm the fuck down!

Satellite Employee: Look, if these satellite dishes aren't down in ten minutes, I'll have no choice but to CALL the cops.

Julian: Ricky, get the dishes off my roof. (to the employee) Listen man, I just got out of jail, don't be calling the cops.

Satellite Employee: Dino, take 'em down now!

Julian: Ricky, get the dishes off my roof!

Bubbles: Dino, call Mr. Slate.

(Ricky STARTS to pull the dishes off the roof)

Bubbles: Aw Jesus, boys. Look out, I know what's comin'.

(Ricky throws the dishes off the roof)

Satellite Employee: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Ricky: I'll take every fucking one of these down on the fucking ground, is that what you want, you fucking retards?! You THINK I give a fuck about this stupid bullshit?! (throws a dish at the van's windshield)

Bubbles: That windshield was already cracked.

Ricky: [shoves a dish into the van through the broken windshield] There. They're in the fucking van, now leave.

Danny: TEN FUCKIN' DOLLARS! A MONTH!

Bubbles: Swish is this old, dirty, shitty-tastin', homemade fuckin' liquor that you can... oh, you can barely get her into you, but... my fuck, does it ever get you some drunk.

[Ricky approaches Bubbles while he's playing basketball]

Ricky: Bubbles, you REALLY fucked up this time, didn't you?

(Voice over)

Ricky: Well, Bubbles only plays basketball when he's really pissed off and stressed out so I knew it was a delicately situation that I approached, and, you know, I approached him like an adult.

(End of voice over)

Ricky: How'd you let things get so fucked up, anyway? You KNOW I can't do it, I'm stupid.

Bubbles: What the fuck did you just say to me, Ricky? How did I let it get fucked up? You know what? You can take your assistant trailer park supervisor job, and all your EI papers, illegal mortgages, VISA statements, and all that other bullshit that I'm involved in POINTS to Ricky's ass) and stick it right in there.

(voice over)

Bubbles: I told him to stick his JOB and all the papers and everything up his arse, and he didn't even know what I was talkin' about, and then I said Julian left and it's his fault and he still didn't know what I was talking about, so I just got pissed off and I quit.

(End of voice over)

Bubbles: I'm fuckin' quitting, that's it.

Ricky: Fine, fine, go ahead and quit, I don't care. But I can't give you your vacation pay until we GET PAID, you know that, when we grow the dope and we harvest it, then we get paid.

Bubbles: Well you can give me some chips in the meantime!

(Voice-over)

Bubbles: He owes me 260 bucks vacation pay, he won't fuckin' pay that so I figured a handfull of chips wasn't too much to ask.

(End of voice over)

[Bubbles grabs some chips from Ricky's bag]

Ricky: Put HALF of those back.

Bubbles: I'm actually takin' more, Ricky!

[Bubbles grabs more, Ricky pulls the bag away]

Ricky: Fuck off, Bubbles, seriously!

Bubbles: (showing Ricky the chips) Look at that.

(Voice-over as Bubbles eats chips)

Bubbles: They were chicken chips, and I don't even like those, but I don't GIVE a fuck.

(End of voice over)

Randy: You looking for a date? 10 bucks or 6 Dairy Queen coupons.

Ricky: Here's a little PIECE of hash, go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.

Randy: I can't get stoned, Ricky

Ricky: What do you mean? It's shitty work, everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, LAWYERS, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work.

Julian: You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?

Randy: Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky: (to a drunk, homeless Julian) You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got A JOB for you, it's gonna be perfect: Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.

Julian: (laughs drunkly) Assistant.

Ricky: That's right, buddy. 4600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straigten all the shit out man, things are gonna be cool.

[Randy overhears]

Randy: Hey Ricky, I'm LOOKING for work!

Bubbles: Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky: How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?

Randy: Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?

Ricky: No, Barb made these for me.

Randy: I want my friggin' burger, Rick!

Ricky: Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your JOB.

[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]

Ricky: Fuck off Randy!

Randy: Fuck you!

Ricky: You get the fuckin' CHICKEN chips-

[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]

Ricky: Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!

[Lahey sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to PERFORM oral sex on him]

Ricky: Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!

Randy: IT'S MINE!

Mr. Lahey: [in shock] Smokey!

[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy]

[Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]

Ricky: [in pain] Fuck! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!

[Ricky takes out his gun and STARTS shooting aimlessly]

Danny: WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian: What are you doing?! Give me that!

Ricky: I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!

Mr. Lahey: Randy, how could you do that?

Ricky: Jesus Christ!

Randy: Do what?

Mr. Lahey: What you were doing with Ricky?

Randy: I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.

Ricky: Is that a fuckin' bow and... You fuckin' shot me!

Mr. Lahey: It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.

Ricky: I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!

Julian: Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can CALL the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.

Ricky: That doesn't EVEN make sense, Julian.

Julian: It's even, Ricky.

Ricky: I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!

Bubbles: Hold still, Ricky.

[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]

Ricky (in more pain) AGHHHH! FUUUCK!

Julian: Get outta here!

[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]

Randy: Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!

Ricky: I NEVER said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!

Julian: Rick, go home!

Ricky: (to Randy) Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!

Bubbles: Everybody calm down! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Randy: Yeah.

Bubbles: Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my SHED. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Rub 'N Tiz'zug[edit]

TV Narrator: The Sasquatch: Fact Or Fiction?

Ricky: Those big hairy monsters, they're real, Trin. Look at that thing.

Trinity: No, they're not.

Ricky: What person ever moved like that in the history of people?

[Bubbles hears some rustling at his SHED door]

TV Narrator: ...is nocturnal by nature, so logically there would be relatively few sightings.

[Bubbles sees a hairy hand trying to unlatch the door of his shed]

TV Narrator: Yet there have been literally hundreds of sightings all across North America for generations now.

Bubbles: (mouths but does not vocalize) Oh my fuck! (grabs his PHONE and dials)

TV Narrator: Can all these people be wrong?

[Ricky's phone rings]

Ricky: Trevor, stop fuckin' calling me, I got no dope. Oh, hey Bubbs. Man, are you watching that documentary on Saskatchewans?

Bubbles: It's "Samsquamtch" Ricky, and there's one right outside my fuckin' door right now, he's trying to get into my SHED.

Ricky: (looks out the window to see the 'sasquatch' trying to break into Bubbles's shed) Holy shit, Bubbles, I see him. Don't scare him, those fuckers are worth a lot of MONEY. (cuts to Ricky sneaking up towards the 'sasquatch' and jumping on him) Got the cocksucker, Bubbles!

(Bubbles gets out of his shed and he and Ricky start hitting the 'sasquatch' with baseball bats)

Bubbles: Give it to the bastard!

Trinity: Get him, Daddy!

(the 'sasquatch' takes the bat from Bubbles)

Bubbles: Jesus, he took my bat. He took my- (gets hit by the bat) Agh! (raises his fist) Crank him, Ricky! (gets hit by the bat again)

Ricky: Bubbles, go get some tape, tape yourselves up, and we'll go steal some furniture for Mr. Fucking Selfish. Holy fuck, this cereal's good.

Bubbles: Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you FIGURE?

Julian: Massage...

Ricky: Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a USED furniture store or some shit?

Bubbles: Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks...

Ricky: Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.

Julian: We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna RENT them out by the hour.

Bubbles: Aw, that's greasy.

Ricky: That's really fuckin' greasy.

Julian: Yeah, it's greasy.

Bubbles: Gree-hee-hee-heasy.

Ricky: Holy fuck boys! Cyrus #1!

[The boys start vandalizing Cyrus' car]

Bubbles: It says "Dick" and there's an arrow POINTING right to Cyrus.

Julian: What do you think, Bubbs?

Bubbles: Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.

DVS: They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.

Bubbles: What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.

Julian: All right, all right, done. Three o'clock.

DVS: I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here, with the hos, homie.

J-Roc: Peace out, slingblade!

Bubbles: It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos!

J-Roc: Like, I'll go to fuckin' jail, you KNOW what I'm sayin', 'cause I'm hard, right? I ain't shook about goin' to jail. But it's like, I kinda like my freedom, too, at the same time, know what I mean?

Phil: What are you looking at my gut for?

[The drawers drop out of a dresser as they're stealing it from a hotel]

Bubbles: AW YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!

Julian: J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?

J-Roc: Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya KNOW what I'm sayin'?

Julian: Cyrus?!

Ricky: What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?

Cyrus: Well, well, well... (to Julian) If it isn't the big, tough Julianne, (to Bubbles) the Hubble-Bubble Telescope, (to Ricky) and Helmet Head.

Bubbles: (under his breath) Fuckin' call me a telescope...

Cyrus: Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dickweeds. (pulls a gun)

Ricky: Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?

Cyrus: (chambers a round) Why don't we fuck on?

Cory: (walks out of the trailer) Julian, where's the hand cream?

Cyrus: (takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand) I KNOW one of you dickheads did this to my car, 'cause you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.

T: You failed Grade 10?

Cyrus: (points his gun towards the Roc Pile) Fuck off! (points to his vandalized car) And what's this, 'I'm a fuckhead'? Huh?

Ricky: Actually, it says 'I'm fucked in the head', 'cause you are.

Sarah: Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

Ricky: I don't fucking know, they went home two hours ago. They told me.

Sarah: Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.

Donny: GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!

Ricky: Randy takes his pants off when he wants to fight. He can't fight in tight pants. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, LOOK the fuck out.

Cyrus: I bet one of you isn't even man enough, to knock this chip off my shoulder.

[Randy comes through the car door and marches up to Cyrus]

Randy: I am, Cyrus. And I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, you dirty bitch!

The Green Bastard[edit]

Julian: Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, OK? INSTEAD of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.

Ricky: Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor.

Julian: No, no, those plants are getting huge, Rick, OK? They're starting to scare me a bit.

Bubbles: I can't wait to start fuckin' hammerin' people! (shoulder-checks his shed door)

Bubbles: (as The Green Bastard) Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!

Ricky: You LOOK good, buddy!

Bubbles: Green Bastard!

Ricky: You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general DIRECTION and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?

Barb: Don't! Richard!

[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]

Barb: RICHARD!

Berney Sanford: My car!

Ricky: I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!

Barb: Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this!

Lahey: You're right Berney, he's the epitome (pronounced "epi-toam") of refractory!

Ricky: Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor HERE! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!

Berney Sanford: Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! (grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away)

Ricky: What the fuck do you wanna talk about?

Berney Sanford: You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the LINE with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. (clenches his fist) 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Bubbles: (as The GREEN Bastard) Cory Braidhead... He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH! (clotheslines Cory) Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?

Cory: Yeah, I'm fine.

Bubbles: I don't give a fuck, actually. (bodyslams Cory onto the mat) Get in here, Trevor! Come on!

Trevor: Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! (Cory sneaks out of the ring and they RUN away)

Bubbles: (puts his hand up for a high-five) Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

Donny: NO, YOU POUND SAND UP THE EYE O' YOUR COCK! CALM DOWN? YOU FUCKIN' CALM DOWN! WHO'S RUNNING THIS FUCKIN' TRAILER PARK?!

Conky[edit]

[opening monologue]

Bubbles: (talking to his cats) Listen up, guys. I need to TALK to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy... There's just so many of you around right now and I've been losing FOCUS because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. (sighs)

Ricky: (upon arriving at Bubbles' shed) Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants we know it'll get done.

Bubbles: (moans)

Julian: Shh. Listen.

Bubbles: (distressed moan)

Ricky: What the fuck's he doing in there?

Bubbles: YOU COCKSUCKER!

(the door flings open and hits Ricky in the face)

Bubbles: Oh my God, what happened?

Ricky: Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!

[at the 1st Annual Sunnyvale Trailer Park Bake Sale]

Lahey: (to camera) U.N. president J. Edgar Hoover once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do FOR YOURcountry."

Julian: Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!

Bubbles: No, it's not that bad, Julian!

Julian: No no no no, you let that toothache go way too long. HERE...

Bubbles: I can get 'er out, it's no pr...

Julian: No, open up, let me take a look.

Bubbles: No, it's no PROBLEM!

Julian: Let me take a look! Open up!

Bubbles: Julian!

Julian: Bubbles, open up!

Bubbles: (opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning)

Julian: Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy!

Bubbles: No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you KNOW that!

Ricky: You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles. You gotta go.

Bubbles: But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.

Ricky: Conky? Don't EVEN say that name! I hate that little fucker!

[explaining what "Conky" is]

Julian: In Grade 6, Bubbles made this puppet he called Conky.

Ricky: What a little asshole.

Julian: He took it with him everywhere. It was kind of like his confidant.

Ricky: His what?

Julian: Never mind. Anyway, we had to take Conky away because it fucked Bubbles' mind up big time.

Ricky: Yeah, it was like, EVEN though Bubbles was Bubbles, he was two people at the same time as being Bubbles. And you know, he'd try to act like this other person that wasn't Bubbles, but he was still Bubbles. It was... It was fucked.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles! I got something for you!

Bubbles: Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!

Ricky: (to the puppet) I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.

Conky: Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do... stupid!

Ricky: Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right NOW...(turns his attention back to the puppet) If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here...

Julian: No no no...(pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma.

Bubbles: What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't...

Julian: No no no, you're PROBABLY not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!

Bubbles: What's it like in a coma?

Julian: Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's OK to go to the hospital?

Bubbles: Conky, do you think...Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?

Conky: Well I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Ricky! (disturbed giggle)

Ricky: (to the puppet) Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

Nurse: Can I help you?

Julian: Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a LOOK at it.

Bubbles: No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.

Nurse: (to Ricky) I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. (to Julian) And is this gentleman with you too?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you MEAN, there's no smoking?

Nurse: (to Ricky) And what is your problem, sir?

Ricky: Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?

Conky: And he's fucked in the head.

Ricky: Conky-

Conky: He needs a brain transplant.

Ricky: (grasps Conky by his throat) I'm serious, you better fuck off.

Julian: (moves Ricky's hand away from Conky) Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky: You've been fucking with me all goddamn day HERE.

Nurse: Sir, let's all calm down.

Julian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ricky: You wan't a PIECE of me, you little dick? Huh?

Julian: Ricky.

Conky: Don't you touch me.

Ricky: (punches Conky in the face) Stop fucking LOOKING at me, Conky

Nurse: What is the gentleman's first name?

Julian: Bubbles.

Ricky: Fucking dick.

Nurse: And what is his last name?

Julian: Uh... just Bubbles.

Ricky: Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.

Nurse: Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?

Julian: ( POINTSto Bubbles) He lives in my shed, (points to Ricky) Ricky lives in his car.

Nurse: Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?

Ricky: I do have one last bit of information for ya. (sticks up BOTH middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand) This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?

(the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk)

Ricky : Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!

Julian: Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Ricky : The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car, you won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?

Conky: Nice going, Ricky.

Ricky : Fuck you, Conky.

(the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital)

Ricky : Fuck!

Orderly: Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.

Conky: Frig off, Washington. (to Ricky and Julian) Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!

Bubbles: Conky, please, just don't taunt...

Julian: Bubbs, Bubbs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?

Ricky: (pissing on the side of the hospital) Who can go fuck whose self? No, you fuck off, you little fucker!

Julian: Rick, who the hell are you TALKING to?

Ricky: Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off.

Bubbles: Ricky, you're hallucinating!

Julian: (pulls Ricky away from the wall) Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky... Ricky, you just pissed on me!

Ricky: Well, you pulled me away!

Julian: Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

Randy: (while pouring Lahey a drink) Are you SURE you want to use the community fund for this, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: The cat population in the park is Malthusian in scope, Randy. We have no choice.

[while waiting in the car for Ricky and Julian to get back]

Conky: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!

Bubbles: What's Lahey doin' here?

Conky: Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?

Bubbles: Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!

Conky: Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?

Bubbles: (submissively) Yes, Conky.

Conky: Good.

[at Sam Losco Veterinary Services]

Conky: Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like... idiot!

Ricky: Did you just CALL me an idiot, Conky, huh?

Conky: Maybe I did... Reveen.

Ricky: All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.

Conky: He's the fuckin' man they call...

Julian: Don't say it, Bubbles.

Conky: ...Reveeeeen!

Ricky: That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. (whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face)

Julian: Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.

Ricky: Yes I am.

Julian: Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go THROUGH the doll and kill Bubbles. GIVE me the gun.

Ricky: I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.

Julian: Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.

(Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand)

Conky: Oh, THOSE were excellent negotiation tactics you used... Patrick... Swayze.

Julian: That's not funny, Bubbles.

Conky: (sings to the tune of Unchained Melody) Oh my Julian, my handsome Julian Patrick Swayze, (Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face) you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancing.

(Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles)

Bubbles: Oh my God! Julian, what happened?

Julian: (hugs Bubbles) Sorry buddy, you were going crazy on us, man.

Sam Losco: Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.

Bubbles: Fuck off, Sam.

Ricky: Fuck, the cops are HERE, boys! I got an idea. It's pretty fucked up, but it might work, okay?

Bubbles: Is that dog pee?

Ricky: Yeah. Hold this, Bubbles. I say we got about a 10% chance of getting out of this one, boys.

George: (over loudspeaker) Attention! This is the police! Put down your weapons...

Ricky: Is that George Green, boys?

Bubbles: That's definitely George Green!

Ricky: Wicked! Okay, forget what I said! Our chances just went up to 95%!

[at Conky's "funeral" at the swamp]

Julian: All right boys, let's dump him in.

Bubbles: Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?

Ricky: No way, bad IDEA, Bubbles.

Julian: Come on, Bubs, let's go. (Julian leaves with a tearful Bubbles)

Ricky: (tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp) Fuck you, Conky.

If You Love Something, Set It Free[edit]

[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]

Ricky: Bubbles, hold the bernoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.

[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]

Ricky: I could need some HELP from you dicks, alright?

[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]

Ricky: You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and HELP us!

[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]

Ricky: Friggin' idiot.

Crew Member: Frig off, Rick!

Ricky: Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not EVEN gonna jump in.

[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]

Bubbles: Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!

[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]

Bubbles: Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]

Julian: Holy shit, boys, don't MOVE! So that's who's been eating our weed.

Ricky: You little fucker. OK, you guys stay HERE. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock, and choke him out.

Bubbles: Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.

Ricky: Why?

Bubbles: He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this, I know kitties.

Ricky: What if he has radies?

Bubbles: Ricky, it's "rabies", with a B, not "radies." And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See, he's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! (pets the mountain lion) Who's a good boy?

Bubbles: You look kind of French with your little mustache, there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good NAME for you.

Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go right? Remember the saying: if you love something set IT FREE?

Bubbles: I KNOW, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.

Ricky: This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but... I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there 'Steve,' or whatever the fuck your name is?

Bubbles: Steve French.

Bubbles: Julian, we found him!

Julian: Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.

Bubbles: He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs, Peterson's car!

Mr. Lahey: We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?

Ricky: What the hell are you TALKING about, Lahey, you idiot... (throws Lahey's bow over the fence) Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? (lights a cigarette) You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.

Mr. Lahey: You know what, Richard? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are... Gone. He who LOOKS into the abyss realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?

Randy: Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky: What does it mean then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?

Randy: Oh, I UNDERSTAND it.

Ricky: Oh you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! (pushes Lahey into the car) Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! (throws a net on Randy) And take your little net with you! (pushes Randy into the car)

Randy: Frig off, Ricky!

Ricky: Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta HERE! (slams the car door)

Bubbles: Shit abyss, I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.

Julian: Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and CALLS the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.

Ricky: What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?

Julian: Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?

Ricky: No.

Julian: Well, there's one there and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.

Ricky: Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you USE their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]

: Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? (Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper) Oh, shit! Trevor!

Randy: Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

: That's for fire, Randy!

Lucy: Ricky, get this cat outta HERE or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You KNOW, children, family?

Ricky: I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.

Lucy: You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?

Ricky: Actually, yes I do.

: The shit abyss.

Randy: Mr. Lahey, not another night of the shit abyss, please?

Mr. Lahey: Ah, fuck it.

Ricky: What's that fuckin' smell?

Julian: Keep driving, Rick.

Ricky: Steve, I know you didn't shit on my seat...

Julian: Nah, everything's cool, Rick.

Bubbles: Ricky?

Ricky: What?

Bubbles: Steve French pooped on the seat.

[After Bubbles EMOTIONALLY said goodbye to Steve French]:

Bubbles: Are you guys crying?

Ricky: [trying to hold back his tears] No, we're not fuckin' crying!

Propane, Propane[edit]

Sarah: Ricky. I just wanted to come and tell you that Corey and Trevor are NOW mine!

Ricky: Sarah I'm so SICK of your shit. I own Corey and Trevor and that's never going to fuckin' change!

Jim Lahey: Randy just doesn't understand. I mean I love him dearly but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna PUT up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint and then he turned into a shit bonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash the shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Shit waves.

Jim Lahey: *Drunk* Hey, Bubbles. I need a little (starts singing) Propane Propane. Time to start the game. Propane Propane.

Bubbles: Mr Lahey.. You're pissing yourself.

Workin' Man[edit]

Lahey: Tick-tock, tick-tock. Shit clock's tickin', Rick!

Rita McNeil: *singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana*

Ricky: What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?

Bubbles: Ricky, you're FORCING Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!

Rita Mcneil: *handing a dope plant to Ricky* Here's a good one, dear.

Lahey: You are the dumbest cop on the force, George. The dumbest.

J-Roc: Ricky, what the fuck happend to your head, man?

Ricky: Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happened to YOUR head? Why you wearing a wig, J-Roc? That's fucked.

J-Roc: Yo I ain't J-Roc, that muthafuka's in jail

T: Yeah, that's not J-Roc, J-Roc's in jail till the album drops!

J-Roc: That's right, T.

Dear Santa Claus. Go Fuck Yourself (2004)[edit]

Lucy: Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little SOMETHING. A mistletoe belt buckle.

Lucy: (confessional) I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a... It's a mistletoe belt buckle.

Bubbles: You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so... It's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky: There is NOTHING better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! (To other prisoners) Let's get fucked up!

Guard: Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.

Ricky: What are you talking about?

[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]

Ricky: Bubbles! What are you doing HERE, buddy?

Bubbles: Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!

Ricky: What?

Bubbles: Get your stuff!

Ricky: No, Bubbs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.

Bubbles: Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we getting you out! Sign out!

Ricky: Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.

Ricky: I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to SOMETHING, I fuckin' know he is!

[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]

Ricky: Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!

[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]

Ricky: I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! KEEP him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!

Ray: So tell me, buddy... What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?

Ricky: Dad, not this shit!

Ray: Not shit, Rick. I'm TALKING about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...

Ricky: No...

Ray: Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?

Ricky: Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is... is supposed to... always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to MAKEhimself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.

Ray: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're, you're, you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?

Ricky: Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' dis jail.

Ray: I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm TALKING about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!

Ricky: Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.

Ray: Huh?

Ricky: The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.

Ray: To Santa Claus, Rick?!

Ricky: Yeah, the big guy.

Bubbles: The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.

Ray: Ricky, come on, you KNOW Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?

Ricky: Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same PERSON. Right, Bubs?

Bubbles: No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.

Ricky: What?...

Ricky: Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?

Ray: Ah, Jesus Ricky!

Ricky: But it'd piss him off!

Ray: Well, yeah, Ricky but... Man!

Ricky: You never mixed that up?

Ray: No!

Ricky: Bubs, you NEVER mixed that up?

Bubbles: No, Ricky. I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait NOW. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?

Ricky: Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?

Ray: No! Rick, no.

Ricky: Well that's fuckin' bullshit! Well I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!

Ricky: Great! Christmas is fucked!

Julian: Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!

Ricky: Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...

Bubbles: (laughs) Nerds!

Julian: What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!

Cory: You want one of these ones, er...

Julian: Just grab a fuckin' tree!

Ricky: Hey! Nerds! Let's go!

Trevor: Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!

Ricky: You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there TWO nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! God damn fuckin' nerds!

Randy: Hey! Do you like to party?

Barb: EXCUSE me?

Randy: Do you like to party?

Barb: Oh my God! Randal? Are you a male prostitute?

Randy: Barb Lahey?

Barb: You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!

Randy: No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work CONSTRUCTION down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.

Barb: Randal...

Randy: Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.

Barb: Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy: Simon?

Barb: No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while. Just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.

Lahey: Staying with us...

Barb: Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church! You just, um, you just MAKE yourself at home, Randy.

[Barb walks out of the room]

Randy: Simon, you're married?!

Lahey: Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

[exterior transition shot of the park, a dog is barking]

Woman: Shut the fuck up!

Man: Brenda, you shut the fuck up!

Ricky: The fuck was that?

Bubbles: Take a guess! What are sirens USUALLY bolted to the roof of?

[Police officers arrive at the trailer park to confiscate stolen Christmas trees]}

Officer Cliff: Would anyone be willing to tell me who they bought their Christmas tree from this year?

Danny/Donnie: I DON'T KNOW... WOULD ANYONE HERE LIKE TO SUCK MY COCK?

Ray: Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.

Ricky: Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to MAKE SOME MONEY!

Ray: Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.

Julian: Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church...

Bubbles: I'm not going to church. I have no INTEREST in going...

Ricky: Dad, I gotta sell my dope...

Ray: WAY IT GOES! Way it goes, boys.

Lahey: If I can't play, Randy, no one can.

[Lahey shuts off POWER to the trailer park]

[Jamie puts a record on]

Jamie: Tyler, have you ever tried marijuana?

Tyler: I don't know, Jamie. Marijuana's pretty hardcore.

Jamie: No it isn't. Everybody's doing it. I THINK we should try it.

[Jamie lights up a joint as the power goes out; the sound of the record slows down to a stop]

Tyler: That sounded pretty cool.

Bubbles: My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to PUT you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no PROBLEM, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.

Season Five (2005)[edit]

Give Peace a Chance[edit]

Ricky: I saw Director's Cut, that was fuckin' awesome.

Bubbles: Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the NAME of the movie.

Terry: Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?

Dennis: Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? All right? Everything is under control. Fuck, j-just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'...

Terry: Don't POINT the fucking gun at me!

Dennis: Put the fucking guns down!

(As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally POINTS the gun at their grandmother as she's walking by with snacks, unaware of-or ignoring-what's going on)

Dennis: Don't point the gun at my grandmother!

Julian: I'm just taking a look at it!

(Julian and Ricky are having a stand-off with Cyrus)

Cyrus: And give me those fucking guns too, boys! I gave those to Terry and Dennis for their birthday.

Julian: Guess what?

Cyrus: What?

Julian: (waves the gun in his face) This is my gun now, so fuck off!

Cyrus: No, you fuck off!

Julian: No, you fuck off!

Cyrus: No, you fuck off!

Ricky: Cyrus, you fuck of first and then we'll fuck off!

Bubbles: Ricky, just everybody- we'll all fuck off at the same time, calm down.

Ricky: I'm not fuckin' off.

Cyrus: Well then I guess we're at a fuckin' stand-still, aren't we Ricky?

Ricky: Yeah, I KNOW how to fix that.

Cyrus: How?

Ricky: Fuck off!

(upon seeing his shed piled with liquor bottles)

Bubbles: It's a liquorlanche!

Ray: Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big-time, OK? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big-time. They took all your MONEY, it's all gone, you don't own the park, everything is fucking gone. They took everything, boys.

[brief pause]

Ricky: [dumbfounded] Dad, I don't know if I understand you right HERE. You're saying Cory and Trevor...th-they fucked up?

Ricky: (to Lahey when he says he's sorry) Oh, you're fuckin' sorry are you? What do you wanna do, play a big song on the Magdalene? (imitates someone playing a violin with a bow) You're fuckin' sorry? Bullshit you're sorry. (Ricky appears to be confusing a mandolin with Mary Magdalene).

The Shit Puppets[edit]

Ricky: I'm sick of looking after everybody. I MEAN right now, I mean, everyone's at my Dad's place. Fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself then good 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.

Bubbles: Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...its obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean obviously she used our money to buy them anyway so, if you think about it, I sorta own one-third of them.

Ricky: ACTUALLY, Sarah, let's go with the milk.

Sarah: "Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?

Ricky: Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?

Sarah: Why, so that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?

Randy: Why'd you let them go, Mr. Lahey?

Lahey: Because they're my little shit puppets Randy, PERFORMING in our shit play.

Randy: I don't understand, sir.

Lahey: You will, Ran. You will.

You Got to Blame the Thing Up Here[edit]

Ricky: Well I was plannin' on takin' the blame, cuz I MEAN there is a pretty good chance that I did it. Well, I mean I did do it. But Bubbles took the blame, so once someone takes the blame, whaddya do? I couldn't take it then, he had already taken it.

Ricky: Fuck off, dog.

Jim Lahey Is a Fucking Drunk And He Always Will Be[edit]

[Ricky is cooking bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]

Ricky: Hey, Dad!

Ray: Hey, buddy.

Ricky: Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.

Ray: Smells good, buddy.

Ricky: There's only 3 pieces left, but I'll GIVE it to you so long as I can have the grease.

Ray: You can have the grease, buddy.

Ricky: Cool.

Ray: Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.

Ricky: Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?

Ray: I'm TALKING about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, NOTHING to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.

Ricky: Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.

Ray: Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.

Ricky: Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?

Ray: I don't...What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.

Ricky: You want some fuckin' bacon or not?

Ray: Yes, Rick. I do. Rick, there's another POINT: We should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you THINK the bacon came from, Rick?

Ricky: From a cow.

[Bubbles smells the bacon cooking in his sleep]

Bubbles: Yes, can I order pancakes please...with syrup...and...butter...bacon...hash browns...toast...with...butter...

[A cat meows, waking him up]

Bubbles: Aw, fuck! That was gonna be delicious!

Ricky: Hey, Bubbs.

Bubbles: Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?

Ricky: Only had a few PIECE, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.

[Bubbles looks to Ray, Ray shakes his head no]

Ricky: I'm doin' BREAD heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?

Bubbles: Of an old bread heel?

Ricky: Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.

[Ricky holds out the pan, Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease]

Bubbles: You do it, too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?

[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]

Bubbles: It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?

Ricky: A little bit left in that.

[Ricky HANDS Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor; Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face, he hands it back to Ricky and Ricky downs the rest]

Ricky: You still pissed off?

Bubbles: Well, kind of.

Randy: I can't believe Trinity was throwing bottles, Mr. Lahey.

Lahey: Shitapple.

Randy: Well, it's... it's a little bit stressful, you know? I MEAN, Mr. Lahey's been doing really good. He hasn't had a drink since the day that he tried to kill Ricky and he had about 49 drinks that day. But lately, you know, he's been TALKING about liquor and calling me 'Bobandy' which he normally only does when he's drunk. So, just the thought of him drinking again, it scares the shit out of me.

[Over a DEPARTMENT store loudspeaker]

Ricky: Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department. Mr. Lahey and Randy to the Fuck Off Department and hurry the fuck up! Thank you.

[After getting caught stealing a rocket kit from a department store]

Ricky: I want to press charges, number one, for the front door out there. It's dangerous and I could have been killed going into the store.

Mall Cop: You can press charges when the cops get HERE. They're on their way.

Ricky: All right, I will. We don't need to call the cops, I mean, you guys are smarter than real cops. You guys are mall cops! Why do we need real cops?

Ricky: The fake cheque trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure out how much something costs, you just fill out one of the old man's cheques like this, and that way if you get caught, you just say everybody who's gonna pay. I mean, mall cops are REALLYdumb compared to real cops, it's gonna be easy. In the worst case Ontario, if you get caught, you just cancel the cheque. You never have to pay. It's awesome!

Mall Cop: All right, I'm gonna have to get some names, here.

Trevor: I'm Cory Lahey.

Cory: Um, Trevor Lahey.

Mall Cop: Are those your real NAMES, boys?

Trevor: Yes, sir.

Mall Cop: Are they really?

Trevor: No...I'm Trevor and he's Cory. We were lyin'.

[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]

Bubbles: What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!

Ricky: No way! Fuckin' decnals, man! Check those out!

[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]

Julian: Drinks, boys! Drinks!

[Ricky takes the dog dish]

Ricky: Well let's make toast, boys!

Julian: To a good fuckin' time today.

Bubbles: This is a good time! (takes a drink) I'm gonna go PUT my spacesuit on boys, then lets get this dirty cocksucker in the air!

Ricky: Aw, man, that is fuckin' cool! Nice decnals!

Ricky: Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.

Bubbles: Come on, Ricky, LOOK at this! This is awesome! Mission control this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.

Julian: Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.

Bubbles: Try some, Ricky!

Ricky: (sighs) Breaker breaker, come in Earth. This is rocket ship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbinator in engine NUMBER 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over... How's that buddy? I don't fuckin' know!

Bubbles: Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!

Randy: Hey, boys! We got a complaint that someone was gettin' high and drunk and playin' space in the middle of the street!

Ricky: Yeah, US! I'm fuckin' stoned right now! You got a problem with that?

Bubbles: You guys wanna stay and watch? You wanna see a rocket go, Randy?

Randy: Does it REALLY launch, Bubbles?

Bubbles: Does it really launch? Does the Tin Man have a sheetmetal cock?

Ray: Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and eleven fifteen? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.

Randy: Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray!

Ray: Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' EVERYONE he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk and he always will be!

[Randy grabs Lahey's WATER bottle]

Randy: Gimme a drink!

Lahey: Randy...

Randy: Gimme a drink!

Lahey: Let it go, Randy!

[Randy lets go of the bottle and it splashes all over him as Lahey pulls away; Randy puts his tongue to the liquid that spilled on his HAND]

Randy: It's vodka!

Lahey: 131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!

Lahey: You just opened Pandora's shitbox, Ray!

Don't Cross the Shit Line[edit]

Ricky: I mean...nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli...but...I did. I'm ashamed of myself. The first can doesn't count. Then you get to the SECOND and third. Fourth and fifth, I THINK I burnt with the blowtorch. And then I just kept eatin'.

The Winds Of Shit[edit]

Ricky: Dartmouth Regional Vocational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I THOUGHT we were going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vocational school.

Julian: Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.

Ricky: Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta- fuck.

Julian: Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky: I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.

Julian: This is the perfect PLACE to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.

Bubbles: You'll do alright, Ricky.

Julian: Think about this, think about your daughter, think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man Come on, let's go.

Ricky: Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7.

(voice-over)

Ricky: Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fucksakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big-smart-thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break in to the school, if there's MONEY in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honourly system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good.

(end of voice-over)

Ricky: Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. THINK about it, I'm stupid.

Julian: Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one REASON and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.

(voice-over)

Bubbles: There's two ways to LOOK at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs and Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances, he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.

Ray: Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again?

Julian: What's wrong with reading books?

Ray: NOTHING wrong with reading books, but there's only one book that counts, it's the Bible. It says to help your friends.

Julian: Does it say anything about you ripping off INSURANCE COMPANIES, pretend you're in a wheelchair, then getting caught drunk dancing with hos making porn flicks?

Ray: It's open to interpretation Julian, it's the Bible.

Mr. Lahey: You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?

Bubbles: No.

Mr. Lahey: Measures the shit PRESSURE in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.

Ricky: (off-screen) What the fuck are you going on about?

Mr. Lahey: Can you hear it?

Bubbles: No, I don't hear anything.

Mr. Lahey: Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the old shit barometer rises and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit PRESSURE. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend... shit winds are a-comin'.

Julian: Holy shit, look at all the books!

Ricky: Fuck off with the books, Julian. I'm serious.

Dressed All Over & Zesty Mordant[edit]

Ricky: Why don't you suck my cock, Trevor? How 'bout that, you skinny little fuckin' weasel?

Ricky: Hey, Trevor, knock-knock.

Trevor: I'm not gonna say, "who's there," Ricky.

Ricky: You just did, you fuckin' idiot.

[Ricky rips off Trevor's pants]

Ricky: (notices the LARGE amount of shopping carts) Nice! Where'd you get all the carts?

Bubbles: I don't know what Julian did down there, Ricky, but it's a GOLD mine down at the mall.

Mr. Lahey: Hello, gentlemen! Hey, Jules. Having a little drinky-poo? Tasty, isn't it? Couple of drinks on a hot day.

Randy: We're just HERE to do the lot water tests, boys.

Mr. Lahey: Randy. We're just here to do lot water tests, boys. It'll just take a sec.

Julian: Lahey, I live in a tent.

Bubbles: I have a shed, Lahey. I don't have water.

Ricky: Listen here, Captain Drunkity-Cock, none of us have WATER, so we don't need any of this crap. (takes the testing equipment out of Randy's hands and throws it away )

Mr. Lahey: Ricky! Destruction of property, Rick.

Randy: Barb says we got full authority to do tests.

Ricky: Yes, Randy, you're right. I'm sorry. You do have full authority... to fuck right off and fuck off good, okay? And you can fuck off too, Mr. Lahey.

I Am The Liquor[edit]

Mr. Lahey: That video game is the key to Shitty City, Randy, and Julian is muscular mayor.

Mr. Lahey: Randy... I got $100 HERE for groceries, I got $1400 here for liquor, and I got $6000 for you to go and bail out a couple of shit puppets. We might need a couple of more shit puppets for our play, and they gotta be angry shit puppets, Randy. And you gotta MAKE em angry shit puppets, and you say whatever it takes to make them angry, but they're not angry at us Randy. Shit puppets are supposed to be angry at other shit puppets... take the bus.

Randy: Mr. Lahey, they could kill one another.

: Wouldn't that be nice?

Randy: Yeah, but we can't be involved with murder.

Mr. Lahey: (confidently) Exactly, Randy.

Randy: Mr Lahey, is this you talking or the liquor?

Mr. Lahey: Randy...

[Lahey takes a big sip out of his liquor bottle]

Mr. Lahey: I am the liquor.

The Shit Blizzard[edit]

Trevor: But Julian, this is a pirate's gun.

Bubbles: Well Trevor, I guess that makes you Long-John Dickweed, then.

Mr. Lahey: You feel that Randy?

Randy: What, ?

Mr. Lahey: The way the shit clings to the air.

Randy: What ?

Mr. Lahey: Randy, my boy, it's ALREADY started.

Randy: What's started, Mr. Lahey?

Mr. Lahey: The Shit Blizzard.

Cyrus: What the fuck is that?

Dennis: I think it's a giant cock and someone's riding it like a cowboy.

Terry: Is that you, Cyrus?

Cyrus: Can't you fucking read, Terry? That's my name with an arrow pointing at it!

Cyrus: Cory? Trevor? You guys okay?

Trevor: Sorry Cyrus, we're okay!

Cory: Sorry dude, I think we fucked up!

Cyrus: (chambers a round) Well, how 'bout we fuck down! ( BEGINSshooting at Cory and Trevor while the boys come from behind and open fire on him)

Donny: (off-screen) WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Cyrus: Is that the best you got, Bubbles?! (returns fire at the boys and Bubbles does the same to him as Julian rescues Cory and Trevor)

Ricky: Get the fuck outta HERE, Cyrus!

Donny: FUCK OFF WITH THE GUNS!

Bubbles: I'm out, Ricky! I'm out!

Ricky: (to Cyrus, Terry and Dennis) Get the fuck outta this park!

(Dennis and Terry appear and start firing at the boys while Julian shoots back, covering Cory and Trevor's escape)

Cyrus: Make me!

Ricky: I'll fuckin' make you! (to Bubbles) Holy fuck, I'm hungry. You got anything to eat, Bubs?

Bubbles: No, I got nothin' to eat, Ricky!

Ricky: You RELOADED? We gotta cover Julian.

Bubbles: I'm tryin' to.

(Julian appears, carrying Cory and Trevor over his shoulders)

Julian: Rick, help me get them in the car!

Ricky: Put 'em in the trunk!

Julian: What?!

Ricky: They're fuckin' bleeding! You know the rules!

Julian: Oh, for fuck's sakes!

Ricky: (to Cory and Trevor) You guys fucked up big time! In the trunk!

Julian: Shit, get in the trunk, boys! Let's go, let's go!

Ricky: Let's go! In the car, Bubs!

Julian: MOVE, move, move, move, move!

(the boys DRIVE off as Dennis and Terry fires at them with Julian returning fire)

Cyrus: Fuck!

(he, Dennis and Terry put their guns down)

Julian: Listen, boys.

Donny: WELL, DON'T FUCKIN' STOP ON MY ACCOUNT!

Julian: Alright, I think it's over. Let's reload just in case.

Mr. Lahey: Somebody's got to be on duty, George. Who's the officer in charge, George? Who's the officer in charge HERE?

George Green: I thought you were in charge Jim. Why aren't you on duty?

Mr. Lahey: (drunkenly) I've always been on duty, George. Always. I haven't been off-duty for 25 years. Never.

George Green: Ugh. You're so fucked Lahey!

[George TALKS to dispatch on his walkie]

George Green: Dispatch, this is off-duty cop George Green at Sunnyvale Trailer Park. You had a report earlier of gunfire. Disregard, there's nothing going on-

[Lahey aggresively grabs the walkie]

Mr. Lahey: Officer down! Officer down!

[Lahey throws George's walkie away]

Mr. Lahey: Sorry, George! You're a shitty cop, George. I want a real cop here.

Ricky: The thing with me is that I AM smart and I'm smelf, I'm self smarted, basically, by myself, basically from nature and smoking drugs and doing different things I've self… s… like self learned myself. And that's the whole difference I guess is that I don't need the books or the schooling type things. I just get everything on my own and because of that I'm alive right now. I mean, if I had read more books or tried to go on to college and different things like that I'd be dead right now, because people say books and college are for to be make you smarter, but they can also be for to be make you dead, which is what could have happened to me. My brain doesn't use enough oxygen because I don't have the whole thing filled with different stuff and if it was full-it's only part full-and that's why I'm alive right now. The guards are giving me here, you know-"read this book, try to get smarter"-but I'm like, all right, I'll pretend to read it but I'm not going to really read it 'cause my brain will be more full and if I have another heart attack I'm going to die...I just wanna get out of here now and spend time with Lucy and Trinity and get my family going again. Basically that's all that matters to me. They come to visit me a couple times in jail for the first time ever which is awesome. Lucy seems to be really digging me and LOOKING really good and I just wanna get out of here and see them, exercise a bit, maybe eat better and try to quit smoking. I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes first, and then, you know, work off the dope or whatever eventually...although, I don't know.


	36. Chapter 36 Cartoons Cartoons

Season 1[edit]

Mole Hunt [1.1][edit]

Archer: I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll rub...sand...in your dead little eyes.

Woodhouse: Very good, sir.

Archer: [pause] I also need you to go buy sand.

Woodhouse: Yes, sir.

Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer. Do you think this is a game?

Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game, and...

Krenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?

Archer: I assume you would be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock.

Krenshaw: Well, maybe I never get promoted...

Archer: ...and never will...

Krenshaw: ...because my mommy's not the boss!

Archer: And maybe you just got your face kicked off! [Archer puts his foot in Krenshaw's face] That is my foot in your face. Smell the embarrassme— [Krenshaw shocks Archer's foot with a golf cart battery]

Malory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!

Archer: That's not... a real place.

Malory: I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!

Archer: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.

Malory: Have I made myself clear?!

Archer: You're looking for the answer "yes"?

Malory: Yes.

Archer: Then yes.

Archer: There's my favorite section head!

Pam: I am dealing with the breakroom problem!

Archer: Oh, good, you caught the, uh, oh wait, I had something good for this... the... "Pita Predator".

Pam: You know what?

Archer: ...Sorry, let's just call it what it is: food rapist.

Pam: Not a pretty name, is it?

Archer: [to Pam] I'll throw these doughnuts on the ground so you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry hungry... [Pam abruptly shuts the door on Archer] ...hungry hippo.

Archer: What are you doing?

Cyril: Oh. Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stirfry for dinner on Friday.

Archer: Neat. Listen...

Cyril: [very excitedly] Guess what we call it!

Archer: "Stir Friday?"

Cryil: [long pause] Wow. That's actually better.

Archer: It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe.

[Later]

Archer: And after I gave you "Stir Friday!"

Cyril: Yeah, that is much better.

Archer: I know.

Archer: So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight... somehow.

Cheryl: Ooh, that would make me... uncomfortable.

Archer: Ugh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable!

[Archer and Cheryl are naked and on the floor of his apartment]

Archer: Just the tip?

[Archer is behind Cheryl now, who is on all fours]

Archer: Just the tip?

[Archer is waving an ice cream cone in front of Cheryl]

Archer: Just the tip!

[in the present]

Archer: How was I supposed to know you're lactose intolerant?

Cheryl: Because I kept screaming it!

[Later]

Cheryl: Are... are you gonna pay for your lunch?

Archer: Just the tip. [Pause] Actually, I don't have any cash on me. Could you... get it? I also need cab fare. Awww, Ugly Duckling. Bork Bork.

Archer: Well, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I need to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined I'll make you drink heavy cream, you... Carol!

[Archer zip-lines across to the roof of ISIS]

Archer: Wow, that was actually pretty easy! Thanks, new turtleneck! [rips his turtleneck] Aw, f— And thank you, duffle bag!

Archer: Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad.

[He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password]

Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest".

[He types in "Guest" and it works]

Archer: No way! It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.

Archer: Do not wind her up. That is a big gun and she is baby crazy.

Lana: "Baby crazy"?!

Archer: That's why I broke up with her.

Lana: You lying—! You sack of shit! I broke up with you because you're carrying around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!

Archer: See?! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!

Lana: You want to see crazy?!

Archer: No! I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!

Lana: I wish you'd been wearing one!

Archer: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit!

Lana: Cosplay enthusiasts!

Archer: What?

Lana: Wait! No! Shit!

[Krenshaw walks in on Archer breaking into the mainframe]

Archer: Hey! I was just talking about you, and about how this isn't what it looks like.

Krenshaw: Lot of that going around.

Archer: Yeah, it's an epidemic.

Krenshaw: For example, my real name is Kremenski.

Archer: Is that... sound... is that Jewish?

Krenshaw: It's Russian.

Archer: Um. [long pause] Russian Jewish?

Krenshaw: I'm the mole, idiot.

[Later]

Archer: Lana! Krenshaw's a mole! And his real name isn't Krenshaw, it's Kremenski. Definitely Russian! Possibly a Jew! Thoughts?

Kremensky: Picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without old Mommy Dearest.

Lana: [Held at gunpoint by Archer] JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!

Krenshaw: [holding Malory hostage, but suddenly pushes her away] What is wrong with you people!?

Archer: [shoots Krenshaw] Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand— [Malory hits Archer with her handbag] What's in there, buckles?

Malory: AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?!

Archer: Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait...

Archer: Johnny Bench called.

Cyril: Yep, see here? Kremensky just stole 50,000 from Archer's acount. Must have been doing it all along.

Archer: Apology accepted. Ass douche.

Cyril: Hey!

Archer: What?

Lana: [Points a gun at Archer] Call him that again.

Archer: Make me!

Lana: What?

Archer: What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.

Malory: [noticing doughnuts scattered across the floor] Oh, for heaven's sake... do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!

Training Day [1.2][edit]

Archer: So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...

Cyril: But your mother is, so...

Archer: But I wonder what Lana thinks about...

Cyril: Lana's not "need to know" this.

Archer: Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?

Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!

Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!

[Cheryl gasps loudly]

Cyril: Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl: It's Carol.

Archer: Wha— Since when?

Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.

Archer: Well that's just... Excuse us.

[Cyril and Archer walk away]

Cyril: What is this herpes business?

Archer: Bad joke. And a false alarm.

Archer: This is what a real field agent uses.

[Archer gives Cyril a new pen]

Cyril: The point is a lot finer than I prefer.

Archer: That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso... caine. [puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket] Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.

Archer: Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker.

Malory: Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

Archer: Oh my God, you killed a hooker!

Cyril: Call girl! She was a call girl!

Archer: No, Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

Cyril: Will I get to learn karate?

Archer: Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Cyril: When would you use an underwear gun?

Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? Or is she an... assassin?

Cyril: I don't know.

Archer: Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?

Cyril: Ah. How should I know?

Archer: Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?

Cyril: Ohh. Because they're assassins too?

Archer: Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.

Cyril: Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.

Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... no one's gonna bug you for a tip.

Cheryl: Hey, Pam, check this out.

[Pam looks at computer]

Pam: Holy shit snacks!

Malory: We have snacks?!

Pam: Holy hell, what happened to you?

Malory: Scatterbrain Jane...

Lana: Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a snack?

[Later]

Lana: Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a tampon?

Archer: I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like...

Cyril: Who? James Bond?

Archer: Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.

Cyril: So do something!

Archer: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.

Cyril: I could drive better than that.

Archer: So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.

Cyril: Oh no you are not. you are totally not...

Archer: I totally am.

Cyril: How did you know where I was?

Lana: When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.

Cyril: In my body?

Lana: Baby? Hon?

Cyril: No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.

Lana: Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?

Cyril: I do not.

Lana: You do not.

Diversity Hire [1.3][edit]

Cyril: Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.

Lana: Ha! Please...

Archer: What? You're black... ish...

Lana: "ISH?"

Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said "Quadroon!"

Lana: Imagine that!

Archer: You imagine it!

Malory: Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Lana: [about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?

Archer: Only that he's uncircumcised.

Lana: [Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that—

Archer: We touched penises.

Lana: NO! GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?

Archer: What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum—

Lana: That's not how it works!

Archer: Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.

Lana: Not your penis!

[Archer is hammering some paper into a shredder using a stapler]

Lana: What are you doing?

Archer: Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency skimps on a freaking shredder?

Lana: OK, fine, I can't prove anything right now.

Malory: That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?

Lana: What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?

Malory: You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?

Lana: I had not.

Malory: Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.

Lana: While I'm on what?!

Malory: What are you, deaf and racist?

Lana: I'm black!

Malory: Oh, put it back in the deck.

Cyril: Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.

Conway: Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.

Pam: And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.

[Archer throws up]

Pam: You get any of that in the trashcan?

Archer: No. I missed on purpose.

Conway: It's a silent submarine propulsion system called the "Whisper Drive". [...] This is Wilhelm Schmeck, inventor of the Whisper Drive. Yesterday, Schmeck went missing, along with the plans for the Whisper Drive. I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked right off Miami Beach.

Malory: Ugh, just what Miami needs... More Cubans.

Archer: Lana, call Kenny Loggins... 'cuz you're in the Danger Zone.

[Lana slaps Archer]

Lana: I want you to listen to me.

Archer: Then unperforate my eardrum.

Lana: Un... head up your ass.

[Archer and Conway are hugging after they completed their mission. Conway stabs Archer in the back]

Archer: Conway?

Conway: Yeah, buddy.

Archer: Are there more bad guys behind me?

Conway: Nope.

Archer: You dick.

Conway: You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern... Which is not my real name.

Killing Utne [1.4][edit]

Malory: And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.

Archer: You said no dates.

Malory: I said no such thing.

Archer: Well, your mouth did.

Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy!

Archer: Um, phrasing?

Malory: [to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.

Lana: Could we get off my fingers?

Cyril: Yeah, they are pretty big.

Lana: First time I've heard you complain.

Archer: All I've had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.

Dr. Krieger: [on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.

Cyril: Or with her.

Lana: [performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.

Cyril: She probably uses the metric system.

Pam: Yeah, what do they use—kilowatts?

Dr. Krieger: No. In this case, it would be pascals.

Cheryl: Hey, Europe: be gayer.

Malory: Lana, release him!

Lana: As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Cyril: I find your mannish hands disturbing.

Pam: I think they're kinda sexy.

Lana: Excuse me?

Cheryl: They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.

Archer: [as Malory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.

Malory: Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.

Archer: [as everybody laughs] Mother!

Cheryl: Wait, whose bed?

Woodhouse: It was always "don't ask, don't tell."

Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?!

Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down, sir.

Archer: What, at the table?!

Malory: Sterling.

Archer: Like people?!

Malory: Sterling!

Archer: What?! Look, he thinks he's people!

Woodhouse: [as everyone wonders what to with the bodies of Utne & Elke] I shall fetch a rug!

Malory: But they were blanks! Weren't they?

Archer: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.

Cyril: [carrying Torvald's body] I should be carrying her.

Archer: [carrying Elke's body] Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.

[All dialogue and action unseen]

Malory: All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.

Cyril: Wait, what?!

Malory: Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.

Cyril: But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.

Malory: Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!

Cyril: Oh, Jesus.

[Muffled gunshot]

Cheryl: Ew.

Malory: You're next.

Archer: God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.

Cyril: Shut up.

Malory: Come on! Everybody shoots!

Pam: Hey, I wanna go!

[Five muffled gunshots]

Malory: Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...

Archer: No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.

Malory: Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...

Archer: Wha... oh.

Malory: Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!

Archer: But this gun—it was a gift.

Malory: Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!

Archer: You don't know.

Malory: Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.

[Flick of a lighter, slight plume of flame]

Cyril: Oh, hot potato!

Archer: We still didn't get the UN contract.

Malory: Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!

Woodhouse: That smell takes me back—just like a Zambesi feast.

Pam: Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?

Malory: It would be weirder if you weren't.

Cheryl: Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.

Honeypot [1.5][edit]

Malory: Oh, all Hispanics look roguish.

Archer: [Wearing only a towel and baseball catcher's mask] WOODHOUSE! Do we have any lube? Like at this point even some olive oil would [finds his mother in the living room] help me get that drawer unstuck.

Malory: And don't even get me started on Miss Gillette.

[Meanwhile, at the office]

Gillette: [To Pam and Cheryl] She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.

Charles: Oh my god, you like... sneeze glitter.

Charles: What? Normal as opposed to gay?

Rudy: Implying that gay is abnormal?

Archer: Not abnormal, just... gay!

Charles: Yeah. Latino men, you take the bad with the good.

Charles: Oh my god, yes. Those NAZI uniforms?

Rudy: Hugo Boss!

Charles: Shut up!

Rudy: Swear to god.

Woodhouse: Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to hospital because she's, quote, "tripping balls."

Malory: Jesus GOD, Sterling, schoolgirls?

Archer: No! They're just costumes.

Malory: And I suppose that makes it better?

Archer: ...Doesn't it?

[Later]

Woodhouse: I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.

Archer: And I suppose that makes it better?

Woodhouse: Doesn't it?

[Later]

Malory: Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!

Maj. Nikolai Jackov: No, no! It was just merely incompetence.

Malory: And I suppose that makes it better?

Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Doesn't it?

Archer: Jesus, Krieger, you're still taping bum fights?

Krieger: No, now I'm into something... darker.

Krieger: I've developed a proprietary chemical compound which may come in handy. I call it Formula K.

Archer: And it makes you temporarily gay?

Krieger: I dunno. Just started human testing [whispering] by dosing Danny the Intern's coffee.

Danny the Intern: [in singsong voice] Danny is definitely feeling something!

Archer: I'll pass.

Krieger: Suit yourself. [Takes a pill] Just means more for me and Danny.

Danny the Intern: [singsong] Who is LOV-ing it!

Archer: Way the Christ out in the Everglades burying some Dominican guy's rooster!

Charles: Fun! Wha— Oh, you mean literally.

Ramón: Mamá always said, "Ramón, un hombre real debe saber cocinar." ["A real man should know how to cook"]

Archer: Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud?

Woodhouse: From the looks of it, and not to mention the lemur, I would hazard he's taking a personal day.

Woodhouse: Sir, the lemur bit one of the schoolgirls and she says she cannot go to the hospital because she is, quote, "tripping balls".

Woodhouse: I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.

Archer: Yeah, like I told you he would! You idiot!

Cheryl: I think that's hot, like somebody murdering me is so... intimate.

[Later, discussing her fetish]

Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?

Pam: I seriously think you're scary.

Cheryl: No no no no, like, a big, sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, "yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth", but instead he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, flurp, falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.

[Awkward pause]

Pam: Jesus Christ!

Charles: We bought those for him and if you throw them off the roof I will fly to New York and fling acid in your face.

Archer: Out macho a gay guy? Oh my stars!

Charles: Hmm, or you could be a sarcastic bitch your whole life.

Charles: Okay, we're off to get our scrotums waxed!

Archer: Yeah? Well, I'm dangerous and I'm going to win and GAY SEX!

Archer: So, are you two even really gay!?

Charles: As big ol' tangerines, yes.

Archer: How do you say "The Hulk" in Spanish?

Ramone: "El Hulk".

Archer: Gay.

Ramone: What? We don't have a word for "Hulk".

Archer: Do you have a word for "gay"?

Ramone: Gay.

Archer: Gayer! Jesus, Spanish! Our jobs aren't enough; now you gotta take our words?

Archer: [Stifling laughter] Woodhouse: he's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone. PROBABLY DEHYDRATED!

Skorpio [1.6][edit]

Archer: Cyril, c'mon. Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse up into fish food.

[Everyone gasps]

Archer: What? I said worst case.

Pam: You know, I think we're making some real progress.

Cheryl: Where, in opposite world? We're never gonna finish all this!

Pam: We could, if certain people would help!

Krieger: [Standing behind stacked cardboard boxes] I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.

Cyril: I moved in with my last girlfriend after four weeks!

Lana: What are you? A lesbian?

Pam: Why, would you be into that? Just curious... which was an odd word choice right there... and am I talking out loud...?

Pam: And that's the reason I never have sex with my coworkers. That... and no one ever lets me.

Krieger: I've had good results with ether.

Krieger: Every single noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me.

Pam: And I'm so open to that.

Krieger: Damn ass-hammered shit!

Cheryl: What?

Krieger: Benefits! I forgot to spend the balance in my goddamn flex account!

Pam: Are you "date-of-employment", or...?

Krieger: CALENDAR-YEAR!

Cheryl: Ouch.

Cyril: Well, that's just leaving money on the table. How could you forget that?

Krieger: I guess I was busy fantasizing Archer and Lana having intercourse!

Malory: But even though Cyril may be clingy...

Lana: Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.

Archer: [After being distracted by Lana in her underwear] Right, because you walked into Strippers Discount Warehouse and said, 'Help me showcase my intellect'!

Lana: Strippers Discount? Hel-LO! These-are-Fiacchi!

Archer: I think it's pronounced, 'Knock-off'!

Skytanic [1.7][edit]

Malory: Oh, shut up. And Cyril? Very eager to know why you're still here.

Lana: He was just-

Cyril: -just helping Lana get settled!

Archer: Trust me, Cyril, she already settled.

Cheryl: Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug, or two, you get inside me.

Cyril: Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.

Cheryl: I don't think that's how blimps work.

Cyril: Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid, naturally safe helium.

Cheryl: But I am liking the jamming imagery... [She rips open her shirt] and the killing.

Cyril: [To Pam, who's sitting nearby] And you are just going to sit there?

Pam: Yeah, until she tags me in!

Pam: So, you're ruining Cyril's life because, in your dream-the-impossible-dream world, it'll make Mr. Archer jealous?

Cheryl: Oh, Pamela, you read me like a poem.

Pam: Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?

Cheryl: I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?

Archer: Lana. Lana. LANA. LANAAAAAAAA!

Lana: WHAT?!

Archer: Heh heh. Danger Zooooone.

Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.

Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.

Lana: My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!

Lana: What would you say if I told you your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?

Archer: I'd say that's fairly classic her.

Lana: CAP-tain LAM-mers!

Archer: Nice read, Velma.

Malory: You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.

Lana: Cyril? With another woman? Malory, seriously. Look at me.

[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her, having sex, with Cyril choking Cheryl]

Cheryl: Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!

Cyril: Oh, my God, what am I doing?

Pam: [on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.

Pam: Wow, you are just a dog in a manger.

Cheryl: I don't know what that means, Pam. I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.

Pam: Oh, for the— It's called a dairy.

[Malory and Pam are standing over an unconscious Cheryl]

Pam: Cyril got in over his head and…

Malory: Jesus God, did he kill her?!

Pam: No. He ran from her, to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and…I kinda had to drown her in the tub.

Malory: So you killed her?

[Cheryl comes to, coughs up water and passes out again]

Pam: Apparently not. So…good news.

[Lana finds Archer running away from the bomb]

Lana: Where the fuck are you going?!

Archer: To get my turtleneck! I'm not defusing a bomb in this.

Captain Lammers: The stock price could only go up, they said. Well guess what?

Archer: Uh…it didn't?

Cyril: [Wearing a small purple robe] Help me, Archer! I think I'm losing it here!

Archer: Yeah, what gave it away, my mothers ro-WHY ARE YOU IN MY MOTHER'S ROBE?!

Cyril: I can explain this!

Archer: I don't think I want you to.

Archer: There's your bomber: Beardsley McTurbanhead.

Pam: God damn it! We're moving!

Cheryl: I know!

Pam: What happened to half an hour?!

Cheryl: I lied!

The Rock [1.8][edit]

[Cheryl walks in to find Cyril with his hand over Pam's mouth]

Cheryl: Cyril! Are you cheating on me?

Cyril: No. I'm just... uh... trying to get my muffin back.

Cheryl: No you're not!

Cyril: I'm not?

Cheryl: Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.

Cyril: That's... ah... good to know.

Cheryl: Do it! [Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor] And no muffin. See? Time lost is muffin lost.

Lana: What are you doing back there?

Archer: I don't know!

Lana: What, are you just hitting random keys?

Archer: Well, obviously!

[Lana and Archer are trying to equip for their mission while all the "Drones" are on strike]

Lana: Yes, we need a code cloner! Duh!

[Archer appears, wearing night-vision goggles and carrying shovels]

Archer: These were all I could find. I'm thinking: goggles, yes; shovels, I don't know how or why we'd use them.

Lana: [To Malory] So as you can see, we are completely unprepared for this mission!

Archer: [Wearing night-vision goggles and holding a shovel] Unless it involves night-shoveling.

Archer: Cyril. Cyril! CYRIL!

Cyril: What?!

Archer: I'm rescuing Lana, as usual!

Cyril: Hey, shut up!

Cheryl: I love that you know how to do that.

Krieger: And I love that I have an erection... that doesn't involve homeless people.

Archer: Frickin' ODIN.

Lana: How many are there?

Archer: About a gillion.

Lana: Dammit.

Archer: A gillion gay, little copy-cats.

Lana: What?

Archer: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see its potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!

Pam: Holy shit, you geeks are badass.

Job Offer [1.9][edit]

Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!

Archer: Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!

Lana: I blew jack shit!

Archer: Name dropper.

Archer: ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats... [He trails off as he realizes he's lost the target.]

Lana: Do you wanna finish that thought?

Archer: Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative-wordsy mouth?!

Barry: You'll know where to find us.

Archer: Oh yeah? And where's that? Uh...Dicktown?

Trexler: [after Archer hits a polo ball out the window] God, you're a natural! Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school, no doubt.

Archer: Yeah, 13 years' worth.

Trexler: 13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.

Archer: No, I loved it. Uh... made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway to a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.

Trexler: Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this?

Archer: Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.

[Cut to ISIS]

Malory: [drunk on absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?

Cheryl: Kind of a lot, actually.

Malory: Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.

Malory: I don't care if he's happy!

Trexler: Well, that's obvious.

Malory: Meaning what exactly?!

Trexler: Meaning who leaves a nine-year-old in a police station on Christmas?!

Malory: Eve! And he told you about that?

Trexler: Oh, we've had such great talks.

Malory: Fire him!

Trexler: Join him! Come work for me.

Malory: Have you lost your mind?!

Trexler: Every time I see you.

Malory: Fire him.

Trexler: Can't do it.

Malory: Can't or won't?

Trexler: Either?

Lana: No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.

Cyril: Well, gee, that's rather surprising.

Lana: You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.

Cyril: And really expensive, turns out.

Lana: No! Baby, I am putting you in the corner.

Lana: Telex. You got one in here?

Archer: Why? So you can smash that too?

Lana: No.

Archer: [Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!

Archer: Mother burned me?

Lana: Apparently.

Archer: Oh, my god, that's classic her.

Lana: You're both classic her.

Pam: Looks like Jonestown in here.

Malory: Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.

Pam: Too dead inside to read good news?

Malory: Is it my obituary?

Pam: Well, it's not that good.

Malory: And?

Pam: And…

Malory: And are you going to loom over me all day, like some sort of… henge?

Archer: Let's talk this out.

Lana: Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or—ooh!—maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!

Archer: Ex-boyfriend, I bet.

Lana: Oh, you think?!

Archer: Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.

Archer: [To Lana] Oh, OK! Then I guess just pout!

Dial M for Mother [1.10][edit]

Cyril: You've cheated on Lana plenty.

Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.

Pam: Two at the same time?

Archer: Yeah. They were sisters.

Pam: Sploosh!

Archer: You just destroyed my innocence!

Malory: Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were 13.

Archer: 12!

Cheryl: I'm sorry, Krieger, but it's over. So here's all your Creedence Clearwater albums back.

Krieger: And now, a sad moon is on the rise.

Cheryl: I know, devastating. But it's not you, it's your weak womany hands.

Krieger: They're not...

Cheryl: It's like being choked by a child. Which I thought would be hot, but...

Krieger: No, wait! I'll take steroids!

Cheryl: I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.

Major Jackov: [Discussing his plan to kidnap Archer] Turn him into, how you say, vole?

Russian Soldier: I think you mean mole.

Major Jackov: Ah?

Russian Soldier: Mole. Vole is also rodent but more closely related to lemming.

[Lana has learned of Cyril's multiple affairs during their relationship]

Lana: Okay, we've got the French chick, and Carol, and— anybody else, Ram-bone?

Cyril: Uh, no...

["Scatterbrain" Jane walks by the open office door]

Jane: Hi, Cyril. [laughing and coughing]

Cyril: Well...

Lana: Scatterbrain Jane?! Really?

Cyril: Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Lana: Oh right, I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.

Cyril: Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.

Lana: Yuuup.

Krieger: [as his mechanical robot hand chokes Cheryl] Oh, God! Sorry!

[He shuts the hand off]

Cheryl: What are you doing?!

Krieger: I thought you said "start slacking off."

Cheryl: Not "slacking off"!

Archer: Hey! Kidnappers! Super not in the mood for this right now!

Cyril: Why are you even here?

Ray: Hello... [holding up number to bid on sex with Lana]

Cyril: But you're gay!

Ray: Girl, please, nobody's that gay.

[After Pam is sobbing about no one in ISIS wanting to have sex with her]

Lana: [Sighs] Get on the desk.

Pam: Really?!

Lana: Yeah, come on, before I change my mind. But you CANNOT SAY A WORD.

Pam: I won't tell anybody!

Lana: No, honey, I mean during...[Takes off her belt] 'cause I'm going to pretend you're Alex Karras

Season 2[edit]

Swiss Miss [2.1][edit]

Archer: I know, right? Totally McQueen!

Archer: You seriously have to get out of here before the cops come... Or wait, what do you have in Switzerland? Some kind of pikemen?

Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

Anka: In many ways, yes.

Archer: Fuck you, Switzerland.

Lana: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Archer: Well, obviously before; after was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

Archer: I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire.

Anka: Are you insane?!

Archer: No. Just incredibly pissed off!

Anka: That's no fun, then you don't get to squirt that hot white cream all over your face!

Archer: Why aren't you with Gillette?!

A Going Concern [2.2][edit]

Cheryl: Trust me, you can't control a person's heart.

Krieger: You can with a little thing I call a deep cycle marine battery. [pause] Or LSD.

Cheryl: Is that what you've been giving me?

Krieger: ...Yes.

Cheryl: I just thought they were breath strips!

Barry: ...So don't try to do anything stupid.

Archer: I don't have to try [pause] Shit, whatever. Move. [walks away]

Cyril: These are from a doctor!

Cheryl: So? Krieger's a doctor.

Cyril: Not the medical kind!

Krieger: Not even the other kind, technically.

[Krieger demonstrates the mind control chip in a rabbit]

Archer: Freaky!

Krieger: You wanna know what's freaky? Guess what I already named that bunny.

Archer: Rabbert Klein?

Krieger: Wow. That's... actually better.

Archer: It's all yours.

Archer: [talking about a mind control chip placed in a rabbit] Can you put it in a person's brain?

Krieger: [pause] It'd suffocate...

Archer: Not the rabbit, idiot; the chip.

Krieger: Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Archer: Without killing the person?

Krieger: Oh. [pause] Maybe?

[Archer is explaining the plan using dolls on a floorplan of ISIS]

Archer: Why do we have so many damn dolls?

Pam: For sexual harassment complaints. So people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their body.

Archer That takes, like, one doll!

Pam: Not if there's ever a gang rape.

[Cheryl smiles and nods]

Archer: Cyril, better pill up; you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.

Cyril: Why me?

Archer: You're good at math.

Cyril: How's that supposed to help?

Archer: Can't hurt.

Krieger: But don't touch it. Lysergic acid can be absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your finger can… [Krieger accidentally touches the strip] oops.

Archer: Oh, for fuck's sake, Krieger! You're about to perform brain surgery!

Krieger: Yeah… So sooner's going to be better than later.

Archer: Okay, it's over, and... you're sure you don't wanna marry that woman?

Len: Oh, God, no. You know what I want?

Archer: Tell me.

Len: Some of that lettuce?

Archer: ...Um... okay...

Len: Actually can I have all of it? And the bunny attached to it? He is attached, right? Can I have the bunny and the lettuce?

Archer: Um, can we give Lenny the rabbit?

Len: And the lettuce!

Archer: ...Sure thing. Go to town.

Len: Yeah, 'cause, you know... they're brothers.

Archer: Um. Is he always gonna be like this now because I feel bad.

Trexler: Barry, you ass, for the love of all that's green take me and Rabbert to the lettuce store.

Archer: Hey, you idiots wanna hear my plan or not? [Silence] Alright... Suggestions.

Cyril: About what?

Archer: What are we talking about... Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN!

Cyril: You said you had a plan.

Archer: My plan is to crowdsource a plan!

Blood Test [2.3][edit]

Lana: So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.

Cheryl: Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?

[Brief shots of Lana walking in on Cyril having sex with Scatterbrain Jane, Framboise, and Cheryl (whom he is choking); Cyril is looking up and nervously saying "Hello" in each one]

Lana: Couple things...

[She lunges at Cheryl. They fight throughout the following]

Cheryl: Bring it!

Ray: Yeah, we are code blue here.

Pam: Hey. Yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.

Ray: No, I meant, like, for her face...

Cheryl: [To Lana] Choke me!

Pam: No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.

Ray: Oh my God yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?

Pam: Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.

Lana: [letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.

Cheryl: Ohhhhh, I think I just did.

Archer: I feel terrible.

Malory: That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood!

Archer: Oh, hey, speaking of fifth...

Malory: A drink's the last thing you need!

[Archer is throwing all Woodhouse's shoes off the balcony]

Archer: Because I told you to buy lemon curd! Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?!

Trinette: Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?

Dr. Krieger: Breast milk.

Trinette: Ew! I actually... have my own.

Dr. Krieger: So... you won't need this.

[Grabs jar and walks away]

Cheryl: Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.

Trinette: What, what kind of shit gift is that?!

Pam: Yeah, I made mine.

Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!

Archer: [with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.

Dr. Krieger: Me too!

. . .

Trinette: [holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.

Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!

Krieger: Have you ever thought about having children?

Cheryl: Sometimes I think I'd like to adopt a little baby. [Pause] So I could abandon it at a mall.

Krieger: That answers my follow up question.

[Cyril is unconscious in the bathroom]

Pam: Cyril. Hey, you awake? [Undoing her belt and dropping her skirt] 'Cause this is about to get weird.

Lana: Pam! Get off Cyril!

Pam: [Coming out of the bathroom] I was trying to get him off, Buttinski!

Pipeline Fever [2.4][edit]

Cajun guy: You should'a called first... this is the only airboat for fi'ty miles, and it reserved.

Archer: What do you mean, "Reserved"?

Cajun guy: Is that not self-explanatory?

Lana: [Offering a big stack of cash] Perhaps we can work something out.

Cajun guy: Sure, if you take that money, buy you a time machine, go back in time, and be the first person to reserve that airboat.

Archer: Thank you, certified air boat mechanic!

Archer: WOOOHOOOOOOO! THIS MUST BE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!

Lana: HOW CAN AN AIR BOAT BE SELFISH?!

Archer: Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide!

Lana: Did you say "man crush"?

Archer: No, I'm pretty sure it was "shut up!"

Cheryl: [Struggling to operate the photocopier in the new "Green" ISIS] Stupid, efficient, Canadian lightbulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing!

Pam: What are you doing?

Cheryl: [Holding up a "Found Cat" poster] I need six more of these.

Pam: Why do you need seven?

Cheryl: One for each cat. Duh.

Cyril: For god's sake, Pam! Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a… a war crime.

Pam: Don't blame me, it's those new low-flow toilets! With the old ones, you could flush a dachshund puppy. [Pause] I mean, not that you would.

Josh Gray: Lana, I really like your new hairdo.

Lana: Well, if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs...

Archer: That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.

The Double Deuce [2.5][edit]

Archer: You realise you're in huge trouble?

Woodhouse: Yes, sir.

Archer: And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever devising some bizzare punishment for you?

Woodhouse: Yes, sir.

Archer: So don't be surprised if you end up eating a whole bunch of... spiderwebs.

Archer: He might have a tiny hangover...

Pam: And how long you think this one's gonna be around?

[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]

Cyril: Yeah, count me in. [to a tontine scheme].

Reggie: Good God, man, are you hourly?

Reggie: You scoundrel. Is that brandy?

Woodhouse: Oh no sir, just water.

Reggie: Water? Oh, never touched the stuff. Fish fuck in it.

Woodhouse: Then they gave me the VC and my papers... medical discharge.

Stinky: Because of the scalps.

Woodhouse: Oh for-

Archer: The what?!

Stinky: German scalps!

Archer: What?!

Stinky: Must've been fifty of 'em!

Archer: That's a lot of scalps.

Stinky: Could've made a blanket.

Archer: You want me to take a baby to a murder?

Malory: Wherever, just out of here. I have no more love left to give today.

Archer: Yeah and what is it? Two-Thirty?

Tragical History [2.6][edit]

Lana: SO GO ALREADY! Bag with which one douches.

Archer: Render the salad unto Caesar!

Pam: Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my mouth's killin' me!

Cheryl: You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.

Pam: Personal best!

Lana: Your mother must be SO proud.

Lana: [To Archer] What's up with your mother?

Archer: What comes after infuriated?

Cyril: So how about I take a look at it? I'm sure I could kill that pesky ol' worm.

Lana: How? You gonna disappoint it to death?

Cheryl: And now we're on the brink of World War Two.

Pam: Three.

Cheryl: It's not a competition, Pam!

Archer: It's like it's made out of Wolverine's bones.

Archer: Krieger, whose virtual girlfriend is so real that the state of New York is allowing him to legally marry her!

Malory: So how's this going?

Dr. Krieger: Not great.

Cheryl: Who am I, Elisha Otis?

Archer: Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.

Pam: Really?

Archer: No! Its a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!

Pam: Dick.

Archer: But I do want to see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.

Pam: My record is three.

Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing?

Archer: [Spotting Spelvin's bikini-clad Asian ninja bodyguards] I'm suddenly much less angry.

[Archer is disarmed and wounded by Spelvin's bikini-clad Asian ninja bodyguards]

Archer: Damn it, Cyril! You said they were sexy!

Cyril: Ninjas are sexy!

Archer: Am I getting some signals?

Archer: Come back to me, I can do better.

Movie Star [2.7][edit]

[Pam has stolen Rona's journal]

Ray: Give me that! Little miss invasion of the privacy snatchers!

Pam: Oh, come on! Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?

Ray Gillette: No! Well, except Randy Muckler who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft. So, I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands? A booby trap blew his arms off.

Pam: So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?

Cheryl: Dick Sledge.

Ray: You wanna...

Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?

Cheryl: Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...

Pam: Sploosh!

Ray: Jinx.

Cheryl: ...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...

Pam: You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...

Cheryl: Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.

Pam: Why'd you have a knife?!

Cheryl: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!

Pam: Holy shitsnacks.

Cheryl: Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.

Malory: Why not?

Cyril: Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also can not be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.

Malory: So make her forty.

Cyril: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?

Malory: Me! That's the whole point!

Cyril: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.

Ray: [loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out—no snooping.

Pam: [wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...

Cheryl: Tons of cock porn lying around?

Pam: I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.

Ray: How do you forget?

Pam: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Ray: Why would you think it's okay to share that?

Archer: Come, Kriegerbots, avenge your fallen comrade! What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?

Rona: [with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!

Lana: Well unless there's a sniper in it...

Rona: Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!

[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl, whose hands are behind her back]

Ray: We are! We're complying!

Cop: You! Get your fricking hands up!

Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!

Pam: Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.

Cheryl: No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.

Ray: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

Rona: These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.

Lana: Ah...

Rona: And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...

Lana: Wait, what?!

Rona: It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.

Archer: [Eavesdropping] Oh yeah? While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit covered tape? ... Frickin' actresses.

Rona: Lana, hush! If you sit quietly, the toxin should wear off in, like, four hours. But if you struggle, your heart could...

Archer: [Bursting in with his gun drawn] Freeze!

Russian Soldier: [Patting the voice-changing gadget] Is my new favourite device of ever.

Stage Two [2.8][edit]

Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? [Malory ignores her] 'Cause I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league and

Malory: [Interrupting] If I cared what you did on a weekend I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes. [Malory leaves]

Cheryl: On Saturday I watched a building burn down.

Malory: Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there!

Pam: Ummm... Are you walking in there right now?

[Malory has revealed she may have breast cancer]

Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Malory: [Sarcastically] Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Krieger: A What?! I don't have one of those! [Cut to a shot of Krieger killing 'Pigley'] ... Anymore.

[Archer is standing over what appears to be a partly-dismantled nuclear warhead. It's emitting a green glow]

Archer: Wait, seriously don't open it?

Ray: [via Com link] Yes!

Archer: Oh. I thought you were being sarcastic.

Archer: [Holding a radioactive vial] Looking for this? Or maybe the lead container I probably should've kept it in?

Archer: Yup, Stage Two breast cancer. Yeah, I mean it's not as bad as stage three or four. But, obviously not as good as no cancer.

Archer: It's a pink ribbon, I have breast cancer.

Brett: [Laughing]' Seriously, breast cancer?

Archer: Yes.

Brett: Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?

Archer: [Laughing weakly] Excuse me.

[He leaps on Brett and starts punching him.]

Archer: [Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually... Brett!

Cyril: Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.

Ray: Nah, he's beatin' his ass.

Archer: [To Woodhouse] Macrobiotic food. Find out what that is and start cooking it.

Malory: [seriously drunk without eating all day] If I don't get something to eat, I'm literally going to die.

Cyril: I spent last night in the tombs, getting worked over by the cops!

Ray: Fun! ... Oh, you mean literally.

Cheryl: [In the waiting room] Oh my god! how much Cancer was in him? This is so boring and forever-taking.

Placebo Effect [2.9][edit]

Archer: Wow, what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.

Lana: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.

Archer: Well excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.

Archer: Don't you worry, Ruth... I'm gonna make them pay for it.

Malory: What are you—? Sterling, No! You're not well. What are you going to do?

Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!

Lana: Dogs of war...

Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

[Inside the Irish mob's warehouse, Archer has tied up three mobsters and written "Irish" on the wall above them]

Mobster 1: You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?

Archer: [Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...

[Archer cocks the shotgun and puts it up to the mobster's knee]

Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge!

Mobster 1: Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.

Archer: Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]

Mobster 1: AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!

Mobster 3: Oh, Christ!

Lana: JESUS! Archer!

Archer: What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!

Lana: Still, though!

Mobster 1: Uurgh, you son of a hoor!

Archer: Save it for the fast-money round, Paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!

[The second mobster doesn't speak]

Archer: [Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!

[The second mobster spits in Archer's face]

Archer: Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!

[Camera pans out to reveal three Latino janitors tied up with "Jañitoros" written on the wall above them]

Archer: One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...

Lana: He is a kid, Archer!

Archer: LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's-!

Mobster 1: Mikey Hannity... you say one word and I'll cut your yellow heart right out!

Archer: [Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]

Mikey: Oh, Christ!

Archer: Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy...I have breast cancer.

Mobster 2: [Laughing] Breast cancer!?

Archer: [Shoots second mobster, killing him as well] So you'll forgive my impatience because I, and a lot of other people, have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.

Mikey: CHEMO? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!

Archer: [Loading shells into his shotgun] Do I look like I need bald guy cream?

Mikey: No, no, I-!

Archer: Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this! It's so thick my barber charges me double! I love my hair. [Cocks shotgun] As I'm sure you love your kneecaps.

Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution-!

Archer: Victimless crimes, Mikey! Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs!

Mikey: They make the pharmacist buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to...I swear I don't know who! But they switch it with the fake stuff here! [Looks toward Hondurans] And those pricks do all the packing!

Archer: [To Hondurans] Wh-you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!

Lana: Were you?

Mikey: Ah, they don't know what goes on here! They can't even read English! All those dirty beaners care about is taking American jobs!

Archer: Hey, relax, Hannity! It wasn't that long ago that everybody hated [Pokes Mikey in the chest with the shotgun] the IRISH for swarming here in their potato boats and taking all the jobs!

Mikey: Yeah, but-wait, what?

Archer: And I'm pretty sure, [To Hondurans] and guys, feel free to correct me, that beaner is a pejorative term for a Mexican? Esta correcto o nao?

[The Hondurans remain silent, obviously, as they are gagged]

Archer: [Putting away shotgun] Huh. Thought there'd be a little more overlap with the Portuguese.

Lana: Well, plus, they're gagged.

Archer: Still, though. [Picks up an IV drip, then looks to Mikey] And third, is this the real stuff?

Mikey: Yeah, this is all real. Why?

Archer: [Holds the needle end of the drip] Because I'm way behind on my treatment.

Lana: Wait, Archer, what are you doing?

Archer: I'm sorry, Lana, did I mention I have cancer?

Lana: I know, but... now? In mid... rampage? You really think that's a good idea?

Archer: [Sarcastically] Hmmm, let me see... to take my prescribed chemotherapy for my said, aforementioned cancer? Yes, idiot, I do!

Archer: What have I been doing?

Lana: Chain-smoking joints the size of tampons!

Archer: Ew!

Lana: Figure of speech.

Archer: Still, though.

Lana: Are you not rampaging? I thought you were rampaging.

Cyril: Krieger's father was a Nazi scientist!

Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

Cyril: That's like comparing apples to... Nazi oranges!

Malory: Oranges, exactly! Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?

Cyril: No, not really.

Malory: How about microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook-and-loop fasteners?

Cyril: OK, you lost me...

Malory: None of those things would have been possible without the Nazi scientists we brought back after World War II.

Cyril: The Nazis invented Neil Armstrong?

Malory: Rockets! Which put him on the moon. After the war ended, we were snatching up kraut scientists like hotcakes. You don't believe me? walk into NASA sometime and yell "Heil Hitler!" WOOP! They all jump straight up!

El Secuestro [2.10][edit]

Pam: And then he was like—

Cheryl: "You're a moped."

Pam: How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?

Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.

Pam: Oh... I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had ten beers.

Cheryl: Forties?

Pam: No... yes. Hence the shandy!

Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently slavery was pretty awesome.

Malory: Prove it.

Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.

Malory: Why would anyone want to kidnap you?

Cheryl: Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.

Archer: Tum again?

Lana: [looking out the window of Cheryl's mansion] Is... that...

Cheryl: [rolling her eyes] Yesss...

Lana: The Roosevelt Mansion?!

Cheryl: Total shitbox, they're weird.

[Growling sound is heard. Archer and Lana pull out their guns]

Lana: What the-?

Archer: What the hell is that?

Cheryl: Ugh, my stupid ocelot.

Archer: [Leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!

Malory: Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but-

Archer: [OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!

Malory: How much are you-

Archer: Look at its tufted ears!

Malory: Worth?

[A kidnapper punches Pam in the face]

Pam: Who taught you how to punch? [Spits] Your husband?

[Archer is talking to the kidnappers]

Archer: How long do I need to keep them on?

Ray: Two minutes.

Lana: What?!

Archer: What happened to thirty seconds?!

Ray: Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!

Kidnapper: You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt!

Pam: That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love-taps— [Kidnapper hits Pam in the face] Seriously, maybe see if your daddy'll give you a roll of nickels.

Pam: Screw them! Especially Cheryl; I hope you kidnap the shit out of her.

Cheryl: It's crazy stupid boring in here!

Archer: Well, now you know how Babou feels.

Cheryl: ...Crepuscular?

Lana: Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.

Malory: Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?

[Cut to garage]

Archer: Yes!

Ray: Why?!

Archer: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!

Ray: Is it working?

Archer: Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!

Ray: I am gay.

Archer: Well, I'm not!

Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

Kidnapper: Thanks for getting us inside, Pam. [beat] Someone shoot her.

Pam: Oh, OK, then good luck with all the biometric scanners. Unless you wanna cut off my fingers and scoop out my retinas. [Pause] Oh, don't be dicks!

[Pam's using a retina scanner]

Kidnapper: Would you hurry up?!

Pam: Hey, I'm not the one smashed my eyes into eggplants! Nutsack!

Cheryl: I didn't kidnap myself, he did! [points at Cyril]

Cyril: Who, me?! No! No, I've been up here the whole time, having some phone sex! Just jackin' it...on the telephone.

Archer: Um, does internet porn know you're cheating on it?

[Archer is behind Cheryl, who is screaming]

Archer: Shut up! That vest is bullet-proof!

Cheryl: Oh. [gets shot in the arm] OW!

Archer: But it is, y'know, a vest.

Pam: [To Malory] And you! The worst of the bunch!

Malory: Me? Why me?

Pam: Five thousand measly dollars?!

Malory: Y'know, maybe I low-balled him at first... But I had some wiggle room.

Pam: Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whupping five thousand buck's worth of your ass.

Jeu Monegasque [2.11][edit]

Malory: I don't care if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party, this isn't my first Grand Prix you know.

Ray: Voila!

Malory: No! I am not sharing a room with you!

Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.

Malory: Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?

Ray: Hey! You know what?

Lana: Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...

Malory: Exactly, two of you.

Ray: Exsqueeze me?

Malory: Oh don't worry. He may be a vain, selfish, lying, and quite possibly alcoholic man-whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.

Archer: Uh, I guess it's cause he's doing all that other awesome stuff, thanks mother.

Malory: Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer-bonds handcuffed to your drinking arm?!

Archer: Uh, [Raises his glass] pretty sure you just answered your own question.

Lana: Why would she pay four millions dollars for unverified information?

Ray: Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's…

Archer: Hey.

Ray: Or it's another sex-tape.

Archer: HEY! [pause] Actually, that would not surprise me.

[repeatedly]

Various: Benoit...

Archer: Balls.

Archer: I have a plan to get the money back. [See's Ray carrying a bag of toiletries] That doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries!

Ray: You're not using them.

Archer: Yes, I am.

Ray: Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.

Archer: Rob the casino.

Ray: Thanks for the lotion.

Archer: Lana, what are you mad at me for? Mother took your 401(k). All I did was foolishly gamble it all away.

Ray: ...He does have a point.

Benoit: Impossible, madam: all my bellhops have been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.

Archer: There's a zoo here?

Pam: ...And some blow jobs... I mean, printers.

Archer: He's headed for the coast road!

Ray: Thanks Captain Obvious!

Lana: What the hell are you doing?!

Archer: Shooting at his tires so he loses control and drives off the cliff!

Lana: With the bearer bonds!

Archer: Yes, Lana, with the... Dammit!

Benoit: I can't see, you fool; get off!

Archer: I am getting off, I love this.

White Nights [2.12][edit]

Pilot: [sigh] What an asshole...

Russian: What an asshole...

Malory: Pam!

Pam: [From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...

Malory: Get your bloated carcass in here!

Pam: [Entering] Whattup?

Malory: You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?

Pam: OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!

Malory: And then I put whipped cream over everything and you know where this goes...

Lana: Undercover?

Malory: Of course undercover!

Lana: As what? Russia's only black woman?

Malory: You're still together?

Barry: Ex-fiance, thats what I meant to say.

Malory: Well, then it wasn't meant to be.

Barry: [nervous chuckle] I don't even know... how to respond to that.

Lana: Ohh but he's such a douche bag...

Malory: I know dear, but he's also my son.

Lana: Not Archer. Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.

Barry: Who is in-fact sitting right here. Do you wanna... do it on the desk or... in the hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?

Barry: Lesson one—

Archer: Don't "lesson one" me, Barry.

Barry: According to ODIN's guy in the KGB. Which, as a real agency, we have.

Malory: We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.

Barry: Yeah. So I hear.

Malory: How did... Pam!

Pam: [From outside office] I'm still not eavesdropping!

Archer: So Barry, looks like the whole "find out who my father is" thing isn't happening and so now I just want to get outta here so I'm thinking that we probably should split up.

Barry: [nervous] No, no, no! No please! A-Archer, your boots are slipping, man!

Archer: Probably because there's 200 pounds of asshole hanging off them.

Barry: 183, Fatboy!

Archer: Whatever, tell that to my silk socks.

Barry: Why are you wearing silk socks?

Archer: [beat] is that a joke?

Barry: Archer, let-let me climb up you! No! Please! Archer, Don't!

Archer: Barry. Barry, buddy, this is happening.

Barry: Archer, no!

Archer: so, try to aim for that dumpster.

Barry: [falls from Archer's lower half, taking his shoes and socks with him] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaa!

Archer: Bye, Barry. Dead center. Good work, Barry. [angry] Oh, for... Why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes!?

Archer: Piece of—! How are you a super power!?

Archer: Oh that is bullshit! Who would break into this shit hole!?

Russian: Come on, we don't have all night.

Archer: Yeah right, like you've got plans.

Russian: Goodbye, Mr. Archer.

Archer: Hey. Fuck you, you douche bag.

Double Trouble [2.13][edit]

Archer: [sounding like Cyril] Hello...

Malory: What in the name of prepaid venereal disease do you think you're doing?

Archer: I... uh...

Katya: Darling, I know she is old, but you allow such talk from your secretary?

Malory: And don't you want to freshen up after your long ride?

Archer: Phrasing, Mother!

Dr. Krieger: Almost as cool as my van.

Pam: This deuce aint gonna drop itself!

Archer: You realise I can never unhear that? … Why are you crying?

Pam: Because I got ripped in a bar last night and I was trying to beat my record for cramming pool balls in my mouth when some a-hole slaps me on the back and…

Archer: No! You swallowed a pool ball?

Pam: I wish just one. And I've still got two to go, so if you don't mind. [Closes door]

Archer: Pam, wait! I had something… what was it? … Uh, something about stripes and solids.

Russian: If I tell you all at once, your head might explode... Along with comb over.

Archer: It's ok, it was just cancer sex.

Archer: So you! [Smack] Can you hack into the KGB servers?

Bilbo: pfft... Does one ring rule them all?

Ray: For God's sake woman, are you hearing yourself? He's your son, not a...

Lana: Ray, she got him to quit drinking...

Ray: [Lifts guns] So what's the plan?

Archer: Wait, does Canada even have a spy agency?

Katya: Yes, but...

Archer: Wha— why? Haha, it's Canada.

Major Jackov: So, Comrade Bionic Barry, can you solve my Kasnova problem?

Barry: Yeah, probably. If I knew and/or cared what that was. But since I don't and/or do not, I'm going to kill and/or murder Sterling Archer.

Malory: I swear, if any one saw me in this awful van.

Lana: How could they with this illegal ass window tint. Dude, this van is like, rolling probable cause.

Malory: So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.

Ray: Toot toot.

Archer: Is anybody hit? Not really the explosive climax I thought it was gonna be.

Ray: Is nobody gonna touch that? Seriously?

Ray: Yeah, it is the first thing they'd do. It's like, counter-intelligence 101.

Ray: How 'bout a disgraced former minister. Long story, kinda boring, but I am still licensed by the state to perform marriages, the irony of which is not lost on me.

Archer: [To Barry] How are you not dead?

Barry: The Russians turned me into the unholy abomination of metal fused with flesh that now stands before you.

Archer: [While being choked by Barry] Wow, Barry, you're like super-strong!

Barry: Yeah, did I mention I'm a cyborg?

Barry: What part of "I'm a cyborg" are you people still not getting?

Archer: The core concept, I guess.

Barry: YEAH! One for three off the roof, Bitch! WOO!

Season 3[edit]

Heart of Archness: Part I [3.1][edit]

Malory: FOR THREE MONTHS! Sterling has been missing for three months and you idiots have not been able to find him!

Ray: Well, name-calling is not going to get us- [Malory lets out a long sentence full of profanity, all covered by a long *Bleep*]...anywhere.

Pam: What a hunk

Cheryl: Total sploosh.

Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Archer: I didn't run away from home, I'm a grown man, whose fiancée was murdered before his very eyes. So excuse me for needing some time to grieve.

Rip: By tending bar and banging newly weds?

Archer: Apparently that's my grieving process.

Archer: A ruse? Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?

Rip: Let's go, kid.

Archer: Call you back, 1930s. And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg.

Malory: But if the emergency beacon is going off - oh my God, their plane crashed!

Cheryl: (gasps) I said that would happen and it did! What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?!

Pam: I dunno, just try to only use em for good.

Cheryl: ...no.

Pirate Captain: What a hell, dumb guy?

Rip: You just killed like ten pirates.

Archer: Wow, if the five year old me knew that, he'd get a huge boner.

Heart of Archness: Part II [3.2][edit]

Archer: Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is... so yeah... this is about as Pirate Kingy as I'm going to get so brief away... Noah... Good Morning.

Heart of Archness: Part III [3.3][edit]

Noah: Can I just run up to my hovel real quick and get the only extant copy of my dissertation?

Archer: Noah, I've still got four bullets.

Noah: Oh God! Do you know what 'extant' means?!

Archer: Do you know what 'License to kill' means?

Noah: … I'll write another one.

Archer: The world holds its breath.

Lana: What's your blood type?

Archer: How should I know?

Lana: How could you NOT know?

Archer: Who am I, Karl Landsteiner? Discoverer of blood groups?

Lana:: So you don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them?

Archer: Now...

[Archer's team have just lost a pub quiz, thanks to Pam]

Archer: Your exact words, Pam: "Dr. Charles Drew or I will eat a bag of dicks"!

Pam: [Belch] Bring 'em!

Bucky: You will never make it to the helicopter. My men will cut you down like dogs!

Archer: Thanks, Human Shield.

Lana: (while shooting at pirates) AAAHHHH! GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! SUCK IT!

The Man from Jupiter [3.4][edit]

Cheryl: BUUUURT REYNOLDS! IS ON LINE ONNNNNEEEE!...for you, for some reason.

Malory: And just how long has he been your hero?

Archer: Since always!

[Scene cuts to a flashback where a younger Archer is dressed as the Bandit, running around in a cardboard box with markings like the Trans Am in the movie Smokey and the Bandit]

Archer: [Singing] Eastbound and dowwwwwn!

[Scene cuts back to Archer and Malory]

Malory: I thought that was Richard Petty.

Archer: Which doesn't even merit a response.

[Pam and Cheryl are looking at pictures of Burt Reynolds online]

Pam: I swear to god, you could drown a toddler in my panties right now! … Not that you would.

Malory: [To Cheryl] I swear, if you throw that computer on the floor one more time, you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else's name!

Pam: That's actually kinda scary.

Cheryl: Nah. Wouldn't be the first time.

[Burt and Archer are going down an elevator that is taking a long time to get down]

Burt Reynolds: ...You're kidding me.

Archer: I know, it's like, the world's slowest elevator.

Burt Reynolds: ...Why don't you get a bat-pole?

Archer: Nine thousand bucks.

Burt Reynolds: What?

Archer: Lowest quote I got.

Burt Reynolds: Well, that's ridiculous.

Archer: I know. It's just basically putting a pole where the garbage chute is, but all the co-op people were like, "But what are we going to do with all the garbage?"

Burt Reynolds: Well, you just dump the garbage down the same chute. Then you will have a pile of garbage to land on.

Archer: Yeah, if you're coming in hot, I know, it's a win-win.

Burt Reynolds: Plus, you were going to pay for it yourself. No assessment or anything.

Archer: Exactly.

Burt Reynolds: ...Ridiculous.

Archer: Preaching to the choir, pal.

Burt Reynolds: That's not your car?

Archer: Yeah. What?

Burt Reynolds: Nothing... I just didn't know they sold those to men.

Archer: Sure, laugh it up, Burt.

Burt Reynolds: I am.

[Burt Reynolds does a stunt during a car chase that causes a police car to land ontop of another]

Archer: HOLY SHIT! Burt Reynolds!

Burt Reynolds: Hey, pay attention and you might learn something.

Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection!

[Burt slams on the brakes, causing Archer to fall forward and hit his nose the dashboard. He comes back up holding his nose]

Burt Reynolds: How about now?

Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.

Cheryl: That Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome!

Archer: Yeah, he... kinda is.

Pam: After this, I am going to go home, watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.

[Cheryl and Archer stare at her]

Cheryl: Just tape them up!

El Contador [3.5][edit]

Malory: Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

Lana, Ray, and Cyril: [simultaneously] What?!

Archer: Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck. [turns to leave]

Malory: Where do you think you're going?

Archer: Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Malory: Get back in here!

Archer: Mother, the chevrons are locking!

Ray: You're taking me out of the field?

Malory: Well, unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart...

Malory: If you were in my tax bracket, you wouldn't be shouting such socialist propaganda.

Archer: Or wearing such shitty clothes.

Archer: [On Cyril being a field agent] The last time I tried to train him resulted in a dead hooker in my trunk!

Cyril: There was no dead hooker.

Archer: There easily could have been!

Lana: Heckle , Jeckle, between us and Calzado's fortified compound, there's about ten klicks of jungle that I just assume is one giant booby-trap showroom. So shut your dick-holes, grab your gear, shut up again and start walking. Any questions? [Cyril raises his hand] Cyril?

Cyril: What's a klick?

Archer: Well, look on the bright side.

Lana: Which is?

Archer: Which is what?

Lana: You just said look on the bright side.

Archer: It's a figure of speech.

Lana: You're looking for Predator, aren't you?

Archer: ...Yes.

Lana: [sighs] Couple things. A, he's invisible.

Archer: Not totally, he has a tell-tale shimmer.

Cheryl: If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.

Pam: Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.

[The three toast their mugs and drink the "herbal tea"]

Ray: Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!

Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... [brightly] I'd have eight nickels!

Cheryl: [vomiting in a toilet] Oh, my God. I'm gonna die in a toilet stall, just like the gypsy said!

Pam: Damn that Krieger! Nazi clone bastard!

Calzado: Tomorrow I will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.

Archer: Jai alai?

Lana: Well, go ahead and say it.

Archer: What?

Lana: That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.

Archer: Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood! ...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family... But, you know... go ahead and start.

Lana: [As she and Archer try to run away] Go, go, go— [Archer grabs her shirt and pulls her back to the ground as he runs away] AH! Are you really that selfish?!

Archer: Apparently!

Archer: AGH! Eat a dick, jungle! Cover it with malaria and leeches, sprinkle some dengue fever on it, and EAT A BIG GODDAMN JUNGLEY DICK!

Archer: For a second there I thought you were a crocodile on a three wheeler.

Calzado: Crocodiles on a three wheeler?

Archer: Right, how scary would that be?

Calzado: What the hell, damn guy?!

Archer: Speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he was murdered.

The Limited [3.6][edit]

Archer: I've always wanted to fight on top of a moving train.

Bilko: Well, if I know my boys, you might get your chance, big guy.

Archer: Thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.

Cheryl: My great-grandfather was nuts for skating. That and the Klan.

Malory: Have the porter bring me a cobb salad.

Lana: Before or after we capture the dangerous terrorist?

Malory: Before.

Archer: I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot!

Kenny Bilko: [on the phone] Alright boys, these ISIS bastards are serious, they just shot a black guy. [waits for a response] I know right?! Welcome to America!

Archer: Get 'em up, Dudley Douche-bag!

Lana: Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.

Archer: Okay... it's not though.

Archer: [Describing an ocelot's paw-prints] They look just like a house-cat's, but bigger and awesomer.

Archer: [to Babou the ocelot while handcuffed in a police car] They called you exotic. Which is just people talk for awesome. Which you are, which is why I am so happy I saved your life, buddy. [Babou growls and squeaks to him] Don't worry, probably just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe a little bit of jail time, hopefully just probation. [Babou leans forward and urinates on the car seat next to Archer. Archer speaks in a strained voice] Totally worth it. [Babou growls] No, Babou, that was all sarcasm. [more growls] YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

Archer: [Climbing to the top of the moving train] This is going to be awe— SHIIIIITT! [The wind causes Archer to lose his gun] AHHHH! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a... glitter gun! [Puts on night vision goggles] There, that ought to do it. Okay, let's try this aga— [Gets blinded by the lights of a passing train] AAARGHSHIIIITTTT! My retinas are seared like tuna steaks! ALL I WANT IS TO FIGHT ON TOP OF A TRAIN! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [Switches off the night-vision on his goggles] The good news is, now I'm furious.

Drift Problem [3.7][edit]

Archer: Paging Doctor Boy, Doctor Birthday Boy!

Archer: Does no one seriously know what today is?

Pam: Tuesday?

Cheryl: The rapture?

Krieger: Press that red button.

Archer: Is it going to kill everyone?

Krieger: Press that blue button.

[Archer presses the button, activating a recording]

Model: Welcome, Mr. Archer...

Archer: It does know my name!

Model: ...to the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.

Archer: Thanks, Dodge!

Model: [all features shown] Featuring a 440 V8 engine, six-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185. Heavy-duty suspension, runflat tires, bulletproof body panels and windows, twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front, anti-pursuit countermeasures in the rear.

Archer: It makes the Mach Five look like a vagina.

Model: The interior boasts mil-spec GPS, satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather.

Archer: Corinth is famous for its leather!

Model: And of course...

[She opens glove compartment revealing a bar with two bottles of liquor, two glasses, and ice]

Lawyer: [fast, over Archer's hysterical laughter] The in-dash bar is to be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only. Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever ever drink and drive.

Archer: [staring at his back-lit, in-car minibar] It's like looking into the face of God.

Pam: Well go on, give your mom a hug.

Malory: Oh, I don't think that's...

Archer: [interrupting] Possible.

Malory: What?

Lana: Ugh, he's got an erection.

Archer: It's this Corinthian leather!

Lana: How much did Dodge kick in?

Malory: Not as much as you'd think.

Archer: Black, powerful, sexy. Like if Ron O'Neal was a car.

Malory: Who taught you to drive?

Cheryl: This guy I know called my dead father.

Malory: Oh... I...

Cheryl: Yeah, I bet you feel like a dick.

Malory: That was for Pearl Harbor!

Lo Scandalo [3.8][edit]

Archer: Well, unless it was the creepy-old-people-bondage-sex police, why would anyone break in here and shoot him?! No answer? Okay, let's ask him. [Pulls off mask]

Lana: Holy shit!

Malory: Because he's Savio Mascalzone.

Archer: Uh...

Lana: Oh, for— The prime minister of Italy!

Archer: The what?! Wait, doesn't Italy use a king?

Lana: No, they don't "use a king!"

Malory: What year do you think this is?!

Archer: I... yeah, exactly. Good question.

Archer: I have a question, Mother. Why does this chair have no seat... and WHAT... IS IN HIS ASS?!

Archer: Mother! What is in his ass?!

Malory: Oh, please. Don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.

Archer: Not in a dead prime minister's ass!

Malory: And you can stop repeating that! We've established where it is!

[Discussing Operation Gladio]

Malory: It was a NATO stay-behind set up to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe.

Lana: But then it sort of turned into this whole weird crypto-fascist CIA shitshow, starring Allen Dulles and a bunch of former Nazis.

Malory: Thanks, Holly Hindsight.

Archer: Lawyer up. Call the cops.

Malory: What?

Archer: Oh, and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I'm gonna have to, uh, bust you in the face a couple times.

Malory: What are you talking about?

Archer: Self-defense, Mother! It's your only shot! We'll have to uncuff him and "de-dildo" him, obviously... Smash up the furniture like he was chasing you all rapey. Fortunately, he's Italian so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.

Archer: I bet I'll never be able to have sex again without thinking about this! I bet I won't even be able to eat spaghetti and meatballs. Oh God!

Malory: What?

Archer: I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I may literally die.

Lana: So, we've got a dead Italian prime minister in the living room which—

Archer: Sucks, because I bet he knew how to make sauce.

Malory: So once again you're left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?

Archer: What is your problem with the Irish?

Malory: You mean besides not being on our side in World War II?

Archer: Yeah, besides that. Wait, seriously? They were Nazis?

Lana: No!

Archer: Well, they're not Japanese...

Lana: Neutral!

Krieger: I need access to a two-inch drain, hot water, three GFCI outlets—this bathroom should do nicely—and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade.

Archer: You got a potato?

Malory: What is this? Christmas? And is Krieger... hard at work?

Archer: He literally might be, yes.

Lana: Ew.

Lana: Somebody's trying to frame Malory for murdering the Prime Minister of Italy.

Cheryl: Oooo, I bet it's that wicked king!

Krieger: I needed help... disseminating him.

Cheryl: Eww!

Pam: Not what it means.

Lana: Still pretty gross though.

Krieger: And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray: How small?

Krieger: [holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana: That's... actually pretty smart.

Krieger: And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana: That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril: Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory: Well you've only been here twice.

Ray: Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Archer & Lana: Don't ask.

Pam: And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory: Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger: Yeah, I found it!

Cyril: Found what?

Archer & Lana: Don't ask!

Krieger: Can I keep it?

Cheryl: Keep what?

Archer & Lana: Don't ask!

Malory: Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger: Yeah, take that tone.

Cyril: I hate all of you so much.

Ray: No one cares, Figgis. You're only here to round out the numbers.

Malory: But Krieger, wait. The bathroom, the body, how did you—

Krieger: [puts his finger over Malory's mouth] Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh. You don't want to know. But you do probably want to go wash your lips now.

Bloody Ferlin [3.9][edit]

Randy Gillet: [pointing gun] Don't you move. Don't move a inch.

Ray: What do you mean, "don't move"?! I came to help, you asshole!

Randy: Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off. There's mines all in the yard.

Archer: Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Cheryl: Uh, get in line.

Janelle: Randy Gillet, where are your manners? Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside. [seductively] I've got some nice hot pie for 'em.

Archer: Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.

Ray: Oh, please don't.

Archer: It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist... Although hopefully not flaky.

Ray: So is it just E.Z. coming or...

Randy: No, it's the whole sheriff's department. I'd say twenty men, AR-15s, maybe grenades, oh...dogs! Duh.

Archer: Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Randy: Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.

Janelle: I'd be delighted.

Ray: [as Archer and Janelle walk out] Well, now, wait a second...

Archer: Fifth thoughts!

Ray: Archer!

Randy: Don't worry, she won't bite. But speaking of, it's about suppertime. You still partial to fried chicken?

Cheryl: [having snapped a rooster's neck] I'll cook it... if someone shaves it or whatever.

Randy: Do you want to have sex with my wife?

Archer: No! I... I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.

Randy: Because we would be amenable to that. Well? Why do you look so nonplussed?

Archer: Because I wasn't sure if you knew what "amenable" actually meant, until you followed it up with "nonplussed."

Archer: The truth is that your seemingly effeminate brother is, in fact, a highly trained secret agent.

Randy: [Sarcastically] Yeah, and I'm... something equally hard to believe is true.

Archer: I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?

Ray: You drank too much!

Archer: That's a thing?

Ray: I'm coming out.

Archer: Ha ha, phrasing.

Crossing Over [3.10][edit]

[opening line; Archer is nursing a wicked hangover]

Archer: No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Major Jackov: Et tu, Brute?!

Russian Soldier: Et me, buddy.

Cheryl: It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss.

Archer: If anyone found out, I'd literally die of shame.

Pam: And how do you think that makes me feel?!

Archer: I don't care, Pam! [Pause] Having said that, would you please come into this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?

Pam: Oh, alright.

Pam: This time really get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell.

Archer: Who hunts dogs?

Cheryl: Orientals, duh!

Archer: Where did you learn all that stuff?

Pam: You know I grew up on a farm, right?

Archer: Really hoping that's not relevant.

Archer: And instead of doing my job, I was here... Half-drunk and having amazing sex.

Pam: Well, I wouldn't say "amazing." [Archer looks at her] C'mon, you were pushing rope!

Skin Game [3.11][edit]

Krieger: I'm not a... serial killer!

Archer: Wait, why did you emphasize "serial"?

Krieger: I did what?

Pam: It's Bearclaw Monday!

Archer: [To Cyborg-Katya] That's your original skin, right?

Krieger: [Under a cough] Hobo.

Archer: What?

Krieger: ...Yes?

[Archer and Cyborg-Katya are in bed. Cyborg-Katya's eyes are glowing red]

Archer: Can you close your eyes? It feels like I'm banging tail-lights on a country road.

Lana: If you want to know why Archer is Archer, you need to go back in time and have a threesome with Oedipus and Sigmund Freud!

[Archer has drunk an entire bottle of scotch]

Cyril: That was a gift to my grandfather! From Frank! SINATRA!

Archer: Which makes me feel even more terrible, since I'm going to puke it back up in five— [burps] one minutes...

Barry: Is anybody gonna ask how and why I knew to show up here?

Archer: Is...? Okay, I'll bite.

Barry: By tracking the satellite signal from Katya's internal hard drive, which Doctor Dipshit over there bought from the KGB.

Archer: Krieger!

Krieger: Yeah, but... the savings.

Barry: Like, eighty bucks you saved.

Malory: What, were they [Barry and Katya] having sex?

Lana: I think so.

Malory: Called it!

Lana: I know that sucked...

Archer: Vacuum cleaner puns?! Really?!

Archer: Barry!

Cheryl: Polo!

Archer: Will you shut up!

Cheryl: [grunt] Polo.

Archer: Uhh! I say all sides by idiots.

Space Race: Part I [3.12][edit]

Krieger: Uhhh... SMOKEBOMB! [runs away]

[Archer holding baseball mitt up, as ball slowly floats back to him]

Archer: Fuck you, space.

Archer: Happy, Cyril?! You just destroyed Alderaan!

Archer: Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?

Space Race: Part II [3.13][edit]

Pam: Holy Shitscace! Hey guys, we got a problem!

Carol: Duh! The party starting and this dress make me look like a whore!

Malory: Oh, you don't look like a whore... A idiot, maybe?

Carol: Wha—

Malory: Or both! Yes, a whore-diot!

Drake: Are the restraints really necessary?

Kellogg: Archer broke both Wu's arms. While shouting "Woo!"

Archer: Happy accident.

Kellogg: What's taking so long?!

Horizon Drone: Couple things. One, I didn't invent whatever this door's made of, which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril. And two, not really liking your tone!

Barry: [singing] Gone to outer space! To shoot the dickbag... In his face!

Drake: SAY DWARVEN TECHNOLOGY TO ME AGAIN!

Cyril: I think I got 'em. Did I get 'em?

Lana: You did. You got those two guys, who were just minding their own business... Ooh! And also the one remaining person who could fly us back to Earth!

Archer: A black astronaut, Cyril! That's like killing a unicorn!

Pam: Holy crapsnack, how is this gonna get—

Archer: Don't, don't you say it.

Pam: Any worse, is what I was gonna say.

Archer: [annoyed and sarcastic] Really?

Pam: [serious] Yes.

Horizon scientist: I heard him tell you to do it.

Kellogg: And I'm telling you to do it.

Horizon scientist: And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space!

Archer: [in hiding with Lana and Cyril] Wait, there are animals?

Lana: No, Animal Farm.

Cyril: How do you not get that?

Archer: Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.

Cyril: Not an animal farm—

Archer: Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.

Lana: Animal Farm is a book.

Archer: No, it isn't, Lana! It's an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell! And spoiler alert: IT SUCKS! [Guns are pointed at them by Kellogg and the scientist] Although, I was talking about an actual animal farm. So... never mind.

Carol: Jesus Christ, could you PLEASE think of somebody other than yourself for once in your life?!

Lana: And that's her talking.

Season 4[edit]

Fugue and Riffs [4.1][edit]

Pam: Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.

Cheryl: Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to hang out with everybody at work.

Pam: You hate everybody at work.

Cheryl: I know. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.

Lana: I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.

Malory: Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.

Lana: As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsely?

Malory: ...Pam.

Archer: Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?

Malory: I'm off for a seaweed wrap.

Ray: [Under his breath] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.

Malory: Oh, Ron, thank you for coming so quickly.

Pam: Phrasing! First! Boom!

The Wind Cries Mary [4.2][edit]

Pam: This is Rodney, he's the new... whatever... gun librarian.

Rodney: Armory supervisor!

[Cyril activates a laser alarm]

Lana: How could you not see that?!

Cyril: Because, I only have two eyes and they were both busy looking for hunters!

Lana: [Referring to Cyril's bright orange snow clothes] Why, is it "pumpkin season"?!

Cyril: [Gasps] Is that a thing?

Archer: [Seeing Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground] Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...[Looks around] Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.

Legs [4.3][edit]

Archer: Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his! [Pause] But somebody's!

Archer: Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

Cheryl: Once would be nice!

Archer: Hmm... No.

Archer: Are you going to open the damn door?

Rodney: Only if you give me that weapon.

Archer: Do you honestly want to live through the Rise of the Machines?! Which you won't, because no one will?!

Rodney: Uh—

Archer: It was rhetorical!

Krieger: A small power unit goes here on your... spiney thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg bones.

Ray: I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.

Cyril: Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?

Lana: Ummm... Because... I'm not a giant pussy!

Cyril: And yet, somehow, incredibly single.

[Cheryl is hysterical. Archer slaps her.]

Rodney: Whoa whoa whoa! Not cool man! That is not at all cool!

Cheryl: Rodney, you mind your own dicky beeswax! [To Archer] You got another one in ya?

Archer: I don't.

Cheryl: [seductively] Tease.

Archer: And I'm sorry for that one.

Cheryl: Don't be.

Archer: Because, I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.

Cheryl: Mmmm... Well, but also emotional violence...

[Archer suddenly crashes through the ceiling, naked, armed with an RPG. He stands and faces Cyril.]

Archer: [In a Terminator voice] Your clothes. Give them to me!

Cyril: Ah!

Archer: [In normal voice] I'm just kidding, obviously! I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater-vest! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Passes out]

Pam: Just like Fourth of Jul-Luau!

Carol: Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.

Archer: Thank you... What was your name again?

Rodney: Rodney.

Archer: Thank you. Asshole.

Midnight Ron [4.4][edit]

Ron: ...Which is why Ron Cadillac is opting out. And also why Ron Cadillac is going to swing by Montreal on his way home. Because Ron Cadillac is FREAKING EPIC!

Ron: Gimme a break ah? That wasn't my fault

Archer: [Finishes drinking bourbon, burps] Yeah, no. I mean obviously this was all due to the butterfly effect.

Ron: The what?

Archer: Butterfly effect. You know, a butterfly in Africa lands on a giraffe's nose, the giraffe sneezes, that spooks a gazelle, the gazelle bonks into a rhinoceros, and the rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase," because the rhinoceros speaks English! [beat] What's in the suitcase, Ron?

Vicious Coupling [4.5][edit]

Pam: My cooch has cobwebs!

Archer: Damn you, tinnitus, you're a cruel mistress!

Archer: Since certain people around here may not see how brilliant my plan is, they're gonna need to be...

Pam: Convinced?

Archer: I'm sorry, did you say "incapacitated"?

Lana: [Climbing into air vent] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here. [Beat] I though that was a joke.

Archer: Why is Barry rocket-shipping away from the frickin' space station?

Krieger: Because Newton's Third Law of Motion?

Archer: Hey, thanks, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

Krieger's Virtual Girlfriend: [aroused] Ooooh! DeGrasse Tyson-san.

Once Bitten [4.6][edit]

Lana: I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.

Malory: [Laughs] What record?

Archer: [To Ray] You're shitting me! Bionic legs and you lift with your back?!

Archer: Cyril, if you call ISIS: I will literally, LITERALLY murder you! I'd rather die than sit through another one of Lana's I Told You So 's

Archer: [Stranded in the desert] Unless I'm hallucinating, there's a Land Cruiser over there flipping his high-beams at us.

Cyril & Ray: You're hallucinating.

Archer: Oh. Well, the good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators... that's not actually good news, is it?

Lana: Why not?! Why won't you stand up to Malory with me?

Pam: Um, because we don't give a shit?

Lana: About the Earth?!

Cheryl: Please! If you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and in a croaky whisper explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know...

Lana: [shocked] ...Excuse me... [Leaves]

Pam: Daaaaaamn!

Cheryl: What? ...Oh-my-God was I talking?

Live and Let Dine [4.7][edit]

Archer: He's a Master Chef! Which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect.

Lance Casteau: Remember when I said you could've been a great chef?

Archer: Yes.

Lance: Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet.

Coyote Lovely [4.8][edit]

Archer: Mexico's most notorious coyote... Which is Español for "people smuggler."

Lana: Thanks. That's—

Archer: And also for... coyote, it turns out.

Lana: Archer—

Archer: It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?

Lana: Why do you always do this?

Archer: Because I'm always bored.

Cyril: Is he—? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored?

Lana: Don't engage him.

Archer: Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.

Cyril: And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!

Lana: What'd I just say?

Archer: Big whoop. I'm spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.

Lana: Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop, please. [To Cyril] This is what he does. He knows we're tense, because we're normal human beings. My theory—and I'm serious—is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.

Archer: Um... Your mic's hot.

Lana: I know.

Archer: Wow.

Lana: [To Cyril] Would you man up, Kimmy Kevlar?!

Cheryl: Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?!

Malory: Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents.

Krieger: [over loudspeaker] Just say the word.

Malory: [To Bilbo] Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears!

The Honeymooners [4.9][edit]

Lana: What do you think you're doing?

Archer: My job, Lana.

Lana: And what part of your job exactly is groping my ass?

Archer: The part that calls for spy-craft. C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds, so—

Lana: Yeah, posing!

Archer: And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.

Lana: You're drunk on champagne.

Archer: Eh, little column A, little column B.

Lana: ...then passing out on the bed, totally naked, for a... what'd you call it?

Archer: Power black out. And, you're welcome.

Lana: Yeah, thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!

Archer: Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.

Cyril: God, were you raised in a barn?

Pam: No. I just slept out there a lot.

Krieger: [Running a Geiger counter back and forth over a glowing green pig, causing it to consistently go off the scale] Well, Pigley 3, that would certainly explain the glowing... [Runs the Geiger counter over his own crotch, causing it to go off the scale as well] And probably a few other things...

Archer: Go online and check your bank account.

Lana: Now? When I'm suction-cupped on a window thirty stories above the ground?

Archer: Yeah! You should have five bars.

Lana: Okay so, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up? But— [hangs up]

Lana: Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?

Archer: No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is! He said, sarcastically! Phone!

Lana: Okay. Jesus! Keep your voice... [checking phone] Whoa!

Archer: Sucks, right? That's not even... remotely fair! What the shit?!

Lana: Apparently, we're in a crazy parallel universe, where bonuses are based on merit instead of whether or not you crawled out of your— [drops phone] mother—!

North Korean terrorist: [Having Lana and Archer hostage] Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to Glorious Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.

Archer: Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us.

Lana: Archer!

Archer: What, Lana? It's none of those things! It's not Democratic, it's not a republic and definitely not glorious!

Lana: Oh my God. Okay... You're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?

Archer: I'm not going home... I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong Ass!

Lana: Wha— no! We're doing surveillance!

Archer: Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass!

Lana: Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're soooo shitty at it.

Cyril: Suppressing fiiiireeeee-extinquisherrrrr!

Archer: Is that...

Lana: Cyril?!

Cyril: Lana!

Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!

Archer: Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that. Right? Huh? Okay now we can go.

Archer: SMOKE FIGHT! WOOOO!

Lana: [cocking a gun] Cyril, hit the deck!

Archer: Wait, why Cyril—

Lana: [Shooting North Korean spies] GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET SOME!

Pam: Aww man, did I miss it?!

Cheryl: Oh my god, the toilet!?

Pam: No, Jesus! ...Although it is clogged.

Un Chien Tangerine [4.10][edit]

Archer: Don't ruin the moment.

Archer: You're missing out on all the great things that Tangiers has to offer.

Lana: Name one.

Archer: Cheap...

Lana: [Interrupting] Apart from cheap hash and a repulsively low age of consent.

Archer: Rugs?

Cheryl: Ms. Archer, Lana for you, line one.

Malory: I'm not here.

Cheryl: [scared] Then how...

Malory: My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status, it can't determine if they're suited for actual field work. I mean, what if she had to subdue an agent?

Pam: Cue sad trombone, and... go.

[Snaps fingers, showing video of Cyril, Ray and Krieger being mauled by Pam.]

Malory: Pam! What the hell did you... waagh! [Brief shot of Cyril thrown to ground and picked up and thrown again] My God!

Krieger: And it goes on like that for another thirty-eight soul-cleaving minutes

Ray: Of which, you were there for two.

Krieger: Hey, I was scared, I ran away. Sue me. And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!

Lana: [While walking through the desert] Because you let him, you let him push your buttons. That's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun, phone, or lifesaving water. And that's why you died in the desert. [Beat] Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert. [Gasps] Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said!

[Flashback to the ISIS break room, as Lana is talking to Cheryl while opening a soda bottle]

Lana: How. Would I ever. Die in a dessert.

[Back to the present]

Lana: Well, pretty close.

Pam: Plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus...

Malory: Alright! I'll think about it.

Pam: Is that a real you'll think about it or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap" you'll think about it?

Malory: It's...

Pam: Because I never really got over that.

Malory: It's a real one.

Pam: YAAAAYYYY!

Malory: —but thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farm-y childhood.

Pam: It was actually pretty awesome. And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.

Archer: [to Kazak the dog] Okay, buddy, so here's the deal. A., scrooch down! And B., normally in this situation, I'd do a PIT maneuver, but if I do, the truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case scenario, she's a quadriplegic and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags I start to resent her and the night nurse is, like, Brazilian and twenty. [Kazak growls] Don't judge me! I have needs, man! The point is, and it might be a kind of shitty plan [jams the canteen against the gas pedal] but I'm gonna jump on the truck, so I need you to take the... [Kazak barks] Wheel, exactly. So— [sees Kazak is gone] Kazak? [Sees Kazak has jumped onto the truck and is mauling the kidnappers] Lana, look! He thinks he's vampires!

The Papal Chase [4.11][edit]

Malory: ...and then, give me the file I asked for!

Ray: Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?

Malory: What was that?

Ray: Nothing!

Malory: Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.

Cheryl: Awwwww.

[Pam's holding a large mirror above the Pope, who's sleeping]

Archer: Put that down, Pam, he's not— [Pam drops the mirror right on the Pope] —dead! Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!

Pam: I killed the Pope!

Archer: Yeah, that's why I said Oliver—

Pam: [Jumps on top of the mirror that's still on the Pope, grabbing Archer by his shirt] JESUS CHRIST, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I— [Archer slaps her four times]

Archer: Pam.

Pam: Yes?

[Beat]

Archer: Get off the Pope.

Archer: Lana! NOW!

Lana: He said, last-wordsingly.

[Archer pulls up in a Bubble Car]

Lana: Are you shitting me?!

Archer: What? It was either this or the Vespas. It's not my fault Italy's so gay!

Swiss Guard: The good news is my men have apprehended Cardinal Correlli, who immediately confessed to the plot.

Pam: HA-HEY! That is good news!

Lana: You know how the whole the good news is thing works, right?

Swiss Guard: The bad news is...

Pam: Oh, right.

Archer: But the real good news is that we saved the Pope's life!

Swiss Guard: For which we are grateful. However, we cannot tell these two apart, so...

Archer: So I actually have an idea about that.

Lana: Is it... take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?

Archer: Uhh, never mind.

Sea Tunt: Part I [4.12][edit]

Malory: Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!

Archer: Well it's about frickin' time! [Beat] What, we're not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?

Lana: Why would we invade Bermuda?

Archer: Oh... Bermuda, duh. I was thinking Bahamas.

Lana: Same question.

Archer: Same answer: Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.

Cyril: Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.

Archer: Okay, Mr. Peabody...

Malory: Are you finished?

Archer: Yes?

Malory: Good. Because the B-52 was—

Archer: In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that's my fourth biggest fear.

Malory: The B-52 is on the ocean floor here at a depth of 8,000 feet—

Archer: Or 1,333 fathoms.

Lana: How do you know that?

Archer: How do you not?

Malory: ...So we're going to beat the Russians!

Archer: [Sarcastically claps] Give it up, everyone. Mike Eruzione!

[Tiffy, the pilot, has been arguing with Cheryl about veganism over the intercom]

Cecil: Hey, Tiffy. Could you, instead of antagonizing her, maybe go ahead and take off? [The chopper judders as it takes off] Love you! [To Archer, who's mixing a cocktail] We'll rendezvous with my research vessel in a few hours. So, in the meantime, I guess, continue to make such wildly liberal use of the bar.

Archer: Done!

Cecil: Hi, it's Pam, right? Enjoying the cruelty-free vegan seafood buffet?

Pam: It's pretty good once you get over how allergic I am to soy.

Cecil: What?! Oh my God, don't eat that!

Pam: HEY! I'm a consenting adult! [coughes] Plus, I assume you've got an Epi-pen on this rip-tide-looking bastard?

Cecil: Yes, in the cockpit. In the first aid kit.

Pam: Then shut up! [continues devouring the "shrimp"]

Cheryl: [whispering from offscreen] Psst.. Pam!

Pam: Oh, Already?! [to the "shrimp" she's holding] Look, auditory hallucinations aren't gonna make you any less delicious!

Sea Tunt: Part II [4.13][edit]

Cheryl: [To her brother] You really spent your entire inheritance on... the poors?

Cpt. Murphy: I'll be waiting for you.

Lana: Was that... Did he sound like... Do you think this is some kind of a trap?

Archer: What? No, I don't think it's a trap! Although I never do. [Beat] And it very often is.

Lana: We're from ISIS.

Cpt. Murphy: Jesus Christ, no wonder this all went tits-up.

Ray: LANA! Would you hurry up?

Lana: Said the guy apparently too busy counting his bionic legs to help.

Season 5[edit]

White Elephant [5.1][edit]

Pam: Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Archer: Who?

Cheryl: The storm ninjas!

Archer: What? That's not a thing, idiot! [beat] Oh. I stand corrected.

Lana: Son of a... bitches, I am pregnant!

Cyril: Yes! Who could forget, with the bastard spawn of a total stranger.

Lana: Okay, first of all... [Flashbang lands near Cyril] Cover your eyes and ears!

Cyril: You're not the boss of me! [Flashbang goes off] Meep? Meep?

Archer: Well, he died doing what he loved... Getting shot.

FBI Agent: Uh, sir? It's like you said. He's dug in there like a tick and...

Krieger: Never! You'll never take me alive!

Agent Holly: Okay, breach it.

FBI Agent: Roger that.

Krieger: On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive. Just let me clear the ol' browser history and... No, no, no, no, oof! Oh come on!

Ray: I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for like 30 years.

Cheryl: Yeah, until he got blown up. Which was actually my fault.

Cyril: Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg who then became the new head of the KGB.

Krieger: Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts. And a corpse.

Cyril: Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...

Cheryl: Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

Pam: And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Ray: Irish mob.

Cheryl: Piracy.

Cyril: White slavery.

Pam: No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.

Krieger: Is it murder if they were my own clones? [Beat] I'm seriously asking.

Krieger: Defiling a corpse.

Cyril: Defiling a different corpse.

Pam: Kidnapping the Pope...

Cheryl: [laughs] Faking my own kidnapping! Arson...

Pam: Bum fights! You know like when you pay bums to...

Cyril: Destroy an oil pipeline in...

Cheryl: I wanna say Burt Reynolds!

Cyril: Turkmenistan?

Archer: Archer Vice.

Lana: What?

Archer: Nothing. Shut up.

Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying [5.2][edit]

Lana: What's in Miami?

Malory: Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?

Archer: That sounds high.

Archer: [To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG! [Back to Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.

Lana: And you're OK with that?

Archer: Are you not? Lana, it's the A-Team meets Scarface! That makes me... ummm...

Lana: Hannibal Montana?

Lana: [to Archer] If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.

Archer: [sarcastically] Yeah, that'll teach me.

Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor [5.3][edit]

Malory: Amphetamines?!

Pam: Right? And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine!

Krieger: [seeing the Yakuza at the door on a monitor] Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese?

Malory: They're Japanese, you idiot!

Krieger: [to his virtual girlfriend] Oh, for... I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened!

Malory: Well, what did he say?

Pam: Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer: Because?

Pam: Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Everyone else: Ew!

Lana: But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory: Then he can give us a refund.

Lana: Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril: It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory: What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril: Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron: Everybody knows that.

Cheryl: $1 million! Yes, real dollars. Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. Fine, $10 million! $50 million! A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!

[Hangs up. Archer plays the Price Is Right losing horn on his phone]

Archer: Been waiting forever to use that.

Lana: Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints. [Cheryl excitedly laughs] Not that kind of chokepoints.

Malory: [handing Ron a rifle] Here.

Ron: Noop.

Malory: What do you mean, "noop"? Take it!

Ron: Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal their drugs!

Malory: Well, I support you in your work! Not that you ever do any, but...

Ron: If you were honest with yourself, you would realize I have been incredibly supportive of you! Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become a drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?

Malory: A floor model.

Archer Vice: House Call [5.4][edit]

Malory: [Dismissively] Metric. Who uses metric?

Lana: Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia, and Burma.

Ron: Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.

Archer: Ron, next time, get shot in the head.

Lana: What are you eating?

Pam: Yogurt.

Malory: [snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.

Archer: Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?

Lana: How have you never tried yogurt?

Archer: Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Malory: It's good because it's cocaine!

Archer: Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?

Cheryl: [as Pam carries her off] This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said!

Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.

Archer Vice: Southbound and Down [5.5][edit]

[After Lana knock down a biker at the "Now leaving Texarkana" sign]

Lana: [Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!

[Cherlene screams, Lana breaks]

Archer: Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—

Lana, Cyril, Cherlene, and Malory: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—

[The bus runs over Archer's car which spins, while Cherlene's bus crashes into a hill]

Pam: You mad?

Archer: Give you three guesses, Pam!

Pam: No...? No...? No!

Archer: Wrong, Pam!

Archer Vice: Baby Shower [5.6][edit]

Archer: Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!

Archer: No, Kenny Loggins! Nothing can make up for almost killing me over a briefcase of what I can only assume is either plutonium or a human soul!

[Before they sing a duet of Danger Zone]

Cherlene: It's in D-minor. Do you know what that is? Or even what chords are?

Kenny Loggins: [sigh] Yes.

Cherlene: Wow, snotty. OK, fine. So during the boring parts, just scream "Outlaw Country".

Kenny Loggins: Absolutely not.

Archer Vice: Smugglers' Blues [5.7][edit]

Archer: It's time to gather some intel.

Ray: Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.

Archer: Don't worry, I won't. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratically elected governments. Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, uh... oh, Iran! Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great! But that's OK, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that ragtag bunch of mujaheddin heroes in Afghanistan!

Archer Vice: The Rules of Extraction [5.8][edit]

Cyril: What do crocodiles eat?

Archer: EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!

Cyril: Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?

Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.

Cyril: The...?

Archer: Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Ray: [Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!

Archer: Goddammit, how are we not doing "phrasing"?!

Archer Vice: On the Carpet [5.9][edit]

Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue: Part I [5.10][edit]

Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue: Part II [5.11][edit]

Archer: Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.

Pam: And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!

Lana: Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.

Pam: Now who's racist?!

Archer: Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.

Lana: This is how you steal a painting. Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair?

Archer: No. Not a huge Steve McQueen fan.

Lana: [Laughs] Oh, my God, are you... Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep!

Archer: I... I... No, I didn't.

Archer Vice: Filibuster [5.12][edit]

Lana: I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.

Malory: Is that a reference I should get, or...

Lana: Seriously?

Malory: Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.

Lana: It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.

Cyril: Hey.

Cherlene: But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.

Pam: Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.

Lana: What?

Cyril: Hey.

Malory: Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

Lana: It cannot possibly!

Archer: Where did you get that?!

Cherlene: Let's just say I honestly don't remember.

Archer: [To Caldarone] Did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?

Caldarone: I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do. My Father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels.

Cherlene: So like a family business.

Archer: That manufactures oppression!

Caldarone: Well, and cocaine.

[looking at a tiger in the zoo]

Archer: They should have sent a poet. Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?

Caldarone: [An elephant trumpets offscreen] Literally tons.

Archer: No, I didn't mean another animal. I meant like a steak.

Caldarone: Typical American! You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in nice plastic wrap.

Archer: Yeah, you're describing meat.

Caldarone: No, no, no. Meat is blood and bones and sinew.

Archer: Well, now you're describing not-meat.

Caldarone: Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat. Because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food.

[The tiger roars]

Archer: [to tiger] Hang on, buddy. [To Caldarone] And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism! But I'm not feeding Shane an elephant.

Archer Vice: Arrivals/Departures [5.13][edit]

Julianna: You are not robbing my palace!

Malory: Oh yes, we are. And if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets too. Because your regime is officially over. I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and this is how it ends. In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint. Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh... [Pam starts laughing] What in the name of God is funny?!

Pam: You said you'd seen cooze!

Cherlene: [Picks up M16] Private Me, reporting for Sploosh.

Krieger: [on the nerve gas] Come on, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong hands. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.

Malory: Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.

Krieger: Well... Edmund Burke, but... doesn't matter who.

Lana: Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?

Archer: [laughs] Um... uh, vaguely.

Lana: Okay, well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like "huh, weird." And then you didn't die, [Archer starts zoning out into a gradually increasing high-pitched tone] and a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a JOKE, by the way, and so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life... Uhhh... Archer? ...Archer? ...Archer?

[Archer snaps out of it]

Archer: What's that?! Wait, wait... huh? What?!

Lana: You okay?

Archer: Yeah, sorry. For a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago. [Archer takes a drink] Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?

Lana: No.

Archer: Hmm. Lana? Am I just NOW coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?

Lana: No.

Archer: Then, what are you... [Archer looks at the baby] Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby?! Baby?! [Baby holds up a finger as she nurses on Lana] M-meep...

Lana: Sterling Archer...

Archer: ...Meep.

Lana: ...I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.

With Apologies to Jesse Jackson [11.1][edit]

Randy: Oh, all right, I'd like to solve the puzzle: ...Niggers!

Principal Victoria: Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.

[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing at Dr. Nelson]

Principal Victoria: Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.

Cartman: Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? Ha ha ha!

Dr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.

Cartman: Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!

Dr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!

Cartman: Barely!

Dr. Nelson: No matter how you act, I can rise above it!

Cartman: Rise above it! Get it? Like he can rise above anything!

Dr. Nelson: Shut your fucking mouth!

Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson!

Dr. Nelson: He didn't get to me. I was just joking.

Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red. It's like a little strawberry.

Dr. Nelson: Arrgh!

Stan: I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.

Token: So black people are midgets?

Stan: God damn it!

Token: Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!

[Token walks away; long pause]

Stan: He told my dad he was.

Kids: [after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.

Cartman: Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?

Dr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels.

[Cartman starts laughing again]

Dr. Nelson: You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!

Cartman: All right, all right, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Randy: Words with venom, words that bind, words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man./But no matter how hard I try. People just say "Hey, there goes that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go, it's always the same. I can't get away from that terrible name:/"Hey Nigger guy, nigger guy, nigger guy." Stop!/Now go, call me nigger guy, fill me with your hate/Try to bring me down, oh up you're too late!/Someone beat you to it. But my dream will not die. To be thought of as more than just "Nigger Guy." [pause] Respect.

Cartman Sucks [11.2][edit]

Cartman: You guys! I got it! Seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!

Stan: Whatcha do to Butters this time?

Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]

Stan: Dude!

Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!

Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?

Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!

Kyle: No, dude, that makes you gay!

Cartman: Uh, what?

Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!

Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.

Kyle: Yeah-huh!

Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?

Kenny: Ha ha, that makes you very fucking gay.

Cartman: But I'm not-I'm not gay, you guys!

Stan: You are now.

Cartman: No-no, it was a stupid mistake!

Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.

Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?

Stan: You can't!

Kyle: No-no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.

Cartman: How?

Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.

Cartman: [in low voice] Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.

[long silence]

Cartman: Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]

Kyle: Idiot.

[Butters is playing with his toys]

Butters: [singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...

[Cartman enters the room]

Cartman: Butters.

Butters: Whoa, hey, Eric.

Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.

Butters: A surprise? What is it?

Cartman: It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!

Butters: Oh, boy!

Cartman: You ready?

Butters: Y-yeah!

Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and-and get on your knees!

[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]

Butters: Oh, okay!

[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]

Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]

Butters: How come, uh, I can't see?

Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]

Butters: Oh, uh, ho, yeah.

Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.

Butters: [warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?

Cartman: I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]

Butters: Okay!

Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just-okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.

[the door opens and Butters's dad enters]

Steven Stotch: Butters!

Cartman: Uh! [dresses quickly]

Butters: Whoa! Hey, Dad!

[Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away]

Steven Stotch: Butters! What are you doing?!

Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]

Steven Stotch: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]

Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?

Steven Stotch: [quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?

Butters: Like what?

Steven Stotch: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.

Butters: What's...bi-curious?

Steven Stotch: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.

[Butters' mom appears at the doorway]

Linda Stotch: What's going on, you two?

Butters: Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]

[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]

Stan: Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]

Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]

Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!

Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?

Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!

Kyle: Let go of me!

Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!

Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!

Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!

Kyle: I don't have it!

Cartman: [stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here.

Kyle: Shut up.

Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!

[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]

Cartman: Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]

[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]

Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.

Butters: Aw, that's okay, Bradley.

Bradley: I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.

Butters: Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!

Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of chair, panicked]

Butters: What's the matter?

Bradley: I-I think I...I think I like you.

Butters: Well, I like you too, Bradley!

Bradley: YOU DO?! You like-like me?!

Butters: Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!

Bradley: Oh god! We're both unfix-able!

Lice Capades [11.3][edit]

Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.

Cartman: Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Cartman: We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.

Kenny: What?! Tuck you!

[Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]

Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you here for?

Clyde: I have...I have AIDS.

[Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]

Cartman: All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]

Kenny: [unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

The Snuke [11.4][edit]

Hillary Clinton: What is going on, Brian?

Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have suck a snake up your snit.

Hillary Clinton: [fanning face] Oh my.

Brian: What can we do? Can we disable the timer?

Alan Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snakes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.

Brian: But then that means-

Alan Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.

Cartman: Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super-bad farts!

Homeland Security Head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.

Kyle: Hey!

Homeland Security Head: Donner, take over that station.

Kyle: What's going on?

Homeland Security Head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.

Kyle: Homeland Security?

Homeland Security Head: Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on you answer to me. You got that?

FBI Head: Excuse me, who's in charge here?

Homeland Security Head: I am.

FBI Head: Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.

Homeland Security Head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?

FBI Head: On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.

ATF Head: Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on you're answering to me.

President's Staff Head: Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.

Nelson: Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]

Staff Assistant: Sir, these kids are right. We've just received Intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.

Staff Head: Where's the Intel from?

Staff Assistant: We just read it on Drudge Report.

Staff Head: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!

Kyle: [pauses] Not anymore you're not.

Staff Head: Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]

Alan Thompson: The game is over! Get down on the ground!

Vladimir Stolfsky: How did they find us?

Alan Thompson: We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.

Vladimir Stolfsky: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes-

[power outage]

Vladimir Stolfsky: What the hell?

SWAT Team Member: The power went out.

Alan Thompson: So then what time is it?

[power returns and clock is stuck on 12:00:00]

Vladimir Stolfsky: Oh, crap!

Fantastic Easter Special [11.5][edit]

[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]

Cartman: ...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!

Easter Bunny: Uh...don't you think that's...

Cartman: No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can buckskin kill you!

[camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]

Cartman: [happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!

Easter Bunny: Oh my God!

[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]

Butler: MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!

[ninjas kill him]

Stan: They found me!

Prof. Teabag: Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]

Ninja: [distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!

[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]

[In a Vatican Holding Cell]

Jesus: We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.

Kyle: What!

Jesus: Stab me with this! [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.

Kyle: No way! Do it yourself.

Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.

Kyle: Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.

Jesus: Just make it quick, through the neck, I'll rise again immediately.

Kyle: Don't make me do this.

Jesus]]: My son, there is no time, DO IT!

Kyle: ...Eric Cartman can never know about this.

Jesus: I understand, and Kyle...Happy Easter.

Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]

[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]

Kyle: Jesus?

D-Yikes! [11.6][edit]

[Mrs. Garrison defends a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]

Mrs. Garrison: Would you allow straight people in? Men?!

Persian Messenger: Well, we would allow whoever-

Mrs. Garrison: Choose your next words carefully, Persian!

Persian Messenger: Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!

Mrs. Garrison: No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!

[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]

Fellow Messenger: How dare you!

[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion a la Oracle Girl from 300]

Mrs. Garrison: Scissor me timbers!

Mrs. Garrison: I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.

Mrs. Garrison: I mean, really I don't even understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of scissors or something.

Mrs. Garrison: Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.

Stan: Again?

Mrs. Garrison: I know you're actually a woman.

Xerxes: How...? How did you find that out?

Mrs. Garrison: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.

Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.

Night of the Living Homeless [11.7][edit]

Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny: Yes!

Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle: Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Randy: Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.

Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?

Chris Swollenballs: What the...? You can't be in here.

Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?

Chris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?

Bum 10: Chaaaaange?

Chris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any- [PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]

Gerald: Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Bum 12: Change, sir?

Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little-anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

Steven: What happened?

Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Steve: Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Homeless Advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.

Bum 14: Is that...is that some spare change?

Homeless Advisor: Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.

Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?

Homeless Advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]

Bum 14: Spare some change?

Homeless Advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.

Bum 15: Chaaaaange?

Kyle: What's it doing?

Homeless Advisor: It's dying.

Cartman: Cool.

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]

Cartman: Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.

Kenny: Stop backing talking about my house!

Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.

Homeless Woman: Spare any change, sir?

Cartman: No! Back off! [slams the door]

Kyle: Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]

Bum: ...Got any more?

Kyle: [smile disappears] No, that's-I thought that was a lot.

Bum: [turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?

Kyle: You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

[Randy is walking down the sidewalk]

Bum 1: Spare some change?

Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.

Bum 2: Got any change?

Randy: No, sorry. [bum follows him]

Bum 3: Can you spare some change?

[Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]

Bum 4: Chaaaange?

Randy: Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]

Bum 5: Change?

Randy: No!

Bum 6: Chaaange?

[Randy runs off]

Bum 7: Spare some change?

Randy: Leave me alone, I don't have any change!

Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.

Randy: Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]

Bums: [following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!

Bum 7: Spare some change?

Randy: I just gave you change!

Stan: We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.

Kyle: [angrily] That wasn't my idea!

Stan: [to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people] Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.

Christine: [horribly burned and missing her lips, holding a shotgun] DENNIS!

Dennis: Christine?

Christine: You son of a bitch! You tried to burn me!

Dennis: I had to, Christine; you were homeless!

Christine: No I wasn't homeless you stupid asshole!

Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying!

Christine: Yeah, because you burned my lips off!

Dennis: I burned your rip sauce?

Christine: No, you burned my lips off!

'Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying.

Christine: [shoots Dennis in the chest, prompting a shootout that kills all the Evergreen survivors]

Le Petit Tourette [11.8][edit]

Mrs. Garrison: [writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number-

Cartman: Dick tits!

Mrs. Garrison: [pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative-

Cartman: Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

Mrs. Garrison: And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can-

Cartman: Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

[whole class giggles]

Cartman: [in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

Mrs. Garrison: All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers-

Cartman: Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle: Will you knock it off, already!

Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!

Mrs. Garrison: Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

Craig: If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]

Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!

Sheila Broflovski: Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.

Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]

Gerald Broflovski: Well, Kyle?

Kyle: [through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.

Cartman: What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

Kyle: I'm sorry!

Cartman: You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I-

Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of- [cuts himself off]

Cartman: Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douche-bag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]

Sheila: Oh, thank you, Eric.

Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Pass out my ass!

Cartman: Yeah! Pass out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman: [to Thomas] Isn't having Tourettes awesome?

[Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]

Cartman: This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! And people will call me brave.

Cartman: Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!

Cartman: Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls!

Cartman: So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]

Chris Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?

Cartman: No, I don't want to take a seat.

Chris Hansen: Have a seat.

Cartman: No, I'm just going to-

Chris Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]

Cartman: How does he do that?

Chris Hansen: You know, one time, I was doing a show called "To Catch a Predator," and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on "Dateline." So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on "Dateline." It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.

Cartman: I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]

Cartman: This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national Television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant Television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman: Titty sprinkles!

Pedophile 1: Oh, no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 2: "Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 3: There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

More Crap [11.9][edit]

[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen: "Emmy Award-Winning Series"]

Randy: Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhh! Ooh! Ooh. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow! That...is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?

Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan: Gee, thanks, Dad.

Randy: You're welcome.

Stan: Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?

Bono: Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!

Stan: Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.

Bono: I have the first-place trophy for that.

Stan: [surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.

Stan: So?

Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.

Stan: He's the record.

Herr Broloff: I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

Herr Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.

Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.

Imaginationland [11.10][edit]

[Cartman is looking for a leprechaun. If he sees it, Kyle will suck his balls; if not, he will owe Kyle $10. This is the plot of the whole trilogy]

Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story.

Cartman: [setting up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?

Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by.

[Jimmy, Jason, and Craig are hoisting the net into place]

Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out.

Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home.

Cartman: Oh, no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember? [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie. What's your six, Blackie?

Token: [rather pissed off] I don't want the code name "Blackie."

Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie. Check your six and alert when in position. [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire]

Kyle: This is fucking retarded.

Cartman: Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechaun shows up, you must suck my balls. Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire]

Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me $10. Now just pay up and stop being stupid!

Cartman: [whispering loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!

Butters: [on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him; in subdued manner] This is Faggot. Go ahead.

Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance north to northeast. Check back in five.

Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope, then exclaims]

Kyle: Okay, that's enough. Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!

Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showing up this time!

Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fat ass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!

Butters: Uh, I got something! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's, uh, oh, jeez, I think it's a leprechaun!

Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys]

Stan: Dude.

Jimmy: F-Fuck me, it's a leprechaun.

Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase] Get that Fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!

[the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in]

Butters: Wow.

Stan: Cool.

Craig: No way.

Token: Whoa.

Jason: Wow.

Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butt hole, where's the gold?!

Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doing. I need to deliver an important message! There's going to be an attack!

Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow!

[the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]

Stan: Where did he go?

[the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]

Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! :[makes a rainbow with his right hand and disappears. The group then turn back at Kyle]

Craig: Dude. [Cartman walks up to Kyle and clears his throat]

Cartman: Kyle... suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]

Stan: [answers phone] Hello?

Kyle: Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.

Stan: No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.

Kyle: [beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?

Stan: Yeah, how'd you know?!

Kyle: Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!

Sharon: [enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?

Stan: Why?

Linda: Our darling Butters never came home last night!

Kyle: What did they say?!

Stephen: We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.

Kyle: ..Dude...

Trucker: Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhiking.

[...]

Cartman: Yeah, well... When a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger.

Trucker: You going to Washington to visit family?

Cartman: I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice... [looks photo of Kyle] then you learn that the only real justice is the justice you take. Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls.

Imaginationland Episode II [11.11][edit]

[the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]

General: Talk to me! What's going on?!

[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]

Lead Tech: Something is coming through the gate from the other side.

[a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]

Operator: What is it?!

Tech 3: It's like a half-man, half-bear!

Lead Tech: And half-pig!

[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]

Tech 4: Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!

[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]

General: Look out!

[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]

Tech 3: No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!

[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]

General: Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!

[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]

Stan: Kyle!

[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]

[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]

Paramedic: Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Cartman: No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]

Paramedic: I'm sorry, young man.

Cartman: Kyle?

Paramedic: Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.

Cartman: [enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!

General: He's gone, little boy.

Cartman: [to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!

Paramedic: Charging.

Cartman: Do it!

[the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]

Cartman: Come on, buddy.

Paramedic: Clear.

Cartman: Come on, buddy.

[the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]

Cartman: Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]

[Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily]

Cartman: Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]

Butters: I'm supposed to be in school right now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all passed off.

Imaginationland Episode III [11.12][edit]

Aslan: Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.

Beavery Beaver: This is gonna be fun, huh?

Woodland Critters: [cheering] Yeah!

Aslan: We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.

Butters: W-What can I do?

Aslan: You have a power here that you have yet to understand.

General: If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?

Kyle: Because I- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]

General: [touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]

Cartman: So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...

Kyle: [snaps] Just let it go with your Fucking balls already, you Fucking asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck your balls- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!

Kyle: Oh God...

Superman: Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.

Santa Claus: Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball-sucking.

Butters: Wait, I'm not grounded!

Steven Stotch: Oh, yes you are!

Butters: Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]

Steven Stotch: That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded!

Butters: [uncensored] Aw, shit.

Guitar Queer-o [11.13][edit]

[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]

Randy: So you boys like this music, huh?

Kyle: Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!

Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it!

Randy: Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could -

Stan: [angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!

Randy: I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]

Cartman: ...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.

Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.

Randy: But... But this is real.

Cartman: Real guitars are for old people!

Stan: Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there-quarterback for the Denver Broncos!

Kyle: Oh my God!

Mr. Hart: Would you boys like to meet him?

Stan: Are you serious?!

Mr. Hart: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.

Jay Cutler: [in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!

Stan: Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.

Jay Cutler: ...Thanks.

Mr. Kincaid: Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.

Thad: 'Sup.

Mr. Kincaid: Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?

Thad: Yup.

Mr. Kincaid: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.

Stan: [as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.

Kyle: [sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!

Stan: That isn't it at all.

Kyle: [angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!

Stan: I know...I need you.

[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]

Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig!

Craig: How was that cheating?!

Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!

Announcer: Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!

Stan: [after a long silence] ...That's it?

Kyle: Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk away]

The List [11.14][edit]

Butters: Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.

Cartman: Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can out-think them.

Cartman: When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls!

Butters: Okay!

[Millie is walking at the hall and she hear Craig with the horn and get kicked in the groin by Butters]

Millie: Ow! What you did that for.

[Butter kick her again]

Millie: What's your problem, asshole?

Cartman: Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls don't have balls.

Butters: [in a sling with a black eye] They sure don't.

Butters: Mom! Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in class! Kyle Broflovski is!

Steven: Well, good for you, Butters!

Linda: Way to go, champ!

Butters: Whoopee! [runs off]

Steven: Well, guess we won't have to ground him.

Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?

Girl 1: [Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.

Wendy: [surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!

Girl 1: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.

Girl 2: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!

Wendy: [horrified] You knew?!

Girl 2: [takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]

Wendy: [angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes!? How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both DE-sparkled from the list committee!

Girl 1: Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]

Wendy: No, not Bebe.

Girl 2: She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!

Stan: [confused] What's going on?

Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna-

Girl 1: You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee!? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!

Girl 2: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!

Wendy: [coldly] I don't think so. [kicks girl holding list in the crotch. She howls and drops the list. Wendy grabs it] Stan, run!

Stan: Jesus, dude! [runs after Wendy]

Clyde: [noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past] Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! [pats Kyle on the back] Chin up, cowboy! [approaches a girl] Hey, what's going on? [girl starts speaking in the background]

Butters: [to Kyle] Hey! Nice...nice ears Ha ha! Pizza face! [runs off laughing]

Clyde: [ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!

Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.

Stan: Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?

[happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]

[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]

Kyle: You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.

Wendy: Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.

[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]

Cartman: This is bull-crap!

Butters: [yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?

Cartman: Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]

Lottery Fever[edit]

Peter: I just bought a giant room full of GOLD COINS; I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.

[cutaway to giant coin room. Peter enters the room on the diving board in swimwear. He jumps and dives, only to land bloodily injured]

Peter: Aaaaagghh! It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that FORM a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaagh!

Seahorse Seashell Party[edit]

Stewie: Don't worry, Brian, I'manna stay on your side all night, alright? Shh, shh... It's okay, it's okay. Do you like my soothing voice? [Brian looks at Stewie. He sees Stewie in a scarier face and voices like Supreme Being with real lips] Do you like my soothing voice? R-r-r-r-r-r-return the MAP. R-r-r-r-r-r-return what you have stolen from me.

Brian: GAAAAAAGGHH! [Brian gets up from Stewie, runs onto a wall, pushing to a endless hallway until the wall separates and he falls] Daaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhh! [fades to darkness]

Stewie: You know, Brian, you may be a dog, but you're a pretty cool cat.

Choir: Stewie just said that!

Stewie: Take it home with ya!

Lois: Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that you're taking your own PROBLEMS out on everyone else.

Meg: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my "role-model" mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the porn star, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her? (On DVD, "go to town on her" was replaced with "climb inside her")

Lois: Oh, so what? A...all of those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences.

Meg: Are you? Are you a better PERSON?

Lois: What's your point, Meg?

Meg: My point is with all that irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.

Lois: Alright, well, fine! Okay, I'm not a perfect mother; who is?

Meg: [laughs sarcastically] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to become a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother, and you took a child's trust and smashed it into tiny bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy SOMETHING that you killed long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know if I ever want to see you again!

[Lois's lips BEGINS to quiver, and then she begins to sob]

Stewie: [looking at his phone] Oh wow, everybody's already Tweeting "Stewie just said that".

Lois: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry Meg! Can you ever forgive me? Oh God!

[As Lois CONTINUES to cry, Peter whispers something in Meg's ear.]

Meg: And you never let Dad stir paint anymore, whatever that means.

Peter: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm GLAD you brought it up.

Meg Griffin: [to Peter] You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!

[Peter giggles]

Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!

[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]

Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!

Peter Griffin: I like where this is going.

Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes ENOUGH to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!

Stewie Griffin: Hey, watch it.

Meg Griffin: You're a total and COMPLETE embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!

Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!

Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?

Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?

Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look, he has crap on his ear.

Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.

Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.

Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!

Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!

Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!

[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Broccoli sprout: You're from one town over, so I hate your GUTS! [the broccoli and Brussels sprout then fight Irish bar style]

[cut back to regular scene]

Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?

Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread!

Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to ANSWER your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!

Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!

Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!

Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!

Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!

Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter

Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!

Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse!

[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]

Peter Griffin: I didn't ask to be in this family!

Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him. [picks up Stewie] Peter, you come back here!

Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!

Brian Griffin: Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.

Meg Griffin: [sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.

Brian Griffin: What do you mean?

Meg Griffin: They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.

Brian Griffin: Well, so what? That's not your problem.

Meg Griffin: Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?

Brian Griffin: Well, that's a that's a theory, I guess.

Meg Griffin: I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.

Brian Griffin: Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.

Meg Griffin: You mean that, Brian?

Brian Griffin: Absolutely.

Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q[edit]

Peter: Aww, that yellow lab looks like it's dying.

Lois: Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow. She's fine.

Quagmire: Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard! He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too! God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fechalman.

Peter: You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire: What?

Peter: That's his name?

Quagmire: Well, yeah.

Peter: Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?

Joe: Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire: Well, why not?

Peter: What do you MEAN?

Quagmire: The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard!

Joe: Woah, woah, Quagmire, you know I could arrest you just for saying that.

Peter: You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]

Man: I don't know what this "Cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.

[back to the scene]

Joe: Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't MATTER what he's done, It's still murder!

Quagmire: No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change. Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the ERROR of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them.

Joe: It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [Hears Brenda screaming in fear after Jeff beats her, the three look out the window].

Jeff: WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I GOING TO GET A BEER?!

Brenda: Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.

Jeff: WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!

Brenda: I'm so sorry!

Jeff: HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams in fear AGAINafter Jeff beats her].

Joe: Let's waste this dick.

Jeffrey Fecalman: What the Hell?! I killed you!

Quagmire: I choke myself everyday, you bastard!

Brenda: Well, I best be rolling on NOW.

Quagmire: Come on, who says that?

Joe: It's an expression.

Peter: If you're in a wheelchair.

Stewie Goes for a Drive[edit]

[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]

Brian: Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!

Stewie: About what? What a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! I had to stop the last sentence in the MIDDLE because I was so surprised. What happened?

Brian: Gee, I don't KNOW. Do YOU know what happened?

Stewie: [chuckles] Sorry, what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said how Lois' potatoes "au rotten"?

Brian: Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you laughed at the time, but what the hell happened to my car?!

[Stewie is on TV]

Stewie: Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on a plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For INSTANCE, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but after you told her of your intentions said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard for all newly-implemented post 9/11 security measures. And if you were bringing a boombox to play music, I would suggest any one of the six songs:

[the SUGGESTED songs scroll over Stewie: "With or Without You" - U2, "Solsberry Hill" - Peter Gabriel, "Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield, "Live Like We're Dying" - Kris Allen, "Thank You" - Dido and "Somebody" - Depeche Mode]

Stewie: So again, ran away. Don't come after me.

["Thank You" by Dido plays as the image fades]

Back to the Pilot[edit]

Stewie: [to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?

Brian: Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?

Stewie: Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who KNOWS what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!

[cut to an office with the Cookie Monster and a man behind a desk]

Man: What is this?

Cookie Monster: Cookiebook.

Stewie: There it is! We did it, Brian! We made 9/11 happen! High five!

Brian: All right, high five!

[they give each other a high five]

Stewie: Well, that... that probably wouldn't look very good out of context.

Thanksgiving[edit]

Bonnie: Kevin, I want you to MEET your little sister, Susie.

Kevin: Wow! Hey, little sis. I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you didn't get scared when I scream and have night terrors.

Susie: [thought] It's quite alright. I've seen worse.

[cutaway to Susie watching TV; woman screams and squashes are heard]

Susie [voiced by Patrick Stewart]: A human centipede? How ghastly!

Joe: Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.

West: All right, I pick you.

Joe: You can't pick me, I'm a captain.

[cut to living room where an older West is surrounded with seven kids]

West: No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.

Child 1: That's a great story, Grampa.

Child 2: I didn't like it.

[many years later; a much older West is surrounded with twelve kids]

West: None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.

Child 3: Well. I don't like that story, great-Grampa. [West stands up; electrocutes the boy and disintegrates into dust]

West: [breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.

Lois: If anyone has wanted whipped cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

Babs: Oh Lois. That potato salad looks so good.

Lois: OK, mom. That's stuffing. Put your glasses on before you run over another black guy.

Amish Guy[edit]

Lois: I can't belive we're stuck in Amish Country.

Stewie: I thought something was amish. [Brian smacks him on the head]

Lois: We can't be part of a feud with the Amish!

Peter: I didn't start this thing, Lois! But I'munna finish it! [goes into the house and dials the phone] Joe, round up Quagmire and all the modern day technology you can find! We are goin' to war! Oh, oh. Hey, Bonnie. I-Is Joe there? [pause] Well, can I leave a message for 'im? Yeah, yeah. It's what I said before 'bout, eh, th-the war thing.

Amish man: You are banished from our community this instant and take your whore daughter with you!

Cool Hand Peter[edit]

[Peter and the gang get pulled over by a police car]

Peter: Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that southern sheriffs really wanna be talked down to by big-shot northerners.

[Peter puts on a Harvard University sweater and takes out a pipe as the sheriff approaches the car]

Sheriff Nichols: Afternoon.

Peter: [in a snooty voice] Officer, hwhat is it? We are in tremendous urban rush.

Sheriff Nichols: You fellas ain't from around here, are yeh?

Peter: [normal voice] Hey, Sheriff. I'm tryin' to learn southern. Is this sayin' anything? Adoi-doi-doi-doi-doi!

[Peter and the gang are hiding from the sheriff in the sheriff's closet. The sheriff comes in and hears a loud fart]

Sheriff: Who's there!? [cocks shotgun]

Peter: [In a Miss Piggy-like voice] It's just me sweetie.

Sheriff: Oh. Didn't know you were home honey. Whatcha doing in the closet?

Peter: [In Miss-Piggy like voice] Uumm. Wife...things?

[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]

Lois: [slurs words] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny. [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room reading a book]

Brian: I'm reading.

Lois: [giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?

Brian: Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying..

Lois: Grab him!

[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]

Brian: What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing? Hey!

Lois: Get his paw! Hold still!

Brian: Hey hey hey! What-?!

Lois: Push him down onto all fours!

Brian: No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!

Lois: If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!

[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]

Donna: Calm down! Calm down!

[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]

Lois: Now, Stewie!

Stewie: [walks in carrying a pistol] Okay, I guess this is the night bitches die.

Joe: I don't think so. You're in my juristriction now sheriff butt breath!

[A couple cops then came out of the train surrounding the deputies with guns]

Joe: You got a lot of nerve driving around my town with a busted headlight, and a busted windshield, and an untreated flesh wound!

Grumpy Old Man[edit]

[the Griffin family watches the Channel 5 news]

Tom Tucker: Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.

Joyce Kinney: But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.

Tom Tucker: [annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.

[Tricia Takanawa is shown outside, where it's packed with snow]

Tricia Takanawa: I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top everytime there is a blizzard.

Douchebag: Yeah, this is nothin'. Guys at work drank a quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.

Meg and Quagmire[edit]

Peter: Hey, Quagmire. What's going on?

Quagmire: Well, Peter. A little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. [a hummingbird appears]

Hummingbird: You give me credit?

Quagmire: Yeah, I just told him.

Hummingbird: [to Peter] I'm the one who told him. [looks both four times and flies off]

Quagmire: So, where is the birthday girl?

Meg: Oh. Hi, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire: Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's- I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here. There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]

Peter: Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.

Brian: Peter, that skank is your daughter.

Peter: Oh my God, You're right!

Quagmire: Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.

Stewie: Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!

Peter: Meg, get in the car! We're going home!

Meg: I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore!

Peter: Meg, I'm only gonna say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say and get in the damn car!

Meg: Yes, Daddy. [Walks away, sadly, Peter fallows, Lois walks up to Quagmire]

Lois: If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your Cock off and feed it to Brian!

Quagmire: Okay.

Lois: And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month, do you understand me?

Quagmire: Yes ma'am.

Lois: Peter I got us the cabin!

Peter: Yay!

Lois: [Back to Quagmire] I don't want to see your face knocking on our door for at least a month!

Quagmire: Would you sign the guestbook on your way out?

Lois: [sigh angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.

The Blind Side[edit]

Stewie: Of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool-down and stretch. [pushes on the stairs and gets a splinter] Aaaggh!

Brian: What? What is it?

Stewie: I've got a splinter! [starts crying]

Lois: [picks him up] Oh my god! Stewie, what is it?

Brian: Oh, he just got a splinter.

Lois: Oh, my poor baby. It's 'cause those stairs are falling apart.

Brian: It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.

[Meg is under a roof beam, depressed]

Lois: Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Peter: [to Lois as she rambles about her day at the office] Seems like you're doing everything and they're doing nothing.

[Lois continues rambling]

Peter: She's obviously threatened by you.

Peter: It's ridiculous and I support you fully.

Peter: You can't let them get to you.

Peter: They're jealous of what you have.

Peter: It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Peter: Only you can prevent forest fires.

Livin' on a Prayer[edit]

Peter: Wait a minute, Christian Science? Is that—Is that that thing all them gaybo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff away from other guys' butts? (On the DVD version, "gaybo" is replaced with "homo")

Peter: Okay, now take this walkie-talkie and confirm I'm at the various checkpoints.

Lois: Huh, okay. [speaks into walkie-talkie] Peter up on telephone pole?

Peter: [spying from a telephone pole, lower binnoculars] Check.

Lois: Peter cutting the wires to the alarm?

Peter: [cuts the wire] Check.

Lois: Sexy Peter distracting the guards?

Peter: [dressed as a prostitute] Check. [to the guards] Hello, boys! Come out and have sex with me sometime.

Lois: Van full of Peters with stern faces because they're about to pull off a heist.

Peter: [shows a vanful of stern-faced Peters] Check.

Lois: Upside-down Peter who isn't revealed to upside-down until the camera spins around and shows that he is.

Peter: [appears right-side up until the camera spins around to show he's upside-down] Check.

Lois: Peter in an open airplane door, slapping Peters on the back as they parachute out.

Peter: [slapping other Peters as they parachute out] Go! Go-go-go-go-go! [into walkie-talkie] Check!

Lois: Super gymnastic Asian Peter, contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house.

Asian Peter: [shows Peter rolling in a crate and x-rays to reveal Asian Peter inside] Hai!

Lois: Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong. [shows the walkie-talkie on the floor] Peter? Peter, are you there? [zooms out to reveal Peter lying dead with his throat slit as blood pools around him]

Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream[edit]

[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]

Stewie: Are they not seein' this?

Brian: I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.

Stewie: Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.

Brian: Can we say that?

Stewie: Just did.

Lindsey: [dressed as Lois] Thanks for buying me these clothes, Glenn.

Quagmire: You're welcome. [to Mort, also dressed as Lois] And you're dismissed.

Mort: Do I still get to keep the twenty?

Be Careful What You Fish For[edit]

[Billy and Peter both in the bathroom, Peter is naked]

Billy: Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?

Peter: Yes.

Billy: Where... where is it?

Peter: It's in there.

Billy: Are you sure, so it's like Snuffleupagus down there, is it?

Peter: Oh, the hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

Peter: I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]

Billy: Go on then. We're both men.

Peter: Well... alright I guess.

Billy: There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th... WOAH Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it. [laughs again]

Peter: What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?

Billy: I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "Morbidly" a lot?

Billy: Anyway, I'm off to read Meg's diary. I've only been here one night, but I get the sense we all dislike Meg.

Lois: So, Billy. I hope the couch was alright.

Billy: Yeah. A lot better than the floor. And I should know because I went down on the floor, thinking it was gonna be a lot better than the couch.

Burning Down the Bayit[edit]

Quagmire: I don't like this, you guys – uh, this is bad... Joe's gonna find out, I just know it!

Peter: Geez, Quagmire. You need to relax – and I know how to help. Calgon, take him away.

[scene fades. Quagmire nervously leans in the bubbly bath, looking down as the soap bubble around him floats higher]

Quagmire: This is worse, Peter!

Peter: Relax! This is supposed to be your time! This is the right way to deal with your problems.

Joe's cellphone: Oh my god look at this fire me , Mort and Quagmire just started!

[Lois visits Peter in prison]

Lois: How could you do this? You have a family!

Peter: For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Killer Queen[edit]

[everyone is cheering as Chris and Yamamoto are eating hotdogs]

Peter: Chris, you're four hotdogs behind. Come on,

Chris: Ohh. I can't eat anymore.

Peter: Remember what I told you.

[a dream cloud comes as Chris remembers]

Peter: I get this weird cyst things right on the fringe of my sac. I want to get it checked, but I'm afraid of what they're gonna tell me.

Chris: He's right. I can do it! [he starts eating up all the hotdogs, then Moto does the same]

[the buzzer beeps]

Announcer: We have a winner. Ladies and gentlemen, Yamamoto has finally been defeated.

[the crowd cheers as Yamamoto sadly leaves]

Peter: [picks up Chris] Chris, you did it. You're a champion, and now you get your pick of the groupies.

[there are four fat models]

Chris: They're shiny.

Peter: Yeah, it's a pretty warm day.

Forget-Me-Not[edit]

[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.

Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.

Brian: Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?

Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?

Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.

Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

You Can't Do That on Television, Peter[edit]

Lois: [telling Peter why he can't run out and take pictures for his book of "lesbian butts in '80s jeans"] Peter, you're not doing that. I got a ton of errands to run, and I need your help around here.

Peter: Well, fine. If I can't do the book, I'm gonna hurt something you love. [opens the closet door, pulls out vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to stab the vacuum bag repeatedly, scattering dust all over the room] *Cough, cough* Ya happy now?

Lois: Maybe we should discuss this in the other room. [indicating Stewie] I don't like fightin' in front of the kids.

Peter: No! I wanna fight in front of the kids! I feed off the excitement of an audience.

Lois: Peter, for once you're gonna stay here and help around the house. Now, I need you to watch Stewie till I get back. [leaves]

Brian: [walks into family room holding cup of coffee and newspaper, and sees the stabbed vacuum cleaner] Whoever did this, thank you.

[Neil and Meg are dissecting pigs in biology class]

Neil: I can't dissect this pig, Mr. Kingman. It's against my religion.

Mr. Kingman: Believe me Neil, it's no thrill for the pig to touch a Jew, either. Okay, how about you, Meg? How are you doing?

Meg: Pretty good. It's kinda cool cutting something that's not me.

Mr. Kingman: [examining Meg's work] Wow, that's some pretty impressive work.

Classmate: It's easy for Meg to dissect a pig because she is a pig! Ha ha ha!

Mr. Kingman: HEY! ... All right, I'll let that one slide.

[Peter places a device, moves the handle and awooga goes the klaxon]

Peter: Uh-oh! Sounds like my cranky new neighbor just got home – I hope she doesn't come over here and give me a business. [knocks the table three times. he picks up a poorly designed puppet version of Lois in a high tone] Peeter! [normal tone, irritable] Oh, hi, Saggy Naggy. [high] Never mind with 'hi'! It's sounds like someone's having fun over here! You know I don't like that. [normal, brusquely] Hey, kids, meet Saggy Naggy. Real nice lady, huh?

Kids: Noo!

Peter: What can I do for ya, Saggy Naggy? [high, bawled] You can stop havin' fun! [normal, bugged] But we like fun – don't we, kids?

Kids: Yes!

Peter: [high, incredulous] Well, too bad, 'cause you're all gonna eat your vegetables, listen to long stories about my cousins, and how we fold sheets! [to Peter] And you! You're gonna help me around the house, take out the garbage and give Stewie his bottle. [cut to Stewie on the couch in sunglasses thru his cellphone]

Stewie: Yeah, I heard it – he say my name on TV all the time, calm down, bitch.

Mr. and Mrs. Stewie[edit]

[Lois covers her ears in bed. Zooms out to Peter hold a gigantic plume feather in the form of a quill pen, and begins to write]

Peter: "Dearest Augustine, I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your grey lung." [*dips his quill] Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip. "Matters stateside have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms." Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip.

Lois: [sits up] Peter, it's 4:00 in the morning; come to bed!

Peter: [writes further] "Marital concerns continue to bedevil me."

[Two weeks after Stewie planted a bomb set to explode when Mort opens his wallet. Mort strolls thru the sidewalk with Stewie and Penelope behind]

Penelope: Oh, bloody hell, how do you go two weeks without opening your wallet?

Stewie: Yeah, he's been out to dinner like four times!

Penelope: We're clearly not going to get him this way.

Stewie: I know. Which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand.

[Mort stops abruptly and burps into his hand; a giant explosion engulfs the scene, then settles and Mort lands onto the pavement]

Mort: Ooohh, I better make sure my wallet's okay. [gets his wallet, opens it and explodes again]

[Lois leaves the en-suite, then stops. Zoom out and Peter is on his twin bed next to Quagmire]

Lois: Peter, what's going on?

Peter: Quagmire's havin' a sleepover with me.

Lois: [giggly] You can't be serious.

Peter: [deeply concerned] Look, Lois, I told ya that I need to have somebody sleepin' next to me. Alright now, if that's not gonna be you–

Lois: Fine, do what you want, I don't care, but I think it's very strange.

Peter: Okay, that's the one thing that's not.

Quagmire: Yeah, it's not strange.

Lois: I already told you, I don't care. [switches lamp off and lies down]

Quagmire: [to Peter] It's not strange.

Peter: I know.

Leggo My Meg-O[edit]

Peter: [on the phone] I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want, but I have a very particular lack of skills. I will never be able to find you. But what I do have is two dollars and a Casio wrist-watch. You can have one of them.

Voice on Phone: (Speaking French)

Peter: These guys are serious. [to Lois] Lois, Meg's dead! Maybe we can replace Meg with Courtney Nolan!

French Abduction Scout: [dying words after being run over by a bus] Oh no... I have chateau-ed myself...

Tea Peter[edit]

Quagmire: Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?

Peter: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

Chris: Wait'll you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.

Pastor: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[lifts Quagmire to top with a giraffe]

Quagmire: I'm glad we waited.

[NINE MONTHS LATER]

[the giraffe grimances and, thump! A little giraffe with Quagmire's head stands up, looks direct at Quagmire]

Giraffe Quagmire: Giraffity!

Quagmire: Yeah see, that's not mine.

Ryan Phillippe: Would anyone like to be impregnated?

Brian: Hey! So how's that Tea Party goin', huh? More like TP Party. [pause] Toilet paper.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #2[edit]

[Mayor West approaches a damaged Peter]

Mayor Adam West: Boy, that looks enticing. [hold a rod, and lightning electrocutes him] Yeah, this is nice.

Stewie: I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin one.

Quagmire: Hey, kid. Cm'ere. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Stewie: Why don't you go and hump a pile of garbage?

[Stewie is underneath Brian's car, which comes to a stop. Stewie looks to the left and spots Herbert underneath a school bus.]

Herbert: Hey there, little fella. We sure got a lovely day for we, don't we?

Stewie: Stay away from my brother's butt.

Peter: Hey, is that my froggy butt cloth?

Internal Affairs[edit]

[Peter rear-ends another car behind him]

Peter: Oh, my God! Buddy, I'm so sorry! Are you all right?

[the door of the car behind him opens and it is none other than the Giant Chicken]

Stewie: Well, now I've seen Woodrow Wilson naked.

Peter: Jeez, every cop in the town is here.

Quagmire: I know. Who do ya think's taking care of the city?

[Consuela is in the middle of an intersection]

Consuela: No. No. No. No. [mops a puddle]

Driver: What the hell? Come on!

Consuela: No drive, is wet.

Peter: Breaker-breaker 1-9, what's your 20?

[indistinct blabber on the radio]

Peter: Aw, it's so hot just knowin' you're in a truck.

Bonnie: You're right on time, Kevin just woke up screaming from his afternoon nap.

Kevin: Mom, it's my birthday and you invited your friends?!

Bonnie: All yours are dead!

[Bonnie enters her room and angry at Joe, Quagmire looks at the baby monitor]

Quagmire: Uh-oh! The baby monitor!

Joe: What? The baby monitor?

Bonnie: You cheated on me?!

Joe: Uh, I, uhh...

Bonnie: You bastard!

Joe: Bonnie, please!

Bonnie: After all I do for you, this is how you repay me!

Joe: Well, how do you think I felt when I found out you slept with that French guy, huh?

Bonnie: I NEVER slept with Francois!

Joe: What?! But, Peter said-

Peter: Lois, didn't you say that Bonnie slept with him?

Lois: No, Peter! I said she wanted to!

Joe: DAMN IT, PETER!

Peter: Now, hold on. In my defense, it is my experience that I am GENERALLY correct about most things.

Joe: Eh, You know what? It doesn't matter. Bonnie's been driving me away for some time now.

Bonnie: What?! Driving you away?! Do you have any idea how hard it is living with you?!

Lois: Maybe, we should all leave.

Joe and Bonnie: NO!

Joe: EVERYONE stays! I want this to be a disaster! Because, this has been a long-time coming! You care about nothing except yourself!

Bonnie: You son of a bitch! I got a license to operate a sex crane of you!

Joe: And I got earplugs so I could put up with that (imitating Bonnie) horrible voice of yours. I'm not an impressionist, but you get the idea!

Bonnie: I perform purification rituals on my body after we have sex! I find it cleanses the immeasurable sadness of having lain with a wretch!

Joe: (screaming) I WANT A DIVORCE!

Bonnie: You got it!

Chris: Does the Swanson divorce MEAN that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa?

Lois: No, Chris, it does not; that doesn't even make any sense.

Stewie: [being attacked by a gorilla] Why did the sign say "not an exit"?! It should've just said "gorilla door"!


End file.
